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kpophours · 4 years

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Haven

➵ Stray Kids: Jisung x fem. reader / one shot, college AU, frenemies to lovers AU / fluff

➵ warnings: slight cursing, mentions of alcohol/drinking, a teeny tiny bit sexual suggestiveness (nothing explicit)

➵ word count: 6k

It’s not even 8am, and your eyes feel as dry as sandpaper while your head is pounding with a slight migraine. You’re currently getting everything ready for the crowd of caffeine addicts that will soon arrive at the café you work at. It’s way too early to deal with the horde of zombies called students, but you got stuck with the worst shift of the day - starting at 7.30am which, in your opinion, is just inhuman. Stupid Minho and his stupid luck whenever it comes to drawing straws. For some reason, you always end up getting the shortest one. At least you’ll be done with work before most people your age have even made it out of bed. Still, right now you’d give almost everything to be back in your blanket burrito. Earning money is hard and annoying. If you’ve ever wondered if working at a café could ruin the beauty of coffee… the answer is yes. Because capitalism destroys everything, leaving no survivors.

“Good morning, Y/N!”, your co-worker and the other unlucky one having drawn one of the shorter straws chirps when she enters the café, and you grimace - Sana’s voice is way too cheerful so early in the morning. You only give her a curt nod of your head, not in the mood to talk right now. You’re not really in the mood to do anything, if you’re being honest. Ugh, you hate the morning shift. You’re currently 80% tired, but 20% also tired - you don’t even remember what it’s like to not be tired anymore. College is great!

Sana doesn’t seem to mind your grumpiness though, being the sweetheart that she simply is, and begins to wipe the counter while humming a cheery song under her breath. It’s only her second week at work, but so far she’s proven to be a better and more reliable part-timer than the last three who had worked here. Jun is usually a nice and caring boss, but he has some strict rules - always be on time, no drinking coffee while you’re working, don’t take more breaks than necessary, and don’t give out free drinks to your friends. The last three part-timers had broken at least one of these rules, so Jun had let them go again. Sana is doing well so far, and you think that Jun has maybe even taken a liking to her - not that you can blame him, she’s not only super nice and a general sunshine, but also incredibly beautiful and funny. You’re always happy whenever you work a shift with her. She’s a student like yourself, and wants to become a kindergarten teacher. You’d never let your children near her though, too scared they’d like her more than you - not that you could actually blame them. “Shall I put on some music?”, Sana asks after she’s finished with wiping everything down, and you just nod, finally being done with prepping the giant coffee machines. Just seconds later, smooth lounge music fills the cozy space of the café, and you inhale deeply.

Maybe you lied earlier. Capitalism did not destroy coffee for you, you still very much love the scent, taste, and especially the effect of it. You check the time, noticing you still have about 15 minutes left before you have to open the café - meaning you have more than enough time to enjoy a nice cup of coffee with Sana. She immediately agrees to drink a cappuccino with you, and just minutes later, you bask in the fresh scent of grounded coffee beans. Sana sighs deeply after having taken the first sip, and gives you a bright smile. “Heavenly. You truly make the best coffee out of all of us, Y/N!”, she compliments you, and you tilt your head to one side. Thanks to the caffeine in your system, you’re finally ready to talk to her now. “Well, if my academic brilliance proves futile, I can always become the best barista in the world, I guess. And by the way, don’t let Minho hear you say that, or he’ll force you to taste all the coffee he makes, resulting in you overdosing on caffeine. You know what he‘s like.”, you answer, and Sana giggles. “Well, I stand with what I said, and I’ll even say it to his face. He needs to learn that he can’t always be the best at everything.” You raise one eyebrow, lips twitching. “No offense, but I don’t think he’s ever been the best at anything so far, he’s just very good at pretending. He basically invented the phrase “fake it till you make it”.”

Before Sana can reply, there’s a knock against one of the café’s windows. Surprised, you look up, and groan when you see a familiar face staring back at you. “What is he doing here?!”, you grumble, and place your mug on the counter, not moving a single muscle. But Sana, being her nice and angelic self, is already walking towards the door of the café, and before you can protest, she’s already unlocked it. Jisung jumps over the threshold, sporting a bright grin. He greets Sana with a hug, before sliding his giant headphones off his ears. “Moooorning.”, he says, with at least five Os. You’re already annoyed. You’ve known Jisung for… well. For a long time. Too long, some would say (you, for example). Your moms have been close friends since their own college years, and while they thankfully didn’t move into the same neighborhood, they ended up living quite close to each other. Meaning Jisung had been there for pretty much you entire childhood and teenage years - at every single one of your birthday parties, at most Christmases, and sometimes even at Easter (even though neither of your families really celebrated Easter). You’ve also gone on hiking trips together, and on wildlife expeditions, and on holidays by the seaside… In almost all your memories, there’s Jisung.

“Ugh, why are you so obsessed with me?”, you whine when he leans over the counter to grab your mug and take a sip of your coffee, “There are literally hundreds of colleges and you had to go choose the one I’m attending?!” He grins, puffing out his stupidly adorable hamster cheeks. “I’d never be so cruel and rid you of my pleasant company, my dearest Y/N.”, he answers, dark eyes sparkling with humor. You just huff and turn around. “The usual?”, you ask in a flat voice, and he hums in confirmation. To say you hate Jisung would be a severe overstatement, you just often strongly... dislike him. And feel annoyed whenever he’s around. Mostly because he’s a walking disaster, who kinda thinks the world revolves around him (you blame him being an only child for that). One of your most vivid and probably also traumatic childhood memories is of your sixth birthday party: you had gotten a brand new, soft green bicycle, falling in love with it as soon as you laid eyes on it. Naturally, you had wanted to take it around the block for a little test drive, but all of the sudden, Jisung had thrown a big tantrum until your mom had made you give him the bike first. And being the clumsy child that he simply was (and kinda still is), he had crashed your beautiful new bike into a tree. The tree had won that battle, the handle bar completely bent, same with the front wheel. So you and your bike had been a very short love story with a tragic ending. Romeo and Juliet had nothing on you. And this instance has only been one of many - Jisung had also accidentally sat on your birthday cake once (till this day, you have no idea how he’d even managed to do that). He had also ruined one of your favorite jumpers by dumping ink all over it, had tipped over the canoe when you’d been happily paddling on a lake one summer day, and had given you a black eye when you went mini golfing for your eleventh birthday.

So Han Jisung has always been - and probably will always be - a walking disaster. Being his friend means you have a “Why is he like that” moment at least five times a day. Your biggest fear at the moment is that he’s accidentally going to sit on your brand new laptop and break it, the one you had been saving up for for over two years. And then you’ll just have to kill him which will probably make his very nice mom very sad. But as the bible clearly states: an eye for an eye, a life for a laptop. Or maybe he’s just going to set your whole apartment on fire - he’s truly a mess inside the kitchen, you sadly know that from experience (note to self: never try to bake cookies with Jisung ever again). Your old dorm kitchen will probably never recover from that one particular incident that ended with half the building having to be evacuated. This is one of the reasons why Jisung hasn’t been at your new place yet. The second one being that you also only just moved into it a few weeks ago. Ever since moving, he’s been pestering you though, asking you to have a movie night with him at your new place. Like you said, he’s kinda obsessed with you. He also literally spends every morning at the café you work at - or well, you just assume it’s every morning. As you’re a part timer, you don’t actually have to work every single morning, but he’s definitely always here when you have drawn one of the short straws again.

You quickly busy yourself with making a flat white for Jisung, his preferred drink of choice, while he continues to chat with Sana. They know each other thanks to a mutual friend of theirs, Chan - he’s one of Jisung’s roommates as well as Sana’s best friend. Everyone on campus knows Chan: he’s on the student council, he plays for the baseball team, and he’s one of the most promising music majors you’ve ever seen (or well, heard), already being scouted by different labels even though he’s not even a senior yet. And he’s also just so nice and down to earth, truly a prime example of a man. Jisung should really take a leaf out of Chan’s book.

“Here you go.”, you say while sliding Jisung’s finished order his way, taking your own mug out of his hands while doing so. You quickly shake your head when he wants to hand you his credit card, and he shoots you a happy smile. Jun would probably fire you instantly if he knew about this, but not once have you let Jisung pay for his coffee - and you’ve been working here for almost four months now. You try to ignore the way your stomach jolts when Jisung locks eyes with you, but fail miserably. So maybe he has the most beautiful smile in the whole world, and maybe his eyes hold entire galaxies in them, but what about it? It’s not like you even really like him, right?

You turn around and pretend to wipe down the coffee machine, but in reality, you just don’t want to look at Jisung’s cute hamster cheeks anymore, because they just make you want to squish them. And you have a reputation to lose. “Well, I’m off to my lecture now - I hope your day will be pleasant, ladies!”, Jisung finally says, and you turn around, catching him giving you a mock salute and mischievous wink. You just wave at him, while Sana wishes him a good day as well. As soon as the door falls close behind him again, you exhale. You really need to get a grip on yourself.

It’s Friday night, and there’s a party at Jisung’s frat house. At first, you don’t want to go, but your roommate Amber basically drags you with her. You know she’s only going because she has the biggest crush on Chan, and you honestly can’t even blame her - half the girls on campus have a crush on him after all, and at least a third of the guys. But while Amber and Chan are good friends, nothing more has ever been going on between them - not yet, that is. Who knows, maybe tonight’s finally the night.

You’re currently sipping on some stale beer Seungmin - one of Jisung’s roommates - had handed you the second you stepped over the threshold of the frat house, scanning the room for people you know. Amber is off to greet some friends from her architecture class, so you’re on your own for now. Which is fine, you don’t really mind just standing in the corner to observe the other guests, it’s actually highly entertaining. For example, there’s one guy twerking like crazy to some Beyoncé song. You think his name is Kevin and he’s in your calc class. A friend of his is currently hyping him up like crazy, while another one with green dyed hair is clearly wishing he was somewhere entirely else. You honestly can’t blame him, the secondhand-embarrassment way too real. A few seconds later, Sana enters the room with a group of girls, and she happily waves at you as soon as she spots you. You simply return her smile, before continuing to watch Kevin.

“Enjoying the show?”, someone beside you suddenly asks, and you jump, dumping some of your beer over your shirt. “Oh fuck you!”, you yelp, and turn around to glare at Minho’s shit-eating grin, “You definitely scared me on purpose!” “Fuck... me? Absolutely, just name the time and place, babe.”, he answers, and you smack his chest. “Not even in your wildest dreams, Lee.”, you reply, and narrow your eyes at him. He pouts playfully. “I just think we’d make a really great couple.”, he argues, and you shake your head. “Well, society should be able to limit what some people are allowed to think, then.”, you retort, voice flat, and he ruffles your hair. “You know what I love about you? You’re kinda mean and annoying, but unapologetically so.”, he says, and you raise one eyebrow. “I might be kinda mean and annoying, but at least my lock screen isn’t a selfie.” At this, Minho gasps dramatically, and protectively clutches his phone to his chest. “I mean, I could always change it to one of your selfies, you know?”, he then suggests, making you groan. He’s clearly drunk already or else he wouldn’t be flirting like this. If this sad attempt can even be considered flirting, it’s probably just him being his annoying and arrogant Scorpio self. Minho sighs deeply. “When will you finally accept my eternal love for you, Y/N?”, he asks, and tries to grab one of your hands, but you just smack him again. “Maybe when you finally stop cheating at drawing straws! I have the Monday morning shift again!”, you hiss, and he smirks. “You’ll never know my secret.”, he says smugly, and empties his cup in one single gulp.

You begin to pout and take a sip from your own cup, eyes wandering towards where Kevin is still throwing it back on the dance floor. “If I ever do something remotely like that, just take me out, and instantly.”, you say, an exasperated expression on your face. “On a date or with a sniper?”, a familiar voice on your other side suddenly asks, and you sigh internally. “Han.”, you greet your favorite frenemy, and Jisung grins while wrapping one arm around your shoulder. “Nice to see you accepted my invite.”, he says, and you quickly duck out of his embrace, trying to ignore your racing heart. Minho just wiggles his eyebrows at you, before flashing you a shit-eating grin and disappearing from view. Traitor.

“I only came because Amber asked me to.”, you explain, and stand on your tiptoes to look for your friend. Seriously, where did she even go?! It’s been at least 15 minutes since she left you on your own. “You can just admit that you missed my handsome face, you know.”, Jisung says, and you snort. “Yeah, whatever you say, hamster boy.” He groans, ruffling his hair with one hand and making it stand on end. You desperately suppress the need to flatten it again, and quickly take another sip of your beer. “Don’t you get tired of using that old nickname? Plus, my cheeks aren’t as chubby anymore! I have finally lost all my baby fat, the glow up we’ve all been desperately waiting for!”, he says, and you suppress a smile, looking him up and down. “I guess some people would agree that you don’t look bad.”, you finally reply, and ignore the way your heart flutters when he shoots you a wide grin. “Aww, you old softie, I knew you actually liked me.”, he says, lovingly punching your shoulder. You grimace, rubbing the spot he hit - you know he and Chan have started to work out recently, and apparently, Jisung doesn’t know his own strength anymore. “Now don’t get all sappy on me, just because I might have erased your name out of my death note.”, you reply, quickly draining your cup to hide your blush, and mumble something about getting a new drink before basically running away from him. When you enter the kitchen, you exhale deeply. Your hands are shaking, your heart is racing and you know the blush is still very prominent on your cheeks.

So yeah, maybe you’re kinda a bit in love with Han Jisung. He might be a complete mess, but he’s also funny, hard-working, intelligent and something close to a musical genius. And yeah, maybe you absolutely adore his stupid hamster cheeks, bright smile and beautiful dark chocolate eyes. You close your eyes for a few seconds, groaning internally. You don’t want to be in love with Han Jisung! There is literally no other person you want to be less in love with. Okay, except for Lee Minho, simply because you just couldn’t bring yourself to ever date a Scorpio, no offense. But Han Jisung is at least a close second!

You can’t even say when you first began to develop these kinds of feelings for him. After graduating high school, you had finally realized how much you’d actually miss Jisung’s constant presence once you had to go off to different colleges. You’re almost embarrassed to admit how your heart had leaped when he told you he’d actually be going to the same college as you. Maybe you had truly just always kind of loved him - him and his weird antics. He’s always been himself, and unapologetically so. In the modern world of snapchat filters, snow apps and facetune, he’s always felt real to you.

You shake your head, trying to get rid of these thoughts, and groan again. After you’ve refilled your red party cup, you drown it in a few gulps, repeating the process a few times. Drowning your feelings might not be the responsible thing to do just now, but well, you’re only in your early twenties, so you still have lots of time to become a more responsible adult in the future.

Half an hour later, you have probably drunk way too much beer and are also still trying to figure out where Amber has gone. So you finally decide to go search for her, noticing that for some reason, the floor seems to tilt a bit with every step you take. “Weeeeird.”, you mumble, squinting your eyes, “That’s new.” Just then, you manage to walk into someone, soaking their entire backside with your beer. The person yelps loudly, before turning around to glare at you. Your brain needs a few seconds to recognizes the handsome face, and when it finally does, you give him a bright smile while slurring “Hyunjiiiiiin.”, squishing his face between your hands. The boy turns from annoyed to alarmed, and pries your hands from his face while narrowing his eyes at you. “Okay, what and how much did you drink, Y/N?!” Your smile gets even wider. “Only the best kind of alcohol, which is a lot!” Hyunjin just groans and begins to look around for someone. “Where is Han when you need him?!” With that, he wraps one arm around your waist to pull you with him and through the crowd. You hold onto him like your life depends on it - and the way the floor is swaying from side to side right now, it truly just might. You make a disgusted sound when your hand touches Hyunjin’s soaked shirt. “You’re wet, do you know that?”, you mumble, head lulling around until Hyunjin gently guides it to rest against his shoulder. “Yeah, surprisingly I do.”, he says, but in your current state, his sarcasm gets totally lost on you. “You should change, it’s freezing outside, and we don’t want you to catch a cold!”, you tell him off, and he groans, half amused, half exasperated. “I promise I will change as soon as I’ve found Han.”

You raise both eyebrows at that. “Why do you need to find Jisung? Does he have clothes for you?” Just then, Hyunjin seems to find the desired person, sighing in relief. “Hey, Han! I think your girlfriend has had a little bit too much to drink tonight.”, he yells over the music, and you frown. “His girlfriend? Since when does Jisung have a girlfriend?! And why hasn’t he told me about her?! I’m his oldest friend! Like, not old in the sense of actually being old, but in the sense of time spent toge-”, before you can ramble on, Hyunjin basically shoves you into Jisung’s outstretched arms. “Here, she’s your responsibility now! Take her home or whatever. I’m gonna go change.”, he says curtly, before turning around and marching off. You wave at his retreating backside, before you look up at Jisung, who sports a very confused expression. “Uh, what exactly happened?”, he asks, taking in your glossy eyes, flushed cheeks and lopsided smile, “Shit, are you drunk?! I don’t think I’ve ever seen you drunk!” He actually looks amazed, and you can’t help but ruffle his dark hair. It feels silky when it slips through your fingers, and you giggle to yourself. “Nice.”, you murmur, before you glare at him, “So, you have a girlfriend and didn’t tell me about her?! That’s rather rude, you know? We’re friends, after all! The oldest friends ever! I tell you almost everything.” Jisung just blinks a few times, before he shakes his head in disbelief. “Uh, okay, maybe I should bring you home.”, he murmurs, and wraps his arms even tighter around your waist, “Where’s your stuff?” You shrug while snuggling closer to him to bury your face in the crook of his neck. He yelps, and freezes for a few seconds, before he sighs and drags you towards one of the sofas. “Wait here, okay? I’ll be back in a second.”, he murmurs softly, and tugs some of you hair behind your ear. You lean into his touch, and close your eyes while nodding. The last thing you hear is his low chuckle.

Bright sunlight greets you the second you try to open your eyes. You groan and decide it’s better to just close them again. Seeing is overrated anyway, especially when your head is pounding like crazy. Mh, maybe you did drink a little bit too much yesterday.

“Are you alive? Groan once for yes, twice for no.”

You truly love your roommate, but right now, you’re prepared to throw her out the window as her voice cuts through your hazy state like a knife. Still, you manage to groan once.

“Okay, good. There’s water on your bedside table, and some aspirin. Take it.”

For the second time this morning (or midday, you honestly have no idea what time it is), you try to open your eyes, just a teeny tiny bit. Still half blind, you carefully fumble for said things on your bedside table. After taking the aspirin and drinking some water, you sigh in relief and fall back into your pillows. “You were really out of it yesterday, huh? Any reason for drinking for at least three people?”, Amber asks, her voice laced with quiet humor. You just grumble something unintelligible, and she chuckles. “Do you remember who brought you home?”

You finally turn around to look at her, raising one eyebrow. “... You?”, you guess, and she presses her lips together to try and stifle her shit-eating grin - she fails though. “Nope. I was kinda busy.”, she just answers, a smug expression on her face. You finally manage to sit up, ruffling your messy bed hair. “Busy doing what? Now that I think of it, I remember you were gone from my side the second we stepped foot inside the frat house. Talk about loyalty.” You try not to sound too offended, but while you don’t remember much from last night, you do remember that you spent some time looking for it, but in vain. “Chan.”, Amber just answers, and you squeal - regretting it a split second later when a sharp pain shoots through your head. “Remind me to never make that noise again while I’m nursing a hangover.”, you say, holding your head between your hands, and Amber giggles. “Noted. But yeah, Chan and I… well. Let’s just say we had a good night.” She wiggles her eyebrows at you, and you return her grin. “Well, congrats, then! You snatched the Bang Chan, props to you.” Her smile softens, and she sighs dreamily. “He even asked me on a date afterwards. So we’re going out to get some pasta tonight.”, she tells you, and your smile gets even bigger. “I’m so happy for you, Amber. He’s a really great guy, and you deserve a really great guy.”, you say gently, and she nods. “Damn right I do. But speaking of a really great guy - Jisung was actually the one to bring you home last night.”, she explains, grinning smugly when she sees your shocked expression. “He did what now?!”, you ask, not ready to believe her, at least not yet. Amber leans back on her elbows, obviously enjoying this way too much. “Well, after you drank about half the alcohol the boys bought for the party, you decided to give Hyunjin a beer shower, who immediately realized it was definitely time to get you home, so he went searching for Jisung who then brought you to our apartment. No idea what happened after you left the frat house though, I only got to know about this because Hyunjin told Chan who told me.”

You bury your face in your pillow and let out a long, miserable noise. You sound a bit like a dying whale which makes Amber laugh. “Ah, come on, it’s not that bad. You and Jisung are friends after all, I’m sure he saw you drunk lots of times already!”

You shake your head.

“Wait, he hasn’t?!”

“Nope. I very rarely get drunk, and it’s not like Jisung and I are actual friends like that - friends who take care of each other and so on, you know?”, you try to explain, and Amber frowns. “What do you mean? Y/N, you and Jisung have known each other since forever, you hang out constantly, and you always talk about him with endless adoration - well, and a bit of annoyance too, to be fair. But what do you mean you’re not friends “like that”?!” You blink at her, surprise written all over your face. “I don’t talk about him with endless adoration!”, you disagree. Amber just gives you a very long, hard look, and you begin gnawing at your lip. “I… do?”, you ask in a small voice, and she nods. “You talk to him every day, Y/N, and you talk about him even more. It would be annoying if it weren’t also extremely cute.”, she replies, and begins filing her nails, lips twitching while she watches you trying to digest what she’s just told you. “I guess… I should at least message him to thank him for bringing me home.”

“And for tucking you into bed.”

You groan and throw your pillow at Amber. She catches it and laughs. “What, you looked very cozy and all snuggled up when I came home! And I doubt you yourself did that, at least if Hyunjin told the truth about the amount of alcohol you consumed yesterday.”

You look yourself up and down, noticing that you’re not wearing your clothes from last night anymore, but your favorite pj’s, the ones with little succulents on it. “Does this mean…”, you whisper, but shake your head, “Nope, not even going there. I’m way too sleep-deprived and hangover to deal with any of that right now.” Amber grins and shrugs. “Just go ask Jisung, I’m sure he can fill you in on everything.” You groan again, and fall back onto your bed. “I’ll have to take a shower first.”, you mumble, and close your eyes again. “Yes, please do, you reek of stale beer.” And with that, your roommate throws your pillow back at you.

It’s already about to get dark again when you arrive at the frat house, nervously bouncing on your feet for a few seconds before you finally gather the courage to knock on the front door. You quickly stuff your hands back into the pockets of your leather jacket, gnawing at your lower lip while waiting for someone to open the door. Just a few minutes later, Hyunjin’s tired face greets you. He raises both eyebrows when he lays eyes on you, immediately noticing your nervous expression. “Hi.”, you say, and give him a small smile. He leans against the doorframe, and crosses both arms over his chest. “Hi yourself. You actually look less zombie-like than expected.” You roll your eyes. “Thanks, today’s look is inspired by sleep deprivation and a mean hangover. Water and aspirin helped though, or else I could have auditioned for The Walking Dead.”, you grumble, “And uh… Thanks for yesterday, by the way. I’m really sorry about your shirt, I heard I dumped beer all over it.” Hyunjin cracks a smile at that, and shrugs. “Yeah, but it’s fine. The washing machine will take care of that. Wanna come in?”, he asks, and you nod, quickly following him inside the warmth of the parlor.

Surprisingly, the house looks clean and tidy again - the guys must have spent the entire day getting rid of last night’s mess. You’re actually impressed. “Han is in his room.”, Hyunjin says, before you even have the chance to ask, and you gulp nervously. “O-okay…”, you mumble, and are just about to walk up the stairs, when Hyunjin tugs on your sleeve. You turn around to face him again, expression questioning. The boy gnaws at his lip, looking nervous. “Just… Finally tell him, okay? I’m like, literally begging you.”, he then says, and you narrow your eyes at him. “Tell him what, exactly?”, you inquire, but Hyunjin only gives you an exasperated gaze. “You know exactly what. We’re all tired of you guys pining after each other but not actually doing anything about your feelings. Quick reminder: this is not a cheesy rom-com where you have to wait until one of you guys leaves the country so you can finally declare your love at the airport or some big, stupid gesture like that. Just do it now, in his stuffy frat room and get it over with.” Before you’re able to reply, he gives you a mock salute and retreats into the kitchen. You huff, surprised at the audacity of his words, and turn around to finally go up the stairs and towards Jisung’s room.

You take in a few deep breaths before knocking on his door, trying to steady yourself. Then, you wait - but after a few seconds have passed and the door has not yet been opened, you simply turn the doorknob and let yourself in. Jisung sits at his desk, giant headphones covering his ears while he hums along to the music he’s listening to. Well, that explains why he didn’t hear you knocking. You quickly cross the room, and tap his shoulder. He screams, and whips around, almost ripping his headphones off in the process. You giggle at his shocked expression, dark eyes almost comically big in his face. “When did you arrive!?”, he almost yells, and you slide the headphones off his ears, brushing some of his hair back while doing so. His eyelids flutter for a few seconds, before he raises one eyebrow. “You don’t look that shitty, which is surprising considering the amount of beer you drank last night.”, he says after looking you up and down, and you defensively cross your arms over your chest. “Wow, thanks. Always the charmer, huh?”, you huff in mock offense, and he grins up at you. “No need to charm when I know your heart is already mine.” You almost choke on your own spit, and beg the blush creeping on your cheeks to just not do that right now. Truly not the time nor place. “I came to thank you, actually. For last night - I heard you were the one to bring me home.”, you finally admit, nervously shifting from one foot to the other.

Jisung just stares at you for a few seconds, before giving you a soft smile. “Well, yeah. I couldn’t just let anyone take you home - and Amber was kinda busy, I heard.” You nod. “True, I’m glad you didn’t interrupt whatever she was doing. So, uh, yeah, thanks, you’re… a good friend, I guess.” Almost immediately, embarrassment washes over you, and you groan at your own words. Jisung’s lips begin to twitch. “A good friend, huh?”, he repeats and crosses both hands behind his head, still looking at you with an unreadable expression on his face. You blink a few times, before slowly beginning to nod. “Y-yeah…?” “For someone so smart, you’re really fucking oblivious sometimes, you know that?”, Jisung suddenly states, and you huff. “Excuse me?! Who do you call obliv-” But before you can tell him off, he pulls you onto his lap and then, his lips are on yours. You yelp, freezing for a few seconds, before basically melting against him. He hums appreciatively, and wraps both arms around you to pull you even closer towards him, deepening the kiss. You bury your hands in his soft hair, gently tugging on it, and he groans against your lips. You use the chance to slide your tongue into his mouth while his hands wander lower to grab your ass. You shift on top of him, and he moans when you brush against his crotch.

When you draw back to catch your breaths, you simply stare at each other, cheeks flushed and lips swollen. Then, Jisung begins to smile at you, and your heart flutters. Twenty years of seeing his smile, but you’ll apparently never get used to it. “About fucking time.”, he then murmurs against your lips, voice pleased, and you roll your eyes at him. “I’m not oblivious, by the way! You’re the oblivious one - I never give anyone free coffee, because it could literally cost me my job, and yet you always get a flat white on the house!”, you tell him, and he smirks. “Oh, baby, the oblivious one is definitely you - or do you really think I just happen to have a lecture every morning you got the early shift again?”, he replies, a smug expression on his face. You just stare at him. “You-”, but before you can say anything else, Jisung quickly presses his lips against yours again. You immediately lean into his embrace, and close your eyes, losing yourself to his touch - so familiar, yet also so new and exciting.

Yes, maybe you’ve truly always been in love with Han Jisung - but at least he seems to feel the exact same way.

[masterlist] | [requests]

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encyclopika · 3 years

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I was going to message, but I figured more people would be interested in something like this. In a fantasy setting, do you see an octopus/cephalopod based sentient species coming to power in an aquatic environment? How do you think their culture might look like? From what I see, they are intelligent, can solve problems, have something of a language (I guess), and can learn simple patterns and behaviours. I see them as the good guys, with a dolphins being the jackass race (a question for another time).

Hey! Sorry this is such a late reply, but like I told you the other day - I’ve been thinking about it!

So, if I’m going to be very specific and science-y about this, I’m going to take the octopus right off the table. Octopuses are not very social, so that group making a “society” is very unlikely. See, for a species to create a society, they MUST be social. The species must be willing to work together for a common good of the whole group, and do that naturally. Species that are asocial, like octopuses, but also hamsters, and most of the big cats, spiders, among others in the animal kingdom, no matter how intelligent they are (and octopuses are super intelligent!) they will never think to work together. A conspecific, a member of their own species, is a threat. That’s not to say that they couldn’t one day evolve to be more social - environmental pressure is a hell of a thing - but looking at them as they are right now, I’d say probably not.

It’s more likely that squid would create a society, but what it would look like is tough because I don’t know what squid value. However, just like the octopus, squid don’t typically live very long lives, so unless they develop longer lives or writing, it will be tough for them to have what we do as long-lived mammals that can teach the next generation so they don’t continue to reinvent the wheel. Perhaps their society would revolve around their short lives. This really all depends on what species they derive from....there’s just a lot to consider. We can’t assume that they would be like us, because they aren’t built like us and “human” is not some goal evolution marches towards. It’s totally possible squid already do have a society and we just can’t recognize it! Same with dolphins. Not sure what you mean by “good guys”...as a biologist, I can’t make that determination, but if you’re writing a fantasy, that’s all up to you.

This question really got me thinking and I remembered something like this was covered in this really fun nature program called “The Future is Wild”, and they covered the possibility of squid being able to “follow in our footsteps” when we go extinct. I can’t find a clip, but it’s really interesting.

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bre95611 · 4 years

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HI! I’m finally rewatching 15x17 so I’m doing an in-depth(ish?) super stoned commentary! Hooray!

Before I get into it, I just really have to say, god I love this season so so so much. The writing has just been beautiful, and it has me EMOTIONAL af. Anyway. Here we go!

I always like looking at the Then/Now scenes. I feel they can ring some really important storywide context to the show. A great example of this is the Pizza Man montage. This episode it starts with the conversation from a few episodes back with Dean and Sam discussing Jack killing God.

I’ve found the Dean/Amara relationship very interesting. After how it was played up in the 15x15 Gimme Shelter, always from Dean’s perspective in a joking manner. I believe it was @verobatto-angelxhunter that discussed the Big Married Energy it gave off, Dean teasing Castiel about a woman from his past. Season 11, as the beginning of the Dabb era, has been calling my name for a rewatch lately, especially with Amara being brought back. Its always been established that the connection Dean and Amara have was not something Dean liked. It wasn’t actual attraction. I’ll talk more about this later.

I have made some random posts here and there talking about the symmetry in endings between Season 11 and Season 15, I will also dig into this more later.

Saw a post about the amount of times “world” is said, want to keep track of that. I know there is a heavy Destiel attachment, and the second time it is said is during the Then sequence, Chuck’s dialogue from the episode with the tvs, talking about how its time to clear the board. (Want to look into Chess mentions this season, maybe even Dabb era as a whole? Because obviously there’s been a game going on at the cosmic level for quite some time). It doesn’t show the scene where Dean and Cas in the kitchen comes up on the tv where Chuck calls them “the world”. but it does have that section of dialogue as t screens are being shown, bringing that to mind.

Then we have Meg 2.0 as The Shadow, Cas is confused why he is being harmed since they’re on the same side. The Shadow makes their loyalty known. Keep this in mind. Will touch on this later as well.

Shit this is a lot for the episode not even starting yet. Below the cut for more!

God Amara is a QUEEN and I love her SO MUCH.

Sam tells Cas to “just get home” cause the Bunker is his FUCKING HOME

One thing I’ve seen brought up a lot is how Dean is always very action focused. Solve the problem at hand, “cross that bridge when we get to it” type of mentality. His plans always revolve around that. Cas and Sam are always very focused on there being another way, how there is always another way, especially when one oftheir lives are at stake. Sam calls him out. Sam wouldn’t care if Dean was saying that all the time if it were actually true, wouldn’t wonder if he ever got tired of saying it if they did only ever have one choice. TFW always subverts the problem at hand. Last season, their only shot of beating Michael was the Malak Box. Season 11 was soul bomb Dean, 13 was Dean saying yes to Michael. Ya’ll see a theme yet? Dean loves to sacrifice himself. Sam’s done the same exact thing, closing the Hell gates, letting out Lucifer. Cas’s whole thing in Season 6? They’ve all done the same things. over and over. Hamster wheel. Think of what made all those endings obsolete? What made them find another way, huh?

Fuck that paragraph went somewhere I wasn’t originally taking it, but still a good take IMHO.

I’m loving the SUITS!

I really hope that Amara is not gone. I know I’ve seen some stuff that talks about why that has to have been her last episode, but whatever. Imma still dream. And I really might have to just write a fix-it fic after the finale about Aunt Amara and Jack hanging out.

I just noticed world again (Dean to Amara: saving the whole world’s ass)

“You and I will always help each other.” That look on Dean’s face when she said that. Not the face of someone enjoying being flirted with by and “ex-flame” or whatever the hell

Saw a post about the generational family story that was being told (I believe it was @occamshipper) that basically has Sam is to Jack as Dean was to Sam growing up (Dean is John and Cas is Mary, super awesome read, will try to find and link in a bit). This whole family arc is about breaking the toxic circle, being a better parent than your parents, found family kinda things. So how has Dean reacted to Sam in these situations? Most recently, I think, is season 8, with the Trials. Sam was sacrificing himself, he knew that, he was okay with it. Sam was suicidal by the end of it, and Dean does what he normally does with Sam and keeps him from finishing the trials, and season 9 starts with Dean completely taking away his autonomy again, allowing Gadreel to possess him. Dean was angry, he was disappointed, he acted like Dean, and that is the kind of treatment he gets from his “big brother” father figure. But Sam breaks through his treatment, tells Jack he is brave and validates him, and doesn’t try and take away his FREE WILL.

Sam continues the path he started on when he told Dean to stop as he continuously made excuses/explained why he had kept things from Sam about Jack. He grows!! I love to see it!! He does NOT give up his FREE WILL. Guys I’m loving it. These boys are actively making HARD decisions and we are seeing growth in real time. TFW in every form has...not really lived up to its name? Sure, the world gets free will, but the boys never do. And not just in situations like they’re told they can’t do something. I’m talking constant violations of each other’s bodily autonomy. Dean all the time with Sam, Cas when he takes down the Hell wall from Sam’s mind, honestly....mostly its Sam having it violated. But the other guys have to stop fucking with it. They all need a variation. Dean needs the Free Will to stop being his father’s soldier, to live his true non performative life. Cas needs to be free of his self doubt. Permission to be happy, not happy in and of itself. Jack needs Free Will to be a fucking toddler.....

Sam SEES it dude, he knows something isn’t right, and he’s the one that figured it out like, every other time this season, too. Jesus. Dean is so desparately caught up in wanting to get the hell OUT of the hamster wheel, he’s too blind to see how deep into it he is. The first plan ANYONE gives him, he goes with it. He’s literally followed Billie’s plan because of one of her books before, and what happened? Cas and Sam brought him back from sacrificing himself.

I’ve really enjoyed how much Sam and Dean are fighting, honestly. Like, my spec for a while now has been that the brothers are going their seperate ways at the end of all this, the only way to satisfyingly bring an impactful end to their toxic codependency that they’ve been chipping away at for the last few seasons.

Guys I’m suuuuuuuper baked,

Dean says “Someone’s gotta be the grownup here” talking to Sam about taking Jack to do the final ritual. Dean is fully his father, talking to the “older brother” Sam protecting the “special child” Jack. Dean is not breaking the cycle established by his father, going mad with rage over his circumstances

Jesus Christ the LOOK ON SAM’S FACE when Dean says Jack’s not family. I’m dead. He looks so broken.

That line though is.....hm. All through season 14 and 15, its been established that Jack is family, their kid. When Lily Sunder comes back to help get his soul, Dean makes comments about not making them go through what she did with her daughter, and again to Belphegor in 15 when asked who he was (after a fight between Dean and Cas no less, calls him “our kid”). So this is how far Dean has spiralled? This is how he is choosing to try and deal with knowing Jack will die? Denial of his importance?

“He’s not like you. He’s not like Cas.” Dean feels he holds a different relationship with Cas than he does with Sam. Just...sayin....

Jared’s acting is......truly just phnomenal.

Man, i feel like the music is off? and it makes me think its intentional, cause Becky says something about how there’s no classic rock? So foreshadowing? nah.

This really does feel like....the last real Sam and Cas interaction. It is heart breaking really.

Alright, I’m posting this now......cause I literally just got to the first commercial break.... So

This is pt 1 I guess.

#spn 15x17 spoilers #spn 15 spoilers #spn spec #spn meta #my meta #my spec

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juistheseminarian · 5 years

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Eccentric, part 2 : now I’m here

I was planning to be done with this by now - both with this article and with the illness. I can’t believe that it’s been almost 15 years and I still get people congratulating me for acknowledging that I have an issue and going it’s-the-first-step-to-recovery, which they’ve learned was an appropriate thing to say since you don’t want to stand there and be embarrassed like I do with my boyfriend’s mom when she starts crying (which she does a lot). I’ve stirred things and realized things and I intended this to sound like a sort of retrospective from a place of unadulterated success. But guess what!

I ended the last bit on my return from anorexia and lasting relationship with a psychologist I described as abusive, although that may be excessive and may come from the resentment of a long therapy seemingly not having “worked”. I started seeing them around age 12, before the eating disorder really declared, and i was referred to them at the end of an endless session of musical chairs through which I met many, many ‘emergency’ professionals whose schedules couldn’t accommodate another patient. I had to tell the whole story every time as if I were filing a police complaint or justifying an ailment that had long thinned beyond recognition, losing more of its meaning every time; I worried often, and I still do, about making myself sound ill enough to be considered, knowing I was taking their time when they could be curing people with actual issues.

Having been sent to therapy after the school phobia I developed as a 5 or 6-year-old, and then again as a 12-year-old, and on and off ever since, means I’ve barely lived without framing my every breath as something to be treated and fixed, analyzed and made normal, insufficient, dependant, bending the wrong way. I entered this longest bout of therapy as a child and left it a decade later as a child. I believe for the first few years the psychologist was reliable if a little too set in her ways: there was no talk of medication outside of an apparent agreement to exclude it, which comforted my irrational fear of treatment with just as little medical basis as I previously had. However, her patient-based approach helped me feel like this time around it wouldn’t be an issue if I wasn’t “really” anything, or that’s how I viewed it at first. I don’t mean to dismiss the entirety of what happened there, only, you know, the bits where a refusal to diagnose me lead to a refusal to treat me, which in turn lead to desperation to fit me into the superstitious ramblings of an unstable person who refused to treat herself. Fuck that person. Call it what it is.

I resented the amount of information she gave me about herself, the description of her previous marriage leading up to ten years of unhappiness she couldn’t get out of, the description of her current partner’s superior attitude, the way her life was a mess and the way I viewed her as honest instead of genuinely intrusive. She’d offer to pay me to iron her clothes, she’d talk to my teenage self about her finances, about her gynecological health, and I listened, and my mother became concerned. By then she had framed my parents as unable to understand me the way she would, she whose child had run away from home and I had to know all about it, apparently. I defended her.

After the anorexia bit I grew alright for a while. I went to high school, I had a boyfriend, I neglected my own friends in order to make him my first priority at all costs, in short I was playing my role very well. My writing got noticed, as it should be, and I was exempted from english class, as I should be. I was bad at maths, I was good at history, I enjoyed latin class, I had friends I looked cool to because of the whole having had sex thing. Over one year my boyfriend and I had split up and I saw a few boys from my grade, most notably a wreck of a teen who regularly said he could be doing this with any of my friends and prided himself for using me “as an experiment”. When I broke up with him to go have the world’s least satisfactory sex with a friend of his, he called me crying hundreds of times. He had read somewhere that cool people had open relationships so he wanted one: when I took him up on that he said I disgusted him, turned around cause he “couldn’t look at me”, and masturbated in my bed. It was terrific. I was a sheep in shame’s clothing.

There were the “can we do this without a condom”s and the “I want to see you shove that shower up your vagina to clean out the danger and I’m watching you”s and the “I can’t believe you cheated on me”s (he was kind!) and the “I’m storming out of your birthday party because you and your friends are little bitches”s. I don’t like how this is taking the same turn my life took - revolving around boys and men the second it got the chance, which is something I still haven’t worked out today as I live under the constant scrutiny of my several imaginary sugar daddy-leaning role models, but I’m keeping that topic for next time. This is, of course, she says in a white girl voice, about me.

During the last year of high school, the boyfriend and I broke up for good because I had fallen in love with a guy we had met at a music festival and had pursued email after email. I felt glorious cracking the shells of emotionally unstable dudes and making them rely on me for subcontracting introspection: now I take “you’re the closest friend I’ve ever had” as a red flag, poisonous edible paper that dissolves in my water tank and kills me. It seems I do know better now, and it seems no woman ever told me that, and I keep being scared of them, and I keep being gay too, that’s my life’s familiar ghost. I’ve never gone far enough to confront the very real fact of loving women: I saw it as a kid when female nudity made me react, when I didn’t feel any sense of belonging with either boys or girls, when I felt like a monster. That desire is different because I don’t let it exist. Funny i’m only mentioning it now. What’s it like to be out to yourself?

Do you relate to princesses? To female leads? Sometimes I can’t allow myself to replace fictional characters cause how realistic would it be to have the man of the story want to fuck me when my buttcrack isn’t even shaved? Obviously that would never work. Obviously cinderella’s ass is smooth. I never feel polished enough, or good enough an actor, or intelligible enough: expanding like a red giant, I feel like a stomach with needs, and the picture is grotesque - nothing like those Degas ballerinas. Dripping, eating itself, round but not motherly, the hunchback from Ken Russell’s the Devils is too feminine next to me. Suppose i’m fattening from storing all that shame.

***

These days I resent the other diseased. Everyone hates my uncle cause he’s got it too and he drinks and he takes medication that people view with contempt; he lets himself die but it never seems to work even though he acts like it. Somehow something is still barely holding his limbs attached, miraculously, precariously. And my friend’s mother too, brain locked in a hamster wheel, hanging on to people like smeagol consumed, no longer in touch: filtering words like a beekeeper, only letting the crazy in. She makes me afraid to give birth. Would my children grow with a devolved being, Lovecraft’s blind cave-dweller, who once was human and is now condemned to live? Avoiding it in hallways, fearing it under their bed?

By the fourth year of the relationship with festival boy my anxiety had become the decisive factor in every single move I made. I could no longer travel, be spontaneous, laugh, orgasm or breathe. The lump in my throat had grown bigger than I was and my face felt numb, I evaporated, I had emergency doctors drive a camera through my nose only for them to confirm I was choking myself this whole time. It really felt strange: like you’d have tried to swallow turkish delight but it piled up in your throat, invisible. The doctor wrote: patient known for anxiety. I thought: great, now when I die for real they’re gonna think i’m crying wolf and also they’re gonna be right. Fortunately enough, I then was relieved from the constant imminence of choking, you’d never guess how.

I called a therapist my mom had taken me to when i was about 12 and we both liked her a lot - serious and a little intimidating in just the right way, a little soft yet clearly not one to let me bullshit my way out (my mom liked those). I was in the uni hall with some friends when her assistant called me back and scheduled an appointment for me later this same week: it was a huge deal. She remembered me. I suddenly felt safe, suddenly felt myself slip from my own consciousness like the narrator in Janice Galloway’s depression book when she enters a clinic: she’s no longer her own problem, or so she thinks at first, before realizing care never comes in the shape we expected.

I started treatment almost immediately and was in shock at the realization that I did not need to suffer any more. I wasn’t aware, I didn’t KNOW of the existence of medication that would prevent me from spending hours and hours in inescapable pain, contorting my body between screams and frantic sobs, persuaded I was about to die a solitary death that’d leave me to witness my loved ones moving on in relief. Everything around me felt temporary and fleeting and treacherous. And most of all, each of these occasions were a trial for my failure to live, and I sat accused as my chrysalis life developed before me, never free, never daring, hidden, waiting. Every time, I realized how much I was missing out on. Every time I was too tired to seize the day after recovering and just dozed, scrutinized always, for a respite I knew would be short. My idea of living was a xanax in front of any distracting tv show: suddenly sleep was warm, and I wasn’t dying, and things lifted by the tornado gently fell back into place, and disappeared.

(river) Oh, I got plenty of help. Therapists and medications and EMDR and - hypnosis and transcendental meditation. Nothing made me feel better (...) I feel everything. There just wasn’t enough positive emotion to balance me out. (payton: so it wasn’t because of me?) (river) no. you were my only relief. (“the politician” (2019) ep.6)

My trust in festival boy was broken: I felt that if I was ever overcome with the looming fear and froze, he wouldn’t help. I have no idea if it was true: I’m very prone to blaming others for my feeling abandoned, often with no relation to their behaviour. I never could learn his language (i’m sure I can now) and the required travelling to see him became too much, even though we had met through travelling and didn’t feel at home anywhere. This continent of my life was infected and we steeped in sepsis for months and months, resentful, picturing other people when we touched, searching for admiration elsewhere. It’s the worst thing you can do to a bond, demand things from it when it’s dead, as if it was gonna answer. You know it’s been dead for months but when you try and bury it, you can swear you saw it squirm, and then it’s gone, and you took out the doubt.

In this case I didn’t, Martin did. Martin was an old friend I knew through my first partner, and he came back into my life with an exact timing, like he was taking up an offer I was about to throw at someone else. It was all i wanted, car rides at night, feeling desired, watching him on stage, not being shamed. Comfort and help and reassurance, feeling small next to him, and knowing for certain that he understood: everything he says I take seriously, because there’s no way he doesn’t know, I could never lie, and I don’t want to. Well - I omit a little bit since that’s what it takes for me to grow guilt-free: I’m a fangirl and have never felt the need to stop, I let the obsession continent drift and crash, and perhaps it will become submerged and perhaps it won’t. Point is, I can defend it now, all the pieces I feel,I’m no one’s moodboard.

I took a step back and realized I had no way of relying on the trope of a positive ending to this, since there isn’t one. I see no perspective for myself, and I recently understood why antidepressants were considered a risk factor for suicides. It did make me indifferent to things that used to be matters of life and death: school grades, my weight… I care, and I don’t. I gained over 10 kg that sports don’t affect at all: I run all the time, cycle all the time, and it piles up forever, and I don’t recognize myself. I don’t fit in myself anymore. I don’t want to celebrate this thing i haven’t chosen and that I can’t deal with, and when I start thinking about it I end up in a frenzy. I just pretend it’s not there, but I feel so heavy carrying all that me.

It’s a good time to be lost, if you’re okay with it. I’m not. I’m not free enough to be lost: I’m merely pulling on my leash and choking myself, looking at the shop displays, window shopping for life, shiny presents in a snowy christmas street, the others singing while I watch. I watch, I drift off, they see me lose focus, we’re too tired to get me back. There’s so much to experience and when I look back, so much I’m glad I’ve done before realizing I was doing it, because clearly it would be too late by now. I’m not a recluse by choice: I’m one of the weak ones, the eternal witness, or a loser, depending on how you see it. I like both. I think taking myself as seriously as i do now is both a symptom and a cause of why I’m such a bore: what’s so bad about looking stupid? I do it all the time while trying to not look anything at all. It’s not that deep, if I do say so myself, and as you’d expect, I never do. Ah the clever girl’s burden, say the adults, and together we mock the monster we’ve created and the monster takes it personally.

So see, that’s where I’m at: no longer can I lazily bask in the excuse of a shitty partner, this time it’s on me, it’s on being sick, it’s on being sick without an excuse. My parents support me. My partner supports me. My friends would support me if i let them anywhere near me. But I take the crazy and I give it an incubator, I show it films with role models of crazy so it can grow and grow and finally make me special, isn’t this what I do? Look at joaquin phoenix and lose weight, I tell it; you’re not very good at the crazy, looking so plump and healthy. At least show your scars: they’re fading, it’s been over a decade, so now what, we’re just gonna look like someone who should get a makeover without the moving story of why they’re neglecting their appearance? What’s funny is, I’m actually a very ambitious person, mediocre is my rock bottom - listen to me when I tell you. There’s no such thing as effortless when effortless is a mountain.

(payton: i’m scared.) (river) don’t be. There’s more honor in defeat than there is in unused potential. (“the politician” (2019), ep.8)

My therapist recently told me that if I was catholic I’d be in trouble. Duh, right? Jokes aside, she went: then people would see you as a waste because you do nothing with your force. You wouldn’t be allowed to just have that and not live it. I pondered: don’t you think I know that? Is more guilt really the solution?

I know i want things. I know I love things, and people, and sounds, and places, and smells, and being alive. But do you see the difference between ‘knowing’ you shouldn’t be doing something, and understanding it in your very flesh, by experience, growing from it with the intimate conviction that it’s something you must stay away from? I know those things, and I don’t feel them really. I’m a fast learner, I’m a semi competent person, I can almost seem okay in a group. But I have shackles for lungs and I have concrete for breath. It’s got brutalist charm and warmth almost doesn’t spread.

So that’s where I am with the dreams I have and the love I feel and the way it won’t come out. I suppose I’m awake but I’m not quite there. Martin feels it first: the pain on his face when I disconnect is breaking my heart. He’s just trying to bring me back. I’m loved. I’m locked away. And once my arms break I’ll dig my way out with my teeth if I need to.

#my writing #mental health #juistheseminarian

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colitisandme · 5 years

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One of my favourite ‘me quotes’ is ‘Cake is the cornerstone of any nutritious meal’ I used this quote whenever I wanted cake, or to justify eating cake which was at least once a week. Could be big cakes the size of my face, or tiny ones, so whenever I ate them I felt like a giant... didn’t matter. Cake just makes me happy. I am such a foodie. I love sharing foods, trying different cuisines, talking about food, cooking, oh it just became such a big part of me. And the thing is we take food so much for granted. I bet if you were to list what food you had last week, chances are you wouldn’t be able to remember because it all becomes a delicious blur. A meal consists of a cocophany of satisfied slurps, chomps and munches and no one remembers the ins and outs, because food is bloody delicious, incredibly emotive and also vital for energy and fuel so we can keep going.

It’s safe to say my relationship with food has changed. I am wary of it. Its rude, it can be aggressive and mean... It sneaks up on me after I have eaten it and wants all the attention, like a drunk at a party, who hogs the music and every other song screams “shut up, shut up this song is telling the story of my life” whist caterwauling the ear shattering lyrics of John Bon Jovi ‘It’s my life’ at 10,000 decibels. It hurts me. Every day. It makes me worry. It makes me plan my day around it. It governs my life.

It’s amazing how much pleasure food gave me and how every social event revolved around eating - “lets go out for dinner” or “oooh let’s check out this place I hear it does great food” or “drinks and nibbles after work? Or “Let’s catch up over dinner” It just forms such a large part of our social activities and it’s unavoidable. IT’S EVERYWHERE. adverts, supermarkets, TV, free samples.. tempting us and it’s difficult what to know what to do without all those social foodie cues. I have been watching a lot of cooking shows as apparently I like to torture myself and live vicariously through others. I swear the other day I was watching MasterChef Australia and someone brought out a sugar fest of yumminess and a little bit of drool came out... my dreams involve eating, my thoughts involve food, and when I pass Italian restaurants or desert bars, customers get a viewing of me practically licking the window like a demented, feral animal, as they tuck into their Pasta Arrabiata and ice cream sundaes.

Because my GP has been as useful as a chocolate cattle prod over giving me any help with diet, lifestyle or general survival skills to help me live with IBD. I turned to my wonderful Homeopath. I was advised to cut out Sugar, dairy, wheat and gluten. I went green. That pretty much covered my whole diet. What the hell was I going to eat? No bread, cheese, pasta, milk? Maybe I would end up chewing on Cardboard? Is cardboard even nutritious? Can you get it in different flavours? I panicked. This was scary. I took a deep breath then vowed that in two days I would do it. Then I prepared my self for a farewell feast of a lifetime. Over that weekend I gorged on cake, cookies, cheese, crackers. I shovelled in food like a happy hamster. All weekend long. If I could have squirrelled it away in my cheeks I would have done. Gladly. It didn’t matter what I ate, because it shot through me like a rocket. But pain or no pain I was determined to do it. On Sunday. I brought dairy free milk, gluten free pasta and meat and fish and instructed my husband to eat anything I counted as delicious, which he did like the trouper he is.... then Beige Monday began.

I am not going to lie, it’s hard. It’s hard giving up things you love. It’s doubly hard watching your loved ones eat what the hell they want, and don’t have to deal with bum fireworks and crying on the toilet because your arse has turned into a shining beacon of despair. I have never resented my friends, my husband or family for their co-operative digestive systems, but it does sometimes suck when you go to a party and there’s nothing you can eat without turning your bowels into a Catherine wheel on bonfire night.

Recently. Food has waged war on my body. Not just foods that are considered yummy. Nope. I mean any foods. Even friendly foods. The whole process of digestion has become a cruel game of chance. “Tonight let’s see what the tombola of digestive distress has in store for you this time” *spin * spin *spin* .... “congratulations tonight you will be having horrendous hiccups which make you sound like a dying giraffe, and will make you want to hit yourself in the face to make them stop, bloatedness where you are going to balloon to the size of a whale and finally constipation for 3 days... thanks for playing and tune in next time for another thrilling addition...” Every time I eat or now even drink water I ask myself Is this going to make me writhe in agony, or is this just going to be mildly upsetting? A week or so ago whilst eating, I practically threw my plate across the room. My body was screaming. The pain was intense. Every time I breathed, moved .. oh my god. It was awful. And I admit I had a moment of sheer frustration and exhaustion I ended up swearing at my food, chastising it. asking my sweet potato fries what the hell I had done to them to make them behave in such an aggressive mannor. Screaming “EVERYTHING ON THIS PLATE IS DESIGNED NOT TO HURT ME, SO WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HURTING ME YOU FOOD OF LIES” I could not make the pain stop. After many cuddles from my husband, who listened to me talking about the evils of ham, I crawled to bed clutching my panda waterbottle and desperately tried, through gritted teeth to practice mindfulness and meditation to help ease the pain, and prayed that I wouldn’t have to call an ambulance at 2 in the morning as I truly hate hospitals.

Sometimes I can eat twice a day sometimes once a day. Very occasionally 3 meals a day (on these days I give myself a gold star and victory dairy free, gluten free cookie and do a victory dance to myself. My IBD symptoms can range anything from aching joints and muscles, dry skin, weight loss, nausea, pain, diarrhoea, constipation, extreme fatigue, brain fog... the list goes on. And would you believe that the simple process of eating and the follow up of digestion makes all these things worse, as the nutrients don’t get to wherever they need to go and those that do, there aren’t enough to aid me, and so I take a butt load of natural suppliments to help my body function. I guess at the moment the battle of me vs food goes on and usually food wins but occasionally it doesn’t, and those are the days that although I lament the loss of cake, I hold my head high, go to my cupboard and make some chia, dairy free, cocoa and gf brownies and snuggle down and watch MasterChef. Because whether I can participate or not, I will always be a foodie at heart.

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dark-confessions06 · 6 years

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Normally when I set up for a long post I always have a plan. How I want it laid out and how I want to start. But to be honest, my brain has been jumping topics and running on over drive. And instead of letting it all run wild in my head, I'm gonna find the best way to let it all out. Cause sure I do talk out all of this with my boyfriend, but it doesn't make the buzzing stop.

My first thought came to me early last week. I felt horrible about myself and like a failure. It actually hit me that my siblings are doing better than I am, and they are 3 years younger than me. They are younger than me and have/can hold a job, own a car, paying bills, getting their own apartments...just actually adulting. And I'm sitting here half way to 30 not knowing what to do with myself or what is 'the right/adult thing to do', without a car, without a license, without an ID with a working address, can't hold a job longer than a year(if I even get there), can't make my brain function and focus to get said jobs. Dude I can't even put in job applications without anxiety attacks. Wanna know a secret? I have always been like that. And the part that scares me the most is I feel like it won't ever change. Sure I'm making small adjustments or getting little things done but I feel so far behind. I literally feel like I'm stuck at 15. I literally feel like a 15yr old parading around as a 25yr old. People I graduated with or are my age have jobs with vacation and amazing pay, own a house, own a car, getting married, having children, straight up moving on with their lives and making something of themselves. I feel so far behind. Even if I tried applying myself to even make something of myself (whatever that might mean) I get overwhelmed and panicked and cry. I can't even stop it or help it.

Other thoughts revolve around myself in general. Some that have been there for years, some for a few months. And that's a very open and vauge topic. Goes from this mental bullshit to that mental bullshit. Starting with how I see myself. I feel a little better now about myself. After coming out. I feel a little more myself and a little more free. And when I'm passing out in public, I feel fantastic. When I'm about to take a shower or when I'm lounging on the couch(without a bra or binder) that's when everything changes. That's when I look down or look in the mirror and feel like stabbing and slicing and crying. Yet I force myself to only cry in the shower so no one knows or I don't talk about it or try and be strong. That's what brought me to last night. Yesterday was rough, real rough. So I wanted to get as high as I could to relax and be content. Last night I was able to get so high, I felt decent about my body and came up with this fucked up nonsense logic(that helped me feel better about my body when I looked in the mirror). Bigger/heavier men, talking 200-300lbs, have "boobs"...right? Like because your fat(lack of a better term) naturally even cis men get tits. Right? So I sat there and looked in the mirror and told myself "you are not a female with boobs, you are a fatter man who happens to have a larger chest". And so even today when I took a shower, I caught myself starting to cry and get angry then I stopped myself and said exactly what I was telling myself last night. It sort of helped. Any coping skill, strange or not, is better than cutting open my chest. Right?

My other thoughts revolve around my boyfriend and his family. And what others have had to say. I've heard from a few different sources that someone out there thinks I'm unhappy, I'm in a shitty relationship, I'm a leech who lives off my boyfriend, I'm doing weird things and need help. Wanna know the truth from my mouth instead of believing gossip and rumors? Truth is, if we're talking in a whole, I am happy. I'm happier in my relationship now than I have ever been. Does that mean I'm happy all the time? News flash sweetie, that doesn't exist. Your depression doesn't magically go away when you get into a healthy relationship. I am with a man who loves me unconditionally, who supports me unconditionally. A man who cares, listens, has my back and is always there. Always. Just like I've said in a previous post, idgaf what his PAST was. We all have pasts we aren't proud of. What REALLY matters is who he is now. And he truly is an amazing boyfriend. And guess what GOOD boyfriend's do? THEY MAKE SURE THEIR PARTNER HAS EVERYTHING THEY NEED. You wouldn't say "sorry I can't help you" if your boyfriend came to you and said I need more toothpaste or deorderant. You'd not be a shitty person and be like "okay babe, we'll get you more". So no, I am not living off of my boyfriend and his family. I fight hard for them to not spend money on me. Really hard. Even when it is something as simple or cheap as deorderant. When my tooth was hurting so bad I was in tears every single day, I waited til I was to the point of screaming and ripping out my own tooth before I asked my boyfriend to spend $2 on some orajel. TWO DOLLARS. Has his mom spent money on me? Yes. Did his mom pay for my ticket to go on vacation with them? Yes. However, she thinks of me as a son also. She tells me over and over how I'm part of the family and if she wants to go on vacation with her family, she'll make sure I can come. And when she spends money on me I feel as shitty as I do when my boyfriend spends money on me. I feel bad bc I don't know how I will ever repay it. So then this leads us to the "I'm doing weird things and need help". Honestly, you can fuck off with that noise. I am being myself. I am learning WHO tf I am. And if I have different coping skills than you, so fucking what? When I'm going into a full blown panic attack and feel the need to slice open my skin, I grab my binkie and stuffy and curl up into daddy's lap. So what? Maybe others can pop anxiety meds or get out of the house but those aren't or aren't always options for me. And if I found something that works for me, that doesn't harm me or others, who TF cares?

Then of course all these separate topics and thoughts run on hamster wheels in different directions all goddamn day. Nonstop. They also mutate into other thoughts than I mentioned here. At the end of the day all I can say is I am trying. I am trying so hard. I just try and tell myself that some day I will be even better than I am now.

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shortworks · 6 years

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It was an atypical week. The colleague that I work with the most was on vacation. I was essentially doing my job and his. By the end of yesterday, I had over 530 emails. Some days I only had time to have a snack instead of eating lunch. Yesterday I ate a big salad at 4 PM.

I left the office at a reasonable hour and drove home. I decided I wanted to order some take-out, and after shoveling the driveway, I went to pick it up.

I parked in a lot a short distance behind the restaurant and as I was walking along I looked to the sky to admire the snow. I know that I say this too often, but it really did make me feel like I was in a snow globe.

This really got me thinking; isn't it fascinating how we live on this massive rotating planet which revolves around the sun? Isn't it wild that we have weather? The human mind is beyond remarkable. We recognize when it's snowing and we come up with so many connotations for it. We admire its beauty while simultaneously dreading the drive home. And to think about cars and the infrastructure invented by humans adds a whole other level.

It is so easy to feel like you're on a hamster wheel in this life. We get into our routines and rarely sway from them. It's so odd in a sense because we truly do have an amazing place to explore. Our world is full of weather, cars, roads, pets, tea, and so many intriguing things. It's honestly mind blowing when you think about it all.

Take a moment today to look around. Observe some things around you and marvel in their awesomeness. You are part of this unbelievable life.

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waynekelton · 5 years

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A Premium Gamer's Take on Harry Potter: Wizard's Unite

The Harry Potter universe has been gifted with a vast lore and sundry cast of characters. Its magical world is already half-ensconced in everyone’s hearts. So it comes as no surprise that such a beloved franchise would be reincarnated as a real-time, real-world global phenomenon in the form of Harry Potter: Wizards Unite. I’m plainly not among its intended audience, but despite this handicap, Wizards Unite already found itself a place in my daily life, which is a tough feat.

If you want some beginner tips to get you started in Wizards Unite, check out this guide!

For the hardcore tactical crowd, real-world Harry Potter might seem at first blush to be a hard sell, yet the game is surprisingly nuanced (though not especially complicated). Basically its interlocking system of stats and ever-revolving timers mean that success pretty much requires a strategic mindset.

I won’t list ad nauseum the tips and tricks to maximize your experience churn or battle effectiveness, but I will tell you that within days I felt a pure and relentless drive to gain those competitive advantages for myself. ‘Competitive’ is a relative term, of course, because in Harry Potter: Wizards Unite everything is co-operative, with the ultimate goal being to marshal each wizard’s powers to mitigate a Calamity. Retrieving ‘Foundables’ means snatching all those precious magical characters and items and rescuing them. So the while game’s co-op, though there’s plenty to do and brag about.

It has a tasteful take on timers. Namely, perhaps the most important resource of all, spell energy, does not replenish automatically. This choice seems gross, nasty, limiting, *superficially*, but the constraint is actually brilliant. It encourages thoughtful planning and means the urge to ‘always be playing’ is a little less omnipresent. You get energy from inns and occasionally other spots, so energy is regained by going out into the world. Once more unto the breach, as it were.

And these trips are quite economically packed into an ordinary day, honestly, which is another refreshing surprise. Yes, certain thresholds ought to be reached daily (*ahem daily quests*) to get the most bang for your time investment, but even in short bursts the game just flows. Though I will say that accurate spellcasting, in which the player should rapidly and precisely trace the on-screen glyph, does not go well with even a slow amble. Better spell-sketching does appear to mean marginally better experience rewards, so it’s generally worth doing well.

Magical Realism

There are a million small quirks and tricks like these, and the fun part is that they can be discovered organically through play. A good game teaches you how to learn its systems, and Wizards Unite does this through more than overly-chummy, voice-acted tutorials. Its interface is clearly delineated into the overworld and resource management portions, for example. A few quality-of-life tips. First, you probably want power saver mode, because this one is a battery guzzler. Secondly, in the interest of conserving data roaming and bypassing asset loading hiccups, go under options and download everything on a fast network.

The Wizard Challenges are kinda like raids or perhaps dungeons, and they are such fun because of how easy it is for friends to just pop in and assist matters. Right now, there is a class system, ‘Professions’ that very roughly breaks down into the Holy MMO Trinity of DPS-Tank-Support, which is nice. It’s not Naxxramas but it is interactive and free-wheeling.

There are hints of a larger mystery and story afoot, and I can’t say when I’ll pierce the veil, for it looks like this is the endgame content for maxed accounts. Most games like this strive to make the present status quo all-important through laser-like focus on factions and territory struggles. Wizards Unite wants its players to excavate the past. In a personal sense of the pure nostalgia trip, in a gamer sense of finding every last Foundable, and most curiously, in a plot sense by retracing the lives and tragedies of some new characters who created the present Calamity. This is Cool Stuff™, and I can only hope that player’s actions will guide how future story installments unfold.

Veritaserum with a Dash of Felix Felicis

Now, it isn’t all roses. Lest this writeup seem hyperbolic by setting a low bar, do keep in mind that this game is relentless. It follows certain evergreen rules of free-to-play. There is always something valuable to do, which in a way makes the monetisation feel less predatory, but the flipside means the whole contraption risks feeling like a magical fusion of a Skinner Box and hamster wheel. I will say that its sense of place and timing is quite gracile, and that the game is relatively low-variance. Its payouts and reward systems are fair, if only when compared to hideous cousins. And I can tell already this game has legs, so early adopters will be able to cruise through any later story or content expansions. To sum it up: the game is binge-worthy but it really isn’t binge-able.

So it’s fully intended to become part of your life, and on that front there’s naturally community, social media integration and cosmetic options. Wizards have customized wands, sure, but accessorized selfies? So be it. Still, any game that encourages meeting up with others and romping around town is going to encourage some fresh air and friendly faces, guaranteeing mild exercise of body and mind. And that’s why my impressions have been peppered with uplifting phrases and themes like ‘refreshing’ and ‘tasteful’. It’s so easy to be jaded and cynical when it comes to massive launches of blue-chip IP like this. But if you take it without preconceptions, on its own terms, the results behind this game will be gratifying. I urge one and all to try to see with fresh eyes and give it a shot.

And if Harry Potter isn’t your thing, there’s always the Minecraft one due later this year-ED.

A Premium Gamer's Take on Harry Potter: Wizard's Unite published first on https://touchgen.tumblr.com/

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timclymer · 5 years

Text

How to Kill Depression Before It Kills You

Depression kills.

Sadly, these people did not live to tell of its horrors – 16,467, aged between 45 and 85 +, almost half of the total deaths by suicide, across all ages, in the U.S. in 2014, making it the country’s 10th leading cause of deaths.

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention believes the figure could be higher if some families were not hesitant or reluctant to report a suicide in the family. Already traumatized by the loss of a loved one, they didn’t want to be stigmatized as a family of loonies.

What drove them to end their lives? Mostly depression.

What makes it sad is that depression can be cured. What makes these deaths tragic and unnecessary is that depression usually starts from harmless “blues” we all experience in any given day. For failure to plug a leak, a deluge was created.

They didn’t recognize it coming or too complacent until things have gotten way over their heads. By then, they thought blowing their heads off was the only way out of their misery..

Can it happen to you? Will you become a part of this morbid statistic?

It depends on how you value life; on how you cherish your family who will grieve over your death, on how strong is your belief that no matter how bad things are, they will soon pass; that the storm ravaging you now will soon be pushed aside by sunbeams that will fill your heart and soul with joy.

It depends on your awareness that you are not alone. That somewhere, right now, others are also suffering as you are.

They, too, are:

o Feeling sad or low;

o Suffering from loss of interest in activities they normally enjoy doing;

o Having eating problems, losing or gaining weight for no apparent reason;

o Having problems sleeping or not wanting to get up;

o Feeling tired or lethargic;

o Restless (hand-wringing or pacing); slow in movement and speech;

o Having concentration problems or making decisions

o Thinking of committing suicide.

We all feel these things every now and then. Normally they will pass in a matter of days or a couple of weeks. They normally go away after a good sleep, a hearty meal, a good conversation with family or friends, or a change in scenery.

If they don’t, then do your darndest best to kill them before they kill you.

DIY Tools to Kill Depression:

It’s normal to feel down once in a while. It is not because of age but because our lives have become so routinary, so boring – like a hamster spinning in its wheel.

It is because we are so self-obsessed, forgetting that there is a whole wide world out there to learn, explore, experience, and conquer.

Depressive behavior is fed by your own thoughts, which puts imaginary barriers around you, making you see nothing but four walls closing in around you every day until it become a prison.

For some, breaking free from that prison is difficult, even impossible.

Those who did, did so by simply discarding their self-destructive thoughts; they simply unshackled from themselves from the chains of their own making.

I did it by picking the lock of my harmful thoughts using these simple DIY tools. You can use them, too

1. Do a Forrest Gump:

Remember the movie Forrest Gump? The movie revolved around Forrest, sitting on bench while waiting for a bus, and telling his story to anybody and everybody who came along to sit beside him.

Kind of stupid, but is an easy and cheap way of killing depressing thoughts.

My late Mom was a Forrest Gump, sort of. She visited me each time she felt the world crushing her in. The moment she got settled she immediately rattled off her problems, like a machine gun, while I just sat there listening to her.

When she was winding down, I offered her snacks. It immediately changed her mood, and set her off doting on my children (my daughter was her favorite).

Find someone you can be a Forrest Gump to. I am, to my daughter-in-law. It works all the time.

But you cannot do it all the time. Your sounding board may not be around when you need them, or you may bore them to death or, worse, infect them. Depression is as infectious as a virus.

So you need other tools to kill it…

2. Visit or call a friend who can pull you up:

Not just any friend. But someone who can pull you up, not press you down.

Avoid a friend who will make your innermost fears and insecurities become a part of the neighborhood’s breaking news the following day.

Keep away from a friend who will casually brush with an “it will just pass,” comment without helping you make it pass, or one who will cut you short by saying, “your problems are nothing compared to mine.”

Call or visit a friend who is interested to know how you made your garden the envy of your neighbors, or who wants to listen to your collection of love songs, circa Romeo and

Juliet, or who wants to leaf through your bookstand of cloth-bound books; someone who wants to cuddle your new-born grandchild.

A friend who finds value in you and knows how to take your thoughts off yourself and shunt them somewhere else.

3. Take a hike of discovery:

Go to the beach and take a dip, or just walk along the shore, barefoot, and feel the sand tickle the soles of your feet; pick up sea shells or bits of corals and ponder on the genius who sculpted them into such spectacular shapes and forms.

Then face the horizon and, with arms outstretched, fill your lungs with the salty breeze until it’s about to burst, slowly exhale through your mouth and say, “God, life is good. I am so blessed to be alive.”

If the beach is not your cup of tea, try the park.

Find a bench in the cool corner of your town park, under the shade of a giant tree, and fill your senses with the sights, sounds, smells around you.

For a moment be mindful.

Empty your mind of everything and delight in being on a tiny piece of earth where everything has a purpose – from the tiny ants scurrying about with bits of food between its pinchers, to the grasshoppers nibbling a blade of grass, to the butterflies and bees flitting from flower to flower, to the squirrels clambering up and down trees storing nuts, to the fallen leaves around your feet, to the tree under whose shade you sought refuge, and YOU.

Together, you comprise the delicate balance of Nature, of Life. Remove one and you offset the balance.

For a clincher, be a child again.

Take the swing, or ride the Ferris wheel, the merry-go-round, or throw Frisbees.

Never think, even for a moment, that these are for children. No matter how old we are, a certain part of us, buried under tons of adult things, remains a child.

Bring it out and be a child again. Have fun; laugh. You might save yourself.

About a month ago, I tried the hoverboard and the merry-go-round just for the heck of it. I looked silly (and almost twisted an ankle) but I didn’t give a hoot what others thought. I had fun and that’s all that mattered

4. Don’t be afraid to seek professional help:

If, after having taken all the Paracetamols you can lay your hands on, you still have the colds, see a doctor before you get pneumonia.

Depression is either “from the mind” or “in the mind.”

The above tools work well for the “from the mind” type, but can’t do much if it is “in the mind.”

If your depression lasts for long periods of time, say months or years, then that falls under the worrisome category of Mental Illness, and a close relative of anxiety, bipolar disorder (this drove Robin Williams to commit suicide), schizophrenia and many others.

It is “worrisome,” not hopelessly disastrous because modern science has the tools to help out, or cope with them. Provided you nip it in the bud.

So if you have been seeing blue for a long, long time, seek professional help to clear it out.

Shortly after my wife died, I went into depression. My daughter, who is a doctor, took me to one of her doctor friends. After the usual series of questions, he prescribed me some anti-depressants which I was to take twice daily for two months.

As a good patient, I bought them despite their being depressively expensive and started taking them. After a couple of days, out of curiosity, I surfed for anti-depressants and their side-effects.

To my horror, I found out that some anti-depressants can cause erectile dysfunction. “Oh, God! I can’t allow more sorrow upon my sorrows,” I said to myself.

I stopped taking it and started tinkering with my thoughts to take them off my painful loss. That’s how I came upon these. They can help you, too.

Source by Joseph Dabon

from Home Solutions Forev https://homesolutionsforev.com/how-to-kill-depression-before-it-kills-you/ via Home Solutions on WordPress from Home Solutions FOREV https://homesolutionsforev.tumblr.com/post/185653140230 via Tim Clymer on Wordpress

#Home Solutions FOREV

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homesolutionsforev · 5 years

Text

How to Kill Depression Before It Kills You

Depression kills.

What drove them to end their lives? Mostly depression.

They didn’t recognize it coming or too complacent until things have gotten way over their heads. By then, they thought blowing their heads off was the only way out of their misery..

Can it happen to you? Will you become a part of this morbid statistic?

It depends on your awareness that you are not alone. That somewhere, right now, others are also suffering as you are.

They, too, are:

o Feeling sad or low;

o Suffering from loss of interest in activities they normally enjoy doing;

o Having eating problems, losing or gaining weight for no apparent reason;

o Having problems sleeping or not wanting to get up;

o Feeling tired or lethargic;

o Restless (hand-wringing or pacing); slow in movement and speech;

o Having concentration problems or making decisions

o Thinking of committing suicide.

If they don’t, then do your darndest best to kill them before they kill you.

DIY Tools to Kill Depression:

It’s normal to feel down once in a while. It is not because of age but because our lives have become so routinary, so boring – like a hamster spinning in its wheel.

It is because we are so self-obsessed, forgetting that there is a whole wide world out there to learn, explore, experience, and conquer.

Depressive behavior is fed by your own thoughts, which puts imaginary barriers around you, making you see nothing but four walls closing in around you every day until it become a prison.

For some, breaking free from that prison is difficult, even impossible.

Those who did, did so by simply discarding their self-destructive thoughts; they simply unshackled from themselves from the chains of their own making.

I did it by picking the lock of my harmful thoughts using these simple DIY tools. You can use them, too

1. Do a Forrest Gump:

Remember the movie Forrest Gump? The movie revolved around Forrest, sitting on bench while waiting for a bus, and telling his story to anybody and everybody who came along to sit beside him.

Kind of stupid, but is an easy and cheap way of killing depressing thoughts.

When she was winding down, I offered her snacks. It immediately changed her mood, and set her off doting on my children (my daughter was her favorite).

Find someone you can be a Forrest Gump to. I am, to my daughter-in-law. It works all the time.

But you cannot do it all the time. Your sounding board may not be around when you need them, or you may bore them to death or, worse, infect them. Depression is as infectious as a virus.

So you need other tools to kill it…

2. Visit or call a friend who can pull you up:

Not just any friend. But someone who can pull you up, not press you down.

Avoid a friend who will make your innermost fears and insecurities become a part of the neighborhood’s breaking news the following day.

Call or visit a friend who is interested to know how you made your garden the envy of your neighbors, or who wants to listen to your collection of love songs, circa Romeo and

Juliet, or who wants to leaf through your bookstand of cloth-bound books; someone who wants to cuddle your new-born grandchild.

A friend who finds value in you and knows how to take your thoughts off yourself and shunt them somewhere else.

3. Take a hike of discovery:

If the beach is not your cup of tea, try the park.

Find a bench in the cool corner of your town park, under the shade of a giant tree, and fill your senses with the sights, sounds, smells around you.

For a moment be mindful.

Together, you comprise the delicate balance of Nature, of Life. Remove one and you offset the balance.

For a clincher, be a child again.

Take the swing, or ride the Ferris wheel, the merry-go-round, or throw Frisbees.

Never think, even for a moment, that these are for children. No matter how old we are, a certain part of us, buried under tons of adult things, remains a child.

Bring it out and be a child again. Have fun; laugh. You might save yourself.

4. Don’t be afraid to seek professional help:

If, after having taken all the Paracetamols you can lay your hands on, you still have the colds, see a doctor before you get pneumonia.

Depression is either “from the mind” or “in the mind.”

The above tools work well for the “from the mind” type, but can’t do much if it is “in the mind.”

It is “worrisome,” not hopelessly disastrous because modern science has the tools to help out, or cope with them. Provided you nip it in the bud.

So if you have been seeing blue for a long, long time, seek professional help to clear it out.

As a good patient, I bought them despite their being depressively expensive and started taking them. After a couple of days, out of curiosity, I surfed for anti-depressants and their side-effects.

To my horror, I found out that some anti-depressants can cause erectile dysfunction. “Oh, God! I can’t allow more sorrow upon my sorrows,” I said to myself.

I stopped taking it and started tinkering with my thoughts to take them off my painful loss. That’s how I came upon these. They can help you, too.

Source by Joseph Dabon

from Home Solutions Forev https://homesolutionsforev.com/how-to-kill-depression-before-it-kills-you/ via Home Solutions on WordPress

#Home Solutions Forev

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hillbillyhocuspocus · 6 years

Text

November 6th, 2018 // North Node Enters Cancer - South Node Enters Capricorn // Shell-less Crabs

One of the lesser known, or least talked about aspects in basic astrology are the lunar Nodes. We are all born with them, and.they're not planetary bodies, but mathematical points. The Moon's North and South Nodes are points, indicating where the Moon's path around Earth crosses the ecliptic. The ecliptic is the belt through which the Sun and planets appear to travel from our perspective on Earth.

Our personal natal Nodes can tell us a lot about our past, and future. While many aspects of a natal chart focus on personality in the now, or forever, these two points focus specifically on who you have been, and who you can be. If you are someone who believes in "past lives", the South Node gives clues as to who you may have been, and what kind of karma you carry over in this life. If you're not a believer in past lives, it can show you who you used to be in this life, or your younger self. Your North Node on the other hand gives you clues as to what sort of "destiny" you shall fulfill if you will. If you listen to your guides, follow the signs, and put in the work, your North Node is an accomplished fate, your most divine way of being, or your best self.

Lately, as a whole consciousness, we've been under the influence of the Lunar Nodes stationed in Leo/Aquarius. As we all have a natal chart, each progression happens to each of us in personal ways. Though often you can spot these themes appearing in and out of your life in various forms, and before you know it, everything begins being filtered through the shifts. While stationed on the Leo/Aquarius axis, the North Node called all under it's influence to stop always putting them-self last. These energies asked you perhaps to be a more authentic version of yourself, as Leo rules the self, however positive, or negative the effect on your community/those close to you. We put "groups" per-say on the back burner, and maybe even friendships. Some may have lost their identity in the groups they belonged to, forcing them to take a step back, for some "self care". Although we have seen many protests, and rally’s akin to our sisters, and brothers of the 60's and 70's, often times those who attended may have used the cause, rebellion, and group to boost them self on social media, or brag about what they were doing to change society. A downside of the Leo archetype, ego inflation. There's a balance to be found.

The Nodes which have been stationed in Leo/Aquarius since May 9th of 2017 are about to light up with activity! They will be shifting on November 6th, 2018 into Cancer/Capricorn axis! There are many monumental shifts occurring during the first half of November, and this is just the start! Other than shifting into a new sign, the Lunar Nodes will also be squaring Uranus, planet of shocks, surprises, and technology! Not only will these two transits shift within hours of one another, but they will both be in their respective signs, and at exactly 00:00 degrees. This energy is special, potent, and powerful, and it's headed our way! Uranus will also be fully Retrograde in the sign of Aries on this same day! I've written another article on this you can find HERE

Uranus has been headed into a retrograde period before finally entering the sign of Taurus for good next year, 2019! Think back to May of this year for clues on what to expect once that happens fully.

This shift could change everything you've been doing in your life as of lately, and possibly your entire life, forever. The Lunar Nodes being so intertwined with themes of destiny, and fate, has me feeling like this change will be HUGE, and! Fated!

Looking at the signs the Lunar Nodes will shift into brings us into one of those good ol' fashion astrological conundrums. We will be reaching to be more Cancer-esq...while also trying to wiggle free of Capricorns stern grip. The puzzle is in Saturn, and Pluto being stationed in Capricorn. These factors nullify one another at first glance, then upon closer inspection begin to swirl, and melt into one another.

Cancer calls water home, and that's where it wished it could stay forever. Of the water element of the zodiac, Cancer is cardinal, Cancer flows with the ebb and flow of the tide, and climbs the silvery beams Mother Moon shines. The season for Cancer lets a warm, spicy breeze blow by, June, and July are the perfect time for swimming in the Northern Hemisphere. Water is often symbolic of feelings, and emotions, which Cancer feels with their soft insides more than they could ever let you see. Cancer is related to all things feminine, mother, nurture, home, family, spirituality, and hysteria.

When we examine the South Node shifting into Capricorn, we've gotta look at all of those things we need to let go of, inked in Capricorn nature. Now, as I mentioned we are still fiddling with Saturn and Pluto there, so we must find a way to keep what is valuable, let go of what is not, and integrate the jagged edges. Capricorn is represent by the Sea Goat. The Sea Goat may have no business trying to climb towering mountains, however it must, it is it's job, and it must reach the top with honors. The Sea Goat is serious, is stern, and the course is charted with absolute precision. Chaos is not permitted in the realm of Capricorn, unless it's under hoof, and out of sight. The Sea Goat knows the rules, and suggests you follow them, in turn teaching you the path of the Sea Goat, the only way to the top. Like it's counterpart, the Cancer, the Sea Goat is skilled in occult practices. Where Cancer feels the flow, Capricorn transforms the ground the rivers flow on. Where would the river flow without the stability of ground beneath? Capricorn is related to all things masculine, power, authority figures, our fathers, our governments, our systems, structure, stability, excessive control, restriction, torture, punishment, and pain.

Our journey thus far with Saturn, and Pluto's placement in the sign of Capricorn have had us reviewing lessons on these topics, as well as showing us the darker underpinnings of the systems we have intact. While things have moved more slowly in these realms due to Saturn, we've had more time to observe, and really see. We've had time to really commit, and attempt to stabilize the out of control aspects in our lives, the more sinister chaos that often sits below the surface. While the Capricorn is an earth sign, it is still half fish. It's lower half has the ability to breath in the sea, and blend the experiences of Earth and Water. It is up to us to make the choice...

land or sea? Harsh punishment, or empathy? Control, or freedom? Slavery, or Brotherhood? Work or family? Do we succeed because of what we accomplish, or are we all born equally successful, perfect? How can we make our reality feel more like "home"?

On November the 6th when Retrograding Uranus Squares the Lunar Nodes, which will on the same day shift axis, something may happen out of the blue which will completely re-write whatever you have going on in your day to day. Whatever plans you may have been making, whatever goals you may have set for yourself, whatever you thought you knew... think again!

Before going any further, and just as a reminder… A planet going “retrograde” means that, from where we are on Earth, it APPEARS to be moving backwards. The opposite of retrograde motion (or Rx for short) is direct motion. The planet is not actually moving backwards however, it is an optical illusion. The planets are still moving forward through space, but because the planets do not revolve around Earth and Earth is also in motion, so many times throughout a year some planets appear to go backwards. In that process, it backs up over a certain range of degrees in the zodiac and ends up passing through that range three times: first forward, then backward and lastly forward again. There are also “shadow” periods as a planet begins to make these passes, and leave them.

At first this may only happen internally, emotionally, or even subconsciously due to Uranus in Retrograde motion. Some little pin prick of a feeling may enter your awareness...some strange feeling like nothing was the same as it was the day before. Everything can be exactly as it was, but somehow you just feel "different"..."weird"..."strange". During shifts like this, especially with retrograde planets, I always feel some sense of deja vu, or like everything around me is somehow so surreal. It feels like being re-set in a way, or like the whole world is a piece of fiction, and I'm just watching. Until slowly the small pin prick bleeds into a new state of awareness, and I begin to take a more, and more active approach.

Uranus is associated with innovation, discovery, progression, rebellion, individuality, change, surprise, electricity, and technology. When Rx Uranus squares the Lunar Nodes we may see internal technology glitches, and crashes, as well as new technology being released, and marketed. We may experience technological malfunctions even in household appliances, or anything with moving parts. Similar to a Mercury Retrograde, but more radical. It's very fitting this would happen right as we approach the 5th of November! Ahaha! V from V for Vendetta is a prefect example of the kind of technology glitches which would spiral from Uranus.

As the Lunar Nodes shift you may find yourself re-thinking, and re-evaluating what direction your heading. Some may quit, or leave their jobs in favor of more family time. Some may switch to working from home rather than outside of it. All will be drawn to escape the hamster wheel that is minimum wage Hell in favor of what is truly important, those who love you...your family...or the family you have chosen. Family is who's there for you, not always blood. You may try more to nurture those who you love who cannot escape the tie between work/survival. Taking on a motherly approach, packing their lunch with more care, making sure they're as comfortable as you can make them before they are in the grip of their bosses. Internally you will not be able to look away from their pain any longer, it will tug at your heart strings each time you/they have to go to their work environment where they are belittled, punished, and used.

There are lessons to learn in each sign of the Zodiac. There are things we can take from each sign of value, and it's not wise to throw Capricorn's structure wholly out the window. It will take the careful planning of Capricorn to reach the goals Cancer has set for us for the next 2 years. We can use Capricorn's willfulness to not waiver from our goals, and their determination to climb the summit of releasing the chains of society.

The Lunar Nodes will remain on the Cancer/Capricorn axis from November the 6th, 2018, until May.05.2020.

The crab removes it's shell...and is held by the sea.

#blog #cancer #capricorn #zodiac #astrology #north node #south node #north node enters cancer #south node enters capricorn

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cedarrrun · 6 years

Text

5 Steps to Recover from an Injury, On and Off the Mat

https://www.yogajournal.com/lifestyle/5-steps-to-recover-from-an-injury-on-and-off-the-mat You may be experiencing an injury and all that comes with it, but you are not your injury. Here are 5 ways to recover mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Over the past two years, while dealing with a slow-healing hip injury, I’ve learned that injuries not only affect your physical life—which can have a major impact if you’re an active person or use your body for your profession, like I do—they can also take a toll on your mind, emotions, and finances. In this Yogaland Podcast, hosted by Andrea Ferretti, I go into full detail about my mental, physical, emotional, and financial experiences during my injury journey, plus challenges I’ve faced as a yoga teacher, what gave me hope, and what made my experience more manageable. Though the first six months post-injury were especially difficult, once I started to implement the following life-changing steps, my journey became a lot easier.

See also 4 Ways to Build Hip Stability + Prevent Injury

5 Steps to Recover from an Injury, On and Off the Mat 1. Take Care of Your Injury, but Don’t Let Your Injury Take Over Your Life. When dealing with an injury, obviously take good care of your body, avoid activities that make the injury worse, and be sure to get all the medical attention you need. If you know the healing process is going to take a long time, it’s important not to get your identity wrapped up with your injury. You are experiencing an injury, and all that comes with it, but you are not your injury. There is more to you and your life than this particular experience.

I learned this lesson a long time ago when dealing with a health issue that influenced my entire digestive track, and got worse after I picked up a parasite in India. For the next couple of years, my entire world revolved around my stomach and colon—that was all I thought about, talked about, read about, etc. My health issue, and trying to fix it, became such a part of my life that it wasn’t healthy for me, or my relationships.

This time around, even though for the first six months I was in non-stop pain that affected my daily activities (I couldn’t even put shoes on unless they were flip-flops), my teaching, and my sleep, I refused to let this experience take over my life. I continue to meet with medical care professionals and do activities to support the healing process, but I don’t give this experience all of my attention. There is a big world out there and more to life than focusing on my hip.

The takeaway: Constantly talking and thinking about your injury, or any negative situation or setback, gives it more power. Focus on the positive aspects of your life while taking steps to get well.

2. Prioritize Self-Care. Feel the Feels, but Don’t Get Stuck There. Injuries not only take a toll on your body, they also do a number on you mental and emotional state, leaving you in a vulnerable place. The first few months post-injury, I experienced a lot of internal turmoil, anxiety, and depression. I questioned how I would be able to stand on my own two feet, literally and figuratively. I wondered how long would I be in this limited state, how would it affect my teaching and teaching career, what else could I do for work since I’d worked solely in the yoga world for well over a decade, and where would I live if I had to give up everything? The way I normally processed this type of anxiety would be by going for a walk or moving through an asana practice, but that wasn’t an option.

I discovered the best way to handle this period of instability was coming up with routines that helped me feel supported and whole. To de-stress, I found that I could swim with a buoy between my legs, which felt like a meditative practice in and of itself. I got a waterproof iPod and turned it into an underwater party. To brighten my mood, I reintroduced my body to the sun. I spent more time with friends, and discovered how much I love Jacuzzis, hot springs, bathhouses, listening to the ocean, and getting chair massages.

The takeaway: Figure out what makes you feel at ease and supported, and do it!

3. Rewire Your Thinking. Focus on What You Can Do Now. Post-injury, it’s easy to dwell on not having the same range of motion you once had or not having the capability to safely get into your favorite yoga postures. These limitations may last weeks, years, or even a lifetime. It’s normal to experience frustration and grieve your new limitations. That being said, continuing to focus on what “used to be” is not going to serve you or anyone else. It’s important not to get your identity, or value, wrapped up with your physical range of motion or capability. Your “do” is not your “who.“ You are not your yoga practice. The asana practice is only a tool to help connect you to something deeper than the physical body. Also, let go of the misconception that being able to do complex asanas equates to being an advanced yoga practitioner.

In the same way holding onto your past doesn’t serve you, putting unrealistic expectations on what your practice “should” look like by an arbitrary date isn’t healthy. Our timeline and Mother Nature’s timelines don’t always line up. It’s important to respect your body instead of pushing yourself too hard, which can lead to further setbacks. I learned this all too well in the first couple of weeks after my injury by pushing myself too hard, making my injury 100 times worse. Even after making my injury worse, I planned to be back to my normal practice in four to six months, while no doctor, both then and now, has been able to give me a timeline as to when I’ll be back to “normal.” Currently, I would be in a much better place and had an easier time healing had I backed off rather than pushed.

Two months into my injury, after experiencing a lot of depression and anxiety, I decided to rewire my mind. I sat down with a pen and paper and made an exhaustive list of everything I could do NOW, both on and off the mat. This was by far a turning point for me that gave me a much more positive outlook. I was so shocked and excited about all the things I could do, even while being in a limited state. For example, in addition to my new self-care activities, I realized how much I loved writing blogs and articles. I honed my verbal cues and realized I could still teach complex asanas in classes, workshops, and online by using students to demonstrate poses rather than my own body. I found out how much I enjoyed helping other teachers with their career path, and began developing a co-led 200-hour teacher training. I also went through a couple more teacher trainings, deepened my knowledge in anatomy, learned more about yoga injury prevention, and have become interested in yoga balls and therapeutic classes.

The takeaway: Focus on what you CAN do, not what you can’t do.

4. Don’t Let Go Of Your Practice—Work With What You’ve Got. It can be easy to dwell on what your practice used to look and feel like pre-injury. Though your practice may temporarily or permanently altered, instead of focusing on what you can’t do, figure out what you can safely do now, even if it’s one pose, such as Legs-Up-the-Wall Pose (Viparita Karani) or a meditation practice.

Talk to your doctor or physical therapist and find out if there are any poses that may may reduce your pain or help heal your injury. For example, throughout my entire healing process, Viparita Karani has helped me reduce inflammation in my legs and hips and relax my pelvic floor muscles. Months after the initial injury, to help reduce pain, I added Downward-Facing Dog in wall ropes; a Reclining Hand-to-Big-Toe Pose (Supta Padangusthasana) variation in order to create space between the head of my femur bone and hip socket; and eventually Bridge Pose and one-legged Bridge Pose, to strengthen my gluteus and hamstring muscles, which tend to weaken when you have a hip injury.

Before doing any asana, ask yourself, “Is this pose going to help my injury, make it worse, or neither?” Don’t feel pressure to do any poses that aren’t going to support you getting better. Let your body be your guide. For poses that seem OK for you to do, be hypersensitive, take things slow, and be cautious when coming into a posture. Start with the most conservative variation of a pose and see how it feels before gradually going deeper. You might find the most conservative variation is the best variation for your body now and maybe even 10 years from now, and that’s OK. Its better to be safe than cause further harm to your body.

Let your yoga teacher know you are injured. If you have a minor injury, it might be OK for your teacher to adjust you during class. As for me, I don’t want anyone touching my body unless they are a medical professional. If there are poses offered in class that don’t seem best for you, find a couple of default poses that work for you. You can also ask your teacher for recommendations.

See also The 10 Rules of Hands-On Adjustments for Yoga Teachers

The takeaway: Let go of your ego. It’s important for you to let go of what you think a pose “should” look like. Don’t compare what your current practice looks like with what it used to look like, and don’t ever compare your practice with others.

5. Stay Positive About Your Future. Continue to Dream Big. In addition to focusing on what you can do now, keep your eyes on what you want to see manifest! One of the positive things my injury did was force me to slow down my hamster wheel and allow me to see that my wheel wasn’t rolling down the best, most sustainable path. It gave me a chance to rethink what I really wanted in life, both big and small. I asked myself, “What do I want? How do I want to feel?” I discovered that the majority of the things that I wanted either didn’t require having a fully mobile body, or by the time some of my wants manifested, I would have a more mobile body. For example, I wanted feelings of peace, abundance, and stability. I wanted more quiet time, and more time to see my family my friends. I wanted to help animals and build water wells. I wanted to spend more time in nature, go clothes shopping (it’s been years), get a Vitamix (I finally got one!), take a vacation at least once a year (it had been years!), and have my own house. I wanted to use my gifts and talents, both known and unknown, in the best ways. Teaching-wise, I decided I wanted to take a slightly different direction, but I listed many of the same desires I had pre-injury. I wanted to work more with Yoga Journal (which I’m doing!), teach more online classes, learn more about yoga injury prevention, teach at more national and international workshops and festivals, and lead teacher trainings.

The takeaway: Don’t waste any time on being bitter. Don’t let your injury limit you now or your future. Where the mind goes, the man (or woman) follows! You may find the same dreams you had pre-injury can still happen post-injury. Let your setbacks become your divine set-ups. Dream big.

Hear Laura’s story come to life and learn how she turned the fear and difficulty of injury into a catalyst for positive change on Yogaland Podcast.

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chocolate-brownies · 6 years

Text

5 Steps to Recover from an Injury, On and Off the Mat

5 Steps to Recover from an Injury, On and Off the Mat:

You may be experiencing an injury and all that comes with it, but you are not your injury. Here are 5 ways to recover mentally, physically, and emotionally.

See also 4 Ways to Build Hip Stability + Prevent Injury

5 Steps to Recover from an Injury, On and Off the Mat

1. Take Care of Your Injury, but Don’t Let Your Injury Take Over Your Life.

When dealing with an injury, obviously take good care of your body, avoid activities that make the injury worse, and be sure to get all the medical attention you need. If you know the healing process is going to take a long time, it’s important not to get your identity wrapped up with your injury. You are experiencing an injury, and all that comes with it, but you are not your injury. There is more to you and your life than this particular experience.

The takeaway: Constantly talking and thinking about your injury, or any negative situation or setback, gives it more power. Focus on the positive aspects of your life while taking steps to get well.

2. Prioritize Self-Care. Feel the Feels, but Don’t Get Stuck There.

Injuries not only take a toll on your body, they also do a number on you mental and emotional state, leaving you in a vulnerable place. The first few months post-injury, I experienced a lot of internal turmoil, anxiety, and depression. I questioned how I would be able to stand on my own two feet, literally and figuratively. I wondered how long would I be in this limited state, how would it affect my teaching and teaching career, what else could I do for work since I’d worked solely in the yoga world for well over a decade, and where would I live if I had to give up everything? The way I normally processed this type of anxiety would be by going for a walk or moving through an asana practice, but that wasn’t an option.

The takeaway: Figure out what makes you feel at ease and supported, and do it!

3. Rewire Your Thinking. Focus on What You Can Do Now.

Post-injury, it’s easy to dwell on not having the same range of motion you once had or not having the capability to safely get into your favorite yoga postures. These limitations may last weeks, years, or even a lifetime. It’s normal to experience frustration and grieve your new limitations. That being said, continuing to focus on what “used to be” is not going to serve you or anyone else. It’s important not to get your identity, or value, wrapped up with your physical range of motion or capability. Your “do” is not your “who.“ You are not your yoga practice. The asana practice is only a tool to help connect you to something deeper than the physical body. Also, let go of the misconception that being able to do complex asanas equates to being an advanced yoga practitioner.

In the same way holding onto your past doesn’t serve you, putting unrealistic expectations on what your practice “should” look like by an arbitrary date isn’t healthy. Our timeline and Mother Nature’s timelines don’t always line up. It’s important to respect your body instead of pushing yourself too hard, which can lead to further setbacks. I learned this all too well in the first couple of weeks after my injury by pushing myself too hard, making my injury 100 times worse. Even after making my injury worse, I planned to be back to my normal practice in four to six months, while no doctor, both then and now, has been able to give me a timeline as to when I’ll be back to “normal." Currently, I would be in a much better place and had an easier time healing had I backed off rather than pushed.

The takeaway: Focus on what you CAN do, not what you can’t do.

4. Don’t Let Go Of Your Practice—Work With What You’ve Got.

It can be easy to dwell on what your practice used to look and feel like pre-injury. Though your practice may temporarily or permanently altered, instead of focusing on what you can’t do, figure out what you can safely do now, even if it’s one pose, such as Legs-Up-the-Wall Pose (Viparita Karani) or a meditation practice.

Before doing any asana, ask yourself, "Is this pose going to help my injury, make it worse, or neither?” Don’t feel pressure to do any poses that aren’t going to support you getting better. Let your body be your guide. For poses that seem OK for you to do, be hypersensitive, take things slow, and be cautious when coming into a posture. Start with the most conservative variation of a pose and see how it feels before gradually going deeper. You might find the most conservative variation is the best variation for your body now and maybe even 10 years from now, and that’s OK. Its better to be safe than cause further harm to your body.

See also The 10 Rules of Hands-On Adjustments for Yoga Teachers

5. Stay Positive About Your Future. Continue to Dream Big.

In addition to focusing on what you can do now, keep your eyes on what you want to see manifest! One of the positive things my injury did was force me to slow down my hamster wheel and allow me to see that my wheel wasn’t rolling down the best, most sustainable path. It gave me a chance to rethink what I really wanted in life, both big and small. I asked myself, “What do I want? How do I want to feel?” I discovered that the majority of the things that I wanted either didn’t require having a fully mobile body, or by the time some of my wants manifested, I would have a more mobile body. For example, I wanted feelings of peace, abundance, and stability. I wanted more quiet time, and more time to see my family my friends. I wanted to help animals and build water wells. I wanted to spend more time in nature, go clothes shopping (it’s been years), get a Vitamix (I finally got one!), take a vacation at least once a year (it had been years!), and have my own house. I wanted to use my gifts and talents, both known and unknown, in the best ways. Teaching-wise, I decided I wanted to take a slightly different direction, but I listed many of the same desires I had pre-injury. I wanted to work more with Yoga Journal (which I’m doing!), teach more online classes, learn more about yoga injury prevention, teach at more national and international workshops and festivals, and lead teacher trainings.

Hear Laura’s story come to life and learn how she turned the fear and difficulty of injury into a catalyst for positive change on Yogaland Podcast.

0 notes