#ugh anyways. idk if I should tell my doctor all of this or if she’d even care (probably not)

[izzielizzie]

You Belong with Me by Taylor Swift for Maeve/Luis?

Yes, oh my god I haven’t posted any writing in forever and this is so long but hopefully it’s worth it? Idk, I’m just happy my writer’s block is gone. So you know, send in asks and all that jazz. Also, enjoy!

You're on the phone with your girlfriend She's upset, she's going off about something that you said

Maeve hated eavesdropping, and she knew it was wrong, but it was hard to ignore the shrill voice on the other end of Luis’s phone. Maeve had wandered into the kitchen about five minutes after Bronwyn’s Christmas party started an hour ago. She told Bronwyn, who was still glowing her just-saw-Nate-for-the-first-time-in-months glow, that she was going to get a glass of water, but if she was being truthful as she sat on the cold granite with the bag of chips she fished out of her mom’s hiding spot, she really just couldn’t deal with being around people whose lives extended past Bayview High. She was perched on the counter, her legs pulled up to her chest. It was unusually warm for two days before Christmas, and Maeve felt weird in shorts and a knitted red pullover. 

Luis didn’t notice her. Not that she expected him to. In his grand life, Maeve was pretty irrelevant, but one does expect to be noticed in their own kitchen. She didn’t really want to be seen anyway, so she paused the Beatles album playing on the kitchen speaker. 

Maeve watched out of the corner of her eye as Luis paced around the hardwood floor with his phone a few inches away from his ear. His left hand was tugging relentlessly at his hair. After a few non-committal grunts, Luis turned off his phone, stuffed it in his pocket, and returned his hands to his hair where he tugged aggressively. 

'Cause she doesn't get your humor like I do.

“You’re gonna make yourself go bald you know,” Maeve said after Luis stood in the same spot for a minute, his hands tugging at his hair. Luis jumped and turned to look at her.

“What are you doing here?”

“I mean, it is my kitchen.”

“True.” Luis crossed the kitchen until he was right next to her. “Should you be sitting on the counter?”

“Probably not, but I’m hardly heavy.” Maeve extended her left leg, shifting herself until she was at the end of the counter. She hooked her foot around a stool from the island, and pulled it towards them. She shifted back onto the counter. “There. Have a stool.”

Luis smiled. “Thanks Maeve.”

“No problem. Was that Vanessa?”

“Yeah.”

“What was she yelling about?” 

Luis took a deep breath and Maeve realized that possibly wasn’t the most tactful question. Not only because Luis’s girlfriend was constantly yelling, but because she just made it clear she was listening to his conversation. 

“You don’t have to answer that.”

“No, no it’s okay. She’s just being a bitch about something I said.”

“What did you say?”

“Nothing really. Except that I had the audacity to make a joke.”

“Are you okay?”

“I will be if you don’t tell her I called her a bitch. And if you don’t repeat my duck joke. I think she thought I was talking about her.”

Maeve giggled. She knew Luis’s jokes could be out there sometimes. 

“It’s absurd, I know. But god she kills me sometimes,” Luis said after a moment of silence. 

Maeve didn’t know how to respond, so she passed him the bag of chips with an apologetic smile.

I'm in the room, it's a typical Tuesday night. I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like.

“What are you doing in here? Why aren’t you with everyone else?” Luis’s question was a reasonable one, but it still stung.

Maeve shrugged. “I wanted to be alone I guess.”

“Alone with potato chips and the Beatles?”

“Just about,” Maeve said with a smile. 

“Vanessa hates any music from before the nineties.”

“Do you?”

“Nah, I grew up with the Beatles.”

“I did too.”  

And she'll never know your story like I do.

“It must be weird. To be the youngest out of all of us. I mean, you’re only a junior.”

“Yeah, it is.”

“I’m not used to be the youngest.”

“Because four of your brothers are younger than you and only one is older?”

“Just about,” Luis said with a smile, echoing her. His smile dropped for a moment. “Vanessa is convinced I have three brothers.”

Maeve smiled as she stretched her legs in front of her. “She got rid of two of them?”

“Apparently.” Luis titled his head at her. “You look like Bronwyn in that sweater.”

“Do I?” No one ever told Maeve she looked like Bronwyn. 

“Yeah, hold up.” Luis leaned forward, his hands on her hips as he twisted her towards him more. Maeve could feel sparks travel up her sides at his touch. His fingers were under her sweater, pressed against her skin. His dark brown eyes studied her face for a minute. 

“Do I?” Maeve asked, her voice hardly audible.

“Do you what?”

“Look like my sister?”

“Nah,” Luis grinned the first genuine grin she’d ever seen. “You’re prettier.”

Maeve fought off a smile. “Don’t let Nate hear you say that.”

“It’s not my fault if he can’t accept the truth.”

Maeve opened her mouth to say something - she wasn’t quite sure what, she seemed to be running on liquid courage at the moment - but she never got to say anything because Luis’s phone started ringing. He glanced down at it, his grin fading. 

“It’s Vanessa. I should answer it. Thanks for cheering me up.”

“Any time,” Maeve said. 

But she wears short skirts I wear T-shirts

The next time Maeve saw Luis was five days later at Café Contigo. They were having dinner with Cooper before he had to go back to college, and Maeve was feeling increasingly uncomfortable as she stepped through the beaded curtain to the back room when she saw Vanessa standing over Luis’s chair. She was tossing her hair over her shoulder every moment she could, and her skirt was too short for the frigid wind blowing around the building. Maeve tugged at her t-shirt that used to belong to her mother. The shirt was faded so badly the words couldn’t be read, and the shirt, which usually comforted Maeve with its soft fabric and its perpetual coffee and doctor’s office scent - a smell that Maeve associated with her mother - was now facing Maeve’s wrath. She twisted the hem and considered just turning right back around. Being around Vanessa always made her feel like a fool. 

“Have my sweater,” Addy mumbled in Maeve’s ear, pressing the heavy cardigan in her hand. Her eyes were on Luis and Vanessa, her look of disgust evident. 

“Thanks,” Maeve mumbled back. Addy was the only one that knew about Maeve’s crush on Luis. Mostly because she was the one who informed Maeve that the crush existed. 

She's cheer captain And I'm on the bleachers

“Are you exciting to start cheerleading again?” Bronwyn asked Vanessa politely as the conversation died down.

“Of course,” said Vanessa with a smirk. “I’m so glad Luis and I go to the same college. That way I can keep cheering him at football games.”

“That’s great!” Bronwyn sounded too enthusiastic, and she looked like she’d swallowed spoiled milk. Bronwyn was firmly in the “dislike Vanessa” club. Maeve snickered at her sister’s expression, and Vanessa turned to her. Maeve could feel Addy roll her eyes at Vanessa’s hawk like expression.

“Do you still write for the paper?” She asked it in a way that suggested writing for the paper was something awful.

“Sometimes,” Maeve said.

Vanessa smirked. “It must be boring, stuck on the bleachers writing about games.”

It must be exhausting ruining your boyfriend’s life all the time.

Maeve shrugged. “Not really.”  

Vanessa smirked again, but didn’t say anything. 

Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find That what you're looking for has been here the whole time.

“Hey, Maeve, hold up.” Luis grabbed Maeve’s arm at the end of the night as she was about to leave. Bronwyn was going to drive around with Nate, so she was stuck driving home by herself.

Maeve turned and smiled up at Luis. “What’s up?”

Luis looks down at her for a moment before shaking himself and taking a deep breath. “I’m really sorry about Vanessa.”

Maeve, who had been annoyed with Vanessa the entire night, let her anger get the better of herself. “Are you really wiling to spend all your time apologizing for your girlfriend, Luis?” She tugged her arm out of his grasp, ignoring the butterflies that his touch bring forth. Luis didn’t answer, and she didn’t wait for one before stalking out of the door, letting it slam behind her despite good intentions. 

If you could see That I'm the one Who understands you.

Maeve rested her head on her steering wheel after she stormed out of Contigo, letting her heartbeat even out. She didn’t want to let Luis bother her, but Vanessa had been annoying her since the girls had met, and Maeve hated the way Luis let her walk all over him.

She was about to turn her car on and drive home so she could wallow in self pity from the comfort of her window seat when someone knocked on her window.

“Ugh,” she mumbled when she saw Luis outside her car. She loved that boy, she really did, but he wasn’t someone she wanted to see at the moment.

She rolled down her car window. “Hey Maeve,” he said. 

“Hello,” she responded.

“Can we talk for a sec?”

Maeve nodded and reached for the door handle. Luis stepped back, letting her climb out. She hadn’t been able to appreciate how handsome he looked earlier, but as he stood in front of her wearing black jeans and a blue bomber jacket over a white t-shirt, she mentally cursed Vanessa for being lucky enough to end up with him. 

“I have a present for you.”

Maeve blinked at the white takeout box he handed her. “Um, thanks? Why?”

“You’re welcome. And because it took you a minute to point out something I should have realized a long time ago. You get me like that, you know?”

I know.

Maeve nodded. 

“So thanks.” 

“Any time.”

Been here all along. So, why can't you see

“I guess you want to head home?”

“Sort of. My curfew’s soon and my parents are expecting me. They’ll send a search party if I’m even a minute late.” Maeve mentally kicked herself. She probably sounded really childish to Luis. But to her immense relief, he just nodded.

“Your parents are more lenient than mine. If they don’t know where I am at any given minute they think I’ve been murdered.”

Maeve laughed. Luis ran his hand through his hair before reaching forward to touch the end of her cardigan. 

“I wish you hadn’t taken Addy’s sweater. You looked cute.”

“You saw?” Maeve asked. She had hardly even stepped into the room when she accepted the sweater.

“You were the first person I saw.”

“That’s good to know.”

“Where was that shirt from?”

“My mom’s high school field hockey team.”

“Ah. Hockey. Not my sport.”

“But every other sport is.”

Luis winked at her. “I’ll let you go, but hey, Maeve, I’ll see you tomorrow right?”

“Probably. I’ll stop by Contigo for a few minutes.”

“Thank god. Vanessa never does, so you’re the one who lights up my day.” 

You belong with me,

Maeve was practically floating when she climbed the steps to her room after her conversation with Luis in the middle of the parking lot. She’d hid the box from her mom, who’d wanted details about her night and probably would have wanted to open the box with her younger daughter. She was a little overbearing like that.

Maeve pulled off Addy’s cardigan, pausing to fold it neatly and place it on her cluttered desk, before dropping onto her window seat. She gently untied the ribbon around the box, and pulled open the flaps to reveal alfajores stacked neatly, one on top of another. On top of the cookies was a note written Luis’s cramped, slanted writing. 

I know alfajores are your favorite. Enjoy!

- Luis

Maeve smiled down at the box. It struck her then, that she never once told Luis about her love for alfajores. He had just guess after watching her for so long. The idea warmed her from the core. 

You belong with me.

As she bit into the first cookie, her phone buzzed with an unknown number. She unlocked her phone and grinned when she saw the text.

Hey Maeve, it’s Luis. Addy gave me your number, rather enthusiastically might I add

Maeve snorted. Addy really was trying.

Hey Luis

His response came right away.

Hey. Like the present?

Very much, thank you

Luis typed, erased, and typed again. Maeve watched the grey dots linger for an absurdly long time, munching on the cookies as some jazz drifted up from the kitchen. She could see her parents dancing in her mind, and she let herself imagine was dancing with Luis would be like.

Finally, the text came through right as Maeve was going to lock her phone and go downstairs to see if her parents wanted to make hot chocolate with her.

Want to go for a walk or something tomorrow?

Maeve grinned at her phone as she typed her response.  

Walk in the streets with you in your worn-out jeans I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be.

Luis’s first though when he saw Maeve the next morning was that she looked beautiful. She was wearing a striped ribbed shirt tucked into the kind of faded jeans Vanessa would refuse to wear because they were “too tacky”. And Vanessa would most certainly balk at the scuffed black Converse high-tops Maeve was wearing. Now that he thought about it, she never seemed to wear different shoes. Quite the change from Vanessa’s shoe closet. 

Maeve tugged her hair from her ponytail as she stepped in front of him, turning to look at him, her mane of nearly-but-not-quite-curly hair falling to her waist. If walking backwards bothered her, she didn’t show it. There was something childish about Maeve, something Luis wasn’t able to put his finger on. Maybe it was the way she wrinkled her button nose when she was happy, or maybe it was the way she bounced on the balls of her feet when she walked with him, like she was skipping, but not quite. Or maybe it was the way her freckles and amber eyes lit up her face, her dark hair falling down her back and framing her face in a way that made her look like the most beautiful girl in the world. 

If he was being honest with himself, Maeve Rojas was the girl he’d wanted. For over a year. This walk was orchestrated just to spend time with her, and he silently thanked his luck for the fact that she agreed to come. 

Laughing on a park bench thinking to myself, "Hey, isn't this easy?"

“Okay, and then what happened?” Luis asked, doubling over with laughter as Maeve recounted her last interaction with her friend/mortal enemy Lucy Chen.

“Oh she threw a fit. Poor Knox.”

Luis kept laughing, glancing at Maeve to see her shift on the bench and throw her hair over her shoulder. This, spending his time with Maeve, this was easy. Much better than spending time with Vanessa.

And you've got a smile That could light up this whole town.

Maeve grinned at him as he sat up. “I’m glad I could make you laugh.”

“I am too. I needed it.”

Maeve frowned, and he already missed her smile. 

“Please don’t frown at me. Your much prettier when you smile.”

Maeve giggled, her nose scrunching. “Are you suggesting I’m not pretty when I smile?”

“No Maevey,” Luis said, casually resting his arm on the back of the bench, his hand nearly touching her shoulder. “I’m suggesting that you’re pretty at every moment of your life. But your prettiest when you’re happy.”

Maeve smiled at him, and Luis secretly wished she has shifted over and rested her head on his shoulder. 

I haven't seen it in a while Since she brought you down.

“But seriously, Maeve,” Luis said, looking down at her. “Why do you hang out with Lucy? I remember her from last year and she’s nearly as exhausting as Vanessa.”

You say you're fine I know you better than that.

“I’m fine,” Maeve says. Honest, I am.”

Luis gives her his best side-eye. “No, you’re not.”

Hey, what you doing with a girl like that?

“Humph. What are you doing dating Vanessa then?”

“I’m not sure,” Luis answered honestly, surprising himself and Maeve. 

“We’re a mess,” Maeve said.

“We most certainly are.”

She wears high heels,

Maeve, who had been very comfortable here on this bench with Luis, was brought back to reality by the sound of Vanessa’s obnoxious high heels.

“Luis! What are you doing?” she demanded, looking at the two of them.

“Sitting. What do you think?” Luis asked angerly. Maeve noticed with a pang that he’d moved his arm back to his side.

I wear sneakers.

“I see that!” Vanessa snapped. “Sitting with a girl who wears tacky jeans and Converses.”

Maeve rolled her eyes. Vanessa Merriman could say what she wanted, but nothing bothered Maeve. It bothered Luis though.

“Can you, just once, not be awful about everyone? Especially my friends?”

Vanessa snorted but didn’t say anything. “I’m leaving. My car is a block away. Come with me or don’t bother.”

Luis hesitated for a moment before standing and trailing after Vanessa like a dejected puppy. He gave Maeve apologetic look over his shoulder, waving casually as if he hadn’t just broken Maeve’s heart and left the shattered pieces on the bench for her to pick up and haphazardly put back together. 

She's cheer captain, And I'm on the bleachers.

Hope was a dangerous thing, Maeve realized as she sat on the bench long after Luis had left. It filled up people’s most secret, barren corners with an indescribably brilliant feeling, and when it left, it took the feeling with it. 

You like the dream, not the reality Bronwyn had said once. God, Maeve hated it when her sister was right. Because, the thing was, no one would choose short, scrawny, boring Maeve Rojas over a girl like Vanesa Merriman. It was a fact.

Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find That what you're looking for has been here the whole time.

So, Maeve was left to pick up her broken pieces, walk home in the rain, and continue living her dream. 

If you could see That I'm the one Who understands you,

Sorry about earlier was the only text Luis had sent her. Just three words.

Maeve stared at her phone, sitting on her window seat with a bowl of ice cream in front of her. The ice cream had been her mother’s idea. She didn’t know about Maeve’s crush on Luis, but she knew heartbreak when she saw it. 

Maeve wasn’t sure how to respond.

Was it’s fine, but I’m sorry you have to date a girl who doesn’t get you to passive aggressive?

Been here all along.

Was I’ve known you longer too obvious?

So, why can't you see

You’re being blind, idiot was much too mean. Even for her.

You belong with me.

Maeve was a fan of facts. And the most simple one was this: Luis Santos belonged with her. In the end, after consulting Addy, she sent three words back: It’s okay, Luis.

Standing by and waiting at your backdoor.

Luis stood at her back door, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet, subconsciously mirroring Maeve’s movement from earlier that morning, when they had been waiting for their coffee before their disastrous walk. She pushed open her back door after a few minutes. She had changed into sweatpants and an old t-shirt. Her hair was wet, and she still looked as beautiful as he had in the morning. 

“Why’d you come to the back door?” Maeve asked. Luis could read the subtext loud and clear.

Why are you here?

“It seemed better than the front door I guess.”

I just wanted to see if you were okay

“Well, makes sense.”

I’m alright.

“Yep.” Maeve put her hands in her pockets.

Cool

“Yep.” Luis echoed, running his hands through his hair. 

Cool.

All this time how could you not know, baby?

“So, how’s Vanessa?” Maeve moved her arms around, with her hands still in her pockets. She looked like she was flying. 

Are you still dating her?

“She’s fine.”

Yeah, I am.

Maeve nodded. “That’s nice.”

You’re being blind.

“Yeah.”

I know.

You belong with me,

“Well, I’ll see you around, Luis.”

I’m not going to beg.

You belong with me.

“Not if I see you first.”

I know.

Oh, I remember you driving to my house In the middle of the night.

Maeve snuck down her steps to the back door. She had a new understanding of how Bronwyn must feel when she sneaks Nate into the media room. Maeve pushed the back door open to see Luis standing in the door.

“Why in the world did you drive here in the middle of the night?”

“I broke up with Vanessa.” His voice sounded broken and vulnerable. She had never heard him like this.

Maeve didn’t say anything. She just ushered him into the house. 

I'm the one who makes you laugh When you know you're 'bout to cry.

Maeve led Luis down to the media room where they sat side by side on the leather couch, Luis with his head in his hands. Maeve hesitantly rubbed her hand up and down his back. 

“Sorry I just showed up.” He sounded like he was about to cry, and Maeve hated how sad he was.

“Do you think you get restaurant perks if you’re single?” Maeve asked thoughtfully as she rubbed his back. Luis snorted. “It was a serious question. But I’m glad I made you laugh.”

I know your favorite songs,

“What restaurant do you suggest I go to?” Luis asked, humoring her question. 

Maeve thought about if for a moment. “Maybe that one on Elm Street. They play The Beatles. I’m sure if you went at the right time Eleanor Rigby would be playing.” Maeve glanced at him. “That is your favorite song right?”

“Yeah,” he muttered.

“Although it’s kind of sad. But oh well.”

Luis glanced at her. “Is music your only requirement for a restaurant?”

Maeve shrugged. “At least they’re not cooking beetles.”

Luis shook his head at her, a half smile teasing his lips. 

And you tell me about your dreams.

“Did I tell you I want to own a restaurant?”

“You did.”

“I never told Vanessa.”

Maeve turned to him, touching his cheek gently to turn his face to hers.

“Vanessa doesn’t matter anymore Luis. Not really.”

Think I know where you belong,

“I know, but...”

“But what?” Maeve asked.

“But I feel like she still belongs in my thoughts, you know?”

“Sort of. You’re not going to move on from her in five minutes. It’ll take time.”

Luis nodded. “You’re pretty wise, you know that?”

Maeve made a face at him. 

He plowed on. “Who belongs in your thoughts?”

Think I know it's with me.

You, Maeve wanted to say. She only shrugged. “I’m not sure yet.”

Can't you see That I'm the one Who understands you?

Luis smiled at her and sat up, putting an arm around the back of the couch. He still wanted her to lean against her shoulder, but she didn’t. “That’s totally fine, Maevey. You don’t have to spend all your time chasing after someone.”

Maeve snorted. “It’s like you can read my mind sometimes.”

“Nah, I just get you.”

Maeve met his eyes and smiled.

Been here all along. So, why can't you see

“You’ve understood me since we met.”

“Indeed I have, Rojas.”

You belong with me.

“Thanks for sitting with me Maeve, but I think I should head home. I don’t want you to get in trouble with your parents.”

Maeve shrugged. “After Nate and Bronwyn, my mom wouldn’t even bat an eye if I dated a serial killer. Not that I plan to.”

“No one plans to date a serial killer.”

Maeve shook her head. “My thoughts exactly.”

Standing by and waiting at your backdoor. All this time how could you not know, baby?

It took Maeve over an hour to find Luis’s house. Addy’s instructions sucked, but Luis gave her better ones after she asked if she could stop by. She parked her car in front of his house, and she looked down at her phone when it buzzed.

Come by the back

Maeve followed a pretty stone path to the backdoor and stood for a moment before he appeared.

“Hey,” he said, opening the door and stepping out.

“Hey back,” Maeve said. “I had a question for you.”

Luis smiled down at her. “Ask away, Maeve.”

“Wanna get lunch tomorrow. At the pizza place on Elm?”

“Maeve, are you asking me on a date?”

“Yes?”

You belong with me,

“Good, just making sure.”

“Is that a yes?”

“Yes Maeve, it’s a yes.”

You belong with me.

“Oh. Good.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow Maeve.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Maeve was about to turn away when Luis called her back. “Yeah?”

Luis gave her an odd look she couldn’t interpret, but it made her feel warm and happy. “Nothing. See you tomorrow.”

She could understand what he was trying to say loud and clear: thank you for asking.

You belong with me.

“See you tomorrow.”

Of course

Have you ever thought just maybe

The next day, Maeve and Luis ended up on the same bench as the day Vanessa yelled at them. They were talking about everything and nothing when suddenly Luis put his fingers under her chin and turned her head towards his.

“Hi,” he whispered. Can I kiss you?

“Hi back.” Please do.

That wasn’t Luis’s first kiss. Not by a long shot. But he thought, in that moment, that this kiss was the only one that mattered. 

You belong with me?

“I love you Maeve Rojas.”

You belong with me.

“I love you too Luis Santos.”

#maeve x luis #izzielizzie's fics

[itsclydebitches]

Hey! So I saw the AU you wrote about Oz reincarnating into Ruby and was absolutely amazing. The potential there is great. For example, with Yang, in canon, she was hostile Oz all the time, but what would happen if he was bonded with Ruby? Same for her team. Anyway, are you leaving it as a oneshot, or do you intend to continue?

Thank you, anon! :D Sadly right now I only “intend” to continue in the general sense of wanting to complete every plot bunny that’s ever popped into my head... but the reality is I’ve barely got the creative energy for the one WIP I’m posting at the moment. So it’s a oneshot up until some mythical, may-never-exist time in which it’s not lol. But here, take a broad list of things I was thinking about while mulling over this AU: 

Yes! As you say there would be some real tension between Ruby-as-sister and Ruby-as-Ozpin’s vessel for Yang. Same goes for Jaune. For me this would be a chance for them to realize that Ozpin isn’t the evil, manipulative mastermind it’s been easy to paint him as via Pyrrha’s tragedy and Raven’s incredibly biased words. If Ruby is a like minded soul to Ozpin... then what does that say about Ozpin that he so perfectly aligns with the sibling/leader they’d all die for? 

Same sort of “omg this relationship just got weird” for Qrow as he balances his boss/friend in the body of his niece. It’s more lighthearted for him once he works through things though, along the lines of trying to send Ozpin off to bed because he’s his “uncle” and he’s “older.” 

There’s contention in regards to weaponry. Do they carry Ozpin’s cane or Ruby’s scythe? Do they prioritize a defensive, non-combat weapon or one specifically designed to shoot/cut through as many things as possible? (All of which would, obviously, reflect on their different perspectives regarding Salem: do we hack and slash our way through her and her army or play it smart with strategy?) As the two work to find a middle ground they eventually combine their weapons as well. Something something, another soul who upgrades the staff. Something something, Ruby taking after Qrow by having one kind of weapon that turns into a scythe. Something something the gears in Ozpin’s cane are explained. 

In many ways Ruby’s notoriety is a problem. Ozpin doesn’t get to play the anonymous farm boy like he did with Oscar. Many already know who Ruby is - and what she’s like - via the tournament and deeds she’s done, which makes personality changes glaringly apparent. More significantly, she’s already a target for her silver eyes. Ozpin has been trying to protect her since he saw that recording Glynda sent him, but now he has even more of an incentive. He doesn’t care if he dies (again) but taking out Ruby and him simultaneously would be too big a blow to their side. Too big a blow personally given that she’s the first person he’s ever known before reincarnating into them. He’s loved all the people he’s been paired with - they’re literally a part of him - but Ruby is, as in many things, a special case. 

(It also causes more angst than normal for Oz because for the first time he has a crystal clear view of what his vessel's life was like/what their personality was like prior to his arrival. It’s a... disconcerting perspective of something he thought he’d finally gotten used to after a thousand years. 

More discussion/work on their part to balance two souls using one body. Ruby needs a good amount of time to get used to everything, but she eventually realizes that Ozpin only takes control when he has to impart important info/help her in battle and she’s like... don’t you want to just... read a book or something? Go for a walk? Talk to Uncle Qrow?? Yes, I get that you’re being super courteous and letting me keep my life as much as possible but this situation sucks on both ends and it’s not your fault we’re in it so just let me be the disembodied voice for a while. Go do some lame headmaster-y things. 

Sudden Realization™ that omg wait I’m a girl? You’re a guy?? Is this weird?? and Ozpin just chuckles softly, explaining that he’s reincarnated into many women before and doesn’t align himself with either gender fully. Non-binary Ozpin ftw

The conversation encourages Ruby to question her own gender identity/expression and, even if she’s still cis, that questioning was useful, making her feel more confident about the whole I’m-a-girl-housing-someone-I-originally-assumed-was-a-man confusion. They have their own shopping trip where Ruby keeps her combat skirt (“It’s Weiss’ and my thing”) but leans more towards pairing it with masculine vests and ties. 

“Ugh I can’t sleep.” “I’m aware, given that I cannot sleep until you do.” “Shut up! Feeling guilty won’t help us sleep!” “Hmm. Indeed not. Would you prefer that I tell you more about Vacuo’s economics?” “Ew.” “That knowledge will assist you greatly should you ever take another class with Professor Oobleck -” “Doctor Oobleck.” “Ah. Of course. Doctor Oobleck, with the added bonus of lulling you to sleep. Should history, pardon the pun, repeat itself.” “Again sir: ew.” “I see... Then I suppose you likewise wouldn’t have any interest in hearing about their 500 year old weaponry?” “......................go on.” 

Emotional Moment™ where things aren’t going well and Ruby reiterates that all she ever wanted to do was help people. Ozpin - unsure if this is even something she’d want to hear - admits that at the very least she’s helped him. 

Idk I’m touching on a lot of Big subjects but let’s be real, 75% of the story would probably just be the group worrying about their health. Between Ruby’s cookie habit and Ozpin’s hot chocolate habit - and their dual inability to impose any self-restraint - they’re gonna go into a permanent sugar coma one of these days. 

#rwby #rwbyfic #Anonymous

[weareallfallengods]

E.M.Pathos - Chapter 1 - Anticipation (new WIP, unedited)

Jenny was nervous.

First the first time in a very very long time, she was actually nervous. Not apprehensive, not cautious, not anticipatiory, not fearful. Just straight up nervous. For her it was an unusual experience.

It wasn't the tests coming up. No, she'd always strangely enjoyed being tested, measuring herself, having documentation of her own internal competition with herself. No it wasn't the tests. Or was it? She was actually quite excited to be part of this new program, to have been selected for the second round. So what was it?

She looked around the small, sterile waiting room for the hundredth time. 'Waiting room? More like hastily converted scientist's broom cupboard is more like it,' she mused. Stark white plastic chairs with no padding made her shift in her seat again. 

"They could have at least had some out of date 'zine's laying around," she muttered. "I mean what self respecting doctor doesn't have dozens of magazines that are like 5 years old just laying around?"

"Well for one thing, there's not even a coffee table to put em on Jenn-o. Which only makes the lack of coffee even more noticeable."

Trust Dax to complain about missing his morning fix. It didnt seem to matter how far from home they got, he always seemed to find a way to make coffee. Like that one time on Estoc Prime. Jenny shuddered at the memory. That one had been close. A little too close for any sort of comfort. She hadn't been able to look a cup of coffee in the face since then. Ok, sure, poisoning the commander of the ship that had hijacked them with espresso had been a stroke of genius from Dax, but it still brought back too many unpleasant thoughts; not something she needed today of all days. 

'Breathe. Just breathe. Dont think about that right now.'

Dax winced. "Sorry Jen-o. I'm just a bit nervous and having to go off caffeine entirely's made me a little spacey."

"Don't worry about it Dax, I understand. We're both a little jittery right now. You have any idea what to expect this round? I mean, last time, they were just like following me around for months with a bunch of weird cameras and asking a bunch of questions. Idk man, just wondering how this whole 'in-depth examination' thing is going to play out."

"Yeah, don't worry about it too much ay. She'll be right. We always are."

Jenny exhaled deeply again. Her mind was working overtime due to the lack of anything to hold her attention at all. There weren't even any cracks or motes of dust to stare at mindlessly to pass the time. 

"Stop chewing ya nails- you're gonna end up with hands like a Thraxian if ya don't cut that out."

"I'm nervous, Dax. Nervous. Me! Actually nervous. I dont even know why I'm here, much less how both of us got in, what they're going to be doing, whether I'm actually qualified, or any clue what any of the probably thousands of ways I could fuck this up somehow are."

"You worry too much. Over-sensitive, you are. Always have been. Then again, maybe that's why you made it to round two."

They fell silent again. This particular waiting room was definitely not conducive to conversation. Being alone in their own thoughts might have been worse though.

Dax started bouncing his leg rapidly. He was nervous too, but not from the unknown. He was more a combination of anxious and bored. Jenny placed a hand on his knee to still him again.

"Ugh, all that study and no one in IGSARC managed to figure out that bored humans are a dangerous thing to leave unsupervised." 

"We're not dangerous Dax! Jeez how many times do I have to tell you to stop buying into the hype and stereotypes?"

"Oh so you think IGSARC got funding for this second round of research just because they were curious? Nah, somebody on the Council is worried. Or hoping to find an advantage. Something. IGSARC found something they weren't expecting to find, and stereotype or not, I'd wager a month's ration of beer that they're either scared of us, or wanting to exploit us."

"God Dax, you're so negative! Maybe you really do need coffee to survive!" Jenny laughed, the bright sound tinkling around the small room they were ensconced in, brightening the mood instantly.

"Haha, yeah, you're probably right Jen-o. Ahhhh I'm just tired waiting is all! You always know how to make me feel better though.

Jenny smiled at her best friend. They'd been through so many things together, from the first day at the Merchant Academy when she'd accidentally stepped on a Lorathian cadet's tail and nearly started an intergalactic incident when her rush to apologize ended up with her hands in what were for Lorathians, very inappropriate places. Even just thinking of that still made her blush a tiny bit, even if it did make her smile. 

Dax had totally saved her bacon on that one, with his smooth talking, good looks and dazzling charm. The accent probably helped too. Not many actual Australians seemed to be out and about in the galaxy, and she had to admit, the combination of his dark brown skin, beach-blond curly hair and brilliant smile were the perfect combination to be disarmingly noticeable. He'd managed to get the Lorathian talking, and eventually the two sauntered off, Dax with his arm around the other, headed to the Canteen. They'd been fast friends ever since.

'That was such a long time ago now,' Jenny, lost in her own thoughts again sighed. 'Well, it seems like it was a long time ago anyway.'

"How long's it been Dax? Since we met, I mean. Seems like I've known you forever."

"What? You forget me that easily? I'm insulted!" Dax laughed easily. "Probably about as long as we've been sitting in this damn room."

"So what, 5 years?" Jenny chuckled.

"Sounds about right. Fuck we were so much younger then."

Jenny punched him. "Hey! Speak for yourself!"

"Hahaha gotta get the dig in when I can Jen-o!"

Just then, right as she was cocking back to punch him again, the near-invisible door to the room hissed open.

The IGSARC representative did not come in. Their face was obscured by the doorframe, but the clipboard they held was dwarfed by the massively long fingered blue hand that clutched it to their chest like a child's treasured toy.

"I apologize for my tardiness, it was unavoidable. Also, please forgive the sparseness of the accommodations at the moment, our study is only just getting started." The alien scientist had bent down to be able to see into the room better while speaking, and now Jenny and Dax were able to see them properly.

"Ah where are my manners! I apologize again, we are all just so excited about this newest phase! Let us introduce ourselves properly, so if you would be so kind as to step out here, as I am sure it would become even more uncomfortable in there were I to attempt entry."

"We should've just waited in the damn hallway," Dax muttered to Jenny as they stepped out into the large corridor that stretched along the top deck of the starship. 

The view from the glass that looked out into the neighboring nebula from the floor to ceiling glass on one side was truly breathtaking. Or at least, it would have been, had Jenny not been short of breath already, due to the nervousness from earlier slamming back into her like and old earth freight train. The momentary reprieve from it, courtesy of Dax, evaporated as quickly as liquid nitrogen on Mercury. He was right though, the hallway was wide enough that they could’ve driven their ‘spacers to the meeting, parked in the hall and still had enough room left for a dinner party. It just made the cramped waiting room seem all the more ridiculously sized. 

The scientist caught her attention again as they started speaking again.

“Allow me to introduce myself- I am Doctor Itraxilitanthudinilatz of the IGSARC Advanced Research Division. I realize my name is a bit of a mouthful for most humans, so you may call me Doctor Traxi. Firstly, I want to welcome you to the second phase of a very exciting program! We here in ARD are extremely excited to be working with you for the next 18 to 24 months on this groundbreaking area of research. Since today is the first day of the program, we’ll be beginning with a brief tour of the area of the facility that will become your home, your quarters, and the areas of the ship that will be accessible to you. Unfortunately, due to the highly classified nature of our work here together, as well as the parameters of the research, in order to eliminate any external influencing factors, you will not be permitted access to the entire ship, however, we’ve made sure to include a large array of amenites within the research facility’s designated areas, so you should not feel too restricted.”

Of course, Dax raised his hand. 

“Did ya at least make sure there’s a pub in there?”

“Ah. Sadly, at the moment, no, however, being aware of the necessity for many humans to participate in ritual toxification, there will come a stage in this project where that will be made available, but sadly, until we reach that stage, your dietary intake will be strictly monitored, which does include the elimination of any physiologically altering substances, at least for now. But more on that later! We will go over all these things and answer as many of your questions as possible during the orientation period tomorrow. For now, let’s begin the tour!”

As Dr. Thraxi started off down the insanely large corridor, Dax grabbed Jenny’s arm. “Great, first no coffee and now no beer!”

“Yeah I know, you’re torn up about it. OMG Dax, just suck it up for now, you should’ve known what you were signing on for,” Jenny hissed under her breath. “You’re just being a baby about it right now because you haven’t had any coffee for a week.”

“Right, I know, and now it looks like I’m not gonna for ages too!” Dax whispered back. 

“Shush and pay attention!”

“...of course this corridor will be off limits due to it being the main concourse connecting the two main parts of the ship. Our section is coming up, which I hope you will find most adequate.” Dr. Thraxi had been droning on for the couple of minutes that it took them to make it about a third of the way down the observation concourse, when they turned to a side hallway, significantly smaller than the main walk, stopping in an alcove facing a large frosted glass door. Dr. Thraxi placed six of his long fingers on a blank section of the wall next to the door, at which point the door frame lit up a pale blue, and the glass slid open silently like some fey portal to another world. 

A disembodied voice called out softly, “Welcome back Dr. Thraxi. I have detected that you have guests. Are they the new study subjects?” 

“Yes thank you Janet, these are the newest participants in the second phase of our research. Could you please update their files?”

“Of course Doctor. Subject 1, please step forward.”

Doctor Thraxi gestured at Dax, who took two steps forward into the main room. 

“Scanning. Linking data files. Subject 1: Dax Fellowes. Planet of origin: Terra Prime. Age: 35. Height: 172 centimeters. Weight: 95.2 kilos. Species: Human. Genetic Sub-group: Aboriginal Scottish Australian. Hair: Blond. Eyes: Brown. Circulatory system: Internal, Pressurized Atrial system. Condition: Healthy. Respiritory System: Dual internal lung. Primary absorbative content: Oxygen. Condition: Healthy. Registering bio-markers. Profile complete. Please state your name for voice-print identification.” 

“Uh, Dax Fellowes.”

“Registering Ah Dax Fellowes.”

“Oh wait, hold up, that’s not right, my name’s just Dax Fellowes.”

“Adjusting. Voice print identification for Dax Fellowes saved. Thank you.”

“Stupid bloody machine,” Dax muttered to himself as Dr. Thraxi walked past him into the main area of the lab. 

“Jenny, if you could also step forward now so that Janet can scan you as well please.”

She stepped forward into the room, and was instantly too caught up in looking around to pay any attention to Janet’s robotic voice as the scan proceeded. She was too interested in seeing all the other scientists milling about, some lounging and talking in the common area of the room at the far wall, where a window the size of her mother’s old van framed the expanse of deep space, a dark contrast to the low white couches that were currently occupied by several scientists- at least she assumed they were based on the white lab coats that matched what Thraxi was wearing. Off to the side several others were gathered around a couple small tables, chatting and eating. Various posters and artworks were scattered tastefully across the walls. One in particular caught her attention since it seemed to be a hologram representing the birth of a star that was constantly changing and moving in all three dimensions. 

“Please state your name for voice print identification.”

The ethereal voice of Janet snapped Jenny’s attention back to the present. 

“Jenny O’Rourke.”

“Voice print identification for Jenny O’Rourke saved. Thank you. You both may now access all areas of the lab designated Participant Level 1 security clearance.”

“Excellent! Now that you’re registered in the system, let’s get you acquainted with the areas of our facility that you’ll be using most!”

The rest of the hour long tour went by in a blur- both because listening to Dr. Thraxi was just so monotonous, despite their best effort to be engaging, but there’s only so peppy you can be about showing off chairs and toilets, but also because the reality of what she’d signed up for was starting to sink in, as the more and more they saw of the research facility, the more it became clear that she and Dax were the only visible humans in the entire place. Although the variety of species was astounding, even for a deep space vessel, and that one game of four player multi-dimensional chess looked fascinating, Jenny found herself simply letting the information wash over her. 

“...and that brings us to the conclusion of our tour! I hope that the two of you will be comfortable during your stay with us. We all look forward to working with you, and I’ll be introducing you to the rest of the Phase 1 research team tomorrow at 10:00 hours in Conference 3. If you don’t remember where it is, that’s fine, just ask Janet for directions.”

Dr. Thraxi turned to leave Jenny and Dax standing in the middle of what could have passed as a comfortable modern hotel shared suite lounge, his clipboard fluttering slightly at the rapid movement. 

“Oh hey, one more thing Doc!” Dax called out as Dr. Thraxi stepped through the doorway. 

“Yes?”

“Dumb question, but what’s Janet? She a person, a computer, what? I was pretty sure computer, but the responses are pretty personalized.”

“Ah yes, one of our earlier successes actually- Janet, an acronym of “Genuine Artificial Neural Network” is an AI program designed to interface between all of our various systems. We worked quite hard on getting her responses to seem more natural, as well as being able to understand intent over data requisitions.”

“Bonza mate, thanks for the tour,” Dax yawned. “I think I’ll be hitting the sack soon then, been a long day.”

“I understand. Will see you at the meeting in the morning.” Dr. Thraxi stepped back and the door whisked shut.

“What was that about Dax? Like why do you even care what their stupid computer is called?” Jenny was a bit irritated. Bed definitely sounded like a really good option. 

“I don’t give a royal shit what their computer program is called, it can go fuck itself and the rest of this program for all I care. I wanted to ask an innoccuous question to see something.”

“Whoa there boyo, why the hostility all of a sudden? I thought you were all pumped for this program, except for the lack of coffee.”

“Yeah well I was excited for it....until the tour.”

“Ok buddy you’re starting to scare me, what gives?”

“I’m not sure- I can’t put my finger on it yet, but there’s something...off about this place.”

“Damn. I wish you hadn’t said that Dax.”

“Why? Oh no! Oh did I just trigger you again without thinking? You ok?”

“No no, that’s not it, it wasn’t you. This whole place kinda started putting me on edge soon as we walked through those doors too. I kinda tuned the doctor out while they were showing us around, but that gave me more time to look around at everyone else here. You notice we’re the only humans in this facility?”

“Yeah. That we saw anyway.”

“Dax. Don’t make this more melodromatic than necessary. But yeah, no other humans. Ok that could be explained away with we’re the first ones in this section of the study. Fine, i’ll buy that.”

“But…”

“Yeah, there’s always a ‘but’. I hate ‘buts’.”

“Bullshit, you love a good butt.”

“Dax! For real! I’m being serious!”

“I know, I know, I can’t help it, you know me when there’s a chance for an inappropriate joke, I gotta jump on it ay.”

“Not the time man. Anyway. I couln’t tell what was setting me off either, but I just got more and more uneasy as we went through the tour.”

“Yeah me too Jen-o. That’s why I asked ol’ Blueberry Slenderman about the AI. I wanted to see if there was a difference between when he was on-script versus off it.”

“And?”

“Did ya notice the darker purpley markings on his hands and neck?”

“Yeah…”

“Well, they change color slightly- they get darker and lighter. I thought I was seeing things at first, but that last bit confirmed it.”

“So what, his skin changes colors a little. Loads of aliens have that.”

“Right, they do, but this one’s interesting, because the minute we walked through the facility doors, he started lying to us. Right up until I asked him about the AI. And even then, he lied about something in that explanation of what it is.”

“Well duh, of course he was lying- probably not our definition of it though; if his spots react to deception like our pupils do, it could’ve been a reaction to the fact that there’s a lot more going on here than he was covering in the tour, a lot of it’s classified, and a lot of it he’s saving for tomorrow! Doesn’t mean he’s like lying lying.”

“I hope you’re right Jen-o. I hope you’re right.” Dax sighed. She was probably right. She usually was; Jenny had good instincts. Probably one of the reasons she was here to begin with. Then again, so did he. Instincts that had saved his life on more than one occasion, so Dax had learned to trust his gut. And something was definitely not right about this place. 

He just hoped it didn’t bite them in the ass. 

#hasa fandom #scifi #sci fi #writeblr #writer #humans are space australians

[bts-write]

I fucking care- Murphamy Oneshot

A/N: Ahhh I finally finished this!!! For some reason it took a lot longer than I thought it would. I’m disappointed that it’s only my second fanfic for Pride Month but I’m just doing my best. I guess starting halfway through June because of exams slowed me down a bit XD.

Summary: IM SO BAD AT SUMMARIES UGH idk basically they’re all chilling in space (John and co. after Praimfaya- so it’s set after season 4 and before season 5) and John lowkey fancies Bellamy but of course he doesn’t even wanna admit it to himself but he kinda gives himself away cos he does something really cute and Bell is like omg does he like me and he lowkey confronts John about what he did and well...feelings come out and shit is revealed and it’s gay angst so yeah! (I was way too tired whilst writing this intro don’t judge me)

Requested by @bunker-boyfriends

The window looked out on emptiness. Distant stars, a distant Earth. It drove John crazy, being locked in space, the same people day in and day out, no way to escape the fact that he was just another broken light in the circuit of the Ring. There were no distractions. No job that he was good at. And now, no hand to hold his own, no one to whisper reassuringly.

He felt his mood darken further when he saw Harper touch Monty’s arm, drawing him closer, their bodies locking in an embrace. It made him feel colder, as if there was nothing separating him from the icy vacuum outside the window. He tried to turn back to it, to look at the stars instead, but the pain demanded to be felt.

Someone walked to his side and still, John couldn’t tear his eyes away. But then the voice brought more pain, and his eyes moved greedily to look.

“Hey”, Bellamy had greeted.

It had been one word, yet it had hurt more than any happy kisses shared by giggling couples.

“Don’t you have some minor problem to fix? Some decision to discuss with Raven?”

He didn’t want to push him away, but it was instinct. An instinct that had grown into his skin in the past years, an inborn illness magnified by the lethargy of space. There was not enough self esteem for him to face the shining heroes of the Ark.

“Or maybe you need to show off in front of Echo for a bit. She’s so whipped. Go on, lead her on a bit more.”

Bellamy nodded to himself, accepting John’s taunts. There was no point in trying to stop the sharp remarks. But it hurt nevertheless, seeing John punish himself by pushing them all away.

“I’ve made my feelings clear to Echo. Whatever she felt, it’s gone.”

John scoffed. The memory of Echo sauntering around Bellamy, trying to catch his eye, was still bitterly sharp in his mind. It didn’t matter that Bellamy hadn’t felt the same. It had turned John’s blood to fire, seeing them practice together, Echo oblivious to her failure, smirking and purring whenever she pinned Bellamy down. Sometimes it had seemed dangerously close, the possibility of a new couple on the Ring, ready to fill the void left by John and Emori.

And even though he’d had no right, he’d also felt himself scowling whenever Emori found solace in Raven’s company. John had been full to the brim with jealousy, bitter and unexplained, sometimes spilling from his eyes at night, more often, through sharp words from his mouth. He’d pushed them all away, to see if they cared enough to come back. Maybe he’d pushed too far.

“Murphy, I’m not here to talk about Echo.”, Bellamy brought John back, words so tired and listless, John stopped himself. He stopped whatever avalanche of insults was ready to pour out and drown the tired man beside him.

Bellamy hesitated. “I asked Monty about my rations from last week. Why he was giving me more food than he should. And he said someone was giving up theirs.”

John’s heart jumped into his throat. He tried to shrug. “I’m not surprised, the algae soup doesn’t exactly boost appetite.”

“He wouldn’t tell me who it was, when I asked him.”, Bellamy continued, trying to catch John’s eye. “But I heard Raven talking to you the other day. Something about food rations.”

John remembered Bellamy’s bedridden week, and the constant anger, like a squeezed fist around his heart, loosened a little. He remembered the worried glances, the tense silence spreading through the Ring. The half-hearted suggestions of remedies for the coughs and headaches. But they were no doctors. The best they could manage were the sympathetic looks, and that wasn’t enough.

John had taken his suggestion to Raven, but she’d thrown it back in his face in a panic. They couldn’t risk more people getting ill. John should stay away and keep eating and let them handle this.

It had hurt. He’d thought that for once, he might have an useful idea. Raven had snatched that away. But why shouldn’t he try? Apparently the best he could do to help was stay away. So surely they wouldn’t miss him if something happened to him. It would be worth it to help Bellamy. They needed him more than they needed John.

“Talking to me? More like screaming in my face.”, John answered, swerving around Bellamy’s silent question. But then the question ceased to be silent.

“It was you, wasn’t it? You told Monty to give me your rations because I was ill.”

John tried to swallow, but his throat had an invisible grip around it. Excuses seemed futile now, on the brink of discovery. But admitting his weakness to Bellamy was as terrifying as seeing him ill had been.

He’d been so pale. Skin hot and clammy, eyes drooping with each laboured breath. With his old vitality gone, there had been no black fire lighting up his eyes.

It had been Bellamy’s body. Reduced, shrunken, yet still his body. But it hadn’t been Bellamy. Only a shell that croaked whispers instead of growling threats. The familiar short temper hadn’t been there to greet John’s teasing. Bellamy hadn’t been grumpy, hadn’t even scowled. He’d barely been able to keep his eyes open.

So John had to do something. The hunger hadn’t been so bad. Not compared to the empty hours of waiting. Waiting for Bellamy to stand up from his bed and start shouting at John to stop sulking. Waiting for a miracle.

“It wasn’t a big deal”, he said, avoiding Bellamy’s eyes. “I slept through it most of the time. And like I said, that algae soup wasn’t appetizing anyway.”

“You could’ve made yourself ill, Murphy!”

Bellamy’s tone pulled at John’s heart, a violent wrench that made his hesitant eyes reach out for proof. It shouldn’t have been real. But it was there, even showing on his face. As if he cared. For John. As if John’s sacrifice had meant something.

John wanted to shake his head. Laugh it off. It hadn’t been a sacrifice. It had been a small incident, an act to soon be forgotten as things on the Ring settled back down. But Bellamy’s eyes were holding his own, and they burned with their old fire again. Only this time, it was warm. It was a hundred small flames from a hundred different feelings, and John thought he understood them all.

“I couldn’t just let you-”, John choked on the fear behind his honesty. It was terrifying, to remove the mask from his words before he spoke them.

“You were so ill, Bellamy. I had to do something.”

He thought Bellamy might shout at him. Call him an idiot. That he would have been ready for.

“Thank you.”, Bellamy said, his eyes still holding John’s, still warm with their hundred flames.

For a moment, they were both too scared to act, too frozen in uncertainty. The moment floated between them, a heavy air sparking as if with electricity. John wanted to move, but any move seemed a mistake he couldn’t afford to make. And he didn’t know what to do.

Bellamy looked away, the fire running from something more intense.

John wanted to run too. Behind his walls, back to before Bellamy’s illness. He wanted to run from the silence, from the weight of unspoken words.

Bellamy looked back. He looked at the way John’s clothes seem too loose for him, the way his stubble covered sharp cheekbones, a face so thin that all traces of humour had turned dark. And it was partly because of him. For him. And space. It had turned John sour, and nowadays the blue eyes were mostly grey.

Something stirred in his heart. Some discomfort tugging at him at the sight of John’s frailness. It was sadness and something else, something a little sweeter. 

“Why do you care?”, Bellamy asked. “Why do you care what happens to me?”

John shrugged. “Because without you this ship would be emptier. I guess I’ve grown fond of this little space family. It makes it easier to be the outcast.”

“Murphy, you’re not-”

“I am. I am an outcast, but it’s my fault. And sometimes I don’t want to be.”

“Then why push us away? Why push Emori away?”

“This is not about Emori!” John could feel his pulse burning hotter.

“Do you not love her?”

“I do. But I’m not in love with her. Not anymore.”

John pondered the silence, wondering whether it was too late to turn back their honesty. “Just like you’re not in love with Echo anymore.”

Bellamy rolled his eyes. “I never was in love with her. And I don’t think she was in love with me either.”

“Have you seen the way she looked at you?”, John laughed.

“Like she wanted to kill me?”, Bellamy suggested, raising an eyebrow.

“Like she was trying not to look away. Like she was trying to be braver than she was.”, John mocked.

But then his tone softened, his mind drifting away. “Like looking at you was the most terrifying thing in the world, but like it was worth it nevertheless.”

The silence deepened. Bellamy’s hands found each other, fumbling.

“I guess I wouldn’t know...I’ve never really-”

“What? You’ve never been in love, Bellamy? You’re lucky.”

“Why?”

“Because it hurts.”

“I’ve heard it can be pretty good.”

“What did you hear?”

“I’ve heard that it can make you smile a lot. Even if you’re not with them, you think of them and it just happens.”, Bellamy shrugged, fighting his own smile.

“You seem to be smiling a lot right now.”

The smile turned bashful at John’s words, shying away until it disappeared.

“Sounds like you’ve got more experience than you think.”, John concluded, trying to redeem his mistake. “Whoever she is, I hope she’s worth it.”

John’s small voice, his fading smile, the fragile frame drooping under baggy clothes, they all tugged on Bellamy’s heart. A regret for the fear behind his actions.

He wanted to smile again, hold onto it and embrace the fact that yes, he was smiling a lot right then. But he didn’t know how to say it, and he didn’t know why.

“Murphy-”

John was still studying his hands, folded together to tight that his knuckles turned white.

“John.”

John’s hands clenched tighter.

Bellamy’s breaths turned shallow. “I didn’t- I think maybe I was wrong”, he stuttered, his words stumbling over each other. “Maybe I do know what it feels like.”

He took a deep breath. “When I saw you with Emori, Monty with Harper, I thought maybe Echo’s company wouldn’t be that bad. Maybe that’s why I didn’t push her away at first. But then you and Emori broke up, and even though she was a friend who was hurting...I felt- I wanted to stop pretending with Echo. I realised she wasn’t what I wanted. And I hated myself for it but... I was glad you pushed Emori away.”

John’s head was spinning. It was as if the sound waves were tumbling over each other, mixing up words, carrying muffled half sentences to his ears. It was dream-like, it was impossible.

“And when I found out what you did for me”, Bellamy continued, “I realised how much it meant to me. That you cared. But it terrified me, the fact that you could’ve been sick or hurt. Is that- is that what it feels like? The good and the bad?”

For some reason, John’s voice trembled when he spoke, and his eyes filled with emotion. He felt pathetic, too much relief, fear, too much of everything being too much for him.

“Is that what what feels like?”

“Being in love.”

All the hidden emotions, everything John had been ignoring for years broke through the surface, and he sobbed too hard to speak.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”, Bellamy asked, that impossible care still in his voice, his arms moving to hold John’s shaking body.

There were a million things John could have said, or forced himself to say. But instead he cried, sobbing in Bellamy’s arms, not letting himself talk because trying to speak would have been more embarrassing than simply crying in silence.

When John felt like he’d cried his soul out and was nothing more than an empty shell, he leaned weakly against Bellamy, whose arms were still wrapped around him.

“I’m sorry.”, John said, too worn out to manage more than a monotone whisper. The million emotions that had mixed together through the years had now drained out through his eyes, leaving emptiness behind.

“What happened? Why were you crying?”, Bellamy asked.

“Did you really mean what you said? Because I really don’t feel like being played with, Bellamy.”

“It was because of what I said? John, I’d never do that.”

Bellamy pulled away, his hands on John’s shoulders, holding him at arm’s length.

“John, I don’t know much about this. But you just made me realise that I’m in love with you. And I have been for a while. I wouldn’t joke about that.”

“You really must not know shit, because how the hell could you just admit that in front of the person you supposedly like?”John spoke lightly, too weak to fight Bellamy or to look away, to pretend he didn’t care.

Bellamy smiled. “I guess I was pretty certain you felt the same. You’re not exactly subtle, Murphy.” Bellamy’s hands moved up John’s shoulders, resting in the crook of his neck.

John was too tired to worry and doubt. The tears had washed so much away, that all he could do was live the feelings he was feeling right now, it was too hard to remember the past. So it felt easy to mirror Bellamy’s smile. 

“You cocky shit. How could you be that self centered? And just stick with John please, it was really hot.”

Bellamy laughed, his hands cupping John’s face. “So you believe me? You admit you like me back? No more pretending, no more sulking and pushing people away?”

Part of John wanted to defy the infuriating confidence, prove Bellamy wrong. But the feeling of the hands on his skin was too intoxicating to deny.

“I never said anything about liking you. But even if I accept you, it doesn’t mean I have to talk to anyone else. You’re just too hard to resist.”

“You’re contradicting yourself, John.”

“Fuck, just kiss me already you coward.”

“I’m the coward? I’m the one who actually-”

John muffled Bellamy’s words with his lips, bringing years’ worth of struggles to an end, and finally sealing his dreams with a kiss.

#the 100 #bellamy blake #john murphy #murphamy #raven reyes #emori the 100 #murphy x emori #monty green #monty x harper #echo the 100 #praimfaya #the 100 fanfiction #murphamy fanfic #the 100 oneshot #bellamy blake fanfiction

[trashkweeen-blog]

Drinking and Dating - Brandi Glanville

As I was gearing up to read this book, and gathering my deeply intellectual thoughts on the 17 chihuahuas in a human suit that is Brandi Glanville, I was like, oh good, I love Brandi. Sweet pizza-throwing Brandi. She spills the tea, this should be good in a trainwreck sort of way. 

I mean, I have to say that I was squarely in the Brandi camp for a moment in time - a Dream Team fan, if you will. She really won me over at Game Night. You know, that desperate attempt by Dana to be part of the show. Ugh, Dana. Dana was like The Silence from Doctor Who. Not because she was silent - oh no, if she was within shouting distance you’d hear about her sunglasses and how much they cost. No, because the second you turn around, your memory of her is completely wiped. I had to google both her actual name and the name Kim kept calling her because she couldn’t remember Dana’s name either (it was Pam). 

Anyways. Game Night at Pam’s was not a cute look for Kim and Kyle Richards, or as I like to think of them, Baby Jane and Blanche Hudson in the lead up to the accident that will eventually leave Kyle bound in a chair while Kim feeds her rats and writes letters to daddy. You may remember Game Night as the night when Kim hobbled in super late, took her trenta coffee cup filled with mashed up pills into the bathroom, and proceeded to do her hair and makeup, with Kyle intermittently popping in to both tell her she’s being weird, and to be weird. 

You may also remember Game Night as the night when Brandi accused Kim of doing crystal meth in the bathroom, and then Kim and Kyle hid Brandi’s crutches so she couldn’t stand up or walk. I’m citing this as exhibit 1 in Kim’s latent Baby Jane persona, just waiting in the wings. 

Point is, Kim and Kyle were pacing the room like lunatics, pointing their withered fingers at Brandi, and calling her such chill things as “slut pig”. Poor Brandi, NEW TO THIS GROUP, and being called a pig by the witch character from that Nightmare VHS board game from the 90s:

(shit, do you guys remember that?)

Brandi, with the fearlessness of an Amazon warrior queen, looked up, unblinking, unflinching, and calmly said, “Bring it, bitch, color me slut”. And Kim and Kyle were shook. I live for anyone who shakes Kyle. 

I also really loved when Lisa Vanderpump demanded an olive branch from her, and Brandi legit yanked a branch off of one of LVP’s trees, handed it to her, and then said, “what do you want me to do, eat your pussy?” Iconic. 

Admittedly, Brandi lost me a little by Season 5, when she developed a super co-dependent relationship with Kim, where they each made it a fun hobby to enable the other’s worst behaviour. Brandi decided she was gonna replace Kyle, which like, unless you’ve endured years of Big Kathy pushing you into show biz and gold digging bad marriages, then no, you can’t. You don’t have the range. 

But i was intrigued nonetheless, eager enough to dig into Brandi’s second book, which I read out of chronological order for the very academic reason that it was available first at the library. 

And it started off pretty strong. Brandi lovingly told us about the HPV her cheating trash ass ex husband gave her, called Leann Rimes a cunt, shaded her album sales, blamed Adrienne Maloof for her own shitty marriage, and called bullshit on the concept of scorned ex wives. Overall, great shit. Loved it. I was like yesssssss preach through a lot of it. 

Then Brandi delved into her dating advice, and girl, she was feeling her Carrie Bradshaw oats at every turn. I could basically picture her, smoking at her window, wearing a tutu, and gazing forlornly at the Chair that Aiden Made™. Which, like, all the Aiden apologists in the world need to get over. Aiden was trash. He tried to force Carrie into a boring ass engagement, pulling her away from interesting parties with porn producers, so she could like, watch him eat fried chicken in his gross underwear at 10pm???? 

The only good thing Aiden ever did was keep Carrie home when she could have been out making comments like this to her friends. A real service to her friends, who had to pretend to laugh at her idiotic jokes because she always got them tickets to cool stuff. 

Aaaaanyways. Brandi Glanville is no Carrie Bradshaw, and if she were, I’d really prefer if she’d been the Carrie Bradshaw whose computer crashes before she learns how to backup her writing. 

Drinking and Dating is a combination of bad dating advice, very personal child custody beef with her ex husband (yeah, I know his name, I just don’t care enough to type it, he sucks), and blind items about the “celebrities” she’s banged. 

Apparently, she wanted to list these celebrities by name, and her publishers wouldn’t let her, for fear of being sued. And honestly, Brandi being sued is not a saga I want to watch. She was personally outraged enough when her Celebrity Big Brother alliance member Keshia Knight wanted to leave the house in order to BREASTFEED HER INFANT, so I don’t wanna know how ugly Brandi gets when she’s got, like, actual problems. 

So, first things first, here’s some bad dating advice from Brandi Glanville:

pick up guys at Home Depot! Apparently, it is filled with “manly men” who want to turn women into housewives. If you roam the electrical aisle, you can “have your pick of Home Depot’s most eligible bachelors”. I hate this so much, I can’t even fully articulate it. This is by far the worst dating advice I have ever heard, and I read Class with the Countess. 

If a guy has a criminal record, but also a private jet, only the latter fact is important. Like, if the assault charges and restraining order have been dropped, and he tells you his ex girlfriend was batshit crazy, it’s safe to assume everything’s kosher here, and you can proceed to fly around on his jet, where no one can hear you scream.

dump a guy if his idea of an epic party is at Brendan Fraser’s condo. I AM SORRY BUT if I had the chance to party at Brendan Fraser’s condo, I would skip my own father’s funeral. Like, yeah he’s kinda fat and weird now, but if you close your eyes, imagine him at his peak, and make him say “George love Ursula”, you could probably still come while he lazily rails you. And you owe it to your thirsty 1997 self.

But, I guess if you’re at a point in your life where relationship advice from Brandi Glanville seems appealing, it’s too late for me to reach you. Have fun at Home Depot. 

I’m skipping the parts about whether Brandi’s trash ass ex husband is boycotting her relationship with her children by not letting them bring nice clothes to her house and whatever else. Cause it’s too dark, and I’m not here to contribute to the psychotic breaks any real housewives children may have when they start comprehending their parents’ exploits. 

What I will talk about is the series of dating stories Brandi “coyly” relates, using cute little pseudonyms for her bang buddies. Yeah, you could comb through the 2010-2011 NBA season team roster stats to figure out who the 6′11″ suitor was, but like, who cares honestly? If it wasn’t even interesting enough for the paps, it’s not interesting enough to sleuth for. 

The only one that caught my attention really, was the mid 90s TV star who was out with his more conventionally attractive co-star at the time. I do believe this to be David Schwimmer and Matt LeBlanc, so do with that what you will. (But I will say that if I had to fuck anyone from the core Friends group, it would be Ross. If we’re going outside the core group, it’s gotta be Paolo for some of that patented “meaningless animal sex”.)

Overall, this book was a fucking labor to get through; it was rough. I downloaded the audiobook so that I could listen to it while walking to work and on the treadmill, and yeah, that kinda made it easier to digest, but it also meant I had to listen to Brandi’s dog whistle of a voice for several hours. 

I can’t decide what was more irritating about this book, the 7,000 hashtags used throughout, or the mind-numbing minutia of things like what grocery store Brandi prefers and why. (PS, remember when Ramona Singer thought minutia was a Yiddish word, and was probably visualizing it spelled “menusha”? Bless.)

Given the choice, I’d rather go to the Van Kempens’ housewarming party, where they didn’t serve food even though it was at 8pm, than read another chapter of Brandi’s tales. 

Quick Stats:

Pages: 242

Did it need to be that many pages?: Ugh, absolutely not. There were times I zoned out during the audiobook, or just got up to pee and stopped listening for a few minutes, and I feel I did not miss anything. 

Did it change my mind about the housewife?: Honestly, it made me hate her more, but that could be because listening to Brandi Glanville’s voice for several hours straight is a form of torture used at Guantanamo. 

Real-ass book rating: 📖/5. This book was awful. It was so terrible. It had no structure, and was just a series of long, unedited, pointless stories, punctuated with bad hashtags.

Junk food book rating: 💎/5. Idk, like if you wanna hear about how Brandi banged an unnamed NBA player in a car in an alley, or how she had to sleep off her wine at some unnamed actor’s house because she couldn’t get her breathalyzer ignition to start in her car after she banged him, I guess the book is like somewhat amusing. But if you’ve ever listened to a middle aged woman complain about her kids’ stepmom for any length of time, you know it’s not worth it. 

[ghostfront]

to the surprise of absolutely no one especially myself i have been awful at keeping up with actually writing things on here but i’ve got a lot on my mind right now and no one i really feel like i can talk about it with so i’m dusting off the cobwebs of this dumb page i guess at least for tonight

i think that one of my biggest flaws is definitely like. idk if i don’t experience immediate consequences to my actions the consequences basically just don’t exist to me? like i know that they do exist, i know what they are, but they don’t feel real and i have so much trouble like... letting them keep me from doing things, or even more accurately, make me do things. like this is so gross and i’m so ashamed of it but i went YEARS and years of just not brushing my teeth. at all. ever. and i knew i should, and i knew it would probably eventually come back to bite me in the ass bc that’s what always happens, and i kept telling myself i was gonna get better about brushing them and then i just kept not doing it. and i haven’t been to a dentist in like five years bc i kept telling myself, oh, i’ll go once i’ve gotten better about brushing my teeth again. and it just never happened. well the past like month or two i’ve FINALLY started brushing them more regularly, usually only once a day but i’m trying to get myself back up to twice, and... now one of my teeth hurts. so i have to go to the dentist and i’m fucking terrified of what a nightmare i must have turned my teeth into and what they’ll have to do to fix them and how much it’s probably gonna hurt and how much money it’s probably going to cost and it’s all my own damn fault like i fully did this to myself lmao

because this is what i do, what i always do, i put things off and say i’ll deal with them later and don’t care but eventually that vague nebulous “later” catches up and i don’t know how to handle it? like i just end up with so much guilt for putting things off or not doing what i should have been for so long, and so anxious about whatever bad thing is going to happen as a result of my action or inaction, like it literally makes me sick. i need to go to the regular doctor too, which is another thing i’ve been putting off because it’s so easy to just find excuses and say i’ll do it later, but usually by the time “later” finally rolls around for me it’s because something really bad has happened that i probably could’ve prevented and i KNOW i could’ve prevented if i’d just like. done it sooner. idk

i’m so so so scared for this dentist appointment and wish i could’ve gotten one sooner than three days from now bc now my obsessive tendencies are kicking in and i’m just an anxious wreck and have barely been able to focus on or do anything bc i just can’t stop thinking about how they’re probably going to have to rip all my teeth out and i’m gonna have to pay like thousands of dollars for it or something and it’ll all have been my fault

i hate it here haha

and whenever i’m not obsessing over my teeth i’m obsessing over the fact that i’m hopelessly in love with my best friend and have absolutely no idea what to do about it and it’s making me feel like i’m losing my mind a little bit

like idk. i think it’s mutual. i’m pretty sure it’s mutual but i’m way too scared to ask and i know she’s had issues before where like people have had crushes on her a lot when she wasn’t interested and it was kind of uncomfortable and i’ve been trying to fight the feelings off for so long because i so didn’t want to be just one of those people but like

we call each other babe and i don’t call anyone else that and i don’t think she does either, and we talk about living together, and she always says she wants to see me so bad and like hug me and stuff, like we’ve known each other for over two years and we’ve never even met in person and i’m so in love with her haha

but even if it is mutual like... idk there’s a million and one reasons why we can’t be together right now, between her family and job situation, and my job and health situation, because like even if she does get the job she’s waiting on she’ll be closer to where i am now but still a good four and a half hours away and honestly i’d move to be with her but that feels like getting sooo ahead of myself like i don’t even know if she’d want that or wants me

like there’s enough stuff to make me wonder if she feels the same way and to make me think she might but i’m really not sure at all and i feel like lately i’m trying to read into every conversation we have and look at it under a microscope to try and figure out if i’m the only one feeling this way and i really just have no idea

but even if she doesn’t i’m kind of okay with it you know? like it would be sad and idk how i’d ever get over her esp bc i don’t even want to at this point but like. i dunno she deserves to have someone love her unconditionally, even if she doesn’t reciprocate in the same way. and i do love her unconditionally in every way, like i already loved her in a friend type of way for a really long time before the other feelings became a factor, idk when they came into play bc i was definitely in denial of it and trying to fight them for a while but like. idk how to fight them anymore i really want to be with her that much is undeniable

and yeah that’s been the entire contents of my brain lately. teeth and in love with my best friend. that’s all that’s goin on up there what a fun time haha

ugh it’s 2 am and i should’ve gone to sleep a while ago but what else is new. this was so many words and i’m not sure if getting them all out made me feel any better or will once i post this but maybe? idk who knows. my brain is dumb and weird and i kinda hate it most of the time. it’s the menthol illness, luv x anyways good night internet wish me luck for my dentist appointment i’m definitely going to need it

[themariotheme]

okay i am Not Having  A Good Time Right Now not BAD but just... weird not as in “weird” like how i say when im actually depressed this is a different weird it’s just incomprehensible and i feel very annoying to everyone especially on my stupid twitter so i shall be spewing garbage here so

okay so right now i feel like the world is horrible and like i could never be happy in it but im not depressed abt it im just numb so im not upset about how capitalism means there are people dying and everything is bad but i need u to know that i AM upset about it actually isnt it weird ?? i need to make sure that it is understood that these things upset me but like, not right now. is that just me being defensive because ive always felt like i need to justify feeling my feelings like i KNOW other people have it worse i KNOW im a privileged upper middle class chinese girl who has Had Everything okay i KNOW i just

i dont know

 am literally rotting and being useless all the time at home because im not in school im literally doing nothing im doing nothing all day im doing nothing im useless im just on this earth consuming and using up my parent’s money and contributing to climate change by having my air conditioning on even though i know individuals aren’t to blame for the climate crisis it’s companies and billionaires who suck Major Ass!!! u see how i have to justify but then also justify?? i am simply like this with Everything it’s so exhausting and i kind of want to cry now

like i Know individuals aren’t to blame for the climate crisis. artists arent selfish for making art how could i think i that???? i DONT think that i wouldnt look at someone who has their air conditioning on all day and think badly of them, i wouldnt look at artists and think “ugh what a selfish piece of shit, how could they look at the state of the world and choose to make silly art when  they could be a doctor or journalist or politician or ANYTHING that would Help People” BUT WHY DOES THAT NOT APPLY TO ME ???? WHY DO I STILL HAVE TO FEEEL LOUSY ABOUT IT ?? I FEEL SO STUPID im literally just ?? arguing with myself in my head but it ends up leading nowhere i just cant not feel terrible and guilty about everything i do

whatever. i dont know

okay but right so for the past 2 weeks that i was gone from tumblr because staff are PUSSIES who SNIPED me for NO REASON and then didnt reply to my emails i was mostly on twitter because i m useless n Do Nothing At All with my time so im on twitter because im lonely and crave interpersonal connections so i tried to make friends which i did ! i think i have had some success at least in making friends online . i think i can say that maybe perhaps for sure (maybe). but yes i have made some friends on twitter i think evie and maya and noga r great and i love them this is not th point sigh

okay im just going to explain the Nonsense Teenage Drama that went down and i will be (maybe) just namedropping cause none of them r even names anyway it doesnt matter actually

but i just need to feel like ??? im not insane and overreacting to this entire thing which like some ppl have confirmed !! and yet (??)

okay tw for suicide ed self harm n bullying cause i ended up ranting abt those things :(

SO. this Person C got into some. drama with M and J. this is all friendship related i think personally C is in the wrong and M and J have the right to be mad at them for it. BUT C was also very obviously suicidal in the “i am crying out for help and attention right now” kind of way . maybe i am just sympathetic because i have been that before idk. but drama unleashed, M and J publicly got into it with C. right so everyone witnesses this. including Person D. THIS PERSON. has TIME AND TIME AGAIN shown themsevles to be terrible terrible u know what idc im just gonna copy and paste screenshots idc idc idc AAAAAA im so djfdskmg idk

like ??? THIS WASNT IDK I DONT KNOW . i dnt know i dont know i AM over this but i had a panic attack over this and i was in a depressive episdode this was 3 days of hell and it didnt even involve me ??? the most i was involved w was like being personally offended because her friends called me a bitch or whatever but like ?? there r some of her friends who r friends w my friends and it makes me feel like idk :( like why do mar n mia hate me lol am i so terrible for thinking she should go get help for her ed isntead of telling ppl to slit their wrists n off themselves online lol idk idk idk yeah okay

like i feel like im overreacting , and taking personal offense to being called a bitch because i did end up calling her out in a very long series of tweets lol and like ?? someone would screenshot my tweets n she’d tweet abt them n say im obsessed n her friends would like her tweet and those ppl would be friends w my friends :( idk i feel like im just being a fool and over reacting idk sigh this is old news by now i am actually in fact Truly over this /gen but yea my cramps r bad today fuck periods we shld just reabsorb uterine linings like rats do why cant we be more like rats

/rant

my tweets for context idk i know no one will read this all but i feel the need to make myself clear because god knows fucking why idk idk idk 

https://twitter.com/urlowbeams/status/1364932184629338122?s=20

https://twitter.com/urlowbeams/status/1364928910916378634?s=20

https://twitter.com/urlowbeams/status/1364729355448983552?s=20

and scroll down from there i guess

man i was rlly going thru it huh

idk ALSO she like ?? said “if ur ugly u should die i cant breathe the same air as u” in response to someone’s selfies like ?? idk man idk idkdikddnfjfdnsjgdj im going to sleep night night im not losing my mind i swear /gen

#personal #long post #dont read it tbh ily but if u do ilyt

[rezilient-m3]

Dec 12

So, a lot of changes has happened since my grandma's funeral. We came home that Monday. My sister C ended up getting sick with liver failure, from taking a shit ton of Tylenol & drinking herself stupid for years. This I will come back to.

In our home, Alex got upset at my eldest girl, T again (on the 29th). Flat out said to me, in front of all the kids, mind you, that "either he's going or she does." I said "okay, we'll go." I was so upset. I cried a little. Then, got busy on my computer. I looked for jobs and rentals. And I slept on the couch, without really saying anything to Alex. I told my girl, she shouldn't worry, but she did. I seen it in her face. That was the piss off part. Like, how dare you threaten our security, once again, especially knowing this is the one thing she's terrified of. Like, my kid has had it rough. She grew up problematic and got shit taken out on her. Her step-mom would tell her how bad she is, call her a bitch within hearing range, and always kick them out of her house. So, understandably, she has issues with trusting that she'd be welcomed here no matter what. He should know these things. He should know we have to try to make her feel wanted, and loved, and secure for her to start changing her behaviours. So, why say that shit to her? Geez.

Anyways, next day I went out and viewed a place, emailed a bunch of other ones AND got an interview. Alex carried on asking me if I was leaving, I said I'm trying to, he says I shouldn't "but should try to make her act better." 😒 Boy, I wanted to scream. I didn't tho. I'm so non-confrontational and that sucks about me, so I didn't say much. I slept on the couch again. Following day, he asks why I slept on the couch again. So, again, that bothered me, but I didn't say anything. We ended up carrying on, like nothing happened. I bet our counselor is gonna have a field day with that one, cuz I wrote to her the night of complaining about everything. I really thought we'd leave. Lol. But I didn't get the houses. "Too many kids" and no job. I tried to explain I was good for the money, which I would have been. Not the point tho, they can't just trust my word. Lol. Understandable. ���‍♀️ Weird thing about all of this whole situation is, I felt completely fine and maybe a little bit relieved at the thought of being on my own with my kids. I hated the thought of leaving my youngest here, and sharing him. But still, that thought bugs me now cuz I'm still here. Wondering what it means? Lol. Shit. Plus, he left for work. Today is Sat, he left Sunday. Even that, I was okay with him being gone. I get to chill out with my kids not worrying about him losing it again. He'll be back after Christmas break starts. On the 20th, I think. We still msg everyday, telling each other we love each other. Cuz we do, I don't doubt that. It's just all a bit confusing. We'll work on it. 🤞

I got the job tho. 😁 I'm a EA sub for the city's school division. I got the interview on the 4th, I got everything I needed to hand in that Monday the 7th, started working on the 10th. Could have been the 8th, but I put start day for the 9th, then said I was unavailable lol. But, main thing is I'm working now. Like, for real. Crazy. I'm 32, with my first real ass, legit ass job. I was emotional that first drive up to the city. Thinking about how differently I felt bout myself. It may not seem like much to most, but hf, I did it.! And best part is, the city is short on EAs apparently, so my boss offered me a contract, starting in Jan. She offered me before I even got dispatched, so that was on Wed. So, I'm waiting. Hoping I can get papers signed before the province decides to shut down schools again. Cuz everyone thinks they will. 😬 But we will see.

I'll either be saving for being ready to go out on my own, OR a life with Alex for an extension on our house. I hope it's all of us for the rest of one of our lives lol. But I just never know. I could be in love with him one moment, and the next, he just kills it with the shit he says. So, idk. I'll be ready for whatever.

& moving onto my sister. After the funeral, she went to the clinic, got sent to the closest hospital, then flown out here to the major hospital. They out her to sleep and breathing tube. She's had liver & kidney damage, and something about her gall bladder. (Idk how relevant this is, but this be the one that Alex first started dating, before we met lol). But we all thought we were gonna lose her. I was scared. Some how, she pulled through,and woke up after 10 days. She stayed in ICU for 3 or 4 days. Those days I was allowed to go visit. Then, last Thursday, she got moved to a floor where they'd monitor her, but ell enough to get out of ICU. What does she do? Check her damn self out of the hospital. And what did I do? Go fricken get her. This is the weekend Alex found out he was leaving, so we were really busy. I had no time to drop what I was doing to drive her home. She ended up staying on my couch for the weekend. Holy fuck, did she ever turn yellow. I was mad at her. But I still drove her home. I took her, and picked up my niece to come help me, so I can start working. Idk how she's doing. She says she's fine, but who knows for real? She has an appointment with the doctor on Monday. But that gets me mad. Like, try fucking living. We're all not ready to lose you woman. But, who really is "ready", right? Idk. We'll see.

And moving onto James' news. I found out from my girl's step sister, that he's been living at his grandma's. The same grandma that caused me so much stress in my life. Lol jk. I'll try not play the blame game. But, that bitch. (Srynotsry). So, I tried to call the lead investigator to tell her what I know. She was busy. That was 2 days ago. She was supposed to call me back but hadn't yet. Bitch, her too lol. Ugh, why do ppl suck?

And in other news, I got a ticket for being on my cell today. I might lose my.license for 30 days from being convicted. Long story, but I have a history of tickets. Got to a pint where, if I lose 2 or 3 more demerits, I get suspended. So, what to go dummy. My master plan is to drag it out and hopefully lose it during the summer months, so I could at least keep working. Idk man. Out of all the good things happening for me lately, it all went down the drain when this happened earlier today. I still feel like shit about it. Wondering whats gonna happen. I'm honestly scared. Fml.

But that's all I got for now. A lot to unload, and probably did a shit job telling it. Lol. But I'm tired. It was a long day, my dudes. G'night. ✌

#allofme #ihatemyslef #cryingintheclub #tomorrowwillbebetter #mystory

[nerdymedzebra]

Exercise-Induced Anaphalaxis test.

Ah, irony. Literally the first time IN MY LIFE I have done cardio and not reacted. ENTIRELY different from my cardiac exercise test last year where all the symptoms started up I started blacking out and it took 15 minutes to be able to leave the table  the tech dragged me onto when he had to pull me off the treadmill and not almost puke and over a half hour before I was able to leave the waiting room bc I was flat on the floor, legs up, trying to breath and not puke and get the rest of my body able to move again and perhaps be less tomato-red, sweaty, and scary looking.)(they weren't testing me for exercise induced anaphylaxis then, I think I hadn't learned that was a (rare, mast cell related) thing yet either. the tech was looking for weird heart arrhythmia or something and that was it and he didn't know what to do about me.

Probably the most likely cause was that my legs stopped working before It got much chance to start. Like, literally, it was weird, I was totally fine and then all a sudden my RPMs plummeted and they kept telling me to keep going harder and i shouted that I was, but I literally could not make the RPMs even stabilize, they were just tanking. It wasn't that the resistance felt too much, it was just like my legs had suddenly out of nowhere drained of all blood and energy and powered down. It was disconcerting that my body was straight up not responding to me.

They eased me into the exercise SO much (3 minutes sitting on the bike, not pedaling, then pedaling slowly, then pedaling @ around 65 RPMs which felt normal to me (and there felt like no resistance), then 70... with again what felt like only a few seconds of resistance here or there. But then one of the 3 respiratory therapists standing around me told me to stay above 75, and I then realized the test wasn't going to get harder, so I decided to try to keep my RPMs in the 80s/as high as I could... and so suddenly i went hard. I dont know if that just coincided with an increase in resistance or what, but I only lasted about a minute doing that before I got acutely out of breath and my legs started not listening.

The last thing I wanted was to NOT have the exercise-induced anaphylaxis that the ONE time im hooked up to monitors and having my blood drawn and have witnesses. Alas. For the first time in my entire life, I did intense cardio (well, only for a minute or two), and didn't react (tho my lungs burned like a mfer and I was still coughing 15+ minutes later, which does always happen too, but none of the other things did, like tanking BP and skyrocketing HR, extreme gi upset, throat swelling, blacking out.. Not even Flushing which happens first and to an absurd degree (in gym classes my level of redness would always scare my gym teachers)

So now I have to calm my upsetness and then try to figure out HOW this happened. Because, WHAT? I have never been more confused by my body than I am right now.

Was it simply because I only had a minute or two of *real* cardio?  I already knew I can ride a bicycle with no resistance (inclines) just fine. But then all the sudden my body was working HARD and then I could only last a minute or two. Perhaps that's why my body didn't really get the chance to start reacting! I remember when i taught my PT the term "interoception" (which is a struggle for most people with Autism) and she mentioned that actually, all her EDS patients seemed to have trouble with that too, we tend to go really hard, not recognizing when something is probably too much for our muscles, then we essentially collapse and are sore and wobbly for days afterwards. Maybe that played into this, too? I just straight up did not have enough legit cardio time.

Or was it bc it was a bike instead of standing? Standing is worse but I have had one of my worst reactions one a bike (tho it was also through freshly cut grass, which I'm allergic too so would have been more susceptible to bc of exercising chemicals, but no grass pollen here now and last month I started reacting on a bike.. Or was I then just having burning lungs like I did today, but since they usually come together i just assumed a full reaction was starting? ). But also if I'm on a flat area I can bike just fine. In gyms if I can set my own pace I can bike at a leisurely pace with little to no resistance and be fine. But Louisville, where I live, has the SMALLEST of inclines on the walk/ride back from downtown to our house, and I can NOT ride my bike on it)

Is it bc I was inside a Drs office and not outside, thus exposed to fewer triggers? But I majorly reacted during the cardiac only exercise test last year in a different hospital!

Is it bc the bike was weird and it was like pedaling on my toes instead of full footed? Is it bc there felt like less resistance than riding a normal bike til the end? It felt way easier than just using a regular bike Is it bc they made me ease into it so slowly my HR didn't feel like it spiked (even a flight of stairs makes it spike!) I did feel that it was just starting a minute before my legs gave out but my legs gave out before it could really show itself. (some people with exercise induced anaphylaxis react to the HR spike itself, tho Idk how they know!)

Was it because the room was the perfect temperature? I apparently have chologenic urticaria to heat (oh, that's why I'm an absurdly red sploychy mess after showers!) and I have to wear a mask in the cold bc it can set me off too. I didn't even start to sweat until a minute before the legs gave out.

Was it because I had fasted all day? Most EIAn is actually good-induced (can have allergic responses to food you're not allergic too when not exercising)? But most days I don't eat anything til dinner and I still react either way. Also, thanks to EDS causing too stretchy stomach and dysfunctional motility it was 530 pm and my stomach still felt full from dinner the day before so I'm not even sure that truly counts as fasting?

Was it some combination of things?

Am I just miraculously cured of this thing which has haunted and traumatized me since elementary school?

Is it just bc its exactly my luck to have THE defining feature of my body for 3 decades just NOT DO THE THING when I finally have the chance to prove it to the doctors!

UGH. According to the research on EIAn, a single exercise challenge is not enough to count EIAn out, particularly since most people with it only react *sometimes* (I seem to be one of the only ones in my support group that react EVERY time that it gets to the point of HR spike/sweat).. but will the immunologist who clearly had no idea what EIAn was know that? I had a bad experience with her last session so I have no desire to meet with her again anyway. Should I just leave it at this? The research also said that most cases of EIAn are diagnosed clinically, just from description of the symptoms and a case history. Should I just bring it up to my new GP when I see her (my AMAZING GP is closing her office this month :'( ) and go about it that way?

Does it really matter to have an "official" diagnosis anyway? It wouldn't change much, though the ONLY treatment that is on record for helping some people, is Xolair shots-- which I already know many MCAS patients get anyway, so do i need to bother with an official diagnosis, or can I just bring up all this stuff to the GP and see if she'll give me the go ahead to try it (though at that point maybe she'd be able to give me the EIAn diagnosis as well, if I just bring in some of the research to show her (It's a rare thing so I doubt most doctors know anything about it on their own).

Anyway... I'm sad and disappointed that the test went this way. I wish it had just been a simple inclined treadmill like at the cardiac exercise test! I didn't even last 5 minutes on that before a full reaction, but they weren't testing my lung function and blood ever minute like they were on this test!

[sleepymarmot]

MEA liveblog #6

Spoilers!

Kadara

Alright, let's hope this virus sample is as harmless as SAM said... Why doesn't this scene have an interrupt? Why does Andromeda have so few?

Oh, right, there's still a quest with Reyes and Drack's story about Spender

I think I should also try the monolith again. Regardless of politics, activating the vaults for Ryder is like closing rifts for the Inquisitor.

Thank you internet for telling me how to activate the southernmost monolith! There's a cave entrance at the base of the mountain, on the road to the east of the monolith and north-east of the forward station.

Ugh, navigating this vault and trying not to die took a long time...

Why do I get flirt options with Reyes in 90% of dialogue wheels?

Okay, I finally crafted something. Chest and legs for armor. Iitiative V. Together they give +11% XP instead of +15 I had on the pre-order set, but I could put lots of bonuses onto them. Used "25% shields on kill" as enhancement and "+50% recharge speed, -30% weapon damage" as a mod.

Yikes! It looks so ugly! Here I thought Deep Space looked mediocre compared to Scavenger, but this...

My adept profile is now rank 4!

Zia's voice sounds terribly familiar.

I literally met murderers disposing of a body, why can't I interact with them?

Two Hydras, more like "run around the entire time". Ugh, why are biotics in this game so weak against armor? And where's the fall damage? The entire point of biotics is killing enemies with physics! Why does a combo, on normal difficulty, not kill a mook, but throw him somewhere I can't see him with a sliver of health so he continues to shoot at me? This is ridiculous!

Me: Ugh I don't wanna do Kadara Also me: *does every single sidequest in the Badlands, raises viability to 70%*

Tempest

Peebee: idk why I wanted to write to you -- Aww :D

Yay, finally I can make my inventory bigger!

"I like it when you flirt" is still an option smh. Clicked it because I think someone mentioned that the zero-g scene is repeatable, but nope.

Alright, time to finally move on to the loyalty missions!

Cora's LM

Convenient when you can reuse an entire map huh :D

TBH most of the things people are saying are flying right past me. I'm just following the quest markers. So, is the arc pretty much empty now? 

Asari sword V!!! Something I wanted to craft or find a long time ago. 

This ascendant wasn't even dangerous. Just a boring bullet sponge. I need to get more weight capacity so I could always carry a sniper rifle just for those guys...

I'm a biotic too!!! I walked through this entire mission as an adept! Why am I not helping with the shield?

Revealed the truth, then said Sarissa should stay as the Pathfinder. Not a difficult decision.

Tempest

"Outcast HQ" sounds ridiculous...

Meanwhile, my Bronze/Silver strike team has five positive traits and no negatives...

Nexus

Good thing I went here before moving on to Vetra's mission! There's a follow-up scene. And apparently, there were a lot of asari still in cryo?

Is this the guy who already sent me a grateful email? This game really fails at continuity sometimes.

Fuck! Jien Garson "died alone"?! All this time I was suspicious about her absence, but people talked about her death so confidently I was sure there were witnesses!

lmao a burned body in an unexpected place. suuuuure

Oh, so she is dead :(

Okay, this is simpler than I thought. The Initiative was about escaping the Reapers. And I thought they were looking for something in Andromeda...

If there's really nothing more to it -- I'd actually be disappointed. The game just continues to subvert its own most ridiculous statements. Pretty much everyone assumed that building something called Arcs and moving to another galaxy right before the Reaper invasion is an attempt to preserve people and culture. The game insisted that wasn't the case, except of course it is. There were only two new races, suspiciously alike -- are they related? Nobody even mentioned the possibility in the game until it was confirmed. On the one hand, it's a relief that the game doesn't believe its own bullshit. On the other, I'd like not to be treated like an idiot. I'd like a story with a premise that makes sense by itself, and with reveals that are genuinely surprising. What's next on the list of predictable "plot twists"? Is Alec alive? Is Reyes the Charlatan?

Tempest

What, I got a bunch of AVP just for promising to do Drack's mission?

Fuck yeah vanadium

H-047c

When you land, the subtitles just disappear...

I almost fell off a cliff and Liam shouted "Ryder!!" in a very startled voice

Whoa, a Reegar!

Took the interrupt, of course.

After Liam's mission, the other two seemed bland...

Havarl

Thanks to the internet, finally found the Fusion Mod of Adrenaline. How can anyone find that by themselves?!

Archon's ship

I'm tired of messing around, let's get on with the plot

Let me guess, I'll have to choose between the map to the Meridian and the salarian arc's survival?

This Pathfinder actually sounds like a Salarian!

A new carfalon, nice

this fight didn't go well lmao

Oh great, now we wiped everything but the ascendant and then he killed me

Ughh, on the third try...

Poor Ryder

Yeah, yeah, we've already heard all that from Harbinger...

Archon's chamber, health and ammo packs... Annoying boss battle, here we go

oh great, it's the Krogett

ah, so it's a mix of Virmire and Priority: Tuchanka

Ouch, I wish I didn't take Drack on this mission...

Well thanks I feel like a monster now

And of course, the autosave is after the choice. I've long suspected that the lack of saving in priority mission is designed to make us live with our decisions...

Honestly when I was making a choice it seemed simply whether a bunch of krogan or salarians are saved from exaltation, the krogan are connected to your friend but the salarians have a Pathfinder. But then the game seems to present it as "many krogans, your friend's friends, vs one Pathfinder"?

So, where to now? After the Nexus.

I have 3 loyalty missions in progress, Peebee, Jaal and Drack, and the last one seems pretty urgent. 

I need to go to Elaaden, especially because after this I need to restore my relationship with the krogan.

I need to activate the vault on Voeld, people in my outpost and my angaran allies has been freezing their limbs of for a long time.

Kadara is the only place where nothing important is happening, but I need to get it to 90% asap to unlock the fusion mod perk.

Tempest

Poured some more points into combat to decrease the weight of sniper rifles, and crafted a Vintage Isharay V. Now I can carry it along with the Hornet and a shotgun of my choice. Some power user I am... :D

No, Gil, I don't really want to meet your friend. Though on second thought, maybe if the Pathfinder tells her we're not here just to breed, maybe she'd believe...

"My mother created the implant in my head, and my father created the AI that uses it. I haven't lost them either" ;_;

Suvi organized a comparative religion seminar, and Jaal and Kallo signed up!

Got myself a bald space mouse

"Okay, I'll learn a new party trick" :D

"You are daring. I had to up my game" It's just a casual option, but sure sounds like flirting... :D

"Just don't get yourself exalted" -> "Just don't relax too much" The translation is getting worse and worse... There's some nonsense in almost every conversation.

Aw, Vetra!

Nexus

Thanks, Tann! Now I have time to do sidequests and loyalty missions without guilt!

No thanks to other Pathfinders, seems like I have to rush the main plot after all :(

Scott!!!

Why is Ryder asking him about things she must know just as well?

Honestly, this game design is super stupid! Kadara opens up a lot of new quests, but also the rushes the main plot like hell! Am I supposed to do the loyalty missions and shit after the end of the story??

Wait, how exactly did Keri scare people? Why was she arrested? I don't understand.

Tempest

Aw, Liam is worried about how I'm coping with my clinical death! *Shepard sighs with envy from another galaxy*

Kadara

Why does the game shower me with shippy Reyes material even when I'm not trying to romance him?

Finally another interrupt lol

"Try to settle here, and I'll consider it an act of war" If I took the story seriously and roleplayed honestly, this would be the point I'd abandon this planet forever, even if I didn't do it far earlier. There's no reason for Ryder to plan for an outpost here -- and I only do because of the queat description. Ughh, the writing in this game is killing me.

How do you take a recipe anyway? How do you make sure there isn't a copy left on the person's computer? Anyway, took it from the asari because I assumed I could destroy the info instead of giving it to the doctor, but had to give it back anyway.

Whoa, the date with Vetra is incredibly romantic

Was it really necessary for two freaking eirochs to greet us as we exit the cave?!

People who lit Sloane from behind so that every time there's a closeup on her, the camera adjusts to that bright light and her face becomes a pitch black blob: please don't ever stage anything again

Travel from the Badlands to the Port, meet Sloane, immediately travel back to almost the same place in the Badlands. Is the game intentionally trying to waste as much of our time as possible?

I think my game ran out of save slots... Without any warning. When you try to write in a new slot everything seems normal but the save just doesn't appear.

Whoa! Ryder WASN'T surprised that Reyes is the Charlatan! I didn't expect her to figure that out...

I'm not sure how Reyes's actions were supposed to weaken Sloane but whatever

First I shot him because I use interrupts instinctively, then replayed and didn't. I don't give enough fucks about this petty war.

100%! Now I can finally leave this snake pit.

BTW, re: the choice: Sloane is almost as bad as Aria at this point, the only redeeming quality is her backstory. And she's proven herself a bad leader, while Reyes could turn out to be better. But deciding to let her die within a split second -- that's not something I or my idealistic character could do. And now Reyes has a potential for a cool comeback story, and Sloane -- for a redemption arc. We have both characters alive and active, while the other option kills one off. (Which, I realize, is a reason that we might never see an interesting follow-up.)

Tempest

Reyes bothered to send a letter! I hope we'll see his dramatic return in a sequel or a DLC. Imagine if you romance him and then save Sloane -- that's a good story! Also, glad I didn't shoot, because the internet says the letter is very bitter and ominous in that case.

Aaand what some people on the internet were saying is true. Fusion Mod Support, which was the sole reason I went to complete Kadara, is broken and deprives you of all buffs. Well, whatever.

Drack doesn't tell me to fuck off anymore. Does this mean I don't need to "give him space" anymore and can plausibly do his loyalty mission? It's weird that the game just ignores all that's happened -- it's not like he tells me he forgave or anything. Consequences my ass. Just lazy writing.

And Lexi just repeats her first description of Drack -- that he's "always good". Ugh. No, he's not!

NOW you want to talk about my death, Cora! Not when I approached you after that mission!

Elaaden

The krogan have a nice flag!

Logical: "Don't make me headbutt you. I absolutely will" Ha! The emotional option was some shit about friendship... 

The worm? That thing from the promo pictures, right? Is it the same thing as the Architects people on the internet are mentioning?

Aww, is this a letter from multiplayer's krogan engineer?

A krogan LARP!

The krogan are literally the only people whom I can understand and support in a decision to jump galaxies

Drack's LM

I don't understand how Vorn got here...

For once I'm not the one with a dilemma lol

"There's only one thing getting destroyed today (...) So there are a lot of things getting destroyed today, actually"

Drack please don't talk during fights, I don't hear a single word, too busy charging people and slashing them with my sword

I still don't understand what all of this has to do with Spender, and don't remember Drack ever mentioning before that the botanist is so important and irreplaceable.

I love being a vanguard on normal because even with an incomplete build you can tank two hydras. To be fair I was standing right on top of a health box...

That's all?? So short...

At least Drack hasn't forgotten my choice...

Ah, so the botanist who sent us on this mission and the botanist we rescued are two different people? Okay, one question answered.

Elaaden

Hmm, this puzzle seems more difficult...

The second monolith has a console puzzle instead of sudoku. I spent a pretty long time on it before realizing there were three consoles, not two...

WHy am I breaking into this base and slaughtering everyone inside??

Couldn't solve the console puzzle in the vault, looked it up, didn't understand the explanation, clicked some more and activated it by accident.

Shit, is this the same puzzle but on pillars?

I fell into the water and the game respawned me into the same fall -- but in the Nomad.

Jumped around and activated the bridge somehow, but the door behind it is still closed

How am I supposed not to fall from the pillars? It's impossible to know if you're jumping not far enough, too far, or not high enough.

Oh, here's that difficult sudoku. I spent like 15 minutes on it and still can't solve it...

Holy crap, I solved it! Took me about 25 minutes...

The purification field was already in the room when I closed the door on it...

Lmao apparently the main krogan on this planet is right in the starting zone... I searched the entire colony for him! And now, with the planet at 83% viability, I finally meet the guy I came here for :D

I clearly was meant to do all of this right in the beginning lmao. But I was in a rush to do Drack's mission...

Pressuring women into childbirth is bad enough in normal circumstances, but when children have about 1% chance of surviving? Back the fuck off.

Messages on the terminal are interesting. I don't like the confirmation of too-earthlike misogyny on Tuchanka, but at least things are getting better here. And I'm still impressed by the letters from the krogan engineer -- do other multiplayer character have presence in the main game too?

And here's the deal with the Remnant ship! I was waiting for the reason to visit it...

I like Morda. I hope I won't have to fight or depose her.

(Btw she's Norda in translation because "morda" means "face, mug")

It'd be much more fun to fight fiends if they weren't sync-killers. I can't even use a shotgun -- the entire fight consists of running away, throwing powers at them when at safe distance, turning around to run again, and if I'm very lucky, finding a moment for a sniper rifle shot a couple of times.

Btw this entire time I thought fiends were exalted eirochs -- but they're just a normal local species? What?

Lmao the viability is at 99% now

The Remnant Ship is a lovechild of the Collector ship/Derelict Reaper and all those veilfire dungeons from DAI

The Nomad looks bad in this planet's lighting... Or is it because I raised texture quality? On Eos and Voeld the entire hull looked the same, now I can see the difference between two areas.

Oh. Is this why I was supposed to break into the scavenger base lol

Well, this was a good planet to bring Drack and Peebee with you everywhere! Sorry Peebs, but even you didn't feel joy when we finally found that drive core after all the bloodshed; plus it's your own philisophy to look into the future instead of the past; plus we might find other Remnant ships but this diplomatic opportunity is huge and unique. It's a laughably small price to pay for so many good things -- not just the outpost, but paying our debts and renewing friendship with a good ally led by an admirable woman. This makes me feel really good, unlike Kadara. New Tuchanka in generally is a feel-good place. The krogan look more real with their occupations and interests, their reason for being here makes perfect sense unlike the rest of the Initiative, and they're happier than in the Milky Way (at least until the end of ME3. Yeah, they have the genophage here, but also the Reapers aren't killing and harvesting them, so I'll call it a draw).

Oh my god, the translators misread "fiends" as "friends"! "Even if it means taking out three friends at once"! L M A O

"We're all a little krogan in here" That sounds pretty racist, Ryder

Nexus

Wait, how is exile harsher sentence for Spender than jail? In exile he'd just be free to continue his racist criminal activities.

"It is the will to continue living" Ugh, don't give me that Padme bullshit

Eos

That's all? This short rude conversation is why Gil called me to meet his shitty friend?

Aw, Cora started a garden! Right on a nest of poison-spitting bugs, but still cute. 

Just as I switch from Flamethrower to Annihilation, I get attacked by two fiends -_- Where's my biotic armor damage, Bioware?!

Btw the Nomad now looks plastic on Eos too :(

And here's the Architect! I avoided looking up videos because I wanted to find out how this fight goes by myself.

And of course, when I died the autosave was glitched and froze my entire game -_-

And it happened again -_- The cutscene doesn't start and I can't do anything

For fuck's sake, on its leg WHERE?

Managed to shot down a leg, got killed trying to shoot its head

Whoa, I won! Ate like 20 shield boosters, though. What a bullet sponge, I felt like I was doing no damage at all. And in the final section of the fight it spent like 5 minutes just shooting and throwing grenades at me without ever exposing the vulnerable spot, I thought that maybe the game just forgot to indicate it. I used Vanguard, Charge/melee/Lance for adds, gun/Lance/Charge for the Architect itself. For some reason it didn't occur to me to switch to Infiltrator or Soldier or even Explorer for sniping lol

Now that I finally leveled up Lance today, I tried a lot of setups... Flamethrower/Energy Drain/Lance (Sentinel), Annihilation/Energy Drain/Lance (Sentinel), Annihilation/Charge/Lance (Vanguard), Pull/Charge/Lance (Vanguard). Next time I'll try Singularity as the first primer. I don't have the final evolution of Annihilation yet, so it's not at full synergy. I really don't know what I like better -- ED/Sentinel or Charge/Vanguard. The latter is novaguard reborn, basically, but I already have one Vanguard profile, which is melee/tank oriented, and I don't want to remove Backlash, especially to replace it with a power that slows down Charge. Four favorites are not enough, Bioware! At least seven -- one for each profile. I still don't have a build for Remnant VI and I really want to use it! Btw, my final blow to the Architect was with Lance -- ending the testing session with style!

I can craft N7 armor X already! Wow. Why no level requirement? I'll replace my chestpiece -- massive buffs to biotics >> 4% XP. Don't know if I should disassemble my old armor or just buy more enhancements...

I just (re-)realized that Charge/Lance/asari sword is basically N7 Slayer... I definitely need that N7 armor!

I'm watching other people's Architect fights -- and turns out, Backlash can deflect its attacks! That's what I should have used as the third skill.

Not related at all, but I hate how people put spoilers in thread titles on Reddit :/ I guess the most obvious ones get filtered out, but indirect spoilers stay. "What are your theories about [thing]?" -- thanks a lot for telling me it won't be explained in the game, dude!! >:[

#mass effect #mea spoilers #blah blah blah

[idealisticrealism]

Blindspot recap 2x14

(Aka the one with Rich and the secret society) 

Aaaah okay so I have had basically zero available time to do this review and this is the latest I’ve ever gotten it posted (still before the new episode though so at least there’s that) but please to not assume my lateness is reflective of my feelings for this ep because honestly my love for it knows no bounds

So if you have time before the new ep, see below the cut for a lot of screaming over Rich haha

Okay firstly let's not talk about how old I was in 2001 and how very NOT college-aged I was because that would make my gigantic crush on Rich just a little awkward haha. But omg this scene. The music and the remote control car with the laser and their OUTFITS omg and okay I desperately need to know what is going on with that goatee situation bc it looks so wrong and I don't know if that's just because I'm used to the beautiful beard or what. Given the time it would take him to grow that beard back, have they literally just put a prosthetic over his actual beard to make it look like unshaven skin?? I need to know. Hell, I’m gonna ask Ennis, he'll probably tell me lol. Tbh that guy has gotta be sick of seeing my name on his twitter notifications by now haha. But also lbr I kinda have a hard time believing Rich (or Gord, rather) didn't get straight A's anyway? I mean he's a genius, after all. Though I guess he had other, cooler things to spend his time on rather than study. Probably involving more lasers. And then aaaahhh they're caught (lbr those outfits are a crime in themselves haha) and while I didn't expect Rich's charm (lol, if it can be called "charm") to work on cops (or campus security?) literally who the hell tasers someone just for being irritating?? I assume that was a bit of artistic licence bc a cop would get strung up for doing that here. Plus you cannot tell me that Rich wouldn't have had lawyers (or law student friends, idk) all over that. But anyhow.

Reade. Dude. Get your shit together, because you're a damn mess. And so is your apartment, since you and your lil drug honey have apparently trashed the place. And now you're gonna be late to work, again? Ugh. He needs to grow a set and tell Nikki to leave and stay gone. Maybe he should get Tasha to do it since she's clearly got more balls than he does...

Speaking of being a mess, here's my poor baby Weller, who is messed up for a slightly more legitimate reason (or a myriad thereof). And so wait, a whole weekend has passed since the last ep? So Weller's only just telling Jane and Nas now? What was he doing this whole time? Maybe he was having a bender of his own in his apartment... but ugh Jane is immediately reassuring and tells him it's not his fault and that there was nothing he could do. Because she's nothing if not a supportive wifey. (Wait maybe he already told Jane over the weekend and he’s just telling Nas for the first time now. It’s possible so I’m running with it haha). Anyway he's clearly torn up about it though and you can tell his ~THING~ with Shepherd is building into what's going to be an epic arch-nemesis showdown at the end of the season. But for now, Nas has magically conjured some property records for 'Ellen Briggs', including places in Wisconsin, Maryland, North Carolina, Florida, Colorado, and New Jersey. That's a decent number of states to have lived in?? Though I guess the whole army thing involves a fair bit of shifting around. With this new info, though, they can send Jane and Roman to the places and see if they trigger any memories, since they might have lived at some of them too. Which is kind of a bummer because it means that Jane's gonna be off with Roman and Nas and isn't gonna get to hang with her buddy Rich much :( 

Ooooh update: Ennis answered me, apparently they saved the '2001' scene for the end of filming, then shaved his usual beard down to the chin beard. Tbh I am personally offended by the murdering of that beautiful beard but he assures me it lives again now haha

Anyway back to the case, Patterson has just interrupted (which is perfectly acceptable/even welcomed whenever Nas is in the room) to say there's a tattoo they need to see. And ugh Weller's reaction is the sweetest, going all concerned big bro and telling her she should be at home. But by the look of things, she had the weekend off, which is a pretty good effort for her? And ugh she saw a doctor who cleared her medically but it's clear that she still needs to be checked out psychologically and ughhhh my baby I hate that this has happened to you. But anyhow because Patterson's a genius, she'd already figured out that the tattoo contained an equation which, for reasons that I am not smart enough to comprehend, would solve itself today and somehow involve Lithium and a secret society at Jameson College called Daedalus. Of course Rich went to a college that shares a name with one of my favourite alcoholic beverages. And again we have a perfect moment where Zapata gets to shine, explaining who Daedalus was and then adds "stop looking at me like that when I know things". Damn straight, Reade, show your awesome partner some more respect. She's a smart lady. And then he makes a joke about the college kids maybe mixing lithium with jager and doing shots and lbr Reade with your newfound proclivities you don’t really get to judge anyone for what they put in their body. But anyhow Patterson brings up a list of the Daedalus members, and who else appears on it but Gord Enver, aka Rich DotCom. The team manage impressively well at suppressing their groans-- though lbr, Weller was actually pretty quick to say that they needed to bring Rich in. He didn't even look for alternatives. Like sure, Rich does like to talk, an he has a soft spot for the team, but... aw Weller, were you missing your hairy homie?? 

Okay Rich has been onscreen for all of a second and I already can't deal with this. The others all there awaiting him like some kind of royal welcoming committee-- and he definitely ACTS like returning royalty. I'm so intrigued to know if his newfound religion(s) was just a spur of the moment thing when he heard he was going back to the FBI-- maybe he was like "hmmm how can I annoy them even more than usual" and then turned to his cellmates or whoever and was like ‘hey I need to borrow your stuff’ lol. Or maybe he'd just been bored in prison and the library was fairly limited? Either way literally everyone's faces here are precious, especially Jane, who I think tends to be more perplexed by Rich than anything else (probably because she knows she shouldn't like him but does). Speaking of faces, Weller's "hurry the hell up you idiot" face as Rich is praying in the interview room-- which looks like a very fun version of praying-- is priceless. Rich freaking ending his prayer with 'bless this mess' earned my first shriek-laugh of the episode, followed closely by the second when Weller asked for help and he answered 'say no more' and gracefully slid the bible/Koran (can’t see which) across the table. Honestly as much as I love all the characters on this show, Rich is always gonna be a special case for me. I just adore this little shit. Speaking of which, he's refusing to help on grounds that he's already busy investigating ‘the spiritual plane’ and ugh everyone here knows he's gonna help them, that he WANTS to help them, but he can never make things easy. Weller tries threats, Nas tries insulting him (you have much to learn Nas, lol) whereas Jane just gets straight to the point, showing him the formula and the tattoo on her back, knowing it will shock him free of his play act. (Though I love that he throws in "let he who is without sin..." to Weller when Weller is getting judgy. You know, he has a point weller, you aren't exactly innocent either buddy) Also omg "Oh Gott im Himmel" Aaaahhhh Rick speaking German is an instant favourite thing for me. Two things I love combined haha. And good lord, there is too much to love about this scene. Weller's "I'm already distressed" (possibly the most truthful thing he's ever said), Rich trying to cross himself with cuffs on then quoting Matthew '24:7', then getting to ominously foretell an impending war.... please make him a regular, writers, I need it

And then ugh yes we're in the bullpen which means Rich interacting with the rest of the team (while Jane rolls her eyes at him in the background lol). Patterson explains-- with interruptions from Rich, naturally-- that lithium is getting super pricey so technically it would be cheaper to invade another country (by deliberately starting a war with a fake terrorist attack) and steal theirs. They just don't know which country, or who's planning it. Tasha catches on first which is funny bc she's actually often the one most... in tune?... with Rich. She tends to be able to cut through his bullshit to the bottom line of a matter and I think he digs that about her. Also Weller is having trouble pronouncing Daedalus correctly haha. But anyhow Rich points them towards a guy called Zack Riley, who was one of the guys who broke into the college with him back in the day and who Patterson seems to have a little geek-crush on. Which Rich is not at all pleased about-- maybe he's worried about losing his spot as their favourite (term used loosely) billionaire computer genius lol.

And then what's this?? Rich insists they need Boston too, since he's also a member of Daedalus and can help.  Mmmhmm, I'm sure that's the reason, and not that Rich is trying to win him back haha, since these two definitely seem to be in the middle of a spat. But even better than Rich and Boston's relationship is that of Patterson and Boston-- the moment she walks in and sees him she literally makes an "Ughhhhh" sound. Oh my precious little supergenius sassmaster nemeses, this is gonna be gooood. And so it turns out there just happens to be an Alumni event on at Jameson right now that will be the cover for a secret Daedalus meeting, and since they already have two members, why not sneak in? I love that the conversation immediately gets derailed by Boston and Rich bickering ("how many times do I have to say I'm sorry??" "ONE time!" omg) before Weller tells them they'll be taking dates. And ugh Boston is being all belligerent like he's not going to help them and then bam Weller tells him he can have him transferred to a prison near LA so his parents can visit him more easily, and ugh he didn't have to do that. He could have made threats, like he made to Rich, but instead he recognised a way that he could make Boston's life better and offered it to him. Ugh my baby. Rich doesn't need any threats or bonuses; though he says he'll do it for spiritual reasons, as always, he's totally in it for the game. (And secretly for his love of the team and wanting them to approve of him)

Ughhhh Weller and Jane having their own private little conference in the corner of the lab (while Rich and Patterson fight over the touchscreen thing like siblings, which was all apparently ad-libbed and I'm delighted about it) and ugh Jane wants to stay and be with the team in case they need her but Weller asks her to go with Nas and Roman to the houses instead, because getting a lead on Shepherd is his biggest priority but he can't do this, only she can, so he's relying on her. And she recognises that, which is why she agrees to go (but before she does he grips her arm and looks at her with those expressive eyes and ughhh look at these two being a unit againnnnn). Then mom heads off while dad stays with the kids, assigning Patterson to Boston-- it's hard to tell who's less pleased about it, but I'm in love with Patterson's comic-con line (particularly since I met Ashley at Comic Con last year). And then omg "Rich, you take Tasha" "Which one's Tasha?" hahaha cmon, like you don't know, Rich. You love giving her as much shit as she gives you. You two are practically buds. But he's right, she's really not his type. There's only one person in the FBI who is (I'm excluding Jane from this because I don't think he considers her to be FBI). Though tbh I think even if Jane had been there as an option Rich would have still chosen Weller just for the fun of making him uncomfortable lol. 

And so this episode gives us one of the greatest gifts of the show so far: Weller and Rich, out on a date. Which so far has entailed Rich 'helping' Weller out of the car, and Weller informing him that he has just drunk water with a tracking isotope in it so he can't escape them. I love the "You are so controlling... Why do I keep coming back to you" because he really doeessss. He keeps coming back. And well, Weller is a control freak haha. Oh but the real brilliance comes from the other pair, Patterson ignoring Boston's politely extended hand as she gets out of the car and then implies that he and Rich broke up because Boston's 'the worst person ever' and ughhh I love the antagonistic relationship between these two. At least they can get through the door, though, whereas Rich and Weller are turned back due to something Rich did to piss someone off in the past. And Rich is all "Oh well. Hey let's go check out the carnival!" like this is a real date and ugh he is the cutest??? Literally how can anyone not love this man. Instead, to his disappointment, Weller makes him find a way to sneak in-- aka though old hallways/tunnels that he used to use to sneak in hookers. And then they have a ~moment~ as they bond over their mutual prankster school days. Well, at least Rich thinks they're having a moment. Weller just has slightly less heat in his voice when he tells him to shut up. Then they get to the door, which no longer has a handle, so Weller kicks it open. Literally kicks it off its hinges, in fact, and while I know Weller is strong, that was a VERY solid old door. No way its hinges would give like that. But anyhow luckily no one was on the other side of that door, because they'd be out for the count right now. And after such a dramatic entrance, security is immediately onto them-- but then an old friend vouches for Rich and sends away the guards-- before looking properly at Weller with what can only be described as a 'hubba hubba' gaze. Rich promptly introduces him as his HUSBAND Kurt Enver (*shriek laugh*) and lays his head on his shoulder. Weller valiantly tries to roll with it, but the other guy is like ‘nope, this guy's got hooker written all over him' and oh Weller, I bet you never expected to find yourself in a situation where you'd prefer to be Rich's husband??? And then they talk about his burly arms and how the other guy would 'back that stallion' and calls him a meat trophy and omggggg there is nothing I love more than hypermasculine men experiencing what it's constantly like for women to be treated like sex objects by other men. Although lbr I think Weller's enjoying this a tiny bit bc he didn't have to smile at all during that conversation-- he could have just stood there all strong and impassive-- but he was practically grinning and ugh this is the beeeessssst. Also he then talks to Zapata and Reade over the comms and man I hope they heard that whole conversation because that would make my day. Btw as a sidenote, they say that the party guest that tried to keep Rich out had a pharmaceutical company that raised the cancer drug prices by like 1000%. And again, this show is totally unafraid to pull things from the current news and pass judgement on them... 

Shepherd lived in Robinhood lane? I bet she picked it because she felt she was a Robin Hood that was helping the poor by taking down the rich. And lol Nas wants to go inside to see if it triggers anything for them and Jane is all 'what if it's a trap' and Nas goes 'With you two? I'll take my chances.' And wow that's the first likable thing she's said in a long time. Tbh she's right, too-- if I had to be ambushed, I'd want to have the mayhem twins there to protect me haha. But ugh Roman and Jane are unable to believe they could have grown up in such a normal looking place rather than like a barracks or something and it's so sad? And then Roman gets so upset because he can't remember anything and when Jane says 'I know how you feel' (which she does tend to say a lot) he yells 'then why don't you FEEL it??" and ugh damn Luke just SELLS all of Roman's emotions and I'm just so impressed with how good he is. But He has a point-- Jane doesn't feel what he feels, and that's partly because she's had time to adjust (she was definitely very upset in early S1) but also she knows things that he doesn't know. She has answers, and that makes a huge difference. I love that even when he gets aggressive, Jane doesn't back away-- she moves closer, speaking gently to him. She just wants to soothe him, but it's not possible, not when he's still missing so much of himself. And definitely won't be possible when it's revealed that she zipped him, because mannnn does he wanna kill Shepherd for that, so thing are gonna get really ugly when he leans the truth.   

WELLER INSTIGATES THE DANCING. I REPEAT, WELLER INSTIGATES THE DANCING. AaaaaaahhhhHHHHHH. Rich is craning his neck trying to see who their target is talking to and Weller is the one to pull him onto the dancefloor so they can surreptitiously (term used loosely since they're a little distinctive) move closer. I love these two, and I love that Weller's letting himself 'loosen up' a little. Tbh I think a part of him does actually like Rich. It helps that Sully and Ennis get along so well because they are just totally able to sell all their interactions ugh. Then they head up to the office to find the target's hidden laptop, and Rich monologues about the guy having stolen something from him, but in doing so practically set him on the path to being Rich DotCom. But think about that, Rich-- if he'd never wronged you, sure you could maybe be a rich famous computer wiz like him, but you would have never gotten to work with this team or meet your 'husband' Weller, or be here playing super spy right now.... so maybe he did you a favour?

Alone in the van, Zapata and Reade finally have a moment to talk, and she calls him out on not being himself today. Thankfully he doesn't just brush it off like he did a few days ago-- I think he's recognised that he needs to get out of the quicksand pit he's in but he can't do it on his own. So he tells Zapata, who he knows won't stand for it. And she won't; she's pissed and incredulous that he would be stupid enough to date (term also used loosely) the ex of the murderer who he helped to flee the city. Weller interrupts their conversation but I'm at least comforted by the fact that Zapata won't let this go. She will get Reade back onto the straight and narrow even if it means camping on his couch and sending away anyone that knocks on the door, dammit

While Rich and Weller find the laptop, Patterson and Boston are trying to figure out how to get the password off the key fob that the target carries with him at all times. After a bit of sniping, Boston has an idea, and grabs Patterson's hand to pull her over to the guy and introduces her as the love of his life, which confuses the guy (I loved his "I thought you were...", though hey cmon, bisexuality can exist, buddy). And lol Patterson is gushing over him which isn't completely fake? Like she did seem like a fan earlier. But meanwhile Boston has picked his pocket and shows her the code over the guy's shoulder, and of course she memorises the dozen or so digits in a moment and then is like 'okay great to meet you byyeeeee' haha before telling Weller the password over the comms. Nice work, team. Except for some reason the guards are suddenly headed their way, which is unfortunate. I do love the parallel to the hacking at the start, where Rich is on the computer and the person with him is like 'we gotta go!'-- and like that time, they get completely busted. And then when Zack (their target) comes in, Weller's about to reveal himself (not in the way Rich would enjoy) but Rich speaks over him, convincing Zack that he was there to steal back the software that he created and which made Zack rich. But omg I’m in love with his shouty voice and the fact his middle name is Meredith and Weller's FACE (literally this look of shock needs to be a reaction gif because it's AMAZING), but lol it all totally works, and Zack sends away the guards and apologises to Rich that he feels that way but makes it clear that he didn't steal anything-- they developed it together and he asked Rich to join him to complete it but Rich stayed to finish college, taking the 'safe way out', and you can see ffrom Rich's face that it's true. And okay Rich said earlier that nobody likes a prequel but seriously I would watch a whole movie about this backstory. For real, show, give it to me now. But anywho turns out their target isn't actually their target after all-- he no longer has any reason to need lots of lithium as he sold that part of his company-- and then he even offers Rich a spot on his team. Naww Rich wants to beat him up and it’s adorable

Aw Jane brings Roman and Nas back to her place to give Roman a chance to settle himself beore they look at any other places. Ugh she's such the caring big sister, getting him water and trying to soothe him and making Nas give him some space. She's so cute and self-conscious about her safehouse (still feel weird about her being back in the same one, given the bad memories of That Night) and he throws back that at least her doors can open when she wants-- and she tells him that they didn't always. Roman's situation is tough because I can see how much it would suck to be locked up and treated pretty much like a prisoner, but at the same time I'm just like 'please be patient, they're trying to trust you' and ughhh it just sucks for everyone involved. And then he seems to try to settle himself, and looks around, noticing the frickin huge bouquet of roses on the table beside the couch. He asks who Oliver is, which means she hasn't talked to Roman about him yet, which is kinda disappointing-- I want her to tell him all about Oliver and Weller and her feelings and I want him to be a confidante for her (and to help her realise that Weller is still the one she wants lol). And then the flowers trigger a memory-- he's in a flower van watching Weller and a dark hairded woman having lunch, and sends a text that says the target (Weller?) is in sight, and gets one back from shepherd telling him to proceed. Aaaaahhhh but with whaaaatttt

So their target isn't Zack, but it's still someone within Daedalus. Patterson uses a camera hidden in a makeup thingie to send video back to 'lenny and squiggy' in the van-- who can also apparently hear her and Boston's conversation, meaning they can hear him complaining endlessly abut Rich but also hear her blow up at him about all the things she went through with Borden and David and ugh my baby has been holding that in for so long. And then lol 'you feel better?' 'kinda'. I love that Boston was the one to be able to help her in a way that no one else had been able to, because while they were gently trying to coax her feelings out of her he just set off a mini explosion which finally let her breathe once it was off her chest. And then by moving back to his problems he shifts the focus off her. I love these twoooo ugh

Meanwhile Rich is also more focused on his own problems-- in his case, acknowledging that he did chicken out and give up on the software in order to finish his degree. But dammit I need more backstory here-- were there other reasons he stayed behind? A mother who desperately wanted to see her son finish college? An elderly grandparent that he was the carer for and couldn't just move to silicone valley and leave them behind? Weller tries to get him to refocus but instead Rich is the one trying to make HIM see clearly-- "don't waste your life on missions. You grab Jane now before somebody else does (...)" and ugh Weller's face. His mouth moves like he's trying to find the words to deny it all and tell Rich to shut up but he knows Rich is hitting the mark. He still wants Jane even though he knows how much he shouldn't. I wish we'd gotten to hear what he would have said in response to that, but then we're interrupted by the beginning of ~the ritual~. And then omg here's another shriek laugh as he says "this better not be a sex thing" and Rich replies "if it is we should probably go along with it right? Don't wanna blow our cover" and omggggg the look Weller gives him. I love these two SO MUCH. I decided to name them ‘Welch’ (I've seen WelCom around which is good too). Ennis approved of Welch tho so I'm sticking to it haha. 

Meanwhile Patterson and Boston managed to avoid being stuck inside for the ritual and are currently sneaking somewhere, and she gives him shit about ‘Boston Arliss Crabb’ being his real name-- she'd thought it was an alias like Rich's, but while everyone here knew Rich as Gord, Boston was just Boston-- and he retorts that she can't talk when her first name is.... aaaand she interrupts him because she sees someone up ahead. Dammit, writers, you're so cruel. Just tell us her name!! Clearly it must be something either quite unusual OR something totally whitebread and boring, since he's judging her for it. Personally I've always stuck with Tiffany, just because I like the thought of her having a super girly name (and one that does seem to get unfairly associated with being an airhead). 

Anyhow Weller and Rich try to leave to go join them to follow this guy, but the guards block their way--- so Weller kicks both their asses and steals one's gun, before heading for the exit with Rich in tow. I love the guy that pipes up "Oh you're definitely banned now, Gord" to which Rich throws back "Oh, suck it, Phineas." Which will now and forever be my new insult hahaha. And then I love the clever little aside "What's wrong with rich people?" "We get bored". Yep, that explains a lot of things happening in the world, doesn't it? Anyway mystery guy heads into another building, pursued by Patterson and Boston (though Boston pauses briefly to admire some art outside) and they step into the deserted building-- only to find him right there waiting for them. They try to talk their way out of it (cue another shriek-laugh at Boston’s "We came in here to have sex with each other" and Patterson’s little "Oh") but unfortunately their acting isn't that great haha. Their fighting is pretty good though-- Patterson takes on the guy with a gun while in heels and wielding just a crowbar, while Boston valiantly tackles the other guy and risks those delicate artist's hands to punch him in the face multiple times. Weller calls for Reade and Zapata, then tells Rich to hold out a hand-- Rich gets all excited thinking he's gonna get a gun, whereas I am inexplicably expecting them to just hold hands-- but instead we're both disappointed as Weller cuffs Rich to the art sculpture out front. But ugh he does it to protect him because he knows he's about to be running into a firefight and doesn't want to put Rich at risk??? Awww my babies do care about each other. I love the subtle nod to gun safety that Rich makes as Weller runs off too. No one can ever say this show isn't at least a little political. But omg Weller gets in there to help but Patterson and Boston have pretty much got it sorted, with her stomping on her guys hand in her heels to get his gun and Boston knocking out his guy with a can of paint. The grin and thumbs up that they share is the MOST ADORABLE thing ever. Are they friends now because I would be so happyyyyy

Outside, Rich's friend from the party finds him cufffed to the sculpture, jokingly asking 'a little trouble with your date?' which lbr is not that far off. But then poor Rich makes the mistake of being honest (that never works out well, bro, you know that) and admits to working with the FBI-- then immediately knows he's about to get a gun pulled on him since he's just found the bad guy. Who does pull out a gun, but just shoots the cuffs to free him, and can I just say I totally called it that Rich has a very girlish scream lol. Thankfully the guy 'needs him alive' for whatever reason so we're safe for now. He also knows that he's Rich Dot Com oooohhhh plot twistttt

Jane and Roman and Nas have found the restaurant where Roman was watching weller. In a strange display of trust (has Nas given Roman some of that tracker water too? I bet she has) she walks off to check in with Weller, leaving Jane and Roman alone-- conveniently meaning that if he has another flash, Jane will be the only one to witness it. Which he does-- he sees a couple hugging in the doorway (they look a lot like one of the couples that was dancing near Weller and Rich actually... same extras?) and then remembers Weller hugging the woman before she got in her car and Roman crashed into her with the van before smothering her. Okay firstly how do you have a crash in the middle of NYC in daytime and then SMOTHER the victim without anyone seeing?? And secondly that kind of asphyxiation leaves evidence such as finger bruises around the mouth-- she wouldn't even need an autopsy to note that. And thirdly oh my godddd she died on the way back from meeting Weller, which means he would have absolutely blamed himself, like 'If only we had met soemwhere else or picked a different day or if I had done this or that differently’ uuughhhhhh my poor babyyyyy why must he suffer so muchhhhhhh

And ugh Roman immediately tells Jane that he killed Weller's friend Emma (ugh in the memory he soothes Emma, telling her it's okay, and ugh thi is awful for everyone involved) and Jane is so horrified that they both had ties to Emma's death, since Emma would have known that Jane wasn't Taylor. And ugh my precious Roman wants to tell Nas straight away, which shows he's already a better person than he was before the wipe-- but Jane won't let him. She's protecting him from Nas and from repercussions of what he did, but she's also protecting Weller from getting this news abruptly thrust upon him. She promises that she'll tell him, and god I hope she will...

Poor Rich is being forced to hack into a computer at gunpoint, in order to open some kind of thing that gets them the stuff they need for a dirty bomb. The bombing itself will be blamed on the poor dead Bolivian guy lying on the floor in the corner-- and so the team is proved right, someone was trying to start a war between the US and another country. Rich is adorably doing his best to talk the guy out of it, saying that the FBI knows the truth and that he'll be caught, but the guy says that once there's been an attack on their own soil, "the truth isn't gonna matter". Wow, again with the politics. This show packs a very subtle punch. And omg Rich is still refusing because he may be a criminal but he doesn't hurt people (generally. I know he did kill that guy in 1x09 but shhhh) and then the baddie SHOOTS HIM IN THE FOOT. Oh Richy my baby, you don't deserve this. Thankfully the team will soon be to your rescue, bc they're tracking you right now (they think you went on the run, so disrespectful of them) and they also found a key thing from the campus lab-- which the tracker says is where Rich is, plus the baddie, whose phone they tracked. Of course hubby immediately jumps to the rescue, finding Rich while the other are still searching. Then omg the baddie grabs Rich and threatens Weller that his 'buddhist friend will get his third eye' and of course Rich has to correct him that that's actually a Hindu thing and both of them yell for him to shut up haha. But ugh baddie is using Rich as a shield and Weller apologises and says he can't let him get away, and Rich is all ‘uh that's okay, why are you apologising’--  and then bam Weller shoots him in the leg, causing him to drop and leaving the baddie exposed, who immediately surrenders (bc lbr, if a guy is willing to shoot a member of his own team, he'll sure as hell shoot you). Weller immediately calls for an ambulance for Rich though, so at least there's that. And lol Rich still manages to give him a jibe about being too obsessed with the movie Speed, which is a cool throwback and is just overall really cute and ugh these two

Nawwww Patterson and Boston deciding maybe they don't totally hate each other after all. And then she sees him looking at the nameplate on the sculpture-- he'd actually made it, back in 2001. I can't quite see how it represents 'Wind through the pines' but then I'm much more of an impressionist fan than a contemporary/abstract fan. But aw she calls him talented and asks how he became a criminal and he looks at Rich and says he followed his heart. Naaawww I ship itttt     

Awwww Mom and Dad visiting their lil boy in hospital. Such a brave boy. And omg Jane is such a sassmaster: "Redemption is its own reward" ahahahahahaaaa oh man I love their relationship. But lbr, there's totally gonna be a knock on Rich's door sometime soon and a nurse will come in and give him a little package that was dropped off for him, and he’ll open it to find a little plastic medal with HERO stamped on the front and he will cherish it FOREVER. Also lol when she pats his thigh does he say "geeez that's close?" aka being mildly sexual or am I just mishearing him saying “geez that hurts”? But then just as mom and dad are about to leave him all alone in the big scary hospital, he entices them with solving another tattoo, revealing that he knows exactly what they're up to-- which is fascinating?? Does he know why they're trying to solve them? How far does his knowledge go?? Will this turn out to be one of those things where someone could have found out all the answers they were seeking just by asking the right person? (like Weller showing Jane the yearbook that led them to Shepherd's real name?) And then ughhhh he only asks for Boston to be moved to minimum security. This guy is too cute sometimes. Also lol "I'm here every other week" yaaaasss please come back every week lol. I love that they've set him up to come back, ugh thank you writers

Oooh Patterson's read up on Dr Sun, apparently she was present in Nas's team at the NSA when the Sandstorm mole was revealed, had even expressed concerns about the person herself. But that doesn't mean we should trust her! Dr Sun is almost as shady as Nas is, definitely do not tell her ANYTHING. 

Lol Reade, coming home to a clean, empty apartment is a GOOD thing. Tell you what's not a good thing? Cocaine!! Gawd man what are you dooooooinggggggg. You need to see someone abput this self-destructive behaviour (not Dr Sun though) before you combust!

Awww Jeller strolling through the corridors together, joking about Patterson and Rich, being all super cute... and then he asks about Roman and she clams up. NO JANE NO. YOU KNOW WHAT LYING LEADS TO, PLEASE LEARN YOUR LESSON AND TELL HIM BEFORE HE FINDS OUT SOME OTHER WAY. YOU'RE ALREADY IN THIS SAME PREDICAMENT WITH ROMAN, DON'T BOX YOURSELF IN ON ALL SIDES UGHHHHH. Seriously honey you need to go to his apartment later with more beers, sit him down and tell him everything. He's not the same out-of-control guy that arrested you, I swear. Ughh. But ugh then he admits he actually kinda maybe enjoyed spending the day with Rich (oh how Rich would weep with joy to hear that) and then they bond over the fact that Weller got to shoot him, something they have all low-key (or high-key) wanted to do since the moment they met him haha. And ugh this is such a cute little jokey moment (remember when they couldn't even bear to look at each other and now there's heart eyes everywhere again ughhhh) and lbr Weller might even have been about to offer to get some drinks or something when they are-- as always-- interrupted, this time by a text from Oliver. Which in a way I'm happy about because it led to the casually awkward (or awkwardly casual) little exchange about her going on a date and gave Weller the opportunity to realise he doesn't really like the idea of Jane being out on dates with people who aren't him. Bet Rich’s warning is ringing in your ears now, huh buddy??

Oh I forgot this scene even existed. Apparently Nas and Weller can't figure out what the Truman protocol is, other than there might have been some meetings in the 40s. And then woahhhh here's a twist with the next scene: Borden is working with that Zack Riley guy, who is apparently a key player in Sandstorm's Phase Two! Boom. Hope this means Rich can come back and engage in some kind of hack-war with him to defuse the missile....      

Anyway phew done with like twenty mins to spare, time to get my livestream set up for today’s ep! 

#Blindspot #Blindspot recap #Jeller #RICH RICH RICH RICH RICHHHHH #I love this ep so freakin much omg