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qqueenofhades · 3 years

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Fake dating AU for the idiot Heartrender Husbands! I beg of you!

As ever, I am preposterously easy to enable, and since they will eventually make an appearance in A Phantom in Enchanting Light, I decided to write their backstory for that verse. Also, “fake dating but it’s only fake because they’re both idiots” is an Aesthetic. I love them.

Moscow, 2010

The guy is most definitely late. Fedyor got here early – probably too early, since they’re supposed to meet at eleven and he arrived by quarter past ten – but it’s now 11:08 and still no sign of him. Fedyor has claimed a corner table in the coffee shop just off Red Square with its splendid old tsarist-era décor, surrounded by the murmur of conversation and clicking laptop keys as his fellow Muscovites get on with their daily lives. The rule is fifteen minutes, yes? If Ivan Sakharov doesn’t show up in another seven, Fedyor is free to bail. But it’s been so long, and Nadia, the mutual friend responsible for this set-up, has begged Fedyor to give him a chance. And since it is understandably difficult to date as a gay man in Russia, Fedyor’s patience must be tested longer than usual. He sips his flat white and glances at the door again. Still no Ivan.

Fedyor opens his phone and checks the photo that Nadia sent him, trying to decide if this man is attractive enough to compensate for his tardiness. It’s hard to tell. It is 11:14, and he is absolutely about to pack up and leave by no later than 11:25, when a tall, grim-faced man in a red windbreaker strides in. He stops short, glances around, spots Fedyor, and powers over with such single-minded determination that Fedyor fears he’s about to be arrested. “Hello,” he says curtly. “I am Ivan Ivanovich Sakharov. I believe you are waiting for me?”

“Ah – ? I am Fedyor Mikhailovich Kaminsky, yes,” he manages, offering a hand, which Ivan crushes in a Terminator grip. “It’s – nice to meet you?”

Ivan snorts, pulls out the other chair, and drapes his jacket over it, then orders a small plain coffee (black like his soul, evidently). Then he returns, sits down, and claps his hands as if he is calling a misbehaving class to attention. “Where are you from?” he barks. “How long have you lived in Moscow?!”

Fedyor continues to gape. He’s genuinely not sure if this is Ivan attempting to get to know him on speed-run, or if he’s being interrogated by a FSB agent who can’t even act for two seconds like he’s not. It’s ominously possible. Dmitry Medvedev is the president and there are hopes that there might be a social liberalization, but the Orthodox patriarchs and the far right have been increasingly agitating against Russia’s embattled LGBTQ community, and things could just as easily get worse. Is this a setup or a setup? Nadia would never knowingly put him in a dangerous situation, of course, but maybe she was likewise fooled. You’d think that if this was a sting, they could have found a guy who was actually capable of pretending to be on a date, but maybe that’s the point? What the hell is going on here?

Fedyor opens his mouth, then shuts it. As a matter of fact, he is originally from Nizhny Novgorod, but moved to Moscow for university and has lived here for seven years, but if Ivan is with the FSB, he probably already knows that. Is this a trick? Is Ivan trying to match him to some police intelligence file or see if he’s a liar? Fedyor is seriously about to get up and walk out (or maybe sprint out) when Ivan, perhaps realizing that he’s blowing this to a heretofore unprecedented degree, says, “Sorry. I am from Krasnoyarsk. I enjoy rugby.”

Of course he likes rugby if he’s from Krasnoyarsk. This is a disaster. “Uh, what side?”

“Krasny Yar,” says Ivan, in the tone of a man about to stand up and belt out the fight song. “I also enjoy football. Yenisey Krasnoyarsk. Though I have begun supporting Lokomotiv since I came to Moscow. That was five years ago.”

So, he’s definitely a hooligan. Fedyor does his best to keep smiling. In the flesh, Ivan is definitely not unattractive. His hair is crisp and brown, there are glints of hazel in his eyes, and he has that hard, chiseled handsomeness that Fedyor always ends up getting suckered into. Except for the fact that he is lively, extroverted, and outgoing, likes clubbing and mingling and making friends, and this man does not appear to have ever heard of a single one of those things. What was Nadia thinking? It’s not like her to whiff this badly. Or did she have to be so circumspect in asking Ivan if he would like to meet Fedyor that, even if he’s not an undercover cop, he is in fact clueless about the true nature of this social engagement? Thinks it’s guys being pals?

“Did you have somewhere you were coming from earlier?” Fedyor asks, after another excruciating silence. “Is that why you were – ?”

“My apologies. The bus was late. I am normally very punctual.” Ivan scowls ferociously, as if the bus ever dares to do such a thing again, he will personally murder it. “What hobbies do you enjoy, Fedyor Mikhailovich?”

“I think you can call me Fedyor, yes?” They are clearly nowhere near “Fedya” and “Vanya” just yet, but “Fedyor Mikhailovich” always makes Fedyor look around warily for his grumpiest professor at MSU. He tries to think of subtle conversational gambits to find out what Ivan knows, without being obvious. Oh God, he really should just cut his losses, but something – perhaps the pathetic conviction that even a terrible date is better than no date at all – keeps him in his seat. Presuming that he does get out of here alive, he will call up Nadia straightaway and ask her many, many questions, mostly consisting of Why??! “Well,” Fedyor says at last. “I like having fun?”

“I also enjoy fun,” Ivan says, stone-faced. “I am very funny.”

Russian humor is normally extremely deadpan, to the point that Fedyor does wonder if Ivan is in fact a diabolical troll genius, but somehow he doesn’t think so. The rest of the conversation proceeds in this fashion, but by the end of an hour, Fedyor still has no idea if he has just been on a date or a trip to the gulag. Ivan gets up, administers another bone-crushing handshake, thanks him for his time, and marches out. Fedyor can practically hear the Red Army Choir thundering some patriotic anthem in his wake.

When he gets home that afternoon, Fedyor is resolved to write off the whole thing, except it was weirdly kind of not as bad as he first thought, maybe, somehow. If nothing else, he’s fascinated by this, like watching a slow-motion train crash. He takes out his phone with the intention of calling Nadia, only to see a text message from an unfamiliar number. When he opens it, it reads, Hello. Your company was agreeable today. Thank you. Perhaps we could meet again next week. Please reply yes or no. The message uses the formal styles of address, and some of the spellings are slightly old-fashioned. He has also signed it – Иван Сахаров – in case there might be some confusion with another Ivan the Terrible at Dating of Fedyor’s recent acquaintance. It is a bit like getting a text from the undertaker.

Fedyor stares at it, insanely tempted to burst out laughing, and finally, just because now he’s too curious to refuse, texts back his gracious acceptance. Still chuckling, he makes dinner, and then, as his phone pings with Ivan’s response, wonders in horror what on earth he is getting himself into.

This is how things continue for the next six weeks. Ivan and Fedyor meet up for the second time, stroll sedately around one of Moscow’s many city parks together, then part ways, and this time it’s Fedyor’s turn to ask if he would like to do it again. He isn’t sure exactly why, except that Ivan is unexpectedly easy to spend time with, and he nods in stoic approval of whatever Fedyor says. Of course, they follow the usual rules of dating which are especially important in Russia: don’t talk about politics, don’t talk about religion, don’t talk about America, don’t talk about Ukraine, don’t talk about Chechnya. From what Fedyor can glean, Ivan’s views tend to the doctrinaire, but he is surprisingly undogmatic, and willing to at least act as if he has an open mind. If he was an FSB agent, it feels like he would have busted Fedyor by now, but maybe he is waiting for him to do something unmistakably gay. That’s not it. Right?

Nadia calls, wanting to know how it’s going, and Fedyor grills her for forty minutes over whether Ivan is a law enforcement plant, a lonely guy looking for a friend, the world’s most method practical joker, or just extremely stupid. Nadia insists that he is actually very nice once you get to know him (HA, thinks Fedyor) and has no particular affection for either the ruling classes or the oligarchs. He can certainly be an acquired taste, but he is not evil.

Forced to accept it, still chickening out of asking Ivan whether he knows they’re dating, wondering if they are dating, if Ivan knows that Fedyor knows they’re dating, if Fedyor only thinks he knows that they are dating while they are not actually dating, or if Ivan thinks he knows that they’re dating while they’re… whatever the fresh-fried fuck is truly happening here, Fedyor trudges off for what has become his almost-weekly rendezvous with Ivan the-Maybe-Not-Quite-So-Terrible. They manage to have a few conversations verging on meaningful, and Fedyor has found himself telling Ivan about his family and Nizhny Novgorod and other such things. Fedyor likes to talk and Ivan likes to listen, though he breaks in now and again with a bone-dry quip. He’s still never what you would call loquacious, or easily forthcoming, but Fedyor likes that. Ivan is tough, complex, enigmatic, guarded, occasionally willing to let down his walls but only if the other person is worth it, and Fedyor finds, to his surprise, that he wants to be worth it. If this is a long-con mind game, he almost doesn’t care. (Almost.)

The problem, however, is that they’ve been seeing each other regularly for a month and a half and they haven’t gotten any closer than walking through a park, outdoors, in full view of their fellow comrades. Even the first time Fedyor takes the plunge and invites Ivan to his apartment, they sit three feet apart on the couch, watching a badly-Russian-subtitled version of Die Hard and providing critical commentary. Fedyor’s English is a lot more fluent than Ivan’s, and his middle-class family, while not exactly wealthy, is definitely better off than Ivan’s hardscrabble clan of miners and loggers in Siberia. That upbringing certainly does explain, to some degree, why Ivan is the way he is, and Fedyor wonders anxiously if Ivan views him as an insufferably posh city boy. Ivan barely finished high school and went straight to working in a Krasnoyarsk aluminum factory. He definitely did not faff around Moscow State University and attend global development seminars in Paris.

Nonetheless, despite their obvious differences, they do get along, and Fedyor is unable to deny the fact that he would, if it’s all right with everyone, like it to be more than that. Of course, finding out if Ivan knows, etc. etc., has been the paramount challenge, and there is no way to find out other than to go for it. Fedyor is 75% sure that they’ve been going steady for two months, but if it’s actually the other 25%, this is going to get awkward in a hurry. Is this essentially a fake relationship, or is it only fake because they’re both idiots?

After having duly commended his soul to God, Fedyor invites Ivan over on Saturday night. He rents a tiny flat by himself since he’s been burned on rooming with strangers, but Ivan is used to it by now, and it doesn’t feel too small with the two of them. Fedyor strains his limited culinary skills to cook supper, probably making his babushka cluck her tongue and sigh in a judgmental fashion back in Nizhny Novgorod, and they sit down and eat in silence for five minutes. Then Fedyor says, “Vanya?”

The consistent use of the diminutive has started sometime in the last few weeks, neither of them remember quite when. Ivan doesn’t correct him. “Yes?”

Fedyor clears his throat. “Do you…” He winces. “Do you… like me?”

“Yes?” Ivan says again, looking confused. “I would not have spent so much time with you if I did not, don’t you think? We are friends.”

“Yes, I know that we’re friends, but…” Fedyor looks at the ceiling. It doesn’t help, so he looks back at Ivan. “Are we… special friends?”

Ivan continues to look blank. “Are we?”

Fedyor resists the urge to tug at his collar, thinking that it’s a damn good thing that he didn’t go with his other idea of just leaning across the table and passionately kissing him. With absolutely no change of tone or expression, Ivan says, “Please explain. Special friends how?”

“Friends who want to…” Fedyor takes a deep breath. “Be… more than friends?”

“How?” Ivan orders again, ruthlessly. “Be clear, Fedya.”

“Are we maybe… boyfriends?” Fedyor’s voice squeaks on the word. “As in… we have feelings for each other that aren’t just… friendly? Like… feelings which are… romantic?”

Ivan continues to stare at him like a statue for several more seconds, and Fedyor contemplates the feasibility of tunneling directly through the floor of his apartment and running all the way to Latvia. Then at last, Ivan throws his head back and – startling Fedyor deeply – breaks into real, genuine, belly laughter, the kind that he has never heard from Ivan before. “Oh my,” he chortles, slapping the table. “Your face. You were sweating bullets.”

“WAIT, WHAT!?!” Fedyor pushes his chair back and stands up with a clatter, incandescently outraged. “Are you – were you messing with me?!!”

“Maybe a little,” Ivan says, wiping his eyes. “You know, all this time, I have not been sure if you are shy or a terrible prude. Why haven’t you kissed me yet?”

“God’s Mother in Heaven – ” Fedyor feels another prick of disloyalty to his babushka for swearing on the Bogomater, but some people deserve it. All inhibitions forgotten, he charges at Ivan like a runaway train, as Ivan springs out of his own chair in readiness, and starts pounding on his chest in transports of fury. “You are the worst! You are the worst person ever! For two months, what have we been doing?! I have been afraid this whole time that maybe you don’t know what’s really going on, and now – ?! You are the worst!”

Ivan catches Fedyor’s flailing arms, holds them away from him, and picks him up bodily, swinging him around and pushing him against the wall. “Maybe I am just a dumb country boy from Siberia,” he remarks, “but even I am not that stupid, Fedyor Mikhailovich.”

“I hate you,” Fedyor pants, their faces and their mouths an inch away from each other. “Get out of my apartment.”

“Mmm?” Ivan cocks an eyebrow. Then he plants both hands on either side of Fedyor’s head, leans in, and deeply, savagely captures Fedyor’s mouth with his own.

Every remaining vestige of barely rational thought in Fedyor’s head evaporates in screaming shock. He still wants to shove Ivan away, knee him in the balls, or break a chair over his head, but if he did that, he would have to stop kissing him, and he can’t do that either. He moans, Ivan’s tongue takes the opportunity to slip into his mouth, their hands clutch and claw and their legs melt out from under them, they turn away or break contact only to gulp a breath before diving back in again, and the next time Fedyor is aware of anything, they have collapsed on his kitchen floor in a wrung-out, entangled, gasping heap. Ivan says in his ear, “Do you still want me to leave, Fedya?”

“No,” Fedyor manages. “Because now, I am really going to make you suffer.”

Ivan’s smile is dark and full of promise. He pulls back, gets to his feet, and holds out a hand. “Then I’ll meet you in the bedroom.”

(Ivan doesn’t leave Fedyor’s apartment that night. He doesn’t leave it the next night either. At the end of the week, Fedyor calls up Nadia and informs her that he hates her so much, and when they do next see each other, he’ll shake her by both shoulders and then thank her for introducing him to the no-good, truly awful, very bad love of his life.)

#ivan x fedyor #heartrender husbands #henchmen deserve happiness too okay #a phantom in enchanting light #mearcatsreturns #ask #fivan ff

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lizacstuff · 3 years

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EPISODE 34 - Sen Çal Kapımı/Edser Asks

(asks under the read more)

Anonymous said: Thoughts on the episode? I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel which is the end of this current storyline. Very much looking forward to Eda & Serkan being reunited at which point I will delete episodes 30-34 from my memories. This episode to me had the same vibe as 32 which overall had the feeling of actual progression for Eda & Serkan. It has been said before but the amnesia storyline and Serkan falling in love with Eda again could have been much more enjoyable with better writing and no Selin or Deniz but this is the plot we were given. So hoping for another Edser filled episode that includes Serkan professing his love to Eda in front of everyone.

YES, LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL. Me too. I think we’re close to being rid of Selin and Deniz.

As for the episode, it was a LOT better than the last one and was probably the easiest episode to watch since 28, but it’s still part of this unenjoyable arc. I agree that it had a similar vibe to 32, which was one of the best of this stretch. The writers seemed to have fixed the Edser screen time issue that plagued the last episode. I always want more, but there was enough in this episode to where at least I didn’t feel cheated. The episode was a lot lighter and had more of a romcom feel than any since Serkan lost his memory and I welcomed that as well. There were a number of very enjoyable Edser scenes AND the icing was very little Selin.

That gave the episode room to breath, and room for Serkan and Eda to breath, which was much needed.

Their bickering, starting at the station was fun to watch. And while I was pretty skeptical about an episode centered on Serkan trying to get Eda to admit her engagement is fake, it lead to some fun scenes. Him taunting her in the office about love gave us back some of that old romantic comedy sexual tension. Engin’s couple game gave us a few good moments, but, wow, it was really, really poorly constructed. Seriously, Serkan, you have to find someone savvier to do this sort of work for you. Leyla would have been better, even Erdem would have done better! Probably. But the looks that Eda and Serkan were giving each other through that sequence gave me life. Squinting, peering one eye open, but always finding one another. Good stuff.

As for the boxing, I’m glad they waited to do that sequence for a time when she had some anger at him to deal with! It just wouldn’t have been the same if they’d been playfully sparring. I equally enjoyed her beating the shit out of him and how hot her climbing all over him was.

The catwalk was hot. Like really, super duper, 5 alarm fire, hot. I love that the editors made a 30 foot runway seem like it was 300 feet. And when they turned and she put her hand on his shoulder. I swooned. I don’t even care that it makes no sense to ask your architects to walk in a fashion show... though when one of your architects is as next level beautiful as Eda, you can see why they’d want her. (Sorry Selin, they probably saw you walk at the charity show too, but passed) Though why did they want Deniz? He’s not famous or attractive. It would have made more sense if they’d wanted the famous and handsome Serkan Bolat from the start. Though this way was more fun. GO MELO. BEST FRIEND EVER. Can we get her some sort of prize? She has her dada’s back, ALWAYS. Serkan and Eda are going to owe her for life.

Having Eda fall off the boat was... extra. Especially since I’m sure she will be fished out no worse for the wear right off the top. Is it too much to ask that Serkan accuses Selin of pushing her? Please!?!?!?

Anonymous said: is it bad that deniz is now annoying me more as a villian than selin.. granted, last ep selin had very little screentime (thank god) and when she was there was usually playing third wheel to edser.. but deniz is slowly getting worse and worse.. manipulating eda into continuing their fake game and now basically pulling the puppet strings with selin. as much as i hated how ceren told serkan about the fake engagement, i WAS rooting her on when she yelled at him about him taking advantage of eda.

Deniz needs to take a long walk off a short pier. Good gawd he’s really turned into a psycho, hasn’t he?

Look, I know Eda and Serkan are both awesome. They’re insanely good looking and charming and smart and successful, BUT, PEOPLE, even they are not worth losing your dignity and your sanity over. Balca, The Prince, Selin and Deniz... all gone crazy over them.

With Selin this episode, though, she sort of struck me as resigned to her fate. Like she’s still going through the motions of being a psycho stalker and playing the game, but deep down she knows she’s lost. She’s seen this movie before, she knows what it looks like when Serkan is falling in love with Eda, and she knows it’s happening again and that she doesn’t stand a chance. She’ll keep trying on the off chance Eda gets hit by a bus (or falls off a boat) and because she is seriously not right in the brain, but she’s lost all her swagger.

Think about all StalkerSelin has witnessed. In 30 she saw them having intense moments by the fire, in 31 she saw them having intense moments on the boat. She knows Serkan took off on her birthday to go help Eda with the project and they spent all day together. Then later that same day she was abandon by him before she could blow out her candles so that he could go save Eda, then she saw him sleep snuggling with Eda, all so they could come back and she could go spy on him planting terrariums with Eda and then he lies to her face and she watches him go to meet Eda for dinner. In this episode, Eda and Serkan were bickering about whether or not Serkan was staring at Eda and they didn’t stop when Selin entered the office and neither one even seemed to noticed her! Serkan is fixated on Eda and Selin knows it.

She was acting defeated before she got the photos. Now that she has them... what will she do? Crawl in hole and die? One can hope!

Anonymous said: just general thoughts: i was able to enjoy this episode way more than the previous ones and not cause there was miracle occurrence in the episode.. but because there was minimal selin lol. the selin fatigue is real!!! it also helps that while yes, serkan was teasing and trying to rile eda up, he wasn't using selin to do it this episode. for some reason with how it's going (and with neslihan's emoji spoilers for next ep) i do believe he's gonna remember at the end of next ep.

The Selin fatigue is real. They really ruined what could have been an interesting and good batch of episodes by inserting her unnecessarily into the plot. I really think amnesia was enough drama and enough of a stumbling block without this aggravating nonsense. Every second she is on screen is a chore to watch.

As for him remembering at the end of next episode, it’s possible. A lot of people are out there selling spoilers (which almost every source of spoilers has been so wrong so many times, that I’m not sure why anyone pays attention to any of them anymore) that he remembers by the end of the next ep.

Here’s the thing though, he has to tell Eda he loves her before he remembers. That’s what all of this has been leading to, him falling in love with her again from scratch, so as long as that happens, it’s plausible. But any theory that involves him getting his memories back and then going after her... doesn’t ring true to me. I mean with this batch of writers anything could happen, (because they have some issues) but if they do that, then I have no idea what this entire arc has been about.

Anonymous said: The mystery person has got to be Ferit, right? ever since that first episode back, they've been sure to throw in one scene each episode where he's delivering some sort of warning to Selin telling her to knock it off. Unless its a random new/returning character that we haven't seen as part of this arc yet.

I don’t know. He’s definitely a suspect, but here’s my thing with that theory, a) Ferit is not the sharpest tool in the shed b) Ferit is usually such a straight forward, honest character. I mean this is the guy that blurted out in episode 1 how happy he was that Serkan was engaged to such a beautiful woman because he considered him his rival for Selin. No filter.

It’s hard for me to believe he’s become this diabolical and sneaky and savvy. I feel like if he had the photos he’d just hand them to Serkan. But we’ll see.

He’s on my list of potentials, but I also wonder if someone hired a PI or someone to follow Selin, and on that list of suspects for me is Aydan, Babaanne, Alptekin and Serkan himself.

Anonymous said: one of my fav scenes from last ep was weirdly the girl talk scene between melo, eda, and ayfer. them talking about eda's feelings and encouraging her was much needed. and for once in the entire show, ayfer actually spoke some sense.. guess her little stint with alex woke up her eyes to love or something lmao. we need more scenes like that where character motivations are laid out plainly.

Ayfer made up for a LOT with that one scene. Wow, she actually wasn’t thinking selfishly and put Eda’s heart first and didn’t immediately vilify Serkan. A miracle!

It was a very good scene. And when I rank characters (in my head) from best to worst, she’s now above Piril and Ceren! Oh man, Ceren really out did herself with the way she framed Eda’s fake engagement to Serkan. I really don’t understand where her rage at Eda came from, but she better seek help soon if she wants any chance at redemption.

Also I know it’s terrible, but when Piril was upset about Engin potentially cheating... I LAUGHED out loud. I think I might have also yelled, “SUFFER BITCH!” I really can’t stand her and I loved seeing her miserable. After enabling Selin she deserves the pain.

Anonymous said: So I kind of felt bad for Serkan because of Eda’s strong reaction to him kissing her but at the same time, not. His out of the blue invitation to dinner and the kiss with no explanation was just never going to go over very well after his recent behavior. And of course she was going to think he got his memory back because in her mind it is the only explanation for him kissing her at this point. But at the same time it would have been really interesting to see how he reacted to her just pulling him in for another kiss. He clearly would have been totally into it and then who knows how the rest of the episode would have gone 🤷🏻‍♀️. They are stuck in a bad cycle, he overlooks her sensitivity to things due to not remembering their past and she is unable to overlook his insensitivity due to their past together. And the writers want to keep dragging this out so Eda & Serkan are constantly interrupted before they can talk stuff out.

They did a nice job of finally having Eda talk about what’s going on in her brain box. She wants her Serkan back just as he was before. Which is understandable, but she’s pinning all of her hopes on Serkan remembering and when he doesn’t she loses it.

Thank goodness Melo and Ayfer were there to gently talk some sense to her. It isn’t his fault that he doesn’t remember and he’s not doing it on purpose. And as Melo said he’s falling in love with her again, him walking in and kissing her was a big sign of that. I think we all worried he was going to say something jerkish to her after the kiss, but he didn’t. He was just honest that he didn’t remember, and I think slapping him was a little harsh. I mean she’s definitely not in the wrong here, he’s been a whole jackass at times, but she’s putting all her effort into getting him to remember, and she’s not succeeding, but she should maybe recognize when she’s making other headway with him. You know, like him arranging a dinner and walking up and kissing her. Maybe ride that wave and see where it goes!

As you said, if she’d kissed him again, things would have ended differently. Or if instead of getting angry she had said, “Okay, you kissed me but you still don’t remember, where do we go from here?” However, slapping him in that moment is very true to her character. We know she reacts emotionally, and her spontaneity and volatility are a part of her, and he loved all of her.

Anonymous said: I guess the writers pay attention to some details - seems the project that got cancelled in 32 was the same Serkan said was going badly in 28. But not other details - Leyla puts down the papers to say the project was cancelled without telling Serkan, knowing that he'd see them on his desk right away, and he does. So wouldn't he have noticed the envelope the day of the surprise dinner? He had plenty of opportunity. I thought this ep it would be revealed he saw the pics but he didn't seem to know.

I find it hella hard to believe that those photos sat on his desk all day and he didn’t open them (in 33) or that they hit his desk this episode after Eda handed them to him and he didn’t open them. So, yeah, either he’s seen them or this was a big writing fail. (Right now I’m thinking it was a big writing fail).

Though personally, at this point, I don’t want them to be found until after Serkan declares his love for Eda. Let him make the decision and then lets have the evidence that makes everything guilt free and easier to humiliate and punish S/D.

Anonymous said: Is Deniz trying to trick Eda into a real legal marriage? is that what is about to happen here? I can't decide if he is worse than Selin now. I'm going to need Ayfer to bring back her threat to expose everything.

They can be equally psycho and bad. I’m not sure overall he’s worse, yet, but he was definitely way worse this episode. How has Eda not noticed that he has interrupted intense moments between her and Serkan too many times to be helpful? That’s one thing I hate about this storyline is that they have had to dumb down both Eda and Serkan to make it work.

I have no idea what Deniz’s end game is. Is he going to trick her into marriage? But even so, what then? If she thinks it’s a fake ceremony, but it’s real, what does he think Eda is going to do? Does he really think she’ll think his lies and tricks are charming, and stay married to him?

Or does he think that if he gets Eda to the wedding day, and Serkan doesn’t make a move, Eda will just go “Okay, then I guess I might as well marry you for real.” Good grief. The guy is delusional.

I admit that I yelled, “FUCK YOU” multiple times during his scenes. This was a very vocal episode for me. I was so happy when Melo outmaneuvered him at the fashion show. Finally, someone was able to turn the tables on him.

Anonymous said: I am so tired of hearing on Twitter that the Eda is entirely to blame for Edser not being reunited yet. Nope, that does not rest entirely on Eda or Serkan’s shoulders. The writers have created a never ending cycle of the two of them hurting each other directly & indirectly and also being manipulated by their so called childhood friend/fiancés. This Serkan does not even believe in true love and has been manipulated to think Eda is an awful person. Eda has been watching the love of her life getting cozy with Selin and he has repeatedly told her that they do not have a future together not to mention Deniz’s manipulations as well. Regardless of what they are each feeling, they do not think the other person feels the same way. The fake engagement with Deniz is awful just like Serkan’s real engagement with Selin is but again not solely Eda’s fault. And saying that Eda needs to be the bigger person because she has her memories is not fair. She does not know if he will ever get them back and again he has repeatedly said they have no future together & he is with Selin. Eda walks into that office everyday to be close to him and she puts up with his crap comments and the bs from Selin in the hope that things turnaround. And for the boxing scene, yes, it would have been great if Eda has poured out her true feelings but not 100% sure the writers would have let Serkan reciprocate in that moment not to mention Deniz showed up 3 seconds later. The real people to blame are the writers that came up with this plot where no one wins.

Someone said Eda is entirely to blame for Edser not being reunited yet? Where are you hanging out on twitter? You need to find better people to follow who understand that Serkan HAS AMNESIA and is being manipulated. No need to play the blame game on this one, it’s a horrible situation for both of them.

Eda has been dealt a lousy hand, very lousy, she and Serkan are both victimes here trying to find their way out. That being say, she decided to go on the offensive and play a game, and in that game she’s made some tactical errors. Which is not laying blame it’s just saying she’s made some missteps.

Where she’s going wrong, as I said above, is that she is doing everything to get Serkan to remember, and she isn’t focused in on the fact that he’s falling back in love with her regardless of his memory. That’s pretty extraordinary!

I really think when she answered “Yes” to loving Deniz and wanting to marry him, that was one of those missteps. A big one. I’m not saying she should have bared her soul right then and there, but I think she probably would have been better off not answering the questions at all. Perhaps telling him that he can’t ask her that while he’s engaged to Selin. Turn it back on him, but saying she loves Deniz when they were having a very serious, raw moment... mistake. And that’s why the whole thing is going to go right up until the wedding day. Let’s hope one of them puts their stubbornness aside before she’s shackled to a psycho. (Don’t worry, they will).

#Sen Çal Kapımı #sen cal kapimi #edser #sckask #sck 1x34 #sck episode discussion #asklizac

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armandbacon · 3 years

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xianglingslesbian · 3 years

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oh I'll give u a character alright: Izuki, Kiyoshi, Riko and Aomine <333 technically that's four, but what goes around comes around (I'll keep this circle of love goin forever buddy)

VICCCC ily my man <33 thank u!!! aight putting this under a cut bc it got long

Izuki

Why I like them: izuki’s just overall so amazing! he inspires me to give my best in the stuff i do, and although it sounds a bit silly i try to be a person that he’d be proud of. his puns are hilarious and well-thought-out (as a person who loves words and word jokes, i’m naturally drawn to him lol). they’re also a way to take the heat off the team, he’s so hardworking and never views obstacles as obstacles, rather as hills he must climb to find newer skies. he’s also rather clever and employs his brains to great effect when his body fails him! izuki embodies the meaning of ‘eagle’ in the truest sense - waiting to strike when the time is right and not failing when it is.

Why I don’t: *sweats* can’t really think of a reason i don’t like izuki, at all??? i guess he can overwork himself a lot and tends to keep his true emotions hidden which could lead to misunderstandings between friends (although this is totally headcanon territory lol)... i also didn’t like the ableist comment he passed on hayama (“i’m just glad you weren’t smarter than me”). but i think he can (and will!) grow from that kind of stuff, he is that kind of person so yeah no particular reason for me to dislike him at all

Favorite episode (scene if movie): how dare you make me pick s3 e8 izuki vs kasamatsu, hands down. i know its like cliche or whatever but that moment just told me so much about izuki as a character? he’s willing to do what it takes to win, he’s adaptable and dependable and he doesn’t let shit get him down ever. it’s gorgeous

Favorite season/movie: s3, he got some fantastic moments in there!! although i will say i loved the spotlighting he got in s1 in the seihō match

Favorite line: “Fear isn't a bad thing. There are some things that can only be done by cowards.” this is first of all such a nice thing to say. ‘fear is not bad’ is just... so fucking wise? keep in mind that this boy is 17, i’ve met 30 year olds who are less mature. secondly it feels like izu’s speaking from experience?? like he has a lot to be scared of, i’m sure. particularly of falling behind and being a burden to his teammates. but it’s that ‘cowardice’ that drives him to practice so so hard. that visceral terror of weighing on seirin is what pushes izuki beyond his limits - which is why here he can empathise with furi’s fear, and knows how best to employ it.

Favorite outfit: look i hate last game w/ a passion but that lil tie/shirt/hoodie thing he had going? that was literally so cute. izuki in general has a p great fashion sense but his last game outfit takes the cake <3

OTP: hyuuizu oh my god i could talk for years about them but since this post is gonna be very long i’ll refrain. just. they are perfect they are fucking perfect

Brotp: kiyoizu!! kiyoshi is izuki’s biggest enabler and i love that for him <3

Head Canon: izuki can be very very passive aggressive when he’s angry at someone/sad and gets cold and withdrawn. it’s not fun to experience but tbh if you upset him you probably deserve it

Unpopular opinion: izuki should’ve been naturally better in canon. it’s not fair to shaft him and give the ‘trier’ thing off to himuro. that being said i am p happy with who he is as a person

A wish: i want to know how izuki felt after middle school! izuki’s and riko’s backstory focuses so much on hyuuga its dumb >:( he also would’ve been demoralised but he didn’t quit bball and i would like to know his thought process!

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: i. uh. i guess izu quitting basketball. because i genuinely cannot see that happening. it brings him so much joy, he should never stop cold turkey. i can imagine old man izuki hobbling about a court giving little kids pointers and making them laugh T-T

5 words to best describe them: “big brain caffeine-powered clown baby”

My nickname for them: babyzuki/izu/shunshun

Kiyoshi

Why I like them: lots of reasons! kiyoshi is an admirable person. he’s strong, yet friendly and gentle, and he loves his team above all else, which i just find beautiful. i find his manipulative side also pretty cool, bc it shows off how multifaceted he is.

Why I don’t: this is more of a fandom reason but i really dislike how kiyoshi is always said to have had the greatest impact in hyuuga’s story. he badgered and manipulated hyuuga, and while some may argue hyuuga needed that push, it only worked bc hyuuga had had time to think about shit. he’d also been given space by riko and izuki (two integral parts of his life whom the fandom looooves to sideline for uwu kiyo//hyuu).

Favorite episode (scene if movie): yousen match (can’t pick the episodes)! i loved the backstory we got for kiyo vs mura and i loved how kiyoshi was willing to smile and play but also refused to lose. he truly stole the show despite kagami being the one to finally take down murasakibara, it was gorgeous <3

Favorite season/movie: s2 for sure. kiyoshi wasn’t allowed to shine much after yousen imo - all the focus was on hyuuga kagami and kuroko, and to a lesser extent izuki. not complaining, but yeah

Favorite line: “Let’s go have some fun.” i know it’s kinda cliche but i do love how kiyoshi’s always thinking about playing a good game and enjoying basketball. he wants to play because he loves it and as someone who loves a sport as much as kiyoshi loves b-ball, that love is so poignant and tender

Favorite outfit: practice clothes! kiyoshi looks great in pink <3

OTP: kiyohana. hateshipping amirite ;)

Brotp: kiyohyuu! i love them as friends so so much <3

Head Canon: kiyoshi is half-iranian on his mother’s side and is muslim. i won’t say too much because i am not muslim myself, i need to do more research into this but i’ve had this headcanon for quite a while now!

Unpopular opinion: he should be bullied more for the fact that his canon power is having yaoi hands

A wish: kiyo finds something he loves as much as b-ball. he can’t canonically play at this level again, so if he found another sport/competition/anything, it’d be amazing

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: he should never become demoralised. kiyoshi at heart is a dreamer, so let him dream, let him look towards tomorrow with a smile always

5 words to best describe them: “useless dreamy dumbass cheerleader clown”

My nickname for them: kiyoyo, bc my feelings about him have yo-yoed a lot lmao

Riko

Why I like them: im a lesbian, next. /j i love her because she’s so tenacious and driven. yet she’s also kind and gentle, and never loses her humanity. she cares, and she cares hard. she’s so fucking smart too like... coaching a hs basketball team at 17 against players of NBA calibre and making them win? i could never. seirin without riko is nothing.

Why I don’t: i dont like the constant slapstick of her beating up her boys. also, i dislike how the narrative forces her to act ‘feminine’ and then has the boys think of it as nothing. like first of all if someone like her offered me a kiss i would so take 100, and secondly... why is a girl’s worth so tied to her femininity? it’s awful

Favorite episode (scene if movie): her sending in furi vs kaijō, early in s3. it was an exceedingly smart move that could have only come from her knowing her players’ strengths and weaknesses intimately, and being a brilliant coach. just amazing <3

Favorite season/movie: all of them! riko has some amazing moments each season, so i can’t really pick

Favorite line: “Humans grow. Don't act like you understand when you don't even realize that!” here, riko knows and knows well that she is in her element. momoi might have the data, but riko understands adaptability and knows how to predict stuff. in that way, one can draw parallels between takao vs izuki and momoi vs riko: takao and momoi are recon experts, whereas riko and izuki are strategists. momoi uses raw data; riko manipulates the data to her advantage

Favorite outfit: idk if this is exactly an outfit but her glasses are so cute oh my gosh. (i’d kill to see her in a leather jacket tho)

OTP: rikomomo!!! i’m 100% sure that momoi’s fixation w/riko’s boobs is just... repressed lesbian sentiments. also sports girlfriends gimme

Brotp: hyuuizuriko. i hc that hyuuizu were tgt since elementary school and riko joined them in middle school so... childhood friends feels!

Head Canon: riko knows how to shoot a gun. her father owns one so it makes sense

Unpopular opinion: riko does not need to have bigger boobs in fanart. please stop sexualising a 17 year old girl

A wish: white suit riko please

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: her ever leaving behind sports in any way shape or form. it’s her thing. in the same vein, she should never have to change herself or become more traditionally feminine to be ‘appealing’

5 words to best describe them: perfect perfect perfect perfect perfect

My nickname for them: ai/riri

Aomine

Why I like them: aomine is just a pure, hurting young man that deserves help. he’s passionate, and his fire died down out of no fault of his own. that fire’s reignition through kagami is one of my favorite scenes <3

Why I don’t: he’s perverted as hell and i dislike that. it plays into the ‘brutish dark-skinned pervert’ stereotype which is yikes. also i thought we were done with pervs in anime

Favorite episode (scene if movie): s2 seirin v touou when kagami enters the zone!! aomine’s finally happy and it’s so amazing to watch <3

Favorite season/movie: s2, he finally got happiness and peace of mind

Favorite line: “You’re the best!” there’s just so much of pure joy in this line. he’s so so beside himself that he finally has someone he won’t destroy. kagami sees aomine the person, and that person is so happy, it’s beautiful

Favorite outfit: the leather jacket from the finale lmaooo he looked so cute

OTP: AOKAGA BABY i could write an essay tbh

Brotp: aomomo!! theyre such good friends and bi/lesbian solidarity too!

Head Canon: aomine cannot dance. he has stepped on kagami’s feet multiple times. he has also attempted to twerk when drunk. kuroko recorded the whole thing and uses it as blackmail in case the puppy eyes and “but aomine-kun you didn’t fist bump me back” don’t work

Unpopular opinion: more a fandom thing, but you all need to stop making aomine the aggressive/possessive top/‘seme’. it’s racist as fuck

A wish: aomine goes pro. it’ll be amazing for him, a huge challenge and kagami will be there too so its a win-win ;)

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: he quits again/b-ball loses its allure. aomine at heart is someone who needs passion to drive him so i just want that passion to always burn bright within him

5 words to best describe them: “bastard baby needs a hug”

My nickname for them: dai-chan, momoi rubbed off on me

#izuki #kiyoshi #riko #aomine #vee #knb #ceru babbles #answered #omg i went OFF

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emotionalsupportfiction · 4 years

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Stages of Love Python

Long post with NSFW under the cut

Attraction:

• When he saw you enlist he thought it was such a shame that someone so cute would be used as another pawn in the noble’s stupid war. Yet another life to be wasted on pointless conflict “That’s life I s’pose...” he shrugged as he thought to himself

• You were a healer so your encounters with him were always brief and for medical reasons. You always had your hands full tending wounds, checking the medical supplies, or making salves, poultices, medicinal syrups and the like but Python noted that you did your job with a smile on your face, a smile he couldn’t get off his mind

• He noted how genuinely kind you are, how you tend to treat everyone equally. Status didn’t matter to you. There was a situation where Fernand had made quite the commotion about you tending to the wounded among which was Python. Fernand was going on about one of the nobles in the Deliverance needed medical attention for a wound, your response “I’ve already checked that Lord’s wounds sir and they aren’t that serious. Here however I have men with more serious injuries that I have to attend to.” You spun on your heels to tend to a soldier’s bleeding but Fernand grabbed your arm “How dare you prioritize the wounds of these rabble!” you didn’t let him finish, you yanked your arms from his grasp and looked him dead in the eyes “No. How DARE YOU, interfere with my work helping these men fighting YOUR war. I don’t serve nobility alone, I serve all those who need help. Now Fernand, leave this tent. I’ll check up on Blahey once I’m done here.” you resumed to tending the injured. You definitely earned a lot of respect from Python

• Python was nursing a hangover when a cup of something was placed right next to him, looked up and saw you. You said it was for his hangover and he continued to ask you why. “I now something that can cure a hangover, you have one, so I made you some.” he scoffed at your response “Sunshine, little ol’ me’s hungover cause I got smashed last night, go worry about someone else.” you chuckled “Oh cobra...” “Its Python.” he interrupted “I know, but you’re not the only one who can give nicknames.” He liked that you had a sense of humor, he found himself interacting with you more and developing a friendship. There came a time he trusted you enough to tell you his given name so you’d stop calling him “viper” or “cobra” or “adder” and the like, he’s kinda hoping he’d get to hear you say his given name.

• He liked how open-minded you were and how safe he felt talking to you, he knew he would get no judgment. He spent fewer nights getting drunk and chasing skirts at pubs and more time with you. Lukas and Forsyth were very happy with the change in how Python used his free time though you still enabled his habit of napping. If Python would carry the herbs for you or help you pick them, you’d let him nap in the healer’s tent. He liked that but he liked the fact he had an excuse to spend time with you more

• One time he opened up about his father and the effects his old man on him rather than feel pity or look down on him your response was unexpected “That must’ve been very difficult for you having to support yourself at such a young age. But look how far you’ve come now. You’re nothing like your father Python, you’re reliable, diligent, and you look out for your friends.” he was rendered speechless after that

• It took time for him to catch feelings but once he did they developed far too quickly for his liking. His closest friends started noticing how his behavior changed while he was around you. How he smiled more, was less cynical, would actually do his work. If Lukas or Forsyth asked him to do a task they’d get maximum resistance and complaints. On the other hand, if you asked he’d either say “no” in jest but do it anyway or do it outright. You always thanked him for his effort “C’mon sunshine, it's a small thing don’t put Ol’Python on a pedestal, might get used to it.” he rubbed the back of his head “Well you helped me and I appreciate it. Could I make you some dinner to thank you?” there’s that smile that always melts his heart and makes him weak in the knees, he hopes you don’t notice him blushing. “I’d like that very much sunshine...”

• Python thought these feelings would pass but they only got deeper and more intense. He wasn’t content with stolen glances, time spent helping you with chores or just being in your presence. He got jealous when he’d see you getting all playful with Forsyth or Tobin, it drove him crazy knowing you were alone with Lukas or Luthier studying something, he wished he was in Gray’s position when you ruffled the younger man’s hair. He knew he shouldn’t be jealous but you meant a lot to him and he was dying to know what he meant to you. He had to tell and if you didn’t feel the same way about him he could move on

Confession:

• Python knew his confession would not be some grand gesture, that’s just not who he was. Straight forward, simple, and concise, fewer opportunities to mess up. Great, now all he had to do was wait for the chance to tell and preferably when it was just the two of you.

• He spotted you sitting under a tree humming to yourself and he knew this was his chance. Taking in a deep breath, he steeled himself and made his approach. Words clumsily tumbled out of his mouth, frustrated he threw all caution to the wind and spoke candidly. He confessed to falling in love with you, he knew there were parts of his personality that would understandably make you hesitant to have a relationship with him, but Python wanted to try to be a better man and earn his chance. Putting the time into courting you, making an effort to earn your rust was something he’d gladly do but he’d completely understand if you didn’t see him as anything more than a friend. After pouring his heart out he readied himself for rejection but that never came. With a smile on your face and comforting touch to his shoulder, you said you’ll give him a chance and that he could court you. This was one of the few instances Python smiled sweetly and sincerely.

• Python got tips from Lukas and few unsolicited tips from Clive on how to go about courting you. It was quite the process as this was new territory for him but you felt the sincerity in his efforts. Waiting for you outside your tent to help you with your daily chores, knowing when you were low on herbs used for healing salves and syrups, and small tokens of affection. The most noteworthy gift he gave you was a small arrowhead necklace made of your favorite precious stone. The arrowhead charm was fixed between two wooden beads he had fashioned himself, the string it was on was a bowstring from one of his old bows. You knew that charm was not cheap and Python must have saved to afford it, add the effort of making the wooden beads and shaping the arrowhead. The effort and sentiment earned your sweet “yes”. “Sunshine… so we’re… uh, we’re a couple now?” he was uncharacteristically sheepish as he asked this. You held the necklace close to your heart and nodded “A couple, yes… a couple of idiots.” You both had a good laugh. You never took off that necklace.

First Kiss:

• You both agreed to take things slowly and not rush your relationship. Your first kiss most definitely happened well into the relationship, within the first 2-3 months.

• Python peeked into the healers’ tent to check if you were there, you were busy checking on the supplies. Silque was there too and they exchanged greetings, Python couldn’t help himself and hugged you from behind. “P-Python! Mila’s grace Silque is here!” you turned crimson but Silque chuckled “Oh its alright, I was just on my way out. If you both will excuse me.” She left the tent with a “certain” smile on her face. Your boyfriend took that as his cue to bury his face into your neck and sighed in content from your scent and warmth. “Oh Py… rough day? You can nap for a bit here…” you dropped what you were doing and turned around to return his embrace. “I’m fine. Just miss ya’ is all…” he cupped your cheeks and titled your head to face him “ B’sides Fors is probably looking for me and I gotta train some recruits, ‘fraid I can’t stay long love.” He rested his forehead on yours, both of you basked in that warm intimate moment. He squeezed your cheeks lightly before he pressed a kiss on your forehead. Python kissed your forehead again, then the bridge of your nose, trailing feathery kisses down to your cheek pausing briefly before planting a chaste kiss on your lips. He pulled away with a sigh though he felt you tug at him, your eyes were shut tight and your cheeks warm and flush “One more…” you tugged at him again. Now, who was he to deny your request, going for a deeper and more passionate kiss, so lost were both of you in the moment that neither of you noticed Forsyth coming into the tent. “Python!! The recruits have been waiting to get started, have you no consideratio- GAH! MY APOLOGIES!! SORRY! I SAW NOTHING!” the green soldier stumbled on his words and on himself as he made a panicked exit. Regardless, that didn’t ruin the memory at all.

First Time:

• Python respects the fact you want to take things slow, he didn’t want to rush you and ruin his one shot at what could be true love. Your first time would’ve happened after at least a year of being together.

• Both of you had snuck out from a wedding party (could’ve been Matilda and Clive’s, Claire and Gray’s, or Celica and Alm’s). You seated yourself on a windowsill in one of the castle’s many guest rooms while Python stood just inches from you, the two of you engaged in playful banter. A moment of intimate silence enveloped you two, he took this moment to hold you in his arms, pressing kisses into your hair and nuzzling his face into your neck. One thing led to another, now both of you were locked in a passionate kiss. He trailed hot needy kisses down your neck, nipping at the crook of your neck then soothing it with his tongue. Clothes were getting in the way so you both had to do away with those, you hungrily palmed at his body and he asked if you comfortable where this was going, a needy yes escaped your lips as you pulled him for another passionate kiss.

• He worshipped every inch of your body with his hands, lips, and tongue. He focused his efforts between your legs, draping your legs over his shoulders and went down on you, your whole being quivered at the sensation and you lost count at how many times he’d made you cum. Hearing your moans pushed his restraint to its maximum limit, he checked with you once again if you were okay with going all the way with him, you responded with a “yes” so thick with desire Python barely restrained himself. Teasing your entrance with his cock, he asked you once more and when you nodded he slowly slid the length of him into you. His thrusts started off slow but grew in intensity and depth, the window-rattling every time he sheathed himself into you. Your lover built you up to a climax then watched you melt and fall apart in front of him, he isn’t sure if you intended to do so but you called him by his given name when you orgasmed. Hearing his given name was hot and unexpected, he spilled himself onto your inner thigh.

• Once you caught your breath, you teased him about how surprised you were how energetic, passionate, and motivated he was being. You were expecting him to be more... laid-back, Python kissed you deeply, biting your bottom lip then licking it “Just you wait till morning love, I’ll show you energetic...” Python gladly accepted that challenge

Proposal:

• You and Python had been together for years now, the war was over and the topic of getting hitched was on the table. You and Python were on the same page that neither relationships nor marriage should be rushed. He didn’t believe in marriage before but things have changed now, funny how life works. Python knew how sacred you saw matrimony, it wasn’t a fancy expensive ceremony but a deep solemn promise of trust, respect, and love.

• When both of you were more open about the topic, Python knew he had to put his long-term plans into action. Being a militia leader didn’t pay well though, he admonished himself for not saving more while he was in the Deliverance and he felt much worse when he realized the available money he had could only afford a rather slim band with one humble stone. His damn pride wouldn’t allow him to borrow money from Forsyth or Lukas. Maybe he should’ve accepted the knighthood? Never the less, he bought the only ring he could afford (Also let’s face it if Forsyth found out, he’ll ruin the surprise)

• You were mending some clothes on the bed and heard Python come home from militia work, he made his way into your shared room. You chatted about your days as he took off his armor and changed into his house clothes. He got on the floor and rested his head on your lap, he nestled into your thighs, this wasn’t new to you at all as he’d often do this whenever the fancy strikes him. Setting aside the clothes you were mending, you focused your attention on him, running your fingers through his hair as he sighed deeply. “So warm and nice… I just wanna stay here with you forever. Stay with me forever won’t you sunshine?” he nuzzled himself deeper into you lap as you chuckled “Oh Py… if I didn’t know any better I’d think you…” he cut you off “That I was proposing? What if I was love?” looking up to your face frozen in surprise, Python gets on one knee and shows you the ring. “It’s… not much I know… I could save up and get you a better one, you deserve a nicer fancier one. I… I’ve just been thinking a lot about my future and you’re always there. I’ll break my back to provide for you and give you a comfortable life… What I’m trying to say is… What I’m asking is… do you see yourself spending the rest of your days with Ol’ me?” his voice trembled more than the time he confessed to you as he watched the tears stream down your face, you held his hands into your own. “It’s perfect… I love it the gem even matches the necklace you gave me. Oh, of course, I’d marry you!” Python felt your form crash into your own, your lips peppering his face with kisses. Python was the happiest man on earth at that moment and he thought he shouldn’t feel this much joy but damn he could get used to this.

Marriage:

• Neither of you liked the thought of a huge fancy wedding, a small intimate affair was more up to preference. Queen Celica and King Alm honored your wishes and conducted a humble ceremony with close friends only. Forsyth did not stop crying the whole ceremony, seven hells, even Python shed a few tears while saying his vows. Your first night as a couple was spent reminiscing and talking about your future together. Your new husband surprised you at how well thought out his plans with you were.

• Post-marriage Python retained his relaxed nature minus the cynicism. You were pleasantly surprised when he resigned from leading the militia group after he trained a suitable replacement. Even more surprising was how he picked up carpentry and became the village handy-man, he never ran out of things to fix. You’d hear him gripe and moan about it but deep down you how fulfilled he felt and how proud you are that he’s put his past behind him.

• He made good on his promise of providing for you, his first major project was building your house. There was something very alluring about seeing Python so motivated while working (and probably looking a bit sweaty), a few of his comrades from the militia pitched in to help build your new abode. You, on the other hand, opened a small bakery, nothing too fancy, just baked some loaves you sell to the villagers. Additionally, you were also the village healer.

• Because you’re such a good cook, Python’s gained a bit of weight. You don’t mind, you love pinching his hubby chubs while you’re in bed together. He doesn’t mind either, there’s more of him available for you to embrace and he can’t complain about the good food

• As a partner Python’s very laid-back and calm, it's easy to talk to him about what’s on your mind and he knows the right things to do or say to ease your worries. He’s very observant and sensitive, if you’re busy with a lot of medicine orders and hasn’t been started dinner, you’ll come home to the ingredients chopped and prepared, maybe some of the laundry’s been folded, or the house has been swept. Python loves your cooking and that’s not his area of expertise but if he can help a bit with the prep, he’ll do it.

• Forsyth would visit you both at least twice a month when he wasn’t too busy serving the One Kingdom. Python’s childhood friend would often gush at how far he’s come and how happy he was that Python married. Lukas would visit too, sometimes he and Forsyth would visit together and the house would be loud and vibrant.

• You don’t fight often but when the coins in the purse are sparse that’s when Python starts getting more irritable. All he wants is to provide for you, he doesn’t want to be like his father but you always assure him that isn’t the case, he’s not his father. If ever he ends up yelling at you he’s quick to apologize, you understand, he’s scared but Python has you now and keeping your family financially stable is a team effort. He doesn’t have to shoulder the burden alone, as time passes he grows out of it and though you wouldn’t say you’re the richest couple there is great wealth to be found in the bond both of you share

Notes: I enjoyed writing Python and Forsyth so much, I actually finished Python first but that was at almost 4K words so I had to edit it. Lukas is a challenge to write but I will try!

#fire emblem echoes #fire emblem echoes: shadows of valentia #Fire Emblem Python #FE Python #Python Fire Emblem #Python FE #reader x python #reader x python fe #Python x reader #Python fe x reader #fire emblem fiction #Fire Emblem Echoes fiction #maanrambles #i’m starving so I made 2 meals #its so easy for me to write about Python i just love this man so much #this is self-indulgence taken up to eleven #I focused all my lustful energy into this one and now I’m all shrivelled up

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warrior79sblog · 4 years

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NOT ONLY KNOWING, BUT PROVING THE WILL OF GOD

Bible Christianity is a challenge for us to be completely and whole-heartedly surrendered to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. That is the only way that we will truly know and be able to prove the will of God for our lives ~ the purpose for which He has saved us. Let us consider afresh this Scripture:

“I beseech (“urge”) you therefore, brethren, by the mercies (“tender compassions”) of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed (“fashioned in the same way”) to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable (“well pleasing”) and perfect (“complete”) will of God” (Romans 12:1-2).

The Scriptures are clear in their instructions to Christian believers. It is an “all or nothing” commitment to Jesus Christ ~ a total surrender to Him and His will for our lives.

· Christianity can only be truly effective and fruitful when we are walking in such a relationship with Jesus Christ that we personally do know His will for our lives and are able to prove it.

Anyone who is only half-committed will live an ineffective and powerless existence. This is an area of life where we all need to search our own hearts and know where we truly stand with God. It is a very sad thing when Jesus Himself states that “the harvest is plentiful; but the labourers are few” (Matthew 9:36-38). The labourers that Jesus is talking about has to be the Christians.

· Why are Christians so reluctant to get involved in the very purpose for which Jesus has chosen, called and commanded us?

· Do we not realize that His will and purpose for us is much better than anything we can think up?

The answers are given in Romans 12:1-2. After being in the Lord’s service for over 58 years I can honestly say that it is the most fulfilling way to live. We have been able to achieve things which could not happen if it were not for God confirming and proving His calling on our lives ~ and us proving and fulfilling His calling on our lives. When we are totally in the will of God then things happen in and through our lives where the “God factor” shines through. We experience things, God’s provision, enablement, etc., that does not happen for those who are only half-committed to God’s call. Jean and I have lived totally by faith since 1st January 2000, not knowing where our financial support is coming from next. Yet we have seen God provide for us every step of the way. We have no debts and every month every bill is paid ~ not only for us, but for The GFM Ministry which costs thousands of dollars to keep running each month. How is this happening? It is because we heard the voice of God to step out into the faith life and, if we did, God promised us that we would see what He could do for us. We feel more secure living by faith than we ever did living with a weekly salary when pastoring churches. Praise God! He is true to His word!

TOTAL COMMITMENT IS THE KEY!

If we meditate on the above verses we see that total commitment is our “reasonable (“rational, logical”) service” ~ it is what is expected of us by the Lord! We will never know and be able to prove the will of God in our life if we are not fully separated unto God and are no longer conformed to the world’s ways (which are very anti-Christ in their thinking and actions). There is a standard of holiness that we must walk in, because our God is a Holy God and He now lives within us by His Holy Spirit. God does not dwell in a temple that is corrupted by the sinful ways of the world.

Jesus taught that to follow Him we have to deny ourselves and take up our cross:

“Then He (Jesus) said to them all, ‘If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it. For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and is himself destroyed or lost? For whoever is ashamed (“to shame one’s self upon, in or at”) of Me and My words, of him the Son of Man will be ashamed when He comes in His own glory, and in His Father’s, and of the holy angels’” (Luke 9:23-26).

· The cross means death to self.

· It means we are yielding all our rights over to God and allowing Him to do what He wants to do in and through us.

His ways are so different from the natural way we knew prior to being born-again by the Holy Spirit. Being born-again means a total new beginning, in a whole new and different Kingdom to that which we have ever known before we gave our lives to Jesus Christ. Jesus is the King of the Kingdom that we have now been born-again into. He is the Lord and we have to yield our heart and will over to Him so that He can be Lord of our life ~ totally! Living God’s way means that we not only can know the will of God for our lives, but also be able to prove that we are in the will of God for our lives.

The Apostle Paul prayed: “that you might be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power . . .” (Colossians 1:9-11). To live and walk in the reality of these verses we must surely have to know and be able to prove God’s will in and for our lives. Let us rise up more and more, believing God and what He has purchased for us, so that we will know and prove His will as we walk through life with Him. There is nothing more fulfilling than knowing and proving that we are walking and living in God’s will and purpose for our lives!

This message is given to encourage you and not to condemn you. If you are struggling in this area, please take some time to come before the Lord and ask Him to reveal to you what He desires of you so you can not only know, but prove His will in your life. God bless you with the revelation of His will for you ~ Rodney W. Francis.

Bible Readings: Isaiah 6:1-9 Colossians 1:9-14

Prayer: “Dear Lord God, I come to You in the Mighty Name of Jesus, and I ask You to help me to love You more and more, and to keep my relationship and walk with You according to what You have given me in Your word. Please take out of me anything that should not be there, and put into me what should be there. Help me to see and understand more clearly what You have spoken so that I may be an obedient, effective and fruitful witness of Jesus Christ and His miraculous word and works. Help me to be totally set free of fear and anything man teaches that is not in accordance to what You have said. My desire is to be a true lover of God and to do whatever You ask of me. Thank You, Lord Jesus! In Jesus’ Name I pray these things, Amen.”

THE BEST IS YET TO COME FOR THOSE WHO BELIEVE

THE PROMISES OF GOD!

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leadkiss · 6 years

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disenchantment prompts: season one

[+] — feel free to adjust wording, pronouns, etc.

1x01: “A PRINCESS, AN ELF AND A DEMON WALK INTO A BAR”

“I’m actually hoping for death. Thanks, though!" "I thought that I’d get married for true love or because I was wasted." "First off, not a ghost. Ghosts are losers that got murdered. I’m a demon." "Your whining really turns me on." "I wanna taste something other than sweetness." "I’d rather die a big death than live a small life." "You know that little voice in your head that tells you to do the right thing? I’m the guy yelling over it." "I never said I’m your friend." "Well, I like war, but I wouldn’t say I love it." "Times when you really shouldn’t are exactly when you really should." "I was raised by a pack of drinking buddies and I came out perfect." "I’m not here to answer cat questions." "I’ve never had a nightmare. Is this one?" "Cool night air, sky full of stars. This sucks. How much further?" "Hey, he’s making fun of my dreams! That’s what friends do!" "You can sleep down by my feet. I call it the friend zone." "Pardon my language, but destiny is baloney!”

1x02: “FOR WHOM THE PIG OINKS”

“You don’t scare me. I was born scared!” “Your cruddy life is worth living! And so is mine, if you live.” “I know. It felt weird when I said it.” “I don’t see anyone else storming your castle, princess.” “Uh, you know what? I’m just not comfortable with murder.” “Selfish? Maybe. But cruel? Eh, also maybe.” “I must admit, the quantity blood exceeded my expectations.” “That’s not fair! You’re playing to your strengths and not mine!”

1x03: “THE PRINCESS OF DARKNESS”

“What a naughty night we had.” “May I interest you in a joy ride?” “Get ready. Next week, we’re going to try arson.” “You know they prey on the weak in prison? At least, I intend to.” “I’m kinda scared to try this. Will you peer pressure me?” “That is the most fun I’ve ever had without remembering a single moment of it.” “Trust me! I haven’t led you astray in minutes.” “I guess I’m gonna do this, unless someone talks me out of it.” “If I spend any more time with my family they’re going to start asking me why I’m not married.” “This is not good for my hangover.” “Great, you’re gonna make me be the good guy? Ugh, I hate that.” “Like I said on our first date, nothing could be worse than this.”

1x04: “CASTLE PARTY MASSACRE”

“You doing anything weird in here I said “no” about?” “Just making murder plans with my cat.” “If I find so much as a misplaced hair when I come back, I’ll cut off your arm.” “Dude. Decide what you want, drink ‘til you have the nerve to go for it, then keep drinking so the inevitable rejection doesn’t hurt so bad.” “I didn’t know you were interesting.” “Let’s make this night so legendary they caution children about it.” “I’m gonna march up and say something I’ll have figured out by the time I get there.” “Nice! She drank her way out of depression like a pro.”

1x05: “FASTER, PRINCESS! KILL! KILL!”

“You have got to learn to read the room.” “How dare you bring logic into God’s house?” “You know, I would have left willingly!” “Sorry. I’m done threatening you.” “This ain’t about my impulse control.” “You’re a good-for-nothing, and you’re good at nothing.” “Just remember, this job is easier than it looks.” “Every time I turn my head away, something bad happens.” “I would not kiss me right now.” “If you’re gonna crawl back, can I ride you like a horse?” “Are you crazy or under a curse?” “I’m not sure I can do this. I’ve never killed anyone before. (Who wasn’t trying to kill me first. Or bother me. Or marry me.)” “This is a goddamn solemn occasion so shut the hell up, all right?” “What is wrong with you? It’s like you WANT me to cut your head off.” “Every time that girl gets a little responsibility somebody winds up alive.” “I suck. The only thing I’m good at is sitting on this rock and crying.” “I’m confused. Does he want to die?” “I like this, but as a friend.” “All right, the creepy laughter has to stop before we can have a real conversation.” “You did it. You finally killed someone intentionally. I’m so proud of you.”

1x06: “SWAMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE”

“It’s drunk and I’m late. We better sneak in quietly.” “Oh floor, you’re always there for me. So supportive. Not like walls and staircases, always getting in my way.” “I’d like to have a role to play in your life. I’m tired of feeling useless.” “You’re a great writer! I read your diary.” “I’ll bring you what you deserve.” “Hey, I’m an enabler. There’s a big difference.” “Just once can we go on a family vacation without having to run away screaming?” “I hope you can sense my sarcasm through your drunken haze.” “See, this is why I always tell you not to try things.”

1x07: “LOVE’S TENDER RAMPAGE”

“If you could be any mythical creature, what would it be?” “We should go home before we pass out in the street. Again.” “I haven’t lived long enough to give up on my dreams yet.” “I can’t believe he stuck to his story no matter how hard I laughed.” “Why would I do you any favors?” “Don’t try to be my friend.” “What are you coming to me for? We don’t got that kind of relationship.” “Make room on the dance floor, cause I’m full of shrimp and I need to lay down.” “What can I say? I’m attracted to people who are good at their job.” “None of this would’ve happened if you’d just told the truth!” “I lied because I was too insecure to admit I tried to kiss you.”

1x08: “THE LIMITS OF IMMORTALITY”

"Entertainment is just a tool that pacifies the masses and leads to the decay and ultimate collapse of civilization. Let's clap along!" "I prefer to stay safe the old fashioned way: running like a coward." "I'd rather die than listen to this." "Immortality is a curse. When life is endless, so is everything else." "What part of "no thanks" do you not understand?" "I didn't save you so much as you fell on me." "Unlike other villains, I shan't be telling you my plan. Good day." "I am all about the easy way." "Eh, I've beheld better." "Now the only pain is humiliation." "Forty-five years of necromancing have led me to this moment." "See you in hell, weirdo!" "You know, I'm profoundly lonely, but I think you should leave."

1x09: “TO THINE OWN ELF BE TRUE”

"Where is the monster I married?" "I'm not a god. I'm not even a healthy man." "We lost him, but cured his headache." "How can you keep messing up a recipe with two ingredients?" "Lying to me in any other way but flattery is a mortal crime!" "You know, I just realized something: You're the reason I have a drinking problem." "Nice typical reaction, Mr. Predictable." "I wish you the best of luck embarrassing some other kingdom." "I found him! Wait a minute. It's just three quarters of a dead raccoon." "You do realize you're still hitting me?" "Hey, hey, hey. Slow down, champ. Oh, god I'm turning into my bartender." "You're never gonna be whole until you figure out who you really are, and there's only one way to find the answer." "I can't go home! It'll wreck my image as a total badass." "I smell cocoa, caramel and conformity." "I owe you an apology. Relatively speaking, you're a badass." "It's times like this I wish I had 3,000 fists." "I'll be watching. And judging. And generalizing." "I've been meaning to—but the thing is, I—so you see—well, I'm glad we had this talk. How about you talk now?" "I'm down to my second to last emergency flask, so let's have a toast." "I was waiting to tell you until after I was dead, so I wouldn't have to tell you." "Hey! Nobody calls me [name] except my best friends, and my worst enemies." "Ah, screw team spirit." "It's okay. I always wanted to go out when I was still young and hot." "Oh, man. If this is sadness, I don't like it one bit." "Nothing you can do can fix this!" "I don't even think it's real. It’s just some myth in a book." "You lied to me and betrayed me! Get out!" "Well, hey, good thing is, I swiped the only thing he cares about." "That's gotta make you feel a little better, right?" "Sorry, it's just... you have snot, like, all over your face." "Just close your eyes and don't think too much."

1x10: “DREAMLAND FALLS”

"I had to choose you." "Thank you for your kind gasps." "They taught me the fine art of stabbing." "It's just too painful seeing the truth all the time." "I blame myself, cause I didn't even notice." "I'm much more embarrassed than I am aroused." "Ha! I foresee trouble in someone's future." "What a horrific day you've had. Let's have too much wine and forget about it all." "I can't believe I'm reduced to talking to you." "It's gonna be another long, lonely night." "How did you get like this?" "Pour a drink, light a cigar, and hand 'em both to me." "This is where I come to clear my head. Or to sleep it off." "It's almost like you were never away." "Can you steer my stumbles in the direction of the bed?" "I have to take action. I hate action!" "My clothes are really heavy. Can we have this conversation sitting down?" "I used to spend many nights up here, watching the stars, the moon, the neighbors." "The truth has been right under your nose the whole time." "You know, we could've just gone to marriage counseling." "I do know how to pick 'em, don't I?" "I should be the one killing everyone. I should be the one creeping everyone out." "It was the only way to get you to stop talking." "I guess the only bright side is, now I got nothing left to lose."

#rp memes #rp meme #rp prompts #rp prompt #i dunnit #bean memes.#&. that sounds like a gamble to me. ( memes )#&. prompts.#long post //#disenchantment prompts

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ollyarchive · 5 years

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Years & Years’ Olly Alexander: ‘There’s entrenched homophobia at all levels of the music industry’

The frontman speaks to Brian O’Flynn about the importance of queer voices, the decline of pop music and how he keeps his mental health struggles in check

The past couple of years have seen queer pop acts climb their way up the cultural ladder. Artists such as Christine and the Queens, Hayley Kiyoko, Janelle Monae, Troye Sivan and Sam Smith are all pouring their sexuality into their music – by and large to critical acclaim. One of the most prominent members of this new queer cohort is Olly Alexander, frontman of British synthpop band Years & Years. But for him, there’s still a long way to go.

“There’s entrenched homophobia behind the scenes at all levels of the music industry,” says the 28-year-old. “It’s got so much better, but I think it’s gonna take a radical shift before these men who are in control of the funds and the labels and the radio stations are gonna be OK with overt queerness. They see it as turning off part of the audience.”

Years & Years, who play London’s O2 Arena today, came out in a big way in 2015. After being named BBC Sound of 2015 in January, the three-piece secured their first number one single a couple of months later, before topping the album charts that July with their debut record, Communion. Musically, they skilfully tapped into the then-zeitgeist for soulful pop-house.

By this point, Alexander was already a fairly familiar face, having appeared as an actor in the Channel 4 drama Skins, as well as Gaspar Noé’s Enter the Void and Laura Wade’s The Riot Club. He was always out, but his lyricism at the time was more cloaked than it is these days, his hair a demure brown and his body wrapped in unassuming boy-next-door T-shirts. Three years later, you’d scarcely recognise him touring second album Palo Santo. His hair now a fiery red inspired by Rihanna – whom he recently met on The Graham Norton Show – Alexander bounces out on stages in glittery bodysuits and high-fashion ensembles while singing about BDSM and breaking up with boyfriends.

“There were a lot of people who were uncomfortable with how overtly sexual this album was,” says Alexander. “When we did our show for the first time we had a few comments that it wasn’t family friendly. I reject that completely.”

Though their recent single “If You’re Over Me” climbed to number six, Years & Years’ second, more unambiguously gay record hasn’t quite matched the chart-topping success of Communion, where the lyrics and visuals were more neutral. Christine and the Queens, too, has experienced a drop-off in mainstream chart success with her second album, itself more gender non-conforming in its aesthetic. Given what Alexander says about the music industry, is it possible that the wider public is still less comfortable with explicit queerness than we’d like to believe, for all the recent renaissance of the LGBT+ pop scene?

“The music industry has changed so much,” he argues, “and audiences have changed the way they listen to music, so across the board many artists haven’t been able to replicate the success they had a few years ago. Pop music is very trend-driven as well, and it’s very focused on hip hop now – look at Drake in the US. So, ‘pop pop’ music is definitely on the wane.”

“Pop pop music” is undoubtedly what Years & Years represent. Their synth-heavy, swooping sound feels like it belongs in a queer cathedral, like layered gay organ music, their lyrics riffing off this religious association in songs such as “Worship” and “Sanctify”. If there’s a church Alexander is genuflecting at it’s that of Britney Spears, and Nineties pop-R&B courses, quite clearly, through his blood.

The nervous, handwringing ebullience Alexander exudes when talking about Britney or Rihanna never fully leaves him. He’s restless and fastidiously polite, saying “aw, thank you” to any remotely positive comment and constantly apologising for himself (“Oh no, I’ve explained that so badly,” he often says). A lot of discussion around him is excitable and feverish, too, given what he represents for so many young gay people.

Just as Alexander has elevated the queerness in his work, so too he’s become a leading spokesperson for the wider LGBTQ+ community. He has used his TV appearances to protest homophobic laws in Poland, and patiently guided just about every interviewer and presenter in the global media through gay politics and identity. He also presented a BBC documentary on gay mental health, after a good deal of dark firsthand experience.

He says he still needs to be “militant” about his own daily routines to keep himself together. “I know it sounds so obvious, but I didn’t eat three meals a day for a very long period of my life so I have to make sure I do it now,” he says with a laugh. He’s mostly happy these days, though still struggles from time to time: “I had two weeks earlier this month where I just felt really low and it really freaked me out, actually. Whenever I start to feel a bit low, I think I overreact because I’m scared I’m going to retreat into this hellish black hole I used to be in as a teenager.”

We needn’t worry, though – he has routines in place now to keep him balanced: “I sing in the mornings and count my blessings like Cinderella!” Though Alexander projects this kind of warm, smiley enthusiasm, my main impression of him is one of measured realism. He coolly and carefully unpicks the state of queerness, queer pop, and his place in it all.

“I think the reason I’ve been so committed to advocacy is because I see so many people in pain,” he says. “We’re seeing a lot of infiltration of mainstream spaces which is super exciting and positive but... I don’t know if I’d call it a tipping point.

“I just don’t know if the perception of that ‘successful’ queer pop narrative is reflected in the realities of people’s lives,” he continues. “A lot of the fans who message me are really suffering. I really do worry there isn’t enough being done to help – enough provision in place.”

In the rush to celebrate the sense of joy and freedom that’s come along with figures such as Alexander, Troye Sivan and Sam Smith, we perhaps overlook how much work is still left to be done. This burden never seems to be far from Alexander’s mind: even as he works to project his own queerness, he worries about who he’s talking over. “There’s a glaring similarity between us,” he says of fellow stars Sivan and Smith. “It would be outrageous to say we haven’t benefited from whiteness. I always go around in my head like, ‘Am I just continuing to enable that system, am I just creating more problematic shit by taking up space as a gay man?’”

“It’s upsetting to see how poor the representation of such a diverse community is,” he continues. “It’s still the same people being asked to speak on things. Sometimes I’m like, ‘Can’t we have someone else’? But then at the same time, I’m like, ‘Well, if they’re asking me to speak I’d better say something!’”

Alexander isn’t content to just throw his hands up in the air, though. It seems he’s found a way to kill two birds with one stone; to make more provision for young gay people, and hand some of his speaking time over to those who are less represented. His next big project is his plan to create a queer festival called Rendez-Vous.

“It came from wanting to create an inspirational network for queer people,” he says. Their shows in London will be a trial run of sorts, a precursor to something bigger in the future. Trans icon Munroe Bergdorf will compere, there will be sexual health information stands and gender neutral bathrooms. “Hopefully it will eventually become a festival,” he says. “It’s basically about giving the stage over to amazing talent. I haven’t really experienced that anywhere yet.”

The London show will feature fast-rising pansexual popstar Rina Sawayama, and he reels off a list of acts he wants to see there in the future. Primarily, he wants to empower marginalised voices and share his platform, to leverage some of his accumulated influence on to those less heard. “We have a unique opportunity to introduce Years & Years audiences, who aren’t all queer, to some acts they wouldn’t come across in their usual Spotify playlists. And I want there to be queer thinkers giving speeches, and a place where you can get tested, have it be community focused. Giving back to the community is something that I care about,” he concludes. “Oh god, I’ve explained it really badly,“ he apologises yet again, though he hasn’t at all.

As LGBT and female acts tend to be sidelined in mainstream festivals, and straight men still dominate the industry, this is an exciting and novel prospect. You can’t be pushed out if you own the space, right?

In the meantime, Alexander’s off to make sure he gets some food before his show tonight, when he’ll get a different kind of nourishment. “You know when you’re playing a video game and Mario needs to eat mushrooms to get big and stay alive? Playing shows to queer people, it kind of feels like that,” he says. “It restores my energy.”

Years & Years are currently touring the UK

#olly alexander #years & years #yearsandyears #articles #interviews #the independent #palo santo #lgbtq

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pup-play245 · 5 years

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Some people can identify a defining moment in their childhood - an incident that brings an idea to mind which is then indelibly fixed in the psyche. For Gelding - an adopted alias for the American internet guru to all wanna-be eunuchs - that moment came when he was 12 years old and thrown against an older boy in a packed bus. "Do that again and I'll crush 'em," said the older boy, grabbing his genitals. The pain was as piercing as the pleasure. And so began a lifetime's quest to be castrated.

In the UK, self-motivated castration mainly exists only in the most extreme S&M scene, while in America those aspiring to be castrated comprise a burgeoning and divergent tribe made up of both gay and straight men. Men who want to be castrated fit no stereotype, have no common neuroses or childhood experience. Some are androgynous types (thin and underdeveloped) who want to remain in a prepubescent, asexual phase, others are eroto-phobes who don't like to feel driven by their libidos and want to become surgically tranquillised. Some want to be feminised, a few - known as nullos or smoothies - want to become nullified by having their penis removed along with their testicles.

In Gelding's experience a quarter of those who get castrated continue to regulate their libidos with testosterone, which allows them to have full sex. But what compulsion drives grown men to be castrated in the first place? According to Gelding, for most men the desire to be castrated stems from puberty but does not develop into a fixation for at least 10 years.

This was certainly his experience. Now in his early 50s, he has been without his testicles for six years and is keen to point out that he has no desire to be feminised. Growing up in rural New York State, he knew he was gay from childhood, but it was only in his mid-20s, while working for the military in a top security position, that he discovered the gay S&M scene and a world where castration was honoured rather than abhorred.

One of his first boyfriends was a cutter - a man who worked in the netherworld of the gay S&M scene, cutting off men's testicles, consensually and safely. By 1991 Gelding's testicles had become an unbearable affront to him. The idea of cutting aroused him sexually, but more than that, there was an aching need to be rid of something that had begun to take a stranglehold of his life.

At first he tried to cut off the offending items himself by using rubber bands as a tourniquet and drenching his balls in ice water. But after an hour he ran out of adrenaline and went into clinical shock. In hospital a horrified A&E surgeon castigated him for trying to remove healthy tissue. Three years later he went to a cutter in California and got rid of them safely and efficiently. "I've never felt more myself, more complete or happy," he says, unemotionally.

In order to receive the testosterone that he requires to keep him functioning as a man (he has occasional erectile problems but can still ejaculate) he has devised a cover story which makes him eligible for medical treatment. The story is posted up on the web and tells how he lost his balls against his will in a gay S&M episode which went horribly wrong. "My cover story also means that if someone finds out I'm castrated they view me as a victim, or a brave stalwart rather than a deviant or psychotic person," he explains. As well as resurrecting the libido, testosterone prevents osteoporosis and reduces the flab that castration causes to the hips and breasts. (On the down side, it also increases the risk of prostate cancer.)

A self-confessed mother hen, Gelding has for four years been dispensing advice on his website to men who want, or think they want, to be castrated. In that time he's had 5,000 enquiries from both gay and straight men, all believing that their obsession is unique. Consultant psychiatrist Dr Russell Reid, of Hillingdon Hospital in west London, identifies castration fixation as "highly disturbed behaviour, in mainly gay men, whose self-hatred is directed towards their genitals".

Gelding's response to this interpretation is equivocal. "Yes, it's true that no normal person would do that, but then given that homosexuality has always been called a sickness, what's normal?" Reid's experience of this tender topic is predominantly with transsexuals (some of whom even castrate themselves) as well as with men who are hypersexed. "These men are led by their erect penises and some are driven to offend. Being castrated can be a huge release because they become pre-pubital, and sex is no longer an overwhelming preoccupation."

He finds the origins of the fixation perplexing but speculates that it might be a case of the fear of castration turned on its head to become a uncontrollable craving.

But eunuchs are nothing new. For 4,000 years they have represented some of the most marginalised and most honoured in society. In ancient India, eunuchs advised princes and guarded their harems, and the Biblical Daniel was a eunuch who rose to become prime minister of Babylon and later Persia. More recently there have been the Italian castrati of the 19th century - boys who sacrificed their manhood for the sake of singing careers in the opera houses of Europe. Today there are the cross-dressing Hijras in India and religious extremists such as members of the Russian Skoptsy sect who see the testicles as an organ of weakness. The medical profession understands this "syndrome" only in relation to transgender reassignment surgery or as part of body dysmorphia (a syndrome in which people become fixated with having a limb amputated). But Gelding disregards the connection with the body modification scene, believing the desire to be castrated is far more complex.

Nor can he relate to the transgendered, "some of whom get castrated just to get on to a gender reassignment programme". He is also reluctant to help those whose desire to be castrated hinges on the ritual of cutting: "Because if that's the overriding issue then most of these people are into fantasy and role play and don't have a true fixation." When castration is a true fixation, Gelding believes it is vital that surgeons treat the problem in a much more educated fashion. "There isn't a doctor in the world informed in this area, because nothing will justify to a physician the removal of healthy tissue."

There are several doctors in the US who will surgically remove testicles, but seldom before getting their patients to sign a consent form saying it is for gender reassignment. Dr Felix Spector, who advertises castration on his business card, has become something of a celebrity in the murky world of eunochdom, having performed his first castration in 1957. But the vast majority are amateur cutters, subject to prosecution for practising medicine without a licence, and desperately sought after on the net by men in urgent need.

Although these cutters offer a necessary service (reducing the instance of self-castration), for the most part they too find the act of cutting erotic. Talking about doing a DIY castration, one cutter described the "lovely crunching sound" a Burdizzo (a castration device) makes "like biting into fresh celery". Burdizzos, elastators and other animal castration devices can all be purchased on the net. The internet has become a sanctuary to these would-be eunuchs. There are numerous websites providing information, and chat lines link men from all over the world who share this compulsion.

When Gelding was delivering himself into the hands of the cutter there were no such support services and perhaps that's why it wasn't until he was in his 40s that he finally did what he had always wanted to do. Since then, he says, he has found some kind of inner peace, but at a price. He would have preferred to have been one of those who rationalised their way out of it, something he encourages all his correspondents to do. He considers those who manage it to be the lucky ones.

The others must join him among one of the most disenfranchised of groups. Men who are ridiculed, despised and misunderstood by a society which will never be able to make any sense of why they feel incomplete with their testicles and yet complete without them.

Hidden Love: Modern Day Eunuchs is on Channel 4 next Tuesday at 10pm

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Readers’ support powers The Guardian, giving our reporting impact and safeguarding our essential editorial independence. This means the responsibility of protecting independent journalism is shared, enabling us all to feel empowered to bring about real change in the world. Your support gives Guardian journalists the time, space and freedom to report with tenacity and rigor, to shed light where others won’t. It emboldens us to challenge authority and question the status quo. And by keeping all of our journalism free and open to all, we can foster inclusivity, diversity, make space for debate, inspire conversation – so more people, across the world, have access to accurate information with integrity at its heart. Every contribution we receive from readers like you, big or small, enables us to keep working as we do.

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bluerosesburnblue · 6 years

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Liz Liveblogs Bravely Second: Chapter 5, Part 1/2

The final stretch is here. Welcome to Chapter 5: This is Our Coup de Gravy!

I’m splitting Chapter 5 into two parts due to length. This part features an amazing climax boss, and is then followed up by the Sidequest Roundup, which ended up longer than I expected! We’ll resume with the plot next go around. I understand if anyone wants to skip this one, since it is mostly sidequests, but at least read the beginning because reveals abound and the plot starts to really kick into gear. No more messing around this time!

No introduction is needed. It’s time to end this before it begins. Let’s make sure the Kaiser rests in oblivion

“I deny you all” you know, Oblivion. Buddy. Synonyms exist. Try them sometime

Between the start of the scene and actually attempting the fight I started drinking some hard cider. So if the team members are siblings, I’m the tipsy extradimensional aunt at the reunion. Let’s punch Kaiser’s blond chinstrap beard in

Aw, damn. They switched Magnolia’s and Edea’s positions in my party. Muscle memory is gonna smack me down in this fight

Edea took out about half of Kaiser’s health in one full BP volley. Not so tough now, huh? Really should be buffing your defense, instead of the attack power of everyone on the field

Oh no. The magical domino mask that everyone seems to think hides your identity but really, REALLY doesn’t fell off

Kaiser is Yew’s missing big brother. I’ll... get into why that doesn’t surprise me in a minute

...that’s not the pronunciation I expected. Denys Geneolgia. I read the name as “Dennis.” Yew just pronounced it “Denny.” It’s... uhh... I can see why he went with “Oblivion,” even if it does make him sound like an edgy 13-year-old trying too hard

So. Yeah. One of the few things I was spoiled on was that Kaiser’s real name was “Denys Geneolgia,” and after Yōko’s prank with the Danzaburō illusion and the zoom-in on Kaiser’s prosthetic hand... I kinda figured he had to be Yew’s brother. I’m sure there was probably some foreshadowing that I missed, but I feel like I caught a fair amount of it

Fuck, I can’t believe Yew’s brother is the restaurant chain Denny’s

I can’t believe Denny just got arrested before he could give us exposition. That’s totally unexpected for a JRPG. Wow.

GOOD NEWS THOUGH. Tiz and Agnès are finally in the same room as each other. I... perhaps should not have made him a ghost knight for this reunion, but she’s seen him wear worse. It’s fine

AAAAAAHHHHHH that hug was so cute. “...You came for me!” HE SURE DID. ACROSS TIME. All for you, Agnès! Tiz will never let you down!

And from her perspective, Tiz is still in a coma. It’s like he came back to life miraculously just because she needed him

AND EDEA’S MADE IT A GROUP HUG. AHHHHHH. WHERE’S RINGABEL GET HIM IN HERE FOR THIS

Nevermind, Magnolia and Yew are joining in and that’s cuter. But still. We’re missing our sixth teammate, Ringabel~

Time to give Alternis, Braev, and Agnès the low down on the end layer, and how we sent player with the Bravely Second

Agnès can actually remember parts of it because she’s also synced up to the hourglass, but since she didn’t travel through time with the party, it’s more of a dreamlike recollection

One last job. Kaiser’s in jail, but his soldiers aren’t. We need to take them down and extract or destroy the Ba’al locked in Skyhold. But this time, we complete the ceremony and join the Orthodoxy and Duchy. Two forces once at war with each other, now at each other’s backs to save the world

Ag... Agnès maybe don’t base your speech on events that now no longer happen because I changed the past?

Apparently there was quite a bit of time looping for her. She was whisked away to the edge of time “over and over” again? Was that the result of being in a timeless space, or is she referring to various new games on the cartridge, of which there are none because I only have the one (now two due to New Game+), so...

This speech almost doesn’t work because they don’t make the player go through several meaningless loops this time, so even from a meta perspective, she was only kidnapped once. So unless Agnès has lived through save files I never made, I don’t know what she’s going on about

Didn’t take the Empire long to bust Denny out of prison

Altair didn’t even help with Anne’s bestiary entry! Why couldn’t it have been written without him?!

...glad the chest key for blue chests was just sitting out on the floor of the church there

Yeah, of course it was Janne and Nikolai who broke him out. We can’t have pancake night without Denny’s!

“Does the name Jerome Balestra mean anything to you!?” Janne... Janne you fucking idiot. Mook #4 didn’t kill your dad. None of these guys know what you’re talking about. But no, kill them. Fine. You useless brat

I DON’T THINK THESE GUYS, SPECIFICALLY, KILLED YOUR DAD, JANNE! They all look the same! How can you tell?!?!?!?

You. Are. SUCH a child. Get over yourself

Nikolai should not be that acrobatic

Oh good. Bella and Cú are back. Hey, Bella, is it awkward that Yew’s rocking your getup right now? It is, right?

Denys, why are you enabling the use of “coup de gravy”? No self respecting older sibling would let him get away without some serious teasing for something so cringey. I’m an oldest sibling. I’m speaking from experience here

After Bella’s speech, I can’t tell if the Empire is just Denys accidentally adopting people who need help, or a cult

Bella mentions crimes against “her sister.” She’s a “Dark Vestal” with black hair and seems to give prophecies of doom. Is Sylvie her sister? Did Bella do something to make her mute? Sylvie was one of the big mysteries from last “arc” that never got answered, so I’m hoping for payoff here in some fashion

Not even a moment to breathe (or save). Time to battle Bella and Cú once more!

Okay, so Bella’s sister was killed on the night Eternia was founded, by the “witch” who began the Plague, mentioned in the last game. Seems that may have been started by the Crystalguard

She tried to revive her sister, much as Geist tried to revive his son. But all she made were monsters. And Cú, whose resurrection she messed up. But none of them were Donna. (So, not Sylvie. Should’ve just given her a minute to monologue). She named her doll after her sister

Cú wasn’t even technically resurrected. He’s just a statue that she managed to animate

My Spirit Magic is so much stronger than Bella’s at this point it’s comical

Cú. You’re using up Edea’s special. Hurry this monologue up

Dammit Cú. I had Critical up by 300%. Thanks for wasting that

We spared them. Of course we did! This is the Best Timeline™, guys! No one dies, no one gets to economically ruin a nation!

Yew’s determined to show Denys’s people that the word can change so long as people are willing to work for it. Stop living in the past and wishing you could undo mistakes. Time to start working for a better future. And I can’t think of anyone better to show them than Agnès

“We can’t risk her Holiness...!” Othar, Agnès killed Ouroboros, the Devourer of Worlds. I think she can handle Sad Bella and her horse man without her useless bodyguards

I like Cú. He’s a man... horse of honor

And Agnès let Bella keep Donna, her doll. So sweet

Oh just let me save the game already!

We called in Braev, Alternis, Norzen, Kamiizumi, Goodman, and Lotus to hear our story. Lotus... has no idea who we are, unless we either called him from Sagitta and told him offscreen, or he somehow also had his memories hooked up to the Second

At least Norzen won’t arbitrarily attempt to kill us this timeline

Eisen and Eternia are teaming up to make sure Agnès can’t be kidnapped to use to awaken the Crystals

Magnolia’s got a plan to take the Skyhold. “Lord Arima and Sakura remember you well. Together, we’ve been preparing for this day.” Is this Kingdom Hearts logic, where all memories are connected, so as long as we remember the last timeline, so does everyone we befriended? Who, exactly, was memory synced to the hourglass?

...is it me? It uses the player’s SP, so as long as I remember the events of the story, so do they? Lucky for you guys I’ve been doing a liveblog, huh?

...that’s actually gonna suck if the sidequests remember Bad Timeline events, because now it’s a betrayal

Agnès has given everyone pendant pieces, so we’ve got a group call with the team now

“Take back the compass”? I don’t believe they’ve stolen it yet, Magnolia

Thank GOD. I can finally save and take a break

Denny’s got the team together to recoup after having his little brother time travel just to punch his face in. Understandable

He does genuinely seem to care about his underlings, so I’m pretty sure “savior of the lost” is the kind of person we’re dealing with here

“They went down fighting for the cause.” Janne, stop. They’re not dead. Best Timeline™

So Denys, Nikolai, and Janne all remember the past timeline, too. Who... who does and does not remember? Someone needs to get me a comprehensive list. Alternis may or may not get super pissed that I intend to “betray” the orphans this go around if he remembers

I like the fact that the villains in this game are as perceptive as they are. “If we remember, then I’m sure they do, too. No element of surprise with our plans, so we need a change of course”

“My friend...” Denys is the same as Yew. He adopts people. The empire is to him what the party has become to his brother: a second family to make up for the one they botched

They’re sending Geist to claim the compass instead of Minette this time. If the catsassin ain’t a secret, may as well go with our strongest operatives

New Game+ means both New Enemies+ and all sidequests from past chapters are open, so let’s go clear out some Catmancy skills, then fix the mess I made of the last timeline and see if I like the quests any better when I like the ending. We’re leaving the Bestiary until I get the Yōkai job’s Obliterate skill to make it easier on me

I’m gonna take the quests in order of appearance, so first up is Jackal vs. deRosa, where we side with Jackal instead of letting deRosa maybe accidentally start a Cold War for the sake of making some kid happy about his thesis project

Okay, they did exactly what I was hoping they would when I realized that everyone retained their memories. Event scenes are heavily abridged, but it seems like only the party remembers everything. So they go “hey, is this what’s happening? Okay, we can help let us fix this.” instead of having the situation explained. That’ll make it easy to collect the rest of the jobs

deRosa may remember. He knew everyone’s noodle orders, but doesn’t seem like he remembers anything about the Wellspring Gem. So... I dunno

Also, WHY DID YOU TELL HIM. You know it just causes a fight with Jackal!

“For every five years our research is delayed, the world suffers a decade of sorrow...” Okay, kid. Stop being dramatic. Your thesis project is not some high-end deal and not worth destroying at least one, maybe several towns over. He isn’t even a high ranking Al-Khampis student. Sorry, dumbass, I’m not letting you make a fantasy nuke

At least he’s got his heart in the right place. He’s gonna find a solution that doesn’t need the Gem, so that everyone benefits and they don’t have to destroy a city to do it. G... good job? You should’ve considered that from the start

Hey, I’ve got an idea. Let’s find Gho Gettar and slyly whisper to him that there MAY be an owl-man hanging out in the Northeast of Eternia that MAY have what he’s looking for ;)

Weird that the Gho sidequest starts up with meeting him and Mephilia in the woods to deliver Kamiizumi’s letter when the event we got the letter from didn’t happen in this timeline. Maybe he handed it off to us during the big peace talks in Gathelatio?

I’ve been listening to Critical Role too much, because when I heard the voiceover for Kamiizumi’s letter, I couldn’t picture the character, just Liam O’Brien’s goofy smile

Follow your dreams, Gho. I promise, Amaterasu is just a (very long) boat ride away

Kamiizumi thinks we’re being naive, because being a low-ranking worker isn’t anything shameful, and we’re encouraging Gho to be a quitter. And I agree, yeah, there’s nothing wrong with being a labor worker. BUT! It’s also not for everyone. Some people are AMAZING at those kinds of jobs, and some people shine in other areas. I don’t see Gho shining as a factory worker. I just see it crushing his spirit. And his sense of dedication is not an issue, because he is putting in just as much effort into summoning Amaterasu as he did working in that factory, but the summoning work makes him happier. He’s no less a hard worker for focusing his efforts on a strenuous process that makes him happy than one he doesn’t care about

“You counsel a guileless youth, still ignorant of the world, to throw up his hands at the first hint of hardship.” But we aren’t, though. You think there are no hardships on the path to his dream? That it won’t be difficult? No, we just refocused his efforts on something he cares about. He’ll struggle through just as many hardships, but with this he’ll want to go through them, want to make it through because they’ll be for something he’s passionate about. He’ll actually have the motivation to get through those hardships, and he’ll be more pleased with the results. Sorry, Kamiizumi. Just because it’s not for a job you particularly find tasteful doesn’t mean he’s not working just as hard. Maybe even harder, since he’ll be more excited to do it

The Kamiizumi fight is much easier once you remember that your Hawkeye has the Condor ability that can pierce default

And this is what I’m talking about. Gho is getting frustrated that he still can’t summon Amaterasu, he’s putting in so much effort, but now it’s for something he’s passionate about. It might not be as fast as he accomplished something of note as he did in the vs. Mephilia ending, but he’s accomplishing just as much, and I’m proud of him. Sometimes it takes just a little longer to do something truly great, as opposed to just something good

Oh, wow, I forgot about Sage Yulyana. Not his existence, but the fact that he hasn’t been relevant to this game. We still haven’t been to the Yulyana region

According to Mephilia he fought a Ba’al about a year ago, told her about Amaterasu and one other summon (Susano-o, the one she was searching for last game, or Charybdis, the other new one from this game?) and then either left this world to hunt down the Ba’al... or just died. Honestly, either would be pretty in-keeping with the good old sage. Just as well we probably won’t be seeing him, though; I only ever used Conjurer for Obliterate

Yeah, I’m happier having Gho follow his dreams than slave away at a job he hates, even if he managed to make that job more efficient. I’ve got faith he can do just as much, if not more good like this

Well, on to the next... oh. Oh god no not Holly vs. Profiteur again oh good lord come on, let’s try to stop this economic disaster before a child gets lost in the freaking mines again

Huh. This timeline they’re all just... talking it over like mature, responsible adults. And while Profiteur is going to make sure his economic argument is sound, Holly is... going to gorge herself in Heartschild. Great. Just go to Barras in Florem and leave the rest of us alone, you loon

And even the girl is more sympathetic. She still wants to stay, but she’s scared of her granddad having to go out and fish on the open water every day if they do stay there. And, kid, I got wrecked by a Monoceros out there and this party is TRAINED to fight, that is a very good fear to have

Oh thank GOD it’s not making me chase Profiteur down again

Greater good! GREATER. GOOD!

Oh, cool, Holly’s fucking drunk. Really making a good argument for yourself there, hon

Profiteur’s plans will “only help the few?” How so? Seems to me a flourishing economy benefits EVERYONE. Besides, I’d rather side with someone taking the situation seriously than one drunk madwoman

I’m almost happy that they made Holly so unsympathetic this go-around

But... now the kid’s back to being a brat. She’s throwing a tantrum because she doesn’t want the house sold. Too fucking bad? How many kids do you think would end up homeless if they didn’t sell? I don’t think an eight-year-old should be making the financial decisions in this family. They’re not good big-picture thinkers

Also, no need to be so hostile to Profiteur, Edea! Holly’s feelings aren’t the benchmark of morality, either!

I still have so many problems with the way this quest is written, as though the conflict is modest-but-happy lifestyle vs. lavish-but-empty lifestyle, when it’s really a needs of the many vs. needs of the few scenario. As though someone being sad is a decent argument for a large decision like this. As though kids are good at making rational decisions. Sometimes families move, sometimes things change, and it’s hard and sad and difficult to adapt to, but you need to. And this opens up so many possibilities for her that she can’t even see yet. Better schooling, a better home, good jobs, heck, she’ll be able to spend even more time with her grandpa if he doesn’t have to work all the time to get her food!

The one thing this quest has going for it is that I totally buy Profiteur’s redemption from the last game. He’s still a moneygrubber, but he’s a moneygrubber who’s genuinely looking to open up some honest jobs and help a country out

“You can trust in Erutus Profiteur! If you think I am taking too long [making this country a better place], you may come to blast me away at anytime!” God speed, good sir. He sounds so excited to make this work, and I’m glad to make it happen

Sidequest still wan’t great, but much more bearable than the first time. A kid didn’t even have to almost die this time around!

Well, now it’s time to go get stuck in Grapp Keep. If we were smart, we’d tell everyone to get out before the place collapsed, but then we wouldn’t have a conflict? Oh well. Let’s go kick Ominas and his baby dragon’s asses

I don’t foresee that fight being a problem, since I have Magnolia as an Astrologian with Elemental Barrier

...at least Edea tried to avoid slamming into that guy this time

The saga of Magnolia’s cooking continues. Seems she’s gotten to be a much better chef

Oh god it just hit me. The Edea punching the wall scene happened again. We caused the damn cave-in

And they tried to warn them of the cave-in, but we still got trapped. But of course

And Artemia and Ominas definitely don’t remember the last timeline. This time, though, we’ve told Risotto’s father to form a rescue party in advance. No worry about a search party not showing up. Now we have even less reason to side with Ominas! Food for everyone! Femto Flare later, when not under threat of hunger

Ominas, dude, just learn Femto Flare when we get out of here. World isn’t screwed because a tiny dragon didn’t learn it this second. Besides, the way this is going, it ain’t gonna matter much this timeline, anyway

Man, that is such a nothing quest. No real stakes, no real emotional involvement. Nothing. Cool. Moving on

...why does the Bestiary make it sound like Bahamut is dead when the actual epilogue says he’s fine?

Kikyo vs. Heinkel was enjoyable. Let’s hope it is again, yeah?

I like the premise of “oh we already know who did it, let’s set up a trap to catch the culprit”

And they aren’t even pretending it wasn’t Whitson. Hell, Edea’s blatantly guilting him, without actually saying his name

Let’s get Sholmes in on the police force. He needs to learn a little temperance. His big problem is jumping the gun with his intuitive responses. Putting him in a position that encourages him to think more logically and put together better evidence for his reasoning can only benefit him. Intuition is best used when you understand why you’re having that gut reaction in the first place, and it’s not the only thing that makes a good investigator

Kikyo’s still an annoying fight what with her constant evading and Transience skill, but Ninja was one of my top classes last game so it’s good to have it back

Yes, yes, we know what the truth of this incident was. I don’t need to hear it again, game

And you know, I’m liking this new, mature Sholmes. Good. I’m glad he’s finally wising up

Still a decent quest, I just almost wish the stakes were higher. ...then again, this game has proven that higher stakes in these quests tends to lead to higher stupidity from Edea, so maybe it’s for the best this stays low-scale

Who feels like opening up the first co-ed school in Florem. I do! Equality of the sexes!

Straight to the fight! This one was pretty straightforward

A co-ed school with optional enrollment is moving too fast? Really Einheria? Shut the fuck up. Both of your sisters are smarter than you right now, and one’s a psycho summoner and the other grew up in the woods

I just Summoned a Friend. He named his attack “Shot thru the <3″ and had Yew’s finishing line be “You’re to blame.” What a freaking legend

Oh no Rhea’s crying. What a shame

Einheria can’t even remember her name while proclaiming her loyalty to her. God, how could you forget a name like Rhea Veeling

And Swetti’s crush is still a thing. Great

Barras has licenses to teach various forms of martial arts and 22 fields of medicine? Dude, hey, go down to Eisen, find your drunk girlfriend, and go settle down yeah? Keep her out of trouble because you’re clearly the responsible one in this relationship

Eugh. Rhea’s Bestiary entry says she only joined the Bloodrose Legion after they ruined Florem, and her whole “making up for the sins of the past” shtick was an act to get the teaching job. Wow. Fuck her, glad this is Best Timeline ending

“Regardless, she is probably the most rational of the three Venus sister...” Not in this scenario, Tiz. Not at all

Back to Florem to respect the wishes of a deceased artist. Arca Pellar’s song will see the light of day. And then eventually Praline can remix it, but I don’t think she’s gonna have the patience to, honestly

So Pellar... remembers the last timeline? But Praline and Barbarossa don’t? What... why??? What are the rules for cross-timeline memory!?

At least it doesn’t seem like we have to trek through the Witherwood again. Good

And our plan is scream our answer into a microphone so that Praline and Barbarossa hear it and the loser challenges us to a fight. We’re just provoking the boss at this point! Why???

*mic voice* FUCK PRALINE. SHE AIN’T SHIT

I still can’t hear her over her background music

“Why not recreate that song as something people today will be able to enjoy?” Why not make your own freaking song!? There’s market for both genres! It’s not like the freaking Beatles are any less popular because their stuff’s old, you know?

Praline I am far too cynical to fall for false tears. I didn’t even cave to a child’s real tears. You think that’s gonna stop me?

Oh lord her awful song’s the boss music. You know, I like Jpop every once in a while. It’s a decent genre! This... this is not a good song

See? Barbarossa just handed Praline a commission to do a song for them. It... was for Arca’s song, though, invalidating everything I’ve done. At least this time the sailors are working with her to keep true to the original spirit of the song

Well, that totally invalidated my entire choice, but at least everyone’s happy?

The Bestiary has a few interesting tidbits. Rabbits are sacred on the moon (because this game was made in Japan, of course they are), Praline has been lying about being 17 for a long freaking time, and Nikolai was apparently a fan. I... Nikolai, buddy, really? Never would’ve thought

Time for one last diversion: solving the economic crisis of Grandship. Alternis may have his heart in the right place, but his clouded judgement will wreck Grandship in the long run. Let make the Best Timeline one worth living in, where everyone’s happy

It just occurred to me that there’s over 30 Jobs. That’s nuts

Just heading straight to the council meeting, huh? Just as well, we already know who we’re here to support. Though I wouldn’t have objected to hanging out with Datz, Zatz, Alternis, and the Proprietress for lunch again

(Also, side note: The salted caramel tea I’m drinking right now is ~amaaaaaazing~. I’m not even really a salted caramel person. Bigelow teas are a gift to this earth. Alternis is gonna get a beating while I sip tea dramatically)

Shoot. The elevator’s still locked. Guess I’m dungeon running with encounters off again. Teeeeediuuuuum~

(I get the point is probably new encounters but: I don’t have Obliterate yet and I’m still overleveled. So!)

We aren’t abandoning the orphans, you overdramatic dork!

Wow. That might be the first boss I’ve lost to.

Alternis, you’re proposing now!? In the middle of combat over the economic security of orphans!? Learn some tact, doofus!

Minus Strike is complete bullshit when Alternis has 100x the max health we do. That’s just an instant kill

And Khamer seems really devoted to helping the poor despite all this. “Maybe we can have our cake and eat it, too.” Yeah, I like it!

Oh, sure, cut to starving orphans to make me feel bad

Oh, I love the Proprietress. Now that people have money to spend, they’re spending it on helping the poor! And the kids are being offered an apprenticeship and schooling! Exactly how it should be. I was worried they were gonna vilify my choice for a second there

I forgot Edea was only 18. These kids really are all younger than me

Ah, that’s cute. Magnolia wonders how terrifying Alternis’s face must be in the Bestiary and Edea can only reply with “...” Yeah, mmmhmm. Good response to the pretty-boy pompadour guy

Thank God those are over. I love this game, but that was basically an hours-long boss rush. Most of those were a bit more tolerable than the Bad Timeline runs, but I still don’t think they were written well. The flaw is in the fundamental conflict setup... but I think I’ve talked enough about my problems with them in previous entries, so let’s make like a New Timeline and cut the chit chat because we already know what’s up

I’ve finally escaped Morality Sidequest Hell. Now, there’s at least two more sidequests in the game, but I have high hopes for them. Mostly because they won’t be confined to the Choice structure that all of the others have been stuck in which means: 1. no moralizing (probably) and 2. development for party members other than Edea, because the Tiz, Yew, and Magnolia might as well have not been there at all for all they contributed to these quests

Wow, that ended up being way longer than expected. I was hoping to get right into the story this liveblog, but I guess that’s not gonna happen. Well, check back next time when I go race Geist to the spacetime compass. He... unfortunately has a good headstart considering I just did eight sidequests, but now the whole party’s level 60 and ready to go! He doesn’t stand a... geist of a chance

#bravely default #bravely second #liz liveblogs bravely second #woooooooo that was a long string of fights #but with that out of the way part 2 should be a breeze #i want to beat this game this month #so let's shoot for a halloween finale

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ferricide · 6 years

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Review: Final Fantasy XIII

[originally posted: April 11, 2010] I haven't written a review in a long time. The last review I wrote, in fact, was of Devil May Cry 4, for the Official Xbox Magazine, in 2007. I didn't much like Devil May Cry 4, really. In the way of game journalists of my generation, I gave the game a 7.5 and an even-handed review, because there are things that it did do well. All the same, I was never asked to write another review for the magazine; much later, a staffer told me that someone from management had asked them to stop publishing my work. "Fine! Fuck you, too!" I thought, and then felt a burden lift. I had been reviewing games professionally since 1999 and was tired of it. I have long hinted that I would some day write an expose about what's really wrong with game reviewing, since nobody seems to quite get it right. But by the time I felt ready to do that, I was so bored with the whole business that I couldn't make myself want to. To my surprise, I instead find myself compelled to write a review once again. The game which I will endeavor to review, in a way that I'll make up as I go along, is the most complicated game of 2010: Final Fantasy XIII. * * * Final Fantasy XIII was announced for the PlayStation 3 in 2006, at Square Enix's E3 press conference. As a long time fan of the series who was confounded by its direction at that time -- the gully between Final Fantasy XI and Final Fantasy XII -- I was eager for both a return to form ("form" as a concept roughly equivalent to "more Final Fantasy X" in my mind) and a justification for Sony's yet-to-be-released next generation system. Well, things change. * * * One thing that will make this review dramatically different to any I have ever written is that I will be considering what I learned by reading others' reviews, talking to other players, and generally trying to synthesize the concept of why this game was made the way it was made, not just whether it's any good. To my mind reviewing games in 2010 the old fashioned way is beside the point; as a journalist I recognize my own obsolescence -- the old tools have been made irrelevant by the power of marketing and the cacophony of the internet. Plus it's boring. That's not to promise that will be a review worth reading. I'm going to try, all the same. Final Fantasy XIII was released for the PlayStation 3 on December 17, 2009 by Square Enix Co., Ltd. It was localized into English (and ported to the Xbox 360) and released on March 9, 2010 in the major Western markets by the company's international subsidiaries. This is notable because it reveals so much about the flux of development from the time this game was conceived until it was released. Final Fantasy XIII came out nearly three years too late, by my reckoning. By the time it did come out, one of the only ways it successfully aligned with the market it was released into is that publishing a major game in March isn't, anymore, all that peculiar. Final Fantasy XIII, however, is. In 2008, Square Enix delivered a talk at the Game Developers Conference in which it described the features of its Crystal Tools game engine which powers Final Fantasy XIII -- a talk which a developer friend and fan of the series emphatically described as "terrible" shortly after. Terrible not because the technology is bad; terrible because it took the company so long to step into the technological present. In 2008, Crystal Tools promised to deliver yesterday's features tomorrow. Coincidentally, Final Fantasy XIII was released into the Western market on the second day of GDC 2010. When I review games, I typically insulate myself from the opinions of others. This was a solemn requirement at the heart of reviewing games for EGM, for example. Editor-in-chief Dan Hsu, who was one of my mentors for much of my career as a reviewer, demanded three distinct opinions. That's not as easy at it sounds, and not just because editors are talkative. If you go out there with the wrong score, you're going to get a lashing from the internet; you may well have to justify yourself to the game's publisher; you may even put your job at risk. Consensus is a safe haven. This is part of why reviewing Final Fantasy XIII in April 2010 is amusing: staying isolated from opinions of this game, so polarizing and so widely discussed, is impossible. I've spent the better part of four years anticipating the game more than any other ever released. I've also spent the better part of the last four months marinating in the game and people's reactions to it. I've read, written, and spoken more words about this than any other game in years, and probably any in the foreseeable future. In fact, this may be the last time I can claim authority over any sizable chunk of the mainstream game industry. I didn't think about it that way in the past, but Japanese-developed RPGs have been, since the early 1990s, my passion. The JRPG is my favorite genre. Very, very briefly, it was also the world's: starting in 1997, with the release of Final Fantasy VII, it seemed that the games I loved would finally get their due. I used to have the mentality -- which now feels quite dated -- that I could convince people to give games a shot. I thought that if I could cut right into the heart of a game and explain exactly what made it tick and why that mattered, I could convince people, with only my words, to try something they weren't planning to. While I don't think that's impossible, I think it's an edge case; voracious consumers of games, maybe. Enthuasiasts of a genre, perhaps. Convincing someone to pick up an interesting book, CD, or go to a film is one thing; with games... it's much more difficult, it seems, and it's only getting harder thanks to everyone's shrinking reserves of money and time. One thing I realized over the years is that a large contingent of gamers who were suckered into playing Final Fantasy VII for its groundbreaking cinematics and engrossing story actually weren't that happy about it. They may have enjoyed that experience, but they began to become frustrated by and by, and other games in the genre perplexed and bored them. Many, many people didn't value what I valued in games -- and I don't just mean turn-based combat or pop existentialism. People simply didn't value stepping out of their comfort zone. I just didn't realize how true this was until my comfort zone started to shrink and become more and more irrelevant. It's now well-known that Microsoft approached Activision and Infinity Ward and asked them to deliver Call of Duty 2 for the Xbox 360's launch, because Halo 3wasn't going to be ready. While that's not the whole of it, it might just be the inflection point where things changed. By 2010, we know the story by heart: Western developers who'd never had access to an audience like this before had the console market hungrily in their sights and, driven by ambition and talent, made bold games that made what had come before look rudimentary. Meanwhile, the reliability of Japan's market and the peculiarity of the way its businesses are run had created somnambulent companies which attracted university graduates with a promise of reliable jobs rather than creative possibilities. Of course, these things are, to an extent, cyclical. It's not over yet. Things are changing. Square Enix is reputed to be a vision-driven company with strong creative minds in charge. Its president, Yoichi Wada, has complained that the staff's creative pursuits delay its titles from shipping on time. The most famous man at the company is Tetsuya Nomura, an illustrator who got famous for creating characters so memorable that it enabled him to get his thumb into the majority of the company's creative output within a decade. On the other hand, Final Fantasy XIII was the company's first real step into the next generation; it's a humongous production designed to appeal to as wide an audience as possible. For all of these reasons and more, Final Fantasy XIII is, most obviously, a bizarre compromise. In his borderline incomprehensible -- through no fault of his own -- GDC 2010 talk, the game's director Motomu Toriyama described how, over the years, the creative process for developing Final Fantasy titles changed from a collaborative to top-down structure thanks to the workflow demands put on the teams by technology. In the immediate aftermath of the development of Final Fantasy VI for the Super Famicom, the team bullshitted up some ideas for Final Fantasy VII. But when it came time to produce that game, the decision had been made to move to the PlayStation and deliver a Hollywood-style cinematic experience. Still and all, the game was put together piecemeal -- and if you remember its wild inconsistency of play, it's not a surprise to hear that now. From to snowboarding to defending Fort Condor to performing CPR to motorcycle combat to the Golden Saucer, the game provides arguably too many diversions from its core gameplay. By the time Final Fantasy X rolled around in 2001, said Toriyama, "An impact on experimentation took place. From this [game], scenario had to be fixed first, because of motion and voice [recording]. So each staff person we could not incorporate their comments or opinions, since just a small number of people were working on the story creation... It was a major change in Final Fantasy X." Throw in a platform shift for which the company was totally unprepared, a mandate for visual perfection, and a production team in the hundreds, and Final Fantasy XIII, as it is, is born. Still, I haven't even approached Final Fantasy XIII's greatest and most fundamental sin. * * * "It starts to get good after about 12 hours," I said. "Twelve hours? I can't believe you give that game such a huge by," said Lulu. "It's not a by," I responded, lamely. She turned away. Zak looked at me. "I just know that if he sticks with it..." She shook her head. "The fact that they can rely on that kind of loyalty --" "...if he sticks with it -- I'm not talking to everybody, I'm talking to Zak -- he'll enjoy it." A few moments later: "You're right. It's a by." The biggest sin of Final Fantasy XIII is that the developers assume that once that disc slips into the drive, gamers are commited to seeing the ending credits. The developers assume that everybody wants so much to play this game that they will simply plod through it all. This sin is compounded by Square Enix's obvious, terrifying mandate to make the biggest, most popular Final Fantasy game since VII, and bring gamers into the fold who've never before been interested in the series. And it is complicated by their total misjudgment of the demands of today's audiences after years of increasing sophistication in games. * * * Let's play a game. No, not Final Fantasy XIII. Let's pretend that Final Fantasy XIII came out in December 2007, a year after the launch of the PlayStation 3, much as Final Fantasy X did in 2001 relative to the PlayStation 2's launch. And since we're already enmeshed in this fantastic scenario, let's take another little leap: let's pretend that the Xbox 360 never existed. Boy, Final Fantasy XIII seems pretty fucking excellent now, doesn't it? Yeah, it may not be the best game in the series, but I can't wait to see what these guys are going to do when they really come to grips with this next generation console technology! That's the world this game was made for. There were just some complications... * * * Thanks to Call of Duty, mainstream audiences of unparalleled size are getting used to the production style pioneered by Square Soft in the early '90s. These games are so complicated and huge, somebody thought, we ought to bootstrap a few teams and get them rolling into production simultaneously, so we can have a continuous flow of product for fans. At some point, this production process broke down. By the time of Final Fantasy XII's hideous and unprecedented delay, FF production was critically wounded; it has not recovered. Motomu Toriyama showed one deeply confusing screenshot of Final Fantasy XIII for the PlayStation 2 in his GDC presentation. I've privately been told by someone who'd know that the game was unconventional in a way that the Final Fantasy XIII that was manufactured and shipped to retailers is not. Something happened during the production of the unconventional, deeply flawed Final Fantasy XII to kill experimentation at Square Enix. Something happened during the troubled birth of Crystal Tools to complicate Final Fantasy XIII's production until a group of very intelligent and experienced developers were forced to pare down the design document to what would obviously and flawlessly function. In his GDC talk, the lead game designer of Assassin's Creed II, Patrick Plourde, talked about the production of the first game. Half an hour after he joked that "the Final Fantasy guys are probably the only others who face these problems" -- putting together a 30+ hour game with a team of hundreds, that is -- he explained that a separate team designed and implemented the assassination missions in the original Assassin's Creed. These missions were stapled onto the core game and, though they formed its primary gameplay objectives, they had nothing to do with its core gameplay. Ubisoft Montreal's production processes had been designed to produce different streams of content simultaneously and bolt them together at the end -- a method that was retained but completely rethought for production of its sequel. In a strange coincidence, Motomu Toriyama was sitting next to me during this presentation. * * * Most people who had anything to say about Final Fantasy XIII shortly after its release were those who were repulsed by early design decisions the team made about the game. And while I don't think production realities excuse a shitty game, they sure do explain it. If one thing's clear, it's that production ramped up on Final Fantasy XIII before there was a clear plan on how things were going to be bolted together. As Tim Rogers points out in his review, "A producer of Final Fantasy XIII explains that there was 'enough discarded content' from Final Fantasy XIII to make a whole other game. The 'content' in question is mainly levels -- game-play areas." He draws the correct inference: the production process for this game was so deeply flawed that artists were being paid to create content that the core creative team was unsure if it would have any use for, just to make them do something. As I explained to Zak and Lulu, the really bad part of Final Fantasy XIII is not, as many have said, the first two hours, in which you have no meaningful choices in combat and cannot earn Crystogen Points and so cannot level your characters. The worst part is also not the next five hours of the game, which establishes the core of the game's narrative premise and slowly and surely delivers its gameplay systems one after the other -- the tutorial. No, the worst part is between hours 8 to 14. This is the most vapid and superfluous part of Final Fantasy XIII. This is the painful and tedious point where the game has firmly established its core gameplay, its cast of characters, and then... refuses to give over. From the second half of the Gapra Whitewood to the end of the Sunleth Waterscape, Final Fantasy XIII is a tedious mess made by people who clearly don't understand what they're supposed to be doing. Here's my quick guide into making Final Fantasy XIII not suck shit. It'll sound pretty easy when I explain it. Immediately institute gameplay. Without changing the scenario at all, allow players to experiment with special abilities and raise levels in the Crystarium -- even allow them to raise the levels of the NORA troops Gadot and Lebreau, though the player won't ever use them again (notably, in the release, Gadot and Lebreau's HP are listed as ??? instead of numbers because they're NPCs.) Nobody will resent wasting this effort; certainly no more than they did being held back from experiencing gameplay for the first two hours of the game. By the time the party assembles for the battle against the Pulse Fal'Cie in the Pulse Vestige, they should have earned a few abilities in the Crystarium. (If there's one thing this game is spookily good at, it's balancing the distribution of CP as it effects gaining abilities and fighting boss battles, so I don't doubt the team could balance this well.) You don't have to unlock much, but just enough to give the player a sense he is making decisions: enough for advanced players to know what's in store and little enough for novices to stick with it. Remember, the novice audience wants to learn how to play your game. As the party escapes to Lake Bresha, lay on the tutorials, just as you did. There's a debate to be had here about teaching the player how to play the game by presenting challenges that require him to exercise the options at his fingertips -- remember that battle in Palumpolum which forces you to play the Sentinel role? like that -- but let's just assume we're not changing things that drastically. It'll work. The Vile Peaks proceed as normal, though perhaps the roles of some of the characters have to be tweaked. But here's the crucial difference. By the end of the Vile Peaks, the entire Crystarium must be unlocked and available to players. You have to be done with your lessons approximately... now. There's time for introductions to more advanced gameplay later, but the core: we're done. Here comes a tough part. Narratively, I don't see a way around having Hope and Lightning come to their own understanding in the Whitewood as Sazh and Vanille later do in the Sunleth Waterscape and Nautlius. A mix of cutscenes, structural changes, and judicious and much-needed cutting would have to happen here to make the game tolerable and well-paced. Get players to Palumpolum as fast as you can, and once the six party members gather in Hope's apartment for the game's first real climax, you've just delivered an adventuring party that will never be split up again. If you've balked at my earlier suggestion to unlock the Crystarium fully, now's when you really have to do it. You will never again force the party formation to follow the whims of the plot; that was annoying enough in the 16-bit days in what I would consider the most irritating game in the series, Final Fantasy VI, and it's excruciating now that we know other games actually give us a credible illusion of control. After Palumpolum, Palmecia. And after Palmecia, Gran Pulse. And in Gran Pulse, which we should get to much sooner, something besides mark hunts. "Something", in fact, like the second half of the game. "The answer is staring them right in the face. Gran Pulse should have been the World of Ruin. What were they thinking?" I said this out loud. It's very likely nobody else was in the room. * * * Let's talk core gameplay mechanics. I theorized, in December, that at some point there was a meeting in Square Enix's Shinjuku headquarters where things were decided that altered the course of Final Fantasy XIII's development profoundly. I'm not wrong, of course -- there were probably dozens of such meetings. But let's visualize this for a minute. Yoshinori Kitase, Motomu Toriyama, Yuji Abe, and the rest of the team is sitting at a conference table. The light is bright and fluorescent. There's stale coffee, 330 ml bottles of French spring water, and, since this is Japan, there might even be cigarette smoke hanging in the air. Production on Final Fantasy XIII is not, to put it lightly, going as planned. Crystal Tools is nothing like done. In the back of his mind, one of the men is wishing -- for not the first time and not the last -- that Matsuno's fucking team had got Final Fantasy XII out the door in time for FF13 to hit the PlayStation 2 before its market died, and that Crystal Tools could have been sorted out before production had begun on a next-generation title. Toriyama looks at Kitase. Kitase looks at Toriyama. "What are we going to do?" somebody asks. I tried, and failed, to write this scene with drama and snappy dialogue, but let's be fair: this is a Japanese office. One of the junior planners walks around the room handing out sheafs of stapled A4 paper to everybody. This is what they're going to do. They've identified the strenghts of the series: its characters and story, courtesy of Nomura, Toriyama, Kazushige Nojima and others; its battles -- thank Toshiro Tsuchida and Yuji Abe; its beautiful environments, Isamu Kamikokuryo; and the character leveling system, the Crystarium. Everything else is expendable -- it either has to be tied into the plot, or has to serve the purpose of getting this game out the door. When I talk about Final Fantasy XIII's battle system, I get excited. People can hear the excitement in my voice, and they get interested. I have actually seen this happen in real life. That's a measure not just of how much I care about the game and the series, but my genuine admiration for the level of execution of this absolutely core facet of the gameplay. Their plan almost worked -- or perhaps could have worked -- but it didn't. It fails in some very fundamental ways that mostly have to do with the developers' control and complacency. * * * Time for pure gameplay complaining: the Crystarium stinks. Let's do some comparing and contrasting and background here, since we might as well. At some point -- I guess Final Fantasy X -- the developers at Square Enix decided that traditional experience points / earn a level-style leveling systems were passe. I don't in the least bit blame them, since how you grow your characters is one of the best gameplay aspects of an RPG when handled correctly. The Sphere Grid, which was Final Fantasy X's stab at delivering that sort of gameplay, was compulsively addictive to me. It was essentially linear for a good portion of the game, but starting not terribly far in, you'd be forced to make decisions about what to unlock when, and how to balance your party, and soon after that what secondary sets of abilities you wanted your characters to develop. One of my absolute fondest memories of FFX is running in circles in Zanarkand raising levels for an entire day. Final Fantasy XII's leveling system, the License Board, is a pathetic thing, paltry and simple, trivial to exploit. It encourages you -- or at least it did me -- to rob your characters of any distinct identity and instead gravitate to what delivers the best advantage: my party were carbon copies of one another by the end of the game; bizarre hybrid mage-warriors with no trace of specialty nor identity. It's worth noting that when the game was rereleased in Japan, this entire gameplay mechanic was deleted and replaced with something new (called the Intenational Zodiac Job System, fuck knows what that is. I certainly don't care.) The Crystarium is not that bad. But it is not very good. I think one of the real flaws with it is that it's split into six: each role has its own distinct set of bonuses and abilities, because each role has to be defined within the context of the game's Paradigm System battles, which are in fact quite excellent. Unfortunately in concert with this, there's no freedom of movement, and your only decision-making process is which of the jobs you wish to raise first. But that complaint is really irrelevant compared to the real flaws in the system. The Crystarium is divided into levels, and levels are locked. They are not locked, as would be logical, until you complete one; they are locked until the arbitrary point in the game -- always after a boss battle -- where the developers deign to unlock the next stage of Crystarium growth. Frustratingly, too, in my experience, the game perfectly metes out experience points throughout so that you're just about ready to hit the next level of the Crystarium by the time you get it. This is one of the many things about playing Final Fantasy XIII that makes you feel like a rat in a maze. There's an ominous awareness of someone in control, just out of your field of view... And there is a severe and obvious flaw with this: gamers don't all enjoy games the way the developers intend them to. Gamers don't all enjoy games in the order developers intend them to. And gamers do not all enjoy games at the speed which developers intend them to. This is the first game in the series which does not allow for this, and that is a severe flaw. There are six potential roles for each character (pretentiously renamed in the U.S. version to Commando, Ravager, Medic, Saboteur, Synergist, and Sentinel from the readily comprehensible Attacker, Blaster, Healer, Jammer, Enhancer, and Defender.) However, for the first two thirds of the game, you aren't allowed to access any but the three the which the development team assigned to each character at its outset. The CP (Crystogen Points, or experience points) you earn are only enough to really concentrate on the three jobs you are given anyway. This, in fact, holds true for the whole game, including the last boss, unless you do a tremendously unpalatable amount of grinding, even when you have access to the other three jobs. This sucks out all player choice once again. Since you effectively can't raise optional jobs, since the CP costs are so astronomical, you can't really experiment with new party builds without swapping characters in and out to form the party you want. All I accomplished by trying to make Lightning a Saboteur was putting her behind Hope in primary job progress, and I quickly abandoned the idea. I got a slight benefit out of making Fang a low-level Synergist, but since you also only have six Paradigm slots this became irrelevant, too. There just wasn't room for that Paradigm. The worst aspect of the Crystarium, though, is that not every character gets every ability in every job. For example, as a Synergist, Fang gets Shellga and Protectga. I assumed Hope would earn access to these abilities soon after -- when his next Crystarium level unlocked. Nope. He never gets them -- ever -- and Synergist is one of his three primary jobs. Worse yet is that without consulting a FAQ, you'd never know this, so it's impossible to plan ahead for the ideal party without researching online -- and personally I like to avoid FAQs as much as I can. In the end, the Crystarium is just a linear leveling system in a Sphere Grid disguise, and it's probably my personal biggest disappointment with the game. Tim compared the game to busywork in his review, and it's not wrong -- by removing meaningful choice, the Crystarium has transitioned from a thoughtful system into something akin to stuffing envelopes. * * * All the same, when I look at the game, I'm more sympathetic to many of the mistakes the developers made because I came to the realization that they are tremendously determined to get players through this game, fully understanding its gameplay. And I also laud them for turning up the challenge at the point at which they believe players should fully understand it -- which is one of the most satisfying sections of the game, if not the most satisfying section -- the Battleship Palamecia. It's obvious that this is why the game is so drawn out, and derisively (though somewhat fairly) called a neverending tutorial by gamers. Gamers, for one reason and another, don't like to be condescended to, and this was a miscalculation on Square Enix's part. But it's not so simple as that. This isn't just about teaching novices to play the game. It's about making sure everybody gets it. Really, really gets it. This is necessary because with previous titles in the series, it was fully possible to get to the very end without understanding their gameplay. Not just possible, in fact, but likely. The most obvious culprit here is Final Fantasy VIII -- the game is complicated, more than a little broken, very abstract, and full of gameplay loopholes. On reading what people have had to say about it over the last 11+ years, I have certainly realized that I -- no newbie to Final Fantasy or RPGs in general by that point -- got to the end of the game without really understanding its gameplay in more than the most rudimentary way, and I was hardly alone in that. In fact, I never actually beat Final Fantasy VIII. I got to the last boss, but I never did defeat her. Let's go back to that word "abstract". When it comes to core gameplay, RPGs are the most abstracted of all established game genres. In a shooter, you shoot someone; he dies. You physically move the aiming reticule over a target; you pull a shoulder button like a trigger. It's simple. Game developers are forever adding abstract, complex gameplay elements to titles of all genres, because the kinds of people who buy Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 games enjoy these abstractions. Only RPGs are build their foundations on them. Even relatively simple concepts like "equipment" tend to be so complicated by either special abilities or innumerable choices that they lose a great deal of their concreteness. There's the famous example, of course, of Dean Takahashi's review of the original Mass Effect -- in which he forgot to level Shepard. Dean is not a stupid guy. At this year's GDC, Peter Molyneux said that Microsoft research indicated that more than 60 percent of the Fable audience understood less than 50 percent of the series' gameplay. Fable is not as popular as Final Fantasy. The answer that BioWare and Lionhead have posed to these problems is to streamline the everliving fuck out of Mass Effect 2 and Fable III. The Final Fantasy XIIIdevelopment team tried that, too. However, where the paths diverge is that the Western teams have gone to great lengths to make their gameplay systems concrete. ME2 is a full-on shooter; Fable III doesn't have levels anymore: you gain followers, and that power is reflected visually by your character. Instead of moving towards action or something else easier to understand, Final Fantasy XIII completely retained an abstracted, command input-based tactical battle system with text and gauges and jobs and hit points -- they just tried to teach players to use it. As a hardcore gamer who loves abstraction (and in particular loves this battle system) I sure do appreciate it. But it's easy to argue that Square Enix is going both against the grain of the collective wisdom of the industry and also working against the mainstream audience they want to cultivate. One solution -- and I'm not even sure this is precisely intentional on BioWare's part, but if it is, it's genius -- would be to split Final Fantasy into hardcore nerdy and open and casual variants, in the same way Mass Effect and Dragon Age compliment each other. No significant number of BioWare otaku who want the D&D-inspired bollocks of Dragon Age's gameplay resent Mass Effect 2's simplicity. And they will buy every scrap of Dragon Age content thrown to them, and most of them will buy Mass Effect, too. Like i said, if this is intentional, it's pure fucking genius and probably what I most respect BioWare for right now. I've talked to a guy online -- a smart enough guy, an adult and avid gamer, who got to the end of Final Fantasy X without understanding the Sphere Grid and couldn't beat Sin. Despite my problems with FFVIII, this never occurred to me, simply because I understood FFX so well. And, more troublingly, I know a guy online who's gotten past the point in Final Fantasy XIII where the developers assume you understand the game and just throw everything at you -- far past, with the help of strategy guides and a level of perseverence that's difficult to credit but so refreshing to see -- and I'm not quite sure he really gets it. He certainly can't reliably execute it. Because of the tight control over the Crystarium he can't grind his way out of tight spots; because of the developers' faith that their style of teaching players how to play is adequate, he has to resort to following online strategies. Even the official guide isn't enough. So as much as I like the impetus of teaching novices to understand Final Fantasy -- because how else are you going to convert them into fans like me who live, breathe, and love JRPG gameplay? -- I don't think Square Enix pulled it off. And worse, they alienated a good chunk of their existing audience by making it sit through kindergarten, or as I like to call the beginning of the game, Disc 0 (think about this in PlayStation 1 FF terms and you'll get it.) * * * So while I'm on the subject of gameplay, let's keep this going and talk about the fucking battle system already. The best -- if not most appealing -- way I can think of to explain the Paradigm Shift system is that, in a regular FF battle system, you were the grill team in the McDonalds kitchen, all working to produce the meal. In FF13, you've been promoted to manager. Rather than making the same, repetitive individual decisions moment-to-moment, you control the overall flow of battle via the Paradigms. Once the system gets cooking, you get the same intense and strategic push-pull of a traditional turn-based battle system in maybe one fifth of the time. So each Paradigm you set up, to back up a bit, is a party build. Each character has three jobs (let's say three, because as I discussed, five or six is a lie and even four is pushing it.) Your job is to switch between Paradigms which offer the most effective mix of jobs (and thus, skills) for current battle situations -- you become the mini-general, flipping your troops' jobs around. And it's not just that you must tell them what (generally) to do; you also have to be mindful of how their skills compliment each other. That's before you take into account enemy behavior. To say that the battle system is challenging and addictive would be an understatement -- this is the compulsive and most highly polished aspect of the gameplay, bar-none. The problem is that it doesn't fucking get that way until the aforementioned Palamecia section... like 15 hours into the game. Sigh. But once it kicks in, it's fucking kicked in for the whole rest of the game; smacking the everloving shit out of the last boss was a highly amusing pleasure. There's also the extremely fast pace to laud, and also the strange but addictive process of Staggering enemies. Until you Stagger an enemy, damage is negligible, and you need to hit them with both physical attacks and magic to make them Stagger. This really is the way in which the Paradigm Shift system is unified with basic damage dealing, you see, and the icing is the game's maniacal reliance on buffs and debuffs later on to add another layer of tension and make your finger itch on the L1 button as you shift Paradigms compulsively. This is the good shit. This is where it's at. And when you Stagger (or Break) -- I definitely prefer the Japanese version's "Break", it's more forceful, more aesthetically appealing -- So when you BREAK an enemy, there's a skill called Launch that the Commando class gets which throws the fucker up into the air. When the enemy is up in the air it can't do jack shit -- it can't attack you at all, and just wriggles helplessly. This is so super fucking satsifying that I can't even articulate it. It makes me giggle. And to answer one of the questions Tim raised in his review of the game, yes, it's inherently satisfying to see giant fucking numbers (representing damage) pop out of enemies when you hit them. Of this I have not the least shred of doubt. * * * Let's talk about the whole NO TOWNS thing. The game does not fucking need towns. Towns would not solve this game's problems. The whole towns thing reminds me of people talking about Steven Spielberg's A.I. A lot of people didn't like the saccharine ending of the film and said that the movie should have ended with David staring at the Blue Angel, implicitly forever. No -- that would have just been a different shitty ending. In the same vein, stapling some classic-style towns to Final Fantasy XIII would not solve anything. What people who are asking for towns are asking for are two things, and one of them is valid and one of them is bullshit. 1. Give me what the series has always had, because I am old and I fear change. (Bullshit.) 2. Give me something that would improve the game's pacing, and add agency and variety. (Correct.) Let me be clear: I have no interest in seeing towns come back to Final Fantasy as towns were once executed in the series, that's for sure. But something needs to come in -- a solution must be devised. The bit where you chase the Chocobo chick through Nautilus: that was simple, and stupid, but fun. The way I much more miss towns, in all honesty, is that so many of the cutscenes in this game feature people just stopping in some corridor in some dungeon and having a conversation, and the context they do this in has absolutely nothing to do with that conversation, and it starts to feel extremely false and disconnected from any sense of reality. This is to be avoided scrupulously in future games in the series, in my opinion, and one of the ways to do that is to make sure that the important story sequences are context-driven. And to have context-driven story you need, well, a fucking context. Obviously. Things like towns are meaningful. Giant blue glowing forests, while totally fucking awesome for smacking the shit out of rampaging biological experiments in, are not so great for having a conversation about your dead mom. * * * One particularly notable object lesson in this is the segment of the game which takes place in Palumpolum. The game goes from romps through attractive but irrelevant video game backdrops to a struggle against fate in a city populated by civilians. Context comes flooding in to illustrate concepts that were so recently abstract. There's an army, there are buildings that make sense, there's the whole scenario with Hope's dad in his apartment. Things just gel fabulously here in a way that totally makes sense, and stands in stark contrast to the last several hours of the game. The Hanging Edge. Gapra Whitewood. Sunleth Waterscape. No. Vile Peaks. The Fifth Ark. Kind of; good enough. Nautilus. Palumpolum. The Palmecia. Eden. Yes. * * * Let's talk about the characters and story. The Final Fantasy series has been pretty hit or miss when it comes to antagonists. This game is pretty much a miss. It's really not until the last fucking battle that you begin to get a real understanding for what actually drives the antagonist, who is an Old Man In A Dress, the Fantasy Pope -- which is a lazy cliche, while I'm complaining -- to push your party around, try to kill them, et cetera. This is what I like to call a Big Fucking Mistake. Until then, you're confronted with the fact that he's just a floating asshole who pushes you around and lies to you. It's easy to see why the characters dislike him, but as the player, it's not so easy to feel strongly about it. Also he's a big stupid monster / god thing, really, it turns out, of course. And I found this particularly boring because, oddly enough, the real world's Evil Old Man In A Dress has been in the news a lot lately. And he has been implicated in multiple coverups involving child molesters. And while the whole complicated tale is heartbraking and infuriating, it's also a human story, one that has real heft and weight: I'm more interested in taking my band of adventurers to Rome and knocking Cardinal Ratfucker out of his Prada loafers with a hail of Blizzagas than spitting on Primarch Dysley, FF13's antagonist. Think about that rich and complicated story of venality, ambition, insensitivity, and arrogance and compare it with what motivates FF13's Pope, which is "I'm a god, but I don't like being a god that much." Right. That said, stories of gods pushing humans around don't have to suck. I mean, we have the whole pantheons of Greek and Norse mythologies, and those are just the ones I am immediately familiar with as a white nerd. Those are some fucking interesting gods. And beyond that I can think of examples from fantasy like Megan Whalen Turner's The Queen's Thief series, or Steven Brust's Vlad Taltos books, or Diana Wynne Jones, or Neil Gaiman. These gods have many of the same qualities of the Fal'Cie -- aloof, manipulative -- but they're used effectively. That's because the action of the story rests on the decisions of the people, even when the gods command; FF13 does, to its credit, try to do that, too, but it doesn't come together until the end. Let's detour quickly into "Fal'Cie." We already have a word for gods, and it's "gods". Bad fantasy overuses superflous terminology like Fal'Cie that obscures both the meaning and, to my mind, seriousness of its story, and this is a prime offender. I have a theory that Japanese people are more willing to accept bullshit katakana terminology because their language is full of it -- bear in mind that everyday concepts like Personal Computer and Digital Camera and Internet and Sony PlayStation are all made up fantasy words to the Japanese, more or less, and it seems easier to understand why their games are full of them. Then again Dragon Age has shit like the Grey Wardens and (gag) Darkspawn, which sound just as bad to me. It's a problem. Fantasy people: restrain thyselves. One of the really frustrating things about this game is another aspect of the Disc 0 problem I alluded to earlier. It really, really extends to the development of the characters. Plenty of people I've talked to (aka The Whole of the Internets) really hate Snow, Hope, and Vanille. I do not hate them. But I can understand it, because for the first chunk of the game, they are boring do-nothing characters. Contrast the Sazh who stumbles around the Hanging Edge with the one who talks about his son, Dahj, in Sunleth Waterscape and Nautilus. In my opinion, Hope's problems make sense, and he begins to speak and act intelligently and with conviction earlier on. But Vanille is in a way the linchpin of the plot, or many of its mysteries, and you have no bloody idea until way too far into the game. There's a reason she's narrating the thing, folks. Snow, well... Snow can't really get into gear until he and Hope have it out, and thanks to the game's shitty pacing, that just takes far too long. Someone I know said "the plot seems like it's always an hour away from getting good", and that's apt. I've also heard it said that the text Datalog entries add necessary details to flesh out what's going on -- and that's true not in terms of understanding events (I had no problems) but it's very true in terms of shading. In the end, I'm not wild about the cast. They're not as sympathetic as the Final Fantasy X crew, somehow. I felt for them, but not strongly. I think the context problem I wrote about -- Talking In Dungeons -- and the boring antagonist help screw them up. The lack of a real focused main character (aka Final Fantasy VI-itis) is also a problem. Lightning never comes to life as a character -- she's an idea of a character, a representation, a simulacrum. She's fascinating to watch in motion and she spits out some great lines -- love her attitude -- but there's no her. Sazh, on the other hand, is dependable and sympathetic, and one of the only in the party capable of surprising you with his actions. How in the fuck did Japan deliver the one of the first truly rounded and sympathetic black characters in a game (and deliver him with a Chocobo chick in his afro, and make it work?) Talk about an unexpected triumph. Snow is a stock character. Snow is not a badly-written version of that character, but he does not exceed those bounds enough to become fully three-dimensional. He's important to the story, though, and I forgive it. He's kind of like this game's Wakka, with a role that exceeds his depth, yet somehow a less interesting conflict to resolve within himself. I had thought Hope was going to be a Shinji-type character, but he's really not, or not for very long. He's a believable adolescent; his background really comes into play for his character in ways I didn't anticipate (observations easier for me to make, perhaps, because he's the one I identified with most.) You can tell he's well-educated though he never really talks about it much; later you see he's a child of privelege who grew up in the big city, and his attitude and demeanor makes sense. Characterization Success Get! He acts in ways that are logical, and if anybody sells the whole Fal'Cie/l'Cie thing, in the whole cast, it's Hope -- through both his reactions to the situation and his knowledge. Vanille... is a conundrum. First up, she's the worst character design Nomura has shit out since... Irvine Kinneas? Long time. Part of that's a cultural Japan/America thing, and part of that's a borderline misogynist "girl skipping around in a short dress is tough to take seriously" thing, let's face it... but part of it is that she has just a hideous outfit and ridiculous hair. Even Hope looks like he's dressed to walk around a bit. She... well, it'd be an okay outfit for a summertime date. If she didn't expect to have to sit down and get hit in the back with that... beaded... thing, that is. When her role in the story becomes apparent, though, suddenly she's really interesting. I can't think of another character in an RPG who lies so much, and for such believable reasons. Usually RPG characters only lie because they're Secretly On The Other Side or whatever -- normal fantasy turncoat bullshit. That's it. You know, totally unlike real people, who lie all the time with both good and bad intentions. Not so, Vanille. And Fang is kind of dumb but she looks awesome, is gorgeous, kicks ass, has a rockin' Australian accent, and is just generally too much fun to not love. And you can easily pretend she's a lesbian. The game's real strength, though, is the dynamics of the characters -- their interactions. Lightning and Hope. Hope and Snow. Sazh and Vanille. Vanille and Fang. Japanese writers seem to have a facility for group dynamics and this frequently shines through in FF13's story more than the actual plot point that's occuring. * * * Chris Hecker has warned us that if we're not careful, games will become like comic books. What he's talking about is cultural ghettoization. I think we're already there -- we're just there at a profitable scale for a wide audience, unlike comics. And in many cases we're at an even bigger disadvantage -- it's much more challenging, and at times impossible, to step out of your preferred genres and either enjoy or comprehend the games. The FF13 solution, as I already outlined, was to teach people to enjoy it. Sure, Square Enix was less than fully successful there (though the guy who I spoke about who's struggling loved the game so much -- his first JRPG ever -- that he kept at it, and has pushed through the points where he was stuck, and even crossed over into JRPG fan territory by buying the CD soundtrack!) But I digress. My brain has been programmed by long exposure to love the JRPG genre. The experience of playing genre-based games is to gradually understand them more. As long as the games are good, your accumulated knowledge makes them more enjoyable. Hell, even mediocre games in a genre that you like and understand tend to be somewhat entertaining, because they lightly caress those synapses. Your decisions are driven by your tastes, but your tastes are reinforced by repeated exposure, until you start to think about buying games you think look terrible because they have good aspects -- for example, Eternal Sonata, which I though about buying I don't know how many times before I finally gave up on the idea. Its adorable vapidity repulsed me too much to sit through just to experience a battle system which looks pretty nifty. One thing I love most about the JRPG genre is its visual panache, and one thing that the deveopers of Final Fantasy XIII prioritized beyond perhaps all else is delivering those visuals. They are stunning. The character animations in battle and exploration are excellent, the scenes burst with detail, the environments are eye-catching and complex and unexpected. The amount of art generated for this game is nuts -- especially because that's the most expensive part of current generation game production. When I saw Lake Bresha for the first time in December, I said -- out loud -- "this is why I bought a PlayStation 3" and I was not kidding. There was my $600, three years later, right there. When I had the chance to speak to him, I even brought Lake Bresha up with Toriyama, and here's what he said: That body of water you were mentioning is crystallized, and technically it's very difficult to create something that's basically half see-through to bring that frozen effect. So it's not only that artistic vision, but it's also providing that technical expertise to create that; and that's something that really sets us apart from other developers. Other developers I don't think can really create that. You know what? It sounds arrogant, but the blend of techniques, aesthetics, and Japanese orientation to detail represented by Final Fantasy XIII is unmatched this generation. This game is a visual masterpiece. Sure, it's not subtle; The Lost Guardian is going to be more refined. But FF13 can encompass so much about what's great about current generation visuals in one game: it brings in elements of all genres and all aesthetics and blends them together and makes them work, stunningly, and in realtime. And that was something I could always fall back on and enjoy, because it's something I love. And that's what being a genre fan means. Tragically, so much of the most beautiful, exciting content is saved for late in the game. The developers just presume you'll get to Gran Pulse and see its impressive vistas. What if you get bored and sell the game before then? I don't think that thought crossed anybody's mind. That. Is. Fucking. Nuts. The same goes for the game's soundtrack: Masahi Hamauzu, long relegated to Square's B-titles, does a fantastic job here. Yes, it hews close to the aesthetics that have been long established in the genre. A friend of mine, whose music taste I respect a great deal, called it terrible. I got really annoyed. But it's hard to see something like this the way he might: not as a fan of JRPG soundtracks, but as a fan of music. I actually have plenty I could say about the topic in its defense, but that's for another time: it's enough for me to put out that, in another aspect of its conventionality, this game excels. * * * Though all games don't feature strong narrative elements, I think it might be true that games are a unique medium because they are both complex software systems and content-driven media. Together, they forge a context. It's an important tenet of fantasy writing to be embroiled in worldbuilding, of course, but games literally build the worlds they describe. One of the problems that complicates both creating and reviewing games is that they are both software and media. To create software is to create function; to create media is to create feeling. The place where things get interesting is in where these two aims, which don't have a hell of a lot to do with each other, intersect. When they diverge too obviously, pain lies. In a narrative-driven game, both the story-related events and the gameplay systems are expected to come together -- and when it works, this combination is more satisfying than either element would be alone. This dual strength allows you to forgive the flaws. Though game stories are routinely, and not unfairly, criticized for the fact that they would be dissatisfying as a linear narrative (say, a movie) I also think it's valid, and I feel comfortable saying, that the intersection point is what allows games to become more than the sum of their parts. I fully believe this. Games are satisfying because they are a synthesis. They may rountely be a clumsy synthesis in 2010, but their success is still built on this. This is not an argument against games striving to improve both in narrative and play contexts, but it explains, to me at least, my immense satisfaction with flawed experiences and failed experiments. By the time you put it to bed, Final Fantasy XIII proves both that its story is functional and its gameplay is sound. But unfortunately there is a continuous shifting and even breakdown of forged context for a great deal of the adventure. What it's trying to accomplish keeps changing. The game has something like an act structure -- not as most narrative media does because the characters make decisions that propel them forward, but because it's assembled from parts and the seams are visible. The hand of the creators is all too evident in this work, and this is even worse than it could be because it's clear the hand is shaking. And that brings us back to the fundamental problem with FF13, and, finally, to the end of this text. The team have erred seriously in their assumption that players will simply, left with no other option, like the game. Their assumption is that players will, by the end, understand the game; their assumption that, in doing so, players will inevitably care about the game's content. It always comes back to that, in every facet. I would argue that it would be ridiculous to assume someone who doesn't like what Final Fantasy has to offer should or could be catered to by a Final Fantasy title. I can't play Madden just to enjoy what it does well despite a near-total lack of interest or understanding of football. I will never develop an appreciation for Halomultiplayer, even if I can understand what makes it so compelling to so many. I don't really care to try, frankly. That attitude, which I think is common, is an important part of what makes games a tough medium to create in. Even if you allow, as you should, that the game is made for an audience that could potentially enjoy it, Final Fantasy XIII takes this assumption too much to heart, and in doing so severely tries the patience and, some would say, insults the intelligence of its audience. That is a profoundly dangerous place to go and a precipice the developers absolutely must back away from. Final Fantasy XIII For PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360 Released: March 9, 2010 Publisher: Square Enix Developer: Square Enix Three stars out of five

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dahmer · 6 years

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oh pi! at es. ples. ples.

Oh! just, subtle, and mighty opium! that to the hearts of poor and rich alike, for the wounds that will never heal, and for 'the pangs that tempt the spirit to rebel,' bringest an assuaging balm; eloquent opium! that with thy potent rhetoric stealest away the purposes of wrath; and to the guilty man, for one night givest back the hopes of his youth, and hands washed pure of blood.... qtd // thomas de Quincey // Confessions of an English Opium Eater

here’s a man, once ill-tempered of turks and trendsetting vices, speaking to the grand stage of the world fashioned in this season’s epide-mock. a warm, fuzzy coatish wear nestled in the covers. small american towns know these styles too well to count body bags, along cotton pads and china scabs, among mother’s basements and luxury high risers graduating all from the fancy-feels certificate of blues. those roxy pebbles, how they start us so--an endless invitation to long summer warmth that childhood bathtubs and lawn-mower sundays would once bring.

when did the foil side decision set in. was there truly a technique to not waste the evaporated smoke, or just somedaze endless-ego-talk of the mighty soldiers in the opium army of guilt. shame, yes sir! solute to toot, scrap the straw edges as the hours pass waiting for the guy with the goods. were you in california when fent came along, past the liquid patch of time-released days. the recents 16s, 17s, two thousands eighteens. labs grade, synthesizing variations to parade as china. “east coast man, east coast shit. it’s the best ever. no, nah nah bro, i got you. bud took one point, was on his ass for hours. nod on fire.”

did chemists know the china rhetoric will turn fent-for-all. markets of east coast fantasies, oblivious to west coast privileges. of potency. of people. of starry nights in smashing pumpkin music video dreams, riding through hollywood as a secret member of the powder variety. it’s a plague paraded as a epidemic because that word has no world of meaning to the good folk playing their igno-rent; recycling stigmas of junky choice rattling thrillists. despite the proof inside the bottles. the truth in every bottle. in every cabinet. of every person. with every doctor. who ever felt. the normalcy sensation of one of the most blanked words: pain.

pain is surely what that just, subtle, and mighty opium! creates in the hearts of the poor and rich alike. the rich die often in the experimentation state of emergency someone labeled as ‘the opioid problem’--problem? oh lily, you know as much as your wilted leaves and neighboring trees the silly stamp we slap when using ‘problem’ to critically deconstruct something magnificently complex.this ‘problem’ has destroyed empires for centuries. it’s notorious and makes no attempt to conceal its power in narrative recollections of the living authors that have spoke the truths of humanity across language, land, and lives. yet big pharma pulled off opana and roxicodone in the last 20 years. if there’s any declaration of the fools ruling the castle in modern times, this must be the great exemplary act. the profit of pain, oh yawn. i’m sure the academic discourse that has capture this best is brilliant it construction and nature, but what difference does it make in an opiated masses?

i’ve not canceled my subscriptions to the periodical dual tragedies of the early 21st century, as they remain unchanged and unchallenged: (1) a sheer lack of empathy in the common man; (2) the curious and devastating complacency and lack of outrage to what seems to unfold before our eyes, rapidly and carelessly so now that it’s almost as if those navigating the unseen lines of powers that be mock us, appropriately so. if we’re no opiated, we’re not outrage or active either. generalization? yes. but for those who fall outside of this, fight causes that continually reveal themselves as premeditated chess pieces in the political playing field that has seep into dominating the social sphere that delivers use a constantly-running facet of media and targeted, privatized ads.

i am an addict.

i can clean. M knows. some family knows. the weight that has been lifted is ineffably enduring. i’m frustrated, naturally, at the golden years missed. the creativity, the goodness of my heart, kindness of soul, charity, intellectual ability, sincerity, and passionate interests. how they dulled and disappeared. the weight of their reappearance should be the least of my worries, and for now have been. i’m only a week into my methadone treatment program. but my partner knows now. and that was the missing link, that was needed for so long. he left. i stay in the apartment alone. had the worst week. four days into starting treatment, i get arrested on a fix-it ticket that never was completely closed in a difference country because the DMV didn’t inform the courthouse I’ve squared everything away. I was given a new court date to bring this documentation in myself after final payments were made and the matter seemed settled. but the letter was sent to my old apartment, so i was completely unaware a warrant in los angeles was issued. a few short blocks away from my new apartment in newport beach, where M returned for the first time since walking in on me and learning of the addiction that exposure so much (that was the most bittersweet, hard, important, thankful, and devastating night of my life--but revitalizing. I never realize how much everything rested on just M being told or finding out.). I’m almost home, about to see it, sirens go on. get pulled over. second car arrives. i’m in cuffs. call my works, and text M to say I wouldn’t be coming home to give him space.

at this point, i was told i would be transferred to LA that night, and see a judge in the morning. have everything taken care of. but orange county SA jail is notorious for lies and abuse. there was no intentions of this, and i went from holding cell to orange jumpsuit soon enough. smart this time, i disclosed my sexuality. was given a special block, with an actual two-person jail cell. like the movies. my cell mate was great. jason ciega. curious sexuality. talked heavily about girlfriends, but made subtle jokes that went: “when you’re expecting pussy, but life gives ya dick... but hey, there’s nothing wrong with that too.” He vaguely mentioned his sexuality was “whatever”--I respected and explained why I identify as queer. i have some hidden white china fent mix left i snuck in, even after the cavity search. I stressed needing the bathroom for diarrhea, in fear of the 4-6 gram rocks being found. they kept stressing if i had drugs, it would be another charge. but with my profession work title, they didn’t really consider that with me. i hated that i had to use again so early in treatment, but this avoided the sickness. and made me sleep through the day and a half before M bailed me out. when i got celled up with jason, he shared his rations he bought, like cookies and stuff. i shared my china, in very small doses. he still O.D.’d. turned blue and purple, unconscious, eyes behind head. he took off his shirt after sniffing the first baby bit. i snorted probably 30x what he did, and barely felt something, tolerance. his speck had him worried after 5 mins. “I don’t feel it”

I tell him it wait another 5-10 mins at least. he starts ripping up my mattress and sheet to make a pillow and bedsheet. at first i’m scared this would cause the jail keeper to punish or abuse me. i saw it happened. beds are supposed to be returned in the form they were given. but the special blocks for “protective custody” and queers were treated with more respect, out of fear I assume. The regular jail area is a massive shared space with dozens of rows of beds, and people organized and grouped by race and gangs that you must join right away. I was glad I didn’t have to endure that. I did briefly at 19 for an alcohol in public ticket. only spent 4-6 hours in actual jail-orange-suits area after 10-15 hours of hold cells then. realized how racially divided even jails were. but this experience was more pleasant, given the circumstances. before jason began nodding out, he was fun and talkative in an enjoyable well. he revealed a great chest and body--small frame, but bulky build with tattoos. an insecure boy turn nice guy that acts like one of the guys. referenced odd jokes that seemed code for him being a bottom, and wanting sexual companionship if we ended up bunking for awhile. mutual only, of course. i laughed these attempts off. jason was lonely, and i wasn’t there for inmate sex. i’m in love with M, and still spent every moment worrying and texting about him, and what i’ve done to him. how little he knows about this addiction, how much his family might enable him to think narrowly or ignorantly about the realities of this as a disease.

M abandoned me the day I began treated, 2 mornings after he caught me and everything in our lives froze. we sat on the bed that night, side by side, for hours. him crying in his hands mostly, for hours. me frozen in a wave of emotions. i was a fault. i was honest and told him everything. this was the only thing i kept from him, and told him why. the shame, the guilt. the fear. losing him. rejection of me, disposal of my efforts and love from him and his family. he said we needed time apart. i begged him to be there for me, no matter what the outcome was of our relationship, at least in the beginning. knowing this is the most crucial time to have a support system. he expressed things like believing I’ve just been high this whole time, and asked questions that extracted as much shame and guilt as possible. he had every right to. it’s all i’ve see him and his twin ever do. to the point of their older brother needing serious psychological helping, crying out literally shouting how suicidal he is, but they fail to understand how mental health works, how humor and jokes are masks that should be taken seriously. M was hurt most that I lied. I did lie. Not directly, but did lie at times when he asked why i was in the bathroom for so long. It was unspoken, so it didn’t feel like lying. More like protecting, but it was lying. And I will forever be in the wrong.

Going to jail may have ruined any chance of him coming back. And I can’t stand that thought. He doesn’t know what I’ve been going through. How long it took to be honest about my addiction, what steps I took to try to get clean on my own, the lies you convince yourself off--that you can do it alone, that it’ll work out, that you’ll run out of money so you’ll have to stop. My only other treatment attempt told me I must tell M. He’s the closest to me that I love and trust, who is a good influence, not a user, and could be my support system that sees me through this, and can monitor me during the first 3-7 days that are most crucial. M mentioned how he could have come home to find me dead. O.D. we watched docs and podcasts on the epidemic, but they don’t go into how hard this experience is. How withdrawal is considered one of the hardest things a human can possible do in life, and takes incredible amounts of courage, strength, and dedication that M will probably never even experience in his life. The reports just assume people know this stuff. And under-represent who is most likely to O.D. I’ve never come close. I haven’t been high in, years. I used to stay normal. M, and others like him--those who don’t know--don’t understand that. I was never chasing the dragon. I hate the addiction, quickly. I was too smart for it. Too focused and dedicated to have this problem.

But I did, and unless I dose a certain amount, I couldn’t function. Bedridden in the worst sickness imaginable. To those who’ve experience withdrawal, it’s not just the constant, non-stop, extreme physical sickness. It’s the relentless psychological sickness. Torture. That doesn’t even given you a 30 second break. Hearing that your sick for 3-5 days might sound easy because we call it “getting sick” or “dope sick”--but it’s a far worse experience that can even be fatal for some. My finances and lack of wanting to be doped out, nodding and unproductive all day luckily allowed my addiction to plateau at taking a certain amount to stay well, and doing that everyday for over a year. Til I was caught. It would slightly increase, but fluctuate, based on product, potency, and source going around. I never shot. Only snorted, that was my ritual. And when I was stupid, I would smoke. It was a waste, that burned through product much faster. Which meant more money and time dedicated to staying well. The consistent tolerance and dosing makes my chances of O.D’ing incredibly low. If M knew me as an addiction, which he couldn’t--I never disclosed--he’d know this was hell. Torture. Something I spent endless nights up all night wishing, hoping, begging for change.

The fright came from the Friday I got into a detox treatment program. I told him two nights before I needed him for supported. He made a sly remark about “what, you’re going to force me to stay around or you’ll OD and die if I don’t”--but it was among other things, so it was unclear what would happened. And days past, with little words exchanged, but M stayed around. When he returned from work, I was in bed and he has if I stayed treatment. I said yes, but didn’t explain or speak confidently out of fear of him not knowing what these treatments were, how much research I’ve done, how I picked this on purpose with a goal to get off treatment drugs soon too and never be dependent on a substance. He didn’t ask much questions. He shortly said it’s good, then revealed he’s packing up and staying at this parents for the weekend. I froze in silence. He packed and said some of the same narrowed perspective claims from the other night--how my sibling and her spouse are there to help me. M thinks because they’ve both been in AA, and one is an ex-heroin addict in healthy, long-term recovery that they can just drop their full time college, 3 jobs, and toddler to take care of me. They’re wonderful support systems, but the detox clinic described who needs to be around the first 3 days for my outpatient detox, and it perfectly defined M.

But I must respect M’s decisions, feelings, angry, and pain. He has his own healing to do. All I said was that I need support more now than ever, so please don’t forget me. This was in response to him saying I could always call him if I needed something--which was worded in a way that read like ‘call in emergencies, but I’m out.’ So I went through it alone, all 3 days. In bed. I called a friend for xanax, even though you have to be very very careful taking both. I was, and needed to sleep if no one would be there to check on me. At this time, I thought either M felt his hurt and pain outweighed what I was going through, and that’s understandable regardless of my experience actually being a life-threatening disorder. What I wish he knew was that most people who O.D.--the ones on the news all the time. It’s most from relapse. Stopping, detoxing, getting clean. Then a trigger happens, or hope gives up, opportunity comes, or you feel alone and no one cares. Whatever the reason, you return to the drug and take a similar dose, or even smaller dose, than what you were doing before. But your tolerance fades as quickly as it builds, and is different for everything. So most O.D. deaths are simply from people relapsing and taking too much without knowing where their new tolerance stands. Any temptation or relapse could be my last breathe.

I still live in that fear, but I’m motivated and happy to finally get clean. It’s all I wanted, I just couldn’t do it alone. And knew this. The summer realized it most. I spent the summer trying to find the right time and opportunity to tell M. He has no idea how many plans and times and moments I wanted to. Even my trip to NYC. I wanted t come back clean so bad. It doesn’t work that way, You need those in your life who support and love you to help. That’s what a relationship is. It’s like if I was diagnosed with cancer. But social misconception and outdated conception allows this opposite, toxic reaction. Where now I exist in this constant mental cycle that centers on figuring out what to do for M. It would hurt my sister, so that would be my biggest regret, but I think M wants a gift from me more than anything; however, knowing him well, he’d never ask. If I just gave it to him, he’d be free. No more doubts or embarrassments or beating himself up about not knowing or what others would think. No more hating and shaming me. He wouldn’t ever have to deal with it, which is what I realize he wants in life. Where we disagree. I can’t play video games and ignore maintaining healthy efforts all day. He’s made great improvements, but blind to others that allowed him to say hurtful things like without even consciousness of it, but would be shocked and hurt if someone said the same back to him. This created a state where if anything that required him to get up from playing video games in his ‘free time’ (non work hours) is a drag that he resents or avoids at all costs. It cost the friendships built between my closest friends, who love him and he claimed to love them. This constant thread was something I battled with most. I would count the weekends I would spend doing whatever he wanted--hanging with siblings, friends, work functions, friends parties. 11 weekends go by, then one movie night with my friends and he wouldn’t even pretend to want to go. It hurt, but I learned other people’s needs are an annoyance or deterrent to his rightful ability to be glued to the computer. I know this was a big factor in never bringing up my addiction. Already he hated any serious conversations, even if I tried to make them positive about reaching goals. Even mentioning one would cause eye rolls and audible disgusts, vocalizing how he just doesn’t like them or “aren’t good at them”--which never made sense to me. I understand he didn’t like to have conversations that implied he’s less than perfect or right, but it creates this wall around you where no one will ever be able to grow or talk or really improvement your or our lives together. I didn’t think much of it. But now that I’m learning my triggers, I’m not blaming M. It will always be me. But I regret starting to pick up his habits in attempts to try and connect more with him, and be closer. I started playing video games more and more, and all my interests disappeared. There was never a time I played video games that didn’t require going to the bathroom and dosing. I couldn’t live that life. But I wanted to build a life with M. When he stopped talking an interests in sharing my activities, I doubled down with his. But things that felt non-productive and antisocial to me became triggers.

There are other issues that caused distance and perhaps his lack of interest or investment in my friends and desires. One, my addiction. Where my interests began to dull. A terrible cycle that grows like a fungus, and can stem from one activity to get closer, but affect another. Also, I gained a considerable amount of weight. This was before my addiction started, but at a time that M became less physical. Then associated it with my weight gain. This was always curious. All compliments, words of encouragement, positive reinforcement, or sexual intimacy ceased, yet I was expected to work harder on health. I should have, but I never went a period of my sexual life where exercise and health were part of my routine because it continued my ability to have a sexual life. In a serious relationship, taking this element away makes it hard to understand how or if anything would restore such intimacy sense there’s no expression, communication, or honesty from M. Just gestures and small hints. He experienced some weight gained, and when he finally got a job after college--after 8 months of playing video games all day as I worked 2-3 jobs 6 days a week plus went to the gym, cleaned the house, and made dinner most nights for him and our roommate--he took up the gym and has done a great job focusing on getting in shape. I expressed this once, and it was something that was some important and meaningful because it consumed by consciousness, but I still wonder a year later if he understood or truly took to heart pointing out that when he got a full time, professional job and began working out after work, he came home daily needing positive reinforcement, acknowledgement, and encouragement about his gym efforts. Even in the early stages when not much can be seen.

I expressed that before grad school, when I really gained the weight from the stress and demands, I too signed up for the gym after my first, full time professional job after college. On top of this, I continued working on Sundays at a restaurant doing back-breaking labor I underplayed because tips were good. My one day off--Saturdays--I spent putting our first apartment together, shopping, planning, going to every family event or friend invite he extended, while keeping up with cooking and cleaning. During this time, M never acknowledged my gym efforts, progress, or work. I think once he complimented me in a tank, but apart from that, I believe he saw that this was just my role. Expected and easy, like it was nothing to essentially try my best to be the best version of myself, be the best boyfriend I could be, build a relationship together, and not ask for anything in return. This felt like my nature, so I didn’t think much of it at the time.

It wasn’t until I started grad school, and he began what I had already gone through: entry level at first professional job. I don’t know why I’m writing about it now, but it hurt he was doing it in a way that made it seem I had no idea what this was like because of my current shape, and my support was expected, not appreciated. M has never been too expressive, but any acknowledgement or encouragement while attending Gold’s gym after work each day in DTLB would have done so much for my self-esteem, our intimacy, his care and support, or just mutual respect I guess when the tables turned later. I still continue to compliment and support. But the thought is always there. What is it about me and what I do, the effort I put in, that seems just expected. Demanded. Not a privilege or sign of care, affection, and love. But “do your damn job”--but then anyone who does the same or a fraction of the same things has the right to guilt or shame me in not being supportive or caring enough. Why do I just exist to replace the role of M’s parents, perhaps, but my efforts aren’t even acknowledged to the same degree in how M views what his parents do.

The shortcomings are what he’s most expressive about. Like I have a savings account like him, and just not paying for things I literally cannot. I didn’t have my parents pay for college, a car, half my rent, bills, and little things in life M takes for granted. I pay for everything. And even having one or two things taken care of by parents allow young adults to live remarkably more comfortable lives that they’re blind to. They don’t understand the luxury of saving every paycheck because their parents pay for everything else. Or maybe it’s me, and my fault for having interests, and occasionally spending money on exploring interests to acculturate my life. Understanding myself, people, and culture better. Be a strong global citizen,

I don’t know. A lot of these claims are unfair to M. He avoids serious conversations, but most of this has come up. It’s just been treated with silence. When he caught my addiction last week, he kept repeating how hurt he was that I lied about it. He’s right, but I couldn’t shake the feeling... when would I ever been able to tell you and you wouldn’t act this way? Was there a time limit when you would have been supportive? Where you would have stayed and ensured I didn’t die during the most crucial period? Would there ever been a time that you didn’t just dismiss it as all my fault, so shame and guilt are the only things I’ll get from him while I need to seek treatment options on my own. That’s not how treatment works. In everything I’ve read, it says the same thing. This is a family problem. You need support. Loved ones. Care. Compassionate. Understanding. If these were never things that would have been offered, why is the main drive of pain from me lying? I did lie, so that’s valid. But it hurts because I don’t know how he truly feels, and sometimes it just goes through my head that this is the reason he’s been waiting for. I haven’t lied or cheated or hid other things. I’ve talked to other guys online, but came clean when caught. And that did hurt trust between us. But I never lied or hid something when we talked about it.

I write all of this because last night he texted me asking to meeting up this weekend to talk. I get excited because it means, after a week, maybe he wants to just sit and ask questions or express anger or frustrations or what’s on his mind. I send him my availability all weekend, with details. He takes hours to respond, but around 2am he says he’s free Saturday and Sunday. This is Friday night, and I see he’s at someone’s house--probably a party--that I didn’t know of. So maybe he’s drunk, but oddly he responded to my availability with just saying he’s free Sat and Sun--not setting a day or time to meet and talk. I don’t respond. It’s late and he says he’s out with friends since I mentioned I was even free that night back when I responded at 9pm when he first asked if I was free to meet and talk this weekend.

Today the morning goes by and I don’t hear from him, but he sent the last text. S at Noon I ask: “do you want me to pick a date and time then?” No answer.

A couple hours later I tell him I’m going to the gym later, and an NA meeting the next day (Sunday) if he wants to join me at either of those for an alternative meet up option--hopefully implying if he doesn’t want to just chat face-to-face, we can do something healthy that shows him I’m working hard in recovery. No response.

Both texts show read receipts. He read that right away, and Find My Friends shows he’s still just at his parents house. Been there all day, but ignoring my texts. Perhaps he was drunk when he texted me Friday night saying he wanted to meet up. I ran with it too quickly then because I miss him like crazy, worry about it, and just think about him and this situation constantly. Plus he bailed me out of jail for $5K of his own money this week on top of all of this, and that’s the last I saw him.

As the day progresses, it starts to dawn on me. Most of his stuff is still at our apartment. We still live here in how it’s set up, and how he’s briefly used it this week. But he’s mostly stayed at his parents, which is understandable since he needs time to figure out how to make sense of this or what to think... which is how I believe he worded it when he left the day I started detox. I think he said “because he feels conflicted.”

But if his stuff is still here, and he knows my schedule, and I know his, he knows we’re both mostly free Saturdays and Sundays. So he could come home either day and sit down to talk when he sees I’m home, Granted, he hasn’t asked about how recovery or detox is going, or shown interest in caring about how I’m doing. He’s not there, and clearly I’m in a state where I agree in the sense that I worry about him most. He doesn’t express his feelings, and this is not something he can just avoid or pretend to go away. He needs to face it. But then I realize what “we need to meet up and talk” means in a relationship after a major issue happens, and one person moves out for a week, leaving the status open-ended, stating we need time apart, and then gets stuck paying $5k while trying to distance (on top of all the money I own him for rent and impound fees last summer). This talk usually means one thing, and I start to panic. Even more so because he’s dodging my texts to follow up about setting a meeting time and date. If M had the liquid courage to ask, but not is faced with following through sober, it would be like him to just ignore me. And he’s definitely ignoring me. Maybe because he just wants me to suffer or leave him alone. But my fear and anxiety has skyrocketed since last night. I’m consumed in fear with the idea that he’s wanting to meet up to end our relationship. I would understand why, but I realize, despite everything, I really really am in love with Michael. My addiction made me not a great boyfriend to look at or be around I’m sure, but I’m confident the person I’m returning to now that I’m free and in recovery is someone that he would benefit from growing with. Many also have expressed they think this process will help M in the long run too, as things became static and this may needed to happen to reevaluate things and take us to the new heights we wanted and deserve.

M would have a hard time standing up for himself and dumping me, so when I was asking him if I should set the date and time, I starting thinking.. am I actually having to plan getting dumped for him? That’s not fair. This is the most emotional fragile state I’ve ever been in, and although he has every right to make that decision, and reasons to back it up, and not care about actually exercising real support that couples give each other, that’s fine. I would have to just respect the decision. I fucked up. And I knew who M was before we started dating. I just always think.. is he going to find someone else who doesn’t care about wanting basic needs and emotions and thoughts exchanged, shared, and supporting in a relationship? Abandon me, but that wouldn’t make these issues go away. Anyways, no one around him can offer me insight to his state of mind. So I fear the most devastating and hurtful decision and experience of my life is around the corner. Maybe even tomorrow. And despite our lease tomorrow until April, and the life we built together, M may just walk away from it all. Claiming he can’t trust me anymore as the main reason. And that trust is solely from hiding my addiction. Something I see now, given his reaction, why I did.

Jonathon Van Ness, in a recent podcast “Getting Curious” with an addiction specialist at UCLA discusses shame in addiction, and defines it as this idea where “if you knew this one thing about me, you wouldn’t love me anymore.” This definition makes a lot of sense, as to why I could never tell M. If he knew, I would lose his love. And his love was holding me together, and giving me hope that someday I can fix this, overcome this, get help, get better, get fit, be the best version of myself again and beyond.

But now I just wait by my phone, wondering if I should send a 3rd text. The last one was around 3pm, when my day was freeing up for the rest of the weekend. So he could have arranged to meet at any time. Maybe inviting him to the gym or a meeting was too off-putting--like i WANTED that or something. But I just want to give options since just asking for a basic plan yielded no results. I don’t know if I should leave him alone. If he needs more time. If I push, I push him farther away. Or if ignoring makes me feel insecure and think I don’t care or think about him. That I just think about using again or getting clean, and he’s not longer important. This is farthest from the truth. All I want is to not fall asleep alone in bed anymore. I want M back by my side, cuddling me and us to sleep. But even then, I fear or believe that M doesn’t feel he can do that and feel safe or comfortable anymore, even though I think he wants this again too. But the trust that’s missing is something that will come in time. Through my actions. Through my recovery. And if only he were here to hold me, he would understand that my recovery means everything. Not for him, for me. But I am his, so a better me is a better him. I just want him to know he’s loved and cared for. I don’t want him to feel alone, upset, and sad. I want him to ask questions, even yell, shame, guilt. Do what he needs to do. Isolating himself alone in his room at his parents house is not going to help him heal, with or without me.

And for some reason, as I heal, I need to know who I affected most is healing. Because the truth is: I can’t stop thinking about killing myself since this happened. Not because I want to, but because I think it’s the one thing that would end his healing process, and make his life better. Even if it meant I would lose mine. So be it.

#opiates #opioid addiction #opiod epidemic

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papermoonloveslucy · 3 years

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ALMOST EVERYONE LOVES LUCY

June 21, 1981

Lucille Ball appeared on the cover of the Cincinnati Enquirer’s TV Magazine and listings for the week of June 21 - 27, 1981. The inside article is by Matt Rousch.

BY Matt Roush, Enquirer Contributor

Loving Lucy.

Millions will attest it was their favorite pastime on Monday evenings through the '50s (diehards still talk of PTA meetings canceled in the wake of the dizzy redhead, her Cuban-bandleader hubby and her frumpish landlord-neighbors, the Mertzes), and intermittently up to the '70s.

Even more fans remain devoted today to the world's most popular funny ladies through endless reruns of her various shows, with "I love Lucy" (broadcast locally at 5 p.m. weekdays on Channel 64) the clear favorite.

But few if any can claim as devout an allegiance to the "Ball Hall of Fame" as can Bart Andrews, a prolific TV historian from Los Angeles. Loving Lucy is his obsession, and he delights in sharing it with an eager public first several years ago with a history of the "I Love Lucy" show titled Lucy and Ricky and Fred and Ethel, and now with a coffee table-sized, lush picture biography of Lucille Ball titled Loving Lucy (St. Martin's Press, $15).

According to Andrews, in a recent phone interview from his TV-trivia-cluttered home, he had a ball writing and putting the book together.

But then he should. Any man who drives a car with an "I LV LCY" license plate and who has been called an " 'I Love Lucy' junkie" by Tom Brokaw of "Today" can only thank his lucky stars (one in particular) that he is able to satiate his obsession.

And satiate it he does. When asked if the "junkie" moniker is deserved, he affirmed, "Absolutely. Without a doubt." He is more than happy to recall the year 1950, when he was about 6 years old and his family got its first TV. "I was hooked. And a year after that (when 'Lucy' premiered), my mother tells me she decided she would let us stay up on Mondays to watch Lucy. And I've watched it all those years."

Through adolescence, through college, it was Lucy. Through his writing career, which has encompassed many TV comedy scripts and 16 books including The TV Addict's Handbook, TV or not TV and The Worst TV Shows Ever, it was Lucy. Nary a day passes that Andrews doesn't watch at least one episode of Lucy's adventures on a relic of a black-and-white TV, be she a Ricardo (nee MacGillicuddy), a Carmichael or a Carter. And with her 70th birthday coming Aug. 6 and the 30th anniversary of "I Love Lucy" on Oct. 15, there seems to be no end in sight. Next?

"Would you believe an 'I Love Lucy' quiz book coming out on Oct. 15?"

Believe it or not, Andrews said that's the next "Lucy" project emanating from his pen. It will consist of 1,001 questions, including such timeless queries as "What was Ethel Mertz's middle name?" (For those who don't know, it changed as often as the Flintstones' address and was variously Louise, Roberta and May.)

In the meantime, Andrews is content to relax with his famous collection of Lucy memorabilia in what he calls his "Lucy room." A quick inventory came up with these peerless items: Lucy and Desi cufflinks, a "little Ricky" doll (one of 1 million sold in 1953) that squeaks when you squeeze it, a record of Desi Arnaz singing "Babalu" ("How can you do without such things in life?" Andrews mocked), comic books, cut-out dolls, recipe books and so on.

Oh, yes, and a red couch, of course.

Andrews said he is pleased with the considerable success of Loving Lucy, although he admitted it was a hard book to get off the ground: "I had a terrible time getting the book sold. No one had faith that another book on Lucy would sell well."

But he swore there was a market, because his first Lucy book covered only a 10-year period, and letters had poured in, asking for more pictures.

And pictures he found, in Brooklyn's Melvin Frank Archives, which had recently acquired an immense collection of Lucy photographs. (The book sports about 400 rare stills.)

"The pictures are what started the ball rolling," Andrews punned.

"Lucy doesn't even have some of these shots, and does she ever want them."

Finally, St. Martin's Press showed interest in the project, and the result is a visually pleasing light biography of a woman with more than 50 years in show business most obviously with TV, but also as an actress in more than 70 films and a hit for a time on Broadway.

In fact, part of the success of Loving Lucy may be due to its unfolding of a largely unknown career: Lucy, the discouraged drop-out drama student in New York; Lucy, the successful fashion model and Broadway chorine; Lucy, the platinum blonde heading to Hollywood as a Goldwyn girl in 1933 to be in an Eddie Cantor picture; Lucy, the starlet moving from Goldwyn to RKO where she used to pal around with Ginger Rogers; Lucy, the hard-working comedy and romantic lead of scores of films, and finally Lucy, the wife of Desi and undying star of TV.

Although Andrews is about to release his third book on the lady, he's only met Lucille Ball once. "It was while I was doing research on my first book on her in 1975," he said. "Let me tell you, it was a shock to meet her, because I was expecting Lucy Ricardo with several of her teeth blacked out. Instead, I met a serious person with little sense of humor, really."

Not much of a memory, either: "The meeting wasn't fruitful; but it was fun, don't get me wrong. It's just that her information was totally wrong. I ended up having to do all the research on my own."

But the research has enabled him to enjoy a unique perspective on Lucille Ball, her career and her appeal. Andrews has also been researching a book on situation comedies he tentatively titles Funny Business; his work with that project has convinced him that " 'I Love Lucy' is the grandmother of the situation comedy. So many came after, with types and styles that obviously didn't succeed, and you can see a return to many of the basic stock slapstick situations time and time again," he said.

"Even as a fan of Lucy, though, I doubt the show would go over so big today. The storylines would be too old-fashioned to carry today's more sophisticated audience, I imagine. But I can watch and thousands of others like me and know it was made in 1954 and keep that in mind. You get the gist of it and it's still funny."

Andrews said she is probably most often watched now by the very young. "Lucy claims she has babysat for four generations, and you can't deny that kids get so intent watching her that you can't pull them away. And they remember everything," he added, mentioning that his nieces match him question for question when it comes to Lucy trivia.

"Kids can identify with her silly and childlike behavior," he said, "but at the same time adults can find her funny because she can still maintain her dignity and beauty beneath it all.

"Lucy has a universal appeal because of the way she did things others might do like, say, getting an extra job in a candy factory. Now, that's a very fine situation, but only at the end do they get caught up in the manic slapstick on the speeding conveyor. It's a classic episode, because the writers (a fine crew who never won an Emmy, although the show and star won many) were very careful about writing logically."

Whatever the appeal, it's undeniable, as is evidenced by the ever-growing membership in a worldwide "We Love Lucy" fan club, whose president, Thomas J. Watson, co-authored Loving Lucy. (Watson's license plate reads "LUCY FAN.")

Andrews estimates the club's membership includes 500-600 Lucyphiles, who receive a bimonthly newsletter and get a button, membership card and magazine upon joining.

The organization's enthusiasm is understandable. It's not every run-of-the-mill entertainer who has been around since the TV-pioneer days of Hollywood and also has a pilot on the burner at NBC (it hasn't been picked up yet, Andrews said).

But then, that's Lucy. Hard-working, funny and silly, yet still more than a shade glamorous.

Loving Lucy is contagious. It's hard to imagine anyone who hasn't caught the bug.

#Lucille Ball #Cincinnatti #Enquirerer #Bart Andrews #I Love Lucy #TV #1981 #desi arnaz #Matt Rousch

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anghraine · 7 years

Text

“the sea that divides us” - fic

I meant to write this one through RO (well, to the point where they escape, obviously) and not post until I got there, but... *shrug*

fandom: Star Wars

characters: Baze Malbus; Jyn Erso, Cassian Andor (as Cassia), Kaytoo, Chirrut Îmwe; Jyn/Cassian (pining), Baze/Chirrut (grumpy marrieds)

verse: the queer Rogue One AU, of course, featuring f!Cassian :D

length: 2860 words

stuff that happens: Baze and Chirrut both love Jyn from the start. It’s Baze, though, who likes Cassia. After Eadu, that’s a problem.

This was driven about equally by a) the anon who first asked me about f!Cassian, ty, b) everyone who has enabled me along the way, c) the great fics I’ve gobbled up in the last couple of weeks, particularly @brynnmclean’s and @incognitajones’s, d) my interest in the different ways that Baze and Chirrut relate to Cassian and being generally charmed by You Are My People Now murderdad Baze, e) my firm opinion that some transition must have taken place between Jyn and Cassian’s fight and their arrival on Yavin as partners, and f) asthma trouble, because this AU is my happiest of happy places :D

THANK YOU ALL. Except the asthma.

“Does he look like a killer?”

“No. He has the face of a friend.”

If asked, Baze could not have explained what he saw in Cassia Andor’s face. It was sharp, hard, unsmiling, her gaze alternately suspicious or vacant. Not friendly by any stretch of the imagination. Nor was she friendly; at best, she snapped out commands without pausing to question whether they would be followed.

The face was attractive, but that had never been something to sway him. Certainly not in a woman. Her half-shy, wholly charmed looks at Jyn went further, snuck throughout the long week to Eadu.

Within those few days, he cared about Jyn as much as he had anyone but Chirrut. Baze made quick judgments and lived by them, and his snap judgment of Jyn was of a quiet firebrand fighting to survive without losing herself. He couldn’t have seen more of himself in her had she been his sister by blood; in Jyn’s circumstances, he would have been—Jyn. But in his own, he had Chirrut, and she had no one. Without thinking too much about it, he found himself sticking near her in silent solidarity.

Not quite as much as the captain did, however. The two girls constantly hovered together, amorphously concerned and not appearing to much notice.

(“Women,” Chirrut corrected, and Baze scoffed in the face of his evident amusement.

“Children, the lot of them.”)

From his supportive lurk, he couldn’t have missed Cassia’s stolen glances had he tried. He wasn’t sure how Jyn managed it, in fact. But in fairness, Cassia—who rarely missed anything—seemed no less oblivious to Jyn’s stares.

(“We’re watching a farce,” he grumbled.

“I’m not watching anything,” said Chirrut.)

Then, they reached the Imperial facility on Eadu, and … well. That happened. Baze sided with Jyn as far as he did anyone; she wasn’t right, exactly, but he remembered the bodies of the Temple’s dead too well to blame her. Cassia could spare some modicum of forgiveness for a woman she had exploited, a woman whose father had just died in her arms. Still, it didn’t alter his opinion of Cassia, either. He also remembered those last years as a Guardian, clinging to unbending faith under the grip of the Empire. That kind of conviction was not a forgiving thing, and it burned at both ends.

Captain Andor had not burned up yet, but she was well on her way. Baze knew the signs; he’d been there, and found only Chirrut on the other side. Cassia would find what? The droid? More than Jyn had, to be sure—except Jyn had herself, stubbornly whole. Cassia, cool and clear-headed, seemed to exist entirely in fragments.

“The face of a friend, eh?” Chirrut asked that night, because he always had to have the last word.

Baze thought of just agreeing—he was tired, long day, they only had three to the Rebellion, which he did not recall volunteering for—but his soul revolted.

“Yes,” he said firmly. “You’re the one who said she carts a prison with her.”

Chirrut sobered. “She does. I’m sorry for her. But this woman is more dangerous for that, not less. It doesn’t make her a friend.”

“She’s a nice girl,” insisted Baze, halfheartedly pretending that most of his attention lay with unwrapping his repeater cannon. He had space for it. On both ships, Cassia had consigned them to the one set of full quarters available—unnecessarily, but he wasn’t about to give it up to any of these twenty-something children. “They both are, underneath.”

“Far underneath,” Chirrut said. True enough. “The captain, anyway. That nice girl just about put a blaster bolt through an innocent man’s head.”

“So have I,” said Baze.

To his immense satisfaction, his husband had no answer to that. Baze, who could not care less about Galen Erso in himself, undressed and crawled into bed in an excellent mood. He closed his eyes, vaguely soothed by the clatter of Chirrut’s staff and the rustle of his robes as he tossed them aside. He’d always been incurably careless.

Baze was just drifting off when Chirrut spoke again.

“I hope you’re right.”

Longing for sleep, he grunted. “Could’ve fooled me.”

“They have choices waiting for them at the Rebel base, both of them.”

“Probably,” said Baze.

“Choices that could change the galaxy.”

He opened his eyes just so he could roll them. “Uh-huh. Go to sleep.”

All right, he didn’t believe Chirrut’s nonsense. Awake, though, he knew only too well that this Death Star business was galaxy-changing. They had to bring that thing down. For Jyn, that meant playing nice with the Alliance, and for Cassia, backing her up. He certainly didn’t pretend that his or Chirrut’s word would go far, much less an Imperial pilot’s. And the droid would tear out its own wiring if Cassia told it to.

Choices, after a fashion. It didn’t require any Force delusion to see that. And both seemed somewhat uncertain prospects at the moment. Jyn and Cassia spent the two days after their fight sulking on opposite ends of the shuttle.

Not that they said so. Jyn sat in the quiet, meditating with her crystal. Cassia talked over hyperspace lanes with Bodhi and K-2SO, and calculated coordinates.

Sulking.

Chirrut mumbled some absurdity about them finding their own paths in their own ways. But nobody had time for that. Baze stalked around the shuttle, never eager for conversation, less eager for whichever one somebody needed to have with their fearless leaders. When he ran into Cassia’s droid, it was almost a relief.

“Baze Malbus,” K-2SO intoned. “You have walked the same route seven times in the last hour.”

Baze didn’t bother responding.

With a distinct note of irritation, it added, “Is this merely a pointless waste of time and energy, or do you expect to achieve something by it? I can tell you that the odds—”

Ignoring this, he said abruptly, “Can you tell me the odds of the captain apologizing?”

Its eyes flashed, recalibrating. “That depends on more factors than you could contemplate.”

“And?”

“Without additional input, nineteen percent in generic circumstances. That number does not incorporate data relating to espionage activities. I assumed you only referred to her present role.”

“That’s right,” Baze allowed.

“Of course.”

“And how likely is an apology to Jyn?”

The droid managed to infuse deep indignation into the slight shift of its head. “What for?”

Baze and K-2SO stared at each other for long seconds. Finally acknowledging that he was unlikely to outwait a droid, Baze said,

“Galen Erso’s death.”

“Cassia did not end his life,” said K-2SO. “In violation of a directive from the acting head of Rebel Intelligence, I might add. If Jyn Erso cannot grasp that fact, it is her failure, not Cassia’s. I rate the chance of the captain apologizing at four percent.”

“That’s your analysis? Or a hunch?”

“I am a strategic analysis droid,” K-2SO snapped, its usual slouch straightening up. “I do not have hunches. Not that you deserve the details, but three percent is the margin of error I allowed for unknown variables. The raw probability is one percent. Rounded up.”

Baze eyed it skeptically.

The droid said, “Apologies indicate regret.”

“The captain likes what she does?” From what he’d seen of her, he found that extremely unlikely. Even Chirrut knew better—well, particularly Chirrut.

“It seems that your ears are decaying with your brain cells,” said K-2SO. “I did not say that. She intensely dislikes our work. But she does not regret doing anything that furthers the aims of the Rebellion. She certainly does not think she should waste our valuable time and power sources on useless guilt.” Unnecessarily, it added, “And neither do I.”

“Surprise,” Baze muttered. “So how, exactly, was Erso’s death going to further the aims of the Rebellion?”

K-2SO paused. “It wasn’t. That’s why she didn’t do it.”

And Jyn had nothing to do with it. Sure. But he didn’t feel the need to hear Jyn or himself insulted by a hunk of metal and grease, so he only replied,

“You’re telling me that she’s got nothing in that prison of hers that wasn’t for the Rebellion?”

“I don’t know what you mean by prison,” said the droid, primly. “The Empire has never caught us. But she does not do anything that isn’t for the Rebellion.”

“Never?” asked Baze, out of purely disinterested motives that had nothing to do with another young woman on the shuttle. He cleared his throat. “She doesn’t watch out for anyone unless they’re useful?”

The droid tilted its head. “Why would she?”

“Then nobody’s going to be watching out for her when she isn’t,” he said.

It managed to draw itself up into further heights of indignation. “Cassia is always useful. And she has me. I am superior to any collection of organic matter.” Muttering to itself, K-2SO swivelled and stalked off.

A jealous droid. Wonderful.

Unfortunately, Baze suspected that its judgment of their captain could be trusted. Jyn, the injured party, had a much better chance of hearing good sense.

Hearing was perhaps an overstatement. He wandered to her end of the shuttle, and stationed himself in her general vicinity. Neither said anything for a good ten minutes, though the stiff line of Jyn’s shoulders relaxed. A little.

“He must have had all sorts of information,” she said at last.

Baze eyed her from his corner. “Eh?”

“My father,” said Jyn, quite conversationally. “Imagine all the things he could have passed onto the Rebellion. Do you suppose she ever thought of that?”

“Perhaps,” he replied. The Force couldn’t be real. If it were, surely he would not be having this conversation. “Maybe it’s why she didn’t take the shot.”

Jyn’s eyes settled on him, hard and focused. “Did she send you?”

“No,” said Baze. Then he scowled. “No one sends me anywhere.”

Though she remained impenetrably grave, the wariness in her face faded. “Someone should let Chirrut know.”

Baze snorted.

They fell silent again, more comfortable with quiet companionship than speech. Beyond that, no sure approach came to Baze’s mind. Another few minutes passed before either roused themselves to speech.

“So you believe her?” Jyn asked.

“Yes,” said Baze. He would have left it at that, would very much have liked to leave it at that, but at Jyn’s ambivalent scowl, forced himself on. “I’ve seen the captain upset before, in Gerrera’s cell. But she kept a cool head.” Until she realized Jyn might get crushed to death, anyway. “She didn’t at Eadu. She was angry, unreasonable. Something shook her.”

Jyn exhaled. Tucking the crystal away, she said, “I suppose so. It could have been what happened, though. It was chaos down there.”

“She’s an assassin, Jyn,” said Baze, as kindly as he knew how. “For a cause, but—a Rebel spy. For decades, if we can trust her that far.”

Her mouth twisted. “So what’s one more dead Imperial to her?”

“I didn’t say that,” he replied, though … yes. Pretty much. “Back in our cell, she told us that she’d never been in one before. If that’s true, she’s good at what she does. Very good. A raid on an Imperial facility wouldn’t rattle her. But she was rattled.”

“Orders,” muttered Jyn. “That’s what she said.” She sounded unimpressed, but not as uncompromising as before.

Maybe.

“She’s a good soldier girl,” Baze agreed dryly. It was true enough, though; Cassia seemed to receive and deliver orders with equal intention of seeing them obeyed. “I don’t imagine they’d keep her in the field if she weren’t.”

Jyn flinched. But she said in her usual firm tone, “No place for rebels in the Rebellion?”

“They keep their secrets close, everyone knows that.” He folded his arms, knowing he stood on shaky ground and disliking it. “Their spies know enough to carry out orders, and I’d bet not a drop more, unless they run over it themselves. Rogue pilots, maybe. Rogue spies, no.”

“Cassia knew more,” she insisted. “She was the one with the intel this time.”

Baze, following his instincts, kept his mouth shut.

“If that’s why she didn’t shoot—” Jyn paused, hands and lips compressed.

He didn’t risk a direct answer. “For what it’s worth, the droid’s opinion is that she decided your father’s death wouldn’t help the Rebellion.”

Jyn, given the opportunity to deflect onto K-2SO’s many failings, ignored it. She stared up at him with pale cheeks and wide green eyes, looking impossibly young.

“That would mean that Cassia believed me. Believed that Father didn’t deserve to die. She didn’t … she … ”

“Captain Andor is the only one who can answer that,” said Baze.

Jyn didn’t seem to hear. “If she trusts me, then—they’ll listen if she backs me up. Her commanding officer’s a general and the leader of the Rebellion introduced her to me. We have to get those plans.”

With some skepticism, Baze listened to the exact conclusion he’d hoped she would reach. “True.”

“And …”

Jyn seemed content to let the sentence trail into the infinity of space. He cleared his throat.

“And?”

Colour flooded her cheeks. She tilted her chin up, hope and determination hardening over her face.

“Trust goes both ways.”

Baze had the good sense to leave Jyn to her epiphany. Considerably more doubtful about Cassia’s end of the business, he arrived in the cockpit to find Bodhi gone and Chirrut perched in the co-pilot’s seat, amidst various switches and signals and technological paraphernalia. He looked both ridiculous and smug, and Cassia more haunted than usual.

“What did you do to the pilot?”

“Nothing,” said Chirrut virtuously. “The poor man fell asleep.”

Cassia lifted her gaze to Baze. “Bodhi just about collapsed once he had nothing more to do. He’s had a long few weeks.”

“One way of putting it,” muttered Baze.

“I know these routes, anyway,” she went on, “so I can manage well enough from here.”

Remembering their escape from the Death Star’s destruction, he said, “Right. Where’d you stash him?”

“The captain carried him to a bunk,” said Chirrut. He tapped his staff against the floor, the familiar rhythm both irritating and soothing. “I didn’t see it.”

Baze rolled his eyes. Chirrut aside, he couldn’t envision it. Bodhi Rook might not be a large man, but neither was Cassia Andor a large woman. At most, she stood at the tallish end of average, a good few inches shorter than Baze. He suspected she’d lost muscle mass lately—all her regulation clothes hung on her—but her frame would never have been anything but narrow.

“Carried?”

“He was still conscious,” Cassia said. “More or less. I helped him.”

Unperturbed, Chirrut smiled. “The captain is stronger than she seems.”

Cassia slanted him a wary glance. Since Baze would have felt exactly the same in her position, and often did in his own, he let it pass.

Behind him, the door to the cockpit slid open. He half-expected the pilot had already woken, but no: it was Jyn. Good, he thought.

Maybe good.

Jyn slouched into the chamber. She didn’t seem to have thought beyond that; for one long and intensely uncomfortable moment, she and Cassia just stared at each other.

“Any news?” she said.

“No,” said Cassia, her gaze not so much as twitching from Jyn. She wet her lip. “There won’t be, barring a disaster.”

“Good, then.” Utterly stoic, Jyn folded her arms. “Nothing from the Force either, Chirrut?”

The Force doesn’t work that way, Baze almost said, but closed his mouth on it. It wouldn’t work that way if it were real, which it wasn’t.

“No,” Chirrut said. With a tap of his staff, he rose to his feet, while choices that could change the galaxy ran through Baze’s head. Chirrut had his own concept of truth. “Thank you for your time, captain. I enjoyed our conversation.”

“I’m delighted,” said Cassia. If Baze had ever heard a drier tone, nothing came to mind.

Chirrut beamed in her direction nevertheless, nodded in Jyn’s, and headed to the door. Without a word, Baze trailed after him, only pausing once to glance back.

Jyn had flung herself into the co-pilot’s seat, the rigid set of her shoulders just visible from the angle of the chair. Cassia remained in her own seat, her body stiffly upright, and the entirety of it tilted towards Jyn.

The girls might be all right, after all.

“You enjoyed your conversation with the captain,” Baze said, once they accumulated a good distance from the cockpit. They’d never lost money underestimating Imperial craftsmanship.

Chirrut, graceful as ever, seated himself on the nearest bench.

“We had a nice talk.”

“I thought you didn’t like her,” said Baze.

“I never said that.” Chirrut leaned his head against the wall of the shuttle and smiled. Of course he did.

With nothing better to do, Baze sunk onto the bench beside him. It occurred to him that Bodhi was asleep somewhere, Jyn and Cassia busy brooding at each other in the cockpit, the droid off doing whatever it was it did. There was nobody here to draw conclusions or scent vulnerability. Not that Jyn and Cassia … well, they’d see about Jyn and Cassia. If they lived long enough.

Very casually, he slung his arm about Chirrut’s shoulders.

“You’re an old fool,” he said gruffly.

Chirrut, not bothering with subtlety, leaned against him. “You should know.”

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