#i dont know if ive been this bad since i was on birth control years back | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lordmushroomkat · 9 months

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hi sorry to place a mild rant here i just cant do journaling to myself. So i got diagnosed with pcos and i just got birth control to take. And i dont know how to feel about it. Im genderqueer but not ready to come out and like E was the only option they gave me and since im a teen i didnt know, still dont know, how, if, when i can tell these people that i dont think this is what i want. Im writing this right before im supposed to take my first pill and im scared. Scared i will hate it and will have to live with that because i just cant come out. But im also scared it will make me feel better. Do as my mom says and make me less tired, less cranky. Im scared that when she says that she is doing this because its the best for my health, that she is scientfically right. And my dr even mentioned how i didnt seem to care about anything they were talkin about (pills-side effects, “benefits”) but like after the fact i realized that i could have said that i didnt care because all that she wasnt going to improve my life in any fucking meaningful way. Like body hair? Love it. Or well i would like to remove some not all of it, and not feel like in removing like stomach hair that i was agreeing that i was a women or that hair is disgusting. Because i would remove hair for myself ya know. Not for the preconcieved idea of who i am and how i should look. And acne? If i cared id actually put my acne cream on. Fertility? Dont want children, and they talked about unwanted random fertility but im ace and sex repulsed. Beyond the first visit they didnt even mention cancer. Ive been telling myself im going to take these pills to prevent cancer in uterine lining. And im scared to look up how true thag is. I mean on how e decreases these helath risks. Im scared theyre right. Im scared their wrong. I will fucking riot if they are lying because that means this is for nothing. Im scared it wont give me gender dysphoria, scared i will have dysphoria because it wull peel layers off the dissasosiation i face. and before all this i was planning on making my mom a presentation about intersex people and gender. Because shes supportive just a littl confused and not radical, im radical because grief has made me angry and i want to let her in on it ig. But i dont think i can do that anymore. Because i would have pointed myself out as intersex. Imply she could be too if she liked the label. But im scared that her being cis, and having struggled with weight and eating when she was a teen (and that pcos effects weight) would mean she would hate the idea. Would call me wrong or cite drs. She told me to shave under my arms once, for the convience when traveling light on vacation so that deodorant worked better?? And hours after she said it i realized if i existed for ease i would crase to exist. But im worried whats a good ease for her would be a killer for me. Idk anymore. i guess any advice? But that will probably be to come out and i dont think i can do that. any research or resources that proves im allowed to be angry? I think im just looking for people to tell me im normal for feeling this way. Having a bad day. Thanks for any.. help? Hope this wasnt triggering or anything, i just saw that you were nonbinary with pcos too- and yea. Okay bye

I really don't know if I'm the right person to answer this. I was already out as non-binary for years before I got my PCOS diagnosis. When they said "take these pills" I asked about the other options and they gave me none so I simply refused to take the pills. But I'm like,,, I don't super care about the negative affects of PCOS. I'm casually suicidal all the time and I'll keep living for my family but if something kills me I'm pretty alright with it. I don't really expect to live much longer than like, a handful of decades and like honestly the world is on fire so it'll probably be shorter. So like, my perspective on this is not necessarily a super healthy one? I'm fairly apathetic about my own existence.

But like, I understand your struggle here with wanting to explain the PCOS=intersex connection to your mom but knowing she'll respond poorly because she also has PCOS.

I really don't have any solid advice here. Just... I guess, consider really carefully how you want to feel in your body. If you've been enjoying the superficial changes the PCOS has done to your body with this weird little second puberty, maybe you should consider advocating for yourself a little more firmly about it. Your future health is important but so is your current comfort in your body.

#PCOS intersex #gender experiences #queue

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wellnesscard · 2 years

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long/personal not very important just processing and working through some shit dont read if ur trying to avoid negative body image topic i guess lolol

went to a massage yesterday and had the worst trip of my life like drug terms it was a bad trip, simple as. devon had booked them for us becuase both our bodies are so tired from working so much. but i was so tense i could not relax i was not mentally and emotionally and spiritually prepared to have all my insecurities laid bare like that. long story short it was just me laying facedown paranoid they were going to rupture my birth control in my arm or touch my genitals or see my pad (on my period ) and i started spiraling and was convinced the massouse (?) thought i was the most disgusting person she'd ever had to touch and hated me and i smelled bad and was repulsive etc. she kept going out of the room and talking to the other masuse lady like WHAT ARE YOU SAYING ABOUT ME [extreme crying emojis] then there were like the hot stones and the very last ones she put on were so so hot like 10x what all the others had been like i almost jumped out of the bed as soon as she put them on (with no warning btw... just came in from the other room and threw them on me in two seconds flat. which is kind of fucked honestly. idk. devon's warned him about his stones like. im not imagining all of this...) they did burn me i did spring a tear at this point and tried to be chill then i rolled them off my legs because i couldnt. and of course once a tear is sprung i cant stop so i spent the next thirty minutes just like trapped there in panic mode trying not to cry but still crying while this crazy lady yanked my legs and my hair and touched me weirdly and then she's like Turn Over and i had to try and dry my face up real quick because i didnt know there would be a turning over part - there was NO intake thats why i was so scared they were going to break my nexplanon. this was so rough man. i spent this whole weird ass massage just thinkng of all my body dysmorphia and eating disorder stuff it triggered me super hard to be honest and im not sure if ive relapsed at this point or not yet im sure ill get over it but yeah... that was fucking terrible + i have such a shitty relationship with myself its really sad and honestly the best i ever felt was when i ate only meat vegetables dairy and some fruits / nuts for two years and had sweet abs and weighed 112lbs. and i think i need to stop glamorizing that period in my head but it was the only time i actually felt hot and powerful and confident in my body and wasnt faking it. but i was still sortaaa bulimic (when i ate outside my restrictions) and was doing The Most amount of drugs back then too, even though i ate really healthily, and as much as i wanted, for the first time since 7th grade so it felt like recovery. But IDK, i think its less fucked up to stop eating breads/sugars and start going to the gym than keep hiding from the fact that i think i look like a toe. rolling my eyes.

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amiaboyoragirl · 5 months

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alone

i dont have any friends. i live at home with emotionally unavailable parents and my brother, who is my only semi trusted person. we are really close and honestly if i didnt have him i wouldnt be alive but we definitely butt heads and i feel bullied by him even though he doesnt mean to hurt my feelings hes just a blunt ass bitch and 6.5 years younger than me but the dynamic is basically im a big baby he feels the need to take care of. and were codependent with weed nicotine and money/food. im a mess and cant get a job, he does instacart when hes not stoned af at home. hes the only person i interact with during the day other than awkward convos with my mom complaining about something and at least once a day i have to hug my dad which makes me very uncomfortable because 1. im autistic. 2. i have sexual trauma 3. he has traumatized me so bad but either doesnt remember or doesnt think it was traumatic (didnt involve incest but he was too involved in my personal business and forced me on birth control that fucked up my health for a while when the incident that caused him to flip was asault but my mom just slut shamed me and yeah anyway my relationship with them is fucked) but i have ocd and if i dont hug them i feel like theyre gonna die after that thinking idont love them because they cant see any other reason why i wouldnt hug them. and honestly im touch starved so a hug is nice here and there but my body is so uncomfortable here. ive lived here my whole life and i feel helpless. im sure it is learned helplessness because of trauma but still i cannot fucking function outside in the world alone.

i also have tits that make me uncomfortable and im currently trying to figure out if i feel this way because im trans or because of trauma and the general sexualization of the female body and social dynamics idk. i also just got out of a 3.5 year relationship with someone i thought i was going to marry and shit but i felt like i was a lesbian and broke up with him even though i didnt want to lose him i knew he wouldnt love me the way i loved him or if i was a guy inside he wouldnt love me anymore. i know he loved me. but a lot of it feels fuzzy and i cant decipher what was real or if it was all chemicals cuz we fucked and smoked and ate and watched tv and talked all the time. the sex was fucking amazing. sometimes i cry about it still. and i still cant touch myself without thinking about him and just forcing myself to dissociate through it and sleep immediately after. ive always been a sex addict since i was way too fucking young but before this relationship i was sleeping with multiple guys all the time, i needed it to get through going to school and work and keeping up the mask. but then covid hit. met my ex. realized we are autistic. i couldnt keep pretending and forcing myself to work in a fucking restaurant that was sensory hell and triggered my eating disorder. ughhhhh god dammit i know im just romanticizing my ex relationship because im missing the sex and affection and talking to him but realistically we werent going to last and i still feel like we both were hiding some feelings or thoughts we had idk i think he couldve been a narcasisstic asshole but my heart doesnt feel that way, maybe im the narcasist and hes just audhd and traumatized just like me. idk fuck. i miss him so much. we were doing so good like finally things felt peachy again and looking up for us even tho in reality it wasnt we were and are still broke addicts too stubborn to get help. but it was fun while it lasted i guess.

anyway i feel like a rabbit in a hole running out of food and water while the world dances in the snow covering the exit. idk. i havent eaten breakfast yet and i already smoked twice so im sure ill eat and sleep this shit off but idk the thing that gets me everyday is i wake up from a dream i feel like im with my ex and then wake up alone and sad as fuck and it just ruins my day because i let it, i dont want to let go of the pain, of him, i fucking miss him and wish things could be different. we always said we wanted to die holding each other in bed like that couple preserved in pompeii. my chest is on fire right now and if i could just have one more night together id do anything. we have the same birthday so that sucks. i wanted to say happy birthday but it felt way too soon and idk if itd ruin his day or not but iwas def sad all day. we broke up 2 months ago now and havent spoken since but i saw him twice waiting to cross the street while i drove by and my heart sank to my ass. he looked good af. but i have to be honest with myself its not my responsibility to try to make him not angry and act like a man child sometimes. and its not fair tohim to feel responsible for my moods all the time we just couldnt take care of eachother the way we needed because we are both depleted of what we need idk. im going back to sleep. im just feeling emo we shouldnt get back together but i feel like i cant trust my brain because im bpd and pmdd and i always feel this way around my period, we break up then my periods over and im sad as fuck about it and regret it. its too late now im sure hes lost any interest in me and has moved on.good for him. he should. i actually really hope hes happy right now. but i know i didnt feel completely right with him so fuck it ill just try to move on. i just wish i could be normal and have a job or school and friends stuff to distract myself and have new memories but im so isolated rn and depressed idk. i might feel fine tomorrow so i wont kms lol. bpd is sooo fun. especially with gender and sexuality ocd and just wanting to be loved but feeling so unlovable ayyyyy.. i could feel hot after breakfast who knows.

#sad thoughts #vent post #bpd #breakup #alone #no friends #fml #isolation #confused #FTM

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teddyextrapaw · 11 months

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eidolon’s gender diaries: 7/6/2023

i thought it might be fun to document my medical transition here! i may even show photos of myself when relevant. today was just intake, though, so no need yet.

so. ive known i was trans since i was 11. came out to my entire family and school at 13. and ive been wanting top surgery and HRT the entire time

however i was super mentally unstable in my teen years, trauma, abuse and mental illness made it a hell of a struggle to stay alive. i was drowning and the possibility of testosterone making that worse concerned my mom.

we tried to get me on hormone blockers, but the guy i saw was a transphobic dickwad and deemed me not trans, even tho i thought i was a binary trans man at the time. he said i was just hormonal and sent me to the womens ward to go on birth control

ive been on just that, birth control, for 8-9 years now. my periods cause me severe dysphoria, but honestly it was not even sort of enough to help. it was a bandaid solution to a bigger problem

over the past 13 years of learning and growing and figuring myself out, ive come to love my body and identity the best i possibly can. but as my mental state stabilized yet my dysphoria stayed consistently horrific and disabling, i realized i might have to make the jump and start gender affirming care

it was scary. my dream has always been to be gender non conforming. ideal gender presentation for me is like... beard, makeup, long hair, no boobs and a dress. lol. tho tbh, clothes wise i dress different all the time. but u kno

given the bad experience with the highly acclaimed gender specialist at 16, i was highkey terrified but my experience at the lgbt clinic i went to today was literally insanely positive

first off, my doctor is trans. they are not 100% sure on pronouns yet, but they do not identify with their assigned gender. love it! they are super passionate, kind, and caring. they love to say “beautiful” when they mean “great” (i.e. “do you know about xyz side effect?” “yeah!” “beautiful :D”) and theyre just... so cute lol.

i got my blood drawn for tests on diabetes risk, blood cell count, and testosterone and estrogen levels. i just got it drawn for other health issues recently so thankfully that lessened the amount of bloodwork. i haaate bloodwork.

i also had to sign So much paperwork so my doc is not legally accountable for if i misuse the meds or dont like the results. he wished he could just give me testosterone today but that and the bloodwork needs done first

im a little afraid of the lifestyle changes ill need to make, namely with making sure to exercise more as there is a higher risk of cardiac arrest and similar issues on testosterone but staying in shape can help lessen it. but i think itll be good for my mental health in the long run, and a good motivator

next week i have an appointment where we will do everything and ill get my first prescription of testosterone... shakes like a chihuahua in excitement

also, apparently my insurance is very lax about top surgery and i may be able to get it within the month. at the latest, within the year!!!!!! my bmi/weight does not matter and i got a recommendation of a surgeon i was already impressed with the results of!!! hes done a lot of top surgery for “obese” patients and it all looks amazing

im literally so excited. i honestly thought i might not live to see the day i got to medically transition... but here we are :D i lived!!! i lived bitches!! im 24 and i have a long life to continue!!! and i will be so much happier and my body will feel like MINE!!!!!!!!!

#eidolon gabs #textpost #eidolons gender diaries #transgender #weight mention #bmi mention #fatphobia jic #but they were not fatphobic. not at all

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cirillafionaelenriannon · 1 year

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w last post literally. i got diagnosed w pcos when i was 16 and i was told because i didnt have any visible symptoms i had nothing much to worry about. everytime ive been to the doctor since ive had my feelings on it dismissed, and ive been told because i LOOK healthy that i’m fine and theres nothing they can do except put me on birth control. they can’t give me any kind of medication to help with any symptoms i might experience.

my first time there i wasn’t given any information on PCOS, they gave me a pamphlet and that was it. like the absolute lack of care or empathy or anything lmfao. i had to find out myself that it could lead to diabetes and cancer. and diabetes already runs in my family so i’m even More likely to get it when i’m older. i didn’t know that pcos was a hormonal imbalance that affects your insulin levels, that it causes inflammation or anything. and half the treatment options recommended for you is to lose weight, but that’s that treatment offered for practically every fucking issue you can have as a woman with a disorder that AFFECTS your weight. and it’s not just oh eat less, don’t have so much sugar or take out. it’s don’t eat red meat, don’t eat bread, don’t eat wraps, don’t eat potatoes, don’t eat gluten, don’t eat dairy, don’t eat anything with a large amount of carbs. which is completely inaccessible for me!!!!

and maybe some people are totally comfortable with those lifestyle changes but as someone who already has a really really bad relationship with food, it makes eating as a whole so hard and i’ve spent practically the past 10 months every single day thinking about my weight and my body and food and obsessing over it and i thought going into the new year i’d regulate it all by starting to cook more and finding food i enjoy but having all these limits on what i can eat has just completely torn me down. because no i don’t want to eat chicken with every freaking meal i have as a source of protein and i don’t want to eat eggs for breakfast everyday. and is that so fucking bad of me. Diet culture and discussions around food with PCOS make me so unbearably depressed ive spent all day thinking about it and hating myself for not being one of those people who can just suck it up and deal with it. and being sad in general that i have pcos and i have these symptoms and i have to learn to manage them. and its either be upset with my weight forever and risk diabetes which i dont even see the point in trying to prevent when i have all the odds stacked up against me! or be severely depressed w an eating disorder.

like i can’t say it anywhere for support on it because i know a lot of it would just be like Well suffer then lol. and like You have no discipline etc. like. i Like vegetables dude. I like a lot of things. but oh my god do you know how many fucking recipes i can bear looking at of the same things over and over! and autism already makes it hard enough for me. all i’m saying is i just don’t want to get sick and die of physical illness as much as i don’t want to get sick and die of mental illness. but i feel like no matter what direction i look in Either one is going to happen either way.

so anyway. i’m just sad that so much of the talk around pcos is weight and diet and exercise oriented. i’m not saying those things don’t contribute, they clearly do. i’m just saying i’m going to have pcos forever and theres nothing i can do to erase it, it’s lifelong. i can do what i can to reduce symptoms if needed, but it’s always going to be there no matter what. and i’m again just so sad that nobody seems to understand my sadness over it. my mother had no thoughts on it when i was diagnosed and my doctors have all been so dismissive about it. i just feel really alone in my struggle lollllllll.

#text #also really crazy fact is ur body also cant regulate cortisol well which is a stress hormone and #if u have high cortisol levels it has a negative affect on you and all this has done is stress me. the fuck. out.#valkyrie.txt #and literally crazy how ive only been thinking abt this for like a week now and its already made me crazy fucking suicidal like actually #sitting in the shower crying because i cant bear to think about #my life anymore and how fucked it all is and how i cant catch a break no matter what #so cheers 2 Me wanting to kill myself again. LOL

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maskedjoker · 4 years

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We are getting really close to the scene in lost fragment of snow that was genuinely confusing in the book, and it's the scene were everyone in the circus is killed. I think what we will probably get is a scene were mana finally ends up giving into despair after he is hit and then allen is fed to a lion.

I think that with more current info, i can say for sure that sleeve earl and mana are a hybird. This will likely cause a resurgence of sleeve earl into taking over the body and becoming whole. This only lasts for a short time however and when cross confronts him after the rest of the circus has died from the audience turning into akuma(which i suppose are implied to be constantly just around the earl and is probably one of the many reasons cross warned Allen to stay away) some exchange of words or damage causes a lots of control. This damage however also hurts mana(or potentially just being forced out off control) causing him to loose even more memories as seen when mana and Allen reunite the next day.

Now i think we can agree that sleeve earl exists as a third entity, especially since her recent art exhibit interview, as she talked about the suit being a super sophisticated golem. I think in this case as with tim and lero yhat "golem" refers to AI. Id argue with the weird phrasing like helix of life and all the biotech style that magic is more often than not just more advanced technology, and wherever the noahs came from likely was, hence why they say they only seem strong because we have become so weak. This is only further shown with innocences resemblance to machines like its gear like parts and percentage resonance.

The noah memories in general i think are some kind of AI that passes through generation lines, carrying significant portions of its past forward and then fusing with a similar person in their lineage. For example early on road would have been just road, then through some means either became an AI(or was given a piece of someone that counts as one under golem, its unclear). Regardless once connected to the noah memory, it acts like a save file and becomes more sophisticated with time. It carries each life and gives all those memories, feelings and drives to a new body. So new road would remember being road, her life and everything, but also the life they had been living up until the two combined. Over time the noah memory keeps getting larger and larger to the point new experiences are so small, relatively speaking, that it overrides much more than normal. Since they are fuzed as one being they likely cant be separated without mutually assured destruction, were the current entity will die and any remains will not be the origionals, if anything remains at all. An example of this is that tyki could not be made human by Allen I their fight i the arc, despite having a blade that should destroy only part of him. Admittedly tyki is a special case though, and more tyki backstory is needed.

Changes from body to body become more subtle, but the base, which likely has a distinct core function as seen by its response to certain tasks and ideas, remains a strong aspect. This creates an almost reincarnation like effect for them, needing to only find a new body to continue.

The suit is like this, but different. I don't know how the original earl split, but i do think that some aspect of him was placed on the suit. I would like to say its the original version of the noah memories of the earl and nea got like a brand new copy, but i actually have no idea what memories he has of being past earl so its mostly a guess. Regardless the noah actually all seem to transform in some way when they get mega pissed. Im looking at you skinn, jasdevi, and tyki/joyd. So the suit is likely that kind of thing, but way more distinct and capable of acting autonomously. Since they all have different forms it makes sense that his would also be unique. They all probably represent some inner desire related to their memory. Skinn is just rage so big angry man works fine. Jasdero and devit are bonds so they want most to be one. Tyki got all fucked up before he changed so i got nothing, but it had a heavy does of sadism, which I guess is pleasure? Taking into account that killing in horrible graphic ways is his guilty pleasure it kinda makes sense.

So because of that, this sentient AI is constantly trying to pair with half a fucking brain because nea and mana only share one brain cell. Some kind of resistance from mana or strain causes him to constantly fall ill or comatose. Now to be clear on naming, sleeve earl does not refer to themselves as adam in the mirror scene nor does he refer to mana as adam, and only uses "we" when talking to mana about being the earl. Oddly enough the earls self pronouns are we, using wagashi which is kind of like the japanese equivalent of the royal we used in europe for the entirety of the series. For the record, mana in the flashbacks uses male or single they pronouns, i don't remember if he uses boku or watashi, but he uses at least one if not both.

So from this it seems millennium earl is a title, used by whatever is paired with the suit. Adam is the original name of the noah, and is the preferred name of the current earl aside from the title.

This circumstance was likely caused by the rest of the noah, who are using the earl for something related by the pillar. His separation either by accident or by intent was likely by the hands of his family trying to keep control for their ends. This is why the current earl is called a broken puppet and has so many things around him related to acting and stage plays. He is playing a role, the red clown to allens white clown as stated in the ark arc. He even wears a mask. His memories and mind have been damaged though, therefore broken. However broken puppet for both allen and the earl could also refer to a puppet that doesnt work as a double meaning, implying they can no longer be controlled or puppeted.

It is also implied that he is still unaware of this betrayal, but it is likely nea does to some degree as it would explain why he became a traitor and killed his own family. To be clear, i dont think all of the noah know everything, and i dont think they dont actually care for the earl. It seems they still genuinely follow him to their death and see him as one of their own, especially in cases like road, tyki and wisely.

Now early i said that different generations of noah would cope woth reincarnating differently. Since the earl only died once before 7000 years ago, id say resetting to a new body with only 17 years would be just smashed flat by any algorithm with that much data. However manas feelings are still the newest, and so still have an impact even on the current earl.

Now we come to resurrecting mana. How? Why? Well i dont know. But my guess is whatever part was the memories of mana for the 20 or so years he lived, or at least his memories at death, are in allen. His curse and weird hallucinations of mana seem to suggest it. Alternatively that part of his soul may have passed on, or it fuzed with the noah memory making the origional mana part of the hive and much like tyki and his noah memories cannot be seperated. Not good regardless.

As two additional things, i want to mention that hoshino is a twin and has always been obsessed with it, so having twins in her book was inevitable. What is extra weird is hoshino was actually going to be a triplet, but either her or her sister absorbed it before birth. She has mentioned it in dgm interviews and i cant PROVE it translates to anything in the plot but its suspicious. She also still list mana, nea and the earl as distinct in every book up to date in extra novels and at the start of her books. Oh and her favorite hat for the earl right now? The one featured on the most recent chapter? Has two faces on the front that are visible, and one in the back thats hidden, and the most recent art has the back face as the only one visible, angrily staring allen down. Great art foreshadowing if im right. Its also usually sleeve earl, if not exclusively, that wear it.

The second thing is mana talking about love and drive in the most recent chapter just brings up the earl having the noah memory of love or devotion or something for me. Ive written about it before but it just seems to fit. This character is all about that from the ability to fuze loved ones together to the hearts he talks with and his drives being based on grand acts of devotion, being by their side etc. Mana also loved and adopted both and dog and a homeless child and keeps talking about how the world is so beautiful despite all the bad. The earl literally acts like the whole noah clans mom by his own words and cooks for them, and both of them go out of their way to be cartoony to break tension. The earl literally goes and buys a single red rose from a poor girl while tyki pontificate on how he doesnt act like a villain. He doesnt take an umbrella because he wants to feel the rain. He talks about how what he does is in human nature and requires a connection between two people. He is even designed with his ideal colors as red and purple with white, as well as being designed after flowers. I know this probably doesnt make sense, but its stuck in my head.

#long post #ramble #mine #dgm #d. gray man #spoilers #theory #mana #nea #adam #millennium earl

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tendoki · 4 years

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pulling up with a baby with tendou bc of the quarantine and how the team would react pls 🥺 i feel like coach washijo would be happy and would try to convince yall to let the bby go to shiratorizawa 🤣

anon ive been having the worst day but this request made me lose my shit thank u so much GOOD LORD LMFAOO

I did my best to do this request JUSTICE lol. it turned into general baby havin hcs but I hope you like it regardless!! its rlly long so my bad 🥺

Shiratorizawa reacting to Tendou + his s/o leaving lockdown w a mfin BABY

OK. so he was prob at your apartment when the lockdown was announced

so since all his shit was already there, he had clothes and a toothbrush n it was just generally more convenient for him to stay at your place

he did! he messaged his mom to let her know where hed be, she Didnt Mind lol (we dont know much ab tendous family so?? aah)

now. not saying yall spent all ur time fucking. but u 100% did

and since u ran out of birth control and condoms pretty soon into quarentine......... 👀

both of u sorta just went

FUCK IT

both of you were pretty in love anyway, and even if things didnt work out, you guys figured that youd always work together to be the best parents for the kid you could possibly be

which led to were ur at now. a measly week out of quarantine. n ur being rushed to the labour ward.

tendou is RUNNING AFTER U W HIS LONG ASS LEGS

shiratorizawa closed for the rest of the academic year, which meant that as a 3rd year, you guys and a lot of the team wouldnt see eachother in uniform again

but not to worry!! to make up for the missed celebrations theyve organised a prom and a couple days where 3rd years can come in and give proper goodbyes to everyone, including the coaches!!

everyone on the team showed up, because they wanted to say bye to their senpais 🥺🥺

but. that's like 3 months from ur labour

so when u n tendou pull up to the school, with a 3month old CHILD they r. astounded.

they know its u guys' tho

literally theres not even the possibility for a JOKE that u cheated on tendou because the kid has the same fucking hair.

it's only a little tuft (u know what anime babies look like lol) but that nose n that hair? TENDOU SATORIS GENES CAME THRU

the baby has ur eyes. and compared to the rest of its tiny little face?? they're fucking HUGE

you guys let ushijima hold him (I feel like youd have a son?) and ngl ushi cries.

it's a single tear but tendou will INSIST that waka was SOBBING years afterward

everyone is so attached to the kid sorry

USHIJIMA IS THE GODFATHER LMAO DID U EXPECT ANYTHING ELSE???

the baby is so attached to semi tho!!! the second semi reaches forward to hold the kid and poke at its fat lil cheeks, hes giggling and blubbering up at his uncle semi 🥺

JWJDJD GOSHIKI FREEZES WHEN YOU OFFER HIM TO HOLD THE KID. HE JUST GOES PALE AND FREEZES UP

REON IS SO GOOD WITH THE BABY

he offers to help you guys go shopping for more baby stuff 🥺🥺 and when his mom finds out ab the kid (team sleepovers were at reons house n u were ALWAYS invited so she LOVES U sorry I make the rules)

she gives u some of reons old baby clothes!!! n ur LOSING ur mind because WDYM THIS TALL MFER WAS ONCE LIKE A FOOT TALL AND WEARING A BLUE BEAR ONESIE???

she doesnt judge u for being a young mother!! I imagine she was too?? Reon is real respectful n I'll be damned if she isnt just as sweet

the coaches are already on your ass about toddler volleyball. they call up a couple friends and have already organized a group for teaching young Young YOUNG kids how to play despite ur son being. 3 months old.

the whole team is Maybe in love with your son

sorry. it's our son now. shiratorizawa owns ur kid :/

when shirabu is holding your boy. the whole team watches as semi get jealous????? over a kid that's NOT his???

hes petty and tells him that hes holding him wrong (hes not)

washijo is obsessed with ur baby. hes so proud of tendou. insisting that ur son being 'the size of a FAT volleyball' is a great sign for his skills in the court

the whole team. is offering money. they know u 2 are JUST out of highschool and with quarentine, are probably pretty low on cash??

BUT !! I 100% hc that tendou draws!! nd hes been doing a shit load of commissions for like. years LOL

n hes always saved that money!! he only spent it on shounen jump, which dont make too much of a dent in the money pile lol

besides he took emergency comms the second you guys found out ab the pregnancy

if you draw/write/do any work from home that's gets you money, then you do that too!!

he forces u to do less work than him tho because hes WORRIED AB U N THE BABY 🥺

but you guys appreciate the offers from your friends!!! Reon and Ushi's mom both volunteer to baby sit when you guys want a date night, thus ur child creating one hell of a friendship between the ex-captain and his vice's mothers 🥺

I'm not gonna go thru ALL the team members reactions

but they're all really happy!! ofc they scold tendou for not using protection and are MAJORLY GROSSED OUT KNOWING THAT THE TWO OF U HAVE INDEED HAD SEX

even tho the fact that satori is a Horny boy should be universal knowledge by now

the team is there for you guys while the baby grows up!! the second the kid can walk ushi is kneeling down and teaching him to spike

tendou is just as bad and insists that his son is a prodigy and should be a pro volleyball player already

LISTEN

TENDOUS SHIRATORIZAWA NUMBER??? HIS JERSEY

U GUYS GET A TINY VERSION OF THAT MADE

EVEN OF HE ISNT DOING VOLLEYBALL ANYMORE THIS MAN IS SO PROUD TO SEE HIS NUMBER ON HIS BOY 🥺🥺🥺👉🏻👈🏻

ur son is a mamas boy n it breaks tendous heart ngl

u make up for it by having a daughter a year or two down the line 😳 n shes OBSESSED with her dad it's cute but also BABY ur 4 please stop sleeping in mommy n daddies bed 🥺🥺🥺

also ur sons first words

oh boy

u can tell that the whole fuckin team has been teaching ur son volleyball stuff

u came home n ur son is sat in the living room SURROUNDED by ur (other) boys

ur (main) boy starts blubbing and bouncing at the sight of his mama 🥺 (or dada/other parent if ur an afab trans person!!!)

you tell off the team for tryna get ur baby into vball when hes barely 6months at this point

but before the boys all leave 🥺🥺 ur son grabs his favourite uncle semi and just goes

'sehtah!!!' (setter)

SEMI BREAKS DOWN CRYIBG LMAOOO

ngl tendou n u r kinda pissed that ur babies first words werent mama or dada. but then u see how happy semi is n u both just 🥺

semi is soft for your son and as the kid grows up hes still attached to him

he cant get away with being a brat though, boys got a whole mfing TEAM of dads/uncles PLUS grampy Washijo are ready to scold this boy

your son (and future daughter) are both SO loved though

theyve always got SOMEONE they know they can depend on

the team loves tendou and they love u, so OFC they ADORE any kids u guys have EVER.

they stay in contact with both of you even if you split up later on, they care enough about you guys that the y/n tendou powercouple is something every new generation of shiratorizawa volleyboys are taught about and introduced to

and YES ANON. WASHIJO DOES INSIST ON YOUR KID(S) GOIN SHIRATORIZAWA

they're guaranteed a spot!! they dont even have to work for it lmfaooo

mostly because coach threatens to leave the school and work with karasuno if they dont confirm them a place

it's an empty threat but it WORKS

the worldwide lockdown of 2020 is something you and tendou remember fondly forever 🥺

even if it was in bad circumstances the two of you made something so positive

this turned into general baby hcs with tendou MY BAD LOL IM IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN AND ALSO CONSTANTLY GOING THRU BABY FEVER

#tendou satori #tendou satori x reader #tendou satori fluff #hq x reader #haikyuu x reader #yeah i love kids so much #long post

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happys-crazy-queen22 · 5 years

Text

Warped Tour Surprise

Gif Credit @bloodrunluv-blog

Requested By Anon I hope you enjoy it

Hope you all enjoy.

Happy Reading Dollies

@chriscrosscerulli @ryansitkowskiswifey @ilovetaquitosmmmm

"Warped tour here we come". You cheered as you started loading your bag into the tour bus.

"This year is going to be great". Chris kissed your lips.

"And why is that"?

"Because you're here and we can have tons of sex".

"That's the only reason"?

"No, I'm glad you're here with me. We get to spend time together and go to concerts like normal couples".

"That sounds truly romantic, Chris. I love you".

"I love you too". He kissed you again, picking you up and throwing you over his shoulder smacking your ass on the way to the door.

"Crazy goon, put me down". He threw you on the couch. You landed with a thud and your head landed in Ryan's lap.

"Hi there". You smiled looking up at him. Ryan was not impressed.

"Hi".

"Chris come get your girlfriend out of my lap and put her in yours".

"She's yours. I need a break she's been on my lap all night". Chris laughed as you gasped getting off Ryan.

"You liar. He's been in my lap the whole night".

"I really don't want to hear about your sex life. Please shut up".

"Oh Ryan, you love me".

"The jury is still out on that". Ryan chuckled as he went back to his phone.

"Babe, I'm going to lay down for a bit". You told Chris.

"You okay. Don't tell me you're getting sick we just started warped tour".

"No just tired. I didnt get much sleep last night". You winked at Chris as Ryan groaned.

"I'm still here hearing about your sex life".

"Good night". You kissed his lips and headed off to his bunk.

You must have slept for hours because when you woke up you were already there. The guys were walking around getting to know the band's that were playing.

Getting out of bed your head started to feel dizzy as you stood up. You quickly sat back down. Feeling nauseous and light headed you crawled back into bed and tried going back to sleep. You shrugged it off as the motion of the bus moving.

"Y/N"? Feeling a hand shake you a groan came from you.

"What"?

"You're missing all the fun". It was Chris.

"I'm not in the mood for fun. I don't feel good".

"What's wrong"?

"I think the bus ride made me dizzy and nauseous".

"Yeah that can happen if you haven't been on a long bus ride before. It will get better. You need anything"?

"No I'm good. Going to try and sleep some more".

"Okay. Rest well". Chris kissed your temple and rubbed your leg before leaving.

The night came Chris and the band were back inside they were up front talking and laughing. A very awful taste came into your mouth as you were sleeping. You tried swallowing it down but the more you swallowed the stronger the urge got to throw up.

"Oh fuck". You covered your mouth throwing yourself off the bed and leaped over the piles of bags and clothes in the floor and bolted to the bus bathroom.

Blech blech. The sounds of your lunch hit the toilet. Your eyes were watering and you throat burned.

"What is that"? Ricky asked, quieting everyone down.

"Everyone's here". Balz looked around.

"Y/N". Chris yelled sprinting to the bathroom. He knocked on the door.

"Y/N, you okay"?

"No". You gagged as a piece of food got stuck in your throat.

"I get you a sprite and some crackers". You heard him walk away.

"What's happened"? Ricky questioned.

"She's sick. I think she has motion sickness from the bus". Chris grabbed a can of sprite and a sleeve of crackers heading back to you.

"Hope she feels better".

Chris knocked again then came in. You sat on the floor with a rag on your face.

"Here you go". Chris popped the top on the can and handed it to you.

"Thanks". You cleared your throat. It was hurting and you sounded terrible. You haven't thrown up this much since the last time you got food poisoning at the seafood restaurant that Chris took you for your birthday six months ago.

"I'm sorry". He crouched beside you. Removing the wash cloth you eyed him.

"It's not your fault. I'm just not use to it like you are. I'll be better tomorrow".

"Do you need anything like motion sickness medicine"?

"No. Just leave me the bathroom, keep me in sprite and just love me".

"I can do that". He chuckled.

"Oh and guess what"?

"What"?

"Slipknot is playing one show here. They're the special guest".

"No f-ing way".

"So you need to get better. I want to take you to their concert".

"I'm already better. It's a date". You blew a kiss to him when he closed the door checking on you before he left.

Two days have past and you sickness hasn't stopped. Chris was getting worried but you just shrugged it off until you felt you threw up a lung. Your back hurt and you didn't feel like yourself.

"I'm taking you to the hospital". Chris grabbed your bag and started putting clothes in it.

"I'm not going to the hospital. I'm fine. This will pass".

"You haven't ate a proper meal in three days. You live on sprite and crackers. That's not healthy".

"Chris".

"Please go. For me"? He looked at you with those puppy dog eyes.

"Fine but under one condition".

"What"?

"You can't go". Chris shook his head.

"No, I'm going to be there. What if something is wrong"?

"Then I will call you".

"What if you dont have time? They will take you to surgery and I will never know".

"I'm going alone or not at all".

"Okay you dont want me to go the you're going with Ryan".

"Ryan"?

"Yes".

"Ask him, he's going to say no".

"Ryan will you take Y/N to the hospital"? Chris asked Ryan who was sitting in his bunk playing a game.

"Yeah".

"Ryan you're supposed to say no".

"You really need to go. I will wait out in the waiting room for you".

"Fine. Let's go". You groaned. Getting out of your nice warm bunk.

Ryan and you waited in the waiting room what seemed like forever but it was only twenties minutes. You had thrown up six times in that time. The nurse was afraid you would pass out.

"We are the only ones here what is taking so long"? Ryan bounced his leg.

"We might be the only ones you see but this hospital is probably filled with a lot of people. If you don't want to be here then you can go"?

"No, I told Chris I would take you and I am".

"I just hate hospitals".

"I know. Me too. Just relax and play on your phone".

"It dying". Ryan huffed.

"Here play on mine". You handed him your phone.

"Thanks".

"Miss Y/L/N"? A nurse called you.

"Here". You smiled at Ryan and followed the nurse. Ryan sat there quietly playing on your phone, texting Chris every few minutes with up dates.

"So miss Y/L/N, what brings you in here today"? Your doctor asked as she looked at your chart.

"I'm on tour with my boyfriend and we ride in a tour bus so the day we got to the site I got this feeling of nausea and I was dizzy. I thought it was just motion sickness but this has been going on for three days now, it's gotten worse and it doesn't seem to be letting up any time soon".

"Okay, lets take a look at you and see what we can do". You laid down on the exam table. She lifted up your shirt and started touching your stomach.

"I'm guessing you are sexually active"?

"Yes but we always use condoms".

"Are you on birth control"?

"No, I have really bad side effects in using birth control so I don't take any".

"Okay".

"I'm going to run a few test and see maybe something will show up".

"Fine".

The nurse came and drew blood and she hooked you to a IV you were dehydrated from all the throwing up.

"Everything has came back normal except one".

"Oh god".

"You're pregnant. Congratulations".

"What? How? I mean I know how but woah".

"I'd say you're about six months".

"Six months"?

"Yes".

"Can you get morning sickness after you find out"?

"Some have morning sickness through out the pregnancy and others only get it some on and off". "Why do ask"?

"Six months again I got food poisoning or could I have been pregnant at the time and it was just telling me and I didn't listen"?

"You may have been. Did you go to the doctor"?

"No. It was over in twenty-four hours".

"Then you may have been. It's highly likely".

"This is insane, really". Your mind was blown.

"Do you want to keep it"?

"Yes. Yes. I'm happy its just very unexpected thats all". "I came in here thinking I'm dying and I'm just pregnant".

"How did I not know"?

"The baby was probably playing hide and seek with you coming out at night and hiding during the day. Has you appetite increased"?

"Yeah but I was under stress so I thought stress eating".

"Well you're pregnant and not dying so you're boyfriend is going to get a shock of his life". She said with a chuckle.

"Yeah he is".

After the doctors you went to get something to eat. She had given you motion sickness pills to help you eat. Ryan was asking all sorts of questions on the way there.

"Are you okay"?

"Ryan yes. I'm just hungry". You said taking a bite out of your burger. "Mmmmmm, so good".

"Did she drug you"?

"No".

"Then why all of the sudden can you eat"?

"She gave me motion sickness meds and I'm pregnant".

"What"!!

"I'm pregnant and if you tell Chris before I do you'll never be able to play a guitar again".

"What"?!!! He was stunned. It wasn't even his kid and he was shocked.

"I'm pregnant". You took the last bite of your burger.

"I didn't know you two were trying"?

"We weren't. It just happened. Can you get me another burger"?

"Here you can have mine". Ryan handed you his burger.

"You think its a bad idea that I keep the baby"?

"No, I just can't believe that Chris is the first one to have a kid. I thought it would be Ricky or Vinny".

"Vinny? He's still a kid". You giggled.

"Exactly, they can learn to grow up together".

"Seriously though, I'm happy for you". He gave you a shy smile.

"Thanks Ryan".

"Now let's get you back before Chris has my head".

"Do you know the stage manager for slipknot"?

"Yeah"?

"Can you give them a call? I need to talk to them".

"Okay"? Ryan took out his phone and handed it to you. The drive back to warped tour you were planning something for Chris.

"Y/N". Chris wrapped his long arms around your waist.

"How did it go"?

"I was dehydrated and she just gave me meds for the nausea".

"That's all"?

"Yeah". You looked at Ryan who was hiding his face. He really couldnt keep a secret as big as this from Chris.

"Ryan"?

"Yeah, everything's good. But...". You gulped when Ryan said but.

"She has her appetite back so we may need more food". Thank God he didn't say anything.

"I figured she would. Im glad you're fine". "Are you ready to party tonight"?

"Yeah, I'm waiting for that date".

"They're about to go on. You want to head over there"?

"Yeah". You wrapped your arm around his waist his arm around your shoulder and walked to the Slipknot stage.

"Come on". You pulled Chris to the back with the Slipknot crew.

"We can't be back here". Chris sneaked in as you giggled.

"Y/N"? The manager waved you over.

"Wait, you know him"? Chris was in aww.

"Hey there".

"After the last song you can go on there".

"Thank you so much".

"No problem". He said with a smile.

"You're fucking kidding me? We're going on stage with Slipknot"? Chris was acting like a kid in a candy store.

"Yes".

"How"?

"I have connections". Chris kissed you hard and passionate.

It was the second to last song. You and Chris were rocking out to one of Chris's favorite songs. You're surprised Chris hasn't gotten whiplash but you'd worry about that later. He was is happy.

You could hear Corey tell the audience that the lead singer of Motionless in white is coming on stage with his girlfriend.

"That's your queue". The manager pointed to the front.

"Lets go". You grabbed Chris's sweaty hand and pulled him on stage. His face was frozen. He was nervous being there with a person he looked up to.

"Hi ya doing Chris"? Corey asked.

"Great". Chris mumbled into the mic.

"Wonderful, now this little lady has something to tell you". He handed you the mic.

"Chris, I'm having so much fun with you in this fairy tale and I think it's time we add a new chapter to it".

"I'm pregnant".

Chris starred at you with a blank expression. You understand that it was a shock but this was funny.

"You okay there pal"? Corey asked Chris who nodded and mumbled a few words.

"You sure, do we need a medic"?

"No".

"So, what do you think"?

"We're going to need a bigger tour bus". Chris ran his hand through his hair.

"Yeah but are you happy"?

"Yes. Fuck yes". He hugged you tightly swirling you around on stage.

"Give a round of applause for the new parents". Corey clapped. Chris quickly hugged him and squealed. You didn't know if he was happy about the baby or hugging Corey Taylor.

"I'm so fucking happy". Chris screamed, you giggled hugging him.

"I love you".

"I love you too". Chris kissed you sweetly with his hand on your belly.

Chris was truly happy until you told him that you were six months along then he fainted. He thought he had some time to get things ready but the baby would be here in no time. The guys still couldnt believe that Chris was the first to knock a girl up and become a dad when you told them.

#chris motionless #chris motionless x reader #chris motionless imagines #motionless in white #motionless in white imagine #chris motionless fanfiction #happys-crazy-queen22

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balsuerman · 3 years

Text

When you never leave your room and your parents think youre just depressed but actually youre in fucking agony because of your endo but no doctor can diagnose you because it doesnt fucking show on a goddamn scan! This is so fucked up and i cant use birth control bc of my mental health and docs dont do surgery and im stuck in this loop in agony. So you wait until you pass out so they will do a surgery or you have to risk committing suicide or do a stupid thing or get into a psychotic episode by using birth control. THIS IS SOO BEYOND FUCKED UP and im always on tears. I think i cried 15 times today. Also i cant get into a psychotic episode because i cant go to the hospital to get sedatives because there is this stupid Covid. Also I havent been eating for the past week because my stomach hurts so bad and now psychiatrist and my stupid parents will think i have an eating disorder. Its soooo great. Like i really want to know how people get diagnosed with endometriosis because I went to the doc like 28 times and did every goddamn scope or scan or blood test or tumor test there is. And ive been in pain since may 2019 and it keeps getting worse. At least i could go out before and now i cant really move and everyone thinks im depressed? This is outregous and I lost my school because I cant stand staring at the screen without getting a migraine. Plus birth control almost made me bald last year so !!! I changed my diet i dont eat dairy red meat gluten caffeine processed food sugar legumes like i dont eat a fucking thing and it was lowkey working and it stopped working bc endo came with a vangeance. Like by brain fog and anxiety was not enough now I have to deal with endo and i cant get treated for it bc of my mental health issues. I dont know what to do. Consider yourself lucky if you dont have to take birth control bc i dont get how someone can take that and be sane

#endometriosis

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kweebtrash · 4 years

Note

Hey, not necessarily a sex question. But as someone who loves reading fanfic and appreciates fanfic writers, I still can't bring myself to write it. How did you get into writing fanfic, and was it ever weird for you? Do you have any advice on how to feel less weird about it? Especially smut about real people? (To be fair I can't bring myself to write smut in general idk why)

I started writing naruto and yu yu hakusho fanfiction when i was ten and it was just a regular oc and the character i liked. It wasnt good at all but i thought it was the greatest. When i met my sister (non biological) in middle school we decided to come up with our own "anime story". We would write it in notebooks and pass it to each other during class and get in trouble for it. So i guess that was the first time ive written an "original" story. By the time i was 12 i knew what sex was (mostly) and i knew teenagers did it (my characters were teenagers) so i was like oh if they like each other then they should do it. But because i was 12 i was like THATS ICKY TO WRITE ABOUT (in detail) so i made them get in bed and then skipped ahead and wrote THE NEXT DAY 😂😂😂

Then when i got access to a laptop and internet thats when i round "real" fanfiction online and smut back when it was called "lemon/lime/citrus" whatever the fuck that means. I still remember my first one was about neji hyuga LMAO.

I started reading more fanfiction throughout my teenager years and kept writing for anime, wrote bandfiction, created a bunch of OCs to rp with my partner at the time and i think by the time i actually started having sex that i was like ok this isnt so weird to write about anymore. So when we would rp we would just text each other sex scenes and i guess it became normalized because we were doing it irl so writing about it was just like hey! We sorta know what were doing! Oh i also used to watch a lot of porn as a teen? Idk why. That stopped after like a year or so but i found out shit through that, like bdsm, squirting, how utterly gross blowjobs are, what a hitachi wand was, how much i hate spit, etc. So that actually helped me discover like my beginning kinks. Porn is still terrible tho.

I think the first time i wrote smut was with a wrestling fanfic? And i had been reading a bunch of fics that had smut and with my basic knowledge and slowly finding out what phrases i liked in order to describe things it flowed a little more naturally but it was still hard.

Then i think i didnt really write much until i wrote my pentagon story which i think is terrible but other people like it. I guess with my practicing, experience, and sex education it started becoming easier? You can tell in my pentagon story that i was still getting back into the swing of things bc my sex scenes are atrocious and ridiculous 😅

I never really liked reading series myself bc i didnt want just prose and build up. I wanted smut. I was like THATS WHAT I CAME HERE FOR. So i made it a point to write smut in every single chapter so that way people stayed interested. In doing so it also helped me practice and get better. Then i read A LOT of bad kpop fics and was like....why dont these people know that sex isnt like porn??

There is a lot of copying in kpop fics in the sense that a lot of them are written the same way and we get the usual; some u realistic giant dick, "ministrations, pussy, cunt", kitten every other word, thigh riding, everyone confusing abuse with bdsm, "daddy" popping up left and right without going in depth to what meaning that holds, random weird shit. And i realized WOW I REALLY HATE KPOP FANFICS lol. So when i started writing messy i was like OK FUCK THIS IM GONNA WRITE SEX LIKE HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO GO. Then i starting writing smut where the condom broke, they talked about birth control, having a mental breakdown during sex, sexual assault, accidentally wacking each other while moving around, giggling, talking, explaining what you want. This i think helped me a lot, especially with my mental trauma that was associated with sex. I wanted to make it fun and real while also possibly teaching my readers about sex and maybe influencing other fic writers to not just regurgitate what they read.

As far as advice, im not quite sure if i have any?? Maybe i do lol. Take it with a grain of salt maybe?

With writing i would suggest

Read fics you like and highlight key phrases or actions you think are sexually appealing

Practice writing shorter scenes, you can even do time stamps or drabbles, things like that-people love those on here

Look into things. Honestly i knew what a cock ring was but someone requested i USE it in a fic and i was like shit guess i gotta google how to use a cock ring and while awkwardly watching videos of guys putting these things on i learned about metal ones, cages, silicone, rubber, rings, how long you should keep it on for, etc. So RESEARCH! is key too

If youve never had sex before that also helps if you research. Porn can give you a little bit of knowledge in generic motions or toys to use but by no means is it great as far as realism and sometimes its just plain icky.

So porn can be a basis, research can be a middle layer, reading other fics and seeing what you like and dont like is on top, and writing ur own is like...idk frosting lol.

As far as being weird with real people; since i wrote bandfiction and wrestling fics i was used to writing about real people for a little under ten years or so. Also i have a really active mind at night and i have tons of sex dreams that fit into like a story based setting. Thats where all my ideas for prose, dialogue and smut come from. Not everyone ofc has a brain like that but writing down things here and there might work. Lets say you have a favorite idol moment-like some really slutty dance move during a performance, you could time stamp that for inspiration. Save a lot of gifs and pics of them looking *chefs kiss*, listen to some music (i like alina baraz, sabrina claudio, galant, alex tbh, and jooyong for softer, gentler scenes or if you wanna get freak nastie listen to some dumbass jae park, or pretty ricky, or any sex related song thats not pretty lmao. Like rude boy by rihanna or something with a hard beat).

I think its also good to try and picture yourself in a sexual situation. You dont have to look like you, you could make up however you want to look in the scenario, its fantasy after all. Also think "would i like this?" Like i wont write about some idol spitting in my mouth or slapping me or peeing on me or something because thats not stuff that im into and i would be forcing myself to appease someone else and the writing woukd end up sucking big time. This also doesnt help the lack of good fics bc people are just following the requests they get even if they dont like it. I would write about what i think id feel in the moment. Id probably be nervous or if im pretending i could be a cool badass, i would think about things that i find attractive like his (imma use his bc i do write mostly about boy idols) face in the shadows of the light, how nice or soft his lips look, they way hes conveying emotions and looking at me if we were in love or if we were angry, the hold he has on me, why would it be going slow? Is it sad makeup sex? Is it a first time together? Is it just comforting after a bad day? Why would they be rough? Are they angry? Had a fight? Had a slow burn relationship and its culminated into a big explosion? Did they hate each other but hide their true feelings?

So i would suggest not just thinking about sex but thinking about the moment and all the things that lead up to, happen during, and the aftermath of it.

And of course if you don't understand anything or need more info about sex you can always ask me!

I hope this help and sorry its long😅😅😅😅

#i love my readers!

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coridallasmultipass · 4 years

Text

Tmi / personal / endometriosis and menstrual issues / surgery / long post / venting ... I finally had a laparoscopic surgery done yesterday and they were able to confirm for me that i have endometriosis and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted! All my fucking life ive dealt with excruciating cramps and heavy bleeding during menstruation and i just wish i could go back in time and give a big 'fuck you' to everyone who ever told me "cramps are like this for everyone!" Or "just exercise, it helps!" Or "orgasms help with cramping!" Like hooooooh boy I knew it and im so glad to have all the cysts out of me now. I had previously tried numerous birth control options to prevent cramping and bleeding and got excruciating cramps with literally All of them and constant bleeding with the depo shot. (I had a very painful internal ultrasound done, to hopefully diagnose endo by that route, but it was inconclusive - variations in the thickness of the endometrium, which could be endo or it could just be normal...) Most recent birth control was an iud and i had to go to the er the same evening because my body couldnt stand to have it in there causing so much pain, i couldnt stop screaming and it sucked. The iud was a few weeks ago ((and the proceedure to insert it was the worst pain ive ever felt in my life, and the same sharp pain continued through the following days until i got it removed) and i havent been able to sit straight since, i have to keep sitting to one side in order to not feel like having an ice pick jammed in me. Its gotten better since the iud was removed, but i still get a sharp pain when i have to sit on something hard. My doctor recommended me to have a diagnostic laparoscopy with cystectomy ASAP because of the iud problems and all my failed birth control attempts. Everyone in my family freaked out and kept pushing me to not go through with it, but I knew i needed to know what was causing me so much pain, like tbh, as a trans man, id prefer just a straight up hysterectomy, but yknow either way this is a step in that direction anyway. I have an aunt who had to have the same proceedure twice because of complications, and kept telling me her horror story about how painful recovery was and i was like 'trust me its not going to be worse than an iud because i thought i was dying' and she blew me off like 'its going to be wAY worse' like uh no bc an iud was 666/10 on the pain scale for me, i genuinely thought i was dying or would have a heart attack with how bad the pain was; plus ive had surgeries before and was completely fine after... Anyway fuck what my family said i went through with it anyway and it wasnt that bad of a proceedure to wake up from! My first thought was 'oh no, did they hospitalize me? I feel like ive been asleep for weeks!!' But it was just the recovery room. Ive usually done pretty well with recovery, and this was no different. The worst part of the recovery room was the sensation of needing to cough from where they had inserted the breathing tube for anesthesia. (Today my throat is still a bit sore, and my voice hoarse, but warm mint tea has been helping a lot for that.) I was also feeling cramps similar to mild-moderate menstrual cramping, (no where near the sharp shooting pain of the iud, and no where near my normal, unmedicated cramping which has had me doubled over screaming in pain until the medicine kicks in in the past), and of course a bit of soreness from the incision sites and the general soreness of having gas trapped in my body. (They have to pump a bit of gas inside you so its easier to look around, and some of it stays trapped in you after.) Its a pain similar to what ive felt before just from my fibromyalgia in general, so i was very relieved for the most part. I also felt myself bleeding a bit while i was still in the recovery room. (Gross and tmi, but im still having a spot of blood only when i wipe today, so thats a relief after having been bleeding a majority of the days over the past few months trying different BC options.) Strangely, when i got home i didnt feel groggy or in need of a nap like i have for surgeries in the past. I was also warned of having nausea from the anesthesia, but i had none at all!! And i was warned by multiple sources that i wouldnt have an appetite, but boy i ate almost Everything in the kitchen yesterday im pretty sure ive gone through a whole box of protein bars since yesterday too. Multiple sources (including my family member who had the same proceedure) warned of a sudden bad mood drop immediately after the proceedure, And i dont wanna jinx it, but I have been in such a good fucking mood since i got home yesterday, but maybe thats just the painkillers talking, but still I was at a total low point, like, cant-get-any-lower low point in terms of mood, but i just... feel so good (besides the aching and incision site pain lmao) On to the pain now... The worst of it was waking up this morning after the surgery day. I had quite a bit of the trapped gas pain when i first lied down at night (and when i tried to lie on my side) but the feeling doubled when i tried to get up. Im very bloated still. While the bloating itself isnt very painful, it feels like the stretching of my stomach is pulling at the medical tape covering my incisions which is making them hurt. Im not getting the trapped-gas-roaming-my-body feeling As Often, but its obviously still trying to dissipate. I feel it most while trying to take a deep breath like a bubble pressing against my ribs, but easing a deep breath slowly in and out moves it around and makes it less uncomfortable. Light exercise, like slow walking, is supposed to help your body absorb/dissolve/release the trapped gas. So i did 5 minutes on, 5 off for 3 times on the slowest treadmill setting earlier and im going to try again tomorrow for the same. (I feel like it made my bloating worse, so i had to go back to resting after, but ive been getting up and down to get food for my insatiable appetite lmao) Now the actual tmi and gross stuff: It is really fucking hard to pee. Straight up i have to concentrate so hard. Normally i lean over on my arm to help push it all out at once, but i cant do that with the incisions over my belly lmao. Shitting is just as hard, but the Shit Gods have blessed me with the Antibiotic Runs this morning so im all set for today lmao. Im really bummed tho they put a bandage over where my belly piercing is supposed to go, so i couldnt put it back in after the surgery. The whole, not being able to bend over thing, is reminding me of what its like to have a fresh belly piercing, and im groaning bc im gonna have to go thru with it again to get it back.... and i feel like i jUSt got it done... (it was summer last year) ughhhhhh.... oh well, like at least this time it should go in straight i hope? Also, obligatory vent that... having a fucking uterus does not make me a woman i wish doctors and nurses would use gender neutral language... TLDR; had a laparoscopic surgery to diagnose endometriosis and remove the uterine cysts caused by it, having a great recovery so far!! Still waiting on follow up from the doctor for my next step, but im feeling a lot better than when i was suffering cramps from every birth control i tried to get Rid of cramps

#endometriosis #endo #chronic pain #fibromyalgia #menstruation #surgery #tmi #personal #vent #Cori.exe #Post.exe #long post

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aplpaca · 5 years

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can you tell me more about inda? im curious

so Inda is the main character of the Inda Quartet by Sherwood Smith. its kind of a historical fantasy series? its not set on earth and theres magic involved, but the story is more focused on politics and world events than the magic (tho the magic plays a part in that).

but yeah the series follows Inda, the second son of a prince, throughout his life starting with his childhood at the Royal Academy, where nobility learn strategy, fighting, etc. he does pretty well there, gets mixed up in some stuff, Stuff Happens, he ends up on a trade ship, and then a pirate ship, and then stuff interconnects with a larger war that had been brewing since he was a kid (these are over the course of a bunch of years). so thats like a vague gist

some stuff i like/that i found interesting about the series

Inda is autistic (its not outright stated in the book but its easily intuited imo also i emailed the author and she said it was intentional). and like ive never really seen that in a fantasy book series before (renarin and steris are great and i love them but theyre not main viewpoint characters Yet) so thats really nice. but yeah as a character his thoughts and emotional processing were super relatable. and even tho his Thing is that hes like super good at strategy and problem solving, it doesnt come off as a Wow Autistic Savant Lets Marvel At It type of thing bc the book actually goes into his thought processes and shows you how he gets to his ideas. also his friends are respectful and accepting of his differences and its great.

the series is has a really interesting emotional vibe to it that gives a really cool sense of the passage of time. i dont really know how to describe it more than that other than if it was music it would have a lot of violins

the characters are super complex and their dynamics are super interesting. and like even when they do stuff thats like What The Fuck My Dude its like not in a bad way bc characterization is well done so its like “of course thats what theyre gonna do. the bastard.” coughcoughFoxcough. they just feel very real in general

the culture is super open about sex and romance (theres a lot of talk about sex, but its not shown explicitly if thats a thing youre not a fan of). polyamory is super common and not looked down on and neither are different sexualities. There are major characters who are bi and gay, and also lots of minor characters who are also. Theres also at least one character whos grey-ace and Tdor reads as demi imo. Inda is polyamorous, as are most of the main characters. (also on the authors website theres a big thing about stuff that happens after the end of the series and theres a group of characters that end up in a man-his boyfriend-boyfriends wife/girlfriend-her other husband relationship)

theres a bunch of more mundane uses for magic. like theres a spell that can prevent someone from getting pregnant unless they drink a specific tea, so thats used as a birth control thing. theres a spell where people can make a baby, like automatically without waiting 9 months and regardless of the number of people doing the spell or their genders. like one character has a single mom who did the spell by herself, and whos grandparents are lesbians who did the spell to get his mom.

the societies are pretty interesting, like Inda’s country is loosely Mongolian inspired, with some weird Spartan-esque stuff thrown in. Most of the characters arent white, with the exception being the Venn (the country that the Marlovans, Inda’s people, are at war with), who are nordic-inspired (literally nordic is prob more accurate tho. theyre descended from vikings who somehow got into a magic space rift and ended up on the planet the series takes place on. but that was way before the series happens. i got that confirmed by the author via email also). also theres pirate societies and thats always great

but yeah. its a bit heavy with worldbuilding to start off with (lots of names) but its really super good and i wish more people knew about it.

can you see why it took me so long to answer this?

#asks #inda quartet #inda #yeah #Anonymous #long post

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oh-mother-of-darkness · 5 years

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answers (16)

Anonymous said: A lot of these secrets are really serious and sad so heres a lighter one: me and my sister are knitting christmas socks for the whole family as a surprise. Ive never knit a pattern before but im really good!!

Amazing!!

Anonymous said: idk if your still doing this but my secret is I fear im a terrible person who only acts nice to rick people into liking her and ik that actually does make me an okay but i still feel im doing it for the wrong reasons and someones going to get too close and find out the truth and hate me

That’s very self aware of you, I think-- probably too self aware. You’re absolutely right to say it’s the trying that matters, but I’m not gonna blame you for worrying about it. I have similar concerns about myself sometimes. I’m aware that for me personally they’re partially justified. Some of my kindness is self motivated.

I think though (and it seems like you already know this) it’s the effect of the kindness that matters. Maybe it’s better for me if I have “pure” intentions, but if I don’t, I should still do the kind things anyway, right? Because at the end there’s still going to be good. And there’s nothing bad about actively trying to be good, which is all we’re doing.

Anonymous said: my secret is that ive been chasing after a dream my whole life but im not sure ill ever achieve it. times running out and i dont know what to do if i cant. i feel like my whole life has been put on standby and i dont know the way out. i know ill be okay in the end but i dont know what the end will be and that scares me.

Shit that’s relatable. You really will be okay, but it’s terrifying in the meantime, isn’t it? To have those turning points bearing down on you?

Things will happen. You can’t stop that. Time is gonna continue, but you’ll still be there at the end. Your head’s already in the right place.

Anonymous said: My secret is that I really, really like one of my friends, but he has a girlfriend and slept with one of my best friends when they were both super drunk. I want the feelings to stop and go back to being just friends, because I honestly think I don't have a chance, but there is a small part of me that doesn't want to let go. I don't know what to do.

Well that’s a bitch of a situation, isn’t it? Romantic feelings aren’t really my area, but I understand holding on to things you consciously want to let go. Emotions always feel like part of me, you know? I don’t want to tear them away. Sometimes it’s better to do it, though. I don’t know from a few sentences if that’s the case here, but I hope you find the way that’s the best for you

Anonymous said: My secret is I used to be suicidal, in my pre/early teens. I had realised I was lesbian in a small, largely Catholic town and hated myself for it. I was awful at social situations and couldn’t make friends. I hated myself for having baby fat because I danced part time. Then as I got older I slowly got more confident until one day a friend died I realised that holy shit I used to be suicidal and I could have killed myself. I’m terrified that I might get like that again and actually do it

Honestly, and I know this is gonna sound cliche, but I’m always in awe of folks like you. I don’t handle my own mental health issues super well most of the time, and to hear about someone growing? Changing? Getting better? Amazing

Anonymous said: If you're still taking these... my secret is that I don't want to give birth to children ever, and would consider adopting instead (when I'm older), but if I were to voice that to any family member or even an acquitance, they would shun me for it and make sure they try to talk me out of it. I really hate how conservative people put so many expectations on my shoulders

Heyyyyyy same. I’m not planning on birthing any kids, but my parents have come down pretty heavily on the single-women-should-not-adopt-children thing, which is.... bullshit. I’m gonna adopt some kids one day, whether they like it or not.

You know your own mind and your own plans. Other people don’t have to be happy about them, even (maybe especially) family members.

Anonymous said: My secret is that I’m a bad friend. I don’t make time for the few friends I have and spend most my time working or being in my room. They deserve better than me.

I don’t think you’re a bad friend. Not being around isn’t bad-friend behavior. You’re not hurting anyone. You’re not doing anything wrong. And I certainly don’t think that it justifies the idea that they should leave you. Relationships are always kinda a difficult balancing act, but you don’t have to be perfect at balancing it, you know?

Anonymous said: My secret is that I'm extremely self-sufficient, I've always had to be. But because there's no one else taking care of me it's so hard to invest my time in others because I'll neglect my own mental state. It make sit hard to develop stable relationships. Every once in a while I re-realize that I'm no one's priority so I have to be my own. And it just sucks.

Shit anon that’s really really rough. It makes me sad with you. I’m not going to tell you you’re wrong, because I don’t know, do I? But I hope you are.

Anonymous said: My secret is I imagine myself as OCs I create for certain fandoms like Young Justice or Castlevania, and I spend all my time daydreaming of how I would act in episodes and how I would interact with the characters. I think it’s because I’m not satisfied with my life, and I’m also afraid that this makes me either weird or crazy.

Oh biggest mood

I do that too. I’m not in a position to say whether that’s a good or bad thing, but I like to think it just makes us creative. For me, it eventually found an outlet in writing, and that’s been a big source of joy in my life. I had some unpleasant experiences sharing that stuff with people in the past, but for me? I don’t worry about it anymore. I know a lot of people that do similar stuff.

Write some fanfiction, maybe :) You might be real good at it

Anonymous said: My secret is I’m secretly attracted to people who are better than me at stuff

That’s not really my area, but seems to me that’s a pretty good thing to be attracted to. One of the sweetest things I hear around school is people talking about how their partners are going to be such good lawyers. It’s cute.

Anonymous said: My secret is that my anxiety is crushing me. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Oh, anon. I just.... feel you. I’ve been really struggling lately with the idea that other people move through life without that handicap, and it amazes and angers me. Why don’t I get that? Why am I like this? It isn’t fair.

And it isn’t. It just isn’t. You didn’t ask to death match your brain every second of the day. You’re not any worse than everyone else, so why do you have to suffer? I don’t know. I really don’t.

The only happy thing I can say to you is people do heal. It’s bullshit that it takes so much time and effort, but it is possible. I’m better off now than I was five years ago, even if it did take five years and a whole lot of therapy, medication, and energy. You shouldn’t have to fight like this, but you can, and you can win.

Anonymous said: My secret is Im so bitter most of the time that I cant be happy for others. Me and my best friend are both singers but I can never be happy for her when she gets compliments or any success bc im jealous and im scared I'll never learn to be selfless and happy for other people

You’re only human. You have human emotions. You have every right to feel them. The only thing that matters is your choices, because that’s the only thing you can control.

I’m so sorry you’re scared. That’s another emotion you have every right to feel

Anonymous said: My secret is that sometimes I hated myself for not express what I felt because I thought they'll hate me or make distance of me but I'm learning to express my feelings to others and try to be more confidence :) I hope you'll be brave too and do whatever you want to do 💜

I wanna be anon when I grow up

Anonymous said: My secret is that my hands hurt all the time but in different ways, and I’m scared to get help because I’m scared they’ll tell me I’m making it up or being dramatic.

Man do I hate the shit people put you through to get medical help. Everybody’s entitled to ask, aren’t they? So why are we all making that difficult? Why are we making people feel bad about their own pain?

I understand your fear, but I hope you start asking questions anyway. Other people’s opinions about it aren’t your fault

Anonymous said: My secret is that my dermatillomania has gotten way worse since I got to college, so I’m having to wear headscarves again to keep myself from picking my scalp. I smuggled my scarf collection out of my room without telling my parents.

I’m sorry, anon. That’s difficult. That sucks. That’s bullshit.

Anonymous said: my secret is that when one of my family members says something homophobic I'll laugh and agree because I'm afraid that they'll disown me if there's any shred of proof that I'm LGBT and it makes me feel like such filth

That’s not your fault. It’s theirs for making you feel unsafe, because your safety really should be your first priority! That’s okay! You’re not being a bad person by doing it. You’re just protecting someone. You’re allowed to make that someone you

#some pretty heavy subjects here so #suicide #suicidal thoughts #anxiety #depression #mental illness #homophobia #if there's anything else let me know #asks #secrets

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nottodaylogic · 5 years

Text

light.

Summary: EVEN MORE OF THE GAY LOGINCE! With a special question bECAUSE @shootingace / @ohbytheangel and I have NO. SELF. CONTROL. WHATSOEVER. Based on a post by @today-only-happens-once and dedicated, once more, to @sanders-sides-thuri :)

Pairing: Logince

A/N: Takes place after sun., part 3/3 of the Logince Fluff series, written, again, with @shootingace :) this is the last part, super fun (and frustrating since I’ve never been to Olive Garden) to write!

@hghrules @becca-becky @tinysidestrashcaptain

Hope y’all like it! :D

The tile in one pocket and the box in the other seemed to almost, nonsensically, burn as Logan walked. They’d talked over this topic before, multiple times, so there was no logical reason to be nervous.

And yet.

“Date night?” he asked his boyfriend, kissing him on the cheek. Roman startled, accidentally mutilating the word he was typing. He just looked at it, betrayed. “I’ve prepared some activities,” Logan murmured.

Roman looked very excited. “Ooh, activities! I like activities!”

“I like you.”

Roman flushed, deep and red. “Aren’t you sappy today. What’s the occasion?”

“No occasion. I was simply stating a fact.” He hummed, extending his arm. “I have made reservations. Shall we leave?”

“Hold on, just let me finish this sentence.”

This meant “let me finish this scene because I have no self control and must write a lot even though there are other priorities.”

“Of course.” Logan dropped a kiss to Roman’s head and walked away swiftly to get his coat.

Ten minutes later, as he expected, Roman staggered in, haphazardly yanking his jacket on. Logan looked at his watch.

“Precisely on time.” He opened the door. “Come. Our destination awaits.”

“Where are we going?” Roman asked mischievously.

“You shall see.”

“Tell me? Pleeeeeease?”

Logan smirked, leaning in and pressing a short kiss to Roman’s lips. “Will that satisfy you for the time being?”

“Mmmm, I don’t think so.” Roman tugged Logan closer, kissing him deeply. He set his hand on the small of Logan’s back, like he was about to dip him, making Logan go breathless.

“Now will you tell?” Roman asked, pulling back.

“It’s a surprise,” Logan breathed, though he wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep it a surprise if Roman insisted on making him fall even more in love.

Roman leaned in and whispered, “rude.” He then dropped him.

Logan scrambled to his feet, thankful for his 18 Dexterity. “Hey. We don’t have to go on the date if you don’t want to.”

“No, I want to! It’s incredibly romantic, my dear. Surprises are exciting yet it’s so hard to wait!”

“As Virgil would say, ‘because you are an impatient baby’.” Logan guestuted forward, towards the car. “After you.”

—

Logan pulled into the parking lot. There weren’t many decent spots, but he managed to grab one.

Roman turned to him excitedly, seeing their destination. “Ooh, Olive Garden?”

“I come prepared to woo the server into giving us extra breadsticks to take home.”

“You’re the best.”

Logan blushed softly. “Thank you. Now, our reservation awaits us.”

They entered the restaurant and were seated right away, thanks to Logan planning ahead and making a reservation.

“Your server will be right with you,” the host said, showing them to their table.

Roman pulled out Logan’s chair dramatically. “Monsieur, your chair?”

Logan rolled his eyes. He sat down, pushing out Roman’s chair with his foot. “There. Now we are even.”

“You’re a nerd,” Roman said fondly.

Logan inhaled, ready to refute this claim, but instead said only: “I know.”

“Wow. And you say I have an ego.”

“It is true, why are you pointing that out?” Logan was confused and a bit flustered by how sweet Roman was being.

Roman snorted. “You’re adorable.”

“No, I am very serious. I am not adorable. Patton is the adorable one.”

“That’s true, but it doesn’t mean you’re not adorable.”

That’s when a server came up to their table, preventing Logan from protesting more. “Hey, I’m Remy, can I get you anything to get started?” He set a menu in front of the couple.

“Breadsticks,” Roman said, at the same time Logan said, “water, please.”

“Of course. Some waters and a basket of breadsticks?”

They nodded and Remy left. The two chatted about movies that they hoped to watch, the drama that Logan heard from his students, how Roman’s characters were behaving.

“I try to get them to do something! And usually, they’re pretty good with cooperating. Just, these past few days, they just… won’t.”

“Can’t you simply… make them do it?”

Roman made distressed noises. “But I can’t! It feels weird then, and out of character! Okay, okay, enough about my distress. Spill the tea that you hear from your students.”

“Alright.” Logan adjusted his glasses. “You will not believe what Lizzie told me Justin K. did…”

Roman clapped excitedly. “Ooh, that idiot Justin! What did he do this time?”

“Well…”

Logan told him, Roman’s grin growing, becoming more and more mischievous.

“So let me get this gay. He told this teacher, who was literally eight months pregnant, that he didn’t think women needed a maternity leave?”

“Mhm.”

“Has he ever been pregnant? Or given birth?”

Logan laughed. He loved Roman so, so, much. “Not that I know of.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. I know that teachers aren’t supposed to have favorites, but Justin is definitely on my ‘not a favorite’ list. Not that I have any such thing.”

“You know, I think we’re supposed to be deciding what to order right now,” Roman mentioned.

“As if you don’t get the same exact thing every time we come here.”

“You got me there.”

“That’s a meme.”

“You got me there.”

Logan stifled a laugh. “I love you.”

Roman smiled. “Love you too.”

That’s when Remy came back to take their orders. Roman ordered spaghetti and tomato soup. Logan ordered lasagna and a Greek salad. A chat and two baskets of breadsticks later, their dinner had arrived.

Logan ate his lasagna and laughed at Roman’s jokes, but the weight in his pocket—why did he bring the ring, it might get lost, he didn’t need it, this is illogical—was very present in his mind.

And worse was the nagging thought that Roman might say no. Of course, they had talked about marriage, but you could never be completely sure of an outcome.

“Something on your mind?” Roman asked, his foot brushing Logan’s.

Logan smiled. “You.”

Roman laughed. “You’re so sweet. It’s great.”

And with those words, that laugh, Logan felt himself drawn back into the moment, the fears of a future yes or no gone for the time being.

—

When they returned back home, Logan brought out the scrabble board.

Roman raised an eyebrow. “Not even gonna ask me if I wanna play this?”

“You’ve been bringing up how you want to play Scrabble for ten days now.”

“True.”

They set it up, Logan allowed his boyfriend to pick the starting word (LADDER) (“what? It’s the only thing I can do!”), and the game began.

“Your turn,” Roman said, gesturing to the board.

Logan set down the letters R, O, M, A, and N.

“Hey, no! That doesn’t count, it’s a proper noun!”

“I’ve let you get away with many proper nouns over the years. Cut me some slack.” Logan sat back, gesturing to the board. “You go.”

Roman put down O, P, and E to write NOPE.

Logan tried not to take this as a bad omen.

He then added L, O, V to the E in NOPE, making it LOVE.

“Awww, you sap,” Roman teased, swooning. “That’s so sweet.”

They continued playing, Logan adding FOREVER and DEDICATION to Roman’s words (OCEAN and DISBELIEF)

“Is something amiss?” Roman felt his forehead, looking overly concerned for the comedic effect. “You seem to be exceedingly sentimental today.”

Logan brushed this off with a, “It was simply what I could make with my letters and the board.”

Roman eyed him curiously, but dropped the topic. “Your turn.”

Logan wordlessly set down his piece, putting it right next to ROMAN, so that it read ROMAN, will you marry me?

Roman started to protest about how “that’s not in the rules of the game, Logan!”, but then he stopped, obviously having read the piece.

His eyes snapped up, meeting Logan’s.

“You… you… Logan.” It seemed he couldn’t say anything more.

Logan slid out his chair, dropping to one knee, holding the box with the ring in front of him. “Marry me, Roman Princeton?”

“Lo… Logan, oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.” And then he was out of his chair, too, stumbling towards Logan. He leaned down, taking Logan’s face in his hands, kissing him softly. “Yes, yes, of course, yes.”

Logan let Roman pull him to his feet, his arms around Roman’s waist, holding him tight. “Roman. I love you. I love every moment we’ve spent together. I treasure every memory I share with you. And I’d like to make more memories with you. For the rest of forever.”

Roman nodded, pressing his his forehead to Logan’s shoulder. “Yes,” he choked out.

“Hey, Ro, don’t cry,” Logan whispered, rubbing Roman’s crisp, clean shirt between his fingers. “Don’t cry.”

But he would be lying if he said that he wasn’t crying a little too.

Because finally, finally, he would be marrying the love of his life.

Because… because he just loved Roman so much, loved him so much that sometimes he didn’t know what to do with all the feelings.

Because Roman was going to be his, his, forever and ever and ever.

“I love you so damn much, Roman.”

“I love you too.” Roman pulled back slightly, holding his hand out. “You going to… you going to actually put that ring on me?”

Logan laughed softly and slid the ring onto Roman’s finger, then pull Roman’s hand to his mouth, kissing the back of it. “I love you. I love you so much, Ro.”

“I know.”

Logan laughed, pulling Roman close and kissing him. “You're wonderful, Princey.”

“Mmm, I know.” Logan stared at Roman, deadpan. “Just kidding, you are too.” Roman nudged Logan’s chin with his nose then kissed his cheek. “Love you. So freaking much.”

“Dance with me?” Logan asked, the words spilling out of his mouth before he could really process what he was asking.

“Where’s the music?”

Logan tilted his head. “Sing?”

Roman snorted. “Well, we need some sort of background music, Lo. I can’t sing if I’m gonna kiss you, and I’d very much like to kiss you.”

Logan blushed, his breath catching in his chest.

“C’mon, babe,” Roman said. “Music.”

So Logan grabbed his phone, pulling up the “romantic songs for my nerd” playlist Roman had made for him.

On came As Long As You’re Mine from Wicked, and Logan pulled Roman close.

They danced and twirled and laughed together, Logan falling more and more in love. Roman was so beautiful, so loving, and Logan got to spend the rest of his live with him.

“I love you, Roman.”

“Yeah?” Roman whispered.

“Yeah.”

“Prove it.”

So Logan twirled Roman, then pulled him back, dipping him and kissing him softly.

Roman let out a soft gasp. “I love you so much,” he murmured, tangling his fingers in Logan’s hair.

“Love you too.”

—

Later, they lay on the bed together, staring at the ceiling, tired, content.

Roman curled up on Logan’s chest, so beautifully exhausted. “How long were you planning to propose?”

Logan thought for a moment. “A little while.”

“How long did you know you wanted to marry me?”

Running his hands through his fiancé’s hair, he responded, “Forever, probably. I just—I never imagined my future without you. And then a few weeks ago I realized that why not get married?”

Roman seemed to think this through for a moment when he asked, “Why me?”

The question took Logan by surprise. “Why you what?”

Roman looked directly into Logan’s eyes. The expression there was raw, unable to be described. “Why did you want to marry me?”

Because you’re the only person I’d ever want to marry. Because you’re the only person I’d ever want. Because you’re stellar. Because you’re funny and sweet and dramatic and unique and loving and thoughtful and romantic. Because despite loving you, I can’t find the vocabulary to express all of this. “Because I love you.”

“Aww, Lo.” Roman reached up, kissing Logan softly. “Now we get to plan a wedding.”

“But first we should go to bed.”

Roman’s eyebrows raised as he smirked, and Logan only slightly regretted his phrasing. “As you wish.”

Logan blushed, but nobody could prove it, so what did it matter?

—

Logan woke first in the morning, a stream of light illuminating the room. He glanced down at Roman, snoring, the ring on his finger shining.

And Logan knew that they would get to spend the rest of their lives like this.

#sanders sides #logan sanders #roman sanders #logince #romantic logince #Logince fluff series #ajdkdkfhjs I love them aaahh #sabine writes #Sabine Creates #writing with friends

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