#whattrainofthought

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1. Watching His Favorite Movie - every iteration I've ever seen

My headcanons based on vibes and thrown together in the middle of the night

1987 Raphael

becomes the most annoying person you’ve ever watched a movie with 

ever 

has seen this movie ten dozen times, can and will quote it by heart 

would rather make fun of everything in said movie, witty one-liners galore 

all the snacks which he chews obnoxiously and loudly 

1990s Raph 

as background noise to literally anything 

once he saw it and decided yep this is my favorite he never sat down to watch it again 

he's got things to do and ain’t nobody got time to sit down and watch a movie they’ve already seen 

just has it playing while he works out or cleans his sai or does chores or whatever 

but if someone tries to turn it off he will get pissed, he was paying attention thank you very much and that was the best part 

TNM Raph 

on his own, he either gets super into it or just passes out halfway through 

with some else, he must make them understand why this is in fact the greatest movie of all time 

the kinda guy that goes wait wait wait here’s the best part and gets mad when you don’t react correctly to his favorite scenes 

the guys hate him for it because they’ve all seen this movie a million times 

but Venus has not! and he takes full advantage of that fact 

2003 Raph 

is pretty thoughtful and quiet about it 

mostly because he likes to pull it out when he’s having a low-energy day or just feeling nostalgic 

must be doing something mindless simultaneously: knitting, eating, I don’t know, laundry?

is also super insightful about it, can and will dissect the plot 

hums the soundtrack to himself for the rest of the day 

2007 Raph 

prefers to watch with at least one other person so he can ✨ discuss ✨

always uses closed captions

loves the IDEA of sneaking into theaters to see it but can’t stand watching it straight through 

frequently pauses and rewinds, especially loves extended cuts and commentaries 

will get sidetracked halfway through by video essays and online debates courtesy of Donnie

2012 Raph 

his level of enjoyment is directly proportional to the amount of scoffing 

even alone actually, it's not just a tough guy act 

it's like when you know something is objectively awful but you unironically love it anyway 

if someone misreads this as dislike or disinterest and suggests turning it off they will be threatened within an inch of their life 

hates interruptions cannot stand people who talk while watching his movie and gets really frustrated when he can’t finish watching it in one sitting 

Rise Raph 

DO NOT GET NEAR HIM 

the closest available object and/or person will become his personal teddy bear for the duration of any scene that makes him emotional 

otherwise he’s reenacting the entire thing, as a one-man show or with his siblings 

definitely knows it by heart and all of the trivia 

particularly all the obscure actors and stunt people 

M&M Raph 

so loud, oh my wow, both him and whatever device he’s watching on 

reacts every time like it’s the first time he’s seen it 

especially loses his mind if he notices something he never has before 

talks about it for hours afterwards 

will subconsciously adopt all the catchphrases and verbal quirks 

#march for raph #zero evidence for any of this just felt right #i had this all ready to go and i was really happy with it when i realised i FORGOT 07 #don't worry i added him once i remembered #it's always 07 raph i'm so sorry you deserve better #raphael hamato #raphael splinterson #tmnt 1987 #tmnt 1990 #the next mutation #tmnt 2003 #tmnt 2007 #tmnt 2012 #rottmnt #mutant mayhem #tmnt #whattrainofthought

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87!Donatello: She isn't even a turtle!

87!Michelangelo: So! Nobody's perfect.

v.

12!Raph: She's in the Foot clan.

12!Leo: Nobody's perfect.

#one of these things is not like the other #buffy is actually a queen though #felt inspired after watching this 87 episode and spent way too long making these #donatello hamato #michelangelo hamato #tmnt 1987 #poor little rich turtle #s4e28 #raphael hamato #leonardo hamato #tmnt 2012 #new girl in town #s1e14 #tmnt #tv shows #whattrainofthought

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Y'all, "Big Brawl - Part 1" was so funny to me. It's like sneaking into your dad's high school reunion and figuring out he—and also your grandpa, apparently??—was captain of the football team and the most popular kid in school. But wait! There's more! You also find out that he went toe to toe with the school's biggest baddest bully and had to be saved by Some Dude™️. And then, surprise! The principal likes your dad so much that he's gonna let you play on the football team, too. And the principal's son, who tried to kill you once, doesn't want to kill you anymore (sus) and wants to help you out (double sus). I haven't even watched the other parts yet since this one was so bonkers to wrap my head around.

#or as mikey says #finding out your dad is superman #this is wildly hilarious #everyone like yo splinter you didn't tell your kids about us???? #plus raph on high alert and super protective #leo paying respect to hamato yoshi's statue was very sweet though #big brawl #tmnt 2003 #tmnt #whattrainofthought

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Huh? Oh, don't mind me. Just thinking about how 1987 Raphael's hatred for humanity comes not only from his experiences but as a direct inheritance from Splinter.

What?? You say. But Splinter is always trying to convince him not to hate humans. Yes, but that's after Splinter spent years unlearning his own resentment. Because of April and Zach and the many others they've met over the years who extended kindness freely to Splinter and his little clan.

Splinter has always seen firsthand the worst humans have to offer. Exiled from his family and ancestral home by Oroku Saki's greed and envy. In a foreign land, driven into the sewers by xenophobia. Attacked years later by Oroku Saki, who chased him halfway across the world. He and his sons hunted, defamed, and harmed by dozens of humans. Gosh, early in his mutation, he is so desperate to be human again that the boys are willing to give up anything. But within moments of being above ground, the humans are so cruel, dashing his hope so utterly upon the rocks that when his sons get a chance at humanity, he warns them against it.

Somehow, in his enlightened way, Splinter unlearns this fear and distrust through his interactions with human friends. So how come Raphael can't? I would argue it's because Raphael doesn't really consider those same people human. He knows they are, but he puts them on another level. They are very much on the us side of us vs. them, which is why he never bothers to say "except April, or Irma, or Zach, or whoever" when he's getting worked up about humans. In his mind, they're in distinct categories.

We know Splinter taught the turtles to be cautious of the surface, of daylight hours, and humans who might stumble upon them and their home. He must have impressed upon them a sense of distrust. Whether he actively distilled his own enmity into them or not, I don't know, but it's clear Raphael picked up on it. And this inherited hatred only grew as humans proved to be, at best, unappreciative of, perhaps disgusted with, Raphael and his brothers. And, at worst, wanted them dead.

#why yes raphael is my favorite of the 87 turtles however did you know #raphael hamato #hamato yoshi #master splinter #tmnt 1987 #tmnt #tv shows #whattrainofthought

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Don't make me turn you on your backs!

has got to be the funniest thing Splinter has ever said to the turtles. I can't believe they hid it in Coming Out of Their Shells.

#cannot possibly be an effective threat against mutant ninja turtle teens who are larger than you splinter #the tmnt equivalent of being put in time out #master splinter #coming out of their shells #tmnt #whattrainofthought

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13. Worthless - TMNT 1987

Some thoughts on Raphael, master of disguise.

There's this scene in "Raphael, Turtle of a Thousand Faces" (s05e16) that I think about a lot.

So Raphael is taking a remote class on undercover detective work, and the other turtles make fun of him practicing disguises for an assignment. Splinter checks on him after he storms off, and it's such a short conversation, but I think there's more going on under the surface.

First of all, Splinter's reaction to learning about the class is hilarious. His face is fun to watch and he's so baffled he literally gasps. But then you can tell he tries to be patient and understanding. I wish I knew what he was thinking. Is it, why would you want to be anything other than a ninja? Or maybe, you've never expressed interest in this before, where is this coming from?? If you've ever worked for a while with the same group of kids or adolescents, you may be familiar with this thought.

At first glance, Raphael's response breaks my heart. He tells Splinter he's taking this class to make "more of a contribution to the mean green team! You know, something special." My immediate thought is that he's feeling a little worthless. But then I step back and wonder if I'm reading too far into it. Taking the time to learn a new skill to better support your teammates is a worthwhile endeavor. This is not, on its own, necessarily an indicator of low self-esteem. But what bothers me is that nobody knew he was doing this. Again, not explicitly a bad thing, but it seems weird to me that he wouldn't involve the other turtles or at least let them know about it so they can support him.

So Splinter, of course, immediately reassures him they're all special. Also not sure what to make of how he says this because it sounds some combination of fond and amused but also just conciliatory. What's interesting is what Raphael says next, and how he says it causes me to question that initial assumption again. He agrees, almost genuinely? Like he says "maybe" but not in a "yeah, I guess" choosing-not-to-argue-but-feeling-otherwise kind of way, he sounds sincere. Now, this could be him saying, well, duh, we're special, how many other crime-fighting turtle men do you know? This would line up with stuff he's expressed throughout the series. But he finishes very showy and cheerfully with, "But I'll be the only master of disguise!" So maybe that first impression was wrong. Maybe this is just a teenager branching out and discovering other interests. Maybe the secrecy was because he was worried the guys would make fun of him—which they did. Or maybe, he wants to distinguish himself from the other turtles, wants his own thing. 

And I wonder why he might feel like he needs his own thing or specialty. One of my favorite parts about the team dynamic in this series is that they don't really have designated roles. Leonardo is the leader in that he keeps them rallied and on task, but they all take turns offering plans and solutions, serving as the distraction, playing bait, or, more practically, just driving or flying. But since Leonardo has a defined role as the leader/master ninja, Donatello as the inventor/the one who gets them out of trouble (see one of my favorite Raphael lines at the end of "My Brother, the Bad Guy"), and even Michelangelo as the chef/pizza guy, maybe he's feeling some anxiety over his own ambiguous role.

But I can't get rid of the feeling that he thinks he's not enough and the others are brushing it off. Especially after their weak apologies—"We didn't know you were actually serious about this disguise thing." Especially as he tries so hard to prove his dedication and skill and ends up in a lot of trouble in the rest of this episode. Especially when he gives up private investigation but immediately throws himself into chemistry at the end of the episode, once again on his own and without help.

This happens in one episode, and as far as I remember, they never talk about it again, but he's my little guy, and I worry, okay! I just want him to be happy and know he's loved and valued.

#march for raph #he is my little guy #and sometimes he makes me sad #because i love him so much #raphael turtle of a thousand faces #tmnt 1987 #tmnt #whattrainofthought

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17. Good Citizen - TMNT 1987

Hmmm, this prompt got me thinking about "Once Upon a Time Machine" (S05E02).

The public perception of the turtles in the Red Sky seasons hurts a lot more when you remember that, in 2036, they're respected heroes—"and it's about time, too!" according to Raphael—who retired comfortably on the surface after defeating Shredder, eliminating crime, and cleaning up the city. After learning this, Raphael says adorably, "I can't wait to meet our famous selves in person!" You may, however, recall this was one of the more preachy episodes where the turtles had to learn a lesson about their actions and thus likely changed the events leading to this future.

Whether it's still their future or an entirely separate timeline, they at least know it's a possibility . . . 40 years down the road. Unfortunately, patience and hope aren't really Raphael's strengths. I can't imagine what hurts worse: waiting so long to be accepted and appreciated when it's all you've ever wanted or thinking you may never have anything like it again.

#march for raph #thought it was cute that the public tour about the turtles mentioned them defeating shredder AND starting a campaign to clean the city #those boys tried so hard to be good citizens #raphael hamato #once upon a time machine #red sky seasons #tmnt 1987 #tmnt #whattrainofthought

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Donatello: Come on, come on! Hit me with your best shot!

Raphael: [laughs] Whatever you say~

WWE Announcer: HERE COMES RAPHAEL WITH A STEEL CHAIR SOFA!!!

#he just! chucks it at him!! #peak sibling behavior #raphael hamato #tmnt 1987 #tmnt #tv shows #rock around the block #season 6 #whattrainofthought

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20. Raph vs a Volcano - Coming Out of Their Shells

Did you know Joe Versus the Volcano came out in 1990? Do you know what else came out in 1990? This justification is tenuous, at best, I know, but I have and will continue to use these prompts to talk about Raph how ever I want.

I haven't watched any recordings of the live show yet, but here are some of my favorite moments from the album supplemented with wiki details in no particular order. Diving fully into the frame story because who is going to stop me.

Raph is the lead vocalist on most of the songs and plays like three instruments

impressively musically inclined

apparently the first of the four to get into music

boy's got a gorgeous voice and a nice range of pitch and timbre

he wrote all the music!!! and Mikey wrote the words!! and they sing lead together!

they are thee duo

Tell 'em, Raph!

followed by the most beautifully sung line you ever did hear

honestly the entirety of cowabunga

it's Mikey talking up all of his brothers, and he dedicates it to Splinter, and it's the sweetest thing ever

he calls Raph his very best friend *weeps*

Splinter's song and the implication that as they were writing the songs, Raph or Mikey were like, 'Dad! Do you wanna sing with us!'

OR

Splinter was the one who asked them to write him a song

cuz like he could have just sung back-up and/or played an instrument like Leo and Donnie

but he has his own ENTIRE song

and since Splinter is the most supportive dad ever

of course, they gave him his own vague-probably-metaphoric-but-still-pretty song

the music, in general, is really interesting and enjoyable

sing about it, skipping stones, and walk straight have really good musical moments

pizza power and cowabunga have my favorite lyrics

so yeah well done Raph and Co.

#march for raph #thank you for coming to my turtle talk #the actual singers are listed as the turtles' voice coaches which i think is adorably clever #raphael splinterson #michelangelo splinterson #master splinter #coming out of their shells #tmnt #whattrainofthought

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Remember that time Jim Cummings voiced 87 Shredder? Whenever I get to one of those episodes, this is approximately what goes on in my brain

#he did a bunch of the vacation in europe episodes and i find that hilarious #overall he filled in something like nine episodes #which is not even 5% of the show but they stick out #shredder #jim cummings #hondo ohnaka #tmnt 1987 #tmnt #tv shows #whattrainofthought

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16. Dance Competition - The Next Mutation

In this essay, I will perform a totally impartial review of select TNM episodes to prove Raph could win a dance competition.

Dancing - "Turtles' Night Out"

Remember when Mikey threw a costume party rave to raise money for endangered animals? No? Probably for the best. All you need to know is that Mikey hosts an all-night rave and makes the other turtles help him with it. They even dance, so let's judge them for it. I mean, on it.

Mikey is a simple but good dancer. Follows the beat well enough and goes with the flow. Mostly simple arm moves, some recognisable stuff, all well executed. I gather he has the most dance experience of the five. And! He does all this while DJing. Could be interesting to watch him show off.

Venus does not dance. Does carry Mace. Good for her.

Leo's moves mostly consist of shadowboxing, kicking, and whatnot. Tries to dance like a normal person and just looks awkward. Bless his heart, he does not know what to do with his limbs. One gal does compliment his moves, though, and they dance together.

Donnie, at first, seems to know what he's doing but also ends up pseudo-fighting or maybe doing aerobics. And he just keeps kicking. There are casualties. Despite this, the ladies are very impressed by him, and he and Leo perform a fun move together, finishing with a classic high foot.

Last but not least, Raph, The Bouncer (his words, he’s so silly I love him). He bops, sways, and hums along to the music, triple threat. Does very little actual dancing, but since this is March for Raph, we should let him win anyway.

Kidding. We obviously don't have enough data to determine he's the winner, so let's score them all out of four here and do the same for their skateboarding and sparring skills.

Scores: Mikey 4/4, Donnie 3/4, Leo 2/4, Raph 1/4, Venus 0/4

Skateboarding - "Unchain My Heart, Part 1"

This is an activity that contains skills related to dancing, right? Yes? Maybe? Alright. Leo and Raph stand out to me as the better skateboarders. Raph trumps Leo because his tricks are cooler, and his lines are funnier. Mikey does well, but not as many tricks as Leo and Raph, who also get more airtime. Venus likely has much less experience than the guys but holds her own. Donnie is dead last since he only stands on his remote-controlled skateboard. Skilled engineer? Yes. Skilled skateboarder? Apparently not.

Scores: Raph 4/4, Leo 3/4, Mikey 2/4, Venus 1/4, Donnie 0/4

Sparring - "Sewer Crash," "Like Brothers," and "Truth or Consequences"

Let's narrow this down to one-on-one spars with Raph, just because.

Raph and Donnie: The particular spar I'm thinking about might be unfair to Donnie, who is being hypnotised at night and not sleeping, but it’s less sparring and more showing off anyway. Raph looks very cool in this scene. Point to Raph.

Raph and Mikey: Raph pretty casually blocks Mikey's attacks and quickly gets him in a hold. Point to Raph.

Raph and Leo: So evenly matched they can fight all day without a definitive winner. Leo is victorious in one episode because he is sufficiently pissed off and spiteful. Raph, in other episodes, overwhelms him with pure strength. Solid tie.

Raph and Venus: She can and does kick his butt, but he's quick to return the favor. He has better technique and more experience that she makes up for with unorthodox methods and magic. Tie.

Scores: Raph 4/4, Leo 4/4, Venus 4/4, Donnie 2/4, Mikey 2/4

Outcomes

After formally and scientifically analysing random scenes with absolutely no bias toward a certain turtle, I've determined the following outcomes for a dance competition. In third place, with 5 points each, we have the ever-lovable Donnie and Venus. Mikey takes second with 8 points, probably lower than he could be because he's too busy daydreaming about what abominations he could be whipping up in the kitchen. And with 9 points, Raph would win . . . and tie with Leo. Tough tortillas, bud. Even in a hypothetical competition rigged in your favor, you're still stuck with him.

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Bonus: silly photos of them on a rank podium.

#march for raph #this was really fun to think about #raphael splinterson #donatello splinterson #michelangelo splinterson #leonardo splinterson #venus de milo #the next mutation #tmnt #whattrainofthought

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5. Video Games - Multi

What's this? More Raphael angst? Why are we surprised.

So I was listening to Stay Down by boygenius while some prompts simmered in my brain, and when this one started boiling somewhere around verse two, I knew what I had to do.  

Would Raph even like this song? Who knows, but I sure do, so I am going to close-read the heck out of it and draw so many connections.

Video Games >> I'm just steering my life in a video game >> It's a half-life, it's a fallout 

before any of you wonder what this has got to do with the prompt, here it is! it's in the song. prompt satisfied

apparently, those are also references to video games

. . .

moving on

Fighting and Learned Behavior >> lean into the punch >> push me down >> hold me under >> stay down 

a.k.a. physical altercations as an allegory for Raphael’s life 

obsessed with the metaphor of him leaning into a punch

if he can’t avoid life's blows, he'll do what he can to make them hurt less

suffer the hit just to get it over with, or take it for someone else

on a less angsty note, I simply associate Raph with boxing 

he's a skilled ninja, but sometimes he wants to sucker-punch someone

cuz this boy really loves fighting, and that ain’t a bad thing 

>> wasn't a fighter 'til somebody told me I had better learn >> would you teach me I'm the villain

I think a lot about Raph and learned behavior 

when I tell you Rise and '03 Splinter altered my brain chemistry 

hiding their connection to the Foot/Hamato Clan

trying to spare their sons from anger, grief, trauma, vengeance, and wars that don't belong to them is fascinating to me 

but in every version, he teaches Raph how to fight 

and I've talked about how '87 Raphael still inherited those things from Splinter's

even the ones who don’t are still altered by growing up with him, looking at you M&M Raph 

it's not a coincidence '12 Splinter sees so much of himself in his son

Defense Mechanism and Love for Enemies >> lean into the punch so it don't hurt as bad when they leave 

Raph's anger often screams defense mechanism to me

if humans are going to hate him anyway, again he'll lean into it

be snarky and rude and scary and mean and give them something to really hate

sometimes, his anger is preemptive, but it's not always unfounded

I don't think even ten fingers are enough to count how many times a recurring character turned on the '87 turtles

Raphael should have been allowed to beat up Vernon as consolation

>> there you were, turning your cheek 

but wait! there's more! the Christian references in this song are not subtle

Luke 6:27,29 "Love your enemies; do good to those who hate you . . . if anyone strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also"

I'm thinking about '87 Raphael's "Yeah, I'm with ya, but I'm bitter" and helping the guys protect a city that doesn't appreciate all they do

I'm thinking about '03 Raph, who is resolute it's not their problem that the city's at war but gets involved because Leo does 

I'm thinking about '07 Raph taking up the Nightwatcher mantle after Leo leaves New York 

Disconnection in Personal Relationships >> I look at you and you look at a screen 

this second verse, I think, is pretty open to interpretation, which works well given how many variations there are of Raph

linking "screen" to "video game" in the next line, I picture Raph reaching out and being ignored

like '03 Raph figuring his anger out on his own v. Leo getting sent away for serious/professional help

like '07 Raph missing Leo and hearing no word from him for years 

or I read "screen" with the connotation of concealment

like Rise Raph keeping it together for his little brothers until he can't

like their shock when he finally breaks down

the loneliness of Raph looking at his brothers and knowing them so well but feeling like they never really see him  

>> similar acts and a different name 

I am always struck by how similar Raph and his brothers are 

the little things they do the same because they were raised together

the ways they deliberately emulate each other  

it has to sting seeing so much of them in himself and himself in them and still be reduced to "the angry one"

especially when it's them thinking this way

(side note, Google has this lyric miswritten as "similar accent," which is hilarious in this context) 

Loss and Lack of Control >> I'm in the back seat of my body 

canon takes great pleasure in depriving Raph of control over his body 

how intensely all Raphaels experience their emotions 

off-screen and childhood trauma like “Savage Raph” in Rise 

on-screen trauma that must lead to dissociation, flashbacks, nightmares, etc. 

the two, at least that I know of, mind control events with ‘12 and Rise Raph

even ‘87 Raphael getting de-aged

you could also interpret this as gender dysphoria and I've seen a lot of good trans Raph headcanons

>> I'm just steering my life in a video game 

beyond losing control of his body, Raph never really has control of his life 

“turtle luck” and all that 

this often shows up when their stories shift

like ‘87 Raphael, who goes from a wise guy to a sarcastic grouch as his story drags on and takes a darker turn

as opposed to Rise Raph, who throughout the series, gets talked down from heroism and over-vigilance

but guess which behaviors get rewarded and reinforced during the Shredder arcs and Krang invasion

so as not to ignore the prompt any more than I already have, I do enjoy those episodes where “life in a video game” for Raphael is a little more on the nose

Combat Land (1987), Across the Universe (2003), Mazes and Mutants (2012) 

Literally Neurodivergent and a Minor 

(Shoutout to this art from @/20s-turtle-posting that inspired the name of this section) ((and, no, I did not realise this is an ironic meme and will be taking it seriously))

>> aren't I the one constantly repenting for a difficult mind? >> push me down into the water like a sinner, hold me under >> villain >> sinner >> half-life >> fallout 

I warned you about the religious imagery, but it's a little off in this verse

because repentance is about change as growth

but Raph feels like he has to change his "difficult mind" this ingrained part of himself

so he's stuck in a cycle of remorse and regret, unable to gain control

I think about running fast and far and anguished cries of “what is wrong with me?” (2003)

pushed into and held under, the waters of baptism are no longer cleansing and renewing but suppressing

it's the people closest to him saying “you are seriously twisted” (2012) and “you’ve got a rage problem” (M&M)

and having to decide between hiding those parts of himself or hoping they'll love him anyway

it's Raph feeling bad and broken, feeling like he's a danger and a poison to everyone around him

>> lean into the punch so it don't hurt as bad when they leave >> it takes so long for me to settle down and when I finally do, there's no one else around 

and I wonder if Raph's temper is ever tied to feeling unlovable, and one feeling sparks another in a vicious feedback loop 

a teenager testing the boundaries of care and affection, more defense mechanisms

how does he get himself to believe in their steadfast love even when he feels unworthy of it

to trust he's safe enough to feel all of his ugliest emotions when his life is so out of control

he forgets, his story doesn’t let him remember, that he’s still a kid 

he's got a lot of growing to do, and even if it takes a long time, he’ll settle down one day, find his balance 

his family’s gonna stick it out, and they’ll still be around when he finally gets there

tl;dr I will never be able to listen to this song without crying about Raphael now, so thanks, brain. 

#march for raph #cw trauma #discussed not shown #it's still the fifth somewhere right? #why did i think a pseudo-essay would be less work/time-consuming than a fic? great question #raphael splinterson #raphael hamato #tmnt #whattrainofthought

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25. Laser Tag Gone Wrong - The Next Mutation

Let's take a trip to Joe's Laser Funhouse

Some thoughts on "The Good Dragon" (S1E23). I've said before Venus and Raph are besties in this show, and I stand by that, but they also give off baby sister and big brother vibes, especially in this episode. It adds an interesting perspective when they butt heads over Raph being too protective and Venus declaring she doesn't need protecting. This is true; she kicks serious shell, and Raph knows it.

ACTUALLY WAIT, DO YOU KNOW WHAT INTERPRETATION WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER?? THEY BOTH THINK OF THEMSELF AS THE OLDER SIBLING. This is perfect. Venus was so sad when Leo said they weren't related (part of my list of things to ignore). I swear she wanted to be their mysterious, long-lost sister so bad. So I imagine she gets to New York, meets the guys, and is like, ah yes, four little brothers, how exciting I've always wanted to be a sister. But Raph, who is the protector ever, meets Venus and is like, ay sweet, baby sis acquired. You guys, I'm so big brain for this. Okay, on to the actual episode.

Brief Inexhaustive List of Ignorable Things:

every incorrect use of the term shinobi, forget the word exists in this show it will make your life easier

weird out of sync running sound effects

weirder dragon noises

the dragons do not look like dragons, they look like humans in baggy clothes, green body paint made to look vaguely like scales, and red-eye contacts

on that note Venus' plastron

don't know how I never realised this before, but there's a scene in the opening where Leo's in yellow instead of dark blue??

whatever puns you don't like, it's 70-30 for me on which land or not

My Commentary:

We open at Joe's Laser Funhouse

Raph and Venus are playing laser tag

Raph: "Oh, Venus! I'm coming for you!"

Raph could probably afford to sound a little less serial killer, but that would be boring, actually

R: "Ya mess with the best, ya fall like the rest"

Raph might just be posing

BUT

I choose to believe he is actually the laser tag champ in this version

R: "Raph rocks"

yes, you do, honey, never change

or maybe do because Venus immediately tags him

or not

not sure if she completely missed him from five feet away or if Raph did actually cheat somehow like she insinuates

R: "Want fair? See a judge"

what could you possibly know about the US judicial system

Venus: "This here town ain't big enough for the both of us"

who showed Venus a Western!! I'm not mad, I just wanna talk!!

literally the cutest thing ever

V: "Draw!"

except it's NOT Raph it's a dragon

good thing he's super dramatic and ominously inches his laser closer to Venus so that OTHER dragon can come in and knock him out

you know, the titular Good Dragon

R: "D'you know why they call them dragons? 'Cause they're a major drag"

Raph saves the day with the power of ninjutsu and puns

After two PowerPoint transitions, we arrive at the lair

obligatory Venus getting mad about it Raph rescuing her all the time

R: "Ah, quit being such a weenie, I'd've done it for anyone"

which is not inaccurate

but we know the truth, he just wants to watch his sister's back

proceeds to jack Mikey's food and leave

Quick jump over to the Dragon Lord's Lair

turns out Joe's Laser Funhouse is actually the Good Dragon's hideout

Mikey: "Hey, Raph! What's the mutatious babe up to?"

you know Raph's hovering when folks start asking him what Venus is up to

he is, in fact, just watching her meditate in this scene

yes, Mikey calls her that. no, I don't know why

I've just been reading it as a silly Mikey thing

Back to Joe's Laser Funhouse

can't believe Venus got past Raph to Joe's Laser Funhouse by herself

V: "Good doggie! Sit! Stay!"

Good Dragon v. rabid dog

FIGHT

R: "Ay, yo! Mei Pieh Chi!"

never mind, there he is

comes in a-shoutin', but it's really sweet that he uses her real name!

alternatively, calling her by her legal name for the full big brother effect

R: "Where you hidin', huh?"

she sneaks up on and judo-flips him

why? why not

as far as I remember, Raph is the only turtle Venus consistently chooses violence with

V: "Goo!" R: "Uh, that's boo, Venus" V: "No. When you're packing these it's 'goo'"

excuse you, Raphael, she got that colloquialism wrong on purpose

they are very physical and constantly in each other's faces in this episode, such sibling behavior

oh no, he fell for the classic made you look + mystic goo ball getaway!

R: "I've been psyched out by a peace-loving mutant!"

hilarious because she gets into and out of as many fights as he does

Raph, I hate to break it to you, but you are also a mutant

V: "Being hunted isn't so bad, trust me I know. Sometimes I even enjoy it"

girl, we need to get you some new nemeses and professional help

V: "Gee, Raphael, you see kind of angry"

metaphorically and then literally pokes the beast

see could be little or big sibling behavior, I don't know

R: "Oh, boy"

he says, after getting kicked into a dumpster and dragged away

V: "Raphael's in the trash!"

how she chooses to announce to the lair that Raph has been kicked into a dumpster and dragged away

Leo: "There's no dragon alive that Raph can't wail on"

okay, Leo's faith in him is really sweet

Donnie: "A . . ." L: "B. . ." M: "3. . ." D: "Shouldn't that have been C?"

Donnie, why do you even bother

Splinter: "Teenagers! Ugh, can't get used to them"

Splinter when nobody ever tells him anything

he's like, where are you going? where is my son???

and they just leave

PowerPoint transition to Props Props Props

that's the name of the prop warehouse Raph is being held captive in

Raph is tied up with tinsel and string lights

why would a dragon who likely has no concept of Christmas also put a star on his head?

Did Raph tell him to do it?

who knows, but Raph is very bothered by looking like a Christmas tree, and the Christmas music in the background sells it

R: "There's no shame in, uh, being good"

Raph's attempts at negotiation

unfortunately, said dragon reacts like he's been called a slur

Good Dragon: "You're my only hope . . . I'll sacrifice you to prove my loyalty"

you have been chosen

farewell, Raphael

you go on to a better place

R: "Here's the concept: you untie Raph, Raph will fight, okay?"

everyone just leaves him tied up while they have an epic fight scene

guys, please, he just wants to fight

this is like his third or fourth entreaty to be untied

V: "Merry Mutant Christmas!

as she drives a pair of dragons pulling her around on a sleigh

one is wearing a zebra mask, and the other has a sombrero that she put on them to blind them? I think?

Venus goes ham in this fight

R: "You know, I sorta liked that Good Dragon dude. He wasn't like a dragon. He was more like, uh, like a turtle!"

Raph has two categories: turtles and everyone else

if he decides you're chill, you get to be an honorary turtle

L: "Raph finally makes a friend, and it turns out to be the enemy!"

Leo, don't do him like this

this is like the fourth to last episode, he's made other friends

like Andre and the gorilla

does the baby turtle count?

Raph gets along well with animals

R: "Hey! He wasn't my friend! He was Venus' friend!"

the turtle doth protest too much, methinks

goes to sulk on the couch with his sister

jokes on him, she will not be a reprieve from the mocking

V: "Actually, I think he liked you best" R: "Oh yeah? how's that?" V: "Well, you guys have more in common . . . You're both pig-headed!"

Venus never wastes an opportunity to make fun of Raph

such big sibling energy to me

gets laughed out of the lair and goes for a ride on his . . . hog . . .

All in all, a delightful episode. Love the new insights I had about Venus and Raph's relationship. Laser tag gone wrong in the funniest way possible.

--------------------------

Bonus: memes for Splinter in these trying times.

#march for raph #still on my tnm is actually good if you ignore all of the bad stuff agenda #raphael splinterson #venus de milo #master splinter #michelangelo splinterson #leonardo splinterson #the good dragon #the next mutation #tmnt #whattrainofthought

[whattraintracks]

A BUFFY STAN?? BRO THATS SO REAL !!

(im pumpkinpie59 btw fjdkdkd)

Heck yeah, I'm a Buffy stan!! I loved "Poor Little Rich Turtle" because I loved her. Absolute crime we didn't get more of her. I am constantly haunted by the fact that I must create the content with her that I want to see. So thank you for your adorable art!!

#i wrote a post about why she and raphael could have been besties for march for raph #and one of these days i would like to write a fic about that or her interacting with any of the turtles #can't believe 87 kept introducing people they could be such good friends with and then doing nothing with them #donatello would love someone his age to talk science with #like she's actually so smart #and they pursue different fields so they could be excellent collaborators on big joint projects #but she's also a goofy kid and they all deserve more friends they can be silly with #leonardo lightens up WITHOUT a personality modifier #guys guys guys april STILL does not like her it would be SO funny if she hung out with the turtles a bunch #she'll be like #i'm gonna be their best friend just to spite this adult who does not like me #and she's so real for that okay #also i think she really respects splinter and his wisdom and i think he could be a good guide and role model for her #was not planning on writing an essay in the tags lol #thanks for getting me started XD #buffy shellhammer #tmnt 1987 #tmnt #my asks #whattrainofthought

[whattraintracks]

Do you have a favorite 03 turtle? And least favorite of you have one?

Raph. Hands down.

Genuinely, no. For a given version, I can usually rank them between favorite and slightly less favorite, but for '03—at least so far as I've gotten—I'm sincerely enjoying their characters about the same. From what I heard about the show, I thought going in that I would like Leo best, and I'm historically drawn to Donatellos, so I was unexpectedly delighted for Raph to be my favorite. But wait! You say. You didn't mention Mikey, so he must be your least favo—wrong. I'll admit Michelangelos don't tend to be my favorite turtle, but I do really love '03 Mike. Way more than I expected. So, between liking Mikey and Raph more and Leo and Don less than I expected, they all about average out. I think they're all fun and compelling in different ways, and I have enjoyed each of their centric episodes. Raph's just the coolest of them all 😎

#thank ya kindly for the ask #raphael cool all the time splinterson 😎 #<- swiping yellowhollyhock's tag from a reblog last month because it's hilarious and applicable #raphael splinterson #donatello splinterson #leonardo splinterson #michelangelo splinterson #tmnt 2003 #tmnt #my asks #whattrainofthought

[whattraintracks]

27. Human Friends - TMNT 1987

Buffy and Raphael should've been best friends, spread the word

"Poor Little Rich Turtle" is a spectacular episode

almost entirely because of Buffy Shellhammer

all the boys need more friends their age, Raphael especially

and these two could have gotten along SO WELL

in that episode, Michelangelo’s level of attraction to Buffy is inversely proportional to Raphael’s begrudging respect for her

I bet Raphael tells her about Michelangelo's crush as a joke

and she declares she has no interest in anyone human, turtle, boy, girl, or otherwise, and they high-five/three about it

he would love having a rich friend that lets him hang out in her mansion

he makes fun of her for said mansion but still shamelessly takes advantage of her wealth

which is fair since she’s been trashing his sewer home since day one 

Leonardo’s joke about seeing "how the other half lives"? Yeah, they run that bit six feet under

she does not care that Raphael and his brothers are local heroes they’re just some weird little dudes from beneath the city to her

she is, however, so excited to learn about all the hidden sewer routes around the city so she can escape her more boring responsibilities

they're both made of pretty tough stuff and predictably bond over their abnormal childhoods and limited connections/friends

"don't get out much, do you?" he says like he doesn’t have equally negative amounts of experience with normal teenage fun!!

zero understanding of typical friendship rituals between them

they wrestle, gift each other weird stuff, and spend a lot of time trying to figure out what normal teenagers do, only to give up and do something else because the things they thought of sounded boring

they'll just randomly ask each other stuff like, "did you know most people only eat three meals a day with specific foods for each meal?" and be totally confused together about it

they also have the most skewed concept of money

Raphael has never paid for anything in his life other than pizza, and while Buffy knows the exact value of super niche chemical tech supplies, she could not give you a reasonable estimate for produce

a lifetime with Donatello has made Raphael a surprisingly good sounding board for the more technical aspects of Buffy’s work

which she does enjoy, as well as cutthroat business operations, she just hates her public persona and sucking up to adults who think they know better than her

he likes to hold the fact that t(he)y saved her life (multiple times) over her head, but like as a joke

except for when he tries to use it to win arguments

unfortunately, it never works, she is the most ungrateful brat ever thank you much

they very much share that I don’t owe anyone anything attitude

EXCEPT for Master Splinter, whom they mutually respect and agree is the only acceptable adult

she unironically complains about humans with him but particularly has beef with adults, and he heartily encourages this

they love that they can be total jerks around each other without hurting anyone else’s delicate feelings

THEE besties who judge people and hate each other affectionately

all the insults: "martian" "nerd" "pet store reject" "spoiled brat"

when they’re not coming up with colorful insults for each other, they’re doing it together for other people

it's their favorite bonding activity <3

since she enjoyed their initial misadventure so much, she asks if she can go out with the turtles to fight and stuff again, and Raphael laughs at her

until she takes a bunch of martial arts classes and totally kicks his shell

and, well, he supposes a nice easy patrol or two might be fun

unfortunately, the team cannot handle the strength of their combined sass, and she’s forbidden from ever joining them again, even though she has a mean left hook

ultimately, I think they’d mellow each other out now that they have an outlet for their angst and eventually grow and learn a lot from one another

but, mostly, they just talk so much crap together

#march for raph #buffy is one of my favorite one-off human characters from this series #i unironically love her and i am totally correct about this #raphael hamato #buffy shellhammer #headcanons #character analysis #episode analysis #poor little rich turtle #tmnt 1987 #tmnt #whattrainofthought