Sandstorm ; Hong Seunghan
Pairings: Bf!Seunghan x Gf!Reader
Genre: Angst, Break up
Warnings: toxic relationship, use of swear words, suggestive content and mention of sex. reader is extremely insecure and seunghan is low-key manipulative.
Description: The complexities of a tumultuous relationship between two people who love each other but struggle to see eye to eye. They attempt to compromise and reconcile but realise that with each other, they are like a violent sandstorm.
Based on Sandstorm by Mereba feat JID.
“we were low, we were high, jekyll, hyde”
‘all i’m asking you to do is trust me. for once.’
it wasn’t uncommon for you and seunghan to be arguing, only this time you thought it would be able to wait till after your 6 year anniversary dinner.
you loved hong seunghan, with every fibre of your being, but lord did he get under your skin.
the honeymoon phase of your relationship was bliss.
rarely would you argue, just eager to be wrapped up with the other, letting your bodies do the talking.
but that was years ago, a distant memory.
it wasn’t like you enjoyed fighting with seunghan, no you hated it actually.
you would feel like you were slowly losing your mind, being gaslit as you struggled to keep your words tame.
‘trust. you? how could i trust you when you let her rub all up on you,’ you were practically seething, nails digging into your palms as you desperately tried to hold your tongue.
‘oh come on. she wasn’t rubbing herself on me at all. you always do this baby.’
there it was.
seunghan had deep issues with establishing boundaries with other women.
at first you found it weird that he had a particularly high number of female friends, but you brushed it off due to his friendly nature.
you soon came to find out that this was all a mistake.
he was always adamant, ‘that girl was just trying to be friendly’, ‘i swear she’s a childhood friend, there’s no way she would have feelings for me.’
but you knew. you weren’t blind to the way these girls all looked at seunghan.
it was the same way you looked at him.
and he let them, often times even encouraging them and it caused you to go insane.
‘just drive and stop fucking talking,’ you could tell he wants to say more, but the look you give him gets him to shut up, and makes the drive back to your shared apartment relatively silent.
when you got back you practically flung open the front door, kicking off your shoes and heading to your kitchen to pull out a drink.
‘you shouldn’t drink when you’re mad,’ seunghan stood by the enterance, your shoes in his hand as he watches you.
‘maybe you should stop making me mad then,’ you retorted back, ditching the shot glass and raising the tequila bottle to your lips.
it burnt as it slid down your throat, but did nothing to quell the pit of fire in your chest, furious at your boyfriend.
‘that’s enough,’ you didn’t even notice when he was by your side, as he snatched the bottle from your hand, screwing the cap back on and placing it on top of the cupboards, out of reach.
‘give it back,’ you sounded like a spoilt child, folding your arms.
‘no turning to drinking when you’re upset. we’ve talked about this.’
the tone of his voice did something to rile you up as you stepped closer to him.
‘don’t talk to me like i’m a child,’ you poked his chest, knowing how much it annoyed it.
‘it’s getting kind of frustrating watching you blow up over nothing and taking it out on me,’ he spoke to gritted teeth and you scoffed.
‘nothing? so that girl didn’t try to slide you her number with the bill.’
he was silent, trying to come up with a rebuttal but you didn’t let him.
‘honestly i’m getting sick of seeing you let girl after girl do whatever they want with you. what kind of boyfriend are you?’
‘the kind that puts up with you. nobody on this planet would be able to put up with your bratty attitude,’ your face fell at his harsh words and he could tell he struck a nerve.
‘you know i didn’t mean that babe i’m sorry. i just wanted us to enjoy our anniversary and not fight,’ he felt bad watching you sniffle as you blinked back some tears.
‘i hate when you say stuff like that,’ you mumbled, playing with your fingers.
in an instance his arms were around you, and he bent down to place a kiss on your lips.
‘my sweet girl, forgive me?’
it was hard to say no when he said it like that, when his eyes bore into yours, his palm massaging the flesh of your hips.
you nodded, still honestly not over it, but you figured there would be no point in arguing about it tonight.
‘good girl. let me fuck that attitude out of you.’
you believed that those moments when you were under seunghan, his arms either side of your head, chain dangling over your face, were when your chemistry shone the most.
he would whisper sweet nothings, about how your pussy belonged to no one else but him, about how good you were taking him.
‘look at you angel. such a good fucking girl,’ he enunciated each word with thrusts, your whines only egging him on.
‘eyes. open,’ he would demand.
he told you that looking into your eyes, watching as you struggled to keep them open, how you could barely look at him as your mouth fell open was a sight he wanted to remember forever.
eye contact during sex was a big thing for him and was always enough to finally send him over the edge, hugging you close into his chest as he filled you up.
eventually you would forget about whatever argument you might have been having, letting him trace shapes on your bare shoulder, kissing every single mark on your body.
‘just fight the feeling, it’s all we do. Inside it’s killing me, baby.’
‘it happened again?’ yunjin asked, and you cowered under her sharp gaze, nodding.
‘i told you that boy was bad news bestie. constantly surrounded by women, you can’t think that was all a coincidence.
your best friend, yunjin, was not the biggest fan of your relationship.
she was there for the many nights you would break down in her arms, body shaking as you sobbed about how inadequate and unnatractive you felt.
she was always on the other end of the phone as you rambled on about the girls that would constantly throw themselves at your boyfriend, and moreover how he did virtually nothing to stop them.
‘girl..’ yunjin’s voice trailed off and you knew what she was going to say.
‘i’m not doing it yunjin. i can’t break up with him,’ you protested, violently shaking your head.
sure seunghan sometimes made you want to stick his head in a blender.
but he was yours, and you were his, and you wouldn’t want it any other way.
these were the conflicting emotions that you both felt towards each other.
there was the want to fight your feelings, the mention of breaking up not foreign in your most heated arguments, but it would truthfully kill you both inside.
other people thought they were crazy, friends and family finding it hard to comprehend why they were both holding on to a relationship that caused so much pain, but you just couldn’t help yourselves.
‘yunjin is not your biggest fan right now,’ you teased seunghan later as you both sat at the table eating dinner, chatting about each others day.
‘i wish you would stop involving your friends in our problems,’ irritation was clear in his tone and you were suddenly in a not so playful mood.
your smile dropped and a scowl settled onto your face.
‘seriously hannie, i’m allowed to talk to my friends about my feelings. the same way you told sungchan when my whining was becoming too much for you,’ you were bringing up old situations, but your point still stood.
‘dont bring that up. i apologised for that already,’ he sighed, spoon now abandoned as he sat back.
‘all i’m doing is highlighting your hypocrisy,’ you always had something to say, always had to have the last say and seunghan was growing tired of it.
‘sure, forget i even said anything. are you done?’ he stood up, changing the topic as he planned to escape to the kitchen, using washing the dishes as an excuse.
‘walking away because you know you’re in the wrong. sounds like some shit you would do,’ he paused in his tracks placing the plates down on the counter top.
‘it’s always one thing or the other with you. if it’s not a girl, it’s my actions,’ he mumbled, but of course you still heard him.
‘maybe if you stopped doing things that would make me upset then we would not be having these issues.’
‘here we go. is it my fault that your ex cheated on you, why do i have to shoulder all of your frustrations,’ his voice rose a little, something he only did when he was really mad, but he had managed to really piss you off.
‘fuck you hong seunghan,’ you stormed off into your shared bedroom, slamming the door and only reopening it to throw out a pillow and some blankets.
‘i don’t think i’ll be able to sleep next to you without strangling you. take the couch,’ and then the door was shut again.
in the recent year, he had become accustomed to finding refuge on their couch, seeing as you were kicking him out of your room more and more.
he was past the phase of shouting at you to stop being ridiculous, or standing outside of the door demanding to be let back in.
there was just no point.
so he continued what he was doing, washing plates, wiping the stove clean, re arranging the glass cups.
he grabbed a granola bar and some juice from the fridge before settling on the couch, turning on the tv, flicking through channels for something to watch.
this lasted for about three days, neither of you speaking to the other.
he would leave breakfast out for you before going his own way, folding your laundry and leaving it outside the door.
you would make sure to make dinner when you got home first, both of you on opposite sides of the couch as you ate in silence.
you would notice him struggling to moisturise his back and be behind him in no time, reaching the spots he couldn’t.
all of these things were done without any words, and only worked because you knew each other so well.
six years being in a relationship, seunghan knew your body language like the back of his hand, and the same was said for you.
if you let out a little huff whilst trying to reach a bowl from the top shelf you would instantly see the extra arm extending above your head to help you.
after a meal you would rub small circles on your stomach and he would already be in the kitchen, water boiling as he got out the bags for your green tea.
when it got to saturday, one of the only days in the week where you would both be in the house, you realised how much you missed him.
the birds were chirping, the gentle lull of the music playing from your speaker as you leaned on the counter, tapping your foot as you waited for the hot water.
seunghan comes up behind you, head resting on your shoulder as his arms come around your waist.
you stay in this embrace, taking in each others air as you swayed from side to side in a soft rhythm.
it was moments like this, something so domestic , no words needed, just pure displays of affection.
he would kiss the top of your head, lifting you to sit on the top of their counter top as he picked up where you left off.
you watched your boyfriend with adoration in your eyes as he reached for your favourite mug, making tea just the way you like it.
‘it’s hot,’ he warned you as he saw how eager you were to bring the cup up to your lips.
‘so are you,’ you joked, really just missing the sound of his voice.
all feelings of disdain melted away once you heard the sound of his deep, hearty laugh, and the way his eyes would dissapear as he smiled widely.
gesturing for him to come closer, you waited till he was in between your legs, hands on your thighs, before you latched your arms around his neck.
he gave you a quick peck on the lips, just missing the feeling of your skin under his fingertips.
‘i love you,’ you mumbled, heart thumping as he his hands now come around your bare waist.
‘i love you too, my angel.’
and just like that it would feel like you were both on cloud nine, spending the entire day by each others side.
you would watch different rom coms, making fun of the dumb female lead and the cringy male lead, seunghan sometimes trying to imitate them.
you throw your head back in laughter, clutching at his hoodie sleeve to get him to stop, gasping for air.
when you told him you were craving pasta he was quick to jump to his feet.
‘chef seunghan to the rescue,’ he grinned as he scurried to the kitchen, making a big show out of everything.
you got your phone out, recording every step as he would exaggerate the way he cut up his ingredients, or go on about his imaginary culinary expertise.
‘you know this all reminds me of the summer of ‘07. most of our chefs had retired for the night and i was supposed to follow,’ he had began his ministrations.
‘ but then, a lovely old italian couple comes bursting through the door. i need the greatest pasta one could ever taste he basically demanded.’
‘the only experience i had back then was the ratatouille movie but you know what, i had faith from the crew i would deliver. and deliver i did.’
you could no longer contain your giggles, bursting into hysterical laughter as you practically rolled around on the floor.
‘haters ‘gon hate. you wish you were as amazing as me,’ he flicked his imaginary hair over his shoulder.
‘it smells like the pesto is burning, chef seunghan.’
‘oh shit.’
telling you his fake stories had taken away all of his attention, and he soon forgot about what he had originally set out to do.
so even though the sauce was charred, you still ate with gusto. all because seunghan had made it.
‘can i just say you would make an excellent housewife. look at you washing those dishes,’ you said, a teasing glint in your eye.
seunghan gasped, before splashing water in your direction, the sound of your squeals like music to his ears as you tried to shield yourself.
‘stop, i’m sorry. fine you win, no malewife for me,’ you push him away, saying the last part as if you were actually mad.
you both often joked about seunghan’s passion for cooking and cleaning being the perfect formula for a traditional wife.
you would tease him about retiring him so he would sit at home looking pretty as he cared for your kids.
his eyes narrow, a hand snaking around your waist as he tugs into his chest.
you press yourself closer to him, his scent now in your orbit as you nuzzle into his sweatshirt, enjoying his scent.
‘this is nice, i wish we could stay like this forever,’ he murmurs, heart fluttering as he pressed a kiss on the top of your head, wrapping his arms around you just a little tighter.
‘come sleep with me tonight?’ you lifted your head from his chest to ask and he grinned, kissing you again.
‘i want to kiss you. properly,’ seunghan confessed.
"then why won't you?"
"the problem is..," he leaned in as he spoke to you.
"if i kissed you i don't think i'd be able to stop."
"who said i wanted you to?"
he paused and beamed at you, and then he smothered you in kisses.
on the mouth, your cheeks, neck, telling you over and over again that he loved you as you laughed and clutched him.
every time he said it, you felt the words wrap fill her up.
they wrapped themselves around you, providing comfort, making you feel safe and cherished, pushing out any doubt.
he said it like he meant it.
he said it as if it was common knowledge, a fact that had been proven by scientists before.
seunghan loved you.
and you loved him back.
just two souls full of love, unable to depart from each other.
but as was always said, there was a thin line between love and hate.
you had only lasted two weeks before your next explosive argument.
‘but then i remember that you got a temper and i got no filter.’
‘you’re blowing this out of proportion,’ seunghan calls after you as you find yourself once again angry in your house.
what should have been a fun night for the both of you had quickly turned into grounds for yet another argument.
‘blowing what out of proportion? did she or did she not kiss you?’ your nostrils flared and your head felt hot.
anger surged through your veins and you couldn’t control your temper.
‘would you just listen to me. you know i would never do that to you, it just-‘
‘do i want to hear yet another excuse from you hannie? it’s always poor me i had no idea that the attractive girl i’m flirting with would take it the wrong way,’ you cut him off, a trait of yours he didn’t like.
‘i was not flirting. honestly can we act like adults. please,’ he pleads, but it only makes you want to be more childish.
‘i should say the same thing mr i couldn’t say no to her.’
‘here we go again,’ he massaged his temples, the stress starting to weigh on him.
‘yes here we go again. is setting boundaries so fucking hard for you.’
‘language,’ he speaks curtly, reminding you of how much he hated when you used harsh language against him.
‘don’t tell me how to speak. answer my fucking questions hong seunghan.’
‘i did set boundaries what do you mean? i very clearly pushed her away and told her to never try that again,’ he was exasperated, unable to understand how someone else’s wrongdoing was his fault.
‘great fucking job. setting the boundary after she already tried to stick her tongue down your throat,’ your tone was dripping with sarcasm, and you even started slow clapping.
‘be honest, you wanted to fuck her didn’t you?’
‘for god’s sake. can you stop,’ he was reaching breaking point, exhibiting great restraint so that he didn’t say anything he would regret.
‘that’s what this is about, isn’t it? you must have been having a field day, she was even wearing a cute little red dress, your favourite colour,’ you went on, your insecurities catching up to you once again.
when things like this occurred it served as a constant reminder that your boyfriend was attractive and that many girls would be willing to be in your place.
your track record with guys was not the best, one cheating on you with a close friend, the other a cousin.
you had a long history of being let down and heartbroken by men.
there was always a nagging voice in your mind that it was only a matter of time before seunghan followed suit.
‘i can’t do this anymore,’ he ran his hand through his hair, his body leaning on the kitchen counter.
‘ah so you can go back to minjeong. please don’t let me stop you from achieving your fantasies,’ you picked up your bag, searching for your own car keys, hoping he wouldn’t be able to see the hot tears streaming down your face.
‘here you go, running away from your problems instead of facing them. we can’t keep doing this you know.’
‘then maybe we shouldn’t anymore ,’ your words shocked him and he froze on the spot.
‘find a girl who isn’t as shitty and insecure as me, and maybe i might find one man that doesn’t feel like cheating on me,’ you chuckled bitterly, looking like a mad woman with one shoe on, the other in hand.
his chest was heaving at this point, his ears red hot as he waited for your next move.
‘do you really mean it,’ he asked quietly, his voice barely above a whisper as his eyes started getting glossy.
shrugging you slipped the second shoe on and grabbed your jacket, leaving an emotional seunghan behind.
‘so we’re like a sandstorm, when we get to blows.’
this was the nature of your arguments.
like a sandstorm they were intense, and volatile, like the blowing winds of conflict that brought about the chaos and the inability to find solace or resolution in each others actions.
emotional turbulence consumed both parties as they clashed.
they carried the pain of failed attempts to reconcile, living with the consequences that arose from playing with the dynamics of their volatile relationship.
underneath all of the bravado and spiteful words, lay a desire to maintain composure and restore harmony in the relationship.
as much as it didn’t seem like it, you hated it when you fought.
but there was great difficulty in achieving peace, your arguments normally escalating quickly and dangerously, leaning wreckage in your wake.
only this time you weren’t sure your relationship would stand the test of time.
deciding it was best to hear the opinions of someone you trusted, you headed towards a bar that you frequented, looking for its owner, your close friend.
‘it’s not normal to fight this much,’ shotaro, your greatest confidant let you know, patting the top of your hand.
you knew that. that the amount of times you would have your disputes, seunghan with his temper and you without a filter, it wasn’t healthy.
it was beginning to become a cycle, a few days of peace before the storm would come and shake the both of you up.
‘what do i do,’ you sighed, exhausted and hurt.
‘you know what you need to do.’
with shotaro’s words buried at the forefront of your heart, you returned back to your home.
the lights were off, the glow from the television screen illuminating your boyfriends eyes.
you both looked at one another, at the same stage of fatigue as you shrugged your coat off and found refuge in each other.
not another word was said that night, but the silence filled in for their lack of conversation.
and you spent the next two weeks like this.
hollow, lifeless versions of yourselves.
whenever a problem would arise he could see you using all of your strength to hold your tongue, turning the other way.
intimacy just wasn’t the same anymore, the both of you seemingly having a lot to think about.
there was no more laughter, or joking around with each other.
the light drained from your eyes, and you had to wonder if this was what life was meant to be like.
so tired of fighting that you lose your voices, instead trying to pretend like everything is alright.
you started to leave the house more, needing an escape from this prison that had been created in the place you used to call home.
seunghan would often have to come and pick you up, you letting out all your grievances by drowning your sorrows in alcohol, like you always did.
his arms would wrap around your waist, guiding you into your bedroom.
he would patiently hold your hair back as you emptied the contents of your stomach into the toilet.
he would sit on the edge of the bathtub, using one hand to hold you up as you soaked in the bubble bath.
when he would dry you up, sleep fast approaching your spent body, you would mumble some words.
it would always be about him; ‘i hate the way she looked at you, ‘i wish you didn’t go and meet up with her yesterday i know she likes you.’
but the words uttered from your mouth last night made him freeze, a chill running down his spine as his worst fear came true.
‘i don’t think i know how to love you anymore.’
it was obvious that neither of you were happy, but as selfish as it was, seunghan couldn’t imagine a life without you.
he met you at the start of adulthood, and now that he was nearing the end of his twenties, he couldn't see himself trying again with anyone else.
so he acted like you hadn’t said anything, the dull ache in his chest starting to become a part of him.
but try as he might, he just couldn’t forget it.
they said that drink words were sober thoughts, that the possibility that you didn’t mean it was low.
even at work now, it circulated in his mind, occupying every crevice of his brain.
head in his hands, he struggled to focus on the presentation due in a couple of hours, his screen stuck on the same page.
he felt his phone buzz, and in his dream like state, he viewed the message.
we need to talk. come home my love.
he leapt out of his seat, listing off some type of excuse for why he had to leave the office early as he practically sprinted down the company stairs and to the car park.
he was sure he had ran a couple of lights but he didn’t care.
his heart was thumping, chewing on his lip as the worst case scenario continued to play in his head.
when he entered your home, making his way to the living room he saw you in a similar state.
‘why were there so many suitcases?’ bile rose to his throat and he almost wanted to turn away, avoid the inevitable.
as he stood planted in his spot, you lifted your head.
offering him a weak smile, he could see how red your eyes were, your nose a similar shade and his stomach turned violently.
‘i’ll do better. i promise baby please,’ in an instant he was at your feet, clutching you like he was scared you would dissapear.
‘seunghan-‘
‘i know, you must have been so frustrated. it can’t have been easy, i just need to- i need to be better, i’ll do whatever you want,’ tears were starting to fall, splashing onto your jeans.
‘i love you, i love you so much. loving you is the only thing i need.’
biting your lip to prevent yourself from crying too, you lifted his head from your leg.
as hard as it was, you knew that the both of you couldn’t continue on like this.
‘take a piece of my love, we’ve been through enough stuff, probably need to grow up and away.’
‘my sweet boy,’ you used your thumb to swipe his tears, an intense amount of adoration and tenderness displayed on your features.
the tone of your voice, how soft it was as you cupped his face in your hand, it only made him more devastated.
‘these mirrors know our secrets. they’ve witnessed our wild, our highs spent riding the wind. and they watched as all the storms started circling our dunes. if they could speak, their voices just might crack and shake and shatter the glass into fragments.’
‘we’ve been through enough stuff, now we need to grow up and away,’ your shoulders dropped in resignation, struggling to let out what you wanted to say.
‘we can’t try one more time?’ he was defeated, desperate for a lifeline, something that would convince you to stay.
‘i don’t like the people we’re becoming,’ you whispered.
‘i was scared. that one day the hatred would overpower my love for you. that one day you’ll no longer make my heart swell, but burn with rage.’
it hurt, because they both knew it was true.
it was glaringly obvious that there was a need for the both of them to move forward, away from their now toxic situation and find peace.
they had both been through enough turmoil and the sentiment that it was time for the both of them to separate for their own sakes was shared.
‘i want to protect the love that we shared. i don’t want all of those fond memories to go to waste,’ you caressed his face, soaking him all on as if it would be the last time to do.
seunghan, although anguished, knew that what she was saying was right.
six years of being together, he didn’t want those good years to be marred by bitterness, to be trampled over.
‘i love you hong seunghan, enough to let you go.’
‘i love you, more than you would ever comprehend,’ till their final moments he was sure she still wouldn’t.
so even though it tore his heart into pieces, he let the love of his life press one last kiss on his cheek, before leaving, not one look back.
even though you didn’t make it to the end of his story, he will always have the corner folded down on your pages, because it was his favourite.
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