#finally posting it now because i feel like I've actually made progress on this mentally

[the-one-who-rises]

Sometimes the way to deal with annoying fandom opinions and tropes is to make yourself say, no, that's stupid, you guys are dumb. Not me tho, i am so smart and right

#something I didn't even realize i was doing was just respecting other peoples dumb opinions too much #like I'm morally obligated to give them a fair hearing #no #i am smart and i can think for myself and reject bad data points from my mind #begone weird opinions #i am a grown woman and i don't need anyone to tell me how to think #originally wrote this on September 8th #finally posting it now because i feel like I've actually made progress on this mentally

[thatruerealmwalker]

Crawls out of a hole in your wall

GET MAGICAL GIRL'ED MOTHER FUCKER!

"Despite it all, This Empty Shell still Remains." -Pre Acceptance Quote

"Within this Hollow Heart, Love Still Remains!" -Post Acceptance Quote

This is Claire Taker, a new OC I've made! And let me tell you- the origins of the OC is fucking weird.

This tainwreck of a Lady came about because I was reading @zoeywinterrose's smiling critter fanfic on A03 (which you can check out HERE), started letting THE VOICES speak through me, eventually pulled out the original story I have and made the Caretaker seen there into a fully realized character in my story (get it? Claire Taker?), told them so, found each other on tumblr, because friends(?), and they maybe sort of said yes when I said I was gonna draw the character and make and AU of their AU (in some order there, the progression of events may be off a bit)... I DON'T KNOW HOW I GOT TO THIS POINT.

So yeah, I'm gonna be both explaining this character, my own story, and having all that be loosely connected to Poppy Playtime (Again how did I get here?) So the tags are gonna be silly because of that.

Claire Taker is, as said before, a Magical Girl by the name of Heart Hollow (well Technically Magical Woman, she is pretty old but I prefer saying magical girl)... well the term for in my Canon is a "Blessed" or "Actor"... but those are the official terms, she and the others still use Magical Girl and Magical Boy (because that IS what they are)

And yes! There are both Magical Boys and Girls in this World!

Claire Fights with her Fists and Legs, being a close range brawler, as well as fights with her threads. She uses them in a variety of ways, from creating points to jump, pulling things to her or pulling herself to them, wrapping up targets, or even sometimes using them a whips.

Her Threads are also capable of Stitching people back together and healing them! Apparently the world thinks this means she should be one of the few to get constantly injured, needing to reattach her limbs in the middle of fights sometimes! (or it could be seen as caused by her low self worth as well). I mean look at all of those scars! And those are just the ones she couldn't fully heal for different reasons, she gets hurt alot! ("Better then letting one the kids take the hit" she would say)

Her mental health isn't the best, but it gets really bad when she is alone- Luckily, she's gained the trust of the Parents of the three kid members of Her group to look after them while their at work- as well as fostering the teens when they need somewhere private to hand out. (Her home is like one of 2 unofficial team bases)

At this point, almost everyone who isn't an adult (and two who are like 18-19) calls her Auntie- which she is still getting used too.

After finally getting into a far more okay mindset, she takes to jogging and exercise in her free time. She even helps the younger of the team practice fighting forms and working out when they train at all.

She actually owns a good few properties thanks to her parents- and after her depression weakened she put them up for rent. After a while (and learning how to duplicate cash with Starlight from the group's resident self appointed "Chaotic Gremlin") she was able to start getting a good amount of cash saved up for when the group needs a break or wants to go somewhere fun- (The cost is usually split between her and the other full Adult in the group most of the time).

She still has episodes where her is very not okay (like panic attacks or just bad thoughts)- but it never gets to the point where she feels like hurting herself at all anymore. It helps that one of the kids, the team's unofficial mascot, lets himself be her comfort animal when she has these episodes (and while he hates to admit it, he does enjoy her hugs)

That's all for now! If your interest in more of this original story, let me know!.. Though it probably won't be tagged under Smiling critters next... unless I make William apart of this then it will!

A full view of her plot is down below if your interested in that as well- Anyways thanks for reading this and maybe what lies below, and I hoped this sparked your interest/was a fun read all the same! I think I got an AU to write now!

Claire Taker's Story:

(Content Warning! This gets a bit dark!)

Claire Taker used to be a Person of Joy, living life as Happy as any other- even had Children she cherished most dearly... however one day- in a series of events, Claire loses her kids, be it an Accident or something far worse. Believing herself to be solely at fault, she shut down, remaining within her home and rarely leaving. At first those closest to them attempt to help, as it does, even if She rarely talked or interacted. Just being with others helped to keep her afloat...

But she was abandoned- left alone... and that is what sealed her fate. For a long time- years, close to Ten even, she drowned. She lost her smile, her kindness, her emotions, her Love. She tried, and try she did to get better... but she still drowned all the same.

She made many half attempts on her life- and the one time she fully went through with it- she only lived because she forgot to turn off the Safety on the Gun. This attempt was on the day, when she was so close to pulling herself back together that she was reminded of her kids- undoing all the work she did to get better at a single moment (one the prolonged her deep depression for a few more years-)

Eventually, upon one better day Claire spent shopping with a local mall for much needed supplies for her bare home, a Star fell from the Sky and landed nearby. From it formed a Matrix, and Starlight Leaked into the world. The pure, unfiltered and uncontrolled Starlight, the Blood of Creation, tainted the area in its presence, and Claire. The Building Creaked and Groaned as Starlight lashed into the populace surrounding. Many ran as the structure began to collapse around them...

And Yet Claire stepped forward, Drawn in by the Star.

Even while her body warped, as fur sprouted from her skin and monstrous claws ripped out from between her fingers. As her bones cracked and shattered before being reformed. As the demented whispers that long accompanied her gained form, breaking out from Claire's back and ripping into her flesh-

She reached the center, Where the Fallen Star has landed and with her last bit of strength before she became tainted under Starlight, reached out and touched the Glowing Star within the Epicenter-

And Starlight gathered and condensed, leaving her body, the surrounding air, and returning herself from the Monstrous form it was trying to become- And within her hands laid her Matrix, a Softly glowing heart floating between her palms.

A Stranger came to her one day, and promised her he would grant her most wanted wish "To return your children to you" in exchange for gathering as much Starlight she could.

She, like many other Actors, believed his word, and walked forward with a long lost flame in her eyes, ready to do Anything to get her children back.

Even after learning there was others like her (most of them teenagers or young adults), even after learning that many of the monsters she is fighting against and killed to gather Starlight (the Tainted or Cursed) were once people, even after she learned that should she actually get her wish- she would have to kill the other Blessed and steal their Starlight- She continued on.

It was only when the Three Children amongst the Blessed stood against her to protect their older peers then she questioned if what she was doing was worth it- if ignoring the signs that something was wrong was worth it- if her once beloved children would accept being brought back through the blood of others- if she could really kill these three if it was required of her.

It was from there, after giving up and fleeing that she changed from an antagonist to a protector akin to Tuxedo Mask for the Blessed- more so the Three kids that fought in this battle than the other Blessed.

It was here that Claire was taught how to tell if a Cursed was made from a person, animal, or object/fully made from Starlight as well as how to defeat the Tainted without killing the Person or Creature within. She learned that gathering Starlight is unneeded, and should she continue to gather Starlight like she has- she would only overwhelm her Matrix and become a Cursed herself. She learned how to truly use Starlight, how to prevent herself from Tainting someone on accident, and how to dispose of unneeded Starlight safely.

She was slowly pulled into the Group, being one of the Few Actors to listen and stop the senseless fighting between them. Even when she fell and broke, these Bright Souls dragged Claire along, taking her on their group adventures away from the Magic within their lives. Exploring the town, eating at an Café, enjoying the park. Slowly but surely, she became apart of this group, of the team who fought against the darkness that surrounded them.

The rest of the Blessed, especially the younger of them, started to call Claire 'Auntie'.

However, there was one final truth all of them avoided telling Claire, the final Lie told to Claire about the situation, even if in the depths of her heart she knew the answer herself yet feared to speak it aloud in vain hope for it not to be true.

That there was no Wish- That it was the ploy of The Man who Thought Himself God to either gather followers and resources or spark war between those who could threaten his goals and attempt to turn them into monsters- a Truth that they all knew could break Claire, steal her reason for continuing to live, to stand up tall.

They were going to, right after they handled this newest Tainted... but The Man who Thought Himself God appeared near the battles end... and with a smile, knowing Claire's history of mental health, and the reasons for it, held her by the throat while floating in the air, while Claire thrashed and fought with all of her might, while her allies called out in fear and rushed to save her, whispered in her Ear- "I lied~ There is no Wish, no reversing your most heinous Sin. Your children will never come back- for you killed them. They are gone and you killed them."

Claire SHATTERED then and there. Once again all of the work she put into getting better, doing better shattered- and as The Man who Thought Himself God threw her from high above towards the ground- Starlight, once Shining, became fully black- And the Blessed became Cursed under the weight of Despair-

Mother Gospel: The Harbinger of Mourning was born- as so her fellow Blessed fought, and after a long an almost lethal fight, where the extent of Claire's grief and broken heart was bared to the world, the ones who claimed her as their own, with all they had, ripped Claire out of her Depression made Manifest, and saved her from her fate.

Amongst the broken building, Claire laid as her Heart, once healing, was now torn apart once more as she cried tears of sorrow... and then she was hugged by the most youngest of them... then the other children joined in, all crying and making sure their Auntie was okay. The older kids of the Group joined in as well, despite two having to be dragged within. And even the young adults sat nearby and showed their love for Claire-

And that was what it was- Claire was LOVED, and she could Love in return. She was not Alone anymore, and so the dam burst within her and she cried and screamed and hugged back as sadness and joy danced within her. Her Hollow Heart had become not so Hollow anymore.

It took time, but somewhat soon Claire stood, still in mourning of her lost children, still not fully okay, but she could finally move on, she could finally live with those who saved her from that Sea that engulfed her and gave her warmth and belonging.

And so she fought, and even now fights, against those that would bring about the horrors she went through upon to others with the family formed under the Light of the Stars.

#poppy playtime #smiling critters #OC #My OC #Magical Girl #We who are Blessed under Starlight #Original work #Again the tags are weird here #I'm very happy with how this came out #And happy I get to share this as well! #Maybe William would look good- fuck I've already done it haven't I #He's an Orphan! #I have! I've already technically made apart of this already #AHHHHHHHHHHHH-

[readyfreddy]

Ok a question: is the bad grade because you're missing so many assignments that the 0s are stacking up, or is it because of a series of poor grades?

Because for the first one, ask for an incomplete and give them a TIMELINE on which you will complete the work over eg summer (like 1 assignment a week or sth, nothing super intense just to prove that you're actually going to do it) and maybe also offer to meet with them regularly/send them email updates regularly while you're working on their work (again to prove you won't ghost them and will actually finish the class).

The second one, you could try to ask them to bend the syllabus for you. Definitely tell them how much they mean to you as a prof and how much you like their class, but also just express the difficulty you've been having honestly (tbh just like the first two lines in quotes in your post) and maybe see if they will let you maybe do something to your grade advantage, like take a final essay grade or final exam grade in place of your average if it's higher.

I don't know what your relationship with them is or your other needs, but you could also ask to retake the class with lower demand (like attending lectures you feel you need to and not the ones you don't need over again) or ask for maybe an independent study class to help with their research or something to help raise your overall GPA if the course grade doesn't matter as much in the grand scheme.

Sorry for the rambling in your inbox 😅 I live surrounded by academics so it's kind of the stuff I hear about all the time and this seemed less wierd then DMing idk? Uh I hope this helps and isn't like intensely overstepping 😅

All good and I genuinely appreciate your imput <3 Inbox or DM work equally as well for me :)

I've handed everything in on time but have a series of 50's and below :( , and I don't really have a relationship with him beyond discussion my academic accommodations. I'm aiming for pharmacy school, but at that becomes less of a reality every single day (or at least what it feels like). I have other options that I'd be happy with, but as of right now, pharmacy school is a big goal of mine.

I ended up sending him an email, that he'll likely see Monday morning, my email (w/o identifying features) is below the cut:

I have enjoyed your class thoroughly and have learnt a lot. Despite what it looks like on paper, I am trying my best and working hard to succeed in this course. 

This term has been incredibly difficult for me as I have been balancing two jobs,  handful of extracurriculars, as well as dealing with an out of province parent who is becoming increasingly disabled as time progresses and doing extensive research regarding their condition. It is hard to ignore that there is a lot going on in my life and I am trying to keep a lot of different areas of my life in control, even if those matters are completely beyond my control. 

As a result, this has taken a major toll on my mental health. What I was once able to successfully manage has now become near debilitating. I have used some of the on-campus resources, and they have made a noticeable difference. One of my lab instructors has already expressed concern regarding my mental health and have taken some small actions to help me.

I’ve been able to go to all your classes; however, I have found it hard to focus and retain information, even if I am taking notes and engaging in classroom discussion. 

I know that it is very late in the term, and there is very little that can be done while still maintaining fairness to all students. If there is anything that can be done, please let me know at your earliest convenience. Unfortunately, I will not be able to attend your office hours this upcoming Monday,  I am aiming to be there around 9:30 on Wednesday. If these times do not work for you, please let me know and we can discuss a time that works best for both of us.

#asks #thank you so much <3 #academia #sigh... it's been a year and we're about a quarter through it #I hate pulling out the personal shit and mental health card but it's acceptable in this case

[she-who-the-river-could-not-hold]

WIP Thoughts + Updates

I did some serious cocooning, mental health care work in January (obviously still going on but that was my main focus last month) so I've been finally emerging out of all of that. I've also been writing more (!!) but I also feel like I've made zero progress on things? Which isn't actually true. So this post is a catch-up post in general, plus just a personal reminder to myself to relax and step back to look at what I've been working on!

Bellarke, Rock & Religion + Florida Gothic AU (New WIP, multi-chapter)

The first chapter might almost be done?? Which feels wild to type out but it really might be. I do think this is a story that would benefit from me writing ahead at least a little bit as I go though. The moodboard I shared earlier for the planning remains the same! I will make sure to go back and inject some more moodiness into it, right now the characters are running amok on their own to get their personalities fleshed out and I don't want to interrupt that. So we'll see how far I can get with it but I'm digging it so far!

Hellcheer, Kas!Eddie + Haunting AU (New WIP, ideally a oneshot)

This little thing started out as a song-inspired AU and is quickly spiraling out of control lol. But I'm determined to ride it out, let it be completely indulgent. It's going to have alive!Chrissy and demon/Kas!Eddie, which is a trope I've never really looked at before but it feels right for this. It's going to have some body horror and like, fucked up guardian angel vibes. I'm really loving it, but it's turning out definitely weird and experimental so we'll see how it goes. The important thing is I'm obsessed with it!

Drabble/Collection Updates (Six of Crows Whump Collection + t100 Crackling Fires Collection)

SoC Whump AUs: I've started writing four more of them, with five concepts being prepped. I really enjoy whump but it's definitely had to get into the mood for it at times. Slowly but surely! Crackling Fires: I have four prompts started, at least in outline form! But I'm definitely having to practice reining myself in and not making them too elaborate. I think I need to go back and tweak some of them to be more "scene" focused, rather than "story focused" (can you tell I only ever write long things?)

I've also recently posted a new WIP to my 🌶️ account, so obviously not really getting into that here. But that second chapter is in the works! And I honestly need to just acknowledge it here because it does count as writing, even if it's not something I talk about over here. My time loop AU is paused though, I'm not sure if I like it anymore so it needs to ruminate some I think.

Excited to keep chipping away at these, plus I think I'll be ready soon to get back to some old WIPs as well! I think probably starting with either the dystopian mythology AU or the medieval fantasy one.

#kathryn chats #kathryn writes

[bipolarwitchcraft]

balancing spirituality with bipolar (and other mental illness)

a bit about me, @bipolarwitchcraft! i'm 22 years old, i've been diagnosed with bipolar 1, and been practicing my craft for a almost 2 years. i wanted to make this post as a fellow bipolar witch, because this is not something i see talked about in mainstream sources. i hope this can post can help other bipolar and mentally ill beginner witches start to balance their journeys. i also want to say thank you so much to those who shared their stories with me to help make this post happen! you have helped more than you will ever know! 

thank you to @gwynfrew @picturesimlivinthru @caninevampire @hawthorndruid and @thenorserose for taking the time to take my survey and share your stories with me. your answers were all truly beautiful, and you are all beautiful souls. 

how can spirituality help your healing journey?

i want to first talk about spirituality as a tool to help you along your healing journey. spirituality, no matter what you believe in has been a proven tool to help healing. if you've ever been to some sort of therapy, you know how they preach mind body and soul alignment for healing. spirituality can help the soul heal and grow, and help you make sense of the world around you. many mentally ill witches claimed that since starting their craft, their life has completely changed. spirituality gave them a new outlook on life and has positively impacted their lives and healing journeys. spirituality can be a helpful tool in one's healing tool box. however, it can be a catalyst of triggers for some. spirituality should never be used at a replacement for actual medical help. take your meds and go to therapy, and then turn to spirituality.

personally, my spiritual journey kick started my healing journey. my healing journey has made SIGNIFICANT progress since incorporating my healing with my spirituality. both my journeys started as hectic and confusing, but i'm finally in a place where i am comfortable to share my experiences in hopes it helps others. i feel it is important for fellow mentally ill witches to have resources that cater to them, as well as a community to support them.

distinguishing between sign and symptoms.

so you've started your spiritual journey, now how do you distinguish from what's a sign and what's a symptom. this is a lot easier said than done, and varies incredibly person to person. with the help of some fellow tumblr witches, here are some tips to help you start to distinguish between the two:

the first tip is to make sure you are in the right mindset to do anything spiritual. we all know factors like stress or exhaustion can affect our mental health, but it can also affect our craft. make a rule with yourself to only interpret or to witchy things when you know you're in the right mindset. personally, i don’t do any heavy spiritual work during episodes, because i don't want my interpretations to be biased based off how my episode is making me feel. if you're not in the right mindset for spiritual work, but still want to do something witchy, things like self care a great way to help heal and add some magic in your life.  

another tip that is great advice for any new witch: WRITE IT DOWN. i personally, have a journal and a grimoire. in my journal i do a daily symptom check in with myself and shadow work. it's important to have record and understand what your individual mental illness looks like on you before you can try to explore potential signs. my grimoire is where i write anything related to my spiritual life. any divination interpretation, potential signs and their interpretations, spells/rituals, meanings, ect. go on the grimoire. when you're writing in either journal or grimoire, think about how the sign/symptom makes you feel. what does the energy feel like? what does your intuition say?intuition is one of your greatest tools, but hardest to build confidence in. keep in mind intuition can be wrong. really analyze it. write it down, put it away, and revisit it with a new mindset. once you're more comfortable in your craft, and have a good understanding of your mental illness, things like gut feelings can start to be trusted more. have a gut feeling something is a sign? write it down and analyze it later once the spiritual feeling has passed. if it still feel like a sign, it probably is!

writing down shadow work and doing daily check ins with myself has help me identify my symptoms. knowing your symptoms and knowing how you feel when experiencing them will help you distinguish between them and signs. 

writing down signs and the feeling you associated with it helps you remember them when those signs are confirmed!

meditate on it out. just like writing it down, meditation can help you really analyze an experience. put up your mental and spiritual protections and really examine and think about the potential sign. still struggle with meditation? here’s what helps me meditate as someone who can’t quiet my mind.   

guided meditations are a great tool to help tackle specific meditations. youtube is a great source for free ones! 

put on some meditation music, light some candles, get your space cleansed and protected and find a comfortable place to sit or go on a a walk! 

i used to think meditation meant thinking of nothing and letting knowledge present itself. however, the easiest way to meditate for me is to allow my thoughts to race, but keep them directed at the thing i am meditating on. am i meditating on a potential sign? how does that sign make me feel? whats its energy? is it harmful to believe in?  

 its okay if your mind wanders away from what your mediting on, just realize you let your mind wander and just bring it back. meditation is hard and takes practice! it's all about the energy and how it makes you feel. find a meditation practice that works for you!

still not sure? try rationalizing signs as if they are symptoms. do they make sense as a symptom? does it feel over the top? is it possibly grandiose in nature? are you currently experiencing other symptoms along side it? if you are, it’s worth putting that sign away and coming back to it later. 

even an increase in interest in your spirituality is something worth considering. hyper spirituality often goes along side mania type symptoms. 

remember its okay if it is a symptom! identifying the difference is important to both your healing and spiritual journeys!`

signs will feel energetically different than symptoms. focus on that energy 

remember, even if we are searching, spiritual experiences happen randomly, not because of our behavior. 

no one can tell you for sure if something is a sign, that is up to you to find out. hopefully these tips can help you start distinguishing signs from symptoms. using tools like divination can help confirm these signs if you are still unsure. i prefer yes/no type divination. candle divination, dowsing rods, pendulums, and tarot pulls are divination techniques i use when i know something isn't is symptom, but am still unsure of the sign.  

communicating with deities and spirits.

if you do not work with deities and spirits, that's okay! not every witch works with deities or spirits, and it is certainly not a requirement to practice witchcraft. everyone has a different story on how they started deity/spirit work, and if you have just started your work you might be wondering how to communicate with them. remember to go back to is it a sign or symptom if you are unsure how your work is being affected or effecting your mental health. personally, deity and spirit work can play into my mania symptoms, so i approach communication cautiously.

communication varies from person to person, but many witches claim spirits and deities have very distinct energy. they often want to communicate with us for a multitude of reasons, and will make their communication known. most of the time if a spirit or deity is wanting to communicate with you, they will send you signs. learn about the deities that interest you and start asking for signs. these signs will start to have the energy of the deity connected to them. 

my deity journey started with feeling a calling to work with a deity. through divination i was able to figure out who. once i did, they started sending me signs to confirm. 

i often pick random things up as offerings, when i see an item i just know who wants it as an offering based off the energy i feel when i see it.

if you find looking for signs to be triggering, but still feel called to deity or spirit work, you can still welcome their energy without pursuing communication through signs!

dedicate a candle on your altar for them and welcome their energy into your space. allow their messages and energy to take whatever form it needs to take to reach you. 

Divination is a great tool to use with deity and spirit work! use your favorite divination method to reach out or communicate with a deity or spirit 

many witches prefer tarot for communicating. it allows for a certain set of questions and answers. 

tiktok has made communication with deities and spirits seem like you will distinctly “hear” or “see” them when communicating. some people are blessed with this gift, but some of us are not. most of the time we don't actually hear or see deities or spirits. Their communication comes in the form of passing thoughts or gut feelings. 

for example, today i felt called on by persephone to do a healing ritual. if i were on tiktok, i would say, “persephone came into my room and told me to get off my ass and do a healing ritual while cernunnos laughed in the corner.” 

that’s not the case. i just had a feeling i needed to do a healing ritual today, and based off my relationship with persephone and the energy i felt, i knew she was sending me a sign. 

balancing your mental health with your spirituality.

this is something everyone struggles with, and that is okay! at the beginning of your craft, it often feels like spiritual practices need to be a grand thing. this can often feel limiting or like you’re not doing “enough”. almost every witch will tell you they combatted this by incorporating spiritual and magical practices with their everyday life and their healing practices. 

keep things small and realistic! not everything has to be a huge ritual. incorporate spiritual practices into your routine. if you’re struggling to think of ways to do this here's some example of what i do! 

sometimes all i do is light a candle on my altar!

i use herbs to season food and stir in my intent! a little salt and pepper does a lot more than you think! 

water is incredibly cleansing, a quick shower to cleanse away negative energy can greatly improve my mood. 

i incorporate crystal magic and spell jars into everything. they're easy to carry around while i do my day to day and carry so much magic 

i hope these tips have been helpful! just a reminder that these are just tips and opinions, not fact. i am still learning, as we all are! 

#witchcraft #witch #baby witch #witchcore #witchy things #pagan #paganism #pagan witch #paganblr #celtic paganism #green witch #eclectic witch #eclectic pagan #deities #deity work #deity #pagans of tumblr #pagan community #nature witch #bp1 #bp2 #bipolor #bipolar #actually bipolar #bipolar witch #mentally ill witch

[2291991]

intro post. you might want to look at this before looking at my other stuff

Hi everyone. I'm an Italian hs student,and my main reason for creating this blog is that I fucking despise myself at most times and I want to change that by creating better habits. If you don't want to read the next paragraph the TLDR is that I've finally grown so sick of myself as a person and I want to try to change. I'll try to post daily updates of my progress from now on. Don't follow if you don't want to see some self loathing at times. Also, this is a sideblog, so if you want to be mutuals just know that I follow/like/comment from @catullus8 . The next two paragraphs are really just a rant so you don't have to read them.

Some basic backstory: Until 2022,I've always been a good student. I did well in my first two years of highschool,though my mental health started declining pretty badly during the second one. This year,the third one,was slightly better in general terms,but my academic life turned to shit. And I know that for some people school isn't that important,and in a sense it wasn't that important for me either until I started failing classes. I went from being considered a good,passionate student,to barely passing classes that I used to excel in and even failing one. Which isn't a tragedy itself, I don't risk to lose a year or anything. What makes me sad is that I used to really like the class. And I also realized that things just got wayyyy harder,not just for me but for everyone. A year ago I was able to get good grades by pulling all nighters the day before, while now it's a miracle if this system even grants me a passing grade (it usually doesn't). I realized that this is not a skill at all. The skill I should be searching for is being able to sit down for a few hours and fucking study. I'm realizing that I've almost never done that and that's the reason of my failure.

My attention span is completely fucked up. My screen time usually ranges from 6 to 9 hours and it makes me want to bury myself into a hole. I am a slave of useless content that I don't even care for. Even the fact that I felt the need to create a sideblog to talk about these things is a proof of how addicted I am to the internet. I want to change because I'm genuinely tired of this lifestyle. There was a time when I could get away with endless procrastination and even somehow romanticized my insane all nighters (sometimes I had friends who participated and it was really fun), I romanticized knowing that I could make up for weeks of studying in a night. It made me feel powerful,and maybe somewhat superior to those kids who got the highest grades but studied their asses off for hours everyday. Now I realize that those kids are way better than me. Because no amount of midnight motivation to push through an exam is enough in the end (I'm writing this post at 00:38 am lmao). I don't even enjoy the things I procrastinate with. Not even the things I had fun doing. Today I picked up a good ass videogame after not playing it for weeks because I was on vacation and I felt disgusted with myself after a 1 hour session. I used to actually enjoy playing that. As toxic as it may sound,I don't think I will be fully able to enjoy some things again until I fix myself. So,you'll find me writing (hopefully) daily updates about my life. I really hope i find the strength in myself to make it better.

#studyblr #new studyblr #study blog #looking for moots #lf moots #studying #toxic motivation #productivity

[dangerously-human]

Because I'm having feelings about my own WIPs but they are, alas, in progress, and I need to holler about them a bit, here is a list! This is just the Lockwood & Co stuff I'm actively working on at the moment; I've got prompts and other lingering projects for SGA, Fringe, Farscape, Community, and Endeavour that I haven't forgotten about, but for now, L&C has fully taken me captive and I'm not complaining. Mostly I'm posting this because I'm not ready to post any of the fics themselves yet and I wanted an excuse to yammer on about them to myself, but this is certainly an invitation to ask questions or request snippets while I work on these projects, too.

Living With the Ghost of You (ch. 3): Scrivener title "unsteady (drunk lockwood fic)", aka the drunk Lockwood angst fic. I've legitimately made myself cry multiple times with this one; everything about the time between The Hollow Boy and The Creeping Shadow hurts. Next and final chapter is Holly POV, and continuing to stretch my ability to bridge plot points without infodumping. This fic has had me digging deep to wrap my head around canon, which is awesome, because I had no idea just how much I was missing on first read-through (especially taking Lucy's impressions at face value). I'm also considering a happier post-canon companion fic with Lucy and George teasing Lockwood for being a total lightweight at a DEPRAC party or something...

Not Even a Doorknob Between You: Scrivener title "jessica necklace," aka the conversations with Jessica fic. Started out as me pondering how I would go about filling a suggestion I saw on here for a 5+1 fic of the skull overhearing Lockwood talking about Lucy, and I was like, okay, but when would Lockwood actually admit anything out loud to himself for the skull to even overhear? (I do still love that prompt, I'm just probably not the right person to tackle it. I love reading Skull snark yet have no skills for it myself.) Then I thought, "Oh, I bet Lockwood told Jessica he was going to give her necklace to Lucy, and was all, 'Listen, I do remember all those times you yelled at me not to touch your stuff, but this is different,' and it's like he's asking her for forgiveness and permission to move on piece by piece." And then I had feelings again about that "In the House With No Doors" poem as being the exact vibe after Lockwood first invites George and Lucy into Jessica's bedroom, and I wanted so badly to use that as a title that this tiny oneshot spiraled into a 5+1 fic instead, and I made myself cry with it a couple times but I've also made myself giggle a bit and I think it really encompasses a surprising range of emotions + The Sibling Experience.

Woke Up in a Safe House Singing: Scrivener title "locklyle library," aka the couch cuddles fic. Title is not set in stone yet, and I know that's an overused lyric title, but come on, for a fic that is equally about Portland Row itself and a discussion of marriage, what could fit better? This one is pure cotton candy to write, no tears, only squee. It is a return to Lucy's POV (my beloved), it's a little bit silly and a whole lot of sweet, and I love it so much. I wrote this purely because I have no visual art skills and my mental image of Lucy and Lockwood reading on the sofa together and occasionally poking each other with a fuzzy-sock-clad toe had to go somewhere.

#personal #writer probs: fanfic edition #lockwood & co

[kingthunder]

Ever since I was a little kid inhaling books off the sf/f shelves at the local library ten at a time, I wanted to be an author.

I put that desire on hold for decades. Not because I didn't want to do it, but because I was one of those gifted-track ADHD kids who internalized the whole idea of, "if at first you don't succeed, the lesson is never try—then they won't know you're skating through everything by the skin of your teeth and are actually incompetent." It took me until I was in my 30s to undo that mentality. It seems like real kindergarten stuff to realize that if you want to get better at something you have to practice. All I can say in my defense is that my own father used to tell me repeatedly, and very smugly, that only losers who aren't good at stuff have to practice, and that we (him and me) were winners who didn't have to do things like that.

(I also think that he has ADHD, and that he cultivated that own mentality in himself to make himself feel better about also lacking executive function, but if I told him that he would dismiss the thought before I was even done getting it out of my mouth. alas.)

Sometime between my middle school dreams and the crushing weight of the undiagnosed health problems of my 20s, I stopped reading. Books, anyway. I would read fanfiction in spurts. A few months here, a few months there, just when a particular fandom was calling to me. So when I finally got over my own infuriating blend of superiority/inferiority and decided to start practicing writing, it was with fanfiction. It made sense to me. I liked reading it. It gave me the benefit of having pre-made characters and settings, so I didn't have to learn how to create those things and learn the mechanics of storytelling at the same time. Plus, I'd have a readership already. Wins all around.

It went well! I look back at the stuff I wrote when I was first starting, and compare it to now, and the progress is clear (to me, at any rate). I still want to get better, of course, I don't think I'll ever want to stop getting better, but it turns out that practicing works.

My problem now is that...I don't how to move back to published fiction. I just really love writing fanfiction, and I really love reading it, and trying to pivot away from that and into the realm of published stuff sucks, actually. I'm constantly checking books out of the library, reading one, ten, fifty pages, and setting them aside out of boredom or anger. It's almost impossible to find anything that holds my interest enough to finish. It's like the genre of book I want to read only exists as fanfiction.

Meanwhile, I'm bashing my head against a wall trying to make myself start writing original fiction that I could possibly publish. I've managed a little of it. I've taken classes. Applied for some workshops I didn't get into. Won one flash contest and got the dinky little 300 word story published in an anthology. But every word is like pulling teeth. It's agony.

And I'm asking myself why, about all of it. I don't like reading books; what made me think I'd like writing them? Like obviously I'm not having a good time writing them. I'm frustrated to the point of tears constantly when I realize I've gone yet another week with nothing more than brainstorming stories I didn't write a single word of. But I don't want to give up either, because giving up on this means giving up on the one goal I've ever set for myself in my entire life, and it feels too much like giving in to the "you're actually incompetent" brain demon.

Persisting feels like pain, but giving up feels like numbness, and I'd rather hurt.

There's no point to this blog post. This isn't a feel-good essay with a breakthrough or lesson at the end. I have no neat narrative ends to tie up. I'm just screaming into the outer void, because screaming into the inner void hasn't been doing me a crumb of good. Thanks for listening. I'm going to go back to staring at en empty word doc and feeling guilty for not typing anything into it.

#raven.txt #writing #personal

[lightyearssurrogatedaddy]

gotta say, I've done a thingie or two about how Nine Inch Nails is the perfect sound I associate with Error. Starting with Into the Void and Only. Every song I listen to from them I keep going, "Goddamn, this would be THE soundtrack for him."

Here are the thingies I thinged. I actually did a lot of other songs and I figure I'll finally make one giant post about it

long, just a heads up. I saw a bunch of songs and I fled

Why I think Nine Inch Nails Belongs On Every Error Playlist.

NIN might be my favorite band right now, so I'm listening to it constantly. I've connected the lyrics and sounds to Error and I'm going to explain why. I'm breaking up things into little groups to make things easier.

group 1) Error's stubbornness and anger group 2) his lonely :( group 3) his chaotic nature and weird self-contradictory behavior

If I designed music for Error I'd have a sturdy bassline to rep how unchanging his opinion is, and the playing instruments an electronic mess of thoughts and feelings for his shitty cycle of a mental state. NIN perfectly captures how I envision it soundwise.

Song: Only

The beat and the guitar 100%.

"I've becoming less defined, as days go on by, fading away well you could say I'm losing focus." This is the point where Error starts to feel the effects of real lonesomeness, like with Into The Void, which is just him waking up and realizing his situation, Only is a continuation of it.

"Less concerned with fitting into the world, your world that is." The Stubbornness.

"I just made you up to hurt myself." Error finding a way to cope with the crippling Nothing and lack of company by saying that the only real reason that he felt it to begin with was because he wanted to punish himself for something. And instead he finds more reasons to love things about the Anti-Void than hate it out of spite. Group 1 and 2.

"There is no you, there is only me." Him separating himself from other characters as something entirely different, he feels like he's nothing like them, and that aids in his incredible apathy towards other people, especially those with AUs.

Song: Into The Void

The start of the song adds onto itself bit by bit as it progresses, starting with a simple tune and then adding another intrument, a baseline, and zangy electronic shit. Kind of like waking up.

"Try to save myself, but myself keeps slipping away." The vastness of the void traumatizes everyone, just an empty white that goes on endlessly. I like to think this song could be used to depict Error's feelings about his home, how existentially scary it is and how it effects him.

The rolling tune, where near the three minute mark it swings up and then falls back down again in a sort of out-of-sync and deteriorating way, like a buildup to a strong emotion (anger, stress) and then switching to relief or calmness once it passes, he's dealing with the pressure of his own thoughts. This puts the song in group 2.

Song: GOSSIP (Maneskin)

WIth the hard+heavy beat with the wacky guitar, the sound of the song fits with the theme already.

"So sip the gossip, drink 'til you choke. […] you're not iconic, you are just like them all." Directed at Ink and their disagreements.

"Keep drinking and acting cool […] nobody likes a gloomy face." in reference to how Ink has control over his emotions and yet chooses not to agree with Error.

I think this song could be used to depict Error and Ink's relationship from Error's POV and show why they disagree with different reasons other than, "that one destroys that one protects, obviously they argue about that and only that." Error probably sees Ink defending AUs as not worth the time and energy, something that other people have conditioned him to do or something he thinks is a 'normal guideline' to follow. the irony is that while Error critisizes Ink about letting other people define who he is (even though Ink's actions are actually entirely his own) he himself locks himself up in a box of, "I'm the bad guy, I'm the destroyer. That's my purpose because I've heard it told to me so many times."

But not FGod territory, Error believes wholly in his goal, but embodies it instead of it just being a thing he has faith in. This song goes into group 1.

Song: Squares (That Handsome Devil)

Very nifty 1900's vibe is always welcome. "To refuse would be square. And that terrible label must be avoided at all costs." to add on to what shapes I use to draw Error with. Nobody wants to be Error, he's a square! He probably doesn't drink or do any other mysterious 'get high' activities now that I think about it. This song is once again about Ink and Error's dispute.

"Stupid bastards blasting telling me what's cool." he hates being told what to do, probably has some form of authority problem.

"Sorry girl, you're far behind where it is you draw your line." Error draws the line at Outertale because he's biased, and can't understand why Ink keeps going and accepting new variations. This song goes into group 1.

Song: Destruction (Joywave)

The beginning: "will the soundtrack please produce a sound? (chaos noise) go on, […] any sound! (another chaos noise) well, that's not quite what I had in mind." Error's a little shit and does the exact opposite of anything out of spite (for shits and giggles)

"Oh my God, I'm a giant with an appetite." I relate Error to a black hole, since he eats up AUs like one does to stars.

"Oh my God, there's nobody who can set me right. I've been sent to torch the palace down in broad daylight" he knows everyone thinks he's wrong, and he knows nothing can be done about it. And also the second line "I've been sent" to lose that sense of self and rely on a higher purpose.

"I've been creeping round I saw a little thing I didn't like You tried to hide I've been creeping round I saw a little thing I didn't like You tried to hide from me."

The song also has a very BIG vibe to it, like going somewhere. Walking up to a thing or person with an intent. I think this song could be used to flesh out how much JOY he gets from causing anarchy and destroying things. It gives him a sense of power, makes him feel free and in control, a very sought for feeling we all seek. Group 3.

Song: Get Seduced (The Faint)

Funky noises!

"Tell us! How rad is it living in a microscope? Broadcast into every single living room." I more of related the AUs to the TV shows in the song, it follows their everyday life, "Hot lights on your love life. Let me buy. Close up tabloid shots of your cellulite." I feel like that last line is more sarcasm towards it, "like sure! I'm totally all for your bullshit!"

"You're getting so obsessed its all we talk about." Again, could be used as a reference to Ink.

"Hypnotizing pages of advice From their demented fashion do's or dies." Hypnotizing like Error believes everyone else is being tricked into liking absolute garbage, and if you DON'T like it, you're a bitch!

Song: Digital Silence (Peter McPoland)

"I won't ask a question, I'll state the truth It's everything I know and all I do."

The entire thing is very nihilistic, someone who's downright exhausted from things they feel like need to change but aren't being listened to.

"They're gunna blind date everyone until you love them too." adds onto what I said for Get Seduced, poor Error's the only one who has a brain huh? (What an asshole, really.)

"This is the answer to the question. This is the sound of the truth. This is the answer to the question. There is nothing you can do." He's near unstoppable and unchangeable.

"Digital style, digital hate. Digital god, digital pain. Digital violence, digital world. Digital boy meets digital girl. Digital silence, digital yell. Digital heaven, digital hell. Digital start, digital end. Digital birth, digital death." obviously, being digital makes it so there's a barrier between you and whatever you try to interact with. In reality whatever you do online is ultimately fabricated. Error's a glitch! A digital aspect that can't hurt you outside of the screen, and he's put up barriers and walls around himself and excludes everyone else as "not real", flipping the "nothing online is real" to make himself feel better.

YOU are digital. Not Error. It can't possibly be Error because that's reportedly not what he believes. Group 1 and 2.

Song: The Hunter (Slaves)

I saw the "Are you satisfied?" on the album cover and got reminded of The Origins. Hiii Crunch!

The first half is Error asking what's gunna happen when people get bored of making AUs, all that energy will be completely wasted, what then? Would there be any point in continuing to stray from the original source if the end goal just fizzles out meaninglessly?

"Oh, what is it your justice, cut the hands of the thief? He was starving, his children were crying to be fed. And now they're bawling and dying. But at least you are ahead." getting left behind or entirely forgotten about, that's unfair, Error uses the excuse that nobody would want him to begin with because of what he does, and that's why he deserves to be as unreasonable as he is.

"You keep it, we don't want it." nobody wants trash cluttering up their multiverse! Just get rid of it! He says.

"Just be patient, keep waiting. That's what they always say. But you're tired and you're aching. And the pain won't go away." and his reaction to coping with that pain is to lash out at what he thinks is the cause.

Song: Head Like A Haunted House (Queens Of The Stone Age)

"Desperation can led to madness." Fun line that could be used as an art piece title for him lmao.

"Let you mock and then copulate me. A dirty trick and it's making me sick." explanatory with what I've already established.

"Tonight I'm gonna put up a fight, I'm gonna get a reaction that I'm right. [...] To trick them all because of which is why I'm ashamed. Petty disguises more like skins, a distinction, vice." he feels that everybody's just out to get him, and he feels the need to defend himself. Group 1 and maybe 2.

Again, these lines more or less can speak for themselves.

Song: The Hand That Feeds (Nine Inch Nails)

"Will you bite the hand that feeds you?" Error acting out against the Creators even though they're the ones that spawned him in. Kind of like a rebellious teenager.

"What if this whole crusade's a charade. And behind it all there's a price to be paid. For the blood on which we dine. Justified in the name of the holy and the divine." all the bullshittery of the multiverse and Ink's goal to preserve and spread it (a crusade) holds a horrible end for them all. Maybe things go up in one big explosion GIF and letting all the AUs run free ruins the structure of reality in the long run. Ink's justified in the eyes of the Creators because he upholds their desires.

"So naïve, I keep holding on to what I wanna believe, I can see. But I keep holding on and on and on and on." yeah this puts it in group 1 for sure. Stubborn.

Song: Jealous (Eyedress)

veering away from his outwardly asshole behavior. I don't see Error having great thoughts about himself. Maybe he appears confident and sure of his opinions as a way to cover up that he genuinely doesn't know how to communicate or get help in any way. So he pushes on that higher purpose excuse to avoid possibly getting hurt if he ever does try to reach out.

And if someone tries to get close to him he shoves them away all like.

"You could have anyone you want. Why would you want to be with me? You know, I'm nothing special." everyone already thinks he's a jackass, so why would anyone wanna approach him kindly?

"She tried to call me yesterday. But I didn't pick up. 'Cause I don't got time." he don't got time to get hurt and cry about it, not risking it. :(

finalizing lines to prove my point, "Only care about myself. 'Cause everyone's trying to hurt me. Just leave me alone. Just leave me alone."

Group 2.

Song: Alien Blues (Vundabar)

Friend Crunch suggested this one to me! Thank my buddy.

"Oh no, more surprises, guess it's like this I'd do anything for you, Mrs. Highness." yes he WOULD like someone to be close with (that's the whole point of feeling lonely.)

"The sun is fun, the land is dandy. I only talk to dogs because they don't understand me. My teeth are yellow, hello world. Would you like me a little better if they were white like yours?" him thinking that would he have to change himself to gain someone to talk to. He's off in his own world and goes by his own rules, so obviously, since everyone's against him, the only way to get positive attention would be to not be himself? Character analysis or me projecting. You decide.

"I need to purge my urges. Shame, shame, shame on you."

Shame on you for not having better things to do than read through all of this!

Here's your hard earned prize.

#undertale #undertale au #utmv #error sans #long post #long rant

[tangy-soup]

Hii lookie! Even though I only made like 4 fully rendered pieces this year, I'm happy with what I've done this year!

(For months where I dont't have fully rendered finished pieces I put in the next closest thing I have that month.)

Ramble under the cut where I try to go over each month

General overview:

Funny thing I've noticed is how often I used cool tones this year bc my older art (that ive never shown from like 2 years ago) was characterized by warm tones

Even though I work through fully rendered pieces super slowly and barely come out of the year with any, I'm super proud of my progress this year! I've learnt and grown a lot as an artist and have also realized my potential. With that though also comes my fear of not being able to top what I've done, which I'm trying to work on! My issue is I tend to produce a lot of art when feeling highly inspired by a media, and right now I don't exactly feel the same kind of spontaneous and passionate inspiration as I did during the year. I'm definitely dealing with some sort of mental block right now when it comes to digital art and I'm hoping to get through that soon because I miss the process of making something I love through drawing!!

January:

honestly thought the boatem piece was done last year so I was surprised to find it in my January files! This piece was kind of a turning point for my art as it was my first more complex pieces (i had not previously done a piece w more than 1 character in it really). It was a lot of work and I was very nervous about it but I'm quite proud of what I was able to do!

Late january is also when i started sketching out the ethubs piece actually (i work slow)!

February:

I didn't actually do a ton of art this month, as I tend to take a break and slow down right after finishing a piece. At this point I was very keen on doing pose studies traditionally. I posted some of these and most of them were desert duo.

This month i started to really figure out my dnd character Ethe's main design as our campaign was starting. So, i did a portrait of her for that. The rest of February was working on ethubs and studying how to paint grass and clouds and just sketching here and there. I think desert duo brain rot was strongest this month

March:

March was also a mix of pose studies and random sketches and FINALLY FINISHING ETHUBS. I was also doing some art for dnd ^_^

April:

I finished the dragonborn npc centered dnd piece this month, and also began sketching out the cleo piece. In between working on cleo I did some joe art including an animatic featuring the wordle boarder and the sketch for biblically accurate joe :D

May:

Pretty much anytime i had procreate open in may I was working on Cleo. This is the most ambitious art project I have taken on and I wasn't sure if I was able to make it how I wanted, so I was kind of slow and on and off with it. I ended up putting it down towards the end of the month and did some more personal illustrations

June:

Big month for my dnd blorbos tbh! I introduced a sister for Ethe and was working on her design and their interactions. I also got a bigger sketchbook this month and did a bunch of traditional studies. I finished the flats for cleo this month and took a break so most of the art I did were sketches

July:

I was in the home stretch for cleo and with the help of my friends telling me to finish it i finally pushed through and finished it. I couldnt be happier w the results!! it's one of my proudest pieces this year and I put in so much work for it. But after I finished it i took a huge break from mcyt art and focused on dnd art yet again.

August:

My work for the multidimensional big bang started this month!! I worked out the character design early august and had a sketch for the full piece by the end of the month. In the meantime I was actually working on a cat painting I never posted... maybe I'll post it in an end of year art dump

September:

This month was all about the big bang piece. I had so much fun doing it and am super proud of the finished product. Im especially happy with the composition and inclusion of the background characters!!

October:

Again. Major break from making full pieces after finishing a huge one last month. I think I spent more of my creative energy elsewhere like my writing. Also school started again and I had moved apartments and there was a lot of irl stuff preventing me from drawing. I did try to do traditional studies if I could

November:

Kind of a dead month for drawing. Super busy w school, chugging my way through Ethe's ref sheet i started months ago.

December:

Literally haven't drawn anything new besides a new years illustration for greeting cards. I picked up crocheting again and have been spending a lot of creative energy on that instead, but to keep my drawing going I've been doing more figure studies in my sketch book i guess!

#soup speaks #soup draws #2022 summary of art

[vicsdeangelis]

i think i made a decision

this is probably gonna be long and boring to literally everyone, so if you only want to know if i'm gonna delete or not, i'm gonna save you some time: no, i won't

now, to the long post

first, i wanna talk about my mental health, which i have been very openly struggling with for some time now. the thing is, i was on a medication that was actually making my depression worse, and that medication was also causing me the allergies that were making me feel so bad about myself. i'm off of them now, have been for a week, maybe, and i already feel like i'm doing better. therapy is also helping. i really like my therapist, and the sessions don't feel suffocating, like someone only waiting for me to word vomit all of my issues. we actually have conversations, it's not a one sided thing, and she's been helping me make some progress with my home life, which is the biggest external problem i'm having at the moment

now, to måneskin. so, the other day i listened to a podcast (you're wrong about, the "yoko ono broke up the beatles" episode, if you're interested), and it made me reexamine my relationship to the band. truth is, they're changing, and i don't like it. i really don't like it. from the music itself, to acting like they're instagram influencers instead of an actual band with actual talent, i just don't like it. and honestly, that's fine. the thing i have to come to terms with, and i'm really trying to for my own sake more than anything else, is that those are not my decisions to make. and that's also fine. i have to be okay with it, because the alternative only hurts me. i think i've been spiralling since they stayed in LA for those few months because i was too emotionally invested in them. like, i was borderline emotionally dependent on them, and that's so fucking unhealthy and also so unfair to everyone involved. they didn't sign up to cater to me, and it's really unfair of me to, i don't know, expect them to, expect them to keep me afloat when i'm the one who should be responsible for myself and my mental health, not them. i fully realize that now, and i'm working on it. i'm not saying i'm never gonna criticize them or voice my opinions on new songs, but i do need to chill with the emotional side of it.

and finally, the blog. like i said at the very beginning, i'm not gonna delete. but i don't think i'm gonna be as active here as i used to be, at least for now. i decided to keep it mainly for archival purposes, so my gifs and the things i did write won't just disappear. i want to keep them, so i'm keeping the blog. i will keep my inbox closed for a little longer, because i want to avoid a repeat of what happened. i don't want asks to end up piling up even more because i don't know how to answer them, because i'm feeling too down to match the enthusiasm, or because i'm not in the headspace to write. i don't know if what i did to my dms and replies even worked, to be honest, because i don't know what tumblr counts as "people you follow" when you do it on a sideblog, but in case it did make a difference, i'm just letting you all know i'm reopening them.

and speaking of writing, i'm coming back around to it, since i'm all around feeling better. i even managed to write a little yesterday, which is actually huge for me. i'm trying, i really am. and i want to answer most, if not all, asks i already have with the attention they deserve. i'm really sorry for making anyone feel bad, feel uncertain, or anything similar. that was never my intention, but i know intent doesn't equal impact, and i apologize.

for now, that's it. i'll keep reblogging, keep posting, keep thirsting, try to write in the background, try to do better for myself regarding the band's new direction.

what you can learn from all this mess is: always ask your psychiatrist why they're prescribing you a certain medication and what it is for. i didn't, and i paid the price for it for months. be smarter than i was.

#content: talk of mental health (tho mostly positive i think) #self reflection regarding the band and what they meant to me #update on the blog i guess? #life lesson at the end like please don't be a dumb bitch like me

[gladiatortale]

Therapeutic Fandom Obsessions Round 2: ELECTRIC BUGALOO 🎉🎉 ...with some MAJOR edits lol

EDIT: oh what a fucking STORY THIS ONE IS. so. I had every intention in the universe of posting this in January like I did last year... but my partner at the time happened to read (as you'll see down below) the lil "life updates" section over my shoulder and THAT is how he found out I have been (still am??) questioning my gender identity.

It was not a conversation I was ready to have with him/ wanted to have with him (which maybe should have been a bigger red flag... BUT I DIGRESS), and it began a six month winding path to the collapse of our relationship. Was this the only thing? No. Did it, in conjunction with the fights we both had and weren't having (it was weird...), become what did us in in the end? Yeah. Little bit.

I was in a swirl of emotions from the time the conversation happened until the break up, and I'm still in a bit of a swirl now. But I'm doing better. Feeling more myself than I have in a while, and being forced to FEEL my emotions and not lean on/ focus on someone else's emotions (AND BOY HOWDY is my brain fucking LOUD without a good distraction). I've found some "good distractions" in the last six months, but mostly found joy the company of friends and their phenomenal support. I'll fill you in on all that nonsense next year (or in January because this is the halfway point lol) so stay tuned for part three! ;) But INDUDGE ME FRIENDS. Pretend we're still in January with my fandom recaps! And I hope you find some joy in my blast from the past xxx

END EDIT.

hellooooOOOOOO EVERYONE!! Thought you'd seen the last of these posts from me?? THINK AGAIN.

Is it a little late to be posting a New Year's post? MAYBE. Did my partner come to visit and it took up all my attention because I missed him more that words could say??? ALSO MAYBE. lol

But I guess you can call this my official decision to make this an annual thing. *shrugs*

Well. What a fucking year. Somehow someway my mental health (are we even allowed to say that on here anymore???) has improved this year. Don't get me wrong. I'm still a hopeless insomniac, and you could practically set your calendar by the cycles of my seasonal depression. But somehow, in spite of all that, I've actually made strides toward feeling better.

MINI RECAP.

I moved to California to take care of my grandmother (and she managed to take care of me in ways I never expected).

I'm finally moving forward with a diagnosis (still up in the air on what the fuck is going on BUT HEY. PROGRESS).

Had an (ongoing) gender crisis that was NOT FUN to deal with so late in the game... but still glad it happened.

I found a job I really enjoy in a field I've always wanted to get in to.

And perhaps most importantly, I've reframed the way I think about from "getting better" to "feeling better." --- Said this last year, but I don't think whatever is going on upstairs is something I'll really ever truly "heal" from. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't try and make myself feel better.

And between the little ways (reframing my phrasing and thinking), to the much bigger shit (facing my fears around doctors, diagnoses, and medicine), I've made progress I can be proud of this year.

And perhaps my hyper fixations are only salve and bandaids on top of much bigger wounds, but they (AND THE BLESSED AND BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE THAT ENJOYED THEM WITH ME) helped me get through a tough year.

So I hope everyone that's reading this found some joy in 2021 and will find so much more of it in 2022. And hey, if you're looking for a rabbit hole to fall down in search of some dopamine... this list this always here, and I'm ALWAYS around to chat ;)

SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, PLEASE ENJOY MY OBSESSIONS OF 2021 🎉🎉

January 2021 -- Bungou Stray Dogs (Anime/Manga)

DAMN DANIEL BACK AT IT AGAIN???? (Did I just bring a vine reference into a post from 2021? Yes. Yes. I did.) but LORD IN HEAVEN, I'M BACK ON MY BULLSHIT.

STORYTIME. In November of last year, I managed to drag @idancewiththefairies down the anime rabbit hole with me and she wanted some recommendations for Top Tier shows after finishing Yuri!!! On Ice. I tossed Bungou Stray Dogs in her general direction and the rest is history.

HOLY HELL did my fandom obsession come back with a burning passion. The flame was FULLY reignited and I'm so glad it was.

Joined the fandom: April 2020

Obsession peaked: I *THOUGHT* it peaked in 2020, but that was NOTHING compared to January 2021.

Fandom friends: @idancewiththefairies hi ;) xxx, @lil-1nsane, @aeriamamaduck -- I've managed to kidnap all the usual suspects...

Fanfics you NEED to read:

'The Shinigami' by @cataclysmicevent2019 -- Supernatural Yakuza AU. She was already the unprecedented QUEEN of BSD and Soukoku fics in my mind and had earned my undying loyalty... AND HOLY HELL THIS FIC just reinforced that even more. Desperately waiting for this one to finish updating.

'Always Yours' by @cataclysmicevent2019 -- ABO period piece with arranged marriage(s). God bless Rachel and her eternal undying patience to put up with me as she waited a million fucking years for me to finish this fic. AAAAAHHHHHHHH. HOW DID YOU DO THAT??? oh man oh man oh man. This fic is a DOOZY. Lures you in with a false sense of security and then breaks your fucking neck with chapter 6. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED AND YOU WILL LOVE IT.

Favourite moments:

Pacing back and forth in my aunt's garden (and getting a nasty sunburn) for hours voice noting with Rachel around fan theories and fanfiction recs.

Finally getting in to the manga -- and boy HOWDY did I REALLY get in to it (RIP my wallet).

Commissioning one of my favourite artists to do a piece for one of my favourite fanfics -- THIS MASTERPIECE if you haven't seen it already.

March 2021 -- Violet Evergarden (Anime/Movie)

Full disclosure. I don't cry at movies. I just don't. Honestly wish I could, you all make it sound so therapeutic. BUT THIS SHOW. oooooOOOOHHHHOO LORD. THIS FUCKING SHOW. TO SAY I WAS UNPREPARED FOR HOW THIS WAS GONNA MAKE ME FEEL IS THE UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR.

Violet Evergarden had been floating through my Netflix recommendations for nearly two years by the time I decided to pick it up this past March. BRILLIANT DECISION this is one of those shows that is FULLY worth the hype.

And KYO ANI, stunningly gorgeous as always. Watching any one of their beautifully animated shows from pre-arson attack days is always tinged with a touch of melancholy, but it is nice to think the animators live on through their art if even in a small way.

Go watch it if you haven't; the message is timeless, the world building and character development are both stunning, with an art style that is simply out of this world.

Joined the fandom: March 2021

Obsession peaked: Around the same time -- this was a fast and fierce love affair.

Fandom friends: Aileen xxx

Fanfics you NEED to read: SEND ME YOUR RECS IF YOU KNOW ANY GOOD ONES.

Favourite moments:

EPISODE TEN. HOLY HELL IN A HAND BASKET. Can you call a borderline trauma response a favourite moment??? idk brah but it was soooo good. Literally had to watch the end like three times bc I kept crying and missing the subtitles...

Catching up with the show in time to watch the final movie in the cinema (in a rare moment when the pandemic was a bit more mild... what a hopeful time lol).

FINALLY getting my non-anime friend into the medium with this show (and making her cry at the same part as me).

March 2021 -- Figure Skating (Sport)

At the risk of this list becoming just the same as 2020's recap... here is the SECOND fandom to make a reappearance!

I don't think my love for this sport is ever really going to dwindle or die, but it certainly has had its moments when it's shone brighter and March 2021 was definitely one of them.

I got myself up at ASS CRACK O'CLOCK in the morning on the day of worlds (and then again like three weeks later for WTT) to scream in silence as the sun came up and I FREAKED OUT ABOUT THAT RESULT (hooooLEEEE MOTHER I did NOT see that one coming).

Joined the fandom: Childhood. 'Tis one of my oldest fandoms. Obsession peaked: (re)peaked in March of 2021. Fandom friends: HARUKA YOU QUEEN. Thank you for staying up/ waking up to chat with me xxx Fanfics you NEED to read: NONE ABOUT REAL PEOPLE NOOOOO THANK YOU. Favourite moments:

Live reacting and Instagram story-ing to World's at ASS CRACK O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING (thank you California and your ridiculous timezone).

Kaori and her stunning Matrix skate at all times this season but ESPECIALLY at Team Trophy.

Ranting with Rachel as always ;) xx

April 2021 -- Demon Slayer (Anime/Movie)

Sandra my dear. I should never doubt your recs (and yet somehow I'm still dragging my feet on FMAB...) BUT THIS TIME. I ACTUALLY TOOK YOUR ADVICE IN A TIMELY FASHION. Best decision of 2021.

OOOOOH THE ANGST. OOOOOOOOOH THE ANIMATION (!!!). I was not prepared for how this show was gonna fucking WRECK me. Walked into it thinking, "hmmm, monster-of-the-week-shounen. how bad could it be?"

BAD. VERY BAD. SO VERY BAD. but also SOOOO FUCKING GOOD. If season two and Mugen Train haven't made you hop on the bandwagon at this point idk what will. But believe me when I say this is FAR from your run-of-the-mill action/monster shounen.

Joined the fandom: April 2021

Obsession peaked: Almost immediately after.

Fandom friends: PAULIUS MA BOIIII, @aeriamamaduck thank you Sandra xxx.

Fanfics you NEED to read: Some how I haven't gotten around to this fandom yet, but I know it's coming.

Favourite moments:

Driving down the 405 and singing along to 'Gurenge' on full blast after watching Mugen Train (I NEEDED A PLACE FOR MY FEELINGS TO GO.)

Managing to stay spoiler free for TWO YEARS... but then seeing a spoiler on a Gigguk video THAT DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH DEMON SLAYER. still salty...

Eating my words on this being an overhyped shounen. Sometimes it feels great to be wrong.

May 2021 -- Fruits Basket (Anime)

oh my babies how i've fucking missed you... WAY BACK IN THE YESTERYEAR OF THE ANIME DARK AGES (lol) when your lil bean was just getting in to anime, this title came up CONSTANTLY on "must watch lists." And while I feel like I eventually learned the plot through osmosis without ever sitting down to watch the full thing.

FAST FORWARD TO MARCH OF 2021. I am hit by the sudden unexplained urge to fucking RAWDOG one of the most traumatic scenes in shojo anime (perhaps all of anime) with no build-up, no foreplay. Yes, season 1, episode 24 (WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING???)

FAST FORWARD AGAIN TO LATE APRIL OF 2021. I am pulled head-fucking-first into the orbit of a fandom I'd been skating around for nearly a decade and I have ZERO regrets. The anime broke my heart and put it back together again all at once, a GORGEOUS and fitting end to the Furuba saga.

Joined the fandom: idk brah... somewhere in my past??? Feels like I was kind of always there in some way.

Obsession peaked: May 2021. I could not fucking shut up about it.

Fandom friends: Raneen. Thank you for you stunning edits my dear.

Fanfics you NEED to read:

'I'll Be Standing By You' by Eboni -- Cancer Death Fic. OHHHH MAAAAAN. I read the tags. I often actively CHOOSE death fics. I knew what I was getting in to. *inhale* BUT HOLY HELL THIS HURTS LIKE A BITCH. Told almost exclusively from Yuki's POV, this stunning portrayal of the Sohma family faced the impossible and impending reality of Tohru's death fucking was so unbelievably good. If you're brave enough, READ IT.

'Another Banquet?' by SailorSong -- Future Fic, One-shot. Sweet future fic, largely canon compliant and some pseudo-angsty banter between Kyo and Yuki that warmed my cold dead heart.

Favourite moments:

Losing my fucking MARBLES with Yuki and Kyo's backstories in season 2, part 2 (THE ANGST. THE HAT. THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN FRIENDS. I WILL NEVER GET OVER IT.)

Yuki and Kyo FINALLY having it out when the truth is revealed in season 3. ("Me!? I was jealous of you!" OH LORD SAVE ME. NOW I will never get over it EVEN MORE.)

June 2021 -- The Case Study of Vanitas (Manga)

Ass-kicking bisexuals. That's it. That's the whole show. Well... not the whole show, but a sizable portion gives off the *vibe* ya know? ;)

This was one of the first times I started with the manga rather than waiting for the anime. holy fuck I'm so glad I was impatient. Both Jun Mochizuki's art style and the story itself are so stunning (and the manga covers are just breathtaking so I recommend picking them up if you get the chance).

I specify with this series that I've only really become invested in the manga because despite the anime coming out around the same time, I've really had trouble sinking my teeth (heh. vampires. teeth.) into for some reason. I think the truth lies in the manga itself; the anime is very true to the manga but both are pretty slow in the beginning. Other than a very sneaky plot point revealed at the end of episode one (and chapter one) it does drag for the first couple of chapters, and THEN takes off like a shot. For people looking to get into either version KEEP GOING, it is soooo worth it. But even I will admit it *is* a slow start.

Joined the fandom: June 2021

Obsession peaked: Hilariously peaked right after I finished reading volume 8... oh the irony.

Fandom friends: Annika (@/mid_wintxr on insta), your edits kill me dead girlie xx

Fanfics you NEED to read: NEED to get around to fics in this fandom. I can just TELL they're gonna be good.

Favourite moments:

Driving all the way to fucking San Diego in pursuit of volume one of the manga during a printing shortage. Sounds way less fun than it actually was.

Getting through my first manga binge read with this series.

July 2021 -- Given (Anime/Movie)

In direct contrast to my previous month's obsession... bisexuals I would like to give an ass-kicking to.

HOOOOOOEEEE BOIIIII. Idk what I was expecting y'all but there was WAAAAAY more angst than I prepared for. HOLY FUCK. The Yuki plotline??? THE MOVIE?????

Joined the fandom: July 2021

Obsession peaked: also July 2021

Fandom friends: Fiji @lil-1nsane, thanks for suffering with me.

Fanfics you NEED to read: Haven't found any that have really grabbed me yet.

Favourite moments:

Jumping around the house like a madwoman as I kept pausing the movie because I was so stressed.

Playing a game of "musical chairs" with different Barnes & Noble locations trying to find the later volumes during a paper shortage... (idk if this counts as a "fave" moment, but it was sure memorable).

August 2021 -- Free! Iwatobi Swim Club (Anime/Movie)

Lord in heaven, I have never been so late to the party. To be honest, it shocks even me that I jumped on the Yuri On Ice train before paying dues to its Queer-Subtext-So-Overt-It-Stops-Being-Subtext older sibling show. (Literally this show is the sports anime equivalent of, "This bitch walked, she fucking strutted that runway mama, so that PEPPA. COULD. RUUUUUUN!!") But hey, better (EIGHT YEARS) later than never.

OH MAN. I did not count of how much these boys would fucking crush my heart. As a former competitive high school and recruited college athlete (shocking I know lol), this hit me in the feels WAAAAY harder than I was expecting. The subtle undercurrent of pressure and angst (tied together with a fucking BRILLIANT voice cast) made the show feel more real, and completely addicting to watch.

So if somehow you have managed to avoid this gem over the last decade, and are looking for a high school sports anime that is angstier than Haikyuu (I'm sorry Haikyuu fans please don't kill me xD) THIS is the perfect place to go.

Joined the fandom: July or August of 2021. Harder to pin this one down bc I spent months TALKING about picking up this show without ever actually DOING it.

Obsession peaked: September-ish? But tbh still going strong. This show has quickly snuck up into my favourites list.

Fandom friends: Rachel... FINISH SEASON TWO DAMMIT.

Fanfics you NEED to read:

'Coral and Bone' by @macbetha -- Mermaid AU. this fucking fic... Honestly? I don't know why I started reading it. I'm not normally a fan of the mermaid AU, but MAAAAAAN. This fic had me eating my fucking WORDS. I normally need to be hyper focused when reading, but I simply could not put this down. I was RAVENOUSLY reading it on a ten hour noisy AirFrance flight, and it felt like I was alone (and sobbing) in my own little world. ALSO Makoto and Haru may be the main couple... BUT THE SAMEZUKA BOYS STEAL THE FUCKING SPOTLIGHT in this. omg THE TWIST. AND THE SCENE WITH THE ANCHOR. AND NITORI WITH THE--- aaaaaahhhhhhh. read it. just read it.

'Eyes Wide Open All The Time' by @macbetha -- Gritty drug and prostitution AU with a shocking amount of heart and pathos. Confession time. I have not finished reading this one. HOWEVER, chapter one *A L O N E* is enough of a reason for you to pic up this fic. It is LOOOONG (chapter one is nearly 20,000 words all on its own), but the world building is SOOOO fucking solid and it's the perfect amount of angst for your resident angst queen over here (read: a fucking HIGH amount).

Favourite moments:

The antagonist to snarky deuteragonist trend that I saw unfold from season to season. (Rin, Ikuya, I see you I see you).

SOUSUKE AND RIN. HOLY FUCK. like LISTEN. I was fully in the RinHaru camp at the end of season one. But the season two twist??? and the A N G S T. *chef's kiss*

^^^ follow up to this one. MAKOHARU. *chef's kiss*

The whole of the Samezuka team. I love me my Iwatobi darlings, but there's just something about these chaotic fools that warms my heart.

The waves of swimming nostalgia I was hit with that made me want to get back in to swimming.

November 2021 -- Vampire Knight (Anime/Manga)

L I S T E N. I CAN EXPLAIN… okay maybe no I can’t… flipped this soap opera of an anime on a few weeks back when I saw it on Netflix (the motivation to do so lying halfway between idle curiosity and my desire to fact check a few things a literal DECADE on from my first watch). I was NOT counting on this shit sucking me back down the proverbial rabbit hole.

Is it a masterpiece? FUCK NO.

Is it even all that good? Eh *shrugs* Not really. The show/series had a LOT of potential (which is why pics are essential in this fandom and I am GETTING THERE) that it truthfully never really lived up to.

Is the show worth the watch? ABSOLUTELY. Maybe this is nostalgia talking, but it’s a fun show. Dark and moody and very atmospheric, the anime is wildly melodramatic with interesting characters and the charm of late 2000s shojo that helped get me into anime in the first place. So pop open a bottle of (red) wine, sit down with ya friends and watch this teenage train wreck run it’s course. You can thank me later ;)

Joined the fandom: Like???? June 2011?? Fun fact! It was my first “big kid” anime! (I… I imagine that explains a lot)

Obsession peaked: NOVEMBER 2021. BC NOW I HAVE ADULT MONEY WITH WHICH TO MAKE POOR DECISIONS.

Fandom friends: Sandra @aeriamamaduck (imma drag you back to hell with me babes xxx)

Fanfics you NEED to read:

'The Week of Four Thursdays' by @madmaenad -- holy god good gracious lordt in high heaven... this fic... this M O T H E R F U C K I N G MASTERPIECE OF A FIC. It is a *inhale* 400,000 word, arranged political marriage, faking-dating-to-real-dating, (mostly) canon compliant, ABO, fix-it fic WITH A POLYSHIP and it has RUINED ME. OHHHHHHH MYYYYYY GODDDDD. It goes without exaggeration when I say this IMMEDIATELY shot up to my top 3 favourite fics of ALL TIME. It is beyond words. Her characterization of Zero, Yuuki, and Kaname is SPOT ON, while interlacing the framework of the characters with a maturity and nuance they FUCKING DESERVED, but never got in canon. It literally fixes everything. AND THE SMUT???? *chef's kiss* Never has a fic more rightly earned the "fix-it" mantel. GOOOO REEEEAD IT.

Favourite moments:

Watching it again ten years on and hit with waves of nostalgia.

Watching it again... AND NOTICING ALL THE QUEER CODED CHARACTERS (I see you Aido... I see you xD). They're everywhere, almost hilarious that I missed it the first time.

Any Zero and Kaname interaction. THESE BOYS. THE DRAMA. THE TENSION.

T A K U M A I C H I J O. MY PRECIOUS BOYYYY.

THAT FUCKING SCENE WITH ZERO AND ICHIRU. *animalistic wails of pain* WHYYY???? (can a scene that sad be a fave? Yes. Yes it can.)

December 2021 -- Blue Period (Manga)

wow. just. wow.

OKAY. STORY TIME.

Is it a bit cliche to call this a masterpiece when everyone else has said that a thousand times before? Perhaps.

Joined the fandom: This bad boy slipped on to my radar just after I started working at the bookstore.

Obsession peaked: I chewed through

Fandom friends: COME FIND MEEEEEE.

Fanfics you NEED to read: None yet, but give me recs if you have them!

Favourite moments: ALL OF CHAPTER ONE. The conversations about talent are just *chef's kiss*

Honorable Mentions:

Yuri!!! On Ice (Anime): Ah YOI... My indomitable steadfast love... Honestly? I could give this a section all on it's own as a "constant back of mind" fandom. It pulled me back into my love of anime and brought me closer to some of my favourite people in the world. Eternally making history and eternally in my heart.

Haikyuu!! (Anime): Listen y'all... I have T R I E D (and failed) WITH THIS BITCH TWICE ALREADY. It's just *too* happy. A GORL NEEDS HER ANGST OKAY?? But I think 2022 is gonna be the year (or a girl can dream can't she???) *shrugs*

Sk8 the Infinity (Anime): SPEAKING OF GAY SPORTS ANIME!! lol this was such a flashbomb love affair. Loved the series and was obsessed with it (and the stellar fanfics) for about three weeks... and then my love fled like the wind. Cherry's story (and the subtextual past abuse that is so beautifully implied) RUINED me. 10 out of 10. Everyone should watch.

#^^^ I just noticed the Haikyuu tag #i had no idea what i was getting in to... #surprise past me! #2022 *IS* the year for Haikyuu #but that's a story for next year ;) #text post #new years #<---- that feels weird in July lol #bungou stray dogs #figure skating #violet evergarden #blue period #yuri!!! on ice #free! anime #given #free! #the case study of vanitas #demon slayer #fruits basket #anime #text rambles #new years rambles

[rubyflowerpetals]

chill friday 04/08/23

I got my period yesterday, so today I took it very chill. I mostly just played sims the whole day. I started a new household and story line, but for some reason a mod is being messy so I got frustrated and ended up not making any progress. But that's fine.

After dinner, I decided to finally leave my room for longer than it took me to make lunch and go on another walk. I left while the sun was setting so it was really pretty. While walking, I remembered about fnaf and Chloé pointing out again how excited I am for the movie and it made me even more excited! I had a nice warm and like not really exhilirating or tingly feeling in my whole body. I just felt like I needed to move, so I did.

When I got to the third left turn I had to take, I decided that instead I would continue further and go down to Goffertpark. It was a great choice on my part as I saw some deer!! They were so adorable! There were also some goats. I went further to explore the park more and realised just how huge it is! There is a big open field there and I saw the setting sun so nicely.

Then I decided that I had walked far enough and started on my way back. Before I left the park, I saw the street lights turn on!!! I again got the excited, tingly, I-need-to-move-to-get-the-excitement-out feeling I did about fnaf. It's so lovely!! I once again was just moving about and jumping a bit haha. It's lovely feeling free to do that and I hope I will feel comfortable to do that around people if there's ever such an opportunity. Further along I ran into three cats!! One of them was sitting on a fence-post and meowed at me and then came to say hi. The other two I saw from a distance, but they were also adorable. It was a lovely walk.

I feel a little guilty and uncomfortable about my crush situation. I feel like if she knew, she would also be uncomfortable and I really don't want that to happen. I keep imagining telling her and I'm honestly afraid of even doing that. Because like in a magical world where she does like me back (I don't fully believe Trine), I'm not sure what my reaction would be to that. I feel like I wouldn't be a good partner or girlfriend so I don't think I would want anything to happen. But on the other hand, it would be lovely. It's just that now any time I think about it, I feel stupid and guilty. I can't stop imagining that she would be uncomfortable if she knew. I really want to tell her, but also I don't want her to know. I feel like she knows already. I think I unconciously flirt a lot and it just makes me rethink every single thing I tell her. I also obviously overthink every single thing she tells me! And it's not helping, because even when I allow myself to be delusional, there's nothing that would indicate that she would like me back. And then I feel worse than before. I desperately hope I'm not making her uncomfortable, I know she doesn't like it wondering if her friend likes her, because she confided in me when it was happening!! I feel like such a hypocrite, and so stupid and dumb and like she would not be happy if she found out. I also feel like she might already be suspecting it, because I feel like I'm quite obvious. I hope I'm not. I really hope it all works out, I don't want this to ruin anything. I love being close to her and I hope that doesn't change. I'll try my best. I also hope it's made worse by being away from her. I also do kinda hope that this isn't one of those things where I've like convinced myself that I like her, but actually don't, you know? I hope this isn't all just mental ilness, but there's actually something there. I feel really guilty.

Tomorrow is saturday so I'm gonna go to the market. It will be a prequel to season 2 of the market adventures. St Annastraat is closed again, so I'll have to go down a different road, but I think I'll manage. I might go to McDonald's for lunch. Or Subway. I'm craving both. I miss my friends. Ida is coming in less than a week and I'm excited! I should text her about her plans soon probably. I don't want to stress her out though. I'll just say she can respond whenever it's convenient for her I think.

I'll try to go to sleep a bit earlier today so I can go to the market bright and early tomorrow! I hope I get some good fruits.

Ttyl <3

[cloudsoffire]

this post contains breaches of various sites’ tos (not this one and not badly). i also don't know what it's about it kinda went off the rails.

i made a deviantart when i was a preteen. i just remember i was 11 at some point while i was active. it was mostly pokémon, but undertale trickled in after a while. i exchanged messages with other people, participates in groups, even made my own that crashed before it got off the ground. eventually all the people i talked to moved on, so i did too (i have another one now but i barely post)

i made a twitter towards the end of when i was 12 because i thought "satan is the reason we do homework" (paraphrased) was funny. i hardly used it because there was nothing on it.

i made a tumblr after a friend at the time told me to make one so i could post my spritework. once i was here i made friends, talked to people, etc. undertale was the first and really only fandom that i got involved with.

come december 17th, i didn't leave like many others, though i did dust off my old twitter to keep up to date since i participated in the first "log-off protest". i kept using both tumblr and twitter after that, but after an amount of time that wasn't short but i don't remember the actual time, i began becoming spotty on this site. i'd somehow breached a trans twitter space and had begun making friends there. i made a lot of friends, but it also severely damaged my mental health. after a while, posting there was painful in and of itself. i had at least 30 followers, but none of them would interact with me. i even quit all social media for a year or so.

when i came back to twitter, i got into an argument with someone and just quit the platform entirely.

i'd been posting to tumblr off and on (bar the break from social media) in an attempt to get back into it, but while i usually have issues focusing on one thing at a time irl, running multiple socials is exhausting. i've never even touched tiktok or instagram, and even youtube (which is like pseudo social media? pseudocial media? at least before community posts anyway) doesn't get a consistent upload schedule.

when i finally came back fully a few months ago, it seemed like people were recovering from a natural disaster. the side is thriving don't get me wrong, but it's like half the users disappeared, and along with them the friends i had made.

i have a very difficult time integrating with communities so that might have a role to play, but while i originally joined and was able to hop right in, i feel almost like i was locked out by logging in less and less. maybe that's just part of growing up, but i don't feel like my seat, as far back in the corner as it was, is here anymore.

people would come to me blog and call me "sass cheld" and offer to adopt me and i'd ask for id, but now i'm an adult, and even though that feels wrong i have to deal with it. i'm not in a position to get a job because i just can't bring myself to do it and why tf am i crying this isn't sad this is normal.

i can't even bring myself to contribute to silly things like goncharov because even though i have ideas whenever i bring up the post thing i just think "nobody will care" and i know that's unhealthy but that's just the way my mind works. even venting feels wrong, even though i know nobody will see it so it doesn't matter.

the worst part is i know i don't deserve to pity myself because of how much harm i've done to those around me. because of the trauma that came as a result of me. because i don't feel empathy, at least to the degree of everyone else. because all my problems are of my own making. because my life is good, and i'm what's bad about it. because it anyone else took my place they'd be doing just fine. because my issues aren't even as bad as my siblings'. because i live in the suburbs. because my parents can afford ac. because i live in california, what's probably the most progressive state in the us.

how did this post turn into this

i am not proofreading this.

#long post #fire's vent tag

[transienturl]

I think the title is honestly completely irrelevant to the actual content but man that's such a good video. It reminds me of Anand Shimpi's coverage before he retired from tech journalism, which is I think pretty much the highest praise you can give in this industry. These days I think a lot of technology journalism is very focused on the here and now (probably largely in the interest of chasing engagement, as you have to for financial reasons), and it's rare to see someone really step back and look at this continual progression of products in a big-picture way.

edit from later when I was writing this post: I am going to leave the stuff in the middle, but I actually came up with a really good framing device for the thing I want to say about this about five paragraphs after this point, rendering the upcoming text fairly pointless

I don't know. Maybe this is off-topic (not that that matters; I control the post topic), but I've really lost some of the passion I had for following along with advancements in tech products in the past, oh, like five years. I think part of that is that these days, most products don't suck anymore, so there's less differentiation and it's hard for something to be truly special. But for the most part I think there's really been a drop in the quality of analysis you can get in coverage, and I'm not sure why.

Because, like... I guess in my opinion the path to a great tech review isn't "here is a new product; should you buy it if you want this kind of product," because that was never really the point. It would be like if sports coverage was only of the scores, or if the financial news was just "this is the Dow today." The best coverage creates a framework for you to understand the market as a whole, and what use cases it serves well or poorly and what features or limitations you can expect or what you should be surprised by. Effectively, it should help show you which 95% of the breathless marketing terminology you'll see whenever you even vaguely consider spending money on anything to ignore, and which 5% are really interesting.

And, I dunno, that 5% is really quite interesting! But these days I feel like when I need to look something up for a quite practical thing like "someone I know wants to know what computer to buy; what are the classes of product in this price range," I feel like it's all just variations of regurgitating that 95%.

So it's really sort of a breath of fresh air, I guess, to watch something about tech these days and go, "oh, I remember that now, and I wouldn't have thought to make that comparison, and look at that detail I hadn't noticed, and I really feel like I'll look at the next product I see with this in mind," I guess is what I'm saying.

Oh: I'm not going to rewrite this post around this conclusion, but a better framing device for this post that I just realized is that I think the best technology coverage makes you think not just about the options immediately in front of you, but breaks them apart into concepts that you can think about in terms of products that don't yet exist. These days I feel like a review of a product is usually essentially unconstructive criticism; "this should be cheaper" isn't a line I would take as a product designer and go, "oh, that actually helps me understand what I could do to create a better product."

Basically, I think it's really important that journalism helps teach you about how the sausage is made, and why it's made that way, because:

a) it's just interesting

b) helps inspire new generations of sausage makers

c) makes you think about sausages in an informed conceptual way, so that next time you see a new sausage, rather than just googling a review and seeing if they say it's good, you can go, "oh my god, they finally created that product we are all hoping for," or "okay I know that looks exciting, but they still really haven't fixed XYZ," or "I don't need to spend any time thinking about that besides checking off a mental checkbox" or "what the hell is that, that is the most interesting thing we have seen in a while, I must learn about it," and so you become a better and more informed consumer both now and in the future

tell a man a phone is 20% faster, help him decide if he should buy it today; show a man that phones are usually 20% faster on average than last year's model but this one is only 8% faster but the price structure is normal so maybe this year purchasing a used model is unusually prudent, help him read a benchmark chart for life

god what the fuck am I talking about

#long post

[wanhedas-dagger]

Do ya'll want a transition update? i haven't made one in a while and things have changed a lot since the last one.

so yeah, as of now, i'm 7+ months on T which is !!!! insane, its so crazy. i have a blood test coming up soon and then a follow-up appointment with the gender clinic to check on my progress and stuff. and i'm gonna switch from gel to shots because i'm sick and tired of putting the gel on every time and i'd rather suck it up with the needles and go on shots.

before i started T, and even a few months into it, i was very much on documenting every change and making update posts and vids and all that. but like. the longer i've been on it, the less i wanna do it. because. because. i don't feel like its something different and exciting anymore. which is actually incredible. it feels very normal and very mundane and like its just me its just a part of me its nothing special and different. me being trans is just a normal thing. and honestly, i never thought i'd reach that point. at least, not this early.

mentally, i feel so much happier. my depression although gets bad from time to time, its in a very different way than before. like before it was intense and heartaching and it made me cry uncontrollably. now its?? a dull ache, an emptiness. and all i wanna do is stay in bed and do nothing. since starting T, i haven't cried even once coz of Feelings. I've cried over fictional stuff but yeah. [side note, it hadn't been harder for me to cry like a lot of guys say]. but bottom line, I'm happier, I'm calmer, more confident, more content. and that's both T in general and also being more myself that it's easing my depression.

here's the kicker though. and its something i realized a couple of weeks ago. i'm happy with my body. fat redistribution is Very Slow duh but i can already see my hips getting less curvy. but uhhhh i'm not impatient for top surgery anymore. i can wait. yes, i still want to yeet the teets and i still hate my tiddies. BUT i don't hate it as much ya know? like i can tolerate it now? probably coz the rest of my body feels more like my own now. and i'm just happy with how things are. i don't mind it as much. my friends see me as a guy, i see me as a guy, my body feels so much more like my own. and like i will happily wait a few more years till top surgery its not my top priority atm. T is my top priority, i love how its changing my body and helping my mental health and just. i just love what its doing for me. i 10000% want top surgery still but i know how long the wait times are or how expensive it is otherwise so i can just wait till i can get it. it doesn't hurt me as much as it used to. now its all chill, i stand in front of the mirror and its like oh look its me.

physical changes under the cut coz Long

lets go top to bottom.

head. so it hasn't been that long. but i think. i think. my hairline, or at least the right corner of it is starting to recede lmao.

face. hair!!! facial hair!!!! i shave it off but theres a lot and i gotta shave every 2-3 days. mostly its the mustache. next is the chin hairs. followed by the jaw. everything else is much more subtle but still needs to be shaved. the texture is also different, it changed a decent amount. its not as soft as it used to be, rougher, but that's about it. idk why or how but my face already looks more masculine. not much, but slightly, i can't explain it i can't point out the specifics but it just does.

shoulders/arms/hands. this is both T and working out. i guess i can put my back in this category too coz its getting more defined and broader. my shoulder + traps be looking Big, rounded shoulders and swole traps. but these two muscle groups have been the easiest for me to build anyways. arms have less fat on them and are finally starting to get more defined. like although my arms have grown even before, my biceps were/are very stubborn but its starting to make progress. and hands!!! my hands are Hotter and Sexier than they've ever been, that is all. they look strong and the veins show more now and oof it looks great.

tummy. the tum tum has a lot to do with working out too but fat redistribution yes. my abs are getting more definition and although my tummy has the most stubborn fat, its getting easier to get the abs to show. i have a good balance of soft fat and bulky muscle going on there and hmmm its kinda sexy. and oh my god hair. tummy hair. i don't just have a happy trail, i have a hairy tummy. which i will shave and clean up soon enough but i will keep the happy trail. i just wanted to see how much hair i'd get on the tummy coz of T.

hips. they be getting smaller. marginally but still ye its better than nothing.

dick. tmi but my dick. my fucking dick. oh my god. my clit was just about visible pre T. i had a very small clit. but within weeks of starting T, it grew. and at one point it was painfully sensitive but now its calmed down. but its big. my guys its so big now. its around an inch (maybe a tiny bit more) long now!!!!!! and gets bigger (and wider) when its hard lololololol. another tmi is the fact that i get infinity wetter now than i used to, there is so so so much more cum. and i actually enjoy penetration now, it feels good now whereas before it felt wrong and awful and made me extremely dysphoric. but now?? hecking love it.

legs. hair!!! my lower leg was always hairy, and it still is the same but just grows a lot faster. i didn't used to get much above my knees. oh god do i do now. my legs are so hairy and i love it. i shave it tho, i shave below the knees coz smooth but i like the hair on the top.

#trans stuff #transition #ftm #testosterone #t progress #personal