#'have you ever wondered why we say we're sad? say we're lonely?'

[badsekaiscreencaps]

'How are you feeling bro?'

,I dunno,

'What do you mean you don't know?'

#sksksk #I am genuinely surprised that Lost Ones Weeping is a Leo/Need song #a song about the harshness of school and the inability to retain your own identity amidst expectations?? #'today's homework is about the blank me'? #'have you ever wondered why we say we're sad? say we're lonely?' #'can you even read his mind? see that kid's lost fantasy?' 'can you even find the one who blackened his heart?' #the ENERGY the ANGER the HOPELESSNESS #sorry lmao that kind of pressure is much more fitting for Nightcord #Mafuyu who lost her dreams. Kanade haunted by the pressure of her her father's work. #Ena who works harder and harder to try and 'make up for' her ''lack of talent'' Mizuki who is genuinely smart but feels othered by school #Shiho doesn't want to fit in. Honami has a fear of bullying but it's... not that deep. Ichika doesn't really struggle with much other than- #her friends not being together. The only one with a really strained past is Saki who spent her 'prime years' in a hospital #I need to finish the Leo/Need Event Stories #but man... their big conflict is pretty much over- they don't really have 'Lost One's Weeping' vibes/issues #that surprised me when I first saw it #but it does look boppin #it looks really cool played out #but it just doesn't fit narratively

[ladyelissarose]

‘We Go Down Together’

Simon ‘Ghost’ Riley x female ‘hostage’ reader

Nickname per say: Wolf

Summary; When Ghost is caught and held hostage, he meets a new friend, who’s been held hostage there too for much longer. But Simon who has the hopes of getting out, runs into her who has lost it all. 

Warnings; might make you cry, angst, then some fluff, mentions of torture and a few dark things.. but yup, be prepared ;) enjoy.

“Well... sense you don’t seem to give up.. maybe we can make you comfortable here... along with Wolf... take turns playing with you two and see who breaks first...”

Those were the last words Simon ‘Ghost’ Riley heard from his captors before he was thrown into the darkest place he had ever encountered. If he thought the casket he was buried in was dark and lonely... this felt much worse, for it was knowingly much larger... meaning more demons could fit inside. The demons were what scared Simon the most, their haunting voices, promising torture and pain till no end, their lingering around him, which was so unseen yet profoundly felt. When thrown in, instinctively he stretched his hands out to feel for walls, and when he found one he followed it until he found a corner, and there he settled himself. Hoping the darkness of that particular corner consumed him or kept him well hidden for now, until they pulled him out again to do what they could to get him to talk. The room was so dark he couldn’t even see his hands in front of him, so instead he kept his eyes shut, so he wouldn’t try to look for something that wasn’t really there. Simon tried to get his mind off of it, but ever sense the first day he arrived, the presence of another in that room made chills go up his spine, and his mind wonder,

 ‘Is there really someone in here? Or am I hallucinating again?’

There would be times he’d hear the door slam open and the sound of someone else being dragged out, theirs cries were the sound of a wailing woman, but he could never see them. And once they were out, he’d feel extremely lonely, he had even cried for them, wishing for their presence to be there again, for it never felt scary or uncomfortable, it felt peaceful and comforting. Once they’d return he’d feel rough hands grab him and drag him out next, he’d try to fight them off, but never succeeded. The cycle repeated when it came to them trying to get words out of the both of them, which they never received. Simon would grow furious when he’d hear them hurting you, feel your pain in the sound of your desperate pleas and screams, and he’d tear up when he could make out what were your silent cries or whimpers once you were back inside. Soon he would hear your soft breaths when you had fallen asleep, and that’s what he used as leverage to calmly fall asleep too. When Simon would be thrown back into the dark room, he had already memorized the steps towards his corner, but they usually didn’t feel so heavy or sad, when he could feel the presence of his unseen and unheard friend. All he knew, was that they called them, ‘Wolf’. Today though, Wolf’s cries sounded much louder and deep, and ever sense you came back, your soft breaths hadn’t been heard yet, you were oddly enough still up. And Simon refused to sleep until he heard you pass out first.

‘Why aren’t you sleeping yet? Did they really tear into you this time?-‘

“Sometimes we fly, sometimes we fall

Sometimes I feel like we're nothing at all..”

‘Oh?... was that- real?’

“Dream in the light, dance in the dark

You fill the spaces inside of my heart, mm mm..”

Simon’s ears perked at the sound of the most beautiful and angelical voice he had ever heard. It sang into the darkness, the echo of the empty metal room allowed it to flow like a peaceful river. Sitting up and cowering less, Simon awaited for it to continue, now hungry for more as it seemed to have calmed his hurting heart and desperate soul. He was too worried to call out or ask for it, not wanting it to stop or scare it away at the sound of his broken, torn voice. 

“Mm, woo ooh, ooh ooh

Hm hm...”

‘Is that why they called you Wolf? They hear your voice and say you’re howling in the dark... please go on..’

Wolf, that was your new given name.. as each night before your new friend arrived, you sang your fears away, hoping your voice sounded angelic enough to keep the demons away. You had been captured months ago, after a mission went wrong with your team and instead of being able to get away, your team used you as bait so they could run first. So you knew sense the start that they’d probably never come to get you back, and it was proven right when you found out that it had been 6 months sense your capture. They did everything in their power to get information out of you... but you never gave in... so they tortured you with darkness, hiding you from the sun and it’s gift of light. When you were once a Sunshine to many, brightening up the world with a smile or cheering it up with a simple word, you were now a Wolf.. crying in the night.. hoping to call out the moonlight, maybe the light of the sun could spare you that. But no.. you hadn’t seen it yet. Tonight for some reason your friends cries had been much louder, it tore you piece into piece at the sound of it, anger boiling as you wished that they’d hurt you instead. Soon it stopped, and a loud crash came through the door. In the distance you could hear heavy breathing, a few sniffles here and there, even a choked sob. You thought that maybe singing, would calm his heart... and silence his cries that made you ache with sorrow. Lately he had been your reason to go on, feeling his presence there or hearing his soft snores when he’d knock out due to the pain, was enough to stay strong. You had never spoken or seen this man, but he was hurting as much as you, and you’d do anything to help or take it away.

But after today’s unfortunate session you felt more tired and in excruciating pain, exhaustion taking over a lot of you, scaring you. You felt like shutting down completely, but decided to keep strong. So you eased your mind, cleared your throat, and you sang one of your saddest melodies, summing up your life... not knowing what else you could do. Not realizing that your words were hitting straight to their core as you continued,

“Am I really mine? are you really yours

If all your emotions cut straight to my core..”

Simon clutched himself together as he wiped a stray tear away, feeling the depth of their voice, the emotion hidden deep in the words spoke louder than anything. He held in a sob as he listened on,

“Times when you cry, I feel it all

Whenever you leave me, I wait for your call

You are everything I'm living for.”

You felt the stone in your throat beginning to grow, at the thought of never being able leave, or seeing the sun again.

“If you go down, then we go down together

If you hold on, I might just stay forever If you get hurt, I'll try to make it better

If you go down, then we go down together...”

‘Do we really? Would you?’

Simon thought this as he began to feel inclined to guide himself through the darkness, towards your voice. To see- well.. more likely to feel if you were indeed there, or just another voice in his head. His hand trembled in fear and anticipation, of what awaited for him in the shadows. But he stopped when you went on, with a slight tremble to your voice,

‘she’s crying..’

“S-Sometimes we're right, sometimes we're wrong

Sometimes the l-line has just never been drawn..

Nights when we fi-fight, we strike the chord..

And t-then we for-forget what we've... what we’ve been fighting for-r...”

Soft sobs then filled the room, when you finally broke, unable to go on with the song. The pain was getting too much worse for you and you could feel little bits of yourself let go, like a loss feeling. Simon felt his whole chest shake with agony when he heard for the first time, your cries. It definitely sounded like a Wolf.. a mother Wolf crying for her loss, or her pups.. feeling absolutely lonely and torn. He could hear how hopeless you were, it was cry when you knew it was over, or never going to start again. 

 ‘It can’t be over... my team is definitely coming for me soon.. they have too... I hope they do.’

“Lay on the floor.. sleep in your arms

Pausing the world to stay right where we are

Close all the bliiiinds... lock all the doors

Things fall apart and I'm wanting you more

You are everything I'm living for...”

There you went at it again, refusing to lean towards what felt like defeat and an ending.. though you mostly believe you were headed that way. 

‘You are everything I'm living for..’

 Simon trusted his gut and knew he lived for you too, especially now that he heard your voice, which became like an instant drug to him, he now needed you, to feel you- hopefully see you one day. Simon got on his knees and began to crawl, towards your voice again, willing to get as close as possible, and be at grace’s mercy in order to get a simple touch of you. You let your legs extended out, so they wouldn’t cramp as you took a deep breath, and were able to go on, until you felt the softest brush if fingers touch your bare leg. You gasped in fear and jumped back, not recognizing the soft touch, after suffering through so many other ways of touch. You found your hand resting over the part that was barely grazed by love, burning like a severe after affect. But it soon turned warm... then cold again.

 ‘Touch me again... please..’

Simon felt a spark when he felt soft skin against his fingers, but as quick as he touched it, it left. His heart sank, but now wouldn’t live without another second without it, so he called out shyly, and in a whisper,

“where’d you go?”

A few beats of silence passed.. Simon grew worried it was fake.. until he heard a soft reply back,

“i’m right here- *cough*... sorry I backed off..”

‘Oh God.. fuck- this is real!’

“it’s ok.. sorry if I scared you-“

You didn’t want to hear him say ‘sorry’ for anything, especially after everything he has been through, so you right away countered with,

“oh no! it’s fine.... really.”

“oh.. ok.”

You could hear his cute little British accent, and wondered how it sounded in its louder and clearer version, but thought that probably he wasn’t ready to go that high or far yet.. so you stuck with whispering,

“how long have- *cough cough* you b-been here?”

Simon winced at your thick coughing, it sounded awful and letting him know you were very hurt and most likely sick too,

“about a couple of months... I’m hoping me team finds us soon.”

“team? you’re team is coming for you-“

“us now.. I’m not leaving you behind-“

“but you *cough cough* ugh... you don’t know me-“

“doesn’t matter.. I’d want you free anyways.”

“really?”

“yeah..”

‘of course I’d want you free... if I get out.. we get out together.’

Simon could hear you grunt a bit like if you were in pain, which perhaps you were, he was about to ask you if you’d be alright but you spoke up first,

“can.. can you find me again.. I can’t mo-move.”

“of course.. just stay still and trust me.. I won’t hurt you.”

“ok.”

Simon felt for the cold cemented floor and began to slide his hands up, away from him, trying to feel for you. But it didn’t matter how far he went, it was like if you were never there.

‘No.. no no where did you go!?-‘

“If you go down, then we go down together

If you hold o-on, I might just st-stay forever

If you get hurt... I’ll... I'll try to make it better 

If you go down, th-then we go down together, ah! ughh...”

‘Oh.. ok ok.. follow her voice.. I’m getting close-‘

“Oh! Ha! Is that you?”

“ye-yeah! it’s me..”

Simon trailed his hand on a cool, soft surface, and before he knew it, an inviting hand intertwined their fingers with his, bringing him close. He then heard a sniffle and weak words come out,

“I wish I could see you..”

“oh darling I don’t think you’d want too... but I wish I could see you.”

You grazed your hands over what you could feel were his arms, they felt bulky and very warm, compared to yours. You clung onto them and whimpered,

“can you hold me? I know it’s a lot but I’m cold-“

“shh shh.. I got you, you feel my arms-“

“yeah yeah.. wrap them around me- like that!”

“I know.. I got you sweet girl.. I got you.”

‘Damnit she’s freezing! Oh please stay strong little one.. I got you.. helps coming soon!’

Simon laid your head on his chest and had you sitting in his lap, off the cold floor so you wouldn’t freeze more. He could feel your body trembling and hear the tiny whimpers let out when the pain got too much for you. He even started to notice your change in breathing, it grew slower and slower. His heart panicked for you as he called out while shaking you a bit,

“hey hey! Stay up.. please.”

“but.. but I can’t-“

“Yes you can.. yes you can- come on. Sing for me..”

You barely shook your head and hid it deeper into his chest while you clutched his arms,

“It’ll sound terri-terrible-“

“It doesn’t matter... I’ll help you. Hm?”

‘What’s the point.. we’ll both die anyways... just let me go first.. then you can follow me-‘

“Come on.. I want to hear you.. I need to hear you-“

“I’m never getting out-“

“Yes you are.. yes we are-“

“I’ve been here to long- no one will remember me-“

“I now know you. I know you and won’t ever forget you... now let me hear your voice. Please, trust me.”

You let out a choked sob when you realized that you had lost all hope, and how he still had some. You didn’t want to suck up all his hope and turn it into faithlessness, so you gave in, and sucked it up. Closing your eyes you leaned into him and began once again,

“If you go down, then we go down together

If you hold on, I might just stay forever

If you get hurt, I'll try to make it better

If you go down, then we go down together...”

BAM BAM BAM!! 

Simon felt your body jolt in fear when all the shots were heard from afar off, but he clearly heard Soap’s and Price’s voices shouting out too, and his weary heart just about leaped with joy and relief.

‘It’s them!! They’re here!!’

“Love! Help has arrived! Love? Oh shit!”

In shock Simon realized you had passed out and grew unconscious, which urged him to cry out in desperation,

 “AY!! I’M IN HERE!!-“

“SIMON!! STAY BACK!!”

BOOM!!!

The door went flying off but Simon kept you safe and secure in his arms, afraid that more damage may dare come and touch you again. Bright lights burned his eyes as it was shining everywhere, he squinted and was able to catch a familiar figure coming towards him, making him smile beneath his mask,

“Johnny?”

“Simon, Hold- oh.. who’s this?”

Like a guardian over you, Simon instantly pulled his arms tighter around you, and with Soap’s help he stood up to his intimidating height and put forth while carrying you bridal style,

“She’s mine.. I’ll take care of her. Let’s get out of here.”

Soap looked curious and doubtful as he had never seen Simon this way- with people.. strangers. But with the way Simon looked down at your face that he could now see, he was definitely never going to let you go, you were far too precious and golden to just you let slip away. You mere presence kept him alive, imagine now that he could have all of you? Feel and really see all of you?

Few days later..

Tears of happiness and relief fell from his eyes and soaked his balaclava as he witnessed you wake up to full consciousness at the hospital at base. He don’t want to scare you as you began to flutter your eyes open, so he quickly pulled off his mask, ready for you to see who he really was. (Mind you it had taken him days to go over how this was going to happen, as he waited patiently and presently for you to wake up.) 

 You felt like garbage or like a truck had hit you, but it was quickly forgotten when you heard a familiar voice call out to you sweetly,

“Love?”

‘I remember that voice- oh.. oh wow.’

The most beautiful face sat in front of you, with watery eyes and the poutiest lips, holding his hand out to you for you to receive, which you did. Like the first time you intertwined your fingers with his, it all felt so surreal once again, and like home. You couldn’t help but admire his beauty as you praised,

“You’re beautiful.”

“not more than you... you’re a beauty.”

“ohh sweetheart... says the sculpted God himself.. I’m honored to be called a beauty by a masterpiece..”

Simon blushed so hard he felt his cheeks burn, but he nonetheless was honest with you as he replied,

“You’ll be the only one to see me besides my boss... I always where this... for protection.”

He then regretfully lifted up his balaclava to show you, you eyes gleamed at the interesting product he used as cover-up. But he didn’t need further explaining as you were understanding enough to know why he did it. His scars told enough for you, but you loved them already. You then remembered his words... as his eyes bore into your lovingly, it only made you tear up as you realized,

“You got me out.. you got us out.”

He nodded and came closer to plant a sweet, soft kiss on your cheek then head, he locked his eyes on yours as he leaned his forehead against yours. 

“We got out.. together.”

“Together?”

“Together.”

“... together... what’s your name?”

He sent you the softest smile before replying,

“Simon.. it’s Simon Riley, love... you?”

You bit your lip nervously, as you didn’t recall your name, after all the brainwashing they did. 

“They only called me Wolf... that’s it.”

 Simon caught your frown and thought,

‘She doesn’t remember... I got her.’

“It’s alright.. I underhand.. hmm-“

“I like it when you call me ‘love’... has a nice ring to it.. everyone else can call me Wolf. It’ll remind me of where I came from, and what I can overcome... and who I came out with.”

Simon’s heart almost pitter-pattered into an explosion, hearing your sweet and honest words.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright then, love. It’s settled then... you’re never leaving my side.”

“We’ll stick together?”

A soft kiss met the corner of your lips as he promised,

“Yes love.. Together.”

#simon ghost riley #simon riley imagine #ghost simon riley #cod simon riley #simon riley #ghost x female reader #cod ghost #ghost fluff #ghost angst #call of duty #call of duty x you #ghost call of duty #call of duty fluff #simon riley fluff #ghost x reader

[burialapplicant]

From The Members to The Fans

〈 RUKI 〉

At the end he said, "I hope the GazettE will last forever," I think REITA meant he hopes the best view, that he saw from the stage in 2023, is what will continue forever.

The view he saw with the fans Your happy faces The place we could all scream together

It's a treasure that cannot be replaced.

I think he hoped it would be nice if that moment could last forever.

I remember you said you wanted to do a live show soon.

He was a kind and passionate man, someone who could openly say, "Even if something goes wrong, I have the most fun when the members get together and we can laugh like this."

I loved his honesty.

Every birthday, we jokingly tell each other that we should take care of each other's health, this year is no different.

The band will never be just the four of us. No matter what anyone says.

You are our only bassist.

I believe you will always be next to me.

Everyone will feel your presence even if they cannot see you.

REITA's life he built with the GazettE will never disappear, it will always live on.

I will continue singing so it will be as if REITA is right next to me.

We won't become the kind of the GazettE REITA would hate.

I don't want to make you sad.

I believe we all have a limited time here but the human soul remains.

REITA's, the members and mine. And the fans.

I want to continue to perform so everyone that has loved us, even when they become souls, can come to our lives forever.

It can only happen with each and every one of our fans, we can create this view that he wished to see forever.

That is why I want you to stay by my side and be there with us.

I know he would appreciate it if you remembered him with a smile, instead of sadness.

We will be determined to protect this band more than ever before.

We will make the forever that REITA wished for come true.

So, REITA, make sure to come to every live down from heaven.

There will always be a seat for you.

Things are going to be really busy now.

I will reach out again when there is a schedule made.

〈 麗 〉

To all the fans who supported REITA.

I think he was a tremendous source of support for everyone and myself. I still cannot accept and face the fact that he is no longer with us and we will not be on stage together anymore. Maybe this is one of many things I will gradually come to understand. However, I strongly feel I need to have the strength in order to move forward, if I remain in sorrow, I will not be able to guarantee the forever he wished for. I believe the path he had taken alongside everyone was invaluable and will live on in his heart, for everyone and himself for a long time to come. He has given me so much and walked beside me for so long, he will remain as my best friend forever. Please remember his words, memories and the love he shared in your hearts. REITA will live on in everyone's heart.

I want to express how grateful I am for everyone supporting the GazettE and REITA.

〈 葵 〉

Of all things after working with the members and our staff, this is the one thing I did not want to do. There were moments in the past where I almost gave up on my dream. Every time, we would have a discussion about it, the members would push and pull me to not feel discouraged. That is why the GazettE was able to keep moving forward. REITA, you are not the one to wish for eternity, you are eternal. I can't say something wise like "I'll carry your burden." I wanted to play more music with you, I wanted to see more with you. Even if it's the 5 of us surrounded by our fans, any kind of view would be amazing. I wonder, it's difficult that I have so many things to say knowing none of it will come true. Once I'm up there, I'm giving you a stern talk. You must be lonely because we're suddenly gone, so until we meet again, please rest up. I have a little more work to do here.

Thank you for joining us on this long journey. Rest in peace.

〈 戒 〉

REITA had an big presence in my life, more than I can describe; all his words, saving me with his sound, the mood maker of the band, all I remember are the fun things, and above all, the way he shined on stage.

He was the best partner to have in the rhythm group. That has not and will never change.

I want to carry his memory with me to continue the GazettE with a greater determination.

Lastly, to the fans and everyone involved in supporting us for the past 22 years. Thank you so much.

I want to continue running forward with the five of us, I hope you will stay with us.

REITA Thank you for your hard work. With everyone by our sides, we will continue to protect the GazettE...I promise.

I don't want your 22 years go to waste, there are a lot of friends who don't want that either. Don't forgot to come to the show!

Let's have another good drink together, yea?

#this was difficult #i apologize for any errors #the gazette #ruki #uruha #aoi #reita #kai #2024 #translations

[mooseyspooky]

Songs Moz says he wrote about Johnny:

-Angel, Angel Down We Go Together

Meanwhile, all the songs that I think are actually about Johnny, or in some way referring to him:

-Hand In Glove (1983)

-No, it's not like any other love. This one is different, because it's us.

-So, hand in glove I stake my claim. I'll fight to the last breath. If they dare touch a hair on your head, I'll fight to the last breath. For the good life is out there somewhere. So stay on my arm, you little charmer, but I know my luck too well. Yes, I know my luck too well. And I'll probably never see you again.

-Reel Around The Fountain (1983)

-Fifteen minutes with you. Well, I wouldn't say no. Oh, people said that you were virtually dead, and they were so wrong.

-I dreamt about you last night, and I fell out of bed twice. You can pin and mount me like a butterfly, but, "Take me to the haven of your bed" was something that you never said. Two lumps, please. You're the bee's knees but so am I.

-What Difference Does It Make? (1982)

-All men have secrets and here is mine. So let it be known. For we have been through hell and high tide. I think I can rely on you, and yet you start to recoil. Heavy words are so lightly thrown, but still I'd leap in front of a flying bullet for you.

-But now you know the truth about me. You won't see me anymore. Well, I'm still fond of you.

-But I'm still fond of you. Oh, my sacred one.

-Miserable Lie (Linder/Johnny) (1982)

-I know I need hardly say how much I love your casual way. Oh, but please put your tongue away. A little higher and we're well away. The dark nights are drawing in, and your humor is as black as them. I look at yours, you laugh at mine, and "love" is just a miserable lie. You have destroyed my flower-like life. Not once - twice. You have corrupt my innocent mind. Not once - twice.

-This Charming Man (1983)

-When in this charming car. This charming man.

-Why pamper life's complexity when the leather runs smooth on the passenger seat?

-This man said, "It's gruesome that someone so handsome should care."

-These Things Take Time (1982)

-Mine eyes have seen the glory of the sacred wunderkind.

-But I can't believe that you'd ever care, and this is why you will never care.

-I'm spellbound, but a woman divides, and the hills are alive with celibate cries. But you know where you came from, you know where you're going, and you know where you belong. You said I was ill and you were not wrong.

-The alcoholic afternoons when we sat in your room - they meant more to me than any than any living thing on earth. It had more worth than any living thing on earth. Vivid and in your prime. You will leave me behind.

-Handsome Devil (1982)

-You ask me the time, but I sense something more. And I would like to give what I think you're asking for.

-You handsome devil. Oh, you handsome devil. Let me get my hands on your mammary glands, and let me get your head on the conjugal bed.

-I crack the whip, and you skip, but you deserve it. And when we're in your scholarly room, who will swallow whom?

-Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want (1984)

-So for once in my life let me get what I want. Lord knows it would be the last time.

-That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore (1984)

-Park the car at the side of the road. You should know time's tide will smother you - and I will too. When you laugh about people who feel so very lonely their only desire is to die - well, I'm afraid it doesn't make me smile.

-It was dark as I drove the point home, and on cold leather seats - well, it suddenly struck me. I just might die with a smile on my face after all.

-Well I Wonder (1983/1984)

-Do you hear me when you sleep? I hoarsely cry.

-Do you see me when we pass? I half-die.

-Please keep me in mind.

-I Know It's Over (1985)

-I know it's over - still I cling. I don't know where else I can go

-Sad veiled bride, please be happy. Handsome groom, give her room. Loud, loutish lover, treat her kindly. Though she needs you more than she loves you.

-I know it's over, and it never really began, but in my heart it was so real. And you even spoke to me, and said: "If you're so funny then why are you on your own tonight? And if you're so clever then why are you on your own tonight? If you're so very entertaining then why are you on your own tonight? If you're so very good-looking why do you sleep alone tonight?"

-Love is natural and real, but not for you, my love. Not tonight, my love. Love is natural and real, but not for such as you and I, my love.

-Never Had No One Ever (1985)

-Now I'm outside your house - I'm alone. And I'm outside your house. I hate to intrude.

-The Boy with the Thorn in His Side (1985)

-How can they look into my eyes, and still they don't believe me? How can they hear me say those words - still they don't believe me? And if they don't believe me now will they ever believe me?

-How can they see the love in our eyes, and still they don't believe us? And after all this time they don't want to believe us. And if they don't believe us now will they ever believe us?

-There Is a Light That Never Goes Out (1985)

-Driving in your car. I never, never want to go home. Because I haven't got one anymore.

-Driving in your car. Please don't drop me home.

-And if a double-decker bus crashes into us - to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die. And if a ten ton truck kills the both of us - to die by your side...well, the pleasure, the privilege is mine.

-Take me out tonight. Take me anywhere, I don't care. And in the darkened underpass I thought, "Oh God, my chance has come at last." But then a strange fear gripped me, and I just couldn't ask.

-Stretch Out and Wait (1985)

-All the lies that you make up...what's at the back of your mind? Your face I can see, and it's desperately kind - but what's at the back of your mind?

-Amid concrete and clay, and general decay, nature must still find a way. So ignore all the codes of the day. Let your juvenile impulses sway...God, how sex implores you to let yourself lose yourself.

-Stretch out and wait. Let your puny body lie down. As we lie, you say...stretch out and...

-Shakespeare's Sister (1985)

-But I'm going to meet the one I love. So, please don't stand in my way, because I'm going to meet the one I love.

-I can smile about it now, but at the time it was terrible.

-Sweet and Tender Hooligan (1986)

-He said that he'd never, never do it again, and of course he won't - not until the next time.

-Would you look into those motherly eyes? I love you for you, my love, you, my love.

-Is It Really So Strange? (1986)

-And I can't help the way I feel. You can kick me, and you can punch me, and you can break my face, but you won't change the way I feel. 'Cause I love you.

-Is it really so strange? I say no, you say yes - and you will change your mind.

-London (1986)

-Smoke lingers 'round your fingers. Train a-heave on to Euston. Do you think you've made the right decision this time?

-You left your girlfriend on the platform with this really ragged notion that you'll return, but she knows that when he goes, he really goes. And do you think you've made the right decision this time?

-Ask (1986)

-So if there's something you'd like to try...Ask me, I won't say no, how could I?

-Because if it's not love then it's the bomb...that will bring us together

-Nature is a language, can't you read?

-I Started Something I Couldn't Finish (1987)

-The lanes were silent. There was nothing, no one, nothing around for miles. I doused our friendly venture with a hard-faced, three-word gesture.

-I started something, I forced you to a zone - and you were clearly never meant to go. Hair brushed and parted, typical me...I started something, and now I'm not too sure.

-I grabbed you by guilded beams. That's what tradition means. And I doused another venture with a gesture that was absolutely vile.

-Stop Me If You Think You've Heard This One Before (1987)

-Nothing's changed. I still love you, oh, I still love you...only slightly, only slightly less than I used to, my love.

-Who said I'd lied to her? Who said I'd lied, because I never...

-Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me (1987)

-Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me. No hope, no harm. Just another false alarm.

-Last night I felt real arms around me. No hope, no harm. Just another false alarm.

-I Won't Share You (1987)

-I won't share you, no. I won't share you. With the drive and ambition. The zeal I feel, this is my time.

-Life tends to come and go. That's okay...as long as you know.

-I'll see you somewhere. I'll see you sometime, darling.

-I Keep Mine Hidden (1987)

-Hate, love and war force emotions to the fore, but not for me of course, of course. I keep mine hidden.

-But it's so easy for you...because you let yours flail into public view.

-The lies are so easy for you, because you let yours slide into public view.

-Alsatian Cousin (1987)

-Were you and he lovers? And would you say so if you were?

-A note upon his desk. "P.S. Bring Me Home And Have Me!" Leather elbows on a tweed coat -is that the best you can do? So came his reply: "But on the desk is where I want you."

-Angel, Angel Down We Go Together (1987)

-Angel, angel. Don't take your life tonight. I know they take, and that they take in turn. And they give you nothing real for yourself in return, but when they've used you and they've broken you, and wasted all your money, and cast your shell aside - and when they've bought you and they've sold you, and they've billed you for the pleasure, and they've made your parents cry. I will be here, oh, believe me. I will be here, believe me. Angel, don't take your life. Some people have got no pride. They do not understand the urgency of life. But I love you more than life

-Late Night, Maudlin Street (1987)

-Love at first sight. May sound trite, but it's true, you know. I could list the details of everything you ever wore, or said, or how you stood that day.

-Truly I do love you. Oh, truly I do love you.

-When I sleep with that picture of you framed beside my bed...Oh, it's childish and it's silly, but I think it's you in my room by the bed. Yes, I told you it was silly, and I know I took strange pills, but I never meant to hurt you. Oh, truly I love you.

-The last bus I missed to Maudlin Street. So, he drove me home in the van, complaining, "Women only like me for my mind..."

-And so we crept through the park. No, I cannot steal a pair of jeans off a clothesline for you...but you without clothes. Oh, I could not keep a straight face. Me, without clothes? Well, a nation turns its back and gags.

-Oh, truly I do love you...wherever you are.

-Suedehead (1987)

-Why do you come here? And why, why do you hang around? I'm so sorry...Why do you come here when you know it makes things hard for me? ...Why do you telephone? And why send me silly notes? I'm so sorry.

-You had to sneak into my room just to read my diary. "It was just to see, just to see." All the things you knew I'd written about you. Oh, so many illustrations. But I'm so very sickened. I am so sickened now...Oh, it was a good lay, good lay.

-Break Up the Family (1987)

-The strange logic in your clumsiest line - it stayed emblazoned on my mind. You say, break up the family, and let's begin to live our lives.

-Yes, you found love, but you weren't at peace with your life. Home late, full of hate. Despise the ties that bind.

-I Don't Mind If You Forget Me (1987)

-I don't mind - I don't mind if you forget me.

-So now you send me your hardened 'regards' when once you'd send me 'Love.' Sincerely I must tell you your mild 'best wishes' - they make me suspicious.

-The pressure to change, to move on was strange, and very strong. So this is why I tell you - I really do understand. Bye bye.

-Rejection is one thing, but rejection from a fool is cruel.

-I Know Very Well How I Got My Name (1987)

-A child in a curious phase. A man with sullen ways. I know very well how I got my name. You think you were my first love. You think you were my first love, but you're wrong. You were the only one. Who's come and gone.

-Treat Me Like a Human Being (1987)

-It's hard, but try...for once, just for once...Leave all your hate behind you. It's still all so strange and obscene for you to look and see one who is real and who feels life.

-Three words could change my life. So once, just for once...let the night pass with ease, son. Treat me like a human being. I'd like to know how this feels.

-Three words could change my life, yet you treat me like you never care.

-Happy Lovers at Last United (1988)

-Happy lovers, back together, and I do feel proud. Happy lovers, reunited, and I do feel proud now. I'm not the type to boast as you know, though it was me who brought them back together. He is so kind, and she is so clever, but they don't want me now, hanging around.

-I rang to her to explain of how he really wants to see you again. I said more or less the same thing to him too, which wasn't true. And now they walk, hand in hand, all is planned, by the silent glance I believe, that only lovers share. And I'm proud to have done something good for once. And she is so kind, and he's so clever, but they don't need me now, hanging around.

-Will Never Marry (1988)

-For whether you stay, or you stray, an inbuilt guilt that catches up with you - and as it comes around to your place at 5 a.m., wakes you up, and it laughs in your face.

-He Knows I'd Love to See Him (1989)

-He knows, he knows, or...I think he does. 'Cause when I lived in the arse of the world...he knows, he knows. He knows I'd love to see him happy, or as close as is allowed.

-Oh, my name still conjures up deadly deeds, and a bad taste in the mouth.

-He doesn't know ...

-Yes, I Am Blind (1989)

-Love's young dream. I'm the one who shocked you. I'm the one who stopped you, 'cause in my sorry way I love you.

-Love's young dream...aren't you sorry for what you've done? Well, you're not the only one, and in my sorry way I love you.

-Yes, I am blind, but I do see evil people prosper over the likes of you and me always.

-Oh Phoney (1989)

-May this lovely letter reach its destination...if only. Question one is why do you pretend that you like me? Oh Phoney. See how the outside contradicts what's inside.

-Who can make Hitler seem like a bus conductor? You do, oh Phoney you do. You sing a lovely song to a scale, and the words spell out my name. Oh Phoney. But then you kick me down below, 'cause you know it won't show. How could you?

-King Leer (1990)

-Your boyfriend, he went down on one knee...Well, could it be he's only got one knee?

-Your boyfriend, he has the gift of the gab, or, could it be...the gift of the grab?

-Your boyfriend, he has displayed to me more than just a real hint of cruelty.

-Found Found Found (1990)

-Found, found, found...someone who's worth it in this murkiness. Someone who's never seeming to be scheming...(Oh, but if I'd never found)...I do believe that the more you give your love, and I do believe that the more you give your trust...the more you're bound to lose. (Oh, but if I'd never found)...Somebody who wants to be who wants to be with me...all the time.

-The Loop (1990)

-I just want to say I haven't been away. I'm still right here, where I always was. So one day, if you're bored by all means call. Because you can do...but only if you want to. I just want to say I haven't been away. I am still right here, where I always was. So one day, when you're bored by all means call. Because you can do...but you might not get through.

-Seasick, Yet Still Docked (1992)

-Wish I knew the way to reach the one I love. There is no way. Wish I had the charm to attract the one I love, but you see, I've got no charm.

-Tonight I've consumed much more than I can hold. Oh, this is very clear to you. And you can tell I have never really loved. You can tell by the way I sleep all day, and all of my life no one gave me anything...My love is as sharp as a needle in your eye. You must be such a fool to pass me by.

-I Know It's Gonna Happen Someday (1992)

-My love, wherever you are, whatever you are - don't lose faith. I know it's gonna happen someday to you. Please wait...

-You say that the day just never arrives, and it's never seemed so far away. Still, I know it's gonna happen someday to you.

-Tomorrow (1992)

-All I ask of you is one thing that you never do - would you put your arms around me? I won't tell anyone. Tomorrow...does it have to come?

- And what must come before. Oh, the pain in my arms. Oh, the pain in my legs. Oh, my shiftless body. Tomorrow. It's surely nearer now. You don't think I'll make it. I never said I wanted to - well, did I?

-All I ask of you is would you tell me that you love me. Tell me, tell me that you love me. Ah, I know you don't mean it.

-I'd Love To (1993)

-Again I lay awake, and I cried because of waste. I'd love to, but only with you...Oh, time is gonna wipe us out. There, I've said it loud and clear so that you will hear. There's no one in view. Just you...and time will never wipe you out. Now I've had enough. I've had more than could be my rightful share of nights I can't bear. How can it be fair? Time must wipe them out. So, again, I lay awake in a trance. Oh, I just want my chance, but only with you...that's all...

-Spring-Heeled Jim (1993)

-Spring-heeled Jim lives to love. Now kissing with his mouth full, and his eyes on some other fool. So many women - his head should be spinning. Ah, but no!

-Spring-heeled Jim slurs the words: "There's no need to be so knowing. Take life at five times your average speed, like I do."

-Billy Budd (1993)

-Say, Billy Budd. So you think that you should? Everyone's laughing! Since I took up with you. Things have been bad. Yeah, but now it's twelve years on. Now it's twelve years on. Yes, and I took up with you.

-Yes, and it's all because of us. Oh, and what was in our eyes...I said, Billy Budd I would happily lose both of my legs...I would lose both of my legs if it meant you could be free.

-Hold On to Your Friends (1993)

-A bond of trust has been abused. Something of value may be lost. Give up your job. Squander your cash - be rash. Just hold on to your friends. There are more than enough to fight and oppose. Why waste good time fighting the people you like? Who will fall defending your name?

-But now you only call me when you're feeling depressed. When you feel happy I'm so far from your mind. My patience is stretched. My loyalty vexed.

-Be mad, be rash. Smoke and explode. Sell all of your clothes. Just bear in mind: Oh, there just might come a time when you need some friends.

-Speedway (1993) (Johnny/Issues with the NME)

-And when you slam down the hammer can you see it in your heart? All of the rumors...keeping me grounded. I never said, I never said that they were completely unfounded.

-So when you slam down the hammer can you see it in your heart? Can you delve so low? And when you're standing on my fingers can you see it in your heart? And when you try to break my spirit it won't work, because there's nothing left to break...anymore.

-You won't sleep until the earth that wants me finally has me. Oh you've done it now. You won't rest. Until the hearse that becomes me finally takes me...And you won't smile until my loving mouth is shut good and proper. Forever.

-And all those lies, written lies, twisted lies. Well, they weren't lies. They weren't lies...I never said...I could have mentioned your name. I could have dragged you in. Guilt by implication. By association. I've always been true to you in my own strange way. I've always been true to you in my own sick way. I'll always stay true to you.

-You Must Please Remember (1994)

-A small boy, big ideas. You must please remember. A long road, with no turn-off. Oh, you must remember. Caught in your headlights like a frightened animal. You must remember. Someone cries twice nightly. Of course, I do remember. Someone cries, and you think quite rightly so, but you refuse to remember.

-Low-lights and long nights. I try hard to not remember. And you - too beautiful. I can't look. I've done so very many stupid things. It's too late.

-Honey, You Know Where To Find Me (1994)

-Honey, I'm not gonna cry for the things that never occurred. So do not remind me. Happy to be as I was in the first place. Honey you know where to find me...Kicking away from the mundane everyday. The envy is beyond me. I'm not gonna pine for the things that can never be mine. Do not expect me to. I'm happy to be who I was in the first place.

-Whatever Happens I Love You (1994)

-Names, secret names, but never in my favour. But when all is said and done - it's you I love. Cold loving prose. We stole each other's clothes, but when all is said and done - it's you I love. Yes, yes, yes, oh, yes. (Note: Moz often sings this as 'we wore each other's clothes')

-Fights for rights. Everyone's oh so quick with advice, and when they've all said their piece - it's still you I love. Now just like then...yes, yes. No, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

-You Should Have Been Nice to Me (Jake?/Johnny) (1994/1995)

-You could have told me at the right time. You could have introduced me proudly. Never need to have to kiss me. Never need to ever touch me, but you should have been nice to me. It would have been so easy. And on the moments when I was down you could have been there. You could have once just spoke in favor. You'd never need to ever touch me. But you should have been nice to me...It wouldn't cost you money. And on the moments when I fell down - not for you to say, oh, I told you so. You could have waited...

-Trouble Loves Me (1996/1997)

-Trouble loves me. Trouble needs me. Two things more than you do, or would attempt to. So, console me. Otherwise, hold me. Just when it seems like everything's evened out, and the balance seems serene...

-Trouble loves me. Walks beside me. To chide me. Not to guide me. It's still much more than you'll do.

-Go to waste in the wrong arms. Still running 'round. Trouble loves me. Seeks and finds me. To charlatanize me, which is only as it should be. Oh, please fulfill me. Otherwise, kill me.

-Then at midnight I can't get you out of my head. A disenchanted taste...still running 'round.

-Heir Apparent (1996/1997)

-It's all changed. You were there. Departing, starting a trek I had once took. With that "no-one's gonna stop me when I feel this way" look.

-You think it's so easy, I tell you - it isn't. But you may change minds with your winning smile.

-So I tried to make my way back to the station. You were still there, gleaming and leaving. Wide-eyed and awestruck, saying "How can anybody hate me if I love them first off?"

-Heir apparent. You say that you want it, I'm sure that you'll get it. They'll seduce your heart, and then they'll slap your arse.

-The Edges Are No Longer Parallel (1997)

-All of the things you said...so meaningful. They are all so suddenly meaningless. And the looks you gave...so meaningful. They are all so suddenly meaningless.

-My only mistake is I keep hoping...

-I Like You (Jake/Johnny) (2000-2002)

-Something in you caused me to take a new tact with you. You were going through something I had just about scraped through. Why do you think I let you get away with the things you say to me? Could it be I like you? It's so shameful of me - I like you. No one I ever knew or have spoken to resembles you. This is good or bad all depending on my general mood.

-Magistrates who spend their lives hiding their mistakes - they look at you and I, and envy makes them cry. Envy makes them cry. Forces of containment. They shove their fat faces into mine. You and I just smile, because we're thinking the same line.

-You're not right in the head, and nor am I, and this is why...you're not right in the head, and nor am I, and this is why...this is why I like you.

-Let Me Kiss You (Jake?/Johnny?) (2000-2002)

-There's a place in the sun for anyone who has the will to chase one. And I think I've found mine...so close your eyes. And think of someone you physically admire, and let me kiss you.

-Say, would you let me cry, on your shoulder. I've heard that you'll will try anything twice. (Note: Moz often sings this as 'you'll try anyone twice')

-But then you open your eyes, and you see someone that you physically despise. But my heart is open. My heart is open to you.

-Friday Mourning (2004)

-For years, I warned you. Through tears, I told you.

-This dawn raid soon put paid to all the things I'd whispered to you at night time. And I will never stand naked in front of you, or if I do, it won't be for a long time. Look once to me, look once to me - then look away. Look once to me, then look away.

-The Never-Played Symphonies (2004)

-I can't see those who tried to love me, or those who felt they understood me. And I can't see those who very patiently put up with me. All I can see are the never-laid, or the never played symphonies.

-You were one, you meant to be one. And you jumped into my face and laughed and kissed me on the cheek. And then were gone forever. Not quite.

-You were one, you knew you were one. And you slid right through my fingers. No, not literally, but metaphorically. And now you're all I see as the light fades.

-I Am Two People (2004)

-I love you. It's murder. I am two people. One you know, but don't like. The other one you don't know, but you don't want to.

-I love you. It's pointless. In my soul if I live or die this life.

-I have two faces. One of which you know. The other one, for your sake, I never would show. It's just because I love you. I cannot bear to be around you, and if only one or the other of us would drop down dead.

-You Have Killed Me (2005)

-Pasolini is me. 'Accattone' you'll be. I entered nothing and nothing entered me 'til you came with the key. And you did your best, but as I live and breathe - you have killed me.

-And there is no point saying this again - there is no point saying this again, but I forgive you, I forgive you. Always I do forgive you.

-Life is a Pigsty (2005)

-And once again I turn to you. Once again, I do. I turn to you.

-Life is a pigsty. And if you don't know this then what do you know? Every second of my life I only live for you. And you can shoot me, and you can throw me off a train. I still maintain...

-I can't reach you. I can't reach you. I can't reach you anymore. Can you please stop time? Can you stop the pain? I feel too cold. And now I feel too warm again. Can you stop this pain? Can you stop this pain? Even now in the final hour of my life I'm falling in love again...again.

-I Just Want to See the Boy Happy (2005)

-I want to see the boy happy with some hope in his pale eyes. Is that too much to ask?

-I want to see the boy happy with his arms around his first love. Is that too much to ask? Before I die I have one final dream. For my own life I don't care anything. And I just want to...I want to see this boy happy. Why is this such a bad thing?

-To Me You Are A Work of Art (Jake?/Johnny?) (2005)

-I see the world. It makes me puke. But then I look at you and know that somewhere there's a someone who can soothe me.

-To me you are a work of art. And I would give you my heart - that's if I had one.

-Black Cloud (2007)

-The one I love is standing near. The one I love is everywhere. I can woo you. I can amuse you, but there is nothing I can do to make you mine. Black cloud, black cloud. The one I love roosts in the mind. Can snap this spell, or increase hell. I can chase you, and I can catch you, but there is nothing I can do to make you mine.

-I play the game of favorites now. I can, I must. I will, I do. I can please you, or I can freeze you out, but there is nothing I can do to make you mine. Black cloud, black cloud, black cloud...I can choke myself to please you, and I can sink much lower than usual. But there's nothing I can do to make you mine.

-Sorry Doesn't Help (2007)

-Sorries pour out of you. All wide-eyed simple smiles. Certain to see you through like a QC full of fake humility. You say: "Oh, please forgive..." You say: "Oh, live and let live..." But sorry doesn't help us, and sorry will not save us, and sorry will not bring my teen years back to me any time soon. Forced back, it springs right out. Seasoned, you have no doubts. You lied about the lies that you told - which is the full extent of what being you is all about.

-Sorry will not bring my love into my arms as far as I know...

-Sorry is just a word you find so easy to say...So you say it anyway. Sorry doesn't help us. Sorry won't protect us. Sorry won't undo all the good gone wrong, my love.

-I'm Ok By Myself (2007)

-Now this might surprise you, but I find I'm ok by myself. And I don't need you, or your morality to save me.

-Now this might disturb you, but I find I'm ok by myself, and I don't need you or your benevolence to make sense.

-After all these years I find I'm ok by myself. And I don't need you, or your homespun philosophy. No, no, no, no...This might make you throw up in your bed: I'm ok by myself! And I don't need you, and I never have, I never have.

-Forgive Someone (2010-2014)

-Use a weapon of words, or a fight with your fists. But can you forgive someone? Stand your ground and persist, and be the last one to blink - but can you forgive someone? And if you do...I'll run to you. Betray you? With a word? I would slit my own throat first of all, I will. The black peat of the hills...when I was still ill. See this mess and forgive someone, and then recall if you can...how all this even began.

-Our truth will die with me. Our truth will die with me...Shorts and supports and faulty shower heads. At track and field we dreamt of our beds. In the bleachers you sit with your legs spread, smiling: "Here's one thing you'll never have." Our truth will die with me.

-Home is a Question Mark (written 2003, released 2017)

-I hug the land but nothing more, because I haven't met you. I've wined and I've dined with every bogus music mogul. No sign of you.

-I have been brave. Deep in every shaven cave. None were you.

-If I ever find home...if I get there, would you meet me? Wrap your legs around my face just to greet me.

-My Love, I'd Do Anything for You (possibly?) (2017)

-My love, I'd do anything for you. Society's hell. You need me just like I need you.

-You know me well. My love, I'd do anything for you.

-We all go our own ways, separately in the same direction, and here am I every night of my life always missing someone. I'd like to be rotted out just before I become aware of the pain. The more I wish in my heart for someone less likely they come.

-Never Again Will I Be A Twin (2017) (Possibly?)

-Never again will I be a twin. The operation went well, but the patient died. Never again will there be a smile to wipe off my face once it's too much. In a twin-like realm, in the plastic arts of falling in love, what a joke that was. What a joke that was.

-Darling, I Hug A Pillow (2020)

-Darling, I hug a pillow in absence of you. Darling, I hug a pillow to replace your face. Loving you is a trauma no one else should face, or sit still for. Why can't you give me some physical love?

-Darling, you will cry for me in the years to come. In the hope of a moment that cannot return...thankfully. Why can't you bring figs all pulpy and moist? Roasted in passion and salty in voice? No longer keeping a secret of your secret place.

#And some songs I just can't pin down #Like I'm still not sure on You're Gonna Need Someone On Your Side #Or Dear God Please Help Me #Anyways #Moz out here like I will make my obsession with this man my whole career #This man will be turning on a radio for 40 years and still be hearing songs about himself #What a vibe #And then just think about songs we have titles of but no final lyric #The song titled Angie #Or the song titled I Don't Want Us to Finish #How much has this man written about his boyfriend #And then the entirety of List of the Lost #Good gosh #Marrissey

[casanovawrites]

random sentence prompts  ━ from various tv shows, part 8

it’s hard to figure out where you fit in. 

it’s not so easy for me to make friends. i’m not cool like you.

you’re making it really hard for me to be mad at you right now.

it was my fault. i made a mess of it.

something dreadful is about to happen.

high school is the best your life was ever going to get.

you’re gonna leave here thinking that you need to worry about me, but you’re wrong.

we did so much fucked up shit out there. and yeah, maybe it was to survive. maybe. but i don’t think we deserved to.

if you’re done crying, i can tell you some stories.

you sound like you’re about to snap someone in half with that tongue of yours. 

what are you saying, i’m not innocent?

i don’t want to be something you have to learn to live with.

you know me. i don’t always listen.

you are my ghost story.

i know you don’t think you’re strong enough, but that’s not true.

it’s family. there’s always an explosion. 

someone like you, you seem serious. i’m not sure i’m ready for serious.

understand that i love you, but i will not be waiting up for you.

i spent a long time feeling like i wasn’t enough, and i don’t want to do that anymore.

what about you and me against the world? you and me in the world.

you think i’m lonely?

your job is cooler than mine.

stop smiling, i’m kicking your ass.

i’m chasing ghosts. long story.

you’re itching for a fight.

your neck, it’s bleeding.

there’s “packing away” and there’s “throwing away.”

this is what i get for disobeying your orders.

do you wanna die? answer me. do you wanna die?

you can’t put all your feelings in a box.

we’re actually back on the same side.

if what matters to you most is how other people see you, then you haven’t learned a damn thing.

you think pain is weakness?

why are you worried about a lack of trauma?

we're finally hot, at least according to me.

with them, it’s always two steps forward, then get stabbed in the back.

i crack myself open for 50 minutes, walk out feeling like i was hit by a bus.

i kissed someone. or, they kissed me.

i don’t want to keep on making the same mistakes.

you’re family. it’s what we do. we look out for each other.

are you going to come back?

i don’t have anywhere else to go. you made sure of that.

you were worth the wait.

i guess now i know all your secrets. 

don’t make it weird. i love you.

i’d hate for things to get messy again.

talk about your dumb luck.

it doesn’t matter. you always come first.

why is it your job to take those risks?

i’m saying, i love you. and i want you to quit. 

it was a big deal to me. you saved my life.

the truth is worth everything.

don’t settle for being half of anything. go out there and do something that allows you to be 100% you.

people go away. i don’t want to miss anyone else.

people go away. and it’s sad and it hurts. but you know, not everyone goes away forever. sometimes they come back.

i know what it’s like to be stuck inside the worst part of your life.

no offense, but you’re never the one getting left behind. you’re the one who leaves.

now it’s time for me to figure out who i am without you.

you are like, out of control. 

you know i’m really in love with you, right?

if today can be a good day, maybe tomorrow can, too. 

i already feel like a fool. i don’t need the rest of the world to know the joke.

everyone wants to save the world, they just disagree on how.

i wonder if anyone survived.

i’m not usually the “take it easy” type.

do you ever want something good to happen? a really good thing?

there are no answers here.

your type is losers.

one nightmare isn’t necessarily a reason for concern.

that’s not why i came. i’m only here for you, in case you needed me.

i have walked through fire every single day of my life because of you.

you're so hot when you talk shit like that.

it’s all a goddamn prison anyway.

you want a natural disaster? look no further than my life.

i haven’t felt it in years, and it feels wonderful. but it also feels fucking terrifying.

if i’m repressing things i don’t know about, i’m very okay with never figuring it out.

you should be ashamed.

i love you. and as long as i know you feel the same, i can say it enough for the both of us.

i feel a lot of things when i’m with you. happy, safe, a million other things that i can’t explain right now. but i do feel all of that for you.

i’m not pushing anyone away. i’m taking steps back.

home isn’t a place, it’s a people.

all you’ve got out there is your instincts.

love me anyway.

i don’t think good things are gonna happen to me anymore.

sometimes the hardest part is going home by yourself, being alone with all that quiet.

if it’s meant to be, they’ll find their way home.

no one gets under their daughter’s skin like a mom.

i’m not ashamed. i’m glad i’m alive, just like you are.

you’re a good person. you really don’t belong in this place.

life isn’t a science experiment. you can’t control your world forever.

do you ever get tired of winning? or being the fucking worst?

you two together, you are unstoppable.

so who’s gonna die today? you? or me?

hey, you’re back. are you back…?

i know you’re afraid of people leaving you.

i’m afraid that i’m never going to feel normal again.

#ask meme #rp sentence prompts #meme #sentence prompts #sentence starters #ask prompts #*

[mcufan72]

Cold winter days, a lonely woman on a bench, a stranger in the park...

An Encounter in Winter ❄️

Loki and female reader

Chapter 15

Chapter 14

18+/adult themes/talking/flirting/slow burn/ fluff/angst/smut

Warnings: implied smut, some sweet soft smut, doubt and self-doubt, some answers and new questions

"Are you sure you don't know that person, Snowflake?"

"Yeah, I couldn't even figure out if it's a man or a woman… I'm just glad the girl is back in her dad's or mum's arms," and you watched them leaving the park.

"Snowflake, I'm truly concerned…what if someone tries to harm you?"

"Lo, why should someone want that?"

"I don't know. You tell me."

"Please, stop dramatizing it, Lo. Maybe that person thought they knew me and just wanted to find out if it was like this or not. And I stick to "not". I'm sure it was just a case of mistaken identity. Let's go back to the hotel, Lo. I'd like to spend a cosy last evening with you."

You wrapped your arm around his waist, buried your hand in the back pocket of his stone-grey tight-fitting jeans and Loki slung his arm around your shoulder. He loved that you wore your sleeveless flower dress today so his fingers could touch and caress your bare skin. Loki took a deep breath and looked sceptically at you. He wasn't sure what to think about this whole situation. He didn't want this wonderful free time and these holidays to end but now he just wanted to bring you back home safely. Tomorrow you two would be on your flight back home to New York and somehow he was glad about it.

"You've been so sweet with the little girl. It seemed she liked you."

"If you say so… and yes, she was a cutie, and she seemed curious and… impressed?"

"She definitely liked the fireworks you had conjured for her, Lo …I liked them too," you said softly.

"Mmhhhh, I can conjure other fireworks for you, my love," he purred like an amorous tomcat and nudged his nose against your cheek.

"I'd love that, baby," you giggled.

"If we ever decide to have children, I just want to have them with you, Lo. You'll definitely be a good dad."

You turned your head towards him and his soft gaze met yours.

"Do you still think that? You can't know that. Maybe I won't be a good dad," he answered with sad eyes.

"Do you think I'd be a good mum?" you asked him demandingly.

"You'll be the best mum in the nine realms and you…what?"

You couldn't stop chuckling.

"How can you know that Lo baby?" you questioned him, a big grin on your face.

"Okay, okay, I'm already quiet but… sometimes my insecurities make an appearance again. Sorry, my love."

"Don't be, Lo. You have me now to make them disappear again," and you pecked a gentle kiss on his cheek, a shy smile curving his mouth.

It seems you were a better magician than him because you always did the right things for him and made him immediately feel better again.

"That little girl reminds me of my sister."

"How come and why?" He asked you bewildered.

"When we were children and out on the playground or a little trip she tended to run away to more exciting places. She…didn't really run away, I always knew where she was. For us, it was fun and just a game but for our mother, it had been a catastrophe… every single time," you laughed.

"You had been very naughty girls, you and your sister. Scaring your mum to death was not nice, Snowflake," he stated with a teasing undertone.

"Says the god of mischief," you teased him back playfully, " and…Had been? I'm still naughty, Sir…but nowadays only for you," you said chirping and with your hand, you gave his ass cheek a firm squeeze.

"And I appreciate it, my Lady," he hummed in response and kissed your lips promisingly.

Once back in the hotel he would want you underneath him as soon as possible and fuck the naughtiness out of you. Would his addiction to you ever get less? Hopefully not …and he felt how your heartbeat quickened in sheer anticipation.

"When we're back home, we will try to find your sister, okay? I haven't forgotten the promise I gave you. You still miss her, don't you?"

"Sure, I do." you said thoughtfully. "I hope we find her, Lo."

"We will, I'm sure, my love," and he kissed you tenderly.

"Please don't you ever run away again! I was scared, honeybee. You must stay with me, I can't lose my baby!"

"I didn't run away, I wanted to see the fairies and…and…I needed to see if they live between the yellow rose petals," the little girl tried to explain her excursion.

"There are no fairies, my little honeybee and you can't run away from the playground without coming to me first and telling me that you want to go somewhere else, okay?"

"I'm sorry…I'll never do it again, I promise," she said quietly and her voice was full of guilt.

"It's alright, honeybee I'm just glad that nothing happened to you and that I have you back… did you talk to the woman? And what about the man who knelt in front of you? I saw it from afar when I was looking for you."

"I didn't talk to them, I know I mustn't talk to strangers. The woman was nice and soooo pretty, her name was y/n and the man was a wizard!"

"Honeybee, there are no wizards…"

"He.Was.A.Wizard! And his name was…was…his name was Loki," she pouted and crossed her small arms.

"I've told you too many fairy tales, I guess."

"He was a wizard and sooo nice to me. He made funny lights and sparkles in his palm… the pink ones I liked the most!"

"Oh, honeybee you have way too much imagination. What was the woman's name again?"

"Her name was Y/n."

"Uh hm …come, let's hit home, honeybee."

"Can I have pancakes for dinner?"

"Of course, honeybee, we make pancakes for dinner."

"Yes yes, pancakes," she cheered, clapping her hands. "And he was a wizard," she whispered to herself.

When you were back at the hotel you two got quickly rid of your clothes. Loki carried you to the bed, never loosening his grip around your waist and giving you demanding kisses. He laid you down into the cushions with him on top of you, your hands roaming over the toned muscles of his back. You felt his veiny pulsating cock sliding into your dripping wet cunt and you enjoyed his weight on you and the feeling of his soft skin on yours. Loki gave you slow and deep strokes and held your hand the whole time. He whispered sweet nothings into your ear and you told him again and again how much you loved him.

He made the sweetest, deepest love to you and it didn't take you long to cum around his throbbing length. Loki insisted on making you orgasm one more time before he wanted to find his release in the velvety warmth of your cunt which convulsed about his cock. When his passion overtook him he spent his seed deep inside you, with a low moan until you were dripping. As much as he loved rough sex, the slow lovemaking made him always feel safe and content. And this time he felt so close to you.

Tonight his incredible tenderness and how he looked into your eyes while making sweet love to you, made you cry. He kissed your tears away and after many more love confessions, you took a shower together and had a last dinner at the hotel's restaurant. Later, when you both went to bed again, you snuggled into him and before you fell asleep in each other's arms, you made a decision. Never before have you been more convinced.

Back in New York, day-to-day life had you two in its claws again, sooner than you had expected. Bruce and you had so much work to do in the lab, intensive biological and theoretical studies and tons of paperwork. In this case, it means all of your research results had to be fed to the computer files and systems. Loki and the other Avengers had to go on new missions, shorter ones and longer ones and Loki's and your wonderful holiday slowly faded into a beautiful memory.

One afternoon, when the Avengers were on a new mission again, you took a break from work to have a cup of tea and met Jane in the compound's kitchen. You two have become friends since she lived here too. Things between her and Thor have become more serious and so she decided to move in with Thor. The fact that Jane and you got along with each other well was also a blessing for Loki and Thor. The two brothers were closer together than ever before and both appreciated it.

You hadn't had much time talking to each other since you and Loki had returned from the holidays so you were happy to meet her now and have a little chit-chat with her. You also had a feeling there was some news she wanted to tell you because a few days ago you had spotted a ring on her left hand.

"Hey, Jane, so good to see you!"

"Hey, y/n, it feels like it has been ages since we last met, right?"

"Yeah, I've been so busy since we returned. I'm already stressed again," you laughed and you two hugged each other.

"How are you doing?" you asked her, pouring some tea in a mug. "Fancy a cuppa?"

"Oh, yes please. I don't feel well today."

"Why? What happened, dear?"

"I miss Thor," she answered sadly.

"Oh, yes I understand … I miss Loki terribly."

"I have gotta feeling that something has happened to them…"

For a short moment, you leaned back at the kitchen counter, closed your eyes, and listened to your heartbeat. It was strong, steady, and calm. And there was something like a second voice or a bass line in a choir; strong, steady, and calm…Loki's heartbeat. You opened your eyes again and smiled at her. With teary eyes, Jane looked quizzically at you.

"They're alright Jane, Thor is fine, " you told her calmly.

"How do you know that?"

"I can feel it," you explained.

"You can feel it? What can you feel? I mean, … how?"

"I'm bonded with Loki and somehow I…I just can feel it when I listen to my heart. It's just there."

"Wow, that's awesome. Are you… are you already immortal like him and like Thor?"

"No. Are you?"

"No, neither. I'm still unsure…"

"But…you're engaged already, aren't you?" and you smiled brightly at her and pointed to the ring on the ring finger of her left hand. It was a wonderful brightly shining ruby and diamond ring. "Congratulations!"

"Ohhh, yesss…thank you. We're very happy."

"And I'm happy for you two, dear! I hope it was a romantic day when Thor proposed to you."

"Very romantic, as romantic as Thor can be but yes, he was cute and extremely nervous. The ring fell on the floor twice before he placed it on my finger. He was so afraid I could refuse him," Jane said and giggled with reddened cheeks.

"What about you and Loki? When did he propose to you in Norway? Ohh it must've been so romantic …"

"He didn't propose to me, neither in Norway nor in London," you said quietly and looked at her with questioningly raised eyebrows.

"Oh, aahhmm it's just… Thor meant…"

"What did Thor mean?"

"Oh..nothing, sweetie, nothing. Forget it, forget my question. I'm sorry…"

With a frowning forehead, you questioned yourself if there was something she knew and you didn't. Did Loki want to propose to you in Norway and if so, why didn't he do it? Everything seemed fine during the vacation and you were convinced that you had done nothing wrong. You wouldn't get an answer right now. It seemed you just had to wait until Loki came back. And a proposal or not, nothing could change your deep love for him. Maybe you were a bit disappointed right now but you still loved your pretty alien King.

Jane was slightly irritated and maybe she should've kept her big mouth shut but she clearly remembered what Thor had told her. He recited what Loki said to him before you and Loki headed to Norway:

'This gorgeous woman, who owns my heart, deserves a very special marriage proposal and a wonderful wedding.'

Maybe they shouldn't have assumed Loki would ask you in Norway to marry him. But it seemed to be the perfect place to do it.

"I'm really sorry, y/n. I should've kept my mouth shut."

"Don't worry, Jane. Everything is fine," and you smiled reassuringly at her.

"Did you ever think about eating Idun's apple, y/n?"

"No, never because this is not my path to get the same kind of immortality as Loki."

"It's not?"

"No. As you know Loki isn't Asgardian by birth so I have to do it the Jotun way."

"And… What is the Jotun way?" she asked curiously.

"We're already bonded and we're already one body, one soul and one heartbeat. The last step is to become one blood."

"Wow. Are you afraid of doing it? I mean, it's such a big step, a life-changing decision."

"I'm not afraid of it, I just thought about if there would be something I had to abandon because of my then prolonged life span… but I don't have a family anymore, I just have Loki and my love for him is endless… and then finally it was an easy decision to make."

"Yeah, that makes sense, I've the same thoughts as you… we would have each other then, you and I gossiping forever and ever," she said and you two laughed in unison.

"Wouldn't that be great?" You asked her.

"Absolutely fantastic!" Jane agreed with you.

"Just take your time, Jane. Speak with Thor about it again…and everything will be fine."

After some more chit-chat and exchanging some more of the newest gossip, you returned to the lab. The day's work still wasn't done yet.

A few days later you had the opportunity to take the afternoon off. First of all, you strolled through the park and after that you sat on your and Loki's bench for a while, watching the people and the scenery. It was late summer already and the beginning of autumn was near. Some leaves of the trees were already slowly changing their colours and you looked forward to cosy autumn afternoons. You would sit together with your lover in front of the crackling fireplace and hold each other's hands or you would sit on the sofa, snuggled up into each other under his fluffy black blanket, you and Loki preferably naked, while drinking hot chocolate.

Loki, the love of your life, owner of your heart. You sighed heavily while you thought of him and felt how much you loved and missed him right now. Soon he would be back from the mission and you could hardly wait for him to take you in his strong arms again. You missed his kisses and touches, his scent, his voice, you missed talking to him and cuddling him and of course, you missed the feeling of him buried deep inside of you and his soft skin on yours, his moans and sighs when you caressed him and scratched his scalp, twirling the curls of his black mane around your fingers.

You craved endlessly for him, it almost caused physical pain. You were sad and a bit disappointed when Pepper told you yesterday that she got a message from the team that they would need two more days because of a special mission they were asked to take care of before they could return to New York. You knew that something like this could happen at any time but still, you just wanted Loki to come back to you as soon as possible.

And Loki knew how much you missed him because he missed you terribly as well. He had problems falling asleep without you in his arms. He missed the warmth of your beautiful body, your soft skin on his. He missed spooning you the whole night and the deep and funny conversations you often have before falling asleep. He missed your gaze at him, your plump lips on his, your hands buried in his hair, tugging lovingly at it. He craved you desperately and he wanted nothing more than to return to you as soon as possible. But this special mission was extremely important and he truly pitied that he had to make you wait for him for two more days.

He had recorded a voice mail for you and Pepper had sent it to your phone. You inserted your earphones and listened to his message for the umpteenth time now but his deep smooth and calming voice eased your desperate wait for him.

"Hello, my love, my pretty Snowflake, my precious Queen. Do you miss me? When this message reaches you, you are probably asleep by now. I can tell you, it's not easy for me to fall asleep without you in my arms and I can't wait for the day when you sling your arms around me again. To have you not by my side is torture…and you've no idea what naughty things I'll do to you when I'm back… can't tell you more right now, too many curious listeners around me and what I want to tell you is destined for your ears only. I miss you, darling, I miss you terribly and I can't wait to see your face and your beautiful smile again. Think of me, my love, never forget to stroll daily through the park and sit on our bench. Think of me then, dream of me like I dream of you. Don't forget me, my love, and promise me that you eat and drink properly every day! And trust me I'll recognise it if you don't! Take good care of yourself my sweet darling and wait for me. I'm back soon, I promise. I love you, Snowflake."

A smile curved your lips and you pressed your phone to your chest. He had no idea how much his message comforted you. Before you headed back to Stark Tower you visited your favourite bookstore. You haven't been there for a long time now and today you wanted to have a look at some newly published novels and crime stories. You also wanted to buy a small gift for Loki, maybe a book about myths and legends in ancient times. You weren't sure but you would find something for him. Also, you felt the need to talk to him as soon as possible.

After the conversation with Jane, you had been absolutely sure about your final decision. You wanted to be his blood, you wanted eternity together with him. You wanted to ask him to bring you to Jotunheim so you could have the ritual and after that, you would be completely and irreversibly his and he would be yours, united in this unique bonding he had created with you. You already had a considerable number of books stored in your arms while you still strolled through the bookstore. The staple of books in one arm, you flipped through a book for vintage style for apartments when you felt someone standing behind you. Before you could think further if you maybe blocked someone's way, the person addressed you.

"I finally found you!"

You turned around, jumped and all the books you had stored on your arm, fell rumbling to the floor. Your face went pale and you felt the person's hand grabbing your forearm and you saw the tattoo that adorned the hand. You looked upwards into the person's eyes and you couldn't believe whose eyes they were.

"Josephine!" You said, hoarsely and shocked and you stared into your sister's face, which you hadn't seen for nearly two years now.

🫢🫢🫢🫢🥲🫢🫢🫢🫢🥲🫢🫢🫢🫢🥲🫢🫢

Taglist:

@lokisprettygirl @wheredafandomat @anukulee @stupidthoughtsinwriting @fictive-sl0th @lokixryss @smolvenger @lovingchoices14 @huntress-artemiss @obscureenigmatic

#loki #loki x female reader #loki x reader #loki x you #loki x reader fluff #loki laufeyson #loki x reader fic #loki x reader angst #loki x reader smut #loki x female reader angst #jotun loki x reader #loki x fem!reader #loki x female reader smut #jotun loki x female reader #loki x female reader fluff #loki x female reader au #loki laufeyson x female reader

[jinnis-stuff]

HUMAN DAUGHTER OF MUZAN (Y/n) WHO DEVELOPED CLOSE RELATIONSHIP AND SPEND TIME WITH THE UPPER MOONS+RUI

Gyutaro Edition:

Hantengu Edition:

(This is pretty short)

(Y/n) was playing in the infinity castle before she overheard some murmuring noises in the hallway. At that moment, she spotted Hantengu whimpering and shivering in the corner.

She approached him and offered him a handkerchief. "Please don't cry" those were her comforting words.

"I... I don't want to cry... It's only that nobody appreciates the pain I've been through... What? Why are you so nice?" he replied. He only gripped the handkerchief simply because he didn't seem to know what to do with it.

When she noticed what he did, she took the handkerchief from his grasp and tiptoed to wipe his tears. "Everything will be okay"

"It's just, I'm so lonely... I have no friends and it upsets me." Once more, he displayed sadness. Right then, he didn't appear to be a demon. A miserable young boy who has been misunderstood far too frequently to count.

"We can be friends. So please don't cry anymore" she wiped his tears again. She was the first to utter those words to him. Being friends with such a good-hearted young girl is an honor for him.

"R... R-Really..? You'd be friends with me? Thank you for that. You're Muzan-sama's daughter, right?" (Y/n) just nodded.

"You're papa's upper moon right?" she asked. "Yes, that's right. I'm the Upper Moon Number Four" He smiled while explaining himself.

(Y/n)'s eyes sparkled. "Wow, you must be strong" she giggled. "Well... Yes. I would say I'm pretty strong compared to normal demons. I can fight other demon slayers." He boasted somewhat, smiling at her.

"Can I count on you? Will we be friends forever?" He is eager to see how this would turn out since he never had a true friend. "I would love to" she giggled once more. He was glad to hear that.

Hantengu overflowing her with questions about how she gotten to be Muzan's daughter while, in fact, she is a human, and about Muzan's role as a father in her life. (Y/n) spilled everything truthfully.

"Hantengu-san, now that we're friends that means that I can do this" she snuggled to hug him. "H... Huh? You're hugging me!?" He flinched at the unexpected display of affection, but he didn't object when (Y/n) hugged him. He didn't push her away and seemed to enjoy being hugged.

"Don't cry anymore, okay?" she pleased. "Y... You're right, okay. From now on, I won't cry, thanks to you and your kindness, I just... I just never expected to meet someone like you..." (Y/n) wiped some of his tears that left on his cheeks.

"Hey... Can I call you (Y/n) -chan?" the little girl granted his request.

Considering the often gloomy and unhappy Hantengu, he looked seemingly happy. Hantengu is beginning to believe that their friendship will be wonderful.

"If you ever cry again, I'll wipe away your tears and your fears" she smiled. "Heh... I will try my best not to cry (Y/n)-chan, I promise..." He retrieved (Y/n)'s handkerchief and made an attempt to wipe away the remainder of his teardrops from the corners of his eyes. He proceeded to give her another hug.

The small girl has received overly protection from Hantengu's clones ever since.

Bonus:

How Hantengu's clones would react if someone bullies (Y/n)?

Sekido:

The little footsteps on the floor could be heard, and the door was slowly opening to reveal the light of a lamp and a tapping of a child's feet. A little, adorable voice then captured Sekido's attention.

Sekido swiftly turned his head in the direction of the voice and spotted Muzan's little daughter. He stood up and went towards her. “Oh, what do we have here?” he asked.

(Y/n) looked down and sniffled. Sekido knelt down in front of her and displayed her the usual angry face. “What is it now?”

"The kids at the park broke Hantengu's gift for me" she explained and sniffled once more, attempting to hold back her tears. "What?! they did?!"

Sekido had no intention of allowing some foolish children to get away with it. Sekido lifted the little girl and put her on his shoulders “Alright, where are they?” After hearing the little girl's response, he got up and headed towards the park.

“No one can hurt this little angel… No one!!” he yelled.

When they finally arrived at the park, Sekido stopped moving and glared at the children there, who were playing and laughing in a circle.

He hurried over to them when he saw them, the small girl still on his shoulders, and knelt down in front of kids. “What have you all done to my little angel?” his voice seemed more furious than usual.

There was a hint of fear in the children's eyes as they stared at Sekido. In responsible for Muzan's daughter, he was a vengeful and annoyed demon. “I asked you all what have you done to my little angel?” his tone got louder. Sekido sounded threatening…

Sekido clearly frightened these kids significantly more than before. Now that they were basically avoiding eye contact as much as they could, some of them found it difficult to control their emotions and simply wanted to cry.

The children, after hearing Sekido’s voice getting louder went completely still, their eyes widened and without thinking they started to run away.

“Come back children!” Sekido started to chase them, being faster than they were, was quite easy for a demon like him.

He beat them and broke a few bones as a form of punishment.

The kids replaced the gift that they had broken and apologized to (Y/N) the following day.

Karaku:

Kids pushed (Y/n) as a prank. So he tortured them.... as a prank.

Zohakuten:

He killed them no hesitation.

(Author: Sorry if this is too short and I didn't put the other clones)

#demon slayer #anime fanfic #demon slayer muzan #kimetsu no yaiba muzan #muzan x you #hantengu #kny headcanons #kny x reader #knyedit #kny #hantengu x reader #fluff #anime fluff #upper moons #kimetsu no yaiba #kimetsu anime #lord muzan #kawaii #platonic

[selamat-linting]

so anyway, there used to be this girl staying in one of the rooms our neighbor rented. lets call her F. one day F had to move and instead she stayed at my old house. i was too young for my mom to explain why but over the years i managed to connect the dots on my own. she got pregnant out of wedlock, her mom doesnt approve of her relationship and its not like the guy is eager on taking responsibility anyway. abortion is illegal here. and i guess somewhere along the way she had to lose her job?

anyway, F was living at my mom's place for a few weeks. i was a severe insomniac even as a kid and its nice to have someone to play with when i couldnt sleep. we watched animal documentaries and she taught me how to play board games like monopoly. during those days, she liked to talk about her siblings. especially this one girl who is a bit younger than me. F said she was a tomboy, and has always been a good, easy kid even in the womb. you see, when her mom was pregnant with her sister, they went through some marital problems that forced her mom to start working again. F was grateful her sister didnt make her mom sick so much and she was never a particularly fussy baby.

one day, F gathered the courage to see her mom again. she took me to her house. we met her little sister. at first i thought she was a boy, until i saw that she's wearing a necklace. it was the girl F liked to talk about. and she told me to play with her sister.

so we set off. this girl, lets call her C, she told me all of her favorite play spots. we walked around the fish market by the sea, we played in this park that used to be an old training ground for the military, it was amazing. i was ten or eleven years old at the time, and i thought C was the coolest girl alive. she could walk through an obstacle course without struggling, she knows how to fish, and she went on adventures almost every day. all i had going for me was that im good at browsing the internet and playing video games.

i wondered why C didnt have other kids waiting right by the door just to play with her. she was nice. definitely nicer than the ones i see at school. but then when we're in the middle of walking back, a bunch of kids saw us together and they start calling us a lesbian. C's cheery demeanor drops a bit and when i turned my head, she told me to just keep walking and ignore them. i remember feeling like i had to say something but i just didnt know what. years later, i think i know what kid me wanted to say, but by then it was too late.

anyway, we played again some more, and went back to her house. i promised next time we see each other its gonna be my turn to show her my stomping grounds (the internet). i ate dinner at their place, and F gave me a ride home. that was the last time i ever saw her.

okay no, not really. we met again. F decide to send the baby up for adoption to a relative of her ex-boyfriend. it was really sad. she couldnt stop crying. but after that, she seems to recover. at least she got herself a new job, a new place to stay, and the problem was over. on eid, she brought C at my house. yeah, C wore boy clothes on eid too. i was a bit envious of her ngl. we went on an arcade, met a kid who beg on the road outside the mall and she spent such a long time talking with them. i think C almost cried. she was a good kid. And then we played with toy guns, and C pranked a woman walking besides us by whistling at her. it was kinda mean ngl.

but thats it. there's no grand resolution. or any answer if F get to see her baby again one day. i went to middle school and liked another girl. F's visit got rarer and rarer and eventually become none as my mom moved out of our old house. with her gone, so as my continued friendship with C. we dont really have personal phone numbers as a kid and i cant find her on facebook.

when i was working at my first job, whenever i get terribly lonely, i'd get on a bus and stop around the fish market we used to hang out at. i walked by the bridge where she used to fish, near a row of stilt houses perched on top of the sea. it was almost like a pilgrimage. i hoped i'll came across C while walking around, or that i'll remember the way to get to her house. no such luck. pretty sure i'll never see her again, but i do wish her well. who knows man, maybe she'll taught me how to fish for the first time. i might know fish facts but i dont know shit about catching them.

#posts about my life #if she took me fishing she had to be the one hooking the bait on my gear #because im too squeamish to ever touch worms. ew! yuck!

[autumsstuff]

Philophobia

This story is about how y/n is afraid to fall in love, and along the way funds into an old friend

Y/n? Is that you? I've been looking for you for an eternity..

*he says getting closer and hiding his hands inside his pockets, looking a little down*

my siblings are annoying the fuck out of me, im glad you're there.

*he doesn't look kind, but he tries his best not to be too rude*

Looking for me? It’s not how I remember it.*she says not believing his bull shit*

*he looks at you with a slightly worried look, trying to remember something*

you don't remember that day?

*he says trying to act surprised, although he knows damn what you're talking about*

You tried to kill me *she laughs sarcastically*

*he rolls his eyes because he heard that a lot of times already*

well, yes that happened, but the past it's the past..

*he says as he looks away from you, it's like he's trying to forget that ever happened*

What do you want? *she sounds impatient*

*his face turns more serious*

...a favor

*she nodes her head back* there it is…. What do you need?

*he pulls a pocket watch from his coat, and gives it to her*

you see... I'm looking for someone, and I'm running out of time. This watch will take you to the person I'm looking for, you just need to wind it.

*he gets closer, and looks at her waiting for her answer*

What’s in it for me?

*he stays close to you, not willing to take a step back*

You will get what you want the most, you'll get what you deserve. I'd say that's a good deal.

*he smiles*

Oh..and what is it that **i** want hargreeves

*he looks at you, still smiling*

if I knew exactly what YOU wanted the most right now, I would tell you.

*he pauses, thinking for a second*

but I believe it could be... Love. love is what you deserve, y/n.

*she rolls her eyes and looks back* I gave that up along time ago…

*he still smiles, trying not to look upset from what you just said*

not according to my calculations...

What **are** your calculations

*he doesn't hesitate*

that you still long for that feeling... the feeling of being wanted and appreciated by someone.

but you gave up on it? that's just so sad y/n. not for me, though.

*he says without taking a step back*

How so

*he steps closer*

...because you look lonely. and I'm alone too. you know... we're not so different, are we?

We are nothing alike

*he leans to one side, giving you a cocky grin*

or are you trying to suppress something you want deep down?

I don’t follow?

*he looks you in the eyes, still smiling*

you're so good at looking unbothered, at looking like you don't care about anything...

*he stays silent for a second, watching carefully your reaction*

but i know better.

I’m sure I don’t know what you mean, you forget yourself (Hamilton reference)

*he raises an eyebrow, but gets even closer*

you'd be surprised at what i know... Y/n.

You are?

*he looks at you*

I can see it on your face... just be real with me... why can't you just enjoy a little company?

*he places his hand on your shoulder, waiting for your response.*

*she moves his hand away and backs up* I’ll help you… but you have to promise me one thing

*he stares at you, wondering what you could possibly need, and still smiles*

...what is the one thing you want?

Stop acting like you care about me…. Because no one does…deal

*his smile turns a little sad, but he doesn't show much of a reaction*

...deal.

*he hands you the watch*

 *she takes it* now who am I looking for?

*he clears his throat in order to stop himself from saying anything rude*

you're looking for our sibling, Klaus. he's at an hospital in New York, he was... attacked by someone.

Is he alright…*Sounding worried about her friend*

 *his smile comes back, as he speaks in a way more kind voice than before*

...you seem worried...

yes, Klaus is okay, he just needs someone to be near him.

*she shakes her worried expression speak and telling her eyes she still cares* you got it

*he smiles and places both of his hands inside his pockets*

thank you Y/n... you've been very helpful indeed.

*he nods, still smiling*

 I’ll let you know when I’ve collected him

*he leans in a bit more, still smiling*

...y/n? there's something else...

What *she turns to face him*

*he looks at your eyes, and his smile fades a little*

you said that no one cares, right?

Yea what about it

*he keeps looking at your eyes, trying to see any sign of hesitation*

...I care about you, y/n.

Don’t…don’t do that

*he watches your reaction, trying to understand what you mean*

...don't...don't what?

Don’t act like you understand…don’t act like you care..

*his smile fades away as he watches your attitude*

...there it is.

there's pain beneath those sad eyes.

*he looks down, thinking for a second before speaking in a more quiet voice*

...Y/n, what happened to you?

*she raises her hand in a grading way closeting her eyes* just…don’t

*he places his hand on yours, grabbing your wrist*

don't what? don't give you the company you long for?

*he stares you in the eyes once again, and raises an eyebrow*

...y/n, you don't have to be alone.

Don’t give me…hope

*his hand is still holding yours, as he looks deeply into your eyes*

...don't you want to have a little bit of hope?

Hope leads to heartbreak and I don’t need that again

*he smiles, leaning in once again*

...y/n...

hope can lead to love.

and if you need proof of that.... look at me, I'm here for you.

That’s what you don’t understand five **love** does not exist…. I grew up learning about these fairytales and true love, but it doesn’t exist. At least not for me it doesn’t….it it never ends well when I let my guard down…I can’t go through that not **again**

*he looks at you, his smile slowly returning*

Y/n...

*he pauses for a second, not willing to interrupt your sentences, but it's obvious that he's eager to speak*

...I grew up hoping for love too. but as I grew older and older... I realized that people let me down...

*he lets go of your wrist, and then stares you in the eyes again*

...but that doesn't mean it won't happen. don't be afraid of love. be afraid of not trying.

I can’t…

*he grabs your wrist again, and looks at you with a warm smile*

...I'm not going to force you to do anything, y/n.

but i will say that... i care about you.

*he pauses for a moment*

...that's why I'm not going to stop trying to convince you...

There is nothing that you can show me

*a small frown comes to his face*

are you sure about that, y/n?

*he pauses*

...i could give you everything you want...

*her eyes open in surprise as she is caught off guard, but the surprise quickly fades away as she kisses him back*

*she wraps her arms around his neck, pulling him a little closer as if she’s afraid of letting him go again*

*she deepens the kiss for a few seconds and then rests she forehead against his*

...y/n...

THANK YOU SOOO MUCH FOR READING LET ME KNOW IF YOU LOVE IT!

#fanfic #reader insert #lovers #five hargreeves

[slashyrogue]

Will doesn't know why he's here.

The teachers' conference had been postponed seven times in the past year, mostly because no one wanted to be stuck in Alaska listening to speakers telling them things they already knew.

Not even if they got paid.

He'd declined the last few years, mostly using the dogs as an excuse, but when Bev got sick just before the new dates changed to Christmas week she volunteered to watch his pack.

"Bev..."

"Go, Will," she said, coughing, "Go away from this sad house, get drunk, and maybe make a few friends out of your coworkers."

Will reluctantly agrees to go, despite being one of only four who said yes, and flied to Alaska with Gregory, Edgar, and Elisa all of which are in their late sixties to seventies and teach Shop, Gym, Math, and Home Economics while him being the lone science teacher made them all look at him oddly.

So now he's stuck, mostly alone, but in a very nice resort with people he has no desire to talk to.

Not a great Christmas week for him.

The second day had been a chore, long and boring the entire time, so now as he sat down by the fire he only hoped no one came to talk to him.

"Is this seat taken?"

Will looked up, ready to say yes, and blinked his cheeks turning red.

"I...um...no?"

The man that sat down beside him was dressed to the nines, his clothes so expensive looking that Will was sure he didn't belong here, and as he sipped from his mug Will was at a loss for words. He stared at him out of the corner of his eye, unable to stop, and wondered just where the most handsome man he'd ever seen had been hiding the last two days.

"Are you enjoying the conference?"

Will blinked. "What?"

The man smiled at him. "The conference," he repeated, his accent making Will's stomach flip, "Are you enjoying yourself?"

Will blushed. "I...um..."

He sipped his mug, still eyeing Will, who then let out a long sigh.

"No, no, not at all," he said, laughing, "If I have to listen to one more old man tell me that 'kids these days' need nothing but a sharp paddle I think I might stab someone."

The man laughed. "Yes, I....I agree. I just had to run from another group of people lamenting the 'horrors of the internet' like progress is a monster under their beds."

Will sighed. "Finally, someone who doesn't think progress is a bad thing."

"No, not at all, I...I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself," the man said, holding out his hand for Will to take.

Will took his hand, the strength of his grip doing things to Will, and shook.

"Will Graham."

"Dr. Hannibal Lecter."

"Doctor?" Will asked, "What...I mean...what do you teach?"

Hannibal smiled. "I am a guidance counselor. Yourself?"

Will blushed, pushing his glasses up his face. "Biology."

"We both help young people learn things about their bodies then, though I deal in their mind and feelings and you...tell them everything else."

Will smiled. "I guess," he said, "I...I still can't believe they made this near Christmas. Most people have things to do."

"And families to come home to," Hannibal finished, his smile fading.

Will frowned. "I didn't mean to change the subject or bring down the room. I just..."

"You didn't, Will, I assure you. I just...I suppose I lament at times not being able to use a family as an excuse."

"You don't..."

"My immediate family have long since passed, and I am unattached. Yourself?"

"Same," he said, "I guess we're just a couple of sad, single people."

"I wouldn't call myself sad," Hannibal said, sipping his mug, "Just...lonesome at times."

"Yeah."

They both looked at the fire.

"So...."

"Oh Hannibal, where are you?"

Hannibal froze.

"I...."

Will looked around and spotted a woman walking through the crowd. he quickly grabbed Hannibal's hand, pulling and the two of them ran for the stairs. He resisted the urge to laugh as they ran and went right to his room opening with his keycard. They ran inside, shutting it, and leaned against the door panting for breath.

They looked at each other, still breathing heavy, and before Will could even second guess himself, he kissed him. It was a messy kiss, years of not kissing at all making him rusty, but he grabbed Hannibal's tie pulling him toward the bed where they both fell back. Neither of them said a word as they pulled off clothes, and before long Will was stroking a stranger's cock, staring into crimson eyes, and groaning as Hannibal pulled back to take him into his mouth. He pulled his hair hard, making Hannibal groan, and came with a shout feeling like he'd run a marathon. Hannibal crawled closer, and Will reached for him, stroking fast, and they kissed again just as he came in Will's palm.

Both of them tried to catch their breaths after, staring into each other's eyes, and burst out laughing as they laid there.

"So," Will said, smiling, "That happened."

"Yes, it did."

"It was...."

"Amazing."

"Yeah," Will said, kissing him again, "It was pretty great."

Hannibal took Will's hand, licking his own mess from Will's palm, and Will sighed.

"Would you be averse to...doing it again?"

Will shook his head. "No?"

Hannibal kissed his cheek. "I'm glad to hear it. May I stay?"

"Stay," Will said, still smiling, "Stay."

Hannibal smiled, touching his cheek. "I will, though I think we need a shower. Lest we fell asleep messily."

Will nodded. "Ok."

The shower as fast, and somehow Will found himself on his knees sucking off a stranger even as Hannibal struggled to come a second time, and after Hannibal kissed him so much he was dizzy with it.

He collapsed first but Hannibal hugged him so tightly from behind he could hardly keep his eyes open.

"Breakfast?" he mumbled, "In the morning?"

"Any requests?"

Will sighed, his eyes heavy. "Other than you?"

Hannibal kissed his cheek. "I will surprise you."

Will woke up to Hannibal eating him out, and covered his mouth when he came, shouting out as his orgasm was ripped from him. He moaned as Hannibal rutted against him after, not thrusting inside but the friction was so good he almost felt like he was.

He sighed loudly after, smiling up at the ceiling, and Hannibal kissed his cheek.

"I suppose we are no longer bored now."

Will grinned at him. "No at all."

"What do you suppose we continue this for the duration of our stay? No strings, just..."

"Fun?"

"Yes."

He kissed him, touching his cheek. "Definitely yes."

"I think, perhaps, we're about to think differently about this conference."

Will laughed. "Very, very, differently. I think maybe Santa came...early...for us both."

Hannibal kissed him again. "I think so too, Will. I think so too."

Will looked into his eyes, heart skipping a beat.

"Stay? Just for another few hours?"

"We'll miss our conference meetings this morning."

"And?"

Hannibal pulled him close, and Will sighed laying his head on Hannibal's chest. "I think perhaps this a much better use of our time here."

"Me too," Will sighed, nuzzling his chest hair, "Me too.

#hannigram au #christmas getaway #hannigram #hallmark movie au #teachers au #strangers to lovers au #strangers with benefits

[system-society]

So we were wondering if you have any advice or just information in general about co-fronting? Our system has a pair of alters who we only recently found out are different alters who just co-front with eachother a lot. (They also sometimes struggle to identify their own memories separate of the other.) One them can front on their own without too much struggle. It depends. he tends to be a good bit more messy pre-say? He struggles more with keeping track of what he's actually thinking and such and is very ramblely (and lonely it seems.) And the other tends to be more sad in general when fronting alone, and more stressed and anxious. (Both to a extent where functioning normally is more difficult.)

We're specifically looking for information on why this might happen as they're the only alters in our system and we're wondering if this could ever potentially be a problem? Both of them front fairly frequently. (They're currently our 3rd most common fronter(we don't have a host.))

And thank you!!

(We definitely didn't send this talking about ourselves in 3rd person because we didn't know how to word it)

Hi! It definitely seems like these guys need to front as a team for efficency, which is common and not a bad thing! We have a bunch of groups that all hover near front together, because otherwise it is lonely and depressing for just one.

My best advice is let them cofront! I cannot be 100% but two alters cofronting a lot doesn’t usually have effects, and they seem much happier doing it. If it stresses them, they can figure out moments alone to sort out memories, but it seems they’re much happier together so I would strive to keep it that way.

#answering asks #herb’s advice

[struggle-but-its-all-ocean-floor]

Honestly, I want to be excited for BTS's solo careers but I'm just not that interested in them yet. Maybe it's too soon. I'm curious about what kind of music they'll release, what their performances will be like, what their promotions will look like, what kind of image they'll cultivate, etc., but it's not really something that I can look forward to yet.

For example, I've never really cared for J-Hope's solo music so this album announcement doesn't excite me. I was looking forward to D3 but now that it's an album and not a mixtape I wonder if BTS will feel more pressure to do well commercially and if that will change the content of their music. I wonder if "D3" will be less Agust D (I think it won't be Agust D at all anymore) and more in the style of Seesaw and recent songs he's produced for others.

I'm scared I won't like their music, because individually BTS's tastes vastly differ from mine. If Jin's album is a ballad album which includes songs like Moon, I'm not sure how much I will enjoy that. I have liked V's solo songs so far but not really the ones he shares on Weverse or IG.

I'm also kind of afraid that they'll change? That I won't be able to recognize them anymore, or that they'll grow distant from each other, or that I will grow distant from them.

I'm kind of excited to see Jimin dance solo and to hear Jungkook sing, but I also fear disliking JK's music because I love Still With You, but My You and his songs recs are not my style at all.

What saddens me the most is not the lack of OT7 music, but losing their group dynamic. I hope Hybe will upload lots of Bangtan Bombs and that the members will do lives together from time to time and post photos with each other. Their bond is one of the best parts of them and a huge source of comfort to me. Since we're losing their performances, I hope we will have some OT7 content at least. That's what saddens me the most. Not being able to see the seven of them chat and have fun together. And not getting new performances sucks too, but I think solo performances can possibly make up for it.

The enlistment thing is also very scary. There's allegedly going to be an announcement next week... If they go separately how long will it take for a group comeback? I guess I just have to be patient. One thing at a time...

It's funny that in his last vlive JK said he didn't know if he could go on variety shows without the members... That's another example of BTS giving me mixed signals about going solo. If he knew he'd have to promote his album, wasn't he expecting to do some form of variety content?

Anyway, these are my thoughts and fears. V said 90% of Army will support them whatever music they make, but I'm not sure it's fair of him to ask that of us. I will listen to his music, but I became a fan of BTS, not solo artists. I don't think I have to listen to their music and watch their content if I don't enjoy it. But BTS are all funny and interesting on their own, so I'm not saying I won't. He's just expecting too much of us. We don't have to like anything they put out. But he probably didn't mean it that way.

I'm scared of change. It feels like BTS are slipping through my fingers. They're growing up and soon will be so caught up in their personal lives that we'll no longer get to enjoy BTS the way we did. Seeing them together made me believe in love and friendship, and made me feel less lonely too, so the thought of losing that is what's so scary and sad for me. They couldn't spend every day together forever, right? I kind of wanted them to. I wanted their friendship to be like that. They aren't growing apart, but real friendships always take a backseat to family and a career. That's life. I'm not counting on ever having a family so I think I'll be lonely. I'm not good with friendships either.

BTS going on a break just feels so personal. Because I'm the same age as them. They're moving on but I'm always stuck in the same place. I guess that's why it's hard to feel happy right now.

#bts

[ilial-the-sleepy-poet]

And there beside the water Lillie's and overly saturated flowers of the 12th spring of our lonely lives, a few gentle breaths so loud that I knew they were meant to be silent.

You sent a quick glance my way then looked away even quicker. But my gaze stayed with you as you looked far away, further still than even the land where the sky kisses the land, and the bird and the fish sleep together without drowning or suffocating.

There was a line between us which we crossed so many times so I wondered why this was any different.

I've learned all your languages and your scripts, I have become so fluent in loving you that my fingers could explore you without ever getting lost, and my tongue has forgotten every word but your name.

So often I'd write my poetry of longing and desires all over your soft flesh, and my intentions and yearning would overflow and spill out of me and you'd be drowning in my embrace, trying to catch your breath in-between the dancing of our tongues.

With my colors rubbing off on you and yours on me, as we're painted entirely to a point where neither of us can recognize the other. And it was like a billion stars bursting all at once or a thousand holy wars for false gods.

But every empire falls just as the night always falls, even on the brightest day you wish would last forever.

This we both knew as the breeze blew the coolness of the river to our face, and I saw it run its fingers through your dark lush hair and I thought, "no, I'll never forget you, even after a thousand lifetimes, your eyes will haunt me and every forgotten dream, it will have been about you."

But your eyes grow darker than your mascara, and the longer we stay silent the more words we'll have left to say, and even more words left unsaid.

But I can see it in the subtle movements of your eyes and fingers, something so deeply troubles you and you're drowning in an ocean of worries while burning black from a desire to tell me all the truths of the universe.

Everything is green but only for so long, colors change and so do people and intentions. Does love?

Everything's confusing yet so clear at the same time. I don't have a single thing to say yet every words I do have are all for you.

I have a ocean of life and passion, on a world where temples and shrines dedicated to you are scattered all over, your presence and closeness keeps the sun far away, and your distance brings it closer, it scares me to think what would happen if you were to leave. The oceans dry up, and the wind catches on fire as the world is set ablaze.

I feel so warm, uncomfortably hot, now I am burning and all the rivers and ocean in the world would not be enough to extinguish these flames. But oh you look my way again and I fall into the ocean in your eyes, an ocean with no shore, where I fall deeper and deeper and drown eternally, and I am well again.

You're the relief to all my discomforts, the cure to all my illnesses. And I hold you in the highest of regards and would betray any of my gods to solely worship you.

If only you knew of all the number of sins I am willing to commit in your name.

A holy war against God in your name.

My empire would reach the stars, I'd conquer all the heavens and write your name with the glows of the gods, and I would make time and space vibrate in a way where they would sing deafening hymns of you.

Your closeness is all I need and your distance is what scares me to make up new gods.

Will you forget me like all the days inbetween your favorite ones? Don't speak, I can already read all the verses in your eyes.

"No, the distance between us would scream at me, your memories would cling on and echo every second. I will sleep on a bed of your nostalgia, and all my dreams will be of a world where you are still with me. My sadness will devour me, and I will drown eternally in a river of our most beautiful memories, and when I cry, all the tears will be to form an ocean that I will daydream of you crossing to get to me. And everytime I extend my hand for anything, every fiber of my being, my soul and spirit, all will be praying a million prayers that your hands reach out and hold mine, and everytime my prayers fall on deaf ears, I will die. And I will die a million times just wondering where you are and not being able to know. I'll think of how far you are, our distance and how it keeps getting longer and longer, and how now even the time of our seperation is longer than the distance between us. And I'll be more than ready to commit any sin so that they will throw rocks at me so that I may die. And even in death I will long for you, and heaven will have to wait, because the angels will know no place will be heaven for me if it isn't a place with you. And however long I will have to wait I will, and the only thing on my mind will be you, even after eternity has ended I will still remember you and know what your love feels like. Not a single thing will I forget of you, even if your love fades, mine never will."

And all I had left to say to you was, "all I ever wanted was to live in that daydream with you, where you and I would be together for all of eternity and even after, where our love could conquer God and love itself."

You smiled a soft gentle smile that only you could smile. And I could see that you had made up your mind long before I had.

You said to me "I loved you before I even knew what love was." And now everything is okay. How lovely it is to do this with you again, Just like when we were kids, pretending to drown in this river we spent so much of our lives near.

[crabknee]

I'm not entirely sure why I wrote this. It kind of hurts to read and wasn't quite fun to write either. It felt necessary though and I'm relieved that I wrote it.

It holds the record for being my longest inbox fic, at 1939 words or about 5 pages of text.

It was near the end of a battle when it happened. Henry and Tharja had been searching the battlefield for any wounded soldiers. As they searched and searched, Henry heard a squelch, followed by a ragged gasp.

Turning, he saw how a risen had plunged its sword deep in Tharja's back. He saw how it emerged from her chest, covered in her blood while she twitched and groaned.

"Begone!" he yelled and a flash of purple light killed the risen.

"Tharja, when Chrom said to find wounded soldiers, he didn't mean to become one if we came back empty handed!" he laughed, picking her up as best he could.

It was difficult figuring how to to carry her, for he wasn't particularly strong and knew not to remove the blade.

"H-H-He-" she tried to talk.

"Whatever you have to say, it'll have to wait because I can't understand you," he said rather carefree, "Libra and Maribelle will have you fixed in no time, and then you can tell me!"

When he reached camp, Frederick stole Tharja from his arms and ran to the medical tent. Not quite a silence, but a tension fell over the camp and Henry couldn't figure out why. Strange. He stood paralyzed, staring at the shut tent for gods know how long before Cordelia placed a careful hand on his shoulder.

"Henry," she started, though he noted how strange her somber voice was, "You've stood there for a long time and your clothes are covered in blood. How about you change? We're going to eat."

"What's wrong? You seem sad," he said.

"...Tharja is injured, she might die... I understand if you need some time to let it sink in."

He returned to the tent he shared with some of the other guys and switched out his clothes. While he was scrubbing Tharja's blood from his shirt, he wondered why Cordelia was so sad.

Tharja would be fine, even if she died. She would be in the next life, probably working on more interesting spells she could tell him about, or test on him. She enjoyed doing both. But she wouldn't die. Libra and Maribelle were the best healers he knew.

He left his clothes to dry and joined the others at the makeshift tables. Eating area. No one ever knew what to call it. He got his plate and sat in the corner where he usually sat with Tharja. Of course, she never came. Libra and Maribelle were likely still working on her stitches.

He had several things he wanted to talk about (crows, a fox he saw, the battle, a spell and so on) but resigned himself to eating in lonely silence. His bowl was almost empty when the bench creaked beside him. Gregor sat next to him, but had no food or even water.

"Aren't you eating? You fought pretty hard today," Henry said.

"Gregor already ate. I want to check on you," he replied.

"I'm fine! A have a few minor injuries but otherwise untouched."

"No, I mean with Tharja. She is your friend, correct?"

"She is. She'll be fine, she's durable and Libra and Maribelle know what they're doing!" Henry smiled.

"She did not look okay."

"She's fine."

Gregor let it rest and watched Henry as he finished his food.

"Interested in card game?" he asked.

"Not particularly. I have some reading to do," Henry replied.

"Suit yourself. I will play card game with others."

Once more, Henry retreated to his tent. He sat with a good book and read for hours and hours. He hadn't realized how much time had passed until the words became difficult to see in the dark. The sun had nearly finished its descent. He set his book aside and shut his eyes.

The sounds outside the tent weren't terribly unusual. Someone laughed by a cracking bonfire, someone talked whispered just far enough away that he couldn't make out what they said and several spoke normally.

And then a scream cut through the still dusk.

"No! NOOO!" Maribelle shrieked.

All other sounds stopped in an instant. The laughing, the whispering, and the speaking. Several dead silent moments passed before soft footsteps in the grass approached the tent. The flap opened as Libra entered.

"I must speak with you, Henry," he said softly.

"Sure, what is it?" the dark mage sat up.

"We- we tried to save Tharja. We got the sword out and slowed the bleeding, but there was too much damage done to her lungs," Libra sighed deeply, his breath uneven as he hesitated, "She didn't make it."

'Didn't make it'. People said that often as a euphemism for death. Strange that Libra would say it like that. They were soldiers in a war, they saw death everyday, there was no need to water down what happened to Tharja. Strange. Strange...

Just earlier, she had spoken of growing old and becoming a secretive wizard in a tower with dubiously spells and unethical experiments. She had said that Henry could visit and help with all her ideas. She wouldn't be able to do that now, at least not in this world.

Where was she anyway? Henry knew of the next life, but never quite understood the concept of multiple places one could end up. He didn't understand how one's destination was determined or if one could move elsewhere. What if-

"Henry," Libra said, "Do you want to see her?"

He nodded and followed the priest. It was short walk, only twenty or so meters, but it felt so strange. He found himself reaching for Libra's hand. They had never been close, but the priest took it and held it with care.

He didn't let go when he saw Tharja's body. He didn't want Libra to leave, it felt strange looking at her and he didn't want to be alone. A blanket covered her body and only her head, shoulders and arms were uncovered.

Maribelle sat in the corner of the tent. She had been staring at the blade pulled out of Tharja's back. It was massive, far longer than one even Gregor or Sully might wield.

"We covered her body because the wound is unpleasant to look at. You shouldn't have to see your friend hurt so," Maribelle muttered.

"She looks like she's asleep," Henry replied.

He wanted to shake her awake and tell her to come have a late dinner with him while they talked.

He took her hand and gently rubbed it, though it was ice cold. If she woke up to him comforting her so, she might be annoyed or uncomfortable, but now it felt right. She was probably lonely in the next world, whatever greeting he could send her, he would.

"I don't want to see her like this," he said.

"You don't have to, we can leave now," Libra answered.

Henry took his hand once more and they returned to their tent. They hardly exchanged more words that evening. They said a prayer together and Henry fell asleep rather quickly while Libra stayed by his side.

They hardly spoke before today. Henry knew Libra was friends with Tharja and he had seen him around camp, but they were only acquaintances. Strange how death drew them together when everyone said it was such a sad thing. Strange, strange, strange.

Henry awoke the next morning feeling just fine. He hummed as he got dressed and ate his breakfast with a smile. Tharja was still gone, he hadn't forgotten, but it was fine. She was off in another world having the time of her life making more spells, now without concern for if they may kill her for she was already dead.

"Are you alright?" Libra asked.

His eyes were red and he sniffled, one could only assume he wept for his fallen friend.

"I'm quite alright, I need to get my stuff packed though. We're heading to the next outpost soon," he said.

"Chrom said we'd stay here another day or two so everyone can process Tharja's passing. As per protocol, we're going to cremate her."

"Oh, that's good, I didn't really wanna pack anyway."

Libra narrowed his eyes, "Henry, are you positively sure you're alright?"

"...Yes, why?"

"Your best friend just died."

"And? I'll see her again in some years."

Libra seemed truly taken aback by his answer, which was strange. They both firmly believed in another life after the one they lived now, so why did Libra seem so sad? Tharja was fine, and so everything was fine.

"...Tell me if you ever wish to talk," Libra muttered as he left.

Some two weeks passed and the shepherds found a moment to rest. Everyone gladly took it, eager to sleep in the soft guest beds of a kind Valmese lord who hated Walhart more than they did.

Henry was happy to have his personal space back, finally being able to sleep in a room by himself. It was a nice little guest room. The bed was soft, the view was pretty and the walls were thick so it was silent as well. All it was missing was Tharja pacing back and forth, speaking of a wicked spell for some minutes before leaving.

But she had been dead a fortnight. She wouldn't tell him about more spells, or at least not in this world. Strange, strange, strange...

If he lived a long life like he planned, he wouldn't see Tharja for another sixty or so years. Perhaps seventy, or even eighty if he lived to be a century. Of course, those years would come to an end, but it was still quite a long time to spend away from her.

Strange. They had hardly been apart for more than a few days since becoming friends, but now it already felt like forever since their last talk. Strange. Two weeks wasn't a long time. Strange.

His heart ached thinking of her. He wanted to see her, give her a big hug and show off a little trinket his crows had found.

Strange. How strange it all was. He knew he would see her again, but he missed her too. Strange, strange, strange.

His eyes were watery and his cheeks wetted. Strange. He wanted to see her again. It felt strange crying, weak, vulnerable and defenseless. A foe could effortlessly kill him, but would that truly be so bad now? Tharja was dead, perhaps it would be better if he died too, perhaps it would be better if he could see her.

He wept, horrible cries escaping his throat as he thought only of Tharja and the now empty space she once occupied. He just wanted to see her again, why was that so much to ask? Was it truly so strange to the gods that he wanted to be with his friend once more?

He hardly noticed that someone had entered the room until Libra hugged him tight. The priest rocked back and forth, shushing him sweetly while his throat stung as he cried and cried and cried.

"There, there, Henry. It'll all be okay, I'm here for you," he said, though his voice was unsteady.

He knew why Henry cried, he knew why he was in pain but wanted to be an anchor when Henry had so few to rely on.

Perhaps it would make more sense with someone else. Libra knew his emotions, he knew all the words for the complicated things he felt. And he loved Tharja, he cared for her the same way Henry did. He found sorrow in the empty space one occupied by Tharja, just as Henry did.

Strange. Henry always imagined grief would be lonely.

I have no words, this was very well written

#asks #pie #inbox fic #crab emblem

[luminary-sunflower]

Journal, 12/8/2023 (cw grief, climate change, animal abuse, child abuse, religion)

I can barely remember any gifts I got except for a few - my 13th birthday, for example, I got Hunger Games in an accidentally large print. It was how I realized I actually had astigmatism because it made me start reading again (much easier). I also remember really liking Webkinz and Littlest Pet Shops. Isn't it weird? How so much of our childhood is defined by our toy franchises but when you're an adult you don't even remember the toys you needed so badly? Actually, I still like Littlest Pet Shops and collecting stuffed animals. I follow some on Tumblr. But I feel like there's a big gap there where it actually wasn't all that important. 

When I think of times I remember most vividly and fondly, it's incredibly boring. I mean that in a good way. I miss sitting on the porch with crackers and a pull tab of tuna, sharing with the stray kitten I had named Billy Joe from Green Day. Before he destroyed it in a fit of rage for BJ using the plot as a litterbox, planting the tomatoes with him was a bittersweet memory. I wonder if he ever regrets how good of a child I could have been if he was safe enough to be around. If you walked towards the cows in the summer after a long rain, you'd have to be careful not to step on any tiny baby toads (the size of fingerprints) hiding in the grass. It makes me upset to think about all the dragonflies, cardinals, salamanders that are dying off. 

I guess it is the animals I remember most. You can still go outside but it feels lonely. When I wanted to end my life, I would sit outside and see all of these animals living and just living for the sake of living, because they hadn't forgotten life was good. How we're killing ourselves. Pesticides and pavement are terrorism. You can only take so much you know. Before you want to go back home. And you know where home is. And you know it looks different now. And yes you'll find joy away from it because you have to, because you don't have a choice. I'd like to think if heaven is being outside without ever being cold or thirsty. 

I would love a job like that. Just the gardener, the tender. Taking care of all of the Earth and the lonely, curious spirits within it. A little less than an angel is all I'd have to be. No one thinks of animals when they read "Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares". But I see clips of videos of people rescuing deer from their antlers tangled in fences and that's what reminds me. 

Wouldn't that be such a thing to do? To be an angel and disguise yourself as an animal to ask for mercy? God already did that as a human being. 

What are we doing? Why are we so cruel, not even cruel, but just apathetic? I am not alone in remembering the family and love of wildlife. Even those who say they want to protect animals in the highest think of humans so bitterly. We aren't supposed to be this way. It isn't hard to understand. That's why it hurts. That's why it all hurts. If we believed this is how it ought to be, then no one would be sad over it. We're sad because part of us knows better. We are killing ourselves just as much. There isn't going to be a time when climate change and mass extinction doesn't end the lives of human beings. We're not going to live happy, productive lives without our family. I can't tell you how empty it feels to sit outside to eat without a bird nearby asking for crumbs. I still think of the bee who took my tea as a friend.

I'm not supposed to have an alarm clock. It's supposed to be a Kentucky warbler. 

Do you think people are afraid to believe in God because it means they have to accept the things they've done to creation? As not meaningless, as the horror it is, the horror humanity is capable of against it? To each other? Nihilism would be so easy, wouldn't it? You don't have to mourn a thing. You don't have to accept responsibility... It meant nothing. I think every human dying means the world. It means we failed the world we had. 

You know for the longest time I hated Jesus. Because I was jealous. Honestly. I can say that now. I like to say it, maybe I crave humiliation. 

Let's take everything at word and there was a man who suffered as much, but it was for a good cause. Was my suffering meaningful? What did I sacrifice for? At least Jesus had "good damage" as Diane from Bojack Horseman would say.

I have to believe that despite all I've suffered I have an opportunity to use it for good. To waste it on pity or ending my life would be selfish. It was just an example maybe. We can give it meaning too. We have that right, don't we? Because if we take it at its word: "to the extent that you did it to one of the least of these, you did it to Me" that would mean Jesus already suffered what I did. And that sounds a bit silly, but let's explore how everyone hates themselves! It's natural. Treat yourself as you would... a good friend...

Why would my mom's ex husband poison Jesus' beloved kittens? But he did. And that's the only answer I have. But he did.

I have nothing to be jealous of. It was already done, at the same time. 

That makes it easier for me to conceptualize just how cruel those things were. To beat a dead horse, a dead man, a dead God. To harm a child. You were already forgiven for it. Why must you make it worse? Why must you bury the hole deeper? Can you not appreciate the grace you've been given? The opportunity to have a family...to have me. To have me as your child with all I know now I have to offer my loved ones. I could have been loved by you. But you wasted it because you... Did. You wasted it because you did. I will never know why.

Did it go something like this, though, I wonder:

I have plenty of towels so I will spill as much as I want. 

I have plenty of thread so I will tear as much as I want.

And to that I would respond: “A blazing fire makes flame and brightness out of everything that is thrown into it.” 

And 

You didn't not expect for the tools you put your faith in to be used to heal you. You're the one who has to live with what you've done. I've hurt people. And I've hurt the ones I loved most. I know forgiveness the worst pain. I can only beg for it now. I am the one who has to live with what I've not done.

I'll never see BJ the kitty again. I am so happy I have met him. I'll never see my pappy again. I am so happy he took care of me when his son couldn't. That was all I needed to get where I needed to be. And I have to have faith in that.

#diario sunnyside

[shehasworktodo]

"Enkrateia" Part 1

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law." -Galatians 5: 22 & 23

"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." -Romans 15:13

Once Upon a Time in Miami...

I was taking an Uber back to my hotel one morning. I wasn't expecting it but I felt this strange heaviness in my chest. I just spent the last two days with a really cool guy that I met in the area, and knowing that I was leaving Miami soon made me sad. We both knew it wasn't something that was going to last forever, but that didn't mean it hurt any less.

Before this, I was celebrating turning 24 with a close friend that lived in Fort Lauderdale. Other than a couple old girlfriends, my former landlord, and my mom, most of my friends had forgotten my birthday. Overall I'm so thankful for my friend making that weekend so special for me, but I would be lying to you and myself if I said that I wasn't in my feelings about everyone else. On top of that I was fighting to overcome two short-lived dating relationships that I truly saw potential in. I was lacking in faith, I was lacking in trust, and at this point, I was in Miami just saying f*ck it. I wanted to have fun and let go of the bad feelings that were tormenting me. And it turned out to be a great trip!

On days where I found myself lonely and bored, I'd go to my re-upped dating app profiles and that's where I linked with this one energetic, Star-Wars loving guy that made a Monday and Tuesday feel like a whirlwind of a weekend. It was one of those situations where a guy showers you with attention, gets what he wants, and disappears without a trace. But kudos to him, he was straight forward with his intentions from the first day, after he made his pass. Needless to say we only fooled around, but still after loss of contact it was enough to make me feel like I lost a piece of myself in those two short days.

Never did I ever see myself in these kinds of situations: Meeting someone, getting to know them, regardless of pure intentions we act like we're in a relationship when we aren't, and instead of a fizzling out it comes to a complete stop- a halt without any warning or heads-up. You fall flat on your face wondering what happened and where things went wrong. Better yet, "what did I do wrong in order for them to treat me this way?".

The title stems from a new word that I learned from this book I read called How Should a Christian Date? by Eric Demeter. Although I haven't dated a lot of "Christians" in my past, I've always had goals and a solid mindset in what I look for- and who I want to be- in a relationship. The first time I ever dated anyone seriously I was 20 years old and it ended in a horrific way. It's a story for another day, but I didn't have any idea of what a healthy relationship looked like. Although I had my boundaries and standards that I upheld, I always found myself compromising and bending over backwards to make him feel comfortable, to please him, that any question or concern that I have I should just keep my mouth shut. After I learned about heartbreak and what it felt like, my encounters with dating have always been touch and go. I blamed my actions and mindset on past dating experiences, and for that I knew I was wrong.

Enkrateia is a Biblical Greek word that means self-control, or power over one's self. Wikipedia defines it further as "... power over your own passions and instincts, self-control and self-mastery." So when I started dating in LA, I couldn't blame my actions and choices on anyone but myself. I have no control over what anyone else thinks or does, but I know that my heart and intentions are pure. Trust me when I tell you that after dating one guy for almost a month, when things are going so nicely, I was so dumbfounded in wondering why this guy disappeared out of the blue. Offering to pick me up on our first date, driving us to and from the venue, opening and closing doors, going out of his way to make sure that I was happy and content... it was something I wasn't used to. After his disappearance I went back on with my life, only to find out two weeks later that his grandmother had passed away. Even though there's no excuse for treating someone the way that he treated me, I can understand that people grieve differently. I was going through a moment of bereavement myself and he was one of the first people I told. We made an attempt at patching things up (by we I mean me), and even after meeting up again, the text responses took longer and my phone calls were never answered. Silly me, I thought I had something nice going and ended up looking like a fool twice. That was the one time I ever got to reflect on myself by asking him what I did to deserve to be ignored. I was shocked when he told me I did nothing wrong.. it sure felt like it. At the end of the day there's nothing I could've done to help him fight his demons. I was not responsible for the way that he chose to treat me.

With my second dating experience about a month later, I took a break from checking off "boxes" but continued to put my faith and values on the table. It was like an "expect the best but prepare for the worst" kind of situation. To top it off I don't think I had any expectations, just a couple nice laid back dates with a nice guy. I admired his consistency in communication and his transparency, but he put more emphasis on "hooking up" than actually getting to know each other and finding something real, what we initially talked about. Since I wasn't expecting much, I made my own decision to fool around without overstepping my boundaries. The only thing I could reflect on about this brief relationship was his choice of timing in telling me he couldn't move forward knowing that I didn't plan on, in nice terms, giving him more anytime soon. He was so bent on the physical that I didn't really get more of a chance to know his soul... and he didn't get to know mine. I let him know that despite our short lived good times, I would've been more than fine with never being physical for a long time if it meant I just got to know him as a person. Although things ended amicably, this guy was going back and forth with my emotions about "linking up" and "cumming thru" which did not entertain me in the slightest.

You can probably see why I threw caution to the wind in Miami after these moments. I made another promise to myself after all these encounters. There's no sense in me making meaningless connections with someone I don't intend to fully pursue and love. I know personally, when my body is involved, so is my heart. My emotions and physical interactions cannot be separated, that's just how I was designed. I know better than to be bitter about these situations although they hurt, but after reading this book and learning more about self-control, I know that I have the power to sail my ship while the Lord directs my path. I have found gems in my past dating life. The first guy- the literal "gentleman" I'm thankful for, because ultimately he set the bar for my future dates and relationships. I won't be pressured into doing anything I don't want to, and he never once made me feel that way. In addition, regardless of how invested I am into the relationship, I know how much I'm worth and I know that I deserve to be treated well. I'm thankful for the second man I dated, because ultimately he taught me how important and valuable it is to communicate. His honesty, transparency, and communication skills have encouraged me to accept nothing less from anyone else crossing my path. I can only work on being the best that I can be, and I will not hold myself responsible for the way that others treat me if I know in my heart and show through my actions that they deserve all my attention, respect, and love.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind". - II Timothy 1: 7

I'll continue to show that through all my endeavors. Good, pure hearts still exist in this world, and we'll continue to encounter them one day at a time. Each and every one of us knows who we are and what we bring to the table, some of us are still figuring those things out. Leave with this: Know your worth, know your boundaries, and never stop seeing the gems in the people that you meet along your journey.

Look out for Part 2, how I almost lost my life at a Marshmello concert...