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tuanhood · 4 years

Text

lambda

pairing: frat!mark tuan x reader

genre: angst, enemies to lovers (kinda), smut, fluff

warnings: 18+, language, cringey frat stuff, dirty talk, oral sex (male receiving), explicit sex.

word count: 11,400+

summary: your last choice was renting a room at a frat house over the summer, especially after you told yourself you were done with anything frat related, but when your ex ditches you last minute its your only option. now... if only you could stop dreaming about the president of lambda chi.

a/n: surprise again! mark won the poll!! but like I said i think i’m going to continue doing a frat one shot for each member. so it’ll be like a little anthology series!! but i have no clue when i will write the other once so please bare with me :) Also if there’s some frat stuff in here that doesn’t make sense just let me know in my ask or if you have any questions i’ll be happy to answer!

“Who do you know here?” you found yourself being asked before even fully stepping onto the property.

The douchey guy with his backwards baseball cap and muscle tee – sporting his letters of course – looked you up and down as if trying to place you.

“No one actually.”

He looked confused, “wait seriously? You’re just going to admit that right off the bat? Usually people try to make something up.”

“See I’m not here to play games… Kyle? I’m guessing your name is Kyle. I have the unfortunate pleasure of living here over the summer, because this was the cheapest and most last-minute housing I could find. Now I’m just going to go up to my room and mind my own business while you and your brothers throw this stupid party that better be over before midnight.”

“You could have just said you live here…” the boy mumbled mostly to himself, “well welcome home and congrats on moving in! I’m Bambam by the way.”

He thrusted his hand forward to you, almost forgetting about the mob of people behind you waiting to get in and see if they pass the “vibe” check to get past the front door. You were sure in any other circumstance you would not be passing the vibe check.

“Wow Bambam…” you said to yourself considering the name. He looked delighted as if you were so enthralled by the unique quality of it. You were however, thinking about how Bambam was even worse than “Kyle.”

“And you are?” he asked.

“Dude can you stop flirting and keep the line moving! I’m trying to get wasted before 11!” someone yells from deep in the line behind you.

“Hey! I’m the one who says how fast or slow this line moves! Fuck off man or you can go find your own kick back,” Kyl- Bambam yelled.

Snorting, you rolled your eyes, “you call this a kick back?” You gestured to the full house behind him, deciding to leave out those who were sitting on the roof.

“If the normal school year isn’t in session and the house isn’t over 50% occupied with members, then it’s a kick back. Chapter rules.”

“Would love to see that rulebook, if you have it handy,” you laughed, joking. Somehow, Bambam didn’t get it and cocked his head to the side absorbing your comment, “you really want to see the rules? I mean I could bring it to you later if you-”

“That’s fine Kyl-Bambam, I’m good. I’m just going to go inside now.”

“Bet, see you later.”

The way he said it makes you think that he means he’ll see you later at the party. That would however be completely wrong, because there was no way you were going to hang out with these disgusting egocentric heathens that just want to fuck and get drunk.

Fraternity housing hadn’t been you first choice for this summer. In fact, it probably hadn’t been your last choice either, but this is what you were stuck with. Staying at school over the summer had been a very last-minute choice – for reasons you weren’t ready to discuss – and by the time you were searching for housing, everything that was cheap and decent had been taken. Instead you were left with cheap and… chaotic.

“Whoa watch out!” You heard being yelled by some douche in a bucket hat as soon as you stepped into your new home.

It had been a week since you moved in, but you hadn’t made any effort to get to know any of the other people staying over the summer. Regardless of whether they were in the same predicament as you or if they were actually members of the org, you weren’t particularly interested in face to face time. After the Spring Quarter you had, you needed alone time and this summer you didn’t plan on making friends with your housemates… Especially if they were in a frat.

Your first week had actually, however, gone somewhat okay. No one had tried to interact with you – in fact you had barely seen anyone else in the house – and there had been no disturbing sounds or noises… It almost didn’t feel like you were living in a frat house, besides the urinals in the bathroom and the boxes of energy drinks that lined a few of the hallways. You were pleased to say the least, until you turned onto Greek row and heard all of the noise from the corner.

Please don’t be Lambda. Please don’t be Lambda. Please don’t be Lambda. Please don’t be Lamb-

The silent prayer in your head clearly hadn’t been heard as you had grown closer and closer to the house you were staying in. Lo and behold you had been met with a very large line of people waiting to get in, loud music and trash all over the lawn. What had you been expecting by choosing to live in a frat?

The bucket hat guy’s warning didn’t faze you. As soon as you process his words you placed your hand up to smack the Styrofoam football he had thrown to the ground. You weren’t in the mood for an obstacle course, you just wanted to get to your room and put in earplugs so you could rest before work tomorrow morning.

“Whoa you got mad fast reflexes. Do you play?” he asked grabbing the object off of the sticky floor.

You couldn’t tell if he was genuinely curious or not. But judging on the way he eyed you up and down, there were other things that were actually on his mind.

Side eyeing him, you snorted, “yeah… I’m not doing this,” you motioned your hand at him in circles and turned to head towards the main stairs. His words stopped you, “wow are we heading there already? Just give me a minute to tell my brothers I can’t watch drinks table anymore.”

Instinctively you cracked your knuckles, bucket hat guy found himself clearing his throat noticing the small detail that showcased your frustration. Turning around, it takes everything in you not to slap him, but more likely than not, this guy probably lived with you as well. Although you didn’t care for being friends with your housemates, it probably wouldn’t be a good look to be the housemate who slapped the people she shared a home with. So instead of a physical reaction, you simply clenched your jaw and went with the most basic response.

“I live here. I’m going to my room.”

Instead of showing any kind of shame or embarrassment for his very wrong estimate about where the situation was going, bucket hat clicks his tongue – almost in a disapproving way.

“Just watch out… we’re using the rooms on the second floor for hookup space. Or wait was it the third?”

As if you couldn’t have been more annoyed.

“What the fuck? How can you guys use the rooms up there when people are renting them out? How can you even use them when they’re locked?”

Bucket hat started to blink too much as if considering your very real query, “The President has a master key to all the rooms. What do you expect deciding to live in Greek housing for the summer?”

If you had known how much this frat didn’t care about personal space or just basic human rights, you would have never chosen to stay at Lambda Chi. In fact, you would have never chosen a fraternity at all – cheap price or not.

“Is it the second or third floor?”

“Don’t remember,” he hummed, no longer paying you any mind but twirling the football in his hand and eyeing a group of girls who had walked by.

Groaning, you snapped your fingers to regain his attention, “It makes a difference so remember.”

He shrugged and looked at you with an annoyed look on his face, “listen you’re kind of bringing my mood down… And I think I hear someone calling me from the kitchen so…” he pointed his thumb somewhere behind him, “I’m just gonna do that instead.”

Bucket hat guy leaves you standing in the main foyer, squished amongst other people, without another word. Although, you swear you heard him mutter something about you “not passing the vibe check.”

Left without a clue of what to do, you figured that the only viable option you had was to go find the President. Luckily bucket hat gave you one sliver of useful information.

Whipping around, you go to ask Bambam where exactly you could find the President, but he’s too enthralled in a conversation with one of the girl’s waiting in line to get in. It probably would do you more harm than good to get involved in that.

Searching around the space in the front of the house, you look for another brother who could perhaps help you with your task.

Right… Shouldn’t be too hard. Just look for someone who’s confident enough to think they’d be able to get out of a DUI.

A loud laugh caught your attention, it comes from a guy holding a Grey Goose bottle and letting random girls take pulls out of it.

Perfect.

You approached him, placing a gentle hand on his arm that holds the bottle to get his attention. He took notice of you immediately, giving you the same exact look bucket hat had given you earlier. What was up with these guys? They weren’t even trying to be subtle.

“You want a pull?” He asked with a smirk, shaking the bottle in his hand at you.

Shaking your head, you cleared your throat, “I’m looking for the President… Where would I find him?”

Grey Goose bottle guy wiggled his eyebrows at you. Gross. “Ah I see… you want Mr. President. I think he’s in his room.” You wanted to be cordial, but these people just weren’t making it easy.

“What room is his again?” You asked, batting your eyelashes in the most normal way possible – as if that was normal for you.

Grey Goose placed his hand under his chin and tapped it as if deep in thought. He paused and smiled, “I’ll tell you if you take a pull.”

Where were you right now? In what dimension was this actually happening to you? If you told your friends back home about having to take a pull from a bottle of Grey Goose in order to find the President of a fraternity to get him to stop maybe letting people hook up in the room you’re paying for, they wouldn’t believe you. You didn’t believe it.

Sighing you brought your hand up, in a “give it to me” motion. Grey Goose smiled proudly and brings the bottle up, tipping it into your mouth once you have your head leaned back and lips parted. It felt like forever by the time he finally brings the bottle up from your mouth. The burning sensation in your throat makes you want to throw up, and for a moment you think you are, but somehow you manage to take a deep breath and control yourself.

“That was awesome! I think you took like a shot and a half.” I know, you wanted to yell at him, but you bit your tongue. Usually pull meant a swig, not 66 milliliters of vodka.

Wiping your lips with the back of your hand, already feeling lightheaded, you repeated your earlier question, “what room is his?”

Grey Goose nodded, “he’s on the third floor. There’s a huge sign on the door that says President with the chapter’s crest, you can’t miss it.” If it truly was that easy, maybe you should have just gone looking yourself instead of being blackmailed into consuming alcohol the night before you had to work.

“Thanks,” you muttered to him, not bothering to wait and hear a response. You found yourself back at the main stairs, taking two steps at a time until you reached the third floor. It wasn’t long before you realized Grey Goose was right, his room wasn’t hard to miss.

Usually you were a rational thinker. You liked thinking out your thoughts before you turned them into actions, but in this case, you couldn’t stop yourself from knocking on the door as soon as you’re in front of it.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

There’s no answer. Was it possible he wasn’t in his room anymore? You tried again.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

This time your ears catch noise behind the door. There was someone inside, but they were just choosing to ignore you.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

This time the noise was clearer and you can make out specific words being said.

“Maybe they’ll just go away.”

Before you could stop your usual logical mind, you’re reaching for the doorknob – annoyed by this “President” who was trying to make you leave. To your surprise, the handle turns and you swung the door open slowly, being met with a mostly dark room aside from one bedside lamp being on.

“What the fuck?” The deep voice startled you as if you had been expecting no one to actually be on the other side of the door. What the hell were you doing?

Your eyes landed on the large bed in the middle of the room and you really wished you hadn’t. The two half naked figures on top of one another looked at you with wide eyes, the girl immediately grabbing the comforter to cover herself pushing the guy, causing him to fall off the bed.

“Are you for real right now?” the guy asked you from the floor, “get the fuck out!”

You felt frozen in your spot, your hand still on the door knob and unable to break your gaze from the boy on the floor. It was like you were a virgin again based on the way you were staring at his toned chest and muscular arms. You were certain if he hadn’t been sitting and crouched on the floor, you would be eyeing the black boxer briefs that rest on his hips.

“What’s wrong with you? I said get out!”

It’s almost as though his second demand for you to leave is what woke you up, suddenly mumbling a “sorry,” and shutting the door closed.

Opening the door to someone’s room without approval wasn’t something you typically did – you had simply done it as a reaction to the stressful situation you were in. Openly staring at a frat boy definitely wasn’t something you typically did either. It was like your brain had shut off and you weren’t going to let it happen again.

You continued standing in front of the door, unsure of what to do. Should you wait for him to… finish? Was that even the President? Maybe this was your sign that the third floor was the hook up floor. If so, then you were in the clear to go back to your room… so why didn’t your feet want to move?

“Mina come on! Don’t leave! We can keep going!” This time the voice behind the door is much louder and clear.

“You were dumb enough to leave it unlocked! I shouldn’t even be doing this anyways… my loyalty lies with Sigma Chi.”

“What? Just because they’re Phi Mu’s affiliate frat? That’s bullshit!”

“My sisters will kill me if they find out I was with a Lambda,” you heard her say, her voice becoming louder signaling she was approaching the door.

“I don’t understand why that has to stop us from fucking though!”

The door swung open and you find yourself taking a step back, looking away to pretend like you weren’t eavesdropping. The girl glanced at you and rolled her eyes before ignoring the boy behind and heading down the hallway to go downstairs.

While pretending to be fixated on the wall’s chipped paint, you glanced out of the corner of your eye to see the guy in his doorway, clearly annoyed at the situation. He ran his hand through his hair out of frustration and you can’t ignore how fluffy it looked. You watched him run it through three times, before you make yourself look away.

“You,” he grumbled pointing at you, “Here. Now.” He quickly turned, going back into his room, leaving the door open for you to follow. You think that maybe you shouldn’t follow him, but judging on the way he looked back at you with an intimidating stare, it was probably the right choice.

You awkwardly stood next to his desk and watched him reach into his closet to grab a robe to throw over his naked torso, shielding his body from you. As he tied it and sat down on the bed, leaning forward, you’re able to see a sliver of his chest and collarbone where the robe hangs down. It confused you as to why he wouldn’t just put his regular clothes back on, but you found yourself not being annoyed in the slightest at the display of skin.

His eyes bore into you, and it’s almost as though he’s waiting for you to speak first – to say something to make up for your invasion of his privacy.

“Are you the President?”

He looked at you as if you were insane, “what the hell does it say on the door?”

All of the annoyance and frustration that had fueled your fire downstairs, making you a woman on a rampage had dissipated. For some reason standing in front of this guy, you felt like a small child being talked down to. In any other situation you would fight back and show him you weren’t going to take his tone, but for some reason you couldn’t find it in you.

“I was just making sure… okay?”

Mr. President cracked his knuckles, “Why the hell did you barge into my room?” You don’t answer him. You were trying to think of what you would normally say or do to a guy like this, but your mind went blank once again. “You just cost me a hook up tonight, so speak.” His tone is a mixture of aggravated and bored – if that was something that was even possible.

“I mean you’re the one who left the door unlocked…” you mumbled to yourself, but the anger on his face signals that he heard. He threw up his hands, “That still doesn’t give you the right to just walk into a room that’s not yours.”

That really got you. You felt the flame within you being lit once again. “Look who’s talking.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“You’re the one who’s letting people’s rooms be used for sex without their permission. Invading their privacy!” you growled.

Mr. President blinked at you blankly and judging on his reaction, it almost seemed like he didn’t know what you were talking about. Oh… he’s good.

“Excuse me? What kind of place do you think this is? This isn’t an authoritarian regime.”

You took a step forward to where he sat on the bed, waving your finger, “then explain to me why one of your little minions downstairs told me that.”

“I have no clue who would tell you that… or why.”

“Bucket hat… football,” those are the only two words you can think of to describe him, but you hoped that would be enough. Almost instantly he nodded, “Ah Jaebeom… Yeah he was definitely just fucking with you.”

You took a step back out of shock. This was all a joke? These idiot Lambda Chi boys had been playing you? “So, I took a pull from Grey Goose guy’s bottle for nothing? I came up here for nothing? I walked in on you and Ms. Phi Mu for nothing?”

He ignored your comment about the girl’s sorority, a clear admission that you had been listening through the door, “Grey Goose? Do you mean Youngjae?”

The last fifteen minutes had filled you with enough inconveniences, stress, annoyance and embarrassment to feel like a lifetime… and this was only after one week of living in this house. How were you going to last the entire summer? Deal with all of the parties… the douchey boys objectifying you and treating everything like it was a funny joke. Not to mention their chapter’s President who seemed bitter and rude. Surprisingly attractive… but bitter and rude.

Instead of confirming Mr. President’s suspicions that Grey Goose guy was indeed this Youngjae person, you nodded solemnly towards the direction of his door, “I’m going to my room.”

“Wait… you’re living here over the summer?”

When he asked the question, you begin to feel the alcohol you had consumed earlier. Instead of feeling drunk it made you feel dizzy, tired and heavy. It made you feel even more defeated than you already felt from your sudden reality that this was your life for the next three months.

You threw up an unenthusiastic thumbs up and slowly made your way to the door. He looked at you stunned for your sudden disengagement in the conversation you were having. Although to you it didn’t feel like a conversation. Conversations were meant to be constructive, collaborative… Whatever this was, wasn’t that.

You’re in the doorway when he speaks again, “It’s Mark by the way… for when you dream about me later.”

Clenching your fists, you don’t give him the satisfaction of looking back no matter how much you weirdly want to. To see his fluffy hair, bounce as he shakes his head from side to side, that golden tanned skin, his huge-

That’s enough.

That night it takes you nearly two hours to fall asleep. You spend the first hour with a pillow over your head, trying to drown out the party downstairs. The second however, is spent thinking about one… Mr. President. It makes you feel nauseated and when you finally wake up for work the next the morning, all you can remember is the fluffy hair in your dream.

Four days had passed since the party and you hadn’t run into any of the brothers since then. No Kyle, no bucket hat, no Grey Goose. Or Bambam, Jaebom and Youngjae… or whatever. And no Mark. Not that you had been thinking about seeing him again.

Those four days felt peaceful – normal almost, that was until now. Those calming four days came to an end when you came home from your afternoon shift at work, the guys all sitting on the front porch with beers in their hands.

You were quite aware of “porch” culture amongst the fraternities at your school. The members would drag ratty old indoor furniture such as loveseats and armchairs onto the porch near the front door and sit there for hours. They’d drink their beers, play their loud music and shout things at people walking by. Yes, you knew porch culture very well… It was how you had met your ex-boyfriend.

“Well look who we have here!” Jaebeom – sans bucket hat – shouted as you began walking up the path to the porch, “haven’t seen you since the party sweetheart.”

“Shut up man you can’t say that stuff anymore. Feminism and all that,” Bambam said hitting Jaebeom’s shoulder. If you were held at gunpoint and forced to pick a favorite out of them – it would probably be Bambam. He had done the least to annoy you thus far, but you weren’t holding your breath.

“I’m going inside,” you hoped your emotionless tone is enough to get them to leave you be and just get into the house. You’d rather not spend any more time than you have to with the guys – especially during porch time.

“Heard you got history on the row Y/n,” Youngjae’s words made you stop in your tracks. This was the last thing you wanted to talk about, especially with them. You gave Youngjae a death glare, trying to communicate with him to keep his Grey Goose filled mouth shut.

The way Mark looked up at you behind his IPA doesn’t go unnoticed by you. In his mind he was trying to be discrete. He tried to present a look that was a mixture of intrigue but also indifference, even though in reality he was eager to hear his friend’s story about you.

“Some Sigma Chi history to be more specific,” Youngjae wiggled his eyebrows and you have to stop yourself from slapping the smile off of his face.

If there was anything you truly knew about frat guys, it was that every action they did or thing they said was all meant to get a reaction out whatever person they’re torturing. Acting like you didn’t care was going to bring the stakes down for Youngjae and he would ditch the story altogether. Clearing your throat, you shrugged your shoulders, “yeah so what. It’s history and history is in the past so… that’s all that needs to be said.”

He looked at you with the same stupid smile and it doesn’t falter at all. You must have shown too big of a reaction in your response.

“You dated Ryan for almost a year – I’d say that’s a record for someone at Sigma Chi,” him and the boys laughed – all of them except Mark who’s still looking at you, but pretending not to.

You tell yourself not to get upset, not to get angry or cry – because that’s what they wanted from you. Here they were treating the “relationship” you were in like a joke and you had to remain a stone wall, unaffected. Well fuck that.

“Yeah it was a record for me falling for the stupid and douchery of the typical frat guy who was actually fucking other girls the entire time unbeknownst to me because in actuality he never considered us together. But hey what can you do when you’re dealing with guys who have big egos and small dicks?”

The boys stared at you with blank faces, you swear you see Mark smile behind his bottle.

“Is she talking about us too?” Jaebeom whispered to Bambam, “Dude… I think maybe.” Without another word, you pushed open the front door aggressively, making sure it closes behind you loudly.

You don’t know why you thought your “relationship” with your ex-boyfriend was going to work out. The two of you had met because you had been passing by his house during porch time and he cat called you. What the fuck were you thinking? Even at that point you had thought guys in fraternities were terrible, but for some reason that day you just went along with one of them objectifying you… And you fucking made him into your “boyfriend.” That day you had been feeling insecure and low – that was the only explanation you had for your out of character actions.

Being with Ryan only continued your influx of out of character actions. You spent all you free time with him when you weren’t in school or working. Apparently however, all of his free time hadn’t been spent with you. The truth came out after you had planned on staying with him over the summer at his family’s lake house. It had been something you two had talked about for months and when you were only a month away, he had hit you with a bomb.

“Maybe we shouldn’t do this live together thing over the summer. Samantha might get mad.”

To which you had asked, “who’s Samantha?” Then the guy who you had thought was your boyfriend went on to explain how the other girl he was seeing – Samantha – would get jealous if he brought you to the lake house instead of her. The next thing to come out of your mouth was a big “fuck you” and “I never want to see you again.” Hence why your decision to stay at school over the summer was so last minute and you were forced to stay in a fraternity house which was so much like the one your heart had been broken in only a month earlier.

You should have known Ryan wasn’t serious about you – no frat guy at your school would ever be serious with an unaffiliated girl like you. The sex should have told you how serious he was. It would always be the fast, rough kind of fucking where he mostly had you in doggy position or with your mouth around his dick. There was none of the lazy, slow passionate sex that came when you were actually serious or mesmerized by someone.

“What the hell is up with Sigma Chi getting all the hot girls?” you heard Jaebeom ask from the porch. The idiots had left the front window open so anyone could hear what they were talking about – but there weren’t really any boundaries when it came to brotherhood. Instead of leaving and going upstairs, you remained frozen in your spot with an ear positioned to the window. For some reason it seemed like living in this house was turning you into an eavesdropper.

“Guys don’t talk about her like that.” The chiming in from Mark surprised you, he had been so silent outside when you had been present that you didn’t really expect him to defend you.

“Oh really, why?”

“She’s not just a hot girl…” Mark paused for dramatic effect and you can practically hear all the guys on the edge of their seats, “she’s a super-hot girl.” You rolled your eyes as he finished his thought about you, the guys all giving him high fives and verbal agreement.

“So, what do you say Mr. President? Gonna try to hit that?”

Mark didn’t answer the second question, “Mr. President?”

Bambam laughed, “Oh yeah I overheard her on the phone the other night and that’s what she called you.” Okay maybe Bambam was no longer your favorite, “Mr. President and his fluffy hair.” You aren’t sure if you should be embarrassed because of him exposing you or offended because of the voice he uses to mimic your own. You did not sound like that.

Once again, all the guys laugh, but this time you can’t hear Mark’s own stand out giggling in the mix. For some reason you wished you could see his face right now. That’s when you decide it’s probably best to go upstairs.

“Take it, take it all,” Mark growled into your ear as he thrusted into you at a brutal pace. You couldn’t respond to him; your mind was too hazed over with pleasure.

“Wow my cock’s that good that you forgot how to speak? I know you think you’re smarter than me, but it looks like you’re wrong. All it takes is for me to be inside of you for one fucking minute for you to act like you don’t even know your own name.”

He’s right. He’s so right and all you can do is agree with him.

He brings his hand down between the two of you to rest on your clit, tapping his finger at the same pace he pumps into you at. “I know you think I’m a dumb frat boy who’s only good at drinking and partying, but how about now, hmm? Don’t you think I’m good at fucking this tight pussy?”

You awake with a gasp. You’re covered in sweat and your hand has somehow found its way underneath your shorts and underwear. Why the fuck were you having a sex dream about Mark? It felt like your entire body was on fire, even your fan being on the high setting wasn’t going to help you in cooling down.

Getting out of bed, you decided to head downstairs to the kitchen. What you needed was a popsicle and a bag of ice. The ice was to help how hot you felt, the popsicle was a distraction from thinking about whatever the fuck your subconscious had just come up with.

“Hello?” The voice coming out of nowhere causes you to jump as you swing one of the freezers in the large kitchen open. You attempted to squint your eyes in the darkness to make out who the voice belongs too, but it’s too difficult to see.

“If you keep your eyes like that, you’re going to ruin your vision,” the lowness of the voice takes you back to only moments ago in your room when you had been hot and absolutely bothered. It was the same voice from your dream.

“What are you doing down here?” you asked, moving your head around the space, still unable to properly see him.

Suddenly, Mark’s face comes into view as he stepped closer to you so he could be seen in the light of the freezer, he’s so close, you hold your breath, “what? No hello?”

You scoffed, “I usually don’t when people are just down here sitting in the dark.” Mark doesn’t respond to your comment about him lurking and positioned his glance to where your hand was placed in the freezer, “feeling hot?” Your eyes went wide, “w-what?”

He pointed to you hand resting on the box of popsicles, “the popsicles…” Laughing awkwardly you pulled one out from the package and go to reach for an ice pack, “oh… yeah.”

Mark nodded his head, “it’s pretty hot tonight… That’s why I came down here. You know heat rises and all that stuff… I’m on the third floor so…” he drifted off and his tone sounds off, unlike when you had first met him. He almost sounded nervous?

“Listen… I want to apologize for the guys on the porch the other day. They brought up all that stuff about you and your Sigma Chi dude… and it wasn’t cool.” You don’t think about the fact that he called you super-hot and laughed with all the guys, but instead you focus on how surprisingly genuine Mark sounded.

“I’m sorry too about coming into your room and ruining your night.”

“Nah you didn’t ruin my life,” there’s a weird pause and it makes you look away from him, but he’s quick to continue, “I mean that girl was just some stupid Phi Mu bimbo.” Without thinking about it, you hit his arm and he flinched at the pain, “ow!”

“You can’t call a woman stupid or a bimbo just because she wouldn’t sleep with you!” He placed his hands up in surrender, “Sorry, sorry! I’m still learning.”

Mark reached behind you into the freezer and grabbed a popsicle himself. When his arm brushes your shoulder and he gets close enough that you can feel his breath on your face you feel the same pulsing in your core from your dream.

“You should probably eat that… It’ll melt,” he motioned to the popsicle in your hand once he’s back in his original spot, “and close the freezer.”

“Right…” you nodded. It felt like you suddenly lost all intellect when you were around this guy, what was happening to you? It had happened with Ryan… but not on this scale at all.

Shutting the freezer, you’re both met with the darkness of the kitchen. This time you’re able to focus in on Mark’s face despite it being pitch black, both of you opening the wrappers of your icy dessert.

“Besides…” Mark began, going back to the previous topic, “from what I’ve learned… sorority girls are trouble. Not really what I’m looking for. I’d much rather be with someone unaffiliated.” His words caused you to choke on your popsicle, coughing until you feel like there’s no breath in you. Mark’s thankful for the darkness, otherwise you’d see his smile at you being so caught off guard.

“Are you okay?” He asked patting your back, just as you’re at the end of your coughing fit.

You nodded your head, but then realize he probably couldn’t see your gesture at being fine, “yeah I’m okay… just… went down the wrong pipe, ya know?”

“Oh, I know.” The way he said it almost suggests something, but you try not to think about it. Otherwise your panties were going to get more damp than they already were from earlier.

Mark takes a deep breath in and sighs after a moment, “I know you think I’m a dumb frat boy who’s only good at drinking and partying-” he began, but you cut him off immediately when you recognize his choice of words.

No fucking way.

They were the words from your dream. You felt your heart beat out of your chest and you became worried. You really didn’t want to hear what he was going to say next.

“I’m going to bed!”

“What?” Mark feels confused at your sudden announcement and the way you quickly rush out of the kitchen, the sound of your feet running up the stairs the only reply to his question.

You were strange… that was for sure. But he kinda liked it.

Smiling to himself, Mark finished up his popsicle in the darkness and headed upstairs to go to sleep.

“Mark fuck… please fuck me.”

“Oh, is that all you want from me? Is that all I’m good for?”

You aren’t sure what to say, what you need to do to convince him. “N-no.”

“Then tell me… what do you want from me... Really?”

The quick racing of your heart awoke you from your dream. Fuck… not another one.

Should you go see a therapist? Why was this happening to you? It was the third night in a row you had woken up to a Mark Tuan sex dream. This one however, felt different. Unlike the two before it where he was rough with you – this one it seemed like dream you wanted more. Of course, dream you wanted to still be fucked senseless by him – aka the frat boy way – but she was also holding back. She wanted more. She wanted something else. But what?

Climbing out of your bed, you trail down the hallway to the bathroom.

During normal term time all of the bathrooms were for the guys living in the house, but luckily for you they made a few of the bathrooms in the house “ladies only” for the few girls living in the house over the summer. You pushed the door of the bathroom open, being met with the now familiar poorly drawn and weirdly sexual woman stick figure picture taped over original sign.

Expecting to see an empty bedroom, you felt your jaw drop to the floor at Mark’s naked figure in the shower. He hadn’t even bothered closing the curtain.

You felt like you couldn’t move, you felt like you couldn’t think. With his eyes closed under the stream of water, your eyes trailed down his muscular shoulders to his toned abdomen, slowly going down to his length. The same one you had been dreaming about for the last three nights and your fantasies certainly didn’t do it justice.

Before you could truly comprehend the creepiness level of what you were doing, you heard Mark yelp in shock.

“What are you doing!” he yelled, grabbing the curtain from the side and moving it over the lower half of his body.

Your mouth went dry, “I-I-” You attempted to say something, but you felt your eyes watch the droplets of water that cascade down his skin.

“Y/n!” His words snapped you back into motion and you look up at him. It was difficult to say whether the redness on his cheeks were coming from the heat of the water or from his embarrassment of the situation. Mark himself wasn’t sure.

“I- this is the girl’s bathroom. Why are you in here?”

“This bathroom has the best water pressure in the house… I thought since it was so late no one would come in,” he stuttered.

Even though you’re supposed to be having a conversation with him, you find yourself still thinking about how he looked when you first walked in. How long and thick his cock was.

Still recovering from your dream and the peep show you had just been exposed to, you find yourself moving closer to the shower, “you didn’t even close the curtain… It’s almost like you wanted someone to come in here and find you.” He doesn’t say anything, but you make no mistake of noticing the way he grips the curtain harder against his body and the way his breathing gets heavier.

“Did you want someone to find you?” You’re so close to him now that you can feel the steam from the shower opening your pores.

Mark licked his lips, “maybe I wanted you to come find me.”

“Maybe or you did?”

“You know… you do kind of owe me.”

You furrowed your eyebrows. What was he talking about? Weren’t you guys being all sexy? Weren’t you about to do something?

At your nonresponse he smirked and dropped the curtain, revealing all of himself to you once again, “you cockblocked me, so now it’s time for you to make up for it.”

Just like that with your core beginning to throb almost painfully at how much it wants to be touched, you’re set into motion. You join him in the shower, not even caring about getting your pajamas wet. It’s almost as if no logic matters in this moment to you, instead it’s all about you and Mark and your desires for one another.

He pulled you into a heated kiss, pulling you flush against his soaking wet body. You feel his length pressed up against you and you moaned instinctively at the feeling. Your hands roam up and down his body, feeling those muscles you had been obsessing over since your first encounter, stopping when your hand reaches his hardened member.

Instantly Mark groaned out at the feeling of your hand slowly stroking him. He had already felt sensitive and worked up as he had already been thinking about having you under him before you had entered the bathroom.

Mark’s noises send you into another moment of not caring about reality as you kneeled down before him. In any other situation you would be disgusted at the fact that you were willingly on your knees on the floor of a frat’s shower, but this wasn’t any other situation.

You plunge yourself onto him, mouth wide and your tongue lapping at his head. The sudden and almost vicious sucking nearly caused Mark to lose his balance and slip. You pay no mind to the water cascading down your back and beginning to weigh down your hair as you feel yourself be spurred on by the grunts and moans leaving Mark’s mouth.

As you moved more him into your mouth getting a mixture of pre-cum and water dripping from the corners of your lips, you felt Mark buck his hips into you further. The sudden fullness in your mouth until his head was at the back of your throat made you choke around him, Mark bringing his hand to the top of your head to stroke your hair.

“I know how good you are at choking. I know how much you love it, keep fucking going.”

The vibrations from you moaning at his words caused Mark to throw his head back, “show me how much you want my cum. Moan for me, show me.”

Bobbing your head up and down his length, you make no mistake as you continue your noises around him – not for his benefit, but you genuinely felt turned on at just giving him head.

“Fuck, I’m gonna-” before he finished his thought, you felt his warm release in your mouth and you make sure to swallow it instantly.

The sounds of the shower running and Mark’s heavy breathing, coming down from his climax fill the bathroom. It feels like you could just stay here on your knees forever listening to the sounds and you would be fine.

Once Mark catches his breath, he leant down to grab your hand and lifted you up off the wet – and probably filthy – ground. He pulls you into his arms and placed a kiss on your forehead, “damn what the hell am I going to do with you?”

It’s like his words mean more than what he’s going to do with you in the bedroom and somehow that is the thing that finally snapped you into reality. It’s not seeing him naked; it’s not kissing him; it’s not getting down on your knees and suck him dry and it certainly isn’t swallowing his cum. What the hell am I going to do with you?

What the hell was he going to do with you? And what the hell were you going to do with him? The two of you didn’t make sense and you had to remind yourself that you were in a frat house… doing things of a sexual nature with a frat bro. You were not going to find yourself trapped like you were with Ryan. You had sworn off the kind of guy Mark is. You needed to leave it here… no matter how wet and turned on you were right now.

You took a step back, away from Mark and out of his arms, “I- um I should get dry.”

Mark took a step forward and you took another back. He cocked his head to the side, “well… let me help you.” His seductive gaze doesn’t go unnoticed to you, but you have to think with your head for a second. You had already gone against your own “no more frat boys, they can’t commit” beliefs once, you couldn’t do it a second time. You had to quit while you were ahead.

“I’m going to head to bed,” you stepped down from the shower and onto the bathroom tile. Mark lost for words at your sudden distance, “what? Why? Let me take care of you… You haven’t-” Waving your hands, you cut him off not wanting to hear it, “Mark… Don’t. Let’s just leave this at this. Me blowing you because I owed you one…” when it comes out of your mouth, you realize just how ridiculous it all sounded.

Mark took a step toward you, also coming out of the shower and reached to grab his towel, wrapping it around his waist. “Leave it at this? Y/n… I don’t think you understand, I-”

“Mark, I know the kind of guy you are. It’s who your friends are, it’s who all the guys living in this house are, it’s who my fucking ex-boyfriend was. I really can’t do another guy who’s just going to fuck me like I’m an object and be under his charming douchey spell, thinking that he’s all mine. I already did it once and if I did it twice, I think it would kill me. I’m sorry if I led you on or whatever by sucking your dick and making you think that we were going to fuck… and as much as my body wants to, I know it would be smart for me.”

Despite the seriousness of your words and confession, Mark found himself chuckling at the end of your monologue. He’s laughing at your word choice of “sorry if I led you on or whatever by sucking your dick,” but you don’t think about it that way. You think he’s laughing at all of it.

Typical frat guy, you think.

When he noticed the way, your mouth turned into a frown, he feels his heart leap out of his chest. He didn’t want to see you upset… ever. If he could just take some time to talk out how he was feeling to you, then maybe you’d understand how he was – “Goodnight Mark. I’d ask you not to tell you friends about this, but I know you will.”

And just like that you’re gone.

Two weeks and there had been no words exchanged between you and Mark. He had tried countless times to get your attention and talk to you, but you acted as if he didn’t exist. It didn’t go unnoticed by the other people in the house. Bambam prided himself on picking up on sexual tension and when he saw the way you and Mark acted around each other on that day on the porch, he felt it. Sure, the two of you hadn’t said anything, but Bambam could feel the pull between the two of you.

Although previously you didn’t talk to Mark that often in general, Bambam could sense something had happened – something wasn’t right between the two of you. It made him upset to see his brother so down, so… emotional.

“Guys… We have to do something about this Mark and Y/n situation,” Bambam said as he watched Jaebeom and Youngjae practice their beer pong aim in the backyard.

Youngjae looked at him confused, “what do you mean Mark and Y/n situation? There’s something going on there?”

Bambam felt like he wanted to hit him. How Youngjae could be so clueless? He wasn’t sure. “Do you not understand basic human emotions?” The older boy blinked at him mindlessly, before going back to throw the ball at the cups on the other side of the table.

“So anyways… I was thinking we could-”

“That was two! That was two! It totally hit the side of the other cup before it went in!” Youngjae yelled, interrupting Bambam’s big idea.

“Are you kidding? No way. Just take the one or I won’t even give you that,” Jaebeom rolled his eyes, he had enough of Youngjae’s cheating.

“What do you mean you won’t even give me that one? It went in!”

“Guys!” Bambam yelled, interrupting their bickering over the trivial game. They both looked at him with wide eyes, “Can you listen to me? I have a plan.”

Yawning, you decided it was probably time to head in for the night. It had been another long week of trying not to think about Mark.

You barely knew anything about the guy… but for some reason you had this weird pull to him. Deep inside your stomach you had this feeling telling you that this was the guy for you, he could be the one. You pushed it all down, your mind was just playing tricks on you – you were delusional thinking he could be the one.

Heading down the hallway to the bathroom – yes, the same bathroom – to brush your teeth you spot Youngjae coming down the corner. You tried your best to avoid his gaze, it was better safe than sorry to just proceed by ignoring Mark’s friends too.

Out of the corner of your eye as you pass one another, you notice the strange way he stares at you. It’s almost in a diabolical way… but that wouldn’t make sense, right?

Weird.

You’re probably on your sixth yawn when you finally head back to your room, reaching the door and going to turn the handle. Except… the handle won’t turn and your door won’t open.

No, this can’t be happening right now…

Trying again a few more times, you realize it had somehow locked on you. And you… like the idiot you are, left the key inside when you went to the bathroom. Was God playing some kind of sick joke on you? How were you supposed to go to sleep tonight?

That’s when it dawned on you that there was only one option.

The President has a master key to all the rooms

Jaebeom’s words flashed in your head over and over again. You tried to think of something else that could get you back in your room and under your warm covers tonight, but you come up short. You had to go up to Mark’s room.

Slowly going up the stairs to the third floor, you find yourself on the borderline of passing out at how completely nauseous and lightheaded you feel. The only way you could truly make this out alive was if you just pretended to be confident.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

The door swung open immediately after the third knock, Mark looking surprised to see you at his door.

He felt his hands grow clammy, “Uh… What’s up?”

“I-I locked myself out of my room… And I heard the President as the master key so… here I am.” Mark felt his heart fall at the reason for your visit. Some stupid part of him had thought that maybe you were here for him and not a key to your room, “yeah… just give me a minute.”

Mark stepped inside and you reluctantly follow him, letting the door shut behind you with a bang. Both of you jump at the noise and softly laugh when you notice.

“I get scared easily,” you mumbled.

Mark snorted, “I can tell.”

Crossing your arms, you moved towards him, “What’s that supposed to me?”

“What do you think? That you’re too scared to explore anything you have with someone, because you got hurt once. Tough, Y/n but getting hurt and let down is a part of life,” he looked at you once as he fumbled through his drawer, looking for the key.

“It’s not just that I’ve been hurt. You’re a-” He cut you off, rolling his eyes done with your overdone argument, “I’m a frat guy, I get it. We’re all the same, blah blah blah. Save it for your dissertation on how I’m scum for your Psych class or whatever.”

“I don’t think you’re scum,” you said softly.

Mark shut the drawer, unable to locate the key in this part of his desk and turned to you, “then why do you hate me so much?”

You shuffled in place, unsure of what do with all of these pent-up feelings that not even you were sure how to describe – and you were the one feeling them. “I don’t hate you. In fact, that’s the problem… I like you so much, I’m so attracted to you and I barely know you! I’ve had so many dreams about you that it’s made it all even worse.”

Before you could stop him, you felt Mark’s lips on yours and you find yourself being suffocated again – sidetracked from your original intentions of forgetting him. However, the way his mouth moved against yours and the way his tongue slipped past the crease of your lips made you not care. But of course, he was a good kisser, he probably did this all the time to all the girls.

You felt his fingers grip the hem of your top. He bunched the material just below your breasts as his hands splayed across your ribcage. He allowed you to pull away, your chest heaving and your eyes closed, before he tugged the material of your top up and over your head. The two of you looked at each other, as if absorbing what the two of you were doing.

When he dropped the fabric onto the floor, he moved his mouth to your neck. He can’t help himself as he marked your collarbones with his teeth, every inch of you is practically covered with marks when he’s done. While your mind is caught up in the feeling of his lips on your neck, his hands moved to cup your breasts.

He made you feel so damn good, you didn’t care anymore.

“Mark,” you breathed as you shifted your head to give him better access, “d-do whatever you want. Fuck me however you want. Just do something.”

You could feel the vibrations of Mark’s laughter against your neck as he reached around your back to unsnap your bra before he pulled away to watch the material fall to the floor. His eyes glued to your chest for a moment, his pupils darkening with lust, before he returned his lips to yours in a heated kiss.

Your hands dipped beneath the fabric of his t-shirt. You allowed your hands a moment to roam, before you break the kiss and tugged the material of his shirt up and over his head. Once again you feel hypnotized by his chest, just as you had been the first night you met him. You wanted to trace your finger over every muscle, every vain and every inch of skin. Mark helped you out of your pajama pants and returned his lips to your neck.

“As much as I would love to do fuck you until you feel me in every single part of your body, I want to take my time. To show you just how beautiful you are, just how much I want you.”

In your sex induced brain you have a moment of clarity to consider his words. Take his time? Weren’t frat boys supposed to be rushed, quick and just be rough with you? You had not a doubt in your mind that Mark would be able to deliver on that, based on how he had first acted around you… but slow? Sensual? Was he even capable of that? You weren’t expecting him to be so… soft and delicate. It wasn’t a part of his brand.

This time when Mark brings his lips back to you, they’re much softer – he kissed you at an unhurried pace as if he had all the time in the world with you. He gently nudged you to lay on your back, your fingers going to tangle themselves in his fluffy hair. He brings his fingers to curl at the waistband of your panties, “is this okay?” he breathed against your lips. You feel yourself begin to grow more wet at his ask for consent.

“Yeah,” you mumbled, your eyes closed and your hands tugging at his hair, “more than okay.”

With your permission, Mark slipped his hand into your panties. Brushing your folds lazily, his fingers gentle and unhurried as he allowed you to pull away and catch your breath. When he brushes your clit and felt yourself jolt in surprise beneath him. He attached his lips to your neck and began pressing kisses along the column of your throat.

No words are spoken as you moved one hand from his hair and gently squeezed his hardening cock over his sweats. Mark moaned against your skin and moved his fingers a little quicker but not changing his lazy pace as he worked to rile you up. It doesn’t take long as he slipped a finger into your heat and hears you release a content sigh at the feeling.

“You’re so gorgeous usually,” he whispered against the column of your throat as one of his hands go up to pay attention to your breasts, kneading them gently. “But, fuck, you’re even better naked.”

At that you laughed, “You’re not so bad yourself Mr. President, you know for a frat guy and all.” He smiled at you, capturing your lips in another kiss, nudging his sweatpants and briefs down.

The continual strokes of his fingers, working you open along with his hand on your breast makes you feel dizzy. You attempt to focus your attention elsewhere, pressing kisses to his heated skin as he rubbed your clit with his thumb.

You could feel Mark shifting above you, reaching for the stash of condoms next to his bed, before he ripped open the foil packet and pulled away to roll the latex onto his length. His slowness practically drove you to insanity, you just wanted him inside of you now.

“Mark please, I want it.”

Smiling at you, he leaned forward to press a kiss on your forehead, “princess you’re going to get it all.”

Mark returned his lips to yours as he sank into you. His pace is slow, lazy and soft, as he began fucking into you. You had always thought that slow and sensual sex was the best kind of sex, but maybe you were wrong. With Mark it felt like your whole body was on fire – it was pure torture. The way he jutted his hips into you at a rhythm had your core aching for more. It was like all of your senses were heightened, everything felt so much more pleasureful with the way your body was hanging on every thrust.

He buried his face into the crook of your neck and groaned as he felt you tug at his hair again. You felt like you were going to go insane and you needed something to grab onto. For you, Mark was willing to do or be whatever you wanted – something he had never remotely thought of doing for anyone ever, including the guys in the fraternity. He was ready to be at your beck and call, to take you like this – making you feel every single stroke, every single time pump into you.

Mark brings his hand between the two of you back to your core and circled your clit once again, allowing you to fall over the edge. “I know you’re going to look so pretty when you cum, please cum for me. I’ve been thinking about it since that night in the shower.”

His mention of the shower brings you back to thinking about how good it felt to have him in your mouth, how good he tasted when he came on your tongue, how much you’d like to be on your knees for him again. These final thoughts have you clenching around Mark, his groaning getting more consistent telling you that he’s close. He nipped at your skin and sucked the spot under your jaw at the same time he thrusted himself at a semi-faster pace, hitting your g-spot. That finally makes every part of your body go numb, and you feel your hips buck forward involuntarily, everything in you spasming.

As he watched your strong release and felt your walls throb around him, Mark began falling over the edge himself. You felt his hips stutter, his breathing shallow, and his hand clenched your hip firmly as he spilled into the condom and you found yourself wanting the moment to last forever as he remained on top of you. You feel him everywhere, warm and solid and entirely him. He pressed a kiss to your lips, another lazy peck, before he pulled away to tie the condom, tossing it somewhere on the ground of his messy room.

“Are you really just going to throw that on the ground?” you laughed. Mark shrugged, “what if you forget about it later?”

He smiled, wrapping his arms around your naked body and brings you as close to him as he can, “nah there’s no way I would forget this.”

Two Months Later

It was hard to believe that summer was finally ending and the new school year was right around the corner. No longer would be stuck in what you once considered was your own personal Hell – the Lambda Chi Alpha house.

The personal Hell had somehow shaped itself into one of the biggest blessings of your life. It had given you Mark Tuan.

“Finally, you’re home!” Mark smiled, patting the open spot next to him on the love seat at your return from work.

As soon as you plopped down, Mark pulled you close to him, resting one arm around your shoulder and the other on your thigh, “want the aux cord?” he mumbled into your shoulder, nuzzling the side of his head against it.

“No! She always gets aux cord when she’s porchin’ it up with us! It’s not fair! She plays that weird K-pop stuff and makes us the laughing stock of the whole street!” Jaebeom whined.

You laughed, “Don’t knock it until you try it!”

“I have tried it and I hate it,” Jaebeom quipped back, crossing his arms to show his firm disagreement on the matter.

“Fine let’s do One Direction this time.”

“Like that’s any better!”

“Can you guys shut up I’m trying to think of something to say to that girl,” Youngjae grumbled in annoyance at your bickering with Jaebeom.

You looked to see a girl walking by the house. Judging on her large backpack, casual clothes and tired face she had been at the library. You doubt she would be up for any unwarranted cat calling. “Don’t say anything!”

Youngjae looked at you confused, “what… I’m trying to shoot my shot.”

“As a girl, please trust me when I say don’t.” Youngjae pursed his lips in thought, “not even if I just tell her she has a nice smile?” You look at the girl frowning, “she’s not smiling and no not even that.”

“Get a load of this guy,” Bambam said as a guy in Phi Kappa Tau letters walks by – most likely to his house. Judging on all of the times you’ve spent on the porch with the boys now, you knew what was coming. Standing up, he cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, “PHI KAPPA TAU SUCKS.” The guy turned to the porch, eyeing Bambam and flipped him off.

Sitting down, Bambam shakes his head, “it’s because he knows it’s true.”

“Will you ever listen to me and realize that it’s stupid to shout at another frat?” you asked.

Bambam shook his head firmly, “you can’t just get rid of tradition Y/n.”

Mark firmly nuzzled his head into your shoulder again, kissing the side of your neck, “pay attention to me.” A clingy boyfriend might be annoying to some people and at one point in time you also thought that way, but with Mark you couldn’t get enough of it. The way that he was so dominant and attentive in the bedroom, but then so needy and clingy when it came to being in public. Especially when you were with the other guys.

“Anything for my number one frat star,” you cooed, pinching his cheek.

“You know I hate it when you call me that!” Mark whined, “you pay more attention to the guys then you do to me.” As he pouted you leaned in to give him a peck, but instead he brings the hand resting on your thigh up to cup your cheek, deepening the kiss. Youngjae, Jaebeom and Bambam all groan.

“Y/n?” Your name being called breaks you out your bubble with Mark. The bubble that made you feel like you two were the only people in the world that existed. Pulling apart from his lips, you both turned to see who the culprit is that ruined your moment.

“What the hell are you doing at Lambda?” Ryan asked. It doesn’t hurt to see him again; it was just annoying.

“Back from your lake house I take it Sigma Chi?” Mark asked. You had told Mark everything about what went down with you and Ryan – and if looks could kill… Ryan would already be in his grave.

“I’m not talking to you,” Ryan rolled his eyes, “what the hell are you doing at Lambda?” He asked again.

Without thinking about it, you find yourself standing up and cupping your hands around your mouth just as Bambam had done earlier, “SIGMA CHI SUCKS!”

Ryan couldn’t believe his eyes, he stood there blankly on the sidewalk in front of the house, “what? Very funny Y/n… I know you don’t mean-”

You do it again, “SIGMA CHI SUCKS!” The boys on the porch with you begin to laugh.

Ryan pointed a finger towards you, waving it in the air, “now just wait a minute-”

“SIGMA CHI SUCKS!”

Your ex-boyfriend clenched his jaw, “You weren’t even a good fuck anyways!” The words should hurt you, but they don’t because you know it’s not true.

“Uh… Yeah she fucking is,” Mark retorted, standing up next to you, “why don’t you go home Sigma Chi?” And just like that, you and the guys on the porch have your second middle finger of the day – this time from your ex-boyfriend.

As he walked off in the direction of the Sigma Chi house you all laughed at how blatantly offended, he was at just the fact that you had said his frat sucked. It was middle school taunting, but of course it would work on someone like Ryan. Ryan was a special breed of asshole and it makes you feel stupid to think that you had once grouped Mark with him. All of the Lambda boys.

Mark kisses your shoulder, “what are you thinking about?” His smile melted you – it always does. He was one you had been waiting for and somehow your body and subconscious knew it before you did.

“Just how happy I am to have you by my side Mr. President.”

“I’m happy to have you by my side too,” Mark hummed, but soon he pauses, “unless it’s during beer pong… because you really suck.”

“Mark!”

#got7 fanfic #got7 smut #mark tuan fanfic #mark tuan #got7 #mark tuan smut #got7 drabble #got7 one shot #got7 fic #got7 blurb

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youreacowgirllikeme · 3 years

Text

Intoxicated

note: this was a request from @dappertapper69 , I hope you like it :)

words: 4238 (oops)

warning: alcohol, swearing, smut, unprotected sex (pls don’t do that) hope that’s it

“Focus, damn it! “you told yourself, hastily writing down some notes on your tablet before looking back up to where your boss was standing in front of the white board. It was the daily morning meeting, so you still were a bit tired, but that’s what coffee was for and it was certainly not the reason you weren’t able to pay attention.

It was him, your boss. Right now, he was showing some poll graphic, but your eyes were fixed on his muscular arms and rolled up shirt sleeves. He looked so good when dressed casually, the top two buttons of his dress shirt were undone, and you desperately wanted to run your hand into the neckline.

Yes, your boss was hot, but he was also really intelligent, kind and funny to no ends. The whole package, and your crush on him was big.

But your boss was also Jake Tapper, the lead anchor of CNN Washington, and there was no way he would ever see you this way. No, he was your mentor, and you basically owed everything you had right now to him.

You’ve met about a year ago at a debate Jake was moderating. Covering the event had been the first major job you’ve gotten from the newspaper you we’re working at back then, and while you weren’t really satisfied with print media, you had to take what you could. But meeting Jake had changed your life for real. You had started talking about what you were currently writing about, and you showed him some of the freelance articles you had done in for various political blogs.

He had liked your work, you exchanged numbers and two weeks later, a job offer from CNN Washington was on your desk, assistant producer for The Lead with Jake Tapper. You had to read the letter three times before actually believing it. It was the opportunity of a lifetime, and you had no doubt who was behind it.

You didn’t hesitate for a moment, you directly called Jake to confirm, and two weeks later you were all packed up and ready to move to DC.

Jake went above and beyond to make sure your transfer was smooth in every sense, he helped you find an apartment, gave you a two-hour long office tour on your first day of work and regularly checked up on you in the first weeks to see if you were adjusting. He still did that, to be honest, even now that you’ve worked here for months and had learned the ropes.

But you didn’t mind at all, you have learned so much from Jake, journalism-wise as well as when it came to politics, history and literature. His general knowledge was so impressive, another thing that made him so ridiculously attractive to you.

But considering all the facts, jeopardizing your entire career by making a move at Jake was just impossible. But Lord, you wanted to.

You were so caught up in daydreaming that you didn’t even notice that the meeting was over, everyone already left except for Jake. He was packing up his stuff and looked over to you.

“Y/N, everything alright. You’ve been really quiet today, and you look exhausted. Is there something you need?” He asked, sounding genuinely concerned.

Bless his heart, you thought. There was definitely something you needed from him, but you would not go there. And it wasn’t like you could tell him that the reason for your exhaustion was the wet dream you’ve had of him last night, one that made you wake you up drenched in sweat and with soaked panties, unable to fall asleep again.

So you just dismissed him. “I’m fine, don’t worry. Just a lack of sleep.”

“You know you can always come to me when there is something up.” Jake said, putting his hand on your arm in what was meant to be a friendly gesture, but just got you even more worked up. You had it bad for the man, and that was why needed to get out of this situation right now.

“Of course, I know.” You gave him a tight smile, hoping he would buy it. “But I really need to go now, lots of stuff to do. I’ll see you.”

Later that day, when you were alone in your office booth, you texted your friend who was working in another department of CNN.

I def need to let off some steam tonight. Club? Xx

She texted you back a couple of minutes later.

Run in with the hot boss again? ;) But sure, let’s do it xx

Even though it was a weekday, the club was bursting with people. You already were on your third or fourth round of shots, and the base was humming through your body, blasting away your worries.

You dragged your friend over to the dancefloor when you heard your favorite song starting to play, the alcohol creating a warm and fuzzy sensation you totally got lost in.

+++

When you woke up the next morning, you regretted every decision you ever made. You didn’t remember how you got home last night, and your head felt like someone had smashed it in with a hammer. And on top of all, you were late for work.

When you finally got the office, everyone was already coming out of the morning meeting. You carefully made your way inside the meeting room, where Jake was still packing up his stuff, as always. As you approached him, your heart almost jumped out of your chest, as it usually did when you were alone with him, but now with the added fear of his anger.

But when he glanced up and saw you, he looked…relieved? You were confused, you had expected a telling-off, but he appeared as if he was happy to see you.

“Thank god you’re alright, Y/N, I was so worried when you didn’t show up this morning.”

It was when he took a closer look at you that he noticed your appearance, and undoubtedly sensed the alcohol still lingering. He had a very keen sense of smell, something he told you a while back. You swallowed when you saw his expression shift from friendly to irritated.

“You’re hungover.” He stated matter-of-factly, his voice cold.

“Jake, I’m really sorry, I-“you began to apologize, but he was not having it.

“Look, it’s really none of my business how you decide to spend your free time, but I expect you to act professional when it comes to the job, and that doesn’t include showing up late and hungover. I will let this one slide, but this happens again, and we have a problem, am I clear?” he was definitely angry, and you should be intimidated my that. You really felt remorse, but seeing Jake worked up like that also made your stupid brain come up with thoughts of him throwing you on the desk of the briefing room and working out his frustration on you.

“I said, am I clear?” Jake asked again, you had clearly zoned out again.

“Yes, sure, clear.” You said in a small voice, now immensely ashamed that you had disappointed Jake, after everything he had done for you.

“Again, I am really so sorry.” You called after Jake as he was making his way out of the room, but he just dismissed you with a wave of his hand.

The thoughts you had about Jake didn’t leave your mind for the rest of the day. You wanted him so bad and seeing him constantly when he was so out of reach was getting harder every day. You desperately needed to clear your head, the only way you knew. So, against your better judgement, you texted your friend again, and a couple of hours later you found yourself in the same club, drunk and dancing without a care in the world.

You almost hated how much you needed this, the music, the people surrounding you, the alcohol flowing through your veins, making you forget everything.

You lost count how many drinks you’ve downed, but you lost sight of your friend as well, so you decided to go outside for a smoke and some fresh air.

You picked your phone out of your pocket to message your friend when a fantastic idea hit you.

Why not call Jake? You were having a great time, and it only made sense that you should share it with him, because you really liked him, right?

“Y/N? It’s the middle of the night, what’s wrong, did something happen?” a still sleepy, but increasingly alarmed Jake asked from the other side of the phone.

“Hiii Jake, oh my god, I’m having the best time ever here, it’s so fun, you should come too! C’mon its Friday, you should party a bit.” You basically screamed into your phone, your voice slightly slurred from too many drinks.

“Shit, it’s Friday morning, which means there is still work tomorrow. Wait, are you drunk? Where are you?” Jake asked, his voice was full of anger now, and under normal circumstances you would be really worried about that, but right now, you did not care a single bit.

“Oh, I’m at that great new club downtown, it’s called the red…I can’t remember, something with red, and the people are so nice, but I lost my friend, so I think I’m going home soon.” You rambled on, the alcohol loosening your tongue.

“There is no way in hell you’re going home like this, Y/N. You stay right where you are, I’m coming.”He definitely sounded infuriated now, and even your intoxicated brain understood the instructions.

“Alright, Jakey, I’ll see you.” But he had already hung up.

You kept aimlessly walking around in front of the club for a while, making drunk small talk with other club goers, when suddenly, someone grabbed your shoulder and yanked you around. It was Jake, tired looking and with a deep frown on his face.

“Jaaaaaake, you came!” You exclaimed and threw your arms around his neck. He stiffened against you and softly pushed you away.

“Y/N, you’re wasted. Come on, I’m getting you home.” He said, voice leaving no room for arguments. He grabbed you by the wrist and basically dragged you to his nearby car, pushing you into the passenger seat. When he leaned over you to buckle your seatbelt, he came incredibly close to you, and again, you spoke without thinking.

“You smell so nice, Jake, like a forest.”

He just gave you a puzzled look and walked around the car to get in the driver’s seat.

The drive to your flat passed in tense silence, you were busy staring at Jakes hands angrily gripping the steering wheel, wondering if they would feel as good around your neck as you imagined. You could feel a tingle between your legs and started squirming a bit, until Jake grabbed your bare tight just below the hem of your skirt and snarled “Stop moving like this, I have to focus on traffic.”

You had to stifle a moan at his rough touch, but if he noticed he didn’t comment on it.

When you finally arrived at your building, Jake had to support you while getting into the elevator and to your door, you weren’t that steady on your feet anymore and by now, more of a tired than a giddy drunk.

“That’s mine.” You said and started fumbling with your keys. “You wanna come inside?”

If you had been sober, you would’ve noticed the pained expression that flashed over Jakes face just before it hardened again.

“No, I certainly won’t come inside, but this is what you are going to do. You will drink a glass of water, brush your teeth and set your alarm, so you will be on time at work tomorrow where we can discuss” he gestured angrily between the two of you “whatever this stunt was. Understood?”

“Yes.” You answered meekly “and thank you for taking me home!” you called, but Jake was already on his way back to the elevator.

+++

When your alarm woke you up only a few hours later, you felt like hell. And that was because you could remember everything. No blissful blackout this time, you were able to recall every vivid, horrible detail of how you had made an absolute fool out of yourself in front of the man you admired most in the world. You owed him one hell of an apology, and you were not really sure how to go about this.

You entered the office like a beaten dog, shoulders hanging and praying to the gods you looked better than you felt. Jake ignored you in the morning briefing, so you stayed behind to face his wrath. When you were finally alone, you spoke first.

“Jake, about last night, I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am. Not only did I act extremely reckless and unprofessional, but I also took advantage of our friendship, which is something that a value more than anything. I accept whatever repercussion you see fit, I just hope you can see how sorry I am.” By the end of your little speech you were almost crying, your disappointment in yourself and your fear of Jakes reaction were making you physically sick.

Jake stayed silent for what felt like forever, and when he finally spoke, your anxiety was almost killing you. “Yes, I am immensely angry about what happened last night. But most of all I’m worried. The Y/N I know doesn’t act that irresponsible, getting absolutely wasted two nights in a row. I went to talk to your friend down in the sports department earlier this morning. I know, that might be considered unprofessional, but she’s just as worried as I am. She told me you’ve been drinking a lot lately, and always more than you should. What is wrong, Y/N, what are you hiding from me?”

That was the perfect timing to tell him everything, how he was on your mind all the time, how you wanted to kiss him, touch him, be with him in every way possible, so bad that it was keeping you up at night or haunted your dreams. But you couldn’t, there was too much on the line.

“Nothing, work is just stressful, I’ve been working overtime so much; I had to blow off some steam. I’m just sorry I dragged you into this.”

Jake stepped closer to you, and you could feel your heart speed up at the way he was looking at you, something like heated curiosity on his face.

“So, this has nothing to do with the way you threw yourself at me last night, or how you told me I smelled nice?” he asked, his deep voice making goosebumps break out all over your skin. “Or with the fact that you tried to invite me into your apartment?”

“Jake, it’s not how it looks like, I swear. I won’t bother you like this again, ever, I promise.” Your voice starting to become panicked, this couldn’t be happening, he couldn’t know.

But Jake just chuckled and leaned down to whisper into your ear.

“I think I know exactly how this looks, Y/N.”

He took a step back, suddenly looking calm and collected again, as if the moment you just had never happened.

“I have to go now, but I see you tonight. The office party in the bar down the road, you remember? I expect everyone to at least show up for a while.”

Great, you thought, having totally forgotten about the event. You just wanted to curl up in bed and feel sorry for yourself, but obviously that wasn’t in the cards for you today.

And so, a couple of hours later you found yourself in said bar, surrounded by your colleagues. You already had a short talk with your friend, ensuring her that you weren’t mad that she talked to Jake, you were convinced it came from a place of concern.

You kept it at two drinks, but it was enough to lighten your mood a bit. Jake was talking to someone in another corner of the room, and he looked fantastic with a casual blazer and no tie. There were moments when you felt like he was watching you, but you were never able to make eye contact and were too shy to approach him directly.

It got late and people were starting to hit the dancefloor. You decided to give it a go as well, and soon you were totally lost in the music.

Suddenly, you felt a set of strong hands on your hips and the presence of a warm body behind you. You spun around to tell whatever creep decided to grope you to let it go when you saw that it was Jake. He was smirking down at you, moving his body to the music. You weren’t sure what to do, you were incredibly nervous, but having him close felt so good. Deciding to be brave, you just took his hands and put them back on your hips, giving him a small nod. His grin broadened and you could see his eyes sparkling in the dim light of the dancefloor. He pulled you closer until your bodies almost were almost touching, you put your hands around his neck and started to lightly move against him.

Jakes eyes were darkening as he looked down at you, and his grip on your hips tightened noticeable. Being the center of his attention like that, in combination with the pulse of the base and the pleasant warmth of the alcohol in your system made you slightly lightheaded, you felt like you were in your own little bubble, just you and Jake. You started to lightly gyrate your hips, and you could swear that you heard him groan over the sound of the song playing. He pulled you even tighter against his body, by now you were grinding against each other, never leaving each other’s eyes, and your body felt like it was on fire. The tension between the two of you was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. Your faces were coming closer and closer to each other, and your heart was basically jumping out of your chest by now, when suddenly, someone burst your bubble.

“Jake, we need you in the studio, there’s been an incident with…” some agitated guy tried to scream over the music, and you couldn’t make out all the words, but the next thing you heard was Jakes voice as he leaned down to address you.

“I have to go for now, but this isn’t over. I’ll see you on Monday.” It sounded promising, and a delicious shudder went down your spine at his words, easing away some of the frustration you felt at being interrupted.

The weekend was long, you didn’t call or text Jake, unsure what to say. So you just tried to distract yourself until it was finally time for work again.

The week started with the usual morning meeting, and you and Jake weren’t even trying to hide the glances you were giving each other. The dynamic between you had definitely shifted, and the tension only increased over the course of the day.

He was purposefully standing closer to you than usual, you let your hand lightly brush against his leg when he was sitting next to you at lunch and during the afternoon shows ad breaks, his eyes were fixed on you, never leaving you out of sight. You looked back, biting your lips and Jakes eyes widened, he looked like he wanted to devour you. You knew that sooner or later you had to face him and address what was going on. So when you got a message from Jake shortly after the show was over, telling you to meet him in his office, you basically ran there.

In front of his door, you took a moment to collect yourself before you knocked and entered.

Jake was leaning against his desk, tie and suit jacked discarded, arms crossed over his chest.

You made your way over to him and when you were close enough, he put his hands on your hips, like he was picking up right where you left it Friday night.

“You know.” He said, and his voice was a bit husky. “I’ve been in quiet the state since our dance Friday night. And your little touches here and there haven’t helped at all.”

He accentuated his words by pulling you flush against his body, and you moaned simultaneously when you felt the evidence of his arousal pressed against your belly.

You smirked and got on your tiptoes to whisper into his ear “I see, now what am I supposed to do about that?”

You pressed a kiss to his neck, and the deep groan he let out was almost sinful.

He reached out to grab your jaw and kissed you in a way that made it clear that he had lost his usually tight control. You held onto him with both arms while he spun you around and probed you up onto his desk, sending papers and pens flying in all directions. No one of you cared.

His hands found their way under your skirt, climbing up until his fingers were stroking over your already soaked panties. He pressed a finger to your covered clit, and you couldn’t suppress a loud moan.

“God, Y/N, how are you already so wet, I have barely touched you.”

“Get on with it then, please.” You groaned, spreading your legs to give him better access. He complied, pushing up your skirt. You lifted your hips so he could swiftly slide your panties down your legs, exposing your glistening center to the cool air of his office.

His fingers crept up your tights again, parting your lips and plunging two digits inside you while his thumb was rubbing your clit in light, circular motions, the pressure creating the most perfect sensation.

“Yesssss.” You hissed and tried to move your hips into the direction of his fingers to increase the friction, this wasn’t nearly enough for you.

“Please Jake, I need more.” You looked up at him and his eyes darkened.

“Don’t worry, I’m going to take care of you.” He whispered, withdrew his fingers and opened his fly. He pulled down his trousers and underwear, revealing his cock. You licked your lips at the sight of it, you were definitely going to enjoy this.

“You better come over here right now.” You whispered, and Jake stepped between your legs, the tip of his cock nudging at your entrance, teasing you.

“Damn, Tapper, fuck me already.” You groaned, and a second later he was thrusting into you in one fluid motion, instantly setting a brutal pace. You slapped your hand over your mouth to suppress the scream that was bursting out of you at the feeling of being filled so roughly. By now, you were almost lying almost flat on his desk, various clutter digging into your back.

Jakes hand were on your hips again, grabbing them tightly while slamming into you over and over. You had to keep your hand pressed to your mouth to prevent your loud cries from spilling out. Jake was hitting a perfect spot deep inside you with each hard thrust and you already knew you wouldn’t last long.

“I’ve been thinking about this for the whole weekend, throwing you on that desk and fucking you.” He growled through his clenched teeth and hearing him talk like that made your arousal spike. You had never seen him so unhinged, and it was glorious.

“You feel so good inside me Jake, so good, please fuck me harder.” You whimpered, and when he deepened his thrusts it only took another moment till you hit your peak with a guttural cry, a disfigured version of Jakes name falling from your lips.

He fucked you through your climax, never slowing down. Beads of sweat were beginning to form on his forehead, your mixed breathings and groans and the sound of skin slapping against skin echoing through the office.

When he reached between your legs to rub your clit again, it almost felt like too much, you were overstimulated, but he was relentless, rubbing and pressing until you were on the edge of another orgasm.

“Jake, ugh, I’m going to come again.” You cried, and when he pinched your bud between his fingers you felt like you died and went to heaven. The walls of your pussy were fluttering and clenching down onto his cock as you hit your second peak, this time dragging Jake along with you over the edge. He gave one last forceful thrust and released himself deep inside you with a growl.

After he pulled out, Jake helped you get up from the desk and pulled you against his chest.

“You should have told me earlier.” He said, voice still slightly breathless. “How you felt.”

You lifted your head to look him in the eyes.

“I wish I had.” You answered. “Would have saved me a lot of trouble.”

“What is this too you?” he asked, his voice strangely emotional “What do you want from this?”

“I want you. If you’ll have me?”

The kiss he gave you in response was all the answer you needed.

#jake tapper #cnn #cnn anchors #jake tapper x reader #jake tapper fic #fanfiction #cnn fic #smut

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justamusicpodcast · 3 years

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Episode 6 out today!

We’re talking about Blues music

Transcript under the cut

Sup, I’m Laura Cousineau and welcome to Just A Music Podcast, where I, Laura Cousineau, tell you about some music history, how it relates to the world around us, and hopefully, introduce you to some new tunes. This show is theoretically for everyone but I will swear and when it comes down to it and sometimes we may need to talk about some sensitive topics so ur weeuns might wanna sit this one out.

And boi unless you’ve had that talk with ur kids about systemic racism you might wanna let them sit this one out because we’re gonna be touching on a bunch of terrible racist shit this week Because we’re gonna be talking about the Blues and various different type of blues musics. I’m actually really excited to talk about it too because blues, as you guys will find out in the future is kinda the basis for a lot of other, what one might consider more modern, genres of American popular musics. So this one’s gonna be important for ur earholes and ur brainholes. Just like last time I will be airing a sensitive content warning for some graphic descriptions of violence and I will put the time stamps in the description for y’all for when that starts and ends.

First though, I wanna issue an apology for being away so long, I tend to work on this podcast in my free time, and currently I’ve had none of that what so ever. It just so happened that October worked out this year that it was thanksgiving and my birthday and then a bunch of big projects due then Halloween and now I’m working on my fucking thesis proposal, I’m actually recording this episode at 1:35 am on a Saturday night/Sunday morning, so needless to say all this in combination with trying to deal with my depression hasn’t been a cake walk but we’re making it work. I will likely run up against a similar time issue during the first couple weeks of December because that’s when all my final papers are due. After that thought I should have smooth sailing for about a month. I wanted to make sure I had an episode out this week because as I think… well everyone… is aware the American election took place this week and understandably people were stressed as shit about that. So I think we could all use a little music right now.

Ok so Like all fuckin things we need to know where blues came from. Now blues is actually a lot older than a lot of people are gonna be expecting, like really damn old. Like pretty much everything in academia (and I mean EVERYTHING, at least in the humanities), the dates are contested, but it seems that the blues, or at least what began as the blues, started in and around the 1860s. For those who didn’t listen to last week’s episode on slave songs, spirituals, and gospel, or just those who don’t know their American history too too well, the 1860s marks a very important time for black people, many of which at that time had been enslaved, because in 1865 the thirteenth amendment was amended into the American constitution. For those who aren’t aware, the thirteenth amendment as stated by the national archives of the United States of America reads as such: "Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction."

Now this of course was fantastic news of course! And for some people, this might be where you think oppression in the Americas ends for Black people but you would be incredibly wrong! Because this is the period where we see the start of a phenomenon referred to as sharecropping. Sharecropping or crop sharing as it’s known otherwise is considered part of what we historians sometimes refer to as the Jim Crow economy of the American South after the civil war. But what is Jim crow economy, what did it come from, why is it bad, why is sharecropping bad, how does any of this relate to the blues? Well lucky for u lil turnips imma tell ya.

Jim Crow culture is something that I imagine most North Americans will have even the most basic knowledge of but for those that don’t the name Jim Crow as applied to economy, laws, and any other part of American culture during these time periods refers to sets of crazy fucking racist laws written and unwritten that kept black people subjugated under the whims of the government as well as their fellow white countrymen. The term Jim crow itself is reference to a song often featured in the supremely racist minstrel shows of the mid to late 1800s and early 1900s referred to as “Jump Jim Crow” in which a white man in black-face sings in a parody centric dialect about the life of a charicaturishly uneducated back-woodsy Black man named, you fuckin guessed it, Jim Crow. The significance of the Crow being that it was a pejorative term for black individuals which can actually dated back to the early mid 1700s. Now I wanna preface the excerpt of it with the fact that I’m uncomfortable listening to this, I understand if others are too. The thing is that acknowledging these uncomfortable things and knowing about them is necessary in order to understand the type of historical impact that they had. “So laura, you must obviously support statues being raised to commemorate things like slavery and secessionism!” Absolutely not. Where statues and monuments exist to praise the efforts of individuals, the listening to and learning about songs in a teaching context like this very podcast are meant to educate. Statues commemorating culture surrounding one of the worst atrocities to have taken place on American soil should never have been erected in the first place let alone celebrated. One is meant to celebrate while the other is to educate because one is a historical primary source that lets us think critically about the history, the other is a tertiary celebration. The purpose of listening to a clip like this is then to educate and understand a piece of actually history, not to replicate and enjoy. The version of the song that I have is sung without the charicaturish accent but uses the original words but with all that in mind here’s a bit of Jump Jim Crow:

In terms of laws I’m sure just about everyone knows separate drinking fountains and schools but this really permeated pretty much every sphere of life for Black peoples especially those in the south. I say especially those in the south but not exclusively those in the south because racial segregation, although not as supported by law but more socially, also existed in the Northern States as well as in Canada. Anecdotally, my mother grew up in a suburb of Cleveland Ohio, she remembers going into Cleveland when she was a kid when Cleveland was still a very racially segregated city, Black peoples lived in, shopped in, and attended schools in certain areas of the city and white people in other’s. My grandmother who was also raised in the area even remembers Black people having separate lunch counters if any at all in some of the larger department stores in the area.

It might also be handy when I mention the south to actually talk about what the south and particularly the deep south is for y’all outside of America. So when we talk about the south we are talking about a geographically bounded area just not the area that one might think of by looking at a map because where you might be thinking like ah just take the country and cut it in half, and the bottom half is the south that wouldn’t be correct. So, from the United States Census Bureau itself the south we’re talking about is Alabama, Arkansas, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, Mississippi, North and South Carolina, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas, Virginia, and West Virginia. Now some who live in the surrounding areas such as Kansas might also consider themselves as being from the “south” somewhat culturally but those states previously listed as the official ones. When we talk about the DEEP SOUTH however, that range closes a little more, and that would mainly just include Georgia, Alabama, South Carolina, Mississippi, Louisiana, and sometimes Texas and Florida due to their involvement as part of the confederate states of America, meaning states that were on the south side of the civil war.

Also briefly just so we’re clear, again this is for those people who didn’t receive the best education on Slavery and the Civil War in general but to be clear, the civil war was fought over primarily states rights to use and perpetuate slavery. The common narrative you hear a lot in protests by those on the right, who would like to uphold the institutions set out by their forefathers in the creation of the abominable act, is that the civil war was primarily fought over states rights. What they then so often forget to elaborate is that those rights were perceived as the right to govern themselves independently so that they may still be able to employ slave labour in the operation of their economies and also to expand further westward to continue and be able to use slavery out in those areas as well.

The reason that we hear about these Jim Crow laws particularly in the South is because where the Northern states and Canada did have (and still continues to have) some violent racist issues, the Jim Crow south was specifically really bad. And I mean fucking abominable. Though Black people were free from being directly owned, society at large and all it’s trappings found new ways to oppress them. This started with Black Codes which were individual state law codes that dictated where Black peoples could move, for how long they could stay, restricted their rights to vote (or made it extremely difficult to vote via poll taxes, literacy tests, etc), as well as where they could work, and in some cases even if their children could be taken away from them on the basis labour needs. So I really can’t drive home the point enough of how much life sucked for Black peoples under Jim Crow laws and economy in the southern states, to call it any less than abominable would seem to understate it in a major way. In the 1880s Jim Crow laws hadn’t started to be rolled into large southern cities yet so many Black peoples were inclined to move into them because life was actually slightly easier for a short while. White people being offended and upset at this, because “how dare a black person just try to live their lives in my good white pure Christian neighborhood,” then fully supported Jim crow laws being rolled out to remove them from areas where white people would normally interact with them. This included but was not limited to, barring them from public parks entirely, having entirely different theaters at one point and then segregated theaters after a while with separate entrances based on your race, restaurants, bus and train stations, water fountains, restrooms, most building entrances in general, elevators, amusement park ticket windows, public schools, phone booths, hospitals, asylums, jails, elderly care homes and even fucking cemeteries. Of course being treated as diseased subhuman parasites is never enough for the racism machine that is the public conscious at this time so there was also a lot of violence both systematic and grassroots that accompanied this era.

And here’s where I’m going to have to issue a sensitive content warning because I’m about to describe some truly heinous shit in a whole second. So by violence, I mean very public and very culturally accepted violence, similar to what we’re seeing more and more of in the states again. As many will know now in the light of the many many many police shootings of unarmed, unthreatening black people in the states, the police traditionally haven’t been on the side of black citizens. This is due to a number of reasons, for one, on the most basic of levels the police serve to protect the interests of those in power, in our case that means the property and lives of middle to upper class (mostly) white Americans. The natural extension of this is that many police forces in the states, especially in Southern states started out as slave catching forces bringing back runaway enslaved people to their owners. So as time progressed and Black peoples became a “free” population this still meant protecting mainly middle to upper class white people from the “threat” of black people. This was enforced in a number of ways, such as arresting black individuals found breaking these rules, framing black people for crimes committed by others and arresting them for population suppression, and turning a blind eye to the grassroots violence perpetrated by non-black citizens, which very often were white citizens. An example of just straight up police brutality can be found in the case of Isaac Woodard JR. who was viciously beaten by police only hours after being honorably discharged from the fucking military on February 12 1946. The bus driver driving Woodard and some of his fellow soldiers called the police after Woodard asked the bus driver if there might be time for him to use the restroom as they approached a rest stop. When the police arrived, the bus driver accused Woodard of drinking in the back of the bus and he was hauled off, dragged into an alley and beaten with nighsticks. That night he was thrown in the town jail, by morning he had been beaten so severely he was left permanently blind in both eyes.

And that grassroots violence is just as nasty, really fucking nasty. The violence could be perpetrated for things as small as being in the wrong place at the wrong time, entering a white neighbourhood, “talking back to” the wrong person. Since black men have always been are still to some degree subject to the stereotype that they are all sex incensed monsters, being left alone in a room with a white woman could be enough to incite violence against them. In the Mississippi delta during the season where share cropping debts were settled up, there was a sharp uptick in violence against and killings of black people. If you were white, because let’s be real here some white people definitely were on the side of their oppressed countrymen, you could be hung on the basis of being an N-word lover, which could range from being found to being in a romantic/sexual relationship with a person of colour, to just being fucking friends with them. The violence was often varied too, where kidnapping and hanging someone either with or without brutalizing them first (also known as a lynching) is the form most commonly associated with Jim Crow era violence less extreme but still horrible harassment could perpetuate in any form. Mississippi had the highest amount of lynchings from 1882-1968 with 581. You might think that is a low number but first, similarily to when we were talking about slavery in the last episode, 1 lynching is too fucking many, and secondly these are only the ones that were officially recorded. Since lynchings didn’t always happen in broad daylight and since law enforcement really didn’t care about Black individuals, there were almost certainly more that happened that just never were recorded. Georgia was second with 531, and Texas was third with 493. 79% of lynching happened in the South. So as I said before though, lynching was not the only form though, beatings were also entirely all too common forms of violence perpetrated against blackf people to make them scared and thus more compliant. A good example of this is the case of Emmet Till a 14 year old boy who made the mistake of playfully flirting with a white woman, who was beaten nearly to death, had one of his eyes gouged out, was then shot in the head, and tied to some cotton mill equipment before his body was thrown in a river. This wasn’t even that long ago, the beating happened on the 28th of August 1955.

THE next parts are also gonna be not great but there wont be anymore descriptions of graphic violence, so I’m calling an end to the sensitive content warning. So the then how does sharecropping play into all this and what does it have to do with the blues (we’re getting there babes I promise.) So as I explained previously, sharecropping was a part of the Jim Crow economic era. It was part of the era of reconstruction meaning the period of rebuilding after the civil war. How it worked was that let’s say for a second, come with me into the theater of the mind for a second, take a seat, close your eyes, take a deep breath, Ok so lets imagine for a second you’re a farmer in the south, the civil war has kinda left you in a spot, if you’re black, you’re starting off without an awful lot, you don’t have any generational wealth you don’t have property likely aside from maybe a relatively small plot of land (but this was uncommon,) you probably didn’t have much if any equipment because that would have been way too expensive, and the land you may have had may have been of shitty quality. So what could you do to earn yourself a living?! Well you would go to a landowner, and ask him rather kindly if you might be able to work the land they lived on in exchange for some of the profits of the crops that you would produce. The landowner would provide you with the tools, seed, housing, land, store credits at local shops in order to subsist offa for food and other supplies and sometimes a mule in order to help you work the land seeing as motorized machinery was still few and far between in the united states at this point. The issue of this system is that how much you receive for you labour, the cut that you actually get from selling crops, that you grew with ur own backbreaking labour, is more or less decided by your landowner. And as I mentioned last episode, those who’ve ever had to rely on the benevolence of a boss for any period of time knows that this shit ain’t gonna cut it. So often you would end up underpaid, underfed, and in a debt hole that lasted as long as you did. If it sounds like legal slavery that’s kinda because it was. You would basically remain in indentured servitude to the landowner for as long as you were a part of this system. Like don’t get me wrong there were people who managed to not be a part of it but it was an incredibly largescale problem.

It’s important to note that this wasn’t just a black phenomenon either, white tenants of sharecroppers existed and in incredibly large numbers as well. By 1900, 36 percent of all white farmers in Mississippi were either tenant farmers or sharecroppers (by comparison, 85 percent of all black farmers in 1900 did not own the land they farmed). This all sucks for various reasons but like partially because there was this whole other plan proposed that after the war, all the land that had been seized from slave owners would have been divvied up to the newly freed slave populations. It was colloquially known as the 40 acres and a mule plan but yeah unfortunately never happened cause fuckin president Andrew Johnson was like ”WELL AKSHULLY SWEATY I THINK THE LAND SHOULD GO BACK TO SLAVE OWNERS BECAUSE UHHHHHH” AND THEN IT DID AND THEN WE ENDED UP WITH SHARE CROPPING. But anyway that’s sharecropping. And of course I could go onto describe how all of this still affects black people in the united states and how the effects of systematic racism are still being felt generations later but… we’re gonna save that for a different episode. FOR NOW THOUGH, WHY IS THIS ALL IMPORTANT, WHY DID I TAKE ROUGHLY 3000 WORDS TO TELL YOU GUYS ABOUT THE HORRORS OF RECONSTRUCTION ERA SOUTH!? Well because we’re talking about the blues, and what does it mean when you have the blues, it means that you’re sad as hell, given all that I’ve just described to you is it no wonder that the blues emerged as the soundtrack to the lives these people lived?

So then what is blues? Well as I mentioned last time, blues sort of develops out of the field holler/spiritual tradition. A fair amount of field hollers, a type of work song that enslaved peoples would sing in fields while they were doing their work, were about regular ass things for regular ass peoples; this dude stole my girl, im gonna find me a girl to love, life sucks and im gonna sing about it, life doesn’t suck so much but I’m still gonna sing about it. Blues then tended to explore more themes related to the sadder points of those stories but in similar ways and styles. So where did blues come from specifically, what makes it a different genre than a field holler or a spiritual, and that’s a great question so let’s get in it.

Let’s say for a second you went through a real shitty period in your life, you significant other named steve dumped you, your pet armadillo, also named steve, died, ur mom (also coincidentally named steve) has taken away your showering privileges, you’ve forgotten how to speak ur native language and to top it all off you just burnt your gotdamn mac and cheese. You spiral into a deep situational depression that lasts quite a little while. During this time you listen to one album on repeat just over and over again, you know it all inside out and backwards and diagonal, you know every instrumental part by heart, you’ve got the lyrics tattooed on your ass, the whole 9 yards. And then you start working your way out of it, slowly but steadily the days start getting brighter, you move out of your abusive mother’s house, you find a new partner or get comfortable being single, you appropriately morn the loss of ur pet armadillo, hell you even learn to make a better mac and cheese, things aren’t all fixed, and life isn’t breezes and cakes but it is ever so slightly easier than it was before, at least you have ur freedom right? BUT NOW, everytime you listen to one of those songs from that album it mentally brings you back to the way things used to be and it’s not great. Well that’s kinda what happened with blues music but, ya know, infinitely worse. Essentially, black people wanted a new sound to accompany this new life and so they fuckin made it and it’s great.

The similarities of blues to field hollers and spirituals are relatively easy enough to hear if you know where to look which isn’t really surprising given that blues is the evolution of it. For example the basic structure stayed pretty similar, simple rhyming schemes, simple harmonies, melismatic vocal structures in places, and many times the lyrics were often very similar to those forms before them. But it goes even further than that! Most of the early blues melodies were directly derived from their spiritual predecessors. So for some comparison here’s some songs, first one is gonna be a field holler, next one is gonna be a spiritual, and then the last one is gonna be a blues song mmk? And here we go:

AND ACTUALLY YOU KNOW WHAT WAIT, JUST CAUSE IM FUCKIN, OOO BABE, OK, SO WHEN I WAS RESARCHING THIS FUCKING EPISODE I WAS TRYING TO FIND GOOD AUDIO CLIPS TO USE, AND LEMME TELL YA MAN YOU WOULDN’T THINK SPIRITUALS WOULD FUCKIN EXIST OUTSIDE THE LIBRARY OF FUCKING CONGRESS CAUSE APPARENTLY THEY HAVE A GODDAMN STRANGLEHOLD ON ALL BLACK SPIRITUALS EVER RECORDED BY THE LOMAX’S. The thing is is that fuckin copyright at least in the states is supposed to run out 75 years after the death of the recorder or fucking owner of the rights, which it certainly has been for Alan Fucking Lomax BUT NOOOOOOO, I HAVE TO NEARLY PURCHASE A GODDAMN CD IN ORDER TO GET YOU GUYS A FUCKING ACCURATE REPRESENTATION OF MUSIC THAT CAME OUT LIKE 100 YEARS AGO. To be clear I refuse to buy anything for this podcast other than my recording equipment, but man researching this podcast is big joab hours, god just keeps fuckin testing me. Just slap my ass and call me a pickle, ok, rage is over, time for songs:

These freed populations wanted a new music, a music that fit their current situation better, that didn’t rely on the imagery of the past in order to get across the situation they were in. And so that’s what blues did, it was a new sound for a new era and even more importantly it was a sound entirely their own. Whereas field hollers and various other types of music sung by enslaved peoples were by definition their invention, many of them still borrowed heavily from the dominant cultures of their oppressors, and so in creating blues what they had was something they could 100% call their own. Even if they didn’t own the land they worked/lived on, and had few rights to the crops they sewed and reaped, they did have blues, and that’s something beautiful.

But when does it become a thing, like when does blues start becoming a thing? And that’s a hard part. Like any cultural phenomenon it’s hard to fuckin say, there’s some accounts that say 1865 like the fuckin second the civil war ended, then there’s some that attribute it to the 1920s. Most of the sources I’ve looked at put it around 1890-1910. It originates unsurprisingly in and around the Mississippi Delta Region and East Texas where you have a lot of farmland and thus a lot of poor folks just trying to scratch out a living for themselves. AND SO THE BLUES BECOMES A THING AND IT’S COOL AS HELL AND IT DEVELOPS IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS! And I’m sorry that I’m not gonna get enough time to do every subgenre of blues, but we’re gonna look at 3 of the big regions or subgenres of blues.

So blues first of all have all those things that I mentioned before simple rhyming schemes, like ABAB or ABCC, simple harmonies, Call and response is definitely a thing that still happens in this specific style, but then they also have blues notes, for those who missed the last episode, blues notes are notes within a standard scale that are “bent” (or at least that’s how they were initially described.) These notes are lowered by a semitone making the overall colour of the sound a bit darker and more… emotional, sad? Like we ascribe emotions to the way things sound and that might be western centric, I’m actually gonna have to look into it later, but for western listeners we’re gonna read the emotion in these tones as sad. So the notes specifically are lowered the 3rd 5th and 7th degrees of a regular scale. I’m going to play you guys an example of blues scale in just a second but the guy playing the example is using the pentatonic version of the scale meaning only 5 notes of it.

In terms of instruments the most standard you’re going to find in any blues band is at it’s most basic one guitar and a person singing. You could even make an argument that just singing could be blues if you’re using a blues scale but usually there will at least a guitar and one dude singing. The rest of the intstruments are gonna depend on the region you’re playing from. So remember the moaning thing I mentioned last time? The moaning style vocals? Not pioneered by but made popular by a man that went by Blind Lemon Jefferson? This one:

Well he falls under the Mississippi/Texas type of blues which we’re gonna call texasippi. It differs from other types of blues in the united states for a couple reasons but one of them is that moaning style of vocals, in other parts of the country the style where the blues vocals function similarly to other styles of singing, clean and clear, no moaning. Another cool thing that texasippi blues also does is they incorporate a lot of metal into the way they play their guitars. Not like the heavy screamy kind that’s come to be MY fave, but like actual metal objects! How they incorporate this is through the strings of the guitar specifically causing a little extra twangy buzzing when the strings resonate but also a sort of pleasing screech when they’re shifted up and down the strings like this:

but what did they use to make this sound? Well just about anything small enough and metal you could thread between the strings or held against them while playing, this coulda been bottle caps, pocket knives, silverware. Remember, we’re still talking about a type of music that was very much being played by people without very much or no money, so you’re using what you can to make it. Nowadays you can purchase wee cylanders made of glass or metal that go over ur fingers that you press up against the strings to create the desired effect. In addition to this, something that’s pretty regional to the blues in this area is the harmonica. I’m assuming most of you know about the harmonica and have heard it but for those who don’t, the harmonica is a squanky reed instrument that you play with your mouth. I would tell you the physics of how it works but fuck if I ever studied physics. Basically when you blow in it, it vibrates the reed and makes a note depending on the holes you blow into, and when you suck air in it, it makes other sounds! They can be very very large or very very small thus changing how low or high the sound is respectively. They were invented somewhere in the early 1800s in Germany we think and they sound something like this:

How were harmonicas introduced into blues music? Well turns out, much like some of the other instruments we’ll see in a hot minute, harmonicas were often carried by soldiers during the American civil war, even President Abraham Lincoln himself was reported to have carried a harmonica with him in his coat pocket and would play it as he “found it comforting.” Thing about the harmonica was that it was relatively easy to make and it was extremely cheap to buy in comparison to other instruments at the time, even better was that you really didn’t need lessons to figure out how to make it sound good. So during the reconstruction period, as industrialization rapidized in America, and harmonicas became more available, and previous soldiers reminisced about the songs they heard played in their camps during the civil war, more and more people started picking up the harmonica. And so poor southern americans were able to incorporate the instrument into this new music they were developing like this:

Also I would big time recommend just watching the video for that song, dudes just sittin there legit just suckin on his harmonica at some point, that’s what I fucking call dedication bud. The cool part about blues from the texasippi way is then during the great migration, the phenomenon that I mentioned last episode, where black southerners just start heading northwards, is that the blues travels with them too. Just briefly on the great migration, remember all the shitty stuff I discussed earlier, the lack of work, sharecropping, lynching and what have you? That’s why the great migration takes place. Basically black people all around the south are going jesus fucking christ shit sucks let’s get out of here and find somewhere better to be, and so they do, and about 6 MILLION Black Americans head north to where it’s… better. I mean there’s definitely still racism and all sorts of jim crow era laws and practices up north but it is still some degree better than the south. So this great migration is how texasippi blues music then comes to be transplanted into Chicago, and turns into Chicago blues.

“BUT LAURA” YOU SAY, UR HANDS CLENCHED INTO FISTS AT UR SIDES, “IF TEXASIPPI BLUES IS THE SAME AS THE ONES IN CHICAGO THEN HOW’RE THEY DIFFERENT!?” YOU CRY WITH TEARS FORMING AT THE SIDES OF YOUR EYES. And you’re right b, they are the same so why are they different? Well ya gotta remember that time does funny stuff to music similarly as it does with language and just abut anything else, things change over time, AND, things get invented over time. And time as we’re moving into now is like 30s and 40s era. So in the case of Chicago blues we get the additives of the piano, which has been around for some time but people are now just being able to put into their blues music due to becoming more financially stable, BUT WE ALSO GET THE COOL NEW INVENTION OF THE ELECTRIC GUITAR. Now there is some speculation over the invention of most things throughout history, for example, y’all might be familiar of Thomas Edison not actually inventing the lightbulb and being a bit of a dick about things, so when I talk about inventors of things, unless otherwise stated, please take it with some amount of a grain of salt. So Paul H Tutmarc may have been the first person to invent the first electric guitar when he managed, by some feat of science, which I will not explain because science is for wizards and freeks and while I am both of those I am not at all qualified or able to explain it, but essentially he managed to electrify a Hawaiian guitar! He supposedly invented this sometime in the 1930s. Here’s an example of what that sounds like:

Very Spongebobby… spongeboblike…spongebobesque… so EITHERWAY the electric guitar, as well as the electric bass is invented and so those are then infused into Chicago blues. In some cases you will also get the addition of drums and saxophone, but it is the electrified elements as well as the piano that really characterize the biggest difference between Chicago blues and texasippi blues. Overall, it sounds like this:

Something you also probably heard in there was just the level of intensity, the volume or what I’m gonna call the perceived volume, is louder. Whereas the songs of the texasippi blues is a little softer, quieter, very much just dude and his guitar volume, Chicago blues is gonna sound a little louder and a little more intense at most times. This is due to blues clubs becoming a big thing during this time period. And why shouldn’t they? In diaspora communities, that is communities consisting of people from a similar ethnic or national background, you often get patterns of similar settlement. So in our case, when Black Americans started moving northward, they would often settle in similar communities or move into similar communities based off of their ethnicity. Afterall you wanna be able to live in places where people understand your experience. There’s also the element of racism of course, homeowners associations making it hard for Black folk to move into white neighbourhoods and of course school segregation which didn’t end until the 1954. So while in some cases there was def an element of wanting to feel safe in a community of people who understand you, there’s also a big ol element of racism as there pretty much always is when we talk about anything. Seriously ur gonna be surprised at how far reaching and fucking just convoluted and stupid racism is, especially when we get into like Europeans being racist against other Europeans. So since we have all these people moving up north they need to be entertained, we all need entertainment after-all, but lo and behold! They can’t go to white clubs in a lot of cases because fucking racism (unless you are a performer in which case sometimes you can go to white clubs but only to perform, I’m gonna get more into that when we have our jazz episode.) So we start having blues clubs and because they’re a club and there’s drinking and talking and what not, often these songs tend to be a little louder or more rowdy to compensate.

On the other end of the country we also have my favorite flavour of blues which is the New Orleans blues. I’m definitely 100 percent biased when I say this but why does everything in New Orleans just sound better? If I had to guess it’s the multiculturalism and thus people bringing in tonnes of different ideas, but it’s hard to quantify awesome so we’re just gonna leave it there. BUT YEAH so we have texasippi blues that travels down the river (cause things rarely travel up a river) and hits New Orleans. But again, if we’re talking about the same style of blues then what makes it different? A lot hunny, a lot. So as we talked about in our last episode there’s a lot of different cultural elements at play in Louisianna culminating in some cool ass musical styles and changes. It’s also absolutely something we’re gonna talk about when we go back and do the Jazz episode cause lord knows New Orleans jazz is just as fuckin hot and dangerous (like serious lemme just go fuckin hangout with you guys down there, that’s all I want, musical tour of louisianna) I will say though that the line between jazz and blues does tend to get a little blurry though when we’re talking about New Orleans Blues so just hold onto ur femurs there yall and strap in.

So New orleans blues is different from other types of blues again by incorporating horns and piano into the music, most notably this will be the trumpet cause trumpets after the civil war just kinda leached out into the general public and since people got used to them in that capacity they became sorta naturally engrained into the soundscape of the music of the area. “but laura doesn’t Chicago also have horns?!” and ur right man they absolutely do, but there’s even more. So where texasippi blues relies on a rather standard rhythms in most cases, the New Orleans Blues scene takes from some of that different heritage and combines Caribbean inspired or based rhythms. We can find a good example of the inspiration for those rhythms in another genre of music that was popular at the same time, Calypso. Calypso is a genre of music which we will look more in depth in the future but just really generally for now it is popular in the Caribbean as well as certain parts, South America (particularly Venezuela), Mexico, and of course New Orleans during this time. It is usually up-beat and relies a lot on emphasizing the offbeat, and these are all things that we hear being incorporated into New Orleans blues during the time. So when we hear blues from New Orleans, one of the things we can usually use to tell the difference is merely just the upbeat tempo of things and slightly more rhythmically complex manner in which it existed. In fact Blues in New Orleans was so fuckin different it actually started what we know of as R&B or rhythm and blues which sounds like this:

Just a quick detour, I fuckin love like, blues and jazz names. The Man I played just there was Roy Brown but man the names really take off on occasion my personal favorite being Guitar Slim Jr., but we also got Fats domino (sometimes just known as fats, or the fat man), we god fuckin Professor Longhair, we got a dude who just goes by the name sugar boy, like… guys…. What happened to nicknames like that, I wanna walk around and when people see me comin at a distance they just point and go oh lord here comes swamp papa, like, that’s livin man, I dunno what to tell you but that’s absolutely livin.

Anyhow, what ur gonna notice, or maybe you didn’t notice but I’m gonna tell you and you can go back and notice is that blues, (along with jazz but we’re gonna get to that) as it goes on and evolves starts sounding a lot like early rock and roll music, and that doesn’t happen by coincidence. Also you’re probably noticing that blues at least as far as it goes for the Chicago variety and the New Orleans variety we talked about, sound a hell of a lot like Jazz and again we’ll get more into the specifics later. The thing is when we talk about invention, whether it be music, or physical things, or even sometimes schools of thought and ideas is that things get borrowed and changed and moulded into something else by other people. Hell the phenomenon of something being invented in multiple different places at the same time is so common enough that it even has a name, it’s called multiple discovery. Generally people in North America prefer a more black and white “this thing was developed at this time and this place by this person because definitive reason definitive reason definitive reason.” Because we have this weird sense of individuality and crediting individuals with discovery as opposed to a group or the society itself as maybe it should more rightly be. This means that in our endless want to categorize and systematize and ize all these things, particularly things like music, it gets sorta difficult to discern what is what and why and how. Of course we’ve already seen this with spirituals and gospel, and now we’ve seen it with blues/jazz/and early rock.

I just wanted to bring it up sooner than later because, especially as we move into more modern north American Genres, and honestly genres from various other places throughout the world. I wanted to bring this up now before we go any further in this podcast because as we get into more modern genres and hell maybe even with this episode I imagine I might get some rather angry mail from elitests who will smash their foreheads on the keyboard in absolute blind fuckin dismay and rage accusing me of putting the wrong genre lables on the wrong songs. The thing is though, like most art, or definitions in life, things are salient. Just because music fits one genre doesn’t mean it only fits within that genre, in the case of the Rhythm and Blues song by Roy brown that I played earlier, while it is definitely Rhythm and Blues there’s also gonna be other people who strongly consider that Rock and Roll. And that’s alright! Music doesn’t have to rigidly fit into one genre, we give things genre titles or group things into genres to help more easily understand their histories and identify other things that sound like it! All music is going to have variation, and in the case of rhythm and blues, a style of blues that very much informs early rock, you’re going to have cross roads like that. So instead of getting defensive, maybe take some time to think about how cool it is that music exists on an ever evolving spectrum.

So with that, that’s all for just a music podcast this week, I hope you’ve heard something new, and I hope you’ve heard something that you like. If you haven’t there’s always next time where we’re actually gonna do something a little different. Next time we’re gonna look at the Minstrel show which I’m subtitling right now, “why we don’t wear black face.” In the meantime, though if one of y’all would like to suggest a topic I would love nothing more than to answer your musical questions or talk about topics that interest you guys in music. Feel free to drop me a line at [email protected]

List of Music: Jump Jim Crow - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjIXWRG09Qk

Belton Sutherland's field holler (1978) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CPJwt14d5E&list=PLAyuUbD3Cdhxx__cTlFDrkxxKiYllrYwJ&index=2

Wash Dennis & Charlie Sims - Lead Me To The Rock - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zmPqmLovNms&list=PLAyuUbD3Cdhxx__cTlFDrkxxKiYllrYwJ&index=4

Leroy Carr & Scrapper Blackwell - How Long Has That Evening Train Been Gone - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEw0ek2BhJE

Blind Lemon Jefferson – Black Snake Moan - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3yd-c91ww8

Mississippi Fred McDowell - You gotta move - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtlVSedpIRU&feature=emb_logo

Red River Valley -Traditional - Harmonica solo by Kyong H. Lee - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKM4bn4kS-0

Sonny Boy Williamson - Keep it to Yourself - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtRxJDb3vlw

Paul Tutmarc performs - My Tane - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUOms5y6cmI

Buddy Guy - First Time I Met The Blues - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1jruvTBleY

Roy Brown - Mighty Mighty Man - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhp8jMykAVg

Technical Clip I used: PianoPig (on youtube) - Minor Pentatonic vs Blues Scale https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uwz0b-At1ys

#music #music podcast #podcast #just a music podcast #music history

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allbeendonebefore · 4 years

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I was kind of under the impression that this is just a widespread thing in Alberta, especially because of the Angus Reid fractured federation survey (I cant include the link here, but you can Google it, its from January 24th 2019). When got back into Hetalia, I imagined the dynamics kinda changed to this, which would be pretty bad tbh. I hope its not that aggressive in Alberta, I will never be able to go check tho, too expensive :( I loved the bad french btw

i see you guys sending these asks super late at night and i wonder whether any of you sleep - idk where you’re writing from and i may be on the west coast but are you guys ok wherever you are? I just woke up but I have my tea and if I’m not caffeinated now I surely will be as I answer this.

I’m sure I’ve seen the survey you’re speaking of before and before I address it in any specific detail I just want to back up and re frame Why I’m Being Like This in regards to recent events and my orientation towards answering these questions in terms of Hetalia the way I do, because I think it’s the heart of how I answer.

the tldr of it is:

1. I have an opportunity to make interpretations of reality in unexpected and challenging ways, therefore widespread opinions don’t govern anything but my stupid gag comics in the simple sense that if everyone was represented by widespread opinion alone all the time, nothing would change and

2. if i can answer dozens of asks about ralph and oliver hanging out there’s absolutely no reason I can’t answer asks about ralph and jean hanging out, lol.

3. If you’d like a shorter, more concise “vision statement”, I have one on @battle-of-alberta here. (although now I notice the links don’t work on mobile so you’ll have to be on desktop for that one)

I’m assuming this will be long so cut time

(and yes, alas, the bad french is my legacy and I’m afraid it has not improved much although i swear i was an A student when i was actually taking it) (and no please don’t visit now, purely for pandemic reasons, it would be really expensive And you’d have a bad time) (and talking to me is free lmao) (I do not mean to say that you need to have feet on the ground to understand a place at all, i mean, at the moment I don’t lol)

headings because I say a lot

what even is hetalia

At the most basic level, Hetalia is a tool that can be used in a variety of ways. It can be for memorization, current politics at a glance or historical relationships in different settings. I use it for all of these things, of course, I certainly use it a lot in comics that take place in the much more distant past in @athensandspartaadventures. When I was writing that, I was in undergrad and AaSA was a tool to help me pass my exams, I didn’t think of how it might be read or interpreted by people who have lived in or experienced those places these days, or what kind of political and cultural tensions it might reveal. (Not to say that it has gotten me into sticky situations, exactly, but I am more aware of where things like that would arise now).

These days I look back on a lot of my experiences - both in IAMP/Hetalia and just as a person, and I think that if Hetalia is a tool it should be used with some awareness of intention and responsibility. Things in the fandom have changed as it became more mainstream and more well known and I think there’s a definite worry about screwing up or not representing Everything or not pleasing Everybody or not doing it Right. I have a simple, insufferably academic principle.

(That said, yes, you can still do it very wrong if you write a methodology.)

Still, it’s a comfort to me that I’m just doing the things the way I say I’m going to do them, and that is the underpinning of Inspired But Not Constrained By Hetalia. I don’t do things Himaruya’s way, I can’t do things the way IAMP would do them if it were running today because it’s not and things have changed, all I can do is do them how I would do them.

I have hurt people in the past because they sometimes couldn’t tell whether I was writing From an Albertan Perspective or not, and I’ve evoked some preeetty spicy comments over the last decade, and I realized that tone and perspective are something that really shapes how people understand and interact with my work and I’m trying to use that understanding in a conscientious way)

what even is alberta

So when you’re me and you’ve grown up in a province that is the Angriest in the country and the most Misunderstood in the country and the most Entitled in the country and nobody outside of maybe Saskatchewan has a good thing to say about you half the time and maybe you’re tired of that... you get kind of depressed thinking about how every year some kiddo comes on the internet ready to be excited about making or celebrating characters that represent themselves and No Matter Where They Go running into everyone else’s negative impressions first and foremost.

We joke about how everyone hates Toronto, though I’ve always understood it in a teasing way because I’ve never ACTUALLY met someone (outside of our current legislative assembly) who REALLY hates Toronto, but it does feel like I’ve encountered (directly or indirectly) people who do Genuinely hate Alberta and hoo boy is That a strange feeling. I mean, there’s an understanding that BC also ‘hates’ Alberta but half the people in BC are originally from Alberta so it’s a, uh, different feeling.

The story of Alberta from everywhere else is always the story of that Angus Reid article and the memes and comments and listicles that spin out around mainstream media. Alberta is giving too much. Alberta is getting too little. Alberta is too stupid to understand that equalization payments are a good thing actually, and Alberta is too dumb to understand you don’t really need EI if you make enough money in six months to own a house and multiple vehicles Just Because you own a house and multiple vehicles. Alberta is destroying the environment for everybody. Alberta has a huge concentration of white supremacists. Alberta is the Texas of Canada* and has the conservative streak and bible belt to match. Alberta should get annexed by the US. Oh, but Banff! We like Banff, though.

And like I said, politicians use these widespread feelings to stir up the sentiments of people who can’t afford to travel, people who are naturally suspicious of mainstream news, people who have barely even left their hometowns let alone the province and have no other means of validating what they hear, but people who’s emotions are genuinely tied to real feelings of alienation that really exist and HAVE existed for generations. And when the so-called “laurentian elites” in ontario and quebec make fun of them for being uneducated red necks, well, you hit a wasps nest and expected what, exactly?

what even am i doing

And like I’m faced with this question every day I decide to pick up my stylus and badger you all with unsolicited comics: do I want this to continue? Do I want to wear the mask that fits? Do I want to stand aside and say #notallalbertans #notlikeotheralbertans and stand over here on the island** patting myself on the back for not? being? there? Do I say yes, you’re right, and stand aside and watch loud mouth white supremacists co-opt wexiters and let them lead the perception of the province I grew up in just because that is what’s currently happening? Do I acknowledge the widespread sentiment and then pick apart every other province to say Well Actually You’re Equally Problematic Hypocrites, So There?

Obviously I’ve been saying no for a while. I’m perfectly happy to acknowledge the reality and when I draw stupid gag comics like this or this you can tell (hopefully) from my style that it’s tongue and cheek. When I draw less stupid not-gag comics like this or this I am trying to explore the Real Sentiments in a way that doesn’t completely polarize the issue and spin it out of control. I’m more of the opinion that even though Current Sentiments do get in the way that as personifications they 1. have some perspective and as people they 2. have some interest in not throwing out a friendship that was a struggle to build up every time the polls change or some new radical party seizes power. I do a lot of research and I want that to be reflected in my understanding of each characters deep seated beliefs and motivations, but I don’t want to let either the history or the current realities dictate the future if I am going to try to do that myself.

why even am i doing it for

So like really the heart of the matter is: I am writing what I write for my thirteen year old self. She was the me who moved back to Canada from the United States, who’s first introduction to living there was a hellish surge of nationalism after September 11th. Who’s defense against that was to hide behind a shield of Canada is Better, Actually and who returned to Alberta during the boom years to realize that, oh wait, the rest of the country thinks we’re assholes just like they think the United States is. Who spent her teenage years learning that, boom or bust, the widespread sentiment in and out of the province is just as narrow, shortsighted, self interested, and stubborn as her own fiction of What Canada Was Supposed to be Like. Who learned that propping up that image at the expense of her friendships was not worth it, that propping up that image at the expense of people who are suffering and dying under that image is not worth it. Who found herself rehashing the same sort of gut reaction defensiveness online because the Guilt and Apologizing on behalf of her province compared to others felt Really Heavy for a kid who didn’t have any clue what to do about it and was just there to have fun and learn some stuff.

So I’m writing for anyone else who finds themselves exhausted and saddened by coming online and seeing that the only way that people can imagine Alberta is as an antagonist. I’d like to challenge everyone to start to imagine it better. It’s my little “escape” from reality, and for me it’s much easier to talk to people here where the stakes aren’t as high and the grievances a little less personal.

I’m also writing (in a more secondary way) for everyone who’s ever looked at alberta from afar and wondered What is going On inside your Head and is it always This

(no comment at this time)

as always, I’m here to explain At The Very Least what goes on in My head because at the end of the day, that’s all I can do. And though there are some things that make me angry and emotional, I’m happy to explain why. Happy to answer asks or chat on discord or whatever, any time I have the time. :)

footnotes

*This is just a footnote to say something I didn’t want to interrupt the flow of my comments, but this is an annoyance that me and my Texas Tomodachi share lol

**You’ll notice angry Albertans online have a favourite tactic, and that’s pointing out hypocrisy. They can justify A N y T h I n G by calling another province a hypocrite “so there” (i.e. BC can’t claim to be environmentally conscious because of Victoria’s sewage problem or Site C) - and while I am interested in shattering the image of Alberta vs. the Perfect Rest of Canada a little bit, I feel like it’s a very lazy argument that is used to deflect and not to help. I think it is more useful to unpack the sentiment of Why Alberta Still Feels Taken Advantage of rather than mudslinging, and when the mud starts flying no one seems interested in addressing problems anymore.

#hapo rambles #hapo replies #hapo rants #yeah y yeah alberta #projectcanada #iammatthewian #pc: alberta #iamp: alberta #Anonymous #will i actually directly address the survey #maybe later but i have other stuff to do #you can remind me

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fueledbysprite · 4 years

Text

abandoned wips masterlist

so not too long ago i did an insta poll asking if i should expose all my abandoned fic drafts cause i mean it’s not like theyre ever gonna see the light of day otherwise. i was going to do it when i hit 3k kudos on ao3 and i did so i suppose it has come time for me to expose my mistakes

for obvious reasons, don’t repost these (idk why anyone would lol) but if you really like one of these and want to see it continued, just hit up my ask box and i may or may not consider~

Miscellaneous Fandoms:

Ninjago: Zephyr - a Morro backstory fic bc the hageman bros refuse to feed me more content of my son. barely started it but yknow its there

Miraculous Ladybug/BoBoiBoy: this failed attempt at a fanginette fic bc @secretagentspydetectiveninja got me invested even tho writers block is a binch hahshs

BoBoiBoy:

kokotiam gang angst that reminded me i cannot for the life of me write emotional angst (or any angst for that matter oop)

ramenzo (and kaifang) angst that i churned out on a saturday afternoon on a writing spike instead of doing homework bc I Do Not Control the Writing Juice

au where bbb is a forest guardian(?) and fang just wants away from Society (same fang same) i will probably be yearning for woodland aus till the day i die bc who *doesnt* wanna ditch everything and go live in the middle of the woods amirite?

ramenzo n boifang water fight bc you cant convince me these idiots dont get up to ridiculous shenanigans on their downtime

abandoned draft for the sequel to the og ramenzo fic (dont bother reading it literally nothing happens i swear)

i literally don’t remember where i was going with this i think it was supposed to be fang introspection but idk??

uhh kaifang with ramenzo vibes i think this was gonna be? i genuinely don’t remember anymore oop-

RAMENZO IN QUARANTINE yes this one was regular au (i mean duh) and it’s a shame i never ended up finishing it-

i am actually goboifang t r a s h...until i realized im going to have to make all the food by myself and i never learned to make food :’)) (fr if anyone provides me with any kind of fanon gbf content i will love you forever pls)

this...exists even tho i honestly prefer it didnt but ramenzo is ramenzo n ramen has freckles i will fite u on this (dont read it pls)

if anyone wants ramenzo crumbs (and i mean that quite practically) then feel free to consume the Specks

dont read this pls im begging just dont lets yeet it into the void it doesnt exist~ I Do Not See It

update: i discovered this uhh kaifang post-bora ra incident thing in my other drive

Miraculous Ladybug:

okay forewarning there are wayyyy too many of these so im skipping the ones that are sequels/dependent on other fics for context just to spare myself from having to sort through this mountain

i was planning to participate in chlonath week 2k19 (unfortunately for chlonath nation I Do Not Control the Hyperfixation oop) if you want context then ask

marcnath crumbs thats it thats the doc

oh look allya is self projecting again (writing is still pain) (marcnath)

for the one who requested chloenette with the dialogue prompt i am so sorry

idk why this feels like something ive posted before but then again all lovesquare is the same to me (dead) so who knows im not gonna bother checking hshsh (marichat)

chlonath go to comic con or sth idk chloe is tsundere as always (or would have been anyway if i ever ended up Finishing this)

i *think* this was based on a @terrible-miraculous-ladybug-aus post but heck if i remember now- (lukanette??)

i have absolutely no recollection as to where i was going with this but if anyone finds the concept interesting then by all means go ahead n snatch it- (manon finds the miraculous i guess?)

this is a great. opening. to a chloe fic. that doesnt exist. oof :,)

caline bustier’s home for orphans amirite (i mean she basically already adopted the whole class so)

im genuinely not a fan of the jealous!lover trope but someone in the marcnath server wanted some at one point so i. attempted. and failed but you know thats to be expected at this point :’3

oh look allya is projecting her writing struggles onto marc again is anyone surprised?

theres probably a museum brotp story in here but it doesnt exist and at this point it never will rip

oh good lord not this again i genuinely managed to forget about it for a while until now-

i just read the first line and im already reeling what the heck is this nathanette(??)

WHY IS THERE MARICHAT IN MY WIP FOLDER WHAT

allya stop projecting onto emo weebs challenge failed

i really wanna know where the context for chlonath skiing trip came from i literally have 0 recollection of this at all??

YO I ACTUALLY REMEMBER THE CONTEXT FOR THIS ONE anyway nath n aroace!alix arranged marriage au anyone?? well too bad cause i abandoned it oop-

ahahahahahahaha wdym i wrote 7k of chlonath and then ditched it i would never do that lmao-

i think this was a hunger games au uh

something something marcnath

marcnath angst i guess? *allya pls stop trying to write angst we’ve already established that is not a thing you can do*

something something chlonath

im never gonna forgive @powerdragonmoon for the fact that i thought “beecock” while glancing over this to figure out wth was going on. cholaon works here too tho so that is what i shall call it //sideways glare at moon

take your otp. now put them on a trampoline. but heaven forbid you ever finish the fic- (chlonath if it wasnt obvious)

nathanette doll au from forever ago with @lotus-duckies that was a real concept its a shame i have 0 commitment

i wanna call this lukanathanette but i honestly don’t remember where i was going with it so idk

hi uhm what is this and why is it so depressing allya fr quit self projecting on emo tomatoes oml

chlonath established relationship i guess??

museum brotp go skating?? is that what this is?

how much chlonath do i hAVE also chloe u tsundere

nathaniel is Yearning n tbh i dont blame him cause same (ft. marc)

i could swear this was gonna be luklonath (chlolukanath??) but i wouldnt be able to remember-

if anyone can figure out what’s going on with marc pls tell me bc i dont-

cholaon but theres no context

Oh god im finally done good lord that’s all of em i hope i never have to look at a mlb doc again in my life anyway pls be grateful n enjoy the crumbs n stuff thanks i sacrificed my sanity for this-

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can-youimagine · 5 years

Text

The Selection Chapter 2

Summary: You are Manhattan royalty, making your marriage one people want to watch. What happens when the Avengers are your suitors?

Chapter TW: female reader, mention of sex, swearing

Chapter Word Count: 1406

A/N: I’m posting this a bit early because based on the poll the first date should be with Carol but this may change that. Basically, I’m torn between two options and I need help

Masterlist | Series Masterlist

Vote on what happens next!

You nervously wring your hands as you wait for everyone to show up. Unlike first impressions, you had no idea who would come in when. You had absolutely no way to prepare for this.

Your best friend laughs at you. “They aren’t supposed to be here for half an hour. What are you stressing about?”

“How am I supposed to pick one of them?”

“You aren’t expected to pick anyone today. Or even this week. Hell, if you want to throw this all away and marry a random construction worker, that’d be fine too.”

“Gina. You know I can’t do that.”

“Not yet anyway. If all these people turn out to be assholes, then you can argue that it would look great for your family is you lowered yourself down to an unknown commoner, and then you could marry your true love.”

“You know, I’ve never even considered that I could find love. I was just hoping for like. Or even tolerate.”

She grabs you by your shoulders. “(Y/N), you deserve so much more than that. You know you do. Besides, I’m sure you can love one of these people. Best of the best, right?”

“I guess.”

“There’s got to be at least one person you could see yourself with.”

You nod, smiling as you think back to their arrival. “There are a few I’d like to know better.”

Gina smiles widely. “There you go! Come on! Tell me about them.”

You shrug. “There’s not much to tell. I mean, I just met them.”

A dramatic sigh leaves her lips. “As your best friend, you are contractually obligated to tell about any person you want to have any sort of relationship with, even if it’s just sexual.”

“Gina!” you scold. “Now, I’m definitely not telling you.”

She pouts. “Fine. Whatever. I don’t care.” With crossed arms, she turns away from you, her bottom lip jutting out.

Before you have time to respond, one of the women from last night hesitantly opens the door. “I’m so sorry I’m early. I was just so worried about being late that I’m early.” She laughs nervously. “I can leave if you want.”

Gina looks between the two of you as you take the woman’s hand. “Of course not. Actually, I prefer you to be early. I should apologize. Gina and I were so busy chatting that we didn’t finish setting up.”

“I’d be happy to help.”

You open your mouth to tell her that you would love her help, but Gina has always been a faster talker than you. “So, who’s your friend?”

You glare at her. “Wanda. Wanda Maximoff. Why don’t you go make sure that the food’s ready?”

“I already checked five minu-” Gina protests.

“Gina. Check. Please.”

Finally taking the hint, she winks about you before leaving.

“I’m sorry about her.”

Wanda shakes her head. “No, no, it’s fine. She just cares about you.”

“A bit too much,” you mutter. “How was your first night?”

“It was very nice. Everyone has been so nice, even the other people here for you. I was surprised.”

You smile. “I’m glad. I hope it stays that way.”

“I promise to tell you if it doesn’t.”

You giggle, making her blush slightly. “Please do.” A moment of silence passes before you say, “I’m sorry we didn’t really get to talk last night.”

At the same time, she opens her mouth, words tumbling out quickly and uncertainly. “Did you kiss everyone last night?”

You stare at her. To say you weren’t surprised at her question would be a lie. Though, you should have expected it. “No.” You swallow, suddenly nervous. “Just you.”

“Why?” her voice is barely a whisper as she returns to being timid.

How do you answer that? ‘Because you were so nervous I just wanted to comfort you.’ ‘Because you were so beautiful that I couldn’t stop myself.’ ‘Because I have no idea what will happen next and wanted that with you.’ or completely honestly?

“I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

Her eyes widen. “I didn’t-”

“Hello again, Ms. (L/N),” a confident voice greets.

You smile up at the woman. “Hello again, Captain Danvers. How was your night?”

She sits next to you. “Wonderful, thank you.”

You nod, your focus still on Wanda who has gone to busy herself with a floral arrangement. “You made quite the impression.”

“A good one, I hope,” she says.

“Wonderful, Captain.”

“Is there a reason you won’t use my name?”

You shake your head, with a smirk. “I didn’t know I could, Captain.”

“You certainly can, Ms. (L/N).” Her expression mimics yours.

“Then, I am just (Y/N), Carol.”

Her smile softens once she hears her name. “Gorgeous.”

“Isn’t she?” a new voice calls from behind you.

You turn back to him. “Hello, Loki. Did you have a good evening?”

“Of course. The room is much nicer than anything I’m used to.”

You raise your eyebrows. “I never would have known. You carry yourself like a prince.”

He laughs loudly. “I’m glad you think so.”

He sits down across from you as Thor comes into the room, which Loki takes as his cue to leave.

“I hope my brother didn’t trouble you too much.”

“Brother? I had no idea you two were related.”

“I hope that that doesn’t impact your decision.”

You shake your head. “Of course not.”

The two of you talk for a while about your families and how growing up in such an important family changed you before Natasha walks in. You make some excuse to Thor before rushing over to see her.

“Ms. Romanoff,” you call, coming up to her. “I don’t think we’ve properly met.”

“You know my name. And I know yours. Is that not the definition of a meeting?”

You groan internally. “I hope that we could get to know each other a little better, given our situation.”

“Take me on a date, and maybe we can do something about that.” She turns and walks away from you.

There was something about her that was so infatuating and completely infuriating about her that made you want to send her home and keep her as close as possible at the same time.

Luckily, a few men walk in to demand your attention. Two of them are engrossed in conversation while the other two seem to want nothing more than to outdo each other.

As Peter and Scott try to win your attention without giving up whatever they are arguing about. Wanting a much less stressful interaction, you go over to the other pair.

“Steve, Bucky,” you greet, giving each of them a quick hug. “How was your first night?”

They both respond that it was fine. The three of you stare at each other for a moment before Steve asks, “Are we late? I thought it said noon, but I could be wrong.”

You shake your head with a small smile. “No, no. You were right. Everyone just seemed to be here incredibly early.” With a small laugh, you change the subject. “Did you two know each other before this? You get along much better than anyone else.”

“We’ve been friends forever,” Bucky answers. “It’s nice to go into this knowing someone.”

“I’d imagine so.”

You mill around the room, talking to everyone a little more and taking note of who got along and who didn’t, as you wait for the final suitor to arrive.

It isn’t until 12:30 that Tony Stark bursts into the room.

“Always one to make an impression,” you remark, walking over to him.

He wraps an arm around you, pulling you close. “Gotta make sure you remember me.”

You untangle yourself. “I’m sure I will.” You make your way to the center of the room, standing on a chair before addressing the room. “I want to thank you all again for coming. I understand that this is not the easiest thing for you, but I hope that this will be worth it in the end. Today is not only a chance for me to get to know you but also it is a chance for you to get to know each other.” You look between the different groups of people. “My goal is to make this as enjoyable as possible, for everyone involved, so if you will please do your part to help me, I will be incredibly grateful.”

You step off and make your way back into the groups.

Let me know what you thought!

Taglist (click here if you want to be added): @divinediego @pinkgeek96 @misschiefs1996 @jezzula @jyanasia @fansanctuary @the-hufflepuff-hunter @leasly @fangirlwithasweettooth @livlynn24 @sunobare @song-chaerin @marvelgirl7 @thatgirlwholikesgirls @foreverlostgirll @doctor-howard-potts @skyella01 @gabrielsgoldengrace

Strikethroughs could not be tagged.

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shemakesmeforget · 6 years

Text

25 fics to pick you up

Humor, crack not crack, romcom fics for @cuttlemefishwrites and y’all. I tried to make this list short, I SWEAR idk ENJOY!! Also you can check some other fic recs by moi here, here and here.

(i'm) the boy you'd die for by jenmishe

Canonverse, Rated T, 6K

v-nikiforov ✓

[Video: A short clip where Victor is laying dramatically on the couch with miserable expression. “Heartbreaker” by Marina and the Diamonds is playing.]

13,481 likes

v-nikiforov✓ Am I the another one? (((

vitYASS victor,,,, honey,,,, i lvoe you so much,,,, but WHY are you like this.

red-blue-gay but??? does that mean that somebody has broken victor’s heart???? I DON'T UNDERSTAND

christophe-gc ✓ You’re ridiculous.

starsaregay But who recorded it?? Makkachin???

vityathebabe user @starsaregay asking the real question.

--- The adventures of Yuuri "Heartbreaker" Katsuki, or: how Yuuri became known as a cold player full of himself who doesn't care about anyone. (Hint: it's an anxiety and obliviousness.)

• ADORE!!! oblivious heartbreaker Yuuri + social media fic. The best description is actually one of the tags: everyone is in love with Yuuri: the fic.

He Should Know by Lady_Ganesh

Past Yuuri/Chris, Canonverse, Rated T, 2K

A public service announcement Chris and Yuuri made for the Sochi Olympics comes to light.

• HI HI this speaks to me directly: Viktor is a dork and jealous and Yuuri is precious.... I just love this so much.

Master Plans by Qwertzu (@qwertzu824)

Canonverse ish, Rated T, 17K

Who wouldn't want to date Yuuri and/or Viktor? Nobody is immune to their charm - including random strangers, who unfortunately have no idea the two are happily married and totally smitten with each other...

• This series!!! outsider pov, identity reveal, and the last installment!!!!! I die. You'll laugh and you’ll feel sorry for these people at the same time.

The Way to Life and Love is a Curved Trajectory by crossroadswrite (@crossroadswrite)

Canonverse, Rated T, 5K

“Do you know Katsuki Yuuri?” Victor asks Chris, two minutes later, when he finally manages to convince himself to stop looking at the dip of Katsuki’s back and his powerful thighs in those tight Mizuno track pants, and the way his hands are poised in the air mid-skate, and his slicked back hair and brown eyes and flushed cheeks.

Christophe hums into the phone in a way that suggests he not only knows Katsuki Yuuri but he’s acquainted with him. Chris’ version of acquaintance is very physical and usually involves a healthy amount of groping. “Don’t you?”

“He’s Japan’s Ace,” Victor says, trying to rack his brain for more information. “His step sequence is good?”

Chris hums again. “You’re not that oblivious that you haven’t heard of Unfairly Beautiful Yuuri.”

“Who?”

(Or, the one where Victor falls - literally and then figuratively - for Yuuri. Also something about a Best Ass Poll that is way more official than it should be.)

• Alternate first meeting <3<3<3 you have it all: social media, pining and THAT ASS. I would say 12/10 would read again, but I have already, a bunch of times.

What you should know about dating a man with children by SassySalchow (diedraechin) (@diedraechin)

Canonverse, Rated G, 2K

Based off a tumblr drabble prompt and then grew too big...

"AU scenario where the skaters mistake the triplets for Yuuri's kids when they first meet him, possibly when he brings them to the skater-only area as a b-day treat, or something? (Kudos if you can work in jealous!Victor somehow, but the skaters having a fun reaction would be A+, tbh. Would be lovely if you could include Chris and/or Yurio :D )

• Ahhhhhh my quick fix for whenever I’m feeling down, this Viktor is such a dork and extra, I love him.

5 times Viktor encountered culture shock in Hasetsu + 1 time Yuuri did by forochel (@forochel)

Canonverse, Rated T, 3K

this fic ... basically does what it says on the tin.

• I adore not so smooth Viktor in an environment he can't control (or at least do some research lol), good stuff.

Five Times Chris's Dating Advice Was Ignored By Russian Skaters by liliths

Canonverse, Rated T, 3K

—and one time it wasn't.

Christophe Giacometti. Twenty-five. Cat lover, chocolate eater. Professional Swiss figure skater and confirmed Grand Prix finalist. Running an unofficial dating advice ring for Russian skaters who don't listen to him to begin with. How did his life come to this?

Chris-centric, in which he is done with literally everyone. Except the dog.

• Chris is heaven sent and deserves a medal for dealing with awkward russian skaters.

just like me they long to be by sparklespiff (@todaythesamesky)

Canonverse, Rated T, 3K

"Haven't you noticed that Yuuri gets everything he wants?"

"Everything that's in somebody else's power to give him," Mari says, before Victor can bring up last year's GPF. "He's not magic, just pretty."

"But it's like magic. My theory is that it's because he's sneaky beautiful, so you're not expecting it, and then, under all that stuff, whoa! Gorgeous. And it's too late to save yourself."

"Stuff?" Victor keeps smiling but makes his voice cold, the way he does when reporters overstep. His Yuuri doesn't have stuff. Everything about him is beautiful.

or:

Yuuri lives in a Beautiful Person Bubble. It's Victor's responsibility to make sure he never finds out.

• Again with oblivious heartbreaker Yuuri, this is ridiculously funny. Also, Mari and Phichit??? A++

The Boyfriend Paradox by japansace (@japansace)

Canonverse, Rated T, 3K

For some inexplicable reason, Yuuri speaks Russian.

Now, as everyone knows, there are only two viable reasons why anyone ever learns a foreign language:

1. For school. 2. To impress a foreign love interest.

And Victor can’t quite bring himself to believe that Yuuri would be at all studious enough to hunt down Russian classes in Detroit of all places.

(Or: Victor gets jealous of a boyfriend that doesn’t exist.)

• We all think Yuuri is dense and oblivious but like Viktor is just????? SO BLIND???? it’s adorable.

The Thirst Trap by CharmingMonsters

Canonverse, Rated M, 12K (WIP)

Victor Nikiforov reads Thirst Tweets for a Buzzfeed video; Yuuri is anonymously quoted and wants to die. Phichit makes sure everyone is properly hydrated.

• Awkward meet cute, Yuuri the fanboy, sad pre Yuuri Viktor, hilarious but the feels omg

Giacometti & Co. by Anna (arctic_grey) (@finleighsaid)

Past Viktor/Chris, Past Yuuri/Chris, Canonverse, Rated M, 7K

Against his shoulder and into the fabric of his t-shirt, Yuuri mumbled, “HaveyoueversleptwithChris?”

He choked on his breath. Oh. Uh. “Errrr…” His mind raced. “A little?”

aka the fic where both Viktor and Yuuri have slept with Chris.

• Amazing!! I owe this fic so much! like really, this is cute, fun and jealous Viktor is the cherry on top.

The Early, Awkward Years by Nomanono (@nomanono)

Viktor/Chris, Canonverse, Rated E, 6K

Victor Nikiforov wasn't always smooth and suave. His singular focus on skating created a pronounced inability to people, and Chris winds up bearing the brunt of his sexual incompetence.

• This is beyond funny, I had to stop reading 3 times to properly laugh. Inexperienced, not a playboy Viktor is the best best and Chris tries so hard, poor thing.

it's like you're photoshopped by Metis_Ink

Actors AU, Rated T, 10K

Not-So-Local Ex-Dancer Upsets Coworkers by Failing to Communicate with Celebrity Castmate, details at eleven.

//Yuuri just wants to retire already.

• The actual movie is amazing? the author literally wrote an entire musical for this fic, mad respect. And at some point I cried, legit tears, because I was laughing so hard.

Pinning and Pining by Multiple_Universes (@witharthurkirkland)

Porn actors AU, Rated E, 51K

Victor starts his career as a porn star, working for a studio that has a somewhat… artistic approach to the whole genre. But that’s not the problem. The problem is: he can’t find a way to ask his hot co-star to be his boyfriend.

An AU where Victor and Yuuri are both porn stars who, despite all the hot sex filmed for a ton of movies, still end up in a situation where Yuuri is oblivious and Victor is pining away.

• The porn movies are so cheesy and bad but like artistic so you just laugh and laugh. Viktor is such a softie and there’s so much unresolved romantic tension, a big fave.

though the stars walk backward by alykapedia (@alykapediaaa)

Space AU, Rated T, 8K

“Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward.” - E.E. Cummings

Yuuri's only ever wanted to send a message out into the great vastness of space, maybe witness First Contact during his lifetime. He gets his wish. And then some.

• Alien viktor!!! an intergalactic booty call!!! fantastic!

Much Ado About Something by eternalsunshine13, Skowronek (@eternalsunshine13, @kaja-skowronek)

Space AU, Rated T, 33K

By day, Victor Nikiforov is the head of European operations for LearX, a company on the forefront of private space travel. By night, he is makka-baby on Tumblr, a prominent figure in the small but passionate poodle fandom.

By day, Yuuri Katsuki runs F.O.O.L., a subsidiary of Katsuki Enterprises, whose stated goal is to bring LearX down one lawsuit after another. By night, he’s oodlesofpoodles, an active member of the poodle fandom and possibly makka-baby’s biggest fan.

By day, they duke it out in court. By night, they become friends—and maybe something more—as they fall for each other one Tumblr message at a time.

Or: a romantic comedy starring two idiots in love, the Katsuki family, the mothers Nikiforov, the husbands Chulanont-Giacometti, two doggos, six hamsters, one Yurio, and many, many schemes to get our favorite lovebirds together.

• Do they really hate each other?? are they falling in love?? is the tumblr app gonna crash all the damn time? I won't tell, you gotta read this.

The Vastness of Space by shysweetthing (@shysweetthing)

Space AU, Rated E, 16K

As chief communications officer on board the Interstellar Alliance Fleet’s Star Ship Victory, Yuuri doesn’t have to think about who he actually is on his home planet. He just has to listen to his captain, do his job, and…not fall in love with his best friend, the ship’s science officer, Victor Nikiforov.

Well. Two out of three’s not bad.

Then his mother calls with the worst possible news: She, the Empress of New Nihon, has arranged Yuuri’s marriage. There’s only one thing Yuuri can do: Fake a boyfriend, and fake one fast. Who better/worse to play that role than the friend he wishes was more? What can go wrong? It’s not like Yuuri can fall more in love...

• Mutual pining, fake dating and arranged marriage AND SPACE UGHHH all my weak spots. So sweet and good and the writing is on point, i cry.

The Unknown Unknown by opalish

Superpowers AU, Rated T, 7K

Yuuri never meant to become a supervillain. These things just happen to him.

• One of the funniest fics I’ve ever read, the author has the best comic timing and this fic is beyond me like I practically laughed the whole time.

Dr. Shiny and the Case of the Beautiful Man by ShatteredPrism (@etherealalchemist)

Doctors AU, not rated, 6K

There are about five things that Victor, in this very moment, is absolutely sure of.

1. The spawns of satan are here 2. they are not accompanied by their angel of a mother 3. they are with the most beautiful man he's ever seen 4. his scrubs are wet from where he'd dropped water on himself 5. and Victor is very, very gay.

Emphasis on point five, with a side of cupid's arrow and "ba-dum ba-dum" on a plate.

Because he is Very Gay, and not only is he Very Gay but he is also Hopelessly Attracted to a man who is undoubtedly Very Straight and very Unavailable and is perhaps the Most Beautiful Man Victor has ever seen.

---

in which Victor is a doctor, Yuuri is a godfather, and Yuri just wants some peace and quiet and a larger stash of lollipops.

• So pure and fun and Viktor is so so so extra.

pass that dutch by kiaronna (@kiaronna)

High School/Mean Girls AU, Rated T, 5K

Maybe Viktor shouldn't have watched Mean Girls before he started his first day of high school in the United States, but he can't help it if he is suddenly inducted into his high school's very fashionable, Instagram-obsessed royalty. He can't help falling in love with the cute soccer player in his literature class, either. Even if he's supposed to be off limits.

• This captures the feel of the movie just right and Viktor is a mess, it’s just so cute.

esnake artist by sizhu (@sizhu)

Neighbors AU, Rated T, 1K

Yuuri meets the disarmingly attractive neighbor from upstairs, courtesy of Phichit forgetting to feed their scale baby.

Snakes like to go on adventures, too.

• Sassy Yuuri defending his reptile baby, a blessing.

all the types of dating by igneousbitch (@makkachinning)

Geology AU, Rated E, 8K

The only type of dating geologists are good at is radioactive carbon-dating. The rest goes completely over their heads.

(Viktor and Yuuri are geology professors leading a field course in Western Australia. Chaos ensues.)

Alfred shifts awkwardly. Looks at Viktor and Yuuri, and asks, “So, uh. Are you guys dating?”

Yuuri greatly misunderstands, and Viktor panics.

Of course we are, Yuuri says. Rather critically, he thinks to himself: why else would he be here, in the scorching, godforsaken heat, surrounded by a hundred kilos of rock, if not for the purpose of radiometric dating?

• I have no idea about geology and I still enjoyed this AU a lot, they’re pining so hard and ugh friends to lovers, my kryptonite.

Unconventional by so_shhy

Fandom AU, Rated M, 4K

After freezing up in front of his idol at a comic con panel, Yuuri decides that he needs an awful lot of alcohol to get over the embarrassment. It is a decision he will regret.

The fandom AU I can’t believe I wrote, featuring movie star!Victor Nikiforov and fanfic author!Yuuri Katsuki.

• So much second hand embarrassment but in a fun way, just brilliant.

If you can't take the heat... by mtothedestiel (@summersteve)

Reality show/Chef AU, not rated, 81K (WIP)

Stay tuned, coming up next it's Top Chef: International! Join thirteen chefs from around the globe as they battle it out for glory and prizes in the one and only New York City (and share all their innermost thoughts along the way!) Who will emerge victorious, and who will burn out?? Heartwarming triumphs, devastating eliminations, and even ~forbidden romance~ are all coming your way on this showstopping season of Top Chef!

• The script format threw me off for some time until I decided to read it and omg?? what a fool I’ve been for so long!!! this is incredible and well researched and makes me hungry all the damn time.

Coming Home Again by carafin (@carafinn)

Roommates AU, Rated T, 10K

Yuuri, given to periodic bouts of paranoia, would often wonder if Viktor is, in fact, a Russian drug lord on the loose, seeking refuge in a nondescript town in America. This would explain a manner of things: his evasiveness whenever probed about his job; the way he’d unpredictably throw out incisive, thoughtful commentary about the morning news over breakfast; his expensive tastes in shirts, watches, and wallets alike; why he’d want to stay here with Yuuri, of all places, when the contents his wardrobe alone could probably afford him a year-long stay at any condominium of his choice in the trendiest part of town.

And then he goes on to discover that Viktor actually has a premium account on club penguin, and that his five penguins are named Peanut Wigglebutt, Luke skyhopper, Zing Zing, Otto Von Longdong, and Mooshoo Vegetable, and beats the idea to death in his head.

• High quality hyper realistic amazing Yuuri the medical student being a mess, Viktor being a mystery but still a dork. Cute romance!!

#yuri on ice #fic rec #yoi fic rec #it's incredibly difficult to not rec z her own stuff #chel fic recs

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five-hour-anxiety · 6 years

Text

CREEPY HAUNTED HOUSE TOUR: DON'T FOLLOW US IN 👻💀👽😦😈 | The Theory of Real-Activity | LOGAN FOUND A BODY YOU GUYS

@zerogettie @spacevirgil @tree4life25 @thebiggestnaturaldisaster@pailettehazel @jordandobbertin @thecityofthefireflies @the-fabulous-kimball @azuranightsong @virmillion @erlenmeyertrash @irish-newzealand-idian-dutch @the-sanders-sides @punch-you-with-friendship @captaincantatrice @clovenpinetree @jughead-is-canonically-aroace @aplaceinthevoid @zennyo

Word Count: 4500

Warnings: panic attacks, arguments, haunted houses, talk of demons

Pairing: platonic analogical

Summary: Logan and Virgil run a vlog together, and have decided to film in a haunted house.

“Virgil, for the last time, ghosts aren’t real.”

“Yes, I know that! You know that! Roman and Patton don’t, though, so we need to go ‘ghost hunting’ to prove it once and for all!”

“I understand where you are coming from, but do we really need to do this? There must be a better approach to the issue – one that will not cost as much and save us the tour of a condemned building.”

“Oh, that’s hilarious – you think I want to step foot in there? My anxiety is spiked at the thought of what could go wrong on the way out there, much less once we actually go in.” Virgil sighed and ran his hands down his face. His grape colored bangs fell back into place, and he blew on them in an annoyed manner. “Unfortunately, Roman has access to our Twitter and already made a poll.”

“You mean to tell me-”

“Yep. The people want a ghost busting episode.”

“Why on Earth did I give him the password for the account? What was I thinking?” Logan brought his tie up to his mouth, and Virgil strained to hear the muffled curses over the mouthful of cotton.

“Roman basically just challenged you to a giant game of chicken – a public one, and are you really gonna let him win that easy?”

“Grammar, Virgil, but you have a point. I cannot let that day-dreaming ditz best me. Clear your weekend schedule, we are going on a… what did you call it? Spirit pursuit?”

“Okay, first – I have no weekend plans as that would require having more than three friends, and two – it’s a ghost hunt so unless you want me to meme the shit out of you again, never call this a spirit pursuit again.”

“Oh, please, our audience does not need another joke – it’s bad enough you got everyone and their cousin to call the video blog ‘The Theory of Real-Activity” instead of its official name.”

“Look, that’s better than ‘VirgeofDiscovery’, and it’s a vlog Logan stop trying to sound smart for once in your life.”

***

“I think that I saw this on Buzzfeed Unsolved, once. Just put the flashlight down and ask… something… to turn it on.”

“You know this won’t work, right?” The camera’s mic picks up Logan, who was exploring another room. “And it’s Buzzfeed, why were you watching that garbage?”

“Because I love Shane Madej, the only perfect human.” The camera swings upward so that we see Virgil’s face, and he points at the lens. “You can all quote me on that – make sure he knows that Virge from The Theory of Real-Activity loves his work.”

“Oh my God, Virgil, are you using our video blog in a sad attempt to get your internet crush to notice you?”

“I-No! It’s a squish! And stop calling it a video blog!”

“If I were as childish as Patton, I would begin to sing one of those schoolyard chants about you and Mr. Madej sitting in a tree.”

“Well, gee, thanks for-”

“I am going to rap it instead.”

“LOGAN, I SWEAR TO GOD.”

“Virgil and Shane, sitting in-” The camera stops recording.

***

“Alright, do we have everything we need? My bag has a portable charger, extra batteries, and some water bottles as well as the camera I plan to use.”

“I have the salt.”

“Virgil, didn’t we agree that ghosts aren’t real?”

“Yes, but you can never be too safe. Besides – Patton wouldn’t let me leave without it, so now we have a pound of salt.” Virgil shook it around and shimmied. Logan groaned, and reached for the other’s bag, looking to see if anything else was in there.

“Oh, I see you have a first aid kit – that’s a good addition. You also have the snacks, flashlights, and a camera but I don’t see your stress ball? Are you sure you wish to go without?”

“No worries, man, I got it in the car.”

“Why is it in your car?”

“Roman had to drive me to my therapy session, and the chariot-”

“You mean that disgusting minivan?”

“Yeah, the chariot. Anyway, I have it in there because Roman was driving.”

Logan frowned at the thought, knowing that the man often bragged about having a lead foot while driving. Virgil just shrugged and hoisted his bag over his shoulder, shaking the salt container as he went out the door.

“Hey, we both made it to the office in one piece, it’s all good. Moving on, we should probably do the intro before we leave the house. Get at least one shot with decent lighting.”

“Ah, yes, that is a good idea – do you wish to hold the camera or should I?” Logan locked the door behind him, making sure the spare key hadn’t been moved in case he misplaced his set.

“I’ll film, whenever you try to do anything in selfie mode you trim off half our heads.” Virgil threw his bag in the trunk and moved over to the passenger side door.

“Why is it whenever we go anywhere in i car you refuse to drive, Virgil?”

“If you didn’t leave your car at the university this weekend, we would’ve taken yours. And driving makes me anxious.”

“Then why do you own a car?” It was a question Logan asked frequently, and never got a satisfying answer to.

“I have a car because I’m too lazy to skateboard everywhere.”

Logan rolled his eyes, and slipped into the car, taking the keys from the lanky man. He tied his hair back into a ponytail and motioned to Virgil to start filming.

“Sup everyone, we still need an official video intro so keep sending in ideas. And I’m sure that you read the title, so y’all know we’re going on a ghost hunt today.”

“Please, Virgil, don’t make it a clickbait title. Please don’t hurt me like that.”

“I do what I want, nerd.” Logan groaned and started the engine as Virgil continued to talk, only interrupting to correct the brand name and to offer his stance when Virgil asked if he believed in ghosts. Despite his easy tone, though, Virgil seemed tense and his shoulders were drawn up close.

The drive was by no means a long one, but by the time they finally reached the old house, Virgil had somehow managed to go through his entire playlist, having skipped each song after one or two measures. Logan found it annoying but said nothing, as he could see Virgil gripping his stress ball out of the corner of his eye.

This wouldn’t end well.

***

“Logan, Logan it turned the flashlight on please, please tell me there’s a logical explanation for that!”

“I don’t know! Maybe it’s a faulty battery, or… or the switch isn’t fully on so it’s flipping between its off and on mode!”

“OH MY GOD IT’S MOVING!”

There’s a high-pitched scream, and the sound of footsteps retreating. The recording cuts to Virgil’s camera and shows Logan sprinting away as fast as he can.

“YOU COWARD, DON’T LEAVE ME HERE! LOGAN!”

***

“So, this is the place – leave it to Roman to pick a fucking mansion.”

“Yes, well, I would expect no less from him. The Victorian style is quite breathtaking, despite it’s less than perfect condition.” Logan was leaning against the car, cleaning his glasses. Virgil shifted from foot to foot and fiddled with the straps on his bag.

“Do we really have to go in? We could just tell Roman there was like, a cop here or something, and he of all people should know that trespassing on private property doesn’t end well.”

“I do not believe breaking and entering the theatre to steal a prince costume is quite the same, Virgil, and Roman would find that story compelling. No, we would have to mention that the officer was angered by our intent to enter a condemned area – we would at least have Patton on our side with that.”

“Please don’t remind me of how unsafe this is. Not while I’m holding the car keys.”

“You won’t drive anywhere.”

“At this point, self-preservation would let me do anything.” Virgil sighed and threw the keys at Logan. “Just hold on to these – don’t think you want me driving off without ya.”

Logan hummed in agreement, pocketing the keys as he walked towards the front door. By the time he reached the porch, he looked back to Virgil who still hadn’t moved. Logan gestured towards the door.

“Okay! Fine! But if something happens, this is all on you and your ego!”

“If I recall correctly, you were the one who wanted to come here.”

“Well, I changed my mind. C’mon, let’s just get this over with. Camera’s rolling.”

***

“Logan, this isn’t funny!” The camera picks up a breeze from Virgil’s jacket as he sprints in the direction he thinks Logan went, his cries ignored.

The camera shifts suddenly, and we come face to face with the man himself. Virgil had stopped running and is standing in the front room.

“I never thought I’d say this, but I wish I was back in Logan’s basement listening to him rant about Mothman again.” He sighs, putting his free hand behind his head. “I’d rather listen to him confess his undying love for the thing than be here, choking on dust.

“But! Instead, I let Roman win – which, by saying that, I feel nauseous – and now we’re here running around a death maze. There’s a ton of rusty nails and if we get cut on those we aren’t gonna get to a hospital in time. I think I saw a bat earlier? And where there’s bats, there’s disease-carrying mosquitoes. Not to mention those jacked up stairs.” The camera focuses on a flight of rotted stairs, the floorboards broken and, in some spots, missing altogether.

“Yeah, stairs aren’t supposed to be bouncy. I’m just-I’m just gonna call Patton and see if he knows what to do from here.”

***

“I think there’s more dust in here than in Aunt Patty’s attic, and that’s saying something.”

The house was older than anything the two had ever seen, and there was a fine film of filth covering every available surface. Logan couldn’t help but notice the numerous cobwebs and think of Patton – specifically, how much the man would hate being around so many.

“Hey, do you, uh…” Virgil moved his flashlight over to one of the webs and stuttered out a few more false starts. “Do you think any of the spiders who made those things are, like, poisonous?”

“If there are any venomous spiders, they will not bite you unless you give them a reason. They cannot eat you, so there is no purpose in wasting their venom on a large creature like you.” This seemed to calm the taller man down, and Logan moved over to the staircase.

“Hey, don’t go up those, nerd, I already checked them. They’re not safe – the wood’s so rotted it’s squishy and soft.” Logan nodded and made a mental note to locate a different way upstairs.

The two continued to look around for a while longer, not finding anything remotely interesting. After about half an hour of quiet observation, Virgil suggested they started filming, claiming that the sooner they wrapped this up, the sooner they could drive away and never come back.

“Salutations, class-”

“Logan, you’re boring.”

“I am talking like I normally do, Virgil, how else should I speak? Like Roman, perhaps?”

“God, no, please. Anything but that.”

“Well, in that case – greetings one and all! We’ve finally arrived at our grand destination and have been parading around the grounds for a few hours!”

“I will throw this salt at you.”

“Little grains of salt are no match for a prin- oof!”

“I told you I would.”

“You threw the entire container at me! Like a savage!”

“What, you can pretend to Roman and I can’t?”

***

“Okay, so calling Patton was a bust. He told me to use the salt like a weapon and I had to tell him I already chucked it at Logan’s face.” Virgil snickers, running a finger under his nose. “That was the best thing to happen today if I’m being honest. Pat didn’t really appreciate it, though.

“Roman was also a wasted call – apparently he’s at some audition and when he answered, well, he just started screaming about newspapers.” Virgil pauses, and we hear something shatter off-screen.

“H-Hello? Demons?” The camera slowly pans across the room, almost making a full circle as even more thumps can be heard. Before it can finish, Virgil screams and drops the camera.

The screen is filled with static.

***

It had been about two hours, and in that time Logan had somehow managed to: find a way upstairs, provoke something into turning that flashlight on, proceed to run upstairs, get lost, and find a new respect for supernatural beliefs.

“I cannot believe I’m saying this, but I believe in ghosts now.” His words echoed around the attic, unheard by anyone but him and perhaps the mouse he saw earlier. At least, he hoped that’s what it was. He couldn’t stand the thought of sharing space with a rat.

“I believe in ghosts, so can we stop playing this juvenile game? How on Earth do I get back downstairs?” He waited for an answer as the logical part of his brain scolded him for speaking to thin air.

He didn’t get one.

“This is ridiculous, I should know better.” He paused and listened again. “If I change my mind and say ghost are not real, will one of you tell me how to get back downstairs?” Logan removed his glasses and began to pace the room. The amount of dirt that had gathered on his frames was astounding – perhaps he had stumbled through a cobweb in his hasty exit.

“Well, what would Patton do in this situation? At present, he may make a joke about his poor eyesight and lack of- ow!” As he spoke, Logan ran into an old china cabinet – it didn’t fall, but he still held his breath as it swayed back and forth.

“Well, that was embarrassing,” Logan whispered, moving to the front to see if anything was inside. He found a few plates and teacups, though none were particularly impressive. If he were Roman or Patton he may have found the painted flowers beautiful, but he wasn’t, and he didn’t. The maroon one rimmed in gold paint did remind him of a set Roman owned, however, and made a mental note to come back for it if there was time.

But first, he had to find his way downstairs and reunite with Virgil.

***

“So, as you may have seen – though I can’t be sure because obviously, I do not know how this will be edited – I was forced to make a hasty, yet calm, retreat from the study.”

The screen cuts to a replay of Logan fleeing the room, and trombones play as he screams. Text pops up and it says “logan lies” in comic sans.

“After my exit, I managed to find my way upstairs and now I am unsure how to get down – much like a cat climbing a tree. But I did stumble across a cabinet full of teacups that I think a friend of mine would enjoy. I have also concluded that there are too many mothballs in this house and I will not cross meeting the Mothman off my bucket list today.”

Logan crosses the room as he paces, chewing on his lip in between sentences. “Despite my own disappointment, I find myself upset the most over being separated from Virgil. I do not believe he is well – I am ashamed to admit that I have only now realized he was suppressing a panic attack as we drove out here.

“To be quite honest, camera, there is a very good chance this footage won’t be posted online. It depends on how Virgil is doing and whether he is okay with releasing footage taken of him during an atta-”

Logan trips and falls into the china cabinet once more, a plate shattering upon impact. The camera swings around to show the floor and a trap door that was slightly ajar. A ladder falls from the floor, designed to be hidden when not in use.

“Well, here is my way down. This ladder does not look up to code,” He steps down on a rung, testing his weight, “but it should hold long enough for me to get down.” He begins his descent but stops suddenly. Logan moves over to the cabinet and pulls out a teacup, placing it carefully in his bag. His footsteps are heavy and echo as he travels down the ladder.

At the bottom, he screams out Virgil’s name.

***

“Virgil! Virgil, can you hear me?”

Logan shook him hard, but he got no response.

“Virgil, please, you need to get up. I need to know you are okay.” Logan had spotted him collapsed in the middle of the room and jumped down the ladder as soon as he could, forgoing the last four rungs and sliding over to where Virgil lay.

“Mm, not so loud Logan. My ears are ringing.”

“Well, I expected that. You must have hit your head when you collapsed – can you tell me if I sound muffled as if I were underwater?”

“No, everything’s just beyond loud.” Virgil winced as he sat up, Logan taking note of where he grabbed his head. “Logan, are you okay? You’re crying!”

A quick swipe at his eye revealed that a few tears had formed and escaped.

“Well, of course – I am not without a heart, Virgil. The sight of you sprawled out like that was… immensely alarming, to say the very least.” Logan’s breath shuddered, and a few minutes of silence passed between the two, interrupted by an occasional hum from Virgil.

“The ringing is gone.” The silence was broken, and with its absence came Logan’s ability to breath deeply.

“That is wonderful, Virgil.” Logan stood up and dusted his jeans off before offering a hand to the other man. “May I ask what circumstances led to you losing consciousness?”

“I don’t know.” Virgil kicks at the floor. “So, don’t ask.”

“Well, may I share some theories I have developed?”

“Knock yourself out.” Logan winced at the phrase, and Virgil mumbled an apology as he collected his equipment.

“Virgil, I knew you were edging toward a panic attack on the way here – so I would like to start by offering a sincere apology for not saying anything sooner.”

“Don’t. I didn’t tell you, so it’s my fault. I just didn’t want you to worry too much – or to turn around. I know Roman would have given you a hard time if we didn’t film an episode here, so I figured I would just deal.”

“As I have told you many times, there is no ‘dealing’ with these situations alone in our friendship. Regardless, I knew you were not okay and didn’t say anything.”

“God, Logan, can’t you let me blame myself for once? At least let me share the blame.”

“Fine, we shall share at your insistence. Moving on, I believe the building panic caused you to experience an irregular breathing pattern. I deduce that the lack of oxygen led to you losing-”

“No. You’re wrong.”

“I beg your pardon? You just told said you did not know what happened how can you say I am wrong?”

“Because it’s embarrassing, okay?! Damnit, Logan, it’s embarrassing how bad this attack was and how ridiculous my shit brain makes me react.” Virgil strode away, and out of the room, calling over his shoulder.

“Just help me film some stuff so people don’t know that the passing out act was real. I’ll lay down over there, and just… I dunno we’ll improvise.”

“Is it wise to publish this footage? Roman and his teasing be damned, it is more important that you are okay, Virgil! These cameras likely have footage of you panicking and us arguing! Are a few views really worth it?”

“Yes, because I wanted this episode! I put the poll on Twitter, not Roman, okay? So please, let’s film something stupid, make the whole thing look staged, and leave.”

“Virgil-”

“Please, Logan.”

“No.” Logan crossed his arms and stood up straight. He was taller than Virgil, and his glare was cold enough to give Virgil goosebumps.

“I’m sorry, ‘no’? Oh, so now you say no! Not when I asked to come here, not when I asked for demons to turn a flashlight, not when-”

“Virgil, stop this. You are behaving in an immature manner and this needs to stop. How was I supposed to know that you wanted me to tell you ‘no’? I am not a mind reader, so you cannot blame your poor communication skills on my inability to instantly know what you want.”

Virgil said nothing. He glared at Logan and sat down on the floor, eventually inviting him to do the same. They sat there for a while, as both needed time to calm down before speaking.

After what felt like an eternity later, Virgil finally spoke up.

“I’m gonna start, but you need to let me finish before you cut in, okay?” Logan nodded, and Virgil took a deep breath. “I wanted to film at a haunted house because I knew we would get way more views than we normally do.

“I thought, hey! More views means more add revenue – and yes, I know it’s not a lot – but with that extra money, we could start building up the funds to rent an apartment. I’m sick of living with my parents, Logan, and I know you are too.”

“I appreciate the sentiment, Virgil, but I would rather endure a few more years with them than have you hurting for the sake of loose change.”

“Yeah, well. What’s done is done, I guess.” Virgil sighed and leaned over on Logan. “I lied, you know. I do know why I passed out earlier.” He sighed and buried his nose into Logan’s shoulder.

“I will not deny that I want to know why, Virgil, but I do not want you to share if you are uncomfortable.”

“Heh, well, maybe you’ll learn something new – did you know that anxiety can make you see hallucinations? Specifically, when the fight or flight stuff kicks in?” Logan raises an eyebrow but remains silent. “When the, uh, the – instinct, for lack of better word – kicks in, your pupils dilate.

“And when that happens, the sudden light change can cause a person – like me – to see shadows and figures at the edge of my vision.”

“Fascinating – but I assume this is a rare situation and does not happen to you often?”

“No, it doesn’t. But it did when… did you break something upstairs? Because something shattered, there was a lot of thumping, and then they just- appeared. I think that made me panic even more, and then yes – the lack of oxygen probably did the rest.”

“Ah, yes, I fell into a cabinet of china, and I believe a plate was shattered. I apologize for my involvement.”

“Nah, no worries about that. It was just shoddy circumstances. And,” Virgil looked up, offering a weak grin to Logan, “As cheesy as it sounds, we are probably a bit closer than we were before this whole trip.”

“You are right, that is extremely cliché. I appreciate the sentiment, however, despite how infuriating your statement is. Shall we film the ending of this video, now?”

Virgil snorted, pushing himself up using Logan’s shoulder.

“Yeah, let’s this thing wrapped up.”

***

“Virgil! Virgil, please get up!” Logan is frantically shaking Virgil’s shoulder, his voice wobbly. The camera has been left on after being discarded in a hurry.

“Logan… Logan no, don’t- don’t go in the closet.”

“I spent ten years in the closet, I have no intention of going back in.” Logan sniffs as he speaks, and Virgil gasps awake, shooting upward.

“Huh? Wait, what happened? …Why would you go back in the closet?”

“You said not to go in there – what happened to you?”

“I don’t- I don’t remember. There was a- I think I saw something, Logan. A shadow, maybe?”

“You must have seen my shadow as I came down the ladder.”

“No, I don’t think so.” Virgil pauses and stares at a spot on the wall behind Logan. “Where is the ladder you came down?”

“To your left.” Logan gestures with his head as he hoists Virgil to his feet.

“That means it couldn’t have been your shadow. The light wouldn’t have hit you correctly to cast a shadow over there.” Virgil points to a closet off to the side of the ladder. “Besides, the shadow didn’t look… well not to be cliché, but it didn’t look human.”

“Preposterous.” Logan has moved over to the camera, and the screen goes black as he picks it up. A few moments later, it’s aimed at Virgil as he talks about what he saw in detail.

“…and it had, well they weren’t horns per say, but they were definitely not something that’s on your head, nerd. But, whatever,” Virgil rolls his eyes, “I can tell you don’t believe me. Let’s just get out of here.”

Logan hums in agreement, and the screen goes black.

***

“Goodbye, murder house, see you never!”

“Well, this footage is unusable.”

“Wait, why?”

“I am not ending the video with you flipping off an old house.” Logan sighed and turned the camera off. Virgil pouted and turned to finish packing the equipment into his car.

“Hey, I know what I’mma call this video. ‘Logan finds a body’!” Virgil spread his arms out in emphasis, narrowly missing Logan’s face in the process.

“That is absolutely morbid, Virgil, and uncharacteristically short.” Logan shut the trunk with a slam and fished the keys out of his bag as Virgil moved to the front seat.

“Yeah, no, it’ll have emojis in it, the vlog title of course, and-”

“By chance, will it be the proper title?” The car started with a roar, and the two were met with a blast of warm air. Virgil scrambled to open his window and Logan quickly shut off the air flow. “Because the channel is called ‘VergeofDiscovery’, not the childish pun Patton came up with.”

“The Theory of Real-Activity is an amazing name, and I will fight you on this. You’re just jealous that you didn’t come up with it.”

“Falsehood!”

“Keep telling yourself that, nerd. Pass me the aux cord.”

The drive home was lighter than the last one – Virgil never once changed the music and the two could be heard screaming along as they flew down the road. The stress ball remained in the cup holder, untouched until the next big adventure.

#sanders sides fic #virgil sanders #logan sanders #analogical #thomas sanders fic #ali writes #yall this has been in the works for m o n t h s #im just #so proud of this one #for once #the theory of real activity

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bloomsburgu · 3 years

Photo

How this alumna went from respected business leader and Army veteran to state treasurer

By Tom McGuire Marketing and Communications

To say Stacy Garrity ’86 is not your typical politician is an understatement. She went from political unknown to winning a state row office, a journey that has taken the Bradford County native around the world. Her election victory shocked even the most optimistic of supporters and has suddenly thrust her into the thick of the political world.

So how did the Athens resident and retired Army Reserve colonel make it to Harrisburg as Pennsylvania’s new state treasurer?

The oldest of four daughters of Howard Garrity and Beverly Arbie, “we were raised to be about God, country, and family,” says Garrity. “We went to church every Wednesday and Sunday. In the summer, we attended vacation Bible school, and every morning at school, we recited the Pledge of Allegiance. And on top of everything, no matter what, I had to watch out for my sisters.”

“My parents were very encouraging,” says Garrity. “They always made it a big thing to say that whatever you put your mind to do, you can do it. I grew up just believing it in a naive sort of way.”

Following graduation from Sayre High School, Garrity knew she was going to college. It was something her parents drilled into her and her sisters. However, the first-generation student admits she didn’t put much thought into what school she would attend. “My reason for [first] choosing Lock Haven was simple; my friends were going there.”

“I wasn’t well-traveled and lived a pretty sheltered life, soI figured I could carpool and come back home on the weekends,” Garrity says. “After a year of adjusting to college life, I realized I should look for a school with more of a focus on business, which is what I was interested in. When I looked around, I saw that Bloomsburg had a very good program and so I transferred.”

As a student, Garrity was intrigued by business and economics and how markets function. It was a field dominated by males in the 1980s, which did not worry her in the least. At BU, Garrity studied finance and accounting and was influenced by then chair of the accounting and business law department, the late Bernard Dill.

“Professor Dill was very engaging with his students,” Garrity recalls. “He was funny, he was motivating, and he made me take a strong interest in the major.”

Garrity, a runner in high school, also found time to be a varsity cheerleader, but more importantly, she joined the Army ROTC on the encouragement of her parents, both 20-year Navy Reserve veterans.

“Basic training was an eye-opening experience. I wasn’t mentally prepared for people being in my face and yelling. We weren’t allowed to call home for a few weeks, and when we did, of course, my mom immediately said forget it and to come home. My dad said never quit. So, I stayed so I wouldn’t disappoint my father.”

“My dad supported us and told us ‘whatever your mind believes you can achieve, you can achieve’ and that ‘winners never quit, and quitters never win.’ It stuck with me.”

After graduating from BU, Garrity joined Global Tungsten and Powders Corporation , or GTP, in Towanda and advanced through several positions, becoming vice president of two of GTP’s three business units. She was VP for government affairs and industry liaison before stepping down to assume her elected position.

At the same time, Garrity was a member of the Army Reserve, but certainly had no plans for what would become a 30-year military career.

“My original idea was to do my six years and then get out. Of course, after 9/11, I went to Kuwait. That was my first deployment. Upon returning home, I just could not bring myself to get out. I felt I needed to stay and serve our country.”

GTP management shared Garrity’s commitment to the Reserve. “At some companies, when you return from a deployment, management will try to reorganize you out. But every time I got back from a deployment, GTP would promote me. They are a great company that has been around for more than 100 years. We have many third-generation employees. And, of course, they were always very proud of me and my work.”

“The entire GTP Group organization has deep respect for Stacy,” says Hermann Walser, president and CEO. “She is always looking beyond her direct responsibilities. The well-being of all stakeholders, customers, employees, community, and country, is her priority. Her ability to motivate and convince people, to communicate, and to network are unique. We will desperately miss her in this function, as well as a member of our GTP family.”

During her last overseas deployment in 2008-09, Garrity earned the nickname “Angel of the Desert” while serving as the acting battalion commander of the military police at Camp Bucca in southern Iraq.“Our mission was to provide care and custody with dignity and respect to the 7,000 detainees.”

“To make sure all the rules and regulations were being followed, I would walk the camp after midnight because I always said nothing good happens after midnight. I would walk with the senior staff and just check on soldiers. Then we would have meetings and make sure everything was going OK.”

“We also had a deal that as long as the detainees weren’t doing anything to hurt our soldiers, then we would allow family visitation or even some soccer matches. The detainees would also get videos once a week. But, among our staff, we had zero tolerance for abuse. We were the first internment facility to have zero abuse allegations. I’m very proud of that fact.”

Garrity’s outstanding work in Iraq did not go unnoticed. She was twice awarded the Bronze Star and received the Legion of Merit before retiring from the Army Reserve with the rank of colonel. Back in Bradford County, she and her husband Dan Gizzi, married since 2005, kept busy with water skiing, snowmobiling and running. But the desire to serve others was always an itch.

“As I was thinking about what to do, volunteer work and politics were two of my choices. I’ve always liked politics, so I called our state representative Tina Pickett, who I knew from my job in government affairs since my real passion is the industrial base and making sure that we keep jobs in the United States.”

Pickett recommended jumping into the race for Tom Marino’s U.S. Congressional seat after his resignation. “The next day she had me lined up with a political consultant, and they pushed me right into the deep end.” Despite 31 candidates in the race, Stacy finished a respectable sixth. That showing led the state GOP leadership to reach out to her in late 2019 to gauge her interest in running for statewide office.

“I started praying about it, and I thought, OK, Lord, if you want me to do this, then open the doors. And, he did, and then I still was pretty hesitant. When the GOP leadership said they couldn’t find anyone to run for treasurer, I decided, if not me, then who’s going to do it.”

Shortly after making the decision to run and receiving the state Republican Party’s endorsement to challenge incumbent Democrat Joe Torsella, the COVID-19 pandemic hit.

“Trying to campaign and raise money during a pandemic was hard. I had to go total grassroots with the odds stacked against me. A Republican had not defeated an incumbent Democrat since 1994. Many people told me ‘Stacy, you’re running a great campaign, but there’s no way you can beat this guy.’”

As Election Day grew closer and the polls showed a tight race, Torsella mounted an advertising blitz with a campaign chest of more than $2 million. But on election night, as results showed her in the lead, she was cautiously optimistic. A week later her opponent called to concede. She had pulled off a win no one had expected. “Joe was extremely gracious and very helpful in the transition. I’m sure it was tough for him because he was told there’s no way you’re going to lose to somebody from Bradford County who had never run before.”

At her swearing-in ceremony in January, Garrity did something most unusual. She offered Torsella an opportunity to deliver some remarks. “Joe rose above politics and helped ensure a smooth transition. As we say in the military, thanks for your service.”

In her inaugural address, Garrity touched upon several key points that have been a part of her life. “Service to others, be it in elected office or wearing the uniform of our country, is the highest calling.”

“Getting the job done in good faith and with honest effort is the watchword by which I promise to serve. I say we look ahead to a place of optimism and cooperation.”

Garrity says her goal for the office is to make transparency a top priority and put taxpayers first. “Putting those checks and balances in place is what I want to focus on so that we can make sure that we’re being a good steward of our taxpayers’ money. Taking transparency to the next level is something that I want to do, and then probably further enhancing the savings programs.”

Throughout her journey from rural Pennsylvania to the battlefields of Iraq and then through the rigors of a political campaign, Garrity has never forgotten her roots. Her advice to young girls and women is to remain true to your values.

“I’ve really tried to live my life with integrity, selfless service, honor, loyalty, and duty. If somebody like me from Bradford County, who grew up on the left side of middle-class, can put myself through college, join the military, then work in manufacturing and become the first female vice president in my company, deploy three times overseas, and retire a colonel, then anyone can do it.”

As for the next part of the Stacy Garrity journey, only one person knows for sure.

“People have already called me about running for other offices, and I’ve told them I campaigned on staying in the job for four years and want to be the best treasurer I can for the people of Pennsylvania. And then we’ll see what God has in store for me.”

Spoken like a true non-politician.

#BloomOnward #HuskyNation #WomensHistoryMonth #StateTreasurer #IraqWar #ArmyReserves #Army #MilitaryFriendly #BUClass1986 #FirstGeneration #FirstGen #business #finance #accounting

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cckaisoo · 7 years

Text

Mini Kadi Shippers/Supporters’ Survey Result

I would like to thank everyone for taking their time to respond to this survey. Your contribution is much appreciated. Anyway, this might sound a bit formal. But as long as I deliver the message, aite?

This is a mini kd shippers/supporters survey. I asked a question and collected responses which were consisted of a statement(s). I managed to collect a total of 99 responses in a span of 10 days.

Question: i have an honest question. i’m really curious. who re u guys that ship/support kd? ks stans, ji stans, ex0-l, non-ex0-l, not even into kpop?

Next, I’ve analyzed the data using a simple coding method (use in a qualitative study). I’ve extracted a few important points from the data and divided it into two main categories - Group Stan & Bias. The subcategories were determined based on the amount of the same response

Group Stan - (1) EX0.L, (2) Non-EX0.L and (3) Not Stated Bias - (1) Jong.in, (2) Kyung.soo, (3) Jong.in & Kyung.soo and (4) Others

The unit used in the result is counted as per response [x/99].

1st Category: Group Stan

I think the highlight of this result is the Non EX0.L. Altho it's not many of them but I find it interesting that Non EX0.L take an interest in kd. These were some responses from the Non EX0.L.

º im not ex0.l anymore and if it weren't for kd i wouldn't be here (in the fandom) º just kai.soo-l. im not into kpop or ex.o anymore... i just exist here now just for kai.soo. tho i still go to ex.o concerts but just to see kai.soo. º I'm not a EX.O fan but I believe Kai.soo are dating º not really an ex0.l i literally only went to ex0.rdium to see them both c: º ...I'm a bt.s stan irl º Im an ar.my but i've been shipping kai.soo almost since the beginning :) they are The only ship that I actually believe is real

The ‘Not Stated’ subcategory is self-explanatory. I believe it doesn’t affect the result that much.

2nd Category: Bias

Ks bias and ji & ks bias share the 1st spot on the chart with a total of 33 responses, respectively. I find it quite shocking. I expected that there would be more of ks bias since I’ve only heard many kd shippers are ks bias.

It is expected from my pov that there aren’t many kd shippers that biased ji, which I also find it interesting. Perhaps this has anything to do with his popularity among ifandom? Or they are more of them that ship other otp like se.kai etc? Mybe his past dating scandal affected stans in some way? //shrug.

The least frequent answers fell under ‘Others’; consisted of those who doesn't bias ji and ks, bias all ex0 and not stated specifically.

Conclusion

As per stated in the title, the result represent kai.soo shippers and supporters. This is not a proper survey since the data are varied and I’ve only managed to extract few points when they could have been more. So take this survey as it is~ Anyway, it was a fun mini survey and I also had fun analyzing the data! Click ‘Keep reading’ to check out all of the responses.

That’s all for now. Thank you and have a nice day :)

These are the raw data. So it is unorganized. Thank you for the participation!

Ks stan ji stan ex0l

ex0l

I love Jong.in and KaiSo0. And EX0. ❤ my one and only bias, ship and group.

Ks stan, ji stan and ex0 l

ji stan ks stan ex0l

ks stan, semi ji stan

Ks-ji stan and ex0 l

ex0-l, ksoo stan (but i love them all wtd)

Ex0 l def, soo stan altho jong.in is close 2nd

Kyungso0 stan and EX0-L definitely and semi Jong.in stan <3

EX0-L, Ksoo biased

ksoo stan

I am an ex0-l but not a kyungso0 stan nor a jong.in one (my biases are baek and jongdae)

but my sister, who supports kaiso0 too with all her heart, is a jong.in stan !

i noticed ji first because of dance, then i realised ji comes with ks as a package, so i started noticing kd and then i believed kd is real so im a supporter instead of a shipper. im not an ex0L but i do appreciate all members of ex0 because i genuinely think they each have something special. but i dont really follow the activities much. some of those i chat with thinks im in transition from a non ex0L to an ex0L. i dont ship any other pairings but i like se.kai which i think are bros. not jagi bros. but maknae dance bros. i dont know i can fit into ur data though but here is all my information.

I saw your post haha... I'm an ex0l and a Kyungso0 stan that is also becoming a Jong.in stan... So a kaiso0 stan. I can't choose only one of them. They come together haha.

EX0-L, JI stan, KS, stan, stan the group as a whole.

I dont consider myself an ex0*l, thou i buy their albuns, if i like a mv a lot, i´ll watch over /over again. Im just not into fandom culture, i find it toxic, with all the fanwars inside and out. I love kd, ji and ks the same and more than ex0 as a whole, I only follow blogs that are kd, ji and ks centric, but idc much about their acting jobs. So im not sure in what place im, but in a way it makes sense to me. lol!

I'm ks stan, I'm into kd because ks (and their love;;), I'm into e x o because kd.

im not ex0l anymore and if it weren't for kd i wouldn't be here (in the fandom)

i'm a ji and ks stan combined. i can't have one without the other. i make sure to check out whats going on with the both of them. but sometimes i do feel like i go more crazy over ji. i'm a capricorn and i have that same introvert personality, which is one of the reason why i love them both so much. i'm a ji stan ks stan and a kaiso0 stan.

im a ksoo stan and i ship kd so very much !! they make me so happy and are my motivation in life tbh ＿ﾉ乙(､ﾝ､)_ <3

kaiso0 biased, ex0-l

I'm a kyungso0 and jong.in stan, but kyungso0 is my ultimate bias. EX0-L.

Am a proud ks stan \(⊙♡⊙)/

i'm an ex0-l and a kyungso0 stan~

KD support

Kyung Soo stan

She's jong.in fan n even before i talked to her about kadi, she already knew theres something different about them (she did some digging on her own). I swear i didnt plant any idea on her haha

Ex0-L, 100% Kaiso0 shipper, Jong.in Stan, Kyungso0 Stan, all of EX0 Stan especially C.hen and Xiu.min because they seem to get neglected sometimes

D.o stan kai bais wrecker ex0l

I starded as a Jong.in stan then thanks to that I discovered kaiso0 and it made me take interest in ex0.Now I'm a kaiso0 supporter,ksoo stan,Jong.in ultimated biased and ex0-l :D

Ex0-l, Ji is my ub but Ks is in my top 3 members.

Ex0-l, ksoo stan but ji is very close.

just kai.soo-l. im not into kpop or ex0 anymore... i just exist here now just for kai.soo. tho i still go to ex0 concerts but just to see kaiso0. i still listen to ex0 songs but just a few chosen ones that i like.

Ex0l ks stan ji stan

ex0-l, ksoo stan !! ♡

Ex0l, jong.in and kyungso0 stan(i cant choose, both are my ultimate biases)😊

i saw jong.in in nylon kor~~ he made me stan ex0 then i discovered kadi... so im a jong.in stan kadi "shipper" (i think they r real, but then im also scared of projecting something that may not b there. i think i saw somewhere that its usually ji fans that r the worst "kadi shippers" or w/e lol anywaysss let me know what ur results r from the poll!!)

Am a proud ks stan \(⊙♡⊙)/

Not even into kpop but because of kaiso0, started listening to ex0 songs

ex0l & ksoo stan

Multi-fandom here! I stan both but mostly kyungso0 and lowkey yi.xing because he keeps making me swerve

For survey, I'm not a EX0 fan but I believe Kaiso0 are dating. If I have to choose, my favorite member is Baek.hyun and I like a couple of songs like Growl and Call Me Baby. I started thinking they're dating after I saw them at a concert a friend brought me to accompany her. They did fanservice with the rest but the way they acted towards each other was so different from what I know of fanservice. When I got home I searched them up. And Ka!'s dating scandal last year made me believe in them more.

Kyungso0 stan and i love jong.in and kaiso0 too

Kyungso0 stan. And became Jong.in stan because when you love ksoo you should love jong.in too

cannot decide because both of them came as a complimentary set agjsgsjgsjgs not really an ex0-l i literally only went to ex0rdium to see them both c:

ex0l. ksoo stan, ji stan, kai.soo shipper, um what else

ks and ji stand but i dont really follow ex0

An ex0-l OT9 stan♡

#kpop Stan since 2010#ks Stan#since 2012 *starts crying*

EX0-L, Ksoo biased

hi! im a ksoo stan that ships kd

I stan both. I only stan ex0. Forever an ex0l. Kaiso0 is real. 🐻💜🐧

was a jong.in stan now a kadi stan, i started to be a real/invested ex0l only after supporting their relationship

I'm a ksoo stans and kai comes in second and together they are THE power couple of my life

Kd supporter , Xiu.min biased/Ex0-l

jognog is my bias first. ksoo comes in later cause kaiso0.

Non-ex0-l

Mainly a ji stan but I love ks just as much. I adore kaiso0. I'm an Ex0-L but I don't listen to any other kpop.

ex0-l and kaiso0 shipper

I'm a jong.in Stan but ksoo cuteness never make me calm. ex0-l

ks stan, ji stan, ex0-l!!

EX0-L JONG.IN STAN

Started with overdose as a jong.in stan, I feel ashamed but I didn't even notice kyungso0 until much later. Then now I am a proud jongsoo supporter T_T

A proud ex0l and ji stan c:

Kyungso0 biased EX0-L. Love all members, including Jong.in. Kaiso0 is the only EX0 "ship" I take seriously.

for the kai.soo thing !! i wouldnt call myself ex0 l but i like ex0, jong.in stan (i love kyung.soo too. i only care about kai.soo basically anyway)

I am an ex0 & ji stan since their debut, they are only idol pairing I believe 100%, from watching ji closely over the years!

ks is my bias in ex0 but I'm a bt$ stan irl... ex0 is in my top 5 fav groups but I'm mostly with them for ks

before watching iotl i wasn't into kpop,ex0 is the first and only kr band i stan,cuz of actor do ks,ks is my bias,ji is my 2nd bias sometimes i wonder if ji is my bias now,i don't like all ex0 members but i consider my self an ex0-l,i listen to all their songs but i only watch the shows if ks or ji is in them, i'm only interested in ks and ji solo works not the others i've never watch other members movies,dramas,shows or v apps,their happiness is all that matters to me even though i'm muslim 1 i'm muslim and being gay is wrong according to my religious beliefs but looking at them all i see is love,no one around me knows about my love for them,they are my guilty pleasure 2

I'm a kyung.soo stan!

I am definitely a kai.soo supporter T_T Always! 100% jong.in stan and 100% kyung.soo stan! I don't know what is the criteria of being an ex0L! I do love their music and watch the variety shows they are in but I never bought an album or went to their concert!!

Kyungso0 is my bias

I'm ks stan, ex0-l, and start liking ji bcs if kd ;)

Se.hun fans, broken hearted kriso0 shipper

I'm Min.seok biased but I love couples, I started loving kd a couple months after I started liking ex0 and xiu.han. Kd is so cute and so real! But I'm lowkey a ji and ks stan...

so i stan both ji and ks i find them really talented and i like ex0 in general . I don't really stan other groups but i appreciate kpop a lot.

To your question, I ship kd and i'm ex0-l and Jong.in stan, but i got into EX0 bc of Kyungso0, i felt in love with him the first time i saw him <3 so basically a ksoo stan too(? im not sure :_

ex0-l since predebut era. originally a ksoo stan now both kd are my babies TvT

I’m a Kyungso0 and Jong.in stan ☺ Baek.hyun’s my bias wrecker though

I'm Kyungso0 stan followed by Jong.in. and I only ship Kaiso0

both are my biases but kji is my ult💕 ex0-l for lyf

I started shipping kai.soo back in 2013 when I was a casual ex0.l and didn't have a bias. Now my bias is jong.in :)

Ex0-l, my ult is kyung.soo, and jong.in follows!

ex0-l yi.xing stan HOLLA HOLLA love kaiso0. stan ksoo over jong.in just a lil bit.

EX0-L, I love all EX0 members! Baek.Hyun is my bias! <3

I'm a Ji Stan but I love both boys with all my heart

I'm a jong.in stan that was exclusively a jong.in stan before I cared abt or knew any other members. and then kaiso0, like immediately afer

Ksoo stan

ksoo and jgnog stan :^))))

Ex0-l - stanning both

I love all of ex0 members, but I'm Jong.in biased. I do support (believe in) KD since I entered the fandom 2 and a half years ago ^^

ksoo and nini stan

Im an arm.y but i've been shipping kaiso0 almost since the beginning :) they are The only ship that I actually believe is real

ji & ks stan, but i knew about and supported KD before i entered the fandom

Kyungso0 Stan ❤❤

I'm not an ex0-l but i like ex0.. and i recognise love when i see it

Yi.xing stan Kai.soo shipper!

#kaisoo: analysis/theory

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theliberaltony · 6 years

Link

via Politics – FiveThirtyEight

Welcome to FiveThirtyEight’s weekly politics chat. The transcript below has been lightly edited.

micah (Micah Cohen, politics editor): Welcome, friends! I hope everyone had a thankful Thanksgiving!

harry (Harry Enten, senior political writer): I had turkey. I wish I had duck.

clare.malone (Clare Malone, senior political writer): “#sex-misconduct-2020” — what a name for a Slack channel. My god.

micah: Sign of the times.

For discussion today: A wave of sexual misconduct allegations has hit political and media figures. So we’re going to take the long view today and talk about how all this might play out in the context of the 2020 presidential campaign. One much–talked–about 2020 prospect, Al Franken, has already been accused in multiple incidents.

So, first we’ll talk about how sexual harassment and assault allegations could directly affect the 2020 field. Then we’ll discuss how the issue generally could affect the 2020 race.

harry: Sounds good to me.

micah: Let’s start with Franken …

clare.malone: He can’t run for president.

micah: Cards on the table: I think this is a huge blow for Democrats.

clare.malone: In what sense? As a party, because he can’t run?

micah: Yeah. I thought he would have been a really strong 2020 candidate against President Trump.

harry: You drafted him very high in our potential 2020 Democratic nominees draft.

clare.malone: But there are a lot of other strong candidates too, so I’m not sure it’s a huge loss in terms of Democrats’ chances in 2020.

Now, did how Democrats reacted to the Franken allegations hurt them? Maybe.

micah: Hold that thought!

perry (Perry Bacon Jr., senior writer): Franken himself has not been high on his 2020 chances. He has repeatedly said that he will not run. Maybe he knew that some parts of his comedy career and pre-Senate life would emerge and make it difficult to run.

clare.malone: Or he was just saying that, playing the coy politician game of demurring until …

micah: Are we all in agreement that he can’t run now?

perry: Not fully. No. Politics is a male-dominated field. Even the Democratic primary, the donor class is men.

clare.malone: I think so … Harry?

Should Franken launch a comeback bid??

micah: I mean, there is a loooong time until the 2020 primary heats up.

harry: The allegations will make it very difficult for him to run.

clare.malone: Democrats have enough other competent candidates that Franken is just not a good investment, given other options.

harry: A majority of Democrats think that sexual harassment within their party is a “very serious” or “somewhat serious” problem. I don’t think they’re going to choose someone accused of it.

clare.malone: There are a lot of powerful women’s advocacy groups out there in the Democratic universe, guys …

micah: Is Joe Biden in the same position?

clare.malone: Has he been accused of something I’m unaware of?

harry: Biden’s performance at the the Anita Hill hearing is problematic.

micah: Yeah, I was talking about the Hill thing.

perry: There are videos — and I think it was featured on “The Daily Show” — of times that Biden has touched women in odd ways, like Ash Carter’s wife during Carter’s swearing-in as the defense secretary in 2015. And, yeah, his handling of the Hill hearing.

clare.malone: I mean, I find that stuff not all that convincing if I’m going to be perfectly honest and out there.

It seems very different from what Franken is accused of — forcibly kissing someone, grabbing breasts.

micah: Yeah, that seems right to me.

clare.malone: Now, that’s not to say that if someone said “he grabbed my ass” I wouldn’t believe it.

But I just don’t find the argument that he’s a hugger and maybe too much of a shoulder-rubber to be all that convincing.

perry: Biden is not the same as Franken, of course. But would I want Anita Hill publicly criticizing me during a Democratic primary in which I’m running against Kirsten Gillibrand, Kamala Harris and/or Amy Klobuchar. No.

clare.malone: Yeah, of course.

micah: Yeah, let’s just take the Hill part of this. How big a problem would that be for him?

harry: I guess I wonder whether the party will nominate an old white guy who has a history of seeming to be non-supportive of a woman accusing a powerful man of sexual harassment at a critical point in his career.

clare.malone: The Hill stuff would be brought up, but here’s the thing: Democrats are going to choose Biden if they think they need a person to cross over to the disaffected Obama-Trump voters. And I think those voters wouldn’t care all that much about Anita Hill.

Now, do I think Biden is going to be the candidate? No way.

micah: But not because of Hill?

clare.malone: Not necessarily, Micah. I just think Democrats want fresh blood.

perry: If there were a Democratic primary debate, say next Wednesday, I think Biden would be on the defensive, big time. But it’s hard to imagine we are in this moment on accusations of sexual harassment two years from now.

micah: Interesting. That’s sorta the big question: How lasting is this moment?

clare.malone: In politics and media, at least, very lasting, I should think.

BUT

It remains to be seen what the American electorate thinks of it and whether they will take this moment to heart. Democratic primary voters are likely to take it seriously.

perry: The specifics of that Hill hearing, how the male senators jumped on Hill, how Biden basically prevented other women from testifying against Clarence Thomas in public, are really damning.

If there was sustained, detailed coverage of that, I think it would matter.

harry: And the “Resistance” is largely led by women, so I expect a lot of power to come from that part of the electorate in the primary. And sexual harassment is a big deal for those voters.

micah: Particularly, as Clare notes, in a Democratic primary.

micah: Before we turn to Trump, are there any other potential 2020 Democratic candidates who have been accused of anything?

clare.malone: Sen. Sherrod Brown’s ex-wife accused him of domestic abuse — hitting and threatening her.

The fact that his ex-wife is now friendly with him might make it easier to handle, though.

But, it’s still a thing that has come up for him in a couple of elections. I wonder how it would play in 2017.

perry: I hadn’t read that full account around Brown.

clare.malone: Yep. It’s not that well known outside Ohio, I don’t think.

perry: Hard to see him running in 2020.

harry: Anything and everything relating to a male candidate’s relations with women will be brought up in a way that perhaps we aren’t used to from the past. We’ll see.

clare.malone: Yeah … I can’t wait to talk about how politically savvy Gillibrand has been in this moment.

perry: I disagree. So I’m eager to discuss this.

micah: DEBATE!

clare.malone: OK, so Gillibrand said that Bill Clinton should have resigned over the scandal involving Monica Lewinsky. That statement brought down the wrath of the likes of Philippe Reines, a Clintonworld person, in a string of truly amusing late-night tweets.

But the idea here is that Gillibrand is trying to capitalize on the current political moment — kill your idols. This is smart, in my book, because frankly: (i) a lot of people hate the Clintons, (ii) it makes Gillibrand seem woke to the moment, (iii) it’s a way to make her seem like a more appealing anti-establishment liberal to the younger folks (uh, she is not).

micah: Ooooh, I had not thought of that last point!

clare.malone: But I also think Obama-Trump voters would like the Clinton slam — and as we know from her early pro-gun record, Gillibrand isn’t afraid to court the center.

perry: Gillibrand, who has flip-flopped on basically every issue from her time as a more conservative member of Congress to a very liberal member of the Senate, has accepted all kinds of support from the Clintons for basically her entire career. There was a way to criticize Bill Clinton’s conduct without becoming, I would argue, a leader of the “Bill Clinton should have resigned movement,” a role she doesn’t have a great deal of credibility for …

But as I was typing the above and reading what Clare wrote … I think I’m convinced. Most people don’t know Gillibrand’s history. Younger people won’t care. The Clintons are done.

I think Clare is right.

micah: That was a fast debate!

perry: Yeah, Gillibrand is very establishment, but this makes her less so. Clare is right.

micah: I now officially give Clare this chat’s debate

clare.malone: Oh, I think it was SO SMART to bite the hand that fed her.

Cleansing fire!

Burn that bridge!

micah:

clare.malone: Anyhow — I think she’s looking like a 2020 front-runner. There. I said it.

micah: BAM!

harry: Clare, of course, picked Gillibrand in the first round in our draft.

perry: Massive flip-flops are generally bad. But Gillibrand is moving in the right direction and taking a stand that will matter. It also fixes what I thought people would see as her biggest problem: She’s Hillary-Clinton-esque, a blond female senator from New York who is tight with Bill Clinton.

micah: OK, so let’s pivot for a sec …

The likely GOP candidate in 2020, of course, has his own problems with allegations of sexual harassment and assault.

clare.malone: Who?

micah: Those problems didn’t prevent him from winning in 2016, but that’s not the same thing as saying they didn’t cost him electorally. So … does Trump’s history take on a different role in 2020 in this new context?

clare.malone: Mmm

micah: Harry, we got polling on this?

clare.malone: I don’t think it does for a lot of people, to be honest.

micah: You think it’s baked in? Or that it will be treated as “old news”?

harry: A majority of people believe Trump is biased against women.

clare.malone: They already elected him knowing a lot of this stuff and made allowances for “Trump being Trump.”

Al Franken is the kind of guy who will read an act of contrition. Trump is not. And the people forgave him (or something) anyhow.

micah: Well, enough people did for him to win.

perry: Is it possible that all of the accusations happening now are, to use a word I hate, “normalizing” what Trump did? If Roy Moore, John Conyers and Franken are in Congress in 2020 — a real possibility — will at least 50 percent of voters be able to look past the allegations against Trump? (46 percent already did.) And all of this stuff on race and gender is part of Trump’s brand.

harry: The big question is whether the Democratic candidate is in a position to capitalize on Trump’s weaknesses. Clinton, who was so unpopular, was apparently unable to.

clare.malone: My esteemed colleagues both make good points.

There is certainly a danger, from the Democrats’ point of view, that many swing voters will just think: “OK, we already knew politicians were rotten. Now we know they’re all a little pervy, too. C’est la vie!”

micah: Couldn’t the allegations against Trump be more damaging in 2020 if they receive more sustained focus — i.e., throughout the campaign?

Remember that in 2016, they broke late and then were overtaken by other news.

In 2020, the Democratic candidate will be able to run ads on it throughout.

perry: It will be hard to cover in a sustained way because it’s not NEW news, assuming that there won’t be any new accusations.

Everyone can re-interview the women from before and publish those stories with more details, but it’s going to be tough to make news with that. Also, I feel like Roy Moore is running “f— the media, vote for me” and that might be appealing to a lot of conservatives. Trump has and can do the same thing.

clare.malone: Yeah, I just don’t think his alleged harassment will be at the fore.

I frankly bet that it will be overshadowed by claims of incompetence.

micah: Won’t Democratic Candidate X mention it in every stump speech?

perry: No. Is Doug Jones mentioning Moore’s stuff in every speech? Not that I’ve seen.

clare.malone: Right.

micah: Well, OK then.

harry: I’m not sure what the top issue will be in 2020. If the economy goes south, it will almost certainly be that. With the economy doing OK, it could just be a mishmash of issues.

clare.malone: Oh god, Harry, tempting fate.

micah: IDK, I feel like you all are underrating the extent to which old news becomes new news because new details emerge, or Trump says something stupid, etc.

clare.malone: Hm.

Do you really think there is a shortage of news these days, Micah?

perry: The details about Trump that we learned in 2016 were kind of, well, detailed. What do you think we can learn, Micah?

The guy explicitly said he would grab women “by the pussy.”

micah: I mean, I don’t know. Maybe there’s a video somewhere. Maybe new accusers come forward. I really don’t know.

perry: A video I guess would be different

clare.malone: I really need to do a lot of yoga before 2020 so I’ll just be blissed out.

micah: That, or the pharmaceutical route.

perry: I think what you are getting, at least from my point of view, is this: Does this new climate around sexual harassment provide voters, particularly women, who maybe regret voting for Trump the first time with a sort of permission structure not to vote for him next time? I.e.: “He wasn’t the president I thought he would be. I didn’t realize how bad the allegations of harassment against him were in 2016,” etc.? I think this is possible. Yes.

harry: My own guess would be that sexual harassment as an issue will move far more voters in the primary than the general election.

clare.malone: For Trump? Or are you talking Democratic primary?

harry: The Democratic primary.

clare.malone: (We haven’t even talked about a GOP primary situation in which a candidate runs, knowing he’ll lose, but to weaken Trump. And that candidate would maybe use the Trump moral failings/harassment charges as ammunition.)

perry: My guess is that the Democratic primary will be clear of any people who have harassed anyone. And I don’t think John Kasich should run against Trump based on sexual harassment.

micah: I guess my point, as Perry noted, is that the bounds of what’s “acceptable” can change. There was a group of people who looked past the allegations against Trump in 2016. Maybe some won’t look past them again in 2020. For example, these Republican women who Clare talked to last year before the election.

perry: I think this is correct.

clare.malone: Tri-bal-ism, people.

micah: Partisanship is a helluva drug.

clare.malone: I also think older women have a different attitude toward harassment, even if they’ve experienced it. I say this from personal and reportorial experience.

Women are no exception to society’s historical leniency toward male harassers.

harry: To Micah’s point: A lot of voters down in Alabama have shifted their votes based on the Moore allegations. (Whether that holds, I don’t know.) So I won’t say it won’t be an issue. It could be, especially if a candidate makes it a focal point of a campaign.

clare.malone: Yeah, I think I want to see whether it holds. I’m genuinely curious.

micah: Yeah, how Alabama plays out may provide clues as to what to expect in 2020.

perry: OK, unless Micah has a question, how about this: Will Bill Clinton speak at the 2020 Democratic National Convention?

micah: Interesting question!

I think … no.

clare.malone: HELL no.

perry: I say yes, but not in prime time.

micah: Oh, that’s a good answer.

clare.malone: Well, as I’ve said often, Democrats are bad at politics, so, sure, they might do that.

harry: I’d block him from entering the state.

perry: Lol.

micah: OK, to wrap, we’ve already hit on this a bit, but let’s talk about sexual misconduct as an issue, rather than how it will affect candidate selection. Will it be part of the mix in 2020?

Will Democratic or Republican candidates have to be for certain policies? Or just “anti-sexual misconduct”?

clare.malone: It strikes me that much of the debate hasn’t actually even involved policies to solve harassment issues — for instance, what the legal definition of sexual harassment is.

micah: 100 percent.

clare.malone: I.e., it’s very difficult to prove in court that you’ve been harassed.

So it will be interesting to me if candidates act on it from a policy point of view and put that out there front and center on their platforms.

perry: Well, this past month, I read lots of articles about what does not work: training. Good thing that is what Congress is literally implementing right now.

clare.malone: yeahhhhhh …

harry: It starts on the Democratic side. If one candidate wants to make an issue out of this, then it is likely that the others will follow. That is just as key as what’s in the zeitgeist. (Granted, an environment in which sexual harassment is still brought up in the news every day makes it more likely that a candidate will bring it to the forefront.)

micah: Final thoughts?

perry: My final thought is that politicians in both parties are struggling with this issue. I was surprised how Nancy Pelosi, a trailblazing woman in politics, struggled to talk about Conyers this weekend. So it’s hard for me to predict what will happen.

harry: I think the chance of a woman being the Democratic nominee in 2020 has gone up over the past few months.

clare.malone: Yes.

#IFTTT #Politics – FiveThirtyEight #politics #538 #A FiveThirtyEight Chat

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peakyblinders1919 · 7 years

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The Answer Pt. 3

Elouise woke, surprisingly, in her own bed. What was less surprising, however, was when she rolled over, knocking into some naked, sleeping guy whom she didn’t remember. She rolled the other way then, trying to make it to the bathroom before she puked anywhere else, which wasn’t easy when the room was spinning. As much as she tried to all during her long, refreshing shower, Elouise could not remember the night before. Bits and pieces were foggy, but mostly she couldn’t remember anything. Some, herself included, might just say it was the sign of a night well spent.

Once back in her room, she loomed over the sleeping body, staring at him for what felt like hours. She didn’t know what to do with him and when the hands on the clock kept moving but she didn’t, and neither did the sleeping body, she decided to leave him there. She figured he’d wake up eventually and she hoped he’d be smart enough to find his way out when he did.

She then proceeded to get ready, something in the back of her mind suggesting there was somewhere important she needed to be. It was probably something for the company, that she may or may not still work for. She sighed when she could remember that clearly, walking over to open her closet again and get dressed.

“Polly, have you seen my red dress?” She shouted, not caring about whether she’d wake up the mystery man or not. When she didn’t answer right away, Elouise wandered the house.

Once she found that Polly wasn’t anywhere upstairs, she continued to call for her through the house, until she finally realized she never heard her come home last night. It was vague, very vague, but Elouise could slightly remember Polly saying not to wait up for her, she had had her eye on a younger gentleman last night. The thought made Elouise snicker, if just for a moment. Eventually Elouise figured she’d have to find the dress herself, walking downstairs. She didn’t expect to find Polly there but she did, and a young, handsome boy for that matter, snuggled close to each other at the kitchen table.

Elouise watched his eyes grow wide as he saw her standing there in basically nothing. She barely noticed at first, attuned to people always looking at her but she noticed him. He was different because of the way he looked everywhere but her glistening wet skin, color rushing to his cheeks when he had looked just a tad too long. Standing there, watching him squirm in her presence, Elouise had forgotten what’d she came downstairs for when Polly rushed to her side.

“OH?” Elouise asked, looking between them. “Who’s this then Poll?”

“Elouise, this is my son, Michael.”

“Son? Pol, you never told me you had a bloody son,” Elouise asked dumbfounded, tugging her towel around her tighter, suddenly feeling a little self conscious.

“It never came up in conversation.” Polly muttered, meaning that was about all Elouise would hear about it from her. She let it go, they both had secrets they kept from the other. The room was silent expect for the crackling fire in the fireplace which made Elouise’s hair stand on end. She tried not to notice it but the sound was deafening. She started to feel it then, the heat creeping up her throat when Michael took a step forward.

“Pleased to meet you.” He said in an unexpectedly low, husky voice that drew Elouise back to the present, her gaze darting from the fire to his hazel eyes. He extended a hand, anxiously waiting for her to take it. She did so only after the heat faded and everything settled back to normal.

“Likewise,” she mumbled, her mind somewhere else as she looked at him for perhaps too long, their handshake lingering too long as well.

“It’s hanging up outside.”

“What?” Elouise asked abruptly, turning to Polly who was next to her now.

“Your red dress? Its outside.” Polly said, trying to make eye contact with her. She chuckled, pushing Elouise into a back room towards the door. “What is wrong with you? Put some clothes on God damn it.” She whispered in Elouise’s ear and left her there alone, still contemplating whatever had just occurred back there. She shook her head clean, focusing on the fact that Polly had a son. For some reason the thought of Polly being a real mother was funny to her, even though that’s what Elouise saw her as for practically her whole life. She could feel it instantly, things were going to change. She sighed, throwing her dress over her arm and walking back in to see Tommy, Arthur, and John goofing around with Michael.

“Oi, El,” John said as she walked in, all of their eyes turning to her. “You had a good night last night?”

“Uh, yeah?” She responded hesitantly, hoping they wouldn’t keep asking her questions. And they wouldn’t have either if the man hadn’t started descending the stairs, stopping midway when he realized everyone was standing in the kitchen and staring at him.

“Well fuck,” Elouise muttered under her breath as the men stood tall, sizing him up, ready to either beat him up or start laughing any second, it was hard to tell which would be more pleasing. Everyone stared at him as he courageously walked towards Elouise, Michael looked at him with wide eyes as he stood in front of her awkwardly.

“Uh, thanks for the night.” He said awkwardly, putting his hands in his pant pockets, trying not to let everyone’s stares get to him. Elouise just stood there, waiting for him to go. “I’ll…uh give you a call?”

She shook her head without looking at him. “Just get out,” she said dejectedly, and when he leaned forward to give her a sloppy kiss on the cheek she just stood there and tried not to roll her eyes out of her head. He pulled away and she gave him a fake smile, hoping he’d go. When he lingered too long, that’s when the boys started talking.

“Alright, come on, out ye go,” Arthur said, taking him by the collar unexpectedly and walking him out of the house. Elouise could finally breath again once he was gone, but all eyes now turned towards her.

“Who was that?” Tommy asked with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.

“Some guy from last night.”

“Yeah, but what’s his name?” For once, in the presence of someone new, Elouise actually felt embarrassed for not knowing his name. She kept her eyes on the ground, not wanting to look any of them in the eye. When he asked again, she snapped her head up to look at him.

“Well fuck if I know Tommy.” She blurted, folding her arms across her chest.

“Be a lady for once, will ya?” Arthur called, trying not to laugh but they couldn’t help themselves, while Michael stood out of place, furrowing his eyes.

“When has she ever been ladylike?” John said, nudging his brother in the side, causing her to send him the death stare.

“Morning to you too fellas.”

“Come on Elouise, get dressed and get to work.” Tommy said and she gave him a light smile, thanking him for providing her a way out of the situation.

“Nice to meet you again Michael.” She said, only now looking back at him since she was introduced to him. His eyes were glued to her, like he was studying her, intrigued instead of dismayed by everything that he just witnessed. She didn’t want to linger on it too long though, finally walking past them and upstairs to get dressed, knowing they were shaking their heads at her antics when she was out of sight. Right before she got into her room though, she heard them talking and laughing downstairs.

“So what’s her story?” Michael’s low voice said, making her stop and listen for more.

“Listen, I’ve known Elouise for just about my whole life and I still haven’t figure that one out.” John’s voice rang.

“She seems…interesting.” Michael said, Elouise detecting a hint of sarcasm in his voice. She silently cursed herself, normally she didn’t give off the best first impressions but this was possibly the worst one ever. But she didn’t know why she cared so much as she found herself going into her room to get dressed, actually putting on a little bit of make up and fixing her hair so she looked more presentably and less of a disaster.

When she was all done checking and rechecking herself in the mirror, she headed back downstairs, their conversation lulling when they heard her coming.

“Yeah that’s right,” she called as she rounded the stairs and entered the living room where they were all spread out waiting for her, “you dicks can stop talking about me now.” Arthur and John laughed, meaning they were guilty the party, but they usually were the ones to talk about you anyway. Still, something sat with you weird as you watched Michael loosen up a bit more and laugh a little too.

“Well, you’re here now son. Welcome to the Shelby family,” Tommy told him, slapping him on the back. Arthur and John proceeded to tell him they’d show him the ropes, but Elouise watched Polly’s face read pure terror at the thought and she knew that wouldn’t work. She’d probably do everything in her power to keep her son out of the illegal side of business, probably out of the business all together, and Elouise began to wonder, if for only a second, why Polly never had a problem with Elouise working for them. She shook her head free of her lingering thoughts, happy to be back at the business, she’d never want to be unable to work at the company.

“Come on, you guys are going to make me late,” Elouise teased, trying to ease the tension.

“Let’s leave him be for now, eh?” Tommy said, picking up on both Polly’s and Elouise’s queues. “She’s right, we’ve got business to do, let’s go.” He said and everyone muffled rounds of goodbyes as they started walking towards the door.

“You haven’t been on time a day in your life Elouise,” John teased as he followed her out the door.

“Oh fuck off, I guess todays not the day I start either.”

“Stop fucking fighting both of you, let’s just go.”

“Come on Tommy.”

Everyone left in a furry of words and swears and emotions, ready to work. While back inside the small, warm, house Michael was ready to find out just what this world was like. After watching them linger outside, getting into the car, he smiled, turning to Polly.

“They seem nice,” he said, sending shivers down Polly’s spine as she tried to smile at him. What would she have to do to keep it that way?

#peaky blinder imagine #peaky blinders imagine #peaky blinders fanfic #peaky blinders fanfiction #michael shelby #michael gray #michael gray imagine #michael gray fanfic #michael gray fanfiction #michael gray X OC #OC #peaky blinders oc #theanswer

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ttstranscripts · 5 years

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Transcript of The Talk Show Episode 172

Title: Holiday Party

Host: John Gruber

Special guest: Merlin Mann

Release date: 9 November 2016

Description: Merlin Mann returns to the show to discuss the election, by which I mean we mostly talk around the election. I hope we never do another show again with such heavy hearts, but whatever you think about this election, I think you’ll like this show.

Merlin Mann: Had a heck of a day. I’ve had a very interesting 30 hours.

John Gruber: [laughs]

Mann: Yesterday morning, we woke up early. I knew I had jury duty at the Superior Court.

Gruber: Wow!

Mann: Yeah, yeah.

Gruber: On voting day?

Mann: I only found out finally yesterday that I’m registered under two addresses and basically that’s why I get called constantly. And I’m jury crack. I always get called, I always get picked, and no matter what I say, they’re like, “Haha, that’s great, we could really use you.” So in this case, Superior Court — oh my god, what it’s going to be — long story short, we get up early, the three of us go to the polling station, my daughter drops in the ballot for Hillary Clinton. I go to jury duty, I narrowly, narrowly avoid a multi-month attempted murder jury duty.

Gruber: Oh... [laughs]

Mann: John Gruber, I’m literally rocking in my seat and making this noise, [in a distressed voice] “mhhn-mhhnnn”. I won’t drag this out, but basically I pleaded hardship. Even though they said they’re probably not going to let us off for that, I astoundingly got deferred. I walk up 6th street. Are you familiar with 6th street?

Gruber: I am. You know what, I am oddly familiar with 6th street in San Francisco.

Mann: You don’t unsee 6th street, you don’t forget 6th street.

Gruber: Right. [laughs]

Mann: I walk up 6th street, and it’s like a Godspeed You! Black Emperor song. It’s just a lot of people with sores and amputations, I saw a sobbing man pooping on the street, there’s a lot of screaming and dogs and it’s basically, it’s like the end of the world. And that was my morning up till about 11:30. So then I just went home and started rocking at home. I couldn’t even play Threes, I was just rocking, going “mhhn”. Because I’m already — I’m sorry, I’m monopolizing your show — I don’t want to make a big deal about it because I think it’s unseemly —

Gruber: It was a bad start, it was a bad start to a bad day.

Mann: And I hoped that those would all be good, good portents. But that was my morning and then, yeah — how are you feeling, are you having a good day?

Gruber: [laughs] No! Here’s the thing, I think you and I owe it to the world? We owe it to America, we’re going to do this show, and we’re going to do this show for everybody.

Mann: Okay. You don’t have to be an Apple fan.

Gruber: Are you with me so far?

Mann: Oh, I’m so with you. You’re going to get notes. [laughs]

Gruber: We’re going to get notes because we’re going to miss some people. We’re trying to scoop up everybody... we’re trying to... we’re... we... [sighs] I don’t know, we’ve got the scoop... we’re coming in for everybody...

Mann: [laughs] Are you having a holiday party there?

Gruber: Yeah! Oh...

Mann: [laughs, claps]

Gruber: I’m having a holiday party. Merlin, we’re coming in with the scoop, we’re coming in for everybody, we’re going to try to pick everybody up.

Mann: Yeah, okay.

Gruber: And we’re going to miss some people. There’s no doubt about it. There’s no way —

Mann: John Gruber, you can’t get every person, that’s the first lesson you learn.

Gruber: No way, and we’re going to miss some people. In my opinion, this is the most special episode of this podcast I’ve ever recorded. I’ve recorded many Star Wars... [laughs]

Mann: Isn’t that still your record holder?

Gruber: Oh, of course, Star Wars episodes are about eight hours long. And I mean, we’ve had Harrison Ford on, we’ve had Mark Hamill on —

Mann: He was a lot nicer than I expected.

Gruber: — Carrie Fisher, I mean, some very special guests for those episodes. Nothing is going to compare to this episode of the show and I would tell you —

Mann: No pressure! [laughs]

Gruber: No, no pressure. Well, there was only one person —

Mann: We’re trying to scoop up everybody, but we’re going to miss some people.

Gruber: Well, I would tell you this, I’m going to be honest, open kimono, I’m opening the kimono here.

Mann: [laughs]

Gruber: [sighs] I’m not happy with the election results. I honestly fear for the state of Western democracy. I absolutely, positively had too much to drink last night. And when I woke up this morning, I thought, there’s only one person I can ask to be on my show today and it’s Merlin Mann.

Mann: Hello!

Gruber: And I will say this, I reached out to you —

Mann: For this very special emergency episode.

Gruber: Right. Because I’ll tell you what, I am, in general, I try to go once a week and once a week would’ve put me like a couple of days before the election, and a couple of days ago I was too pre-election obsessed, and I thought, nobody wants to hear pre-election obsessed John Gruber talk about the keyboard on the new MacBook Pro, right? I mean, who the fuck cares about the goddamn key travel on the MacBook Pro two or three days before the end of Western civilization? So I thought, I can’t do it. I probably should’ve. I should’ve just done like a regular show, just called Moltz up again, you know what I mean? Couldn’t do it.

Mann: You also, you as a person, you enjoy a winning franchise with a story.

Gruber: Ohh, I do, I do.

Mann: And one thing I’ve learned from you and I share with a lot of people was that distinction you made one time, I think, on this program, talking about how there’s numbers people in baseball and there’s story people, with regard to fans.

Gruber: Yes, right.

Mann: I still think about that a lot, and it did have an effect on how I think about sports as a thing. I’m not trying to take the piss, I mean, you like the Yankees, you like, what, Cowboys, right?

Gruber: Yep.

Mann: You like these teams with a storied past who are going to win. So it makes sense for you to wait until the inevitable win to be able to talk about it in a way that’s — I don’t know, more celebratory? Why be jittery on air. Because it all seemed like it was going in the right direction. Mostly. Mostly, I mean, I don’t even know where to begin.

Gruber: I’ll just tell you this. I was thinking last night, and early on, I started tweeting less because I started thinking like, you know what I like to do, I think people who, certainly people who listen to the show, but people who follow me on Twitter, certainly know, I like to tweet during sporting events I care about. And it is a similar feeling in my stomach when there’s a sporting event I care about and an election I care about. But then there’s a difference, and the difference is that sports don’t mean anything, and that’s kind of the fun part about sports, and I know that there’s —

Mann: Everything that’s wonderful about sports is what the fan brings to it. You can choose to bring all different kinds of history and expectations and import, but you get to pick what you’re going to be very emotional about, and on some rational level, you get to decide why those stakes are important to you.

Gruber: Right, like, if six months ago, you — something happened, and you had a terrible head injury, and you went into a coma, but you’re a terrific baseball fan, and you don’t wake up until like the middle of next year. You wake up, and you’re like, “Who won the World Series?” And somebody tells you, “Well, it was the Cubs.” The state of the world outside the word C-U-B-S, “Cubs”, is actually not any different than if they said, “Oh my god, it was the Cleveland Indians.”

Mann: I feel like I only hear this — but a lot of people say that was probably one of the — definitely one of the better World Series games, some people would put it in their top 50 games.

Gruber: Yeah! No, there are people who would put it in their top 5 games. I mean, it was an amazing game. But the truth of the matter is that outside of the baseball park, it doesn’t really matter and that is — so I do, I woke up yesterday and I thought, you know what, this feels like when the Yankees are in the World Series. I’ve got that feeling, I care, I can’t sleep, I’m jittery. Except, I know that this time it cares. In one regard it makes me say, this is why sports are great, and in the other regard it makes me say, this is why a lot of smart people don’t give two craps about sports because sports are actually nonsense. And I kind of feel like this election brings that into focus.

Mann: Yeah. I mean, I don’t like getting involved in a lot of political — I don’t like talking about politics in public. I have my feelings about all kind of stuff in life, and who knows, maybe it’s time for me to talk more about it, but I feel like, generally speaking, the cost-benefit analysis on — having a strong public opinion that’s unambiguous, and you argue about it a lot, and you encourage people to pick or continue fights with you, that’s just not my personality, it’s not how I want to live, it’s not who I want to be, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have those strong opinions. So my cards on the table. And I’m that guy, I’m that guy that used to say, get rid of all your news tabs, stop following stuff — time and attention. But I have started listening to probably half a dozen podcasts about politics this election year, some of which come out every day, or twice or three times a week. I’ve been utterly steeped in that. But at almost every step of the way, even when things were not looking great for the Democratic candidate, there was still part of me that said, I think I understand enough about the bones of this country to know how this will end up. And on top of that, I see enough stuff from different sources of data that tells me it’ll turn out okay. Is this going to be the best election ever? No. But I swear to Christ, even up until yesterday, that confidence in the American bones is — I think I might’ve gotten it wrong? And so when we were texting this morning, that’s kind of where I am. I’m not to angry yet, I’m not to fingerpointing, I’m not even to abject terror yet, I’m still stuck at sitting there in my living room with my family last night. My daughter was literally under a blanket, she put earplugs in and went under a blanket to read Wimpy Kid because she couldn’t take it anymore.

Gruber: I love the Wimpy Kid books.

Mann: Oh, there are better than you think. But watching that little drip, drip, drip and then seeing a state flip to red, and at first, when we walked up, I picked her up at school like I do, I said, “Hey, look, he’s got three on the board already, don’t worry, people knew he was going to get those, those are not giant electoral states.” She knows about this from school. But anyway, I don’t mean to prod along, but I’m here today because I’m not even to where I know I’m going to end up, I’m still — I’m just stunned by how wrong I was and how poorly I saw, and I think I’m going to be processing that for at least a few days. Words like “shock” and “surprise”, it sounds silly. I just listen to Keepin’ it 1600, which is a show I like a lot. And they’re just like, “We got every single bit of this wrong, and we feel bad that we told you not to wet the bed.” Now I’m just sitting here — I’m babbling, but I’m sitting here and I’m stunned with how much I got wrong, I’ll eventually try to figure out what I got wrong, but at this point it’s just an unconscionably large amount of assumptions that I had a fairly decent level of confidence in that I’m going to have to just rethink a whole bunch of things that make me very uncomfortable.

Gruber: Not for “let’s make sure everyone feels included” sake, but for “hey, everybody is sick of the divisive stuff”, is why I would love and I think you agree that this episode of the show should not be like, hey, Hillary should’ve won, Donald Trump is an asshole. I don’t want to divide people because everybody’s had enough of that and the time for that is over.

Mann: Not least because Democrats are the second most surprised party today.

Gruber: I agree, you’re right, I do think so too.

Mann: I don’t think most people in their hearts really believed this would go this way.

Gruber: I agree and I honestly think if we want to just for a moment get a little political —

Mann: [laughs]

Gruber: But seriously, Donald Trump’s win is not a Republican win, it’s a Trump win. What he is and what he represents and what drove his victory has almost nothing to do with the Republican Party. But I would like for this episode of the show to be for everybody, and I will just tell you that my son who is not, I wouldn’t think is political, because he’s 12 years old, he’s way too young to be political — before we sent him to bed last night, we’re watching the results, they were not, they were obviously heading towards where we are, and he said that his stomach felt bad. And I mean, it killed me because what am I going to say to him? [sighs]

Mann: I think kids pick up a lot from the people around them, particularly their parents, doesn’t mean they’re going to listen or put on their shoes, but they can read a lot of the emotional temperature and barometric pressure in the room. And we’ve talked a lot about this election at home, a lot, a lot, a lot, but I think the difference here is, it’s not that my team didn’t win, it’s that maybe I just don’t understand baseball anymore? And that’s a very different kind of thing to process, and I think, apart from the fact that we were both crying a little bit, which is never fun to do in front of your kid, it’s — I think there was definitely the sense that this was something very much different, it’s not like she sat and watched a bunch of presidential elections, but it felt like the stakes were higher than we had any idea. And then, god, what did Amy say today about, I mean, could you share what happened at his school?

Gruber: Yeah, well, the one thing was that we got a letter from the principal of the school, the head of the school, whatever they call the guy — we got an actual email that said like, “The rhetoric of the guy who won the presidential election is still no longer accepted at our school”, which is like —

Mann: That’s like when — did you get the creepy clown letter in October?

Gruber: Yes, we got the —

Mann: We got the creepy clown letter, and I remember thinking, oh my god, I know how busy our principal is, and I can’t believe that she had to take any amount of time from her day to acknowledge that there was such a thing as creepy clowns and then to feel the need or maybe the mandate, maybe it came down from the unified school district. But she had to say, there’s a couple of other things I’m not going to do today because I need to email everybody about creepy clowns. And you’re like, wow, that’s — just FYI, for my purposes, you don’t need to keep on the creepy clown bit, I trust you on the strength to just take care of that. But that’s something that your kid’s principal felt they needed to do.

Gruber: On that note... [laughs]

Mann: “You guys know Fracture!” [laughs]

Gruber: Let me take a break —

Mann: [laughs hysterically]

Gruber: — and tell you about our first friend.

Mann: If you’re going to have a holiday party, I feel like I should have one too. That’s just what we need, just need me to show up at my kid’s school in two hours just a liiittle bit drunk. [in a drunk voice] “Everything’s going to be fine, honey.”

Gruber: [laughs]

Mann: “Daddy’s just sleepy.”

Gruber: Today’s host of The Talk Show is Harry Caray. [laughs]

Mann: [laughs] “Hey, hey.”

Gruber: “Hey, hey.” [laughs] Seriously, we’re laughing because we’re crying, but I want to tell you about our g— [breaks into laughter]

Mann: You want me to take this one?

Gruber: — our good friends at Automatic.

Mann: Oh, love Automatic!

Gruber: It’s a small adapter, it turns your car into a smart connected car. They’ve just launched, I mean, seriously, within like the last month or so, the Automatic Pro, it’s a new version of the device they already sold that in addition to all the cool stuff it already does, it includes unlimited 3G online internet connection. Exactly, you think, well, that sounds too good to be true, well, look, your Kindle, Kindles have been doing this for years. I don’t know how they worked out the deal with the 3G providers, but the Automatic people did it. It’s a dingus, you plug it into your car, there’s a port on every car made since like 1997–1998, somewhere around there, there’s a port and that’s where when it says, like, you get a thing on your dashboard that says “A1 service due” or whatever, you don’t know what A1 service is. You take it into the car dealer, they plug a thing into this port and then it knows exactly what you need. Well, it turns out that’s just an oil change or whatever. Automatic lets you plug their dingus, they have a dingus, that’s what you buy. You plug it in and you get all that information, all the service information that your car can provide to a mechanic or a service provider, but instead you get it, you can — if it’s nonsense, if it’s just like, oh, you know, one of the lights is out or something like that, you can just turn it off, whatever you want to do. Otherwise though, it gives you so much information, it gives you information on your efficiency, on how you’re driving your car, it gives you information on fuel efficiency, all that stuff.

Mann: John, John, John, it does it all, it’s an app plus it’s a dingus, you did mention it’s a dingus, it’s a fantastic dingus.

Gruber: [laughs]

Mann: Here’s the thing, those fat cats in Detroit or Tokyo or wherever, no offense, I don’t want to be ping-pong, they never intended you to use that port for this, they say that’s for them, that’s for them, that’s their port, don’t use that. They [Automatic] are democratizing that port in a way that’s very important in our country right now. You get that dingus, you get that app, you plug it in, and you know what, you don’t have to think about it, you’re going to hear this — “beep” — that means it’s working. You can have it yell at you when you break, you can have it tell you, hey, quit driving so fast, you dork. Like John, for example, John lost his license now about five years ago —

Gruber: That’s true.

Mann: You were driving, I think you were driving 190 in a 30 mph zone.

Gruber: That, well, that was what they said I was doing.

Mann: Was it that fast? It was pretty fast.

Gruber: I don’t think that that’s true but that’s what they flagged me for. 105 in a 30 zone.

Mann: 105 in a 30, the speedometer only goes up so high. But you get this thing, it’ll automatically tag business trips for your expense purposes, it’ll do all of that and it will make you a better and more mindful driver, you don’t have to think about it, it just works. It also works with things like IFTTT, you can hook it up to all kinds of different things, you can have it turn your freaking lights on when you pull home. This thing is dynamite. Are you laughing at my tweet?

Gruber: I’m laughing because you’re the only person — I don’t know if anybody who listens to this podcast [drunkenly struggles with the word] regulllarrrly —

Mann: [laughs quietly]

Gruber: — has noticed, there’s a couple of regulars who come back. And you’re the only one who ever breaks in and helps with the sponsor read.

Mann: Yeah. [sarcastically] Thanks, John Moltz.

Gruber: Well, Moltz will never do it. Moltz will sit there and text me while I’m doing it, and he’ll give me notes on how the sponsor read could be better, but he won’t break in and say anything.

Mann: Sickening. Sickening.

Gruber: Moltz won’t say a goddamn word. He’s the worst.

Mann: I use this [Automatic], I love it, I bought this dingus with my own goddamn money, and we use it, and I look at it, and it is a terrific device.

Gruber: All right. Where do you go to find out more? Go to automatic.com/thetalkshow. There you go, there’s the [phenoms?] you need. My thanks to them. Great sponsor. I love them. I’ve got it plugged into my car, I’ve got the app, and honestly, it has gotten me to take the lead foot off the gas pedal. A little bit.

Mann: Oh, that’s, that’s so important. So did you ever get your — you probably shouldn’t say that.

Gruber: No, I don’t have a license, I haven’t had a license in six or seven years.

Mann: But the Automatic becomes a kind of ad hoc license. It’s license to be safe. They can just run with that. Did you get my text?

Gruber: Yes.

Mann: Can I tweet it?

Gruber: [laughs] Yeah, absolutely.

Mann: Okay.

Gruber: My hope would be that people — I mean, there’s not that many people who listen to this show, my hope would be that people are not going to report this to the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation.

Mann: No, no.

Gruber: We’ll keep it on the QT that I continue to drive without a valid PA driver’s license.

Mann: Yeah. You know, I don’t think that has to be a big deal. If you’re just moving the car or let’s say what if you had to go somewhere important. Should you need a license for that?

Gruber: No. I don’t think so.

Mann: What if it’s a fairly short trip, or better still, what if it’s a very long trip where you’re going to be on a highway. Everybody knows highways are safer.

Gruber: Oh, very safe. I mean, you could fall asleep on the highway, right? I mean, people who have the Teslas, they hit a button, and you could just go to sleep.

Mann: Yeah, yeah. Oh boy.

Gruber: I got a catalog the other day, just yesterday I think it was. I got a catalog, I don’t even know what I bought that put me on the list, but it came addressed to me. I got a catalog for a Radio Flyer. Now, you know Radio Flyer, right?

Mann: Oh, I got the same thing. With the Tesla?

Gruber: With the Tesla, yeah.

Mann: What are we on? How did we get this?

Gruber: You know what, maybe it’s this show, I don’t know.

Mann: They send it to — you know what it is, clicky keyboards, fussy coffee, fizzy water, has podcast. They call that an array.

Gruber: I got a Radio Flyer catalog —

Mann: We’ve gotten two of them!

Gruber: — with a delightful young boy riding in a Tesla, like a fake Tesla Radio Flyer wagon. [laughs]

Mann: Kids love Teslas.

Gruber: And I thought about taking a picture of it and making a joke, and I couldn’t make a joke, I couldn’t figure out the joke because what are you going to joke about? Zero emissions?

Mann: Self-driving, yeah.

Gruber: Zero emissions, it’s not actually a joke, that’s actually kind of cool. I couldn’t figure out the joke.

Mann: We get a lot of catalogs, John. We get a lot of political things, we had, I think it was, let me check here, 175 ballot initiatives yesterday.

Gruber: Oh my god, oh.

Mann: John, the Board of Elections had to provide guidance on how to fold your ballot to put in the envelope so that you didn’t end up spending like $11 on postage. They had guidance on that, I think they had, like, a QuickTime movie you could watch. Crazy days.

Gruber: [laughs] We had two — we don’t call them ballot initiatives here in Pennsylvania, I forget what we call them, it’s not like California. But we had two things to vote on that was sort of — the sort of thing that I don’t think you should be deciding by direct democracy, I think that this is exactly why we have a legislator. So one of them was, should we raise — in Pennsylvania, like many states, a surprising number of states if you just Google it, if you’re a state judge, when you reach the age of 70, it’s a mandatory retirement, you’re out.

Mann: That’s probably a pretty old law. From the time when being 70 was kind of a big deal.

Gruber: It seems like it, and on the ballot was an initiative, I don’t know what you call it, but whatever they call it here in PA, to raise the age to 75.

Mann: That’s so weirdly just slightly less arbitrary.

Gruber: Right, it’s not to get rid of it, exactly.

Mann: “Ah, come on, let’s make it 76.” Oh, okay, that’ll fix it. Done.

Gruber: [laughs] That’s exactly what I thought when I saw it. Do you want to get rid of this age thing, yes or no. I can kind of see that, but 70 to 75, it’s like, what? Where do these numbers come from? But we got a thing because we’re registered, we happen to be registered Democrats, I don’t think people are surprised to hear me say that.

Mann: [ironically] Huh, interesting.

Gruber: But we got something from our local Democratic word with a suggested ballot, like, here’s how we think you should vote, here’s everything that’s up, here’s who you should vote for. And it says like, President, you should vote for Hillary Clinton. Senator, Katie McGinty, that’s our senator who was running against this dipshit Pat Toomey, and so on as it goes down the ballot. But then it gets down to these ballot initiatives, and we only had two. And on the one that said “should we raise the mandatory retirement age for judges from 70 to 75”, it said, vote no, in other words, don’t raise the retirement age. It said, “Vote no —

Mann: Oh, that confusing language.

Gruber: — it’s already hard enough to get rid of bad judges.” That’s what it said.

Mann: What?

Gruber: I swear to god, Merlin. I’m not making it up. [laughs]

Mann: Doesn’t somebody have to approve these things? Do you just get to paste it up and it just goes in, whatever you have to say?

Gruber: Well, the next best thing was that the next question was “should the city of Philadelphia raise $185,000,000 in debt to finance infrastructure improvements”. And the answer on how should you vote, it was blank. It was blank!

Mann: What? Did they forget to fill it in?

Gruber: [laughs] They forgot to fill it in!

Mann: “Forget about it. Highways are for dicks!” Oh gosh, we had a lot. “Should people be allowed to sleep in tents on the sidewalk?”

Gruber: [laughs] No! I would vote no, I would vote no.

Mann: It’s very controversial, they don’t have anywhere else to sleep. You go down Division street, and it’s like a one long KOA under a highway. You got the, oh, the grocery tax, dun-dun-dun. [in a movie trailer voice] “In a world...”

Gruber: Here’s what I think they should do —

Mann: Okay. Just to be clear, we’re trying to scoop everybody in here, we’re going to miss a few people, but I think it’s really important that we try to really find some answers.

Gruber: I’m giving you an honest answer, here’s what I honestly think. I think they should drive buses, special buses around the city, and you find anybody sleeping on a sidewalk in a tent, you just scoop them up in a bus.

Mann: Where do they go after that? Do they stay on the bus? Are they allowed to get off?

Gruber: [laughs] They can get off wherever they want.

Mann: This may be closer to what we see in the next four years than you think.

Gruber: Whenever they wake up, they can get off if they want.

Mann: It’s going to be tremendous.

Gruber: They can get off wherever they want but... [laughs]

Mann: Okay, so the bus comes along, you scoop up the tent people and —

Gruber: And I’ll tell you what, this is an opinion that I would not have had if I hadn’t spent a lot of time in downtown San Francisco over the last ten years. But I’ll just tell you that there are people sleeping on the sidewalks in San Francisco who make the city an unpleasant place to be.

Mann: There are people living, it’s important, these are not people who take a nap, these are people who do not have anywhere else to go.

Gruber: We’re trying to have fun, I’m not trying to make light of a desperate situation, but —

Mann: People already ride on the public transit, you can ride on the public transit, you’ve got a fairly comfortable place to be.

Gruber: What I’m suggesting though would be a bus that has a toilet. [laughs]

Mann: Oh, nice, okay. You’ve got like a stadium restroom on wheels. John, would they have shower facilities at all? Maybe a small library? Could you get a LaCroix?

Gruber: I would like all of those things. I would vote for all of that.

Mann: You get a Google bus, you get a nice Google bus.

Gruber: I would vote for all of those things, I would vote for the shower facility, I would vote for the small library, and honestly, I would vote for the tax increase that would pay for it. Honestly, I do feel like that would make for a better city.

Mann: Well, if you never find a house, you should come out here. Too soon?

Gruber: Too soon. There’s an awful lot of people, and again, I’m not trying to rub it in anybody’s face, I’m not trying to say who — I voted for Hillary Clinton, I think a lot of people who listen to this probably voted for Hillary Clinton. I’m not trying to say she should’ve won, I’m not trying to rub it in anybody’s face if you voted for the other guy. But there’s an awful lot of people who voted for Donald Trump who I would really like for them to spend a day at, like, 3rd and Market in San Francisco. Just stand on the corner for 12 hours.

Mann: Yeah, yeah. That gets at a lot of the problem. We don’t have to go into this, but did you look at that Washington Post demographic breakdown?

Gruber: Yes, I did.

Mann: Boy, this is going to be an interesting few years. Basically, pretty cool — I don’t know if I could find the link now, I’ll send it to you here.

Gruber: I got it, I got it. I’ll put it in the show notes.

Mann: Essentially, I think these are exit polls so take it with a grain of salt, but basically they go in and do a full demographic breakdown, starting with the basic numbers but then going through gender, race, education, party, age. And I think it’s a pretty good infographic that really tells a hell of a story that I think many of us need to really digest. I love the fact that — so basically, they’ve got a line of like — so you say, for example, they could say “sex”, I say “gender” because I’m woke — what percentage voted blue and then I think that’s reflected — so basically, area of the circle is based on the size of the demographic group and percentage of vote obtained, so you actually get three different very interesting data points. You get the who did what, you get the how that went, and then you get the what percentage of the total amount do they represent. And therein is quite a story.

Gruber: It’s a fascinating thing to scroll through because it works on a couple of dimensions where the circles are the size of the group —

Mann: So like the total number per capita, like how many people are involved, right.

Gruber: Right, it’s like you see how far apart the two groups are, but the size of these circles lets you know, like, sex: men vs. women. Well, the groups are obviously humongous because almost everybody is either a man or a woman. And the race one, where it’s, you know, how did white people vote, how did black people vote. It shows you how many of the people who actually voted are white or black or Hispanic etc., etc. So you hear these numbers, you hear, here’s the numbers, this is from their page you’re saying, and we’ll put it in the show notes, but the black vote went 88 percent to the Democrats, 8 percent to Donald Trump, 2 percent to Gary Dingus or whatever his name is.

Mann: Yeah, but the size of that circle —

Gruber: Right, lets you know.

Mann: — ain’t that big.

Gruber: Right, you say, 88 to 8, holy hell, that’s a blowout and then you see the size of the circle and —

Mann: A pie is always round.

Gruber: Right, exactly. It’s a really interesting infographic in my opinion. It explains the election in a way that feels true to me. Obviously not in the way that is true, like, “Oh, this is the truth I want to hear”, because the election did not turn out the way that I wanted but —

Mann: Sometimes when I get real worked up, I take pictures of my TV, and so I just sent you an image from last night with a great state of Pennsylvania in which you live, and at the point this was taken — I don’t know if you’ve got that in your messages.

Gruber: I got it.

Mann: Look at that breakdown. So they’re breaking down voting for the two parties, presidential candidates by city, suburbs, and rural. City: 73/24 Clinton. Suburb: 48 percent dead even. Rural: 72 percent Trump.

Gruber: Yep. I remember all the way back to 1992, and it was, how old was I then? Jesus Christ, I was only, I think that was the first election I could vote in.

Mann: Oh wow.

Gruber: I was, like, a freshman in college. But I remember hearing James Carville on TV, at the time James Carville was like the horse whisperer in Bill Clinton’s ear, he’s the guy telling him what to do. And James Carville described Pennsylvania as Philadelphia on one side, Pittsburg on the other, and Alabama in the middle. And as a lifelong Pennsylvanian, I was like, oh yeah, that’s exactly right. And as a college kid who had just moved from that sort of Alabama middle to one of the cities on one of the sides of the state, I was like, yeah, that’s exactly right, that is totally right.

Mann: Scott Simpson always used to say the same thing, he comes from a very rural community, he said he felt absolutely no allegiance to any of those two cities, coming from the middle.

Gruber: Yeah, I believe Scott is from Lancaster or near Lancaster.

Mann: I should remember. All I remember is that he was in a Christian rock band.

Gruber: [laughs]

Mann: Company of Praise. They abbreviated C-O-P.

Gruber: If not Lancaster, it’s close enough. And everybody I know from Pennsylvania, it’s actually one of those things where it’s like, it doesn’t matter if you’re a Democrat or Republican, you hear that and you’re like, “Oh yeah, yeah, that sounds right.” Even if you’re pro-Trump, if you’re somebody from Pennsylvania who voted for Trump, you’re like, “Yeah, that sounds right, it’s dirty liberals on Pittsburg and Philadelphia and good people in the middle.” And it’s absolutely, it’s striking, the picture you just sent me is amazing.

Mann: There was that time last night where it was — trying to do the translation on time — but it was past my daughter’s bedtime, but it was at the point of, like, “ohh”. You know what I should not have been looking at? It’s that stupid New York Times little speedometer thing. That was the death of me.

Gruber: It was for me too, it absolutely was.

Mann: It was Clinton — I’ll say some names, I guess. But it was Clinton 82 for a really long time. Then it was like “beep, beep, boop” [?] down a little bit and you get to 50/50 — whaaat? And by the time I was getting up, at one point then it said greater than 95 for the Republican candidate. And that was around the time when — so I was going back and forth between CNN and CBS because CBS has John Dickerson who is flatly the best, he was so good on that show.

Gruber: I wish, in hindsight, honest to god, it wouldn’t change the result, which obviously is the only thing that really matters, but in hindsight, I wish that I had CBS on. I watched MSNBC and that was the worst decision I could’ve made, honestly.

Mann: Because they were — was there happy talk about how it would be okay or?

Gruber: No, it was more like... I don’t know, it was something about the attitude they were taking to the results that really got me. What I really want was just a total pro who didn’t have — I bet, I didn’t watch CBS but I bet John Dickerson was exactly what —

Mann: He was great, it was a pretty good crew, but when I would flip back and forth, and sometimes CBS would go to local coverage, and I was like, please, don’t tell me about legal marijuana, I need to see what’s happening with this national race.

Gruber: [laughs]

Mann: So I would hop over to CNN and it seems like — by the way, you guys can have your marijuana now, congratulations. You can have your 420s.

Gruber: The people of New Jersey, it was like, we’re having the most important, in my opinion, the most important presidential election in our lifetimes, and then half of the time was spent on did the people in New Jersey get medical marijuana.

Mann: Well, okay, so one nice thing is I think they’re finally getting their hands around on how to deal with those giant touch screens, it’s still kind of funny to watch them struggle with them.

Gruber: [laughs] Oh my god, on the MSNBC it was horrible!

Mann: Did they keep hitting the wrong thing? “Oh, whoa, oh.”

Gruber: And the guy kept complaining about it on air! He was like, “God damn this machine!” [laughs]

Mann: I don’t think they get time to practice nearly as much as — like, if you go see your local Perd Hapley doing the weather report, that is a person who has been dealing with the green screen and understands how to gesture their arms. In this case, they’re flying all over the place. But there was the point in the evening when they got to where it was like, “Okay, well, this is how it’s looking”, and this was right before it went to Florida, like pretty conclusively. But he’s going in, he kept zooming way in on Broward and saying, “Well, we know, this could still be Broward”, and zooming in further and then saying, “Then you compare that to 2012”, and then he kept going to these two counties in Michigan and kept saying, “Detroit, the story could still be Detroit, there could be like 150,000 people in Detroit that show up in a minute”, and we’re all going, “Yeah, yeah, that could be it. Detroit seems cool.”

Gruber: That was a little bit of the MSNBC experience too.

Mann: I’m sure we’re eventually going to get to our friends from South by South West but —

Gruber: [laughs] There was a little bit of this sort of — we’re watching it, and we came into it optimistic, we really did. And I don’t think we were unrealistic, everybody sort of expected a Hillary Clinton win. We went into it —

Mann: They at least expected something within a normal range, but it was like you went into your kitchen to make cupcakes, and it kept producing monitor lizards. I don’t even understand what’s happening in here! And I think they’re struggling with — because they can’t just say, “What the fuck is going on here?! What the fuck!” You can’t say that on the TV. So they’ve got to go like, “Well, Detroit, there could be a heck of a lot of, uhhh, underperforming with, you know, get out the vote, uh, news alert.”

Gruber: That is so true. I honestly think that that — again, I’m laughing because I am a white male with a job, so I can afford to laugh, but I’m crying on the inside because I really do think — I’m not making light of this election.

Mann: No, I don’t think that’s coming across —

Gruber: I hope so. I just want to double-emphasize it as many times as I can. But I really do think watching it live last night, there was this sort of like, we can’t say “what the fuck”, so therefore, because we can’t say “what the fuck”, we’re going to say stuff that doesn’t make any sense —

Mann: We have to utilize these other words that are in the parlance for our business that don’t get even near how what the fuck-y this is.

Gruber: Right, and so they were saying things like, “Hey, Hillary Clinton is down by 300,000 votes in Florida, but she might make up 80,000 votes in Broward County so...” And you’re like, wait, you just said she’s down by 300,000, and she maybe, if everything goes right in Broward County, might make up 80,000. You realize that’s not even close to making up the difference?

Mann: No, it’s this magical thinking. Everybody goes, “Well, you know, Wisconsin still isn’t all the way in.” They didn’t even bother to go to Wisconsin because that’s so in the bag, it’s not even going to be a problem.

Gruber: And I would turn to Amy and I would say, “Am I mishearing this? This doesn’t make any sense.” And by the time I turned to her, I would look and then all of a sudden they’re talking about Wisconsin.

Mann: [laughs]

Gruber: It’s like, wait, wait, put that manic guy with the glasses back on and have him explain to me how making up 80,000 votes in this — and MSNBC, they were going through these contortions about what they can call and when they can call it, and I was saying to Amy, I was like, wait a minute, if you’re saying, she is down by 300,000 and the most she could make up is 80,000, what in the world is the difference where you can say “we can call this”? Just call it! Just fucking call the goddamn thing! And here we are, 24 hours later, we’ve got these results, we see the results, and she didn’t win Florida. Why couldn’t they call it when she was definitively, best case scenario, down by 220,000 votes? I don’t understand that.

Mann: There’s this other phenomenon in, like, when you’re a little kid — I have to tell you, we might’ve talked about this before, talking about TV, but I always haaated election nights as a kid. It was so boring, all the shows got preempted, and then your parents would sit there and watch this incredibly boring thing, and you’d hear about this, like, who your new alderman is. Yay, where’s Happy Days, fucking bring it. I knew this was excruciating for my daughter, but I was like, “You know, we’ve told you this is a pretty big deal and we’re —” I won’t get too personal, but we had a lot of personal stake, all three of us, had a lot of personal stake in this. Yes, even my nine-year-old daughter, maybe especially my nine-year-old daughter, had a lot of stake in this, so that made it really difficult. You learn as you get a little bit older, like when you first see the map when you’re a little kid, you go what, like, oh, Texas. Well, Texas is a big state and it’s a big deal because there are a lot of electoral votes. But you know, all these little states you see running down the side because they’re too small to identify, some of those end up being really important. In other words, the amount of red or blue on the map, you learn to look at the numbers rather than the pretty colors because that’s the story, do you know what I’m saying? A smart person understands that you can for example, as recently as 2016, you can win the most votes and still not win the election because that’s not how the electoral college works. And my kid understood that, my wife and I understand that. So you start seeing more and more of the red pop up and then they go to somewhere like Michigan, and all of a sudden I felt like I was seven years old again. I was like, there’s so much red on there. And they keep zooming in on these two or three little blue areas, but it was very profound to me to then have to undo that idea because the colors were not lining up, the shapes were not lining up, and the numbers were not lining up. And that’s why I want to locate this a little bit in last night because over the period of about 90 minutes the world started to feel a little bit different, at least a little bit different, and then it started to feel different faster and faster, and my breath was taken away at several points.

Gruber: We’re three hours time-shifted from you, but we were watching the same thing at the same time, and that is exactly how I felt, exactly, exactly. I couldn’t put it any better. And again, like you were saying, with these county by county results in Michigan, I was just like, what the?.. How can this be, how can Hillary Clinton possibly win, looking at this?

Mann: Right. But also some 2015 part of your brain is spinning because the 2015 part of your brain goes, even if there’s three people in that county, how did three people in that county choose to vote for the Republican candidate? In my 2015 mind, which is still a big part of my brain, and again, now I have a different mind today, but that was part of the cognitive dissonance for me, was even, like, looking at straight numbers and having my iPad Pro sideways with multiple tabs open plus the side screen like an idiot, like a monster, I’m looking at all of this data and then drilling down, and New York Times actually had pretty good coverage on this, where you could go in and drill down into specific areas and see for yourself what was going on, and you could just look at the numbers. And the other thing we told our kid, and I think this is a good thing, is like, understand this is a multi-variant thing. There’s a certain number of electoral votes in that state, that state is comprised of counties, each of those counties are reporting in different ways and at different times, and shame on CNN for the amount of, like, 1 percent reporting special news alerts that they had, it was so gross. But you can go in and there’s this thing that happened though, and I guess this happens to everybody when their side is not winning is that you start seeing that number go up, and you see 60 percent reporting, you see 70 percent reporting, you start wondering how many more votes really could be there in a box somewhere in Portland that will pull this out. And then like you’re describing, you’re describing, I think, you’re very aptly describing that feeling of “oh my god, just say it”. Because I see it. I don’t believe it, I see it, why aren’t you just saying it because, oh my god, another one just turned red, why isn’t someone not saying what’s really happening here. And I really in my heart believed that at least some — I know they were trying to be journalistically canny and trying to be fair and trying to not freak out, but I bet you we’re going to hear a lot about a lot of things, and I bet one of the things we’re going to hear is how many people just can’t believe what happened on numerous levels. The failures or shortcomings of everything from our own perception to how we learn about what people think to how we choose to believe anybody else could see the world. I feel like I’ve just come out of a cult or something and I don’t know what I even think anymore. I mean, I know what I think, I know how I feel, I’m here to talk to you about how I feel, but I don’t know what to trust about my brain anymore.

Gruber: It was very frustrating, I thought, last night because what I want is somebody who knows as much shit about the goddamn new MacBook Pros as I do. I want somebody who knows that much about the elections to tell me what the hell is going on. And I felt like I wasn’t getting it. I felt like I was getting people who were as loosely informed as I was going like, “I don’t know, this seems kind of crazy, this is unexpected.” And I’m looking at the numbers on screen and I’m thinking, why won’t somebody just tell me, Florida is already lost. It was at the point, it was at least two hours after the point where me as a non-expert was looking at Florida’s numbers and thinking, this is gone, before they said, okay, Florida is in the Trump column. And I’m like, why did that take two hours? That’s crazy.

Mann: I can actually see this in my Safari, the two things that it says, “Do you want to visit this site?” on your iPad, the two of those have been 538 and The Upshot. The Upshot has done a really good job of graphically displaying whatever information they had. And you know, don’t yell at them, they’re just reporting the polls. But one of my favorite things to look at, because it’s very interesting, is the How Other Forecasts Compare area, which I’m sure you’ve seen. So this has not been updated since yesterday, but as of yesterday, New York Times, 85 percent Democrat. 538, the very conservative 538, really, in context, they were very conservative compared to the others, they got a lot of heat, 71 percent. Huffington Post: 98 percent Democratic. PW, I’m not sure what that is: 89 percent. PEC: greater than 99 percent Dem.

Gruber: Oh, that’s the Princeton Election something.

Mann: PW is PredictWise. So the 538 was the most pessimistic with the 71 percent.

Gruber: The Princeton Election Committee, or whatever the hell they’re called, I love the guy and I’m not doubting the statistical math behind the projection but that was how I slept the last few nights. [laughs]

Mann: Oh my god. Also they use WordPress. Anything else you want to tell me about today, anything you like?

Gruber: Should we talk about these buttons on the keyboards? [laughs]

Mann: Sure, sure, I just, at this happy point I thought you might want to wedge another sponsor to visit. I’ll help with the sponsor.

Gruber: I’m going to tell you, this is a new sponsor, first-time sponsor of the show. And I love it. I don’t know if you know this or not, I spend about 180 days a year at Disney World. I love Disney, and for the first time ever, Disney is sponsoring the show.

Mann: Oh, that’s so nice, that must’ve taken a long time to work out.

Gruber: Have you heard this though? This might be new to you, you might not have even heard about this, Merlin. It’s called Circle. Circle with Disney.

Mann: You’re not kidding me?

Gruber: I’m not kidding you, I am not kidding you, this is an actual sponsor.

Mann: Oh my gosh.

Gruber: It really is Disney. It’s a device called Circle. And it’s a little dingus. [laughs]

Mann: Look at that, it is a little dingus, it looks like the power adapter that comes with your iPhone.

Gruber: Exactly. You plug this into your house, it pairs with any Wi-Fi router —

Mann: [gasps] Oh my god.

Gruber: — that you might want. And what you can do is set up a thing so that if you have kids, you can manage their internet access.

Mann: Oh my god, this is so boss.

Gruber: It’s $99, one-time cost. But if you use the code “thetalkshow”, don’t forget the “the”, “thetalkshow”, you’ll save $10, it’s only $89. And you can get this — one-time cost, you can get Circle Go, which is like a service, you can get it for $10 a month, $9.95, for up to 10 devices. But it’s only for iOS. It’s super easy to set up. There’s nothing worse than setting up a complicated networking device. I mean, I’ve done it —

Mann: John, that’s table stakes nowadays. If you want to penetrate the market, as you like to say —

Gruber: [laughs]

Mann: — you’re going to have to come out with a device that has as little fiddle-y — save the fiddle-y stuff for your coffee, let Circle manage your content for you, you know what I’m saying?

Gruber: Exactly. If you’re going to spend a lot of time on something, it might as well be making your coffee. Circle with Disney lets parents filter content, customize what’s available, customize the time that kids can be on the internet. It’s amazing. Kids staying up late on their tablet — Circle with Disney lets you set a bedtime for each kid on each device. What about 4G? Because you think, hey, I’ll shut off the Wi-Fi, my kid will just hop on LTE. They know that your kids already have, probably, especially if they’re teenage years, they already have a smartphone and they already have that, so that’s why they make Circle Go. Disney Circle Go takes all the settings on your kids’ devices and lets you configure them with you Circle with Disney.

Mann: What?

Gruber: I swear to god, I don’t even know how that works.

Mann: Is it an MDM, how does it work? You know what it is, John, it’s Disney magic, they can use that.

Gruber: Disney magic. So here you go, if you got kids and you want to manage their access to the internet on your Wi-Fi, remember the code, “thetalkshow”. Go to meetcircle.com. M-E-E-T, not “meat” like we’re going to eat steak or whatever. It’s like you’re meeting somebody, you’re greeting somebody. meetcircle.com. And you get free shipping and $10 off with that code, “thetalkshow”. It’s a great device, super easy. They sent me one, I did, I set it up, it is super easy to set up. I mean, my kid actually is, just between me and you, is maybe sort of not the sharpest tack in the room because he — I don’t think he actually tries to go to anything that we wouldn’t approve of?

Mann: Hmm. Doesn’t it disappoint you a little bit?

Gruber: A little bit because I know —

Mann: Don’t you want him to be a little bit more ambitious?

Gruber: Yeah, a little bit. I would think that he would but — so we set it up and it was super easy to set it up. They sent me the thing and I set it up and it’s like, do we really need this? I don’t know because it seems to me like our kid just comes to us and he’s like, “Hey, is it okay if I search Google for blah blah blah?”

Mann: Wow, but you know what, belts and suspenders. Have a good kid and get yourself a Circle.

Gruber: Exactly, that’s what I thought, exactly.

Mann: Good deal.

Gruber: Couldn’t be easier to set up. It’s a beautiful little device. So go to meetcircle.com and remember the code “thetalkshow”, you will save $10 and get free shipping. There you go.

Mann: Just for what it’s worth, for now, it appears that meatcircle.com with an A is available. [laughs]

Gruber: [laughs]

Mann: You know what? I’m just going to go there. As a man from San Francisco, I’m here to tell you, if there was a website called Meat Circle with an A, about circles of meat, I got a pretty good feeling that Meet Circle with two E’s would not let you see it.

Gruber: I could’ve sworn that was the name of the restaurant where we went the last time I was out there.

Mann: Mmm. Meat Circle.

Gruber: We’re making a joke but it actually is not a bad name for a — not bad at all.

Mann: Think about those tourist-y sushi places you go where it arrives on the boat and they just count your plates, what if there was a rotating, let’s call it a carousel, a carne carousel, you’ve got a spinning meat Lazy Susan. And you could just try all different things, it would be kind of like going to a Brazilian steakhouse but with a technology. I think people would love that, Meat Circle. I think they’d gobble that up.

Gruber: At the Brazilian steakhouse, the ones I’ve been to — we’ve got two here in Philly, we’ve got Fogo de Chão and we’ve got — I forget what the other one’s called. The other one’s better.

Mann: [laughs] Ringing endorsement from John Gruber!

Gruber: Ringing endorsement.

Mann: Yeah, we’ve got one here, it’s costly but it’s a lot of fun — if you go at lunch, you don’t get as many varieties of meat.

Gruber: No, no, at the lunch you get screwed.

Mann: Lunch, they got chicken hearts.

Gruber: They desperately want you to come in at lunch.

Mann: [with an accent] “Would you like more chicken heart? Corazón de pollo?” Yes, I know that’s Spanish. We’re like, we’re good, we’re good. How about some more of that tri-tip? “Yeah, maybe you try the chicken heart. It’s on a sword. I think you’ll find it quite toothsome.” And the tiny little sausages?

Gruber: I love the little sausages.

Mann: My favorite I think is the straight-up, salty sirloin.

Gruber: All right, the other one here in Philadelphia is called Chima. That’s the good one. Fogo de Chão is a little... I don’t know, a little... you save like five bucks, there’s always like an all you can eat type deal.

Mann: Oh, you don’t want to be buying meat on price. Nuh-uh.

Gruber: Chima is the good one. But for anybody who hasn’t been to one of these places, both of them, at least here, and I’ve been to Fogo de Chão — you know, it’s going to be funny because it might come up again later in the show — in Austin, Texas, I’ve been to Fogo de Chão.

Mann: [laughs] You meet a lot of interesting people in Austin. “You okay, man?”

Gruber: But it’s the same deal though where you go into this place, and there’s these cowboys walking around who grill the steak, and they give everybody a little thing, red light/green light.

Mann: “Obrigado.” Yeah, more steak/less steak, red and green. Red steak/green steak.

Gruber: If you put it green side up, if the guy is coming around with whatever cut of steak he’s made, he’ll say, hey do you want some? And you say, yes or no.

Mann: They usually ask you, but if you have it on green, they’re not legally obligated to ask.

Gruber: Right, they might just give it to you.

Mann: That’s the law of Rio, it’s called, from the Magna Carta. They can come right up and put whatever meat suits them on your plate, and you have to eat it, and they don’t have to ask you, you don’t have to say your thank you, they’re just going to literally keep bringing meat until you can get your swollen, greasy fingers to change it to “obrigado”.

Gruber: [laughs] That is true, that is the law of the Brazilian steakhouse.

Mann: [laughs] You know what the other law is, don’t fill up on salad, that’s the second law. Second law of the Brazilian steakhouse, because that’s how they get you, they want you to fill up on potato salad and shit, don’t do that because they’re going to bring you a bunch of chicken hearts in a minute.

Gruber: And they always have, everyone, doesn’t matter what the name of the steakhouse is, if it’s a Brazilian steakhouse, it’s always a salad bar where you can go up and go hog wild on the salad.

Mann: Ours has a hot bar too, ours is called Espetus, and boy, is it ever good. Is that what yours is called, Buca di Beppo, Beppo di Buca, what’s yours called?

Gruber: [laughs] Well, we got two, we got Fogo de Chão, and we got Chima.

Mann: Espetus, they got a really nice salad bar of some unconventional salads, some non-traditional salads, and they got a hot bar, so if you want black beans and white rice, not a problem. You can go up there and get yourself some fake-y paella. It’s by the bathroom. Wash your hands, come out, get a plate. But that’s rule number two, rule number two of steakhouse club is that you don’t fill up — and bread, they’re going to give the cheesy bread, fuck that! Rule number three of the Brazilian steakhouse, do not fill up on the fucking — I’m talking to you, daughter! Big glass of milk. That’s for meat! Don’t fill up on that.

Gruber: And the cheesy bread is good.

Mann: It’s good, but that’s how they get you.

Gruber: [laughs] It’s so true.

Mann: It’s really disappointing.

Gruber: There’s a reason why at a regular steakhouse, where I mean “regular” meaning you don’t get an unlimited red light/green light meat, that they don’t also have a “just eat as much as you want at the salad bar” salad bar.

Mann: Exactly.

Gruber: It is true, you said “that’s how they get you” and that is, I think, for me and you, “that’s how they get you” is sort of a catchphrase of our parents’ generation. They would explain the way those systems work.

Mann: That’s the single greatest piece of conventional wisdom for everybody older than me. [in a low voice] “You’re going to 7-Eleven? Oh, you’re going to get one of those Big Gulps? Oh, how much is that, it’s a dollar? You know what that costs? A nickel. That’s how they get you.” Is that right? “You’re buying a Japanese car? That’s how they get you.”

Gruber: I remember somebody telling me that we you went to 7-Eleven, that you had to be careful of how much ice you put in the cup because —

Mann: “Don’t put ice in. That’s how they get you.”

Gruber: Right, that no matter what size cup you got, they’d fill it up with ice and you’d get the same amount of soda even if you got the 64-ounce — which is bullshit! Like, a 64-ounce soda is an enormous amount of soda, but there were people who told me in my youth that that’s how they get you.

Mann: It’s like the secret menu for cheapskates. It’s the things that you can get away with. [in a low voice] “Hey, listen, so you know when you go to this place, you can ask for extra rolls to take home and they have to give it to you.” We used to run a restaurant when I was a kid, and it would be the same people who were very unhappy, every weekend would come in, and they came here to be unhappy together. Same people who complained about the same things every time, there was a one couple who always came in, always got the same really crappy deuce right by the bar, and then they would complain about the noise in the bar, and then they would steal literally everything off the table. Every week, they would take all the silverware, the salt and pepper shakers, they would take the Sweet’N Low, they would take the sugar, they would take the flower arrangement, and then we’d have them back the next week. And that was just the thing we did. Florida.

Gruber: [laughs] We had like a —

Mann: I’m having a hard day, John, I gotta be honest with you, I’m having a hard day.

Gruber: You know what, I don’t know who else would do this with me, Merlin. Honestly.

Mann: Well, we were not going to scoop up every single person, but I think it’s good that we’re here, it’s good we’re here to talk about this.

Gruber: Right, so, Amy and I, you know this, maybe people who listen to this show don’t know this. My wife, Amy and I, and people maybe know her on Twitter, she’s @amyjane, but we literally were in the same kindergarten class together. We were in school together from kindergarten all the way through twelfth grade, then we were separated for the college years, somehow made it work. And here we are, now we’re married and we’re on Twitter, we’re married on Twitter.

Mann: [laughs]

Gruber: But we’ve often said though, it is an amazing thing that we spent our teenage years together because we can tell stories about our teenage years and instead of like, oh my god, just blacking out, rolling your eyes because your significant other, your partner is talking about being 14 years old, you’re like, oh my god, I remember that, and you’re like, I was there and yes, that is true. So where we grew up, everybody was a member — it was a public pool, it was public but you had to pay, your family had to pay like a hundred bucks a year to get in or something like that, so it wasn’t like you could just show up. But everybody was a member, you’d get a special badge, every year they’d put up a new color badge and you’d sew it on your swimsuit, so when you showed up at the pool, they could see that you were a paid member. And as a teenager, every day, every single day in the summer what I would do is I would wake up, I would go play basketball because I was an avid basketball player, I’d play basketball from like 11 am till 1 in the afternoon, and when it got just too goddamn hot to keep playing basketball, we would head over to the pool and that’s where we would go. And at the pool there was a snack bar. And the snack bar sold, like, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Swedish Fish. I think your entire selection of food offerings were Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Swedish Fish, which were a penny a piece, and they would count them out, and it would take forever.

Mann: [with an accent] “One, two, three. Three Swedish Fish. Now back to the pool with you, and wait a half hour before you go back in.”

Gruber: And they had a soda fountain. Long story short, at some point in my teenage years, somebody convinced me that they were screwing me over by filling my cup up with ice.

Mann: Because that’s how they get you.

Gruber: Yeah, that’s how they get you! So I would go over and get my — I would say like, “Give me a Dr Pepper, no ice.”

Mann: They’ll never see that coming.

Gruber: Two points, I have two points to make on this. Number one, warm Dr Pepper tastes like shit, it is horrible, it really is.

Mann: [smacks lips] The pruney-ness really comes out. You don’t realize how pruney Dr Pepper is until you have it at room temperature. It tastes like some kind of a 19th century elixir.

Gruber: And number two, this is the point — you’re going to love this, Merlin, you’re going to love it. About two or three weeks after I started ordering my sodas no ice and my friends were doing the same, it wasn’t just me, it was a bunch of us, they changed their policy —

Mann: [gasps]

Gruber: — and if you ordered your soda no ice, they only filled it to one inch below the cup.

Mann: Wow. Because of portion control.

Gruber: Right. And we would say like, “Give me a large Dr Pepper, no ice.” And they’d only fill it an inch below the rim and then you’d be like, “Wait, that’s not filled”, and they would be like, “Well, that’s where the ice would go.” [laughs]

Mann: It’s like one of those bars, bars with robot dispensers. You know what I mean, like, there are some bars now where when you get a drink, it’s like a — the robot does it, it tells it, this is exactly an ounce or half an ounce or whatever. Oh, that’s sickening, my god, and they got you again, that’s how they got you a second time.

Gruber: The thing is, in hindsight, one reaffirms the other, where on the one hand, it tasted terrible because it wasn’t cold, but on the other hand, the fact that they started screwing you on how much soda, reaffirms the initial reason why you did it, which was this is how they get you, because if it wasn’t how they got you, why would they be screwing you on how much soda they put in the cup.

Mann: Absolutely. The system always wins.

Gruber: System always wins, and this is honestly how we wound up with President Trump.

Mann: You blame the system?

Gruber: If you connect the dots, I would say that 1987 at the Antietam pool, a no ice Dr Pepper only being filled one inch below the rim dot dot dot here you go, 2016, President Trump. Do you agree?

Mann: It makes perfect sense.

Gruber: I think it’s a clear line.

Mann: When you put it that way, I see it. I’m thinking of any kind of documentary, not a documentary, but a docudrama, like you do something like And the Band Played On. And the Band Played On is about the AIDS epidemic, but it begins with Matthew Modine dealing with the Ebola and that sets us up for all the flashbacks. Paul McCartney walks by, sees a bass in the window, “Oh, one day I’ll be playing that at the Cavern Club”, you know, “As you know, Bob, this is what I ended up doing.”

Gruber: [laughs]

Mann: And so in this case, a young John Gruber, hot from basketball, 11:01 every day, he wants to take a dip, buy three cents worth of Swedish Fish, and have himself a refreshing cup of Dr Pepper. And now today everybody’s at school crying. You put it that way and I see it now.

Gruber: I think it’s a direct line. Jesus Christ, Merlin.

Mann: How did everybody get so — so I was telling you I was listening to all these podcasts, usually I’m getting six podcasts a day in the run-up to this, and boy, it was like radio silence this morning. There was one NPR Politics episode I think they recorded last night, there was a pretty short — what was the other one, 1600 finally came out, but so far today no Culture Gabfest, maybe John’s busy. No Trumpcast, still haven’t heard Election Profit Makers, it’s been a real quiet —

Gruber: Crickets chirping.

Mann: I don’t know how many of those things you listen to but I’m sitting there, flippity flippity flippity, like, come on, Overcast, let me “experience my emotions”, as my hippie girlfriend used to say. I want to experience my emotions, I want to walk through this.

Gruber: Again, I’m being more jovial than usual and quite frankly —

Mann: Well, it’s the holiday season.

Gruber: Right, quite frankly, without taking another sip of any beverage, I might be drunk for the next 72 hours based on how much I drank last night. So, you know.

Mann: You gave yourself a contact high.

Gruber: It’s table stakes. Let’s just face it.

Mann: It’s a complicated time, for sure.

Gruber: But I think it might be enjoyable. But here is what I thought. I’m going to be deadly serious here, and again, apolitical, it doesn’t matter what side you’re on, but there was a moment yesterday, let’s say 24 hours ago and as we record, no results were in, so it wasn’t even like, oh, it looks bad for her, it looks good for him or whatever. 24 hours ago, I thought, you know what, I should’ve done a show by now, I should’ve had a new episode. I don’t have a regular schedule, I don’t record on a regular schedule, and the reason I didn’t record a show is I thought, I can’t, I’m so distracted by this election, I don’t want to do a show because that’s all I can think about. And I realized, in hindsight, I should’ve done a show, not for myself, but because, hey, I’ll bet, tens of thousands of people who listen to my show would love to just distract themselves with me talking about the goddamn key travel on a new MacBook Pro. Like, two hours of me talking about what it’s like to type on the new MacBook Pro. In my mind, it was like, well, what a waste of fucking time, but in hindsight, I thought, that actually would’ve been great for the people who love the stuff that I do. And I should’ve done it. And then I woke up today and I thought, well, now I’ve got to get Merlin.

Mann: Yeah, I mean, basically, it’s been a really weird morning and my only thought was, like I said in the text to you, my only plan for this entire day was to try to stay sane and clean the shit out of the car.

Gruber: [laughs]

Mann: My whole plan for the day was — my wife biked to work today and I was like, “So, uh, how about I clean the car today?” And she’s like, “Yeah, that’s fine.” So I go out there, I got the vinegar —

Gruber: [laughs]

Mann: — I got the baking soda, I got the mini vac, I got the big vac, I’m taking it all out, I’m taking the whole thing apart, and I’m scrubbing it like a crazy person because I need to control a small area today.

Gruber: I did that yesterday, Merlin, I swear to god, I mean, seriously, go DM her right now, you can DM Amy, yesterday —

Mann: Is she at the holiday party too?

Gruber: No, she’s actually — she probably will be soon, but she’s not at the holiday party yet.

Mann: You know, the reason you didn’t get an invitation is because you asked for an invite. If you ask for an invite, you don’t get an invitation.

Gruber: You know my feelings on invites.

Mann: That’s rule number five of the Brazilian steakhouse.

Gruber: You never get invite. [laughs]

Mann: There is no invite, it’s not a word. Stop saying that.

Gruber: Yesterday, I swear to god, you can — I swear to god, DM her and find out —

Mann: You cleaned the car?

Gruber: No, what I did is I vacuumed in our dining room. [laughs]

Mann: [makes a vacuum cleaner noise]

Gruber: Our kid, he loves corn chips, he eats a lot of tacos, he just likes corn chips, and there was just a ton of ground-up corn chips underneath our dining room table and I thought, what better — why not now, let’s get the —

Mann: Somebody’s got to get these corn chips off.

Gruber: Somebody’s got to get them. And my wife came down. And, I mean — shocker — 99 times out of 100 when somebody vacuums up the corn chips, it’s my wife, not me. And my wife was like, “What the fuck are you doing?”

Mann: Oh, I cleaned the shit out of our dishes last night. I cleaned dishes I didn’t need to clean. I cleaned the cast-iron pan twice and then this is a life hack, you can use kosher salt and you can rub it around in there without harming it, you don’t want to put soap in there. So I did that a couple times, with the kosher salt. And they still kept turning red. Stopped at one point to watch Parks and Recreation because my daughter was on the verge. So we watched a very good, relevant episode of Parks and Rec where she narrowly wins the election, because it’s an educational program for a 9-year-old. We’ve got to talk a little bit about what we got wrong, don’t you think? I mean, is that too much, is that too deep? We could talk about the keyboard, you know, I’m not using my Das because I’m on the podcast but I could type on my Das if that would help.

Gruber: No, I think we should, I think we should talk about what we got wrong.

Mann: It’s got some amazing key travel, listen to this, let’s see. [types on a clicky keyboard]

Gruber: Oh, that sounds good.

Mann: You want to talk about key travel? [continues typing] “Sixth rule of Brazilian steakhouse.” I don’t know what kind of Cherry that is, that could be Cherry Blue, Cherry Brown, I’d have to have Jason [Snell] listen to this. You know, Jason types very fast.

Gruber: For two or three seconds there I completely forgot about this election. [laughs]

Mann: Oh, isn’t that nice. We can talk about it. It seems so relevant. “Yes, that’s all very interesting, but will I be dissatisfied with the butterfly switches on my computer?” AAAAA!

Gruber: I have photographed myself — kids call them a selfie — with Jason Snell —

Mann: I yesterday watched the video of you using an Escape key. “Is it over here, no? Uh, over here?”

Gruber: I had to delete that tweet.

Mann: Oh, because it’s a loaner?

Gruber: Turns out the embargo is not up yet. [laughs]

Mann: Oh man, the embargo still counts, even today? Doesn’t that seem ludicrous that anybody is doing anything today? Doesn’t it seem crazy that anybody is at work while worrying —

Gruber: Yes, it does. That’s exactly what I thought yesterday. Long story short, I tweeted a video of me using an Escape key on a MacBook Pro, and the embargo is not up on those MacBook Pros, but on the ones that have the physical keys, it is up and I just — it was yesterday and I was so — I mean, this is what I was thinking, why not obsess over the Escape key? [laughs]

Mann: Absolutely.

Gruber: I would love to spend the next four years thinking about Escape keys. It just seems like, wake me up four years from now when the next election is over and I’ll spend the entire, between now and then, just dealing with Escape keys.

Mann: Our friend Marco even said, “Hey, you know, I would get into sports if I could get that back.” I’ve gotten two emails today, one email was a 2FA to get into my Apple on the web when you sent me the notes for this, and the other one was somebody who just sent me an email today. And I was like, what the fuck? You sent me an email today? Who sends a fucking email the day after the election? I mean, it’s the way we used to feel about Christmas. It’d be like having a vacuum salesman at your house on Christmas morning. Why are you, what are you doing? Don’t you live in a civil society? You don’t send somebody an email on the day like today. What are you thinking? How did that even cross your mind to do that? I’m sending texts to my friends and saying, “Are you okay?” That’s what I’ve been doing all morning, is texting my friends to say, “Are you okay?”

Gruber: The sun never even came out here.

Mann: Oh dear.

Gruber: We’ve had about 36 hours of complete darkness. I’m not even making that up, it’s actually been a very dreary day.

Mann: You did go red.

Gruber: Yeah, and amazing thing — and I thought, well, this is a good sign — is yesterday, election day, it was beautiful! It was 62 and sunny.

Mann: Oh, what a good sign! What a great sign.

Gruber: Not a cloud in the skies. [laughs]

Mann: Everything’s coming up Milhouse.

Gruber: Yeah.

Mann: [laughs] But to return to that, because I just need to vent a little more, is, like, even at last night, and even when it got bad, and even with the needle moved past the 50 percent, that 2015 part of my brain said, “Calm the fuck down, there’s no way —” I mean, how late was it before you started to flip and then how long did it take for you to really say “oh shit”.

Gruber: That’s a very good question.

Mann: Because there were a plenty of chances and you expected that it would go back and forth, this is how it works, electoral —

Gruber: I started to feel really bad in my stomach when it took so long to call Virginia because —

Mann: So you’re okay with Florida because you realize, big state, lots of places, two time zones, there’s a lot going on in Florida.

Gruber: And I am enough of a political nerd where I kind of — I do feel like this election flipped a lot of the conventional wisdom, but the conventional wisdom is still basically true. And Virginia being so long was like a really bad sign. So Hillary Clinton ended up winning Virginia but the fact that it took so long to call it was really where it — so I would say, at least on the East Coast time, it was around, I don’t know, around 10 o’clock, so probably 7 o’clock your time where I just thought, the fact that they’re not willing to Virginia is a really bad sign.

Mann: I think I started to really get the fear a little before that. Last night — you know how you do the benefits where if you go and buy at this restaurant, the school gets money? We try to do this. So girls went out to get some poke at the poke place, poke bowl. And they were gone for a while, and they came back in, and I was like, “This is not good.” It was a situation where — you know, I follow this enough to know, okay, here’s the battleground states, I don’t need an infographic to understand the importance of that. Being somebody who’s followed this more closely than I would ever admit in public until today, I knew that there’s a handful of places that are going to make a difference. And I explained this with my kid, yeah, California’s got a lot of electoral votes, but what is it they say about companies, that’s baked into the price, or built into the price. We go into this knowing that there’s a really good chance, there’s a way beyond good chance that California is going to go this way. There’s a very good chance that, say, Utah is going to go this way etc., etc., etc. So you really focus on — it’s like we’re not going to worry about the ponds, we’re going to worry about the road that’s right in front of us here. These are the big things. And I kept going, okay, haha, here we go, I’m not going to have a drink, this is going to be fine. And I just kept thinking, okay, it’s time for a few of these to go from white to blue. And I kept thinking, feels like it’s really time for these to go from white to blue. To, like, well, this seems quite irregular. Why are more of these not flipping to blue? And that’s where I got to the headspace you’re in where you’re like, what is taking so long? We thought that was going to be one of the firewall states. What happened with that? And I bet that along with a lot of other people watching this, that’s probably around the time we had the WTF maybe aloud moment of going like, what if this is something — I don’t want to say fundamentally different because it isn’t like it started as an election and turned into a tennis game. It was an election that ended as an election. But at the same time there’s so many things that we thought to some level of certainty we understood about this — I’m sorry to keep coming back to this, but this is just where my emotions and my mind are today is I’m still stunned. I’m still stunned with how much I did not understand about what was happening. And then you go and you look at the polls. And you go and you look at the reporting on all of this. And I think it’s probably about five times worse for a journalist today. Like, listening to the NPR podcast this morning and they were just like, “Uh, yeah, this is real different than anything we had imagined could happen.” Do we rule out — just to get this out of the way because there’s certainly some part of your brain that goes, huh, it’s weird. If I were going to make a program that affected the elections, if I were going to do some kind of an exploit, I would make it look close for a while and then win by a little bit. Like, you’re a gambler. Right?

Gruber: I am.

Mann: Are we ruling that out? Do we feel like — that’s probably not — I just want to get it out of the way so we can move on.

Gruber: Yeah, I don’t think so.

Mann: Do you think there was meddling? I kind of do.

Gruber: No, I don’t, I don’t think so. I think it’s a totally legit election.

Mann: And that’s the problem.

Gruber: There was a period I would say between 8 and 10 Eastern time last night, we had MSNBC on before 8, but 8 was when real results —

Mann: That’s when polls start closing and you start being able to say something.

Gruber: Right. So from 8 to 10 I was kind of rolling my eyes and I kind of felt like MSNBC was sandbagging it to make it look close. There was that —

Mann: “Sandbagging” is a great word for it. They’re milking it, this is their last chance. They need to make this seem like a horse race up to the end. And everyone kept saying how close it was. That was the watchword of the night. This is so much closer than anybody thought.

Gruber: And there was an interchange between Rachel Maddow and — what’s the guy’s name, the guy who got fired from the big seat at NBC.

Mann: Tom Brokaw?

Gruber: No. He got demoted, not fired, but demoted.

Mann: Oh, oh, Brian Williams.

Gruber: Brian Williams, that’s it. There was an exchange between Brian Williams and Rachel Maddow where they kind of went meta and they were like, we are not fucking with you, honest to god, this is as up in the air as we’re making it seem. And it was right around that 10 o’clock at night moment where I thought, like, the fact that they are not willing to call Virginia yet, this is — something is going on. That’s where I thought, hey, this isn’t just the TV, they’re not just playing this for ratings.

Mann: Right, right. Yeah, I felt something similar. CBS did a really good job. I didn’t love every single one of the folks on, I think they could’ve done with fewer than six people and just let Dickerson talk more. But it was a very good group. I felt a similar thing at a lot of what I was looking at. And that’s when we were talking earlier about screaming WTF — I don’t know why I’m suddenly so precious about language. But there did get to be this feeling that you’re describing of almost like, we need to break the fourth wall for a minute here. Like, we all understand that there’s a performance aspect to this. A polling site is going to get less traffic if it’s a solid 85/14 for a year. If it’s a pretty solid 85/14 for a year, that’s not going to get as much traffic as something where those numbers are changing. So we get cynical about that, we understand clickbait and all that kind of stuff. But now I agree with you, I think there was a certain point or maybe I was just inferring this with my own increasingly frazzled mentality, but it really felt like they were struggling with it too. And so we’re avoiding getting to this but, you know, the polls. You go listen to anybody, and I told you in a text today, I’ve been listening to the FiveThirtyEight podcast and between Nate and Harry they always try to say, like, tamp down this irrational exuberance about what this means. Nate got burned pretty bad on Trump because at one point he said, he’s now famous for saying that he thought Trump — I can’t believe I’m saying his name — had a less than 20 percent chance of becoming the GOP candidate. And that really came back to bite him and I think he clamped down super hard with the model. And listen to that show all along, how they developed the model, updates to the model, what’s happening with the model. But I think they have all along been trying to tamp that down. But I had this really sick feeling where I want to hear this but I don’t want to hear this, I want to hear what they have to say because they were the most conservative and it was still so — I haven’t seen a side by side yet, I have not seen a side by side on how it turned out vs. what each polling site modeled. But that’s going to be a hell of a story. What parts of that broke down and how did I break down? I mean I’d like to think of myself as an empathetic person, I’m fond of quoting that old Renoir movie and saying “everybody has their reasons”. I think I’m a fairly empathetic person about this but I did not know realize how deep something was in this election. How deep some set of feelings and I think there’s a variety of feelings, I think just calling it racist or misogynistic is a little shortsighted, there’s something maybe even deeper than that going on there, and I called that way wrong.

Gruber: Yeah, and it is clearly — subtract white men and the election is a blowout for Hillary Clinton.

Mann: In the model, but a lot of white women came out.

Gruber: It’s true.

Mann: That’s the crazy part.

Gruber: And it’s weird, like, what is the difference, why was the white — whether you’re a man or a woman — angle so definitive here and not when the black guy was running the last two elections, you know what I mean?

Mann: Look at the margins, look at the margins in the — god, listen to me, I fucking hate myself. [in a mocking voice] “Let’s all look at the margins in the battleground states.” But look at the margins, the ’08, the ’12, and Hillary margins. And Wilkes-Barre — I don’t know if that’s how you pronounce it. But that’s one Obama ran away with. He won by like 20 points.

Gruber: Pennsylvania has gone blue since ’92, I think? It’s crazy, it’s really, really weird. And the turnout was phenomenal in Philadelphia. I don’t know what you were watching, you said that you were watching —

Mann: CBS and CNN.

Gruber: Right, but on MSNBC they kept cutting to Philadelphia and they were showing crazy long lines.

Mann: North Carolina, you see a line where somebody takes their iPhone — ugh, in portrait mode — and walks along and you just see several hundred black people waiting to vote and you’re like, well, clearly, part of this — when they say, like, the whole percentage reporting — well, what if we don’t know how many people have actually voted? And then they kept going, oh, maybe this is really going to pull it out, maybe North Carolina is going to be the one.

Gruber: I think for whatever reason they’re going to show — I think the results will show that the turnout in the middle of all these states where the rural areas, that the turnout was just phenomenal and hasn’t been even in the Obama election years. For whatever reason, Trump turned these people out. I don’t get it, but it’s there.

Mann: I need to dash in a bit. Did you want to tell me about one more thing that you’re excited about this week? I’m very happy to help if I can. That’s the eighth rule, the eighth rule was there are no sixth and seventh rules of Brazilian steakhouse. The ninth rule is you help a buddy with a read. Obrigado, obrigado.

Gruber: It’s a new sponsor, brand new company. Well, maybe you’ve heard of them, you’re juiced in.

Mann: Yeah, I am juiced in.

Gruber: Have you ever heard of the company called Squarespace?

Mann: Squarespace, is that with an S?

Gruber: With an S, Squarespace is —

Mann: Are you talking about the single best place to go to have a website, a portfolio, or an online store?

Gruber: Yeah. That’s exactly what it is.

Mann: You know what, yes, I do, I’ve heard of Squarespace, yeah.

Gruber: Well, you’re more juiced in than I am, I’ve never heard of this company.

Mann: I’m a little more juiced in, yeah.

Gruber: I’ve never heard of this company but you can start building your own website today.

Mann: Does it require a credit card?

Gruber: It does not but if you use this code, “talkshow”, now, they don’t have the “the”, it’s just “talkshow”, but you’ll get 10 percent off whatever level you end up signing up at, but you can sign up for free with no credit card.

Mann: Are you telling me you could start literally, literally building your website today with Squarespace by going to squarespace.com, is that what you’re telling me?

Gruber: If you have any notion in your head for, hey, that should be a website, I could make a website that is blank. And it could be, like you said, a portfolio of your work. It could be a store where you sell the... crap that you make. [laughs] Could be a blog, could be a podcast. Could be anything. If you just start by going to squarespace.com, you are almost certainly will have an easier time doing it than if you do it in any other way.

Mann: Is there any benefit at all of signing up for a year?

Gruber: I think you get a free domain?

Mann: You get a free domain name if you sign up for a year.

Gruber: Free domain. Are you looking at my screen? [laughs]

Mann: Yes. Why do you have your home screen like that?

Gruber: If you sign up for a year —

Mann: [in an internet critic voice] “Your Dock’s in the wrong place.”

Gruber: — you can get a free domain name. So literally, they cover everything from registering the domain name to the layout of your site, the fonts, the style. Is it a portfolio site where you’re showing the illustrations you make, is it a store where you’re selling T-shirts, is it a blog — all that stuff, you can set up visually, they have —

Mann: I don’t know, man, what if I’m a developer and I want to get my hands on the actual code, is there any way, do they have any provision for that, probably not, because it’s Squarespace, right? They wouldn’t have a platform for that?

Gruber: You would think that they wouldn’t, you would think it’s all just — you’ve got to click, click, click, but the truth is, Merlin, this is amazing, if you want to get in there and you want to write your own JavaScript code and put it in there, you can do it.

Mann: Right on the website, you can do that?

Gruber: Right on the website. You can just get in there and insert your own code.

Mann: But the thing is, with all these sites, if I run into any kind of trouble, I’m on my own, is that correct? Let’s say I run into some kind of trouble, maybe I get confused, maybe I follow the wrong tutorial from John Siracusa’s CPAN, and I do my backpack slashes the wrong way, is there anybody that can help me? What if you got a, what do they call it, a greedy enumerator, what if there’s something that’s accidentally eating your JavaScript, is there anybody that you can call?

Gruber: I would like to say that you are correct because you’re on this show and I don’t want to embarrass you, I would like to say yes, you’ve got to fix it yourself. The truth is though, they actually have 24 hour a day, real-time support.

Mann: Oh my god.

Gruber: You just call them up —

Mann: You can text them.

Gruber: Yeah. But they’ve got people, they’ve positioned them around the world, literally, if you think that I’m making this up —

Mann: What if I want to talk to somebody in Portland, is that anything they can help me with?

Gruber: Yeah, they’re in Portland, they’re in Ireland. They’ve positioned these people strategically around the world, so that when you need tech support, if you need tech support, you can get somebody on the horn —

Mann: It’s like the Doctor Strange portals! They’re protecting the globe with these three equidistant points and they put an entire web of support over the Earth and that keeps us away from Dormammu.

Gruber: Exactly.

Mann: That’s amazing. What’s the name of the service again?

Gruber: It’s called Squarespace. I think they’re going places, I think you’re going to hear about them. Keep it in mind, if you have a notion for a website, go to squarespace.com. Remember the code “talkshow”, no “the”, and you’ll get 10 percent off. But honestly, you don’t even need 10 percent off, even if you forget the code, just go there and sign up. It’s a great service.

Mann: And there could be somebody in your life today who needs this site and they don’t know it, but you do. That’s the thing. You do not want to be in the webmaster business, you don’t want to be making it for your pre-school, for your church group. You don’t want to be doing that. Get out of that business where you’ve got to know the SSH login to be able — no! You don’t need to do that anymore. Tell your friends and your family about this site because it’s perfect for somebody in your life.

Gruber: I’m tongue-and-cheek on this whole thing where you are jumping in on this, but that’s actually probably the single best advice about Squarespace is that keep it in mind for people who don’t listen to shows like The Talk Show because exactly, like if your kid’s preschool or the church group or whatever needs a website, guaranteed that is a better idea than you jumping in and saying, oh yeah, I’ll jump in and SSH in and start an index.html website — forget it, just go to Squarespace and cut yourself out of it. Totally true.

Mann: “Cut yourself out of it.” They’ve just got to run with that.

Gruber: Right. It’s totally true though.

Mann: [sighs]

Gruber: What are we going to do? I think we’re going to be okay.

Mann: Yeah, I think we will too. I share your interest and obsession with the whole idea of story. I’m doing a new show with a couple of friends of mine, we were talking last week about that Steve Jobs lost interview that you can see on Netflix. And I was realizing — forgive me if you’re one of the five people who listen to that show, but I’m very interested in the idea of how Apple and Steve Jobs and Pixar are so interested in the idea of story. Story about the company, story as a thing that we create. I was trying to make the case that Apple also, if you accept the notion that story is an abstraction layer, their computers and their devices are stories too. They’re taking out all of the inessential things and telling a great story with the minimal number of components needed to tell this story correctly. So I’ve been thinking a lot about story, and now today I’m thinking more about story because I feel like with our president-elect right now, you described something earlier, well, is this a victory for him? Or is it a victory for the party? Is it a defeat of the opposing party? It’s hard to know right now but the one thing I do feel that I need to learn more about before I try to do anything intelligent or rational, is to understand what stories he told, whether they’re true, whether they’re good, whether they’re accurate, whether they’re kind, whether they’re decent, whether they’re respectful. Whatever stories he’s telling meant a lot to people, and I think different parts of that story meant things to different people, and a lot of the folks in those red states found a way to overlook one to five terrible things about him because there was something about that story that worked for them. And the failure of imagination for me, as I sit here today, is that I don’t think I got that story well enough and I think like everybody else I missed it. I don’t know what’s going to change as a result of that, but I don’t know how I can proceed to do anything intelligently until I understand what I got wrong. I don’t want to point a finger, I don’t want to yell at Jill Stein, I want to first understand how I got it wrong and I think I didn’t get the story right.

Gruber: So I am of the opinion that in the 2000 election, that you can yell at Ralph Nader, that Ralph Nader really fucked that one up and you don’t even want to get my wife — you’ve probably heard her do it because that one is —

Mann: She has a few hot button issues.

Gruber: She has hot button issues and Ralph Nader in 2000 is one of them — is that Ralph Nader really fucked that one up. And I don’t feel like this is that at all. I’m with you, I don’t have any animosity towards the third-party candidates, towards Jill Stein or Joe [Schenectady?], whatever the guy’s name is [Gary Johnson].

Mann: Yeah, the pot guy, Joe [Schenectady?].

Gruber: The guy who doesn’t know where Aleppo is.

Mann: Aleppo is that Brazilian restaurant in Philadelphia.

Gruber: You know what? I think that’s the third —

Mann: That’s the twelfth rule of —

Gruber: Aleppo! If you yell “Aleppo”, you’ll always get a fresh cut of the house sirloin.

Mann: Don’t fill up on Aleppo.

Gruber: This isn’t that at all. It’s very different. And I tweeted it — my id comes out on Twitter. I tweet a lot looser than I blog. Even on this show, I’m looser on Twitter than I am anywhere else. And I tweeted before — I think it was two days ago where the Trump team had suggested that they’re going to appoint Rudy Giuliani as attorney general and —

Mann: You could not put those announcements — and Gingrich — you could not put that in Mad magazine and have it be plausible.

Gruber: And Newt Gingrich as secretary of state. And at this point, maybe that’s going to come to pass, and like you said, sounds like something out of Mad magazine, but honest to god, at least there’s a certain honesty to it. I think it’s preposterous, I don’t agree with it, I think it’s terrible, but at least they’re saying, this is how bad it’s going to be. I say “bad”, but this is how — you know.

Mann: Different.

Gruber: How different it’s going to be.

Mann: I think we can fairly say, things are going to be a little different for a while.

Gruber: [laughs] Yes, I think that’s exactly —

Mann: Did you see that video of Obama highfiving a little kid dressed like Superman?

Gruber: Yeah.

Mann: And then he fell down, Superman highfived him and he fell back. Like the force of that 5-year-old kid knocked him over. I don’t think you’re going to get so much of that anymore.

Gruber: Yeah, not so much.

Mann: I’m going to really, really miss that guy. Sorry, I cut you off there.

Gruber: No, I don’t know where I was going.

Mann: You’re going to edit this and put it out, this is going to help a lot of people.

Gruber: That’s exactly what I want.

Mann: I think you are probably one of the premier Brazilian steak podcasts that’s available today. I don’t know all of them, the thing is we can’t scoop up everybody, that’s the thing. We’re going to leave some people out of the Brazilian meat circle.

Gruber: Have you ever had the fried banana at a Brazilian steakhouse?

Mann: Shit, dawg! Hell yeah.

Gruber: [laughs] And here’s what I thought the first time I went, I was like, well, I’m not eating a fried banana, that sounds disgusting.

Mann: That’s how they get you. That’s how they get you.

Gruber: And that’s how they get it.

Mann: It’s pretty damn good.

Gruber: It’s really good, and next thing you know, you’re asking your guy, the guy thinks you’re asking for more of the top sirloin or the bottom sirloin, they’ve got like 13 different cuts of steak, and the guy thinks you’re going to ask for that, and you’re like, no, bring us another fried banana.

Mann: They should serve it on the sword though. That would make it more fun.

Gruber: They should.

Mann: Banana sword.

Gruber: I think the problem is it’s going to fall right off the sword, it’s going to cut right through it.

Mann: I agree. Do you get the little tongs on the table when you go? I love the little tongs.

Gruber: Oh, always. You’ve got to get the tongs.

Mann: Well, you get to participate a little bit. I don’t think they have to do that, but I like the fact that they cut most of it off, then they give you this look, they go, huh? And you grab your little tongs and you help with the rest of the way.

Gruber: They cut it about 80 percent of the way and then you take your tongs, and then they cut the rest of the way and you take your little slab of meat.

Mann: Mm. Now I want more Brazilian steak.

Gruber: I think that’s what America needs. America needs a Brazilian steak.

Mann: That’s a really good way — stronger together. I think it’s something we could all use. Do you feel like you’re going to be okay? I mean, after the holiday party is over. I know it’s probably too early to feel anything too coherently, but anything you’re thinking about going forward?

Gruber: All I keep thinking is — I am obsessed. I’ve taken this very hard. I am politically very fascinated — I’ve said this before, but when I first started thinking, I should start writing a blog, I had this name “Daring Fireball” in my pocket, and I thought, should I write about Apple and tech stuff or should I write about politics. And it was like a 50/50 call for me in 2002.

Mann: Wow. Wow.

Gruber: It really was, I really am that invested in this stuff.

Mann: Or maybe sports, did you ever consider sports?

Gruber: Sports is always up there.

Mann: I’m not being facetious, did it cross your mind?

Gruber: I’m totally serious, it did but not as much because I didn’t feel like it was as underserved. I felt like politics and tech were underserved by smart commentary.

Mann: Well, we both got lucky — obviously you’re way more successful than I was at this — but we had good timing on figuring out pie slice of a pie slice. Who would ever think somebody would want something about Mac productivity, like, most people don’t want a Mac site. Most people don’t want a productivity site. Who would want a Mac productivity site? That’s bananas. And in your case, there were not that many people out there doing what you were doing. But sports, a little more.

Gruber: Totally true. But I would tell you, previous elections, again, I’m glad that Barack Obama won the last two, I was despondent in 2000 and 2004 when George W. Bush won, but this one, I don’t just feel like my side lost, I feel a guilt. I feel like... You and I are almost identically aged, straight white men with wives and a kid, and our kids are both what, roughly 10 years old, my kid’s a little older, yours is a little younger — we’re almost the same guy. We really are. And we make our living on the internet, and we’ve got it good. Right? I mean, there’s no denying it. You and I have it really good. And I really do feel that at a basic level I almost, it’s not even my right to feel bad about this one because it’s my people who blew it.

Mann: That’s true but there’s another part of this, part of what eats at me is that I have seen — and I agree with you, who needs two white guys talking about anything, except I’m a white guy who’s really pulling it for a lot of stuff to change. Like, regardless of whatever apple sauce my dick is in, there’s some stuff that means a lot to me. And as I have had small and sometimes private little bits of evolution in how I think about the world, I got a little myopic in thinking that other people saw the same thing and that they could be thrilled and buoyed to see people who never had a chance to be normal American citizens before, get to do things in the last five years nobody could’ve expected. I mean, who saw the gay marriage thing coming along the way it did? Well, some people did, and then it happened. And how can you look at that and see anything but joy that two people just got to be the person they wanted to be. America is where you get to be the person that you want to be. And that’s the hard part. But even, or especially as a white guy, because no, I don’t have the same — I’m certainly, I’m extremely privileged in so many ways, I get to go where I want to go and all that kind of stuff, but my little miniature journey into understanding these little parts of America better and getting to see those people have these exalted moments of victory after years of being told that they aren’t an actual human being, to see so much of that progress in the last five years and now see that in jeopardy hurts my heart in a way that’s difficult for me to communicate.

Gruber: I feel exactly the same way. I can’t say it better, this is why I’m glad you’re on the show with me today, and I really hope that whatever side of the election people who are listening to this are on, that they can hear us and sympathize. I mean that. And in a way, for example, I think my wife — I don’t think she listens to the show —

Mann: No, she doesn’t. Uh-uh.

Gruber: I think she’d be furious if she heard me saying that I’m — “whichever side of the election you’re on” because she thinks people who voted the other way are shitbags. And she’s not wrong. [laughs]

Mann: No, she’s not wrong. Here’s something I got schooled hard on by friend of the show John Siracusa, and we were talking about things having to do with the way that women get treated by everybody. And I found myself saying this thing that I don’t say anymore. This was like less than a year ago, but I found myself saying, “Don’t these people, these Gamergate guys, don’t they realize that they’re talking to somebody’s sister or they’re talking to somebody’s daughter?” And John, I think, very intelligently said, “Hey, is that really, is that the hill that you want to die on? Are you sure you want to put the importance of their humanity and rights in terms of how they relate to you?” And I thought about it, for months and months and months, and then I saw it happening a lot after the pussy grabbing and I thought about it a lot, and now I think you have to want these things for people because they’re people, not because they’re people that you’ve decided are particularly empathetic based on your own feelings and needs. And that’s where I think — I do feel comfortable as a white guy saying that this is a shitshow because I’ve gotten to see those victories, I see it in my kid’s class, the girl in my kid’s class wears a hidjab, you see it, it is real. This is not an abstract thing about a wall, this is about actual human beings who worked extremely hard to make what they can here and to see that potentially taken away in such a massive way, if that doesn’t move you, you’re not wired right.

Gruber: I saw a thing just yesterday, somebody posted on Twitter — I mean, there’s a thousand of them, maybe there’s a thousand different pictures of the same thing, but somebody posted yesterday a picture of a white guy, maybe somewhere around 27 years old. White guy at a Trump rally the day before the election and he was wearing a shirt that said “Hillary is a bitch #Trump”. So, black letters, “Hillary is a bitch” and then the hashtag, it was in red, “#Trump”. The observation was, can you even imagine how much worse is the misogyny that allows somebody to go out in public with the shirt like that, because what would be the equivalent shirt against Obama? Nobody would go out wearing a shirt with the N-word on it, right? Or — I say nobody, but — maybe in a country of 300 million there’s one guy who would do it, but. This wasn’t that abnormal.

Mann: But you wouldn’t have 46 percent of the population thinking it’s okay.

Gruber: Right, exactly, there is something very different.

Mann: There’s no cultural prohibition against that that’s pushing back to make him go “maybe this isn’t such a good idea”.

Gruber: And it makes me feel personally — even before the — and again, this was like 48 hours ago, this was before the results, but that one tweet and the guy wearing that shirt that said that, it just emphasizes how I feel this whole time, I feel like I need to step backwards and let other people tell me what is going on rather than observe myself. Do you know what I mean?

Mann: I do, you have to shut the fuck up at the times when somebody is telling you something you need to hear and then increasingly I’m coming around to the idea of how important it is to speak up when somebody’s doing the opposite.

Gruber: Exactly. The only time I feel the need to speak up is to you observe — like for example, to say it is to me literally, I’m not exaggerating, unacceptable to wear a shirt that says “Hillary is a bitch”. It’s completely unacceptable. To me it’s as unacceptable as saying “Obama is the N-word”. It’s equivalent. Yet we are not there as a society. So I’m willing to stand up and say that, but in terms of how we got these election result — I just feel like, I don’t know.

Mann: I don’t know either.

Gruber: I’ll tell you what, the other thing too, and I think we’re in the same boat here with, like I said, with two kids who at this point, like when we first had our kids, it felt like they were so far apart in age, right?

Mann: Oh, I know, I know. We were just playing with that — last night Ellie was pulling out some of her stuffies because she was feeling pretty ragged, and she found that little bird Jonas gave her in New Zealand. They were like babies, a little baby and a big baby.

Gruber: But at this point it feels like they are both “about 10 years old”. And that’s a loose approximation. I have to say, honest to god, and we haven’t indoctrinated Jonas with politics, we don’t make him talk about it, we don’t make him think about it. He just absorbs what he picks up. I have to say, he is devastated. He is absolutely devastated. And the kids, again, maybe it’s because we’re in the city and it’s an urban environment, but the kids today are so open-minded.

Mann: Oh, it’s unbelievably different. My daughter does not need to be schooled that it’s okay for gay people to be together. I mean, it’s everywhere, it’s the teachers at her school, that’s where we live, this is life, these are our friends. And it’d be like saying to her, you shouldn’t punch people in the face just because they’re wearing a blue shirt. She’d be like, yeah, yeah, of course not, why did you need to tell me that? “Just so you know, it’s okay if gay people are together.”

Gruber: I’ve said this before and I think you listen to my shows so maybe you’ve heard it but — I think it’s the most amazing thing. Jonas’s school has a club and it’s called GLOW, G-L-O-W, and it stands for “Gay, Lesbian, or Whatever”. And to me, it is the greatest — it’s so much better than LGBT and then they keep — you know, there’s Q and —

Mann: QIA.

Gruber: QI... “Gay, Lesbian, or Whatever” is to me —

Mann: Oh, that’s the actual name?

Gruber: It’s literally the name!

Mann: [laughs]

Gruber: It’s officially the name. I’m not making it up, it is so great.

Mann: And it’s actually weirdly efficient.

Gruber: But he doesn’t think it’s funny or clever at all. But it actually is what everybody of his generation seems to think is like, oh, yeah, whatever you’re into, you’re into, cool. It’s all right.

Mann: Why would that matter to me. It’s like me worrying about you having a green car.

Gruber: But this election result is such a repudiation of that “or whatever” part, right? And the kids get it, there’s no denying it, it’s not just like the video of the Latino girl saying to Hillary Clinton, “I’m worried that my parents are going to be deported”, and Hillary says, “Come here, I’m going to do whatever I can.” It’s all kids. It doesn’t matter what their background is. All kids see it, and I don’t know what to do. It’s the most loss I’ve ever felt as a parent.

Mann: Yeah, I agree with you. It’s so early. I think at a time when you’re not sure what’s going on and you’re feeling at sea, I think the advice to not panic is a good one. It’s hard not to, but I think on some level you’ve kind of got to just feel your way through and know we’ve gotten through a lot of stuff. And we’ll go through a lot of stuff in the future. I don’t have anything inspirational to say here, except that you’ve got to keep your cool, keep doing the right thing and try not to be unkind. Like right now, there’s a lot of people going after each other, and feels like there’s the beginnings of the vibe of fingerpointing and there’s a big vibe — and you know, if that’s your thing, hakuna matata, but if I had one thing to ask, let’s go easy on that for a while. And let’s go easy on tearing each other apart or tearing other people apart and let’s maybe just a have at least a couple-three days where we don’t tell people that they’re feeling wrong incorrectly or they’re feeling bad wrongly. Let people have a time to grieve for whatever it is they’re grieving for, even if you don’t think they deserve it.

Gruber: That’s exactly how I feel. And I don’t want to point any fingers, I really don’t. I just want to say, keep pushing in the right direction. It’s so hard because as mechanical devices, human beings are meant to see everything day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment, but the truth is, in the long term what matters is on the years and decades perspective. And just keep pushing in the right direction and it’ll work out, even though this is clearly a setback. But I really do think that it’s not right, counterproductive to start pointing fingers.

Mann: Well, let’s check back in after a while. I’ve got to go pick up my kid and start my holiday party. I have a holiday party, did you get the invitation?

Gruber: [laughs] I’m going to be joining you.

Mann: [rings a bell, laughs]

Gruber: Merlin Mann, where else can people listen to you? You are, in my opinion, probably the single greatest podcaster on the internet.

Mann: Oh, you’re always, you’re always saying that.

Gruber: But I actually mean that.

Mann: Oh, thank you.

Gruber: You have, like, a bizarre gift for being really good on a podcast.

Mann: “Bizarre gift,” declares John Gruber. I don’t know, I don’t fucking know at this point. I don’t have a very good branding. Just go to @hotdogsladies if you want to see me on Twitter. I’m feeling kind of quiet right now. [laughs]

Gruber: Go to @hotdogsladies on Twitter.

Mann: You know what they should do, they should listen to the show I do with John Siracusa. I do a show with John Siracusa called Reconcilable Differences.

Gruber: Never heard of the guy.

Mann: Never heard of it, it’s at relay.fm/rd.

Gruber: Yeah, but who is this guy John Siracusa?

Mann: I don’t know, I think he might be an Italian.

Gruber: [laughs]

Mann: I don’t know if he’s here legally. We’re going to build a biiig, beautiful wall with Napoli, and we’re going to make the Italians pay for it. “Eh, that’s a spicy meatball!”

#John Gruber #Merlin Mann

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