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lis-likes-fics · 25 days

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Perfection

Pairings: Spencer Reid x bau!adhd!Reader Word Count: 2.6k words Warnings: Mentions of rape, mentions of murder, dead body, crime scene, descriptions of gore, typical Criminals Minds stuff, character with ADHD, mentions of medication... A/N: This is a little more self-indulgent than I meant for it to be, but I do want to point out that this is some of my experience with ADHD, so I'm not just writing random stuff. It is slightly exaggerated, but I also say that about everything I do and it is pointed out that this is based off an off day.

The long alleyway makes for a nice crime scene, specifically because, despite the busy streets of this city, it's secluded and easy to overlook. It's not too small that the police team cannot fit, but it's small enough that you couldn't cram a really small building into the space. You don’t know how that’s relevant, but somehow it is.

The scene is relatively fresh, the latest of three that brought the BAU to the case. The police handling the scene had it cleared off for you, Spencer, and Derek to examine, via Hotch’s orders.

Spencer's watching you because he loves watching you, and because you're a little off today. There's something about the way you shuffle on your feet or the way you chew on the dead skin of your lip that he finds peculiar. To be fair, you're like this a lot, but today your symptoms are more obvious than usual.

Your eyes scan over the scene with a million different thoughts rushing through your head, less than fifty percent of them actually coherent and fit for conversation.

The three of you spitball ideas back and forth as you look at the man laying cold on the concrete. He's white, lean with light hair and a relatively thin frame. He's nothing like the other two victims, who's physical profiles were all over the place. The only thing they have in common with one another is a single occupation—male prostitution. While this and the first worked on the streets, the second’s job actually took place within a gay strip club a few blocks away from here.

He's got a starting blow to the back of the head, like the other two, and a number of bad bruising and heavy brutality to the rest with overkill to the chest, hands, and genitals. The message feels clear, but there's something a little off.

“Judging by the position of the body,” you speak, your hands restless, “and the way the weapon is discarded, I think our unsub snuck up on our victim in a blitz attack, hit him with the lead pipe, and ran that way.”

You don't point in any particular direction. Spencer glances up from his spot crouched next to the body. Your eyes are stuck on the bloody pipe several feet away from the body toward the secluded area around the back of the building that leads to more secluded walkways through more alleyways.

There is a long pause where they wait for you to explain, but you never do. Spencer thinks you look far off as he examines your face. Derek looks at you, his brow furrowed as he glances around. “Which way?”

“What?” you hum, looking up at him.

Derek elaborates, “Which way did the unsub go?”

It’s your turn to furrow your brow, turning the thin ring on your middle finger. “Did I say something about the unsub?”

Spencer stands, moving over to your side without spending too much time looking at your face. He doesn't want you to feel dumb or awkward, because he loves you and you're just a little forgetful sometimes.

“Yes,” he says in no particular way. “You said the unsub blitzed the victim and ran. Which way did he run?”

He achieves his goal, because you seem to make an “Oh, duh!” face before pointing in the direction of the street. “That way.”

He follows your finger, his brows knitting together. “That way toward the street?” He looks at the pipe, sitting in the exact opposite direction, like they ran and dropped it. “The pipe looks like he'd run the other way to avoid the street. Why do you think he ran toward?” It's a genuine question.

“To throw us off,” you shrug. “It's riskier to go toward the street, but it's also less suspicious than walking alone in the opposite direction where someone could see you and the victim and assume fault.”

He hums. You add on, speaking as quickly as Spencer usually does, “It also means he looks normal enough that he blends in with the crowd. Someone would see a strange figure coming out of a dark alley, no one would really notice a passerby turning a corner. And if this is a popular spot, it's too loud to hear anything going on all the way back here anyway, or no one thinks much of grunting noises when they do hear it.”

You trail off at the end, tight brows staring at the corpse. Derek shrugs, “But what was our victim doing all the way over here in the first pla–”

“There's something in his mouth,” you interrupt accidentally.

“What?”

You kneel down, taking the offered gloves from Spencer and putting them on. You open his mouth just a slight, spotting the white sticking out from under his tongue. Upon seeing it, both of the boys furrow their brows and tilt their heads. Spencer hands you some tweezers he'd borrowed from forensics for this reason.

Carefully, without disturbing the body as much as possible, you remove the strange object from under the tongue. It's a tiny slip of paper, folded up very small and still a little damp from saliva and any other bodily fluids it may have come in contact with. You unfold it.

“‘Unclean’,” Spencer reads from over your shoulder.

“That makes sense for the victimology mixed with the profile. He's a male prostitute,” Derek points out.

“Which explains the locale,” you say, rocking back and forth on your heels.

“What?”

“The locale,” you look up. “You asked why he was here. He must have been working, lured down here by the unsub, who waited for him to turn his back before he struck.”

Spencer agrees, taking a picture of the slip to send to Hotch. “He was killed at night. The streets are crowded, easy to slip into and not be seen. It's more risky to stray by yourself. What you said makes sense.”

You look up at him, standing to your full height again. “What did I say?” There you go again.

Morgan speaks up, “What you said about him runnin’ toward the street.”

Confusion passes your mind momentarily. “He ran toward the street.” You don't say it like a question, you say it like you're trying to back yourself up on it.

“That's what you said,” he insists.

You remember thinking that, but you don't remember saying that out loud.

Spencer swoops in like your hero, brushing his knuckles against the side of your arm. “Remember? You said,” he licks his lips, “ ‘it's riskier to go toward the street, but it's also less suspicious than walking alone in the opposite direction where someone could see you and the victim and assume fault.’ ”

You nod, remembering his word-by-word recitation as you watch him. “Yeah. I did say that.” You flag down one of the forensics workers to bag the evidence. She does so, taking your contaminated gloves with her as she leaves. You squirt a hefty amount of hand sanitizer on your hands from its place on your belt loop. “This is the first victim who's been left behind with a note, right?”

“Yes, autopsy results found nothing like this on the other victims.”

“If the victim was working when he was attacked, it’s possible that, paired with the brutality of the assault and the note left behind, our unsub may be experiencing some kind of internalized homophobia.” You trail off at the end.

Derek shrugs, looking down at the body. “There’s no evidence of sexual assault. Not on the other victims, at least.”

“How old do you think this building is?”

Spencer looks at you, your eyes scanning the wall of one of the buildings you’re between. Your bottom lip is pulled between your teeth, picking at the dead skin again. He thinks you’re cute.

“Focus, honeybun,” Derek reminds you, pulling your attention again.

“Sorry.”

“Judging by the faded color and uneven edges of the brick, and the decay in the mortar,” Spencer says, “I’d say this building is at least 50 years old. Well kept at one point and then let go not long after its production.”

You nod along slowly, taking in the information with a hum. “That’s cool…” Now that that’s out of your mind, you think for a moment. What were you saying again? Spencer watches your eyes light up. “Oh!” You turn to Derek. “He’s obviously confrontational, but he may still be very insecure in his ability and, thus, have to make up for his pent up energy with an excess of violence. Homophobia would explain the obliteration of the chest, hands, and especially the genitalia.”

Derek raises a brow. “What?”

“You asked about sexual assault,” you shrug. “If he continues to escalate above the note, we may see these words carved into the skin as a substitute for sexual violence, or even just blatant rape activity.”

Derek thinks about that, considering your analysis with a nodding head. He sighs and hums, “Alright, I’ll talk to Hotch.” He begins to turn away, grabbing his phone.

Spencer thinks you may have gotten distracted again because you ask, “Did I do something wrong?”

Derek looks back at you, shaking his head and flashing you one of his charming smiles. “No, honeybun, you’re perfect.”

“Oh.”

He leaves to take that call. You start to walk after him and Spencer gently takes your hand. You turn to face him, confused at first but giving him a sweet smile only a second later. “Are you okay?” he asks gently, his voice soft.

You tilt your head, “What do you mean?”

Spencer shrugs, taking your other hand just to rub his thumbs over your knuckles. “You’re hyper today, a little more distracted.”

As if proving his point, you begin shifting back and forth on your feet, shrugging and then shaking your head at the same time. “I’m okay,” you assure him, squeezing his hands gently. “I haven’t taken my medication in a couple days.”

He furrows his brow, suddenly a little worried. “Why not?”

“Didn’t feel like it. Also, I forgot it.” That makes sense. Spencer makes a mental note to remind you to take them as soon as you get back home. “But I’m okay, prommy.”

He smiles. “Prommy?”

“Promise,” you clarify, letting both your hands down so you can swing his from side to side. He lets you.

“I know what you mean,” he says. Though he knows he should probably be more professional because you’re both in public and leaving a crime scene (and Hotch might reprimand the both of you for it if he saw) he raises a hand to cradle your cheek because he doesn’t care. He just wants you to feel safe and loved. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

You nod definitely. “I’m good.”

“Okay,” The way he says it is soft, as soft as a kiss to your forehead or a brush of his knuckles on your skin. “You know, I love you, right?”

You nod, smiling at him like he’s the world—because he is. “Yeah. I love you, too, honey.” You kiss his cheek quickly and pat it. You probably shouldn’t have done it right then, but you did, and you don’t regret it for even a moment.

Spencer’s just happy you know he loves you. “Okay,” he says. “Let’s go before Morgan leaves us.” He takes your hand as you both begin walking. He swings your joined hands, just as he knows you like it.

“He wouldn’t leave me,” you shake your head. “He likes me too much.”

Spencer chuckles. “Everyone likes you.”

“Not everyone.”

He looks at you, furrowing his brow. “Who doesn’t like you?”

“I don’t know,” you shrug. And then immediately after, “Why does the sun look yellow? Isn’t it supposed to be white or something? I heard that somewhere.”

Spencer is happy to answer your questions as he opens the car door for you. Derek is already sitting in the front, his hands on the wheel. The passenger’s seat is empty, but Spencer sits in the back with you. You both speak gently so you’re not disturbing Derek. “The Earth’s atmosphere scatters blue light more efficiently than red light, so the slight deficit in blue light means the eye perceives the color of the sun as yellow. But, yes, the sun is actually white.”

“That’s cool,” you mumble. “I think sharks would look cool as hell with piercings. Do you?”

“I do,” Spencer chuckles. In the front seat, Derek shakes his head and smiles to himself, amused by your conversation.

“Did you know that sharks don’t have bones, so when they die, the saltwater dissolves their bodies so the only thing that’s left is their teeth?” You begin ranting, absent-mindedly picking at dirty under your nails. “And also, their bodies are primarily made of cartilage and connective tissue. It’s lighter than bone and keeps them flamboyant. Also, their skin has a similar feel to sandpaper.”

When you ramble, you sound like Spencer. You spend so much time with him and endorse his info dumps so much that you take on his speech style when you go on info dumps of your own. Spencer loves this because he knows that people tend to mimic the people they love as a sign of affection, and you mimic him a lot more than you think.

He also knew about all your shark facts, but he’s happy to listen. He smiles, “Is that what you were doing up late last night?”

You smile a little, turning away from him. “I got distracted.”

“What’s your thought process behind getting from the sun to sharks?” he wonders. “I’m curious.”

You shrug. “Well, you said your thing and I said it was cool. And then I remembered a post I saw that sharks would be cool with piercings. Then I remembered my shark things.” You glance down at your fingers, bringing them to your lips as you notice a tiny part at the very edge of the nail where it would probably tear off. “I just think sharks are cool,” you mumble around your finger.

“They are cool,” he says. He doesn’t want you to accidentally hurt yourself so he adds on, “Will you hold my hand? It’s a little cold.”

You look down at them, “Yeah.” With a nod, you take his hand between both of yours and let them warm his back up. They’re a bit chilly but they don’t feel that cold to you. You hold them anyway, because you love holding his hand. You intertwine your fingers with his and then cover what’s left.

“Thank you, sweetheart,” he says. He thinks for a moment. “Did you eat today?”

You nod, still watching his hand as you turn it to look at his palm. You gently trace the lines of it, forgetting for the moment that he’d wanted you to warm his hand up for him. But, as usual, he doesn’t mind. “I had a cereal bar this morning. One of those Coco Puff ones. They’re like Rice Krispy Treats.” He doesn’t think that’s sustainable. “And, before you ask, I did have water.”

He smiles. “I know. I told you to drink some before we left. You hungry?”

You shake your head, “Not really.”

“You want a snack?” he compromises, hoping—and knowing—you’ll say yes.

“Yes, please.”

“Okay,” he hums. “We’ll grab one on the way back.” Derek nods gently, remembering to do just that. It will only take a moment.

“Thank you.”

“Thank you,” Spencer says, his voice lowering to a whisper. He knows Derek can still hear him, but he always just wants to whisper to you.

You look up at him, “For what?”

“Being so perfect.”

You scoff, rolling your eyes but ultimately smiling at the warmth in your chest. “You’re so cheesy, Spencer Reid.”

He’ll gladly be cheesy for you.

Criminal Minds taglist: @queermaxwooo @mdanon027 @lilianhallee @hpstuff244444 @thegr8estpuff @niktwazny303 @bubbles2300 Tag yourself here...

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fanfiction #female reader #reader insert #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds fanfiction #fanfic #fanfiction

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homunculus-argument · 1 year

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I was born and raised American, but with everything that's happened over the past few years I've been considering moving to another country. but I don't know if this is just "the grass is greener". Not sure if this really fits with your blog, but as someone from Europe what's your attitude towards living in the US?

I've visited there a handful of times and most of my thoughts are "damn bitch, y'all really live like this?" People in Finland like to complain about the climate, the taxes, and how stingy the welfare systems are (if you currently rely on them) or how costly they are (if you're currently not relying on them), but honestly most of the time that's because people are used to having it so good, or don't really have a perspective of how bad everyone would be doing without the infrastructure that everything runs on.

Sure, nowhere is perfect, and there's always room for improvement, but honestly the people I've met in the US only really seem to think that their system is good because they've never been anywhere else and don't know any better.

Mostly it's stuff that you'd never think about if you hadn't been to both places, like being able to trust that tap water is drinkable or that you can safely walk/bike to wherever you need to go. The US really doesn't have the kind of ability to just hang out in public places, just walking to the town and sitting on benches. Having public parks and libraries isn't really the same if you can't just walk there, and you genuinely need a car to go anywhere.

I moan and lament a lot about how the winters here are hard to endure - at the darkest time of the year the sun rises at 9 and sets before 5 pm - but I wouldn't move from here just because of that, mainly because of how reliably everything is structured here. Sure, it's all run with funds from relatively high taxes, but that is a self-feeding loop on its own. The tax-paying workforce isn't a disposable resource that's wrung dry once and tossed out when it's broken, but even when you're just another cog in the machine, you're one that's maintained, not replaced if broken.

I had a lot of breakdowns when I was younger, largely due to depression and other mental issues I had due to the undiagnosed ADHD. When I started breaking down at work in my old factory job, they couldn't just fire me on the spot because of the workers' union fought tooth and nail to make sure that you can't throw people out for getting sick, and mental illness is treated no different from other health issues. I was allowed to take two years off work in order to study into a career I thought would fit me better. That didn't turn out well either, but I was still allowed to bounce back and forth between odd jobs, sick leave, and studying - all on government pensions during the spots when I wasn't working a wage - until I found the right diagnosis, the right medications, and the right job.

It's not a hyperbole to say that I owe my life to the ample and studry social welfare systems that Finland has in place. Sure, you're just another brick in the wall, a cog in the machine, but if you keep breaking down, it takes a long time until they completely give up on you if you can somehow make them believe that you're trying, because it's cheaper for the tax system to figure out how to make you fit into the machine than just toss you out. A human being is an expensive investment and if getting you to the right job, education, diagnosis, medication or even arranged housing is what it takes to get your ass back into the workforce, they'll at least try.

I'm perfectly happy to pay the taxes here to fund the system that helped me onto my feet when I was in no condition to function, and to support the people who never do recover, find their place, or be able to support themselves on their own. And I can live with the peace of mind that even if I fall apart again, that safety net is still there. It's brutal, pragmatic, and regards your health and welfare as a means to an end - to get you working and paying taxes again - but they still do prioritise your welfare. Cogs are cheaper to maintain than replace.

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jackiestarsister · 2 years

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There is a musical about ADHD

Since apparently it’s ADHD Awareness Month, I thought I’d share something I wrote recently: my reaction to discovering the musical adaptation of The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan.

I read The Lightning Thief as a young teen, though not the rest of the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series. I’m now revisiting the series because this summer, I came across the musical soundtrack on Spotify, and then found recordings of productions on YouTube.

With music and lyrics by Rob Rokicki and a book by Joe Tracz, The Lightning Thief: The Percy Jackson Musical is impressively faithful to the source material. Even with some changes from page to stage, the storytelling quality is fantastic (much better than the movies!). But what really surprised and impressed me was how much it resonated with me as someone who has ADD. Altogether, the musical feels like an allegory for the neurodivergent experience.

In the book, there are scattered references to ADHD and the kinds of symptoms it manifests—impulsiveness, procrastination, time blindness (demonstrated quite literally by the lotus-eaters). But the show delves much deeper into the emotional life of a person who has a learning disability or mental disorder: alienation, anger, resentment, self-blame, low self-esteem. The music matches these emotions, often angsty and sometimes harsh. The overall tone of the show is chaotic, which is how our brains and our lives can feel. The lyrics of some songs may sound like a lot of whining, but imagine the kind of real-life thought spiral that that represents. (Then imagine being frustrated with yourself after realizing how much time you just wasted on that worrying.)

What’s cool is that in the story, conditions like ADHD and dyslexia are explained to be characteristics of the demigods, because their minds are hardwired for ancient Greek, and their bodies have instincts and reflexes that would keep them alive in battle. In a very real way, the things that make them different—the things that Percy initially thinks are causing his problems and holding him back in life—turn out to be their greatest assets. That’s an empowering idea, and expressing it through music makes it even more powerful!

It's also good to see that the characters with ADHD are not stereotyped. The same condition can look different in different people, due to a variety of factors--how they are wired, the individual’s response to having it, and the kind of environment they are in. Contrast Percy, who is put through tough schools and labeled as a delinquent, and Annabeth, who trains at a camp for kids like her and is a complete perfectionist. We have different personalities, we develop different kinds of coping mechanisms, and we go on different journeys of learning to function in a world that was not designed for minds like ours.

Honestly, it feels like Percy and the other half-bloods could be speaking for all neurodivergent people. The encouragement of “Strong,” the anger and despondency of “Good Kid,” the longing for recognition and approval in “My Grand Plan,” the acceptance and conviction in “Son of Poseidon,” and the determination of “Bring on the Monsters” all ring true. Finding people with experiences like yours can feel like finding a new family and home. And Percy’s indecision in “Last Day of Summer” describes the kind of dilemma I've faced at different points in my life: whether to stay in an environment that is easier to function in, or venture into the world where we’ll have to face challenges.

You can find the soundtrack on YouTube or on Spotify. I strongly recommend seeing or listening to the musical if you or anyone you care about has AD(H)D, dyslexia, or other mental disorders or disabilities (or whatever the medically/socially acceptable terminology is now).

Even as an adult, the idea that qualities we consider weaknesses and deficits can actually be strengths is really encouraging and inspiring.

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sleepiest-writing · 1 month

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Hello✨✨ man I e been wanting to a mashup since forever so TYSM for this opportunity I genuinely greatly appreciate it✨

Ok so let’s see, I am 5’3 early 20s mex girlie (no real care for pronouns I’ll go by all and any) and non labeled sexuality (I’ll fall for anyone for any reason) possibly adhd or autistic but undiagnosed so no medical proof on that, I am a Scorpio, infp and year of the goat (idk I’ve seen those included in stuff) I love anything art related (arts n craft)? I draw a lot, and in turn also adore seeing peoples art journey, style and character designing. I also adore cooking and baking, but I am a beginner, learnings is so much fun anyways. I’ve been told that I can be energetic, kinda clingy, really forgetful and sweet. Which fair, my head is a constant mess that rarely runs on organized thoughts, most of it is impulsive,how fun. I get distracted easily, my attention span is pretty much nonexistent, and I forget a concerning amount of things throughout the day. I struggle to keep my areas clean but I’m getting better. My love/affection language would be physical touch, words of affirmation and gift giving, not even expensive things, for the most part it’s been homemade meals for my sisters, and small trinkets I find for my friends. I’m also a hopeless romantic, and I love all things horror :3 I also have little to no self preservation, and dares are always a go (I once ate a dandelion cuz me n my sisters thought it would be funny, and it was) oh yeah, I’m also an ambivert who loves to go outside, socializing is a nightmare but people are interesting and I wanna be more social, I’m just stupidly shy. I also have a lot of habits that others seem to like? My sisters have commented I’m very expressive via eyes, and on more than one occasion have caused them to fall laughing. A lot of my relatives have said I’m very loving and have way to much to give because I’m always hugging people I like and clinging to them (ex my favorite Tia), and friends have told me I need to stop being attached or wanting the attention of those who aren’t… All that good to me, I have a difficult time accepting things, change is hard and I can be irrational about things pertaining to my well being. And my last habit would be, that I’ve been called weak willed and dense as fuck, weak willed because it doesn’t take much to sway me, or get me to do something. And dense cuz social cues are difficult, like how am I supposed to know this person genuinely finds me enjoyable to be around, I call bs

Uh for the mashup I would like it romantic, and long If possible (idk if this is enough, sorry for the mess of info I hope it’s good enough :’3)

TYSM for granting this long time wish✨✨💕

Hello Hello! You sound absolutely wonderful, thank you for the matchup!

Also thank you for your patience because I know you've been sitting in my ask box for quite the while! Here's your lover boy ;D

꒷꒥꒷꒥꒷꒷꒥꒷꒥꒷꒷꒥꒷꒥꒷꒷꒥꒷꒥꒷꒷꒥꒷꒥꒷꒷꒥꒷꒥꒷꒷꒥꒷꒥꒷꒷꒥꒷꒥꒷꒷꒥꒷꒥꒷꒷꒥꒷꒥꒷꒷꒥꒷꒥꒷꒥

I match you up with....

TANG ! [US!papyrus]

☁︎‎‎‧ This guy WILL make you shitty crafts about your most recent interest!

☁︎‎‎‧ He LOVES when you cling to him, lets you grab his arm in public, hell depending on who's around he'll let you climb him- he loves it.

☁︎‎‎‧ he's an extroverted introvert because of his brother, so he's chill with socialising and helps create segways that include you in the conversation without that weird awkwardness.

☁︎‎‎‧ However he is also absolutely horrendous when it comes to social cues, so he tends to fall back on his jokes as a backup.

☁︎‎‎‧ Adores how expressive your facial features are, catch this idiot looking at you and just melting - especially if you're mid-ramble.

☁︎‎‎‧ Again because of this brother, He's good at cleaning and organising- So tries to help whenever you let him, he'd never move your things around without asking. He would buy so many folders and binders for you for any art you may create.

☁︎‎‎‧ At first, he'd panic a bit about you being irrational about yourself. He'd have to ask questions to try and help, he's trying.

☁︎‎‎‧ Lastly, He'd not stand for anyone calling you weak-willed, he knows how to set healthy boundaries while also dealing with people who are used to walking all over others. Hopefully you pick up on how to put your foot down, but there's no rush for that, he understands it takes time and a lot of mental effort.

꒷꒥꒷꒥꒷꒷꒥꒷꒥꒷꒷꒥꒷꒥꒷꒷꒥꒷꒥꒷꒷꒥꒷꒥꒷꒷꒥꒷꒥꒷꒷꒥꒷꒥꒷꒷꒥꒷꒥꒷꒷꒥꒷꒥꒷꒷꒥꒷꒥꒷꒷꒥꒷꒥꒷꒥

I hope you enjoyed this matchup! Once again I apologise for being so late with it but I hope your happy with it! I loved writing this :D

#utmv #undertale aus #papyrus #underswap #underswap papyrus #us papyrus #us!papyrus #swap papyrus #☁︎‎‎‧Matchy matchy #undertale #utau #matchup open #undertale matchup #fs/o #mashup #undertale au matchup #<3

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your--isgayrights · 8 months

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Probably a bit silly and you’ve likely answered this before, but do you think you’re going to come back to “at the Very least, the Wall will change?” I’m just getting into ORV and I want to read some fanfic! I promise I am patient but I’m hesitant to start reading something that’s abandoned. I hope this doesn’t come off as disrespectful! I completely understand burnout (med student here hehe) and there’s no shame is shelving a project for a time if it no longer speaks to you. I just wanted to check

You're right that I've answered this before but like it's totally fair to ask me again after how long it's been lol. Bc like I think about this a lot too and thus the answer/feelings I have about it kind of changes?

Like my journey with this fic has kind of been tumultuous because I started it before I had access to ADHD medication and a lot of my life can be divided into the Before times and the like Now Times where my baseline happiness/standard of care of myself is vastly improved. I outlined all of wall fic before publishing the first chapter and then the scenes I wanted to include took up a lot more time to create than I initially thought they would and that like frustration was really harmful to like my sense of being a "writer," I guess?

Sorry, getting into this bc I'm trying to articulate my own feelings to myself, but I'll tldr; it at the end probably.

Like when I first started wall fic it had like a strangle hold on my imagination and was a way I was able to articulate feelings about things in life. Truth is, I'm someone who has called 911 for suicide/self-harm of friends/classmates like 4-5 times before turning 18. There is this feeling of helplessness I always had as a minor that the world was always ending around me but even when I was up till 5 am making sure my friend got to the hospital ok without any way of really knowing except waiting for a text back, I still had to just buck up and go to school the next day. The emotions I have towards these times in my life really latched onto omniscient reader, because the way it discusses suicidal ideation and what can help with it rang really true to me. I love KDJ a lot, part of that is, in my interactions with suicidal ideation, his sense of narrative inevitability really describes the emotions behind it well, the feeling of "this is the only Solution that will Actually work" is sewn into the fabric of the universe as "probability." And I've actually been thinking about that term "probability" a lot lately, and how it relates to ideas about Narratives. We're always estimating the likelihood of future events based on past experiences, calling things "realistic" or not. But the function of this system in my own life has often been to convince myself to 'give up' on certain things, conserve the energy it would take to try them. Sure that has helped me when Ive not had any free time/energy in crunch times or big projects, but when something is actually important, giving up feels like shit to be honest. Which is part of why I really love and kind of idealize this character of Yoo Joonghyuk, someone who 'never gives up.' To me KDJ and yjh in wall fic represent these two radical sides of a spectrum where someone becomes unhappy by giving up caring about everything and someone becomes unhappy by never giving up on anything. KDJ is then sort of this love letter to people who give up on themselves, people who could never imagine living past a certain age and yet somehow implausibly remain. YJH is a love letter to people who have been left behind and are So aware of their choices and their power over situations that they blame themselves for things that were actually out of their control in the first place. It's these two different ways of interacting with helplessness and grief and fear, giving up knowing you never could have made a difference in the first place or being convinced you could always have done Something and blaming yourself for failing, constantly stressing about what you could have done and what you ought to do the next time it happens.

Codifying these themes into Characters is originally this fun way of exploring emotions I have about them and sharing the experience of feeling them with others without having to tear too much of my self a part. I feel like when we're young it feels like a sense of self is something like a wall, an image of ourself that we have Built and must put in work to Maintain from erosion. This sense of self and protection makes us feel distinct from other people, the line we draw where we begin and end in the universe, and they become rules dictating How we will Act and Appear towards others. Drawing these walls and lines is pretty important to KDJ's perspective in wall fic, but i now realize I had sort of started doing to myself? Towards the middle of writing it?

Just because I've been on the Internet so long, I know the sort of "narratives" of being different "kinds of authors" online. Because of this, when I started posting wall fic, something that was of a lot of concern to me was how I appeared as an Author to people reading. I honestly think now that the performance of things I associated with like Being an Author were more sort of motivated by a fear of failure and disappointing others than anything else. It's kind of only been recently that I've realized that I have a choice to do things because I enjoy them instead of the fear of not doing them, which sounds a little crazy/obvious to be honest, but forcing myself to be an honor roll student for like more than a third of my adolescence while completely unmedicated kind of made that sort of intrinsic fear of disappointing others the ole'reliable of Task Motivation. Participating in ORV fandom has sort of been this emotional tight rope walk for me of like. Kind of really desperately desiring validation from others but also being afraid of receiving it bc of like the pressure it then puts on to Keep Doing the thing that Works and otherwise feeling like a Failure. But obviously like creative writing isn't going to have the same like Fear/Urgency factor as life stuff and it shouldn't feel that way, anyway, tbh. I'm kind of having to like. Re-invent the idea of writing being Fun and Relaxing for myself. And the idea that talking to other people on the internet (also like. People in general I still do this at uni even) does not actually have to have like any performative elements or factors of like? Disguise? Because like my sense of self doesn't actually have to be a wall I keep building and have to repatch whenever someone comes along with a pickaxe like my sense of self doesn't actually need a metaphor attached to it because it just is what it is lol. Like whatever I am RN is my "self" and that meaning would only suffer under the restraint of comparison, lol.

It's been easier to like feel normaler/better quicker in like my day to day stuff, but because a lot of the time I spent previously trying to write wall fic lies in that like that brain space where I felt afraid and stressed out etc I think I currently have like an aversion to sitting down with it out of like a fear of returning to that mindset. Because I'm like looking it in the face and such I do have like strategies of getting over it like doing warmups or taking time to make nice writing spaces and having a name to/strategies to access the creative part of my brain, but that stuff takes time and because it's a lot less likely I'll have writing on the brain than go through my every day life like the process of becoming normaler/feeling better goes a lot faster day to day than in my approach to writing.

Because in my brain the progress of wall fic is a sort of gentle curve I've been trying to shape the growth of upwards, I wouldn't say it's abandoned at all. But also like because the next "update" is not really guaranteed and I'm kind of hesitant to force myself to commit to a timeline for finishing/releasing it, I think it makes sense to like hesitate about starting it as a reader? In terms of a sense of completion, the chapters are organized in such a way that each one concerns a sort of complete Section of KDJ's life/relationships, tho. Like, Chapter 1 shows KDJ and YJH's first meeting as kids and establishes the "soulmate" setting. Chapter 2 shows the life KDJ carved himself to thereafter, how he and YJH's paths have diverged, established the stakes of KDJ's current "world" in a way parallel to the first few chapters of wos/orv. Chapter 3 focuses on how the soulmate worldview and KDJ + YJH's characters/past interact with the way they view children/the idea of "childhood/youth." Chapter 4 is meant to show how that worldview encounters adult life/ adult friendships/relationships, but the final part of it is something I'm still working on a bit. The structure is such that I tend to bring the end of the chapter back to a moment of peace/resolution/settling in the "new world" after the events of the chapter and then writing a one sentence cliff hanger about what the next chapter includes. So if you want to give some of it a read but don't want to be left feeling too incomplete, I'd read up till before the last sentence of Chapter 3, tho that's a bit silly, lol.

I will say again and have said before, I don't mind that much getting thoughtful comments/messages like yours at all. Thoughtful in the sense of like, desiring a response from me as a person, I suppose? Towards the start of writing online i really like needed the validation of little comments to feel good about myself/my work, but now I realize that the thing I like actually desire that ao3 comments aren't often a good format for is that I just like talking/discussing these things with other people. Sometimes comments will make me feel more like an unpaid customer service representative getting feedback or a student looking at a quick note on my report card. The kind I like most are messages where people want to ask me questions, argue with me about something, share something of their own interaction with the text that there's room for me to interact back with them as a person. The thing I hate most is feeling like I care too much about something/talk/think too much to the point that people are tired of hearing from me/form a bad opinion of me.

So like typing this all out has actually put myself in the brain space of remembering some of the things I like to write about and feel and how the current part of wall fic explores them. I'm kind of setting up my computer and such to start working on it like rn actually, hopefully the like feelings I'm having towards wall fic won't evaporate when i have to go to my class in 1/2 an hour or when i try to reread some of what I've written so far lol.

TLDR; Wall fic isn't abandoned or on hiatus or anything, but I am super slow about it lol. If you wanna give it a read I recommend stopping before the last sentence of Chapter 3 if you don't want any "cliff hangy" feelings. Questions like yours that ask me to interact with orv/wall fic/related themes do honestly help me start thinking about it again and I'll probably try to work on some of it tonight bc of you so thanks 👍

#long post #wall fic #ask #anonymous #TLDR; Wall fic isn't abandoned or on hiatus or anything #but I am super slow about it lol. If you wanna give it a read I recommend stopping before the last sentence of Chapter 3 if you don't want #any “cliff hangy” feelings.#Questions like yours that ask me to interact with orv/wall fic/related themes do honestly help me start thinking about it again and I'll pr #obably try to work on some of it tonight bc of you so thanks 👍

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dumpster-dive-reading · 2 years

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A weird overview of the "Human Domestication Guide" shared universe

I was browsing AO3 the other day looking for fics centered around hypnosis, I kept finding stories with cool looking prompts and a shared fandom: Human Domestication Guide/ Original Work

The premise for a lot of them was really promising: a bunch of aliens using mind control on humans to make them their pets? So, I checked it out.

In two days, I've spent probably 14 hours reading HDG fics. I have work to do, I can't be doing this! If only those plant aliens could give me some ADHD medication, amiright?

I think that the premise and where authors choose to write with it is kind of an interesting dynamic. What sounds like a great concept for a psychological horror/ thriller is a community that writes a lot of fluff. I love it.

I think a lot of the concepts for HDG are used for wish fulfillment. The main character is trans, and is suddenly given access to gender affirming healthcare and compassion. The main character is sick, and is suddenly cared for without compromising themselves (more on this later). The main character is lonely, and suddenly their thrust into a very loving and compassionate environment.

That's where I think a lot of the appeal is for HDG. Above everything else, the hot plant people just want to love you, and care for you, and help you become your best self. It touches a craving within all of us- the desire to be loved.

But after reading a fair amount of HDG fics, there's one question that keeps nagging at me: Would you really want to be a floret to an Affini?

The thing about the affini is that they don't see sophants as their equals. They keep other species as pets. They use drugs to bend a person's mind to their will, sometimes without the person's consent. Are you okay with that? Are you okay with the consequences associated with it?

Becoming a floret to an Affini means that you're bound to them. It ties you to their presence, to the extent that it is incredibly difficult to live without them. In "A Danger to Oneself and Others" we get a really good look at what a floret is without their Affini. It's not a pretty picture. After being forcibly taken from the plant people, the florets are shattered. They huddle together in a group and cry, incredibly depressed, in a state of confusion and chaos. Even the ex-military Clara ends up breaking down a few times, and is only able to save them out of a desire to protect the other florets and get them home. "Stages of Succession" describes a stubborn general being domesticated almost exclusively through their implant. The human finds that they need to spend a certain amount of time with their Affini every single day- going from one hour to two in the early parts of the fic. They end up looking into the Affini's eyes, and end up in a hypnotic trance. After that, they end up craving looking into the Affini's eyes again. Despite their hatred for the Affini, the human ends up craving her touch, to the point that it becomes painful to be away for too long.

On top of that, the person will often end up very dependent on their Affini. As in "they take care of every one of my needs" levels of dependent.

That's a powerful general, and an Affini that isn't using their xenodrugs.

Plus, there's the mental manipulation that Affini can do. They can block out certain thoughts, and put ones into a person's brain. It's used in Wellness Check to prevent the main character from self depricating. They can create, edit, remove, and restore memories. In Wellness Check, the main character loses their memory of becoming a floret.

That's one of the most terrifying concepts in HDG: the idea of being controlled without being aware that you're being controlled.

There's another short called "sleepy bitch" where the character has narcolepsy and just really wants to sleep all the time. They end up turning into a cat, much to the shock of their friend. It's clear that they like being a cat, but still. Their friend also becomes a cat, and the Affini ends up tying their minds together, making the narcolepsy spread to her friend.

...but at the same time...

It's clear that the humans in HDG are better off after the Affini invade. The terran world is objectively kind of terrible: it's like super-ultra-mega-death-capitalism. Fighting for the Terran defense sounds objectively terrible. "Lost in Eden" describes the conditions on a good terran warship: it's falling apart, cramped, bad food, full of transphobes and toxic masculinity, oh yeah and the entire ship explodes because it's in disrepair.

It isn't the only mind control we see either. "Black Start" describes Terran war conditions, where the solider has little to no memories and has been hypnotised. They then end up being influenced by another alien tech, which takes over their mind and conditions them into becoming a robot. Even after the human is rescued by the Affini, the robot is still there. They say they don't mind, that life is better this way.

It's still kind of terrifying.

To lose all of your indiduality and be sworn into a obedience and subservience to your master. To have someone control your thoughts, to the extent that if you ever have a thought they don't agree with they make you unaware you'd ever thought it. To be formed into a pet, sometimes striped of your ability to do anything at all.

But you're loved. Isn't that worth it?

#human domestication guide #hdg #I've read so much #so much book

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sparklekitteh · 2 years

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Can we talk just a moment about how Eddie Munson is so ADHD-coded? And how well Joseph Quinn (instinctually, or intentionally, I'm not sure) played a teenager with untreated neurodivergency in the 80s?

Boy is pure hyperkinesis: Constantly fidgeting, twirling his hair when he talks to Chrissy (ADORABLE), pacing... yes, a lot of it is from the pressure of the unfolding story but look at him before anything bad happened to him. He was like a spring wound too tight even when times were good.

Unable to pass English class yet weaving stories with the Hellfire Club, indicative of a mind that hyperfixates on preferred tasks and struggles with tasks that aren't interesting

Highly stimulative musical preference

Self-medicating with drugs

He is very perceptive, empathetic, and he *sees* people for who they are. High emotional intelligence, high empathy (I think this is why he sees the younger students as sheepies to be guided TToTT)

SPOILERS FOLLOW

Okay, this is a headcanon and a spoiler: When we learned that Eddie is 17 from his missing poster, my mind went back to him saying 86 was his year, that he would finally get to graduate. At first I thought he was saying he had been held back, but I don't think that's the case. Eddie's not a dumb kid by any stretch.

Headcanon: Eddie is the poster child of gifted child syndrome.

Probably skipped a grade in elementary school because he was SMART -- probably excelled at math, reading, everything, and teachers were thrilled.

Eventually faced challenges that didn't stimulate his brain and it all came crashing down -- couple that with a dysfunctional home life (mom isn't in the picture, dad was hotwiring cars and now in jail I guess?, ended up fostering with his uncle) and you have the recipe for a kid who turns to music, drugs, and DnD for comfort, stimulation, and escape, and barely passes by in school.

In my experience as a kid in American schools in the 80s/90s before the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) was passed in 1990, the American education system in the 80s didn't really have supports for kids with ADHD, autism, neurodivergency... basically, you either had maybe 1-2 teachers who understood and tried to help you by adjusting lessons or having mercy on your grades, or you started failing and getting in trouble because you couldn't conform to their expectations. A lot of kids with behavioral issues ended up being either homeschooled or going to alternative schools, often military academies or juvenile reform schools that were like... your last stop before jail.

I think Eddie was on track to graduate early until he hit that roadblock and started failing English class. Maybe he had a teacher who expected him to conform to their lesson plan and didn't give him room to adjust to his needs, or maybe he just entirely lost interest after DnD took over his attention.

All he really needed was an understanding teacher and maybe someone to tutor him, help him study and pass that damned English class.

Please Eddie, English was my favorite and I have a weakness for long-haired metalhead outcasts

Long story short, the American school system failed Edward Munson and they and all of Hawkins owe him an apology and a hero's tribute in the town square.

#eddie munson #stranger things #adhd things #stranger things headcanons #eddie my beloved

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frengles · 27 days

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5.16.24 (26 years old and 3.5 months)

When I was growing up, I used to turn on the shower and sit on the bathroom floor while I waited for the water to heat up. It didn't take that long, but I would always pretend it took longer so I could think. I would try and imagine writing a memoir of my life. How I would describe the shape of my sadness, the vectors of my suffering. It was never something I actually tried to write, because I reasoned that it wouldn't be interesting useful or properly uplifting unless I could squarely secure those years as past, precursor to a life wherein one overcame, and overcomes. I would shut my eyes and think how when I was older, I would write things gesturing at, "I was so sad back then. You can't even imagine the miserable little life I lived. But it's ok, now. I have everything I want. I haven't even sat on the bathroom floor in years."

I started writing an old friend a letter this week. She recently got accepted into medical school and is moving out of our home state for the first time and is nervous. She asked me if I had plans for when I come back from Japan this summer, and I responded and told her that I actually decided to stay another year. She hasn't gotten back to me yet. In the letter I started I wrote her, "I think we’ve grown into two very different people in our adulthood, and I admire and cherish that we’ve stayed connected all the same. I’ve come to notice how you are practical, forward thinking, and grounded. You have visions for your life and you work laboriously and methodically to bring them to fruition, and for this I am incredibly proud of you. I, of course, am whimsical, impulsive, and do strange things like move across the globe to hang out in a middle school because I didn’t want to become a lawyer like my dad." It was mostly a joke, but to her it would probably read concerning so I will probably axe it in the final cut.

Tonight, my body hurts, and I am in my bed and not the bathroom floor only because I am a little too sleepy to shower tonight and I already decided to call out from work tomorrow. I am mostly not miserable, but I am also not entirely sure whether my teenage self would be adequately satisfied with the actualized memoir content I have managed to live. Then again, I did have that phase where I told everybody I wasn't even gonna go to college and was just going to work as a barista instead and I actually did go to college and still ended up working as a barista for a while anyways so maybe I did achieve everything I ever dreamed of. I guess the thing was I never really dreamed anything specific except not being miserable. My old therapist told me not being able to imagine the future was a trauma response. A different one told me it could be that and also adhd. But, none of them could tell me what having an incessant obsession with the song "Crash into Me" by the Dave Matthews Band could mean. Curious!

The thing about not being miserable that they don't tell you when they tell you it gets better was that you will still have to deal with monotony. You will still get your period, you will still have to eat dinner even when there is nobody there to make it for you, and you will still miss your boyfriend from college sometimes even though you weren't right for each other because it was so nice to always have somebody to talk to who you were allowed to bother whenever you wanted. When I was younger I thought I would never find love because I was too ugly and fat. Now I think maybe I might never find it because I have a very specific thing that I want but I don't seem to know what it is but I will keep trying at it because I don't know what else to do, really. It's like the hatch from LOST. Maybe if I type 4 8 15 16 23 42 onto someone's body enough times something will happen. There is no way to know unless I keep doing it.

#t;#writing

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stickythoughts1989 · 4 months

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Getting a diagnosis

The worry was all-encompassing. I was a not-so-secret worry wort. I ripped off my nails, I picked at my scabs till they bled. My leg always shook. I couldn’t sit still, literally and figuratively.

People must have known something was different about me but how were they supposed to know I was really, truly in pain? I didn’t even realize it was as bad as it was until it was so bad I didn’t want to live anymore.

On a regular basis, the “what if?” thoughts were constant until the doubt was pervasive, crushing me at every twist, turn, and corner. At times, I just figured I was damaged or deserving of it all. I didn’t know any other way was possible.

But now I do.

I want to pause here and say that things have gotten significantly better for me recently – to my surprise – and I’ll get into how and why eventually but I wanted you to know that things can get better once you get proper treatment and care. It’s unfortunate it can take so long to get to that point, though.

Prior to my diagnosis, uncertainty was like poison for me. It still is, but less so. My thoughts would spiral, and my brain would go into overdrive. My mind would go round and round about something! anything! I. just. couldn’t. take it. and so I did something else. I checked my phone. I avoided the trigger. I picked my skin.

I thought I was distracting myself from the pain and that was a good thing. Now I know that what I was doing was compulsive, and that I was living with obsessive compulsive disorder.

The journey to getting to that diagnosis was long and winding. I had been doing talk therapy – which I now know is bad for OCD and I’ll get into why one day soon – for nearly ten years and I had tried nearly 15 different meds for five years. I did yoga. I ate relatively well. I took my parents to therapy to talk about my trauma. I read self-help books. I did the “work” – but relief never felt quite possible in the long term. Sure there were pockets of what seemed like betterment. But it was all a facade. The things that felt good – success! buying new things! – were things that weren’t serving me.

No matter how much effort I put into my healing journey, it always felt like there was a wall blocking real, long term, lasting relief. The pain always trickled back in and there I was, a puddle on the floor. Severely anxious and severely depressed. My fatigue was chronic too. Life felt exhausting from the inside out and the outside in.

Conversations with my therapist were often cyclical. Why were we having the same convos over and over again? Why wasn’t I getting better? This was infuriating and I hit a breaking point in the fall of 2022. Something wasn’t working and I couldn’t take it anymore.

I began picking my skin obsessively, all over, all the time. I was actively hurting myself, all over my body, and everyone could finally see it.

So, I started seeing a new therapist. She suggested I get a second opinion from a psychiatrist she knew who, of course, didn’t take insurance, but had helped her more “complex” cases and used a special testing system to help people find the right medication. Desperation called and I eventually took the steps to see that doctor in the spring of 2023.

Prior to meeting him, he gave me instructions to do a genetic test called the Genomind. The Genomind is a newer genetic testing system that identifies genetic mutations that predispose you for certain mental illnesses. Doctors can use it to identify which medicines might be better suited to you.

The Friday before the fourth of July I finally met with him. And I finally, after all that suffering, got answers. A lot of answers.

He diagnosed me with OCD, ADHD, and Bipolar Disorder II, three things I didn’t know I had. In an instant, my life turned upside down. It was already hanging in the balance but now it was shattered into a million pieces.

I started to question everything I knew about myself. I was overwhelmed to an extreme. And so I crumbled.

#ocd #mental illness #obsessive compulsive disorder #bipolar disorder #depression #anxiety #adhd

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milknhonies · 5 months

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I know lots of people had a bad 2023 and there's really traumatising things happening in the world.

But I will be selfish and share the good things that happened in my year that drowned the bad:

1. Friendships have been made. I have been incredibly lonely since 2020 due to a plethora of reasons. I met my online bestfriend in person this year. I have made friends here on Tumblr over fandoms I didn't originally know about.

2. I learnt how to date and what men really mean when they're actually using an innuendo. This has led me to unashamedly put my standards high and my boundaries strongly walked.

3. I got diagnosed with ADHD, which has given me the opportunity and privilege to access medication that has significantly improved my mental health.

4. I got a new job that I actually love with a respectful boss! No more living paycheck to paycheck on government supports.

5. I get to live in a affordable flat with a roof over my head in a safe neighbourhood. No fearing for break ins and no worrying about making rent in on time.

6. I learnt how to balance giving myself a break and motivating myself. How to give myself real self-care.

7. I managed to get help, therapy that helped me find outlets and strategies to express my anger, anxiety, depression, rage and controversial thoughts without everlasting abundance of shame.

10. I survived my own mind long enough to turn 22 years old. Kinda a big flex 💪 telling my intrusive thoughts to fuck off.

11. I have reconnected to the happier version of me. I have embraced the joy I had when I was 13. When I got butterflies over actors and characters and the thrill of reading new fanfics.

12. Despite being shadow banned, I was able to create a new account and start fresh and happy. Tagging and organising posts.

13. My Abuser is still alive and well. She remarried and had a baby. But she finally changed her lastname from my fathers to her new husbands, cutting the important tie we shared. I want to say that I hope her daughter grows up and grows to hate, despise, and abandon her, even murder her...but I also don't care anymore. I think I'm healing. I'll never forget those horrors, but after over 11 years I think I'm accepting there's nothing I can do to get the justice back and even if I got my revenge entirely...it wouldn't have changed what happened. Those are words for the universe.

In a year I am sure there will be lots of things that might change my life again. But after so many years...I'm getting used to it. This year has been relatively peaceful. I pray we all have a peaceful and accepting 2024.

I'm going to reblog this and see if in a year how much life as changed. ❤️ A message to future me... You might be scared, you might be sad, but you are alive and loved and your creativity brings joy. You have survived before, you will survive again. There's always a way out of trouble with the right support and resources. Don't give up. Stay proactive. You can do it because you've done it before.

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iamasimplesimp · 1 year

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i think i've finally realized that my life has spun out of my control and I don't know what to do about it.

so much has happened over the past 3 weeks and all of it is stressing me out. there's the usual stressful things; constant exhaustion, several different mental illnesses as well as chronic physical illnesses that have no known cause and the 'cure' is temporary and messes with my pills if I don't schedule everything correctly, so I just deal with the physical pain. my parents won't let me have control over my money or medical

but the new shit over the past 3 weeks has been... bad.

No adderall, i'll be moving out of state to California soon, one of my ex-partners broke up with me and, even though I know it'll only be temporary until I move back here, it still hurts. My other partner is dealing with homelessness. And though I've helped, I still feel like I've not done enough, that I'm not enough at all. my plan to go to family in Indiana rather than California where my current family is moving to fell through, and all my expectations of living on my own have come to a crashing halt.

i need my family for things like shelter, food, etc. i can't stay or go anywhere else. I'm turning 27 on the third, and my dad tells me that I'm the problem. That I need a job, to move forward in life despite him knowing that I'm mentally disabled. I'm on SSI, but I'm called a lazy asshole by my stepmother cause I don't do the dishes the way she wants me to do them. Though she moved to California already, I'm not looking forward to seeing her again. She's rude and doesn't like me because I dropped out of college and cant' recall to do my chores all the time because I have ADHD and severe depression that the pills aren't helping with as much as they should. I'm gonna have to get a part-time job just to pay for the antidepressant treatment I need. Dad says that it's my fault I dropped out of college. That if I just stuck through it, despite me telling him I was dealing with suicidal thoughts because of college and panicked cause I didn't want to die. He doesn't understand that just cause I don't want to die doesn't mean that magically I won't kill myself after long enough of dealing with the stress.

I had my last therapy appointment with my therapist today and won't be getting another one for a while. I only realized the size of my stress just now after thinking about how I've been wanting to destroy my stuff lately.

I want out

i want out so badly

haha, i tie my art with my self-worth, and isn't that dumb?

#vent #i am talking

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itsbansheebitch · 7 months

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Self Diagnosis

Self Diagnosis is so weird because most of the time it's used it's just people trying to label their experiences and finding people who share similar traits. I Self Diagnosed a few years ago and a few months later, I was diagnosed.

Not everyone can afford medical care. Neurodivergence and mental illness are VERY common. Some people probably are using the labels frivolously, but they aren't hurting anyone. It's a couple letters in a bio, not a god damn war crime.

I guess all I'm saying is CHILL the FUCK out. Not everyone can afford a diagnosis, not everyone can afford medication. Not everyone can afford therapy. Not everyone has the TIME.

Please for the love of god don't treat a kid like shit because they think they're mentally ill or neurodivergent or what ever. First ask yourself: What effect will my words have if I'm wrong? How long are they going to remember what I said if later they get a diagnosis? Will they remember me putting them down for trying to understand their own brain? Am I REALLY helping?

I found out that I had ADHD symptoms from tiktoks, but a DOCTOR diagnosed me. I thought I was depressed when I was younger, but a YouTuber introduced me to the joy of therapy. I turned out to not be depressed (at the time) but was SEVERELY anxious. I found out it's not normal to have back pain for over a decade and when I went to the doctor, it turned out a large muscle in my back was severely underdeveloped. I was diagnosed with asthma (a chronic illness) at 18 fucking years old.

Self Diagnosis is often a kid's first step to getting help. Before you ask if someone is REALLY SURE they have xyz, ask yourself if you're sure they DON'T. Are you a medical professional or are you just judgemental?

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myconetted · 1 year

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mad about the adderall shortage again. i mean it's hard not to be, considering adderall is part of my daily fucking life.

i'm honestly curious if there's a case to be made that the DEA's decision to keep the supply below demand is a violation of the ADA. it's infuriating that they can make this decision on grounds that ADHD diagnoses have increased when the decision affects people who have been managing a disability with this medication for years. to say nothing of whether newly diagnosed people are somehow less deserving of treatment. but it feels like a profound "fuck you" to me, a person who has been doing medication management for almost ten years, getting meds through a system that already makes it far from easy (especially considering the nature of the disability), and staying on the same dosage for over five years, to suddenly have (more) trouble getting access to something that makes it possible for me to be a functioning member of society.

hitting a wall in high school due to undiagnosed, untreated adhd was one of the worst parts of my life. i thought i was stupid and lazy and that i would be like that forever because i had already tried so hard to modify my habits after reading tons of self help about how to make myself do things. it was agonizing to know i had both the desire and aptitude to do cool stuff but i had little control over steering myself to actually do it. nowadays, thinking about spending any extended period of time without adhd meds, even if i was on vacation or something, makes me want to die. getting treated for adhd has been a long road and i've come so far, but it's still easy for all that work to vanish if i lose access to the drugs that help my brain do something that everyone else's already does.

i know i don't even have it that bad. in fact, i'm extremely privileged to have had the support to get diagnosed, medicated, and to have gone through talk therapy for the six or so years it took for me to untangle all the damage i had done to myself by using harmful coping mechanisms—which essentially involved giving myself severe anxiety—to "motivate" myself to do things without meds. i had the privilege to get the psych eval required by my university to get any disability accommodations, and the privilege to see a therapist who actually gave a shit about me but who wasn't covered by my insurance. being disabled is fucking expensive, and this isn't even close to some of the more expensive disabilities.

which is why it makes me all the more furious to think of those who don't have the insane luck i do who can't get access to the things that helped turn my life into one worth living. and then to think that for those with luck like mine, after all the time, money, and despair, some people are getting diagnoses that finally explain why something as simple as getting out of bed every day can feel like a herculean task... and some faceless government agency has decided there are too many of us and it would be better if we didn't get the most effective treatment available for a condition with no cure.

fuck you DEA one million years. thanks for nothing.

#my:poast #adhd

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vero-niche · 7 months

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UNSURPRISING AND BORING??? HAZUGSÁG! TELL ME ABOUT IT ACTUALLY!!!

(context: this ask was sent by my dear mutual after i reblogged a post about what my special interest is, which is films and filmmaking that i called those things)

fjhfjvhnfkc im so sorry for not replying to this sooner, it's been haunting me since that day bc first i was like "i will answer from desktop bc this is gonna be a long one" and then... i didnt. anyway, im just gonna start rambling and hit post at some point when i run out of steam, enjoy 💞

edit: whoops better put All That under a read more lmao

note: by movie/film i also mean animation, tv shows, anime, etc

so, it all started when i was little.... we were living mostly in a small village in northern hungary, no access to cinemas or such but my dad started working at a tv station in the capital when i was like... idk. small

anyway, he had access to The Internet and pirated movies and brough home burned VHS tapes.... i loved fiction ever since i remember and movies were no different. saw a lot of disney and other stuff, mum says i rewatched a lot of them a lot of times.... as an undiagnosed adhd+autism kid these movies were my main source of obsession.

as many in my generation, i grew to love reading a bit later after i saw the first h*rry p*tter movie and read the book but even then and ever since as well my imagination works kinda like a movie. i imagine certain shots and angles, even tho for the most part my imagination is as fuzzy as my thoughts.

also on the part of the audhd, i was basically self medicating with movies. stressed? watch a movie. sensory overload? movie (or later on, music). feeling shit? movie. it kind of works like a factory reset of my brain if the film is good. i guess because for 1,5-2,5 hours i am completely focused on one thing in a way thats not exhausting to me.

during elementary, i was in a friend group that i got in because we were in the same not school related drawing group (rajzszakkör yknow) and basically all 4 of us were a bit too neurodivergent there i think 😄 anyway, somehow when i first got a phone with camera, we started doing little "sketches" (and me with my then best friend separately too). then two of those friends came up with a short movie idea, a mockumentary about the iconic "twin towers" of the town we lived in (and hated). the 4 of us filmed and played all parts, right there in the city, and one of us edited it. it turned out quite.... well, like a shitpost lmao. so, naturally, we got quite hooked but esp me and one other friend (who is now an acclaimed theatre director btw. lol)

anyway, so we did several of these short movies + i did several sketches and other stuff with all kinds of friends in the coming years, all through about mid-high school years...

for several reasons, despite it being the obvious choice, i didnt end up going to film major at uni but chose english studies. i don't regret it, but my place wouldve been at the film major tbh....

anyway, i decided to give up my filmmaking dreams... but yknow, special interests dont wotk that way lmao.

i kept watching movies with a critical mind, such as "oh this shot is good" or "this shot is too long, they should've cut it a few seconds earlier" or "oh, they are using xy technique here" and once you start looking at movies from a filmmaker point of view, theres just no turning back (or off). i think i majorly watch anime in my spare time now bc i analyze what i see less than with live action stuff.

so like. idk what my point here is. i listen to soundtracks of movies i loved, not just the ones with lyrics but the background music too. i love rewatching and dissecting parts. after seeing a new one that i loved i headstraight to imdb to the crew and trivia section, i watch/read interviews, check box office numbers even and stare in awe when they show a special technique or smg they used.

and i mainly always thought "well i just have a passion for it but its nothing that outstanding, right? people look these stuff up when then love smg, right?" well. 😶

then not too long ago i realized im not only adhd but autistic as well. and that the reason why this passion (and need to be involved in the making) never really left, even when i myself gave up on it, is bc its my special interest.

so now im slowly approaching crossroads bc on the one hand i have a stable corporate job with good routines at home. but on the other if i dont "give in" to my special interest i feel my soul will wither. but also im sososcared 👍

in summary:

#ask #mutuals #if you got this far in reading... ily + im sorry + i am bonking you on the shoulder lovingly #and this is only a mere fraction of what goes on inside my g #*head #but my thumb is sore and i keep tapping the wrong keys so. imma stop

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companionwolf · 8 months

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So. Central.

[inhales]

I'll start off with a few answers to questions a pal in a server asked when I went PLEASE PLEASE ASK ME lol.

Fave color-- green.

Fave childhood item-- action figures; he also likes retro (80s) game consoles.

Fave food-- very classic Americana, so pizza, subs, steak, etc. Homemade is better.

Dogs or cats?- I associate him both with cats (namely black cats) and huskies, but I think he would be a dog person.

Okay, now here's the contents of my 'things I know about F/O!Central' doc. You should feel special; no one's seen this except maybe you (I don't remember) and one another friend. Used a OC emoji ask games questions for these.

Under the cut because wow long!

things I associate with my selfship: the colors dark green, XCOM blue and black, stars, cats, mallard ducks, otters, swords, oranges, acoustic guitar, the concepts of Halloween, camping, cooking, and crochet, the ocean, foxes, flannels, sweaters, map-making, weapons, coffee, action figures, 80s/90s/early 2000s stuff

- does crochet; he's actually better at it than I am

- very loyal; sarcastic and stoic; secretly enjoys soft comfy things (feels like he has to hide it + his more vulnerable side because of being a guy?)

- he swears but not super often and I don't think he says fuck unless it's like REALLY bad (or uh. Really Good. 😏)

- not superstitious (canon?)

- 'ghosts aren't real Commander'

- doesn't like gambling

- uses fidget stuff for more like. PTSD and dissociative stuff than ADHD/autism but the point is he uses them

-- likes retro (80s, 90s) stuff; as a kid enjoyed early Nintendo titles

-- leery of furbies (sorry furbies this mental image is too funny)

-- pokemon team (chosen from mons he'd know about) Riolu (Lucario), Turtwig (Torterra), Cubone (Marowak), Absol, Axew (Haxorus), and Eevee (Sylveon); sylveon is shiny

⏳ HOURGLASS - are they usually late or on-time?

Punctual if he can help it.

🔫 PISTOL - do they trust people easily? how easily will they turn their back to someone? have they been backstabbed before? will they betray someone if given an ultimatum?

He doesn't trust that easily, but once he does, he'd rather die than turn his back on them. He's been backstabbed before, in the days after base fall. If given a ultimatum, say death or betrayal, he'd die.

📎 PAPERCLIP - a random fact.

He likes interior design and building things.

📦 PACKAGE - what are some “most likely to…” that can apply to them?

'Mostly likely to forgo medical attention.'

'Mostly likely to shield someone else with his body.'

🖍️ CRAYON - what advice would you give to them?

Please see a therapist. Also love me but that's a request not advice.

⚙️ GEAR - what are your ocs thoughts on science & art? which do they give more importance to? how much value do they place on each?

Central doesn't really get science - he's more of a brawny type, but he respects it. He doesn't get art that much either, but he likes to see what others make.

🔧 WRENCH - are they good at fixing relationships? or do they tend to avoid doing so?

He's fairly good at repairing relationships that are non-personal. With personal relationships, he flounders a bit but tries his best.

❇️ SPARKLE - what is their most prized possession? what do they value?

Values practical things the most, like supplies, weapons, clothes, medical stuff, food, but is also pretty soft when it comes to personalized gifts. As for prized possession, it's the kandi bracelet the Commander gave him.

📏 RULER - is your oc well educated? where did they get their learning from?

Fairly well educated. I don't know yet because it hasn't been revealed to me (ie I haven't picked something that Feels correct).

🚲 BICYCLE - can they ride a bike? what do they remember from learning to ride a bicycle?

He can ride a bike.

🌩️ LIGHTNING - are they scared of lightning?

No.

💧 DROPLET - random angst headcanon?

He wears long sleeves to cover self harm scars. It's one other reason he misses the sweater.

❄️ SNOWFLAKE - do people consider them cold? if so, what made them this way?

Yes; trauma based.

🔥 FIRE - do they have any self destructive tendencies? what habits do they have that hinder them from becoming their best self?

The alcohol addiction is self destructive; he also self isolates. He also can be just kinda irritable and a bit a of a dick to others. He's working on it.

☁️ CLOUD - a soft headcanon

He crochets and buys plushies for the Commander.

🌟 GLOWING STAR - what do they think about when they look at the night sky? is there someone they want to star gaze with?

It used to excite him, but now he looks at the stars with disdain. He thinks about what ifs. Stargazing seems romantic, though-- he'd do that, if his partner wanted. He'd even enjoy it.

🌠 SHOOTING STAR - if they could make any wish with no repercussions, what wish would they make?

That XCOM had won the initial war.

☄️ COMET - what do people assume about them? are they right?

That he's cold, unfeeling, mean. He IS cold, but it's an outside persona. He feels, he just doesn't express it much.

💓 BEATING HEART - what gets their heart racing?

Physical touch (man's touch starved).

💘 HEART W/ ARROW - what traits do they look for in a relationship? do they believe in love at first sight?

Loyalty, mostly. And no.

💗 GROWING HEART - if they have a crush, is it noticable? what changes when they’re in love?

...Honestly? Yeah it kinda is * stares at canon with my ship goggles on *; he gets softer for them, wayyyy devoted.

❤️ RED HEART - their love language(s)?

To others: Affirmation and gift giving.

For himself (receiving): Acts of service and physical touch.

💙 BLUE HEART - do they miss their s/o easily? how do they act when their s/o isn’t around?

Because it's the Commander, he gets a little weird if they're apart for too long. He doesn't want to lose them again. He's often colder and standoff-ish even more when he doesn't know his partner is around. This slowly improves though.

💚 GREEN HEART - what things make your oc feel comforted? hugs, kisses, food?

Food; he likes cooking, especially homemade. Gifts, especially handmade. Parallel play.

💖 SPARKLING HEART - are they a subtle or a showy lover?

Subtle.

💌 LOVE LETTER - do they like love letters? what kind of messages do they leave for their partner?

He thinks love letters are way too vulnerable and mushy but at the Commander's request leaves little sticky notes around with encouragement.

#wolf barking #barking asks #f/o tag #me everytime.i give f/o a new little detail; i took the liberty of spicing up ur boy firaxis #hes my boy now

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