#for trying to make an income during a financial fucking crisis

[tippenfunkaport]

That viral post that's going around about how people who write "book quality" mlm fic are too "normal" to publish and have real jobs so only "weird" people publish their "shitty" fanfic is so completely out of touch with reality and I am giving a massive side eye to everyone reblogging it.

Not only is it completely, easily verifiably untrue (you cannot enter any professional writing space without tripping over a dozen grizzled scifi writers who got their start by filing off the serial numbers and publishing their Star Trek fanfic even going back decades ago??? it's a whole thing?? plus how can you look at the mlm category on Amazon right now and say with a straight face that people aren't publishing shitty Spirk and Stucky fanfic??? Oh, honey...) it's also the perfect example of this kind of sneering elitism that true artists would never sully themselves by seeking profit, they do it only for the purity of the thing that always somehow leads back to, "no one should be paid to make art, actually."

The only reason you're seeing more published fanfic right now has nothing to do with the idealistic purity of your hypothetical government employee written smut of the past vs the debased scribbles of those awful straights of today and everything to do with the fact that a) self-publishing has created a voracious readership that wants a ton of content so it's become a viable, flexible income stream for many, especially disabled people b) anyone can publish now with self-publishing tools so there are less gatekeepers and c) lockdown got a lot of people into fandom and therefore writing who never tried it before.

And if you really think there's no "shitty" published mlm and no "book-quality" m/f writing out there that started as fanfic, then you are clearly not a reader so why are you even talking about this?

#love how they manipulated people into spreading that post by making it seem like a cishet vs gay thing #when the real message is OP thinks trying to sell your writing is cringe and 'weird' and 'normal people' with jobs would never #which would of course never have flown on the fandom website #so they played into the queer shipping is purer than cishet shipping puriteen thing #and it worked! #because my god people are gullible #this is the direct pipeline that leads to AI thievery #''normal' people write for the joy of it anyway so why do you need pay? you are just greedy and 'weird'!' #'oh no this isn't about who we get to call cringe and who gets to profit from art it's about um... #(quick what's a hated m/f ship?).. oh uh 'shitty' REYLO #and not our super pure uh... (spirk is still popular right? lets throw in that avengers one too to make it seem timely) stucky!' #I'm sorry if I have no sense of humor about this but the year is 2024 and people are still way too ready to sneer #about writers trying to earn a fucking living in the shittiest timeline #and i need you to look deep into yourself and ask you why it's so important to you to tell yourself that only people writing what you like #are 'normal' with real jobs and to vilify everyone else as 'weird' and 'shitty' #for trying to make an income during a financial fucking crisis #i would say sorry for ranting about this but I'm not sorry because wtf #write whatever you want #publish whatever you want #there is no moral fucking purity in what the content is #and one thing certainly doesn't make you more 'weird' or 'normal' than the other #like there is soooo much shitty mlm that started as fanfic??? #that post is 100% OP made up some guys to get mad about and called them relyos for the clicks #writing #publishing #writblr #writeblr #i wasn't going to tag this anything but you know what fuck it I'm mad #i had like 5 more tags but tumblr cut me off which is fair 😅 #fan fiction

[voicesfromthepicket]

Kendall, Literature & Creative Writing PhD Student, UC Santa Cruz

I joined the Department of Literature 8 years ago, one of two applicants accepted into the second ever cohort of the Creative/Critical Concentration. I received a GSI appointment in Creative Writing my second quarter here, and have continued to contribute a significant number of courses as the Instructor of Record in my primary field. Even back in 2015, I discovered what my newer colleagues know all too well: Santa Cruz is ensnared in a housing crisis and escalating costs of living. I moved seven times in three years (including tenuous Craigslist sublets & crashing on friends’ couches during summer months) before being fortunate enough to find a tenable living situation. Relative housing security has come with its own costs, however, including structural issues with plumbing, roofing, and appliances; significant rat infestations; a revolving door of five other housemates; and safety concerns related to vandalism and trespassing.

The irony of preparing lesson plans on Virginia Woolf’s “A Room of One’s Own”—in which Woolf predicates intellectual productivity on adequate material conditions—while I struggled to make a home here is not lost on me.

Over the years, I have also had to supplement my UC income with a number of side hustles ranging from retail to catering, housekeeping to intensive high school summer programs.

I share all this not because my experience is the exception, but because it is the norm for graduate students who want to exist, let alone thrive, in Santa Cruz. Consequently, many of my cohort members chose alternative paths.

At least three of my peers quit or transferred within our first year. After two years, I was the only local member of my cohort. And more than any personal financial stability, I mourned this loss of community, a vital creative force.

So I pull hard on this slack, trying to produce for my students what Santa Cruz has failed to produce for me. The space of the classroom is a community—a microcosm of society—what bell hooks would call a “contact zone.”

When I ask my creative writing students to share and respond to one another’s work, I am really asking them to be good neighbors.

When I invite my students to revel in the excess of poetic language, I am really inviting them to honor difference & multiplicity.

When I require my students to revise their submissions, I am really requiring them to re-envision, to imagine, to, as Ezra Pound has said, “make new.”

I want the role of higher public education to be practicing the conditions of change that will bolster more compassionate citizens, more critical thinkers, and more daring makers against a pretty fucked up world.

And I believe striking graduate student workers and researchers want the same. I believe this so strongly that it was worth being effectively fired for 3 quarters as a result of participating in the wildcat strike, and I believe this so strongly that I strike again, out of love. It is because I love teaching and writing at this university that I demand the UC do better. I would not be doing my job if I didn’t strike—if I did not hold the UC accountable to the same values to which I hold my students.

Don’t get me wrong—I strike because I do want the UC to straight up give me more money. I am exhausted by having to choose between repairing my car or paying my medical bills. I am angry with a system that tells me with every trip to the food pantry when I’m broke at the end of a month that I don’t matter, that Literature doesn’t matter.

But I also strike for my students, my kindred meaning-makers.

I strike for my faculty mentors, whose seminars & research have radicalized me.

I strike for my friends at other, increasingly corporatized universities.

I strike for my parents, who know nothing about poetry, but who have nonetheless instilled in me that anything worth having is worth taking risks for.

And, as grandiose at it might sound, I strike for the future of quality higher education.

I hope you will, too.

#literature #ucsc #uaw on strike #cola4all

[indig0g0]

If you are so against theft, why you friends with gabriel tho? There has been HOW MUCH evidence against him? I don't know, Newt. Seems Pretty Sus To Me. SEEMS LIKE YOU ARE TRYING TO TAKE THE HEAT OFF THE CURRENT SHIT AGAINST GABE I'M JUST SAYING-

Hi kids, first of all! His name is GABRIEL! Calling him not his name, when he doesn’t like it! Is just like misgendering! Anyway! Lets sit down for this! I was waiting for you (or maybe it was someone else!) to come back for this!

Did you know that its possible, as an adult human being, to disagree with everyone in a situation? Did you also know.... That there’s a difference.... Between using the same concepts? And OUTRIGHT TRACING SOMEONE’S ART? Did you know...... That there was more to the story... than bo’s callout post made it out to be? Did you know there was a third whole design in the mix?

Also before we get started I want to state that as a 25 year old man, who has been in multiple different art communities. You cannot steal a concept. You cannot steal a concept. YOU CANNOT STEAL A CONCEPT. There are 800 trolls with white porcelain masks! There are 800 trans masc jadeblood trolls! These are all concepts! Iridescence as a concept! Is a CONCEPT.

Opalescence is a concept that is similar but different to iridescence.

ANYWAY!!!

LETS SIT DOWN FOR THE WHOLE STORY BECAUSE BOY HAVE I HAD ENOUGH OF BEING ASKED WHERE I STAND ON THIS!

Okay! So! Here’s the thing (the thing! Which I got from someone who WASN’T either Bo or Gabriel! Surprise! There’s AN OUTSIDE PARTY!)

Bo made an iridescent adopt! Gabriel wanted the adopt! But Liam bought the adopt first! Whatever! That’s the end of it of whatever that is! Bo and Gabriel stopped being friends in this time, i think, but that’s not my fucking business because i’m 25 years old and other people’s interpersonal problems aren’t my fucking business!!

Its reasonable here, then, to like the concept behind a design right? And you you probably think “oh this is where gabriel ripped off cosmit, right?” and you’d be wrong!

We’re going to cut to my favorite third party, a loving friend and wonderful person... Echo! Who makes adopts! As a source of income!

Who was like! Hey party people! Suggest themes for me to use in my next batch! of adopts! and now you think... oh... here comes opal.. WRONG AGAIN!

So what happened was... gabriel had been like “i saw this cool iridescent design, and the concept was really cool! maybe you should do an opalescent design!” and echo was like oh fuck yeah i’d love to do that! and so.... they did. Now i’m sure you’re thinking..... Oh it’s Opal!

Except. Actually it wasn’t.

The opalescent (NOT iridescent, they aren’t the same if you were wondering!) troll Echo original made? One of the ones that bo linked in their call out? Isnt opal.

It’s the original opalescent design that echo made! Which they.. Kept! That’s their Magiro!

This is magiro on the end! This is the original design!

this image? the girl on the bottom? THATS FUCKING MAGIRO. THAT IS ART. FROM ECHO’S BLOG. OF ECHO’S CHARACTER.

which looks..... NOTHING like...

this absurdly small screenshot i also pilfered from bo’s callout post! Of cosmit!

Who’s sprites I will not post out of respect for Liam because I have not asked him if I can use it! But the original is necessary so it’s here anyway. (I have permission from Echo to post the originals here! FYI!)

Now because they ended up keeping Magiro! They said! I’ll make you one for free with the same general concept! And lo!

Opal was born! This was the design that Echo did for gabriel! This is opal! As you can see... She looks nothing like cosmit! Except for the fact that she has

dark skin is meant to be black coded and has a similar theme. she even has a nose rings You can see it under her glasses!

and so these are the sprites Gabriel made based off the design ECHO made him

‘

Now! Here’s where it gets hinky!

Here’s where I don’t agree with either party!

Bo and Liam were upset that Gabriel (and Gabriel alone) apparently ripped off Opal! I don’t see it, and I don’t think you can steal a concept either! But whatever theyre adults they can make their own conclusions!

Now where I don’t agree with Gabriel is... Gabriel started making posts (after being told he was accused the first time, idk by who) about Opal being the BEST opalescent troll in the community! Which is fucked up! It’s immature and I was upset with him for it! And then it spiralled a little!

Gabriel got a call out blog made about him for reasons OTHER than opal! The callout blog tried to bring up opal! Liam made a public statement that he and gabriel were handling it privately! And I thought that was going to be that on that!

or was it!

So in private, and bo’s “call out” will confirm this, the whole party eventually agreed that Gabriel would be making edits to opal to make her theme different instead of white opalescent blah blah, this all is NOT my business and frankly I don’t fucking care.

My problem comes in when it become not enough for bo that Gabriel to make changes to or stop using Opal altogether and started... Boxing gabriel into a new solution? Because Gabriel apparently wasn’t bending over backwards enough? I don’t fucking know! It’s not my fucking business! DURING a time of crisis. DURING. BO DID THIS WHEN GABRIEL WAS ALREADY IN A POSITION TO HAVE A HARD TIME SAYING NO. THIS IS FUCKED UP NO? But! I don’t know how you can post screenshots of you saying “You’re having a bad time because of this tropical storm about to rock your shit and I hate you and want you to go away Take this Hilariously Low sum of money for a character with tons of art and effort” and then think you’re like. In the right here? Bo admits they were stupid angry and that they cancelled the deal on a whim IN Their call out post! And then turned around, in their anger, and started threatening gabriel ! That’s literally blackmailing him! Because he wasn’t doing what they wanted! it’s all literally in the post! I read the whole thing! Gabriel came back with a counter, which was getting rid of Opal altogether including making the replacement in the story NOT black coded, NOT a woman (explicitly stated to be transmasc for the new concept), No piercings etc.

Bo then, later AGAIN during a time of Financial and real life crisis (their confrontation was sent within HOURS of the announcement of another hurricane about to rock houston) decided to turn around and verbally berate Gabriel about how he failed to deliver his apology, turned around, and tried to post a largely evidence-less call out about him.

The reason for Bo doing this?

Gabriel reblogged female-coded aesthetic into the tag. And that was all the proof Bo needed that GABRIEL IS A LIAR BLAH BLAH

heres the thing.

gabriel and i are in a different artist’s server together.

Gabriel has posted the wip of the new design into the server. I’ve seen it. with my own two fucking eyes.

in fact. the new design. BARELY EVEN LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING TROLL AT ALL

IT LOOKS NOTHING LIKE COSMIT

IT DOESNT EVEN FUCKING LOOK LIKE OPAL

BO WENT OFF THE RAILS

FOR LITERALLY NO FUCKING REASON

AND NOW A BUNCH OF 17 YEAR OLDS ON TUMBLR

ARE TRYING TO RUIN NOT ONLY HIS LIVELIHOODS, BUT ALSO EVERYONE AROUND HIM

OVER A DESIGN THAT WAS 3 CONCEPTS REMOVED FROM THE ORIGINAL

ANYWAY TLDR: they both handled this extremely poorly! I do NOT agree with Gabriel’s handling of Bo’s and Liam’s initial concerns! But I SUPER don’t agree with “i own blackcoded opalescent characters as a concept bc i said so” and but mostly?

I really disagree with bo’s attempts to use the crisis of a TROPICAL STORM to solicit the response THEY ALONE wanted.

THIS is why I have bo blocked. I could give a shit LESS about all the other bullshit. Do I like it? No. It is my business? no.

But the sheer fucking LACK OF EMPATHY displayed here is FUCKING ASTOUNDING.

Theres actually OTHER reasons I don’t like bo, which are all 100% unrelated to all this fucking horse shit! But that’s my fucking business!! anyway!! fuck off!!

#newtnewt #read this if you want #i've been effectively blacklisted from the community since that one toddler called gabriel out in april anyway so what do i really have to l #drama #i fucking GUESS #Anonymous

[extemporaneousmusings]

2020 reflections below

To be honest, 2020 has been the best year I’ve had since 2016. Obviously on a global scale it has been absolutely devastating, and there are aspects of my life that were significantly impacted by the pandemic—I had to leave Greece suddenly in March, several months earlier than anticipated, and in doing so lost some crucial time that I was supposed to have spent with the physical materials of my dissertation—but on a personal level this year has been the most stable and comfortable I’ve been since my accident in 2017. I was not dealing with a massive physical or mental health crisis, or the immediate aftermaths of either of those things, and that is something I do not take lightly.

I spent the first 3 months of the year hiking across Greece, basically. It was really tough—I was pretty depressed, although my meds had just been boosted so I was feeling better than I had in fall of 2019, and obviously missing Ian and Macy was not an easy thing to sit with—but I did it! I had literally planned my entire life for the past 5 years around this time in Greece, and even though we didn’t completely finish the program and the scheduled trips, I still accomplished what I set out to do: I was able to do the hikes and got to explore the country that I love. After my accident, my sole goal was to be able to get my ankle to a place where I could do the program. It was really fucking hard, and there’s still so much more work I can do on my ankle (which is a source of deep resentment for me, something I’m working on) but at the end of the day, I got myself to a place where I could, with some difficulty, do this really physically strenuous thing that had been such a major goal of mine for years. I got to travel the Greek countryside and see hundreds of archaeological sites in a way that is basically impossible unless you’re doing it with the American School. Mentally I was not as present as I would have liked to be, which is something I think I’ll always regret, but I gave it all I had, mentally and physically. Even if I am hazy on a lot of the details, I’ll remember the exultant physical sensations of reaching a peak and taking in the view below, the sweet succulent taste of oranges in the height of their season, plucked straight off the tree, searching every museum for my pots, pushing myself physically to the limit every day but still being able to wake up and do it again the next, trying regional cuisine from across the country, and the camaraderie that all of us built together on that bus and on those hikes. And of course, the saving grace and defining point of the school year for me was spending time with Ev. He already was one of my best friends, so the opportunity to go on this adventure together was so exciting, but he really kept me sane, made me laugh with his stupid fucking jokes, stayed in the back of the pack with me when I was having especially bad ankle days, and our companionship brought me so much joy and support. It’s very likely that we’ll never live in the same place together again, and I will always cherish the time we had together this past year.

My life since returning to Cincy in March has been very stable and consistent. Except for having to TA on campus on Friday’s during the fall, we’ve both just been at home. E’s been out of a job the whole time, but we are very lucky that (bc Cincy is so affordable) just my grad student salary has been able to financially support us. Money is tight, all my savings are gone after Macy’s surgery in July, but we are very lucky to have support systems to rely upon should we need to (fingers crossed we won’t), and that for now, just my income alone can pay all of the bills so that Ian does not have to be on the front lines at the bar, physically interacting with everyone who is still comfortable and selfish enough to be out partying during a global pandemic.

The biggest joy for me of this year was getting to spend 8 beautiful months with Macy. We had her for 3 months before I left for Greece last September, but I feel so blessed to have had more time with the three of us as a family this year, and to spend so much uninterrupted time with her because we were just in the apartment all of the time. I’ve written what seems like a lot about losing her, so I’m not really going to dwell on it, but despite her death I am still so happy to have had the time with her that I did, and to have loved and been so loved in return. I’m hopeful that I can build a relationship with Lulu like I had with Macy, and that as she settles in and settles down, and becomes secure in this new home, that our new family of three can thrive. Another element to this is the fact that basically our only physical socialization with friends came from going on dog walks, mainly with S&D. Since March we’ve seen them almost weekly and it’s been such a good routine and way to see them safely. We’ll all be getting more of a workout with Lulu, though. She’s much more intense about walks than Macy was.

When I first got back from Greece, I needed to just luxuriate in being home, and shortly after that I fell into the hockey rabbit hole. Which has been lovely, truly! I had been feeling a bit stagnant fandom wise, and it was so nice to have a whole new world opened to me, and to see a bunch of my mutuals all going through the process simultaneously was so fun. I still haven’t written anything, and I’m definitely not as involved as a lot of people, but I’ve never been someone who is super funny in quippy posts or makes a lot of connections quickly. But I’ve really been enjoying it, and I’m hoping that in 2021 I’ll be able to post some fic and make some more friends. My ephemeral relationships with people on tumblr have been important to me for many years, but I definitely have appreciated it the most this past year. Tumblr is a really big part of my life, and I love interacting with people/when people interact with my personal posts. It’s nice to have found a little pocket of the internet where I am safe and comfortable and around people I genuinely like.

Getting into hockey did divert my attention from my mental health, and the ways it was impacting my work, for a solid two months, though. I very much used it as a crutch to avoid some bigger issues that needed my focus, which I was diverting to think about big men fucking each other. In August I started seeing a therapist again. We had worked together briefly after my manic episode, because my old therapist had gotten a new job so she took me on for like a month before I left for Greece, and working with her again has been so helpful. I am so fortunate to have healthcare through grad school that makes going to therapy extremely affordable. It’s seriously been a saving grace for me. By working on my mental health consistently I have brought myself to a better, more stable and comfortable place than I’ve been in in years, and I feel empowered to continue on this path to keep accumulating skills and mental fortitude to help me in the future.

As a result of my consistent work on my mental heath, I’ve also been able to develop a much better, healthier relationship with work/my research more specifically. This summer I was in a place where I felt like it was impossible for me to write my proposal, let alone an actual dissertation, but I did write my proposal! And I’ve been building up routines and stamina and now feel like I actually can get this PhD. Which is great. I know it’s not going to be easy, and that I have a lot of difficulty ahead of me still, but I feel very confident in my ideas, and I am so much better equipped to handle things than before.

So yeah, I think that’s pretty much it. For 2021, I want to just keep going in the path that I’ve been forging for myself. The next things I’ll be focusing on are more intentionally working with my ankle, to try and alleviate the somewhat antagonistic relationship I have with it, and to feel more physically capable. I think that re-integrating yoga into my life will be big here, it’s been really helpful for me before, but I’ve let it slip, and then we’ll see what else I can do to help with this. I also want to continue to reinforce a work routine that suits me and maintain/adjust it when I (almost certainly) make the move back to Athens in September. And finally, I really want to post some TK/Patty fic! I have some ideas, some word docs, some (imo) well-selected lyrics for titles, and I just need to dig in a little more and try and unclench my mental knot of perfectionism, as I’ve been learning to ease it with regards to work stuff.

#personal #I think this is actually the first end of year reflections post I've made on here #in the like 9 years I've had this blog #much to reflect on this year I guess

[amphtaminedreams]

If We Can’t Have the Parties, At Least We Have the Coats: Lookbook no.13

Hi to anyone reading,

It’s been a weird winter, right?

A winter that I REALLY did not need to buy as many clothes for as I have. You WILL save loads of money during this lockdown, I told myself. You WILL. And yet here I am in December, in exactly the same financial position I was in March. You would think that making the switch to an environmentally friendly wardrobe would mean I own less but now I no longer have the guilt of supporting fast fashion to hold me back, I’ve accumulated more clothes than ever. Part of a sustainable wardrobe is also about reducing your consumption so now I’ve mostly made the move towards only supporting transparent companies/small businesses, I can move onto the buying less part. I haven’t thrown any clothes away but still, I am not the clothes rescuer I think I am-more just an overdraft abuser. To add to that, for those of us actually following the rules (half the people I went to secondary school with flaunting their apparently unaffected social lives on Instagram, I’m looking at you) there aren’t actually all that many opportunities to wear new outfits. Not to go too first world problems, but it is a little shit when getting dressed up and doing your makeup is one of the things that you do to help you feel a little better, especially when the seasonal (and situational in these times) depression kicks in.

So yes, I have been extra af recently and combatted this with the decision to start making an effort to outfit plan for the most basic of tasks. We’re talking a full face of makeup and accessories for going into town to get a coffee or to meet a friend for a walk. I mean, I still go to Tesco in my trackies but if I’m seeing somebody else, I am sure as hell going to treat it as a reason to wear something nice. See the winter outfits section of the lookbook as your inspiration to do the same because I can guarantee you the sense of normality forcing yourself to take makeup off at the end of the day brings will actually make you feel a lot better. Genuinely the mark of exceptional times. We’ve also got the few days relief period over Christmas in the UK where we’re allowed to mix with a maximum of 3 other households, and ignoring the fact that it doesn’t really make any sense given that the number of people you could end up mixing with depends on the size of the households and is realistically completely arbitrary (I have a lot of feelings about how fucking moronic half the decisions this government has been making are but then again, what’s new?), I’m sure those of you with big families are gonna be partying. I’m only spending Christmas with my immediate family but I thought I’d put some more festive outfits together anyway. I know, I know, it sounds like I’m just bullshitting an explanation as to why I put this lookbook together when in reality I’m trying to make myself feel better about the damage to my bank account buuuut it really is more a case of being inspired by my Depop finds and if you are trying to quit fast fashion, I can’t recommend the app enough (especially if you know what you’re looking for). As I did in the last lookbook, I will make sure to include the tags of all the people I bought these pieces from but I also thought it might be helpful to make a note of some of the descriptors I used to find them so you can get more of an idea how to find the things you’re looking for too, as well as prices. I did include the names of the shops I bought the few fast fashion items I styled from too, mostly earlier this year or at some point over the last couple of years, on the basis that they may be a useful search prompt if you’re looking for something similar or the exact item-the majority are no longer available (disclaimer: I haven’t bought anything from Boohoo in a longgg time) to buy but you might be able to find an account that’s selling a used version. Don’t be put off by that-I’ve had to wash a couple of pieces but for the most part, that hasn’t been necessary. Charity shops usually wash things before they put them out, so you have nothing to worry about there either-I expect that they’re particularly thorough at the moment considering the COVID crisis.

Enough rambling from me for now! Enjoy!

-(SOCIALLY DISTANCED) PARTY SZN LOOKS-

Powder Blue Wide Brim Felt Hat/Fedora: £16.99

Structured White Mesh Oh Polly Mini Dress w/Ruched Detail: £27

Black PVC Beret w/Red Flame Detail: £14

Red Fit and Flare Dress w/Satin Corset & Tulle Skirt: £12

Black PVC Vintage Platform Boots w/Red Flame Detail: £27

White Satin Corset w/Straps: £8

Pinstripe Cropped Blazer Co-ord Set: £12.50

Oh Mighty Strappy Contrast Corset: £27

Contrast Check Cigarette Trousers: £15

Pink Topshop Gingham Blazer Co-ord Set BNWT: £35

White Strappy Corset w/Suspender Detail: £10

White PVC Beret w/Black Flame Detail: £14

Reworked Strappy Patchwork Sports Cropped Tee: £10

Black Combat Cargo Trousers: £5

Strappy Tie-dye Pretty Little Thing Corset BNWT: £15

PVC/Vinyl Zip-up Mini Skirt w/Belt Detail: £9

White Satin Cowl Neck Mini Slip Dress: £8

Urban Outfitters ‘90s Style Celestial Print Mesh Babydoll Dress: £15

-(SOMETIMES PRACTICAL) COAT SZN LOOKS-

UNIF Colour Block Oversized Jumper/Sweater: £25

Topshop Dark Wash Denim Kick Flare Jeans w/Frayed Hem Detail: £16

Vintage ‘70s Style Brown Faux Suede Western Blazer/Jacket: £15

Black Velvet High Neck Bodysuit w/Keyhole Detail: £4

Topshop Paisley Print Chiffon Midi Dress: £15

Brandy Melville Cropped Motorcross Slogan Slogan Tee: £13.60

Ragged Priest Gingham Cargo/Combat Trousers w/Utility Style Buckle Detailing: £33

Black Kappa Logo Beanie: £12

White Platform FILA Disruptors in Good Condition: £55

Black Fur Bucket Hat: £8

Celestial Silver Moon Detail Chain Belt: £18

Black Satin Cowl Neck Detail Midi Slip Dress: £15

Floral Print Platform Boots: £10

Blue Denim ASOS High Rise Mom Jeans: £12

Brown Vintage ‘70s Style Afghan Coat w/Fur Trim: £25

Teal Wide Brim Felt Hat/Fedora: £10

Topshop Floral Print A-Line Jacquard Mini Skirt: £7

Lana Del Rey Screen Printed T-Shirt: £9.99

Vintage Corduroy Contrast Stripe Trousers w/Kick Flare: £28

Anyone that read to the end, thank you so much as always and I hope this shows just how many in-trend pieces you can find second hand! I know I'm SUPER far behind to the point where it’s closer to the F/W2021 shows now than it is since the S/S2021 collections were showcased but I decided I am going to do a full length fashion week review. I also have a few moodboards planned and my next is gonna be one focussing purely on plus sized fashion as the feedback that I got from my New Style Icons post was that I could have included more bigger girls; I am so, so, SO passionate about body positivity and fat acceptance, especially since I know my own relationship with my body would be so much better if this kind of movement was more prominent when I was younger, so I don’t for a minute want anyone to think it was my intention to be exclusionary in any way. It bears repeating that I genuinely appreciate feedback in any form (as long as it’s not too mean and presumptive, lol) and I hope the next post doesn’t disappoint! It hasn’t been a good year for cinema due to COVID having lead to theatre closures, however I still do want to do another film tier ranking in the new year as that is something I really enjoyed doing last time. Any more suggestions are welcome!

As always, my inbox is always open if you need someone to talk to or just wanna chat about a post:-) I am constantly on the look out for new blogs to follow and people to interact with so any communication is welcome. I’m not sure if I’ll get another post finished before we enter 2021, SO I wanna say that I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and that this shitshow of a year DOES come to an end at 11:59PM on the 31st because THOSE MEMES ABOUT IT TURNING DECEMBER THE 32ND ARE NOT FUNNY! Here’s to our second attempt at our first year of the roaring twenties (because this past year it feels like we skipped them and went straight to The Great Depression, the likely incoming recession denial is real) and to happier times and good health for everyone.

Lauren x

DISCLAIMER: Background in the first 2 images are mine, others are not. I found them on Pinterest so not sure of the artists but if you do know, drop me a message so I can credit them!

#lookbook #outfit of the week #outfit of the day #ootd #fashion #style #fashion inspo #fashion blogger #style inspo #sustainability #sustainable fashion #depop #clothes #grunge style #grunge aesthetic #winter #winter fashion #cosy #alt #aesthetics #vintage #vintage style #70s #y2k #90s

[arabellaflynn]

Hello, all. It has been a rough pandemic.

As you may have figured, since I am in the performing arts, I have been completely out of work since this shitshow began. The earliest venues will open up here in MA is September, which is not helpful for me, because I need to be out of my current place by 8/31. No one will rent to me on my Patreon income, so I've been trying to figure out how to supplement that with other online work.

My first thought, frankly, was camming. I'm attractive and I know that, and I don't care about being naked in "public". I have a lot of opinions on the legitimacy and legalization of sex work, but making a statement would be a convenient bonus; I'd be in it for the tips. As the appliance menagerie on the Flintstones used to say, "Eh. It's a living."

The best camera I currently have is attached to the slightly-less ancient laptop. You know, the one with the broken hinge that won't hold the screen up on the right. Only the wifi on that computer has quit working. The onboard chip was always kind of flaky, but for some reason it has chosen now to deteriorate to the point where it no longer acknowledges a router on the other side of the goddamn wall. Shooting in the living room with an ethernet cable is not an option, because another housemate is already doing that.

I bought a dual-band USB wifi adapter with antenna. It's a Realtek chip -- not gold-plated, but also not total junk. I specifically checked to make sure it worked with Ubuntu Bionic before I ordered. I have now installed three separate sets of drivers in three completely different ways, read everything ever written about this on AskUbuntu, and still the computer refuses to acknowledge its existence. Not even if I blacklist the onboard chip to keep it from falling back into previous bad habits.

The other elderly laptop (with the working wifi) has a cam that tops out at 640 x 480, which I suppose might squeak by as a tiny facecam on Twitch, or for tutoring where no one cares about pixelization. The microphone, however, is crap. It's a tinny omni on the screen bezel that likes room noise more than my voice. I don't have an external microphone, and there's no onboard Bluetooth for my wireless headset. So I bought a USB Bluetooth adapter, which this computer is ignoring as hard as the other one is the wifi dongle. I have a wired headset with a mic, but because this computer is probably mere months too old to know what to do with an inline mic on the same jack as the output signal, it doesn't register at all.

The camera on my phone is potato quality, because that is honestly about how much the phone cost. Ditto the refurb Kindle. Neither is smart enough to keep up with streaming video, which I found out when I tried to do a video rehearsal for something months ago. 

I have no place to do any kind of professional non-entertainment streaming work (e.g., tutoring) with my terrible equipment in any event. I don't own a desk. If a free desk appeared on my doorstep tomorrow, I would have nowhere to put it. My bedroom is small enough to contravene the Geneva Convention requirements for POW cells and I'm basically stuck in here, for reasons of both air conditioning and not having to interact with a house full of people who very much want me gone.

What I do have is a set of working emulators and some free video editing software, so I decided to take a stab at a subtitled Let's Play. I can certainly ramble on for 30 or so hours of Final Fantasy II. At the very least it'll give me something scheduled to do. So I pulled everything out and set it up, only to find that my controller was "pining for the fjords" -- no lights, no acknowledgement from RetroArch, no response to any button presses.

...

...okay, well, at least we're down to a level of equipment I can afford to replace. So I am waiting for the mail carrier to bring me another $10 gamepad, whilst stuck in bureaucratic hell. I'm down to emergency public assistance, which keeps asking me to send them random documents, inconveniently one at a time. Even when I can submit them online I'm required to wait a minimum of 2-3 business days before a human can look at them. I'm trying to not be mad -- they are clearly horribly overworked -- but it also leaves me with a lot of time to do nothing but busy-wait. They've finally decided I'm destitute enough for food stamps, so now I have to sit on my hands until the card arrives in the mail.

The chronic, crushing lack of resources is not helped by (or helping) the fact that I'm just not functioning very well. I was already on the edge of disintegration when the lockdown orders hit anyway; I was taking every piece of work I could find in an effort to scrape together enough for first/last/deposit on a new apartment, and honestly that's more than I can handle. I can consistently get to about 20 hours of "stuff that can't be done while in bed, wearing pajamas" per week, with occasional spikes up to about 30, before I start losing the ability to take care of myself. I skip showers, let my living space become a complete disaster area, and go to bed without dinner because the whole process of choosing something to eat, preparing it, eating it, and cleaning up after myself is so overwhelming that I just burst into tears and don't do it. I fed the rats twice a day and cleaned their cage once or twice a week, but couldn't manage to do the same for myself.

It's difficult to explain to people the state of being physically and mentally exhausted without also being sweaty and shaky from muscle fatigue. Perhaps the single most salient example I can give is lying in bed at night and realizing I kind of vaguely needed to pee. Not like urgently -- just enough that I knew if I didn't, I'd wake up the next day with an uncomfortably full bladder. Then just lying there anyway, not because I thought suffering was noble or I deserved it or anything idiotic like that, but just because taking care of it would involve standing up, walking into another room, and initiating a new task, and I did not have the capacity to do any of those things.

If you suggest I start making a to-do list, I will sit down right now and invent a brand new Blunt Object Transfer Protocol (botp://) expressly for the purpose of punching you, personally, in the face over the goddamn internet. I will even credit you in the patent application. I will not share the licensing profits, which judging from social media right now, would be approximately all of the money on the face of the Earth. I do not need "life hacks". 

What I really need is a case worker, or possibly a babysitter, or just to have shown up at the ER about two months ago, because that is the only way I have ever found to get people to pay attention when I ask for help. Otherwise I get triaged out of sight and out of mind -- they ask if I'm suicidal, I tell them no, they tell me 'okay, here's a prescription for six Xanax and a packet of resources, go home and fix it yourself'. I'm just like, you sons of bitches, do you think I don't know how to Google things? If I could fix this on my own, I wouldn't be talking to you. Except I can't right now, because plague.

Everyone wants to fob me off on someone else. I was referred to an SSDI attorney by a friend, because frankly that's where I'm at right now. I wrote to them, specifically mentioning his name and the associate who helped him, and explained that I was basically a vegetable and I needed help applying for disability. I'm a college-educated suburban white girl, who grew up hearing her parents make rude jokes about welfare queens -- I have no idea how any of this works and I'm so broken I kept losing my place in a blanket whose pattern was literally "knit-purl-knit-purl to end of row; turn work over; repeat". Their response was "Sounds like you need some help applying for SSDI/SSI disability. Here's the website for the Boston Bar Association, good luck!" Crisis lines of both the psychiatric and financial varieties keep directing me to one of two national clearinghouse sites for social support services, both of which direct me to each other, because neither has any programs in my area.

I am trying really, really hard not to resent the ever-loving fuck out of anyone who has any sort of support system right now. One housemate has almost the exact same list of medical problems that I do, and is also completely out of work right now. She is married to the one who has a grown-up salaried WFH IT job, and will never have to worry about having a roof over her head or food in the cabinets. The single housemate has supportive family literally a five minute walk down the street; if she ever gets her feet kicked out from under her, she can stay with them temporarily while she scrambles back up. Another friend yote out to California right before lockdown to stay with his family. A local offered to help me with paperwork, then ghosted me intermittently before explaining that he was having a hard time himself right now and barely had the capacity for his own life. I have an elderly rat, no more savings, and no options.

I don't even know how I'm going to move the little I own. How do you even ask people to do that in the middle of a pandemic? If I don't have the money to move, I definitely don't have the money for a moving company, and I'm envisioning all of my community-minded friends pursing their lips in judgement and declining because like all the good people they are diligently social distancing.

I have also discovered, while hauling an empty suitcase out to Watertown and a full one back home again, that I do not cope well with face masks. It's fine if I'm not doing much, especially if I'm in a climate-controlled space like a store or the T, but as soon as I exert myself at all, I see spots. And no, it is not a matter of "just get used to it"; I have tested this by trying to wear a mask during my home workouts. It is just stuffy enough under there, and there is just enough reduction in air flow, that the world keeps going all film-grainy and dark on the sides, which I know from experience is the first step on a very short path to the Magical Land of Syncope. I had to stop during the outdoor trek and sit on the suitcase about twice a block through the commercial district, where it stayed on because there were people. This was when it was 72 whole degrees out (and the AC is generally on 74°F inside) which doesn't bode well for moving my heavy shit around in late August. 

I'm normally good at catching things at the weird-vision stage, although enough random strangers and T employees have asked me if I'm okay that I have to assume I look as ill as I feel at that point. And I have an absolutely tragic talent for talking people out of calling emergency services when I do actually keel over, but everyone is so health-panicked that I don't think it would work right now. I know what's happened and why, but I can't exactly communicate that to bystanders when I'm unconscious. As nice as EMS is, I don't feel like waking up to a round of Twenty Questions ("How many fingers am I holding up? Who's the President? Do you have a seizure disorder?"). So I just don't go out.

Alison over at Ask A Manager got a question about this the other day that suggests this is considered legitimate can't-(always-)wear-a-mask territory, and I am able to wear a mask where required in MA, which is indoors/during interactions with other people when it's actually useful, so I don't have any qualms on the scientific or legal front. I have just never been a good judge of how much potential peril/damage it's "reasonable" to put up with, and I don't have the capacity to explain myself over and over again a million times a day. 

I'm fucking tired. I'm tired of covid, I'm tired of living in a big glitzy continent-spanning banana republic, I'm tired of anxiety, I'm tired of other people carping at me to do things I can't in order to fix their anxiety for them, I'm tired of not having the space to dance, I'm tired of asking for help before things fall apart and being told 'well, come back when it is an emergency', and most of all I'm tired of this cycle where I tell myself "I'm going to stop being lazy! I'm going to put on my big-girl pants and wake up early and work 40 hours a week and support myself like an adult!" and then fail at it again because I just do not have the capacity to do that. I do not know how to make the system understand that I need some kind of support right now. 

Sorry for yet another depressing update, but that's where I am right now.

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[walriding]

☕️🧙🏼‍♂️✈️💻💳💸🛠🤖🌯🏢🌗👮🏼‍♂️🌎💊🌡🔪🔫🧖🏽🗣💪🏼

star wars hcs || accepting

alright let’s go lesbians

☕️- Do they drink caf or tea? If so, how do they take it?

      Caf -- preferably with an obscene amount of sugar in it, when it’s available. Tea is alright if he just wants something warm, but caf is a more effective wakeup. And hot chocolate is there for when he doesn’t even want the energy, just the sweetness.

🧙🏼‍♂️- Do they believe in the Force? What is their opinion of Jedi in general?

      Before Murkoff -- no. He grew up on a planet with historical ties to the dark side, but most of what he learned in school and heard from friends always sounded like legends more than anything. And it always seemed so far-fetched that people could wield this vast, universe-binding power. Aside from that, the Force wasn’t something that ever concerned him. Going to Coruscant for university gave him access to more archives and resources, and was able to find out more about the Jedi and their former ties to the Republic. Presuming most records and texts outlining the ways of the Jedi are no longer publicly accessible, Miles doesn’t know enough about them to form much of an opinion. Generally, he doesn’t like people who consider themselves to be above others -- and if he knew about more of their practices (and failings) his viewpoint likely wouldn’t be very positive. His frustration over the New Republic’s refusal to act against the growing threat of the First Order was career shattering, so he’d probably feel seemingly aggravated over the Jedi’s positions.

      After Murkoff, he doesn’t have much of a choice but to believe in the Force. Even if he does do his damnedest to ignore it.

✈️- Are they a decent pilot? What do they like the fly the best?

      Absolutely not. He’s leery of heights so he doesn’t like flying, and the claustrophobia of prolonged space travel gets to him rather quickly. He usually sucks it up because having to move between planets tends to be inevitable, but he’d prefer a land vehicle any day.

💻- How are they at code slicing?

      Not the best, not the worst. Miles can bypass certain measures -- locked doors, computers with simple security -- but nothing overly complicated. He won’t be reprogramming droids anytime soon, for example. Most of the time, if he’s in need of encrypted information, it’s either coming from one of his contacts, or he’s buying it off of a more skilled slicer.

💳- What is something that they would never do for any amount of credits?

      Generally speaking, anything Miles does for credits is something he’d be doing himself for free. His morals can’t be bought, and he’d rather be broke than do something he’d regret.

💸- What is their financial situation? How do they make their living?

      A little better-off than he is in his mainverse, just because he held a steady gig for longer, but he’s still firmly working class. He makes his credits from freelance work nowadays, and from the occasional payments made for funneling intel to the Resistance. The latter doesn’t happen often as he rarely wants to be repaid for what he simply views as the right thing to do, but there are times when he needs the money.

🛠- Are they a competent Mechanic? What kinds of things are they good at/not good at fixing?

      Answered here!

🤖- How do they treat/view droids? Are there any significant droids in their life?

      Answered here! 

🌯- What is their favorite food? Is there any significance to it?

      Anything from home. Both of his parents were good cooks -- a skillset Miles didn’t inherit -- but Miles rarely returns to Onderon. First it’s because of work, then it’s because of the threats he doesn’t want to bring to his family. Although he’s always felt a disconnect between the ways of Onderon and the ways of his parents, there’s still something comforting about the tastes of home.

🏢- Do they prefer densely populated planets or sparsely populated ones?

      Something in between. Onderon was a very pocketed planet to grow up on -- vast expanses of uninhabitable wilderness dotted with walled cities. Miles values greenery and open spaces, but quickly gets bored on extremely rural planets. The endless cityscape of Coruscant, by contrast, is a little much for him. He likes the option of having the ability to see some trees and avoid people, or enjoy the economical and cultural benefits of a more populated city.

🌗- Are they an early riser or a Night Owl?

      Early riser, though he’ll often stay up all hours of the night if he’s working on a story. He likes getting an early start on things, though, and going for a jog / run if he’s somewhere it’s safe to do so.

👮🏼‍♂️- How do they regard authority? Are they generally on the side of the Empire or the Republic?

      Miles Upshur has never respected authority in his life, in any universe, but he’ll take the Republic / New Republic over the Empire / First Order any day. That being said, he doesn’t appreciate how often any iteration of the Republic seems perfectly willing to stick their collective heads in the sand during times of crisis. But that’s a complaint he has about the galaxy at large -- the frequency with which suffering goes ignored. Gripes with the government aside, he’s not a fan of space fascism.

🌎- Are there planets/regions that have a negative association for them? Why or why not?

      The fringes of the Outer Rim that border on Unknown Space. The only reason why Miles knows where Murkoff held him was because Lynn picked him up from the planet that held their facility -- otherwise, they made a point of keeping that information from him. It terrifies him that that place might still be out there, that it was even there to begin with without anyone knowing about it. He’d rather stay on the map, in places that have been better explored and documented.

      At a more specific point in the timeline -- fuck Korriban in particular.

💊- What is their opinion on the spice trade? 

      Complicated. The fact that spice itself is mined by slaves is something that he hates, not to mention the all of other problems wrapped up in the peddling of a highly addictive substance -- so he feels like a hypocrite for having used it. His addiction problems came as a direct result of what Murkoff did to him and he kicked all but the more harmless drinking and smoking habits a few months after his escape, but it was still an (obviously) dark period of his life. And one that he’s not particularly proud of for a multitude of reasons.

🌡- Do they get sick often? Is if a trait of their species or unique to them?

      Only when he really runs himself down. Again, for a few months after getting away from Murkoff, he was in bad shape -- and was generally sickly even if he wasn’t infected with anything in particular. His immune system’s fairly strong, but when he’s running on fumes he might catch something, as most people would.

🔪- Do they generally carry a vibroblade? Why/Why not? 

     It’s his weapon of choice. The reasons are mentioned in the blaster ask linked below, but the tl;dr is that melee weapons have more of a ‘last resort’ feel to them, rather than a blaster that can kill from a distance. A vibroblade is more effective at close range -- meaning more time to assess whether something incoming is a threat, or that the attack was sudden and deliberate. Miles would always rather ask questions first, retaliate later, aside from particular extenuating circumstances where he’s after someone.

🔫- Do they generally carry a blaster? Why/why not?

      Answered here!

🧖🏽- Water Showers or Sonic Showers? Why?

      Answered here!

🗣- What is their primary language? What other languages do they speak and/or understand?

    Galactic Basic is his first language, but he knows a smattering of others. Onderonian is considered a dialect of Basic, so there are certain slang terms he uses that might not be instantly recognizable to offworlders. Miles knows a conversational amount of Rodese, Durese, Twi’leki, and Binary, plus some other languages commonly used by spacers, travelers, and criminals. There are a few other languages he can pick up on and understand, but can’t speak. Basically, he’s traveled enough and interacted with enough species and individuals to bullshit his way through a lot of conversations. 

      And he’s made a point of knowing curses in a fair number of languages. 

💪🏼- Are they good in a fight? What sorts of combat/fighting style do they prefer?

      He can hold his own to a certain extent, though chances are he’ll try to avoid or straight up run from a fight before he engages in one. He’s not much of a fighter, but he can throw a punch and he’s reasonably adept with the vibroblade he carries on him. The lightsaber he eventually picks up is another matter.   

#finalvlog #(ᴡᴇ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ғᴀɪᴛʜ ɪɴ ᴀʟʟ ᴛʜᴇ ᴡʀᴏɴɢ ᴛʜɪɴɢs) ;;; Vᴇʀsᴇ: Sᴛᴀʀ Wᴀʀs #(ᴅᴏᴄᴜᴍᴇɴᴛ ᴀᴄǫᴜɪʀᴇᴅ) ;;; ʜᴇᴀᴅᴄᴀɴᴏɴ #aoina if you don't log back in to like this post i'm gonna throw hands #(ɪɴᴠᴇsᴛɪɢᴀᴛɪᴠᴇ ᴊᴏᴜʀɴᴀʟɪsᴍ) ;;; ᴀsᴋs

[melina-blog1]

4th week: Covid 19 in Substance Use setting

I work in a community behavioral health setting. On any given day, we can have upward of 50 clients who live in dorm-style sleeping areas and share a communal space for meals, activities, and group sessions.  Most of these adults are in our program for 28 to 42 days. Sixteen are in our detox unit. All are substance users, some have chronic mental health issues, some have co-morbidities, some are homeless, some have been incarcerated, many are trauma survivors, most are low income, some are uninsured while others have public health benefits. They come from hard places and have had hard lives. This was an already challenging setting even before the additional pressures of the COVID-19 (C-19) pandemic.

I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker – for nearly 20 years – and my role is as an administrator and a front-line worker. In the last three weeks, I and my colleagues have been straddling a difficult line amid this chaos.  We started planning weeks ago - with the information then available - to keep our clients and employees safe. Every day, with new information, there is a new challenge - especially for our setting where the day-to-day is already unpredictable and crises are familiar.  It's been exhausting. My biggest concern, of course, is what to do if C-19 intrudes into our facility. Our clients have entrusted us to keep them safe. What makes this more even more difficult is the lack of consistent guidance/planning by the officials responsible for our regulation.

An added level of anxiety is the absence of next-level care. We have nowhere to place clients who would normally move to transitional housing. Our partnering agencies are full, are understaffed and not accepting new admissions. The hospitals are filling with C-19 patients, so substance users are being quickly discharged to make beds available.  We are unable to help those people.  We will not discharge anyone into an unsafe environment, and we cannot move our current residents to the next level of treatment. In a purely economic sense, we are generating no new revenue while costs remain.  Like so many businesses, our small nonprofit is facing great financial burden as a result - one which I hope we can survive.  

We aren’t a hospital setting (praise here to every single hospital worker and 1st responder tirelessly fighting this pandemic). As a treatment facility we fall into a grey-zone.  Much like our clients, facilities like ours don’t seem to be attracting much urgent thought or even acknowledgement.  In the state of C-19 we are trying to figure out how to negotiate our new norm on our own.

Words cannot capture my frustration with the powerlessness of this situation. I have had tears - have said fuck more times than I can count.  I am disappointed, frustrated, and angry with those we are required to rely on to guide us. It feels like we aren’t on their radar and that there is no urgency regarding our unique needs. As one of our interns said, "this highlights the cracks in our system." It's been surreal as we wait for those in a position to move the system, to transition from identifying problems to taking action to deal with them. Yes, a lot of systems are stressed under extraordinary circumstances and there are people in those systems sincerely trying to get them functioning, but progress seems glacial or non-existent.

I could go on a rant here about the federal administration but its bigger than that. I often try to practice ‘trust the process and be patient’.  But my patience is evaporating as I struggle to find the energy to support our clients while holding the fears and anxieties of colleagues. I feel backed into a corner waiting for those in power to genuinely understand the severity of our public health crisis. This goes against my innate fight (not flight) nature. It doesn't feel good. I feel powerless. We could have been better prepared, we needed to be better prepared. We still can do better.

In the meantime, most of our staff have been showing up and working to assure continuity of care. They have the same fears and anxieties as anyone else. At the end of their shifts they have families they go home to.  I am also realistic that many are doing so to assure they have a source of income. Some live paycheck to paycheck. Many are the primary breadwinners in their household, and caretakers of children, grandchildren, or elders. Unemployment is not an option. In this respect - as in many others - C-19 highlights the class divide.

I have great gratitude for my co-workers and our support for each other. At this point my daily mantras are “we are in this together” and “stay grounded”. I know our clients need us. For myself, I know I have to keep pushing forward while supporting the entire structure as I practice balance and patience. Some days I struggle between my responsibilities and being human.

Not long ago a friend remarked that "these are the times that show who we really are." We have an opportunity to hit a reset button and evolve to be better - better towards one another, better towards the earth, better in support of systems of equality and justice. And while there is no easy answer to any of this, the answer does start with us, as individuals, who come together in pairs, small groups, and communities to heal and act intentionally.  During the HIV epidemic, I quickly learned communities are where change starts, not with politicians or governments.

One last thing - C-19 not only brings up the dust of past traumas - it's creating a host of new ones, even as I write this.  Individuals who have lost loved ones to C-19, individuals who have survived, and all caretakers - will need someone to hold space for their vulnerabilities and pain. That has to start with us. While I was in a moment of frustration and emotional exhaustion a good friend gifted me with grounding words, "who we were before this is now forever changed, who will we be after?"  

Keep yourselves emotionally and physically healthy. Keep our clients and employees in your thoughts.

Gratitudes:

Being a social worker

Two amazing people who brighten our already hard days with homemade masks

The tireless employees who support each other and our clients

My different circles, tribes and chosen family who have shown up in incredible ways

All the resilient front-line workers worldwide, our behind the scenes support, health care workers, 1st responders, and so many more...

The people who keep showing up  

My partner who is patient, loving and supportive

And all of you who are staying the fuck home

[blessuswithblogs]

Video Games are a God Damned Mess: Bad Business Practices, Unsustainability, and the Fidelity Plateau

(shoutouts to the anon rando in my inbox for telling me about the read more button you were kind of rude about it but i don’t use this website so i legit didn’t know)

The video game industry has always been a bit wild and wooly compared to its older contemporaries. The emergence of a new medium is always rife with upheaval as paradigms shift and people discover that the old rules don't necessarily apply all of the time. That said, the past three months have been filled with what I can really only describe as catastrophes for many disparate publishers and development studios.

 You may recall I talked a bit about this during my game of the year list and Fallout 76 analysis, but to recap: with Telltale shutting its doors and shafting its workers, the writing was on the wall for the same thing to happen again as the intrinsically unsustainable boom and bust cycle began the less glamorous stage. It turns out I was correct in my predictions but congratulating myself for seeing this coming is not unlike congratulating myself for accurately predicting that tomorrow will be Tuesday. Or. Whatever day it will be when I post this. fuck i dated the lp thread ruined LOOK the point is that this was really obviously going to happen and that nobody felt the need to prepare for it or try to stop it before 10% of Activision-Blizzard's workforce got canned is a major failure of the industry at large.

So let's talk a bit about what's happened since then. There's been a lot, so forgive me if I miss your favorite corporate implosion. First, at Blizzcon, Diablo Immortal was revealed to what actually might have been the most actively hostile reception of a game in history. This has less to do with the more financial aspects of the ongoing Videocon Crisis and more just kind of served as an ill omen and an example of Blizzard's worrying descent into... wherever it is they're going. If gross incompetence was a place, they would be descending into it. On paper, a Diablo mobile game is a money-printing proposition. When all is said and done Immortal will still probably make them gobs of cash. In practice, however, they fucked the landing so hard they probably lost potential sales. The kind of folks who go to Blizzcon and get omegahype for a new diablo game are not the kind of folks who play mobile games. Mobile games have a Stigma among the hardcore crowd, and also the Ethical Business Practices in Video Games crowd (which as of this writing appears to be me, Jim Sterling, and the Warframe devteam). For a lot of braindead gamerbros, mobile games are synonymous with things like Candy Crush and Peggle, which are perfectly fine games honestly but they're For Girls or some shit so mobile games are bad and for casuals. More pertinently, mobile games are also a ferocious jungle of microtransactions, pay2win mechanics, and generally shoddy design. Command and Conquer and Dungeon Keeper, beloved franchises that have been ripe for revisiting for years now, both found mobile games and they were both utterly terrible. These games make a great deal of their money by exploiting "whales", or in actual human being language, vulnerable people with disposable income and difficulties with impulse control or addictive personalities. Or kids who know their mom's creditcard number. Kids play video games. Now that we are no longer kids (theoretically, anyway) it can be easy to forget that. I'm not the pearl-clutching type, but I think that stigmatizing a genre of games that proudly touts an exploitative-of-children business model is probably okay.

So there are lots of reasons to be skeptical of Diablo Immortal right out of the gate, and quite frankly whoever thought that just pushing that out there with literally no other Diablo related news items (like any whispers of the long coveted hd remaster of diablo the second) was either transferred in from another company the day before or had some kind of unspeakable grudge against the scheduled presenters, to whom my heart goes out to. There is also some undeniable precedent that Blizzard-Activision will, in all likelihood, monetize the everloving daylights out of it. Both Hearthstone and Overwatch have more or less become nicely polished vehicles with which to deliver lootboxes to players for a nominal fee. If this hadn't been followed by a seemingly unceasing calvacade of disasters, the whole debacle would have been really funny to point and laugh at. It's still pretty funny to point and laugh at, but it also has some less amusing implications. Blizzard in particular has been up to a lot of no good lately. Let's talk a little bit about their recent one-two punch.

First up, we have the complete and sudden abandonment of competitive support for Heroes of the Storm. Heroes of the Storm was essentially Blizzard's seething regret and resentment for letting Valve snatch up the whole Defense of the Ancients thing put into code and unleashed upon an unwitting populace. It had actually been gaining some renewed interest over the past year or so due to the developers putting in some elbow grease and making the game both more accessible and just. More better. HotS has also had a modest but respectable eSports scene since the game's launch, with a variety of professional players, shoutcasters, tournament organizers and emergency bugfixers employed. Many of them were anxious about their jobs for months in advance with no word from the higher ups about who would still be employed by 2019. Sometimes, companies have to make difficult decisions and let people go to keep operating. Even my communist ass reluctantly accepts this as a reality of the system we live in. However, there is a protocol about this kind of thing. Giving notice. Giving, you know, severance pay. Stuff like that. And of course this presupposes that this sort of cut to the workforce is actually necessary in the first place. Given that AB subsequently reported record profits for the year of 2018, I have some doubts. Completely dropping support for a game out of the blue is a scummy thing to do to your playerbase. When it is also directly impacting the livelihood of hundreds of people in your employ, it goes beyond scummy and turns right into Unacceptable.

But "unacceptable" is Bobby Kotick's favorite word in the English language so while shoving hundred dollar bills from his latest corporate bonus up his butt he and his friends in the boardroom decided that the HotS esports people might get lonely, so they had better go and fire another 10% of the workforce too. Just because. Like literally just because. His company is doing fine - better than fine! They are at record levels of better than fine. But the shareholders demand more and more exponential growth, so to cut costs that really didn't need cutting, away goes 10%. Will game quality suffer because of this? Undoubtedly. More work being piled on fewer people who are also living in mortal fear of losing their jobs Just Because is not a recipe for success. People are mad about this, much like people were/are mad about Fallout 76 - players of games, industry wonks, and iconic voice actresses alike are no longer tolerating this kind of thing in Two Thousand and Nineteen, Common Era. Nor should they!

Elsewhere in the Game-o-sphere, similar developments are brewing. ArenaNet, the folks wot do Guildwars, went through another round of mass layoffs. EA's stocks have plummeted and Battlefield V "failed to meet expectations" because it only sold A Ton and not A Fuckin Shit Ton, and Anthem is not really lighting the world on fire. After Mass Effect Andromeda's... curious debut, Bioware has probably been feeling the heat and a lot of people are concerned that it too will suffer the ultimate fate of all studios acquired by Electronic Arts: joining Visceral Games in a broken heap at the bottom of the garbage chute. Bring back Dead Space you motherfuckers. Bethesda continues to, improbably, suffer through PR disaster after PR disaster with Fallout 76, a game that seemingly cannot stop fucking up. Ubisoft has received some positive attention for vowing to NOT lay off hundreds of employees for no discernible reason, which leads me to believe that our standards for praiseworthy behavior have dropped alarmingly low. Even 2K Games in all of its monolithic glory seems to be feeling a bit of a Stock Price Squeeze. Honestly by the time I get this done and posted it's entirely possible that somebody else will fuck something up. I'm still kind of waiting on the fallout from Randy Pitchford's porn thumbdrive, but I'm also a little bit pleased that Actual Money Crimes are getting more traction in the news cycle.

So, returning to the main point: the industry is in a bad situation of its own making. It's a scene that's almost always been defined by trend-chasing. For a while, that meant that we would just have to suffer through an endless glut of EXTREME SPORTS GAMES SPONSORED BY A DUDE or a barrage of samey console shooters desperately trying to be Halo every once in a while. Unfortunately, the trend-chasing now extends not only to the games themselves, but to the methods by which they are monetized. Ever since DLC became a mainstream thing, the brightest minds of the boardrooms have been working tirelessly to deduce which method of fleecing players will scientifically speaking get them the most money. Inevitably, when some enterprising little weasel develops a new and improved monetization scheme, the rest of the little weasels will immediately latch on to that scheme and that's how you end up with Battlefront 2's ridiculous lootbox grind and Shadow of War's ludicrous inclusion of randomized lootboxes in a singleplayer action-adventure game. While I'm certain that the platonic ideal of the lootbox has existed in some form or another for decades now, I think that we can squarely lay the blame for the Great Lootbox Plague of the Twenty-Tens at the feet of Valve.

Valve has been known for questionable business practices for a while now (albeit in a more lowkey way than We Fired 800 People So Bobby Kotick Could Buy a New Yacht), largely getting away with it because Steam has been more or less unchallenged as the premier digital distribution service for video games. This might be changing soon, as Epic Games is going straight for the jugular with a number of aggressive moves with its own fledgling platform, but historically, Valve has faced very few consequences for just kind of being petulantly antagonistic towards its userbase because said userbase is easily mollified by steam sales and Gaben memes. When people think lootboxes in 2019, they probably think of games like Overwatch or Battlefront 2 or basically any contemporary multiplayer game. I certainly do, but a bit of fact finding allowed me to remember that Valve has been doing this shit since Counterstrike and Team Fortress 2, and Dota 2's byzantine cosmetics market can't be overlooked either. All three of these games are or were at one point genre leaders and made Valve so much money they basically decided that they didn't really need to make games anymore. A reasonable conclusion to draw, given the fact all three of these games are inextricably linked to their history as very popular mods. Valve just outsources a great deal of its labor to dedicated, naive fans and gives them a pittance of the huge mounds of dollars they make from their hard work. It's a good racket, but it has set an alarmingly poor example to the rest of the gaming world.

Games as a service, in concept, is fine for games that lend themselves well to the idea. MMOs have been using a variation of the model for decades now and that genre is actually like, Perplexingly Healthy. Free to play games like League of Legends and Warframe have also had success with a service model. The problem comes from the AAA Game industry's pathological insistence on shoving square pegs into things that don't even have holes to begin with. Shadow of War, or Assassin's Creed, or any other major singleplayer offering, has no business whatsoever being a Live Service. They are finite experiences by design and that's completely fucking fine and normal. Appending microtransactions and lootboxes to them is a transparent attempt to just suck up a little bit more money from players in the most unsustainable way possible. Here is a small hint if some WB Games bigwig stumbles upon this: first of all, I'm building a guillotine, so you better watch your ass. Second, how dare you fucking make Shelob a sexy lady. Third, (this is the one that is probably most relevant): People are willing to pay as they go for cosmetics and timesavers for games that they like and want to support. I've dumped a lot of money into League over the years because there was a period of time where I was playing it nonstop and having a wonderful time for quite literally no cost to myself, so I felt like buying the cute Panda Annie Skin was a good compromise. Regrettably I would later learn that there are aspects of Riot Games I'm not super okay with giving money to but at the time they seemed agreeable and my friends who work there gotta get payed somehow. This whole dynamic of wanting to support a video game goes out the damn window when you are already charging a $60 entry fee, plus whatever highway robbery pricing you put on the inevitable DLC. In this case, the onus is squarely upon the publisher to provide an experience and content one would reasonably expect of the pricetag. Putting in microtransactions for cosmetics is galling. Putting in microtransactions for actual game progression, like in Battlefront 2 or Shadow of War, is outright insulting.

Many will leap to the defense of these publishers and developers, saying that these measures are necessary to make these ludicrously expensive and lavish AAA games that all look suspiciously like one another. For the time being, let's accept this as a true statement. If this is, in fact, the state of affairs in the industry, then the industry needs to change to a more sustainable business model. When playing Destiny 2, during a big space cutscene, the cute pilot lady ferrying me to The Large Molerat Man's Murderboat had beautifully rendered skin where you could see the pores and the little wispy cheek hairs that swayed to the momentum of the space plane's movements. It was very nice but then the next year or so I heard nothing but people pointing out "hey this game has no content you dipshits" or "the devteam is actually scamming people with the experience system to wring more playtime out of them". The cheek hairs affair succeeded in making me want the pilot to buy me dinner and regail me with stories of her space adventures as I batted my lashes at her in romantic admiration, but also: stop it. You do not need to do this. This is strictly unnecessary. The graphics arms race of yesteryear is over. Nobody cares anymore. Fidelity is plateauing harder and harder, to the point where games running properly on console without having to settle for 30FPS is becoming very difficult. There is an Earth B somewhere out there where Bloodborne was not a sony exclusive and got a PC release with 60FPS support and loading times for humans and on Earth B I am still playing that game for the forseeable future because it is the best game ever. We are far past the paradigm where we are making Tremendous Graphical Leaps with each successive generation. Right now, as of this writing, games look jawdroppingly good. Just ludicrously pretty and grandiose. Continuing to push the graphical envelope for Every Damn Annual Release is a waste of resources: monetary resources, labor resources, system resources. As of March, 2019, what people really want is stability and functionality. Something that runs nice and smooth at 60FPS and doesn't turn its characters randomly into nightmare inverse-Rayman beasts. I think the huge success of the Nintendo Switch, a console with relatively modest hardware but superb functionality, portability, and a surprisingly full featured library of both massive first party titles, like Breath of the Wild and Mario Odyssey (which honestly look better than a lot of games on more robust hardware because of wonderful art direction) and smaller indie games, is testament to this line of thinking.

Maybe that's too bold of a statement. Maybe there's this huge swath of the gaming public that is just clamoring for more cheek hairs. If there are I think they're fucking out of their minds but who am I to judge. As long as games like that werewolf game The Order exist, where the universal reaction is "this is so pretty!!! ...wait there's nothing in here." I think that there is a serious responsibility to push back against that because evidently it's bankrupting the game industry and forcing them to violate international gambling laws to stay afloat. Except it's fucking not, actually. Many publishers are claiming record profits, upward trends, and are in a spot to have the raw nerve to say "well this game that sold 7 million copies didn't sell 8 million copies so it failed to meet expectations". They are doing ludicrously well for themselves in terms of generating revenue from sales. Where these highly successful corporations are running into problems is satisfying the almighty Shareholders. Shareholders are sort of like. Imagine if you got a job where you had to keep a large committee of actual babies happy, except the babies don't know shit about fuck about anything and demand that you routinely break all reasonable laws of sustainability and keep bringing in exponentially higher profits or they will take their ball and go home. There is still, evidently, money enough to give newly hired executives million dollar signing bonuses, but when it comes to just making a game that doesn't fall back on exploiting people with gambling addictions, we're suddenly dealing with an outfit of noble, longsuffering churchmice just trying to make ends meet. People are rapidly getting fed up with this blatant hypocrisy and dishonesty. Sales from Hearthstone card packs alone could fund a robust HotS esports scene for eternity if properly apportioned. This money is not properly apportioned. It is thrown into a gigantic incinerator so Kotick can get high on the fumes.

You might be wondering what this girls' deal is with Blizzard. Surely there are more egregious offenders? Firstly, Blizzard is very relevant at the moment because they are one of the highest profile publishers to recently Do A Business Oopsie. Secondly, I live in Irvine, California. Blizzard HQ is a ten minute drive from where I live. It's a local company to me, and it's legitimately kind of hard to see it continue to go down this path because I've had friends and neighbors who have worked there and enthusiastically described the experience right up until the very moment they get canned for no reason. My alma mater, UC Irvine, is one of the leading schools in the nation on adopting eSports into their collegiate athlete program. I understand, to a lot of people, Electronic Sports (please support them) are a big joke silly thing, but to me and my family who work in the UC system, they're actually like a huge and pertinent part of professional life. I'm literally being consulted by my mom's co-workers for advice and insight on how to minimize the abusive and toxic behavior that has become synonymous with streaming and professional gaming because campus now has a huge eSports center with rows on rows of gaming computers for students to use. Games Are Big. They are a powerful cultural and economic force in the lives of millions of people and denying that because of "haha nerds" is the same shortsighted, utterly-lacking-in-self-awareness wanking that resulted in the stupendously destructive "its just the internet, it doesnt matter lol" attitude that has caused the world so much grief. That said Bart Simpson becoming an esports legend sponsored by Riot Games is still pretty lame don't @ me.

What it comes down to is this: the games industry has grown into a hugely influential and powerful institution that affects the lives of more and more people every day. However, the appropriate growth in regulation, oversight, and worker protection has not occurred and has honestly shrunk. People love to talk up Satoru Iwata because when the Wii U was floundering he took a massive pay cut and refused to lay off any staff, reasoning that "it will be very difficult for our teams to create software that will impress the world when they are constantly worrying about losing their jobs." It's a little incredible that The Baseline Reasonable Thing To Do has elicited such effusive praise, but that's the world we live in and Iwata-san was pretty alright so I'm okay with it. Both his conduct and reasoning are both solidly above reproach in this case: it is really hard to be creative when the Sword of Damocles is hanging over your head! That’s 500% true! This goes for game developers, community managers, eSports staff, support staff, literally every part of the process that matters, even the totally unrelated clerks and communications people who are still completely necessary for creating games. The only people who don't suffer are the dipshits on top who don't actually contribute to the creation of games in any way. They're still fine. Better than fine, really. That's why people are mad. That's why people SHOULD be mad. Don't stand for this anymore.

#blizzard #activision #eSports #game industry #bethesda #fallout76 #valve #layoffs #destiny #ea

[kootenaygoon]

So,

At first, I was nervous about tackling news stories. 

I knew the stakes from my summers at the Whitehorse Star, had seen how small fuck-ups could have large consequences. Telling someone else’s story is a huge privilege, a power you have over them, and it can be intoxicating. But if you do it wrong, you will hear about it. I preferred the lighter elements of the job, like taking pictures at the Pride Parade or typing up an exhaustive feature on the Capitol Theatre’s production of Chicago. I was a hype machine, excitedly Photoshopping my images and then sprawling back in my desk chair with the newly printed paper’s pages flung open to reveal my handiwork. I floated through the summer of 2014 high on the experience of it all, letting myself fall in love with each new artist I interviewed.

Some people believed the proliferation of artists in the Nelson area was thanks to the town being situated on a bed of magical quartz, but I figured it was more a case of kindreds being attracted to one another. People were looking for a life less ordinary, far from the city. Most locals had some sort of regular job and then spent the remainder of their time investing in creative endeavours, whether that meant painting a mural, starting a food truck or playing in an 80s cover band called Val Kilmer and the New Coke. I started learning the names of local authors, meeting up with poet Tom Wayman and short story writer Myler Wilkenson. I wrote a feature about a photographer named Ryan Oakley who had crowd-funded a book called Humans of Nelson, based on the viral hit Humans of New York. It featured daily portraits of people he met during his lunch breaks, along with a pithy quote that captured their essence. One young singer named Anilah had just landed her Enya-esque tracks on some TV show, a spoken word poet named Magpie Ulysses was releasing a chapbook and a popular saxophonist named Clinton Swanson was playing relentless gigs around town. I giddily funnelled their stories on to Facebook and Twitter, where I obsessively watched the engagement numbers climb. Within a month or two our web presence had exploded, and pretty soon Calvin was bragging that we had the best social media numbers in the Kootenays.

But every now and then, things got dark. The first heavy story that landed on my desk involved a quartet of teenagers who had gone missing the day before I arrived in town. It was eventually discovered that they’d commandeered a canoe and gone adventuring right into a windstorm on Slocan Lake—a body of water so enormous it almost looks like the ocean in places. Authorities were able to recover the canoe pretty quickly, and found a young girl near death. Though they rushed her to medical services, she died in the hospital. There was no trace of the others, three dudes ranging in age from late teens to early twenties. The grief was heavy in the community, and right away I felt it settle in my chest — a clenched fist of empathy. I interviewed the RCMP as they conducted a large-scale search, checking in each day to hear if there was anything to report. At one point it looked like they were going to call it off, but then the families hired a husband-wife duo from the U.S. who had a submersible specially designed for these sorts of retrievals. Within a few days they’d located the boys, down in the darkness, and dragged them back up into the light. I shuddered when I thought of how they must’ve looked after that long underwater, after being cradled to the surface with a claw. The people I interviewed talked about the closure that brought to the families, and I quoted various people silver lining it, but it was the sort of tragedy that was so random it felt cruel on a cosmic level. Like a deity reaching down from heaven to smudge out a few people with his thumb.

“We cannot presume what happened. Our best speculation is misadventure. It wasn’t a very big canoe,” RCMP officer Darryl Little told me. 

“It was more of a swift water canoe than a lake canoe. There wasn’t much space below the gunnels and we figure the wind came up and that was it.”

During those weeks I kept running into people who knew the kids, and saw the impact plain on their heartbroken faces. One woman burst into tears while I was renewing my car insurance. I decided to interview the school district psychologist, Dr. Todd Kettner, to get his insights into the community’s grief process. We met at Lakeside Park and shot a video of him sitting on a park bench, calling out the provincial government and Premier Christy Clark. They had docked his pay during the teacher’s strike, right while he was in the midst of putting in overtime to coordinate a critical incident crisis management plan for the Slocan community. He was the only psychologist for the district, which according to him was chronically under-funded. For him it wasn’t about the dollars they took off his cheque, it was the overall neglect rural schools were receiving that really set him off. In an online open letter that went viral around the province he laid out some of the routine cases he was dealing with from day to day, underlining the ways the community was failing to support students with mental health issues.

“I was awakened Sunday morning by a phone call informing me that a student at one of the 21 schools I’m responsible for was on life support in ICU after an accidental drug overdose,” he wrote.

“Monday morning, while continuing to support the staff at the school where the hospitalized student learns, a dedicated and caring school administrator and I were informed that we were needed at another school to help the staff there prepare to gently inform their students that their classmates’ parent had been killed in a tragic accident.”

Kettner was eventually reimbursed for his pay cut, but didn’t see any change at an institutional level. At the end of the day he was still doing his job the best way he could in seemingly impossible circumstances. In the newsroom Tamara filled me in on the realities of SD8, and the issues were deeply systemic. The whole system was cash-starved because the undeclared income of the cannabis industry meant that, on paper, it was the poorest district in the province. The local high school was past capacity, there were multiple elementary schools that should have been demolished years ago, and sitting through board meetings meant hearing about financial snafus of the highest order.

“Those school board meetings, Will? Worst part of my job, easy. You wouldn’t believe how boring they are. All the ‘motion to accept this’ and ‘motion to accept that’. Makes me want to blow my brains out,” she said.

“The key is, you have to get to know the trustees, the superintendent. Once you have them as a connection, they can pretty much talk you through anything.”

“You think the strike will last much longer?”

“Shit, I don’t know. Those teachers are pissed, and they’re not going to back down.”

Around this time I came to an instinctive conclusion about the type of reporter I wanted to be: not aloof, or unfeeling, but the type that engages to an almost scary degree. If I was going to write a story, I wanted to understand it on a far deeper level than I needed for the paper, I wanted to be the guy in town that was the ultimate expert on that topic — right down to its human nuances.

The story commanding my most fervid attention was the trial of Andrew Stevenson, the bank robber that Cass had told me about. Calvin, Tamara and I spent a good half an hour scouring through Facebook trying to find a photo of him and his co-accused, Krista Kalmikoff, so we could have something to illustrate Greg’s stories about the court hearings. We were unsuccessful. The guy was being charged with seven robberies over the course of about six months, of both banks and pharmacies. The NPD had identified addiction as the driving force behind the crimes, and had been able to predict the exact day of his last robbery: April 25, 2014. In my free time I interrogated anyone who knew anything about what happened, picking up scraps of information here and there. A drunk woman at a party described seeing him come careening out of the bank’s parking lot on a bike, cutting in front of city hall and hurtling down towards the lake as cops sprinted after him. I wanted, so badly, to know what this guy looked like. Calvin sent me down to the court to get a shot of him walking in handcuffed—a goon shot—but then it turned out he was appearing by video link. Foiled!

As I got to know the NPD cops, attending one of their award ceremonies, I met a soft-spoken sergeant named Nate Holt. He had thickly muscled arms, a neatly trimmed blond beard and spiky hair that was nearly white. Not only was he holding an award for bravery, he was also one of the guys who was at the bridge that day, with Andrew Stevenson's stolen money raining down from the tree like confetti. I pictured the bank robber squirming on the rocks, trying to crawl away, while they descended on him like blue wraiths. The thing about Nate was you could feel the toll his work took on him, and you could see it in the way he carried himself. He was piggy-backing a lot of sadness. One suicidal dude came at him with a butcher knife and Nate didn’t even pull his gun. No, he got close enough to tackle him in a bear-hug, wrestle the knife out of his grip and save both of their lives. Sometimes I thought about those two men, rolling on the Baker Street sidewalk in that guy’s blood, while shocked residents looked on. I couldn’t believe that someone could have an experience like that and return to work the next day. But that’s exactly what he did.

Before Paisley moved into our new place, Muppet and I got a few days of lackadaisical meandering. I took her to Kaslo May Days with me, slaloming along the highway up Kootenay Lake in a state of giddy bliss, thinking yes I think I made the right decision while I gazed out at the water. I spotted a weird gargoyle sculpture on top of a house on Front Street, and wondered to myself what the deal was there. I spent a lot of time wandering through parks with my camera, approaching strangers and asking to take their photos. Cass would later jokingly call these spreads “All the people Will met at the park the other day”. Eventually I decided I had to see this bridge Andrew Stevenson jumped off, so I got on the highway out to Castlegar and went looking for it. We turned off the highway and followed a switch-back down to the Columbia River, just a few kilometres up from a massive hydroelectric dam. I parked at one end of the bridge and walked Muppet out across the dusty concrete to the middle so we could see the spot it happened. It was a clear, sunny afternoon, and I eventually identified the small cedar he’d attempted to jump into. Below was nothing but a rocky slope to the river, twenty feet further on. This was where it all ended for him, after evading the cops six times. Maybe it was the new pot I was smoking, or maybe it was something else, but I was feeling an electric need to understand this story. I’d been struggling for years on a novel that wasn’t coming along, partially because I was finding it difficult to invent new parts of the narrative, but here was a true fucking story that I could actually throw my weight into. I stood there for a long time, while cars rocketed by in the distance and wind hurtled through the canyon. The air smelled delicious.

I stood there drinking a Slurpee while Muppet panted happily.

The Kootenay Goon

[dangerwatson]

            SO, MS. WATSON. YOU WANNA MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

It’s ya girl Lin back on my ‘ let’s cry about a beautiful woman together ’ bs. Here’s MJ ! It’s long, but that’s to have all her relevant information in one place should you ( or me more than likely ) need to hit it up for future reference. I’m excited to have her here ya’ll.

BASICS.

Given / Birth Name : Mary Jane Watson Nickname / Preferred Name : MJ, Red Alias(es) : N/A Birthdate / Age : June 19th 1991 / Twenty - Seven Place of Birth : Montoursville, Pennsylvania Current Location : Little Italy, NYC Gender Identity : Cis Female Sexual / Romantic Orientation : Disaster Bisexual Ethnicity / Race / Cultural Heritage: African - American && German Marital Status : Single Occupation : Field Reporter && Political commentator for Weekly Review Religious Beliefs : Agnostic. Raised Christian.

CHARACTERISTICS.

Height : 5′8″ Weight : 135 Body Type / Build : Entirely Average. Could stand to go to the gym, but honestly who has that kind of time. Don’t compare her to fruit she hates that. Eye Color : Green  Hair Color / Texture : Auburn. Worn natural, 4b curls and all. Sometimes braided, sometimes weaved, sometimes in bantu knots or covered by headscarves. She’s very particular with her hair - touching it can and will lead to physical harm against the perpetrator if unwelcome. Recognizable Features / Scars : Big ol’ dimples and a slight cleft chin. Dusting of dark freckles across nose and chest. Speech Patterns / Accent : Has a deeper voice, boarding whisky worn. Because she’s moved around the majority of her childhood MJ has no discernible accent, giving her a modulated tone that’s perfect for clear annunciation across media platforms. Languages Spoken : English, French, ASL Powers / Skills / Abilities : No powers, however MJ has a nose for good stories, and tends to follow wherever they take her.  Overall Health : Good.

RELATIONSHIPS.

Order of Birth : Youngest Number of Siblings : 1 Father’s Status + Relationship : Phillip Watson, alive. An abusive alcoholic, former High School English teacher. No relationship amends have been made. Mother’s Status + Relationship : Madeline Watson nee Rains, deceased. A starry eyed dreamer, former actress turned stay at home mother. Left Phillip after he struck Gayle, bounced both children through various family members. Passed away shortly after from congenital heart failure exacerbated by stress and lack of access to treatment. Sibling Status + Relationship : Gayle Watson, older sister by almost five years. Unlike MJ, continued to have a relationship with their father. Married her schoolyard sweetheart and had two children. He divorced her around the same time MJ graduated high school, leaving both sisters ( and her nephews ) living under Aunt Anne’s roof. They’re nearly estranged. When she visits her aunt and nephews, both sisters make a point of keeping their conversations short -- if they happen at all. Loyalty / Affiliation : Outwardly neutral, though subject to change behind closed doors.

PERSONALITY.

MBTI : ESFJ Hobbies : Dancing. Doesn’t matter where, when, why or how. Catch her pulling an n*sync routine in her living room at 4 PM on a Tuesday. MJ also has a knack for exploration. There are a lot of ( read : free ) things to do around the city and magically finds them all. Who cares if you have no interest in the Fungi Festival, there are booths everywhere for a quick way to kill an afternoon. Tried needlework one afternoon, didn’t stick and now there’s an abomination of mutant looking cats hanging above her bathroom door. Bad Habits : Smoking. Fixing / hyper - focusing on her hair when uncomfortable or stressed. Jumping head first into the dating scene only to find out it’s the shallow end. Providing 20 second long fart sounds whenever someone asks “how are you?” Taking care of others before taking care of herself. Three Positive Traits : The silent Mom Friend. Allow me to explain : MJ is traditionally that bitch^tm making sure you get home okay after hanging out, she ensures your soul is as well nourished as your body. For all of her outward party-girl aesthetics and a forced mean girl perception on her by others, she makes sure her friends are in good headspaces. That they feel encouraged to follow their ambitions and ultimately celebrate every success no matter the size. It’s the type of selflessness that she’d wanted for herself growing up, so I’ve labeled it as her BEST trait. She’s incredibly outgoing. An extrovert through and through, getting her battery charged by being around people. It’s what makes her an attractive personality. When in a battle of small talk, MJ not only listens and remembers those small shared details but she knows how to keep the conversation going without making it seem like a chore. I love how in tune she is like that, girl vibes hard with new and old friends alike. Finally, MJ would make a professional bargain hunter blush. She grew up poor and as a direct result is extremely careful about what she’s doing with money. And yes, being financially responsible during these trying times as a Millennial trying to earn that bread is pretty much a given good quality. We all wish it wasn’t, but here we are. Three Negative Traits : MJ is stubborn to a fault. When she digs her heels into something it’s hard to get her to stop until a desired outcome is achieved ( or undesired, event depending ). While this is usually reworded as a positive asset —- being so DRIVEN and MOTIVATED —– that’s simply not the case with her. She’s lived through all consequences resulting from this inability to budge and none of the supposed rewards. Been fired from more jobs than she’d care to admit for telling former bosses where to shove unrealistic worker expectations, or coworkers where they can file passive aggressive bullpucky. She’s also incredibly stunted emotionally. As mentioned, she’s a silent Mom Friend, but reciprocation of her actions isn’t met with as much of an openness as one might expect. MJ keeps her feelings to herself, and it usually builds up until she suffers a full scale breakdown triggered by something mundane like … dropping a fry or seeing a lady bug stepped on. Decompressing is a word in her vocabulary, for sure, but it was easier to partake in as a 20 year old than as a near 30 year old with responsibilities and bills to pay. Picky puts it in palatable terms, but MJ knows what she likes and how she likes it. When she doesn’t, then she’ll quickly find a preference. In the meantime we’ll say she’s very particular about what styles she likes to wear, how her make up is, how her hair looks, and over all what image she’s presenting to a general public. It’s a habit she hasn’t been able to shake. Moral Alignment : Neutral Good

ASSOCIATIONS.

One Song : Dead and Lovely - Tom Waits One Quote / Piece of Art : “Beware; for I am fearless, and therefore powerful.” One Fear : Following the Watson Women path of horrible no good very bad mistakes and poor life decisions. One Strength : Persistence One Object : Breathe Right Nasal Strips One Place : May’s kitchen One Food : Garlic One Scent : Cinnamon. One Lucky Charm : Old tattered friendship bracelet

-----------------------

Pretty typical “American Dream !” 50′s family dynamic. Everyone looking great in their Sunday best photos, father with a steady job, stay at home mom to save on daycare, two daughters and a stray cat named Sir Stinkybottom.

Father started facing emotional breaking points brought about by lack of what he considered satisfactory income and inbound midlife crisis. Turned to drinking, ( turned into a right train wreck. )

Mary-Jane, Gayle and Maddie hopped from various family member’s couches to crash for a couple of weeks at a time during the separation process from Phillip.  This lasted a year.

Maddie passed away when MJ was around 10 and Gayle 15, Gayle instantly taking up the role of Mother Figure to MJ’s wild child foil. MJ maintains she doesn’t remember all that much about her mother while Gayle remembers everything and that becomes a point of contention. 

Father returns into their life. It’s messy, he eats away at their still developing ego’s like the cancerous human blob he’s chosen to become. Their Aunt Anna, who they live with, intervenes when she can.

Gayle gets the fuck outta there by marrying her high school sweetheart, moving to the midwest and popping out two adorable munchkins named Kevin and Thommy.

MJ has the pleasure of dealing with their dad alone for the next five years. Which she does by a little thing called home avoidance. Garners the reputation quickly as a party girl at Midtown, someone ready to go anywhere and everywhere at any time. 

Began solidly working around fifteen to help Anna out, sometimes in Diners, sometimes in retail. Her ability to sell her brand began early and honed with surgical precision during these years. All currently reflected across media platforms where she became a 2010 influencer ( and paid for little more than modeling ).

Started college at seventeen, typical move. Took 6 years for her to finish as she paid her way through without loans. The last thing MJ wanted when finally breaking out of Queens was a student dept choker. Graduated at 23 with a dual bachelors in journalism and political science.

Bounced between larger broadcasting industries for a few years as an underpaid intern before growing concerned by their lacking criteria. The burnout was real.

Tirelessly sought employment at her favorite ( but SMALL ) news agency. By luck of the draw she was screen tested and hired on for a slot as field reporter.  

She’s been with Weekly Review since. Now having two years under her belt ( still extremely Green in her industry ), she’s pushing for higher scope investigative journalist pieces. And for once, they’re not telling her no.

#united task 001 #united intro #mentioned briefly : #tw alcoholism #tw parental abuse

[ofcoldguns]

‘✩’ Coldflash?

The Ultimate Relationship Tag | @speedforceprinceSend ‘✩’ for the following:

Disagreements:

Who is more likely to raise their voice? Probably Barry. Len really tries to keep himself under control when he’s in an argument with anyone so it’s highly unlikely.Who threatens to leave but never actually does? Len. He thinks that Barry would be better off without him.Who actually keeps their word and leaves? I don’t think either of them actually goes through with it.Who trashes the house? I don’t think either of them would.Do either of them get physical? No. I think the most there would be is one grabbing the other and forcing them to look at them.How often do they argue/disagree? Quite a bit. Not like huge arguments a lot. But little disagreements here or there.Who is the first to apologise? Probably Barry. Especially in the beginning of the relationship because Len has never been good at apologies especially when it involves feelings.The rest under the cut because this meme is very long

Sex:

Who is on top? Len usually but he does enjoy bottoming too.Who is on the bottom? Like above, usually Barry but sometimes...Who has the strangest desires? Probably LenAny kinks? Yes definitely. I can see some handcuff stuff. Maybe dabbling in roleplay.Who’s dominant in bed? Len but Barry isn’t exactly a pushover.Is head ever in the equation? Oh yesIf so, who is better at performing it? I don’t know about better, but Len is surprisingly enthusiastic about it.Ever had sex in public? Yes.Who moans the most? Barry and Len goes crazy for it.Who leaves the most marks? Barry because all the marks Len tries really hard to leave heal too quickly.Who screams the loudest? BarryWho is the more experienced of the two? LenDo they ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’? It depends on their general mood. When they start out it’s more just fucking but as time goes on they do make love.Rough or soft? Again, it depends on their mood.How long do they usually last? Fairly long.Is protection used? Absolutely. It’s sort of a big thing for Len considering he grew up during the AIDS crisis.Does it ever get boring? Never.Where is the strangest place they’d have sex? In STAR Labs.

Family:

Do your muses plan on having children/or have children? They’ve never really talked about it. If so, how many children do your muses want/have? Again, never really talked about it.Who is the favorite parent? Barry. He spoils them.Who is the authoritative parent? Len because someone has to. But he can be fun too.Who is more likely to allow the children to have a day off school? Len probably.Who lets the children indulge in sweets and junk food when the other isn’t around? Barry does.Who turns up to extra curricular activities to support their children? Both of them do.Who goes to parent teacher interviews? Who changes the diapers? They rotate.Who gets up in the middle of the night to feed the baby? They rotate.Who spends the most time with the children? It ends up being Len since Barry has an actual job.Who packs their lunch boxes? Len does. He’s already up incredibly early.Who gives their children ‘the talk’? Len does and it’s so awkward because it’s so detailed and technical. Like he has pamphlets and everything.Who cleans up after the kids? Barry does since he’s fast.Who worries the most? Len Who are the children more likely to learn their first swear word from? Uncle Mick  Len

Affection:

Who likes to cuddle? Barry does. Len secretly does.Who is the little spoon? Barry usually.Who gets naughty in the most inappropriate of places? Len most often.Who struggles to keep their hands to themself? Len.How long can they cuddle until one becomes uncomfortable? Maybe a couple hours.Who gives the most kisses? BarryWhat is their favourite non-sexual activity? Binge watching stuff.Where is their favourite place to cuddle? Oh the couch definitely.Who is more likely to playfully grope the other? Len.How often do they get time to themselves? Not a lot between superhero/supervillain stuff and Barry’s job.

Sleeping:

Who snores? Neither really.Do they share a bed or sleep separately? ShareIf they sleep together, do they cozy up together or lay far apart? Cozy up. Even if they start far apart they will end up cozied up to each other.Who talks in their sleep? BarryWhat do they wear to bed? Len is usually in full PJs and Barry’s usually just in boxers.Are either of your muses insomniacs? Len is.Can sleeping pills be found by the bedside? Nope.Do they wrap their limbs around each other or just lay side by side? Wrapped around.Who wakes up with bed hair? Barry.Who wakes up first? Len because he’s always up unreasonably early.Who prepares breakfast in bed for the other? Len since he’s up so early.What is their favourite sleeping position? Spooning.Who hogs the sheets? Barry.Do they set an alarm each night? Barry does. Len doesn’t need to.Can a television be found in their bedroom? Yes.Who has nightmares? They both do.Who has ridiculous dreams? Barry.Who sprawls out and takes up most of the bed? Barry does.Who makes the bed? Barry does since he’s usually the last one out of bed.What time is bed time? Whenever they get home since they’re both out so late most of the time.Any routines/rituals before bed? Len does unless he’s too tired to do anything.Who’s the grumpiest when they wake up? Len.

Work:

Who is the busiest? Barry unless Len is planning a heist with the other Rogues.Who rakes in the highest income? Len. Just don’t ask where some of it comes from.Are any of your muses unemployed? Nope.Who takes the most sick days? Barry but not because he’s sick.Who is more likely to turn up late to work? Barry.Who sucks up to their boss? Barry’s the only one who has a boss.What are their jobs? Obviously Barry’s a CSI and Len owns a bar.Who stresses the most? Len.Do your muses enjoy or despise their careers/occupations? Yeah they’re pretty happy.Are your muses financially stable? Yes they are.

Home:

Who does the washing? Whoever’s home. Len will wash to relax, Barry washes because he can do it quicker.Who takes out the trash? Whoever notices it’s full.Who does the ironing? They take care of their own clothes.Who does the cooking? Len does.Who is more likely to burn the house down just trying? Barry just because Len is more focused.Who is messier? Barry.Who leaves the toilet roll empty? Probably Barry.Who leaves their dirty clothes on the floor? Len would never. Probably reminds Barry not to every now any then.Who forgets to flush the toilet? Neither.Who is the prankster around the house? They both are. And once one starts then it’s absolute chaos.Who loses the car keys when it comes time to go somewhere? Len is the only one who drives so it’s him if they ever do get lost.Who mows the lawn? They have an apartment so no lawn.Who answers the telephone? Whoever’s phone it is. They don’t have landlines.Who does the vacuuming? Vacuuming only gets done when one of them is going on a cleaning spree.Who does the groceries? They trade off but usually Len does.Who takes the longest to shower? Len.Who spends the most time in the bathroom? Len does since Barry can speed through things.

Miscellaneous:

Is money a problem? Nope.How many cars do they own? Just the one. Len also has a motorcycle.Do they own their home or do they rent? They rent an apartment.Do they live in the city or in the country? In the city.Do they enjoy their surroundings? Yes.What’s their song? Unusual Way from Nine.What do they do when they’re away from each other? Get work done. Where did they first meet? Technically on the highway outside the city.How did they first meet? When Barry stopped his heist as the Flash.Who spends the most money when out shopping? LenWho’s more likely to flash their assets? LenWho finds it amusing when the other trips over? Len does but he does helpAny mental issues? Definitely some PTSD due to their histories.Who’s terrified of bugs? Neither of them really are.Who kills the spiders around the house? Neither of them will kill but Len will take them to a window or something.Their favourite place? This cute little diner that’s a little out of the way but no one they know really knows about it.Who pays the bills? Len doesDo they have any fears for their future? Len definitely fears that Barry’s going to realize that he’s too good for Len and he’s going to leave.Who’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner? Len, especially if he knows Barry’s had a long day.Who uses up all of the hot water? Len just because he spends more time in the shower.Who’s the tallest? Barry is taller than Len by a single inch. (The fact that Grant is actually 1 inch taller gives me so much life.)Who’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other? Barry most likely.Who wanders around in their underwear? Barry because Len usually likes to be covered up.Who sings the loudest when singing along to the radio? Barry does.What do they tease each other about? Various little things. Len’s favorite comeback to Barry being annoyed with him stealing the last slice of pizza or something like that is “:What are you going to do, arrest me?”Who is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times? LenDo they have mutual friends? Not really? I mean their friends put up with them.Who crushed first? Len will deny that he fell first but he didAny alcohol or substance related problems? Not really. Barry can’t get drunk and Len likes to keep a handle on his drinking since he saw what it did to his dad.Who is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am? Neither. Len does any heavy drinking at home if he does.Who swears the most? Probably Len.

#answers #[Icon of the Leo and Barry hug because I can] #speedforceprince

[heroicvalor]

✩ Mon & Cait

Send ‘✩’ for the following || accepting:

Disagreements:

Who is more likely to raise their voice? mon-el, especially when he is emotional.Who threatens to leave but never actually does? neither.Who actually keeps their word and leaves? neither.Who trashes the house? mon-el but only cause he leaves things around.Do either of them get physical? no. caitlin might lose her temper and powers flare but they don’t get physical.How often do they argue/disagree? only mission related. they have very different approaches and it took time to figure that out.Who is the first to apologise? mon-el. always.

Sex:

Who is on top? depends on the mood.Who is on the bottom? depends on the mood.Who has the strangest desires? caitlin because mon-el helped her unleash them.Any kinks? sometimes mon-el likes it when she freezes him in the middle to hold off his climax.Who’s dominant in bed? both are. they fight for it.Is head ever in the equation? always.If so, who is better at performing it? mon-el. he’s well versed.Ever had sex in public? no, they prefer being free to be loud and break things.Who moans the most? mon-el.Who leaves the most marks? caitlin.Who screams the loudest? caitlin.Who is the more experienced of the two? mon-el. his days of being a prince.Do they ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’? both. depends on their mood.Rough or soft? both, again the mood.How long do they usually last? record sits at five hours. they wanna beat it.Is protection used? it is. they aren’t ready for kids.Does it ever get boring? they find ways to keep it hot.Where is the strangest place they’d have sex? the legion ship.

Family:

Do your muses plan on having children/or have children? they both know they want kids one day but it’s complicated.If so, how many children do your muses want/have? two.Who is the favorite parent? it would be caitlin.Who is the authoritative parent? mon-el. he wants caitlin to stay soft.Who is more likely to allow the children to have a day off school? mon-el.Who lets the children indulge in sweets and junk food when the other isn’t around? mon-el and caitlin.Who turns up to extra curricular activities to support their children? both of them.Who goes to parent teacher interviews? both of them.Who changes the diapers? mon-el. he loves the whole idea of being hands on.Who gets up in the middle of the night to feed the baby? they get up together.Who spends the most time with the children? they both do. it’s their job.Who packs their lunch boxes? mon-el and caitlin. it’s teamwork.Who gives their children ‘the talk’? mon-el insists but caitlin is better at it.Who cleans up after the kids? caitlin.Who worries the most? caitlin.Who are the children more likely to learn their first swear word from? mon-el. potty mouth.

Affection:

Who likes to cuddle? both.Who is the little spoon? caitlin.Who gets naughty in the most inappropriate of places? mon-el.Who struggles to keep their hands to themself?  mon-el.How long can they cuddle until one becomes uncomfortable? hasn’t happened yet.Who gives the most kisses? mon-el sneaks them often.What is their favourite non-sexual activity? baking. they sometimes get in play fights.Where is their favourite place to cuddle? the couch during a movie.Who is more likely to playfully grope the other? mon-el.How often do they get time to themselves? if there is a crisis, not a lot. downtime and slow times, it’s perfect.

Sleeping:

Who snores? mon-el.If both do, who snores the loudest? mon-el.Do they share a bed or sleep separately? share a bed.If they sleep together, do they cozy up together or lay far apart? always fall asleep together.Who talks in their sleep? mon-el.What do they wear to bed? mon-el wears boxers and caitlin wears his shirt.Are either of your muses insomniacs? no.Can sleeping pills be found by the bedside? only in the hard times.Do they wrap their limbs around each other or just lay side by side? legs always entwined.Who wakes up with bed hair? caitlin. it’s cute.Who wakes up first? caitlin. mon-el never wakes up first.Who prepares breakfast in bed for the other? caitlin. mon-el tries sometimes.What is their favourite sleeping position? on their sides.Who hogs the sheets? mon-el. he’s the worst.Do they set an alarm each night? never.Can a television be found in their bedroom? no. Who has nightmares? both of them. it’s been rough.Who has ridiculous dreams? mon-el.Who sprawls out and takes up most of the bed? mon-el.Who makes the bed? they do it together.What time is bed time? whenever they are too exhausted.Any routines/rituals before bed? a kiss.Who’s the grumpiest when they wake up? mon-el. he’s the worst on early mornings.

Work:

Who is the busiest? both of them. they are a team.Who rakes in the highest income? caitlin. science beats bartending.Are any of your muses unemployed? no.Who takes the most sick days? mon-el. how he has a job is amazing.Who is more likely to turn up late to work? also mon-el. Who sucks up to their boss? mon-el. it helps with being late.What are their jobs? scientist/doctor and bartender.Who stresses the most? caitlin. mon-el tries to keep her calm.Do your muses enjoy or despise their careers/occupations? no, they both love what they do.Are your muses financially stable? very. thanks caitlin.

Home:

Who does the washing? both.Who takes out the trash? both.Who does the ironing? both.Who does the cooking? both, together.Who is more likely to burn the house down just trying? caitlin.Who is messier? mon-el.Who leaves the toilet roll empty? mon-el. caitlin always tosses it at his head.Who leaves their dirty clothes on the floor? mon-el. Who forgets to flush the toilet? neither. mon-el leaves the seat up tho.Who is the prankster around the house? mon-el.Who loses the car keys when it comes time to go somewhere? mon-el. he argues they should just fly.Who mows the lawn? mon-el. he thinks it is so normal and human.Who answers the telephone? both.Who does the vacuuming? both.Who does the groceries? both.Who takes the longest to shower? mon-el. drives caitlin crazy but it’s a ploy to get her in the shower.Who spends the most time in the bathroom? caitlin when they are going out.

Miscellaneous:

Is money a problem? no.How many cars do they own? one.Do they own their home or do they rent? own.Do they live near the coast or deep in the countryside? near the coast.Do they live in the city or in the country? city. they split time between national and central city.Do they enjoy their surroundings? yes.What’s their song? bayou - mountains of the moon.What do they do when they’re away from each other? it’s typically because of a mission so they write letters.Where did they first meet? star labs.How did they first meet? mon-el came with kara to get help.Who spends the most money when out shopping? mon-el. always on things for caitlin.Who’s more likely to flash their assets? mon-el. that daxam boy is still in him.Who finds it amusing when the other trips over? caitlin. mon-el is always falling.Any mental issues? they both have ptsd.Who’s terrified of bugs? caitlin without a doubt.Who kills the spiders around the house? mon-el’s proudest job.Their favourite place? space. mon-el uses the legion ship to show caitlin the stars.Who pays the bills? both.Do they have any fears for their future? that they won’t be together.Who’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner? mon-el. but it’s a monthly surprise.Who uses up all of the hot water? always mon-el.Who’s the tallest? mon-el.Who’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other? mon-el. he always hops in.Who wanders around in their underwear? mon-el in his boxers is a normal sight.Who sings the loudest when singing along to the radio? caitlin.What do they tease each other about? caitlin teases mon-el about the damage he causes while being a hero and mon-el teases caitlin about how smart she is by saying she is a nerd.Who is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times? neither. they dress great.Do they have mutual friends? team flash, team supergirl, team arrow.Who crushed first? mon-el.Any alcohol or substance related problems? no.Who is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am? both of them together.Who swears the most? mon-el.

#{ í fσught thє wσrld fσr чσur hαnd | cαítlín } #{ lσst αnd lєαd вч чσur stαrs | cαítlín αnd mσn єl } #{ íntσ thє multívєrsє | mєmєs | ultímαtє rєlαtíσnshíp }

[rin-recovery]

1 year clean and sober Chair (7/7/21)

I’m Katherine A grateful dual diagnosed Alcoholic. (Pause)

What it was like: I was born into a quiet dysfunctional family. I was placed in foster care when I was 2ish because of this. When we (my older sister and I) were placed back with our mom we moved across the U.S. from Massachusetts to Vancouver Washington because we had family here and I had what I thought was a normal up bringing, on the outside it looked like a normal low-income family, but my mom was very much present and involved in my education unlike most of the other kid’s parents who I hung out with. However, behind closed doors my family was falling apart. My grandpa who I looked at like a father was an alcoholic, would always have a beer in hand while driving to pick us up from school, my dad did not enter my life until after I was 6 or 7 years old and what I thought was normal discipline was not, long story short my childhood left my brain literally broken. As young as 5th grade I wanted to die and could not explain why that was always a thought. The school and one of my friends thought it was because my great grandpa who I was very close with had died that year, but I knew it was not the only reason. Starting at a young age my parents attempted to try and help us make good choices around alcohol. My parents train of thought was if they allowed drinking in the house, we would not go behind their backs and party, and for the most part it worked. So, I started drinking small amounts of alcohol around the age of 8. In middle school I started hanging around the wrong crowd and by high school I was a mess. My drinking progressed from small amounts to large very quickly during that time. My mental health was so bad that I missed a month of school in 10thgrade due to a suicide attempt. I was self-harming, drinking, running away and overdosing on Benadryl and over the counter sleep aid regularly that my mom finally told one of my teachers after he called about me crying and walking out of my 11th grade English class that if I was going to kill myself nothing anyone did for me was going to stop me. 12th grade I barely was able to graduate due to the amount of school I was skipping and if it were not for my English teacher staying after school to help me with my math, I would not have graduated at all. When my best friend died in an ATV accident the summer after we graduated, I lost the will to live and again ended up in the hospital for a week over a suicide attempt and had to drop out of college because I could not get the work done, I lost 2 scholarship because of it and would eventually lose financial aid due to 2 more dropouts due to my mental health. At the age of 20 I got married to someone I thought loved me for me, but I found out in a short period of time how wrong I was about him; however, it was too late to walk away, and no one intervened due to him looking and acting mentally sound and me being bat shit crazy on the outside but behind closed doors it was a different story. My drinking and wanting to die only grew worse because I was hating my life and could never do anything right by my then husband. The only time I was mostly sober was when I was pregnant, but I was still regularly self-harming during that time. I was a closet alcoholic and tried to control it around my 2 boys who I try to keep living for as well. 7 years of marriage full of domestic violence and a lot of other not so great things ended with him walking out the door 3 days after Christmas of 2017 with the threat that if I tried to get a divorce, he would make my life a living hell by taking the boys away and never letting me see them again. My drinking, self-harming and overdosing went off the chart because of the fear of my ex and I was going to the hospital or my current boyfriend was having to come out and find me at bus stops or walking around trying to either get picked up by random people or get to the I5 bridge to jump off of (this all happened after my kids were in bed and asleep and my mom was home) all while trying to get and hold down a job while also trying to take care of my 2 special needs boys during the day time. About 2

years ago I was diagnosed with D.I.D. (Dissociative identity disorder) so literally my brain is broken into about 46 known pieces as of right now. Life started making more sense however it fixed nothing. It only explained why I have little to no memory of growing up or anything that was or is overly stressful. My boyfriend was having his own problems with bad med management, so I helped him while pretending/not caring about my own drinking and using. He got better as I kept getting worse. I finally got a job doing peer support which I had been wanting to do for 4 years and was certified to do and started working in a treatment center. Long story short I started to feel like a fraud at work every day. I was telling the ladies how to better their lives and I was losing it every time I was not at work. So, after talking with my counselor, he referred me to a SUD program, and I went. I told my SUD counselor flat out that I would not go to any groups because of the work that I did, I just wanted vivitrol to control the urges that at this point were out of control. No A.A. for me because I did not want to run into people who might know me from work. Well, that did not work out so well. I relapsed July 5th. My SUD counselor told me to go to A.A. so I did. I found the only in person meeting at the time, which was here, and I made an effort to get to as many meetings as time would allow. I let fear stop me from asking anyone to be my sponsor (1 because there were not many women at the meetings I was going to because RBR had just reopened their noon meetings due to the shutdown and 2 I feared that my mental health was too bad for anyone to handle) I was sober because I held onto the message NO MATTER FUCKING WHAT WE DON’T DRINK or USE! My job changed from the treatment center to the crisis center and just being sober was taking a toll. The fighting between my boyfriend and I was at an all-time high and I was slowly getting to the point that either I needed to be dead or I would drink again so on Aug. 17th after a week filled with 2 suicide attempts and my first week working graveyard at the crisis center I went to the 7pm meeting, filled my heart with all the hope it could hold, went home and told my kids that I loved them, tucked them into bed, packed a bag and had my boyfriend take me to the psych hospital. On the drive I text a few women in this room to say where I was going and that when I got out, I would get a sponsor because every message I heard said get a sponsor and work the steps to get better and I really wanted to get better. A week later I got out of the hospital no longer wanting to die or drink. I prayed really hard to a Man that I struggled to talk to or believe in to point out a woman who could handle ALL of me, already kind of knowing the woman He had picked out because she had taken me to her church once and had called me out at a meeting for not having a sponsor yet. So, on Sep. 9th after 62 days clean and sober and 39 meetings I asked Danira to be our sponsor and she said yes. Well first I texted her on the 8th and asked because I had no idea how it worked and Danira also intimidated us, we talked on the 9th and then she said yes. I would love to tell you all that my life got better however that would be a lie. With 46 known alter/personalities and a large majority not wanting recovery this process has been really difficult but also very rewarding. From September to the end of October I was making progress in leaps and bounds but then we got covid and everything stopped in November. I could not get my vivitrol shot and I could not go to an in-person meeting. My brain stopped working, it reverted to survival. I held onto NO MATTER WHAT to try to make day to day work for us to not relapse. We stopped picking up the phone and started staying up late hours not moving so we did not do something stupid. We still were able to do our gratitude daily and were grateful for waking up without a relapse each and every day. I do not remember much from November to January besides, we kept saying WE DON’T DRINK OR USE NO

MATTER WHAT. We finally were able to get back to the meetings regularly and while no we do not talk a lot due to our brain not being able to hold coherent thoughts most of the time, we are still in the meeting. Standing to get our 6th and 9th month coins was one of the happiest moments in our life. Working the steps have been hard but we keep pushing through. Danira has not given up on us yet and we try to push ourselves to make her, my kids and boyfriend proud.

NO MATTER WHAT looks like when my youngest is losing it by screaming in our face or hurting me physically we do not get the damn bottle because it will not fix anything (despite what some think in our head). My kids have already been through so much of me being selfish with my drinking and rampage problems. They need their mom to get out of self and learn to be a better parent for them. NO MATTER WHAT looks like when I cannot sleep, or I am suffering from high physical pain I don’t get weed or pills to numb it all because it is a short fix that will make all the hard work, we put in all for nothing. We do not have another relapse or recovery in us, if we went out, we would never come back and that is not an option just ask Danira, I tried once it ended with her at my front door with backup. NO MATTER WHAT looks like when two of my sponsee sisters and sponsor shows up at my house after a night of crisis that I follow my sponsor’s directions to go back to the hospital to stay safe and come back to my baseline even when I do not want to because she will not gamble with our lives or my boys’ lives. Side note: because of God leading me to Danira and Danira never giving up on us and because I was able to mostly follow her direction to go back into the psych hospital again, not that I was given much of a choice in the matter, we now have a counselor that knows what they are talking about and is able to help us move forward in our recovery in both the mental and addiction aspects. NO MATTER WHAT is a statement I only knew in a bad way. I would say NO MATTER WHAT I was going to be dead by the time I was 16, 18, 20, 25,30 years old now I say NO MATTER WHAT we are going to keep going and keep fighting this fight because I have 2 little boys that need me. NO MATTER WHAT my ex does to me NO MATTER WHAT anyone does to me we do not need to drink or use to fix it despite what the others might think in the head.

So, to the newcomer I want to leave you with this message NO MATTER WHAT it takes it is a one day, one moment at a time program and it is spiritual progress not perfection, it is a “we” program not an “I” program and these men and women will stand with you to fight this disease as long as you let them in.

WE DON’T DRINK OR USE NO MATTER FUCKING WHAT!!

Thank you.

#recovery #aa #aa meeting #12 steps #birthday #milestone celebration #sober #sober living #recovering alcoholic #dual diagnosis #Dual diagnosis recovery #No matter what

[violetsystems]

#personal

There’s a point where you are pushing a boulder uphill where you actually think you’re pushing it over the top.  You look up.  You look down.  There’s this exact even point between joy and dread where you don’t know which way it will go.  Seeing as how it’s an exact middle point you expect it to pass.  Like this whole process goes on for a year and you emerge mentally “over it.”  You expect something to change outside of your skill at rolling the boulder.  You say to yourself that you can keep doing this all day like some juiced up eighties American action hero.  And then you look up and down again to observe your process.  It’s still limbo.  You might even become strong enough to maintain this mirage of an ascent while doing other things.  Watching a movie or a television show.  Play a game on your phone.  But the boulder is always there.  The positioning is different these days.  It feels like I keep pushing the boulder and the hill keeps stretching.  Like there’s a bulldozer dumping other people’s shit onto the incline.  Which makes it seem I’m climbing up a relentless garbage pile of other people’s baggage, perceptions, and detritus.  This is essentially true particularly in the city I live in.  Which mind you living in a city is much closer to the edge than where I came from.  I lived in the suburbs for half my life.  It felt like the bottom.  An Irish and Italian Catholic suburb plagued by hard drugs and abuse.  I eventually found a job in the city through my friends at the time.  And later I eventually found a place to live.  And I have lived in this city long enough to know there isn’t really something wrong with me.  The incline is easy enough but sinking in other people’s shit seems to be the norm.  Around here whether it’s Chicago or America, people like to disarm you by making your priorities seem selfish.  We’re all in this together after all.  In times of crisis, we pull together and help our own.  Which is a reminder that for about a year I’ve been isolated taking care of my own.  I spent about as much time per day trying to engage people on LinkedIn without any real success.  It is place where I feel I’m successful at showing the professional side of me.  Sort of like Tumblr is a place I feel like I’m successful showing the human and empathic side of me.  Which one feels like the boulder?  After all the years I’ve spent writing to the void here, I’ve seen a connection.  Expecting too much is what shatters hopes and dreams.  But I have spent a really long time expecting the very least and being given less.  In a twisted turn of fate, I have a lot more financially than I may have in my previous life.  To have to label it previous is a sure sign I stopped pushing that boulder a long time ago.  I was forced to.  Left with a realization that the world is bigger than this and yet I can’t seem to escape it.  I played a game of magic yesterday online.  Sometimes lately the player names are a little too telling.  I had just built a Tiamat deck so I tested it out in Standard Ranked.  The username popped up as “Escapeurf8yt.”  I quit Hearthstone for less.  The last two games I played in that Blizzard game were so sus that the player names were meant to trigger me.  That last match was against a player named “Imcomingforyou.”   Nerds aren’t the most delicate when they have their chance to wield power.  I won the Tiamat game without even having to play Tiamat.  But it left me with a similar feeling.  Why do I try to be part of things that don’t have any real modicum of respect for other people’s feelings and identity?  

That example could be chalked up as being a little too sensitive I guess.  Every time I walk around the neighborhood lately it’s like I have to tiptoe around people’s feelings.  I’ve gotten mad at my situation more times than I can count the last year.  Anybody would.  I lost all my ground.  I lost everything and yet gained something in the process.  People whispered behind my back and watched.  Looking for clues to pin the blame on my downfall on me.  And yet for all the new things I tried and did to survive, I’m still pushing the same generic boulder to most people.  I’m not even good enough to be recognized as a writer by the broad public.  I’m some sneaky individual that everyone feels it’s their duty to check up on at the expense of my civil rights and general mood.  The gaslighting is at the very center.  That nobody wants to address the elephant in the room.  They can’t really.  And maybe it’s for the best.  Because the way I see everything from the inside out is troubling.  Nothing has returned to normal.  People’s privilege has been laid bare and somehow everyone is looking for the scapegoat to deflect the blame.  I’m sick of it.  Everybody being so nosy and confrontational with nothing to offer expect a bad attitude and a jokey stare.  This is why I no longer go out for anything other than groceries.  Why I decide to have things delivered instead of having to participate in a clown show parade of well intended bullshit.  Why everybody speaks for me when no one has spoken a kind word to me at all.  Everybody expects me to reach out and fix the trust they broke with me.  And it gets sadder and sadder that people don’t understand that I’m pretty much a boarded up house at this point.  Living in a little shack enclosed by people’s expectations and barriers.  Time just keeps passing.  People do keep reading.  But here is where I feel people have the most context at how horrible I feel after all of this.  Some of it is for the best.  The community people ask for in the real world without deserving it is non existent or coerced.  I know this because I’ve been welcome down here in the bowels of the internet.  You don’t expect the community here to cross the line.  Even when it does, it is a more delicate and slow process how you let people into your life.  In the real world, it’s abrasive, clumsy and inconsiderate.  And I dance around it all just the same.  But there’s a point when it just becomes macabre.  People out there might say they know me.  But I’m the one out here alone constantly.  I have a full year to prove it.  More than that to be honest.  I just gave up on trying to figure out everything that happened before that.  I’ve lost my own history in that regard.  I will never reboot my dj career.  I will never be accepted as a writer.  I will never be good enough to be called an artist.  I remember this intense discussion I had with an ex during a break up.  We were living together at the time.  We had been together for about a decade at that point.  We lived in the eastern side of this neighborhood at the time.  It was designated by the developer as an artist’s neighborhood.  My girlfriend at the time was a photographer.  I was mostly her assistant.  I paid most of the rent.  We were at a crossroads.  She cheated on me in front of my face in front of our house.  Even after telling her to go, she wouldn’t leave.  She told me to my face that I didn’t belong there because I wasn’t an artist.  I also gave up my car in that breakup.  I’m realizing just recently the reason I never renewed my driver’s license was because I knew I would never afford a car again after I lost that one.  Which is a great thing to remember when State officials yell at you asking why you haven’t renewed it.

The world says it gives a fuck.  It doesn’t show it.  It doesn’t act.  If it did we would never be in this situation.  I know this because I was born to survive.  I have pushed many boulders up many hills.  So much so that I’m grey and over the hill.  And apparently completely fucking meaningless to most people.  Only good enough to speak through T-shirts and guerilla marketing.  There’s a level beyond that I know.  There are people that actually care but the situation is impossible at best.  I’m supposed to see this and accept this out of love, care and attention.  And for a few people I barely know, I do.  The person I care about the most probably knows this too.  But I don’t know anything.  It’s blind faith.  Which is saying a lot for spending two paragraphs saying I have faith in nothing around me.  I don’t,  That’s the curse.  Seeing it how it really is.  Knowing you’ve spent half your life pushing up a boulder for other people that wasn’t worth the slough.  I gained some muscle mass.  Some context to my backstory.  But my life is dead in the fucking water aside from having actual net income.  Kanye and Trump are cash poor.  This is just a fact.  I’m not.  And yet nothing has changed.  There’s no end in sight to where I need to be a year later.  Just the same disrespectful shit.  How I’m supposed to sacrifice my humanity for some rich people’s game with my emotions.  The world uses you, eats you up and spits you out.  If you are lucky to survive this you’d be me.  Has anyone out there really thought about how I feel after all of this?  How dark it must be to know the real truth and keep pushing that boulder just the same?  How tiring and exhausting it feels to be able to write it so delicately but still be so fucking misunderstood just the same?  Is my life just to be joked about backstage as some quirky subplot to steal ideas from?  You cannot be me after all of this.  I will remind you on my very last breath.  And every day that passes is a reminder that you’ve tried.  People have tried to say they know me.  People have tried to say they speak for me.  Understand my pain.  And yet I’m never good enough to acknowledge.  I’m invisible and supposedly this is my thing.  In that case it is.  From this day forward.  Let’s not beat around the fucking bush.  I got here on my own.  I bled, I cried, I screamed and I retreated into the inevitable.  How does anyone expect me to feel if I’m supposed to accept what I accept and know what I know.  I don’t really know.  I feel awful.  I feel broken.  And I feel like everyone who cares about me knows this by now.  And the stakes are higher than my personal feelings about it all.  But my words are meant for people who read them to understand me better for the love of it.  Not to get a jump on me.  Not to subvert me.  Not to teach me a lesson or use me as a stereotype.  Not to be a punching bag or scapegoat for communities who would rather burn me at the stake than hear what I have to say.  In that you will forever fail.  I love the culture that swirls down here.  I love how hardcore it is without pinging the radar for the vultures and the marketing teams.  And yet we have this power that still goes ignored.  Gets laughed at.  Joked about.  Talked over because people are vapid, bored and only succeed by watching other’s fail.  I dropped that boulder a long time ago.  It apparently has not smashed the opposition yet.  It is a long way down as it’s been a long way up.  Tough at the top for sure.  But there’s only room enough up here for two.  And that seat is taken.  <3 Tim

[forgottenbones]

Is socialism good?

I sometimes say I'm a socialist, and if it'll annoy the right people in the moment, a communist. I once annoyed a man so much that he took a job on an oil rig to get out of my vicinity. But when it comes down to it it's not really useful to try to weigh up a label in summation. Figuring out what name to call something, and then trying to give it a score based on the good/bad things that have been done by people who SAID they fit that label, doesn't seem too useful. Really, we're talking about the state of societies we live in or which exist around us, how to look at them, what the problems appear to be, and what the solutions might be. I think the most useful methods are the ones that involve looking at the dynamics and antagonisms in a given society. For example: Penalty rates. In Australia, the minimum wage is higher if you're working overtime or weekends, late nights, or early mornings. This law means that minimum wage workers make more money for doing work people are less likely to want to do. It creates an incentive to want to do those things, but it also increases their standard of living, and also enriches the economy - the worker has more money to buy things, and thus contributes more in spending and in taxes. However, bosses would prefer not to pay them as much. Their objective is also to make the most money. And, generally speaking, people who own large companies have more money to lobby governments with and more control and influence than low income workers. In 2017, the penalty rates were cut by the Liberal Party, saving their donors a ton of money, reducing the take-home pay of some of society's most vulnerable workers, obviously impacting their quality of life. But also: OOPS! You fucking fucked up the whole fucking economy, fucker. Because that's money they're NOT spending on food, clothes, electronics, things people buy. The knock on effect was huge. The cuts led to the weakest three months of consumer spending since 2008. Remember the global financial crisis? Out of interest: Last year, Australia's national debt increased FASTER THAN IT EVER DID DURING THE GLOBAL FINANCIAL CRISIS. Things got worse, for everyone - society's lowest income workers, every company they bought anything from, everyone THEY employed or bought things from, the entire country's economy, EVERYONE, but a couple of companies made a brief saving on penalty rates to their low-income workers. Undoing disastrous ideas like that, and looking at resolving the core power dynamics that lead to them happening, is an idea I think most people can get behind. I don't think you need to call that socialism. Who cares what we call it? We'll figure out what to call it when we put the fires out.

(x)

#hbomberguy #answers