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kookslastbutton · 11 months

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Too Late to Dream ༓ jjk (m)┃ch. V

✑ Summary: You did it. You married your college professor. You even bought a house together. Against all odds, everything had fallen into place. But after two years of marriage, you begin feeling something was missing. You want a baby but your husband can’t say the same.

Pairing: economics professor!jungkook x fem!artist!reader

AU/Genre: angst, smut, fluff, marriage au, age gap, series

Rating: M, 18+

Word Count: 3,342

Warnings: 8-year age gap, mentions of professor-student relationship (oc was a Masters student), jk has milk obsession, oc injured, both lonely :(, mommy issues, lots of family drama/in-laws, fighting, pent-up issues/desires, jk has daddy issues, jk being good hubby to oc

Now Playing: Make It Right, Tryna Be, Infinity, It Will Rain, Heaven+

A/N: I've heard the requests and I think it's time to fulfill them–how did they get together?! Yes, it's here and I'm excited to finally share! Also, yes this took up whole chapter so a tiny break from present-day stuff but we'll be back at it next chapter. 💞

<< ch. IV ༓ ch. Vl >> | series masterlist

Before marrying you, Jungkook had the same routine. He got up, showered, brushed his teeth, put work clothes on, grabbed breakfast, and ran out the door with twenty minutes to spare. Trying to find a parking spot at 7 a.m. at the university was no joke and he had to leave early or some college kid would take the last spot and not think twice.

His night routine was similar. Jungkook finished the day between 5 and 6 pm, slowly regretting he ever agreed to teach evening classes. He’d kick off his shoes, eat dinner, grade some of his student’s papers if needed, brush his teeth again, and went to bed.

It was a constant cycle and with no one around, not even a pet, Jungkook’s life was fairly quiet and systematic. Sometimes his buddies would come over on the weekend for a couple of hours and that surely rocked his world.

But that wouldn’t happen often during the school season due to his ridiculously packed teaching schedule. The most recent person he’d hang around during those months was Taehyung and if he wasn’t free, Jungkook would spend his time at the grocery store–stocking up on milk.

4 years ago

“That was two weeks ago man,” Jungkook says, pushing a cart with five-gallon jugs of milk to his car. He’s on the phone with Taehyung who's reminiscing about the grand opening of the new art exhibit and how “lovely” it was to meet you there.

Jungkook doesn’t need reminding though.

He clearly remembers seeing you there and Taehyung happily making a complete fool of him once he found out who you were. Thankfully you hadn’t seemed to mind too much since you and Taehyung soon moved on to discuss various art theories, masterpieces, and underrepresented artists.

“You didn't have to stay y'know.” If Jungkook didn't know any better he'd think Taehyung was salty. "You could've left at 8 pm like you planned. __ and I would have been fine."

Jungkook winces hearing the man's argument. He did think about going home at 8, but it unsettled him to leave you alone with Taehyung. His colleague was enjoying himself a little too much that night and there’s no telling what he’d do or say when he’s overly comfortable.

Jungkook had to stay until you left.

"Are you kidding me? Leaving you unsupervised would've been the worst idea after all your endless blubbering." Jungkook pops the trunk of his car, stuffing the jugs of milk inside. "God knows what you'd scar __ with."

On the other line, Taehyung smirks through the speaker. "No, that's not it......you weren't going to leave me alone with a woman, an attractive one at that."

Jungkook grabs the last jug of milk, slamming it on the floorboard. "Student, and stop talking about her like that. She's my stu—"

"Say student one more time and I'm going to take all your milk and give it to Yoongi hyung's cats."

"I swear to god, Taehyung, if you touch my milk I'm never going to another art museum or wine tasting with you again." Jungkook is very protective of his dairy products.

"That's okay. I don't need you when __ says she'll be happy to go with me sometime." Smug bastard, Jungkook thinks. There's no way you said that.

"That's bull Taehy—"

"Look she's in her masters and is literally eight years younger than you. It's not that serious so stop acting like she's fresh out of high school. Besides, you said it yourself, she's not a child."

Jungkook grunts, shoving the cart into the others. "She's a young lady who happens to be enrolled in the school. As faculty, we have no business thinking or talking about her outside those terms."

"For fucksake, Kook. You always make things so complicated!" Taehyung's baritone voice cracks through the speaker. "I'm just trying to get you to admit that you're into her some way or another. How many other students have I stayed to talk to and you couldn't give a—"

Just then a loud, high-pitch screech interrupts the call. Jungkook whips his head around immediately. He doesn't spot anything at first but a string of profanities remains audible in the distance.

"Jungkook, are you okay?"

"Yeah, but someones screaming and I can't tell where it's coming from." Jungkook walks around the grocery parking lot, eyes darting left and right. "Oh shit!"

There, near the bus stop, you lay on your side with your right leg stretched out and blood running from your temple. You try getting up but you fall right back down, cursing sharply.

"Taehyung I gotta go, it's __. I don't know what happened but she's laying by the bus stop and I think she needs help!" Jungkook shuts his phone and races to where you lay. He kneels next to you with sheer horror on his face. "__, what happened? What can I do?"

"Damn college boys, Dr. Jeon," you spit, dragging your leg up as far as you can. You reach for your bag which had flung about a foot away when you crashed. "So fucking eager to get off the bus and—oh damn that hurts like a bitch!"

"What hurts?" Jungkook lunges forward to catch your torso from slamming on the hard concrete. "Stay still okay? We need to get you to the hospital."

"I'm all set, but thanks. It'll likely heal in a day."

Jungkook shakes his head and wraps an arm under your back and legs. "Can you put your arms around my neck?"

"Dr. Jeon, I appreciate what you're doing but I don't want to go to the hospital. Please."

You're serious. No trace of bluffing or even simply trying to act tough. You really don't want to go.

"You need to be checked by a doctor sweetheart," Jungkook insists. "Whatever happened has made it so you can't walk. C'mon, my car is nearby and I'll drive you over."

"No, wait!" He feels you push against his chest.

"__. I'm not leaving you without making sure you didn't break a bone or something. I don't want to make things worse but you don't look so hot right now. So please, let me take you." Jungkook lifts you up when you give a barely consenting yes.

"You sprained your ankle pretty bad hun." Dr. Kim Seokjin draws your attention to the X-ray scan. "Second degree." He points to the visual of your partially torn ligament. "There's going to be a lot of swelling so you're gonna need to stay off your foot for at least 4 weeks."

"Do I have to stay here?" is your first question.

"For the first couple of weeks, we strongly advise—yes." Dr. Kim moves on to the next X-ray scan. "You also cracked a rib which will also take about 4 weeks to heal, or more. Of course you're head has suffered a mild concussion as well but it's very mild thankfully." Dr. Kim catches sight of Jungkook next to you, staring at the scans. "You're wife's going to be okay," he says mid-diagnoses.

"We're not—" you start to say but Dr. Kim continues talking.

"Wife, girlfriend, lover, what have you. The point is, much of what we have here will recover with a month of rest, ice, and elevation." He takes a pen from his pocket and starts jotting down something on paper. "I recommend two weeks here for moderation purposes. If things look good, you finish the healing at home. Still, be careful though, no funny business."

The blank looks on both your faces tell Dr. Kim he wasn't clear enough. "Yah, my filters going to die with you two doe-eyed deer. No funny business means no sex!"

"Oh god!" You outburst, mortified by the thought. Jungkook whips his head to your slack-jawed expression. "Dr. Kim, it's not like that between us."

The older man suddenly zeros in on your professor, eyes narrowing slightly. "What's the matter son? Having trouble getting it up?"

Jungkook jolts in his seat, startled by the crass response. "I—no, what? There's nothing wrong with my—"

"We're not together!" You shout before Jungkook's sentence finishes. "We're friends." Saying that your professor brought you here sounded a little odd for some reason, especially when Dr. Kim was already convinced you two were a thing.

"Mhm sure, heard the same thing from my wife before we went off and eloped." Dr. Kim treads to the door. If he has a dime for how many times he's heard that "we're friends" bs he'd be...well, he's already rich so never mind. "Let's move on to something more productive now, like getting __ settled in a room. The sooner she starts the healing process, the sooner she can be good as new again."

"Thank you Dr. Kim," Jungkook says, slowly standing up to stroll you and your wheelchair out of the room. You didn't like it but the nurses insisted you be in one to keep pressure off your muscles.

"Yeah yeah." Dr. Kim waves him off. "Just remember what I said, no funny business. Especially here at the hospital. You don't know how many times I've heard the nurses catching their patients on top of one another at 2 am in the morning. That better not be you two, whoever you are to each other."

"Yes, doctor." You both reply, thankful of the fact that neither of you are in any position to be looking at each other.

"Is there any way I can be here for less than two weeks?" Jungkook watches as you plead with the nurse. It worries him that you're still anxious to avoid medical attention.

"I'm afraid not," the nurse says simply. "If you need anything, press the call button and I'll be in as soon as I can."

Once the nurse leaves, Jungkook pulls up a chair next to your bed. "Stupid question but how are you feeling?"

"I'm in an ankle brace, my rib burns, and my head is still dizzy. I'm trapped in the hospital for two weeks and all because a bunch of nineteen-year-old boys couldn't wait to hit up some frat party," you groan, not bearing in mind your tongue. "I'm sorry for dragging you into this Dr. Jeon."

"You didn't drag me into anything __. I'm glad I was there when this happened and I'm even more glad that you're here, getting help." Jungkook clears his throat before continuing. "Even if it isn't ideal for you."

You ignore the subtle pry for information. "Please, Dr. Jeon. You don't have to stay any longer. It's the weekend and I'm sure you have plans."

Jungkook gives a faint smile. "So, you're saying this is none of my business?"

"No, not—not at all. I mean if you want to stay then I guess you can but I don't want you to feel obligated or anything."

"I want to be here," Jungkook says simply. "But you know that's not what I meant. I'd like to know why it bothers you when anyone tries to help you...if I may."

"Just habit," you mumble quickly, averting eye-contact. It's not your professor's job to bear the weight of your problems.

Jungkook nods in reply, pretending you gave a satisfactory explanation. He wishes you'd tell him but if you didn't want to share more then that was your choice —he wasn't going to force you. "I understand." He grabs his phone from his pocket and rests his elbows on his knees. "Are you hungry?"

"Huh?" You look back at him, his question going right over your head.

"I asked if you're hungry. It's about dinner time so I can get you something if you want. I also have a bunch of milk in my trunk that needs to get to a fridge. But I can place the order now and pick it up in my way back here."

"Milk in your trunk?" Is the only words you repeat, dumbfounded. "Like chocolate milk or...?"

"Nah, Whole Milk." Jungkook grins at your scrunched up face. You try to hide it but not very well. "Don't look so disgusted. Milk is good for you."

"Yeah when you're ten years old."

"On the contrary!" You flinch when his voice rises, along with his eyebrows. "Milk has a lot of health benefits as adults. It has thirteen essential nutrients and helps maintain muscle and bone strength. I drink at least two full glasses a day, if not more."

"I'm sorry but that's nasty." You shudder at the thought of drinking milk in your twenties let alone your thirties. "You really enjoy it? The taste?"

"Yup, always have since a baby! Loved it so much that my mother-" You raise an eyebrow to which he abruptly switches topics. "Anyway, do you want me to pick you up something or no?"

You giggle, a little uncomfortable with whatever he was about to disclose to you.

"That's okay, no thanks."

"You sure? Otherwise I'm gonna be eating in front of you." Jungkook knows how this sounds — he's trying to force you to eat. But the truth is, he just doesn't want to eat by himself tonight. He also doesn't want to leave you alone this early, especially when you obviously detest being here, for whatever reason.

"I'm sure," you say. "But...if you want to come back you can. Not like I have anything to do anyway."

"Good then." Pleased, Jungkook opens up his phone contacts. "Give me you're number in case you change your mind while I'm out."

Over the next couple of weeks, Jungkook continues to stay by your side. He leaves to teach his classes of course and to go home late at night, but he stops by every day—hours at a time.

You keep insisting that he not come so much but he always makes the same excuses. "I just brought food" or "You're on my way home from the university". Sometimes he brings in class notes too.

Due to your current predicament, you're missing a lot of content so Jungkook thinks it best to go over key principles with you and takeaways from his lectures. He says it's his duty as a professor–never minding the fact that many of his other students are in a predicament of their own yet he’s not bothering to do jack for them.

"Look Dr. Jeon, I appreciate what you're doing but you really don't have to. I'll be perfectly alright to catch myself up from the textbook and study guides. You don't have to keep stopping by." You try again but Jungkook keeps his wall just as strong as yours.

"I know I don't have to __. I know that I could leave right now, take all these lecture notes home with me, and not feel guilty about a thing. But I told you I was going to be here and I'm going to keep to that no matter how many times you urge me to leave. I also want you to call me Jungkook outside class but have you allowed for any of those to happen?" Jungkook tosses the folder of notes in his sachel, a loud thump following. "A simple thank you would suffice."

"I am grateful, I really am. But I never asked to be given so much of your time. I feel bad because maybe you're just one of those overly nice people who feel it's their duty to stick around or what not when someone's in trouble. I don't need to be pitied over! Also, you said I could keep calling you the usual, so Dr. Jeon it will remain!" Why you're raising your voice, you don't know but it's happening either way.

"Yeah I did," Jungkook quips, matching your tone. "But after the last, nearly two weeks I think we ought to be on a first-name basis! And I'm in no way pitying you okay? I'm here because I care dammit! I don't want you to be alone and I don't want you to be behind in getting your Masters. So I' try to be be here every day for at least fifteen minutes if not more!"

You don't fully process what he says so you reply to what you remember most. "Why? Why can't I call you Dr. Jeon? It's been that way from the start, twice every week. So why do I need to call you Jungkook all a sudden?!"

"Because it makes me feel younger, you insulted my milk after I first took you to the hospital, we've been eating dinner almost every night since your injury, you told me about your childhood cat named Mr. Muttonbottom, and you just called me by my first name so there are no take backs! Now, if you're done making a fit, do you want bibimbap or jajangmyeon for dinner tonight?!"

What the actual hell? You cease your arguing at once, hearing your professor, or excuse you, Jungkook, all fluffed up. Obviously, you're not the only one high-strung over being stuck in the same routine day in, day out.

"Jajangmyeon...please," you mutter.

"Thank fuck," he swears. Yeah that's new too.

"Sorry for getting mad earlier." You mumble the words as soon as Jungkook returns with the food. "It just feels odd that you've been here all the time...you're my professor."

Jungkook mauls over your choice of words, stiffening ever so slightly. "Well, I'd like to think we're sorta friends now but alright. Does this actually bother you __? I don't mean to make you uncomfortable, you know that." He places the bag of take-out on the small desk near your bed.

"No, it's doesn't bother me." you just don't know how to react or what to say besides a measly thank you. More so, you don't want to make someone feel responsible for you...you should take care of your own shit without bringing others with you. It's not the best mindset, you're aware, but its the one you have.

"Okay good because to be completely transparent, I'm sorta here for me too. I live my myself, eat by myself, talk to myself....I do most things alone so it's nice having someone else to be around." He's not sure where to set his eyes, so he looks downward, fumbling with the napkins in front of him. "I'm making this awkward, sorry."

Feeling the strange need to offer comfort, you stretch a hand over Jungkook's arm. "I get it. It's nice having someone around too."

You and Jungkook hold each other's gaze for a few seconds more, letting the brief silence do the rest of the talking. Maybe you've been looking at this a little too one-sided.

"How are you feeling today? Any better?" Jungkook cracks open the bowl of Jajangmyeon, handing it to you with a pair of chopsticks.

You take the steamy food and gesture to your ankle which has swollen down a good amount. "Still more healing to be done but it's better."

Jungkook hums in approval. "That's comforting to hear. Dr. Kim going to discharge you soon?"

"Yeah, I think so. A few more days and he said I should be able to rest up at home."

"Really?" He chews on his bottom lip. "Well great, uhm , do you have stuff going on when you get back?"

You think a moment, trying to recollect if you made plans with Na-Rae. "Maybe some but not much. I don't have a ton of people around me right now either...down here I mean."

"Well, do you wanna go out to dinner then?" Jungkook pops the question more causal than expected. It's almost like he planned this or at least has been thinking about it for a bit. "We've been eating together for a while now and I think it might be a nice celebratory thing."

"Are you asking me on a date...Jungkook?" Because it defiantly sounds like he is, as indirect as it may be.

His reply is barely audible but you hear it and for the first time, your professor sounds truly timid. "Uh, well...let's go with "hang out", like friends do."

A/N: so yeah, thats how they got together 👀😅 anyone surprised? Thinking about a drabble for thier first date now haha. Anyway, next chapter we get back to present day stuff where more drama goes down. Also, adding a chapter bc this flashback took the whole chapter lol. Lmk your thoughts 💞

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#bangtanbathhouse #jungkook smut #jungkook fluff #jungkook x reader #jungkook angst #bts smut #bts x reader #bts imagines #bts fanfic #bts au #fic:toolatetodream #kookslastbutton

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fangirlshrewt97 · 1 year

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Story Summary - RRR x ATLA AU

Hey guys, another story summary. I have a lot of ideas I want to write, but I am also feeling slightly frustrated with lack of responses. Like I’m screaming into the void. I know that in the last few months we have been lucky to have so many new people join the fandom, but because of the increased number of works, I am also seeing this almost apathy/works getting taken for granted. Real life takes priority, but if anyone else has noticed many previously active people in the fandom have gone quiet, I do wonder if this is one reason. I am definitely feeling it.

Anyways, that’s just my opinion. Here is the ATLA AU story summary I had written way back when. It’s not very detailed and I did stick close to the plot of the movie, but it’s just food for thought.

///

For context about the Avatar: The Last Airbender universe, the population is divided into four nations that each have an affinity over one of the elements (Air, Water, Earth, Fire). Of the general population, a smaller subset have the ability to "bend" or manipulate their element of affinity, and can train to strengthen their skills. In addition to control over the "raw" elements, each element also has a special ability associated with it (Air -> Oxygenbending; Water -> Bloodbending; Earth -> Metalbending; Fire -> Lightingbending). While each individual only has affinity for one element, every generation an "Avatar" is born who is capable of learning mastery over all four elements. The "nation" of birth for the avatar also cycles, so if in one generation they are born an Airbender, then in the next they are a Waterbender, and so on. The "Avatar" is typically the strongest bender alive for this reason, and discovers their ability to bend other elements in late childhood.

Ok onto the story. Let's modify these rules just a bit, so that while there are people who can bend who have an affinity to a single element, the strongest also have an affinity for a second element. And the Avatar is not one individual per generation, but there are a handful.

Let's keep the movie's plot the same, but now we have a Bheem who grew up as an extremely powerful and natural waterbender, with a strong affinity for earthbending as well. He never tries to bend either of the other two elements, because in the forests, Water and Earth are the most important elements anyways. And none of the tribespeople think about the possibility Bheem might be an "Avatar" because the last time an "Avatar" was born among them was a couple centuries ago.

Let's also have a Ram who is a very talented Firebender, but who downplays his abilities in front of the British. True that if she showed his power he could have a better chance of getting a promotion. But the British are not total idiots, and are very wary of the Indian benders, not hesitating to lock away any bender who shows even the slightest threat against them. So Ram keeps his abilities hidden, never doing more than the occasional fireball or providing light during night time escorts.

When the child is in danger after the train explosion, the men still stage their rescue, with a little subtle aid from their elements. Ram concentrates on the flames that surround Bheem to make sure he is not burned. He doesn't realize that the fire couldn't burn Bheem anymore than him. In the water, Bheem propels them to land without Ram the wiser. Their friendship remains the same, though Bheem only reveals his Earthbending to Ram, who in turn shows his simplest Firebending tricks.

Good things with so many secrets involved can never last, and the Interval fight has to happen eventually. The battle is a true fight with both of them showing all their prowess for bending. Ultimately the outcome is the same. Even if there is one moment when Ram is walking towards an injured Bheem on the ground, and the flames seem to listen to Bheem instead of him. He must have been imagining things.

During the whipping scene, the leaf blowing directly onto Bheem's cheek when he was thinking so hard of his tribe is not a result of coincidence, but accidental bending. The platform seems to shake as the Earth quakes with each strike of the whip upon her child's flesh.

When Ram revists the platform that night, the earth beneath his feet seems to still burn with the heat of the sun where Bheem's blood has soaked the soil. Deciding to help Bheem escape, making his survival Ram's new mission is the easiest choice he has made in a long time.

As Malli runs from them all, Ram pursues her, wanting to make sure she reaches Bheem safely. As he runs out of bullets, he creates a fireball for the Britisher aiming his gun at her. From Bheem's perspective, he sees Ram with fire in his hands running straight at Malli. He redirects the fireball, so that it blasts back onto Ram's face. His anger takes over as he starts to create fireballs and throw them at Ram till he gets to him. He is still unable to stab him, instead pinning him to the ground with shackles buried in the soil. He picks up Malli and runs as fast as he can, feeling the air beneath his feet nearly letting him fly. He does not look back.

Ram realizes Bheem is not just an above average bender, but one of those legendary Benders with the ability to control all four elements. A kind of weapon the Britishers could never properly defeat.

Ram then gets imprisoned, and Bheem goes into hiding. He meets Sita (an Airbender), and gets to know Ram's backstory. For Ram's side, the prison cell they throw him in an ice-box style cell that is specifically meant to surpress the bending ability of Firebenders by keeping them on the verge of hypothermia. The rescue and the subsequent fight are twice as badass as before as both boys unleash their full bending abilities on the soldiers. The climax fight features fire bending Ram, but in that final scene where he confronts Scott, he teaches Bheem not just how to fire the gun, but to do Firebending.

The movie ends with them reuniting with their compatriots with the weapons. But instead of Bheem asking Ram to teach him how to read, it had Ram asking Bheem if he would be willing to join the fight. That he knows it is not fair to ask of Bheem, but with his powers, he cannot not ask either. Bheem has a minute of hesitation, because he still has his mission to fulfill, but looking at Malli, he also knows he never wants another child to go through what she has gone through. He tells Ram that once he has returned Malli to her family, he will come to Ram's village and train with him (and Sita) to learn about Firebending and Airbending, as well as bring a few other benders from his tribe who can help them.

Then they go on to train and become even more badass. Plus they kick a lot of Britishers's asses, and really what more could you ask for?

///

@rambheem-is-real @budugu @bromance-minus-the-b @hissterical-nyaan @obsessedtoafault @hufhkbgg @yehsahihai @rorapostsbl @fangirl-from-discord @fadedscarlets @alikokinav @chaotic-moonlight @rambheemisgoated @rambheemlove @jaganmaya @burningsheepcrown @lovingperfectionwonderland @rosayounan @iam-siriuslysher-lokid @thewinchestergirl1208 @dumdaradumdaradum @ronaldofandom @jjwolfesworld @jrntrtitties @kashpaymentsonly @jeonmahi1864 @stanleykubricks @m3gs1mps4a @tulodiscord @teddybat24 @sally-for-sally @ssabriel @jadebomani @stuckyandlarrystuff @veteran-fanperson @ohfuckoffpls @bheemaxrama @chaidrivenwhore @gifseafins @keyhunter04 @umbrulla

#rrr #rrr fanfic #my fic #my writing

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justwritedreams · 2 years

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Expecting the unexpected | Baekhyun

badboy!Baekhyun x Reader, university au!

Word count: 3377 Genre: slight angst, kinda fluff Author: maari Warnings: Mentions of sex, vomit. Baekhyun’s a few years older than the reader, nothing illegal. Note: I wanted to make something way angst than that but well I couldn’t lol sorry for the delay, I swear I'm trying to be as fast as possible don't give up on me ✊😪 Request: Could you write fuckboy! or badboy! Baekhyun and unwanted pregnancy? (Sorry for if i request this before i forgot) ⫷ Exo Masterlist

"And for the main course, we have pasta." Y/N would have laughed at her best friend's exaggerated expression but stopped when she practically felt her entire stomach stop in her throat at the sight of the food, on impulse she covered her mouth and clenched her jaw. "Oh, get it out of here." She asked, the muffled voice seemed weak suddenly and her friend looked at her angrily as saw her moving away from the plate. "Oh it's not that bad, you love my pasta even though it looks like glue." Y/N grimaced, her mouth watered and when she realized she wasn't going to contain everything that was in her stomach to come back, she ran to the bathroom and left everything she had eaten during the day in the toilet, washed her face and brushed the teeth, she didn't want to get the bitter taste in her mouth and stared at her own reflection in the mirror. Y/N felt differently in the last few days, she couldn't explain it but something had changed inside her. She took a deep breath and lowered her head as a single face chased her head. She had already decided that she wouldn't think about him anymore, it was the best thing to do. She had already cried too much for someone that didn't deserve it. Before she could go back to creating scenarios in her head, left the bathroom but stopped when saw her friend with her arms crossed in front of her, staring at her with a raised eyebrow. She knew that look of distrust all too well.

"I'm going to ask you once and I want an honest answer." Y/N just had time to nod. “How long has your period been late?” She felt all her blood run cold as her jaw dropped. She wasn't expecting that question, but that got her thinking. “Two months, maybe?” she replied, unsure actually. "But you know it's normal for me, my cycle was never perfect." And that was true, even when she was still a virgin she had a silly fear when her period was late. She's always lived her life that way. “If I were you, I would go to the drugstore around the corner.” the friend replied with conviction, leaving Y/N confused. “And buy a pregnancy test.” Y/N laughed, humorless and a little desperate. "Don't you think-" “Excessive sleep, routine motion sickness, inconstant mood.” the friend started enumerating and Y/N bit her lower lip. “If you want to lie to yourself, fine, but not to a med student.” Y/N swallowed and was silent. She thought it was impossible but she was afraid, she had to admit, because deep down she knew it might be true.

[...]

Y/N was restless. She had bought the pregnancy test a week ago and it was only on Saturday that she had decided that would take it out of the box to do it. But the headache had already set in as soon as she woke up with fear hammering in her head. Ever since her friend had spoken, she couldn't stop thinking about it. The possibility that it was true. Okay, a kid wasn't completely out of her plans and it wasn't the end of the world, but she expected it to happen after she finished college and got a good steady job, and the fact that she was emotionally involved with someone she shouldn't have didn't make the situation any better. The test box was on top of the desk that now she couldn't spend even fifteen minutes studying, with dark clouds over her head. She hadn't even been able to attend the classes for the last week. A lot was also due to the malaise that seemed to get worse, the hunger of an animal out of control with strange food combinations that she wouldn't make if she was lucid enough, pickles with dulce de leche that always led to the toilet bowl minutes later to vomit what hadn't even entered her stomach. She knew that deep down she was torturing herself, it would be much better if she got that doubt out of the way, but she was afraid. Afraid of the result. Y/N stared at the box as bit her toenail and on impulse, she got up from the bed and grabbed the box, heading to the bathroom. The dorm room she shared with her friend was empty as she was taking a test but was far from silent as Y/N's thoughts flooded every inch of that place, she closed the bathroom door tightly and took a deep breath as if had left her mind outside. She left the box on the sink and without looking at her reflection in the mirror, she read the instructions with shaking hands and did what she was supposed to, feeling the anxiety take over her body. And then she counted all the minutes until the result came out, she didn't have the concentration to think about anything else besides this task, counting the minutes. When she was sure the right period had passed, she took the test and took a deep breath before turning to face the verdict. Y/N felt a shiver down her spine at the sight of the two blue dashes and her heart started to beat faster as tears started to blur her vision. Positive. True. So it was true. She was pregnant and completely screwed.

[...]

Two weeks. Two weeks Y/N didn't go to class, didn't have a head and even stomach to study, couldn't focus on anything but thinking about how her life had turned upside down in one week. She told her friend, of course, after all she only cried the day she got the result, the friend sure felt sorry for Y/N's deplorable state. When trying to calm her down, she said that she should tell the baby's father and that's when the headache got even worse for Y/N. No, she couldn't. They had never talked about it but she knew that being a father was the last thing Baekhyun wanted to be at that moment, he was enjoying life and a son would limit that. And not even Y/N was planning to. In fact, she would avoid him as much as possible and that's what she did for the last two weeks. She didn't respond to his texts, part of her felt great to retaliate for what he did to her. Didn't even get on your social media. She had disappeared from the map altogether, hoping that if she became invisible the problems would pass. “I’m coming!” Y/N yelled after hearing the bell ring shrill as she searched for a passage in the notebook on top of the kitchen island countertop. She couldn't run away, she needed to go home to tell her parents. She huffed as walked to the door, imagined it was one of her classmates or even her dorm partner but she felt all the walls she'd built in the last few days melt away as stared at the thin, angelic face that carried a devilish smile that made her legs tremble so much. "Hi, princess." He greeted her and Y/N gripped the doorknob even tighter. Before she could say anything, Baekhyun gave her a quick kiss on the lips and walked in while she just stared at him absorbed. “What… what are you doing here?” she asked completely confused and closed the door, then turned to Baekhyun who was standing in the middle of the room. “Is this how you welcome me?” crossed his arms, feigning a hurt expression. "You didn't ask if I'm okay, if I want some water." Y/N took a deep breath, closing her eyes for a few seconds. Of course, it was all too perfect in her plan to ignore his existence, she should have known by now that Baekhyun wasn't the kind of guy to give up easily, not after she was completely melted in his arms. “Hi, Baekhyun, how are you?” she asked wryly and saw him nod in agreement as she smiled. “Want some water?” “No ice, please.” he replied and she remained staring at him, as if wanted to make sure he meant it. Seeing he wasn't joking, she rolled her eyes and headed towards the sink, trying to look completely normal even though she was shaking inside. With her back to him, as she filled the glass of water, she wanted to hit herself. Why did she let him in? She must have slammed the door in his face, as she had several times when he showed up after missing for days. "You'll travel?" he asked interested and Y/N stopped, looking at the glass as if her hope would come out of it. She turned around slowly, holding the glass tightly, and saw him staring at the notebook with a raised eyebrow. On wobbly legs, she walked over to the counter, slammed the laptop's screen shut, and held out the cup to him. "Family problems." was all she replied and he looked at her suspiciously, taking the glass but making his fingers meet hers. Y/N felt her whole body tingle at the contact and the way he was staring at her. Dammit, she go a few weeks without seeing him and when she actually saw him reacts like a silly, infatuated teenager? "Is that why you're avoiding me?" he asked, looking uninterested and drank all the water in one gulp. Y/N laughed, shaking her head. "I thought it made no difference to you." She had convinced herself of that. Y/N and Baekhyun met at a party at one of the frats at the college she attended, he was a few years older than she, had already finished college but showed up at parties because he was a legend on campus. He had created one of the college's most famous fraternities so the invitation to the campus was already guaranteed. Baekhyun didn't go unnoticed that day, of course she had noticed the light haired boy with the angelic face, but after hearing about who he was, she figured she would never get close to him. Well, until one of the completely drunk students pushed Y/N hard against Baekhyun and she literally fell into his lap. She was obviously amused, stuttered so much and her face turned so red that she didn't understand why he didn't just laugh in her face right away, however, he just kept her on his lap, stroking her back and assuring her that he was fine. When their eyes met so close, his soft voice mesmerized her in the same second and instead of focusing on the class as she had promised her parents, it shifted the focus entirely to a single person, him. Y/N wasn't one to sleep with guys the first time she saw them but that changed when she met Baekhyun, she sat on his lap all night but instead of being in front of everyone, the two of them were alone in one of the rooms . It wasn't hard to get addicted to the kisses, the caresses, and the way he molded her body. Though her instincts warned that this was dangerous, she allowed herself to give in, and even the next day, when she heard rumors that he was the womanizing type, who came back to campus on Friday just to hunt women until Sunday, she didn’t accept. She ignored it. And she started going to every party, hoping he was there and he was. It was all casual, no strings attached. He'd made that clear several times and even though Y/N felt her heart sink, she agreed. Sometimes he disappeared, didn't respond to her messages and all that corroded inside her because she liked his playful and cheerful way, it made her day better. But she didn't play the boring and clingy girl, she also managed to be mature enough to understand that it was just sex. Sex with breakfast the next day but it was still just sex. However, the part that warned her was right and she quickly found herself dependent on Baekhyun. No other guy kissed her the same, no other guy touched her the same way. The comparisons came and the desire to be with other guys went away, it was then that she realized the worst had happened. She had developed feelings for him. And that made her surrender even more, even though she knew she shouldn't, held on to the hope that maybe he felt the same things as she did, because even though Baekhyun appeared to be the bad boy, that's how everyone labeled him on campus, he was kind and sweet. No bad boy would hug her every night they were together, no bad boy would tell her to rest after a long day of studying, he always did and there must be a reason for that. “Y/N?” "Huh?" spoke as she realized he was staring at her as if waiting for an answer. “Did you hear what I said?” she opened her mouth to answer but looking away, Baekhyun placed his hands on his hips. "What happened to you?" Y/N was taken by surprise. "What do you mean?" Baekhyun knitted his brows and took a step towards her, scrutinizing her closely. "You’re different. You disappeared, you didn't respond to my texts, you didn't show up to your classes for two weeks and-” That made Y/N smile slightly. “Did you look for me?” she asked in surprise and he stopped where he was. Every friday Baekhyun parked his car in front of Y/N's building and drove her away from campus, one of the reasons she believed that maybe he wasn't as heartless as they said. He wouldn't mind picking her up if it was just for sex. And the fact that he knew she hadn't been gone in the last two weeks implied that maybe he had gone on other days. Baekhyun took a deep breath and walked over, stroking her arm so softly it made her body shiver. "No girl compares to you, I already told you." her smile widened and he took the opportunity to bring their faces closer, their noses almost touching. “I missed our nights.” Y/N felt her face wither and before he could kiss her, she pulled away tucking her hair behind the ears and hugged her body. It wasn't what she wanted to hear. "What's it? What I said?" he asked, confused and she turned to look at him, upset. “You still ask me!” she threw up her hands in frustration. "You have no shameless." "Oh come on, doll." Y/N shook her head and went to the door, opening it angrily. "Get out." she asked and Baekhyun looked at her offended. "Speak seriously." he laughed in disbelief and she got even angrier. “I’m. Leave." she spoke slowly and held her gaze but he didn't move an inch. “I came to see you!” he accused and she rolled her eyes. "Just so you can take me to bed later because that's all I’m to you, your bed partner." she replied, her eyes watering. Damn hormones, she had to stand her ground. "I thought it was fine that way, you never complained." It was true, which was why she felt stupid. How he would understand what she was feeling if she'd never talked about it, he couldn't guess. “Like you said, it was fine.” she lowered her head, looking away again but felt that Baekhyun stayed the same, analyzing her. “What really happened to you?” Part of her heart wanted to tell the truth, but she just gripped the doorknob tighter. "Nothing." she replied dryly but out of the corner of her eye she saw him approaching steadily. "You think I don't know when you're lying?" one more step. "That I don't know when you don't want to tell me something?" another step and she lay still, her tongue itching to speak. "That I don't know when your whole body indicates what you want to do?" Y/N felt the tears even stronger and all her strength was focused on holding back her words, she couldn't speak. Even if should. "Look at me." he asked so gently that she wanted to give in. “Y/N, look at me!” As if her whole body was on the boil, she slammed the door just as screamed. "I'm pregnant!" Silence remained, not even the sound of breathing could be heard. Both in the same position, she scared and Baekhyun completely shocked. The open mouth, the static body. He looked like a statue. Y/N didn't count the time but it seemed like an eternity before she managed to look up at Baekhyun, feeling guilty, and saw the poor guy with his head cocked to the side. “Is this serious?” he asked, still confused. "If you think I'm doing this to keep you in a relationship, you can walk away." she replied, offended and was willing to go back to her room if he hadn't taken hold of her arm as she passed him. “Take advantage and close the door.” Baekhyun stared at her so deeply that the leftover will that she had ended up evaporating in the same instant that his piercing eyes met hers, the firm way he held her even though it didn't hurt, after so long away from physical contact was the enough for her legs to shake again. By the way his eyes sparkled, Y/N was sure he was going to mock her with his usual playful way, she was already expecting the grip in her heart but contrary to what she thought she knew he kissed her. She put her fist on his chest so she could pull away but he took advantage of the movement to grab the back of her neck and keep her there while he devoured her lips with such passion that seeing she couldn't resist, Y/N sighed and stopped fighting, her lips lost on his in the same heated dance as a shiver ran through her body. Y/N felt her lungs complaining for shortness of breath and bit his bottom lip without hurting, bringing the flesh between her teeth as she pulled away. She let go of his lip but Baekhyun still kept her there, close enough that she wouldn't walk away, not that that was an option since the way his heavy breath beat so deliciously against her face. "Do you think you'll settle everything with a kiss?" she questioned weakly and saw him chuckle slightly. “No, actually I just missed your mouth.” "Baekhyun-" she tried to pull away again but his hand that was on the back of her neck went to her cheek and caressed it. “You're not giving me time to digest. It's not every day I find out I'm going to be a father.” Y/N studied his face, looking for any sign of giving up or something like that but… couldn't find it. Wait a moment. “Aren't you angry?” He smiled once more looking at the skin of Y/N's cheek, making her melt completely. "Well, I didn't expect to be a father so soon, but it better be with you." he said, looking back into her eyes. Now it was Y/N who was completely confused. That wasn't quite the answer she'd expected, it wasn't by far the best scenario she'd imagined. "Why?" She wanted to understand, refused to fall back into her own false expectations. "It wasn't obvious, was it?" he chuckled and leaned in to kiss the tip of Y/N's nose, who closed her eyes at the contact. "I fell in love with you." Y/N opened her eyes at the same second and felt her whole stomach churn, it didn't help that Baekhyun stared so intently and she found nothing but sincerity. He was in love with her. This was real. Not just one of her crazy dreams. She smiled as her eyes filled with tears. Who knew, in the end, Baekhyun wasn't even as badboy as they said.

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girltomboy · 6 months

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Watched & read

I kept putting off making a post about this, but a few weeks ago my bf and I watched The Banshees of Inisherin (we got stuck in a "what should we watch?" cycle and decided to pick this one because it sounded fun). It was incredible, probably one of the best movies I watched this year, and it deserved every award and praise it got. It starts off as a regular, pretty sad but not particularly unremarkable story of a friendship breakup, apparently one-sided and out of nowhere. We know such a situation in real life, it's sad and seemingly irrational, but it's nothing wild. But then the movie spirals into this brutal, absurdist madness, a ridiculous and crude battle of egos and petty but deadly mistakes. It's a well-written and absolutely gorgeous black comedy that doesn't shy away from digging into the muddiest side of human nature. My bf and I talked about it for days afterwards, and even told our friends about it (since it hits a little too close to home for some of them 🤡).

The next movie I'm making this post for/about is It Lives Inside. My friend and I saw the trailer for this movie at the cinema not long ago, and it looked pretty interesting so we added it to our watchlist. Since we couldn't watch it at the cinema (our favorite seats kept getting taken & we couldn't make online reservations for it, for some reason) we found it online this weekend and watched it. It follows the story of an Indian teenage girl in America who faces tension from her mother at home, for rejecting her Indian culture. She also has a dispute with her tormented childhood bestie, and ends up unleashing a malevolent spirit that takes her friend away. I didn't really get most of this movie tbh, it either had an abysmally small budget because the narrative relied a lot on vibes (not even the good horror kind, just Nothing), or it was very very badly written (the latter is definitely true regardless of its budget). The acting was terrible too, but in fairness the actors probably did not have much to work with. It didn't have any quality or memorable jumpscares, zero atmosphere, you can literally tell which sequences were made just for the trailer. At times it's edited just like a parody horror. There's very little context for why things happen the way they do, the ending just leaves you very confused, it ends just because the runtime (or budget) expires, not because the movie naturally and organically arrives to a conclusion. Anyway, it was entertaining enough, but I'm so glad we didn't find tickets for it at the theatre and didn't have to pay to see it, because it would've been even more infuriating to have paid money for this trash.

The last thing on my post is The Glass Bead Game by Herman Hesse. It took me 2 months to finish this book, but considering the fact that this year I finally got back into reading consistently after the unintentional hiatus I took during the pandemic, when I didn't read anything for about 3 years and I lost any and all interest and enjoyment I ever derived out of reading... I think I'm doing very well in that regard. This book was on my reading list for one of my favorite classes in college, but obviously I didn't have the time to read it, and when my coworker recommended it to me (only for me to later find out that she didn't actually read it... she was just going off of vibes - Pisces things) I decided there's no time like the present. The book is a biography of an intellectual master who retreats to a region established for the intellectual elite to study the glass bead game - an elaborate puzzle-like game that combines various elements like mathematics, linguistics, music, etc. I was a bit gagged when I found out that this game - completely fictional, sure - was never going to be described or explained in the book. It's giving camp but mysterious, which I loved. Mr. Knecht has a bit of a homosexual aura based on his many tumultuous and intense friendships that consume him and on his dignified, serene presence that every man he comes in contact with admires. I forgot to add that this elite establishment called Castalia is exclusively open to men, because of course it is, and women are seen as malicious and manipulative temptresses always ready to betray and distract men from reaching enlightenment, while men from the outside world who allow women in their lives are seen as dirty, instinct-ruled monkeys (as are people in the outside world, in general, perceived by the Castalians). They separate themselves from the outside world and live in what seems like medieval conditions, in an attempt to transcend materialism and focus exclusively on intellectual and spiritual endeavors, like the glass bead game, of which Knecht becomes a master. Well, fast forward a couple hundreds of pages and Mr. Knecht realizes that, through all this superior isolation, Castalia attempts very hard to separate itself from history and the outside world, which FUNDS the very existence of Castalia to begin with, and he deems this as hypocritical, shallow, and dangerous, and asks to leave. After some quarrels with the president he leaves Castalia and joins society, he realizes that the most fulfilling and rewarding position for him is that of a teacher to pupils, but he doesn't go to teach at a regular school; instead he arranges to mentor the teenage son of an old friend of his, at a remote cabin in the mountains. Enthralled by the teenergy and vitality of the young boy, he follows him into a cold lake at sunrise, where he goes into hypothermic shock and sinks dead. Plummeting into that lake feeling inspired by the impulsivity of a teenage boy was probably the second most respectable and brave thing Knecht ever did, the first being to leave Castalia.

Overall this novel was a paradoxical and philosophical futuristic lens on the past that I mostly enjoyed. I get a bit overwhelmed when I try to think of what to read next. This week I remembered this really funny and enjoyable book I thrifted a few years ago, but left it at my parents' old apartment, and of course they threw it out along with the rest of my stuff. And I don't even know where I could find it again.

#the banshees of inisherin #it lives inside #the glass bead game #film talk #i should've picked talk to me instead of it lives inside for saturday night #but we were both so excited to watch this one like we really trusted this movie to be good #plus my friend already watched talk to me so i have to watch it by myself instead of making her watch it with me... cause we already have #a mile long list of things to watch

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chifuyusgangshirt · 2 years

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shit this is so long, i'm so sorry

i don't really know how to explain it as to why i actually fucked up. but it's just that i'm the straightforward type where if i feel something, i'd tell them without hesitation. and last year, i suddenly kept getting annoyed with the littlest things within our friendship (tho to be honest, others might see it as a small thing, but it's a big deal for me). i don't want to paint a bad picture of her, but the reason i kept getting annoyed during our friendship last year was that it started to feel like i'm the only one who's putting the effort. but whenever i tell them how i feel (sad or annoyed feelings), they will not reply until weeks have passed or even a month. sometimes if the weeks have passed or a month with no reply, i just end up messaging them again and telling them that i'm sorry for telling how i really feel with our friendship and that i still want to keep it (tho it makes me feel like i'm now the only one who's really trying to save the friendship). i just kept in mind that they might've gotten overwhelmed due to me opening up or still thinking what to reply. during our friendship, i always give my best to be as understanding as i can, but it always end up with my emotions getting the best of me. months have passed with the same cycle of me fucking up again where my not so positive feelings will just spill out of nowhere, and i got really tired of it. we also have this habit where after we made up, we just act like nothing happened (that's why our friendship never got any better last year and i'd say it became toxic). months ago, we were in the same situation where i spilled, she hasn't replied for over a month, i said sorry, still no reply. that's where i decided that we should have a very long pause in our friendship to cool off, recover, and be a better person (especially me with my habit of spilling my not so positive feelings out of nowhere). and next time, instead of continuing where we left it, we should rebuild it just like the one where we were just happy-go-lucky. they never replied regarding to that (that's where i had the thought that we can never be as close as before). but we did spoke about ending in good terms. we did ended up in good terms. now i'm better (i've learned how to manage my feelings and emotions and not just to spill it out of nowhere)

now for your case, i hope that you can send her the poem that you wrote. i agree with the others that you only live once and not giving it will give you countless of what ifs. but you did say, "you don't have to send it but it feels good to write your feelings down," and you do have a point and i don't really wanna push anyone. the final decision will still be yours. still, good luck whether you decide to send it or not ♡

I thought long and hard how I can answer this the best and well, anyway:

I get what you mean, I really do. I also struggle with that.

My friends tend to- I don´t want to say forget about me but it feels a little like it sometimes -forget to call or message or actually just giving a sign of life in general, which is partly something I do too and partly because we all are adults, we have our lifes and problems and sometimes reaching out is just very exhausting.

But you know what´s not okay?

Not answering to a serious text, emotional message or whatever where you show yourself vulnerable and open to communicate. It´s mean and kinda discards your feelings about a situation.

Sure if you write them an hour long E-mail where you pick them apart and insult them just because you are angry that´s different but I don´t see a reason to just plain out ignore a friends feelings.

You are allowed to be hurt, you are allowed to voice that out and you are allowed to want something back.

I think your friend acted wrong and that people who ignore things like that and then don´t even change their behavior don´t deserve your attention at all.

You are valuable.

So, I get that it is hard to voice out something that could cause a conflict and risk an argument but people who see you as importent should be willing to at least hear you out. This can end in a fight or a hug you know but at least you tried to communicate properly with someone.

I know that it feels so shitty when people just don´t reply to something that is important to you and I get that you´ll get lonely, so lonely that you are willing to forget what made you mad in the first place and go back to them but at one point you should re-think if that´s really your fault or theirs.

From what I get here, you try to explain the situation and they don´t react so it was your right to end this relationship.

So what I want to say is, you didn´t fuck up your friendship. From your ask I´d say that at least :)

#cgs personal

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