#so either tumblr ate it or I forgot yikes

[seyaryminamoto]

Azula's most overlooked characterization element

Why, hello there.

It is I.

And I'm back on my bullshit.

I didn't WANT to be. But a bunch of factors pulled me back in.

For the record: I'm not here to start any fights or light the fuse of arguments that I most likely won't have time or interest in responding to. What I AM here for... is to prove that there's something out there a bunch of people are delighted to sleep on because acknowledging it would render maaaany simplistic interpretations entirely invalid...

That group of people includes the fandom, of course. And the original show's staff. And the liveaction's staff, to a fault. Surely the TTRPG ones too. And absolutely, the comic book writers.

Hell, I'll even include MYSELF in that group, even though I'm making this post right now.

I found it really curious that I very recently saw this element mentioned in a pretty neat blog I follow, @atla-lore-archive, I absolutely advise anyone who hasn't checked out said archive to do it if you wish to understand a lot of the "extra lore" the fandom had access to, back in the old days when the turbonick ATLA site still existed and used to be the only source of deeper knowledge about the fandom besides the occasional interview that most people didn't even know where to track down.

But the funny thing is that the post I'm talking about proved that even Turbonick forgot about the people this post is about :')

And that would beeeeeeee...

*cue drumroll*

Lo and Li!

What makes Lo and Li an important subject to discuss?

Why, a lot of things. Among them, the fact that almost nobody brings them into the core focus of any analysis made about Azula's character. I've personally mentioned them once or twice I believe, mostly as negatives, there's but ONE positive aspect I've ever found of them: them being non-benders MIGHT be a reason why Azula isn't shown as being quite so obsessive with firebending supremacy as Zuko was supposed to be.

But that's very much the sole good thing I can think to say about them and it's completely subjective, as good as a headcanon, because we don't even KNOW if they influenced Azula in that sense!

Why do they seem to get overlooked quite as much? Why... let's start thinking about it, shall we?

Lo and Li are Azula's firebending teachers. As far as anyone can tell, they're also her advisors. These two people should be an essential part of Azula's life... but ironically, we seldom see them with her. Most times, Azula isn't around these two. Whenever she is? It doesn't usually look like she's having a good time.

And that's no surprise, considering her first scene with those two very much puts forward a dynamic of cold distance between Azula and her mentors: Azula is bending LIGHTNING. We have not heard of other lightningbenders until that point, and once the full show wraps up, there's only THREE (Azula, Ozai, Iroh). Out of those three? Only one is a fourteen-year-old girl. It's very easy to assume Azula's lightning is actually a skill she mastered unusually early in life, perhaps relatively recently, hence the practicing... but she's pulling it off. She's succeeding. She's doing something that genuinely catches a first-time viewer off-guard!

And Lo and Li's entire opinion of what she did is: "Almost perfect. One hair out of place."

This tells you the Fire Nation's idea of "imperfection" is... insane. Strict. Imposing. Unyielding. Unforgiving. Azula's reaction isn't to get angry at Lo and Li for saying what they did: it's to get angry at herself and try again.

But... that's not the only instance where we see Azula getting angry around Lo and Li.

The next few times Azula is around them, she doesn't seem to have much of an emotional reaction (one is when they tell her to find other allies, the other when they herald her as a great hero who returned home from Ba Sing Se). In the second of these scenes, Lo and Li are praising Azula as incredible, beautiful, all sorts of grand things...! And Azula smiles. She smiles at the crowd. She's not smiling at the old ladies who are praising her... she's mostly just happy to know her people are welcoming her as a hero indeed! Most the fandom would go "true! what an ungrateful bitch! She should've been happy that Lo and Li complimented her that way!!" Me? I wouldn't say that at all. Not just because I love Azula to pieces? But because the only information we have of Azula's dynamics with these two... doesn't seem compatible with the idea that what Lo and Li are saying here is for AZULA'S benefit.

Anyone who's had a hypocritical parent/caretaker/teacher must have endured awkward, horrible, unpleasant moments where this adult figure treats you like shit in private but in public holds you as this grand example, and a perfect child, and they never seem to stop saying they're soooo proud of you even though you NEVER felt that what they're saying is true. Maybe the first few times, you're naive enough to believe it. By the tenth time of incongruent messages? You start to realize they're talking you up as a way to make themselves look better. They're trying to show they're doing their job at raising you/training you, be it whatever it may. The praises are not FOR you... they're for a third person to hear and think "Oh, this adult's so cool, saying nice things about this kid they're responsible for! Nice!"

... You're starting to get the picture now, I'm sure.

Lo and Li reappear in the Beach. Azula is notably chill, enjoying the ride, talking casually with Ty Lee, telling Zuko to lighten up and to stop taking Ozai's choices personally, right? She seems... content. Relaxed.

Then, everything changed when Lo and Li attacked.

We don't even see why Azula is making this face at first. But she does it AT ONCE when their ship reaches the dock.

Who is there indeed...?

The stars of our post! :') if it isn't our elderly twin ladies... who brought Azula to a very disappoting beach house. And when Azula sees the house in question, she makes THIS face.

Judge however you may... even Ty Lee is weirded out by the beach house, going by that expression. Zuko and Mai aren't impressed either. But Azula? The look on her face isn't merely disappointment if you ask me... part of it looks a bit like embarrassment too? This isn't at all what she was expecting when she arrived (she has her old beach house for standards, which makes this extra underwhelming, I'm sure). She counts on Lo and Li to provide them with a place to stay, it goes implicit... and then this is what they do. It most likely isn't what she promised the other three in terms of where they'd stay, hence, I'd dare say there's a component of embarrassment here.

Shortly afterwards, we have our well known scene with Azula being utterly unconcerned with Lo and Li's apparent wisdom to the point of yawning over it. This, too, tells you she's just not interested in whatever those two have to say or bring to the table. Then, they show up again at mealtime and I think Azula just ignores them the whole scene.

After this? Lo and Li vanish until the finale. And what do they do in the finale? Why... it's the first time anyone expresses a verbal concern over Azula's wellbeing! Ah! A sign that Lo and Li have SOME affection for Azula! This time, you pesky Azula fans, you CAN'T twist this into a bad thing! For sure!

... Can't we, tho? :')

What IS Azula's reaction to: "We are concerned for your wellbeing"?

"My father asked you to come here and talk to me, didn't he‌? He thinks I can't handle the responsibility of being Fire Lord. But I will be the greatest leader in Fire Nation history."

And here, my friends, is when we have finally hit the jackpot.

Lo and Li could have been Azula's Irohs. She could've had TWO of him! Then you'd say: "hey! Ozai is such a dick he let Azula have two elderly wise ladies guiding her but only gave one old wise dude to Zuko! Rude!" and it would be further proof of Ozai's favoritism of Azula, right?

... But actually?

Lo and Li are no such thing. Lo and Li aren't moral compasses for Azula in the least. Lo and Li are not beacons of wisdom that genuinely help her sort her way through life. Worth noting: THEY COULD HAVE BEEN WRITTEN THAT WAY. They're not. They're not part of mysterious secret societies, they don't help Azula in any objective, significant, tangible way... there's very much nothing to say they EVER fulfilled the role Iroh did for Zuko. What role, then, were they fulfilling instead?

Why... I think we ought to listen to Azula, shouldn't we?

My take: Lo and Li are OZAI'S STAND-INS.

Someone's going to say "hey why would you assume that when Azula said this in the middle of a breakdown?? Surely she was just DELUSIONAL and PARANOID and ashdgkadhsgkjgh...!"

... Let me counter that one with a fun little analysis excercise:

WHY are Lo and Li Azula's firebending teachers and advisors?

The finale very directly tells us these two are not benders. We could've assumed they were! They're not: Azula's teachers are non-benders.

Has a single person out there ever asked themselves WHY this is the case?

How the hell is Azula, prodigy of the blue fire, epic lightning, cruel and powerful and precise and deadly bending... training under two elderly nonbenders?

Bringing this to a real-life example: do you remember what it was like when you were in P.E. classes and your teacher told you to spend 20 minutes jogging, and if you ever stopped you had to do 20 crunches and then get back to the jogging, and every time you stopped he'd tell you the same thing and you'd want that guy to vanish from the face of the planet? I don't know if that was only my experience, but I rather doubt it.

What did kids typically think/say when that happened?

"I wanna see that old fart doing the same shit he's making us do..."

It's a headcanon indeed to say that this is how Azula must have felt over Lo and Li, but it's VERY likely to be the case. But I'd dare say, in Azula's case, it's even worse because, to put it in another way? It's like taking programming lessons from someone who's never learned a programming language. They'll tell you you're getting things wrong without knowing how to help you get them right because they just DON'T KNOW what you're doing, and are outright INCAPABLE of what you're trying to achieve. They can't offer good guidance based on experience because they have ZERO experience on that subject! And yet they want PERFECTION from you! They expect it!

Lo and Li are these teachers for Azula. We only see them in one scene? And yet everything in the rest of the show suggests that they bring nothing important to the table for Azula, be it professionally, be it personally, be it emotionally... not in any aspect of life.

And this, if you ask me, is why the OG show barely ever brings them into scenes. Why the comics flat-out forgot they existed and even featured people like Sozin and Azulon in Azula's beach hallucinations but NOT the two ladies who looked after her and trained her. Why the live-action didn't even FEATURE them.

And us? The fandom? The fic writers?

I HAVE NO IDEA WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I READ A FIC THAT HAD LO AND LI INVOLVED IN IT.

I'm not even saying as main characters, I don't even know if that exists, frankly: I mean as minor, or background characters. I have NOT seen those two be used in basically ANY fics I've read. I've scarcely used them in mine! In fact, I PURPOSEFULLY got rid of them early on in Gladiator because I didn't want them to sabotage and get in the way of Azula's progress as a character and I believed they'd do exactly that. They were an obstacle rather than anything useful, so I did away with them and then realized they could still occasionally serve some purpose in certain situations: I even had Azula visit them once and they were actually helpful! Fancy that! But... that's it. That's as far as I could go with them. I can't do MORE with those two because they're not characters one particularly feels compelled to work with.

And from what I've seen? That's the case for everyone.

So, I ask again:

WHY ARE THEY THERE?

WHAT IS THEIR ROLE?

WHAT IS THE POINT OF AZULA HAVING NON-BENDING TEACHERS?

Let's go further and further into logical thinking here, shall we?

Azula is a child. Fourteen years of age at the time she's introduced in the OG show.

Azula has no power over many things around her, particularly, her upbringing. That's in the hands of the adults around her. Her mother, up until she vanished, had some hand in it, then, it all falls to Ozai.

Ozai has been Azula's sole parental figure since Ursa left.

Ozai is the one who would reasonably call the shots regarding Azula's education, as all parents are wont to do... ESPECIALLY when he's a king with absolute power over his children.

... so, Lo and Li? Ozai either gave them the position as Azula's teachers personally, or someone else (Ursa) did, and Ozai either didn't WANT to remove them from the role (cue "Ozai being sentimental over Ursa" theories), or Ozai didn't give a flying fuck about who was training his daughter (cue "Ozai is an abusive dick without a heart or a brain" theories).

Anyone, of course, would likely interject here to say surely Ozai ALSO trained Azula himself because that's what he'd do with his favorite kid, right? See. I don't even disagree with that notion.

BUT IT'S A HEADCANON.

We have zero evidence that Ozai trained her! None! I totally will write that into Azula's backstory in many of my stories, but there's NOTHING in canon to suggest this actually happened and that Ozai was genuinely, actively, frequently involved in her progress as a firebender. Assuming he HAD to be is, still, a headcanon. You can't say that with any more certainty than mine when I say I believe Azula loves spicy foods. Does it seem to be something that would fit with her character? I think so! But if eventually canon goes "AZULA CAN'T STAND SPICY FOODS LOL JOKE'S ON YOU!" I... can't even say a thing about it. People's food tastes aren't reflective of their personalities. They really could do whatever they want in that respect. And that's the case for ANYTHING that isn't part of the show's storytelling or the character backgrounds or any texts we consider canon!

POINT BEING: Ozai, regardless of what you want to headcanon, had Lo and Li as Azula's teachers. HIS FAVORITE CHILD... and her only official instructors are two non-benders. Yang added Kunyo as an old instructor of Azula's when she was young, sure! But Kunyo was sooooo qualified that baby Azula was already kicking his ass. So, for that matter? He doesn't really seem to have been a cornerstone of her firebending development and the only other known teachers for Azula are Lo and Li.

For the last time: Azula's teachers are NON-BENDERS. AS CHOSEN, SANCTIONED, APPROVED AND ACCEPTED BY OZAI.

And with those two remarking on absolutely STUPID stuff like "one hair out of place"? Azula still became the incredible firebender she was.

Cue, now, the irony where Zuko was stuck in the basics 3 years after setting out of the Fire Nation... WITH IROH ACTIVELY SERVING AS HIS MENTOR.

You're not gonna tell me that Lo and Li would EVER be better instructors than Iroh, or are you? Because that makes no sense. Full-stop. Iroh is supposed to be the most profound and complete firebender thorughout the show because he's spiritually enlightened even though I admit I think that's bullshit and he doesn't just teach Zuko how to set things on fire, he actually makes him learn theory and spirituality and his teachings are more profound than just "ONE HAIR OUT OF PLACE".

So.

Banished as he is, disgraced and seen as trash by Ozai, Zuko STILL has a better teacher than Azula does.

... Is this LOGICAL? Is this NORMAL? Does this make SENSE?

If you think Ozai's favoritism of Azula takes the shape of "I'll give you every little thing you ask for, sweetheart, I love you very much, here, have ten million doll houses so you can set them on fire, and all the ponies you ask for and on your next birthday I'll buy you a baby dragon and you'll get your own region of the Fire Nation to govern and a fancy title..."?

Then Lo and Li, unfortunately, are right here to be a HUGE contradiction with your interpretation of Ozai and Azula's relationship.

Azula should have THE BEST teachers. Azula does not. Azula doesn't even LIKE them. Azula is openly shown to dislike them! To be annoyed around them, ANGRY when they're teaching her, she feels they're here to keep tabs on her for her father! In a sense, they're Ozai's SPIES on her! :')

Hence? Ozai's favoritism of Azula MIGHT not be what everyone keeps pretending it is. Maybe Ozai didn't do everything to make Azula get things EASILY... and to be fair? That's not what Zuko said anyway. People interpreted it that way... but that's not REALLY what he says:

"Everything always came easy to her. She's a firebending prodigy, and everyone adores her. My father says she was born lucky. "

Every line in this statement is absolutely questionable and all of it sounds like buuuuullshit to me. This is ZUKO'S perspective. And sorry not sorry, but it's tell-don't-show. People swear by his opinion of Azula and pretend he's absolutely objective about it. He's not.

But "Everything always came easy to her," does not mean "EVERYTHING WAS ALWAYS HANDED OVER TO HER ON A SILVER PLATTER." And yet this is what the fandom has constantly interpreted it as.

Azula might just be a prodigy. Maybe she started out ten steps ahead of her brother: this does not mean she needs no guidance, no training, no help. She's seen training herself over perfectionism in her very second scene of Book 2. And the guidance she gets in order to achieve perfection is actually, objectively, stupid.

This is what Ozai chose for her. This is an OBSTACLE for her growth, just as much as Lo and Li were obstacles for me when I was starting with Gladiator! Azula doesn't have it EASY: she just works herself so damn hard that even shit that should HINDER her does NOT do that. And even when her brother objectively has spent THREE YEARS with an advantage in the shape of being trained by one of the VERY BEST firebenders out there? Azula is still beating Zuko at it. With two non-benders as her teachers.

Where am I going with all this?

To the fact that Lo and Li are overlooked in just about every instance of the fandom.

To the fact that nobody includes them, and their influence on Azula, in their analyses of who Azula is.

I've seen a shitstorm rising over the Netflix characterization of Azula: SHE'S TOO ANGRY, they say. Non-stop. She's sooooo hysterical, all the time! She's just pissed perpetually!

Well. I haven't finished the show yet. But the scenes I've seen Azula in so far? They don't fit the fandom's view of Azula because...

... they're not taking Lo and Li into account.

As usual.

:')

Azula's reactions around Lo and Li being frustration, anger, irritation EVEN in scenes like The Beach, where Azula was FINE until she sees them? That shit is storytelling that went over sooooooo many heads, EVEN MINE! When I saw people going on about how canon Azula is... not insecure? Not angry? Has no frustrations and was only ever smirking 24/7? I... didn't feel that was right. I knew it wasn't right. And when I thought about it hard enough? I realized that one reason why this interpretation of Azula is IMMEDIATELY dismissable is because of Lo and Li: those two constantly made Azula angry. Even if that wasn't their intent, it's nonetheless the effect they'd have on her. And Azula didn't like having them around. She CLEARLY didn't appreciate them the way Zuko does Iroh, for instance! And this could be taken as a flaw on Azula's part... if we EVER saw evidence that these two ladies actually love Azula as a grandchild, or so. If we had any evidence that they actually have cared for her in ways nobody else ever did. If maybe the ones Zuko talks about, upon saying "EVERYONE LOVES AZULA" were these two! And maybe he was jealous of them! Maybe he wanted two old ladies to watch his every move and tell him his every flaw!

... Clearly I'm joking about that last thing, but anyway...

There's nothing to tell us Lo and Li were anything but Ozai's assigned watchdogs to keep control and tabs over Azula. That Azula's immediate reaction upon hearing that someone cares about her is "Oh fuck off, my dad sent you here because he doesn't trust me!" is... telling. It's not just paranoia speaking, even if it sure can be read that way! It's actually Azula's perception of those two, which is 100% supported by what we saw of the twins throughout the show, WHENEVER we did see them: their roles in Azula's life are indeed to keep tabs on her, to keep her under control, to pressure her into perfection, AS OZAI'S AGENTS! Seen this way, it MAKES SENSE for Azula to disregard their concern and immediately assume it's FAKE. She isn't even shown to doubt it, never questions that MAYBE they did care about her! She assumes they don't...

... And considering that, as far as I know, the official concept is that they BOTH LEFT when Azula banished one of them only? That they didn't contest her command, staying to look after her even if she only wanted one? I mean, clearly Azula can't tell them apart, so they could've taken turns: one watches over Azula for 12 hours and the other for the next 12 hours, I don't goddamn know! But they didn't do that. They LEFT. And if they left? It means they don't care remotely as much as they say they do. Not to the point where they'd challenge Azula's orders and help her when they KNOW she's not okay.

And all of this further supports my point.

When we see Azula in the liveaction being angry, bitter, irritable at Ozai's choices?

I see a reflection of the same dynamics that the OG too subtly weaved into Azula's relationship with Lo and Li. I see Azula reacting against Ozai's control over her because she feels it's DISTRUST. She feels it means her father STILL needs to be convinced that she's competent, powerful, ready to do his bidding. It isn't a case where Azula's irritation comes from wanting to rebel against her father... it's Azula wanting her father to UNDERSTAND that she's 100% his supporter and will put everything on the line to serve him and the Fire Nation.

And it's very damn easy to read that exact same thing into Azula's dynamics with Lo and Li as it is to see it EXPLICITLY STATED in the liveaction.

My point?

What the liveaction did is not nearly as much of a distant characterization choice as people think it is.

Ozai is Azula's Achilles' Heel. Everything she became, everything she grew up to be, was for his sake. He molded her to become those things and simply didn't give a shit about raising a daughter, he treated her as a weapon, and absolutely pitted his children against each other, just as much as OTHER adults in their lives did. But the impact of Ozai on Azula in the OG is easy to ignore. Why? Because we SELDOM see them interacting. Because we don't get that side of Azula's character fully explored. Because they didn't want to explore Ozai's character either! They were as cheap as they could be with all these aspects and so, only the people who really got into analyzing things on a deeper level would be able to say, without a doubt, that Ozai abused Azula emotionally with all the expectations and demands he put on his own child. Through the golden child-scapegoat dynamic that people have been bringing up non-stop in the past years.

So, proving herself to her father is what Azula wants to do, more than anything. Proving worthy of his favor, of his approval, is the closest thing she can get to feeling loved. Which is depressing as fuck. Azula gets zero affection: it's not even conditional affection, there's NOTHING for her besides approving words if she gets anything right. And this show's work with Azula's character? It was meant to make these things less invisible to all the fans who like to pretend none of it exists. And yes, I've seen them, crawling all over Twitter shitting themselves in fits of rage because how dare that show pretend Azula EVER had a bad time in her perfect flawless life!!

Well, the irony is that the OG gives you a smidge of evidence -- and yet that's enough -- to show that Ozai was doing very similar things to Azula in ATLA, and her reactions to it?

Huh. No smirks for Lo and Li.

No smirks for the symbols of Ozai's control over her life.

It's almost like the confidence, the smirks, the apparent ease with which she handles everything? Is a front that crumbles easily whenever it concerns the ONE PERSON with power over her life.

I don't believe, worth noting, that Azula's power comes from rage. I've seen people say that in fandom in the past and I find it a completely absurd take when Iroh himself spells out that her bending is about control, about precision, and it's Azula's FURY that makes her a sloppy mess in the finale. It's even INTENTIONAL that when she shoots lightning a second time, in her second establishing scene, THAT SAME HAIR FALLS OUT OF PLACE. She's still angry. She didn't get it "right" this time either. She's imperfect and she's trying NOT to be, but she cannot succeed. And upon bending lightning with emotions (rage/frustration)? That hair falls YET AGAIN out of place. Proof that she's not going to achieve the perfection she's being FORCED (indeed, by her father and the people who are here to represent him, Lo and Li) to strive for.

The liveaction had Ozai pushing Azula for a perfection she couldn't attain either. She's perfectly content in her cruelty at Ozai's side, right until she hears the Avatar was found and that Zuko has a shot at taking away the privileges she's been basking in so far. That she WASN'T nervous about this in canon is pretty damn obvious: OZAI SENT HER TO HUNT ZUKO DOWN FOR BEING A FAILURE. We never saw her reaction to learning that the Avatar was out and about. We have noooo idea what was canonically going on with her back then. The first time we see her besides the flashback is Azula receiving a mission that tells her she's STILL #1 and Zuko is no threat to her because Ozai thinks he's a failure. Thus? She had nothing to fear. Here? Ozai is actively using Zuko as bait to pressure Azula further. And if you're so confident in Ozai's good parenting skills as to believe he somehow WOULDN'T do that? Sounds like you don't understand the very basic and simplistic Fire Lod Ozai from ATLA, and that's not something to be proud of. So probably stop screaming your bad takes at the top of your lungs, because being incapable of understanding Ozai in canon is not a badge of pride, just saying...

FINAL POINT...

This post is not written expressly in the defense of the liveaction and its characterization of Azula. To this point, what I've seen of it doesn't feel WRONG or OFF unless you're the kind of person who thinks Azula is only capable of smirking and if she stops doing that she stops existing or something. Only people who cannot understand the depth, nuance, subtleties in Azula's story would ever be claiming that Azula's relationship with Ozai COUDLN'T be like this, or that Azula couldn't possibly be frustrated with her father or his choices when it's soooo clear what Ozai is going for, and why it's working. But in order to read Azula as a character capable of this range of emotion, frustration and ambition, all at once? You have to be able to treat this character, be it in the liveaction or the OG show, as a human being.

And that's what most the people criticizing this specific change are determined not to do. It's what makes them uncomfy. It's what rustles their jimmies.

Yes. I'm saying it in this very demeaning way because I actually find it quite ridiculous to be this insecure over the portrayal of a fictional 14yo in two TV shows. Whether the liveaction sticks the landing or fails catastrophically, I do not know... but I do know that if it's forcing a bunch of people to rethink Azula's character, and making them panic at the idea that she could EVER have human emotions, even if they're AWFUL human emotions?

Then I'm afraid you're only convincing me that, as bad as that show could ever get? It's getting SOMETHING right. I do love to see misinterpretations of Azula getting slammed in the face by the reality that all those beliefs, headcanons and takes in bad faith are actively, categorically untrue: none of which makes Azula a fundamentally good person, worth noting! But it makes it very clear that reading her as a one-dimensional basic villain, which is what the anti-Azula-redemption crowd actively does, is literally only possible if you overlook, ignore and fail to understand her character and her complexities, be it in the liveaction or in the original show.

There. I said my piece.

Another post, regarding the rest of the liveaction, is bound to come later. I'd say stay tuned but it might take me a while to write it at all. So... wait around and maybe you'll see it someday!

#azula #atla #natla #yep :') #I'm doing it #because I know the bad takes are everywhere so #let's see if mine actually gets any visibility this way #can of worms here we goooooooooo #(this is a bad idea I know it is I'm having a leave of my senses) #(but sometimes you just gotta watch the world burn and this has been... a complicated sad day) #also sorry if anyone saw it without the read more oops I thought I'd put it there #so either tumblr ate it or I forgot yikes #but now it's theeeere #sorryyyyyyyy

[yourcoolfriendwithallthecandy]

Magic and Miracles and BEYOND Chapter 3

aaaaaahhhhhh, do you know how LONG and HARD I had to look for that picture of Jon Campling?! Like the man keeps his hair to the small of his back. His hair is more glorious than mine. But seriously, that’s like the closest picture I can find of him to what I invision in my head, now just imagine the hair being cut and styled how it was in Kingsglaive but with a lot less gray, like more black in his youth because remember- he doesn’t have a ring sapping his youth and strength, he just has kids, draining his youth with their shenanigans, it’s debatable which is more tolling and taxing on him. That super yacht is actually the Serene, it’s glorious and I’m totally diving into the fantasy aspect of this fic because this is me indulging myself. Pry it from my cold dead hands.  

My apologies to everyone who has familes touched by drugs (including mine but thankfully not in my immediate family) and heads up because this touches on that a little. 

Yo- @the-immortal-marshal GURL. I had to pull the trigger. I had to. I’m sorry. And I’m just...so sorry. For all those reading this and going...why are you sorry? It’s fine? JUST WAIT. It’s not going to be fine for long. A storm is a BREWIN. 

AO3 or below and Tumblr- keep being cool and keep this under a cut. Be a Bro man. Don’t let me down. 

Magic and Miracles and BEYOND

Chapter 3

“So let me get this straight, you got this super yacht for going on one date with an Arab billionaire?” Crowe asked as she drank her super-food smoothie with extra ripe pineapple as the group sailed to the Caribbean.

“Uh huh- granted it was a week long “date” spent in Dubai at the demand of my mother but yeah.” Sylva nodded as she sipped her own drink with a smug grin.  

“Damn,” all the girls exclaimed.

“Oh and my super jet? That came from a Russian billionaire, when it came to the states, it had a case of beluga caviar in a secret compartment in the hold to get it past customs. I ate so much of it because it was only good for two weeks, I thought I was going to be sick and couldn’t eat it again for months. And that was another week long “date” spent in Moscow also at the demand of my mother.” Sylva revealed.

“Holy fucking shit.” All the girls giggled except for Selena, Luna and Stella who just shook their heads.  

“Hey, I’m not saying my parents pimped me out, but they totally tried and I can only hope my mother is rolling in her grave now. So if anything I’ve earned both putting up with those guys for as long as I did and the moment I got back from Moscow because Dubai and Moscow were consecutive weeks and before Dubai I spent a week between China and Tokyo going on even more “dates” with even more billionaires but that is besides the point. Anyway, my point is, I came home in the jet and drove straight to Regis’ house and fucked him so hard neither of us could walk straight to make up for my three week absence and nothing pushes you towards your true love quite like spite for your own gold digging parents, in particular my mother, it makes me so happy to see you wear her most prized pieces girls.” Sylva cooed to Selena, Luna and Stella as Selena giggled and touched her necklace as her own grin grew as Lunafreya and Stella just shook their heads and touched their own jewelry too. Between Sylva, Lunafreya, Selena and Stella they had divided up Agnes’ jewelry between them with Sylva getting the vast majority of it but Agnes’ favorite pieces that Sylva hated because she always felt her mother loved them more than she loved her, went to the three younger girls and Samantha as well to spite Agnes- with the promise that none of the girls would ever sell or give the jewelry away, simply pass it down to the next generation because the Anders line rightfully died with her and Sylva would be damned if the Nox Fleuret line ever would.

“So if any of you think that your parents are being unreasonable, or impossible, at least your parents aren’t nearly as bad as mine were.” Sylva cautioned all the girls.

“That’s so fucked up.” Crowe just shook her head.

“Well, what’s worse, your parents or Tredd’s mother?” Stella posed as Sylva and the other girls grimaced and hissed.

“Ooh, yikes, that’s a tough one.” Sylva had to admit. “How is she doing?” Sylva asked Stella.

“Well the day after Tredd proposed, Ted went looking for her and found her strung out at a crack house and put her into rehab that’s also a psyche ward, so it’s touch and go. If they can manage to get her on the right meds and with the right therapy, it’ll help but I don’t know if she’ll take to it or not.” Stella sighed tiredly.

“But she also has to want to get better for the right reason. Does she know about your trust fund? Because I’m worried that will be the only reason she gets better.” Sylva cautioned.

“Oh that worries me too and so far Tredd has forbidden his dad from telling her and won’t tell her either, he doesn’t want her around me and he’s mad at his dad for finding her to begin with. I think he would rather she die of an overdose than be a thieving leech on him and his dad again.” Stella answered. “I think for Ted, he sees me and Tredd together and doing well and it reminds him of what him and Shyanne used to be and he wants that again and misses that.” Stella ventured.

“If he’s that lonely there’s a lot of women he could be introduced to.” Sylva reminded her niece.

“Oh I know, Tredd and I both have offered but he’s not having it, it’s all or nothing with him.” Stella shrugged.  

“Well here’s to hoping she stays off of meth, crack and alcohol.” Sylva clinked her glass with Stella’s as the two shared a meaningful look.

“Same.” Stella snorted a laugh.

“I heard my name.” Tredd pointed out as he came up behind his fiance and stole a sip of her drink as he laid a hand over her shoulder and fingered her necklace teasingly as if he was itching to take it off of her but Stella knew that Tredd was only teasing- that he actually wouldn’t do such a thing. Part of his asshole behavior in the beginning had been bravado to cover up his own insecurity because he felt he knew that she was too good for him and if he was an ass enough, it would drive her away. Much the same way Stella liked to be a brashy bitch to drive nice guys away because she, deep down, didn’t think she deserved them even though her behavior spoke of entitlement, she was surprisingly not and once they both saw each other for what they really were and cut through each other’s bullshit, it only helped them fall in love with each other even if they felt they still needed to put on a show for appearances, when they were alone and by themselves with each other, they felt safe enough to be vulnerable with each other and really show their true colors and realize what a pair they made and how they were actually good to and for each other.

“We were talking about your mom, Mom was asking about her.” Stella said as she gestured to Sylva.

“Fucking bitch.” Tredd grumbled before he really started sucking Stella’s drink down.

“Why don’t you get your own if you like it this much?” Stella teased him.

“Because I’m not a pussy, but it’s really fucking good.” Tredd answered as all the girls rolled their eyes.  

“Well I hope your mom can make a recovery and sobers up.” Sylva offered sweetly.

“Yeah you’re the only one.” Tredd played off. “So anyone want to change their bets on Lil Mama?” Tredd asked, quickly changing the subject.  

Meanwhile Cor was meeting Clarus for a drink after work.

“You gotta help me.” Cor pleaded as they both sat at the bar as Clarus raised a curious brow.

“With?” Clarus asked warily.

“You gotta let me go on a drug bust or serve a warrant or something. I’m going insane.” Cor confessed.  “I haven’t left my desk in months, I go to get coffee from the shop down the street and I fantasize about some idiot knocking over the joint while I’m there or I go to the bank and I fantasize about someone robbing it while I’m in it. Like I’m looking over the bar and hoping someone gets drunk and will start a fight right this second.” Cor revealed and Clarus could only shake his head as Sylva’s words washed over his head.

“Well part of being settled down means actually liking the peace and quiet.” Clarus teased and Cor just whimpered and laid his head on his folded arms.

“Gradual peace and quiet! Not all at once!” Cor argued and Clarus just snorted a laugh and continued to shake his head. He could practically hear Sylva’s sing song tone of ‘I told you so’.

“Fine, if something comes up, I’ll let you know.” Clarus agreed.

Meanwhile back at home Ada eased into bathtub, she had splurged and got a little island getaway candle and a bath bomb and a sugar scrub for her skin and a deep hair conditioning mask and next to the bathtub sat a drink made out of some tropical blend juice spiked with whiskey, it was the closest to a tropical drink she could manage and enjoyed her night in alone. She dropped the bath bomb in and watched it swirl and dissolve in the hot water as she sipped her drink as she breathed in the scent of the little candle next to the tub. While she felt jealous of all her friends, at least she could do this for herself. Being furious with Cor over New York had only lasted a couple of days and it was broken by some amazing makeup sex before she groaned when she realized she forgot to pick up her birth control from the pharmacy again. She had been late getting it last month and now she was late getting it again this time. She had such a fickle memory lately.

She quickly shrugged it off and just as the bath bomb fully dissolved, her phone went off and she huffed and got it and saw all the pictures of Crowe and all her friends back on Sylva’s yacht before Crowe sent another picture of another ultrasound picture. She could see Luche in the background, talking with Tredd, Libertus, Nyx, Ravus and Pelna and smiling and still looking handsome as ever while Crowe was with all the girls, Sylva, Stella, Selena and Luna all wearing diamond necklaces and drinking proper island drinks. It wasn’t fair. Ada felt tears prick at her eyes before they fell from her eyes and down her cheeks. She sniffled and turned the phone off and tried to get back into the groove of her bath as she washed her hair then put the deep conditioning mask on it and then shaved her legs and underarms before scrubbing her skin with the sugar scrub then when she was done with that she took a foot file and tried to take off all the calluses from her feet. Being a waitress and being on her feet all the time meant her feet were tired and achy and often blistered if not callused.

When she was done the candle’s scent overpowered her nose and she blew it out before she started chugging her own drink again and before she knew it the drink was gone, the water was turning cold, the candle was out and her hair needed to get rinsed and instead of feeling refreshed, she felt even more frustrated...with everything. She laid back and rinsed the conditioning mask out of her hair and once she was done she sat back up and drained the tub and got out, putting a towel around her and got dressed and went to bed early after plugging in her phone again. Baxter jumped up on the bed and snuggled with her as she fell asleep.

In her dream she was back in the tea shop with Luche sitting across from her, pouring her a cup of tea, in a suit again and looking particularly handsome while she felt raw and compromised internally.

“I’ve missed you.” Luche finally said.

“You’ve been too busy to miss me.” Ada gently argued as she took the tea cup and drank from it again, the warmth of the tea cup warming her hands as the tea and his presence seemed warmed her soul.

“No I haven’t, it’s impossible for me to be too busy to miss you.” Luche countered with a gentle grin as he picked his own tea cup back up and sipped it.

“Are you sure you’re not missing something really important back at the office right now?” Ada questioned.

“Nope, I don’t deal with anything that’s life or death, whatever is there can wait until whenever I get back, you’re way more important than any paperwork I could do.” Luche insisted, his gentle grin turning reassuring and Ada felt warmed by the sentiment and she could tell he wanted to say more but forced his mouth to stay shut and let her have a moment of peace but part of her wanted to hear whatever he would say.

“What?” Ada asked, hoping that would help him say whatever he wanted or needed to stay.

“I’ve only ever wanted you. So anything I can do to spend time with you, no matter what the cost is- is something I’ll always do if it’s for you.” Luche finally spoke, his voice dropping to a low murmur so that he wouldn’t draw attention to them. But the look in his eyes brought tears to hers. The words were eating their way out of her throat as she stood as Luche did the same and came into his arms as he hugged her tight.

“I’ve only ever wanted you too. I love you.” Ada heard herself sniffle into his chest as she felt so safe and warm in his arms again. Like nothing could hurt her, like nothing could even disappoint her either.

“I love you too, let’s get out of here.” Luche proposed and Ada nodded before he kissed her and then Ada woke up with a start which woke Baxter up who started licking her tears away just as Cor came home from the bar and Ada quickly got control of herself again.

“Hey, you’re still up.” Cor grinned when he came into the room and noticed her sitting up in bed and petting Baxter.

“No, you woke me up when you came home.” Ada teased with a grin, praying her face didn’t betray her.

“Oh I’m sorry.” Cor apologized as he stripped out of his clothes and put his badge and his gun on the bedside table before he crawled into bed with her. “Well I’ll help put you back to sleep then.” Cor offered as he brought her into his embrace. “Wow, your skin is really soft.” Cor noticed as he smelled her hair as he kissed the crown of her head and touched the small of her back.

“Thanks, scrubbed it during my bath.” Ada smiled, pleased that he noticed and rewarded him with a kiss and soon that kiss led to another and a touch led to a caress and before either of them realized they were having soft, sweet sex with each other and when they were done, Cor noticed a little bit of blood on his shaft.

“Did you start your period Love?” Cor asked as he got a tissue to clean himself off with.

“Oh, I must have.” Ada blinked in surprise. “I feel like it’s early.” Ada muttered to herself as she got up and got a pad into her underwear.

“Well it’s always better to be early than it is to be late.” Cor joked and Ada laughed.

“I know right?” Ada grinned as she climbed back into the bed to rest and relax and really fall asleep.

Meanwhile back on the yacht.

“Why were you girls talking about Shyanne?” Tredd asked as he helped take the necklace off and put it away so himself and Stella could get ready for bed.

“Oh Mom was telling us the story of how she got the yacht and the jet.”

“Because her mom was the baddest pimp of them all, yeah.” Tredd nodded which got Stella to laugh.

“And she was telling us to be grateful our moms are nothing like that.” Stella added.

“And let me guess, you just had to drag Shyanne into it and go- ‘actually no, Tredd’s mom is much worse’.” Tredd surmised.

“Sorry if I embarrassed you.” Stella apologized softly as she hugged him and held him tight as he in turn clung to her and kissed the crown of her head. “I can promise you that I’ll never touch any of that.” Stella swore. “And just because she’s that way doesn’t mean you’ll ever be that way. I know we would beat the shit out of each other if we ever tried.” Stella lightly teased which got Tredd to crack a grin and huff a laugh through his nose as he continued to just hold her for a long while.

“So would you draw me like one of your French girls Jack?” Tredd teased as he let go of her and playfully tried to put the diamond necklace on himself which got Stella to crack up laughing.

“Yes I would.” Stella cackled.

“Show it to me when you’re done!” Crowe teased through the wall as Tredd jumped and panicked and threw the necklace back into case as Stella nearly went to her knees she started cracking up as she heard Crowe cackle a laugh too.

“Fucking go to sleep! Your knocked up body needs it!” Tredd spat at the wall as Stella was in tears and literally had to go to her knees, holding her sides and laughing her ass off as she could only imagine Crowe was in a similar state on the other side of the wall as Tredd got the necklace and made sure it wasn’t damaged before he put it back properly. “Or do I have to fuck Stella against that wall again?” Tredd threatened.

“Go to sleep! All of you! God!” Luche yelled through the other wall.

“Shut the fuck up and keep fapping!” Tredd yelled back at Luche.

“Fuck you!” Luche groaned before Tredd picked Stella up off the floor and pinned her to the wall between their room and Luche’s and started fucking her hard just to prove a point before Luche groaned again and left his room to go find refuge somewhere else but every room he passed he could hear every other couple being intimate which only made him more frustrated before he got to the couch in the main lounge and collapsed onto that before pulling a throw onto himself as he continued to grumble to himself, if Ada was here and back with him, he wouldn’t give a fuck because he’d be fucking her against the wall too. This wasn’t fair. Everyone else was with the love of their lives and he was in a constant state of anguish because his was still with someone else. Maybe he should have pushed Sylva to introduce him to her nieces. But at the same time Ravus kept reassuring him that if he was patient enough, that Ada would come back to him. He just had to be patient and endure this for now. He could do that. He had to. Now he understood what Ravus felt like when Selena had been with Pelna. If Ravus could wait for Selena, he could wait for Ada and they’d be just as happy too.

#Magic and Mracles and BEYOND #aaahhhhhhhhh

[dontdowhatisayandnobodygetshurt]

Even numbers. Fuck you 💙

:’) 🖕💙

Under the cut… oh my god… lord give me strength… if any of y’all wanna get to know me… read this monster X’D

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

I think a bit of both?? I’m the type of person who’d willingly get lost in a strange city but also suddenly develop a stutter when I try to communicate with my fellow humans. :)

4. Are you easy to get along with?

lmao no.

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Kind ones. Who can tolerate me.

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

An ex friend/abuser atm. :))))

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

What qualifies as deep?? I guess, my Dad?? Maybe??

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Dodie Clark - Monster

Easy Life - Pockets

Lorde - Buzzcut Season

Zack Hemsey - The Way

Fits and the Tantrums - Roll Up

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Yeah, I think so?

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

I kissed my Mum on the top of her head. So, yes. XD

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

That would be Jesse. So, yes. Hope he doesn’t find this blog yikes. X’D

20. Do you like your neighbors?

Yes on one side. No on the other side.

22. Where would you like to travel?

America firstly. Then all over the place to visit other friends. I promised my Mum I’d take her to San Francisco one day, so I gotta keep that promise.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

PETS :DDDDD

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Try my best not to murder anyone while I get my cup of tea liquid life ready. XD Say hi to doggos and beep babies. Check to see if any of my friends need me urgently. Then eat toast.

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

My pets. My parents. My friends.

30. Do you ever want to get married?

I really don’t mind getting married or living in sin. XD It would depend entirely on what my partner wanted, I’d do whatever would make them happy.

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

No one. Guess you could say I’m demisexual.

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Does horseback riding count?? I’ve dabbled in a bit of cricket. But my lungs don’t like intensive exercising, especially cardio stuff.

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Story of my life, every single time. I’ve never told anyone I liked them. I’d rather die than make them feel bad or uncomfortable bc I know they don’t feel the same way.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

At the moment all I can think of is my crush lmao. :’)

40. What do you want to do after high school?

Absolutely nothing bc I’m a dropout. XD Be a completely self-taught author, hopefully.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

Online, I’m probably just really tired and don’t have the energy to be upbeat and/or talk to people. In real life, it’s nothing abnormal; I hate my voice so I don’t talk much and I like quiet. If I’m not using a bunch of emojis (you know how I normally do) when I’m talking, you know I’m either being super serious, or I’m pissed off, or both.

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

NEITHER YIKES I LIKE MY SOLID EARTH THANK U VERY MUCH

46. What are you paranoid about?

Being annoying.

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Nope. Not really planning on it, either. I’m kind of curious as to how I’d be, though. Like I have deep-rooted buried anger issues so I might be angry, but I’m also depressed so I might be a puddle of tears and sadness, BUT my personality is v energetic and happy so… who knows, dude. X’D

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Blue and grey. It has “yo” on the hood. :D

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

Biologically male. please.

54. Favourite store?

?? don’t have one. 

56. Favourite colour?

Navy or a kind of dark aqua-navy kind of colour, like a bit of a green tinge as well? I’m also really fond of yellow too.

58. Last thing you ate?

LEFTOVER HAMBURGER AND IT WAS DELICIOUS I FORGOT HOW MUCH I LOVED HAMBURGERS!!!!!!1!!

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Yeah, dog training competition with our German Shepherd when I was 11.

62. Been arrested? For what?

No yet lmao.

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

I’ll be sure to tell you about it when it happens. XD

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

I don’t have any irl friends so… HELL YEAH!!

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr. Obviously.

70. Names of your bestfriends?

I could literally just list all my Tumblr friends here. I’ve learnt not to get specifically close to any one or two persons. So… all my beans!!! Love you!!

72. What colour are your towels?

Blue! :D I was forced to use the pink towels in the set when I was little and not out as trans so now I surround myself in all the gendered blue bullshit X’D

74. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

….. maaayyyybbbeee.

76. Favourite animal?

D O G

78:Chocolate or Vanilla?

Neither.

80. What colour shirt are you wearing?

It’s my very yellow button down!! :D

82. Favourite tv show?

S E N S E 8

84. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Never seen either oops.

86. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

88. First person you talked to today?

Enna aka Cinnamonpuff aka steverogershield

90. Name a person you hate?

My brother, Mackenzie. :)

92. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

Anyone who mistreats animals.

94.How many sweatpants do you have?

I rarely wear anything but sweatpants, so I have 8. THEY’RE COMFY OKAY. And since it’s usually cold or hot here with no real warm in between, I’m either wearing shorts or sweatpants. It’s only in the rare in-between weather (like now) that I wear my jeans.

96. Last movie you watched?

Can’t remember. I watched the first season of Jessica Jones tho, so… show instead of movie. XD

98.Favourite actor?

TERRY CREWS

100. Have any pets?

YES!!! 3 dogs (one German Shepherd named Ria, a Whippet named Granger, and a mutt named Maude), 3 chickens (Haymitch the black one, Cinna the dark brown one, Effie the pale brown one) and 2 ducks (Peeta and Katniss.) THEY’RE MY BABIES AND I’D DIE FOR THEM!!! :’D

102. Do you type fast?

LMAO APPARENTLY I DO??? My Dad thinks I must type gibberish and makes me type out what he says because he doesn’t think I can type that fast. I only type with 2 fingers normally too. X’D

104. Can you spell well?

w e l l (idk. maybe.)

106. Ever been to a bonfire party?

Yup.

108. Have you ever been on a horse? 

Many times. I LOVE them SO MUCH.

110. Is something irritating you right now?

Yeah.

112. Do you have trust issues?

No. *insert canned audience laughter here* Yes, I do. Big time. Just bc I’m friendly doesn’t mean I trust anyone.

114. What was your childhood nickname?

Matt, actually!! :D

116. Do you play the Wii?

Used to, now I don’t have one anymore and it wasn’t my favourite console.

118.Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Y E S. GIMME!!!!!! :D

120.Favourite book?

Bird by Crystal Chan.

122.Are you mean?

I think I definitely can be very cutting when I lose my temper. But I haven’t done that in years now and I try very hard to be a good person. Luckily my first reaction is normally hurt, so by the time the anger kicks in I normally try and get out of the situation before I can say something harsh.

124.Can you keep white shoes clean?

NOPE. I can never keep anything clean, probably why I like dark colours so much. I literally do not own any white clothes anymore because they always get stained within a few hours of me wearing them asdfghjkl. 😅

126.Do you believe in true love?

Kind of. I believe that no relationship is ever perfect, but if people gel well and COMMUNICATE OFTEN AND HONESTLY the relationship can be amazing. I guess it’s its own kind of perfect relationship. I definitely think there’s people you get along brilliantly with, better than anyone else. There’s somebody in the world for everyone! :D

128.What makes you happy?

Animals. My friends. My OCs. :’)

130.What your zodiac sign?

Pisces!! I definitely think I’ve grown into it over time. X’D

132. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

??? depends on whether I like them back or not, obviously. If I do, I’ll probably scream for a solid week and then decide if I want to drag them into my mountain of bullshit with a relationship, or leave it be. If I don’t, let them down as gently as I can. Also I’m a raging bi, so gender wouldn’t matter. :P

134.Favourite lyrics right now?

My all-time favourite lyrics are from The Judge by Twenty one Pilots:

“When the leader of the bad guys sangSomething soft and soaked in painI heard the echo from his secret hideawayHe must’ve forgot to close his doorAs he cranked out those dismal chordsAnd his four walls declared him insane”

136.Dumbest lie you ever told?

“Did you let Haymitch jump on your back again?”

“Uh… noooo.”

“Then why do you have massive scratches in the clear shape of chicken feet on your back?”

“UHHHHHH-”

i”M A HUFFLEPUFF OKAY I’M NOT GOOD AT LYING X’D

128.How tall are you?

I’m not.

140.Brunette or Blonde?

Like, people I’m attracted to, or for me? I honestly don’t care attraction wise. For me, I guess brunette bc I think I look really weird with pale hair lmao.

142.Night or Day?

NIGHT. Dear god, night.

144.Are you a vegetarian?

NOPE. Honestly think I’d go insane if I didn’t eat meat. XD I mean, I would if I had to, but I’d really prefer not to.

146.Tea or Coffee?

TEA. I hate coffee, I’ll leave that to other people. XD

148.Mars or Snickers?

SNICKERS. Mars are good but… Snickers!!!!

150. Do you believe in ghosts?

Hell fucking yes you bet I do pal!!!!!!

#I love you so much #you asshole #X'D #<3 #BUDDY :D #asks #Matt speaks #about me #get to know me #yike #alex--blue #thank youuu

[is-this-life-or-fantasy]

answer all the ones you wanna

Thank you Anon!! It’s been a DAY and I’m glad to get my mind off everything I need to be doing to do this

“PUT A NUMBER IN MY ASK ;)”

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?~Becca2. Are you outgoing or shy?~Depends on the situation, if I’m with friends I’m much much more outgoing. In general it depends on my mood and type of situation, but it’s probably 50/503. Who are you looking forward to seeing?~Olu! It’s been so long and he’s so good4. Are you easy to get along with?~I don’t really know. I think I can be pretty easy to get along with, but if we differ on something important to me or I have something against you I’m a huge bitch5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?~If she wasn’t also very drunk then probalby6. What kind of people are you attracted to?~Sarcastic assholes7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?~Maybe/I suppose8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?~(This kinds implies there are two genders that are opposites and that’s not the case but I’ll pretend this says what guy) Zach actually because I forgot to venmo him9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?~Nope10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?~I genuinely can’t remember11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?~”Yay!! I’m reading your blog now actually”12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?~1. “Hall of Mirrors” - The Distillers~2. “Dancing in the Moonlight” - King Harvest~3. “Within You Without You” - The Beatles~4. “I Think You Nose Is Bleeding” - The Front Bottoms~5. “Trampoline” - The Front Bottoms13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?~Usually only someone I’m interested in14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?~Fuck yes I do15. What good thing happened this summer?~I went to Virginia Beach on vacation with my friends16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?~yeah17. Do you think there is life on other planets?~Yup18. Do you still talk to your first crush?~Oh hell no19. Do you like bubble baths?~I used to, haven’t taken one in a very long time20. Do you like your neighbors?~Nope21. What are you bad habits?~Oh we don’t have time for all of them, but: biting my fingernails, procrastination, isolation, drinking, smoking, in general bad coping mechanisms, etc.22. Where would you like to travel?~Europe!23. Do you have trust issues?~Oh hell yes24. Favorite part of your daily routine?~Laying down at night to go to sleep25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?~My thighs26. What do you do when you wake up?~Think about how much more sleep I can get without being late27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?~A little darker because this bitch can’t tan28. Who are you most comfortable around?~My close friends29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?~Ex’s? You assume more than one fool has made this mistake30. Do you ever want to get married?~Yea one day31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?~A little one but it’s sad32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?~Robert Downy Jr. and Halsey33. Spell your name with your chin.~ cy45isina (yikes)34. Do you play sports? What sports?~No I can’t sport35. Would you rather live without TV or music?~Omg that’s the nightmare scenario. I guess music36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?~Oh that’s practically my life motto37. What do you say during awkward silences?~I usually make a weird noise or something stupid to break the ice (like doing my Ben routine) or say something random38. Describe your dream girl/guy?~amazing hair, smart, funny, sarcastic asshole, ambitious, dedicated, responsible, reliable39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?~Hot Topic and Target40. What do you want to do after high school?~I mean I’m already doing it, college41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?~Not everyone, but most people42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?~Usually that I’m upset43. Do you smile at strangers?~Depending on my mood, yes44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?~Bottoms of the ocean45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?~Usually the fact that this bitch needs money, or my anxiety46. What are you paranoid about?~Oh everything, it’s mostly stuff related to my anxiety and insecurities47. Have you ever been high?~Yup48. Have you ever been drunk?~Yup49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?~I don’t think so50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?~Black and gray (because this bitch wears two hoodies at the same time)51. Ever wished you were someone else?~When I was younger probably52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?~My mental health status53. Favourite makeup brand?~Um what (this bitch don’t use makeup)54. Favourite store?~Hot Topic55. Favourite blog?~Actual blog: Eileen’s~Tumblr blog: So many but either slime-tony or color-me-erika56. Favourite colour?~Blue57. Favourite food? ~My mom’s mashed potatos58. Last thing you ate?~McDonald’s fries and nugs59. First thing you ate this morning?~Nothing lol, for lunch I had bonchon chicken and fries60. Ever won a competition? For what?~I mean I was valedictorian if that counts? So I guess I won for being able to take test and bullshit assignments 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?~Nope62. Been arrested? For what?~Nope63. Ever been in love? ~Yup64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?~Oh boy. I was in like preschool I think, maybe kindergarden, and me and this boy didn’t know what kissing was other than that adults did it and we were like yea sure this is normal so we kissed sometimes like under tables and shit and looking back super weird thing to do. I don’t remember the first kiss, but it was something like that. My first kiss as not a small small child was Alex I think and boy was that a mistake65. Are you hungry right now?~Nah66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?~(Tumblr friends are real friends) I don’t have friends specific to tumblr I think67. Facebook or Twitter?~Facebook68. Twitter or Tumblr?~Tumblr69. Are you watching tv right now?~Yup, FRIENDS70. Names of your bestfriends? ~I’d call them my closest friends, in no particular order: Eileen, Joe, Erika, Zach, Kim, Alex, Becca, Mars, Tiffany, Sloane, (I want to put Lex on this list too but we don’t talk as much so I don’t know if she sees me as one of her closest friends but I adore her)71. Craving something? What?~Not that I can think of72. What colour are your towels?~Blue, Green, and White72. How many pillows do you sleep with?~Usually 3 (Because they be flat boys)73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?~Yup!74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?~I got rid of most of them when I was younger (I have no idea why I did that I was a total idiot) but anyway no clue because my life is a mess75. Favourite animal?~Honey Badger76. What colour is your underwear?~You assume I’m wearing underwear77. Chocolate or Vanilla?~Ice Cream: Vanilla~Milkshake: Chocolate78. Favourite ice cream flavour?~Banan-a-Peel'n79. What colour shirt are you wearing?~Again you assume I have clothes on80. What colour pants?~See answer above81. Favourite tv show?~SOAP82. Favourite movie?~Noises Off83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?~Mean Girls84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?~Mean Girls85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?~Damien86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?~Dory87. First person you talked to today?~My mom88. Last person you talked to today?~Eileen89. Name a person you hate?~Anna90. Name a person you love?~Tiffany91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?~Oh so many people92. In a fight with someone?~I don’t think so93. How many sweatpants do you have?~Like 4?94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?~5 hoodies? 4 sweatshirts?95. Last movie you watched?~Descendents 296. Favourite actress?~Betty White97. Favourite actor?~Jason Bateman98. Do you tan a lot?~Not at all99. Have any pets?~Sadly no100. How are you feeling?~Not great but I’m still here101. Do you type fast?~Not really?102. Do you regret anything from your past?~I regret a bunch of stupid things103. Can you spell well?~Not at al104. Do you miss anyone from your past?~Yea, sometimes105. Ever been to a bonfire party?~I was at a bonfire but I wouldn’t call it a party106. Ever broken someone’s heart?~Not to my knowledge107. Have you ever been on a horse?~Yes108. What should you be doing?~One of the many many things on the spring break to do list109. Is something irritating you right now?~Oh many things110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?~Oh yea111. Do you have trust issues?~I think this was already asked, but yes112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?~I can’t even remember, but I think Mars, Jake, and Arianne when I was high113. What was your childhood nickname?~Tina114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?~Yup115. Do you play the Wii?~I used to116. Are you listening to music right now?~Nope117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?~Yup118. Do you like Chinese food?~Fuck yes119. Favourite book?~This is a book by: Demetri Martin120. Are you afraid of the dark?~Yea121. Are you mean?~I can be122. Is cheating ever okay?~No, never123. Can you keep white shoes clean?~Nope124. Do you believe in love at first sight?~Yes I’m certain that it happens all the time125. Do you believe in true love?~Yea126. Are you currently bored?~A little127. What makes you happy?~being with my friends128. Would you change your name?~Maybe129. What your zodiac sign?~Gemini130. Do you like subway?~Occasionally (I like the way it smells more than I like the food)131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?~Tell them I’m sorry but I don’t feel the same way132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?~Again with the repeat questions133. Favourite lyrics right now?~”It’s fine, I’m fine, It’s fine”134. Can you count to one million?~I mean I suppose but at what cost135. Dumbest lie you ever told?~”I’m fine”136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?~Always closed137. How tall are you?~5′5138. Curly or Straight hair?~Straight139. Brunette or Blonde?~Brunette140. Summer or Winter?~Summer141. Night or Day?~Night142. Favourite month?~May or December143. Are you a vegetarian?~Hell no I couldn’t144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?~Milk choclate145. Tea or Coffee?~Coffee146. Was today a good day?~Not really, but it was ok147. Mars or Snickers?~Neither148. What’s your favourite quote?~”It’s gonna take a long time…and then it’s perfect”149. Do you believe in ghosts?~Fuck yea150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?~”I’m currently in the thick of the most confusing and terrifying time of my life” BIG MOOD

#me #personal #ask me #it's tina

[listenas-she-whispers]

shanghai

Shanghai Ramblings

Since Tumblr is blocked here and I basically have no contact with anyone at a reasonable hour

7/28/17

Jiejie left today for home and I really wanted to go home with her because I’m really missing the nice weather back at home and all the comforts that come with it. Chinese is still v rusty and not v good but it’s enough to communicate with the relatives, but I’m no where near the confidence needed to speak to outsiders, so idk how work is gonna go. Also I’m p sure Netflix is blocked here but I really wanna stream pacific rim bc it was actually a p good science fiction movie

7/29/17

Woke up around 10am and had a lazy start to the day until the aunt and uncle took me out to see the old Shanghai buildings back in the day called 石库门, and then to a bigger, more modern and much more crowded version of Santana Row called 南京路 and it was really fun bc we walked all the way down to the river and saw the skyline and it was fuckin beautiful and it would’ve been nicer if the weather was better and there were less ppl but it was cool nonetheless. i also showed them the inside of a giant forever 21 and bought a rly cheap pair of aviators(china sizes are much smaller than American ones) so I just decided to get them since they were cheap, even though the material prob isn’t the best. And then we went and ate a vegetarian place that wasn’t that great but wasn’t bad either. Drove through downtown Shanghai and had a p fun convo w the aunt and uncle about my mom’s past dating life and talked some shit about my dad and his fam so that was p fun :) overall it was a good day!

8/6

Forgot to update, oops. The weekend went by gloriously, in which I slept till 11 in the morning both days. Unfortunately tomorrow I have to wake up at 7 again :(, but this time only for 4 days since I get Friday off, and then Saturday I’m flying back to the land of blue sky, white clouds, excellent air quality, and excellent weather! Today was a good day though, bought myself a pair of superstars for only 180 RMB($25!!)three (fake, but decent quality) brand name wallets, gag gifts for Kimia and Nathan, and a nice necklace for jiejie and earrings for her as well. I don’t really wanna go back to work tmr, I just don’t wanna wake up early, and calling ppl is v tedious, and I’m just gonna pretend that I forgot I was supposed to sit next to jade these next four days because sitting next to her means that I actually can’t slack off and take a couple breaks here and there :/ yikes. Got hooked on a lotr pic about thranduil and his wife and Jesus Christ why do I get attached so easily. Been feeling really nostalgic and just wanting to read good books for a long time while listening to easy go acoustic. Also wanting to go home but not wanting school to start because where tf did summer go? Also staying in Asia made me fat and my self esteem lower because wow all the girls here have thin legs and weigh next to nothing and a big part is just genetics but also just them not eating and me gaining weight hasn’t helped and I just ;asldkfsakld. I just wanna get back to 102 where I had a nice jawline and a relatively thin waist like is that too much to ask(it sounds super shallow and superficial and fatshaming but ever since junior year ended and i gained a lot of weight i’ve been feeling really sluggish and not good so this is v much for my mental health). Also I rly wanna just start running again when I get home but school… so yea lots of conflicting emotions at work and part of it is just teenage angst but another big part is anxiety and low self-esteem!! Also I miss social media, even though I am appreciating this break, or a detox as Kimia called it, albeit it wasn’t wanted, but I guess needed? I do miss Tumblr a lot tho. And snapchat, I miss snap a lot. Ok well now I gotta sleep otherwise I’m never gonna wake up early enough shit 

8/7

Dont rly remember what I was gonna write, but I think this was the point where i and the other interns started warming up to each other

8/10

Wow the last day came a lot quicker than I expected. Funny how I was wishing for this internship to end just last week. Had a small farewell party that was p fun, and then went out to karaoke with the interns. Had to leave early bc the aunt smh otherwise I totally woulda gotten smashed with them until like 11 :( that would’ve been fun. I doubt I’m ever gonna see them again, or at least see all of them in one place again, but hopefully some of them visit California and hit me up! That would be p fun. Overall this was a p great experience, despite my angst and general negativity due to the weather here. They’re a fun bunch of people, and heavily remind me of people back home, and I know that even though I’ve only been around them for two weeks, I’ll still be v fond of this experience. At the same time I can’t wait to go home. What a paradox.

8/11

Annoyed at aunt bc for a lot of reasons, but mostly for rude moments and “man-womansplaining” ugh. Also while I’m super glad to go back home, I really don’t want school to start. I just wanna go home and sleep for two more weeks and ignore college apps. Music is keeping me alive, and also missing the interns bc I’m too sentimental for my own good.

8/12

Waiting in the airport rn, w no wifi :( lines for security and immigration were super long so I don't have to wait long to board, but it would've been nice to have wifi and talk w friends before flying off. So ready to land in SF and catch up three weeks of social media loss and remind everyone that I'm still alive haha. 

#ramblings #summer 2017 #shanghai 2017

[time-in-reverse]

I’m alive (on vacation, but still alive)

Tagged by: no one, though I saw @entj-werewolf do it so I thought I’d give it a shot

LAST:

1. Drink: Water 2. Phone call: my dad   3. Text message: my aunt 4. Song you listened to: Pumped up kicks by Foster the People 5. Time you cried: A couple of weeks ago. Reason is embarrassing so I won’t tell. 

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: No. I found out the hard way that my last (and first) ex is a manipulative asshole. Dating him is an experience that I do not want to repeat.   7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Yeah. ^ 8. Been cheated on: Nope 9. Lost someone special: No, although I do wish I’d gotten to know my grandfather from my dad’s side of the family before he died. I would have liked to have gotten his perspective on his and my (narcissistic, unfortunately) grandmother’s divorce. I also think that the divorce deeply impacted my dad (although he doesn’t really talk about it) and I would have liked to see the two have some closure. Unfortunately that’s not possible since he passed away 12 years ago… 10. Been depressed: Yeah, due to loneliness (not clinical depression though, I think that’s an important distinction I need to make).11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: No. I’m underage but have tried alcohol before, don’t like it, and don’t plan on getting drunk any time soon.

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12-14: Blue, Purple, Black

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: No, but I’ve reconnected with some family members (discovered that I got on quite well with my aunt + cousin after a family gathering) 16. Fallen out of love: Yep, although I don’t consider my past relationship “love”, more like “infatuation/idealisation” 17. Laughed until you cried: Yeah. good times man :’) (wish it happened more often, though) 18. Found out someone was talking about you: hahaha… #5. Generally speaking though, my family is very straightforward so whatever they say behind me they say to my face. (Thankfully this has never happened with friends/classmates…) 20. Found out who your friends are: I think I’m in the process of doing that right now. If there’s one good thing that came out of my waste-of-time relationship it’s that it’s given me an opportunity to bond more with my INFJ friend (who went through an eerily similar experience) and my friends from my old school. 21.  Kissed someone on your Facebook list: my ex #regret 

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them. I don’t use Facebook that often though, only to message classmates/friends as I find the constant spamming/ads/people parading their "social lives" annoying 23. Do you have any pets: no, but I hope to have a cat some day :’) 24. Do you want to change your name: I thought about this when I was younger, but nahhh. Brooke fits and is a memorable name IMO  25. What did you do for your last Birthday: I attempted to bake cupcakes without parental supervision but the cupcakes ended up turning into fudge because I forgot to add flour (dang it inferior Se!!). I also ate dinner at Pizza express with my friends.  26. What time do you wake up: Depends. Now that it’s summer I get the luxury of waking up later so 8:30 (school days it’s 6:00 T_T)  27. What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping.  28. Name something you can’t wait for: to finally settle on a college choice (and leave for college, getting tired of high school)  29. When was the last time you saw your mom? 15 minutes ago. Currently at home typing this and she’s outside on the porch  30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: My outlook on things, since I tend to be quite cynical and find it difficult to tamper it at times. I think that with a better attitude, extraneous factors become less daunting so that’s why I picked something personality related.  31. What are you listening to right now: my parents talking outside, lol  32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: my brother and a former classmate are both called Thomas, so yes.  33. Something that is getting on your nerves: my dang siblings (and to a lesser extent, my parents), also college/academic stuff. for the former, I’m getting tired of them (being stuck with them on vacation for nearly 3 weeks is taking its toll. my siblings are getting bored and keep teasing me while my parents keep nagging me to do more chores >_< I wish they would shut up for once and quit irritating me!) while for the latter I’m feeling the pressure to study so I’ll be prepared for SATs and when I go back to school in a month. 34. Most visited website: Youtube/Tumblr/Reddit  35. Mole/s: Yeaah I have quite a few. They don’t bother me too much though 36. Mark/s: A crescent shaped birthmark on my right arm. I find it kinda cool. Then a scar on my 4th finger from the time an elevator door closed on it. On my left arm I have a scar from the time I scraped it against a bookshelf corner (yikes!) 37. Childhood dream: To become a fiction writer. Hasn’t changed much, lol, though now I read a lot more non fiction (psychology B) so that’s a potential area I may look into  38. Hair color: Dark brown 39. Long or short hair: Medium  40. Do you have a crush on someone: Nope (thank god, also).  41. What do you like about yourself: my perceptiveness, sense of humour, and honesty  42. Piercings: Two ear piercings. Unfortunately I got lazy wearing my earrings so the holes have grown in a little.  43. Blood type: A  44. Nicknames? Nope  45. Relationship status: Single 46. Zodiac: Gemini (don’t subscribe to horoscopes so…)  47. Pronouns: She/her  48. Favorite TV Show: Gravity Falls 50. Right or left hand: Right handed all the way! 51. Surgery: …do cavity fillings count? Other than that, nah.  52. Hair dyed in different color: Nope, I like my natural hair color as it is 53. Sport: Basketball/badminton  55. Vacation: Always wanted to go to Scandinavia lol, preferably with friends/alone.  56. Pair of trainers: Stan smiths. the superstar ones. a couple of months ago I decided I’d hop aboard the trend train (these are quite popular atm). these sport a classy look and go well with (almost) any outfit.

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: Not eating anything right now since I had dinner an hour ago.  58. Drinking: Nothing  59. I’m about to: go outside on the porch for some fresh air.  62. Want: a lot of stuff, but right now- some peace and quiet away from my family, also to see my friends again. 63. Get married: Maybe. The way I see it, if someone happens to meet my standards + we’re compatible + they’d be OK without kids then maybe, although it’s not something I’m hellbent on. 64. Career: Writer all the way! 65. Hugs or kisses: in an intimate relationship? hugs/cuddling.  66. Lips or eyes: eyes  67. Shorter or taller: taller.  68. Older or younger: older  70. Nice arms or nice stomach: I don’t really notice this kind of stuff since personality/intelligence is what matters the most to me, but I guess both would be better than without either so both?  71. Sensitive or loud: ehh… I tend to be attracted to ambiverted people so I guess someone in between.  72. Hook up or relationship: Relationship. Would never hook up… I imagine it’d feel cheap and pointless  73. Troublemaker or hesitant: in between

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a Stranger: hell no 75. Drank hard liquor: Again, am underage and don’t like alcohol 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: Don’t own either so no 77. Turned someone down: once. my ex actually (long story, but I turned him down a couple of times before we started going out. Should have stuck with my initial decision(s) ) 78. Sex on the first date: No. Never had it, would never do it that early. Plus, it isn't smart either as I’ve read that the hormones released during sex can muddle your perception/judgment of the other person (first date is vital for seeing if the other person is compatible for a relationship). 79. Broken someone’s heart: I hope not, but I also doubt it. Aside from my ex I’ve never had any guys express outright interest in me so I’ve never rejected anyone. 80. Had your heart broken: Nah. 81. Been arrested: No. 82. Cried when someone died: …don’t know anyone personally who died, so no. 83. Fallen for a friend: Don’t have any male friends and am not bi, so no.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84: Yourself: I guess...  85. Miracles: Yeah.  86. Love at first sight: I think it’s possible but rare. So I’m a skeptical believer, I guess? 87. Santa Claus: when I was a kid, yeah. 88. Kiss on the first date: depends. if i’ve known the other person well enough + there’s been attraction/love prior to dating, then maybe. It’s not something I personally care about that much though, plus my one experience with kissing has been unpleasant (didn’t really enjoy it, the “spark” thing is either a myth or my ex was just the wrong person).

OTHER:

90. Current best friend name: … T_T 91. Eye color: Dark brown 92. Favorite movie: Zootopia, probably. That movie made an impression :P

Not tagging anyone unless anyone wants to do this 

#pure boredom #about me #time in reverse things

[xoxoemynn]

get to know me

The fab @racheloddment tagged me in this quite some time ago, but things are finally calming down enough that I can get back to one of my favorite procrastination techniques... participating in any and all tag games!

name: Emynn nicknames: Em(y) gender: woman star sign: Capricorn (maaaa) height: 5′6″ orientation: I’m bi, bi, bi till the day I die. hogwarts house: Hufflepuff favorite color: Dark purple favorite color to paint walls: I’ve been living in apartments for the past seven years and am too lazy/commitment-phobic to paint them, so I’ve basically been rocking that classic off-white color forever. Although let’s be honest, once I own my own place, I’ll probably still be set off in a panic about painting walls so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ favorite color of lipstick: my go-to is Revlon’s Colorstay Ultimate in #1 Nude favorite animal: alpacas, although literally anything that is cute and fuzzy is my fave time right now: 10:55PM cat or dog person: puppers favorite fictional character: Thank you Rachel for reminding me I did a post all about this! (Although I keep realizing I FORGOT VERY IMPORTANT LOVES OF MY LIFE ugh I’m so sorry darlings) number of blankets i sleep with: depends on how stifling the heat is in my bedroom, usually about four though favorite singer/band: Generally fall back to Alabama Shakes and Arctic Monkeys, although lately I’ve been a total nerd and mostly listening to Broadway soundtracks + the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend soundtrack dream trip: TUMBLR TOUR serious give me a million dollars I need to make this happen dream job: either a writer or a professional house sitter for millionaires. Or both. Because sitting in a mansion to get some peace and quiet to write seems like a fab idea. when was this blog created: ummm...several years ago? But I lurked for several months before actually posting because I was terrified of fucking everything up lmao when did your blog reach its peak: probably when I actually had the time and energy to regular respond with novel-length responses to asks, oops what made you decide to get a tumblr: I got into Doctor Who, and this seemed to be where that crowd hung out. However, that fandom was SUPER intimidating to me here and I did not like it, so I lurked until I fell back in love with QAF. why did you pick your url: emynn = an attempt to spell out my initials, xoxo because emynn was already taken and I’m all about the love. last movie you watched: Amélie! (PS, film is roughly a million times better than the Broadway musical, yikes.) last song you listened to: Am currently listening to The History of Wrong Guys from Kinky Boots. last book you read: Star-Crossed by Barbara Dee, 500000% DO RECOMMEND. (Seriously it’s an 8th grader realizing she likes boys AND girls and it’s so pure and lovely and SHAKESPEARE) last thing you ate: a piece of dark chocolate if you could be anywhere right now, where would you be?: Back in NYC avoiding all my responsibilities and seeing every show there is on Broadway, and then off.  what time would you travel to: Any time I was on vacation tbh fictional character you’d hang out with for a day: Okay Rachel took my first choice, which would be the one and only Emmett Honeycutt, so instead I’m going to go off my usual path and say Father Brah from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend just because I feel like we’d have a grand time and he’d give me some A+ life advice. 

Taking my usual lazy route and saying if you read all this, TAG, YOU’RE IT! And then please tag me in your responses so I can know ALL ABOUT YOU!!! <333

#tagged I'm it #lmao I am REALLY selling myself strong here #be my friend I swear I have worthwhile qualities

[exotahu]

Bronycon 2019 “THE END”

Okay so... I kinda procrastinated on putting this out. I wrote the shell right after the con but only now finished it for posting. I don’t use tumblr much anymore but I couldn’t think of anywhere else to put this. Here is my rundown of the 2019 Bronycon. As per usual, this was written in pieces over time and might be a bit of a mess. I’m not the most coherent person when it comes to writing this sort of thing. So for one final time, Here we go. I apologize if tumblr breaks it all. 

Wednesday

The power went out as I was getting ready to leave. I had everything pretty well prepared ahead of time this time.

 I was super stressed about things going wrong and of fucking shit up actually helped me get my shit together. Still thought, I left the goddamn pop-tarts behind I had bought to have cheap easy breakfasts, but oh well, wasn't the worst thing that could have happened. Left a little bit later than planned but, we weren't too terribly late either despite all this, and we got to Baltimore in good time. Made a couple stops a long the way. Found a nowhere gas station with a super yikes level sticker display next to a rack of GFT comics. Place sure had an aura about it that did not suit my pastel-horse ribbon wearing shenanigans. Made another stop and bought some twisted tea tall boys that I never ended up drinking at some other rando gas station. Made another stop at the Speedway that was a Hess and got some hot dogs. The one with the M&T next to it, that I've stopped at almost every time I've gone down. It’s dumb, but I’m gonna miss that spot. Some of these places, though dumb and random to anyone else, have memories. Like sitting on the hood of my Geo just shooting the shit with friends on the way to Otakon, or my first solo trip where I unintentionally scared the shit outta my parents cause I accidently made them think I was on the wrong side of the state or how I always took the wrong turn and had to use a middle school parking lot to turn around. Recorded a bunch with my phone cause its gonna be a long time until I’m back to some of these places. Little videos or pictures for nostalgic purposes. Made it into the hotel. No issues with the weirdness with the room reservation, thank god. (I had to do some nonsense with having two reservations and rewards points and stuff due to not getting Sunday night in the con block) Pre-reg was starting at 6 and going until late some time so we did other stuff instead. We went to Tir na Nog for dinner and hung out in the inner harbor, went to Barnes and Noble then the ice cream place. Just some of the staples of hanging out in the Inner Harbor. Went to CVS and I bought some more pop-tarts to replace the ones I left at home. Then we went to pre-reg to pick up badges. Line was pretty huge at the start when we walked past to go get dinner, figured it’d get smaller over time, but holy fuck it didn’t. Pretty sure they had no idea that many people were going to show up which was unfortunately a pretty accurate descriptor of the whole weekend tbh. We waited in line for like two hours, but it went fast enough and was kinda fun. Lots of songs being sung and merriment, especially for a two hour line. A bunch of people asked me about my digital badge or goggles. It’s funny how often the answer to “Where did you get those” is so often “Here a couple years ago” or “Otakon, a whole bunch of year ago”. A 4th of all the people registered showed up supposedly. So many people showed up that they capped line but we were already in. Not much to do after so we went back to the hotel for sleep. Got to bed Pretty early. The bar trot wasn't this night so we just went back. Got a great night of sleep sleeping on a mattress that wasn't butt, almost 8 hours. I wish my mattress at home was as good as this hotel one.

 Thursday

 Today was the bonus day. There wasn't much going on con-wise, which was fine. It was good to just relax and wander. I got to meet up with a friend from a discord server I'm in. Wandered around a while and took pictures. Also met up with someone who is actually from Baltimore but is moving to Syracuse (and only like a couple days after the con) Waited for vendor hall to open and hung out as a group for a while. There was a big line to get into vendor. It was in a weird spot this time, inside of the harmony plaza and not its own space. Bought a KDA Akali mask but mostly just did a scope out. The vendor was packed. A little more cramped due to the limited space. It was a little hard to move. Couldn’t maintain unit cohesion. Learned the layout though and where most of the vendors were. Got to briefly see a few other cool people from that Discord sever. Planned to do most of my buying, but Justin lost his hotel key (always get spares), had to go let him in the room. On the way back I did a Rayquaza raid with a couple friends. Me and Josh forgot we were one day away from best friends in game and that raids count towards the daily interaction so we didn't pop a lucky egg, whoops. Ate at Jimmy Johns before going to meet up for opening. Unfortunately, Opening got capped due to space. The BCC got shared with a Rubix cube competition so we only had half the space because I don't think they planned on having their highest attendance ever at over 10k people. We didn't have the top floor big hall so the Mane Hall was in where palooza was and it's certainly not sized to hold that many people. This would be a difficulty the whole weekend. I got back into the Harmony Plaza/Vendor Hall. They were livestreaming the Mane Hall, so the staff set up a huge monitor in Harmony Plaza to watch it sorta live. It was pretty emotional. Even the BCC president showed up and said we should keep going. That was a little rough. Then they did something neat. They got Gilbert Gottfried to sing/read This Day Aria. Everyone in the room went bananas. It was hilarious. I met back up with everyone at the hotel and we headed to the bars. Part of our group went to a ramen place they all like. There wasn't enough space for all of us without waiting an forever, so me and Justin just went to the bars. I started drinking at the Dogs Watch. They didn't have any pony themed drinks but there were pony decorations and music playing. It's a nice atmosphere, it's a bit hard to explain, being in an alcohol establishment with music from a colorful pastel horse show playing. I had 3 vodka cranberries. Met back with everyone and went to The Admiral. They had almost no Trixie left, but still enough for me to have one. And I fucking did it, I got the recipe or at the very least I know the materials. Had some of the other drinks too. There was a Pinkie, Twilight and I believe Tempest? The bartender used Champagne for the Pinkie themed drink because it was the last Bronycon. I had a bunch of those, a couple of the others, then a mix of everything. Everyone in our group went back in groups. Me, Sam and Cody were the last ones in our group. Met up with some cool people. One of the guys ordered a Vodka shot for everyone, and then a Tequila shot. After that before I left I thanked the bartender one more time for all he's done to make the bar one of the highlights of our yearly trip and all the cool theme drinks. (Seriously, if you're ever in Baltimore and drink alcohol, go to Fells Point. Find the Admiral Fell Inn, it's a little underground bar and it is AMAZING, and the bartender is a really cool guy.) Our newly formed group left. We didn't want to walk all the way back to our hotels drunk, which funny enough were all next to each other so we summoned a Lyft. While waiting we took a group selfie. We took two, Cody was missing from the first one and then Sam was missing from the other. Plus there was a random guy in both of them we didn't know who it was. THey were seconds apart and I still don't know how that happened. I got a selfie in front of a lingerie shop which amused drunk me greatly. The Lyft came and we all got in, Don't Stop Believing started playing and we all started singing along. It was a good ride back. We got back and me and one other person decided hey, Palooza is still going, lets go. Met up with a fursuiter on the way. Got to catch the last couple acts. It’s a hell of a time drunk. I could feel the soles of my feet vibrating. I had a blast and then went back to the hotel after it ended. Got to bed at like 3. It's fun to stay up doing the late things but it makes it hard to do early things.

  Friday

 I tried to get up early so I could get there earlier to get one of Baron's commission slots. Alcohol didn't cause many problems outside of a minor headache and mild plumbing problems. Still slowed me down a little. Surprisingly not really hung over aside from that, despite how much I drank. Drink water everybody, it really does help. I went to the con and got into vendor hall. I bought some stuff. I got a Soarin' daki, a game for a friend, among some other things. I bought some original art from Baron too. Didn't get there in time for a commission though. Went to the comic vendor and bought my comics. I'm only missing a couple now. Ended up getting into the line for Whoves Line almost on accident. Got in with no issues, which was cool. It’s good fun, they put on a good show. There was a proposal too which was neat, especially how they did it. Dropped stuff off at the hotel. Went to meet up with our other group and got to see the other hotel we’ve never stayed in. It's fancy af. Our group went to Bubba Gumps and I went in. I figured if it's gonna be my last time here for a very long time I was gonna do it big. Someone jokingly said I should get two Shrimper's Heavens. And then I did it, plus my usual shrimp cocktail. The Great Shrimp Massacre of 2019. Also discovered that their cheese sticks are fuckin massive and I wish I had known. I got a bunch of them that the others couldn't eat. I ate all of that. I did it big. Plumbing didn’t even break. Dropped 100$ at once. It's the most I have very spent on one restaurant trip. I don’t think I’ll be doing that again, but hey, for the final BronyCon that's kinda the point isn't it? We went to ice cream place. (Okay so I don't eat ice cream but they sell some really good tea) Then we went to the Palooza. Forgot to change my socks. Knee-high stockings no good for rave as I discovered. Vylet’s set was absolutely fantastic. (I mean all the acts were great, but she’s a favorite). Also got to see the secret guest whose name was obscured the whole time. I knew who I wanted it to be, and it was. Garnika came back for one more and played a wonderful set. Like usual we stayed the whole thing. It’s so much fun despite knowing waking up will be hard cause I’ll only get like 4 sleep. There is like this odd sense of dread knowing the effect the late night is going to have on you, but you stay anyway because there is such an energy you can't pull yourself away from.

  Saturday

Once again I tried to get up early to get a commission slot form Baron. Didn’t end up making it, however, he said he’d do it anyway, and mail it out. (I'm referring to Baron Engel, he's an artist I really like, go look him up!) It's a picture of Fluttershy dressed as Jotaro from JJBA. I've gotten it now and it's really good! I bought more stuff, including another daki that Kyle and Josh jokingly pointed out to me. Didn't think I was going to, but I couldn't turn down the price the guy gave me. I lined up for VA panel script reading. It was an EqG script about the cast graduating and the Celestias swapping places and causing chaos. It was not so subtly about the end of the con. I started to tear up. I realized that was gonna be a common theme throughout the weekend, I fuckin knew it. I do not like crying, especially in public. The closer we got to the end the worse it got. Ran into the cosplay photoshoot which was neat, and there was another proposal. After that I made a hotel deposit and got some Jimmy Johns, and then went to anthology panel. Because of course it was, Gardevoir community day was the same weekend as the con. I bought a new Pokemon+ thing that does it automatically, so I still got to play despite being in a panel or in line for most of it. It was alright. Anthology was great (and holy shit a little raunchier than usual), But then at the end they told us that it was actually longer and they had to cut it for time. (To which I call bullshit, any additional content I’ve seen was far too explicit for the actual con, lul). Went to the Palooza for one final time. I remembered to change my socks this time. Saw Black Gryph0n and Michelle Creber, and then the super band made up of a large variety of fandom musicians. It was really cool. Even got to hear an orchestral performance of one of 4everfree's songs which is something I've not seen them do before. Things ran a little long and it threw the schedule off a bunch. 2 AM hit and Eruobeat hadn't gone yet. (2 is usually when we have to leave by) But Eurobeat did get to do his set despite this because whoever was in charge decided to be cool. "We're suposed to be out by 2, but its 2 and Eurobeat has to play still. We can stay for this but, but when it’s over I'm gonna need y’all to get the fuck out.” And then Eurobeat performed he was one of the first fandom musicians and one of the first to perform at the original BronyPalooza. And of course, for his final song, he performed his 2019 version of Discord. The whole fuckin' room went nuts. It was nothing short of magical. It was the perfect way to end it, the final Bronypalooza. The energy in the room was insane. Bronypalooza was always one of my favorite parts of the con. I’m told other EDM concerts are crazier, but I don’t know if I want crazier. There was something absolutely magical about a room full of all different kinds of people losing their shit to pastel horse based music waving dakis and plushies and some in full fursuit and some in cosplay and some in plain clothes and every kinda nonsense you can imagine. Just rocking out and having a good time. It's an experience and a kind of magic that I don’t know what will ever be able to compare. I'll never forget it.

 Sunday

THE FINAL DAY. I switched over reservations with no issues and went to the con. Ended up mostly wandering around the vendor hall yeeting money away before lining up for closing. I recorded a bunch of wandering around. There was a Bronycon memorial shrine that was set up too that people had left all sorts of crazy stuff at too. I bought some random but cool stuff. I also commissioned a badge of my pony character! (Better late than never huh?) Was gonna buy a couple things but ended up not. I ran into Vylet wandering the vendor hall! Got a picture with her and Namii!. Lined up for closing, which turned into a bit of a clusterfuck. It got capped again due to room. In the clusterfuck I was able to meet back up with Andy, Sam, and Justin. However while in line I got to see a whole bunch of con staff set up huge monitors to stream it to the overflow room so as many people as possible can see it. It was... very emotional, was pretty much just sobbing in a whole room full of people. Got a conclusion to the mascot storyline too. I never want to forget how I feel after these things. Walking out of the con center for the last time was fucking surreal. I've been there so many times. I remember being confused by the layout the first couple times and by the end, I had the whole thing memorized. (Okay, I couldn't remember lobby names for shit, but I knew where it all was.) I cried a whole bunch as we all walked out together reminiscing. We sat in the hotel room as a group just kinda being sad and reminiscing and decompressing for a little while. Then we went to a bar after party event things in a place I’d never been. It was a pretty relaxing atmosphere. Instead of being in the bar we sat outside on these sofa things on the deck rather than watching the concert on the inside (But hoenstly it was so loud you could hear it well enough). A lot of the non-EDM rock musicians there. It was honestly really nice sitting there under the open sky just listening to music. Feeling the sunset while the city lights get brighter and the sky fades to dark was nice. I checked Pokemon Go since I had my automatic bracelet thing doing it's thing, turns out I caught a random Shiny Alolan Geodude. I nicknamed it the Bronycon Memorial Rock, it's a Golem now. Had some shots too. After a while we went back to the hotel. We decided to do a Insomnia Cookie order, since it went so well last year. And oh was it a clusterfuck. So we made our order. I forgot to mention that we were in a hotel so I called them and they said they'd call us when they got there and that I would come down. Roughly 15 minutes later, the call came. I said I'd be down. I went to the lobby and found a delivery man with a white box. He comes up to me and asks me if I was the one that ordered pizza. Nope, wasn't me. He got a little frustrated but continued to wait for his people. No cookie delivery guy. I call him back. This was basically the convo: "Hello, I'm down in the lobby but I can't find you" "Wait, it wasn't you that picked up the cookies?" "No I just got here, there is a confused pizza man down here though." (I should note that they're both white square boxes) "Oh fuck I'm so sorry I gave it to the wrong person we'll remake your order and come back" "No problem man, it happens to the best of us, I'll just wait down in the lobby this time" I repeated the order, he apologized and hung up. The pizza guy just left the pizza with the front desk. I saw that they still had the menus up for the pony themed alcohol so I ordered an Applejack(Apple brandy, hard cider and ice). Accidentally ended up calling another friend trying to call the cookie guy back who also happened to be at a bar back home and had a chat about what we were drinking/doing so that was cool. Eventually the cookie guy came back and we had cookies. Then everyone wanted pizza. Yet another clusterfuck occurred, turns out they ran out of dough or something so after like a half hour wait, we got our money back. After that we just went to sleep.

  Monday

We packed everything up and loaded the car when we got up. Then we decided to have one last day in the inner harbor. We went to Tir Na Nog as a big group for one last time, then headed to the aquarium. The aquarium is nifty. I like to watch the jellyfish. They're so goddamn relaxing. Even one of the employees said the same thing. We left and took a group picture in the harbor before finally heading back. Once again, leaving was a bit sombre, there was just such a finality to it, walking past the BCC down Pratt St. After hanging out in the hotel lobby for a little bit, we got on the road to home. During the ride back, It ended up coming up why the area is significant to me and why I wanted to do certain things and why this whole crazy thing started in the first place. I never really bring it up, but it felt kinda good to talk about it. It was a relatively uneventful ride home. We stopped at a McDonalds at some point. Got home, unpacked and crashed, feeling exhausted from the weekend.  

  Conclusion:

 Yeah it's no secret I procrastinated writing/finishing this for a couple months. I guess I just didn't want to deal with it being over. I've mentioned before that this con and the surrounding area is pretty important to me. A yearly tradition that I looked forward to and saved for. I had gone to Otakon almost every year between 2006-2012. Once I realized interest in Otakon had waned, I got kinda sad, but then something wild happened. Bronycon announced they were moving down to a new location. The Baltimore Inner Harbor in the BCC. I had been talking with a couple friends about going to the next Bronycon and that absolutely cemented it. That was 2013. Then in 2014, I was contacted by some guy my dad worked with who was wondering if I had intended to go the next year. That's how I met Andy. I made a bunch of friends through the con/show and reconnected with old ones too. I made sure to go down every year since. Aside from 2010, I've gone to the Baltimore Inner Harbor every year since 06. It's gonna be hard knowing I won't be back there for a while most likely. I've got a bunch of memories down here across many years. I know this has been totally disjointed because I'm writing it months later, coming off the MLP series finale, so I'm feeling some feels. I think that's part of why I decided to finish it now. I've said for a while that Bronycon was one of the best conventions I've ever attended. The atmosphere was something unique and magical. I don't think I could ever describe it properly. I don't think I'll ever find anything that quite captures the magic, but one thing is sure, I'm never gonna forget the times we've had here. It really has been magic.

#bronycon bronycon2019 ididntmeantowaitthislong