Operation DNKYUAC (Do Not Kiss Yor Under Any Circumstances)
a/n: i wrote this in one sitting, it is 1 AM, i did not reread this even once, i am posting anyways with no thought of any consequences, and i am ready to fight a bear
anyways this is kind of a follow up to 'absence makes the heart grow fonder', but like it can also be read as a standalone, just a few things are mentioned throughout. also the tone of this fic is decidedly different so they really arent connected by more than a few threads LMAO
read on ao3
Rating: T
He wants to kiss Yor.
It’s a realization that is as sudden as it is horrifying. And, like all important moments in his life, it happens by chance and hits him out of nowhere.
This time, she’s blowing bubbles with Anya as they sit under the shade of a tree at the park. Bond is snapping at the bubbles and Anya is trying to cup one in her hands to no avail. He watches—no, he wasn’t watching, he just happened to be looking in the same direction—as Yor puckers her lips to blow another bubble. A breeze sends the soap backwards instead, though, popping straight onto her mouth. She sputters and wipes her mouth and smacks her lips, grimacing in a way that scrunches her whole face up.
Suddenly he’s very curious about the flavor of soap. Which is a big problem.
Loid is so glad nobody can look into his head, because he would actually die from secondhand embarrassment. Was it secondhand if he was embarrassing himself in his own head? It didn’t matter. He quickly looks away and pulls his hat over his face, surreptitiously hunching his shoulders around his ears. Not a moment later, though, the hat is pulled off his face, and before he can protest he’s squinting up into the devious smirk of a certain first grader.
“You wanna do smoochin’,” Anya says. The sudden influx of sunlight in his face from Anya lifting his hat off his face actually has the side effect of piercing his throat, which is the only reason why he’s suddenly choking on his own spit. He would know—he’s a doctor. “Kissy kissies with Mama.”
“I don’t—what are you saying, ” he hisses, shooting up and snatching his hat back. Sitting up that fast actually assailed his sinuses, which is the only reason why he’s holding his hat up to his face right now and trying to use it as a poor approximation of a ventilator as he wheezes. He glances over to Yor, who is too blessedly distracted with Bond to have heard Anya’s totally unfounded accusations. He ought to get a treat for that dog. When he turns back, Anya looks totally unimpressed and—disappointed? The nerve of this girl!
“You shouldn’t say things like that out of nowhere,” he says after he’s caught his breath. “It could make Yor uncomfortable. Not to mention that it’s false. ”
It’s one thing to admit that he’s maybe more fond of this family than he ought to be, to admit that he’s perhaps a little preoccupied with Yor and thinks about her more than is needed in a way that isn’t purely methodical in nature like it ought to be. It’s another beast entirely to recognize that he wants ‘kissy kissies’ with Yor. He’d rather let that beast eat him alive, if he’s being perfectly honest for once.
If it’s possible at all, Anya’s expression further flattens. She angles her head as if listening to something before suddenly dashing off without another word. He watches her for a second before shrugging. Far be it from him to understand what goes on in her head. He’s just about to recline back again when Bond, in all his fluffy white maelstrom glory, barrels into his chest and knocks him flat onto his back.
“W-whoa! Down, boy!” Bond only barks and licks his face. His tongue gets nearly half of Loid’s face in one go. “Stop that! What’s gotten into you?” Maybe that treat would have to be put on hold.
“Bond, no!” Suddenly the dog’s whole mass is lifted off of him in one go. Yor stands above him like some sort of guardian angel with a giant dog in one hand and bubbles in the other, something which should not be as awe-inducing as it is. She puts Bond down off to the side and crouches down next to him fretfully.
Okay, now he can die of embarrassment. Nothing like your (fake) wife witnessing you lying in the grass with dog slobber on your face to put you six feet under.
“I’m so sorry! I blew a bubble right as the wind picked up and it went your way and Bond went after it and he didn’t stop,” she explains in one breath. “Oh, he really got you. I’ll get a napkin, hold on.” He shuts his eyes when she pulls away, wondering about the logistics of sinking into the ground.
He sits up when he senses her approaching and takes the proffered napkin. “Thank you, Yor.” He wipes down his face, getting his hair for good measure. It ruins the pomade and plasters some hair to his forehead, but he figures he can’t sink much lower than he already has and decides to run a hand through his hair, mussing it out of its meticulous styling. After a moment he notices that Yor has been watching him the whole time with an unusually indecipherable expression on her face. “Is something wrong?”
“Hm?” Her eyes slide down to his mouth when he speaks. He feels a twinge in his belly, but has to remind himself that she’s looking at the copious amounts of slobber on his face and not at, well, him. He scrubs his mouth with vigor, snapping Yor out of her trance. “Oh! Uh—um, there was a little… oh, you got it! Good!” She laughs shrilly before jumping up and running after Anya, who has started to giggle like a cherub from hell.
He sighs and lets the napkin drop by his side. This was ridiculous. How many out of the blue, humiliating realizations did he have to contend with? He couldn’t go on like this, much less put the proper focus required into running Operation Strix. This was completely inefficient and a hindrance to the mission, which was why—
“—I’m requesting another business trip!” He finishes, slightly out of breath. He looks back from his comprehensive 52 slide presentation to Handler, whose expression and body language are both giving off ‘wholly unimpressed’. He still has hope. “Well?”
She takes a long, loud sip of coffee, during which he patiently waits without batting an eye. She finally sighs and sets her cup down. “What are you running from this time, Twilight?”
“Running? What do you mean?”
“I can see the sweat on your face,” Handler snaps. He swipes one sleeve across his forehead. “Goodness, you used to be a much better liar. Couldn’t fool me, but still.”
“Exactly my point,” he stresses. “You see what’s happening to me? I just need a couple weeks to fix myself up and everything will be back on track again.”
“That’s what you said last time. If I remember correctly, you came back from your two week trip more besotted with your family than ever.”
“ Beso— you know what, fine. But that time was different. Now that I know what to expect, it’ll definitely work.”
“I wonder what spurred this,” she muses in response to his pleas. “It must be Yor, am I right?” She watches with thinly veiled amusement as Loid’s ears begin glowing. “Ooh. Don’t tell me your head has come out of your ass since the last time we spoke.”
He throws his hands up. “I’m literally offering to have more work piled onto me. Why are you against this?”
“Have you considered that maybe running away isn’t the way to go?” She asks. “How is feeling things for your family a hindrance to the mission? Spending many weeks away from them seems like more of a hindrance to me.”
“How? How? ” He repeats, flabbergasted. “We can’t afford to feel things for people. We have to leave them all behind eventually. You’re the one that taught me that!”
“Yes, I am. And it’s one of the things I regret most.” She turns to a framed photo on her desk. He’s never looked and doesn’t think it’s his place to ask, not with the wistful smile playing on her lips. “I used to think that feeling things was what sowed pain, and thus weakness. But isn't that why we do this job at all? To make sure others can feel the happiness and safety we weren’t granted?”
“That’s… different,” he protests weakly. Yes, he was fighting to make the world a better place, to let children be children. No, kissing Yor was not going to accomplish that. But there’s no way in hell he can tell Handler that.
The softness melts from her face, leaving the true Fullmetal Lady that all WISE agents fear. “Oh, get over yourself. Go snog your wife or something.”
He knocks over all 52 slides, which he thinks should be further evidence to support his business trip plea, but Handler is unmoved.
…
Since Handler refuses to help him, he has to take things into his own hands. Fine. He’s manned a whole fleet of submarines by himself before—harder than it sounds, if you can believe it—so keeping himself in check around his fake wife should really be nothing. Thus, he enables Operation DNKYUAC (Do Not Kiss Yor Under Any Circumstances, pronounced ‘donkey wack’). The rules are simple: don’t kiss her. Ever. And don’t be tempted to kiss her either. Don’t want to kiss her, under any circumstances.
Unless she brings home sunflowers. Apparently that’s some type of limit.
“I saw these at the florist and I couldn’t help myself,” she beams. The flowers are exceptionally well-maintained, but Loid can’t help but think they aren’t really as bright as sunflowers usually are.
Yor’s smile widens and the flowers dull further. Oh.
“We should have a vase somewhere,” he says in order to turn away from her and busy himself in the cabinets. Anya skips up to the doorway and jumps upon seeing the flowers.
“Ooh! What’re those?”
Yor hefts Anya up effortlessly into one arm, angling the sunflowers toward her. “Sunflowers! They’re the happiest flowers.”
“Really?” Anya asks dubiously. At Yor’s nod, she grins and plucks one out of the bouquet. Loid returns at that moment with a vase, which is when Anya takes the opportunity to stick the flower behind his ear.
“What the—?”
“Happiness flower,” Anya says matter-of-factly. “Now you’re happy.”
Loid blinks a couple times before huffing out a laugh. “What are you saying? I was happy before.”
“Happier,” Anya concedes. She turns back to Yor, who is staring at Loid with a wide-eyed look. Anya does the same thing and sticks a flower behind her headband while she’s distracted. “There!” She wriggles until Yor puts her down and pats both of her parents’ legs. “Now you’re happy together. ”
She skips off, singing ‘mission accomplished’ as she goes.
Loid gapes after her, trying not to let his embarrassment show. He’d told her to stop saying those weird things! He quickly slides the flower out of his hair and places it in the vase. “Sorry, I don’t know what’s gotten into her.”
“Huh? Oh. It’s alright.” Yor follows suit and puts the rest of the flowers in the vase before plucking out the one in her hair. She twiddles it for a few moments before blurting, “It looked nice in your hair.” Then she drops it into the vase and hurries into the living room.
He vaguely remembers telling her that couples complimented each other, and she’d promised to try doing that more in public. She must have been practicing just then. There was no way it was anything else—he’d gotten a tennis-ball sized lump on his chin one time for daring to think otherwise.
He looks down at the vase in his hands. Happiness flower? Well, there certainly was something swelling up in his chest right now. He didn’t appreciate its presence one bit.
…
Okay, so he’d failed to think about the fact that Operation DNKYUAC wasn’t the best in theory, in that he should be able to kiss Yor under some circumstances. Like for their cover. Something that was undoubtedly important and a terribly gross oversight to have.
(If only he’d been given permission for that business trip.)
For heaven’s sake, he was a spy! He’d done far more than kissing before. Kissing is basically child’s play. Knowing all this, however, does not stop his legs from feeling like jelly when his hospital co workers reveal the mistletoe hanging above his and Yor’s heads at the decently large Christmas party they have just arrived at. Yor is wearing the hair pin he’d gotten her in Municht paired with a red wrap dress, which he’s been contending with by pinpointing all of his focus onto her left eyebrow whenever he has to speak to her. That won’t be able to fly now, though. He can feel the nerves taking shape into something vicious under his red dress shirt, suspiciously ulcer-shaped. How had he not thought to prepare for this? He was losing it.
(Again, if only Handler had approved his trip!)
However, his nerves all but evaporate when he turns and sees Yor’s pale face and pursed lips. She’s stiff, hand locked in the crook of his elbow, as she looks out at the sea of unfamiliar faces staring back at them, expectant. She’s uncomfortable.
“Mistletoe?” He says, looking up at the sprig. He lets out a good-natured laugh. “Oh my. Looks like that’s actually holly. The rules don’t apply now, do they?”
“Oh, come on!” The director speaks up. He’s clearly had one drink too many, made evident by his swaying and pointing. “Just kiss your beautiful wife. Or one of us will do it instead!” A chorus of chortles pop up, igniting a rage in Loid’s chest that he isn’t sure he’s keeping off his face. He feels Yor shift beside him and is about to ask her if she wants to leave when he sees something whiz past.
Was that a button?
The button (?) sinks right into the soft part of the director’s throat, causing him to wheeze and hack. His glass slips from his hand and shatters on the floor, splattering wine amidst the gasps and screams of the crowd.
“He’s having an emergency! Get a doctor!”
“That’s any person here, genius! Just hurry!”
Loid watches on, befuddled but not entirely unhappy with the turn of events. Technically, he can alleviate the director’s current breathing issues in no more than four seconds if he really tries, but he doesn’t find himself in any hurry to do so. To his relief, Yor also looks pleased with the fact that the attention is off of them.
“Shall we?” He gestures over to the abandoned refreshments. “I hear they have splendid hors d'oeuvres at these things.”
She bows her head, smiling serenely along with his play. The hairpiece twinkles in the lights overhead and he has to dig his nails into his palm to stop his hand from moving on its own. “I would love to.”
And thus, Operation DNKYUAC lives another day. Barely.
(Later, he notices a missing button from his cuff. How odd.)
…
“I’m going to stay up tonight!” Anya announces at 6 PM. “I’m going to watch the whole world change and you can’t stop me!”
“Sure,” Loid nods.
“Of course,” Yor chirps.
Anya narrows her eyes suspiciously, but their minds reveal no scheming plans.
“For real?”
“If you think you can handle it,” Loid replies. He recognizes the flare of competition in Anya’s eyes as she clenches her fists.
“I can! I will! For world peace!” (Whatever that meant.)
“I’m staying up,” Anya asserts again at 7 PM. Yor sets a cup of cocoa in front of her while Loid flips his newspaper.
“Of course you are.”
“‘M stayin’ up,” Anya maintains, yawning slightly at 8 PM. Bond curls up in the corner and she eyes his fluffy white coat. “Stay up, Bond.”
“Dogs have different perceptions of time. They don’t care about human New Years,” Loid explains as Anya nervously watches Bond yawn and stretch. “So Bond is going to sleep in his fluffy, warm bed now.”
“You can’t fool me,” Anya grumbles, rubbing her eyes. “I’m watching the New-Ears on TV!”
“New Year’s. And I wasn’t trying to fool you,” Loid shrugs.
Yor comes and sits next to a struggling Anya on the floor at 9 PM, resting her head on a knee.
“It’s too bad no programs are on at this time,” she sighs. “That means there’s nothing to watch for three whole hours until the New Year's program.”
Anya is out cold ten minutes later.
Loid lets out a low whistle as he waves a hand in front of Anya’s face. She’s truly out. “How did you do that?”
“I did this at least five times with Yuri,” she giggles. “It’s all about emphasizing the time that’s left.”
They put Anya to bed and clean up, eventually settling on the couch.
“Do you and Yuri usually stay up to welcome the new year?” Loid asks.
“Hmm. For the years in between him falling asleep before midnight and him getting a job, we did do that,” she says, a small smile on her face. “We made resolutions. It was mostly for the sake of having some type of tradition, I guess. What about you?”
At least three of the last ten New Years in his life had been spent dismantling bombs, but he wasn’t about to say that. “I haven’t done this in a while. Most days I’m up past midnight anyways, so it’s not all that different.” The only difference this year was that he didn’t have any late night missions. As if to rub salt in his wound, Handler had told him to take it easy tonight, ‘at home, with the daughter and especially with the wife’. She was a sadist.
“We could make resolutions,” Yor replies offhandedly. At Loid’s silence she goes ramrod straight. “Wait—I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to assume you wanted that kind of tradition, or that you didn’t—”
“Don’t worry about it,” he interrupts, laughing. “I was just surprised. We should definitely do that. What kind of resolutions did you make with Yuri?”
“Mostly small things. Like, um… I resolve to make a new friend.”
Loid smiles before he can help it. How very like Yor. “That’s a good one. Hm, let’s see… I resolve to take at least one more break per day.”
Yor nods resolutely. “That’s good for your health. Let’s see…”
They go back and forth like that with resolutions, getting caught up in conversation and unaware of how much time has passed until the clock chimes half past eleven.
“Oh my goodness,” Yor says, startled as she blinks up at the clock. “I had no idea this much time had passed!”
“Time flies,” Loid agrees. “Maybe we should have written our resolutions down. We said too many.” He expects Yor to laugh, but instead a pensive look crosses her face. “Yor?”
“Actually… I have one that’s been weighing on my mind a bit,” she admits, shifting to face him on the couch. She fiddles with the hem of her sweater. “Uh, do you remember that Christmas party last week?”
He’s immediately on alert. “Is that still bothering you? I had a strict word with the director the next day about what he said. If you want, you can come to the hospital yourself and—”
“N-no!” Yor interrupts, rushed. “I mean, that’s—well, thank you. That was a little uncomfortable, but more than that…” She hangs her head. “I wish I wasn’t so… bad at the physical affection thing.”
He blinks. “What?”
“I mean…” Her face is heating up. “The mistletoe is common at a Christmas party. And couples are expected to kiss. If I wasn’t so bad at k-kissing, I wouldn’t have had to throw that button and cause such a mess.”
“Yor, it isn’t—wait, that button was you?”
“My point is, I resolve to…” She squeezes her hands together, face impossibly red. “To get better at the whole physical affection thing. In public, for our cover,” she adds on. “I don’t want to be a burden on our arrangement just because I get so flustered.”
“Yor…” His heart isn’t his anymore, instead threatening to burst out of his chest. Remember Operation DNKYUAC, he scolds himself, although he can’t really take it seriously when it sounds like he’s just repeating ‘donkey wack’ over and over again. She’s only doing this for their cover; out of a need to fit in with societal standards of what a couple should do. No other reason. That thought is the one that sobers him. “You are never a burden just because you have limits. You don’t have to force yourself to do something you don’t want to. We can always do other things to show people we are a loving couple.”
“But—” Her eyes dart between his. He feels both out of his depth and like he is in incredible danger, so he tries the left eyebrow thing again. It backfires when she leans in and looks at him imploringly. “What if I do want to?”
The air leaves him. “Want to what?” He croaks.
The countdown starts on the TV, startling them both. As the seconds tick down, Yor seems to mull something over before abruptly leaning in and pecking his lips. Tinny cheers sound from the TV speakers along with choruses of ‘Happy New Years’ and the blast of fireworks outside.
The kiss, like the peck on his cheek from when she’d seen him off on the train, is short and over before he can blink. But there’s no being normal about this. His brain is fried.
From a peck. He should be more devastated about the fact that there exists a person that can undo him with a peck, but the only thing he feels right now is the sense that he’s a balloon cut free. Something is floating in his mind, pinging at the corners, and he’s silent as he struggles to hold it down and give it a name.
Yor stares at him for a few seconds before her hands slowly come up to cover her mouth. “Oh my gosh. Oh my—oh no. Oh nonono.” She leans back on her haunches. “I—I thought the courage would last into the new year too,” she whispers to herself. Loid vaguely registers it over the din of his own brain buzzing. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Just ignore that—”
“Yor,” he says. He leans forward, the couch dipping, and brings both of his hands to the sides of her face, threading his fingers through her hair. Her pupils blow wide. “Open your mouth a little bit.”
“Huh?” Her lips part and his gaze is drawn to her mouth. “What are you doing?”
“Helping you with your resolution,” he says, “to get better at the physical affection thing.” Then he tilts his head and closes the gap.
So, Operation DNKYUAC fails miserably. And fails again. And again. He ends up breaking the rules of that operation at least fifteen consecutive times, but whatever. It was a failing operation from the start, with a stupid sounding name to boot.
But still—maybe he should start another Operation. Operation DNKYMTINBTYWHLOHTYCH (Do Not Kiss Yor More Than Is Necessary Because Then You Will Have Lots Of Hickeys That You Can’t Hide).
Another failing Operation. But a guy could try.
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Rachel's SxF Ao3 Masterlist
Just to keep things kinda organized. Honestly, the easiest place to find all of this is on My Ao3 in the first place, but I'll link it here for convenience! ❤️
If you are curious as to how I feel about certain things pertaining to my work, please see THIS post! My inbox is also open for any questions (and you can do so Anonymously if you wish!)
One-Shots
The Art of Lipstick Complete (TwiYor)
Amnesia Full Fic In Progress (Forger Family)
Ledgers and Reports Complete (Sylvia Sherwood & Forger Family)
White Roses Complete (Matthew McMahon & Yor Forger)
Strawberry Ice Cream Complete (Franky Franklin & Anya Forger)
What D'You Say We Make It True Complete (Anya Forger/Ken)
In The Downpour Complete (Twilight/Thorn Princess)
Oblivious Complete (Twilight & Yor Forger)
Coming Home Complete (TwiYor)
Deer in the Headlights Complete (TwiYor)
Fading Ink Complete (Loid & Yor Forger)
Glad You're Here Complete (Damian Desmond & Anya Forger)
Just This Once... Complete (Twilight & Yor Forger)
Heroes Always Get Married in the COOLEST Ways! Complete (Loidman/Yorticia, Anya & Becky)
Just a Kiss Complete (TwiYor)
The Way to a Man's Heart (Not through his ribs) Complete (TwiYor)
All For Naught Complete (Yor Forger & Yuri Briar)
Side by Side and Locked in Tight Complete (Anya Forger/Ken)
Don't Forget to Lock the Door Complete (Loid/Yor/Franky)
Little Black Number Complete (Yor Forger & Melinda Desmond)
Freestanding Multichaps
In the Rain Complete (Forger Family)
Flowers and Thorns Complete (TwiYor)
A Moment of Weakness Complete (Loid Forger & Melinda Desmond)
Floodgates In Progress with the lovely @creativwit CW: Graphic Violence (Franky/OC, TwiYor)
Bruises Series
Yor's Bruise Complete (Yor Focus)
Loid's Bruise Complete (Twilight Focus)
Dreams of Staying Series (Reveal)
Out of Routine Complete (TwiYor + Forger Family)
His Cuts, Her Cuts Complete (TwiYor)
Get My Heart Soft Into Sinking Complete (Yor Forger & Matthew McMahon)
Fighting the Heart Series
Snake with Blue Eyes Complete (TwiYor)
We Never Knew Complete (Anya & Yor + TwiYor)
Sleeping With The Telephone In Progress! (Forger Family + TwiYor)
Love Found, Love Lost Series
Just Another Day (in Learning How to Love You) Complete (Twilight & Yor Forger)
Oh Your Smile (Brightens My Life) Complete TW: Contains Major Character Death (Anya Forger & Ken)
Gone Rogue Complete (Sylvia Sherwood & Fiona Frost)
Briar Rose On Hiatus (Thorn Princess & Twilight, Yor Forger & Matthew McMahon)
Weapons Series (Reveal/Post Reveal-Pre Relationship)
Hypothetically... Complete (TwiYor)
Calibration and Titration Complete (TwiYor)
Weapons (On You, On Me) Complete (TwiYor)
Your Spare Blade Complete (TwiYor)
Rendezvous Complete (Sylvia Sherwood & Matthew McMahon)
Starlight Sky Series (Myth Au)
The Soldier and His Sun Complete TW: Contains Major Character Death (Roland & Loid Forger)
Beyond Sun and Moon Complete (Misc friendships + TwiYor)
Doubt Creeps In Complete (TwiYor)
Soothing Rays Complete (TwiYor)
New Moon Blues 1/2 chapters posted (TwiYor + Anya)
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