thel0nelyst0ner

[thel0nelyst0ner]

I see you. I see you slowly killing yourself. Every day you look more and more tired and worn than the day before. You don't do what you love anymore. You don't smile the way you used to. You don't laugh with me the way you used to. I feel like I don't even recognize you anymore. But I still see you.

I see you everyday, refuse to eat. I see the way you drink to numb yourself from the world. You consume empty calories to fill the emptiness inside of you. You can try all you want to fill an empty room with empty boxes, but at the end of the day there's still nothing inside.

You're starving yourself and drinking yourself to death. You act like you're okay because physically you are still here. But at this rate you won't be here for very long... and that might be okay with you but it's not okay with me.

I love you.... but not only are you killing yourself, you're killing me too. Every day that you don't smile or laugh my heart breaks more and more. I'm not trying to fix you, I'm trying to help you.

But how do you help someone who doesn't want help?

#bpd #mental health #eating disoder things #alcohol #anxiety

[thel0nelyst0ner]

How many sleeping pills is too many? I just took the whole bottle of 3 months worth.

First reason. Dad, you don’t love me. You left me to struggle when I couldn’t afford school, food, rent. All that. I cant. I can’t keep explaining. I have no time left. You know what you did. You cut me out of your life because I was worried about you after you said you were going to propose after 3 months of being with this new woman. You weren’t even divorced from mom yet . You hated her, and acted like it was all her fault. It was both.

Mom. You kicked me out in the middle of covid. I had nowhere to go. I was homeless. I still am. You knew I was switching over meds. You still assaulted me for lighting incense and then kicked me out. You made it known I was fat: you made me feel like less because I’m a girl. You told me and my therapist. You cut me off from therapy when she told you it was wrong to hit me. You are a huge reason

You made me feel like shit. I told you when your bf punched the walls, smoked in the house, asked me to make him food. He told me he would use me as an escape to break up with you. He told me he would use me as a scape goat and not help.

He knew what happened. And yet he didn’t care. But how could I expect him to care? He doesn’t care about his own kids. He told me he buys them off so they leave him alone. He told me he’ll spend all he can on their bills for the phone, wifi, whatever, as long as they leave him alone. He told me he had guns hiding around his apartment.

Patrick. You’re a sheep. You never defended me. You knew I needed you. You knew mom hit me first and you still defended her. You never check on me. But when you neede me I was there for you. I defended you. When your cats died I told you it wasn’t your fault. Even though they died because you and Ashley abandoned them. You guys left the first cat alone for a week with a bowl full of food. Nobody checked on him: then you left your second cat with someone you didn’t even trust. He starved to death. You never check on him. But you blamed everyone else but yourself. It’s your fault. You did to me, what you did to the cat.

The London police. I called you when I was assaulted. You never came. I called you when my boyfriend was assaulted and you still never came. The way you work is backwards.

Mr and mrs Simmons. You guys are a reason hands down. You guys deserve to rot in hell. I hope you die a slow, painful death, as you deserve. Debbie, you knew your partner was hitting your kids and you never protected them. Then as they got older, you guys found ways to manipulate Colin. You stole his dog from him. You continued to assault him. You threatened him and said he will be dead before the cops can come help. And here we are. I called the cops and Colin still protected you, even though Chris, you just punched him in the jaw. You deserve to die. You’re hand down the worst people I have ever met. I love a lot of people, almost everyone”. But no you. You guys are the worst people I have ever met.

CRB, EI, social assistance , all those people involved with that. You guys are to blame too. I reached out to our government asking for help. Because I can’t afford to live. You made it impossible to decisive help. The boy Corin helped me.

Mom sorry Jessica. I’m sorry Colin.I’m sorry cesia, Emily. Mike and danika. I’m sorry I couldn’t sti k afound. I’m sorry uncle Paul. You deserve better. You all do. Can’t keep writing.

I’m going to pass out

[thel0nelyst0ner]

My boyfriend was assaulted by his dad. His dad said if the cops are called he will kill my partner before they get there there. I called the cops and told them, and they said they won’t help unless he calls himself.

[thel0nelyst0ner]

I don’t know how I can keep going. Having nobody to defend me; physically, emotionally and sexually.

Maybe when I drink I feel it more. When I smoke I don’t feel it at all. When I drink I feel everything. I try to forgot, but everywhere I go somebody reminds me why I’m not worthy. If my mom won’t defend me, my dad, my brother, or even my boyfriend.... maybe it is just me.... I deserve this. I brought it upon myself. I can’t anymore. I just push away the ones that are close to me. Literally physically shove them to the ground. I need to be alone. I’m a poison on other people.

[thel0nelyst0ner]

I hate that I feel this way. I hate my stupid head. Why can’t I be stronger? Why can’t I just suck it up? I know it’s normal to be sad but when I’m sad.... well let’s just say, when it rains it pours.

I know I have stuff to be sad about. But the narcissist in my life has been so good at making me believe I don’t.

My mother assaulted me, and then kicked me out over incense. My brother took her side and he made me feel worse about what happened. I called the cops and they never came to help. She keeps telling herself that I disrespected her but I didn’t. I told her how I feel. I told her my trauma. I honestly just think she hates me. What did I do to deserve this? When I talked to my therapist about it, (who’s covered under her insurance) my therapist said my moms a narcissist and she would talk to my mom on my behalf, and try to get her to be reasonable. But when my therapist talked to her, it upset my mom and she cut me off from her insurance so I can’t go to therapy.

After being kicked out, I found a great job but was laid off just before completing my first month. I haven’t been able to get an apartment because of it. They won’t let someone sign a lease unless they have a job, and are done the probation period. Which clearly I’m not. I’ve been couch surfing in the meantime. I stay with my bestfriend most of the time, and we share her bed. She’s really great like that. I would have stayed with my boyfriend but his parents won’t let me live with them, I can only visit. So it’s between the two places.

Since I’m homeless and unemployed, I’ve been trying to find another source of income. I was 7 hours short of qualifying for Employment Insurance... I also can’t collect anymore CERB (you can only collect for so many periods, and I maxed it out a while ago as I was collecting it from the start of covid, but covids lasted longer than the periods I’m eligible for). So no EI or CERB. Instead I thought I would try social assistance then. But because I got paid well at my job while I was employed, I don’t qualify for it; even though I only got paid for a month. At first they thought I did qualify so I got some money, but now they’re saying it was a mistake and I have to pay it back. So I can’t get any government assistance.

When I was working, I ended up paying out of pocket for my therapy, but now I can’t afford my therapist anymore. My money is out. I tried to save what I can for an apartment , but it hasn’t been much. I also have $333 monthly student loan payments. I’ve been trying to apply for the loan Repayment Assistance Plan, but they have been giving me a hard time because of the fact that I have no income. They asked how I’ve been surviving, saying it doesn’t make sense since I don’t have an income, and they’re questioning who’s paying for everything. I had to write a letter stating my income and how I’m getting by, and send that to the national student loan services so I can find out if I qualify for the student loan repayment assistance plan.

And now my bestfriend and her family are being evicted so I’m gonna have to find somewhere else to couch surf. I’m not sure where my bestfriend is going to go either. She might go to her boyfriends or she might get a place.

I’m beyond frustrated. I feel hopeless.

I have no job, no home, can’t afford my therapist, can’t receive any government assistance so there is no income whatsoever. And now I’m going to have to pay back the money I received by mistake from social assistance and I’m going to have to pay back my student loans which I can’t afford at the moment. And to top it off I’m going to be even more homeless than before since I won’t have anyone to stay with at the very least. I’m royally fucked. So I told my case worker for social assistance I think I’m just going to off myself because I honestly just can’t do this anymore.

I’ve asked for help from my doctor. He put me on a 6 month long wait list for free counselling. I asked for a psychological evaluation and he sent me to the same psychologist I saw about 7 years ago, and the guy wouldn’t re-evaluate me. I just want to know what’s wrong with me. I know it’s more than just depression, and I need to know for sure what it is so I know how to treat it. But he said it doesn’t matter what it is because I need to be treated for anxiety and depression regardless of the diagnosis. But I just don’t understand how that makes sense. I know there isn’t any medications for BPD, but if that is what I have, I need to know, that way I can know how to treat it in therapy.

But because of what I said to my caseworker they put me on suicide watch but it’s hard to do that when the person is homeless. The police and my caseworker have no idea where I am. I don’t know how, but they got in contact with my brother who was in contact with my narcissist mom and her narcissist boyfriend. They then thought it would be a good idea to harass me, and wouldn’t stop calling until I answered. I had no idea who it was though because it said no caller ID.

They kept saying they care and they’re worried. But they don’t really care. They just want a clear conscience. If they cared, they wouldn’t have kicked me out. They wouldn’t have cut me off from my therapist through my moms insurance. If mom cared she wouldn’t have tried to sabotage my job references on my resume. But she did that.

If any of them cared they would check in on me but they don’t. Nobody does. Not my mom, dad, brother. None of my family. The family I have contact with are some aunts, uncles and cousins.

But my parents don’t care. My parents new partners don’t care. My brother doesn’t care. My mom knew I was switching my medications when she kicked me out, and she knew that I would be emotional during that time when she attacked me over incense.

Nobody cares. I can’t get any help. I can’t get help for my mental health. I can’t find a home. I have no money. The government wants to take money from me when I’m already broke and homeless.

I don’t know if this is enough reason to be sad. My mother won’t admit her role in this. And I don’t want to blame people for my problems but... I think if I was loved, supported, and in a welcoming family/home none of this would be happening. I wouldn’t be depressed. I would be okay if my mom never kicked me out. I wouldn’t be perfect, but I wouldn’t be suicidal.

If my parents showed they loved me and my mom never kicked me out, I don’t think I’d want to die. Her kicking me out created this downward spiral. I’ve been suicidal before but not like this. Never to this point. Is it bad that I blame my mom for this? Is it justified? I just don’t know anymore. All I do know is that I want to die.

I want to die.

The only reason I’m here is because of Colin — my boyfriend, Jessica — my bestfriend, and my uncle Paul — the man that lost his son to suicide and has been like a father to me.

If it wasn’t for them I’d be long gone.

#suicide #mental health #narcissim #assault #life sucks #narcissistic parents #parents #bpd #I need help #I just want to die #homeless

[thel0nelyst0ner]

It’s been a hot minute since I posted last.

I got laid off work and at first I was enjoying my time but being broke, having no income, and being homeless really sucks.

[thel0nelyst0ner]

[thel0nelyst0ner]

[thel0nelyst0ner]

I’m still alive. Everyday is a struggle, but I think things are finally starting to look up. I’m lucky to have the few people that do really support me and care about me. Sometimes the best family are the ones you chose.

[thel0nelyst0ner]

Think I’ll just go somewhere and off myself tonight. Good thing I’ve been hoarding all my old prescriptions.

[thel0nelyst0ner]

Why having kids in this world is the most selfish thing a person can do

Bringing a kid into the world is one of the most selfish acts. YOU chose to be a parent, but they didn’t choose to be your kid. They never chose to be born. Especially if you’re not in a good place, just don’t do it. If you can’t provide food for yourself, what makes you think you’ll be able to provide for a family? If you can barely afford an apartment, what makes you think you’ll be able to provide a house or their own room? If you can’t provide what it’ll take for them to achieve in this world just don’t do it. Don’t bring a kid into this world, knowing that they’re going to constantly struggle just to survive and be happy. You’re only setting them up for failure. Parents that talk about “oh i sacrificed this” or “i couldn’t have that because you were born” are probably the most self-centred pricks. You CHOSE to bring a kid into the world, they didn’t MAKE you do anything. You did it yourself, because you wanted to play God and see what your shitty genetics will make. So do not blame your kids or make them feel bad that your life changed and you missed out on stuff because they were around. You chose to be a parent, but nobody ever chooses to be born, and they never chose to have you as parents. 

#fuck parents #fuck life #mental health #this world can suck my dick #BPD

[thel0nelyst0ner]

Its hard to accept an apology you were never given, especially if the person isn’t sorry.

It makes me sad that my mom won’t apologize for assaulting me. I told her how much that hurt me, not just physically, but emotionally when she hit me across my face. Instead of apologizing like a normal person, she tries to justify why she did it. Frankly it was unwarranted, but warranted or not, you should never lay your hands on a person in that way. The only time I think its acceptable is in defence, and this was not that. And it fucking tears me apart that my mom genuinely thinks what she did was right. 

#abuse #assault #BPD #parents #depression #mental health #narcissim #narcissistic parents

[thel0nelyst0ner]

Your trauma matters, no matter how big or how small it may seem to the outside world

Narcissistic parents love defending the trauma they bring unto others. One thing that I’ve faced growing up was my parents always belittling my feelings and trauma. They would always tell me that I had no reason to be sad because other people had it worse. If I were to ever mention how they’ve traumatized me from being emotionally and physically abusive they would say things like, “well I had it worse when I was your age,” or “you don’t know how much easier you have it than I did growing up,” and they would proceed to tell me stories about how they were hit as kids. But instead of ending the cycle of trauma, they would use their trauma to defend traumatizing me. Just because you may have had it rough doesn’t mean everyone else deserves to be abused too. The abuse they faced is a terrible thing, that NO ONE should have to endure. But I can’t change their past. It’s not their fault they were raised by abusive parents, but its not my fault either. However it is their responsibility to heal from the trauma, and when they do is when the trauma cycle will stop. 

#keep your head up #mental health #BPD #trauma #abuse #narcissim #narcissistic parents #healing

[thel0nelyst0ner]

i don’t know who needs to hear this today but i’m so proud of how far you’ve come! i’m proud of every little step you took to improve yourself. i’m proud of everything you did to make yourself feel better & putting yourself first. i’m glad you’ve made progress & i’m glad you’re still alive! i’m glad you tried & made the effort even though it is tough to do so. i’m so proud of you!

[thel0nelyst0ner]

[thel0nelyst0ner]

[thel0nelyst0ner]