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merakiui · 1 year

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Absolutely love the possessive ex Scaramouche ramble in tags, please feed us more of that.

Gladly!! :D

(cw: yandere, extremely toxic ex scara, modern au, unhealthy behaviors/relationship, stalking, coercion, obsession, forced marriage, violent/suicidal threats, manipulation, mentions of intoxication/alcohol, implied self-harm)

The two of you were what everyone calls ‘high school sweethearts.’ You met him in the cafeteria when the both of you were first years. Despite the scowl etched on his face, he looked lonely sitting all by himself while everyone was finding tables, old and new friends gathering in groups. He’d ignored you, even scooting further away when you’d attempt to move closer. Even though he seemed so averse to you, you remained, silently eating your lunch. Neither of you said anything, but you did introduce yourself. He scoffed under his breath.

You started to sit next to him for every lunch, and he continued to give you the silent treatment. You never pressed him for conversation, instead choosing to enjoy silence while you ate and admired him from the sidelines. He never looked at you, always facing forwards and toying with his chopsticks, bending them so far until they were ready to snap. Eventually, he seemed to grow accustomed to this routine because many weeks into the semester he turned to address you.

“Why do you always sit by me? Don’t you have anyone else to bother?”

“Maybe. But I don’t think anyone’s as mysterious as you are.”

“‘Mysterious…’ Yeah, whatever.”

That seemed to be the catalyst because, as sardonic as he was, he’d begun talking to you. And it wasn’t long until he started to warm up to you every lunch until the both of you were exchanging lighthearted banter. Your friendship would only grow from this point onwards until, at the end of your first year during a study session to prepare for finals, where you were both pulling an all-nighter at your house, he’d asked you out. And you said yes, and the both of you had gone from best friends to lovers within the span of a year. The both of you were each other’s first partner, so it made doing things as a couple even more exciting because neither of you had any experience with dates or holding hands or kissing.

Kuni wasn’t a bad boyfriend. In fact, he was very loyal and sweet. He’d stand up for you if anyone was being rude to you or scrutinizing your relationship with hateful eyes. The two of you were nearly inseparable. When you weren’t spending time together in school, you were out doing things together. And when you couldn’t meet up in person, you’d text or call, sometimes talking late into the evening about all sorts of things. You were so immersed in him that you failed to notice the red flags slowly raising over time. But looking back there were a few notable ones.

He never invited you to his house. In fact, you’d never even met his parents, whereas he’d been to your home so often that your family practically became his own. He hadn’t mentioned anything about his family, and if you tried to suggest going to his house for dinner so that he could introduce you to them he was quick to change the subject. For a while you’d push this, more curious than concerned, but eventually you’d drop it when it became clear that he wasn’t going to divulge anything on the matter. That had stung, but you snuffed those feelings in favor of focusing on other aspects of your relationship.

The second red flag was just how clingy he became when the both of you were in your third year, having been together for two solid years. You never noticed it before because you loved him, but when friends had pointed out how attached he seemed—and it was to rather unhealthy levels, according to their observations—to the point where you were the only person he’d ever formed a bond with while at school you started to see the cracks in what felt like the perfect relationship. He’d text you every single day, at every single hour, all the time. He’d call you nonstop, even more so when you didn’t immediately pick up.

The third red flag coincided with the second. When you couldn’t make it to your phone, he was quick to blame himself and those around him for being responsible for your deteriorating relationship. Did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me? Did those guys bother you again? They probably told you some stupid shit about me, right? Don’t listen to them. Hey, you’re not mad, right? Call me back. I need to talk to you. Just text me when you can, okay? (Name), please don’t leave me. I’ll fix whatever’s wrong. Just promise you’ll stay. Messages of these kinds were what you could expect to receive from him. He’d fluctuate between self-loathing to loathing those around him within seconds, shoving blame onto classmates who’d bully him for being that “weird emo kid with too many piercings” and anyone else who tried to, in his words, “come between you and me.”

By the end of your third year, you started to fall out of love. He was so very dedicated to this relationship, evidenced by how much effort and care he’d put into it, but his clingy behavior was stifling. You’d lost some of your own friends because he chased them away, and it felt like you couldn’t do anything without him breathing down your neck. If you wanted to go anywhere with a friend or two, Kuni had to be there to accompany you. If you looked at another for too long, he’d think you were cheating. If you didn’t text or call him at certain times, if you failed to pick up, or—Archons forbid—you left him on seen, he’d spiral.

Kuni had this habit of sounding dangerously self-destructive when he feared you were being unfaithful or he thought you were going to break up with him, which meant you’d have to sit on the phone for hours convincing him that you loved him, that you’d never leave him, that you’d always be here for him, that you were sorry for not responding, that he needs to calm down and please, please, please don’t do anything rash. Those phone calls were always so stressful. You cried a lot; you’d beg him to put the knife away when he’d threaten to use it on himself, on you, on anyone who might try to take you from him. And, after a few hours of this, he’d be back to his usual self, as if a switch had been flipped. You could hear his adoring smile in his voice when he spoke, when he’d lovingly whisper into the phone, “I’m happy you’re mine. I love you so much.” And you’d shakily parrot the affirmation, too frazzled to say or do anything else.

One of your best friends Rosalyne, who you’d befriended in the midst of all of this, had been so supportive the minute you spilled the truth to her. Kuni hated her the most because she wasn’t afraid of him. Because she’d shut him down when he tried to pull you away from her. Because she wouldn’t approve of any of his toxicity. Rosalyne would take you on shopping sprees, brunch dates, and jogs at the local park. She was plenty of good to outshine Kuni’s bad, and the more time you spent with her the clearer your head would become. The both of you had plenty of sleepovers together, and she let you rant your heart out while she listened. She’d tell you to break up with him, but you’d agonized over how terrifying that would be. You couldn’t bear to tell Kuni the truth—that you wanted to separate because things had turned so rotten—because you were so scared. Scared of him and what he might do.

Scared that if he really did take a blade to himself it would be your fault. He told you that a lot. That it would be your fault if he did anything. That his blood would be on your hands. You believed him every time.

By your final year, you’d already had a plan for university outlined and you’d started applying to a few in advance. You never told Kuni about any of them because you worried he might apply to each one in hopes of going to the same school as you. And when there was the dance for the graduating class and Kuni had asked you to it, you’d told him you were going with Rosalyne and a few other friends as a group. He didn’t like this, as expected, but you’d been so sick of him and his behaviors that you snapped and spilled everything to him. You’ll never forget the look on his face when you told him that you were done with the relationship and that you never wanted to see him again.

He looked as if he could lunge at you and tear you to bloody ribbons at any moment.

You graduated single and so very refreshed, and your summer had been filled with friends. Kuni didn’t message you at all, which was surprising considering you were certain he’d spam you relentlessly after the break-up. But he never did. In fact, you never saw him again. Graduation had come and gone, and now that you could recover from such a terrible relationship he was becoming less of a burden for you. For a while you were anxious. You kept expecting to receive a phone call or to see some news about Kuni, but neither ever came. Rosalyne told you to stop thinking about him. It would only make you even more paranoid and that wouldn’t do your mental health any good. You were so grateful to have her in your life, but most importantly you were glad Kuni failed to scare her away.

Now you’re a second year in college and things have only gotten so much better for you. You and Rosalyne still keep in touch despite going to different schools. She’d gone to a university in Snezhnaya, while you enrolled in one in Sumeru, and you’ve blotted Kuni from your mind. You’ve made a fresh group of friends while attending classes: criminal justice major Shikanoin Heizou, creative writing major Kaedehara Kazuha, musical therapy major Venti, botany major Tighnari, and so many more wonderful people who have all welcomed you into their circles.

So when Venti drags a familiar face to your usual weekend outing, which is really just a retreat to the forest for drinking and smoking, creeping cold settles into your bones. He looks awkward with Venti’s arm slung around him as the more bubbly of the two drags him towards the bonfire, where you sit with the others roasting marshmallows for s’mores, and it’s a look that is so uncharacteristic on him. What’s even weirder is how friendly everyone greets him—as if they all know him—and you’re completely lost when they turn to you and ask if you’ve met Kunikuzushi.

“No,” you lie through your teeth, forcing a pleasant smile and extending your hand for a stiff handshake, which Venti snickers at. “No, I’ve never met him before.”

Apparently, he’s in one of Venti’s classes—it’s a course he’s taking solely because he needs the credits. Tighnari knows him because they usually work the same shifts at the campus café. Kazuha knows him from his linguistics and philosophy classes. Heizou’s ate with him in the dining hall plenty of times now and they’re also taking the same psychology class. It feels so genuine and yet so fake at the same time. Too perfectly manufactured to be a mere coincidence. But you do your best to push past these suspicions, and when he sits across from you, smiling at you and saying how nice it is to meet you, the warping flames paint his face in devilish shadows. That’s what you think he is when he acts like a completely different person from how he was when you dated: a devil who’s good at being kind and outgoing, noisy and abrupt, and always so foul-mouthed, but in a way that makes him charming. Your friends are so enthralled. They love him and his sense of humor. They love his quick wit. They love how fun he is. And suddenly weekends spent in the forest aren’t so enjoyable.

You do your best to overcome your doubts. For a few months you’re on edge. How he even found you is a mystery. Surely he wouldn’t stalk you and enroll in the same college just to get revenge or…whatever vengeance he wants from you. But when he treats you to coffee, when he brings you and the others pastries every other morning, when he invites the lot of you to study at the library, when he tells the funniest stories while crossed and everyone’s giggling like schoolgirls it really feels like he’s…healthier. Like he’s turned a fresh page in his life and is starting anew. Like he’s changed for the better.

Perhaps he just doesn’t remember you. You’ve changed your style over the years, so it’s possible he’s simply forgotten your image and can’t place memories to your name. Eventually, after soothing yourself with these theories, you begin to accept his presence in the group. He fits in so flawlessly, as if he’s a missing piece to the puzzle, and you can’t believe you’re admitting this, but you like this version of Kuni. He’s confident, not cocky. He’s kind, not rude. He gives everyone space. In fact, he rarely texts frequently in the group chat. And he’s funny! He’s so funny. You don’t think the Kuni from your past was ever as funny as the Kuni who regales everyone with lighthearted stories of how he once took in a stray cat that turned out to belong to his neighbor or how his old job had the strangest customers.

Maybe he truly did change. Maybe all of these coincidences really are coincidences. Maybe it’s for the best that you leave the past in the past.

Finals season looms, and the group hasn’t had time to meet up outside of class. Venti has tried to persuade everyone to come study at his apartment. His roommate won’t care (yes, he will. Xiao hates it when everyone gets blackout drunk and he has to wake everyone come morning), but if you’ve known Venti long enough you’ll know there is no studying that happens at these study sessions. This is probably the reason why he’s had to repeat a year.

With everyone’s schedules packed with academics, it’s difficult to find a time where everyone can get together to study. You think you might just be better off studying on your own, but Kuni’s message of you wanna pull an all-nighter for these lame af finals together?? accompanied with a photo of snacks and coffee, any thoughts of studying alone instantly vanish.

This is how you find yourself in his dorm, sprawled on his bed while he sits on the floor, whacking your dangling feet when they get too close to him. His roommate Albedo is currently out tutoring a few students at the library and won’t be back until much later, so it’s just you, Kuni, and a pile of textbooks and notes. You’ve hung out with Kuni a few times and he was great company during each. You’ve also fallen asleep in his dorm before, when you’d come over to binge a show the both of you enjoy, and you’d lost track of time and had slipped into a dream halfway through the marathon. You’d woken the next morning with Kuni looming over you, grinning deviously and holding an uncapped marker. He’d leaned down and whispered, “You drool in your sleep,” and you’d swatted at him and groused about how you were sleeping so peacefully when he just had to ruin your sleep (and your face) with his antics. And then there was that time when you were so drunk at that one party and you could hardly stand, he’d been there to help. He even stayed with you for the rest of that night, offering his assistance when you became nauseous or needed water or a snack until you passed out.

Despite your initial apprehensions, you consider him a friend. He’s no one nearly as close as Rosalyne or your other friends. He’s just a mutual friend, someone you’ll spend time with when you feel like it, but you don’t truly need him in your life. That, and part of you still struggles to trust him after all of the stress and unhealthy obsession he subjected you to.

“Kuni,” you whine, lifting your head from the textbook. “Can you get me some water? I’m thirsty.”

“Do I look like your maid?” he snaps, immersed in organizing his notes. “Get it yourself.”

“I’m picturing it now and you’re in a frilly dress and—”

“Forget I asked.” Setting his notebook down with an exaggerated sigh, he crosses the distance to the mini fridge and withdraws a bottle of water.

Grinning, you slide off of his bed and reach for it with a grateful hum. He smirks and takes a step back, holding it away from you.

“Seriously…”

Rolling your eyes, you lunge for it and he side-steps you with the practiced grace of a cat. You brace yourself against the wall and swipe at him. Again, he dodges, unscrewing the cap and shaking the bottle teasingly.

“I think I’ll take a sip for myself. All of this studying has left me so parched.”

“No fair! That’s mine!”

“Is it?” He pulls it away from his lips to observe the bottle and feigns surprise. “That’s weird. I don’t see your name on it.”

“Look closer!” you exclaim, but just as he’s about to humor you you pounce, tackling him to the ground—there’s a beanbag cushion that breaks your fall—and the water spills all over the both of you in the midst of the tumble. A slew of colorful words stick in Kuni’s throat and your laughter rings out melodiously. You seize his wrist and hold it down while reaching for the bottle in his other hand, where there’s still some water left. He struggles halfheartedly, relinquishing the bottle with a disinterested scoff, and you pull away from him to down what’s left.

While crushing the plastic bottle into a ball, you notice something on your palm—the palm that had grabbed Kuni’s wrist—and it takes a minute before the skin tone-colored substance registers in your mind.

Concealer.

You peer at him and notice that he’s cradling his arm, and confusion sprouts.

“So funny,” he spits with a hollow laugh. “You owe me a new beanbag if this one’s ruined.”

“Hey, hold on. What’s with the—”

“Forget it. You got your water, so let’s get back to studying. Or do you no longer want to be a perfect student?”

Without thinking, you grab his arm as he’s standing and when you look at his forearm you can see where the water’s started to wash the concealer away. Curiously, you scrub at it while he tries to yank his arm away, but when you unearth a dozen scars littering his wrist and climbing the length of his arm that creeping cold from before returns.

And suddenly you’re brought back to those phone calls—the ones where he’d threaten suicide and murder—and you stumble back as if you’ve been burned, half-expecting to hear those threats once more. Kuni’s staring at his wrist, his features twisted in grim disapproval, and for a moment you think he looks…hurt. Or maybe that’s sadness you see. Whatever emotion it was, it doesn’t linger because a quiet chuckle slips past his lips, and the sound is so very frigid it has your blood crystallizing.

“It really hurt when you said you never wanted to see me again.” Kuni peers down at you, and his eyes that had once been so bright and filled with light are dull and dark. “But nothing hurts more than loving you.”

You open your mouth to say something—anything—but the words won’t come. You’re rooted to the ground, horror slinking through your body and rendering you immovable. Your heart is in your throat, pounding so loudly it’s practically a drum, and a cold sweat washes over you.

“Each time I found myself hating you, I thought it was odd because I love you so much. I can’t possibly hate the one I’ve loved all this time.” He scowls. “But loving you hurts. Loving you feels like chewing glass and drinking poison. Loving you isn’t fair because while you moved forward with your ‘friends,’ I was forced to stay behind and pick up the pieces of what was left of you. So for every moment I couldn’t stand you, I tallied it on myself so that I’ll never forget the times I loved you so much I hated you.”

This can’t be happening, you’re thinking, curling your hands into trembling fists. He changed. He changed, right? This isn’t the same Kuni from before. This isn’t…

“And when I saw how well you seemed to be doing without me, I hated you even more.” Without warning, he’s grabbed your arm and hoisted you up. You open your mouth to scream, but no sound comes—not that anything could when he’s pulled a switchblade from his pocket and poised the pointed tip at your jugular. “You have poor taste in friends. Those guys suck.”

Tutting, he shakes his head at you like a parent might when scolding a child, and says, “Do you know how fucking tiring it was pretending? You think I care about pastries and stupid campfire stories? You really think I’d ever want to associate myself with that sorry lot?”

“K-Kuni, please let go of me. I… I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were—I’m sorry. So please just…”

“And then the first time you see me after all these years apart and you had the gall to lie to my face! ‘I’ve never met him before.’ Bullshit. You just didn’t want any of your loser friends to know our history, right? Because you’re ashamed to have known me, right?”

“That’s not it! I… I was just—I didn’t… I was… I just…”

“I… I… I…” he mocks, shoving you down onto the beanbag. It dips under the sudden weight, and you sink further into it when he points the blade at you. “Stop tripping over your tongue. I should be the one near tears! You cast me aside and then forgot all about me. You abandoned me when I needed you most.” His voice cracks at that last sentence, and your heart skips erratically.

“That’s not what happened! We needed space. I needed space. You were being too—” You stop yourself, unsure of how to phrase it. Too controlling? Too dangerous? Too scary?

“Lucky for you, I’m willing to overlook these past...slights.” The blade twirls effortlessly in his grasp, and you heave a relieved breath when he’s no longer pointing it in your direction. “Marry me and we’ll forget all about the past. We’ll start over.”

His demand almost stops your heart altogether. You stare up at him, mouth agape, and mumble a disbelieving, “What?”

“You heard me.” He seems to soften with his next words, and for a moment he looks and sounds like the Kuni who hangs out with you and your friends. The harmlessly fun Kuni who always takes such good care of you. “You’re the only one I’ll ever love, so let’s get married.”

“K-Kuni, I can’t... I really can’t...”

Within seconds the blade has found itself on his wrist, pressing into delicate flesh. Not enough to cut, but if he applies more force you’ll definitely see blood. You choke on a horrified gasp.

“What was that?” He raises his brow at you, challenging you with a calm smile.

Your mind reels in an effort to conjure a plan. What can you even do? If you take the blade from him, will he turn his anger on you? Will you have to wrestle him into submission? And if you do manage to get out of his dorm, will anyone believe you? He’s painted himself in such a pleasant light. Your friends love and trust him! So what can you say? And if there isn’t any solid proof, no one will even entertain bringing the authorities into this mess.

“I’m waiting, (Name). Are you really going to make me add another tally? Do you really want me to hate you again? Oh, but maybe I should start marking you! We can add a slice for each time you failed to love me. That way we’ll both look like used cutting boards.”

You need help, you want to say, but the words escape you.

Instead, you nod hastily and say breathlessly, “Okay, yes! I’ll marry you!” Swallowing your horror, you glance at the blade as it’s lifted from his skin. Thankfully, there isn’t a cut. “I... I’ll marry you, Kuni. So... So please don’t hurt yourself. Please.”

It feels like you’ve been strangled for an eternity, so when he finally pockets the blade the air in your lungs returns and you collapse against the beanbag, chest rising and falling in short, panicked breaths.

“Good.” He bends down to your height, grips your chin with cold fingers, and forces you to meet his adoring stare. “We’ll look at rings tomorrow. Or maybe you’d prefer bracelets instead? I can be flexible but only for you, so you’d better be grateful.”

You swallow rising bile and nod. “T-Thank you.” You’re not sure why you’re thanking him when he hardly deserves it, but it feels like the right thing to say to ease the tension.

Kuni’s eyes sparkle, no longer a void of endless darkness, and when he leans in to capture your lips in his your heart sinks. You really can’t run from your past, can you?

#genshin chit chat #yandere-romanticaa #yandere scaramouche #scara says he needs you but what he really needs is a therapist first and foremost #adding heizou into the mix!!! he probably takes notice of your change in behavior #and confronts you one on one to ask if everything's okay #and he looks so concerned and his voice is so soft and so you break and spill everything #and he nods while he takes in all of this information before offering to help #he knows the law (he's studying it after all!) so he can help you #but what heizou doesn't tell you is that the law might crush one evil person but it can easily protect other evils :)#especially him who is oh-so-honorable and sweet #you'd never know he wants to be more than just friends #and that he has a journal detailing your every move #but also i like the idea of heizou being a genuine friend and the two of you grow closer while trying to find ways to get scara caught #and taken away from you for good #but yan!heizou just hits so deliciously orz #also also!! adding in rosalyne~~ she went to the same uni as kuni (in snezhnaya)#but when he finally found out where you were he transferred #and rosa only realized they went to the same school when she found out from ajax (who also attends the same uni)#kuni probably worked part-time as a hospital receptionist before he transferred schools #and he's pretty sure the doctor there is a serial killer or he's just on the border of criminally insane (this is dottore after all)#(me looking at every way i can insert each harbinger into this au >:D)

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fisheito · 3 months

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Lol angst ? about nukani , my super unserious gayporngacha game? Can't be that bad

(10k words later into a fic) Ooohh.ohhh it was a mistake. I should not have read this hahahahahahahgyrk *choking sounds*

#i typically stay in my lane (fluff) but when i exhaust the fics. we must venture into unexplored territory #but the unfortunate consequence of that is like introducing predators to an island ecosystem #I WAS NOT EVOLUTIONARILY PREPARED. I DON'T HAVE THE DEFENSE MECHANISM S #i AM prompTLY DESTROYED #OMG EVEN WHEN I'M READING ANOTHER FIC NOWADAYS #sometimes something will remind me of that eiden dies fic #and the images will flash thru my mind like Sad PTSD #and I'll just ☹️😭😥😭😟😭#i was cocky. thought angst Wouldnt affect me. what a fool i was. where did that complacency come from #i am changed. i will never forget. i will treasure u even more eiden #u are more valuable than u could ever comprehend my dear little bluetwinkmenace pls stay healthy #tears threatening to spill outta my eyeholes while i'm gathering all the clan members into my embrace #picks up another gay little haremboy and shoves it into my protective hold #nOOOOO you stay with the others safe and cuddled and everyone loves u and everyone is fine and #squeezes them all 🥺☁☁☁☁☁☁#i am reading words and acting in ways

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thychesters · 1 year

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Can you keep a secret? Luffy asks him one of the first nights they’re out at sea, just the two of them and their aimless wandering toward the Grand Line and a crew that doesn’t yet exist beyond the two of them. Zoro rolls his head from where it rests on his arms, wrist and knuckles digging into the wood beneath them. Luffy blinks back at him in the dark, straw hat pillowed on his chest and no longer awaiting a response. It’s okay, sometimes I can’t either.

Depends on what it is, I guess, Zoro says, If it’s not my business I don’t want any part in it. But it’s also not my secret to tell.

He shrugs, about to turn away again, but there’s a hesitation in breaking Luffy’s gaze, something powerful in it that leaves him feeling as if he’s been exposed down to his very core, and all Luffy does is blink at him and yawn.

‘M not a very good liar, Luffy tells him after he’s rolled back away from him to watch the night sky spread out above them like spilt ink. Would you ever lie to me?

Zoro’s tongue is heavy with copper and salt before he swallows. Depends, again, he thinks, could you lie to me? He doesn’t lie, doesn’t have any reason to, has never favored nor respected it to begin with. And yet, he says, Would it keep you safe?

Luffy turns to face him, nails scratching along the straw and says, Does it ever?

He thinks, it could, thinks, I don’t know, thinks, let’s hope we never find out.

Can you keep a secret? and a ghost whispers into the shell of his ear and says you must.

And Zoro says, no, I don’t think so.

#zolu #roronoa zoro #monkey d luffy #one piece #two dudes .... chilling in a dinghy two inches apart because there's no room #you know how sometimes there are those little white lies that you tell because you think they'll protect someone #but then they build up and reach a head and the truth comes spilling out and it only hurts people? who did it protect then?#i'm about to start the skypiea arc tonight (butterfly in the skyyyy)#and i'm grumpy because i have at least 3 fic ideas i need to wait to finish and watch more in order to properly execute #so instead here's another little post again from zoro's pov in the east blue #need to write more from luffy's pov. want to give that lil rubber bastard a crisis of his own #in the meantime i have another fic idea for all of the straw hats so maybe i'll work on that #depending on how long it ends up we'll see if it ends up on here or ao3 #what a time to be alive!#kate writes #**

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itspileofgoodthings · 8 days

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Porfiry telling Raskolnikov that at least he was honest and in one bound took the furthest leap to put his theory to the test of actual action——

#Taylor believing a man who is obviously lying to her #like. it’s fascinating to me how they’ll say anything to her and she’ll be like ‘okay let’s go’#she’s never read Jane Austen and it shows. but that’s okay because she’s the character in an Austen novel #she has no sense of self-preservation she has no common sense when it comes to love #and the reason I have endless patience for that is because she IS different. she is extraordinary. she is WEIRD. she’s so needy #so angry so fragile so stupid so brilliant so completely helpless #like the bolter———I can’t even LOOK at it right now #because you know she was like this since she was 5 and SHE knows it #just so. Different. so strange. I mean she ruled her family with an iron fist from the age of 11 #and her packaging is so basic and she she had so much access to everything anyone could want #so there are none of the usual marks of someone being so Different #but like. people HATED her from day one. you know her own strength of personality was drawing out many people’s hatred or envy #and she’s so helpless in her own personality because she can never change #like thank you aimee? or whatever? heck yeah there was some girl who bullied her and brutalized her on the playground #and you know it devastated Taylor from day one and still does #and it’s just. I don’t know how people can’t see that someone with that extraordinary set of gifts #wouldn’t also suffer in such an extraordinary way #and ways that elicit so much scorn and non-sympathy because people are unsettled and jealous and annoyed by her #because she WILL find a way to win #but isn’t that proof enough that she is the very OPPOSITE OF NORMAL #it’s why people have to be like ‘oh she sold her soul to the devil for this success.’ or whatever the psy-op spy thing is #because there’s no human way to explain her success if she really were as basic/talentless as people say #ugh this is all so incoherent and irritating and I’m so sorry but I just. I cannot explain how protective my heart is of her #and all the many many mistakes she’s made and the prisons she’s made for herself because she’s LIVING the tragedy #of never having denied herself one time/getting everything she wants #and discovering the poison at the bottom of everything she reached for with desperate hands #like. I love her so much and I am so protective of her because she is so helpless and she is getting shot in the face every time #and she feels every blow!#whew I need to turn off reblogs and will probably delete but I just #this album is all of her spilled out and people DO hate to see it because a lot of people hate her!!!!

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the-jam-to-the-unicorn · 2 months

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I mean ... they could also arrest the farmers who commit crimes and do something against them and their behaviour towards Ukraine and do something against the fact they're illegally blocking the border and do something against Russia financing the farmers and Russian collaborators and actual Russians being part of the farmers and fueling the hate.

Or they could close the border "temporarily" but "only for trade" and destroy the Polish-Ukrainian friendship a bit more.

I mean, there is foooor suuure absolutely nooothing about this plan that does sound bad or problematic or could lead to bad consequences.

🙄🤦‍♀️

#poland is ready to take tough decisions #whos going to tell him?#“poland wants to protect its farmers” jfc this stopped about being farmers a long time ago #most (all of it) of the stopped and spilled grain wasn't even for poland in the first place #budfy you're farmers take money from russia have Russians beneath them and are russian collaborators #THERE ARE LITERALLY RUSSIAN FLAGS #THERE LITERALLY ARE SIGNS WITH RUSSIAN PROPAGANDA #if they could solve their inner political problems without hurting ukraine and making it worse that would be fucking amazing #little hunt tusk and Duda #the red line should have been the spilled and destroyed grain #or the “farmers” playing air raid sirens

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worstloki · 1 year

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i actually love the idea that if Thor was raised with Loki then he grew up learning more and uses the charismatic himbo vibe as a front and if Thor was raised without Loki it's not a persona and he actually is just a charismatic himbo now

#normal Thor is a thot but he's also pretty battle smart and has intuition etc. while Party Thor is just a thot #Party Thor didn't bother with good fighting he didn't need to be book smart or a good heir bc there was only 1 option lmao #didn't wind up with any protectiveness or slight enough maturity not to follow every single impulse without thought and alone #which is just. HILARIOUS.#imagine MCU Thor and Loki wind up in that universe and they're like oh sweet it's a normal world then since Thor's acting normal #but no he's not normal Thor he's not acting at all that's just Thor now #Thor is cringing and devastated #Thor like 1. THIS is what I look like from the outside? D: and 2. ohnorns there's nothing behind it. it's not a coping mechanism. norns no #Loki like ''yeah he's a little forthcoming but look at the bright side Thor! this version of you is CLEARLY more fun.''#*gestures to Party Thor drinking out of like a full jotun sized mug and he starts coughing and choking and it spilled everywhere*#''and also an idiot!''#Thor like this ISN'T funny.#he's got his arms crossed and is all pouty about it #they find out about Jotun Loki and Loki has stars in his eyes like NO WAY I'M SO COOL AND FUN TOO :0 #and Thor is there face crumpling further because it feels like this universe hates him specifically #XD #like what so Loki gets to keep his magic and be way taller and fun and Thor is chasing after him in this universe???? unfair :[#Thor vows never going to downplay with Loki again and Loki is there sincerely like Thor I know you're not like that don't worry about it

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losttranslator · 17 days

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like most Christian movies risen is cheesy and biblically dubious at times and gets loads of cultural stuff wrong for the sake of being recognizable to a primarily American audience but I'll readily admit the poor roman tribune's absolute bafflement at these religious weirdos who keep talking about love and stuff has me cackling unhingedly

Like, is it sound biblical doctrine and is it historical believable? No? Is it hilarious and do I enjoy seeing this random shmuck lose his mind going through what's essentially a very disturbing psychological thriller from his pov while the disciples are overflowing with joy? You bet??

The guy is dealing with horrifyingly decomposed dead bodies trying to find the right cadaver and previously sane soldiers going crazy and dead men being spotted alive and strange supernatural phenomena and angry gods and unexplained madness and religious fanatism spreading like a contagion, and meanwhile the disciples (and Jesus) are all like HELLO BROTHER WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR ABOUT THE BEST NEWS EVER :D :D :D

#Help my man Clavius he didn't ask for none of this #I gotta admit this is the first time in a while I've enjoyed any part of a Christian movie #even if most of it has me rolling my eyes and going “THAT'S not how it happened”#THE DISCIPLES WOULDN'T PRONOUNCE THE NAME OF GOD AND THE HOLY SHROUD IS BOGUS (for starters)#And there was no stranger - much less a roman - when Jesus appeared to the apostles #But I AM having fun with the tonal dissonance #Poor clavius is dreaming of blood and storms and his sanity is crumbling to dust and it feels like the end of the world #while to everyone who knows what's going on it's the single greatest thing that has ever happened and ever will #Risen 2016 #Resurrection #Bible movies #(Also in the list of things that get on my nerves no the spreading of the Gospel didn't hinge on one roman protecting the apostles)#(I hope they psychologically disturb that man some more he doesn't get to think he's that important)#(Centering a roman while getting some pretty basic stuff about Jewish culture wrong is also annoying)#(The beginning of the church are entirely and unambiguously JEWISH.)#(This character is like. 10 chapters too early.)#(Peter doesn't announce the Gospel to a roman until WELL after Jesus has ascended to heaven and even then it takes a direct order from God)#(And cornelius was already a follower of God and not pagan.)#(So Clavius just doesn't fit. And inserting a pagan guy as a witness to Jesus' most intimate moments with his disciples feels off)#The Gospel doesn't spill to the nations until God decrees it's time for it to happen. I don't like this romanisation #But again the first half of the movie had me laughing even though I could rant about its flaws for two hours

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todayisafridaynight · 9 months

Note

I wanted to write in about my thoughts on Jo as a CSA survivor separately for a couple of reasons:

I already more or less have what I have to say on the topic in order thanks to talks with @starssystem and another friend [<3]

This is a massive tonal shift from anything else I could be discussing

This Is Massive In General For The Love Of God PLEASE Help Me

Obvious CSA CW for anyone else reading; I only discuss statistics, psychology, and the aftereffects seen in survivors here, but it's worth a warning.

With the disclaimers out of the way… I'd mentioned before I've only ever added one thing to Jo's background, and you were right: this is it! To me, there's so much thematic overlap in Jo's narrative with the experience of surviving CSA it's worth it to examine his character through the lens of that being the case. Of course, there are clearly-stated reasons for it all that Aren't That, but…

It's the pervasive guilt and shame, the lifelong secret that becomes too unbearable not to tell, the faulty coping mechanisms aimed at burying the trauma without having to face it, the reluctance to be sincere [vulnerable] and the lies and half-truths used to maintain the facade of invulnerability, the pursuit of power and control and the knee-jerk anger response when it's threatened, the pursuit of mastery over his body and the indifference to what happens to it. And the way a lot of it really does stem from a deeply traumatic childhood sexual experience from before either he or Ikumi understood what they were getting into, from before they could give informed consent.

Statistically, the further below the average age someone is for their first time, the likelihood of [at best] having been introduced to sex inappropriately and [at worst] having been abused at the time or earlier rises exponentially. Jo was 15 when Masato was conceived--possibly 14, since he was saying he "met" Arakawa at 15, and by then Masato was already born. To put this into perspective, since what ages register as concerning is largely cultural, the average age in the US and UK is 16-18. But in Japan, it's over 19.

To a Westerner [or even a heavily Westernized non-Westerner], having a kid at 15 is unfortunate, but not untenable; you've seen it on TV, you might know people like that, you might even be that kid or that parent. But in Jo's case, with him being 4 or 5 years younger than average, it's like if someone told you they had their first time--had a /kid/--at 13 or under. That's the equivalent discrepancy. That /is/ concerning, to me.

It's also something that's linked to negative outcomes in adulthood, partly because of the likelihood of forming bonds with poorly-adjusted peers. Jo specifically states he and Ikumi were only together because others who came from backgrounds like his own were all he had back then. [As an aside, it's interesting to see him instinctively seek out a relationship where his pain would be understood without having to say anything--or one where he could assume it would, at any rate.]

When it comes to his relationship with Ikumi, I've always felt there was this "adult dynamic" between them--in the sense it feels like one that'd be more fitting for adults to get into than a couple of teens. It was, based on his wording, a primarily physical relationship neither of them expected to last even if they were living together. To me, it's one thing if you're fully convinced you're in love or you're experimenting or whatever and that results in an unplanned pregnancy, but it's another thing entirely to have such a bleak yet objective outlook on your relationship so young.

And it didn't have to be that way. He could've been just like Arakawa, head-over-heels in love with this girl who was The Only Good Thing He Had Going, or something like that. But the sheer contrast between how Arakawa was crazy about Akane and never forgot about her for the rest of his life, while Jo more-or-less-clearly didn't have feelings for Ikumi and can't bring himself to remember her name after living with her for at least a year and experiencing life-changing events with her…

It's notable to me that Arakawa maintains an interest in women while nearly every in-character interpretation I've seen makes Jo averse to women. Obviously, we don't really know that; it's probably just based on his general attitudes, his contrast with Arakawa, and maybe his immunity to Charm. But I think there's a reason a lot of people pick up on it and tie it to trauma rather than/in addition to a lack of interest in women.

I've talked about this through the lens of comphet already [and Jo being gay or ace or both would present other difficulties], but I can't overstate how notable it is on its own. We see Jo's response to traumatic events, and it's to become preoccupied with them, to investigate further if he has any leads. That's why he remembers every minute detail of the night Masato was born and the time he saw Arakawa attempt to comfort Masato when he was crying and hitting himself. I think it's also why he gets as far as he does when looking into Arakawa's death, and why he entrusts the search to Ichi. He never seems to manage to block them out, even if that's what he'd rather do--even if that's what he thinks he's doing.

So if he "[doesn't] even remember" the name of the mother of his child, I get the feeling there's something more going on. Like I've [probably] said in the past, Jo genuinely sounds traumatized by the relationship as a whole. More than anything else he's been through, and he's been through a lot. It's often the case that CSA survivors who are also survivors of other trauma view it as worse than anything else that happened to them.

And that's not to implicate Ikumi at all, I don't think it's a case of COCSA--everything I've said holds just as true for her, and she had to suffer the additional trauma of an unwanted pregnancy and childbirth, at that. Rather, I think it would make sense for something like CSA, which often incontrovertibly reconfigures one's relationship with sex and love, to be a factor in why they rushed into a something physical before they were mature enough to handle it.

Some victims end up having perfectly healthy experiences, some victims end up avoiding them, some victims end up re-victimized, and some victims end up with a mixed bag--there's a lot of variation. But some victims do end up having relationships like this and making mistakes like this, because that's all they know, or because they want to heal but don't [or don't know how to] go about it in a healthy way, at a healthy pace. And I definitely think if you recognize that's what the basis of your relationship was, that it all comes back to something you'd rather forget, it'd make sense to want to forget the relationship as a whole.

To that end, it's possible to come away from a relationship traumatized even if no one did anything wrong. I've [probably] talked about how the way Jo comforts her at the station feels like he's doing it for her sake and pushing his own feelings down, but neither of them is really buying it. If that's a pattern in their relationship, perhaps he wouldn't have been able to communicate if maybe what they were doing was dredging up bad memories, if he wanted to stop but didn't think she did. So to go through with it, then get the news months later…

Either way, the fact Ikumi couldn't bring herself to tell him she was pregnant until nothing could be done would, for Jo, invariably cement the feeling he has no control over what happens around him. I think the sense of powerlessness he felt is why he blew up at her when she told him, because it's really the only time we see him lash out like that at her. At the park, he objects to going back for Masato, sure, but he's passive. And I think that unbroken pattern of powerlessness in his life [which CSA would only compound on] is why he's so reactionary, why he's so emotionally dysregulated, why he expresses his rage through what basically amounts to power-tripping.

But I do think Jo does have a great deal of awareness. A lot of his wording when he's telling Ichi about it borders on poetic, or at the very least candid and effective. That requires both prior reflection and a command of language. I think there's a lot he understands deep down, at least after sitting with it for long enough, but he isn't capable of voicing--or doesn't know how to voice--what's on his mind, most of the time.

So when he joins the Arakawa Family, when he rises the ranks and has that control back, his control has to be near-absolute. If it's undermined in any way--such as, for example, a certain someone failing to answer a call within two rings--he loses it. On the other side of the coin, I do feel a lot of why his devotion and gratitude towards Arakawa goes to the extent it does, why he's so comfortable with him, is because Arakawa gave him the safety of the Arakawa Family, gave him back his autonomy, gave him the environment--and treated him with enough humanity to give him the reason--to learn to regulate himself, to better himself.

And Arakawa /gets/ trauma. He really does. Aside from his own abusive background, literally the only time the word trauma comes out of any character's mouth in this series, it's Arakawa's. It comes back to Jo saying others who came from backgrounds like his own were all he had; that never changed, did it?

Lastly, For Funsies [<- LIE. COMPLETE LIE. TURN BACK NOW] I wanted to go through the items on this [CSA] Survivors' Aftereffects Checklist I could check off with near-certainty. 19/34, by the way, give or take. Now, as I said at the beginning, there are existing concrete reasons for why he has many of these experiences… but it's like the trans allegory with Masato, To Me… If I can check off over half the list based on a very limited backstory and an hour of screen time total, that's indicative of a notable overlap… TO ME…

Note that the book this list is from was published in 1990 and focuses on women's experiences. It was a huge step forward in giving survivors a voice back when a lot of existing research indicated CSA had neutral or even positive effects on children, but it's definitely a product of its time. With that out of the way…

Wearing a lot of clothing, even in summer […]

To be fair, most male characters in RGG are fully-covered and have near-unchanging designs, and it's winter in both 2000/2001 and presumably 2019, but… when it comes to Jo, it feels a little different.

He does have Some Heavage in his twenties [although the necklace takes the attention off of his actual chest], but as time goes on, he shows less and less skin and adds more and more layers. When he has the gloves on, it leaves no skin exposed at all, and there's this direct symbolic correlation with secrecy that isn't there for other characters. And if you're wearing three layers of leather [or even one], you can neither feel what you're touching nor feel anything touch you.

Pure Speculation, but I just can't really see him underdressed for any occasion… That's why his fit in Day with the Sun is funny as hell but also… yeah…

As a behavior, if it's rooted in anything, it's probably rooted in having to hide signs of physical abuse, of course--but then he kind of already had an excuse, with how he was constantly getting into fights. I guess it depends on the specifics, but I think it's interesting to consider this as one way CSA victims attempt to regain control of their bodies, avoiding emotional discomfort at the cost of physical discomfort.

Self-destructiveness

It's nothing super overt, but I see this most clearly represented in his second boss fight in particular; his willingness to wield a blade bare-handed while using enough force he could very well render his hand useless. I think it's potentially also evident in how he has severe cataracts he chooses to ignore and allow to worsen, despite having the reasons and resources to undergo surgery to restore his vision. In doing so, he literally and figuratively blinds himself to so much.

I also kind of think the assassination of Hoshino/the anonymous call and The Eye Scene are examples of self-sabotage. I mean, he literally was sabotaging himself in the former, but it's also the specific way he feels the need to be physically taken down in order to be stopped--possibly a holdover from RGGJo, who's only too happy to be beaten into a coma.

I don't know… It's hard to pinpoint, but I feel like he would be averse to most of the more "obvious" self-destructive behaviors--especially when he has people in his life who might notice and worry, like Ikumi and Arakawa. That and because many of them are addictive. He's seen what that's done to his father, and he's also developed this incredibly rigid sense of discipline he can't maintain if he doesn't have a clear head.

From how he talks about himself [as having lost his humanity and lived a half-assed life], I definitely think he's at the very least unkind to himself, but I also think he does externalize it by provoking others to harm him [in the case of physical fights] and reject him. Like he needs some kind of proxy perpetrator. For some abuse victims, this specific manifestation of self-destructive behavior is a way to regain control--whether or not you "deserved it" back then, you do now, as a direct, logical result of your actions.

Need to be invisible, perfect, or perfectly bad

I think each of these needs manifests in different ways for Jo. The need to be invisible can be seen with authority figures (mainly Aoki, but also Arakawa in The Yubitsume Scene, a little; how drastically he pulls back and tries to act "normal")--this relates to what you were talking about with being reluctant to intrude or take up space. If you fall under the radar, maybe you won't get hurt.

The need to be perfect can be seen in his seemingly "impossible" standards, I would say. Of course, because we see things from Ichiban's perspective, we tend to see them as unfair and often arbitrary demands. But they aren't arbitrary to Jo, are they? They're standards he holds himself to through and through. If you're good, maybe you won't get hurt.

The need to be perfectly bad can be seen in and relates to much of what I discussed under self-destructiveness [The Eye Scene and the way he antagonizes Ichiban specifically by making himself out to be worse than he is]. If you must get hurt, it can at least "make sense"--be "deserved."

Suicidal thoughts, attempts, obsession (including "passive suicide")

Obviously he's not like… Mine Levels Of Overtly And Consistently Suicidal, and he doesn't attempt suicide himself, but at the same time, I have to note his total ambivalence towards Aoki seeing him as a "bullet" (a kind of hitman sent on suicide missions). He agreed to what he himself viewed as a suicide mission and he didn't care what would happen to him afterward, as he says to Joon-gi, Zhao, and Adachi.

Aside from that, I certainly feel he's at least had passive thoughts like wanting to disappear or wishing he'd never been born. Y'know. Nothing concrete, but reflective of his mental state, and just as detrimental to dwell on long-term.

I think there's a sort of childishness [for lack of a better word] to thoughts like these [in that they're impossible], but also a level of maturity in that it probably doesn't escalate to something more actionable because he understands he has responsibilities he can't abandon. I think if he was ever seriously suicidal, it would be at the points of his life where he really didn't have any responsibility to anyone, like between Ikumi leaving and him joining the family, or after he was arrested.

Depression (sometimes paralyzing) […]

I'm trying not to over explain going forward because I Have BEEN Overexplaining It Is SUCH A Disaster… he's depressed If You Have Eyes And/Or Ears… I'll leave it at that…

Anger issues; inability to recognize, own, or express anger; constant anger […]

Lol

Rigid control of one's thought process; humorlessness or extreme solemnity

Relates back to what I was saying about how disciplined he is [and expects everyone else to be], but in general, he's incredibly, incredibly serious and focused. I don't think he's /entirely/ humorless [but then again, very few people are]; I just think his specific sense of humor is. Like. What Is Your Problem [I Know What Your Problem Is I Have Been Discussing It In EXCRUCIATING Detail But What The Fuck Is Your Problem]

Trust issues; inability to trust (trust is not safe); total trust; trusting indiscriminately

That's why he was planning on taking his secret to the grave, isn't it? It was only when faced with the realization it would soon be too late to say anything that he was able to tell Ichiban. He could've trusted Arakawa, should've been able to, but… in his mind he never could.

This book [and this checklist] is about "incest" actually, but it redefines "incest" to mean any instance of CSA perpetrated by any individual the victim trusts or has an expectation of being able to implicitly trust. Which… is most CSA as we understand it today, so I've edited some parts to just say that.

Anyway, I've never given much thought to the specifics of what Jo might've experienced--who did it, what happened, how long it went on, etc.--so there's no conclusion I can draw here [and elsewhere, I'm sure]… but even without that, to grow up unable to trust the one person who should be in his corner, his father, and to have his trust betrayed by Ikumi, it's no surprise Jo ended up like this either way. So… I'm happy he had the courage to tell Ichi, in the end.

High risk taking ("daring the fates"); inability to take risks

I think these are supposed to be mutually exclusive, but to me, Hoshino's assassination and Arakawa's assassination represent both sides of the coin, although they're not the only examples. There are risks Jo won't think twice about taking and risks that paralyze him.

Boundary issues; control, power, territoriality issues; fear of losing control; obsessive/compulsive behaviors (attempts to control things that don't matter, just to control something)

Lol…

Guilt, shame; low self-esteem, feeling worthless; high appreciation of small favors by others

Lmao Even…

Feeling demand to "produce and be loved"; instinctively knowing and doing what the other person needs or wants; relationships mean big tradeoffs (love was taken, not given)

I actually think this encapsulates a lot of what I've been saying about his work ethic, his ideas of discipline, and his relationship with Ikumi, but I also think it's why Masato took a liking to him. His attentiveness. It ties back into wanting to be perfect; when you're abused--especially long-term--you become attuned to observing and responding to any shifts in mood or tone. This is another area where I can't draw any conclusions relevant to my point, but it does certainly relate to his father's abuse, at any rate.

Abandonment issues

Kind of contentious… The anticipation of being abandoned by or losing someone he cares about appears to be worse than the actual experience. He's fine with Ikumi leaving him, and he's… not Fine With, but able to come to terms with Arakawa's death and Aoki's abandonment of him. At the same time, he really does try to make Ikumi's stay in his life comfortable, and he spends almost forty years doing his damnedest to keep his family together, whatever the cost. If I were to extrapolate from RGGJo, though, /he/ does have an obsessive, unhealthy attachment to Arakawa.

Blocking out some period of early years (especially 1–12); or a specific person or place

Ikumiiiiii that's what I'm SAYINGGGG

Feeling of carrying an awful secret; urge to tell, fear of its being revealed; certainty no one will listen; being generally secretive […]

Rofl Perhaps…

Denial; […] repression of memories; pretending; minimizing ("it wasn't that bad") […]

He admits to it himself. Not much else to say. Though I don't think he necessarily minimizes what he's been through by dismissing how bad it was; rather, he tends to overestimate his ability to move past it.

Pattern of ambivalent or intensely conflictive relationships (intimacy is a problem; also focus shifted from [CSA] issues)

Also kind of contentious… we don't see a pattern of romantic relationships, as I assume the author meant here, but at the same time, the romantic relationship and non-romantic relationships we do see fit this pattern. I guess I'd say I definitely think intimacy /would/ be a problem, and he /wouldn't/ be ready to address his issues.

Limited tolerance for happiness; active withdrawal from happiness, reluctance to trust happiness ("ice=thin")

The quote that prompted this ask in the first place. It's sort of connected to the point about humorlessness and extreme solemnity; if that was the "what," this is the "why." He doesn't know how to relax ["holidays don't exist" and all], he doesn't have much to be happy about, but even rarer is the occasion where he doesn't feel too conflicted in the moment to be able to enjoy himself. That's just how I see him.

[…] verbal hypervigilance (careful monitoring of one's words); quiet-voiced, especially when needing to be heard

EXACTLY what I was talking about in this ask, so I'm leaving that one up to past me…

......

... That's It That's The Essay I'm going to hibernate until Infinite Wealth comes out and somehow refutes my points but UNTIL THEN. Farewell, take care, and once more, don't worry too much about matching my energy… Like I Said if I were the one receiving this ask I'd just delete my blog, so… I'll just be happy to know you read it :] If That lmao

ok i read it :) 👁️👁️ READMYTAGSTHERESMORETHEREIPROMISE

#long post #cw csa #doublin up to add cw warnins in the tags just in case <3 lemme know if i should throw more tags down here..... im bad at cw tags....#i forget my bookmark tag for asks from you i stg if i cant find this ask in the future im kmsing (in minecraft) immediately #snap chats #THE SNORT I MADE AT THE DEADPAN 'LOL'☠️ maybe i SHOULDVE put text In The Main Text i have A Lot of Thoughts..#im leavin the main text empty since. ngl i was just gonna compare/contrast to myself again... and say a lot of what weve said b4..#UNFORTUNATELY a lot of the things listed here uhmmmm Hm <3 Uh Oh <3 i do understand. Dare I Say personally. just a bit #I DO HAVE TO DISCLAIM ive never been a survivor of THOSE circumstances or really. any abuse tbh- brain just sucks and im a baby #and i cant say no BUT ANYWAY I HAVE REASONS FOR BEIN AN EGOTIST I SWEAR its cause I Somewhat had those exps/i understand them #i can REAAAALLLYY easily see where your points are coming from.... very easily even... like very in-depth..#even if i didnt cry bout spilled milk every other day it IS clear to see the signs of abuse in sawashiro once you know them #i've def talked bout those aspects of him whether in tag rambles or in streams or have Attempted to express it via fics #so really the bits to chew on for me esp this time round is the more CSA aspects #tbh when it comes to bein unable to see him intimate or 'underdressed' i agree: incredibly hard for me to imagine #the thing with 'symptoms' of abuse is that they kinda overlap i guess ??#in that regard it can either be a need to impress or protect himself/needing to be seen less #when it comes to doing certain things because of CSA i could see it as a result of another abuse too. if that makes sense #THOUGH THAT ISNT TO DISCREDIT THE IDEA nono cause there still exists the Now That I Think About It circumstances of masato #even if we look at it through Western Norms(TM) two- essentially homeless- kids having. A Kid is still bizarre #cause again teen pregnancies generally happen as a result of Bein Irresponsible With A Schoolmate- not that other situations cant exist #but thats the most common innit so. def an aspect to consider. All Things Considered. esp jo's self-separation from ikumi #BUT YEAH i feel like if i try to respond im just gonna end up typing up a textbook bout abuse since. UNFORTUNATELY #childhood psychology is my field of interest. and aint no one readin THAT phat thing. esp when ill prob repeat myself or you ☠️#tbh remindin meself of when i said id write psyche papers on mine and/or jo.... oops 👀💋👀 savin this to steal notes from LOL #i hope yo know i WAS thoroughly intrigued reading this. As Ive Said childhood psyche is Literally My Field and this is v thorough and good #so im always interested in readin bout How X Caused Y in Z... very interesting many MANY things to think about.. ty...#forever cursed to be an idiot cause i really wish i could talk better and say somethin of substance.. ik you said its fine but still..#im always open to chat bout this more if youd like PLEASE dont think my lack of Main Text is disinterest Im Just Stupid. But We Know That

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queen-mabs-revenge · 6 months

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'stunted gen-z' bc they're calling joe biden 'genocide joe'

no. they're right. and any time you try and shame someone into voting for this murder regime you're complicit.

#genocide joe #perfectly said #man is drenched in the blood of palestinians #covering the layers of caked on blood from afghanis #and the spilled guts of the usa working class esp ppl of color #with his signature crime bill #absolutely ghoulish monster of a human being who should be visited by every ounce of pain he's meted out #but won't be bc he's protected by the profit interests he's served his entire life

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monomorphilogical · 2 months

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Silently placated

in the curvature of the shattered altar glass

took a look at you and then I didn't let it pass

a martyr laying upon the fractured velvet

like inhaling the recovered cigarette

I'm a real goddamn hypocrite

and I know that you wouldn't get it

the conveyed vision like a dream come true

of a moment where you'll see just how I see you

you're never more than a few inches away from me

with my hands over your eyes so you don't see

pupils blown when I'm looking at you

passed the bravado I'm goddamn see-through

mouth to mouth so I won't hear you say another word

letting me go on with all my edges blurred

I don't love you the same anymore

but I still love the way you're lingering at the door

passed decaying grass where I buried the key

convinced by the echoing reasons covering me

so you don't need to know

I'm a holy opportunist refusing to let it go

a self-sacrificial silence to never hurt anyone

my veiled devotion at the end of another loaded gun

I know I've got a real good kicked dog mentality

remainder of dispersed morality

sincerely hopeless and placated without sight

I'm still shooting blanks to the gunfight

and I've never missed but with you I always do

I couldn't get myself to hurt you

even when I'm bleeding out around your teeth

my skin red and burning up underneath

secretly praying you'll go and bite right through me

mouth flooded with endless sensuality

but I'm holding steady with bite marks healed over

while all my fever dreams come creeping closer

comfortable on the edge of the knife

you don't know how I wear these scars for life

too many stone cold nights where the blood runs blue

I always start praying to the ghost of you

doubtlessly judged underneath the eye of God

but I'm still flesh and blood

and I'm watching you when you're looking away

like a real goddamned teenage cliche

I'm all shades of red beneath you in these dreams

all over you like a fallen angel just to please

but no matter what I'll do

I'm not telling you

#like that lyric: I can crave you but you don't need to know #desire in the form of fingers an inch away from reaching the top shelf #writeblr #writing #original writing #writers of tumblr #poetry #poem #spilled ink #poems on tumblr #poetry by renae #renae #also die-hard projecting and knowing this you keep quiet (to protect you both from inevitable hurt)

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darewolfcreates · 11 months

Photo

Copper and silver ring I made :]

pre-soldered and rounded version under cut:

wimgs :]

#their not as easy to read as wings when bent and in photo form...#also yes i nicked the silver a bit... but its finne!!#im very happy with how it turned out :] and it fits perfectly!#we were given 1 long strip of silver incase we messed up and needed to make a second ring but i didnt use the other half of the silver and #still have it sitting around... idk what im gonna do with it...#melt it down and use it on one of my swords to make it better at fighting wearwolves /j #my art #artists on tumblr #silver #copper #metalsmithing #jewlery #ring #wings #wing #you will be seeing that sketch in the background of the last pic eventolly... im scanning all my sketchbooks from the year rn an its taken #me 4 days so far... i have just the 2 notebooks left out of 10 books in total.#3d art #again art looks like it got soaked in an oil spill becuse its glazed to protect from ai theft. thankf for understanding :]#cant wait to share with yall the junk i made in blacksmithing...#its not impresive by my standards but i had fun makeing it! my grandma also said that if my uncle doesent want it that he will be leaveing #me his fordge in his will so maby some day theres a chance i might get to do blacksmithign again :]#i whould like that... it was so fun...#also branded myself several times... but thats besides the point!

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glitter-lisp · 2 years

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Okay but like. AU where Antiope does accept the internship at the Ministry, slowly loses contact with the rest of the Maidens... and then years later just so happens to bump into and reconnect with her old friend Sam Nightingale, now one of Solace's premier adventurers?

#dimension 20 #d20 the seven #antiope jones #sam nightingale #what is their ship name idk #it's heavily implied that antiope would have been trained to do what jana did #and I think it would be fascinating to see an au where she accepted #and for years she's been adding to the family legacy and protecting solace's interests #and growing more and more terrified of the things she's done and the person she's becoming #so when charity tells her that her past friendship with sam makes her the perfect candidate to keep an eye on her 'just in case'#she plays the 'accidental' meeting and the careful catching up and the masterful flirtation just as tactfully as she's been taught #and on their third date when sam takes her out on a late night boat ride #antiope throws both their crystals and her earpiece into the water #and spills the whole thing and begs sam to help her tear it all down #they of course have to hunt down the rest of the party for help #ostentatia and sam have kept in touch because they move in the same circles #same with sam and zelda by virtue of fig and the cig figs and lola #Katja joined her dad's party and Danielle has been working full time with the cubbys #(and they all swear they were the seven and not the six but no one can remember penny until she shows up and breaks the memory spell)#anyways give me the party going from being politely interacting or fully out of touch with each other #to suddenly reforming as adults and finding it both easier and harder than expected

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in-tenebris-et-in-solitudine · 5 months

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I get back to our messages and read them once in a while.. Yesterday I thought, how can someone feel so real and yet be so fake, how can someone fabricate a connection while you've poured your deepest darkest secrets? Well, that's life, you never know who's real to you. I guess the younger me was right, you shouldn't trust literally no one.

#emotional betrayal #deception #fake connection #hurt #disillusionment #distrust #vulnerability #life lessons #self-protection #cynicism #unexpected betrayal #questioning connections #guarded heart #protecting one's inner circle #learning from past experiences #cautious approach to trust #finding genuine connections #spilled thoughts

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literatureinfurs · 8 months

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You shouldn’t hate yourself. You are human. This is your family and it is so hard to walk away from family, especially when they are trauma bonded to you (and vise versa) and that unhealthy cycle and unhealthy relationship was a reality for you for so long and it was all you knew; it is familiar and familial. It is incredibly difficult and that self hatred is something of survivor’s guilt. It is okay to be happy and protect your peace, and it is okay to grieve the suffering and grieve the pain. However, it is never okay to let it manifest in self hatred because you will create a bonded cycle of that, like a space-filler for where that unhealthy/abusive/toxic relationship once was (may even still linger). The old Cherokee Proverb The Tale of Two Wolves is truly one I go back nearly to every day, especially in times when I am struggling (rather with self v self, or self v destiny, or self v family). To drastically summarize the tale, that I learned when I was rather young, and the thought I come back to: There are two wolves within you and the wolf you feed is the one that wins. This can be broken down for the sake of any momentary need or in relation to the dynamic of unhealthy cycles and dichotomies that exist within the reality of past and present (future, if we want to get extensive; albeit mindfulness should start and end at the present; helps the ideology of boundaries as well) — trauma and toxic/abuse relations. So, it is okay to grieve and waver through the process of survivor’s guilt (of a sorts: metaphorically and literally) and remorse and to be happy and protect your peace. Although, do not let it cultivate into self hatred, or self destructive behaviors or thoughts (or feelings). I am here to remind you this. For a place to rest your head. To make sure you don’t fall back or fall down for too long.

— messily written myself, @literatureinfurs // excerpt from today, August 29th 2023.

#unedited #personal #spilled thoughts #spilled ink #thoughts #excerpts from my journal #self written #personal writings #personal thoughts #horrors and growing pains #girlhood to womanhood #toxicity #and healing #protect your peace #it is okay to grieve #excerpt out of context #literatureinfurs

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histoires-en-bouteille · 11 months

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I had an thought earlier today while doing a picrew of Ava

I haven't shared images, "pictures" of Ava or Todd here, but you may remember that Ava has white hair, and you may have guessed from the desert snipper that Ava always dress in full-black outfits. Todd, while dressing similarly, does have a few things in his outfits that make him stand out; including his jacket. While Ava's is completely black, Todd's jacket is leather brown - darker because of time, it's worn out, but it's still visibly brown. It's the most obvious feature for anyone who see the two accross the street: Ava is the shadow, dark mass with a white patch - her hair; Todd is somehow more appealing - more human-like. Brown jacket, brown hair, not always wearing gloves, more likely to smile.

But mostly, brown jacket. It's important to him, he got it as a gift from his mother, and nothing could make him part from it.

Nothing, except maybe one thing. One person.

He only told her once how important that jacket was to him. How much it meant to have it gifted to him, to own it and wear it, how it helped him thorugh the darkest moments, the bloodiest nights. He told him all of that while they were fighting - more than a week of silence followed that argument.

She never forgot. He never talked about it again.

Until he did. IT had to do with Ava's jacket being torn, or something of the kind, and her admitting that it was nothing more than fabric, that she could replace it and not care much.

"Take mine." he had said.

"Come on now."

"Ava, I'm serious," he had nodded, taken off the jacket, "take it. It's yours."

And she, her usual, brutal self, had declined.

"Keep that shit to yourself. You know what I always say about that thing."

They were masters of double meaning and subtle hints. But sometimes, frankness was the only option.

"Yeah I know, but I don't care, I'm giving it to you anyway. It's yours now, no taking back."

And she had rolled her eyes, and he had given her the finger. Even after all these years, he could always find a way to reach her. He could always bring warmth to that cold, cold heart.

"Whatever. You'll have to keep wearing it for now, because I still have a jacket, and you clearly have none to replace this one. Plus-"

"-brown suits me more? Hard agree on that."

And there it was. A smile, shy, but genuine and amused. His was always brighter. He was the brighter one. The touch of colour in a world full of darkness.

She pretended not to hear what he said after - the mere thought of it would twist her stomach and she hated it.

But the inevitable must happen. She couldn't change his fate.

Sitting on the edge of the hole she had just dug, staring mindlessly in the emptiness, she could hear the sentence again and again and again, repeating itself like a twisted curse.

"When I'll die, you'll be able to wear it. I won't be here anymore to tell you not to stain it. You'll do with it whatever you want."

And she would stare, finally, at that bloody jacket.

Literally, bloody jacket. Covered in dark red stains, one that wouldn't come off even if she tried to clean them off. And there she would sit, facing the dilema: to bury him with his memories of home, of love, and family - all of these things she ripped him off from, all of the things now forever stained with the blood that she spilled; or take it.

Take the jacket, and rob him from the last thing he had ever owned, therefore taking away everything from him: his home, his family, his safety, his life. His jacket. Take it, and carry forever the burden of his fate.

She could leave the jacket behind, and break her silent promise, but allow him to keep his fondest memories.

Allow him. Even in death, she would make decisions for his. Even in death, he wouldn't have a say in his fate.

She could take the jacket. It was her burden, after all, her promise to keep. But the idea of leaving him without any protection, without any memory...

And for what would feel like hours, she would torment herself with a decision that should have been avoided.

Somehow, it should have been avoided.

@chaoticvampirejedi @m-o-o-n-s-g-o-o-n-s

#writing #sacrificed #ava & todd #i know i know #feelings #also even I don't know if she would take the jacket or not #and honestly i don't know which is worse because not taking it means forever burying anything related to Todd with him and carrying nothing #-from him like nothing physical + breaking her 'silent promise' to take the jacket after his death + punishing herself because she feels-#like she does not deserve. to take the jacket. she does not deserves the love and safety and memories that go with it #and if she did take the jacket it would be to also punish herself by forcing herself to carry the burden - the burden of knowing she lost-#-Todd forever and there's no going back no getting him back no saving him anymore; the burden of the blood she spilled and what she caused #the burden of knowing that now she is truly forever alone and that the only person who could bring colour in her darkness is now gone.#i mean whatever the choice it would be to punish herself and she WOULD blame her for the additional suffering she would cause to Todd #taking the jacket = taking away his memories - leaving him bare and without protection = massive guilt #not taking the jacket = breaking the promise + moving on from Todd + feeding her own revenge over their relationship = massive guilt #either way she would choose what causes her more pain and would also somehow find a way to make that pain worse #sorry i think my tags made it worse kinda #anyway it's 2am i didn't proofread so apologies for the mistakes and all #i shall now go to sleep #and somehow dream of sweeter moments between Todd and Ava #because fate allows it #'fate'#*suspicious eyes emoji*

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