theweepingminion

[theweepingminion]

the car broke down by the denny's where you used to work and therefore could never return to. i am trying to pick out the satisfying parts of my life, one-by-one, like i am 12 and in a frog dissection. everything in my life all viscera and formaldehyde. if i can sort the good things from the bad things, i will have a nice clean pile.

i call you and make it sound like i am happy and hangin' in there! when really i am kicking a rock and i am outside without a jacket and i am so in love with you it makes the little bones in my ear shake. someone called my tinnitus an angel choir. i like that it means i carry the echo of every concert.

this isn't the right setting for love. this is a roadside, and a denny's, and i am nauseous and ashamed i never escaped the town where i grew up. the clouds here are this strange yellow, like spilled sour milk. "someone once told me that the orange coating on the teeth of a beaver is due to the particularly high rate of iron in their enamel," i tell you. "the beaver is the largest rodent native to north america."

your voice is crackly on the other end. i'm going into a garage soon, i might lose you.

what i should be doing is calling the tow truck and explaining that my brother's car (that i'm borrowing) (that i broke now, i guess) needs to be lifted by another, bigger, stronger car (which is love too, i guess).

i shouldn't say so much. i should wait, and let you ask about my mom, and ask if i ever got over that cold, or how it's going at work. i should let you lead the conversation, for once, so the love doesn't leak out of me into the gravel. i open my mouth anyway. "if you had to choose between being a beaver with very few trees or being a tree around a bunch of beavers, which would it be?"

i don't know. your voice always has this warm cast to it when you talk to me, but maybe i am just imagining that - i am a poet, though, so i imagine things sort of chronically. through the static, you sound like you're laughing. are you the beaver?

i know, like, logically, not to fall in love with a girl-that-is-your-best-friend. like, who would i even call if we broke up? you're my best friend, you're the person i'd want to speak to. so what if these last few months we keep sleeping over at each other's houses, calling each other for hours, sending each other poems. so what if you keep wrapping your fingers into mine. no best friends. that is the first rule. what you are supposed to do in that situation is leave the situation.

but my car broke down, so. where exactly am i going to go? the car is a very-old chevvy and also where i almost-but-not-quite kissed you after you'd raised one shoulder and looked up at me and said i don't know, i think i'm straight, but for the right person - i'd try anything. the music had been good and it had been raining and your thick eyelashes had made me feel god crawling up my throat like a spider. and i didn't kiss you, because i am a coward.

anyway on the chevy the whole exhaust pipe fell out, and is now scraping on the ground like one silver finger stroking the back of the highway. recently we were watching netflix in my bed and you pushed my hair back from my face like you were making the slowest, most desperate prayer, and then your boyfriend called. i remember us both jumping. i couldn't look at you in the eyes for like a week after. i kept feeling the heat of your fingerprint; computer science, you'd unlocked something dark in me.

google says the closest tow (joe's pick up) is 50 minutes away and also closed permanently. so that's not great. you live in another state and i should be calling my insurance company. i should be calling anybody else. this is not helping. i need an uber. i need to get moving. instead i say: "i need three words for a poem."

yesterday i said love you, goodnight after our 2 hour call like always and then you just, like. paused. all i could hear was your breathing. and then you'd said what a pretty three-word poem. i love you too, sweet thing. the words made my tinnitus act up again, and i must have some kind of synesthesia, because the sound travelled into my mind until it became the shape wedding rings.

orange, you say. the static is now chewing through most of your words and i only catch - borrowing the chevvy -

the call dies. i have 12% battery. i never get the 3rd word, but i know you're still going to get a poem from me. actually this rest stop is kind of pretty, and so is the exhaust pipe, and so is joe's pick up, and so are the clouds. the light here is the color of a glue trap. before you worked at the denny's, we used to get milkshakes every wednesday and call it a friend date.

the sign's gone dim. the letters now spell out deny. and isn't that something.

[theweepingminion]

graves grow no green that you can use.

gwendolyn brooks

[theweepingminion]

"Forgotten room" by Esmy

#english literature #hole in my soul #academia #life quote #beautiful quote #poets corner #spilled thoughts #life #real life #my life

[theweepingminion]

I didn’t let you kill yourself, I killed you. I left the remnants of my marriage with the one you loved on your grave, but I kept the watch you gave me

[theweepingminion]

all these memories make me sick. i can feel the weight of knowledge settle in my gut.

why must i digest what everyone else got to purge?

[theweepingminion]

!!

it's hard to explain because inevitably you sound like an asshole, but some people are allowed to lose their temper, lose their mind - you're not, though.

when your friend never texts you first and misses your birthday and never makes an effort; you don't mind. you know she's struggling, and you want her to get the help that she deserves. you give her every excuse and every chance.

it shouldn't matter to you so much that people are always coming through for her. you want her to be happy, you love it for her. you love that her community rises up to the occasion. why does it bother you that when she snaps at someone, says horrible mean things - but two hours later, everyone is comforting her while she's crying. you know she's stressed. why do you kind of hate that she is welcomed back to her job, that her parents are endlessly wiring her money.

and you're - fuck, are you envious?

but when you don't text back, someone sits you down and says i know you're struggling, but you're being a bad friend. when you're too numb to show up for work, your boss just shakes his head. i'm sorry. i can't approve more time off. we have the company to protect. when you finally snap back at your family for making that shitty comment again, you're forced to apologize for being too sensitive.

god forbid you need something. people aren't used to you being the one asking. you're the giver like the book you hated; your pages all open and rumpled. you always have the answer, always have the solution. you are reliable, trustworthy. people like you don't struggle with things. you're supposed to be lifted by tragedy. you are given a maximum of 24 hours to grieve, and then you need to just behave at the party.

you can't read the giving tree without feeling like crying, and even that feels like it's too much emotion. like, nobody looks at you and assumes you're the tree; they'd name five other people before even considering you in the running. you're just there, never-asking.

your friend gets to say mean shit, that's just her personality. when you make a snide comment, you're just being petty. people laugh when your friend stands you up for another event; they say she's just like that. you were 5 minutes late to a meeting with friends and they were mad about it for the rest of the evening. your friend sets everything on fire; everyone applauds her through the ashes. you so much as light a candle: and suddenly now you're an arsonist.

you don't want your friend to suffer, though. the thing is that you just wish that the empathy and kindness your friend gets - you wish you had that option, that everyone offered you grace and money and a gentle reception.

the other day you were fighting down the bad urge; the void call, the end note. you tried-anyway. you went to the family event, tried laughing at the right moments. nodded and smiled and all of it. one of your siblings threw a fit, but she's allowed to, so everyone just rolled their eyes about it. you took 3 whole minutes to stand outside when you got overwhelmed. you literally set a timer about it.

in the morning you woke up to a text from your parents: you were a complete disgrace last night. idk what your attitude problem is, but you really need to fix it.

[theweepingminion]

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- "My related families and my lost faith" from my journey to hell.

#english literature #hole in my soul #academia #life quote #beautiful quote #poets corner #spilled thoughts #my life #life #real life #webweaving #web weaving #web weavings #siblings #big brother #stars

[theweepingminion]

Question....?

From "my journey to hell"

#english literature #academia #hole in my soul #life quote #beautiful quote #poets corner #spilled thoughts #my life #life #real life

[theweepingminion]

From "My journey to hell"

#english literature #hole in my soul #academia #life quote #beautiful quote #words words words #classic literature #webweaving

[theweepingminion]

Can i send it, mother?

[theweepingminion]

i know it is a part of life to feel bad things sometimes - but i wonder about that. about how deeply i tend to absorb things. i've seen other people shake off what i have spent months in bed crying over. i have trouble balancing a schedule that other people would consider to be easy - and for me is barely-manageable.

i keep thinking that i want to trap the bad things into a locket. to stop them from skulking out into the air. i am so sick of carrying around a wince with me. i want to be able to breathe deeply. what is it about me - what makes it hard, to be living?

i think i was born too tender. i never figured out how to harden my chitin. i think i born for a different planet. i haven't figured out how to slide along this one. tp let it slide off of me, gentle and soft-tongued.

[theweepingminion]

"I drank in silence, not bothering to hide the taciturnity and gloominess which were my true nature."

God i want to experience this, i have never been able to express my true self without people telling me how "sad" looking i am. At times yes i am sad, but is it so hard for you not to judge? This is just how i am, how i look and how i behave. What else can you expect to an introvert? People wouldn't believe me if i tell them that im actually an introvert because i always act cheerful and energetic when im around them. But its mostly because im just tired of those same comments. Yes i do act energetic sometimes but thats only because my social battery is full, thats why when i feel tired i make sure to escape the conversation as quick as possible so i could rest.

[theweepingminion]

Forgive me but I've decided to try to remain hopeful even if it means deluding myself

[theweepingminion]

there's an end to the loneliness, right? it ends, eventually? and i'll be finally whole inside?

[theweepingminion]

"All art is beautiful except the one I make"

My mind says to me

#english literature #academia #hole in my soul #life quote #art

[theweepingminion]

Today, I decided to make peace with my past. I know it won't last long, I know I'll wake up tomorrow hating on my life and tormented by the pains and mistakes I've made in the past. It's been 3 years and I'm not getting any closer to healing or moving on or at least going forward. I've been falling behind for 3 years long and at some point I thought that maybe what happened was a flex and I lost my difference and wasted my potential if I had any. I passed all the stages of grief that the next day my world went to hell, I moved on and actually thought it was for the best. The 2nd day I felt different in my own body that I dreaded waking up in the morning cause it felt different, I went out and talked to people about it, it made no difference. The 3rd day I woke up with hope that it didn't happen and it was such a bad dream and it was the end of it, only I woke up to the beginning. After a week I decided I'll change where I am and moved out to leave these memories behind, only to find that I packed them with me. After month I found a brand new start, one that triggered me to live a better life, I found a great escape and it helped. 3 months after my world went to hell I dreaded the way my friends talked about how their world collapsed, I made fun of them and wondered how they haven't moved on yet. I thanked god (even though I still blamed him for what happened) that I settled. I kept on living day by day like nothing happened believing that it was never what I wanted and I was happy then ,still blaming god, but forgot what I blamed him for. A year after I lost my life, I felt sad all of the sudden and stated it was because my life fell apart and I have to accept it while blaming god because I have no hand in this. On the first anniversary I remembered everything that happened and didn't feel pain and thought that it wasn't that bad after all. 2 years after losing myself I realized it was all an act and I was never over it. On the second anniversary I forget the date and lived through the day forgetting what happened back 2 years ago. 3 years after I went down the rabbit hole, I stayed there. 3 years after I went down the rabbit hole, I'm still here. 3 years later and those sad friends I used to pity are happier than I'll ever be and I'm the one who needs pity at the moment. 3 years later I made peace with god, I'm blaming myself for ruining myself. 3 years later I can't sleep at night without replaying the memories of the blackest day in my life, I cry myself to sleep everyday and I wake up in the morning with determination to forget and move on and at night repeat the cycle again. Today I decided I'm going forward without looking back and I'm wondering if this'll ever happen. That maybe the sadness is what was keeping me going those past 3 years. Today I decided to restore my potential and I'm a bit taken back by deciding this at night, wondering if I'll wake up tomorrow with my pillow wet and the only difference I'll make by this decision is exchanging my night with my day. Today I decided I'll bury it , by it I mean something I almost died reaching but never did. I miss you with everything in me. I miss the me I would've been if I reached out and grabbed you. It would've been different and better I know, at least better than what it is now, and I refuse to believe otherwise. Today I'll bury my long lost dream, I hope that someday, maybe someday I'll meet you, but if not I loved you and dreamed of you for the first 15 years of my life. I hope you know you were the best dream of them all and I would've been happy if we were meant to be. I'll have to dream another dream so I'm sorry for you and my heart who's been carrying all this pain. I'll make it out without you. I'll try to be happy. Wish me luck.

In the memory of losing you

Saturday, 13rd of july, 2019 at 10:03 PM ♥️

[theweepingminion]

please remember!