i'm only a few minutes late and technically its still the 22nd in some timezones so suck it. happy midam 2 year wedding anniversary i thought for sure i'd get this finished in time but rude awakenings galore so take a small part of midam proposal ft girlverse <3 the lore is increasingly intricate
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The buzz of Kitty’s toothbrush cuts out and leaves behind—not a silence. Their house is never silent, not with three kids and a cat and a bubbling fish tank, but there’s a sense of contentment that falls over the white noise. It’s a feeling Adam’s familiar with now. The realization always guts him, just a little bit, comparing it to the everything of the cage. He was used to that, too.
But it’s quiet now, until he catches snippets of the bedtime story Michael’s telling Liv, until Kitty and Bunny start arguing about which nightlight to use tonight—the princess one Kitty likes, or the special one that casts constellations onto the ceiling that Bunny likes—until the cat skids around a corner, until a fish thrashes suddenly in the fish tank with a splash that always makes Kevin think it’s escaped.
And it’s like—Adam knows that this is forever. That he and Michael fought to have this life together, that they’re not giving it up anytime soon. But still. There’s something delicate about it tonight.
He pokes his head in Kitty and Bunny’s room. Bunny won the nightlight argument, and he catches her flouncing from the wall to her bed in her little nightgown that’s been shedding sequins for weeks but she refuses to replace.
“Stars tonight?” he whispers.
“Duh,” Bunny answers, gathering a half dozen stuffed animals into her arms.
“Princess tomorrow,” Kitty mumbles, half asleep in her own bed. “I brushed my teeth.”
Adam raps a knuckle to the doorframe gently. “I know,” he says, biting back a smile. “Do you want a story?”
“Dad said he’d tell us about the stars,” Bunny says. “You can read tomorrow.”
“Oh, may I?” Adam teases. “I know you like his stories better.”
“I like Uncle Gabe’s stories best,” Bunny says. “He’s real good at talking.”
Because Adam is a grown man, he doesn’t say unlike you to his six year old daughter. Time and place for sick burns, or something like that. Instead, he raps on the doorframe one more time and says, “Goodnight, then. I love you both.”
He gets a chorus of I love you goodnight back and it will never fail to get him just a little choked up. Knowing they love him like he loves Kate, knowing Michael loves him—
It sits with him, as he gets ready for bed. Pajamas, toothpaste, acne cream because somehow having a handy archangel doesn’t do anything against adult acne which is really just rude. He listens to Michael tell Kitty and Bunny his story about stars, and is still in the bathroom when he wanders in, shrugging on a pajama shirt.
“Bunny needs a new nightgown. I think there are sequins in my hair,” Michael says, but Adam’s eyes and attention are glued to the way he buttons his shirt, nimble fingers working up his chest because he always starts from the bottom like a weirdo, but that’s not what Adam’s thinking about.
Suddenly, all he can see is Michael in a pressed white shirt, maybe black if he wants to be sleek, or another color if he wants to be fun, the details aren’t important except for the fact that the shirt is nice and meant to be worn under a suit jacket. He’s watching Michael button it from the bottom up and reach his throat, where he’ll loop a tie around his neck and do some ridiculously complex knot just to show off.
He’s watching Bunny flounce around in a different dress, dropping petals instead of sequins. He’s watching Gabriel stand in front of a crowd and show off his good talking skills while giving what will probably be a really weird speech.
But he blinks, and Michael’s standing behind him in the bathroom, head tilted just so as he meets Adam’s eyes through the mirror. His left hand stretches around the last button and his ring finger is so empty and all of a sudden, Adam wants.
“We’ll go to Target tomorrow,” Adam says, and doesn’t realize he’s spoken until the words echo just this side of too loud between light blue tile. “For a nightgown, I mean.”
Michael nods. “Okay.” He extends a hand, and Adam spins to take it. “Bed?”
As they climb into bed, Adam listens to the cat, the fishtank, the fuzz of Liv’s baby monitor, Kitty snoring like an eighty year old man. And he can’t shake the thought.
Michael, of course, knows something’s up, but he waits until they’re settled, curled up so they’re nose to nose, before he whispers, “What’s on your mind?” into the inch of space between them. Adam can taste his toothpaste, bubblegum instead of mint because he doesn’t like the cold, and the ferocity of his want shouldn’t be so surprising. It is anyway.
“Maybe we should,” he whispers back. “Get married, I mean.”
The faint line of moonlight creeping through the crack in their curtains illuminates the smile that quirks on Michael’s lips. “Are you proposing?” he asks, and sounds amused.
“Maybe.”
Michael hums. “I hear that proposals are supposed to be romantic.”
“What, is this not romantic enough for you?” Adam flicks at an old baby puke stain on the frayed collar of Michael’s shirt. Michael retaliates by poking a cold finger through the hole in the shoulder of Adam’s shirt, made by an unfortunate arts & crafts incident.
“I have standards,” he says.
Adam can’t help it—he laughs. It’s a ridiculous, giddy sort of joy that bubbles up inside, too bright for the softness of the night. “Ouch,” he says, and knows he’s grinning. “Okay, feedback duly noted. I’ll try for romance.”
“You better,” Michael says. Under the covers, their hands find each other and hold on tight.
As much as he complains about having to sleep while holding the girls’ grace, Michael drifts off easily. Adam watches moonlight dance across his face, listens to his breathing, pulls their hands to his chest. He gets this forever. It’s been years and years since they escaped the cage, years since they’ve had something breathing down their backs, but he doesn’t think he’ll ever get over the relief of getting him like this. Getting their life, as it is now, as it will be forever.
Adam falls asleep and dreams of the morning.
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fuck it, gonna do it myself since the showrunners refuse to
Colin Bridgerton Background and Headcanons
+Colin was a chubby child, but became super lanky around his pre-teens, just before he went to Eton
+He would play piano with Francesca for Mum. He always wanted to play and sing for Papa, too, but Edmund was usually with Anthony and Benedict. Still, he and Fran would sit on the shorter velvet cushion so they could reach the pedals, and they would take turns singing silly made up songs, or church hymns
+Because of his age, he was always excluded from the 'Boys' club of the family. At ten years younger than his older brothers, and not an Heir OR the Spare, this is when he started getting particularly close with his sisters, El, Daph, and Fran. He and Daphne were almost inseparable growing up.
+Colin got SEVERAL makeovers from his sisters. They always said he was just as pretty as they were, and powdered him with too much blush, bribing him with extra snacks if he wore one of their dresses. He did, of course. Those Tea Parties were fancy affairs, after all. Once, Eloise tried to braid his hair for it, too, but it was just too short
+Of all his siblings, Colin is the only one Papa ever punished physically. After Colin hit Eloise and Papa saw, he horsewhipped him in the stable. Colin is a boy, soon to be a man, Papa said, he should never lay a hand on a lady, *any* lady. Colin wonders why he cannot hit a lady, but anyone can hit him. It's the start of his hero complex and his martyr streak, too. He does not matter in the scenario, others do. He can get hurt, but others cannot.
+It's not three months after Edmund dies that Colin is sent to Eton. He's the only boy in their entire family to ever go there, and the prestige of Oxford was just unnecessarily for a third son. The funds were already put aside, Colin's traveling trunk packed, and the first year paid out. He had no choice. As a lanky, scrawny, barely 5 feet tall 12 year old boy, Colin leaves everything he has ever known behind to mourn in private, on his own, far from anything familiar
+Eton has. . .to say problems would be an understatement. Colin is under the tutelage of the harshest superintendent of the century for only one year toward the end, but it is far more than enough. The treatment is horrible. (look it up, this is historically accurate!). 'Flogging Fridays' were so harrowing, the uprisings by the students ended in stalemates and fury. In that last year, Colin had long hit his growth spurt, and resented a bully deep, *deep* in his bones. In his last year at Eton, Colin broke so many windows in the uprising that for days after, he was picking glass shards out from his clothes
+His first year at Eton was hard. Colin was small and alone and had no one in his corner. He made friends with some others, but for the most part, he was an easy target for the older boys to pick on. His name couldn't shield him from that. Being so small, even when he tried to fight back, he wasn't very successful, and most times, they would report him for violence anyway, so his choices were two fold- sit down and take it, or square up
+Colin learns to box at Eton. It isn't encouraged, surely, but one of his classmates noticed how Colin was very much not having a good time and put two and two together. He was older, a bit fatherly, almost, even though he wasn't even 18, yet. It was his last year so he was less concerned with doing things as the world expected it. Colin followed him around like a little duckling. Everywhere James went, Colin went. They sat with each other to eat dinner, then would sneak off to spar and train. He was Colin's first crush. He never told anyone, but he *is* grateful
+When Colin comes home for the first time, he *knows* everything is different. There's already a rift forming. Colin becomes a haunt in the hallway, only there in the summers and for holiday breaks. Colin becomes a ghost, half seen, wandering Aubrey Hall. Mama is over the moon, of course, as over the moon she can be still deep in grief, as is Daphne, but Fran is quieter, now, and Eloise turns away from him, frustrated at his freedoms when she gets none. Anthony has no time for him, save to ask if his studies are well, and Benedict is busy taking care of the babs
+Colin's favorite place to be when he was home was with Hyacinth. He'd sneak into the nursery and gently hold her. Though there were nurses, Colin was there so often, they swore she never cried. The truth was, Hy cried often, but Colin would notice the signs and comfort her. It made him feel better, to know there was something in this world that might need him. No one else needed him. Not Mama, not his sisters, certainly not his brothers. So, he rocks the baby sister he barely knows, and he sings her lullabies, and he cries with her, sometimes, and he's just a little less alone
+He's 14 by the time he finally starts gaining height. A late bloomer, a professor or two teases. They thought it would never come, really. He'd been a been pole for as long as anyone could remember, ever since he turned 6, but all of a sudden, he looked almost skeletal. Shooting up near an entire foot was awful. For a lot of people in his life, this was the first they'd seen him be openly miserable and snappish. Sore and frustrated, Colin had the shortest fuse he'd ever had. Oh, he had a temper. Always did. But he typically knew how to reign it in. During his growing pains, it was impossible. This is the manifest of him not sharing his food- he was constantly ravenous, and lord help anyone trying to get between him and his plate
+Colin first meets Penelope when he's 16, filled out and coming into his own, an insta-crush for Penelope, but for Colin? First thing he thought after her bonnet knocked him off his horse is that she looked like a peach. All round and pink and in her yellow dress. Colin likes peaches. So Colin likes her. It was simple as that for him
+He never got into Eloise's rivalry about Penelope. Honestly, he didn't think about her very often. Penelope seemed sweet, but she was near silent. Eloise would tell him that she wasn't that way with her, as though bragging, and Colin just shrugged. He didn't have any real interest or investment in their friendship, but he did try to be polite. The one time, Penelope stood in front of him and tried to say something for an entire minute, only to squeak and thrust out a book at him, turning tail and making off. He found it surprisingly funny. She opened up to him slowly, got more comfortable in increments, but he thinks back to that moment and remembers that she's come a long way. Would be nice to see where they end up (forshadowinggggg)
+Colin doesn't like to drink. Never carried a torch for the taste, really, but other men did it, and only in drinking did they seem to have any semblance of closeness. Colin tries it for himself. It never really works out
+Charm becomes a second skin to hide himself in. Deflecting questions to other people, remembering details about them and bringing them up, asking questions and using humor. Funny how humor lands so much easier, now. At Eton, he had no protection. (No wonder he despises a bully) But now, he was grown. Now, he was a 'man'. A conventionally attractive man (he can't really deny it). He's tall and he's finally started filling out broad and big, and he uses it to his advantage. When he talks, in his mind, somewhere, he's still that 5 foot tall boy, crying in the carriage to an unfamiliar place or grinning and bearing it his first year at school. But this time, he has a cloak to wrap around himself. This time, yes, he's softhearted and tender, but he is also beautiful and knows how to focus on someone else, and he uses it to his advantage.
+Colin understands this privilege, because for a time, he knew what it was like without it. Colin sees what happens to those who do not have it, also. For Colin, charm is the sprinkle of honey over his bitter fears and concerns. For Colin, charm is the fun party hat everyone gets to see- not that he's sad, not that he's conflicted, not that he's unsure. He's pretty. That's enough for them
+But it isn't enough for HIM. Colin grapples with his purpose because the idea that he should be content to be attractive and well off and nothing else sits unpleasantly with him. Colin wants to be a self-made man, but he is denied the opportunity. So he tries to navigate the world as it is around him, having been pre-molded and determined to a certain outcome.
+So, Colin's arc is about becoming a Man, but he is not a conventional one, so he works from example. What do Men do? Colin certainly didn't have his father to inform him, so he relies on the other men around him. Well. . .Men visit brothels and have mistresses and drink whiskey and go to clubs, but Colin doesn't want to go to a brothel, and he doesn't desire a mistress, and whiskey burns when it goes down, acrid as the smoke thick and smoggy in the clubs. So. . .what else? Well, Men get married. Men take care of a family. Men are educated.
he can do THAT
+Colin attempts to marry in Season 1 not because he is fully infatuated (he likes Marina, sure, but his eagerness is not just rooted in such) but because he is attempting to find purpose. To find meaning. To be a Man, a GOOD man. And Good Men are married, so Colin will be married. Good Men take care of their family, so Colin takes care of his family, so Colin offers to BE her family. But because these are rooted in aimless endeavors (Colin wants to be A man, but not THE man he envisions for himself), they fall apart. Now, Penelope certainly has a hand in it falling to pieces, but Colin didn't really have the right motivations to start off with, so in season 2. . .
+He's depressed. It's odd to me that others would describe season 2 as an arc in which Colin is successful. The entire time, he is in a deep depression. Colin partakes in drugs, specifically to not think about the world, or to find peace and comfort. Colin claims that no one wants to hear his stories, even if he thinks he did everything right by traveling. (Remarkable. . .yes, in the sense that I have many remarks of it). Colin drinks even though he clearly hates it, gets migraines, hangovers, grimaces at the taste, because he is looking for ESCAPE
+But Colin cannot escape. Even on a different continent, even having run, there is no where to go. His escape is not from the ton, and not even necessarily from reality, but from his own insecurities. From what he feels are his inadequacies. Good Men are married, but in Colin's mind, he abandoned Marina. Good Men take care of their family, and Colin left his. Good Men are educated, and Colin is tripping on shrooms in the middle of Cyprus, looking at the stars, wondering what he's meant to do with himself. Colin's desires to escape are deeply rooted, but Colin doesn't want to escape a PLACE. He's done that for a long time. No, Colin wants to escape a PERSON. Himself. The himself he knows himself as
+So, instead, it's easier to be someone else. Himself is messy and sensitive and needs to rehearse what he says. Himself doesn't ever say the right thing (doesn't know how) and is boring to everyone else, besides. Himself is too painful, so it's easier to be Charming Colin. Helpful Colin. Colin taking down a scheme. Colin providing for others. Because he does not matter in it. They do.
+But he DOES. Season 3 sees Colin masquerading. Successfully, of course, but nonetheless. He's half settled into himself and half settled into the persona. When Penelope gives him the cold shoulder with no explanation? Persona. When Eloise avoids him? Persona. When Fran is getting trussed up like a calf for auction on the marriage mart? Persona. Colin spends so much of his life trying to be someone else
+And then he finds out Penelope is Whistledown, and the betrayal of it rips all his talent from him. He can no longer be Happy Colin, Smiling Colin, Here, I'll Help Colin- no, now he is just angry. Sad. Upset. Hurt. Conflicted. He can only be COLIN, and he does not want her to see. Does not want her to reveal it to everyone else, that the man they saw was a sham, that deep down, he is still that boy, that boy Marina said he was, that boy chasing dreams and fantasies, that boy curled up in the cupboard, sobbing about losing his dad, that empty, hollow boy, able to offer up nothing but charm
+But they will see. She will see. And he will see, too. Just who Colin really is. Just who he can be. And just how full and rich and wonderful the reality really is, mess and all
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