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sp00kysk3lly · 7 days

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My family RUINED my life!

Child Abuse & Childhood Sexual Abuse is connected/associated with Physical Health later on in life!

Sexual abuse was the beginning of it! If I hadn't been sexually abused, my other family members, primarily my parents, would not have viewed me differently.

My extended family is unaware of the sexual abuse; they just perceive me as a burden and a nuisance in their lives.

They openly blamed me for being bullied because I was "different" and didn't do what the other kids did. I loved reading, I was above average in English, and I preferred being alone to interacting with those around me. Despite the fact that these things are related with autism, they failed to notice nor did anybody else.

My family has been abusing me for years. They still do it.

My parents neglected me. I was viewed as the "good kid" whom "no one has to worry about". My "mum" was depressed and using antidepressants, and my "dad" was frequently on the internet, interacting with various women. My "brother" (No. 1) was not at the family home and didn't want to know me for no reason. "Brother" No. 2 was often in trouble with the police. Every week, police cars parked outside the house, and his mugshot appeared in the local paper (which intensified the bullying for me).

My routine at the age of nine was as follows: (Come home from school after being bullied by students and teachers all day, "mum" yelling at me for getting in trouble at school again, go upstairs, get punched by brother (the sexual abuser), go into my room, cry until dinner was done, hide the fact I was crying, go outside and wait for my mum to finish her cigarette, then pick up the end of it once she chucks it, and burn my arm).

It became beyond awful that I created lies about "my family" at school. Telling everyone in my class that I was in care and that the family I lived with were not my biological family, but rather my foster family. I would make up lie after lie, and everyone believed me, including some students at school who approached me and asked what it was like to be in care.

I learned I had been SA'd in Year Six, when I was 10/11 years old (3/4 years later), during a Sex Ed lesson. When I realised what had happened, flashbacks happened, and I kept seeing what had happened to me. I raced to the toilet and vomited everywhere. I told teachers I had an upset stomach; I had no clue what I was supposed to say or how to say it.

I immediately replayed everything. Everything that happened at that time (the SA). My mum hit me first. She didn't hit my sexual abuser; she hit me! She has stated in the past that she "had him on the floor," but I do not recall her doing so. I did not hear any shouting, banging, or hitting.

Since then, I've discovered their treatment of me has worsened. I was more overlooked. I was frequently neglected.

***

As I grew older, I realised who I was (at that point, I thought I only liked girls and thought I was gay). I dressed masculinely, wanted short hair, and detested looking in the mirror. This made matters worse. I believe (my opinion) that my mum only wanted me because I was a girl. But as soon as I began dressing masculinely and wanting boys’ things (remember, this was a time where boys and girls couldn’t like the same things, i.e. gaming consoles, cars, monster trucks, football, dinosaurs).

When I started doing that, she neglected me even more. In her eyes, she gave birth to a female, so she wants a girl.

From the ages of 11 to 15 I frequented chat rooms. Was groomed by older men who purported to be young people of a similar age. I understand now that I was groomed, but at the time, all I wanted was friends. I had no friends and no one liked me in real life. I had no family because they treated me cruelly, and my brother (sexual abuser) was in and out of trouble with the police; every week, we had a police car outside our house. So when I was in these chatrooms, I was talking to other people. And, yes, they took advantage. But I had no conception of what they were doing. They were merely friends to me.

When I was 19, I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. I had no idea at the time that chronic illnesses were sometimes associated with childhood sexual abuse. One minute I was looking for a job, eager to start my life, and the next I was lying in a hospital bed with tubes everywhere, being told I had an incurable, but treatable condition.

Then everything else followed. I was diagnosed with a severe gastrointestinal disease, diabetic retinopathy, chronic pain, and cataracts. Then I started abusing alcohol. I know I do it. I am well aware of what is transpiring.

I have PTSD and pure OCD. I have intrusive thoughts and urges to hurt individuals, especially those who have hurt me and, on a few occasions those I care passionately about. That's why I drink.

I drink to stop my thoughts, urges, and obsession with a specific person. I drink to help me sleep, because if I didn't, my thoughts would consume me.

So, MY FAMILY, RUINED MY LIFE.

The Sexual Abuse made me CHRONICALLY SICK. The Child Abuse made me be groomed by OLD MEN in CHATROOMS. The Trauma of ALL OF THAT, pushed me to start DRINKING!

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sp00kysk3lly · 7 days

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All the lawyers are defenseless All the doctors are disease And the preachers' are the sinners And police just take the grease

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sp00kysk3lly · 11 days

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After April 18 (Thursday) I will be going low contact to my "best friend".

I don't want to speak to somebody who gladly laughs in front of my mum because they couldn't believe I had an above average IQ, and then continues to make fun of me for the rest of the day, ruining my day out so much that on the way home, I cried in the train toilet, and then hurt myself that night. I don't want to speak to somebody who gladly tells me that my "attention span is the size of a flea." And repeats it constantly to me. I don't want to speak to somebody who says they are my best friend, but constantly puts me down, makes me upset and depressed and makes me feel so bad that I hurt myself.

I don’t want to speak to somebody who constantly made fun of how I said certain words, due to a speech issue when I was younger.

A best friend doesn't do that to their best friend.

Meaning of a best friend:

Someone you can trust with your life who has seen the best and worst of you and will be there whenever you need someone to talk to. There is a balance in the relationship between give and take. You feel so in sync with them that you can comfortably share your innermost feelings and thoughts.

Why I have made some words/sentences bold:

Because this “best friend” isn’t someone I can trust. Not anymore anyway. Not after laughing in my face and in front of my own mum about my IQ. Not after telling me constantly that my “attention span was the size of a flea.” And then making fun of how I said things. (Yeah, best friends insult each other. But that was going overboard, especially considering they knew I had speech problems when I was younger and I was and still am very self conscious about it today).

This “best friend” isn’t someone who will be there when I need someone to talk to. Because if they were, they wouldn’t speak to me once a week. They wouldn’t make a single message a weekly event and they DEFINITELY wouldn’t just talk to me more often, because of the fact they are coming round my house for a visit that only happens on a rare occasion now. A best friend is someone who you spend time with, we don’t. Not anymore.

They use to sleep round most times they visited. That stopped. Funnily enough, right around the time my bowel condition was getting worse. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

And I know for a fact because this person, has told me myself that they plan to stay over at multiple friends house? So why is their house, good enough? But not mine? Why? Because I have a commode in my room, which I wouldn’t even use while you were there! And funnily enough, seemed to go more off me, when I mentioned that I was going to try and get a colostomy bag, and tried to stop me from going and talking about it to my gastroenterologist and GP.

So what? A friend with a literal bag of shit not worth being friends with?

Give and take? To me it always seems they take, take, take. All the time. It was all fine when we were friends as we were younger, (surprisingly, when I wasn’t sick).

But as soon as I got sick, (after diabetes) that’s when it was take take take, not just by them, by all the people who I will be going low contact with after that date.

And comfortably share my thoughts and feelings? No chance. How can I trust someone who made fun of me, made me feel so low that I hurt myself, and made me cry and feel like shit, with my innermost thoughts and feelings? I barely trust a therapist, but least they know not to make someone feel bad about the stuff they can’t help.

Reason I don’t show interest and you assume it’s my flea sized attention span? BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT SAYING ANYTHING THAT INTERESTS ME! I may be good at faking things, but when you’re boring, you’re boring. It’s not that I lose attention, it’s because you don’t speak about anything interesting. I tried to show interest, I really did. But it bored me when you kept going on about people calling you homophobic and racist, and transphobic when you REALLY FUCKING ARE! And you know 100% I am trans myself! So why say it? Why even remotely say that stuff? (No wonder you didn’t stick up for me when you’re 16 YO girlfriend, called me a “tranny”, now I know why).

I don’t want to hear it. It’s boring. You are a racist. You are homophobic. And you are transphobic. I don’t want to hear how much you love and support Trump. Or Nigel Farage. I couldn’t care less.

So, no. It’s not because my attention span is flea sized, it’s because you speak about the same bullshit all the time. I’m done hearing it.

And I’ve already stated to you, that the IQ test, was a proper one. Done in school when we were learning about that stuff. But you didn’t go to school, did you? No, because you’re a weak pathetic person who got bullied for one day and gave up, while the rest of us had to endure bullying and beatings, (and not just at school either). Another thing I wouldn’t share with you is how abusive my childhood actually was, because I’m sure you’d tell me that it isn’t true and think that child abuse just consists of starving children and not clothing children.

So, proves my point. Can’t tell you anything because I don’t trust you. Can’t tell you how I feel because you’ll lie, like everyone else does.

I’m done. Low contact is only the start. Because if I don’t notice anything different happening, I may just have to call it a day on the friendship and end it for good. I’m sick and tired of putting in all the effort, when why should I? Why should I put all my energy into a friendhip that clearly isn’t just one sided!

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sp00kysk3lly · 14 days

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I Am Ugly!

I know it’s TRUE! And I can’t fix it with exercise, or supplements.

There’s one way I won’t be ugly anymore, and no one wants to help me.

The dentist isn’t there when I’m in tears because I can’t look at myself. I can’t take a single photo of myself.

I’m 26, and my teeth loss WASN’T MY FAULT!

They don’t see when I am stressing out in public, worried someone would say something, or someone will laugh at me.

I can’t fix my UGLY and IT’S NOT FAIR!

There’s no where to go. The only way I can take photos, is if I spend 10-20 minutes making it look like I have teeth.

I told the dentist I was willing to pay for it, he told me he’d get someone to ring me about getting the implants and that, they still haven’t contacted me.

I know that teeth won’t help me find love, or find people that like me. Because at this point in time, I am starting to believe I’m unloveable. And mostly because of one severe condition I have, that puts people off too.

You might think no one notices, or no one cares. And you’d be right. But I have had people say stuff. I’ve had people that I thought LOVED ME, say something right to my face. And I know they’ve told their friends, who I have also heard saying things hoping I didn’t hear them.

I’m sick of crying my eyes out and eventually hurting myself because of my looks.

And I know “looks don’t matter” but they very obviously clearly do matter. Because why else would I always be rejected? Why would people just reject me? Why would people not match with me on dating apps? It clearly does matter what you look like. And the people who actually say “looks don’t matter” are always good looking, are always attractive and pretty. And especially have teeth.

#mental health #mental health awareness #all alone #no one wants me #fake friends #no one likes me #blog #fake people #ugly #im fat and ugly #disgusting #I hate myself #I hate everything about myself #no one ever wants me #no one will ever want me #I was meant to be alone #I was always meant to be alone #don't want to be here anymore #can't carry this anymore

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sp00kysk3lly · 15 days

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I've lost ALL RESPECT for doctors and them as a profession!

I've lost ALL respect for people who work for the SCUMMY NHS as a a whole!

My complaint result came through, and it's just FULL OF LIES! Every sentence, every paragraph is just lie after lie after lie!

Are you all that scared of losing your jobs, that you'd lie to protect your own backs? And not care about the psychological and emotional stress it causes me?

Why do you not care about this?? YOU ARE A DOCTOR! YOU ARE SUPPOSE TO HELP PEOPLE WITH THEIR MENTAL WELLBEING, NOT BE THE FUCKING CAUSE OF THEIR EMOTIONAL DISTRESS!

You've fucked up! You have gone too far. You COULD HAVE just told the truth! Just took responsibility! You could have just said "Yeah, I did this and I apologise and realise how it looks, but I take accountability, I am sorry for what this caused you." How hard is that to do?

It proves my point, that the NHS is full of MANIPULATIVE, LYING CUNTS they really are!

This is EXACTLY why, murderers within the NHS (Harold Shipman, Beverley Allitt), think they can get away with murdering their patients! And I 100% believe that Lucy Letby is telling the truth, that she didn't murder anyone. I may be wrong, I may 100% be wrong, she may have killed those babies in her care, but I believe some doctors use nurses as scapegoats, so they can continue what they are doing (after a calling off period, obviously).

They just lie, to save their own fucking backs! From now on, I am going to be looking into private healthcare, I can't use the NHS anymore.

They have made me look like a LIAR! They have made me look like I am STUPID!

I AM NOT A LIAR! I AM NOT FUCKING STUPID!

I was there when they did this SHIT! I WAS THERE WHEN THE DOCTOR SAT ON MY FUCKING BED AND TOLD ME I WAS GOING TO DIE! I WAS THERE WHEN MY GASTRO DOCTOR LOOKED UP MY CONDITION ON GOOGLE, I WAS THERE WHEN HE ALSO TOLD ME I DIDNT HAVE DIABETES!

And not only me! My own mum! Yes she might have been and still is abusive, but she WAS THERE! She witnessed everything. Apart from the hospital bed and the doctor sitting on it, that was all me.

But all the doctor said, was that, he came in my room at 00:33 and “told me the risks” which he didn’t!

He sat on my fucking bed and I woke up at midnight! It was nearly 00:40 when he left! I woke up at MIDNIGHT to him on my bed, then he proceeded to tell me that I would die if I didn’t have the fucking catheter back in. I told him to FUCK OFF and rightly so! Why wouldn’t I react that way? If that doctor had looked at my medical record or even tried to, he would see about my sexual abuse! When I was 7.

Of course I have issues with men! I never had denied that. I have issues with men, and especially male doctors. And I DO NOT deny any of that. It may be a wrong. And judgemental. But HE sat on my bed? What was I suppose to do? React as a normal thinking person? It was midnight.

The only thing I did to that man, was tell him to fuck off because I did not want him on my bed! I was having flashbacks in that moment of my brother sexually abusing me and yes I reacted irrationally, but again it was midnight, I had only just got to sleep due to nurses checking my blood sugars every hour. They let me sleep for a while before they checked again (which I was thankful for and those nurses, I could not fault them whatsoever)!

But that man, lied? Why? Why did he lie? Did he try to do something? Did he think about something and thought not to bother? Why? Why would you lie? You admitted you came into my room at midnight

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sp00kysk3lly · 15 days

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Lately I feel so alone. Don’t even know why I have a phone.

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sp00kysk3lly · 16 days

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No one wants me around. They think I have no idea, but I do. I see it when they look at me. I see it when they talk to me. They look at me differently, they talk to me differently.

I have no one. No support, no friends, no family. I just wanted to be happy, have friends, have a normal family. But none of that will ever happen for me. I am going to be alone for the rest of my life because for some reason, I was born into this world hated. I guess i'll be going out of this world hated.

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sp00kysk3lly · 17 days

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I have no friends. None that care enough, anyway.

The one last friend I thought I had, left me on “read” last night. I don’t know why. I don’t know what I did wrong. He knew I was depressed. So he knew I was in such a low mood and still done that shit. And yes, he does know that I hate it and know I will ultimately cut contact with him over it.

(Before people moan, read past posts, you’ll understand).

Then yesterday, I got sent a message of “how you doing”, which is fair enough, except it’s the “friend”/acquaintance.

This friend doesn’t speak properly, misspells simple words and also tries to brag to me. (Image below).

How do I respond to that? How do I respond to you getting things for a house you’re clearly getting?

Even though last year, you were asking me for money? Even though last year you were telling me your “boyfriend” doesn’t love you enough and cheating on you? Ok then you do it. See how it ends. Your boyfriend likes you for the s*x. Not anything else.

But you continue to try and brag to me? Knowing I am chronically sick? Knowing I am still living with my abusive mum, in the bed I was sexually abused on as a child? Knowing I will be stuck like this for the rest of my life?

So, how should I respond to you when you’re clearly bragging?

You’re an acquaintance for a reason, and this is why!

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sp00kysk3lly · 20 days

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I don’t deserve love, affection, and support.

If I did, my parents would have given me that…

I’m sorry I was never good enough…

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sp00kysk3lly · 22 days

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Real Friends Don’t Exist. Not In My Reality, anyway.

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sp00kysk3lly · 28 days

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(Written 29 February 2024) [J stopped speaking to me on 22nd February for no apparent reason].

I thought we were friends! Twins, you said! Now it’s been a week, nearly.

A week! Why? What did I do to you? You left and never even told me fucking why? You know what happened to me! You know what those girls did to me!

(As of today, 30 March 2024)

He hasn’t been in touch.. not a single message. Then I find out he blocked me on TikTok, Reddit (where we met). And possibly also my phone number (as I did try to message him to at least an explanation but it didn’t deliver).

I want to ask why? Why pretend to be my friend? Why send me a “gift” if you knew you were going to stop talking and block me on everything? Why not just tell me you didn’t want to be friends anymore? Why did you copy those last two people who did the exact same thing you have done?

———-

I’ve pretty much lost 5 “new friends” in basically 2 years.

The first 2 happened in 2022. 1 in June/July time, and the other in November.

Then another 2 happened in 2023, first one in May/June time, the second in August/September.

Then there’s this one, 2024. Barely knew me for 3 months. Mostly only 2. Met on Reddit, after I asked for new friends on a subreddit. He messaged me first. I asked him if he wanted to speak on WhatsApp. I did not force him, if he wanted to stay on Reddit, then he should have said? I would have been ok with it even if the messenger on there is slow.

We spoke from January to middle of February. He sent me a gift? It was just some stickers and badges of my favourite things (true crime/horror jokes/cats), which I never asked for? I was appreciative, but I never asked for anything other than friendship!

He barely spoke to me before when he stopped completely. So, I guess I should have known what was coming next, but I was blinded by the fact that I had this new friend, who has the same interests as me, seemed to like me.

And I hate myself for that. For being that weak, when I knew this was going to happen.

So what do I do? Do I go on WhatsApp and message the message I was going to send and if he’s blocked my number, then move on? Or do I just move on now? Forget about it? I just want to know what I did wrong? Or if I did something to offend him? Even though I know I didn’t.

I know it will no doubt end up with me being hurt and angry again, but I’m sure I can handle it.

These are some of the reasons I can think of that may have caused this to happen: (Not Definitive)

I spoke about my mental health and chronic health a lot? (I can admit that I do go on about it sometimes. But he asked me about them! I told him if he was annoyed and wanted to speak about something else, then to tell me to shut up and I would, because I can understand and recognise when I keep repeating things.

I spoke about my abusive family? The only reason I never asked him about his life, is because he didn’t seem to want to speak about it! I asked certain things and would either get a change of subject conversation, or some blank mention of his family. If he wanted to speak about them, I’d have been happy too. But he never let on he wanted to speak about him or his life (I guess writing this, I can see that as a Red Flag now).

He is just a disgustingly cruel person who wanted to cause me more pain than has already happened to me with the last people in my life who done this exact thing.

I don’t know what to do anymore!

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sp00kysk3lly · 1 month

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#quotes #life quotes #relationship quotes #love quotes #thepersonalquotes #words #literature #poetry #extremely lonely #zero friends #no support

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sp00kysk3lly · 1 month

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I’m really starting to hate every single person in this world.

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sp00kysk3lly · 1 month

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I wish I was born in the right body. Not just because i am a boy inside. But because if i had been, i would have been diagnosed with autism as a young child, and I wouldn’t have been raped at 7 by my brother.

Sometimes I think about that. That not only id be who I truly am, but I wouldn’t have these chronic conditions and sight impaired because sexual abuse is connected to your health.

And I wouldn’t have ZERO friends. Or be a child being told “I can’t be friends with you anymore because my mum said you’re too bad to hang around with.” Or being told by teachers that you’re constantly bad or “always misbehaving”. In and out of the parent’s evenings. When all along it was fucking autism.

And now I have to watch it happen to someone I’m close too. All the things I didn’t fucking have. The support. The help. And I’d have too hear about it when his mum brings him round or drops him round. And honestly, I know it sounds bad but I might just have to avoid him and his mum. Because I don’t want to get angry or upset in front of anyone.

It was right IN FRONT OF their faces! right there! And not one person helped. And when the therapists I saw bought it up to my former GP she did NOTHING! She ignored every fucking word! I wish everyday that I knew that back then, and I wish that when I did find out I’d wrap my hands around her scrawny fucking neck! And I wouldn’t have stopped. I’d have kept going right up until she passed out.

I was set up to fail. I was born to fail. That’s the truth. No one wanted me to be successful, not doctors. Not family. Not friends. Not therapists. And not even GOD (if he even exists).

I was born with a fucking deformity for fuck sake! A fucking visible one at that. Tell me now, that I wasn’t born to be successful? Tell me now, that I wasn’t born to be bullied, to be hated by everyone?

Maybe I should have just ended my life at 9 years old instead of just self harming. Because I just can’t cope anymore, the failings. They are getting to become a daily occurrence now and more proof that I should have just died or not been born. It would be better for me. And better for everyone else to know I never existed.

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sp00kysk3lly · 2 months

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Not one person fought for me in my life.

Not my teachers (primary and secondary), not my doctors (former and current), therapists.

Neither of them have fought for me to receive the best care, treatment, help that I SEVERELY needed.

There was one therapist, one person, who contacted my doctor, and said “I think this child has autism and an assessment should be made.” What my doctor did? Ignored it. Didn’t even respond. So one person KNEW I had autism and wanted me to have a referral, but GAVE UP trying once my doctor ignored her!!!

I always find myself, fighting for people in my life. Especially my friends. But they never do the same for me. If I messaged them and told them I was done and that I’m going to end it. They wouldn’t even respond. They wouldn’t say “no! Don’t do that, don’t even dare do that. I’m here. If you need to call me, or video call me, then please do it but don’t do anything so severe.” They’d just ignore it or read it and never respond.

They wouldn’t tell me they miss me. They wouldn’t tell me that they love me and that they will fight for me to stay on this planet. But no. I get nothing like that. Not a single thing.

I’ve seen it when I post things on instagram, (they’re not attention seeking. But I guess they sort of are because I just want my friends to reach out to me and ask me what is wrong). But when I post them no one is in a hurry to message me. No one is commenting telling me to message them.

Like recently I gave my so-called “best friend” a piece of his own medicine and read his message and never responded for a week. He then messaged me Sunday night and just spoke about when he could come here and see me.

No “how are you”?” No “are you ok?” No “I saw you read my message and didn’t respond, is everything ok?” Nothing. Just dates to when he could come here.

I don’t even want him here. But I have no choice. I can’t confront people. I can’t do that. It’s not in my personality to do that. I wish I could though. I wish I could tell him and everyone else in my life who pretends to care.

I wish I could tell them that you’re a shitty friend. I don’t want you round my house because all you want to do is play on my new PlayStation to see if it’s worth it. And when you do get a PlayStation, you will ONCE AGAIN not want to play a game with me.

This friend use to play GTA 4 and GTA 5 with me. Then he just stopped for no reason. I asked him to play and he just was like “I can’t be bothered tonight.” And this friend use to sleep round my house every time he stayed here, now he doesn’t? But he can go around his other friends and sleep there. Why not my house? Why don’t you want to anymore? It makes NO SENSE!

But yeah, no one has fought for me. The signs/traits of autism were right there! Right in front of their fucking faces! And now, 21 YEARS LATER I have to watch my own nephew get the help and fucking support that I should have got. And it makes me angry. It makes me want to murder those people who failed me and set me up to fail and never fought for me.

I was called fucking ODD by my DOCTOR! My own fucking GP called me ODD from when I was a toddler to when she retired in 2016! What fucking doctor does that? I am AUTISTIC! Not odd or weird or a freak.

And I’ve looked up the definition and the synonyms of ODD, there’s nothing good. There’s not one fucking word that is associated and used as a replacement word that is positive or good!

I think I might end it. I really do. I don’t want to be here anymore. Everyone and everything is getting worse. Worse and worse. It’s never going to get better for me. So why am I waiting around for that “better time”? It’s not worth it. It won’t get better. It will only get worse.

I’m done….

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sp00kysk3lly · 2 months

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I was born to fail.

I could have had support throughout my childhood, if CERTAIN people had seen my autism, or CERTAIN GP’s listened to my therapists and the nursery workers who sent her proof of my autism!

I probably would have stayed in ONE school, got my GCSE’s because I’d have had the SUPPORT to cope with my BULLYING, I’d have had the support I needed to move on from that.

I might have even had a job.

But I was always set up to FAIL! By doctors, by teachers. By everyone!

I wouldn’t be stuck with C grades. Yeah, I passed. But I could have had As and Bs! But because I had to keep moving around due to getting kicked out of school, so now I’m stuck with barely a pass. I should have got an A or B grade in English! Especially English! But because of stupid bullying and NO SUPPORT from ANYBODY I passed by the skin of my teeth.

I was born to fucking fail at life.

I wish I was ABORTED or she had a MISCARRIAGE!

I’d never wish a miscarriage on anyone. But least she’d get over it eventually, nothing is worth this pain. Not a single thing!

I just want to cry. I know the truth now. I am a FAILURE. I was born to fail. I was meant to fail. God doesn’t love me. God doesn’t want me to survive.

Maybe, I should just find a way out of this world.

Nothing is worth the tears or pain anymore.

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sp00kysk3lly · 2 months

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I don’t mind sleep, it’s waking up I can’t stand.

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