#and ill add more as i think of it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jonphaedrus · 2 years

Text

some facts about my father, a perfectly ordinary human being:

got tenure in two years by getting two 2.5-million dollar grants from the government and he's now held that job for the longest time any faculty at his university has ever been tenured. literally almost longer than his entire school has existed.

he's won a fullbright...thrice.

speaks five languages (fluently: english, hebrew, russian; functionally: polish, dutch) and can get around in three others (german, japanese, and "pidgin arabic" whatever the fuck that means)

he was once locked inside the great pyramid at giza. on purpose.

one time i went to austin when he was out of town and when we got back to his house the only food in his fridge was 1) bulk family size cocktail shrimp from costco with all the shrimp eaten out of it and only the marinade left, 2) three boxes worth of frozen yoghurt bars, 3) two bags of frozen mini-wontons that expired two years earlier

has only one demand for his funeral and it's that while his casket is being lowered into the ground i make sure they play "whatever it is, i'm against it!" from the marx brothers film horse feathers

broke into (and out of) martial law poland in the early 80s and brought four hams in his back seat so he could spent six months living with his girlfriend, including a short period of time where he tried to drive from białystok to kraków in the middle of a blizzard, got lost, had no phone, no map, ran into the police, accidentally gave them his fake texas passport and almost got deported, bribed them with a ham, and then somehow ended up at his girlfriend's brother's apartment by complete happenstance and got blind drunk for a week

made friends with his assigned kgb agent in the 70s in russia

his car broke down in the middle of the sinai desert in the 70s and was saved from dying by a roaming passing band of bedouin car mechanics who took his entire car apart and put it back together and drove off without saying anything except "it works."

convinced me and one of my childhood best friends that he had found a way to time travel an hour into the future through the careful use of daylight savings, a radio station, a car clock, and the fact that he has never been on time for anything in his entire life

when he got his house renovated he decided that two attics and two cleverly hidden crawl spaces wasn't enough, so he added two more attics and another cleverly hidden crawl space, and i wish good luck to whatever poor schmuck (my cousin) has to sell his house someday.

broke his cherry-wood dining table under piles of papers...twice.

when in grad school, pretended to be a visiting russian statistics professor named "professor blowjob" (in russian) and somehow got away with this in order to teach a lecture on how s of x = f of n (sex is fun)

conned me into the belief that i had a magical color-changing guinea pig and kept this act up for literally a decade before admitting the truth

became a fellow on one of the yellow river restoration projects by making friends with an old man doing tai chi with a sword in a park in beijing. turned out that old man with a sword in a park in beijing was the head of the national environmental protection office at the time.

#ill add more as i think of them.#and post links to the full stories once i get my dad to tell me them #so i can write them down #his versions are funnier than mine #this is a stable writing tag

9K notes · View notes

swamp-teeth · 6 months

Text

*starts collecting them like marbles*

571 notes · View notes

hyoqa · 1 month

Text

— a guy asks for your number ft. hoshina, narumi, reno

warnings: mentions dick and profanities in hoshina's

#kaiju no.8 x reader #kaiju no8 x reader #kn8 x reader #hoshina soshiro x reader #hoshina x reader #ichikawa reno x reader #reno x reader #reno ichikawa x reader #narumi gen x reader #narumi x reader #i swore to myself that i would never write text fics again bc they get unbearable to look at after texting styles change #but here we are bc i read actually the funniest text fics ever just now by inmaki #i am not nearly funny enough to replicate but i tried #I APOLOGIZE FOR THE VULGARITY OF HOSHINA i do wish to believe he is quite the gentleman but i can also imagine it somehow #so get a man who can do both (COMPROMISE!)#sorry i was going to add more people i really was but i gave up #next time ill write two for each of them🤞 (not a promise bc i will break the promise)#THANK U FOR READING IF U READ THIS ILY #also this has been sitting in my drafts for AGES LIKE SOLID MONTHS NOW but now that the anime is out i think it is time to post

194 notes · View notes

puppyeared · 26 days

Text

sleights van

#im gonna do the interior tmrw but im pretty happy with how these turned out #i used the volvo laplander as reference for the front and the rest is based on a honda mini pickup truck #the bars around the chassis was an afterthought.. partly bc i thought it would look cool and partly because i thought #it would be good to add something to keep the trailer attachment in place.. i think theyre used more for offroad vehicles though idk #the folding screen is also partly to block out the view of sleights room and its painted with stars to act as a backdrop #idk if the stage is strong enough to support her weight with just thick wires keeping it suspended so.. maybe smth like #a table or chair gets wedged underneath to support it from the bottom too. i just couldnt fit it on there #myart #my art #my oc #oc #sleight #concept art #doodles #vehicles #sketches #wip #idk if im gonna color this i think ill just leave it like this

231 notes · View notes

chaosphil · 3 months

Text

more things that regularly haunt my brain

pt 2 of the earworm compilations

#still hunting down some more so definitely a 3rd part if i ever find all that #if there’s something you think of to add lmk the vid and ill try add it whenever i get around to the next one #pt 1 is genuinely my brain daily but these are still important #dnp #phan #dan and phil

375 notes · View notes

danafromunderarock · 2 months

Text

imagine the superheroes community finding out about the clone kid and deciding to take them away from tim because clearly tim's insane and can't be trusted with a child bc he's literally a 17 year old who went wild with cloning tubes

tim's crying screaming throwing up basically because what the fuck. do not take my baby away i know i fucked up but that's literally my baby you can't just take them away

#timkon clone baby #timkon clone baby au #tim drake #timkon #red robin #dc #realistically i think tim would try to run and lay low but let's be honest there's a very small chance of them not being discovered #not if the justice league is involved #ill probably add more to this later i have Thoughts

231 notes · View notes

sereinreality · 3 months

Text

A list of things about Law and/or Corazon that I think about a lot (will be updated)

- law spent two years with the donquixote pirates and how much he has to unlearn from that

- law calculating the time of his own death

- corazon possibly embracing the clown aesthetic because that’s all everyone around him sees him as (clumsy and silly rather than someone with skill)

- seeing the calm calm fruit in action

- corazon’s last smile to law potentially being fake/forced since his genuine smile is much more softer

- corazon genuinely believing both him and law could escape until he sees the birdcage and resounds his fate (the fact he accepted dying)

- corazon never lying to sengoku his entire life until minion island

- law acting more like a child when he was sick/under corazon’s care (during minion island)

- law playing/testing corazon’s ability when he was in the chest

- corazon crying tears of joy for law after getting the op op fruit

- corazon (despite being clumsy) has never dropped anything he was carrying. he only let himself get injured but never anything important (ex. the op op fruit plus he’s never dropped law when carrying him)

- corazon slowly learning how to carry law and we seem him bundled up like a baby in corazon’s arms

- corazon’s name being rosinante (it’s a pretty name)

- doflamingo making law sit on the heart seat while in chains (the symbolism behind that)

- law going to dressrosa to avenge corazon or die trying (which is why he left his crew on zou)

- both vergo and doflamingo taunting law back in punk hazard

- bepo, shachi and penguin are law’s closest friends

- the calm calm fruit is in the world somewhere

- law going to dressrosa to “pull the trigger” since corazon never could

- corazon is described as law’s saviour/benefactor

- the last thing corazon said to law was “i love you” but the last thing law SAW was corazon’s dead body in the snow

- had corazon not been beat up by vergo, there was a chance he could have survived being shot by doflamingo

- doflamingo using the same gun he killed his father with to kill corazon (then used it on law)

- law being described as a “vengeful ghost”

- “corazon” isn’t a name, it’s a title and upon seeing it on law’s back in dressrosa, doflamingo shot at it.

- doflamingo saying “shall i say what you’re hoping to hear?” and immediately insulting corazon in the next sentence

- sengoku and law’s talk in dressrosa and though he’s unhappy the only person he can share the memory of rosinante with is a pirate, it’s someone at least.

- law using the silence ability in wano

- rosi has always called doflamingo “doffy” but doflamingo only called rosi “corazon” in their adult years

- (spoilers for the manga) law losing his hat, his crew and kikoku but still wearing his coat with feathers

#if i think of more ill add on #one piece #trafalgar law #trafalgar d water law #corazon donquixote #donquixote rosinante #dressrosa #punk hazard #wano arc #rebel rambles

174 notes · View notes

arinmoss · 5 months

Text

Astarion :3

902 notes · View notes

superbellsubways · 7 months

Note

t. task manager. uhm. office. higher up… uhm.. 😁😁😁😁

whats funny is that I actually have considered a task manager with this exact icon design before this ask LOL shes just a basic computer/robot woman to me i think

#ill make something more proper later #just wanted to get this out #theres things i wanna add to this but i cant think of what rn #shes the office manager #virtual assistants #task manager #gijinka #object head #webcore #doodle

249 notes · View notes

almostdailytf2 · 24 days

Text

really haven't had any art to post so here's the insane man's ramblings about heavy tf2

honestly i think heavy is SO underrated as a character by the fandom in general, not just on this site. like?? from what i can infer from these lines in poker night, he's guy who has this innate fear of failing and would of likely been retired or on a different career if not for the fact that he loves his craft. he loves killing and maiming and using his guns to do it. it's so FASCINATING and i wish we dissected that more often.

he cares about his weaponry to just about the same amount as people. he has hobbies, often adjacent to his violence, and will happily seek people with that as a common interest. he thinks of his co-workers highly and most insults he hurls at them here are because he knows they can do better (spy exempt.) and he greatly fears letting his teammates down. so he'll do everything in his power to be the best at what he does. AAUGHH

#fc speaks #look i'll be the change i want to see in the world #also this isnt shade to any ship btw. and this is coming from someone who loves heavymedic where i feel like often heavy is sidelined-#-while medic is more featured. if anything i think the tidbits here add more flavor to their dynamic but i digress. for now >:D #anyways favs disease is terminal. please yell with me in my inbox #actually ill maintag this #tf2 #tf2 heavy

105 notes · View notes

petite-phthora · 1 year

Text

Do you think it was a date?

[DP x DC fic]

[Love at first... murder? - part 5]

<< Prev | Next >>

Part 1

Ao3

---

In-chat nicknames:

Daniel = Danny

Sharpshooter = Jazz

TooFine= Tucker

Chaos = Sam

TheCoolerDaniel = Danielle/Dani/Ellie

---

Private chat nicknames:

Bill = Danny

Pants = Jazz

---

As soon as Danny enters his apartment, face bright red, he takes his head into his hands and lets out a silent scream.

He could have said anything, and he panicked and went with Toodealoo Kangaroo???

At this rate, he’ll never get a partner.

As Danny stands there in misery, his phone starts buzzing with messages. Curious, he checks his phone to see what going on.

Uh oh.

---

Team Phantom 👻😎

Chaos: Guys check this out

Chaos: *link*

Chaos: The Joker escaped from Arkham again, but no one’s heard anything of him since, nor have they been able to find him

TooFine: @Daniel 👀

TooFine: ok the @ had been a joke but the fact that he has read it and not replied is concerning

Sharpshooter: @Daniel, what did you do?

Sharpshooter: @Daniel

Sharpshooter: I can see that you’re reading this, don’t ignore me.

TooFine: ohhhh someones in troubleee 👀

Sharpshooter: Tucker.

TooFine: 🤐

---

Danny takes a deep breath.

Well, it’s now or never. Let’s hope Jazz is feeling merciful.

---

Private chat

Bill: ok so you know how you said you would still love me if I was a worm?

Pants: I have no clue how this ties into the previous conversation, but yes. Why?

Bill: hypothetically

Bill: would you also still love me if I

Bill: hypothetically

Bill: accidentally

Bill: vibe checked someone that tried to uh

Bill: hypothetically

Bill: kidnap and or kill me??

Bill: 🥺🥺🙏

Pants: Danny, did you accidentally kill the Joker?

Bill: yes or no Jazz??!? 😩🥺

Pants: Yes, Danny. I would still love you if you, hypothetically, accidentally killed the Joker.

Bill: this is why you’re my favorite sister 🥹🥰😘

Bill: don’t tell Ellie 😳🫣

Pants: Danny, what happened?

---

Danny lets out a sigh of relief before proceeding to tell Jazz what happened.

---

Pants: Oh Danny.

Bill: are you mad at me?

Pants: I’m not mad at you, I just want you to stay safe.

Pants: While I don’t condone murder, I understand that it was self-defense and an accident. I‘m just glad that you’re alright.

Bill: 🥰💞😘

---

With a small smile on his face, Danny goes back to the groupchat.

---

Team Phantom 👻😎

Daniel: you know

Daniel: if I had a nickel for every time I’ve had to fight off an insane clown that attacked me 🤡

Daniel: I’d have two nickels

Daniel: which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it’s happened twice, right? 🤔

Chaos: Damnit Danny, we leave you alone in a new city for a week and you already manage to get into a fight with one of Gotham City’s most infamous rogues

TooFine: actually its been 6 days 10 hours and 17 minutes

TooFine: so not even a full week yet

Chaos: Did you at least get a good few punches in?

Chaos: Danny?

TooFine: @Daniel ???

TooFine: if i had a nickel for every time danny said something concerning and then didnt provide context id be richer than vlad

Daniel: anyway, for completely unrelated reasons, @TooFine I need you to wipe some cams for me 😃

TooFine: danny im not wiping the cams again so no one will have proof of you tripping backward and falling ass-first into a trashcan

Chaos: Speaking of, Tucker do you still have that footage and can you send it to me?

TooFine: already done

Daniel: noo it’s nothing like that this time 😫

Daniel: pleaseeee 🥺🙏🙏

Daniel: I’ll get you an autograph from Tim Drake-Wayne?

TooFine: deal.

Daniel: 🥳🎉

Daniel: ok so the footage from somewhere around 3 am last night

Daniel: around some place named park row??

Daniel: I think it’s called?? 🤔

Daniel: though I’m pretty sure I’ve also heard some people refer to it as crime alley

Daniel: not sure why tho 🤷

TooTine: aye aye captain o7

Chaos: Danny, in an alley getting attacked by the fucking Joker: I wonder why this place is called crime alley

Daniel: stop bullying me 😠

Chaos: No

TooFine: hey danny r u sure thats right? i checked the cams n stuff but theres no available footage from the area n time u described

TooFine: its like someones already wiped it all

Daniel: oh!

Daniel: that’s so sweet of him 😊

Chaos: Wait who is this ‘him’?

TooFine: the joker????

Daniel: oh no not the Joker

Daniel: just some cute guy I met last night

Daniel: he witnessed me killing the Joker 🫣

Daniel: and didn’t call the cops on me afterward 🥰💞

TooFine: def green flag

Chaos: Oh hell yeah, he’s a keeper

Chaos: Wait you killed the Joker?! I thought you just fought him off!

Daniel: it was an accident!! 😭😭

Daniel: he crept up on me and tried to grab me 😓

Daniel: so I got startled and because all I saw was a clown

Daniel: I just kinda punched his face in with my ghost strength… 😰

TooFine: f

Chaos: f

Sharpshooter: Have you gotten rid of the body yet? Did you leave behind DNA at the crime scene? Will I need to start saving up bail money or getting ready to enact the Fenton Break Out plan?

Chaos: Jazz asking the important questions here

Daniel: well, considering the footage was wiped

Daniel: and also the fact that no one’s found him yet

Daniel: I think it’s safe to assume it’s all taken care of

Daniel: that’s honestly really sweet of him though 🥰😊

TooFine: oohhhhh ur mystery boo??

Daniel: yeah, this random guy saw me vibe-checking the Joker

Daniel: and let me go home without any trouble

Daniel: pretty sure he’s the one who wiped the cams 🤔

Daniel: and then today he showed up at my apartment with flowers 🥺

Daniel: they were sweat peas!!!! 🥰🤩

Chaos: Was that to thank you for the murder orrrr?

Sharpshooter: Oh those are your favorite, was that on purpose?

Daniel: well I didn’t tell him

Daniel: so I’m not sure if he knew or if it was a coincidence 🤷

Daniel: but yeah then he took me out to this restaurant called Pete’s for dinner

Daniel: they had some amazing cannoli

Daniel: you should try it sometime if you get the chance

Daniel: and then after dinner he took me to the observatory!!!!!!! 🤩🥰

Sharpshooter: Gotham observatory?

Sharpshooter: Isn’t that the one with the special telescope, I think you mentioned it before

Daniel: yeah, the crystal-powered telescope!! 😍💞✨🤩❤️

Daniel: and at the end, he brought me home

Daniel: and he asked for my number!!!

TooFine: nice dude!

Chaos: The guy really went all-out and planned your dream date hu? So, what’s this mystery hunk’s name?

Daniel: oh I’m not sure, I didn’t ask 🙃🤭

Sharpshooter: Danny…

Daniel: yes?

Sharpshooter: Did you go on a date with a complete stranger who witnessed you commit a murder?

Chaos: How do you not even know his name?

Daniel: two words Jazz: Johnny 13

Daniel: and he’s not a stranger!! 😠

Sharpshooter: But you don’t know his name?

Chaos: We just can’t leave him alone, can we? Less than a week on his own and he already murdered one of Gotham’s most infamous rogues and then completely forgets the concept of Stranger Danger

Daniel: I mean he probably just found it when he tried to do some research on me or something

Daniel: probably got it from the school’s system now that I think of it 🤔

TooFine: dude who the hell is this guy??

Chaos: Who the fuck did you go on a date with?

Daniel: do you really think it was a date? 🥺😳

Daniel: I wasn’t sure

Daniel: cause he mainly took me out for dinner to thank me for the night before

Daniel: but then again

Daniel: he did get me flowers and ask for my number after he brought me back to my apartment 🤔

Daniel: like I wasn’t sure if I was reading the signals right…..

Daniel: but do you think that was a date? 🫣

Sharpshooter: Danny, for the love of the Ancients.