#but i too. am deeply competitive and need other people to know how good i am lol

[crunchycrystals]

having so much fun reading renegades

#crunchyposts #books #reading commentary #ive spent the past few weeks just reading ebooks and i got it physically from the library and its so good to just hold it #i love both formats but the mix of it is so chefs kiss #but yeah having a lot of fun reading it i like the premise nova is deeply relatable to me AND shes also half seasian absolute win for me #but i too. am deeply competitive and need other people to know how good i am lol #i started like maybe one or two days ago im already like 250 pages in im so into it

[cosmichighpriestess]

I feel like a ghost sometimes. Invisible, uninvited, unknown, shunned, overlooked, misunderstood deeply, not real, a myth. I frighten the living with my presence unintentionally. They demonized me because I am the truth. People who are afraid of the truth, are afraid of their own fears and run away from me. I have never felt the need to be around others, I always felt more at peace alone. So when people want to run away, I never chase them and sometimes they wonder why I don't seek their approval, validation or love. Needing approval from anyone will lead you to not knowing your true self and being inauthentic to please people around you. I never wanted to be like other people unless I was very inspired by them, and I still only wanted to be myself so I was naturally authentic thus never needing approval from others.

This comes from a deep inner self love of myself and all that I have overcome in my own life. I do not need, or want for much outside of myself and I don't need a lot of friends either because I am so self assured and have so much within me it feels like I'm giving too much and receiving too little in return when I spend time with others. I do love to give to others but not when that person is a bully or an abuser. I have even been very generous with them because getting revenge was never my cup of tea.

These people saw me, a person minding their own business and that seemed odd to them that I didn't want or need them for validation so they labeled me as odd, then proceeded to abuse and bully me just because I was different and they couldn't read me. I understand the root cause of other people's behaviors and actions towards me and so that is why it's so easy for me to understand them. I do not excuse their behavior but I understand why they felt the need to betray me, exclude me, be in a silent competition with me, put me down in front of others, belittle me, threaten me, bully me, abuse me etc. Because they felt threatened by my energy and presence. I threatened their demons by my authenticity and light.

When you look into my eyes I can see right through you, I can see right through anyone and that is why they run away, this is a gift and curse because it will trigger them into their own healing if they don't ignore their own self journey but it also means they will project their unhealed wounds onto me if they choose not to heal. I don't take this personal anymore. I can get along with anyone, but that doesn't mean I want to be around anyone. It's not personal. But people really underestimated my ability to let go of them because of my natural kindness, they thought I actually needed them.

But I never needed anyone I only chose them because I liked their personalities until I realized they were just using me. Then I suppose they thought I was disposing of them or discarding them because I moved on so quickly. But I was so used to people using me and I was so self assured that I could heal myself almost overnight from their fuckery. My love wasn't fake, and theirs was so I felt like I didn't lose anyone worth losing, in my mind-they lost a real loving, kind person with good intentions for them. But to them, they only saw my worth when I was gone. They didn't know that I had a silent inner confidence and true love for myself that I worked on silently. I was always a listener and not a talker. My music and vocal teachers were some of the best of the best, and they all taught me how to be confident while I was performing so I didn't have a choice, I had to be confident in order to not disappoint them and I wanted to be an excellent vocalist by my own free will.

My voice was always silenced and talked over since I was a child and even in previous lifetimes. Even while I was singing, especially in front of my abusers. I had a very unique perspective, creativity, wisdom and insight to share but no one thought I was anything more than my appearance. They just thought, I was pretty and I should be quiet to be more attractive. It's not like I had a speech impediment or that I said anything that crazy. They just saw me as an object and not as a human being with needs, not even realizing I was autistic and had extra needs.

All my needs were ignored because I looked fine. But there were days I looked like I was dying and no one cared, they expected me to fulfill all their needs while breadcrumbing me. Would you want to be around people if you were very psychic, could read their energy, read their body language, read their mind, while they talk shit about you and breadcrumb you and see and feel into their deepest hidden skeletons in their closets, their pains and insecurities and become them through their perspective, through their eyes? The blood of Yeshua ran through my veins, I could feel their pain so that I could heal them by mirroring their energy back to them. Why on earth would I be an extravert with that kind of ability? And why did people feel so entitled to my energy and justified abusing me?

This ability allows me to heal people I come into contact with, but also drains me and leaves me feeling depressed, angry, and sad taking on their own energy. I can understand them deeply but they cannot understand me because I am mirroring their own energy back to them so they mistake their energy as my energy. One thing was for certain, this world never welcomed me with open arms and I couldn't figure out a way to exist without suffering and I couldn't figure out how to leave this realm without disappointing everyone until I learned how to unlearn everything I was taught.

That traditional way of living did not feel fulfilling to me because I had too many gifts, too much talent, too much passion, too many other options to go on and too much to give to the world, that I'm not trying to settle for the original, regular cookie cutter, status quo human life that they wanted for me. I was never meant for a 9 to 5 job, and God wouldn't even allow me to stay there when I tried to do what I was told. I was rejected completely everywhere I went.

I move different because I am different -not better just different. Not separate just a little odd, because I have always been a dreamer, I have always believed in magic, I have always felt like an alien and I have always believed that there was more to this reality than meets the eye. I chose the path to real fulfilment by choosing myself over everyone from my past, and everything they wanted me to be. I have always chosen to see the good in others despite how much trauma they caused me and how much pain I've gone through, they were put there in my reality for a reason.

I am a radical optimist and I have chosen to forgive and love them as if they are me, other aspects of my consciousness in my own Universe. As a child I could see a higher perspective most people weren't aware of, and I could see clear solutions to the illusions of Earth that most people bought into through fear. I was fascinated by fear, and I wanted to understand fear by facing my own illusionary fears so I would stare into the darkness, into my triggers and my own darkness to see what I was so afraid of. I'm so sensitive to red flag signs that I pick up on them more than the average person.

Because I've seen so much and experienced it. I notice the small details most people overlook and sometimes I wish I wasn't so aware. People misjudged, misused, misunderstood, took advantage of me so often that it became a big cosmic joke in my reality where I had no choice but to forgive everyone and show them unconditional love, empathy and compassion because they couldn't see me, they couldn't even if they tried because their own ego was so negative and so misused they couldn't even see themselves so how could I expect them to see me clearly? They were hurting me so unconsciously I had to forgive them for myself because the resentment, the pain, the rage, the sadness was eating me alive and making me chronically ill for months. I had no choice but to let everyone off the hook. I am grateful that I chose to do that because I saved myself. No one else saves us.

Our reality bubbles trigger us into healing our own demons instead of pointing the finger until we can't take it anymore and surrender and just start laughing at every single trigger and at this big cosmic joke because it's just an intelligent simulation designed to evolve our consciousness. I choose love and forgiveness every single time because I am love and I love myself and I won't hurt myself anymore. They tried everything to make me bitter, cold hearted, and turn me into my pain but I came out with more love, compassion, wisdom and so much light to give. I am literally the phoenix rising from the ashes.

The enemy doesn't rob empty houses. I had a rich, golden beautiful treasure deep within me from my ancestors , from my past lives, from lifetimes of accomplishments, gifts, and pain and that is why they attacked me so much, I chose to be abused before I came to Earth because of my purpose I had to endure endless suffering but it's finally over because I learned the lessons. I forgive myself for projecting that reality by creating it within and I forgive all of my abusers because they were just playing that role for me to learn from. I felt so much rage, so many intense emotions while people thought I had the perfect life. Now I really will be having that perfect life they assumed I lived for so long. Because I forgive every single day. I am the pure consciousness that powers my world, I am All That Is, I am everything, I am the entire Universe because it's my Universe so I have the ability to trust in my preferred Earth reality version, and I choose to bring down heaven on Earth. No one else outside of me decides when that happens, only I do.

No one outside of you can tell you when it happens for you. You can live happily ever after whenever you decide to bring Heaven down on Earth, and you do that by being love first that you want to see, and you do that by choosing yourself first, and you do that by forgiving everyone in your reality because they know not what they do. Your energy, your true soul's essence is too important to be ignored and to be dimmed down just to fit in with everyone else.

Just be yourself and you will surprise and shock yourself with how much you can discover about yourself, don't seek approval from out there just find it within here and let yourself be happy because you deserve to know your true self. You can have it all right here and now, let everything come to you. Perseverance despite circumstance determines if you have really changed within and determine your future of abundance and success. Never let the flames of hell create the illusion that you can't save yourself. Get off the karmic wheel, forgive, drop off all the baggage of the past, all the burdens, all the guilt , the shame, the pain, all the curses they gave you and make your heart as light as a feather. That is who you are and have always been.

Reach for the stars, focus on gratitude for the lessons and never settle for less than you deserve by believing in the illusions and the breadcrumbs they give you. Appreciate everyone in your reality, even the ones you've rejected. Remember they are another you. Speak the new story into existence. Let go by feeling love. Feel to heal. Meditate. Find your center to find your way. Let the Universe show you better than you can imagine by letting go of your desires. Never chase anything, not even your dreams because that's still seeking approval which is the inauthentic version of you which leads to no success and only temporary gain and fulfillment and you will only watch everything run away from you. Bring heaven to you by choosing happiness and love. Remember life is about the journey and not the destination. Let your light guide your sight. I am here to serve you and serve the light.

#personal #rose messages #Phoenix rising from the ashes #me

[cowpokeomens]

Ayfuckingo, who’s stealing work👀👀👀 (Who thinks stealing someone’s hard ass work is fun? Wtf)

Yknow I thought abt deleting this ask and my post but I’m feeling feisty and fed up today, actually! This is not directly specifically at you anon 🫶 anyways read at your own risk lol

I’m not dropping names because I’m not a gossip blog, but I think the tendency of certain celebrated “authors” to dip into other people’s creative endeavors for their own work is gross and completely diminishes the whole point of fandoms. Like, this is supposed to be a community. Instead it’s turned into a competition that literally no one wants to be a part of where people say “oh yay, another _____ AU!” Instead of “wow, that’s awfully hyper specific and pretty flagrantly rips off of soemthing I’ve seen before?”

I think we, as members of fandom, have become soooooo wrapped up in the culture of needing to “consume content” that we disregard artistic integrity. We don’t care that the idea is stolen because we love the idea so much. I’m not talking about tropes (ie; enemies to lovers, grumpy!character x sunshine!character, fake dating) I’m talking about the actual creative thought that goes into making a fic. I understand loving someone’s creativity; I’m an artist, and I am constantly absorbing and thinking about art from other people. It’s inevitable that some ideas will trickle into your own work. But there comes a point where there is a clear difference between “inspired” and stolen.

I’m not trying to say this as some kind of writing authority - there are SO MANY talented and hardworking writers on this platform who make beautiful work leagues better than my stupid horny rambles. And like I said, I’m not naming names- the plagiarizers are fully aware of what they’re doing. But the way in which y’all treat fic is really disappointing sometimes. It’s not all about the next update, y’all. This is someone’s art. It’s not just a “good idea” in public domain for you to pluck and use in your own work as you please. It is someone’s art.

I just can’t help but feel like it circles back to a deeply ingrained need to devalue artists. If there was any respect for author’s and their work, this wouldn’t even need to be a conversation. Don’t fucking steal from people. Why do you value the work of an author so little that you feel it’s okay to take something they’ve worked incredibly hard on? Obviously you like it enough to try and pass it off as your own, so why steal at all? There’s a reblog button, you can add comments to let them know how much you love it. What are you gaining?

I’m coming from the position of an artist, not just a fic writer. This has nothing to do with my writing personally (as far as I’m aware, no one is trying to pass off my ideas as their own.) But as an artist, I cannot put into words how saddening and downright violating it is to have someone look at a thing you made, something you put your experiences and thoughts and emotions into, and think “it’s completely fine for me to take this idea and run with it.” That is insurmountably shitty.

Y’all are too damn smart to not notice. I think too highly of y’all as readers and creators to chalk it up to misunderstanding. You probably already had a fic in mind as you were reading this! I think we, as a community, really need to work on our intentionality and integrity with regards to art making. Stealing ideas is not conducive to making art or maintaining any semblance of community in fandom. Anyways this was long, I apologize for nothing, byeeeeeeeeee

[moonlit-positivity]

Let's talk about abandonment

Abandonment is a horrible feeling to sit with. Always feeling like you're never good enough for anything or anyone at all. And it goes deeper than most would know. Your friends hanging out without you, can spark a feeling of rejection, which leads to abandonment. Your partner doesn't text you back right away or doesn't respond for a few hours, can spark feelings of rejection, which leads to spiraling thoughts of "do they still like me/are they mad at me? And are they gonna leave me now?" Seeing someone express an opinion that you don't agree with, can spark a feeling of rejection, which leads to, "I don't necessarily agree but I don't want them to leave me so I'm gonna agree anyway to keep them interested in me."

Rejection is at the forefront of abandonment. In a way it can feel as if we have been denied our right to existance, when someone else does something that doesn't line up with our inner needs, or does something that shows us we are all different from each other. That fear of being different can be so intense that we often just ignore it's there, because that's too scary to sit with and you never really know what to do about it.

Oftentimes in my own life, I have felt like I've wanted to be so close to someone that I could "wear their skin and pretend to be them." Adapting their life as my own. But this reeks of childhood trauma with a capital T, and I'll tell you why.

No matter how close you feel to someone, no matter how close they may feel to you, you cannot be fully enmeshed with someone else's brain. Know why? Cuz this is how you'll end up.

[img from Gumball s4e25: The Parasite]

You're no longer yourself. Your partner/friend is no longer themself. You're both entangled in a mess of co-dependency & now you've got more trauma to deal with when they inevitably leave you to take care of themselves.

The thing with abandonment & rejection, is that it is unavoidable. At some point you will be rejected. At some point you will be abandoned. Nobody stays forever, even if they want to. We as humans are constantly living, growing, evolving, and changing. You and the people in your life are no exceptions to this fact. The concept of you being left alone to deal with your own life will come up at some point. By denying this hard fact of life you're only digging yourself further into that pit of darkness for when it inevitably hits.

So how do we deal with it on a deeper level?

I think the key lies in how you feel about yourself. Is your life not good enough, for you? Your differences & your individuality, is that not good enough? You shouldn't have to feel like you're in a constant competition for affection.

If you're like me, you can definitely relate to these feelings. What I've found the most beneficial has been finding space for myself to listen to my own anger and resentments. Allow yourself to say them out loud so you can allow it to exist. It's there for a reason. You'll figure it out.

Ask yourself, "am I not enough for you?" And see who it is that comes up when you ask yourself that question (Probably ur parents but I don't know you like that to tell 🎉). And allow yourself to ask them the same thing. "Am I not enough for you?"

Majority of times, feeling rejected is from a deeper wound. A wound from our parents rejecting us. A wound from having loved someone so deeply and so wholeheartedly, who was never able to accept us as we are, and who kept up this very high pressure for us to change according to what they wanted us to be.

You're allowed to bring attention to that wound. You're allowed to reject the very harsh and cruel treatment these types of people have put on you. It was and never will be, your responsibility to make someone else happy. It was and never will be, your responsibility to please your parents. They are operating under false & delusional expectations for you. They are not capable of seeing you for who you really are.

So allow yourself to call it out. Allow yourself to feel the anger and rage that comes from being forced into someone else's perception of perfection. Allow yourself to dwell on how it felt to be subjected to such horrific treatment. Allow yourself to ask, over and over, "am I not enough for you?" Until you can finally see that worth is something you have to take back for yourself. Nobody else will ever be able to give you that, only you will. Only when you have sat and cried over and over will you realize, it shouldn't matter what someone else has forced onto you. It should only matter how you feel about yourself. And if you are good with yourself? Once you start to feel better about yourself existing exactly as you are without the constant pressure to keep up someone else's appearance? You'll start to see it for yourself.

"I am enough for me." That's all that matters.

#recovery #ptsd #trauma #mental health #boundaries #healing #healing thoughts #abandonment #rejection #rsd #rejection sensitivity #bpd #actually borderline #living with bpd #bpd fp #favorite person #borderline personality disorder #enmeshment #Codependency #communication #relationships #toxic relationships #abusive parents #abusive parenting

[phyriaxi]

Another ask separate from my rq, are there any artists or other influences that have inspired your art that you'd like to share?

ohh boy, this is definitely a question I can ramble about (apologies in advance for the long text!!)

Short Answer (a list of lasting artistic influences):

Movies/animanga: How to Train Your Dragon, Avatar (not ATLA, sorry) , Evangelion, Pinch Point (by VLANCAT), Land of the Lustrous, Tower of God, CSM, Tokyo Ghoul, 86 EIGHTY-SIX

Games: Arknights, Cytus II (rip art team..), Honkai Impact 3rd, Destiny 2

artists/illustrators/animators: Shilin, Ishida Sui, yasutatsu, WOOMA, par0llel, suzumesakiii, Dino_illus, liduke, ligton1225, Curie Lu, 96yottea, many many others... I could write nearly every Arknights illustrator as well and still not be satisfied ..

Music: classical music, Ado, KIVA, Eve (the MVs..!), i think i need to stop listing things now because it'll never end

Long Answer (rambling):

when it comes to art, i am definitely inspired by other visual artists, but i am also very inspired by the world around me as well as creators of other types of media. i'm extremely lucky to have grown up in a lively, diverse city with a wonderfully creative family, so the art and music of my family and environment plays a large part in my artistic preferences!! Something I have really wanted to integrate more deeply into my art is the contrast between new and old, grungy and refined... it reflects a lot of the conflicts that make up what I consider to be "me." Also, I just really like the vibe of chaotic industrial zones and rusty metal combined with a shining city in the distance, lol.

Regarding particularly influential media: pretty much anyone who's taken a glance at my blog will know immediately that Arknights is one of my biggest influences. it's basically all i draw nowadays... whenever I'm not thinking about Responsibilities and Adult Life i'm usually thinking about either Arknights or Ado (<3).

before Arknights, I spent a long time drawing fanart and fan-characters inspired by How to Train Your Dragon. Both the visual and musical aspects of that series still have a very dear place in my heart, even if I don't engage much with the community anymore. I actually only really started drawing not-dragons about 3 or 4 years ago at this point. Something I have been thinking about a lot recently is how I can go back to drawing more creatures alongside my humanoid subjects, since it's not something I've done very much recently.

Gradually I began to find more friends in the art community, and I think I'm very influenced by those people as well! It isn't a competition, of course, but being around people who are also pushing to improve is a big motivator when I am feeling low on passion. "I want to stand together with them at the top of world one day", is how I often feel. I really want to work on a collaborative project with other artists someday as well. Trying to build my skill is partially because I want to better express my ideas, but also because I want to inspire and be inspired by other creators. :D I think my art has been evolving at a pretty good pace recently because of these motivators.. the friends and regulars (including you, burstfoot!!) that visit my blog regularly here really motivate me too!!

and lastly, I'm at a point in my life where I feel that if I can't get this art thing off the ground, I will probably have to give up on pursuing it properly soon... so it's partially desperation that is inspiring me to change and try new ways of expression as well :,]

[ thank you for the ask!! ]

#asks #not art #text #by the way #not directly relevant but there are about 15 requests in my inbox #feeling extremely motivated but also it might just take me a while to get to yours!! thank you for sending them !!

[grapenehifics]

Fic Rec Friday

Here's today's lesson in 'people can't actually read your mind, dumbass' (it's me, I'm the dumbass in this scenario). I was talking to @palfriendpatine66 and just, like, assumed that I'd already written a big long treatise about how much I love Center Stage? But, then, turns out, I guess I haven't. So, here one is now!

The flashbacks, and the way they're integrated into the plot. Maybe I'm just so impressed by this because it is so hard for me, personally, to do. But there's two stories going on here, and one of them isn't even told completely linearly, and they both feed off of each other and one gives you context for the other but instead of it just being 'plot info dump background information hope you remember this because it will be important later' (which is how I tend to do it), it's pieced out at the time that you need it and it leaves me hungry for MORE. I was just as, if not more, invested in the 'backstory' as I was in the present-day stuff.

Obi-Wan and Anakin feel like them. I mean, you know I love a good sports-as-Jedi metaphor, and the dancing works really well too. It's physical and mental at the same time, so you get those elements that you get from a good sparring scene: sexual tension, Anakin wanting to impress Obi-Wan (who is maybe less physically flashy but more experienced), determination to get it right, having to balance technical prowess with emotion...

It's a fun little peek into a world that I don't have a lot of experience in; one of my favorite things in the world is an AU where the person is clearly writing from personal experience and I get to learn stuff about dance competitions or coffee shops or someone's job or whatever

THE PINING

You know what the pining deserves a second bullet point because it's that good, there's just such LONGING and old hurts that they have to work through but the love is always there, they just have to let themselves be brave and take a chance

This is maybe just a more specific version of bullet point 2 but Obi-Wan is not only a performer but a teacher, too, and still in that transition period between the two so he's grappling with his feelings about aging and shifting to a different stage (ha) of his career, and as someone who is very much into the current Star Wars trend (on TV, anyway) of exploring middle age and what happens after these really monumental life events this speaks to me personally. Like, these are actual adults who are learning to grow into themselves and they're still who they are but they've let life change them, too.

Again I'm still stuck on the flashbacks but you get to watch Anakin's progression from needy, broke, angry teen to quitting the studio and leaving Obi-Wan behind for supposedly greener pastures all the way to coming home to him again and it feels exactly right and very Anakin

All in sub 14k words which just boggles my mind because I don't know if you've noticed but brevity is not my jam and I am deeply impressed anytime someone manages to pack so much emotion into a (to me) short wordcount

This quote: "He loved Anakin now and he had loved Anakin then. He had never known a time where he didn’t love Anakin, it had just grown and changed along with them" which sums up canon Obikin to me in, like, ten seconds

Also, it has a happy and romantic ending, so even when things get tough, never fear it'll work out

#fic rec friday #obikin

[captain-aralias]

Some 'Carry On' Recommendations for your Tuesday

here's some things i've been reading recently that i think other people should read too! thanks for tagging me @messofthejess!

N.B. this list is super long and also only scratching the surface... i should rec more often, anyway - if you see this, please read some of the things as you will really like them, and give the authors some love!

Teen or under

The Plum Tree by @otherpeoplesheartachept-2, under 1k

baz and malcolm talk (without exactly talking) about how baz is a vampire. great characterisation, really nice contained and different piece.

Eight Times Simon Couldn’t Stop Himself by knightinbrightfeathers, RainyForecast, steadfastasthouart (steadfastest) - 12k

just realised this has three authors! really brilliant fic, fangirl-era - but super worth reading, as long as you're ok with simon being smart, and also knowing he's into boys before he kisses baz. (why wouldn't you be?). this is all about simon and baz pranking each other/being generally awful, until they aren't - you see their relationship changing and simon gradually realising what he feels about baz, then there's a telepathy scene! this was recced recently in the discord* so probably lots of people have now read it, but it's seriously good!

Golden Boy by @spockzilla, 9k

magickal mishap, simon turns everything to gold by mistake! this author (also responsible for the fic where simon turns into a frog) is really good at making the silliest things sexy, and sexy things silly - which is a good thing.

end to begin by @tea-brigade, 4k

canon AU, simon and baz are exes, but simon needs baz's help..... really lovely, unusual, interesting and moving fic! i really like how it uses this inciting incident to let baz be kind (that's for me, the most important thing about them being together) and encourage the two of them to have the conversation they should have had a long time ago. works so well.

Trapped by @you-remind-me-of-the-babe based on art by taken_aback_by_Tuesdays,

penny/shepard get together, no snowbaz involved! this fic is criminally unread, because ... it's not snowbaz, but it is BRILLIANT. amazing penny and shepard characterisation, and it's so fun to see them get together a different way... that also involves her saving him.

Explicit

This Will All Go Down In Flames by @facewithoutheart with art by @tea-brigade, 11/17 chapters, 40k, WIP (no sex yet, RIP)

obsessed with this fic right now! band AU where simon and baz briefly bacame friends at school, then became incredibly successful musicians before the band broke up... because simon and baz couldn't communicate about how they fancied each other. it's great! fun, funny, social media stuff, a malcolm trying to be down with the kids, texas references, shepard being a reporter - highly recommend.

Crosse My Heart by @creepyspice with art by @cutestkilla, 5k, brobelove not snowbaz

omg, this fic is so good. seriously - even if you dont think you're into brobelove, you should read this, as i dont believe you could like snowbaz if you don't like the competitive snarky action this fic has in spades, but also if you like brobelove, my god you should read this! such amazing characterisation and super sexy.

Here in the Dark by @artsyunderstudy, 5k

love this middle of the night sex - i'm repeating my comment here, but the whole mood is perfect: confused and dreamlike, you're locked out of baz's POV, entirely in simon's and it works so well for the mood. plus, it's sexy AND there's amazing art to go with it.

Two Heads Are Better Than One by @skeedelvee, 22k

omg, i am obsessed with this fic. it's so deeply strange (simon and baz share the same body, due to - magickal mishap!) AND SO AMAZING AND SEXY. and also romantic and fun. proper enemies to to friends to lovers action, a fantastic scene where simon and baz watch baz's vanilla porn, a bit where they defeat a unicorn together, sex as one person, sex as two people - it's got it all.

*if you're not in this discord, but you'd like to be, this is the link to get in: https://discord.gg/FJ8meVhr

that's enough - i've got more i should rec, but i'll do another post later.

#carry on #simon snow series #snowbaz #fic rec

[hmsindecision]

Hello. I asked if you still gave advice sometime ago. I had some problems with internet connection and only saw your answer now.

I have no experience with girls, and I worry because, when it comes to sex, I'm really insecure. I have this idea in my mind sex between a guy and a girl is better and nothing I can do with anyone can compare. It's not really the mindset of competitiveness, much less wanting to be better, but, at least, equal. I think I see lesbian sex as inferior, in a way, as missing something, as I always hear. My friends said themselves, what women have, men also do, but they also have something we don't, so I just kind of feel I'm lacking when it comes to pleasuring a woman. And I know no lesbian would prefer a man to a woman, but I always think that if dildos and the alike were off the table, my partners would enjoy sex more if they could be with a man. I don't know how prevalent strap-ons and dildos are among lesbians, nor if they are always used among people who like it or if they just come out sometimes, but the impression I have of them is as the main thing, the most pleasurable and intimate, and one that most women will require, although I recognize I can't really know that, due to my lack of experience. I don't want to use them at all, but I'm worried about that too. Does that tend to be important for lesbians, or is that something that would be missed? I can't ask about everyone, because exceptions always exist, but, for most of us, is it like that?

I remember following your blog years ago, and you were always very kind. I had never asked anything, but the answers helped me still. Thank you.

Okay, warning to all that this will have a lot of juicy sex talk.

You’ve fallen into a very easy patriarchal ideological trap around sex that is central to both misogyny and homophobia. The idea is this: women’s bodies and sex organs are vessels, men’s bodies and sex organs are the active force. Women have sex enacted upon them; men elevate things from the erotic and the sensual to the sexual. This isn’t because of anything you’ve done wrong; the patriarchy tries to teach us this every day.

The idea that women are incomplete men is not a new one, and I have heard this repeated many times around sex in different ways with outright homophobia (“lesbian sex isn’t real sex”), heterosexism (“Lesbian sex is just foreplay”) and liberal good intentions (“lesbian sex is all the sweet parts of sex that straight men miss and we can all learn from lesbians”). This is what your friends are saying. But it isn’t that men are like women with “something extra”. What they have is something completely different (and, to the lesbian mind and taste, something deeply inferior).

I have thought a lot about what to tell you and what I keep coming back to is this: when you have your fingers curled inside another woman, she feels warm and soft and you can feel—pounding with excitement—her pulse through her vagina. The vagina is a muscle that squeezes and draws you in closer when a woman is excited. What could possibly be elevated by this experience by the inclusion of anything else? Is this experience, if one woman feeling the pulse of another woman through her most intimate parts, not on its own a divine expression of sexual actualization?

The fact is that there are a bunch of people in the world that might be stronger, faster, more fit, more traditionally attractive, more well off, more put together, more whatever than I am. But if the woman I am having sex with cares about me, she isn’t thinking of anyone who is any of those things. She’s thinking of me. Because someone who compares you to other possibilities during the act of sex is not someone you want to be with anyhow.

When it comes to straps and dildos… I have to admit that I also thought that they would be more prevalent than they turned out to be in my sex life as an adult. They have never been the main dish or the requirement. The fact is, you ultimately don’t need anything for sex other than two people, and often anything else is just in the way or for occasional fun. It’s completely okay to never use them. Many lesbians prefer this (actually, many of my exes directly preferred no penetration at all).

Frankly, I think that the phallocentricity of how our society views sex is violent, unloving, and deeply patriarchal. I’m the past when I have had partners who exclusively partnered with men they had sex with me the way their male partners had sex with them; fast, rough, as if we had an audience. My heart breaks for this looking back. When I asked what they wanted it was not that, and like any experience this can be tempered. The human desire for sex is about reciprocation, not performance and colonization. Sex is a pleasure and bonding tool that, at its best and most beautiful, is about forging happiness.

From a lesbian perspective, a male partner and his penis are not only unwelcome, but inherently disastrous. His lack of vulva, vagina, clitoris, and other female avenues of pleasure is not only repulsive on a sensory level, but also a barrier to sex. He may have something we don’t but he also lacks something we have—female sex organs. Like any artist, we cannot work with a medium that does not inspire us.

If your partner would rather have sex with a man, that will never be because you don’t want to use a certain sex toy, because penises are better, or because lesbian sex is missing anything. It’s because they want to have sex with a man. If you cooked a beautiful meal and someone still wants McDonald’s, it doesn’t make you a bad cook. If they want to have sex exclusively with a strap on, it’s okay for that to be a dealbreaker too. You don’t have to be sexually compatible with everyone in the world—it’s impossible to be anyway—you just need to have someone who wants what you want in the same way you do. Even if 99% of lesbians thought that strap-ons were the highlight (which is absolutely not true in the slightest) then there would still be one percent who didn’t. Just like if you cooked a beautiful meal, they could still have allergies or preferences that don’t fit yours.

Ultimately, sex is about desire and connection. Without desire, rotted in the physical as well as mental, and connection, rooted in the emotional and the social, sex will not be that great anyway. Those are going to get you further than any sex toy, my friend.

I promise you have everything you need.

#lesbian sex #asks #radfems do interact #lesbian feminist #pee pee centrists dni #and to be clear that last tag doesn’t mean osa women it means people who think lesbian sex includes pee pees

[ramayantika]

So in my old school in kolkata, there was a girl. Let's call her Indu. So when I joined this school, the class teacher had told the class about me and my brother because we were the first and the only twins to join the class. Naturally, all the girls said hi and talked to me and told me about the class and the students.

Indu was dark skinned, wore specs and sometimes combed her hair in very unique hairstyles that made one question: How on earth do you do that and come to school.

But anyway Indu befriended me, gave my school notes just like the others too and helped me out for the first week of school.

Cut to grade nine and ten. Now we all were fair skinned girls. Half of them were think and had good figures too which made them attractive and boys had no problem talking to us. And colourism is still deeply rooted in us that the guys made fun of Indu and the girls just rolled their eyes or avoided her path. Indu would get annoyed easily and she had her own family problema tok which she had solely shared with me and I understood why sometimes she used to have angry outbursts. Like imagine a 14 year old with whom nobody wants to be friends because they are dark in colour and don't look nice and pretty plus the classmates openly boycott you too. So sometimes she used to answer back in anger, but she never did that with me or my brother.

In the tenth grade, I don't know why the boys started this trend of calling her 'cancer'. Each morning she would enter the class, they announced, "cancer is coming. Bey cancer aarhi hai jaldi chal" And by chance if any boy saw her before coming to class they would groan and say that aaj din kharab jayega. They would also gag and make sounds when she raised her hand to give an answer to a question.

Now the girls wouldn't engage in that openly, but they would sideline her or just smile in front of her for two minutes and walk away. I remember one time she was sitting beside me, and in front of me the girls were signalling me to leave her and sit with them. Each time I talked to her, they would joke, "indu toh is your best friend now, isn't it?"

My close guy friend too called her Cancer and onetime my brother stood up and asked him what has she done too you so bad that you need to call her cancer. He said, she deserves it because she is rude everytime.

I was silent. I couldn't take any stand for her even though she had helped me out because I didn't want to lose my friendship with others. During picnic and children's day parties, we all would est together and joke while she went alone to the food counter and got her food. Some girls out of pity called her just to be 'nice' to her but behind her they made fun of her sparkly stone pink dress.

There was a dance competition I was supposed to take part in, but I couldn't. She was performing on ghoomar and had dressed exactly like rani padmavati. People in class were whispering all sorts of things yet she walked with her head held high. I could never tell her that she really good in that lehenga.

Anyway she was among the best students in our class too. Now that I live in isolation with no friends, though my situation is still far better than what she had to face because I have never been mistreated, I feel bad that I couldn't do a single thing for her. If I were in her place I would dread coming to school knowing that people see you as a curse each morning. For me, all my friends have gone ahead and found their friends and stuff in uni and I feel that I am good for nothing and I am bad at everything. Thinking about her makes me think that what strength she must have had back then to still come to school and perform well in class.

Anyway she got her good friends in 11th and 12th. She had changed her school I think it was Mahadevi Birla girls in kolkata and now she is here in Kiit bhubaneshwar. I am sure that she is really going to be a very strong individual in life and I really hope that she becomes so successfull so all those people in class who made fun of her literally go silent.

The other girls I remember they would sing those songs which mean everyone is beautiful, scars, colour weight doesn't matter, yet they treated her this way, and I am no good too because knowing it to be wrong I could never call them out.

They post stuff like inner beauty and stuff but do we really believe that? Do they really believe that?

#samridhi speaks #oh and some of those boys were themselves dark skineed yet made fun of her

[krakenartificer]

Tagged by tumblr bestie @turtletotem. Thank you!

Are you named after anyone: Nope. I was named because my parents didn't know anyone else who had that name. Sadly, however, the name occurred to them for the same reason it occurred to a lot of other parents at that time (presumably due to complicated socio-economic factors), so I ended up with the third most common name for my AGAB for my birth year. There were five of us in my elementary school year. It was a nightmare.

When was the last time you cried: God I don't know. I'm in the phase of my PTSD recovery where I cry like a toddler: because I'm tired, because I have too much energy, because I stretched and now my back feels better, because I made a typo, because I forgot to make tea after the water boiled, because it's too sunny, because it's too cloudy....) It's 10:47 am, I think I'd remember if I'd cried today. Did I cry yesterday? Probably. I definitely did on Friday. So somewhere in the last 24-48 hours.

Do you have kids: None biological. A lot of adopted teenagers whose parents don't deserve them so I'm their mom/aunt/cool older sibling now.

Do you use sarcasm a lot: Yeah, but I'm trying to make sure it's in a wholesome/ironic/silly way, and not in a dismissive/mean way

What sports do you play/have played: I had a run for a while where I played volleyball once a week with a casual family group. Have done a little shooting hoops with spouse. Other than that, not much; I prefer cooperative physical activity to competitive.

What’s the first thing you notice about people: whether or not there's something showing (T-shirt, hairstyle, pins on their bag, etc) that indicates an interest we have in common that I could use to make conversation if I needed to.

What’s your eye color: Driver's license says hazel

Scary movies or happy endings: Happy endings, fo sure. I've had all the terrifying depressing hopelessness I need in one lifetime, thanks.

Any special talents: Weirdly good at memorizing dialogue and song lyrics. Naturally good at fiber arts. I think all the rest of my "talents" are just repackaged ADHD symptoms

Where were you born: Colorado

What are your hobbies: Fiber arts. Writing. Guitar. "Overthinking" things.

Do you have pets: I wish T_T But the neighborhood cats stop by often, and I'm still plotting how to get unlimited access to the neighbor's husky

How tall are you: 5'5.5"

Favorite subject in school: I really cared more about the teachers than the subjects, but my dad is super into science, and my extended family includes a lot of people who genuinely, deeply love mathematics, so I definitely gravitated towards STEM. If we're counting "subjects" from elementary and middle school, then Reading Class

Dream job: Independently wealthy enough that I can live on my ranch and make art without worrying about whether or not it's profitable

Tagging: @stitchlingbelle, @floating-in-the-blue, @jasonsdeli, @animatedamerican, @oma-goodness (no pressure if you're not feeling it)

#ask game #gpoy

[mogai-sunflowers]

I have such a love hate relationship with the whole “gifted kid burnout” thing because it applies to so many of my experiences but also, 1) it’s way too centered and there needs to be much more focus on people with traumatizing experiences with special education and other problems, and 2) when I say that’s me people assume I am just a stupid privileged brat who had it easy, so I wish I could express how deeply and utterly the school system fucked over my mental health without sounding like that. I wish there was a way to do this?

like I have a pretty bad learning disorder but because I was good at *one* subject, ALL of my struggles were ignored. Meltdowns every night over the homework that was too hard for me but my parents just screamed at me and shamed me for not being good at it because “I thought you were good at this”? Nope apparently we can ignore those! Lots of teachers criticizing me much harsher and more publicly (like in front of the whole class just for get an answer wrong) just turned into something I deserve because I should’ve just known!!!! Bad grades were just a fluke because surely I couldn’t be imperfect!!! And I got forced into all these competitions because I was supposed to be smart even though I didn’t want to and just got hurt over and over again, but none of that matters because I can memorize some facts and convince everyone my brain works!!!!!!

and yet, my heart breaks for all the other nd kids who weren’t given what I was given, even though what I was given was still horrible. But I don’t know how to acknowledge that I have trauma without hurting people who had it worse and I don’t know how to process that trauma without acknowledging it first so what do I even do?????

all I know is we have to stop putting different experiences against each other. “Gifted kid burnout” people need to stop acting like we are the center of the universe when it comes to educational trauma but others also need to respect that different trauma =\= trauma worse or better, just DIFFERENT! And special Ed survivors NEED more space to share and advocate!!! I know it’s not all about me but howwww do I express that without ignoring my own trauma??? /hypothetical

#🌌when the stars align ; reigns rambles🌌

[safefort]

I am underestimated and sick so here this is

What your favourite amphibia character says about you (or just the one you kin)

Calamity trio edition

First up Anne

If the one and only Anne boocu is your favourite or the one you relate to:

Your a big softie! And in the best was possible! Your kind, loving, sensitive, see the best in others, and with those your close with your fiercely loyal and protective. Your goofy and Your also the mom friend! Your the friend that everyone needs

Your most likely an extrovert or at the very least an extroverted introvert

You love sweets

You give off the vibes of “family is everything”

Your strong. you’ve been through a lot and no one talks about it, but you keep on fighting and continue to grow

High emotional intelligence

Your someone who is constantly learning, growing and changing! Your amazing at adampting to new environments

Loves memes and cute cat videos

Your super likeable

For the negative side: you do or have in the past struggled with standing up for yourself and gave into people pleasing. With how your naturally sensitive, it can sometimes make you passive. You or have had people who take advantage of your more passive side and you may have or had just gone along with it.

Your really competitive and sometimes it can get a little too intense 

When you feel unsure of who you are or don’t feel confident you can be unmotivated, lacking passion.

When your sorounded by positive people, who give you unconditional love and believe in you, you thrive! The lesson you need to learn is to find those people if you haven’t and not put up with anything less!

Next up Sasha

If you Sasha is your favourite character or the one you relate to:

A natural leader and independent. Your out going and have good people skills, you don’t let anyone push you around and know how both take charge and get people to listen to you. You this natural charisma that makes people wanna follow you. Also despite your tough appearance you deeply care for your friends

Your a rebel and like to break the rules

Out going and popular

Makes friends easily

Your have a tough and strong attuide but you have a sercet soft side and vulnerable side for those close to you

Your most likely an air sign, give strong aqurious vibes

Condfident in who you are and sassy

Likes action movies

The cool one out of the friend group

Sarcastic

Now for Negative: because your so strong and independent you have a tendency to put a wall up, getting close to people but only at a certain amount and not letting others know when your hurting. Keeping all problems to yourself. Due to this or/and other your hot temper and get aggressive sometimes.

Can be mainplative without knowing it, your so good at leading sometimes you don’t know when it’s time to let others have a turn having there way, and you may even fear letting go of that control. You could have been a villan in some life without knowing it

When your powers need to be used for good! That’s when amazing things happen, when there used not used for good, you can easily lose people and end up hurt

Last but certainly not least marcy

If Marcy is your favourite or you relate to her:

Your optimistic, really intelligent, and passionate. Your a life long learner! You love learning and have a lot of knowledge, with lots of passions. But that’s not all there is too you, your someone who deeply cares for you friends and all you want is to be toeghter with your friends! Your also engertic or were when you were younger and that makes you fun to be around.

Neurodivgent of some kind

Either burnt out gift kid, gift kid that is not burnt out yet, or someone who struggled in school (there is no inbetween)

Loveable nerd

Has a small but close circle of friends

In some kind of fandom and probably has a niche interest(s)

Similar to Anne, your strong. You’ve been through a ton of trauma but you keep fighting and learning from life

Loves puzzles and are an amazing problem solver

You always have your friends best intentions at heart, your logical but when it comes to people you are about emotional

You have a good sense of humour

You know a bit about everything but also have certain interests that you know a ton about

Clumsy or uncoordinated

Your on a different level than everyone else, there’s no other way to explain it

Now for the negative: you find it hard to make friends and have troubles with understanding social cues, this can either lead to being alone or depent on the friends you do have. People have may have tendency to label you as harmless and want to protect you, as a result you may think you need protecting to and relay on this.

When you get emotional (usually over your friends) you can be impolvisive.

Similar to Anne, your more of a passive person and a bit of a people pleaser, this can lead you get walked over or for people who don’t understand you passions for to either supress your interests or allow them to ignore your interests

You also have a fear of abandonment or being alone

Put an environment with your interests, that allows you to be independent, you thrive! you need to learn that you don’t always need others to hold your hand even if you scared and not to supress any part of yourself for anyone! your awesome the way you are! Also go to thearpy please, you have unresolved trauma.

#amphibia disney #amphibia fandom #amphiblr #marcy amphibia #amphibia #amphibia sasha #amphibia anne #clamity trio #autism #my post #post #blog post #thoughts #what your favorite character says about you

[selenacosmic]

Romance in the office.

Chapter 10- flattering the flatterer.

I have come to notice that I can be… a bit competitive. From school to getting a job, I try to be professional and excellent at my job. I never really cared if people thought of me as too ambitious, I always wanted to have good grades and to be seen as a good student. Nowadays I want to be good at my job and be a good secretary.

Perhaps my reason to want to succeed is related to two things: one, I enjoy being praised for my good work, that is something I have always appreciated. Two, I don’t want to become troublesome to others. If anything, I want to be reliable to others. That could explain why I was so inclined to help Mr. Take- I mean… Shingen, with his work. It also explains why I was so determined to start learning how to date, Yoshimoto seemed to be very experienced and at the same time, not.

It’s hard to explain. It seems clear to me that he has been with many people before, but I don’t think he has ever had a serious relationship before. Regardless of that, he had many things to teach me about dating that I have never heard of before, some of these things don’t even appear on the dramas I have watched. It goes deeper than I thought.

“… are you listening to me?” Yoshimoto frowned a little, perhaps because I was taking notes on everything he was saying.

“I am. So, if he leans closer, i must grab him and start physical affection?” My focus was on another level, I must say.

He stared at me for a while, we were still at the cafeteria, no one was around so we could study freely about dating. It has been a few hours since I have started my lessons and I have taken note of everything I needed to know. Yoshimoto was a good teacher, though he didn’t seem to like to repeat himself too much.

“… you could say that. Though grabbing him would seem too forced. Try being more subtle about it, slowly lean closer to him as well. People will think that you are being aggressive if you suddenly grab him.” Ah, noted. Though I had more questions.

“But people need to think we are in love, right? I think it’s not wrong to act as if I am a very loving girlfriend.” Yes, people will definitely think we are in love if we show public affection.

“You truly have never dated before. People will think you are obsessed, not in love.” A soft sigh left his lips, I was wondering if perhaps I was being too troublesome as a student. “You know, you are very good at your work. So much that I believe you are very smart. But… how come you are so dense when it comes to romance?”

That particular commentary made me frown a little. I am not dense about it, I just… happen to not have any experience whatsoever about it. I am not naive when it comes to romance, I have watched many dramas, read many romance novels. Doesn’t that qualify as having knowledge about romance? It’s true that I have never paid any attention to dating, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t completely interested in it.

“I am not that dense. I just take this very seriously. I have never dated before.” I won’t admit that I was pouting, mostly because that would make me seem childish.

“I can see that. At least you want to learn how to, poor Yuki gave up learning anything about dates.” Yoshimoto moved on to the next lesson, there was a lot more to learn. “The next lesson involves compliments. Every couple who is deeply in love will compliment each other, even the littlest things.”

I paused for a minute to think, I guess Shingen wouldn’t need help with that. He is always throwing compliments wherever he goes, that means I am the one who needs to learn how to compliment. That can’t be that hard, he has many good qualities.

“One thing that should be noted, though, your compliments must be as sincere as possible. Shingen won’t have trouble with that, but you…” he looked at my face with a troubled look, as if he was looking at a difficult task. Wow, rude. “Your compliments must flatter him, which will give the impression that you two are madly in love.”

“Madly in love…? Must we go that far? I think a good ‘you look nice’ will do.” And I was being honest, it seems impossible to win against Mr… I mean, shingen when it comes to flattering someone. “Besides, won’t that make me seem obsessed, not in love?”

Somehow I managed to earn a sigh from Yoshimoto, he always seemed like a rather calm and patient man, was I really that bad of a student? I watched him as he got up from the table we were in, taking a moment to himself to regain his patience.

“Listen, I do admire that you want to be more honest and simple. But you are supposed to be dating a man who is well known for how romantic he is. People might suspect if you don’t master the art of flattery.” He is being dramatic again, and he avoided my last question… but, when I think about it, he is right. People might see through my acting if I keep my compliments too simple.

If anything, people might think that Mr. Take-… shingen, is the only one who is in love in this relationship, which will create more bad rumors. We don’t want that, I might as well do my best to look like I am ‘madly in love’.

“Ok, but compliments can’t be all when it comes to flattering someone, right?” Thankfully, my question seemed to earn a smile from Yoshimoto, who nodded immediately.

“If your words can’t match with Shingen’s compliments, your actions are bound to make up for it.” He motioned with his hands for me to get up, which I did right away. “What I am about to teach you is very important. The next moment you see Shingen, I want you to test right away and tell me the results.”

“Yes, sir!” I was excited to learn more, it would be my first time to get to flatter someone if I learned this technique right.

—————

“Uhm… angel, may I ask what you are doing?” Shingen asked with a confused look, though he wasn’t blushing or stuttering. Was my plan a failure?

“Isn’t it obvious? I am flattering you.” Right now, I was performing the position well-known as the ‘Kabedon’. The art to trap someone against the wall and get closer, Yoshimoto taught me that no one can resist this.

“Ah, I am already feeling flattered to have such a sweet lady trapping me like this. Though I must say, it would be been more effective if you weren’t standing on a footstool.” He pointed at the fact that the only reason we were face to face was because I needed some support.

Have I mentioned how different our heights are? I hate to say this, but I am a bit short. And I honestly doubt anyone could surpass Shingen’s height, he is a very tall man.

“I don’t think it’s any less effective, Yoshimoto told me that the height matters.” I could remember how he pointed out everything that mattered to make this technique work.

“Did he, now? I suppose this would work a lot more if I was the one doing it.” That made a mischievous smile appear on his face. Before I could say anything, he had hugged my waist and brought me a bit closer. “How about this?”

Oh, wow. It will really be difficult to do this. I thought I could make him blush at least a little, but he is too good at this. Shingen can turn the tables a little too fast for my liking. Then again, if anyone were to see this, they would think that we really are dating. Maybe it wasn’t a waste to learn this, I could try learning more ways to flatter him and make this whole ‘fake dating’ more believable. When we were this close to each other, I could almost hear his heartbeat. It was at a faster speed than usual, could it be that I did manage to have a reaction out of him? But when I looked at his face, it didn’t show any signs of being flattered, his grey eyes were the same as always, even his breath was at a regular speed. As we were closer, I began to notice just how handsome he truly is, for his age… He isn’t that old but he isn’t that young either, it’s impressive how mainly he looked. If someone only saw his appearance, they might not expect him to have a sweet personality.

I also noticed later how much closer we were getting to each other, all I could try to remember were the lessons that Yoshimoto taught me. If he leans closer, i should grab- no… I should lean in closer too. But there was no one around for us to act like we were dating, so am I suppose to push him away? What are the odds that someone might come in and-

“Excuse me, Mr. Takeda. I am here with a few reports and- WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?!” Oh no, that’s Yukimura! I immediately pulled away and stepped down from the footstool, panicked that he witnessed that. Shingen, however, didn’t seem that shocked and panicked like I was.

“Seriously, Yuki. I have taught you to not interrupt others like that.” He chuckled and put a hand on my shoulder, not getting too close but not putting any distance between us either.

“You know that I searched for a secretary that you wouldn’t flirt with, right? Do you know how hard that was?” He was a bit angry, though I wouldn’t say that he was mad. Yukimura sighed and rubbed the bridge between his nose and forehead. “I know you two came together to work because of… that. But you can’t just do shameless things with the excuse that you two are dating!”

“Calm down, nothing happened between us… yet. We were just practicing on how to act in public, which is a very important task.” Shingen said that with a very calm voice, unbothered by how hysterical Yukimura was.

That seemed to make Yukimura even more annoyed, I watched as he and Shingen bickered (or rather, Shingen teased him while Yukimura was angry) and wondered to myself if this plan was really going to work out.

#ikemen sengoku #ikesen #ikemen sengoku shingen #ikesen shingen

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Long ramblings about what I did with my weekend behind the “keep reading” link. Going on about comedy things that happened 10+ years ago shall resume shortly.

Well, I just got home from a five-day trip to coach some national championships, by far the biggest thing I’ve done since March 2020. It’s not the longest I’ve been away, as I’ve made a few trips out to my grandparents’ place since COVID started, but those were nice quiet relaxing times by the ocean and away from people. This was the opposite of that.

I knew I’d struggle with the constant activity and lack of alone time, but I managed that okay in all the ways I used to do. Since I started this stuff in 2004, any time I’ve gone to any event like this, as a coach, or, before that, when I was a competitive athlete, the first thing I do is scout the venue for empty areas. After many years of this, I no longer had to do that most times, because I was familiar with most venues, at least within my own province and other nearby places where I travel frequently. No matter how small the building is, I can always find some corner with low or no foot traffic. Stairwells are fantastic for this; I have spent a weird amount of my life hiding under stairs, with headphones in, until I have to return to activity. But national championships always take place in a nice big venue, with things like entire hallways that don’t get used. There’s nothing better than finding a whole hallway that none of the other hundreds of people at an event seem to have found (to be fair, they’re not looking as hard as I am), where I can disappear any time I have a break throughout the day.

I usually play music during these breaks, I have a whole system for what type of music is best depending on mood/anxiety levels/how long a break I have. That’s the system I used for many years before the pandemic, but I thought that this time I might modify it a bit. I made a folder on my phone with a bunch of my favourite audio Britcom, some stand-up and some radio shows and some podcasts.

That helped me out last year, when I was doing an in-person work placement and had a hard time being around people for eight hours a day. In both buildings where I worked, I found a small room where the light was never on and the people were never in it, and I took my breaks there, in defiance of advice about eating in the break room for networking purposes. I know that’s good advice, and objectively the best thing to do, but the important thing was showing I could do the job well, which I would not be able to do without taking a break from being around people when I could.

Anyway, I listened to The Bugle on all my breaks, and my commutes to and from work, and that helped a lot. So much that I think I was notably better at my job because of it; I could handle the crowded rooms when they were interspersed with this other thing that could draw me in so much, and therefore draw me out of where I was. I thought something similar might work at the tournament, with Bugle episodes or stand-up or anything else.

It didn’t quite work the way I expected. The difference, I’m quite sure, is that this sport is something I love and am really really deeply interested in, and I found I couldn’t just combine that with something else where I’m the same way. There wasn’t enough space in my brain for two things I feel that strongly about at the same time. I sit down and try to listen to a Nish Kumar routine as a break from the tournament, but I’m too deeply immersed in one thing I’m obsessed with to get invested in this other thing. I was never supposed to have both those things in my life at the same time; the Britcom obsession started when the world ended and sports got canceled and I needed something else to replace it as the thing I think about every moment of every day. Because… I don’t know, because autism, I guess. Because it’s my understanding that there are some people who can go through life without something they think about every moment of every day.

The tournament was good, by the way. All the little things I romanticized during the pandemic, the annoying things that I hardly noticed until they were gone and I missed them. Long road trips where we arrive at the hotel at 2 AM. Trying to sleep with my jacket against the truck window as a pillow. Complaining about stupid things in cities that really aren’t that different from mine. Complimentary hotel breakfasts with powdered eggs. Trying not to make eye contact with the people from other teams over our powdered eggs at the hotel breakfast. Shitty service station food. Trying not to make eye contact with people from other teams at the service station where we all end up stopping because we all left the venue at the same time so we all end up at this spot on the highway at the same time and that’s the obvious place to stop. Deciding whether to go with totally pretending not to see each other, an awkward nod and moving on, or even more awkward small talk. A lot of the experience revolves around shitty food and trying to avoid awkward small talk. Those were all things that I missed when they were gone, found annoying again while actually doing them again, but now that I’m not actively doing any of those things, I’m right back to seeing them in a bit of a romanticized way.

I do genuinely like hotels, though. A little room with everything you need that’s magically clean again every time I return to it (I know it isn’t magic, thank you to all the people who do that not very fun job, I try not to make too much work for them). Also I actually like hotel breakfasts, powdered eggs and all. No nostalgia or romanticization is needed to make hotels fun (as long as I remember to bring my weighted blanket, because now that I’m used to that, no other sleeping arrangements seem acceptable).

And, you know, the tournament itself was good. I won’t go into too much detail, partly for privacy reasons (I realize I put lots of my personal life on this blog so talking about privacy seems a bit silly, but I do hold some things back), and partly because the technical aspects of a sporting event are probably even less interesting to anyone outside of it than the stuff I’ve already written in this post. But I will say… a bronze medal plus two national champions, one in a teenage division but one in the adult division, and that one could be a step on a road to the Olympics. Just trust me, those are very good results and it’s really fucking exciting.

Oh, just to pick up on one other thing that really needs picking up on, not even from the tournament itself but from the coaches’ meeting at the end of the tournament – for all coaches who have an athlete on the national team, which my team does, we’re pretty cool. If you read the new safe sport manual – a list of regulations designed to prevent all kinds of stuff from physical to psychological to sexual abuse – and you feel personally targeted, maybe that’s not something you need to complain about in a meeting. Maybe, if you read a document that’s meant to outlaw being a terrible person and you feel that it unfairly outlaws shit you do all the time, you shouldn’t even want to admit that in a room full of people. Maybe you should keep your fucking mouth shut and re-evaluate your life. Maybe.

Anyway. Back on the subject of how I tried to mix Britcom with this experience and found it didn’t really work, since I couldn’t really focus on one thing I’m really invested in at the same time as I was doing another thing I’m really invested in, when those two things are very different from each other. I don’t know how to say this without it sounding like a vicious insult to two men whose work I absolutely love, but the only Britcom-like things I could really get into, while sitting in that empty hallway and unable to listen to anything that would be too immersive, were David O’Doherty and Gavin Osborn. I say “Britcom-like” because David O’Doherty isn’t British and Gavin Osborn isn’t a comedian, but close enough (my apologies to the sovereign state of Ireland for that comment, I realize people have fought wars to not be considered “close enough” to British).

This is, of course, not because their stuff isn’t wonderful. I think it’s because they both break it down into smaller pieces, so I can hear one part of it without getting drawn into the whole thing. Gavin Osborn definitely makes sense this way, as I’ve always listened to music at tournaments and that’s never been a problem. DO’D has some songs but also some spoken bits, and I found I could listen to both easily, because even his non-musical stand-up is still structured a bit like a music album. It’s a track off an album, not an hour-long comedy set.

And that brings me to the other thing I wanted to write about. So, I’ve been struggling a bit with the number of things that get accepted when I don’t think they should be. I won’t go into great detail, but see my paragraph about the complaints people made in a coaches’ meeting for a general idea. My friends and I used to things of ourselves, quite grandiosely, as fighting some sort of noble battle against corruption. We used say – jokingly, ironically, but not completely ironically – that we were the revolution, coming in as younger people to change the culture. We had this running joke about a particular brand of whiskey being “the whiskey of the revolution” (Jim Beam Black, in case anyone wants to know), because we first drank it after this big provincial AGM in 2017 where we’d passionately yelled at some people and lobbied for votes for new board members who might change things. This year, my friend picked up a bottle of that on the way to the tournament and said we could celebrate the weekend with the whiskey of the revolution, and I told him the revolution is long dead. It was dying before COVID and it’s definitely dead now.

Things are getting forgotten, my friends are making friends with people who used to be the enemy, saying our sport was gutted so badly by COVID that we can’t afford to be at each other’s throats anymore. Even though, I’d argue, we had good reason to be at each other’s throats before. You know that proverbial wisdom that says holding hate in your heart is bad for your mental health? That may be true in some circumstances, not all. I can hate people who’ve done shitty things, and maybe that doesn’t feel good, but at least I think I’m right. When I have to shake hands and make polite small talk with them, forgive and forget and get over the hatred – then I just end up feeling like I have no principles and hating myself. Which is, you know, maybe not great. But it’s how it is.

I tell that story because, near the end of the first of the three actual competition days, I came across this one Gavin Osborn song and then I decided I wasn’t going to listen to anything else for the rest of the weekend. It was perfect, for the moment. Yesterday there was no actual competition, but my friend had to do a few things at the venue before we drove home, so I took his truck and drove around the city until he was ready to go. I played this song on repeat – literally just this song, over and over, for two hours. I sang along to it alone in the car, and it was awesome. Great way to end a weekend.

This song was such a good antidote to everything else going on. Lately, I’ve been learning to grudgingly accept the general principle that thing change and evolve, and you can’t hold people to everything they said in 2006. But this is a recording of Gavin Osborn, in 2006 (the album came out in 2007, but Kitson was playing this song on his radio show in 2006, I don’t know exactly when it was first written), promising us that he won’t forget the fundamental things he believes, no matter what else changes. And I think it’s true. Which is more than I can say for some Chocolate Milk Gang members – looking at Alun Cochrane here. But Gavin Osborn could not be more different from Alun Cochrane. His 2017 album was a giant ode to Tory-bashing, and his 2022 album still had enough of that to let you know where he stands, in between all the whimsy and the equally heartwarming/heartbreaking stuff about his kids and his father and his friend’s kitchen and it’s a really good album.

Anyway. Here’s the song I played over and over this weekend.

Okay, so. One more thing for this post, which I really hesitate to put in here, and have sort of intentionally buried. I’m behind a cut and a few pages in, hardly anyone is going to read this. Which is why I feel like I can say, I wrote a poem this weekend. For the first time in ages.

I used to write poetry pretty often, and every couple of months I’d send a few poems into this local thing that publishes poetry and pays a small amount of money per poem. I never made any noteworthy amount of money off it or anything, but for a while I was getting a bit, sort of regularly. And then a few years ago I stopped. I think I just got busy, and when COVID hit I stopped being busy but I wasn’t exactly feeling inspired enough to start writing again.

A few months ago, fall 2022, I started really trying to pick it up again. Messing around and trying to write stuff, but I didn’t really get anywhere. I could remember how it used to feel, when ideas would just come to me, but I couldn’t make it happen again. I tried to force it and I wrote a few things, but nothing that I’d be willing to show anyone.

Sharing poetry is hard. I feel like comedy and poetry are two of the hardest art forms to try, because if you do it badly, it’s so bad. There’s nothing more embarrassing than trying to be funny - really clearly admitting you’ve tried to be funny - and failing. Well, nothing except maybe trying to write good poetry and realizing it’s come out like the contents of a fourteen-year-old’s journal. No offense to fourteen-year-olds, by the way. I was once a fourteen-year-old with a journal full of terrible poetry. Also, there are some fourteen-year-olds who can actually write good poetry. “Fourteen-year-old’s journal” isn’t a literal description - it’s more a genre of poetry. A genre that anyone can accidentally fall into just by writing a bad enough poem.

The more earnestly you present something, the worse it is if you do it badly. And you really can’t write poetry ironically. I’ve sometimes put irony into my poetry (not sure I’ve done that well or anything, but I’ve tried), and I’ve enjoyed reading plenty of poems that make use of irony, but that irony is still undercut by the fact that, you know, it’s poetry. It’s the most earnest thing in the world. Stand-up comedy’s the same way. There might be irony in the comedy, but comedy itself isn’t ironic. You can’t say you were just joking by calling this comedy, it isn’t really. You’ve labelled your work as comedy, therefore saying you are genuinely trying to be funny, so you’d better get it right. I think those are the two worst things to get wrong, as no one cringes harder at anything than at fourteen-year-old journal poetry, or a person trying and failing to be funny.

Having said all of that, this weekend was the first time in ages that I’ve written something I’d be willing to show someone, and by “someone”, I mean the very small amount of people who might read several pages into a personal post on my Tumblr blog. I think there actually could be a kernel here that could turn into something I’d send in somewhere that publishes things. The more I look at it, the more I think maybe, in its best version, it would be two different poems. I’m seeing ways I could chop it up and move some things around and maybe split it in two, and turn it into something more polished. But that’s what Tumblr’s for, right? Posting the version of something that I really like, even if it’s not the most polished. Not that this is the “raw” version or anything, I’ve edited it plenty. But so far, all my editing has been to turn it into something I like, not into something someone might want to publish.

It's got a line from a Gavin Osborn song in there, which I think is fine because as long as I say that, it counts as a reference and not as plagiarism. Also, if I did try to do anything else with it, the polishing process would definitely include dropping that line. Partly because it wasn’t written by me, and partly because it’s kind of crowbarred in and doesn’t really work within the poem. But I’m leaving it in here because I really like it. I sort of fear that leaving in a line from a song I like crosses this too far into fourteen-year-old journal territory, but fuck it, what is Tumblr if not a fourteen-year-old’s journal? Also, it’s a Gavin Osborn song. It’s not exactly Evanescence (that’s my reference for what inspires fourteen-year-old journal poetry, imagine your own more up to date reference if you like).

Anyway. I don’t have a title for it yet, but it’s about the event I just attended, so I’ll probably try to come up with some mildly clever way to name it after that. But here’s something I wrote and edited over the course of this weekend, and it’s not great, definitely not the best thing I’ve done, but I actually think it might be sort of not bad.

There are flags, freshly ironed,

planted firmly on the floor.

And there are suits,

mismatched but buttoned up.

A ceiling hung with

There is craving so deep that it creeps

long fluorescent lights.

into fingertips, settles under tongues,

tastes sharp as blood and

The clash of egos on egos

echoes off concrete walls;

like sharpening iron,

And the utter fucking absurdity

friction that sparks when it catches right;

of the collar on my shirt

It feels like a roll call,

at a time like this.

every year, round them up:

There is beauty in still here,

“Who’s still here?”

when the hours come up against years.

Her eyes light up

in the same shade of green

Every single outcome is someone’s

that they did in 2005.

arc, but the narrative won’t always

Sometimes the story is slippery,

give you the satisfaction.

the moral high ground

slides like butter ‘cross ice,

like salt through gleaming hourglass.

But with feet planted firmly on this floor

where nothing else is true,

I watch chancers roll sweat into the ashes

I will always know my red side from my blue.

of a dead revolution,

You know, it’s good to see your

and I wish he’d turned on me too.

smile meet your eyes again.

It slipped through some timelines

but foundation’s still here,

and I just want to live in a world

They have piled more weight

where the hours mean less than the years.

on each ankle, each moment,

They have tried to draw answers

than can be reasonably expected to bear.

from aether, from air;

and they ask for more grace

There are tear-stained battered faces that

than has ever been there.

melt harsh hearts into questions:

That ceiling’s too low to contain

“Did you really not know you were going to win?”

the desperation, elation,

all these fears.

And I’m sitting on the sidelines writing poetry,

as the hours catch up to the years.

[1ndulgences]

hello! i’m writing this in assumption that your match-ups are still open^^ feel free to delete this if they aren’t!!

> just to say it, in case it matters. i identify as female and my pronouns are she/her. i’m bisexual :)

i’ll start this off by saying i absolutely adore animals (especially cats). i literally fall asleep to animal documentaries. two of my favorite past-times are reading and writing. i have shelves of books and so so many pages of little poems and stories i write on my computer. i practice witchcraft, though i wouldn’t necessarily say that i am wiccan. i love crystals and herbs. i enjoy playing video games too.

i’m very shy and quiet around people i’m unfamiliar with due to my anxiety, so it’s difficult for me to open up and pursue friendships. because of this, i’m in my head a lot and i tend to day dream. i’m drawn to aesthetics and i like things with deep meanings. i tend over-analyze a lot of things— whether it’s a song, a story, or something someone says. i’m incredibly sensitive to my surroundings so i can easily read people. i’m a very good listener and i adore it when a person tells me about themselves or their day. generally, i’m very protective of the people i spend time with. i enjoy lightly teasing people but i can get quite bashful when the tables are turned. i get so embarrassed that it’s embarrassing… i love praise and will actively seek it, whether it’s showing someone a poem i’ve just written or a high score i’ve gotten on my favorite game. i’m really sensitive to other’s criticism though, and i can take things deep unless i know that it’s light-hearted or jokes. i like to use big words to make myself appear more intelligent and mature. i cannot stand scary things (DOLLS…) or insects, especially butterflies and bees.

AHH IM SORRY IF THIS IS A LOT i hope this isn’t too overwhelming for you!! if it is, feel free to delete! no hard feelings. regardless, i’m glad to see your blog getting more recognition 🫶 you deserve it

- 🍂

it is not too overwhelming, do not worry—! you gave me much to work with, and i hope i can deliver properly.....! thank you for your kind words and support, dear leafynon....~!

this may be a tad obvious of an answer, but i believe your perfect match would be.....

natsume is drawn in by your quiet nature, but you exude such a mysterious aura that he can't ignore. he is enamoured by you, and how you analyze the world around you so easily. at first, he simply wants to know more about you. someone like you must be hiding something, to be so soft spoken yet so in tune with everything around you. he wants to understand you. he needs to.

being natsume, of course, this means he tends to tease you. he quickly falls for the way you react to his words. whether it be how you perk up at his affirming words, or how you flush when his words poke at you. but do not misunderstand him — he deeply enjoys the long talks you both have, together observing the world and speaking in hushed voices when in class.

as protective as you can be, natsume takes things a step further. brewing potions, casting minor spells, watching your every move for his chance to save you... he makes sure that you are safe no matter what. all of this, and he claims you only to be a friend. a good magician never reveals his secret, hm? you would be used against him or endangered if he let the world knew of his feelings for you. but that certainly does not mean he will relinquish you to anyone else.

he may not be the best at video games, but he has learned a bit from sora. he loves to play with you, because he loves to see how happy you get when beating a level. sometimes, he likes to pretend that he does not ynderstand how to play, just to have you lean closer to explain the controls. or he will throw matches of competitive games so you can win, just so he can see you smile. you are smart, and if you catch onto his act, he will feign ignorance and tease you for being 'insecure', since clearly you are just so good at this game. do not doubt yourself in front of him, okay? he will simply will not accept it! if you do not catch onto the play, he will simply continue to do so since it makes you so happy when you win.

natsume has fallen for you, and he is a stubborn creature of jealousy. if he fears his aloof and playful nature has driven a wedge between you both, he is not above mixing together a strong love potion to bring you back into his arms. if you are hopelessly in love with him, then it would be okay for him to be more open with his own affections... in fact, he may not even wait to do such a thing. after all, that protective necklace he made you... there is an awful lot of rose quartz on it, isn't there?

you are his darling now, and he will never let you go!

#;; event — 50+ followers #;; tag / 🍂 #;; yan #yandere #yandere ensemble stars #;; original #yanderecore #enstars #natsume sakasaki #yandere natsume sakasaki #i loved this first attempt to write natsume...... he is very fun to write.....!!!

[iwaasfairy]

Fairy I need advice... I always get jealous when someone crushes on a fictional character whom I like. As if my chest is going to burst with jealousy and anger. I am very possessive person even in fictional character. I don't want to share my fictional man I simp for with another girl and I know it is a terrible thing. I have this huge!!!! Crush on suna rintarou and atsumu and whenever I see another girl who is also suna or atsumu simp i feel like slice their throat with knife it really makes me angry and wanna curse them.

What should I do?? I don't want to hate anyone but I can't see other girls into my man... how do you feel when someone also crushes on iwazumi?? Do you also feel kinda jealous?? Am i the only one and it is too serious cause I feel like giving them hate anon for simping the characters I love. Should I seek medical help??

Hi lovely ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა i think feeling jealous about someone you allow yourself to care for very deeply (fictional or not) is definitely a natural part of having your faves, but i do think it's one of those things that we should strive to get past. as you mentioned, it's not fun to get angry any time you see a person with the same fav as you, it feels annoying and gross and upsetting to be jealous

so i think it's definitely a good thing to try to get rid of, if only for your own enjoyment of fandom! as for me,, i don't get jealous over iwa. i don't know what or how or why, but for some reason my heart and soul just accepts it as a love that's enough for me and myself, no matter how many people might like him.

but i've had characters i was very attached to and got jealous of once or twice, for sure! definitely if i already dont like the person talking about my fav it happens. and i'm really not jealous often at all, so i think it's just an unavoidable thing that happens sometimes. but it's our duty as well adjusted adults to deal with it without causing a fuss yk? hadjhfgyd

so! if you feel jealous often, it might help to look at it this way. suna or atsumu stans aren't your competition. deny as you might, but these are fictional characters. that means, you can make of them what you want in your head, and they'll still be just as much suna or atsumu as they were. you can, for example, just imagine that no matter who's around- suna/atsumu would only have eyes for you. it might sound self-involved, but if it's just in your head, and you're keeping it to yourself? if it makes you feel less jealous to imagine that you have a big fat ring on your finger? then please, go ahead!

you're allowed to enjoy fandom the way you want, and the way that makes you happy! all i ask is that you keep those thoughts inside yourself, because that's your space. and others might have their other space and way to think, and that's fine too! i find it really helps me to not be jealous whenever i just imagine my fav lovingly glance across the room at me. and no one will ever have to deal with that thought, because it's mine, and i keep it that, yk?

i really hope this helps you even a little my love. i promise you it's worth it to find ways to cope with this jealousy, because i've been there, and i know it doesn't fucking feel good! you can do it i've got all the faith in you ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡

#many many kisses for you my dear #the fact that you can notice that you ARE getting jealous #is already a big step #some people probably don't even realize it and throw a fit and #you dont want to be that person in fandom who can't be friends with someone with the same fav as you #♡♡♡ keep me posted if you feel like it lovely!!! #mWUAH #honey mail