#so i’ll be back at this horrible carnival again someday | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

peeterparkr · 5 years

Text

Clear|t.h.

Chapter 1: Feeling blue

pairing: surfer!tom x reader

word count: 3.8k

warnings: exposition, swearing, death mention, alcohol mention

summary: Feeling blue has a totally different meaning when you’re at the beach.

series masterlist

prologue

next chapter

special thanks to @whatmakesmehappyy for being my amazing editor ily Sierra and to @spiderboytotherescue for being my beta reader you’re amazing amber ily tysm

a/n: ready for a Hawaiian roller coaster ride? haha no, I’m kidding, it won't be in Hawaii, but I was... get it? haha, what I’m trynna say is sorry, this will be a rollercoaster.

Y/N used to love road trips, they meant having fun, listening to music, singing her heart out, and new adventures. Her sister, Joanne, used to love it even more; she loved how y/n was always cheerful and happy.

Y/n was always coming up with a joke to crack Joanne up, she’d come up with games to keep the trip fun. Joanne used to love the different stages of their road trips with the different songs for each and every single mood. It would always start with “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”, the version by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. It was a song which made y/n happy, she would say that it’d get her in the mood for road trips, especially when they went to the beach, it was her “happy place” song. Joanne remembered how she’d lousily and lazily hum along to the notes and pretend like she was playing the ukulele whilst making silly faces to the mirror so Joanne would see. Y/n’s voice was definitely never on key, but she enjoyed it. Then it’d change from her relaxed vibes to the latest songs by the biggest pop sensation at the time, to Queen, to the Beatles, to songs that usually were sung by drunk people at bars, and it’d finish with some Backstreet Boys just because, sometimes it was Britney. Their mother would always bring up how silly they were but, without a doubt, would always join them.

They’d go nearly every summer to the town where their mother had grown up and they’d visit and spend the whole summer with their grandparents when they were younger. As they grew up though, they started to go less and less; they hadn’t gone since their grandmother had passed away. And since y/n’s incident. At least not together, y/n had refused to come, and Joanne had only gone a few days to visit grandpa.

But they were back on the road to visit their grandpa who was just really excited to see them; however, the three of them were cold and didn’t show the same enthusiasm. Joanne didn’t want that, it wasn’t her grandpa’s fault.

This road trip was different, it was quiet, and it had been like that from the start. Y/n hadn’t played “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” and, instead, she was just staring blankly outside the window. Joanne didn’t blame her, but she had expected this trip to go better. Their mother had made sure that this trip would help y/n to clear her mind, get her mind off everything. Their mother just wanted to see her smile again. They all did. Joanne did, especially.

Joanne missed y/n and her light, her charm, her quirky comments, her sarcasm, her silly jokes, her paintings, her ideas, and her stupid and annoying laugh. She missed her. She missed her because whoever was on the front of the car with her earphones plugged in wasn’t her sister, she looked like her, but it wasn’t y/n. She even missed fighting with her, not because she wanted to actually fight, but she just wanted any part of the old y/n she could get, even if it meant arguing. At this point, anything would work for Joanne. She hoped her mother was right, she needed her sister to smile right away. However she knew she had to give her time, and she had to help with it.

“Do you guys want anything?” Were the only words her mother had pronounced on the trip when she had stopped for gas. Both y/n and Joanne had declined the offer.

And they were off to the quiet road again. Joanne enjoyed her music and watched the pretty view. She wished for her sister to have a new adventure.

Y/n had gone through the roughest years. Her high school boyfriend had proposed to her shortly after they graduated high school, she was happy and even brighter than usual, sure they were young, really, really young, and all of y/n’s family were hesitant on approving, but they wanted to marry before they could even finish college. They said they were meant to be. They had never been a perfect match, but y/n was happy, so Joanne had stayed quiet.

However, Matt passed away shortly after he had proposed, and there was clearly nothing much y/n could do, she would say, but to blame herself and never try to love again. The love of her life was gone, and she blamed herself, and she kept blaming herself, it was her fault. They had just had a fight, a big fight. It didn’t even matter why they had fought now. She said it had been something stupid, something silly. However, Joanne knew that it hadn’t been a silly argument, it was far from silly; it had all come around to the last summer they had gone to the beach. After their fight, Matt decided to go out for some drinks and decided to text y/n horrible, terrible stuff. While he sent the horrible texts he was driving, he wasn’t good at making any responsible decisions, clearly. He crashed. To this day, y/n still felt guilty.

The years had gone by now, but y/n hadn’t been bright since then, she had never smiled for more than a few seconds, and she had barely got out. She was clearly off.

Y/N had stopped painting, that’s when both Joanne and her mother realized she had touched bottom.

After a few months later, she had sheltered herself in movies, she’d watch a new one every week, she said it helped her. A while later, and after many friends trying to set her up, she tried to date. But she would always find lame excuses as to why she didn’t like the guy, or as to why they weren’t a match, or how she hadn’t like the restaurant, or the movie he had chosen, or his clothes, or his eyes, or his watch, or his glasses. She began to classify people as characters she had seen in movies, and explained to Joanne why she couldn’t date them, because they would probably break her heart, or because they were probably not into her because they weren’t the type of people to fall for someone like her or Joanne’s favourite: “he probably committed a crime”. Her excuses started to become amusing, which was a clear sign that y/n was probably healing. Until summers, summers were blue.

Joanne knew that y/n didn’t believe in all that bullshit and that it was just another clever attempt to avoid any type of joy. Y/n never failed to come up with different ways to avoid what she wanted, but Joanne was sure y/n would someday fail.

Joanne understood it could be hard, but at the same time, she couldn’t believe her sister was still not over her high school sweetheart. She understood the pain, but she didn’t want y/n to be as closed off as she was, she needed to move on. Y/n was now a firm believer that love wasn’t worth it.

They arrived at their grandpa’s house that conveniently had a way to the beach, so it was the perfect destination. He was out there to greet them with a bright smile and a warm hug. Joanne hugged him first, then it was her mother and finally y/n. Y/n had turned to look at the water and Joanne swore she saw a smile across her face. Her thoughts were confirmed as y/n turned to her grandpa. She gave him a small smile. It was a smile, that was a start.

They talked with their grandpa for a while until Joanne asked y/n to go walk by the beach and see the carnival. Y/n agreed and they changed into their swimsuits and put on some shorts, t-shirts, sunglasses and they both put some sunscreen on. When they were ready, Joanne made sure to promise her mother she’d make her smile.

Y/n was quiet, but Joanne was trying to make conversation about what she wanted to do for her birthday. Joanne was finally turning 21.

“It’s not that big of a deal, really,” the 22-year-old said as they approached the crowds on the beach. “I like the beach better back at grandpa’s, it’s quieter, ‘specially at sunset. It’s prettier.” Y/n was looking around, and they approached the usual crowds that were watching a volleyball game, or buying drinks or ice cream. The blue waves were calming, even if there were people splashing and surfing here and there. But it looked pretty and made y/n smile as she enjoyed the blue sky that perfectly combined with the water. She loved the colour blue, maybe that was why she constantly felt that way. Blue.

There was the usual summer carnival at the beach and y/n and Joanne used to love it, however, it wasn’t as exciting on that day. It brought back some memories, though. There were a lot of stands, people selling clothes, food, girls taking pictures, guys drinking, and a lot of children yelling. It was the peak of the summer, busy day. There was a Ferris wheel that seemed fun, and some other carnival rides, which went ride after ride, with the buzzing screams and laughs coming from them.

“Uh, we should stay here until the sun goes down, it always gets better,” Joanne said. “I like the lights.”

“Sure.” It was a nice Sunday, after all. The sea was gorgeous and blue. “I love the sea, but I can’t help but be terrified by it.”

Joanne didn’t understand how her sister was always so into her world, so immersed in her own sad reality that it even made the sun fade out.

“Same,” Joanne admitted as they were watching it from the carnival. “Have there always been so many surfers?”

“It’s hot,” y/n pointed out, completely ignoring Joanne’s question. Joanne wasn’t sure if she was being serious or merely sarcastic.

“Uh-huh,” Joanne agreed.“We should go ride the bumper cars.”

“Bumper cars?” y/n chuckled.

“We used to love them,” Joanne said.

“Ah, don’t pull the nostalgia card just now, it’s the first day, give me a break. Besides, I’ll get dizzy, also... I’m hungry,” she said as she pointed to a stand of hot dogs. “So, let’s dig in.”

They ate quietly as y/n watched everyone, she didn’t exactly look angry, but she didn’t look happy either. Joanne guessed it brought back the wrong kind of memories.

“Want some ice cream?” Joanne offered as they walked back to the beach.

“Sure.”

Sure had become y/n ’s favourite word lately, the less she spoke, the better.

They both walked over to a stand as Joanne watched some guys approach them. They had all surfboards and were dripping water, they were the guys Joanne had been staring at before. They were all really really attractive, Joanne thought.

“Oh, this suddenly got interesting,” Joanne smirked as she nudged her sister in an attempt of trying to make her smile.

Y/n turned around to see them and just raised her eyebrow and shrugged. “Meh.”

“Seriously?” Joanne frowned.

“Not my-“

“Not your type,” Joanne finished her sister’s sentence.

“I mean, they’re all trying to clearly show off,” y/n said and Joanne had to agree. “Get rid the surfboard and they’re not that attractive.”

“Huh, you think?” Joanne laughed. “That blond one really caught my eye.”

“Eh, I guess he’s cute, but, c’mon Jo, please, the bigger the surfboard...” y/n conceited mischievously and Joanne faked ignorance. “I’m just saying, they probably are compensating for something,” y/n smirked and winked at Joanne causing her to laugh.

Joanne watched them, it wasn’t particularly true. The three guys were attractive, really attractive. There was blond one with beautiful blue eyes, a black-haired one with green eyes and a curly brown haired one. They were laughing loudly, and Joanne saw she wasn’t the only one staring, they had everybody’s attention. They smiled at Joanne, causing her to blush. Y/n rolled her eyes.

Y/n turned to the ice cream stand and ordered the two ice creams. She noticed the boys in line behind her. The one with brown hair started laughing loudly, trying to get her attention, they reminded her of some animals she’d seen at the zoo. He kept on laughing until one of his friends pushed him and he tripped. He almost fell into Joanne but he overcompensated and accidentally swung his board into y/n’s ice cream, sending it straight into her chest.

“Shit.” The guy dropped his board as he brought his hands to his mouth.

Y/n closed her eyes as she lift up her arms, she had to bit her tongue to stop from cursing. She flicked her hands, cleaning off the remaining cone as she finally looked up at the three surfers, the blond and black haired boys were holding back some giggles.

“Oh my gosh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” The brown haired guy apologized as he reached over for some napkins, he clumsily tried to clean but y/n was quick to back up and push away his hands. “I- sorry, here, uh,” He gave the napkins over to her.

She picked them and started to clean herself up.

“You know, sweetheart, the wet t-shirt contest hasn’t started, but hey, you’re already winning,” The black-haired boy said.

“I sorry, uh, want me to buy you another one? Sorry, Oh my god, I didn’t mean to… The surfboard-” The brown haired guy glared at his friend and turned to the angry y/n.

“Yes, the surfboards,” y/n said as she frowned. “Shoot.” Y/n rolled her eyes as she took her t-shirt off to reveal her swimsuit.

“Oh, now we’re talking,” the black haired guy continued.

“I… can I buy you another ice cream, please, I’m sorry,” He continued. “I… I…” He blushed and then cleared his throat. “I’m Tom.”

“And I didn’t ask,” y/n snapped. Joanne squeezed her eyes shut, as she shook her head.

“She’s y/n and I’m Joanne,” Joanne said with a grin, y/n frowned and opened her mouth in disapproval. “So you’re Tom,” Joanne recalled and then her eyes were set on the blond guy. “And I didn’t catch your name?”

“He didn’t throw it,” y/n hissed, Tom chuckled.

“I’m Harrison, and this is Jared,” The blond guy said as he introduced himself and his friend. “So you guys are new?”

“Yes, we are!”

“No, we are not,” y/n glared at her sister. Tom was suppressing a laugh but he was still embarrassed.

“I mean-- shut up, y/n,” she murmured on her sister’s ear, making y/n cross her arms. “Technically, we’re just here on vacation, we’ll be here the whole summer.“

“I’m glad, so I’ll get to see your pretty face,” Jared smirked.

Joanne blushed.

“Okay, may I leave? Flirt all you want with these show-offs, but I need to… Ugh,” Y/n frowned.

“I mean, you can thank me, your shirt wasn’t as sweet,” Tom commented, trying to make a joke but y/n just raised her eyebrows.

“And we’re the show-offs? You’re the one who took off your shirt,” Harrison added.

Y/n glared at him.

Tom chuckled but then turned back to y/n, clearing his throat. “No, but seriously, if you want me to, I’ll buy you another cone, or a shirt if you want-.”

“Don’t worry about the ice cream!” Joanne blurted.

“Don’t worry about the ice cream?” Y/n gawked in surprise as she frowned. “Oh my god, Jo, please don’t, look, gentlemen, I’m going to leave with the little dignity I have.”

As y/n was walking away, Joanne realized she had screwed up.

“Look, I’ll… we’ll see you guys later, right?” Joanne asked as she was supposed to follow her sister, she stayed instead. Her mission to cheer up her sister had already been crushed.

“Sure, we’ll show you all the parties,” Harrison said. “And that sounded lame, but you got the deal.”

Joanne smiled.

“Wait… uh, seriously, I’ll buy her another shirt or, something to help?” Tom insisted.

“No, don’t worry, we’d need to buy another personality,” Joanne mumbled to herself.

“Wait, I’ll… y/n,” Tom followed her, as he stopped her. “C’mon, it was an accident. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, it’s okay,” y/n said looking down at her messed up t-shirt.

“Well, then… can I buy you ice cream? A drink?” Tom grinned. “Or a shirt, really there are some nice t-shirts back in the carnival, I saw one with Superman, I liked that one, it looked cool.”

“I’m more of a Spiderman girl, but I’m fine.”

“Maybe I could get some more ice cream and dirt the back so it can match,” Tom offered with a chuckle.

“You’re trynna be funny, I see.”

“Witty actually, but sure,” Tom gave in. “So, a drink?”

“Don’t get me wrong,” y/n stared him up, “But I’m not exactly looking forward to a guy like you buying me a drink when I have my shirt off.”

Tom cackled. “Please, you’ve got your bikini,” Tom shrugged. “It’s the beach, everyone is half naked... let me, just, look, I’ll take my shirt off.”

Y/n glared at him as she started to walk away. “I’ll pass, have a nice day.”

Tom didn’t hesitate and took his shirt off just to realize the girl was gone and he ran after her.

“Oh c’mon, please, now we’re even,” Tom said.

“Even?” Y/n laughed sarcastically as she continued walking. “Look, you said you’re sorry, that’s fine, I don’t need any more apologies.”

“Yeah, but I feel bad, I feel guilty,” Tom pouted.

“Too bad.”

“Oh, god, you hate me, don’t you?” Tom joked. “C’mon, maybe I can say some awful jokes? I know some surfing puns, can I interest you in one?”

Y/n stopped as she crossed her arms and smiled. “Fine,” she shrugged. “Go ahead.”

“Oh,” Tom grinned and then frowned. “Oh shoot, I may not know any, no, no, don’t walk away, uh, the… the first time I tried to surf the web I… ended up breaking my surfboard.”

Y/n stared at him blankly.

“Okay, tough crowd,” Tom chuckled. “Uh, how do surfers say hello to each other?”

“They wave?”

“Oh damn, now I feel stupid, shorely this is awful.”

Funnily enough, that made her smile.

“Oh, that? Really? That one? That one made you smile?” Tom chuckled.

“You’re very persistent, huh?” Y/n looked over, as Tom chuckled. “Of course,” she said as a realization hit her. “Of course, you’re one of them.”

“If by “them” you mean someone who’s trying to be nice, then yes.” Tom chuckled.

“You’re a surfer, which is basically, the equivalent of the dumb football captain,” Y/n snapped her fingers, laughing to herself. “Should’ve known.”

“A dumb football player,” Tom repeated, incredulous.

“What I mean is I should stay away from you,” y/n explained.

“Ah, c’mon, I’m fun, friendly, I’m the whole package.”

“Oh, no, please, Tom, right? Right, look, Tom, you don’t wanna be around me, I’m not the kind of friend you want.”

“Fine, then enemies we shall be,” Tom offered her his hand and she quickly stared at it before shaking it.

“Have a terrible day,” Y/n smiled at him, as Tom shrugged.

“You too, but trust me, I’ll bet that by the end of the summer, you’ll be either in love with me or so tired of me that you’ll eventually give in to my charm.”

“Lack of it, really,” Y/n pointed out.

“Rude, but call me whenever you need more ice cream on any other clothes,” Tom grinned. Y/n rolled her eyes.

And with that, they went separate ways.

Joanne had kept talking to Harrison when she noticed Tom coming back.

“She’s a tough one, but got a smile, I can live with that,” Tom chuckled. “I really do feel bad.”

“You made her smile?” Joanne grinned.

“He took off his shirt, of course he made her smile,” Haz laughed.

Joanne shook her head with a smile as she then excused herself and left the three guys. She tried to look up for her sister.

“They were pretty,” Haz commented.

“Yeah, dibs on both,” Jared said.

Tom rolled his eyes, as he was ordering something to drink. He was exhausted, he had been surfing all day and he had barely slept the day before, so clearly, he wasn’t in the best mood. However, Y/n had made his day, in a way.

The three friends continued having fun, it was his free day, after all. They played some volleyball, kept riding the waves and relaxing.

His friends kept playing volleyball, or flirting with some girls, or maybe they had gone to drink, he didn’t care. He just sat by the shore, staring at the blue water as the waves foamed near his feet. He breathed in to capture the sunset in its best picture. He could never get tired of it.

“Tommy!” A voice startled him, he squeezed his eyes shut as he heard the footsteps approaching him.

“Tom!” The brunette yelled again as he had just rested his head on the sand. He covered his face.

“Lex.” Was the only word that he muffled.

“Hey, baby,” she greeted him.

“Don’t call me that, we’re not together, remember?” Tom reminded her as he sat up. “You made that clear.”

“Ah, we’re getting technical now, are we?” She sat beside him, as Tom just side-eyed her. She was all covered in sand, and her green bikini was slightly revealing.

“You broke up with me,” Tom snapped. “And I’m good with that, and I’m sure you are, too.”

“Oh, Tommy, always so serious,” Alexa said as she placed a kiss on his neck making her way up and then back down to his chest, she sucked on his skin, Tom closed his eyes. “We could always get back for a night.”

“So that’s what this is about,” Tom rolled his eyes as he laughed.

“Beach house?” Her eyes were flirty, as her fingers walked across her chest.

“Beach house.”

Not too far from them, Y/n was sitting on the porch of her Grandpa’s house, with a sketchbook resting on her lap and a pencil on her hand. She was quietly enjoying the music the sea was providing her, waiting to get back the long inspiration she had once lost in that exact same place.

She gave up, eventually, but decided to keep on listening to the melody. She was feeling blue, but not in her usual blue.

series masterlist

masterlist

prologue

next chapter

wanna be tagged?

tag list @exoticeggos @nextkaratekid @multifandom-fangirl4 @fortheloveofmcu @flashcal @iwillalwaysbevictorious @thekidsofneibolt @quicksoldier @totallyreadyforthis s @quacksonqueen @yoinksholland @lovelyh0lland @typicaltrashbagg @supernatural-trash-lover @assumeimapenguin @americaswritings @nano-hero @paradoxparker @its-livelovelife e @its-tchalla @butwhyduh @strangerthingsluv v @leena-xoxo @toms-darling @ivyohmy @greenarrowhead @softboyparkerr @tom-hollands-eyelash @jtorressuck @clairesrainbow @desirableprey @fairydustparker @newlove-neweverything @ymeradonnadx @underoosmarvel @patdandtop @its-the-unknownspideywrites @savethebabyseals @hermionedeservesbetterthanron @quitetommy y @tomhaz @wronglanemendes @itsvianny @marvelousxtsh @arya-di-angelo @jake-and-amy-are-married @starlightfound @tiredfeels @thespiderdweeb @kill-the-stereo @thequeensardine @originalpinkpowerranger @anxiousdesignerdancerbandlover @kindadefinitely-fucked @happywolves81 @kaciidubs @nedthegay @skylar-mendes @emma-worthington

#tom holland x reader #tom holland x you #tom holland series #tom holland x y/n #tom holland fic #surfer!tom #surfer au #surfer!tom holland #tom holland fluff #tom holland angst

398 notes · View notes

duckybeth99 · 7 years

Text

so I don’t think I’ve ever posted my pirate au playlist or if I have it’s really out of date so here it is as of now, sep. 2017, with all my little jotted notes next to it. it’s mainly for placement clarity/timeline purposes and some songs are directly related to fics and if they aren’t then they will be eventually

-Out There (from Hunchback of Norte Dame) - Merhib’s father enforces his strong hold over his son. Merhib thinks of how he only knows the world from books and what he sees outside windows and dreams of being able to be out amongst other people. -Aira (Beauty and the Beast 2017) From Merhib’s birthday. The singer before Neva, when Merhib dances with Virginica much to his lack of enjoyment. -Winter’s Waltz [Score] (Frozen) Merhib spends time with Neva on his birthday and dances with her, slowly falling in love with her. -Just Around the Riverbend (Pocahontas) Neva, while now engaged, still dreams of adventure and doing more with her life before becoming a wife. -Left Behind (Spring Awakening) Merhib thinks over his life and relationship with his father at his funeral. -Evermore (BatB 2017, Josh Groban version) After Merhib’s first meeting with Neva after years, he dreams of seeing her again. -Part of Your World (Reprise) [Little Mermaid] Neva sails away from her first encounter with Merhib in years but dreams of seeing him again. -As Long As You’re Mine (from Wicked) As time passes, Merhib and Neva’s relationship intensifies. -Rosalina in the Observatory/Luma’s Theme [Score] (Super Mario Galaxy) The wedding dance with Neva and Merhib. -Belle (from BatB) Beth, now a young lady, is complimented for her beauty inside and out, but she’s still seen as an odd girl when growing up in the village, from her love of education, her wild and adventurous nature, to her curiosity of pirates and fondness for the sea. Meanwhile, Aquilo is sure he’ll be the perfect suitor for Beth and can tame her, if only Beth gave him the time of day. -How Does a Moment Last Forever (BatB 2017) Ghost tells tales of love to Beth and provides for her hope for the future of no longer feeling trapped and finding love someday. -Stories (BatB: The Enchanted Christmas) Beth tells of how she loves books and wishes her father shared the same love, and she could someday tell him of the adventures she dreams of. -The Barber and His Wife (Sweeney Todd) Ghost confesses where his hate of pirates comes from: the loss of his wife and children. He lies to Beth and tells her that her mother was lost similarly to protect her, and hope it will silence her curiosity. -Till I Hear You Sing (Love Never Dies) Merhib laments the loss of his wife and envisions her ghost haunting him. -Honor to Us All (Mulan) After getting an ultimatum from her father for her next suitor match to work, or else he’ll chose for her, Beth is forced to get ready to be perfect for her meeting. She despises every moment. -To Be A Princess (Barbie as the Princess and the Pauper) Ghost gives a final instruction to Beth of how to behave properly with Johnny’s help, and he can’t help but see his almost-daughter grow up before his eyes. -Belle (Reprise) [BatB] After a horrible meeting, Beth begs for adventure and to be free from her father’s plans to marry her off. -How Far I’ll Go (Moana) Beth dreams of the sea again, going so far as to climb the roof of the mansion to see the sea line as far as she can (something that’s left Merhib constantly changing the gates of the house to be taller so she can’t see out). -Colonnade Chat [Score] (BatB 2017] Johnny reveals to Beth his keeping safe of Neva’s diary. She reads it and discovers the truth of her mother, her trust in both her father and Merhib wavering. -How Far I’ll Go (Reprise) [Moana] Beth makes her escape with her mother’s diary to board a random ship. Unknown to her, Johnny and Ghost are following her. -Home (Reprise) [BatB musical] Beth, still coming to terms with the permanent choice that she’ll never be able to return home, is comforted by Captain Red, the best friend to her dead mother. -A Guy Like You (HoND) Alex’s crush on Beth isn’t very subtle, especially to his ‘siblings’. They all offer a odd mix of supper and tease as they encourage him to go after Beth, despite the somewhat ridiculous advice. -A Million Miles Away (Aladdin musical) Alex tries to be genuine and himself with Beth, and both reveal a dream of going on adventures in the sea, as leader of their own ship and crew. -The Ocean Chose You [Score] (Moana) Beth sees the beauty, magic, and mysteries of the seas. -Where I Want to Be (Live) [Chess in Concert] Merhib laments over losing Beth and begins to suffer mentally from the toll, and begins sending out bounty hunters after his daughter. -Balue [Score] (Klonoa) Pirate battles against the AB Alliance. -Home (Extended Mix) [Score] (BatB 2017) Beth begins to reconsider the dangers of being part of pirate life. -Days In the Sun (BatB 2017) Beth sees that, despite loss and suffering, everyone around her in the Alliance and at Pock Point somehow maintains hope and happiness, unlike her father who drowned in sorrow, and how she’s finding herself doing. -Can’t Help Falling In Love with You (The Book of Life) Alex serenades Beth. -If You Love Me For Me (Barbie’s Princess and the Pauper) Johnny and Esther think of each other again, after being apart for so long and dream of seeing each other again. -How Can I Refuse? (Barbie’s Princess and the Pauper) Lord Claus Edmond boasts of his plan that led him to be a wealthy lord, and his next plan to gain more wealth, of having Esther and his stepson, Aquilo, marry. -Nepal [Score] (Overwatch) The travels of the AB Pirate Alliance. -How Does a Moment Last Forever (Reprise) [BatB 2017] Flynn shows Beth Neva’s old home on Pock Point, and it all feels foreign and familiar at the same time to her. -A Whole New World (Aladdin) After rescuing Esther, Johnny plans to show Esther all the places she’s only read about. -Dorado [Score] (Overwatch) The Alliance travels to De Sol. -Kingdom Dance [Score] (Tangled) At a Festival in De Sol, Beth celebrates the culture of hers she never knew, with Alex to show her the way. Johnny’s romance with Esther has also deepened at this point, and he plans to propose to her. -I See the Light (Tangled) Simultaneously, Johnny proposes to Esther, and Beth and Alex have their own moment. -Turret Pursuit [Score] (BatB 2017) A battle ensues against the pirate alliance, with Beth finally being kidnapped and taken back to Merhib despite everyone’s efforts. -Elsa Imprisoned (Score Demo) [Frozen] Beth realizes her kidnapping and fears for what will be waiting for her when she returns home to face her father. -Trust Me (The Devil’s Carnival) Aquilo tries to charm Beth, but she sees right through him and knows their wedding won’t end well. -Heimr Àrnadalr [Score] (Frozen) Beth and Aquilo prepare for their wedding, with Beth in a deep depression and fearing for herself and her next child. -So Close (Enchanted) Beth sees her loves and trials of life flash before her eyes, and worries she’ll never be free again once married to Aquilo. -I Love You Too Much (The Book of Life) Alex and Beth finally have their wedding, and are safe from all the chaos left behind, for now.

#pirate au #ask bloge pirates

2 notes · View notes

goswagcollectorfire · 4 years

Text

CARL’S BLOG: DARK CLOUDS OVER ALABAMA; carlsblog.online; http://sbpra.com/CarlJBarger; Arkansas-Hillbilly.com

1-13-20: Continuation of Obadiah’s involvement in first battle

When we finally left Corinth, we traveled all night trying to make up lost time. A mighty rainstorm hit us and hit us hard. As we marched through flooded roads, we had to stop and push wagons out of potholes and roads that were washed away by the flooding. The rain came down so hard that some of our regiments got lost from the main army. It became very apparent that we wouldn’t be attacking anyone on the fifth. It took the entire day on April 5 to regroup and get ready for battle on April 6.

I spent a lot of my quiet time praying for God’s blessings upon our troops as we prepared for battle. It was my hope that General Beauregard was right, and that a surprise attack would be to our advantage. If he was right, maybe it would save numerous lives for both sides.

Finally, General Johnston gave the order to attack. Our troops came out of the woods for two miles wide and advanced through the open fields toward the campsites of the Army of Tennessee. General Beauregard was right. We caught the Northern Army by surprise. All morning our troops drove the blue coats northward in a carnival of carnage that left the mutilated bodies of both sides strewn in heaps amid great heroism.

It was now time for us doctors to take the field. As we approached the area where the Northern Army’s guns began to be effective and started to do harm, we experienced something that I hope I never have to experience again. Dead bodies were everywhere. Men were screaming, “Help me!” from all directions. When I came to the first fallen soldier, it didn’t take me long to place the red flag by his side. He was dead. He perhaps would be one of the luckiest ones. At least he was not suffering pain. A few steps further, I found a soldier with one arm completely severed from above the elbow. He was bleeding severely. I applied a tourniquet and placed a green flag by his side. I came next upon a soldier who had his head blown off. This almost made me sick. As I waded through the fallen soldiers, I couldn’t keep from crying. It was horrible. Almost every soldier I put a green flag by wounds to the arms, legs, or head. Those I placed red flags by were severely wounded in the chest or stomach. Some had intestines hanging out their lower abdomen. I knew it wouldn’t do any good to try to save these men. If they survived any time at all, they would later die of infection.

Our wagons soon became full, and the soldiers began to haul the wounded back to the woods where we had started the battle. I remained examining the bodies and doing everything I knew to temporarily stop some of the bleeding. I had nothing to give them for pain. Their suffering had to be awful!

By midday, the fighting centered on the Union center, a small forest called the Hornet’s Nest. When the Confederates overran Hornet’s Nest, we found several casualties from both sides in a sunken road. These men died mostly of bayonet wounds and close encounters with bullets. We could only assume that there had been hand-to-hand combat in this forest.

By mid-afternoon, the Northern Army was driven due north from their original camp. Everything seemed to be going well when we got word that General Albert Johnston had been shot and had bled to death from his wound. This damped the spirits of the entire Army of Mississippi. He had been a courageous warrior, one who was out front on his horse leading his soldiers on to victory.

General Beauregard assumed command and decided to call it a day. He was convinced there would be no problem in declaring victory over the Army of Tennessee the next day.

The night of April 6 is one I shall never forget. We eighteen doctors spent most of the night trying to save lives. I don’t know how many arms and legs I amputated with a saw. I can still smell the stale blood and the awful odor after I cauterized each limb. Some soldiers went into shock. Some died for lack of strength to endure the terrible pain inflicted upon their bodies in removing a limb. I hated to amputate anyone’s limb, but it was necessary in order to save lives.

On April 7, the battle once again started. What General Beauregard didn’t know was that the Northern General, Don Carlos Buell, Commander of the Army of the Ohio, with his twenty-five thousand soldiers had arrived during the night of April 6 and had joined forces with General Ulysses Grant. Early on the morning of April 7, the Northern Army and the Ohio Army started advancing forward against the Army of the Mississippi. For a half day, General Beauregard put up a good fight, but the odds in numbers were hopeless because of the larger Union Army. By 2:00 p.m., Beauregard ordered a withdrawal back to the stronghold of Corinth. Every available wagon was loaded with wounded soldiers who couldn’t walk. The wounded soldiers who could walk were assisted by healthy soldiers. We estimated that there were over eight thousand soldiers who suffered some type of wounds that were not life threatening.

After we left the battlefield and headed back to Corinth, we were notified by General Beauregard to step it up because the Union General William Sherman was in hot pursuit. It was General Grant’s objective to overtake the Army of Mississippi and defeat us before reaching Corinth. General Sherman would have surely been successful had it not been for a Confederate officer, Lt. General Nathan Bedford Forrest, and his cavalry. Nathan Bedford Forrest was given the duty of being the Rear Guard for the Army of Mississippi when we retreated. It was on April 8 that General Forrest engaged in battle with General Sherman head on at the Battle of Fallen Timbers. It was at this battle that Nathan Forrest taught Sherman a lesson about the power of cavalry that Sherman would never forget. Nathan Forrest was successful in sending General Sherman back to Pittsburg Landing and this officially ended the Battle of Shiloh at Pittsburg Landing.

It has now been one week since the Battle of Shiloh. We learned that this battle had produced more casualties than all the previous wars of the United States combined. We know the Union Army had 65,085 federal soldiers who were engaged in the battle. Of these 65,085, there were 1,754 Federal soldiers killed, 8,408 wounded, and 959 missing, for a total of 10,699.

The South had 44,699 engaged in the battle of Shiloh, with 1,728 Confederate soldiers killed, 8,012 wounded, and 900 missing.

It wasn’t long after the Battle of Shiloh that the Union armies under Maj. General Henry W. Halleck, the Army of the Tennessee, and the Army of Ohio advanced on Corinth. General Halleck had taken great pains to prepare to take Corinth. By May 25, 1862, General Halleck was in position to start the battle.

Henry called a staff meeting and briefed us on General Beauregard’s plan. We were to pack three days of rations and be prepared to leave Corinth when the orders were given. Henry informed us that General Beauregard had decided not to stay and defend Corinth. He knew what the outcome of a battle would be. Due to the large numbers of the Union forces, the Confederate Army of Mississippi had no chance of defending Corinth. It would be a massacre, and he didn’t want to sacrifice the lives of his men. On the night of May 29, 1862, we made our move. The Mobile and Ohio Railroad was used to carry the sick and wounded, the heavy artillery, and tons of supplies. General Beauregard had dummy Quaker Guns set up along the defensive earth works. He had his men build campfires that would burn during the night. After everything was completed, we were able to board the Mobile and Ohio train and withdraw to Tupelo, Mississippi.

We later learned that on May 30, the Union troops advanced on Corinth without firing a shot. They were totally surprised that the town had been abandoned. There was a lot of talk that General Beauregard should have stayed and fought for Corinth. I believe he made the right decision. Wisdom teaches us that a life is more important than vain glory!

After arriving in Tupelo, however, we had ample time to relax. I was able to get letters off to Penelope and Mother and received answers. Both Penelope and Mother assured me all was well with Charles and Belle and that my brother, John, was doing a good job managing the affairs of Twin Oaks.

At Tupelo, we continued to work with the wounded from the Battle of Shiloh as well as caring for sick soldiers. There were no military operations going on near Tupelo.

On September 28, Henry came to me and said, “General Beauregard has called me to a staff meeting. I have a pretty good hunch what’s developing.”

“Henry, can you share that with me?”

“I’ve been hearing there are plans to recapture Corinth from Union control. I have a feeling that’s what this meeting is all about. I’ll know more after the meeting. See you later, Obadiah!”

The three hours Henry was away felt like the longest of my life. I was eager to know what was happening. I had always thought the Confederacy would someday try to retake Corinth because of its railroads.

Finally, there was a knock on my door. I quickly sprang to my feet and opened the door. It was Henry. He came in and flung his hat on the bed and said, “Are you ready to go back to Corinth?”

“So, it’s true. The Confederacy is going to try to recapture Corinth?”

“That’s the plan, Obadiah, but it won’t involve the Army of the Mississippi, under General Beauregard.”

“What? This is really getting interesting. Please tell me more.”

“Fifteen of my doctors, including me, are being transferred to Major General Earl Van Dorn’s Trans-Mississippi Army. It is Major General Earl Van Dorn’s assignment to recapture Corinth. He needs doctors and since things are going well here, we are being transferred.”

“I’m assuming I’m one of those fifteen doctors.”

“You don’t think I would leave my buddy behind, do you?”

“I would hope not, my dear friend!”

“We don’t have long to wait. We are to report to General Van Dorn by October 1.”

“That only gives us three days!”

“That right, so get to packing!”

“You appear to be very happy about this, Henry.”

“I guess I am. I enjoyed Corinth. I do hope we can recapture the town. If we can, it will be of major importance to the Confederacy.”

I didn’t get much sleep during the night. I was completely focused on what ifs. What if General Van Dorn is successful? What if he’s not? What will happen if he’s not? What procedures will we follow during the battle? I tried to put all this out of my mind, but the harder I tried the worse it got. I finally got up and wrote Penelope a long letter. I had to be careful what I wrote because if it’s intercepted by the Union forces, it could give away General Van Dorn’s plans.

General Beauregard furnished two wagons with more than ample food rations to get us to General Van Dorn’s camp outside of Corinth. He also assigned a company of soldiers to escort us there. On September 31, we reached General Van Dorn’s camp. As soon as we arrived, Henry asked to see General Van Dorn. He handed the clerk a letter from General Beauregard. The clerk, in turn, handed the letter to another clerk who took it into General Van Dorn’s office. In a few minutes, General Van Dorn’s assistant came out and asked Henry to come in.

Henry was in General Van Dorn’s headquarters for about fifteen minutes. When he came out, he was escorted to our wagon by two soldiers.

“Gentlemen, these soldiers are going to show us where we will be staying.”

Henry got in the wagon as the soldiers climbed on their horses and headed out in front of our wagon. We were assigned three tents in the middle of General Van Dorn’s camp. Before climbing out of the wagon, Henry said, “Gentlemen, in about fifteen minutes I want everyone to meet in my tent. I will fill you in on our responsibilities here in Corinth.”

In fifteen minutes, we all crowded into Henry’s tent to hear what our responsibilities were going to be. Henry said, “Gentlemen, find you somewhere to sit down. We have been transferred here for the purpose of taking care of the wounded when the Battle of Corinth starts. The invasion will be on October 3. Our procedure is a little different from what it was at the Battle of Shiloh. We will be in the rear when the battle starts, just like we were at Shiloh. We will remain there until I think it’s safe to move forward. A lot will depend on how fast General Van Dorn’s army advances. You need to know there is going to be a greater danger of being shot than we faced at Shiloh. As you know, there are lots of buildings in Corinth. I’m sure the Union soldiers will be in every building that offers a strategic advantage to them. We will have to be extremely cautious when we move through the city.

“General Van Dorn has promised me there will be a company of soldiers who will be moving in front of us to intercept any Union soldiers who may have not moved along with the main unit. Keep your eyes open and stay as low as you can. We will be wearing yellow arm bands for identity purposes, but that doesn’t assure us that Yankees won’t take shots at us. I’ll try not to send you forward unless I think it’s safe. We will use the red and green flags as we did at the Battle of Shiloh for identification purposes. There will be medics and other soldiers who will be picking up the wounded. Do you have any questions?”

“What about the hospital? It would be nice if we could take control of the hospital quickly,” a doctor said.

“That’s a good point. I believe the hospital is one of the first places General Van Dorn plans to take, provided he can break through the trenches”

“Do you have other questions?”

“What if we get separated? Where do we meet and what happens if we’re not at that location at the appointed time?” another doctor asked.

“That’s a good question. I want everyone to meet at the hospital, providing we have been successful in taking it. Be there at 3:00 p.m. If we’re not successful in taking the hospital, let’s meet at the starting point where we entered the battlefield. Does anyone have additional questions? If any of the plans change, I’ll let you know. Gentlemen get some good rest. Oh, by the way, supper is at 6:00 p.m. and breakfast will be served in the big tent at 6:00 a.m.”

After the meeting was adjourned, I asked Henry if we could take a walk before supper.

“What’s on your mind, Obadiah?”

“This procedure scares me a little.”

“To be honest with you, it scares me, too.”

“I don’t have a good feeling about this.”

“Obadiah, all we can do is pray. I’ll watch your back and you watch mine. Is that a deal?”

“That’s a deal!”

“Let’s go get some chow, I’m hungry.”

“That sounds good to me.”

I didn’t sleep well during the night. The cots in our tents were nothing like what we were accustomed to. I guess I shouldn’t complain. I doubt if the soldiers have cots. The ground is probably their cot. The battle tomorrow weighs heavy on my mind. I have a bad feeling about this battle.

0 notes

ramblinginsecurities · 7 years

Text

DEPRESSIVE RANT WARNING!!!! POSSIBLE TRIGGERS!!!!

********The following is the rant I sent him. Note, this rant contains Self fat shaming, depressive thoughts, and references to wanting to commit suicide*******??

If I had to give my mind an image, then it’s Carnival glass. The type that are in fun houses. Built like a maze. You look in and the image is all distorted. But the edges are sharp and if I touch or fall onto them then I bleed out. I bleed out until I’m too tired to move.

I bump into them all the time. I bleed out all the time. I impale myself on them. I wish for it to end all the time. To die all the time.

The only peace I get is those rare sleeping spells were my mind is blank and black. I know I’m sleeping but I can’t think. My demons can't taunt me then.

One of the mirrors holds my image. I’m fat and I’m ugly and I want to cry when I see it. I don’t think that’s illusion, but the reality. The illusion is the me in my mind outside the mirror. So pretty and skinny and cute. And confident. The me in the mirror is scared. And mumbles “I’m fat.” Under her breath constantly. And if I stare long enough then I start to repeat her, but louder. Sometimes they hear me, but they ignore it.

They agree with the me in the mirror. They just are too polite to say it.

I know how to change this. I just need to work out. Walk more, bike more, lift more. Eat better, eat less.

And I try. But then it does nothing. The scale reads heavier. My stomach grows bigger. I'm awash with self doubt and continously ask myself “is this worth it? Is it working?”

“Well you’d be healthier if you lost weight.” I know. I’m trying.

Somedays I contemplate not eating. Some days I have to force myself to eat something, anything. Somedays I have to remind myself that if the healthy food isn’t there that I still need to eat becuse not eating is “worse”.

Somedays I don’t have the will or energy to cook. Somedays I ask others to. On the worst days I’ll beg others to.

Most days I’m told no, there’s food at home, I can do it myself.

Somedays I just want to die.

I don’t focus on that mirror unless I look at a real one. Or get dressed. Hence why I try to avoid them, and change only once a day if I can help it. Sometimes not at all.

Other mirrors pop up randomly in the maze.

Multiple mirrors reflect my self doubt.

Like my insecurites about how others think of me. They hate me. I’m annoying.

One of them is for what I do. I’m never good enough. I always do things wrong. It replays my problems, things that I’ve tried so hard to fix, that I’ve made plans on how to “fix” but still failed, on a repeated loop.

I can’t even put Kiddo’s shoes on correctly.

I can’t even do basic math.

I can’t even remember to do basic things. Like switch the laundry. Or do something at a specific time. I’m forever forgetful and an incoveience. Maybe it’d just be better if I was gone, and not an inconvience or an obstacle anymore.

I’ve become so accustomed to self medicating this. Simple repetive tasks. Feeling like I’m acomplishing something. I’m not a fuck up. I can do this.

It’s why I don’t leave work. In the kennels I’m doing something. In the kennels I help the dogs/cats and I get rewarded with love and affection. I don’t fuck up to them.

Some days I get the urge to “fix” things. To clean the rooms that make me want to go sleep. I get a little bit in and stop. I can’t deal with it. I just want to stop. Start over. Run away to somewhere clean. Somewhere with nothing in it. Not even me. Especially not me.

Another mirror is my sexuality. That’s gotten better by stopping the meds. But I’m never sexy enough, I never want sex enough, I never want it at the right times, I always do things that prevent it from being possible for long periods of time. I'm too vanilla, I’m too merciless, I don’t have enough dexterity to try new positions. I never feel enough, I’m always worried I’m faking it. Am I? I don’t know.

“It’s fine.” No, it’s not. I see it on your face and in your eyes everytime I say anything or say no.

“I’m used to it.” The unhappiness radiates from you with each word. I want to scream. A gutteral, anguished scream.

That’s why I suggested the open relationship. I want to see you happy. I need to see you happy. I need to know I’m not taking you with me.

The mirror that lurks by this one reflects how much I don’t make you happy. Every moment of anger, every tear. I prick my finger on it and I start gushing out all of my blood. It’s why I get edgy. I’m trying to stop the hemorrhaging.

I see how you are with everyone else. Happy. Happy to see them. Happy to be with them. No anger. You focus back on me and I’ve fucked up again. You’re disapointed, you’re angry. I get so scared it’ll be the end. The last straw. But I can’t fix it. Sometimes I think we’re doing great and it’s back.

Every time you look at me endearingly I can’t believe it. You’re faking it, you’re lying. To me, to yourself. Jump ship. Leave. It’s drowning anyways. Don’t drown too. You only drown when I’m with you.

And then like clockwork the problems are back. I’m always waiting with baited breath, the list of how I've failed you again. And that list is different each day.

The other mirror is kiddo. Somedays… somedays all the pain goes away with this mirror. Somedays I hold this mirror tight, never wanting to let go. Somedays, I’m good enough. Somedays, I don’t fuck up.

Most days, it’s a bandage. Most days a smile keeps me from giving up completely.

Bad days, I’m a total fuck up. A horrible mom.

I don’t deserve him. I don’t desrve to live.

Bad days I can’t hold his hand. Bad days he needs to be away from me. It hurts. I want to walk away. If I make him go to you and walk away slowly you’d never notice. I could disapear into the crowd.

Bad days you push him back repeatedly and I want to scream. I’m agitated.

Don’t leave him with me. I'm tainted. I'm poison.

He’s going to end up fucked up like me.

I distance myself. I try to self medicate by distration. If I can’t think, I won’t feel. I wait for the storm to pass. Some days takes longer than others. Sometimes I need to sleep it off. Others I wait days until it’s gone.

Sleep instead of answer the call to sever the blue jutting out from my skin. Would it hurt? Or would I stop hurting?

I stare at my hands and wrists a lot.

Sometimes I distance myself because it’ll be harder to miss something that you felt was never there to begin with. Maybe it'll be better then.

Somedays I have the energy to try and fix things. It’s limited energy and I know it. I try to fix everything and I stretch too thin. I burn out. Instead of being fixed it’s worse than when I started. So I try to focus on one problem at a time. And then the rest get worse. And very little progress is made. So I alternate and it still doesn’t help.

I ask for help and I’m told sure but nothing gets better. It never gets better. It always gets worse.

Why can’t I just do everything at the same time like a normal person?

I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

Maybe I need help? I laugh. Right help. Help when I can’t open up. When I’m afraid of the verdict if I do.

I can’t lose him. I can’t lose him. I can’t.

Then I’ll just give in.

How can I ask for help when no one knows I need it? When I can smile even when I’m dead and numb. When I can fool even myself in to thinking that I’m alright. I’m doing better.

Kill me. Laugh it off. It’s a joke. It’s a joke.

It’s not.

I’m too afraid to do it myself. I’ll end up regreting if it takes too long. I’ll change my mind. I cant do it quick because what if I would (change my mind)?

If someone does it for me then it’s for the best. It’s not my choice. It was just deemed better that way.

Just take him to the park. Just throw the ball around with him.

How do you expect me to have the motivation or energy to do those things when I don’t have the motivation or energy to breathe? To existe?

I just want to lay down and die. I just want to forget to breathe.

Autopilot on numb.

Please just kill me.

#suicidal thoughts #suicide #kill me #rant #deprssion #weight problems #fat shaming

0 notes