#me half an hour ago on discord: i will go to sleep soon my siblings are here

[mrvdocks]

Selcouth

You shouldn’t have come on this stupid trip. Not even if it had opened you up more to him. If anything, you felt this trip had soured the more time had passed. Alex could tell. But you two had to play it safe, play the parts that Karl thought you two assumed from his perspective. You resented that, having to stick to an image that he had formed of you, one that tried to act like you weren’t so in love with him it made your heart ache. 

Or,

You and Alex plan a meet up with Karl for a week trip, only to have your feelings for Karl be put to the test when things don’t pan out how you all planned. (Karl Jacobs/Reader)  

After

“Stop it.” He says, voice serious and no longer joyful or even hinting at friendliness. You’ve heard Karl be serious many times but this time sounded different. This time he sounded like he was scolding a child after being annoyed by them repeatedly. 

“Stop what?” You ask, pretending to be aloof.

“Stop acting like a child!”

“I’m the one acting like a chil - since when was doing something I want, acting like a child?!” 

He makes a hmpf sound. “What is this supposed to be, payback? Is that what you’re playing at?”

“I’m not playing at anything here, Karl. I don’t know what you want me to say.”

He scoffs. “Oh yeah? So you just suddenly developed an interest in Dream overnight, is that it?” 

“Honestly, why do you care so much? My love life isn’t up for debate here.” 

“Oh and mine was?” He retorts.

You knew he would bring it up, you just knew. It was perfect ammo right now. You stutter to find the right words. 

“What - what do you want from me Karl? I don’t need to explain myself to you. Have you considered that maybe I just finally got tired of being alone? That maybe I just needed someone?” 

Karl tries to not let this dig push him over the line but his frustration and jealousy wouldn’t let him stop seeing green. 

“Is this what you do? You like playing with people's feelings? Do you think screwing my friends is going to help you or is this another one of your phases?”

It feels good in the heat of the moment but he knows he’s messed up as soon as he says it. 

Your mouth drops open. Incredible. In-fucking-credible.  

You laugh bitterly, trying to put up a strong front but your voice betrays you by cracking. “That’s low, Karl. That’s - really fucking low.”

Instantly regretting it, he tries to make amends but can’t put words together properly. His mind reels, heart races, palms suddenly feel sweaty and all he can manage is your name. “(Y/N)......I -”

You can’t bear to hear another false apology spill from his lips. If that’s how he felt, then there was no changing his mind. No matter how badly you wanted to. 

“No you’re right. You’re right. You made your choice and so have I. Goodbye Karl.” You conclude and hang up, throwing your phone across the room. You stare at it until your vision becomes blurry with tears. 

Where do you go from here?

Before

You didn’t think that when you first started streaming that you’d end up at the point you were now. You just wanted to have fun with your friends, maybe meet some new people, share your interests along with the loads of games you found amusing. Interestingly enough, your personality and content seemed to resonate with a lot of people. 

Pretty soon you’d become one of the top streamers on Twitch behind the other big talent that once dominated your dashboard. 

You’d made your way into the big leagues with names like GeorgeNotFound, Dream, Quackity, Nihachu, and even Karl Jacobs. Though you’d met the latter two years ago, you’d become quick friends with Quackity, or Alex(is), having bonded over having similar backgrounds and interests. 

He was more like a brother to you than anything, much to the chagrin of many in the chat. You believe it had to do with growing up in a family with mostly girl siblings. 

Your collabs with Alex garnered lots of views, with people tuning into the streams to watch you two yell at each other chaotically while playing odd games or attempting to bake things. 

Of course, while he did your side of content, that meant you had to hold up your end of the bargain. Minecraft wasn’t your strong suit at first, but as time went on and with some help from both Alex and Karl, you became a little more proficient. 

Karl was no stranger to you, not anymore. Alex had introduced you to Karl a little after he started streaming. You’d only really known him from a couple of Jimmy’s videos. 

He seemed kind, goofy, friendly, and all around a pretty fun guy to be around. Which is why when you started to fall just a little bit for him, you were surprised. You came into this Twitch thing with one rule. Don’t fall for people. 

Things could get messy, it was always a given. The fandoms would tear into you or them, people were unpredictable. It was just better to keep everyone at an arm's length when it came to shipping. 

You were thankful nothing had come to fruition from your friendship with Alex. If anything, all you saw were people shipping you platonically. Though you two would often tease each other if one had a crush on someone. 

Your dynamic with Alex meant that you had countless ridiculous and outrageous moments together, often documenting them when he would visit you in LA from Mexico or you going to Mexico to see family and stopping by to visit him.

It was starting to become a thing you two did a few times a year. This year was no different. Even when the pandemic seemed to sour your plans, you both promised to stay safe and healthy and limit the trips. So far, this was going to be the first trip you two would be taking anywhere. 

Your phone buzzed next to you as you scrolled mindlessly through your discord server. You laughed a bit here and there, looking at memes and chatting with people. 

Alex’s text ringtone was him rage quitting during a game where you absolutely obliterated his ass. You either cracked up at the sound of it or jumped in sudden fear when it bounced off the walls of your apartment in the middle of the night. 

A: Hey wiener, are you packed?? I know you take like three business days to get ready. 

You rolled your eyes. He was supposed to be coming to visit you first before you both made the flight out to see Karl in North Carolina. 

Y: Me??? I’ve been packed since last week. I thought you were supposed to be on the flight here already 🙄

A: I may or may not…...already be out. 💀

Your eyes widen. You abandon the chat and hit the FaceTime button. He lets it ring for a good five seconds before he accepts it and greets you with a close up of his face.

“What am I looking at?” You ask, feigning disgust. 

“My beautiful face, what else?” 

“Really? I thought it was a dog’s asshole.” You chuckle. 

He guffaws. “Fuck off! First I get stranded here in LA, then I get some shitty chicken nuggets and now you’re calling me butt ugly! Why does life hate me so much?!”

“Menso! You were supposed to call me when you - wait did you say chicken nuggets?”

“Yeah, I still have the rest but I can’t finish because every time I chew I think of the pink slime.”

“Ugh don’t talk about Supersize Me, I’m still having nightmares about it. Who shows that to little kids??” 

“Yeah well it’s shit, Burger King’s better.” He admits, munching down on the nuggets. He chews obnoxiously near the phone speaker to annoy you so you tap at the screen in retaliation. 

“Hey, I was supposed to record you trying out American McDonald’s! Why are you taking sweet sweet content away from me? Now no one gets to see you lose your McVirginity!”

He sputters through a mouthful of nuggets and does a combination of coughing and laughing. 

“Anyways,” he says, finally nugget free. “You coming or not? I don’t think I wanna sleep on the airport floor.”

“Yeah yeah, I’m coming. I’ll text you when I’m outside.” 

The airport was a forty five minute drive, thirty if you stepped on it and committed several traffic violations. 

Maybe that would make good content. 

You grabbed your keys and rushed out of your home, fully prepared to go fast and furious. You put your windows down, connected your phone to the aux and blasted Tokyo Drift as you merged into the freeway. 

Half an hour later, you’d arrived at a packed airport pick up area and texted Alex to let him know you’d arrived. He replied that he was starting to feel the effect of the chicken nuggets but that he would push through people to get out of the building before he caught anything from anyone.

Once you could make out his figure up ahead in front of the other cars, you got the bright idea to switch your music to something more interesting. You pulled up one of his videos where he was fully invested in a rendition of Hey There Delilah and honked excessively once you got closer to him. He looked around and pulled his beanie down lower to hide his face in embarrassment. 

You and the prerecorded Quackity sang in off key unison with the volume up as much as you could before he threw his luggage and bags into your backseat, hopped into the passenger seat and put the volume down.

“Never do that again.” 

“Hey, that was your welcome salute. I don’t do that for other people, you’re special and I like it.”

“Could you try liking me a little less? I could do without all the cringe covers.” He laughed to himself as he buckled up. 

The ride home consisted of a mix of very poor and impressive impressions of characters that would’ve annoyed nearly anyone else except you. Alex alternated from a gruff impression of Squidward to a raunchy Mickey Mouse that left you doubling over and gripping the steering wheel. You competed with him, doing your worst impression of Cookie Monster and Goofy. 

Your impression competition was interrupted by a phone call, Karl’s photo flashing flipped a panic switch in you as you scrambled to grab your phone. Alex takes your phone and extends his arm far from your reach. 

“Ah, ah, ah! No texting and driving! You want to kill us or something?!”

“I need to answer! What if he thinks I’m ignoring him?”

“I got it, I got it.” He assures, sliding the bar to unlock the phone and meet Karl face to face.

Karl makes a surprised sound, greeting Alex almost immediately. 

“Hey bub!” You chime in, keeping your eyes on the road but getting a glimpse of Karl in his frog outfit. 

“Hi! Sorry, I didn’t know you were driving.”

“No it’s okay! I’m just coming back from picking up this idiot.” 

“Who you calling idiot, dumbass?” Alex suddenly burst into his Mickey Mouse voice from earlier, ending it with the iconic Mickey laugh. 

Karl seemed to eat it up, breaking into laughter. It was infectious enough to make you chuckle. 

“You guys excited for the trip? It’s looking really pretty here this time of year. I can’t wait to show you around.”

“You mean show us your sweater collection?” Alex jabs.

You nudge him roughly to the side as a warning, glaring at him when he glances at you. 

You’d hoped that the change of scenery would do you some good. LA was an endless heap of  heat that you never could seem to escape. Not even with air conditioning. It was October already, which normally would mean Fall, orange leaves, pumpkins everywhere, a complete shift in temperature, right? Nope. 

It was the devil’s asshole all year round, something Alex could attest to. 

“Don’t mind him, I think he was dropped as a kid.”

“How dare you! There is nothing wrong with me, I’m perfect.”

“Ha! Sure. As if you don’t have a lot of things wrong with you.”

“Oh yeah? Like what?”

You tap at the time on your screen, “We don’t have enough time to get into it.”

You turn your attention back to Karl, very attentive to your bickering, small chuckles here and there. It wasn’t until he made eye contact with you that you felt your hands falter on the wheel. You were lucky enough that it didn’t make you stray away from the road. 

“Um - you know what? We’ll call you later, we’re almost home anyways.” 

“Okay! Be safe! Goodnight. ” Karl bids you both goodbye and poses his phone in front of him in order to hug it from afar, as if to hug both you and Alex. 

You groan to yourself, pretending to bang your head against the steering wheel as soon as you pull up to your complex. Alex laughs at your misery. 

“Oh man, you really are down BAD.”

“Shut up! I regret telling you things sometimes.” 

“No one said you had to! I guess I just have one of those faces.” He Chad swipes at his chin and squints at you.

“Yeah, punch able.” You remark with a quirk of your brow, slipping out of the car and heading to your front door. 

Alex follows, grabbing his things in a hurry before you can get the chance to lock him out and leave him to sleep with the coyotes. 

“Don’t leave me out here! I’m too delicious to die!” He cries.

You’re awoken by the feeling of warm sunlight on the left side of your face. You hesitate to move, feeling tired already even though you’re sure you slept longer than you should’ve. 

You prop yourself up by your elbows, shielding your face from the sun with your hand. You get out of bed groggily, staring at the floor for a second before making your way to the living room and finding Alex sleeping in a weird position. 

Amused, you rush back into your room and grab your phone to document this moment and post it on Twitter. However when you return, he’s gone. You lean over the couch to check if he’s hiding behind it but he’s nowhere to be found. 

You’re about to crouch to check for his feet or any sign of him when you feel fingers dig in your sides. You yelp in fear and surprise, smacking your attacker until he starts to yell in a shrill voice. 

Alex pushes you over the couch making you fall on your ass. 

“WHAT THE HELL?!” You scream. 

“That’s what you get for trying to take pictures of me!”

You try to stand, rubbing at your sore ass. “Ugh, what are you, a cryptid or something? The people have a right to see!”

“No one gets to see me in the morning! No one! I need my beauty sleep more than you.”

He extends a helping hand for you to take in a moment of truce but you take advantage and pull him down with you to land on his back. He groans when he hits the ground and curses at you in Spanish. 

“Play time’s over, we gotta get ready. The plane leaves in…..one hour????!” 

Your phone says it’s only nine in the morning but you hazily remember the tickets reading ten thirty. 

“No way! I have to take a shower, I have to order food….” He begins, counting on his fingers the various things he suddenly had to do but you stop him by running into your room and getting your bags. 

“No time! Brush your teeth, get dressed, I’ll buy us something at the airport.”

“NOOOO! Airport food is disgusting! Can’t we stop somewhere?” 

“Like I said, no time! We gotta be out of here in thirty minutes.”

He grumbles under his breath. 

“I heard that!” You yell behind you, grabbing a towel and turning on your shower. 

After Alex rummaged through your kitchen, stuffed himself with some snacks and an alarming amount of frozen food, you urged him to shower in the little time span you had left and ordered a ride to take you to the airport. 

You had to basically pull him away from putting on his finishing touches with his beanie, with him complaining that his hair wouldn’t settle under it the way he wanted. You rolled your eyes and shoved him and your stuff into the Uber and kissed California goodbye. 

You two started planning what you’d do in NC as soon as you landed, besides getting food. You could practically hear Alex’s stomach grumbling the whole drive to the airport and even after the Uber gave him some snacks.

There was a sense of urgency that made your stomach twist in knots until you’d arrived at the drop off section. You stuck your tickets in your pocket as you hurried Alex, dragging him and urging him to run faster than he’d ever imagined to catch the plane. 

With only minutes to spare, you didn’t realize you were holding your breath until you panted and tried to regain it once you were at the gate. Alex makes a joke about you being out of breath to the pretty attendant that you make a note of later, just in case he tried to flirt with her. 

Alex followed the attendant like a puppy while you popped your phone out from your pocket and snapped a photo of the plane. You debated sending it to Karl, not sure if wanting your boarding to be a surprise or not. You relented to posting it on Twitter and sending it to Karl. 

Big things coming ;) You tweeted, exiting out of the app as quickly as you’d posted it, knowing you’d be flooded with notifications. 

You switched over to message, sending it to Karl but unsure if he would be awake right now. Maybe it would make his day better. 

On our way! See you soon! :)) 

You ran to catch up with Alex, finding him still talking to the attendant. In the most bitchy voice you could muster, you hugged him from the side and nestled your head into his shoulder. 

“I’m so happy we’re going on vacation babe, thank you!” 

His face fell, the attendant suddenly losing interest and suggesting the two of you find your seats. You intertwine your hands with his and hold it up, making a joke about how you two were inseparable. 

He suppresses the urge to fight you and instead screams internally, whisper yelling to you as you both sit. “You couldn’t let me be a Chad once? Just once!” 

“That’s what you get for slamming me on my ass earlier.”

#karl jacobs x reader #mcyt #yes I am aware that alex and karl might be a little OC #but I really wanted to get this chapter out of the way #myct fanfiction #myct imagines #dream smp

[dinosaurs-last-day]

I was thinking 1 through 70, but I realize it's a lot. How about just 1 and 70 to let you off easy 😊❤️.

Nah, you asked for 1 through 70 and I am always up for a challenge. I’m going to do that now! CHALLENGE ACCEPTED YAY!

Plus, I love how you saw the list and though “ALL OF THEM!” I really made me laugh. Thank you for that.

here we go!

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

Not really. I mean, we get along and we try not to fight. But we have very different beliefs on very big topics, so I have to keep that to myself. They definatly have their faults and it definately affected my childhood and our relationship. In the future, after I move out, I will distance myself from the a lot, but I hope that I won’t have to cut them out. 

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? 

My little brother. He’s adorable.

03: Do you regret anything? 

So many things, I could write a book about my regrets. 

04: Are you insecure? 

Very, I’m insecure about almost everything. Ask literally anyone close to me and they will tell you. 

05: What is your relationship status? 

Single, single, single. And at this point in life, with all of my past relationships, I doubt I will even consider a relationship for a long while. Too much pain and fear for rejection and that type of stuff.

06: How do you want to die?

Honestly, I think it would be cool to die from alcohol poisoning or something like that. But if we are being realistic, any way that isn’t painful, like in my sleep.

 07: What did you last eat? 

a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. 

08: Played any sports?

In the past, I have played both baseball and softball on teams. I haven’t played any sports in the past 8-9 years and I doubt I will any time soon.

 09: Do you bite your nails?

nope, never did. 

 10: When was your last physical fight? 

My dad and I will roughhouse a lot. I tend to stay away from real physical fights. 

11: Do you like someone? 

I do like someone. Sadly, that didn’t work out and I am currently trying to figure out how to get over her.

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

Yes. I have gone to multiple youth group all nighters where they lock you in a building and give you a bunch of stuff to do so that you don’t sleep. I’ve done it three times and have never lost it. 

 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? 

I mean, I always hate myself, does that count? Honestly, a little. For almost a year now, I’ve hated this girl who was talking shit about me because she heard a rumor and decided to hate me. I’ve mostly gotten over it, but I still really don’t like this girl.

14: Do you miss someone?

@trixxyneko. I miss her a lot. 

 15: Have any pets?

Does a little brother count? No, I do not. My family rents a house and our landlord says no pets. We almost adopted a dog that broke into our house, but we couldn’t because of the landlord.

 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

Tired, sore.

 17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

Made out, yes. In a bathroom, nope. 

 18: Are you scared of spiders? 

Not really. I don’t like them and think they are creepy, but I wouldn’t say that I am scared of them. 

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? 

Depends on where I was allowed to go back in time. Plus, do I have to sit back and watch for fear of ruining the timeline, or can I participate? These are all questions I would want answers to before making that decision. 

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

At a party, a year and a half ago.

 21: What are your plans for this weekend?

watch anime. Quarantined rn, so not much to do.

 22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

I want to adopt one kid. Maybe two depending on where I am and life and who I marry. 

 23: Do you have piercings? How many? 

Only regular earring piercings, but I want more.

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? 

Best subject is probably math. Even though I hate math...

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

not really. I can’t think of anyone. I’ve had to say goodbye to a lot of people because I move a lot. But if I’m super close to someone, I will stay in touch one way or another. 

 26: What are you craving right now?

chocolate

 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? 

I wouldn’t say BROKEN, but I have broken up with a dude who followed me around like a puppy dog. He fine tho, at least, that’s what I’ve been told. 

28: Have you ever been cheated on? 

no.

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

I don’t think so, I hope not.

 30: What’s irritating you right now?

This virus and the quarantine. Usually, I stay inside on my own accord, but I hate the fact that my choice has been taken away. I understand why, and I agree, but it does cramp my style. 

 31: Does somebody love you?

I doubt it. I’m a potato and if someone loved me, I’d call them crazy and insane.

 32: What is your favorite color?

I love blues, specifically aquamarine, gray, and purple. 

 33: Do you have trust issues?

Yes. I have had a good number of bad friendships that have given me trust issues. 

 34: Who/what was your last dream about? 

I don’t really dream, and if I do, I forget it immediately, so idk...

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? 

My mirror. Honestly, I cried watching RWBY a few weeks ago, so my siblings.

36: Do you give out second chances too easily? 

Yeah, I trust people even when they don’t really earn that trust. And for me, that means believing that people will change even if they don’t. 

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

Forgive. I very much live by the forgive but don’t forget thing. It’s not that I try to remember, I just have a really good memory.

 38: Is this year the best year of your life?

Absolutely not. I look around at what is happening in both the entire world and my personal life, and I feel despair. 

 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 

14 years old.

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? 

NO. I have no self confidence, I can’t even walk around my house without two or three layers of clothing on and be comfortable. 

51: Favorite food? 

PICKLES and ICE CREAM. But not together, that’s gross. 

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

Yes, otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to live in this chaos. I have to believe in that for my own sanity. 

 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

Read fanfiction.

 54: Is cheating ever okay?

No. What type of question is that? Cheating is never okay. If you enter a relationship, you are dedicating yourself to that person until you two break up, if you do that. If you want to be with someone else, you need to leave the relationship you are already in.

 55: Are you mean? 

I don’t think so. I can be mean at times, but I am not mean in the sense that I get joy from it and am mean regularly. 

56: How many people have you fist fought? 

zero. again, i don’t like fighting.

57: Do you believe in true love?

yes, I do. 

 58: Favorite weather? 

rain. 

59: Do you like the snow? 

yeah, but I don’t see it often. I could probably count the times I’ve played in snow on one hand.

60: Do you wanna get married? 

yes.

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

Depends on my relationship with them. I have been called babe by dudes hitting on me and I hate that. But if it is someone I am close to, I don’t see why not, it’s them trying to show affection. though why they would like me is beyond me

 62: What makes you happy?

fandoms, music.

 63: Would you change your name?

maybe. I’ve thought about it, a lot. 

 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

YES, VERY HARD. Let’s just say that the last time I kissed someone, I wasn’t in the best mental health place and them giving me attention felt good. Looking back, they aren’t a good person and I hate myself for falling for all that. 

 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 

Seeing as how I am a lesbian, I’d tell them that I’m not interested, but I would love to still be their friend.

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 

Yeah. He’s amazing. We both have crackhead energy, though he has more of it. 

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

Same friend as the last question. We texted last night in a group chat.

 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

My discord server and I have had a few deep conversations. I’d say them. 

 69: Do you believe in soulmates? 

I don’t really know. I guess? Yeah, I do. 

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

All of my close friends.

Welp, that’s done. Thank you so much for the laugh and the questions. I hope these answers of satisfying and if they arent, oh well. 

#ask #anon #anonymous #ask game #thanks for the ask! #long post #took me about half an hour to answer all these #but it was worth it

[momtemplative]

Summertime.

Summertime is fucking awesome for a kid.

I remember entire days—chunks of days— that were spent at the pool, with Will Smith’s SummaSummaSummaTime bumping through the loud speakers while we ate nachos with fake cheese for lunch with our wrinkly, chlorine-sodden fingers. For months, everything smelled with a hint of chlorine and freedom. Open expanses of time were glorious.

Then I had kids. 

With kids and summer, there is a lot to consider, a grand choreography to uphold. I always lose sleep before summer. It feels as if my role jumps from “parent” to “coordinator of peace and good times for three straight months,” (even typing all that was exhausting), where everyone is entertained, but not too entertained, happy, but not overly happy, everyone has a routine, but plenty of time for spontaneity, and so on! YAY!

Like all grand puppet-masters, I feel deeply anxious before the show even begins. Damn you, summer!

Summer is just the right length where we can get through it, at times gliding through mercifully, at times, hanging on to all the tow-ropes and oh-shit handles we can find along the way. The number of kid meltdowns and sibling fista-cuffs greatly increases as we near the finish line. The phrase, “We’ll try and get you some space,” is utilized daily. Then, when school starts again, we all heave a sigh of relief that is audible for blocks. 

I wasn’t fully aware of the amount of time and energy that went to keeping the machine-of-summer afloat. Until COVID and our involuntary exposure therapy. We were thrust into “summer” two-and-a-half months early, without warning and without any external supports. It felt like some bizarre test in endurance. Like our human capacity for resilience was being evaluated for future generations. There was no more just getting through. We were thrown in way too deep for that. We had to figure out how to function, how to grow and maintain sanity because, for this version of summer, there really is no finish line.

After the first two COVID-weeks of being at home with the kids, no work or school (or online school at that point), no activities or playdates, no outside world to depend on, I fell apart. As in, to pieces—the way one does when they are trying to hold everything together. The uptick in fights, tantrums and explosive emotions, with no end in sight, was too much to process.

After a few hours of wallowing, I picked myself up and pulled down a pile of books from the shelf that have added perspective in the past—Siblings without Rivalry, The Wisdom of No Escape, Care of the Soul. The words were nice, but nothing cut through the wall of despondency. So I pulled out my phone and searched “Siblings Fighting” on my Janet Lansbury podcast, smearing tears as I went.

(A note here on Janet Lansbury. As a parent of young kids, no one person has benefited my faculties, mental health and wit more than Janet. Her podcast is rich with real-life wisdom that changes the experience of parenthood for the better.)

In the random sibling-titled podcast that I discovered—from years ago, but still, obviously, totally current—Janet was replying to a woman who had three young kids and was losing her mind trying to maintain tranquility in her house. The woman said something to the effect of, it would have been so much easier if I’d only had one.

To this, Janet replied with what felt, to me, like a beautiful and classic snap-out-of-it moment. She said, No. I disagree. Followed by something to the order of this: When you have one child, you can still live under the illusion that you can keep everyone happy. When you have two kids, you start to see that it’s really tough, damn near impossible, to keep everyone happy and peaceful, but you may still try. With three kids, you have the gift of experiencing first hand that the jig is up! No matter what kind of tiny-statue-winning show you maintain, there is no way in hell you can keep three young kids peaceful all the time. So you are forced to stop trying. 

I came to the conclusion that COVID is my third child. 

And with that thought—like the scene in Mary Poppins where the messy room gets magically tidied as if from an internal intelligence all its own—my insides were completely fresh, organized, and updated. My energy quadrupled.

With the externals turned down, with nowhere to go, and all of us cohabiting the same tiny shoebox of a house, it’s not going to be business-as-usual for quite some time. And we’ll all fare better with adjusted expectations. We are all in a fishbowl and, while clocking in endless hours together, I saw right-quick the laundry lists of things I feigned having control of: my girls and their interactions, potty training for Ruth, the weather (which rules if we can or cannot get outside), my mood, Jesse’s mood. 

Janet says, wake up expecting turmoil—then you won't make it your job to live free of it, get rid of it, fix it, numb it. Discord is healthy. Emotions are healthier. Don’t dive in and ride the waves with your kids, stand back and watch, give them space, be there for them to come back to shore. The last thing they need is a mom who is also out of breath, scraped up and with sand in her ears. I don’t need to be Queen Empress of their journey as siblings. I don’t need to have a say in every nuance, every detail and pixel of this habitat. 

And, she says, give yourself permission to flounder, too. Always, but especially right now. Some moments just feel brutally claustrophobic—we can be ready for that. A few days ago, I started crying while Jesse was giving me a shoulder massage. No warning, just did. I had a major-headache and I couldn’t think straight. Opal said, “Mom, are you crying?” SO defensive, I said, “I feel like I’m under a magnifying glass!” and ran out of the room. And sometimes it just goes like that. (I apologized to Opal soon thereafter.) If my emotions are coming out sideways like this—at 42 and with thousands of dollars under my belt spent on therapy—imagine what our sweet kiddos are going through!

And sometimes things settle organically into their rightful place, without force or manipulation. Today, I was lying on the floor in the hallway—not an unusual sight in the middle of the day for me to have my legs up a wall for a short period of time. This time, Ruth was in the bathroom in the tub, the door open to my right. She was acting out a full drama with her Elsa and Anna barbies. Opal was behind her bedroom door, which was closed, reachable by raising my right arm. She was doing her singing lessons over Skype, crooning her gorgeous little heart out. Jesse was behind door number three, our closed bedroom door, easily reached by my left hand. He was talking on the phone in hushed tones to who-knows-who. Three completely separate worlds were happening peacefully, simultaneously, all within my arm’s reach. It was a tiny little subculture, and I was in the middle, observant and spacious, not expending even the slightest molecule of energy. 

If anything, I was bolstered as a part of this whole, the Grimes system, my family.  And there were a few cherished minutes to get lost inside of that settled feeling, which is becoming less and less rare, before Ruth hollered that she needed to pee and I snapped back to attention. 

So here we are, nearing the end of the first official week of summer. No public pool or Will Smith or finger-paint-yellow nacho cheese. I can’t quite fathom a summer without any of the norms—camps and playdates and travel. For now, no public places, parks, or our blessed little library.

Things are starting to slowly open again, though I suppose they have been for weeks now. We have taken two magnificent walks with our close friends—socially distanced and masked. It’s still strange, but a step forward, no doubt. Cultivating moments of connection like these, situations hinged in community—even if virtual—are key in maintaining some sense of equanimity as time moves forward. 

(PS: This is utterly different from the work of the puppet-master.)

Though time feels anything but linear. I flash-forward to the image of my daughters ten, twenty, years from now, reminiscing about the COVID era with their friends. (Six feet apart on walks, remember? The masks, OMG, the MASKS!) I think back to when I was a kid and scour the already-murky memories for some example of a comparable viewpoint, something I can offer to my girls, tell them I had been through something similar when I was their age. But I come up with nothing, nada. 

We are all writing this story as we go.

May 27, 2020

#momtemplative #mindfulparenting #COVIDwords #summertime

[ocean-in-my-rebel-soul]

Mutual Pining [4/?]

March’s monthly story, as voted on in my Patreon poll. Posted late due to health complications last month.

Check out my Patreon and consider joining my private Discord server to hang out!

Title: Mutual Pining Relationships: Templar!Carver Hawke/Merrill Rating: E for eventual smut (will be marked) Summary: A week of shore-leave turned into an impromptu camping trip with Merrill, and Carver made the mistake of not checking when Isabela and his sibling helped pack the bags. It had all the essentials, Bela swore, except for one thing:

It only had one tent.

Notes: set somewhere in Act 2, and Carver’s been a Templar now a year and a half or so. Turns out, it might did end up longer than seven parts, these two keep surprising me.

[Part 1]  [Part 2]   [Part 3]  [Part 4]

====

“—and this is halla beard, but you might know it as goat’s beard,” Merrill chirped from her seat on the tree branch. Carver watched while she gathered up the stringy stuff. “It’s good for blood clotting and fevers and other things.”

“Is it good for keeping elves from falling out of trees?” he muttered, eyeing her critically.

She turned, a confused frown on her face, and wobbled, almost pitching herself off the branch entirely. Carver tensed and readied to catch her but she found her balance almost as quickly as she had lost it.

“What was that, Little Hawke?” she asked breathlessly.

Carver shook his head. “Nothing, Merr.”

“Oh, look, the spruce tips are ready, too! Here, catch these.” She dropped her current haul and stretched to pluck at the bright green branch tips around her. “These are good for food, you know,” she said absentedly, concentrating as she climbed up the tree in search for the best of the bundled needle-like leaves. “Makes an excellent tea, or added to salads. We sometimes pickle them in vinegar with honey and water. Delicious!”

He caught the tips as she tossed them down. “Wouldn’t it be better to collect more from each tree? Less climbing around and stuff.”

She shook her head and dropped down from the branches. “You don’t want to over-harvest,” she said. “We all have to live on what the forest gives us. Taking too much from one tree or bush could hurt it.”

He hummed noncommittally. Much different than farming; he remembered working for their neighboring homestead after his own household chores and the way the old widow would yell, reminding him and Eli to harvest and weed until the bare earth showed its scars. Ah, Ferelden.

Carver rolled his shoulders as Merrill peeked into the basket, rearranging her planty treasures. Satisfied, she retrieved their lunch from her travel bag, neatly slicing into the hard chunks of sausage and cheese before sharing.

“I can’t wait to get to the grove,” she said around a mouthful of sausage. “Varric says he got the original map from one of the Sabrae hunters a while back. I want to see what’s there!”

“You’ve never been to the place?” Carver couldn’t help the nervous falling of his stomach. She’d used string to find her way around Kirkwall for years, after all, and that was in a pretty straightforwardly-built city. There were only so many ways to get lost among all those stairs. A forest was a much easier place to get turned around and lost for days.

“It’s just the woods, Little Hawke. I know how to find my wa— Oh, listen, do you hear that? Sounds like a thrush!”

He shook his head as she rose to her feet and crept toward the birdsong, lunch forgotten. Ah, Merrill, he thought, smiling. Never change.

Carver watched her. She smiled, and laughed, and was animated in ways he rarely saw in Kirkwall. Rarely saw period, now, but especially in Kirkwall. She always seemed to breathe easier on the road in his memories.

“It looks like it’s going to rain tonight,” Merrill called over her shoulder. She pointed up through the tree canopy. “See those clouds coming in? They remind me of pregnant halla, all fat and heavy.”

He squinted up at the sky and the dark cloud layer rolling in before stowing her baskets. “We should get going, then. You said we’re only a couple hours away, right? Hopefully we’ll get there before the worst of it hits.”

Merrill bounded over to him, a handful of pale blue blossoms in hand. She slipped them into the top basket and Carver helped her shrug back into her pack, shuffling it against her back. “What are those good for?” he asked, picking up his own bag.

“Oh! Um.” She met his eyes, her own wide in surprise, and looked away, a blush stealing over her face. “They, um. They’re my favorite shade of blue.” Merrill took a deep breath and walked further into the forest. “It reminds me of you,” she said in a rush, not looking back.

He stood there, dumbly, hands still working on the clasps of his coat. “It what?”

—

They weren’t a mere two hours away from their destination, as luck (and a likely/definitely skewed map) would have it. The sky dumped buckets down on their heads well into the evening and soaked them to the bone, even despite the thick canopy overhead.

They came into a small clearing--no more wide than Carver’s bedroom at the estate, really, but big enough for maybe their tents and a fire, if they were careful. He scrubbed his hands down his face. “This better be it,” he grumbled.

They ducked into the less-drenched shelter of a tree before Merrill carefully retrieved her map, reading by the light of a ball of magelight hovering at her shoulder. “Looks like it! We should set up camp, I don’t know that we’ll get anything useful done tonight. Maybe the rain will stop soon.”

Carver peered up at the sky with a scowl and threw down his pack. ”I’ll set up the tents, you check for a source of fresh water. We can use the camp pot for rainwater, if it comes down to it, I guess.” Merrill created another ball of magelight and then scarpered off, shedding her pack far more gracefully than he did on her way.

“And don’t fall or slip or anything!” he called after her as she disappeared into the night, only to see a blithe hand-wave in response. “Right, tents. Get a move on, Carver.” He quickly untied the oilcloth coverings of their packs to retrieve the folded canvas tents—

And paused, brow furrowed.

No. No, no, no.

Carver pawed through his pack. It was big, and heavy, and that weight had been reassuring up until a minute ago. He set aside a neatly-corralled expanse of canvas, wrapped alongside the ropes and short sticks that would help make up most of the frame. A bundle of cloth laid beneath it, and when he messily unwrapped it he found Bela’s hip flask, a parcel of cookies, other sundry provisions, and a note.

“Dear Carver, get bent. Enjoy the tent! Heh, that rhymed, who’d’ve thought? Anyway. Love, Eli,” it said in blocky handwriting.

The ink dragged across the page and a new script, light and practiced, sprawled over the page.

“Ignore Eli, get Merrill bent, and maybe you’ll both feel better. Have fun! And don’t do anything I wouldn’t! Rum, Bela. (Rum’s better than love, don’t you think? More fun, anyway.)”

Carver crumpled the note--and its unsurprisingly juvenile sketch--in his fist and stared at the half-strewn traveling bags with growing horror-tinged embarrassment. He should have known better to assume any sort of goodness from those two, they were worse than magpies when they put their devious minds to something.

“I found the stream, just like the map said! We’ll be set!���

He gurgled something in response, fist pressed to his mouth for a moment. “Good, fine, good,” he called back. “Everything’s good. Yep. Good, good, good.” Carver mentally prepared a to-do list for the minute he got back to Kirkwall, with one highlighted, bullet-pointed item:

Absolutely murdering his sibling.

“Little Hawke?”

He would deny until his dying day acknowledgement of the squeak that burst from him at her silent arrival. “Everything’s good!” he said in a rush. “Good, good, good.”

Merrill tilted her head and looked at him, nonplussed. “Of course it is. Here, I’ll help!”

Together they set up their shelter, with the only hangup being finding fallen branches long enough to use as tent poles. Carver finished up tying the last of the knots to secure the canvas as she stowed their supplies.

“I don’t think Eli packed us the right tent,” Merrill said from within. She poked head out through the door flaps. “It’s a bit small. We’ll have to snuggle.”

What.

“Come on,” she said, when he hesitated too long. “It’s cold and wet out there, and soon to be warm and a bit drier in here. I can set a rune under us and keep the tent warm through the night, don’t worry! You won’t freeze, I promise!”

Her earnestness brought him back to the present. Carver shook his water-drenched bangs from his eyes. “Sure, sure. Wait, you can do that?”

Merrill laughed. “Of course! Why do you think Bela always wanted to share with me when we would be on the road together? I know how to do a lot of things,” she said, and her smile was a bit too sharp for her words, but he didn’t have the time to puzzle it out. Merrill pulled him inside, muddy boots and all, and tied the flaps closed against the rain. Her light hovered at the peak of the tent and bathed her in soft, silvery-blue hues.

“Watch,” she said, before crouching down and pulling back the ground cover. Merrill sketched some design into the loamy earth, something he couldn’t quite follow, and slapped her hands against it with a delighted smile. Soon enough steam rose from the ground, drifting lazily through the air as the tent began to warm.

“....huh,” was all he could say. That would have made years of adventuring with their band of misfits easier. “I figured Bela liked to share with you for, uh, other reasons,” he muttered thoughtlessly, shaking his head, and he clapped his hand to his mouth when he heard the words out loud.

Merrill laughed, bright and bubbly, though, so he didn’t make her mad. “Oh, she did,” she agreed sagely, “but I think it was mostly because we both hate being cold. Much easier to sleep when you’re warm, right? I always thought so, at least!”

….Right. Thinking about anything but that. Nope, very studiously ignoring… that.

“And the tent isn’t going to catch fire or anything in the middle of the night?” he asked instead, bringing the conversation back to something safe. Like a tent fire. Like a tent fire inadvertently caused by his mage companion, who so graciously cast some sort of spell to keep them warm, for his comfort.

Great going, Carver. Way to stick your foot waaaay in there.

“Nope,” she replied, thankfully oblivious to his inner monologue and unintended insult. Merrill patted the groundsheet back into place and layered their bedding together into a thick pallet. “Won’t get hot enough to do that. It really just takes the edge off; it’s not like making a fire, more like… oh, like warming the blankets before you crawl into bed. The rune heats the earth below us to help insulate against the cold, which heats the tent a little, and our bedrolls will help trap that warmth to us. Most of the work will still be body heat, though.”

“Smart.” Carver turned away and began to peel off his layers. He was halfway through unbuttoning his vest when he caught her watching, unabashed. Carver blushed. “Do you mind?” he huffed.

“Hm? Oh!” She shook her head and turned her attention elsewhere. “Sorry. Modesty. What a strange idea!”

“Is it… not a thing with the Dalish?” he asked over his shoulder, hands stilled on his buttons.

“Not really.” He could hear her shuffling, then the sound of wet leathers. Carver trained his eyes, both physical and mental, to the canvas wall ahead of him. “Everyone has a body. They’re made for all sorts of things; work, play, pleasure—” Merrill’s voice stumbled for a second before righting itself again “--all very natural things. Nothing I, or anyone else, hasn’t seen before, so why spend the energy being shy and secret about it?”

“...huh,” he said, the word strangled in his throat. “Right. Well. Okay. I’m going to… get ready for bed now. So don’t look.”

She sighed behind him, and he could swear he heard a soft “you silly thing” in her gentle lilt but a quick peek over his shoulder showed her turned toward her own wall, busy with her bedtime preparations. Carver quickly traded his soaked clothing for a light tunic and a suspiciously soft pair of pants--Bela’s influence, no doubt.

Merrill’s penchant for fondling soft, touchable fabrics was well known, and Bela had been trying to “help” Carver “woo” Merrill for ages.

He added “murder the pirate” to his to-do list.

“Oooh, soft,” Merrill cooed quietly, as if on cue. Carver swallowed down a sudden rush of nerves and turned to find her, fully dressed, even, clad in a light shift. Her fingers crushed the fabric and she looked like the happiest damn person he’d ever seen in that moment. “Feel this,” she insisted, and closed the distance between them to thrust the material into his hands. “Isn’t it so pretty?”

He tentatively rubbed at the fabric and found that, yes, it was delightfully soft, something like a mix of silk and the lightest cotton he had ever felt. He also found that its hemline crept up her thighs when she wound his fingers into the cloth. Carver dropped his hands as if scalded.

“It’s really nice.” Like you, he almost said, and it was like another voice was in his mouth, trying to come out. It suits you. Now please take it off.

Fucking Maker, the earth could swallow him whole anytime now.

She smiled, and for a horrified moment he worried he had spoken it all out loud. “It's new! It's a gift,” she said, “from—”

“--From Bela,” he supplied with a groan, to which she nodded. Of course it was. Of course! “I’m going to die,” Carver muttered under his breath when she stepped away.

“What was that?”

“I said I’m going to bed, goodnight.” Carver all but dove into the combined bedroll. He rolled to his side and situated himself to give as wide a berth as possible for her. They’d shared a tent before but never like this.

Don’t make it fucking weird, he told himself.

Despite his good efforts, the bed was still somehow small enough that she plastered herself along his back after extinguishing her light. “We’ll have to snuggle,” Merrill reminded him, words muffled against his shoulder. “Body heat.”

“Right.” His heart pounded like a war drum in his chest. “Should I roll over?”

“If you want.”

“Okay…” They shuffled until he was on his back and Merrill curled up into his side like she belonged there.

Blood mage, blood mage, his heartbeat reminded him. The warning had been loud in his mind before but now it was new once more, a vision of Knight-Commander Stannard’s rage-mottled face blistering into his mind’s eye.

“Remember to uphold the duties and values of the Order, even on your days off,” Rutherford’s phantom voice urged him.

Carver Hawke, who had shielded mages from Templars all his life, wrapped his arm around Merrill’s thin shoulders with a mental fuck you to the Gallows and let the sound of her pleased sigh send him to sleep.

====

[Part 1]  [Part 2]   [Part 3]  [Part 4]

#Carver Hawke #Merrill #Carvill #DA2 #Dragon Age 2 #fic: mutual pining #eventual s/mut #soulrebel writes #soulrebel writes: patreon #reblogs and likes are appreciated and welcome! #thank you! #this chapter ended up being longer than the last two combined #whoops #but I couldn't find a natural place to break it up! #whoops pt 2

[shipmistress9]

FTLOAP: Chapter 28: You Only Show Half To Me

Title: For The Love Of A Princess

Fandom: HTTYD

Theme: Hiccstrid - Medieval-style AU - Romance - Angst/Hurt/Comfort

Summary: Reduced to little more than a stable boy, Hiccup, despite his noble birth, has few prospects for more in life. But when he meets a girl who came to look at the horses, being a stable boy might not be enough anymore. Together, they have tough choices to make and great risks to navigate if they want to survive and be together.

Rating: Explicit

FF-net  -  AO3 -

Discord-server for discussions and questions

Prologue; Chapter 1; Chapter 2; Chapter 3; Chapter 4; Chapter 5; Chapter 6; Chapter 7; Chapter 8; Chapter 9; Chapter 10; Chapter 11; Chapter 12; Chapter 13; Chapter 14; Interlude 1; Chapter 15; Chapter 16; Chapter 17; Chapter 18; Chapter 19; Chapter 20; Chapter 21; Chapter 22; Chapter 23; Chapter 24; Chapter 25; Chapter 26; Interlude 2; Chapter 27

Alpha/Co-author: @athingofvikings

. – * – _ . o O o . _ – * – .

AN: So, everyone recovered from the previous chapter? Great. A fair warning, this chapter won't be quite as exciting, I fear. But then, not everyone can be such a highlight? There need to be calmer transition chapters too? Still, I feel like this is a bit boring. Ah, well, I can't help it ._.

This week's title is from the Song "Half Life" by BANNERS. It refers to how, no matter how close friends our chaos squad has become, they all have secrets. Truth be told, I didn't really know what to pick as the title for this chapter. But when I heard this song of my playlist, this seems oddly fitting. It makes me sad that they can't be completely honest and open with each other. But then... That's life?

Another thing: Special thanks again to @poppysfanworld for the wonderful picture she drew for this story! Thank you so, so much! :D

. o O o .

When Astrid woke a few hours later, it was – once again – to Daniel calling her and shaking her shoulder.

“Hey, sleepy head,” came his annoyingly cheerful voice, cutting into her drowsy mind. ”I know why Dagur and Eret slept longer today, but even they're awake by now. What’s your excuse for sleeping this long?”

Astrid grumbled and tried to pull her blanket over her head, but Daniel prevented that. Laughing, he wrestled her for the blanket, and soon Astrid was laughing too. She couldn’t really stay grumpy, not today. Not after this night.

“Morning, Swanja,” he greeted her when she was finally fully awake, both siblings grinning. “Sorry for interrupting your beauty sleep. But it’s my last free day before I return to Westhill, and I thought I spend it with my little baby sister instead of her slumbering away the entire day. What do you say? Any ideas what we could do?”

Astrid’s mood fell a little at his words. Right… Daniel would soon be back at the front, and during the Midwinter festivities of the following two days, they wouldn’t have any free time to speak of. Only the night of the second day was free of any official events, but if Astrid remembered correctly, Daniel and the others had scheduled their long-planned visit to the tavern for that day, and she couldn’t very well accompany them there.

With a half-amused and half-annoyed snort, she let herself drop back into her cushion. Not to go back to sleep, but just because it was more comfortable than sitting halfway propped up on her elbows on the soft mattress. “Baby sister?” she asked in affected indignation. “I’m turning eighteen in two months! Don’t you think you could leave off the ‘baby’ by now?” Not to mention that, after spending the night with Hiccup, she felt more grown-up and mature than ever. A pleasant shiver ran down her spine at the memory. Surely, the term ‘baby’ didn’t suit her any longer.

But Daniel just gave her a wistful half-smile. “You’ll always be my cute little baby sister, no matter whether your hair is decorated by a coronet or dry leaves.”

“That only happened once,” Astrid snorted, and rolled her eyes as she swung her legs out of the bed. “And it’s been what… eleven years ago now? Besides, may I remind you that it was you who encouraged me to hide in that massive pile of leaves? Seriously, you have no right to put any blame on me for the tantrum my governess threw afterwards.”

“I never said it was your fault,” Daniel defended himself, arms raised, before they shared another grin at the memory. “But my question still stands. What would you like to do today? The choice is totally up to you.”

Astrid walked over to the bedroom door to give Ruff, who undoubtedly stood outside, the sign to come in. “I assume that was meant as a rhetorical question?” she deadpanned. What did he think where she would want to go?

“Well, I wanted to give you the choice anyway,” he said, shrugging, and averted his gaze. “I wouldn’t want to persuade you to agree to anything just because I suggested it.”

Sighing, she threw him a fond smile. “That’s cute. But I think we both agree on where we want to spend a free day.” She paused for a moment, biting her lip as she pondered, but then added, “Besides, I have a second reason to want to go to the stables, other then just going to the stables. I lost my necklace, it’s probably there... somewhere... Maybe we’ll be lucky and can find it?”

“Your necklace? Sure. That’s definitely a good enough reason to go there, in case we needed one.” He winked, and stood up from her bed’s edge as Ruff came in with a curious expression. “I’ll go and tell Eret and Dagur. And get a picnic basket packed for us?”

“That sounds perfect,” Astrid agreed.

Both she and Ruff followed Daniel with their eyes as he left, then her maidservant commented, “I assume that means you’ll wear another one of your sturdier dresses today? Frigga, I’m so glad I just got a few of them back from the laundry.”

Astrid chuckled slightly, knowing Ruff had a point. Her wardrobe really wasn’t cut for prolonged weeks of this life of freedom. Not long after, Ruff returned with one of Astrid’s recent favourites; a woollen dress in deep forest green with a few golden highlights that came with an incredibly sturdy and warm cloak in moss green and brown.

While Ruff got her dressed, Astrid allowed her mind to drift away for a bit. The hours she’d spent with Hiccup last night had been spectacular. Never in her life had she imagined something could feel so good, so liberating, like those lightnings bursting through her, like an explosion. She longed to feel it again. And she would, she knew, maybe even tonight. But even more powerful in a way had been the rest, being so close to Hiccup without even the slightest barrier between them. As if that physical closeness had brought forth a deeper mental closeness as well. And just lying with him, sleeping arm in arm… despite it only lasting for a couple of hours, it felt like that had been the best and most restful sleep she’d ever had.

In addition, staying that long at the stables hadn’t been a problem either. She’d been back at the castle just in time to join a group of servants coming over from the city for their daily work, and luckily, Ruff hadn’t noticed her absence either. There’d even been enough time to sleep for a bit longer before anyone checked on her. Now, there really was no reason for her not to meet Hiccup as often as she liked, when even getting enough sleep wasn’t an issue anymore.

Now, all she could hope was that their newfound closeness wouldn’t show in their normal interactions.

. o O o .

With a low grunt, Hiccup sat back on his haunches, and hopelessly looked around his stall. Usually, it didn't seem to be that big, but when one was almost literally looking for the needle in a haystack…

After Astrid had left, he’d fed the horses with an entirely new flourish, feeling so light as if nothing could ever darken his mood again. All his fears and worries had evaporated, all his hopes fulfilled. So long as they kept a bare minimum of clothes on, there was nothing holding him back during those nights she came to him anymore, not any rules, no fears of going too far, and no worries about scaring Astrid off either. He just might need to be a little more careful, as he was suddenly going through his stack of clothes at a much quicker rate.

But Freya, the way she’d responded to his touch, so pure, so eager and curious. Hiccup thought that he could have continued forever to explore her body – to help her explore her body. Watching the wonder in her eyes had been almost better than everything else. Almost.

Because the best had been… just holding her, sleeping with her in his arm, waking up next to her. Exploring how the sexual part of their relationship would be had been fantastic, just as he'd hoped. But never in his life had he imagined how wonderful something simple as her warm and sleepy weight on his chest could feel. He couldn't wait for when that would be normal.

But that was still years away...

Sighing, Hiccup focused back on the present, and, not for the first time since Astrid had left, ran his fingers through his hair as let his eyes wander over his makeshift bed. So far, there’d been no sign of her key. Sure, he’d only looked for little over an hour after caring for the horses, but his knees already hurt from crawling around and now, his left leg started to twinge a little.  

But it wasn’t like he had anything else to do anyway. There was no combat training today, so he didn’t need to be at the garrison or the archery range in time, and he didn’t know of any other plans that might include him either. No, all he had to do today was give the horses some exercises, Chomp especially, and try not to get distracted all the time by thinking about Astrid too much.

Like the warmth and lightness that radiated from the bond in his chest. Or the way just remembering her laughter made his heart swell. Or how much he wished he could simply run his fingers through her hair, just once… He wanted to play with it, to disentangle the silken strands, and see how she liked it. He couldn’t even say what it was about her hair that drew him in. Maybe it was simply the fact that he couldn’t, since even dishevelling it here at night would be too dangerous. Getting those endless silken waves back in order would take forever. But that didn’t change the fact that her hair held an almost irresistible allure to him. Sighing, he pushed that thought away. One day, he reminded himself. But until then, brushing away loose strands every now and then was all he could do.

Lost in his daydreams and in the studious activity of rifling through the straw, the sound of the front door opening caught him completely by surprise. He barely had time to scramble up on his feet before the cheerful voices of his friends reached him.

Eret was the first to call out. “Ho, Hiccup? Are you here?”

“Yeah, over here,” Hiccup called back, and poked his head out of his stall, smiling as Dagur and Daniel entered the stables behind Eret. The prospect of spending some time in friendly company was good. But as welcome as the sight of his friends was, there was nothing that quite matched the moment Astrid came into his view as well.

Only a few hours had passed since he’d last seen her, but that didn’t keep his heart from making a joyful leap at her sight. He actively had to suppress the urge to walk over to her, to cradle her face in his hands, and to kiss those soft lips that were twitching into a bright smile right now. Fighting to not show his emotions too obviously, he quickly turned his attention away from her.

“Good morning, Milords, Milady,” he greeted them all at once, and bowed in his usual playfully exaggerated manner. It might have started as a way to tease Eret, but by now it had become almost second nature to him. It felt right... in a weirdly wrong kind of way.

“Morning,” Daniel replied. There was something like a smile around his mouth, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He looked tired, exhausted even, and Hiccup wondered idly what it had been that had occupied him last night, what the note he’d received had been about. It seemed to have been important, judging by how little sleep Daniel apparently had gotten.

“Morning, Hiccup,” Eret greeted him too, and placed a basket on one of the straw bales. It was a familiar sight by now, and meant they intended to spend the whole day here, or at least long enough to justify eating here. It was also a very welcome sight as it meant good food and even better company today. Although...

Involuntarily, Hiccup’s eyes flickered in Astrid’s direction for a scant second. Lately, there hadn’t been a problem with behaving normally around her, not with the prospect of eventually being unobserved and free to interact with her again. But last night, something new had formed between them, and Hiccup wasn’t sure whether he’d be able to interact with her directly without showing just how much he felt for her, whether he’d be able to contain what he felt. The chance of slipping up and for their friends to suspect something was pretty high.

And Eret’s next words didn’t exactly help to soothe those concerns either. “What were you doing back there?” he asked, and nodded at Hiccup’s sleeping stall.

Hiccup bit his lips. ‘I was looking for Astrid’s necklace after I must have ripped it off during heavily making out with her last night’ probably wasn’t the most sensible way to answer. “I…” he began, and swallowed as his eyes wandered from one mildly curious face to the other. The faint blush on Astrid’s cheek didn’t help his concentration either. “I was taking a nap?” Damn, why had that come that out like a question? “It was a long night, after all, and I was still tired after…” he trailed off, shrugging, and hoped to appear nonchalant.

“Understandable,” Daniel answered with a grin. “From what I’ve heard, you had a good time at Freya’s Temple? This Cami must be a rather spirited woman. Dagur even mentioned some broken furniture?”

“Ahm… Not last night, no,” Hiccup hastily rectified. Again, his gaze flickered to Astrid, wondering what she would be able to make of such a comment. But there was nothing but curiosity in her soft eyes, and it helped to somewhat settle his nerves again. “But yes. Last night had been… It had been fantastic,” he added with a wide grin. Daniel and the others didn’t need to know that he wasn’t talking about Cami, after all. However, the words reminded him of the supposedly broken figurine that was still hidden in his cloak. Last night, he hadn’t gotten the chance to give it to Astrid, and now he wondered when there would be a good moment.

“No argument there,” Dagur chimed in, a slightly dazed look on his face. “Who would have thought that a human body could be so flexible.”

Eret choked on a bit of sweet bread he’d just swiped from the food basket, but managed to hide it as laughter as Dagur cackled at his own comment. Oh, that might be a bit of information Hiccup would keep in mind for teasing Eret every now and then.

He and Daniel chimed in on the laughter, but the Prince quickly sobered up when a strange coughing sound interrupted the general amusement. All eyes wandered to Astrid standing to the side and watching them. Her face was red, and Hiccup could read her all too well. She was fighting back her own laughter. But apparently, Daniel interpreted her flushed face differently.

“Erm, right,” he muttered, and sheepishly rubbed the back of his head. “Probably not the best topic. Sorry, Swanja.” He gave her an apologetic smile – which she returned with a simple nod – before he turned back to Hiccup. “Anyway, I suggest you go back to the Temple some day when it’s still bright outside. The architecture of that place is amazing! Have you seen…”

He digressed into a monologue about the structures Hiccup had already admired last night, and Hiccup would have been content to listen a while longer, making mental notes of all the small peculiarities he was to look out for. But as Daniel threatened to drift off into a detailed description of a secret statue hidden between a few roofs and only visible from a few selected windows, Hiccup caught the desperately pleading look Eret threw him, and intervened.

“I’m not sure I can keep all these information in my head,” he said, and held up his hands to make Daniel pause. “But maybe you can make a list of the most important points? Or even better, show me tomorrow when we’re there for the grand blot?”

Daniel blinked, apparently realising that he’d once more gotten carried away. “Right… I think such a list even already exists. I’ll see if I can find it, because I fear I won’t have the time to show you tomorrow.” He sighed, and Hiccup nodded, understanding. The grand blot tomorrow was, of course, an official and public event. Not the right time for the Crown Prince to make a private tour for a stable boy.

“Anyway,” Daniel went on, noticeably more cheerful and obviously intent on bringing up a new, brighter topic. “You haven’t by any chance found a necklace somewhere?”

For a second, Hiccup’s heart dropped into his stomach. How could Daniel know about… Hiccup physically fought against glancing at Astrid, but what little he got from the corner of his eye, she seemed relatively relaxed.

“A n-necklace?” he asked, deciding that playing dumb might be the best way. He wasn’t supposed to know about any necklace, right? “What kind of necklace?”

“It’s–” Daniel began, but at that moment Astrid stepped forward and interrupted her brother.

“It’s just a simple necklace,” she explained, acting timidly. “A plain golden chain with a small key as charm. I must have lost it here yesterday.”

Hiccup was about to answer, scrambling up every bit of acting skill he could muster to interact normally with her, when Eret beat him to it.

“You lost your necklace?” he asked, brows furrowed in confusion. “Here? Are you sure?”

Astrid turned towards him, shrugged, and nodded. “Yes, I think so. I mean, I only noticed when I was back in my rooms, but where else could I have lost it? Sure,  it also could have fallen off on the way back to the castle, but I can’t imagine why or how. No, I think it’s here somewhere.”

Eret’s forehead was still wrinkled, but he nodded. “I see,” he murmured, then turned to address Hiccup as well. “So, did you find anything?”

Hiccup shook his head, internally sighing in relief. Talking to Eret was way easier. “No, I haven’t found anything,” he announced as sober as he could.

“All right, let’s have a look then?” Daniel suggested. “Where were you yesterday? Do you remember? You certainly were here in the main corridor. And in Markor’s stall too, if I remember correctly.”

Astrid nodded, a little hesitantly. “And in the tack room.”

“All right, then let’s see if we can find it.”

. o O o .

With a heavy sigh, Astrid wiped a loose strand of hair out of her eyes, and silently cursed herself. She hadn’t been thinking when she mentioned the key, had she? What did it matter whether she got it back now or in a couple of days? Sooner or later, either she or Hiccup would have found it anyway. But no, she just had to mention it, hadn’t she? Daniel had been right; it wasn’t as if they needed a special reason to spend a day here…

And she really ought to have known better. She should have known that her brothers would do anything to help her get her necklace back. Even if it meant for five people to crawl around in the straw for hours. Or that was what it felt like at least, even though it probably was barely more than one hour so far.

“I fear this is hopeless,” she sighed, frustrated. She knew they wouldn’t find her necklace after all, not with where they were looking. At some point, Eret had brought up that, with Hiccup having already fed the horses, it could actually be in one of the other horses’ stalls too, so they’d extended the search places accordingly.

“No need to give up just yet,” Daniel called over from where he tied Trample to a hook in the corridor to have space to search his stallion’s stall in peace. “There’s still a few places we can look, and when we can’t find it, we’ll simply dig a little deeper. It’s got to be somewhere, right?”

Except that we’re not looking where it actually has to be, Astrid thought, resigned. This was not how she had thought this day would proceed. Truth be told, she’d hoped Hiccup had found the key by now, that he would offhandedly comment he’d seen it lying around and hand it back to her. But this… It was Daniel’s last day off, and she didn’t want him to waste it on this fruitless search.

Deciding to try and redirect today’s path, she slumped down on a nearby straw bale, and shook her head. “I don’t know. It could be anywhere. Maybe I lost it on the way back to the castle after all, or it’s somewhere hidden in yesterday’s dress.” She shrugged. “It’s okay, maybe it’ll show up again, and if not…” She trailed off, feigning indifference.

Daniel looked crestfallen, but didn’t contradict her. “You’re probably right. I’m sorry. I’d hoped I could at least…” Sighing, he shook his head.

“I’m sorry too, little sis,” Dagur said, and placed a comforting arm around her shoulder as he sat down beside her. “But how about we all go to the city and get you a new necklace? How does that sound?” He sounded cheerful as ever.

Astrid, unable to resist his good mood, smiled, but shook her head. “That’s a kind idea, really. But I have enough jewellery.”

“And that’s not the point anyway,” Eret threw in. Shrugging at Dagur’s puzzled expression, he explained, “It’s the charm that matters, right Swanja? It’s the key to the coffer your father got for her some years ago, and what’s valuable is what’s inside that coffer.”

“It is,” Astrid agreed, but tried to play it down in order to make them drop the topic. “But it’s not that bad. It’s mostly full of keepsakes, you know, swan feathers and arrowheads and the like. Personal things, but nothing of real value.” She chuckled, feinting embarrassment. “I’m sure the key will turn up eventually.”

Dagur nodded. “And if not, we can always break it open, I guess. So how about we go and get you a new coffer right away? I saw a shop in town, and I’m sure they’d love to have their work used by the Princess.”

“You just want to get another box of cookies,” Eret commented, laughing as he leaned against the wall of Trample’s stall.

“Well, that wasn’t my main intention. But now that you brought it up…” he shared a grin with Eret, and Astrid could swear she heard Hiccup chuckle from where he was half-heartedly searching through another stack of hay a few steps away.

“Cookies don’t sound so bad,” she said, not quite getting the joke but too occupied with preventing unnecessary damage anyway. “But I don’t think we need to get a new coffer just yet. As I said, maybe the key will show up somewhere after all. Maybe we should keep breaking it open as a last option if everything else fails?”

“Indeed,” Daniel agreed, sounding surprisingly cheerful all of a sudden as he poked his head out of the stall he’d been searching. Astrid looked up to find him with a bright grin on his face. “Before we resort to brute force, there might be another option we ought to consider first.” He paused, making sure everyone was listening, and if possible, his grin grew even wider. “We could try to meddle with the lock itself first. I mean, I think our skills at lockpicking aren’t that good, but maybe it could also be disassembled? Now, if only we knew someone whose versed in mechanics and the like.”

There was a moment of silence before everyone turned to look at Hiccup. So far, he hadn’t really participated in the discussion, and Astrid understood all to well why that was. With the memories of the previous night still glowing so brightly in her mind, it was hard to keep her usual calm facade around Hiccup. And she guessed he didn’t feel much better.

Although, right now he looked just as surprised by Daniel’s suggestion as Astrid felt. His eyes wandered from Daniel to Astrid, over Eret and Dagur, and then back to Daniel again before he found his voice again. “I… I think I could… give it a try?” he mumbled, more asking than anything else. His eyes searched hers once more, openly asking her opinion for once, and it felt strange in a way.

“Would that be okay for you, Astrid?” Daniel asked, a trace of concern now in his voice. “If we go back to your rooms right away, I can stay with you the whole time if that makes you feel better.”

Astrid was hard pressed not to laugh out loud, but managed in the last moment to keep quiet, even as her head was suddenly spinning with all kinds of thoughts. If she agreed, Hiccup would be in her rooms. It was a dream and a nightmare at the same time; him appearing in the middle of the night to surprise her when she slept, his arms winding around her, their lips meeting, never letting go again. And always the fear someone might spot him. But of course, this would be different. Hiccup would be there on official invitation, not just on hers but on Daniel’s too. Daniel would be there to observe that nothing inappropriate happened, so there was no risk of getting caught.

But on the other hand, Daniel would be there. If Hiccup was successful in opening the lock, then she somehow had to make sure that Daniel wouldn’t even take a fleeting look inside. Could she manage that?

Maybe it would be better to not let Hiccup try… The key had to be somewhere in his stall, after all. She could wait another day or two. Yeah, that was probably the best option.

Astrid was about to decline the suggestion – but when she wanted to say so, she couldn’t. How was she supposed to explain her decision? By implying that she didn’t want Hiccup in her rooms? Or didn’t want him to see what was inside by any chance? She wanted to seem indifferent to Hiccup, not averse.

All these thoughts crossed her mind in the span of only a few seconds, but in the end, all she could do was nod. “That… would be okay,” she muttered, unable to come up with a more reasonable response. At least she had a little more time to think of a way how to keep Daniel away from the coffer now.

“Good,” her brother exclaimed cheerfully. “Let’s go right away then.”

. o O o .

So... yep... sorry that this chapter not as exciting. :

But there's one other bit I wanted to talk about... There's the key... I thought about what to say, if I should say anything or keep the mystery just for fun. But then I thought there already are enough secrets, so I could just as well clear this up right away. They lost key serves a purpose in the end. But it's only a small piece of a bigger picture, and it's not to reveal their relationship or even blackmail them.

Next chapter

#FTLOAP #for the love of a princess #hiccstrid #hiccstrid fanfiction #httyd #httyd fanfiction #httyd fandom #medieval au #Hiccstrid Medieval AU #royalty au #hiccstrid royal au #Hiccup and Astrid