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ashintheairlikesnow · 3 months

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hey hey hey I have had a hell of a day (Actually Hell) because I did too many fun things (a problem apparently) and then also we put up the christmas tree leading to the inevitable christmas tree installation arguments (they pop up every year like clockwork!)

anyway i have been overstimulated and stressed (just want to emphasize that there is NO pressure here whatsoever! id like to avoid any semblance of that actually and I know you're already working on 12 days so take your time) and it would be very cathartic to see chris dealing with similar issues (the Wonderful guy. we are pretty similar.) thanks a lot for reading this, even if you don't write anything !

Sorry this took so long, Anon! I swear I've been trying to get this written for literally almost two months now

CW: Some references to Chris's past, overstimulation, anxiety

"Hey, where did Chris go?" Laken blinks and looks around, but the living room of the house they rent - filled with laughing, happy people - shows no sign of Chris's telltale lavender hair with its new-penny copper roots.

One of Brit's friends just shrugs at them and gestures, vaguely, in the direction of the kitchen. "Dunno. He wandered off a while ago, maybe that way?"

"Oh, okay. Huh." Laken steps back, the circle of laughing people closing up tight as soon as they do. Their dark eyes scan the room, but there's no sign of him.

He'd been doing great - all but holding court, one of the most popular people at the party. He's sort of famous, since the Olympics, and people had been peppering him with questions and compliments, crowding around wanting nothing more than to be friends with the ex-pet who stood up to the bad guys on live TV. They'd seen him dancing, too, the music loud enough to nearly make the walls shake. The easy, unselfconscious dancing they loved in him the most.

He'd seemed to be enjoying himself, at the time, but...

Where has he gone?

They weave around people, stopping to pick up an ornament that has fallen off the tree. The scent of pine is subtle and ever-present, and they carefully work the ornament's little loop back over a branch, ruefully watching a couple of pine needles come loose and drift down. The damn thing is already starting to turn a little brown around its edges, thanks to Laken's roommate having insisted on buying it literally the day before Thanksgiving.

Laken doesn't even celebrate Christmas, not since they stopped going to Mass on Christmas Eve years and years ago. Still, in a house they rent with three others, they're the only one who doesn't at least pay lip service to the holiday.

And even if they don't give a fuck about Christmas, they do like having an excuse to throw a party.

The tinsel wrapped in spirals around, over, and below the ornaments glitters in the light, and the look makes them think of Chris, and how his eyes have always looked just the same, to them, when they're out at night and the moon hits the green of his irises just right.

Their search leads them to Ben, contentedly sitting on the couch, a drink in one hand and his phone in the other, quietly reading something there while the party is in full swing around him. He glances up and then instinctively, immediately, uses a finger to push his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. "Hey, Laken. What's up?"

"Is Akio not coming tonight?"

"Oh... no." Ben blushes - it's adorable, and Laken can't help the smile playing around their lips. "He's got some kind of meeting with the gymnastics team, or his coaches? Or... something like that. He said sorry, though."

"Nah, no problem. But, hey, so. Uh, have you seen Chris, like within the last ten minutes or so??"

Someone puts Christmas music on and Laken shudders as they hear that damn 80s pop song start up again. If they have to hear that fucking song one more time...

"Nope. Not in a while." Ben shrugs, taking a drink. Whatever he has in that cup is pinkish-red and probably far more alcoholic than it tastes. Laken's roommate had insisted on a signature cocktail. "You could check outside? Sometimes when there's a lot of people, to Chris it's... too much."

Laken nods, still scanning the crowd, but their stomach knots a little with the first hit of real anxiety. Ben is right, Chris can get overwhelmed by too much noise and movement, but also he's been drinking tonight - they saw the same red punch in a cup in his hands earlier - and he has a tendency to get... hazy, when he drinks. Flirty in ways that aren't natural to him. Willing to let people hug him that he doesn't like, unable to bring himself to stop them. Sometimes his stammer smooths out, which makes people who don't know him feel more comfortable and people who do know him nervous. He starts tipping his head to the side in a way that makes the sweep of his growing-out hair hide the scar on his forehead, biting his lower lip when he smiles. It makes Laken feel a little sick to see it happen and realize Chris doesn't even notice when he's doing it.

The last thing they need is to have to come up with an explanation for Chris losing track of himself again, or why he's eating olives off the charcuterie board Brit brought knowing damn well he'll just go to the bathroom and get sick all over the place again, or... fuck, what if somebody hits on him and he's too drunk to stop it?

That hasn't happened since college, but...

They pull their phone out, uneasily checking for a text, but there's nothing. If he went outside, he'd text, right? He does, he always does. Texts can be easier and Chris is always a little nervous about being outside alone.

He insisted on coming tonight, said he was feeling good lately, but-... what if-...

They flinch when fingers touch their arm, only to see Ben must have stood up when they weren't looking. He slips his own phone into his jacket pocket and looks Laken over more closely. "Hey. It's okay, he's probably fine. You know he gets weird when parties are really going. It's like a light switch, enough to too much, I totally get it. It's why I'm on the couch fucking around on Kindle instead of, you know... talking to people." Ben says it like talking to people is literal hell, and... okay, Laken can see how that might be the case. "He probably just needed to get away from it and wandered off."

"Uh, yeah. I know." Laken rubs at the back of their neck, fingers moving through the soft, shorn undercut beneath their longer black waves. "I'm sure that's it. Just... you know, sometimes he... when he gets nervous..."

"I got you." They adore Ben, sometimes, for how often they don't have to finish the sentences they don't want to say. He knows what words haven't yet spilled, unwilling. Sometimes he acts like he belongs to us, not like he loves us. Sometimes I can't trust him to find his way back on his own. Sometimes I feel like Jake, and I hate feeling like Jake.

Words die in their throat.

Ben squeezes their arm, gently. "Let's split up and search around. I'll go outside, you go around the house, okay? We verify how he is, then whichever one finds him tells the other. Sound good?" Ben smiles, and Laken relaxes a little, finding a smile for him in return.

"Yeah, sounds good. Thanks, Ben."

"No problem." Ben has always understood Chris, thanks to his little brother being similar in some ways. He understands Laken's worry, too, because better than anyone else here - he knows how Chris sometimes gets lost in his past, especially if he's drinking, worse the maybe twice Laken's ever seen him try an edible or a pill.

What if he got drunk and someone offered him something and he took it? Drunk Chris sometimes isn't a Chris who can easily turn down anything he's offered.

This party was a stupid idea.

Laken takes a deep breath and squares their shoulders.

Chris is not a child.

He is a goddamn grown man and Laken is not his keeper. They're not his parent and they're not a babysitter. They're definitely not his fucking... owner or whatever the bastards that hurt him would have called it. They're his partner. He can handle himself, better than they could if they'd lived his life, and they need to trust him to either know his limits and to get away if he can't say no, or to come to them if he wants to ask for help. Otherwise, they're not any better than the bullshit he's been buried in for longer than he's known them.

Ben goes to check outside, slipping silently out the sliding door onto the back porch where a small crowd has congregated in a cloud of skunky smoke, while Laken heads upstairs, peeking their head in to room after room with no sign of him anywhere. They see some movement under a pile of coats, but that's... definitely not Chris, based on the very female voices who yell at them to give them some fucking privacy, please.

"Sorry, Brit," Laken calls, closing the door tightly. "And, um, Leigh. Just looking for Chris-"

"Well, he isn't in here or we'd have kicked him out already," Brit says, cranky but without any real anger in her voice. Laken doesn't recognize the redhead whose eyes pop up from beneath the pile of coats next to her. "Check a different room."

"Yeah, I will. Uh... keep having fun, I guess-"

"That's the plan! Now leave, please!"

The door latches as they close it, and they exhale. There's one room left, at the end of the hall, and they can hear a familiar murmuring from behind the door when they press their ear up against it.

Laken knocks, rapping gently with their knuckles, and turns the knob when they hear no answer - but no demand to stay out either. The murmuring goes silent. They sigh, and the door swings open, light cutting across the carpet until it reveals their wayward boyfriend.

No one has claimed this bedroom yet, so it's bare and empty except for a couple unpacked cardboard boxes, Brit's exercise bike by the window, a couple of her yoga mats, a laundry basket with a few folded towels, and a bare mattress the last housemate had left behind on the floor when they moved out.

Laken's lips press together, eyes scanning the room. Chris's phone is on the mattress, along with an empty beer bottle, but Chris isn't. "Chris? Cariño?"

A muffled rustling makes them jump, heart in their throat, and then they realize the sound came from the closet, where the folding doors are closed. Laken pulls them open to reveal Chris curled up, knees nearly to his chin, an open bottle clutched in one hand, his chewy necklace in the other. He'd chosen the bat one tonight, and his hand is closed around it in such a tight fist Laken can tell his knuckles are white even in the dark.

Chris doesn't look at them. He's swaying, rocking forward and back, his eyes focused on something far, far away from them. There's red lines on his left wrist, where he's dug his nails in, scratching not quite deep enough to draw blood, but close. Laken takes a deep breath, shifting into a crouch.

"Talk to me, Chris."

"No." The answer is flat, and they watch his thumb rub over the little nub of the silicone bat's nose, the points of its tiny ears. "No, no, no. No."

At least he's saying it out loud.

That alone makes the knot of anxiety in their chest start to loosen. If he can say no, he isn't gone, maybe just... standing a little farther back, inside his own head, than the surface.

"Okay. Okay, that's fine. No talking, that's fine. Are you okay, baby?" Laken keeps their voice just above a whisper and lays their hand on the wood trim that frames this shitty excuse for a closet, the floor creaking under them. "You... kind of vanished on me, there."

Chris's eyes flick to them and then away again. "Loud," He manages, and he sounds like he's forcing the word out between gritted teeth. Maybe he is. "Too, too, too... too loud. Too much, too... many."

"I guess Ben called it." Laken sighs, pulling out their phone and sending Ben a quick text that they found Chris and everything's fine. they get a thumbs-up in reply almost immediately. Ben must have been as anxious as they are, if he was just watching for their text to come in. "Do you want me to call Jake to come get you, or..."

"No!" He snaps it, and Laken tries not to wince. He's just struggling with the noise of the party, they tell themself, he's not actually angry. Chris almost never gets angry, and even then it's only at himself. Which... is worse, somehow. "No. Just... Quiet, it's... it's it's quiet."

"Right. Do you want me to stay with you? Be quiet with you?"

He shakes his head, but he doesn't say anything else. His mouth moves, but no further sounds come out.

"Chris, did..." They want to ask, did someone say something to you? Sometimes people said things, referenced pets or something in a way that set him off. But even if someone had... he probably wouldn't tell them, at least not now, not when every word seemed to have to filter through layer after layer of self-protection in his mind. "Never mind. Is there anything I can do for you? Water, or..."

He shakes his head. "No. Just. Um. Quiet... quiet, now. Please?"

"Yeah." Laken leans over and presses a kiss to his hair. He tips his head against their lips and they exhale in relief. "I love you, Chris. Come back if you can, but if you can't, that's okay, too. Just don't hurt yourself, okay? Things should start winding down in a couple hours." They take the little plastic bat and push it against the hand that's still scratching at his shoulder, until he takes hold of it again, pressing it against his mouth and running it back and forth, back and forth.

Chris is quiet, but as they open the door to head back into the hallway, they hear a quiet, "Love, love you," from Chris, barely audible.

They smile as they close the door. Down the hall, the sounds of the party hit them like a brick, beckoning them back to the noise and the cheer and the awful fucking Christmas music still blaring at top volume. Someone yells something out and the whole damn crowd cheers, making Laken wince at it feels nearly deafening.

Maybe Chris has the right idea.

@finder-of-rings @endless-whump @arlin-always-writing @newandfiguringitout @doveotions @pretty-face-breaker @gonna-feel-that-tomorrow @boxboysandotherwhump @oops-its-whump @whumpyourdamnpears @cubeswhump @burtlederp @whump-tr0pes @whumptywhumpdump @whumpiary @orchidscript @outofangband @hackles-up @grizzlie70 @mylifeisonthebookshelf @keeper-of-all-the-random-things

#whump #chris the strawberry blond romantic #recovery whump #recovering whumpee #overstimulation tw #autistic whumpee #referenced alcohol use #laken mamani #referenced dubcon #angst #fluff #comf #I guess this is the one that wins out first of the drafts?#we'll see if kauri or vince wins out next

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adaesc · 6 months

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Dick Grayson helps you through a breakdown and I think it would be cute if reader and dick danced together after

ty for request anon! <3 I'll try my best!

warnings/content: tooth rotting fluff, anxiety, panic attacks, nightmare, hella angsty

pairing: Dick Grayson x civilian!gf!reader

word count: 1.6k!

He's never went radio silent like this. Dick had his fair share of missions and adventures where he wouldn't be able to speak, this time he didn't even warn you before he left. This time was different.

You knew sometimes he would go on missions, the vigilante life wasn't for the faint of heart. Being his civilian girlfriend added an unneeded blanket of worry onto the mix. This time was different.

You hadn't had the best day, it was full of stressors. People from work, work itself, and a plethora of other issues had been piling up for a while and it was overwhelming. Looming over you drearily. Not only had life been incredibly difficult as-of-late, but also Dick hadn't been answering his phone. You thought he might have just been busy, trying your hardest not to make assumptions out of nothing.

"This mailbox is full and cannot accept any messages at this time. Goodbye."

It was the 39th missed call. It had been 4 days. You started thinking irrationally, blowing up his phone with texts, calls, facetimes, anything you could do to notify his phone you would do. He never replied to anything.

You were overflowing with stress, anxiety, and worry. You couldn't get yourself to go into work, eat anything, you weren't answering anyone's calls. You mirrored the same thing Dick had been doing for so long. It felt like an eternity waiting for him to say something, for anyone to tell you Dick was okay. Daydreaming of the moment he would come home and you could run into his arms, holding onto him so, so tight. Daydreaming of the moment where he would explain where he had been.

What if he had found someone better? What if he had found the girl of his dreams? Maybe he went back to Babs or Kory?

You knew he wouldn't but what if he did?

You were wallowing in self pity and wailing in anguish. It was so tiring wondering where Dick had gone, wondering about

Having enough of waiting hopelessly to come back, you called his father, Bruce Wayne. Bruce, unsurprisingly, picked up the phone immediately. You had always been the favorite of his sons partners.

"Hello. You've reached Bruce Wayne."

"Hi, Bruce. Excuse me when I ask this, I don't mean to rear my head in where it's not needed but, where the fuck is your son."

"I have multiple, which son are you looking for?" He questioned, puzzled.

"Dick. Where is Dick. He's been radio silent for about a week and I'm worried. He didn't tell me where he would be, and all of a sudden he's just gone."

"I can't confirm his location as of now. I'm sorry, Y/N."

"Fuck.." You could feel the tears threatening to pour out of your eyes. Your face was hot, you felt like you were going to melt. Eyes on fire, you let the tears fall for the faintest hope of soothing the pain.

"What do you mean you don't know where he is..? You have all of that fancy tech shit in your cave but can't track your fucking son? This is such bullshit.." You brimmed with despair and anguish, wanting to get off the phone as soon as possible. You didn't think you could handle another word from Bruce. Pulling the phone away from your ear, you went to hang up, before hanging up you heard,

"I'm sorry Y/N."

Lies. There was no way Bruce didn't know where Dick was. He was hiding something from you and you knew it.

All of the stress had towered over you. It was not the second week of Dick's disappearance, every night you would stay up late and hope he would swing through the window. He never did.

You came home and Dick wasn't there. Again. It was now the fourteenth day of Dick being gone. You were so exhausted of staying up late, you walked through the door after getting off work and didn't see him. Immediately you started crying hot tears, it felt like hot lava streamed down your face. You didn't bother doing anything but slamming the door shut and walking to your room. Dropping face down on the pillow, sleep immediately took you. Coddling you in it's arms, you embraced it.

You woke up, stale-faced from tears, immediately rubbing your face to get rid of the evidence of your sorrow. Checking the alarm clock you saw the time. 3:37 A.M. The spot next to you on the bed empty. You couldn't help but weep. You balled up, knees to your chest in fetal position, you took a tight clutch onto your arms, digging your nails into the warm flesh. You bawled for what felt like forever.

Your mind was running faster then a freight train, all of your thoughts and doubts and overthinking ran by in a whirlwind. You didn't know what to make of yourself. You knew you were a mess, you knew your hair wasn't brushed and shaggy, you knew your eyes had bags under them and your makeup was ruined, you knew you had let this mess swallow you whole, transforming you. You knew all of this yet, what could you do? Dick had left you. No doubts about it, you knew he went back to Babs, Kory, maybe someone even better. The doubts you had since you and Dick got together were rearing their ugly heads.

You let go of your arms and went to tug on your hair, balling your fists up into the strands. Nothing felt real. Dick leaving didn't feel real. Bruce not knowing where he was, didn't feel real. You didn't feel real. You needed some confirmation that you were there and you were real, so you grabbed your hair and pulled it, bawling, crying, screaming. You didn't think Dick would come back. He was gone, and you wouldn't lay your eyes upon him unless it was with another.

*Creaaaaak*

"....Y/N?"

Your head slowly turned to your bedroom window.

"....Dick?"

You stared blankly at him, you didn't have the energy to hug him, how could you after what happened?

You didn't need to say anything for him to know what you wanted. He walked over to you, sitting on the bed, and pulled you into his chest. He laid your head onto his chest and put his head on top of yours, petting your back with one of his hands and playing with your hair in the other.

You said nothing. Dick knew you were mad, but that was for you and him to talk about later. He just kept on petting your back and playing with your hair. He whispered sweet nothings and "I'm sorry" over and over to you.

"Y/N, baby, I'm so fuckin' sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am." He pulled your head out of his chest and made eye contact with you, "Please, I know I fucked up, I'm so, so, so sorry. Please say something, I'll explain just please talk to me"

You spoke up.

"...I was worried sick for you Dick. I called you so many times and I didn't get a voicemail or anything, Bruce didn't even know where you were. You just went ghost. Gone. Completely silent." You knew you were crying and sniffling, but it didn't matter.

"I know, trust me I feel like shit." He sighed, he knew how disappointed you were in him, "Cobblepot has been sneaking gun shipments in from Blüdhaven. I had to do a mission completely radio silent so we could pinpoint the origin of the guns and take down the manufacturer or whoever was selling them to Cobblepot under the table. I would never have left you like that on purpose, I promise. Bruce knew where I was going but couldn't tell you. I wanted to keep you safe, Y/N. I wouldn't have just left you like that, I love you. Please forgive me, I know I worried you and I can't apologize enough, if you want to leave or need a few days I won't blame you. Just please know I would never do anything on purpose to hurt you." He was starting to cry, you could see the tears in his glassy, blue eyes.

You let out a slight, awkward-yet-approving laugh. You forgave him but couldn't find the words to say. So you grabbed him cheek with your hand and pulled his face close, angling it to kiss him. Kissing him lovingly, the worry still prevalent yet faded, he kissed back. He knew this was a sign you forgave him and went along with it. It was caring and loving, a way of showing you accepted his apology.

"Yeah, I forgive you. You're still a dick, Dick. But I forgive you." Both of you giggled.

He stood up and grabbed your hands, bringing you to your feet. Pulling you into a short hug, you were shocked when he put one hand on your waist and put yours on his shoulder, connecting your shared remaining hands in a tight hold. Securing Waltz formation.

"Dick you can't be serious." The tears in both of your eyes still drying, you both let out a stifled laugh

"As serious as ever." He started to sway both of your bodies and dragging his feet on the floor, copying the footwork you two knew oh so well from the annual Wayne gala's or charity events.

You both danced to no music, the only sound filling the room was the shared laughter you both exclaimed brightly. You kept on dancing in Waltz formation for what felt like forever. There was no music to ensure you're rhythm, but you didn't need any. With Dick, you two could just connect to the music, it was a way to spice up the Gala's that you both shared. It was a burst of sunshine, a glimmer of hope in the abyss you had been in recently.

Dick was home.

#dick grayson x reader #dick grayson #dc #nightwing #batman #bruce wayne #batfamily #angst with a happy ending #angst #fluff #dancing #my fic

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respectthepetty · 3 months

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Hello hello! I finally caught up on DFF a few days ago and have been reading a bunch of meta ever since, but there are some things I can’t follow. Maybe you can help me?

First off, we keep talking about there being a Final Girl, but why is everyone so sure that there will be one? I could see more people surviving or the story going in a different direction entirely. Where does this conviction come from?

Then, I’m on board with the idea of hallucinations, but one thing that always bothers me is the question of how you could make sure that they all hallucinate the very same thing? I don’t know how hallucination-inducing drugs work, but that seems kind of weird to me.

Also, who is Tan and who is Perth again? This is such a dumb question, but I’m terrible with names and faces, and I know most of the characters now, but I keep mixing up these two.

Thank you so much for your time!

Anon, let me answer your last question first:

This is Mio who plays Tan in the series. Tan is part of the friend group but came along after Non disappeared.

This is Perth but it is unknown who he is playing in the series. He was only in the background of this scene in the dark jacket with the grey shirt.

As for the other questions, unfortunately, I cannot help you because unlike the rest of these perfectly normal people watching Dead Friend Forever, I'm crazy.

And because I'm crazy, I do NOT care about "reasoning" when it comes to my wack-a-doodle-doo theories. Therefore, White will be the Final Gay simply because I want him to be, and because none of these other motherf*ckers deserve to live.

Yeah, Fluke hasn't actively done anything, but he knew all of this was happening and turned a blind eye, so if Por is dead, why not just kill all of them? Well, expect for the actual killers, Tan and Phi, and the Final Gay White.

Por's death could have just been an accident, and everyone else will get out of this alive, but . . . I don't want it. I want Fluke to shoot Top, Tee to wrestle the gun away from Fluke only for it to go off and kill Fluke, White to kill Tee and run off scared, Tan to "die" because of an asthma attack (but he won't be dead), which will leave Jin and Phi as the only survivors, only for Jin to be stabbed by Phi right before White shows up with help.

Do you feel the crazy? Do you see what I was saying about myself? You cannot ask me logical questions because I am not using deductive skills. I'm operating off of vibes and vibes alone, which is why I felt Phi was sus in episode one. It's also why I don't like Jin. It's a vibe.

Which brings me to your drugs question - The vibes are off!

I think that Non is still alive and running around scaring them all, so not everything is because of the drugs, but if the energy isn't right, if the mood isn't chill, if the vibe isn't good, the drugs are going to hit different. The figurative trip will be bad. So if the literal trip involves the boys talking about Non and seeing videos of Non while they run through the woods for their lives, whatever drugs are in their system aren't going to be happy in a body with that amount of stress, and their brain will focus on Non and the masked killer. In fact, a common side effect of most party drugs is paranoia.

Hell, even some known prescriptions for depression and anxiety can cause these side effects.

Then again, I just do drugs. I don't know the actual science behind them, but I do know if the vibes ain't right, you're not gonna have a good night.

And these boys seem to be having a really shitty night.

But also, the boys haven't all seen the same thing. Fluke saw Por's eyes bleeding and attacking him. White saw a rash on his skin. Jin saw Mr. Keng. Top saw the masked killer trying to axe him (I think part of this was real) and thought he saw a masked killer in the road, so he scared Tee going on about it. Top also might be having a reaction to it which is why he was seizing.

PSA: Test your drugs, kids. Even Amazon, which I think is the devil, sells drug testing kits.

In case you have no idea what this image is about, the joint in her hand is laced with cocaine and was probably one of the reasons her ass was going through endless time loops, so don't do coke. Or things laced with it. Unless you wanna go into other dimensions and DIE every single time. Okay? M'kay!

So to wrap up my special brand of crazy:

White will be the Final Gay because like the Backstreet Boys, "I want it that way."

Everyone deserves to die because Phi is a cop's kid, and if the cops are good for anything, it's covering up the truth, so let this work in our favor for once.

Drugs be drugging, and sometimes people will think of the boy they tried to kill when under the influence, but it's a toss up. Who can predict what a person will see? So, like, don't betray people and you won't hallucinate being stalked by your own guilt *cough* Judas *cough*

Oh, and always test your drugs.

I hope this helped you, but it probably didn't. Either way, I'll see you in the tags in a few hours after Non finally loses his shit.

Slay, Non, slay!

#dead friend forever #dead friend forever the series #I wrote what I wrote #I have theories for days #but it's all based on vibes

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j0kers-light · 7 months

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Your blog is my my favourite after work stress relief! Can I request joker sending reader to get some DNA from batman so he can find out his true identity and maybe they kiss and joker isn't happy at all?

His Lighthouse: A Little Favor (LedgerJoker x f!reader)

A Little Favor - Oneshot

KEEP IN MIND THIS IS NOT A STORY UPDATE!

Hey hi anon!!! 🖤✨

August 10th! I've sat on this ask for... good Lordt. I don't do well with taking breaks but slowly but surely I’m cleaning out my ask inbox! Progress. Anyhoo! I combined this wonderful request with this one! I hope everyone enjoys this oneshot as I continue to rest up my hand. The next chapter will probably be updated next month.

Edit: I'm so happy to know my blog is your after work stress relief! That's why I work so hard to make great content for people to enjoy! Sending love your way! Read this tomorrow after work beloved!

Edit number two: I forgot to add the song choice lol

taglist:

@blackreaderatrisk @twinkledinkle @clemdango04 @l3ejm @tears-of-amber @what-an-angel @darthjokerisyourfather @thatsnoteii @dollster @cheetahspy @kaidennnnn @urdariingdoll @motivation-idontknowher @ins0mniac-whack @spaghettificationandpretzels @reneisance @alittlesmartcookie @ninacutebee16 @carydorse

Wanna be included in the official His Lighthouse taglist? Let me know!

At the end of the day, you had to understand that this was Joker's idea.

He fabricated this crazy idea and dragged you into it. Naturally, it quickly spiraled out of control and yet, it was still his idea.

Joker had no right to be mad at you. You did what was asked of you, although his reaction to it all still hurt. Should you have known getting DNA from Batman would be the catalyst for you and Joker's first fight, you would have said no when he asked you.

At the time it was a far fetched request, it still was, but you saw how much it meant to Joker.

He was stressed out for days trying to orchestrate some outrageous plan with no results so far. He wanted something new and original to annoy Batman with and no run of the mill tactic would do.

Nothing was worse than watching Joker try and scheme and not come up with any ideas. Joker quickly became irritable and moody even towards you.

You tried offering hugs or encouraging kisses but he shrugged you off and continued working on his schemes and useless intel as if they held the answer. You were hurt about being pushed away but decided to work on your work far away from Joker and his bummy attitude.

You were honestly getting fed up with the cold shoulder treatment until Joker literally popped up out of nowhere with an eerie grin on his face. "Bunnnnnnyyyyyy, can ya do me a lit-le favor?"

His cajoling voice should have warned you. It was manipulative and sickly sweet, but it was the only source of attention Joker gave you in days– so you paid it no mind and sucked up his attention like a sponge.

Joker knew you had separation anxiety. He iced you out on purpose knowing you'd do anything for his attention. And Joker wanted you desperate enough to do anything.

What he was about to ask you was no easy task.

"Y-You want me to w-what?" Surely, you heard him incorrectly but Joker just grinned and kissed both of your cheeks, your eyelids, and finally your nose.

He was being too affectionate but it didn't dawn on you at the time.

"Aht aht, you heard me correctly, doll. I want yooooouuu, to, uhh, get D-N-A from my dear friend Batsy." He said it like it was the easiest thing in the world. You weren't sure if he was serious or not.

"B-But how?! I mean, I know the guy– we're on speaking terms," you missed Joker's jaw clenching. "But that won't help me get.. Joker, do you know what you're asking me to do?!"

He did. Joker thought you were the perfect candidate for this job.

You were an innocent civilian and the caped crusader would never suspect someone like you to be up to any nefarious deeds. You could outsmart a fox with your wit and rob someone blind with that smile of yours.

You were perfect for the job. It didn't matter if you succeeded or not, in fact; Joker expected you would fail but he still wanted you to try. There was more to this insane scheme than just getting a sample of DNA, but you didn't need to worry yourself over the details.

"Y/n.. Bunny. Sweetheart! Look at me." He waited until you did and rubbed your pouting lower lip with his thumb, "M'not askin for much. A napkin with some sweat on it, a swab of uhhh, saliva, ideally a piece of hair! It's. Not. That. Hard. Y/n. Do anything it takes. Butttt, don't fail."

During his speech Joker's tone became dark and you knew he was getting serious. It wasn't a request, this was an order.

You still were unsure but you didn't want J upset with you! He trusted you with this task and even though you were underqualified, you'd try your best!

One look into his dark jade eyes made you cave in.

"O-Okay..." You mumbled.

Joker gasped and hugged you close. He then showered your face with kisses and soft, "That's my girl! Thank you, Bunny!" into your ear.

Each little praise made you feel sick to your stomach. Just what did you agree to?

The next day you were a ball of nerves. Joker left a little after lunchtime, leaving you alone with your doubts.

What if you failed? What if you got caught? Should you seriously go through with this?

You were already an accessory by helping Joker with whatever plan he cooked up this week. Although the role was small, you could face some serious jail time– as if harboring a fugitive wasn't already a serious offense. That thought sent you down another spiral. What if Batman figured that out and arrested you? This was a big risk you were taking.

"Okay, Y/n calm down. You're overthinking things. Just stick to your plan, you got this." You psyched yourself up and headed out the door.

Gotham City was full of crime and even busier people.

You usually kept your head down and stayed out of trouble, but tonight, you wanted trouble to find you. The quicker something happened, the quicker the possibility of Batman swooping in to save the day could happen.

Now, you understood that Gotham was a huge place. The population was well over ten million and stretched out between three connecting islands. The probability of Batman coming to save you was negative zero. He had far more important things to do than save a random citizen from petty crime.

However; there was a zero chance of you running into Joker all those months ago when he first escaped, yet here you are. Dating a wanted criminal.

Anything could happen so you applied the same principle to Batman saving you. You sighed to yourself and waited for the walk sign to turn green.

The plan was to get mugged– an easy objective in this wretched city– or be a witness to something bigger. Nothing too violent or dangerous but high profile enough to warrant the bat's attention. It was only eight pm so you had all night to run into the Dark Knight and begin your actual mission.

But first, you needed a bite to eat. Your nerves were shot so you headed over to a nearby corner store that sold hot food. You'd kill for a birria taco right about now.

Joker promised that you would have extra security tonight and that nothing would happen to you on their watch. All you had to do was lure Batman out, get a sample, and book it back to your apartment.

If only things in life went as planned. While you were walking across the street, two men dressed in black nodded to themselves and followed. Around the corner, your security detail got distracted by a rival gang and started a fight, leaving you alone and without backup.

The store's bell chimed when you walked in. The smell of beef and spicy peppers hit you instantly and made your stomach cry out in glee. Rows and rows of convenient food and drinks were inside the store but you ignored it all to head over towards the hot food section. Javi spotted you coming and greeted you warmly.

Javi and his wife treated you like family since you were a regular at their store. You were always polite, a great tipper, and you respect your elders.

Iliana wanted you to join the family for real and matched you with her nephew but you weren't interested and neither was since he stood you up on the first date. You smiled fondly and cast the memory aside. You were happy with Joker even if things recently were a little rocky at present.

You came to a stop near Javi's counter with a heavy sigh. Javi already knew your order and began to prepare it.

"Dang, at least let me pretend to order!" You laughed.

He waved you off. "I know what my hija wants. Birria taco, jalapenos on the side, extra cheese, with four limas, no?"

He laughed at you feying offense. "You ain't gotta call me out like that.. but yes."

Two men bursting into the store carrying guns interrupted the playful banter. Your pension for trouble was impeccable. The night had just begun and already you found yourself in a pickle.

A gun was pointed at Javi's head as a robber demanded the money from both cashiers. Javi started speaking Spanish to stall but paid the price with a punch to the face. Thankfully he was able to hit the panic button as he fell.

"Javi!" You cried out his name as the other thug walked up behind you. He eyed you up and down with a lecherous grin.

A few patrons tried to make a run for it and were riddled with bullets. A hand covered your mouth and yanked you back into a chest before you could scream.

"It would be a shame if I blew your head off. D__n, you fine." You felt the gun dig into your temple followed by a wet kiss trailing down your neck.

The two men quickly took control of the store and then it was just you and Javi in a sticky situation.

Where was your security detail at a time like this?! You blinked back tears as minutes dragged on in a state of dread.

You were forced to watch as Javi was ordered to empty out his cash registers. Thank goodness Iliana wasn't working tonight, the woman had quite the temper and would've been shot if she opened her smart mouth. You on the other hand was smart enough to keep quiet even as the robber got handsy with you. Javi didn't like that one bit but staying calm was the only logical thing to do in this situation.

He locked eyes with you when you whimpered. "It'll be alright, Y/n. Focus on me." You nodded and tried to ignore the stranger groping your body.

"QUIT STALLIN' OLD MAN!" Javi was hit again and forced to empty the drawers faster.

You flinched away from your captor when he nuzzled your neck. "Y/n, that's a pretty name.. Hey whatcha doing later? Wanna come with me?"

Was this man, the same one holding you gunpoint, asking you out? You had no comment and shuddered in disgust when he sucked on your neck harder and humped your leg as his partner did all the work.

Javi tried to reason with the thugs to let you go, but you knew this wouldn't end well.

For starters, neither of them wore any masks. And two, the robber already had his gun raised to shoot Javi when the lights suddenly went out. The store was plunged into darkness and the two goons were immediately spooked. "What the... who turned off the lights?!"

"Ion know man but I don't like it." The gun pressed to your temple wavered.

Then you heard it. Soft footsteps to your left.

A whooshing sound was heard and then you were pushed away from your captor. Since you had good night vision (all thanks to Joker and his love for the dark) you watched a shadow darker than the night fight off the two robbers.

Batman actually showed up. You were relieved yet curious. Weren't store robberies beneath him?

The fight hardly lasted a minute when the lights were turned back on. The convenient store was secure and you looked around at the aftermath in awe. Two robbers were lying on the floor in pain, a few dead bodies were near the door, and Javi was lying unconscious behind the food counter.

You were the only one left standing as Batman secured the store. You didn't want to follow through with your mission— I mean the man just saved you, but this was your only chance. The Dark Knight looked everything over once more before locking eyes with you.

His footsteps barely made a sound as he approached.

"Are you alright?" His modified voice sent shivers down your spine. It sounded familiar yet so foreign, but this was a friend. You weren't afraid of Batman.

You were however in shock. Getting a sample of his DNA sounded plausible in theory but now as he stood before you, you were humbled real quick.

"Y/n? Did he hurt you?" Batman asked again and reached out to touch your elbow.

You didn't know you were shaking until you collapsed into his arms with a wet sob.

The only sound in the store was your muffled cries. Joker broke his promise and your security detail failed to do their job. You were held at gunpoint and a random man put his hands on you. You could only imagine what Joker would do once he found out. Just thinking about him made you tense up in Batman's arms.

Somehow you had to get DNA from your savior. Your e/c eyes shot up to Batman's concerned ones. They were a lovely shade of blue unlike you've ever seen.

"I.... I uh. I'm f-fine." You mumbled.

Batman's eyes squinted and accessed you pensively. He wanted to say more and parted his lips to do so, but the sound of approaching sirens snapped him back to reality.

Batman sighed and was turning to leave when you stopped him, "Wait! I haven't thanked you!"

"Quit getting into trouble and you wouldn't need to thank me."

Good point. You pursed your lips with a scoff. "... Well I can't guarantee that."

Batman spun on his feet and you panicked. He was leaving and you had yet to get anything off the man! Your window of opportunity was closing so you had to think fast.

You thought back to Joker's request. 'A napkin with some sweat on it, a swab of uhhh, saliva, ideally a piece of hair!' You glanced at Batman's retreating form.

His cowl covered his hair and the black Kevlar suit guaranteed that no sweat was accessible to you. Which left....

"Do anything it takes. Butttt, don't fail."

You squeezed your eyes shut. "Bats wait!"

He wasn't supposed to be here. The panic button Javi hit sent a distress call to the GCPD and since Batman was in the area, he decided to check it out.

It was a simple robbery in progress until Batman realized you were inside.

You had a knack for getting into trouble and you were also very easy on the eyes. Nightwing teased Batman about it constantly. You were a weakness to the Caped Crusader. Whenever Batman heard a crime in progress with victims fitting your description, he dropped everything to come save you.

Bruce had a crush on you and he hoped you reciprocated those feelings.

It was the only reason why you batted your eyelashes, took the time to talk to him (like a human being) and thanked him in your own special way whenever he rescued you. It was the reason why he stopped in his tracks and gave you his undivided attention tonight.

There were a million and one things he could be doing right now yet he waited for your next move.

You rushed over, grabbed Batman by the face, and pulled him down for a kiss. He was caught off guard but you were on a mission. You and Batman had kissed in the past; a chase peck here or there, well before you had met Joker, but nothing like today.

Today, you gave it your all.

Your tongue swiped the roof of his mouth and danced with his tongue to collect the highest amount of saliva you could.

You made this kiss count and made sure it was wet and sloppy. Batman held you close with a strong hand on your waist and you tossed away your guilt of infidelity in order to get what your lover wanted.

Do anything it takes, but you would not fail Joker. He could never find out about this though.

The GCPD cruisers finally arrived at the scene and Batman shoved you away. He gave you one last heated gaze before he left the way he came. You watched him go as you dug in your purse for the plastic baggie you had inside.

When you were sure he was gone, you spat inside of it and hid it right as cops stormed into the store.

Javi was coming to and so the interrogation began. Your bag burned hanging by your side. You did the impossible, you actually got DNA from Batman! You just hope it was enough.

The first thing you saw when you returned to the penthouse was Joker pacing in the living room.

The last thing you wanted to do was confront Joker after being interrogated by Jim Gordon and his men all night. Joker pounced on you the second he saw you.

Joker grabbed you by the shoulders and shook you roughly. "WhaT. Happened?!"

He already had an idea on what happened. He got a call from a recon team in the area saying you were taken to GCPD headquarters for questioning after being involved in a robbery.

Despite personally sending you into danger, Joker's heart dropped to his stomach. Were you alright? Did you manage to trick Bats or were you unsuccessful? Judging by your defeated face, it was most likely the latter. The report from his men didn't include details yet you never seemed to surprise him.

"I-I'm okay. Javi and I were held at gunpoint at his corner store tonight. People died so I had to make a statement downtown."

That didn't answer his unspoken question so Joker asked you point blank. "Did you get what I asked for?"

You stared at him in disbelief. Joker was perfectly calm in light of what you just said. "Joker? I said I was held at gunpoint tonight."

J smacked his lips with a shrug. "OK? Did ya get what I uhh asked for?"

You blinked in silence. There was no way this was the Joker you knew and loved.

Possessive and yandere Joker would jump at the opportunity to kill anyone who dared lay a finger on you. Mind the fact you were teary eyed! That alone would have a normal Joker on his knees trying to make you happy again. The man in front of you now was all business so you shoved him away in anger.

Joker looked confused by your actions but you didn't care. You were tired of his attitude.

"You promised me I would be safe tonight but guess what? The exact opposite happened! I almost died!"

"But you didn't." Joker interrupted. Your jaw dropped to the floor and his callous remark. It was the last straw.

You were ready to scream. "Unbelievable. Unbelievable! What is wrong with you?! Is your stupid plan to kill the bat more important than my safety?" You saw Joker open his mouth and you quickly cut him off. "Don't answer that."

His response would only break your heart even more. You shook your head and tried walking past Joker but he yanked you back by your arm.

"I won't ask again, Y/n." He glanced at your satchel. You followed his gaze and grew defensive. So you did the impossible after all. He was impressed. "Hand it over."

"Get your hands off me." You fired back.

You were tired and beyond frustrated with Joker. For an entire week he neglected you and your needs and gave you the cold shoulder for absolutely no reason. Yet when you finally do something for his sorry behind, he's the one that gets an attitude? Tough cookie.

You weren't going for it and he would not get to benefit off of your pain. You almost died to get this D.N.A. Screw Joker and his plans, you weren't giving him anything.

Joker just rolled his eyes at you and ripped your bag off your shoulder. You had no time to stop him, it happened so fast. Perhaps you were more tired than you thought.

He stormed straight to the dining room table and dumped the contents of your bag out on top of it. "Excuse me, what are you doing?!" You yelled at him.

You shuffled behind him as pens, crumpled receipts, your lip balm, wallet, etc. fell out of your bag along with a plastic bag that caught Joker's eye. He turned his nose up at the contents since it was a liquid and clung to the plastic.

He held it up to inspect it more closely. "Do I wanna know what this is?" You took one glance at the clear liquid and then proceeded to look away.

Nothing got past Joker. He was too smart and probably identified the contents already as you remained silent. He was only asking to belittle you and that made you even more mad at him. Joker was insulting you left and right tonight.

He shouted your name to get your attention. There was no reason to lie to the man and you wouldn't be nice about it with the way he was acting.

"What does it look like?" You snipped.

Joker wondered how in the world you got spit from his enemy but focused on the other things like your tone.

"Watch it, Y/n." Joker noticed your closed off demeanor and grew suspicious. "How did you geT it?"

Why did it feel like you were in the principal's office? Joker had what he wanted, there was no need for another interrogation tonight. You already went through three at the police precinct.

Joker could pretend that he didn't care all he wanted but the man put the J in jealousy. You were not going to explain how you got that sample. His foul mood stunk up the room and telling him would only make things worse.

You cleared your throat while scratching the back of your neck. "I'm tired after being held at gunpoint to witnessing a murder, to being questioned over and over by the police. It can really drain a girl... so I'm gonna turn in for the night."

You eyed the time with a grimace. It was almost midnight.

Joker knew what you were doing. He hated when you ran from things. The fact you were, was confirmation that you were hiding something.

"You know I hate, uh, re-peat-ting myself but I'll do it one moooore time. How. Did. You. Get. It?" Each word chilled you to the bone and Joker's aggressive aura had you cowering in your boots.

You had never seen this version of Joker before. He was treating you like you were one of his henchmen. And then it hit you. You were. Joker sent you on an errand and he wanted answers, however; you weren't under his employ and you owned him nothing, especially with how he was treating you.

"It doesn't matter how I got it, Joker. You wanted it, so I got it. Honestly, a thank you would suffice. Now move. I'm tired."

You shoved Joker to the side but in doing so, you presented your neck to his gaze. He zeroed in on the fresh hickey blooming on your shoulder. He was too busy this past week to even talk, let alone touch you. It wasn't his work. And then he knew why you were so fidgety and dodging his questions.

His left eye twitched and he saw red.

You were nearing the hallway when Joker caught up with you. You yelped at his sudden appearance but you weren't expecting him to slam you into the wall and yell in your face.

"Are ya too tired after uh, fooling around with Batsy? Really Y/n? Are ya that desperate for attention you'll let anyone touch you?"

You were insulted until you remembered that one of the robbers left a hickey on you before Batman knocked him out.

You tried to tell Joker this earlier but he wouldn't listen. "J.. that's not.."

His fist collided with the hall next to your head, making you jump. It was too close for comfort.

"Shut! Up! All.. I needed you to do was spook the dumb bat! Make him think I wanted to know his true identity! NOT drop your pants for him! Did ya enjoy having sex with your ex?" Your eyes widened in fear.

That was a secret you vowed to take to the grave. How did...

Joker laughed right in your face.

"I know Bat's is an old fling of yours, Y/n. Don't act all sur-prised. Why do ya think I want him dead soooooo badly, hmm? Gotta take out the competition. He asked for it, touchin what's mine. But don't worry, I got juuuuust the thing to handle our dear Bats. But I know you, Y/n. You.. you like to follow instructions. I asked for DNA and I know you got iT. Let's spread your legs and find out just how much of an obedient whore you reall–"

You ended Joker's rant with a loud slap to his face. Joker blinked in shock. He never thought you'd hit him but sure enough, it kinda stung.

You were just as speechless (and a little scared of the consequences) but you wouldn't stand around and be insulted.

Joker slowly turned his head to face you once you gained the confidence to speak your mind.

"How dare you? I risked my life for you but the only thing you care about is how I got the sample? You wanna know? Fine I'll tell you, I kissed him! I kissed Batman because you asked me to! I was held at gunpoint, groped, and kissed on by a stranger because your men failed to protect me! A guy touched what you think is yours but you only care about me kissing Batman! You don't even care about me and my well-being! I-I watched people die tonight. I feel awful for cheating on you but is it wrong when YOU asked me to?"

He stepped back when you started to cry.

"You can't use me and then get upset when I do anything it takes to appease you! I am not her!"

"You know that I'll do anything to make you happy! This stupid plan of yours was driving you insane all week so I agreed to help but you manipulated me! Am I guilty for what I did? Yes! I am but I shouldn't have to apologize. I was simply following your orders. I did anything it took to not fail."

All was quiet in the hallway as your words sank in. Joker finally saw how much this affected you and he was at a loss on how to rectify this situation. He could start by drying your tears.

"Y/n, please." Joker raised his hands but you slapped them away.

"No. Don't touch me, I'm done. I'm done." You smiled and Joker knew you meant it. You were the only person he knew that could cry and smile at the same time and still look beautiful.

His worst nightmare was finally coming true. You were waking up from your fantasy and were kicking him out of your life. Joker never wanted this day to come but it was happening.

Joker loved everything about you but your eyes were his favorite. They were so expressive, a literal window into your soul. He knew exactly what you were thinking and/or feeling with just one look and today, your e/c eyes told him everything.

You were done.

You stared straight into his green eyes and your gaze didn't waver. Your conscience was clear and with a voice of an angel, you doled out Joker's penance. "Get out of my apartment and don't come back."

Joker slid to the floor just outside your front door in shock.

Perhaps this was one of those out of body experiences people talked about for he felt absolutely numb. He couldn't hear anything and he looked down at his hands only to find them shaking. Joker couldn't believe it. You were done. You wanted him gone and you had every right after what he did.

He failed to protect you, subjected you to a near death experience, and forced you to betray your morals and your loyalty to him— just to follow his orders.

He treated you as if you were one of his hired goons.

He treated you like he did her.

He knew he failed when you pointed out that fact. Joker promised that you'd never be involved with his organization but he broke that promise and sent you out. How dare he not treat you like the goddess you were? He failed to cherish you and now you were done with him.

His hand came up to touch his sore cheek. You had every right to slap him. You were everything to him and he neglected you to focus more on his work. He betrayed you in the worst way.

You opened his eyes to the path he was leading you down and he felt sick to his stomach.

This past week was stressful but he went too far. He twisted your love and trust and crumbled it up like tissue paper to accomplish his goals. Nothing could rectify this but he had to try. He couldn't lose you. He just couldn't.

Joker was still seated outside your front door like a lost puppy. He considered scratching on the door if that would prove just how sorry he was. He was a fool for manipulating you and dragging you into his world, but he would spend the rest of his days doing everything in his power to earn you back.

Of course, he had no clue how to win you back but if one thing Joker was good at, it was being resourceful. His eye caught the small display case of flowers you kept in the hall off the elevator and a light bulb went off in his head.

He couldn't lose the best thing that ever happened to him. He needed to make a phone call. Joker could only hope that Morgana looked past their differences and helped him.

In the meantime, J kept an eye on you with the security camera app on his phone. You disappeared into your master bedroom and had yet to come out by the time Morgana and Mac arrived many hours later.

They looked at the infamous clown sitting on the floor and shared a look. This was worse than they thought. Morgana was weighed down with items but nudged the blond with her elbow.

Mac sighed but cleared his throat to get Joker's attention. "Boss? Boss. We got everything you asked for." Mac said on deaf ears.

Joker was spacing out, staring at your black front door– lost in thought. What if this didn't work? Was this truly the end? He couldn't lose his reason for existing. You had to take him back.

Morgana was getting impatient and adjusted her handful before speaking up. "He's been sitting there all day.." She whispered to Mac and he slowly nodded. He had never seen his employer look so defeated before.

The green haired clown looked like it was the end of the world and he already accepted his fate. But Mac wouldn't be here if Joker didn't have a plan in place to win you back.

Although if this didn't work, then Mac was genuinely concerned for Joker.

J had camped outside your apartment for the entire day, refusing food and water– not wanting to miss if the door opened and you welcomed him back with open arms.

Even Frost came by, not believing it when Mac reported that Joker had 'broken down' outside your place. You and J never fought before so everyone was at a loss on what to do.

"Is she still inside?" Morgana asked out the blue.

Joker came out of his fog, nodding listlessly. He looked up and saw the items he asked them to bring and jumped to his feet to help. Morgana yelped at the sudden motion and almost dropped her stuff. J rolled his eyes but took control back over the situation.

He fished out his phone to check on you. No motion detected for hours. "Hmm. She's been inside her room since this morn-ing. It's now or never."

Joker unlocked the front door and gestured for Morgana and Mac to follow him inside. Morgana glanced around and set down her supplies. When she heard Joker's idea over the phone, it didn't sound plausible, but now looking at the space, he was a mad genius.

He looked at her with an arched eyebrow. "I can work with this." Morgana assured him.

"Great, then I'll grab the rest." Mac sighed. He left the apartment to start hauling supplies up.

For the next few hours, the three of them worked on turning Joker's apology into a reality.

You woke up to the apartment's stereo system crackling to life. What was Joker up to now?

You patted your bed for your phone to check the time. Your eyes blinked in disbelief reading the time. It was close to nine pm. You slept the entire day. Granted, after you kicked Joker out, you showered, and cried yourself to sleep but you didn't think he would bother you anytime soon. You told him to get out and not come back.

But this was Joker here. Since when did he listen to anyone? You groaned to yourself and got out of bed to tell him off again.

This wasn't a small offense that he could sweep under the rug. Joker couldn't treat you like one of his goons and think it was okay. He hurt you with his careless behavior and you deserved an apology.

You knew Joker would never own up to his mistakes and apologize so you had to be an adult and assume responsibility instead. You needed some time away from Joker to think about your next course of action. Sending him away was a spur of the moment decision, one that you regretted making all day. You were never one for separation. Not having Joker nearby ate away at your heart even if you were upset with him.

Good thing Joker always thought two steps ahead of you.

The apartment was completely dark save for a path of lit candles in glass vases, situated in front of your door. You almost tripped on them walking out the door. You rubbed your eyes thinking you were dreaming but it was real.

A trail of light began at your bedroom door and led down the hall into the unknown.

You heard an instrumental playing in the background and immediately teared up. You could smell what lay ahead but it still felt like a dream. The distinct smell of roses in the air told you this was really happening.

Your hardwood floors were covered in roses and candles, creating a sea of red towards your living room.

Rose petals clung to your bare feet but you kept going. You had to see this through. The path kept going until you saw the huge arch made entirely of flowers– no doubt Morgana's doing. It was well over six feet tall and immaculate in design.

Red and pink balloons hung from the vaulted ceiling and their silk string tickled your shoulders as you walked through the dense field.

It was straight out of a romance film, everything was over the top. You had never seen so many flowers in the same room before. There had to be over a thousand individual rose petals lining the floor and over a hundred more stems in luxury vases scattered throughout the room.

You didn't know where to look, it was too much to take in. You were surrounded by roses.

You came to the end of the path and sobbed reading the giant pink balloons that spelled out, 'I'm Sorry.'

They said what Joker could never express.

Your living room was unrecognizable in a sea of roses and the soft glow of candles. Each detail sent your heart aflutter, but there was no Joker to be found. The song continued to play on a loop as the violins and trumpets set the mood perfectly but it meant nothing if Joker couldn't apologize to you directly.

You didn't know how he managed all of this while you slept. This had to take well over four hours if not more to assemble. So you waited for Joker to show and explain himself. As seconds turned into minutes, your anticipation turned into disappointment. You really thought Joker would be brave enough to come out but once again, he failed you.

You sighed and turned to head back to your bedroom when you finally spotted Joker.

He stood by the balcony door with his hands in his pockets. He had washed his makeup off and stood before you bare and honest.

The candlelight bounced off his freckles and highlighted handsome face, scars and all. His lips were bitten raw and you swore his eyes were puffy but Joker wasn't a crier. There was no reason for him to do so yet to your amazement, he blinked back his tears before speaking.

"B-Bunny.. I uh.." Joker raked a hand through his sunkissed locs and sniffed his nose. It was endearing to see a man like Joker at a loss for words. And haunting to see him so emotional.

But despite all of that, he used your favorite nickname. Earlier he only used your real name; a clear indication that he was mad at you. Now Joker was back to calling you bunny and that small detail made you crack a smile.

"Hope you don't mind.. I uh dec-or-ated a bit. You see– I uh, trieD staying away. I really did. but I can't. I can't just go away. I need my Light.. and I know ya need me too so.. P-Please, don't make me go."

You stayed still as Joker came over to cup your face. His palms were shaking but warm against your dry, puffy face and Joker noticed.

He took in every detail and commemorated it to memory since he saw you last. The tip of your nose red and raw from crying, your quivering lower lip, to the way your eyes watered staring up into his.

"My pretty girl.. You're right. You're not her and I shouldn't treat ya like that. I won't treat you like that ever again but ya gotta give me another chance. I can be anything you need me to be but I... Please let me come back. I need ya, doll. I need my Light."

You gasped in shock when Joker fell to his knees at your feet. "J-Joker!"

He left a lingering kiss on your stomach poking through your top and looked up at you.

Joker gazed at you as if you hung the stars and the moon in the night sky. His eyes rivaled them with how they gleamed in the candlelight, begging for a chance at redemption. Another song played on in the background but the two of you paid it no mind. You were keen on Joker's lips parting to speak.

"I don't deserve ya but I'll spend every day proving that I do." You carded your fingers through his hair and watched Joker close his eyes. "Please, Bunny." He sighed.

He kissed your palms and trailed his kisses up your wrist until you had enough. With a high pitched whine, you yanked Joker up by his hair and captured his lips in a desperate fever.

Joker didn't complain about the pain but heeded your unspoken command. He stood to his full high and kissed all of your pain away. You tried to talk in between gasps for air but Joker silenced your attempts with his fervent passion.

"You hurt me." You moaned.

Joker nodded and pushed you backwards until the back of your legs hit the couch.

"I know. I'm sorry, Bunny." He pushed you down and took in your beauty amongst the candlelight and sea of red.

Joker dropped to his knees again and helped you spread your legs. "Lemme make it up to ya."

#thanks anon!#thanks for the ask!#ledger joker x reader #ledger joker #heath joker #joker x y/n #reader insert #black!fem!reader #romance #cross posted on ao3 #cross posted on wattpad #clingy!joker #hope this answers your question!#his lighthouse #dark knight joker #joker x reader #hope you enjoy

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ghouljams · 3 months

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Aspiring slut anon again. I liked most of your advice but one thing is a sticking point that kind of upset me? The thing about I probably won’t come. Like men get to finish but I don’t? How is that fair? That’s one of the biggest reasons I’ve been put off by sex. Sure, sex feels good, whatever, but if it ends before I’ve gotten an orgasm, meanwhile my male partner got his, how am I supposed to be okay with that? That feels like letting someone use me as a fuck doll to get off. I know you said you’re not a slut like the way we’re talking about, and believe me I’d ask the more appropriate person if I knew who that is, I’m not trying to like center all of my insecurity on you. I just don’t understand how “you probably won’t come” is something I’m supposed to just accept when it’s representational of an unfair sexual dynamic.

If you truly do not believe that sex can be fun without that moment at the very end, then don't have sex. I have a lot of thoughts on this, but I'll try to keep it short.

The reality of the situation is that most afab people don't orgasm with a partner, at least 50% of the time. This can be because of stress, anxiety, a lack of stimulation, a lack of lubrication, feeling a lack of connection to their partner, or any combination of things. The orgasm gap is a real thing and you're right it isn't fair, but if you're thinking about sex only in terms of orgasm, then you're not going to enjoy the experience of it.

Most men, the men you should be aiming for when you're looking for folks to sleep with, want you to come. They will actively do their best to make sure it feels good for you, and they'll try to make sure you orgasm. That doesn't mean it will happen. If you really want to up your odds you have to get real comfortable with telling the person you're hooking up with what you want and what feels good, you're going to have to direct them. I don't want it to sound mean when I say, I assume you do not have the confidence to do that with someone you've just met if you are a virgin.

Not to be too TMI Bestie but I don't come every time I have sex with my partner and that man... whoo he is good at what he does... I still have fun, and I still enjoy the activity.

I'm going to say this as nicely as possible, but please remember that I am an older sibling(mean by birth) and also a random person on the internet(that you don't have to listen to): If you are not considering yourself an active participant in sex, or you are only concerned with your own pleasure, you do not sound mature enough to handle being a slut. You are not a "sex doll" being used by your partner to get off because you should be actively participating in sex. Sex is not a thing that is done to you, it is a thing that you do with someone.

"You might not come" is something you need to accept as part of sex because sex can be disappointing. It's not magical, it's messy and imperfect, and sometimes you don't come. That's it.

Fanfiction glorifies orgasm as this thing that always happens during sex, because fanfiction sex is wish fulfillment, everyone comes all the time and it's great! And maybe you will come your first time! It's a good thing to shoot for and hope for, it should impact your partner choice, and there's nothing wrong with going in wanting it to happen. But if it doesn't, what then? Will it still have felt good? Will you still have had fun, gotten some enjoyment from the experience?

Being "ok" with disappointment is part of being mature. Not everything is always going to be perfect and give you exactly what you want. Sex is just sex. You can have fun without a big finish.

#ghoul speaks #this feels like it got a little mean #but I'm not going to apologize for that #being ready for sex isn't just about wanting it #it's about being mature enough to handle everything around sex #including disappointment

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keezybees · 4 months

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Hi! I follow you across social media and I really love your art and am super looking forward to reading Hello Sunshine! I wanted to reach out because I'm also Bipolar and I really appreciate the work you do to spread awareness about it but there's something that I find kind of harmful in how you talk about it, and it's just the insistance that it absolutely can't be treated through non-medical means. I fully understand that meds are life-saving and that depending on the severity of symptoms, length, and frequency of episodes, going without medication can be lethal. However, as someone with Bipolar I but controlled symptoms (and frankly symptoms that seem a lot less disruptive than yours, I'm sorry), hearing that there's no path forward without medication would easily have triggered suicidal thoughts when I was younger. There are a lot of reasons why people can't be medicated (for me it was a combination of family control and financial struggle), but hearing at your lowest that there's no way forward without something that you can't have is really damaging. I think it's totally possible to stress the importance of medical access and the need to work with your medical provider without erasing the ways that non-medical treatments can also be life-saving, depending on a person's situation/symptoms/etc and that some people can live full lives even if their symptoms aren't fully controlled. Anyway, I love your work and I just wanted to raise this alternate perspective because I think you're helping a lot of people, but I also think a lot of people can be harmed by this rhetoric, especially marginalized people who can't seek medication for any number of factors beyond their control.

Hi Anon! I totally hear what you're saying, and so I just wanted to run through a few things to clarify my stance, both for you and for others who might be reading this (omg I am SO sorry this is so long though haha):

I do emphasize treatment a lot, because I think it's really important for people to work with professionals to find ways to manage their illness. This is partly due to my own experience (I avoided treatment for a looong time) and anecdotally, but also because the research we have is pretty clear--untreated bipolar has much, much worse outcomes for a vast majority of people. However! When I say treatment, I don't necessarily mean medication, and certainly not only medication! I absolutely think some people (though it is sadly rare) can find ways of managing their illness medication-free. I just feel that it's best to do this work with the help of professionals + peers (whether that's a psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, social worker, support group, etc) who can help you find your way, and help you manage symptoms that do crop up (this is especially true if you're currently on medication and choosing to go off of it, since that can come with physical risks). I could definitely stand to make this distinction a lot clearer though, and I'll try to be more mindful of it in the future.

I also can definitely see how my words could imply that I think non-medication ways of treating bipolar aren't valuable, and I'll work on my phrasing going forward, because they absolutely are! My aim is not to dismiss stuff like self-help or lifestyle changes or meditation or exercise, because I think they're great--for example, that kind of stuff has helped a ton with my anxiety and overall quality of life, and I know for a lot of people they help with their bipolar symptoms. But for me, these things simply don't have much of an impact on the bipolar, and our culture's emphasis on them frustrates me because it prevented me from getting proper care for a very long time, and made me feel like a failure for not being able to control my symptoms despite working so hard. So I'll also try to be more clear in the future about whether I'm venting about my own situation vs speaking broadly.

I also definitely hope I've never said anything that implies that our symptoms are inevitably life-ruining! My symptoms aren't completely controlled (particularly my lows), either, and I like to think I live a pretty good life. I think for many people un-treated bipolar can be life-ruining, and I've just heard too many stories about people who thought they could manage on their own only to have an absolutely devastating manic episode to not warn people of the risk. But most of us will continue to experience some degree of symptoms throughout our lives, absolutely.

I totally understand why someone would want to go med-free, or at least try it, and I in no way think the medications we have now are flawless haha. Side effects are awful, life-changing, and can even be life-threatening (I've had some horrible experiences with side effects myself); the meds we have now aren't very effective against depressive episodes for a lot of people (myself included), and for some people they're not effective at all; meds for most people don't completely eradicate symptoms, etc. I'm fully on board with the med struggle, and I honestly spend a lot of time criticizing the options available to us, though less so publicly, since I don't want to further stigmatize the idea of taking psych meds in general!

One of the reasons I emphasize medication (when I do emphasize meds, specifically) is because when I was younger, I was terrified of even the idea of them. I avoided it for years and really, really suffered because of it. I think our culture does in general look down on psych meds, particularly the kind we usually take, so I'm trying to destigmatize the concept of them, and emphasize for people with similar fears that taking meds can be just as life-saving and healing as they are harmful and frustrating, and that it's at least worth trying.

I'm a YA cartoonist (and former teacher, barista at a youth coffeehouse, tutor, I worked for a kids' gaming website...actually all of my jobs apart from dishwashing have involved kids, now that I think of it lmao), so a lot of the time when I'm talking about this stuff on social media, my target audience is sort of...very young people and kids who think they have bipolar (or may have even been diagnosed) but are afraid to seek help and/or don't think they need help and/or don't think help is going to actually help. So my goal is to demystify and normalize the idea of taking meds and/or seeking treatment for those people, and to emphasize that just because they're able to manage their illness now, that might change in the future, and imo they need to be aware of the very real risks, which includes things like an incredibly high suicide rate for unmedicated individuals, and the reality that the illness can be progressive (episodes can get worse and harder to treat the more you have them--they certainly did for me, and I wish I had been more open to the idea much earlier).

On a similar note, it's also important to recognize that a lot of things can look like bipolar, and a lot of people don't really know what bipolar actually looks like to begin with (particularly if you're getting your info from tiktok or similar). So if you've self-diagnosed and never explored treatment options (emphasis on options!) you can easily be missing stuff like thyroid issues, epilepsy, brain tumors, vitamin deficiencies, or a myriad of other treatable mental illnesses that mimic bipolar, and I strongly believe that people deserve care and help for whatever they're struggling with, including the possibility that it isn't bipolar at all!

Finally, I truly hope I've never said anything that comes off like I'm looking down on or judging people who choose to not be medicated for whatever reason! If it works for you then that's phenomenal (I'm jealous tbh) but it's honestly none of my business haha. When I talk about this stuff I do try to stress most people, because we're of course not a monolith, and when I say something like 'a majority of people with bipolar will need some form of medication to flourish' I don't mean to dismiss those who aren't in that majority. It's more that I want people to be open to the idea that they're not failures for needing meds, that they're actually in very good company, as well as to combat the 'just meditate! or try harder!' narrative that's so prevalent in our culture.

Edit: one last thought, which is that part of my target audience is also parents or guardians whose kids might be struggling--kids are obviously the group with the least access to treatment on their own terms. My hope is that talking about my experiences and discussing the risks will help motivate guardians to get help for their kids, and also help motivate kids to seek their own treatment as soon as they're able. Most people develop bipolar in their late teens and early 20s (though my first hypomanic ep was at 16), so it's a relatively small percentage of folks in this situation, but I do see how a kid whose parents aren't willing to help them could take my words badly, so I'll try to keep that in mind!

I'm definitely going to be more careful about how I phrase things going forward, because I can absolutely see how my intent could be lost. Hopefully this clears things up a bit (although it's also possible that we simply disagree, and I think that's okay too--like I said, our community is not a monolith, and a lot of these conversations are fundamentally ongoing)!

tldr; I'll make an effort to watch my words so that it's clear that my target audience really isn't my bipolar peers, and that the target of my criticisms is anti-medication wellness culture + psych med stigma, not the concept of non-medication alternatives or additions in general. And I'll try to do a better job of highlighting when I'm speaking only for myself vs our community as a whole!

#once again i am so sorry this is so long #i just felt your message was really heartfelt and thoughtful and i want to make sure i respond in kind #!#bipolar #bipolar disorder #mental illness #replies

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biomecharnotaurus · 1 year

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Do you have any tips for people who want to get into cosplay? It both sounds and looks really interesting but I’m too nervous to try/start.

First off:

Don't worry about the acting part, it's less stressful than it really seems, and I'm saying this as somebody who suffers from anxiety since his teen ages and had an history of pretty frequent anxiety attacks. I started cosplaying in the year 2014, made my proper first "heavy duty" cosplay in 2016.

But do keep in mind, cosplaying comes with its ups and downs and I won't sugar-coat things, so I'll start with them.

Pros

RP in real life is very fun.

You'll probably be stopped by a lot of people if your cosplay is easily recognizable, so be ready. Pictures. A lot of pictures. Which seems a bit awkward but it's often pretty wholesome.

Interacting with other cosplayers (without bothering busy people) is fun.

Going with a buddy definitely makes the experience a lot better. D&D party irl with weaponized autism

Meet new people! Sometimes.

Do fun activities! You can even swordfight your friends and other random cosplayers in small arenas sometimes. FIGHT THE GENSHIN COSPLAYER WITH A FOAM AXE ANON

You can win a Tekken tournament with a full rotting rabbit animatronic costume on!

There is at least one Dance Dance Revolution machine. I don't need to say more.

Cons

Cosplaying is often expensive. You can cosplay on a budget but it comes with lots of in-place reparations.

Bring water and food with you. Drink. A lot. Especially if you have a full armor or a monster fullsuit. You could literally die from exhaustion and/or from overheating.

People are gonna probably take pictures of you without asking. Yell at them with rage because that's illegal

Awkward interactions do happen. Yours truly had to scold a child and her mother at the age of 16 because I was resting my cosplay head next to me (Springtrap cosplay) and the child was trying to pop the eyes of MY cosplay head while I was talking to my friends.

Bring a reparation kit. A little sewing kit, some strong glue, hot glue gun, a piece of cloth you don't have a problem using to keep things in place with, make-up wipes and the make-up you are using as well, if you have any on. That and an emergency kit with bandages and band-aids. Shit can happen.

You are gonna sweat. A lot. Take breaks.

If you have something like a helmet on you are gonna have blind spots. You are probably not gonna hear nor see people calling you sometimes lol

Conventions are expensive. But that's not a cosplay-only thing, keep that in mind tho.

People often forget you are a person outside of the character you are cosplaying as. Which could be both a pro and a con honestly.

Now, I'm not nor a woman nor feminine presenting, but if you are one of the two...gamers are fucking weird sometimes, so be prepared in case.

The actual making the cosplay part:

Do your research on the kind of cosplay you want to do. A partial armor? A full armor? Clothing/make-up? A full monster/animal suit? YouTube is full of good tutorials. Techniques are universal for any typology of cosplay, so don't worry.

If you need cosplay parts you don't know how to make, just look up for "pepakura template *insert thing*". Download a program called "Pepakura viewer" on your PC and look up for Pepakura tutorials if you need any help, there are plenty. You'll probably find templates for the specific part, maybe for free, but mostly for like 10-20 bucks on Etsy. You can also just straight up buy props. Keep in mind 3D printed props can be very fragile tho.

You don't need to make every single part, buy premade things if needed. Hell, you can even just buy a premade cosplay from a seller, doesn't matter.

Improvising is important to find solutions to cosplay making problems. Any technique is a valid technique if it works for you...but please, for the love of everything that is good, DON'T. USE. CARDBOARD. It's gonna absorb your sweat, get moldy and the fumes from the mold CAN KILL YOU. Not joking.

Important: buy a mask with interchangeable filters and safety glasses when you use paints. Also, wear gloves. Your health comes first.

If you are making an helmet...buy at least 2 small fans and install them inside vents below or next to the visor inside the helmet. Believe me when I say this. They do sell ones with premade circuits on Etsy, if you are not particularly good with wiring and stuff.

AliExpress is unironically good for supplies, if you don't want to spend too much.

Sewing and using strong glues makes things last for ages, hot glue does not and it sucks, as much as people use it. Use safety equipment while using glues, of course.

Again, YouTube is your friend in this case. Search for anything you'll need help for.

...you should probably look up at reviews if you plan on buying anything from sites like XCoser.

That's it!

#ask #anon #cosplay #cosplay tips

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batmanisagatewaydrug · 10 months

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hii sex witch

im 19 afab and ive never had sex before, i masturbate sometimes but ive never had an orgasm and dont know how to "get it"?.. im generally scared of sex and identified as asexual for a long time but i dont think thats really my deal, im just scared of it. im scared of it being awkward, of my partner not finding me atractive or worse. i dont like how i look naked, and dont imagine anyone ever could. i think my vagina and my boobs look ugly and alien, i preach body positivity and being natural i think all bodies are good no matter how they look but when im faced with the reality of my own body im repulsed by these parts of it. i think something may be broken inside me because i just cant Be Normal about sex, the thought of me having it always makes me stressed and uncomfortable. i want a relationship and i love meeting new people and flirting etc. but when the person i talk to makes any sexual joke or innuendo i get super tense and scared and realise that if things get further they would probably want me to do it... and maybe i could and maybe i even want to but the thought makes me sick with the pressure. this isnt even a question, so i dont know how you could even respond but i dont have anyone i could openly talk about this in my life without feeling super weird or them just brushing it off as "you'll grow up to it" or something, and i just had to say it to someone or else i will eventually explode. hope this all makes sense ❤️‍🩹

hey anon,

come in, get cozy, grab a glass of lemonade, etc. we're gonna be here a minute.

so listen: I swear to GOD this isn't me trying to pull the "you'll grow into it" thing. I am going somewhere different with this I swear. bear with me.

first and foremost, I think the main problem you're experiencing right now is that being 19. I don't mean that in a condescending or belittling way, or to imply that you just don't want to have sex because you're 19. I'm saying that being 19 (and 18, and 20, and 21, and so on) is mostly for being worried about everything and having no idea what's going on. you have to get all that insane anxiety out of your system as early as possible in your adult years so that you can get down to business actually developing a perspective and figuring out what you want to do. I'm not even, like, a LOT older than you but trust me, by the time you're 26 you're going to feel SOOOOO different about things that you don't even realize you have an opinion about right now. when I was 19 I was made pretty much exclusively of anxiety and the cheapest bagels at the grocery store. (eating badly was not helping my anxiety.)

what I'm getting at here is that you're at like a very exciting and terrible formative age when it's the most normal thing in the world to feel like there's something uniquely awful and hideous and unlovable about yourself. when I was 19 the two most important things in the world to me were losing my virginity (lmao) and making sure I never experienced actual emotional intimacy ever because I was sure that if anyone got close enough to really know me they would realize that I was the worst person who ever lived and fundamentally undeserving of human connection. TERRIBLE place to be in; I had a lot of deeply bad and uncomfortable sex because of it.

there's a really easy solution to being terrified of sex, which I wish someone had told me when I was very scared of sex, and it's if having sex sounds like a horrific ordeal you can actually just Not Have Sex. just don't do it. it's actually REALLY easy to not have sex; millions of people do it every single day.

if you like meeting people and flirting, that's awesome! you should do that, having connections and relationships with other people is important. if you don't like sexual jokes and innuendos you can just tell people they make you uncomfortable and ask them not to do that; how they respond is actually a GREAT litmus test for whether or not those are people you should keep hanging out with. if someone isn't able to not make sexual comments about you after you've asked them not to, kick 'em to the curb!

there are tons of people in all kinds of romantic relationships who aren't having sex. that's a perfectly fine and reasonable boundary to set. it can make things a little more complicated, sure, but dating and romance and love are all complicated and messy anyway. again, great way to VERY EFFICIENTLY weed out who is and isn't a suitable potential partner. (it's also fine to not want a partner, either; there's nothing wrong with being a sociable extrovert who doesn't want to have sex.)

there's nothing broken about you for being nervous about the idea of having sex. whether you identify as asexual or not, it's perfectly fine to feel that way. it's completely fine if you change your mind tomorrow or if you feel this way for the rest of your life. and you might! maybe sex will never sound awesome for you, and that's fine! again, tons of people living very good and happy lives every day without having sex! sex isn't a measure of maturity, but knowing yourself well enough to honor your own boundaries and desires is.

I hope a kinder attitude towards your own body can come with time, and I think it will. be gentle with yourself, alright? being 19 is very silly but unfortunately very necessary, and I think you'll really like what comes after if you let yourself relax a little. whatever you feel like right now, you're actually a very normal person, by which I of course mean you have a rich and brilliant mind and will do many quietly wonderful things in your life and will be deserving of every bit of love and joy that comes your way.

also, hey - have you ever seen a therapist about anxiety? I also should have done that when I was 19.

#sex edventures 2023

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bunnidid-reviews · 11 months

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is it frowned upon to wish that one could dissociate or have an alter take over in moments that are awful and stressful? genuine question

Hmmm, this blog is really more intended on reviewing and sharing media about complex dissociative disorders, or could easily be related to CDDs. Certainly not an advice blog for this or anything else > < I think any more general questions about DID can be forwarded to @sundropglass (main blog) if at all, just to stay on topic here.

But since you asked, I may as well share my perspective a little bit. I urge you to read it all.

Of course it's something anyone would want. Shut off and let the stress be taken care of for someone else? go off to fairyland a bit? It's actually an extremely sophisticated way of functioning in the midst of trauma; tuck it away, get through the thing that you might otherwise feel like you're dying from.

But where does that stress go?

Say that you had a very stressful day. Maybe one thing after another kept going wrong. And all day, there was absolutely nothing you could do because you had to carry on with a smile on your face and act like everything's fine, while more dismays pile on top of you. Maybe on top of that, you end up having an argument with a loved one and now you have social anxiety and no sense of safety or relief.

This is not out of the norm. People live very stressful lives all the time. It builds up though, all that stress is piled into your immune system if you don't have any release.(Expressing emotions in a healthy manner) It comes out in the ways that maybe you get ill, or spend all day in the bathroom, or get a migraine. This is what we call the body keeping the score (a book I should read tbh). What the mind doesnt handle(dissociates from), the body will.

This is what people with CDDs regularly go through. Trauma = stress that's beyond your range of coping. Chronic trauma means chronic stress, just stored away in pockets upon pockets where its never dealt with until much later in life. This is why I don't think I know a single system who doesn't have some sort of chronic health issues. The initial trauma may not have killed them, but maybe the health issues that come from all this chronic stress might just finish the job.

This isn't even addressing what the disorder implies mentally.

Look up the symptoms of PTSD, look into personality disorders, attachment disorders, anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation. Any trauma-based symptoms could come with a CDD, because there's nearly nothing special at all about DID or OSDD. They're not sectioned off 'incredible' disorders as much as media or people on the internet will imply. We are normal people who have been hurt. A lot.

We have this disorder because no one came to save us, so we had to turn to ourselves, sometimes at an extremely young age. There's no measuring the amount of hurt it takes for a young child to feel this alone.

Going off this ask alone, but because you wish you could dissociate to such the intensity as you're suggesting, tells me that you haven't actually. Daydreaming or spacing out is a very minor case of dissociation, but the level at which you're having alters would imply that you're hoping to dissociate much further than you actually think you want. Do you not want to recognize your own spouse, or be completely unable to be present in the best moments of your life? This doesn't shut off when you're happy again.

Say fine fine fine, yes yes yes to all of this, you could deal, because at least you'd be another person who would bear the responsibility for you.

I hate to tell you this, but that's not how alters work. They are, at the end of the day, still part of you. They don't magically whisk away all this stress they face, they'd still hold onto it, be strongly effected by it, and you're a lot more likely to have the same stress come back over and over again and go unprocessed because of the fragmentation involved.

If it's to ease off some of the responsibility of being yourself, then.. Well that's not what happens with DID either. Those of us with a CDD tend to feel overly responsible for everything around us, actually. It's not the escape you're hoping for.

In a short answer: Yes it is very believable to want this disorder, to want alters. That's understandable even!

But I'm also going to say this is frowned upon. There is a LOT more to these disorders than some spacing out and some cool characters. I hope you can understand a little more why this mentality is frowned upon; no one who has it actually wants it when it comes down to it

BUT i HAVE GOOD NEWS FOR YOU ANON!! Please listen

It's okay to want to be someone else to get through the stress. It's even okay to turn off your brain and space out. These are natural human things. Just.. They don't have to be a disorder. There are some recommendations for coping that aren't hoping to have a CDD, but might suit you if you struggle with this:

Try to analyze your life and see what it is that's causing you so much stress that it makes you want to not exist in such a way. If you're in a bad environment that you can't change, there are still little things you can do to make it better for yourself

Are there things you CAN change? Maybe you can look into getting professional help or finding a new job, or even so much as regularly tidying up the space you're in

Look up coping mechinisms and grounding techniques

Take breaks and let yourself really unwind. Read a book or go outside and look at clouds or something until you feel calm. I promise this feels way better than dissociation

Fun Coping Tools That Feel Like What You Want Out Of Dee Eye Dee:

create a story in your head. If you come up with a world all your own to explore, it feels like having an inner world

Create original characters you can "be". By this I mean be imaginative like when we were all kids. >>Here's a really cool version of what adults can do if 'playing pretend' seems too childish for you<<

Have some staring out a window time. Just let your mind go for a bit

None of this has to be disordered to be helpful, and have nearly the same effect that you're hoping for.

If you are at a point where you want to not exist for suicidal reasons, I really urge you to get some help. There's always someone who wants you to be around, even if thats some time in the future.

#askies #dissociative identity disorder #why yes I did word vomit on this sorry! I have some feelings about it #I think my blog does a not so great job at showing the harder parts of DID becauseeeee Iiiii am reviewing media thats not always accurate #I want people with CDDs to feel less alone in representation but it is far from wanting others to have the disorder bc its fun #actuallydid

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dinas-a-bird · 1 year

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Heyyyy could you write Ellie x fem reader. Reader has an alcohol addiction and Ellie takes her to her first AA meeting? Ive been sober for a year today and its been rough and Ellie being a supportive gf is all anyone really wants :) if you dont feel comfortable writing it I fully understand

thank youuu :)

I'm really proud of you for being sober for one year thats amazing!!! I've struggled with addiction myself so I get how hard even getting to one year is. This ones for you my lovely anon 🥰

Breaking the Chain

Pairing: Ellie Williams x fem!reader

Warnings: alcoholism, addiction, fluff, Ellie being a good gf, modern AU

Summary: Ellie takes you to AA

Word Count: 784

A/N: Sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes, thank you anon for the request!

Ellie and you had been dating for roughly three years, and you had just moved in together last week. Ellie knew that you enjoyed a drink or two, during dinner, parties, or just when relaxing, but it wasn't until you started living together that she realized how much you relied on alcohol to cope with stress and anxiety.

Ellie started to worry about your drinking quickly, so she brought it up with you. At first, you were defensive and dismissive, saying that you had everything under control. But it soon became clear that you didn't.

One night, you came home late from work, clearly drunk. Stumbling through the kitchen, knocking over a chair, you went to hug your girlfriend, Ellie could smell the alcohol on your breath.

She’s had enough.

"We need to talk," she says, pushing you off of her.

You sigh, clumsily picking up the collapsed chair and sitting down. "I know," you said. "I've been trying to quit, but it's harder than I imagined."

Ellie kneels down in front of you. "I'm here for you," she softly rests her hand on your knee. "We can do this together."

You hang your head. "I want to quit," you whisper. "I really do. But every time I try, I end up drinking again."

Ellie sees a tear fall from your eye. She knows that you're struggling, and she wants to help.

"Have you ever thought about going to Alcoholics Anonymous?" she asks.

You look up at her skeptically. "I don't know about that," you say. "I don't want to be one of those people who go to meetings all the time."

She lightly rubs your knee, "It's worth a try," she says. "It's a safe space where you can talk about your struggles and get support from people who understand what you're going through."

You think about it for a moment. "Okay," you finally say. "I'll go to one meeting with you, but that's it."

Ellie smiles. "That's all I'm asking for.”

The next week, you and Ellie head off to your first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting together. As you walk into the small, dimly lit room, you feel your nerves building. You don’t know what to expect, and you weren't sure if you were ready to open up about your struggles with addiction.

The group leader welcomes everyone and explains how the meeting is going to work. Then, she invites the attendees to introduce themselves and share their stories.

One by one, people stand up and talk about their experiences. Some had been sober for years, while others were new to the program. You listened carefully, feeling a sense of belonging with the other attendees.

When it is your turn to speak, you stand up slowly, taking a deep breath and looking around the room. "Hi, my name is y/n, and I'm an alcoholic.”

The words feel heavy in your mouth, but you managed to push through. “I have been drinking for as long as I can remember.” you take a deep breath before continuing. “It started with a few drinks after work, just to take the edge off. But before I knew it the few drinks after work turned into a few drinks too many, and then I couldn’t get through the day without the alcohol.”

Looking to your left you see Ellie with a sad smile on her face, she reaches up and takes your hand. You smile down at her before continuing. “I have tried to quit on my own… although it never lasted long… The cravings would come back, stronger and I would give in, telling myself that just… one more drink wouldn’t hurt.” Ellie softly squeezes your hand. “But it did hurt, not only me but my girlfriend. She would come home to me drunk on the couch and I could see the pain she held as she watched me slowly disappear due to my addiction.” Swallowing the lump in your throat you look down at your feet, “They say the first step is realizing you have a problem… I have a problem… and I want to try to get sober”

When the meeting was over, Ellie and you stayed behind to chat with some of the other attendees. You exchanged phone numbers and email addresses, you even found a sponsor, a guy named Jesse.

As you walk out of the meeting with Ellie, you feel a weight lifting off your shoulders. You turn to Ellie, "I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad we went to that meeting together.”

Ellie smiles softly, giving you a kiss. "I'm proud of you," she leans into your side. "And I'm here for you every step of the way."

#ellie williams x y/n #ellie williams x reader #ellie fluff #ellie williams #ellie tlou2 #nice ellie williams #ellie williams x female y/n #ellie williams x female reader #female reader #reader insert #female y/n #y/n #alcohol #alcoholism #sobriety #addiction #addict in recovery #dinas-a-bird

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onwriting-hrarby · 11 months

Text

some updates

hello everyone! i hope you're fine and enjoying the last month of spring. as for us, this may-june reminds me of the pandemic, in which it rained until mid-june. it's nice, though, since we're in a very dry season with water restrictions. i had missed rain, somehow.

twitter/fandom

some of you have noticed that i'm not on twitter anymore. i tried it again, but i don't think it was worth it. although i'm convinced my harasser(s) is subscribed to me on ao3 and checks my tumblr regularly (for i hadn't announced "for you" on twitter when i received hate comments) twitter was, again, giving me anxiety. also, when i decided not to be on fandom, i had begun finding twitter boring, because i didn't want to interact there a lot. it's strange to craft a tl anew, again, and overall, i reiterate, i think i'm happier just writing my own headcanons with no influence of fandom. i should have told 2021 hera this, as she was convinced that being in twitter was "the move" to do.

anyways, i'm fine. i love experiencing fandom as a little guilty pleasure, something more private and fun. it makes me less afraid, too: i had been wanting to write "for you" since i first began liking aot, but i was always afraid of what the fandom would say. such a lot of time lost, and now i'm writing it knowing that the aot haze is somehow passing by.

liquid confidence

i am feeling a little bit discouraged with this story. i didn't like some of the comments i received, and it made me doubt whereas i was doing a good job. somehow, since i was very stressed and didn't have time to write, all the scenes and dialogue and sentences i had in my head dissipated before i could even write them. on monday, i decided to come back at it again, but as for now, i'm slowly, slowly making progress (that means, i haven't written since monday). not being in twitter/having lots of fandom experiences doesn't make me rush, either. i'm not particularly worried that it's been a month since i updated. i want to do a good job, and i'm just not in the mood, right now. maybe i need to watch a romantic movie, or listen to taylor swift non-stop.

i thank all of you who had commented and liked the story (i will always be surprised, though, at the ratio kudos-hits) and i hope i can upload soon.

for you

damn, this was a bittersweet feeling. the most comments i received were from anon haters (and they kept on pushing that the fic was a failure). i'm not writing rivamika for numbers, so i don't really care, and i also think this fandom is very committed to their ship in ways that i'm not committed to ships anymore, so i trust that when people read the first chapter (which is fully levi/mikasa) they will like the story more. i have also resigned myself to receive anon hate whatever i do, so i don't particularly care about it anymore: that's why i have opened the comments to guests, too (always moderated). i'm sorry that people might see the hate comments, but i have to accept them in order to report them to ao3 for abuse.

i think i found two of the harassers in twitter, though. i'm not sure. they can rot in hell, and i know they will follow and comment everything i do. if that's the way they want to pass on time... they are sad people.

that being said, for you is progressing slowly, too. i'm sorry, because i really like writing it.

own writing

i've owned that if i want to be a published author i need to get rid of insecurity. i've slowly been doing this since the year started ("not giving a fuck"), yet sometimes the self-pressure takes over me.

i am turning "instead they said" in an original story, so this is taking quite a lot of time. i am also writing my new novel. i also revised the other novel i had in my drawer, and i think i want it to send it somewhere.

i hope we can read each other soon.

hera signing off.

#eremika #rivamika #fanfiction #attack on titan

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a-small-batch-of-dragons · 1 year

Text

Awareness

Prompts: This isn’t really a prompt more like headcanon that I thought would be cool. Soooo take this and use it as you please or just leave it, whatever strikes your fancy:) Basically instead of Virgil being a dark side before anxiety, anxiety is his dark side. Before he was anxiety he was instead some kind of awareness or watchfulness (either a gray or light side). After the mindscape split or king spilt or some traumatic past event happened Virgil freaked out becoming anxiety. And now as his make up gets lighter he is reverting back to who he was before. Except no one knows who he used to be, thinking anxiety was just created after the past traumatic event. Anyway, you’re awesome! You’re such a talented writer and I’m glad I stumbled upon your account <3 - anon

Heyo! So, I really wanted to share a headcannon that I think is truly wonderful. Y'know how lots of people stand behind the spider!Virgil headcanon??? Well what if all he has are the hidden eyes and the ability to stick to surfaces. Like, he gets spooked and BAM! He's on the wall, or maybe on the ceiling! It has proba ly scare each side a couple times? I thought I would be really cool! - artwithtoto

Heyo. I don't know if you're taking anprompts anymore, but if you are, I have one for you. {Virgil being a mother hen to the other Sides in small ways and helping them with their anxieties, and overall taking care of the otherSides, then maybe they take care of him.} I thought it would be super cute. :) Thanks for your time. - anon

Read on Ao3

Warnings: none

Pairings: gen

Word Count: 3015

There are a few things that people take for granted when it comes to Anxiety. For one, it actually is a healthy amount of anxiety and stress that keeps you alive; fear of death, helps, ties into that whole self-preservation thing Janus is always talking about. Keeps you aware of things too, like deadlines, other people, just a general hey, we exist in a way that has to interact with a bunch of other things, let’s maybe be sensible about it.

Now, of course, everything in moderation. Too much Anxiety is bad. But, as they’ve discovered, not any at all is also bad.

Something that the Sides in particular seem to forget is that Virgil’s tied to the general Anxiety in the Mindscape too. That means that when one of them gets scared or starts freaking out about something, whoops, he gets summoned. Most of the time this is fine, odds are they’re having a nightmare or stressing about some project—which is his job, thank you, no stealing his thunder—and he can just get them out of it and sort everything out as much as possible before they both go their separate ways and someone gets some sleep.

Sometimes it’s a bit more than that.

Virgil appears outside of Patton’s door one morning. Well, technically it’s morning. He shakes himself off and looks around, orienting himself at this end of the hallway before shaking his head and knocking lightly on the door.

“Hey, Pat? You in there?”

No response.

“Patton, I know I got summoned here for a reason, you gonna open the door?”

When silence comes again, Virgil frowns and reaches out to test the knob. His frown deepens when it gives right away and the door swings open with a low creak.

“Hey, Patton? You okay?”

He glances around, squinting in the darkness, trying to figure out where Patton might be, when he spots the closet door ajar and a pile of clothes outside. He steps a bit closer and the pile shudders.

“Pop Star? That you?”

“V-Virgil?”

“Yeah, sweetheart, it’s me.” Virgil closes the door gently and crouches, shuffling over to sit next to him on the floor. “What’s going on?”

“It’s silly.”

“You’re upset, that’s not silly.”

Patton’s face—no glasses, he must’ve just woken up—turns and stares at him, small bits of his face a tad shinier than others. Virgil lets out a soft noise and reaches out to brush the tears away.

“Hey,” he murmurs, wrapping his arms around him, “hey, let’s get you back in bed, okay? Come on, up we go…”

He scoops the little ball of Patton into his arms and carries him back over to the bed, tucking him in and sitting on the edge.

“What scared you?”

“The…the dark.” Patton glances over his shoulder. “Monsters in the closet.”

“You need me to check?”

“Don’t—“ he grabs his sleeve— “they’ll get you too.”

“What if I stay? Keep watch for you?”

“But you need to sleep too.”

“I’ll sleep here.” Virgil lies down next to him as Patton pulls back the covers, immediately snapping himself into something softer. “Yeah? This okay?”

“…thank you.”

“Hey, it’s okay, Pop Star. Whatever scares you scares you. You don’t have to be ashamed of it.”

Patton smiles, turning over to snuggle into the blankets. Virgil keeps one eye on the closet and one on him as they drift off to sleep.

Virgil’s yanked abruptly through the ceiling to sprawl on Logan’s bed, wincing when the sharp spiral of a notebook digs into his ribs. “Ow.”

“Virgil? What are you doing here?”

“You tell me, Specs. I was minding my own business scrolling through the Internet and then poof, I’m here.”

As he says that, though, he looks up and realizes the reason Logan’s got notebooks strewn on top of his bed is that his desk is an absolute nightmare. Papers piled up haphazardly, there’s at least three different water bottles he can see, and the desktop of his computer is littered with too many icons.

“…you know what, nevermind, I know why I’m here.”

Logan sighs, adjusting his glasses. “I certainly don’t. If you could explain it—“

“C’mon, Specs. You know better.”

“I’m not in the mood for any riddles, Virgil, if you could let me get back to work—“

“That’s strike one.”

“Strike one—this isn’t baseball, Virgil, I have several projects I have to—“

“Strike two. C’mon, L, just come over here.”

“…Virgil, I can’t, I have to get these finished. The second draft is due this Friday, I have to give Roman time to—hey!”

“Strike three.” Virgil adjusts his grip on the squirming nerd as he pulls him away from his desk, wrapping his arms around him to prevent any escape. “Stop fighting me. You’re not going to win.”

“Let me go, I need to—“

“You need to stop stressing out about this, that’s what you need to do. Oh, for—L, stop.”

Logan stops, mouth forming a tight line as Virgil rests his chin on his shoulder. After a few more moments of being tightly restrained—or properly cuddled, as Remus likes to call it—he lets out a long breath and sags against Virgil’s chest.

“Hey, L,” Virgil says quietly, “you need to take a break. You’re gonna work yourself up and then nothing’s gonna get done.”

“…I know.”

“Come on, snack time. What do you want? We got crackers, we got fruit, I’m pretty sure there’re some pretzels left too, if Remus hasn’t eaten all of them.”

“Pretzels sound good.”

“Great. Come walk with me.”

“Thank you,” Logan mumbles as Virgil moves him gently out of the door, “for checking.”

“That’s my job!”

“If you could just—“

“Nope.”

“But I want to—“

“Nope.”

“Virgil, this is ridiculous, I am clearly capable of—“

“No, you’re not.”

“Well, if you could let me go—“

“Nah.”

“You’re not being fair.”

“Mm. Nope.”

“Oh, after all the conversations we’ve had about hearing each other out, did you just decide that no longer applies to you?”

“Not when it comes to you neglecting your health.”

“Neglecting my—bitch, I am the only one who practices regular self-care around here.”

“Which means you know better.”

“Just let me go—“

“You take that thermometer over there and if it tells me you’re within normal limits, I’ll let you up.”

“Fine, fine. Then will you let me go?”

“If that thing says you’re within normal limits, yeah, I’ll let you go.”

“…fine.”

“What’s it say?”

“…I’m still too cold.”

“Mhm. So get your snake ass comfortable ‘cause I’m not letting you up until you can feel all your scales again.”

“I hate you.”

“Liar.”

“…yeah, maybe.”

“Shh, snake-face. Just go to sleep. You’ll feel better when you wake up.”

“Thanks.”

“I’ll kick your ass into taking care of it too, don’t you worry.”

“I wasn’t.”

“Sure.”

“I wasn’t!”

“You should be sleeping.”

Most of the time, Virgil’s normal Side-like appearance is what gives the others the most comfort. They all look pretty much the same, give or take a few things, and it’s a sense of, well, normalcy. It’s not unexpected, it’s not jarring, it’s not going to give them something else to be worried about.

With Remus, though…

Remus is a tricky little stinker. He’s simultaneously one of the most difficult Sides to interact with and he’s much smarter than he lets on, which means that if you’re having a problem that you can’t quite put the words to, he’s gonna be able to put the words to it and then you’ll have to confront it.

Blessing and a curse.

Of course, Remus also has his side of the Imagination to wrestle with and it can get a little…tempestuous. Monsters, ghouls, all the intrusive thought gremlins that make absolute nuisances of themselves and only Remus by and large can deal with them. This means that his understanding of…well, what happens outside of the Imagination is a bit different than everyone else’s.

So sometimes Virgil gets little pings from Remus when he feels like he’s too much of a freak for the rest of them and that just won’t do.

Now, Virgil does not make a habit of scaring the other Sides—unless it’s Halloween. This does mean that there are certain parts of him that he doesn’t get to show very often.

All the Sides, contrary to popular belief, do have some animal-like tendencies. It’s just that the Dark Sides are the ones who show it off more. Remus has his octopus-like and squid-like moments, some Kraken moments in there too, Janus is just a snake—with extra arms because…sure—and Virgil’s a spider.

Pausing for gasps of shock…

It’s not like he grows a bunch of extra legs, or massive fangs that sprout out of his mouth, although those would be cool. No, he just sticks to walls and has a bunch of extra eyes.

Spiderman would be much more interesting if he had more eyes. Just saying.

So when he gets summoned to Remus’s room and finds him mumbling to himself about freaks and monsters and sounding eerily similar to a certain chaos Dorito, he climbs up into a corner of the wall and waits.

“Who’s there?” Remus’s head whips around. “If that’s one of you, I told you you’re not allowed in here right now. I have shit to do.”

Virgil chitters quietly. Remus’s head swings back and forth.

“I’m not kidding,” he says again, voice getting higher, “come out now and I’ll take you back home. I’m busy.”

The shriek he gets when Virgil pounces on him from the ceiling is priceless, as is the scrunched-up face and little pout he gets when he realizes who it is.

“Emo,” he whines, smacking Virgil’s chest, “you scared me!”

“Sure did, little octopus. You gotta be quicker than that.”

“You snuck into my room!”

“Got summoned, actually.” He gives him a mock stern look with eight eyes. “Your voices being mean to you again?”

“…maybe.”

“I’m here to tell them to fuck off. You wanna help?”

Remus nods and a few of his tentacles curl out of his back. Virgil nods approvingly and drags Remus up into his lap, wrapping his arms around him and squeezing him tight.

“I want you,” he mumbles, “I want you a lot. You’re a good bro.”

“Don’t let Roman hear you say that.”

“You’re both good.”

“I gotcha, little octopus, you just stay right here with me.”

Whoever decided that the creativitwins—he saw it online, it slaps, he’s stealing it—get the most rational fears is a piece of shit. He’ll say it.

There’s only so much you can do for people who are really, really scared. You can’t just talk them out of it, you can’t just cuddle it away, you’ve really just got to rely on them to ask for when they need help and what exactly they need you to do for them.

In case this has escaped your notice, Roman is really bad at this.

This does mean that whenever it gets bad enough for Virgil to actually get summoned, it’s really fucking bad.

So when Virgil appears in Roman’s room, he’s already swallowing back a curse at the sight of their brave prince, sitting in a heap on the floor, tears streaming down his face.

“Hey, Princey,” he murmurs, crouching down and reaching out for Roman’s hands, “can you look at me?”

Roman blinks and looks up, sniffling.

“You scared right now?”

“Mhm.”

“Okay. Thank you for telling me. Can I help?”

He sniffles again, squeezing Virgil’s hands weakly.

“That a yes, bud? Yeah? Okay. I’m gonna come sit with you. You just keep looking at me, okay? Nowhere, else, just at me. J gave me a new eyeshadow palette, you have a look and tell me what you think of the pigment. Personally, I think it’s a little too desaturated for me, but you’re the color expert.”

As he talks, he carefully loops Roman’s arms around his neck, easing himself to the ground and reaching to resettle Roman’s limbs to prevent any cramps or stiffness.

“I don’t think my undertones are quite right for it either. I was talking to Remus the other day about eyeliner and really, I think my eyes water too much. I’m all for the disheveled-haven’t-slept-in-a-week eye bags, but I’m not trying to go full Winter Soldier here.”

A tiny laugh. He smiles, reaching out to cup Roman’s face in his hands, tugging them a little closer.

“Hey,” he says again, brushing away some of the tears. “You’re doing great, okay? Just keep looking at me.”

Roman’s fingers twitch and he takes a shaky breath. “’S a lot.”

“Everything’s a lot right now? That’s okay, Princey, you don’t have to deal with it all right now. I know it’s overwhelming and scary, we’re here for you, remember?”

Roman shakes his head. “’S a lot of eyeshadow.”

Virgil gasps, gently tugging his hair. “How dare you?”

It’s worth it for the watery giggle he gets in return.

“Unbelievable,” he says, half-scolding, half-complimenting, “you are absolutely unbelievable.”

“Mhm.”

“You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

“…no?”

“Nah, Princey,” he murmurs, leaning forward to rest their foreheads together, “you’re stuck with us. We’re not going anywhere.”

+1.

“Hey, Virgil?”

Virgil lets his head lean over the arm of the couch. “What’s up?”

“Your—your eyeshadow. It’s purple.”

“Is it?” He touches his face. “Huh. Didn’t know that was coming back.”

Logan’s book thuds as it closes. “Coming…back?”

“Well, yeah. It hasn’t been like that since…oh, before the Split.”

He glances around as all other sounds in the living room come to a stop.

“What?”

“Your eyeshadow was purple before the Split?” Patton sits up. “Why did it change?”

“Uhh...did you guys not also change when the Split happened?”

“I don’t remember shit from before the Split,” Remus announces proudly as Roman rolls his eyes, “and neither does Ro!”

Roman just wraps his arms tightly around Remus and pulls him closer, setting his chin on his shoulder. “I’m just gonna hang onto this.”

Janus sighs as the twins start playfully pushing each other, turning back to Virgil. “I don’t remember changing, as such, no. Just…becoming me.”

“How is that not changing?”

“In a manner of speaking, are we not all always changing?”

“Okay, that’s enough of that philosophy book,” Logan mumbles, taking it from Janus’s hands, “but I have to agree. I do not remember any significant difference with myself before and after the Split.”

Virgil’s hands pause. “…oh.”

“Kiddo? Did you?”

“Well…yeah. My—my whole thing changed?”

The twins stop too. “What do you mean ‘your whole thing?’” Roman sits up. “Like, your role?”

“I wasn’t always Anxiety.”

You could hear a pin drop.

“…I thought you guys knew that?” They all shake their heads. “No, I—I used to just be Awareness. Then the Split happened and everybody freaked out and I…”

…changed.

“Whoa, hey.” Remus is suddenly right there. “Hey, Emo, it’s okay. You’re okay. It’s gonna be okay.”

Yeah, yeah, of course it is. Why is Remus talking like that?

“Shh, little one—“ oh, hey Logan, “we’re right here. We still care for you, no matter what your role is.”

Oh. Oh, shit, he hasn’t freaked out about this in a while.

“Probably because you haven’t had to think about it.”

Thanks, J.

“You need a cuddle?” Virgil opens his arms and something Patton-shaped fills it. “Hey, kiddo, it’s okay.”

Well, now that he’s realized he’s freaking out, he starts freaking out properly. Sobbing, snotty mess, all over Patton’s shirt. How embarrassing.

“Don’t be ashamed of needing help,” Roman chides like a hypocrite, which he immediately acknowledges, “don’t be like me and wait until it’s too much to deal with.”

“It’s our turn to take care of you.” Remus ruffles his hair and carefully puts him in Patton’s lap. “You just be a little mess right now, okay?”

“Remus, that’s rude.”

“What? Not all of us can look like tragic heroes when we have breakdowns, Roro.”

“It is unfair how easily you do that.”

“Just let Virge be all messy. He can have a little mess, as a treat.”

Leave it to them to make him laugh when he’s trying to have a breakdown. He buries his head in Patton’s shoulder and yeah, he’s just gonna stay here for a while.

General Taglist: @frxgprince@potereregina@gattonero17@iamhereforthegayshit@thefingergunsgirl@awkwardandanxiousfander@creative-lampd-liberties@djpurple3@winterswrandomness@sanders-sides-uncorrect-quotes@iminyourfandom@bullet-tothefeels@full-of-roman-angst-trash @ask-elsalvador @ramdomthingsfrommymind@demoniccheese83@pattonsandershugs @el-does-photography @princeanxious@firefinch-ember@fandomssaremysoul@im-an-anxious-wreck@crazy-multifandomfangirl @punk-academian-witch@enby-ralsei@unicornssunflowersandstuff@wildhorsewolf @thetruthaboutthesun @stubbornness-and-spite @princedarkandstormv @your-local-fookin-deadmeme @angels-and-dreams@averykedavra @a-ghostlight-for-roman @treasurechestininterweb @cricketanne @queerly-fluid-fan @compactdiscdraws@cecil-but-gayer@i-am-overly-complicated@annytheseal@alias290@tranquil-space-ninja @arxticandy @mychemically-imbalanced-romance @whyiask@crows-ace @emilythezeldafan@frida0043 @ieatspinalcords @snowyfires@cyanide-violence@oonagh2@xxpanic-at-the-everywherexx@rabbitsartcorner @percy-07734@triflingassailantofmyemotions @virgil-sanders-the-gay-emo@cerulean-watermelon@puffed-up-bees@meltheromanstan@joyrose-fandomer@insanitori@mavenmush@justablah65@10paradox10@uhhh-hi-there-i-am-nervous@cutebisexualmess@bella-bugatti-frogetti-baguetti

If you want to be added/taken off the taglist, let me know!

#dragonbabbles #sanders sides #fic #virgil sanders #roman sanders #remus sanders #sympathetic remus #janus sanders #deceit sanders #sympathetic deceit #patton sanders #logan sanders

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