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mythtakens · 1 year

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"We tried." "Not hard enough."

9-1-1 (2018-)

#you might be asking yourself hey what the fuck #i am also asking myself this very question #something something healing generational trauma something something breaking the cycle #i don't know okay i just want to scream #tv: 911 #hen wilson #eddie diaz #maddie buckley #howard chimney han #evan buck buckley #edits #henwilsonedit #eddiediazedit #maddiebuckleyedit #evanbuckleyedit #chimneyhanedit #911edit #daily118 #pretend this coloring makes any sense

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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 4 months

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Welcome to the Dungeons of Fear and Hunger.

#Fear and Hunger #D'arce Cataliss #Cahara #Ragnvaldr #Enki Ankarian #Unlike Dungeon Meshi - I cannot in good faith recommend this game to a broad audience.#My background with F&H goes as follows: I am hanging out with a friend. He says “hey try this game I've been playing.” I say “Okay!”#I have never heard of this game. I pick the mercenary. I go through 5 min of character history and background. I am mauled to death by dogs #It took me 4 resets to even get in the dungeon. But I finally get there. I am caught by a guard. He cuts off all but one of my limbs #I am forced to crawl around in a blood and corpse pit until the game tells me 'give up idiot'.#I reset. I am mauled by dogs again. I realize this is not for me but I am intrigued enough to go home and watch some playthroughs #And WOW what an interesting game it is! I really do appreciate games that blend their design philosophy with the theme it wants to set #This is a game about fear and hunger. And persevering. And penis (my god is there a lot of penis)#I recommend this to people who like extremely challenging games and can handle the many *content warnings* within this series #If the idea of Bloodborne/eldenring and undertale having a little RPG maker baby sounds appealing to you - give it a shot #It's made by ONE GUY and it's a great horror game. I am just really bad at it.#My friends just enjoy putting me in situations where I scream and yell. We don't talk about the corn mazes. Or the other horror game nights #Apparently I'm funny when I'm Scared!#As people who follow me on twitter might know; I am deep in the pits of this series right now. I will be back with more art.

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tittyinfinity · 6 months

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I just remembered that up until 5th grade, all of the sports teams I was in weren't separated by gender. I played basketball and baseball with boys. And we did just fine.

It wasn't until 6th grade when they segregated it by gender. It didn't make sense to me. I was now in softball because of baseball, because "softball is for girls" and "baseball is for boys" (which confused me bc my dad was on an adult softball team).

Now, my brother's all-male team didn't win a single game. My all-girls team won every single one.

They presented the boys' team with this HUGE trophy, and if you wanted replicas of it, they were $30 each.

My team was presented with a very small trophy. Extras were $5.

That's when I decided gender-segregated sports were bullshit.

#my mom went off on my brother's coach for that #said that it wasn't fair that my brother's team got to celebrate more than us despite actually winning #(it was through the same sports program)#she said she wasn't gonna pay $30 for a trophy whenever he was a horrible coach #bc the boys he had when they were on my team with my coach did just fine #their coach was this horrible egotistical guy who would scream at tbem for not doing good enough #when he didnt even KNOW HOW TO PLAY and was just there bc his kid was praying #my coach was this cool ass dad that was very calm and gentle with us #the coach was like ''oh so you don't think your son deserves to celebrate?''#my mom was like ''he should but he needs to learn that he can't be rewarded for losing while #my daughter is barely rewarded for winning and i don't want to teach him that gender inequality is okay''#(my mom is cool af sometimes)#we both quit playing after that

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darkwood-sleddog · 2 months

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more and more i become of the opinion my dogs are not reactive to strange dogs but in fact it is unreasonable to expect them to NOT be reactive when the dogs we pass are unwalked, understimulated rural hellions that thrash at the windows of their houses, bark at us and follow us for entire lengths of properties, snarl at us, run at us with tense body language etc.

is this because a neighbor (who does skijor!) moved in half mile down the road from us a half a year ago with the most polite, unreactive dog that my dogs glance calmly at as they walk by? as it is unrestrained (no underground fence) on the property? absolutely is.

is this because a few years ago a neighbor's very nice pitbull mix got out and when it walked up to us with polite calm body language my dogs reacted just as calm and we were able to walk this dog home? absolutely is.

like i am a human woman and have lived in areas with much larger populations than i do now. i remember being followed by strangers, yelled at by strangers in aggressive ways. it made me tense and yes...reactive in those moments to ensure my own safety and needs were met. but was it my fault for having to react that way? To call friends and family and be on the phone any time that i walked alone? to check in when i got to where i was going? to bring pepper spray and iron knuckles to walk less than 10 minutes away from home? I don't think it is. Rather it's the failure that allows that behavior towards me which is at fault. i should not have had to carry those things with me. or call a single soul.

same with my dogs. my dogs aren't reactive, i'm just the only person who walks my damn dogs in my rural neighborhood. even though we can walk for 4+ miles either way on safe dirt roads out of our driveway before we reach pavement. nobody else. walks. their. fucking. dogs. yes i manage my dogs behaviors, it can be embarrassing when they get riled up, but know what? it is not their fault so many other dogs fucking SUCK. and it is not those dogs' fault that they suck either. i encountered more politely behaved dogs when i lived in the suburbs and city than i do now because those dogs at least had some sort of experience with being around other dogs (passing them on the sidewalk even) out of necessity. Rural people truly just throw their dogs outside and expect that to be enough. if you're lucky they install a little underground fence that will maybe keep fido in the yard (like uwu WE don't want to have a look at a fence and we're going to make all our neighbors GUESS if our dog might run into the road at them uwu).

#dogblr #dog behavior #is it unreasonable to ask completely neutral behaviors from my dogs #when they're being fucking harrassed? when they just want to do their sniffy thing and pee on a bunch of stuff??#can't even like loiter in some places bc people's dogs loose their fucking shit even if they stay on the property or are inside #like...real containment and stimulation when and now please?#nothing happened but neighbor with a dog that barks and screams at us from inside non stop #put in an electric fence and assured me this under 1 yo dog will never leave the boundary #like...okay...#sure.#let's see how that goes #like my dogs have wonderful temperaments #sorry if they're going to tell your dog off for being a piece of SHIT brenda #my dogs obviously know our yard is their territory #but they don't make a single peep for people walking on the road which is NOT theirs #i can be out of sight of entire dogs with properties out of the sight of the road #and their dogs will still be fucking yelling at mine! like shut the . fuck. up!!

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bruhstation · 7 months

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of fucking course the best, most harrowing, most gut-wrenching tugs character only appeared in one episode (a bit of ramble in the tags)

#this is tugs #tugs boomer #tugs sunshine #boomshine #<---- evil sinister laughter #fortezza bigg city #senjart #I think he's neat. I also think a bottle of antidepressants could help with whatever hes going through #okay I'm gonna talk for a bit about boomer (mostly about his canon counterpart rather than solely his fbc version)#boomer's character struck a deep chord within me that when rewatching jinxed while sleep deprived I got so scared #his depression? thoughts of sinking himself? claiming that he didn't want any help yet attempted to push just a bit longer when supported?#putting his worth on how useful he is as a machine first? an individual with selfism second? thus deeming himself as a lost cause?#and despite his jaded sardonic demeanor he genuinely cares about others and puts their safety before his own?#like mannnnnn come ON no wonder I couldnt stop thinking about him #his struggles as a clinically depressed person is.... so real?#he says ''I don't want any help'' but he clearly does want AND need help. he goes along with TC and sunshine's hijinks of helping him #gradually went from ''whats the point I'm gonna jinx it anyways'' to ''Ive tried so hard I really have but I cannot. I never had a chance''#he even went ''okay but don't toot'' to TC before his final job! he's entertaining TC and sunshine's theory! he really does want help!#boomer's whole character screams “I want to live but I don't know how”#and man oh man I feel like s01e10 reached out of the screen and drove a stake through my heart #because it's so visceral. it's rang true with my personal experiences #it's so sad. it's probably because I'm sleep deprived but I want to take care of that poor orange thing so badly #boomer most likely thought his final job to tow the schooner will end badly as usual but with how he sounds way more upset when he failed-#-and how he even went ''I can't be bothered to argue anymore''. I have a feeling there's a tiny speck of hope inside him-#-that quickly died out the moment lightning struck and he got towed by the fire chief #and of course he's upset. hes tried so many times to find a way to get rid of the jinx but now? it's as if he's given false hope-#-and the thought of the jinx leaving is something akin to a fairytale. as long as he bears the name ''boomer'' and not ''captain harry''-#-he is doomed to this constant cycle of messing things up when its not his own fault and having other point their fingers at him #that is until he got refurbished into a houseboat (essay material for another day)#theyre never going to write another anthro vehicle character like this anymore . sad

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insertsomthinawesome · 4 months

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I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!! Okay so honestly I have been very very inconsistent over the years with just disappearing for periods of time due to various things 😂 So it probably seemed pretty normal to most people.

But it felt different on my side, so I'm excited to be back in business. I took a month long hiatus! 31 days of not drawing digital art. Its not something I talk about on here? But I've been suffering from some serious long term Art Burnout for.... a really really long time. Long enough that I should've taken a break probably years ago. It finally got so bad that I could barely draw. I was scared to do it (cause it always looked "bad" in my eyes [i'll come back to that]) and doing it was exhausting and disheartening.

I talked it over with somebody and realized that the fear and anger and frustration I felt towards my own artwork was uh. Not Normal or Healthy. And I finally committed to taking a real break for once.

I still drew a little bit by hand? Traditional art has always felt like it has lower stakes for me (i don't often share it online, and sometimes I don't even share it with friends) so I did some of that when I felt like it. But Digital art was completely off the table.

I had put such an immense pressure on myself to make my digital art perfect, to make as much of it as quickly as possible to satisfy something. It wasn't fun anymore. I'm proud of what i've made over the years! But for a long time now the stuff I've been making was made while hating every second of making it. With some rare exceptions.

I hated my art! It was a combination of Perfectionism, taking in too many external expectations, and the burnout. If you hate doing something its kinda hard to love it even when you want too lol. It wasn't "Bad" in the sense that the quality was low and it was ugly! It was "Bad" in the sense that it was unhealthy for me to keep doing it at that point in time.

I'm glad to report though, that with my hiatus officially over as of Wednesday last week: I am once again. In Love. With doing art, and being an artist :)

I put off taking a break for years cause I was scared that taking a break would mean that I would never achieve all the things I wanted to do with art. I was scared it was a stupid and lazy thing to do that would mean I'd never achieve my dreams. And Also even though I kinda hated drawing, I also loved making art. Its a weird duality that I can't even really explain??? I hated it but I also loved it. I wanted it but I also wanted to run from it. It wasn't until I was more mature and had more clarity and insight (and unfortunately also until the problems got worse) that I was finally able to let go of those fears and just do it.

And I'm really really glad I did. It was everything I needed. And I hope to strike a better balance in the future with art. Taking more breaks when I need them, or just when other things have my attention like reading or Video games (Some star rail got played during this time xD)

From the outside things probably aren't going to be that different?? At this point I don't really have any sure plans to post anything I've been drawing since my Hiatus ended. I might or I might not xD I'm still a hobbyist artist taking things at her own pace, but I hope that it shows how much happier I am :)

Whumptober 2023 is being officially put to rest by this post btw! I was in major burnout when that event started, and I'm ready to just, move on from all the past expectations I'd shoved on my shoulders. If I feel like filling any of the prompts or going back to any of the ideas I'd come up for it I will! But I'm not going to worry about doing it unless the desire sets in. Thanks to everybody who's been so kind to me throughout my time on here as an artist! Ya'lls tags and screaming and kind words, the fanfic, the asks and the responses? Its been fantastic :) You guys have made me laugh, smile, and cry tears of joy. I hope from here that things only get better and sweeter! And if I have bad days again, that's okay too.

Here's to 2024 and whatever it may bring ya'll :D 🎉🎉✨✨🧡💜

#isa screams #long post #gif #flashing #i think? Lemme know if I'm incorrect on that one alksdjfLKSJDJDSG #I don't normally talk this much so its kinda strange?#its kinda nice to be more honest about this stuff though #I'm a bit more of a private person so its hard to find the balance between wanting to discuss things openly and honestly #but with the fact that I don't owe the entire world an explanation for everything I do #its a tricky thing #but today I felt like doing this and I think that's okay #if i regret it I just won't do it again alsdjLSDJLFJSGSDG #thanks if you read this! I appreciate it!#I'm a pretty smalltime artist relatively. So sometimes it feels as though it doesn't mater what i say or express.#But hm. I doubt its really that simple or bleak #And if I don't respect myself then well. Who will right?#And I want to learn how to be happy with how little or how much I get #part of the reason I've done so poorly mentally as an artist is chasing numbers and outside praise instead of asking the harder questions #am i happy with what i do? what I make? Who I am #I'm going to probably be working on those questions and problems for the rest of my life.#But thats okay. Thats not a bad thing :)

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zaynes-left-chesticle · 3 months

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Okay I just read Zayne's "Still in Dark" anecdote, and now I'm crying and also my jaW IS ON THE GROUND, WHAT IN THE FUC-

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enjoy the tags, I just needed to vent....

And I'm scared 🤣

#hoooooly shit when i tell you i was confused about the timeline before ... ash.exe has officially stopped responding #semi spoiler alert/ me venting.... youve been warned #ARE WE NOT REAL IN HIS DIMENSION? Are we just pulling a freaking spongebob and showing up in his dreams?#im scared somebody hold me. im freaking crying cuz that was so sad but also SERIOUSLY WTFFFF IS GOING ON #love and deepspace #okay im done screaming im sorry #but seriously.... there is so much happening i dont know whats real and what isnt.#i wanted to think Tower of Secrets was just AU but now with the whole growing jasmine parallel and Linkon City being years in the past....?#ffs i need some theories cuz im just sending myself down a rabbit hole trying to decide what's going on #like what? am i just popping up in zaynes dreams to save him from loneliness while he helps me save the universe from getting access to my #and pops up in Raf's life to rescue him after losing everything while he also magically helps me save the universe from the aether's power #and Xai/Lumiere who's what... like 300+ years old somehow knows who i am?#WHO AM I? some dimension-jumping dream-hopping timeline-skipping superhuman with the core strength of 10000 suns and i don't even remember?#i need to read the rest of Xai's lore....#anyways welcome to the end of the tags. i hope you had fun. if you made it this far.... i am so sorry 🤣

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runawaymun · 30 days

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#sorry let me rant real quick in the tags #cw personal #once again hitting an insurance pothole bc the psych says she accepts my OHP plan HOWEVER the therapy group she is contacted with says #THEY don't #they only accept the insurance if it's through my employer but NOT through the government??????????????#so there's still some kind of payment???#anyway I want to scream why is this so complicated #like will she take my insurance or not who's right here #anyway called her back directly and went to voicemail so now I've done all I can for now #why the hell is this so hard man #the person on the phone didn't know really how to explain #once again no one knows what they're talking about #like can y'all not communicate and figure this out?#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #i need to get an ADHD eval before my next PCP appointment in june so that they will continue giving me my meds #and the psychiatry through the hospital has a limited number of visits that insurance will cover #*contracted #not retyping all of that #and once again the only reason this is so stressful is because the psychiatry group at the hospital fumbled the communication ball last tim #and the psychiatrist I was with never put the ADHD on the chart #and now somehow it's MY responsibility to fix that>#UGH #like I am grateful to have some kind of coverage but holy shit is the US healthcare system in shambles #the bureaucracy is INSANE #i had to just sit down and put my head in my hands for a second #and then go 'right okay nothing i can do about that rn moving on'#uGH #literally said 'what the FUCK' out loud a couple times #like not on the phone after I hung up obvs

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miabrown007 · 2 months

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going crazy about kaz brekker hours

#HE'S JUST *screams into a pillow*#Inej wants him to be better she NEEDS him to be better and shed his armour and be emotionall vulnerable and honest to her #and every time he tries it life delivers a right hook into his solar plexus and knocks him to hell and back #and time and time again he is made to come to the incorrect conclusion that being vulnerable and soft and caring about anyone ever #is a mistake and a weakness that he isn't allowed that he doesn't deserve #and his only way of getting what he wants and keeping the people he loves safe is if he becomes something that can't love them #like life just continues to punish him for having any kind of feelings #and he can only love them if he kills the part of himself that loves them. like COME ON MAN #i'm literally unwell about this kid (KID HE'S FUCKING 17 LET HIM LIVE)#someone sedate me (well actually don't i need to start reading CK tonight)#Kaz I Am Ruin And Ruination Brekker #and it's so tragic because he has come such a long way during SoC and when Inej asks him to be hers you know he can't do it. he would like #to but he's unable of it like his walls are still built up so high.#and it's fair of her to ask because she needs that and keeping her always at arms length is not viable of Kaz but also that's all he can #currently give her. that's his all and it's not enough and my heart is breaking for them ohmygod #they make me think so much of felonies love square I'LL EAT GLASS #okay. anyway. finished six of crows. i'm normal about them.#mia's reading

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tardis--dreams · 3 months

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You know what? I give up on this paper once and for all. I'm not even ashamed anymore

#okay I'm a little ashamed #it's another 5 points i have to catch up with next semester #but it's making me want to kill myself and i don't even know if the professor would still accept it #(the original deadline was in October. i got an official extension until November. i guess it'd be just rude #to ask if it was still okay to send it #especially since i haven't done any substantial work on it #it's just bad. i hate the topic. i hate the way the professor views the subject 'language and emotion'#so that i cannot write what i want but would have to tailor it towards her views because otherwise I'd fail #and also i cannot write in german. i simply can not do it. )#it's better to move on and focus on my last paper for last semester (official deadline is end of March #so I'm not behind for once)#and i should do the assignments for a module i should have finished 1 year ago #so i don't have to do that next semester #and i should start studying korean again so i don't make a complete fool of myself next semester #I have my first day of work in 2 weeks so I'll also have to focus on working (for money) from there on #I've been paralyzed by the thought of having to write this paper for way too long #the professor is not my boss anymore (i still have to work off some hours though) and even if she was #I'm so done being ashamed of myself for not being able to do certain things #i wanna give it my best from now on but not for this paper. it's done.#void screams

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dyrewrites · 3 months

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I keep seeing posts about how lonely and sad people are, and it's totally fine to be sad. But not when it hurts so much you're considering nonexistence.

I can't fix that. I can't magically make you feel loved and accepted or heal whatever underlying issues might be leading to the pain you're feeling.

But, as someone who struggles with a mood disorder and often sinks into depressions that feel too thick and endless to ever escape...I am here if you need someone to remind you that you're not alone.

If that little voice in your head is telling you that no one cares about you, you tell it that I care.

Whoever you are, whatever you're struggling with, I care about you and I would be sad if you weren't around anymore.

So, if no one else, hang on for this random coffee cup on the internet.

--

And if that's not enough, there are professionals that you can talk to.

#i don't know what to tag this #i just want you guys to know it's okay to be sad #and it'll get better #and if you need someone to scream at about it #i'm here #and you can't bother me

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crossbackpoke-check · 1 year

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a junkyard dog ain't always pretty but you always love that toothless smile

#i miss tyler bertuzzi #liv in the replies #the absolute way i just got bodied by shake it out coming on as i uploaded the pictures to this post #um. sorry not sorry. the google doc/pdf of the quote that i used for this was literally titled #god fuckin curse the notesapp i wrote two years ago #directly referencing the note i have (pretty sure from when the maple leafs seemed really serious about wanting bert) & i remember #being slammed out of NOWHERE by the sudden thought (because i've been preparing for years for bert to leave) (andreas in feb moe in april)#verbatim: if tyler bertuzzi ever gets traded or retires it's catalog of unabashed gratitude the heart part and i will sob #S T O P #tyler bertuzzi #detroit ride or die #this does actually rival we don't have a future we have a dog for some of these for me which. fuck u past me for being so right about this #things that i need you to know for the narrative: oh dumbstruck is tyler's first nhl game (vs the flyers)#thank you every day is from tyler's hat trick & yes the bruins on knucklehead is intentional because it hurt my feelings #also should note. i'm sorry is from when tyler broke his hand this season & no i'm not okay about the narrative of who is he w/o his hands #yeah yeah yeah. the last five make me want to throw up screaming crying shaking wailing #i made it so much worse by looking at dyl's post #dylan larkin #anthony mantha #andreas athanasiou #catalogue of unabashed gratitude [abridged] - ross gay #my sincerest apologies to fabs i simply could not put him in here he was in we don't have a future we have a dog that was all i could take #should i have abridged the last one to say 'for every day'? yeah probably. did i think of that too late? also probably. wait hang on #ooooookay so i did it so now that tag doesn't make sense but it's fine i also have an alt for dumbstruckand pelican heart :)))))))#what i wish i could've made for u but the pictures don't exist is tyler running down the drive barefoot on the phone the day he got drafted #do you really believe in him? is he a good kid? no problems? you're gonna love him. you're gonna love him.#i'm also fully not even gonna talk to y'all about vrana. i can't do that red string tonight. we're also ignoring sunny #STEVE WHAT FUCKING TEAM ARE WE GONNA HAVE TO PLAY WITH #yes i made this exclusively for me no i don’t care yes i am a lil sorry i love him u’ve heard it all before. dilly i’m kissing ur forehead

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helianskies · 17 days

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ugly maths.

i hate maths, right. i don't usually like numbers, and if i do like numbers it's gotta be an 8 or a 48 and nothing else.

thing is, i've recently caught myself doing maths again. ugly maths. the kind of maths that, really, i've been trying to avoid as much as possible because, well, it's ugly!

you... wanna see?

okay, fine... but don't say i didn't warn you!

ugly, see? look at all those numbers! not a 48 in sight!

huh? what's that? you don't see what i'm on about? oh... oh! hang on, lemme just—

better? yes? no? no? okay, what if i—

mmh, yes. ugly numbers. see it now? can you see why they're ugly?

here, i can make it worse.

these numbers are ugly. the maths they make me do is ugly.

now i'll level with you: the worst ones by far are the yellow numbers. the maths they make me do it the ugliest.

why ugly?

because it makes me ugly.

those numbers turn me into not only a suddenly number-obsessed fool, but a fool who also cannot understand these numbers and what they mean and why i feel like they reflect on me and my ability.

87, 75.

the thoughts are as follows:

• the orange numbers are big, so why are you being ugly about the yellow ones? you should be happy with what you have. so many nice big numbers! not everyone receives that.

• is it that there are two different audiences for these two different fics? perhaps. they are quite different works, with different appeals, and different themes. maybe you are reading too much into it.

• why are you obsessing over numbers anyway? you don't like maths! you left maths behind when you were 16, put it down!

okay, okay, fine! i'll put the maths down. right here, in fact!:

that 87 was an 83 at the start of the year. the 6161 it is attached to was a 5453.

4, 708.

ugly maths.

the 75 is a nice number. in fact, compared to 87, it is beautiful, radiant, enchanting. at the start of the year, 75 was 48. wow. now that is one sexy number!

27.

mmmm.

6161, 1061.

5100.

87, 75.

12.

mmmm.

you know, my most favourite comment left recently on a fic of mine was 2 characters long: :(

it made me :)

well, actually, it made me >:) because it was left in response, presumably, to one of the key scenes in a new chapter which left the exact impression on someone that i hoped it would.

they must be the only one who reacted like that, though.

1.

have i mentioned that that 87 and 75 include author responses?

i won't try to do more maths, there. it might not end well for me. the maths is making me tired enough as it is, and i have an early start tomorrow.

oh! but, that being said, i have another set of ugly numbers to show you, so keep 87 and 75 in mind.

ready?

838, 245.

(want a hint? the green numbers!)

838, 87. 245, 75.

9.6, 3.3.

ugly maths. it's ugly again, see? i don't like it. i'm seeing numbers within numbers within numbers, and i can't seem to stop!

the numbers make me ask new questions:

• why is it not good enough?

• people seem to engage more with one fic over the other, so shouldn't you prioritise?

• is all this maths this really good for you?

no, it isn't.

i want to avoid ugly maths. ugly maths makes me want to tear my hair out. it makes me want to start from scratch. it makes me want to grab someone and scream. it makes me want to cry and press a button that has tempted me many times before when the numbers become too ugly to bear.

ugly maths turn me into an ugly person.

ugly maths make me obsessive, paranoid, anxious, regretful, vindictive, spiteful, alone.

i hate maths. i hate numbers, just like, it feels, the numbers hate me.

#helia rants #cw vent #i'm okay but i'm not #this has been playing on my mind over the last couple of weeks #it's aimed at the sky rather than anyone here #i know i'm not the best myself as commenting. i justify it to myself by affirming i don't read much. which i don't.#since the start of the year i have tried to comment on everything i have read #bearing in mind i may also dm someone rather than comment because i want to scream and ramble about their fic more personally #that being said. i know i'm not the only one who finds themselves doing ugly maths #and in turn starting to feel uglier too #i don't like looking at the numbers #i was doing well at the start of the year #but as i open my drafts and look to a new chapter and at the notes i wrote #i can't stop myself from opening the fic. from seeing where it's at. from seeing if it's changed. from checking my inbox to see if...#if only...#what it's meant is that i've come to a point where a fic i loved has become exactly that: a fic i loved. past tense #the other fic is still a fic i love. but i know deep down that that is tied to the numbers too #i hate that this is what i've become #because i have tiny fics. fics with 50 hits and maybe 1 comment. and i love them. i still love them #but when it comes to the big ones. the multi-chapters. the hefty fics. after a point all i see are numbers #and those numbers have come to determine both my happiness and fulfilment as a writer #and so i am ugly. i am sad. i am pathetic.#and i don't know how to stop.#helia's stuff #this was meant to save back into my drafts. i was editing tags. tumblr decided it should post. so... so be it.#also this is not an attention thing if anyone dares go 'oh but you're a good writer uwu' i might do something we'll all regret #this is also not a 'ffs comment on my fics will you 😒' hell no #it's just about me. and my issue. and my unhealthy relationship with these fucking numbers.#gotta get this shit out of my head somehow :)

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docholligay · 8 months

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Full review tomorrow or maybe Friday but

Short: I wanted to like this book more than I think I actually liked it (I kept checking my phone through the last quarter, which is unusual for me) and I need to think a bit on why. Horrible Garbage Traitor Petty Bitch Ouyang forever tho.

#he's THE WORST #on every level #but he gives me.... michiru vibes??? sort of??? i need to think of this at more length but yes #i don't want to get spoilery here but yes he makes me scream what an asshole #me: so you're gonna burn up every good thing in your life and everyone who has been good to you for the past 2 decades #for people you don't remember and a culture you don't know #ouyang *leans into microphone*:#yes #me: oh okay then!#its a whole 'we choose what defines us' thing and okay i need to stop I'm just writing the review now

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disorganizedkitten · 6 months

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Listen. I deeply dislike being my own PR team.

This feels like such a dumb thing to complain about but genuinely it's?? so much work? I have social anxiety but equally it is my own responsibility to network and make my own work sound appealing and it's just. Such a Feeling.

I can talk about myself and my writing all the time, that part's not hard at all, but making sure that when I talk about it it sounds appealing? Being in charge of enticing others to actually interact?

Deeply tiring. I dislike interactions whose goal is advertisement and I UNDERSTAND it's different when it's indie creators and fanworks and not capitalism/consumerism but I think I'm still a bit rough from consumer culture, you know?

I just want to create and shout into the void and it not be tiring but at the same time I crave validation and I want to be known and it is. a dilemma.

#I get awkward inviting people to read my stuff #okay #you don't see it bc I draft things for so long but I do #social anxiety is a bitch #and my only silver lining is that it's not entirely debilitating #thanks to COPIOUS HARD WORK TYVM #yeah so i'm a disaster #Jaymeow speaks #jaymeow speaks #DK speaks #I am my own PR team and I won't STOP #I just want everyone to know it's tiring #and I don't think I'm the only creator who thinks so #so really this is a quiet way to scream REBLOG CONTENT PLEASE I'M BEGGING YOU #off to curl up in a word doc and a discord chat and have actual fun #before returning to pretend I'm that being a successful author means being a functional writer

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milkyspine · 1 year

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— accidental prayer

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