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nongbabe · 6 years

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Watermelon - Roomate Mark Lee

this scenario is entirely based off of this gif not going to lie

Scenario: Mark Lee just really likes watermelon and also you

okay so you’ve been roommates with make lee since the beginning of sophomore year

you wanted to live off campus to save some money

and mark was sick of living with a swarm of guys who never seemed to do dishes

and hey less people less mess

also you’re pretty tidy yourself so it was extra good

anyway you guys had a few mutual friends and they ended setting you two up not actually but also kinda actaully lmao they ship it roommate wise

your both juniors now, it nearing the end of first semester so you guys have gotten pretty comfortable with each

like really comfortable you tell each other everything

everything excluding one maybe significant factor in your guys relationship...

and somewhere down the time line of living in such a small apartment together that factor became more and more signifigant

maybe it was from him constantly walking around the apartment with just a towel on after a shower or him not wearing a shirt during the early fall and late spring because your ac doesn’t work right

maybe it was the time he made you breakfast when you were sick in bed

and by made i mean he attempted to fry and egg and it didn’t work

so he put a bagel in the toaster bc even he cant mess that up he almost did though good thing you don’t mind extra crispy

maybe it was simply his smile or his sense of humor or his laugh

ah but no matter what or when it was

you had fallen for him. hard. and probably more quickly than you cared to admit

and hed done the same just neither of you were sure enough of each others feeling or confident enough to let the other know

but it doesn’t matter not that much any way

you were happy enough just spending lazy days in with him watching movies or just chatting sometimes when it was raining sometimes when it was perfectly sunny out

you were happy just having him drag you out of the apartment to go on adventures kayaking, squirrel chasing, trying out fencing club even if you both really suck

or sometimes he’d even bring his own adventures home like board games or a random diy project

never let him convince you to paint the ceiling again ever he looked hella cute with paint all over his face tho

or sometimes he would just bring home random things from the store?

like one day he brought home a watermelon and youre not really sure why bc its the middle of winter and watermelons aren’t in season?? he fckn love watermelon thats why look at his smile in the watermelon gif i wish i was a watermelon

“It was on sale y/n I had to get it. There were only 5 left. What if someone else bought all of them”

“Someone must really love watermelon to buy 5 at once, crazy man”

“…..”

“hey remember when you bought 7 and couldn’t figure out how to get them home because you rode your bike to the mart an-” and he deadass covered your mouth with his hand boi

“shhhhhh, we don’t need to talk abt that right now y/n just help me cut it up okay”

You guys, with a lot of difficulty and some very dull knives finally cut the watermelon into slices

hes a full slice kind of lad not a cube dude

if it was already pre-cubed like at a party though he would sill eat it

its watermelon

and then you would cut up the watermelon

and mark would be so !!! so excited

be really love watermelon

its just so sweet!! and watery!! and melony!!!!

and you and him would bite into it and...

ehhhhhh

and it would kinda be flavorless

like not sweet at all

“it’s not that bad, Mark.. okay? you did your best picking one out”

and Mark would do that thing

that sad Mark thing

the :c the sad pouty disappointed look

Nobody wants a sad :c mark

so you kinda run your fingers through his hair and push a few loose strands

Its starting to get long. You like it though. It gives you more of an excuse to run your fingers through it

You pulled him into a tight hug, one of those really really squeezing the air out of your lungs tight warm ones, one of those hugs that you could easily play off as friendly, silly even

But wow was your heart beating fast and your palms shaking

Mark would freeze at first out of surprise but the pout would go away!!

He would just be a bit caught off guard. That’s why he’d go a bit stiff initially. You weren’t really the type to hug him so out of the blue You were more of a cuddle when sleepy, or intoxicated, kind of human, a lot lett straight forward

He really liked it though really really

So much that he would relax and rest his hands on the small of your back rather than just stand there like a statue. Which is what he ‘claims’ he usually does when people hug him just like he ‘claims’ he doesn’t like skinship bloody liar

but the whole time his heart is going crazy and hes so concerned youre gonna notice but also he really likes hugging you

your skin feel cool and nice against him especially because he feels like hes on fire but

wow are you pretty and wow does he like you

but you don’t need to know that bc that would make living together awkward but it wouldnt be bc u like him too otherwise we wouldn’t be reading this now would we jc

And finally concerned mark would take over and he would suddenly pull away and ‘cough’

“??”

“Ahh I just remembered I have to finish that chem lab report is all”

“we finished that together a week ago Mark?”

“…i meant essay”

“but didn’t yo-”

but he would already be running away and locking himself in his room

well as best he could bc he still doesn’t have a door

he broke it off of its hinge they day you guys moved in mark you cute disaster

but you still try and not bother him if he goes in his room

privacy and such

and you’d be confused but also freaking out

oh my god what did you just do what if you pushed the bounds what if things are weird now what if mark doesnt talk to you anymore and stressssssssssss

A few minutes later you would hear his shower turn on

like this kid

i thought you said you had an essay lying hoe

anyways hed come out of the shower like 15 minutes later

hes not fast at showering bc boi needs time to shampoo after all those wackado hair syles he gotta keep from getting bald ya know

also he needs time to think bc wow do you make him crazy

and hed walk out into your little ‘living room’ and sits on the floor because you guys still havent gotten a couch even though its over a year since the two of you have lived together

and you finally threw away that makeshift cardboard furniture from removing in earlier this semester because mark didn’t just fall through them one he kEPT breaking and getting stuck in them

so to save the boy anymore embarrassment you threw them out together

anyway so he sat on the floor looking all cute mark like in typical mark attire

“hey y/n can you come here. I gotta talk to you for a sec”

but youre already talking??

but you wouldn’t question it

mark’s tone of voice was pretty serious tone to his voice which didn’t happen frequently

so you walked over by him and briefly sat on the floor before laying your head on his thigh

bc he in much more comfortable than the carpet and you werent really a criss cross apple sauce kind of gal at least not when mark was around bc as;doije;dfihw;erio

hed reach down and stoke your hair and close your eyes and hum slightly

“y/n” You’d hum again keeping your eyes closed and enjoying his close proximity

and youd kinda lay like that for a few minutes

and just as you were about to drift off to sleep he stopped playing with your hair

youre eyes open slowly, confused

and then Mark leaned down and before you could process what was happening he was kissing you

and you would have to fight to not break into a giant smile

because finally you were starting to think that maybe you were just a friend to him

but nope bc now ur making out lol not really tho its just a sweet kiss and not super long or agressive

he pulled away, scratching the back of his neck while give you that side smile of his almost sheepish one, but more flirty than sheepish

he kinda mumbled almost what sounded like an apology, but he really didn’t look that sorry and he certainly didn’t feel it i mean neither did you cute boy mark lee just kissed you

“you taste like watermelon” you roll your eyes

his smile spread into a full blown grin and his lil nose scrunched up. he kissed your nose.

he chuckled and semi-jokingly licked his lips “but tastier than the one we just had” You cupped his cheeks and pull his face towards yours.

!!!!!

#can you tell i love him???#love of my life #mark lee #mark #roommate!mark #nct #this actually took me a really long time to write #i had to keep stopping bc feels #s;djvwe;iofkj #mark friggn lee #nct dream #nct 127 #nct u #nct 2018 #imagine #fluff #scenario

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survivor-kuwait · 5 years

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Episode 6 - "Going to bide my time before I could take a shot at any of them." - Maynor

Damn, between Renee and Chloe to get the choppy choppy and it's Renee. the two people I have been speaking to. Wtf. Also clearly Chloe has not been stepping up that much with the social game. i need to find better people to align with.

Well, that didnt go according to plan and now Im by myself. I really trusted Renee in this game. Like I dont have anyone else in this game like that kind of connection. If Im being honest i dont think any of these people really want to work with me 🤷‍♂️ There like 3 people i feel like i can trust but they might just be total bs but theres Ian, Matt S, and Timmy. Even tho i feel like Timmy is gunna want to kill me soon. The only good thing is that i know F2,G2 were hits. So i need to guess at 5 am for 2 days to have all the hits me and Renee discovered. Hopefully no one has found this one either. Cuz i feel like i really need an idol if I end up in warzone again.

God not being us to Skype is really causing me inactivity. Hopefully it doesn't bite me in the ass.

These people are dumb. That is all. Miss you Renee :(

Can i just scratch everything i said before? Im just gunna play a solo game from now on and not care about anyone else. No one really seems they want to play with me. So im just gunna be a floater in the game to try n make moves happen. Hopefully if i end up in warzone these people would actually try and talk game then waiting to the last ugly minute to is so annoying. The only person i hope voted with me is Matt. I really enjoyed talking to him so hopefully he is trustworthy. Like i also want to believe Trace voted Cloe but he doesnt seem someone you should trust but he was the one to tell me it was between Renee and Cloe so like he told the truth but maybe not the way he was voting. Rant down for now. Might have more.

Renee was voted out at the last Warzone, my initial reaction was she was voted out because she had won multiple immunities and people wanted to pick off others that were perceived as challenge threats. This is partly influenced by my prerogative to vote off people who can beat me in challenges. My whole premerge game is about me being perfectly average in challenges, I don't do the best but I don't do the worst. I'm always a solid contributor to my tribe, this format has me second guessing that motif I have for myself. I questioned Corey when he was added back into the Nar chat as to why Renee was voted out, he reminded me of the fact that he felt Renee has had it out for him since the get go. I believe him in that sense because he did say that to me on founding day of Nar. If Corey fully swayed that vote to go to Renee because of those reasons that's a player I want to ally with and be my shield. I think there were ulterior motives going on behind it though. That being said, I do want Corey to see me as a long term partner in this game, I shared with him the fact that I have an advantage, but not my true advantage. I told him that I have a double vote, a double vote is probably the weakest power any one could have in Survivor but seems powerful in a Warzone type setting. Letting him know I have a "double vote" endears him to my side, without him actually knowing I have a pretty strong advantage, The Topaz Idol. It's like a double vote but more like a multiple vote. Chloe keeps surviving and I am so fucking here for it, the more her tribe wants her gone the better it is for everyone on Nar if we can fucking stick together, I don't trust them to stay strong but who knows how people will hide when their neck is at risk. Chloe is an "easy vote" shield but also a vote with Nar the more Ma'an, henceforth will be refered to as "Mane", wants her to be booted.

okay uhm.....so this confessional is coming after the tribal council in which renee was voted out. i was completely blindsided and not in the loop at all about the vote there. i ws told by literally everyone that the vote was chloe and that she was 100% going out. so when renee's name came up 6 times, i was completely shocked. corey told me that the reason i was left out of the loop for the vote was because i'm close to madison and madison is close to renee. so they didn't tell me so tht i wouldn't tell madison. hmm....seems fishy! let's just say i came out of this tribal council not trusting anyone but madison. i'm glad she is my partner and i'm gonna try and get us both immunity this round so that we don't risk going to another tribal bc i could def see us becoming a target soon

youtube

I had my masters exam today so i couldnt spend all day doing it which sucks. I only got up to 31. I dont think imma win immunity. Im most likely going to warzone and Imma be going home most likely if Madison/Jacob/Kage are in there. It sucks. Imma keep trying but i also work at 5pm and challenge is due at 7 so i lose 2 hrs there and its 3:20 right now. And cuz all this I havent eaten at all today.

What I have learned from this challenge is that both the movie Sausage Party as well as Female Genital Mutilation have more average searches per month than World Hunger..by a large margin too, and if that doesn't show what's wrong with this world then I don't know what will.

Corey sending me a message ‘i want to touch up on the vote from last night’ I said okay amd what happened? He has not responded at all. Like you lied thats the simplest answer. Because Renee and I werent coming for you so there wasnt a main reason that I could think of to take out Renee. But gunna be nice and play like oh no worry, i understand. Going to bide my time before i could take a shot at any of them.

This is it, corey and devon are safe, nehe isnt. If I can get chloe and others on board nehe will go home tonight. However.... nehe told me he has an idol, so that complicates things. Ideally I can blindside him and we’re good, but doubting that I just have to make sure the other votes dont land on me. Which means... subtlety. Never my strong point.

Ah shit here we go again. Last tribal really left me with a lot of pieces to pick up and I’m really wishing we had done the easy thing and voted chloe. I like her but I worry that I won’t be able to salvage a relationship with Maynor and Madison who I do like. I’m content with being honest about flipping, even tho I did sort of augment the circumstances. It’s better than doubling down and saying I voted for chloe when I didn’t. And truly I do wish I had voted with them so I hope I can convey that. Being back with Adrian is interesting because he is super close with Corey and Corey sort of has some followers here who I don’t really have strong relationships with without him connecting us. I also feel really nervous about playerslike him and Nehe who are bringing old game shit in, and I don’t want to be collateral damage in their wars against one another. I’m ready to do my own damage.

With immunity again after last week's tribal council, I am feeling pretty good. Devon, Ian and Trace are immune with me and there p much couldn't be a better group of immune people (Trace and Adrian are interchangeable). I hope, from those who are at tribal, Madison, Matt, Adrian and Cullan make it out unscathed. Renee leaving last week was a success to me. I took the first shot and I didn't miss. It also gave me 5 people who I built trust with who will want to use me as an asset later on (those who were part of the plan). As for this tribal council, Maynor or Thomas leaving is ideal. We left Maynor out on the vote this week so I don't know if he'd flip easily to the other side (sort of like Chloe voting with us to get Renee out). However, to keep 4 available immunity positions in our tribe, ideally it's someone from the other side that leaves. I have not interacted with Thomas once nor Stevie (but Stevie is Owen's capricorn tribe mate). Those two boys leaving would be fine by me. I hope there are fights and drama and whatnot as the more things happen and we focus on other people's business, the more I can fade back into the background after getting Renee out last week. With Nehe at tribal this time, who knows. Ian and I have gotten really close and I hope to get far with him. He told me about his double vote and we made our loyalty/alliance to one another official I guess? I also am part of a 4 person alliance, termed "Golden Boys" of Devon, Adrian, Matt and myself. I am trying to set myself up as much as I can so that when we merge or tribes get swapped around, I have people I can rely on. We'll be down to 17 people tomorrow night which is still a very big number and way too early to be loud or making flashy moves. I'm in the process of uncovering an idol or some power of sorts and believe I will have it tomorrow because I have 4 hits on it as of today. I will tell Ian about it. I trust him. I am staying alert and continuously developing my social game to the best of my abilities.

I’m so happy I am safe this round! Kait, Owen, and I are the only ones on our tribe who have been immune every round. I would love for us to group together to keep each other safe, but also I know out of the three that I am the weakest one. But for the time being it seems like at least an okay idea. I will try to make it happen and see where it goes because we could all be good together and work something out because when merge comes people will try to target those who have been safe for the longest time. At least naturally that’s what i would try since they are more likely to win individual immunity. I just hope things work out well for the next couple of rounds.

So I learned lots of things from Matt in this warzone. It looks like it was gunna 5-5 vote last time but he flipped last second not wanting it to be a tie. Im some what upset cuz Renee left but Matt wants to play with me so I feel like I can trust him. I hope. Turns out that Madison actually did vote with me last time so she is in my good side again and i feel bad for doubting she was with me. This vote I want it to go my way. Im hoping i can pull it off. My target is still unknown for right now. Im not the only one that feels like Nehe is a snake. Adrian and Matt know that he is a sneaky player. Tbh I would want to target him sooner rather than later.

I'm starting to think Madison is sitting out all of these challenges to get into the warzone to try to build relationships to propel herself forward if she makes merge, it's a risky strategy but would have huge pay off if it works. I'm gonna go ahead and subvert her expectations by pointing that out to Corey and hopefully get the rumor mill going against her. I see you and I don't like it.

So the vote looks like its gunna be Nehe and Im okay with that. I dont really trust him after he lied to me about the first vote we were together. It may bring my schances of immunity down to 3 but its worth having people to trust in this game.

Love the safety again...naturally I don’t have much to say because I haven’t gone to tribal in a while and I’m so thankful for that. Tbh I’m assuming Chloe will go tonight because it’s the easiest vote but who knows. Hoping it’s someone from the other tribe though that way there can still be 4 safe on my tribe. But also I want a twist tonight.

Tirns out I dont need to plot, we’re voting nehe tonight. Thanks Cullan. However, in case of an idol play I’m voting thomas, plausible deniability and all that.

Ok, so this vote I am controlling very well in my favor as long as I’m not the one going home. I believe I have everyone on Nehe and Nehe is voting Thomas. Nehe thinks all of Nar is voting with him to vote out Thomas who is inactive so let’s hope I don’t get blindsided.

#survivorstarzone #episodes

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positivepsychologyinterventions · 5 years

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Podcast: A Bipolar and a Schizophrenic Talk Self-Sabotage

Most of us are to blame for our failures, believe it or not. We didn’t practice enough, plan ahead, or work hard enough. If we are honest, we could have done more to succeed, but something stopped us. In this episode, our hosts discuss why people sabotage their own success and fess up to whether or not they are sabotaging their own.

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

“People would rather fail because they didn’t try rather than fail because they weren’t good enough.” – Gabe Howard

Highlights From ‘Self-Sabotage’ Episode

[2:00] Do we sabotage ourselves?

[3:00] Some reasons for self-sabotage.

[6:30] Private rejection vs. public rejection.

[11:30] Failure and self-sabotage.

[17:30] As is our way, our mothers come up.

[19:00] Working hard and yet not succeeding.

[20:00] How do you stop self-sabotaging?

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘A Bipolar and a Schizophrenic Talk Self-Sabotage’ Show

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Narrator: [00:00:09] For reasons that utterly escapes everyone involved. You’re listening to a Bipolar, A Schizophrenic and A Podcast. Here are your hosts Gabe Howard and Michelle Hammer.

Gabe: [00:00:21] Welcome to A Bipolar, A Schizophrenic, And A Podcast. My name is Gabe Howard and I’m bipolar.

Michelle: [00:00:23] I’m Michelle Hammer and I’m schizophrenic.

Gabe: [00:00:26] And together we have a podcast.

Michelle: [00:00:27] That’s right we do it’s such a good one I love it so much.

Gabe: [00:00:31] I think that it is the very best podcast for mentally ill people by mentally ill people.

Michelle: [00:00:36] Me too I agree with that completely wholeheartedly.

Gabe: [00:00:38] I can’t really think of another one but I’ve noticed that since our podcast started to get popular people started showing up and saying “well I’m mentally ill and my podcast is for mentally ill people.”

Gabe: [00:00:49] And but I don’t think that’s true I think that they do live with mental illness, but I think they just had a podcast and hoped to gain an audience. Whereas we were like yes we need to create content for our community.

Michelle: [00:01:02] Our community is just underserved.

Gabe: [00:01:04] It is it’s incredibly under served. This is what I love about podcasting because it’s like such a niche thing. You know the mental health community and people who live with mental illness we are small which is good because you know thank god like everybody is not living with mental illness that would be terrible. So you know we’re never gonna be like on NBC at 8 o’clock. I mean that that’s where you get programming that appeals to like the mass markets and mass audience. So the nice thing about podcasts is we can have that little niche market. I mean some mentally ill people targeting a small group and that’s that’s why we exist. But it is sad because really we should be like super famous.

Michelle: [00:01:43] Oh yeah totally. If on self-sabotage it.

Gabe: [00:01:47] Exactly. And we have done this to ourselves with this very show on numerous occasions.

Gabe: [00:01:54] Many many many many many. Remember the time that you quit the show because you refused to talk to me for like an entire day.

Michelle: [00:02:02] When did that happen?

Gabe: [00:02:04] It happened you know like several months ago when we were at Olive Garden. You were just like I’m not making eye contact. I hope you die.

Michelle: [00:02:11] Yeah yeah I can remember that.

Gabe: [00:02:12] It was but it was incredibly awkward and we were talking about ways to make the podcast better and you got all all all all what did you get.

Michelle: [00:02:22] Quiet.

Gabe: [00:02:20] I believe but hurt is the term we’re looking for.

Michelle: [00:02:25] If you insist because you were being a dick.

Gabe: [00:02:27] How?

Michelle: [00:02:26] You said yeah this sucks and that sucks and you suck and everything’s OK.

Gabe: [00:02:34] Really. I said you suck.

Michelle: [00:02:35] Pretty much.

Gabe: [00:02:38] Ah and there is the key word when it comes to self-sabotaging behavior. It’s when we believe things to be true because they’re basically true like what you just said Michelle. You basically said you suck.

Michelle: [00:02:51] That’s not self-sabotaging behavior.

Gabe: [00:02:51] But did I actually say you suck?

Michelle: [00:02:59] Pretty much.

Gabe: [00:02:59] No not pretty much. Did the words “Michelle Hammer sucks” comes out of Gabe’s mouth.

Michelle: [00:03:05] Yes.

Gabe: [00:03:05] Liar liar liar. Now you know I’m gonna quit on the air.

Gabe: [00:03:10] Fine I resign in protest.

Narrator: [00:03:12] You’ve been listening to a schizophrenic and a podcast.

Michelle: [00:03:15] Number one reason number one for self-sabotage is when you feel like you don’t deserve to be successful. Have you ever felt like you don’t deserve to be successful? Oh, you’re gonna sit there Gabe. You just sit there and not even say anything.

Gabe: [00:03:31] You fired me.

Gabe: [00:03:33] The only reason I’m here is because we’re in my house.

Michelle: [00:03:35] Well do you see that I self sabotage this podcast.

Gabe: [00:03:42] I don’t think that your self sabotaging the podcast. I think you’re self-sabotaging yourself. Because as you pointed out in number one I think you are afraid of success.

Michelle: [00:03:51] You think so.

Gabe: [00:03:52] Yes.

Michelle: [00:03:54] Well it’s very interesting to point out because it seems like one of the biggest things about self-sabotage is the fear of trying one’s best and not succeeding.

Gabe: [00:04:04] Do you feel that you try your best.

Michelle: [00:04:07] Yes.

Gabe: [00:04:07] And when you try your best do you feel that you always succeed.

Michelle: [00:04:10] No.

Gabe: [00:04:11] And are you okay with that.

Michelle: [00:04:13] I mean it’s frustrating.

Gabe: [00:04:14] Well sure nobody said it can’t be frustrating.

Gabe: [00:04:17] I think a lot of people don’t think that they’re self-sabotaging because they think oh they’re protecting themselves or they’re giving it enough effort to work. But really self-sabotage behavior is kind of twofold. It’s one not giving something 110 percent because you think oh what’s the point it’s just going to fail anyway. And two when you get close to that success it’s also doing things like showing up late, or showing up unprepared, or to use a sports analogy, going out late the night before and eating a bunch of pizza.

Michelle: [00:04:48] I would agree with that.

Gabe: [00:04:49] Have you ever done that like before a lacrosse game like just gone out like drinking the night before.

Michelle: [00:04:54] No. We had rules.

Gabe: [00:04:55] Well but disobeying those rules would be a way of sabotaging yourself. You’d be sabotaging your success and then if you lose you can say oh I’m still the best lacrosse player. The only reason I lost is because I was drunk.

Michelle: [00:05:06] That would be really really ridiculous. And my whole team would be really really mad at me I wouldn’t do that.

Gabe: [00:05:12] So you care when your team is mad at you when you’re working on a project. Like, say a lacrosse game or a podcast.

Michelle: [00:05:20] Mm hmm. Another one. I was thinking about self-sabotage which I noticed that I did do was I looking up and said: “once in a while we self-sabotage simply to push buttons.” “We pick a fight and we incite drama to get a rush.” I would pick so many fights with my coach, so many fights. It was ridiculous. She once said to me “that she wished that I was bad at lacrosse so she could just cut me from the team.”

Gabe: [00:05:49] So you’re saying that when you respect somebody and look up to them you push their buttons so that a fight can ensue and you can not talk to them at Olive Garden.

Michelle: [00:05:58] Apparently.

Gabe: [00:06:01] That’s what I’m hearing.

Michelle: [00:06:02] I don’t know how you’re hearing that. How did we get to Olive Garden?

Gabe: [00:06:05] I guess you hurt my feelings.

Michelle: [00:06:06] You are my feelings.

Gabe: [00:06:07] You hurt my feelings.

Gabe: [00:06:08] My feelings were the most hurt.

Michelle: [00:06:10] My feelings were more hurt. Why do you think I wasn’t talking to you.

Michelle: [00:06:14] Back to self-sabotage. “It feels better to control your own failure. Then to let it blindside you.” So are you used to rejection?

Gabe: [00:06:26] I’m not. Every time I get rejected it hurts. Now I have developed some coping skills. Let’s talk about the difference between our reactions publicly and our reactions privately. And here’s why I want to touch on this. I don’t handle rejection well when people reject me. It really hurts my feelings and I get upset. I eat ice cream. I refuse to leave the house for a day. I get really really sad. My feelings get hurt. All of those things are true every single time I’ve ever lost an award a contest a contract. Anytime somebody went with a different speaker over me or a sponsor didn’t re-up whatever. I get hurt almost every single time.

Gabe: [00:07:07] But I handle it privately.

Gabe: [00:07:09] You know all joking aside to everybody Michelle was actually really good at this because I’ll wright Michelle and I’ll be like Oh my God our stats dropped and Michelle’s like “oh well we’ll get them next week” and then I don’t post on Facebook oh everybody hates us our stats dropped. And I think that’s what’s important to understand. I think that all of us are probably kind of prone to beat ourselves up privately. What I want to talk about are the people that do it publicly. We all know those people that every single time they fail or get rejected they just smear it everywhere. It’s all over social media. It’s all they talk about when you get together. They call up people and yell at them. They pick fights with their boyfriends and girlfriends just they can just never be happy because of a single rejection.

Gabe: [00:07:50] And they do it publicly. And I personally think it makes them look stupid.

Michelle: [00:07:54] I mean, I cannot stand passive aggressive Facebook statuses.

Gabe: [00:08:02] Like give me an example of one.

Michelle: [00:08:04] “One day somebody will care about me as much as I care about them.”

Gabe: [00:08:13] That’s a big one.

Michelle: [00:08:14] Yeah and obviously directed towards a person.

Gabe: [00:08:18] Yeah. That is an excellent point.

Gabe: [00:08:21] The other one is, “if you don’t see my value you’ll see me walk away.”

Michelle: [00:08:25] Or there’s the classic “don’t make someone a priority when you are just some afterthought” an afterthought or whatever it is.

Gabe: [00:08:35] Yeah it’s true.

Gabe: [00:08:36] I have seen all of these Facebook statuses on your Facebook wall.

Michelle: [00:08:39] I have never once posted a Facebook status like that.

Gabe: [00:08:43] I completely agree. You have not.

Gabe: [00:08:45] And I respect that about you and that is the thing that is really that is the professional part of our relationship as we do talk a lot about things that go on behind the scenes. But you know the olive garden thing happened literally months ago and we’re talking about it now in jest and to be funny and because it did happen and because the show relies on like real stories of our lives and problems that we have had. But I’d like to point out that the whole time that you refused to make eye contact or speak with me you weren’t like on Facebook like if he doesn’t realize that I’m half of this podcast that he can suck it.

Michelle: [00:09:20] Exactly.

Gabe: [00:09:22] Everybody would like I wonder who that’s geared at. Let’s see if she has one podcast. One co-host might be Gabe.

Michelle: [00:09:27] Might be who could she be talking about. This ginger haired man is a ginger-haired man.

Gabe: [00:09:38] Wow.

Michelle: [00:09:39] This Ginger head man being mean to me right now and I don’t like him a lot.

Gabe: [00:09:42] You know it’s mean to make fun of somebody’s physical characteristics. Big Nose.

Gabe: [00:09:49] I would never do something like that. Frizzy hair.

Gabe: [00:09:54] We’re gonna step away to hear from our sponsor and hopefully when we come back we’ll get back on track.

Narrator: [00:09:58] This episode is sponsored by betterhelp.com secure convenient and affordable online counseling. All counselors are licensed accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to betterhelp.com/PsychCentral and experience 7 days of free therapy to see if online counseling is right for you. Betterhelp.com/PsychCentral.

Michelle: [00:10:30] Back to self-sabotage.

Michelle: [00:10:32] There’s also “perceived fraudulence and when you do something that raises your public profile you kind of feel like you only have further to fall.” I have suffered from this in my life because one day I think I realized that I have this online persona. People think I’m a cool person. I guess I don’t really think I’m that cool but maybe one day I kind of think what if people think I’m not cool and then everybody realizes I’m a big loser and nobody likes me anymore.

Gabe: [00:10:59] First off I sincerely doubt that you think you’re not cool. That’s that’s just the I’m going to call bullshit on that. You think that you are a badass. In fairness you are. You’ve accomplished quite a lot and you deserve the confidence that you have. But I think that what you are trying to explain is that you’re worried that even though you think you’re a good person and a cool person and you are capable you’re worried that people will think that you’re a fraud. And the reason that they will think you’re a fraud is because eventually, you’re going to fail. Eventually, you’re gonna have a project that doesn’t work and you’ve had projects that haven’t worked. Michelle, you pop up in New York City which is very very difficult.

Gabe: [00:11:40] I want to give you full props a lot of people think that you just sell this stuff online and the relative safety of your own home. But actually, you go out on the streets of New York City and sell your wares very publicly right?

Michelle: [00:11:53] Mm hmm.

Gabe: [00:11:55] Every time you go do you sell the same amount. Oh no. So that means that sometimes your sales are successful and profitable and sometimes even though you’re selling the exact same stuff and you’re the exact same person sometimes you lose money and you spend the whole day like for negative dollars.

Michelle: [00:12:13] That has happened. Yes yes.

Gabe: [00:12:17] Failure.

Michelle: [00:12:17] That’s how I started. I started in a deficit but now it’s getting way better with the connections that I’ve made through other places where I can pop up now in better spots for less of a price. Because when you do pop up in New York City unless you have a permit you have to pay to be at a pop-up shop in a certain place. So if you don’t make over the amount of money that you’ve paid to have your place you then lose money but then there’s also sales and then there’s revenue. Did you make more in your revenue that you’ve actually paid?

Gabe: [00:12:51] Are you explaining business to our listeners like we just became a business podcast. So we’re like Forbes for mentally ill people. Thank you Michelle for explaining business economics to our listeners.

Michelle: [00:13:05] I’ve done days where I’ve sold one shirt. I’ve done days where I’ve sold 30 shirts.

Gabe: [00:13:10] What’s the most shirts you’ve ever sold in one day?

Michelle: [00:13:15] About 30.

Gabe: [00:13:16] And what is the least number of shirts you’ve ever sold?

Michelle: [00:13:17] One.

Gabe: [00:13:18] So that that’s a world of difference.

Michelle: [00:13:21] So yes.

Gabe: [00:13:22] So even in your manufacturing enterprise it is wildly successful. I mean it really is you are. You are very successful as a designer and seller of clothes correct?

Michelle: [00:13:36] Yes.

Gabe: [00:13:37] But all days aren’t equal. So I think that sometimes people don’t look at the whole. And you know our show, for example, every single time we have an episode that goes poorly. What do I do?

Michelle: [00:13:50] You get upset.

Gabe: [00:13:51] And who do I call.

Michelle: [00:13:52] Me.

Gabe: [00:13:53] And what do you say.

Michelle: [00:13:54] Next time will be better.

Gabe: [00:13:55] Yes.

Gabe: [00:13:56] And you point out that our stats for the entire month are always great. But yeah you’ve got to have an episode that’s the worst one in a month. You’ve got to have an episode that’s the best one. They’re not all gonna be uniform. That’s impossible but it is mathematically impossible. Some shows are gonna do better than others. You always say it like that New York accent and usually mocking me. But that is the pep talk that you give me every single time. But I always tell you no no no. This is proof that people are losing interest and that it’s no longer good. And I start to just devolve very quickly into “Oh it’s gonna be over soon” and every month your right.

Michelle: [00:14:31] It goes back up.

Michelle: [00:14:33] Does those do you always try to find a scapegoat of why it failed.

Gabe: [00:14:39] I don’t try to find a scapegoat of why it fails because I do always try to find a scapegoat and I always think that it’s me and by extension of it being me I think it’s you.

Gabe: [00:14:52] So I always think it’s us because the show is just us. I don’t know that that’s a bad way to look at it though.

Gabe: [00:14:59] I mean if I’m being completely honest with myself I do take credit for the success of the show. We take credit for the success of the show and I feel very strongly that if you’re gonna take credit for something you need to take the negative. If you’re going to pat yourself on the back when you’re successful you need to take the blame for failure. And I just I really really detest people that want all the credit when things go well but they’re nowhere to be found when things go poorly.

Gabe: [00:15:28] I don’t like people like that. I don’t. I think that it’s that’s irresponsible. I will be standing at the finish line whether we win or whether we lose.

Michelle: [00:15:35] And I just believe that.

Michelle: [00:15:36] There is no I in team.

Gabe: [00:15:39] Yeah but there’s a me and an at.

Michelle: [00:15:43] What.

Gabe: [00:15:43] And meet. And a meta.

Michelle: [00:15:46] What is that supposed to mean?

Gabe: [00:15:48] Gabe is very meta.

Michelle: [00:15:50] I don’t like that word.

Gabe: [00:15:51] You don’t like meta. What is it like meta. Like a box of boxes is very meta or putting spectrums on a spectrum is very meta.

Michelle: [00:16:00] I don’t know what you’re talking about right now you’re just sabotaging this podcast.

Gabe: [00:16:04] That’s very true. Do you think that it is a form of self-sabotage. Anytime I ask you like a very personal question and instead of answering it you deflect onto something else.

Michelle: [00:16:14] I don’t think that’s sabotage. I just think that’s ignoring you.

Gabe: [00:16:18] No I’m I’m being serious.

Gabe: [00:16:20] Like for example right there it’s just you were really snarky I’m just ignoring you why. Really that’s why I’m being sincere that that’s what you want the audience to think that if Gabe asked you a question that you don’t like you just flat out ignore him. Isn’t it very passive aggressive you don’t you don’t say no thank you. You don’t change the subject you know what I mean you’re just I’m just ignoring you dick. I’m like your business.

Michelle: [00:16:41] What questions are you asking me that I’m not answering?

Gabe: [00:16:43] Do you love your mother?

Michelle: [00:16:45] Of course.

Gabe: [00:16:47] I wish we had video right now.

Gabe: [00:16:54] I actually know that you are very very fond of your mother but whenever I ask the question you always get like like I swear to God like your face turns red and some horns pop up and you’re like yes I do.

Michelle: [00:17:13] Do you love your mother?

Gabe: [00:17:14] Damn skippy she brought me into this world.

Gabe: [00:17:18] She makes me Turkey she makes those little Hershey Kiss cookies that I like but not the apple cookies that I like. She made them one year nobody liked them but me. So she’ll never make them again. That bitch I know and now she claims that she lost the recipe in the world of Google. How do you lose a recipe?

Michelle: [00:17:39] You know she’s lying to you. I think she is 100 percent. She is sabotaging Thanksgiving.

Gabe: [00:17:48] Don’t say that. Thanksgiving is way over.

Michelle: [00:17:49] Oh she is sabotaging your happiness. She is. I think that she is sabotaging my happy. You know what you could you Gabe you could just make those Apple cookies.

Gabe: [00:18:00] That is actually an excellent example right now I am upset that last Christmas my mother did not make me the cookies and I blamed her for not finding the recipe. And I blamed her for not using google to find the recipe but I am capable of finding the recipe for her and she’d probably make them. I’m capable of finding the recipe and making them myself. I’m capable of going to a bakery and just buying the damn things but instead I am sabotaging the relationship that I have with my mother by continuing to complain about something that is easily wrecked a fireball because in my mind it’s easier to be pissed off and angry and put upon than to just solve the damn problem.

Michelle: [00:18:41] Did you self sabotage when you were younger.

Gabe: [00:18:43] Yes. And I think that everybody does when they’re younger because we don’t understand the consequences yet. Hard work is hard work and working hard to get nothing is just the ultimate in depressing. It really is. We’ll go back to the sports analogy. You know how everybody says there’s no second place there’s just the first loser. I mean look. Being the second best at something in the entire world is a pretty good place to be. But I understand it.

Michelle: [00:19:10] You worked so hard and so long and you gave it everything you had and it didn’t matter.

Gabe: [00:19:19] Somebody was better than you.

Gabe: [00:19:21] My God that is devastatingly awful but I try to remember that if I didn’t give it 100% and I come in second that means if I would’ve come in first. So the whole reason I’m not standing on top of the pile is because I half-assed it and I think that’s worse in my mind self sabotaging is worse.

Gabe: [00:19:44] It’s why I put in way too much effort into any everything. You know how many people make fun of us for how much effort we put into our little podcast.

Michelle: [00:19:52] People make fun of us?

Gabe: [00:19:53] They make fun of us constantly.

Gabe: [00:19:55] Remember when we started and somebody said you will never find a sponsor ever.

Michelle: [00:19:59] Who said that?

Gabe: [00:20:00] Yeah we’re not going to out people on the show.

Michelle: [00:20:03] But well you know what they can do. Yeah.

Gabe: [00:20:08] You know they can do Michelle when you told your family that you were going to start a podcast did they ever think that it would be a money-making enterprise.

Michelle: [00:20:15] Oh absolutely not.

Gabe: [00:20:16] Yeah yeah. And is it a moneymaking enterprise.

Michelle: [00:20:19] I’m making millions.

Gabe: [00:20:21] OK. No. Now you’re just lying.

Gabe: [00:20:23] Yeah. Now exaggeration and grandiosity is going to be next week’s show.

Gabe: [00:20:29] Michelle tie this together in a bow. Why do people self-sabotage and how do we get them to stop.

Michelle: [00:20:34] I think people are just afraid of doing well because they’re afraid to fail. You’re afraid of failing then you’re just going to mess everything up when you’re doing well in high school. I was undiagnosed schizophrenic. I also had ADHD. They didn’t know about I was really bad at reading books because I had I just couldn’t concentrate on any of the books. So instead of handing in an essay that was going to be awful I just wouldn’t hand in an essay because I didn’t want the teacher to see how stupid I was. So that’s just self-sabotage right there.

Michelle: [00:21:08] I’d rather get a zero than let the teacher know that I couldn’t write because I was dumb.

Gabe: [00:21:13] You’d rather fail because you didn’t try than fail because you’re not good enough.

Michelle: [00:21:19] Exactly.

Gabe: [00:21:21] But you deprived yourself of the opportunity to get better and possibly succeed.

Michelle: [00:21:26] Well I realized this now but I did not realize this then.

Gabe: [00:21:29] But somebody did realize it for you right.

Gabe: [00:21:32] Your parents the teacher I mean somebody corrected this you are a woman who knows how to read and graduated from college and you are quite successful. So I refuse to believe that you went through your entire school career doing no homework turning nothing in and getting all zeros. So somebody fixed this.

Michelle: [00:21:47] I do the easy stuff. I mean I could read the short books but if you put a gigantic book in front of me and tell me to read it I’m going to have a panic attack.

Gabe: [00:21:55] What if I take a gigantic book and I cut it into like four hundred little books. Then could you read it.

Michelle: [00:22:01] No. I read a book and I constantly check how many pages I have left.

Gabe: [00:22:08] How does that help?

Michelle: [00:22:08] It doesn’t get I just get so overwhelmed when I’m reading books.

Gabe: [00:22:14] Still.

Michelle: [00:22:15] Yes.

Gabe: [00:22:16] How do you make it through college?

Michelle: [00:22:16] I was an art major Gabe.

Gabe: [00:22:20] That’s fair. I forgot. The only thing lower than an art major.

Michelle: [00:22:25] A gym teacher.

Gabe: [00:22:27] No. Somebody who plays sports.

Michelle: [00:22:32] You know sports is not a major.

Gabe: [00:22:33] Isn’t it.

Michelle: [00:22:35] It’s not.

Gabe: [00:22:36] Isn’t it.

Michelle: [00:22:36] It’s you can’t graduate with a sports degree.

Gabe: [00:22:39] What about all those all those college football players where do they end up.

Michelle: [00:22:44] To conclude Gabe stop being afraid of success.

Michelle: [00:22:49] Don’t be afraid to fail, strive for the stars because if you fall at least you land on the treetops. A soccer coach used to tell me that over and over again.

Michelle: [00:23:02] And that’s why you switched to lacrosse.

Michelle: [00:23:05] Yes.

Gabe: [00:23:07] Thank you, everybody, for tuning into this week’s episode of a bipolar schizophrenic and a podcast. My name is Gabe Howard and with me as always is Michelle Hammer. Remember you can head over to store.PsychCentral.com and buy the official define normal shirt which supports the show. Send us your topic ideas to [email protected]. Remember to leave a comment.

Gabe: [00:23:34] Everywhere you see these comments really really help us leave us a five-star review. Pass this on to your friend. Don’t let our show die otherwise. Michelle and I will just continue to fight.

Narrator: [00:23:51] You’ve been listening to a bipolar schizophrenic podcast. If you love this episode don’t keep it to yourself head over to eye tunes or your preferred podcast app to subscribe rate and review. To work with Gabe go to GabeHoward.com. To Work with Michelle go to Schizophrenic.NYC. For free mental health resources and online support groups. Head over to PsychCentral.com. Show’s official Website PsychCentral.com/BSP you can e-mail us a [email protected]. Thank you for listening and share widely.

Meet Your Bipolar and Schizophrenic Hosts

GABE HOWARD was formally diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorders after being committed to a psychiatric hospital in 2003. Now in recovery, Gabe is a prominent mental health activist and host of the award-winning Psych Central Show podcast. He is also an award-winning writer and speaker, traveling nationally to share the humorous, yet educational, story of his bipolar life. To work with Gabe, visit gabehoward.com.

MICHELLE HAMMER was officially diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 22, but incorrectly diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18. Michelle is an award-winning mental health advocate who has been featured in press all over the world. In May 2015, Michelle founded the company Schizophrenic.NYC, a mental health clothing line, with the mission of reducing stigma by starting conversations about mental health. She is a firm believer that confidence can get you anywhere. To work with Michelle, visit Schizophrenic.NYC.

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