#i know thats a loaded topic but my family loved me enough at the very least to not force that on me

[hebimoonlightwrites]

hello there dear! i’m new to tumblr, and i never knew there were such sweet people like you writing wonderful scenarios w/ hypnosis mic characters for everyone! as i was reading through your content, i could tell through your writing that you are very passionate about writing, and you seem like a very kind individual!

i really liked the kind of request that neru-anon requested, i hope its ok if i try this as well! ill try to keep everything brief, as im not a super interesting person to begin with- Σ੧(❛□❛✿)

my name is ryusei, which contains the kanji for flow, 流 and star, 星. i go by she/they (whichever is fine!) and i’m currently 20, and studying music and psychology! im a rather quiet person, but i’ll always be willing to lend an ear if anyone wants to chat/vent! i’m very overprotective in a way thats not too conspicuous, and very loyal to anyone who calls me their friend. in contrast to that, i can hold myself well in a fight, and i’m surprisingly physically strong, but just get tired super quickly… (my stamina is… well… not good) i like smiling, but it’s difficult to express my facial emotions well, so i usually wear a mask in public. i’m an adaptable person, but i get overwhelmed easily, especially when there are too many numbers… i have asd, bpd, and ocd, and there was a point in my teenage years where that severely impacted my social life and academics, so i always like to keep my guard up, but i like to talk a lot so i end up saying too much sometimes-! i have a couple friends, but i’m not a “people person” i guess.

i enjoy listening to a wide range of music and i really love artists like Atarashii Gakko!, 周深 (his voice is so soothing!), (G)I-DLE, Ichiko Aoba, vocaloid, and Hypmic music! you can check them out if you’d like, they’re all very talented musicians/singers!

i’d rather not go into my family affairs too much, as my parents don’t have a healthy relationship with each other which affected my brother and i, so we don’t talk much now. but my younger brother (as chaotic as he may be) is important to me.

i won’t go into my panic attacks too much as i know this topic may be triggering for some people, but they’re usually hard to spot, and people other than me usually can’t tell because of my quietness.

i really like cats! i’d like to own one myself in the future, maybe when i can take care of myself better ヽ(；▽；)ノ i visit cat cafes when i visit japan sometimes, although im not as fluent as a local, its enough for me to book time slots for cat cafes at least!

when i’m in a bad mood, i lash out and break down easily at people, so i have a tendency to self isolate sometimes.

i like… a lot of foods! i don’t like fruit, insects (both in food and in general),and extravagant stuff though… i like coffee with loads of sugar… haha… i dont get drunk easily but im not too fond of alcohol… maybe cocktails but not super bitter stuff. i can withstand smoke but i don’t smoke myself.

i don’t care too much about clothing, but i want to look presentable at least. i do like cute clothes, but i usually go with super minimalistic/vintage clothes.

i like kind people! i strive to be kind myself! i want to be able to mutually help each other with our problems! i have the power to be able to help others, and honestly helping other people is easier than figuring out what to do with my own problems. unconditional love is important to me. i have problems with self confidence, and i’m also pretty hard to read, so someone who could really understand that would be nice. my love language is… physical contact i think? i like hugging and jumping around and stuff, but i dont do that much cause im paranoid about bothering people. i like affection a lot!! i didn’t have a super affectionate family, but i like people who show they care through their actions (and sometimes maybe words?) i would honestly offer everything i have for someone who would genuinely love me, but i doubt even someone in the hypmic cast would be interested… (´；Д；`)

thank you for reading all this stuff hebi! please take care! its a bit late where i am, so i’m going to head to sleep. goodnight hebi! (_ _).｡o○

(sorry for any spelling errors TT)

Writer's corner: Hey, sweetheart! Thank you for requesting for this kind of request! I honestly really like playing Cupid's role, haha!♥ Of course the following is only mu thoughts and headcanons, so don't feel forced to think just like I do, okee~? Also, I don't know who are your favourite characters or if there's any you dislike qwq In case i chose one you don't like, please, text me so I can change him to the "second" or the "third" choice at the bottom of this post, okee? Plus, sweetheart, please let me know if there's any mistake♥ Enjoy~♥

Warnings: nothing~ safe here~

⭐𝐖𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐇𝐘𝐏𝐌𝐈𝐂 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐛𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐬/𝐨⭐

⭐Hey, sweetheart! I'm thankful for all the sweet words you told me.. qwq♥ I'm so glad that you do enjoy my writings, as I always try to do my best. My main mission is to bring a smile to people's faces, so I do hope this will bring a smile to yours as well!♥

⭐First of all I wanted to tell you that you seem a nice and amazing person, so there's not really need to be that unconfident, especially when it comes to physical affection! It's true that there are people who are introverted and maybe against PDA (like me, oof..), but as an introverted I can tell that people like you- who likes affection, hugging, smiling- are very appreciated. You can literally cheer people around you up and this is so powerful!♥ As I read your description, I don't hide the fact that I immediately thought about Matenrou and Fling Posse bois; On one hand things about you like studying psychology, being kind of unconfident, dreaming about getting some physical affection, getting easily overwhelmed and getting silent panic attacks really made me think about Matenrou and, in particular, about Doppo somehow..♥ On the other hand things like wearing minimalistic/vintage cute clothes, enjoying music, liking affection and jumping around, being a good listener, liking cats and being actually a trustful and loyal friend made me think about Fling Posse and their friendship, but especially to Gentaro and Ramuda, somehow♥ The fact that you do care a lot about your brother, the fact that you prefer helping others and try your best to be a good person, and especially, though, the fact that you are unconfident or maybe simply do not realize how nice you truly are.. well.. These things really bring me to think that you could kin Doppo- along with Gentaro and Ramuda-, somehow! BUT, we are here to find your other-half, and this isn't surely Doppo, since I do believe he is not that type of man pro to PDA and gets easily flustered.. (but.. who knows? He could get a crush on you~). Plus he's 29, so... ugh.. I know age isn't important in a couple and that love can be for everyone, but we need someone more...! We need someone who would be there for you, who would easily understand you- since you specifically said that you're "hard to be read"- and who's going to love you unconditionally. Someone who would show his affection towards you without any hesitation and problem! Someone who has interests similar to yours maybe.. who does enjoy music a lot, who enjoy food and who's protective of the ones he holds dear! Someone who can understad you fully and maybe even being that good of a partner who'd be able to get the moment when you're silently having a panic attack..

⭐..Okay.. I got my results~

⭐So.. (unless you don't like gambling..).. I feel like Dice would be a perfect first choice! We're literally talking about someone who seems dumb as f##, but it's canon that he has some serious and deep thinking moments, especially when he's alone. He looks dumb, but he's not at all. Just like you, Dice does enjoy music, as he tries to create some using "instruments" like grass or empty cans- even if it's said that he can play piano and violin, oof. Just like you, he does care a lot about his friends and he's even protective of the ones he holds dear. Dice loves his friends unconditionally- even if some could think that he's Gentaro's friend because he owes him money, Dice does actually care about him too. Plus, if he gamble, that means that he has a "not-toxic" relationship with numbers! (jk, Ryusei♥ *hugs*)

⭐So I'm sure that through his energetic and dumb-apparent look, he would be the best of a partner for you! You with your stable-life and him with his risky-life would be the perfect yin and yang. I can already imagine him randomly hugging you or simply poking your face as he notices that your mind is overthinking.. he would get that maybe you're starting to panic silently and would whisper: "Hey... u okay?", with a reassuring smile. After meeting your eyes he would simply open his arms to hug you, especially if he's certain that you need affection. Dice would try his best to cheer you up, especially when he feels like you're having a "no"-day. I can even imagine you both petting stray cats or him visiting you and holding one of your school books like: "Daaaaamn.. how can you even understand all of this?!.. It feels like blabbering!", playing the fool part only to make you chuckle. Even so, he would show how proud he is of you and how much he does really admire you. "How can you be so smart to understand that blabbering?!", Dice would exclaim only to hear your chuckle again. "I.. I like your chuckle, y'know? It's.. cute.."

⭐About the others Fling Posse's and Matenrou's members, well.. ⭐Jakurai: He could be a kind uncle/father to you. Since he's a doctor he could really take care of your "no"-moments, even also hugging you, why not? Plus I'm 100% sure he would be so proud of you for studying psychology! You're going to be one of his work colleague, one of the most amazing one, actually!♥ ⭐Hifumi: Except for those times his fear for women would be evident, he would show his support to you just as much as he does with Doppo! Hifumi is a kind-hearted man so he'd be energetic enough to drive you to be the same and you both would be great friends for sure! After some time, though, I think he would start to learn to "read" you, because he already did it with Doppo~♥ ⭐Doppo: I feel like you could kin him, as I said before. Doppo is the one who paradoxically would tell you stuff like "W-what?! But.. you're amazing, Ryusei! Don't you ever think otherwise. You cannot understand how great you are?!".. I mean.. bruh, you're just like her! But I feel like he would even usually vent in your presence or inviting you to get some coffee together, why not?♥ ⭐Ramuda: Oh... ohhh. Ramuda would be the best at showing his affection towards you, especially now that you're officially a posse~! He would jump around and hug you randomly, but I feel like you would also be there noticing his "no"-moments too♥ ⭐Gentaro: You would have a calm but intellectual relationship with him. Both of you would go to the café, wearing vintage clothes and I feel like Gentaro would appreciate your company, as your dressing style seems similar to his one. He's also a good listener, just like you, so I feel like you could even take a chance to talk to him. He would give you his "honest" advices... oof♥

Top three results:

⭐1- Dice

⭐2- Ramuda

⭐3-Doppo

©hebimoonlightwrites_tumblr Please, do not copy my contents nor repost it without my permission.

#who would be your s/o #hypnosis microphone #hypnosis mic #hypmic #hypnosis microphone fling posse #hypmic fling posse #hypnosis mic fling posse #hypnosis microphone matenro #hypmic matenro #hypmic matenrou #hypnosis mic matenrou #fling posse #matenrou #doppo kannonzaka #hifumi izanami #jinguji jakurai #ramuda amemura #dice arisugawa #gentaro yumeno

[idio-cies]

Right, I need to go on a rant because lockdown is still getting to me and I am fed up with the same comments I hear every time I allude to my sexuality (mostly ace) towards my family.

So story time: today my Nana was showing my mum about princess Gertrude or something being married in an old Ball gown of the Queen's and how it was altered a bit and as an a fly away comment of me being pedantic I said "having a wedding dress is over-rated anyway" to which my mum gave a mock shocked face saying that of course I would say something like that (My family joke about me being cold-hearted as I don't cry at sad films or books, and can just lack empathy to certain things). So I laughed to continue the joke but what I intended was that you know why a dress? Women can be married in suits or two-pieces if they wish? Like what's the fuss. Oh hell, the men could wear flounces! Also upcycling yay for the environment! So I continued, starting to say the colour, my mum saying about how my older sister will be in Ivory and I said "Come on, that's off white! But I mean Chinese get married in red" and she continued "in India they get married in all sorts of colours" and I said "exactly! Why white?" And she said before I could continue "I suppose you would get married in black" so I scrunched up my face and said "if I ever get married" and then came the usual "you might not say that as you get older" you know. That golden nugget of a line that is told to many people who are aro/ace or whatever the identify as. Some people just do not wish to be married. I also said "whats the point in having a dress you only wear once, anyway" which, as I expected was returned with "you could pass it on to your children". My mum continued saying how her best friend used to think like me and now is married and has had two children, then she left to go do something. My Nana then joined in saying how I don't want to not give my mum grandkids, to which I shrugged, she continued saying how what if my husband didn't wanted kids what would I do then? This is when I started to get mad but with this situation I always try and brush everything over considering I know from experience how things will go (will get brushed with the aforementioned comments, stereotypes etc). So I shrugged and said "well then it wasn't meant to be" in my head I was thinking what if I don't want a husband, what if I have a wife, or a partner who identifies as non-binary or genderfluid? What if I just never marry, or just live the rest of my life with my friends? What if, if I do change my mind about kids, I adopt. But I couldn't say that. My nana continued by saying "well, I guess you wouldn't marry if that was the case" and I'm just sat there stewing.

See, my problem here is that my parents certainly are more liberal, and the reason why I make jokes that allude to me being ace is because they have also made jokes about saying how they probably will never have grand kids, or that I don't go for that sort of thing and I had hope. My sister is a lesbian and they knew for ages and still love her and want the best for her, but my mum never understood why my sister was so hesitant to come out and I explained to her how people coming out always have that fear, that even if their parents or their friends are liberal, they still may not be fully accepted for who they are. Plus, my sister has had bad experiences with friends being homophobic or use her in the face of her coming out, but my mum took this explanation as me hiding something about myself.

When I had my first boyfriend a year ago my mum thought the perfect time to bring up sex would be as she placed food in front of me. I legit choked on my food and as she continued I had to tell her right there and then that I believed myself to be ace and she had nothing to worry about and she didn't understand, so I had to explain. This was the first proper time I heard her deflect that "I might change my mind". When I stayed overnight at his, my dad was teasing me asking whether I needed rubbers and kept on asking me. The thing is, it was always jokey but I'm pretty sure he was concerned. Then my sister thought more happened between him and I when he broke up with me, indicating that we probably had sex, because of how upset I was over it all. I'm pretty sure a couple of my friends thought that too. However, one of my friends said what I was thinking which was that part of the reason why he broke up with me was because I wouldn't have sex with him which was the case considering when I told him that my dad joked about getting rubbers he asked me if I did all excited and I said no with a confused expression like "we've been over this, I thought you understood" and he looked away disheartened with an "oh" thats when I think I knew this wasn't right. To be fair I should've known about "oh, so you're a celibate" and loads of other things like believing I liked something when I didn't or I wasn't sure so ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯ I was young and it was my first boyfriend so you know, I was naive. The reason why I was so broken-hearted was because I'm pretty sure it was because I was ace, and because of that I felt like I would never be loved, or respected. What's more is he tried to take advantage of my friend when they were together whilst she was drunk! So he is just a huge dickhead anyway.

Anyways, I guess for my grandparents to understand is trickier and as far as I'm aware they don't know that I said to my mum who probs told my dad that I'm ace. I always get told that they won't change. My grandad I think still believes my sister isn't fully gay by the fact that he refuses to say "girlfriend" and also slander her girlfriend a bit, and he never believed she showed signs, though why should that matter if she "showed signs"? And my Nana said she did and is a little more accepting of my sister's girlfriend (btw, this is not my older sister who is getting married). I hate being told that people who are older (especially my grandparents) won't change their minds or see things differently. I don't understand how people can go through life like that? But I guess that's because I'm a more open-minded person who makes sure I have several perspectives on certain things.

The thing now though is that I'm scared that I'm under the category of ace where the stereotype is that I'm a robot because I lack empathy and am cold-hearted and such. I know that for my Nana and also for my Nanny that they ended up abandoning their careers for the sake of raising a family and for me, that just feels like an epic loss. I also think that my grandparents first impression of my mum was not approving as she had a baby when she was 20 out of wedlock and had an abusive partner.

After this spiel, if you are still with me, I just want to let you know that this is life is complicated. Heck, I even queried about my best friend being ace, but I think that is because I never thought someone so close to me could have the same feelings about that topic and also because I am constantly questioning myself, probably because I have had "oh, you may change your mind when you're older" most of my life. Oh, I know I could, but for what feels my entire life (when I gained consciousness of myself and was making choices for myself without having this stereotyped life conditioned in my brain) was that I never personally want to have kids. Ever. I understand I may change my mind and if I do I will adopt because I would like to think that I could make a child's life better, and also we have a dense enough population as it is. I do not care if I have a partner with me in my life. I can quite easily get by independently in life. I'm not adverse to having a partner, whoever/whenever/and whatever status it may be.

What I find hilarious though is that I'm very nonchalant about my sexuality, but I do not wish to tell my gay sister that I am queer on some scale. She has had too many run-ins of me slipping to say that I'm not straight or my friend legit said a joke about how my hair is as straight as me (it's curly) because I have made that joke around her before about myself. TERRIFIED. She has jokingly confronted me about it as well and I remained nonchalant as I always do.

So I guess what I'm trying to say that even though people can be liberal in mind, it is always tricky to tell your family and (after stereotypes and assumptions have been placed on me) friends. I have even had a friend who told me that basically I wasn't ace sinply because I didn't know how to answer him in something related to do with sex. I AM ALMOST 19, I DO NOT HAVE MY LIFE FIGURED OUT. I AM STILL QUESTIONING MY OWN EXISTENCE LET ALONE MY SEXUALITY/ORIENTATION.

I would love to go through my life with no labels whatsoever. Whether I'm female, that I'm ace, or that I'm most likely pan. I've always been weird with labels. I simply do not care about that, but I also care about it too much. I do not want societal pressure to tell me that I need a partner in my life, that I need to have children in order to be happy and be worth something. That is not what makes a life. I want people to understand this, especially my family, but I'm afraid they won't even if they are aware that they know it's not for all people. The life I want is to be with the people I love and I can trust and engage with. That I am successful and can stand up for who and what I believe in. So this is my message to people out there. Take all the time in the world to discover who you are. Whether you prefer labels for it or not. To not let societal pressure get to you too much. I know it's hard and the nature of the world and its people are complex, but please be true to yourself and I'm sure you will find your people and your way in life.

#this has been a milly spiel #lgbtqa+ #ace #asexual #asexuality #life #im sorry this is so long #story time #life is not easy #personal

[ftpthemovement]

Comfort or calling? Stop stalling it’s time to ride.

God doesn’t place a calling in your heart and not give you the ability to see it through. Are you choosing comfort or your calling?

Last week I was seeking God to inquire him about a word he gave me a few months ago revolving around FTP. Most people don’t know, but we are closing in on the last few months of our lease here in Kennesaw, and the word he gave me was in reference to what the furture would hold for us. When I asked, I wasnt given a direct answer, so I expressed a lack of assurance to close friends and members of FTP. Since the inception of FTP, God has always given a clear vision of what was to come, and this was the first time where there wasn’t a direct clear cut direction or instruction on what we were supposed to be doing. So I went walking in solitude spending time with God and he began to speak to me.

Often times when God talks to me the most, Its during these times where I’m walking with him in a remote location free from distractions and any input, or out side interference. On this particular day, God placed it on my heart that it was time to uproot myself from Kennesaw Georgia, and move to Las Vegas Nevada to do his will. Cause you know, that’s super normal and all 😂

At first I felt very worried because it’s moving across the nation to a place I don’t know, surrounded by people I also don’t know, to places I’ve never been before in my life. Automatically, my first inclination is to worry. Yet God choose to remind me of a word he sent me around a year ago, when he said, “I’m bringing a raging river to dry sands.” I quickly remembered that I used to walk around a repeat it daily, often times I still do; but I never really understood it until recently. On September 6th, I saw the post come up on Facebook, Circa Sept 6, 2019. Exactly a year later, God was reaffirming his word from exackty year ago, and it lined up perfectly with the message he had just given me! Guess you would have to be there to know the full gravity of the situation, but let’s just say it was all the confirmation I would ever need.

But, in the process of such a massive transition, you obviously have to iron out a few wrinkles with such an undertaking. So, I immediately reached out to Alex and Jordan, who are very close brothers and members of FTP to ask them what they thought. Amazingly enough, they not only supported it, but they felt lead to deployed there as well! Talk about faith in action! I really don’t think you could ask for more than that. God says go, thier answer figuratively speaking was, “Say when.” It’s literally the coolest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

Obviously all of our intentions are there, but this is when the opposition likes to creep in. See, technically we are still here until the lease is up. We have to manage to somehow raise funding, continue expanding discipleship, and elect overseers to continue our work here in Georgia, while we expand to the west as God has instructed. In the middle we could come up with a number of excuses, fears, doubt, insecurities, distractions, and opposing opportunities in the process. Hence why the topic up top is, “Are you choosing your comfort, or your calling?”

Up until yesterday when I would think about the transition I would start asking questions that I think any sane, logical, rational person would ask. Stuff like, “Where are we going to stay?” “Are we shutting down the businesses we run?” “How do we all manage to uproot multiple families and make it work?” “Where will we work, etc.“ “Where will the resources come from to help make the transition happen?”

Now, everything isn’t complete, but the Lord has already answered about 90% of these questions, and in the coming months we are going to reveal the plan God has placed in motion, and we hope that you share in the vision and take the opportunity in helping be apart of Gods work! But, for now this is where God calls his followers to have faith, and to be prepared to put that faith in action by trusting that he will create the way to see it to completion!

Sounds tough, and it is! Yet, he specifically reminded me of one answer he gave that changed the complete trajectory of all of my thoughts. A question so imperative, that it shifted everything Ive ever known when it comes to following God. What’s that question you might ask?

The question was, “If I choose to stay and not go, would you be mad at me?”

Even reading the question as I’m writing it, it sounds loaded. But in the loving grace that only my Heavenly Father could answer in, I got a peaceful “No.” So, God is calling me to go do his will, but if I don’t go, he won’t be mad at me? Hmm..... I felt a prompting in my spirit to ask God another question. “If I don’t go, can I be just as successful here doing your will as I would be there?” He gracefully and calmly replied, “No.”

“So, if I go I’ll be more successful than if I stay, why wouldn’t I go?” I had a lot of answers to that question. It’s probably one the easiest list I could ever come up with. Because of job security, comfort, and fear. Because of being rooted in what I’ve grown accustom to on a daily basis. All of the things I take for granted that would simply disappear if i choose to be obedient. If you really think about it for awhile there’s sooo much stuff that I could list, and go on and on about. As I sat there and thought about every excuse in the book, God blessed me with a wave of insight that came crashing down on me, saturating me with love, insight, revelation and understanding. If you made it this far, stick around because I’m about to share it with you.

🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁

God showed that I can be saved, be doing good works, and still be far outside of his intended will for my life....

Listen.... It’s the times that God asks for obedience, yet we choose to shrink back from it. You might understand examples like, “God telling you to say something to someone, but your scared to do it so you shrink back. Or, you know you should have done something in a particular situation but looking back would have handled it a million different ways, but froze up. All those are good examples, but imagine that times 100 million, it’s that deep of a revelation.

What God revealed is that often time we will ask Him questions, and he will answer them in accordance to the condition of our hearts. Re read that slow 5 times and meditate on it.

Jesus often times does similar in scripture, by answering people’s questions with a question first, to reveal the motive of there hearts. What God was showing me was that when we ask him questions, we often times ask out of good intentions, but it’s filtered through our intended desires. We ask with intentions on receiving what we want the response to be. Let’s slow it down cause it’s really heavy. It means we aren’t really seeking his will, but instead, we are seeking what we want his will to align with it.

This means when asking God, we can have all the best intentions in the world of serving God, but when we ask him for something, we are asking it for self, and he graciously and lovingly gives us the desires of our hearts. But if your hearts will, even though being good, isn’t what’s God wants for your life, is it a life worth living? It may appear to be good, you claim it’s for his kingdom, but if it’s not the mission he’s called you to....?

Walk with me bro...

How many of you have seen visions in your head from God, or felt a prompting in your heart to expand in ways you can’t even fathom, but then you quickly rationalize every excuse of why it can’t happen for you, and you write it off as a day dream How many times have you asked God for something but if it doesn’t happen how you wanted it to, or expected it to, you start questioning if you have unresolved sin, or if you did something not pleasing to God. How many of you reading this are weighed down by your past decisions in life, and they hauntingly become the excuses of your future?

God literally loves you enough, to bless you, save you, bring you into heaven, and you still not have lived the life he had intended for you. Most people I’ve met say, “Well everything happens for a reason, and God allowed x______ to happen to learn from it, so I don’t consider it a mistake. Yet they refuse to take ownership of truthfully considering if they were choosing their will or his!

God meets you where you are, when you turn to him, then He gives you beauty for your ashes. Things happen because you choose his way or your way, second by second day by day. When you’re on track and fully submitted to his will, you will live how he wants you to live. When you choose your will, and realize what you’re doing is wrong, he meets you where you are at. When you turn from your way, (aka repentance) Thats when he puts you back on the right path.

When you take ownership you realize, you can’t be focused on fear and faith at the same time. You’re going to choose one or the other daily. Several times God gives orders in scripture, man choose his own way, and he meets them where they are at. It’s literally the whole entire book. Man chooses flesh, God sets them straight, repeat. God tells Isreal do this, they don’t do it, they repent, he blesses them. You think he wanted them to mess up? No! He wants to bless them, but just as we do, we pursue our own ways, and then ask God to bless them.

Long segway, but I hope it was useful. Point is, how many times have you been given a vision, or felt the feeling and didn’t act? In my experience, JUST MY PERSONAL experience, everything God calls me to do, is wildly uncomfortable, and he always places me in a positions that my faith is required to go further than my flesh has ever been capable of. Meaning, God gives me visions that I cannot complete on my own, that I have to overcome fear, walk in faith, and be wildly dependent on him to complete the mission. Period.

So, what calling has you placed on your heart that you haven’t been listening to? Are you so far past having them that you don’t even ask God anymore? Are you just focused on, watch over my family, help me make it through this work day, get a decent spot at the mall, next promotion, and don’t let me get stuck in traffic?

Or is it, God you know what I’m going through, if you would just give me a sign, I’ll do whatever you tell me? But, then you don’t read the Bible enough to realize, he’s already given you the sign, your mission, purpose and calling, and you would just rather wait on magic to drop from the sky, settling for comfort and complacent over sacrifice and obedience?

Come on bro!! Excuses are void in the kingdom of heaven, act like you knew! Don’t be the guy who gets so far off path that you say you believe, but don’t seek Gods will daily, so you walk around professing God, but living nothing like what he’s called you to live. You’re better than that.

So, what’s the answer to this ridiculously long blog?

Fully submit yourself to Gods will daily, no matter how crazy it may seem to others. Use me as an example if you need to. If you know me, I’m not the trophy boy for exceptional Christian. I’m what most churches would call a heretic, a false profit, or lost in sin. Yet, all I eat sleep and breathe is doing Gods will daily. My point is, people will always have an opinion, even the people who thought they were closest to God, killed his son, and the prophets who came before him! Christ rebelled against their man made religion, called them a brood of vipers, prob some more stuff, and then went on to reveal love, care, generosity, forgiveness, and compassion! A little different example than what they had set. He goes on to show mercy trumps sacrifice, and forgiveness and love conquers all. He literally displayed the example of what it means to be his disciple for all to see, when he picked up his cross, took on the sin of judging hypocrites, and said “Father forgive them, they know not what they do!”

Yet in this world, being a true disciple is a stumbling block for most religious people. It’s the very ones who claim to know him the most, that continuously persecute his elect. So, if you don’t look like mans religious church, and you don’t look like the world, you might just find that your walking on the narrow path with Jesus, that he himself said very few will find.

So don’t choose the ways of the world and they will hate you. Don’t seek to align yourself with mans religious customs and narrow viewpoint, they will hate you too.

For they fear what they don’t know, and kill what they can’t understand. Blind guides, full of judgment, an outward display of selfish insecurity, masquerading itself as righteousness. They’ve been judging themselves their whole life, because it is all they’ve known to do. Some past judgment on the world, others understand the word enough that they don’t pass judgment on the world, but comprehend the word enough to pass judgment on the church. Yet when they do so its a perversion, because they do not know love, so they lack the truth. They themselves can’t even look in the mirror and love themselves, so they cannot rightly ever loves others! When they look in the mirror they see sin and not their savior. So they outwardly reflect their shortcomings onto others. Claiming to be free, yet they tie a burdensome yoke onto others that they themself cannot carry, because they have skeletons they cannot bury. Depraved bunch in high positions, appearing to be Shepard’s, but they are like chaff in the wind, being thrown to and fro, judgment to judgment. If the words I speak aren’t from God himself, then let this day be held in account for all to see, so that the motives of my heart be displayed for all to bear witness.

Take the time to seek his will, and you to will find yourself on a similar path. But in this walk of righteousness remember, God won’t place a calling in your heart and not give you the ability to see it through. You just have to have the courage to bring it to fruition.

So in closing, are you choosing comfort or your calling? Search your heart man of GOD, the end has yet to come. Will you have the courage to follow his will? Fear is for the fire lake, be bold and courageous, you’ve been called to go and spread the good news of the gospel, baptize in the name of The Father, The Son, and the Holy Spirit! You have been commissioned!

Stop looking for the approval of man, and rest assure in your approval and right standing in God through Christ, who sacrificed everything for you to be set free! Let God himself be the only judge you consider in your pursuit of his calling. Go to where the pastors don’t preach, and where the teachers won’t teach. Go be a light in dark in the dark, a city on a hill for all to see. Stop settling for tradition, and go complete Gods mission! May his spirit rage inside of you, calling you to relentless actions of faith, being bold as to laugh in the face of fear, and courageously walk out your destiny. God be with you always even until the end of this age. Don’t do, be. because you already are.

From the front lines, -ES

#ftpthemovement #eliasstrategos

[haikyuu-and-more-haikyuu]

For your Tsukkiyama friendship head canon. What is Tsukki’s reaction to finding out Yamaguchi eats alone most nights and is basically poor. Is Yamaguchi up front about it or ashamed? How about when they grow up and are in high school? Is Yamaguchi family financial situation better or are there still struggles?

Thanks for the comment :D It makes my day! LONG POST COMING UP ;)

I have some HC about the Yamaguchi Family. 

Yamaguchi Kanami divorced from Tadashi’s father before Yama was born. He was just not good for neither of her and Kanami didn’t want to bring in her unborn baby to a man that didn’t want anything to do with him. She has it much better without them, Tadashi too. 

Kanami got pregnant at a young age, when she had just started uni. She had to drop out, but managed to get work afterwards. Also, she and Tadahsi lived in a pretty small apremtnemt together. They had to pull out their futons each night and sleep next to each other in the common room (search Clannad, Tomoya apartment).

Before she divorced, she worked as a home-nurse (those who help disabled, old etc people at home or nursing homes.) and one office job. 

I imagine they lived in Osaka or Tokyo before they moved. Kanami got a promotion for her office job in Sendai and she and Tadashi packed their things and moved to Miyagi. 

They got a bigger apamrntet. Two bedrooms, for the first time in his life, Tadashi had his own room. Kanami had to lie with him every night for two weeks before he managed to sleep by himself. 

Kanami takes on a lot of evening and late night shift, sometimes even night shifts if money is tight or she want’s to earn a little bit more, becuse they pay more than just regular hours. Her office job pays ok, she wishes it was more. But as for now, they managed just fine. 

Also, I feel like since Yamaguchi and his mother were so close when he was little, they are still very close when he grow up and reach adolescence. Of course they argue and such, that is what family do. But Tadashi never brings up his living conditions as an argument. He understands that for them to be able to  live like they do now, his mother has to work like she does. it sucks sometimes. especially since she sometimes have to work on important days like his birthday, or holidays. He grows up, and maybe he gets a part time job in the end of junior high or even at Shimadas shop to make it easier. As Kanami said, Tadashi is too easy to deal with sometimes. 

It does get better. Eventually. Kanami gets promoted at her office job, but still works as a home-nurse. But she isn't so tired and has a little  more time for her son. They stay in the small apartment, because they both feel  like that is their home. And getting help from the Tsukishima’s helped too. She is not so stressed over Tadashi’s well being when he is home alone- because he will always be at his best friends house when he would be alone home. It’s rescuing that he has someone other than her when she can’t be there for him. 

Now, to the actual ask :D

Yamaguchi’s and Tsukishima’s friendship started small. They would pair up in Volleyball practice, spend lunch together and walk to and from school- meeting at an intersection were their paths crossed. 

It wasn’t until a week after the bully-incident, that the topic of dinner came. 

“We are going to have pork curry. I love it.” Tsukishima said. While they approached the the intersection. 

“Thats sound good.” Yamaguchi said, looking up at his friend. “I am just going to have instant noodles since Ka-chan are working late.”

“Do-do you eat alone often?” 

Yamaguchi nodded. And that was all it took. Suddenly, Yamaguchi was being dragged the other way, away from his home. He tried to get his friend to stop, but Tsukki was too tall for him to have any impact. I don’t want to be an intrusion. Yamaguchi had muttered once they approached a big house. It looked like a small castle. You are not, I am sure of it. 

“Oka-san, Tou-san, Tadaima.” Tsukishima had yelled out load into the big house.  

A lady, with a long bob came out from what Tadashi though was the common room. She smiled warmly at them, although she looked a little surprised to have a guest. Kei, is this your friend? Yamaguchi stepped forwards body trembling. He managed to choke out his name and a decent greeting of his name. He bowed for the woman. 

“Yamaguchi was going to eat noodles for dinner since his mother aren't home.”

“Well, then. Nice to meet you, Yamaguchi-kun.” She smiled warmly at him. Dinner would be ready in half an hour. As the thirty minutes wen buy, Kei showed him his room. It was big, filled with books, dinosaurs and other toys. A big bed and even a big desk and a small table. They started their homework, but in the middle of it; they were called for dinner. 

Yamaguchi walked slowly down the stairs, behind Tsukishima. “Where is Nii-Chan?” He asked. Tsukshima’s anaki was still at practice and would be home later. His father had arrived and greeted him politely too. Yamaguchi greeted him back and sat beside Tsukishima.

They talked about school and Yamaguchi explained that his mother worked a lot and wasn’t much home when he were. But it was okay, since Ka-chan works hard for the both of us. Not entirely knowing the weight of those words. It caused the Tsukishima’s parents to glance at each other, but Mrs. Tsukishima gave him another serving of pork curry when he finished his first plate. It was really good. Much better than microwave ready food. 

By the time Yamaguchi needed to get home, Akiteru had come home too. The oldest boy ruffled his hair as Tsukishima drowned him in questions about his practice and more. Akiteru was really tall! And nice too. Yamaguchi got the see an ace!

Just when he was about to go out of the door, Mrs. Tsukishima came out. “Yamaguchi-kun, you can come and eat with us everyday if you want to.”

“I-I don’t have to, since it yours food and all that.” he stammered back, but beside him; Tsukishima agreed with his mother. 

“Don’t worry about that, Yamaguchi, but if it’s okay for your mother; just come by whenever.” She too gave his hair a small ruffle and smiled to warmly at him. “It’s a pleasure to have you here. Every friend of Kei is welcome here.” 

And then it was set. Each day Tsukishima would ask if his mother was home or not, and if she weren’t, Tadashi would eat with them. The two of them spent the rest of the day doing homework, trying to get Akiteru to play volleyball with them if he was up to it and playing in Kei’s room. 

Sometimes Kanami would walk over and get Tadashi when it was time to go home of the evening and bring a small gift for the family. Mrs. Tsukishima tells her every time that she doesn’t need to; but you are there for my son when I can’t be, so this is the least I could do for you. 

Tsukishima slowly understood that Yamaguchi’s life was a lot different from his own when the months went buy. Yamaguchi told him that his clothes were mostly bought used at stores or hand me downs. Kanami, always looked a little tired and worn out, but was kind to the both of them. 

One evening, he went up to his own parents and asked; why can’t Tadashi and his mother live in a house like ours when she works two jobs? His parent places at each other, weighing their words. 

“Yamaguchi-san loves and cares for Tadashi really well, and she does it all alone too; which can be hard at times.”

“Kei, Yamaguchi-san works hard for Tadashi-kun, but-but still, sometimes different types of jobs don’t pay the same; but that doesn't mean she cares any less than someone who has a bigger apartment. Do you understand?”

“I think I do.” 

Tsukishima didn’t understand right way, but  a few years later he did understand more. He understood that Yamaguchi barley saw his grandparents. He received a card on his birthday. Traveling was expensive and their apartment had little room for sleep over guests. Yamaguchi would spend most weekdays at Kei’s after school, since Kanami was working so much. Tsukishima could see that his friend missed his mother, a lot. And he could see that Kanami misses her boy too. But he hoped that the small make shift family they provided him were enough. 

When he would grow out of his volleyball shoes, Yamaguchi went back to the shoes provided from the school until Kanami could afford new ones. Tsukishima stopped using his brothers old shoes when he got out of elements school and each time he needed knew one; his parents could provide it for him and new ones would be bough in a few days. 

It was privilege, Tsukishima understood after a few years. He were simply more privilege than Yamaguchi, but he never though less of his friend becuse of that.

But Tsukishima respect Kanami for the life she has created for Tadashi and herself. He is loved, cared for and she support him in every way possible. Despite being busy, their home is warm and homey. There is always food in the fridge and more for Tadashi. It’s easy to see where Tadashi got his values and kindness from, because it came from a woman that knew the value of family. 

Hope you liked it. Actually, the asks box is open for all kinds of asks and prompts about Haikyuu!! Feel free to send more :)

#haikyuu!! #haikyuu #HQ #Tsukishima #Tsukiyama #tsukishima kei #Tsukishima x Yamaguchi #yamaguchi #yamaguchi tadashi #tsuki!yama AU

[michaelreaderreblog]

My truemate pt4

Catch up here>>> PartOne , PartTwo , PartThree

Word Count: 2,161

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Dean and Sam both startle at your sudden outburst and back away slowly. You begin to sob as you stay seated on the floor

“All I ever wanted him is to stop, thats all I asked for is to stop but he didnt, he kept going and never stopped” You say as you let out a shaky breath at the same time sobbing, you begin to let loose and have your legs fall to the floor.

Dean sees that as a sign to move closer to you and when he sees you dont resist he takes you into his arms and holds you while you sob against his chest.

“At the restaurant or in your dream?” Sam asks while he wipes the tears away from your face along with the sweat from your forehead while Dean still has his hold on you.

You sit there motionless and just feeling tired to do anything or even say a single word. You sleep in the embrace of your brothers arms and when he is ready to place you back on your bed

“Sleep with me please” You say in a hushed tone sounding so little pleading with one of your brothers to sleep with you for the night just like when you were just a pup after having a nightmare.

“Sure thing kiddo, sure thing” Dean says while he lifts you and places you on the bed, after he crawls in next to you still has his arms around you.

He kisses the top of your head while nodding to Sam he has you for the night and he turns to kiss you at the top of your head as well.

“Night baby girl, love you” Sam says while you mumble sweet nothings back knowing all to well that he didnt hear you.

Sam walks away from the both of you and walks out to close the door behind him, you sleep soundlessly without having a single dream as you know Dean is the one who is sleeping with you to keep the monsters at bay.

“Michael what are you going to do man?” Benny asks him while he goes around the restaurant to see if there are still anything left behind from his employees.

“I dont know Benny, the way she felt and looked so completely terrified to even look at me” He says looking to Benny feeling completely helpless.

“Give her some time, Im pretty sure that she scented you to as well. In the mean time she will be ok since she has two alpha brothers to keep an eye on her” Benny says from the kitchen putting a few things away.

“Doesnt Dick know that he is going to be in a shit load of trouble after all of this?” He asks looking to Benny while he comes back into the dining area where Michael is seated near by the kitchen.

“Dick is Dick you should know that, he doesnt think like that. He was raised in a

traditional home full of Alphas and Betas thinking that they can do whatever they want with an Omega and they think of them as nothing other than a hole to fuck” Benny looks to Michael and feels extremely uncomfortable talking about a person like that but thats how he thinks of Richard Roman and his family.

“Thank god he isnt in office or else this town would go down in flames” He says looking away from Benny and looking out into the empty streets of Kamloops.

“Thats what Im most grateful for and very damn happy your father is in office with his beliefs in Omega rights. Speaking of Omega how is Castiel these days? I havent seen him in a while” Benny asks while getting away from the topic of Dick and into more of a neutral conversation.

“Castiel has been good but he hardly goes anywhere. Mother fears for him knowing how some people are around here and I do to but I am willing to hang out with him since we are more closer even after” Michael cuts himself from going any further about talking about his family and Benny knows all to well what has happened over the past couple of years with the Cuthberts.

A couple of years ago after Castiel presented as Omega after one of his heats he decided it would be a good idea to meet up with friends in the square. What ended up happening was he got taken from the streets of Kamloops and taken to a warehouse found himself tied to a chair.

He was well enough to get his phone from his pocket to text Lucifer who is their older brother, an emergency text and mentioned he was in some warehouse. Luc knew where to find his baby brother after reminding Castiel to turn on the GPS on his phone. 

Michael was away in school during the time he got abducted. Lucifer took matters into his own hands to save his brother from his abductees, he climbed the fire escape to get into the warehouse surveyed the area to make sure no one was around to spot him.

When he got to the room Castiel was being tied up in, he heard three sets of foots steps coming towards him. He unlocked the door with the bobby pins he had in his pockets, opened the door to close it behind him, Castiel wasnt aware his older brother was in the room now. He went straight for Castiel and undid the rope that bound him to the chair as fast as he could to get them both out of the warehouse. He woke up and began to resist Lucifer.

“Hey hey its me Im going to get us out of here” He says to his baby brother and luckily he complies to his response. Right when he undid the very last rope is when the three men came walking into the room, Lucifer threw Castiel to the side of the room while the three men attacked him.

He gave it his all when he was fighting off the three alpha's and yelled to Castiel to get out of the warehouse as fast as he could without turning back but he was hesitant to leave his older beloved brother behind. When one of the men were about to come for Castiel is when he kicked him in the groin, he got up as fast as he could to run out of the room and down the hall to run out of the warehouse.

When he got outside and ran straight for Lucifer's car is when he got in, started it and drove away. He made it just minutes away from the warehouse and called the police to let them know what had happened. When the police arrived at the scene they only made one arrest while the other two made a run for it, one of the officers brought back Castiel to identify a body and to his shock it was his brother Lucifer.

He felt completely numb at the sight in front of him, when the paramedics took his lifeless form away from him is when he frantically pulled away from the officer to see his brother again to make sure he was only sleeping but the officer held him and repeatedly told him he is gone and he died saving him. Castiel couldnt help but feel it was all his fault his older brother wasnt with him anymore, blamed his biology for the cause of his brothers death and everything else he blamed himself for.

If he had just stayed home like his brother said in the beginning until the scent of his heat went away than none of this would have happened. He would have been going home with his brother but that wasnt going to happen. All throughout the years he has spent so many of them locked away in his room replaying the events over and over again. If he wasnt in his room he would be locked away in his brothers old room going through all of his belongings even at times his parents would find him wearing his clothes but would never say anything to him.  

When Michael came home and saw how Castiel was he so badly wanted to take him away from the guilt and have everything unto him but he would always tell him

“I dont want you to carry around this guilt, this hate” He didnt like how his brother was until he brought up the idea of having him move with him to Portland, at first Chuck and Naomi werent so keen on the idea of having their youngest son moving away from home.

Until it was Chuck who decided it would be a great idea for Castiel to be away from home for a while and stop thinking about the death of his brother and son. After two years Michael has graduated from his construction program while Castiel went for a graphic design program and finished the program online.

“You should bring him by sometimes, would like to see him” Benny says looking to him with a smile on his face.

“Yeah Im pretty sure he would like that” He says looking away from Benny to take a sip from his coffee which almost reminded him of you but wasnt fresh enough.

“Now about this girl, you sure she is your true mate? Dont get me wrong Im pretty sure she is a delight but what about Anna?” Benny asks as he comes back to the table after he locked the front entrance and turned on the closed sign.

“I will deal with Anna, she always said how much she believed in true mates. She told me once she will let me go if mine ever came along but that was years ago when she told me that” He says putting his cup of coffee down.

“Thats what I mean, look you got to talk to her and at the same time get the new girls name at least and see what will take from there. I am rootin for ya Michael really I am but deal with the most obvious before anyone gets hurt. Alright?” Benny says to him and they both get up from the table to walk through the kitchen to exit the back of the restaurant to head home for the night.

“The girls name is Y/n Winchester, her brother Sam introduced himself along with her after I got rid of Dick” Michael says looking to Benny.

“Beautiful name for a beautiful girl. I hope she reports his ass, I am pretty sure everyone else will come forward when they hear about this” Benny says while finishing off his coffee and Michael does the same.

Michael needed to get a lot of things out of the way before he could even see you again. He got into his truck to head home to Anna who is a Beta he met in college,  he really thought he was going to marry her to spend the rest of his life with her until he saw you and that all changed once he caught your scent.

He got out of his truck to walk up the drive to get to the door to unlock it and go inside the house. He went to the kitchen to grab himself a beer from the fridge when he heard Anna coming down the stairs.

“Hey, its after midnight. Benny have you throw out a customer again?” She asks coming to him to give him a peck to his lips.

“Yeah, Dick was being a dick of course. He groped this woman as she was walking in with her brothers an Omega. She was so deathly afraid to even look at me she stood hidden behind her brother Sam” Michael says walking away from Anna to sit at the table.

“Did she call the police? Or did anyone call the police?” She asks following the same as Michael did to the table.

“No, no one called the police, and I dont know if she did when they got home.” said Michael

“I could just feel the fear she was giving off, I just wanted to move her brother out of the way and comfort her until she stopped shaking or at least until the fear went away” He continues

Anna looks surprised to even hear what he is saying. They both end the conversation and head up the stairs to the room that they share and get to bed.

Dean is the one who rises early, he looks to your sleeping form all curled up beside him

“So cute just like when you were four” He whispers as he gets up from the bed, you heard what he had said and that brought a smile to your face once he walked out of the room. He meets Sam in the hallway

#reader insert #dean winchester #sam winchester #sister winchester #a/b/o dynamics #alpha!dean #alpha!sam #omega!reader #omega!castiel #michael #lucifer #chuck #benny lafitte #anna milton #alpha!michael #supernatural!au #supernatural #au #michael x anna #benny x andrea #dick roman

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully. 

#tf when youre your own therapist #hah yeah thanks tumblr for being my digital diary #cringey enough and private enough it may as well never be read by anyone #but still if some crazy dumbass read it all theyd know me all too god damn well #but its not like...anyone ive mentioned will ever fucking read it. even consider to #aka #if you stumble past this #i guess you can assume its not abt you #ugh #this didnt even help that much #time to try option c #ignore everything and numb it with some rad youtbe videos for another 4 hrs and crash asleep at 5 am and everything continues to be bad #but like bad tomorrow #sorry this was a vent post #a very long one over 6000 words #i am SO sorry if youre on mobile and the readmore didnt work

[enjoyyoursundays]

With the whole “new year, new me,” business that comes along with the new year, I thought I would throw some ideas your way and give you a little peak into my everyday healthy eating tips! I know eating healthy can be expensive but I feel like knowing when to splurge on certain things and also knowing when to loosen the reigns with yourself are vital to success in the kitchen.

When I tend to cook, I always end up cooking something healthy. Even if its pasta, I’ll throw a veggie in the sauce or have veggie/whole grain pasta. It’s the smallest changes that make the biggest difference. There are certain things that I don’t believe in which are taking supplements, (besides protein if I don’t plan to eat enough that day or something) taking multivitamins because I’m not at the age yet where I’m in need of them, its usually geared toward someone who needs extra joint support or just an extra boost of health, and the biggest thing I’m against: cleansing. If you think draining your body of “toxins” is going to magically make you healthy then I suggest you look more into it. Sweat out your toxins in the gym, everything in moderation and eat your veggies, simple as that.

Now, I am no where near a professional and I have no training in discussing this topic besides one college class about nutrition that I don’t remember anything from #college. 

Anyway, here are my fav healthy tips/things I implement in my everyday routine:

Drink your fruits and veggies! Something that I do everyday is make a smoothie. I usually don’t switch it up very much because it’s SO GOOD. Look for the recipe at the bottom! Now, if you’re like me and can’t eat fruit just by itself more than once a day, meaning for example, you can’t have an orange for breakfast and then a banana later and a handful of grapes. I don’t know if that makes sense but I would rather drink my fruits and veggies and then add them additionally to my food throughout the day instead of eating them by themselves.

Eat a hearty breakfast…. EVERY DAY. I know a lot of people who will not even eat breakfast or just have a small piece of fruit. Breakfast is what you need to fuel your day and it should always be your biggest meal of the day. It’s easy for me because the morning is my favorite time of day and I love to cook breakfast foods like my beloved breakfast tacos.

Switch out your grains. This one has always been tough for me. But tbh no matter what fad diet bs (and they are bs) that I hear about, I could never live comfortably without bread and pasta. That being said, I try and switch out white rice for brown, regular pasta for whole wheat or veggie (they have some weird ones at trader joes like black bean, which was disgusting, but if you’re curious about other pastas, thats your place!) and whole grain bread instead of white or sourdough. Believe it or not, eating this stuff is not detrimental if eaten in moderation, which brings me to my next point…

Moderation is key. It doesn’t matter the health kick that I’m on, I will not skip out on life to meet a calorie count. If I have a family gathering and we’re eating hearty lasagna and bread, I’m not going to load up on salad and feel like I’m missing out. I’ve tried to do this in the past and every time I do, I find myself longing for bad food throughout the night or whenever, instead of enjoying the company I’m with. Now, I’m not saying let the gate open and run wild in a field of cupcakes BUT, I am saying you need to stop being so hard on yourself. Unless you have a strict goal or timeline of what you want your body to look like or you’re happiest when you eat clean then DO YOU. You guys, this post is not meant to attack those that live a strict diet lifestyle. I’m talking to those of you that try and implement healthier habits into your day to day. Also, I’m telling you more about myself and my own personal habits. Back to moderation, having a burger once in a while and a slice of pizza is O K A Y. Its when fast food is consumed everyday or when you go most days without anything green entering your system, then it becomes a problem. There is a very fine line and it takes a while to find it, yes, I’m still searching for mine.

Eat food that you actually like. Do not try and force down healthy food if it’s the worst thing that you’ve ever had. If you’re a picky eater, try foods every now and again cooked in different ways and you might be surprised. For example, I think broccoli is satan on earth in my mouth when its not cooked. It doesn’t matter how much ranch I put on it, I absolutely hate it. But, when it’s steamed or baked, it’s my favorite vegetable. My point is, don’t force feed yourself healthy food because you’ll never adjust to a habit of eating that way. You should enjoy what’s in front of you rather than dreading what you’re about to ingest.

It’s okay not to eat meat for your protein. This is for my non-vegan/vegetarian friends. I used to only base my meals around a meat. It took me a long time to realize I don’t need to have it every meal. There is a lot of protein to be found in other sources and while I do eat meat, I love making vegan recipes and stripping down typical recipes to be healthier. I hear a lot that a good tip is to make one day a week a vegetarian/vegan day and I have been doing it recently. I honestly haven’t really noticed a difference but I love trying new recipes and challenging myself.

Drink your damn water. I think this is the most obvious and we all know we need to drink a lot of water but I think this one is not only the most important tip but the most impactful. I definitely feel it when I don’t drink enough water. I rely SO heavily on my hydroflask to get my daily serving of water. I usually drink two servings in my 40 OZ bottle and then drink two glasses at home. This has made a huge difference in my skin, my energy and it helps with cleaning out all your toxins instead of a harmful cleanse.

Now, I wanted to give you guys a brief peak into what I typically eat in a day and how I balance things out + extra tips!

Breakfast:

-2 egg whites

-handful of spinach

-1 piece of turkey bacon

-green bell pepper in my eggs, about 2 tablespoons

-about 2 tablespoons of cut up white onion

-1 slice whole grain toast

-handful of fruit (usually blueberries)

-teaspoon unsalted almond butter on toast

-1 tablespoon of trader joe’s super seed blend on toast

Snack:

-Nut butter filled cliff bar (coconut almond butter flavor)

Lunch:

I would like to say that I make lunch everyday but its definitely the meal I eat out the most. Most days I go to Grill Hut and get chicken, rice, salad and pita bread and it’s my favorite lunch. But, if I make it at home I’ll usually have something like this:

-1/2 cup steamed broccoli

-Veggie patty

-romain lettuce (to wrap veggie patty)

-handful of mixed nuts

-sautéed sweet potatoes ( cooked in coconut oil and seasoned with thyme, garlic powder and paprika.)

Snack:

-Always one of my smoothies which is:

1 tangerine

1 banana

1/2 cup frozen strawberries

handful frozen spinach

a little less than a handful of frozen peas

1 teaspoon of apple cider vinegar

1 tablespoon coconut oil

fill halfway with water

Dinner:

-If you know my family, you know that we eat chicken, rice and salad for dinner almost every night (fitting that I eat it for lunch too…) so that’s what I’m going to list here:

-1 grilled chicken breast

-Brown rice, a little over 1/2 a serving

-Roasted veggies, usually broccoli, carrots, cauliflower and onion

-Salad, I like mine without dressing most of the time, about a cup of spinach

After dinner snack:

-usually always dangerous but I have a GIANT sweet tooth so I usually keep my favorite cookies on deck. They’re the Trader Joe’s gluten free chocolate chip cookies and I am clearly not gluten free but they are SO tasty. It doesn’t make it healthier by being gluten free necessarily but I just like the taste of them! If I don’t have those handy, I’ll also have a couple pieces of dark chocolate or honestly just drink a cup of tea (peppermint of course) and it keeps me full enough for bed time to where I don’t feel starving going to sleep.

Total Calories: 

2,379.

Macronutrients:

Carbs- 43% Fats- 37% Protein-20%

This is obviously a rough estimate of what I eat everyday because its never the same but everything I’ve listed is common in my days so this is pretty accurate! (this is based off of a 2,000 calorie a day diet, I also used the Fitbit app to figure this out for reference.)

  I hope this was helpful to you! The only change that can come to your healthy habits starts with you and you only. However, with some help on the way, slowly I think your potential will surface and be used fully. This is not to bash anyone or their eating habits, its only here to encourage you if you feel in need of a change. Or if you’re just curious about what I eat/ think is healthy. I would like to say that I eat perfect everyday and I love my body because of it but I’ll be straight: it’s something I have to work at everyday. Over time, I’ve cumulated habits that I’m proud of and I’m hoping to only continue that in this new year! Regardless of your body or eating habits- you’re all beautiful. You���re all loved.

XOXO,

New year, same beautiful you.

    OUTFIT DETAILS: leggings- Fabletics. top & sports bra- Forever 21. Shoes-Nike. Also wearing a Fitbit Blaze.

Healthy Habits With the whole "new year, new me," business that comes along with the new year, I thought I would throw some ideas your way and give you a little peak into my everyday healthy eating tips!

#Health + Beauty

[anything-advice-blog]

[TIME SENSITIVE / URGENT] toxic friend

i kno u guys must get like thousands of messages and im so sorry for cluttering ur inbox and pushing this to the front of the line but im just. desperate and really scared and i need to know what 2 do abt this as soon as possible!!! also as a preface i apologize in advance if some of the way i word things in this come off as offensive or incorrect, etc - i truly, genuinely do not mean any harm so please feel free to correct me if i say something that isnt okay!!! also this is REALLY scattered and mega long so bear with me im really sorry! (also im so. so scared the person in question is gonna see this o H MY GOD so i may need to message this blog again asking for this post to be taken down maybe bc im really paranoid im so sorry!! i hope thats ok but i just dont want to risk her seeing this if this all blows up in my face ohrkjdghkjghfdgj!!!) (TW: SUICIDE MENTION, SELF HARM MENTION)

ok so. almost 2 years ago in early 2016 this girl i’d never met before drew me this incredible gift art for my birthday. we started talking and we found out we have a lot of things in common - we both draw and write, we’re just a few months apart from each other in age, we have similar interests and fandoms, n we live less than an hour away from each other and are one state away from one another - so we immediately hit it off n became super close friends. she was amazingly talented n super friendly and nice n stuff so i wanted 2 be friends w her anyways!!!!! @ the time she was in an online relationship with someone several years older than her who lived across the country, and she mentioned a few times she was feeling unhappy and insecure in that relationship and that long distance was really difficult but she was too devoted to her partner to break it off. the most important thing 2 note is that my friend has several severe untreated mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, ocd among others), regularly self harms, and is suicidal. im pretty sure im neurotypical (or at least i definitely am not suicidal / depressed, etc), so while i couldnt relate to a lot of the things she was going through, i always tried to be a listening ear to her and give her advice / support when i could because i knew she was going through a lot of rough stuff. she told me she doesnt have any friends in real life, her parents are separated and her family does not support her or even really know / care about her mental health, and she can’t access any professional help from teachers / counselors / therapists due to her severe anxiety and financial issues for some of the latter options listed. as her relationship with her partner began to crumble, i started bearing a lot of the weight of her struggles - she would vent to me and i would always have to be there for her to support her. i told myself that because she was mentally ill and didnt have any support i would take on that role so she wouldnt have to suffer. over the summer of 2016 she almost attempted suicide like…. twice??? and i talked her out of it and it was terrifying and really exhaustimg to constantly be worried about her.

then almost a year ago, in the winter of 2016, she started getting… clingy? we started talking a lot more and i didnt really get like any bad vibes from her but we were pretty much joined @ the hip and stuff and we started telling each other all of our secrets (so this is when i found out her relationship with her girlfriend was starting to crumble, which i didnt previously know) also she started constantly drawing me stuff??? like Drowning me in gift art and i felt really bad for not being able to reciprocate but she told me not to worry and that she used art as a coping method and stuff. at this time, i was going through some stuff too - obviously not as severe as depression / self harming, etc, but i had just gotten out of an almost-relationship with someone i knew from school, and i was doing my best to distance myself from romance in general since i didnt feel mature or confident enough to be in a romantic relationship yet. i told my friend that i was uncomfortable about the prospect of being in a romantic relationship and she seemed to understand.

anyways right around my birthday this year she revealed to me that she was madly in love with me (???!!?!?!?!?!!?!!?). mind you we had never even talked to each other / video called or ANything like that and we had only sent each other One (1) selfie and. it made me really uncomfortable because she said that like i was her moon and stars and her whole world and everything and she constantly dreamed of me??? and that she had been secretly like writing me love poetry and drawing me Even More Art i didnt even know about and…… it was. really overwhelming. it bothered me for so many reasons besides the fact that we had never communicated outside of like chatting / sending messages back nd forth like…. ok she was still in that long distance relationship at the time even though it was crumbling, and she KNEW!!! that i was uncomfortable about romance but she told me anyways and stuff!!!!!! and AHHH it was just really bad. so i panicked over it for a day or two because i was scared that if i Firmly Said No that she would spiral into a depressive episode and actually fatally harm this time but i wrote her this huge long letter letting her down very, very, VERY gently and apologizing for ever leading her on and stuff. and. she never actually wrote back to that letter or told me that it was okay???? which….. should have been a red flag 2 me but. we moved on as friends even though we did this conscious of the fact that she still loved me like that and i didnt feel the same way. looking back on it i regret it so much because i told her that like i would Always Be There For Her Forever and stuff and??? gfkjhgk yeah it wasnt a good time.

its been almost a year since then. in the spring i got my first smartphone and we added each other on a lot of social media stuff including snapchat and moved all our conversations there, then we decided to call each other and exchange phone numbers and see how that worked. i didnt really think much of it and was excited to hear her voice and have a conversation with her but…….. suddenly that one call turned into two and two turned into three and within a few weeks we were calling each other like All The Time (at least once a week if not more) and like making these really fucking elaborate schedules to call each other????? WHICH LIKE i dont think is a normal thing friends do idk if im wrong but!!!!! i literally call None of my other friends except for her, and a lot of that is bc i actually get really anxious and uncomfortable talking on the phone?? (also not to mention my mom doesnt really like me talking on the phone either….) but i never really told her that it made me uncomf or that it was difficult to mnge like i guess it just kinda.. Happened and became the norm. so now on top of constantly messaging each other multiple times a day now we were calling frequently too and there was suddenly a lot more pressure in our relationship because i had to stress out over making a large amount of time in my day to talk to her. i graduated high school this spring and having to balance the extreme emotional load of that major change with like… suddenly having to fall all over myself to make time to talk to this girl i didnt even really know?? was just really bad and i regret it so much because i feel like i missed out on fully experiencing it i guess. im really really passive and im TERRIFIED of confrontation and i dont like saying no to people or telling them if im uncomfortable because They Will Get Mad At Me and it was especially worse bc of my friend’s mental health and so she and i would talk for hours on end because i was afraid that if i got tired and ended the conversation without a legitimate excuse she would get mad at me and hurt herself. since we could fit way more conversation into like… long long hours of talking and talking, we ended up like. just telling each other literally Everything and she “eventually” fell out of love with me and started trying to meet people who she actually knew irl to date!! which was. kinda good bc she met this one girl and they hit it off but then it turns out she was just….. queerbaiting my friend??? which Sucked so that obviously didnt work out. and then she met another girl on this dating app and they started going out and my friend started talking to me less for a little while. it turns out though……. that my friend’s new girlfriend lives in my town??? like i dont know her but bc of that my friend and i almost met in person bc the two of them met up and went out together and stuff and they were gonna drop by and see me but that didnt work out. im getting off topic here but my point is……… she told me she wasnt in love with me anymore and she started seeing other people.

sadly she and her gf recently broke up. their relationship was also really unhealthy just like…… All Of Her Relationships and that other girl broke up with my friend because she said she needed space (she was depressed too and needed to recover and my friend was being too clingy and attention seeking and stuff so she just ended it in the middle of the night over text.) ofc ive stuck around for all of this and my friend has vented about every tiny detail of this relationship to me and its…. been So Stressful. now that shes single again she’s more depressed than ever - over the summer when she was dating that other girl she stopped self harming but she started again when their relationship started going south and now im really scared she’s gonna hurt herself, esp bc she tried to commit suicide again a few months ago which was terrifying. also another thing thats made me REALLY uncomfortable!!!!!!!! is that she Keeps Bringing Up the fact that she was in love with me whenever we talk on the phone??? like Every Single Time We Talk, Without Fail. even when she was talking abt her new gf with me sh was like. comparing her attraction to her gf to her attraction to Me and talking abt how they were similar and different and. i never had the guts to tell her it bothered me but god it just does So So Much!!!!! because we were never in a real relationship and she doesnt even really know me KDSJFHKHGAHHH im rambling so much this makes no sense at all and this is so long im so sorry ahhhh but im… Stressed!

so….. we’re running up on two years since we’ve met and one year since she told me she loved me. im in college now and she’s still in high school, and she’ll be i college next year too. again, i dont think that im depressed or mentally ill, but ive been struggling a LOT with the adjustment from hs to college and its been really really rough on me emotionally. now that my friend is single she’s been solely relying on me and trying to get me to call her multiple times a week because she needs the extra support now that she doesnt have her girlfriend anymore… but she doesnt seem to understand that i i just dont have enough time or energy to give all of myself to her and fall all over myself to make her feel better, especially when i already feel suffocated by her to begin with AND when im suppposed to be starting this new life and putting all of my focus into that. we’re mutuals on every single social media i have and i feel like im constantly being crushed by guilt whenever i do anything for myself or post stuff bc she can see what im doing constantly. and like she asked me to turn my read receipts on when we started moving from snapchat to texting and i have them turned off regularly so i did and it was really uncomfortable. i keep bending myself over backwards to mke sure im making her happy bc im all she has left.

neither of us have good relationships with our moms and so we’re always sneaking around to call each other and lately ive been calling her at school because obviously my mom isnt there and its less of a hassle to sneak around her and and talk……. but its a double edged sword bc i keep having to isolate myself and skip clubs / studying / hanging out with friends and socializing to talk to her and listen to her vent and its just so exhausting and i feel like im starting to seriously fall behind in other areas of my life im supposed to be getting better in. its hard enough adjusting to this and missing high school and stuff and trying to learn how to be an adult and be independent, and having her weight over my shoulders just is making things so much worse. but if i tell her that she’s choking me she’ll hurt herself (she’s literally said to me, Multiple Times (and recently!!!) that if it werent for me she’d be dead by now or she would kill herself and stuff and im the only thing she’s living for at this point. which. i dont know how to feel about that). i feel so trapped and i can’t say or do anything that indicates that im uncomfortable because she’ll get mad at me and make these passive agressive little side comments or do these alarmed emoticons and stuff or give me the silent treatment for a day or two (which is always scary bc like its Good when she’s not talking to me but when she doesnt im scared that something horrible happened to her!!!!!) and its just. god. ive started lying to her and coming up with fake excuses to get out of calling her because the thought of having to go isolate myself in these empty courtyards or nooks and crannies of my college campus is growing more and more uncomfortable and terrifying to me and i just cant fucking be honest about it because i suck. when i talk on the phone with her i have to be really fake and smiley and stuff and all she does is ramble about how horrible things are going for her and then i have to try and give advice when i just am so bad at talking and socializing already and im dealing w my own stuff and its… Awful. im so so weighed down by this nd i know that if she knew she’s being a…. b*rden to me right now she would be devastated and harm herself and stuff so i cant say anything and im spiraling out of control with THI s but you get the point im just really uncomfortable Always!!!! and i feel like my own emotions are completely 100000% inferior to hers because she’s gone through so much more than me and stuff???? and idk if thats True or if its just the way i feel but i just cant do anything around her bc shes like a ticking time bomb and anything i feel or try to do to protect myself from getting hurt will be selfish bc shes hurting way mre than me!!!!!!!!

anyways her birthday just happened a couple weeks ago and i bought her a tiny present and drew her somehting (i felt super guilty about not doing More for it though because shes done so much for me and also literally nobody except me remembered her birthday, not even really her own family). i havent mailed it to her yet (i told her i would send it this weekend, which is why this is marked as urgent) but we just exchanged addresses for the first time so now she not only knows my name, my age, what i look like, my Entire Backstory Ft. My Deepest Darkest Secrets, and how to reach me whenever she wants wherever she wants, but now she knows Exactly where i live and where i go to school too lol yay!!! anyways im getting really really anxious because i just had my midterms for college and didnt talk to her for an entire week last week but this happened right after her gf broke up with her and i think shes mad at me for taking a week off of talking to her. we were gonna call again today but i weaseled my way out of it bc it was so overwhelming and now i have to mail her this gift this weekend and my mom and other fmily members are all yelling at me about it and demanding that i just like…. Not Send It To Her because i dont owe her anything and tht i should just cut her off but if i do she’ll hurt herself nd she follows me everywhere and knows all of my secrets and stuff and idk im just scared that if i end our friendship she’ll try to ruin my life!!!! Like i dont think she would be petty like that or turn people against me or anything but she’s so obsessed with giving all of herself to other people nd she’s literally said she cant function without being 100000% devoted to somebody and like even after she’s broken up with all these other girls she still…. is obsessed with them and angsts over them and stuff and she does that with me even though i never even dated her or anything aND ITS JUST bad

like. idk i just really needed to get all of that out and im sorry it was so so so long and i dont even know what to do but i guess i marked this urgent because like. do i send her the present???? should i try to just like quietly distance myself from her real subtly so she wont notice or should i just straight up tell her that i cant breathe around her anymore and i just. really need space??? or like to not be friends anymore even though we know everything about each other??? am i being manipulated or is it jsut All In My Head that our relationship is toxic??? like idk if i shoud even cut her off completely or aNYTHING or if we could like even go on being just acquaintances from now on and saying hi to each other from time to time. and i feel so mean and bad for writin all of thisstuff about her when i know shses so vulnerable and i havent concretely communicated Any discomfort around her so if she saw this she would immediately know it was about her and do something Terrible to herself nd she constantly spams me with memes about depression and wanting to die and like…. blows up my phone with like 50 text messages at once and its just so so so much to worry about and i!!! just!!!!!! cant function like this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH!!

anyways that was a huge disorganized mess and im kinda shaking and i dont even think i got all of it down or communicated how trapped and helpless i feel. ive never been in any situation like this before and i hate that she’s…. yeah. she’s really like manipulated me and stuff and i dont know how to get out of it. every time i think about it i feel like bursting into tears because im just so stuck and i dont even know if the way im feeling is even valid or if its all just lke. in my head or something and this is how friends really are Supposed to be because ive never really had a great social life either and my best friends are honestly my brother and sister and they mean everything to me and so i have friends outside of my family but like idk i never like. really was that close with any of them nad stuff nad idk this isnt about me BUT i just uhhh. am kinda crying a little bit and im sorry fo rbeig a big baby about all of this its all my fault for being a Human Doormat and letting people walk all over me nd tellin myself that i can bear that weight when i really have never taken good care of myself before Ever In My Life and stuff. but anyways im gonna stop rambling now and just… to whoever reads this or responds to this or whatever just thank you for hearing me out even if you think im wrong / crazy / Terrible for feeling this way because it just has been so much and i dont know what to do.

Hey there!

There's a lot going on here, but the bottom line seems to be this; you're in a friendship that you don't want to be in, and that you feel is unhealthy for you.

You are not her therapist. You can't fix her, you can't treat her, you can support her, but that's it. You aren't responsible for her. You're forcing yourself to put all this time and energy into something that you're super uncomfortable with, and don't want to be doing, and it's draining you and destroying your own mental health. You have to put yourself first. It's okay to want to help people, but you HAVE to put yourself first, or else you'll burn out and you won't be able to help anybody.

At the very least, you need to talk to her about how you're feeling, and tell her you need to tone down your relationship. What's happening absolutely isn't fair to you. All you can do to help her is your best, and right now, you're not doing your best because you're not taking care of yourself.

I know you're concerned about her hurting herself or killing herself, but you have to understand that you are not responsible for her. If she does something to herself, it's not as a result of your actions. She's traumatized and mentally ill, and those factors are what causes her to hurt herself. Not you. You are not and can not be responsible for her. Period. If she tells you she's going to kill herself or severely hurt herself, you have her address. Call 911 and ask them to dispatch help to her house. She might hate you for it, but an angry person is far, far better than a dead person. That action very well might save her life, and get her the help that she needs, so don't be afraid to do it.

As for the present, it's totally up to you. You did promise it to her, and fulfilling that promise might help you let her down a little bit more gently. At the same time, giving her a permanent reminder of you could hurt her. Maybe you should ask her? Tell her about how you're feeling and that you can't keep going with this intense of a relationship, and have a conversation about that. During that conversation, you could ask if she still wants the present. She might get angry, or it could help soothe her, or maybe she'll have a totally different reaction. It's hard to know.

This conversation is going to be super, super hard. It's going to be hell, quite frankly. She's a super sensitive person, and she's probably not going to take it well. So remember what I said before, about her not being your responsibility, and do a LOT of self care working up to the conversation and after the conversation. I'd recommend making a self care kit, and putting things in it that help calm you down. My personal self care kit contains nice smelling lotion, soft fabric, stuff to play with, gum, tea bags, and notes from friends reminding me that they love me. You could also be texting a friend during the conversation, so that they can reassure you and help talk you through it.

You may not be going through the same things she is, but your feelings and your struggles are valid. You don't need to destroy yourself to help someone that's "worse" than you are. You need to take care of yourself, and keep yourself as healthy as possible. You aren't any less valuable simply because you're not traumatized or self harming. Your mental health is important, and you need to do what's right for you.

I hope this helps!

♥ - Fawn

#advice #advice blog #anything advice blog #aab #toxic friend #friendship #long distance friendship #relationship #friend confession #friend being in love #confusing friend #manipulative friend #manipulation #toxic friendship #unhealthy friendship #unhealthy relationship #self harm ment #suicide ment #police ment #college ment #school ment #fawn #answered #anon #anonymous #submission #urgent #time sensitive

[hvzardly]

As me thot, Mama opened the topic as soon as me said me goin back tonite. Hmm.

Mama started by askin about filing for divorce; to which me replied "done".. and told her the hearing date.

Then Mama asked what is wrong with her; isnt she good enough and well accepted by the families and relatives etc? And me replied, yes; maybe. But my heart just cudnt take it anymore. Me just cudnt love her.

Then Mama said, me shudnt get back with her after the split back in 2009. To which me admitted guilty. And Mama said she saw how happy and good we have been, so she thot everything was fine. Unlike Keklin and Abang.

Then me said, lemme do what me need to do. If me need to try this path to learn life, then lemme be. Cos all this while, me been doing things on my own anyways (to which she agreed). Just that.. me hope she would keep on praying for the best for me and everyone.

Next; le poor baby bear. Me said, me never wanted to abandon her. It was le mom who didnt wanna have anything to do wimme anymore; let alone receive helps from me. Here was when Mama said she cudnt digest why. She even advised her directly to stay at the house until she gets back on her feet. So now, it is all up to her.

Mama even agreed how le small child should better stay with her mom (here was when me could feel Mama's blessings), no matter what; exactly like what me said kan? Then me added; me did tell her to return le child to me if she cudnt take care of her; as she been complaining and what not. But she was reluctant; seeing that as my attempt to snatch eveything from her.. including le poor baby. Mama was like "whut? Macam tu pulak?"

And then me said, she is the kind who would take time to digest and accept.. so lets give her all the time she needs. Yes, we might question or ask her to accept and move on, but thats all up to her.. we cant force that.

Mama was just worried that me was just looking for troubles; and cudnt get why me letting go of le comfy life (this is worth another long post lol). And Mama is really afraid if they come for le money etc; which isnt really a big concern to me.

Then, le talk about u. How people shared some bad rumours about u. About u being all high class and stuff. And some said u dont really love me; ur just doing all these for citizenship. Me was like "whudda u talkin about?? She is from a developed country!" She said she has no idea.. but thats what she heard. And the fact that Alien went for a not so good candidate instead of u after le lovey dovey stories between u two, shows how something is not right.

Yeah. Me know. U must be pissed like hell rite now kan? Sorry tau. Mama just told me what she heard. And me glad that she did; cos after that me able to sell all about you.

How u r unlike any other girls me met; and of cos unlike any European gals as rumoured. And what actually happened between u and Alien, how frustrated me am with him, and (sorrryyyy) le story about him grabbing your hand in le cinema. Me even shared few stuff about your Ayah in short.

In the end she just took a deep sigh, and said.. "Hmm.. tak taulah anak oi.." Her trademark of.. giving in to us, her kids. Lol. And then she changed topics about the former site of the old glorious Malay Film Studio that we passed; a place that my bro in law been reluctant to take her to since forever.

The verdict? Good sign, but still loads of werk to do. But at least she begins to listen to me, and thats a very good sign indeed. It cud be a long process, but shudnt be that tough anyways. Me knew my Mama. We rarely dicussed this seriously, but once we did, it must be very important and needed. Yet, short and sweet. Just like this.

And if she put a stop to a discussion with silence or change of topic, that means she has started to accept and digest. If not, she would insist and put a veto on it; " if i said no, it is a NO!". Lol. Me got these so many times tau. Trust me.

Me really sorry tau; that you got accused and sworn off by those people who dont even know you, just because of me. Because of us. But just remember, they dont matter. To hell with them. Me wud rather let them crawl up to you on le judgement day for forgiveness. Huh.

Once you are officially mine, me promise that me would do whatever may to protect you.

This is my pledge.

Cos you are not just the Iman they spoke about.

You are MY Iman.

My faith.

My life.

And me thank Him for bringing you to me;

praying that He will keep you by my side

until time calls time on itself.

Until forever.

And a lifetime after forever.

InsyaAllah

[annarosenblumpalmer]

JEW-ISH. ON EATING AS A CULINARY JEW

In a town that had more jews than gentiles levels of Judaism were carefully parsed. Would you skip school only for high holy days or for all holidays? Do you go to Sunday school or Hebrew school? Would your Bat Mitvah be more about the torah or the hora?

I termed myself a culinary jew. Very little temple, missed school as a nod to religion not to practice religion. But I was all in on the eating. There were the delicious things like the latkas and matzoh ball soup. Then there were the questionable things like gefilte fish. There is no second example needed. That fish (or ground pressed combo of fish in pickle jelly) really can hold its own. I ate them all. On that one horrible day when we couldn’t eat (like, the holiest day of the year) all I thought about were the holes in the bagels. Where they went. Why we couldn’t have them the way dunkin’ donuts let us have the donut holes. I was a decade before Einsteins. Now bagels are in airports everywhere.

Speaking of bagels when you are Jewish bagels have no calories. It is incredible. It is also incredibly not true. What was true was the existence of a  Jewish Bakery directly on my walk home from the T that I rode from highschool.  It had hallah or challah or challa ( its the food version of the Channukah problem) for shabbat. It had humentaschen (it never ends with the spelling confusion) for Purim. It had loaves of rye with perfectly chewy crusts and pillow soft insides for every other day of the year. “I am like rye bread.” I used to tell myself as I walked to my house from they bakery which was halfway home from the school train. “Not all people like me but the ones that do are passionate about me. Also I have a hard outside and soft inside.” It was a meta experience untwisting the red wire twist tie and reaching in to grab a slice to eat as I passed by gardens. It was weird to eat myself but delicious too.

ON THE FRESHMAN FIFTY

This is probably vegan

My freshman year college roommate was Anna Moore Lappe, the daughter of Frances, who wrote Diet for A Small Planet. This was the very first time I experienced eating as a political act. I had always though vegetarianism was virtuous in a “somehow it is our moral imperative not to walk around with an upper butt” sort of way but I didn’t know I could save the planet by eating kale. This was years before kale had a PR machine. I was shocked. But not changed. So the full result of my food education at the hands of the other Anna was a new type of guilt as I loaded my plate at the “Ratty.” Killing myself and my earth with each bite of burger and fries.

Although we have all heard of the freshman 15 no one told me about the four year 50. The rate at which I gained weight was alarming. The only break in my progress towards fat was the summer of my freshman year when I went to excavate on an archaeological dig in Israel. Latkes! I thought. Brisket! I imagined. Hummus? I compromised. But no. In the Kibbutz dining hall there seemed only to be tomatoes and cucumbers. I know this couldn’t have been true. But it seemed that way. Cucumbers are a hard no. Those of you who feel neutral about cucumbers (most of the world I have learned) can’t understand. “They are like water.” You argue with arched eyebrows. “No, they are like…I don’t know what they are like because their proximity to innocuous things like lettuce make me compost my whole plate (this of course was before composting but I couldn’t even get myself to type “throw away” because, you know, I am a composting queen). So no cucumbers. And no eggplant. How can something be both impossible to chew and slimy? It seems at odds with itself. And I am at odds with it. So I settled on tomatoes. They also had disgusting slimy centers but I found the outsides with a little salt were OK. So low fat cottage cheese and tomatoes were my meals. After a while I stopped thinking about food because I was so hungry I couldn’t think about anything at all. But between the digging and the walk to the site and the walk from the tent to the “there is no dining in here hall” I dropped 15 pounds.

When I returned to college Sophomore year I walked the streets of Providence at a quick clip never losing my breath. I navigated from my new dorm to the athletic center alone, limbs still brown from the Israeli sun planning to exercise. Behind me I heard voices. “That looks like Anna, but it can’t be, she is way too thin.” That was enough to bring me back to my reality. There would be no gym. My arms, , muscled from excavation would return to their doughy state (mmm rye bread) and my weight would continue to climb to the point that I lied about my weight on my drivers license.

ON THE ATKINS CULT

When I left college I was ready to drop some weight. Like most people who are overweight I ALREADY understood nutrition, portion size and the equation: “calories in -calories out better equal a negative number or you will be an even fatter ass.”  None of that “simple” stuff worked for me. According to Slate magazine 97% of dieters gain back all the weight they loss (and then some for me).  So I would not diet. Fuck the D word. I would never speak of it again. Instead I would change my eating habits for life.

So I melted cheese on a plate and ate steak with butter sauce and had no fruits at all. I bought little strips from the drug store to measure my urine and make sure I stayed in the magical state of “ketosis.” The fact that those strips existed because ketosis is pathological in diabetes and needs to be avoided was not important to me. I was losing weight and eating as much brie as I wanted.

Until I realized I couldn’t chew anything on this fucking diet. Or whatever word can replace diet.

There was no crunch. OK. Almonds are crunchy. I crunched my way through so many days of 10 almonds a day that I think the almond growers owe me money for the crown I had to buy last year. This was before I knew about the gallon of water that it takes to grow an almond and had to give them up. My teeth thank me. Pecans are good too. Though not as crack-y. Take that as you will.

In addition to losing 30 lbs I gained an endless exhausting topic of conversation. Conversation is a kind way to put it because it was really a ceaseless monologue. I exhaust myself just thinking about it. Its possible some of my weight loss was from calories burned moving my mouth talking about a diet free of carbohydrates.

ON EATING WHEN YOU OWN A RESTAURANT

Join your staff for staff meal. This is a must. You are part of the team. The fact that staff meal was often hotel pans of mystery material covered in melted cheese was secondary. Solidarity wins everytime.

If you have close friends in the restaurant send them free food. Then say yes when they ask you to join them. Since the food is free it is not stealing when you have a taste. Plus, solidarity.

Have your manager meal. Take a booth in the back. Order the hearts of palm and tomato salad. Enjoy it. Maybe add on some fries. The staff can then pop by the back and pop in some fries before heading to wash their hands. It is a mitvah really. Solidarity.

ON EATING IN VERMONT

Just add wildflowers.

I think back to how much more wonderful my life would have been if I had embraced veganism in 1991.I would have owned a vegan restaurant or no restaurant at all  I would be able to unironically wear Tivas as I scrambled up a mountain with my babies slung to my back. In reality slings baffled me. The Baby was twisted. Or the Baby was about the fall out. Or I pinned my right arm into submission. I was brought to tears by the sling which seemed an important symbol of Vermont motherhood. Steve gently replaced the sling with the Baby Bjorn. This thing had plastic in it. It was like formula instead of breast milk. But it kept the baby safe and my hands free so I tried not to judge myself which was possible except when I went to the farmer’s market.

Ah, the Vermont farmers market. It is the best and the worst.  On the upside there are whole cows and micro greens from one acre urban farms. There are trees to hug and pottery to buy and wildflowers to lie carefully across your woven basket. There are so many things to eat that aren’t vegetables. When people started farming empanadas I don’t know but I am not complaining. That said the farmers market is the Vermont version of the night club. Instead of bandage dresses and stilletos there are boyfriend jeans and flip flops. There is patagonia and burton hoodies.

Most of all there is the glow of fitness.  Thats the way to feed a Vermonter. Keep it as green as the green mountain state.

+ nothing.

ON FEEDING KIDS

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When Oliver was very young he had a fiend who called Bananas “nana.” She loved them almost as much as her small stuffed toy also, efficiently, called Nana. Her mother used to portion out her bananas, each cut neatly in half making it seem much more appealing to me but not my son who refused the fruit as he did everything that was more than a simple carb. When we sat together sipping coffee (mine mostly on my shirt)  this mother was the one I measured myself against. She was the mom with healthy snacks and a laundry room so well organized that any random stranger could find band aids and stain sticks. When she prepared dinner for the children of the neighborhood she served local pizza which see snipped neatly with kitchen shears (?!) into perfect sized portions. The pizza was not the only thing on the plate. There were fruits and veggies and foods in colors other than cardboard.

The melamine plates that served up this kid friendly bounty were BPA free and funny.

After our first group lunch I went out and bought these plates for our house. When her family came to visit I carefully selected the “top banana” for her daughter. I’m not sure if she noticed. Over time my plates took on a horrible brownish black color. I tried to wash it off in the super hot dishwasher but it turned out that the sanitize setting on the dishwasher was the problem. She must have handwashed her kid plates to keep them looking good. This, like so many things, felt beyond my capabilities.

In those early years I was the fattest mom and my kid was the pickiest eater. They felt like opposite failings of the same coin. Today Leo eats everything but mostly berries and salmon and grilled chicken. He is a walking ten year old superfood billboard. I take no credit for this and neither does Steve, who with his midwestern plate featuring M E A T, P O T A T O E S , and, what is that? over there? a veggie? also shrugs his shoulders at Leo’s laudable eating. I tell myself that if I take no credit for Leo’s colorful fiber filled meals I can take no blame for Oliver’s box of crackers. But unless I am at my best parenting doesn’t work that way…and neither does my relationship with food. I accept the blame with ease and eschew the credit.

It is easier to eat potato chips off of the sweet pea plate than peas.

ON THE FOOD REVOLUTION

In the past year I have gone on and off of a low carb diet, I have followed the Always Hungry meal plan (aptly named), I have done 7 day juice fasts, and I have gone semi vegan with the TB12 diet.

Sometimes I just want some fucking bread. Maybe I should stick to the bagels. They have zero calories after all.

  What about you? Anything revolutionizing your eating?

    Eating for the Ages. More years = more pounds JEW-ISH. ON EATING AS A CULINARY JEW In a town that had more jews than gentiles levels of Judaism were carefully parsed.

[manshootswedding]

What a photographer's day is like.

Wow, you take photos for a living, that's soo cool. It must be awesome traveling and making your own schedule. Did you get to eat that after you took the photos! Wow did they pay you to fly there and take photos of that? That's an awesome camera, it must have cost a lot. You have that many lenses. 

So I get a lot of the same things repeated to me time and time over. People remark at how amazing and fun it must be to do what I do. But the fact is, it is. But... taking the photos is really only ten percent of what I do. Marketing, post processing, phone calls, e-mails, spending money on things that are and aren't tangible as well as hoping clients make their way to you if you're doing everything the correct way.  I'm going to run through some of the basics of what I do and dive into some of it and gloss over the other parts. 

I do get to make my own schedule. I wake up whenever I want, in fact I don't even set an alarm anymore. I just happen to wake up as soon as the sun comes up and my brain automatically activates and goes back to whatever I should be working on or left off on. When I wake up it's a shower, slide on my stylish clothes and Apple Watch and off to Starbucks to have a Venti Cafe Mocha. I wear the same red hat everywhere I go so that i'm easy to find, recognize and meet. I also wear a unitymike.com t-shirt on the off chance that someone wants to talk to me about hiring me. On my way down to Starbucks i'll call my photographer friends and we bitch to each other about the business. We all run into the same problems, clients who don't want to pay, clients that we're still waiting for them to pay and the clients that say they can pay less somewhere else. This topic is rehashed every few weeks or months as time dictates. This photographer friend and I will talk sometimes several times a day. We run numbers by each other and situations to get another perspective. We also share a lot of information such as negotiation tactics and we talk a lot of gear. 

Once at Starbucks I sit down and play on Facebook. I have my noise canceling headphones on which are absolutely necessary to focus on tasks.  So, when I say play on Facebook I really mean sort through my business page's messages or posts and find people who have tried to contact me. Clients contact me through, text message, phone calls, Instagram, Google+, my personal Facebook page, a Facebook thread or my Facebook business page. While on Facebook I'll also post a link to my website which I really need people to visit. I'm also taking a nice selfie photo or photo of my drink. I need likes, I need people to follow me and be remembered when they or their friends get engaged. Some of my marketing strategy is to go exciting places, eat amazing food, have fun experiences and share these. Facebook's algorithm will note if someone hovers over a photo a bit or clicks on something you posted and adjust it so you show more often in their newsfeed. This means when I post things people are seeing it. I write out a blog or two to put on my website because it actually boosts me up in Google, makes my SEO a little bit better. I also schedule a post or two for my Facebook's business page. I sort through my photos on my computer and pull out a few photos and send them to my phone so that I can post on Instagram a little bit later. The Instagram photos will have to include a nice description, location and some relevant hashtags. 

I send a few e-mails, responding back to anyone who has asked me anything. I'm very prompt with this. If I have an e-mail from a potential bride and I don't answer with in short few hours they will move on to the photographer who does answer.  My futuristic tech that I wear around my wrist is not so much to show off a toy as it is used to get e-mail notifications and text messages. I hate staring at my phone for any length of time.

I have to swing by my office to drop off some flyers that came in. I straighten out my office which comes at a nice discount. Other people have been in my office to use my giant tv. I clean up desk, arrange everything for new clients coming in. My forms are getting a little low in stock and I have to sit down and revise and reprint a new stack. I keep adding more to my forms to help me. While at my office I also have to visit with my landlord of sorts to go over his projects and what he needs done. I help out where I can. 

I have to take a drive to a clients house now because they need a family portrait.  Everything is loaded into my car, lights, camera, action. I head to the clients house where I set up, pose, photograph and repeat half a dozen time with various locations on their property. We have a good time, i'm paid and now everything needs to be packed up and brought back home and deconstructed back into it's case.  On my way back home i'm calling a client of mine who I help out at their office. I do everything from ordering supplies to photo and video and web design and consulting work. I check and see if they need anything or if theres anything upcoming that I need to get ready for. Nothing to do there, so no problem. 

I'm having clients in my car later in the week which means that my car which is also used to transport gear from Maine to Florida is nice and clean. Also, earlier I got a good deal of dirt in my car because the clients driveway was muddy. So wiping the seats down, vacuuming, sorting the contents of my trunk space as well as topping off fluids are on my to do list either today or another. 

During lunch I may eat at my dream place, Coney Island Hot Dogs or go down to The Fix. I'm going to pig out and enjoy it. I've earned it. I've been up since seven working on things.  During lunch i'm browsing on Amazon looking for little things that I've been putting off ordering and finally plunge into my wallet to accommodate myself. I also take any phone calls during my lunch time throughout the week. My phone rings about a dozen times a day with clients and also telemarketers. I can't tell the difference between a safe number and unsafe number because local numbers have been bought up to get a better hit rate.  The reason I mention this is I get to go to my favorite places to eat but a majority of the time my food gets cold. I don't let calls go to voicemail when possible because no one wants to wait and I also depend on clients coming in regularly.  I still manage to take photos of my food which more often than not leads to my food losing it's ideal temperature. 

After lunch I'm beat, worn out and ready to quit. I usually take a nice two hour nap or more. This is interrupted by the occasional phone call and I also wake up at some point and roll over and check my phone for reciprocated e-mails from clients. If I get a call from a bride or e-mail from a bride my goal is to set up a meeting asap, that means later in the day or early the next day or whenever they want. Once I'm awake I recharge again with coffee and a snack. I'm editing photos now for a gig I shot the night prior. I've spent a little part of the day making sure I have everything backed up, previews loaded and basic adjustments made across the board. I get a phone call from a print shop saying the custom frames I ordered are in, i'm still waiting to be paid for them by the client. I have to head over and pick them up and then notify my client they are in and softly nudge them to be ready to have their wallet ready. In case of any questions I have to go back to my computer and dig up the original invoice I sent them. I have several invoices out in fact totaling enough to pay my incoming bills, rent, subscriptions, insurance. 

I'm also waiting on my insurance agent to find me a more affordable insurance for my gear which I pay almost two hundred dollars a month for. I pace around my apartment, straightening things out, organizing my equipment and staring at my giant three by four foot white board. I regularly fill this board up with upcoming tasks, notes, reminders and dates. Anything that i've taken a note for has to be put into my phone and computer for redundancy, thats on my to-do list. I put on my nice Bose noise canceling headphones and pace around my apartment conquering small and mundane tasks to the bigger ones. I have a phone call to make and I spend thirty minutes circling my couch talking to a bride and narrowing down a meeting time. I have to cross check my calendar with a list of weddings to make sure I have time to meet later this week and have her wedding date free.  She can meet today in fact which is wonderful. This was a good phone call. About seven or eight times a year I get a phone call from a bride who loves my photos and she's very excited to meet with me and then tells me her wedding date. I cross check her wedding date and i'm already booked. I have a couple go-to photographers which I send brides that I cannot take. I'm careful who I send brides to because it will fall back on me if anything goes wrong. I send most of my brides to a photographer friend out in Boston. 

I head to my office for the second time today, I'm early. I turn on my tv, my apple tv, bluetooth speaker, set Spotify to modern wedding playlist, set up my Macbook to connect with the TV and get the form out and write out all the information I have at the moment. She should be here any minute, okay ten minutes ago, thirty minutes ago, text, phone call, nothing. I get a text message letting me know she'll be late. I've now been here for an hour and it's dark out by now. She arrives, we hit it off and I go through my entire pitch, I feel good about it. I head home and after dinner I sit and write up a contract and send a follow up e-mail regarding our meeting and everything we talked about. I don't know if she's going to go with me or not. I don't typically do follow up messages because it can easily put someone in that awkward position of saying they're going with someone else but thanks for... you get the idea. 

I'm now uploading photos from the gig I shot the day prior. There's a lot of photos going up so It throttles by data which means Netflix and Hulu won't work on my TV. So shower and head back to my TV to be reminded of this. I end up sitting at my computer browsing through Facebook's newsfeed and get lost in Instant Karma videos on Youtube. I'm also kicking myself to be productive still at eleven at night. I'm making a circuit between my workstation where my Macbook and main computer are to my white board looking for more tasks to finish. I write a few more things on my board that need to get finished. There's a lot of things that just require sitting and writing or following up with people about projects. The rest of my time is spent sitting on my couch with my cats swiping through Bumble to meet someone. It's hard to meet someone when you're schedule is composed of the entire day and night. Basically this app leads into a huge time suck of non productivity which re-guilts me into a productive whirlwind.  

Sleep either can be wonderful because i've accomplished so much or terrible because I still have so much to accomplish. I've disallowed any news on Trump before bed because that makes my sleep even worse. The best part of my day though is having my cats follow me onto my bed and lay next to me. They have no idea what I've done today or the day prior no matter how many times i've tried to explain it to them. That's a very calming thing, two little cats who's day tomorrow is packed with sleeping and eating. Maybe i'm in the wrong profession. 

So this is exactly how any day goes for the most part. The details may change, some days are less and some days are more. The tasks are different but each day I get thrown a puzzle and have to put it together. If I ever clear my white board of things that I should be doing that I feel uneasy and anxious because there is something I can be doing and I have to figure that out asap. There is no rest. But the best part of any of this is whenever I want I can take the day off. I can shut down and do nothing. But most every single day goes from seven in the morning to past midnight. It means I can take a vacation wherever I want on a moments notice but I also better keep a watch on social media and e-mail during that.  

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