#then things should calm down again

[royalarchivist]

I love the QSMP. Not only has it introduced me to many amazing international creators, it's also introduced me to the French and Brazilian community, who are so sweet, funny, and chaotic in their own unique ways. I love seeing fans sharing their culture and learning from one another, and I myself have learned a lot this past year. I think it's incredible how QSMP brings so many different people together – all of us united in our love and passion for this project and its goals.

But passion can often evoke strong emotions, and these strong emotions aren't always positive.

The past few months, I have seen multiple waves of hate, bad-faith generalizations of communities, and racist remarks directed at fellow fans – especially those who are part of the French / Brazilian community. This kind of behavior is inexcusable, and is in direct conflict with the mission of QSMP, which is to break language barriers and unite communities.

We are a global community with a variety of people from different backgrounds. Miscommunications may occasionally occur because of cultural differences and/or language barriers, but we should use these moments as opportunities to learn and engage with other people rather than assuming the worst about them and starting fights.

Although certain issues can be resolved with communication, sometimes it’s better to block and move on. Avoid spreading negativity or hate, and save yourself the headache of interacting with people who are just looking for someone to argue with.

No matter what community we're a part of or what languages we speak, we're all here to have fun. Please remember to be kind to each other. We have more in common than we have in conflict.

#QSMP #mod talk #Additionally: we should avoid stereotyping entire communities for reasons I hope are obvious. #I think everything will work out in the end #I don't typically see this kind of stuff on here but I figured I'd post this anyways since I'm posting it to Twitter too #It's understandable that emotions are high because of everything that's happened to the QSMP community the past few months #but it's very sad to see fans attacking each other #everyone's a bit on edge it seems. I rarely use my personal Twitter but I opened it today and saw some close mutuals snapping at people #then after stepping away and calming down coming back to a conversation and apologizing #it's sad to see everyone in this state #So... comments from the peanut gallery I suppose. I do hope this helps someone though #I don't usually post things like this because frankly- #I don't think every single drama / controversy / whatever necessitates a public statement from every single member of the fandom #but I've been thinking a lot about this #Anyhoo. Hopefully I can start sharing clips again tomorrow. I've been moving the past week and life was hellish #hopefully things ease up a bit now

[ganondoodle]

im kinda glad i was a tiny child when windwaker came out and i only played it years later without having internet access for the longest time bc i would have NOT survived the hatred i know ww got when it first came out bc it wasnt what most people expected (ww is my fav zelda)

loving botw but not liking totk and seeing the vast majority praise the latter like its the holy grail while alot also discrediting and needlessly hating on botw for it is already making it hard to stay calm about :U

#ganondoodles talks #special interest go brrrr #sucks when you care so much about a piece of media thats out of your control and it does something you hate #i do not control the hyperfixation #it wouldnt be so bad if people wouldnt keep hating on botw just to praise totk more tbh #and before people say but arent YOU doing the same thing in reverse??? #welll ... its suppposedly a sequel yes? #direct sequels should build on the first title and totk does the opposite doesnt it? #again one of my biggest problems is that it was advertised and called a direct sequel qhen it really isnt #like at all #how some characters also made a weird turn in their personality it really does feel like it did a majoras mask thing without admitting to i #like majoras is GOOD #it was weird and kinda nonsensical but ultimately worked #can you imagine if totk just went with the whole other dimension thing properly and really went ham with it- #.... i am coming up with even more ideas for totk rewritten arent it.. #anyway i dont think im gonna get a collectors edition ever again given the risk of me not liking what its for #regret spending that kind of money on it after i calmed down my fears and in the end they turned out to be mostly right #;__;

[trainingdummyrabbit]

in conclusion the most poignant thing about ruina is its running theme of Imperfection. imperfection, focused not on its flaws, but on the miracle of it existing to begin with. imperfection not as a failing, but as a triumph. its cracked, broken, deeply in need of repair-- but it's real and its ours and it exists. despite everything it exists and that enough is a relief beyond words, beyond expression. to present a toppled structure not as a conclusion, but an opportunity.

its the choice-- and the joy-- of looking forward, unflinchingly, and facing it. one step at a time.

#piktalk #projmoon #didnt want to . make a bigger tagwall than i already made . ae if ur reading this uhhhhhh sorry <33 hai KSJNFD #anyway one of these days i might get th voice to really truly put down everything and what it means in regards to . [motions w hands] #but this ones just on my mind right now. something abt the presentation of ruina just fucking Kills and this is the big reason why #ilike. had to take a good couple hours after th finale to just simmer with it. because well.. #again. its imperfection. every other story has such stark; lined up beats and paths and Messages Youre Supposed To Take #which ive spoken on before-- and it isnt a bad thing necessarily! but it does really speak something; quietly; #for those whose development Isnt That Neat. that Isnt That Kind. to themself or to others. im no expert; but it really does mean something #that ruina is written in such a way where there is no 'this is wrong and heres how they fix it to be forgiven' #or 'this is right and what everyone should do to be a Good Person' #angela simply Is. roland simply Is. they all simply Are. they make choices; have hopes; dreams; things they care about-- #and theres no overarching echo of What Should Be. simply what people do; and what people hope for. #um. anyway. tag wall again; in conclusion: Why Dont You Go Listen To Poems Of A Machine And Maybe Then Youll Calm Down

[hermanunworthy]

i will NOT expect anything from hermie tomorrow. i will NOT get my hopes up as a hermie fan. (biweekly affirmations)

#slash lighthearted #but seriously i have found that having expectations for dndads episodes is pointless #bc it never ends up being what u expect #the fucking hermie x scary thing last episode?? NOT ON MY BINGO CARD THATS FOR SURE #atp i should just expect that hermie will get forgotten again and IF they get any screentime itll be a little surprise for me #besides any hermie screentime will just make me even sillier and i wont be able to calm down for ages #tomorrow is gonna be a scary/terri episode. i dont..... need..... (straining) to focus on an npc...... #my dndads listening experience would be sm easier if i wasnt mainly a hermie fan methinks lmao #hermie the unworthy #dndads #siren says

[worstloki]

prize for least genre aware protagonist 👑

#no because Thor trusted Loki so much and was oblivious and that's what made the whole thing a tragedy #but Thor was really out there like 'what do you MEAN Loki lied to me about Father's death and my banishment... let me try appealing to him' #except Thor's version of appeal is like a really really bad apology where the person doesn't want to admit they did anything #and also isn't convinced you're hurt #and Thor's SO SURE this plan will work because he knows his brother right #he knows Loki #and his plan which in accordance to him would have worked was to appeal to Loki's good side/the truth of who would be hurt #his plan was to do away with Loki's assumed anger by being like ''noooo don't do this here hit me instead <3'' #and he thought Loki wouldn't do it. #which means that before the whole plot shenanigans that would have worked and Loki also wouldn't have hit Thor #Loki watching Thor try to manipulate him by acting like his feelings are invalid the same way Frigga and Odin tried: nice try. thot. *wack* #so anyway Thor got hit and I think that's what u get for being soooooo sure that your little brother who u take for granted won't get hurt #by anything discouraging said or done or implied or being used by u for about him <3 #anyway the fact that Thor was SO sure that Loki was reacting badly and would calm down and be normal again is so sad actually #because it means Thor had the experience to know that's how it should have gone #which means when that's not what happened Thor also gets to be the one who has to work through processing that Loki's changed #and I don't think he DID that in the year where Loki was gone #he just neglected thinking about it until Loki was back and suddenly he couldn't pretend his brother had been the same (good) one at death #sad ironic something something character foils too late tragedy #Thor really went out there like i got this and got <beep>slapped fr fr #and then it happened again when he showed up for the Bifrost fight #Thor: i just have to wait it out. we all get angry. he'll get better #Loki: [screaming crying raging shrieking trying to kill him] #Thor: HE'LL GET BETTER #the fact that Thor doesn't expect the lies or the hitting or the unreasonable attitude even when Loki is VERY angry.......... ;-; #Thor watched his brother deteriorate in real time

[infinitelytheheartexpands]

all i’m saying is that i have managed to get through this opera bracket rooting and advocating for my faves without threatening to harm myself or others over how people vote/the results.

if i can do it, so can and should you!

#opera #opera tag #opera bracket #but seriously. do some of y’all realize how you sound #i’m sorry but as someone who has dealt with her share of mental health issues it’s not only not funny but also genuinely hurtful #this is absolutely ridiculous. #and once again: for the love of everything holy no one is a better or worse person solely based on what operas they prefer/think are better #everyone pls just calm the FUCK down. #these are real humans behind the urls! and we all love opera! and that should be a good thing! #sorry everyone i am genuinely upset about this

[spider-man-2o99]

the current lplan is to see ATSV this weekend because of drs appts eating up my thursday and friday (fucking exhausting) so Remember everybody remember it’s only canon if i like it . if mig’s Only Goddamn Movie writes him bad then it IMMEDIATELY is getting thrown in the fucking massive heap of spider-man media that Also Features A Shitty Adaption Of Spider-Man 2099 In It! and i will just sit in the theater crying painful quiet devastated tears in my seat and Frown whenever his scenes come up if so need be. but. if it’s Good my autism will b Fed for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever i think

#talking tag #atsv #spider-man 2099 #spiderman 2099 #miguel o'hara #kind of unrelated but. like. the more i really Think abt it the more i just Dont Like that migs design IS so Huge and scary actually. #i dont think Miguel should ever Loom. i think he /tries/ to loom and if he is standing on a wall above people’s /heads/ it works. #but. like. Miguel Just Standing There In His Costume should just be like an unnervingly Quiet guy yknow. #it’s SO EASY to mess up miguel’s character he has SUCH a distinct and memorable characterization in th comics that Not Doing Ur Homework— #—SHOWS y’know. and a Movie can only Show So Much while JUGGLING as much as atsv appears 2 be juggling #(long long sigh) not Once have we gotten a story where miguel and A modern spider-man got to. like. just HANG OUT. and Talk to each other. #is it really so much 2 ask for the spider-mans 2 just Talk Abt How Things Change & Don’t. i like it when mig shows vulnerability by bein Emo #idk there is Still Time perhaps i will be proven Very Very Wrong in my Many Worries and things will be fine :)) #but. GOD. there are So Many Ways 2 bungle mig. and i dont want to have 2 Wait Seven Years for ppl to calm down again not again

[spaceshipkat]

i kinda hope we’ll get a moment in season 2 when Stede asks Ed if he wants to do something weird (whether or not Ed agrees probably depends on the episode in which Stede asks this)

#or hell maybe it’ll be an ongoing thing as the series progresses #Stede asking Ed if he wants to do something weird #and we’ll see Ed angrily say no to the first time only for it to get less and less angry as the series progresses #and then gradually it’ll stop being angry and more wary #and then from wary to sad #and then sad to hopeful like he’s not quite sure if he should still say no bc what if this time is the last time Stede asks it #but Stede keeps asking until finally Ed says yes and is fully enthusiastic about it #and Ed finds himself a little worried afterward that Stede will stop asking him altogether #and some time passes and Stede doesn’t ask even though they’re really good together rn—nothing to complain about #Stede has been forgiven and they’re sharing a bed and kissing and fucking #but Ed still wishes he could hear Stede ask him if he wants to do something weird again #and then finally Stede does and Ed starts to cry and Stede’s all confused but he just wraps Ed up and kisses him #and then when Ed calms down Stede asks him if he still wants to do something weird #and ofc Ed says yes #and then they go blow up parliament or something idk #our flag means death #blackbonnet #ofmd #ofmd s2 #ofmd season 2

[aropride]

one thing i just do not fucking get is the difference between "regulating emotions" and "suppressing emotions" i cannot get my head around how those are different. like if im sad and then i go "well im not going to be sad anymore" that's "dissociating" and "suppressing healthy emotions" but if im sad and im like "well im going to cry until i actually pass out" that's "not healthy" and it's BAD to suppress emotions but it's ALSO BAD to get super upset so WHAT IS THE SECRET THIRD THING cuz i do not fucking get it. "feel your feelings But not that way that's not healthy feel your feelings but less than that" ???????

#text #IT'S DRIVING ME UP A WALL IVE BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT FOR MOTNHS #LIKE????? is it like. like is this a me problem is this just me having feelings that are too big #like do other people just.. like for other people does 'feel your feelings' just mean like. feel sad for a while and then stop. cuz i cant #do that i dont get normal sad i get chest pain and think about killing my self for hours on end .is that the problem #like okay if i trip down the stairs and break my leg. im going to cry and go to the hospital. suppressing that would be just using my #broken leg anyway and ignoring it. would regulating it not also be Crying and going to the hospital. would regulating it be like.. putting #a bandaid on it or something is it like.. a middle ground . i do not fucking get it #like okay if i trip down the stairs and i scrape my knee and then i call an ambulance i see how thats not the right response . and i guess #regulating there would be like. calming down thinking things thru and choosing a less drastic solution like a bandaid. i get it #in that situation. but if ive ACTUALLY BROKEN MY LEG. then that would just be the first thing again essentially #but when i put that back into. real world not metaphor world. like. i dont get it again #because if theres not like. an obvious reason for however i feel how am i supposed to judge if im calling an ambulance for a scraped knee #ALSO I THOUGHT THERE 'ARENT ANY WRONG EMOTIONS' WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT -_- #okay no okay it's like. if i trip down the stairs and i skin my knee i dont have to call an ambulance. but if several times a day i fall d #down the stairs and skin my knee in that exact spot and now i can see bone. SHOULD I NOT CALL AN AMBULANCE? #cuz its not just one thing thats upsetting me most of the time it's a combination of a bunch of things and then like one extra upsetting #thing added on top of that. which would necessitate an ambulance. does this make sense #THIS IS GETTING ME NOWHERE IM STILL JUST AS CONFUSED AS I WAS BEFORE I STARTED TYPING. i need 2 remember 2 ask my therapist #what the fuck ''feel your feelings'' means and how it can coexist with ''regulating feelings'' or whatever cuz i feel like im missing smth #NIK OUT ! PEACE ! ✌️

[voiceshearingyouloud]

Being abused by a parent fucks with your head so badly. My mum has been acting especially horribly recently, like she straight up said to me ‘I just don’t know how to parent you, and I think I never did’. It’s funny to me because that sounds normal to be cause like. Yeah she really doesn’t, but I’ve told it to people and they tell me it’s not something a mother usually tells a child. Right before that I told her that it hurt me that she had told me she was divorcing my dad and then changed her mind and didn’t see why it would have freaked me out that she said that, and now I have to keep the secret from my dad. But after I told her I was upset by her actions, she just sat in silence for five minutes straight, not saying a word or making any facial expression just dead on not acknowledging I’d said anything.

It boggles my mind that she wouldn’t even say ‘it was an accident, I didn’t mean to hurt you’ or something, anything other than silence even if she doesn’t want to apologise. Thinking about this has my brain split because part of me is like this is normal, of course she acts like this, and the other part can feel something crumbling in my brain trying to reconcile it with how a parent is meant to act. Idk, this isn’t really a coherent post.

I’m really not killing it since that happened, I’m staying with a friend for a few days so I don’t have to see her (or my dad, who said ‘she’s got a lot going on right now’ and ‘you deserve better answers than we can give you’ when I told him). It’s helping a bit to keep me a little less wired, but I switch between being totally numb about everything to falling to pieces and crying for an hour when I think about it.

#it hurts that I really thought things were better and would stay better #my ptsd has calmed down enough that I could be around her and talk about mundane stuff without getting triggered #and there’s some part of me that for some reason is so determined to have a good relationship with her #so it hurts especially that even after trying things are exactly the same #but my partner reminded me that this is how abuse works; that you get out and think things are better and they’ve changed and you still lov #them so you try again but of course they haven’t changed. #so I’m trying not to blame myself for coming and living with them again #but it’s hard #anyway. I should tag this with something lol #anne speaks #child abuse tw

[dandyshucks]

need Guz to hug me tightly for like an hour solid oh my god dhdjdkl I went driving for the first time in over a year and I chewed my lip raw 😭😭

I'm starting to look like a caricature of Anxiety with all these physical symptoms and signs LMAO

#this is so ridiculous fhfjdkdl #i do not like driving fjdkdl i know i should not be on the roads #but unfortunately i have to bc i live rural and also my parents insist i ''just need more practice'' #practice is not going to fix the dissociation 😭😭 practice will not fix the Other Drivers being shitty and scary and reckless fjfkdl #it might make it slightly easier bc i wont have to think as hard about shoulder and mirror checks and roadsigns and speed limits #and where i am located on the road and intersection rules and whatnot #but like... it does not fix that i live in a town (and world lol) where ppl are fucking bonkers on the road #i had someone riding my ass for like a full five minutes. we had only two feet btwn us. MAYBE. IF THAT MUCH. #he was BIG mad that i was going the speed limit #and THERES A POLICE STATION LIKE RIGHT NEAR THAT AREA MY GUY IM NOT GONNA GO OVER THE SPEED LIMIT RIGHT THERE LMAO ???? #also im a rule follower usually so i do tend to go Exactly the speed limit fjfkdl #and maaannn that makes people SO fucking angry dhfjdl its impossible to drive Anywhere without having someone right on ur bumper #its so ridiculous like... that's not helping anyone ??? ur not getting to ur destination faster by riding up on somebodys ass ???? hewwo ??? #ANYWAYS. i drove around the neighborhood and then went up the highway and thru some intersections and then into the main core of town #and then i got my dad to take over from there bc it was lunch hour and the core of town is a lawless land at the best of times #MY NERVES ARE FRIED. i need Guz to act as a weighted blanket or one of those pressure therapy vests for me LOL #im like... shaking fhdjsl that was far more than i thought we were going to do for driving today good lord #IM OKAY THOUGH I SURVIVED I DIDNT EVEN HIT A CURB OR ANYTHING #i think I've only hit a curb once so far in all my times driving and that was on my second time driving on a road i think #so pretty good track record... im a very careful driver fjdkdl i work so hard to be safe and drive smoothly #during my driving test the only thing the test guy had to critique was that i waited at an intersection when i could've gone #but the reason i waited was bc i wasnt sure i could make it across the traffic lane before the oncoming vehicle got to us #so it was like. a safe decision overall but a little too hesitant which can actually be unsafe fjdkdl #AUGH ANYWAYS SORRY FOR RAMBLING SM #driving stresses me out so bad and my lip is all raw now and i have so many physical stress symptoms the past few days fhfjdl #after tonight i should be able to calm down a bit hopefully fhfkdl theres a thing we're going to tonight thats been stressing me out so bad #but after tonight it'll be over and hopefully I can get myself settled down again fjfjdkl #dandy.cmd #vent //

[notorioushiphopcrew]

also i sent an email i kind of regretted. but also feeling that a large part of that was formed by the very intense emotional state i was in where i was experiencing crazy anxiety and doubts and shame about the way i acted and i felt like everything i wrote in that email was so terrible and also i felt so emotional and so ashamed of it and so sure everyone who knew it woild judge me and know how irrational i am and i could tell logically it probably wouldnt be a big deal but couldnt feel it and like. i feel a bit awkward now but ive fully calmed down and honestly? it was kind of fine actually. its just been a while since ive been UP THERE in that kind of state and i guess it kind of does give you perspective on how your emotional state really affects you so deeply and your perception of things. and like yeah i might retract a few things or be like "eh not mt best move" on some things but realising overall it doesnt matter and i can FEEL that. it is really crazy how many problems exist in your head and you can understand logically its not rational but you just have to bear it for a bit

#but thankfully i calmed down #but damn its been a while since ive been like that #wondering if this also ties into experiences in fhe past and fears about not being taken seriously or being seen as overly emotional #for no reason #that definitely played a big part in things #idk why im oversharing on the internet just felt like maybe i should start postinf all my random thoughts #and experiencing a bit of emotional clarity like after you reach a more balanced state ans go “damn i was strugglin” #but yeah.... #ig my fear and anxiety really was #that i would be seen as so overly emotional and illogical and i wouldnt be taken seriously #and also in addition #the fear about thinking i have not communicated well how others acted torwards me and unneccessarily painting them as villians and using #language that was emotional to describe their actions #and my emotions were so strong i couldnt even handle to remember what i had wrote #but honestly i set clear boundaries and have explained my side of the story and although i dont know if i expressed myself perfectly #yes others did upset me and in my opinion act badly no i dont think its a long term issue and yes i will be taking distance from that happe #ing again #sometimes writing down your thoughts really makes them properly observable to you for the first time #and i am thinking about this writing this post

[thethingything]

I'm fatigued, my back hurts, I accidentally spent like 3 hours sat downstairs in a chair that made our back feel worse because our executive dysfunction prevented me getting up and going back upstairs even though I only went down there to get one thing, and now I really need to lay down but if I accidentally fall asleep again I feel like I'll wake up, realise I fell asleep and also that I feel like I wasted a big chunk of the day, and I'll end up feeling even worse again

#personal #thoughts #🍬 post #vent post #posts made on pain meds #I went downstairs to get food but ended up having to wait longer than anticipated which is whatever #but then that meant I ended up sitting down and once we sit down it's like our brain stops being able to process that we can leave #I'll sit there the whole time going ''I need to get up and go back upstairs. I don't want to be sat here'' and just can't get up #I hate that this happens because while I know our executive dysfunction isn't our fault #and it's the exact same issue that stops us eating or drinking or going to the toilet or whatever when we need to #I still feel like I should be able to just get up and do the thing and just leave if I'm in a situation that I don't want to be in #and it's so hard to get other people to understand that I can't ''just leave'' because my brain just won't let that happen #like I want to but my brain won't register it as an actual thing I can do and it feels more like a weird abstract concept #than a thing I could actually do. it's like my brain can't connect the concept of the action to the act of doing it #and then I get frustrated because why can't I just do the thing that I know I should be able to do #and then I've spent hours not doing anything I meant to and mostly just feel like shit because of it and it keeps happening #and now I need to lay down and I know what's likely to happen if I do that #but I do need to listen to my body especially after getting stuck in a situation that makes our pain and fatigue worse #also we had to take pain meds earlier and that's definitely not helping with us feeling shit emotionally about all this #I hate having to navigate our brain and body just not functioning properly #I feel like we've had so little energy lately and it's reminding me too much of this time last year when we had that blood infection #I'm terrified of that happening again because we almost didn't get treatment because we started to assume it was just our new baseline #hmm apparently within like 5 minutes we've gone from ''ugh I wasted 3 hours'' to almost crying over medical trauma #I probably need to try and do something to calm us down but also I'm too tired to really do anything #which brings me right back to the issue that triggered this whole rant and me getting upset in the first place

[mokutone]

@reverseforgoodluckxx replied to a post:

I'm also watching through Shippuden, it's fun to see other people's thoughts on it! Yamato has gone full PROTECC towards Naruto - he got over that "If you can't continue on, we gotta leave you behind" stuff from the Bridge Arc REAL fast 😂

GHSDHGDHG THATS HOW I FELT!

to be fair to yamato though, that mission was a mission regardless of naruto's participation, like. even if naruto died or was incapacitated whatever they would still have to go to the bridge to meet kabuto

right now, naruto IS yamato's mission. like, the 9tails is so unstable rn that his whole purpose accompanying naruto on this mission when he is ALSO kinda needed to rebuild Konoha—is that if he steps away and naruto loses control, (without his special dadmagic seal jutsu to help) there will be hell to pay. he kind of can't leave naruto alone rn, because the mokuton is the only thing keeping the fox in check aside from narutos incredibly fragile emotional state

#yamswers #reverseforgoodluckxx #i wonder if thats why he's so hyperresponsive to how absolutely shitty things are going for naruto rn...? #like overall he obviously cares for the kids and mokuton and 9tails aside i think naruto is definitely his favorite #but actually i think he's more like doubled down on the ''if you can't continue on we gotta leave you behind'' #except this time the ''you'' is him AND naruto. #i think hes THIS close 2 begging naruto 2 take a break and get a good nights sleep. mayb put naruto in the box again if naruto refuses #in my watch last night he was like ''naruto and i should Head Home.'' and kakashi was like #´´yes. definitely. as her sensei i will go confront sakura confronting sasuke'' #so im suuuuuuuuuuuure that THATS going to work out well. #ALSO NARUTO HAD A PANIC ATTACK SO BAD HE PASSED OUT!!! #and kakashi was like yelling at him ''NARUTO CALM DOWN!'' ''Naruto you need to slow your breathing!'' #so fucking funny. dude. #yamato wasn't much help either he was just like ''He's hyperventilating!'' yeah man we can all see and hear that #incredibly funny choice to have them both react like theyve never seen somebody have a panic attack ever

[realcowboysdrinkjuice]

barely anyone follows me so this will get zero notes but i do not care i am so excited and need to share this somewhere

I GOT MY FIRST COLLEGE ACCEPTANCE LETTER!!!!! FOR THE UK!!!!! SO NO MATTER WHAT THE OTHERS SAY I HAVE A YES!!! AND IM SO EXCITED HOLY SHIT!!!! ITS ALL I WANTED!!!!!!

and i was so fucking scared especially with covid making my gap year long and making everything scarier but i did it and no matter what happens i have a place to go and things are finally moving forward again and holy fuvk i’m going to study illustration overseas like i wanted to before shit went BAD because OOF CLASS OF 2021 NOT A GOOD YEAR especially not a good year in the united states of america where they didnt do jack all to try and prevent it DEAR GOD !!!! bUT OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

usually i’d yell to my family but everyone is asleep oops because it’s almost 6 am my sleep schedule is WRECKED RN so nobody is awake and i did. text anyway cause it was big enough to do it anyways but i was still just yelling into the void so i’m yelling into the void here too

#anyway that’s all now i’ll go back to not making my own posts ever #my post #i’m so fucking happy i opened my email cause ever since i applied in june i developed a subconscious habit of just opening my email and #refreshing it whenever i run out of things to do #so i just occasionally idly refresh my inbox without even thinking #and i did the same like thirty minutes ago not expecting anything cause i wasn’t even thinking #and i was like huh. an email from zoom. that’s annoying and oH MY GOD WHAT IS UNDERNEATH IT #but i know it’s imposter syndrome but i was genuinely so fucking terrified id get five nos and be stuck #because you can’t apply again on the website till the next school year #so if i got five nos i genuinely wouldn’t be able to apply again for the full year #and i already will be 21 when i start which feels fucked even though i know logically that’s okay like calm down aging isn’t bad it’s okay #it’s okay and it’s understandable there was a fucking pandemic ofc the gap year went off #still wild that my sister started college a year before me cause it’s her first year this year and my first will be next year #but yeah #but i know it was the imposter syndrome but i was still so fuckin scared #so getting my first response and it being a yes genuinely brought me to tears #i should have kept writing the post this is all just the same flavor as the post was just in the tags instead

[sanchoyo]

i start that new job tomorrow 😶 ...

#... im not sure if itll be a full day or just 'more paperwork/general tour/training' tho kinda hopin for maybe like a half day TwT;; #im very nervous and considering taking one of the old anxiety meds i still have #from when i was in therapy. except idk if theyre still in date + they made me feel like a zombie which is why i stopped taking them lol #like i was SO out of it on them. but would that be preferable 2 the feeling of Soon Entering Cardiac Arrest levels of anxiety im having rn? #maybe... #+ going to take a sleeping pill around 10 to make sure i dont stay up all night freaking myself out #jkdkjfhjjk can my brain be normal about this. i havent even started the job yet calm down!!! calm down!!! its ok!!!! #i just feel so bad bc everyone has been rly nice. like 'omg yay u found a chill job w insurance RIGHT before u get kicked off urs thats #great ik youll do well!!' and its like well what if i DONT do well what if i freak out again. and self sabotage. then what. like i KNOW #its bad and i KNOW what i SHOULD be doing but its like herding geese over here in my brain zone. painful and bad and i dont understand why #things happen at all its confusing and frustrating to deal with #logically i know i need a job. i need to pay my debts and start saving and I WANT to move out! but its like that fine dining and breathing #scene from spongebob. brain on fire. lol #sanchoyorambles