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itgetsdark-x · 1 year

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I Wanna See You Beggin’

Summary: Joel Miller is your dad’s best friend, you knew it was wrong, you knew it would only cause trouble but you couldn’t help the way you ached for the man. (Title is from I Hate Myself for Loving You — Joan Jett & The Blackhearts) 6.9k words. I’m sorry.

Characters: dbf!Joel Miller x f!Reader

Warnings: 18+ only, no minors as it’s just a big ol’ load of smut… praise kink (use of ‘good girl’ a lot), p in v sex, unprotected (be sensible and wrap before u tap, pls), age gap (reader is mid twenties, Joel would be in his late 40s), use of the word ‘daddy’, oral (f receiving), no outbreak in this au.

A/N: hi guys, I haven’t written smut for years and Joel Miller has me frothing at the mouth and giggling like a little girl with a crush especially dbf!joel… Anyway, if this is enjoyed by people, I have an idea of how I could make this into a series. Please leave me nice comments or catch me crying in a corner somewhere lol

“Dad,” you huffed into the receiver as you held your phone to your ear with your shoulder. “I love you and all but I could think of better ways to spend my Friday night rather than listening to you and Joel argue over which 80’s band is the best.” You chuckled fondly as you carried on typing away at the laptop in front of you whilst you spoke into your phone.

“Sweetheart, I love spending time with you and Joel, you love him as well! I’ll pay for dinner?” He spoke softly and you smiled as your could hear your dad’s smile down the phone.

“Fine, what time do you want me round, old man?” You teased fondly. “I finish work at 5 today.”

“6:30pm work okay for you? Don’t forget to bring some beer.” Your dad asked with a smirk.

You rolled your eyes before responding to him, “Fine, I’ll bring the beers but as soon as you and the other old man start arguing, I’m out!” You laughed.

“Deal,” your dad agreed. “I’ll see you later my sweet pea, love you!” He hummed and hung up before you could respond.

“Old men and technology.” You muttered to yourself before taking your phone and opening your messaging app.

You quickly tapped on the screen and chewed on your lip as you did so.

‘You need a lift to dad’s later? x’ you hit send and placed your phone down on your desk, returning your attention back to your work laptop. You were in the midst of replying to an email when your phone buzzed on your desk beside you.

‘Sure thing, peach. See you around 6? :) Xx’

You couldn’t help the way your lips upturned into a smile, and as soon as you caught the reaction you chewed on your bottom lip. You hated the way the older male had such a visceral effect on you, you had known Joel Miller for around ten years now. You moved to the city and your father worked with him, the two of them soon became best buddies which in turn, meant he spent a lot of time around you and your house. When you first met Joel you were a mere sixteen-year old kid, from day one you felt an instant attraction to him, you knew it was wrong but you couldn’t deny it. In the beginning it felt like a harmless, childish crush, one that you were bound to grow out of but things only seemed to get worse the older you got, that attraction burned deep in your veins and any time you spent time with the older man you couldn’t help the way your cheeks burned and your pussy throbbed; there had been many nights where you had dropped him home after visiting your dad and rushed home just so you could relieve your tension. Your fingers buried deep in yourself, moaning Joel’s name as you came around them.

You felt shameful, dirty and down-right embarrassed about those moments but it didn’t stop you from doing it again, and again.. and again. You knew Joel would never cross that line, never, he was too much of a gentleman and had way too much respect for your old man but that didn’t stop the feelings you had for him.

Your mind was reeling, so much so you barely noticed the way your thighs pressed themselves together searching for some relief to your aching core, you stood from your desk in your room and stretched before you looked at the time on your desktop, it read 4pm. You sighed and went to your kitchen to grab a snack and make yourself a strong coffee, you had an hour left of work before you had to shower and get ready before picking Joel up.

The last hour of your work felt excruciatingly slow, your mind was busy with thoughts of your evening ahead of you; it was no different to your usual Friday get-together with your dad and his friend but today you couldn’t erase the filthy thoughts of Joel from your mind. You quickly showered, hoping the hot water would wash your mind and body clean, you ignored the burning to urge to relieve some tension and give your body the orgasm and relief it so badly needed.

After showering you, you applied a light layer of make-up, like usual before pulling your hair up in a half-up and half-down style. You looked into your wardrobe and reached for a plain black tank top, orange plaid over shirt and black tennis skirt; you paired the outfit with your favourite pair of black converse. You put your accessories on; earrings, rings and gave your body a spritz of your favourite perfume. After grabbing the 12-pack of beer from the fridge, you quickly grabbed your phone and keys off the counter and left your apartment to go and pick up Joel.

You were running a tad late but that wasn’t out of the ordinary, and Joel was always expecting it. You pulled up outside his home, gave a beep of your horn and took a shaky breath in as you saw him lock up and approach your car. Your hands gripped the steering wheel a little tighter as he climbed into your car and suddenly your senses were attacked with the older male. The small space filled with his heady scent, his aftershave musky, spicy and just Joel. He was wearing dark grey jeans, not too tight but tight enough to appreciate his thick thighs and your eyes couldn’t help but notice his bulge as he walked. Joel was wearing a dark khaki over shirt and a black T-shirt under that went perfectly with his jeans, and of course, he was wearing his trusty dealer boots.

“Hey peach,” he spoke and leant over to press a kiss to the side of your head. It was something he had done for years, only now, you craved to feel his lips elsewhere.

“Hey old man.” You grinned and started your car once more.

The journey to your father’s house was short, only about twenty minutes; it was annoying that he didn’t live in the same neighbourhood as it always meant you or, on occasion, Joel had to drive. It was a comfortable journey as the two of you spoke about your respective day’s and week’s.

“So you’re not hanging out with that guy again tonight, oh, what was his name!?” Joel questioned, searching his brain for the name. “Derek? No, no, he definitely seemed like a George!” He laughed, his hands resting comfortably on his thigh, you couldn’t help the way your eyes glanced down at his large digits.

“His name was Ben, and you know that, Joel. You’re just being a dick.” You shook your head quickly with a laugh. “And nope, dad had other ideas for me… clearly babysitting duties. I would much prefer to be out with Ben but here we are…” You said softly with a roll of your eyes, it was a lie, of course. You would happily spend every waking moment with Joel, if he let you, exploring his body, sharing your thoughts with one another.

His hand tensed on his thigh, it was brief and barely noticeable but you did notice it; that was… weird? You shook off the feeling and parked up outside your dad’s apartment block.

“Anyway, I love babysitting you old men. It’s cute. Great practice for when I actually want kids.” You laughed, turning off the ignition and climbing out of your car. “And, I’ve warned dad, slightest hint of bickering between you two and I am out. Gone. Done. You can walk home.” As you spoke, you bent over to reach into the back seat of your car to grab the beers, one leg slightly lifted as your body struggled slightly to pull them closer; you hadn’t given the motion much thought, especially in your outfit.

Joel moved until he was stood behind you, he cleared his throat and looked away sheepishly after catching a glimpse of your black, lace panties. His hand rubbed at the back of his neck awkwardly. “Uh hon, you might want me to grab those? Gonna give someone a heart attack if they see you like that.” His voice was soft as he spoke, still not making eye contact with you.

“Shit. Sorry, Joel.” You cursed, your cheeks flushed red as you watched the dark haired man grab the beers and you smoothed out your skirt.

The rest of the evening played out like usual; your dad and Joel had a few beers each, you allowed yourself to have one as you were driving and you all ate way too much Chinese take-out. It was getting late, you were laid out on your dad’s couch, your legs swung over your dad’s lap, Joel was sat in the lazy-boy across the room, his legs sprawled wide. This was always part of the routine, you would all catch up on your week’s complain about work, talk about sport’s games that had happened or were about to occur, it was familiar and safe.

“So get this, bud,” Joel spoke, his voice breaking the noise of whatever Depeche Mode record they had put on the player. “Y/N over here was saying she would have preferred to have hung out with that douche, Ben, we met last month. Can you believe that?” He looked over at you, smirking as he took a swig of his beer.

“Dick,” you mouthed over to him and let your head hang back onto the arm of the sofa.

Your dad opened his eyes and looked over at you. “Is that right, sweet pea? You don’t wanna hang out with your favourite ‘old men’?! I’m truly offended.” He laughed, closing his eyes again, feigning hurt.

“Joel is just bitter I have a better love life and sex life than him.” You shot back, immaturely sticking your tongue out at the other male.

“Gross! Dad in the room!” Your dad grimaced, watching his hands in front of his face. “You’re my little girl, I don’t wanna hear about you having sex.”

“Hey — that’s not even true, I have sex… plenty of it…” Joel huffed, trying to sound convincing as he lied through his teeth. In truth, Joel never really had an interest in the women he had met, sure he took a few women home from bar to sleep with them but after he lost his wife and child, Sarah, he never really had it in him to give dating a proper go.

“Sureeee you do,” you giggled, causing your dad to let out a loud laugh.

You all laid about a bit longer, listening to music and joking around before you sat up and stretched your back out, causing your tank top to rise, showing a small sliver of soft skin to show. There it was again, Joel’s hand tensed in place and it was almost as if his jaw clenched down. You were sure you were imagining these things, like usual so you pushed yourself off the sofa and smoothed your clothes out.

“Right, pop’s I better get old man Miller home before I pass out here. I’m shattered.” You yawned, reinforcing your previous sentence.

After saying your goodbyes you walked back to your parked car, the cool chill of the late-night air made your skin prick up with goosebumps and sent a small shiver down your spine.

Joel and you walked in silence, the silence remained as you started your car and cranked the heating up.

“Dick move, bringing up Ben to my dad by the way, Miller. Real dick move.” You spoke, your voice seeming loud in the confined and silent space, just the low thrum of your car’s air vents trying to clear the windows and fill the air with warmth.

“Ha, sorry, Peach. Couldn’t resist it. Was right there for me to tease you with.” He laughed lowly, bringing his hands up to blow some warmth into them. There it was again, that nickname, every time it rolled off his tongue it sent warmth straight to your core.

“My dad doesn’t need to know what I would rather be doing on a Friday night, or rather who I would rather be doing.” You huffed.

“I wouldn’t go around proclaiming that sorta thing, especially round your pops. I’m sure he wouldn’t wanna hear how corrupt his good girl truly is.” Joel hummed, his finger tapping on his thigh as you began driving.

‘Good girl’, it rolled off his tongue so effortlessly yet it sent sparks straight to your core, as you drove you shift in your seat and pressed your thighs together.

“I — I uh, I’m an adult, Joel. I’m a fully grown woman, incase you haven’t noticed. I have needs and wants.” You argued, trying to remain confident in your words.

“Needs… and wants, huh?” He laughed, raising an eyebrow at you. “Is that why I see you practically drooling every time you see me? Now would you say that’s a need or a want?” Joel asked, his voice low and sultry.

Your mouth dried up instantly, voice getting stuck in your throat as you tried to protest. “I — I do not.” You protested, your voice coming out as a mere squeak.

“Oh peach, I see the way you press your thighs together. So needy for me? Hmm.” He hummed, his hand reaching over to touch your bare thigh. “I’ve seen the way you shift in your seat when I spread my legs in the arm chair or when you catch a short glimpse of my bulge. I’ve seen it all, no need to hide it.” His fingers were barely touching you, ghost-like touches on your skin. It was a risky move, he knew that and he knew you could quite easily pull the car over, kick him out and tell your dad what he had done. It could ruin his only true, pure friendship if your dad found out. But Joel was also sure he had calculated this properly, he had seen you for the past couple years and your minuscule reactions only seemed to ramp up the older you had been getting.

Your breath hitched harshly in your throat as you tried to concentrate on the road ahead of you but your mind was swimming with Joel once again, his fingers lightly traced patterns on your inner thigh and all you could do was whimper pathetically under his touch.

“J-joel,” you whined. “Please don’t tease me, I’ll crash the fuckin’ car if you play like that.”

“Oh little girl, I’ve barely placed a hand on you and you’re already whimpering for me? Quite cute really.” He said, his voice seeming deeper than usual; he splayed his hand across the skin of your inner thigh and gripped it tightly.

You forced your eyes open as you continued to drive, you weren’t sure if you were doing the speed limits or what, all you could think about was the large hand that was so close, yet not nearly close enough to where you needed it the most. You could feel how wet you were already, you had been a mess all evening but now you could physically feel your arousal collecting in your lace panties.

“You reckon your ol’ man knows how needy you are for me? Your dad’s best friend. Oh peach, what a mess.” He continued, he had moved closer to you now, reaching over the centre console of your car, his breath fanning out over your neck.

“J-Joel, I’m serious. I’ll crash if you carry on like that. Not funny.” You whined, trying to press your legs together again but feeling resistance in the form of Joel’s hand.

“Tsk tsk tsk,” Joel tutted. “What are you trying to do there, darlin’?” He laughed, letting his pinky drift closer to your clothed cunt just barely brushing the fabric.

You whined again, just a small noise from the back of your throat and pulled the car over, from what you could tell you were a few streets away from Joel’s house; the suburban area was dimly lit with few lights and no people walking around, especially not this late anyway. You pushed your car into park, turned off the lights and engine and looked at the older male for a moment, your lips wet and cheeks flushed.

“Joel…” you started. “Y-you don’t have to do this, I know I’m not your type and I’m sure you’re just trying to play a bit of a joke on me. We should get you home and forget about all of this…” Your breath was shaky, you hoped to every god out there that Joel would continue but you wanted him to know he didn’t have to humour your silly feelings.

“You don’t think I want this?” Joel asked, his face close to yours, hand still pressed teasingly to your thigh. “I’ve noticed recently, the way you react to me and tonight, w-when you were bent over. Took everything in me to not pull those little panties aside and bury myself deep in that little cunt right there in the middle of the street.” His voice sounded near animalistic as he finished that sentence and your cheeks burned a deep, cherry red as he finished speaking.

“I didn’t mean to do that, didn’t really think.” You mumbled, looking past him to stare out the window.

“Shh,” Joel hummed, he leant forward and placed a kiss to your lips with his hand still stroking soft patterns into your inner thigh.

You sighed contentedly into the kiss, finally experiencing what you had craved for years, your hand snaked up to hold Joel’s face as you deepened the kiss; hungry to taste more of the man. Joel tasted like smoke faintly, salty from the foods you had eaten and there was the distinct taste of hops from the beer he had drank. Your fingers intertwined into his greying hair and you gave it a testing tug; Joel groaned and allowed his tongue to swipe across your bottom lip. Eagerly, you opened your mouth and urged the kiss to be deepened, taking as much of him in as you could in that moment.

Joel saw this as his opportunity to advance his hand, he slipped his fingers under the hem of your skirt and let them stroke across the damp fabric of your panties. You whimpered into the kiss, your hips bucked forward searching for further contact. He couldn’t help but smile at how undone you were already. Joel teased his fingers across the waistband of the lace fabric of your panties, teasingly slow, just as you were about to pull away from the kiss and protest he allowed two fingers to slip into your wet folds and agonisingly slowly circle your swollen clit.

“Fuck,” he growled lowly. “So fuckin’ wet for me already, darlin’?”

You nodded, gripping at Joel’s forearm as he started to rhythmically circle and play with your clit. He was right, you were near sopping as he slipped through your folds.

“Wanted this for s-so long,” you whimpered. You couldn’t quite believe this was real, you were almost convinced you would wake up any moment, sprawled out on your bed with your fingers deep inside of yourself and not actually in your car, with Joel Miller’s fingers close to making you cum already.

“Yeah?” Joel asked, his fingers speeding up. “Wanted to feel my fingers on your wet pussy, making you feel good? Huh? How does it feel to have my fingers finally in you?” Joel spoke, his voice a low huff as his fingers worked quickly.

“So. Good.” You moaned, the noise low and breathy. “Feels so good. I’m going to cum. Please.”

Joel groaned, he still couldn’t believe this was happening to him. Since you started maturing over the past couple of years he had thought so many times about how much he would love to corrupt you; to have his fingers, mouth and cock making you fall apart at the seams. Just anything to make you feel good.

“That’s it, atta girl. Cum for me, good girl.” Joel whispered, his lips ghosting over your ear as he sunk a digit into you abruptly and let his palm bump up against your clit.

That was it, the white hot, searing heat in your stomach erupted and your eyes screwed themself shut so tight you saw white patterns dancing behind your eyelids. Your teeth sunk into your bottom lip so hard the familiar metallic tang flooded your mouth, anything to stop you from alerting the neighbourhood with your screams. If that You that wasn’t just the best orgasm of your life, you would have been slightly embarrassed at quickly he had made you cum.

Joel barely moved his finger in you, just circled it slightly but his palm nudged your clit as he worked your through your orgasm and it made you whimper loudly, your body flinching with over sensitivity. He took the hint and removed his hand from your wrecked panties and brought it up to his mouth, sucking his digits to clean them from your juices.

“Taste so sweet, just like a peach.” He groaned, his fingers popping from his mouth, the noise startling you from your orgasmic comedown. There it was again, your nickname but now it just sounded sinful and you knew going forward, you wouldn’t be able to hear it without getting wet and embarrassed.

When you finally regained some composure, you looked at Joel; your lips were swollen and red and your cheeks had a light flush settled on them. He smiled, thinking you were truly the most perfect sight he had ever seen. Your hand reached over to his lap, you had a hunger and needed to curb the insatiable need for his cock. Your small hand palmed him through his jeans, he was rock hard and fuck, he was big. You swallowed, almost nervously at the thought of his large cock stretching your tight hole out. Of course you had slept with people, you weren’t a virgin but your previous boyfriend was nowhere near that big and he definitely couldn’t make you come that hard, even on his best days. You gently squeezed at his length, stroking him through the rough fabric.

“Not here, darlin’. How about we go back to mine so I can properly appreciate you?” He asked, and just as you opened your mouth to protest saying you wanted him right there and now he spoke once more. “I’ll drive, dunno if you can drive properly after that, little girl. I saw how hard you came on my fingers, now imagine how hard you could cum on my cock.”

Your whole body shuddered involuntarily, never in all your years of knowing Joel had you heard such filthy things from his mouth; he had always been the perfect Southern gentleman. You were soon pulled out of your thoughts by Joel opening your car door.

“Shuffle over.” He commanded.

You nodded dumbly and did as you were told. Joel swiftly started the car and continued the drive back to his, it barely took ten minutes but every minute felt like torture; your mouth watered at the thought of Joel filling your holes, using you how he pleased, your core ached with the need to be full of Joel again.

Once the car was parked, Joel hopped out and was once again opening your door for you, you exited the car and grimaced at the cool air hitting your skin. You felt Joel’s hand on the small of your back, guiding you into his home, a place you had been hundred’s of times before but this time you felt nervous.

He opened his front door for you and you walked in, just as you were about to turn and speak to the male he was holding your hips in his large hands and pressing your smaller frame against the wall. His lips were on yours and starting a bruising kiss, once again your hands found their way into his hair and you moaned softly. You wanted to be stuck like this forever, with his soft lips on yours and his rough facial hair scratching your skin slightly reminding you exactly who was kissing you.

“Please don’t tease, I just want you so badly Joel. I have for years, b-been thinking about your cock filling me up for years.” You whined, sounding like a petulant child.

“And I’ll be fillin’ you up real soon, sweet girl. But how about I make you feel good again, yeah? You think you can be good for me and cum again, I wanna truly taste how sweet you are, sugar.” He growled, his lips trailing rough kisses down your neck. God how he wished he could mark you up, head to toe, just so people would know you were all his.

Your knees buckled, and your body fell against Joel’s slightly, causing him to laugh breathily; no woman had ever reacted like that to him before, let alone just his words but then again, no woman was like you. He took you by the hand and led you up to his room, you couldn’t help but take in your surroundings, you had been in Joel’s room a couple times before but you had never noticed just how much it smelt like him.

“How about we get you nice and comfortable, let’s get those clothes off you. Can’t wait to see your body.” He started by pushing your plaid shirt off your shoulders, throwing it over to the side; the heavy fabric landed with a dull thud onto his wooden floor and with that he swiftly removed your tank top. Somewhere along the way you had both kicked your shoes off but your brain was too murky to fully register it.

Joel’s rough hands slid up your sides, he was drinking in every inch of your curves and soft skin; in the wake of his hands your skin was freckled with goosebumps.

“So beautiful,” he breathed, a dim light casting beautiful shadows over his face. You felt embarrassed as his eyes fully drank in your form. “May I?” He asked, voice soft and smooth like honey, his hands were at the clasp of your bra and you simply nodded. It seemed like a trivial thing to ask permission for considering less than thirty minutes ago you were cumming around his fingers.

He removed your bra, your perky breasts bounced ever so as the supportive fabric was gone. Your nipples hardened as the cool air hit them, pulling the sensitive skin tight. Joel could have devoured you whole, right there and then. His large, calloused hands came up to hold your breasts, his thumbs swiping over your nipples almost in a testing fashion. He did it again when it elicited a moan from your throat, he pinched the sensitive buds and your back arched towards him.

“Joel, I can’t take it. Please.” You whined, his touches were entirely too much yet not enough all at once. It was your own form of perfect torture.

The older male was loving this, watching your eager reactions as he toyed with your body, his cock was hard and leaking in his jeans and he couldn’t wait to be inside of you.

“Be patient, darlin’. We have all night.” He smirked, slowly sinking to his knees in front of you.

His rough hands begrudgingly left the peaks of your breasts and worked their way down to the zip of your tennis skirt, he unzipped the fabric causing it to fall to the floor. You took the cue and kicked it to side, out of the way. Joel’s fingers hooked into the waistband of your panties once more and slid them down your legs, you rested onto his shoulder and stepped out of them, just before you could kick them to the side, he was bunching them up and shoving them into his back pocket.

This man — he would be the death of you, you just knew it.

You were about to make a comment and protest but Joel was stood once again and gently pushing you back onto the bed behind you; you fell onto the plush mattress with ease, your thighs falling open without being asked to do so. You felt exposed, vulnerable but above all else, you felt needy.

“Good girl, without even being told to lie like that. Such a beautiful girl.” He remarked, pulling his shirt over his head and slipping his jeans from his thick thighs.

You rested up on your elbows to peer at Joel as he undressed and your throat tightened, all the air in the room seeming to have evaporated immediately. He was beautiful, all harsh lines to the outside world but in the glow of his bedroom now, he looked soft and warm. You were in deep, and you knew it meant deep trouble.

He palmed himself through his boxers just to stave off some of the throbbing and your eyes followed eagerly, the thick outline of his cock making your walls clench around nothing. Wordlessly Joel knelt at the end of the bed, latched his hands onto your thighs and pulled you closer so you could feel his hot breath fanning over your sopping folds. Your hips bucked into thin air, nothing there to help you and he laughed, it was quiet and breathy but he definitely laughed — fucker.

Joel trailed two fingers through your folds, collecting your arousal on them once again and without warning he plunged them into you roughly. You gasped, your back arched off the bed and your fists balled into the sheets either side of yourself. His fingers were so thick, so much thicker than any man you had been with before; you weren’t sure whether that was down to the age difference or just Joel’s build. He slowly pumped his fingers in and out rhythmically, building speed and curling them so they brushed that perfect, sensitive spot inside of you.

Your mouth was agape as you laid there, completely at his will, writhing under his relentless touch. Moan after moan, after moan spilled from your parted lips and just as you felt the tension tighten in your stomach Joel lapped his tongue of your clit. Your back arched and the filthiest moan escaped your mouth, you weren’t even sure how that noise had come from you but it had and it had Joel smirking as his tongue swiped through your folds again just to circle around your clit once more.

Your hand laced its way into Joel’s hair, your fingers gripping the strands with a deathly vice and he groaned into your pussy causing vibrations to ripple through you. You weren’t sure how you were still holding on but your stomach was twisting, tightening and bubbling as your orgasm approached once again.

“Mmm, good girl.” He praised as your walls clenched around his fingers as he continued to pump them into your wet heat. The room was filled with obscenely filthy noises; your moans echoed throughout the empty space as Joel slurped up your juices.

“Joel —“ you sobbed, your back arching impossibly high off the mattress below you. “C-can I cum? Please. Need it.” You asked pathetically.

Why were you asking permission?

Never before had you felt so submissive for a partner in bed, never once had you asked permission to cum, no, normally you would be chasing your high, just trying to grasp at a fraction of how good Joel was making you feel.

“That’s it baby, such a good girl for asking permission. Wanna make you feel as good as I can, peach.” He groaned in between pleasuring you. “Cum all over my face, wanna taste as much as I can.”

That was it, the coil in your stomach snapped abruptly and you were gushing onto Joel’s fingers, a pleasured scream tumbling from your lips. Never, not once had you squirted before, yet here you were, soaking the sheets beneath you and in turn, Joel’s beard and your own thighs. You would have felt ashamed if you didn’t feel such pure euphoria in the moment. Your back was twisted and contorted off the sheets as Joel worked you through it, making you squirt further.

He could have cum in his boxers, like a teenager as the first drops of your orgasm hit his face. He lapped up as much of you as he could, like a man who had been starved for years. And he had, he had been starved from allowing himself to have this moment with you and now he had you, he wanted to savour and devour you as much as you would allow him to.

“Joel,” you whimpered, your thighs trapping his head. “C-can’t do it anymore!” You sounded wrecked, your throat felt raw from how loudly you had been moaning.

Joel laughed, pushed your thighs apart and removed his fingers from you. You winced and your walls clenched around air, feeling so empty once again.

“Please, p-please can I have you now?” You asked, positioning yourself on your knees in front of Joel. You reached your hand to feel his hard cock through his boxers once again and this time, he didn’t stop you.

You abruptly pulled the checkered fabric from his waist and his boxers pooled at his feet; freeing his cock finally, it sprang up against his stomach and you all but moaned.

“You’re so…” you whispered, looking up at Joel through your lashes as your small hand wrapped around his thick length. The tip was dark, a bead of pre-cum glistened at the slit and all you wanted was to taste it, to taste Joel’s musk. “You’re so big, fuck.” You cursed, your tongue sticking out to kitten lick at his tip.

You wanted to sink your mouth down his length to fully take him in so your nose could bury into Joel’s thatch of dark hair but you resisted and gave him another lick, tongue flicking into his slit.

Joel groaned, a low and gruff noise from the back of his throat. “Fuck, darlin’, I gotta be in you. None of this.” He spoke lowly, his thumb coming down to swipe along your bottom lip and you quickly sucked it into his mouth.

“Please, daddy.” You whispered, the honorific slipping from your throat before you could process it. A look of horror washed over your features and you knelt up higher to look Joel in the eyes. “I — I, — sorry. I didn’t mean —“

Your fumbling words were cut off when Joel placed his big hand around your throat and brought you in for a kiss. You were trouble, you were sinful and he was damned. He had been called daddy a few times by younger women, they thought it was sexy; the way they would flutter their lashes at him at the bar, saunter over to him and whisper ‘hey daddy.’ Normally it made his skin crawl and caused his body to cringe but the way it almost innocently slipped from your lips, it was like a curse from the devil himself and it made Joel’s cock jump, nudging your stomach.

He squeezed his hand around your throat and you smiled? Trouble. Nothing but pure trouble.

“Not such a good girl, after all, huh? Been acting all innocent all these years.” He whispered, his thumbs squeezing near your pulse point, hard enough to make your head feel lighter and floaty but soft enough not to hurt you deliberately. “God, what would your old man say about this? See his little girl begging to cum, see you squirting on his best friend’s face. Smiling as I wrap a hand round your throat. Your trouble, darlin’. Nothin’ but damn trouble.” He whispered, his teeth nipping at your bottom lip before peppering small nips to the flesh of your neck.

Your legs trembled as they held you up, it was wrong but his words went straight to your core and soaked you further, you didn’t think your arousal could get higher but here you were. He was right though; your dad would be horrified, would be downright mortified to know what his daughter was truly like and at the hands of his best friend? That would destroy your lives. All three of you. You pushed that bitter thought away as your head lulled back and you allowed Joel to grope at your chest, hungry to feel your body once more.

“Say it again,” he growled into your ear as he pushed your body back down onto the bed. “Call me it again as I fuck you real good. How ‘bout I show you what it’s like to have a real man fuck you, not some silly boy.” He said, his voice gruff whilst he stroked the tip of his cock through your folds.

“Daddy,” you whimpered, parting your legs further to allow Joel more room to enter you. “Daddy please fuck me.” You begged, sounding weak.

“Oh, of course, baby girl.” He cooed, pushing his cock into you roughly until he was bottomed out. “Fuck,” he cursed.

“S-so big, daddy.” You whimpered, your hands grasping at Joel’s biceps, just trying to hold onto something as you adjusted to the slight burn of him stretching you out. “Mmm, please move.” You moaned.

“Atta girl, taking daddy’s cock so good already.” Joel groaned and he swore that he saw heaven in that moment; your tight body below him, contorting to how he needed. He had already built up a punishing pace, hips drawing back to slam forward roughly. The room was filled with echoes of your skin slapping together, his deep pants and your wanton moans and weak, pleading whimpers.

“I’ve wanted this for s’long,” you sobbed, your eyes falling shut as the tension built further in your stomach once more. You knew from this point forward you would be wrecked for any other man, no one would be able to make you feel this good. Not even close. “T-touched myself so many times thinking about you fucking me.” You admitted, the words falling without thought. “Want you to cum in me, wanna be full of just you, Joel.” You moaned.

Joel was a goner, he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep this up for much longer, you were too tight, too wet and just too good for him to have any real stamina. Your admission didn’t help matters, either. The thought of you spread out on your own sheets, touching yourself to him?!

He gripped one of your hips tightly, hard enough to leave bruises on your delicate skin as he fucked into you harder with deep groans. “Can’t be saying that to me, peach. Gonna cum too quickly.” He hissed, his free hand snaking between you to trace circles around your clit.

“I c-can’t do it again,” you stuttered, your body burning from the inside and out. “Too much.” You breathed, your sharp nails clawing at any bare skin you could find. Just anything to anchor you down as Joel pulled another orgasm from you.

“I think you can. Hmm?” Joel spoke. “What you think? Wanna be a real good girl for daddy and give me one more?” His thumb sped up but his hips slowed to a sensual roll, his cock head bumping the electrified bundle of nerves deep in your walls. You clenched around him tightly and he moaned, louder than before. “That’s it, baby. That’s it. One more, come on now. Come on.” He groaned, working your clit faster.

You whined, the noise stuck in your throat as your back arched once more and you clenched around Joel before gushing around him with a moan of his name. “Joel, Joel, Joel, Joel, J—.” Your eyes had rolled back, any further and they would have disappeared into the back of your skull.

“Such a good girl, fuck. So tight. That’s it, squirt on my cock.” He groaned, removing his hand from your clit to hold down both your hips as he fucked into you with more fervour. He wasn’t going to last long, but he also knew you couldn’t take much more. You were cock drunk and spent. “Gonna fill you up so. fuckin’. good.” He huffed, accentuating each word with a thrust.

“Daddy,” you cried, tears pricking the corners of your eyes as your body went into overdrive.

That was it, that’s all it took. Joel looked down at you, your were a mess and all from him, tears fell onto your cheeks as he finished inside of you with a groan of your name. “Shhh, that’s it sweet girl. Such a good girl.” He cooed, his hand cupping your cheek as he emptied himself into you.

You moaned, feeling the hot liquid of his cum fill you up, your walls clenched weakly, just trying to milk him of every drop and you turned to kiss his hand. The room smelt of sex, the air was thick and hot and sleep called to you like a sweet song.

Joel pulled out of you with a hiss and you whimpered, your body felt like there were a hundred tiny pin pricks on your skin. You were overstimulated and completely spent but ultimately, you were so happy.

“Hmmm, m’sleepy.” You hummed contentedly.

“I know, sweet girl but can’t sleep here. The sheets are a mess. How about you have a rest in the spare room and I’ll go sleep on the couch?” He asked softly, brushing your sweat-dampened hair from your face.

“Sorry about the sheets,” You giggled, eyes heavy-lidded and barely open. “Although, was kinda your fault. You’re a dirty old man, too good at that.” You teased, still giggling.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m going to hell.” He huffed, his voice all too serious.

Joel scooped your naked body off his bed with a gruff noise and before you knew it, you were in another bed with the duvet wrapped around you. Joel had cleaned you up with a damp towel, dressed you in one of his shirts and wrapped you up into the sheets.

“Stay with me,” you whispered as Joel turned to walk out, assuming you had already passed out for the night. “P-please stay with me.” You cried, tears filling your eyes.

He smiled and obliged with no arguments. The mattress dipped beside you and he wrapped his large arms around your waist, pulling you close.

“Of course I’ll stay, peach.” He whispered and pressed a kiss to your temple.

You hummed sleepily, your eyes already closed and you felt peaceful. It was the most peaceful you had felt in a long time. Joel was there, you finally felt content and safe in his arms. You knew trouble was brewing on the horizon but right there, in that moment, you couldn’t find it in you to actually care.

Everything felt like it was too much, of course your fantasy came true but what did this mean for your futures? You only assumed it would be messy and all too hard on you both.

You drifted off to sleep peacefully that night, the most peaceful you had been in far too long. Your senses screamed Joel and you felt safe. You knew trouble was brewing on the horizon but for now, you were content and happy.

——————————

#joel x reader #joel miller x reader #dbf!joel miller #dbf!joel miller x reader #joel miller smut #pedro pascal #tlou series #age gap joel miller #minors do not interact

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livwritesstuff · 1 year

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i got to walk in Boston’s pride parade today and it was simply the best and most joyful time (and then it ended, at which point i was slammed with the resulting overstimulation of it all yippee). anyhoo all that love and happiness got the old creative juices flowing and this is what came from it. i suppose it acts as a bit of a sneak-peek of what’s to come in this series

Steve is getting boring in his old age (forty-four, almost).

It was inevitable, he supposes when he looks back, and he likes being boring.

He likes the steady routine of the life he and Eddie (married for seven years, now) have built with their three daughters (four, seven, and nearly ten, a notion Steve is choosing to ignore because there’s no goddamn way she’s already got an entire decade under her belt), and he doesn’t often find himself making attempts to mix things up.

Naturally, Eddie was the one to suggest they make the trip into Boston with their daughters for the annual Pride parade, and when he does, Steve isn’t automatically inclined to agree.

Look - Steve knows it’s important for kids to see the world and do new things and all that enriching shit, but maybe he still bears some of the scars from keeping a semi-feral pack of teenagers alive amidst the eldritch hellscape of their hometown, and it’s not like they don’t keep themselves entertained at home - their youngest had finally gotten the gist of go-fish recently and that’s been a whole new ballgame Steve is perfectly content to continue exploring.

In the end, however, the logical side of him (and Eddie’s ever-persistent badgering) wins out, and come mid-June of 2011, they all make the drive into Boston to see the parade.

It doesn’t take Steve long at all to acknowledge that it was a good idea. He hadn’t been to Pride in many years (again - he’s boring in his old age), and he’d forgotten how much fun it is - a true celebration of love and happiness in the face of a lot of fuck up shit. The parade’s pretty good too (definitely a few floats he hopes the girls are too distracted chasing after candy to notice and ask questions about later, but only time will tell, he supposes), and so is the festival afterwards. It ends up being a really great time for all of them.

Of the whole day, though, Steve’s favorite part is the trip home, a drive that should have only been twenty minutes, but turns into nearly an hour with all the traffic on I-90, and the girls are still riding the sugar rush of an afternoon’s worth of lemonade and fried dough and candy thrown from parade floats (the littlest might be succumbing, though, if Steve’s quick glances in the rear-view mirror at the way her eyes are drooping closed in her car seat are anything to go off of), and it seems as if the day’s contagious joy had followed them into the car.

The older two have been asking a lot of questions - mostly about what floats were everyone’s favorites until their eldest, perceptive as she’s always been, hits them with, “What’s Pride for?”

which turns into, “Why do people think it’s a bad thing?”

and that becomes, “So how did you and Papa fall in love?”

at which point Eddie, who’d been fielding their daughter’s questions so Steve could keep his focus on the stop-and-go highway traffic, launches into a dramatic and involved retelling of how their relationship had begun.

“So I told him that I liked him and what do you think Papa said?” Eddie eventually asks.

“What?” the girls ask with eager smiles and wide eyes.

“Nothing,” Eddie says ruthlessly, a wicked grin on his face.

“Alright,” Steve cuts in as the girls giggle in the backseat, “Let’s not be dramatic. I said something eventually, and it wasn’t even that long later - four hours tops.”

“That’s right,” Eddie concedes, “And then we all lived happily ever after and all that jazz.”

“Good,” their daughter says, “’cos if you hadn’t, today wouldn’t happen.”

“Hate to break it to you, sweet pea,” Steve replies, “but I’m pretty sure Pride would still happen even if Dad and I weren’t there for it.”

“I mean we wouldn’t be here today all together.”

Steve blinks.

Jesus Christ, these kids are gonna be the death of him. Can’t drive the damn car if his eyes are misting over, can he?

“Yeah,” Eddie says as he reaches over to curve his hand around the back of Steve’s neck, “Yeah, bug, that’s true.”

And thanks goodness for that.

#stranger things #steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #dads!steddie #the satellite and the sky #idek what this is #barely proofread srry #hopefully it isn't annoying that i didn't name their daughters #it's a plot point i haven't gotten to yet and i refuse to spoil my own shit kay?#liv’s steddie dads verse

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hooter-n-company · 14 days

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Question,

On your oc sheet for bulzar, you mentioned about him disliking humans with some exceptions. Has he ever befriended or at the very least was mural with a human?

Bulzar is a gruff and very territorial fellow, so even if you get on his good side, don’t expect him to act all warm n’ fuzzy around you (Miko being the obvious exception). That said, it is still possible to befriend him, especially if you make a good first impression and prove you’re not a threat to his precious son.

Bulzar is on pretty good terms with these guys, although introductions were seriously rocky:

This is the trio of bounty hunting bois I mentioned. From left to right, we have Grimaldus (aka Grim for short) the foul tempered conjurer, Balroc the big n' rowdy warrior, and Owin the optimistic young mage and healer. The story where they first meet the giants is still in the works, but @amanofhamm wrote the blurb below explaining how the gang came to be:

It all begins with Owin. He's a young but highly intelligent student of magic who cares for people and wants to use his magic to help others. Other mages were jealous of him, but his elders loved his mind and his talents. However, it became clear that the masters were dabbling in the dark arts. Owin tried to plead with them to not corrupt their souls, and when they abandoned their morality for power, and many other mages followed suit, Owin denounced the guild and went his own way.

The first he came across was Grim, an elder mage who was originally from a rival guild, and regarded Owin's guild as a bunch of pansies. The two first met when Owin decided to travel the world to find a new way to help people. Grim, meanwhile, was on his way to a bounty, using his magic for a job usually suited for tougher warriors. But Grim's particular brand of magic was quite deadly. At first, Grim didn't like Owin. He thought of him as a little wimp who would just slow him down...til a ghoul bit and poisoned him, and Owin ended up saving the old mans life. So after that, it was like, "fine, you can tag along, kid..."

But when the two were on their way to Grim's bounty, they came across Balroc, who was also after the same bounty as Grim. Balroc was already a bounty hunter and was looking for the biggest, toughest bounties to take down. He doesn't talk a lot about where he came from, but he's clearly a very skilled warrior, but also deeply boastful, headstrong, and while not a meathead, he isn't the sharpest tool in the shed either.

He'd also just gotten his ass kicked by the monster he was after. Grim told him to beat it since the monster was his prize, and Balroc basically told him to go fuck himself. And the two, naturally, did not hit it off especially well. Grim went after the bounty himself, with Owin's assistance, and sure as the sky is blue, Grim got his ass kicked, and once again required Owin's healing.

So, Owin came up with the idea of the three of them working together, Grim using his magic for ranged attacks, Balroc for close attacks, and Owin supporting them both with his magic to provide defenses. And sure enough, they took down the monster and each collected and split the rather large bounty. And from that point on, however begrudgingly, they became partners who constantly bicker but grew to trust and care for one another, tho Grim will never admit it.

Owin's around 19 years old. He's the youngest of the bunch but also the most mature, well disciplined and empathetic. He's very kindhearted and always willing to help others out, even if there's no payment in it for him.

Balroc is anywhere from his early to mid twenties and acts kinda like a rowdy big brother to Owin. Though, he's not a mentor by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, a lot of the time, Owin's the one teaching him a thing or two. Though, he's the biggest and strongest of the bunch, with excellent combat stills, resilience, stamina, and an appetite to spare. He's not quite as trusting as Owin, but he's got a good heart and isn't afraid to show it from time to time. Though, he has a deep hatred of monsters.

Grim is in his sixties, and is like the grumpy old uncle to the two bois. He's a grouch through and through. Hates most people and is seemingly only ever happy when he's tormenting Balroc. He and Balroc bicker and argue like an old married couple all the time. And while not a strong fighter, he has more spells than he knows what to do with. He doesn't give a shit most times, so long as there's a pay day. Grim has a heart, but he's like if Grumpy Cat were a dude. "Fun is overrated."

#hoot hoots #hooter’s ocs #asks #hooter draws #bulzar #miko #bounty bros #grimaldus #grim #balroc #owin

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lesbianslovebts · 1 year

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When I was a young child, I had lots of meltdowns that my mom didn't understand. I would cry and cry, but I could never say what was wrong. Well, it turns out I couldn't even speak in that state, let alone explain what I was feeling. As I got older, I became more prone to shutdowns and bouts of severe depression rather than meltdowns. But now I'm in my mid-late twenties, and I've started having meltdowns again as an autistic adult. It's probably been about a year since they started up again, and I didn't know what they were at first. I wanna share what they're like for me, in case there are any other late-diagnosed autistic people who want to know more about what meltdowns look like in an adult. This is what happened 2 Saturdays ago:

I went to the store and found out they'd changed the deli section around drastically. The person who normally slices my salami wasn't there, and the new person sliced it thicker than I like. Still, as long as I had the right brand, I knew I'd be okay. But then I got home and found out my brother had his kids come over. There was abnormal debris in my path, like toys and backpacks and empty boxes for the new gates we'd had to install. That was overwhelming both visually and spatially. But I was able to heat up my regular Saturday burrito and ate it in my room. I took a nap after to recover from the grocery trip, as I usually do.

When I woke up, things started really going downhill. I stayed in my room and was trying to do things on my computer. I turned on my fan for white noise to drown out the kids, but I could still hear them squeal or cry, come up to my door and bang on it with toys, and there were other loud, unexpected bangs that made me jump in my seat, multiple times. No one had an explanation for me what those were. So, I put on my noise cancelling headphones. That worked for an hour until my ears got tired from being pressed on, so I took them off. I went out of my room to get something.

Then, I realized there were 3 additional unexpected guests over, including another child. My brother didn't tell me or my mom about this, so I froze up when I saw them. My mom pointed out that I hadn't acknowledged their greetings, but I couldn't really say anything, waved awkwardly, and moved on. I holed up in my room again and kept flinching from the noises.

Additionally, my brother, who sounds just like our abusive, alcoholic father, kept yelling at the kids. It sounded like it was right outside my door. Physical anxiety began to set in from the PTSD. Then a migraine came on. It felt like 3 nails were being hammered into my head. I took my pills and tried to sleep some more to prevent it from getting worse, but the noise was too much. I texted my mom about the migraine, desperate for her to quiet everything down, but it didn't happen.

I started breathing abnormally. I sat in my bed, rocking back and forth, unable to sleep. A couple tears fell, but I tried to stop because crying makes migraines worse. The noises didn't stop. I started pushing the heel of my palm on my head where the migraine hurt and dragged it across my skull. It would have looked like I was hitting myself. Then I started sobbing. Mouth open, gut-wrenching, screaming sobs. I tried to muffle it with my blankets, which made it harder to breathe. I coughed and gagged and blew my nose.

When I ran out of energy to sit up, I slumped against the wall, still sobbing, with my arms sticking out and tense. I dug my heels into the bed and dragged them on the mattress, kicking each leg out one after the other. By the time the meltdown ended about 30-40 minutes later, when I'd completely run out of energy, the extra guests left, and the kids were in bed. I laid in bed, exhausted, but unable to sleep. Eventually, I got out of bed to talk to my mom about what happened and what needs to change to prevent this from happening again.

I had no control over the crying, hitting, or kicking. I think frustration and anger were the most prominent emotions I felt. I was also deeply disappointed because it was my birthday weekend, and it was ruined. I still don't know what I can do, if anything, to make these meltdowns easier or shorter when they happen. I'll be working with my therapist on that. Anyway, that's what an adult autistic meltdown looked like for me.

(This is okay to reblog. I invite other adult autistics to share their experiences in the tags or comments.)

#autism #actually autistic #actuallyautistic #meltdown #autistic meltdown #llbtspost

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the-conversation-pod · 10 months

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Comfort Food

Japan is leaning into its cozy heartwarming bona fides and we’re liking what it’s giving. We'll discuss an amnesia show and two different food shows. Please eat before you watch any of these shows or you'll be so hungry.

Ben and NiNi discuss the Japanese BLs Jack o' Frost, Our Dining Table (Bokura no Shokutaku), and Naked Dining (Zenra Meshi).

Listen on Apple Podcasts

Listen on Google Podcasts

Timestamps

The timestamps will now correspond to chapters on Spotify for easier navigation.

0:00 - Welcome 1:15 - Intro 2:01 - Jack o' Frost 23:40 - Our Dining Table (Bokura no Shokutaku) 48:00 - Naked Dining (Zenra Meshi) 1:02:50 - The J-BL Victory Lap and the Food BL Flop

The Conversation: Now With Transcripts!

We received an accessibility request to include transcripts for the podcast. We are working with @ginnymoonbeam on providing the transcripts and @lurkingshan as an editor and proofreader.

We will endeavor to make the transcripts available when the episodes launch, and it is our goal to make them available for past episodes. When transcripts are available, we will attach them to the episode post (like this one) and put the transcript behind a Read More cut to cut down on scrolling.

Please send our volunteers your thanks!

0:00 - Welcome

Nini

Hello, hello! Your QL fandom aunty and uncle are here with giant sunglasses, brown liquor in a flask, a folded five-dollar bill to slip into your hand when no one is looking, lukewarm takes, occasional rides on the discourse, deep dives into artistry and the industry.

Ben

Lots of simping! I’m Ben.

Nini

I’m Nini.

Ben

And this is The Conversation. About once a season, we plan to swan in and shoot the shit on faves, flops, and trends that we’ve been noticing in the BL, GL, or QL Industry. Between seasons, you can find us typing way too many words on Tumblr.

1:15 - Intro

Ben

This spring Japan continued to lean into its cozy, heartwarming bona fides, and we're liking what it’s giving! This particular week, we'll be talking about Jack o’ Frost, Our Dining Table, and Naked Dining. As with everything in this season, Nini and I recorded our initial reactions to these shows either a week ago or months ago, and we're going to append our final thoughts to the end of this. So, sit back, listen to us talk about how Japan continues to demolish all of our hearts, and we'll see you on the other side.

Nini

Demolish indeed. Catch y'all on the flip.

2:01 - Jack o’ Frost

Nini

So, Jack o' Frost. Ben, what is Jack o’ Frost about?

Ben

Jack o' Frost is about a couple in about their mid-twenties that is falling apart but gets a second chance because one of them has an amnesia incident, and cannot remember anything related to their partner. The show unpacks the amnesia trope itself as a sort of perverted version of second chance romance, as a way to force the characters to examine some of the rigidity with which they've viewed their lines when it comes to other people.

We begin at a birthday party. Ikegami Fumiya—he's a salary man and he's been living with his boyfriend, Okusawa Ritsu, who is an artist or illustrator. For whatever reason he suggests they break up during this birthday party. Ritsu gets upset and leaves. Fumiya doesn't hear from him, and then the little brother calls him the next morning because he was hit in the head and seemed dazed. Over the course of the first episode we come to understand that Ritsu doesn’t remember Fumiya and anything related to him, but seems to remember everything else.

And so we spend the next couple of episodes with Fumiya sort of hiding their original romance from Ritsu because he was maybe embarrassed about the fact that they had just broken up and thought he had a chance to get things right this time. Eventually this blows up in his face as things come out, but the two of them have to unpack what being apart means. And we end up seeing them come back together as Ritsu realizes that maybe he was also slightly at fault for some of these things.

This show ended up being incredibly satisfying to watch. I am deeply opposed to the amnesia romance trope. It is one of the few things in BL that is almost a hard line for me because I don't like one person knowing that much more about the other one. It always makes me uncomfortable. Nini, what did you think about Jack o' Frost?

Nini

I loved it unreservedly.

On the technical side, it hit everything that I'm looking for in a show—all four of the filmmaking markers. Like, the direction was good. The writing was good. The acting was good. The production was good. So, like, from a filmmaking standpoint it hit the mark 10 out of 10. Love the story.

I, too, I'm generally not a fan of the amnesia romance. Let me actually take that back. It's not that I am not a fan of the amnesia romance. It's usually handled badly, and here it's handled really well. First of all, it's not soapy at all. It feels at first like Ritsu’s just foggy, like he got conked on the head. He's a little disoriented. But then as the story plays out, they're teasing out, “Oh no, he really doesn't remember Fumiya,” and, like, he thought that he would remember, and then he doesn't remember, and then it comes out that he doesn't remember.

And then the way that they deal with that is surprisingly realistic. They go from realizing that he doesn't remember Fumiya, and then that's at the end of one episode, and then the beginning of the next episode they're at the doctor! I'm like, “Okay, yes! I think I can rock with this show!” That's just such a simple thing that so many shows that are doing the amnesia storyline do not do.

As much as I don't agree, of course, with Fumiya's decision to withhold information from Ritsu. And the reason that he withholds that information…I understand why he felt desperate enough to make that move—the fact that it's a deliberate move, and it's clearly elucidated to the audience that it was deliberate. And why he was doing it—I think that that was important. I think normally that wouldn't have been laid out in the way that it was laid out to the audience.

I like that you see the impetus for the breakup throughout. The first thing that you see in the show is the breakup, and you're just like, “Why is this happening like this?” And then as you go through the show, and you see Fumiya trying to re-engage with Ritsu in this idea of having a new relationship—a fresh start—but you're seeing the same things crop up in their relationship that Fumiya said were a problem when they were breaking up in the beginning. And then at the end, you come right back to seeing the entire fight and break up, then and you understand everything that happened. You understand fully why Fumiya made the decision to do what he did. You understand fully what was going on with him and Ritsu.

The way the show is constructed…I generally don't like when shows are constructed like that—when it's kind of this mystery and you have to put together the pieces, but here it really works. I really enjoyed the acting. Honda Kyoya, who plays Ritsu is incredibly good in this. The couple play that the two actors are using is good. The intimacy between them is good. The way that the intimacy develops is good.

You get the sense of things being new and old at the same time between the two of them, which I really like. It feels correct for the story. I really like the show. I gave it a 9.5. I dinged it half a point for reasons that we're going to get into as we discuss the show. But this is an excellent show—almost gave it a 10.

Ben

I ended up giving this show a 10, because most of the time, for me, the question is what's the premise, what are the conceits, and then do you deliver? And the show does. It’s an amnesia romance about a couple that broke up, and all of the reasons why they broke up, why they're still being drawn back to each other—how does the amnesia fit into this? Where do other people—all this is executed really well.

Ritsu doesn't know what's going on, but Ritsu's little brother does know and he is not okay with this at all. He makes that abundantly clear to Fumiya right away, and Fumiya says, “I'm going to tell him. Just let me sort things first.” And he reluctantly agrees because the last that Shuji knew his brother was in a long-term committed relationship with a guy who seemed pretty good. And Fumiya is a pretty good dude!

What we eventually learn is that this is likely Fumiya's first real romance in a way? Like, I get the sense that he maybe knew who he was as a queer person, but hadn't had any real meaningful connections with another person until he was with Ritsu. What happens in their relationship is they settle into a domestic life—it's going pretty well. But they're in their mid-twenties, and they're trying to pursue their professional objectives. Ritsu relies on his clientele to provide opportunities for him and this means that in a lot of ways he's always on.

Like, some of us have had that partner who is entrepreneurial in nature, and so they have to talk to clients during personal hours all the time. And that can be really frustrating because it feels like your couple time is being given up for everyone else, and it makes you feel like maybe your partner doesn't want to be with you—they'd rather be doing this other stuff. Maybe they're bored with you? And that's often the wrong way to think about it! They're working hard because they're trying to create opportunities for both of you. They want to work so that you two can do other cool things together. And, like, the show underscores that beautifully because we learned that part of what Ritsu was doing with all this money he was getting was he had…booked a vacation for them to go back to the place where they first were intimate with each other—that they had hoped they could see during a winter season instead, so that they could do other things like use the hot tub and make a bonfire, and do some other cute stuff. That's what Ritsu had done.

And, again, Fumiya has to come to terms with this because he was like, “We should be over!” And then he realized that Ritsu was doing all this romantic stuff for him. He and the audience is left to wonder, “What if he hadn't gotten hurt? Would Ritsu have come back and they would have maybe talked about what was going on and worked it out? Or did they need this…unusual opportunity to see each other properly?”

Fumiya has this fight with Ritsu. After he had done a little surprise party for him, got him a really cute cake, and the two of them have a really satisfying couch bed scene. Honda Kyoya and Suzuki Kouske did a really good job there. We get this really satisfying oner from bringing the cake over, to eating the cake, to flirting with each other, to making out on the couch. That is so impressive to watch the actors, have pre-built those emotions before we started the shot, to execute that in the single take. It is so satisfying on so many different levels.

I don't really like when intimate scenes have a lot of cuts and edits in them because there's a visceral quality to just being in the moment with the characters. I don't mind the editing when we're remembering something that happened because we edit our own memories. But when we the audience are experiencing a first time with someone I like for those to be handheld shots and long takes so that we can stay with the characters in the moment.

What eventually happens when all of this lying comes out is they break up for very valid reasons. Like, “You lied to me,” but Ritsu's memories come back. Another reason why I forgive this show for doing amnesia: the other guy gets his memories back. And now that he's been able to reconcile what was going on, he realizes that, prior to this, he was also maybe withholding something from Fumiya. Like, he doesn't tell Fumiya that he had already known who he was for far longer, and had been holding a weird little crush on him. I don't think the two things are equal, but it forces Ritsu to have an understanding about what people are doing and why.

Like, Fumiya did lie to him, but it was a lie because he was insecure, and no one could have predicted this would go down. He still cared about Ritsu the whole time. He just panicked because he was feeling like he was losing his boyfriend.

Nini

This is why I dinged the show that half point, because…I didn't like that the show felt like it equated Ritsu's withholding of the fact that he had met Fumiya once before. He just ran into him on the beach and he developed this little crush. He held onto that, and then he randomly saw this dude in a cafe and he recognized him. That's the quote-unquote “secret” that Ritsu is holding from Fumiya. It's not that I feel like the show equated the two, because I don't feel like the show equated the two. But they considered them too similarly for my comfort, which is why I dinged the show a half a point. But only a half a point because, in the end, does it really matter why Ritsu decides to forgive Fumiya? It doesn't to me. I am one of those people who believes in people having all the information and then deciding what they're going to do with it.

People make decisions about love all the time that don't make any sense. I am a person who really believes in love itself being a decision, and a decision that one should take with their eyes open. So, the fact that Ritsu now knows everything and he decides to forgive Fumiya and go back to him is all that I need personally. Like, you know all the information? You're good with this? You love this person, and this person loves you, and that's the way you feel? Good. Go with it. That's where I ended up, so I felt in a way—for me anyway—in the way that I conceive of love. The show didn't need that, which is why I only dinged it a half point.

Ben

So the reason why it works for me is the implication of the withheld knowledge about Ritsu having a crush on him before is that it implies that Ritsu had been holding back emotionally in their relationship. So Fumiya's uncertainty about where they stood was a little bit valid in that Ritsu hadn't put all of his cards on the table, and it left Fumiya feeling unsteady in their relationship.

Nini

If I squint I can see that, but I would have to squint.

Ben

That's okay, but like you said, like, it doesn't necessarily matter, but that's the way I ended up reconciling that.

I liked the way everyone knew what was going on and was encouraging them even down to Ritsu's ex encouraging Ritsu to show a little more patience with Fumiya than he showed him when they were together. Now that's growth.

Nini

I loved the relationship between Ritsu and his ex. It felt very real.

Ben

[laughs]

Nini

I have exes like that! When we broke up I hated them and I never wanted to see them again and then like years later we're friends and they're just like, “Oh, please don't do this shit with this person that you did with me. Figure it out.”

I like that his ex is like, “Yeah, I noticed that this is your boyfriend because he was glaring at me. Why did you invite me over to your house?” And then he realizes that Ritsu doesn't know that Fumiya is his boyfriend [Ben laughs] and he then he's like, “Okay I'm—I'm removing myself from this situation, but how would you go talk to this dude? I think you need to talk to this dude.”

He sees everything that's happening, and he doesn't insert himself, but he does try to gently shove Ritsu towards figuring it out for himself.

Ben

I really really appreciate how effectively the chemistry works between Suzuki and Honda here, that I genuinely believed their characters were into each other. Every single time these two characters have to do on-screen intimacy—in any way—it hits really well between, like, the flashback to the first time they, they had sex at the cabin they stayed in, to the pre-breakup makeout they had on the couch, to the gentle ways they touch each other—consider each other when they're existing in the same space together. They feel…very familiar with each other…in a way that was so satisfying for me as well.

Nini

You know I have to say it. The kissing is bad!

Ben

I think it's fine!

Nini

The intimacy is fantastic. Like I said, the couple play, the actual skinship work that they're doing—that's all incredibly good—like, you feel the heat. But the kissing is bad.

Ben

I'm [gonna] let you have it.

Nini

Okay. I need them to at least do more than, like, gently graze their lips against each other’s. [laughs]

It feels silly to kvetch about that when the intimacy is so good. I felt all the things that you're supposed to feel when you're looking at the intimacy onscreen. It feels hot. It feels close. You get all the feelings you're supposed to get…It's just that the kissing is bad, from a technical standpoint.

I'm letting it slide, and it's not my intention to…bitch about this…That's just me nitpicking. The important part of the heat and the kissing and all of that is the understanding of where these two people are in their physical relationship, and I get all of that. It doesn't make me question whether they're into each other or not. It is very clear that the two characters are extremely into each other, and that they want to touch each other, and that they want to be intimate with each other, and that they want to be around each other. It's just really me nitpicking.

Ben

I really just admired this show so much because I'm always complaining that we only ever see shows about boys getting together, and I want more shows about boys staying together. And this is a show about boys staying together! Like, in a roundabout way, ‘cause they're technically cheating by doing an amnesia plot, so they're getting together again…but fundamentally, it's a show about a couple in crisis saying, “We're probably going to still be in crisis, but I'd rather be in crisis with you than lonely without you.” I just think that's really beautiful because that's the work of a long-term relationship.

It's making the choice to choose each other constantly. Infatuation falls off. It's about trust in the long term, and that's what these two were able to finally get to with each other. Like, you have to work towards each other and decide who you want to be to each other long term, and what kind of life you want to build with each other, and that's the biggest thing that I think Ritsu hadn't really properly communicated to Fumiya, because Fumiya is like a salaryman-type.

Like, he's reliable. He does a lot of their cooking. Like, it's clearly his apartment. He's the one making the long-term choices for them in terms of keeping them physically whole. And Ritsu as the artist, you expect him to bring a lot of more of the the life and the other aspects of this to their thing—and he does!—like that's the whole thing with uh the secret gift of the, the second trip thing is he was trying to do that, but he doesn't say these things to Fumiya. He does these things quietly.

He does it through maybe his art sometimes, which he doesn't always show Fumiya, and he has to say these things directly because Fumiya can't just understand his way through that—which is actually kind of radical from a like, from an Eastern storytelling perspective. Like, they're very big on the whole “You should just know” thing and like it's kind of nice that this show is like, “Yeah, but he didn't. So, you should tell him.”

Nini

I take your point. I feel like a lot of the time, there's this idea that you're doing all these things—people should just know. And no, people don't know. You have to say the thing, and I like that more romance is leaning towards saying the things.

Ben

The show is good! Like let let's let's let's be clear! This show is very good! [laughs] And it surprised us! Like I was not expecting this show to be good.

Nini

I’m very, very glad that I watched this. LIke I said, Jack o’ Frost was a 9.5 out of 10 for me, and my ding was really a me thing. But this is a 10 show. I can acknowledge that this is a 10 show.

We're in the business of recommending, which I sometimes am—I would recommend Jack o’ Frost. I think it handles a subject that I usually do not enjoy in a way that I did enjoy. The filmmaking is excellent. I had a note in my notes about how much fun the set designer and set dressers must have had on the show.

Ben

They definitely did, because they must have had fun dressing up that apartment.

Nini

That apartment looks like they had so much fun designing and dressing that.

Ben

We're not necessarily the best set design analysis people. So, if some of you are very good at picking out these things in the set design, I would love to read your posts about that! Please send them to us because there's a lot to pick apart in the background of this whole show.

Nini

Ritsu’s desk alone. There's a shot in particular over Ritsu's desk that I just want to pause and look at it. The show is gorgeous. It's really well done. Go have a look-see if you haven't looked at it already.

Ben

It's a good show! I can't recommend this show enough! Y'all should really go out and watch it.

23:40 - Our Dining Table (Bokura no Shokutaku)

Nini

Our Dining Table. Ben, what is Our Dining Table about?

Ben

Our Dining Table is about two 23 year-old men meeting each other at a very turbulent time in their lives, bonding over their shared affection for one of the guy's little brother, and then learning to better take care of themselves and each other by learning to cook more together.

We meet our protagonist, Hozumi Yutaka, played by Inukai Atsuhiro, as he's working for an architecture firm, and he eats sort of the same lunch every day on a park bench outside, and about a seven-ish year old boy walks up to him who's very precocious. Asks him about his rice ball, and asks if he can have it. Yutaka doesn't really know what to do with this but the young boy, whose name is Tane, his brother Minoru runs up, apologizes for the brazenness of his brother. And the next day when they come to apologize, the little boy asks if he can come over to teach them how to make the rice balls because his brother does a terrible job with it.

What starts as a simple hangout with these two brothers, one who's 23 and out of school, the other who's 7 and very precocious, becomes this incredibly lovely friendship that starts to boil very slowly into a romance, and very much becomes a story about what it means to choose your family, whether you were born into them or not.

It's a truly lovely little production and is probably one of the most wholesome things we've watched this year.

Nini

I…loved it. It’s so layered. It is about all the things that Ben is saying it's about. Finding family, choosing family. It's about learning to let go in some ways of things that happened to you in your past, but it's also a retrospective on grief. Because the reason that Minoru is taking care of Tane is that his mom died. And when his mom died, his life just kind of stopped for a bit, and he is now taking care of his little brother so that his dad can work and support them.

Yutaka is…stunted from things that have happened in his childhood that we later discover are things that he held onto—some things that he misinterpreted, some things that he interpreted correctly, but also didn't let go of. And over the course of the story, he learns to let go of some of these things. There are things about meeting Minoru and Tane and their dad—the Ueda family—that give Yutaka the strength to face certain things about his past. And that leads to him reconciling in a way with his adoptive family. It leads to him finding this new family in the Uedas.

It's something else, and it's so well made. Production, direction, acting, writing. Top tier. Top tier stuff. I had an ache in my chest watching this show, and that ache was simultaneously happy and sad.

Ben

I know what you're talking about. Both Yutaka…and Minoru…are carrying around a great deal of grief and there's a lot on them. We learn that Yutaka is adopted in the family he's part of because his original parents passed away, and he had a very difficult time when he first moved into the Hozumi household. They recontextualized some of this later to show that maybe Yutaka took certain things a little too hard, but Yutaka's very emotionally stunted by these sort of things. He doesn't really develop a whole lot of friends and he's kind of a loner.

One of the things that's interesting is he can make rice balls, but he doesn't actually cook a lot of complex and diverse foods that often. It's his desire to…befriend this family that actually brings out a lot of his cooking skills, because he has a natural knack for some of it because he's read some stuff. But it's fun watching him learn how to do things along the way, and it's fun seeing a budding friendship/relationship make someone more sociable with other people in their lives.

Like, this is classic romance. I eat this shit up every time.

Yutaka’s really not that engaged with other colleagues at work. When he impulsively agrees to make bentos for the boys before they go out to the zoo one day, he ends up asking his co-worker—who's been wanting to befriend him for a while—to teach him how to make a bento. One of the lovely parts of that is he messes up quite a few times—he ends up practicing making the bento every day almost for weeks and getting feedback from his coworker until he can do it right. And that, for me, is just such a lovely moment. Yutaka is new to trying to cook consistently for other people, and I like that Minoru also picks up more food skills along the way. There's a lot of “food is love” stuff that's done very well in this.

Minoru tries to make sure that he can make the dishes that he remembers his mom making for him because he doesn't want his little brother to not also have a fond memory of those dishes as well, and that's really, really beautiful.

There's just a really…almost understated way that this show allows its characters to express affection. Very early in the show, Minoru is clearly-taken with Yutaka. Iijima is giving just absolutely enamored smiles at Inukai the entire time, and it is so convincing.

We get to this really interesting misunderstanding that felt super queer in about the late middle of the show, where in a very sort of…intimate moment, Minoru…kisses Yutaka on the cheek, but then feels like he overstepped, and Yutaka's not very good at expressing his feelings so he's just kind of silent about it. Then they meet up to talk about it, and Minoru misreads Yutaka's…silence for…anxiety or embarrassment, and essentially breaks up with Yutaka?

That felt super queer to me. You don't know if people are going to be receptive to what might be a huge change in their lives, and so you prepare yourself for the disappointment. I talked about this once before—or multiple times on this podcast—about the way internalized homophobia really demolishes your brain and blinds you to maybe what's happening in front of you, and I was not expecting this very heartfelt little cooking show to delve very directly into that.

Nini

I don't have anything in my show notes for this show, because I literally watched it just sighing at the screen. Everything was so well observed, everything felt so real. Everything was very gentle. The show is extremely gentle. Nothing feels harsh–not the grief, not when there's any kind of anger, when there's confusion or sadness—none of it feels harsh. It's all very gently done. The show treats the characters incredibly gently. The show brings the characters together incredibly gently. The show has a lot of heart. It feels kind of like eating warm soup on a cold day.

[Nini laughs]

I'm not always able to be verbose or coherent about the shows like those, because they just bypass the brain and they go straight into my heart. It's not always easy to talk about them when they do that.

Ben

I have a question for you, then.

Nini

Okay.

Ben

We learned from some of our friends…that the conversation that happens in the Hozumi household, revealing that Yutaka’s adoptive brother was trying to take care of him, was added for the show. How do you feel about that inclusion, and do you think it's better to have given us those insights into the Hozumi family?

Nini

It doesn't seem like this is a reversal of anything, just a deepening. I like…that Yutaka is—not wrong—because he's not wrong about the things that he experienced when he first joined the Hozumi household. His brother Yuki was quite mean to him, but that is reframed a little bit as him being maybe a little jealous.

It's that thing when a new kid comes into the family. Usually this happens when kids are younger but he was a little bit of a shit about Yutaka joining their family, and the parents weren't very proactive in ensuring that that was shut down. So, it's the first impression that Yutaka has of Yuki, and it has stuck through everything. It stuck to the point where it made him mentally erase the ways in which Yuki was good to him subsequent to that, which I found super realistic in terms of how memory works.

Yutaka sort of went into his shell after that initial hostility. That changed him. It altered him, and he didn't really come back out of that shell until he met the Uedas. They kind of gave him the courage to go back to his family—because he's been avoiding his family. The impression is that he's been avoiding his family since he left the nest. Probably since he went to college. Probably still while he was living in the house.

He held onto his hurts. He misunderstood attempts to pull him back out and nobody really knew what to do, so they just kind of let it sit and it festered a little bit. Because he's now gained the courage to go back into the house and see his family again, he is rewarded for that courage by having these things reframed for him to understand that: yes, his family does actually love him. Yes, they want him to be an integral and active part of them. I like it.

A lot of people I know didn't like it because they think that it's a redemption for the family, or it undercuts Yutaka's pain. I don't think that it undercuts Yutaka’s pain. I actually think that it makes it more tragic in certain ways. That over the years they couldn't resolve this, but also makes it more satisfying that he finally was able to resolve this. There is a sense of relief that you get watching Yutaka make peace with, and in some ways, return to his adoptive family. That was really lovely. I quite enjoyed that.

Ben

I really liked it because I don't think Yutaka can be a good member of the Ueda family without…gaining some sort of closure with how he felt about how he joined the Hozumi family.

I don't think it's about redemption for anyone or forgiving anyone. It's about Yutaka appreciating that love itself is not straightforward. It was about him recognizing that, yeah, his adoptive older brother is a little stiff, and maybe they'll never really be close, but they're also not enemies. And it allowed him to see that the Hozumis may not necessarily give him the affection that maybe he wanted directly, but they do genuinely care about him and his well-being and sincerely consider him a member of their family.

And that's something that Yutaka has to process and accept, and it's that realization that people have been trying to pour love on him his whole life that finally kicks him out of his freeze response to Minoru expressing affection for him directly. That allows the two of them to finally cross a threshold and start to be something more to each other.

Speaking of which! I really love the way Iijima played Minoru as somebody who was clearly aware of his own queerness. That was kind of understated in his performance, but he was clearly familiar with the fact that he was bisexual.

Nini

That sort of comes to light when his ex-girlfriend comes to see him. The way that he is with her—and it's on multiple levels. It's the level of: He left school when his mother died to help take care of Tane, and here's this person who he clearly has some kind of history with coming to find him and being like, “Look, how long are you going to do this?” But it's like she doesn't understand him at all, and it feels like she doesn't understand him on multiple levels.

She doesn't understand him on the familial level of why he would put his life on hold to take care of Tane, and she doesn't understand him probably on the queer level as well. Because she's here aggressively trying to make her play, and he’s having a whole other relationship basically. The way that he shrinks with her I found very effective.

Ben

IijIma is very, very good, and he does so much with his physicality in this show.

Nini

You can see the affection towards Tane and the kind of joking relationship he has with his dad. You can see when Minoru starts to fall for Yutaka, and you can see how he gradually is falling deeper and deeper and it's really all through the body language. There is work in the facial expressions and all of that, yes—both the micro expressions and the bigger ones—but the body language really. He starts turning his entire body more towards Yutaka when he talks to him. He sits closer to him when they're eating. There's a lot of, like, little things, some of which are probably in the direction, but also some which are just in Iijima’s physicality in playing the role. I really enjoyed watching him do that.

Speaking of the physicality of the role, the actor I, think his name is Kuuga who plays Tane?

Ben

His name is Maeyama Kuuga.

Nini

Such a delight! Such a delight. So lovely. That kid is going places. He's perfect!

[Ben laughs]

He works perfectly. No notes.

Ben

I saw an interview with Inukai and Iijima, where they talked about how, because they had to do a lot of long takes because Japanese cinema has a very strong stage tradition. There was a lot of necessary improvisation.

Maeyama Kuuga does a great job, but he's still a kid and he's going to stumble over his bits a little and they're going to have to work around him to make sure that the goal of the scene is accomplished, and there's a lot of giving Maeyama an understanding of what they're trying to do and why they're trying to do it so that he's invested in trying to do it, and playing around what he's going to give them. And it was very clear that he had a good time while working on this.

You mentioned the direction. As Tane gets closer to Yutaka, he starts to sit closer to him when they're having their meals together. Like, you mentioned the lunch with the ex-girlfriend. She was super rude to Tane when he spilled some juice on her or whatever, but later in the same episode he spills some juice on Yutaka, and Minoru starts to worry that Yutaka will also get mad, but Yutaka was only concerned that Tane might have hurt himself and immediately gets up and it's like, “It's okay, we can just change clothes.”

Yutaka is treating Tane in a gentle way that he wishes that he had been treated when he was younger and that extends to the way he also treats Minoru, because Minoru's relationship with his little brother is important. You can't just…start a romance with someone who's filling a parental responsibility if you're not also prepared to participate in some parental responsibilities. Whether Yutaka understood that consciously or not he adapted very quickly to it.

It's funny because Tane is the reason that they know each other, so this isn't something that he, like, met Minoru. They thought each other were cute, and then he's like, “I guess I'll deal with the kid.” Like, he's here because the kid asked him to be here originally, not the brother.

Nini

Tane brought him into things. Tane was so insistent that Yutaka be part of this that Minoru actually started looking at him. We got, of course, backstory later in the show that…Minoru had run into Yutaka once before even though he didn't remember it. Tane has, I guess, kept bringing Yutaka back to Minoru at different points in time, I guess?

Ben

Beautiful. I love it.

Nini

It's really super sweet. The the first time it happened, which was around the time that their mom died. The whole interaction between Yutaka and Tane then, which Minoru didn't remember until later, actually helped start pull Minoru out of the immediate grief of his mother's death to the point where now he's at a place where it's more manageable. And then he meets Yutaka again. He’s still got Tane, he’s really stressed out. And he calms down almost when Yutaka comes into their lives, because he is incredibly frazzled and flustered when Tane first interacts with Yutaka.

And then over the course of all these dinners and weekends and whatever that they're spending together, you see him calm right down even when Tane is throwing tantrums, even when there's a lot of stressy stuff going on—Tane’s not well, Tane’s this, Tane’s that. He's more calm even when more stressful things are happening because Yutaka’s there.

And then in comes Ueda-san just to seal the deal! He is one of the best dads that we've seen in all of BL.

Ben

I love Ueda Koji so much, oh my God. He literally picked his son up by the scruff and threw him out of the house and was like, “Go find Yutaka and fix it! [Nini laughs] Right now!” I loved it.

Nini

It was so funny, and you're the one who pointed out—because I hadn't even realized—that every time they cook, they never leave any food for Ueda-san.

Ben

They never do! [laughs]

Nini

[laughs] It's so terrible! And he's always so nice about it! He's always like, “Aw, shucks!”

Ben

I really like that one of the core themes of this show is: “Love is hard, and love does not come without the risk of loss. You will experience loss by loving some people, but you still have to love them regardless because it's what makes life worth living.”

Nini

I do like that they didn't end the show on Minoru and Yutaka getting together. They went a step beyond that because Minoru and Yutaka… This is not going to be some kind of happily ever after from them. They're both unlearning so much, and there are going to be stumbles, which is why I like the show going past the “we're together now” moment into Yutaka directly tackling his fear of loss, and beyond that into the special about some of the misunderstandings because these boys are not the best communicators—even though they're learning and trying. I really like that we sort of got a step into how their relationship is going to function and the things that they're going to learn being in a relationship with each other because you know you and I are the “tell us how these boys stay together” people and [laughs] I feel like we got a little bit of an insight into that by the end of the show.

Ben

I really liked that Minoru is going back to school, and I like that a big part of it is…he wants to stand beside Yutaka because Yutaka is a working adult. I like that in so many ways, like, leaving school when his mom died was a part of his grief. And, like, going back to school in so many ways communicates that he's finally come to terms with it and can focus on his own goals again. Which is interesting because, like, the ex-girlfriend—it's what she wanted for him, but she was kind of selfish about it.

I also like that we're still seeing them developing at the end. Like, this show isn't “and then they lived happily ever after.” I like that we're leaving them at the beginning of what feels like something that can really work that they're still figuring out.

Nini

Overall, this is a 10 show. Ben, is this a 10 show for you?

Ben

Oh, absolutely! Like, no questions about it. Go watch it. I'll be watching it again.

48:00 - Naked Dining (Zenra Meshi)

Nini

And now Naked Dining—Zenra Meshi. Ben, what is Naked Dining about?

Ben

A Japanese salary man who secretly overperforms at work who, about six months after his grandmother dies, receives some time-delayed mail from her encouraging him to head back to his hometown and take care of some things at her house. While there he runs into a young man who was a friend of his grandmother's who has been taking care of the house. After going through some of her things, he decides he wants to complete the culinary journey she had taken herself on. As she had gotten older and sick, she decided to do a last form of maybe, like, international travel by preparing foods from other cultures using the appropriate ingredients, and this young man—who works at a grocery store—was helping acquire these ingredients for her.

The two of them start hanging out on Saturdays to follow through on her path, and it becomes a really interesting examination of some ideas about different parts of the wider LGBT acronym…? Gets a little muddled towards the end unfortunately, but I guess we'll get into that here in a second.

But basically it's a Japanese food BL we had a mostly decent time with until the end.

Nini

I feel like it had a lot of ideas…and it cycled through them just one after the other—just idea after idea after idea—but none of the ideas are really taken through to a conclusion. None is really a through line through the whole show. It's not that none of them emotionally land because they absolutely emotionally land, but they also feel like you don't get to sit with any of the feelings that you have about anything that happens because the show was then sort of onto the next idea and onto the next idea

I was just kind of left with a, “Oh, well that was interesting and you know, helpful…But what happened to this? It just went away?”

Ben

I feel like two or three different show pitches were being merged in this.

They have this whole conceit with the naked dining. So Souta has this thing where every day when he goes home after secretly overworking he makes himself a bowl of ramen, and then he strips off his clothes to enjoy his food without anything in the way. At first this was kind of a cool idea for me that your clothes are a costume, and you're wearing the salary man persona when you leave the house. Food is one of the few tangible joys he has in his life, and so he's stripping off this costume so he can be closer to the food, but I feel like the show never interrogates the emotional core of why he does this?

And then it ends with he and Mahiro doing it together…and it just feels unearned as a shortcut to say “well they fucked.”

Nini

I understand the, the concept of Mahiro accepting that part of Souta, but the thing I didn't get that maybe I wanted to understand is why Mahiro might find that idea appealing. When it comes to the two characters, I feel like I have a really good handle on Souta. I feel like I understand his thought processes and his motivations, and I feel like I am emotionally connected to Souta. Mahiro is a little more, like, slippery for me.

Mahiro just feels…sad…and, like, he's been nursing this crush forever…but I don't have a sense of who Mahiro is outside of the way that he feels about Souta.

Ben

Souta was really kind to him when he was a teenager, and he fell for Souta, but Souta didn't even see him that way at all. And it seemed like it twisted around whatever sort of other personal struggles he was having at that time and, like, get fucked with his own sense of worthiness and he just really never recovers from it.

I got frustrated because around episode like 7 or 8. Mahiro kisses Souta when he's sleeping. Souta is confused because he's feeling things from Mahiro and asks him—kind of innocently—if they can kiss again because he's trying to understand how he's feeling. Like, “You kissed me, can I kiss you back to see what's going on?" and Mahiro gets upset because he doesn't want Souta to kiss him if Souta can't kiss him like he likes him. Which, fine. I get that. I tell boys all the time, “Don't flirt with me unless you mean it.” But I didn't think that was fair because he had initiated things with Souta, and that was one of the big struggles on the back end—like, even down to the final episode.

So they've gone on this huge arc.They’ve been cooking these foods together. Souta’s finally figuring himself out. Souta’s female coworker…showed up to Mahiro and was like, “Of course, you know this means war,” and she puts on her eye black—

[both laugh]

—and they're going at it trying to fight for Souta's affections or whatever. Great. Amazing stuff.

And, like, she accepts her defeat as gracefully as she can. I did not hate this character—she got on my nerves a little bit—but she treated Mahiro like a true romantic rival, and I got mad respect for that.

Souta is called away for work. And this show does some New Siwaj bullshit to us by, like, giving us a flashback to high school to be like, “Once! In high school! He said to his homies that he wants to connect Japan to the rest of the world! Which means that now that he's gotten a job in Singapore! He's never coming back!”

And it's, like, you guys are in, like, a real relationship here. You guys have gone through all of the things! And then Souta comes back and is like, “I've made a decision without you! I'm going to stay in Japan!” Like okay, whatever.

And Mahiro's, like, mad about this! And Souta has to grab him to keep him from running away again, and I was like, “God damn, bro, we have eight minutes left in this show!”

Nini

I don't know whether they felt like they needed to fill time or—I don't know what it was—but the plot really got tortured, like… You're right that it feels a little New Siwaj-y, because the show is going along pretty well—slow start! Yeah, it gets to the middle, and there are these really good ideas that are building up here. And then…somewhere around the time that Souta asks Mahiro if he can kiss him things just kind of, like, fizzle?

It felt like they wrote eight episodes worth of stuff and had to stretch it to fit 12.

Ben

It feels like there were 12 recipes, and they really, really wanted to make sure that each recipe had its own episode. This was also a little bit frustrating for me because I don't always feel like the food of the episode matched with the tone that was going on.

Nini

I feel like the food didn't fit at all! I also wasn't sure what the theme of each episode was because it wasn't always clear.

Ben

There's a little bit of an idea with the food, like, the dishes get more complex over time, and Souta, who doesn't have a whole lot of kitchen skills, is picking some up along the way. This was actually really good and I really enjoyed this. I liked that by the end Souta was able to cook along with Mahiro even if there were still new techniques for him to pick up. That was incredibly satisfying. The way that the cooking itself feels is used well in the show but, like, the specific dishes don't always feel like they resonate for the episode—and that's the problem! I can't remember any of the specific dishes they made, which is kind of frustrating for me in a show that was so much about the food.

Nini

I think I'm not accustomed to Japanese drama being this slack. That's the best word I can use to describe it. It feels slack. It feels like there's way too much room in it somehow…and they're just kind of ambling around within the drama.

I haven't seen a Japanese drama that feels this purposeless.

Ben

And that's, I think, the heart of it. With most Japanese dramas I know if I care about it almost instantly like they usually set up a really solid premise, and part of what ended up really frustrating me with this show is I feel like the “naked dining” as part of the core premise is deeply undercooked and doesn't develop into something really interesting. Like they were so close!

As a result it ends up kind of feeling weirdly flat by the time we get to the end.

Nini

You know what I feel? This is gonna sound real weird but follow me on this. I think that this kind of story, that the story—these stories that they wanted to tell—would have worked better as an anthology or something where they were following multiple couples.

Ben

I agree…and I feel like they could have focused on the role of the dish a lot more.

Nini

This feels like it was originally like a Midnight Diner or a Three Star Bar in Nishi Ogikubo, and I feel like the if it was gonna be 12 episodes, and it was gonna be focused around what it's focused around, because they really seemed to want to focus it around these recipes, they needed to use up the room. And one of the ways that they could have used up the room, with even some of the same writing and some of the same stories they wanted to tell, would be to separate those stories up over multiple individuals or multiple couples.

And I feel like the show kind of had the right elements for it as well because one of the best episodes of the show is the episode where they have to have the anniversary party for the boss at work. It just feels like the strongest episodes are when they actually pulled somebody else in, like when they did the Taiwanese hot pot with Ryu.

Ben

Great episode.

Nini

I think what happened at the back end of the show is that it spent way too much time with just Souta and Mahiro.

Ben

You're correct. Like, the two episodes you highlighted: the episode where they cook for the boss, and the episode where they hang out with Ryu, are interesting because when they're around other people, they naturally start to turn into a little bit of a team. It's why the Ryu hotpot episode works so well because they're being super awkward with each other. We can feel that their dynamic is struggling and Ryu is like, “I'm going to fix these gays, and then I'm going to go to sleep.” The perfect elder gay.

[Nini laughs]

Nini

And I love that and he really did try! And then Mahiro’s bullshit got in the way.

Ben

Like that—that's the whole show! Like things were going well and then Mahiro's bullshit got in the way and we don't even know why.

Nini

Mahiro, I understand why you're afraid of this, right? But you kissed the man, and he's literally standing there like, “Can we try this again?”

Ben

Take responsibility for what you did!

Nini

And you're just like… “Naw.”

There were times honestly, when I just wanted to yell at Mahiro “Shit or get off the motherfucking pot already. I'm so tired of you.” [laughs] I got tired of Mahiro! And then I started feeling bad for my man Souta, because he was trying!

He was trying so hard. He was trying hard to be honest, he was trying hard to be open. He was trying really hard to understand himself because he didn't want to dick Mahiro around because he cared about him. So he is literally trying to work so much of the shit out by himself and only coming to Mahiro when he couldn't work shit out on his own anymore and he needed to work it out with the person that he's feeling all these things about—which is normal! And understandable!

And Mahiro treated him like he had kicked his dog. I got so frustrated with Mahiro. I just really did. And the thing is I understand! Okay, yes, you're scared. Okay, fine. Get it. But I'm still frustrated with you, man.

[sighs] Anyway, all that to say: Ben gave it an 8. I gave it a 7.

I had a very visceral and personal reaction to certain parts of this show and then the rest of the show let me down, so I feel more disappointed by it than Ben does I think. Which is why, for me, it's a 7.

Ben

I think, like, having sat here for the last 40 minutes unpacking it, I'm probably going to lower to 7, and it becomes a 7 because it has “failure to execute the core premise stuff,” and I feel like that's a big thing for me. Like, if you at least complete the core premise, but just stumble around it, you can get an 8. And I don't think this show really completes the core premise. So I think this is gonna be a 7 for us. So that's a chop unfortunately.

1:02:50 - The J-BL Victory Lap and the Food BL Flop

Ben

All right! We're back for the outro! We watched Jack o’ Frost, Our Dining Table, and Naked Dining. All right, panel! Tens or chops? Jack o’ Frost, Nini!

Nini

[laughs] 10.

Ben

10 for me!

Our Dining Table!

Nini

10.

Ben

10 for me!

Naked Dining?

Nini

Chop.

Ben

Two chops! [Slaps desk and laughs]

Nini

So, where does that leave you feeling about Japan and Japanese BL drama, and where does that leave you feeling about food drama?

Ben

Oh, interesting. For Japanese dramas…I feel…good. I have a lot to feel good about, though.

So, Jack o’ Frost completed the MBS Drama Shower Year One set of outings, which I mostly really enjoyed. Drama Shower 2 has started. We get a whole ‘nother the year of MBS content. I feel great!

Our Dining Table—I do not know what that particular network is going to do next.

And even though Naked Dining wasn't great per se there were good elements in it. So, like, it's not saying “This is horrible. Goodbye. Boo.” Like, even though: two chops.

I'm feeling good about Japanese BL in general.

For food drama, I gotta be honest. I'm a little concerned because as much as I loved Our Dining Table I feel like they lost touch with the food thing in the last, like, third of the show as we got really caught up in the romantic stuff—and it's fine. That took precedence at that portion. But I don't really feel like we finished strong on a food portion of the show the way we open strong with food. Only real minor knock I gave that show—not enough for me to take a point from it.

Nini

I mean Ben's the big J-BL person. Like, Ben's had to sort of shivvy me into a lot of J-BL, and I have not regretted it to be fair to him. I'm feeling pretty good about J-BL. I feel like J-BL gives me what K-BL would like to give me, which is contained stories like with high production value and low runtime. But somehow they managed to grab my emotions in a way that K-BL has very seldom managed to do at this point.

Ben

There's a specificity to what the Japanese story wants to unpack that I don't think that any of the Korean projects has properly honed in on. Thing for me with Japan is…up until Naked Dining, I had never once felt like my time was being wasted, and that's not something I can say about any of the other countries.

Nini

They're just the granddaddy, man, aren't they? Like, they built this shit. And what they're doing now feels a little bit like…coming into the room and putting your dick on the table.

[laughs]

Because what we do know is coming out of Japan the rest of this year right now is sequels. Like, they have done so much good shit. They can just come back to us and say, “Yeah, more of that!”

[Ben laughs]

—and everybody's like yes, please! You know what I mean? It feels a little bit like Japan is taking a victory lap right now and I gotta say it's well deserved.

Ben

That's a really interesting observation I hadn't considered: that the presence of sequels is a statement about how strong their work is.

Nini

I mean look at what's coming up. Minato’s Laundromat 2. I didn't watch Minato’s Laundromat, but everybody seems to be excited about it. We got Utsukushii Kare 2 already this year and the movie Utsukushii Kare: Eternal. We got the Cherry Magic Movie. This is gonna be the fourth like return to What Did You Eat Yesterday? because you had the original, you had the special, you had the movie. This is the fourth return to What Did You Eat Yesterday? They're coming back to She Loves to Cook, and She Loves to Eat like.

Ben

MBS liked BL enough that they decided to renew the slot for another year and the first offering’s pretty strong. Like, real shit, y'all, if you—you're gonna be hearing this a little late, I think, so Tokyo in April is… may have finished by the time you hear this.

Nini

We're gonna be talking about that in the fall. Japan really does feel like it's taking a victory lap right now. Like even with its original content. It's all like light work.

In terms of what J-BL is doing, I'm feeling it. I'm feeling the J-BL, Ben.

Ben

Is it hittin’ for you?

Nini

It’s hittin’. It’s hittin’. It’s hittin’.

And then in terms of what food BL is doing. Look, I don't know, I feel like food BL is kind of all over the map—that very few people are really clear about what they want to say using food. I feel in general, the food BLs are kinda “hmmm,” and this is not just Japan, because they've been trying them in Korea, they've been trying them in Thailand, and none of those have really hit. I don't know how I feel about these food stories because I don't know that the people who are making them know what they want to say.

So, J-BL: 10. Food BL right now: mostly chop.

Ben

HA! Two chops!

[both laugh]

Nini

Anyway, that is going to wrap us up on Comfort Food. We out! Say bye to the people, Ben.

Ben

Peace!

#podcast #lgbtq #jack o' frost #our dining table #naked dining #bokura no shokutaku #zenra meshi #japanese bl #bl series #ben and nini's conversations #the conversation #on art #season 3 #summer 2023 #summer series

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doctorbrown · 8 months

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DOCTOBER '23 ⸺ 「 10 / 31 * NUCLEAR 」

July 16, 1945

When the countdown reaches fifteen, a hush as silent as death immediately falls over the crowd. Conversations grind to a halt mid-sentence and everyone's eyes drop, almost in-sync, to the ground. Emmett tenses on the towel he's laid out for himself, his muscles seized by equal parts fear and anticipation.

This has to work.

This can't work.

It's a dizzying thing to stand at such conflicting odds with one's own invention, to know that your hands have touched and constructed and breathed life into something that, if it works, could rob others of that same life in a heartbeat on a scale that had never been achieved before.

Should I breathe? Should I hold my breath?

What if six seconds is all they have left until the world ignites and burns itself to ash thanks to the hubris of man? He had thrown his lot in with the crowd that believed it wouldn't, but non-zero was still something.

Emmett feels like he ages a year for every second he's trapped in limbo, not knowing whether or not the past several years of hard work will have yielded the results they so desperately hoped for.

He believes it will, because he has to. Otherwise, what was this all for?

When the countdown reaches zero, the bomb is not the only thing that drops.

So, too, does Emmett’s stomach.

The light of an artificial sun paints the sky with a brilliance he has no words to describe and Emmett screws his eyes shut for a second, blinded. Bodies shuffle around him, his fellow scientists all let out a collective breath—they, too, must have held it—and Emmett comes back to himself, twisting and fumbling for his protective lens to get a proper look at the culmination of all this time and energy.

And when the shockwave finally hits, twenty seconds or a minute later, he's not sure, whipping Emmett's wild red mane of hair around until it becomes a secondary flame ignited by the blast, all he can see is Pandora’s Box being blown wide open for all eternity, releasing horrors that can never be sealed again.

The blast sounds like a beast roaring in his ears, but it pales in comparison to the pillar of flame climbing higher and higher into the air, glowing with a radiance that puts their sun to shame.

He’s never put much stock into stories of magic and fairytales. As a man of science, there was no place for such things; all science once was magic, unexplainable phenomena they had not the skill yet to understand. Everything had an explanation once studied and picked apart, but right now, his mind can only grasp at stories.

The rest of the morning passes in a blur. He must have spoken to people, because he’s been clapped on the back and thanked and lauded, but what he might have said eludes him. Most of the others around him are celebrating, and maybe he is, too, somewhere.

They did not destroy the world. With this, they can put an end to the war. Brothers and fathers and sons will come home, the fighting and bloodshed will cease, and humanity can move on.

Maybe they won’t have to use this weapon after all.

But what if we do?

With this successful test, even though the future of the device was still up in the air—will they or won't they?—it was clear that the world would never be the same. The tower where they'd hoisted it up had been vaporised. Nothing of it remained where, not an hour ago, it loomed in the distance, holding the weight of their hopes and dreams.

If it could do that to a structure that normally would be unshakeable, what would it do to the land? To humans? The data—the data said one thing, but numbers and figures did not prepare him for actually witnessing the detonation; it should stand to reason that it would be exactly the same in practise.

At some point between the rising of the real sun and the ride back to Los Alamos, Emmett has the vague recollection of being invited out for drinks; a celebration, they'd said, now that they've finally crested that daunting hurdle. He'd declined, wanting nothing more than to sit in his room to give his spinning thoughts the attention they deserved.

He had far too much to think about, and he was never too partial to alcohol in the first place.

When he can no longer suffer the suffocating feeling of the walls of his room closing in on him, Emmett steals out into the night, grateful for the cool desert air even in the summer.

A solitary figure leans against one of the buildings and Emmett would recognise that silhouette anywhere.

❝Emmett,❞ Oppenheimer says by way of greeting after taking a long drag of his cigarette, ❝I take it I don't have to guess at what brings you out here at this hour?❞

#i have SO MUCH to say about this particular time oof.#doc will drop plenty of things about his past BUT the bulk of the time from 1940-1950 are off-limits. he's not proud of this moment #the way i considered continuing with this and even timeskipping to the day they get the news the bombs were dropped but #i like this as a stopping point #&; a great idea can change the world 「 hc 」#doctober 2023

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waitingonavision · 1 year

Photo

Moisés “Mo” Bondia! Official OC Info Post

Age: 55 (his age during the film)

Gender: AMAB/male (cis); he/him pronouns

Height: 5’6” (170 cm)

Physical description: Has glasses with oval frames, medium brown skin tone, and dark curly hair (3A?) with a puff on the front right side and grey streaks on the both sides; bearded. Wide-set eyes, broad nose; he’s lightly freckled on his cheeks and has dimples.

Dresses no differently than the townspeople but does wear a Sephardic style kippah (aka a yarmulke; photo is for reference) on his head. He’s on the chubby side, with round cheeks and a little double chin.

His clothing palette consists of goldish-browns and blues.

More art and info under the cut!

I’m still trying to tweak his clothing style...

Personality: Mostly soft-spoken but has a bit of a mischievous/joking streak; very dorky sense of humor. Patient for the most part; has a calm, deliberate way of speaking. On the guarded side–vigilant around new people, though he tries to be as open and friendly as possible. Has a poor sense of direction.

Enjoys wine (the doofy jokes really come out when drunk) and singing (but is bad at it). He is a big Jewish nerd™. His family escaped with their chumash (the Torah/Five Books of Moses), a prayer book or two, and a few other things.

His name, Bondia, means “good day” (from the Hebrew surname, Yom Tov). It’s shaped his outlook on life, despite, or because of, the trauma of his childhood–he was five when he and his parents fled the bandits (at the beginning of Encanto).

Background [cw for parental death and depression]: Moisés and his parents, Ester (mother) and Jonás (father), have been in the Encanto since its creation. His parents both passed away by the time he’s in his mid-late 20s. Because he’s really the only Jew in the Encanto, he feels like the odd one out (in that sense, he has a kinship with Bruno and, to an extent, Mirabel). The townspeople get along with him, despite his differences.

Ester’s and Jonás’ deaths occurred one after the other and hit Mo very hard, and he went through a period of depression and, just, not taking care of himself very well. He wasn’t always chubby (fairly average build in his teens and early twenties), and actually lost an unhealthy amount of weight after his parents’ deaths but eventually recovered–he’s able to sympathize with Bruno in this way. He is body confident and prefers himself chubby.

Relationship with the Madrigals and others: After the Madrigals discover Judaica among their heirlooms/possessions, Mo falls into the role of a rabbi and helps the family explore their Jewish ancestry and reclaim that part of their identity. He worries about his motivation (e.g., having more Jews around will make him less lonely, is that why he’s doing what he’s doing?) and wonders if the Madrigals, especially Bruno, are actually interested (he is/they are).

Bruno becomes Mo’s study partner. Mo helps Bruno through the conversion process, doing his best to offer support when Bruno struggles with guilt over leaving Catholicism. They are not romantically involved, though I’ve toyed with the idea of a queerplatonic relationship. (Mo is likely panromantic and maybe ace.)

He and the Padre have an odd friendship. They spar over theology and general religion a lot, getting into intense debates, yet they can be seen chatting companionably at the bar(?)/other places.

Other info: Works as the Encanto’s calligrapher. He knows Spanish and Hebrew, and maybe some Ladino (Judeo-Spanish). There are a lot of challenges to being Jewish in the Encanto, but he and eventually the Madrigals make it work.

He likes flowers and sketching landscapes.

Pokémon AU info: He has a bunch of Litwick that hang out around him (8, + 1 shiny) and provide light on Shabbat. Also trains a Bramblin that eventually evolves into a Brambleghast, a Golurk, and a Smeargle. He picks up a stray Mareep.

The Litwick are a reference to a menorah. Bramblin reminds me of the burning bush, so I gave it to Mo. Golurk seems to be based on the Golem of Prague from Jewish legend. Smeargle reflects his work as a calligrapher. And Mareep because Moses is a shepherd in the Torah.

Appearances:

my fic, “A Time for Building”

this art post/compilation of Encanto OCs by @cheetee

other random bits of info via asks

#encanto #encanto oc #moisés bondia #jewish madrigals #my writing #my art #stuff i've posted #mobo bobo #(his other nickname ig)#i *will* learn how to color someday lol

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shmorp-mcdurgen · 2 years

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Alternate AU: New Beginnings

Cesar Torres meets up with a familiar face, and when he visits the BPS headquarters, he’s greeted by one that’s...not as friendly.

Notes: This is around 3’500 words, and isn’t as well thought out as my last two alt au fics, but I wanted to write how I think Cesar’s first day in the BPS went. So once again, I hope you enjoy :)

The sun was beginning to set over Bythorne, casting darkness over the town as people began to head home for the night. Two bright beams emitting from the headlights of a black car hit the side of a small house, which rested near the edge of town. The vehicle’s engine rumbled as it parked in the small driveway before its lights shut off and the doors opened.

Emerging from the driver’s side was a man in his mid-twenties, staring at the home with curiosity. Cesar was wearing a red hoodie over a white button up shirt. His raven-black hair was long and wavy, with one grey streak running down his bangs. He had faint stubble over his chin and upper lip, mainly because he didn’t feel like shaving. His brown eyes stared at the home as he began to approach it.

“So…this is the place?” Cesar asked the figure leaving the car behind him.

“Yep. It’s…not a lot,” The figure sighed, her gaze fixed on the house as well as she followed Cesar. “It was the cheapest rent we could find around here.”

Sarah was a younger woman, wearing a black hoodie with the letters BPS written on her chest in bright yellow lettering. Her long, brown hair draped over her shoulders, running down her back. She approached Cesar, who was standing next to the front door, waiting for her to let them both in.

“It’s not all bad,” Sarah said as she took out a key from her pocket. “It does the job fine enough. Just…don’t expect anything fancy.” She opened the door, gesturing inside as Cesar walked into the building. Sarah followed close behind, shutting the door behind her.

Cesar took a look around the living room, seeing that it wasn’t…the cleanest place he had ever seen. Cardboard boxes were littered in the corner of the room, along with some miscellaneous junk that hadn’t been thrown away. Sarah seemed to notice the disarray as well, as she immediately let out an annoyed groan. “God damn it…I told him to clean his shit.” Sarah muttered under her breath. “I’m sorry, Cesar, I promise it’s normally cleaner than this.”

“Uh…are those…guns?” Cesar pointed towards a pair of firearms resting against the wall, one being a shotgun and the other being a huntsman’s rifle. Small boxes of bullets were resting on the coffee table sitting in front of the couch, as if someone was planning a hunting trip.

“Oh…yeah, you don’t need to worry about those.” Sarah said. “I mean, you’ve been around guns before, right?”

“I…guess.” Cesar stated. “I shot a pistol at a gun range once, though it was a long time ago.”

“Well, with…the alternate…thing, it’s just safer to have a gun handy, you know?” Sarah said. “Now…why don’t I show you around? There’s not a whole lot to see, but if you’re gonna stay here, you might as well know where the bathroom is.”

“Heh…yeah,” Cesar said with a slight smile. “Sure.”

“Who is this?”

Cesar was nearly startled out of his shoes when he heard the deep, extremely gravelly voice coming from the hallway. He glanced over to where the voice originated, seeing that he and Sarah weren’t the only ones there. A very tall, long-legged man was standing in the hall, glaring at Cesar through dark eyes. He was wearing a dark grey tank top, which itself was partially covered by a black back-brace around his mid-section. In fact, both his elbows and knees were covered in similar braces. His black hair was tied back in a messy bun, and his facial hair was scraggly. Just looking at him made Cesar nervous, and the man’s intense glare only made that feeling worse.

“Oh…hey, Seth.” Sarah sighed, sounding like she was preparing for a lecture.

“Who the hell is this?” Seth repeated, his cold glare still fixed on Cesar as he approached the two. Cesar couldn’t help but notice that Seth walked with a slight limp, using his right leg more than the left.

“This is Cesar, I knew him a few years ago.” Sarah explained.

Seth looked down at Cesar, who was attempting to conceal his discomfort. Seth looked as if he didn’t sleep in days, if the dark circles around his eyes were any indication. His gloved hands were curled into loose fists, hanging by his sides. Cesar noticed that he was wearing a belt around his hips, which had a pistol in a holster clipped onto it. Seth stared deep into Cesar’s eyes, as if he was looking for something.

“…Uh…hey…?” Cesar smiled nervously.

“…If you’re one of them, you’re pretty convincing.” Seth muttered. “Or you’re just a special case.”

“Seth, please…” Sarah said.

“Sarah, can I talk to you for a second?” Seth asked before walking towards one of the other rooms, finally letting Cesar let out his breath. Sarah shook her head slightly before glancing back at Cesar, shrugging slightly. When she joined Seth, and they were out of view of Cesar, Seth let out a sigh.

“I told you to let me know these things in advance.” Seth stated.

“Damn it, do we have to go through this every time?” Sarah asked. “I know him personally; can I not just let him join?”

“How well do you know him?” Seth asked.

“Well enough; my brother was good friends with him.” Sarah responded with a twinge of annoyance. “He’s a good man, I know it—”

“Was he acting…strange before he got here?”

“No, he wasn’t.”

“How long has it been since you last saw him?”

“I don’t know…around…eight years?”

“Eight?” Seth repeated. “And you don’t think that anything could have happened in between then and now?”

“No, it…it doesn’t seem like it.”

“Are you sure that he’s—”

“Seth, can you please just…chill for a moment?” Sarah interrupted. “You go through this…thing every single time we get a new member.”

“I just wish you actually told me before you bring in someone you only know through association.” Seth sighed.

“Don’t you ever think this is the reason no one joins the BPS anymore?” Sarah asked. “You scare them away before you even know them.”

“I do not—”

“Yes you do.” Sarah responded. “Just…please. Give him a chance, at least. Can you do that?”

“I’m just being careful, Sarah,” Seth defended, his bushy eyebrows furrowing on his face. “You should be too.”

“Don’t you think you’re being too ‘careful’?”

“…Sarah…don’t you remember what happened the last time I wasn’t careful?” Seth’s voice lowered. “Bad things happen.”

“…I guess…but…come on, you know that wasn’t because of you.” Sarah said, equally lowering her voice. “I believe this time will be different. Can you please just give Cesar a chance? Just this once?”

Seth remained silent, looking at his feet before he let out a deep sigh. “…So you are certain…that you trust him?” Seth asked quietly.

“Yes.”

“…Alright.”

Cesar sat cross-legged on the couch, waiting for Sarah and Seth to be done with their conversation. He heard their muffled voices behind the wall, feeling a sense of unease as he attempted to figure out what they were saying. He felt like he was about to be interrogated by the police, if the cop was instead a gruff, stupidly tall man that looked like he’d shoot Cesar dead if he just looked at him funny. He was almost relieved when Sarah and Seth finally walked back into the living room, breaking the increasingly unbearable tension. Cesar stood up quickly, keeping an eye on Seth specifically as he approached.

“Your name is Cesar, correct?” Seth asked, lightly brushing against Sarah as he walked in front of her.

“Yeah.” Cesar responded. “…Cesar Torres.”

“Well, Cesar, while you’re here, you’re going to adhere to the rules we have in place, you understand?” Seth stated.

“Yeah, I…I guess so.” Cesar agreed.

“Sarah will show you around,” Seth glanced at Sarah. “But if you have any questions, you come to me. You understand?”

“Uh…yeah; yeah of course.” Cesar coughed, having to force his gaze away from the pistol on the older man’s hip.

“If anything happens,” Seth turned to Sarah as he lowered his voice, “You come to me, and I’ll take care of it.”

“Okay, I’ll take it from here.” Sarah said.

Seth took one last glance at Cesar before leaving the room, closing the door behind him. There was silence for a moment before Cesar looked towards Sarah, “What was…all that about?” He asked.

“I…I’m sorry, I forgot to mention him.” Sarah crossed her arms. “That’s Seth. He’s the head of the BPS. I wouldn’t worry about him; he’s harmless.”

“…I fucking doubt that, honestly.” Cesar muttered. “He looked like he’d kill me without second thought.”

“He’ll get over it…it might just…take a while.” Sarah said, not quite confident in her statement. “Well…do you still want to take a look around?”

“Uh…sure.” Cesar responded. “I guess…”

As Sarah led Cesar down the main hallway to the other rooms, Cesar remembered something Seth had said. “Uh…what was the whole…’come get me if something happens’ thing Seth said?”

“He…he’s still not convinced you aren’t an alternate.” Sarah sighed. “He basically told me he’d shoot you if you try anything.”

“…Oh.” Cesar stopped in place, staring at the ground before shaking his head slightly and following Sarah into one of the rooms. “Swell guy…and you said he’s harmless?”

“To people who don’t deserve it.” Sarah responded, stopping in the middle of the small bedroom. “…Well. Here’s the bedroom. This is where you can sleep and keep your stuff.”

Cesar looked into the bedroom, seeing that there were two twin-sized beds next to opposite sides of the room, both empty. There were a few boxes in the corner, resting in front of the closet to the right of the bedroom door. They were all unmarked, cardboard boxes, full of random possessions and clothes. It wasn’t a bad size for a bedroom; better than the apartment he had been living in anyway. At the very least, it was big enough for both him and his cat to stay in.

“Sorry about the mess…we haven’t cleaned out this room yet.” Sarah said, leaning against the wall with her arms crossed.

“Is this where you sleep too?” Cesar asked.

“No, I sleep in the other room.” Sarah stated. “No one stays in here right now…Seth sleeps on the couch.”

“Oh…so you just…use this as a storage room or something?” Cesar asked, hesitantly approaching the pile of boxes.

“Don’t touch those.”

Cesar froze, looking back at Sarah, noticing the strange…almost sad stare she was giving him.

“…Oh…sorry.” Cesar backed away, sliding his hands in his pockets. As much as he wanted to know whose possessions were in the boxes, he figured it would’ve been best to stay silent. It didn’t seem like Sarah wanted to answer anyway.

“…So…uh…” Cesar coughed forcefully, hoping to break the tension. “What...do you guys do, exactly? Is it just paranormal investigations and all that?”

“…Basically, yeah.” Sarah responded. “We take reports, we go to the locations and investigate, rinse and repeat.”

“So…like the Ghostbusters?”

“No.” Sarah stated. “You wouldn’t believe the amount of times people called us the fucking Mystery Gang, or the Ghostbusters, or some other shit.”

“…Oh.” Cesar muttered. “But you guys are like ghost hunters, right?”

“In a way,” Sarah shrugged. “Though we take other reports too. Like…well…Alternate reports.” Sarah’s voice seemed to lower slightly at the mention of alternates.

“…Alternates?” Cesar repeated, approaching Sarah with disbelief in his eyes. “You guys…go after fucking alternates?”

“Occasionally.”

“Holy shit…” Cesar exhaled.

“…Cesar…this may seem kinda…out of nowhere, but can I ask you something?” Sarah asked, sounding as if she was itching to ask whatever question she was thinking of for a long time.

“Shoot.”

“…Have you seen Mark?” Sarah’s voice had a hint of desperation, her eyes with a glint of sadness. Cesar was taken aback, looking at the ground before scratching the back of his head. “It’s…just been years since I’ve heard anything about him, and I just want to know if you…if you’ve seen him, or heard anything new. No one’s been telling me anything, and you were really close to him, so I was just hoping…you knew anything?” Sarah continued as Cesar thought intently.

“…No.” Cesar stated, unsure if he was actually telling the truth. “No, I haven’t.”

Sarah sighed in disappointment, her eyes not making contact with Cesar’s. “I just thought…you would’ve known more.” Sarah muttered. “I mean…you stayed in Mandela longer than I did…as soon as I could, I got the fuck out of that hellhole.”

Cesar knew that the statement was false. He knew very well that he left Mandela before Sarah was legally allowed to live on her own. He left Mandela when he was 18 and still in high school, long before he was prepared to start his own life. The night he left his loving home and drove away from everything he grew up with. The night he met—

“Are you alright?” Sarah asked softly.

Cesar wasn’t sure why she asked that until he noticed that a tear was running down his face. He wiped it off with his sleeve, coughing before finally answering her question. “I’m alright, just…tired, I guess.”

“Do you want to go back to your place?” Sarah asked. “I can get everything cleaned up before you start living here.”

“Ah…it’s…it’s fine.” Cesar said. “I want to kinda…get used to this place anyway…get used to…Seth being there.”

“I’m sure you’ll get used to everything soon enough.” Sarah assured. As she examined Cesar’s distracted expression, she felt a sense of sadness radiating off of her friend. “…Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Yeah…” Cesar lied. “…I guess.”

Cesar was led by Sarah around the apartment, getting used to the layout of the place and the fact that there were guns in every single room. Sarah told him that most of them belonged to Seth, which wasn’t very surprising; he looked like the kind of guy to own a military’s worth of firearms. Overall, it wasn’t a bad apartment; for the shoestring budget that the BPS had, it wasn’t too crowded, even with three people living in it.

After the tour was over, Sarah and Cesar sat in the living room, both of them looking at the coffee table, which had multiple pieces of tech laid across it. Sarah explained the purposes of all of them, all while Cesar listened with interest.

“…And this is a spirit box,” Sarah stated as she picked up one of the gadgets. “Ghosts can use the radio frequencies to communicate to the living.”

“Huh…spooky.” Cesar said, lightly taking the spirit box out of her hand and examining it. “I’ve seen shows about ghost hunting…they almost always have one of these.”

“It’s one of the most common things to use in paranormal investigations.” Sarah said. “So…yeah, of course you’ve seen it on TV…well…before they were banned a year ago.”

“I never understood that.” Cesar said. “Like why get rid of the fuckin TVs? Last time I checked, alternates can’t come through TVs.”

“Well…you never know, those things are…unpredictable.” Sarah stated.

“Yeah…definitely.” Cesar muttered.

Sarah looked at the gadgets on the table, furrowing her brows before she sighed. “Fuck, I forgot the thermal camera…” Sarah stood up from the couch. “You should probably know how to use it…I’ll be back in a second, sit tight.” Sarah left the room, walking down the hallway until she was out of view. Cesar sighed, leaning back on the couch as he began waiting for Sarah to get back.

“Looks like you’ve had a rough time.”

Cesar jerked his body around, seeing that Seth was walking towards the couch, staring at him. “…How long…have you been there?” Cesar asked sheepishly.

“I only just came in here.” Seth stated. “Heard you and Sarah talking.”

“…Wait, what do you mean?” Cesar asked. “…The whole…me having a rough time thing. How would you even tell?”

“That streak in your hair.” Seth responded, his hand reaching into his pocket and taking out a box of cigarettes; it was nearly empty. No wonder he had such a gruff voice.

“…What about it?” Cesar asked, lightly touching his grey bang with his hand.

“You know…I read somewhere that people’s hair can turn grey after a traumatic experience.” Seth explained as he lit the cigarette in his mouth. “…some people’s hair turned completely white.”

“…I…I just thought it was just some…coincidence.” Cesar said.

“Not trying to pry, kid…” Seth said. “But what exactly happened to make you want to join the BPS?”

“…I…I don’t know, I just kinda…felt…a calling?” Cesar struggled to find the words, not wanting to tell the guy the exact reason. “I felt like I could…get some answers.”

Seth paused, sighing a bit before walking in front of Cesar and sitting on the other end of the couch, avoiding sitting right next to the young man. “…Yeah, that’s what a lot of people want. It’s not like anyone else is gonna answer anything.”

“What do you mean?”

“Mandela County especially has been trying to keep everything down low.” Seth explained. “Bythorne is the same; though you can be a bit more…open with talking about those things here than you can in Mandela.”

“I-I see.” Cesar said.

“You’re from there, right?” Seth questioned. “That’s what Sarah told me anyway.”

“…I used to live there, yeah.” Cesar answered.

“Ah.” Seth said, squinting his eyes slightly. “I’ve always hated that cesspool. Nothing but…death. Death, pain, and police who don’t care about the people they’re supposed to protect.”

“Heh…you…you got something against Mandela, huh?” Cesar smiled slightly.

“I…grew up there.” Seth said. “…Wouldn’t say it was much of a childhood, but I stayed there until I was old enough to leave.”

“I always felt…weird about Mandela.” Cesar said. “I…I don’t want to go back there in a million years.”

“…Well, sorry to say, kid, but you just might.”

“…What?” Cesar looked at Seth, who was staring at his feet.

“Mandela is where we get quite a few reports from.” Seth explained. “…So you might have to tag along.”

Cesar sighed, the clear worry in his face getting the attention of Seth. He sat up straight, staring at Cesar as he thought to himself.

“Cesar, I’m going to warn you,” Seth stated. “If you want to be in the BPS, you’re gonna need to be ready for anything. You may find yourself in…dangerous situations…situations that can be life or death. You need to know how to defend yourself from those…things out there, and most importantly, you need to be mentally strong. If you don’t think you can do any of those things, I’d recommend leaving now.”

Cesar remained silent, staring at Seth’s face, seeing that his eyes were cold, as if he was fully expecting Cesar to give up right there. Cesar sat still, contemplating as Seth stared at him, awaiting an answer. “I’m giving you an out, Torres.” Seth stated. “You can leave. No one will be mad at you.”

“…No.” Cesar muttered under his breath.

“…No?”

“No, I’m…I’m not just gonna leave before I even start.” Cesar continued. “I want—no—I need answers to some things that…I just can’t get out of my mind. I need to figure out…why.”

“…Why, what?”

“Why…I…saw…” Cesar trailed off, realizing he wasn’t ready to talk about his own…encounter, especially with a man that seemed to not give two shits about him. “I just need to figure things out.”

Seth remained silent for a moment, taking another hit from his cigarette, seeming surprised by Cesar’s response. “Fair enough…I suppose.” He coughed. “Just know that you can’t fool around, you hear?”

“I won’t.”

“Good. Fucking around might very well get you killed.” Seth said, standing up from the couch. Cesar heard a crack come from Seth’s knees, along with a slight grunt as he stood there for a moment, grimacing slightly.

“…You alright?” Cesar asked.

“Yeah…just…” Seth sighed deeply, walking away. “…Fucking bullshit…”

Cesar watched as Seth left the room, brushing past Sarah as she came back with the camera. She watched him leave before looking back At Cesar, quickly walking back to the couch. “Sorry about that, I had to look through one of the boxes for this.” Sarah said, placing the camera on the table.

“Oh…no problem.” Cesar said.

“Did…Seth say anything rude to you?” Sarah asked.

“Huh? Oh…no, not really.” Cesar responded. “…I don’t think.”

“Good…” Sarah said. “I’m just…tired of him threatening new members.”

Cesar looked towards the hallway Seth left through, sighing deeply as he thought to himself. He started wondering if he was really going to get answers for his plight in the BPS, or if he really was putting himself in danger like Seth mentioned. He had been haunted by questions for as long as he had lived in Bythorne, none of which getting any answers. Who knew; maybe Seth would end up warming up to him, as unlikely as it appeared. Until that day however, Cesar was going to be careful. The last thing he needed was to get shot.

#shmorp writes sometimes #tmc #mandela catalogue #tmc alternate au #Cesar Torres (alt au)#sarah heathcliff #Seth greer (tmc)#no warnings for this one.#haha another fic within a week of the last one. didn’t expect that one did ya #yeah. Seth and Cesar may be close later on but. it absolutely didn’t start that way #not as proud of this as the last two but I think that’s because it wasn’t really planned #i just started writing this out one time for shits and giggles #either way. here it is. the dudes. all the bps guys together

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