#no shame we post cringe headcanons and die like men

[ultravioart]

General personhood Headcanons I have for the WoY main 5. warning: long text ahead :')

Wander: Pronouns: Any! Just like names, Wander uses what is gifted to him by others. He/him is most common, though neutral pronouns are often used, too.

Identity: Canonically nonbinary. (Wander existed before the concept of gender/Wander's people had no concept of gender. Wander is without gender.)

Phenotype: Since Wander's species lives SO LONG and it seems life expectancy is based off of outlook (optimistic = staying young), plus the "existed before the concept of gender" thing, my guess is that there are no distinct male or female members of Wander's species. This would allow Wander's species to travel great distances without having issues with maintaining a population. However, Wander seems to be the last of his kind.

Orientation: The friendliest ace in Outerspace! Asexual Wander is panky positive but tends to offer cartoonishly silly educational seminars covering various love languages (gift giving, PDA, etc) instead. imo Wander would definitely get tons of squishes (platonic crushes) way more often than any romantic crushes. His naive outlook on romance (boy meets girl = all is fixed and happily ever after) might be a hint that he doesn't personally experience romantic attraction/romantic relationships often enough to fully grasp it. Regardless, I head canon he can fall for anyone (squish, or crush on occasion), but he finds himself falling towards masculine folks quite often. Cool, strong Sylvia is super amazing, Lovable Lord Hater has so much potential, and Squeaky Peepers is so cute he can't stand it!!!

Relationship status: Sylvia is a platonic life partner. Otherwise, Wander is "single" and would happily marry… well, for one, Lord Hater--that's literally canon, but really Wander would happily marry anyone that's a good match! Even if it's multiple people at once! Woo, marriage party! lol.

Sylvia: Pronouns: she/her Identity: Woman, butch or gnc butch (Note: gnc is gender non-conforming)

Phenotype: female Zbornak anatomy, with hormonally influenced "male" characteristics developed during her bounty hunter days. Examples: extra strength, temper (From a Zbornak headcanon based on chickens: When there are no roosters left, a hen can go through hormonal changes that makes the hen act "like a rooster" within the pecking order. Crowing, more aggressive behavior, mock mates, patrolling, etc. It's all fueled by a naturally programmed hormonal change. I headcanon that zbornaks go through something similar without a group, they physically change to become a leader for a new group: stronger, more abrasive, tougher, etc. Especially so with stressors from living a rough life as a bounty hunter).

Orientation: ???? (idk, but imo she is past her prime anyhow, so it doesn't matter. She is into naps, karaoke, jellyfish pie, and fancy drinks on the beach these days!) She definitely gets a "despite herself" kind of crush: flarpnarffilin' cursing one moment, cutely worrying over the crush/questioning herself the next. Relationship status: Wander is her big squish, her PALtonic soulmate, her platonic life partner in not-crime but love and understanding. She would die for him in an instant. (Wander voice: Please don't.) Otherwise, she's single. She's not actively looking for romance or someone to date, but if it happens, then it happens. Either way, she's content traveling with and protecting Wander.

Lord Hater: Pronouns: he/him Identity: Manchild (In all seriousness, Man) Phenotype: Skeleton lol, but probably from a male space-ape of sorts in a previous life.

Orientation: Canonically likes The Ladies(tm). I head canon he likes THE LADIES(tm) with "(and cute guys)" written in small text below. Therefore, Bi!

Relationship status: Single and malding about it. He wants a girlfriend that he can smooch and marry and have a bunch of kids with, but I doubt he actually wants the reality of that fantasy. Life ain't a fairy tale! Besides, he needs to learn to love himself first. He gets so ridiculously nervous around pretty ladies that his still-awkward-yet-fumbling nature when dealing with cute guys feels like a breath of fresh air in comparison. Still totally weird and scary, but somehow more bearable than the monsoon of butterflies he gets with girls. With girls he likes he can't control himself, he melts and falls apart. With guys he likes, he can at least bluff or say he's joshing before dipping out. A babe's a babe is-a-babe but he'd never admit that out loud (currently) because both Wander AND Peepers fit into "cute guy" territory. He does NOT want to open that can of worms, because if he did he knows he would NEVER hear the end of it! Mr Sunshine BanjoFace over here can't keep a flarping secret, and CPeeps… would probably explode or something. Peepers would be heckin jealous about him liking Wander, he knows that for sure. And the idea of them bickering over him… with their soft voices… vying for Hater's affections… with little smooches and gifts and cozy hugs… because they both think Hater's the cooliest… hmm… okay that does sound pretty nice--WAIT NO! No it doesn't! Not at all! It's not cute not cute not cuuuuute!!!!!! He has to preserve what he has with peepers, their totally-not-friendship is on thin ice as is! And WANDER?!? Eugh!!! NO WAY! What was he thinking?!? Hater: "Besides… who would ever want to date a looser like me." (Again, Hater needs to learn how to love himself before he's ready for a relationship.)

Commander Peepers: Pronouns: He/him Identity: Tall man Phenotype: male

Orientation: Consistently avoids answering personal questions, because regardless of gender, anyone big and strong and scary with electrical powers IS his type. He's hopeless. He's sappy. He's adorable about it and he hates it. He truly is an achillean king… (Lord Hater is Peepers' Achillies' heel)

(Note: The term "Achillean" is like "Sapphic" but for MLM/men-aligned attraction.)

Relationship Status: Technically "single" but he'd happily spend the rest of time itself by Lord Hater's side. Does that mean Peepers sees himself as single? Well, yes, ...maybe. eh? Wait, YES because if someone was his type and asked him out (unlikely) he'd love that. But otherwise, nah, he's in a committed relationship. Friendship. Employment…ship--skullship! What? It's not weird to be single and not single at the same time, unspoken guy-love between two guys is just like that! What's with the face-- OH Who needs labels anyways! What they have is enigmatic! Translation: Peepers' one and only is Lord Hater, in spite of himself. Hater is Peepers' Turk (scrubs soulmates ftw) but it's unrequited. Peepers is beside himself about it. It's not what you think. Or maybe it is. Oh, it definitely is. (>Insert scream cry sob yell repeat.) Peepers is Hater's jilted, stay at home malewife #confirmed, grobspeed you little eyeball man, grobspeed. You deserve the karma.

Lord Dominator: Pronouns: She/her Identity: most hilarious evil woman who is also very sexy and epic (red stamp on forehead reads "chronically alone") Identity: Woman Phenotype: Female Orientation: Canonically lesbian. I head canon her as aromantic. Relationship Status: Single, doesn't want a girlfriend, but is down to clown and dominate.................. planets. with a bamf lady by her side, of course. Aka the embodiment of """Just gals being pals!""" with the HEAVIEST quotation marks humanly possible and also a lot of blood and broken teeth. Dee's motto: Be gay, do crime! It's hilarious!

#woy #wander over yonder #woy headcanons #i WAS going to draw out a little character square for each but im shy about posting art i guess// #at least with text i can add extra details #erm... a lot of extra details i guess lol #no shame we post cringe headcanons and die like men #wander #sylvia the zbornak #sylvia #lord hater #commander peepers #lord dominator #Sylander #but only if you squint really its just platonic soulmate stuff #but for #death glare #yeah thats epicly not just platonic #LOL #its hashtag canon trust me peepers IS the jilted stay at home male wife don't boo me I'm right!!!! #also #ace Wander ftw #friendliest ace in outspace boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii #real talk tho: #for actually confirmed canon: #canon nonbinary wander #and canon lesbian dominator #are super awesome to have im very happy about it #text #long text

[birdwonder]

Sorry, I’m impulsive. Just saw the head cannons for the reader who likes to paint for Josuke and they introduce them to Rohan. Could I please get a scenario for that. I just thought it’d be hilarious, and hopefully Josuke and/or the reader don’t die.

|| oho ! i love it when my previous posts spur more requests, especially when i love requests to no end ! also ur impulse is fantastic ! 

request/fic based off 

https://birdwonder.tumblr.com/post/189601011865/headcanon-the-joestars-on-how-they-would-react-to

JOSUKE HIGASHIKATA | ARTIST

“C’mon, c’mon, babe! You gotta meet him,” your boyfriend, Josuke, urged on, ushering you towards a large and expensive looking house, putting your own home and all your possessions combined to shame in terms of price.

Cringing slightly, you weren’t exactly prepared to meet anyone new, especially under these circumstances. See, Josuke was a supportive boyfriend, and even best friend if you had to gloat, so when he discovered your talent in art, he instantly knew that he wanted to encourage you and show off your skills to world.

Much to your disgruntlement, this meant that he wanted you to meet a ‘friend’ of his, one that he had never mentioned before, which was bizarre seeing as Josuke was an open book and spoke a lot about his times with Okuyasu, Koichi and even Jotaro. You had to wonder why this friend of his was never mentioned before... Perhaps a conversation just never led up to it?

“Josuke, I love you but I don’t think this is necessary,” you calmly told him, soft eyes glancing at him as he momentarily stuttered over your small declaration and reminder of love. For the sake of his ego and ‘cool guy’ persona, he played it off by coughing and ran a hand over his pompadour, chuckling.

“Love you too baby, but you gotta trust me. This would make me super happy.” Josuke then wrapped an arm around your shoulders, pulling you close to his side as he gave you a cute and desperate look, faking a pout alongside it, “don’t you want to see me happy?”

You frowned at that. Of course you did! It was just that you had never met this person before, and here you were with your sketchbook involuntarily in Josuke’s free hand, about to show off your art that you were so self conscious about despite receiving many compliments for it.

The taller male rested his cheek on the top of your head momentarily. “Plus, if you do this for me, I’ll buy you your favourite snack from the store!” Ah, that drove the bargain in. 

You gave a nod that meant ‘deal’ and Josuke gave one back, removing both his arm and cheek from being in contact from you so that he could approach the door of the grand house and knock on it three times.

Gulping, you hadn’t expected the door to open so soon to reveal a fairly tall and slim figure, one that had a curious headband on and noticeable green hair brushed to the side. His gaze on you was hard and emotionless, probably because you were a total stranger, yet once he caught glimpse of Josuke, he started to look annoyed.

“What do you want?” The man questioned, opening his door from being somewhat ajar to widening it completely so that he was fully revealed. What an odd fashion sense...

Josuke, with a much brighter grin than you usually saw him wear, waved a hand before placing it on your shoulder, greeting the stranger with so much fever you could have been fooled the two of them were closer than brothers, if not for the man’s strangely angry aura, “Rohan sensei! We were just in the neighbourhood and I was thinking that it was about time you met my girlfriend, [F/N]!”

Rohan, at least you assume that was his name, suddenly raised his brows in surprise and sharply turned to look down at you, giving you a once over examine before smiling in peculiar, mischievous way. “I see, well a pleasure to meet you, Miss [F/N], what a shame it took us so long to be introduced.”

“Oh, hello to you too Mr Rohan! It’s nice to meet you too,” you responded in a structured manner, not knowing what to say outside of basic niceties. 

Luckily, Josuke saved you in the most painful way by flipping open your sketchbook, a smug look on his face. “She’s an artist like you, y’know? But her art is ten times better, I mean can you do this?” He boasted on your behalf, causing you to gasp with embarrassment.

“Josuke, you can’t just say that-!”

The older artist raised a brow at your work. Bending down, he analysed the page with a hand on his chin and even lifted it the inspect another one or too. You could only cover your face to hide yourself from the shame as he did so, afraid of any insults that may come your way.

“See, aren’t they the best? Like a real pro-” Josuke was then cut off by Rohan straightening himself again and talking over the teen, looking down at you with a much softer smile than he had ever seen. 

“Yes, they are fantastic indeed!” The praise had you peeking from in-between your fingers and up at the green haired male, who took both of your hands into his own, catching you off guard. “If I wasn’t an independent artist, I would have you work for me as an editor or something of the sort. We could spend hours together over our passions!” 

This made Josuke splutter and reel back, the sketch book he once gripped with care now almost slipping out of his grasp. Just what the hell was happening? Was Rohan Kishibe actually being nice, to his girlfriend of all people?

What made things worse was that your naïvity made it so you didn’t notice the advancements that your boyfriend saw as flirting, so you only giggled and smiled politely with gratefulness within you.

“You’re so sweet Rohan, sir! I would love to see your art at some point,” you beamed, “if that’s alright with you.”

In reply, Rohan continued to give you a warm smile and brought your hands closer to his chest, making you take a step forward towards him; Josuke almost choking at the sight, a wonder that he wasn’t only seeing red. “Of course, cher. Why don’t you come by one day and we can show each other our works properly, one on one?”

The usually out going and laidback stand user was going crazy. You might not have been able to see it, but Rohan every now and then would side glance towards him with such a malevolent glint in his eyes and a cocky upturn of the mouth that he wanted to use Crazy Diamond to send him the damn moon. Or the hospital. 

The man was even using some weird french words! Since when was such an anti-social guy so smooth? Josuke was even starting to think that his usual terms of endearment for you were paling in comparison. Did you even like being called ‘baby’ or ‘his girl?’ It was probably way too cheesy and not at all sophisticated for a great gal like you...

‘Damn it, you know that isn’t true! She loves those names, or else she wouldn’t get so worked up over them!’ Josuke yelled at himself mentally, shaking his head side to side furiously before slapping his cheeks with the palm of his hands, trying to clear his mind. Luckily, though also sadly, his silent motivation went unnoticed by the chattering artists.

“This was lovely, Rohan sensei, but I think it’d be best if Josuke and I left now, we’ve already taken so much of your time.” Your statement made your boyfriend quickly shake his head in agreement, so fast that a few strands of hair probably came loose from his excessively combed pompadour. 

The manga artist continued to glance over at his mortal enemy, as he proclaimed dramatically in his head, with a horribly amused look and spoke to you with a sickening sweet tone, “oh it’s no matter, it led me to meet such a lovely young lady. Please, visit again some time, dear.”

Your hands were still gently held in his and they were slowly being raised to his lips, Rohan’s head bobbing down to plant a kiss upon your knuckles. You were none the wiser to the gesture you were about to receive, however time seemed to move in a painfully slow way for Josuke. Oh heeeell no.

Before Rohan’s lips could even brush your hands, the said man was shoved to the side harshly by Josuke nudging him away in a seemingly casual manner, your sketchbook suddenly handed to you so that you could be picked dup bridal style. 

“[F/N] is right, we’ve overstayed our welcome! Thanks Rohan sensei, you were  a real one,” Josuke loudly proclaimed, sending a glare to the fallen man who was rubbing his back and returning the salty expression back, “if you don’t mind, we’re going to go on a date now, so hope you don’t feel too lonely over here.”

While you were covering your face with your sketchbook, due to the embarrassment of being held like a newly wed wife in public, the two men continued to give each other menacing looks that had clear messages such as, ‘don’t mess with me’ or ‘she’s mine, back off.’

“Don’t mention it...” Rohan sourly mumbled, Josuke now walking away from the porch and the house.

Josuke, still brimming with some anger, bit the inside of his cheek to help calm himself down, which was a challenge not even a stand could help him. The hell was Rohan’s problem? He knew that guy was too sketchy for his own good, pun not intended.

“Sweetie,” you piped up from his arms, sketchbook now hugged to your chest and doe-like eyes looking up, “if you were jealous, you know that nothing like me and Rohan would ever happen, right?”

Your assurance was surprising. Had you noticed your senior’s ploy to infuriate Josuke all along? You clever thing. With your words and gentle gaze, the anger he felt was quickly sweeping away with the sigh he blew out. 

“I love you Josuke, and only you!” 

Aaah, you were too cute! The sudden declaration made his eyes widen slightly, seeing as you were both in public and affectionate things seemed to be too bold for you in front of others, granted though the streets were moderately empty. 

“Heh, I love you too babe, sorry about all of that,” he apologised, dipping down slightly to place a peck on your head head. It seemed that was a little too much still, so you pushed his head away with a squeak, making him chuckle.

“Ok, ok! Now put me down, this is too much.” As per your request, you were set down carefully, thankful that you weren’t in such a helpless position anymore. That didn’t stop Josuke from wrapping his arm around your shoulders  though. 

With you pulled close to his side, Josuke was calm once more and he could easily tell Rohan to ‘suck it’ as he knew that no matter what, you’d be his girl and only his, and that he’d spoil and praise you to no end because that’s what you deserved. 

The two of you exchanged a smile, laughing between yourselves at nothing. “You know, I think you mentioned a date back there. I know it was just a excuse but if you want maybe we could...” You trailed off, hoping that your boyfriend would take the obvious hint.

Of course, he did, and he had no hesitation in fulfilling your wish.

“Say no more, how does ice cream and cake sound?”

“Just perfect,” you confirmed, sketchbook in one hand and Josuke’s now in another. 

#josuke higashikata #josuke x reader #rohan kishibe #jjba x reader #jjba #jojo's bizarre adventure #x reader #request