#okay and I’m just ranting about work rn because there’s plenty of other stuff I’m too tired to talk about but this part is making me so. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

caden · 4 years

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Honestly thank you for saying that. I also don't hate Travis but can't stand the way he goes about proving his "wokeness" he's obviously good natured but his approach is just so off and it's awkward when listening to the other brothers try to swerve around it, being more self aware than he is. I can't listen to the new Adventure Zone arc because her went out of his way to create a disable character and then be like "are you gonna ask me about my wheelchair" it's just too fucking much dude.

This is a super long rant-y response that doesn’t really say much of consequence, but...

yeah i have not enjoyed his arc so far sadly. I’m still going ahead with it for the time being, it’s worth listening to but honestly TAZ hasn’t gripped me all that much since balance. I feel like one of their issues is that balance really really tactically built up to its big emotional dramatic moments, everything felt really natural and just flowed so well-- whereas with these other arcs, I feel like they just jump the gun and try to constantly have dramatic stuff happening without ***earning*** it. The nature of most roleplaying games is just that they’re long form, and IMO the most important element of nailing a podcast like TAZ is making sure that the downtime is really enjoyable-- that means having really charismatic side characters, engaging and open-ended worldbuilding that allows for lots of different situations, and PCs that have clear and interesting motivations. Travis just isn’t a good enough DM to pull that all off. He’s decent at roleplaying IMO, but his personality / skills are just better suited to being a player. He clearly isn’t as good a storyteller as griffin, and even griffin’s storytelling has been strained from time to time.

I honestly really really really wish that they would play a more Critical Role / MCDM style DnD game, where the worldbuilding took front-stage over the characters, and where it was assumed that the main players would cycle through MULTIPLE characters because their characters could actually die if it was dramatic-- or even just if the players fucked up in combat. I’d love to feel like they were in a setting that allowed them to have guest players on, where the world has internal consistency (unlike the live shows which are always fun but clearly not sustainable for a long-form story), and where the whole thing isn’t all built along railroading players down an ultra long-form epic story in the vein of Balance. Like one thing that’s great about DnD for me is that if you don’t currently feel like you’re gelling with the character you’re playing, you can just make a new character! If the quest you’re on isn’t incredibly engaging, you can tell the DM that you want to explore something in your character’s past or independently pursue some other motivation instead. I really wish they would experiment with a more freeform, noncommittal story, where they could lean into their improvisation skills (which is what they’re very good at) over their storytelling skills (where they're sort of lacking).

I also feel like-- and this is just an unintended byproduct of the general vibe that they’re going for-- one big problem that I notice with their storytelling is that all of their characters are just like... too good. I feel like they’re so committed to being wholesome and non-stressful that everything about their worlds just has no edge at all. I’m not saying that I want TAZ to be game of thrones, obviously that would suck-- but so much of the conflict in their worlds feels awkward or forced because they don’t create their characters to be as flawed as I think they should. Justin usually being the exception. I think this is reaaaalllllly coming to the forefront in the new arc, Travis just isn’t capable of putting the kind of tension into his stories that Griffin was because he’s too committed to making his world crunchy and chill and, dare I say, woke. But I think the wheelchair thing is coming from a different sort of bad storytelling-- writers put a diverse character into their story and then feel so immediately proud of themselves that they forget to actually make the character interesting or memorable beyond that, inadvertently tokenizing the characters.

Griffin also did something really smart when he was DMing, which was that he intentionally never told us anyone’s race. He explicitly said that it being an audio medium allowed the listener the freedom to imagine whatever race they want, as well as imagine trans-ness, disability, etc. Which, even though it might sound kind of like a cop-out, is IMO the best way to handle it. If they play characters outside of their race, people will be mad. If they don’t have enough diversity, people will be mad. If they have explicit diversity but portray something insensitively, people will be mad. I personally think that griffin would have been smart enough to do these things sensitively, but he’s always erred on the side of caution. The only exception in balance was them explicitly stating that Lup was a trans woman, which was also handled very well IMO. Travis just isn’t taking that level of subtlety to his DMing because he isn’t as perceptive about these things as Griffin is. He’s stating all this stuff explicitly because he wants people to know that his world is diverse. Which is cool, but it comes with the baggage of actually having to execute that diversity with some level of insight. In this case, I honestly think the players should be more comfortable going ahead and making characters that are explicitly NOT cis white (or white-coded) men. They made the move after balance to start playing women, which was good. The alternative is just constantly having protagonists that, even in fantasy/sci-fi settings, are cis-coded, white-coded, or male-coded.

All in all, the big issue for me rn with the Mcelroys is that i have much more of a sense now that they’re the types of creators who are entirely just trying to please their fanbase. This is really visible in the style of comedy that they’re doing these days as well. They aren’t trying new things, they’re just finding what’s comfortable, what fans clap for in live shows, and doing more of that. I remember once in a live show they said “okay guys, we’re making a change. we’re no longer gonna allow you guys to ask questions that are just you bragging about a cool thing you did”. That was one of the best decisions they made from a content perspective, lol. Their most interesting work of the last three years has been the Trolls 2 podcast, because it’s stylistically VERY different from their normal stuff, and because NOBODY was asking for it. And as a result, it was able to be a novel, funny concept. I feel like in the age of streamers, youtubers, creators who are basing their brand off of PERSONALITY over CONTENT, we’re gonna be getting more and more of this kind of art. As creators, the Mcelroys aren’t trying to do something new, to create exciting thought-provoking funny content. They’re just repeating the things that have found them the most success. They take the desires of the fans a bit too seriously, which keeps them from going in new directions, because fans can’t validate things that don’t exist yet. The fans shouldn’t be the ones who create new trends or decide the tone of the content. That should be entirely in the hands of the creators. You can sorta tell that at times Griffin and Justin are unhappy about it. I think this was at its worst about a year or so ago, and they’ve realized it and started to work on course-correction. They stopped doing TAZ live shows with the balance characters, which was a good choice. I DON’T think that the issue is that they ran out of ideas, it’s just that they’re overdue for a creative renaissance. I would love it if instead of just doing more TAZ and mbmbam, they continued to do a bunch of small unusual projects in the vein of Trolls 2, the old Monster Factory videos, the new non-DnD TAZ live shows, etc. I’m also enjoying The Besties (I listened to it before it got canned and was excited when it came back), because I feel like Griffin and Justin act more like normal humans on that show and less like Mcelroy brothers.

WITH ALL THAT SAID, their content is still often very fun, and I think it’s really good that they exist as successful creators. They’re a net positive force in the world, the small attempts people have made to cancel them for dumb shit will always be petty and stupid. They’ve more than earned a spot in the podcasting hall of fame, I don’t think they’re just has-beens, and I will continue to listen to plenty of their stuff for the conceivable future even if it’s not always exactly what I want from them.

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cravingcrazewriting · 4 years

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Doubts {Treebros}

A/N- This is for the DEH gift exchange! @sincerely-us They're @unoriginalurl77, and one of their prompts was Evan has a bad day, cue hurt/comfort. Trigger Warning- mentions of cutting

The second Evan can't get out of bed, he knows it'll be a bad day.

He couldn't feel anything. Whatever emotion resigned from the day before had completely left, leaving him feeling numb. Well, emotionally numb. It felt like there was a giant weight of expectations and wants everyone expected from him but he just couldn't.

He couldn't even get out of bed.

"Evan? Aren't you going to get ready?" Heidi knew Evan usually got up early so he had plenty of time to eat and get ready to go. She was a bit worried, but she tried to have a little fun with him, for both their sakes.

"I— I can't," Evan choked out, bunching his blankets up and shutting his eyes tight.

"You can't?" Heidi asked slowly, almost to herself. "Is it one of those days?"

He was freaking her out, making her worry, just like always. She'd have to call in and waste her time. She could be resting but no, no Evan had to have issues, like usual. He had to keep bearing her down, keep being a burden, keep being worthless.

"I'll take that as a yes," oh, he hadn't said anything. Faintly, he registered her sigh and run her fingers through his hair. The familiar touch was grounding and nice. "I'll call in for you, okay?"

Evan could only nod as she pulled out her phone and called the school. He didn't catch everything she said, just that he wasn't going to school. Everything else was faded and a blur. It didn't feel real. Nothing felt real.

After Heidi left, Evan fell asleep for an hour. When he woke again, he saw some eggs sitting on his nightstand, and was reminded of the fact he hadn't eaten anything, from the emptiness of his stomach. He willed himself to slowly sit up from the confines of his blankets, and carefully took the plate onto his lap so he wouldn't spill it (even if he did, he didn't think he was in the right mental state to clean it up).

Heidi always made pretty much everything great, which was a shame she wasn't home as much, but it was a treat when she cooked for Evan. Part of his mind scolded him for making her use probably the last of the eggs when she could've given him pop tarts or something. Evan sucked in a breath and closed his eyes tight, trying to will away those thoughts. He fisted his blankets as he tried to stay calm and not spiral. They didn't use eggs much, anyways. There wasn't a lot of harm done, and they could go a week or two without them.

Once he managed to relax, he set the plate back on his nightstand to put away later and grabbed his phone, and well. He wasn't expecting a barrage of messages.

Con: hey were r u?

Con: r u ok? I'm hella worried

Con: should I get ur math??

Con: fuck it

Con: I'm getting ur math

Con: r u sick? I kinda just wanna skip and come see u

Con: evvvvv please answeeerrrr

Evan shook his head, finding those messages from his boyfriend just a bit endearing. Briefly, he knew it was around third hour and that class was still in session, but he couldn't ignore him, because would Connor get the wrong idea? Would he be bothered by what he'd say? He'd hurt him if he ignored the message because it'd seem like Evan didn't care enough to reply, which was not the case, he did care, almost too much, and then Connor would break up with him, his mom would see how heartbroken he was, get even more worried, and he'd end up being one of those guys that couldn't leave his house due to an overbearing family member.

It was extremely unlikely, but Evan's mind was all over the place that day. Deep down, he knew it was unlikely, but some parts were far too probable.

Evan: Just taking a mental health day. I'm okay.

Evan: You can come after school?? If you're not busy??

Evan: I just don't want to make you skip.

After an agonizing few minutes, he got a response.

Con: hell yeah i'm coming over. Gotta be crazy not to.

Ironically enough, that was enough to make Evan smile a little.

Con: and ur not a burden. Don't care how many times I have to say it, cuz I always will.

Con: I love u, Ev.

Con: <33333

Evan: I love you too, Connor. So fucking much <333

Evan tried to use Connor's words to motivate himself. He was loved, he was loved, he was loved, he stubbornly kept telling himself as he moved to sit on the side of the bed, and elevated himself upwards, stumbling only once to regain his footing. He took the plate and let out a breath.

'Small steps,' he thought to himself. 'Small steps. Take it at one, small step at a time.'

It wasn't anything big, but he made his way to the kitchen, washed his plate with a few others, and put it in the dishwasher for a more thorough rinsing later on (when it was full, at least). Afterwards, he walked out onto his backyard porch, in need of some fresh air.

Evan let out a small breath, leaning against the wooden railing as he gazed at the trees that stretched outwards beyond him. Normally, he would've been freezing, as he was only wearing grey shorts and a long sleeved blue t shirt, but in that moment, it didn't bother him. The only thing he could register was his own thoughts that made him spiral further and further downwards.

'He was completely worthless. It took him hours to get out of bed when it's supposed to come naturally. He can't talk to people, he can't do anything worthwhile. So many people have it worse than he does. He's just a burden on his mom and Connor. He's a burden on Alana, Zoe, and Jared. They don't care. Nobody does. It's all just an act, a sham. Why would they care?'

Evan spent almost an hour outside, crying softly as he held onto his arms. The bitter air was only warming up slowly and slowly, but it wasn't enough for his body. Deep down, he knew he had to go back inside. He assumed he was pretty much guaranteed to get a cold at this rate, but he didn't want anything worse.

Warmth cascaded all through Evan as he re-entered the empty house. His body felt like it was ignited as he got uncomfortably warm. He rubbed at his arms as he went to the bathroom to try and cool down.

He shed his clothes quickly and stepped into the shower, flinching at how cold it was. He didn't have the willpower to change it, though, because really, that was why he went in. To cool off, that was all.

Evan caught a glimpse of his hips and legs. They were barraged with various scars, some short and ending roughly while others were long and carefully planned out. He began to shake slightly, willing his eyes away as he curled his hands into fists. Despite trying to shake away the self deprecating thoughts that clouded his mind, he began to cry. He felt ashamed of those scars, and he wanted to heal so badly. While granted, none were very recent, there had been some lapses he wasn't proud of.

He spent a half an hour inside the shower, occasionally letting a couple of tears drop from his eyes, and once he's out, he feels awful about the time he took, and that the water bill would probably go up because of him.

Evan didn't feel like changing his outfit drastically, as he slipped on some sweatpants to forget about what caused his (second) breakdown in the first place. After he grabbed his phone and a blanket, he curled up onto the couch with said blanket and began watching whatever was on television. He didn't move from his spot, despite knowing he needed to eat lunch, but couldn't find the motivation to.

Con: hey Ev, I just got out and I'm coming to see u rn :3

Evan: You can just come in when you get here. Just ring the doorbell for a forewarning

Con: got it. Omw

About ten minutes after their short conversation, the doorbell rang, and a moment after, Connor stepped inside.

"Hey Ev. Doing okay?" His expression had worry printed all over.

When Evan attempted to reply, he realized he hadn't uttered a single word all day. So, he cleared his throat and said, "Kinda."

"Your eyes are red," one thing Connor was trying to work on was not jumping to conclusions, but he still slipped up more than he cared to admit.

Evan couldn't deny a statement like that. So, he just shrugged his shoulders.

"Can I— is it okay if I touch you?" Connor took a seat beside him, keeping a little distance.

Evan, who didn't feel like using his voice, just nodded.

Connor scooted closer to him, and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "You wanna talk about it?"

Deep down, he sort of wanted to, but at the same time, he couldn't because it was too much. "Um— later?"

"Okay," he whispered, giving his shoulder a little rub. "What'd you need right now?"

"A distraction, p-please?" Evan was shaking slightly, and leaning into his touch.

Connor seemed happy to oblige, as he began talking about stuff that happened at school. Heidi had apparently told his mom that Evan wouldn't be there, but he didn't learn this till fifth hour from Jared, after they'd already established that. He talked about how Alana apparently didn't take mental health days, but that she hoped he'd feel better. Apparently Zoe had been worried at first too, because she informed Connor of a small routine they had. When they were passing from first hour to second hour, they'd cross paths and wave. Connor surprisingly found it nice as they had their own thing.

He then launched into rant about the math teacher, how she didn't know what she was doing, and how easily she gave up on kids. Apparently she told Connor he just wasn't going anywhere in life (that was absolutely not true at all, she said that to other students), and he had to resist the urge to just scream at her with how wrong she was, because that'd just prove her point.

When he was done talking, Evan cleared his throat, "Er, I'm ready, now."

"Okay," Connor moved his arm from his shoulders to grab his hand. He was waiting for Evan to start.

He took a deep, slightly unsteady breath, and began, saying, "This morning I couldn't get out of bed. I just... c-couldn't face the world as the disappointment I am. I couldn't— I couldn't force myself up, everything was just— t-too much."

Evan spared a glance at Connor, who looked upset at this new information, but didn't say anything. He made a gesture for him to continue.

"I managed to fall back asleep. When I woke up uhm, mom l-left some eggs for me and you texted me. So I did all that.. s-stuff and went outside. It just... hit me, that I'm b-burdening everyone, that all of you would be better off without me," Evan feebly rubbed at his eyes. He didn't want to start crying for a third time that day.

He felt Connor's grip on his hand tighten. "Evan, no... that's not true at all. It's okay to need a break, or to break down, because I know you'll get back up. That's what you always do, and that's what makes you so strong. If you... were gone now, I'd be heartbroken. I wouldn't know what to do with myself, but mostly, I'd wonder how I could've helped.."

Evan sniffled, and rubbed his nose.

"You're my light at the end of the tunnel. You help me find my way and keep me going. If I lost you, I’d be lost,” he smiled sadly. “I love you, Evan, and I’ll try to be the same for you.”

He was crying again, but this time, it was happy tears. He pulled Connor into a hug and whispered, “Thank you, Connor. I love you, too.”

And as he felt Connor’s arms wrap around him, he finally felt okay.

#treebros #connor #connor murphy #evan #evan hansen

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mvndrvke-archive · 5 years

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bless you honestly????

trigger warnings : homophobia / anxiety / death / references to ww2

scene : nico and jason vs cupid ( h.ouse of hades, can’t remember what chapter but it’s jason’s pov so if that helps, cool.

if you want a shortened version of this rant, there’s a lot about it in my post about where i divert from canon with nico, which you can read here.

i’m gonna put this under a read more since i got A LOT to say on it.

send me a topic to write a meta about my muse on // accepting! // @greektides

alright. so. the scene where nico and jason fight cupid is a pivotal and necessary part of house of hades-- they need the sceptre to save their friends, blah blah blah, we all know what the deal is. this chapter gives me a LOT of stuff to work with when it comes to things like nico’s powers, his anxieties, his feelings for percy, etc. bUT. as an arc for nico, it’s so fucked up. yes, i will concede that nico is not the type of person to just talk openly about his feelings, especially when it comes to percy. BUT i think this chapter deserves a lot of criticism for various aspects, so buckle up kiddos because we’re about to tear this thing apart.

i shall be rating these with brownie points. as nico is rick’s character ( technically, he’s mine now and you can’t tell me otherwise ), i shall give rick ten (10) brownie points to start with.

BROWNIE COUNT : 10 brownies

THINGS THAT I TOOK FROM THIS CHAPTER THAT SUPPORT WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT NICO BEFORE THIS SCENE

there’s a lot that we can take away from this. like, a lot. which is great, and most of those parts don’t actually have anything to do with the fucked up way that nico is forced to come out, but his emotions and the way he reacts to being forced into a corner. nico is not a character that gets stuck in situations where he’s powerless ( though i will concede that he has been captured more than once. but no one asked him in those situations to reveal incredibly private details about his life in order to get out of said trouble )-- he’s an incredibly powerful demigod that i would say surpasses the more major demigods like jason and percy in a lot of ways when it comes to the strength of his powers and his ability to wield them.

but that’s a whole other thing. my point here being that we’ve seen nico lash out when he gets stuck. and really, that holds true in this chapter. he really keeps his chin up for most of the chapter, and his Attitude remains-- aka his determination to never show fear or let himself be put in a position where he has to listen when someone tells him to shut up ( great examples of this-- nico’s first scene in titan’s curse where he yells at a fuckin MANTICORE who’s being mean to bianca, also the scene in i THINK the last olympian when-- imma quote this-- percy says “The lord of the dead paced up and down, holding his ears while Nico followed him, waving his arms.” which honestly, iconic ). a few parts in this chapter ( well, lines ) where i’d like to highlight this are the following--

‘I don’t serve anyone,’ Nico muttered. ‘Especially not Cupid.’

[ ... ]

Next to him, a wall collapsed. Jason barely managed to roll aside.

‘Stop it!’ Nico yelled. ‘It’s me you want. Leave him alone!’

[ ... ]

‘I’ve been to Tartarus and back,’ Nico snarled. ‘You don’t scare me.’

he defends his friends, he pushes back, he doesn’t let himself be defeated even though he has to admit he was in love with percy. and for that, rick may have two (2) brownie points.

BROWNIE COUNT : 12 brownies

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:·ﾟ✧ nice job so far! *:·ﾟ✧

the next thing that i think this chapter supports is that nico is incredibly strong. his powers are honestly unlike any others we see in the series-- he’s able to hold his own against a LOT. specifically in this chapter, i admired his ability to take a moment of high stress and utilize his powers in a productive ( but ultimately unsuccessful ) way. here we go--

“Nico,” [ Jason ] called, “what does this guy want from you?” ‘Tell him, Nico di Angelo,’ Cupid said. ‘Tell him the real reason you ran from Camp Half-Blood, and why you are always alone.’ Nico let loose a guttural scream. The ground at his feet split open and skeletons crawled forth– dead Romans with missing hands and caved-in skulls, cracked ribs, and jaws unhinged [ … ] [ ... ] Meanwhile, Nico’s Roman skeletons surged forward and grappled with something invisible. The god struggled, flinging the dead aside, breaking off ribs and skulls, but the skeletons kept coming, pinning the god’s arms.

nico summons a bunch of skeleton soldiers and battles a god with them, he cracks open the earth, etc. and STILL has the strength and power to shadow travel with jason out of there once they get the sceptre. he’s fuckin STRONG. i appreciate this part because it shows how powerful nico is, and ( i love jason i don’t want anyone to think that i don’t love and respect jason as a character ) kinda how he’s more powerful than jason in some respects, though it’s hard to compare their powers. but watch me do it anyway!

The skeletons had Cupid pinned now, but the invisible god laughed so cruelly that Jason wanted to summon another bolt of lightning. Unfortunately, he doubted he had the strength.

for remembering that nico is incredibly powerful in this scene, i shall give rick one (1) brownie point.

BROWNIE COUNT : 13 brownies

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:·ﾟ✧ you haven’t fucked it up yet! *:·ﾟ✧

nico being reluctant to share personal information / feelings / etc. so important. like that’s most of this chapter is his unwillingness to share his own thoughts and emotions ( emotions i’ll go more in depth with later ). but we see nico here when he’s trying to still keep his feelings for percy private, he goes so far to try and keep that to himself. we also need to consider how angry/upset nico gets when cupid tries to out him. he’s PISSED. he’s SCARY. he lashes out with his powers, which is a common theme for nico throughout the books, but when he’s defending himself, he goes into attack mode. this line is super important--

Waves of darkness rolled off the son of Hades. When they hit Jason, he almost lost consciousness – overwhelmed by hatred and fear and shame …

nico is upset, and he projects. it’s kinda unclear whether or not the flashes of memories that jason sees are because nico snapped or because cupid made him see them, but either way, nico guards his personal feelings and emotions so intensely that jason nearly passes the fuck out from it. for remembering that nico isn’t one to share details about himself, even to people he’s close to, i shall give rick half (0.5) a brownie point.

BROWNIE COUNT : 13.5 brownies

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:·ﾟ✧ you’re doing great so far! *:·ﾟ✧

nico is aware of his own importance. he knows that he’s the one cupid is after, even before jason does. he understands EXACTLY what cupid wants in return for the sceptre. i don’t have much to say about this, but for acknowledging that nico’s confidence in his own importance is a key part of his personality, i shall give rick one (1) brownie point.

BROWNIE COUNT : 14.5 brownies

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:·ﾟ✧ this is so fucking upsetting! *:·ﾟ✧

nico isolates himself like crazy. he has since titan’s curse when he ran away, and has consistently continued doing so until the glossed over switch from loner to “i got a doctor’s note so i can be social” which i’ve got a lot of thoughts on too but don’t have the time rn. he deflects, he gets hostile, he lashes out, he isolates himself. and he fully acknowledges all of those things in this chapter. here we go--

‘Stop hiding,’ Cupid said [ … ] ‘You do not have the strength.’ “Nico,” Jason managed to say, “it’s okay. I get it.” Nico glanced over, pain and misery washing across his face. “No, you don’t,” he said. “There’s no way you can understand.” ‘And so you run away again,’ Cupid chihded. ‘From your friends, from yourself.’ “I don’t have friends!” Nico yelled. “I left Camp Half-Blood because I didn’t belong! I’ll never belong!”

i’ll allow this. it’s really important to who nico is, and honestly without this, he wouldn’t be the nico di angelo we see today. for having nico fight so strongly over this for as long as he does, i shall give rick one (1) brownie point.

BROWNIE COUNT : 15.5 brownies

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:·ﾟ✧ time for a shitty history lesson! *:·ﾟ✧

to rick’s credit i guess, he does acknowledge that nico was born and raised in italy for most of his life. he kinda gives that a little more information in this chapter by emphasizing that part of nico’s issue with coming out is because of the era he was raised in.

“I don’t feel that way anymore,” Nico muttered. “I mean, I gave up on Percy. I was young and impressionable, and I– I don’t…” His voice cracked, and Jason could tell the guy was about to get teary-eyed. Whether Nico had really given up on Percy or not, Jason couldn’t imagine what it had been like for Nico all those years, keeping a secret that would’ve been unthinkable to share in the 1940s, denying who he was, feeling completely alone– even more isolated than other demigods.

nico grew up in the 30s/40s in pre-WW2 italy. read more about this here. rick does address nico’s shame about actually liking percy here--

All the fight and denial seemed to go out of Nico at once. The darkness subsided. The Roman dead collapsed into bones and crumbled to dust. “I hated myself,” Nico said. “I hated Percy Jackson.”

nico’s got plenty of reason to dislike percy, and this KINDA makes sense to me. do i think the two are connected, nico’s self loathing and his hatred of percy? not really. but the fact that rick actually acknowledges that part of nico’s reluctance to share personal information about his sexuality is due to how he was raised is something that shall earn rick half (0.5) a brownie point.

BROWNIE COUNT : 16 brownies

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:·ﾟ✧ time to get angry about shit! *:·ﾟ✧

POINTS WHERE I DRAW SOME FUCKIN ISSUE WITH THINGS SAID

right off the bat, i feel like i need to say that overall, i have incredibly mixed feelings this chapter. i value the information about nico we get and the glimpse into his mentality, his powers, and his feelings in general. BUT it’s fucked up. i think we can all agree on that nico gets outed in an incredibly painful and cruel way as part of a game. were there better ways to do this? yes. give nico some fucking development when it comes to him being open about his life instead of outing him for funsies.

i talk about this A LOT, but it’s wildly unfair of rick to put the motivations for nico’s actions when it comes to percy on nico’s love for him in the way he goes about it. nico’s in love with percy, i will happily accept that. it makes sense and yea, it explains a lot of his actions. BUT i HATE the idea that nico acted out of his desire to win percy over, which is something rick has nico state in canon. fuck that. no. let’s cut this into ribbons and wrap this puppy up--

[ … ] Nico’s voice was like broken glass. “I–I wasn’t in love with Annabeth.” “You were jealous of her,” Jason said. “That’s why you didn’t want to be around her. Especially why you didn’t want to be around… him. It makes total sense.”

fuck everything about this, thanks. i will concede that he is jealous and even a little resentful of percy’s relationship with annabeth, and he and annabeth are never best buddies. he’s not close to her. but he runs around constantly saving percy’s ass. he’s not avoiding him. everyone would be dead like twenty times over if it wasn’t for nico intervening. he’s not running around trying to get rid of annabeth so he can win percy. that’s not who he is, and he’s not avoiding percy either. he’s not his best pal hanging around with him all the time, he does run from his feelings, but making it sound like nico’s sole reason for not hanging around with the main squad is because of his feelings for percy is kinda bullshit. it ignores everything else about nico’s reasons for isolating himself.

if anything, i’d argue that nico’s feelings towards percy are what motivate him to put his life on the line for him so many times. it’s what keeps him going back-- he wants percy to be safe, and while he’s not annabeth’s #1 fan, she makes percy happy, so he’s not going to step on that because of his own feelings.

so no, i disagree that nico isolates himself because of his feelings for percy. because if that’s the case, why the hell does he keep helping them out?

because of this, i shall be taking away three (3) brownie points.

BROWNIE COUNT : 13 brownies

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:·ﾟ✧ time to get angry about shit! *:·ﾟ✧

this bullshit--

He watched Nico with satisfaction, as if he’d identified the exact spot for his next arrow to make a clean kill.

‘I had a crush on Percy,’ Nico spat. ‘That’s the truth. That’s the big secret.’ He glared at Cupid. ‘Happy now?’

For the first time, Cupid’s gaze seemed sympathetic. ‘Oh, I wouldn’t say Love always makes you happy.’ His voice sounded smaller, much more human. ‘Sometimes it makes you incredibly sad. But at least you’ve faced it now. That’s the only way to conquer me.’

Cupid dissolved into the wind.

okay yea, let’s just out a kid and act like somehow that solves nico’s problems. he’s pissed that jason tells him the others will support him, and then just kinda accepts it on his own i guess???? there’s chapters from nico’s pov. if you’re gonna do this reveal and you’re going to make a huge deal out of it like this chapter does, at least put some time and consideration into nico’s mentality going forward. it’s unfair and like a lot, it just gets glossed over like it’s nothing once the scene is over, other than a few more references to it and the magical appearance of will solace in toa ( i will say now that i truly love and appreciate will and nico’s relationship, and i’m glad he’s got a successful relationship in the series, even if i really hated that book ). for one of the characters that actually has chapters from his pov ( especially in blood of olympus ), nico gets very little consideration when it comes to all the shit he’s gone through and had to do. getting outed is really shitty and messes with your head, and i think in nico’s case it would make him shut down and not want to tell anyone else. there was ample opportunity for this reveal to happen in other ways, or at least address it since it did, and he didn’t.

because of how little rick seems to give a shit about this affecting nico and like. his lack of addressing it later except having nico abruptly come out to percy ( not a huge fan of the way that scene went either but i don’t have time for that either ), i shall be taking away five (5) brownie points.

BROWNIE COUNT : 8 brownies

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:·ﾟ✧ but it’s not all garbage! *:·ﾟ✧

WHAT I TAKE FROM THIS SCENE IN MY INTERPRETATION OF NICO

nico has anxiety. and a lot of it! i do appreciate in this chapter that we get to see some of that, like his ability to kill plants with the pure power of anxiety. i use this a lot in my interpretation of nico, as anxiety is a big part of who he is and how he behaves and how others behave in regards to him. we see that nico’s negative feelings can be projected onto other people ( in this chapter, that’s jason ), and in my version of nico, that’s a big reason why he hates being around others, actually, because he’s anxious about them disliking him, which projects his anxiety, which makes them anxious around him, and it all just cycles and builds until he has to leave.

nico actually has a goddamn backstory. again, there’s a bit of a callback to his childhood in italy/him growing up in the 30s/40s. this is super important to nico’s growth and later behavior, so i appreciate us getting something i can use from there in terms of how this impacted the rest of nico’s life and behavior.

nico is reluctant to come out to others. obviously ( or not so obviously, rick pls focus on the consequences of your characters and their actions ) this experience is traumatic for nico, and combined with his already pre-established fears, nico does NOT want to come out. and he doesn’t. before he gets together with will, nico has come out to : jason, percy, annabeth, hazel, and reyna. he’s also technically out to hades i guess. he never gets to/had come out to maria and bianca. go read why. he’s obviously uncomfortable in toa when will calls him his boyfriend, which is why i believe and play nico with this fear which was only intensified by the fact that he didn’t get to come out on his own terms the first time.

nico isn’t still holding bianca’s death against percy. he uses past tense. “I hated Percy Jackson.” i don’t think that nico can go through and do everything he does and still hold onto his hate. the fact that he hated percy for bianca’s death made his feelings shameful in his mind, he stopped hating percy and started hating himself instead. i don’t believe that nico is ever able to trust percy again, but he doesn’t hate him anymore.

nico doesn’t have perfect control over his powers. he kills grass. he hits jason with his fear powers. it’s not on purpose, it’s just an unfortunate side effect of his own fears/anxieties and his inability to fine-tune his gifts. we know that nico is strong but we don’t see a ton of him being out of control with his powers. he’s mostly got his shit together, but he’s still a kid. the expectation that he’s perfect/totally in control isn’t fair.

*:·ﾟ:·ﾟᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ i gotta go cry now excuse me *:·ﾟ✧

alright so yea. that’s what i’ve got to say on that. if you’ve read this whole thing, honestly, nice job?? enjoy this quality gif of smiley nico as your prize and thanks for reading???

#meme replies #nda headcanons #( i think i’m running out of time || musings; nico di angelo )#homophobia tw #anxiety tw #death tw #goD this took forever #in my defense celine said spare no detail

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princettegil · 5 years

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There's been something I've been meaning to talk about for a while now but it recently came to a head about a week ago and I've came to realize that the medical field is probably one of the most uncaring amd worst places to work for someone with mental illness! You'd think the medical field would understand, right? Nope! Out of all the jobs I've had, none have been this bad at working with me or helping with my issues. I won't go into detail about what happened but I haven't had much in the way of anxiety attacks in the last couple years (cept for a couple incidents.) All in all, I've been doing stunningly better! However, when I have a job I tend to have a lot more anxiety issues (no matter what the job is, it just seems to happen.) So I've had about 3-4 attacks since I started work at the beginning of this year at a hospital (working one of the lowest rungs that still deals with patient care.) But that's to be expected; I figured that would happen since it almost always does, but I was intent on trying to sticking it out this time. Now, I don't like pity - let's just get that clear right now. I don't like pity, I don't like bothering people, I try my best to at least be as good as my peers at my job and I absolutely abhor bothering people with my issues (be that mental illness stuff or standard job difficulties.) Basically, I try to hold my own as best I can and I don't like to mention my mental health issues unless it's clear they're absolutely becoming an problem. Well, first (technically 2nd but the real first was a very small and not full blown attack) anxiety? A nurse happened to be in the room with me and took me to the main office where they let me chill a little and transferred me to work with a less trying patient. That's good! That seems reasonable yeah? Though what they did I agree was a good move, the way the nurse (an RN mind you) acted towards me was... odd. You'd expect a nurse to be well trained with things like anxiety or panic attacks and know both how to help out and seem considerate, right? Well... you'd be very wrong! Though she wasn't mean she didn't seem to understand at all what was happening to me even after I told her I was having an anxiety attack. She clearly didn't know much in the way of how to help me calm down or even deal with me at all working on her floor. But whatever, maybe she was tired? Nurses work their asses off after all! Maybe she just wasn't well trained with anxiety issues? It could happen. I gave her a pass in my mind but noted how it was strange for her to be so seemingly uncomfortable with a simple anxiety attack, especially one of a coworker. My 2nd anxiety attack went mostly unnoticed and I dealt with it the way I normally do. Took a break to go to the bathroom and try to chill out, stayed there a bit longer than my break actually allows but made sure I was okay before going back to the patient's room to continue my shift as normal. At the end though I made sure to inform my supervisor that I could no longer work with said patient because he was behind my prior anxiety attack as well. They didn't really agree but that didn't disagree with me either that they'd make sure I didn't have to work with him again. Then the 3rd anxiety attack. The big one. The awful one. The one that really forced my realization. Like I said, I won't go into detail on what happened. Lots of things happened that night all at once and some caused serious issues but are unrelated to the topic of the hospital's treatment of anxiety attacks. But the stunning thing I did realize was just how non-understanding and non-accomodating my supervisors (years long medical workers, especially in nursing fields) could be. At one of my last jobs, though they ran everyone to the brink of exhaustion and stress (causing many people to quit around the same time, including myself) they at least we're kind when they realized I had anxiety issues. It didn't actually work out the way they promised but they were willing to work with me and make simple accommodations to help me out (like working in the back when the store got really busy.) They were also very understanding and assuring even though I was terrified that they found out. At another job, though I didn't stay long last the first month's training classes, they were also understanding and my trainer took the time to explain how she understood what anxiety was like and gave me plenty of time and space to calm myself down (we got along so well I even friended her on FB after I quit and she's still really nice to me.) Basically, my other jobs were understanding. They didn't pity me (thank gods!) but they were open, supportive, understanding, accomodating and those coworkers who had been through similar really helped commiserate with me which helped me feel more comfortable knowing I wasn't alone. The hospital I work at now? None of the above! They weren't mean mind you, they technically said just enough to make it so that I probably couldn't sue them for treating me differently due to my mental disabilities (I have no intention to) but it really did seem like they wanted to put in the bare minimum of care to make sure that didn't happen. Did they tell me how they understood that anxiety was difficult to deal with? No. Did they try understandingy issues? No. Did they ask or try to accommodate me (like helping me to find a more suitable job there or letting me know I could ask to switch patients if things got hard? No. Did they seem any bit empathetic or even sympathetic? No. They gave me time to calm down (though they seemed pretty ansy for me to hurry up and breath so I could talk or rather, listen to them.) They said they were worried a couple times (while seemingly sounding and looking like they didn't give a single shit and were simply required to say it.) Did they at all mention anxiety is a disability or offer any tips for dealing with it? Nope! Instead they told me, in only slightly prettier words, to suck it up, deal with it on my own, don't cause problems, and that it's only gonna get worse from here. Not exactly kind or what you'd expect from medical personnel huh? In fact, that's my main concern - it was MEDICAL PERSONNEL! I could see this with grocery store staff or call center supervisors and probably write it off as just being ill informed or more caring about the cash and not the employees. But... trained, licensed, careered RNs and nursing staff!?!? Staff that I KNOW have had to deal with and care for mentally ill patients of all sorts? Staff that likely occasionally have to help out in the adjoining psychiatric center!? People whose job is literally to care for other people!? This is what disturbs me! This is what concerns me! If they treat a fellow employee like this then how do they treat the actual patients with problems!? Look, I know nurses don't have it easy! I have both family and friends who are CNAs and RNs and I know some of the shit they go through and how stressful it is. Especially since starting a hospital job and seeing stuff firsthand, I have MAJOR respect for those that can do such jobs! You guys have to have balls of steel! No... platinum! Dear gods the shit you ppl go through! I can easily see why you'd be frustrated especially with a coworker who can't handle the shit you deal with daily! I get it. I can see why you'd snap at patients and even eventually experience burn out and stop giving a shit in general. Hell, I wouldn't blame you one damn bit! But I would hope most of that would be split decisions, heat of the moment type stuff. Not when you've had almost an hour to absorb what's happened and had plenty of time to think through what to do or how to act. If you treat your co-workers like this, how would someone expect you to treat your patients? Not one of the 6 jobs that I've had treated my anxiety issues THIS BADLY! I'm talking data entry places, places with tiny cubicles, telarmarketing places, call centers, grocery stores, RETAIL stores! If nothing else I'd expect at least understanding from medical field workers! My supervisors, even a few of my coworkers - did not only not seem to understand but didn't even care! I was told by one to pretty much man up or quit! And some of these people, I KNOW have either personally dealt with mental health issues themselves or know someone close who has. Even if you know the job is tough, even if you know it may get worse, even if you've personally dealt with worse - you can't even say something as easy as "yeah man, this shits hard, I get it."? If I ever mentioned how hard my night was, my coworkers in the group chat didn't even care enough to respond. I mean, I'm sure you've had hard nights too! Let's talk about it! Let's commiserate and complain together! There's over I of us on this shift and I know you all have gone through shit, let's let off a little steam about it! There's gotta be at least one of you who'd love to rant it out! I find when you complain together about a tough job it makes you feel better knowing there's others in the same situation. Just knowing you're not alone can help a lot! Heck, answering every question you know the answer to with "just call the supervisors" cause you can't take 2 mins to say something like "click the x button on the menu" to help a coworker is a bit extreme isn't it? That last anxiety attack I had suicidal thoughts for a short bit in the midst of the worst part. I asked my supervisors for any advice they might have (hoping they might share some of their 20+ years of health field knowledge) they ignored my question and sent me straight to the ER even though I told them I was fine now. I can see the reaction for legal reasons but they didn't seem worried about me personally but how it may affect my job. They refused to listen to me. I went to the ER. Sat there, had blood work done and answered a few questions about how I was feeling and they let me leave. Why? Because they had determined I was fine and no threat to myself or others, just like I had told my supervisors. They never did give me advice. But they did screenshot my phone to show HR. So no, I don't want pity and I don't want people to get super worried about me but I'm always worrying that I'll be fired because of my anxiety attacks and the least a supervisor or coworker could do is tell me they understand it's tough (the job or the anxiety) or give me helpful tips or listen to me or ask how they could help. But being ignored, told to man up, told to quit, treated like I was just a legal risk and quickly unloading me onto anyone else they could - that's not how you treat someone! Someone with anxiety, depression, mental illness, learning disabilities, young people, old people - ANY PEOPLE! And what's worse is you are MEDICAL STAFF! You should KNOW about this stuff. You should KNOW how to handle it! You should KNOW to at least act like you care! You should KNOW how to comfort or calm someone or make them feel comfortable and not just like a legal risk or a bother that you don't want to deal with! HOW TF DO PATIENTS FEEL ABOUT THIS KIND OF TREATMENT!? My managers are always complaining about inspections and how the hospital is rated by patients and why and how to improve our scores. Well, as someone who's been an employee and now a patient too, lemme tell you your main patient displeasure issue - YOUR ATTITUDE! I thought before that some patients were just asking too much of the staff but now I know that they were right. But it's not about getting your apple juice quicker it's about being treated like you're either just a giant thorn in their side or a pit of money! Maybe next time I won't ignore that survery phone call.

#Personal #srry everyone I needed to rant!#I rly do know nurses work their asses off and patients are super greedy #I know ur tired and stay stressed #I applaud those of u who do this kind of work and put up with all this shit but #even if u don't think someone has the balls for the job #doesntewm u should be an ass about it #no one deserves that and treating someone with mental illness like that is even worse #I mean tech I do have a disability tho I don't like calling it that #bit is this how you'd treat someone who was blind or paralyzed?#Is this how you'd treat a normal coworker or employee?#Haven't u ever heard of being nice? U can still tell the truth but u don't gotta be an ass about it #it's not like I'm cursing u out or angry or anything #so there's no reason to treat me like a useless turd thorn #just say things nicely add in an 'i understand' here or there #at best u can try to follow the actual law and make accommodations when possible #instead of veiling ur threats of unemployment with faked worry so u won't be sued #I'm not gonna sue u! I probably won't even turn u in for wanting to fire someone cause of disability but rewording it as something else!#I just want to be treated with some gotdamn respect and care fuck!#Take a goddamn 30 min YouTube class about anxiety disorders or something!#It ain't hard to Google! Fuck

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cyancees · 6 years

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honestly the character who deserves more hate but doesn't get any is Kaito. like he's straight up Sexist and Transphobic in full canon but nobody ever seems to care and act like he's perfect, just not smart. Himiko's that, not Kaito

you’re grasping at straws for reasons to hate a character and then go and love literal murderers and crazy characters.

rant with spoilers under cut

(yes, momota did technically “kill” someone but we all know the circumstances for that case.)

DISCLAIMER: I’M NOT JAPANESE, I’M JUST RELYING ON RESEARCH AND STUDY I’VE DONE OVER THE YEARS. IT’S 4:30 AM SO I’M NOT PROOF-READING THIS SORRY, IF I FUCK UP LEMME KNOW K.

i’ve talked about this way too much already, so let me just say everything and hopefully never have to talk about it again

as a woman, i don’t think momota is sexist. i think he’s an idiot who tries to be chivalrous. he talks about being manly, and says weapons don’t suit girls, and that’s not from hatred of girls or the belief that they’re inferior. it’s because he’s a dumbass. he definitely had room for development, but he died before ever getting an arc. kodaka is a bitch.

gender roles in japan are… kinda bad. but standing up for yourself and being loud & proud (much like momota’s character) is kinda a socially weird thing to do in their culture, which is why that kind of stuff is still in place. a man’s masculinity isn’t often questioned, and women are seen as weaker, and that’s just it. i don’t think it’s fair to blame a japanese character for acting pretty standard for the culture he was raised in. (might i also add that the writing as a whole can be misogynistic? if you hate it so much why play the games?)

i don’t think there’s any accounts of him being fucking transphobic since there are no canon trans characters in the game, but what you’re probably referring to is his use of the term “okama” when he sees shinguuji wearing lipstick.

first off, please do some research. people have been scraping at the bottom of the barrel with this remark. the term okama is not always offensive. it’s slang for effeminate gay men or drag queens, and some drag queens even use it to refer to themselves. however, many consider it to be the japanese equivalent for “faggot” and honestly, i wouldn’t put it that way. it’s more like “queer” where it isn’t really a slur but people can use it in derogatory ways. you can’t really translate some words directly, including that, and here’s why:

being gay was never an issue in japan. it was natural, and normal, and something no one thought twice about, as none of their religions said anything against it. there are plenty of famous historical gay and bisexual japanese figures. however, with the westernization of japan during the 1800s, that anti-gay culture began to affect the country.

i’m not japanese, and i’ve never been there, but i’ve studied the language and culture for years and have done extensive research on these topics, so take it with a grain of salt, but - most japanese people do not have an issue with homosexuality still. most LGBT people in japan report their experiences of coming out as smooth, with their friends reacting mostly like “oh, okay.” the only real upset is usually with parents who want grandkids, or in the work place, particularly office jobs (which confuses me still, and has nothing to do with the scenario where momota is apparently homophobic, so i’m not gonna go into that.)

so far we know that:

- “okama,” though slang for effeminate gay men/drag queens, is not inherently offensive unless used that way (and you can say momota was angry/harsh in that sentence, but if you found out one of your friends had killed 2 people and was being weird, you’d speak harshly too.)

- for the most part, japan’s view of homosexuality is fine. most of the population supports it, and cities are beginning to legalize it and grant benefits of marriage.

(side note - dating culture in japan isn’t really as important as it is here and in other westernized countries, so marriage is less important culturally to most people there. i mean, here in australia, homophobia is rampant as people throw around ‘faggot’ every day and bully you for it, but even we got it legalized first, because dating and marriage is just more important culturally)

so now it just brings up the question: why does momota automatically assume shinguuji is gay because he’s wearing lipstick?

three words: lack of education.

in general, education on LGBT+ topics in japan is very low. remember what i said earlier about people not going on about their rights and equality and standing up for themselves? it’s all related.

because of this need to never stand out, and dating culture being less important to most, many japanese people don’t come out just because they don’t want the attention. (that’s why characters in danganronpa might often react confused or shocked at other characters saying seemingly normal things to us - because they’re standing out, and that’s weird.) and because a lot never come out, the Straights think that there’s hardly any LGBT people in japan, and they know nothing about what they’re really like. which means they get all their education from the media.

LGBT stuff in the media, like television, is grouped into a genre called “Onee.” while onee usually means big sister, or used to refer to a young woman stranger, in this case it’s a less controversial way of saying “okama.” that means drag and other effeminate gay stuff is grouped together with everything else LGBT, so the Straights assume they’re all one and the same.

so, that adds “lack of proper education” onto the bullet list.

let’s go over the scenario once more.

shinguuji murdered two people. he reveals he’s wearing lipstick. he talks effeminately.

momota, someone who likely knows very little about LGBT stuff, sees this, and assumes he’s gay or in drag or something. he doesn’t really know. furious that this guy killed two people, he asks if he’s queer. because in a society with heavy gender stereotypes, a guy wearing lipstick is kinda out of the ordinary.

momota’s fabled sexism/transphobia/homophobia all boils down to one simple point: he’s an idiot.

people like to overlook all the great stuff he’s done and the good guy he really is deep down because of some dumb stuff he’s said, then overlook all the terrible stuff other characters have said and done. it’s grasping at straws.

get this: you don’t need reasons to dislike a character. you’re allowed to dislike momota, i don’t care. but people need to stop going around spreading misinformation about momota being a bigot using the japanese text that most fans don’t understand to try and make everyone else hate him.

as a queer woman, the only thing i ever remember having an issue with was momota saying “weapons don’t suit girls.” but again, i’ve actually done extensive research on cultural differences, and i understand momota’s a dumbass who doesn’t think before he talks. i also think kodaka’s writing is pretty flawed in a lot of areas concerning female characters, but that’s a rant for another time because it’s now 4:35 AM.

EDIT: if you’re interested in doing you’re own research, here are some good videos with actual japanese peoples opinions that i’ve watched (unfortunately i can’t find every single source i’ve had over the years, i’m sorry, it’s just too late rn!!)

youtube

(and here’s one that talks about masculinity and gender roles which it won’t let me embed)

EDIT x2: apparently i made a small mistake about the time momota says ‘okama,’ see me address it here.

#rant #kaito momota #anonymous #reply #百田解斗

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tompen94 · 5 years

Text

Ranting about Kingdom Hearts III (cuz I just finished it, SPOILERS AHOY)

Follow-up post to: https://tompen94.tumblr.com/post/181689323487/ranting-about-kingdom-hearts-cuz-i-just-got-into

Okay... Uhhh... So that was... a lot to process...

I have finished KH3 with all of the chests and Lucky Emblems found. I tried my hardest not to just rush through the story, but I am not gonna pretend like I know shit as I am a pretty casual gamer. This is just an aggregate of my thoughts on the game.

If you want a review here it is: GET THE FUCKING GAME RN

I won’t be holding back any information. This is your official spoiler warning.

Spoilers below the cut (if it even works).

Gameplay

As I said in my KH Rant post (click the link goddammit), this was my first experience with the gameplay of the series.

It took some getting used to, my muscle memory kept telling me that X was to jump so I got stuff wrong in the beginning but I got the gist of it towards the end. Didn’t use as much magic as I wanted though, using the d-pad means not using the analog stick, which means remaining still in the middle of a fight while I decide which magic to use and, in the case of Cure, who to use it on. (Yes I’m aware of shortcuts and I used them but I still have to use the d-pad to change which set I’m using)

However, I liked the combat system in general. I’m sure it is something that comes with time and my issues with it can be honed out with more practice.

Wasn’t too hot on flowmotion though, at least in the beginning when you don’t have abilities like Air Slide. Using flowmotion in battle was pretty hard for me to do at first because of this. I had heard of how OP it was in DDD and I tried to use it a bunch in Thebes but because of my low success in even activating the thing properly, I stopped using it until I got to the Ice Labyrinth in Arendele. I started using it moderately after that.

The Lock-on laser thingy was something I thought I was going to use a lot since I had seen it being used pretty often in gameplay of the other KH games. However I barely used it. But it was pretty satisfying locking every beam onto a single target and then one-shot them with it.

Finally the situation commands. Loved them. My most used button other than X is the Triangle. Always use situation commands. It’s always a benefit. (Also Rage Form heals you and gives you super fast combos. Fucking neat!)

Favorite things and stuff

Favorite playable keyblade: Kingdom Key

Call me basic or whatever. The Kingdom Key was my main Keyblade and I barely swapped it out throughout the game. It is by far the weakest keyblade, I know. But I just like it so damn much, I kept it as my main. So yes, you can finish the game just with the Kingdom Key. If you don’t mind farming Adamantite and Electrum to upgrade it to the max, that is. I was planning to swap it out for ‘Dawn till Dusk’ but that was before I found out it was an Amazon pre-order exclusive (LAAAAAME!!!!).

Favorite keyblade in the series: Way to the Dawn

I like Riku’s new keyblade but Way to the Dawn looks so goddamn cool. Its look also tells a story, it’s an imprint of Riku’s character arc throughout the series. It’s a bit of a shame that they had him change it.

Favorite Worlds: Corona & The Caribbean

Corona is stupid pretty. And a fun world to explore and jump around in. I love how they recreated certain environments just for the scene of Rapunzel being at war with herself. You can actually go to those places! Also the Kingdom itself is just beautiful. Corona is the place I took most selfies on. Also:

(I will protect this smile with my life)

The Caribbean is basically its own game. Most worlds have one fun addition to the combat or the level design, like the Gigas in Toy Box, or even Rapunzel’s hair during the story portion of Corona. However the Caribbean gives you a ship and a whole new set of mechanics with it. It’s also a massive world, 56 goddamn chests to find. It feels so satisfying to sail to an island, get to the very end of it and find a butload of chests to open. Also Sora looks cool as fuck in his pirate costume.

Most disappointing worlds: Arendele & San Fransokyo

I wish it wasn’t so but Arendele wasn’t as much as I expected it to be. Don’t get me wrong, that ‘Let it go’ sequence is fucking phenomenal and I fanboyed out on it a lot, but the world itself isn’t all that interesting to me. You don’t even get to visit the Kingdom, just the mountain. And after you finish the story, the game teases you with Elsa’s Ice Castle, but guess what, you ain’t entering it either. Instead of the Ice Labirynth, I would much rather have had a level inside Elsa’s castle.

As for San Fransokyo, Why can’t I freely go to the bridge? Why is it locked to that one combat scene and then never seen again? And the city itself is confusing to traverse in. Even with the map I frequently lost track of where I was. The streets are also too wide, the only way to go through them quickly is if you’re a boss at using the Lock-on+Square thing, but I suck at it, so I’m just spamming dodge-roll to get through it a little faster than running. If the streets were narrower, it would be different, because then I could use flowmotion off of the walls and zip around like Deku was doing in the fight against Stain. Now THAT would’ve been cool. BGM is lit though.

Favorite characters: Sora & Riku

This is a topic I’m constantly changing my mind on, I like every single one of the main characters. Some more than others, yes, but I’m constantly jumping around between Sora, Riku, Roxas, Ventus, Aqua and Mickey. For now though, I’m going with Sora and Riku.

Sora’s a whole lot more chilled out in this game. And I really like that. In KH2 whenever he wasn’t trash-talking or involved in slap-stick with Donald and Goofy, he was moping around thinking about Riku and Kairi. It’s really nice to see him more carefree and I believe his character is greatly improved with this.

As for Riku, he’s kind of the opposite to Sora? I think his character shines the most when put under duress. We don’t see much of that in KH3, but we get plenty of it in the rest of the series. His constant struggle with the darkness makes for a pretty compelling character arc. Though I do think his peak was in KH2, when he was the ‘Get stuff done’ character alongside Mickey.

The Ending

And here we are... I still don’t know what to make of that ending... This story is filled to the brim with feel-good moments and then it ends on such a conflicting note for me. What comes to my mind is: Why Nomura... Why?

When Aqua returned to the Realm of Light and cried of happiness, I had the dumbest smile in my face.

When Ventus woke up and said “Good Morning, Aqua”, I had the dumbest smile on my face.

When the keyblades from the past came to participate in the ‘Rape-the-Triangle-button’ sequence of this game, I had the dumbest smile on my face.

When Terra (he did nothing wrong) reunited with Aqua and Ven, I had the dumbest smile on my face.

When Roxas returned, I had the dumbest smile on my face.

When Xion cried tears of joy on reuniting with Axel and Roxas, I had the dumbest smile on my face.

And then... at the end Sora fades away? What the fu-WHY? I actually still have a knot in my stomach over this.

Let’s put that aside for now, let’s not forget the fact that while the stuff in Back Cover and Union X did play an important part, it got fuck-all closure. Everyone’s chasing that Black Box but it amounted to nothing in this game. There are 7 new Princesses of Heart and we only see 3 of them. Also why couldn’t Luxu just be Luxu?

All of this could’ve been forgiven though. If everyone had a happy ending that is. But coupling all of this with Sora vanishing at the end... I can’t let it pass. This doesn’t feel satisfying. Goddammit Nomura!

Maybe this is just my knee-jerk reaction. Maybe I’ll see more positives in this ending over time, after I’ve digested it. But for now, this is how I feel...

I also have conflicted feelings about Xehanort’s redemption but I can stomach this one much more easily. While I don’t think adding this in was necessary, I also think it’s harmless. Giving Xehanort a ride off into the sunset instead of just a death is fine by me.

Some other things

Wasn’t it confirmed that Kairi would be playable? :(

Speaking of which, it certainly would’ve been nice to have some sort of Mission Mode a la 358/2 Days to be able to play as other characters. You only play as Riku twice and as Aqua once. Most of the MCs were fully playable at one point or another in the franchise so it would’ve been nice to be able to do so in some capacity in this game. Couldn’t you at least let me fight Terranort as the Lingering Will?

WHY DOES THIS GAME LOOK SO GOOD

I’m sorry if this felt like a bit of a downer. I guess I’m... grieving over Sora? Never thought I’d say something like that. I know that he “comes back” in the secret movie, along with Riku and... Yozora (I thought he was just a parody of Noctis?) and the Master of Masters. But I wonder how that ties into the Foreteller stuff we saw with XigbarLuxu. Also why is Riku there?

May your heart be your guiding key

#kh spoilers #kingdom hearts #kingdom hearts iii #kh sora #kh riku #mickey #donald #goofy #kh kairi #kh aqua #kh terra #kh ventus #roxas #kh axel #kh xion #xehanort #kh stuff

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spookybias · 3 years

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Ayo it’s okay to rant, let it all out yano? and I understand where you’re coming from, like yes it’s nice to have friends that like a couple of your interests, but to find someone to be friends with irl and be interested in the same things as you can be tricky. for me personally I’ve sorta just tried to find interest in whatever they may like and from there I’ll introduce them to whatever I’m into, it’s just difficult sometimes but we’ll get there at some point :’D As for spending money, it doesn’t hurt to spend it on things you genuinely need and for new stuff too, so it’s all right! sometimes ya gotta treat yourself a lil heh

I’m guilty to say I’ve sorta just left my tumblr acc and the app overall for a while. I’ve been busy with my friends since they’ll be moving out soon so we’ve just been going on day trips and all that stuff before uni starts again 😭 and I’m sorta becoming addicted to genshin impact too ah- It’s just so interesting to me and it’s a game I actually enjoy. funny to think I’d delete it after playing it a day or two but it’s been a good month and few days c: but yeah, I also just felt like not posting for a while since, well, I’ve become incredibly insecure about my works lol and I reread the ones that have been posted and are doing well and I fear I can’t write that well anymore 🧎🏻‍♀️

sometimes I just wanna (ง •̀_•́)ง my insecurities so I can continue because I want the same motivation I had when I first started my blog 💀 I’ve probably mentioned this plenty of times before aahh-

it’s nice to be back and talking to you though c: and I hope the rest of your week is good to you!

almost everyone ik plays genshin impact and it wasn't until like 2 weeks ago where i finally found out exactly what it was 🤣 i see people buy cute gaming accessories just to play genshin tho and it's so cute! like i saw someone with a joystick that you can attach to your phone :0

i'm all for taking a break from tumblr to focus on real life, no matter what the circumstances are, but the insecurities :[ i'll fight yours for you too >:( i think what you need rn is a little time to yourself and then (eventually because if you love writing you should definitely come back to it) you could start by writing something small and straightforward. i understand your insecurities, but remember that you're writing for yourself and every work is good in its own way! no piece will ever make someone feel the same way as the last. of course, others can decide which they like more, but at the end of the day, each work of yours is individual and carries something that another piece of writing doesn't.

i hope the rest of your week goes well too, and i also hope i could be of use to feel at least a tiny bit of motivation to get back to your blog. take your time, smiles <3

#𖦆 ― mail #𖦆 ― mutuals #𖦆 ― boba-beom

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coshayphinelove · 7 years

Text

just some thinky thoughts after i wrote a tag essay that got way bigger than the tags. feel free to read if you want, but forewarning... i have more questions after writing than before so..

so before i start anything i’d like to clarify that i love ob. most of my issues with it are bc i got my hopes too high and held the creators to the standards i hold myself, which is not fair in art. also, i’m only talking about the ob team and the characters, not the fans. don’t get all in a twist, this is just me... thinkin.

so ep 5 was great. 2013 me would have loved it. but 2017 me is like.. hard into communication and explicitly labelled representation. and cophine is neither of those things. like... i can understand that there’s not enough time to linger on stuff the way i would want to. i get it. but like... there was enough time to linger on alison. for five seasons. the first time she ever did anything main plot-moving was this season, she was always almost completely seperate. she got flashbacks out the wazoo to explain her entire life story. we met her mom. her monitor is redeemed.

i just am very unhappy with the doling of screen time. like... it’s not even about shipping anymore. it’s about plot holes and i am genuinely confused about the story at this point. like delphine and donnie are easily comparable characters. donnie monitored alison for close to a decade. lied to her for a decade. once he found out about the clones started doing things without alison’s knowledge or consent. he is forgiven. almost immediately. for everything.

delphine lasted as a monitor about... a month? she was so bad at lying that cosima caught her. she immediately came clean. then in the flashback begged cosima to believe that she would always protect her. and yet? the conflict surrounding delphine for the entire show is ~is she good or bad???~. and at every turn she is keeping that promise while making and keeping other promises. and everybody, including her love interest keeps throwing her mistakes in her face.

donnie gets side plots and new dynamics to explore. delphine has to have all of her characterization as a subset of cosima’s screen time. donnie gets a seat at the bubbles table, delphine does not. she has to leave and get shot (a whole different rant of equal length).

on another note, alison and cosima are also easily comparable characters: side characters used to provide info for sarah to react to. cosima’s safety is always at risk, she’s been boiled down to her love interest for several plots, and she doesn’t ever get to acknowledge her Very Obvious PTSD and abandonment issues. alison has low stakes conflict (up until this season, but that’s already over), she is never boiled down to donnie’s wife, and we got to watch her parse through her issues in s2 in great detail.

like even the flashbacks. like alison got half her episode told in flashbacks and it was gorgeous. i by no means wanted that when there’s so much going on but i thought we would get at least a little more.

we met alison’s parent. we hear about her in a natural and very not forced way. cosima gets one very long line about her family very late in the game in a clunky and almost pointless way. (like... why was it in there? what purpose did it serve?)

i think the problem is subtext. everybody is always talking about the subtext. but the problem is there are several issues that the writer’s address almost explicitly. like alison’s drinking problem. we learned all about that and we cheered for her when she went to rehab and we we sad when she relapsed. with cosima it’s.... two instances of smash cuts of bad memories and her reacting to them. ......*gestures with flailing arms* ISN’T THAT ALSO IMPORTANT???

like. i’m going to keep talking about delphine but.. that’s just where my head is rn..

but from s1 to s2 her arc was learning what her role would be in clone club and then how to do that. and she made some big huge strides there. and then she comes back for s3 and it’s gone. she’s just.. not doing that anymore? like they took the time to film her telling cosima immediately after she messed up that she had, in fact, messed up. and then, what, a few days later she Can’t Tell Cosima Anything Anymore? and don’t get on me about screen time here. it could’ve been like.. 2 more lines. “it’s not safe, they’ll hurt you.” “b-but delphine??” “i’m sorry.” LIKE? they just wanted the drama of cosima not knowing. which i can see wanting, but it didn’t end up working. because then you had scenes showing delphine doing things for clone club. so then... it was just.... confusing? and imo drawn out for too long.

but even to this day I, a delphine stan, am still kind of iffy. she literally made an ultimatum (promise me, everyone. you will never make an ultimatum in your romantic/sexual/platonic relationships. that’s a manipulation tactic that a lot of abusers use. slippery slope please don’t do it.)(i’m also not saying that delphine is an abuser or that you’re an abuser but just.. it’s a thing to be careful of.)

“accept our toxic relationship as is or leave.”

IN WHAT WORLD IS THAT OKAY??? like i get the sentiment behind it. like she was saying, ‘hey cosima i know i’ve been bad but like you don’t have to stay if you don’t want. i’ll stop kissing you and everything.’ but then.... have her say that? everything delphine ever says to cosima is wrapped in 3 levels of subtext. or alternatively, cut the kissies in half and let them have a few lines about a new promise or something. idk if that’s just her being extra or if that’s just.... the writers.

bc the creators... bless them.. they’re trying. but when it comes down to it they were predominantly straight men. and they did add tatiana as an executive producer which is like.. the head idea guy who tell the writers what to write. which was awesome! but like.. she’s straight (as far as we know). so like.. i really don’t want to pull the sexuality card here. but i think i am.

bc it’s one thing if you don’t give romantic, mental health, or communication plot lines very much time. it’s another if you give a straight couple plenty and a wlw couple scraps. it’s one thing if the straight couple gets to delve into things multiple times and the wlw couple gets ten seconds before the plot needs to keep going.

i get that the cosima-centric ep was very plot heavy, stuff was happening, i get it. but like... if you cared about giving good rep as much as you claim you do wouldn’t you... re-structure so that they have more than 10 seconds? wouldn’t you sacrifice some of that oh so dearly beloved body horror to let them just... talk for a hot sec? or let them be in the same room?

i know it’s hard work. the longest original work i’ve ever finished is a 30 page script. and even then it’s a lot of ‘is this dialogue working?’ ‘would that character say that?’ ‘that’s a plot hole’ ‘wait where is he going again?’ i get that there’s a lot to keep track of so like... knowing who cosima’s parents are wasn’t on a post-it note on the beat board. but i just... one of the questions i always ask myself is ‘is this healthy?’ so like... i always make sure that if the dynamic isn’t then i either address it somewhere else or change it so it is.

i don’t think they were asking themselves that.

bc straight guys are used to power balances in their relationships. they’re used to ultimatums. whether it’s in their life or in fiction, that’s what they see. and they’re socialized to see that as normal. so when they’re made aware that the media they’re making is feminist/progressive, these guys seemed like they did research and tried to make it more so. but... they missed the mark. bc straight men will never know what it’s like to be a wlw or a woman. that’s just how it works.

and then.. like... they were so hyperaware of the fans and what they wanted. and i think the thing they understood the best was that they wanted cophine kisses. bc a lot of ppl wanted that and like...ppl who are cophine critical sometimes also want cophine kisses. so that’s the loudest thing they heard/saw. and instead of doing the emotional work and the plot work they thought every scene had to have kisses.

and they also knew that they could always fill in the gaps at panels. WHICH. not canon if you say it at a panel y’all. they knew the fans would spread their patches all over the place. so instead of doing the work and explicitly taking a stand they just.. let people ask them questions so they knew what people were wondering about and then...... answered.

i don’t think they did any of this maliciously but like.. the whole drama surrounding sarah’s sexuality, the great debate of whether it was problematic or not. like... knowing now that they didn’t intend it to come off as her lashing out and having a mental breakdown helps, but.... that’s still what it looked like at first glance. and if i’m just a DVR viewer who doesn’t meticulously stalk everything ob online, i wouldn’t know that. and they do that with delphine’s intentions a lot. they do it with sexuality a lot. they do it with gender a lot. and it’s like.... it’s representation but... label-less to the masses. like my dad was in the room when sarah was kissing a girl and he made some snide comment about it. and it’s like... they were just too aware of fans that they gave them what they wanted (sarah kissing a girl/cophine kisses) without thinking about if was the healthy thing for the moment. they didn’t think about the ramifications.

and it’s just so frustrating. bc i love this show, i do. there’s so much to talk about and so many themes and allegories and cool stuff. but they just... do a lot of stuff that..... really grinds my gears. like this isn’t even a comprehensive list.

#blog stuff #thinky thoughts #i think i like that tag...

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bloodinyourcoffeestream · 6 years

Text

one month of practice teaching

ＴＲＡＮＳＣＲＩＰＴ

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS WTF I HAVE SO MANY STORIES TO TELL YOU CAN I JUST CALL????????? I'M CRYING EVERY WEEK IS HELL WEEK WHEN YOU'RE A STUDENT-TEACHER

actually i would most likely just break down ya kno if my hair isn't this short i'd consider getting a haircut again, why do my kids have to be so rowdy what the actual fuck???????????????/ i've walked out on two of my classes already which is super Not a good notch on my performance but jesus fuckin christ no one ever said it would be this hard (maybe except that one senior who advised me to shift courses when i was a sophomore)

i'm saying this so often these days but i've never been this Tired in my entire goodamn life!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ya know how yoi outgays itself in every episode?? it's like that for me except each day outstresses the previous one time to die

ya i'm sorry it's just ughughhuhuhuhguhughughuhuhuhguhughuhuhuhughu teaching is fun and all but? i thought i'd stop getting stressed once i get adjusted to the environment but holy fuck it seems everyday that passes reduces my tolerance for my kids' antics

i'm a pretty chill teacher in general i let them have free reign in my time as long as they submit their outputs on time. we start the class late up to 20mins to wait for the latecomers!!!!!!!!!!! they can like eat and play music and even walk around or do stuff for other subjects and even fucking sleep!!!! (they even played 'stupid love' and 'kalimutan mo na yan' and 'titibo-tibo' in my class and i never judged them for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) they can easily gain my permission when they want to excuse their whole class to practice for their mapeh cheerdance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i joke around with them!!!! i treat them all like i personally ejected them outta my damn womb & raised them for 16 or so years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm a pretty chill teacher in lectures too i try to be as jolly as possible!!!!!!!! i try to make discussions interactive!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm generous with recitation chips!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (u can get chips just by sweeping the floor and erasing the board!!!!!!!!!!!!) i spend all night designing lesson-related games so that my kids wouldn't get bored!!!!!!! i give them plenty of time before the deadline!!!!!!!!!!!!! (like we spend a whole week for each output!!!) i go around the room during hands-on activities to make sure they're all doing their work properly!!!!!!!!! i even lent them my drafting stuff & provided them with bond paper bc i know how broke they are!!!!!!!!! you should come & sit in one of my classes they'll be the best thing you'll ever witness. i swear. i'm the best B-)

so holy mother of fuck why can't they give me the 1 ounce of respect i deserve? i'm so kind to them is it so hard to be kind back???? why are they all after my blood??????//

being strict's not my thing because strict teachers get less respect and u know it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sinasaway ko sila + nagtataray ako minsan pero sandaling-sandali lang then back to bibo hotdog na aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i'm so sorry for this rant i know i'm not supposed to be complaining to you i just. can't bring myself to tell my co-teachers bc they just tell me to be strict. and i can't for the life of me be strict. i literally forget which kids were noisy and rowdy after a maximum of 10 seconds!!!!!!!!!!! i easily forget which classes i'm supposed to be angry with and treat them well again the next day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! uhuhhuhuhuhuhuhuuuhhuhughughghuhuhuhuhuhhghugh kahihiyan ako

which is why i walked out of two of my classes; i feel like i've done everything to deserve their respect and it turns out i still don't. and idk what to do with them anymore honestly

i'm so stressed na bimb. minura ko na yung lower sections na hawak ko legit if my advisor/cooperating teacher(CT) finds out i'll get a bad rating for sure (and if i get a bad rating, laude is cancelledt) (super bigat na batas sa high school teachers na bawal magmura). i told them verbatim; guys kayo di ko kayo ginagago kaya pwede ba ako huwag niyo ring gaguhin? (which sounds light but not when coming from a hs teacher ok? some of them audibly gasped wow high schoolers are so soft) but even that didn't seem to have an effect on my raucous kids hanunah

anyway i just feel so weak now?? i forgive too easily specially especially after they've apologized or stopped being dicks + they make me smile so easily bc they're mostly so sweet & funny??????? why don’t i have the ability to stay mad & hold grudges & be strict hahahahhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuetangina

some 'anonymous feedback' i got was that, para raw akong baliw, one minute galit then the other bati-bati na ulit, tas parang be-babyhin ko pa yung mga sinita ko. inexplain ko nalang na di ko kayang magalit then my CT said kailangan kong maging consistent - kung galit, galit talaga, or else magmumukha talaga akong baliw. or di na ako susundin kasi parang joke lang ako magalit

b i h

iyak na c acoe

i'm sorry this is so long i feel like we haven't talked in years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm writing this in the faculty room actually haha i feel like i'd stop functioning if i don't type these out, my head is such a wreck rn bc i keep getting bad feedback about my teaching strategy, sorry for all the exclamation points :(((((((

yung CT ko pa, he's always insisting that my lower-sectioners are just a bunch of assholes, KSPs, and lazy fucks, but they're not!!!!!!!! they're actually really sweet, they can be competitive when motivated properly, and they have so much potential???? their grades might be mostly seven-liners – (yung isa kong anak aNG SAYA-SAYA NIYA NUNG BINIGYAN KO SIYA NG 79 LIKE ?????) (pinaulit ko yung gawa niya btw tinuro ko ulit sa kanya kung alin yung mga mali niya hahahahaha then naging 103/100 pa yun) (may +5 kasi pag nagpasa before the deadline so ayun) – but they're the ones who are maparaan/madiskarte; i know they're the ones who's most likely to succeed in real life. they're also the ones who greet me on the corridors & off-campus with those cheerful "hi ma'am"s!!! ma'am buhatin ko na gamit mo!! ma'am ako na magwawalis!! idk if i’m a fool but i only see kindness & initiative in their actions?? these pabibos are gonna go far, i believe in them so much, i really go

the top-sectioners my CT puts on such a high pedestal are mostly GCs and self-entitled, always have their noses in the air & think they're better than everyone including me. always competing with their "Friends", crab mentality, always memorizing my material even if i always tell them to Understand instead of memorize bc they'll never learn shit that way????

i'm so dismayed bc there's a very specific mould that determines whether you're a 'good teacher' or not. and that mould is so, so different from what my shape is. that mould goes against my beliefs and principles; that mould is nearly everything i've been wanting to fight against when i decided to be a teacher and holy shit it looks like i have to fit in that stupid, ugly mould if i want to graduate. nevermind cum laude; i'd never graduate unless i fit in that bullshit mould

shet bes magpapakain ako sa sistema makakuha lang ng diploma

ily so much baks thanks for listening to my stupid rants. i don't know who to turn to, everyone else is like 'ganun talaga' or some other bs i wanna jump off a cliff, pls i'd rather disappear than magpalamon sa sistema. tangina ng sistema

why do i have to be so stubborn why am i like this?????

bes

ang sama pala maging weird

tanggap ko na nga sarili ko eh minamahal ko na nga yung pagiging weird ko pero hindi pala pwede; not in this profession; shet bes i need to become normal 2 survive. no fun allowed

now i just want to go home & send u thing whole novel can u believe i've been here since 5:30am!!!!!!! every!!! single!!!! weekday!!!!!! it's 5pm now but i can't go home yet bc i have to check tons of student outputs and write 5 semi-detailed lesson plans so that i can actually rest at home. someone take me out, the footbridge in sandigan is really tempting sometimes you know? the one that crosses over the underpass and u can see all the trucks passing underneath the bridge, plus theres a bunch of electric cables too. and when you're standing on that spot on the footbridge, the view of the sky is super pretty too. (you know what, maybe i'll take a photo when i pass by later. if it's there's still daylight out, that is.) it's so tempting sometimes,, sadly i'll never hear jung hoseok's contagious laughter if i pull any shit

do u think i should drop out now and just. i dunno work as a farmer in pangasinan or somewhere farther, like in visayas or maybe even cambodia where so much myths and folklore thrive, at least that sounds a lot less mentally taxing. i have backpain now anyway; i won't have to complain about that when i'm actually farming

i can't even listen to all the older songs i like bc they make me nostalgic about the past sjhkjhkjdhfkshdk i've told you how much i hate this nostalgia already, it hasn't stopped yet, gods help me!! i keep saying, "sana thesis na lang, thesis na lang ulit" and it's not even funny anymore

i'm so sorry for telling you all this :((( i'm sure you're stressed with school too, i hope i'm not adding to that. don't worry about me, okay? i'm probably not as stressed as i seem anyway, i tend to overact a lot then be perfectly fine after drying my tear ducts and then an 8-hour sleep and like a hot meal that isn't just reheated for the 5th time. i'm so sorry for making you read all this, this is like 5 whole pages i'm sorry :'((((

there's another lower-sectioner i wanna tell you about but this is getting ridiculously long, ask me about patricia sometime ok? it's kind of long-ish hahahaha

but u know what the worst thing is??? I BOUGHT TWO PUDDINGS FROM THE BAKERY YESTERDAY & ONE OF THEM FELL ON THE PAVEMENT JUST LIKE THAT. IF THE GOD'S AREN'T BULLYING ME IDK WHAT THIS IS

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