#i think that getting used to the suicidal thoughts was the worst. i've never gotten close to trying anything and i don't Want want to | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

beansplusgravy · 4 months

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I hate how the waiting list for trans healthcare is 6 fucking years. I didn't feel like I could survive when it was 3, now look at the state of it. I've thought about so many things, but I've never been brave enough to do any of it due to the potential outcome. If I fail, I feel useless and then everyone around me would know. I'm an overthinker, I need to think of every detail. And if I say my goodbyes to people over messages before I attempt anything and then end up staying alive, that would be truly embarrassing. I don't want them to worry and sometimes I feel like it would be best to do it without saying anything to them. The thought of me actually succeeding fills me with guilt. I'm not really connected with any of my family members, my step dad has literally told me he wouldn't be sad if I died, but a part of me just doesn't have the heart to put someone through such a thing.

I've thought about hurting myself again, but nothing ever feels enough for me to actually be seen. I punch myself, hold onto burning cups until I couldn't anymore, dug my nails into my skin, starved myself, but my parents seem to brush it off all the time. It makes me feel like what I'm doing isn't anything important and that hurts. It makes me feel like no matter what I do, nothing will be enough to take a moment out of their day to comfort me. I've thought about cutting my chest, burning it with a lighter or even pouring bleach onto it, anything so I can get top surgery. I've thought about damaging my genitalia. I cant stand it, I hate using the bathroom and I hate showers and baths. I don't want to look after myself anymore because I just can't stand to look at myself. But the thing is, my parents, more specifically my mum, has hammered it into me whenever I dared brought up being trans that I will forever regret getting bottom surgery and that it is the worst thing anyone can do and everyone who's ever gotten it hates themselves for it. My step dad doesn't believe top surgery is necessary for me and that I don't need it and i fucking hate him. My body doesn't even feel like my own anymore, I don't want to show my face ever and I don't want to show my voice. I hate my face, I hate everything about me. My stepdad has told me countless of times that he doesn't see me as a boy and that nothing about me is masculine and that just fucking hurts and I want to die. I cant even speak to them about how I feel because all they do is joke about my planned attempts or just fucking leave. I'm convinced that I won't be able to live a happy life until I'm on testosterone and have top surgery, but that probably won't even happen until I'm like 25 so there's no point in even living. How am I supposed to do anything that everyone else does like have relationships and stuff when everyone hates me and thinks I'm disgusting just for being born in the wrong body.

I dont want to seem selfish, my dysphoria isn't even that bad and a part of me doesn't want to take up a slot when some other trans person could have it who is a million times worser then me. Especially since where I am in the UK they aren't even taking any new people on until late 2024.

Suicide seems inevitable at this point and it's only a matter of time until I actually get the balls to do it

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mypreciousbabybug · 5 months

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8 years ago today, the worst day of my entire life, I lost you. It's said that time heals all wounds, but it's a lie. It's a flat out lie. Time has done nothing to heal me. I've only gotten worse. The years tick by & all I can think of is where you'd be now if you were still here. What you'd look like, what you'd be interested in, everything. I think of you every single day. Time heals nothing. There is a hole in my heart & every day I can feel it aching. I miss you more than anything, & I'd give absolutely anything to have you back. I feel so guilty still having suicidal thoughts when I have your sister to look after. I love her so much, but I can't seem to get past my grief. I could never act on my dark thoughts, but I often wish I'd successfully killed myself before conceiving her.. it's horrible to say, & even worse to constantly think. You sent me your sister & here I am sounding so ungrateful.. I love her, I would lay down my life for her, & I will never leave her. I find myself wishing I still had you.. instead.. I just miss you so much. I can't find solace. I've tried, but as the years go by, & my memories fade, I lose myself. I used to be able to recall every day I'd spent with you, maybe not in order but I remembered. I can't now, & it's eating me up inside. I don't want to forget & I think that's what scares me. I want to turn back time & protect you with everything I had. I desperately wish I could go back. I'm so scared for the future. I can say I'm strong enough now to not act on my dark thoughts but what will I be like when you've been gone for 10 years? 15? 20? Will I make it that far? It's horrible to think I'd leave your sister. I've put her first for so long & will continue to push on for her, but I'm not sure I can be strong forever. Parents aren't made to grieve their children.. I definitely don't feel cut out for this.. I love you so much, & I'm so sorry. I just want to be with you.

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neodimyum · 10 months

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yeah this is a vent! TW for: suicidal thoughts and general topics of decading mental health !!

i'm really just writing this for myself, knowing that i at least put it out on some degree to public, let it out of my chest, sence i haven't told or written anyone about my mental state truly and honestly for months or who knows a year, i keep putting it aside as a joke but it's plainly scary now, it creeps me out, i creep myself out technically

everywhere i look people say that with time things get better, does that mean they are supposed to get even worst first? i can't imagine surviving if that's really it,

i feel like i knkw nothing about myself but at the same time too much, sure i get awareness, but what's it worth for if i don't know how to use it, and if it fades the one moment it could save me

i'm not aware of myself, haven't been for a while now, and it's like every tiny thing is taking a chunk of what i found about myself to them, i guess that's why the 'character thing' happens, where i'm under the definite believe that i am or was at some point a certain fictional character, it comes and goes, i suppose it's there to make me think i am someone who knows themselves, but it sucks, what do i get from it?

i've cried from killing my brother, i never did that in reality. i've yearned for past lovers, i never had them in reality. i cried from not having my old body, which i never had in reality, the one i do have howhever, i forget about, just totally, i sleep in front of a mirror and scare myself everytime i wake up because that shouldn't be my face, and i forget to care about it, just let myself rot.

and with time it's definetly gonna get horribly worse, i've seen my parents, the older you get the worse your mind is, they keep telling me how in the family certain conditions run, and that with time they got worse, so i got myself a deadline, i only got about 25 years left to live i suppose, so i get to live out my 30s but don't blink during my 40s, i get to acomplish the few things i want so i have my fun and not just suffer, i do daydream about being saved though, but i won't be worth it at that point, and even now, the only people i would let save me aren't real or have simply gotten away from my life

everytime i see the news, watch a new series,

i watched the umbrella academy, silly little show was fun, untill i finished and fully believed the world was ending, they were after me and that if i died the world wouldnt, everyone looked like the characters, i hid everytime i saw something in the corner of my eye,

all of the things that gave me comfort were ripped from me, in some way or another, and even the things that still are become too much at certain points,

i've hallucinated more before, seeying my favourite characters, it made me go to sleep, something i could not go because i didn't want to see the next day, now it's more like objects, but before yesterday i saw a pine cone on the floor when walking home from school, when i went to pick it it just sorta dissapeared

i genuinely don't wanna die but i don't want to have to be supported by someone else, having to depend on someone else to know whats real and whats not, that's not a life worth living if i cry everyday because i truly believe it's my last day on earth,

i hate crying and shaking silently on class, but i guess may as well just be scared of shootings so

#vent

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jvzebel-x · 10 months

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🦋

four week review/pre-up nonsense:

♡ being an objectively kind person is always easier while disassociating, but it does always raise the question of whether it makes it more or less real

(vs whether being kind being difficult makes it more or less real)

(vs whether any of this is relevant to each other)

♡ the intrusive thoughts have not stopped (or like. lessened. lmao) but they have been easier to stop from spiraling+recognize the starts of spiraling.

this is likely (&unfortunately) a sign that upping the dosage is the right move.

♡ exactly half the time i think i'm actually more creative because i'm slightly more likely to actually complete my ideas (vs performance anxiety eating me alive)

&half the time i am in fact positive that my creativity is ruined&i'll never recover&it will always be a choice between madness&being boring (a choice i will fail at every time which is unfortunate but also not surprising bc its mostly on purpose)

♡ my memory is perhaps better than its ever been, as is my awareness of my actions.

will continue to monitor whether this is acceptable, because if it continues to be a hindrance, it isn't, lmao.

remembering now why i've spent large portions of my life running from my own memories. am i really expected to process these things? what a waste of time.

♡ my view on forgiveness has not changed at all, lmao, so the worst it can be is a personality defect, not a mental illness, as far as i'm concerned, lmao.

♡ my anger issues have not gotten better but they have gotten easier to control+manage. i feel less like a rabid dog. more... rabid bunny. much easier to cage&much fluffier to look at when detached.

this feels acceptable, but only if not directly reliant upon the disassociation. everything is always toned down with the disassociation, lmao, that isn't a decent tradeoff.

♡ have been intaking way too much yandere media as of late. most significant passive sign for concern in regards to my mental+emotional state sliding backwards, lmao.

♡ perfection. perfection. perfection. i. need. to. be. perfect.

most significant active sign for concern in regards to my mental+emotional state sliding backwards, lmao.

♡ no sudden spike in suicidal tendencies, including/especially dangerous situations.

definitive win.

♡ seeing as most/all of my confidence comes from defiance (most aptly demonstrated by the fact that it primarily appeared right around deciding to stay out to keep from being outted), slightly to the left of my body makes that significantly easier to pull off.

value also debatable. keeping my head up while walking down the street being easier is useful, but also not worth the disassociation tradeoff, &also much more likely to be reliant on it, lmao.

♡ remembering (not that i ever really forgot lmao) why strong feelings&passion, of virtually any sort, have been my most consistent and damning drugs for virtually the whole of my life. def my whole adulthood.

i have spent all day fucking with the newly bloodied hole in my head because i don't how to keep myself from feeling if feeling is an option, lmao. this is the poetic way of saying i have no self control.

♡ clearly, my ability to romanticize total fucking nonsense is still here. yet another personality defect at worst, lmao.

♡ the idea of an oncologist who specializes in gastric cancers&disordered eating still makes me nauseous as all fuck, but it no longer makes my vision blur with the heart palpitations.

definitive win.

♡ i think i'm harder on myself when i disassociate to any degree. or maybe thinking that in general is giving myself too much credit. i feel a little like dr. manhattan while he reflects on time from outside of it. is this proof that i hate myself or proof that i think too highly of myself?

the meds were supposed to make the mania happen less, not make it harder for me to figure out if it's going on. will continue to monitor-- like that'll make it any easier.

♡ i get a minimum of ~350 calories a day from actual food&not only juice now because the idea of lapsing on my meds&rebounding terrifies me, lmao. i can hate myself enough at any given moment to let my anxiety make me starve, but not nearly enough to make myself go through that. lmao.

definitive win.

♡ at least half of my doing this right now is to avoid having to sleep.

the meds were supposed to make sleep easier. this has been decidedly untrue.

♡ the taste of blood in my mouth is such a regular occurrence that i didn't notice it at all during the procedure or at any point after today.

this kind of stupid observation is exactly why disassociation is bullshit, actually, &i would rather feel than not. anything. feel anything. than not.

♡ i wonder how much of this is actually gonna make it into my appointment, lmao. i'm positive i can edit most of this into roughly acceptable for a learned doctor. maybe not the yandere thing or the confidence thing, but probably at least ~75%.

♡ believe it or not (&i don't i think), the disassociation issue with these meds has actually been getting a little better. i don't know if this is optimism (cause: obvious) or masochism (cause: fretting over the upped dosage probably resetting it)

♡ i owe the goddamn red string everything for never abandoning me along the way, goddammit, so i guess there's no getting around any of this if i ever expect to be half way stable enough to pay it all back.

every single day i wish i didn't believe in destinies or needing to be worthy of them, good or bad, lmao.

#idk what to tw this w but for the record its late night free rambles for my four week appt lmao so theres that lmao.#something something think therefore i am. something something tree falls in the woods&no one hears it did it fall???#idk im Unwell thats the whole reason why i have to do this nonsense in the first place lmao #i do genuinely believe at the very least the bulk of this is salvagable however so ill get on that after sleep&food tomorrow. or w/e. lmao.

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rajanilefreak · 11 months

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So, got a bunch of interactions with people yesterday that made me think about this and despite my original intention with this account, I've already said enough downer shit that this just goes along the norm anyway so, I am now gonna make it everyone's problem by ranting about it.

The absolute worst thing about being a high functioning Neurodifergent person for me is that people look at you and their first thought upon first talking to you isn't "Oh, clearly this person has a 'condition' and I should lay off of her if I'm even slightly of a decent person." (let's face it, there will always be asses that would be themselves towards people with visible differences in how they process the world around them) Not, their first thought is "This chick is an absolute weirdo or into some drug." or "There's something off about her but I can quite put my finger on it so I'll just treat her like all the other outcast weirdos."

Since I was a kid I always had difficulties get along with others. It's fine when you are very young because adults and other kids usually just sort of accept it as kids being kids and hey, I least I wasn't the kid that ate his boogers. that's much weirder. but then you grow up and while you can somehow understand enough about interaction with people to almost be normal compared to others, it still isn't enough, especially in the eyes of other kids.

This is especially bad in middle school, when you are starting to adapt to becoming more and more independent but still not quite there yet and how that affects how you get along with everyone in your age group. There's this sort of pressure to not be seen as lame and a loser, even if no one is quite sure what being cool really is and resort to mimicking behavior that, once they mature, they come to realize is as cringe a fuck.

Now, if I was weirder, maybe my mom would have gotten off her ass and try to find out what was up with me and maybe I would have been diagnosed sooner. In my country, people that had diagnosis as being neurodivergent get a lot of slack so while kids would have probably still been assholes, they would have held back a lot more on the bullying because the teachers would have actually done something about it in my favor.

(Like, seriously, I once heard of a girl that really shouldn't have been in a public school due to her condition that when as far a repeatedly bashing the head of a classmate against one of the bathroom sinks shut for telling her to be quiet during class and nothing happened to her. That's how biased it is over here. We all get bad reputation for the other kids and get a lot of mean words directed at us but the teachers would absolutely stand for us most of the time.)

But because I'm high-functioning enough to almost be 'normal', my mom was content to let me deal with the bullshit by myself and then berate me for not being able to socialize the way she wanted me to.

(Then again, this is the woman who read through my suicidal ideations, without my permission mind you, because school sucked ass and I barely had anything worth waking up for in the morning, and decided the best reaction was to berate me about how I don't know what the fuck depression is, that only she knew because she had it and that I should never joke about being suicidal ever again, and then proceeded to ignore the issue, so...)

I was actually already in my twenties when my mental state became bad enough that she dropped her denial and helped get a good psychotherapist to try and figure how how to help me.

That was both the best and worst thing to happen to me regarding my mental health. On one hand, I finally got a diagnosis that make things finally make sense to me. It wasn't that I was unwilling to be 'normal' like my mom was convinced. I literally was as 'normal' as I could get. I felt validated.

But then the psychotherapist also revealed to my mother that I had high intelligence level (don't know what the english version of this is, but it's not IQ because IQ mostly centers around common knowledge and not how people process things, which are two very different things) and that fucked me over big time with her.

Because, like mentioned, she likes very much to pretend I'm normal, so hearing the lady say that the reason why my symptoms weren't as pronounced for someone with my diagnosis was because I was intelligent enough to mask them automatically made her go back to thinking that I totally had the capacity to be some idealized version of me that had good grades in everything and be social with people like she wanted me to. And that also meant she never invested in learning what sort of things I had problems with because of my condition so she continued acting like her usual charming, very unhelpful and some times triggering self and I had to deal with it because college and also the unemployment levels in my country meant I was stuck living with her.

The problem with this, like many of us will tell you, is that we still are different. Masks may be good but they are still just that: masks.

Sure, i'm very intelligent but that doesn't mean that I can have good grades automatically. I have a very eclectic knowledge base but that's because of my hyperfixations and I'm not about to hyperfixate in classwork, especially when the math teacher is an ass to me and doesn't actually help and this very same issue is still very applicable to college too.

And no, explaining to her that certain actions of her are triggering some of my syptoms didn't do jack shit. She forgot it the moment after I finished explaining to her because it isn't convenient and she is very resistant to changing her life if it doesn't directly benefit her.

So why did I brought up this topic today? Yesterday I tried to make a joke-reaction to my nephew wanting to lick my ice-cream. (admitedly it was only half joking because, when it comes to food, I'm ok with sharing stuff like cookies with him because I can break them off and give him the piece whereas ice cream means saliva will inevitably be swapped and swapping saliva through food grosses me out a bit). My reaction was being claiming that this was why I had my back towards him so that he wouldn't see me eating the ice-cream and ask for some. It was meant to be said jokingly much in the way she and my sister usually banter with me using insulting things. They had said far worse to me as a joke before and the kid is two, it's not like he would have understood anything bad out of the interaction. Not when I let him lick my ice-cream anyway because, again, despite being a bit grossed out at the thought of saliva in my food, it was family which is better than a stranger licking it, and it was meant to be a joke! I was just mimicking their way of joking around because that is my basis for social interactions.

But both of them took it extremely bad. it was enough for them to badtalk me behind my back about it and then for my sister to berate me about it the moment my nephew isn't around. The worst part. I can't even defend myself because there's this underlying current in my family that me being neurodivergent doesn't justify my actions, regardless of what those actions are and that me trying to explain what I was trying to do would just be me using the neurodivergent card to excuse myself so I just stay quiet and let her at it.

It also doesn't help that i actually do feel bad about it but am incapable of properly apologizing (something to do with shit my mom did in the past, not because of arrogance, but I'm not getting into all of my other issues right now).

This isn't about me being angry about this. I'm not. But I am very frustrated about it because it always feels like I can't get anything right no matter what I do and I can't even feel safe being myself around my family on a day that was actually going rather well. Sometimes I really wish I wasn't highfunctioning because then I might actually get some fucking leeway. But then again, sometime I can't help but wonder it it wouldn't be the same shit as always even if I weren't. If no one is willing to understand where I'm coming when I'm 'easier to deal with', would they really go out of their way to understand me if i didn't have the ability to mask it?

Seriously, why were they so surprised that I was so ride and die for my former best friend despite her being not a good friend when she was the only one that used to treat me normally even with all the weirdness attached. It sucked that her parents raised her to be a bit of a social climber, wanting friends on her (monetary) level, because she used to be the only person who made me feel seen and heard. Sure, she became very bad for me later on, but the fact that even when she wasn't being a good friend I was still very supportive of her is a testament to how much better she was at supporting me (even without a fucking diagnosis slapped on me) than my family was. And she definitely had no psychology degree or any research on my particular brand of neurodivergent.

Honestly, my thougts are all over the place right now. Just when I start thinking I'm ok with being neurodivergent and that I finally got a handle on it, something happens again that makes me wish I was normal. That I didn't have to deal with not being able to think like they do. That I could just understand what jokes I can say without them blowing their tops off for them.

What am I not seeing wrong with this interaction that they saw as wrong? Was it because my nephew is two? because i remember them making worse jokes even when I was young. They certainly liked to laugh when I would hurt myself in my toddler tantrums by bashing my own head against the wall in a failed attempt at getting all my emotions out. heck they even said to do it again and I couldn't have been older than four at the time. I thought self harm was far more serious a issue than not sharing food but maybe I'm just seeing something right? So what did I get wrong? Is the food the issue? because I shared a lick with mom before him? because I only shared one lick with her and he had like four or five (before my sister snapped and bought him his own ice-cream) and he slobbers a lot more than she. Was it that particular joke about me not wanting to share food that was the problem? i just wish I could know just so that I don't run the risk of repeating whatever part was that offensive to them. at a later date.

Seriously, why are they so surprised that I prefer to spend time alone than with them. At least I don't run the risk of insulting myself and then berating myself.

#raj rants

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journalofsorts2 · 1 year

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y'know that question that the psych people always ask you when you're depressed, it's like "do you have any thoughts or hurting yourself or others?" and like i always lie cause i've been suicidal for years and i don't want people knowing that but i never really give the other part of the question too much thought. the 'or others' part y'know cause obviously i've had thoughts of hurting myself and i'm fine admitting that to myself but the thing is i have thoughts of hurting others sometimes and that's the part i don't want to admit to, not even to myself. and like most of the thoughts i have of hurting others are intrusive and i don't want them there and i'm not the one thinking them and i try to get them out of my head, but that's only like 80% of the thoughts of hurting others. sometimes i have thoughts of hurting my mom, just absolutely beating the shit out of her or i'm stabbing her or i'm doing something else to tear her limb from limb. and obviously i'm not going to act on it just like my suicidal thoughts, and i've never actually considered genuinely doing the things i think of to her. but they're not intrusive because i'm the one willing those thoughts up, i'm the one thinking those things, i want the thoughts there. i find comfort in imagining her dead by my hand. and i like to think that this is normal, that it's not impossible to imagine that i would think these things. like who wouldn't want to get revenge in some violent way against their abuser? what abuse victim doesn't imagine that? and i use that to justify my thoughts, to justify the fact that i enjoy thinking those things. but it still scares me a little. just how unaffected i would be if she died gruesomely, by my hand or not. and when i start thinking about how happy i would be at her funeral, then i start thinking how affected i would be if other people died. people that i actually enjoy. and when i think of that i can't seem to imagine how my grief would manifest because every time i try to think of how sad i would be if my sister died, or if my dad died, or if my grandma died, or god forbid my cat died, i can't imagine myself being sad, i can't imagine any sort of negative emotions, all i can picture is myself continuing life like normal. and that scares me. it terrifies me to think that someone i care a lot about dying would do nothing to me. because if i'm not affected by death of someone close how messed up am i actually? maybe it's just because i haven't had that experience yet. i mean the closest i've gotten to it is when the family cat died right before sixth grade, but i didn't care because she was a bitch of a cat and didn't have the best last years. so i didn't really care about her death that much. but i'm scared that that's how i'll feel when someone i do care about dies. idk man, my mind is my worst enemy. idk idk idk rant over

#journalofsorts rants

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annacantdie · 2 years

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written 8/26/22

one of the first steps to overcoming something is to admit it. my mom was pretty adamant about this to me growing up, if i didn’t admit i had a problem, how was i supposed to solve it? it makes perfect sense, and i agree wholeheartedly. over the course of my life i've gotten better at admitting my faults, god knows im still a stubborn bitch, but i have continually tried to overcome that in the pursuit of bettering myself. recently i’ve come to terms with what could be considered the root of many of my vices.

i hate myself.

what a phrase. honestly, with the frequency this expression is used, it has lost much of the kick that should technically go along with an honest admission. so for the sake of clarification, this is not something i mean lightly. i truly hate myself.

what determines this hate one may ask? is it rooted in physical appearance or lack of skill in certain areas? perhaps in guilt or maybe shame? while all of these things can be seen as factors, it really simpler as that. i hate life, and therefore i hate myself for living it. i’m sure there was a time growing up where i enjoyed being alive. a time when i could have genuinely said that i would not trade it for death, a time when i may have even been scared of death. this time has come and gone though, and somewhere along the last six years or so i have shifted into a lifestyle where i simply tolerate being alive. i have at times been extremely suicidal, even in my drakest moments actually making an attempt or being dangerously close to it, but those moments are few and far between. in general i just am neutral to the idea of living. getting out of bed in the morning is a chore, eating is even worse, and maintaining a social life could be the worst of all. i sludge myself up everyday and get these things done, and it’s not like i find no enjoyment in things, because there are things that make me happy. the way i look at things is as if they were weighed on a scale. one side holding my will to live, and one side holding my desire to die. positive things generally find themselves in the will to live category, while negative fill the latter. but unfortunately, no matter how many good things are piled on, they never seem to outway their dreaded counterpart. almost as if someones placed a hand on that side, pushing to keep the scales from tipping. though, as illustrated with this analogy, there are many positives. and while those things don't make me want to live per say, they make it tolerable. which is all i can ask for at this point

i remember the first time i ever seriously longed for death. i think i was twelve, maybe thirteen years old. there was a mirror in this apartment my family stayed in for a brief time, and one day, as i gazed into this piece of cheap glass, probably hung by nothing more than a pushpin on our creaky walls, i thought the exact words, “i wish i were dead.” –now i cannot be completely sure that this instance was the first time i’d ever had thoughts like this, but i earnestly believe that this was the first time i ever meant it. that memory has stuck itself in my brain like a leech to a leg, and it has defined my entire outlook on life for every measly day since. these thoughts were not inheritnly suicidal in the beginning, more so about a guilty wish. but as years went on, the thoughts and feelings grew an edge to them, which has evolved them into a ghost i have to settle, because whenever it presents itself it is not good. though i have in any ways learned to live with this weight on my back, and for the most part it’s become an annoyance more than a problem. though to circle back to the point at hand, due to this general distaste for life, i don’t really find an immense amount of enjoyment in my physical being. i find myself okay looking, and i take care of my appearance, i do things i enjoy and i try not to be an asshole, but what i think is hard for people to grasp is that even though i like aspects of me, i resent myself for living. its hard to explain.

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south-park-meta · 2 years

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What are your thoughts on the boys' parents? This is for no reason other than I like reading your answers.

Aw thanks!

When I was a kid and watched South Park a handful of times, I started off liking pretty much everyone but Gerald. I thought the other parents could be dicks but they were the kind of dickish parents that I related to more myself/were parents that either my friends or I had. Pluuuus in early seasons the big thing Gerald was was condescending, and one of my biggest button-pressers as a kid (and now lol) was people talking down to me or acting like I was dumb.

I still mostly like earlier seasons Sheila, Sharon, and Randy, though with a more adult perspective not so much for the McCormicks since there's active physical abuse shown....

Liane I've never had much of an opinion on. How the show approaches her has always seemed the least consistent of any of main parents to me. It feels more like fitting her into a role rather than the show being shaped around her responses sometimes. That happens a bit with the other parents but I think it's worse with her for me since she has less screen time outside of that.

As the show's gone on I've liked the moms more and the dads less overall. Sharon and Sheila are both supportive moms in their own ways. They both want what's best for their kids, encourage them to talk, and encourage medical or psychiatric treatment pretty readily. I think Stan and Kyle both have relatively healthy relationships with their moms, and when BIG problems come up they're decently willing to go to their moms for advice. I've seen Sheila in particular criticized for making Kyle 'scared' to talk to her but he seems scared in a regular kid way to me, not ACTUALLY scared he's going to get hurt by her or anything. Tbh Stan seems less willing to talk to his mom than Kyle does to me, and that's because the Marsh family on a whole has built a weird dynamic around ignoring issues rather than because he's scared his mom will hurt him, too.

Gerald's a character I never liked to start with and pm can't STAND now. All his recent plots suck, he's a terrible person and basically irredeemable. His brand of shittiness is often a lot more 'everyday' than a lot of the other shittiness in South Park which doesn't help. Like you're going to run into a smug Yelper, or a troll who suicide baits online, a lot faster than you'll run into a lot of the ways they've run Randy's character down like blowing up houses and shit like that. They've made him more human in the most negative way possible. I'm also not really thrilled with it because so much of it is tied up in negative Jewish stereotypes and caricature. Which was always true but seems a lot more straightforward, with Gerald being less self-aware or reflective, than it used to be. He's a terrible dad and was also closer to Kyle when Kyle listened to him unquestionably. He puts Kyle down more now because Kyle doesn't just listen to him without thought.

Randy's a tough one for me because I relate enough to Stan that I want his relationship with his dad to be net positive. That was something that was truer in the early seasons. Early on, even if Randy did something stupid that could've gotten Stan hurt or killed, it still seemed clear enough that he didn't want anything bad to happen to any of his family. A lot of his earlier behavior seemed at worst ignorant, at best a 'his heart was in the right place'. I've seen a few people flip a switch on Randy when it came to Post Covid because not only did he spend solid decades blaming Stan (and went right back to 'no YOU fucking killed our family' seconds after forgiving him and telling him it wasn't his fault lol) but seemed to genuinely care more that Tegridy burned than that his family was destroyed.

To me the moments that get me more are actually Stan and Randy's interactions in episodes like Band in China. Like when Randy says he's not going to see the band perform and tosses that hemp shirt in Stan's face. That's a rough one for me because like, Stan is TRYING to connect with his dad and actually articulate the problem and Randy tells him to fuck off. AND Stan still actually does wear the hemp shirt even though Randy's not even going to be around?? While I guess there's an element of saying 'fuck the farm' in that considering the content of the song, I don't think that's all there is. The level of wanting Randy's approval and wanting Randy to listen to him while getting multiple essential 'fuck you's is just really sad to me. I'm hard pressed to root for Randy now but I like enough of their early seasons' relationship to want it to turn around.

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femme-xx-fatale · 3 years

Text

Just Hold Me For Now

Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader

Warnings: Mentions of self harm, depression, attempted suicide, poor body image, and swearing.

Word Count: 1.2k

A/N: I haven't published any fanfics in literally years, but I've really been inspired to start writing again lately, so constructive criticism is welcome but please be kind!! I'm still quite rusty haha <33 Also, I would love to take writing requests :))

Also, my intention is not to romanticize depression, self harm, etc., I have genuinely tried to write this is a way that doesn't glorify any of that, but having gone through a similar experience, this was very healing to write.

You were standing in front of the full length mirror in your bedroom, tears dripping down your cheeks as you examined your reflection in the glass. You were wearing a pair of black, Nike shorts that stopped at your upper thighs, and an oversized, grey tee shirt that had definitely belonged to your boyfriend at one point. Your hair was thrown up into a messy bun, and your skin felt especially clean and soft, mainly due to the fact that you had just finished a long shower.

One detail about you, however, stood out from the rest. Long, deep scars covered some parts of your body, and god did you hate them. The way they looked running up your arms and thighs like steps on a ladder disgusted you, and brought old feelings of shame and regret up to the surface once again. How could anyone even love you?

The scars were old, you hadn't cut yourself for a few months now. It had been long enough, in fact, that though they had once seemed forever red and angry, they were now turning white with age. That didn't change the fact that they were horrible reminders of dark times, reminders you couldn't possibly get rid of.

As you looked at those dreadful scars, you remembered vividly the day that your boyfriend, Peter Parker, had demanded that you never hurt yourself again. You had been sitting in a bed at the hospital, with Peter crying and begging you to never hurt yourself again as he held you close to him. He had held you so tightly it seemed to you that he was afraid of you slipping away forever, even if the worst had already been avoided. The night before you had landed in the sterile hospital room, he had found you passed out in this very room, in a puddle of your own blood. The blood stains on the carpet came out, but it still hurt to look at the carpet, knowing where you were that night. Before then, he hadn't known you struggled with self-harm, and he was stunned at the news. He was terrified to loose the love of his life. He almost did, honestly. If he had taken even a few minutes longer to find you, then you would've slipped away forever. But he was really your superhero, and he saved you that night.

He had always told you that night would never leave his memory. You guessed that finding you like that, not even knowing you were unhappy, must've been horrible for him, and a pang of guilt hit you in the chest. You definitely weren't thinking about cutting again now, but the sight of the irreversible scars was depressing, and the embarrassment and shame of it all definitely wasn't going away anytime soon. Even though some of your close friends and family knew about your trip to the hospital, and must've assumed you had scars, you still always wore long sleeves and pants in front of them. Even with Tom you felt shy having him be able to see them, but you tried not to worry too much about it with him. Sometimes, you couldn't help getting eaten up with insecurity over it, though.

As you tried to calm all of the insecurities within your mind, your crying slowed, leaving you looking slightly disheveled due to your outburst of tears. You slowly felt the raised lines on your left arm, your fingertips being overly delicate, because you remembered exactly how much they used to hurt.

Suddenly, you heard the sound of your bedroom window being swung open, breaking through your thoughts, Instinctively, you reached for a hoodie that was crumpled up in the chair next to you. Unfortunately, you weren't quick enough, and the person entered the room before you could hide your arms.

"Y/N?" Peter asked awkwardly, somehow sensing that this was possibly a bad time. He'd gotten into the habit of coming in through your bedroom window, as your parents didn't exactly enjoy the idea of your boyfriend spending late nights with you.

Before you could even speak, his eyes drifted towards your uncovered arms, so you crossed them awkwardly across your chest. "Shit, Peter! You scared me!" You yelled, kicking him lightly on the shin with your foot.

"I didn't mean to scare you..." he mumbled awkwardly, eyes still glued to your forearms, but eventually traveling up to your face. You knew he noticed you'd been crying. How could he not, with your tear-stained cheeks and puffy eyes? He hesitated for a minute before saying anything, but eventually pointed out the obvious.

"Were you crying?" He asked, and you sighed, knowing he wouldn't let you lie your way out of this one.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Peter, you'll be surprised to hear this, but actually, its none of your business," you replied sassily, catching a glimpse of your red eyes and tear stained cheeks in the mirror as you spoke.

"Drop the attitude, I'm only trying to help, Y/N," He reminded you, not unkindly, but seriously. "Let me be here for you, please baby."

"I'm just upset," you relented after a few seconds of silence, wiping at your eyes with the back of your hand.

"As if I hadn't guessed that," Peter replied, rolling his eyes a little. "Let me see your arms a minute." The second he said that, you crossed your arms around yourself even more tightly.

"Well, they're right here," you muttered.

"Can you cooperate and actually hold them out for me so I don't have to make you?" He asked, even though you knew full well that if your answer was 'no', he would leave it at that. Even though he didn't always act like it, he did respect you completely. Normally, you loved his persistence and sassy attitude, but today, it was much less appreciated. You hesitated a moment before finally holding them out to him. He grabbed your hands up in his bigger, stronger ones carefully, rubbing his thumbs gently over the nearest scars, close to your wrist bone.

"Y/N..." He trailed off, and you thought you caught him tearing up. "You know I love you so much, right baby?" You felt yourself tearing up again.

It didn't take long for you to end up wrapped up in his arms, your legs around his waist as he held you close to his chest.

"How can you stand me?" You whispered after a few moments of quiet that only the crickets and soft breeze outside your window interrupted. You said it so quietly, that you didn't know if Peter had even heard you.

"What do you mean, babygirl?" he asked quietly, genuinely confused. You buried your face further into the crook of his neck before responding.

"I don't know... I just... You know so many pretty girls, but here I am. My scars are so ugly, they make me so ugly," you said, fighting back sobs the loud sobs that begged to be released from your throat. Tears were flowing freely from your cheeks, though.

"What? Y/N! You're like the prettiest girl I know," he said, not quite sure exactly what to say, but knowing he loved you and thought you were absolutely beautiful. "Listen babe, I mean it. You're so pretty and your scars don't make me see you any differently!! Like you're gorgeous and beautiful and just so damn pretty babe, like I don't even know how I pulled you-" You shushed Peter, cutting him off, but now you were smiling through your tears. You were feeling much better than you had before, and thanked him.

"I love you too baby," you smiled, kissing him gently.

#peter parker #peter parker x reader #spiderman #spiderman x reader #marvel angst #tom holland #tom holland x reader

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khaleesiofalicante · 3 years

Note

Trigger warning: so if you don't feel like answering this or don't have the energy. That's alright of you don't.

I've been holding this in for months now and I don't want to tell anyone or burden anyone, (here I am doing it though). but I relapsed back into my suicidal thoughts, and I'm so angry because I was getting better, and now I'm back to staying for other people and not myself. And I'm so tired of living with it, I think 2020 and 2021 brought it back on, and I'm just tired of living with these thoughts every day. My depression and OCD have gotten bad again too, and I'm just tired of feeling this way.

I can't confide in my friends because they have issues of their own and I don't want to burden them. and my family will flip and want to send me back to a kind of suicide prevention place for a week like last time when I attempted. I'm not there, just have the thoughts, but they'll flip. And I don't want to go back there, I don't.

So I've been holding it in for so many months, and lately all I can think is "I hope I don't wake up." or "I hope something happens to me."

And it sucks because I was getting better, and then more shit in my life happened, and I just want a break, and I usually go to fandom for that but all that does is upset me now as well, and I feel isolated, and like I don't really belong even though I seem to fit in so perfectly (even in fandom). Sometimes it feels like no one really thinks there's a possibility that i'm not okay, because i seem so fine and sure of myself. And people tell me I'm so strong but I'm tired of always being so strong, I want to not have to be strong anymore. But then I see people call suicide shameful and a disgrace, and I feel pathetic for the thoughtas. And the time I attempted it, and survived, people called me crazy, and I don't want to be called crazy again, I'm already a big enough fuck up in my family lmao.

I'm sorry for bothering you, and I hope I didn't trigger you or anything. I got a sudden burst of will to finally reach out and say something to someone lol. And I just needed to vent and get it out.

Hello love,

Thank you for reaching out. I'm so proud of you for talking about this. It couldn't have been easy.

I'm sorry that people have responded to your struggles with no empathy or kindness in the past. I hope you know it says more about them than it does about you. While you might believe you need to become stronger, sometimes strength means nothing if the world around you doesn't become kinder. So, try not to think of yourself as the problem - because you're not.

You don't have to take my advice, but I would strongly recommend that you talk to your parents about how you are feeling right now. You might not be in the edge as you say, but you don't always have to wait till the last possible moment. Sometimes, acting early can be really helpful. If you don't want to go back to that camp for any reason, then please do look into other options. Are there any other camps or centers that can support you? Share these options with your parents and ask for their help.

You are never, ever a burden for asking for help. I think if it was the other way around...If one of your friends was struggling and needed your help and reached out to you, I think you would help them. I don't think think you would see them as a burden. So, have the same faith in those who love you too.

Sometimes I feel like I hope I don't wake the next day too. Those days are the worst - and are so scary. At times like that, I remind myself of all the little things I would miss in my future. I would never get to see whether I look foxy when my hair starts to gray. I would never get to the be the cool wine aunt who is also the gay aunt. I never get to know what happens in the end of the shadowhunter chronicles - that last one is particularly terrifying to me. This is an exercise that helps me. I hope it helps you too - at least in the moment.

You shouldn't protect yourself out of fear or shame or judgement. Don't do it for those around you. Do it for yourself. Being strong can be really, really tiring. I feel you. I really do. So, it's okay to take a break - as long you remember to pick yourself up.

I know one thing for sure.

You are not weak. You are not crazy. You are not a fuck up.

I bet the people who said those things don't have half the courage or resilience you have right now.

And another thing.

You are a fighter. You went to the camp and came back stronger. You got better, remember? That was all you. If you did once, you can do it again.

I know you feel like giving up, but the fact that you reached and talk about this shows that you want to keep fight.

There is a part of you that wants to keep fighting - hold on to that.

These last two years took so much from us. We are not going to let it take you away too. You are staying right fucking here.

You belong on this hell site. You belong to this world. You belong to yourself.

I know you are looking for strength. But at this time, you need love and support too - now more an ever.

Reach out. Ask for help. There is nothing shameful about it. You are fighting for yourself and your future - that is an inspiring and beautiful thing. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I'm always here (anon or not) if you want to talk about anything at all - even to discuss what the future would look and what we would miss if we didn't give ourselves the chance to see it.

(ps - This includes a free opportunity to discuss all possible theories about what happens to Magnus Bane in the future - if you don't know who that is then holy shit you have so much to learn so don't give up!!!!)

I hope you feel a little better after reaching out. I hope it encourages you to reach out to more - to me or anyone else.

All my love, Dani x.

#support #mental health #tw suicide #tw depression

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rottenbutrecovering · 3 years

Note

Suicide tw / self harm mention tw: You ever not be depressed for a while or seriously depressed for a while and begin worrying/ wondering if you were faking it or if it wasn't real? I've been depressed since I was like 13 and I'm 22 now and I can still have bad days but not as badly as when I was younger? It was really bad when I was 16-19 like at its worst bc I began self harming and I'd planned two suicide attempts. My intrusive thoughts became intense and much more noticeable and I got tactile hallucinations. I still get intrusive thoughts due to my ocd but I don't get tactile hallucinations anymore and I think about suicide less plus my depressive spells seem to be more evened out than before but I feel like such a huge faker because I'm not constantly suffering the way I used to. I've not been to therapy or been given meds. I haven't made new friends or had new experiences to change anything. I guess I've just gotten used to it? Sorry to ramble there. Anyway does anyone else get this feeling?

I know exactly this feeling, Nonnie. Whilst therapy is ofc worth it, in some people (not all) as we grow we learn some more coping mechanisms. We may (unknowingly) learn triggers, learn to notice when a bad period starts, and how to avoid feeling worse. Your personal life may have also improved in ways you havn’t noticed (have you got less contact with harmful people, changed your diet, avoiding triggers, moved out, got more sturcture etc) and that can help, too. And honestly, puberty genuinely can make mental illnesses a lot worse. Getting out of that and having your hormones chill out genuinely can lead to symptoms lessening. It doesn’t mean those symptoms were fake/not real, just that puberty may have exacerbated them.

But either way - you’re not, and never were a faker. Mental health is WERID and inconsistent. What matters is your symptoms, both from the past and now, were and are real experiences that you didn’t fake.

#Text #answered #advice #suicide tw #self harm tw

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god-save-the-keen · 4 years

Text

Luke Danes, the most perfect man, propmt list!

1. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm great. It's big, fat, happy sunshine day for me."

2. "Name, are you a gigolo?"

3. "Ever worry that if a bird flies into your head it might never get out?"

4. "My life meant nothing until you used my toothbrush."

5. "Will you just stand still?" *Kiss her/him*

6. "Name, this thing we're doing here, me, you, I'm in. I am all in."

7. "And it's so good to have someone to share this hate with."

8. "Are trying to kill me?" *Losing his/her patience.*

9. "I just like to see you happy."

10. "When you make plans, then you have expectations, and when you have expectations, they… you will get disappointed."

11. "You know my father always told me that whatever does not kill you makes you stronger." "You're gonna be really strong."

12. "Have you seen Name1 or Name2?" "No, but have you tried the insane asylum, where everyone in this room is supposed to be."

13. "On the verge of blubbering here." "Not doing too well myself." "Not you, too." "I'm blubbering. You're freaks!"

14. "Name, what is it exactly that you want me to do? I'm not mad, I'm not holding a grudge, I heard your apology, I feel I'm being polite, I listened to your donut bit, I got you your coffee. What would make you happy?"

15. "Go to hell!" "Right back at ya!"

16. "You ate that?" "No, I didn't eat it!" "Oh, of course." "I'm upset not suicidal!"

17. "He's systematically buying up the town. He's gonna turn it into Nameville, where everyone will have to wear cardigans and have the same grass height!"

18. *About a messy room* "I'm having nightmares where I'm being chased by boxes with arms and they tackle me and throw clothes on top of me and secure it with masking tape and while I'm lying there, you're standing in the corner laughing putting gel in your hair!"

19. "You know what?" "What?" "This is nice."

20. "We should have eaten before we came." "Shh! And, yeah."

21. "Name1, this is Name2. She/He owns the Independence Inn." "Oh." "That's "hello, nice to meet you" in slacker."

22. "So are you going to act?" "Yes, I am. I'm going to act like you never came in here."

23. "That's it, gets upstairs and change." "Whatever you say, Uncle/Aunt Name." "It's Name. Just Name. Mister Name. In fact, don't address me at all!"

24. "You're really just gonna stand there and watch me eat a Danish?" "Cable's out. I'm starved for entertainment."

25. "Me? Raising a kid? I don't even like kids. They're always sticky like they've got jam on their hands. Even if there's no jam in the house, somehow, they've always got jam on their hands! I'm not the right guy to deal with that. I have no patience for jam hands!"

26. "That's what you want?" "Yes." "That's really what you want?" "Yes!" "You got it." "Thank you!" "You're welcome!" *As they cross over a bridge, Person1 pushes Person 2 into the water.*

27. "Can I ask you stupid questions?" "There's no such thing." *Frustrated* "How does the ink come out of pens?!" "Okay, there is such a thing."

28. "I think you can hack anything."

29. "I guess if you can find that one person, you know, who's willing to put up with all your crap and doesn't want to change you or dress you, or you know, make you eat French food, then marriage can be all right...but that's only if you find that person."

30. "Crazy people. The whole town should be medicated and put in a rec room with ping-pong tables and hand puppets."

31. "Doesn't matter what time it is. I'll always be around."

32. "I warned him/her. I warned him/her when I first met him/her, if he hurt her/him...Ah. Maybe I could key his/her car." "Better yet. Key Name1's car and tell him/her Name2 did it."

33. "Get away from me you mental patient!"

34. "Is this bothering you?" "This conversation? Yes."

35. "I hate that he/she's pleased."

36. "Hamsters can't laugh." "Oh, this one laughed - trust me."

37. "Your mother called me an idiot."

38. "C'mon, you gotta think positive here. Bright side, good thoughts. Rainbows, unicorns. *slowing down* Clowns. *Pause* Little ... cute ... *Longer pause*... furry ... *Giving up* Okay, I'm out."

39. "I can't imagine anyone seeing you as a disappointment."

40. "That's the wrong table." "Since when is there a right table?" "Since the coffee cake I baked for you and the stupid balloons I blew up for you are at that table over there."

41. "Will you marry me?" "What?!" "Just...looking for something to shut you up."

42. "This is not an herbal tea morning. This is a coffee morning." "Every morning for you is a coffee morning."

43. "It's like my life isn't even real to me, unless you're there, and you're in it, and I'm sharing it with you."

44. "I never thought in my wildest dreams that it would happen, that you and me would happen. But we did it."

45. "Don’t add stuff from your to do list to my to do list."

46. "You wanted something festive." "You made me a Santa burger." "It's not a big deal."

47. "The only way out of this life is in a body bag."

48. "Listen, I know I'm not the easiest guy/girl in the world to build a life with and to share a house with, but there is no one who will be more here for you than me. I will never leave. I will never think about leaving."

49. "You won't have to hear my opinion on anything ever again, okay?" "Oh, don't tease."

50. "The things you find amusing astound me sometimes."

51. "Wow, I feel important." "You are important."

52. "Last time you gathered up some of my stuff, you accidentally brought me four bras/brief and no pants." "That could've been intentional."

53. "God, that's terrible! It's like drinking 'My little pony'!"

54. "We kissed." "I remember." "It was a great kiss." "Yeah." "So you concur?" "Dear god, yes."

55. "All you need is six dancing penguins and Mary Poppins floating in the corner--" "--to bring back two of the worst hours of my childhood!"

56. "An ice rink? How did this happen?" "Jack Frost brought it." "Did he look like Name Lastname?" "A little. Not as handsome/gorgeous."

57. "Your slave is here." "And where's the french maid outfit?" "I've got it under the plaid."

58. "You kept this in your wallet." "Eight years."

59. *Awkwardly grabbing the another person's head* "I'm not good at hugging."

60. "I'm prepared to jump up and down if necessary."

61. "I can be a movie guy/girl. You like movies."

62. "You're watching me watch the movie. It's creepy."

63. "I shouldn't have gotten into a business that involves dealing with people."

64. "It just my favorite time of the year. The whole world changes color." "I think I'm blacking out."

65. "Keeping tabs on me?" "Always safer to know which direction the tornado's coming from "

66. "Fresh coffee will be ready in a minute unless you want to just roll up a dollar bill and go nuts."

67. "What the hell was that?"

68. "The only bright side of my day is being asked to be a prostitute." "That's something to cling to."

69. "What? Relationships? Look who you're asking."

70. "You enjoy typing to people more than talking to them?"

Use it, shared them, ask for a request, have fun! ❣️

#luke danes #luke gilmore girls #gilmore girls #writing prompt #prompt list #ask prompt #prompt #dialogue prompts #daily prompt #fanfic #fanfic writing #fanfiction

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nico-idc · 3 years

Text

random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that. Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently.

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why.

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now.

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

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youtube

I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression.

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory.

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions.

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”.

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt.

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first.

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this

#cussing tw #swearing tw #tw suicide mention #tw self harm #tw eating disorder #vent post

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justanotherlifeff · 4 years

Text

Levi Ackerman × reader

Genre: Angst, Hurt/comfort, Fluff, matured themes, slowburn

Warning: There's mentions and descriptions of underage rape and suicidal themes and self harm.

Levi POV

The M.P expected us to turn Eren in after the failed operation but Erwin apparently had a plan. I woke up and went to the dining hall to find (Y/N) making tea. Just two cups for today. She avoided looking at me. Her eyes were puffy which meant she cried to sleep. I never thought the death of our comrades would make her cry. She didn't seem like someone who would cry about what happened in the past that easily. I didn't want to judge her though because even if I didn't see her get too close to anyone from the team, she still must have cared.

"Rough night?" I asked her as she set down a cup of tea and some biscuits in front of me. "Yeah. A bit" she answered and took a sip of her own tea. There was an awkward silence between us as I didnt know what to say to her. "I wish I died instead. Things would've been better that way" she murmured again and took a biscuit from the plate. "Don't say that. What happened has happened. We can't change anything and I'm glad that you're alive. You're a big asset to the team" I replied. I knew I was bad at giving condolences to people but this probably was the worst I've ever done.

"You aren't glad captain. Wouldn't you have preferred it if Petra was alive instead? After all, you were supposed to get married to her. I... I could've saved her you know. But I didn't because I had some personal issues with her. I wasted that one second of advantage that I had over the female titan just because I didn't know which would've been the right decision. The one I made was clearly wrong, by general ethics and also because it caused a lot more trouble for you and uncle Erwin. The most horrible thing about it is that I… I felt relieved that she's out of my way. I regret the fact that my decision made someone lose their child and someone lose their… loved one. What I did is a punishable offence and I would gladly accept my punishment." she said looking down at the table.

I sighed at that. Of Course she had something to do with this. Someone with her level of skills could've easily gotten out of that situation.

"(Y/N), I will be blunt with you. What you did was selfish, irresponsible and immature. I won't go on with the ethics here because I personally killed people who had a problem with me back in the underground. However, (Y/N), we are not underground now. We are up here where ethics have value. I personally made some very immature mistakes during my first expedition too, trying to kill Erwin. That got the two people I ever gave a damn about killed. I won't report this to the higher ups because I tried to kill a comrade on my first expedition too due to my selfish whims. However, (Y/N), if anything like this happens again, I won't hesitate to report to Erwin. I care about my comrades and you will have to take responsibility for such actions. The titans are already out to kill us during the expeditions and killing each other won't help humanity or your goals. I won't ask you to be ashamed of what you did. You made the decision and you are owning it. However, I am not proud of what you did. I expected you to be able to keep your personal feelings out of your job. By the way what do you mean by that deal about marriage? Petra had a crush on me but the feeling wasn't mutual. I wish I transferred her to another squad but I can't change anything now. Petra and I weren't supposed to get married. She just ranted about it to her father I suppose so that he could convince me." I said to her in a monotone voice, wondering if that thing about marriage that Petra probably bragged to (Y/N) about made (Y/N) make such a bad decision while her eyes widened.

"But I saw you two kissing... " she started when I interjected "she just confessed her feelings to me then and kissed me out of nowhere and you opened the door before I could process the whole information and push her off me." I explained. "But she told me you are dating her..." she started again and I interjected again to say "She was bluffing" this time annoyed because she just isn't getting the message. "But why.." she started again and I stopped her again to say, "because I like someone else you idiot! ".

At this point, she looked like someone punched her in the gut as a flash of regret glinted in her eyes. It passed in mere seconds before she looked surprised at me and asked, "Heichou, don't mind me asking but are you gay? And is that Eren?" The look on my face probably made her understand how ridiculous that theory is. Why did she even assume that? "Sorry for assuming. But if you're not gay, it must be Hanji.." she muttered and I could see a speck of sadness in her eyes. Does that mean she likes me too?

"Why would I even like that titan loving shitty glasses? She's like a sister." I told her in my monotone voice. "Oh! So, is it someone I know?" she asked me. "You do know that I'm your superior right brat? You shouldn't be asking questions like this." I told her. "You told me that I can trust you. Doesn't that mean you should trust me too? And these trust businesses kinda make us friends right? Since we are trusting each other about things that are personal? And I thought friends talk to each other about stuff like who they are interested in." she told me with a straight face but her voice betrayed her. She was nervous.

"What's in it for you?" I asked her. She can't know I'm interested in her. "Just curious. I'm not great at making friends and since I happened to make a friend by myself, I just thought I'll try to make a conversation. Sorry for bothering you captain." she muttered, without looking at me. "Look, it's best if you don't know. I like someone I'm not supposed to. If this gets out, both her and my reputation will be on the line." I explained to her with a serious tone. It was the truth. After a pause, she said, "I happen to be in a similar situation" with a smile. She really should smile more often.

(Y/N) POV

I felt like a complete idiot. Of Course Petra lied. It was all sinking in now. I got someone killed because I was a selfish piece of crap. And to add to my guiltiness, she wasn't even with Levi heichou. How could I do this to her? To her parents? "Why the hell are you still alive! Such a burden... Just get out of my house and die somewhere will you?!" I remember a voice shouting at me, a memory of my childhood, a memory from the underground that never left me. Was I becoming like her? That woman who sold me off to that brothel? Was I becoming like my biological mother? That woman broke every promise she ever made to me. Could I live with myself if I became like that?

I decided not to think more of it because I probably would never be able to look in the mirror and tolerate myself. With that, I stopped thinking about it and just as heichou mentioned that he liked someone, I blurted out that I am in a similar situation without giving it a second thought.

Who was he talking about? That day after looking at Petra kiss heichou, I came to the conclusion that I have feelings for Levi heichou and I don't regret Petra's death because her absence made my insecurities go away. I felt like I'm a monster for thinking that way and cried quite a bit thinking how disappointed my parents could have been, how disappointed everyone would've been in general as I thought about it last night. I also thought that heichou just lost his fiancee and I definitely didn't have a chance because he probably would be too devastated to be with other women.

Now that I knew the truth, I felt plain guilt, however, as there was the slightest possibility that the girl heichou likes could be me, I didn't have any intention to let go of this chance. "I'll tell you who I like if you tell me about you. That way no one can double cross each other." I said to him. "I don't feel comfortable about telling you who she is." heichou stated, not looking at me. I could see him blushing. It was a sight to see.

"We could play a game of 5 questions. We will ask each other 5 questions and both can answer as yes or no. Is that okay?" I proposed. I personally always hated this game that Eren and my fellow members of the 104 trainee corps made up but at that moment, I couldn't think of any other way to get heichou to open my mouth. "Isn't that a children’s game?" heichou asked me, raising an eyebrow. "Well, yes but we don't exactly have things to do right now so why not kill time doing this?" I reasoned. "Yeah I guess we do have some time to kill.." he answered, sounding a bit unsure.

"Do I know her?" I asked. "Yes. And is it a man?" he answered and asked.

"Yes. Is she from the 104 training Corps?" I answered and asked again.

"Yes. Do I know him?" he answered and asked.

"Yes. Was she in the top 10 recruitments?" I answered and asked. A blush formed on my face. So he was into someone from our training Corps..

He looked away and said, "Yes. Is he from the 104 trainee Corps?" The tension between us increased.

"No. Was she in the top 3?" I asked not looking at him. If he says yes, it's either me or Mikasa.

"Yes. Does he happen to be a squad leader?" he asked. His body was tense and he averted his eyes from mine. I did the same since I was too nervous.

"Yes. Was she in the first position?" I almost whispered. I was speechless. I never thought that slightest hope could become something so big.

"Yes. Is he the captain of the survey corps?" he asked while running a hand in his hair. His face looked serious. He was interested in me.

"Yes'' I whispered. I was so shocked that I didn't know how to react. I should've felt happy but in reality, I felt terrified. I knew why I felt that way. It's because the reality sunk into me. The world was a cruel place. Bad things happened whenever I believed in people. I wasn't ready to lose him. I didn't know if I ever could be ready for that. He looked at me with wide eyes. I could see the fear in them. He was scared too and I understood why he felt that way. He was right. This was impossible.

Levi POV

Did we just confess to each other? What the hell am I doing? This isn't like me at all. I seriously agreed to play this stupid game those cadets made up just to know who she had feelings for? I knew that if it wasn't me, I would make their life in the survey corps much more hellish than it already is. Now that I know that it's me, it bothered me that I would have to break her heart.

However, this girl made me make all sorts of bad decisions and I couldn’t even hate her for it. I looked straight at her eyes. She was blushing and her eyes were as terrified and sad as mine. This wouldn't work and she understood it. I was glad that she understood the issue because explaining this would be a big problem.

The silence was broken by Eren. "Hey (Y/N), you made breakfast?" he asked her cheerfully. (Y/N) muttered a "No" with her usual monotone voice. Eren didn't notice the tention in the room because of how stupid he is as he sat down beside (Y/N). "They are late.." I broke the silence.

"I can't believe that good-for- nothing Erwin.. Making me wait. The MPs are going to get here first. Most likely.. He's having some trouble taking a shit." I stated which made Eren laugh while (Y/N) remained stoic. She probably still was processing everything. I took another sip of the tea and placed it on the saucer.

"Heichou, you're pretty talkative today," Eren pointed out nervously. Of Course I was. I confessed to (Y/N) a while back and the situation just got more complicated. I was talking so much because there was too much on my mind. "Don't be stupid. I've always been talkative" I answered instead.

"Eren" (Y/N) called out, her face looked like it had aged suddenly. I knew that she was about to talk about her contribution to the death of my squad to Eren. She seemed more worried about the squad's death.

"I could've saved Petra and that would've saved Oluo but I didn't because of my own personal issues. I was wrong to do that. My priorities shouldn't be greater than anyone's life. I need to know if you can forgive me after hearing this." she told him, her voice monotone.

"(Y/N)... I can't forgive you for the decision you made but, I made a wrong choice too. That was what got you in that situation. It all started from me. Back then, if only I hadn't made the wrong choice things might have been different. Even you were injured..." Eren stated, looking at me at the end.

"I told you two. No one knows how things will turn out. Stop blaming yourselves for this. It's just how the situation was." I answered, shutting them up. The last thing the survey corps needed right now were soldiers that had regrets. Just then Erwin and the others arrived.

(Y/N) POV

Armin came to a conclusion that Annie could be the female titan. The plan was, when the military police would come to escort us, Eren, Armin and Mikasa would sneak out. They would take Annie to the abandoned underground city in stohess district and fight her there with some other survey corps soldiers and with Eren's titan powers. I was supposed to be with Levi Heichou and Uncle Erwin. Both of us were injured and we weren't allowed to participate in the fight.

Everything was going according to the plan until there was a lightning and a gust of smoke. We knew the plan had failed. Commander Nile looked surprised and was talking to Uncle Erwin. I looked at Levi heichou. He was staring at the smoke. Suddenly he looked at me and said, "seems like plan A failed. We need to go somewhere safe until the fight is over. Go tell Erwin to make his conversation quick and get moving". " Yes heichou" I replied and went to Uncle Erwin. My mind was still stuck to the conversation we had this morning. Heichou was right. It was impossible. But... If I couldn't have the one I love, I couldn't reach my goal of happiness. In that case, what's the point of being alive?

To be continued...

Taglist: @kingtamakimurder @realityisoftendisapointing

#levi aot #levi heichou #levi ackerman #levi x fem!reader #levi×reader #aot x reader #aot anime #aot fanfiction #aot

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