#has always sounded like menopause to me

[adurna0]

Ah yes, I love drow cities like Ust Natha, Ched Nassad, Eryndlyn and

checks writing on hand

Menopause

#forgotten realms #the forgotten realms #drow #faerun #menzoberranzan #has always sounded like menopause to me #I’m sorry

[nothorses]

Wait do most guys on t not 'get soaking wet'? I mean I've always 'overlubed' a bit, but but I've been on t a little while now and I feel like I get wetter now than I used to, which is saying a lot. Am I that abnormal?

I'd say it's abnormal in the sense that it's not the common experience, but I don't think that means you need to be concerned about it.

"Vaginal atrophy" means a lot of things, but essentially, it's the same thing that happens during menopause (which also means that resources for people experiencing menopause are often helpful to people with vaginas on testosterone HRT). The hormones that keep that tissue healthy are no longer present in the way they used to be, so the tissue is atrophying over time.

My personal experience has been that while my libido went up & I experience arousal more frequently/intensely, my body's physical response to arousal- lubrication & relaxation of pelvic muscles for easier penetration- is pretty significantly reduced, and takes a lot longer to happen to the degree that I need it to in order for penetration to be comfortable. i.e., I am dryer and tighter. I also have found that I'm dryer overall, and sometimes feel itchy because of that; a little lube helped me go about my day when it first started happening, now I don't really notice it.

During my last pap smear, my doctor noted minor redness, inflammation, and irritation, which she said was typical of folks on testosterone HRT & wasn't anything to worry about. The skin is more delicate and easier to irritate, and that's about all.

You might be experiencing some but not all of the symptoms of vaginal atrophy, or you might be experiencing them more mildly, or you might be early enough in the process that it hasn't been noticeable yet. If you feel like you're actually lubricating more than you used to before HRT, I would also wonder if maybe your libido is just higher? But I'm not a doctor, let alone your doctor, and I have no way of making a worthwhile guess here.

If you're getting the changes you went on T for, like... "vaginal atrophy" is not typically one of the desirable changes anyway, and unless you actively want that, you probably don't need to worry about it. You can and should talk to a doctor if you're feeling concerned about any of this at all, though- I'm just sharing my own personal experiences.

Also, for everyone reading this:

"Vaginal atrophy" can sound scary, but

It's normal and natural, and it happens to everyone with a vagina who gets old enough for menopause to start,

It's entirely- and easily!- treatable, and

It's a reversible effect of testosterone HRT, and things will return to normal given a little time should you ever choose to stop.

You might consider asking your doctor about topical estrogen cream if you want to reverse the effects of vaginal atrophy without interfering with your T. This is also a common treatment for folks who go through menopause.

There are lubes out there specifically for folks experiencing vaginal atrophy as well; they're designed not to irritate fragile skin, and they can be helpful if you're experiencing a stinging sensation during penetration with normal lube (though again, talk to your doctor!! Please!!)

And as a side note: some people who go on T experience cramping (a lot like menstrual cramps) after a few years, and you can also often treat this with topical estrogen cream. I had some pretty severe recurring cramping that went away after a few weeks using topical estrogen cream. If a doctor tries to tell you that the only way to stop this cramping is by getting a hysterectomy, I would consider researching topical estrogen cream and getting a second opinion.

And lastly:

Talk to you doctor!!

#hrt #testosterone #testosterone hrt #transition #transmasc #transmasculine #ftm

[grison-in-space]

sorry I know this was not your point in the intersex post but I was wondering how you deal with your facial hair? I'm a cis woman and have lots of chin and facial hair (not to mention absurd body hair, as well as progressive hair loss on my head) and it's been pretty devastating for my self esteem. I have never been a beauty and now that chronic illness and age is catching up to me I have a hard time not feeling subhuman (the debilitating anxiety does not help).

My doctor insists I don't have PCOS and that my hormones are normal after multiple tests and 2nd opinions I've gotten have said the same. I tried laser and it seemed to make it worse, and I liked electrolysis and did many sessions over six months but it's not affordable to me at the moment and it seems it's all grown back? But it's been a few years so maybe it's just new growth. I am hoping to restart the electrolysis if I ever get close to having a comfortable financial situation again lol.

I find shaving it feels awful, the stubble is painful and I have a five o clock shadow like 2 hours later, but spending 30 minutes plucking every day is also not fun. Waxing just always rips off my skin and misses enough hairs to be annoying, even when I've gotten it professionally done.

It's absolutely driving me mad but it feels like I have no options to do anything about it.

I am so sorry, Anon: the chin and neck hair hits me in a bad sensory place as much as or more so than the visual side of it, so I compulsively pluck it as it appears. (I pretty much ignore everywhere else.)

My experience with laser hair was that it at least lightened and softened the hairs that were produced where I had it as a teenager, which makes plucking feel less necessary. Occasionally I contemplate one of those at home laser hair kits, but I've never actually gotten around to grabbing one.

That said, the level of androgenization you're describing is absolutely high enough to be worth seeking care for. Check whether your insurance has provisions for gender affirming care. You may also be a good candidate for spironolactone (for the thinning hair) or HRT, particularly if you're post menopausal. You're probably still going to be grappling with hair until you can do another electrolysis or laser session, but those should help you with keeping facial hair from coming back.

Have you seen a dedicated endocrinologist? It's also worth seeking an expert opinion, because the specific suite of symptoms you're describing certainly do sound like something unusual is going on whether or not it's PCOS.

[ghoulie-67-baby]

Overtired- Criminal Minds.

Summary: Penelope is working a case in the early hours and you can’t sleep without your girlfriend by your side.

Prompts: ‘C’mere, you can sit in my lap until I’m done working.’

Warnings: fluff, Penelope being a top tier Girlfriend, Domsub (depending on your mindset), medication mentions, little angsty.

Pairing: Penelope Garcia x GN!reader.

Word count: 859.

A yawn ripped from my throat as I tossed and turned in bed. I shivered, missing Penelope's warmth in our bed, and if fed out a heavy sigh. She had been dragged out of bed because of a case and though I knew it was incredibly important, it still irritated me.

Warm light spread from the living room alongside hushed voices. I knew I wouldn't sleep until they all left so I swung my legs from the covers and slipped on my slippers. JJ had bought them for my birthday, they had cupcakes on them because that was my nickname for Henry. Yanking my gown off a hanger, I wandered towards the light. For moments, nobody noticed me standing there in my pyjamas, dressing gown hanging loosely over my shoulders.

"Hey babydoll," Derek greeted me as he spotted me, smiling softly, using the nickname that matched Penelope's. "We didn't wake you did we?" I shook my head, stepping into a hug as he held out his arms to me.

"It's okay, haven't been sleeping great anyway." I buried my head in his shoulder as I stifled a yawn.

"It's nice to see you Y/N," Pulling out f the hug, I grinned at my girlfriend's boss. "Sorry about the timing."

"You too Hotch, pretty bad case, huh?" I wandered towards the kitchen to grab some water, seeing a brief, serious nod. I could feel the irritation and lack of sleep beginning to make me antsy as I watched the team working. My eyes rested on Penelope who was sucked into her screen, working as quickly as she could despite the bags under her eyes.

"Not to sound rude but how long is this going to take?" My eyes flickered to the clock that read two thirty in the morning. Emily snickered at the question as I yawned again. I wasn't bothered about my own sleep at the moment but Penelope needed rest too and she hadn't been sleeping great either.

"Impossible to say," Rossi gave me a sympathetic smile from his seat in the armchair. My shoulders deflated at the statement, my over-tiredness starting to take over. I always got emotional when I was tired.

"You okay, Peach?" My girl looked at me with concerned eyes, patting the arm of the sofa in invitation. I shuffled over, sinking onto the arm and staring at the non-sensical codes on the screen.

"M'just tired Penny," I shrugged it off. "I'll be fine."

"Have you tried any herbal remedies? Valerian root is supposed to be good for sleep troubles alongside menopause and anxiety." My lip twitched in amusement as Spencer spoke. "A study has shown that taking five hundred and thirty milligrams of Valerian every night for thirty days has had a significant improvement in sleep quality, latency and duration compared to a placebo in people who had undergone heart surgery."

"It doesn't work, and if you're insinuating I'm going through menopause then I suggest you hold your tongue, Doctor." I teased, smiling slightly as he ducked his head in embarrassment.

"Have you had your meds, Peach?" Penelope murmured whilst she worked. "They'll help you sleep."

"No, I haven't and I won't." My voice was colder than I had intended but Melatonin never reacted well with me. "I'd rather not sleep at all than put up with nightmares thank you." Her hand lifted to rest on my thigh, squeezing it comfortingly.

"Babydoll, we've spoken about this." Derek's voice was laced with concern but firm. I didn't hold back my glare as the burning in my throat started up again from holding back tears.

"I don't care." I sounded pathetic like a child being scolded by a parent.

"Y/N that's enough," The hand on my thigh tightened in a warning and I tangled my fingers in my lap as I held back tears.

"You want me to come and sit with you whilst Penelope works, Honey?" JJ's offer was sweet but I didn't want to leave Penny's side. Shaking my head, I sunk into myself a little, looking down at my girlfriend with blurred eyes.

Placing her laptop on the table, she shifted her stuff around before looking back up at me. Hotch shuffled where he stood like he was expecting her to kick them out.

"C'mere Peach," she motioned for me to get off the arm of the sofa. "You can sit in my lap until I'm done working." I sluggishly climbed onto her lap, legs straddling hers as I leaned against her chest. I'd forgotten all about the team watching us as I buried my head into her neck and relaxed into the embrace and warmth. I didn't care that they'd witnessed the whole thing, didn't care about any opinion they formed or their reaction. I didn't care because I was warm and comfortable, the sound of keys tapping and muttering fading into the background as I found myself lulled into a state of half-sleep by her gentle breathing and occasional kiss to the top of my head.

The mix of all those stimulants had me drifting for a while before my body finally succumbed to sleep, giving up fighting the exhaustion.

#criminal minds #criminal minds x reader #penelope garcia #criminal minds fanfiction #penelope garcia x reader

[alivingmel]

GOT MY LAST CHEMO INFUSION ON WEDNESDAY BABEEE, feelin' like garbage but finally can recover without another scheduled dose of suffering on the horizon.

MORE ABOUT MY EXPERIENCE AND ""FUN"" FACTS ABOUT CHEMOTHERAPY (under the cut):

-There are over a hundred chemo drugs used to fight cancer! Alkylating agents, antimetabolites, anti-tumor antibiotics, topoisomerase inhibitors, the list goes on. . . Some are administered intravenously, some are taken orally, some are injected with a needle, and some even come in wafer form (surgically placed near a tumor)!

-My treatment regimen involved five different chemo drugs. . . 12 weeks of paclitaxel and carboplatin (every week), 8 weeks of doxorubicin and cyclophosphamide (every other week), and Keytruda (every 4 weeks, I think? lost track lmao) throughout.

-DOXORUBICIN (also known as Adriamycin) is one of the most infamous chemo drugs. Its nasty list of side effects and bright red color has earned it the nickname "The Red Devil". You have to get an echocardiogram before recieving doxorubicin because it can cause serious heart problems. For this reason, there's a maximum cumulative dose. You also piss bright red after it's administered!!!

-PACLITAXEL (also known as Taxol) comes from an interesting source. . . The bark of the Pacific yew tree! Makes you wonder how many cures for diseases are hiding in plain sight. . . Or being covered up by the pharmaceutical industry because they aren't profitable enough. :')

-My understanding of chemo from TV and movies made me believe it made you puke nonstop. . . But, because doctors anticipate the nausea, they have plenty of preventative treatments so it's not nearly as common a side effect as it once was. I didn't throw up once! But I did get nasty heartburn and plenty of bowel issues to make up for it, yikes. (I once was someone that got anxiety about bringing up embarrassing problems to my doctors, this experience has bled me dry of shame. . .)

-You don't always have to lose all your hair either! For those recieving meds that cause hair loss, cooling caps are an option. They're expensive, but some hospitals (including mine, thankfully) have programs for those that can't afford them. (Partly because nurses weren't too keen on helping only the richest patients keep their hair.) Cooling caps work by chilling your scalp, reducing the amount of blood flow (and thus chemo drugs) that reaches your hair follicles. IT FEELS LIKE THE WORST BRAIN FREEZE EVER BECAUSE IT ENCASES YOUR SKULL IN ICE AND IT ADDS LIKE 3 HOURS ONTO YOUR INFUSION VISIT, but hey! I kept like 50% of my hair, and I would have kept more if it wasn't for the goddamn doxorubicin (which is notoriously tough on hair). MY IDENTITY IS VERY HAIR-BASED so it made me feel better.

-Of course, you don't just lose hair on your head, though! First went the pubes, then the armpits, eyebrows, and now my eyelashes are on their way out. . . Arm and leg hairs seem the most resilient (in my case, anyway).

-THE BEST (aka worst) side effect of chemo for me, personally, has been the chemically induced menopause. Chemo causes you to temporarily lose your period, which sounded like a huge bonus! Until the hot flashes and the night sweats started. Not fun to deal with during the summer!!! I hope this is extra intense because of it being more abrupt than naturally occuring menopause, otherwise I DREAD getting this shit for real in the future, yowza.

-Because chemo drugs are tough on your veins (and can cause serious tissue damage if an IV isn't placed correctly), patients often get a port-a-cath placed in their chest to make the constant blood draws and infusions easier. I got one and I CANNOT WAIT TO GET IT OUT. It's internal, but you can feel the plastic disc "target" where they stick the IV cuz it's right under the skin and it gives me the heebie jeebies UGHHH. . . Also one of my cats almost stuck his filthy nail in it and that would've been DISASTER. . .

-The 20-34 age group only makes up 2.7% of all cancer cases. . . Which I definitely noticed in the waiting rooms! I felt out of place and didn't end up talking to many other patients, but the nurses were all very kind to me.

-It might go without saying, but where you go for treatment matters big time!!! The local hospital I got diagnosed at dragged their ass on scheduling me for a mammogram (putting me at risk for metastasis). . . And the chemo regimen they presented to me afterwards was either outdated or not specifically geared toward Triple Negative breast cancer cuz it was pretty different than the regimen I ended up on (which is supported by the most current research). . . I'm lucky enough to be close enough to Boston that I could travel up there for treatment! If you have a life-threatening condition, it's worth making the trip to the nearest city with a good hospital, believe me. (Getting stuck in traffic after treatment sucks HARD though, god.)

#that was the second worst health experience of my life #(number one still goes to “unmedicated bipolar II” though) #anyways I can't tell if my heart is actually beating weird or I'm just paranoid about heart failure now so I'm gonna lie down

[slashingdisneypasta]

Inkubus x Fem!Soulmate!Reader || Drabble

Plot: This is about two people who were undoubtedly meant for each other, but who’s lives did not fit together; With a sweet ending. *I wanted to write something 60-70 percent sad, 40-30 percent happy, and full of a familiar kinda love ^^ This is that! Its also a good excuse to call Inkubus ‘young man’ XD

Warnings: You’re an old woman and your death is definitely coming.

Tagging: @marinerainbow , @masqueradeball and @your-mxnd-is-mxne .

You’re a very old woman when he finally comes back to you.

You’re standing and looking out the window when the front door unlocks, no key needed, and someone slips in behind you. It could be a robber, but you doubt it; Not that you would have moved at all if it had been. You’re too old, too tired, too… dying. Its close, you know.

And that’s why you know exactly who’s back.

It’s been at least 40 years since he said he would see you again. At least he kept his word; you have to give him that. Even if he is a few decades later then you thought, even if he is just in time.

He always had excellent, albeit unfortunate timing.

Nevertheless you greet him with a warm grin- 30 years ago, you would have greeted this man with your knuckles to his face, but honestly your urge to hit him went away with menopause. Now, you don’t have time anymore to hold a grudge against him. Now, the warm afternoon sun is on your face and your favourite person is back. Its as simple as that.

When you glance away from the window, an odd calm feeling filling you up as soon as you see Inkubus for the first time in so long (A feeling that you don’t think you’ve felt since the last time. Like everything is right again now that he’s here), he’s removing his coat and leaving it on the back of your couch.

Like he lives here. Like he’s lived here with you this whole time. Right where he should have been.

Almost laughing, you roll your eyes. He still has brass balls, you see.

“… you took your time.” You finally speak, the words coming out stronger than you thought they would. Still weak, still tired, still old- but not once does your voice waiver.

“My apologies, dear. I was held up.”

The sound of his voice makes your heart plummet down underground, the sound just as perfect and devastating as it had been before. Better then you remember. “Mhm… “

For a moment you’re not sure what’s going to happen, next- is he going to take one good look at you and be disappointed? Disgusted? Would he pick up his coat and leave again? For a split millisecond you feel insecure about yourself, you feel old like one of those witches in a Brothers Grimm fairytale and you hate yourself for it, but you worry he wont like you anymore; this way.

Like a child.

Instead though a soft, though of course still mischievous, grin slips across Inkubus own old-face and he meets you at the window, taking your delicate hand and kissing it. Your eyes widen, still feeling like a child now- but in a good way. A silly, hopeless, butterflies-in-the-pit-of-your-stomach, hot-in-the-face, kind of way. “… why don’t we get you to a chair, dear.”

You’re quick to act stubborn, shaking your head. “I can stand.”

Theirs that amused twinkle in his eye that is so familiar with but felt so far away for so long. “Y/N I’ve been gone from you for a very long time and I missed out on assisting you all these years, so please… allow me to help you to a chair.”

… Your ankles are cramping, actually, so alright- Giving in, you offer a shrug and a gentle smile. While he guides you to your favourite chair by the hand, you decide to conversationally… rip into him. A little. “You know- you didn’t need to be gone so long, young man.”

“I had some things I needed to attend to.” He insists, once again not giving you any details- which is just fine. Knowing him, you don’t want to know. … It might actually put you in cardiac arrest. “And- “ A chuckle escapes him as you sit down which make you grin wider. “Young man, Y/N??”

“Hey, you used to call me young lady- I can finally return the favour!”

“Not really.”

“I’m finally older than you!”

“Not even slightly are you older than me, my dear.” Inkubus assures, standing behind your chair with his hands on the back. You turn your head and look up at him, screwing up your nose. “See? Still a child.”

“Oy!- “ You are an 83 year old woman, thanks so much-

When he rounds the chair to kneel in front of you and take hold both your hands this time, your mood sobers again, seeing that happy look in his eyes that you know he’s only ever gotten when he was around you. Taking a deep breath, you bite the bullet and address the elephant in the room. He should know already, that would be why he’s here you would wager, but you still need to say it. For him and for you. “… you know I’m about to die, don’t you?”

Theirs a grave, grim tinge to his expression now. “… well I wasn’t about to miss your final act was I, sweetheart?”

Quietly, so quietly, almost silently, you ask wince and ask; “… is it going to be tonight?”

He just gives you a serious-stern look, yes, and you sigh. Well alright. You suppose it is time. “Thanks for coming, then.”

“Wouldn’t have missed it for the world.” He grins, and you know by this he means he wouldn’t have missed seeing you a last time for the world, not that he wouldn’t have missed you dying for the world, despite his odd and unfortunate phrasing. It does make you give a little huff of a laugh, though. Hopeless demon.

“Glad to hear it. … So you’re staying for the evening?”

“Oh, I’m making you dinner in fact.”

“Oh??” Your eyes light up, an actual full smile spreading across your face. He’s going to cook for you?? He’s staying??

“Mhm… “

“Well- “You laugh. “I hope you brought groceries because I’ve been living on canned spaghetti.”

With a chuckle, Inkubus rolls his eyes. “Honestly dear I would have thought you knew by now- I’m always prepared.

And also very concerned about your diet lately. Canned  spaghaetti??  This is probably why you’re on deaths door, love.”

Your jaw drops and you promptly flick him, before he gets up and presses a kiss to lips that hadn’t kissed for the 40 years he had been gone. Your eyelids fall immediately closed on impact and you could not be happier- on the day you were dying.

#Inkubus x Reader Drabble #Inkubus x Reader #Inkubus #Drabble #Horror Villains #Horror Villains x Reader

[foxsoulcourt]

15 questions

(or the time I almost pasted a comment intended for Hunting, @roseforthethorns + Only_1_Truth's recent spicy 🌶🌶🌶 JB/Q/AT werewolf au instead of the questions to answer 👀😂)

Ty @bishybarnaby + @macontheweb for asking me to play! 💜

1. Are you named after anyone? Kind of. My mama's best friend's name was Laurie + she like the sound of it so she came up w/something similar. (Grateful my dad ix-nayed the Two Grandmother's Name idea because Patience Josephine is a l o t for one small human to shoulder.)

2. When was the last time you cried? Two nights ago during a rewatch of Madam Secretary s05 e16 The New Normal about climate change-related migrations. Before that got weepy while listening to a friend explain the complicated surgery + recovery protocol she's navigating.

3. Do you have kids? Yep, two 24 y.o. born 5 minutes apart. Very different in almost every way, currently living in two different states. Each are DeLiGhTfuL humans which makes being family a lot of fun. ~ Interestingly, this almost wasn't my story. I'm deeply grateful neither of my parents pushed marriage or kids onto my ideas for the future. I grew up knowing neither choice is for everyone, nor an indicator of a rich, full life, and well into my twenties I was utterly convinced neither were for me. ~ As life unfolded I did a shit-ton of therapy, decided to stick around this place + then later on met my person. We're well-matched in many great ways, so when things shifted inside both of us, our two came into the world. We intentionally raised + launched them aligned with our quirky values + interests which turned out to be a trickier design challenge than I anticipated. Worthy though! But, ummm, I'm STILL kinda tired, so if you choose to do the kid thing, please get more sleep than I did while you do it. Your future self will be grateful. Plus if you have ovaries, menopause is a w a y easier journey if you've been getting enough sleep beforehand. #adrenal fatigue is real

4. Do you use sarcasm? Occasionally I hint at it, but no. It makes me emotionally + physically squirm.

5. What is the first thing you notice about people? Hmmmm, intuitively I pick up how emotionally safe they are, both within themselves + how they're likely to interact with others. Next I notice what draws their eyes. Then I get curious about what they choose to wear + why. Sometimes it's the exact opposite sequence.

6. What is your eye color? Green

7. Scary movies or happy endings? Ha! Happy endings!!! CanNOT watch anything remotely scary.

8. Any special talents? After years + years of wondering WTAF, I realised I'm the human equivalent of a portable sanctuary. Not always (that would be aNnOyiNg for all involved!), but often there's something about how I listen + interact w/people that makes them feel safe enough to share something about themselves, an insight, or chitchat about A Real Thing. It happens literally a n y w h e r e. Yesterday it was w/a guy in the grocery store check out line.

9. Where were you born? Within a mile of a small beach in a formerly sleepy southern Californian town, USA; moved to the PNW when I was 12. West coast gal all the way.

10. What are your hobbies? Chopping vegetables while listening to old school jazz, reading, dinking around in the garden, going for walks to look at other people's gardens, evolving as a human being, making Mr FSC laugh so his eyes crinkle. Vague itch to pick up some sort of fabric art activities in 2023.

11. Do you have any pets? After the heart-break of nursing first one + then a second older man cat to the other side (see below), I've become an avid backyard bird watcher. This includes staring out the window at LoTs of little brown birds + talking to the neighbourhood crows.

12. What sports do you play/have you played? All my life I've been physically active, almost always outside the bounds of defined sports. In high school I swam + played on the badminton team and both were a total gas, but that was because we were a team of weirdos doing something fun together. Swimming, bike riding, hiking, sailing, skiing, dancing, walking - all of it - is for the joy of feeling my body in motion. I am so f*%ing grateful to my parents for leading by example in this way which, thankfully, I seem to have passed onto both of our kids.

13. How tall are you? 5′6" / 167 cm

14. Favorite subject in school? All of them. Seriously. I loved learning about the natural world which opened up into all.of.the.sciences. Loved learning mathematics even when it was moderately hard; stopped when it got really hard. Adored reading + writing, and then writing about what I read. Liked art + cooking + sewing (which was still taught at the time). Took Spanish + then went to Latin America to speak it. Enjoyed learning how to speak persuasively, up in front of other people. Reading this over I started laughing because it makes sense of my Uni experience! Spent a few years on a journey through most of these topics before I narrowed it down to History of Science. Which still covers almost all of them PLUS included the study of people + institutions! Grad school was focused on leadership development + how to navigate organisational change, which meant picking up organisational psychology to add into the mix.

15. Dream job? Having had s e v e r a l already + being in the 3rd act of life w/the need to make a bit more money, this is a f a s c i n a t i n g, topical + tender question. I've loved what I've done: waited tables; collaboratively created a customer service + accounting dept within a successful dot com start up within a major retailer; lay minister with teens in a queer positive church; parent; organisational change consultant. B u T, I've also experienced mental + physical exhaustion 3x. The last episode has been particularly challenging to recover from, so the question at hand is how to be moderate. I hear it's possible + have seen others achieve this goal. Recently started back up w/therapy to figure why it's been challenging for me thus far. Dream of dreams? Consultant designing + facilitating important conversations w/in organisations navigating changes in leadership styles between The Old Way + what's evolving. I'm pretty skilled at inter-generational dynamics which is a deal these days. Goal is to get paid handsomely enough for doing it part time. Stretch goal? Flesh out some scribbled notes pinned on the bulletin board >> write a couple of small square books about organisational change + Generation Flux + sTuFf.

Who else wants to play? If you're interested, @fuzzballsheltiepants, @pomponiaia, @christinefromsherwood, @anyawen, @merceyca, @leahlisabeth, @youreyestheyglow. I'm guessing any one of you will do this in 50% fewer words. 😉 Carrying forward bishy's caveat: this one is long and also personal, so feel free to nope out if you'd rather not!

Here are sweet Oscar + Mr Bingley, may they continue to rest in peace while nourishing the garden.

#15 questions #get to know me #thanks for the tag! #mac thx for idea of including cat pic! #personal #it surprised me how moving it was to answer these questions #realised once again i'm grateful my parents did the best they could with what they had #and that we've been able to do the same for our two kids #kinda shocked to realise i DID like all my classes #didn't realise that until typing this out #did i mention sleep is important #so important

[redheadgleek]

Quarter reads 2023

At the beginning of the year, I posted on facebook for book recommendations to read over the new year and had multiple friends comment with recommendations. So I’m reading books this year that I might not have otherwise.

January – The Beggar King and the Secret of Happiness by Joel Ben Izzy. FB recommendation. I was really hesitant to read this book, as it sounded very much like “all things happen for a reason” and “God has a purpose for all suffering” which is one of the things that I left behind even before leaving my religion. I’m glad I read it, as it’s been one of my favorites of the year. Beautiful interweaving of story-telling and grief. – The Bird King by G. Willow Wilson. Friend recommendation. A story of a time in history that I knew little of (the last sultan in the Iberian peninsula). It started out so good – the first 3rd was fantastic, the second 3rd was mediocre, and the last 3rd painful. So disappointing. – The White Allies Handbook: 4 Weeks to Join the Racial Justice Fight for Black Women by Lecia Michelle. A finish up from last year. I was really hoping for an anti-racism 201 type book and this was not it. Still some good points. – Flying Solo by Linda Holmes. I saw this on a friend’s end of year list and thought it sounded good (plus I really love Linda Holmes’s writing for NPR). For being written by a happily single woman, there was a lot of emphasis placed on dating relationships. – Vita Nostra by Marina and Sergey Dyachenko. Friend recommendation. I have never read a book like this. Creepy and mind blowing in a philosophical way. It’s so very Russian (or rather Ukranian) and the whole thing felt foreign. I’m on the waiting list for the sequel. – Scales and Sensibility by Stephanie Burgis. Jane Austen meets pet dragons. Recommended in one of my fantasy groups as cozy fantasy. – A Charmed Christmas by Alison Cochrun. A short-story epilogue to The Charmed Offensive. I could have done without it. – Woman on Fire by Lisa Barr. Started reading this in November of 2022 for a book club that I couldn’t attend, so it kept getting bumped. It was a good thriller, but I didn’t buy the antagonist’s motivations. – Twitter Crush: A Gen-X Medical Romance by Em S A’Cor. I got this as an ARC from a physician writing group I’m part of. The writing was fine. There were several subplots that I had issues with, including the guy getting black out drunk on their first date, a “shrill” ex-wife, and a “romance” between the vixen chief fellow and the chair department, which was gross and lecherous and blamed entirely on the fellow. And while I really do appreciate writing from one’s own experiences, descriptions of vaginal dryness from menopause and impotence from antidepressants do not fit well with a romance novel. – I Kissed Shara Wheeler by Casey McQuiston. Much better than One Last Stop. – The Return of the King by J.R.R. Tolkien, read by Andy Serkis. I’ve read the LOTR trilogy countless times – but I will admit to being guilty to skimming over Books 3 and 5 and getting to Sam and Frodo climb to Mount Doom. So there was a part in the beginning of Book 5 that I had to listen to twice because I’m pretty sure I’ve never registered it before. Anyway, Andy’s voice was amazing as always and I almost want to listen to the whole thing again. (He’s recording the Silmarillion right now, so maybe I’ll be finally about to get through that book). – And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie. My first Christie. It was a good murder mystery and I hadn’t quite figured it out by the end. – All Systems Red by Martha Wells. An enjoyable read, although I think I need to read the rest of the series in order to properly judge it. – They Both Die at the End by Adam Silvera. Pretty much as it advertises on the tin. The premise gave me anxiety.

February – Moloka’i by Alan Brennert. Friend recommendation. Read this on my way back from a vacation in Hawai’i. Lovely story of perseverance and a good picture into old Hawaiian culture and the perfect cap to a wonderful vacation. – Healer and Witch by Nancy Werlin. A young healer tries to find a teach while navigating investigations by the Inquisition. Reminded me of T Kingfisher’s A Wizard’s Guide to Defensive Baking. Not fond of romances between 15 and 24 year olds though. -* Emily Wilde’s Encyclopaedia of Faeries by Heather Fawcett. Loved this one. Emily’s a professor in the study of fairies exploring a small village trying to figure out their secrets and she can’t get along with the villagers and her too charming colleague sweeps in. I can’t wait for the sequel. – I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy. Audiobook. Friend recommendation. This one has been circulating my social groups because she was raised Mormon. That ended up making up very little of her memoir, rather it was more focused on her eating disorder and her relationship with her mom. It was an abrupt ending though and felt incomplete. An easy listen – each chapter was ~ 2-5 minutes. – Ejaculate Responsibly: A Whole New Way to Think About Abortion by Gabrielle Stanley Blair. Like everyone else, I was completely taken by her viral twitter thread about how men bear all of the responsibility of unwanted pregnancies. This was a meatier exploration and well worth the read.

March -* Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner. Book club read. A beautiful book exploring mother-daughter relationships, grief, and culture. One of my favorites that I’ve read so far this year. – Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again: Women and Desire in the Age of Consent by Katharine Angel. Book club read. It’s been a while since I read a book where “feminism” was flung around like a dirty word (and yet, I think if you asked the author, she would tell you that she’s a feminist). The last part, exploring vulnerability, was great, but there was absolutely no discussion about how it was as unrealistic in sex as consent culture, which she chided for pages. – Autoboyography by Christina Lauren. Friend recommendation. Two boys fall in love in a high school in Provo, UT – the setting was so perfectly Provo that I was transported back there, but there were inconsistencies in the depiction of Mormonism that I’m pretty sure other fans wouldn’t have picked up on. – Fairy Tale by Stephen King. Friend recommendation. Also my first King book read. There was so much that I loved about it – the world setting was fantastic. It started to drag and become formulaic towards the middle end. I did nearly throw the book in disgust at the ending, because we couldn’t possibly have a 17 year old boy go back to the Real World without losing his virginity to a random character he never interacted with, right? Bah. – This Here Flesh: Spirituality, Liberation, and the Stories That Make Us by Cole Arthur Riley. Friend recommendation. I’m not sure that I am the right audience for this book as I no longer see myself as Christian or really believe in God or Christ at all anything, but, the storytelling was gorgeous and poetic, and some parts resonated deeply. It certainly is a brand of Christianity that I wish more would get behind. – The Very Secret Society of Irregular Witches by Sangu Mandanna. Very much enjoyed this story. Had a lot of the same charm as The House in the Cerulean Sea. – The Gravity of Us by Phil Stamper. I was expecting a weightier book, something like The Darkness Outside Us. It was okay for what it was. – The Queer Principles of Kit Webb by Cat Sebastian. I walked into the book thinking it was a sapphic romance – nope! A fun little gay highwayman romantic romp, but was left a little unfinished. – The Perfect Crimes of Marian Hayes by Cat Sebastian. The sequel to above. The questions were mostly answered here and it was a good conclusion to the series. – The Mimicking of Known Successes by Malka Older. A friend and I tried out the “Buddy Read” function on StoryGraph for this and it was like a virtual book club where we could make comment and respond to each other. The mystery sort of fell apart for me, but it was an enjoyable novella.

Currently reading: – The Ten Thousand Doors of January. Picked this one up in January and just haven’t gotten into it. – Sister Outsider by Audre Lorde. I’ve realized that I’ve read very little in terms of classic feminist works. It’s just a slog for me to get through nonfiction works. – Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell by Susanna Clark (audiobook). I started to read JS shortly after it was published but I didn’t get more than half way through before it was due back to the library. It’s a slooooooow going book. Over 32 hours. It’ll be my commute book for the next 2 months at least. – A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki. Book club read

Other friend recommendations for the year: The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield The School for Good Mothers by Jessamine Chan What My Bones Knew: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma by Stephanie Foo Frogs in A Pot by K.D. Kinz (written by a nurse I used to work with.) Scythe by Neal Shusterman Kaikeyi by Vaishnavi Patel Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zavin Anxious People by Fredrik Backman The Emperor’s Soul by Brandon Sanderson Sweet Like Jasmine by Bonnie Gray Remarkably Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelk (What would you all recommend? I’d like to round it out to 24 books).

Books picked up from the library: Glitterland by Alexis Hall, An Absolutely Remarkable Thing by Hank Green, The Rose That Grew From Concrete: a collection of poetry by Tupac Shakur.

#reading #book club lists #reading goals 2023

[transgendergoblinfromspace]

Things I have learned since being medically placed into menopause:

Hot flashes aren’t just feeling hot. It feels like flushing. It can cause nausea and irritability and anxiety because it’s extremely uncomfortable. When my ovaries were still starting to shut down was when the hot flashes like that were the worst. I still get them occasionally but for the most part I’m just hot all the time. Even short sleeve t shirts have been too much with it being summertime.

Menopause can cause severe constipation(TMI I know) but it has me using mirilax in the morning and before bed because if not, I can’t go. This lead to constipation so bad that it interfered with my ability to pee and caused me to get an extremely bad uti in a matter of days.

Menopause increases urine production and causes me to have to pee more often than before which was already a good bit because of my undersized bladder and kidneys.

Night sweats. Every night. I have to keep water on my night stand at all times because I’m sweating so much between summer and night sweats that I get dehydrated.

My insomnia is so bad that even with ambien, and a sleep aid, and putting my phone away, and everything I can think of, I’m still up until 2-4am most of the time.

Fatigue has increased which sucks because I’m disabled and already have chronic fatigue and chronic pain. Im always exhausted.

Mood swings have started to be a thing, or feeling no emotions and flat, or being pissed. I’ve had to start taking a new anxiety medicine because of it.

This is where I’m at so far but as bad as it sounds and honestly fucking is, it’s worth it. At least I know what to expect after my hysterectomy.

#personal #menopause #Lupron #endometriosis #PCOS #medically induced menopause #I’m so ready for my referral #i need this uterus and ovaries out

[i-am-literally-deranged]

I don't doubt that a big part of his narcolepsy is trauma and also his burnout and his whole young parentification thing. But now I'm wondering if a factor that played into this is all the smoke he inhaled the day Nageki burnt down the medical center

That's a fascinating interesting idea. My interest in Hitori has caused me to do like, an unholy amount of research into Narcolepsy in an effort to answer the question of why young Hitori didn't have the condition, but current day Hitori does.

So the way that Narcolepsy is developed, usually you will have a genetic fault that's sort of like a "seed" that can be activated under certain circumstances. These circumstances being a bad run in with the flu, hormonal changes such as puberty or menopause, a sudden and extreme disturbance in sleep patterns, and (this is the most relevant one) major psychological distress.

Given that he was able to attend all of Kazuaki's classes for him and generally take care of him without this being too heavy of a burden, and also considering the fact that it's never mentioned in the doujin, Hitori probably didn't develop narcolepsy until AFTER he stole Kazuaki's identity.

So I think that paints quite the distinct picture.... After taking on this new identity, Hitori had more time to himself than he ever had before in his whole life. And he received all this time in the wake of some of the greatest tragedies of his life. The traumatic loss of Nageki, and the loss of his own innocence when he took his first life. I'd also be willing to bet that he hadn't thought about or processed the loss of the Hatoful House yet either, instead throwing himself entirely into caring for Nageki and never giving himself a moment to breathe so he didn't have to think about it. And now he had nothing to do but to think.

Hitori is an ambush predator. He lies in wait. Hitori patiently, so patiently waits for Shuu to trust him, to begin to see him as part of the background, to ignore him, all so that when he opens the door to the old medical facility once again, he won't know what hit him when Hitori finally strikes. It's a fantastic strategy. But it is also a very very slow one. With far too much room to think. Hitori has never lived slowly before. He's always had more responsibilities than any one person should ever have, always been running on fumes to take care of everything. Balancing jobs, school, caring for the house, and raising nine kids, Hitori was NEVER forced to just sit in silence and face himself head on. There was always something else that needed his attention, something else he could focus in on. But at the end there, after he killed Kazuaki, the only thing left was to wait. There was nothing else he could focus on, because ever person he'd ever cared for was gone. What else is there to do to pass the time but to sleep? Sleep like he had never had the time to do over years of having far too much on his plate. It beat thinking. It's better than having to look himself straight in the eye and process ANY of this. So he sleeps. He sleeps and sleeps and sleeps. Years of sleep debt, and years of waiting and trying to hide from how loud the silence around him was.

That's major psychological distress, and a side of serious sleep pattern disturbance. Sounds like a road to activating a genetic predisposition to narcolepsy to me!

I'm not sure if the trigger was the stress of taking a life, or if it was that Kazuaki's sedentary life and the nature of Hitori's vengeance plan that gave him too much free time and forced him to finally process all of other shit that had happened. Probably a combination of the two.

[rantsintechnicolor]

The appointment

“You’re getting an IUD today?” W asks me over the first breakfast I have made since I tested positive for covid. It’s pumpkin waffles. Leavened with yeast and proofed overnight. These waffles are a delicacy in our house. Especially so with the delicious backyard blackberries I prick my fingers over and over for, because that pain is so worth the pleasure of eating them. 

She’s not eating them. 

“Yes,” I replied. She just saw it come up on the calendar, but I told her this a month ago. 

“Did your doctor recommend you get one? For your period?”

“She did recommend that one in particular after what I told her. But no, I wanted one.”

“Why?”

“Well, we have an open relationship.” She does have a terrible memory, but surely she hasn’t forgotten this after the difficult conversations we’ve had about it. I guess the question is how she remembers the conversations. “And I’m approaching menopause. This might help with those irregular periods I’ve been having. And my cramps have always been horrible. Lately, I feel like they have been worse.”

She thinks my answer about the open relationship is glib. Yes, it is. I don’t want her to linger over the scary thought that I might find someone better than her, and leave her for them. While I’ve assured her this isn’t the goal, I can’t assure her this wouldn’t happen.

She eats her waffles slowly as she reads extensively about the evils of IntraUterine Devices, starting with the articles written by lawyers trying to collect damages for their clients. “Five percent of people experience hair loss.” She knows I am a little sensitive about this given my genetics. “Intracranial hypertension. Makes you seem like you have a tumor in your brain. Stroke. It can get lost in your uterus. That sounds fun.” Eventually, she does finish her breakfast, but long after I have finished mine.

Finally, I ask her if she wants me to cancel my appointment. 

“No. It’s your choice. You know me. I don’t trust doctors. You have to be your own health advocate.”

She continues to groan and cringe over what she is reading. And my anxiety about getting the procedure is mounting.

“IUDs have a bad rap. I’m surprised they would suggest it because there is one case that is so horribly memorable that people don’t even suggest them. Plus they keep getting yanked from the market. They keep getting canceled.”

It’s true, womens health is not where it could be and with Roe overturned, it isn’t going to get better any time soon. So of course there is shit on the market and things are getting constantly pulled.

I sigh with some frustration. Right before covid we were listening to a program about how state of mind can influence health outcomes, and she told me she was especially interested in using the information to help me fight covid. It seems like she has already forgotten about the program, but I haven’t and a lot of times that’s the rub; I’ll remember something and be frustrated when she doesn’t. I know she isn’t trying to sabotage me. I know she is just worried about my health. But the time for all of this was last month, not the day of my appointment. Not an hour before my appointment. And I told her so.

By the time I got to the appointment, I had almost cried several times but my anger and annoyance seemed to be the override. There are things I wanted to ask and mention to the staff, but I feel my throat tighten and the tears prick behind my eyes. I’ve cried on the phone at them once already, and I don’t want them to have to deal with that again, nor do I want to be that woman that always cries. So instead I take a deep breath. Then I say something else and I move on. Several times I thought of walking out of the office, or calling a halt to it. I almost hoped my cervix would be so tight that the doctor would be unable to complete the procedure. And it was painful. But then it was over.

I got home and I was still mad. I started telling her about the things that made me angry on the visit. They didn’t give me a list of instructions for before the procedure, which included a urine sample to make sure I wasn’t pregnant. I did know I was supposed to take IBuprofen before the insertion, but I forgot. The technician gave me the last three pills in the office.

“Was it painful?” W asked. 

“Yes, more than I thought it would be.”

“Do you want a hug?”

“I always want a hug.” I cried loudly, sobbed uncontrollably, tears all over her soft home-hacked tank top and shoulder. She held me. And I don’t think she’s ever held me like that. I don’t think she’s ever laid her head on me like that. She let me cry it out. 

Later she told me, “I feel like I’m toxic.” 

“It came from a place of concern.” While the way she expressed her concern for my health did affect me negatively, at least she knows it now. Maybe if she hadn't taken such great care of me during my covid infection, I would have reason to doubt her. But no. There is love there, however clumsily it is shown. 

“Turns out your IUD is just as dangerous as birth control pills, which didn’t kill you when you were taking them, so…” I took a deep breath and sighed.

---

That program about mindset for those of you who are interested

#birth control #side effects #health outcomes #creative writing #writing #love #relationships #open relationships #IUD #mindset

[waugh-bao]

Do you know how word of Charlie’s drug problem got out in the first place? I figure he must have been the one to bring it up in an interview, but that doesn’t sound like him since he was so private. But if not that how would anyone know to ask him about it? If he volunteered the information the interviewer must’ve been quite surprised.

Charlie actually is the one who made it public.

A small number of people, basically just his family and the Stones/their little universe, knew about it, but because he was relatively withdrawn from the public eye at that point apart from the jazz band, almost no-one else was aware of his issues with alcohol and drugs.

Mike Edison mentions it in Sympathy for the Drummer, mostly as one among the many things to admire Charlie for, and Paul Sexton went into more detail in his biography. He interviewed Charlie for the first time in the late ‘80s/early ‘90s, and said that he was entirely honest with him from the off that he hadn’t always been what people imagined him to be.

“I'm not that sensible. But I never used to indulge in anything to excess until about [the age of] 45, so the male menopause, you might say, and I tried everything then. And I very nearly killed myself. I don't mean over dosing or anything like that, I mean I nearly killed myself spiritually, I nearly ruined my life.”

Although he was quite open about his period of substance abuse for the rest of his life, the one thing he never explained was why he chose not to keep it private.

Entirely speculation on my part, but I would suspect that the reason he decided people should/could know was, in a way, an act of penance. He was aware that the image of him which floated around in the world was of someone who did everything right and kept on the straight and narrow, and didn’t think people should be misled into believing that as entirely true. Like Keith has said multiple times, he was “brutally honest.” The most striking connecting line, when he talks about those years across decades of interviews, is that he always brings up how it negatively impacted the people he loved.

“Some people are able to function like that, but for me it was very dangerous, because I’m the sort of person that could become a casualty quite easily. I just don’t have the constitution. This phase lasted a couple of years, but it took a long time for me, and my family, to get over it.

“I stopped the drugs, but I drank rather heavily, and I ballooned a bit. And god, I couldn’t get some of my trousers done up. That was it. I completely stopped everything. I lived on, as Keith always reminds me, nuts, peanuts and sultanas. That’s all I ate for months. I went from Dracula to a slightly bloated Dracula, to this emaciated, little thin thing.”

“(My drug and alcohol problems were) my way of dealing with (family problems)... Looking back on it, I think it was a mid-life crisis. All I know is that I became totally another person around 1983 and came out of it about 1986. I nearly lost my wife and everything over my behaviour. I was not particularly fun to live with. I would have died... I just stopped everything. I barely ate for 2 months, because I'd started to get fat from the drinking.”

He knew he’d hurt and frightened his family and friends by falling into that behavior, and, beyond getting clean and trying to be as much of a gentleman as humanly possible, he seems to have viewed letting the world at large see his flaws as the only other way he could make it up to them, or punish himself for what he’d done.

#the rolling stones #charlie watts #keith richards #old married band #middle aged married band #shirley watts #paul sexton #quotes #ask response #anonymous

[dxmedstudent]

(re: dating query) Thanks for writing out such a thoughtful reply! For context, I'm 27 and female. I've used Hinge but find lots of men my age on there still seem a little immature, and like they're mostly looking for short term casual flings. I haven't tried match.com but sounds like it would be worth looking into. I also wonder if I should think about dating slightly older men, but not sure if it would introduce a power dynamic. What scares me is that I'd like to have kids one day, but a woman 35+ is considered a "high risk pregnancy". and I haven't even met anyone I'd want to have children with yet. I'll be honest it really sends panic through me that I have effectively "8 years" left to both find a partner and have kids. I know about egg freezing etc but realistically it's prohibitively expensive. I guess we can only try our best and see what cards the universe deals us.

I was in my very early 30s (i think?) when I started dating more seriously again, this time online. So I think you might have more luck. I know what you mean, sometimes it can feel like everyone wants something casual, which is frustrating when that's not what you want. It can also take time - online dating is amazing because it gives you a chance to peruse a large number of people, but realistically most of those people won't necessarily want the same thing, won't have stuff in common with you, or may be incompatible (don't want kids, smoke, etc). It can take time to find the people who are more on your wavelength, but they are out there. I know that an entire bunch of my friends in our late 20s and early 30s all started online dating around the same time and all found longterm partners! It can take a while but it's definitely possible - these days around 1/3 of couples meet online - and that figure is from several years ago, so the real figure may now be even higher. TBH everyone I know who didn't meet at university basically met their partner online dating. I'd be careful with older men - yes, there might be a bit of a weird dynamic if they are a lot older (like, maybe more than 5 years older?) but also there's no guarantee that guys in their 30s or even 40s don't want to mess around. I've known people who always dated up in age and still somehow managed to find the playboys! Meanwhile I know plenty of people who found people ready to settle down in their 20s. Ultimately I think it has more to do with looking for the right people than age alone - there are people who want to stay casual at almost any age! And some people who are single for very good reasons! If it makes you feel better, I'll be 35, maybe 36 by the time I/we realistically plan to start having kids. I have a host of potentially fertility-affecting gynae issues which might make things harder, or might not (I joke that I have Schrodinger's ovaries - don't know if they'll work until we try!), and the way I try to deal with that is by focusing on the fact that it has to be the right time in my life to have kids. Over the years I made peace with the fact that I wouldn't compromise on what I wanted or needed in life before I could commit to having kids (stability, financial security, a strong relationship with someone who also felt ready to have kids), even if that meant having kids much later, or possibly missing out. Having kids should ideally never be a rushed decision. My gynaecologist recommended egg freezing if I/we left it more than a certain number of years, but realistically that's both very expensive and very unreliable - personally, I'd rather prioritise having kids sooner than rely on egg freezing because it's really not a guarantee. I've also got a history of early menopause in my family, so my timeline is probably more urgent than most people's anyway. Despite that, it was absolutely important for me that my life is stable, and myself and a partner are in the right place to have kids before it happens- I want to be able to offer any kids I have the best life that we can, and to plan around it as responsibly as possible. If you ever want to chat about that side of things, my asks and messages are open! I have friends who've had kids happily after ge 35 - and without any effort trying! 35 is when fertility starts to drop more steeply and the risks of certain things start to increase, but it's not like fertility suddenly stops aged 35. I personally wouldn't leave it til age 40, as the risk of miscarriage is much higher, and chances of getting pregnant are much lower in one's 40s - it's not impossible, and people should still use contraception if they are having PIV sex, but the odds aren't as high as most people would like them to be.

#dx dates

[mindyourownbiscuitss]

So, on August 26th I’m getting a bilateral salpingectomy. I’ve been wanting to get my tubes tied or taken out for years. But I’ve always been hesitant to ask because it’s normally hard for women to get approved when they have no kids or they’re under a certain age. I’m 29. I’ve always felt it was a weird thing to be able to be old enough to decide to have kids but not old enough to decide not to have them. With Roe being overturned and living in a red state, I finally decided to say “fuck it”. The childfree subreddit, for all its faults, was extremely helpful with their doctors list. My initial consult with a new OBGYN was all it took. I’m still stunned that I didn’t get any pushbacks or bingos. I only had to go over less permanent options first. My doctor said that I probably knew all of that and wasn’t there to judge, but had to say it.

Then something else incredible happened. I come from a long line of women with painful, and heavy periods. My grandmother had a hysterectomy in her early 30s for fibroids. My aunt in her 40s. My mom in her 50s. My mom fought for a long time to be listened to until she finally went to a new doctor and he took her seriously. It sucks that it also took her having period problems during menopause to push it further but at least she was finally listened to.

I have painful periods. They’re heavy the first three or so days. And I have horrible stomach symptoms. I was diagnosed with IBS years ago. It came out of the blue one day in 2016. I became intolerant to a lot of foods. Gluten being the main one. My periods started getting bad again around that time too. I had a previous surgery (hymenectomy because of a rigid, microperforate hymen) to help alleviate them in 2012. And it worked. For a while anyway. I’ve felt crazy because there’s nothing I can really do other than take Aleve before it gets completely out of control. And even then that doesn’t always help. Especially the pelvic pain that radiates down my thighs and my knees. I get nauseous from it. I was explaining this to my doctor during my appointment. She said that it sounds like endometriosis. Another moment I was stunned. I’ve read about it before. But not once has a doctor brought it up to me when I’ve been in for my periods. It’s always birth control being shoved in my face and a comment that period pain is normal. I’ve also kinda thought that my pain wasn’t bad enough because I can still force myself to function somewhat. I’ve read recently that everyones’ pain and symptoms vary. I may still function but when the pain is bad enough I can’t concentrate on the task at hand. I may be present and not in bed, but I’m not really functioning like I should be.

Anyway, I had a ultrasound and everything was normal. I’m pretty sure they were looking for ovarian cysts and fibroids (considering my family history) but nothing was found. Endometriosis can’t usually be seen on ultrasounds. Sometimes really advanced stages can be but even then that’s rare. I guess I’m scared to not have it. And scared to have it. I don’t want to feel crazy anymore. But endometriosis can’t be cured. At least not right now. My head is going to be a jungle of anxiety and worry until my surgery. I just want to know at this point. She seemed pretty confident when she said it but I guess it’s just one of those things where I don’t trust myself or my symptoms to totally believe it.

Then there’s trying to avoid getting sick before. Mainly trying to avoid Covid. I really have to stop Googling Covid and surgery and blood clots because it’s driving me crazy. Crazier. Lmao.

#endometriosis #childfree #long mindless wordy post #save me from my own brain pls

[skiplo-wave]

I have this crisis going on in my life Skip that I can only compare it to almost like a mid-life crisis lol. I have always been independent. I was always okay if I never found someone and I lived alone by myself with five cats. But ever since I started to near my 30s.... It's changing. I keep getting these panicky episodes where I'm like "Omg the clock is ticking. I need to find myself a husband so I can make some babies." I know it may sound stupid. Everyone tells me that these days 30, 40 and 50 is still technically young. People have kids later on in life these days. It's like I know that but when I get into these panic episodes I can't see it. And here's where I get conflicted, right... My family has a history of finding bad men. I think partially the reason why I never been on a date and I always decline potential guys is because of trust issues. I have this overwhelming fear of what if I marry a guy that I thought was good and kind BUT than later on he turns into a complete ass hole, abusive or cheats on me or is a axe murderer or some crazy shit. I am totally going to screw up my future kids lives. I feel like a mess. Is this fucking normal how I feel? Am I just have satanic inducing panic attacks? Sometimes I wonder like how your body tells you things, maybe it's going through a panic because I am going through early menopause? My emotions are all out of whack. I really don't know. I am sorry to lay this on you. I am just embarrassed to talk to anyone in my life about it. I never had these kind of problems or situations that made me feel so panicky. I have multiple panic attacks every day.

Well anon you don’t have to have kids if you don’t want to

Plus you can get a sperm donar if you don’t want man involved period. It’s your life, don’t let what others say pressure you how run your life

#asks

[ladyscroogeblr]

Sleeping...... It isn't going to well!

I know sleeping is the backbone to a healthy life. I struggle to get better sleep! Recently got a new mattress and bed frame. I've tried over the counter sleep aid

aids, like Zquill. Doesn't help. Usually getting to sleep isn't problem. Staying a sleep is and always has been. I'm a light sleeper I'd say. I usually wake up a few times a night. When I'm really stressed I have a hard time getting back to sleep. I try to get 6 or more hours sleep a night. They recommend 7 to 8. It doesn't help I have sleep apnea and wear a mask while I sleep. If the mask or straps, to hold the mask in p!ace, slip or whatever whole I sleep, I'll wake and have to adjust the mask or straps.That is annoying! On top of all this, I'm still going through menopause! Most nights I have night sweats! I'll wake up sweaty and hot! I get so frustrated! Hopefully at my next doctor appointment I can get hormonal replacement! With help with sleeping I found some Centr Fit videos on YouTube. Centr Fit is Chris Hemsworth's fitness, health and wellness app. I have to go to sleep to a video if sleep meditation narrated by Chris Hemsworth! He has such a calming and smooth sounding voice! It does help me Falk a slew but not stay a sleep! I dud another sleep video on how to get back to sleep. Haven't v tried it yet. This is my next big thing to work! On the Centr Fit app is also medition videoes to help release stress, etc. They help and most are narrated by Chris Hemsworth! I just want to live a fuller healthier life! Hopefully I can!

#sleep #sleep meditation #Centr fit #chris hemsworth