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dracoswolfbloodclan · 2 years

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How can I overcome the guilt of being a bad communicator when im angry? I’ve been told I come off passive aggressive. im just in my head a lot and thinking of a respectful way to react. Other people view it as childish for not communicating my feelings instantly. Its hard for me to know what im feeling and why and i just feel like thats for me to figure out BEFORE I bring an issue to someone. For context i met this guy and I feel like we both moved too fast out of lust. He was going through alot (idk why i always attract ppl at this stage in their life) He lost a family member, and just got out of a relationship. He said the relationship was dead long before it was over but he was still working through things within himself because of it. He said he still felt emotionally available, but i’m realizing now when he still had a lot to work on he was removing the romance aspect of that.. which i didnt understand at the time and asked twice because I felt confused. So I let him know I dont want anything casual/FWB, and he said he didnt either. We’d hang out and he’d be like “we’re on a date” and it felt manipulative once I really started to think about it. Why use that language if we arent actually building on something? After we were intimate with eachother he said “i wouldnt fall in love with me right now. I just dont have the capacity to receive/give love romantically how i normally would” i didnt say anything then because he was being honest and vulnerable but it hurt. I felt manipulated. Probably manipulated myself into thinking something good could come from this. I dont have many experiences with good/honest men. Even though that is the bare minimum.. I wanted to hold on because i felt like i deserved to be loved, but also recognized he cant.. and i just feel like he had just as much responsibility to leave me alone knowing that. I’m also holding myself accountable because so did I. I left something at his house and went to go get it. I was so passive aggressive, told him nothing was wrong, tried to walk away from him after getting my stuff. I thought it would be best to just ghost him. I already caught feelings and it’d hurt too much if he chose to gaslight me to my face. I didnt want to break down in front of him. He called me once i got to my car and cursed at me.. i was so triggered i brought everything i was feeling to his attention in an accusatory way and i feel so much guilt because i feel like maybe if i wasnt so emotional about the situation he would’ve heard me out. I just felt like he could’ve been more sensitive and understanding to how i reacted especially because I previously explained i’ve been through emotionally/sexual abuse. He called me selfish, told me we’re done and its all my fault, and didn’t even acknowledge my explanation for reacting that way. I apologized a few days later once I cooled off but he ignored it, told me if i had more grace he’d have more empathy..and blocked me. Then he went on twitter ranting about “weird women” and it hurt. He knew i would see it. I dont think i’d ever rekindle anything with him. Im not sure if i dodged a bullet or let my anxiety get the best of me. I’m dealing with a lot of guilt for how it ended even though i tried to rectify things, and I think we both could’ve handled eachother better or maybe i am selfish..? Regardless how can I move on from the guilt of how it ended and him in general? Should I block him back?

Honestly it sounds like he was gaslighting you, you do deserve to be loved and I would want to get a restraining order against him and block him everywhere, but the first option can be pretty expensive depending upon your general location (i.e country, state, province) or laws. But definitely block, he's not worth the time and effort you deserve so much more better than him. Plus, what he was/ is personally going through doesn't give him a "I can do what I want and stay out of jail for free card", he deserves to be held accountable for his own actions.

I am also very guilty of being a horrible communicator when I'm angry as well. For the past few months or so, maybe for the first half of this year, I would work on breathing exercises for me to calm down or I would put music on until I calmed down enough to detect the source of my anger and then try to talk about it with the person. Eventually once I calmed down enough I apologised to the people who were affected and everything was chill. As for the guilt part, I would usually send them something related to what the person in question liked (like marvel fanarts or minecart "hacks") and then we'd go on from there. Personally when I do feel extremely guilty I have hard time with overdoing my apologies and I will never stop apologizing until they tell me to stop. (Also sorry if this fragment wasn't very helpful I got a little distracted while typing this-)

But yeah you definitely dodged a bullet with this one. You aren't selfish, I would like to recommend maybe picking up a time consuming hobby or exploring a newer side of music, like writing or songwriting. Honestly if some men are going to act like toddlers then they deserve to be treated as such, and that's insulting to every toddler ever.

Translation: He's an asshole, block him back ma'am.

#trans draco malfoy speaks #this has been relationship advice with draco malfoy #tw: hints of abuse #tw: mentions of gaslighting and manipulation

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destinyc1020 · 3 years

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Wow, Anon #2, you pretty much said a lot of what I was going to say, so I prob don't need to embellish that much lol 😆 😜

Anyway, obviously I don't know Zendaya personally, so everything I say is just based purely on observation and guessing.... So, not really based on fact in other words.

If I had to think of what her biggest weaknesses are, I would say.....

Anxiety -- I think Z has already accomplished a LOT despite her anxiety and fear of making mistakes, but I feel like that underlying fear of "letting ppl down", or "screwing up" (which she has personally admitted to having these fears) holds her captive in a way. I feel like she's incredibly hard on herself. 😔 I sort of understand it, because of her background (Disney), but I do hope that eventually she can loosen up some and realize that living in fear is no way to live. 🥴 I actually think that while ppl can be brutal on Twitter and the gp, I feel like MOST ppl would be able to relate more to her if she were to let her guard down sometimes. We're all human at the end of the day. 🤷🏾‍♀️ Again, this is just my personal read on her.

I also feel like Z has a bit of perfectionism.... which, again.... is usually tied up into anxiety. A lot of times when ppl are anxious about making mistakes, it's because they fear being judged. Plus, Z was really shy as a kid, so when you're shy, a lot of things can seem more traumatic than usual when you're young. I may ruffle some feathers when I say this, but I'm gonna say it anyway.... While I love Disney, I think that being connected to Disney at such a young age (13?) was prob a little more traumatic than ppl realize. 👀 I've seen and heard what young girls especially young girls of color have had to deal with back when they were affiliated with Disney, and it's not pretty. 😔 There's also an element of Disney wanting you to be "perfect" and uphold a certain "image". I think Z has carried some of this with her on some level tbh. I love that Z is so level-headed and thinks things through, but in the future it would be nice to see her do smthg totally "out of character" for a change, and not give two cents about it lol. 😅 I'm not talking about some crazy, wild mess lol, but just easing up a bit on the need to be "perfect". I felt like she was sort of trying that out when she was dating JE, but in reality I think she was just rebounding and trying "new" things or doing things differently to sort of distract herself from a major breakup. Plus, the whole kiss thing, then begging fans to take pics down seemed kind of counterproductive imo. But hey.... it's not my life. 🤷🏾‍♀️ Z says she's working on her anxiety and her need to control and be perfect (which again, is tied up into anxiety) so I'm hoping that she continues to work on it, because anxiety can def be very stifling in life if you don't have it under control. 😔 Anxiety is actually the top main mental and emotional health issue that ppl struggle with in this country. Depression comes in second.

Another observation that I've had (idk if I would call it a "weakness" per se, but I'll mention it anyway) is that I actually think that Z is more emotional than ppl/fans think. I just think she holds things in more. I can't really explain it. For example, I think she's naturally CHILL and "Zen", but I also get the impression that sometimes she doesn't always say what she's really thinking in certain situations, or allow herself to FEEL what she's really feeling. I think she wants to be level-headed and "easy-going", so sometimes she doesn't tap into those emotions that she has buried deep inside. I also feel like she has a hard time just letting go and being vulnerable sometimes in front of other ppl.... hence, why I think it's hard for her to emote onscreen. She's always OVERthinking. Again... anxiety. 🤷🏾‍♀️

And lastly, I would say that Z likes to be RIGHT. Lol 😆 That's what I've observed at least. I think she likes to debate and she can be stubborn at times, and thinks she's right most of the time. But she also seems like the type who will freely admit if she was wrong lol. But yea, I get the feeling that she likes to be right lol. 😅

Again..... this is just my own personal read that I have on her. I could be dead wrong, cuz idk these ppl irl lol. 😅 But those are the the vibes that I get.

Overall though, Zendaya seems like a really sweet person, prob one of the most humble, approachable, and kind-hearted celebrities in her peer group tbh. 😊 She has things to work on (like the rest of us), and she's just doing the best she can to survive an industry that can be pretty harsh and unfair to women (esp woc). 😔

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sweet-xoxo-thatcares · 3 years

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Roomie/Bro

So I got a roommate....well I haven't moved in yet.

um...idk if I should tell them im not used to sharing my personal space with others outside of my family.

Other than university dorms, I thought I would bee making enough after college to live alone. But yea, shit happens.

But what if they ask why my shorts look so lumpy if I get that craving to wear a diaper again on my period?

Or if they hear me talking to myself to try and calm me down while spooning and caressing my head and my chest?

There's a lot of self therapy I had to do to get through living with my mom and my grandma.

And yea, I still do them cause it made me feel safe to be alone, finally, at those times to emotionally release any pent up frustrations without someone telling me to shut up or go be quiet. It was annoying at how these ladies never truly knew how much pain and suffering I was in on the inside and shut off my voice to keep peace for them.

But what was love to them, if being me meant bringing my walls down only to get hurt, and me being insane and emotionally chaotic and unresolved...was some magic secret I kept hidden at how angry I would get.

I think I'll keep myself at a distance from my roommate even though we already seem to have so much in common gender wise and interests in history, music, cooking, and gaming. I don't want it to get weird if my separation anxiety kicks in so heavy from my parents and I start to freak out in front of them.

I wonder will they judge me too or actually reassure me that they're not gonna reject me for being different.

I finally got in touch with a therapist program to help pay for my visits for free, so we'll see how it goes. Also, he/they seemed very nice at understanding my trauma I've experienced with my parents as they went through emotional abuse before too from parents/family.

Im scared, but its a good kind of scared. Being away from mom and dad for too long makes me homesick, but I'll also miss my room on the 3rd floor near the attic.

Im glad my dad approved of it too, at 1st he said I didn't need to roommate and that I should just look for an apartment alone. But pontiac has noooooooooooooooooooo and i mean none available to even rent in, not even Auburn Hills that I could have afforded.

So I would have been stuck to check again for next year. Cause even the waitlists they had were already full. Thats bad when there's so many more ppl looking for a home or apt to rent and cant afford the higher ones at 900 or 1,000. Plus not many available either. Im pretty sure tenants are just staying and renewing their leases cause there's no where else available unless you go alllllll the way to Detroit or maybe Southfield.

Why the hell was it so easy to find apartments and low income housing in Grand Rapids, with a high ass real estate housing market, but in poor ass pontiac aint worth finding shit.

No way in hell was I finna just wait till January. I need an out asap before Thor and Thunder reunite my mother's hand.

Holidays are coming up and everyone in the house gets anxious and more irritable around this time of year....especially my father will be too because of his 1st christmas and thanksgiving without his mom.

I would be crying too, no matter what beef we had.

But he's a big guy, likes to hold in his pain, not even acknowledge it, like he's some cosmic robot.

You cant solve everything on your own Dad. Its ok to admit that you're hurt. You're allowed to feel, you're allowed to be in pain, you're supposed to be sad. Its ok to be sad and feel alone sometimes. Cause I feel it too. That need to not be alone this time of year, but because of a different reason.....Jay's not here and sure as hell wasn't last year Christmas either, no halloween, no happy birthday.....nothing. Not until mid-January with the most dickass response to me pouring my heart out to them 3 months before that.

Cliche. I was better off leaving and not saying anything. Cause she didn't care. And it showed. Who responds to somebody that left them, 3 months ago by saying "Did you send these long ass messages?"

That was the most irresponsible, inconsiderate, inhumane bullshit I ever heard. I wanted to knock their teeth out till bloody mary. Thats how pissed off I was at the lack of care and consideration for my feelings and even to what I had to say. And i said a lot of deep shit from my fucking heart, and this bitch didn't give a fuck. Dry ass, fake ass friend, fake ass love. She didn't care, cause it showed and still does...

Thats why I blocked her right after she sent that bullshitty ass text. And I was already miserable a few days before that text, because I kept dreaming about her and crying and cussing and yelling and screaming because I was so in love with her and yet i was in so much pain for being rejected and leaving her alone. Imissed her a whole hell of a lot more than how much she missed me.

And it showed because she's a dick, now a changed man, with a small dick. Who still acts like an even bigger dick to match the small dick they already had as a packer in their motherfucking jeans for desperate attention.

Yea Im glad im moving out, making a new friend, and not alone on the holidays this year. And im finally getting over that girl, that traitor. Im leaving him alone and moving on with my life, so i can be happy and stop being mad after a year of being angry at her ,her fiancé, my mom, my family, and God himself too.

I need a break and Jesus knows.

Better yet a vacation. Away from hell in Michigan.

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ulookgoodtoday · 6 years

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This is gonna be a long rant

No need to say this but I am a CS, I strongly believe they were in love and actually believe they still are. If you don’t see it I’m sorry for you bc it means you’ve never been in love and seen someone staring at you like they do.  Plus our captain Dinah (and her aunt) made it pretty clear. If you’re in doubt it could also be bc of the narrative stupid managers tried to pull, but honestly anyone can see through it. I suggest you read Emisons Camren theory and post about synchronization (which I found out after I made my mind clear ab Camren) which makes perfectly sense and was confirmed to be true at 98% by ExposingLaucy.

Let me say that of course this is just my opinion and I ALWAYS take into consideration that it could be not real. I respect L and C personal life and never dare to intrude or comment their post on social networks. I want them to be happy and if they are now (I believe they are) I am happy. They can be whom whoever THEY want.

Said so, here’s my delusional Camren theory. It’s not about proving Camren is real but an analysis of their relationship (I tried to be accurate, considering songs, interviews, trustworthy sources, timing).

I believe they had feelings for each other since the beginning (2012-3), especially C, but they genuinely thought they were just friends or that it was nothing serious (ExposingLaucy said C was the one to fell in love - “Mine is Lauren” “Who are u kissing under the mistletoe?” Her obsession with “Normani”- and L slowly fell in love w her). That’s why L gave birth to Camren “it’s Camren yo” (16 oct 2012) and why they were so explicit in the interviews, on camera, tumbrl, twitter, bc they thought it was a joke and were really close. Then ppl started to see what basically they couldn’t see or admit to themselves yet (love in their eyes), ppl started shipping them and assuming they were together but again they brushed it away and even invited us to float that f boat (Nov 2013). I believe if they ever kissed before 2014 it was as a joke, at least for L (“What happened in the elevator?” Feb 2013 DinahJane on twitter. #camrenfeels 28th June 2013 and the photo of them cuddling, L saying “Thanks babe” Feb 2014 and being totally chill with it) and above all they never talked about it.

I know C said back then that her first kiss was at 17 (and everyone assumed it was with Austin but could have been with L - April 2014) and then in a recent interview ab her album she said she was 16 when she had her first kiss so it could be 1) they kissed before 2) they kissed before but as a joke and then, after realizing how they felt for each other, she reconsider that kiss 3) she messed up with her memory, she gets confused by all the bs they made her say during these years. In the same interview she said she had her first breakup at 17, which could be her telling bs and alluding at her breakup with Austin (even tho in other interviews she dismissed that relationship) or what I’ll explain later about her relationship with L.

I think C was the first to realize she had feelings for L and that’s when she wrote “Only told the moon” (where she’s scared ab her emotions and afraid the other person won’t feel the same way) even though she wrote a tweet “only told the moon” in Jun 2015. What we know through EL is that they were both each other’s first kiss and everything. [plus I’m still not over Sep 2013 when C cries singing Who are you and L glances at her every other second].

We assumed Camren real first kiss was in April 2014 (1975 concert) and it is rumored that L broke up w Brad in Dec 2014 after 8 moths. Now, I don’t believe they had an actual relationship but more a fling and not that long (L was supposed to be w Luis Felipe right? They broke up Aug 2014. And in July we have the suspicious Camren’s moans in the bunk). ANYWAY the import part is that Brad wrote I found a girl that goes "she said that she tried but she's not into guys". So now what I think is that that's basically L freaking out about the kiss she had with C because she realized she had feelings for her (so more than friendship), trying to convince herself she's not into girls, rushing into Luis and then B to prove herself wrong, then again going back to C still confused until she figures it out later. Especially when you are bisexual the process can be hard because you try to understand where you stand, if you like boys OR girls, so it’s confusing when you have feelings for both and u try to deny one or the other until you realize bisexual is A THING. The Vamps made it clear that the song is for L and then took a photo with a “Camren is real” sign in the back (well done Brad, you’re an asshole). In the song he also said that this girl started to talk to him about the other girl she was involved with, so he knew who L was in love with.

In 2014 C is in a PR relationship with Austin Moron and I think C wrote The Exchange song (unreleased as well) about that period. I came up with the timing according to a period when they were both dating others; after Chocolate by 1975 was out - we’re dressed in black, head to toe, it’s from that song while C wrote “we’ll be dressed in, all black from head to toe” and twitted it in apr 2015; also C’s tweets with the lyrics of the song - “there’s nothing like me and you and you know it” Apr 2014 - and L indirects. I think it’s ab Lauren also bc she wrote “there’s beats I’ve been skipping when my head is on your chest” and I‘ve never seen C doing that with a boy. Plus the part where she says the other person knows there’s nothing like the two of them and “you’ve been trying to say it ain’t true” so again L rushing into L/B.

Also you can tell that their relationship was never defined properly by the fact that C many times during interviews referred to a relationship she had and described it as “sort of friendship “ or “romantic relationship or whatever that was”( also look for unreleased song of C, she said she wrote it when she was 17, “Like friends do” = I’ll sit straight it the couch like friends so. And I’ll stop kissing your mouth like friends do. Cause I can’t look at you quite like friens do. You don’t say my name quite like friends do).

I think after Brad and A, they were together, during 2015 (that’s when C appeared with the ring - EL said L gave it to C in Feb 2015 - and when they try to hide and look distant in front of the camera, yet close behind cameras) but still in a confused way during all that year, with ups and downs. I’d say C was pretty cool with her sexuality while L had more difficulties; and that explains to me why C cries singing Who are you basically every time (remember the girls co-worked in writing this one, if you look up on google you can see how Camila and Lauren’s names are the first ones written). Also that’s when she could have come up with IHQ bc she said she started writing it two years before it was released (May 2017). “My name was safest in your mouth”, “your voice, it was the most familiar sound” “i was there when no one was” and in the end - this part could have been written back then or in 2017 but either way express a miscommunication- “How do I fix it? Can we talk? Can we communicate” and “Do I wanna fix it? Is it my fault? Do u miss me?”.

I think that Lauren was the one that struggled the most (from the beginning 2013), she also said in an interview (2017) that when she was little was very confused and that people calling her bisexual/gay made her angry because she couldn’t understand how they figured it out and what was about her that made them think that. It’s also tricky was she said just after that. The interviewer asked her “Did your parents know before you came out?” ab your sexuality and she said “yes, they knew before, I was dating a girl AT THE TIME so they had to know”. So ok, who was she dating tho? Lucy? Yeah right.

I think that they had a shit load of pressure from managers to not be together and at least behave in front of the camera. I remember L (think it was Sept 2015) in an interview she said “when life hits love sometimes you just die”, i mean that’s daaark, girl! Anyways, that must have led to a lot of fights between the two of them especially because you can see how in a lot of interviews C kept staring L or doing things that were pointing obviously to Camren while L was trying harder to hide it. I think C might have felt rejected and they didn’t talk about all of this (and you can tell again by their songs that they had relationship where they didn’t comunicate - expectation, something’s gotta give, in the dark, IHQ.. someone put also In your phone but L didn’t write that one).

I think that’s when C wrote Must be love, this songs screams Camren like maybe no other and describes this period. In fact she says she fell hard, that she gets mad and puts on a show, there are highs and lows, everything gets real after two am (secret relationship), that she’s gonna look at her right back and “I promise you won’t like that” (L pissed every time C is explicit) and they fuss and fight but yet she wouldn’t have it any other way.

Also it’s a link to Consequences, which is in the album (in Must be love she goes “I guess everything has consequence”) and this song has no straight-relationship explanation. Through Consequences C describes her relationship w L and what had caused. I believe she is telling us all that she loved L so much she didn’t care about the consequences that came with it, which is f managers treating them like shit, make them hide it and led to them fight as well. It is not coincidence that she wrote this in Jan 2017 after she was out the group. It is not a coincidence that in concert before playing Consequences she always sings Falling in love (“Wise men say only fools rush in” is also the beginning of Must be love). And there are links to “She loves control” in my opinion which I think describes L and maybe the role she played in all this Camren shit. (Ok C has stated that she has OCD but she doesn’t go to club and when she’s in love she fell hard so u know, so much for the control). In Must be love says “you control me more than you’ve ever known” and in Sangria Wine “yo so que tu quieres controlar mi mente” that made me think the person she’s talking ab in She loves control might not be herself but another person. Many were shook about L singing “she doesn’t let me have control anymore” in Strangers which is a HELL of a coincidence but I think Halsey wrote it so I’m not sure whether we should consider it or not.

During 2015 to 2016 we saw a lot of things that suggested the ups and down. Remember that 2015 C had major anxiety problems and a lot of trash was thrown from the fandom (especially after IKWYDLS). C saying she rather date someone out of the industry but “you can’t decide who you fall in love with, UNFORTUNATELY”. Or when they fought in another interview when C was being too obvious bc she said she would marry her celebrity crush (or any crush) even if their parents did not approve, tho she didn’t say who her crush was but “it’s important” and “i’d be in love with my celebrity crush” (she always said it was Lauren). Or when they tried to make each other jealous.

Then 2016 is tricky. They started the 7/27 tour and again we see ups and downs but mostly L more at ease with her feelings for C. I think C was still struggling with her anxiety problems and all the narrative the managers were forcing the 5 of them to follow (they were prep C’s departure). I remember how L broke down 8 Sep 2016 singing No way, she always said that it was her fav song and described it as a dialogue happening in a couple; a toxic situation, two people who wants to be together but know shouldn’t be together and also ppl from the outside telling them they shouldn’t be together (she was so into this song that during a soundcheck she said she actually could imagine a visual and music video for it). She also cried during Scared to be happy and then tweeted after the concert the she got emotional because of the LYRICS. This was in Phoenix after the show in Texas where we saw Lucy. So that made me think she was struggling back then (remember that 4 days before, C left the stage in Missouri for anxiety), trying to figure out what to do between what she felt and also the pressure for the outside (maybe C, sure as hell managers and the PR ready to come).

I think that L in 2016 realized that she wanted to commit, as I said she seemed more at ease with her sexuality. She was happy during photos with CS, she danced with the pride flag, we have the blurry kiss in London (May 2016) in front of Lucy (!!), L even interacted with C during sound-checks and sang Dope to C (who was pretty surprised), she protected her from those balloons, C and L staying one more day in Barcelona, we had the VMAs (August 2016), she called her baby and so on. She seemed very protective. I believe that’s bc they were prepping the Laucy thing and her coming out. EL said they began the process leading to Laucy in June 2016 (remember the two of them in Colombia for L’s birthday, the videos of L dancing BBW to Lucy and so on - Emisonme explained perfectly).

I think that is why she came out in the end, after all this struggles, bc she felt ready, I don’t think she was forced to. Let’s be honest, if she didn’t want to she could have said it wasn’t her in the Laucy photo or she’s not so dumb, you’re at a family wedding and you get caught kissing a girl and the photo got leaked?! I say BS. And then she decided to make a photo book with Lucy as a coming out statement?! If she wasn’t ready to do it, none of this would have happened. I think she did it for two reasons: 1) Trump was pissing her off 2) to tell C that she was ready; they let her do it bc it was convenient for her image and 5h. At the beginning of Havana - the music video - there’s an awkward scene, completely out of context. A guy comes out of a closet and says “I was in the closet” and C “so now, you’re out of the closet?” And he goes, a bit confused, “yes, for YOU”. Like wtf? C, was it necessary?! And don’t let me start with that video. C is watching the tv and you can here a woman saying in spanish “I want to be with Carmen but I can’t “, you can see a figure very similar to L and in the end C said “I love you, but I love myself more” which again made me think she’s the one that walked away in the end. Camila is giving us so many signs if u don’t see this you’re really dumb.

L obviously couldn’t come out without saying there was another girl, otherwise Camren was automatically confirmed in our mind. And who better than your best friend to help you do so and make it believable? Honestly it was a smart move and all the hate, slut shaming and shit Lucy received, she didn’t deserved it. I believe it was PR and that C was aware of this and supported it but it could have also been difficult for her. Even though she knew it wasn’t real, she might have been scared L might get involved for real, especially if you consider the fact that Camren could never be proud and loud, idk. Emisonme on tumbrl explained the Laucy shit so perfectly that I suggest u read it, I agree with everything she said. Again Emisonme explain PERFECTLY why L could come out as bi while C can’t (and she’s so gay she’s shitting rainbows).

I think shit went down tho, and they fell apart. I don’t know if it was bc of management’s pressure or miscommunication or whatever but apparently C walked away (as she said in many interviews that the situation was toxic - not the relationship - in something’s gotta give and Havana music video and in concert before singing Scar Tissue). I think that their break-up happened during that period of L coming out and C leaving/kicked out fifth harmony but that is so messed up I’m not elaborating [Theory: C leaving 5h was always supposed to happen]. Just remember how Dinah’s aunt said that Lauren would be devastated by the fact C left (”I’m pretty sure Lauren is heartbroken and shook, she is probably crying her brain away. But she already knew. If anything Lauren is leaving too. You gotta have your girl’s back. Of course I’m sure they are going to do a duet like on their own, you know, in the bedroom.”)

That’s when L was reaaally pissed at Camren fans (the tweet in Feb 2017), went a bit sassy in interviews avoiding to talk about C, and after “leaving Lucy” she “started dating Ty” (I call PR huge af). The reasons why she was pissed ab CS could be many, for starters I believe they broke up (so that’s one), n2 she came out and faked a relationship with another girl to protect C’s straight image and yet everyone kept believing in Camren, n3 her managers made her pull her straight image as well starting dating Ty to shut us up BUT I believe the real reason is n4 managers wanted to kill Camren (to launch C’s straight image) and destroy her image (as they did with the marijuana shit they pulled) bc even though i think the first three reasons are true and that’s what was going on in L’s mind I don’t think she would attack her fans and C like that. Anyways L tweeted “eyes on the moon” the day the Grammys (Feb 2017) were held and we know who the moon is.

I think C’s the one who walked away also bc of “Make u mad”, which was written mostly by L and she’s pissed y’all. There are also links btw this song and C’s songs. L also sang Back to me, she collaborated in writing the text but I don’t know to what extent but still a HELL of a coincidence.

I think they first met after all this shit at the Grammy’s after party in Feb 2017 but didn’t interact. Camila was there and she said that “In the dark” is about a boy she met there; then we have L who tweeted just the day after the Grammy’s after party ab waking up with hang over and understanding what’s fake and real. Funfact: read the lyrics of In the dark. “Vampires at the same places” we know Lauren is Lamp. L is running and “making rounds with your fake friends” and again “i can see u’re scared of your emotions, i can see you’re hoping you’re not hopeless” “who are u when it’s 3am and u are all alone” “secrets, endless”. Basically she’s asking this person to show her her real self.

Ppl said they met in March/April 2017 (i think) in studio (Diplo’s?) and I think that’s when C came up with All these years (L had longer hair - she had it cut in 2016; she had gained a bit of weight - that’s for arms stronger; her eyes, I mean WE BEEN KNEW; C was not prepared so she didn’t know L was going to be there; it was a quick hello bc they were not fine back then; “sounds like you’re happy with her” could be L’s PR; “wish I loved u like I miss u” implies that she had a relationship with that person but maybe not loved her in the right way or enough to make it last - she confirmed in an interview that this song is about an ex; who does C knows from YEARS? If I hear another SM shipper I’ll throw up)

Anyways I think that towards the mid of 2017 they kinda reconnected and now they’re in good terms. Remember how C said multiple times how even though it was a toxic situation she’d do it all over again. So that makes me think that they loved each other and the problem was mostly all the environment they were into (if the relationship was trash why on earth would she do it again?!) and C is trying to say to L: baby come back to me.

Since this is not a post w the intent of explaining why Camren is real I won’t elaborate.

In conclusion I think they are still in love (C sang it in every possible way) and probably a couple or working on to be one and the problems in their relationship were due to miscommunication and pressure from the outside.

—> Again Emisonme made super clear why they couldn’t be together in the Music business.

Stay strong in this PR shit and let them be. Even if they don’t tell us, doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

Just remember EL said 2018 would be the year of the commitment, 20gayteen everybody.

“I am a lover and a fighter. I will fight for what I love” Go get your girl Lauren

#camren #camila cabello #lauren jauregui #camren is real #camren is love #camren is life #camren is endgame #camrenisotp #camila #pr #20gayteen #lgbtq #rainbow #camren theory #theory #delusional

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realmzenith · 6 years

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elaina ! :)

lays down, mai ily. anyways?? someone pls save elaina she Needs help

What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?fairly long?? but not super long it’d make her anxious. maybe twenty minutes. it’d be a different story if it was a life or death thing tho obv

How easy is it for your character to laugh?difficult. from one to ten w one being v easily she’s like a 7. but for full uninhibited laughter it’s a solid 9. she mostly smiles and when she does laugh it’s at the dumbest things

How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)she’ll lurk on instagram or think which are honestly both bad ideas for her bc instagram makes her depressed bc her social life sux and thinking makes her depressed bc she’s pessimistic and tends to overthink EVERYTHINg. however sometimes she’ll be smart abt it and read a book or look at plant pics or space which will more often than not successfully allow her to relax and get some shut eye

How easy is it to earn their trust?HM not too difficult prbly a 3 if ur nice to her and ur not a complete idiot- ok well. just if ur nice to her bc she literally falls in love w josie an idiot in her storyline

How easy is it to earn their mistrust?moderately difficult she has a hard time accepting that the ppl she trusts are capable of wronging her and usually assumes it was smth she did. she’s kind of an idiot like that so yk :) she’s prbly a 6 on that one? if we’re also accounting for the ppl she moderately trusts. however if we’re only talking abt the ppl she genuinely completely trusts it’s like an 8. she’s not COMPLETELy stupid but still p stupid abt relationships

Do they consider laws flexible, or immovable?rules should be followed. she accepts them as a given and that they will be followed as a given. it’ll srsly throw off her game if someone starts blatantly disobeying the law in front of her even if it is just a nominal thing

What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?she’s not a v emotional person? she does feel deeply but hmm i suppose she is fairly nostalgic. certain melodies played on the guitar would prbly be one of the bigger triggers. her mom used to play and she and her dad would sing like dorks but they?? kind of dont do it anymore and she misses it but she isn’t sure how to ask to do it again. it’s the same w disney movies. they don’t watch them as a fam as much as they used to anymore but they still do on occasion! as for enjoying it she doesn’t rlly like nostalgia?? but she lets herself fall into it frequently

What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child?she was constantly told to talk to the other kids. she’s never been v social or good w ppl as she prefers her small group of ppl she knows and is comfortable w plus she’s an only child so she’s always been forced to socialize esp in casual settings

Do they swear? Do they remember their first swear word?not super frequently. she does say damn bc that’s just the classic xstj swear word, her first she remembers v distinctly. it was “bitch” and completely her older cousin’s fault

What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them?she lowkey feels like her entire life is a lie? she’s a smart gal and gets good grades easily. she’s close to the top of her class and is considered one of the smart kids. but she herself is convinced she’s painfully mediocre and despite her other talents and unique personality traits she’s like :) im sorry for lying to u all i actually have zero interesting qualities and am a drag but ofc she never voices that bc lbr insecurity? ugly and she doesn’t want to lose the few friends she does have bc she dumped her fears on everyone else. she is, as i said, a Mess

How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?she almost always pretends she understands but if she doesn’t feel like there’ll be negative consequences to asking for clarification and she’s feeling confident she’ll bluntly ask the other person to clear things up for her esp in a business type setting such as school projects, etc. it’s situational but socially speaking? she’ll pretend until she Dies

How do they deal with an itch found in a place they can’t quite reach?ask nico to get it or just struggle for ages to try to get it herself

What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color?she likes green and black but thinks she looks p drab in most things. in all actuality she prbly does look sharpest in black but yellow makes her look super cute, brings out a softer side of her. dark green is also flattering on her

What animal do they fear most?hm prbly eels esp electric eels. they freak her out for no particular reason. otherwise, she likes most animals and doesn’t mind most bugs

How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first?she does usually think before she speaks. on the extreme she’ll turn over a phrase abt ten times in her mind before even considering speaking it aloud but that’s rare and only in high stress situations. despite the fact that she does think before she speaks she’s very blunt abt most things. lay it out like it is and all. embellishing sentences or softening her statements is smth she rarely does as she finds it inefficient

What makes their stomach turn?reckless behavior she HATES when ppl do stupid risky crap in front of her she finds it very unnecessary and anxiety inducing

Are they easily embarrassed?oh yes absolutely

What embarrasses them?everything. anything. her existence. ppl flirting w her. her parents. being teased. being incompetent. being singled out for anything. lots of things :)

What is their favorite number?she likes the number 60. no reason in particular it’s just a nice number. cue her friend, nico in the back yelling SIXTY???? MORE LIKE SEXY

If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so?oh oof dont talk to her about love it throws her for an existential crisis. hm but if srsly asked this she’d prbly say smth like “familial love is smth we’re rarely allowed to choose. platonic is more logical and circumstantial, and romantic is a combination of the two in the sense that it’s ur heart’s choice to begin and ur mind’s to continue.”

Why do they get up in the morning? society dictates that in order for an individual to contribute meaningfully to the world, you must get up by 7 am and do whatever lot’s been handed to you. thus she, as a good functioning member of society, gets up in the mornings and drives to school day in and day out as fate has dictated her duty to be

How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)? erratic. she’ll act strangely and become more distant. if it continues for long enough she’ll eventually snap at whoever’s nearest and asking what’s up w her

How does envy manifest itself in them (they take what they want, they become resentful, etc)? it makes her sad tbh sldkfjlkj she’s like welp.. this is the lot i’ve been given if i don’t accept it that’s my problem. then she keeps her head up and carries on

Is sex something that they’re comfortable speaking about? To whom? she prefers not to talk abt sex. she’d be v confused if someone brought up the topic of sex casually tho she isn’t SUPER squeamish abt discussing it it’s just?? unprofessional so why would u? ofc w her s/o she would be more than willing to discuss it in order to smooth out questions or misunderstandings before yk. actually. doing the sex

What are their thoughts on marriage? marriage to her is one of the pillars of society, and while she respects people who don’t want to get married, for herself she views it a checkbox on her list of things she needs to do before she dies. it’s?? like she sort of has a timeline and marriage is on the list of things that need to happen sometime in her twenties. she believes marriage should be a mutually beneficial union based on love and respect and believes that along w family units it’s a wonderful invention. however, despite all of this she kind of doubts she’ll ever get married bc she’s like who would date me lbr here :) and while simultaneously seeking after marriage she’s resigned herself to becoming an eventual crazy old cat lady

What is their preferred mode of transportation? she prefers bullet trains. efficient, usually comfortable, she doesn’t have to drive- what more could you want? she’s also fond of walking if a place is close by. helps her chill

What causes them to feel dread? the feeling that a relationship is falling apart and the divide between herself and the other person is growing. the little things like not waiting for the other person after class or “forgetting” to mention another thing about their day- the small things that point to a relationship breaking down. if there’s one thing she hates more than unnecessary conflict and having to just end things then and there it’s watching things slowly fall apart. that is extremely dread inducing in her opinion

Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth? if u asked her? she’d say she prefers the truth. in reality? she prefers the lie. she internalizes things and oftentimes “unpleasant truths” can weigh her down for ages. frequently enough to note, she’ll allow herself to continue in ignorance rather than accept the reality of the truth which she’ll sort of know she’s doing but just push to the back of her mind in order to avoid the panic that comes with actually confronting the problem. ignorance is bliss and all. nevertheless, in the long run and in hindsight, she prefers the truth as ripping off the bandaid proves easier than pulling out misplaced stitches one by one

Do they usually live up to their own ideals? she doesn’t come close. she has very lofty ideals to which she holds both herself and others around her. she wants to be someone who’s looked up to as strong. she values efficiency, honesty, reliability and genuinely good motives as well as charisma, passion and confidence. she’s doing alright with the first few but the last three are debatable. she’s passionate about v select things and her confidence levels looks like a heartrate monitor

Who do they most regret meeting? herself. she regrets gaining sentience

Who are they the most glad to have met? josie ;) but nico and ale are close seconds

Do they have a go-to story in conversation? Or a joke? nope what’s a Conversation? what’s a Joke? she doesnt know them :)

Could they be considered lazy? that’s a no. she works extremely hard and nearly always carries through. it’s partially her nature and partially a way for her to “make up” for her perceived lack of talents

How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt? extremely difficult but w time she eventually can esp when given the right type of support

How do they treat the things their friends come to them excited about? Are they supportive? that’s. a hard one. she IS technically supportive but that’s only when she recognizes how much the thing means to the other person and she’s honestly rlly bad at reading these kinds of situations, so it’s rare that she actually does. she’ll kinda be like wtf but if she doesn’t recognize the other person is genuinely excited and invested in the thing she’ll do her best to give her own brand of awkward support

Do they actively seek romance, or do they wait for it to fall into their lap?she’ll pursue a romantic interest if enough proof that it’s plausible is given but it’s rare that she gets enough “proof” for this to happen. generally speaking, she kind of pushes her desire for romance down. she’ll worry abt it later or at least until josie shows up eyes emoji

Do they have a system for remembering names, long lists of numbers, things that need to go in a certain order (like anagrams, putting things to melodies, etc)? not rlly? she’ll just go thru things multiple times she’s not the most innovative person when it comes to things like this. route memorization is her go to

What memory do they revisit the most often?;) depends on where in the storyline we’re talking but post story defo the time when she and josie went hiking w some of their other friends and when they reached the summit of the mountain the clouds were beneath the peak n completely coating the sky. it looked like a carpet of clouds, like another world and they shared a bit of a Moment. the little things are what elaina rlly cherishes

How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people?difficult she’s a bit of a critical person. she’s also not the most tactful when it comes to emotional intelligence related situations so ppl will likely find out she does see those flaws in them if they stick around long enough

How sensitive are they to their own flaws?not SO much but she does take things to heart. she’s sort of?? accepted her perceived mediocrity and general dullness but she’s in no way ceasing to attempt to change other things abt herself. so she’ll seemingly take criticisms in stride but they’ll stick w her when she’s Overthinking

How do they feel about children? kids are? good? she likes kids. as for having them, she’s considered it some and she thinks she might like to. at the same time, she also thinks she’d make a terrible parent- too harsh, bad w comfort, easily stressed. in all reality, she’d be better than most ppl as one esp after gaining a bit of confidence

How badly do they want to reach their end goal? rn the goal is graduating and she wants that fairly badly but she doesn’t particularly doubt her ability to achieve it. after that, it’s getting a good job which she also doesn’t overtly doubt as a certainty so yes she does want it but it’s not?? SUPEr concerning except when she begins to doubt her abilities and if she’ll ever feel like her life is fulfilling

If someone asked them to explain their sexuality, how would they do so? she’s lesbian. she’d say it means she’s attracted to women

QUESTIONS FOR CREATORS

A) Why are you excited about this character?baby. she’s gonna find loveB) What inspired you to create them?love, simon! i wanted to write a cute lesbian high school romance so thus josie and elaina were bornC) Did you have trouble figuring out where they fit in their own story?nope!D) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?nope again! she used to be full korean but now she’s half korean and half scandinavian! i think she used to be taller too she’s 5′5″ nowE) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?there are some aspects of each other that would get on the other’s nerves. like i dont think she’d appreciate the wonky outbursts i sometimes have and i’d get annoyed by her lack of social tact/annoyance at the world even tho i lowkey share those traits but otherwise i think we’d get along p well! i think i’d find her cute and i think she’d like my perceived confidence. we share a similar rationality as wellF) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?empathy she’s a big mood tbh and also i want her to be happy G) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?her lack of emotional intelligence. while i like blunt and logic oriented ppl it’d get slightly frustrating after a while to be around someone who’s a lil oblivious to social/emotional cues even if that’s a moodH) What trait do you admire most?her humble diligence. i have to complain twice as much as her to get half the things she gets done doneI) Do you prefer to keep them in their canon universe?i think she’d ALSO do great in a sci fi universe. ha maybe i need to give these kids a sci fi au verseJ) Did you have to manipulate or exclude canon factors to allow them to create their character?not rlly no!

#defenestrata #SFsldkjflskfj GOSH she sounds so depressing in this #i swear she's actually not this depressing #usually #i mean she's just got low self esteem ??#anyways i lov mai thanks for comign to my ted talk #elaina #triad #my ocs

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unproduciblesmackdown · 6 years

Text

i seen a few times ppl like implying that the positive char development that the donuts are getting via their experiences has anything to do with them having Needed A Break from each other.......i’m truly bemused like. are you talking about this in terms specifically of their Relationship to each other? b/c frankly the way i was seeing it is that their relationship prior to these arcs was actually in a fairly chill place, and that they had figured out a lot of things abt their own / each others needs in terms of it that had been causing them problems and all. obviously i wasnt thinking like “guess everythings perfect for them now” since i mean it wasnt even clear they were like for sure officially ~together~ but also b/c why would it be when they’d just started to be able to have a more solid handle on their own mutual deal

but also like. the only thing we can really say is that sadie quit the big donut and got “yolo” knuck tats because there was nothing at all adequate abt the job w/o having a coworker to hang out w and the fact that lars just went off and died is like, well then live for the fuckin moment i guess huh. like that situation isnt even caused just by the fact that lars is absent, like maybe he’s on vacation or something. its that he, again, died and is still in danger and nobody knows for sure if/when he’ll get back. maybe she wouldn’t’ve started a garage band if that hadn’t happened, but its not like if she had done that and lars was still there, she would definitely be prevented from doing anything involving pursuing her interests, like. idk hopefully nobody thinks that ppl in relationships can’t have independent pursuits or focus on their personal interests

meanwhile there’s no point in saying that anything lars is doing requires sadie’s absence either. its more sort of say the absence of absolutely everyone on earth save steven for a bit there. like sure it was a factor that they got separated the way they did and he felt bad for being too panicky to help her but, same as with sadie, that has nothing to do with benefitting directly from her not being there. and its not like being separated from sadie was the One Reason he was able save everybody and get them all on a spaceship. there was like half a dozen factors there; to suggest if sadie had been there he wouldn’t be able to do this is.....i dont even know...

like fr this whole time for the both of them, the other has been probably the person they’ve been most comfortable being most like themselves around, and not feeling the kind of pressure from each other that generally stifles them in most other situations (like how lars is afraid of how ppl (he presumes negatively) judge him, how sadie feels bound by various expectations for what ppl think she’s really like (but isn’t really like))...the fact that they’re both getting to explore these different sides of themselves isnt really anything they couldnt do back on earth together. the events that happened to separate them (and separate lars from like all of earth...just to reiterate..) just happened to give them a real boost along the lines of making these decisions that impacted their development and gave them these totally new roles within totally new experiences

this is like ppl who have some idea that lars “needed” to die. like, even when its not just ppl who think so badly of lars’s char that they Wanted him to die, but rather looking back on the fact that that happened and he was killed/revived real quick lol—lars didnt Have to do that to have the development of getting to actually fight to protect others and himself and gain some confidence. he wouldve done that whether or not it had actually killed him—when he let the guys scan him without knowing it WOULDNT kill him was arguably enough to give him the same development as if the one hadnt blown up at him suddenly. and i mean, the space piracy is given a fun angle because its cool and genre, but none of them are doing it for fun. they’re trying to get to earth and not fuckin die along the way. lars is getting to continue Experiencing Some Confidence for the first time in probably ever but to present the situation he’s in and how he’s gotten there as something he “needed” is a bit cruel lol...he coulda done that on earth

like yeah if they were both living their normal lives you dont Know that some normal earth event would make them quit and sadie pursue her interests and independence while lars is put in a situation where he feels like he Belongs in a group and has confidence in himself and his ability to do like, anything. but thats coz events sort of just happen at you randomly. like how the event of being attacked by aliens basically led to this for them...it wasnt the Only Way these things could happen, its just The One Way That They Did

and like i also dont quite see that these changes theyve gotten to go through are going to put them in a perfect version of a relationship when lars gets back to earth...they still dont have the longest history of feeling kinda secure in the fact that the other really does actually like them ok, and this whole time theyve been teenz so what do you expect them having a smooth tumult-free development for, and having positive (and negative) experiences separately doesnt just automatically translate into an instantly leveled up relationship the moment they stand within 10 ft of each other again. they gotta catch up and relearn where each other is at and what their new lives and wants and needs are...and just coz their positive development might make it a bit Easier for them if some of their strongest insecurities are a lil blunted now & plus just that being happier tends to make everything easier, doesnt mean that everything is simply effortless. tbh if a relationship is effortless and stays together forever thats less Romantic And Ideal than like, sheer luck.

and it’s unrealistic (in life and in how the show doesnt make a character complete an emotional arc in a single episode or suddenly shed a defining trait just because they realize they ought to change their approach re: something or other) to think that either lars or sadie have like, completely shed all their issues as individuals anyways. and i mean, its their issues that drove them to make these changes theyre currently on. sadie being frustrated with her job, feeling unable to be herself = the motivations that means she’s now really actively pursuing what tf she feels like doing and pushing for it to continue and for it to be in line w what she wants it to be. but she’s not suddenly freed from all insecurities or feeling like everything’s perfect forever and she can never feel stifled again. plus yanno this whole time she freakin misses lars coz they’re friends and that’s not like...something she’s needed to do. absence makes the heart grow fonder but “be apart from each other indefinitely” isnt any kind of a relationship requirement. its just painful and all.

and lars knowing what its like to be afraid all the time and being frustrated abt it means he was so pushed to all at once finally stand up against what he’s scared of that he went and got himself killed, and also that he doesn’t feel the same social pressure he did on earth amongst the off colors, because he knows they know what its like to be scared all the time too—which ppl back on earth didnt understand about him. and so its the fact he’s so familiar with fear and stress that he’s able to fight for them and himself so hard now. but it’s not like you can just Decide your lifelong anxieties out of existence. after a dramatically changing experience, you’re not gonna be the same person you were before, and you’re not gonna be a totally different person. lars isnt some different person unaffected by fears or insecurities anymore. like heck he was still afraid that sadie actually didn’t miss him at all and was maybe even glad that he was gone, something that was completely in line with who he’s been and how he’s felt this whole series. and people go and be annoyed b/c i guess they expect him to just be a character Completely Changed by one dramatic yet brief part of his life rather than a character who’s still just developing and shaped by all his past experiences actually. and who, no, didnt get to choose to shed all fear b/c thats not how it works. he still feels it, he just finally got the taste of taking action anyways. plus even now that he’s not stuck in a crisis over thinking sadie might just hate him now, tbh he does still need to hear it from her that she doesnt lol)

also? tbh? lars’s Whole New Thing has been happening while he’s (mostly) isolated on a spaceship, w just the offcolors and maybe occasional interactions w hostile aliens, which hardly counts as socializing. and sadie’s whole thing of being herself and pursuing her own desires is still happening just around the cool kids really—not to mention all behind a persona. it’s actually not even that like, a lack of confidence = lack of stage fright or vice versa. its a whole other thing for her to stand up for herself and make her own choices in areas that have nothing to do with her band, even though the experiences within the band will help and give her a starting point and something to feel secure in. just like when lars is back on earth and off the ship, he won’t have the same role he has just around the off colors, just being the front of that band in his own, more imperiled, less musical way. and just coz he knows he can hold his own against destructive imperialistic colonizing aliens, doesnt mean he’s gonna be fearless in the face of the cool kids now, or think he can do anything. he’s still faced with the expectations and perceptions from ppl that he did before he left, even if the way ppl act with lars can easily change now. again, just coz things might be easier for the dnuts now doesnt mean they’ve just shrugged off their problems or are now faced with effortless paths in all aspects of their lives

theyve needed a break from the norm they used to have, but Each Other was the least of what was holding them back from changing things up for themselves. it was completely external events as much as anything else that changed things up for them, coz thats how it works sometimes—and within their new circumstances theyve gotten to experience a new situation that lets them be a bit different than they’ve gotten to be back on earth. i mean, they were really restricted. they had the terrible job, both have somewhat strained relationships w parents who dont seem to really understand who their child is, both of them feel pressured by people in general, both have insecurities, both were kind of just faced with a future that didnt involve them being able to just see happiness coming down the line. and it was a big problem for both of them tbh that neither of them really had any friends. sadie was finding it difficult to express herself or be herself, she was always in a scenario where someone (her mom, corporate policy, customers,) expected her to be a certain way that wasnt the real her, she had a crap job, nobody really seemed to know her, her tendency to Hold Back Until You Blow Up could be counterproductive to say the least. lars is stuck in the same job, with nobody thinking he’s particularly good for anything, even his parents not really expecting him to succeed in any way, desperately wanting friends but being too afraid of people to make any, being defensively irritable and pushing people away but unable to be angry on his own behalf. they’re both getting their first chance to be themselves, they’ve both stumbled into Friend Groups where they’re not only respected but supported and even esteemed, they’re both making and acting on choices completely on their own and not being as held back by their fears. but they’re the same people and none of this means the problems they’ve been dealing with are over because of it. they’ve just been forced to adapt to this change that’s come upon them, and they’ve both happened to make the most of it and be getting something positive out of a really crap situation. they could be having these arcs via a different scenario, but it would probably have to be more drawn out if nobody was in fuckin space

getting away from me slightly but its weird to say that lars and sadie Needed to be separated by lightyears thru a horrible experience and one of them is killed and still in space indefinitely. and i dont know how you’d describe what’s happening there as “a break.” that not only implies that they chose to be separated but that they have had the option to be together this whole time and continuously chosen not to, and have considered this whole experience to be a positive thing. an involuntary separation where both really wish they weren’t separated isnt a break. and to say that either of them Need to be separated in this particular way, like, man you know what their relationship needs? someone to be sent an impossible distance away & he died and might die again and might be unable to return. like, no relationship needs that or anything like that. it’d be affected by it sure, and they might be able to find silver linings in it as they have, but its never going to be necessary.....like, fucks sake if it was, how fucked up would that be

again a break would have to be something voluntarily chosen that they believed would be positive for them both, not that they believed would involve mortal peril. and they like, arent enjoying the fact theyre separated. and what the characters are going through is more about their individual developments than how it necessarily applies to their relationship—again i’d argue their relationship was in a decent place actually. not perfect obv, but good...i mean look at how good they both were at recognizing what they were both struggling with re each other. lars didnt Almost Die or anything, until later. and i imagine this stuff is going to help, but not in a “if this hadnt happened their relationship would be doomed” way. and again it is kinda wild to say that any of this might be required of them for any reason, they’re really going thru some shit w all this

anyways 🍩

#what a surprise....thought this was gonna be a short n snappy post #long post ///#donuts #my phone has hated me the whole time b/c again i didnt expect it to be so long and got stuck typing this in the mobile app #(if the app would actually let you Select All on text posts i couldve moved it to the notes app. but for whatever reason i cant and dont #want to imagine; the ‘’only letting u select one paragraph at a time’’ kind of forces you to just forge ahead after a certain point of no #return)#if this is all ‘’oops couldnt post!! so it has to be deleted’’ abt this i’m going to kill it 🔪

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youmaycallmebrian · 4 years

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I really feel like garbage right now.

See, here's the thing: I am a very anxious person (been medicated for it for years so i'm very functional, but I still have like an anxious temper), and my anxiety has some symptoms that can sometimes manifest themselves in the form of perfectionnism, and a huge fear of not being good enough at whatever i'm doing. I don't know if it's because I have a huge ego and I don't want to look incompetent to other people or if it's because I have very high expectations for myself... Either way, it's not good. Both situations are bad, imo.

I also happen to be a very, very, very sensitive person. I cry very easily.

So, when i'm at work and I get a comment about the fact that whatever i'm doing is not done right or is inappropriate, it really fucking gets to me. Not in the sense that I'm mad at the person who made the comment: I can't be mad at them for doing their job and helping me improve and becoming better at what I do. Plus, I work with babies, so it is important to be impeccable in everything you do with them because they're at a very critical period of their lives and i mean, they're human beings so there is no place for mistakes. I totally get that and I agree.

However, whenever someone corrects me, it always makes me feel... so awfully bad... Like, it raises up my emotions so much that it makes me cry. And again, I don't know if I feel that bad because it hurts my ego to be seen as "not doing a perfect job" by a colleague or if it's because I'm not reaching my own personal expectations and i'm disappointed in myself. Or maybe it's both. Being honest, I think it's the ego but I really really hate that, because I feel like having a big ego is such a negative thing and not something I would feel proud to be "hurt" about. I feel like it's a very shameful quality to have.

So anyways, i was at work and i said something to a baby that i thought was just funny but my coworker said like "this is very inappropriate" and i said like "whoops sorry I didn't know" and now looking back at it I get why it was inappropriate and I agree and all, but as soon as I was alone i just started crying because, like i said before, it hurts me a lot to be corrected because it makes me feel so incredibly ashamed of myself. I think that's the feeling: shame. Humiliation.

I didn't want anyone to know I cried for that because I didn't want them to think I was mad at my coworker who made the comment (i am not mad at all at her, i agree with what she said and it is important to call ppl out when they mess up so they can improve and also bc we're dealing with babies here and they deserve the best treatment bc they are humans). And I don't like to cry in front of people when it's for such a dumb shameful reason. So I tried to hide it as best as possible but another co-worker noticed and she was like "are you okay? Is it because of what [coworker's name] said? Is there anything I could do to help you?" And while I appreciate the kindness, I tried to explain, that i wasn't mad at the coworker, I was mad at me and i begged her to please not let said-coworker know i cried (she was gone, in the dormitories at this moment so she -hopefully- didn't hear) and then she said "sure, you can go to the bathroom and come back whenever you are ready" so i did (thank goodness she was a sweetheart) and when i came back i pretended that i had to go to the bathroom bc my contact lenses hurt my eye and i had to go remove it (even put my glasses on to avoid further suspicions) and i fucking hope that the coworker who made the comment on me believed my dumbass story about my contact lenses and doesnt know i cried bc god damn it, i would be way too fucking ashamed to confront her about it and i really really really don't want drama or conflict in my work life and uuuuuuugggghhhhhhhhh

Sorry for the novel-lenght post but it felt good to express and sort out my feelings and now my break is almost over and i'm terrified someone will bring this situation up and i'll start crying again and omg i hate this

P.S. In case someone tells me "just don't cry", i just want u to know that i fucking wish i could repress my tears and control it bc crying in front of ppl is already humiliating enough like that but unfortunately i can't. I cannot repress my tears and if i could, believe me i would. So if u DARE tell me i cry for attention, bitch i will cut you.

#rant #sorry it was long

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peachyrue · 5 years

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tw for literally everything

i’m big and i feel like i need to rant abt why i age regress so here i go.

i always felt loads of pressure to do well as a kid bc i was pretty bright and i was always top of my class. it wasn’t that my parents directly told me to put pressure on myself per se but they certainly made their expectations clear in regards to my work; they wanted me to study hard. as a result of this, i felt like i had to be mature and act older than i was. by the age of 8 i’d read jane eyre fgs. i used to stress so much abt working hard that i forgot to relax and just be a kid.

after i left primary school, it only got worse. the workload got larger and i had way more homework than ever before. plus, there was now added pressures — i started to get insecure abt my body and quickly became bulimic. by the age of 11 i was making myself throw up on a regular basis. then came the self harm. it started with digging my nails into my palms when i got anxious and soon developed into cutting. i’d slice into my thighs and hope the fat would melt away. it was around this time that i started feeling symptoms of anxiety; i’d get panic attacks and often feel trapped and suffocated in lessons. it was becoming harder and harder for me to focus on studying bc i was so consumed by negative thoughts.

when i was 12, i went to my first concert. it was somewhere shady, somewhere i definitely shouldn’t have been but i was there with an older friend so i figured it’d be fine. after the band finished the set, i went to the toilets whilst my friend waited in the bar area and i was confronted with an older man. i tried to get past him to get to the women’s but he stood in front of me and blocked the way. he tried to grab my shirt but i moved backwards out of the way so he pulled me to the side into an alcove kind of place and shoved me against the wall. i wanted to scream but all i could do was cry. he touched me all over as i tried to get the words out to tell him to stop. he left me there when more ppl started to come near where we were and i just broke down on the floor in the middle of some dodgy club.

my friend eventually found me and took me home and i told her what happened, i trusted her with that information. turns out that i shouldn’t have bc i had a petty argument with them and they told all of our mutual friends what had happened, twisting the story to paint me as someone who slept around.

my self harm peaked after that and i was cutting almost every day. when i was around 14, i started burning myself too. i’d heat up coins or other little metal objects with a lighter and press them onto my skin in an attempt to feel anything other than numbness. my bulimia was worse than ever and i was gaining and losing weight at an alarming rate. after i got molested, i started washing excessively (which i still have issues with). to this day, i have to have 2 showers and a bath every single day just to keep me from having a breakdown.

my grades were suffering and my parents were getting frustrated that i wasn’t meeting deadlines so i buried myself in work again, my sole focus studying. my friendships were deteriorating and i had a string of boyfriends that i quickly broke up with. this did nothing to help my reputation as a slut.

it was also around this time that i started questioning my sexuality. it wasn’t that i was homophobic towards others but i never imagined that i would be anything other than straight. ig i just repressed it so much that it almost disappeared. my dad’s side of the family is rlly homophobic and many of them didn’t take it well when i came out and most of them still don’t know bc it wouldn’t be safe for me to tell them. my parents were rlly understanding and i introduced them to my girlfriend at the time. i had just started therapy at this point and i was starting to get better. then the emotional manipulation and gaslighting started. she made me feel worthless and disgusting and i started to injure myself again. she’d cause arguments and then say it was all my fault and i believed her. i believed her for so long. until one day i didn’t anymore.

that’s why i age regress. it’s so i don’t have to be reminded of all the shit that’s in my mind: the things i’d rather forget ever happened, the things i wish never had.

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