to-be-a-daintyballerina

[to-be-a-daintyballerina]

Story time that no one cares about

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING FOR SELF HARM. IF U SEE THIS, YOU PROBABLY SHOULDNT READ IT, ITS JUST A VENT. 

This is about when I told my parents about how I self harmed.

Some backstory: I started the summer before 6th grade, so 11 years old. honestly I had some unresolved childhood trauma, that mixed with my tumblr addiction led to my inevitably beginning to self harm. It took a while before I actually broke skin because I was using a pink hair clip. Around the time I told them my grandpa was deathly ill in the hospital, machines keeping him alive. 

Ok so I don't remember the exact date but it was maybe a month to two before November of that year, I think 2014?. I was in the bathroom and I had cut more than ever before and I no longer trusted myself, I thought I was about to kill myself, I really really wanted to, also I didn't want to go to school the next day because of how emotionally drained I was.  I texted my mom(she was at the hospital with my grandpa), “I have something to tell you when you get home.” it was like 9 pm on a school night. She replied ok. I waited an hour before asking when shed be home and she just told me to go to bed. I couldn't, I knew I had to tell her. I told her no, that I would wait. 

she called me, I was not prepared for her to force me to tell her what I needed. I said “ mom, I self harm” “how” “I cut” she then said shed be home. I cried in the bathroom and then watched tv with my cousin. I don't remember her getting home or telling me to go in my room but she did. because there I was begging her not to wake my dad up and tell him, but she did. He looked so angry with me, she looked disappointed. They made me show them what I did to myself. she asked why, I said “ I hate everything about myself” I was 11. my mom said I was beautiful and that I could dye my hair if it would make me feel better, they never let me dye it. they took my phone, made me stay in my room, and went through everything. I had put rehab places for self harm in my notes hoping they'd see it, I put pictures of depressing quotes in my camera roll, all I wanted was for them to see how bad I was hurting and help me.

I woke up the next day, my mom telling me to go to school, I said I didnt want ti go and she yelled at me, “you dont want people to see what you do to yourself?” I just said no. I just remember being so defeated and exhausted. the only people I thought I could rely on to help me, weren't planning on helping at all. I got my phone back and we( me my mom and my grandma) went to breakfast, they pretended it never happened. 

I was able to keep myself clean long enough for all my cuts to heal, then I crashed, not too bad, just enough to hide under my slap bracelet. But, one day I was in the kitchen, I reached for something in front of my mom, who was cutting veggies, and she saw a cut peak out. She grabbed my arm, put the knife to it and said, “ it this what you want, you want me to cut you” I havent told them anything about how I feel since then, I think I hate them. they aren't bad people, I promise they love and care for me. my mom was going through a lot, her dad was dying in front of her. I don't blame her for not getting me immediate help. she did tell me to tell the school consoler I was already going to that I self harm, I never did, it wasn't his business, also he sucked at his job, never made me feel better, just worse. I do, however, blame her for never checking in on me all of this time because nothing has gotten better, only worse. 

I've asked to go to therapy twice. once my sophomore year and once a couple months ago, its so hard for me to ask, let alone continue to remind ti her help me. I shouldn't even need to keep asking. I know I'm the least favorite child, but they know I'm their only chance at not getting put in a home. 

[to-be-a-daintyballerina]

and after the razor separates from my skin, i feel better.

yet guilty.

-𝚊𝚝𝚖❦

[to-be-a-daintyballerina]

I fight everyday to not relapse and self harm again but its getting harder and harder. now ill just be laying in bed and its all I can think about. I haven't been like consistently cutting since 8th grade and Ill be in 12th next year. The last isolated event was a couple weeks ago and I want nothing more than to do it again. I seriously love it, I don't see a problem with doing it besides the fact that others will see and it'll make them uncomfortable. someone give me motivation to not do it 

#self harrrn #self harm #depression

[to-be-a-daintyballerina]

I would probably be 10 pounds skinnier if I never smoked weed 

#ana #weed

[to-be-a-daintyballerina]

PSA

if you post “fatspo” , especially without permission, you are so fucked up and no mental illness could excuse that, DO NOT bring outside people into your own mess.

#psa #fatspo #ana #anamia

[to-be-a-daintyballerina]

sitting here listening to sad TOP songs :-) any recommendations?

[to-be-a-daintyballerina]

Im back

I went away for a week because last Friday I had all four of my wisdom teeth yanked the fuck outta my skull. I was excited because I knew I wouldn't be able to eat much but sadly it didn't turn out that way for me. They gave me hydro codon, my little drug addict prone brain was excited. I only ate jello and those pills made me throw up so much, so I had to start actually eating and I have eaten so much more than usual. I actually ate three meals a day with snacks this whole week. A part of me thought I was actually recovering, but I was still taking lax everyday. I didn't gain, but I look more chubby. But, I have no more pills to take so I am officially back on my bullshit 

#ana #anamia #I'm open minded so literally about anything #message me

[to-be-a-daintyballerina]

mini challenge

ok I'm about to go weigh myself and if I am 121 (or less hopefully) then I can have dinner. All I've had today was water and, sadly, not even that much

Ill update In this same post :-)

Ok I just checked, 121.6 lbs. I hate it here. idk if that warrants eating tbh I shoulda been more specific with my rules lmao, ill eat but only a small portion. lets hope I have some self control. love y'all 

#anamia #ana #not pro #stay safe

[to-be-a-daintyballerina]

lax

ahhh yes, the abuse of laxatives 

#ana #anamia #anorexx #anorekcia #skinny

[to-be-a-daintyballerina]

body check: 07/07/20

I am disgusted to say the least 

#ana #anemia #bodycheck #notpro #message me if u needa talk #I'm open minded so literally about anything

[to-be-a-daintyballerina]

[to-be-a-daintyballerina]

drunk n sad

someone message meeeeeeee

#ana #depression #self harrrn #not pro anything #message me

[to-be-a-daintyballerina]

I'm scared of myself

[to-be-a-daintyballerina]

@levi320

[to-be-a-daintyballerina]

[to-be-a-daintyballerina]

REBLOG IF YOU DON’T MIND WRITERS TAKING TIME OFF FOR THEIR MENTAL HEALTH

[to-be-a-daintyballerina]