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spatialwave · 24 hours

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"baby, don't you know? that you're my golden hour."

pairing: pre-war!cooper howard x ftm!actor!reader word count: 2.5k summary: being an up-and-coming actor had you fighting tooth and nail for opportunities. you were young, though, still had much to learn and people to impress. you were surprised when cooper howard took it upon himself to mentor you. the cowboy star supported you through thick & thin — a light in your life that reminded you everything would be alright. warnings/tags: sfw, implied transphobia, angst, grief, mention of death, hurt/comfort, fluff. notes: as a transmasc enby, i get very passionate writing ftm!reader stories. this had been sitting in my brain for awhile, so thank you to anon for sending an ask that kicked my ass into gear and write it!

“what do you mean? they told me last week that i had the goddamn job,” your voice was loud and snappy, jaw clenching as you fell back into the chair with a heavy thud, “i did three goddamn auditions and even did a table read, now they’re saying i’m not the right fit? what the hell is that supposed to mean? i put in the fucking work already.”

you were sitting in your agent’s office full of luxury furniture, expensive paintings and the gaudiest decorations. with a red face, you huffed as he explained to you the situation at hand.

your next movie had dropped you as the supporting actor. it would’ve given you enough screen time for it to be your real breakthrough role and shoot you up into the fame and glory you’d been fighting for.

“well,” your agent sighed, leaning forward against his desk, “there’s been word going around about you.”

defensive, you furrowed your brows in confusion, “what word?”

he’d grown uncomfortable, putting one leg over the other as he rested into his chair and thought about what to say next. he needed to be careful with his words, seeing that you had been ready to knock shit off of his desk if he angered you anymore.

“i think you should read this,” he murmured, filtering through papers on his desk until he grabbed a folded newspaper and pushed it toward you.

your heart sank as you snatched the paper, eyes wide and shaky when you read the front page. it was all about you. your deadname was plastered in large text as the article detailed your past that you had gone lengths to keep out of the public eye.

you changed your name, moved away from home and started your transition quietly. you had done everything to make sure that people perceived you the way you wanted.

but life was never that easy.

your eyes settled on a few words, ‘a trusted source confirmed.’ thoughts ran through your mind, thinking of any person who you’d grown up with, family members, ex-friends—anyone who would be willing to spill career-ruining information for a quick lump of cash.

“i had no idea—“ your agent spoke, but you cut him off.

“i was hoping to keep it that way until i was in a damn grave” you said, voice calm but cheeks red and breath heavy, “fuck this.”

there was nothing worth sticking around for, who the hell would want to hire you now? there were too many close-minded people in the world, and you could already imagine the headlines of them lumping you right in with the opposition. a trans, american communist.

fucking christ.

the following week you isolated yourself in your apartment, high-end and expensive. you couldn’t even feel comfortable in your own home because the looming possibility of being unable to pay rent was alive and very real. you stayed in your bed, wondering how on earth you thought you’d be able to careen through life without anyone finding out.

you were lucky that your mother supported you every step of the way when you were a young, confused teen. she helped you navigate your feelings and even urged you to talk to a professional. one year later, you’d started testosterone injections.

she passed three years ago, leaving you with nothing but her memories and the devastating reality that you’d be alone from here on out. you always hoped your secret died with her.

you melted away on your bed as the sound of thunder boomed loudly and shook your apartment, rotting into nothingness. sleep was on the horizon, but you’d been interrupted by a buzzing sound vibrating from your intercom. you didn’t move, keeping your eyes shut tight and hoping the sound would stop.

buzz.

“who is it?” you asked tiredly, pressing your forehead against the buzzer.

“a friend,” a southern voice replied, full of static.

you let go of the button that connected your voice to the intercom at the entrance of your apartment, closing your eyes and wishing that cooper would turn around and leave. His pity was far from what you needed

you were angry at the world, and that included him.

swallowing a lump down your throat, you pressed the door buzzer, feeling it vibrate beneath your finger until you were certain the cooper was inside the apartment and out of the rain.

with a blanket strung over your shoulders, your bare feet padded against the hardwood flooring as you unlocked your door. three locks for safety.

you waited to hear footsteps, your ear pressed against the door while your gazed focused on nothing in particular. a shell of a human was the only way you could describe yourself.

you’d never felt this dark before.

a gentle knock rapped against the wooden door, and you had to force yourself to open it up slowly as the lights from the hallway spilled into your dim apartment. meeting cooper’s gaze left you feeling like the smallest man in the world, even if you were the same height.

“you look like crap, kid,” cooper sighed, getting a good look at you. you hadn’t showered in a couple of days and your stubble had started to grow out. for years, you’d been so meticulous with how you looked, never once letting someone see you less than your best. not even cooper.

“stating the obvious,” you murmured, stepping back to give the older man time to step in. you didn’t bother sticking around for a proper greeting, already heading back to your bed so you could collapse on top of it, burying your face into your pillows.

the sound of cooper’s footsteps made you queasy, curling into a ball and peeking out as he turned on a lamp near the doorway.

“why didn’t ya’ tell me?” he asked, rolling up the sleeves of his button up to his elbows, having discarded his coat and hat. you rarely ever saw him dressed so casually.

through furrowed brows, you glared at him, “i didn’t have to tell anyone a goddamn thing, you know. it was my secret to keep.”

“i didn’t mean it like that,” he sighed, stepping close until you felt the bed dip down next to you, “you’re not obligated to tell anyone your secrets,” his voice was so soft, it made your stomach twist, “but you’ve been ignoring my calls. why?”

a deep, shaky breath came from you as you looked at the man sitting next to you on the bed, his face lit up by the warm lamp, “i don’t need your help. i’m fine, cooper.”

“you’re a terrible liar,” he murmured, a tiny smile on his lips, “you always have been.”

you hated how well his voice and presence soothed you. for the first time in days you felt a spark of hope in your chest, but you stomped it out before it could burn bright.

“i know,” you whispered, moving to rest upright against the headboard with the blanket tight around you, “i figured you wouldn’t want to be seen with me.”

you didn’t dare look him in the eyes because the last thing you needed was for him to feel sorry for you. it wouldn’t be the first time someone questioned your identity and been turned off by it, many of your old friends had left you in the dust. considering you some kind of freak.

yet, there was cooper howard loyally at your side, his hazel eyes showing nothing but compassion and care for you.

you could remember it clear as day, the first time you filmed a scene with him. it was your first big movie gig after years of ads and small roles on television shows, a character that would be memorable if you played it well. cooper was the lead, a sheriff with a heart of gold, and you were his loveable, naive deputy.

feeling sick to your stomach was an understatement, you vividly remember looking in a mirror and seeing how sunken in your eyes were. you’d been trembling all morning, repeating your lines under your breath as you sweltered underneath the heat radiating from the floodlights that lit up the desert scene.

cooper approached you with that big smile of his, his teeth perfect. everything about him was perfect.

the two of you had run lines weeks and days before, but as you stared at him then, you felt your mind draw a blank. you weren’t going to make a good impression on anyone, especially him.

“you good, kid?” he asked you, head tilting as the makeup department did quick touch ups before the cameras started rolling.

“yeah. i’m great, never been better.” you forced a smile, which got a snort of laughter out of the esteemed actor.

“you’re a terrible liar,” he laughed, reaching over and giving your shoulder a few strong pats, “don’t worry, alright? remember that you’re here because you deserve it. you’ve got skill.”

the rest of the movie was a breeze.

cooper had stuck by your side since then, taking on a role like a mentor. he gave you acting tips, took you for coffee to meet with a better agent, and made sure you had all the connections you needed for making your career even bigger than his own.

you’re not even sure of the exact day you fell in love with him, but after a year of pining for him in secret, you knew you had to end things before trouble found its way to you.

then, he and barb divorced. so, like the devoted little mentee you were, you stayed by his side.

you helped him start up his gig work, which took weeks of convincing, and it only paid just enough to get the alimony to his ex-wife. you’d even started purchasing the dinners and coffees that you two love to frequent, knowing that at some point he wouldn’t be able to treat you as much as he used to.

cooper had become your lifeline, and this was the easiest way to repay him.

“why would you think that?”

cooper’s voice snapped you out of your daze, eyes readjusting to focus on the man sitting in front of you. he sat there with his brown eyes big and wide, the golden glow from your lamp creating a halo around his head.

“well, uh, you wouldn’t be the first to think that,” your voice was barely above a whisper as you dropped your gaze, full of shame.

he exhaled a heavy breath out of his nose, “i’d never do that to you, you know that,” his voice was a comfort to your broken heart, “look at me, i need you to see me say it,” you listened, eyes flickering up to meet his, “i will never ruin what we have over something that makes you… you,” he whispered, his hand holding yours, “you’re the same kid in my eyes and always will be.”

your bottom lip trembled as he spoke, his words digging deep into your heart and leaving you in a mess of emotions. you’d spent the last three days convincing yourself that life was over as you knew it, that all you worked for was just a heap of wood burning away into a pile of nothing.

cooper was a testament to the fact that things would be okay, even if the world wasn’t fair. after his divorce, you knew that he’d lost out on role after role, and if he managed to keep his pride, so could you.

“shit, coop, you’re so stupidly kind,” you laughed, tears rolling down your cheeks as intense emotions flooded you for the first time in months. you weren’t much of a crier, but these wouldn’t stop, “i don’t think there’s anyone in the world who’s as goddamn nice as you. it’s almost sickening how sweet you are.”

the man grinned, “don’t go rubbin’ that in, you’ll inflate my ego and you do not wanna’ see me like that.”

you let out a god-honest laugh for the first time in days, one that made your stomach flutter and leave your cheeks a little sore.

the days got easier after that night. cooper visited you every day, bringing you a coffee and lunch, not leaving until he got a smile out of you. the two of you would sit around chatting for hours, he’d tell you all the bullshit stories of the gigs he’d picked up. he shared how barb was going to let him take janey to the gigs, too, and you saw how bright his eyes shined at the thought of getting to be with his babygirl, even for just a few hours in a day.

cooper reminded you that it was the little things that made life manageable.

a week later, he’d convinced you to go with him to see sugarfoot at her stable the day before a birthday gig, his first time that janey would tag along.

“hey, coop?” your voice was quiet as you sat in the passenger seat of his car, eyes watching the trees pass by as you made way for the stable in a secluded area outside the city. the evening was warm and bright, filling the sky with hues of orange, red and pink.

“hm?” the man hummed, tilting his head to you, but not taking his eyes off the road.

“why me?”

his eyes flickered to you, “what do you mean?”

“why, uh… why’d you choose to mentor me?” you mumbled.

the car slowed down as you approached the turn-off to the stable, cooper looked back to road, “guess i can’t really get away with saying it was just outta’ kindness, huh?”

you chuckled, “i want the real answer.”

as you approached the ranch, cooper rolled the vehicle to a stop and shifted into park. you moved to open up the door, but his words interrupted you.

“you reminded me of myself when i was younger,” he answered honestly, turning his head to look at you, “i figured helpin’ you out would heal my soul, or somethin’ like that.”

“how selfish of you,” you snorted, “and to think i thought you did it out of love.”

you kept laughing to yourself after you spoke, opening up the passenger door and getting out to stretch your long limbs. you turned to look over at cooper, able to see him over the roof of the car, and it was then you noticed the red blush that coated his cheeks. he couldn’t hide it from you, even if he tried.

“c’mon, coop,” you smiled, feeling your heart flutter in your chest as you stepped around the vehicle, motioning for the older man to follow, “you don’t have to admit your love to me yet, just shower me in presents and i’ll know it’s true.”

“you’re a real pain in the ass. you know that, right?” he chuckled, shaking his head in disbelief.

neither of you needed to admit it out loud just yet, the look you shared spoke more than words could.

“i do,” you said through a smile, leaning into his touch as he wrapped an arm around your shoulder and placed a gentle kiss to your temple.

you leaned back, taking one long, good look at cooper. he was breathtaking under the evening sun, his skin radiant. you’d never seen him so happy.

“thank you for everything,” you said.

the colour of my sky. you set my world on fire. and i know, i know everything’s gonna’ be alright.

#cooper howard #cooper howard x reader #the ghoul #the ghoul x reader #cooper howard fic #the ghoul fic #pre war cooper #fallout fic #angst with a happy ending

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metalhoops · 1 year

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Steve starts driving Eddie places after he gets out of the hospital. It just makes sense. He’s so used to chauffeuring Robin and the kids around, that driving with Eddie is natural. Sure, unlike the others Eddie has a driver’s license, but they both know the road is a hell of a lot safer when Eddie isn’t behind the wheel.

The thing is, Eddie’s always complaining about Steve’s music. Steve’s a simple guy. He turns on the radio and listens to whatever it spoon-feeds him (pop garbage, according to Eddie). Steve likes the music well enough. He’s never really loved music, it’s just background noise. Hell, when pushed Steve couldn’t think of what his Vecna song would be. So to avoid Eddie’s gripes he relents and lets Eddie leave a couple of his cassettes in the BMW.

At first, Steve only plays the tapes when Eddie’s in the car but as time passes something changes. Steve finds himself driving home alone, dreading returning to the cold and quiet halls he knows await him in Loch Nora. The radio isn’t cutting it when it comes to drowning out the background chatter and dread in his head, so he switches over to one of Eddie’s tapes. It makes him feel less alone. He can imagine Eddie’s ringed fingers tapping their way across the passenger door furiously to the beat of the song, and he doesn’t feel so alone.

That’s how some of the tapes manage to migrate from his car to the tape deck in his room. When he plays them, he feels like the house comes alive, that he isn’t alone. He doesn’t tell Eddie, of course. He doesn’t tell anyone. One day he slips up while driving Dustin to Hellfire.

“I didn’t pick you as a metalhead, Steve,” Dustin notes with a shit-eating grin.

He’s confused at first, until he hears the familiar tune of Metallica’s Welcome Home, through the BMW’s speakers and knows he’s messed up. Dustin definitely brings it up as soon as he gets to Hellfire, spouting nonsense about how Eddie’s corrupted Steve with ‘the devil’s music’- seriously, where does the kid even come up with that shit?

The ride back from Hellfire is made all the more painful, with Eddie in the passenger seat and Dustin mouthing off from the backseat. Steve’s being berated from all angles about being a ‘closeted metalhead’. It’s been a long day and Steve is so goddamn tired so he can be forgiven for finally snapping.

“I only listen to that shit because it reminds me of you,” Steve remarked shutting them both up in an instant.

Dustin is the quickest to recover. He leans forward, nudging Steve’s shoulder.

“Careful dude, say stuff like that and Robin’ll get jealous. It sounds like you’re in love with Eddie.”

“Shut the hell up, Henderson,” Steve snaps, too quickly, too defensively.

That’s when Dustin realises he’s screwed up. Royally screwed up, because Steve being gay never entered the ballpark of his imagination and it made sense didn’t it? Kind of. The way Steve kept insisting he and Robin were platonic. He hadn’t gone on many dates since Eddie’s return from hospital.

He tried to dredge up all the things he’d been planning to say when Will inevitably came out because that, Dustin saw coming.

“Actually it’s cool if you are, you know, gay. We wouldn’t think of you any differently if you were. Right, Eddie?” Dustin desperately looks to Eddie, who’s gone full deer-in-the-headlights, wide-eyed.

“I might think of him a little differently,” Eddie breathes, sounding a million miles away. Dustin looks at him like he’s about ready to kill a man and Steve’s gone pale.

The rest of the drive is spent in awkward silence. Steve dreads the moment he arrives at the Henderson household, knowing the second Dustin leaves the car, things are going to get infinitely worse.

“If I’ve screwed things up, just let me know because I don’t know where to go from here,” Steve says once they’re alone. He hears Eddie exhale and braces himself for the worst as he waits for the man to reply.

“How about we start with one of those trademark, pickup lines I’ve heard so much about,” Eddie prompts. Steve is confused. It might be a common occurrence, but that doesn’t make it any better.

“What?” Steve asks, not able to come up with something more articulate.

“Is what Dustin said true?” There was no point in lying, was there?

“Yes. No. Mostly. I’m not gay-,” To Steve’s surprise, he watches Eddie’s shoulders fall. If he didn’t know better he’d think the guy was disappointed.

“But I do like guys. Not all guys. Some guys. Sometimes.” Steve’s rambling and he knows it.

“Then I meant what I said, to Dustin.” And there it is, the thing Steve’s dreading.

“Right. Yeah, okay. So do you still want me to drop you off at your place or should I just pull over now?”

Steve tries to hold back the hurt in his tone because he hasn’t admitted it out loud to anyone yet and it sure as hell smarts to be so blatantly rejected. He might actually have preferred getting punched in the face, at least there was something finite about it.

“Steve,” Eddie breathes and his voice is soft, gentle even. Which makes no damn sense. He sounds like Robin did, on the floor of the cinema bathroom: vulnerable and exasperated, but not mad.

“Pull over.” So Steve does.

Eddie sets a hand on Steve’s shoulder, looks him dead in the eyes and licks his lips.

“Steve, I’m gay and very much in love with you. Up until tonight, I thought you were very straight and totally out of my league, so if you’re telling me I’ve got a shot, that changes shit.” Oh. Steve finally caught up.

Steve turns down the volume of the music, just to make sure he’d heard Eddie right. Then leaned into the man’s space.

“Ahoy there, sailor.”

Much to his dismay, Eddie laughs- scratch that, he snorts, doubling over, trying to muffle the noise with a hand.

“That was the pickup line?” Eddie clarifies.

“I’m rusty and I’ve never used it on a guy,” Steve retorts defensively.

Before he knows it, Eddie’s back in his space, his breath ghosting hot over Steve’s cheek.

“Hey, I didn’t say it didn’t work.”

#steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #ficlet #steddie ficlet #drabble #stranger things #honestly idk where this came from #bi steve harrington #I spent ages editing a chapter for my fic #and thought my brain was done with writing #then I thought I could make a post #and this just appeared #Metalhoops writes

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becca-e-barnes · 4 months

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The need that I have for early morning, tender sex with Dbf!bucky that gets a little frantic and really passionate 😵‍💫

Especially if you tend to drift apart in your sleep. It feels so much nicer to curl up against him again the next morning, stealing some of his heat and enjoying the way that he smells so familiar to you now.

You can't help but feel a softness in your chest when he sleepily pulls you closer, placing a gentle kiss on the top of your head with his eyes still closed. If nothing else, you feel incredibly safe with your bare chest pressed to his and your limbs tangled together comfortably.

The sunlight has just managed to creep through a gap in between the curtains, illuminating the few grey hairs peppered across your partner's hairline and you swear he's never looked more beautiful.

He's more awake than he'd lead you to believe though. His eyes are barely even open before he's tilting your chin up, making it easier to capture your lips with his.

"Good morning." He mumbles in his deep morning voice when his lips part from yours.

"Hi." You can't help but smile, wiggling your body against the bulge in his underwear. "It's a great morning."

He can't help but roll his eyes at your enthusiasm.

"Didn't I take good enough care of you last night? You still want more." He pretends he's insulted but secretly, he's pretty damn pleased. You want him; plain and simple. You don't dress it up or play it off. Don't we all want to be wanted?

"See, that's the problem. You were too good to me last night. And now. I'm all worked up." You slip kisses to his neck and shoulders in between your sentences, hoping that it really drives your point home.

"You're a handful." Bucky teases, tilting your chin up once more, letting his lips collide with yours before allowing his tongue to do the same. It feels like his hands are all over your body at once, teasing and rubbing and gripping you, getting you even more worked up.

It's not long before he's got your leg hooked up over him and he's slipping his cock into you. The glide is that much easier given that he finished inside you just a few hours ago and the thought of that alone makes you even wetter.

Bucky's low groan as he slides into you is addictive. He's clearly still sensitive but it feels too good for either of you to stop now.

"Such a good girl. You take me so damn well." He's babbling already, eyes rolling back as he presses as deep inside you as possible, giving you a chance to take a breath before he starts to work your body in a way that no one else has ever managed.

#becca's thots #becca writes spice #dbf!bucky #dad's best friend Bucky #This is the silly one scratching an itch in my brain rn #I am a real morning person #I hardly make it past midnight these days #I've also had a lot of thoughts about the filthy things that could be done while one party takes a work call 😏#Might have to write that

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puppyeared · 6 months

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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously

#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to #im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but #because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of #exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something #and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh #and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing #because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant #even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still #its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about #I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird #maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel #a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t #I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to #be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol #idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week #had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting #yapping #does this count as vent #vent #Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly

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kickbutts-singsongs · 2 months

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Back when Hawks was acting as a double agent

Hawks: Everything’s under control: the heroes don’t suspect a thing, and the number one hero Endeavor has been surprisingly easy to work with.

Dabi: . . .

Dabi: Uh— you’re working with the number one hero Endeavor?

Hawks: Oh I haven’t just been working with him; we kissed a little.

Dabi: *scared and affronted noises*

Dabi: NO!!!!

Hawks: . . .

Dabi: EUGHHHGGHGHHHGHGGHHHGHH

Hawks: What??? What happened?? What’s wrong???

Dabi: *aimlessly opening and closing mouth*

Dabi: Y—you just made out with my dad…

Hawks: . . .

Hawks: oh.

Dabi: *resumes affronted noises*

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raven-at-the-writing-desk · 10 months

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leona in club leadership

Me: I’m safe after the hitman that was Epel’s Birthday Jacket jumpscared me with the “Leona is a reliable senpai” talk Broomquet Leona: Broomquet Leona: *slowly raises the broom for a bonking*

why Why WHY

THGiS KeEEP S HAPPENinQ GgGggGggGGGGGGggggggg OTL wW E KJEEPA GETTIGN FL*ONA BEING A Goo D CAPTaiN SENAPI MENT0oe ER tPO HIS CLUB mQME MBers AND UNdERCLASMeN I'T S' DRIVXINw fG ME UP THE qm FUCKKERIQQaqBG gg gnK d WALLLLLLLLLLL

I THOUGHT I HAD PUT IT ALL BEHIND ME BUT NO 😭 HERE COMES CATER BAITING LEONA TO TAL K ABOUT AMGIFT /SPELLDrIV3 CLBU IN THS BROOMQUET......... . . ........ .. . ... . . . .. . QHJEBIYslbiufadbadf TO GET THESE THOUGHTS OUTTA MY HEAD I'M GONNA RANT A ND RAVE A LIL' aboUT L*ONA AND HIS cLUB

Alright, so. 🤡 We all know that Leona's the captain of the Magical Shift/Spelldrive Club at NRC (moving forward, I will refer to this as "Magift Club", since that's the shortest phrase). What's more is, we actually get quite a bit of information about how he goes around running the club and training its members (although the information is scattered across various vignettes, so it may be difficult to piece it all together if you don't know where to look or don't read certain vignettes). THIS IS THE GOOD STUFF THOUGH, THIS IS A GOLD MINE OF LuONA CHA EARCTERiXATION AND I'M GOINOG TO POP of DFF ABOUT IT

Firstly! In book 2 of the main story, Jack tells us that he was impressed by Leona's amazing play in a Magift game three years ago. This would later become a part of Jack's motivation to attend Night Raven College--so he could become a great athlete, and, perhaps, get to play against or alongside that player that he admired so much. Even when Jack learns that Leona is playing dirty to eliminated Diasomnia from the interdorm tournament, Jack exposes that he believes Leona is capable of securing a victory by playing fairly. Maybe you could call it a freshman's naive beliefs, but Jack knows that Leona is better than this. What book 2 shows us is that Leona is willing to resort to underhanded tactics to come out on top--but he's also very skilled in his own right, both physically and intellectually, and even at his lowest points, he has people who trust him to lead them: people like Jack. But where does this faith and respect come from???????? For that, we'll have to dive into additional materials.

In many vignettes, such as Ace's PE Uniform and Ruggie's Outdoor Wear, we hear from other characters that the Magift Club members train rigorously (usually to the point of exhaustion). Ruggie, a fellow Magift Club member, confesses to his inexperience; he never played Magift before coming to NRC and he's not a born athlete. He seriously considered quitting the club due to their physically demanding practice and training. However, Ruggie credits Leona for the vast improvement he has made, citing that Leona would give him all kinds of assignments to hone his skills. More importantly, doing all of these assignments also taught Ruggie how to endure and persist in the face of adversity. Ruggie could have just lied here and said the training was easy to quickly and artificially inflate the numbers of new recruits he pulls in to please Leona (some of the new recruits would end up dropping out anyway) BUT HE DOESN'T. This leads me to believe that Ruggie is being honest about what it takes to be in Magift Club and is genuinely praising Leona's guidance as a part of why it's beneficial to join. "Leona makes every session worthwhile [...] He makes all the calls during our games, but otherwise lets us do our thing. Which means we can work out our problem spots for ourselves. He's a great captain!"

Epel, the other main cast member in Magift Club, has not yet joined at the time of the flashback in Ruggie's Outdoor Wear vignette. Upon hearing Ruggie's praise of Leona, Epel gets the impression that Leona is an incredible person. Post-joining the club, this impression continues. In his Birthday Jacket vignettes, Epel describes Leona as someone who is quick-witted, fierce-looking, and has a cool personality. He really admires Leona and wants to be like him someday, making him the second first year that has these sort of sentiments. Epel tells stories similar to Ruggie, saying that Leona has helped him out a lot during club and is generally good at looking out for others. He specifically mentions that everyone counts on Leona for his leadership during games and provides individualized advice to help each team member improve (details which supports what Ruggie initially told the freshmen). People outside of Leona’s reign also comment on this, such as Ace in Endless Halloween Night. He remarks that the first thing Leona thought to do was untie Epel; this leads Ace to conclude that Leona, does, in fact, look out for people despite how he usually acts 🤡

Epel also says that he "knows" Leona would help him study if he were on the verge of failing a class. AND YOU KNOW WHAT??????????? Leona actually DOES tutor Ruggie (who initially descibes his grades as being "in the dumpster") and gives advice and materials to him. Now Ruggie's grades are average, but passing. In his Labwear vignettes, Leona doesn't formally teach Epel, but he does make a voice-changing potion to help Epel out (although his own ulterior motive was to avoid Rook, who was the one that originally helped Epel). When Epel and Grim then beg Leona to show them his technique, he refuses and seems annoyed at their requests. In other words, Leona doesn't seem eager to teach others unless it serves a purpose for himself.

Leons is oftentimes pushing others to perform well, and in a way that serves a dual purpose of helping the individual out but also ultimately benefitting him. For example, Leona helps sand Azul’s contracts because he wants to as terminate an agreement he has with Azul. Additionally, he plots in book 2 not only to help his dorm mates be noticed by Magift scouts, but also to prove his own worth as a leader. In yet another instance, Leona shows students outside of his club how to efficiently mine for magestone so they can fulfill their goal and earn a Vargas Badge. This clears them out of the cave so he can nap there. Leona is working smarter, not necessarily harder. Relating this to Magift Club... As Ruggie and Epel have told us, Leona runs his members ragged during practice. As a rich kid and royalty, he’s said to have a natural inclination for being demanding and ordering others around—but there’s always some kind of compensation or reward for following orders well. Ruggie gets many perks from doing Leona’s errands and chores for him, so he willingly follows Leona. For the Magift Club, the intense training causes those unable or unwilling to keep up to quit, leaving behind the go-getters, the tough, and the willful. Not only are these the types of people most likely to do well in actually playing the sport, but they’re also the types of people Leona himself is seeking with play with.

When your players are willing and able to train hard and by themselves (knowing what their strengths and weaknesses are, as well as how to improve), it encourages… independence. It means less work for the captain to do. It means having a group of people who are obedient and obey your every word. It means Leona can get away with napping during club practice. He's working them hard now so they can take care of themselves later and he has to do less. That seems to be the implication in some instances, as Riddle had noted before that, “it has been a while since [he has seen Leona] sincerely apply himself to his club activities.” (That's because Leona has already trained his team to be comfortable train on their own! This is demonstrated in the flashback of his Beastly Garb vignettes, when Leona instructs his club to do cooldown exercises "on their own while he heads off to nap.) And believe me, when he’s “applying himself”, his talent shines through (just as his intelligence does when he wants to employ it). As Epel and Ruggie say in Leona’s Halloween vignette (flashback), 5 people tried to get the disc away from Leona for 30 minutes and still weren’t successful while Leona barely broke a sweat. Part of the reason why Leona is able to afford bossing his team members around is because he can walk the walk. His own abilities, then, also serve as a point of motivation for the rest of the team. They want to be able to perform on the same level as him, want the honor to play with someone like that. We see one prominent example of this in his Dorm Uniform vignettes. In them, Jack is being bullied by Savanaclaw (senpai) mobs because they're annoyed with his athletic abilities and righteous attitude. These mobs also accurse Leona of being unworthy to lead them because "all [he does] is slack off during practice". They quickly learn the true magnitude of Leona's strength when he defends Jack from 30 mobs at once, not only demonstrating that he is fit for the title of captain, but also someone that has earned Jack's respect.

Though the Dorm Uniform vignettes ultimately frame Leona as siding with Jack, there is a lot of strategic thinking and wisdom in the advice he imparts to both parties involved in the quarrel. He argues in favor of the mobs "skirting the rules", which falls in line with his willingness to disregard morality so long as he achieves an end goal (see: his actions against Azul in book 3, and his actions in book 2 against Malleus). In this case, Jack preaching about playing by the rules is getting in the way of their goals (which will resurface in book 2). That's why he gets put in time-out to "think about his actions", and how he sees the world as black and white, evil and good. To Leona, it's not cheating, it's just playing smart and within the rules specifically specified (the mobs still acted within the boundaries set by rules) or what isn't specifically outlawed (they can't lose to Malleus if he can't play to begin with) to get what he wants. To this point, Leona also sees no shame in strategic retreats and surrenders. This is illustrated by him willingly turning himself into STYX when they approach, and passing on temporary leadership to Ruggie while he's gone. Again, he's just working with what he has in the systems that are presented to him, and he expects everyone else to be able to play the same game. While Leona tells Jack off, it's also true that Leona does have some code of honor as it relates to his own interests; he tells the mobs they're acting embarrassing by "punching down" and being jealous of a freshman. This doesn't come from a place of concern for Jack, or from worry about their attitude, but primarily from irritation that he has to clean up after their behavior. As we see in book 2, Leona himself has no issue with playing Magift against freshmen who are new to the sport (Ace, Deuce, etc.) when they've come unannounced into his dormitory. It's Jack who has to intervene there and call Leona out for picking on the small fry. Even Leona warning the mobs for using magic outside of Magift is a ploy to serve his own agenda. It's against school rules to use magic unless instructed; Leona is, therefore, against his students wailing on Jack using magic instead of fists because it could attract undue attention from staff (and thus cause issues for him, as their dorm leader). This is also why Leona wants to take on the Heartslabyul detective group in a game of Magift instead of just fighting them then and there; it's to avoid causing such a ruckus right before the big interdorm tournament. Leona has a problem with people challenging his authority and making unnecessary trouble for him to fix. When it serves his interests, he'll turn, and/or he won't side completely with one party. He can easily see the pros and the cons of both sides. If Jack is black and white, then Leona is all grey.

This is another notable quality of Leona's: he can identify and understand people's strengths and weaknesses, sometimes even better than they do themselves. His own club members can attest to how Leona gives them specific advice to improve their skills. In fact, we get to see one instance of it in Leona's Beastly Garb vignettes. Epel asks Leona for advice on how to better control the disc, since he's been missing passes and dropping them a lot. Leona responds by telling him not to worry about it and then walking off. A lot of people might look at this and say "he's just being lazy and shirking his work again". But later in the vignette, Leona explains his rationale: Epel's strength is his speed. When he's handling a disc as he's flying, that significantly cuts down on that speed and hinders his overall performance. If Epel tries to get better at all these things at once, he'll neglect his actual strength and not be useful to the team. Leona reasons that since making objects float is a fundamental skill for a mage, Epel will naturally practice it more and improve with time, so in the meantime he should dedicate his time in club to what he's already got as an asset.

This discerning eye is not just limited to club members, either. Leona has shown that, time and time again, he can key in on people. It was Leona who recognized Ace's craftiness and how Ace planned to use Leona's presence to his own advantage in Endless Halloween Night. Leona doesn't worry about the potential harm a wayward disc could have caused Riddle because he knows Riddle could easily deflect it with his own magic (in Ace's PE vignette). He alone noticed that Jamil's eyes "always glare" and senses his malicious intent against Kalim (in Jamil's School Uniform vignette). This is WAY before the events of book 4 ever came out too. Then, in book 6, Leona points out that Ruggie knows how keep to the strongest people to make up for his own deficits, how Jack knows how to adhere to a hierarchy, and how even Kalim has strengths in how amicable he is, and the wealth he was born into. He knows when people aren't meeting their full potential too, telling Jamil that he keeps making excuses instead of actually acting.

What makes the whole conversation Leona has with Jamil so great is that a lot of what is said is relatable for the two of them. Leona, too, knows what it's like to be in a situation where others shun his talents in favor of another. That's why he's able to speak so pointedly on the matter. It's that connection that helps to move Jamil and motivate him to finally act on his own to fulfill a support role for Leona that he needs later on. There's a parallel here with how Leona acted in book 2; he tried and tried and tried, and when he failed, he sat down and gave it all up, blaming his team mates and claiming he played along with their game. Leona was a quitter before. But now he's seeing that same behavior in others and he's calling it out, bluntly posing the question of if they're going to continue to wallow or if they're going to pick themselves up and move forward. It's the same lesson that HE had to learn for himself. If you consider that his Dorm Uniform vignettes play out prior to book 2, it becomes even more fitting for his growth since he tells Jack back then: "[...] guys who own up to their mistakes are all right in my book. Keep at it and model that behavior for the rest of Savanaclaw." This is Leona owning up to his own mistakes. He never openly and formally apologizes what his wrongdoings or promised to "be better" (then again, some OB boys just don't), but he's making up for his past behavior by imparting the wisdom he learned with his peers, whether subconsciously (like, out of guilt) or consciously.

This all goes hand-in-hand with the high standards Leona has set for Magift Club. Cater asks him for the details of his club's training (in Leona's Broomquet), to which the birthday boy responds with a story about how a team member didn't have enough stamina for a game, so instead of training them to pass the disc, he purposefully chucked the disc as far as it would go. It's to demonstrate to the club member that was lacking in stamina that this is the distance they need to be able to go, and this is their current disparity. It comes off as perhaps too harsh (and certainly a means to quit the club), but as Leona puts it, he doesn't want nor need cowards with him. His team should be full of people who get frustrated when they cannot meet their goals and will actively think about how to be better, then come back and try again and again. Think of it like how Mulan found smarter ways to tackle the challenges put forth by the army, rather than training the conventional way. That's what Leona expects of his club members, and it's the same mentality that drives himself. Tackling the same problem using creative solutions--it's like a game of chess. qbkhldyuFVYOwovyifS ;fslh ihof Aana dnAn thEN MCaER T SAYS smsethbha TH LIKE "waaaah~ Leona-kun is such a cool leader~" AFSHYJASVYOIFADOS AND THANE THAT FUCKE R LONA ' JUST G oeaS "this is to be expected of every leader, it's the basics" UNM???????? ??? ??? ???? ? BITCH EXCUSE YOU???? ???? ??? ? ? ? ? ? 😭 IW ANS'T EXPEC TING TO BE FUCXKIGFN A ATTACKED LKIKE THIS, CA T MAN

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P.S. I'M SO SCARE D THAT HE'S GONNA OUTRPAVE ROOO K ON MY FAOVRIRTS LIST I'M SOC UFKC IUNG SCARED

#twst #twisted wonderland #Leona Kingscholar #Cater Diamond #Ruggie Bucchi #Savanaclaw #Jack Howl #Epel Felmier #disney twisted wonderland #NOT L*ONA ROT #notes from the writing raven #to clarify: it's NOT that I think Leona is a bad leader; he is very clearly charismatic and intelligent and perfectly suited to lead #MY BRAIN JUST GETS SO MUSHY WHENEVER I GET REMINDED ABOUT IT AND THE OTHER CHARACTERS POP OFF ABOUT HOW GREAT HE IS #not me mclovin' it whenever his good points get acknowledged as they should be OTL #BUT ALSO NOT ME HATING IT BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE HAVING TO CONFESS TO LIKING IT #why is he. like this.#Megara voice) I won't say I'm in love #just when I thought I was finally done with my Cat Boy era 🤡#twst analysis #twisted wonderland analysis #twisted wonderland character analysis #twst character analysis #THIS WAS MEANT TO BE 'NOT ROT' BUT IT ENDED UP BEING KIND OF AN IMPROMPTU ESSAY #me: I’m over my cat boy era! I’m done with kemonomimi!! I’m moving on to bigger and better things than meowmeows!!!#leona:#I swear to you I'm NOT down bad

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difeisheng · 8 months

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duel meta

i think a good aspect of the conflict present in the donghai fight is the fact that li xiangyi and di feisheng are each seeing the other as representing incompatible things, and this isn't something that began with the duel but it was part of what doomed them by the end of it.

it has to do with how both of them view their places in the jianghu, in general. li xiangyi by this point has become the symbol of sigumen. he embodies everything it stands for, and by extension of sigumen's prestige, he embodies what those in the jianghu striving for righteousness should look like. he's the legend of both this generation and the next, and when he snaps at shan gudao, li xiangyi literally considers himself the beating heart of sigumen. without him, it can't exist. he has become one with every person he represents while still apart from them, embedded in this fame across the jianghu and all its eyes on him. it's a burden, but while he's placed on the pedestal, li xiangyi still attempts to do good by all who put him on it. so here he stands, trying to shoulder it all.

di feisheng, on the other hand, has always seen his position on an individual level. he's associated with jinyuanmeng and he built it, yes, but that power is not something he's thrown himself into as its leader. he wouldn't say that jinyuanmeng wouldn't exist if he was gone; once di feisheng is reinstated as mengzhu in the present day, the first thing he does is to hand it over to jiao liqiao. his actions throughout the story after that are largely separate from those of jinyuanmeng, and he makes little effort to involve his subordinates except for a few specific people. to di feisheng, his achievements and strength ultimately rest on himself as a swordsman, and his skill compared to other distinguished people at the top of the jianghu. we see that on the night he frees jiao liqiao. he's not here to take over forces or resources, he's just here for one man and the rank he holds.

(i would argue that the power di feisheng did accumulate through jinyuanmeng is for two reasons. one, so that he had enough people behind him to apparently rival li xiangyi, and two, to keep him safe from the di mansion. but that's a different topic.)

so when the war between sigumen and jinyuanmeng breaks out, its final act on the donghai ship is a standoff between two people: one who views himself as representing a collective, and another who considers himself in that moment a swordsman on his own. and this greatly influences how both of them treat that fight.

to li xiangyi, this is a duel contextualized by leadership. because he will take the responsibility for sigumen and his side of the fight, he's focusing all that grief over shan gudao, all that anger and blame on di feisheng alone, as the opposing head of the forces he's been clashing with. since the name of li xiangyi cannot be separated from sigumen (and by now i don't think li xiangyi could define himself as person from image even if he tried), now he attaches di feisheng to jinyuanmeng in his attempt to force him to take accountability. in li xiangyi's eyes, they're really not people in this duel. they're the faces of hundreds more warriors, and every move they make has the lives of those people hanging onto them.

to di feisheng, the fact that they stand alone on that ship means they are alone, cut loose from everyone and everything else in an isolated space. this is a fight in its purest form now. just two men and their blades, relying on their own physical/spiritual strength and nothing else. it's what di feisheng has been waiting for, this chance to challenge li xiangyi where both of them stand on truly equal ground. there is no sigumen or jinyuanmeng dragging them down. they've cut through all the noise of the jianghu that he doesn't care for, and they're just di feisheng and li xiangyi, two highly skilled people who get to see who's stronger in an environment no one else can influence.

(it's worth noting, i think, that di feisheng chose the location of the duel by situating himself and therefore li xiangyi who would find him out at sea, even though the majority of their forces were fighting on land. his men on the ship complained about how horrid a decision it was to be at sea in that weather (it's the first dialogue of the show), but this ensured that any outside/not predetermined interference during their head-to-head would be much more difficult.)

these views or motivations are so terribly at odds with each other. li xiangyi is fighting out of desperate rage and the need for retribution, weighed down more than ever by all the people who look up to him and depend on him to seek justice. di feisheng is fighting for fairly-won status and glory, and in his eyes, for the first time they have been granted the freedom to go against one another where nothing else needs to matter.

it shows in the moves both of them choose to make. namely, that di feisheng fights with more restraint, while li xiangyi fights quite viciously. i'm going to focus a bit more on di feisheng's role here, because i think this contrast on his part is interesting and works to subvert his initial reputation/image, something significant to his character throughout the show (or at least more than it is for li xiangyi).

i would argue that di feisheng is on the defensive for the majority of this fight, as his side has been this entire war. in the duel choreography he's blocking, dodging, or backing up a significant amount more than li xiangyi, who keeps pressing, launching new offenses wherever possible to search for an answer and revenge. there's a clear give and take between them as the fight progresses. and thanks to how this dynamic plays out, and with the background of these characters' motivations, there are three key pauses in the duel that stand out to me. they're all points where di feisheng could have moved on or killed li xiangyi, even as he was the one being attacked, but chose not to.

the first is when li xiangyi is pressed up against the ship wall, di feisheng's sword against li xiangyi's cheek, enough to cut but not enough to lethally wound. they're locked in this position for a good few seconds before either of them react. di feisheng could press forward and cleave his skull, since li xiangyi can't parry him. i couldn't get a good screenshot, but shaoshi is buried in di feisheng's shoulder here. for that di feisheng could also back up and away, given his injury. but he does neither. instead he freezes in place, doing nothing until li xiangyi draws his blade out of di feisheng, and makes the next move.

the second is when there's a lull in the action on the roof of the ship cabin. we get di feisheng's line “一个剑客不该有弱点” ("a swordsman shouldn't have weaknesses") and li xiangyi pausing as the bicha poison begins to take effect. this is another very long break where di feisheng could've taken advantage of li xiangyi being distracted, but he stands still. we learn later that he didn't even know li xiangyi had been poisoned then, so this isn't him dramatically pausing to revel in li xiangyi's pain. his opponent wasn't immersed in the fight, so di feisheng waited until he was. he only moves forward to meet him when li xiangyi chooses to.

these breaks turn the duel into a dance, almost, where di feisheng is letting li xiangyi lead and only moving with him (when they're both in the physical state to). he's fighting with too much respect and leniency to be out for blood the way li xiangyi is, with everyone else on that ship already dead. they're fighting the duel through vastly different lenses and neither of them have realized it yet.

that point of realization is this last pause, di feisheng's blade stabbed into li xiangyi while he stands over him in the rain. the fact that di feisheng isn't actively trying to kill is apparent in two different details here. the first is that di feisheng's blade missed li xiangyi's heart, even though his accuracy as a swordsman is incredible. the second is that, once again, he waits until li xiangyi can move again before attempting to do anything further— except this time he yells that he's won.

this is the moment it genuinely struck for me that their perspectives on this duel are so different. di feisheng dealt li xiangyi a wound that is serious in the moment, but for someone of li xiangyi's strength, he'll be fine in the end. it only takes him out in the short term, and within that time, what di feisheng is waiting for after calling his victory is for li xiangyi to concede the duel. to say it's over, and give over his name as the top swordsman. that's what di feisheng was after.

to him, when it came to li xiangyi, defeating the man and killing him were two different things.

but this isn't where it all stops, because li xiangyi didn't know this (how could he?) and he's fighting for more than ensuring his name remains above anyone else's. di feisheng is fighting cold, but li xiangyi still has so much anger, so much left to do. so much at stake and on his shoulders and 'defeat' and 'giving up' are luxuries he doesn't have.

when the blade in him and the poison taking greater hold pushes li xiangyi into needing a last stand, he refuses to hold anything back. he's an opportunist now, and di feisheng has given him an opening. so out comes wenjing in a surprise attack, there goes di feisheng impaled against the mast, and it all goes to hell. di feisheng can't fight honourably because li xiangyi is coming for his life, and for the first time after a pause like this, he's the one who attacks first.

their last skirmish is because now there's nowhere else for either of them to go. all other motivations have been shattered. either one of them must break, or they must fall together. and the latter is exactly what they do.

perhaps, in a thousand other worlds, the duel went differently. but in this one, li xiangyi fought because he thought they both represented everyone, and di feisheng fought because he believed they represented nothing more than themselves, and neither man could understand that the other didn't share their perspective. signalled though it was throughout the fight, and evenly matched though they were, they were fighting two separate battles on that ship. it wasn't anything they could help, only the result of contrasting lives in the jianghu and what it had shaped them both into. and so there was nothing that could come of that duel except for both of them to lose.

#not the direct theme of all this but i maintain that di feisheng is the most 侠义 character in present-day mlc #and this is where you see the foundations of it #anyways THANK YOU if you actually read all this #i've had these thoughts stewing in my head for days and it all came out tonight #but it doesn't end there. i came up with two other meta ideas in the process of writing this one #here to stay for the long run #also sidenote but i had xiao shunyao's intro rap verse to rock star by MIC on loop in my brain the entire time i was writing this #so i think you should all be proud of me that i got this done #mysterious lotus casebook #feihua #di feisheng #li xiangyi #mlc meta #ashton originals #li lianhua

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aresianrepose · 1 year

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Before the semester kicks off and murders me, @disniq asked for my essay on Jason Todd and hysteria. So, without further ado, here is an actual essay (fucking dissertation) because I refuse brevity. It is extremely long. I’ve split it into sections so you can find the section header and read what you want. This does not encompass all the narrative trauma themes and lived experiences that this boy holds, just specifically hysteria.

Jason Todd, The Hysteric & Bruce Wayne, The Batman

I think it’s a common reading that Jason Todd is girl-coded and the patron saint of victims, at least within the circle that I’ve fallen into within this fandom. There are plenty of meta discussions on why those readings stand, so I’m not going to reiterate them. A pillar of him being girl-coded and someone trauma survivors have latched onto as one of our own has to do with being written in the context of hysterical femininity. And let me just say, I don’t think that writing was done in a way that he was intentionally coded as hysterical, but it is a function of our patriarchal society that this coding was used on him albeit without the explicit purpose of writing a hysteric story.

For the purpose of this post: the word woman includes ciswomen, transwomen, and any person who is socially positioned as a woman regardless of gender identity. I include the positionality here because anyone can experience misogyny and sexism depending on the perception of the perpetrators either interpersonally or systemically.

The History and Context of Hysteria

To understand the context, we have to look at the history and oppression of hysteria. Hysteria (in the modern context of psychology) emerged in the nineteenth century and is difficult to define by design and often applied to traumatized, unruly, and broken women. The main patriarchs who contributed to hysterical study were Jean-Martin Charcot and Sigmund Freud. I only mention this because it’s important to know their names moving forward for any of this to make sense. The beginning of this started with Charcot literally putting women whose lives had been marked by rape, abuse, exploitation, and poverty on display in his Tuesday lectures (which were open to the public) to show his findings on hysteria. This was actually seen as restoring dignity (fucking yikes) to the women because before Charcot these hysterical women were cast aside and not treated at all. In Charcot’s work, the women’s speech was seen as simply “vocalization” and their inner lives, their stories, their words, were silenced. After hearing a woman cry for her mother during one of the public sessions Charcot remarked, “Again, note these screams. You could say it’s a lot of noise over nothing” (Herman).

This led to Freud, Charcot’s student, wanting to surpass his teacher by discovering the cause of hysteria. This was disastrous. Freud started with listening to the hysterics. In doing so, he learned and believed them about the abuse, rape, and exploitation of their pasts. He then published his work and gave a lecture on it. The work rivals even contemporary psychological work on trauma in it’s level of compassion, understanding, and treatment of survivors. However, he was then labeled a feminist (this was all happening during the first wave of feminism) and professionally ostracized. How in the world could these aristocratic French men be sexually abusing their wives, sisters, and daughters??? Insanity, truly. And... This always fucking gets me. He recanted his work and then told his patients they all imagined it because they wanted to be sexually abused by their husbands, brothers, and fathers. This set back the study of trauma by literally a century. One colleague called his work “a scientific fairy-tale” simply because he had the audacity to believe victims. Also, I want to point out that the famous hysteria case during this time was the case of Anna O and she was ultimately villainized by the entire psychological community for going into crisis after her care provider abruptly ended their therapeutic relationship after two years of DAILY sessions.

Anyway. We can see how the power of these men over vulnerable women silenced, pathologized, villainized, infantilized, and used male ‘logic’ to completely destroy their credibility and lives under the guise of care and hysteria. Even when credible men lend their expertise and voices to the victims, their voices are silenced. This particular iteration of hysteria lasted over a century, and we are still dealing with the consequences of these actions and ideas within our social construction, medical and mental health care, interpersonal relationships, and more. Patriarchal pillars such as hysteria don’t die. We saw it move from hysteria to schizophrenia (which used to have the same symptoms of hysteria before the diagnosis changed in more contemporary psychology) after this which led to widespread lobotomies and electroshock therapy (my least favorite case of a lobotomy being done is on a woman who was diagnosed with LITERALLY ‘narcissist husband’) to depression in the 40s-50s with the over prescription of benzodiazepines to house wives to keep them in a zombie state (these prescriptions were sometimes double and triple what we take today with the intent of medical catatonia). In my opinion, as well as other counselors within the feminist therapy theoretical orientation, we are currently seeing it with the emergence of borderline-personality disorder. Think about how BPD is treated and demonized for a second. I professionally know therapists who refuse to work with BPD clients due to this villainization and just fucking gross perception of victims.

These are just the highlights, but it shows the history of hysteria. There have been centuries of women being marked as hysterical and the cures have ranged from lobotomy to bed rest (which sounds not so bad but read the Yellow Wallpaper and get back to me on that one). While the Yellow Wallpaper is fictional, the life behind it was not. After the traumatic birth of her child the author, Charlotte Perkins Gilman, was remanded to bed rest by the authority of her husband and doctor. Within the sphere of medical control, hysterical women are often treated as children while their doctors make decisions for their mental well-being without consulting them, or they hide the truth of their procedures for “the woman’s own good” and because “she’s hysterical and wouldn’t comprehend the logical need for this.” She then had a mental break due to the treatment. Again, we see hysterical women being silenced, infantilized, discredited from their own experiences, and under the narrative control of male logic and voices.

Hysterical women have often historically been seen as beneath men, except for when they’re dangerous. Listening to victims is inherently threatening to the status quo because all trauma comes from a systemic framework. The framework that upholds patriarchal power. It’s easy to see why that would be seen as dangerous to powerful men. We saw this with the European witch genocide in which oppressed women were targeted and wiped out under the excuse of what was considered women’s work. (Before this time, witchcraft wasn’t tied to any religion and was mostly just seen as women’s work. It was targeted specifically to have an excuse to persecute widows, homeless, disabled, and vulnerable women who no longer had men to reign over them during a time of political unrest and scarce resources). This time period saw hysterical and traumatized women demonized as dangerous, evil, immoral, hypersexual, and supernaturally wily. A threat to the moral fabric of society.

(Interesting history side note: this caused the view of women’s base traits we have today. It stemmed from the Victorian era that came after this time period in which women learned if they behaved a certain way, they would be spared the stake. For example, before the witch trials, women were actually seen as the ones with unsatiable sexual appetites, something we culturally prescribe to men now.)

Notice how none of this has to do with the actual abuse that happens to the women, but instead the labeling and treatment of women when they are already showing the symptoms of abuse, trauma, control, exploitation, and rape.

Jason Todd, The Hysteric

So, how does this relate to Jason Todd? To say that Jason has experienced trauma would be an understatement. Extreme poverty, loss of parent to death and addiction, loss of parent to the justice system, parental abuse, manipulation, witnessing violent crimes, witnessing the aftermath of sexual abuse and assault, arguably (not explicit in the text) his own sexual trauma, witnessing the dead bodies of victims, a violent death, and subsequently a violent resurrection. There’s also an argument to be made for being a child soldier and how that is romanticized up until he dies, but the text does not treat this as traumatizing.

Now, I’m not going to dive into the trauma he experienced. The purpose of this is only to look at how he’s framed as hysterical in the narrative, and as I stated, hysteria was a word slapped on women after they tried to talk about their trauma or exhibited symptoms (or were just unruly women). Jason does embody many facets of the victim experience and this is just one of them.

Feelings vs “logic” - Firstly, it is really hard to talk calmly about things that you carry, your experiences, your trauma, and things that specifically harm you. It is easy to talk calmly about things that don’t. This is why there is an abuse tactic of gaslighting or silencing victims by framing their very real reactions to harm or their triggers as abuse, this is known as “reactive abuse.” This tactic is also employed in oppressive settings where the privileged group will often default to ‘winning’ a debate by being able to remain calm while the marginalized group whose life, personhood, etc is being harmed by the things being discussed and are unable to have a sterilized, emotionless debate.

Both of these settings fit Jason nicely within the moral context of vigilante comics. He fought back, he didn’t lay down, and he will do what he deems as necessary to protect himself and others from his fate. This, however, is framed by Bruce and others as being just as bad as his murderer or even just as bad as Joe fucking Chill. To put this in perspective of a real world equivalent. Combine every billionaire on this planet into one person and instead of their shitty business practices murdering people, they did it with their own two hands. And due to their resources and political power, they would never, ever stop killing or be reasonably contained. More people would die with absolute 100% certainty. Would killing that one person make you equally bad as that person or violating the sanctity of life? That’s the moral question that Bruce puts onto Jason. While the moral question inherent to Jason is actually, is there a line worth crossing to provide reasonable safety (for yourself or the nameless community)? There is actually a difference between those two questions and the reactive abuse framing is certainly a choice. Also, it is funny to me that a man with the amount of power Bruce has (and frequently misuses) can lecture a murder victim on the misuse of power and morality. Are we supposed to be agree with his stoic, philosophical lecturing to a marginalized, abused, murder victim? (yes, we are). Bruce leverages (personal) philosophy against victim’s voice for their own safety, and take a wild guess which one is framed as logical and reasonable.

Jason’s morals come secondary to Bruce’s philosophy in a universe where there is still harm being done (but it’s an acceptable harm). Why is killing the line? Bruce is regularly destroying families and lives by feeding them into the prison industrial complex while supporting it with his whole chest. Or he’s disabling and seriously maiming people with the level of violence he uses.

Crying - Throughout the entire story of Under the Red Hood, we never once see Bruce emote while interacting with Jason outside of tight grimaces. With the exception of the shock he shows at the Joker’s life being threatened, which... Okay, suuure. We never see him cry during any of their interactions, but we do see Jason cry. Specifically, we see him crying when he’s at his most emotionally vulnerable and physically dangerous to the toxic male power fantasy. This kind of vulnerability is rarely shown by male characters, and when it is, it’s usually done with a mist of a tear in their eyes or their face is hidden. There are a few narrative devices that allow men to cry, but they are the exception rather than the rule. Usually, it’s to play for laughs, infantilize, or emasculate. Here, we see Jason combine the violence of a bad victim, bucking the system of power, and fully crying. Just slide right into that hysterical coding like a glove. Jason often shows his feelings entirely. Time and time again, the readers have seen Jason have breakdowns, cry, and be overcome with grief. This is tied to his portrayal as hysterical and unstable in the narrative, but in actuality it shows his capacity for love and how vastly impactful his death was.

This fits nicely with the next point that Jason fits into the hysterical box. Love is framed as one of his key faults. A son reaching for his father.

Love - One of Jason’s defining features is the amount of love and compassion he holds. He’s willing to put up with any treatment, shoulder blame, and sacrifice himself for others to almost an unhealthy degree. However, this doesn’t extend to what he defines as his baseline safety. This one line of safety is the one thing that can’t be crossed, even with all of the love he feels for his father. He desperately wants to feel connection, have a family, and be loved in return with the same unwavering ferocity love that he gives. This is such a fucking key part of the victim experience, especially victims of childhood trauma. The desperation to just be chosen. He’s raw and honest with his reasonable expectation for love to provide safety for him and that is framed as hysterical, needy, unstable, naive, and fucking childish. Victims know what they need to have safety, and this framing as Bruce knowing what’s best for Jason and literally giving a cold shoulder to his needs is disgusting.

Less than - Jason is portrayed as less powerful than Bruce even though they have similar expertise. There are so many instances of this that if you just open any media they both appear in, you can close your eyes, point, and land on an example. It makes me die laughing every time I remember that the Arkham games made Jason just one inch shorter than Bruce. Like, they can’t even be the same fucking height, that’s the level of insecure masculinity surrounding this relationship. Jason cannot and will never be able to be on par with Bruce because of his hysterical femininity and the power of Bruce being the self insert for the toxic male power fantasy. This power dynamic applies to the other batkids as well, but specifically in Jason’s case there is an element of hysteria. The reasons change because he’s so inconsistently written but usually he can’t surpass or even meet a stalemate with Bruce because he’s too emotional, he’s unstable, traumatized, and simply Bad. It’s even explicitly stated by Alfred in Under the Red Hood.

Victim blaming - Jason deserved to die because he didn’t follow orders. Jason deserved to die for not following his training. Jason deserved to die because he was an angry Robin (oh no a child had an appropriate reaction to sexual violence). Jason deserved to die for being human.

Infantilization - Jason is repeatedly infantilized in contrast to Bruce. When given the ultimatum at the end of UtRH, Bruce speaks to Jason like a child, or a bad dog. Ordering him to do things like, “enough!” or “stop this now.” Bruce knows what’s best for Jason (and for everyone in the entire world), we should really just take his word for it and not the victim’s. Imagine staring at a 6 foot wall of a man and scolding him like a child. Beyond that, as mentioned above, his views of love and safety are framed as childish. Even though they are actually leaning more toward collectivism rather than the rampant individualism that Bruce so strongly defers to. (also, just a side note, collectivistic methods in healing from trauma is actually the only scientifically reliable way to heal. Every other method has absolutely abysmal results and higher rates of relapses.)

Silenced and Safety Villainized - Jason is silenced in his own story, acceptable and honored when he was dead and met with vitriol in life. All of the love given to him as Robin turns to ash as soon as he collides with Bruce’s power and morals. I think any survivor can relate to the experience of being told that what happened to them was a long time ago and it’s time to move on. Or even that they’re leveraging their own safety to get what they want in a manipulative way. Regardless of whether or not there was any accountability or justice for the harm done to them. Alfred asks Bruce if he should remove Jason’s memorial in the cave like two seconds after learning of his resurrection because Jason’s methods of securing safety for himself and using his own voice to define his story. Bruce was able to tell Jason’s story when he died. He was able to memorialize, grieve, and ultimately define Jason’s story because Jason wasn’t there to speak for himself. When Jason does speak for himself, he is villainized and literally stripped of his past significance as Robin (or a good victim) by Alfred within seconds. This is reflected in real life with adoptee advocates speaking about how adoption is unethical/harmful/traumatizing and subsequently being framed as ungrateful, selfish, etc. They were little perfect victims without voices before they grew up and could speak for themselves.

Erased - Gestures at the entirety of how Jason is either talked about or completely erased during the 90s Tim Robin run. He wasn’t convenient to talk about, as victims rarely are. This also ties into how Steph’s death was erased and Babs was written like she “won” at trauma by simply... beating it???

Dangerous - Jason is framed as threatening the basic fabric of society (in a story with vigilantes this is hard to do, so they have him oppose the no-kill rule, and then doubled down on Bruce’s characterization of no-killing). Anything that bucks the status-quo is usually marked as villainous in mainstream vigilante/superhero comics, but this is a step beyond that into the interpersonal and political sphere. Hysterical women are often framed as dangerous, villains, snakes, and treacherous (the other side of this coin is weak, pathetic, and pitiable) because they are victimized and then have the audacity to do something to the system about it. Whether that be the system of their immediate families or the political sphere. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Jason was paired with Talia in Lost Days to hammer this point home to the reader. It could’ve just as easily been anyone with access to the Pit that rescued him, but no, we had DC’s favorite brown, treacherous, venomous, female punching bag.

Bruce Wayne, The Batman

Bruce fits well into the father, enforcer, and logical man slot in Jason’s hysterical story. There is a history of ownership throughout women’s history when it comes to their subjugation to men. Women actually couldn’t be put on trial before the witchcraft genocide because they weren’t seen as legally a person. Their male owner would be put on trial instead. Women would go from being owned by their fathers to their husbands after entering marriage, the most dangerous woman being one who isn’t owned (orphaned, widowed). Bruce does treat (and even thinks) about Jason like he’s something that he owns. He’s his protege, his son, and his responsibility.

The narrative function of Bruce as a perpetrator in Jason’s story.

“The perpetrator asks the bystander (reader) to do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander (reader) to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement and remembering” (Herman).

Bruce does remember what happened to Jason. He keeps a permanent memorial to his dead son. However, this doesn’t translate into any kind of tangible action. He doesn’t do anything to actually stop the murderer who took his son’s life and he continues to throw child soldiers at the problem of crime (how many children have died for the sake of his no-kill rule at this point?). When met with the reality of his inaction, he fits into the perpetrator’s role like a glove:

“In order to escape accountability for his crimes, the perpetrator does everything in his power to promote forgetting. Secrecy and silence are the first line of defense... If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the credibility of his victim. If he cannot silence her absolutely, he tries to make sure that no one listens... From the most blatant denial to the most sophisticated and elegant rationalization... One can expect to hear the same predictable apologies: it never happened; the victim exaggerates; the victim brought it upon herself; and in any case it’s time to forget the past and move on. The more powerful the perpetrator, the greater his prerogative to name and define reality, the more completely his arguments prevail” (Herman).

I think it is simply fact at this point that Bruce is the head patriarch in Gotham if not, arguably, in the entirety of DC. That level of power in the narrative cannot be ignored, especially when faced with the very real, screaming voice of a victim that Bruce uses all of that power to silence. Bruce, because of his status as patriarch, default protagonist, and self-insert for the toxic male power fantasy, has the ultimate power to name and define reality. Especially to the reader. Bruce doesn’t deny what happened to Jason, because that’s physically impossible to do. But what he does do is ensure that no one listens to Jason, discredits him, and rationalizes his own inaction, actions of violence towards Jason, and victim blames.

Here’s Bruce using the most base form of denial and victim blaming:

After this panel, Bruce also revokes Dick’s access to his childhood home simply for asking a question.

This theme extends to other members of the batfam because of Bruce’s narrative power over them. It’s why we can’t have Dick, Steph, Babs, or even Damian step in and relate to Jason’s trauma or vindicate him. Even when we, the readers, can see parallels and wonder why these conversations or bonds aren’t forming. Jason HAS to be a lone wolf because he is hysterical and a threat to the system of power. This also shows why most of his runs in group settings outside of the batfam fall apart or fall flat. If he was humanized by any other character or had his trauma validated in any actionable way, it would be recognizing the failure of the toxic male power fantasy. The readers are not supposed to see the flaw in this system that allows the bodies of children to pile up and sympathize with one of their voices. It would be a crack in the system of power that exists not only in the source material, but very much within our real world.

Side note: Jason is allowed to interact with others in a wholesome and validating way when he no longer threatens the systemic power of Bruce. When he is silenced by the writers and plays the “nice victim” (like Babs does), he is allowed connection. Only when his healing is done in a way that doesn’t demand action and is only his personal responsibility (gotta love the rampant individualism). If he is hysterical, demands action, and asks for someone to be held accountable for his death, he is shoved away into a lone wolf box. Examples: Gotham Knights (from my very basic understanding, I haven’t played the game, only seen play throughs) and WFA. Victims are acceptable if they do their healing in a neat little box and stay there, but hysterics are the ones who step outside of that box.

Red Hood, The Political Voice of Hysteria and Trauma

Red Hood is deeply political in terms of hysteria and trauma. Herman stated that victims and those that authentically care for them or listen to them intently (whether that be interpersonally, clinically, or professionally) are silenced, ostracized, and discredited. Survivors need a social context that supports the victim and that joins the victim and witness in a common alliance. On an interpersonal level this looks like family, friends, and loved ones. However, trauma is systemic and the social context mentioned above must also be given on a wider social scale. For this to be done, there had to be systemic change and political action. Jason had the interpersonal social support and witnesses to his trauma ripped from him by Bruce. So, we see him move onto a systemic level of addressing trauma in his own political way. He literally cannot escape Bruce and this constant trigger because of Bruce’s philosophy and just... fucking power to define reality... being re-enforced constantly in DC no matter where he tries to go. So, he tries to heal by taking the systemic issue of perpetrators who cannot be held accountable or have fallen through the cracks of accountability into his own hands in a very personal way. A one man political movement.

Whether his methods are moral or ethical doesn’t really matter in the overall framing him as hysteric. He simply has to be opposed by the male power fantasy in some significant way. This shows that the goals, needs, and work towards victim’s and the marginalized’s freedom is dangerous, doomed to fail, and ultimately unethical if the victim is framed in a villain light instead of the more pathetic/pitiable iteration of hysteria.

You can see how this is not only problematic but also reflects the real world values instilled in arguments against human rights movements (which are intrinsically tied to victims rights). Defunding the police is dangerous, the MeToo movement is dangerous, abolition is dangerous, trans rights are dangerous, etc etc etc. Think of the victims voices tied to each of these movements and how they are integral to the real change offered by these political movements. You can’t have human rights violations without creating victims. And you can’t have political movements surrounding human rights without listening to victims.

We can also see how the individuals within these movements are ostracized, villianized, and often silenced (sometimes ultimately silenced with death) because they rally against the systems of power that victimized them. The framing of traumatized, vulnerable people as hysterical is integral to upholding the system of power that traumatizes and harms them.

A popular comic book movie adaptation that highlights the importance of Jason’s hysterical framing and how it impacts the political narrative/how he is written is V for Vendetta. To be fair, it received an insane amount of backlash by conservatives (not within leftist or liberal spaces) for V’s methods in over throwing fascism, but only because of the movie’s release date being so close to 9/11. V and Jason have many parallels, it’s only the lack of hysterical framing that makes V more palatable to the viewer. We are told, not shown through behavior, that V is traumatized by his past and he does not pick a fight with the protagonist that functions as a toxic male power fantasy. He is the protag, with his version of Bruce being men who are not framed in a sympathetic, heroic, or relatable light.

Additionally, there is literally an unemoting mask standing between the viewer and V, whereas Jason takes off his helmet to allow the reader to see every aspect of his trauma and pain. V readily dehumanizes himself into an idea, rather than a person. Whereas Jason screams to be seen as a person in a very hysterical way. So, we can see how the framing of Jason as hysteric against the logical, heroic man greatly impacts how the audience reads him when contrasted by a very similar political story/character who uses similar (and arguably more violent) methods to meet his ends. (This just made me realize that I would die for a Jason adaptation written by the Wachowski sisters).

Jason’s work as Red Hood is seeped in leftist, victim, and community centered politics. His portrayal as a hysterical antagonist (at best an anti-hero) is rooted in misogyny and upholding patriarchal, capitalist, and the prison industrial complex systems of power. He is the righteous embodiment of “the personal is political” for victims. Even his Robin run draws attention to and shows correct, angry reactions to the system of patriarchal power in sexual violence.

Patriarchal Writing and Enforcement

Jason is girl-coded and hysterical because he’s supposed to be emasculated, discredited, and disliked by the reader. He serves the narrative function of boosting the toxic male power fantasy of Bruce and in doing so, the writers use one of the oldest tropes in the book (one that we have all subconsciously been taught since birth) to get the reader on their side. Make him a hysterical woman.

References: for anyone interested in furthering their understanding of any of the concepts mentioned above and to, you know, use sources for my own writing.

Barstow, A. Witchcraze

Bondi, L., Burman. E. Women and Mental Health: A Feminist Review

Freud, S. The Aietology of Hysteria

Gilman, C. P. The Yellow Wallpaper

Herman, J. Trauma and Recovery

Ussher, J. The Madness of Women.

Van der Kolk, B. The Body Keeps the Score

Wilkin, L., Hillock, S. Enhancing MSW Students’ Efficacy in Working with Trauma, Violence, and Oppression: An Integrated Feminist-Trauma Framework for Social Work Education

#jason todd #bruce wayne #hysteria #dc #meta #clovis writes #listen I regularly have to write 20-30 page research papers on therapy theory and mental health #I'm so sorry this is so long but it is actually impossible to shorten it #one of my profs once said I write in a way that's academic but still readable and know the meaning of brevity #and I was like: sir I've never been accused of brevity before #this took 3 days to write and get my thoughts straight on it #remember: you asked for this lol #holy fuck the word count on this is nearly 5k I'm so sorry #I literally can't proof read this because my brain has shut off from reading this post #there's probably some stuff misspelled and also missing from this but I'm done with it lol

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cubedmango · 1 year

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white lie

(rest of the comic under the cut)

#cherry magic #my art #comic #it is done . took a month somehow but it is Done.......#do u ever think abt drawing a simple basic hug and then ur brain goes 'ok but what if a whole Thing happens before then'? no????#also i wanted to color this to try out some Techniques(tm) but the only thing ive learned is to never make colored comics again . My Hand..#i have thoughts abt the whole thing i wanted to write but im so tired god . maybe ill write them out later #no more art for a week at least . ive done too much okay bye

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vorestarr · 5 months

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thoughts on vampirism as a symbol of trauma

i've been thinking about this in relation to Astarion's story arc for a while and started writing this post a couple times, only to have it become much longer than expected, so for now this post is just going to be about the different paths of ascension vs spawn from the end of his personal quest. (i think there are multiple ways to read his story, and this is just the way i've been reading and thinking about it.)

the basic idea of this post is that Astarion's vampirism is a physical manifestation or symbol of his trauma, and therefore the two different ending paths for him are distinguished by how he addresses his vampirism (and therefore trauma).

it's pretty clear that the vampirism itself is a traumatic experience for Astarion, from how he describes almost dying, then actually dying, and then everything that comes afterwards at Cazador's hands. but i think of this a step further, in that the actual symptoms of vampirism are also part of this. there's an idea that there are physical manifestations of traumatic experiences held in the body, even if the trauma itself was psychological in nature (i.e., the body keeps the score). this is how i read vampirism for Astarion, specifically.

to start, he's turned into a vampire after a traumatic experience (almost being killed by a group of people one night). he's "saved" from this by Cazador turning him into a vampire, but still his body literally dies when he turns into a vampire, which is another separate traumatic event where he feels himself die and then has to climb out of his own grave. (also noted, i believe it's hinted that Cazador orchestrated the attack on Astarion that almost killed him in the first place, so Cazador is the cause of all of this trauma in one event that is Astarion becoming a vampire.)

his body is physically changed by the experience. he loses things because of it, maybe things that were not particularly important to him but now seem incredibly important once they're gone (like walking in the sun) or things that were previously important to him and now he can no longer enjoy (living indulgences and pleasures like food, or his own reflection). also critically, he cannot get those things back. his life is changed (literally ended) and there's no fixing it.

he learns coping strategies during the subsequent 200 years, which i will not get into in this post, but suffice to say that he learned things that he believed would protect him in the moment.

after the tadpole when he experiences freedom from Cazador's influence for the first time, there are some critical shifts that happen to start him on a path to address these things, or not. the recent interview where the devs mention that the ascended path is one of fear, i really agreed with and have said similar things in previous posts, because to me, i think the main difference between how Astarion acts in those paths is that for ascension, he relies on the methods he learned in those 200 years to survive in the moment, while in the spawn path, he learns new ways to cope.

to elaborate on that, i think the ascension path specifically is about avoidance.

in trauma, avoidance is what it sounds like: avoiding any triggers or negative emotions related to the traumatic experience. the avoidance can manifest in different ways, but a key idea is that by avoiding those negative feelings, they are never actually addressed.

i think there are two big ways this manifests in Astarion's story, related to vampirism:

ascended Astarion is avoiding those negative feelings of fear of Cazador (or someone else doing what Cazador did) by focusing on seizing power and control. if he's more powerful, in control of a situation, then nothing bad can happen to him again. the way this ties back to vampirism as a symbol of trauma is that this is literally described to us in the game as the natural course of life for vampires: they live in fear of other vampires, fear of their own spawn seizing their power, etc. this is the story of Vellioth and Cazador, and then later Cazador and Astarion (regardless of the choice he makes to ascend or not). we even get a list of vampires where ALL their life spans/eras of power are timed so that we can infer that each subsequent vampire has killed the previous vampire to dethrone them. so, vampirism itself is trauma and the known course of vampirism is this same cycle we see repeated with multiple vampires and histories in game. by taking a different path and not becoming a full vampire, spawn Astarion has started to learn a new way of dealing with his vampirism/trauma, rather than avoiding it.

the OTHER major way i see this manifest in the game is how ascension and spawn paths deal with the literal symptoms of vampirism: walking in the sun, Astarion's reflection, food versus drinking blood, the vampiric state of undeath, etc. these are all things that changed about Astarion when he became a vampire, and things that (in the normal course of events) cannot be changed back. he died, he's dead, there's no curing his vampirism. in other words, there's no going back to who he was before the traumatic experiences. that by itself is a neutral statement, the same way that there's no going back to who a person is before any major event (be it meeting someone important, choosing to take a certain job, etc etc), because we are all constantly changing and growing. HOWEVER, i think the places with Astarion where this stops being neutral is how he addresses that fact: with acceptance or avoidance.

to elaborate on the second point, which is my main reason for making this post:

on the spawn path, Astarion learns new ways to be and to live with his vampirism. in his epilogue, he can mention that he's not bothered by losing the sun again, he can describe finding a sense of belonging with others who share his vampirism, and he can define himself in new ways that he's picked for himself rather than stay in the definition of vampire that Cazador held.

in the ascension path, Astarion avoids all of those difficult realizations and choices. he falls back on the same strategies that helped him survive in the moment for those 200 years, but which can and do hurt him after escaping that environment. he's working hard to keep from addressing those negative feelings -- and on the surface, this works! he can walk in the sun without the tadpole! he has new vampire powers and he can do all the things he lost when he died! he can see his own reflection again! but, he's still a vampire, still has his fangs, still has his red eyes.

this is why i think the route is characterized by fear and why i found that interview with the devs interesting: by focusing on all those avoidance behaviors, Astarion ends up being stuck in a state of mind that's all about fear because it's all about avoiding that feeling. he feels great in the moment because he has been able to claim back some of what was taken from him, but this is not a solution because he's still a vampire.

personally, i do not read the ascension path as continuing a cycle of abuse, but as the continuation of avoiding the painful process of healing from trauma.

ascended Astarion is elated after killing Cazador because he feels the power flowing through him and it makes him feel safe in the moment, and because he is avoiding addressing any lingering feelings of pain or negativity, including avoiding addressing that he just killed 7000 people.

spawn Astarion meanwhile looks absolutely miserable immediately after killing Cazador when he cries and breaks down, and then he feels numb later because he's so overwhelmed. this i think resembles something that can happen in trauma therapy, where a person feels worse when they initially start addressing and working through their trauma, because it means actually feeling all of those negative emotions they've been avoiding.

in the end, ascended Astarion has not changed how he addresses his trauma or vampirism, and the ascension has actually given him more tools to continue avoidance. spawn Astarion meanwhile is exploring other ways of living with his vampirism, and can be experiencing success with that by the time the epilogue rolls around (even if there are some bumps and regressions along the way, like losing his ability to walk in the sun again).

because this is my main reading, i also don't think this makes ascended Astarion evil or irredeemable -- i think he shows that he does still have all the emotions that he's displayed through the game and therefore he still has the potential to follow the same path that spawn Astarion did in healing. but, the critical thing with the ascension path is that he does not have the clear motivation or triggering event to start him down that path. he's further away from that, and it will take more work to get there. everything he did after all comes back to the ways he learned to survive under Cazador, so those behaviors helped him at one point. the issue is that he's past the point of those things helping him, but he can't let them go.

tl;dr: i like looking at vampirism itself as a physical symbol of trauma and as a way to read Astarion's potential storylines, because it provides a context for me to view how the ascension and spawn paths treat his vampiric symptoms -- avoiding them in the ascension path by giving him an "out" of sorts to avoid addressing how those symptoms impact his life because of the extra abilities granted to him by the ritual, versus being forced to grapple with them and figure out a way to life with them and even enjoy them on his own terms in the spawn ending.

if you read this whole post, thanks for sticking with me and feel free to share your thoughts too. :)

#astarion #meta #astarion ancunin #i have a whole other post related to this about some specific in game events so i will link it here when im done writing that...#but for now this is just a brain dump of some things ive been thinking of when i think about his story #i really love ascended astarion tbh and i find his path really cathartic and validating when it comes to trauma responses #but i also love and appreciate the way that the game shows how spawn astarion hurts and has to hurt in order to heal #idk i just really enjoy his character and both paths and i haven't been viewing them as 'good' or 'bad' paths/endings #and just wanted to share my thoughts and framing for how i approach him :)

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