#every time i think abt this i throw up i love queer people so much oh my god i need to stop this sappy shit i swear

[p4nishers]

i still can't believe crowley just. let himself be led by hand to do a silly fiction inspired dance with aziraphale. like that's actually a thing that happened in good omens and im insane about it

#every time i think abt this i throw up i love queer people so much oh my god i need to stop this sappy shit i swear #they actually danced!!! THEY ACTUALLY HELD HANDS AND DANCED AND AZIRAPHALE WAS SO HAPPY AND I CAN'T BELIEVE WE GET TO HAVE THIS #i keep tearing up abt how grateful i am for go s2 and its becoming embarrassing at this point #good omens #azicrow #good omens s2 #aziracrow #aziraphale x crowley #ineffable spouses #go s2 #go s2 spoilers #good omens s2 spoilers

[little-cereal-draws]

ok i see everyone's "ballister and ambrosius as nimona's parents" stuff but i'm going to raise you this

Ballister and Dr. Blitzmeyer as nimona's parents

I know there's the Gay Dad au sanctifying ambrosis as nimona's dad but he seems to get frustrated with Nimona more frequently than Ballister and I kinda got the sense that adopting her was mostly Bal's choice. Don't get me wrong, ambrosius has moments where he enjoys himself and he loves her, but I don't think he's thrilled abt the idea of her being here forever. He gives "good at babysitting but needs to give the child back at a certain point" vibes and obviously he can't do that when it's his kid

However in the Everything Is Fine au (the one where they all live in the cabin in the woods) Blitzmeyer is Nimona's guardian and they move from the city to the woods together, eventually moving in w Bal and Ambrosius.

Besides this au I don't think Blitzmeyer and Nimona ever interact, but I thought it was very interesting how the one time they do, she's also Nimona's guardian (I believe that's the word ND Stevenson uses, not "parent.") Already in this one picture, they look happier than Ambrosius did lol

I'm sure movie ambrosius would be much more willing to try and get to know nimona but what if the sticking point is with her this time? She can't get over what he did to both her and Bal, he reminds her too much of Gloreth, she's still wary of anyone that was that ingrained in the institute, and a million other things. She knows he's really trying and feels bad about everything but bc of all she's been through, she's not quick to trust people who betrayed her. Especially if she's only had bad interactions with them until this point. She avoids/shuts down his attempts to connect with her and is generally closed off and angry when he's there. It's like a kid hating their new stepparent lol Both Bal and Ambrosius know it's nothing personal, just the defense mechanism that's kept her safe from people like ambrosius for so long, but it still hurts. Eventually, he gives up trying to reach out to her and figures maybe she'll come to him or maybe they just won't be as close as he hoped.

Now, Bal's weird science friend is someone more Nimona's speed lol Blitzmeyer has somehow remained almost completely immune to institute propaganda, doesn't really care abt breaking things (the law included) if it can further her work in some way, and is just kooky enough to appeal to Nimona. She lets nimona help in the lab and doesn't mind the million questions she asks because that's just another opportunity to talk abt her work. They go on some adventures getting stuff for Blitzmeyer's experiments and really bond. Eventually they become pretty close and Nimona frequently goes out of her way to see Blitzmeyer.

One night late in the lab, Bal mentions that Nimona really likes her and Dr Blitzmeyer is like "really? no, not that much." And Bal's like "no, really that much. About as much as she likes me actually." And then with creeping awareness they both slowly look at each other with the realization that they're co-parenting now and actually have been for a while. After the initial freak out, they keep going almost like normal but throw in an outing every other month or so. They'll take Nimona for ice cream or some other casual thing and she's none the wiser that they've figured her out. One night as they were coming home from a movie or smth Nimona says, "I'm so glad we did this, I love spending time with my two favorite people." Nimona keeps walking but they have to stop to silently freak out to each other a bit lol

The only problem is that they frequently get mistaken for a nuclear family on these outings. And it doesn't help that Bal and Blitzmeyer often refer to each other as "my partner." (They open a lab together at the end of the comic and I think they would as well after the movie, so they are literally business partners and lab partners. But I like to hc them in a queer platonic relationship as well, so the word "partner" has a double meaning here. Ambrosius is Bal's romantic partner and Blitzmeyer is his platonic partner. They all talked abt it, it's all good.) Every time this happens though, Bal has to explain that they're just friends and he actually has a husband back at home. Some people go "ok, 'just friends,' sure. wink wink nudge nudge ;)" or "ok... does your husband know...? That you... and her...? ok, ok." It makes Bal angry when this happens but neither him or Blitzmeyer cares enough to actually do anything about it. Nimona just laughs at the stranger's confusion at their unconventional family.

Anyway, they're just two friends who somehow found themselves raising a 1000 year old shapeshifter together lol Ambrosius is disappointed Nimona didn't like him as much as he hoped but now he can just stay home and vibe lol

#it's like a Laszlo Guillermo and Nadja situation when it came to raising baby colin. nadja wasn't involved at all and colin was their kid #nimona #nimona headcanon #ballister boldheart #ambrosius goldenloin #meredith blitzmeyer #dr blitzmeyer #nimona comic

[choking-on-ice]

South Park College Headcanons

I lost power for most to the day today, so I sat at a coffee shop and just killed time writing down headcanons for every SP character I could think of.

there's alot of them, but hopefully somebody out there finds these fun

Butters

Gender fluid / non-conforming

Saved up enough to move into dorms away from their parents

Autistic and very gullible still

has learned to stand up for themself and their friends better

Got fed up in senior year and spiked Cartman's drink w/ laxatives and locked him outside at a house party

Ppl secretly fear them a lil after that

Kept their baby face and a bit of chub

Still plays for Stan's death metal band

has a strange relationship w/ Kyle (who's grappling w/ some denied queerness)

still an absolute sweetheart

drinks at parties and smokes w/ friends, even tho everyone assumes they dont

their parents still totally suck

Kenny

revolving door of jobs cuz he gets bored easily, but is always selling weed on the side

Ran into more drug problems through highschool after his troubles cheesing

Went to rehab with Tweek and Stan, got clean, and is closer to them than ever before now

Butters stood by him at the peak of his addiction and now he would (and probably has) jump in front of a bullet for him

Joined the robotics club in HS

Pursuing an engineering degree w/ an academic scholarship

Still works as Mysterion, just w/out the undies over his pants

thinks it's funny to cockblock his friends

is kind of a player, but not a dick abt it

flirts alot, thinks it's fun to flirt w/ Tweek and Butters bc they never grew immune to his BS like the others

the idea of one of them reciprocating any flirting is terrifying to him tho

cuz he has a massive inferiority complex and lives in denial that he has real romantic feelings for anyone

ultimate rizz

Stan

Still fronts his death metal band

hopeless romentic

Bonded w/ Tweek over their crappy home lives when Tweek starts delivering to Tegridy Farm

Grew closer w/ Kenny when he found out he was in the same rehab program as him and Tweek

stronk farmboy, also p tanned which juxtaposes his alt style

Opens up to smoking weed in college now that he's sober

emotionally intelligent

NOT emotionally communicative / available tho

bottles stuff up

only knows how to vent when drunk, then later thru music

Kyle

jaded w/ a chip on his shoulder

prone to knee jerk reactions

throws hands at the drop of a hat

usually throws the first punch

kept playing sports after hs - football in college and basketball recreationally

did debate w/ wendy in HS

still bffs with stan, even tho they dont have many shared hobbies anymore

Craig

autistic

rizzless

doesn't rlly need game tho cuz he's only had eyes for Tweek, and Tweek's a mess

monotone + flat expression intimidates some people

has rep of being an asshole, it's only half true

is considered rebellious, but he just sees it as doing what he wants to do not what other ppl want him to

slow to anger, has never thrown the first punch

grew up to be tall and broad like his father at his age

his dad pushed him into playing football, after HS he only plays bc his friends are on the team and doesn't care much about winning

likes old school indie music, underground shows, and obscure bands, isn't pretentious about it tho

when Kenny tells him about the Tweek's drugging Tweek (and the rest of town) he loses it and has to get talked down from strangling Mr Tweek

Tweek

autistic + adhd

loves deathmetal, hardstyle EDM, death rap, and hardcore music in gen

bonds w/ Stan in late HS as he makes deliveries for the coffee shop up to the farm

Kenny and him are acquainted since Kenny delivers ingerdients to the shop

loves fantasy - LoTR, D&D, etc.

Trans FtM (cuz i am and i project onto my faves lol)

Finds out from Craig and Kenny that his parents have been drugging him w/ meth in the coffee since he was a child

spirals after this and has trouble trusting people, questioning everything and everyone in his life

becomes rlly close w/ Kenny and Stan when they all attend rehab together

moves out before HS even ends, couch surfing for the summer until he can move into the dorms

sobering up lets him gain some weight and he begins to look less sickly

I have more on the other characters, but I have arthritis and typing this much killed my fingers already. Hope u enjoyed if u got this far

#south park #south park headcanons #south park tweek #south park kenny #craig tucker #butters stotch #kyle broflovski #stan marsh #sp stan #sp kyle #sp kenny #sp tweek #sp craig #sp butters #creek #sp creek #sp bunny #sp twenny #sp kenjorine #sp marjorine #headcanon #sp headcanons #south park characters

[original-character-championship]

Bracket H Round 1

Poll 24

Skitt & Ena & Olive (@bootsieboots) vs. Apricity Nix (@decapod-appreciator)

495. Skitt & Ena & Olive (@bootsieboots)

skitt usez any, ena usez they/it/she (bc of her eczema), and olive usez he/they

The TL;DR 4 them is that theyre little fucked up guys living in a circus 2gether. Skitt is a repressed traumatized clown amphibian, Olive is a sweet jackalope who acts like an asshole as a defense mechanism, and Ena is a chaotic little shithead w a short fuse, whos actually secretly the mom friend. I like to put them in2 situations in my head and then never write said situations down. Also theyre all aspec and trans.

Skitt:

he is simply a little guy! (puts him thru the horrors puts him thru the horrors p) Oh, hes a bit fucked up actually.

-a mishmash of basically any amphibian features i think r cool! It is also a clown! Isnt that silly? Well its actually 4 trauma reasons. Lol. lmao.

-has rejection sensitive dysphoria and wants every1 2 love him so much all the time. Cries and throws up when it inevitably doesnt work out.

-ADHD!

-super in2 fashion and makeup. Can u guess why? Trauma reasons, of course! Honestly most of her hobbies r rooted in wanting 2 escape something.

-i cant think of anything else non-spoilery 2 put here. Uhm. ze really likes bubble baths and swimming.

Olive:

A little skrunkly autismic sourpuss. He wishes that he cud b more sincere w people sometimes, but every past attempt has been met w people shutting them down, in 1 way or another. The only person in the world he feels even mildly comfortable around is Ena (and later on in the story, Skitt).

-acts like an asshole around most people bc theyre used 2 being seen as one. And by asshole, i mean a little quiet, sulking, wet cat in a corner of the room who makes angy faces at any1 who invades their space.

-mute! This is bc bunnies do not have vocal chords. Communicates thru sign language and annoyed noises. Screams when overstimulated. Yes, bunnies can scream, just not using vocal chords. There r also other sounds they can make! (mostly annoyed sounds. He does purr as well! Just like a real bunny)

-very in2 music. Plays the harmonica and other woodwind instruments that r easy 2 steal. Can they play good? Uhm. havent decided yet actually.

-has a sort of heart shaped facial scar and a broken antler he got from entirely mundane causes (antler is permanently broke, dont question how that works bc i dunno).

-very incredibly touch averse, only tolerates Ena’s touch. theyre also fat and very fluffy! Great 4 cuddling! But he wont let u. Sorry.

Ena:

Money gremlin!!! Chaotic anarchist motherfucker!!! Probably owes u money! Is currently being gay doing crime. In this world, 1 does not have to pay/steal 2 survive, but Ena does it anyways 2 fuck shit up and stir the pot.

-escaped from a shitty orphanage w Olive.

-horrible anger issues. If Olive is a sourpuss, Ena is a bomb waiting 4 an excuse 2 go off. This is bc in the orphanage, they learned that no 1 wud listen 2 them unless they scratched and fought and clawed and bit and punched. (and shocked!). Shes generally chill tho, just, its easy 2 get on her bad side.

-sorta the therapist friend, bc its good at telling ppl what they want 2 hear. Her charismatic attitude also helps when scamming people.

-uses prosthetics! In this world, aquatic animals r given the ability 2 stay on land 4 extended periods of time via prosthetics! Want 2 know more? Ask me :>

-basically blind. Electric eels have awful eyesight, and shes no exception! She can only see bright lights and colors. They use electrolocation 2 get around. (please ask me what it is if u dont know, i am v happy 2 infodump abt anything oc related!)

Remember kids, a vote 4 my ocs is a vote 4 disability, queerness, anarchy, the found family trope, little guys being put in situations therye entirely unequipped for, furries, and much more!

Skitt has a triangular dress with purple and yellow split colors, and purple leggings. Pointy, slender legs. A long pointed yellow hat with a little green thingy on top (idk what to call it). Blue eyes with froglike pupils. Minty-green, short, curly hair. A classic clown makeup look (off-white facepaint, a clown nose, and pennywise-esque makeup lines going from the bottom of his eyebrows to the sides of his mouth.

Olive is a jackalope with short, olive/forest green hair swooping over one eye. His eyes are the same color as his hair. Most of their fur is darkish brown, while his belly, his inner thighs, and lower left arm is beige. their right arm, lower legs, and the top of their ears are black. Only wearing black arm warmers thanks to sensory issues.

Ena is a vaguely pirate-themed girlie. Dark brown skinned, with grey arms and greyish legs. Big thicc tail. Mostly black hair. Tattered black shorts and an even more tattered, dark green crop top. Has red eyes and a red sash tied around its waist. Lots of little spots all over their skin. lazy-eyed.

496. Apricity Nix (@decapod-appreciator)

she/her

she's a werewolf she's aroace she stalks people on accident. she didn't know what a crime was until the police went after her. her best friends are a supervillan and a failed actress. she thinks she would make a good detective (she wouldn't). she's fun and friendly and sweet but still a fully thought out character. she runs away from her abusive home to find her sister and in the process finds a whole new family. she even takes down the government.

Pris is a short, pale girl with  black hair styled to look like wolf ears. she has brown eyes with diagonal red pupils and a bit of a snaggle tooth on one side.

#oc championship #tournament poll #round 1 #bracket h #495 skitt & ena & olive #496 apricity nix

[steveniskewl444]

yo yo this is my first post on the hellsite. so hello hi, my name is Steve (you can call me Steven tho), I am 18 (bodily 17), my pronouns are he/him (I’d prefer you just use my name, sometimes I just don’t feel like pronounce), I am arospec and homosexual with an exclusive attraction to men — based on their gender ofc, don’t care abt your down there — and enbies who are man-aligned or whatever. i don’t feel too much romantic fluff and am not into it, but i’m still positive about romance overall.

here are some of my stances, takes, some stuff abt me in general idk, to help you out in (not) interacting with this blog muahaha:

gays should have the exact amount of rights as straights, but preferably we should be liberated from shitty heternormative society

i hate cancel culture, but i love people being taken accountable. don’t police others for liking a “problematic” person, just point out if they’re a dick sucker.

i hate terminally online shit so much pls don’t bring your terminally online bullshit on this blog. YOU WILL BE IGNORED AND/OR BLOCKED.

people whose sexual action is being into children or into animals shouldn’t be here. you all make me throw up.

don’t come here if you unironically say “slayyyy” or “you ate 🤪” or any other white queer appropriation of AAVE every 5 seconds. you can say “slay” or any other AAVE phrase, but if your skin looks like milk and not like espresso coffee, then you’re on thin ice.

people who are like “umm bi lesbeans aren’t real 🥺🥺🥺” who gives a shit who gives a shit WHO GIVES A SHIT??? don’t come here if you’re like that.

people who are against the ocean turian/uranian flag (don’t care + didn’t ask + white + L + ratio) shouldn’t come here at all. i could give less of a fuck. uranians be damned, THE FACT WE HAVE FLAGS OF OUR OWN IS ENOUGH. SHUT UP ALREADY AND ADMIT THAT ENBIES CAN LIKE BLUE TOO, WHY DO YOU GENDER COLORS? or “nooo they stole it from lesbans 🥺🥺🥺” WHO GIVES A FUCK ?????!!!!??? ITS FINE TO TAKE INSPIRATION Y’ALL + THE POINT IS THAT THEY MATCH YOU BITCHES

i am, generally speaking, a leftist. I appreciate this whole idea of workers owning the means of production but not only. I also appreciate this one thing, it begins with an A, arachnids or something, idk. oh, anarchy!! that one!!! yeah, if you’re a hardcore ML, maybe this isn’t the place for you.

I am Christian so please don’t disrespect my religion. I am not practicing but I still believe in my Lord Jesus Christ, for only He can save me from this hellhole. i think he’s fine with homosexuals too, the Bible generally condemned pederasty (the totally not MAP act of older men having sex with younger twinks during the Ancient era, which ofc is a stupid as fuck practice!!!), NOT HOMOSEXUAL BEHAVIOR BETWEEN TWO CONSENTING ADULTS HOLY FUCK !!!! Plus if y’all don’t allow us to marry, am I supposed to forever not fuck a man?!?? (no sex before marriage y’all!!)

if you’re younger than, idk, the age of consent in most European countries, you shouldn’t be on this blog. I may post some… slightly NSFW stuff from time to time. (NOT an NSFW blog tho!!!!)

anyone who says “fiction doesn’t affect reality 🤓” or “fiction doesn’t affect reality 1:1 🤓” is a mindless zombie who can’t be critical of what they consume and tolerate the fucked up portrayal of… MAP behavior, of Catholic priest behavior, ya know, in a “haha this is good quirky soooo romantic woowww 🤪🤪🤪” way, and you shouldn’t even look at me in the eyes. yes, you know yourselves.

I LOVE MUSCULAR MEN!!!! I LOVE JACKED UP MEN WHO ARE MASCULINE JUST LIKE I AM!!!! I LOVE MEN WHOSE MUSCLES ARE HUGE!!!! I LOVE FIT MEN!!!! MEENNNNNNNNN!!!!!!

I love a bit of footy, a bit of pop music (ya know, Katy Perry, Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga, that shit slaps and is not for effeminate twinks or white valley girls only), I love Kumalala especially, I uhh love linguistics, I love many things… except for love itself 😌.

Anyhow ahoy, i hope y’all will… tolerate me i guess. host calls me “problematic” and has beef with me, tell @anarchobasil they’re wrong whenever they shit talk abt me pls. When I say “probelmatic” stuff I am ironic 99.9% of the time. I am a very huge ally for everyone, don’t care. and uhhh that’s it????

[handsmotif]

The Queercoding of Pinky and the Brain

This originally was just me infodumping to my friends on discord, but I decided it might be interesting to some people on here, so I polished it up and made it an actual essay lmao

To start, we’re going to break this into 2 sections -- the relationship between the mice, and Pinky’s relationship with gender, because queercoding doesn’t just mean gay!

For a 90′s show, Pinky and the Brain (and its mother show, Animaniacs) was very progressive for its time! But there were still lots of things that they couldn’t slip by censors, and thus, that’s where we have to read between the lines. And that is something I wanted to clarify here before we dive in, the actual meaning of queercoding. It’s NOT the same as queerbaiting. Queerbaiting is when the people producing certain media purposefully dangle the possibility of queer representation to lure in audiences (most prominent examples are BBC Sherlock, Riverdale, and Supernatural I GUESS? who knows abt that last one anymore), but never follow through, purely for profit. Queercoding is when media producers WANT to write in queer representation, but can’t, usually because the censors won’t let them. So, they must resort to subtext. (example: the policemen from Gravity Falls) It could also be unintentional, simply assigning certain characteristics associated with the LGBT community to characters. (example: Bugs Bunny, many Disney villains) Either way, it heavily relies on the audience picking up subtext, but whether it’s malicious or not varies, depending on the media. Bugs Bunny is an example of positive accidental queercoding, while a lot of Disney villains are negative examples.

Now, to actually discuss the gay little mice! Pinky and the Brain, whether it be intentional or not (based off comments from Maurice LaMarche, Rob Paulsen, and Tom Ruegger, signs strongly point to intentional, but it’s never been explicitly confirmed), is an example of positive queercoding.

There are many moments that I could pick out to discuss here, but we’ll start with some VERY on the nose gay metaphors. 

Remember Romy? If you don’t, that’s their actual biological son! Romy came about due to a cloning accident, where their DNA got combined and spat him out. 

There’s SO many things I could say about Romy. Every appearance he makes has an overarching gay metaphor as the plot. His first appearance in the episode Brinky (yeah it’s literally titled their ship name), it deals with his dads (WHICH I ALSO WANT TO POINT OUT, he DOES call them both dad, and they do both call him their son) disapproving of the fact that he wants to leave home and not follow in their footsteps of taking over the world. Brain even goes as far as disowning him whenever he tells him, which is certainly something a lot of queer people can unfortunately relate to. Also seen a lot in this episode is Pinky and Brain arguing even more than a married couple than usual, which pushes Romy away even further. Later, when Romy eventually does leave, and Brain starts to regret chasing him away, he tries desperately to reach out to him, but Romy doesn’t want anything to do with him. They end up tracking him down to an apartment building, where Romy is now living with his human girlfriend. When questioned about their relationship, the girlfriend, named Bunny, goes off on a tangent about how people shouldn’t judge others based on labels or relationships (hello?), and that Brain needs to be more tolerant. Brain apologizes and Romy forgives him. Happy ending.

Romy’s only other appearance is in the comics. Essentially, the plot of this one is that Brain wants to become the president of the local high school’s PTA, but he needs Romy’s help to make it look like he has a normal home life. He also enlists the help of Billie, the obligatory Woman introduced to make sure Brain doesn’t look as gay as he actually is, that he has a crush on. She pretends to be his girlfriend, and Pinky pretends to be Romy’s uncle, while they make up the story that Romy’s actual mother was lost at sea. Because if the organization found out that Brain has a son with a MAN??? THINK of the controversy! Anyway, the plan works, and Brain actually manages to get elected as president. Throughout this though, Pinky gets WEIRDLY jealous that Brain keeps brushing him aside for Billie. To the point where during Brain’s inauguration, Pinky actually dresses up as the wife/mother lost at sea and storms into the room.

[ID: Comic panels of Pinky, Brain, and Romy on stage at the inauguration ceremony. Pinky busts into room wearing drag, saying, “Yoo hoo! I’m back from years lost at sea to be with my son and ungrateful husband! Narf!” He then hugs Romy, while glaring at Brain. He goes on to say, “I’ll stand by your side, even though you left me behind!” The people in the audience begin to question this, saying, “Oh great fuzzy bangs!”, “What’d she say?!”, “He deserted her to be with that other woman!”, “What kind of monster is he?!”. Brain then rips off Pinky’s wig and says, “This isn’t my wife! This isn’t even a woman! It’s my roommate, Pinky.” Pinky replies, “Well, yes... But Romy really is my son! Poit!” And Brain responds, “N-Nonsense! He’s my son!” More people in the audience angrily speak up, saying, “What’s that?”, “He lives with a guy who likes to dress up in women’s clothing and the both claim to be that kid’s father!”, “Grumble! Mutter!” /END ID]

Needless to say, this doesn’t end well for them. What we can conclude from this is that homophobia exists in the Pinky and the Brain universe, and our characters are directly affected by it.

Moving on, And-There-Was-Only-One-Bed is a pretty common occurrence with these two. Their cage is big, they have plenty of room for two beds, but? They choose to sleep together? Even in some times where this has been inconsistent and they DO have separate beds, they’re always RIGHT next to each other. (what if we put our minecraft beds together ❤😳)

I would like to mention the episode, You’ll Never Eat Food Pellets In This Town Again! This episode is interesting to say the least. Deals with a lot of the meta of the show. Anyway. In this episode, Brain has a nightmare that he’s in a loveless marriage with Billie. You know, the woman he’s supposed to have a crush on. In the end, he wakes up from the nightmare in the same bed as Pinky.

Speaking of female love interests, Pinky is seen having multiple relationships with characters of different species. Any time this is brought up by Brain, Pinky counters with Brain being too intolerant. An honorable mention with this is in Wakko’s Wish, when Pinky is with Pharfignewton, and Brain’s constant pestering about their relationship could be read as jealousy. Pinky needs a mousy date, after all!

Something else I would like to mention is in one episode (I forget what it’s called, I’ll try to look it up later and edit this), Brain is applying for a job. The employer asks Brain if he’s married, and Brain hesitates before saying he “has a roommate,” but that he’s occupied with his own things, which then cuts to a shot of Pinky applying lipstick.

Leading into part two of this essay, Pinky’s relationship with gender! Pinky has always been very gender nonconforming, and loves to wear dresses, do his makeup, and make himself look pretty. For the most part, this is played pretty straight, and not as a gag, like a lot of shows tend to do! It’s just a casual fact about him that he likes to present femininely sometimes.

This does play into their taking over the world plans pretty often, where Pinky wears drag, usually either to sneak into somewhere. Like in one of their earliest appearances on Animaniacs, Noah’s Lark, where they pose as a couple to board Noah’s, and I quote, “love boat.” After boarding, Noah says to himself, “Who am I to judge?” Okay. Yeah. Alright. Anyway.

I actually had less to say on this than I thought I did, but I wanted to make sure to emphasize that Pinky at the very least is coded as being Not Quite Cis, and that he’s played a key part in helping a lot of people watching the show figure out that they’re also Not Quite Cis. 

Wrapping this up because I’m hungry, but I want to throw in some more honorable mentions that I really do not see any type of cishet explanations for:

They literally go on a romantic date at a very fancy restaurant in Brain’s Night Off. This is played extremely casually, and the only remark from anyone that they receive is that they are “much smaller than the usual clients.”

Pinky, on at least one occasion, daydreams about him and Brain being a married couple, and wanting to be a housewife (the original malewife ❤)

There’s an issue in the comics where Pinky has a crush on another male mouse, and when Brain gets annoyed, Pinky reassures him that he thinks Brain is cute and quite the catch too

Brain attempting to kiss Pinky in the reboot??????

Brain actually did conquer the world once in the Halloween special, because Pinky made a deal with the devil for it, and thus Pinky got sent to hell! Brain actually went to hell and gave up the world to bring him back

Brain was extremely close to conquering the world once more in the Christmas special, but after reading what Pinky’s feelings for him were (nothing romantic, just Pinky basically just praising Brain for being so hardworking and an amazing mouse, and lamenting that he never gets anything for it), he gets so emotional that he sabotages himself and wishes everyone a Merry Christmas instead

TLDR; these mice are very queer and need therapy, and are probably the most heavily queercoded characters that I can think of in children’s media.

#animaniacs #pinky and the brain #patb #brinky #FLOPS ON THE FLOOR this took a long time to write

[jaynovz]

tell us more abt the hannibal and black sails parallels pls

Okay, first off, I am so sorry this took so long!! I’ve been moving and shit has been so busy.

Second, yay!! This question. Now I have an excuse to ramble.

Okay so, the two shows do have a lot of similarities. The big one you notice right off the bat is that both have an extremely codependent relationship at the center. 

There are a ton of ways the Flint-Silver and Hannibal-Will relationships parallel, like, they both talk about melding minds with another person, being monstrous, reveling in being monstrous, being made complete by an unlikely source, personas/playing roles/person suits, knowing yourself more completely next to another person, darkness as a source of freedom, something beyond choice/being drawn inexorably into a person’s destructive orbit and being forever changed by it. They deal with the nature of truth, both have supernatural elements, both have religious imagery connected to one half of the ship (Flint and Hannibal both compared to god). 

Also, both shows end with an impossible choice and, ostensibly, tragedy; and they both have open endings that are interpretable based on what you want to believe. 

But at a certain point, the similarities end and the two shows veer off from each other. Namely, the dynamics between the two ships are fundamentally different in a lot of ways, and it's more interesting to look at the ways in which they don't parallel. At the end of the day, the biggest one is that Silverflint is not anywhere near as destructive, whereas for Hannigram, mutual self-destruction is sort of the name of the game. Silverflint may be as codependent but I think the important addition of either Madi or Thomas or (ideally) both, helps make the relationship a lot healthier. If they would actually just talk to each other and work some shit out, it could be great. This is of course contingent on whether you think one or the other could compromise. (The compromise being that they come to some middle ground between Flint giving up the big picture Cause for personal happiness, or Silver throwing in genuinely with the idea of revolution and it being worth the risk of the people most important to him.) The end tragedy of Black Sails sets us in a spot where it doesn’t seem like either Flint or Silver are willing to do so, but perhaps one or the other could grow and change (with helpful mediation, as stated.)

Whereas Hannigram, well. It’s rooted from the very beginning in gaslighting, manipulation, and a completely skewed power balance. It’s absolutely like, this person has done so much bad shit to you, they’ve killed people you love, they’ve sent people to kill you, they’ve lied to you, isolated you, made you fundamentally doubt what kind of person you are etc. But still, you literally can’t cut them out of your life because nothing is ever going to compare to the experience of having them around even if it’s, most often, largely a negative influence. Like, damn. So dark, so unhealthy. They’re the zero-sum game. 

For Will it’s: you love this terrible, terrible thing and you hate yourself for loving it, but also can’t deny it and it makes you feel alive. And for Hannibal, Will’s really the only person who can understand and accept him, but also is uniquely positioned to be able to lie to him, manipulate him in return, and be his utter ruin. They both tried to cut each other out and it didn’t work. So, can’t live with him and can’t live without him. That’s why we end with a cliff dive (impossible choice), Will can’t abide the thought that this thing that is objectively terrible, this ugly thing, is the thing he wants desperately, but he also can’t give it up. So it’s like, “let me try to do my last little bit to society by throwing both our asses off of this cliff b/c we’re both terrible.” Will is so interesting b/c he is at all times living in both the dark and the light and has trouble reconciling these opposing drives. It’s a function of his magic empathy.

(I think they’re metaphorical cliffs also b/c like.... there are no cliffs in Maryland jsyk. What is it with these shows that I like and Metaphorical Cliffs. Edit: I have been corrected there are some cliffs in Maryland but they're not as absurdly high as the ones in Hannibal.)

Anyway, let’s do the one-to-one and talk about Empathy and my Mirrorball boys first. Silver and Will are both extremely good at reading people, seeing what they most need to be, and shapeshifting into it. They both have the ability to shrug on different personas as easy as changing clothes. HOWEVER, the way in which they view this ability is very different. For Will, it’s a curse, he literally cannot turn it off, can’t stop himself from doing it, and it torments him. And I think for Silver, he also does it unconsciously and can’t help himself, but it’s not a torment in the same way. It’s rooted in survival and is an acquired skill that a very intelligent mind learned in order to stay alive. Though I would say they could commiserate on their mirrorball tendencies getting them into trouble/in over their heads.

As for Flint and Hannibal parallels? Well Hannibal is the unrepentant monster who revels in wickedness and largely views the rest of humanity as inferior. He’s having an absolutely excellent time murdering and cannibalizing folks, and the only real thorn in his side is Will Graham and his inability to kill Will b/c Hannibal loves him. 

I think Hannibal is the absolute beast that Flint fears himself to be. And though both are presented as the “destructive orbit” or “intoxicating presence” and both perpetrate great violence... well they’re on opposite ends of the spectrum as far as how they view those behaviors. Flint is drowning in guilt constantly, hates that he has to be this monster, the persona of the dread pirate Captain, and that he’s losing more and more of his humanity every time he does some heinous shit. Whereas Hannibal is a “happy little duckling,” literally feels zero guilt about his heinous acts. Hannibal’s playacting a real man in a lot of ways while Flint is playacting a monster. So, Flint wears a monster suit and Hannibal wears a person suit.

Anyway, I could go on and on about this. The way they use supernatural elements, the way characters embed multiple meanings in subtextual dialogue, how well quotes from Silverflint can transfer to Hannigram and vice versa. Oh the way each show deals with like, queer issues, disability issues. etc etc ad infinitum

But I’ll let this be it for now, lol. If you wanna hear me ramble more, let me know~

THANKS AGAIN FOR ASKING. 

#fictionandmusic #thoughts #hannibal #black sails #hannibal spoilers #black sails spoilers #hannibal/blacksails

[naamahdarling]

Tell! Us! more! Abt! Your! Gf! ( if u dont mind that is) It makes me all warm inside🥰

Oh my god. Bear. Bear is amazing.

I know people are always like "oh my partner is so funny and smart!" and like, you gotta understand that is indubitably true because of course it is. And she's also just cute as heck. But let me explain to you that she is kind. Kind like stealing a sick and starving kitten off someone's porch, kind like always having money for the guys on the highway off-ramps, kind like I come out of the studio and find her crying because a horse dies on her 911 People Are Dying show, kind like treating every human being with whom she interacts with kindness and respect and compassion, kind like I didn't know could all be in the same person. I'm not describing it very well. It's profound.

I was raised in a dysfunctional family and then went straight to a difficult relationship, and while none of those people ever meant me ill, and all loved me dearly, I still had never been on the receiving end of kindness in this way.

I honestly spent the first 4 years of my relationship with her taking it in. Like something so big you can't really understand it. Like looking at the night from a dark sky site when you don't know the names of the stars, and think maybe even if you did know some you couldn't find them because there are so many. So you just stare at the sky and feel its presence and you're like "Wow, that's real, and I am somehow real, and looking at it, and I don't understand it but I know I love it and I never want to look away."

So you just lie there eating Twizzlers and hoping the park patrol doesn't come throw you out because curfew was like 3 hours ago and wondering idly if you'll have chigger bites in the morning but not caring enough to see if your socks are pulled up. You just lie there and take it in.

And after a while of going out there and dodging park rangers you learn some stars, you get a grip on the shape of it. Maybe you learn about the Orion nebula where stars are born, or about how Vega used to be the polestar, not Polaris. But you never stop being amazed by it.

She is like that. Not just her kindness but her whole constellation.

I love the shit out of her, it is absolutely wild. Didn't know I could feel this way. And man, how I used to hate romance.

I don't know if I care for it still, actually, but I love it with her, because she loves it. So I say romantic things and I do romantic things and it feels RIGHT and I treat her like an equal and a friend but also like the most precious gift in the world, like something you cannot believe someone trusted you with, because that's what she is.

I am an atheist. An a-the-ist. And she has come [this close] to changing my mind because touching her feels like Grace. But I know that the universe made her out of the same stardust as me, like super-randomly, and the miracle that we should meet is bigger than anything I read about in the Bible, so I don't know if God really enters into it. Like, there have been sooo many sacred kings, but she's the only one of her. Ever. Isn't that absolutely crazy? Isn't that the most unlikely thing you have EVER heard?

I'm not fucking around, I love her to death. I love her so much that if someone harassed us on the street for being just incandescently queer, I would just walk away from that juicy fight because she hates conflict and would probably be upset and maybe scared and I wouldn't want to leave her alone. I think about it a lot, I picture it. We get in our sensible Honda and drive away and get Dairy Queen. She didn't tame me or anything. I evolved like a fucking Pokemon, and the world be willing, someday I will evolve into someone as good as she is.

I cannot emphasize enough: I didn't think I would ever get to have this. I have multiple mental health diagnoses and am disabled. I will never have a job or work. I'm a divorcee. I'm queer. I'm fat and have bad skin. I don't cook. I make fucking awful jokes all the time. I didn't expect to find anyone, let alone...like...HER. I had no hope. But I got it. Because love is real, and by god it may take its time coming but when it does it's fundamentally life altering and almost incomprehensibly beautiful.

I could seriously talk about it for hours. I WILL if you ask me or let me. I am quiet about it mostly (barring the last few days) but it's a significant part of my life, and with all of this shit going on, it's kind of highlighted how much I NEED to be with her forever.

#relationship stuff #by me

[subtlereferencetomyinterests]

Master Post

My Master Post for Sanders Sides fanfiction! These are arranged chronologically from newest to oldest, measured by the date they were completed and uploaded in full, so that will reflect the quality here. (there’s a ton more under the cut btw).

Fast Friends - ao3... (15k Remus-centric intruality, lopsided enemies to friends to lovers, humor and a bit of angst with a happy ending. tw; emetophobes beware!) Patton doesn't like Remus, until one day, he does! Well, Remus isn't buying it. So Remus is not about to be friends with him just because he wants to (no matter how much it maybe, kind of wouldn't mind that).

I’m Not Sorry - ao3... (6k remus-centric intrulogical. continuation of Did You Miss Me. Dead Dove: Do Not Eat.)  Remus just wanted to get home safe to his wonderful, loving boyfriend. If some greaseball guy thinks he can screw that up, then Remus is perfectly willing to let the night take a turn for the vengeful.

Redamancy - ao3... (5k romantic prinxiety, fluffy friends to lovers with a smidgen of misunderstanding.) Virgil is undoubtedly excited about Nico. The thing is, that’s not the only person he’s excited about. 

Did You Miss Me? - ao3... (13k romantic intrulogical, unhealthy relationship and mutual stalking treated light-heartedly. Dead Dove: Do Not Eat). Logan and Remus haven’t spoken in years. But that doesn’t stop them from keeping up with each other, through... various means. 

The Down (and up)-side of Individual Expression - ao3... (8k romantic logince, angst w/ a happy ending, prosey and dealing w/ some kinda touchy subject matter vis a vis body image). As the sides have taken on vastly differing appearances over the years, Roman and Logan find themselves incredibly attracted in body and mind to each other. The issue is, Logan still has some trouble believing it.

Tree Bark and Fresh Fruit - ao3... (Fusion AU part six! romantic royality fusion returns for some prose and a lil bit of h/c). Patron doesn't come around often, getting lost in the excitement of Patton and Roman's new romantic relationship- so when she gets a shot to exist again, he's determined to make the most of it by figuring out just what the heck he's supposed to be. 

Bitter Licorice and Bright-Blue Bubblegum - ao3... (Fusion AU part five! analogical fusion is back!)  Logan and Virgil end up fusing much more regularly, much to Livril's satisfaction at getting to exist, and virtually every other side's chagrin at having to put up with them. Everyone, it seems, but Patton.

Scary Monsters and Family Bonds - ao3... (Fusion AU part four! Platonic anxceitmus with romantic dukeceit, short and mostly meaningless.) Rennet, freshly born like five seconds ago, is desperate to find some people to bother and/or amaze. But instead, Rennet finds an attachment that nobody quite expected to be so intense, but hey, it's not complaining, and neither is Virgil. 

Acceptable Behavior - ao3... Remus is surprisingly concerned about his boyfriend's boundaries. (short & sweet intruality drabble. p/ much just cuddling)

On Truth and Untruth - ao3... Janus is allowed to participate in the group, and that is more than enough for them. Not too bad of a change up, really, and they aren't going to complain about it any time soon. Patton, however, insists on throwing a wrench into their system- their perfectly functioning, if maybe hypothetically a bit lonely, system. (28k word janus-centric romantic moceit and platonic dlampr, lots of angst and lots of yearning, with a happy ending. something of a character study.)

I Taste Honey but I Haven’t Seen the Hive - Chap.1, Chap.2, Chap.3, Chap.4, Chap.5, Chap.6, Chap.7, Chap.8, Chap.9 - ao3... (Finished!) Patton doesn't think of himself as misunderstood. More accurately, he's not very good at explaining himself. Remus explains himself perfectly well, succinct, confident. People are just bad at listening. Patton is lonely. He'd never say it out loud. No one knows. Remus is lonely. He says it in everything he does. No one knows. They're similar. They're different as can be. Contradictory, maybe; complimentary, definitely. They could be good for each other- they just need to explain it right. (hurt/comfort, eventual queer-platonic intruality, a healthy amount of angst).

Sharp Spikes and Glamour - ao3... (part three of my Fusion AU! a little angstier and racier than the others, but that’s thanks to the dukeceit dynamic, and its nothing too bad). Now, just a month ago, Remus could very confidently say that his and Janus’ relationship was perfect. And it still was, really, but that was before Roman and Patton had pulled some cartoon fusion bullshit that exactly no one had known was possible. There was no question. Remus was going to learn to do that.

Squishy, Precious Lil’ Baby! - ao3...  Very short, platonic intruality fluff. Remus turns into a rat for a scare, but Patton is very unafraid of him in the new form.

Black Cloth and Star Systems - ao3...   (Almost 4k fluff, part two of my Fusion AU! Very heavy on the descriptions, and also the Love that these two Have.) After Patton and Roman fuse, Logan can't help but feel desperately curious about this new discovery, and the possibilities of fusion between sides. But, his interest is a little more personal than he could stand to admit... Because what if- what if he could try it, too?

more under the cut

Flare Up - ao3... Human au drabble. Romantic sleepxiety. They are soft and in the rain.

Soft Walls and Roses - ao3... (Part one of my Fusion AU! Fluffy, sweet, and prose-y. Abt 3k.) On a nice, cheery day, Roman and Patton get a little lost in a dance <3.

Communication Issues (Alternative Title: Three Touch-Starved, Insecure, Metaphysical Beings Constantly Misinterpreting Each Other and Yet Somehow Falling in Love)- Chap.1, Chap.2, Chap.3, Chap.4 + Epilogue - ao3... (Finished!)  What do you do when you find someone crying, and it’s all your fault? What do you say when you hear the muffled sobs and frantic words behind the blood-red door? When you know that, no matter how much you never wanted to hurt him- never wanted to hurt anyone- you still did. Is there anything you can do to fix it, when you’ve spent so long pretending that nothing was broken? When you’ve spent so long pretending that you didn’t care if things were broken or not? (Second Person, Present Tense. H/C slowburn. romantic analogince. Note: this is not an ‘x reader’ fic, it’s just 2nd person pov.)

A Study in the Pains of Romance as a Genre - ao3... Logan wasn’t 'insecure', by most measures. Sure, he wasn't exactly in love with himself, but he knew the harm that came of self-deprecation, and was careful to avoid it. At the worst of times, he could solidly be called 'self-neutral'. Therefore, it followed that Logan was being entirely objective when he said that he would not be a good enough romantic partner for Roman. (Friends to Lovers, abt 4k, romantic logince).

I Like You, Say It Back. - ao3... Short, sweet, slightly angsty first ‘I Love You’ between Virgil and Remus. romantic dukexiety.

A Misplaced Imbalance of Fear - ao3... almost 7k friends to lovers fastburn, in that this happens in a day. Set during/right after Putting Others First, a little peak into what Virgil and Remus were doing. Hint; being a little sad and very gay. romantic dukexiety.

The Ballroom - ao3... Every side has a room, but they also come with a special domain, completely individualized to each one. Of these Extensions, the only room that no side (other than its owner) has ever seen is Janus’. At least, until he falls head-over-heels for Roman and finally lets him in. (romantic roceit).

Hypothetically, - ao3... Nearly 7k friends to lovers, with a hearty helping of platonic logince. Logan likes to use the Imagination for experiments, but he can’t manage to use it on his own. The solution is obvious. (romantic intrulogical).

No Other Version of Me - ao3... Patton isn’t very happy about his new froggy features, but Janus finds him gorgeous all the same. Hurt/comfort! romantic moceit.

Complexities Unknowable- Chap.1, chap.2, chap.3, chap.4, chap.5, chap.6, chap.7 - ao3... (Finished!) Slowburn with pre-established Dukeceit, rivals to friends to lovers, with Background Analogince (plus some platonic anxceit and Creativitwins thrown in for funsies). romantic deintruality.

I’d Like To Stand By Him - ao3... Roman and Virgil listen to each other’s playlists. romantic prinxiety.

An Open and Honest Conversation About Our Feelings - ao3... hurt/comfort, shamelessly self-indulgent. Patton doesn’t come out of his room all day, so Virgil goes to check up on him. romantic moxiety.

Something to Uplift Us - ao3... Roman-centric (and Remus-centric) DLAMPR (platonic Creativitwins!). Quarantine shenanigans; the boys put on a show for their boyfriends!

Thursday Nights - ao3... Short fluff where Remus and Patton watch a horror flick together and cuddle. romantic intruality.

5 Times Logan Helped His Partners Get Their Shit Together +1 Time They Returned The Favor - ao3... Summary’s in the title on this one, Bud. Logan-centric romantic DLAMPR (platonic p & r), very hurt/comfort.

#masterpost #my writing #sanders sides #ts #fanfiction #fanfic #sanders sides fanfiction #ts fanfic #patton #virgil #janus #remus #roman #logan #dlampr #drlamp #intruality #deintruality #intrualiceit #prinxiety #moxiety #moceit #dukeceit #demus #moduke #creativitwins #roceit #intrulogical #dukexiety #intruxiety

[debunkingtaytaysbeard]

Well 90% of gaylor and kaylor blogs I follow ARE talking about BLM and the stuff happening in the US rn. In fact, the only people I'M seeing turn this thing into bs fandom drama abt the taylor's tweet is TTB and YOU. So maybe you should ask yourself why you're spending more energy on shaming TTB then on genuinely discussing the issues themselves. Cause from where I'm standing you are doing basically the same thing, making this about taylor when it's not.

First, if that’s what you’re seeing on your feed. That makes me incredibly happy and I’m glad to hear that. From what I’ve been seeing from my old Kaylor blog (who I still follow new Kaylors on to keep up with things) & my sisters Kaylor blog, it’s not being discussed outside of its connections to Kaylor and Taylor herself. As I stated before checking every Kaylor account is not my main concern nor focus right now, so I was asked to kindly be corrected. I’m not going to sit her and wag my finger at you say “No, no, no.”

Secondly, I have addressed the issue at hand, I have taken a break from her, I have reblogged as much as I can when I am on here. As I’ve stated before my baby cousin is black. Everyday I sit with the idea in my heart and mind that this is the world is has to grow up in. So excuse me if addressing how wrong it is to tie something back to a made up narrative that plays upon the privileges of two wealthy white women, born into privileged lives is being seen as the same thing as the people doing the former.

Thirdly, I have made this about Taylor by addressing that she should be doing more and address the true value of her voice. Look at GiGi Hadid, that girl has not stopped posting, helping advocating. Her following and reach maybe smaller than Taylor’s, but it’s still bigger than others, and she’s hasn’t stopped speaking. Her voice isn’t valued any less because she’s making more posts. It’s teaching more and more people. To brush off the amount that Taylor could be doing is conforming to the idea that most Taylor Swift fans have, and that is, oh she did this once, that’s enough. I know she’s donating money too, she may not show it, but I know Taylor’s action from the past, and I don’t need to see it. I would love to see her advocating for more black voices, restaurants, businesses, etc. those things are important at this time. Moreover, for people to say, that she doesn’t want to allinate her fan base by speak up more.....how can you be okay with that? This isn’t about allinating, it’s about ADVOCATING. By not speak out more in order to not allinate her non BIPOC, then she’s allinate the other half that’s currently suffering right now. Is that okay with you? It’s not with me. So don’t accuse me of making it a Taylor thing, because when you have a fan base that pays into your wealth & you don’t stand up for them more, it is a Taylor thing.

Finally,

I don’t stand. I will never stand. With a fandom that is built around the speculation about someone’s sexuality, trying to force someone out of the closet with their long letters on how they’ve “had enough”, who know that someone is in the closet yet still comments on their socials to come out and that they are gay, who speculates on someone’s sexuality based on their mannerisms, characteristics, and self expression, who thrive on the tearing down of people because you chose to make them the villain of your story, who go against the LGBTQ+ community’s efforts to breakdown the stigma and stereotypes around their sexuality. I also will not stand by a group of people calling others homophobic for believe the words that are coming out of Taylor’s mouth.

I’m sorry that being queer is lonely. I’m sorry you feel desperate. Yet, putting yourself in Taylor’s shoes, according to your narrative, if you weren’t ready, weren’t able to, weren’t coming out soon, would you be okay with a fandom trying to push you out? Getting upset at you for not doing so. If you put yourself in Karlie’s shoes, would you liked to be painted as a liar, an insulter of a religion who doesn’t care enough about it that’s she’s willing to fake a conversion. Put yourself in the shoes of any closeted person who isn’t ready to come out. Do you think you would like to carry around a fear that one day someone is going to out you because all these people keep saying you are gay/lesbian/bi, etc. put yourself in a man’s shoes, who’s masculinity is being questioned. Imagine being told you’re not manly enough, or too soft so that makes you gay. What good does doing any of these things bring?

I’m an advocate. I always speak up and out. It’s who I am. I call things wrong as I see them. I call out rasicsm, homophobia, classism etc. that’s who I am. Sure it’s just Kaylor and honestly it’s not that serious, but you all are playing with people’s life’s. You are throw out ideas that young readers will inherit and not all of them are okay. Also don’t take that as me saying two women being together is not okay because that’s not what I mean. I’m talking about everything I stated in the paragraph above.

This probably has a shit ton of grammar and typos & I don’t care. It is what it is.

#ttbask #taytaysbeard #ttb #kaylor #debunkingtaytaysbeard #dttb #dttbask #spade stopped by #spade #taylorswift #gaylor swift #gaylorswift #karliekloss #karlie what you want

[kae-karo]

Hi Katie! I just want you to know that I want your analysis of this new sims video more than anything and I'll just patiently wait for it... Have a nice day!

hi dear!! new sims vid, did u mean dnp simulator?

dorks spending the first ten seconds dancing in fake snow 

why virtual friends???? ??

my daddies gave to me y’all,,,,,,there’s knowing your branding and then there’s acting on that knowledge and i think this may have been one time where acting on your knowledge maybe was not a good call like ily and u do u and all but

i love phil loving his branding it’s cute also shoutout to @dnpscloset​ thanks for finding it (x) bc i want one now if anyone needs a last minute xmas idea i’m lookin at u mom u always wait til the last minute

same dan, same

‘we all have new faces and new lives and everything’s changed, this is gonna be hella dramatic’ *inhale* *exhale*

‘when u imagine the howlter family’ god they’re such adorable n sentimental nerds i love them

phil’s actual default is bein a leany boye

dnp arguing about what ‘desperate’ actually is as if the entirety of their first year after meeting they weren’t talking as often as they could five hour skype calls amirite

get away from me stalker lmao bold of u to say that danny

phil sweetie i love you with my entire heart he’s so so excited abt the virtual snow i love him

tiny zoom in jumpcut at 2:08 overlapping audio interesting

a mood and a half

phil immediately going ‘yeahhhhh thin walls family hearing things they gotta get out’ abt dab and evan like m8 we get it all u think abt is sex we get it god u and ur husband really are made for each other aren’t u (dnp = devan reference #1)

‘i presume evan is also jobless’ ‘i hope so!’ phil is it really,,,,,,smth to be excited about,,,,,,,

dan’s doin a lot of the hand phone lately u cute boy

we should have a redbull what is wrong with them phil can barely handle having too much sugar y’all thought it was a good idea to have a redbull also we should have a redbull they share literally everything which tbh is probs for the best lbr phil on a whole can of redbull hmmmmm yes ik it’s v possible and in fact probable that phil had his own can let me live

‘it’s a sensible lightweight jacket’ in the fucking snow wow dan u really did just set urself up for phil to drag u about not dressing for the weather

dan’s fucking laugh at 4:39 gives me life literally there is no purer and more adorable sound like that’s up there with kittens purring

‘i think he’s gonna be a bit of a diva in this relationship’ did you mean: dan howell (dnp = devan reference #2)

[slight bit of ankle is showing] dan: ‘and now you’re wearing shorts’

where’s the lie tho honestly that lil pause before he said mate

this clip will live in infamy bc i want this in every fucking phan edit for the rest of time like i can’t even think of the right out-of-context clip right now but anything that can be answered with phil saying ‘it’s dan’ i need it

mandatory phil covering his mouth and bein a cutie

yes destroy gender roles in the snow universe (although seriously dan’s ‘life is just about uncon-doing the horrible conditioning of all these gender stereotypes, phil’ is so important also i stan phil recognizing that before dan i think it’s really easy to forget that just bc up til recently he’s not been as expressive as dan of his opinions on how stupid gender roles are doesn’t mean he doesn’t have just as if not more progressive a mindset than dan)

‘it’s like a dan vs phil’ dnp = devan #3

dan has such a lovely singing voice i miss him singing

dude phil’s eyebrows are making a Solid appearance v expressive

i s2g this is a different moment from the one above he’s just so fricken cute???

‘but they’ve got each other’s backs, phil, just like dab and evan’ yeeeeaaaa i’m gonna go ahead and go with dnp = devan reference #4 here i think that’s fair

snow angels are the least fun thing to do and yet (x - it literally won’t let me put it in bc it’s a privated vid rip)

amazing they just started having a snowball fight how cute n domestic am i talking abt dnp or dab and evan hmmmm - dnp = devan #5

i get that infinity war was a meme but lads it’s time to let it go

‘and they’re called the howlters’ lmao as if u ain’t an honorary lester daniel (dnp = devan #6)

i’m living for phil’s excitement i mean if that’s what redbull does to him i’m here for it i guess?

hi they’re dumb this was cute

‘we don’t want to be those people, but for us personally, we very much found that you just need to just move into a big city of some kind and just jump into life with both feet’ this is not only adorable advice but also where dnp simulator comes into play aka we did this so uhh dab n evan should do it (dnp = devan #7) also dan speaking for them both singular pronouns are quaking

‘don’t trust that’ what on earth are u on abt phil what don’t u trust the fuckin desert or?????

scalyburg phil stop pls we know we get it dan’s a furry ur a scaly we got it

why does dan spend an entire 7 seconds (8:40) adjusting is he moving closer to phil? switching which leg he’s sat on? idk but it lead to me pausing at this moment which was a gift in and of itself

‘the deposit on that one, plus the weekly went would make us instantly broke, so that’s fun, us when we moved to london’ bih do u hear me crying

does dan remember phil’s first manchester apartment what kind of question is that phil have u met dan he probably remembers every bloody inch of that place i mean he did remember that there wasn’t a bedside table so

stop that

middle of the city, romance festival, geekcon, pretty views and cherry blossom trees sounds like dnp’s ideal location do u get why i’m calling it dnp simulator yet also dnp = devan #8

we don’t want to move next to the karaoke legends wow dan bold of u to say after belting helena at 2am real bold

phil having flashbacks to the apt they toured where they found out people died there

hi phil just looks so excited by everything

look i’m not saying anything except they’re managing to find a lot of similarities b.w their lives and what they’re doing for dab and evan okay like this apartment is great for people-watching? which is what phil did in his manchester apt?

context whomst? idk her

shoutout to the wardrobe

big bold life-changing steps

anon spitting truth up in this house (but like,,,,,my thoughts exactly lmao i was like they’re such introverts they would’ve avoided meeting their neighbors at any cost including apparently smacking into a locked door trying to avoid small talk phil we love u bab)

casually mentioning dan saying ‘we are dil-’ was he gonna say dil’s son, maybe but i like to remember the bloops of dan repeatedly calling dab dil so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

omg okay so from like. this point on, when dan’s like ‘here is my vision’, i’m absolutely getting queer eye vibes like amateur queer eye tho like two gay nerds trying to embody queer eye in their lives a bit oh wait

okay okay okay dan u said an ensuite bathroom and then failed to add a door to the bedroom do u understand how frustrating that is???????? do u understand how stressful it was for me to watch that whole damn vid and know that u forgot the door????

a space for hobbies what hobbies who has hobbies

they learned nothing from building their house before: phil should take the mouse away from dan immediately look at him he is such a sugar baby in this jfc

god dan is so cute get these idiots a penthouse apartment super high up so he can have his bath next to a window okay he deserves that in life

stop it they’re literally agreeing on almost every single thing god they literally share a single brain

amazing

leany boye

‘they are young adults moving into their first apartment, you don’t have art!’ okay first of all don’t even go there daniel second of all i’m sorry you’re the one arguing for spending literally all their money but u don’t want to get some art bc it’s unrealistic????

dan saying lovely

phil’s mr carpet

navy??? navy? when did they? why? 

i would get involved in a criminal plot to have that / i’m gonna throw you out of one

wow pro tips makin a comeback

phil is Losing Steam

oh my god okay so i was joking but literally phil is losing steam lmao 18:35 he says ‘ayy’ and it’s so tired-sounding

leany leany boyes

okay look ik dan’s going into ‘aww poor philly’ mode but also he knew that very quickly like honestly that’s not a Thing i would ever notice about someone tbh i’m not saying it’s like Significant but damn danny was really into phil to know that shiz man

the high-fashion gigantic rug of our dreams

okay look i can’t make this up phil literally leans away for a bit and then

hello daniel’s Curl

i stan phil getting excited over plants

dab and evan will be having a mario kart fest will they (dnp = devan #9)

mirroringggggggg

dude big mood god they’re so fond and full of memories 

honestly dnp made it that way like u cannot convince me they didn’t purposely decide to do that mmkay

‘see they are ready to have their romantic dinners. and then they can pretend they have another friend and it’s fine!’ am i talking abt dnp or dab and evan who knows :) (dnp = devan #10) 

cold in the middle what on earth i literally have no memory of that i mean it could just be my shit memory but jfc they just remember that stuff goddamn

scrunchy boyes also phil where’s ur arm at hm

like i’m not fuckin joking where is it

you can’t exist without a computer i mean

what is important in life / the internet

they don’t even have fucking doors and dan’s like ‘uhm they need a terrarium’ dan i’m stressed

oh my god i’m sorry phil is so done with this now it’s actually comical

hi they didn’t add a door for the ensuite

give dnp an interior design series honestly give them any series

phil reached for dan’s hand u cannot convince me otherwise

‘not my personal taste’ really,,,,,really

when dab n evan hug dan looks at the screen n phil looks at the camera things u didn’t need to know but now u do

lmao jumpscared by the kiss

‘i feel like i’ve never nailed anything more in my entire life’ hmmmm hmmmmmmmmmm hm

the fuck was dan’s ‘getting a job’ that’s his fnaf voice u stop that

doon doon doon doon

tongue

hi uhm what the Fuck was that jumpcut at 28:30 i hate Obvious Jumpcuts with a burning passion specifically bc of dnp

#dnp #dan and phil #dapg #phan #danandphilgames #sims #devan #vid analysis #anon #ask #kt

[unproduciblesmackdown]

some random numbers: 1, 3, 6, 15, 23, 31, 35, 40. give me ur ungodly long answers.

lmaooo YES brevity whom......i cannot be concise

1) favorite videos?

i sure spent 2010 - 2014 enjoying youtube horror interpersonal-drama series marble hornets, those are a good time. and here in the future you and i both know there is just a wellspring of wrol-related Video Content out there, god damn, i really love so many of them.....in between that there’s sure been a lot of fun and funney videos and like, some Artistique ones i like to revisit [or have disappeared :( ] but i always like to promote this Wuthering Heights one. i love it. oh lol!!!! and the uh, Skate 3 Glitch compilations!!! so so funny

3) favorite memes?

i think Deep Fried Memes are fun all the time lol. the Youtube Meme of “___ but ____” is a lot of fun OH YEAH steamed hams was awesome too. the 24601 Releases A Sammich On Parole ytp is priceless......this is just turning into favorite videos again lmao. vine as a meme and a whole

6)favorite mixes?

you know i never really made or used playlists lol!!!! i will just be like, in the mood for certain songs or else like “i want to listen to music but....which ones”.....i say i can never be concise and all of these answers turning out short lol. it’s not b/c i’m Concise but b/c like, i don’t know what Favorites i have and i don’t have a memory that works without Direct Reminders of Specific Things so i’m just failing to like, come up with the info in the first place smh

15) favorite fictional characters?

here we go lol i can answer this one cuz when i have a fave rave it’s rare and like, easier to remember cuz i do not Go Hard about it that often.....weirdly for the first few years of The Decade i did’t really have such certain faves.....i was def enjoying some characters, as i always do, but nothing like super standout. then in ‘11 or ‘12 or whatever i was like oh hey, ed from cowboybeboy.......and then just had like, the solo experience of me humoring myself w/ that. bit of an usual one b/c a lot of the characters i Really latch on to will tend to be kinda roughly similar in ways that maybe seem pretty at-first-glance levels of obvious, buuut idk she’s not That far off from my usual selections i guess lol. anyways then in 2014 i was like, time to go ham for lars. what a valuable time it was....what Fun we had.....truly tho! and then another interval later it’s 2016 and for similarly (relatable characters of roughly the same cut) i was like, well here i am having a great time re: kip, all while getting to generously use of my fave shade of blue and fangs central and all that fun stuff. and then another interval later the Eventual Unfolding of what started innn 2017 i guess occurs, and it’s late 2018, and i’m like, time to look into Jared Kleinman b/c just from reading the wikipedia summary that didn’t mention him all that much i could tell this was probably a character i’d go ham for for predictable reasons, and the vague interest in that has stuck with me for the past little-over-a-year......and then i was Completely right lol. deh? well that’s just Bonus Jared Lore, to me (though of course alana in her own right is a great and similarly underappreciated character. rights)....and then of course i’ve had a lot of fun with pretty much each and every Wrol Role lmao.......Very fond of jeremy, and also christine, and bmc just has really enjoyable and interesting characters all over the place. and of course, here i am, Extremely #about winston quantbillions as another certified fave rave, really. call it classic!!!

[[answered both 23 and 31 prior, actually.....words were typed....]]

35)a random memory you remember with strange clarity?

tough one because lol a fair amount of “you recorded this memory in a fair amount of detail” is due to increased levels of unpleasantness / stress / discomfort, and if it’s also “i remember this b/c it was Nice” then i wouldn’t call that Strange clarity lol, and Random Memory like “just pull one up from the ol memory bank” is like, god, i wish it were that simple........but give me a min.

oh yeah i had a High Time of it when pokemon go came out (only pokemonn game i have ever played lol) coz there was like, this stretch of Landmarks stops that started at this garden and went along this waterfront / connected park forrr maybe like a half mile stretch? ideal territory and people would actually like, come from out of town to partake in it lol. and i’d Download podcast eps on my phone from my work’s wifi and just like, in the evening listen to that or music and just like, walk and do this shit. i had like five or six gyaradoses at one point cuz i guess the riverside nature of it meant they wanted to throw all these magikarp at you (there Were carp, also! one of the parks had a koi pond.) and like, there were just all these people around doing it along with you, even that late at night and in the early AM hours, so it was fairly social even if u weren’t there with a group or talking with anyone (though there was Camaraderie like, oh hey just so you guys know, there is a ____ over by the boat.) and it was just an interesting Walk with several things to look at and routes to take. and one time in a weird Dead Of Night time like 1am there was this like, smallish cruise ship docked that actually Set Off. and like, a bunch of us randos were just standing there and watching this unfold. this isn’t a very good Clear Random Memory but if i tried to think of a good one, god only knows how long it’d take me lol

40)an important personal revelation?

oh jeez this has really been a decade with lots of the unfortunate combo of “stuff that is a bummer but also boring” lol.......a benefit of getting to spend more time than not Away From The Parents’ House was like, oh sweet, having this perspective for long enough finally leads me to the conclusion of why i hate this......B/c It Is Bad. oh yeah and then there was also conclusively figuring out early in the decade like oh right, i’m trans, that makes sense.......other layers of Gayassedness like oh, more specifically i’m nonbinary, oh yeah and like, i’m not straight, call that queer and/or bi and/or also Gay......bein grey ace like a champ, and aromantic like, oh yeah i’m not like, fucking up at being a person somehow and Letting People Down by not wanting to date them (i mean besides rando cishet men. they can be let down regardless).....and just like, this ongoing process of getting the space to b figuring out myself and what i like For myself in alll kinds of ways....even up till now with the “oh yeah ive been a theatre gay all my life lmaooo” bit that’s like, totally obvious but just like, i didn’t much have the reason to even look at the would-be obvious stuff from the right perspex till now. and it’s pretty fun to realize a Lifelong Area Of Big Interest like that, cuz those sorts of things can feel elusive. and then also unfortunately a lot of the decade has involved like, “oh my self-esteem is so fucked that it’s circling back around and i’m appreciating and valuing myself and that i deserve decent treatment and Not bad shit,” which was a crappy process obviously lol but it was nice when i did start to get there, and making further progress on that front. im not dead certain when i was like “hmm...am autistic” b/c that was definitely a really ongoing process of figuring that out lol, but when / as i did it’s definitely a series of “oh hahaha this is why i’m like This or why i do This or feel like This about This!!” and it’s really easy to learn a totally Brand New Thing all the time abt bein autistic where it’s like Oh #Me!! coz yknow. the info By and For autistic ppl is not always widely available and known of. love that for us

#thank u!!! and thanks for the End Of Decade Ask Meme in the first place lol #cockbiteproductions

[thelevelsman]

some (slightly edited) notes from my tfp rewatch (first time watching since it aired)

basically took my liveblogging and expanded upon parts that don’t make sense unless you’re me

‪‪Umbrella sword‬...wasn’t there something about gatiss scoffing at the idea that mycroft’s umbrella was actually a weapon? 

only thing i can find is an unsourced quote from gatiss: “I think it’s his comfort blanket. He may even sleep with it. The umbrella comes from a wonderful old shop in New Oxford St. They still advertise ‘dagger canes’ and ‘sword sticks’ but, to their great regret, are no longer allowed to stock them!” sooo....was this him hinting that it actually was a weapon? either way, it’s ridiculous and OOC 

‪i had it in my head that this first scene was a nightmare, like I remembered it that way - i was convinced i was gonna see mycroft waking up from a bad dream but it turned out that it was...real? that sherlock rigged his house/security to do that? i just...why would they make it seem so nightmarish

When John says “‪221B Baker Street” it feels so weird...J and S always been so recalcitrant about their own fame, to have John talk about their home in that way, almost like an advertisement, feels so strange and OOC

‪“This is family” “That’s why he stays!!!” and John smiles?! Last time I watched T6T I came up with a half-baked theory that John was always cheating on Mary with Sherlock and we just didn’t get to see the beginning of it, and that season 5 will be going back in time and filling in the gaps. Need to make a different post expanding on this but this particular line in TFP does support my theory.

‪‪The way Mycroft explains everything about Eurus is contrary to the way every episode has played out so far - he gives them all the answers right away. Such a red flag for me

Why did Mycroft not get injured in the explosion - I mean, it’s weird that none of them got injured, but we specifically see one of his men saying that he got injured, so...why? 

John answering Mycroft’s earlier question about who originally said “the truth is rarely pure and never simple” - JOHN knew that Oscar Wilde said that, and when he reveals this, Sherlock is shown smiling...WTF! 

‪”Frankly, this is embarrassing.” “Oh. Doing a cavity search?” like...literally why/what the fuck...why does he say this....with this face....

Ok so when John is watching Sister Edgelord’s video as what I presume is an introduction to her personality, she says the bit about good not being really good and evil not being really evil but the next sentence is this: “Bottoms aren’t really pretty and you are a prisoner of your own meat.” 

If this is all actually in John’s mind...interesting. It goes along with the theory that Culverton is John’s nightmare version of himself - a sexual predator type who is enslaved by his own sick desires.

‪Sherlock literally saying WHAT DO YOU MEAN, REWRITTEN‬ khdskfjh

‪John looking Sherlock DEAD in the eye when he says “I was” in response to “are you married” is like...sexy lmao ‬

‪I can’t believe how much like an escape room this stupid episode is‬

‪What if the episode is both J&S’s nightmares combined? The coffin is John’s coffin, and in John’s nightmare Sherlock doesn’t know that John loves him - Sherlock assumes the coffin is Molly’s, he gets the “who loves you?” question completely wrong. ALSO SLDJKSJSJSD WAIT five years ago, was that before Reichenbach? bc it’s explicitly stated in the show that Moriarty DIDN’T think of Molly, he didn’t endanger her bc he thought Sherlock didn’t care abt her. How does it make sense, if this is reality, that Eurus/Moriarty put Molly in harms’ way or knew that she would be of value to Sherlock? Ok anyway that was a separate point but my original point was that it’s both of their nightmares combined somehow and in the same scene we switch to Sherlock’s nightmare of being forced to tell a woman that he loves her in front of the man he actually loves. FUCK SAAAAKE!‬

‪OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!! WHEN SHERLOCK IS DEDUCING THE COFFIN, JOHN IS SHOWN SAYING “THAT WAS A LONELY NIGHT ON GOOGLE” ITS HIS FUCKING COFFIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!! FUCKING!!!!!!!!!! GOD!!!!!!!!! UGH!!!!!!!!!! I HATE THIS!!!!!!!! FUCKING!!!!! SHOW!!!!!!!!‬

‪I’M LITERALLY GOING TO FUCKING THROW UP I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS.................everything he says regarding the purchaser of the coffin was abt John...also John is the one to challenge the “its for a woman” deduction, like, SHERL, why are u assuming its a woman just bc of height...

‪Sherlock says “I’m remembering the governor” before he goes to kill himself, I have no idea what that means but I feel like it has to be important‬

‪“You were upset, so you told yourself a better story”‬ BIG FUCKING SEASON FOUR MOOD

‪headcanon the cipher riddle is about John (I am lost without your love, save my soul seek my room ksjskjdjskdjdjfjdjdkkdjdjdjdjdjdkkdk)‬

‪How did he escape the well if his feet were chained, how did the police get there, why would Scotland Yard come if Mycroft’s people were already on it, how did they get off the island and to the Holmes’s childhood home, not to mention the mother fucking grenade lmao...so much suspension of disbelief is required for this episode to make physical, geographical sense, it is so SO far removed from the realities and physical constraints of space and time. I’m almost positive it’s a nightmare of some sort‬

‪The flat is destroyed in the beginning of the episode, signifying that the rest of the story is fake?‬

‪Maybe...ok if we are in John’s mind, it would make sense that Sherlock saves him from a completely impossible trap that also involved his brother and sister - John has always been scared of Sherlock’s origin/trauma but he believes so strongly that Sherlock is his savior (I was so alone and I owe you so much)‬

‪Are pirates and/or Victor Trevor queer coded? I don’t know I’m just wondering. Either way VT looks exactly like baby John lmaaaaooooooo so subtle

‪Eurus’s explanation about deep water is just a cover for the casuals, like it’s the show trying to tie it all together from Sherlock’s perspective when they’re concealing that we’re really just in John’s mind‬

‪John says “You gave her what she was looking for. Context.” does this support my “they’ve been together for a while now” theory? ITS A MAD WIDDLE!‬

‪Who the fuck is Uncle Rudi, did he put Eurus away? Why does it matter?‬

‪“If I’m gone, I know what you could become.” WHAT THE FUCK!‬ WHY THE FUCK! WOULD SHE SAY THIS!

“‪there’s always one last hope‬”

‪When they’re rebuilding the flat does it signal that now the show can get back on track?‬

‪The ep ending without a cliffhanger is like...almost a cliffhanger in itself...it’s a super meta cliffhanger bc it’s out of pattern so it signals that something is wrong....THE FUCKING LEVELS MAN‬

#rewatch lb #the final problem #tfp

[t4tbruharvey]

Yes "cluttered in a cozy way" is exactly it, like it feels at the same time like a public space (because half of the stuff in there just straight up consists of things you'd find in a bar ..maybe there's also steel bars and tools for breaking into places sitting in the apartment corners? (bc idk about you but my preferred version of Ed is somewhere between 'gentleman' thief (at least he likes to think he is a gentleman) , conman and deranged gameshow host (and not like the darker or more 'grounded' serial killer versions) so imo Echo and Query also probably would have to break into places (including Arkham, when their boss gets caught (again) after purposefully leading Batman to his hiding place (again)) quite often and have a whole array of tools for that?) Theres also definitely at the very least 1 pride flag somewhere , and probably also a lot of stickers on every surface. Also if they invite Sugar and Spice as well as maybe the Gotham City Sirens to hang out at their place, would that make it officially a gay bar? I feel like it would count

And "idk if you've seen the panel of them holding eddie at gunpoint when they first met him but that kind of fits that vibe" no I haven't seen that one but that's hilarious actually ...reminds me of how Batman tends to pull him around or lift him up by his tie or collar, so now I got the mental image of Echo and/or Query doing that, too, when they're too fed up with his antics or when he's throwing an especially dramatic tantrum and they decide it's time to put him in his time out corner, for his own sake (and for the sake of the bits of furniture he hasn't managed to break and throw around yet) of course he doesn't particularly like being dragged around like that but what can he do, right? I also love the idea of them deciding to study psychology and sociology because of Harley, and because they're curious to find out what exactly makes their boss be 'like that' because he's just so unusually eccentric even by Gotham standards (meanwhile Sugar and Spice don't feel the need to pry into what makes Harvey tick, because they both already kind of know- Sugar knows what it feels like having to put up a perfect persona just so people finally take you seriously, while Spice knows how much other people's extreme expectations for you can break you (her goth aesthetic is a result to her saying f it to those expectations))

ooo i rlly like the idea of like bar stools and stuff! they probably have an open plan kitchen lbr it's a couple of sinks and an island that came with the loft so they could sit around that and it might feel like a bar a bit. a gay bar, you might say... i do think that having the rest of the queer gals over frequently would be fun <3

they DEFINITELY break him out of places and break into places for him. somebody's gotta break the lock on this abandoned hospital and it's not going to be him i'll tell you that! and yeah, that's my fave interpretation of the riddler too i like it when he's snazzy

THEY PUT HIM IN TIME OUT!!! YEAH. pick him UP!!! he's shorter than they are, they can get away with it!! also yeah i think it's fun if they're curious and also that's sooo interesting abt sugar and spice getting twoface's deal yeah like being queer will do that!!! + also sugar and harvey are both trans (this is a canon fact <3) so they would also have that to bond over in how it fucked with them but also is like a source of joy and whatnot. literally also goth spice says fuck expectations i'm not doing that

[homosexualeo]

1. He spends half a semester staring at me across the seminar table, flirts with me over Instagram, Super Likes me on Tinder only to say “I don’t date other grad students, I just wanted to show you some love” when you then ask him out. I feel confident he never would have swiped right in the first place if we had never met.

2. Around others, they are aggressively friendly and even flirtatious. Although they make it a point to mention they love spending time with other people, other bodies, every attempt to spend time with them one on one gets deflected or expanded into group plans; either way they rarely come to fruition. Eventually, over text, they tell me they are dating someone. This is our primary means of communication; it is the one where my body is least present.

3. I ask S out, they say yes. After three dates they tell me they aren’t in a space for dating and intimacy is hard for them right now. We keep flirting. A month goes by and I ask to check in. They say nothing has changed; intimacy is still hard. Two weeks later I see them on Grindr. I know that Grindr is used for a lot of different reasons, but I wonder why we never talked abt boundaries around intimacy before breaking up, and it crystalizes what has transpired. It has happened. Again.

4. I meet a social media celebrity through A, a mutual friend. We have heard of each other, but aren’t connected and don’t follow the other. This is common for queer of color microcelebrities. Queers of color always seem to think my work on bodies is somehow not as relevant to our communities. They rarely connect with and uplift my work the way I see white people from fat communities. This night, I see them flirt with the tall, thin, light skinned friend we met through. They post my work about economies of care on their platform for Valentine’s Day. I am flattered, and wonder why we never even exchanged numbers.

5. I’m with S at a dance party, shortly before I ask them out. I turn around and they are talking to someone that had approached them and introduced themselves. I keep dancing. I turn around and they are making out. I leave to give them space. Sometime later my friend reappears near me. Before I can talk to them someone else approaches them. And then other. I give them space. At the end of the night I leave without having met anyone new, without being approached or feeling confident any attempt of mine to approach someone would be received positively.

6. I’m with S on a date at a gay bar. A lesbian interrupts us to fawn over how beautiful they are in their tall, thin whiteness. She only interacts with me to affirm their beauty. Later we are at a coffee shop. Someone approaches them for a blind date for a friend and they decline graciously. We are sitting at the same table but the person does not interact with me. And even later, they casually name a Black trans femme mutual friend as being ‘bad at rejection.’ I wonder if they have considered how an evidently superior handle of rejection is might correlate w an experience of having opportunities handed to you, an experience less common for those of us not tall, thin and white.

7. My thin friends tell me abt their dates and their hook ups. They seem to offer this information as if it were not imbued. My attempts at making these connections similarly are rarely successful. My messages get responded to so infrequently I have stopped sending them. I offer the emotional labor of processing their rejections with them, and am humbled to see that thin people experience this too. I try not to ask for it back; I’m not sure if they can hold it. I’m not sure I can ask for anything at all.

8. My queer friends of color commiserate abt having our hearts broken by white ppl and masculine ppl. I wonder why we aren’t dating eachother but I also know why. The people we are fawning over are all some combination of thin, white or masculine.

9. My tall, thin, light skinned friend A and I talk abt how their normatively desired body is fetishized and tokenized in communities. I have listened to their stories of people crushing on them. I know the discomfort and dehumanization of being fetishized or even just desired. I would still take it.

10. Someone messages me on a chubby chaser platform and I can tell they are also fat because their message is polite, cautiously friendly and purposefully vague. It reads like a message I would send. I wonder abt the collective social histories that have produced this dynamic, and also why this is the only platform where I have seen ‘married (to a woman)’ as a relationship status.

11. I go on two dates with a fat, white guy I match with on Tinder. I find him obnoxious and ultimately us incompatible.

12. I have a date invitation from a fat man of color older than me. I’m open but reluctant, unsure of how well our political beliefs and intellectual interests align. I accept halfheartedly.

13. I gaslight myself by saying standards and expectations are not luxuries I can afford if I want to be loved. I wonder if the people I want to love me ever tell themselves this.

14. I spend most of last Monday sexting with a guy on Grindr. He initiates race play by telling me to worship his big white cock and tell him how much better white men are. I do it willingly, eagerly, happily. It feels good that someone wants to be honest with me for once. It fucks up my sleep schedule and we never end up meeting as promised.

15. A new friend taps me on Grindr. I feel confused abt the whole situation and try to lean into it. He makes a big show abt wanting to hang out; I invite him over at 11pm and he takes a raincheck. We mention plans abt Friday but never confirm so I make other plans. When he txts me that morning I feel guilty and cancel my other plans. He says he will txt when he is free. I dont expect to hear from him and have a fine night alone, but it hurts to be flaked on. When he finally txts at 2am I check in abt our tentative plans. He apologizes that time got away from him and I say I understand but it felt bad, am honest abt it being triggering and ask him to be more mindful in the future. He responds affirmatively and over the next few days our previously casual and consistent texting throughout the day slows to a complete stop.

16. The next night, I have a reading with T. 3 of my thin friends show up. I realize it’s the first time I see S since they broke up with me the second time. A and C come from hooking up w different people. J invited someone they wanna kiss, who kisses them back. I come home and C texts me abt how cute T is; T texts abt how cute S is. My thin friends throw themselves at eachother in front of me, casually mention their easy access to sex and pretend I have not recently vented abt the difficult it is for me to meet people, even for casual sex. Everyone is angry at S when I tell them the story. They all seem to see themselves as different, as separate.

17. This is how it is and how it always has been. I have no reason to believe it will ever be different. I have no more good faith to cling to.

[jelly-omelette]

Today I felt emotionally stable. I got a solid amount of work done even though I worked four out of eight hours. I had fun texting Jess. I want to call them hiro. I like flirting w them. Tho I would like to get to know them better. I don’t want to rush into anything and I wanna feel calm n comfortable around them. So far I am. I have yet to find out if we compliment eachother and if we will mesh. I think I just want to be myself around them and not worry too much abt labels or expectations. It’s good so far cuz I think we have common interests and shared hobbies like video games. So I def feel like we can bond as friends over that. And then maybe it’ll grow into something more or maybe it won’t. Kinda hard to know this early on. It’ll take time for me to feel comfortable opening myself up to them. I’m not gonna throw myself out there too soon and reveal all my cards. I’ll keep it reserved and wait for them to make some moves first. Seems p balanced so far. They said good morning to me n was initiating convo :3 so that made me happy. I’ve been doing a good job holding my infatuation back but also enjoying the rush of the moment. It made me said when hiro told me that they have neophobia, cuz I really like trying new things. And also I worry that their Coeliac disease might make sharing things more difficult since a lot of food has gluten. I like that they r pretty asian in terms of cleanliness and eating foods like natto and umeboshi. And they’re rly cute for sending me wiki articles of both those things haha. I was surprised to find out that hiro is 25 years old but I kinda glad bc I like more mature ppl. And I like how we talk in diff languages to eachother. I wonder what their friends r like. I hope they’re not all white cuz I’m scared of white ppl. I just don’t feel super comfortable around them bc they make me feel invalidated and so foreign. I think it’s cool they have a therapist cuz that’s something I’ve been thinking abt lately. Investing in mental and emotional health is always rly attractive. So are their hands hehe. It’s funny how we’re both kinda shy abt flirting w eachother. I’m not as forward as I usually am and I like that I don’t have to be to keep their attention :) and we also share a love and interest for art, which is something that is new to me that I’m really excited to experience. Cuz then we could paint stuff together and look at art museums together. But of course it all needs chemistry first. I wonder if we’ll have any physical chemistry when we meet in person. If it’ll be rly strong off the bat or be a slow buildup or maybe it won’t b there at all and we’ll feel super comfy w eachother. I wonder what our love languages will be. I feel like it’s easy to communicate love w other Asians even if they’re only half asian bc they understand both the American and asian perspectives. They thought I was 19 lol. Oh and we also both climb, that’s gonna b really really cool if we actually have good chemistry and friendship. They’re kinda shy and hard to talk to on phone tho. I hope that’ll change over time. I didn’t like how hiro called my island bald and was saying that I was leaving trash on her island >:( not nice. But other than that they seem kind and encouraging. Can’t believe I told her I’m attracted to the thought of their nice hands embracing me tenderly and they weren’t weirded out about it :D that means I can dial it down a notch which will definitely make me feel a little bit more stable and not afraid of being ghosted or it not being mutual. I’m curious abt their family dynamic and what it was like for them growing up w unmarried and mixed parents. I want to ask that but I’ll save it for later. I’m also curious about their pronouns and if they would feel dysphoric if I referred to them as my gf. BUT that can wait cuz I mean we’re not dating and I don’t wanna rush or scare them w the dtr talk. They seem pretty open tho so I feel pretty comfortable. They like olives also and actual legit lavender flavor. That’s attractive.

At first I had some traumatic flashbacks of jenna bc they reminded me of her. Strangely kinda similar. Jenna isn’t half asian, but she was adopted by white parents. Also her parents had an unconventional dynamic, the dad was a widow bc the mom took her life and the dad married a new person. Oh also hiro has tattoos and kinda dressed like her. But hiro seems more reserved and emo and I like that, and into video games. I rly rly like that :) and culture and art. I like I like. And rly studious. Me like hehe. And also gender queer. I also like hehe. And dorky n shy and playful. Def bonus attraction :D I p confident we’d get a long as friends. Def wanna solidify that first before doing anything beyond that. But ya I would definitely get in bed w them hehehe. They’re rly cute.

Anyway about my day I also practiced guitar for like two hours, played animal crossing w hiro, and hung out w EG friends. That was the highlight of my day. I rly miss em. We watched shrek and played some jack box. That was good. I had a lot of laughs. :) then I started questioning my feelings and the way that I love ray is related to the slogan from the half of it. “Not every love story is a romance”. Cuz I love that guy to death and at one point I had like mini moments where I’d really want to cuddle him or like be physical w him, but I think I just rly rly love how much he’s helped me grow as a person and supported me and allowed me to be honest w him about everything and anything. I really want to apply all the positivity and thoughtfulness I’ve learned from him to my everyday approach to life. I feel like I’ve gone from a really depressing person to someone who is still depressed but very excited and positive about life at the same time. And no longer had to desperately search for external validation or guess about whether or not I deserve love. I just don’t question it anymore who decides to give me love and who doesn’t. I feel very grateful for my friends and my financial situation, my own place and freedom and awesome coworker rex. I feel grateful that I’m still in touch with sean, kara, dixie, aish, my swe friends, Jon, and I get to have awesome conversations abt politics and feminism and funny memes w people everyday. Also my brother and my mom, eh for my dad. And also natalie and my brother who have been there since day 1. I can’t wait to explore what else is in store for me for the future and move on wo th my life. I’m excited to explore my relationship w hiro and see what I can offer and what they can offer. I hope they see value in my abilities to be emotionally sensitive, make delicious food, be methodical and logical and clean, and also have stability and boundaries and good articulate communication. I want to work on being less defensive and being more kind to myself. Not doubting when people show me affection and not questioning when ppl do nice things for me. My perspective on life and fervor to do the right thing. I want to finish my list of tv shows and movies and make some bomb ass paintings. Oh also the fact that I got closure w my ex and we’re on good terms now and they’re gonna hook me up w some film gigs :D I rly hope hiro isn’t the jealous type that gets insecure and makes assumptions abt my relationships w other ppl. I’m still scared from my relationship w bianca and paranoid abt doing the wrong thing and not having my boundaries respected. Not having my voice heard or believed. I want to see if it’s worth it to go all in first before I do. Bianca def dived in head first super super soon. Like our first date we kissed and she slept over. And I was pressured into doing it w her even when I hesitated. That was such a meh thing and sign I should’ve realized it. But my self esteem was so low I think I was unable to value my own feelings and be there for myself when I needed myself to stand up for my feelings. I hope that I can improve my social anxiety and be more kind to myself and respect myself more. I’m doing a p good job so far w that whole situation w my dad. Just keeping my distance so I can keep my sanity cuz I care about myself enough to not compromise myself for his shittiness. I love this time I get to reflect on myself. I really really love it. I feel so free. I can’t wait to talk to hiro tmrw

#mine #text #diary #hiro