"MC, Who's Best in Bed??":
*on an average HoL morning, the MC is trying to enjoy a cup of tea in the dining room but there's been nothing but shouting in the House for about an hour now... They’re nearly at their wits end when the seven culprits come marching in the room themselves, glaring at esch other. Before MC can even speak, Asmo takes initiative and slams his hands down onto the table, making their teacup clatter*
Asmo: MC, you have to be the one settle this! Which one of us is best in bed???
*the MC... almost does a spit take*
MC: Excuse me???
Mammon: You heard'em! You outta know by now, so who is it??
*the MC looks at their demons like they've gone mental, but seven pairs of eyes stare back at them expectantly, hell, even determinedly. Seeing that they likely can't weasel out of this, the MC gives in with a sigh*
MC: .... Do you really want to know?
Asmo: Of course!!
Satan: We promise we'll be alright with whoever you choose...
Mammon: But it's gonna be me, right??
Satan: Shut up, Mammon!! 😡
MC: Well... if I have to pick...
MC: It's gotta be Lucifer.
Lucifer: *smiles REAL wide for a guy who's been pretending that this conversation is juvenile and beneath him...*
Lucifer: Well. I think that settles that.
*he walks over and arrogantly kisses the back of MC's hand while his brothers all groan somewhere between irritation and disappointment...*
Mammon: Look what ya did, MC, he's never gonna get over himself now!!
Lucifer: Mammoooon?
Mammon: 😨 Shit!
MC: It is Mammon, actually.
Mammon: Eeh-?? Er, s-SEE I TOLD YA!!
*he tries to act proud, and he is, but it's pretty obvious to everyone that he got caught off guard and is flustered as hell*
Mammon: W-who else could it be but the Great Mammon? Right??? This is why I'm their first!!
*Mammon continues to loudly bluster and gloat as MC gets up from the table, taking their teacup with them*
MC: It sure is~
*they peck him on the cheek, which bluescreens his brain while his brothers scoff in disgust*
Belphie: Geez, at least get a room first guys... 🙄
MC: You won’t believe me, but it's Levi.
*the brother stop, collectively look at each other, and then shake their heads*
All (INCLUDING Levi): We don't believe you.
MC: *shrugs nonchalantly and takes another sip of tea* What'd I tell ya?
Asmo: MC, you can't be serious...
MC: *looks him dead in the eye* Two. Dicks. Need I say more? Because I can! He can also-mph!!
*a confused MC gets a hand clamped over their mouth by a mortified Levi, who's still puttering around to figure out how he should feel*
Levi: M-MC! Please...!! 😣
Satan: So there ARE some things that better left unknown... Fantastic... 😰🤢
MC: It’s actually you, Satan!
Satan: *blinks* Eh? Oh really...?
*already turning his head towards Lucifer with a BIG shit-eating grin*
Satan: What do you know? Looks like we've heard it, haven't we?
Lucifer: *angerily covering up his frustration behind a stone cold poker face* So we have... Not that it matters.
Satan: Hm. Your face says otherwise. 😏
Lucifer: Don't push your luck....
MC: Asmo. It's Asmo, it's obviously Asmo!!
Asmo: THANK YOU!!
Asmo: Honestly, it's like no one understands my job description here!!
Asmo: I can, will, and do fuck better than all of you! You just have to accept that. 😌
Mammon: Ugh! Give it a rest already... 😮💨
MC: You know what? It's Beel.
*the brothers stop and collectively look at their absolute UNIT of a sibling.... then breathe a combined sigh of defeat*
Beel: *flustered pink from embarrassment, but still very happy to hear it* Thank you, MC. 😊
MC: You're welcome, Beel! 🙂
MC: Weirdly enough, it's Belphie...
Belphie: What do you mean, "weirdly?"
MC: I mean, if we were just going based off resumes here, I wouldn't exactly put yours on top.
MC: But you're living proof "work smarter, not harder" are words to live by. Your technique is flawless!
Belphie: .... I'm not sure how to feel about this anymore....
Bonus:
MC: *gives a blank, thousand yard stare into the middle distance*
Mammon: Uhhhm.... MC? Still there?
MC: I just realized something... I'm really am going to Hell...
Levi: Huh? But you're already here...?
MC: *gets up from the chair and starts to jog away urgently* I think I need a priest...
Belphie: What? Why?? Is being here a problem to you??? 🤬
MC: *calls out as they skid past the doorway* It is because I'm fucking an angel!!! 😫
5K notes
·
View notes
there are a lot of posts out there that are positive and healthy coping mechanisms for handling the holidays. this is not one of them :)
i think there's like. going to be times in your life you will be stuck in a social situation that you cannot escape from gracefully. i do not know why the internet doesn't believe these times exist. it's not always just that your physical safety is at risk - sometimes it's legit like "i just don't currently have the energy or time to put in the effort of responding to this." sometimes it's a coworker you hate so much. sometimes it's just like, fine, you know? like you know you can handle your aunt when she's cheerily horrible, but if you actually set a boundary around her, it's going to be weeks of fallout with your father.
i don't know why people think the answer is always just "cut them out!" or "don't let them get away with that!" because ... the real world is tricky and complicated. i think kind of a lot of us have an internal "radiation poisoning" meter for certain people. like - i'm talking about the ones who are absolutely giving you gradual ick damage. like, you can handle them, but you'll be exhausted.
and yes. you absolutely should listen to your therapist and the good posts about handling others and set good boundaries and take care of yourself. prioritize peace.
HOWEVER :) ...... since im often in a situation with a Gradual Sense of Ick person i cannot just "cut out" of my life (without losing someone else precious to me) - i have sort of developed the most. maladaptive form of mischief possible. because like, if i'm going to have to listen to this shit again, i like to have a little bit of private fun with it.
now! again, i am physically safe, just mentally drained by this man. you should only do this with people you are not in danger with. which leads me to my suggestions for when your Unfortunate Acquaintance shows up and says oh everyone pay attention to me.
my favorite word is "maybe!" said as brightly and happily as possible. whenever the Horrible Person starts in on a topic you do not want to go further with, particularly if they make a claim that you know to be inaccurate, do not respond to it. you and i have both tried to actually argue with this person, and it hasn't gone well, because this person just wants the drama of an argument. however, "maybe!" gives them literally nothing to go on. it is incredibly disarming. they are used to people having some response. they know they can't prove what they're saying, and maybe! treats them like the child they are. it dismisses them in the politest way possible.
i like to say maybe! and then, in their stunned silence, immediately change the subject. this is because i have adhd and i will have something unrelated to talk about, but if you can't think of topics fast enough, i recommend just pointing to something and saying, "isn't that lovely?" because fuck you let's bring in some positivity.
by the way. that second trick - of pointing to something and stating an opinion about it? - that just works on its own, like, 70% of the time. i picked it up from teaching preschoolers. it's an intentional "redirect". it stops children crying and it also stops grown adults from finishing their explanation on why women belong in kitchens. dual wielding!
keep it silly for yourself. i absolutely do not care if people think i'm fucking stupid (it's more fun if they do) and as a result i will purposefully misunderstand things just to see how long it takes them to realize i've completely removed them from the subject at hand. when they say "women aren't funny" i get to be like. "which women." "all women." "all women in america?" "no in the world." "like the mole people? the people in the world?" "what? no. like, alive." "oh are we not counting the mole people?" "what the fuck are you talking about." "you don't believe in the mole people?"
similarly, i play a personal game called "one up me." my Evil Acquaintance literally knows this game exists (my family & friends caught onto it and now also play it) and it always fucking gets him. i don't know why. you have to be willing to be a little free-spirited on this one, though. the trick is that when they make one of those horrible little bigoted or annoying comments they are always making, you need to go one unit weirder. not more intense, mind you - just more weird. "you don't look good in that dress." "yeah, actually, my other dress was covered in squid ink due to a mishap at the soup store." "you shouldn't wear such revealing clothes." "wait, what? oh shit. sorry, your son tears off strips when no one is looking and eats them. i swear it was longer before we left the building."
the point of "one up me" is to completely upend this person's narrative. we both know this person likes setting up situations where you cannot "win" and then they really like telling other people how badly you handled it. in a usual situation, if you respond "please don't say something that rude", you're a bitch. but if you let it happen, you're letting yourself be debased. they are not usually expecting door number three: unflappably odd. because what are they going to say when they're telling everyone how badly you behaved? "she said my son eats her dresses" ".... okay?"
if you can, form an allyship with someone whomst you can tagteam with. where they can pick up on your weird "soup store" story and run with it.
the following phrase is amazing and can be deployed for any situation: "oh, be nice :) it's the holidays!" i do not know why this works as often as it does. i'll say it for the most random shit. i think this is bc most of the time these people know they're being impolite, they just like to fight.
godbless. when in doubt, remember that you could always start stealing their pens.
the whole point of this is - if you can't escape. maybe see how long you can just be. like. a horrible little menace.
32K notes
·
View notes
Dp x Dc AU: Danny and Tim are twins- And Vlad is the first to figure this out in his attempts to get DavlCo a new investor.
---
Tim was getting the creeps from this guy. It was as if the room got colder, the seconds got longer and the room's shadows moved to their own volition. He stared Tim down less like 'You punk kid' and more like 'You'll be mine' in a way that Tim didn't appreciate. At all.
The guy kept setting meetings up despite Tim's direct insistance that Wayne Enterprises would never touch DalvCo- not with a ten foot pole or for all the money in the world. Some how Tim's board of directors kept getting swindled by the guy and... therefore more meetings. More looks from this guy that made him want to crawl out of his skin.
Vlad asked him if he ever went by Timothy- Tim couldn't reply "that's not my name" fast enough. It apparently inspired the guy somehow. More meetings that Tim can't reject because of board members pop up.
It's been long determined that Jason doesn't get involved with Wayne Enterprises, but after the Uncle and a few other paid-actor solutions go up in flames- Tim decides to call up his older brother to act as a bodyguard and tell this guy to fuck off for the final time.
Jason apparently also gets the Heebee-jeebies from this asshole but his message is loud and clear to Vlad. There's a flash of green and then all of sudden it's just Tim and Jason in the room... Only Jason isn't acting like himself.
Putting it together- Tim reaches for his contingency F stash of Knock out gas and doses Jason. Vlad doesn't re-appear so Tim assumes that to mean that he'll be trapped in Jason's person until Jason wakes up.
Walking out of the meeting room with his bus of a brother over his shoulders- Tim quickly asks Tam to reach out to Vlad's Emergency contact. Surely there is someone in this man's company willing to explain what the fuck Vlad was trying to pull. Tim theoretically can keep Jason drugged asleep for a long time- surely that threat can get him somewhere.
The day drags on as Tim continues to keep Jason unconscious and eventually Tam lets him know that someone is here for Vlad. She says it with the addition of one of their codes- He mentally prepares himself for the worst and then... His doppleganger walks through the door? What the fuck?
Tim and Danny puzzle about one another for a little too long and Jason wakes up- Vlad pops out immediately. A shouting match between Danny and Vlad commences and...
"Man I knew our family had unresolved issues but seriously what the fuck has your clone dealing with?" Jason asks, as though he could watch this all day with pop corn.
"You made more clones?!" Danny screamed at Vlad who's only response is "Not this one! This one is actually polite!"
"Fuck you!" Tim and Danny reply in tandem.
2K notes
·
View notes