#too tired to do more than sit

[hafwen]

2023 had one high point and it was finding Toni and catching her the day before my birthday

The rest of the year was been pretty shit. Ollie died of old age and Pumpkin died of probably cancer

And to top off December my mom got diagnosed with endometrial cancer

Really need 2024 to be less tragic and have less cancer

#very depressed this year #didn’t read as much as normal #and my Duolingo streak of 500 days got kicked to the curb #I just couldn’t do anything but play silly games and cry for a lot of it #and now my mom is very tired all the time #too tired to do more than sit #and my dad is useless #at least he drove her to the appointment today #he’s good enough for that #I honestly don't know how I would've made it without Toni #she keeps me from being too sad #she doesn’t miss pumpkin and Ollie she never knew them #which is both sad and good #it helped everyone #all the pets were noticeably better once she come around #personal #cancer #pet death #so i have cats and a dog #pumpkin #Ollie #Toni #my mom has cancer #really happy I have therapy in less than 24 hrs

[turtleblogatlast]

Don’t think I ever quite said what my LGBTQ+ headcanons are for the boys, so these are my current thoughts! Always changing of course but this is what I feel most strongly right now.

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt headcanons #rise donnie #rise leo #rise mikey #rise raph #donnie and leo’s sexualities being practically swapped was unintentional but it works way too well #same with mikey and raph tbh it was a happy accident #anyway I kinda hc raph as the type who doesn’t care about physical appearance just if you fight lol #Mikey’s more than happy with friends and family #Donnie is a BIG romantic but he needs time to sus a person out fully before he gets the hots for them #leo meanwhile isn’t keen on romance unless it’s with someone he grows to really really REALLY trust #I could go on and probably will later (knowing me) but it is late and I am tired haha #turtle art tag #curious as to what everyone else headcanons #the only one of these I’ll defend forever is Bi (female-leaning) donnie and trans leo #all the others can change over time but I really like where they’re sitting right now #I hope these are the right flags too because it was kinda hard to find them #went looking for transmasc flag in particular but I couldn’t find a solid agreed upon version 😭 #ngl a big part of why I hc mikey as aro is because of a pun #my phone often misspells aromantic as aromatic and- and you get it- because aromatic herbs and- and Mikey is a chef do YOU GET IT #note that while I hc leo as bisexual (male-leaning) I still think he’s prob closer to demi in that as well just not as far into the spectrum #if that makes sense #headcanons are fun and hard to narrow down at the same time alas #I made this in like an hour can you tell djjdjd #I drew them all from memory so if there’s anything wrong…shhh #and if you’re wondering for April and Splinter #Both are Bisexual (female-leaning) but April is also Panromantic #I almost wanna make Splinter demiromantic too so Big Mama’s betrayal hits just a bit harder

[ink-the-artist]

forgive me if you've been asked this before or if its annoying, but how did you learn to use colored pencils like that? your art is so special to me.

ty :) I took an art class for a few years where our teacher had us buy prismacolor pencils as one of the art supplies and had us use them kinda like paints, pressing down hard right away and blending the colors together. its not how youre supposed to use them she was just trying to teach us to use color and ig this was more to the point. I picked them up again years after i stopped going to that class just bc they were there and i wanted to play around w them a bit and ended up actually enjoying it when doing it on my own terms lol

#it was a weird class #it was just this russian lady doing private lessons in her house that my mom learned about somehow #I did NOT like those classes all we did was still life and they were hours long which is esp rough when im in high school and busy #and she wanted us to stand while working the whole time bc tradition i guess? #she did allow me to work sitting but thought i was lazy for it. idk dude i dont want to exhaust myself fast for no reason #standing is a lot more tiring than walking #i def did still benefit from those classes just from learning to accurately draw from life #did not like the teacher tho #on one hand shed paid for the art supplies for kids whos families were too poor to (and these are nice expensive supplies) #which is very nice #but on the other she was very homophobic and open about it #like when they legalized gay marriage she went on a rant about how horrible it is that they can adopt kids now #and also kind of racist #she was telling me how she got blocked from a facebook group bc she made a post asking if she could speak to a white person #and she didnt realize she was posting that publicly she thought it was a private message to the group owner #im honestly still not sure i heard/understood her correctly bc it was so bizzare and the only time i ever remember her being racist #she talked abt it like she genuienly was unaware it was racist #she described it as a misunderstanding bc she accidentally posted it publicly instead of privately #like it wouldnt have been racist to ask that at all #also one time she talked about how she saw demons in her home once #also she doesnt vaccinate her kids bc of microchips #she was like a walking russian stereotype lol #anyway heres some ink the artist lore

[supercalime]

I’ve been lurking in the 911 tags for only a week and I’m already exhausted of most b*ddie shippers holy shit

#the annoying ones know who they are #this isn’t a personal attack #I truly don’t want them to become canon out of spite #why even tag your hate in the goddam tag dedicated to another ship #Tommy’s tag has a lot of hate and people talking about eddie how there’s clues etc etc #I haven’t been deeply involved in fandoms in the last few years for this exact reason #when it becomes too meta it kinda ruins it for me #people digging through interviews and trying to find evidence in situations that weren’t intended that way in the writing drains you #sorry to break it to you #but Bucky is into tommy and was since the beginning of meeting him #yall going #well actually #he’s in love with eddie but doesn’t know and misplaces it with Tommy #is tiring #I don’t know if b*ddie will be canon but not everything has to be about romance with them #they seem to have a connection that goes even deeper than romance #having them be a couple just kinda irks me #they don’t need to be two bros sitting in a bathtub five feet apart but they seem like soulmates in a way that I don’t see as romantic #I say as an aromantic person too #deep connections can be just as intense and interesting if even more than coupling up #obviously not tagging the ship name cause I’d be lynched if I do #and again this isn’t about the actual ship it’s more about the fandom and how they feel entitled to claim theories as facts #lety rambles #tommy kinard #tevan #tuck #911 #911 abc #911 show #bucktommy

[cerise-on-top]

Nikolai with a s/o who always has a hand on his chest? With consent ofc, and it’s always to feel his heartbeat. I think of this all the time and it’s always super cute in my head.

Hello! That is pretty cute!

Nikolai Always with Reader’s Hand on His Chest

Nikolai is a pretty laid back and chill sort of man, so he usually doesn’t mind you putting your hand over his heart. Maybe not while you’re walking, though, he doesn’t want you to trip. It’s very sweet to him: You wanna make sure that he’s alive? That he’s still with you? That his heart is still beating? Trust me, not even death could take him away from you. He’d dig his way out of his grave after killing the reaper with his bare hands himself. You can always put your hand over his chest while you’re at home together, though. It’s nice to feel you. After a while it would be reassuring to him as well, feeling that you’re there, that you’re with him. He thinks it’s sweet that you always want to be touching him, because if it was up to you he’d do the same thing with you. After some time, once he’s realized that you’re always touching him whenever you can, he tries to get into positions that facilitate you touching him a bit. Usually lies on his back when you’re cuddling so you have full access to him. Can and will fall asleep like that, but will also want to hold you back. Will also put his hand over your heart as well so he can “get back at you”. In reality, feeling your heartbeat is also just nice and reassuring to him. However, he sometimes might lie on your chest in order to hear it as well, something like it lulls him to sleep, after all. You can put your hand over his chest in public as well, though, he doesn’t particularly mind cuddling in public either. There’s a good chance you’ll be nicely clothed, though, so you won’t feel his heartbeat unless you slip your hand under his clothes. You can do that, he doesn’t care about strangers staring in public. However, once it’s time to continue walking around, release him. You can continue your antics once you’ve found another nice bench to sit on.

#cod #cod x reader #cod nikolai #cod nikolai x reader #tomorrow is finally friday for me right now. I am so tired. but tomorrow I'm gonna take a long long nap #I have the next two weeks off but I can't promise that I'll be able to post too much during that time for driver's license reasons #I'll try but I have a lot of errands to run then #besides it's not like I get too many requests in per day luckily. at one point I got 4 requests in one night #now I get one. maybe two at most per day. which is good. it's relaxing and doesn't stress me out too much either #at one point I had eight requests sitting in my inbox despite working on them ever day. that was really stressful #but these days I'm more willing to close my inbox. people usually don't mind the waiting too much anyway #I do work as fast as I can though but I'm gonna stick with posting one request per day. that's a much better pace for me #haven't written for Nikolai in a while though. I'm glad people still like me writing characters other than the girls as well #but it seems as though for now I've become a cod girls centric blog haha #I don't mind. I'm just glad that people like my writing enough to want to request it. I'll write for just about anyone of the main charas #two exceptions apply but I refuse to write for them. i just genuinely don't like them #but I like Nikolai. he's good he's nice. he seems like someone who'd be great at giving bear hugs

[milf-harrington]

oh tonights going to be fucking miserable

#no matter what i do i cant get comfortable theres always something digging into me or not sitting right #its too quiet so i put my fan on but the /droning/ was genuinely doing my head in i thought i was going to snap so i had to turn it off #so now its STILL too quiet #im itchy and in pain and my nose is blocked #and i am. so fucking tired. i havent had a proper solid nights sleep in like 4 days #how was i more comfortable on my sisters couch last night than i am right now in my own bed #i just want to sleep 😭😭 pls dont me and sleep have enough issues cmere bbygirl i miss you- #captain speaks

[orcelito]

I just desperately miss being able to be silly at work y'all my boss has been so staunch about no downtime ever and it's really cramping my style 😭😭😭

#speculation nation #im putting in my 2 weeks soon anyways so this wont matter before too long #but just thinking about how he constantly complains about us sitting and chatting when theres nothing to do #like BROOOOO im doing my job im finishing my tasks just sometimes there's nothing to do!!! #or maybe im tired and wanna sit a bit did u think of that??? #i cant even rly take breaks bc of the structure of how he has shifts happen #bc hes a stingy ass who cant spring for more than one or two people on shift Most of the time #how am i supposed to take breaks when im alone on shift or working with a trainee????? bitch #thinking many uncharitable things about him. let me fuckin chill sometimes god Damn

[calamitys-child]

Hornyposting in tags skip if u dont wanna see

#like wrestling collar matches right. idk. yesterday i was trying to explain my Deal to a friend when they asked if i was a puppy #and i was like. im not a puppy. because im not cute sweet baby boy . im a fucking Mutt. #im a grown ass dog with teeth. #and im a werewolf. im scared of the part of me with claws and teeth and no self control #and i love the part of me with teeth and claws and no self control #i dont want head pets sit up and beg good boy #at least DEFINITELY not outright #i want to be chained up and slapped and only when ive broken myself against my leash and am too tired to fight is it safe to pet me #i want reassured that i cant bite people because even when i get twitchy or scared or snappy the muzzle keeps me from hurting anyone else #and I dont want degradation i want seen as an equal being worthy of respect #and pro wrestling collar matches. i feel more resonance with that than i do with almost any pup play content ive ever seen #i want a fight. and maybe i want to lose. just to prove to myself that im not the threat im scared i am

[damiemontclair]

Is it ridiculous to think maybe this whole hospital thing and related business has mildly traumatised me? Is it ridiculous that I want to write about it in excruciating detail, just get the experience out on paper, on my blog, somewhere? It feels dumb but I want to write fic about it. I think it'd fix me.

#Still haven't really properly cried tho I am kinda tearing up as I write this #I'm not having a good mental health time rn ngl #The callous way some of the docs treated me; the way their sole focus was on reproduction without a single care for the hormones... #The generally terrible way I deal with surgery/post-surgery #It wasn't. As bad? The last few times? #I think I've also made myself forget a lot from the first 2 times #3rd time was more traumatising. #This last one tho... I never stayed for more than a night at the hospital. I never want to stay at a hospital ever again. #I never want to have surgery again #I swear if I have to do that again I will have my panic attack before they even put me under #It was so painful this time and people weren't listening to me at all when I told them the iv wasn't sitting right anymore #Nurses and doctors kept dismissing my opinions and wishes and needs.... #It was like as a patient you're less than human. #My arm is still bruised from where they fucked up their blood draws... #I'm so tired but I can't seem to rest #I'm so full of emotions but I can't seem to let them go and *cry* #Its like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop #Pls ignore me amd my rambles I'm just. Not doing too hot rn. #damie talks

[thethingything]

I'm fatigued, my back hurts, I accidentally spent like 3 hours sat downstairs in a chair that made our back feel worse because our executive dysfunction prevented me getting up and going back upstairs even though I only went down there to get one thing, and now I really need to lay down but if I accidentally fall asleep again I feel like I'll wake up, realise I fell asleep and also that I feel like I wasted a big chunk of the day, and I'll end up feeling even worse again

#personal #thoughts #🍬 post #vent post #posts made on pain meds #I went downstairs to get food but ended up having to wait longer than anticipated which is whatever #but then that meant I ended up sitting down and once we sit down it's like our brain stops being able to process that we can leave #I'll sit there the whole time going ''I need to get up and go back upstairs. I don't want to be sat here'' and just can't get up #I hate that this happens because while I know our executive dysfunction isn't our fault #and it's the exact same issue that stops us eating or drinking or going to the toilet or whatever when we need to #I still feel like I should be able to just get up and do the thing and just leave if I'm in a situation that I don't want to be in #and it's so hard to get other people to understand that I can't ''just leave'' because my brain just won't let that happen #like I want to but my brain won't register it as an actual thing I can do and it feels more like a weird abstract concept #than a thing I could actually do. it's like my brain can't connect the concept of the action to the act of doing it #and then I get frustrated because why can't I just do the thing that I know I should be able to do #and then I've spent hours not doing anything I meant to and mostly just feel like shit because of it and it keeps happening #and now I need to lay down and I know what's likely to happen if I do that #but I do need to listen to my body especially after getting stuck in a situation that makes our pain and fatigue worse #also we had to take pain meds earlier and that's definitely not helping with us feeling shit emotionally about all this #I hate having to navigate our brain and body just not functioning properly #I feel like we've had so little energy lately and it's reminding me too much of this time last year when we had that blood infection #I'm terrified of that happening again because we almost didn't get treatment because we started to assume it was just our new baseline #hmm apparently within like 5 minutes we've gone from ''ugh I wasted 3 hours'' to almost crying over medical trauma #I probably need to try and do something to calm us down but also I'm too tired to really do anything #which brings me right back to the issue that triggered this whole rant and me getting upset in the first place

[altruistic-meme]

it's genuinely disorienting to work in an area where we are all women* in a field that most people assume is dominated by men and to have my coworkers STILL tell me "oh that position is a MAN'S job, we need a MAN to come help us with that" like bitch no we don't!!!!! it's not even that hard!!!!! what, because it requires a little extra strength suddenly that means that we're INCAPABLE of doing something??? fuck off. i can and will find a way to do whatever I need to for my position and I will learn how to do it on my own.

(*no im not actually a woman but my coworkers don't know that)

#ok my current area isn't all women like it was so this is an outdated rant but i was set off by that one post about #butch =/= handy #anyway I've been working in this factory for 2 years and this is the first time I've been in an area that does actually seem to #have more men than women in it #literally every other time it has been predominantly-exclusively women and im SOOOO TIRED of hearing #'mans job' #babygirl this entire JOB is a 'mans job' that doesn't mean women can't or won't do it too!!!!!! #fuck off with your sexist bullshit #not even talking about the number of things I've had to do bc my male coworkers COULDN'T #and how many times I've had to sit there and go 'x is wrong' while they say 'no its y' only for it to actually fucking be x like i had #said the whole time #anyway #get your disgusting sexism out of my factory job and leave me alone 👍 #shh ac

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#it's so weird trying to describe yourself when u really aren't something u used to be #like until i was probably 21 or so id say i was shy. very very shy. but now im like was that even true? was i ever shy bc im not now #maybe i was just quiet and anxious. maybe thats just what being shy is. but im still both of those things but im not shy #im sorta like a hermit. i dont really go around ppl if i can avoid it but i dont hate being around ppl. its just that im less anxious when #im alone. but if u put me around ppl i like to talk to them so im not shy. ill say whatever. i dont really give a fuck #but if u throw me in a group i go back to being a non entity. i guess thats just being an introvert with an asocial streak #thats a thing i noticed while i was at the grad weekend i attended in march. the group would gather and do things while i kinda just #wandered away from them to poke at trees and sit in the snow. i dunno i just feel better away from ppl. my brain gets a lot louder if ive #been too social. which is a shame bc its interesting to watch ppl and understand how thry work #my friend came over to day goodbye before i leave next week. which was nice. i wish we would have hung out more in person but so it goes #and i think in my head im a lot more contained thst i actually am. like if u set me a task that becomes my focus but im also sorta all over #the place. partly bc i think my brain works on like a lag. and also my mood is a little elevated rn so im sorta like *jazz hands* and #talking too fast and too much and oversharing. yesterday i was instrucing an undergrad and felt so bad bc my brain was all over the place. #could not b made linear. im tired now tho bc theres nothing more draining than being emotionally honest and talking for like 2hrs. woof. it #so hot. like fucking so hot bc the monsoons have started and humidity is up so my swamp cooler is fucked and its gotta b at least 80 degree #inside my apartment. holy christ. and the temp has been over 100 degrees for like at least 2 weeks. its so hot its kinda alarming. and im #glad my friend was also freaked out by how hot its been bc oh god its hot. and i cant focus. ive done fuck all today. but i did get rid of #couch which is so so so great. ugh. someone make the sun stop making it so hot #unrelated #its been over 100 degrees outside for like 2 weeks. not on my apartment #and when i say i wish i spent more time with my friend irl. i mean it in a distant sort of way. like thats how im supposed to feel. like i #dont kno if thats actually what i feel or i kno im supposed to b social but idk if i actually mean it

[asummersday]

when will my writing motivation return from the war 😭

#please i just wanna post the next chapter #or at the very least start a oneshot or do literally anything #ive been more tired than usual and i dont like that #im ALWAYS so so tired #sometimes YEAH its because im up til 3 or even 4 #but ive also slept 9 hours. 12 hours. and yet ill STILL feel so tired #im too tired to do the things i want to do #and then i feel like ive just wasted my whole day :((( #how many times these past few weeks have i said im gonna get this chapter done huh? and it is NOT done #i love creating and writing but it takes so much energy sometimes :((( and i just dont have it :((( #i feel bad/down -> writing would help me feel better -> too tired/unmotivated to write -> doesnt write -> keeps feeling bad #rinse and repeat lmao #sometimes being nice to urself and waiting for the motivation doesnt work #sometimes u gotta sit at ur desk with a massive mug of coffee and say ''i will WRITE if its the last thing i fucking do'' #screw quality its time to write WORDS #anyway. im making myself coffee rn. i will get through this dammit #summer post

[lavender-femme]

.

#don’t mind me I’m just having a night™️ #i hate living with my dad more often than not #the only consistent pro is not paying rent #which I only get because every time I ask him what he wants me to pay him he gets all kinds of passive aggressive #I got roped into being his caretaker post knee replacement just because I’m here #and he can’t be bothered to treat me with half as much respect as he does his numerous girlfriends who treat him like shit #I’m so so so tired of doing every fucking thing around here #i haven’t done laundry because I’ve been in too much pain #i haven’t done dishes because I’ve been in too much pain #so of course the sink is overflowing and his laundry just sits downstairs because he ‘doesn’t want to’ #the knee replacement hasn’t even happened yet #and I just know I’m going to end up doin every goddamn thing around this house even more #doesn’t matter that I am in a shit ton of pain and can’t even properly treat it #doesn’t matter that I might be having a difficult time with my mental health #doesn’t fucking matter !! he doesn’t want to do something now so I can end up doing it later #just thinking about how he and my uncle joked about ‘if you do it wrong enough times you stop getting asked to do it’ #about dishes and laundry and shit #and that is so fucking disgusting to laugh about #especially when you literally put everything off so your kid can do it despite you being perfectly capable #and then refusing help when you actually do something #I’m just so fucking annoyed #i am in so much pain and all I asked was for one thing #doesn’t matter that I’m using my limited gas to drive him to and from the hospital tomorrow #or that I’m the one who went out and found him crutches #or that I’m the one who told him to think of some meals for the week since he’ll be recovering and I’ll be cooking them and then he refused #Fuck #I’m just so exhausted #and i I have to wake up super fucking early #i wanna bury my face in a butches chest and never come out #it’s fine I’m fine everything is fine

[bl00dw1tch]

It is so fucking funny how someone telling me to do something is the fastest and easiest way to get me to want to Actively grind my life back to halt instead.

#horse.txt #vent // #its dumb. im being dumb let me be clear. this is about getting a fucking job. writing my resume. my mom told me i need to #'start getting serious' about it #and i do. i do. #im just. ghhhh i feel like im going to fucking explode. its so easy its so easy everybody has to do it i dont get to be fucking special #but knowing that never fucking Means anything i can know that like its tattooed to my eyelids and it doesn't change the fact that #i have no idea what the fuck to do #i have lists and lists and lists of advice and tips and help and links and i appreciate them bc at least now i have a foundation to jump off #but i still can't fucking get through them #i cant figure it out. its right there but the second i start to try i run into some roadblock and i start freaking the fuck out #and then i cant fucking go back to it bc by then ive spent an hour crying and im too tired to do anything but sit and cry some more #i hate the fucking options here. i hate the options everywhete. i dont want to fucking work dude im just. im not fucking there #but theres no other fucking option and people get so fucking mean when you try to say that bc im just being fucking lazy lazy lazy #i dont know. if i am im not sure i care that much anymore #im just tired of feeling so fucking miserable and useless but it's hard to ignore because i just amm!!!!! #the only thing i can do better than some people is draw and the idea of doing That for a job makes me feel sick to my stomach #man. i dont know. idk #sometimes i just have to catastrophize things to get it out of my system . iygiygi #ill be fine #just might be a tense Christmas apparently.

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

everyone applaud me i stress wrote a whole 3page essay (and read 20+ pages in my massive fucking textbook for context) in like 45 minutes. it is the most half-assed thing i've ever turned in but that's besides the point

#i should not have left that until like. an hour before the deadline #but it's in and that's better than nothing #i've reached new levels of half-assery though #quarter-assed that. a fifth of an ass went into that. only the most stressed part of my brain wrote that and it is not skilled #now i can chill tf out for 20min until i have to face class #i know attendance is important and all but also why. let me hang out somewhere on campus and do the lesson on my own #i did this most of my childhood let me please please please i'm too spoiled by homeschool and covid to be places in-person #i don't want to do the whole participation thing. esp for classes that make you pair up #i don't even dislike partner work. in fact i kinda like it. but when they make you speak in front of the whole class? #can't do that shit sorry man i can only speak to one or two people at a time more than that is excessive #ajdahjlghads methinks i'm just tired. and people keep disturbing my peace by sitting next to me when there are perfectly good seats farther #away. like i was seconds from biting this guy's head off i had the wildest wave of anger over this guy sitting too close i did not see that #coming but whatever. i read some fic instead of working and calmed tf down but like. there's no reason to sit right next to me #and be loud and talk to someone i am here bc it's quiet #anyways i'm rambling in the tags (as i always seem to do). comms might be open soon btw if ur interested