#we got off easy with grandpa bc he died before it got too bad but with grandma it just kept getting Worse | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aerodaltonimperial · 6 months

Note

May I please get Hook attempting to show affection and failing miserably? ie -attempting physical affection and punching/headbutting someone at normal strength instead of at joke strength because he didn't know you're supposed to hold back or hugging/holding onto a handshake for inappropriately long bc he has no idea how those work or what the cues are -gift giving and having his brain absolutely combust when the other person does not like chips, as eating snacks together is his #1 way of being a buddy and he has NO idea where to go without that option -trying really really really hard to hold a conversation and accidentally coming off as annoying or brainless -puts his all into assuring someone with compliments and accidentally backhandedly insults them instead

All of these just being spitballs off the top of my head, no need to stick to any of them. Preferably Besties but really it would be fun with anyone he's ever associated with. Just him trying so so sooooo hard because he is so full of love and being doomed hilariously (but obviously still loved back despite that)

(When I got this last night I was like HILARIOUS but I couldn't get to it until today and today my brain woke up going no funny only feels so.... oops 🧡🤜🤛💚)

When he was in first grade, a group of boys at school always played together during recess: silly kid games, full of superheroes and bad guys and flying and, inexplicably, sheep, and Hook spent a few days watching them zoom around the blacktop before he decided he wanted to join. He went in halfway through, knocked one of them down onto the gravel, and then asked the rest where the superhero operations base was.

"You can't just barge in here!" One of them shrieked, offended. "You can't just come in and decide we are friends!"

Hook hadn't tried to do that again. And he hadn't thought about that disastrous attempt in quite some time. But when he saw Jack Perry getting jumped by the Firm, he barged out without thinking, like he had that day on the playground. He barreled into the bad guys, and then he stuck his hand out for Jack to take, a slightly updates version of his 6-year-old self's instinctive attempt to forget friendship.

Jack's eyes had lit up. He'd taken Hook’s hand. And even later, backstage, when Hook expected him to push Hook away again, he hadn't done it. He hadn't told Hook that Hook can't just decide they are friends through physical force. Instead, he stuck close and sat next to Hook while getting checked by medical.

And Hook thought: oh. Maybe we are friends, now.

In fourth grade, Hook had one friend who lived down the street, because that's the way childhood friendships worked: location. They would ride bikes and play with action figures and sit in Hook’s basement playing Playstation games, and it was an easy camaraderie because they had a lot of the same interests and followed the same baseball team. Then his friend's grandfather died, and all the other kids at school got some gifts, since everyone knew how close they had been.

He got baseball cards and a t-shirt and a limited edition comic book, and then, when Hook handed him a bag of chips, everyone around them had burst into laughter.

"Seriously?" One of them said. "His grandpa died and you're giving him chips?"

Hook doesn't say that they always eat chips together, and it makes Hook happy, so he assumed that it made his friend happy, too. He doesn't say that he had thought this would bring comfort and familiarity when his friend needed something. He just left. And they stopped playing together after that.

After he fishes Jack out of the dumpster, they sit backstage. Hook pulls a bag of chips out of his backpack and offers it without thinking; he doesn't make a connection that maybe chips won't help after being attacked and humiliated. He doesn't think about Jack not liking the chips. He just knows that if he were sitting there, feeling low, he would want something to offer a burst of serotonin. He panics with the bag outstretched between them.

Jack smiles, genuine. He takes the bag. "Oh. Hey, thanks. Man, I was really hungry. And I love these."

They sit side by side as Jack chomps on the Doritos, and Hook's chest feels warm.

In high school, Hook played lacrosse. They made it to state, lost, and then the next year, made it again. The second time, they won. They worked all season and trained until they could hardly breathe, and they won. Hook was so overcome, so excited, and bursting with gratitude and affection for his teammates. He threw his arms around his closest friend on the team and hugged him tight enough to steal both their breath away.

He'd been pushed away, rather abruptly. "Dude, what the fuck," his friend had laughed, kind of tinny. Uncomfortable. "You're so touchy-feely."

Hook hadn't thought that he was; he thought it was natural to reach out, to seek warmth, to desire a physical contact with people he liked. After that, he hung back. Didn't offer anything more than a fist bump, because people didn't take it the same way, as simply the instinctive wish to make meaningful contact. It sucked, but he adapted.

Until the tag match against LFI, when Hook ends up covered in Preston Vance's blood. When he stumbles his way back to the center of the ring after throwing the man around in the stands, with crimson coating his hair. They've won, but Hook knows he has to look a fright.

Jack moves in, and Hook does, too, without thinking. They hug, just like that, between the ropes, and it’s so fucking nice. Jack ducks his head out of the hard cam line and asks, near Hook's ear, frantic, "You okay? You hurt?"

"I'm okay," Hook says. He reaches again, twice, just to prove that Jack is also okay, that he's still solid and steady and warm. That they won. That the excitement bubbling up through Hook’s chest is real. And Jack doesn't push him away. Jack's arms go around him each time, just as eager. Just as determined to claw out that physical closeness in the wake of an impressive victory.

They used to tell him that he was overwhelming. That his texts about everything and nothing, all the time, were too much. That he needs to have 10 good friends instead of one best friend, so he isn't so intense all the time, so weirdly possessive over his friendships. Hook doesn't hate everyone. He's not trying to be stand-offish. It's just that the only way he knows how to be a friend is to be everything, all the time, at maximum level.

Maybe Hook is a little different. Maybe he's a little bit odd, just a hair off from the rest. Maybe his idea of friendship doesn't match up with everyone else. But maybe it was always just a matter of finding someone on the same wavelength.

After that match, they sit shoulder to shoulder on Jack’s hotel bed, freshly showered. They've got a movie on. Jack has leaned over against Hook’s hoodie; his warmth is comfortable. Hook lets his head fall against Jack’s hair. Maybe Hook really is weirdly intense when it comes to friendships, but hey: turns out, Jack is just as fucking weird about it. When Hook sends 12 texts in a row, Jack responds to every single one of them.

"Haha," Jack laughs, popping a Cheeto into his mouth. Hook can feel the laughter rumbling through both their skin. "Think he's gonna regret sparing that guy's life?"

Almost assuredly. "Hey," Hook says, apropos of nothing, just because the emotion is swelling in his chest. "You're my best friend."

"Duh," Jack replies, like it's obvious. "You're mine, too."

#tag so you don't lose this shit #heel turn? i don't know her

32 notes · View notes

mysteryofren · 4 years

Text

Your Last Words To The First Order

chapter 33 of So Happy Together

Masterlist

note: EMOTIONS! EMOTIONS ALL OVER THE PLACE I HOPE YOU ENJOY BC I CRIED WRITING THIS. also next chapter were gonna see some satine, and reader fluff, maybe some obi-wan and satine fluff too!

You pulled into the driveway of your grandfather's house. The lights were off letting you know he wasn't home. The boys hadn’t gotten there yet, but they were close behind you. You and the girls got out, and headed inside the house. Gideon greeted you at the door, and you knelt down so you could pet him. He wagged his tail so hard his whole body was shaking around. He licked your cheeks, before running over to Elaine to greet her. You heard the boys pull in,and you opened the door for them. They all came in, and Kylo walked right over to where Gideon sat. He seemed to really like dogs, and you found it cute. He seemed to hate everything, and everyone, but the only thing you've seen him genuinely smile at is Gideon. He sat on the couch, and Gideon followed after him. They played on the couch while the rest of you packed up the last few things you would need for the trip.

You, and Hux made trips back and forth to take the bags to the car. Soon your grandfather came home. He pulled in, and saw you packing the last few things into the car.

“Hello there,” he said as he got out of his car. “How was your day at Amilyns?”

“Emotional. Not nearly as emotional as tomorrow will be though.”

“Give Elaine your keys. You, me and Gideon are taking the Truck.” you nodded and headed inside to let everyone know it was time to go. You grabbed Gideons bowls, a bag of food, and his meds, and put them in your backpack. You grabbed his leash and put it on him and took him out to the truck. You handed Elaine the keys, and got into the truck with your grandfather and Gideon.

The campgrounds weren’t far, but the ride felt like it took forever. There was a sadness you felt deep in your heart. Not only because these were the few hours of the first order, but because this was your first time at those campgrounds since your mama had died. The last time you had been there she was healthy, and hadn’t shown any signs of the sickness that took her. The last time you were here you were 14, and you had a rough year, and wanted a weekend to relax and be with your favorite people. You had a rough year, but 2 weeks after that it got worse as she showed signs that she was getting weaker. A year after that she was gone. Going back made you nervous. You were going to relive those memories there.

“You're thinking of her.” your pop pop said. “I am too.”

“This is our first time back since the last time.”

“I know. That's all I thought about last night. We tried so hard to avoid going back. I think it'll be good though.”

“Hopefully.” you said quietly.

He turned into the entrance of the campgrounds. You felt a wave of nervousness take over your body. It was fairly easy to find parking that had room for all three cars. You grabbed the tents first, and you all made your way to the spot you had reserved. Your grandfather insisted on setting up the tents with the girls. Hux stayed back to help them while you, Kylo, Matt, and Ben went back to the car for the sleeping bags. You stayed close to Matt, and talked to him while you grabbed the bags from your car. Kylo wanted to take Gideon, who you had left in the car for a bit while you took everything to the site, along with the bags. You handed him the keys and he got the old dog out of the truck. He picked him up with ease, and went back to the site. Ben kept trying to get near you, but you tried your best to evade him. It was your last day as a group, and you didn't want him ruining it.

The tents were almost done when you got back, and people already started calling dibs on who they were sleeping with. Matt and Elaine had decided to share the smallest tent. It had enough room for 2 people, and when they realized that they took it. Hux, to his dismay, had to sleep with Kylo, and Ben. You know he didn't like Ben that much, but you were sure him and Kylo could get along. You, Phasma, and Pop pop were sharing a tent. Gideon would be sleeping in your tent too. You set up your sleeping bag in the tent taking the middle spot. While Phasma set up hers you got the fire started for you all to sit around. Ben was the first one to come sit by the fire. He smiled at you, and you tried your best not to smile back.

“So what do we have to eat for tonight?” he asked.

“Uhh I think we packed hot dogs, and stuff for s’mores. You know typical camping foods.”

“Good point.” He said awkwardly. You both sat in silence before you finally asked him.

“Why did you and Rey break up?” he looked like he was about to answer when Kylo interrupted.

He walked over to you, and took a seat right next to you. He did the same as Ben and smiled at you. There was nothing holding you back from Kylo so you smiled back at him. Soon everyone was done, and you all sat around the fire. Hux, Phasma, and your grandfather were talking about Phasmas program. Matt, Elaine, and Ben were talking about a show that they all happened to be watching. That only left you, and Kylo. he sat next to you watching everyone talk as he pet Gideons head which sat in his lap.

“So are you excited to get back to your school?” you asked him.

“I'm not sure. On one hand I'm ready to graduate, but on the other hand this is the most fun I've had at home.”

“You're having fun?” his only answer was a slow nod.

“That's good. I'm glad you like being a part of the group. I think you fit in well with us.”

“I find myself enjoying your company the most.” you felt your face heat up as soon as the words left his mouth. He was hot. All Solo boys had a certain charm to them. Matt had the dorky gentleman appeal. Ben had the cute boy next door thing going for him. Kylo on the other hand had the hot bad boy thing going on. He had little scars all over him, and he had long dark hair. And on top of that he had the attitude that let everyone around him know he didn't care about anything. Something about it just attracted you. You both stayed talking until your grandfather brought out the little hot dogs to start cooking.

You all grabbed sticks and started cooking your own hot dogs. You all ate while everyone continued their own conversations. After everyone had finished and Elaine stood up.

“So I wasn't going to do this, but Amilyn inspired me.” she climbed onto the log she was sitting on and stood above everyone.

“I love you guys more than anything in this world. I remember when Y/N asked if I wanted to get dinner at Maz’s. I didn't think anything of it. I expected it to be just another normal dinner for us. Little did I know we would run into Hux, and Phas. the next few days we hung out more, and more.” she crouched down and hugged Matt.

“Then a few days later. I started talking to this one more, and found out that he was friends with them too. I've had a crush on him since I was 15, but i never expected anything to happen, because 1, I already rejected him, and 2 I always told myself school was the thing I needed to focus on the most.” they kissed before she continued.

“You guys changed my life so much. Phas I hate that you're leaving, what could have been our first, and last summer together. I wish we could all go with you and experience New York together. Instead. We all have to go through that terror at separate times.” Phasma smiled at Elaine with tears in her eyes. Elaine then looked at your grandfather and began speaking to him.

“Obi-wan. I love you man. My grandpa died when I was young, and my other one died way before I was born. You treat me as if I'm your own grandchild. You love me the way more than my own grandma sometimes, and I couldn't ask you for anything else. Please promise that no matter where I am, or what I do, I'm always welcome to come home to you, Y/N and Gideon.”

She was crying. So was he. You got up from your spot next to Kylo, and walked over to him to wipe his tears away.

“Elaine, my dear. You will always be welcome in my house. And anytime you need me, you call, and I will be right there.” Elaine stepped down from where she was, and ran over to you two. She sat on one side of your grandfather, and you sat on the other. You both hugged him tight and he did the same, as he kissed the top of your heads. Just then Hux stood up, and cleared his throat.

“I have some things I would like to say as well. Not out loud, seeing as I'm terrible at saying things out loud. I wrote you each a letter. Each one says exactly how I feel about each of you. I brought Phasmas so I could give it to her now. The rest of you will receive them upon my departure to Oxford.” He opened his jacket and pulled out a small envelope. He looked at it before handing it over to Phasma. She smiled at it, and tucked it away.

“I'll open it when I leave.” she told him. He looked around before speaking again.

“There is one thing I would like to say out loud.” you all looked at him. Kylo and Ben included.

“These past few months have been the best of my life. I never had friends other than Phasma before. And you all make me feel like I'm worth being loved. Even you two imbeciles.” he pointed to Ben and Kylo.

“I don't know what I'm going to do without you all by my side.” he sat back down next to Phasma and she hugged him. After a moment Matt stood up.

“Well I guess we're all doing this.” he said with a goofy smile. He rubbed his hands together as he thought for a moment.

“I'm not really sure what to say, so I'm just gonna say things as they come to my head. Uhhh. you guys. Are awesome. I mean I've had friends, but none as diehard as you guys. I mean you guys are the best you have literally been there for everything these past few months.” he looked over to Hux.

“Hux, man, I have told you things I've never told anyone, and you never think I'm weird or nerdy. We are always like on the same level man, and I can't think of someone more suited to be my best friend.” He turned his attention to Phasma.

“Phas, you have helped me so much with me, and Elaine. That first date I had no idea what to do, and you literally sat down with me and planned the whole thing.” he then looked to Elaine.

“AND YOU. you are the most amazing girlfriend I could ever ask for. You're everything to me babe. I can't imagine who I would be without you even being my friend. I never thought I would ever be with you and I'm so happy you finally decided to give me a chance. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you.” they smiled at each other before he moved on.

“Y/N. dude. You are seriously the best. All throughout high school we always talked and paired up on projects. I mean we probably will this year too. You have been through a lot this year, and you manage to get through it everytime. It's insane. You never once let anything get to you. Not classes. Not Rey. Not even Ben. I look up to you so much.” That's what got you. You finally started crying. The tears fell down your face as you smiled at him.

“And obi-wan. I think I speak for all of us when I say you are as much a part of this group as any of us are. I mean I love my dad, I do, but you're like a second dad to us. I love all of you guys so fucking much.” Everyone told Matt they loved him too, and he sat back down. Phasma stood up next.

“Guess it's my turn.” she said. “There's a lot I could say about you guys. I'll just say the main things though. You guys. Are unbelievable. I mean. I never imagined having such amazing friends. You too Obi-Wan. You guys are more than my friends. You guys are my family.”

You wiped the tears of your face as she sat down. This was it. Whatever you said now would be your last words to the first order. You stood up and decided trying not to cry would be useless.

“Ok my turn.” you felt tears welling up in your eyes. “You guys. I never had friends. I’ve always been alone. Ever since I was a kid.” they all looked at you. Even Ben, and Kylo.

“Meeting Elaine was the best thing to happen to me, and then to meet the rest of you. To have you all be my friends. I would consider that a miracle. You guys are so amazing. I have been through a lot these past few months. I mean. I met Ben, and it all went to shit, and you guys were right there to catch me when I fell. When I met Cal, and I went on those dates with him you guys cheered me on. Now look at us. Hux, and El are in college. Me, Matt, and Phas are in our last year of high school. Dont think im forgetting you Kylo, you're almost done with College.” he gave you that same smirk Han had.

“And pop pop. I love you to the moon and back. I don't know how I could've made it this far without you. And Mama. I miss her so much, but to have you here. To be friends with my friends. To have you raise me. I lucked out With you.” at this point you were about to sob. You sat back down to keep yourself from crying anymore than you were. You immediately felt your grandfather's arms around you. You cried into his shoulders for a few minutes before pulling away to clear your face. He then stood up.

“I believe I am next. I can not thank all of you enough for being there for my granddaughter. It hurt seeing her by herself all these years. The moment I saw all you together I knew you all were destined to be, as the kids say, best friends forever. Each of you have amazing qualities, and together you 6 are unstoppable. You all bring out the best in each other, and I know the world isn't ready for you all.” you all listened while he spoke.

“With that being said. I love each and every one of you as if you were my own kids. I can't wait to watch you all finish growing up. Even you young Ben.” He smiled, and Ben smiled back at him. He sat back down. Everyone had said something. All except one person, who you honestly didn't expect to speak, because he hadn't been a part of the first order very long. He stood up, and cleared his throat as he looked at everyone awkwardly.

“Uhhh. I haven't been a part of this group for long, but today was the best day I've ever had at home. You guys are really nice, and ill look forward to coming home now.” he sat down and looked at the floor awkwardly. Matt had that goofy smile on his face that said he was about to do something he shouldn't.

“AWWW GUYS I THINK KYLO NEEDS A HUG!!!” he screamed as he lunged towards his oldest brother. You all got up, and swarmed Kylo. all of you hugged him and squeezed tight. You were closest to his head so you lovingly rubbed your face against his. You felt him smile as you did so, and all of you stayed holding him.

“Ok I think that's enough now.” He said. Everyone let go of him and went back to their spots. You could see Kylo was trying not to smile.

“Ok now that we have all gotten our final words out I believe it's time for bed.” Your grandfather stood up, and everyone did the same. You all said goodnight to each other with hugs, and kisses as you began to part to your own tents. Your grandfather had gotten to the tent first. When you and Phasma got in he was already drifting away, so you tried to get settled as quickly as you could. Once you were settled in your sleeping bag you closed your eyes in hopes that sleep would come over you quickly.

Tags: @wumboho @pylopenpolo @duty-isnt-always-honour

10 notes · View notes

solitaria-fantasma · 4 years

Text

((Extensive Session #3 highlights.))

We go to Von Trikona’s tower and are greeted by three students and a handful of golems.

Humphry eyes Mountain with abject terror.

Von Trikona gives us the preserved bodies wrapped in burial shrouds, and teleports us to the town of Fwee - just past the security gates, but not right in town square.

The map for the town of Fwee is heckin’ pretty.

“Oh no...oh no, I fucked up. I made a mistake! UwU!!!”

“Please don’t comment on the corpse-shaped backpacks!”

Udaji may be tol and stronk but she is also dumb and can’t roll higher than a 10 on her Perception checks.

“The only ones who don’t blend in with the local crowd are the Halfling and the Dragonborn.” Claus and I just can’t catch a break…

We walked around the marketplace with the preserved corpse backpacks for a while as we asked for directions to the Rose family home.

Mountain’s intimidation checks are on-point.

Udaji’s average Perception roll is a 4 while the rest of the party averages around 16.

It has been decided that this scaly baby should never have been allowed out of town on her own.

Somebody in this town is throwing mud balls and glitter bomb darts at our rogue and Udaji is seeing NONE of it.

“Claus would like to point out that you’re covered in paint.”

We entered a house and the DM resized our icons to reflect the height differences. It looked like a bad game of Agar.io and I was winning.

Matthias - still covered in paint - was politely asked not to sit on the furniture, and handed a single tiny-ass napkin to ‘clean up’ with.

“Yeeeaaahhh...there was no easy way to do this, was there?”

“Is it more disrespectful to put the bodies on the ground or the table?”

“It might be more disrespectful to try and unwrap the bodies one handed and risk dropping them.”

“Above the board, do we have to tell her that the bandits were already dead when we found them?”

Matthias ‘accidentally’ smeared paint on the servant on his way out, and offered him the tiny-ass napkin back.

Lady Rose thanked us for returning her family’s bodies, but asked us to give her some time to process her loss.

We then went to the magic district (mostly wizards, mostly elven) to get started on the errands we promised to run between Von Trikona and her friend Vincent.

We knocked on the door, heard a loud ‘CRASH’, and poked our heads through the unlocked door Scooby-Doo style.

The DM promptly had us roll for initiative.

I keep forgetting to select my token BEFORE rolling for initiative heck.

“Hopefully you guys don’t die.”

“Gotta be honest - I’ve thought about what character I’d bring in if Udaji DID die. But it would be really, REALLY sad.”

I had to run down to get dinner and missed half a turn of combat but I made it back just in time for my second go.

“Oh! Udaji! You missed this part, but the old wizard man has cried out for you to not set anything on fire.”

“Can do! That’s not my kind of dragon heritage!!”

The old wizard man is ‘Vincent Oman’ - an artificer. We returned his stuff, and he offered us dinner.

“This guy is, like, peak Grandpa. He’s very happy to have people over.”

Vincent has not heard of Lord Hassan, but recalled an enchanted lockbox a cohort of his (Ceri, another artificer) had made on commission for the dowry of a local girl marrying a man in the next kingdom over.

That lockbox (enchanted to be neigh on impossible to break into) was part of Clarissa Rose’s dowry, and now I’m sad.

Vincent drew us a map to Ceri’s house, and then we nearly left without picking up Maxine’s books (three advanced spellbooks & some of her notes).

He also offered to let us sleep in his attic for the night, since it was getting late, only asking us to try and keep quiet, as he was a delicate sleeper.

Matthias finally got to wash off the paint in the ‘waterifier’ (re: magical, water-creating shower).

Vincent reminds Udaji too much of her own dad, and she took one point of homesickness damage. Vincent gave her heartwarming life advice, and more food.

“It’s okay if you get sad sometimes, when traveling far from home. You will find people who will not, perhaps, fill the void, but surely make it feel less empty.”

I’m going to adopt Vincent holy heck

Ceri confirmed that the lockbox was commissioned to keep safe a dowry traveling a long distance, and told us that it could only be opened by using two skeleton keys simultaneously.

We had found one of said skeleton keys in the bandit/necromancer lair back in Session 1.

“We were too eager to shout ‘MURDER!’ in front of the guards back in Torrin so now we’re afraid to whisper it in Fwee.”

Ceri confirmed that the key we found is one of the lockbox’s two keys.

We then debated for five minutes who the key, lockbox, and dowry would legally belong to, now that Clarissa and Donald are dead, but never officially reached the wedding.

“This is not the kind of law my family studies!”

Ceri whispered a few rumors of engagements in the area that had fallen through due to ‘accidents’ which saw the dowries go missing, and that the enchanted lockbox had been commissioned by the Rose family to protect against that.

He then told us to get out of his house.

“That’s the kindest ‘GTFO’ I’ve ever gotten.”

“We haven’t heard back from Lady Rose yet, but I feel like it would be too awkward to go back to her house and knock on the door like “Hey, are you done grieving yet?”. The answer is probably ‘no’...”

“Maybe if we walk around town, someone will try to throw more paint at Matthias.”

We wandered around the marketplace for a while, trying to lure out the mysterious woman who’d been throwing things at us the day before.

[Just to set a little reference - this is all happening within the first two hours of the campaign.]

Matthias got egged, and we chased the perpetrator into a public park.

Mountain got distracted by the beautiful view, and Matthias threatened the woman with his bow. The woman pulled her own bow and threatened right back.

“I am going to swing my lute around in front of me to act as a shield in a worst case scenario. I’m not taking an arrow over an egg.

THE WOMAN. IS MATTHIAS’. CHILD.

DM: “How long has it been since you last spoke with your lover?”

Matthias: “Let’s say it’s been….twenty-five years, seven months.”

The kid’s name is Astrid, and she is mAJORLY pissed off at ‘dad’.

Udaji is backing away from the awkward family reunion, and Mountain is still distracted by the park scenery and has no idea.

“You’re Hohenheim, and she’s Edward.”

[I understood that reference!!]

“Udaji makes eye contact with Mountain and shakes her head like “Don’t get involved you’ll regret it”.”

Mountain officially confirmed for Tiefling.

Claus tries to calm Astrid with the blessings of Lathander. She refuses. Udaji bends over a little and pats Claus on the shoulder consolingly.

His player has difficulty articulating it (and honestly, who wouldn’t? Words are hard), but Matthias is legitimately upset to hear that his lover had died.

“You go up to her and give her a hug with a pat-pat?”

“She immediately starts sobbing in your arms.”

“I shed a single manly tear.”

Mountain has only just now caught up to the fact that these rogues know each other.

Astrid is now refusing to leave. Udaji is still the party baby.

“The only reason I was allowed out of town is because nobody could physically stop me.”

“Claus gives you a comforting pat on your hip, as that’s about as high as he can reach.”

After all that chaos, we were approached by a servant from the Rose family, calling us back to Lady Rose’s house.

Her name is now Ingrid Rose, because the DM forgot to name her until this very moment. Mood.

Matthias is still covered in egg.

Lady Rose admits that she thought the offer of marriage from Lord Bryant Hassan to her daughter was too good to be true.

She also admits that she thought the Lord had asked for a rather greedy amount of dowry with the proposal.

“Were any of my husband or daughter’s possessions recovered?”

Don’t look at Matthias. Don’t look at Matthias. Don’t look at Matthias.

Lady Rose asks us to look into the recovery of the enchanted lockbox that was carrying her daughter’s dowry, and offers to reward us for it.

She ALSO asks us to put a knife in the throat of whomever arranged her daughter’s death, should we find it to not, in fact, be a tragic accident.

Astrid is basically June from AtLA but without Nyla.

Everybody stocks up on rations for a long trip back to return Maxine Von Trikona’s books.

We get on the road back to Torrin, retracing the ill-fated Rose party’s steps as we go.

After two days on the road, we come across a seemingly wounded man on the side of the road, by an overturned cart.

He asks us for gold to get back on his feet.

Udaji immediately fell for it, and had to be physically stopped from reaching for her gold.

Miraculously, we all managed to avoid a bunch of mysterious projectiles and whistling noises.

Interestingly, both of the guard corpses we had ‘interviewed’ reported hearing a whistling noise before their death.

Mountain took an arrow to the horn, but only three points of damage.

We were all tired by this point and there were a lot of bandits so combat was looooooong.

Claus has two waiting Bardic Inspiration dice and is having a very good day.

“You’re going to shoot THROUGH your daughter and your cleric??”

ONE BANDIT DOWN!

I charged at a bandit, sword drawn, but couldn’t quite make it there in one turn, so I added an intimidating roar for good measure.

I rolled a nat 20, therefore proving that I inherited SOMEthing from my white dragon mother, and the bandit pissed himself.

THREE BANDITS DOWN!

I took 8 points of damage from the other bandits and it’s a good thing the DM had us level up at least once bc if I’d still had my lvl. 1 total of 9hp that damage would have damn near killed me.

“Ew, he’s got a skull face with horns! ...oh, wait, he’s just ugly nevermind.”

“If I cast the magic, but Matthias says the words, can we duet ‘Vicious Mockery’?”

“My mother [the white dragon] would be proud of that, and I’m not sure I’M proud of that.”

I stand corrected: Astrid is a ranger, not a rogue.

Dragonborn zoomies.

“I may be wearing a flower crown, but I’m still scary.”

I have now decided that there will be - at minimum - one fight where I take off my flower crown and force someone else in the party to hold it.

Probably Claus.

SIX BANDITS DOWN!

“Well, they identify as a corpse right now, so…”

We got distracted for another five minutes arguing about how useful Hawkeye was to the Avengers in the MCU vs. how useful Hawkeye was to Loki in the MCU, which spawned from the DM apologizing for her slowness in playing out Astrid’s turn, as she had never played a Ranger before because she thought they were useless.

Poor Hawkeye.

The bandit captain tried to ambush Astrid, hit her with one of two scimitars, and failed his dagger roll badly enough to stab himself.

Claus - incredibly inspired by Udaji’s music and heroics - saved Mountain from dying.

Udaji keeps rolling really well on attacks and damage...if only I could shuffle some of those over into Perception.

Astrid got the killing shot on the bandit captain.

I looted his body, and found (2) scimitars, tattered leather armor, the queen piece from a set of dragon chess, and (7) silver.

I took the chess piece, and nothing else.

Astrid found footprints leading back to the bandits’ camp, so we took over it for the night.

We leveled up! Woo!!!

Zone of Truth. Zone of TrUTH. ZONE OF TRUTH-

And College of Creation. This is gonna be fun!!!

#OOC #Quarantine D&D #((these keep getting longer and longer...))#((I need to learn to summarize))

3 notes · View notes

blue-pincushion · 6 years

Text

TAGGED BY: @intolerablestrength woah thanks so much!!! O: TAGGING: oh shit here we go ! @team-phantom / @greendrums69 , @crimsonxblur , @1110-01111011 , @diamondintherouge / @wishesareeternal , @mercenaries-for-hire , @terminalvelocityau (pick your fave muse rn!) , @rothotnik , @fishing-purple-cat , @blunderbots , @birdboyofbabylon !

[ throwing this under a read more because it got long OOPS ]

— BASICS.

▸ IS YOUR MUSE TALL / SHORT / AVERAGE ? SHORT. hes literally 3′3 he’s the size of a hecking toddler but that’s what you get for being a mobian hedgehog lmfao. by mobian standards i’d say he’s probably average i guess? some mobians are way bigger and some are smaller than him it kinda varies from species to species. by mobian hedgehog standards i’d say he’s probably still average, maybe a little bit taller than the average hedgehog but yeah lmao

▸ ARE THEY OKAY WITH THEIR HEIGHT ? it doesn’t really bother him that much until he’s forced to be compared to humans tbh like, especially when it comes to height restrictions for certain human contraptions such as a roller coaster designed for humans that he’s too small to ride honestly that shit ticks him off so much LET HIM RIDE IT DAMN IT

▸ WHAT’S THEIR HAIR LIKE ? long, pointy, and blue. LOL no but for real his fur texture is short and soft, a little fuzzy in some places, although where it nears his back his hair becomes very tough and pointy and it’s hard to see where his fur ends and his quills begin since the color makes them blend together so much. if you look closely you can see all the individual quills he’s got, they kinda just grow a certain way that makes them clump together in those spikes you see on his head and back. they can still be styled though although it’s not the most comfortable experience

▸ DO THEY SPEND A LOT OF TIME ON THEIR HAIR / GROOMING ? the most grooming sonic does is a quick shower, scrub down with some soap, and maybe brush some knots out of his fur if it’s bugging him. he’s absolutely the worst with remembering to groom his quills though and Tails has had to pluck loose ones out of Sonic many times before because it was driving the hedgehog nuts

sonic doesn’t really style his quills, they just are naturally spiked that way

▸ DOES YOUR MUSE CARE ABOUT THEIR APPEARANCE / WHAT OTHERS THINK ? not really! he’s confident in his looks so he doesn’t really worry much, although admittedly he’s a lil insecure about the very thin patch of fur on his tummy where you see that tan circle because he’s got OTHER male hedgehog friends who’ve got floof. how come he didn’t inherent his dad’s floof?? :c not cool

does he care about what others think about his appearance? nope he gets constant validation all the time from adoring fans who consider him to be a dream boat so honestly he’s not worried. he’s got his own style and is comfortable with it

— PREFERENCES.

▸ INDOORS OR OUTDOORS ?

outdoors absolutely. this is sonic the freakin hedgehog come ON man. there’s no room to run inside! there’s no fresh air! no open space! where’s he gonna get his adventure fix if he’s just stuck inside all day? booooo!

▸ RAIN OR SUNSHINE ? both! while sonic very much enjoys the sun and finding a warm patch of sunlight to nap in, rain is also one of his favorite types of weather too. while he may be afraid of deep water, any other forms of experiencing water is lovely and the rain is really refreshing to run and splash in ▸ FOREST OR BEACH ? okay sonic admittedly loves the beach and grew up with one literally a 2 minute walk away from his house but since there’s not much really to do besides look at how pretty the beach is he’ll have to go with forests. more stuff to explore and what not tbh. ▸ PRECIOUS METALS OR GEMS ? Gems for sure. he’s had a lot of fun playing with precious gems 👀 ▸ FLOWERS OR PERFUMES ? Oh for sure flowers, Sonic’s a huge flower and nature enthusiast and he enjoys the natural floral scents that they produce, plus they’re very pretty! ▸ PERSONALITY OR APPEARANCE ? Personality hands down. if the person just LOOKS nice but has no personality then whats the point ?? ▸ BEING ALONE OR BEING IN A CROWD ? it kinda depends. sonic doesn’t mind being in the presence of a lot of people but he’d prefer if he didn’t have all their attention and wasn’t lost in the throng of it. he’d rather be off to the side where he can do his own thing but still enjoy the presence of others. he’s a weird extrovert like that LOL ▸ ORDER OR ANARCHY ? While he understands that order is important and it’s good for people to have moral structure in their lives, sometimes he just can’t do with the rules set in stone. sonic may be a good guy but in his mind sometimes being the good guy means you gotta break the rules ▸ PAINFUL TRUTHS OR WHITE LIES ? It... depends, honestly. is the painful truth about him or someone/something else? is he the one lying or is he the one being lied to?

sonic has a really bad habit with compulsively lying about his own well being so that others don’t worry about him, but when others lie to him about something (if it’s a really important something, not like minor stuff--- minor stuff he can let slide) then he Can’t Stand That. Which makes him a pretty huge hypocrite for hating white lies from other people but in his mind’s eye he puts other people first before him because he’s so darn selfless so it’s not really a big deal he’s sacrificing his well being for other’s right? he’s saving lives and making people happy right ?

anyway as far as the painful truth goes, as long as it doesn’t revolve around his personal feelings then he can manage it. i guess he prefers the painful truth in that sense, considering he’s carefully optimistic

▸ SCIENCE OR MAGIC ? ....eh. honestly he’s seen it all. at this point sonic just kinda ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ whatever man i can turn golden and super powerful with these magical rocks?? i can fight literal time gods with the rest of time space & reality crumbling around me and then re-set an entire timeline?? my brother can build a machine that can pinpoint my vital signature when i’m stuck in some weird void dimension??? aight. sounds fair. ▸ PEACE OR CONFLICT ? Peace tbh, although after a while it does get a little boring if there’s no conflict for him to resolve--- being the hero he is. ▸ NIGHT OR DAY ?

Either’s fine tbh, he doesn’t really have a preference. although sometimes night makes him feel a little on edge thanks to sonic unleashed ▸ DUSK OR DAWN ?

he’s kinda indifferent about either, and isn’t really a fan of paying attention to the sun’s movements around these times of the day anyway bc it brings back unpleasant memories. thanks sonic unleashed

▸ WARMTH OR COLD ?

warmth pls he has short fur and was born on a tropical island, being cold sucks

▸ MANY ACQUAINTANCES OR A FEW CLOSE FRIENDS ?

both ? sonic has a few close friends and many acquaintances tbh.

▸ READING OR PLAYING A GAME ?

PLAYING A GAME ABSOLUTELY. reading just doesn’t cut it for this hedgehog’s overactive brain he needs something he can physically engage in somehow and while he may enjoy a good story he has to be receiving it in a way that keeps his attention and if he’s just stuck sitting there and staring at a page he will lose focus pretty quick.

— QUESTIONNAIRE.

▸ WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR MUSE’S BAD HABITS ? -lying (about his well being) and hiding when he is hurt emotionally/physically -letting his selfless nature take control to the point where it’s damaging his own health -isolating himself with his problems so other people don’t have to deal with it -running away from situations when he can’t understand his feelings -making impulsive decisions that he doesn’t always think through

▸ HAS YOUR MUSE LOST ANYONE CLOSE TO THEM ? HOW HAS IT AFFECTED THEM ? sonic’s first experience with losing a loved one was his own father, who unfortunately died saving sonic’s life from drowning in a tsunami. it was what really kick started a lot of what you see in the blue hedgehog today, tbh. his drive to help and save others, his resolve over accepting that bad things happen and you can’t always control that no matter what you do... you can thank his mom for that btw. she helped sway him away from completely internalizing this event and taught him some very important life lessons.

since then Sonic has been no stranger to loss but he’s gotten good at handling it over the years, seeing as he’s had to say goodbye to many people in his life. it still hurts, though. he will do everything in his power to not lose those people who hold that place in his heart

▸ WHAT ARE SOME FOND MEMORIES YOUR MUSE HAS ?

flying in his grandpa’s plane for the first time, it was the coolest thing he’d ever experienced in his life at the time.

another time would be soaring above the city tops of grand metropolis with his teammates (in sonic heroes), like honestly traveling as that trio for a while was such a thrill and he sometimes misses those days

▸ IS IT EASY FOR YOUR MUSE TO KILL ? ....not really, no. sonic really doesn’t like killing and will do just about anything to avoid doing it unless it really, really comes down to the only option he has. and let me tell you, sonic takes no pride in being responsible for the death of someone else, no matter who that person is.

▸ WHAT’S IT LIKE WHEN YOUR MUSE BREAKS DOWN ?

oh boy.

sonic’s breakdowns are honestly really subtle, and that’s because they’re a slow process that consists of him cracking and crumbling and then trying to hold it together and build himself back up because he can’t afford to break down and then cracking and crumbling again but never really allowing himself to have that moment where he actually snaps and falls apart.

the signs you’ll want to look out for will be him avoiding people way more often than usual, becoming irritable and his temper flaring up, exhaustion from lack of getting amounts proper sleep, he pretty much starts to self destruct a little bit and it’s not a pretty sight. it’s why he especially tries to avoid people when he gets like this because he doesn’t want them to see whats actually going on.

▸ IS YOUR MUSE CAPABLE OF TRUSTING SOMEONE WITH THEIR LIFE ? there’s lots of people he’d trust with his life tbh

▸ WHAT’S YOUR MUSE LIKE WHEN THEY’RE IN LOVE ?

,,,, man.

ok, sonic is such a huge sap and he hates it LOL. he’ll suddenly catch himself thinking all wistfully about the person he’s in love with and will be like “really?? right in front of my salad??” LMAO it’s just in his nature to be cheesy and sappy and do sweet things for the person of his affections because that’s exactly how his dad was but at the same time he’ll mentally take a second to point out how lame it is and he embarrasses himself over it ashdfkd

besides that, though, sonic is a real big sweet heart, and he’ll really want to try to express to that person how much he loves them but he’d also fear this whole romantic side of him coming out will interfere with his love of adventure. the idea of committing himself to one specific person in a way that makes them feel like his whole world to him is a bit scary to sonic, because he knows that he can’t really afford that when he’s out here saving lives and going on adventures. how could he possibly have the time for that, anyway? can this person keep up with him? would he be willing to slow down for that person? it just begs so many different questions and forces sonic to face possible changes to his entire way of living and it freaks him out a little bit.

which is why he tends to avoid romantic topics in general, and also why when he gets a crush on someone he goes straight into panic mode LOL. he’d honestly rather stay friends with the person and quietly adore them in his own time, maybe by sending them gifts or dropping by their place on occasion, DEFINITELY, AT LEAST making an effort to spend a little bit more time with that person than anyone else.

#{ tagged. } 🌀#{ headcanons. } i just only have a steadfast heart of gold! 🌀#// i was shocked to see how similar my muse is to your's ! they seem like they'd get along!#// thanks so much for the tag btw!!!

5 notes · View notes

aitian · 3 years

Text

Sun 2/28 3:06am

watched a lot of crime shows lately. good girls, ginny & georgia, those kinds of crimes that happen in nice places, done by nice ppl. or like, suburban dystopia & rats on the countertops.

up late last night watching tv- been really good & sleeping early for the last two weeks, waking up early too. but i woke up around 1pm today with plans to go do something, anything, with mom, hang out somewhere or smth. last weekend we went to altoona with dad too, & walked around the mall & ate kfc in the car before driving back. mom got a call from alice & sat on my bed with me, & we talked abt her residency match stuff & whatever. idk i think i was saying smth silly, maybe abt altoona last week, & felt like we were abt to end the call, & mom said she needed to tell us smth important. & she told us that grandma passed away last week, on wednesday. she died in the morning, & it snowed for the first time in a while that day in luoyang. its a good sign, peaceful passing. i started crying, & i heard moms voice start to break, & on the phone alice’s face begin to turn red. just like tears leaking out of my eyes, i didnt even feel the squeezing or any of the feelings in my head before i began crying. i guess its just one of those things that happens on its own. in my head i was thinking abt how i didnt think i would cry at this news, or actually thats wrong, of course i would. maybe it was just unexpected how easy & tender my body was to those words, & smth slow moving so far away, its aftermath, & the quietness of the ceremony i have never been a part of & always been a part of. i didnt know grandma well. i have a vague memory of being kind of mean and childish during the longest time we were together, around 2007 or 2008. and again, feeling so lost in 2018 seeing her and grandpa so old, feeling their days go by with difficulty. it always felt like the numbness of separation would shield me from tears like these. sociopath immigrant kids with no past, no access or interest in those things that hold us down. relieved thats not me. im not stupid enough to think that theres some sort of genealogical magic or fetish teaching that will set me free. its all here though, with nuance, in the moments that im living. that feels big, & free, & scary too. im thinking abt the clouds moving through the sky today. rly existential sometimes these days, sudden panic & the like, mostly thinking abt mom not being here someday. that hurts so bad.

after the call we hugged, & i cried more, & mom talked about how those great people, the greats, wei da de ren, were by her side. & things about how those days when it was the six of them, mom, two uncles, grandma, grandpa, & great grandma, all living in one house, she always felt, even at the time, that those were the happiest days of her life. it means a lot for a small family to be under one roof. (& earlier on the call, it means a lot for a person to take care of themself. i felt sad, or almost a bit irritated when mom said that on the call, that its a lesson we should learn from grandma that its important to take care of ourselves, as if there is a moral to smth like this, or smth so simple to gain, & i know its bc she wanted to be someone who could say that to her kids in a moment like this, & she feels the same way as i do, & even more, abt the vastness of this moment.) when mom told dad on thursday he cried, & then said some stupid shit abt how they shouldnt have stayed. she didnt tell alice on the phone but she told me. when would dad ever offer a comforting word? he has been so shitty & annoying these past few days, bickering & teasing & doing things to make mom angry like any other time. we also talked abt some stupid stuff like how xiao yu ah yi made yuan xiao in jiu niang, some meat & some black sesame all together, with diced carrot & corn in the soup that mom & dad tried to eat for breakfast. we ended up leaving the house around 3 after eating some breakfast.

mom drove to the golf course by waffle shop, & we got out of the car on that path that leads to the IST bridge. talked abt how golf is so dumb & we just wanted to walk on their field. went a little down the path until it met the road, & walked down the road for a bit. mom said she didnt want to retrace our steps so i said we could just take a circle and walk on the grass. there was still a lot of snow, around 4 inches where it was deep but the tops of the hills were bare. took some photos. mom smiled really natural & pretty, like i dont see her doing well when posing, & she thought so too. we ran a little bit, & stopped after we got to the top of a hill. i was looking at the sky, really blue & sunny & mostly filled with white clouds, blowing by. they were moving fast & steady, like that memory i have of feeling them go by. so wonderful. i felt the ground beneath my feet in that moment, like an animal standing on a hill, born from thos big breathing thing, moving as a small & big part of it, it moving as a vast part of me, above & below me. it means so much that these moments we spend together . just that. we made our way back to the car & decided to go to home goods. we poked around & looked at stuff, & by the time we got to the furniture half of the store i felt kinda tired so we found an ottoman to sit on. & we were talking abt the texture of the fabrics on the chairs & stuff, & decided to just go to loves (where wolfs furniture went out of business, advertising a total liquidation sale recently) & look at sofas. im laying on it right now. we sat on everything downstairs, then sat on stuff upstairs. & we sat on the one before this & mom was like, this could be the one, & i said we shoould keep looking, & mom sat on this one, & mom said this is the one. & she called a sales associate over & he asked what her question was, & she said she didnt really have one. she wanted to buy this sofa. also, whats the final price? the tag said smth like 2000 as the discounted price, & the guy said 1400. & mom said we/ll take it, & we did. mom got shoe covers from amys mom for when the movers came, & we moved the old sofa out of the way into the guest room (dad took the door off & we tilted in every direction). then i played some genshin co-op with sherry in my room & we called & chatted abt stuff while the moving happened. it got quiet after moving & my phone ran out of battery & i went downstairs & we ate hot pot. new couch. life. i think im going to sleep here tonight. it smells like new couch, & i think i liked this smell on our old couch but it just smells kinda smelly to me now. feels like when we travel, or moved houses, or something like that. the feeling that life is changing a lot, or we are making changes, moving about, being changed, becoming changed.

0 notes

chroniclesofawkwardness · 4 years

Text

Concentrate on Her Boobs (Ignore the Snake)

After I discovered Kristina had lied, I fell into a creative abyss that lasted for months. I couldn’t write. I didn’t want to. All I wanted was to self-isolate and dream of ways to punish myself for my stupidity. Kristina had told me one hell of a tall tale, but I couldn’t silence the voice in my head that told me I was partially to blame for what happened or break free from the clutches of guilt that restrained me, making it impossible to move beyond the catfish experience and handle the emotions that swelled up within me because of it.

The walls of the abyss bore scars from my bad habits. I saw both ancient and unfinished hieroglyphics of my porn addiction -- picture Cleopatra and Mark Antony going at it in the world’s first sex tape, recorded around 43 BC -- and streaks of hand chalk left behind from thousands of hours of mental gymnastics -- time spent rehearsing rather than facing my problems.

I felt the slaps in the face from Zs. that came after I hadn’t run the vacuum or cleaned our apartment exactly the way she wanted. I knew I was in trouble, but I couldn’t run to the cops with a battered fiancée story and expect them to believe me. I toughed it out with Zs. much longer than I should have. “If this is love,” I thought, “I’ll just hard pass on the real thing, and focus on getting hard in front of the laptop. There, I can find men and women doing to each other anything I want to see. It won’t cost me a dime of either monetary or emotional investment. The best part is, they won’t yell at me or shut me out.”

I remembered the conversation I had with a stranger in 2005, on a plane from Oklahoma City to St. Louis. At the time, I was despondent over losing my best friend. There was no way the stranger could have known it, but our conversation saved my life. When I got back to my small studio apartment in Ohio, I looked at myself in the mirror and held a knife to my throat for several minutes; I seriously considered ending it all with one slashing motion.

I couldn’t do it.

Why?

I thought about my mom, my grandpa, and the stranger who cared.

Further down, I saw some words of the notes from the girlfriend I had in seventh grade scrawled on the walls. I saw Sasha’s hand passing Maria’s messages to me at the end of each of those three strange days.

Despite having been largely scratched out and drawn over through the years, I could read bits and pieces of Maria’s note from the first day. She said we should go to the movies and not to worry because her mom would be able to drive us. I heard the voices of my football-player classmates whispering, encouraging me to sit next to Maria in her junior-high cheerleader outfit at lunch.

I didn’t have the balls to make a move. I decided to deal with the tension of the unknown by busting a nut (a favorite pastime) as soon as I had a moment alone. I should have leaned into the experience and absorbed it rather than opting for a momentary sexual release.

And on the third day, they became friends.

I should have thought of my first real breakup as an opportunity to become a better, more attractive man. Unfortunately, I took the easy road -- a road I’d travel almost every day for the next twenty-five years. Instead of honestly dealing with what I was feeling and why I wrapped myself in the cocoon of my CD collection and the isolation of my room.

I felt my hands shaking on the day of my First Holy Communion, as I held the challis containing what only minutes earlier had been cheap wine or grape juice. Through transubstantiation, they said, it wasn’t Welch’s I was drinking; it was the precious, soul-saving blood of Christ. The story in that book of basic instructions before leaving earth would have had me believe that Jesus died for my sins even though we’d never met.

If my tremors and stage fright (somebody in my family had a camcorder) were any indications, I wasn’t all-in. More than likely, I just wanted it to be over.

And on the third day, he hesitated.

I thought Kristina was going to fix all this and more. It was a task as tall as the tale she told me to get me hooked. Despite my initial and lingering reservations, I was prepared to act in real life as though what she’d told me exclusively online was the truth. Unwittingly, through social media, I’d given her the tools to craft a 50 Shades of Dave story, a yarn of Literotica I couldn’t resist because she’d spun it specifically for me. My ego loved it. It was like having my life read back to me with erotic episodes I’d desired for as long as I could ejaculate spliced in. I may have lived the bare bones of the story, but (one speech bubble at a time) Kristina and I added the sexual tension that made it fly off my mental shelves.

Our interaction was as white-hot as it was brief. After it was over, what kept me falling further and further into the abyss was not so much wondering why Kristina did what she did, as it was defining and accepting the part I played in my own unraveling, long after Kristina had moved on to her next target. I’m almost positive the buzzing noises I heard coming from her phone during some of our conversations were not the sounds of siblings concerned for their sister but of the cat(fish)woman tearing her hooks into the virtual flesh of other would-be lovers.

Eve may have pointed her man toward the forbidden fruit of the tree of knowledge at the serpent’s urging, but Adam still took a bite of the apple. Yes, God conveniently forgot to warn Adam about the temptation of Eve, but Adam did nothing to stop it. He just stood there. When he realized he was naked after taking a bite of the apple, he didn’t own up to it, he ran off.

Such is the power of a woman’s love over a man, whether she truly feels it or not. if a man is willing to act as if his woman is the only woman in the world (even if she was at the time), she wins. At that point, she should run off too. I’m not saying women are evil, only that Adam failed the world’s first shit test. Eve, intentionally or not, conquered her man. I’d guess that all she wanted was to conquer someone who could not be so easily conquered. Kristina conquered me. Like Adam, I didn’t stand up to temptation. Instead, I looked for validation in her. Like Adam, I didn’t find it. When the jig was up, Adam hid in the bushes, I hid within myself.

I didn’t send her any money (she never asked), so I didn’t suffer an embarrassing financial loss. What played in my head on repeat (like my childhood copies of Nirvana’s Unplugged in New York and Soundgarden’s Superunknown that I loved to lose myself in) were questions like: “How could I have been so blind?” I didn’t want to tell my family or friends that I’d not only lusted after a woman I’d never seen but also fallen almost entirely under her spell from half a world away.

I didn’t want to own up the fact that I felt like both a victim and a participant in a blatantly obvious love scam, a type of fraud I’d once been dedicated to preventing, a type of fraud I swore would never happen to me. The easiest thing to do was fall back on old habits (watching porn, waiting for something, anything, to happen on screen or off) and let good ones (working out frequently and cooking a lot of my own meals) go. That’s what I almost did.

I wanted nothing more than to avoid responsibility and revert back to a shy, awkward teenager who had a ton of potential but was squandering it away one ejaculation at a time. I wanted nothing more than to be a thirty-eight-year-old Peter Pan. I felt I already had the part about eschewing the challenge a relationship with a real, good-quality woman (like Peter Pan does with Wendy) down pat. Kristina had been my Tinkerbell.

If I’d followed my originally scheduled timeline, I would have quit my job almost exactly three weeks to the day before I started working from home during the COVID-19 pandemic, a time that has challenged family and economic structures alike.

After about a month, I slowly began to open up to those around me about what had happened. I still felt like a dumbass, but finally getting the experience off of my chest eased the pain of lovesickness. I began to write Words and Fishes by hand, in the college-ruled platypus notebook Matt had given me for Christmas. At the start, I wasn’t as consistent with writing as I’d told myself I would be. Reliving the whole experience with Kristina was the last thing I wanted to do, which was exactly why I needed to do it. Before I could truly move on, I needed to sink as deeply as possible into the wound she left (as well as any others I’d find along the way) then claw my way back to the surface of my reality.

The demons you face down don’t stay down without a fight.

As one page grew into two, two into three and so on, began to feel like a bigger fraudster than Kristina. I realized that despite my largely stoic exterior, I would close the curtains, open my laptop, and consume my favorite wounded-soul food at the slightest sign of adversity. I’d have conversations with myself, out loud, about my nonexistent relationship with my dad instead of truly setting myself free from his expectations. I’d curse myself for setting free my dying cat and letting her live out the last of her days unencumbered, as she was meant to.

Why?

This was what I’d always done.

I’d always let the stories of the abyss circulate in my mind without demanding anything in return. Maria didn’t break my heart at thirteen, Kristina didn’t almost shatter me at thirty-eight. Sure, they may have ripped off Band-Aids covering my wounds, but I lost both games before I could play long enough to skin my knee.

Why?

I wasn’t living my life the way I was meant to and I knew it. The streaks of chalk on the walls from years of mental gymnastics didn’t get there by themselves. I used to spend hours in mental preparation for a war that would never come. I valued the mental reps I’d give myself so much because they made me feel like I’d accomplished something without demanding that I actually do anything. Maybe that’s why I was such a good storyteller. I knew the stories I told would live only in Neverland and only as long as I was telling them. Maybe I decided I didn’t have to face my reality as long as I could create another one, even if those weren’t the words I would have used to describe my storytelling as a kid.

By early May, I was starting to feel like I’d put most of the experience behind me. I didn’t delete the conversation Kristina and I had from Google Hangouts because I thought I might want to look back at it during the process of writing Words and Fishes, but I’d finally stopped letting an every-waking-minute obsession with analysis permeate all my thoughts. That is until I got that email: a message that convinced me Kristina was back with a vengeance. Had she sold my email address on the black market? Were the seeds of my online stupidity finally beginning to bear fruit in the real world?

The email said someone had used an Apple ID associated with my email address to log in to an iPhone 11 in Sydney, Australia. I had three immediate problems with this:

1.) I don’t have an Apple ID. 2.) I've never been to Australia. 3.) My email address didn't exactly match the one listed in the message, so why was I getting it?

Even though Kristina said she lived in Western Australia; even though I’d avoided a potential financial loss by not sending her any money, I’d also convinced myself that catfish didn’t let their prey go easily. For months, I’d been waiting for the other shoe to drop. After such emotional “bonding” Kristina probably considered me an easy mark.

Around the same time, I started getting breaking news and other email alerts from The Mercury, a daily newspaper published in Hobart, Tasmania, Australia. Rather than unsubscribing or reporting spam straight away, I let my mental gymnast have more time on the mats.

If Kristina really did sell my email address on the black market, what else did she sign me up for? What else will be waiting for me in my inbox?

During my darkest days after the fantasy I’d constructed with Kristina disintegrated, I went so far as to seriously entertain the idea that she may have been involved in human trafficking. Kristina may not have asked me for money, but she did ask me to come to Australia with her. Catfish do what they do for a reason, right? I began to believe that had I agreed to come with her, I could have easily been abducted at either the JFK or Perth airports by someone promising to take me to Kristina. It may read like a scene from a Hollywood movie, but so did almost everything else Kristina and I talked about.

Eventually, cooler (bigger) heads prevailed. After some basic online searching, I decided the most likely explanation for the Australian emails I was receiving was a simple typo rather than a sinister plot. Since the format of the email address mentioned in those emails was so close to mine, I reasoned that whoever linked it to an Apple ID and subscribed to emails from The Mercury had remembered the email address they wanted (mine) when they created their account instead of the one they actually got.

If only the story ended there.

Almost a month later, I got another scare in Words With Friends. One Sunday morning, a random opponent started a game with me. She didn’t have any all-time wins since she’d only started playing that same day according to her stats. What she did have was a very provocative profile picture, one that seemed too good to be true. I found it hilarious, and texted Ana (an opponent with whom I’ve struck up a friendship over years of playing), to tell her about my latest challenger, who claimed to be none other than Angela White.

Angela White seemed like a generic or stage name. Ana Googled the image and found that it matched one of Angela White, an Australian (of course) porn star.

Angela wore a black, skintight, one-piece bathing suit. The look on her face would have surely led straight to the type of temptation they warned me about in Catholic school.

Across her shoulders was a massive African Rock Python, the kind of snake only an expert (or idiot) would handle. God may have been taking a break from watching humanity trash the planet to stand behind the camera for the temptation of Angela, which was as much an updated twist on the temptation of Eve as a symbol of both the excess and accessibility of such temptation in the modern age.

The snake’s head was positioned in such a way that it could have easily deflated one of Angela’s gargantuan breasts (gifts from God or work of surgeon hands, with one strike).

Ana saved me from another round of mental gymnastics by texting me something I’ll never forget as long as I live: “concentrate on her boobs, ignore the snake😂”. She later admitted that this was something she sent me without thinking. It was perfect. Following Ana’s advice, I concentrated on Angela’s boobs for one move before I reported whoever was really behind the profile as an impersonator, which ended the game.

Just like Eve, I should have ignored the snake. Just like Adam, when presented with a beautiful woman, I didn’t. The image represented my struggle to reclaim my humanity and masculinity when presented with challenges of either God’s or my own creation.

I had no choice but to make a choice. I chose to rise to the occasion once and for all.

0 notes