#DIRTY JOKE! IS THAT A DIRTY JOKE?! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

terrifiedtrinket · 8 months

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“Torture wounds”

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goldensunset · 9 months

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did you know? if you do your laundry you can get your clothes back

#fascinating stuff. let’s see if i (person with the worst executive dysfunction when it comes to doing laundry) remember it #i literally have this issue where i’ll let dirty clothes pile up in the laundry basket for an entire month #like it takes me that long to get around to it #and then- who would’ve thought- i find that i don’t have anything good to wear. strange!#finally did it last night and i’m like ohhh that was so difficult but the payoff finally #augh #peach rambles #hall of fame i guess #shut up about socks. idc.#this was a fun positivity post of sorts it’s about overcoming executive dysfunction #derailing into jokes about losing socks is. it’s not horrible but just boring and annoying #it was supposed to be celebration!! and encouragement!!!

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laikabu · 4 months

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sorry this is kind of depraved i dont know what came over me. sorry

#suggestive #? dirty joke #labru #my art

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insomniac-arrest · 2 years

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"I wasted my 20s", cool man, just in time for all the gay sex and weird tattoos you're about to have in your 30s

#I wasted my 20s is such a flacid phrase and yet I've heard several of my peers use it #smdh #jokes #the dirty 30s amiright?

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maskofnova · 2 months

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The other homestuck post I had in me, its the year of the cringe weirdo couple, my beloveds.

#homestuck #meowrails #meowrail #equius zahhak #nepeta leijon #its pale romance hours #i hated them in the comic when i started but now i would kill for them #homestuck did em dirty #but thats what fanfic and fanart is for #even though there is shockingly little of either for them and it makes me so so so sad #relegated to background characters only #i cant fully blame them though like equius is the worst but ive come to like him when i think of him outside of his joke aspects #hes the definition of crack taken seriously #mogs art

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willowser · 1 month

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once you and katsuki discover you're expecting, you agree to keep it to yourselves for a little while.

you can't hide forever, but you want the chance to bask in the excitement of what's to come, together, away from outside eyes prying in. and you do: there's an immediate difference in the way you touch each other, how often, with katsuki even shifting coverage for patrol just so he can cling to your side for an extra day or two. it's like a honeymoon, almost, and you take the time to enjoy it like one.

but of course he wants to tell his parents as soon as he can, though he doesn't outright admit it; as soon as you start pushing the boundary of your waistband, he finds time in his schedule to see his dad—and then mitsuki makes time for him to see her.

katsuki tells toshinori next, who becomes quite emotional at the sight of your ultrasound, which in turn makes katsuki surprisingly emotional, too. there's much that they say and even more that they don't, but it's all communicated, regardless.

and lastly—he has to tell his nerd-ass friends.

it happens on one of their bi-monthly outings—that katsuki has consecutively been skipping for a little while, for obvious reasons. and it's like the minute he sits down in his seat and orders his food and one beer, everything he'd planned to say dissolves in his head.

despite wanting to keep quiet, he's been trying to plot out his announcement to these exact shit heads since the moment you found out. it's just so personal, and even after everything, katsuki's still discovering how to share those parts of his life with others, still coming to terms with the fact that he wants to.

he'd considered doing it slowly, rather than all at once in front of all of them, but he very quickly realized how terrible of a plan that was; deku would not physically be able to contain such knowledge in his body for any period of time, kirishima is a notorious fucking gossip, and if shouto had given him some kind of shit ass, wrinkled-nose look, he would have had to howitzer him through a building.

so he just says it, because he's never really been one for subtlety.

right after everyone's received their food and started to take their first bites, denki makes a point to ask,

"how's things with your honeybun, kacchan?"

and normally he'd have a fit at the nickname, but instead he hears bun and feels his stomach flip like it does when he remembers, when silly little things remind him of what the two of you have made together, and into his food, he simply says,

"we're havin' a baby."

the expected silence falls over all of them, save for the scaping of utensils against katsuki's bowl. he's damn good at feigning nonchalance, but food is getting stuck in his throat and his heart is beating so hard that he can hear it deep in his eardrums. of course he knows, but it dawns on him again, how overrun he is with excitement.

across the table, denki takes his turn to speak again. "you're...what?"

and then the whole room is erupting into a mass of chaos, moving in pieces like a riot of unrefined children, and even though he's being hounded with a million questions and being shaken around by his shoulders and some of these assholes are crying—katsuki graces them all with a big, fat grin.

#hehehehehe #he knows he's playing it up heheheheh #kirishima immediately bursts into happy tears #deku knew something was up already #shouto asks 'on purpose?' and when katsuki sends him a death glare his lips twitch up hehehehe #deku starts crying #denki tries to make a dirty joke to hide his own emotions but when katsuki sends HIM a death glare #the tears do spill over a little bit LOL #✿ thoughts: bakugou #✿ theme: dad bakugou #cw children #cw pregnancy

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gregsnero · 1 year

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THE GANG AS LPS!!

took 20 minutes but i think its pretty accurate not gonna lie i outdid myself

charlie

dennis

mac

dee

frank

#iasip #iasip16 #its always sunny in philadelphia #mac mcdonald #charlie kelly #dee reynolds #dennis reynolds #frank reynolds #edit: dee bird jokes annoy me now sorry for doing her dirty like this

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obligatebureaucrat · 10 months

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I haven’t seen a single person be horny about the elephant powerup in Mario Wonder, but I’ve seen like a thousand Twitter Comedians be like “HOLY SHIT IT’S A FETISH! LOOK A FETISH! NINTENDO PLEASE DONT UNLEASH THIS CURSED SHIT ONLINE”

And like, yeah some people are gonna be into it (and more power to you), but it’s obnoxious that a good chunk of the discourse about Wonder is people seeing the most benign kids-show-grade animal character and pretending like Nintendo just unveiled Ball Gag Mario or some shit.

#super Mario bros wonder #Mario wonder #Mario #elephant Mario #I don’t even mind dirty jokes about the games - just please calm down and make funnier jokes

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plistommy · 2 months

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Eddie, angry at Steve: You’re such an asshole!

Steve: Well you sure seem to love mine!

Eddie:

Steve:

Eddie:

Steve:

Eddie, giving up and coming to kiss Steve: Fuck you, man…

Steve, smirking: That’s the point, Eds.

#They can never be mad at each other for too long #Especially with these dirty jokes bc it’s their weakness #💀#I love them #steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #Dirty jokes #They’re best at that #stranger things #incorrect quotes #lemon #text #steddie fandom #steve x eddie

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livwritesstuff · 3 months

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you know that feeling where you’re having a god-awful day and all you really want is a hug but you’re at work so, like, that’s not gonna happen, and you basically just have to stew in all those shitty feelings and wait out the clock? yeah, me too, that’s kind of where this came from.

Eddie had a tough day.

It had started early that morning when the girls missed their school bus – not a huge deal, honestly, he was already gonna be leaving early to go get his car looked at.

But then he got shitty news from the mechanic, and then a meeting with his agent didn’t go the way he’d wanted at all, and then Hazel ended up being a total pain in the ass after he picked her up from kindergarten, and during her relentless haranguing, she knocked one of Eddie’s favorite mugs off the counter. It shattered, obviously, and she cried about it so he’d had to deal with both of those things at once, and it was just a day.

None of it was anything he couldn’t handle – the problem was the compounding nature of it and the way he basically just had to stew in it all until the next obstacle came along and made shit even worse.

All Eddie really wanted was Steve, and how Steve being around made dealing with this stuff so much easier, even if every other circumstance was the same.

He has to share Steve, though, and today he’s sharing him with Steve’s work until four o’clock.

It’s fine.

He can wait until four.

The older two girls got off their bus at half-past three, and, seriously, someone must have put something in the water this morning because they are in rare goddamn form today. If Hazel alone was bad, all three of them together were…well, thrice that. It’s like the universe said I see your bad day and I raise you three elementary schoolers hitting their peak annoyance thresholds simultaneously.

And it’s not like Eddie can even fucking fold, either.

It’s cold and kind of windy outside, which is Eddie’s least favorite weather and he’d thought maybe the girls would want to go right inside, but no. Of course they want to dig out the chalk that got stashed away in the garage last fall, and while Eddie is stuck shivering outside breaking up dumb arguments about who’s allowed to use which colors (he figured the answer was an obvious everyone, but apparently that’s incorrect), Steve leaves a message saying he tacked on an emergency session onto the end of his day and now he’s not out until five.

Eddie doesn’t hear it until he’s back inside, obviously, but when he does it’s like someone ran a whole fucking dagger through his chest.

He’s halfway through making dinner when Steve gets home (he’d actually be done making dinner if the pot of water hadn’t boiled off while he’d dealt with yet another stupid argument), and he drops everything to meet him at the door.

It’s like Steve can tell in an instant the kind of day Eddie had.

“What happened?” he asks as he toes off his shoes.

Eddie shakes his head, “Everything…nothing…I don’t even know. Just…one of those days.”

Steve nods his understanding, and as soon as he’s got his coat hung up he’s pulling Eddie into a hug.

It ends up being kind of a bone-crushing one — that’s on Eddie, though. He’d just fucking needed it. He knows he’d needed it when Steve’s arms tighten around his shoulders and he feels that much better.

“You okay?” Steve asks without letting him go, the breath of his words hitting warm against Eddie’s neck.

“Just tired,” he answers.

Steve pulls away.

“You can take a break, Ed,” he says, and there’s something in his eyes – not concern, exactly, but more like awareness, “I’ll be up in a bit.”

Eddie just nods and heads for the stairs. As he goes, he faintly hears Steve asking, “What the hell did you guys do to Dad today?”, followed by the girls’ defensive protests.

In their room, Eddie makes it through one full rerun of Star Trek and then the first few minutes of a second before Steve joins him.

He notices that it’s quiet downstairs for the first time that evening, and he tries not to take it too personally. He’s always been comfortable in the knowledge that Steve might be better at the whole parenting thing than him (psych degrees and all that), but, shit, if he’s that much better…

“What’d you do, strangle them?” Eddie asks as Steve swaps his jeans out for a pair of faded plaid pajama pants.

“No, I told them that if I hear a single peep in the next hour I’m beheading all their stuffed animals.”

Eddie blinks.

Okay, maybe better isn’t exactly the right word.

“So they’re on verbal lockdown, basically,” Steve finishes.

“Jesus Christ, Steve,” Eddie shakes his head, “You’re kind of crazy.”

“Yeah, well, you were always gonna rub off on me one of these days — don’t.”

And Eddie couldn’t help the way he threw his head back and laughed.

#idk steve is just eddie's person #he gets him -- all the way down to his ear for a dirty joke #steddie #liv’s steddie dads verse #steddie dads #steve harrington #eddie munson

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vickysaurus · 1 year

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Is your neighbour’s fancy breed Velociraptor the talk of the town?

Do you wish for the kind of social media clout only a tyrannosaur can bring, but are your house and food budget way too small for them?

Nanotyrannus is an adorable pet just waiting to be brought home to your adoring family! Fluffy and pettable, yet every bit as cool as its bigger cousins! Nanotyrannus will roll over for a tummy rub and a snuggle, but bite powdered feathers out of that fancy Velociraptor’s tail at the park! Won’t claw furniture and probably no licence needed!

Nanotyrannus is that unique pet for your home and children. They don't bark, they don't cause allergies, they're real actual miniature tyrannosaurs that will always look up to you because they don't grow big.

So flap on down to Dirty Doris’s Dinosaur Shack and come get your Nanotyrannus today! We're practically giving them away, so get a few extra as surprise gifts for the dinosaur lover in your life!

(All sales are final. Dirty Doris’s Dinosaur Shack is not responsible for any damage caused by any pet dinosaur, including but not limited to property damage, injury, mild cases of death, allergies, heavy cases of death, or fisherman's lip. All pet dinosaurs need training and experienced handlers. Most jurisdictions require pet dinosaur owners to be licensed. Dirty Doris’s Dinosaur Shack does not sell dinosaur licenses, but if someone were to ask about them Dirty Doris does have tips on how to cut through the red tape and obtain one quickly and legally for a small donation to a charity of Dirty Doris’s choosing)

#coproliteposting #palaeoblr #t. rex #tyrannosaur #theropod #dinosaur #cretaceous #paleopet #the joke is ‘nanotyrannus’ is a baby t. rex #also teacup pigs #do not buy any pets ever from dirty doris or her ilk #cw: unreality #graphic design is my passion #i think i went through every font i could get into gimp

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silvantransthranduiltrash · 7 months

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Book!Thranduil really was like:

Thranduil: *catches dwarves, a race his people isn’t that friendly with, trespassing on their land during a celebration* why are y’all infiltrating our territory?

Dwarves: fuck you

Thranduil: alright, imma put you in the time-out corner until you’re ready to talk.

Several days and 1 dragon later

Dwarves: even thought we screwed the humans over, got many of them killed, destroyed their homes, and could have potentially destroyed even more because we awoke a dragon and proceeded to not lift a finger to fight it, we will not share a dime of our treasure with you!

Humans: fuck you give us some money! At this point, we should just kill you and take it all ourselves for all the grief you’ve caused us!

Thranduil: jesus fucking christ-

Thranduil: NO ONE’S KILLING ANYONE FOR MONEY

Thranduil: Let’s calm down, children. We can talk this out like grown adults.

Bilbo: *tries to manage a truce between both sides*

Thranduil: you’re the only one i respect

Gandalf: well-

Thranduil: shut up.

#before anyone comes at me for doing the dwarves dirty #the dearves in the hobbit were literal assholes #i’m not even joking the movie made them redeemable #but in the books they sucked #lord of the rings #lotr #the hobbit #lotr elves #thranduil #incorrect tolkien quotes #incorrect lotr quotes #incorrect hobbit quotes #book thranduil guys!#why did the movies do thranduil dirty like that???#guy was literally the chill adult

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beefcakekinard · 1 month

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buck makes a "nobody puts baby in the corner" joke and chimney howard 'how do you not understand my references' han slowly turns to him and goes. "what did you just say?".

suddenly buck's got a dopey grin on his face and he says "tommy and i watched dirty dancing the other night-" and chimney has already stopped listening bc he has to go add a dollar to his and hen's tommy-mentions jar.

#it started as a joke but the jar has already funded their lunches a few times #bucktommy #that poll has really done me in like DIRTY DANCING??? i'm supposed to consider bucktommy watching DIRTY DANCING and feel NORMAL about it???#rose.txt

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malcontentonline · 16 days

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After Mission Cuddles ~

Bonus:

#kakagai #kakshi hatake #might guy #rin nohara #im sorry but kishismoto did rin so dirty with pairing up gai and kakashi after obito died #my girl really couldn't catch a break #this is a joke btw

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salmonella-destroyer-of-worlds · 23 days

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Is not nature beautiful?

#dank memes #funny post #meme #dank #funny #funny pics #silly #funny pictures #dankest memes #humor #nature #dirty jokes

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loudclan-clangen · 1 month

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Loudclan - Moon 18:

Mothtree and Bitterpelt sneak out of camp one night to explore the forbidden cave.

Mothtree and Bitterpelt are hit by a monster and killed. They were both 19 moons old.

[Should I wait to post this in the morning when it will get more interaction? Probably, but I don’t want you folks to wake up to this. She’s gone guys. I’m so fucking sorry. I had no idea people were gonna love her so much, I mean I knew that I loved her but I also knew what was gonna happen and I felt SO bad watching people get attached knowing that this was coming. Oh well, die the fan or live long enough to watch yourself become the content creator I guess.]

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