thepetiteninja
Petite Ninja
I am all about music, theater and adventure. That petite little girl who is not afraid to face the world.
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Revenge Procrastination
Now at its all-time high. Can't sleep until I've spent enough me time.😢
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Welcome to 2024
Hello again!
My most recent post was from 4 years ago. And so much had happened since, so I guess it's time for another update. I'm writing this for me who will be reading this entry after a few years, maybe when I remember to dig up my old tumblr account again just because I felt like reminiscing.
So anyway, I'm turning thirty this year. That hasn't sunk yet because more than anything — I'm getting married this year too. It's still to the guy I have been writing about years before. We're turning 9 years this 2024, and are tying the knot this October. He proposed to me two years ago. On top of the Singapore Flyer, 11.11.22. Damn, what a date.
But the past few years weren't all about butterflies and happiness. These past few years were actually some of the worst ones of my life so far. I'm in debt. But fortunately on a good payment plan now that I haven't missed. I risked a really good job to pursue hosting full time — that only lasted for 3 months. Then shifted industries because I wanted to still give myself a chance. And so now I'm still hosting but for e-commerce livestreams. Got promoted twice in a year. I'm now a trainer. But I still do copywriting on the side because it makes good money. At least now I've flipped it up. Doing my passions full time then writing on the side. I'm tired though, to tell you the truth.
Mind-wise, I'm confident. I know what I can bring to the table and what I'm capable of. I don't second guess myself too much now. I still work hard and multi-task. I know my worth. I know my strengths. I learned my lessons well. I've been through difficult times and now I've gained stability. I know I'm ready to fly. In a smarter, more mature way.
Life-wise could be better. Because the wedding is right around the corner, everything I'm earning is being poured to it. So you can say I'm still living paycheck to paycheck after all the great things I take pride on. I'd like to think I've planted a lot of seeds that I'm just waiting to harvest soon. Hopefully the wedding turns out great, so I could finally enjoy the fruits of my labor completely. To be honest tonight, dinner was just a pack of pancit canton and cup noodles. It's petya de peligro and I don't know where to get tomorrow's fare to work. But I'll get by. After a day, salary's gonna come. I really hope it gets so much better soon.
So these things, y'know. It's entirely great but minutely terrifying. And every single time God proves to me that there's guidance from above. You won't believe how many conveniently unexpected blessings I've gotten over the past tumultuous years. I can't even comprehend how I've weathered through all the moments I worried about. But I'm here, sitting on my couch, safe, satiated, typing whatever comes to mind. It's these reflective, peaceful pauses that makes you realize that despite the chaos, I'm actually okay. Barely breathing but pushing on.
I'd like to think future me who would be reading this somehow, someday, would look at me and say: "just wait, it's going to be better". Because I would be saying the same thing to myself who started this blog 10+ years ago. It had gotten so much better. Crazier, but better. I wish future me would say, "babe, we're a millionaire". But more importantly would love her to say, "we still love what we do". No matter what that looks like.
So there. I think that's an ample update about how I am now. And hopefully in a few years tumblr would still be here so I'd be able to read all this again. It's a good self-therapy shit. And also I just missed writing my thoughts like this.
Ok, I'm just rambling now. Until the next update!
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2020 Life Update
It’s been years since I’ve dropped by this blog. I remembered my tumblr account just because of a work task. I dropped by to check what I’ve written here and surprisingly my last entry was from way back 2015.
How have things changed so far? Well, I’m glad to report a lot of things.
I have become a full fledged events host. I host children’s parties, music events etc. (not going to make this my resume lol)
I have also become an actual singer. I’m now part of a band signed under a label. We’ve been doing great so far. I’ve actually earned a few checks from singing. Officially a singer! 😂
I now run a small time business. I sell raw honey which is the newest of all the things I’m doing.
I remember writing something about “I wasn’t fit for marketing/advertising”. Well, eat your words old self. I’m a copywriter. That’s my day job for almost three years now.
One thing’s for sure, so many things haven’t changed too!
I still multitask. Obviously with all the things I mentioned, I still juggle everything I can to make the most of my time. I find fulfillment in accomplishing things. But I’ve also learned not to give myself too much.
I’m still with the same man I was madly in love with five years ago. I still feel the same up to now. But we have grown a lot since and our relationship has been stronger than ever.
What a report! I’m quite proud as to where I am now actually. I can’t wait to start writing out my thoughts even more to see how far the way I think has evolved. I still think a lot, I still worry a lot. But I believe I’m more mature than before. I pick myself up better now and am more confident to be honest.
Let me just write another post about the things in my head.
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Update Update Update
It’s been awhile since I visited my blog again. Glad that I finally had the time to reflect on my life and see what’s up and happening.
Well for one, I already have a job. It’s a rather fun one, where I had to deal with kids everyday while doing the things I love and at the same time get paid reasonably. I can say I was fortunate to have this job. But sometimes it’s really just exhausting. For the past few months I’ve started working, I realized and learned a lot of things already. From justifying the fact that you should be compensated for what you’ve exerted effort on, up to managing time wisely - which I had a really hard time adjusting to. Also I learned that it’s essential to keep an optimistic mindset once something goes wrong because that’s the best thing to do anyway rather than to sulk and feel hopeless about it.
Anyway, I remember that my one word theme for this year was “Independence”, which slowly I have been achieving so far. I started to pay for the things I need, I no longer ask for allowance and I am now able to give to my parents and family. However, I still haven’t moved out from the house, which I really really have to do soon, but apart from that I am proud of myself that I’m slowly fulfilling it.
Fears are something I’m having so far. I am over thinking a lot lately and I can’t help it. I’m afraid that something would ruin my gradual growth but mainly that danger is caused by myself also. I don’t know how to be sure about things, I cannot stop considering every “what if”, I don’t know if I’m still being heard but if I am, and if my prayers are still worth listening to, I would want everything to go smoothly as I have imagined it will be. For things to happen in its own time where it’s supposed to be.
Aside from all the things that’s keeping me up and about lately, I’m glad that relationship wise, I’m very happy. Glad how things are going well between us as time goes by, despite all of the challenges that are in front of us. I still love him so much, and he knows that because I tell him everyday that I do, and I genuinely feel it. I’m not bragging, but he’s someone I’d be eternally thankful for.
So that’s about it. I think the last thing to say is to just keep on going and see where life takes you. Because right now in the real world, all you can really do is toil and pray. Work for things to happen, pray to keep yourself hopeful it will be fruitful. Just believe in your dreams. Nothing is impossible, especially now.
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Speechless
I thought he wasn’t in the mood to stay late with me. We were waiting already at the jeepney stop, but I didn’t want to go home yet. I asked him if he wanted to, but he said he didn’t. I wonder what went wrong throughout the night. I just knew something was off and I had to know it. I don’t wanna go home knowing we didn’t fix what was up, so I bugged him to spill what it was. I didn’t want him to just tell me he’s fine, just so I would stop asking. I want to solve it, I had to.
Eventually he told me that we should go home already. Still not answering my questions, he buys a drink for himself, when all along I was drinking Gulp while fishing for answers from him. I got annoyed. Maybe going home will solve whatever that was. So I hailed the next jeepney, kissed him goodbye and went in. I was sort of pissed but he wanted to go home so… fine.
Until he went in as well and sat beside me. He held my hand and smiled at me, sort of laughing because he succeeded in pissing me off. I just stared at him. Smiling as well but was lost for words. I was just looking at him, not uttering a single word. I was busy realizing how lucky I am. That even if I was really annoyed, I can’t help but feel happy that he was with me. I was so cheesy in my head, but that was it. It was blissful to have this man beside me, doing things I never thought he would do. I held his hand tighter, and just smiled. Feeling thankful for having him with me on my way home that night.
Right now I’m facing something really difficult that requires my patience and that puts my optimism to the test. With him around, I feel so much better. He picks me up when I needed saving, he takes the time to listen to my drama even if there’s a lot. Even when I don’t run out of anxieties, Even when I’m always unsure of what to do, taking too long to decide on things; He stays. I am in awe of this man. How he can take this crazy ball of mess and hug her till she feels better. Thank you.
P.S. Ugh cheese.
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One More Beer
A little bit of alcohol influence can go a long way. As for me, my willingness to keep someone’s worth for himself doesn’t fade away. Being a shoulder to lean on, a friend to breathe on to is still a thing for me despite the amount of liquor inside my veins. This is where we are able to unearth one’s view on things, how we are able to know the deepest secrets of each other. Maybe that’s why people love drinking so much. This may be the reason it keeps people closer to each other.
Upon knowing the most kept things in our souls unearthed by the power of beer, we get to know one’s honest opinion on things. Although they say not to trust a drunk person for he or she doesn’t know what they’re doing, I say it’s when the person expresses himself or herself the most. This is when they tell you what they’re going through, what they’re thinking about and what they fear the most. Only when they are perfectly fine when drunk should you feel comfortable. Because anything else aside from that means there must be something wrong. It only means something is bothering them, that they are not okay. Liquor strips off the mask we put on everyday to show people we are fine. It makes us intoxicated enough to forget that we’re not supposed to be vulnerable to other people. We may not be able to like it, but it eventually shows every time. Unless you have a good control of yourself. Aside from that, it’s you projecting your most naked self.
I like listening to people. I tend to formulate solutions to the things they worry about. I empathize and try to understand what they’re going through, even if they look at me as if I couldn’t understand a thing. I say I get it when I hear their point, which I actually do. I am trying, seriously. As I collect these anxieties from each person, I wish to have the power to ease their minds. I hope once they pour everything out to me, they lose it. They forget about their problems and be able to think positively about their lives. Because if there’s one thing you want another person to have, it’s happiness. And also peace of mind.
This is why I like alcohol. Drinking sessions are where you get most comfortable with people. And if they are willing enough to show their true selves around your circle of shots and chips, you’re fortunate enough to be trusted and to see another collection of thoughts people have always kept to themselves.
Savor it and never judge.
P.S. I’m sort of tipsy yet surprisingly, I could still write. Fabulous,
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Original Pilipino Music
Yesterday I was able to sing for a number of people at an event handled by an acquaintance of mine. Some of the performers for the line-up did spoken-word, others - poetry reading and there were those like me who sang. I wasn’t prepared to be honest. I was all over the place and I only rehearsed that day. I wasn’t as notable as the other performers who were there and I felt really bad after my performance. All this time I only had my voice to showcase and stage presence. But my music wasn’t mine, I wasn’t loved for my work - No, I wasn’t really loved yesterday. But anyways, I did enjoy the company of the people, listening to the things they were fighting for; Listening to good original Pilipino music. There were two bands: The one who sang Ms. Ketchup, which was really really funny, and another acquaintance, Papapeta, who actually backed me up with my performance. They were so well and I was quite envious of how they performed and how they were able to get the people’s attention with their songs. Then it dawned on me. What I was missing all along were original songs. I have a few, but I haven’t been able to play it by myself in a performance kind of way. I believe I have to practice everyday and polish my songs more to be able to perform to where I want to. That way I’ll have something to offer. I can ask because I know I can. That was an enlightening moment.
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Bum
I laid on my bed all day today, feeling depressed and sunk. I didn’t have a job, I felt useless, I had no purpose and all, so I decided just to stay this way for the whole afternoon. I didn’t want to be like this, but everyday I feel like I’m slowly deteriorating. Every day I discover another person fulfilling the same dreams that I have, while here I am in my room, hopeless as fuck.
I remembered how I used to criticize my brother for being a bum. I was wondering why he doesn’t have a job, why he just lies in his bed all day, switching food and sleep over and over again. He looks for a job but still gets no calls. I wonder if he lacked effort or something. I just questioned why he can’t be a normal adult.
Now seeing myself at the same situation today made me understand what he was going through. I was searching jobs all day. I stop, I rant, I sleep and talk to friends asking how they’re doing, if they finally got their shit together or whether we’re going through this phase all at the same time. I have somewhere to go tomorrow but I don’t know where the hell I’m going to get the money from to at least be there. I didn’t cancel that, though I had a strong urge to stay lazy at home. I said to myself that I needed this to pick myself up and be optimistic again. To have faith in my most anticipated future. Right now, I’m no different than my brothers. I don’t have money, I can’t help at home with the bills, I’m useless and I don’t know what to do with my life. The only thing was I didn’t have kids (Oh thank the heavens). It has already been a month and I don’t want to stay this way any longer. But how?
Some solution I’ve thought of involved letting go of what I badly want to do. I guess I have to be practical. I think I have to set aside my pride a bit and get something I would least want to get into. Should I? As much as I don’t want to, I have received no calls yet from the companies I have applied to. And I badly need a job. I want to start helping my family, I want to use my youth and energy to bring something good. But how? I have all the intentions, all the free time and energy. I just need someone to take me in.
Ugh this is getting worse.
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Spill
First of all I just gotta admit one thing.
Literally. I know I should be on my way to discovering my life’s purpose, yet here I am, In the middle of nowhere, without a single clue where to start. My brain’s clouded with all the things I can and cannot do. With all the limitations and hindrances to my lifelong dreams. I feel shitty. I don’t have the same sunshine I had back in college (which was only a month ago tbh and I never thought I could lose it fast just like that). Now here I am trying to keep myself together for the next interview; for the next opportunity to actually do something with my life.
I try to be optimistic at all times. Even with these consecutive rejections I have faced (job applications, theater </3), I try to keep myself sane by saying there must be something around the corner and I’m just on my way to getting there. My mind is going to explode with all these anxieties I have and It’s not healthy for me. Nope.
What do I really wanna do? I have been asked this question a lot of times and I can’t seem to find an answer both acceptable for the person I’m talking to and myself. Though actually I know what I want to do. It’s just I’m not sure if it’s possible or if I can make it. I don’t know how to begin, I don’t know who to talk to. Well what are the things I am pertaining to?
I want to make a difference. In this generation we’re in right now, it’s not really impossible at all for a simple girl to do something worthwhile and be noticed. The internet makes it easier for all of us to send our message to the world that you want to do something good. I want to create an advocacy for people with low self esteem. Help them pick their confidence up and start to feel good about themselves. People might think it’s just a simple thing to deal with, but I’ve been there and I know it’s hard to face yourself everyday in the mirror, pin pointing everything you hate about yourself. I want people to stop saying they’re not worth something, because all they have to do is to believe they are and they can definitely make it.
Inspire. I want to spark interest in people, make them want to do things they’ve always wanted. Make them believe in what seems to be something out of the ordinary. Maybe someday I could use my interest in films and music to create something I could share to the world. My course had exposed me to these kinds of things, I just don’t know how to materialize my ideas. I just don’t know where to start.
I have all these great thoughts, all these things I want to do but I have no clue where to put my foot down. I know this isn’t hopeless. There is a way. I just have to figure things out. But right now I don’t know. Life’s just so tough for me these days.
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Going Craay
I need a job. I never thought it would be this difficult to find something that would fit me. Well there have been opportunities but they were not the ones I knew I would badly want to get myself into. I’m feeling kind of low to be honest but I wanna fight this feeling. I hope tomorrow it gets better.
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Ball of Cheese
I guess it’s fair of you to ask me when will I be posting a photo of us in social media. You know that even how badly I wanted to do that, I just couldn’t because there are rules we have to obey. But know that I am not ashamed of you and will never be. That’s why it wasn’t difficult for me to introduce you to my family and friends even if I know this is all too new for them. Cut me some slack, I’m adjusting too. I’ve always wanted to have someone like you in my life and finally you’re here.
Right now I know we haven’t been together that long, nor have we been through all the shit they say relationships go through, but I’m glad we’re taking our baby steps. From courtship, to our relationship, to meeting each others’ family, slowly knowing everything about each other - I’m proud of what we’ve become today. Who knew we would end up this way? You taught me how to appreciate myself in my worst no-make up days, how it’s fine for you if I cut all my hair off or color it rainbow. I love how you tell me not to go outside late because it’s dangerous (all my life I was fearless and there you are worrying about me), how you refuse to let me go home alone when you know it’s a long, dark journey. How you surprise me with things you worked so hard for just to give me. How you give me your time, patiently waiting till we can be together, wherever we may be. How you make me laugh after my lowest points, after we argue or when something upsets me. I appreciate everything, every single bit of the love you’ve never failed to let me feel. I hope I’m able to do the same for you too.
This makes me afraid of losing you. Because I know something more difficult awaits us. A lot of “what if’s” pop in my head, formulating scenes of how things could go wrong. I don’t want to be paranoid, so let’s not. I want to assure you that I will always be yours and you never have to doubt my feelings for you just how I’m certain I could never doubt yours. I hope our ‘I love you’s never lose their meanings, our ‘I miss you’s never make you second guess. This is real and something definitely worth keeping. I’m never going to give up on you. I’ve even let myself become this cheesy just to let you know how intense my feelings are for you, babe. This is rare and now I don’t really care. I love you.
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The pain of job hunting
After that most awaited graduation you’ve prepared for all your life, comes the hard truth that you have to get a job afterwards and it’s not gonna be as breezy as you thought it would be.
It’s been a week since graduation and I’m literally freaking out at the moment. To be honest I’m not in the right position to take a breather after four years of college because my brothers don’t have jobs and I’ve been literally starving at home for the past few days. If not for the small amount I earned from a sideline/raket last week, I wouldn’t have been able to go see my boyfriend and get out of this frustrating routine of waking up everyday realizing it’s time for me to get a job. I’ve been sending out my resume, fixed my LinkedIn profile, jumped from job site to job site, looking for openings in companies that seemed reputable and would be a good place to start from (not to mention those that offer good pay). I decided to give myself some respect and keep an expected wage in mind that would be reasonable for the work I’m going to give. But still no calls, no emails and whatsoever. It’s getting hopeless.
I thought maybe there’s something wrong with the way I listed my experiences in my resume. Maybe it wasn’t clear enough? Not enticing enough? Maybe I don’t know much to land an office job in Marketing or Advertising. You see earning a degree which tackles the broad industry of Communications has its pros and cons. One of the cons is that since what you learned were pieces of many cakes, others can offer themselves whole to industries that don’t really care if you can multitask. They know more about it, hence they get the advantage. Meanwhile I’m not even sure if that’s my place in the Comm world. I don’t really know.
Every time I apply for a position, I consider the pay, location, what tasks are to be done and most of the jobs were not really something I would get excited doing. To be honest what I would want to be in actually is quite impossible for others to imagine. Becoming a part of the music industry is a shot to the moon. Something uncertain and risky. Without money, it’s difficult to put yourself out there and produce quality music. All I have is passion, skill and what I need is something more that requires money to materialize the music in my head. So I resort back to pushing myself in where I’m supposed to be. Until I get my feet on the ground and finally be able to live by myself, maybe that’s the time I’m going to actually chase my dreams.
Somehow I’m looking for a way not to waste time. I’m finding that push to make me pursue my dreams as early as now. But I don’t know how and who to call. I wish sometime soon I’ll get to realize where I should really be and where I am heading, or If I’m really meant to find a job or a career.
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Graduation
This little missy is done with four years of topsy-turvy college. I lived. Everything I did was to make it to this day and I successfully did. Thank you Lord for awesome parents and friends who were my amazing support system. I learned a lot indeed. From my naive nene days, when I was literally clueless about how the world works though I thought I knew everything already, to this fearless woman that I am now. I changed a lot in college. I am grateful for every experience I have been through, the good and the bad, because all of that whipped me up to becoming who I am today. I’m not successful yet. My journey to achieving my dreams has just begun. But this is the first step and I’m glad I know I took it firmly. Thanks for all the memories, University of Santo Tomas. I will forever treasure everything I learned from you.
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Right or Happy: Which would you prefer?
Sometimes I question my values in life if they are still moral or have I become so open minded, I learned to understand the "wrong" things other people do. One of the questions I have is if it is right to base your actions on religion (or anything actually) and suppress yourself from doing what makes you happy just to look appropriate to other people? I admire those who are able to live their lives the way they want and are fortunately supported by their friends, family and everybody else around them. I pity rather, those who have learned to be contented with the rut they know they're in, for not even fighting to fix their lives. However, who am I to judge? Life is cruel to some of us, but I wish them liberty soon. Have I grown to be selfish? Of concerning myself only with my happiness and those who I value in my life? But aren't we all wired this way? People who advocate for the improvement of other people's lives are concerned with them and helping the needy is what actually will make them happy. We all move to gain. Some negatively, concentrating only on their personal benefits while some affect others as they work themselves to what will make them feel fulfilled. So what is right really? Is it following the rules, bending under authority, becoming "proper" and "a good example" to everyone or is it being able to do what you think is right, feeling liberated while doing the things that will make you happy?
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Just Be Yourself
I've always been someone who play along the lines. I make sure that in whatever I do or say, I won't be offending anybody or share much of my thoughts to a point that I would become vulnerable. I try to build a wall and filter the things I show to other people. Maybe that's because I am a Cancer and that's what crabs do. Hide beneath their shells until they know it's safe.
Recently I'm starting to feel comfortable with this certain somebody that I realize I've reached this point of being just myself around him. Because he said he didn't mind and that it doesn't bother him at all. Whether I'd go out with make up on or not, or if I wore fash clothes or just my old nstp shirt and shorts - he didn't care. He even asked if what color of nail polish was I getting when I told him I was having my nails done. He told me I should just be who I am, he even didn't want to change me.
Before these were the things I had to improve on. I stopped wearing nail polish because someone thought it wasn't clean to look at. I made sure I was saying the right things, wearing the right clothes (which I don't regret at all because it helped me become a better person). I always felt the need to improve, to be someone better than I am. It did me well, made me become this person today. Although I hid some things. I always felt ashamed whenever I sweat. I didn't want people touching me, even in the slightest way when I just finished my workout or if I know I'm sweating. I always felt that there were eyes around me and I have to be somebody they would appreciate. I wouldn't go out without being my best self.
Looking at it, this being cautious with everything I do isn't bad at all. But it just feels great to know that even when I'm just the plain old me, someone appreciates. That even if I have this personal goal to always be better, this someone would still want me even if I think I'm at my worst.
I'm thankful for the people in my life who love me for who I am. Those people who'd endure my tantrums and let it pass because they know I'm just that kind of person. That my voice is loud when I'm explaining something all the time and it doesn't mean I'm angry. And for understanding everything else that usually irritate other people who don't know me. I thank God for bringing these people to my life. They keep me sane and they make me feel so much better.
So here goes - we don't have to change ourselves for other people. Because there are people who will be there for us no matter what. We don't have to force ourselves to be somebody else. If someone makes you feel bad, you don't need him/her in your life. If you know you are alright, if you are contented with yourself, you will never need to please anybody else's expectation of you. But be sure you are the person who you want to be (accepting your flaws and all). It all boils down to loving who you are first and being around people who accepts you. Because if they can't accept the things you can't change about yourself, they wouldn't make it through the long haul. But there will be others who will, you just have to find them. We will never be able to please everybody, but someone will always appreciate us. Be around them.
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All things end
Life's too short. I want to achieve so many things but there's only so little time. I learned today that someone I know died. We never were friends nor acquaintances. We met him before along with other brothers and sisters from another congregation when they visited ours. The only time I talked to him was when I bought siomai from where he worked. Despite that we were Facebook friends and earlier, my timeline was flooded of condolences to his family for his death. He was young. Only in his late twenties I guess.
To be honest I am scared of death. I don't want to think about it happening nor imagine how someone very dear to me would be gone in a snap. But it scares me that it can happen very abruptly and we're not sure if today is our last day or not. Who knows what happens after?
Nothing is ever certain after all. What we know are never proven because nobody could prove it anyway. I guess we believe in different "after death things" for our own sanity. So we'd be able to calm ourselves and move on from something we know is inevitable. But I don't even wanna think about any of it. Sometimes I think of existential questions but prefer not to deal with it because it's such a powerful thing to dig deeper about. I'm afraid of what I don't know. And I don't want to spend my whole life thinking about something I could not prove. Better focus on things that will actually benefit my life. Leave those things to those who dare learn the truths about life and I'll just read what they'll discover. Be convinced by the one with the most factual arguments. But I'll always believe that there is a higher being. Someone more powerful than us that is the cause of everything we wonder about. I know that I am just a mere particle that co exists with all other particles which together are only atoms in the universe.
I'll simply focus on reality. What's in front of me, my environment, the people I'm with, basically my life. I hope I'll be able to reach my utmost potential, live a life that I know I'm proud of. Be able to give everything that I have, experience all there is about it. Until then could I face and accept the harsh truth that all things end. But not now, there's still so much to do. For the meantime, I'll exhaust all the time I have in doing the things I love.
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