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captain-danwilds · 3 years

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I’ve been waiting for so long (to feel like I’m home)

A RBB 2021 Fic AO3 Accompanying Art by @mareofthesky

Summary: Palmetto Public Hospital was just supposed to be another meaningless stop in Neil Josten's life. He doesn't have a reason to keep running to a new hospital every few months, but that doesn't mean he's learned how to stay. And there's something about the rest of the staff on the burn ward that makes him want to try, especially the physical therapist.

This fic was written for the 2021 AFTG Reverse Big Bang. Thank you @gluupor for organizing! I had the joy of being paired with @mareofthesky. She’s absolutely incredible, both as an artist and as a human being. I seriously couldn’t ask for someone better.

This work takes place in a hospital in pre-COVID times. I am not a nurse, doctor or physical therapist, let alone a burn survivor. I do not know everything they go through. I’ve tried to be as accurate as possible, but recognize that I’m going to be wrong about some things. There’s only so far research can take you.

While I don’t think this work is more graphic than canon, it does deal with some distressing stuff, namely: burns, blood, hospitals, child abuse, violence, panic attacks, hurt/comfort, torture, mutilation of corpses (referenced) and Baltimore references.

Nathaniel Wesninski was thirteen when his mother almost died.

In another universe, this would have been the thing that killed her. She would have gotten her hands-on fake passports and they would have traveled across Europe until he was fourteen and Stefan got shot in Germany. But they would have still ended up in Seattle, her blood spilling on the leather seat as her son drove down the coastline.

In this world, their plans to head to Europe fell through quickly. There hadn't been a couple million dollars to pave the way, just two desperate souls fleeing in the night because Nathaniel couldn't live up to the standards his father set for him.

Nathan Wesninski was the head of his own empire, eager for his son to take over. There was no Yakuza demanding a show of loyalty. If Nathaniel had shown promise, he would have been able to take over the family operation.

The problem was, in both worlds, Nathaniel hadn't shown promise. It took years for him to learn how to watch his father butcher a man without crying. He could never master Lola's style of knife play, refusing to draw out the pain any more than strictly necessary. As he got older, his eyes would go stony, his hands moving automatically. But he was moving through water. He barricaded himself into his own head so that he didn't register the stickiness of the blood on his hands until he'd left the basement. The sound of screams became so ubiquitous, he could tune it out. There was no joy, certainly no drive to continue the Butcher's legacy.

He had merely nodded when his father had announced he expected Nathaniel to take care of the traitor in his ranks. He kept his feet trained on the floor, on the puddles of blood slowly inching toward the central drain.

But Mary saw the gleam on her husband's face, the unspoken or else. She also happened to know the traitor in question. One of the servants who liked to sneak Nathaniel snacks while he worked on his homework. There was no way that Nathaniel could force himself to do it. He'd be left with new scars if he was lucky. Knowing her husband and his current frustration over territory losses, Nathaniel wasn’t going to be lucky.

So she'd grabbed what she could, contacted the few contacts she had with her family that could do good work for cheap and escaped into the night.

When they met Nathan and his ilk in Seattle, they had only been on the run for three years. Linda and Alex, their 8th set of names, had settled into the type of neighborhood where no one noticed another kid with desperation in their eyes, where no one had the energy to poke into anyone else's business during the break between second and third jobs. Alex was fine, good at following orders, a natural at stitches. He could blend in just fine, answer questions the right way, but he certainly wasn't ready to start out on his own.

For every time they successfully changed identities, he complained about not joining the track team or jostled against the restrictions of coming home directly after school without hanging on the monkey bars or meeting friends. For all their time on the run, for all the times she'd tried to beat it out of him, Alex was still a child.

And even if he had been ready to stake out on his own. A child, especially one as small as Alex, would always draw attention when traveling alone.

Despite that, he had been able to drive the beaten down car, the phone book stacked beneath him giving him just enough extra height to see the road. His maneuvering was perfect as he weaved through traffic. They hadn't spent weeks training as Caroline and Sam in backroads lined with corn in Iowa for him to fail when escape was their only option.

Mary applied pressure to the bullet wound with one hand and frantically called the local FBI office with her other. Her family might have been able to help her, but she wouldn't live to see them arrive from England. In dire circumstances one had to make do.

And Mary had years’ worth of insider information of her husband's dealing she could easily trade for her treatment at a hospital and her son's continued safety.

So Nathaniel was 13 when his mother almost died, and he entered the witness protection program. He was thirteen when he became Neil Josten.

"Isn't it too similar to his real name?" Mary huffed, giving the trio sent to her hospital room a jaunty smile.

The mousy-haired social worker pushed up her glasses as she gave them a placating smile. "We find young children tend to adapt better when allowed some connection to their genuine selves."

Mary had rolled her eyes, but Neil had merely frowned. He had no idea what she meant by genuine self. Was he supposed to be like creative like Sam? Or logical like Owen? His life had been a mass of contradictions. The only thing he knew for certain was he didn't want to be brutal like Nathaniel.

The only thing he'd consistently been his entire life was scared.

He was fifteen by the time arrests were started to be made in Baltimore.

"You needed two years for that?" Mary spat as she talked to their handler over the phone from their Millport townhouse. "Fucking Moorhouse and Redler?

Neil dutifully filled out his homework as he sat sprawled out in the living room with the patio door open so he could smell his mother's cigarettes as she badgered tonight's lucky caller.

"I would have thought that you'd have something more to show for yourselves. Truly the incompetence is astounding."

Neil smirked as Mary's natural brogue colored her words. She could speak half a dozen languages with the precision of a local but rile her up enough and anyone would be able to tell she’d spent her childhood running wild in Manchester.

Neil pressed his pencil hard into the paper as he underlined yet another one of the rules for pickleball. Sure he couldn't even run around the neighborhood anytime soon, let alone play a game he's actually interested in, but the epitome of his online gym education truly was learning rules and regulations for sports he wasn't even sure were real.

"I'm allowed to lie on this one right?" He sarcastically asked his caseworker as he laid out the exercise tracker worksheet. "Like I'm not about to put myself in federal custody for claiming I have access to an Exy court? Since you guys said I had to be totally honest and everything"

She had rolled his eyes at him, but she didn't ask about Mary's late night phone calls to Uncle Stuart, so Neil took it for the win it was.

In another world, he was nineteen when his father’s people found them. Instead, he was fifteen. Fifteen with a limited skill-set since there are things that can be taught on the run that can’t be taught in a small flat under government surveillance.

The only bright side was that in this world, there was no car. He was not crammed in a trunk with Lola tool close, practically grinding on top of him as she reminded him how much he looked like his father. It’s a small victory.

Instead there’s screaming and knives and he had to watch. He had to watch with his heart in his throat as Romero showed no mercy. Watch as his mother died, watch until he can’t recognize her corpse anymore.

They took enjoyment in this. Lola’s practically laughed as he slammed into the wall, as she dragged her knife down his chest.

Neil spit in Lola’s face as she poured the gasoline. With his squirming, it only managed to douse half his body, but it was enough to finally wrench the screams from his throat as the flames bit into his flesh.

He was scared. He fought back anyway.

But that really wouldn’t have changed in either world.

The bullets that finally came, that finally bring everything to an end, did not come from his Uncle in revenge.

Instead they are fired by federal officers aiming to main so as not to lose the opportunity to interrogate the criminals that might have enough knowledge to bring all of East Coast’s organized crime to its knees.

The weeks that followed weren’t kind to him. Neil saw the pictures later and he didn’t even recognize his own face.

But for once, the people were kind. Kind enough to give him hope even as the rest of the world collapsed around him.

Somewhere else a scared boy finds his family and himself at nineteen on an Exy court. In this world, Neil Josten is twenty-six and finds them in a hospital. This is that story.

"It really was lucky that we found you with such short notice."

In general, Neil Josten didn't believe in luck. He certainly wouldn't call it luck when Palmetto Public Hospital had posted exactly the type of job he looked for on all the travel nurse job boards. Just desperate sounding enough to cause people to not ask too many questions, while professional enough to not make a big deal of his scars.

Neil took Chief Nurse Danielle Wilds' hand with a carefully constructed smile on his face. "I'm glad I'm able to help. Although I was under the impression, I'd be your replacement."

Wilds let out as a laugh as she seemed to instinctively cradle her baby bump. "My husband, Matt, you'll be working with him too, thinks I'm being ridiculous, wanting to show you around myself, but I'd truly hate for you to get the wrong impression of us."

Neil just barely kept himself from rolling his eyes. Every hospital thought they were so special. Like a family or some shit. Every hospital was wrong.

Procedure might differ slightly, and some places had more people worth avoiding. But in the end, all that mattered was that the nurses showed up, did their job and offered some kindness. Even if he’s no Abby, even if his version of kindness wasn’t so much sympathy as it is experience, kindness was essential.

He can never claim to know exactly what the patients are going through. Even if they showed up with third degree burns down half their body, a punctured lung, a broken arm and some knife wounds, he wouldn’t really know. He’d just know they’d hurt like hell. Even if the injuries were the same, their story would be very different.

No one breaks the same way.

Still the things a broken person can say to another broken person can often carry more weight.

It’s one thing to offer sympathy. It’s another entirely to nod in understanding that your body doesn’t entirely feel like yours anymore, that it might never feel like yours, but you just have to keep going forward.

Over the years, Neil got very good at moving forward.

Neil tossed his running shoes by the door. It took him less than ten minutes for Neil to add his things to the furnished apartment. He'd discovered only two hospitals ago that people ask less questions if his clothes weren't covered in wrinkles from staying packed. So Neil haphazardly moved the folded scrubs onto the cheapest hangers he could find.

3:08 PM I'm all moved in.

The responding string of smiley faces to Neil's message was instantaneous despite the fact it was the middle of the afternoon and Abby was likely still on shift. (Or maybe precisely because she was on shift and had her phone on to stay up to date on patients as opposed to cutting herself off from the rest of the world to try and squeeze out some sleep.)

He didn't feel guilty per say as he closed his phone. Abby knew better to expect much from him.

"Kiddo, I'm going to take what I can get. I understand you aren’t used to having someone in your corner." She said as she bundled him up for college, doing far more than anyone had expected of her.

Well he should have expected it of her. Abby had practically laughed in his case worker's face when Cindy had brought up the different moveout options for when Neil turned 18.

It was a strange thing to have someone, even if he kept her at arm's length.

It's for her own good. The little traitorous voice in his head whispered.

Logically, Neil knew that Abby was already in too deep. Anyone, including any of his father's men seeking retribution could find her by simply looking for his file. He didn't need to maintain a relationship with her in order for Abby to be at risk. She had housed him during the trial. That would be enough for them. There was no need to push her away, to prevent her from actually knowing him.

But he felt a little bad that she knew him well enough to not ask why he had a new number or what his address was. Moving so soon after getting a housewarming package of cookies hadn’t been an overreaction and he stood by that.

When he finally met him, Matt was more of an overexcited puppy than an actual person. He dragged Neil down to the cafeteria every day they shared a break. Matt carried the conversation easily needing only the slightest input from Neil to keep going. He talked about any and everything, from college exploits to TV shows to worries that he wouldn’t be a good dad.

“It’s not like I had the best example, you know?” Matt joked even as his eyes are serious.

Neil nodded, understanding a bit too well. “Still an example. Just an example of one way to fuck up. You’ll be fine.”

He ducked his head as Matt beamed too brightly at him.

Words were a weapon he’s used to, but everything about conversations with Matt felt wrong.

Matt made him feel unbalanced. He offered up genuine parts of himself so easily. Neil wished he had something to give him in return for his easy friendship and trust, but even what was safe to say felt like it belonged to a different person entirely, a person he didn’t want to be anymore.

And what was left after that? The fact he didn’t like books or movies or vegetables. It wasn’t a fair trade. Matt shouldn’t be content to accept the breadcrumbs Neil offers in return for his raw insecurities.

But he was.

And that made Neil want to try. Try to force himself into a person Matt deserved, someone real.

Creating that person was fucking exhausting.

After two weeks, he had more than enough. Neil had a bag lunch and a mission.

Neil slipped into the stairwell without anyone spotting him and headed up. He might be able get onto the roof. But he would settle for just one of the upper floors. As long as there was no well-meaning coworker attempting to engage him in the break room or bring him down to the cafeteria, Neil would consider it a win.

The door marked “Roof Access – Maintenance Staff Only" looked like it should be locked. But a few jiggles of the handle had it opening easily enough.

The roof wasn't empty like he expected. Instead there's a figure sitting cross-legged near the front edge of the roof. Even from here, Neil could tell the man is short. Small but not delicate. Probably a former athlete from the width of his shoulders, the bulk visible even through the loose black scrubs. His short blonde hair is slightly windswept, enough so that he can see the man’s black earrings.

Neil tried to place him. He is not the best with names. He didn't see the point of attempting to remember when he’d be gone soon. But Dan had wanted to introduce him to everyone, saying something about them not being a whole bunch of "do-nothings" and it would do him some good to know the typical inhabitants of the burn ward.

Allison had taken that a step farther. Probably because she wanted gossip and hearing vague descriptions wasn't very helpful to her.

Neil stared for a second, cataloguing the man from behind, before it clicked.

Andrew Minyard, Physical Therapist.

”Monster Minyard” Allison said as she brought him around with her one day, telling him everything he should know about his new coworkers. “Bites worse than his bark. If he wasn’t so good with hopeless cases or getting rid of particularly overbearing visitors, I wouldn’t even know why we kept him around.”

The little Neil’s seen already was more than enough to know Andrew’s good.

The only way the nickname seemed to fit at all was that the man was intimidating when he wanted to be, that he could turn himself into a threat with ease. Neil had seen him practically threaten a relative with a scalpel to the chest before turning on the dime and gently helping the patient bend the joints covered with skin grafts.

But the most remarkable thing was how Andrew always let his patients set the pace.

There were sections of his own skin where Neil had lost sensation. There were days when they'd ache or itch, but he couldn't feel much beyond heat. He'd nearly decked the first doctor who touched his arm without warning him. Neil hadn't even realized he was there until the hand moved to a less ravaged spot. Everything about it had made him feel unsteady. He couldn't rely on his body to stand guard for him anymore.

But Minyard never let his patients be surprised. He narrated everything he did before he did it. Nothing was a surprise. They could say no if they didn't feel ready or if something hurt particularly bad that day. He was flexible with the patients in a way he never was with the staff.

Neil hadn't actually heard Minyard utter a word that wasn't directly related to their jobs. He moved silently through the halls, meeting attempts to socialize with deep scowls.

Maybe he'd be better off scouting out somewhere else. There was no rule that Minyard owned the roof. But Neil was also used to spotting dangerous people and everything about Minyard screamed trouble.

“What are you doing up here?”

Neil hadn’t realized Andrew had even known he was up here yet. He didn’t bother turning when Neil forced the door open.

“Trying to avoid company.” Neil moved across the room until he sat next to Andrew. They’re not quite at the edge, but there’s no guardrail. It’s unnerving.

Andrew gave a soft grunt of acknowledgement, still not looking at him.

“What are you doing on the roof?”

“Used to smoke. Never broke the habit.”

Neil merely nodded as he unwrapped his sandwich.

Andrew tilted his head just slightly to the side. “I thought that you’d be put off by smoking.”

“Is it bad to say I like the smell?”

Andrew’s nose scrunched ever so slightly. "You lie. All the time."

Neil only nodded again at the accusation.

This time it isn’t quite a lie. He did like the smell. It’s not quite the same as the Lucky Strikes his mother would blow through after she thought he was asleep. But it’s close, certainly a lot closer than the smell of burning human flesh.

But it's not like Minyard's wrong either. He did lie all the time. Sometimes it felt like lying came easier than breathing.

The rest of the staff hadn’t seemed as bothered about the lies. They were practically amused by them. Neil had smirked when he passed the break room and overheard them sharing some of the most outrageous ones.

“I heard him say to 402’s kid that he was trying to steal treasure from a palace guarded by lava, and he hadn’t been able to jump far enough on his way out.

“At least that one’s child appropriate, he told 407 that was a victim of secret government trials of new chemical warfare weapons. As if anyone with a brain couldn’t tell those were accelerant flame not pure chemical burns.” Allison added.

No one mentioned “International Jewel Thief tortured for trade secrets.” And Seth didn’t bring up “I dabbled in porn to get through college. Got a bit too into temperature play” even if it had made patient 406 laugh uproariously. It was almost a shame his best lies were unappreciated.

They’d even started a bet on what the real reason could be. It would never be settled since it required asking him directly and none of them would do that. They all liked to pretend to have morals even as they bet on everything under the sun. Besides what sort of example would it set to their patients? The one staff member that actually looked like them and yet they couldn’t even show basic decency with regards to his privacy.

Maybe they have a whole separate bet about who’s finally going to work up the courage. Neil didn’t think any of them had put money on that person being Minyard.

Minyard turned to face Neil for the first time, "Tell me something true."

It wasn’t concern on Minyard's face. The look in his eyes barely qualified as interested, but Neil still wanted to answer him. He didn’t know what to say but he can't dismiss the fact that he wanted to answer. It was easy to admit to himself he doesn't typically want anything.

"I don't see the point of icebreakers."

Minyard tapped his fingers aggressively against the roof. "I'm not asking for party tricks. I'm asking for something true."

Neil wasn't sure he even had something true to offer. What does that mean when he existed as a lie stacked atop another lie? The things he’s already told Matt don’t hold enough substance to be something true.

"I didn't even think about becoming a nurse until after all this." He gestured to himself. He can't call it an accident even if that would make it simpler.

It was no accident where Lola pressed the dashboard lighter into his face, no accident in the way she poured the gasoline. Every one of her actions had been designed to cause him the maximum amount of pain. This wasn’t an accident.

"My roommate forced me into PT. Thought that since it was his new purpose in life, it would be mine too."

"It's not like he was wrong."

"You disgust me Josten."

"I mean you can't be so good at your job without feeling something."

"It's more interesting than other options."

"So you like it then." Neil teased easily.

“Give me one good reason to not push you off the side.”

"Just try. I'd drag you with me. It's a long way down.”

It grew from there. Going to the roof was no longer about avoiding the others by spending time with Minyard, but instead about just talking with Andrew. Eating on the roof together felt easy. The conversation had rules. Answer for answer, truth for truth. There was no awkward imbalance or a desire to be something more for Andrew. They could just talk.

Neil practically collapsed into his spot on the roof with his lunch in hand. He was painfully aware of how he’d gradually crept closer since their first conversation. "Why'd you choose Palmetto?"

"Brother didn't want me in Chicago."

Neil’s head shot up from the banana he was peeling. "You have a brother?"

Andrew glared as if to say it isn't your turn idiot.

He raised his hands in mock surrender. "All right I get it. Go on. Ask your question."

"And if I think we should be done for the day?"

Neil shrugged. "I can wait."

And he could. With each day spent on the roof, Neil only craved to know more about Andrew. But he liked what they had and wouldn't dare ruin that with his impatience. The roof felt safe in a way the rest of the hospital didn't.

Andrew grunted. “What's with the orange?"

Neil rolled his eyes. "You gave me a hard time for my question and you're asking that?"

"That wasn't an answer."

"And if I just like orange?"

"You're being ridiculous."

They sat in silence for a while before Neil offered up more.

"College colors. Just never outgrew them I guess. They make me feel..."

Safe wasn't the right word. He practically spent all of college categorizing every exit on campus. Like he was a part of something feels wrong too. He left his apartment for class and an ever-changing cubicle in the library. There wasn't a whole lot to be a part of.

But Andrew nodded anyway like he actually finished the thought instead of trailing off into silence. "Feeling is dangerous."

Andrew's words were simple, but Neil could tell from the way he looked at the edge of the roof that they meant something more. It was a confession and an accusation wrapped all into one.

"So is not feeling. What are you supposed to keep living for if everything is grey and I say that as someone who actually likes grey."

Andrew scoffed, but didn’t say anything more.

Even knowing that Andrew had a mysterious estranged brother couldn’t make Neil break the silence. It wasn’t that he was afraid of pressing too far. Andrew wouldn’t let him. But he knew what it’s like to feel exposed and Andrew had already shared more than usual today.

They sat in comfortable silence until a pager goes off.

Neil wasn’t sure what the others think about the two of them.

The hospital chaplain with her oddly died hair likes to smile at him whenever she came to their floor. He thought she might be friends with Andrew, but he didn’t really care what she thought as long as she stayed out of his way.

Matt complained that he never got to eat with his new buddy anymore, but Neil wasn’t sure the rest of them even noticed.

They must have though, because their friendship was no longer confined to the roof. There were conversations in the hallways, extra food left in the break room that Neil certainly hadn’t brought himself, jokes cracked in the locker room when only Neil could hear. What they had wasn’t something that could be easily hidden away.

It certainly helped that they shared patients. They could walk down the hallway, a patient between them and debate plans for the zombie apocalypse. 402, Luis Hernandez, was a particular good sport about it, even if he was a bit too moral about the end of the world.

Neil did not have soft spots for patients. He was the epitome of professionalism. But he could admit that he liked how he had an excuse to talk to Andrew longer with Hernandez around.

"You don't have to like your scars you know?" Neil said lightly as he perched next to Hernandez’s bed, grabbing more antibiotic for the man's face. "Don't have to hate them either."

Hernandez gave a half-hearted shrug, clearly trying to stay still while gesturing to the brochures in his lap. "Everyone keeps bringing up plastic surgery."

Neil hummed. “They're going to keep doing that. I'm not saying they're an eyesore or even particularly noticeable.” He uncapped a new jar of ointment. “It’s just easier for them if they can pretend it never happened. No scars. No problem.”

“But that doesn’t mean-“

“I’m not saying it would. People are just good at ignoring what isn’t directly in front of them. And if they’re forced to see it, they have to actually acknowledge you’ve been through some shit.”

"It doesn't change what happened."

“They see something wrong, keep trying to find ways to fix things even if you don't particularly think you're broken.”

"And if I want to be fixed?"

"Then that's on you. You're recovering quicker than we expected. I don't see why you wouldn't respond positively to cosmetic treatment." Neil sighed as he laid down the old wrappings "You've just got to be the one to want it. You've gone through too much to want to start living for anyone else now."

He heard a cough behind him and only barely resisted the urge to whip around. Instead he waited until he’d finished smearing the antibiotic across this section of the man’s chest. He turned to see Andrew leaning easily against the doorframe.

“You’re good to take lunch when you’re done here.”

Neil looked upwards and Andrew nodded.

It took very little time for Neil to finish knowing that Andrew would be waiting for him on the roof.

“Did you seriously believe all that shit you were telling Hernandez?”

Neil looked at his lap where his unopened lunch sat. He suddenly wasn’t feeling particularly hungry. “People always look at the scars. Drove me mad with their staring. Hard to be invisible when you’re this fucking distinctive.”

Andrew snorted. “The scars are the least of your problems then.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Neil felt the weight of Andrew’s stare as it slowly scanned up and down his body. He huffed, wanting an actual answer.

“Are you an idiot?”

“Considering you call me that about six times a week, yes?”

Andrew angled his body toward Neil instead of the steep drop of the roof. “People find you attractive.” He shrugged, “I’d blow you.”

The confession was dropped in the middle of the conversation so easily as if it didn’t send Neil’s entire world spinning. He dug his hands into his legs trying to focus himself in any way he could.

“You like me."

"I hate you," Andrew corrected him, but Neil barely heard him, even as the other men left.

Neil got to work slightly ahead of schedule, rolled his eyes slightly at the night nurse giving him the pedantic recap of today's patients, somehow managing to drone on for ten minutes without saying anything of actual value.

Andrew would be in later, he thought absentmindedly as he washed his hands. They might be able to coordinate their breaks if he was lucky. And you might even be able to convince him at gunpoint that lately he was pretty lucky. (Although that might also be because Matt was managing the schedules and his smile was a bit too knowing.)

Still today shouldn’t be too bad. There was only so much on the burn ward he hadn’t seen before and if they had had new patients, they weren’t any of his.

412's patient was a finnicky older woman who only seemed to be living out of pure spite. She'd been in a few days now and Neil's sharp tongue had done little to endear himself to her. So it was truly a matter of his job security to get in and out as quickly as possible. If he had to hear one more complaint about ungrateful grandchildren or idiot politicians, he would snap.

The television was turned up loud in order to reach the women's bed. Despite insisting her hearing was just fine thank you very much, this meant the news could be heard down the hall. Still, Neil had gotten used to putting his head down and doing his own business.

There were enough signs that he should have known. After all, he knew it had to be interesting in order to keep Linda from complaining about the slight pinch as he repositioned her IV.

He should have heard it before he turned around to see his father's face plastered across the screen with the bold red font "Serial Killer Nathan Wesninski found dead in Baltimore Penitentiary." They'd chosen one of the trial photos as opposed to the mugshot. He looked handsome in his expensive suit with the smile he only pulled out at the business parties that left Neil sore for days.

His feet were moving before he fully registered what the headline read.

It was pure instinct to put as much distance as he could between himself and his father as possible even if it was just the picture.

Neil couldn't hear the clatter as he knocked over one of the vases. He was sure Linda was having a conniption, but he couldn’t hear it. He’s not here anymore.

He was thirteen again. And his father wore a much more dangerous grin, the kind that meant no mercy.

Neil's hands were covered in blood as he dragged his mother to the car. Hands digging into her chest as if he could force her to stay with him.

He was eight and his father had crossed the line that was even too much for his mother.

His hands shook as he tried to thread his own needle. He held the needle with his mouth, trying to thread it with one hand and using the other to force the wound together. There was just so much blood and not enough time.

You can't stop running.

He thought he heard someone calling his name. Too close. He’s too close.

You're never safe.

He darted through the closest door. It was a dead end, but it was out of sight.

When you fight back, do so quietly and quickly. You cannot risk attracting another opponent Abram.

He forced himself into the corner. There should be something here, anything really to block the door. But he didn’t see anything, and he heard footsteps. Resounding thuds against the linoleum floor. They were too close.

And if you can’t run. You hide. You hide until I come get you.

There’s space on the lower shelf. It wasn’t very big, but he’s always been small. It should be just big enough. Neil shoved the folded bedsheets and patient gowns out of the way. He would look out of place, easy enough to find if someone cared to look hard enough, but for now he just hugged his knees to his chest.

Everything felt like it’s moving too fast. His heart was pounding so loudly he’s sure it’s about to give him away. His mind wasn’t even forming full thoughts anymore, just racing ahead of him. He squeezed himself even tighter as if he can force out the emotions.

He only vaguely felt his right hand digging into his left arm over the burn scars. He knew he should stop. He hadn’t picked at them in years, tried not to irritate them more than necessary so they didn’t draw attention to him. But it’s not like it mattered now. He’d be dead soon. He should be worrying about if Abby would be able to find the body and how long it’d take the hospital to notify her since after everything she was still his emergency contact.

He should have tried to think his way out of this.

But he couldn’t get his thoughts to stop for a fucking second. Just one second might be enough to find a miracle. But even if Neil Josten had ever deserved a miracle, he’d used up his share. He’d made it to twenty-six. But now, he was going to die.

He knows it won’t be a painless death. There’s only so much a human body could take, a line at which point the mind can’t comprehend the pain anymore. But Nathan Wesninski knew the line and played it like a violin. He’d want to take his time, really make his son feel every inch of his displeasure. There was no way Neil would be able to contain his screams for long enough to satisfy him. His father would risk getting him out of this hospital if it meant he could take his time.

Neil wouldn’t let himself be taken. To lose consciousness now was to accept a long painful death. He would not leave this hospital, not ever again. He would take a quick painful death over a long painful one any day.

But to get a quick death though he needed to be here. And he couldn’t seem to force himself to be. He kept seeing flashes of other moments.

Blood snaking down toward the drain of their concrete basement. Romero’s fingernails digging into his skin as Lola brandished her knife. His father’s grin menacing and horrible.

It spoke to his terror that he didn’t notice when the door opened.

"Hey." The voice is soft, gentle in a way the Butcher of Baltimore was never capable of sounding even when he was playing pretend as a productive member of society.

Still the sound has Neil's head shooting up, just to be sure. Andrew is standing with his back to the door.

"You're Neil Josten. You're in the supply closet at Palmetto Public Hospital. You're safe." The words wrapped around him like a caress.

It felt less like he was drowning.

Neil still couldn’t move, so he just stared. Stared as Andrew moved forward, every step light, his arms raised in front of him to show his empty hands.

Andrew repeated the refrain as he squatted down near Neil's hiding spot in the linens. His hazel eyes stared into Neil's. They're warm like sunlight, like they could cut through the shadow of Neil's soul.

"It’s over. You're safe. Can you breathe with me?"

Neil didn't move. He couldn’t force his tongue to wrap around the words, couldn’t even decide what the words should be.

"We're going to do this together." Andrew shifted from his squat to sitting cross-legged next to him. He's close to the shelving unit, but he wasn’t trying to force Neil out. Andrew exaggerated his own breathing.

He didn’t know how long they sit there before Neil feels his own breathing falling in sync. They're not deep breaths. Just shallow rasps, but he's trying.

Andrew put his hand out in front of him. "Can I touch you?"

He nodded haltingly.

Neil didn’t move away when Andrew gently cupped the side of his face, running a finger over the puckered skin. “You’re not there.” His voice was soft, but it practically echoed in the small closet.

When Neil nodded this time, it feels more natural.

Neil shifted in his position on the lowest shelf. He wiggled his limbs slowly, taking stock of all ten toes and fingers. He's all in one piece. He's fine.

He didn’t know what Andrew sees in his glance, but he's happy when Andrew backs up so he can crawl out of the shelving unit. "Yes or no?"

He hated how broken his voice sounded. His father wasn't even here. His father was dead. He shouldn't sound so lost.

Andrew's stare was penetrating. "To what? I'm not going to kiss you. You're having a mental breakdown Josten."

Neil bit his lip. That hadn't been what he was thinking of at all. He almost wished he had been, because it would have been nice to just lose himself in the sensation, let his body be consumed with raw need for Andrew until there was no room for fear.

"Just touching you. Leaning on you."

Neil knew Andrew didn't like being touched. It felt wrong to want to envelop himself in Andrew, to even ask knowing that, but he's desperate.

"It's a yes," Andrew said as he settled down again legs extended in front of him.

Neil curled easily against his side, Neil's head resting in the crook of his neck. It's nice to sit there just listening to Andrew breathing, knowing that there will never be a future where Nathan Wesninski will get his hands on this bright spot in his son's world.

"I should be happier."

"Bullshit. There is no should."

"He's dead. He's finally dead. That has to mean something."

Andrew adjusted himself to free one of his hands. He threaded it easily through Neil's hair. "Maybe someday it will. When was the last time you thought about him before today?"

Neil wanted to snap back that he'd never stopped thinking about his father, that every decision he made was just one in a long way of keeping himself safe from Nathan Wesninski and his subordinates. But he couldn't. For the last month or so, Palmetto had felt safe.

He'd spent nights marathoning movies in Andrew's apartment and stolen moments on the roof. He treasured Matt's laughter and the yell of joy at grocery deliveries that was quickly hushed because babies are fickle things that never stop crying. He even thought of Allison trying to convince him to let her take him shoe shopping.

Slowly Neil had built something, something untouched by his father. And then his gloating face had come crashing into it, ruining something even in death.

Andrew took his silence as a sign that he was right. “They come where they aren’t wanted. Doesn’t mean they get to stay.

Neil hummed and leaned more of his weight onto Andrew.

“Do you have any other clothes?”

Neil looked up at him confused.

“You’re not staying here,” Andrew said as if talking to a small child.

Neil pushed himself into a standing position, bouncing slightly on the balls of his feet to try to give credence to his protests. “I’m fine. I’ve got a whole shift ahead of me.”

Andrew glared. “I’m taking care of that.”

Neil wanted to call bullshit, but he didn’t.

He let himself be manhandled into the locker room where Andrew tossed him some clothes. The black sweats are too short, but the sweatshirt hung comfortably off him. The grey material smelt like Andrew, so he hugged it tighter to himself as he waited for him to get back.

He didn’t jump when Andrew wrapped an arm around him and directed him toward the parking lot.

Maybe he was just done feeling, because he couldn’t even find it in himself to be surprised by the GS Andrew pushed him into. It was much nicer than anything a PT should be able to afford.

They drove in silence. At first, Neil stared out the window letting the surroundings blur as they got on the highway. Eventually though he shifted to stare at Andrew. Neil wasn't sure how long it had been when Andrew finally pulled off the highway into a dingy gas station. The sun had set at some point, but that wasn't much of a clue. Neil didn't even bother to check the clock when Andrew turned the car back on with his hands full of junk food.

"Do you want to go back to your apartment?" Andrew asked as he viciously bit into the twinkie.

"No." The answer was instantaneous even if Neil didn't know why. He should want to go curl up in the far corners of his bed with the door locked and the world unable to touch him. But the thought of leaving this moment, leaving Andrew felt like too much.

He didn't know when Andrew turned into a safe place. Neil was used to standing on his own, but now it felt like he didn't have to. It wasn't just today. Andrew had been there today, but the trust had been building gradually until Neil realized it felt like Andrew could protect him from the world.

"Kevin's going to ask questions."

Neil barely stifled his groan. While he'd only met the man a handful of times, Andrew's roommate was a common topic of conversation on the roof.

"Why do you even live with him if you hate him so much?" Neil asked.

"Don't ask stupid questions." Andrew said his eyes still focused on the road.

Because he's one of yours. Neil thought to himself.

Kevin was Andrew's in a way Neil could never be. Kevin was the person who stayed even after he fulfilled his end of a deal in college. Andrew may complain about his constant nagging, his hypocrisy when it came to Andrew's sweet tooth, his attempts to get Andrew to join his countless intermural sports teams. But at the end of the day, even when Aaron rejected him, Kevin stayed. And for that Andrew would never let him go.

Still the thought of dealing with Kevin’s seemingly endless energy felt like too much right now.

"The hospital's fine. I can get home from there."

Andrew gave him a disparaging look. "Now is not the time Rabbit. Give me the address."

"I'm surprised you don’t already have it. The lock on staff records too hard to break?"

Andrew snorted as he changed lanes.

He still felt rubbed raw from the way he'd broken so easily even if it had been nearly six years since he'd been near his father at all. So he knew Andrew was right, he couldn’t handle other people. He gave his address even as Andrew smirked.

After leaving the safety of the car, he'd ran about eight miles on the treadmill that had certainly seen better days. Typically he'd prefer to run outside and let the breeze carry his worries away from him. But the thought of people made him want to shrink. He'd take the cheap gym with locker rooms that smelt vaguely of mold if it meant he could avoid interactions with all but two people.

He ran to the hospital the rest of the week too. It wasn't worth trying to navigate the subway when he'd be looking over his shoulder the entire way.

Neil wasn't being paranoid. His father was dead. So were Romero and Jackson. Lola and the majority of the minions he'd met were in prison. But there had to be some he hadn't met. People the FBI hadn't even thought to warn him about. He hadn't expected to live this long and if he had to keep one eye over his shoulder, his duffel bag always packed and a new city every few months to keep living he'd do it.

But for now, he had time. He could make the most of his time at Palmetto.

He knew now that Andrew wanted him, and even though he’d never given the thought of kissing much thought before. He was suddenly desperate for Andrew’s lips on his. Andrew made him feel like he didn’t have an expiration date, like the future didn’t actually matter. For someone always thinking three steps ahead, that felt entirely new. But he thought he could get used to it.

Neil had just finished helping Hernandez check out when Dan walked back onto the unit for the first time.

He did a double take at first. He still had three weeks left on his contract and being reminded of just how little time he had left made him grit his teeth.

Typically he’d already have his next location lined up, but Neil hadn’t even sent in his application yet.

He wasn’t an idiot. He knew prolonging the inevitable wasn’t a good idea. Pretending he could stay long enough to memorize the feel of Andrew’s hands on his scars and their mouths pressed together desperately would do him no favors. Neil knew when he started that anything they started had a clear expiration date.

But seeing Dan with her little yellow bundle made him realize how close that date actually was.

Luckily Neil was spared from giving Dan more than a cursory nod due to Allison practically sprinting down the hallway to the front desk.

Allison’s smile was dazzling as she gestured toward the baby. “I’m so glad to see you. Now give me my niece.”

Dan merely rolled her eyes. She looked more tired than the last time Neil had seen her, but also happier. The dark bags under her eyes were matched by a brilliant smile.

When she hesitated to hand her newborn over, Allison put her hands on her hips. "You're in a hospital Dan. It's not like we don't know how to take care of her"

"And when was the last time you did an OBGYN rotation?"

Allison flipped her blond ponytail dramatically. "I'll have you know I could do it any day. I just like you too much to be reassigned."

"And you'd be a bitch to replace. Here." Dan smirked even as she handed over the baby.

"Oh She's absolutely precious, Auntie Allie's going to absolutely spoil you. Yes she is" Allison cooed as she held the newborn.

Dan watched her with a smile. "Randy's a lifesaver, but I'm not about to say no to more babysitters."

"Wait until she's older. I’ve got enough diapers to change as is.”

Dan snorts.

"So when are you back officially then? I need my bestie back."

"I'm still working out the details."

Allison snorted.

Neil busied himself with sorting through the pain medication records for 409, pretending to ignore the weight of Dan's stare.

But Allison had no intention of ignoring it. "You mean we get to keep him?"

"Honestly Al, he's not a stray cat."

"So?"

"And I haven't asked him yet, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't scare him away in the meantime."

"Of Course Dan. I wouldn't dare." Allison smiled again at the baby before announcing that clearly Auntie Allie was the only one who could give a proper tour and that maybe "We'll even find daddy in time for him to change your diaper."

Dan rolled her eyes but wasted none of her newfound baby-free time in waiting to approach Neil.

"I'm so glad I was able to catch you. I've heard nothing but good things about you since you started."

Neil glanced up from the paperwork, but kept his fingers wrapped tightly around the clipboard. "Most of them from your husband I assume."

Dan laughed good naturally. "You’d certainly think so. I swear if I hadn't already cemented myself as his favorite person, I'd be worried."

Neil grimaced.

"But it isn't just him." Dan stepped closer. "How are you enjoying Palmetto Public Neil?"

"It's fine."

Despite his lackluster answer, she seemed undeterred. "I'm glad to hear it, because we've been so happy to have you here. And since we're always short-staffed, I was able to get the board to approve your transition to a full-time position if you want it."

Neil swallowed, a pit already forming in his stomach. "That's-"

"You don't have to give me an answer now. I was just stopping in today and wanted to let you know as soon as possible so you could get your affairs in order."

She smiled so eagerly at him. He almost felt guilty when he said, "No. I'm grateful for the offer and all, but I can't stay."

"Oh." Dan's voice was so small. She looked absolutely heartbroken.

He grimaced again.

"Well, if you change your mind, just know you're always welcome here."

Neil forced himself to turn back to the paperwork to give her a chance to slink away. He wasn't actually reading, probably couldn't even if he tried.

They wanted him to stay.

And that very fact made him want to run until he couldn’t move anymore.

Neil at least stopped himself from running out of the hospital. He went to the roof, where things had always been just a little bit clearer. Maybe if he could just think, he could make his heart stop pounding.

"Why are you being such an idiot?" Andrew's voice was angrier than he'd ever heard him as he slams the door open. "I can't believe you."

"What's there to believe?"

Andrew stalked across the room toward him. Neil knew what angry men could do, but he wasn't afraid not even as Andrew practically spit in his face. "That you're just going to run off again like a fucking rabbit."

"It's better for everyone." His voice sounded empty even to his own ears.

Andrew dug his hand into Neil's shoulder. "Don't give me that shit."

Neil looked at him blankly.

"He's dead."

"So?"

"So stop running."

"I don't know how." The words were small, but he felt the truth in every ounce of his body. He's never had somewhere worth staying or anyone worth staying for.

Abby had tried, tried so much harder than anyone else. But it wasn't the same. He couldn't stop feeling like the scarred boy who'd come into her care determined not to need anyone. And she was all too willing to watch him walk away. He didn't need to stay anywhere to be worth something.

He couldn't explain why this time was different. Why he ached at the thought of never listening to Allison tease him. Why never talking to Matt again made him want to curl in on himself. He certainly couldn't explain why the thought of not being able to laugh with Andrew, not being able to see him every day physically pained him. He needed Andrew in a way he hadn't needed anyone since his mother died.

Neil was desperate for him to understand. "Tell me to stay. You have to tell me to stay."

"Why should I? Nothing will come of it."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Neil wanted to scream. Scream that maybe if Andrew just asked he'd be able to. He'd be able to force down all the impulses telling him to run, just like he was able to stop himself from running out of the hospital entirely at Dan's offer. Instead he ran to the roof, where it was safe, where Andrew made it safe.

Andrew pushed him away and Neil already felt himself stepping forward unconsciously, trying to close the distance between them.

"It means I'm self-destructive, not stupid. I'm not going to ask when you clearly don't want to. I won't make you."

I'd never make you.

Andrew didn’t say that, but Neil heard it anyway. Because Andrew never pushed when it came to consent, to wanting this thing between them.

It's why he's so desperate for Andrew to understand now.

"It's always been 'go. It's always been 'lie' and 'hide' and 'disappear'." Neil gestured wildly as if trying to grab the words from thin air. "I've never belonged anywhere or had the right to call anything my own. You can't expect me to just know how to-”

Neil trailed off when he saw Andrew's face. It was stony even to his impassioned plea.

He didn't know how he could fix this. He felt like he was hanging on by a fraying thread as it was. "I'm so tired of being nothing."

"Then stop making yourself be nothing. Let yourself have this."

Neil felt himself floundering even more. "It's not that simple."

Andrew huffed and turned away from him. "I don't have time for rabbits or idiots."

He let the door slam as he left.

Getting through the rest of the day was a blur. Neil just kept thinking about Andrew walking away from him and the rooftop door echoing too loudly as it closed. His apartment was no better.

There was nothing in the little apartment that Neil was renting that looked remarkably like home. He was used to packing his life up in to the grey duffel bag every few months. Nothing he bought couldn’t be replaced at any big box store.

It never really bothered him before.

That wasn’t to say he hadn’t noticed how other people’s spaces seemed to fit them. But he had spent so long trying to blend in that he wasn’t even sure what he could add to make the space feel more like him.

He didn’t have the college pictures to string along his wall like Dan and Matt. He didn’t even have the dime-a-dozen motivational posters that Kevin seemed to favor the few times he’d been to the apartment he shared with Andrew. He certainly didn’t have the wall of books that Andrew kept in his own room.

Up until recently he wouldn’t have cared.

But for the first time in his life, Neil was starting to feel like a real person. A real person was supposed to have something that other people could remember them by, to identify them with. Neil had his job and the scars on his face.

And Andrew. Andrew who didn’t seem to care about either.

If anything Andrew scoffed at the desperation he brought to his job when they both know that you couldn’t save everyone, and that most of the time you couldn’t save the people who deserved it either.

But Neil could see the way he cared even if he didn’t make it his entire personality or guiding force. His chart notes were too detailed. His frown all the deeper when things went wrong. He was too good at his job to not care at least a little bit. And there was no one at Palmetto that could deny that Andrew was brilliant at his job.

While others could look at Neil and see nothing but his injuries, there was a way that Andrew looked at him, his eyes pooling like honey that made Neil feel like Andrew was seeing everything but his scars.

Somehow he even looked happy with what he found.

It made him want to stay, to take that little feeling and nurture it until Neil could see something in himself too. Something worth being happy about.

He sent out three texts one right after the other.

The first was to Andrew. “I’m not an idiot or a rabbit.”

It was simple, but it said everything. Neil wasn’t running from this, wasn’t running from Andrew. Tomorrow they could talk, but for now it had to be enough.

“Can I really stay?”

It was less professional than it should be, considering Dan would be his supervisor if everything worked out. But he didn’t have another way to ask. It felt like pulling teeth to even write those four words.

Neil shouldn’t have turned her down so quickly this afternoon. He should have let himself realize how much he wanted this, realize how forcing himself to move again felt like he was leaving a part of himself behind that he didn’t even know he had before.

But he needn’t have worried. Dan’s reply was practically instantaneous. “Of Course!!!! I’ll make sure to go over all the paperwork tomorrow.”

The last message was one he should have sent twelve weeks ago. It was only his address. But Abby would know what it meant. She always did.

#rbb 2021 #aftg #aftg fic #neil josten #andrew minyard #andreil #andreil fic #hospital au #so many potential triggers so please read bolded list #blood #burns #torture #panic attacks #are the big ones

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plantseedsofkindness · 4 years

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Tracy Meunier - #plant seeds of kindness

Blog Post 1 August 30, 2020

So what do you do when they tell you that you have brain cancer?

I started my career as Executive Assistant to the County Manager (thank you Mr. Allen Charles for having faith in my abilities!) on August 2, 1984. It was 30+ degrees outside. After work I bought a fan for our 'little house on the prairie'.... Neil & I celebrated!

Flash forward 36 years - and a career where I was fortunate to serve the community that has given our families such amazing support!

As an accountant, I've always tended to listen to advice - go to professional development sessions focused on building equity......save up for retirement...start a career that allows you to grow!

I made the decision to retire in early 2018. My dad was going through his cancer journey (prostrate cancer that spread in August 2018, resulting in him needing to be hospitalized). My siblings & I had an amazing opportunity to reconnect on a much deeper level as adult children with a man that we admired and adored more than words can describe. And so the new journey began - 11 months at the Barrhead Healthcare Centre and 5 months at Shepherd's Care. The goal remained constant - one day at a time, and to be thankful for each day we had together. We were so fortunate to appreciate the next 496 days together!!!

At Dad's celebration of life in January 2020, Rev. David Pype spoke of the 'pillars of life':

- to have purpose

- to love

- to be loved (ie. allow yourself to let others help you, which can be difficult)

- to have hope

Flash forward to June 1, 2020 - my new retirement date!

In mid May, 2020, when we were moving cattle to pasture, I started to get dizzy. Having been diagnosed in the fall of 2019 with osteoporosis, I did what any 58 year old would do - I 'google-dr'd it and self-diagnosed as having vertigo!

Because my family doctor had moved away from the community in the fall of 2019, I needed to find a new doctor. Imagine what he must have thought when I told him I might have vertigo!

He was patient with me & suggested we try some tests first. That was my 1st day of retirement - June 1, 2020.

As the week progressed, the dizziness got worse. That Saturday, I changed my self-diagnosis to a wax build-up. I drove myself to out-patients at the hospital. Only problem was that my ears were clear. The doctor suggested a brain scan.

This brought us to June 8 and a call from the Westlock Healthcare Centre. The first scan led them to call in of the doctor for what appeared to be a possible stroke. A second scan was done and results sent to my family doctor.

The next day, June 9, the doctor's office called and asked Neil & I to come meet with the doctor the next day.

To say the news was crappy, disappointing and terrible is an understatement!!!!

The C-T scan showed a growth of approximately 4 cm x 6 cm. The doctor had been consulting with a neurosurgeon from the University of Alberta Hospital. I was booked for an MRI on June 15.

Our world as we knew it felt like it was falling apart! We needed to search for our purpose! Survival mode kicked in!

And so, on June 15, 2020 I had an MRI, which confirmed the tumor. Surgery was scheduled for June 17.

What type of cancer is it? It's called gliobastoma multiform (GBM for short). It's a terminal brain cancer. It's classified as a primary brain tumour - starting within the brain itself. It’s not thought to be caused by inherited genetics or environment - just bad luck! It is incurable and one of the most aggressive forms of brain cancer.

Given the stark reality of our 'retirement time' together - there's 1 thing that cannot be taken away - HOPE!!!!!!!! Hope for research - Hope for successful trials!

It's ok to be feel cheated. To be mad, sad, angry. It's NOT ok to have pity parties.

There's a reason we are faced with the challenges that lie before us.

We need to figure it out - to find our purpose and persevere!

On June 17 I underwent surgery to remove the 'bulk' of the tumor, deep in the frontal lobe of my brain. The surgery itself caused a “retraction injury” to the part of my brain controlling movement on my left side- fortunately after a few weeks of working hard at rehab with the wonderful physio and occupational therapy team at the Barrhead Hospital I was able to use my left arm and leg again!

Over the summer I have been having radiation treatment paired with chemotherapy – the gold standard of treatment for GBM.

As of August 30, I have 7 more treatments left, before I get to ring the 'bell of glory', signifying that treatment is done (watch for pics on Facebook!)

September 2020 will see a break from treatments; late October/early November will be another MRI to see how the tumour responded to the treatment and map out the next steps.

Unfortunately, the tumor will re-appear – we just don’t know when. Currently, the median time is approximately 14.5 months. However, as mentioned above, we remain hopeful for some positive results of newer trials!

Others who have had GBM include Gord Downie of the Tragically Hip (who greatly advanced the conversation about GBM and helped to 'normalize' it), Presidential candidate Joe Biden's son, Senators John McCain, and Ted Kennedy.

Why am I doing a blog? I'm hoping to normalize the conversation about cancer.

It's ok to talk about it. It may help to find our purpose. Although it’s a terrible disease, it doesn’t need to rob us of who we are or what our purpose is.

As I reflect upon my life, my family, my cancer diagnosis, there are 5 special songs/video’s I ask you to view:

Martina Mcbride In my Daughter's Eyes –

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For my beautiful daughter, Sara, who wrote her Royal College exam in psychiatry on August 26. Sara has dedicated her life to serve others - my heart literally busts with a mother's pride! When I received my diagnosis, Sara and my family put their lives on hold to help me. I am forever grateful. I am excited for them to grow in their lives!

2. Josh Groban - You raise me up.

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For my kindest, gentlest son, Tyler. Tyler is an amazing son and human being. I am so proud of the man you've become!! You have so much love to share!

3. The Prayer (One World at Home version) - Celine Dion, Andrea Bocelli, Lady Gaga, Lang Lang, John Legend

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In the same manner that psalms are our poems to God, this song is like a psalm to my siblings (and our theme song to 'Lindquist Lane' at our family cemetery in Mellowdale).

4. Courage - Tragically Hip.

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Since my diagnosis, I've developed a link with Gord Downie. I am appreciative of his courage and gratefulness. He was a great poet that taught us lots!

5. I Will Remember You - Sarah McLachan

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This goes without saying!

What’s the name of the blog?

#plant seeds of kindness

Why the name of the blog?

As far as I go back, my family is a family of farmers.

I am extremely proud of that!

As farmers we plant, we grow, we experience success, we experience failure, we put ourselves ‘out there’, we learn resiliency.

Most importantly – WE NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!

What's next? I’m hoping to be able to continue on with posts after treatments are done – stay tuned!!!!!

#plant seeds of kindness

I’m looking forward to hearing from you!

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conelly · 4 years

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( luke hemmings, twenty-two, cismale, he/him ) did you see BYRON CONELLY walking down main street earlier? you know who i’m talking about, they’re a DECKHAND. everybody in town says that they’re SANGUINE & NONJUDGEMENTAL, but have a tendency to be IMPRESSIONABLE & VOLATILE too. BYRON has been in town for ONE AND A BIT years. c'mon, they’re always requesting SWEET CAROLINE by NEIL DIAMOND at karaoke nights. well, i’m sure you’ll see them soon! ( ooc: sunny, 22, she/her, est )

hi thanks for tuning in, SUNNY here to tell you all a lil bit about westmere’s very own new nd improved favorite loser below. sorry for this summary being all over the place, it’s kinda how my brain works heh which is kinda perfect bc byron will for SURE be all over the place too ( u can rly tell at a certain point i was like ok i give up + i’m posting mf ). let me know if u have any questions about ‘em and most importantly, lmk if you would like to plot a lil connect or sumn 😙

@westmerestarters

FAMBAM + BACKGROUND

born 14 years after the elder conelly ( wanted brother connect !!! ) entered this word to two parents who didn’t seem to read the job description, it was clear that byron wasn’t planned. and down the line, he’d soon realize through the tumultuous household he was brought up in - perhaps never even wanted.

byron’s parents had one constant - and that was fighting. over anything, all the time. there just wasn’t any love between the two and they stayed together for whatever meaningless reasons until byron hit middle school. ( there might’ve been a super short lull in toxicity once byron was born, but it had to be short as his first memories are nothing shy of toxic. ) it was a messy separation ( they never paid the full legal fees for a full divorce ) - his father moving to the coast of nj & his mother moving to a smaller apartment nearby her own mother ( which, due to the negative relationship among his mother + grandmother, also called for more tension ). he’d often be dropped off @ his grandmother’s house for baby-sitting or when he was ‘ becoming too much to handle. ’ eventually his grandmother moved into his cousin’s house ( MONROE ) and although grateful he made a practically new brother, similar tendencies of feeling unwanted occurred when byron noticed their grandmother praising and coddling and favoriting monroe just a bit more.

( his mother was a struggling addict ( and had been her whole life ), but the loneliness, newfound pressures and whatever excuse she was able to name caused her drinking to spiral worse than byron remembered ( even at his young age ) before. )

( his father was rarely in his life, but when he was, he was THE coolest. always played good cop in any situation regarding his mother, despite choosing not to have an active role in byron’s life. byron looked up to him like no other. when he WAS around, he taught byron how to surf, skateboard, play sports, they’d play video games, they’d eat junk food - honestly anything that byron wanted to do. his dad was an adrenaline junkie and created the stepping stones for byron to be one too. he was a marine biologist & pretty successful at that. passionate, intelligent, but seemingly finding his newfound life a lot better than his previous - which is why he never wanted byron to stay too long, the boy reminded him of her, of the past. )

( his older brother moved out of the house when byron was just a lil kid, they’re not very close and don’t have much in common ... or so it seems. he lives in nyc and they only talk here and there on holidays. he was never a huge part of his life, but it does bum him out to think what could’ve been / could be. )

TO GET THE GIST

due to never receiving the attention he craved from his family members, he made up for it tenfold in school. he was always talking to everyone, loud, boisterous, gregarious, life of the party; he wanted people to like him and they did. he become a total people pleaser, molding himself to make sure everyone was content and stayed around. impressionable, adaptable. he felt less this way towards adults and had a bit of a rebellious phase, hanging with the wrong crowd & getting into things he probably wouldn’t do otherwise. old habits die hard and he still tries his best to make everyone crack a smile, to remember him - since he believes he won’t be remembered for much else.

after he just barely skated by in high school ( his grades were never as good as his cousin’s and never lived up to his father’s expectations ), byron felt a bit lost. a lot of people had plans, were heading off to college - but already under the assumption he couldn’t reach any expectation in that realm ( a lil self fulfilling prophecy am i right pals ), he stayed in town - caring for his mother who hardly had anything together, his uncle who got sick very quickly & passed, spending time with his grandmother, while he himself fell into a rut. most of his days meant he drove out towards his dad’s place ( dad hardly there now, out and about with his new family ), surfing, smoking, and grabbing some cash doing odd jobs any way he could. he lost any purpose he once had ( but yall would never know it bc who wants to be in someone’s life who’s a buzzkill ? all smiles, baby, all smiles. )

IN WESTMERE

when his cousin offered the opportunity to travel cross-country in his van, byron had nothing to lose. always adventurous in spirit, he immediately said yes - deciding to ignore that ‘obligation,’ that feeling to make sure they were a-ok that he felt towards his parents. he needed an out and this was it.

after landing in the small connecticut town for the night, the two fell for it - especially since when they got there along the water, it was a summer night + everything landed into place. they decided to stay there a bit longer ... and that eventually turned into more than a year. still antsy to keep traveling and to move around, byron has been ready to head out ... but stays for a few reasons - and them all being people ( bc lbh the surf is not even on point here ok )

his current job is a deckhand ( on a bunch of boats, ppl prob hired him as word of mouth got around that he knew what he was doing ). prob got that knowledge from being by his dad’s on the water when younger ( he’s ... obsessed with the water ) ! and also he’s just a quick learner ok ( ps: if your charrie has a boat pls let’s make somethin happen )

TO KNOW [ headcanons + more ]

his fav karaoke song is sweet caroline bc he knows everyone will be able to sing nd party along. he does it for the ppl, ppl.

he never saw too many baby / kid pics of himself which was kind of a bummer bc he really only remembers negative times - somehow they overpowered ( i bet lil byron was cute as fuck too fml )

he’s super into drugs, hallucinogenics, honestly you name it. it started off w/ him being impressionable, then bored, and now he just enjoys it. despite his mother’s addiction running through his blood, he still continues to do his thang.

longboards around town so watch your toes

uses 🤙🤙 all the time and not ironically

has an existential crisis on the daily about purpose but keeps that to himself most times

WANTED CONNECTIONS

someone pls give me a sugar mama idc how we plot it out they don’t have to hook up they can idk idc i just want someone giving him money or expensive things it can be so much fun ok ,, pool boy ? idk sign me up

pls if your muse has a boat, let him be the deckhand ok it will also be so fun and potentially angsty if he fucks something up

a fling 100% - even multiple ? idc listen he is currently sharing a tiny VAN with his COUSIN he needs a place - like an actual bed - to crash on at night

can he save someone who was potentially drowning pls??? he used to be a lifeguard, it can be a cool/fun thread to write out

omg off of that can he teach someone how to swim

look if anyone is into marine bio, can they somehow know byron’s father ?? i feel like that could make room for a cool plot

also i have an older brother connect on the w/c’s page lmk lmk

give me a good influence that will somehow have him open up + tell him that it’s weird to be so sunshiny all the time. maybe someone who witnesses him at his worst + stays, ya know ??

a bad influence plot where y/c takes this impressionable young lad and puts him through the ringer tbh ( srrsly he’d do a lot for ppl, so ask him to do something illegal for them it’ll be fun )

party pals, smoking pals, on the water 24/7 pals,

co-worker, other ppl that work on the water ( fishermen?? more deckhands?? captains??)

gimmie someone he accidentally bumped into while longboarding ( he’s a large human it might’ve done damage ok )

i want and need enemies ok i know he’s chill as fuck and wants everyone to like him but there’s always a way to find enemies >:o. anything angsty for REAL.

unrequited thing? where he led someone on?? i’m sure he does this constantly

don’t ruin the friendship thing omg plsssss always so fun

look i’m open for it ALL. every plot u have in mind so lay it on me

#westmereintro #TW ADDICTION #nd ... i think that's it

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theonyxpath · 5 years

Link

So we end the year of 2018! So odd that Dec 31 is on a Monday Meeting day, so we’re really just squeaking the meeting in before everybody goes hither and yon to their New Year‘s celebrations.

Amazingly, almost everybody was there, and so I have a few points we discussed before ending this year’s worth of MMN blogs with our Onyx Path crew’s New Year’s Resolutions. Let’s get to it!

In the usual explosion of Kickstarter Updates we sent out last week, I started with a very special one to our Scarred Lands PG backers. The SL Kickstarter had an uphill climb to resolution having to recover from my good old friend Stewart Wieck’s death before the books were shipped.

So it was only fitting, and in my thinking positive, that I could announce to them that the next Scarred Lands project (and Kickstarter) would be the Scarred Lands Creature Collection for 5e and that Onyx Path would be working on the project with Handiwork Games – founded by another buddy, Jon Hodgson.

Jon and his team at Handiwork will be writing, art directing, and laying out the project, as well as running the Kickstarter, and we are thrilled to be able to bring their creative talents and energy honed after many years working for Cubicle7 to what is possibly the signature Scarred Lands book.

For those of you not aware of the history of the first Creature Collection book, it was published in an audacious move just as D&D 3rd Edition released the legendary d20 and OGL licenses. We heard that first they’d be publishing the 3e Players Guide and then later the 3e Monster Manual, and jumped in, wrote, illustrated, and published Creature Collection just before the 3e MM was released.

So, it’s a project near and dear to my heart, and I think that Jon’s crew are going to do amazing and beautiful things with it!

Changeling: The Lost 2e Jumpstart art by Tilen Javornik

Rather than boost more of our mentions in podcasts, or articles, or our Onyx Pathcast, or Kickstarters, I’m going to be pulling all those items down to The Blurbs! below, and for this next year I’ll be aiming at utilizing this space as a way to talk more directly to you about what’s up with Onyx Path.

That was how we got started with it just one day short of 7 years ago, so I’d like to get back there after this last year of reorganization.

And in The Blurbs! below you’ll already find information about our latest Kickstarter, They Came From Beneath the Sea!, which has done a lot better over the Christmas holiday than we expected, and now I’ve added a new section called Onyx Path Media for descriptions and links to the Onyx Pathcast, and other Onyx Path vids, as well as to Actual Plays, etc. from other folks enjoying our worlds.

Roll of Good Dogs and Excellent Cats art by Pat Loboyko

Herein lieth our Onyx Path crew’s New Year’s Resolutions for 2019:

From Mirthful Mike Chaney: “My big one for 2019 is to add more artists to the Ex3 pool and clear the log jam in that line’s production process so we can get 4 titles a year out for Ex3.”

From Monica Valentinelli: “I’m trying something new this year, because resolutions tend to fizzle before the first signs of Spring. For 2019, I’m changing my resolution to a one-word mantra: movement. From shipping manuscripts to rolling dice, there’s a lot of ways I can see this word applying to what we do at Onyx Path. Onwards to 2019!”

From Matthew “The Gentleman Gamer” Dawkins: “My new year’s resolution is to give a little more time to myself in 2019! My video game and reading time was way down in 2018, and I need to amend that in the coming year. Taking advantage of my leisure time rather than spending a lot of it on social media would go a long way toward making a more satisfied Matthew.”

From Dangerous Dixie Cochran: “In 2019, I want to, as Neil Gaiman said, “make good art.” More than that, I want to encourage others to make art, whether good or no. (Funny story, making bad art is the first step on the road to making good art.) I’ve always joked that I’m a support class in real life: I edit what others write, I help folks with problems, and I enjoy building people up and helping their voices be heard. I want to do more of that in the coming year. I want to work on helping people who are underrepresented into spotlights, and continue to showcase the current slate of amazing talent we have now. I want to work with amazing creators to figure out how to best polish their work, not just for them. I want to work on dozens of new and interesting and phenomenal books, and I want to see creatives in our field (and others) shine that maybe haven’t had the opportunity before.

I also want to meet more of you, the folks who keep us going. If you have live streams or events or podcasts, I want to hear about them! I also hope you come to the conventions we attend and say hello! Essentially, I want 2019 to be about community and coming together for the betterment of all parties involved. Happy New Year!”

From LisaT: “I’m going to try to establish a more permanent workspace in order to facilitate keeping better track of my broadening work responsibilities. And to establish some new skills in Excel and other programs to improve bookkeeping.”

From Jaunty James Bell, our Kickstarter Concierge: “2018 had a lot of transition for me – health challenges for my parents and new activities (and jobs!) for my children redefined my role as a son and father, keeping me busy. In 2019, I’m going to try to help family and friends as best I can, avoid the anger and despair from social media as much as possible, fall in love with each new kickstarter project, be organized, communicate clearly, and play more games!”

From Impish Ian Watson: “For 2019, I’d like to take more time to play games, and do some recreational reading. I enjoy both, but lately I’ve been spending my spare time on YouTube or whatever and not enough time with novels or game books.”

From Fast Eddy Webb: “In 2019, I resolve to make a second creator-owned property. It may not see the light of day in 2019, but I’d like to be in a place where I can start designing by the end of the year.”

From Mighty Matt McElroy: Well, Matt didn’t get me his resolution as he’s on a well-deserved and oft-postponed vacation (I hope!). So we won’t bother him, but I’ll give him an easy one based on past years’: “I’m going to drink all the coffee, and work crazy hours, and do seventeen person’s jobs.”

From RichT: “Gonna do more hands-on art and just be more hands-on with our projects this coming year. I participated in Inktober, and doing a piece of illustration a day was a marathon, but also was a joy that reconnected me to my art-creating roots.”

Happy New Year as we move into our eighth year as a company! Thanks to you all for your support in 2018 (and earlier) and talk to you next year all about our:

Many Worlds, One Path!

BLURBS!

KICKSTARTER:

They Came From Beneath the Sea! (TCFBtS!) funded on Kickstarter in less than 48 hours and we’ve passed through the first couple of Stretch Goals of getting Larry Blamire to illustrate a horizontal scene usable on a screen, the beginning of a book of additional Threats, and we are rising up on the next goal!

TCFBtS! has some very different additions to the Storypath mechanics we’ll be explaining during the KS that take an excellent 50’s action and investigation genre game and turn it to 11! You can see the actual play here:

Check out the teaser:https://youtu.be/kxLydk4t76s

Hope to see you there back in the 50’s, fighting watery menaces and cracking wise!

ONYX PATH MEDIA

Illustration by Michael Gaydos

This Friday’s Onyx Pathcast features an interview with SuperFan Jacob Burgess recorded at PAX Unplugged where he and Eddy ramble on hi-lariously, for quite some time I hear, all about his Bloodlines actual plays, his writing on Book of Oblivion, and maybe some hints about what he’ll be doing for us in 2019!

https://onyxpathcast.podbean.com/

And Here’s More Media About Our Worlds:

The Story Told RPG Podcast have recently provided coverage of Scion Origin and Scion Hero, both of which will help anyone looking for insight into those two games. The same podcast will be launching actual plays of Exalted and Scion in the coming weeks, so stay tuned to their channels!

Origin: http://thestorytold.libsyn.com/episode-16-scion-2nd-edition-origin-overview

Hero: http://thestorytold.libsyn.com/episode-17-scion-hero-overview

The fine fellows at Caffeinated Conquests have started up the first streamed play of They Came from Beneath the Sea! Here’s the link to part one: https://youtu.be/pTpeQVIbv08And here’s the link to their Twitch channel so you can tune in to this game, and their other games, live: https://www.twitch.tv/caffeinatedconquests

The excellent team of Niveau Suivant are running a Scion actual play on YouTube and Twitch, and already have a log of videos should you wish to catch up on old episodes! You’ll need to be a French speaker for this one, or at least someone who enjoys the French accent: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLWC9p0HmTWK5C6FUpBQQSZnbakH5u1cTx And here’s their Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/niveausuivant

ELECTRONIC GAMING:

As we find ways to enable our community to more easily play our games, the Onyx Dice Rolling App is now live! Our dev team has been doing updates since we launched based on the excellent use-case comments by our community, and this thing is both rolling and rocking!

ON AMAZON AND BARNES & NOBLE:

You can now read our fiction from the comfort and convenience of your Kindle (from Amazon) and Nook (from Barnes & Noble).

If you enjoy these or any other of our books, please help us by writing reviews on the site of the sales venue you bought it from. Reviews really, really help us with getting folks interested in our amazing fiction!

Our selection includes these fiction books:

OUR SALES PARTNERS:

We’re working with Studio2 to get Pugmire out into stores, as well as to individuals through their online store. You can pick up the traditionally printed main book, the Screen, and the official Pugmire dice through our friends there! http://bit.ly/2w0aaEW

And we’ve added Prince’s Gambit to our Studio2 catalog: https://studio2publishing.com/products/prince-s-gambit-card-game

Looking for our Deluxe or Prestige Edition books? Try this link! http://www.indiepressrevolution.com/xcart/Onyx-Path-Publishing/

Here’s the link to the press release we put out about how Onyx Path is now selling through Indie Press Revolution: http://theonyxpath.com/press-release-onyx-path-limited-editions-now-available-through-indie-press-revolution/

And you can now order Pugmire: the book, the screen, and the dice! http://www.indiepressrevolution.com/xcart/manufacturers.php?manufacturerid=296

DRIVETHRURPG.COM:

This week, we’re offering PDF and PoD versions of the Promethean 2e book, Night Horrors: The Tormented on DTRPG!

CONVENTIONS

Start getting ready for our appearance at MidWinter NEXT WEEK in January in Milwaukee! So many demos, playtests, secret playtests, and Onyx Path Q&As you could plotz!

And now, the new project status updates!

DEVELOPMENT STATUS FROM FAST EDDY WEBB (projects in bold have changed status since last week):

First Draft (The first phase of a project that is about the work being done by writers, not dev prep)

20 The Technocracy Reloaded (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

M20 Victorian Mage (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

City of the Towered Tombs (Cavaliers of Mars)

Mummy: The Curse 2nd Edition core rulebook (Mummy: The Curse 2nd Edition)

Geist2e Fiction Anthology (Geist: The Sin-Eaters 2nd Edition)

Pirates of Pugmire (Realms of Pugmire)

Distant Worlds (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

Dragon-Blooded Novella #1 (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Across the Eight Directions (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Exalted Essay Collection (Exalted)

Legendlore core book (Legendlore)

Creatures of the World Bestiary (Scion 2nd Edition)

Chicago Folio/Dossier (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

Let The Streets Run Red (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

Redlines

Deviant: The Renegades (Deviant: The Renegades)

Witch-Queen of the Shadowed Citadel (Cavaliers of Mars)

Scion Companion: Mysteries of the World (Scion 2nd Edition)

Memento Mori: the GtSE 2e Companion (Geist: The Sin-Eaters 2nd Edition)

C20 Novel (Jackie Cassada) (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

Second Draft

Tales of Good Dogs – Pugmire Fiction Anthology (Pugmire)

Heirs to the Shogunate (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Scion Ready Made Characters (Scion 2nd Edition)

Scion Jumpstart (Scion 2nd Edition)

Development

Hunter: the Vigil 2e core (Hunter: the Vigil 2nd Edition)

CofD Contagion Chronicle (Chronicles of Darkness)

Lunars: Fangs at the Gate (Exalted 3rd Edition)

WoD Ghost Hunters (World of Darkness)

Oak, Ash, and Thorn: Changeling: The Lost 2nd Companion (Changeling: The Lost 2nd)

CofD Dark Eras 2 (Chronicles of Darkness)

Night Horrors: Nameless and Accursed (Mage: the Awakening Second Edition)

Manuscript Approval:

Wr20 Book of Oblivion (Wraith: The Oblivion 20th Anniversary Edition)

Trinity Continuum: Aberrant core (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Editing:

Aeon Aexpansion (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

Dystopia Rising: Evolution (Dystopia Rising: Evolution)

M20 Book of the Fallen (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

Adventures for Curious Cats (Monarchies of Mau)

In Media Res (Trinity Continuum: Core)

Tales of Excellent Cats (Monarchies of Mau)

V5 Chicago By Night (Vampire: The Masquerade)

V5 Chicago By Night Screen (Vampire: The Masquerade)

Spilled Blood (Vampire: The Requiem 2nd Edition)

Night Horrors: Shunned by the Moon (Werewolf: The Forsaken 2nd Edition)

Post-Editing Development:

C20 Players’ Guide (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

Signs of Sorcery (Mage: the Awakening Second Edition)

Indexing:

Scion Origin (Scion Second Edition)

Scion Hero (Scion Second Edition)

ART DIRECTION FROM MIRTHFUL MIKE:

In Art Direction

Dystopia Rising: Evolution – Finals coming in.

The Realm

Ex3 Monthly Stuff – more art going over to WW.

Chicago By Night – Contracting next bits.

C20 Player’s Guide – Finals coming in and going in for WW approval.

Aeon Aexpansion

They Came From Beneath the Sea! – KS ready.

EX3 Lunars – Some KS finals coming in.

Signs of Sorcery – Just need fulls to come in this week.

In Media Res – Contracted.

Hunter: The Vigil 2 – KS art in progress.

Shunned By the Moon – Awaiting notes.

Marketing Stuff

In Layout

Ex Novel 2 (Aaron Rosenberg) – With Meredith.

Geist 2e

Proofing

Scion Hero – Indexing.

Scion Origin – Indexing.

CtL2 Jumpstart – Shutting down errata.

M20: Gods and Monsters

Pugmire Roll of Good Dogs and Cats – 2nd Proof sent out.

Trinity Core – Gathering errata.

Trinity Aeon – Gathering errata.

Ex3 Dragon Blooded – Gathering errata.

At Press

Wraith 20th – New cover proof approved. Everything else is printing.

Wraith 20 Screen – Printed.

Scion Dice – At Studio2.

Lost 2e Screen – Shipping to shipper.

Scion Screen – Shipping to shipper.

Changeling: The Lost 2e – Going out to backers. PoD proof ordered.

Fetch Quest – Manufacturing continuing.

PtC Tormented – ON SALE this Wednesday on DTRPG!

TODAY’S REASON TO CELEBRATE:

Happy New Year! May 2019 be better than 2018 for all of you in every way!

#Onyx Path Publishing

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cksmart-world · 3 years

Text

SMART BOMB

The completely unnecessary news analysis

by Christopher Smart July 6, 2021

GIRLIE MEN DON'T FLY THE REBEL FLAG

OK, hold on, Utah wasn't part of the South, so why do people plant the confederate flag in their lawn or on their pickup? They must be rebelling against something — but what isn't exactly clear. Do they want the return of slavery or just mint juleps and chitlins? Some attacking the Capitol on Jan. 6 were waving the rebel flag right along with Old Glory in a kind of patriotic schizophrenia. Maybe they skipped their meds. With the stars and bars in hand, they called Capitol Police traitors and beat them with bats and flag poles. At least four Utahns have been charged: Willard Jake Peart, Toquerville; Brady Knowlton, St. George; Michael Lee Hardin, Kaysville; Landon Copeland, Washington County. Rebel flag or not, they were attacking the United States of America. A small detail, we know, but kind of important. These days, the confederate flag appears at white nationalist rallies and in the South it's still as common as catfish and sweet potato fries — among white folks, that is. And sales of the rebel flag are up all around the country, especially in rural areas and the West, including Utah. These patriotic rebels don't hate the USA, they just want to replace the government with something other than democracy so they can get their freedom back.

BURGESS, MATT & MARJORIE: SING BRITNEY, SING

Burgess 'I'm-So-Righteous' Owens has jumped on the Free Britany Bandwagon just in time to... um, let's see... just in time to save the pop star after a 13-year court-ordered conservatorship. He joins Matt Gaetz and Marjorie Taylor Greene — two other patriots who know how to protect freedom when they see good headlines. In February, The New York Times released a documentary on Spears, which showed scenes of #FreeBritany followers demonstrating against her imprisonment (conservatorship). It brought a new round of publicity and the entrance of our three musketeers: Gaetz, who is under investigation on child trafficking charges; Owens, who has filed for bankruptcy numerous times and claimed brain damage to cash in on a suit against the NFL; and finally the newest GOP flamethrower, Taylor Greene, a former QAnon fan who has questioned the existence of deadly school shootings and whether a jetliner hit the Pentagon on 9/11. They have invited Britney to testify before Congress because, like Gaetz, “she has been mistreated by America's legal system,” and, coincidentally, it will kill on TV ratings. This may look like brazen opportunism, but our heroes would never do a shitty thing like that. They are, after all, Republicans.

DO BLACK PEOPLE REALLY NEED TO VOTE?

Voting rights, schmoting rights �� what is the big deal. The recent Supreme Court ruling on an Arizona law has messed with the 1965 Voting Rights Act. Totally cool if you are a real American white Republican candidate. This is not 1965 and there is no longer any racial discrimination in this country, said Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts in 2013, when the court eviscerated Sec. 5 of the historic legislation. If Whitney Houston can sing the national anthem at the Super Bowl, how could this possibly be a racist country. Last week the high court skewered Sec. 2 of the law, so there is only a snowball's chance in Phoenix of challenging any state's voting laws in federal court. What a relief — look at Georgia, if all them African Americans didn't vote, there would be two more Republicans in the Senate. The Arizona law, Republicans said, was necessary to prevent fraud. But the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that there was no record of fraud but that it would impact minority voting. Nonetheless, conservative justices Alito, Thomas, Roberts, Kavanaugh, Gorsuch and Coney Barrett embraced it because if Blacks and Latinos can't vote like white people, well, then they should go to better schools and get better jobs and maybe take up golf.

Post script — Well, patriots, that just about does it for another week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of Donald Trump's legal fees owed to Rudy Giuliani so you don't have to. Surprise, The Donald is stiffing Rudy because although the one-time New York City prosecutor and mayor sacrificed his reputation for Trump, he failed to keep the former pres in the Oval Office. Oh yeah, Rudy's fee is $20,000 a day — pocket change for cheapskate Trump. By the by, the once and future king hinted to Sean Hannity that he is going to run for president in 2024 — just shocking! But can he seek election from jail? As the world knows, the Trump Organization and it's CFO, Alan Weiselberg, have been charged in a 15-count indictment on tax fraud. Of course, it's all a witch hunt — the biggest in history — so Republicans don't really care. The Big Question: will justice finally catch up to the Lizard of Lawlessness? Stay tuned. On a brighter note, last week the USA turned 245 and patriotism was on display everywhere. On Coney Island before an audience of several thousand Joey Chestnut bettered his own record and wolfed down 76 hotdogs in 10 minutes — 7.6 dogs every 60 seconds. Talk about patriotism. Let's see the Proud Boys do that.

So hey, Wilson, do you and the guys in the band know any Britney Spears tunes? Didn't think so. How about lizard songs? No? Well, how 'bout some Southern culture those rebel flag wavers are always talking about:

Southern man, better keep your head. Don't forget what your good book said. Southern change gonna come at last. Now your crosses are burning fast. Southern man. I saw cotton and I saw black. Tall white mansions and little shacks. Southern man, when will you pay them back? I heard screamin' and bullwhips cracking. How long? How long? Southern man, better keep your head. Don't forget what your good book said. Southern change gonna come at last. Now your crosses are burning fast.

Southern man

(Southern Man — Neil Young)

PPS — During this difficult time for newspapers please make a donation to our very important local alternative news source, Salt Lake City Weekly, at PressBackers.com, a nonprofit dedicated to help fund local journalism. Thank you.

0 notes

pearsonstickseason · 6 years

Text

be my baby | one (dirty dancing au)

a/n: hi so this is the first part of my dirty dancing au! let me know what you think!

– word count: 2,322

– warnings: swearing

tag list: @shawnsassymendes @malumplaylist

@sourshawn you never asked to be tagged, but hi, dirty dancing au is here

You sigh as your father pulls up to the resort, running your fingers around the face of your watch. You never really even wanted to come this summer, but you were outvoted by your sister and parents. You were determined to fake it until you make it though. You weren’t going to ruin it for your family just because you weren’t too fond of the trip.

You step out of the car, tucking your hair behind your ears. You walk around to the back of the car to help with the bags.

“Hey, thanks. Would you like a job here?” The man, who you’ve come to know as Billy, jokes.

You chuckle as you set the bags down with a smile.

“Girls.” Your father calls, gathering your attention along with your sister’s, “This is Mr. Kellerman.” He says gesturing to the man in front of him.

“If it weren’t for this man I would be standing here dead.” He says, pointing to the ground.

You offer him a smile, glancing around at the resort around you. It looks exactly the same as it did six years ago. You zone out, just wanting to get to your family’s cabin.

“Billy! Show these people to their cabin.” Mr. Kellerman’s words grab your attention and you smile to yourself.

Once you reach your cabin you place you sit down on the bed in your shared section of the cabin with your sister. You sigh, looking around before your father comes in.

“Come on girls. We’re going to the merengue class in the gazebo.”

You groan to yourself, standing up and reluctantly following him out after your sister.

“One, two, three, four! Stomp those grapes and stomp some more!” You look down as you try your best to follow the instructor.

“One, two, three, four! Listen to the music!” You glance up, accidentally stepping on the foot of the man next to you.

“Sorry.” You mutter, looking back down to your feet.

“One, two, three, four! Start the train!” Come on, men! Follow me into a round robin! Ladies, the inner circle!“

You unenthusiastically dance in the line, looking to your father.

"Come on ladies, God wouldn’t have given you maracas if he didn’t want you to shake ‘em!” The instructor shouts. You do your best not to roll your eyes and just keep dancing. Or at least trying seeing as you weren’t much of a dancer.

“Okay now, ladies, when I say 'stop’…you’re gonna find the man of your dreams. Stop!”

You smile slightly to yourself, trying to get to your father but the instructor was already taking his hands. You glance around, the only other person without a partner a little old lady. You give her a smile as you start dancing.

“Remember, he’s the boss on the dance floor, if nowhere else.” The instructor grins at your father.

You walk out of your section of the cabin onto the deck and towards your parent’s.

“Mom, dad, I’m going up to the main house to look around.” You don’t wait for a reply for making your way down the steps and towards the main house.

When you reach the main house you hear Mr. Kellerman and stand by the door, looking through a crack as you listen.

“There are two kinds of help here,” He starts looking at the staff in front of him, “You waiters are all college guys and I went to Harvard and Yale to hire you. And why did I do that? Why? I shouldn’t have to remind you. This is a family place. That means you keep your fingers out of the water, hair out of the soup… and show the goddamn daughters a good time. All the daughters. Even the dogs. ” He pauses.

A few members of the staff roll the eyes and a few scoff.

Mr. Kellerman continues, “Schlepp 'em out to the terrace, show 'em the stars. Romance 'em any way you want.”

“Got that, guys?” A new voice speaks as they enter the room.

You look over to the person who has entered the room to see a boy who doesn’t look that much older than you walking in. He has curly brown hair and is wearing sunglasses, a leather jacket slung over his crossed arms.

“Hey, hold it. Hold it.” Mr. Kellerman says, making the staff that just walked in stop.

“If it isn’t the entertainment staff. Listen, wise ass, you got your own rules. Dance with the daughters. Teach 'em the mambo, the cha-cha, anything they pay for. That’s it. That’s where it ends. No funny business, no conversations, and keep your hands off!” Mr. Kellerman points to the staff as he says this.

“It’s the same at all these places. Some ass in the woods maybe, but no conversation.” One of the staff members speaks up.

The staff laughs, Mr. Kellerman only becoming angrier, “Watch it, Rodriguez.” He warns.

“Can you keep that straight, Shawn? What you can’t lay your hands on?” Another staff member asks.

“Just put your pickle on everybody’s plate, college boy and leave the hard stuff to me.” Shawn says, knocking one of the folded napkins off the table before walking out of the room.

You sit at the table with your family, Mr. Kellerman chatting with your father.

“Max, our Baby’s going to change the world.” Your father says, making you offer up a shy smile.

“And what are you going to do, Missy.” Your waiter, Robbie, asks your sister.

“Oh, Lisa’s going to decorate it.” You say, earning a scowl from her.

“She already does.” Robbie grins.

You roll your eyes as your sister smiles at him.

“Doc, I want you to meet someone.” Mr. Kellerman says to your father, motioning someone over.

“This is my grandson, Neil. Goes to the Cornell School of Hotel Management.”

“Baby’s starting Mount Holyoke in the fall.”

You awkwardly rest your hands on Neil’s shoulders as you dance with him, really just swaying side to side as you watch other people dance.

“Are you going to major in English?” Neil asks, breaking the silence between the two of you.

“No. Economics of underdeveloped countries. I’m going into the peace corps.”

“After the final show I’m going to Mississippi with a couple of busboys. Freedom ride.”

You see Mr. Kellerman step onto the stage, clapping.

“This is our own Tito Suarez.” He says, clapping again.

You see a couple of people move onto the dance floor, the crowd moving out of the way and giving them some space.

“Who’s that?” You ask, nodding towards them.

“Oh, them. They’re the dance people. They’re here to keep the guests happy.”

He crosses his arms as he looks at them, shaking his head slightly, “They shouldn’t show off with each other. That’s not gonna sell lessons.”

You only shrug slightly, entranced by the dancing.

“Hi, kids. Having fun?” Your mothers asks as her and your father make their way over, still dancing.

“Yeah.” You lie, forcing a smile.

“Actually I’ve gotta excuse myself. I’m in charge of the games tonight.” Neil starts and you perk up a little, glad to have an opportunity to sneak away.

“Would you like to help me get things started?” He asks, a grin forming on his face.

You’re about to politely decline before your father cuts in, answering for you.

“Sure she would.”

You try your best not to groan, following Neil as he leads you away.

You look out at the audience as you 'get sawed in half’.

“This’ll only hurt for a minute. You’ve got blue cross, right?” The man performing the trick laughs.

You look up to the ceiling, rolling your eyes.

After your part in the show you stand next to the man who is now holding a chicken. You frown slightly as you look at it.

“And for being such a good sport, here you go!”

You close your eyes, “Please don’t hand me the chicken, please don’t hand me the chicken, please don’t hand me the-” Your quiet whispering is interrupted by the man shoving the chicken into your hands, your eyes shooting open as it flaps its wings at you.

You hold the chicken close to you as you walk off the stage, trying to think of something to do with it. Once you get off stage you look around to make sure no one is watching and set the chicken down before running off.

“Why would they give me a chicken?” You whisper to yourself.

You walk outside and find a path, following it just to have something to do. When you near the end of the path you see the man who showed you to your cabin, Billy, struggling to carry a few watermelons. You jog up to him and stop in front of him, watching him trying to fit all three of the watermelons in his arms.

“Hi.” You say, smiling.

“How’d you get here?” He asks you, peering over the three large fruits in his arms.

“I was taking a walk.” You say simply.

“Go back.” He sticks one of his legs out to catch the watermelon that was slipping from his grip.

“Let me help you.” You grab one of the watermelons from him.

“What’s up there?” You ask.

“No guests allowed. House rules. Why don’t you go back to the playhouse? I saw you dancing with little boss man.” He says, humming the tune of the song you had been dancing to with Neil, mocking your dancing.

You put the watermelon back in his hands, beginning to walk away before he stops you.

“Can you keep a secret?”

You walk back over to him and raise an eyebrow.

“Your parents would kill you,” He hands you one of the watermelons, “Max would kill me.”

You follow him up the path and to a smaller building. He turns around to face you, pushing the doors open roughly with his back, making the watermelons fall out of his hands and he fumbles to grab them.

As soon as the doors open you see the building is full of people grinding on each other while music plays loudly. You stare at everyone in shock. You had never seen dancing like this before.

“Where’d they learn to do that?” You ask as the two of you stand in the doorway.

“Where? I don’t know. Kids are doing it in their basements back home. Wanna try it?” He mimics their movements and you shake your head, earning a grin from Billy.

“Come on, baby.” He chuckles.

Billy leads you through the crowd and you try your best not to bump into anyone. You and Billy set the watermelons down in the back of the room, talking with each other over the loud music.

“Can you imagine dancing like this on the main floor? Home of the family fox-trot. Max would close the place down first.” Billy says over the music.

The two dancers from earlier walk in the room and everyone cheers. They make their way to the middle of the floor, people making a space for them. They start dancing and you stand on your tiptoes trying to get a view.

“That’s my cousin, Shawn Mendes.” Billy says leaning closer to you, “He got me the job here.”

“They look great together.” You say, both of you watching Shawn and his partner.

“Yeah. You’d think they were a couple, wouldn’t you?”

“Aren’t they?” You ask, watching Shawn in particular.

You couldn’t deny that he was attractive, but you were sure he was with his dancing partner.

“No,” Billy shakes his head, “Not since we were kids.”

You watch them dance for a bit longer, the girl eventually ending up kneeling on Shawn’s shoulders. You raise an eyebrow as you watch, finding yourself dancing a little. After the song ends Shawn makes his way over to you and Billy, making your movements stop.

“Yo, cos. What’s she doin’ here?” Shawn asks, looking you over, before turning back to Billy.

“She came with me. She’s with me.” Billy answers.

“I carried a watermelon.” You blurt out and Shawn looks at you.

He turns around and returns to his dancing. You look down at the ground, mentally reprimanding yourself.

“I carried a watermelon?” You mutter to yourself.

Shawn dances for a bit more before he makes his way back over to you, his shirt unbuttoned, but still tucked in, and sweat wetting his hair slightly.

He motions for you to come to him with one finger and you look at Billy before Shawn grabs your hand, pulling you onto the floor. You glance back to Billy, but he only shrugs,

“Bend your knees. Down.” He instructs you.

You knew there was no use in him trying to teach you how to dance, but you weren’t going to deny the lessons from him.

He starts moving in the same way as everyone else and you try your best to copy his movements, but you’re so stiff.

“Watch. Watch my eyes.” You do as he says and he places his hands on your waist, helping to move your hips.

“Good. That’s better.” He smiles.

You continue to copy his movements until he does something different. You look like you’re trying to pop a balloon with your hips. Shawn drops his arms, stepping back to show you how to do it.

“Good. Now roll this way.”

You can tell he’s trying his hardest not to laugh at you.

“Now watch.” He shows you again.

“Look.” He says, showing you one last time before pulling you close and wrapping your arms around his neck.

You and Shawn dance closely, a smile on both of your faces. He leans you back before moving you in a half-circle and bring you back up. Once the song ends Shawn swiftly removes your arms from around his neck and spinning your around before disappearing into the sea of dancers.

#be my baby!#shawn mendes #shawn mendes imagine #shawn peter raul mendes #dirty dancing au #handwrittenmendess #imagine #dirty dancing

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swedna · 4 years

Link

A rocket ship built by Elon Musk's SpaceX company thundered away from Earth with two Americans on Saturday, ushering in a new era in commercial space travel and putting the United States back in the business of launching astronauts into orbit from US soil for the first time in nearly a decade. NASA's Doug Hurley and Bob Behnken rode skyward aboard a sleek, white-and-black, bullet-shaped Dragon capsule on top of a Falcon 9 rocket, lifting off at 3.22 pm from the same launch pad used to send the Apollo astronauts to the moon a half-century ago. Minutes later, they safely slipped into orbit. "Let's light this candle," Hurley said just before ignition, borrowing the words used by Alan Shepard on America's first human spaceflight, in 1961.

AFP news agency ✔ @AFP #BREAKING President Donald Trump on SpaceX launch: 'It's incredible' https://twitter.com/AFP/status/1266814235239165952 …

AFP news agency ✔ @AFP #BREAKING First booster stage separates from SpaceX rocket https://twitter.com/AFP/status/1266813093155389440 …

184 9:34 PM - May 30, 2020 Twitter Ads info and privacy 58 people are talking about this The two men are scheduled to arrive at the International Space Station on Sunday for a stay of up to four months, after which they will return to Earth in a Right Stuff-style splashdown at sea. The mission unfolded amid the gloom of the coronavirus outbreak, which has killed over 100,000 Americans, and racial unrest across the US over the death of George Floyd, a handcuffed black man, at the hands of Minneapolis police. NASA officials and others held out hope the flight would would be a morale-booster. "Maybe there's an opportunity here for America to maybe pause and look up and see a bright, shining moment of hope at what the future looks like, that the United States of America can do extraordinary things even in difficult times," NASA Administrator Jim Bridenstine said before launch. With the on-time liftoff, SpaceX, founded by Musk, the Tesla electric-car visionary, became the first private company to launch people into orbit, a feat achieved previously by only three governments: the US, Russia and China. The flight also ended a nine-year launch drought for NASA, the longest such hiatus in its history. Ever since it retired the space shuttle in 2011, NASA has relied on Russian spaceships launched from Kazakhstan to take US astronauts to and from the space station. In the intervening years, NASA outsourced the job of designing and building its next generation of spaceships to SpaceX and Boeing, awarding them USD 7 billion in contracts in a public-private partnership aimed at driving down costs and spurring innovation. Boeing's spaceship, the Starliner capsule, is not expected to fly astronauts until early 2021. Musk said earlier in the week that the project is aimed at "reigniting the dream of space and getting people fired up about the future." Ultimately, NASA hopes to rely in part on its commercial partners as it works to send astronauts back to the moon in the next few years, and on to Mars in the 2030s. Before setting out for the launch pad in a gull-wing Tesla SUV — another Musk product — Behnken pantomimed a hug of his 6-year-old son, Theo, and said: "Are you going to listen to Mommy and make her life easy?" Hurley blew kisses to his 10-year-old son and wife. A launch attempt on Wednesday was called off with less than 17 minutes to go in the countdown because of lightning. On Saturday, stormy weather in Florida threatened another postponement for most of the day, but then the skies began to clear in the afternoon just in time. Nine minutes after liftoff, the 260-foot rocket's first-stage booster landed, as designed, on a barge a few hundred miles off the Florida coast, to be reused on another flight. "Thanks for the great ride to space," Hurley told SpaceX ground control. He and his crewmate batted around a sparkly purple toy, demonstrating that they had reached zero gravity. Bridenstine pronounced it "just an amazing day." SpaceX controllers at Hawthorne, California, cheered and applauded wildly.

President Donald Trump and Vice President Mike Pence flew in for the launch attempt for the second time in four days. "I'm so proud of the people at NASA, all the people that worked together, public and private. When you see a sight like that it's incredible," Trump said after liftoff. Inside Kennedy Space Center, attendance was strictly limited because of the coronavirus, and the small crowd of a few thousand was a shadow of what it would have been without the threat of COVID-19. By NASA's count, over 3 million viewers tuned in online. Despite NASA's insistence that the public stay safe by staying home, spectators gathered along beaches and roads hours in advance. Among them was Neil Wight, a machinist from Buffalo, New York, who staked out a view of the launch pad from a park in Titusville. "It's pretty historically significant in my book, and a lot of other people's books. With everything that's going on in this country right now, it's important that we do things extraordinary in life," Wight said.

"We've been bombarded with doom and gloom for the last six, eight weeks, whatever it is, and this is awesome. It brings a lot of people together." Because of the coronavirus, the astronauts were kept in quasi-quarantine for more than two months before liftoff. The SpaceX technicians who helped them get into their spacesuits wore masks and gloves that made them look like black-clad ninjas. And at the launch centre, the SpaceX controllers were seated far apart. Hurley, a 53-year-old retired Marine, and Behnken, 49, an Air Force colonel, are veterans of two space shuttle flights each. Hurley piloted the space shuttle on the last launch of astronauts from Kennedy, on July 8, 2011. In keeping with Musk's penchant for futuristic flash, the astronauts wore angular white uniforms with black trim. Instead of the usual multitude of dials, knobs and switches, the Dragon capsule has three large touchscreens.

#Elon Musk

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warninggraphiccontent · 5 years

Text

1 November 2019

Bits and pieces

So:

There's an election coming. Finally. Stay tuned to the IfG for all your election needs - and lots of #dataviz, of course *fires up live-blog*

A plea: can we have some useful visualisation about the election results rather than flash but feeble fatuous 3D flapdoodle please? (Yes, broadcasters, I'm looking at you)

Another plea - we've been trying to keep track of MPs announcing they won't stand again in the next election. Spreadsheet here, thread here - get in touch if you spot any we've missed

The subject line on last week's email - 8 March 2019 - was a genuine error and not some deliberate witty comment on the Brexit process and how we haven't moved on since March

Inevitably I missed a brilliant newsletter out of last week's list: Martin Belam's Friday Reading. Last week's included this on the Aberfan disaster

Some great jobs this week (though, as per, subscribe to Jukesie's newsletter if that's what you're after). Of particular note: the brilliant Rachel Rank is stepping down as CEO of 360Giving, a story of real open data impact - an amazing job for someone, and huge shoes to fill. Sam Tazzyman - who gave one of the best Data Bites presentations we've had - has also been in touch with various MoJ jobs, which you can find below

Speaking of Data Bites... there are still a few places left for next Wednesday's event, where we'll hear from Ordnance Survey, the Oil & Gas Authority and the Race Disparity Unit and from DCMS on the National Data Strategy. Join us! Or watch the livestream.

Another data-driven IfG event for your diaries - join us on Wednesday 13 November for the launch of our latest Performance Tracker report on public services.

And finally...

The IfG has launched a new podcast. I am on this week's edition with something completely different. You'll have to listen when it goes live later. But on a completely unrelated note, here are some links about data sonification:

Der Sound zum tiefen Fall der SPD (Berliner Morgenpost)

The gender pay gap in many countries is exacerbated by parenthood—you can hear it in the data* (The Economist)

Chart doctor: the mysterious music of the yield curve* (FT)

Sonification - 50 Years of Income Inequality (Naughty Step)

Data sonification lets you literally hear income inequality (Mic)

What the world map sounds like on a piano (John Keats)

What the world map sounds like on a piano - alternative version (HybridShark)

Have a great weekend, and hopefully see some of you at #odcamp on Sunday

Gavin

Today's links:

Graphic content

The never-ending festival of fun

MPs standing down - thread (me for IfG)

Composition of the Commons (me for IfG)

Membership change (Ketaki for IfG)

Commons defeats (me for IfG)

General elections - days and months (me for IfG)

Vote against a general election (Marcus for IfG)

Vote for a general election (Ketaki for IfG)

How Members of Parliament Voted on Johnson’s December Election Bill* (Bloomberg)

Brexit’s ‘Super Saturday’ (Reuters - a few weeks ago but good)

Countdown to GE2019 (Institute for Government)

‘Toxic’ tweets aimed at MPs soar after Johnson outburst* (FT - with bonus marimekko)

parli-n-grams, now back to 1919 (Giuseppe)

UK general election poll tracker* (FT)

Who is winning the race for 10 Downing Street?* (The Economist)

Why UK election outcome is impossible to predict (Politico)

British politicians - popularity vs fame (BuzzFeed via Duncan Weldon)

Last Orderrrrs! Speaker John Bercow's career in numbers (BBC News)

Politics everywhere else

RESULTADOSEN TODO EL PAÍS (La Nacion)

Landtagswahl 2019 in Thüringen (Thüringer Allgemeine)

Umfragen sind besser als ihr Ruf (Süddeutsche Zeitung)

Weapons of mass control, tactics of mass resistance (Reuters)

People

Ageing, fast and slow: When place and demography collide (Resolution Foundation)

Societies change their minds faster than people do* (The Economist)

The global fertility crash* (Bloomberg)

China worries about its bulging waistlines* (The Economist)

Everything else

Thanks, Whistle-Blower, Your Work Is Done* (New York Times)

Maps: California Fires, Evacuation Zones and Power Outages* (New York Times)

Visualizing personal notes on the history of Western Philosophy (via Alberto Cairo)

How we stopped making all graphics by hand and started printing from our graphics toolbox (NZZ Visuals)

Scraping Hansard with Python and BeautifulSoup (Phil Gorman)

Meta data

UK government

UK lags in Capgemini e-gov rankings for Europe (UKAuthority)

An interview with John Pullinger, former UK National Statistician (Civil Service Quarterly)

Measuring Defence productivity: a first step (Civil Service Quarterly)

Safeguarding our nation's story (Civil Service Quarterly)

DATA-DRIVEN HEALTHCARE: REGULATION & REGULATORS (Reform)

Data as institutional memory (Adam Locker)

Linked identifier schemes: Best practice guide (Geospatial Commission)

Your face or mine

Live facial recognition technology – police forces need to slow down and justify its use (ICO)

Ada Lovelace response

Why did Microsoft fund an Israeli firm that surveils West Bank Palestinians? (NBC News)

Electoral dysfunction

Under the radar: the battle in the online campaigns (Sky News)

Crossing Divides: How a social network could save democracy from deadlock (BBC Click)

Data protection experts want watchdog to investigate Conservative and Labour parties (Sky News)

Revealed: The fearsome data targeting machine that will power Labour's next election campaign – and why some of it could be illegal* (Telegraph)

Twitter's canny political ad ban costs it little – and piles pressure on Facebook (The Guardian)

Key election safeguards won't be ready for December poll (Sky News)

We’ve made the decision to stop all political advertising on Twitter globally... (@jack)

Everything else

Distracted by Data (Elizabeth M. Renieris, Berkman Klein Center)

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE (RSA)

A biased medical algorithm favored white people for health-care programs (MIT Technology Review)

Book Review | Charles Booth’s London Poverty Maps (LSE British Politics and Policy)

From PDFs to Machine-readable planning data: progress on changing London’s planning system (Smart London)

Media amnesia and the Facebook News Tab (Emily Bell, CJR)

The Internet and the Third Estate (Stratechery)

Opportunities

JOB: Chief Executive Officer (360Giving)

JOB: Grade 7 Senior Interaction Designer (MHCLG)

JOB: Research Assistant or Associate (Global Data Barometer)

JOB: Lead, OGP Local (Open Government Partnership)

OPPORTUNITY: Data Justice Fellowship (Data Justice Lab)

EVENT: Performance Tracker launch - Election 2019: The next five years of spending on public services (Institute for Government)

And MoJ have been in touch with some jobs:

Come and join the Data Engineering team here at MoJ!

We’re doing modern data engineering in Python using AWS, Docker, Kubernetes, and Airflow, and incorporating automated testing, CI/CD workflows, and all of that good stuff. We’re making a genuine difference to how data flows around the Ministry of Justice. Our team and influence are growing all the time. In this recruitment round we are seeking people at three different levels of seniority, and are generally looking for people with coding experience who want to learn about and influence how analysis and data science are going to be done in the near future. Come and be part of a revolution in how data is done in government!

Grade 7

Band B / SEO

Band C / HEO

And finally...

Season's greetings

Halloween... (Keri Blakinger and George Greenwood)

Daylight savings: Brits take lighter evenings over an extra hour in bed (YouGov)

Hellvetica

Haunted houses have a chilling effect on the property market* (The Economist)

Everything else

Bar chart race: NHL top 25 all-time point scorers (Neil Richards)

Every Proper Noun on Kanye West’s Jesus Is King, Charted and Annotated (Slate)

UI vs. UX (Chris Albon)

Swearing on Mumsnet's 'Brexit' board (via Jonathan)

Winning here... (Bath and North East Somerset Lib Dems)

#datagovernance (via Sean McDonald)

Laughing On Line (The Pudding)

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itswreckery · 5 years

Text

Fix Up or Break Up: Knowing When it’s Time to Sell Your Car

Like the 1962 melody by Neil Sedaka says, “Breaking up is hard to do.” obviously, he was discussing love, and we’re talking about vehicles. However, it very well may be challenging to admit it is time to let go of a beloved vehicle. One of the many choices factors about realizing when it is time to sell your vehicle is deciding whether to fix up or break up with your trusty ride. His article will refer to two distinct approaches to approach this issue.

Contrast Repair Costs with the Car’s Value

One approach to choose the issue is to compare what you are facing in costs to keep your vehicle on the road versus what your vehicle is worth. The thought is that when the expenses of maintaining the vehicle going outweigh its value, then it is time to let it go. Some particular things need to go into this estimation to get it right. Become familiar with this in our last article, How to Tell When It Is Time to Sell Your Vehicle. It will give you all that you have to know to approach the issues from this angle.

Contrast Repair Costs with Replacement Cost

While it is helpful to know whether fix and maintenance costs are drawing near to or exceeding your vehicle’s value, that is not the only method to choose to sell or not sell. Remember that if you sell your vehicle for money, you will need another one, correct? It makes sense to take a gander at your repair and maintenance costs versus what you’ll have to spend on a replacement vehicle.

It is simple to see how can misunderstand the circumstance they are in. Suppose you have had a vehicle for years and years and unexpectedly you discover it needs $1,700 of repairs to keep it going. As you are driving near around, you begin tuning in to ads for high vehicles with monthly payments of $200-$300 a month. Avoiding the big fix bill, you are facing now with an extraordinary new ride for a genuinely sensible monthly payment can appear like a very attractive choice, right?

If you adopt a moderate strategy to this circumstance, the general principle of thumb is that it is quite often better from a long-term financial perspective to do the fixes on your current Auto. This is particularly real if you are considering going with a brand new vehicle as a replacement. They are very extravagant, even though the regularly scheduled installment feels sensible. Remember you will be making that amount for years to come. Thanks to immediate depreciation, you will also be owing more than the vehicle is for at any rate quite a long while.

Here is how to make sense of the decision point in terms of numbers. If the fix costs you are confronting exceed a year is worth of monthly installment of fee for the kind of replacement vehicle you have in mind, at that point it truly is an ideal opportunity to separate, not fix up.

This methodology depends, clearly, on what kind of replacement vehicle you have in mind. The new vehicle is expensive. A more modern used vehicle, however, in good structure and with low miles can be significantly less costly while as yet giving you the reliable transportation you need, with a less fix bills than your present vehicle.

For more tips and advice on choosing whether or not to sell your vehicle, read another of our past articles, How Do I Know When It is Time to Sell My vehicle?

Read More: Why Is Cash for Car Services Valuable in Australia?

Time to Break Up? Sell Your Car to Wreckery Car Wrecker

When you choose, it is time to sell your vehicle, whatever the reason, we welcome you to come to WreckeryCarWrecker and see how we purchase cars. We make it as simple to cruise in and cash out for what it’s worth at any business, but we will put more cash in your pocket than a vendor will give you. You can even get a quick and fast quote online that is good for a full 30 days, which is superior to anything you will find anywhere else. We do this because we are confident that once you see how good our offer is compared to others, you will be back to sell your vehicle to Us!

Read More: Where Should You Go for Value of Scrapping Vehicles?

#Car Wreckers Brisbane #sell your car #same day cash payment for car

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badacts · 7 years

Text

feeling’s mutual

(an inadvertent new-year-themed sequel to this because of Her (@ilgaksu)

I know parties aren’t your scene, Cooper had said, but it’s a team requirement. And you can bring your boy!

Andrew’s ‘boy’ isn’t the type to party either, but his interest in Andrew’s teammates almost rivals their curiosity about him. Andrew never had any intentions of passing on the invitation, which is probably why Cooper ended up going around him and to Neil directly.

That’s why Neil is here in New York at the Rebels’ New Year’s Eve party, sliding into the gap at Andrew’s side and handing over one of the drinks he just collected from the bar. We just have to stay until midnight, Neil had said earlier as he haphazardly looped his tie around his neck up in their hotel room.

He didn’t do a neat job on the knot - it looks that way now because Andrew has righted it into something suitable for the elegant tailored lines of the suit he’s wearing. Twice. Andrew messed it up in the middle himself, in order to wipe the amusement off of Neil’s face.

Right now, Neil’s somewhere between his cool business face and tipsy, caught up in the camaraderie of the Rebels. They’re nothing like the Foxes, but there’s a taste of the inclusivity of Wilds’ lot that Neil has never been able to resist. That’s probably why he’s drinking more freely than he usually would around near-strangers, his shoulders loose with it as he presses warm into Andrew’s side.

Andrew doesn’t care for the Rebel offensive line, but he can deal with defence. Cooper seems intent on squiring him around for the night - probably so he can’t leave early - but she also seems to know that his tolerance is dependant on the people around him. For that reason they’re in a huddle in one corner, rarely interrupted by the glittering sponsors this event is really for and murmuring amongst themselves.

They’ve already discussed the Fox’s fall season in detail, the one guaranteed ice-breaker topic for conversations with Neil, as well as the rest of the NCAA tops teams. It’s a sign of spending too much time with Kevin that Neil speaks in such a complimentary way about the Trojans. They get his patented expression of stone at mention of the Ravens, but they’re aware enough to move on when they do.

That merely means they’ve done some research beforehand, of course. Either way, after a few hours and quite a lot of champagne, they’ve finally moved away from discussing Exy and onto people-watching.

“Look at that one,” Cooper says, flicking her fingers over Andrew’s shoulder. He doesn’t bother looking, but the others do. “I bet he’ll try grope my ass at some point after midnight. He looks like the type.”

Neil hadn’t turned either - too busy looking at Andrew still - but he does at that. Andrew can make out the twist to his mouth from the corner of his eye. “I’ll break his wrist if he tries.”

“That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me,” Cooper says. She looks genuinely delighted over the offer. Exy players are all the same, it seems - they love a decent threat of violence. Neil grins at her, uninhibited enough that all his teeth show. “Minyard, this one can stay. I like him.”

“Feeling’s mutual,” Neil replies, which is how Andrew knows that he’s less tipsy than he is well on his way to drunk. It’s not even midnight yet. Thankfully the others aren’t quite sober either, but they know a soft spot when they see one.

Neil got himself into this mess, though.

Anita, the Rebel’s starting defensive dealer, says to Neil, “I like your tie, by the way.”

“Oh, thanks,” Neil replies cheerfully. “Andrew bought it for me.”

If Andrew were the type, he’d feel a sinking sensation at that. Especially when Neil goes on with, “We match, see?”

Even after a win, Andrew hasn’t ever seen this group of people look so delighted. Cooper smothers a laugh behind her hand - Pierce and Shearer are smiling outright.

“You do match,” Anita agrees. “They’re nice colours. Where do you buy your suits?”

Neil blinks, guileless. “Um...Andrew?”

He couldn’t be doing a better imitation of Andrew’s kept man if he were trying. “Yours is Hugo Boss.” The deep dark red of it, a purer shade than his auburn hair, looks suitably unique on him. A tie the same colour stands out against the charcoal of Andrew’s own suit.

“Does he pick out all your clothes?” Pierce asks Neil good-naturedly. When Neil showed up to practice a while back, Pierce had clumsily assured Andrew that none of the Rebels cared about Andrew’s orientation before anyone else. It’s only turned out to be a lie in terms of their fascination with Andrew’s relationship.

“Not all of them,” Neil replies. “Just the nice ones.”

He’s so clueless. Andrew wishes they would make almost-undetectable death threats instead, because in that case Neil would have shut up and made a break for it fifteen minutes ago.

“He has excellent taste,” Cooper says, her voice squeaking on a giggle.

“Yeah,” Neil agrees, fidgeting with the hem of his suit jacket as he looks down at himself. When he looks up he looks straight to Andrew, his cheeks pinking with a blush. “I think so.”

Andrew could say that he’s changed his tune over the years, maybe remind him of an outfit that ended up stuffed in a toilet in Columbia, but it would be too easy. There’s no way he will be embarrassed about this. He’s completely earnest, as he always is with Andrew. On the other hand, if he keeps talking Andrew might have to kill him, and Exy team’s New Year Celebrations End in Murder-Suicide likely isn’t the headline the Rebel management team were hoping for after this party.

Meadow, one of the second line strikers, appears at the fringe of their circle. “The fireworks are going to start in a bit, if you guys want to get a spot by the windows.”

“Thanks,” Cooper says to him absently, and then to Andrew, “We’re continuing this chat later. I need to know more about men’s fashion.”

“Making a foray into cross-dressing?” Shearer teases her, before his smile falls off his face. “Not, um, that I have a problem with that. Obviously.”

“Fuck off,” Andrew tells them both, letting Neil pull him away by the hand towards the windows.

The entire room of people counts down to midnight with the lights turned off so they can see out the windows better. Andrew is sure that plenty of couples take the opportunity to kiss in the dark, but he settles for winding an arm around Neil’s shoulders.

While they watch, fingers curl into his and interlock, and Neil’s head falls back to his shoulder. By the time the lights flicker back to life with a smatter of cheers and clapping, they’re not touching anymore, but Andrew can still feel the ghost weight of Neil’s head against his collarbone.

They don’t stay long after that. The others only get a chance to wave at them through the crowds before they go up to room booked in Andrew’s name tonight. It’s fancier than their usual, though that’s because it’s organised through the team - there are Rebels sleeping on either side of them tonight.

Andrew showers, leaving Neil clumsily dismantling his suit into pieces that will no doubt be wrinkled to hell tomorrow after a night on the floor. By the time he comes out in a rush of steam to hang up his own suit, Neil is burrowed underneath the duvet in a quiet lump. He isn’t asleep yet, turning his head to watch Andrew walk across the carpet.

“I like your team,” Neil murmurs half into the pillow. In the lamplight, his eyes are luminous, even half-closed with drowsiness. Andrew flicks the light off and slides into the bed, feeling the shift of Neil’s weight as he moves closer.

“Go to sleep,” Andrew recommends. They aren’t touching - Neil’s drunk, and even now they usually don’t like this - but Andrew can feel the heat of his body at a distance of a bare few inches.

“They’re nice,” Neil mutters. “And they like you, Kristen was telling me-”

Andrew is going to smother him. “Be quiet.”

Neil is a invasive presence, worming his way into every aspect of Andrew’s life in his attempts to know every single part of him. That’s the only explanation for the ease with which he reaches out and squeezes Andrew’s hand where it lies between them on the mattress, no groping around even in the pitch darkness.

“Good night,” he whispers, and then lets go again. He’s been asleep for a while, breathing deep and even, before Andrew’s skin forgets the feel of his fingers.

Team breakfast gets pushed back in the morning to brunch, in order to accomodate the hangovers that go carefully unmentioned to keep up an aura of professionalism. Andrew, who doesn’t even have a dry mouth, ventures down to the hotel restaurant alone and finds the table set for the team and their partners in attendance with a full buffet. The only other occupants are Pierce, Wilson and Cooper, who look barely awake.

He bypasses them without a greeting to serve himself some food, then backtracks and pulls out a seat next to them. They’re busy gossiping and don’t bother trying to draw Andrew into the conversation, having gotten used to his silence by now. By the time he’s halfway through his plate of food, several more Rebels have emerged, blinking and varying degrees of healthy, so that the table starts to fill.

Cooper turns to look at him, leaning back in her seat. “You two left early last night,” she says not quietly enough, and with the edge of a grin.

Andrew barely raises an eyebrow in reply. She continues, “I brought ear plugs with me, but we didn’t get in until after three. You guys were probably asleep by then.”

Teasing like this is common to the Rebels, but Andrew has never been the focus of it before. He’s pretty sure at least part of the team’s interest in Neil is a fascination with the person who Andrew lets that close. It turns out he isn’t a murderous goal-keeping robot after all.

Andrew doesn’t care. The Foxes never miss a chance to make a sex joke, which is annoying but also eventually stopped setting the back of his neck to prickling. Exposure therapy in practice, Betsy would say. He thinks that someone taking it too far might still end up with a knife to their throat, but it’s been a while and he wouldn’t be here if he thought these people were the type.

“Hey,” comes from behind him, accompanied a moment later by a hand on his shoulder. Neil uses it like a handhold as he slumps into the empty chair at Andrew’s side. He’s procured himself a cup of coffee but nothing to eat.

Andrew knows what Neil looks like this morning - he saw him barely stirring in bed, rumpled and heavy-eyed and sporting a small collection of pink-purple marks on his throat from their interlude yesterday before the party, exposed by the lower collar of his t-shirt. He watches Cooper look Neil up and down instead of looking himself.

“Good night?” she asks, smile broadening. Her tone is salacious.

“Mmph,” Neil replies into his coffee mug. “I’m eating and going back to bed. Maybe thanking whoever organised late checkout.”

He doesn’t look hungover, even though he definitely is. He looks well-fucked, sleepy, and in good humour, smiling at Andrew as he levers himself up again on his shoulder.

That’s what he looks like. In reality, it has nothing to do with sex. Neil has looked like that since he woke up, since he leaned across the mattress and kissed Andrew with a mouth that tasted like the place wine went to die and said I like to wake up next to you. Even the frown that Andrew earned when he asked if Neil was still drunk was short-lived.

Andrew still doesn’t care. She and the others can and will think what they like, no matter what either of them say.

“He’s so cute and oblivious,” Cooper sighs once Neil’s gone, before giving Andrew a look. “He’s way too good for you. You better keep him bringing him around.”

“I can’t get rid of him,” Andrew replies, which is the absolute truth.

#the foxhole court #andreil #my fic #post canon #embarrassment #doing dumb stuff while drinking #idiots liking each other v much #sarah is a bad influence #good influence?#both?#both #neil's fifth year

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theleadpedalpodcast · 4 years

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LP505 Human Resources for Owner Operators

Human Resources for Owner Operators

Have you thought of hiring family members to work in the family business? Are you an owner operator with multiple trucks trying to start your own mini fleet and need to hire drivers? Bruce chats with human resource expert Neil Cosby about some of the items employers of small businesses need to put in place in order to protect themselves from employee problems down the road. Cosby is a thirty year veteran human resource professional working with HR Primed In the Niagara Ontario region. You can learn more about HR Primed at www.hrprimed.ca

This episode is sponsored by Mystik Lubricants offering quality tested oils and lubricants for trucks and heavy machinery. Learn more about their products at www.mystiklubes.com

This episode is sponsored by Bison Transport with many opportunities for truck drivers in their fleet across Canada. You can learn more about Bison and the opportunities available at www.BisonHeroes.com or call 1-800-527-5781 #ThankADriver @BisonTransport

Our tune of the day is Between Sundays by The Thompsons off their Miles and Miles. You can learn about the band at www.dannythompsonband.com

About the Show

JOIN THE LEAD PEDAL PODCAST FAN CLUB www.TheLeadPedalPodcastFanClub.com

The Lead Pedal Podcast for Truck Drivers talks all things trucking for people in the transportation industry helping them improve their business and careers. Interviews with industry professionals and truck drivers, trucking information, and other features on the industry are meant to be helpful for truck drivers and those in transportation. The Lead Pedal Podcast for Truck Drivers has main episodes released every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday with bonus material on other days. You can learn more about the host and show on our website and make sure to SUBSCRIBE to the show on your favourite podcast platform. www.theleadpedalpodcast.com

What does The Lead Pedal Podcast mean? The Lead (pronounced - Led) stands for acceleration or fast-track of your career or business. It is a play on words and we certainly are not here promoting speeding in the industry. We are hoping this information will help you become a professional driver faster than if you didn’t know about many of these topics.

Are you enjoying the show? If so we would appreciate you leaving us a rating and review on iTunes or on your favourite podcast platform. The show is available at www.theleadpedalpodcast.com , ITunes, Stitcher, Spotify, Tunein, iHeartradio, SoundCloud, and other popular podcast platforms. Thanks for listening

Join The Lead Pedal Podcast Fan Club where are loyal fans get first chance at specials, discounts on merchandise and much more.The club is free to join and you can learn more at www.theleadpedalpodcastfanclub.com

Check out the latest episode on The Lead Pedal Podcast

#truckdrivers careers business trucking

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locuras-blog1 · 4 years

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Truth be told, “BETTER THAN HOLLYWOOD”. Series`19 N0.1 bugalu’s 60th. birthday concert

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Check out https://ift.tt/2P7NVs6 and stay tuned for Bugalu’s new instructional video! Truth Be told, “BETTER THAN HOLLYWOOD “. Series`19 N0.2 bugalu’s 60th. Birthday concert By Marvin Bugalu Smith Steve Habib January 2 at 1:50pm This performance is right down to THE TRUTH IN THE MOMENT. Nothing is held back as each of the three becomes “THE WHOLE” at any given moment.. This “TRUTH BE TOLD,BETTER THAN HOLLYWOOD SERIES 19 SONG #!” represents life which is ALWAYS “IN THE MOMENT” with nothing planned but PURE EMOTIONS being delivered with sound vibrations that create actual reds,blues,greens violets,oranges whites,blacks and precious moments of silence between the notes,where it’s all happening and making this particular piece a “BU GA LU CLASSIC” and a MASTER PIECE OF SUPREME IMPROVISING”. This is one of the most emotional pieces of music and it should be because it represents THE START OF 2010, a year year and a new begining for all. Each of these guys becomes part of the other and evolves into a oneness that can’t be mistaken for anything but THE TRUTH and they’re telling it here and it’s being done in a REAL ENVIRONMENT with no HOLLYWOOD GLITTER and NONSENSE. THIS IS LOVE and PEACE communicated with the highest level of musicianship. Marvin is MASTER of DRUMS,Neil is MASTER of KEYS and MARK is MASTER of BASS. All three are MASTER COMPOSERS getting together and creating here exactly what Neil’s reaction was :”WOW”! It is WOW and I’ll second that. I almost miniaturized myself and jumped into this computer while I was writing these liner notes because I know these guys so well and was moved so deeply at that moment I first started listening to this. Too bad I was so far away from the Newburgh , NY site where this was recorded but I’ll tell you that the music was so powerful that it didn’t matter where I was because I started playing it in my heart and joined in with these guys and entered another dimension. It’s true. I’m in it and enjoyed it as if I were a fourth guy in this group. I also must admit that because it was Marvin’s Birthday Evening, I actually did transfer myself into PURE SPIRIT and show up there. Can you hear it between the NOTES if you don’t quite understand the dimension I’m talking from.Loud,soft, fire,rain,water,wind earth,mud,sand,waves,stillness,open sky,infinite space,mass of matter,lack of matter,breath,energy felt through warm love,energy felt through actual colors with sound moving rainbows.. A REAL STRONG EXAMPLE OF GIVING IT ALL AWAY FOR WORLD PEACE. THIS SERIES 19 SONG #! is The Bu GA LU Birthday PRESENT OF ALL TIME,especially THE PRESENT OF THE MOMENT! STEVE HABIB

Jazz Didn’t Die in The history books, its still here in our hearts, Lorenzo Daughtry-Chambers Jazz 100 Professor Butter fielde

Attached is the paper we spoke about. What I have done is tried to consider some of the themes we spoke about it in class regarding jazz and stylistic principles, through the thread of my uncle’s life. I wrote the piece in a series of stages, in which I give a biographical overview coupled with anecdotes, actual teachings of my uncle, an overview of the jam session and what it and he ultimately accomplish. I also try to give the larger significance of the story within a larger context, and explain why it is important to non-musicians. I hope you enjoy it. I found through writing this piece that it was to be and should be much more than I did here, and consequently forced me in a different direction than I initially intended, I feel with more anecdotes, and emphasis in certain areas, my uncles story would be a good book or movie I may consider writing (entertaining if nothing else). I wrote this as a surprise for my uncle. Thank you for this opportunity. I really enjoyed the class, and I will be talking with family and thinking of proposals for my independent study over the break.

Best,

Lorenzo

— -Lorenzo D. Chambers

Franklin And Marshall College 2011 President Of I.M.P.A.C.T.

Franklin & Marshall College #425 PO Box 3220 Lancaster, PA 17604-3220

“We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.” — Winston Churchill

Jazz Didn’t Die in The history books, its still here in our hearts, Lorenzo Daughtry-Chambers Jazz 100 Professor Butterfield

In life, it is the ultimate joy to develop a relationship with an individual so strikingly unique and utterly expressive, it leaves you in amazement. How does someone teach creativity? It starts with the self, It starts with the understanding of ones position within the spectrum of the universe, which is miniscule but infinite. Born in Englewood New Jersey , Marvin “Bugalu” Smith began playing drums at age two under the tutelage of his older brother, Earl “Buster” Smith. In Marvin’s younger years, he witnessed his brother play with greats like Eric Dolphy, and studied his brother’s teachings. Marvin describes his early start in music as tough. His brother was a hard teacher, not allowing him to even sit on the drums until he had watched for countless hours. Marvin practiced daily before and after school to get better at the drums, and to meet the approval of his brother for further study. Born with dyslexia in a time before dyslexia was even diagnosed, Marvin found it hard to concentrate in school and was often ostracized because of his uncategorized difference. Marvin turned to the drums and sought to define himself as different, special, and more skilful than those that had mistreated him. What he found along his path toward greatness is what he shares with young musicians today. In the jazz tradition, the jam session is know as the place where musicians come to play, get better, get gigs, and overall workshop themselves. The early Jam sessions at Minton’s and Monroe’s birthed Be-bop through the minds of great jazz legends like Dizzy Gillespie, Charlie parker, John Coltrane and countless others. At the age of seventeen, Marvin began traveling to the numerous jam sessions trying to showcase his skill and gain entrance and respect in the jazz scene. He still remembers the days of the old jam sessions, which he, and scholars support were usually “cutting contests” in which the competition was fierce and reactions to poor play were often brutish. There were no actual prizes to obtain, but in the world of music and musicianship, pride and ego are more than enough. Marvin remembers most vividly the nights he was sent home from the sessions feeling defeated and undercut. “I was playing good, but in realty they were playing better then me. So I got an idea, and that was to study everything that the greats played at these sessions. So I started on this work, this was my great journey, to learn the great secret of the drums. It took me years, but I believe this is the greatest part of my story. Getting sent home was the best thing that happened to me, because I kept going back to the practice pad, learning my 26 six rudiments of the drums, learning how to swing on the ride cymbal, learning how to play four, eight, sixteen, and 32 bar solo’s. What I learned was how to work hard, and that’s what it takes, hard work, now, today!

The experiences of Marvin’s early disappointments and victories helped him find understanding of the necessities of greatness. He underscores the mastery of the basics through countless hours of study and practice, so that in the end, on the bandstand one can truly ascend to a higher level.

“The first thing you must do is get the technique under your hands, to the point were you don’t have to think about it on the bandstand. At this point, your mind is free, not heavy from thinking. Thinking will slow you down, and make you have a lot of hesitation in your playing; the key to effortless playing is to flow like water, so that even mistakes are themselves music. Then, music is in the realm of no rights, and no wrongs. This is the realm of “perfection,” and effortless playing.”

The above quote highlights the brilliance that is Marvin’s ability to see seemingly opposite entities as one, not divergent, but co-operative. Marvin learned early that it is through being in touch with the utmost true self that we control our surroundings. Not through force or will, but through openness and free flowing motion, like water. Marvin believes in always sharing lessons and knowledge. The amazing thing is he will repeat the same thing and re-tell stories, each time emphasizing a different yet profound lesson of life. The thing about these interactions is that they are completely unassuming. Marvin’s personality is embracing and enrolling which provide you no choice but to be happy, as your energy is lifted in his presence. This can be attributed to his commitment to a higher level of creation in everything he does.

Today, Marvin can be seen at gigs with a series of capes, hats, canes, or other accessories. Depending on his mood, he can wear a black cape with gold ornamentation draped to the floor, or a quarter length zebra print pea coat. A mister Miyagi style hat, or a Michael Jackson honoring fedora as well. Marvin’s wisdom is always delivered similarly to his appearance, very directly and unashamedly. His early experiences taught him that the master musician is always honest regarding their music. He is not hesitant to let his thoughts be known. Surrounded by a culture of rampant drug use, womanizing, and extravagance within the camps of major jazz artists, Marvin witnessed, and participated in many things that hardened his exterior. It is because of these experiences that his delivery is sometimes abrasive, but the love and energy behind his intent eludes to his true loving, generous, and warm interior. Marvin learned the principles of dedication, hard work, and openness through spending considerable time with his many teachers. Marvin has been a lifetime learner and understood that to be great he had to study and understand the greats. Marvin teaches that a large part of musicianship is knowing where the music is coming from, within a historical context, so as to know where the possibilities for growth are. In his lifetime, Marvin has personally studied with master drummers Art Blakey, Max Roach, Elvin Jones, Roy Hayes, Art Taylor, and his most important and influential teacher, his brother Earl “Buster” Smith. Marvin studied these master drummers, and figured out what made them great. Marvin believes the best way he can honor jazz music, its history, and himself, is to pass along the knowledge and lessons he learned along his journey. Marvin has always found himself around music. At 16, he worked for the Tom Sound Recording Company. While there, he recorded with, and around great stars of the time including James Brown, Lola Falana, and Sam and Dave.. In 1969, Marvin Joined singer Rocky Roberts’ band and moved to Italy . Marvin enjoyed the people and the culture of Italy immensely and consequently spent 25 years living in Europe . During this time Marvin was fortunate enough to play with Chet Baker, Art Farmer, Mal Waldron, and Charles Mingus. Marvin’s career saw even further heights, eventually playing and touring with Archie Shepp and Sun Ra. Marvin speaks often about how influential the two men would be in his career and life. With Shepp, Marvin toured the world and recorded often, he notes that it was during his time with Shepp he coined his concept of “the timing of the drum,” a philosophy based on the idea that rhythm in music, follows the universal rhythms of life. This shows a clear influence from the free Avante Garde jazz Shepp and his group was often known for playing. On his gig with Sun Ra Marvin remarks, “One night in 1987, I had this gig in a club directly across the street from this club Sun Ra was playing at. I went on over to say what’s up to the cats and chill for a bit, I knew Sun Ra from way back so I was going to see my man. When I got in there Sun Ra and John Gilmore greeted me, and had me sit in for a set. Man, you know I went up there and burned the joint down.” Marvin’s interpretation of the moment and energy of the songs resulted in Sun Ra offering Marvin the gig the next day. Play what is needed, not just the technical part or what is written, or what is correct. Drummers program themselves for the bandstand, and lose the opportunity to play in the moment, and what is the song is saying. Learn to play what is needed, for this you need big ears. Technical playing is not the end of drumming, it’s only the beginning, it’s about the quality of the song, and the quality of what you put in it.

During his world travels, Marvin embarked on a spiritual journey on which he found Buddhism. He developed an appreciation for giving, and the recycling and reciprocation within the universe. Additionally he began to see all aspects of life holistically, which he applies to the drums. Marvin’s experiences helped him see the world in an open and transformative way. Now 58 years old, Marvin runs a school where he teaches a new generation of jazz drummers, and other musicians are given a home to play and learn as well. Marvin emphasizes to his students the importance of challenging the status quo and moving forward, values fundamental to the culture of the post-bop/ Avante Garde eras of jazz. It is his synthesis of the lessons from the big band, swing, bop, and post bop drummers, with his own style and personal influence that makes his playing so impact-full, and his lessons so effective. Marvin’s school rests on the shoulders of three men, from differing backgrounds, who find commonplace in their commitment to the human spirit, the progression of jazz, and themselves as musicians.As college students at S.U.N.Y. New Paltz, Andrew Greeney, and Kasai Riddick studied music. While in school they met Marvin and began studying with him. Initially they were slow to accept and understanding Marvin’s teachings because the teachings challenged the mind to approach the drums more universally and abstractly, and not as academically as they were taught to. As time passed, Marvin began to gain the trust of Kasai and Andrew and their relationship began to develop into something more than just a musical tutelage, it became one of genuine compassion and respect, and true love. Marvin’s musical and spiritual teachings have led Marvin, Andrew and Kasai today to a place of formidable strength within the community of those who charge themselves with preserving jazz. Today, Marvin, Andrew, and Kasai run two jam sessions, one in Poughkeepsie New York , and one in Newburg New York. These sessions, created in the spirit of love for jazz music is a beacon of hope in areas most people don’t want to go. Historically, jazz has been associated with the “sin economy,” booming in times of hardship and taking place in less than reputable places. These sessions, through necessity embrace that aspect of their situation, as they take place in poor neighborhoods that many developers have long avoided. The sessions bring a positive, creative atmosphere that encourages fellowship through jazz music. This is a testament to the healing power of the music Marvin and his students play. The jazz jam session used to be the stage for “cutting contests,” but under Marvin’s definition these jam sessions are “classrooms,” where students come to learn and experience true live jazz. The format for the session is the same each week, either a trio or quartet of Marvin’s peers are featured for a three to four song set, and then the session is opened up, where Marvin’s students play, and any other musicians get up to play with the remaining people on the bandstand. This goes on until all newcomers have had an opportunity to play, and then the headlining band closes the evening. The personnel of the lineup changes each week, a strategic move Marvin believes keeps the bandstand fresh and exciting. Each week features stellar musicians just as accomplished as Marvin, whom he has formed both personal and musical relationships with. Marvin uses the jam sessions to put into practice the lessons he has taught his students during weekly rudimentary lessons. Marvin’s style of teaching is to trace analogies between the spiritual, kinetic and the tangible. For example, one of Marvin’s teachings explains the purposes of the drums through comparison to the elements of the universe. Marvin calls “Earth Motion” the bass drum, mother drum, mother nature in which the sound of the bass drum or low toms under gird the other elements or drums, providing an explosion and feeling of grounded ness. Marvin teaches in jazz drumming the bass drum should be lightly feathered as opposed to static, in order to encourage flow. Marvin considers the cymbals played without the bass drum “wind.” Marvin says that the light sound of the cymbals reflects the energy of wind, and it is understood by knowing which cymbal to use, when, and for how long. “Water,” Marvin teaches is the shape of what is heard in the music. It is achieved by using the feelings deep inside oneself and results in intuition on the bandstand. Marvin contends Space is the most important element, and is comprised of the filling of space both with and without sound. What is the larger relevance of Marvin’s school and story? Firstly, it reflects the original intent of jazz, keeping it alive by teaching the next generation of musicians just as Marvin was taught. But also, Marvin’s story and teachings are remarkable, and give example and inspiration not only for drummers but all musicians. Additionally, Marvin’s story of redemption, hope, and dedication are inspirational to anyone wanting to become the best they possibly can at whatever it is they chose. Marvin “Bugalu” Smith is quite honestly the most interesting human being anyone will have the opportunity to meet. A masterful teacher filled with infinite wisdom, trapped within the confines of a context and time period. His Speech sometimes latent with disdain reminiscent of Miles Davis yet is filled with joviality comparable to Dizzy Gillespie. His playing is amazingly free and arguably healing, and his urge to share makes Marvin truly remarkable.

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Marvin bugalu Smith drums Neil Alexander piano Mark Hagan bass Likes: 36 Viewed:

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topicprinter · 5 years

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Hey - Pat from StarterStory.com here with another interview.Today's interview is with Gabriele Contilli of Rocket PPC, a brand that sells pay per click consulting services.Some stats:Product: Pay per click consulting services.Revenue/mo: $30,000Started: January 2018Location: Reggio EmiliaFounders: 2Employees: 1Hello! Who are you and what business did you start?Hi everybody, my name is Gabriele Contilli and I am the co-founder of Rocket PPC - a Pay per Click agency based in Italy with a highly-experienced team of specialists.When Pasquale and I decided to launch our own agency, we had 3 clear objectives:To specifically hire highly-talented and experienced peopleTo start and to stay fully-remoteTo work only for large clients and/or promising startupsThe main idea behind Rocket PPC is to grant our customers the highest level of PPC management and help them discover new ways of growing their businesses through online advertising.As marketers, we truly believe that Pay per Click is - nowadays - the best channel to grow any business and help CMOs and CEOs reach their business and marketing goals. It is the only way to support a business in this unstable and unpredictable market scenario, in which any goal can be changed, deleted, or modified in a matter of days.We started our business with a very underrated business plan: our goal was to reach our break-even point (100k) in the first 12 months. The first year has been a true success and we exceeded our original expectations by reaching a double amount.Our main KPI, however, was the churn rate of our clients: we were willing to keep it as low as possible, in order to keep growing on solid basis year over year. After the first 12 months, we only lost 10% of our clients due to internal changes and not to our errors or fault. I this way we were able to plan a second year with a +50% in revenues that drove us in the 30k/monthly revenue range.imageWhat's your backstory and how did you come up with the idea?Pasquale and I work in the digital marketing field since… ever! We started when Facebook was not yet existing - so you can imagine how many things have changed in all those years. We first met in a large web marketing agency in Italy and we worked together for a couple of years, side by side for large clients.After that, we both followed our growing path working on the client side or in other agencies, trying to get the best from all our jobs. It took something around 4-5 years to finally start talking seriously about our “dream job”.We both wanted to start our own thing: a Pay per Click consultant service without compromises.We are aware that digital marketing is not a perfect field and even if it allows to create mathematical models and to draw graphs and projections, it is almost impossible to define the results of each activity. That is, of course, alright, but many agencies and freelancers consultants use this unpredictability as a “shield” to protect themselves and their work from client’s objections.We, however, wanted a new model, in which we were able to make a real difference in client’s business.That is why we decided to sell PPC services and leave all the other “marketing services” outside: with Pay per Click you can obtain quick results and validate marketing ideas, so companies can better decide their next business goals. You can also make hypothesis in terms of budget and revenues , so clients have something to rely on beyond your promises.Take us through the process of designing, prototyping, and manufacturing your first product.When we decided that we were ready to launch our own agency, we started analyzing startup costs and break-even point. It was not very hard because we decided to restrict initial costs and let us say: start small!We ran a simple business plan including:Minimum salaryFixed costsTools and Hardware% overall marginWe expected a slower launch, but we made a ** 2.5x in revenues**. That’s an important lesson for anyone who is planning to launch a business: plan & analyze as long as needed, but get ready that your assumptions can always get better tuned!Since we had a significant experience with the Italian digital marketing area, the process of launching our company was quite easy:We analyzed all the contacts and potential clients we could reach in the first 6 monthsWe also checked all the active contracts or projects we recently worked on in our spare timeAt the end of the process, we had something between 10 and 20 potential customers to contact and start proposing our services.In addition, another important theme was our ability to send out highly specific quotes: we sent out files with budgets, ideas of campaigns and paid channels to activate, and even revenues and overall ROAS. These are preliminary analysis that beat our competitors since we were able to actually generate models and make accurate predictions for our clients.The first 10 clients signed a contract with us in less than 90 days.Launching Rocket PPC was very easy. During the few last months before our first presentation to the digital marketing world, I worked in order to get the first clients onboard. During that process, I was mainly exposing an idea to them rather than a real agency. We also had friends and ex-teammates who were working with clients that we would have liked to collaborate with them, so I simply contacted them and explained what we were going to do.Our expertise and our preliminary analysis seemed to be a good warranty for them.Once I heard Eric Siu and Neil Patel in a podcast saying “Start a business when you are around 30s” and I think that’s a great advice. If you start a business when you’re 32 or 35 years old, you should already have good connections in you market: if you browse your LinkedIn network or your address book, you should see a lot of opportunities in them and that’s a great way to start something especially in the Consulting field.You also need a professional image, and it is very important to work on it before starting.We decided to create our brand image since the beginning, even if with a very “simple style”. We found out a small design studio in our area and decided to hire them to:Define our logo and brand identityHelp us create templates for PowerPoint and Word documentsDevelop our websiteHaving these materials helped us sending out, in the first weeks, very professional quotes and analysis: I am pretty confident that this attention to detail helped us a lot in winning some clients against other agencies or consultants.imageSince launch, what has worked to attract and retain customers?Our business is basically based on relationships and proven results. We can be the best in class but we need connections with people to have a chance to “sell” our services and our results. Especially in Italy, the market is full of digital marketing agencies which are composed of 50% or more by sales people. We are not.Our marketing strategy is simple: do the best you can to provide results, document them and attract new customers with similar needs.That makes our best “sales weapon” our actual customers who can spread the word about us and help Rocket PPC build new relationships and connections. We have been lucky enough to start with highly prestigious clients since we started, and as we were expecting, good clients lead to other good clients.But I have to be honest: since Rocket PPC was our first entrepreneurial adventure, we were not totally aware of actual costs of it, thus we started by accepting all kinds of clients in the first 6-10 months in order to “make money to pay bills”. We knew that it was important for us to reach our business goals and since we did not know how the sales process could affect our revenues, we basically seized every opportunity. I have to say now, 18 months later, that this was not a good strategy. If you want to work with highly prestigous clients, you should only go for them and ignore the others even if it seems “quick money” to help your growth. Managing and onboarding small clients usually requires the same effort as big ones, but revenues are incomparable.My “Pro” tip is: define your market positioning and stay consistent. It could be hard at the beginning, but it is important to laser-focus your energies and send out consistent messages to your audience.You also may notice that Rocket PPC is highly specific and there is a real reason behind it: we were also seeking the possibility to “connect & partner” with other agencies without feeling competitors. Thanks to this, in the very first months of our agency, we have been contacted by 3-4 agencies that would need our specific services for their clients. We do not work “behind the scenes” since we need to speak directly with clients, but it is a strategy that works since it is a win-win: we gain a new client, the client gets a high-level PPC management, and the other agency gets a happier client and usually a referral fee (10-15% on the contract value).imageHow are you doing today and what does the future look like?I’m glad to say that we are profitable, and with higher gross margins than a “normal” agency in Italy. We cut down costs (no offices) and increase profitability by selling a professional consulting service.Today we are focusing on putting ourselves in front of other big clients, and expand our team.It is usually hard to have a chance with this kind of clients, but we are pretty confident that our network and good case studies would help us to become the agency we wanted from the beginning. During the second year we started sending out real case studies to prospects and attend at web marketing conferences with dedicated speeches and workshops. Talking with people and prospects during conferences is always a good idea if you work in the consultancy field: you can share with them ideas and suggestions and if you give them value, they usually “want more” from you.So, do not be afraid to share your knowledge and give suggestions and tips for free to prospects. It’s usually a good way to show your skills and your passion and people love it. If you can create a real trust, then they will buy from you.Our gross margins are now quite high: since a lot of work is done by Pasquale and I, these are on average between 60% and 80%.At this point we are obviously discussing about growth of our company. We want to hire new talented people and define work processes, but that is not easy either.Let me be honest, sometimes we also question the “growth”. Do we really need to grow? How big?I mean, we are happy with our revenues, clients and workflows: adding more people, especially in a full-remote team, may require extra procedures, more controls, and usually, lower quality. You have to carefully choose collaborators and employees and that is not easy. A couple of months ago we added Andrea to the team. Hiring Andrea was easy: he is a +10 years experienced PPC guru, with a lot of personal skills that are perfect for Rocket PPC, and more importantly, we already knew him and trusted his expertise by experience. You know, finding people with all these characteristics in one place is not easy. How can you fully trust people and test them before hiring?We are an agency based 100% on people: on their talent, skills, and passion. It is difficult to find people that truly fits in your company vision and mission.So the point is: can we keep going on with our actual setup (maybe with a couple of other people) and keep getting new clients and avoiding the “usual” descending curve in quality of a high-growing company? Or not?Who knows… we will find out in the next few months, or maybe years!Through starting the business, have you learned anything particularly helpful or advantageous?Shut your fears up.It is not easy to leave your casual work and start your own thing, but if you keep listening to that voice inside you every single day telling you “quit your job and start your own business” well.. you know you’ll get there, sooner or later.We did it in a 6 months period, just to be sure to “prepare ourselves” and save a bit of money for the first months. I think that it is important to have some money in your pocket before starting a company because you need to be calm and confident with no fears about you upcoming future in terms of money and sustainability.What platform/tools do you use for your business?We use Slack for team communications and for clients too. It works just fine. We don’t like it for calls (it is a bit buggy on that side) so we usually switch to Google Hangout just for video calls.Asana is our project management tool and it is great even if some very useful features are only available at the most expensive plans. The most absurd missing feature is time tracking: we actually need to use Toggl as a third piece of software to just track time spent on specific tasks in Asana and that’s not so useful. I hope they will add this feature quite soon.All the emails and file storage are in Google Suite: Gmail is by far the best email provider and Google Drive just works fine, so it is easier for us to have all in one place.What have been the most influential books, podcasts, or other resources?A lot! I read all 37Signals’ books and I think that a lot of my mindset has been shaped by them.I think that ReWork is by far the best business book I read in the last 12 years: it is quite easy but it reshaped the idea of having a business several years ago and I think that is fascinating.Now a lot of companies do smartworking, agile meetings and so on, but 37 signals guys were among the first… in 1999!Advice for other entrepreneurs who want to get started or are just starting out?Do not focus on money. Oh well, you should have a Business Plan and a clear vision of you revenue goals but do not let it drive your business.Remember that any kind of business is based on trust: do what you are good at, be nice and transparent and money will follow.Are you looking to hire for certain positions right now?We are hiring PPC Specialists with +4 years in experience. Want to try? Join us.Where can we go to learn more?https://rocketppc.it/https://www.facebook.com/rocketppc/https://www.linkedin.com/company/rocketppc/If you have any questions or comments, drop a comment below!Liked this text interview? Check out the full interview with photos, tools, books, and other data.For more interviews, check out r/starter_story - I post new stories there daily.Interested in sharing your own story? Send me a PM

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