#twdg david garcia | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale · 2 months

Text

Was Javier Garcia "not bisexual enough" in ANF?

I feel like everyone reading the title of this essay is going to say, "Well, yeah? Obviously? Javi didn't show any interest in men outside of that one optional moment of flirting with Jesus and then he was confirmed bisexual by one of the writers after the season ended. If they wanted to make him bi, they should've done more with it because that's not enough."

That's a commonly expressed opinion no matter where you look, and it's not like it's unfounded, either.

On a surface level, I agree. While I understand the excitement of learning a character is canonically bi, in the case of Javier Garcia it still feels like celebrating crumbs tossed to us by Telltale after they had their cake and ate it, too. They snuck in some bisexual representation at the last minute for queer audiences without it being explicit so the homophobes wouldn't throw a tantrum.

Stuff like that happens. Sometimes the representation is subtle or implied in the subtext. Or, the queerness is condensed into something digestible and sanitized for straight audiences. Or, it's stated after the fact with little to no actual evidence to support it in canon.

Hell, even if it is obvious, like with Clementine being bisexual in TFS, you still have biphobes who will die on the hill of denial. Even now, in the year 2024, we have people insisting "Clem being bi came out of nowhere! They should've showed it in earlier seasons if they wanted it to make sense. I'm not homophobic but here's my essay PROVING that violentine is bad and forced and that Clem isn't bi!" Or, on the other extreme, "Clementine is a lesbian to me, bisexuality isn't real :)"

But I've already talked about Clementine and what her bisexuality means to me. I want to talk about Javier now.

He's an interesting case, both in the way his queerness was handled and portrayed in the game, and how audiences received it... as in, a lot of people said, "That's great and all, but is it really representation when it's not actually present? It's not enough."

That. That right there: "It's not enough." That's what I want to break down and examine.

Is Javier Garcia not valid as a queer character because he didn't reach this concept of "enough" in the eyes of the player? But what would have been "enough" then? Do people really understand what they're asking for when they discuss what they think Telltale should've done? Does it actually matter if Javier is queer when it comes to the plot and his journey as the protagonist, and if it doesn't matter, is that okay?

Should we just accept these crumbs sprinkled in our hands?

I want to make it clear that I'm but one bisexual examining a bisexual character and doing an analysis. I've climbed out of my bog to write this because I want to discuss Javier and the writing as it pertains to his queerness, or lack thereof. I'm also aware that I'm not providing any irrefutable, concrete evidence here one way or the other; I'm speculating about Javier through a queer lens. I encourage any other bi, pan, or other queer person to add to these discussion points, whether in agreement or not.

Prior to TFS, the queer representation in TWDG wasn't great...

Though the games do get progressively gayer as the seasons go on. And some even get to live! Progress!

S1 had... uh, none? Wait, is that right? ...Yeah, no, I'm tuning my gay radio and it isn't picking up any signals, Captain. Nothing gay in these waters.

S2 had Walter and Matthew, who both died shortly after being introduced. There's some homoerotic undertones between Luke and Nick but nothing was ever confirmed. Also, they both died, so... not great.

The Michonne mini-series had Jonas and Zachary, but Zachary will always die no matter what. Jonas can die, too, but it's determinant. Paige was confirmed to be queer by the writers, though. Uh, progress? Kind of? Not really, it's never talked about and you only pick up on her feelings for Sam if you squint and pay close attention. But hey, at least she got to live!

Then, in ANF we have Javier, our playable protagonist, and Paul "Jesus" Monroe, a gay character who also showed up in the comics and TV show. Would'ja look at that, they both got to live! I should also mention nothing was ever confirmed about Ava but... c'mon, y'know? Captain, there's a faint signal on my radio; when you know, you know. Except she died, to, so... still not great.

Then came TFS, who really said, "Screw you, here's all the gay!"

They gave us bisexual Clementine with both of her romance routes. Violet, Minerva, James, mentions of his past boyfriend, Charlie... Aasim was planned to be bisexual and I don't see why we can't reclaim that for him, and one day I'll crawl out of my bog to write my analysis on the queer-coding/subtext of Louis' character because if I read "lmao Louis is such a Straight" one more time, I'm going to let the gators take a bite out of me just so that I can feel something other than irritation for once.

Sigh. It's so hard being a "Louis ain't straight" truther out here, so few understand.

My plights aside, there's no avoiding the queerness of TFS. Even if your Clementine doesn't romance anyone, or romances Louis, you can't avoid the fact that Violet and Minerva were girlfriends at one point. It's determinant if James will tell you about Charlie, but that doesn't change the fact that James is gay.

But it runs deeper than that. This is a story about these troubled youth who were abandoned by their families and teachers, the ones who were supposed to love and help them, because "something was wrong with them, they did something bad... they need fixing."

These young people have to fight against an oppressive group of adults looking to steal their autonomy, change them, mold them into what's expected to survive. Their identities don't matter to the raiders. All the raiders care about is erasing such identities so that they fall in line and obey, and if they don't comply, they die... or worse.

Yes, it's a story about Clementine and AJ finally finding a home, but no matter how you play, it's also a narrative steeped in queer themes and subtext. You can tell that the people who made it not only cared about these things and wanted them weaved throughout the story, but that some of them were queer themselves.

But where does that leave us with Javier?

With everything TFS did, it's easy to look back at ANF with a critical eye and pinpoint its flaws in every aspect. While I don't believe it's the worst game Telltale ever made [I mean, Minecraft Story Mode exists], in my opinion, it's the messiest game in the main series. It's not bad, but I'd much rather play S1 or TFS.

For all the criticism it received, most players did like Javier as the playable protagonist. Well, they did once they got over the fact that Clementine wouldn't be taking on that role again, and was instead relegated to only being playable in flashbacks.

Javi's personality can vary depending on player choices, but for the most part, he's a charismatic man who loves his family. He used to be a professional baseball player before he was booted from the league for gambling. He can be cocky and sarcastic, and it usually lands him in trouble. He tends to cope and deflect using humor. He has a past of being irresponsible and selfish; he wasn't even there when his father died, despite knowing he was dying of cancer. His relationship with David is complicated, only made messier if he and Kate end up together. He's trying his best... for the most part. Javi even ends up being a father figure to Gabe and Mariana after they all thought David was dead, and he's very open about his grief following Mariana's death.

But given everything we learn about him while playing ANF, how do we know Javi isn't straight? After all, his main love interest is Kate, a woman. He also has opportunities to flirt with Eleanor, another woman. He doesn't show any signs of being attracted to any of the men who are around... until Paul "Jesus" Monroe.

At the end of ep5, Javi and Jesus have a conversation where one of the dialogue options is, "I like you, Jesus." Granted, that doesn't have to mean "like-like;" you can say you like someone without any romantic intentions. Plus, Jesus IS a cool character. Players who picked that option likely weren't thinking of it in a romantic sense.

It's the way that Jesus responds to this option, though: a flirtatious smile, lidded eyes, the deep dip of his voice.

Javier: I gotta admit, man. You're a fucking badass! Jesus: You're a real charmer... You know that? Through and through.

It's not difficult to see Jesus is being flirtatious, and Javi sees it, too. How does he react?

Forgive me, but I'm about to over-analyze this six-second gif. I love his reaction so much. That subtle jump of his shoulders as if a jolt just ran through his gut at the way Jesus lowers his voice. Surprised, and then the movement of the brows, the slide of the eyes, and the little upturn of the mouth says to me "Oh… oh." Caught off guard, perhaps a little bashful.

Option 1: Javier: Oh, you know what they say. Takes one to know one. Jesus: That they do. Option 2: Javier: Are you really sure you don't want to stay? There's room. Jesus: Oh, uh... I'm sure there is, but... we got other people depending on us, Javi. Just the way it is. Option 3: Javier: Meant to tell you... That, uh, armor you got is great. Jesus: Oh... Oh, uh... Hmm... Well, uh... Thanks, um... It gets the job done.

Javi knows what Jesus is getting at regardless of your choice. He understands this is flirtatious, but is startled since he likely didn't consider that Jesus likes men, too. We the audience have a better chance at knowing if, especially those familiar with the character from the comics and the TV show. Javi wouldn't because why would he? It's not like Jesus is obvious and flaunting with the fact that he's gay.

What's funny about that is, given our topic of discussion, we could also argue that Jesus wasn't gay enough, couldn't we? If we're going to pick on Javier for not being more open about his sexuality, then it's only fair that we pick on other characters, no? Did Jesus need to be gayer? Would that improve ANF?

In fact, now that I think about, was James gay enough in TFS? Was one moment where he talks about his boyfriend, a scene that's determinant so not every player got it, enough? What about Minerva? We know she and Violet were girlfriends before Marlon traded her away, that's information that's unavoidable, but did she actually reach this apparent high standard of "enough" in the eyes of the audience?

Are we entitled to unequivocal evidence of queerness, and the heaping amount we deem necessary, otherwise it's not good enough and shouldn't be bothered with at all? Are more casual displays of queerness bad?

I can already hear people jumping to defend James and Minerva, and likely Jesus, against this because "it's totally different!"

Sure. Javier's situation is different from James, Jesus, and Minerva's respective situations. James actually uses the word boyfriend and he keeps a picture of him and Charlie in his pocket. Jesus appears in The Walking Dead universe outside of the game with more evidence of queerness. Minerva's past relationship with Violet is made clear even when you don't pursue Violet's route, not to mention the underlying metaphor of conversion with her being changed/brainwashed/traumatized by the raiders to be just like them.

Javier is different because that scene with Jesus is the only in-game evidence of his queerness, right? Then he had to be confirmed as bisexual by one of the writers once ANF ended.

Surely, they could've brought up the fact that Javier's bi earlier, right? Made mentions of a past boyfriend, or had a flashback about Javi coming out to his family? Why only let him flirt with Kate and Eleanor? Why wasn't there an option to flirt with Tripp, or some other male character? What about a darker turn where David didn't accept Javi for it? David's portrayed as an antagonist, anyway, why not toss a little homophobia into the mix? Why not reveal it if Javi rejects Kate? What if Kate was so hurt by the rejection that she asked him, "It's true, David was right. It's because you like men, isn't it?"

It feels like they decided at the last minute to just toss it in, like someone walked into Telltale one day and said, "Y'all, I just thought of the funniest thing- Javi should be bi so that we can make jokes about him swinging both ways!" And then everyone clapped.

Here's the deal: Something about this sits differently with me, and that's probably thanks to one of ANF's writers, Adam Esquenazi Douglas.

He's the one that confirmed Javier as bisexual.

Adam had his hand in writing for 4/5 episodes, and he said he wrote the scene where Javi can flirt back with Jesus, but it's that last line of his: "After all, they always say write what you know."

I don't know how many of you who are reading this are writers, or creators in general, but I assume many of you are. It doesn't matter if you write fanfiction, create fanart, write essay posts or headcanons or whatever. I have a firm belief that creative people pour so much of themselves into their work that, if given enough material and studied enough, you can get a glimpse of their soul. Even if done unintentionally, we project ourselves into these works; the characters, themes, conclusions, everything.

Am I suggesting that Adam was secretly a bisexual mastermind who threaded queerness throughout the entirety of ANF and we were all too blind to see it? No, and if he did, then he needs to step forward and tell me so that I can study ANF frame by frame to compile the secret evidence into a new essay.

...Actually, on second thought, maybe don't do that to me, Adam.

My point is, yes, it's true that it's likely Javi being bi was added in at the last minute... but can we really dismiss Javier as "not bisexual enough" when Adam had influence over Javi's character throughout the whole season? And I ask again: is the casual queerness of Javier bad?

Time to speculate and answer some of those questions about Javier

Let's talk about Kate for a minute. She is Javier's main love interest, whether you choose to accept her feelings or not, so she can give us a good point of reference for what Javi looks for in a partner.

Kate and Javi share a similar sense of humor that bounces well between the two. Kate wants to travel, Javi's well traveled from his time as a profession baseball player. They both exist in this space of "we're kind of the family screw up." Granted, Javi's more in it than Kate is, but you can see parts of her that come through where she's a little rebellious, a little not good enough [ironically]. They both feel trapped in their situations; Kate in her marriage, Javi in a slow downward spiral of not knowing what to do with himself now that he's booted from his career. They have complicated relationships with David, and together, they've raised Gabe and Mariana through the years after they believed David was dead.

They're a lot alike in many ways, so this is hardly an opposites attract type of romance.

What's interesting is if you then look at Jesus, he has some similar qualities to Kate; a sense of humor even when things are looking bleak, they to help and protect people, are willing to throw themselves in danger to save Richmond. Then if you add Eleanor, the other person Javi has some flirtatious dialogue with, you can apply those qualities to her, as well... though the big difference with her is Eleanor sells the group out because she wants to stay.

With the little information we have, we can speculate on Javi's preferences. He prefers someone more similar to him. I know, I know, everyone loves a good opposites attract tale, they're so different but similar at their cores, they fill in each other's gaps, yada yada... except not everyone is like that, obviously.

My working theory is that a partner who would act as the opposite of Javi would be someone who acts like David... and does Javi really want to date someone like his brother? Though that then opens up a whole can of worms since if Javi and Kate are so similar, and David married Kate... this isn't an essay about David, but that's certainly a thing to chew on.

With that, I suppose we can answer the question, "But if Javi's bi, why didn't he flirt with any men prior to Jesus?"

What men?

No, seriously, where are all these men Javi's supposed to flirt with? Are they hiding? I know you hid them in the game, Adam, where are they?

Wait, do you mean Tripp?

I don't want to step on the toes of any Javi/Tripp shippers out there, but let's actually think about this. When we meet Tripp, Javi's just been separated from his family. He was knocked out and tied up by these assholes who caught him siphoning their gas, then this teenager cut down a tree which resulted in him getting into a car accident. Said teenager then tried to rob him before agreeing to escort him back to his family but first, they gotta go to Prescott. I wouldn't say Javier's in the flirtatious mood by the time he meets Tripp.

But he can flirt with Eleanor, right?

So, why not Tripp?

Because Tripp is a man and he has feelings for Eleanor. That's made quite clear from ep1. He told Javi that he and Eleanor had a thing once. Sure, Javi could still harmlessly flirt with him, but have we stopped to consider that Javi isn't as confident with openly flirting with men like he is women? After all, who initiated the actual flirting between him and Jesus in ep5? That would be Jesus, and it happens after the danger is over and Javi doesn't have to worry about dying for a little bit.

Listen, I understand that Tripp is big. He's built like the lumberjack of our dreams. He has a nice beard. He's not afraid to talk about his feelings even when he fumbles all over them. He's strong and caring and brave. He could easily toss me over his shoulder like I'm a sack of flour and then throw me across the room... what's not to love? Surely, if Javi actually liked men, he would've made a move on Tripp at some point.

Except, would he? Is Tripp even Javi's type? Because I'm pressing X to doubt.

Also, why does he need to?

This is where I question why some people think Javi has to flirt with a bunch of men to "prove" he's bisexual? I'm sorry, do you believe there's a quota all bisexuals have to meet to maintain their membership card? You have to flirt with this many genders a month otherwise they'll revoke your premium status?

Sometimes I wonder if people unintentionally lean into the "promiscuous bisexual" stereotype, or if they do genuinely believe that bisexuals have to express interest in multiple people of different genders in order to prove themselves queer enough.

Did we ever stop to think that Javi's just not like that? An open flirt, I mean. Yeah he's charismatic and funny and all that, but Kate, Eleanor, and Jesus all initiate the romantic dialogue with him first; Kate tells him she needs to get laid hint hint, Eleanor calls him pretty, and Jesus calls him a real charmer.

Tripp never gives him any indication that he's interested or that he even likes men, so why would Javi make a move?

As for any other man? Again, what men? Max? Dr. Lingard? Clint? Conrad? And forget adding a new character to ANF; it could barely handle the characters it already had and you want to add a new one just for Javier? Let's face it, Tripp was the best option and that's just it, he wasn't an option.

"But my Javi WOULD flirt with Tripp and the game didn't give me the option!"

And there it is.

Javier isn't your OC

ANF isn't a massive RPG where starting a new game brings you to a character creation menu, and you get to decide every factor about the character you want to play.

ANF is an episodic, point-and-click Telltale game, and Javier isn't your OC. Like with Lee and Clementine, there are some things you just don't get a say in, and I think that gets to the player sometimes.

When I sit down to play a Dragon Age game, I go into it knowing that my character is mine, I get to decide who they are and who they're interested in. DA as an RPG has the capacity to give me a bunch of romantic options both in and out of my party that shape who my character is.

When I sit down to play TWDG, I go into it knowing that while I have my own Lee, Clementine, and Javi, I didn't create them but I am influencing who they become. I know it's a Telltale game, and that means limitations.

These games have always had the "illusion of choice" criticism chucked at them from the beginning. Usually that pertains to the choices you make that affect the overall story, but ultimately don't matter in the end.

For example, it doesn't matter if you save Carley or Doug because no matter what, they both die. My counter-argument for this has always been that the choice does matter in the way that it shapes your playable character, and how if affects the characters around you. A Lee who saved Doug over Carley had reasons for making that choice, and in turn, has a different experience going forward than a player who chose to save Carley.

Does it matter who shoots Duck in the woods after he's bitten? Or if he's left to turn? No matter what, he's going to die, so is that the illusion of choice? I don't believe so, because it does matter. It affects player experience.

That being said, I believe players who become invested in this series, especially those who engage in fandom, develop a warped sense of what should've been, forgetting the nature of a Telltale game. I know this because that's the foundation my blog was built on.

Javier Garcia isn't a blank slate. You didn't create him. He had a life before the start of the game, he has a personality that you didn't choose for him, and there are things you have no control over. If anything, we act as an influence over the TWDG playable protagonists. Most every option given is something that could reasonably play into their character. I say "most" because we all remember that [GLASS HIM] moment where Javi tells David that Kate's going to leave him and we were all like "THAT'S NOT WHAT I THOUGHT THAT OPTION WAS!" and it felt out of character.

Anyway, you don't dictate who these characters are but you get sway over the direction they take.

Javi can be a real prick to everyone, but that plays into the selfish and entitled part established with his character from the beginning. You can play him as genuine, trying to step up and do better for the sake of his family, another thing brought up from the very beginning.

"But why couldn't I make Javi flirt with Trip!?"

Because it's not an option. I don't know what else to tell you. I don't know what you want me to tell you.

ANF is a Telltale game that centers about Javier Garcia. It's a story about a man who, prior to the outbreak, screwed up and was wasting his life away. His relationship to his family sat upon a rocky foundation, crumbled by his own hands. He wasn't even there when his father died. We follow this man through a story of a family trying to survive, we watch him reunite with his brother and risk losing everything that kept him grounded and going. He experiences grief and anger and sorrow and happiness. In the end, he comes out of it all a different man, for better or worse.

That man just also happened to be bisexual.

And that's the thing: This isn't a story about Javier's sexuality. He isn't going around making moves on these elusive men that mastermind Adam Esquenazi Douglas maybe hid in the game somewhere because the game isn't about Javi liking men.

It's a game about his complicated relationships with Kate and David made messy by Kate being in love with him, and whether or not Javi loves her, too.

It's about Javi helping Clementine back on her path after she's been alone and bitter for so long. It's about them fighting to take down a group of people doing really shitty things to other communities. It's about losing Mariana and avenging her by killing the man who shot her. It's about Gabe feeling conflicted about his father, a man he always wanted to be just like, after realizing that David isn't this idealized figure Gabe thought he was.

It's about the promise Javi made to his father.

The fact that Javi happens to be bi doesn't matter in the grand scheme of the plot. It's just something that's apart of who he is, but because it's a small detail we feel was added in at the last minute, we decide it's not enough.

But what if it is enough? Do we even truly know what this concept of "enough" is?

Throughout writing this piece, I've found myself in a loop.

I'm happy Javier is bisexual. -> But should I be? -> We shouldn't settle for crumbs, we deserve more explicit representation. -> But is there really anything wrong with casual representation where the story doesn't focus on sexuality? It doesn't take away from other stories that do. -> I'm happy Javier is bisexual. -> But should I be?

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Queer stories are important and our voices need to be heard. We need stories that don't shy away from experiences that are hard to stomach. We need queer stories told by queer people. We need stories that are unapologetic, that aren't afraid to face their audience with pride. Stories that don't say "yeah but we have to bend a little to the bigots to maximize our profits." We need these stories that inspire us, hurt us, make us cry and piss us off. We need queer stories with happy endings that give us hope, that push us to seek a better future so that new generations of queer people don't feel alone in their struggles. We need queer stories that make us feel heard, seen.

Do stories with casual representation of queer characters fit in there somewhere, too? I think they do, because TFS is a casual representation story.

Clementine is bi and it isn't a big deal; she never has a moment where she's openly questioning, she doesn't have this big coming-out scene, there's no tears shed or anything. She isn't stomping around with her bi pride flag and announcing who she is with a heartwarming speech.

She just is.

Same thing with Violet. She never comes out to Clementine as a lesbian, no one ever calls her that, she just is.

Clementine's romance with Violet is treated just as it is with Louis, sincere and normal. No one questions her or Violet because to the Ericson crew, it is normal. They knew Violet and Minerva were together before but no one has any quips about it, positive or negative.

If you romance Violet but then save Louis, he makes mention that Clementine and Violet are close so why save him? But Louis, for as much as people side eye him for making jokes and never taking anything seriously, doesn't say anything more. He could've made a joke, "Ah, you like girls, I guess I never stood a chance then, haha." He doesn't, because it's not something out of the ordinary for him and it's not something he feels the need to pry over.

If you go fishing with Violet and Brody, you find the carved heart with Violet and Minerva's initials and AJ asks what it means. Clementine can tell him they were girlfriends, and AJ doesn't go, "Oh, that's weird," or "Huh, I didn't know girls could like each other." He just goes, "Oh. Love." and moves on because he grew up differently, it isn't a big deal to.

Even the antagonists aren't out here spewing homophobia, at least that I recall.

The Ericson crew are a generation that understands and accepts. Where Clementine could end up with either Louis or Violet and no one will raise a brow, or even feel compelled to signal their alliance like, "Ah, yes, I am accepting of you and your choice, good for you, I am an ally, I'm making this about me."

The Final Season of TWDG is great, and it proves that the writers at Telltale at the time wanted to explore these topics earnestly. It wasn't pandering or trying to score "woke points" with the LGBTQ+ community like some bigots will insist. If it were, it would've been way more obvious about it, I think.

Casual queer stories or serious stories that tackle the hardships of being gay?

Like the bisexual I am, I like both and everything in between.

Clementine didn't need to prove her bisexuality as "enough" in TFS, but since the circumstances were different, did Javier?

I'm going to take the potentially controversial road and say no. I understand why we wish they did more, and I understand why people have frustrations over creators dropping that information without actually having to commit in their work... but I also have some appreciation for the casual reveal of Javi being bi, regardless of why it was dropped.

Javier is valid. He didn't need to "prove" anything.

In a way, I believe we do have some control over the portrayal of Javier, and that's by engaging in fandom. If you were disappointed that Javi's queerness wasn't explored in game, then find a fic that does explore that side of him, or write your own. Engage with other people and their work about it. Comment on fanart, fics, and thought pieces. Write brain dumps. Find other Javi/Tripp shippers and prove me wrong, prove that Tripp is indeed Javi's type and have fun while doing it.

Telltale gave us the crumbs, so let that inspire us to bake a cake.

I don't think this concept of "not enough" is the most productive way we could go about discussing topics like this. Not everyone has the same level or standard, and every work is a unique case. But I think it is fun and productive to share ideas of what we would've done differently so that it may inspire us.

ANF, for all of its flaws, could be a tool used to teach us where our priorities are in storytelling, and influence what we want to create ourselves.

In conclusion: Javier Garcia is enough to me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to crawl back to my bog and begin research into the meaning and metaphors behind walkers and their existence.

But before that, I want to give a big thank you to @pi-creates for making the Javi gif used in this essay, as well as for listening to all my bullshit during the writing process.

80 notes · View notes

fungiwalker · 4 months

Text

change your name, change your mind, and leave this fucked up place behind

In which Clementine is an infallible witness, and David Garcia does as he pleases.

after

It could be hours Clementine spends sobbing into her arms. It could’ve been decades, centuries, millennia. It could’ve been an eternity, with the world flipped once again on its axis and all the walkers have vanished. Nothing else lives but her and the endless ache and fear and there is no sound save for her wails.

Eventually, after so long, her body gives in to either thirst or exhaustion or something inbetween, and she falls silent.

The sun warms her tear-stained cheeks, and she looks up. Sunlight peers through the holes in the boarded windows. She had never been good at fastening things like that, her hands clumsy and her arms weak from walkers. Kenny would have been good at it. He’d promised her, I’ll get those boards fixed up soon. I promise. But he wouldn’t. He’d lied to her, and it was the most devastating thing in the world.

She can taste blood. Her throat aches in the most horrid of ways, and her head is beginning to throb with a headache that is certainly going to linger.

Was this what it was like to die of a broken heart? She had heard about it. She’d even seen it. Katjaa had gone out like that. She remembered the night it happened, with the sun hanging low in the sky and lighting up the world in orange. She remembers Lee's soft voice explaining, "Duck is dying, honey," and she understood immediately. She had watched Katjaa carry her dying son into the woods. It was weird, watching someone who ran everywhere he went have to be carried to his deathbed. But death was kind to no one.

She had heard the gunshot ring from the trees, and watched crows jerk out of the branches in a panic-- there's a predator, sound the alarm! The silence that had followed had been deafening. Lee had shaken his head, another day, another death, and Kenny's shoulders had sagged and his eyes had gone dark. Katjaa couldn't handle it, Lee had told her after the fact. She just... gave up. But Clementine didn't think she could give up. AJ was still alive (she really hoped so) and there was still so much to be done that she didn't think it'd be okay to just give up. Not after the look on Kenny's face, kill them all for me; she couldn't rest peacefully after that. Not after what had happened. After all, she had fought for.

Her knife rests heavy in her pocket. The gun glitters in the dying sunlight.

If AJ was gone for good, she didn't think she could force herself to go on any longer. She's sure that, if he hadn't already, Kenny would have joined her.

before

All it took was a single gunshot, and the rabbit was down.

Clementine watched in guiltless fascination as it twitched and died, legs jerking out underneath it in a brown blur—a crimson stain spread over the snow, blood washing out of its insides in waves. For a moment, for a quiet, tender moment, she is tempted to dip her fingers in the entry wound and feel the lifeblood slip from its veins. She has never been one to fear death, but to believe in it is something else entirely. Could this be her, one day or the next, bleeding out into the snow?

The thought should have disturbed her. It didn't.

She knelt on the ground, scraped knee pressed into the frost. Warily, as though the rabbit would come alive and snap at her, she ran her hand over its flank, feeling where it was beginning to grow cold. Something about this moment, where man and beast alike passed on, was intimate. Sinful, even. She felt perverted for touching it, even though she had caused this.

"Nice catch," a gruff voice called from behind, followed by the heavy shuffling of footsteps through the grass. "You're improving."

She glanced over her shoulder, a smile worming its way onto her face. She wasn't a bad shot by any means, but something about hunting bothered her more than she liked to admit. At first, she had been hopeless, leaving bulletholes wedged into the trees every time she took aim and fired. Now, gone were the days where she'd hang her head in embarrassment, unable to live it down. She'd be the winner of their game, eventually. "Thanks," she replied. "Think I'll ever get as good as you?"

Kenny's brow twitched upwards as he squinted, peering at the infant in his arms. "What do you think, AJ? You think she'll get as good as me?" Of course, AJ didn't reply, but he blinked his soft brown eyes and dribbled spit all over himself.

On days like these, this could be Georgia, and she could be in the first grade again.

after

Javier García isn't a bad man, that she knows almost instantly.

Clementine kept silent on the drive back to Prescott, gripping the steering wheel as tight as she could. She had fought him for the right to drive, and eventually, she'd won. Okay, you win, he snapped, voice harsh with annoyance. She had been satisfied after that and decided that silence was a valid option.

She isn't too sure about Javi, not really, but she knows a bad man when she sees one, and he doesn't fit the part. He was awkward, in the Reggie kind of way where he didn't really know how to act around children (was she a kid anymore?). He had cracked a joke once or twice, but she'd furrowed her brow and kept stoic. He wasn't particularly funny, but he was charming enough. She would have liked him, but the name García leaves a sour taste in her mouth. Coincidence, she thought rationally. But is it?

"So," he said after a long silence. "Clementine."

He says her name like it's a line of poetry. Slow and silvery. Clementine. She isn't sure if she likes that or if it makes her nervous.

She considers keeping silent, but his voice coaxes a response out of her, "What?"

He looks at her like she's something hopelessly annoying, but she gets that look often enough that she doesn't mind. "This... loner, thing you have going on. That's no way to live." He also talks like he knows her. Like somehow, somehow, he knew everything about her.

"No one lives anymore," she replied, though that's not her words. Kenny had told her the exact ones before, and she had stuck to that idea. "We're all just waiting around to die."

"Jesus, how old are you?"

"Thirteen." At least, she's pretty sure.

He laughs, though it's more of a huff through his nose than anything. "You're unbelievable." No, he's not a bad man, but an annoying one. He reminded her of Kenny, but only his best aspects on his best days. Not too funny. Not entirely charming, but something about him was endearing. Not too polite, not too mean.

In another life, this was her and Kenny and AJ, and she was learning to drive.

after

They aren't two hours into their return to Prescott when Clementine kills a man.

Her entire arm stings with the echoes of the gunshot. She can feel nausea chittering in the back of her throat. Her legs tremble with the effort of keeping her standing. I killed him. I killed him. She can taste blood in her mouth. Isn't too sure if it's his or her own. "Fuck," is all she says.

Fuck is right. Her jacket was stained with crimson. She felt like she was going to be sick.

Javi stands shocked, rocked, and confused like a rabbit shot in the dome. His eyes are comically wide, his mouth hanging open in bewilderment. He looks at her, back at the man, then at her again, like she has any more answers than he does.

Lies come to her naturally.

“Tell them,” she panted, “tell them he was going for his gun. Tell them he would have killed you if I didn’t…”

But she isn’t feeling too certain this will work. These people have known her for three weeks and all of those three weeks she’s been nothing but trouble. She doesn’t like most of them and none of them like her. Her blood runs cold at the idea; they’re going to fucking kill me for this.

Tripp is furious.

Javi is a good liar.

No, no, not a bad man.

inbetween

Clementine had never begged before.

She can’t remember there ever being a need for it. Not even when it looked like death was imminent. She kept quiet and set her jaw and kept her pleads to herself.

But right now, right then, she lost it.

”Please, please don’t do this, you can’t do this—“

She was babbling. Desperate helpless pleading and sobbing and crying. You can’t do this they can’t please god you can’t.

Kenny is on the ground. He was looking at her with his sad eyes. Kill them all for me.

The gunshot echoed throughout the forest.

AJ cries and cries and cries.

Her life is over in a matter of minutes.

before

The first time Kenny had yelled at her was when Sarita had died.

Clementine wasn’t used to being yelled at. Sure, she got her fair share of grief from the group, but no one ever shouted. Even Rebecca didn’t raise her voice at her. She wasn’t sure if she should be appreciative, or be annoyed they didn’t take their anger seriously because she was just a kid. No one was a kid anymore. But Kenny was the softest. He only raised his voice at other people, but he talked to her like he did love her. It did funny things to her insides like when Lee would call her sweetpea and her parents would call her honey. Things like that.

But all good things never really lasted long, and that feeling shattered.

Her axe is still trembling in her hand as she and Sarita look at each other. Sarita is like a deer in headlights, clutching her wrist (no hand), eyes wide, staring at her like You killed me, my god, you killed me. She fell to the ground with a quiet thump, like she had passed out and was going to be okay. She was just tired.

Kenny’s voice comes next. “What the fuck did you do?”

Clementine’s whole body flinches at the sound of his voice. He’s angry, he’s really angry, and she messed up badly. She doesn’t understand many things but she understands that she just made a horrible mistake. “I thought— I thought I could…”

He looks at her like she’s a monster. “You… you stupid fuckin’ kid!” He cradles Sarita in his arms. Holds her like she’s the most precious thing in the world. He runs away.

The herd walks on.

Clementine stands very still.

after

After all this time, Clementine still isn’t used to being yelled at.

She does a full-body flinch as the gun in Conrad’s hand swings in her direction, aimed right at her forehead. There’s nothing but hate in his sharp eyes, and strangely enough, she’s reminded of that day at Howe’s. You stupid fucking kid.

”What the fuck?” Gabe rose to her defense. Of course he does. She liked Gabriel García well enough. He's sweet and stupid, and just enough like her in the way he can survive. But he's short-tempered and angry, and she's sure this will escalate with his input. She isn't sure if she should be flattered or tell him to shut up.

She isn't too sure about what Javi will do. For now, he watches in silence, a frown set on his face like he isn't quite sure whose side to take. His eyes narrowed slightly, staring at Conrad curiously yet cautiously. "Just take it easy.”

Take it easy. Nobody could ever really take it easy. She was New Frontier and maybe it was all her fault these things had happened, in some awful inconceivable way. She can remember Francine and all those people at Prescott that were victims of the New Frontier, and she wondered, is it all because of me?

Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn’t.

Conrad doesn’t budge. He talked about trading her off to the New Frontier, for safety for weapons for anything, and all she can think is she needed to get away now.

after

Conrad is dead.

She doesn’t understand why.

She asked, and Javier García had no answer for her.

before

Clementine loved AJ.

God, she loved him with everything she had. But it was so fucking easy to hate him.

She leaned against the wall, listening to him fuss over something or other. Sound attracts walkers, she thought, sound attracts walkers. You need to shut him up. But she can’t bring herself to get up and comfort him. They all needed a little fucking comfort. Where was her comfort?

She regretted the thought as soon as it came to her. It was selfish and childish and Kenny would probably slap her for thinking of something so outlandishly stupid. But she would take it with pride and stick it out until she was black and green from the amount of times he’d hit her. She just didn’t care.

If it weren’t for AJ, she wouldn’t be here. She wouldn’t be stuck in the middle of the woods, alone, waiting for the old man to come back. She wouldn’t be stuck with Kenny, someone who didn’t even like her all that much and yet still tried to take care of her, though it was mostly, entirely, AJ he worried about. Maybe if AJ had never existed she would still be with the cabin group, still be with Luke and Rebecca and Jane and all those other folks. None of them had ever treated her great but she would give anything to have someone who would tell her it would all be okay.

If it weren’t for AJ, she wouldn’t be starving. He constantly drove the animals away with all his whining.

But she loved him. She’d die for him. She’d do anything for him. But there was always that trace of hatred in her mind that would never go away, no matter how hard she tried.

God, she was so sorry.

after

Reunions between sworn enemies were supposed to be grand.

Clementine had pictured this countless times, twisting her gun in hand. She imagined David’s look of surprise, of hatred, because how dare she still be alive after he drove her away. And maybe she’d kill him. Maybe she wouldn’t. Murder was murder and violence was violence, but both of those things sickened her. She wasn’t sure if she could kill David even if she tried her hardest.

But right now, David looked like he could care fucking less about her. She had her gun aimed at him and he didn’t care.

“Look at me, motherfucker,” she snapped, but her voice was wavering and her head was pounding and all she was doing was begging at this point. “Look at me.”

David glared at her, like she was the wrong one. Like she was the murderer who had taken everything from him. “Put your gun down, Clementine,” he said slowly, holding his hands up in surrender. But he’s not surrendering. Not a chance. His gaze darted to his family, who were watching from afar in dumbstruck silence.

Jesus watched, too. She doesn’t know the man well, practically not at all, but he’d asked her once, why do you hate David so much and she found herself telling him everything. His eyes are soft and sad. Don’t you fucking look at me like that don’t you dare please just stop fucking looking at me.

”You—“ Clementine’s voice broke, and then started up again. She felt on the verge of passing out. “I’m going to fucking kill you. I’m going to kill you for what you did.” She’s going to cry. Right in front of all of them. Right in front of the growing crowd of onlookers. She doesn’t care that his entire family save for one is watching. She doesn’t care. She’s going to kill him she has to please she can do it.

“Clem, you don’t have to do this.” Javi took a step towards her.

“Don’t you fucking say that!” She’s shouting like a wild animal, probably looked like one, too. Her head was pounding, her heart was racing. Her hands were shaking so badly they might fall off. “You don’t know what he did. You have no fucking idea what he did to me.”

AJ is dead. Kenny’s dead. Everyone is fucking dead. Everyone she’s ever loved and who has ever loved her is dead and gone. She could be dead right now, a disembodied spirit hanging in the void, hanging in the limbo of the inbetween. No matter how hard she should try to escape, to hold to life she will always be trapped in the void, in death, carrying the burden of it with her forever and ever.

There is a long suspended moment of silence.

David is furious. He’s one of those men that felt they could take from anyone without consequence. That their actions were the only ones that truly had any meaning. More tears sting in her eyes, because all that reminded her of was Kenny. “Listen, Clementine,” he demanded, but his voice is soft. There’s an almost guilty look in his eyes.

Guilty.

Clementine can’t even hold on to the fragments of his apology. She nearly staggered, the gun nearly dropping out of her hands and onto the floor. She can barely breathe.

He tells her that AJ is alive. That he sent him off to somewhere. A ranch. But the worst thing David García told her was;

”I’m sorry, Clementine.”

You’re not sorry. You just want to live, you just want to survive. No one is ever sorry for what they do to me.

That was finally when she broke, staggering horrible gasping sobs leeching their way out of her. She can’t even aim properly anymore. Maybe it’s a good thing when Javi slowly took the gun out of her hand, watching her with those pitying eyes. No one’s ever sorry.

after

David is dead.

They tell her the day after the fact. Clementine hasn’t seen him since that day he tried to kill his own brother, since that day she’d put her gun to his head for the second time and had been too afraid to pull the trigger.

Gabe sat next to her in the bed of a truck, holding her hand in his. “How are you?” He asked her finally.

And again, Clementine felt those selfish thoughts creeping up inside of her. She wanted to start wailing, start blubbering like AJ did when he was upset. But she doesn’t. She stared up at the moon and the stars, which came as they always did, every single night. “I think I’m okay,” she said, her voice so raspy she doesn’t even really recognize it as her own. She should be asking if he’s okay. His father is dead. But she doesn’t. Because as casually as she decided she would kill David, once upon a time, she has decided she is going to leave and never come back.

Gabe doesn’t seem to mind. He holds her hand. He doesn’t speak to her. He is eerily quiet.

David is dead, and somehow, inconceivably so, everything is worse now.

after

After everything, Clementine is the one to leave.

People had left her, one after the other. Whether they made that choice willingly or not, they left her either way. But today, it’s her turn to make that choice. She found she regretted it far more than she should have.

Javier sat with her on the last day. He doesn’t seem to mind that she doesn’t want to talk to him. That she doesn’t want to talk to anyone. “How are you holding up?” He asked. He always managed to find the perfect way to talk to her; not like the kid everyone thought she was, and not like a total stranger. “I heard you didn’t sleep too good last night.”

“I slept fine,” is all she said in reply.

She didn’t, not really. Some part of her wanted to reconsider leaving. To reconsider everything. But she thought of AJ, scared and alone and not dead like she’d always thought.

He looked at her, disbelieving. “You don’t have to leave, you know. There’s a place for you in Richmond.”

She shrugged, trying to phrase it in a way that wouldn’t hurt him. ”It’s a place I don’t want.”

He pursed his lips, looking away. He was one of the few people who could look at her the longest without tearing their gaze away. He can’t look her in the eye anymore. “Then… I hope.. I hope you find AJ. And then, you can come back.”

She nodded. “I’d like that.”

It is left unspoken between them that she will never come back, and that she hopes she never sees Richmond again as long as she lives.

#alternate universe #hmm this fic is angsty #i also wrote this one a while ago #but hey #whatever #just thought id post #clementine twdg #twdg s3 #javier garcia #david garcia #kenny twdg

9 notes · View notes