#I know this isnt everything but I got so fucking tired of this movie lol
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Josie and the Pussycats (2001) | Costume Design by Leesa Evans
#Josie and the Pussycats#I know this isnt everything but I got so fucking tired of this movie lol#costumeedit#costumesource#costume design#moviegifs#filmgifs#filmedit#filmdaily#tvandfilmdaily#dailytvfilmgifs#cinemapix#doyouevenfilm#fyeahmovies#dailyflicks#moviehub#filmcentral#junkfooddaily#gif#mine#made by me#photoset#gifs#gifset
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Not as Terrible (Rafe Cameron X Routledge!Reader)
Warnings:Not proof read, swearing
Being John.B’s older sister was definitely and adventure.You were only older by a year but that one year age gap did a lot for you.Whether it was arguments or discussions on who would do a dangerous task you could always pull the older sibling card.
Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didnt but it was always worth a shot.But then again being the older sibling and John.B’s only family meant that you had other responsibilities,including messing up anyone that messed with him.
Rafe kissed you gently, a grin on his face. “I love you.”He grinned,hands in your hoodie pocket. “I know.I gotta go soon,JB’s gonna get made at me.”His face fell,pouting. “He shouldnt be your responsibility.”He grumbled,holding you tight.
You simply shrugged, not wanting to go through your life story and how it was now your job to take care of him.He could never understand the situation, he didnt really give a damn about Sarah.He also had a father, a shitty one for sure but he still had a father at least.He couldnt understand being a pogue either.
You guys were completely different in pretty much every way imaginable but ‘opposites attract’ or whatever bullshit. “I know….I’ll see you tomorrow though, right?”You asked,sitting up.He nodded,pulling you into another quick kiss before kissing your forehead lightly.
“Dont forget to hate me.”You reminded him,opening his window and sliding down the fire escape,feeling his eyes on you as you hopped the fence.He sighed, becoming tired of the little game you guys had to play.
Because Rafe was the direct enemy of your brother and his friends that meant that you were supposed to avoid him entirely.It was just the rules of life.But that being said if you ever came across one of your brothers enemies you had to mess with them.
That included messing with Rafe,randomly showing up and flicking the back of his head,disappearing before he knew it was you.It started as you being an annoying presence to ruin his day,spitting gum onto his windshield or placing fake tickets on his car.
But slowly you started falling in love with him because of course you did.It was fucked up but you couldnt stop it, him eventually falling for you too.Thats when this little game began, sneaking out of your house and over to Rafe’s to cuddle and watch movies together,coming home late at night when John.B and his friends were having a fire.
JJ would pull you onto his lap, asking where you had been.He had a thing for you, claiming that it would be fine if the two of you guys got together because you were only eight months older than him so it wasnt that strange.
The age gap itself wasnt strange, it was the fact that he was your brother’s best friend for the last eight years that made things strange.You were fine with sitting in his lap while he whispered jokes into your ear in attempts to get you to laugh.
Of course it felt a little wrong because you were dating Rafe but you couldnt exactly tell him that without John.B finding out too, instead just letting JJ mess around with you because you knew nothing was going to come from it.
The next day you were decided to go with them to the beach, regretting it when you saw Rafe with Topper and Kelce, sitting in beach chairs with beer bottles in their hands.You saw JJ’s jaw clench, John.B rolling his eyes.
“Why are they here?This isnt fair.”You brother grumbled, Pope nodding in agreement.The five of you decided to sit in the sand for a while,JJ’s hand on your knee almost like he was trying to protect you from Rafe’s eyes.If only he knew.Rafe kept looking over to you, a blush on his cheeks as he did so.
Eventually they left, leaving you and your brothers friends alone on the beach. “You know, I think im just gonna head back home.I have a headache.”You told them, making your way up the sandy hills before they could question it.As you began your walk down one of the dirt streets to get back to the house a bike pulled up next to you, your boyfriend being the one riding it.
“Hey pretty girl.”You could practically hear the smile through his helmet.You sighed, stopping your walk to stare at him as he took off his helmet,leaning down to give you a quick kiss. “You coming to my house tonight?”He asked, twisting the fabric of your tshirt.
You shrugged, not sure what your brother was going to be doing. “I dont know if I can, John.B and the others might want me to go get groceries with them or something.”You replied,feeling his grip on you tighten,humming. “I havent messed with them in a while.”He muttered, glad when you smiled.
“Thats good, I would have beat your ass if you did.”You teased with a roll of your eyes. He chuckled,kissing your forehead. “I would've liked it though.”He admitted.You laughed,smacking his arm lightly. “Shut up.”You grumbled, unaware of JJ watching you guys.
“Is he bothering you?”JJ asked, coming out from his hiding spot in the trees.Your eyes widened, your stomach tightening.Shit. “Uh...no, everythings fine, JJ.Just go back to the beach.”You told him,hoping you didnt sound too suspicious.His blue eyes fell to your hand, the one that was holding Rafe’s.Fuck.
“Is something going on that I should know about?”He asked,glaring at Rafe like he was trying to make his head blow up. “No, just go back to the beach.”You told him, a sort of assertive tone to your voice that was reserved for John.B when he wanted to do something dangerous.JJ’s eyebrows furrowed, not used to you speaking to him like this.
He nodded,walking away, sending you a look of disappointment before disappearing into the trees, most likely about to tell John.B what he had just seen.Rafe noticed how uneasy you were,hugging you. “Hey, dont stress about it.He’s got nothing on you, whats he gonna do?Complain that we were having a conversation?”He asked, not really helping.
“So I just saw (Y/N) talking to Rafe.”JJ grabbed a beer from the cooler, all eyes falling on him. “Cameron?”John.B asked, not really believing that you’d ever talk to such a vile human being.JJ nodded,sipping the alcoholic drink.
“They were all over eachother, it was weird.”He grumbled, a slight jealousy in his voice.Kiara raised her eyebrows, a little mad about the situation. “What do you mean they were all over eachother?”She asked, looking over to Pope.
“I mean they were holding hands and shit,giggling and he was like,I dont know.Its weird.”He tried his best to explain,realising it didnt sound as serious as it was. “(Y/N) doesnt giggle...she just...she just stares at people.Are you sure it was Rafe?”Pope asked.This was out of character for you.You had joined their conversations before, all of you talking shit about the Cameron family.
You had called Rafe a “Cruel, disgusting bitch.” it didnt make sense that you’d willingly talk to him.Meanwhile you were on the back of Rafe’s bike,arms wrapped around him tight as he pulled into his driveway, trying to figure out the best way to sneak you inside.
You ended up being hidden by him as you guys shuffled up the stairs, nearly getting caught by Ward.Luckily he was too busy on a call, not paying attention at all as Rafe pushed you inside his room, locking the door with a sigh. “What do you wanna watch?”He asked,falling on the bed next to you, grabbing the tv remote.
You shrugged,wrapping an arm around him with your head against his chest. “Doesnt matter.”You replied, watching as he picked a random horror movie,knowing that hed probably end up squealing and holding onto you.Your phone dinged, vibrating against your thigh.
You sighed,picking it up to check what someone could want or why they were trying to talk to you.It was a text from Kie, asking why the hell you were at Rafe Cameron’s house.There was no way in hell she actually knew that, she was probably just guessing.You sat up,taking Rafe with you, his chin on your shoulder and a frown on his face.
You:????
Kie:Your snap map is on.What are you doing with Rafe?
You:Im not with Rafe
Kie:Seriously like are you ok
You:Im fine lol
Kie:But why are you with Rafe?
You sighed,turning to look at the kook king. “What should I tell her?”You asked, unsure what to do.If you told her that you in Rafe were dating then she would obviously tell John.B and that meant that you would be in deep shit and would never hear the end of it.He sighed,kissing your shoulder lightly.
“I dunno, baby.Tell her whatever you feel comfortable telling her.”That wasnt really helpful.You couldnt exactly lie to her.There was no other reason that you’d be at the Cameron’s mansion if it werent for Rafe.You hated Sarah because Kiara hated Sarah so you couldnt exactly use that excuse either.You were anxious the whole time you typed, praying that she wouldnt tell the others.
You:Can you keep a secret?
Kie:Yeah
You:What would you do if I told you I was dating Rafe?
Kie:You dumb idiot
Kie:Rafe??Really?Out of all people?
Kie:Hoe you could do better
Kie:So like youre cool with him hitting JJ and Pope?
Kie:Shit you need to tell JJ
You sighed,biting the inside of your cheek. “Why do you need to tell JJ?”Rafe asked,curious.You groaned,leaning against him. “He’s got a thing for me.”You explained, hoping you hadnt made him feel insecure.
You:He’s nice to me,ok?Plus he hasnt beat anyone in months and im happy and I just need you to not say anything
You waited for an answer, only seeing a ‘read’ receipt. “Shit.”You sighed, realizing that you had probably made the wrong decision by telling her about your relationship. “What?”He asked, not understanding exactly what had happened.
“Watch her tell everyone.”You tossed your phone down onto the blanket, laying on top of your boyfriend. “It wouldnt be so bad,would it?”He asked, knowing that you were probably embarrassed to be with him. “I just...you know how they feel about you.”you reminded him, hearing him sigh.
“I know.”He replied as he rubbed small circles along your stomach. “Im trying to change though.”He muttered, pressing a kiss to your neck.You nodded, understanding. “I know you are but they dont.”You grumbled,your leg resting at his hip as he continued leaving kisses down your neck.
You didnt leave until four in the morning, staying up with him the whole night.Ward and Rose had gone out on a date, leaving the two of you with his house to yourselves.You sat on the kitchen counter,your legs around his waist as you shared a pint of icecream.
“This is the expensive kind.”You noticed,coming across brownie chunks and bits of chocolate truffle.He smiled, nodding. “Yep, its just kook life I guess.”He replied, not really caring. “This shit is like...ten dollars a pint.”He only laughed, not understanding how you hadnt grown up with the same things he had.
He just couldnt wrap his head around the fact that not everyone was like him.You couldnt exactly blame him, he had been isolated most of his childhood and if he wasnt by himself he was surrounded by kooks.
“You can go to the grocery store with me next week if you want.We can get all the expensive icecream you want...maybe we can get some for John.B too, you know, to win him over.”He explained his idea.You shrugged, not sure how to feel.
“You dont even do your own grocery shopping, remember?”You asked, seeing him roll his eyes. “I’ll go grocery shopping for you, baby.We can get cookie dough and mix it into brownie batter.”He continued,scooping another spoonful of icecream.You bit the inside of your cheek, thinking about it.It sounded fun but most grocery stores wouldnt be open at the times you were with Rafe.
“I gotta go, i’ll see you tomorrow though.”You promised,kissing him quickly.He backed away to let you slide off the counter, putting your phone in your pocket. He tugged at your t shirt, bringing you close to him so he could place a kiss on your lips, enjoying the feeling that he knew he wouldnt feel for a day at least.
He knew that the second you left his happiness would leave with you, making his mood a bit dull as he hugged you.“Do you want icecream to go?”He offered.You were quick to shake your head, leaving quick so you could get home.He pouted, wishing you two could be together more often.
You tip toed into the house,turning on your bedroom light only to see The Pogues all sitting in there, staring at the door. “Rafe Cameron?”John.B asked, sitting up on your bed.You sighed, sitting down.
“Really,Kie?”You asked, looking over to the brunette. “JJ took my phone!”She exclaimed, making your eyes travel to JJ. “Are you serious?”You asked the blonde, noticing him pouting.
“I thought he should know.”He muttered.Pope just seemed mad. “How long has this been going on?”Your brother asked, glaring at you. “Im not doing this right now.”You shook your head, going to leave the room when he grabbed your wrist.
“(Y/N).What would dad think?”He asked.You scoffed, unable to believe that he went there. “Dad would want me to be happy, unlike you.He hasnt bothered you guys in months!Cant you see that he’s changed?”You asked,all of them avoiding eye contact.
“No!People like Rafe Cameron cant change, (Y/N)!Do you think he actually likes you?”John.B asked, regretting it the second it left his lips. “Oh, fuck you!”You exclaimed, leaving the room and slamming the door behind you.
“What the hell, John.B?”Kiara shouted, angry with her friend. “I didnt mean it like that!Lets give her a minute to cool off.”John.B grumbled, feeling JJ and Pope glaring at him.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?”Pope asked, just as angry as JJ.John.B just sat, listening to their cursing and anger. “I didnt mean it!”John.B shouted eventually, tired of their yelling.JJ shook his head, going to find you.
You werent in the bathroom or living room, leading him to think that maybe you had left until he looked out the kitchen window.He saw you in the hammock, leaving the house with a slam of the screen door and going to lay down next to you.
“What do you want?”You asked, not looking at the blonde. “Does he really make you happy?”JJ asked,waiting patiently for your answer.You nodded, turning to look at him. “Very much, yeah.”You answered,seeing a grin on his face.
“So then why does it matter what we think?I mean, im definitely the better choice here but if he makes you happy then go for it.”He chuckled, looking over to the house. “John.B is mad.”You muttered, wrapping your arms around JJ’s torso as the sun began to come up.
“He’s always mad, doesnt matter.If he can hook up with girls all the time I dont see why you cant have a healthy, loving relationship.It seems dumb to me.”He shrugged.You laughed quietly, not understanding when JJ became a life coach.
“Yeah, I agree.I just dont want him to be mad at me, you know?Its not like if he’s mad at you, you can just leave the house but I cant.Im stuck with that bitch all the time.”You ranted, earning a small laugh from him.
“Yeah, true.I think you should just live your life how you want to live it.If you want to be with Rafe then be with Rafe.Personally im not a fan of him but that doesnt mean I can just control your relationships.I mean, youre right.He hasnt really bothered us in months and I havent seen him around The Cut looking for trouble so maybe he has changed.As long as its healthy and everything is consensual.Everything is consensual,right?”He asked, looking down at you.
You hadnt really seen this side of JJ before, usually only seeing his flirty and joking side. “Of course.”You replied, flicking his stomach. “Right, so thats good.If John.B’s mad then that sucks but there’s nothing you can do about it.”He sighed, staring up at the sky through the tree branches.
“Are you mad?”You asked, curious for his answer.He bit his lip, thinking about it. “No, not really.I just cant believe you like him of all people.”He chuckled, feeling you flick his head. “I didnt like him at first, it kinda just happened.”You replied.JJ nodded, not saying anything else.
You fell asleep in the hammock next to JJ,waking up at noon.There was a note on the kitchen table saying that they had all decided to go out on the boat for the day and that there was pepsi and yogurt in the fridge.You could tell by the handwriting that Pope had written it, everyone else had probably forgot about you.
At eight the next night things werent as tense as they had been before.John.B had even driven you to Rafe’s house, ranting about safe sex and telling you to give Rafe a slice of ‘humble pie’.You rolled your eyes,getting out of the van and telling him to fuck off before walking up to Rafe’s front door, knocking lightly.
He told you that you didnt have to climb through his window anymore.Since you had to tell the pogues about your relationship he had decided to tell his family about it as well which meant he didnt have to hide you anymore.
John.B watched from the van as Rafe embraced you in a hug, smile on his face as he kissed your forehead.He had never seen Rafe look like that, the only smile he’d ever seen on Rafe Cameron was the kind that belonged to an angry sociopath.
But now he kind of just looked like a squishy, smiling gremlin.You and Rafe stood in the doorway for a moment, talking about how things had gone with John.B.Rafe had noticed the van sitll in the driveway, sending a quick and awkward brave towards your brother.A grin came across John.B’s face as he backed out of the driveway.Maybe you dating the Kook King wasnt as terrible as he thought.
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#rafe cameron#rafe obx#rafe x reader#rafe cameron imagine#rafe cameron x you#rafe fanfiction#rafe smut#rafe fluff#rafe fic#drew starkey#outerbanks#outer banks netflix
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Answer all the questions
well i have nothing to do so sure
1. What have you eaten today?
some toast for breakfast, leftovers for lunch, and some cereal for dinner
2. Who was your last kiss with? Was it pleasant?
never kissed anyone, don't really care about that
3. What color shoes did you last wear?
light grey sneakers
4. Who has made you laugh the hardest in the last week?
Jeremy did, when I was watching his Alien Isolation stream on monday
5. What is your favorite scent?
I love the smell freshly baked goods
6. What is your favorite season? Why?
I love fall. I just love the aesthetic of the season, and my favorite holiday is during fall. I would love to experience it one day
7. Can you do a handstand or cartwheel?
lol nope. I was barely able to do it as a kid. If I tried now i’m pretty sure i’ll break something.
8. What color are your nails?
the regular pink color? I don’t paint my nails
9. If you had to get a tattoo on your face to save your life, what would it be?
aw geez, uhhh idk maybe like a tiny star or something
10. What is something you find romantic?
i dont know romantic things
11. Are you happy?
eh
12. Is there anything in particular making you happy or sad?
no not really
13. Dogs or Cats?
cats. i like dogs too, but sometimes they’re too much to deal with. i’m more comfortable being with cats
15. Which do you prefer:a museum, a night club, the forest or a library?
museum
15. What is your style?
my style is “im trying”
16. If you could be doing anything you like right now, what would it be?
stay up all night to catch up on videos
17. Are you in a relationship or single?
single babeyyyy
18. What makes you attracted to the person you like right now?
nothing, because im not attracted to anyone
19. If you could replace your partner/best friend with a celebrity of your choice, would you? Who with?
i dont like celebrities
20. Are you holding on to something you need to let go of? If so then what?
i’m pretty sure i’m holding on to a lot of stuff, but I can’t seem to remember anything specific. if this question means metaphorically, the answer still works
21. How did you celebrate last Halloween?
I went to a drive thru haunted house with my 2 friends, and after we got some taco bell and went to the beach to eat our food. we sat there for like 10 minutes before it started to rain on us
22. Have you recently made any big decisions?
nope. I try not to in general , I hate having to make any sort of big decision because I starting stressing
23. Were you ever in a school play?
I’ve always had stage fright so no
24. What movie would you use to describe your life?
uhhhh, I dont watch enough movies to pick one
25. Is there something you have dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
oh there’s plenty of things that I've dreamed of doing, but I just can’t do it because of anxiety
26. Complete this sentence, “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
I dont like sharing
27. What are two things that irritate you about the same sex?
uhhh idk? maybe the whole makeup culture thing? but it’s not like it irritates me I just don’t get it. I can’t really think of a second thing
28. What are two things that irritate you about the opposite sex?
too much to list
29. What is the best thing that has happened to you this week?
fuck if i know
30. What is something that makes you sad when you think about it?
can’t think of anything rn
31. How long was your longest relationship?
never been in one
32. Have you ever been in love?
pretty sure I have not
33. Are you currently in love?
nope
34. Why did your last relationship end?
see question 31
35. What jewelry are you wearing right now, and where did you get it?
not wearing any atm. actually, I just don’t wear jewelry in general
36. When was the last time you cried and why?
I think it was last week? I don’t remember why, it was probably something stupid
37. Name someone pretty.
the anon that sent me this ask
38. What did you receive last Valentines Day?
oh! I got a few gifts from my bestie :)
39. Do you get jealous easily?
no
40. Have you ever been cheated on?
no
41. Do you trust your partner/best friend?
sure
42. Ever had detention?
no because I was a good bean in school
43. Would you rather live in the countryside or the city?
city. the countryside sounds nice, but just the thought of being out in the middle of nowhere especially at night makes me nervous
44. What do people call you?
by my name
45. What was the last book you read?
I do not remember. It’s been years since I’ve read a book
46. How big of a nerd/dork are you?
uhhh idk
47. What kind of music do you listen to?
anything that catches my fancy. I don’t really stick to one kind of genre
48. How tall are you?
my doctor said I’m allowed to say i’m 5′2
49. Do you like kids?
they’re alright. I can handle be around them for a bit, but I would never want to have any
50. Favorite fruits?
watermelon, starfruit, and tangerines
51. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?
jeans
52. What’s your earliest memory?
I was like 3-4, and I was at disney world with my family. I remember seeing a stage show of Bear in the Big Blue house, and I remember walking around ToonTown when it still existed
53. Ever had a poem or song written about you or to you?
i hope not
54. Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
behind it
55. Do you have a collection of anything?
I used to collect seashells as a kid and I still have some of the collection somewhere in my closet. I wanna start a new collection of something but idk what
56. Do you save money or spend it?
i try to save it
57. What would your dream house be like?
something cozy and not too big, with a cat or 2
58. What top 5 things make you the angriest?
its 11pm at the time of answering this, i really can’t think of anything to fill a list rn
59. What top 5 things always brings a smile to your face?
see the previous question
60. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
save the dog. i hate my job anyways so I don’t care
61. 72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?
I would definitely tell my closest friends, and some of my family members, probably my mom’s side of the family. If I had the money to, I would like to travel to some places that i’ve always wanted to go to. I would have a month to accept that i’m gonna die so i think i would be fine. i’d rather get plenty of time to know i’m dying rather than like last minute. this has been a topic that i’ve been thinking of for a while now, not because I’m like thinking about death or anything, I just need something to kill time with at work
62. Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.
a heart?
63. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
aw cmon, I can’t just think of stuff like that on the spot. I don’t even know where I would want to go
64. Do you like the beach?
It’s nice, especially in the early morning when everything is still calm and the beach isn’t packed with people yet
65. Ever sleep on the couch or a bed with someone special?
no? wtf does someone special mean?
66. Do you have a middle name? If so what is it!
Doesn’t everyone have a middle name? But yeah i do and i hate it so im not saying anything
67. Do you talk to yourself?
in my head all the time
68. Describe your hair.
brown, curly, very long because I haven’t cut it in almost a year, it’s very annoying
69. What is the meaning of life.
I wish i knew
70. What is your ideal partner like?
no one
71. Do you want to get married?
no
72. Do you want to have kids?
ew no
73. Like or dislike your family?
they’re bearable
74. Are you Chunky or Slim?
I’m more than chunky, i’m just straight up fat
75. Would you consider yourself smart?
lol no. I’m an absolute dumbass
76. What would you change about your life?
everything if i could
77. Religious or Not?
no not really
78. You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?
I don’t drink so this would never happen
79. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?
it sure isnt because no one is there
80. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?
uhhhh no. I don’t really care tbh
81. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?
idk
82. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?
i’m not opening the door because no one is there
83. Do you like when people play with your hair?
ehh not really. It’ll just make it frizzy
84. Do you like bubble baths?
no
85. Have you ever been pulled over by a cop?
I need to drive in order for that to happen
86. Have you ever danced in the rain?
no. its not fun getting soaked in the rain
87. Do you trust anyone with your life?
not really?
88. What was your first thought when you woke up this morning?
why does god allow suffering
89. If money wasn’t an issue, what top 10 places would you travel to? (You get to stay at each place for a week)
1.greece
2. peru
3.disney world only because I have not been to all the parks yet, also i can bug my brother while i’m there
theres a lot more but i’m too tired to fill out the rest of the list
90. How was your day today?
it was fine
91. Play an instrument?
used to play mellophone/french horn in band in high school. after I graduated I haven’t touched an instrument since
92. Describe the what you think of the ocean.
it’s scary
93. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts?
aliens as anything that counts as a living organism not of this world, not green little men from mars nonsense. the universe is too big for only life to be on earth. for ghosts, i’m still iffy about them, but that doesn’t mean i’m gonna start walking around haunted places and call the ghosts a bitch
94. Honestly, are things how you wanted them to be?
abosolutely not. every day I regret all the decisions i’ve made through my life. does that mean I’m trying to fix said mistakes or try not to do them again? lol no
95. Do you have a mean bitchy scary side?
in my mind i do. I’m too scared of everyone to actually do it
96. When are you vulnerable?
always
97. How much free time do you have?
doesn’t feel like much. saturday and sunday go by way too fast and i feel like when i go home from work theres just not enough to relax. im tired all the time
98. Do you like to go hiking?
never been
99. Odd or Even Numbers?
even
100. Would you ever go sky diving, bungee jumping , cliff diving, wing suit gliding, parasailing, snorkeling, or other extreme activities?
no because I actually have self preservation. I am also a very big chicken
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endgame thoughts, not because i think i have anything valuable to say abt it, more just bc i want to get my initial unsullied opinions out before various overly nitpicky or overly praisy internet thinkpieces come around
okay so. first of all, i’m tired to death of the way folks talk about the mcu. like, it’s either a godly feat of everything and the most important thing ever or the literal devil incarnate and the source of all evil in this world. i am literally so fucking bored of both these perspectives and have zero time for either of them.
yes, the mcu is emblematic of a lot of problems in the current state of the film medium as a whole. yes, it is also a really cool feat of storytelling that a whole bunch of movies spanning a whole bunch of years could all come together and culminate in a big huge blowout finale. yes, it could have been far better, but yes, it also could have been far worse.
i wasn’t a fan of thor being a punchline in this film. like, the whole “lol thor fat” thing was like, really tired and not cool. and the fact that his genuine moments of expressing grief and the significant trauma he’s been through were played off for laughs more often than not bc “lol thor supposed to be big many man but he’s crying like a wimpyboy instread.” like, fucking please. it’s 2019 and other male characters were allowed to be shown crying and processing their trauma but thor’s??? not allowed for some reason??? anyway they did him dirty in this movie and i’m not super pleased abt that.
i didn’t like that they fridged natasha. i’m not a fan of scarjo so much these days, but i did like natasha. 2012 me adored her and was 100000% behind her as the Only Woman (despite being miffed that she was the Only Woman) and i really liked her character and redemption arc through the films that she appeared in. and like, i get the justification for fridging her. like i get that she was this assassin who killed a bunch of folks and in the end, not only wiped out the red in her ledger, but saved the whole damn universe in doing so. i get that. i’m just annoyed that they literally went and fridged the Only Woman to give the boys manpain before the third act.
speaking of the ladies.... the One Scene Where Women Get To Do Things. my god. the critical feminist part of my mind greatly resented the obvious lip service of that scene, and the fact that the ladies only got the one shining moment before we got back to the sausage fest. but lord, the lesbian part of my mind hella enjoyed it. like i was legit bouncing in my seat like YESSSS FUCK EM UP LADIES i was just completely stoked.
and my god. MY GOD CAN WE TALK ABOUT CAROL’S HAIRCUT AKA A GIFT TO THE LESBIANS. THIS MOVIE HAS MANY SINS BUT WE CAN ALL THANK IT FOR THAT HAIRCUT. (and again, feminist me is like, hey, dont focus on her appearance, focus on the important shit she did in singlehandedly turning the battle around for everyone, but lesbian lizard brain is hhhhhhhhhhhhh girl hot)
anyways. 2012 me was a month out of a major jaw surgery when i saw the first avengers, puffy faced, on heavy painkillers, and unable to eat any solid foods, and just generally weak and miserable. i dragged myself to the theatre and i smiled the whole way through that movie bc even though i was feeling super shitty, that 360 shot of the team made me so excited and happy. so happy that i watched and rewatched a bootleg download over what was probably the worst summer of my life, and it made me happy and gave me hope, dumb as that may sound.
i havent watched the first avengers movie in a long time, and i’m not sure if i’d feel the same way seeing it now. remembering how it felt then still makes me happy, but seeing that same 360 shot repeated in endgame didnt stoke much emotion. tumblr fandom took a lot of my avengers joy away. the drama and character hate and constant complaining and cringe culture bullshit exhausted me. and the recent turns of the mcu also contributed to that. a lot of things contributed to it, i guess. but i dont feel as happy as i once did. so a lot of this movie rang a little bit hollow, needless to say.
that being said, though, i did feel a little flicker of that joy. for all the movie’s and the franchise’s faults, of which there are many, i can say that the moment where all those portals opened up and the revived characters stepped though, i felt that happiness again. i legit almost cried when i saw shuri’s silhouette step out of that circle. that moment when the score came in with that booming version of the avengers theme, i was 2012 me again, just for a moment, and i think that’s worth something. to me, that’s worth something. so for all its sins, i thank the movie for that.
this is rly rambly and im tired so im just gonna say 2 more things. things i’m not personally super invested in, but other people are, and so i feel i need to have an opinion on em.
first is bucky. i fucking adore him, and i am kinda miffed that he got like, no interactions with steve. i know steve/peggy is the canon ship, i knew it was always endgame (heh) and that stucky is just a fandom thing. but god damn it, even if they were never gonna have their relationship go there (which tbh i literally never even came close to expecting to happen) it still feels a little bit unfair to have steve basically ignore probably the most important person in his life. like, i know he wanted to live his happy straight life with peggy, and passing on the shield and identity of captain america to sam is super important, and i loved that moment and would never begrudge him that bc i adore sam. i was just... really sad that bucky had to get kinda shafted for that. (literally all i was saying in the last half hour was “but where’s bucky? but what about bucky?” our boy deserved better.
second is tony. tony tony tony. i know folks have a lot of strong feelings about him, both ways. i know of folks who think he’s the scum of the earth for some dumb reason, and i personally know others who think the entire mcu should revolve around him, for equally dumb reasons. i’m more neutral. i think he’s a good character who made questionable decisions in the past. i feel for him and his struggles with PTSD. i respect him as a character in-universe and also for what he and RDJ accomplished. like, if he hadn’t hit it out of the park with that first movie like a fucking decade ago, none of this would have been possible, and i think that’s pretty damn cool, regardless of feelings on the monster juggernaut the mcu has turned into. basically, i know some folks are maliciously rejoicing at his death while complaining that he got a hero’s send-off when he is a Bad And Not Morally Pure Man, which is. boring. and other people (namely one who i know personally in my family) who are mad because he is an Angel and deserved the Best Happy Ending Because No Bad Things Are Allowed To Happen To This Perfect Boy. i’m not here for either opinion. i’m okay that he died (peter crying over him did get to me in a huge way, but i think tom holland just has a power that if he’s crying, i’m crying so idk). i think it’s cool that he got to save everyone and got a heroic and well deserved send off. this isnt a revolutionary opinion i just wanted to throw it out there bc im bored with the polarization.
and... yeah? i think that’s it? sorry, im really tired and this probs doesn’t make sense but i just felt like i had to get the initial reactions and feelings down before the thinkpieces get to me lmao.
oh, also nebula deserved better 2kforever i just love her a lot and want her to be happy and not suffer, kthxbye
#og#a4 spoilers#spoilers#endgame spoilers#avengers spoilers#avengers endgame spoilers#do you think i've tagged this thoroughly enough yet?#this is legit just boring and nonsensical rambling sorry
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More? On it!: Lets say the egos went to the store, who’s got a list of what theyre getting and a time schedule, who’s fuckin around in the kid’s section (or sitting in the cart) and who’s standing confused and alone in the dairy section because they’ve already lost their friends (Hope this isnt bad lol!)
hope these are okay aaaaaaahas a time schedule and specific af list: darkiplier -- he didn't have a schedule or list per say, he just got tired of hearing 'mommy why's that man black and white' or 'jesus christ karen what's wrong with him?' and even 'wait -- isnt that the old mayor? isn't he.../dead/?'jackieboy man -- superheroes are busy too. thankfully all he needed was rope. don't think like that ya nasty, he needed it since his last one broke while saving a cat out of a tree. dr. iplier -- got weird looks from other shoppers when they saw him, a doctor, with nothing but sweets and sodas but other than that he was outta there in no time. save for the fact someone in the pharmacy section asked him for advice on their rash where the sun dont shine. silver shepherd -- felt embarrassed by the teenagers who were mocking him and his superhero suit. dark said he deserved because why would you even go outside on the lawn in that??yandereplier -- knives, duct tape, ropes, cyanide, a shovel, a map of the city's forest, everything they'd need to spend a night with their rival!! bim trimmer -- he got everything he needed without being too distracted!! his new mug, coffee, a new tie, but...well, he can't quite get over the feeling he's missing something. it's about 10 minutes after he drives away from the store does he yell while making a dangerous u-turn, "I FORGOT THE HOST OH MY GOD--"fucking around the store:jim twins -- trying to interview shoppers on their purchases, holding up fruits in the isle, "LOOK AT THIS KUMQUAT, JIM. ITS THE SAME FRUIT OUR MOTHER JIM GAVE TO US AND JIMOTHY EVERY MORNING BEFORE SCHOOL. ITS A PRECIOUS FRUIT, JIM."bingiplier -- testing out the skateboards while the store's overworked and underpaid staff chase him. he makes a vlog about it later -- "I GOT KICKED OUT FOR BEING TOO COOL?! [GONE WRONG] [COPS CALLED] NOT CLICKBAIT!"marvin the magician -- stuck in the appliance section dazzling a crowd. so far he's made a dishwasher, a blender, and a knives set disappear. what they dont know is he made them disappear back at his apartment. hey, its easy to get away with illegal stuff with magic. wilford warfstache -- fucking around in the kids section. scaring several children as he rides a tricycle up and down the isle, looking more like jigsaw from the saw movies than anything else to them. and that gun he's holding up aint helping. ed edgar -- the man insisted to try out the fishing lines and hooks. he's in the pet section fishing for goldfish. so far he's caught two. he's also insisting to test out their frying pans and cookware with said goldfish. security is taking pretty long to get to him.king of the squirrels -- he's in the kids section cuddling with every single stuffed animal he can find. curled up in the isle with a giant squirrel plushie or several small dog plushies. it takes dark and dr. iplier ages to get him out of there. robbie the zombie -- mostly stalking other shoppers and wondering which one would taste better. he did see a red haired student in a uniform who promised to bring him a human to eat later that night though. standing alone and confused™:chase brody -- he's been in the dairy section for hours trying to figure out if his kids would want banana milk or strawberry milk. poor chase stands there until bing rides on by with a skateboard and grabs him while recording, "bro, i'm on the run from the security in here we goTTA GO--"dr. schneeplestein -- trusted anti to baby sit robbie so he's mostly browsing. so far he found a neat new lab coat but feels lonely without having someone to look after. he can only imagine what trouble the other egos were in while out of his sight. he winces as he hears for security to be called in a nearby isle for appliances, followed by a "please escort the magician off store grounds."googleplier -- was sent out to get baking supplies for wilford and dark. has no idea what supplies to get nor can he use his search bar since there's no wifi in the store. thankfully he does have their credit card and just buys everything in the baking isle. he's sure they have, according to his calculations, 4,580 dollars to spare. the host -- he was holding onto the back of bim's suit like a lost puppy. not exactly sure what isle they were in. he did know it was cold. bim told him to stand right there and wait for him while he grabbed some milk...that was nearly an hour ago. the host just stands there and waits -- maybe his dearest best friend just likes taking his time choosing milk? either way, he smiles and blushes as he feels bim hold his hand and drag him out the store. "did you get what you needed, mr. trimmer?"anti -- holding a box of knives and a blindfold, frantically running around the isles confused and scared, "HAS ANYONE SEEN A ZOMBIE WHO LOOKS LIKE ME BUT WITH PURPLE HAIR PLEASE HELP ME SCHNEEP IS GONNA KICK MY ASS IF I DONT FIND HIM."
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hello! i was wondering if you have any tips for me since youre studying creative writing rn and im kinda in a writers slump. i wrote fics last year but then depression got to me and i stopped. i wanna find inspiration again but im lost and i dont know how to start writing again. im also scared that people will be mean when i post. also i read birthday sex a while ago and loved everything! its truly a masterpiece
hello, i sure do have some tips for this! everyone gets blocked sometimes, don’t worry yourself over it. Check below the cut for my protips (lol)
1. Don’t beat yourself up! Sometimes you’re not up to writing, and it can’t be helped. As I am fond of reminding whoever will listen, writing is kind of like self-torture in a lot of ways. It’s emotionally exhausting, because you’re essentially drawing on your (often painful) memories and experiences, and channeling them into a work of art. Sometimes your brain won’t cooperate, and it’s okay. You need to be in the right frame of mind. You haven’t lost any talent, you’re just tired. Try again when you’re in a better mood.
2. Write what you love. Quiet that little voice in your mind that is asking who will want to read whatever you’re writing. It doesn’t matter. If you write something you want to write, your passion and creativity will shine through it, and people will learn to like it. Have you ever clicked a fic thinking ‘:/ im not sure this is my thing’, but then it’s written so amazingly that you end up loving it? I’ve had that happen a bunch! I’m really picky with reading fics lol, so I often start one assuming im gonna hate it, but then fall in love.
3. Prompts! When you’re stuck for an idea, prompts are a lifesaver! I really recommend this reddit thread for when you don’t know what to write. Or, if you want a purely phan prompt go to @phanfic and look at their prompts tags! Not only do prompts give you a jumping off point, but they also guarantee you a reader! The prompter is going to want to read what you write, no question! They’ll likely be so happy that you chose to complete the prompt that they’ll love it regardless!
4. Fanfiction. This is a broad one, but what I want to say here is that fanfiction, to me, is the world’s best training ground. Think of it like the colosseum - you are a gladiator. You have these characters to play with, and an empty stadium to fill with whatever you want. Literally anything you can imagine. It’s daunting, sure, but the point is, go nuts! Try out that mermaid!phil au you’ve been thinking about on and off - see if it works! If it doesn’t, drain the colosseum of water, and put dnp in fucking tents on the side of everest. Try everything! Write write write, explore your talents, find what your strengths are!
5. Daydream! Fantasise your tits off, srsly. My secret is that I plan all my storylines as I’m falling asleep. I make it play out like a movie in my head, I imagine what they’ll say, how it will happen. Then, the next day, I’ll write it out. There’s nothing stopping you from making up this stuff in your head, so dream about it over and over, refine it in your mind until it’s how you want it, and then write it down!
6. Beta’s are everything. I’m gonna be lame and shout out my absolute fave @manschester for being the loml and the greatest beta a girl could ask for. Find a friend that likes your writing, isnt afraid to be honest with you, and will help u out with writing. My fave thing to do with Nova is open up a google doc of mine or her latest chapter, send her the link (or vice versa) and either she watches me write and comments/edits as i go, or i do the same for her. it’s honestly the most helpful thing ever to have someone else’s eyes on it. It also helps you to feel confident about posting! Beta beta beta.
7. Patience. You’re not gonna go from 0-100. I’m 23. I’m pretty happy with my writing atm, but I remember feeling that way at 16. And if I look at the stuff I wrote when I was 16 I crrrringe. You’ll improve with time and practice. You just will. UNLESS you don’t keep at it. The best thing about the phandom is how fucking awesome and supportive it is as a community. There’s no better place to share and improve your gift. People will always want to read about our faves dip and pop. Just let yourself have the small victories at first. Treasure each comment, each nice review. And keep going.
I hope any of this helps!
And thank you so much for being lovely about Birthday Sex, I’m so happy you liked it :D xxx
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exo as boyfriends (ot9)
luna208: Hey i was wondering if u could please do what dating exo would be like but like in bullet points for each member? 😊🤗
Xiumin:
♦ supportive all the way
♦ likes to go on simple yet intimate dates
♦ not the best at texting but will try
♦ probably likes more to talk via skype or something
♦ soft car duets
♦ needs some alone time sometimes
♦ lots of smiles
♦ casual
♦ great at hugging and sorts
♦ always smells good
♦ organizes stuff in your house
♦ whispers while caressing your hair
♦ knows how to pleasure you *wink*
♦ lets out a chuckle everytime he sees you happy and excited
♦ doesn’t understand when you just insanely wants to suddenly cuddle (because he’s too cute)
♦ mindblowing just out of this world kissing
Suho:
♦ #ideal
♦ randomly texts you jokes he just thought of and the boys’ reactions
♦ you’re judged by all EXO members
♦ tends to remember the important dates
♦ fancy
♦ the type to start the kissing with little smiles and suddenly get really into it
♦ wants to travel with you
♦ random at a daily basis
♦ sometimes you two just sit down and he opens up about all the pression and stress he is into
♦ gets really upset when arguing
♦ has a bunch of little habits
♦ always grabs your hand
♦ makes you laugh
♦ eye smile
Yixing:
♦ we all know he’s a butt guy so yea
♦ expect lots of idk butt action after you’re close (lol wat)
♦ skypes you and eventually falls asleep hearing your voice
♦ you’re constantly mad at him for overworking
♦ he’s constantly warming your heart with compliments
♦ sweet mumbles
♦ gentleman
♦ those hips tho
♦ knows what you’re thinking while watching him dance
�� takes advantage of that hehe
♦ listens to everything you say
♦ is always in touch
♦ shows you a piece he’s been working on
♦ always sending you cute selfies
♦ really REALLY good kisser
♦ wants you to have everything of the best
Baekhyun:
♦ never shuts up
♦ obligatory duets
♦ inside jokes af
♦ you’ll have to remind him of that date you two had scheduled but he’s an hour late because he’s playing games
♦ uses those fingers right if you know what i mean
♦ likes to just go somewhere not that crowded to feel ordinary with you
♦ plays with your hair
♦ is always caressing some part of your body
♦ smirks playfully
♦ full of sweet moments
♦ appreciates when you take care of him
♦ impressions while you two are watching something
♦ you slowly discover every layer he has
♦ cutest smile
Chen:
♦ you two do charity together
♦ picks up sexual vibes fast
♦ screams lots
♦ whines lots
♦ laughs lots
♦ knows how to persuade you
♦ manages to take a lot of his time for you
♦ is interested in your opinions
♦ also car duets
♦ netflix and chill
♦ kisses everywhere
♦ isn’t that cheesy
♦ lowkey spontanious
Chanyeol:
♦ shows off his many skills
♦ is lowkey insecure of your feelings
♦ is always thinking of you
♦ ‘i wrote you a song’
♦ always tries to make you happy
♦ gets mad easily if he’s tired
♦ will only open up after a while in the relationship
♦ constantly buys you stuff overseas because it reminded him of you
♦ that damn deep voice
♦ takes your breath away
♦ always jamming to something
♦ can go in the slow pecks direction OR
♦ the super intense makeout session type of vibe
♦ feels lucky he has you
♦ giggles after doing something cute
Kyungsoo:
♦ appreciates pretty much everything you say
♦ smiles to himself when he remembers some moment with you
♦ expect lots of movie nights
♦ kisses on the cheek
♦ you calling him cute and squishy
♦ doesn’t get mad that often
♦ tries to cook for you
♦ can spend hours kinda just kissing but it’s so good
♦ feels weird when you ask him to sing for you
♦ but sings without noticing
♦ loves to watch/hear you excited about something
♦ eyes sparkling
♦ ULTIMATE SASSY GENTLEMAN
Jongin:
♦ this fucker
♦ shy at first
♦ most handsome smile ever actually makes your soul leave your body and you get addicted
♦ pouts
♦ always showing you new music
♦ wants you to meet his children aka puppies
♦ prob gives you for christmas and you think aw how cute but it’s actually just an excuse for him to have another one and he used you as a disguise for getting another puppy
♦ sometimes he doesn’t pick up his phone for like 12 hours because he’s playing games
♦ you’re always reminding him to have a limit when practising
♦ skype/facetime calls really late at night
♦ sleeping together (as in literally sleeping)
♦ cuddles
♦ messy hair
♦ always lowkey horny
♦ neck kisses
♦ also long kisses
♦ teases 24/7
♦ random in depth talks
Sehun:
♦ sweet sassiness
♦ prepare for confidence overload
♦ shy and smol bean when you’re out with your friends and there are guys too
♦ gets small random gifts for you all the time
♦ “here i got you these socks. Didn't you say your feet are always cold”
♦ pulls out some weird ass cute socks smh gets really shy but also fucking proud when you wear the stuff he got you even accessories
♦ Vivi listens to you more than to him sorry mr. Oh
♦ Isn’t really into pda but def will hold your hand outside or again use you as a arm/ body rest of you are like waiting in to buy bubble tea
♦ he will def make you go on many bubble tea dates
♦ bc he “started the trend”
♦ when you feel down or seem to have had a bad day he go grabs your fav taste for you to drink bc it normally makes him happy so he thinks it makes you happy too but he isnt sure and he is just trying to be a good boyfriend
♦ If you are in a cuddle mood he will make it as if its obvious bc who can resist oh sehun and he will tease you so long until you slap his arm and tell him to just come cuddle and he will let
♦ bc a) you just stopped listening and clinged onto him and
♦ b) you clinging onto him makes him go so mushy he is like DAMN RIGHT SHE WANTS ME
♦ afternoons with legs entagled and each on their phone
A/N: aH THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN, I actually love making these bulletpoints post stuff, I know it’s been such a long time but I was taking a break from tumblr, hope you guys like this <3
Shotout to @damned-fangirl for the noodle insight, love ya
#exo#exo as boyfriends#exok#exom#ot9#kim minseok#xiumin#Kim Jongin#kai#Kim Junmyeon#suho#kim jongdae#chen#oh sehun#sehun#do kyungsoo#kyungsoo#Park Chanyeol#chanyeol#byun baekhyun#baekhyun#zhang yixing#lay#exo scenarios#exo imagines#kpop#exo reactions#exo gifs#kpop scenarios#kpop imagines
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1 whats your middle name: Jasmin
2 how old are you?: 21
3 whens your birthday?: 27th March 1996
4 zodiac sign?: Aries (act more like a pisces tho)
5 favourite colour?: atm violet is my fave
6 whats your lucky number?: 7 !!
7 do you have any pets?: i have a cat and a dog
8 where are you from?: where the wild things are
9 how tall are you?: smol
10 what shoe size are you?: 7/8 depending on the kind of shoe
11 how many pairs of shoes do you own?: 5 ??
12 what was your last dream about: lmao that deserves its own special post.
13 what talents do you have?: errrr, im a good shot with a bow.
14 are you psychic in any way?: in some ways, i think i just have a really good intution.
15 favourite song?: thats impossible!!!
16 favourite movie?: Pans Labyrinth, short term 12, Nick & Norahs infinite playlist.
17 who would your ideal partner be?: someone who i never tire of, who can handle comfortable silences and knows how i like my tea. Idk.
18 do you want children?: uhhhhh idk id prolly adopt.
19 do you want a church wedding?: if the person i were to marry wished to have one i dont see why not.
20 are you religious?: i believe in past lives? I believe in the universe and i think its alive, i think it watches us. I dont really believe in things that come out of a book or something written by old men a million years ago. But i believe theres something more out there.
21 have you ever been to a hospital?: many many times i have.
22 have you ever been in trouble with the law?: once when i was 9 i prank called a place twice and they had caller ID and they got the police involved… my mum was fuming.
23 have you ever met any celebrities?: i met the twins from teen wolf and they were adorable :*
24 baths or showers?: showers fuck me uuup
25 what colour socks are you wearing?: none
26 have you ever been famous: lol no
27 would you like to be a celebrity: no thanks im so fine being normal.
28 what type of music do you like?: uhhhh i think im alternative indie trash but like also everything that bops is my shit???
29 have you ever been skinny dipping?: lol lets not go there
30 how many pillows do you sleep with?: 3
31 what position do you usually sleep in?: on my side … hugging the 3rd pillow.
32 how big is ur house?: not very, its one story and houses 3 ppl ^-^
33 what do you typically have for breakfast?: toast and a cup of tea.
34 have you ever fired a gun?: yea i have. Not a fan of guns tho
35 have you ever tried archery: yup, and that i am a fan of!!!
36 favourite clean word?: soap
37 favourite swear word?: cunt. Lol.
38 whats the longest youve ever gone without sleep?: probably like 2 days.
39 do you have any scars: yeah i have a few.
40 have you ever had a secret admirer?: not that im aware of.. but isnt that the point?
41 are you a good liar?: kinda but also i hate lying to people so i tend to not do it often.
42 are you a good judge of character?: i sure hope so.
43 can you do any accents other than ur own?: not very good but usually i just pretend to be scotish
44 do you have a strong accent?: i have no idea
45 whats your favourite accent?: Irish probably
46 whats your personality type: im type 5 if that makes sense to yall
47 whats your most expensive piece of clothing?: probably the fucking togs i bought last weekend 😂😂
48 can you curl your tongue?: i can maybe thats my one talent..
49 innie or an outie?: lol innie
50 lefty or righty?: im right handed :P
51 are you scared of spiders?: only if they jump on my face, otherwise no not at all
52 favourite food?: pastaaaaaa
53 favourite foreign food?: sushiiiiii or italian food is the shit
54 are you a clean or messy person?: im relatively tidy but cluttered.
55 most used phrase?: fuck if i know i never shut up 😂
56 most used word?: “weow” “mleh” “fuck” those 3 sometimes together or separately
57 how does it take to get ready?: an hour. Usually
58 do u have much of an ego?: idk how to answer this one
59 do you suck or bite lollipops?: yes.
60 do you talk to yourself?: yeah but only cause she never shuts up lol
61 do you sing to yourself?: it stops her from talking so yeh
62 are you a good singer?: no im terrible
63 biggest fear?: shutting everyone out and then ending up completely by myself, being replaced. Idk.. im afraid of getting older and watching my grandparents get greyer and forgetful. Clowns. Caring more about things or people than they probably do about me. Cliche shit like that.
64 are you a gossip?: no but i listen to it 😎👀☕
65 best dramatic movie youve seen?: kill bill 1 and 2
66 long or short hair?: on me i like having it short c:
67 can you name 50 states in america?: lol no
68 favourite subject: art / history
69 extrovert or introvert?: introvert 😩👌
70 ever been scuba diving?: nope thatd be fun tho
71 what makes you nervous?: ppl im not close with asking personal questions, ppl getting in my comfort zone, being late for something, family gatherings, people pointing out my nervous ticks like fidgeting..
72 are you scared of the dark?: kinda :/
73 do you correct ppl when they make mistakes?: sometimes but not if it makes me or them look like a dick.. i would only do it if it helped them.
74 are you ticklish?: no
75 have you ever started a rumour?: maybe in like primary school..
76 have you ever been in a position of authority?: yes im an older sibling so ofc
77 ever drank underage?: yes, thanks dad 👌
78 ever done drugs?: … yes.. thanks aunty 👌 i swear my familys semi normal
79 who was ur first real crush?: prolly my first best friend..
80 any piercings?: nope.
81 can you roll your R’s ?: not very good but yes i can
82 how fast can you type?: very very lelel
83 how fast can you run?: depends on whats chasing me.
84 your hair colour?: reddish brown atm
85 your eye colour?: hazel ^-^
86 any allergies?: none that im aware of!!!
87 do you keep a journal?: i do, i mostly doodle tho
88 what do your parents do?: my mum works as a gardener atm, my dad fixes pipes lol.
89 do you like your age?: yeah sure 21 is fine ^-^
90 what makes you angry?: people who try to take advantage of others just bc theyre family. 🙄🙄
91 do you like your name?: i do actually!
92 have you already thought of baby names?: yes kinda sort of only one so far i like the name Hazel its cute
93 boy or girl for a child: tbh i would want a daughter but a son is just as fine
94 strengths?: im optimistic i think, sometimes im funny, i can see thru ppls bullshit. There. So strength!
95 what are your weakeness?: im also the complete opposite of all my strengths listed above. Its too easy for me to get upset with myself, im very dramatic and sometimes its exhausting lol.
96 how did you get ur name?: my … parents??
97 were your ancestors royalty: i have no idea, i know most of my irish ancestors were coal miners and catholic so.. prolly not
#get to know me or smthng idk#lol theres a character limit#so like to answer the rest#my bed spread is black n white with pink sheets#my rooms a boring off white#😂😂😂 damn wish they had better questions#also i answered the marriage and kids questions very theoretically im only 21 guuuuuys#have fun#me#drew speaks
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so this is the new year
im finally taking time to sit down and reflect on the past few months. the new year came and went and its been a bit of a whirlwind. i suppose i’ll just go by chronological order cos i dont really know how to start...also i dont think im an abstract thinker so really my life isnt ordered by “themes” or “lessons” or whatever but i sort of think of it in terms of events and the epiphanies or lessons that flow therefrom. this is probably just gonna be a stream of consciousness exposition cos im lazy to organise my thoughts and this is basically my journal so WHATEVER!
November
X told me he liked me and asked me out. i was shocked. but sort of saw it coming (what else could “r u free after lunch, i have some stuff to say” mean...LOL). i reacted awkwardly - distinctly remember saying “huh..what does that MEAN!!!” (LOL) i told him i would think about it but could probably only give him an answer after part b was over.
tbh this was probably just me stalling for time. i think instinctively i knew that i didnt see him in that way, but he seemed to tick so many boxes in terms of who i was “supposed” to be with - that sounds dumb, but what i mean is he’s a steadfast christian, a good boy, similar values, similar tastes in music / movies / books, same bloody industry LOL...
also he seemed really serious about it - ermmm he brought up marriage on that first day :0 ok i suppose thats unfair and it sounds insane without context - he said it with reference to how dating is always with a view to marriage which i do agree with but yes it was a lot to absorb in one conversation. and then he cracked out this book about dating and marriage and i was like woah. so, given how much thought he seemed to have put into this (he also said he chatted with his CG leader about me yikes) i felt obliged to at least think it through properly and give myself some time to consider rather than immediately rejecting him.
and so i mulled it over whilst studying for part b. he was overseas for a while towards the end of my studying period (ie when i was freaking out the most and generally being a headless chicken) and this probably contributed to me feeling like i liked him more than i really did hmm wonder what this says about me. i like to feel like someone’s out of my reach i suppose. so fucked up lol! and so during this period we were texting everyday and i would look forward to his replies and he was a real source of comfort during that stressful period and i never told him this and i probably never will.
December
exams were over and i had to face D DAY!! so i went to meet him to give him my answer and honestly even on that day i didnt know what my answer was. we met at BTM and he literally had written down a list of things to talk about and i think in that moment i knew this probably wouldnt work out. hes so damn thoughtful about every little thing and he thinks everything through and even though he seems to think he “doesnt take things too seriously” I THINK HE DOES...and i really dont...so i felt that showed how incompatible we were. its not a bad thing to be thoughtful. its just that i felt so pressured by how seriously he was taking things...i thought “trying this out” would be casual and chill and we would just hang out as if we were friends but with this overarching agenda of potentially being together but no his conception of “trying things out” is much more intense and serious and thought out and in his words “intentional”. which i realised is some christian dating jargon haha.
dinner was normal until he cracked out that list i was talking about. then he started talking about what he wanted out of a relationship and asked me what i wanted out of a relationship. like it was a damn interview. you know what, im saying this in a really condescending tone and i wouldnt ever be this hurtful if i knew he was gonna read this - in fact i really do think this kind of approach would suit many people and perhaps a more emotionally well adjusted person would think this was normal but i felt so bombarded and i really didnt know what to say in response. so i blurted out some nonsense about wanting to be with someone who was God fearing and “kind and compassionate” and “ambitious” LMAO...what bullshit (that last one i mean). and he had clearly thought out his answers a lot more and he went on a whole spiel about wanting to be with someone who could stand on their own as a christian and who he didnt have to “drag along” on their walk with God and i was like ok cool but i think im not that...im not what youre looking for...but of course i didnt say this. idk why. maybe i enjoy being wanted and sought after and i didnt want to shatter his illusion that i was what he was looking for, even though i was kinda seeing that he wasnt what i was looking for.
anyway, being the shitty person i am, i told him it wasnt a no but it wasnt a straight out yes either i.e. i would be willing to try with a view to potentially saying yes. and we left it at that. but even as i said bye to him that night i kinda knew this wasnt gonna work...but i wanted it to! i wanted to like him! i want to be the kind of person who can accept love from a well adjusted person who’s not afraid to be real and to take things seriously...but i suppose i have some emotional growth to work on...or is it perfectly valid for me to not want to be with him? tbh i never found him attractive (physically or even personality wise oops) - he doesnt make me laugh, hes kinda too uptight, he doesnt get my jokes (i have to be like “JUST KIDDING” a lot of the time..ded) but somehow we worked as friends. but to be with someone requires something more than just working as friends doesnt it?? ack
so we met a few times in dec (i think we went on four or five “dates” in total...im so reluctant to call them dates cos throughout i just couldnt see him in that light, but thats what they were i think) and through the course of our interactions i started picking up on things that i didnt like about him / about our interactions. this sounds awfully petty and i dont wanna be mean about this cos im sure i have MANY MANY MANY flaws that one could nit pick but these were just some signs that we would not work (quite apart from my lack of physical attraction to him)
1. our conversations always end up argumentative. i think this probably stems from both of us being law students and so whenever we disagree on something we both cant seem to fucking let it go. i distinctly remember one stupid conversation, i shall put it here (not verbatim but this is the gist of it)
X: what are your new years resolutions?
S: i dont like making new years resolutions because they always end up in disappointment because i never stick to them.
X: but disappointment isnt always a bad thing because you can learn from it and improve from there
S: yes but that doesnt mean disappointment isnt a bad thing - cos disappointment in itself is bad (like duh the feeling of disappointment is bad) but what comes after disappointment can be good or bad i.e. you can choose to work on yourself and improve or you can wallow in the disappointment.
-some more argument and confusion about what we are even talking about-
S: ok lets not argue on this its a semantic point.
X: is it semantic? its not semantic.
S: it is semantic. we are disagreeing on what the word disappointment means. i think it is necessarily negative but you are saying that disappointment isnt always negative because of what can come after but i think thats sidestepping the point of disappointment being negative in itself.
do you see what i mean. what kind of petty argument is this? whats the damn point? of course im definitely not blameless in this at all. i perpetuate it. but what im saying is i feel like talking to him brings out this argumentative side of me that im not a fan of. also its fucking exhausting haha.
2. he is so. fucking. serious. every conversation involves some heavy thing like spirituality or self evaluation or Godliness etc. which i suppose is good but i just found it tiring...why cant things be light? why cant things be fun? why do we always have to talk about *important* or *weighty* things? tbh i think he sorta compartmentalises me as a friend whom he can talk about these *weighty* things with cos im also a christian and i get what hes saying when he talks about God but i dont want to only talk about that...
3. we dont have similar senses of humour. i dont think he thinks im funny...but i think im bloody funny ok haha also i dont think im deluded on this? my friends think im funny too? yeah i think its a major problem that we cant really laugh together...hes not someone that makes me laugh at all :(
ok enough bashing X haha i really do think hes a great person we are just NOT compatible romantically.
ANYWAYS! sometime in dec i also met up w SM for the first time in aaaages. but things were like normal again. sounds stupid but i think ill always think of him as the one who got away LOL....emotionally unavailable and not interested in me?? IM DOWN! haha. ok hes not emotionally unavailable tbh i probably was more emotionally unavailable in the course of our friendship but he defo never really expressed any interest in me other than always hanging out one on one but that doesnt really count for anything does it. anyways! he told me about his BTO plans and im honestly v happy for him :) friends r growing up and moving on in life mang..
sad part was i dropped avo toast on my new everlane pants and that honestly ruined my day lol
January
NYE was spent w S and some of her friends plus R and A (who went home after dinner cos of family drama lmao angie is siao) - we went to AL’s fam friends party at fullerton for countdown and the fireworks were amaaaazing, lasted about an hour (which made us question the budget allocation on this tbh isnt it a bit of a waste?? fireworks are insanely expensive??) and we promptly went home after the clock struck 12 which was perfect haha i have no stamina to stay out late anymore.
work started on 2 jan! its been fun tbh - back with the trainees and meeting some new people and using my brain again. i like feeling useful and being stuck in a routine...at least for now haha. check in on me in about 3 months and we’ll see.
and....i finally mustered up the courage to tell X the truth ie i didnt see this going anywhere and we should just be friends. we had kind of an awkward dinner (i could feel myself being rude to him and being dismissive etc but i think it could partially be attributed to me being tired from work..but mostly cos i didnt wanna be with him!! as a romantic partner!! it felt wrong!) and so i told him after dinner otw to the mrt (funny, we always have these convos otw to the mrt haha). he said he understood and he sort of felt it coming. and i felt bad - he mustve picked up on my coldness and rudeness over text and in our meetings also...why am i like this. i shouldve been up front with him on the first day. but i didnt know!!! i didnt know for sure this is how i felt. ahhh well u live and u learn right. next time ill be better at this. hope theres a next time LOL God pls send me someone whos right for me
ok bye for now! this was a lengthy post haha
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how do the kiddos/Lena and kara react to the bad relationship Maia is in?
like..........not well. like they react v well for her, in that they’re supportive and caring and do all the right stuff but it also tears them apart
not as in the family is torn apart, like they still are v much a family and v much a unit, but it rips kara and lena apart and it eats at finn and stella bc they all feel like they could have done more?? noticed before it got so bad, been more present
but basically maia is feeling v overlooked and forgotten abt, like classic middle child where she feels like stella’s the baby and finn’s the prodigal son and she’s just.......there?? like she feels like she’s the Angry One or whatever, not anything to be proud of. but she’s not one to ever be forthright with her feelings?? like fuck that, she’s going to bottle that shit up so you never know the real reason for her getting upset. so she’s feeling weird with her family, right?? and she’s in kind of a vulnerable place bc of it, always feeling like the black sheep, always feeling like a bit of a burden and high school is weird and everything is Weird, thats like the best way to put it. maia’s in a state of flux, where she’s not the kiddo that anyone is expecting to go into the superhero business but she’s the one that desperately wants to (like stella will want to later, but rn?? its all maia) but no one acknowledges it bc she never says it
a lot of her problems are rooted in miscommunication tbh like she’ll just........not say anything but be like stewing over it for months ya feel?
so she’s feeling Weird and starts acting out a little, starts letting her grades drop and starts missing curfew and like that sort of puts a bit of a wedge between her and her family, bc her moms are like?? where is this coming from?? and her siblings are trying to talk to her but maia’s started looking at the world like it’s me vs everyone else so she shuts them out, refuses to talk to them abt anything important. so there’s this distance btwn her and the rest of the family, this uncomfortable tension btwn her and her moms and it only feeds into this Weirdness more, leads maia to make more Bad decisions like cutting class to hang out more with these kids she met at the skate park over the summer and its rlly nice?? like she feels heard, feels validated and like her friends from school are nice, are rlly good, but they sort of are like?? it sucks you feel bad but your moms do love you?? talk to them abt this maybe?? and maia’s like lol no, just spends more time with the ppl that are validating her feelings, not asking her to analyze anything, just letting her be
and she has rlly intense chemistry with this one boy in the group?? like its immediate and maia’s dated a little bit but she’s p intense, scares ppl off p often but this boy isnt intimidated, seems to see right through her, seems to see that she’s angry bc she’s scared of a lot, that she’s not as hard and sharp as she acts
and he likes her and she likes him so they get together and maia feels so normal?? like for a hot second she just feels like a regular kid and its so addictive that feeling, she’s not willing to give it up. and her bf is so sweet at first, texts her a couple times a day and calls her after school and brings her snacks when they meet up at the park
i’m putting this under the cut bc the subject matter can be v triggering, pls check the tags and pls pls pls dont read this if any of the warnings apply to you. be safe, i love you
and then, bc it starts so calmly, so carefully, she doesnt rlly worry when it starts to change, when he starts telling her that she’s exhausting, that her negativity is killing him. like?? she already thinks that abt herself, knows she’s intense and moody and angry more often than she’s not, knows she’s a lot to handle, already thinks she’s too Much. so she changes a little, stops venting to him, starts bottling it up again. then its him blaming her for arguments they have, so she tries hard to not start any. then its demanding that she text him back immediately, even when he’s texting her hundreds of times in a day, so she starts keeping her phone on her at all times. then its this, then its that and through it all, maia’s getting a little smaller, a little quieter, a little Less. she’s trying to fit herself into the box he’s drawing around her and she’s not happy with it but she loves him, right?? and he loves her?? he’s the only one that rlly understands her, he’s the only one that rlly cares how she’s feeling, even if sometimes he’s too upset with his own stuff to listen to her, even if sometimes he makes fun of her in front of their friends even when she tells him it makes her uncomfortable
and she hides this all from her moms for a long time, makes up excuses for why she’s missing family dinners and movie nights, says she’s just stressed, just tired. she avoids finn bc he’s always known her tells, avoids stella bc her little sister can literally see into ppl’s minds and she doesnt know why, but she doesnt want ppl to know abt her relationship. she avoids lena bc lena’s got this knack for figuring out when her kids are keeping secrets, avoids kara bc kara believes so wholeheartedly in her that it makes her feel set on edge. she keeps skipping school until it becomes a Problem, until the school calls her moms but they’re both in the middle of something, miss the call, so they call Emergency Contact #1 aka alex and alex is like ??? wtf like maia’s a bit of a hothead sometimes but she’s not reckless necessarily, especially when it comes to school, so she goes to campus, sees maia’s car and is like mmmmmm this is Wrong. so when maia comes back at the end of the day, alex is sitting on the hood of her car and is like hey. we’re going to talk.
and maia’s like.......rlly sensitive?? like somewhere deep down, she knows there’s something off about the situation, that’s why she’s so desperate to hide it, but she’s not like conscious of it, she just gets rlly defensive, gets rlly prickly, and she’s not great at hiding it when she’s displeased or upset but its so muted when alex confronts her and that, in of itself, is a giant fucking red flag bc maia should like?? be arguing, getting irritated like maia weirdly takes after alex in a lot of respects and alex Knows something’s wrong. so she kind of drops it bc maia’s just giving her this look like she’s begging her not to press too hard
like obviously alex doesnt Drop It, she just backs off maia directly for a bit, goes over her head to kara and lena and they’re like SHIT this makes a lot of things make sense and its like, ok, we can handle this
FALSE
maia reacts v badly when her moms sit her down to like.....gently ask what the fuck is happening. like there’s a lot sort of just simmering below the surface, like her bf has been rlly difficult recently and she’s stressed abt that and she’s angry that alex found out, that alex told her moms, she’s angry that she’s getting called on it, that it feels like the only time she gets attention is when she’s fucked up, and it all comes to a head during this one moment. like. it’s the worst fight any of the kiddos have ever had with their moms. like maia’s full out screaming at them and they’re just completely caught off guard bc there’s usually some lead up?? something that builds to a meltdown but nope, not this time, she goes zero to one hundred in a blink and stella and finn are just like hunkered down upstairs, staring at each other like HOLY SHIT maia never yells at moms like that
like its awful, terrible but it kind of makes things better for a while?? like maia screams it all out, her anger, her feeling of being left out, how hurt she feels sometimes, all the things that she’s never let her moms know and then its kind of like. oh. its over now.
and things get a little better after that?? maia takes the inevitable grounding with no argument, but that is like......Another Problem. like maia without any fight?? with no indignant anger??? that’s a maia that none of them have ever encountered and it sets everyone on edge, how quiet maia is, how small she makes herself. but there’s no like?? cause as far as anyone but maia can see. so her moms are a bit more careful with her, her siblings are a little more gentle, kara and lena go out of their way to arrange things to do with maia on her own, to make sure she feels seen and included but by this point, her boyfriend’s been filling her head with really toxic shit, feeding into her venting and solidifying the idea that she’s less than her siblings in someway, so even their best efforts are shrugged off. maia has a million excuses prepped and ready for why she can’t make it to the planetarium with lena, why she has to miss stella’s soccer game, why she turns kara down when she offers to go flying, just the two of them. she’s become a great liar, really, was always a little clumsy with out and out lies when she was a child but now she’s almost as good as stella
speaking of stella. she sees him first. in maia’s mind, when she finally shows up to family game night and finn shouts a little bc they’re playing monopoly and maggie just bought the property he wanted and maia doesnt so much flinch as she does freeze for one, nearly imperceptible moment and stella sees this face, this boy in maia’s mind but he’s smiling?? and she brushes it off at the moment, but it nags at her for a while until she’s asked maia to help braid her hair for her seventh grade dance and they’re up in maia’s room, out of lena’s hearing and kara’s out on a supergirl mission so stella sort of asks are you dating anyone? and there’s that freeze again, that moment and stella feels the dilemma as maia navigates it, as she decides if she should lie when stella will definitely be able to tell, and then finally maia says kind of quietly yeah, i am and then stella’s asking for details, when’d they meet, does he go to school with maia, when is she going to introduce him to the family and maia just shuts her down. switches subjects in a manner that is v final and stella’s not going to push, she’s never been one to push
but now maia’s thinking about it and there’s no way stella’s going to be able to keep this a secret from their moms for very long, so she bites the bullet, tells them in a v blunt way
quite literally walks into the kitchen one morning and is like hey. im dating someone and then just runs out the room before anyone can say anything else
so obviously kara and lena are like ??? ok!! we wanna meet them!! invite them over for dinner!! and maia’s like SHIT i didnt think this through but she cant tell them no straight out without them being like why, whats going on, so she says she’ll invite him and so she mentions it to her bf the next time she sees him and he’s like Upset and Hurt that she wants to burst their little bubble, but he “loves her enough to meet her family” (said with a sigh and a glare that has maia shrinking, apologizing)
so he comes round for dinner and stella’s the one that gets to the door before maia, that pulls it open to meet her sister’s mystery man and she immediately gets a bad vibe from him. like straight off the bat, she looks him up and down and is like No but then maia’s pushing her to the side and pulling him into the house and stella’s just sort of standing there like This is Wrong, I Dont Like This, just trails them after a moment, follows them into the kitchen where everyone’s doing the whole meet n greet thing, the Boyfriend is presenting the flowers he brought and keeping one hand around maia’s waist and he’s shaking hands with finn and smiling all wide and bright and smug, as if he’s already won something and all stella can hear from maia is please like him please like him please like him which wouldn’t be super weird??? but there’s this intense desperation behind it that sets stella on edge
so when she gets the chance, when finn’s chatting with maia and her bf, stella pulls her moms into the kitchen and tells them what she feels, that something is Wrong. and like??? she doesnt have the words for it bc she’s thirteen and hasn’t ever really been exposed to anything like this, but she knows this guy is a bad dude and she says as much and kara and lena are like shit okay our empath/mind reader of a daughter is getting Bad Vibes, we should keep an eye on him, so they do the entire night and its like. there arent any red flags or anything, isnt any bad behavior, but maia is too tense and this dude is too smooth and they’ve both??? been through this??? can see the subtle signs?? can see the way maia freezes a little when this boy puts his arm around her, the way she keeps watching him out of the corner of her eye, how she’ll switch subjects if there’s even the slightest change in his expression like.........maia’s never been a jumpy person, has always been sure footed and confident since she was very little, and kara’s got kill bill sirens going in her head and lena’s got this sick feeling in her stomach, stella’s sitting next to maia and refusing to move, glaring at her boyfriend whenever he’s looking a different direction and finn, godbless him, is looking from his moms to stella to maia sitting so stiffly on the couch, looking entirely uncomfortable in her home, in her own space and he catches stella’s eye, raises one eyebrow and then all he gets in like the in-mind version of all caps is stella just yelling BAD VIBE over and over again
so the night is tense to say the least and stella insists on maia sitting next to her at dinner, leaving her boyfriend sandwiched between finn and lena who both have like.........impressive death glares and maia’s getting more and more agitated, like pushing for the meal to wrap up quickly and it finally does, after her moms grilling this guy to get like a better grasp on the type of awful he is and maia’s like saying she’ll walk him out and kara and lena are both like we’ll come with you and maia’s like No but her bf just squeezes her shoulder and is like nah, it’s fine with this smarmy smile and stella’s still glaring but now finn’s glaring too
so he leaves finally and he reels maia in for a kiss that she v obviously is uncomfortable with so kara like straightens to her full height, crosses her arms and tells him she’s sure he needs to be home and he must sense somethings changed bc then he like just stops putting on a smile for kara and lena, turns fully to maia and tells her to call him tonight and maia sort of nods quickly, seems intent on just getting him to leave, get out of her mother’s view
as soon as he drives away, maia’s like speed walking to the house and trying to run up the stairs, to her phone, but kara kind of catches her hand and is like hey. we need to talk about something. and maia’s like ?? can it wait, i need to text him and stella’s like um he just left, which is when lena shoos the other kiddos out of the house, handing finn some cash and telling him to take stella to get ice cream. so then its just them and maia and maia’s fidgety, wont keep eye contact for very long and kara mentions that, mentions how maia’s changed over the last few months and lena’s saying that they’re worried for her, about her, worried that maybe this boy isn’t healthy for her and maia’s like what do you guys know, he loves me and then lena's explaining darling i've been there, i know what you're feeling, but this isn't love and you deserve better and kara’s thinking about that one time maia came home with a bruise (thanks to the supplement, she can bruise) and she said she got it in gym but now kara’s wondering and they’re being v gentle, asking if she’s happy, asking if he’s kind to her and maia so desperately knows they’re right on some level but that’s buried v deep down and she doesnt want to have to drag it to the surface so she just........flips out
like screams and cries and leaves, storms out and flies away before the conversation can get too far, just yells that she cant believe theyre trying to ruin the one good thing in her life trying to take away the one person that actually give a shit about her
and she flies to meet up with bf at his place and is telling him about their fight and he's like yeah your moms are fucked up, we're in love obviously, they just dont want to see you happy, they like your brother and sister more like all this really toxic shit that he's been feeding her for months, slowly poisoning her against her family and friends
but now she's got this seed of doubt at the back of her head like wait my mothers were really great when i was a kid, did they really change?
is this love or was i just happy for attention?
my moms always tell us that no matter what we do, as long as we're happy and safe they'll support it and they've never proven that wrong right?
so she's having a crisis and he's like pushing to have sex (it's not their first time, and it's not the first time he's had to convince her) and maia's like wait no i need a minute let me riddle this thing out
and he's getting like majorly pouty and upset like right, pick them over me, leave me just like everyone else and maia's staring at him like what the fuck and so she says as much, says that her moms do love her and he’s like ?? really maia? and it goes from there, turns into an argument and he’s saying some really awful things to her
and he’s in the middle of telling her that she’s nothing, that she should be grateful he’s wasting his energy and time trying to fix her when kara breaks the door and says flatly whoops and lena marches in and essentially tells this guy to fuck off (actually she quite literally tells him to fuck off, how dare you speak to my daughter like that) as she wraps an arm around maia and guides her out and maia’s sort of shellshocked?? like shit. shit holy shit
she just like. breaks down in the car. like the moment lena’s pulled the door closed behind them, maia’s just falling apart in a way that lena’s never seen her, like shaking and rocking and full body sobs and kara’s still inside the boys house, having a Talk but then she hears maia’s crying and is just like. you’re garbage, we’re going to ruin your life before she leaves
maia cries most of the night. like suddenly everything bad that’s been happening is at the forefront of her mind but her self esteem is so shattered, she’s just blaming herself. she has like?? three panic attacks and her moms stay with her through it all, keeping her tucked between them, petting her hair and telling her that none of this is her fault, that they’re sorry for not seeing what was happening. when finn and stella come back, they follow the sound of sobbing up to their moms room, drop everything to join the cuddle pile that’s happening. stella tucks herself right next to maia, takes her hands and as much of her pain as she can, tries to give her as much peace as she can. and finn’s never been so close to violence in his life, feels an itch in his fists that is entirely unfamiliar, finds himself struggling to be in the same room with maia bc she’s his little sister??? he’s supposed to keep her safe, you know??
it’s a hard night. it is. maia cant sleep, just keeps crying, keeps sobbing out that he’s good, he is, it’s her fault, so no one sleeps that night, they all stay up and try and find something, anything to make it better for her
and thankfully it’s just nearly break, so kara calls their schools, says there’s been a family emergency and the kids wont be in for the last couple days of term, calls works and says much the same for her, and lena calls in to request all meetings be postponed until further notice, to take a leave of absence. stella won’t leave maia’s side even when the bags under stella’s eyes get too deep, when it becomes clear this is taking too much of a toll on her to keep acting as a sponge for maia’s turmoil, for her pain. maia’s her big sister and they fight a lot but she knows all the shit maia’s done for her, loves her sister enough to bear some of the burden.
lena finds the number for her old therapist, the one she saw when she finally realized her first relationship had been emotionally abusive. they’ve retired, but they recommend someone for maia. kara v quietly lets alex and maggie know whats going on, grabs alex’s hand when she breaks and god, alex feels so guilty, feels like she should have known, seen it, done more. they dont tell anyone else, decide to leave it up to maia if she wants to give out specifics to anyone else in the family, but they do tell the rest of the superfriends that maia’s going through something right now
and through these awful first weeks, maia’s ex keeps calling her, texting her and she always reaches for the phone, so finally finn takes it when she’s napping, goes to the deo and asks winn to reroute incoming calls from this number to go through his phone first. he starts picking up the calls, switches off with stella to threaten the guy, tell him in no uncertain terms that he’s never coming near their sister again
and maia’s?? not handling well. she’s doing as well as can be expected, i guess, but there are some days where she’s okay-ish and can be logical and removed enough to acknowledge that there were unhealthy dynamics (she wont call it abuse, refuses the term for now), but most days she cycles between sobbing and saying she loves him, misses him, wondering if he’s okay without her and other times she’s angry and tells everyone that its their fault he’s ignoring her now
the therapy helps?? it helps a lot actually, not only with this but with her anger issues and other stuff too. it also helps repair her relationship with her moms, who are honestly so so steadfast in their support like kara or lena always pick her up after therapy bc she’s always a little raw afterwards, shouldnt rlly be alone, and one time its kara and maia walks out, gets into the car and says rlly abruptly that her therapist thinks she should do group sessions with her moms separately and kara doesnt even hesitate, she’s just like yes okay what day what time, i’ll text lena to let her know her session
it takes like a Long time for maia to feel even a tenth like her old self. like a Loooooong time. but she eventually does and that’s mostly due to how good her moms and siblings are in the aftermath. like kara and lena both have been where she’s been so they know what to say, how to say, what not to do and they’re so careful to walk this delicate tightrope where they make it clear that this guy was bad for maia but also acknowledging that she was in love with him, that she was v invested in this relationship
and when they go back to school, there’s some rumors bc its high school, but finn sort of fills in maia’s friends a little and they step the fuck up, circle around her and protect her as fiercely as she’s always protected them and finn runs interference whenever it looks like someone might give her shit for the way her ex has mysteriously been stripped of his scholarship to his school, or how his sat cheating scheme was somehow uncovered (*finger guns* uncle winn to the rescue)
stella’s room shares a wall with maia’s; their beds line up with the other bc when they were younger, they used to tap morse code to one another. maia, even as she grew older, never bothered to move it, so stella’s in close proximity to maia every night, close enough that any strong emotion maia feels is enough to wake her up, so whenever maia’s having a crying jag and cant get out of bed to get kara or lena, its stella that comes to her, crawls up beside her v carefully and presses all the softness, all the warmth and peace she carries inside her to maia, tries to give her as much of a break as she can manage, just enough for maia to sleep
it fucks them all up for a rlly long time. like. a Rlly long time. maia has to work through everything she’s been through, has to slowly relearn herself, build up her belief in herself and trust in others. her family has to process the guilt they carry, the grief for all the pain maia’s gone through. its hard, but they love each other and they come through it together, bruised but intact, still whole, still a family
#this is rlly heavy im sorry#supergirl#supercorp#kara danvers#lena luthor#superbabies#emotional abuse cw#panic attacks cw#um#abuse cw#verbal abuse cw#im trying desperately to cover all my bases#this is heavily influenced by my own shitty relationships#which are not the barometer for all emotional abuse#but this was a highly personal thing to write and i felt it needed to be addressed#in a manner that is respectful but realistic#emotional abuse fucks u up#if you're going through it or have gone through it#i love you#i hope you're in a good place#or i hope you get to one soon#anonymous#human interaction
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Answers
so i was asked to answer all of these so here i gooooooo!!!!~… kms… ;u;
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1. Who was the last person you held hands with?
uhhhhmmm i dont really hold hands cause i over heat and the get clammy easily, so the last person i “held hands”/ linked arms with was actually at Anime Boston with this rad dude Jay, we were cosplaying Keith and Lance from Voltron. it was a good day, but we were tired as fuck.
2. Are you outgoing or shy?
kinda both depends on the situation and who im around tbh
3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?
in general or like famous??? uhhhmmm, if we’re going in general tbh me rad ass mate Jay cause why wouldnt I be looking forward to seeing this kid??? hes literally the best thing or person to see ever, duh! and if were going famous??? uhhhmmm music wise either Panic! At The Disco, TOP, orrrrr maybe a tie between some one from the Hamilton, or Heahters musicals.
4. Are you easy to get along with?
again depends on the situation and people. over all id say yeah in some way.
5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?
uhmmm idk because we’d both probably be shit faced and tumbling over each other screaming, incoherently and laughing our asses off. While simultaneously getting into 20 different fights over cheese, bread, and cats. Then crying about video games and anime. probably in the midst of this we’d be laughing and patting each other’s back telling each other how good of a bro the other is an how we’re gonna take over the world by the sheer brute force of dogs and cats
6. What kind of people are you attracted to?
uhhhhmmm i dont really have a type but there’s a guy i like alot whos my dream guy tbh, and to me hes perfect in alot and pretty much every single way. ºuº
7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?
probably not but its nice to hope and dream c:
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?
either rn my friend Casey cause shes in spain this week for vacation or my childhood bestfriend Liz cause her birthday just pasted on april 7th and i havent seen her in years.
9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
depends on who im with and what exactly kinda stuff were talking about. but im always awkard af with everything so im always uncomftorble.
10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
mi boi Jay!!~ we tend to get into deep conversation alot. i enjoy it alot tbh hahaha.
11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?
(when i got to this quesion)
WE WILL BE TRASH GODS!!!~
12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?
UHMMM pass cause honestly the whole entirety of Heathers and Hamilton pretty much.
13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?
OMFG HELL YEAH I DO!!!!!!!~
14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?
yeah man thats always been something i believe in because i have the most terrible luck but i like to believe miracles have happened in my life.
15. What good thing happened this summer?
i started the change in my social life and i got a really rad friend through the beginning phase of it!
16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
uhmmm ive only done pecks cause im fucking looser so that was Jay, so hell yeah i would man hahaha! (hes got a kissable face its nice alright, i swear im not this fucking awkward XD) ((and bro i know youll end up reading this. i love ya man!! i hope this isnt too bad lol~))
17. Do you think there is life on other planets?
fuck yeah i do bro. i wanna befriend at least one of them tbh.
18. Do you still talk to your first crush?
not really cause the kid left after 5th grade and i never saw him again,
19. Do you like bubble baths?
fuck yes.
20. Do you like your neighbors?
i dont really talk to them haha.
21. What are you bad habits?
i have alot, talking to much and fighting HARD during a fight, and having the worst timing for smart ass comments, and trying to change things i cant change too much. theres more but thats a good few.
22. Where would you like to travel?
everywhere and anywhere tbh
23. Do you have trust issues?
a bit ive more developed them because of shitty people
24. Favorite part of your daily routine?
either shower or the part where i come home and either draw, eat, play video games, get to text my boi, or where i get to sleep.
25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?
my nose, the corners of my mouth or my big toes.
26. What do you do when you wake up?
text my friend good morning or get up and play with my mouse for a few minutes
27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?
i enjoy my skin tone but i wish i could tan ith out burning although, ive always wanted to either be albino or see what its like to be darker.
28. Who are you most comfortable around?
either Jay, or my friend Casey
29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?
nope because i dont talk to them XD
30. Do you ever want to get married?
at some point maybe haha
31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?
almost but the sides and some of my bangs are just a teeny bit off from making it :u:
32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?
uhmm not really any tbh theyre all to much older than me
33. Spell your name with your chin.
alyxx/ nyxx
34. Do you play sports? What sports?
ew no but i like swimming and to go on walks for fun
35. Would you rather live without TV or music?
thats hard cause i need both for background noise
36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?
not really, i dont think so
37. What do you say during awkward silences?
something really stupid and half the time really provocative
38. Describe your dream girl/guy?
ahhhh hahaha well i dont really know because the guy im crushing on is my dream guy js. and if i were to try and describe him id butcher the amazing and astounding beauty of the real person to be honest
39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?
ahhhh idk, lush?? and anything with food tbh
40. What do you want to do after high school?
die, or move to salem WITCHever comes first -u0 lol (bad pun i know i know)
41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
i belive in ALOT of chances tbh
42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?
either im tired, extremely sad/depressed, overthinking/ thinking, focusing, thinking how to reply something or im REALLY fucking pissed off at you for something.
43. Do you smile at strangers?
REALLY FUCKING AWKWARDLY AND IN REALLY FUCKING AWKWARD SITUATIONS
44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?
UHHHHHH BOTH!!!!!~ TF?
45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?
THE INPENDING FEAR AND DOOM OF CRIPPLING ANXIETY IF I MISS THE BUS OR if im hanging out wiht someone that day the motivation of not being alone in my room with myself for the whole day or so hahaha, or a con/ meet up which applies to friends.
46. What are you paranoid about?
AAAHAHAHAHAHA IS THAT EVEN A QUESTION???? fucking everything…
47. Have you ever been high?
yes
48. Have you ever been drunk?
buzzed not drunk
49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?
uhhh i dont think so im not really very secretive. maybe like PERSONAL shit but no
50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?
Grey
51. Ever wished you were someone else?
a few times
52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?
uhmmm either eye color and nose Physically.and personality wise i wish i wasnt so stubborn tbh.
53. Favourite makeup brand?
lush is the closest thing to makeup i use hunny
54. Favourite store?
lush
55. Favourite blog?
@thedevilandhisfiddleofgold c;
56. Favourite colour?
Blue
57. Favourite food?
uhmmm theres too many to list, all?? except spicy
58. Last thing you ate?
a cracker with nutella on it
59. First thing you ate this morning?
a cinnamon powdered sugar doughnut
60. Ever won a competition? For what?
nope
61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?
Suspending, accused of stealing shitty locker wallpaper panels. THAT I ACCTUALLY FUCKING HADNT ;U;
62. Been arrested? For what?
nope
63. Ever been in love?
YES ;-;
64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?
never fucking had one kiddies sorry no story time for this one
65. Are you hungry right now?
kinda i want chips
66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?
uhm my only tumblr friends are friends in real life so not really because how do you like someone more on tumblr than you like them in real life??? not like its impossible its just odd.
67. Facebook or Twitter?
neither tbh, i only use my facebook for my work schedule
68. Twitter or Tumblr?
TUMBLR
69. Are you watching tv right now?
yes i started 13 reasons why
70. Names of your bestfriends?
jay, casey, liz (ranked most to least interaction and tbh who ive talked to most recently, those other two loosers never text me)
71. Craving something? What?
chips, cookies, FOOD, and love, BUT MOSTLY FOOD RN
72. What colour are your towels?
we have mostly white and black towels but theyre all just multicolored
72. How many pillows do you sleep with?
(im also counting my stuffed animals as pillows)
at least 11 tbh
73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
(refer to last question)
74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?
9
75. Favourite animal?
wolf, fox, raven, snowleopard, cat, snake (i cant choose)
76. What colour is your underwear?
black like my soul bitch
77. Chocolate or Vanilla?
vanilla
78. Favourite ice cream flavour?
birthday cake or cotton candy/ bubblegum
79. What colour shirt are you wearing?
black
80. What colour pants?
dark grey
81. Favourite tv show?
uhmmmm Voltron or steven universe
82. Favourite movie?
heathers and the crow
83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?
Mean Girls
84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?
havent seen the second one (refer to previous question)
85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?
the lebanese chick and the gay guy that were friends with lindsay lohan’s character
86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?
thats a hard question cause i love them all ;-;
87. First person you talked to today?
Jay (and caiden???) i sent a message to a group chat right after i woke up, i was pointed at Jay but theyre both in that chat
88. Last person you talked to today?
same chat
89. Name a person you hate?
ahha ahhahaha hahahaha, mmmmm theres alot
90. Name a person you love?
Jay, Casey, my pets
91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?
better question… is there not????
92. In a fight with someone?
i dont think so but im aboutabe casue they wont give me times on if theyre coming tomorrow or not ;-;
93. How many sweatpants do you have?
2 and a pair of sweat pants i made into shorts
94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?
hehehe at least 6 or 7. tbh my attack on titan one has been issing for a while and it makes me sad
95. Last movie you watched?
heathers, im not saying the technical last one cause it was gross as fuck and doe not count as a movie to me
96. Favourite actress?
ehhh hellena bonham carter
97. Favourite actor?
johnny depp
98. Do you tan a lot?
not really cause i burn and im afraid of getting skin cancer
99. Have any pets?
2 guinea PIGS and a mouse
100. How are you feeling?
alright kinda missing my friends and also kind anxious
101. Do you type fast?
depends on my mood, what im typing on, and about
102. Do you regret anything from your past?
so.. many… things…
103. Can you spell well?
fairly decently i think, average nothing over the top but i try haha
104. Do you miss anyone from your past?
ehhh Liz and my friend Julia from Germany she was cool.
105. Ever been to a bonfire party?
nope
106. Ever broken someone’s heart?
there was a girl named shannon who was all over me and head over heels for me, she mightve been a taurus. she tried to use some serious mental shit to try and get me to stay. i told her to seek professional help and not me.
107. Have you ever been on a horse?
nope
108. What should you be doing?
a 10 page paper and finishing final fantasy, and getting more loot boxes in overwatch
109. Is something irritating you right now?
not really knowing what to do with my senior paper, shop friends, being alone, and not having enough hours in the day and always being fucking tired.
110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?
yes, i do right now, tbh, but its cool
111. Do you have trust issues?
this was already asked. slightly it depends on the person
112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?
no one, mentally and close to physiccally jay and caiden, but im always mentally crying. i dont physically cry if i do youre special, im not that soft.
113. What was your childhood nickname?
Ash
114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?
i was born in pittsburgh, pa. i lived in townsend, ma and i just recently moved to pepperrel, ma.
115. Do you play the Wii?
not any more
116. Are you listening to music right now?
not really
117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?
yes
118. Do you like Chinese food?
YAS
119. Favourite book?
how to make the perfect boy?? (its something like that) i also really enjoyed mrs. perigrines home for peculiar children.
120. Are you afraid of the dark?
im afraid of what might be in it
121. Are you mean?
i can be
122. Is cheating ever okay?
ew not wtf
123. Can you keep white shoes clean?
probably not
124. Do you believe in love at first sight?
kinda but only to an extent
125. Do you believe in true love?
again kinda but only to an extent tbh
126. Are you currently bored?
a bit
127. What makes you happy?
chilling with jay, playing wiht my animal or sleeping
128. Would you change your name?
i want to, im trying to get Alyxx as my name hahah but i have a genius way to keep ASH
129. What your zodiac sign?
GEMINI BIATCH!!!!~
130. Do you like subway?
yeah its alright
131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
uhhhh hahah i already dated my childhood bestfriend. Liz was chill but id kindly turn her down
132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?
already answered this up top, but Jay
133. Favourite lyrics right now?
hmmmm i have too many tbh, id love to put one here but i cant think of a good one atm sorry my dudes
134. Can you count to one million?
maybe but im to lazy to fam
135. Dumbest lie you ever told?
hahaha ive told too many to put those down
136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?
CLOSED OMFG NO #TRIGGERED
137. How tall are you?
5′5.25″ ( THAT QUARTER IS IMPORTANT ;u;, believe it or not i had=ve alot of friends that are taller than me)
138. Curly or Straight hair?
wavy-ish
139. Brunette or Blonde?
i myself am a “brunette”
140. Summer or Winter?
kinda both
141. Night or Day?
ehh more night but i enjoy both
142. Favourite month?
either, October, November, December, and i actually am not a fan of my birth month may haha
143. Are you a vegetarian?
nope but ive thought about becoming one to cleanse and to get in better shape kinda reasons
144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?
milk and white
145. Tea or Coffee?
both
146. Was today a good day?
ehhh kinda
147. Mars or Snickers?
snickers but i wanna try a mars bar
148. What’s your favourite quote?
hahah either
“ another fucking heather! -sighs- Our love is god let’s go get a slushie!”
-JD “Heathers”
( i relate most to the heather part tbh)
“ill hook ‘em…” “..and ill cook ‘em!”
-Roadhog and Junkrat “Overwatch”
( YEAH I KNOW IM TRASH BUT ITS A PRECIOUS QUOTE BETWEEN TO REALLY GOOD BEST MATES OKAY!!!??)
149. Do you believe in ghosts?
WHOLE HEARTEDLY, IVE SEEN THEM, IVE FELT THEM, IVE HEARD THEM, TALKED TO THEM, I RESPECT THE SHIT OUT OF THEM AND THEY ARE KINDA SLIGHTLY TERRIFYING BUT I LOVE THEM!
150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?
“WOW MAGNUS, you’re probably thinking. That was… stupid!”
Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard
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1-100 go!!!
Sunrise or sunset? The only reason I see a sunrise is because I have been up all night, so I guess sunsets
Are you mentally ill? Oh god here we go
Are you physically ill? I don’t think so, I just take shitty care of myself
What is the most expensive thing you have bought? Concert tickets
Do you have a job? Technically? even though Im off until next May
Are you in school? Yes :(
Are you a dropout? not yet
Are you in college? yes
Introvert or extrovert? Introverted to the point it impedes my life.
What do you think when you look at your body? “I wish…” something about changing it.
What have others said when they look at your body? How would I know? Probably like ‘that girl shouldn’t be wearing a bikini’
Do you have a particular song that you feel deeply? Lots.
Talk about a time in your life where you have felt most alive? i have no idea. probably doing something as a kid.
Are you confident wearing a bikini? lol i answered that other question before seeing this one - no.
Can you look people in the eyes while talking? Sure.
Has anything terrible happened to you? Yes.
Has anything wonderful happened to you? I guess.
Favorite part of your personality? I am not easily offended
Least favorite part of your personality? All of it? I’m depressed im anxious im insecure im stubborn im easily angered im moody im dependent im clingy
Favorite part of your body? I don’t have an answer for this in a physical manner, so my favorite part is that it still functions through what it has been through (And what I put it through)
Least favorite part of your body? Stomach I guess? I don’t like any part of me.
Favorite quote? “What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly”
Do you have friendships with all genders? Sure
Do you have a good relationship with your father? I guess
Do you have a good relationship with your mother? Now, yes.
Do you have a good relationship with your siblings? This implies i have siblings.
Have you ever been hurt physically or mentally by a family member? Yes.
Have you ever had a near death experience? I don’t think so. Car accidents, yes, but my injuries were not that serious.
Do you know anyone who has taken their own life? Yes. Both personal & followings.
Have you ever tried to take your own life? Yes & no. Ive committed harm to myself with suicidal thoughts, but I feel like if I 100% knew I wanted to end my life I would have. There was always doubt.
Biggest lie you have told? “Yeah, Im okay, just tired”
Do you follow any conspiracies? I love conspiracy theories but usually don’t believe them
Do you believe in a New World Order? I believe in the possibility.
Do you respect your government and the way your country is run? Oh man you can tell these are questions for a worldwide audience. NO.
Is there currently any strife in your country? Listen to a Trump speech.
Have you ever been displaced within your country? Not on an individual level.
Are your friendships healthy? sure?
Are you currently fighting with a friend? No but I also don’t have many friends.
Are you jealous of a friend? Why? Im jealous of anyone who isnt me honestly.
Do you believe in the Illuminati? Why the hell not.
Do you think any celebrities are associated with the Illuminati? Who? Probably (Im looking at you Beyonce lol)
How can people tell you are nervous? Im sweating, sorry everyone, I keep my answers brief if spoken to.
How can people tell you are sad? Im quiet. im angry sounding
Do you ever express your true feelings? No.
Regrets in your life? Not trying harder or participating when I could.
Achievements in your life? Im still here?
What did people say about you in school? I don’t think people said anything. I kinda didnt exist.
What did you say about people in school? Again, not much, I had my group of friends and tended to stick with them and only them.
Is there something you have never told anyone? Sure
Have you committed an illegal act? Ive smoked pot?
If you had two days to spend one million dollars how would you spend it? Pay my tuition and then still owe money
What were your aspirations at age 5, 10, 15, 18? Probably to like pet cats? To be a scientist, to be dead probably, then to go to college? I didnt want to but felt like i had to.
Describe your first kiss? Was it how you imagined? I am sure i imagined some romantic thing but it was just in his doorway as I left his house.
Growing up were you in a wealthy, average, or low income household? Average.
Are you from a broken marriage? im from a broken never-married
Have you been raised by a solo parent? No, I lived with both parents until i was 17.
Do you know both your parents? yes
What colour eyes, hair and skin do you have? Brown, Brunette, white.
Have you abused drugs or alcohol? No.
What languages can you speak? English
Do you conform to your societies standards? Not really.
Do you cry often? Yes
Do you tell people what you think of them? No, but I don’t talk to many people to have an opinion of.
Are you comfortable accepting compliments? No
Are you comfortable giving compliments? Sure
Is any mental illness hindering your life? Uhm every single fucking day of my life.
Is any physical illness hindering your life? I guess my vertigo prevents me from going in things that move? ie roller coasters, boats
Do you keep up with current events? Not really. Just from social media
What’s the latest news in the world you have heard/read? Trump being an asshole, what else is new
What have you done today? Studied a little but got distracted by this lol
Do you sleep well? Once i am asleep, I sleep fine. falling asleep is the problem.
Do you sleep badly? ^^
Have you ever hurt anyone because you were hurting? All the time
Has anyone ever hurt you because they were hurting? Maybe?
Have you ever had to end a friendship/relationship? Why? No, people always end their relationship/friendship with me. I dont blame them
Have you ever stopped someone from hurting themselves? I have tried.
Has anyone ever stopped you from hurting yourself? Not really? Like in the moment? no, nobody ever knew.
Do you like your laugh? Its fine.
Are you preparing for an apocalypse? And what kind? No, let it kill me
Do you have any funny family stories? ‘funny’? not really. I have a second cousin? Who is a doctor and for some reason has had an ongoing joke since I was little that he is going to remove my spleen? is that funny?
Are you religious? No.
Do you like to watch true crime shows or movies? #CriminalMinds #RIPWalker
Are you interested in cults? They are interesting but Im not exactly looking into joining one? lol
Would you like to raise a family in your country? No but i will never have the courage to leave
List some things you wanted in your childhood but never got? family stability
Is there a large age gap between you and a sibling? I don’t have any siblings.
Are you from a blended family? No. just a broken one.
Do you believe in marriage? Why/Why not? Yes, because nobody else in my life does.
What is the nicest thing anyone has said to you? Calling me strong? saying I dont give up? Like i give up every day and everything affects me, Im not strong
Do you keep a journal? As a kid i did.
Would anyone be hurt by reading it? no, but don’t tell Jacob I had a crush on him in 5th grade
Do you have children? No
Have you been pregnant? No
List your favorite movies? A Beautiful Mind, Memento, The Breakfast Club, Dr. Strange.
List your favorite people? @x-i-a-t & @reddragon8000
Talk about the birthmarks and scars on your body? I think I have a birth mark on my hip thats very faint, and all of my scars have honestly faded at this point that they are basically gone.
Do you look after yourself? Not at all lol
Do you put yourself or others first? others.
Are you happy today? Im not extra sad, so Im as close as i can get.
Are you loved? I think so.
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im so tired of media not knowing how to write “morally grey” villains
like. it’s so tiring.
im not into marvel anymore but i feel like the mcu is the best example of this possible because there are like 30-whatever movies and as far as im aware the only times they managed to pull off the morally grey thing were with thor and black panther. and thor is a stretch because loki isnt even a villain really. AND the only reason it works with those two is because loki is so fucking pathetic you end up feeling bad for him more than anything else because he’s constantly outclassed by everyone around him, and killmonger’s whole thing is “fuck these people who oppressed me and took everything from me, and fuck those other people who just sat on their asses and let it happen” which is pretty easy to sympathize/empathize with.
but thats it. 30-whatever movies and you get like. one and a half actually morally grey villains. the rest try Really Hard to seem morally grey until they just give up and decide it’s too much work. like how in the second spiderman movie the villains are people who got genuinely fucked over by iron man and were angry that iron man gave a bunch of powerful technology to a high schooler (which is a completely reasonable thing to be angry about since peter almost nukes his class by accident like 2 minutes after he starts trying to use it??) but then! the writers realize they made the villains right about too many things! so lets have jake gyllenhaal have a megalomaniac meltdown and then actively try to murder a bunch of minors in cold blood several times. and just in case that’s not enough, now that the audience knows he’s a Villain, we’ll make sure to actively establish he doesn’t care about the lives of civilians anymore! that was close, guys! we almost had a relatable villain!
like they even tried to make THANOS, the dude who committed universe-wide genocide, morally grey in the first fucking infinity war movie. he gets like a whole ass 20 minutes talking about his tragic backstory or whatever, and obviously anyone with a brain cell wouldnt be drawn in by that, but the movie really makes it seem like you should be??? like the fact that the movie even bothers trying to explain his actions when his actions are literally “gain a body count higher than there are numbers to count it with” is so fucking bizarre, especially when said movie is like 3 hours long and had to be split into two parts. i dont WANT to understand the guy who does that, why are you wasting time in an already packed movie to explain it to me??
and even at the start of endgame they make it seem like the heroes are just harassing some old retired farmer dude instead of getting revenge on the guy whose body count is literally unfathomable?? and then by the end of endgame theyre like “lol just kidding he’s a tyrant and he treats his underlings like shit. he’s inexplicably Full Evil Again and youre just gonna deal with that. what tragic backstory?? remember how this guy abuses his daughters? we’d never try to justify THAT guys actions :)” like. what was even the point of the first movie then??? hello??
like its such a problem in so many media its BAFFLING to me. genuinely if youre going to do this shit then i’d rather the villains just be inexplicably evil right from the start. ive heard a ton of bad shit about the new star wars movies but at least i havent heard anything about them trying to retroactively make palpatine sympathetic.
#morally grey#mcu#I GUESS#the random things my brain decides to have an internal rant about for 10 minutes are truly beyond me
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alcoholic dad
i found out that my dad is an alcoholic. he has been one for 20 years. my fathers story is very complex, but basically when he was in his mid 20s he got punched in the face in the middle of a train and his brain got “slightly” damaged (as in he didnt fucking die). his frontal lobe got kinda messed up, so he makes a lot of actions impulsively . and he’s reaaaallly bad at managing stuff like money and planning stuff like trips. for example, if you tell him to buy 1L of milk in the grocery store he’ll buy 3. because of that, my mom always makes the decisions, thay always have to pay the bills together and my mom needs to check if he isnt “wasting” any money as in giving it to the church (which doesnt need any money at all since we’re in fucking switzerland and the government funds the church). theres some stuff we dont know if he already had or if it was caused by that accident. nonetheless, my dad only told that to my mom when she was pregnant with me, the youngest of 2 children. of course, my mom couldnt just leave. she said, if he had said that before my brother and i were born, she would’ve left him. honsetly, i cant judge her, because he is disabled, kind of, so it would be really hard to build up a family with such a person (spoiler alert - it was). my dad is also really detatched from the world, like he lives in his own world. sometimes, when i was 1-3 and my brother 3-6, he would just leave the house with 0 warning and stay out for 7 hours without answering the phone. obviously, my mom would panic because she’d always think something bad happened to him but then, at the end of the day (literally), he would come back as if nothing had happened. he would do that constantly. until we moved out to brazil. this happened in 2007. i was 3, my brother 6. life there was really nice: my brother and i started kindergarten and prmary school, my mom was studying to make an exam which would allow her to work for some kind of fbi (receita federal). it was a really good job with a high salary, but she had to study hours a day. my dad was making a phd in something in germany but living in brazil. side note: he didnt put any effort to learn portuguese, search a job in brazil, anything. that was his passive-aggressive way to tell my mom that he didnt want to live in brazil and he wanted us to come back to switzerland. in 2010, after hours of hard work and study, my mom passed the exam and could work in rf. but then, my dad was depressed and said he wanted us to come back to switzerland. my mom says he wasnt actually depressed. honestly, depressed or not, he shouldnt have used that as an excuse to take us out of there and my mom after she had put on so much time to study for that exam. basically he didnt give a fuck about her. i feel really bad writing this because my mom really studied a lot and she wouldve been an excelent professional. flash forward, we move back to switzerland, this time in the italian part. my mom says she wanted to come here because of the language and because in this city theres a mountain that looks like pão de açúcar (sugar bread or whatever its called - that one in rio). obviously its not because of that, i assume its because she just didnt want to live in the german part since she was very discriminated and that lead to her hating the language and just the energy. and of course he didnt do anything to defend her. so we move here and my mom gets depression. i dont remember much of her being depressed, but i vividly remember calling her to watch some “family movies” but she would never come because she was in her room, precisely in her bed, depressed. she would sometimes sleep until midday, but since i was like 7 i didnt really mind or be worried. neither did my brother. side note: my dad is a really weak person: he doesnt tell what he thinks in your face, he has to drink to have the courage to tell my mom something when he’s angry at her. i think thats one of the worst things a man can do to their women, especially my mom, since her dad was an alcoholic. she tells me when she was 4 she used to be extremely afraid and embarassed of her father, and she doesnt remember him being sober. when she was 13 he eventually died and she and her siblings had to take care of the bills. long story short, she absolutely despised men who drank, and thats exactly what my dad did. of course he knew it btw. everytime he drank my mother would hide it, and in send him immediately to their room or just not argue with him. but one time, in summer, my brother was at a summer camp and i was at home with my mom. my dad came home drunk and i dont remmeber much but they started arguing. he wasnt aggressive at all but he was just talking nonsense and lock himself in the bathroom and cried? i dont know. i just remember him making wierd noises. anyways, my mom sent me to my friends house and i was really happy lol. that day, my mom was fed tf up, so she decided that the 3 of us would move back to brazil and my dad would stay here and visit us once in a while. once or twice a month. this was in 2013. from 2013 until 2017, we lived our best life. my dad would send the money from switzerland to brazil and it would multiply by 4 more or less since the dollar was pretty high, so it converted to the brazilian currency. we would eat out at restaurants every week, my mom would buy clothes every week (not too much because she knows how to control herself and she never buys what she doesnt need), have pilates lessons, have coffees with her friends, we would have lunch and dinner with our relatives. we were at home. my mom was at home, at her hometown. my dad would come visit us once every month. everything was going pretty good. of course we had problems, especially my brother, who struggled a lot in school since in brazil you have much more stuff to study and school is genuinely harder. in 2016, brazil’s president dilma rousseff got impeached and my mom already knew the political situation was only starting to go downhill. also, she didnt want my brother and i to do highschool there, so we came back to switzerland in january 2017. in the beginning, it was pretty shit for me and my brother, my class was shit and my classmates were a bunch of idiots. but at least i had some friends. things were going ok. once in a while my dad would come home with a wierd facial expression, talking a lot of nonsense and making random speeches but i would think nothiung of it, he probably just had a tiring day. flash forward to 2019, my dad is like that again, this time my mom actually tells us he drank. we are a little worried, but he’s not acting up or whatever, problem is, he drank some hours before we went to the aparmtment we were going to rent (in which we’re living right now). of course, he drank on purpose because he knew it would piss my mom off and she would be embarassed, but he doesnt give a fuck. thats his way of telling her he’s angry at her for whatever reason. flash forward to some weeks ago, july 2020, my dad drinks again. now, we already know thast he *sometimes* drinks, so were like “ffs he drank again”. but this time its a little different: my mom actually argues with him. they start a discussion because my mom was pissed that he was constantly drinking and said that she would leave him if he could, so he went outside and drank. anyways, they were arguing and then my dad started crying and slammed the door. we went there to try to talk to him, but as soon as my mom opened the door he pushed her using actual strength. if she hadnt had both of her feet stable on the ground, she wouldve fallen and probably hurt herself. he then proceeded to push me but i yelled back at him. i could feel the anger in his voice and how he pushed us. he slammed the door again and threw himself onto the bed face down and started loudly crying, it was just awful. my brother and i went to the kitchen and my mom told us to go there and try tzo talk to him. my brother sat on the bed and i laid against the door. my brother was trying to talk to him and i was cringing really hard.
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