#but even then i feel shitty cause 1. i could still very much be wrong and 2. people struggle way more than i do

[shortpplfedup]

Only Friends Character Rankings Episode 12

And that's all she wrote friends! And how she wrote it was...weird? The show definitely pulled some punches at the end there, trying to thread a needle and ending instead in a kind of wishy-washy damp squib. The couples landed up right, but in the wrong way? Guu mai chorp. But these hoes still need their final sorting. Nick led the pack going into the finale, will he end up on top at the end? Only the mains this week in my final rankings, but first...

⭐A1. FUCKIN' MIX!

Then…can I be your friend too?

I'm sorry I can't hear y'all over my screams at the MESS Minx Mix looks set to cause. That man is too pretty to be allowed in public. I WANT IT JOJO, I WANT IT NOW!

🔻🔻🔻Z∞. Boeing (8)

I just happen to want something strong tonight.

In the end, Boeing is just a lonelyboy like all the rest of them, which is fine, but he also just...disappears after the Ray/Mew Voltron vanquishes him and he gets a consolation makeout from Boston, which is not. Anyway, Mond is a good actor, also he's hot and got to kiss a bunch of boys, so winning.

Top tier show sidepieces: Yo, Plug, Summer, Freddie Mercury 2, Sand's Mom, Ray's Dad, Daddy Dan, April, Mew's Moms (barely)

These characters were mostly on the side of the angels, and I thank them for their service.

Bottom bitches: Cheum, Atom, Gap

Yeah they apologised, but fuck em.

Onto our main six!

🔺1. Boston (2)

I'm friendless.

In the end, Boston's at the top of my mains pile, because MY MANS DESERVED BETTER. Not in terms of Nick, I think that actually ended the absolute best way: Boston made his case, Nick made his decision, and they parted more or less as friends (and I loved absolutely every conversation those two had in this episode). No I mean in terms of his shitty friends, especially MEW. Cheum at least apologised, even if perfunctorily, and he apologised for sleeping with Atom (yeah, he really shouldn't have done that). He and Ray let the water wash under their particular bridge, and seem set to be cool. They never really had much in the way of beef to be fair. But Mew...actually you know what, good. Some people you don't need to be friends with, especially people who are gonna judge you and try to make you feel shitty about yourself. The narrative leaves Boston literally alone at the end though, legit the last time we see him is sitting on the curb with tears in his eyes as Nick walks away. Thanks, I hate it. I hope New York is better to Boston, and I hope he continues to learn and grow and tackle those impulse control problems.

🔻2. Nick (1)

You should go back to living a fun and sassy life that you prefer instead of trying to please a daydreaming guy like me.

YOU COULD HAVE ACCEPTED THE GODDAMN PHOTO NICKYBOY. I mean I get why not, but justice for my mans. Anyway, Nick's legit my second fave main here, as he grapples with the in-your-face realities of Boston's separation of love and sex, and decides he can't handle it. And that's good, that he loves Boston enough not to judge him, and loves himself enough not to put himself through something he knows he doesn't want. Every single choice and every conversation these two have had since Nick apologised has been nothing less than stellar, and that's because Nick took accountability and chose honesty. Well done baby boy.

🔺3. Sand (5)

You're right. When I love someone, I become a dog. But at least my owner loves me.

Pathetic to the very end, consistency thy name is Sand. He could have at least thrown his bussy into that threesome, but nooooooo, he got jealous IN TWO DIRECTIONS AT ONCE 🤣. He's fine with both boys slangin the dick his way, but calls a halt when they leave him out? Sir that's when you stand back and admire. Sand's pick-me ass ain't never gonna be my absolute fave, but his self-awareness and humiliation kink work together to be kind of endearing in a guileless sort of way, and at least he's learned to take the money if he's going to accept the ownership. It's sweet in a weird kink way. Also, his and Nick's loser friendship pushes him several points higher up the scale. There's growth and acceptance there, and he's 21 so I'll let him have it.

🔺4. Ray (7)

You still love him so I dragged him here for you. But I wanted to join just a little.

Well when he's not drunk night and day Ray's still a rich asshole, but he's a ton more fun. I love that he knows the kids at community service don't like him🤣. I spot rehab therapy working on him a bit. That threesome set up was WILD, and I personally had a good time with it, but it's probably best that it led to talking rather than fucking. Ray's got a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG way to go, but at least he treats Boston like a human being (I AM SO BITTER AND I'M NOT GETTING OVER IT). He's never gonna clock Mew's shittiness (BITTERNESS ACCELERATING) but you win some, you lose some. By the way sir, don't listen to Sand, he absolutely will be your sugar baby if you beg a little.

🔻5. Top (4)

Because I have you, everything is fine.

Top's smugness was the single most genuine thing about him, so I actually quite enjoyed watching him be a smug motherfucker this ep as he gets everything he thinks he wants. You know what I enjoyed more though? Watching his soul leave his body when Minx!Mix walked into the hostel and laser-targeted Mew. Mew putting Top through hell is legit my favourite flavour of their weird little fucked up relationship, and I'm sorry I won't get to see Mew eventually fall for Mix (you KNOW he wants to top somebody, YOU KNOW IT) and Top cry about it while he screws a bellboy in a service closet.

🔹6. Mew (6)

Are you about to say "But you're my last, Mew"? If so, I'm going to go puke in the bathroom.

OK, that line was funny, but jeez what a prig. What a sanctimonious nag. What a judgy little hypocrite. In his own conception he 'won' but Mew's the biggest loser in my heart. No he didn't have to forgive Boston, but come on, he could've kept it cute OR kept it moving full speed instead of the fake nicey nicey only to stick the knife in after. It's good that he walks away from Boston in the end, because with friends like Mew you don't need enemies. He makes Ray worse. And he and Cheum form the feedback loop from hell. Bookie sold the fuck out of this character, I have nothing but praise for him, but Mew is the living worst. I won't mention the character he reminds me most of in all of fiction, but if you're a certain age and you think about it a little, you can probably guess.

#only friends the series #bless this mess #only friends weekly character rankings #i support gay wrongs #only friends #only friends series #bl meta series

[chaifootsteps]

College anon dropping in to say that the dubs aren't very good. Some, like the french one, sound like the text went through google translate (and the dubbing in general is terrible despite France having a good rep in the industry). The Italian version of Poison is low-key good tho

As for my reaction to Poison, imagine that gif of the happy yellow emoji looking traumatized/dead inside. I stared at the screen wondering what led me to watching this and how ANYONE would think this was a good scene. Vivziepop claiming that the leaks don't represent the full scene was right for once... It was so much worse. I could think of a more tasteful way to picture it in 5 seconds, it isn't that hard. She could have even kept most of the scene, just remove the graphic stuff to keep the suggestive dancing (a smart idea that should have remained subtle) and maybe keep the Val part à la Addict to show that, yeah, on top of "working" all night (because the graphic scenes made it obvious he stopped "enjoying" work early during the night), Val SA'd him and that shows the entirety of the hell he's going through. It explains why he breaks down and lashes out. Viv didn't need to keep most of the SA, the entire thing was implied.

Also episode 4 comes out of left field. Yes, it was foreshadowed since the beginning but why is Angel suddenly returning his calls? We SAW him ignore Val. He clearly HATES him. Since when is Husk calling him out and badgering him about being "fake"?? They've known each other for a WEEK. It's way too early for that. It's like we're missing 3-4 episodes of development in-between. Angel reconnecting with Val and showing hints that this is indeed a facade, Husk knowing a lot about everyone and giving a damn... This should be a mid-end of season arc for Angel. I'd personally make it end of season 1 so that he can show change during season 2, beginning as someone new, someone who slowly tries to show he cares and let down his bravado in small amounts, with clear hints of being a little scared of the reactions, until it naturally becomes his full-time persona. Maybe have Charlie notice at some point and subtly encourage him, DELIGHTED (in caps because that girl is extra) that Angel is getting better but having to keep her excitement in in fear of scaring him off (because Charlie should have SOME sort of emotional intelligence ffs).

Loser, Baby feels out of place. This is NOT the appropriate reaction to Angel's words. Did they rewrite the dialogue but not the song?? Here's how it sounds:

Angel: I feel like I've gotta be Val's perfect whore all the time so I'm trying to break myself enough he will be alone—

Husk: Well, it's okay to be a loser, baby! Look at me, I'm a failure too. You ain't special and it's okay!

....So Angel is a loser/failure/broken but Val is still into him??? Did they realize that this should send him the wrong message?! That Val will "love" him no matter what and that Angel cannot be free, that he's been making himself miserable for NOTHING?? First of all, Husk's greediness and addictions are NOTHING like Angel's situation. He signed with his real name. That alone implies that Val snatched him early on as he arrived. On top of that, he's being abused every way possible on the regular, for no fault of his own, and is self-destructing. He cannot kill himself and Val won't let him be killed. This is NOTHING like Husk losing a game for more power and being forced to be a bartender.

Here's how it should have gone for the song to work:

Angel: So?! The real me is a good for nothing loser who died in a ditch from some shitty coke! THIS is the famous, hotter than Hell pornstar that everyone wanna fuck! And I've— I've gotta be the part. 'Cause if I'm not... If I ain't then who am I?

Angel's fear should have been about being seen as who he was, as some loser that nobody loved. Let him feel like he beat his father, that now he's someone so suck it dad! You were wrong! Let Angel behave as if his life was a porn movie because that's all he knows now and what he thinks he should be like. Instead of trying to ruin himself so that Val discards him, have him try to be perfect... Because that'll stop the abuse, right? Val is happy when he acts like that. The perverts worship him. No one cares about Anthony.

That would make Loser, Baby work. It would achieve its goal of saying "it's okay to suck, we all do! Look at me, I'm a loser but my life isn't over!" and get Angel to accept that he's enough as he is. If you add in a few episodes beforehand to set it up, it could have worked better instead of being insensitive.

Personally I would have entirely changed the Angel/Val dynamic. Val can still be a whiny bitch but not in a drama queen way as is implied. He gets like that whenever he loses control of his favorite. Have one of the Vees groan and say something about Angel having done something as if it happened often. Make them used to Val throwing a fit because he didn't get what he wanted out of Angel or because he's having a jealousy fit. It already makes Val more controlling. It'll make the messages scene hit harder as, yeah, we can see why Angel left, the dude is unstable and obsessed. I'd be a little more fucked-up and have Angel kinda love him. Ofc in the Stockholm Syndrome way, he's been abused so much he's too attached to leave. That shift in dynamic would explain why he eventually goes back despite everything. Like in the show, he feels ignored in favor of the new resident and the way he's dismissed and talked about makes him feel like shit. He checks his phone again and ends up listening to Val's new voice messages... And this time, they're sickeningly sweet in a row. He's sorry, he's begging for him to come back. He loves him. And that's enough for Angel to go out or answer him. Put a few episodes in-between where Angel seems... Off? How weird, he's jumpy, more on his phone. He's out for parts of the episodes or clearly focused on something else. Then we get episode 4, where everyone culminates to show how bad the situation is for him. I'd personally not have Val hit him. He's smart enough to not leave bruises on his top whore. However, he's manipulative and threatening. There's no doubt that he COULD hit Angel whenever, especially with the way he cowers. Angel tries to diffuse the situation, so well that it's heartbreaking, and he gets bold. That line when he doesn't reply "Yes Val" is meant with silence as we wait for Val's reaction, waiting for him to blow up. A beat. He doesn't. He's not calm but he's not as angry. He's not going to hit him. He thanks Angel, touching him while the other flinches, a hint that he handles Angel roughly in this kind of situation, and just as Angel looks relieved, he announces that he'll have to work all night, distressing Angel again.

Ofc that would require extensive research and talk to specialists to do it well. Viv's audience can be stupid so it's more of a struggle to make it clear that none of this is Angel's fault and to not romantize this shit but it's more interesting than Val being so obviously abusive. IMHO he almost transformed into someone else in that episode and it could work but we didn't see enough of him to go "oh that's the old abuser trick! he's not as nice as he is with others when he's with his victim!". Idk how to put it sensibly but the impression he gave me was "whiny manchild who sadly was given enough power by Daddy Vox to abuse someone" instead of the intended "terrifying Overlord who is unstable and abusing his power to abuse whichever worker he fancies at the moment". I dunno Chai I just think it would work better if he were more manipulative and welding his power in other ways than by force. Like Angel isn't scared by his strength but by his influence. Also I would low-key find a way to make it so that Angel, mistakenly, thinks he can get away with some things to explain how he'd leave for the Hotel. Like having him not be a perfect victim. While he tries to cater to Val and keep him happy out of fear (and/or care because abuse fucks you up), he sometimes provokes him or tries to do his own thing. It'd show he's his own person and stuff. Sadly that would be lost on Viv's stans and it would absolutely spark some victim-shaming stuff or worse. But I think if she's gonna try to portray something like this, she could do with some nuance and not so... Cliché? Of course, it happens like this to too many people but it feels like she's applying a trope with no thought into it. The most cookie-cutter depiction she could do for quick satisfaction or to tick that case. A bit like how Stolitz is a mix of multiple tropes and is a terribly done version of that trope where a noble falls in love with someone whose class is lower with a sprinkle of badly done transactional relationship that sparks feelings. Thinking of HB, HH has better representation of abuse but not by much. I feel like if Stella was a man, she'd have written it this way? It felt like fetish fuel hiding underneath the surface whereas Stella was lazy writing.

I dunno man, I wanted to rant about Charlie and her design but episode 4 hit me like a wall of bricks

Thank you for all of this, College Anon. This was a great read, and you're right, the Italian version of Poison goes so much harder than the English.

Also Italian Val's voice is...yeah, 10/10 stars on that one. Mama mia.

#Anonymous #viv stuff #actual blog post #hazbin hotel critical #video reply

[lightamp]

let's rate red hood costumes

if i forgot smth lo siento. just let me know, there are so many of these and i am one creature

this is just for fun btw. nothing serious here! <3

now these are all comic canon red hoods (except maybe two? we'll get to them). no alt universes. maybe one day.

now on to the costumes

Hush Jason. Maybe not technically Red Hood but like. c'mon. close enough

i'm giving the rating 6/10

I know the trench coat was probably more for mr. hush himself, but i enjoy it. i'm also a filthy pouch lover so they do get points. also in red! cute. the boots are also neat. the negatives are that ugly robin dress/tunic thing. kinda silly. still it was good for giving bruce a spook.

2. the classic. the og. red hood utrh version!

9/10, easy. the casual outfit paired with the sleek red helmet. *mwuah* wonderful! nothing bad to say. it's recognizable. comfortable. stylish. great job all around

3. titans tower. ah.

-10/10. i would give props for running around in the scalies BUT THE UGLY ASS YELLOW TIGHTS. disgusting. bare his legs to the world you cowards. i'm mad. this could get at least 7/10 for sheer moxy if it weren't for those hideous target brand pantyhose

4. brothers in blood.

he's literally just copying dick, but being unhinged as hell about it.

5.5/10. he looks good. who doesn't in nightwing's fit? though he is copying, he does get points for obsessive weirdness of it all.

bonus?

???/10 i don't know how i feel. i've never known how i feel about this.

5. final crisis

i think he had a helmet in this arc and it broke but dont quote me!!!! pay me to read final crisis again if you have an issue.

he spends most of his time in jeans + leather jacket + just the domino

this is probably the most boring but i give it a 10/10 my boring ass loves it. no dressups just a guy in a shitty little mask. clapping. bravo. there's something ~thematic~ bout it

6. final crisis pt 2

1/10 i hate the red robin suit i hate it i hate it. we finally got tim out of the damn thing even though it came at too high a cost (he's trapped in robin purgatory). it does look okay in wfa, but usually in dc reg comics it looks like ass.

regardless jason looks bad in it too. very sweet of murdery bruce to give it to him but ugh. at least could've given him some ears on that mask. then it couldve been bumped a point

7. batman

the first time jason decided to wear a muzzle. hm.

6/10. there's nothing wrong with it. it's just a bit generically 'what would gun batman look like'. the face part is my favorite, with the weird grater muzzle, pointy ears, and red glowing eyes. it's fun

8. batman&robin

i need to get my first thought out. the little symbol on his chest reminds me of homestuck. i can't really unsee it. i know like theres no connection. but it looks like it could belong on a homestuck human

anyway. 3.5/10. he was willing to try something totally new, so i'm giving points. i enjoy the white. is the red hood goofy af? yes. yes it is. iconic, though? sometimes the upper black part is drawn lower, i've noticed. it doesn't change much for me.

i like the thigh highs going on here. the red guns are sexy!. he looks bad but there are good things here!!!

there is this version, which ditches the thigh highs, gives back the classic helmet, removes the cape for a jacket, and adds belts.

6/10 i think it fixes a lot about the prev costume, though it's really just like they threw utrh's costume and his previous batman&robin costume in the blender lmfao

wow flashpoint. father todd is not a red hood, so we progress.

9. nu52

an update on the og look. i do like the contrasting brown jacket, the prominant thigh straps. sometimes his helmet is drawn suctioned to his face so -2 for any of that cause it's so weird

8/10 not a bad update to the classic.

10. red hood/arsenal

i dont remember when he changed into this actually. in my head it's rh/a but i could be wrong.

i see no one talking about this abomination. his new fit? yah. this one? no?

4/10 the bottom of this is fine. i HATE the jacket. sorry it's just. ugly. his arm bands are also clunky. the matching between arsenal and red hood is nice though. so it didnt get too low. roy pulls it off better :(

11. wingman

hm. i didnt read this. this makes me not want too akdsfhsl

0/10. ugly. looks like a villain in some scifi thing in the 90s. like power rangers. sentai villain looking ass. boring grey, ugly lines and shapes, the goofiest helmet on earth......

ig willis is burdened with this curse now

12. 3 jokers (dubiously canon. i dont consider it so but since dc left it in the air we add it)

he has a helmet for a bit. this one is interesting bc i could actually see it as a futhering of his costume had he lived. sans helmet ofc. it's hard bc i don't not like this, i just feel it doesnt fit his aesthetic in the present day. 5/10. if jason had lived and not become red hood id rank it higher but then we wouldnt be here, would we?

13. batman's gift

i debated putting this, but it's different enough from the nu52 vers

very fun. body armor all over. i like the red arm guards here unlike w/ the prev one that had these (less bulky ?). i like the leg stripes.

it doesn't really do much to change his look, but there are differences

7/10

14. task force z

it's like the above but more just body-armored. really all he's done is remove the jacket and get shoulder pads. 6/10. the negative point is for the lost jacket :(

bonus

7/10 i did say if he ditched the tights i'd rank it higher (twas all a dream through lmao)

15. current

controversial of me, but i think. i think it's fine.

now i do agree his little hoodie is.........well it's not that great. my least favorite part tbh.

the new brown pants nicely contrast, though i have seen this costume with grey pants too?

here we are. The red bandages are fun, i think if they were white i'd hate 'em but the red is interesting. i also like when bits of them are sticking out. idk. cute detail.

i like the muzzle mask as well. that with the hood has given us delightful in shadow!jason where only his eyes glow out. i also like when artists put his white hair tuft out. adorable. probably not what he's going for but that's what the creature no face look is for

really the hoodie is the one thing i'm ??? on. it looks silly in a bad way. there are ways to keep a red hood while giving a better jacket/vest. future state's was much nicer.

7.5/10

this wasn't in the ratings but i do prefer any weapon beyond the crowbar sigh. it starts showing up through a lot of them so i decided to just not do anything about the score.

#jason todd #red hood #dc

[yandere-sins]

A Merman’s Tale

And now, for the finale... Thank you all for sticking around and reading this story ♥ Took much longer than anticipated, but I hope you guys enjoyed it and thank you everyone for sending in your thoughts and chats about this story ♥ Please make sure to read the warnings and prepare for a long last chapter! Enjoy!

Warnings: Yandere, Violence (Manhandling the reader, Killing of a fellow merman), Gore (Blood Mention, Teeth Mark mention, Mention of losing a leg), Reader breaking/giving up, Mermaids, Big monsters with big features, Possessiveness, Pregnancy, Mention of Abuse, Very long post

[Part 1] - [Part 2] - [Part 3] - [Part 4] - [Part 5]

»»———————— ♡ ————————««  

Atreo's fascination for your wounds was sickening.

Not just on the surface of 'he put them there,' but also from the pain he induced by dragging his wet fingers over the still bleeding flesh, saltwater mingling with your blood. You let out a long, pained groan as he once again clawed deep in your shoulder, licking his lips while grinning like the madman he was. Even when you two were resting, he seemed hungry for more of the delicious milking you two did just minutes ago. Or had it been hours? Lost in the feeling of pain and pleasure you didn't know how long you had been lying on top of him, face planted in his chest and his hands roaming your sore and weeping body.

At least his breathing was helping you calm down. You had fallen asleep right after getting fucked by him, but you weren't spared his attention-seeking touches that woke you up in a bad mood. "You good, little coral?" he asked, his voice vibrating in his chest and causing goosebumps on your body. A shitty reaction, but after being thoroughly sensitized to him by now, who could blame you?

"- am not," you grumbled, barely able to raise your voice. "Water," you added laboriously, and Atreo's torso twisted beneath you. Not enough that it could throw you off—he was way too massive for that—but you felt every bone and muscle churn inside you as he did, causing you to hiss in pain.

Immediately he halted before his hands gripped your arms, forcing you to bend and move to his will. "What's wrong?" he demanded to know, and you could feel his concern and worry as you continued to groan in pain.

"Stop! Just stop!" you yelled at him. Miraculously, he listened to you. A small victory after being ignored many times before when you asked him to stop at any point prior to this. "Ah, fuck," you groaned, forcing your way up and off him with Atreo's help. His eyebrows furrowed as he rolled himself on top of you, propping his massive body on his arms at each side of your body. Atreo's genuine display of concern passed you as you kept moaning and feeling your wounds open and bleed again. But it was there, his touch against your cheek gentle as he called for your attention.

"Human…" he grumbled, forcing your head straight up again. But you could barely open both eyes, even when he carried the weight of your head in his hands for your relief, your body heating up even more against his cold skin. "Human, tell me what's wrong!"

His demand was dully noted by your throbbing head, but you let out a long sigh as you leaned into his palm, nuzzling it to spread the cold all over you. "It hurts," you complained softly, muttering into his hand. "Everything hurts…"

You didn't need him to touch your forehead to know you had a fever, even though it was still low. Naturally, your body was doing the best it could to help you, especially while you were always in danger with Atreo so near. But forcing at least one eye to open, glancing into his, he didn't seem to be so fearsome anymore. If anything, it was him who looked scared.

It was just for a moment, his expression turning serious almost immediately as he caressed your face carefully, soothingly spreading the natural cold of his body. Almost as if he was trying so hard to finally understand you better. "You are very warm… What do you need, pearl? Tell me what I have to do and I will."

God, if only you knew. Medicine, rest, protection. Everything except the last being things you wouldn't be able to get here. And even so, no protection from him. "Water," you repeated weakly, and Atreo reached over to the nightstand, taking the magical keg from it. It was a wonder that thing even survived the vicious fucking you two went through, feeling like Atreo trashed everything with his tails—including you. But he held up your head for you, so you wouldn't have to strain yourself, letting the water flow down your throat with a few gulps. It did help. A little bit, at least.

But not enough.

Taking a deep breath once the water cleared up and was removed from your throat, you looked over at Atreo, hovering over you and putting away the keg with a somber expression on his face. Very different from his usual chipper, egoistic or predatory demeanor. When his eyes flashed back to you, he lit up for a moment, his body tensing and showing off his refined muscles as if he was trying to woo you with his mighty appearance. However, he immediately returned from wanting to impress to being concerned again as you didn't react favorably, staring motionlessly in his direction. Hovering over you, he brought his face down, dragging his lips shallowly over your cheek and jaw. Hearing the rumble of a purr coming from him, soothed your mind, even if your body was unable to relax.

"Is it better?" he asked, and you let out a breath you didn't know you were holding, too exhausted to show all the tension and fear he installed in you. Slowly, you shook your head, and Atreo bared his fangs. Not in anger. Or at least not anger directed at you.

"I… We… What do you do about your wounds?" you asked him softly, hoping he'd not get mad at your question again. Instead of an answer, he scoffed, puffing his chest proudly, and you knew exactly what he would say. It was almost as if you knew him well already. "I don't get wounded," he announced, and if not for feeling weak, you might have laughed at the lie. You knew he had scars. Even if they were barely visible, you could feel them when you did touch him.

When you didn't answer, a weak smile the only thing changing about you, he looked away, roaming your body. The reflection in his eyes was a pitiful sight, but it humored you that his expression turned even grimmer the longer he looked at you. "Do they hurt? My�� marks…" he asked hesitantly, reaching another finger out to caress them. You flinched. Hard. Maybe even before he touched you, but it was enough to make him recoil. His attention snapped to you, and you curled up in pain, be it physical or mental.

"I didn't want to- I…"

Well, that was new. You hadn't seen Atreo flustered or overwhelmed before, and you certainly didn't prefer it to his dominance and egotistical ways. Maybe things had changed. He did talk a lot about mates and life together. Pups, as he called it. You shuddered, remembering his love-drunk rambles while he plowed into you with no regard. Urgh, you really didn't want to think about the pain below your waistline, your brain mercifully hiding it to keep your sanity.

Atreo looked around now, and you weren't sure what he saw. It was hard to follow his quick movements, harsh twists and turns, but whatever it was that caught his eye, he only grew more concerned, it seemed. Exhausted, you let your head fall to the side, cushioned by a pillow. It was nighttime again, the room not very bright even with the blue lights above you. But the water surrounding the bed didn't look as clean anymore, and you had an inkling why.

Blood. Ew.

Yeah, you hated that. Especially since it was your blood. But it seemed to do the trick as it unsettled Atreo, even more than it unsettled you. "Are you still bleeding?" he asked, and you lazily lifted your arm, which you could feel throbbing even though you didn't doubt the other wounds looking just as poorly. Drips of blood fell from the injury, and Atreo almost paled. "It's not supposed to take this long to close…" he muttered, and you huffed, not needing to say anything to remind him you were human. His weird underwater logic wasn't applicable.

Taking a deep breath, you settled back into the bed completely, losing even the last bit of strength. Atreo moved into action much more rapidly than you thought he would, gathering the blanket he had thrown off in his mating frenzy. It was sopping wet, but he still placed it over you, shaking you ever so slightly as he moved to wrap it around you, even if you had to endure the stinging of your wounds. "I'll…" he mumbled, seemingly still thinking about what to do.

"I'll be back," he finally explained, having come to a conclusion as it seemed. "Don't leave, and be quiet while I'm gone, Mate."

You wanted to scream, "Of course I'm not going anywhere, you bastard!" but instead, you just grunted in understanding, your eyelids leaden. Everything seemed to want to knock you out these days, but you understood why. Reality wasn't better than your dreams. Atreo kept tugging you in some more, purring and smoothing the woven material over you until he could be sure you were dozing off comfortably. All with as much care and gentleness as he possibly could muster. You let out your breath as you heard him slither away, the water swapping around as he exited the room, and you suddenly felt very free with his presence gone. Enough so you could drift off to sleep in peace, not caring if it would be a good or bad dream you'd have.

»»—————♡

Stirred by the sound of water, you awoke, still dazed and uncoordinated. The blanket had kept you surprisingly warm, or perhaps the pain had saved you from thrashing and throwing it off, so it had time to heat. Time was a non-existent concept underwater, but you felt like you'd been out for a while and yet, not long enough. The aching all over your body hadn't ceased, but it felt like your wounds had closed at least, even if you felt no less dirty and hurt.

"Atreo…" you mumbled, wanting to scold him for waking you. When had you two become close enough that you thought you could scold him? Whatever. He made you into this mess, so he could endure some verbal lashes from you as well. You barely settled back against your pillows when you felt his weight creep up on top of you, hands falling to your sides. A palm cupped your cheek, thumb traveling from the tip of your nose over your lips that parted instinctively, but you forced them close quickly, getting nicked by his claw. Groaning over the new pain, you tried to open your eyes, finding them to be glued and crusty. You'd have to rub them first, so you merely sighed, still not strong enough to fight with him.

Much to your frustration, Atreo returned to licking your wounds, and you groaned, annoyed. "Pretty, pretty human," he mumbled, his voice so hoarse and growly, it felt weird against your skin. Peeling you out of your warm blanket, he nibbled at your shoulder, traveling to your collarbones and down to your tits, leaving a tickling sensation everywhere. You shuddered, feeling your anger rise until he found his way to your bite mark, tasting it with an appreciative chortle. You cried out briefly in pain as his tongue licked you incessantly.

His hand clasped over your mouth before the sound could even travel beyond the bed and you choked, suddenly robbed of air as the huge palm covered most of your face. "Shhh!" she hissed at you, and suddenly, things turned from weird to alarming. Forcing your eyes open, you expected your—your?—monstrous merman with his gray skin and endlessly dark eyes to look at you. But after the initial annoyance settled, your eyes finally managed to focus, snapping wide open when you met his gaze.

Not black, red. Clashing with the blue lights inside the nest. Instead of gray skin, the mermaid was much brighter, white almost, with pitch black markings dragging down his back and tail like a blanket. And he was large. Atreo was a huge monster, but this one should have barely fit the hole in the ground used as an entrance. You had no idea who he was, what he was, or why he was here. But for a moment, everything was silent, no bubbling water or loud breaths around you. The calm before the storm.

And before you knew it, you screamed.

Much, much louder than you ever had before.

Forcefully you were crashed into the bed, more brutal and crude than Atreo ever did it, perhaps caused by your assailant's size compared to Atreo's. Your body was already in pain before, but this sure as hell didn't help. Something cracked beneath you, and it was either the bed or your back. All you could think was fuck, fuck, fuck, and how you'd fit into this body wholly. It was massive, gigantic, absolutely enormous. Swallow-you-whole-sized. And now this giant body moved forward, his forehead bumping into yours while his eyes never closed to blink, only staring at you. "Shhhhhhhhhh!" he repeated himself, this time even more incessant, and you whimpered pitifully, tears shooting into your eyes, as a reaction to this intruder.

You had questions—so many of them. But even if you had a chance to talk, you probably wouldn't have been able to utter a word. "Do you want him to come and rip us both apart?" the unknown merman hissed, and your breath hitched as you realized who he was talking about. The situation really didn't look so good from an outsider's view. And you had tiredly promised Atreo to stay quiet and inside, though, to your credit, that's exactly what you did. But you didn't want to know how he'd interpret this situation.

So you shook your head as best as you could, and he huffed, his hand remaining. Still, he returned to your body, loosening the eye contact and returning to lap at what he could reach. "So tasty," he murmured, and you shuddered some more, goosebumps erecting all over your still intact skin. "And so… wasted."

The merman looked up, his expression less than subtly annoyed, and you could barely understand the reason. "I can't understand how he can toy with you like this and leave you to bleed out." Lips curling into a grin, he crooked his head to the side, a truly nasty expression on his face. "I thought only we orcas played with our food, but it seems we're not the only one."

"Helped me find you, though," he admitted, burying his massive head in your chest and taking a deep breath. "You have such a lovely smell. And you don't taste half bad either, even though I was surprised to find a live human."

You were still in a lot of shock, trying to understand everything he was saying and unable to look away from this new threat. For the first time, you wished Atreo was here. You didn't like how Atreo looked at you, but you realized you liked this… orca, even less. All you wanted was peace and quiet to heal and gather your strength. Why was there one disaster after the other coming for you?

Feeling the tears sting in your eyes, you bit your lip, trying to stay as quiet as possible as you sobbed into his palm. His expression didn't turn rueful, but also not confused as you cried like Atreo had. Just plain indifferent. "It hurts, doesn't it?" he asked you, plain and simple. A fact, rather than the question it was worded as. You nodded, and he let his eyes skim over you. "Can imagine. At least we eat our prey after playing."

His words weren't as comforting as he might have thought, though perhaps, he just didn't care. Too fast for your liking, a grin returned to his lips. There was nothing sincere about him, no expression and no action. A killer, psychopath, perhaps. He had no empathy for your misery. Instead, he reveled in it and his superiority that he believed to have over Atreo. And yet, you were foolish enough to listen as he spoke, fixing his gaze back on yours.

"Do you want to leave? Go back?"

Your eyes widened. Deep down, you knew that you couldn't trust these human impersonators. That mistrust must have shone through your eyes, and the merman grimaced in return. "Ah, come on," he chuckled. "No need to be so wary. I'll get you back to shore for, let's say, a small price."

Free hand falling to your leg, he dragged it down, briefly brushing past the bite mark there, and you shuddered. Not just from pain but from fear of his offer. He wasn't wrong. You could complain about how unfair it all was, especially that you had to pay for your freedom. Still, in the end, if leaving and getting out of this misery at only the price of your leg was an option, it was worth the risk. You just had to be put on a lively beach and you'd probably be saved before bleeding out. The pain didn't really matter in your consideration. Only survival and freedom, with or without your leg.

He could see you were considering it, his grin turning into a smirk as he was probably thinking about his dinner. It would be double the victory, taking you from the sharks and getting to eat human meat even if it wouldn't be much. But from what you gathered, he seemed to like playing more than actually feeding. Maybe it was a mad deal. Perhaps you were an idiot for thinking this could work. It was still at least your leg on the line. But you gently muttered the word he wanted to hear into his palm, "Okay."

You must have gone completely insane to agree, but as your situation turned out to be, it was either this, dying, or staying with Atreo—possibly until you die pitifully in this underwater home because of him or even worse: old age. The thought alone of spending the rest of your life here, bored until you go crazy, was scary enough to make the price worth the loss.

"Then," he muttered, tapping his fingers to his lips. You cringed, remembering what Atreo did to supply you with oxygen. The orca grinned wider, seeing your eyes drip with disgust. "I think you know what to do."

He finally let you go, retracting his hand and allowing you to take a deep breath. It was appalling to think you'd have to cling to him, rely on the air of this stranger. But there were crazier things you were going to do than this. Like sacrificing your leg. Maybe when you got to shore, you'd manage to kick him and make a run for it. That was unless you were too far from the beach and had to swim. There was no way you could race him if it came down to that. Reaching forward, you ignored all the sore bones and strained muscles trying to hold you back, aiming for his huge neck to hold on to.

However, before you could find a grip on his body, he suddenly jerked, his eyes widening once again. Though this time, it wasn't in intimidation, and it wasn't fear or domination as he didn't even look at you. It was an expression you knew well, perhaps too well.

Fuck.

In a matter of seconds, limbs were flying, claws were grabbing at everything around you, and you let out a horrified scream as you cowered into yourself, watching as the merman was dragged out of the nest, briefly getting stuck in the hole because of his size before being pulled through it regardless. Cold wet slapped into your face, keeping you in the present, the water level rising briefly as you could watch the fish outside the nest hurriedly swimming away.

And then, in a cloud of blood and stirred-up sand, two massive bodies mingled.

No, not two. More, with new ones joining by the heartbeat.

You couldn't breathe, couldn't stop looking. It reminded you of those wildlife documentaries of piranhas swarming around the chicken those reporters would hang into the water. The tumbleweed of bodies must have started beneath the nest but now was floating upwards, coaxing you to follow, to keep watching. But it hurt too much. Your whole body ached to move, and the bed was unsteady after enduring both Atreo and the orca.

Luckily—or in your case, unluckily for you—you didn't need to wait long.

Perhaps a few more breaths until a shadow dropped to the ground. Before you could lean forward to see who it was, something jumped out of the water, ramming into you with full force and throwing you back into the pillows. This time, you opened your eyes right away, knowing whose face it was hanging in front of you, dripping seawater on you. Atreo seemed crazed, completely mad as he bared his fangs, his visage deformed by aggression. Not surprising after the fight, but still scary to witness.

You ducked away from him as he kept glowering at you viciously. Was it guilt? Or maybe just the submission he had bitten into you? But when he opened his mouth, you expected him to scold you and ask why you agreed to the deal. What you were doing with the orca. Instead, he grabbed your shoulders, squeezing them tightly.

"Mine!" he yelled furiously, his eyes falling from yours to your neck, arm, and side. Everywhere he bit while screaming "Mine! Mine! Mine!" repeatedly.

"You're mine, do you understand?!"

Shaking you, you couldn't hold back the tears, sobbing uncontrollably. What should you do? What would appease him? Was he angry with you, or was this just his way of assuring himself you were still here with him? How could you make this right?

Without thinking, you forced your arms up, even against the grip on your shoulders he had. His strength was unmatched, but you had to do what you could with your limited reach. Crying, sobbing, you threw yourself at him, hugging him tightly and squeezing your eyes shut. If he was angry enough to throw you off him and into a wall, you didn't want to see it.

"Yours!" you yelled, agreeing with him against your will and better judgment. "I am yours!"

And against your expectations… that did it.

You felt his wet, scaly tail wrap around your legs, snaking all the way up to your hips, and Atreo's hands fell from your shoulders to your back, allowing you to cling to him. "That's right," he muttered, rubbing his face into your hair while you shook. "All mine."

The two of you remained like this for a while, every other thought than appeasing your captor banished from your mind. "I fell asleep… I was so tired. I didn't know," you sobbed against his neck, feeling all the scales running down from under his hair. But you continued to nuzzle up to him, even dragging your tender cheek against his gills affectionately. "You reached for him," he confronted you, and you sobbed harder. What now? Would Atreo believe a lie?

But before you could attempt to escape the grizzly fate you had already created in your mind, he hugged you tighter against his chest, whispering his words so quietly you almost didn't hear them. "I thought I lost you. That he'd take you with him. That you'd leave me…"

"No," you breathed. Liar. "Never."

"That's right." Atreo noticeably relaxed, the tension leaving his muscles. "How dare that bastard comes for you! He should have never gone so far as to touch you!"

He believed it. You couldn't believe it. Atreo always seemed so skeptical and wary around you. Declaring you as his mate really did change him. Good for you.

At least as good as this situation was.

Even though he seemed hesitant to let go, he eventually pushed you away, caressing your face for a second before letting his eyes roam over you, checking you. You let him do as he pleased and tried to help lift your arms and legs when you could, but now that the tension seemed to fade, it felt almost worse. The question nagging on you, you decided to ask when he turned you around to examine your back, probably searching for traces of his enemy. Though aside from the bruises his actions probably caused you, there wouldn't be so much to see.

"Is he dead?" you asked, whispering softly. Careful not to make yourself look guilty by showing too much worry. Instead, you opted for playing scared and intimidated. Once again, he believed you, and you counted that as a total success. With his massive arms wrapping around you, Atreo pressed you against him in a way of comforting you, purrs rumbling in his chest, and you touched his arm, feigning thankfulness for his protection.

"He won't bother you ever again," he revealed, and you were surprised that he didn't boast and show off his victory. You had a hunch that by the looks of it, other mermaids had joined the tussle, and it wouldn't be a surprise if the orca was simply overpowered in the end. Kind of felt bad. But knowing Atreo would give up his victory of tearing the orca apart himself to be with you was… dreadful.

Picking you up, he wanted to settle you in, but felt the broken parts of his bed as he leaned on it and growled in frustration. Instead, he pulled you on his lap and, from a pouch you hadn't noticed being thrown through the room before, fished out a small box of what seemed like ointment. It smelled like a punch to your gut, but you tried to swallow the bile rising in your throat as Atreo began smearing it all over your body.

He wasn't frugal with coating the cuts and bruises he could find, though he did hesitate at his marks. It was clear that he didn't want or intended to let them fade away, but eventually, Atreo overcame his hesitations, applying a light layer of his mermaid medicine.

Once that was done, the stench wasn't as putrid or noticeable anymore, probably shut out by your senses to endure it. Atreo grabbed the blanket again, wrapping it around you until you were warm and cozy. Using his body to make up for the broken parts of the bed, he rested you on top of him, and you yawned, the happenings nothing short of exhausting in all possible ways. The whole adventure had been exhausting, with you being in constant pain and enduring threats to your life that you didn't even wish on your worst enemy. But here you were, still alive, no inch closer to the freedom of living your normal human life.

You were done with it. Even if you tried, you didn't think you could fight it. You hated it, and it felt like you were disappointing everyone, especially yourself. But there was just so much pain and fear involved that you could no longer handle resisting. Atreo was winning. Slowly but surely, he had been breaking you, cracking your will whenever he could. When Atreo spoke next, cradling you against his chest like a child, asking, "Who do you belong to?" you replied in his favor.

"You."

"Who?"

"You, Atreo."

"Who?"

You yawned. "You. Always."

"That's right."

His hand was a mix of cold and comfort against your back, gently rubbing it and effectively lulling you into sleep. All you wanted was to fall asleep and wake up from this nightmare for real this time. Pretend like nothing happened and maybe come to your senses in a hospital after you swallowed too much seawater. Maybe it was just a coma dream after all.

And if not? You'd try. Try to get hurt less, try to endure your new life, and gain the favors of anyone who'd come to you, especially Atreo. There was no use trying to escape on your own again, and no one else would probably dare to come over for a while after what happened to the orca. But even if you could just have the chance to heal, maybe that would help you start a new fight and find your way out.

From now on, it could only get better.

There was only room for improvement in your situation. You couldn't sink any deeper than the bottom of the ocean you had already reached.

»»—————♡

You thought.

But as the curious faces of countless mermaids of all ages peered into the nest with translucent walls that Atreo called your home, you remembered your thoughts of that night bitterly.

With your belly swollen, you were due to give birth soon. Birth to the first child of the pack leader and his chosen mate. Atreo's hand cupped yours, rubbing over your abdomen housing and creating his kid. He already knew, way back when the orca tried to help you, what he had done to your body. Being extra careful now that you were carrying his spawn to term. Pup, that's the word he used for it.

Turned out it was a whole tribe event when someone was pregnant, and Atreo loved showing you off. You had to beg for privacy and clothing to cover yourself with. You got neither, and it took a long time to get used to the ogling of just as naked half-humans as you were. From morning till night, merfolk looked at you, waiting, hoping to catch a glimpse. As if it wasn't enough that the idea of their leader with a human was already perceived with scorn, they laughed at you with no shame at the size your belly grew to accommodate the monster inside or at your tiny little legs and the way you were fed by hand since Atreo wouldn't let you do anything on your own.

It would be a water birth. So much you had decided. A proper spectacle that fitted someone as eccentric as Atreo was for abandoning traditions and taking you as his mate. Everything else, from your diet to exercise, had been directed and conducted by Atreo, and you spent your whole pregnancy either in his arms or in your bed, suffering with little to no relief from modern medicine. Though, to his credit, he brought you to the surface a few times—when he felt like you deserved it—so you could swim around until you were exhausted.

There was nothing around you when you breached the water. Just... ocean. No mountains or harbors in sight. It was terrifying. You doubted the orca could have helped you—would have helped you. It was probably just a way of playing with you for his amusement. Being able to swim around for a while was almost healing after being stuck below the surface for so long. But everything else was as despairing as it could be. You always felt hundreds of eyes watching you aside from Atreo now. Waiting, curious and famished. You almost considered it lucky if this pregnancy was going to kill you in the end, but Atreo seemed to have a different opinion.

"You're going to be such a good parent," he purred, stroking your plump tummy. His eyes roamed from your belly to your breasts, just as ready and eager to have this baby as you were to get it out of you. His gaze went from affectionate to excited, and you knew he could barely wait for a taste. So far, you had denied it to him, saying it was all for the baby, and he seemed to respect that at least. Who'd know if your baby would even drink milk? This was as new for you as it was for the merfolk who were wholly underprepared for your kind of pregnancy. But Atreo was excited regardless. Nothing and no one could destroy his happiness, it seemed, not even his fellow merman and maids teasing him about his choice of mate and strange child that was soon to be welcomed into the tribe.

"And then we can finally…"

His sentence drifted off, as did his hand, below your belly and between your legs. Credit to him, he seemed to understand that the massiveness he could fill you was a bit too harsh for your pregnant body. It didn't save you from bites and arguments while your hormones were raging. But he became a little more agreeable, and perhaps that was the only perk of pregnancy and the most freedom to act and speak your mind you'd ever get in your life again. Unless you were forced into another pregnancy, that is.

Swatting his hand away, you glowered at him, reminding him with a subtle nod about the onlookers. Atreo pursed his lips and let out a long, annoyed sigh. As if he was the one suffering and not you. Idiot.

"When do you think it's time?" he asked you, back to grinning from ear to ear like the proud dad he was.

"Not sure. A week? A month?"

He sighed again, this time in longing. He was much too excited for an event you were not. And if you were honest, as much as you wanted the baby gone from inside you, you'd probably miss being treated almost decent by Atreo as long as you were pregnant. And you really could refrain from babymaking ever again if you were to survive the pregnancy. Because Atreo wanted more. He told you as much. Seven, eight. A couple dozen if your body would do it. You had no idea how long merfolk supposedly lived, but he said it as if it was the most natural thing in the world. His world. And yours now, too, sadly.

"It'll come when it comes. You can't rush these things–"

A sudden sting in your abdomen and you felt water that was certainly not the one swapping around you gushed out. You stared at the wall in horror, meeting the curious eyes of a younger mermaid. She cocked her head to the side, not understanding what was happening.

You can't rush. And you can never expect these things.

That's how your life was now. And you'd sink deeper and deeper no matter what you did. Even if you thought you had reached the bottom of the ocean, there was another hole opening up for you to slip into.

And Atreo would follow you, no matter where and how far he had to go.

All for his mate.

#Mermaids #mermaid #mermen #yandere Mermaid #yandere!mermaid #yandere mermen #yandere!mermen #yandere #yandere imagines #yandere headcanons #yandere scenarios #yandere fanfiction #yandere writing #yandere stories #yandere oneshots #yandere oneshot #yandere drabble #yandere x reader #yandere x darling #Yandere TW #OW

[hirik0]

Save with you Part 2

part 1

09Soap/Ghost Omegaverse AlphaSoap, OmegaGhost

Ghost just want to die he puked his insites out for the last 2 days and now had a very annoying fever. Dr Bloomberg explained to him that this is a mix off the new drug and the reaction of his body brutaly been forced out of heat. She also told him that he will stay here for at least a week, while he puked nearly all over her shoes he stoped feeling bad about it. He is so hungry, but with the fact that he just stoped punking nearly 3 hours ago they stay with intravenous infution to keep him alive, they told him he can eat something when hes not puking for a minium of 24 hours and then it will only be soup. The only think he to lift his mood is Price visiting him. He clearly will put a stop to Dr. Bloombergs ridiculous ideas of him getting a mate. He also hopes shes wrong about him going in heat on a regular basis, this cant happen. He will just not exept this. One heat, its a coincidence maybe stress realted he will not begin to have a cycel again. He dont need a mate, and still everytime hes thinking about this topic a sea brise and the smell of jew is hauting his nose. Honestly a improvement to the constant smell of puke that is stucked in his nose. He also so fucking tired and from time to time a headache is causing him to get nausish again. The only reason hes not throwing up again are the medication they gave him against it.

When Price finally visites Ghost, the fever is getting worse. Price looks at him with concern and a hint of pity. "Price", Ghost says whinnie he just wants to sleep the fever making his hole body feel like a oven everymuscleis hurting. "You look like shit", Price says having to fight down his Alpha instincts because Ghost is very a sick Omega at the moment and dont need or want to be babied. "Thanks I worked really hard on it", Ghost jokes rasing Price mood a bit with his shitty comment. "Dr. Bloomberg told me that your reaction to the get a mate idea being a big no. If they have to put you in a coma all the time you can't work anymore." Ghost makes a displeased face at this, it's not like he ignores his health, he just dont need a mate. "I made a list off Alphas that will help you through your heats, if they are now coming back regular. I'm so sorry Simon." hearing the truthfulness in Price voice makes this just so much worse. "Who?", Ghost presses throw his teath, half hiding his face in the pillow. "Roach, Ozone, Soap and me", Price answers and hearing about Soap making him feel a little bit better. And if he wasn't so sick this would have ticked of a alarm in his head. Still he's making a pleased pure that Price picks up on. "Dr. Bloomberg is getting a expert on how trauma is effecting heats on the base, please don't kill her." Ghost wants to answer a yes Sir, but instead he puke on Price boots. "Get better soon Simon", he just says while his Alpha instincts scream at him to take care of the sick Omega.

The expert Professor Kim Hastings, is a small Omega woman, with the most annoying personality Ghost ever meet. She's the cliche of a bubbly, happy Omega, most Alpha claim to want but could not handel. Dr. Bloomberg looks like this is even to much for her. "Professor please remember what I told you about the Lieutenant", Dr. Bloomberg says clearly picking up the annoyance of Ghost after the Professor introduced herself and her research. "Of course I'm sorry. I just get very excited to talk about my research, like al scientist", Hastings answers in a lot more toned down voice. "So, I was told a lot of 'that's classified' about your past. I was told you survived several months as a prisoner and didn't had a heat till the end of last week. This is no heat in 7 years, that's the longest time I heard of. Usally my patients come to see me after 2-3 years. Many get very unsettled with out going in heat so long, I gues Omegas that dont have problem with not having a heat also would not reach out to me." Ghost just blinks at her unimpressed he really would prefer that it wasn't necessary for her to be here. "I was also told by Dr. Bloomberg that you would prefer to not get heats again." Ghost just nods, carefully listing for judgement in her voice finding non. "It's possible that this is just a stress heat, but this depends a bit on how you felt at the beginning of the heat." "What to you mean?", Ghost ask starting to bite his lower lip. "My patients often say their heat get triggered by a person that makes them feel extremely save. Often a potential mate or their mate. But they are also not in the military so this could not be the case here. You are honestly my first Omega solider, so i dont have any data to pull from. So please tell me a bit about what the last mission in very vague terms." Ghost feels like something is try to force itself in to his consciousness, scratching, howling, tearing at the walls he built around himself as a form of protection. "Captain MacTavish and I where on a 3 month surveillance mission in Asia." "Is the Captain a Alpha?" "Yes." Ghost heart is starting to race. "You know eachother for a long time?" "5 years." Dr. Bloomberg nervously looking at how Ghost heart rate is rising, smelling how Ghost scent is filling the room. Prof. Hastings just nods to herself writing down something on her notepad. "You would say he's a good Alpha?" "I guess yes?" Ghost answers unsure not having to think about this in a long time, the Professor clearly used to Omegas not able to give a clear answer to this. He don't like this, this is reaching uncomfortable territory his Omega instincts are rising like a phoenix out of the ashes after being not part of his live for 7 years, while is heart is trying to leave his rip cage. "When did you notice first indicators of a heat aproaching?" "On the flight back to base." "Is it possible you didn't notice it before because you where focused on the mission?" "It's possible." Ghost swallos, his scent is getting more prominent with every question. "What did you feel and I dont mean heat symptoms." Reality is bulldozing over Ghost. The word SAVE flashing in bright lights and gigantic letters in his brain. He felt save, because he was with Soap. He sees Soap as a potential mate. "Save", he says in a oddly empty way.

To Professor Hastings credit she didn't showed her exitment over this. She's learned the hard way that not all her patients like this part of the trauma healing journey, most of them got their trauma from a piece of shit Alpha in the first place. "If it makes thinks a little bit better, your next heat is atleast 6 months away, so a lot of time to figure everything out." Ghost don't think this makes anything better, he don't want to figure thinks out, he wants thinks to stay the same. Rage is filling Ghost up, about the situation, the feeling of absolute lost of control over his live, his stupid body and his stupid instincts for choosing bloody MacTavish as a potential mate. Dr. Bloomberg wants to say something but the Professor stops her clearly knowing that Ghost needs to come to terms on his own. The two women are leaving the room.

"You can call me when their are complications with his recovery, also don't push him. It will just damagethe process, from now one everything is going to happen in his speed", the Professor explains with a serious look on her face. "This man is so bloody stubborn, I honestly would prefer this was just a stress heat", Dr Bloomberg sighs, knowing that Ghost will end up in medical the second his next heat is coming. "Can I meet Captain MacTavish?", Hastings asks so she can give a prognosis on parts of the recovery. "No. If you weren't the only expert in the UK you wouldn't even have seen the Lieutenant." "But my research", the Omega protests not willingto get pushedaroundby a Alpha. "Professor you just talked with the most dangerous solider on this base nothing of this will go in your research. People kill to get the tiniest information on him. Your notes will stay on this base, otherwise your in a lot of shit with the government and the taskforce", Dr Bloomberg states in a final tone that there will be no exceptions. "Are you threatening me Doctor?", the Omega ask getting a bad feeling about the situation. "No, but the higher ups only agreed to let you see the Lieutenant because they want him back in the field, they don't care about your research. But your patients care about you and need you, it's not worth it Professor Hastings. Just give me your notes." The Omega swallow at how with out any emotional the Alpha said it. It is not a threat of the doctor, its just the facts of the situation. "What if I need to come back?" "You can look at them then. To refresh you memory." "What if I have a thought about the situation if I'm not allowed to have any notes of base?" The Alpha looks at her with a stern expression. "You don't have these." " So I should just pretend I was never here?" "Yes." Professor Hastings mouth drops open, to what exactly did she agree here? "What is the Lieutenant like a James Bond or something like this?" Bloomberg laughts at this before saying: "It's close enough. But I think even James Bond would look under his bed to makes sure the Lieutenant is not under it." Hastings is laughing nervously hopeing this is just some strange military joke. "When I told you this Omega is the most dangerous solider on base I meant it", the Doctor says to make clear she was not joking. Which shacking hands the Professor give up her notes.

Ghost wants to crawl up the walls of this room over 2 weeks he's in medical now and he just wants to go. He has to much time to think, about Soap being a potential mate, about how much it hurts that Soap didn't visited him ones since Dr Bloomberg gave the green light and he don't randomly throws up any more. Archer and Ozone were good sports about it, telling him that they understand the joke are so bad you want to puke. They also talked about the plan for his heat so that all three of them agree to the same thing. Roach and Price also ask about what to do if Ghost goes into heat again, the only one missing is Soap. Theoretical one of the other could just tell him, its just logistics really, but it fucking hurts. Everyone in the taskforce came to visit just not the person he wants to see. He trys to rationalise it, Soap is a Captain so he has lot of thinks to do and it just simply dosent fit in his full schedule. A very unhelpful part of his brain reminds him that before the incident, Soap would sometimes do paperwork while visiting him in medical, so it can't be his schedule. The next thing is that Soap had to be on a mission, just because he's in a coma for 4 days and then 2 weeks sick because they gave him some new shit don't mean that Soap is not needed in the field. But Roach would ask him everytime if Soap had shown up, becoming angrier and angrier with every no. The only logical conclusion is Soap don't want to see him and this hurts. Does Soap sees him as less now because he's an Omega? Fuck, he needs to get out of here. Unknown to Ghost Roach is screaming at Soap right now about exactly why he can't just go visit Ghost for 15 minutes. "Just go and visit him, Soap. You can continue to throw your pity party after you where there", Roach screams not carrying if anybody overhears, he lost his patience seeing how it clearly hurts his best friend that Soap is not visiting. The problem screaming at Soap just activates his stubbornness. "Why, it's my fault he ended up there in the first place." "Soap just stop being a fucking wanker for 5 minutes and actully listen to what I'm telling you for 5 days now." "Fine", Soap presses throw his theet. "Ghost wants to see you. He's not blaming you, so for the love of the bloody Queen just go and viste him." Soap bits his lip the now familiar feeling of guilt replacing his stomach growing bigger. "Okey 15 minutes", he finally agrees, because he has the feeling that Roach reached the point he would drag him to Ghost hospital room if he has to. "That's all I'm asking for. And now let's go so you can't chicken out of it." Soap stands up and is taking the file he's working in with him. Ever since Price told him that Ghost is allowed visitors he's found a sudden interested in keeping the recruit files up to date.

Ghost looks up from his book and sees how Roach is pushing Soap in the room before closeing the door again. He raises his evebrow in a silent question while Saop sits down on the chair next to his bed. His insticts are telling him to pure because Soap is finally here. Not caring that's not by choice. "Eh, Roach was very convincing that i should finally show up here", Soap states a bit emberrased. Ghost just keeps his eyebrow up. Time starts to streach itselfe while they look at eachother in uncomfortable silence. Ghost us looking at Soap, Soap seem to found a very interesting spot on the floor. Soaps heart is ponding, he feels like he will throw up, not knowing what to say, where to start. His instincts roaring to finally being able to scent the Omega. "Im, sorry", Soap finally says. "For what exactly?", Ghost ask unsure, picking the skin at his finger nails. "It's my fault you're in this situation isn't it?" Ghost looks at him confused, stops the movement of his fingers for a short moment. "What do you mean?", Ghost ask for further clarification. "Your heat, I mean I must have triggerd it, it was just us for 3 months.", Soap explains his train of thought, starting to bounce his legs because of his own nerves. "Soap, from what i understand the expert said, this was actully my fault, if anyone has to be at fault." Soap looks up from the floor to finally meet Ghost eyes. "What?" "Its something with me healing from Roba, that's what triggert the heat", Ghost explains vaguely not wanting to go in to more detail. "Thats good right?", Soap ask unsure, feeling relieved but also that Ghost is hiding something from him. "Im not sure yet, but.." ,Ghost stops mid sentence clearly debating with himself if he should continue. "But?", Soap encourages, needing to know. "But Im glad it happend around you, because I know you would never do something like Roba to me anyone", Ghost finishes the sentence. Claim the thought is burning itself in Soaps brain, his instincts want to claim Ghost, make him his mate, making sure the Omega is feeling save. "Did you not viste because you thought i would blame you?", Ghost ask dreading the answer. Soap dont answers verbaly but the face hes making is telling Ghost everythink he needs to know.

#call of duty #simon ghost riley #ghostsoap #gary roach sanderson #captain mactavish #alpha soap #omega ghost #omegaverse #captian price #alpha price #alpha roach #john soap mactavish

[lucinatta]

GIRL OK I'm going to vent. If u want to read that'd be great cause I want to know if I'm in the wrong here lol. It's long tho so no need <3

Last monday was my birthday, it's a sucky day to have as a bday so what I did was invite my friends over for dinner on sunday, wait till midnight, blow the candles, eat some cake, open presents, and send everyone on their way at about 1 am so all of us could sleep relatively early. These were like, my "important" birthday plans, because they happened on my actual birthday. I invited my closest friends + 2 girls my friends have been dating for about 7/8 months, because a) I like them! and b) I knew they were spending that weekend over at my friends' places anyway so bringing them was easier than not.

Context for later: The 2 friends with the girlfriends are male, those are the only 2 partners that are external to the friend group, there's 9 of us, and we've been friends for about 10 years.

Anyway, so when I set that plan up on the gc, I explicitly asked both my friends to bring their girlfriends. They told me they would, they did, everything went great. After sunday's plan, I proposed we go out to dinner and then for drinks this saturday so I could have like proper bday plans that don't get cut short because everyone has to get up early for work. Everyone said they could come. Great, no issues so far.

Issues start yesterday, in a gc I'm NOT in that my friends made so they could discuss my present for sunday + a surprise cake (that now I know about lol) for saturday. This is not uncommon, we have bday groupchats for everyone in the group. One of my friends (girl) proposes the surprise cake, and apparently one of my male friends says that his gf can make the cake (as a gift) because she works as a baker. My friend (girl) says that it's not a good idea, since it be weird to have her make a cake for a plan she's not invited to. Apparently this caught both my male friends off guard, because they were under the impression that both their gfs were invited and had already told them about the plan. Now, to be clear, I didn't invite them and at no point did I imply they were invited. Not necessarily because I didn't want them there specifically, but rather because I wanted a night out with just my friends. These 2 girls come to a lot of our plans as a group, but when they do it's because we either tell them to, or our friends ask if they can come. NEITHER OF THESE 2 THINGS HAPPENED!! I want to clarify though, I didn't and still don't feel strongly about them not coming, and if it had been up to me, I would have liked both my friends to reach out to me and let me know that they had misunderstood, that they thought the girls were invited and that they had already invited them, and I would have told them to bring them!! like it really wasn't a big deal. Instead they got upset and told their girlfriends that they couldn't come because I DIDN'T WANT THEM THERE, which sounds sooooo much more drastic than what it actually is. So I find myself in a very shitty situation with NO WARNING (because again, this started in a gc I'M NOT IN!!!), when one of my friends sends me this really long message about how sad and hurt he is and asking me if I'm mad a him or his gf or whatever, and how he had hoped that I would think of her as my friend after all this time. To clarify she's not my friend, she's my friend's gf (that I really like!!), and "all this time" is 8 months lmao. Now these 2 girls think that I hate them, and I have to apologize for something I DIDN'T DOOOOOO. Like this wasn't my misunderstanding, I wasn't even on the gc!! and like what options do I have, realistically? Telling them to backtrack and invite them back gives major "you can come, IF YOU WANT" vibes and I hate that, and telling them that, no, they're not invited sounds like I don't like them or want them there. Like both my options suck.

Things have smoothed over now with my friends but I know they're mad about their gfs being hurt and SO AM I but like, it's not my fault!!! They (my friends) assumed they (their gfs) were invited when they weren't!! But again, it wasn't something I felt strongly about! like honest to god idk why they didn't just tell me they had invited them because they thought they were invited before stirring the pot behind my back. Now everything's a mess and things are tense because the rest of the gc sided with me. And I'm not gonna lie I'm kinda mad that they made this my problem on my bday week. Like couldn't you have waited a week to bring it up?? Anyway that's it lmao

[peanutpinet]

Life Is A Bastard? Life Is Still Going On -idol! Jaehyun x fan! fem reader

A/N: hi everyone! It's been a while since I actually write a Jeong fic, hasn't it? Yes, as much as my "love-HATE" relationship to him runs deep, he will always be the neo that I'd "eventually" go back to writing no matter what, it's part of the relationship I have :] please don't judge me :')

Summary: you've went through so much during the year but you were beyond excited that you finally saved up more than enough for the concert. At least, in your head, it sounded like the perfect scenario but reality isn't as nice, now is it? Well, maybe it actually is better

Pairing: Jung Jaehyun x Fem Reader (ft Mork and Johnny)

Warnings: angst, some curse words, your writer going through another 1/5 life crisis and in denial of liking Jeong and FLUFF

[2:19pm] - it was a disaster. Worst than a disaster. Worst than getting a bad grade in your favourite subject. Worst than being nagged by your parent every. single. day. To say that the year was a disaster was an understatement. It was chaotic. Sometimes you would even call it the year where everything can go wrong, went wrong.

Not only did you start your year in a shitty way. As days, weeks and months passed, everything that you wished, every little thread of hope that you were hanging on, all cut, all burn because of a single "unlucky", shitty night

You were holding off. Holding yourself back from going through another breakdown. You were patient. It took you a long time to save up but you did. You save up for the one opportunity of the year that you were very much looking forward to. The one thing you truly wished would go well in the year. The NCT 127 concert.

Yes, you had to go through some shitty weeks. Being nagged by your mom. Being constantly reminded that you have to find a good job. Find a boyfriend. Stop being in your room a lot. Sleep earlier. Not to mention the crap you had to put up with your boss. His unrealistic, self-centred attitude that expects you to be able to meet with all of his unrealistic, unreasonable expectations when you're practically a one-man team.

Even with all the shit you've been through, you put it all up, you take one day at a time, trying your best to remind yourself to hold up, that it'll be okay. In the meantime, you slowly saved up little by little, with whatever money you managed to earn from the small jobs you were doing, you saved up as much as you can whilst sparing some for your personal pleasure.

It all paid off though. Cause by the time SM announced NCT 127's tour dates for your country and the website to buy the tickets were opened, you and your czennie friend were frantically refreshing the page and instantly purchasing two tickets. To top it off, the two of you managed to get the front-row seats. Maybe not exactly ad the first row from the stage, but it was still in the VIP range.

You cried tears of joy that day. You and your friend were both excited and happy that the two of you finally got to experience this once-in-a-lifetime event. What's even more rewarding is that the two of you actually saved up your own money from your hard work. You didn't ask your parents or siblings for any money or funding for the ticket as a birthday present, you didn't ask anyone to help you or anything. It was solely on yourself.

But unlike that day, on the day of the concert and even now, the day after the concert, you genuinely cried of sadness, of distressed, every sad and stressful emotion you could think of, that's what you're feeling when the moment you were about to enter the concert hall, you had an emergency call from your mom and you had to leave, not knowing whether or not you could make it back for the concert.

Spoiler alert: you didn't make it back.

You were so frustrated that you couldn't even comprehend any words out of your lips, you can't even let a single tear come out of your eyes because of how shocking and unreal you felt. That moment you had to leave, you just let out a sarcastic life, questioning the world if you've done something so horrible the previous years and now you're paying for it.

Throughout the entire way home until the next day, you really had given up on the rest of the year and even the following years. Life truly was a bastard to you and you could care less what would happen next. Your family felt bad for you and decided to take you out to your favourite restaurant and treat you to whatever food you wanted. They ordered all your favourites, bringing you to have dessert and all but you really could care less. You didn't even try to look presentable and just went your day like every other day of the year.

Once lunch was over and your parents paid, you told them that you just wanted to go and sit somewhere, have a drink and all. When your brother asked if you wanted him to accompany you, you softly shook your head, telling him that you want to be left alone. So, you went to your typical cafe in the mall, ordered your go-to drink and just sit in the corner to play some games whilst listening to other artists' songs, to try and help keep your mind off.

But in the midst of your little escape, your brother was frantically texting you, asking where you were and spamming your phone that you decided to put your phone on 'do not disturb' to avoid any other little thing that would tick you off to your breaking point.

Thankfully, nothing managed to do so. Until you heard a familiar voice that you always hear whenever you were on YouTube, Instagram or even TikTok. The voice that would typically bring joy and a smile on your face soon be the one that triggered you towards your breaking point.

"Hi. A-are you (Y/N)? We, we heard it all from your brother" you heard the slightly higher pitched voice that must be Mark

You were still trying your best to keep it in. Taking a deep breath you told Mark and whichever neo was with him that you're alright and you appreciate them for coming upon your brothers' request but you dismissed them, telling them that they should go and enjoy their time in your country whilst they can.

"Thank you for coming here. Upon my brother's request but you should go. You should go explore around. I'll be fine. I promise" you replied, without looking at them and trying your best to make sure that your voice didn't crack

"We didn't just come here upon your brother's request. I mean, sure, we had to make sure if you truly were the one that the staff mentioned and luckily, your brother had the ticket information which was confirmed by our staff" the slightly deeper voice that probably belongs to Johnny replied back

Walking around where you seat, Johnny was the first to face you. It seems that he didn't care whether or not the public would notice him and Mark was sitting and talking with someone because all you could see on Johnny's face was determination whereas when Mark came around, his eyes showed signs of sympathy.

Knowing that you have no chance of fighting with the two men, you just sighed once more, your shoulders dropping at the same time the two of them sat across you whereas your brother dismissed himself, telling you to just take your time to talk it out.

"Your brother cares for you. Not gonna lie, we were genuinely surprised to see someone like him recognise us. As in, he was as frantic as 'most' fans but approach us to ask for confirmation first before he immediately told us about what happened" Mark mentioned, giving you a slight smile

"We're close. I would often tell him about my little fangirling life and he would often joke around about it. But looks like the jokes really on me now" you sighed, taking another sip from your drink

"You know, when we first heard from our staff that someone in the VIP section didn't make it, we were a bit worried. Like, genuinely worried. Doyoung and Taeyong-hyung even asked the staff if it was possible to delay the concert a bit but unfortunately we couldn't. It was so weird to perform with a visible empty spot in front of us" Mark explained

"Guess I should consider myself a bit lucky then that I was in a rather visible spot" you let out a sarcastic chuckle

"Well actually, the staff would let us know lots of things. Someone not being able to make it in the front row seat. Some of our fans actually fainting towards the back part of the arena. No matter which part you are in, we would bound to find out sooner or later" Johnny add on, his tone was firm but gentle at the same time

"We've also told our staff about it when we got confirmation. All of us agreed that we would return the money back..." Mark mentioned but you cut him off

"It really wasn't about the money. S-sure, it was depressing that I, that I saved up on my own and w-was looking forward to it but couldn't g-go" you let out, your voice started cracking

"B-but honestly, it was really more of the experience, the ambience. This was supposed, supposed to be my first ever concert that I ever attended and I was very much proud that I was able to afford it with my own money. To be able to support you guys by myself. To be able to have the chance to see you guys up close and appreciate your hard work in real life" you cried, your hands closing your vision and entire face from the two men as your breathing got heavier

"Am I, am I upset that my money was wasted? No. Not really. I'm happy to be able to actually contribute for you guys. But I can't, I can't really blame it on the situation or myself. It was just a damn unlucky coincidence. It really isn't anyone's fault at all. I'm so-sorry. I should probably go. T-thank you for coming and talking about your side of the story. Please don't let what happened to me get to you, okay? I'll, I'll just be going now. I just wished that we could've met during a better time. I'm sorry again" you uttered out, taking deep heavy breathes as you grab your things, standing up and about to leave when the member you least want to see came

"And we're sorry for what happened to you. And we also wished that you could've come to the concert and experienced it with everyone else. But I doubt that we won't think about it after what you just let out. Now, how about you take it easy on yourself, hmm? Follow my breathing and calm down, alright?" Jaehyun softly whispered, grabbing a good grasp on your shoulders, forcing you to face him and his voice actually compelling you to follow him

No, it's not that you didn't like Jaehyun that you didn't want to see him but more so the emotions that would come if Jaehyun had heard whatever you told Mark and Johnny. If you broke down in front of Mark and Johnny from that short conversation you had. You were certain that you were going to have heart attack because your heart really can't take anymore emotion.

But for some reason, the firm yet gentle grip Jaehyun had on you, his soft yet strong baritone voice surprisingly calmed you that Jaehyun managed to help you sit back in your seat as he took the seat next to you, grabbing some tissues, facing you and wiping away all the tears that stained your cheeks down to your chin. How you wished that he wouldn't do that. You didn't want anymore false hope. You were too tired with all the crap you had been through. A false hope was the last thing you want. But then again, your heart craves the warmth and gentle feeling that came out of care and quite possibly, love.

Unconsciously, you gripped Jaehyun's hand that was wiping the tears. "Please. Don't" you managed to crack out. "I, I don't think I can handle it if you keep doing this. I, I don't want to..." you uttered out, losing every form of vocabulary and grammar that you've learnt

"I want to. The two texted the group when they heard it from your brother and confirmation from our staff. Call it some dumb luck all you want but maybe life has something else in store. Life is definitely a bastard at most times. But at the same time, life keeps going on. You can cry all you want now but promise us, promise me that you'll get back up again. I believe that something better is waiting for you. Like meeting Johnny, Mark and even me" Jaehyun softly replied, holding your hand in his

"No. It's just. This entire thing just feel too much like a dream or story that I've read. I, I don't want to get attached. We all just met for crying out loud. It's, just, you guys should just go. Don't make me hold you back" you finally let out, about to pull your hand back when Jaehyun tighten the grip

"Then how do fans manage to get attached after one or two performances? If it's possible for fans to get attached like that then it's also possible for us. I assure you that this is all real and I wouldn't do this if I didn't care, we wouldn't be sitting here if we didn't care. Call it whatever you want. Some sort of luck, that life is just toying with you, fine. I'll just have to keep convincing you that life isn't always a bastard then. Just as you've done things for us, I think it's only fair that we do something about that overthinking side of yours, hmm? How about we go over it slowly? Trust me, we want to be here. You're not forcing us, okay?" Jaehyun argued, his face slowly breaking into a smile, showing his dimples as you bit your lips, showing your own dimples, giving him a nod

"Okay. Just this once Jeong. I'll let you convince me that you're not someone that I should have an internal love-hate relationship with" you joked, slowly taking in his features, your eyes soften just as his does

"You're on. I'll show you that there's more to life than thinking it's a bastard because just as some people are a bastard, there are good people that just go on with their life despite the uncertainty" Jaehyun smiled, stroking your hand with his thumb

A/N: tbh, do I have any idea what I'm writing when Jaehyun came in? Nope. Just like the moment that man came into my life, I too have no idea what is going on ahahaha. Hope that you all are well!! Stay safe and healthy! And remember, life isn't always a bastard :] xoxo Vinet

#nct #nct scenarios #nct imagines #nct angst #nct 127 #nct 127 scenarios #nct 127 imagines #nct 127 angst #nct x reader #nct 127 x reader #nct jaehyun #nct jaehyun scenarios #nct jaehyun imagines #nct 127 jaehyun #jung jaehyun #jaehyun #jaehyun scenarios #jaehyun imagines #jaehyun angst #nct jung jaehyun #jung jaehyun scenarios #jung jaehyun imagines #jung jaehyun angst #jeong yoonoh #jeong jaehyun #johnny suh #nct johnny suh #mark lee #nct mark #nct 127 johnny

[statementlou]

I'm not gonna lie, Louis referring to his queer fans or the fact the he has them as "weird" would be pretty disheartening. one thing was to do that in 2014 around the great gay war, with so many indicators that they were actively fighting. another is to do this now, in 2023. and even a straight artist not for one second to consider his lyrics could resonate with queer fans regardless of larry would be a bit shitty. I'm just saying that whatever he says is gonna be VERY hard to believe he was forced to. And if he openly shits on Harry it's safe to say his career - as the chance of 1D ever reunite even for a quick photo - is over.

well I absolutely agree that he will not have been 'forced' to say anything that he says in this movie. And I hear where you are coming from, but I just think the catastrophizing is unnecessary. First of all, we have ONE (1) almost certainly made up and definitely purposefully shit stirring anon (and a slow news day) to thank for all this discourse, we have no idea yet what will be in the movie, and it is always weird to me that people are so ready to believe the worst when I, personally, feel like Louis always comes through for me and gives me the BEST. Have FAITH in LOUIS!! WHEN does he let us down like literally WHEN???? (Unless all you care about is him coming out/ ending it/ confirming larry, in which case, IDK, get your priorities right and appreciate what's in front of you? Cause those things are not happening.) But anyway...

I can completely imagine a scenario in which Louis says he thinks it's weird that so many queers feel inspired by him and it makes me want to hug him forever- because I think he does find it weird and remarkable. It makes me think of that one 1D days receipt where someone said they met him on the street and told him he inspired them as a gay and he was like "I don't see how with the way things are but that means a lot." I think that was probably made up, but also it rings true to me, I feel like he does find it wild that with the public face of everything we still are here and love him so much and see what we do in him and think he's brave. As for the Harry thing, anything he says about him will be taken wrong and distorted and picked on by everyone, if he says anything at all less than "he's my husband and has never done anything wrong in his entire life he is perfect" people will say he's "shitting on Harry"; but that said, Louis is an intelligent media trained person, why are people seriously debating whether he's gonna get on screen and talk shit about Harry Styles?! also literally when in Louis' entire life has he ever said one single bad thing about Harry come on It's not fucking realistic and that alone should tell you that that anon either made all that up or it's just a really bad interpretation of whatever was actually said because the person, like everyone else around here, was so busy expecting the worst that they couldn't just chill and listen to Louis. Like, worst case scenario, let's say he does say that Harry was being offered some really incredible opportunities and he wanted to take them and Louis hadn't really thought about what he would do after the band and so when that happened he felt blindsided and adrift by suddenly not having his ever waking moment scheduled and accounted for (as Liam has also talked about experiencing), would that be so horrible??? That sounds like real life stuff and I don't personally think anyone is the bad guy there or it's horrible to say, but also I BET HE DOESN'T SAY THAT. IDK man, I just think we should all calm down and wait and see, but I'm REALLY not worried that the bombshell of this movie will be Louis coming out as being against Harry or talking shit about his fans, you know?! Come ON. I expect that with the premieres before the release we're going to get a whole lot more overwrought interpretations of things but I don't buy it; I look forward to hearing what Louis has to say and I will be real surprised if it isn't reasonable and interesting and probably mostly NOT THAT BIG A DEAL

#louis has adhd however taxing it may have been I feel like having people figure out everything for him and just tell him where to be #was probably kind of great for him #and transitioning to having to figure everything out from scratch all alone was probably hard as hell even without #everything else that was going on #let him talk about it without making it about the others #blah blah blah

[saintetheldreda]

makes me kind of sad when i see people romanticising season 1 dean and being nostalgic for him and missing that version of him honestly cause i hate the idea that survival is not the most beautiful thing in the world

like. i adore season 1 dean dont get me wrong and yes the playfulness and jokiness and innocence is charming but like. season 1 dean is cute but later season dean is STILL HERE despite everything how could anyone not find that infinitely more breathtaking. it's a kind of beauty that makes everything pale in comparison it's like comparing the picture you tried to take on your phone of the moon from a few weeks ago when it was bright and full and pretty to looking up into the sky and seeing a sliver of the real thing nothing can compare its the difference between a shitty pixelated dot in the sky and something that makes you want to cry and hope and believe in things i love angry and tired and messy and honest

im very much not trying to gatekeep here simping for season 1 dean is so ok i for one am simping for dean in all seasons HAHA but dean was beautiful in season 1 because he was being so fully himself all the time even when it was weirding everyone else the fuck out and he's still being honest and true in every season even when being himself looks like something a little different so i dont think he gets less beautiful at any point actually. believe me i have raged at him and cursed and wailed at my computer screen as much as the next person he is so frustrating and such an asshole sometimes but when the storm has passed and i think about it i can always really see where he was coming from his feelings are so sincere and i think that's so beautiful

also later season dean is still so fucking cute like honestly i think every part of his "original" identity that he hangs onto comes to mean so so much more even if there is less of it in quantity he STILL cares a stupid amount about his car his one-liners are STILL garbage and forced sometimes this man has been to (spoilers) and he still cares about these things thats so much more fucking adorable he STILL loves his brother even if he cant do it in the same naive way he once did the love is still there only now its more difficult thats so amazing and brave later season dean is an amazing brother i will not hear of how insufferably toxic he is just because love is hard work now hard work is beautiful hard work is so beautiful. still pie still rock music aliases still slipping the tiniest parts of who he is into everything he does, however much he can risk. this show was so so correct about losing everything you have and then holding onto whatever comes back within an inch of your life and loving it with all your heart that was so correct im hanging onto all of dean that came back with him from (spoilers) and i am so sick of innocence idk about you guys but im in love with that kind of beauty. down with puppy dog sensitive dean damaged shuffling walking dead monster dean supremacy plsssss he's everythinggggg

#supernatural #honestly i dont think anyone is going to read this post HAHA #this one was for me some posts are just for me and my insane little brain SORRY

[skellagirl]

Eyyy can I get your opinion? I’m trying to rewrite V Man where his main motivator ISNT being a creepy weirdo about milfs. But I don’t know how to make the lab accident his big vengeance thing when 1) he uses his powers to get what he wants and 2) it literally could be resolved by them talking like adults.

I'm not really very good at this kinda thing lol but uh! I think the biggest thing to keep in mind is that people aren't always rational! People are irrational and stupid a lot and we use our pain and trauma to justify our irrationality a lot too! We are creatures motivated by emotions, by our hearts, and sometimes 'talking like adults' is waaayyyy fucking harder than giving into the louder, stronger, and more influential part of ourselves that screams 'instead of that, maybe..... lash out? isolate self from the world? ghost everyone (pun unintended but appreciated)?'

like! speaking from my own experience, it's way easier for me to attempt to ignore any problems in my relationships rather than communicate maturely, even if attempting to ignore those problems just makes me resentful and bitter and angry

'talking like an adult' requires being honest, vulnerable, often means swallowing our pride, and sometimes means apologizing, and that's really really hard!!!! I fucking HATE swallowing my pride lol

but to stay on topic, those are also all things Vlad in particular is super duper shitty at

As far as shifting Vlad's motivation, I feel like it's still important to hold onto that feeling of being wronged in some way? I think because, like, being put through some pretty tremendous pain because of someone's (your best friend's) carelessness, and then they abandoned you afterwards, and they never apologized or even acknowledged they did anything wrong -- is soooo rich in potential imo, and a deep well to pull anger and resentment, both rational and irrational, from. And it runs so close to Vlad's canon motivations that it's not a jarringly huge jump that feels like it misses the entire point of his character (stares disdainfully at season 3 Vlad)

What does he want now? Does he want the Fentons to apologize? Does he want to kill them? Does he hate them? Does he want their acknowledgement and affection, does he miss them? Or does he not give two shits about them and really just wants to torture them and selfishly take everything they have in an attempt to cause them as much pain as they caused him? Is it some complex combination of all of the above? Talking like adults could solve everything, but that can't be what Vlad wants, because 1) he's a selfish bitchboy who'd rather walk over broken glass than be frank and vulnerable with his feelings and 2) then there's no conflict. So what does he want?

Also as far as him being able to 'use his powers to get what he wants', I'm honestly not sure why that's a problem lol. Are you concerned about the morality of him using his powers to get what he wants? He's a selfish bitchboy, let him be a selfish bitchboy. Or maybe concerned that being able to easily solve problems with his powers means there's less potential conflict? But that's obviously not the case even in canon, his power (and his wealth and his regular-person power and status as well) do very little to bring him any happiness -- one of Vlad's core flaws is that he attempts to fill The Empty Void in his life with wealth and power rather than genuine human connection, and having superpowers only makes that flaw worse.

or are you talking about him enjoying his powers even tho they came from the accident? Because if so why not lean into that paradox? Again, throw rationality out the window here lol, Vlad can definitely enjoy having and using his powers while also being incredibly resentful of their origin. Paradoxical/conflicting beliefs aren't unusual!

I'm probably missing something but I'm unsure what your specific hold-up is with regards to this point!

Sorry again that I'm not great at this sort of thing :,) I'm just not a super articulate person when it comes to untangling and describing my own thoughts. Hopefully I made sense and it was helpful at all!

Also I've turned into a super annoying simp for this fic lmao but @moipale's fic Like Pulling Teeth is a fucking INCREDIBLE example of shifting Vlad's motivation and I'd highly highly rec reading it if you want/need inspiration (plus it's just beautifully written, and maybe the most achingly yearning fic you'll read in a long while)!!!

#danny phantom #skella answers #anon

[gaybaby2424]

PART 3

When daddy open my diaper the sexy guy squared in front of me and started shitting right in the front of my diapers and after the guy finished pooping daddy said here the baby will lick you clean and daddies took my paci out and all I could do was drool and then daddy ordered me to lick his ass clean and then said to everyone else that if you need to poop come in line and everyone started getting in line to poop in the babies diapers and there were so many people in line and daddy started to tell the next person to come up and begin pooping there and after every single person I was made to lick there ass clean and this is went on for 2 hours at the end of it my diaper was so badly filled with shit and then all 3 daddies put my diapers back on and I could feel everyone’s shit in my diapers and it honestly felt so good without thinking I started saying goo goo gaa gaa poppie and tried so hard to hump and that’s when daddy said oh you bad baby he picked me up and held me up and said thank you everyone for giving my precious baby boy your poop he loves it so much the daddy had got out some plastic pant to put on me so I don’t leak on everything and locked them on me and said pee yew this baby boy reeks like shit and piss and all I could do was look at him and then daddy left for a minute when he came back he had another pill with him and didn’t tell me what it was for so I took it and 20 minutes later I am starting to get way too horny and daddy said yay baby is so horny cause of the pill and it lasts 24 hour baby I was trying so hard to grind my diapers but as I tried to I fell over on my face with my shitty diaper in front of everyone and my daddies laughed then helped me up and the took me to the adult baby jumper and put me in there as he sat me down I could feel everyone shit going everywhere and I tried to not enjoy it but the pill daddy gave me made me so horny and all I could do was bounce in a shit filled diaper and then I felt my face get heavy and relized my face was numb and I couldn’t stop drooling so daddy put my paci back in and threatened me privately that In a little bit I am going to be a very good obedient baby and suck every single man In here but first I’m gonna give you some more hypno tapes while you bouncy it was 2 hours later that daddy took me out of the jumper and took the hypno earphones out and tied and put me back in the stroller but my head was the wrong way right when they buckled me in they took my paci out again and told everyone who is a guy to get in line and my baby boy will gladly suck everyone’s cock here and I am allowing each guy to take pictures degrade him and do anything to him so the first guy came up and asked why my face looked weird even tho I hadn’t noticed but my eyes were glazed and my mouth was open wide waiting for him I was completely helpless and humiliated as man after man continued to throat fuck me and either cum in my throat or on my face and after I pleased every man daddy picked me up and carried me to a small room where daddy said no one can here you and told me that a hot guy rented you for 1 hour and as I was still tied up in the middle of the room a sexy man comes in and sits right in front of me and said hi baby I am your daddy for 1 hour and said he loves my silky hair and then started fondling my head and telling me that I must love this so much and then he started taking all of his clothes of and laid me down on the floor and the daddy come over and layed right next to me and started rubbing his hand all over my naked smooth body and the daddy started kissing my face licking me spitting on me the said awwww does baby love being abused so then daddy got up reached in my diaper took some of the shit out and put it in a puppy bowl and told me since I am a nasty faggot who wants to be a baby forever you are going to obey me then said is puppy hungry and told me to start eating daddies shit like a good boy and daddy helped me to the bowl and as soon as I started eating daddies poop he started laughing and calling be a nasty diaper faggot

[idfkwhatumdoing]

Braces

Yang Jeongin x Fem!reader

A/N: Hello beautiful human being😻 this is my first time writing smut so plz be nice. I don’t know how to format… like at all so I hope you don’t mind this awkward introduction please give me tips on how I can make my creations more enjoyable.🥲 I hope you enjoy 😉 MDI PLEASE 🙏

Genre: smut

Yang jeongin. The school playboy of course…but he had braces? Your just transferred 1 week ago and you’ve heard quite a lot about him and we’ll he personally has done some shitty things to you. On your second say he was dared to pour milk on your head. And which he did not expecting you to react much. Oh and well you did of course. You got up and smacked him hard before going to wash up. Your “friends” told you how dumb you were for it but you couldn’t care less. Your not gonna let the schools most popular lowlife control you just because your new. That’s not very y/n like.

You walk into first period and lay your head down on your desk for some very much needed rest. You joined in the middle of the year so you got just as much homework as everyone else. Drifting off, suddenly two large hands slam down right next to your head.

Oh god

Not bothering to look at him you say

“What do You want Jeongin.”

He laughs and you wonder why someone so annoying could have the cutest laugh ever. Thank Hof your face is still covered because you caught yourself smiling to the sound of it.

“So grumpy so early in the morning, are you always like this?” He asks

You slowly shift your head up, keeping your posture down. You look at his eyes….down to his lips….and put your head back down in your arms to go back to sleep hoping he’ll catch your drift and go away. To your surprise he does.

30 minutes into the class someone throws a paper ball at you. Slowly again you lift your head up and pick is up.

“You going to the party this weekend?” It says, and you look around to see who threw it your eyes connecting to the one and only Yang Jeongin. You stare at each other for what feels like ages in his head. You look down to see his leg bouncing up and down. You bring your eyes back up to see him biting his lip. Braces. You look into his eyes and there almost pleading, begging for you to say yes. You simply shrug and turn your body around to focus on whatever nonsense your teacher is talking about.

“Oh my god you have to go!” Han says a little to excited about it. Han know everything about everyone. He also so happens to be one of the first people you met here.

“Literally come on we’re all going.” Felix says. He’s also someone you met and just kinda clicked with.

“Guys I don’t know, I’ve only been here a wee-

“That’s it though! If you go to this party your social status will go through the roof!” Han cuts you off.

“Come on y/n pleaseeeee” Felix begs you with puppy eyes.

You huff in defeat.

“Fine but stop looking at me like that you guys look stupid. And you two are taking me shopping.” They giggle and agree.

It’s now Thursday and you Felix and Han all meet up at the mall to shop for an outfit. But first you stop at the food court to eat.

“Dude I think he totally likes you.” Felix says

“Or he’s just trying to get into her pants just like how he does with every other girl.” Han says

“But have you seen the way he’s been looking at her? He’s been goo goo gagaing all over her since she came.”

“Ok one, why would he even like me in the first place, and two ew.” You say almost gagging. But it’s true why would he like you if all you do is just challenge his ego?

“Because it’s Yang Jeongin and he loves being challenged. You interest him y/n.” Han says

“But I’m not gonna let him get on you unless you want it too.” He says winking. You practically throw up your food.

“Stop stop that’s disgusting why would I ever-“

“WAITTTT Y/N ARE YOU A VIRGIN CAUSE.” Felix is cut off by his (and hans) laughter. You feel your cheeks burn up…and not because Felix isn’t right. Felix is most definitely wrong but the topic is quite…unsettling.

“What? No of course n-“ you were cut off again by a rather familiar voice.

“Aww new girls a virgin?” Jeongin says in a teasy voice.

“Speak of the devil and he shall appear.” You mumble and roll your eyes as you turn around to face the menace only to see that it’s not just him, but his whole ass fine ass friend group. You look at all of them and turn back around with a groan but is harshly pulled back around. And now your face to face with Jeongin. His arms Rest at the sides of the chair his face centimeters form yours. You looks him dead in his eyes and slowly tilt your head in a rather seductive way. If he was trying to get into your pants you were going to be the one in control.

“Is this so sweetheart? That you’re a cute little virgin?” He says looking at your lips his hand goes up to your jaw squeezing it slightly.

“Cause if that’s true I’d gladl-“ you cut him off by grabbing the hand that’s on your chin and move it down to your neck lightly squeezing it under his.

“Don’t underestimate me Yang Jeongin.” You say only loud enough for him to hear and pull away. Seeing his wide eyes, and rosey cheeks was a sign for you to go.

“Let’s go boys.” You say getting up. He’s dumbfounded. Ahis friends laughing in the back gave you more confidence.

“See you at the party then.” You say walking past him with a smirk and a wink. Giving a little wave at his friends and his eyes following you until he’s out of your sight.

“Y/n your so hot what.” Felix says causing you to giggle.

“For real like damn that was so cool. No one ever tries to talk to him like that.” Han says

“Ive Never Seen him that flustered.”

“Still think I’m a virgin? You asking pushing open the door to the first store.

“Nope”

Its now Friday afternoon and your getting ready on FaceTime with Felix and Han. All day you felt Jeongin and his(hot) friends staring at you sometimes even whispering.

“Ok guys you ready?” You say to the friends in which they agree.

“Ok ok.” You say and get into the camera.

“Oh my fucking god y/n” Han says

“Holy shit if Jeongin doesn’t take you I fucking will.” Felix says in which you giggle. Your wearing a cut out top with flare sleeves, a very tight mini skirt and matching flare leg warmers with platforms.

“I don’t know I feel like it’s too much.” You say looking at your reflection.

“NO!” They both yell

“It’s perfect.” Han says with a lopsided smile.

“My turn.” Felix says and his body comes into camera. And we’ll god damn. He’s wearing a maybe-way-to-low tank top, a leather vest, black pants, platforms, and a choker.

“LAWWD” you yell falling back on your bed and coming back up. Causing both of them to laugh.

“Dude Felix what your too fine.” You say.

“Naurrr stop it.” He says as he shys away.

“Hey hey what about me?” Han says and his body now shows up on screen revealing his outfit. He’s wearing a white crop top with a harness going up one arm and hugging his tiny waist ripped skinny jeans and platforms. Your jaw drops and you could’ve sworn you started drooling. Why the fuck are you best friends so hot? At this point you’d rather be with them rather then Jeongin. Your thoughts are cut off by the ‘Felix took a FaceTime photo4’ notification that’s pops up on your screen.

“HEY HEY WAIT DELETE THAT.” You yell and there both laughing hard. In which you laugh too.

“Hi guys” you say as you open your front door.

“Let’s goooo” Han says pulling you out and taking you to the car.

You arrive at the party and immediately smell weed and alcohol. Music blasting through the house, people dancing and laughing all over the place. It’s been a while since you partied and your glad you came back to it so quickly. They drag you to the bar and immediately buy shots. Taking it down without any thought or reaction. You three buy 2 more just to get loose.

“Oh god is this what we’re gonna do all night? Because I don’t mind at all.” You say leaning your back against the bar and watching the people dance on each other, drink in hand.

“No of course not.” Han says pulling out a 2 weed pens.

“We’re not just getting drunk.” He says handing you one and hitting it.

“We’re getting laid. Weather it’s from someone here or each other.” Felix says taking the pen and hitting it. You giggle and take there hands.

“Next rounds on me yeah?” You say trying to get the bartenders attention.

“That wouldn’t be very gentleman like now would it?” A voice says behind you. You turn around to see three of Jeongins friends and damn.

“Let me yeah?” The one in the middle says as he scoots besides you and hands his credit card to the bartender. You stare at him with doe eyes as your friends order there drinks. You notice all his very handsome features and come to conclusion that he was literally created by the gods themselves.

“I’m guessing your Chan?” You say as you grab your drink and look back up at him. He giggles his dimples showing as he does.

“Yes, how did you know?” In which you reply in leaning to look at Han behind his shoulder. Chan turns his head to look at him but Han is getting up out of his seat with his drink in hand.

“Thanks for the drink take care of her.” He says walking away with felix. Now your alone with the Chan and the three of his friends who are now towering over you as your still sitting down.

“Well yes I’m Chan, this is Minho and Changbin.” He introduces them.

“After that little stunt you pulled on our maknae you really…sparked our interest.” Changbin says resting his arms down next to you.

“You really are something else…” the one named leeknow says causing you to giggle.

“Youngest yeah? Well I wouldn’t say I’m easy.” You say staring directly in Chans eyes. He huffs out the most attractive laugh ever and you shamelessly watch as his adams Apple bounces as he does.

“Wahhh I’m shocked never would have thought he’d go for someone as sexy as you.” Changbin says scooting a little closer to you.

“Ah yes it’d be a shame if I went for someone else..” you say bring your face closer to his. His eyes are on your lips as his breathing picks up. You giggle and pull away sipping your drink innocently as if nothing happened. Leeknow and Chan steal a glance at eachother smirking as Changbin regains himself.

“Y/n why don’t you come outside and have a smoke with the rest of our crew?” Chan offers in which you reply a little to eagerly and hop off the bar chair. Chan leads the way while leeknow and Changbin Are at each of your sides leeknows hands around your waist. Chan leads you outside and your eyes meet Felix, Han, Jeongin and another dude you don’t recognize. Your eyes meet Jeongins and you wink at him just to tease him.

“Oh! Y/n this is seungmin!” Felix’s says pointing at the boy in which he eyes you up and down and smirks.

“Come come sit.” Han says pointing at the empty

seat next to Jeongin. You sit down next to him and Changbin sits to the other side of you. Lighting a blunt and passing it around as you guys talk about random stuff like how they met and how did you transfer. You actually got to know all of them. You didn’t even notice changbins hand and your thigh. To intoxicated and to busy laughing to notice. But Jeongin certainly did. He noticed right away.

“Guys how about play a game?” He says you all agree and end up playing truth or dare. Touché

“Han truth or dare?” Chan asks

“Dare”

“I dare you to kiss the hottest person here.” Chan says with a laugh. He looks at Minho then you and smirks.

“Male or female?” He asks causing all of you to laugh.

“Sorry y/n but I don’t want to take you form Jeongin.” He says with a wink and heads over to Minho and kissing him quite heatedly. They break the kiss and Han stumbles back to his seat causing everyone to laugh.

“O-ok y-y/n truth or dare.”

“Truth.”

“Borrringggg” Felix says slurred.

“What’s your sexual fantasy?” Han asks and you laugh.

“Just one?” And he nods everyone focuses on you.

“Hmm well I’m poly.. soooo probably just threesomes, foursomes?” You shrug and everyone’s eyes go wide.

“Wait Wait Dom sub or switch?” Leeknow asks fairly interested.

“You’ll have to find out.” You say with a wink. Jeongin scoffs rolling his eyes as he beams at Minho. Not to mention your practically sitting in Changbins lap now. All of you guys are now high out of your minds and tipsy

[alostlittleriverlotus]

I think one thing that frustrates me about my witchcraft and especially when I was first learning was the "you have to tell your intentions!" No no, not have intentions clear, people would say you had to VERBALLY say them. 1: what about physically mute witches that literally don't have an option to speak? But 2: I go nonverbal sometimes especially more often now that I'm unmasking. Most of my practice is done silently with only really music or natural sounds like rain. I always would try to speak and it felt so gross and wrong and made me uncomfortable.

I dunno how much that spreads around, but I remember seeing witches (specifically on TikTok, of course) that would say you would have to VERBALLY SPEAK your intentions for them to be known. Not only does that ignore people that can't flat out speak or those that communicate with nonverbal communication (aka if deaf or hard of hearing folks used sign language), but it also ignores nonverbal people and such. Like yes, I can speak. I'm not hard of hearing, there's nothing physically stopping me, but I'm autistic and I go nonverbal especially a lot more lately since I'm unmasking and unlearning. I've learned to communicate more nonverbally and even have picked up a bit of ASL for very simple communication (like thank you, I love you for example.) It just rubs me the wrong way, but witchtok is especially filled with misinformation, classism, ignoring disabled voices, and ESPECIALLY ignoring BIPOC voices!

I've mostly stayed on good sides of witchtok with people that educate about appropriation, misinformation, and include cheaper ways to practice and actually give great advice, but I've come across a few that, whether I knew it at the time or not, gave really shitty advice. It's just a small thing I encountered that I'm now realizing really affected my practice when I was really finding myself (my first year or two of practice.) And oh my god the "love and light." I thought "oh people say that. Maybe I'll try." I said it once and felt sick to my stomach and was like "nope, nope, never again. Who am I to judge?" Like good for you if that's your thing, but like, it was so difficult to find MY practice at first. And that really affected my self esteem since I have a big problem with "guilting" myself if I'm not doing it right and since there wasn't any really good guidance and I am shite with researching and cry after seeing two articles cause google sucks, it was really difficult. And it made me practice less cause I'd get worn out and go back to being my ADHD/autistic self that goes "nah I don't wanna do that."

Also of course I focus my intentions in my mind. I do deep breathing to help me focus and it's all I think about. I even bring up specific memories and emotions to fuel my intentions. But saying them aloud just doesn't feel right especially when I have to force myself to say it. I paint, I DO with the intention in ME. I don't need to verbally say it.

Anyway, I'm making a protection/good vibes painting for my bestie. It's really pretty so far and I even accidentally started painting an evil eye thing on accident (this: 🧿) just because I felt drawn to the blues and making an eyeball. I use a lot of eyes in my paintings (it's a show of emotion/trauma for me) so I didn't think much until I thought about it in depth. I even added in some sage for protection and good vibes. It looks really nice and adds texture. It was all I could get my hands on since I sneak herbs and spices from my mother and she's super christian so uh- can't know. But still. I already feel so happy looking at it. I know they will too. Plus I'm using warmer tones cause my bestie prefers them, his favorite color is red! I'm a cool tones person, partly due to sensory issues, but still. I'm just adding in things that remind me of them. I love it so much :) I know he will too!

#disabled #disabled witch #nonverbal #rant on witchtok #witchtok #witchcraft #practicing witch #my practice #actually disabled #actually autistic #actually traumatized #protection spell #minor rant #nothing too negative #finding my way at the start of my practice #spell casting #spells #good vibes #protection and good vibes #love for my bestie #painting #painting witch #art spell work #disabled bean #witchy bean #semiverbal #unmasking #learning about myself

[sexualrevoluti0n]

Long personal vent. Feel free to scroll past.

I was doing really well with self-care and getting my sleep schedule back on track for a week until my partner said he wasn't coming home and I need to find somewhere else to live. Now no matter how early I go to bed, how much I tire myself out, how much herbal tea or calming music and reading I do to help me relax, the second there's nothing going on to distract my brain I just break down in tears or start anxiously planning and looking for solutions to where I could possibly live.

It doesn't matter how exhausted I am, my brain won't let me sleep because I'm worrying so much about being homeless, and grieving a relationship that I don't even know what the status of it is anymore because he doesn't want to communicate about anything, and seems to be reading things I say in a totally different tone in his head to what I'm intending. All I know is that I've got two months to find somewhere new to live, that:

1) accepts people whose only income is benefits WITHOUT a guarantor (lol not likely)

2) isn't more than £500pcm because that's all UC will pay towards housing (ha. Ha ha ha ha ha)

3) is unfurnished

4) is still in this city so I don't lose access to social worker, mental health help, direct payments etc.

I'm also going to need to find at least a grand to pay packers and movers because I can't do that myself, on top of a deposit and at least a month's rent up front. So that's my entire life savings.

And I'm going to need to sell or give away almost everything I own in order to fit into any tiny shitty bedsit universal credit will cover (not that I've even found a single thing yet).

I've been spending 3-4 hours every day just looking for somewhere to live, and there is literally nowhere that meets the criteria, so I'm either going to end up in one of the crisis homeless shelters or couch-surfing. Maybe selling all the furniture would give me enough cash to pay a few months rent upfront instead of having a guarantor, so somewhere might take me on even with only benefits as income?

I don't have the spoons to work out how to sell all of my furniture and belongings, as well as looking for a new place, dealing with my current pain flare-up that's causing my vision to go grey and me to fall over, and trying to tiptoe around my partner's feelings to work out what he wants from this relationship now he's said he wants to live separately. I have time limits on some new expensive items which I could return, but until we've actually been able to have a conversation and make a plan I can't sort those things.

I'm just so anxious and grieving the relationship with the one person who promised he would be here through thick and thin, no matter what, that being in a relationship meant we were in this together and would support each other to find a way through whatever life threw at us.

And now I'm wondering if that was all a lie? It was only a few weeks ago we were talking about all the things we could do to help each other and get through this tough patch since my flashbacks got super frequent after all the parental contact. We talked about couples counselling and I wanted to do that, but then it never got brought up again. I really want to put in the work and become healthier together, and being ignored feels like he doesn't want to do that anymore, but I don't know if I'm reading that wrong because he doesn't want to talk about any of the heavy stuff atm.

I'm just really scared and lost and being ignored and not being told what's happening was one of the problems in our relationship, and something that massively triggers my RSD, and that's the thing he's doing now to get space from the issues.

I only got to sleep last night because I finally gave in and made myself a very strong drink. Don't want to have to resort to that but I need to be able to sleep. It's been 4 hours so far tonight and I'm way more awake than when I came to bed. I listened to meditations, read until I couldn't keep my eyes open, put on gentle music, but the second I stopped my brain was awake again. It's nearly half 1 in the morning and I have to travel to the osteopath in the morning so I need to have slept. Going to go and pour myself another stiff drink so I can hopefully sleep tonight. Maybe in the morning I can ask the GP for an appointment to see about sleeping tablets.

#personal #Vent #anxiety #sleep #relationships #communication #maybe becoming homeless #I've got two months to get out #rsd #grief #alcohol #booze #nightcap #mental health

[justagrin]

idk we chilled 1-on-1 for the first time in a while and i was like “hey so. u told me not to hyperfocus on what i did but surprise that did not stop me from hyperfocusing on it lol” so he said that it seemed like I was just always wanting his attention 

which. doesn’t really make sense still, given that sunday he invited ME overm monday was a group thing, tuesday was nothing, wednesday was my date with L which I DID message him after to see if he wanted to grab food w me ‘cause he’s my friend and I wanted to gush about how cute L was but ended up just going by myself anyway, thursday was 1-on-1 in the bar for like an hour, friday was once again a group thing and then saturday he broke it off. And I was maybe messaging him once or twice a day to check up on him because he seemed super stressed out. Maybe there was stuff the week before but I can’t remember how much we hung out that week. I asked “hey are we okay?” TWICE.

anyway i did explain yes, my mental health started going downhill and I was MAYBE trying to hang on to the things/people, of which he was one, that make me feel human. And that I did catch onto the fact that he was probably about to break it off and that may have made me a bit more intense but I still. Don’t really know what I could have done externally. and then I said he could have brought it up when he noticed it and I could have fixed it earlier and he at least admitted that could have worked, which, okay, I guess that’s all I’m gonna get out of him. No hard feelings.

Except then I dreamt that I was yelling at him about the stuff I AM very much still upset about because now that I know I didn’t ACTUALLY do anything except want to hang out with someone who was important to me and made me feel safe and made my brain quieter. And maybe ask for support/reassurance a few times. Which after months and months of being Cool and Independent I thought might be ok.

And he hasn’t. even done anything wrong except be shitty at communicating but ugh. I hate the fact that he’s gonna just go about being like “ah yes Casper having emotions was the SOLE problem, not the fact that I can’t ever offer emotional support or availability unless the person is being as unemotional as possible”. He’s never gonna apologise for not talking it through when there was an issue. He’s never gonna apologise for making ME be the one to initiate that conversation. He’s probably gonna talk about me the same terrible way he talks about his ex.

He’s just gonna whine about how no one else ever apologises to him. 

[another-emotional-wreck]

okok so this might be tmi BUT (huge rant incoming I just need to get this out)

i had a doctor's appointment today. it was just a checkup but I figured it would be a decent time to talk to the doctor about how I've been doing research on autism and that I might be on the spectrum. a horrific mistake I'll never make again

I mentioned it and she asked me what traits I thought I exhibited. i honestly should have expected the question but I didn't and I fucked up my explanation making it sound like I was a teenager who read a Twitter post and ran with it as opposed to someone who's spent DAYS researching and checking and rechecking and questioning

but okay thats fine. anyways the doctor told me that she had an autistic son not too far from my age. she said that in comparison to him I really didn't strike her as autistic and she kindly reminded me to maybe stay off the internet as I could very well be internalizing traits that I look into, especially when I mentioned I've always had a interest in developmental disorders and mental illnesses in general.

I dont really know how I feel lol. i mean the doctor practically said what I've been thinking for months as far as me internalizing traits (and as I often tell myself "overreacting, faking it, or being dramatic"). I just wish I could have explained myself better?? and this isn't me bashing the doctor at all. she's a professional who was simply giving her opinion, but FUCK it kinda hurt lmao. I mean its not that i have a problem with being wrong per se, its just that when I first started researching autism everything just kinda Clicked and I felt so understood and relieved and so to have it all shut down so quickly sucks ass. I mean she really was nice and even gave me several places in my area where I could get assessments but it doesn't even feel worth it anymore.

it doesn't help that when I was really young (baby/toddler) I met all of my developmental milestones (as far as my dad says). obviously that's not a bad thing but that takes away so much evidence I could have had to help prove this. most of my traits didn't even start to surface until I was a little older which like..... idk if im going about this the wrong way but ughh.

I admit I'm kinda whining at this point, but honestly my pride is hurt and I'm doubting months of research after one instance of being told "ehhh maybe not". idk I'm just really frustrated and hurt and I think I wanna continue researching but I'm not sure.

one thing that really did bother me was when the doctor said "and even if you are autistic, what does it matter?" I'm sure she didn't mean anything by this but goddamn lol. it matters to me. I don't don't care about possibly getting accommodations I just wanna understand why the fuck I'm like this.

idk I could definitely say more about this but om tired and hungry and still have to be at school so 🥲

#idk i just feel really pathetic and lost right now #and i almost wish my traits were more noticeable so people fucking believed me #but even then i feel shitty cause 1. i could still very much be wrong and 2. people struggle way more than i do #i mean I've made it this long so i could keep going like this but i really dont want to #anyways #to whoever actually read this shit thank you so much and i love you (/p) cause you really didnt have to concern yourself with my bullshit #lee rants