#i'm struggling with Brain Stuff so i need to sit here and remind myself of all the people in my corner

[mister13eyond]

gay in the tags

#i'm struggling with Brain Stuff so i need to sit here and remind myself of all the people in my corner #but when i start getting sad i need to remember how despite living 2 hours apart my friends and i KEEP making excuses to go see each other #literally just because we want to be together and will invent a reason and find time #i need to remind myself of my friends who literally started an entire huge deep dive into a new series because we've been having fun- #sharing anime and watching anime together and i'm literally down to try anything because i just want a reason to spend time with them #i gotta remind myself of how my loves and i literally set up a minecraft server because it's an excuse to hang out and we're playing- #all the time because we just like having a Reason to vibe #i gotta remind myself that my friends KEEP coming to my streams over and over and making fun comments or joining me in them because they- #just like to be part of something i'm doing #i think i get fixated on the places where i've Asked for time and havent gotten it but when i look instead- #at all the places time has just been freely and lovingly given to me without me even having to ask #then i can remember i'm really NOT the sum of all the times i've been met with silence #ok you can go about your day now the tldr is #i love yall ;-;

[dearwriters]

Do you have any tips or advice for people with ADHD that struggle with writing?

ADHD writing advice?

I have been asked this before and the last time I said this:

I am NOT the person to ask about advice when it comes to ADHD management. That's something very individual and different things work for different people and I'm in no way qualified to speak on that.

Now, I am currently myself in talks with my therapist about me having some form of ADHD/ADD (which, you know... makes sense of a lot of things in retrospect). This being said: I am still no expert on the topic and especially not on your specific brain. We all work a bit different. I too struggle with writing a lot and I found that for me it's all about figuring out how my brain likes things. And isn't that the universal ADHD struggle?

I hyperfixate on stuff and then I burn out, so I need to account for that by

a) always having my phone with me so I can write down ideas, sentences, whole scenes whenever they hit me, because unless I am so obsessed with them that I can't stop thinking about them, I will simply not remember them and I will KNOW that I had something great I can't remember now and it will drive me bonkers.

b) figuring out how much planning I need to do. I personally need an outline (I call it "The Murder Board Method") to stay focused, but it can't be too detailed or I will loose interest. That's something very specific to the individual, I've seen people talk about instantly loosing interest the second they finished an outline, so lots of ADHD writers seem to be discovery writers.

c) allowing myself to write what I am excited about. Sometimes writing may seem like a bit of a chore when you are not motivated to write the scene you are currently working on. So I allow myself to jump around and write the scenes I am currently obsessed with. Sometimes that means only writing bits and pieces and later glueing them together. It can get disorganized but it's way more fun for me that way.

d) accepting that I will never have a routine, because my brain struggles with routines. So, while I often recommend people to build a writing routine, because it helps a lot of people, I myself just can't do it. Like, seriously, after 10 years of having to take medication every day, I still need a reminder on my phone! I actually also have reminders on my phone to remind me of going to the bathroom or drink water once in a while...

So yeah, bonus tip: set yourself reminders to take breaks while writing in case you are hyperfocusing and can't register that your bladder is actually in distress.

e) figuring out how to get in the zone. Something that helps me a lot with that is finding the right music. I spend a lot of time looking for songs with the right "vibe" I want to emulate, and sometimes I spend like... hours, listening to the same song on repeat. I also, when I struggle really bad, try to just sit down and write whatever comes to mind. Zero filter, zero censoring, stream of consciousness. Just write down your whole thought process. Even if you write ten times “I don’t know what to write”. Sometimes it feels like uncorking a bottle of champagne that build up a lot of pressure and suddenly it just all spills out. Furthermore I found that engaging with writing content (like here on tumblr for example) gets me back into my excitement about the writing itself!

f) making a game out of it. I like checking things off a to do list. So by making little goals for myself and being able to chek them off, it kinda gives me a feeling of accomplishment and I can get myself a treat :)

So yeah, this might be very unhelpful for you, but maybe it will help someone out there.

Have fun writing!

#dearwriters #writing advice #writing help #writblr #novel writing #adhd stuff

[monstersinthecosmos]

🔮

🔮 Any advice for writers working through burnout or writer’s block?

!!!! Yes, absolutely.

I have three main approaches to this for myself, and I know everyone's brains and writing habits are different so yknow like take it or leave it or modify it to your own needs but here's three things I always fall back on when I'm stuck.

Be kind to yourself.

Be honest with yourself. Is there a reason the writing needs to be done NOW? You are not a machine. If it's not there, it's not there. Obviously this doesn't apply if you have deadlines to meet but if you're writing for fun, don't get so twisted up about it that it's not fun anymore. WHAT ARE WE DOIN HERE FELLAS?! It's okay to take a break and recover until it feels right again, you don't have to fill a quota.

Set extremely small goals.

I try to write 100 words a day because I have ADHD and I get crazy burnout and/or I go into creative frenzies where I binge write for 3 days and don't do the dishes. There's a balance in here somewhere lol. An easy goal and a routine can help a lot. 100 words is a joke. But there are days where it's a HUGE struggle. But it's still doable, and I walk away feeling like I chiseled away at the idea a little bit.

I can't stress enough that you can't push yourself THROUGH burnout, and this can go to any type of burnout. (I feel this way about house keeping too LOL). You're drawing from an empty well. Be honest with yourself, be kind to yourself, set a realistic goal. If you're burnt out you're not gonna sit down and crank out 2k in an evening, you just aren't, and if you try to force it you're just gonna feel worse when you can't do it. Be gentle. Make easy goals. Ease yourself back into it.

And don't forget, sometimes chiseling away is just exactly what you need to do. I sometimes go weeks where I put in 100 words at a time on a fic and then finally I make it through the hard part and 6k floods out of me all at once. Chiseling away is good. You will find your way back when you get through the hard part.

(Also, even if you're chiseling away with garbgae & nonsense, that's okay! You can edit it later! A sloppy first draft is better than no draft!)

Refill the well.

Speaking of drawing from an empty well; creativity requires an input and an output, imo. That's my personal opinion!! Sometimes you need to take a break and work on the input stream, too. Take a week where you watch a movie every night instead of trying to write. Reread a book from an author you admire. Stare at some paintings. Listen to your headphones in the dark, whatever the fuck it is !

You're running on empty! And it's not just the basic human energy to function! It's the creativity! It's the inspiration! If you're writing a fic, revisit the source! Remind yourself why you like it! If a movie or song or picture gave you the idea for your fic, go back to that! Absorb it, replenish yourself!!!!!

I know sometimes when I talk writing stuff that I speak about it more like, idk philosophically? And I know others might have technical advice, like write scenes out of order, change the font, sit in a different area of the house, find a friend to cheerlead! All of those things can work, too, and I try them sometimes. ((I have more to say about this and about how outlines are my lord & savior when writing with ADHD and trying to chisel away a scene at a time)) But like, all of that I think is a bit secondary to just being kind to yourself and taking care of your mental health first and getting yourself back into a place where you CAN be creative and find that drive again.

My life would be a fucking shambles if I couldn't make lil routines for myself with the ADHD and Brain Problems and whatnot and I leave myself an hour every day to write, right before bedtime! 9-10pm every night I'm CLOCKIN IN! And for me it's like a lil reward at the end of the day, so that I can like unwind, end the day, stop worrying about whatever else I didn't get done, etc. Making space for it as a fun activity and a reward is essential for me, and I still get stuck sometimes, but going back to these ideas helps me a lot!!!!!!!!!!!

#writing advice #adhd writing advice

[insomniac-ships]

Hi there- I’m someone who wants to be pro-ship, but I’m kind of struggling about it. I SINCERELY believe that thought crimes are NOT a thing. But I also believe that a person interacting with certain ideas a lot, like very intense things so much it’s casual, can become numb and insensitive to it (as an example not related to pro-ship topics, I think it’s uncool when people joke about suicide a lot to the point where it feels like they don’t take it seriously despite it being a serious thing)

Can you offer any thoughts on the predicament? Were you ever kind of at war with yourself about it?

Like, as a broader picture, how can a person align themselves with any particular idea any more when so many people are chomping at the bit to misinterpret or pull out the worst possible thing attached to that idea?

I’m not necessarily asking you to answer all that, just the initial two if you have time and are willing. I wanted to get these thoughts out there to someone who wouldn’t harshly judge and your blog seems like a safe place to do do

Hey Anon! I'm honestly really glad that you felt safe enough here to ask questions like this.

(This got awfully long, so the rest will be under the cut!)

I totally understand where you're coming from, and to a point, I agree. Thought crimes are absolutely not a thing, and no one should be punished for thoughts that they don't act on. The idea that thinking something is the same as doing that thing can be very, very dangerous. I also completely understand your concerns about desensitization to some absolutely horrific stuff. I think it's important to be able to take a few steps back and really get a good look at the bigger picture every now and again. That might mean having to stop and sit with yourself in order to kinda... recalibrate. That's probably not the right word, but oh well. Sometimes it's necessary to give your head a good etch-a-sketch shake and remind yourself that fiction is fiction and reality is reality. I hope I didn't get too far off track, there.

[I, personally, sometimes get so involved in a hyperfixation that it tends to bleed into other aspects of my life. That's usually when I know I need to give the gerbils on hamster wheels my brain a bit of a shake and step back for a minute. Does that make sense?]

I can't say I've ever necessarily been at war with myself over this stuff, to be honest. When I was a preteen/teenager and first really started using sites like deviantArt, Quizilla, FF.net, and roleplay forums, it was never a question in my mind whether or not the (admittedly problematic) stuff I wrote or liked reading about would have been bad in real life. I knew it was. But I was also very aware that what I was reading and writing was fiction. It was pretend. No real people were being hurt. Even when I was all of 11 years old, I knew that the art I was seeing of fictional characters was, well, fictional. Running into KakaSaku art at 12 never made me think it was totally a-okay to date a 26 year old at that age.

I grew up in the era of "ship and let ship", "don't like, don't read", and having full conversations with fictional characters in the author's notes of fanfics. I've always been proship, even long before it ever had a name. That was just... normal back then.

That's kinda why I'm not against using the proship label, even with its awful reputation. I know myself, I know my values and beliefs better than anyone else does (despite what some antiship folks like to think), and at the end of the day, I know I'm a good person. I don't send hate, I don't start petty arguments or drama, I do my best to respect boundaries, and I try to mind my business. If people want to spread misinformation and make up lies about what being proship is about, fine. I know my truth, and the truths of many others. If people have questions, I'm happy to answer. ♡

I, uh... didn't mean to get so ramble-y there. QuQ I really hope I answered everything in a satisfactory manner. Like I said above, if you have any other questions, I'll do my best to answer! ♡

#ask t.k. #proship #anti-harassment #dead dove #pro ship safe #whoops this got longer than intended #sorry about that!

[beels-burger-babe]

B's Tips - "Do the Thing" Edition

So! If you've been on my blog today, you know I've been struggling with an essay. Most of this is due to my adhd riddled brain just not being able to process sitting down and writing roughly 2500 words upon demand (even though I do it creatively all the time). So instead, I've been in a state of doing nothing while internally hyperfixating on the thing I need to do and beating myself up for not actually doing it. Not healthy.

Here is a few things I just did to combat this state paralysis and how I force myself to get shit done. (Please note, while this works for me, it may not work for you. I just thought I'd share cause discussing stuff like this is important.)

1: Pre-Writing Ritual I have this little ritual that I do every time I sit down to write something academic. I light some aromatherapeutic candles, make some tea, and put on some lofi. The routine kind of signals to my brain that "Hey. This is serious. It's time to concentrate and focus," while simultaneously giving me time to hype myself up and switch my brain over to my work brain. (That probably doesn't make sense, but whatevs)

2: Break it down. Like I said earlier, the main reason I was struggling with this essay all day was because of its size. So while I was making my tea, I decided to focus not on the essay as a whole, but on the first 100o words. I told myself that after the first 1000, I could take a short break if I needed to and then write the second 1000. I repeated to myself "I can write a 1000 words. I've easily written 1000 words before. I can do this. It's just a 1000 words," to really set it in my head that this was a manageable task that I was more than capable of. I do this on a more regular basis with studying or chores, by giving them a set time period that I will work on them for that I know I'm easily capable of doing.

3: Affirmation This was mentioned in both of the others, but I say little positive affirmations to remind myself that this task isn't impossible. That I can do it. I usually mix that in with a little deep breathing, just for extra measure.

Then I'm good to go. It doesn't always work, but it definitely helps me get where I need to be 😊 I'm working on my first 1000 words now, but I realized that this is a healthy little routine that I have to gently push myself to study and be productive and I thought that I'd share.

#the hive #b talks #🐝 talks #mental health #adhd #studying #procrastination

[universi-tea]

Hi! I love your blog.

I have ADHD and have been struggling to get any work done and I can't seem to focus or be productive. All I seem to do is procrastinate and then panic when deadlines approach and I don't have things done because my brain just says no.

Do you have any tips for what to do? How can I help myself stay focused and on task and not feel like I can't do anything? I'm at my wits end trying to find new ways to help, but I just can't.

Thanks in advance for any advice you may have.

I have ADHD too so I know how hard it can be to get your brain to coorporate! Here are a few things that work for me, but as I'm sure you know they'll sometimes work great and other times I still end up staring at a wall for an hour. Oh well.

1. Set timers My phone is usually my biggest distraction, so having a timer pop up when I unlock it serves as a physical reminder that I have to work for 20 more minutes before I can check Instagram. It also helps because it gives me a mini deadline, which my brain likes. I'll say that I want to finish writing a page, or making 15 flash cards, etc before the timer goes off.

2. Make the most of flow Sometimes I'll be getting a lot done and really be in a groove and think "wow, I deserve a break right now". It's a trap!! You'll never get that focus back. If you're in a groove and getting a lot done, take advantage and keep going until you hit a wall.

3. Treat yourself like a grumpy toddler in a grocery store I shamelessly bribe myself to get things done. Have something fun in mind (when I was in school it was usually a party or basketball game) to motivate you to get projects done before the deadline. I'd force myself to work a little extra each day so that I'd have the time to have fun on weekends. Or, promise yourself ice cream if you can finish your work on time. Whatever works.

4. Done is better than perfect A lot of times I'll put off work because I think I need to do more research, come up with more ideas, etc. Just get started! Learn to be okay with turning in work that's not perfect, because perfect work doesn't exist anyway.

5. Keep your brain happy Sometimes something as simple as sitting on a comfy chair makes work easier. Or eating a fun snack, or watching tv if it's mindless work. Do those things!!

6. Work in public When I work near people, I'm guilted into actually getting work done. I don't want strangers to see me sitting on my phone instead of reading my textbook, so I'm more likely to actually get stuff done.

Hopefully some of those help!! Good luck :)

#adhd

[nakachuchu]

Bunny | Armin Arlert

SYNOPSIS: Modern AU - He has a crush on his friend's crush.

READER: female

WORDS: 1556

WRITTEN: 03/08/2021

"Hey, Armin," you greeted as you leaned down, tucking your hair behind your ear.

"H-Hi, Y/N," he replied, eyes glancing to the textbook pressed against your chest and your pretty smile.

"Can I sit next to you again? You're a lifesaver when it comes to taking notes."

"Oh, yeah, definitely," he said as he scooted to the side, allowing you to sit next to him in the lecture hall.

You often sat next to Armin because he had good handwriting and his notes were easy to understand.

You often blanked out, thus missing part of what the professor said. He once asked what you were thinking about, and you winked at him before making a zipper gesture on your mouth.

It was always a struggle when you asked to sit next to him. He had to fight himself to pay attention to the professor and ignore the little devil on his shoulder who kept telling him dirty thoughts about you.

If you didn't sit next to him, he wouldn't have to worry about how good his notes were because you wouldn't need them.

It wasn't like you didn't take notes. You simply got distracted sometimes. You would be taking notes, and the next time Armin decided to glance at you, the end of your pen would be in your mouth, tongue swiping at it mindlessly.

Armin was in constant trouble whenever you were around. You were pretty on your own, but the way your teeth nibbled on the cap and how soft your tongue looked made his brain short circuit.

It was the second year you had the same class with Armin, and he didn't know if he wanted to be thankful or not.

The first encounter he had with you was on moving day. He dropped his pink pen that had a bunny as the clicker. It was given to him by his mother who had been sobbing when he left for college.

You picked up the pen and called out to him. He was absolutely embarrassed and dizzy that someone saw the pen, let alone a pretty girl picking it up for him.

You laughed at how red he was and stepped forward to put the pen back into his front pocket, patting his chest before waving goodbye and walking away.

"Armin," you called out, "class is over, bunny."

God, the nickname you gave him always made his body hot. It was a simple, shameless nickname. It was obviously from the pen he dropped, but he couldn't help but fantasize that something deeper was in the works.

"R-Right. Thanks, Y/N."

You smiled. "Of course. Text me your notes later?"

He nodded.

"Great. I'll see you around. Make sure to eat lunch."

He nodded. "You too."

Once you left the room, he sighed and banged his head onto the desk. Even your kindness in reminding him to eat made him like you even more.

He eventually packed up his stuff, walking to the same table outside the lecture hall that his friends claimed since the first day of school.

"How'd it go?" Eren asked.

He knew about Armin's crush on you, but the question was easily hid as "How was the lecture?"

"It was good," Armin replied, which translated to "I made a fool out of myself again."

"Did you see Y/N? What was she wearing today?" Jean asked.

"Uh—You know, the same," Armin said with a wince.

Jean sighed wistfully. "She's so damn beautiful."

"She'd never go for you," said Eren with a glance at Armin.

"Huh? You wanna fucking fight? We'll go at it right now!"

"HUH? Did you say something, twerp?" Eren retorted, standing up from the table to slam his foot onto the bench.

"HUH? You're shorter than me, you fucking midget," retorted Jean as he got into the same position as Eren.

The two boys began to fight as Armin awkwardly laughed and sat down. He was royally fucked. What was he supposed to do when Jean seemed so smitten with you?

"I'm gonna do it," said Jean as he let Eren out of the chokehold.

Eren gasped for air, then punched Jean on the shoulder. "Do...what?"

"Ask Y/N out," he said as he walked off.

Armin followed the direction he was walking in, then saw you crossing the lawn with one of your friends. His shoulders slumped as he realized he wouldn't ever be able to date you.

Eren and Mikasa glanced at each other before glancing at Armin who was watching the exchange between you and Jean.

You whispered something to your friend as Jean began to talk. You stood there with a smile on your face and occasionally nodded at whatever he was saying.

"I—Um—I'm gonna go back to my dorm. I have studying to do," murmured Armin as he grabbed his bag and walked away.

You laughed at something Jean said before nodding and waving goodbye to him. He walked back and sighed heavily as he sat on the bench.

"What happened?" Connie asked.

"She likes someone else, but hey, she called me cute. That accounts for something, right?"

"Do you think—"

Mikasa nodded at what Eren was implying.

Jean looked between them. "What?"

"You see—"

"Hey, if that dumb ass can ask you out, you can ask Armin out," your friend encouraged.

"Me? I don't have the guts for that," you said.

"No, but you got the tits and that disgusting kindness going for you."

You rolled your eyes. "None of that is true. Besides, I don't know where he is."

"Call him."

"I'm not going to ask him out through tech. It's not sincere," you muttered.

"So you need to do it in person? I got you."

"W-Wait, where are you going? Come back!" you shouted as your friend ran out of your room.

You sighed, a dreadful feeling settling in your stomach. You chewed your lip nervously as you turned to your notes to study, trying to ignore your fantasies of dating Armin.

You put your earbuds in, turning up the volume so that you wouldn't have to think. You drummed your pencil on your desk while reading the notes you took, even though you knew the information wasn't staying in your brain.

You let out a shriek when someone yanked your earbuds out. You spun around in your chair, ready to smack someone until you noticed Armin standing by your door nervously.

Your friend stood in front of you and smiled. "Good luck," they whispered before walking out and closing the door.

"Armin," you breathed out.

He raised his hand slightly before folding them together in front of him again. "Hi. Um—Your friend said you needed to talk to me?"

You nodded, tucking your hair behind your ear. "Sorry. I didn't mean to make you come out here. My friend is impulsive."

"It's okay," he reassured. "But isn't it bad if someone notices us alone in your room? What if Jean hears?"

You tilted your head to the side. "What about him?"

"Well, aren't you—aren't you two dating?"

You blinked before laughing. "We're not dating. I don't like him. I like you."

"Oh, I see. You don't like—You like me?" he repeated.

You smiled. "Yeah, I do. I really, really like you."

"Oh. Oh, this is—Oh, I never thought—" His face went red and his mind was playing fantasies of you again. "I—Uh—I didn't think you'd ever like me. I've liked you for a while now and I mean, you're so pretty, and I'm me."

"I like you, bunny," you reassured. "I like that you're you."

"I've never—I've never had a girlfriend."

"That's okay. It doesn't matter. Do you want to be my boyfriend?" you asked.

"Yes!" he exclaimed. His shoulders slumped after a moment. "But I would be a bad friend if I did that. Jean's liked you for a while and I can't betray him like that."

You smiled softly. "I understand. That's—"

The door burst open, hitting Armin in the back and sending him flying forward. You got up from your chair and wrapped your arms around him so that he wouldn't fall.

Armin was dizzy. His face was shoved into your breasts and all he could smell was you. Your arms were wrapped around him for safety and his hands were dangerously close to your ass.

You looked up to see Armin's friends crowding your door. They were all breathing heavily.

"Say yes!" exclaimed Jean. "Why didn't you tell me you liked her? I just thought she was hot!"

Armin said something, but it was muffled by your breasts. You wiggled around at how ticklish it felt, before helping him move away.

He blinked at you before slowly looking up at you. His face was incredibly hot and he couldn't think straight.

"Armin?" you called out.

Oh, your voice was so pretty.

"Armin, are you okay?" you asked.

"Huh? Y-Yeah, I'm fine. Um—I—Yes?"

"Yes?" you repeated.

"I want to be your boyfriend," he said. "Is that okay?"

You smiled. "It's more than okay," you said.

"Thank God," muttered Eren as he turned around with a hand latched onto Jean's collar. "Team, roll out!"

Mikasa followed him silently, dragging Sasha and Connie with her.

"What should the first thing we do as a couple be, bunny?" you asked.

"Um... Food?"

You smiled. "Sounds good."

#attack on Titan #aot #aot x reader #headcanon #imagine #sfw #fluff #armin aot #Armin arlert x reader #armin Arlert #Armin arlet x reader #attack on Titan x reader

[shywhitemoose]

Hi! I really like following you—your posts always make me smile! I saw that you like getting asks but don’t like to do ask games, so can I ask you some questions from a recent fanfic writer ask game??

What do you like most about your own writing?

What’s something you’ve recently felt proud of related to your writing?

And can you name one or more of your fave comfort fics??

No pressure to answer, I was just curious! Have a good night! 💜

Hello! This is really sweet, thank you. I suppose it's not so much that I don't like to do ask games, it's just that it's unfamiliar to me and I'm... not one of the cool kids, you know? Like I wonder, I've only written one fic so far (and even that’s not complete yet) - am I even qualified to call myself a writer yet? And my art is all over the place (not literally, but aesthetically speaking) because I haven't been doing digital long enough to have developed a consistent style - am I really allowed to call myself an artist? Am I allowed to think anyone will want to know things about me or the stuff I create? These are silly questions, I know, but my brain just.. 🤷‍♀️

Anyway, to your questions 😊

What do you like most about your own writing?

Hmm, well my own writing is limited, but I guess within the chapters I've written, I think I like my dialogues the most. I try to find a good balance of humor and emotion and I *think* I’m usually successful? Of course I really just have my characters to thank for that- it helps that they already have such entertaining chemistry to start with :)

What’s something you’ve recently felt proud of related to your writing?

Oh dear. I think maybe I'm just proud that I'm still doing it, ha. It doesn't come naturally to me at all. I mean I've never been able to just sit down and write a page. I swear, every paragraph - at least when there’s no dialogue, but even sometimes when there is - is a Process. I will be particularly proud when I finish the next chapter because it's given me more trouble than any others (how do all you authors churn out such lovely smut on the regular? I'm over here struggling for days about how to get a hand where it needs to be, lol. And don't get me started on how the Force is supposed to play into all this.)

Can you name one or more of your fave comfort fics??

Is it weird to include my own? It’s just that I started writing Adrift and Entangled *specifically* as something I could come back to and read for comfort. Chapters 12-14 put my heart in a particularly warm, cozy place.

For other works, I’m VERY out of touch with what is currently out there because I don’t have a ton of time to read these days. But:

With a Warm and Tender Hand by temple_mistress (I don’t know if this person has a tumblr) is one of the first Obikin fics I ever read and it just really stuck with me. It’s very, well, warm and tender :) It’s been a while, but I’ve probably re-read this more than any other fic I’ve come across.

Another piece that has stayed with me is this short, spicy, but heart-melting prompt fill by @glimmerglanger from many many months ago. Poor Obi-Wan is impotent here, and the way they write what Anakin does for him just turns me into a pile of mush. I still think about it.

The Snowball Effect by @twilightofthe has brought me comfort through laughter on more than one occasion. It’s a two-chapter modern AU and the author is hysterical.

What I’ve seen on tumblr of @tennessoui‘s Keeping up with the Skywalker Kenobis AU has also brought me great joy, and her AO3 version is high priority on my to-read list. Super sweet, and it also involves the kids, which gives me extra feels.

Speaking of kids, I’m reminded of Homestead, by @jswander and @whohatessand. It’s part of a longer series that I haven’t gotten to yet, but this first work was just lovely. A good snuggle up with a warm beverage and let your heart feel all the feels sort of fic.

It’s not in traditional fic format, but I also find great comfort in @shatouto‘s Redeeming Vader AU comic installments. It’s a WIP, but the story is beautiful, and the art is exquisite.

Whew... I guess that was more than one, lol. Suggestions for other good comfort fics welcome - I know they’re out there I probably just haven’t gotten to them yet!

#asks #my fic #obikin #sorry this was super longwinded 😳 #thank you for the ask #and for always being so supportive 💙

[rivetgoth]

do you think chris corner is mentally fucked up (not trying to be ableist here lol i'm disabled lmao) like the rest of the bandom does?? i've seen so much shit about kelli ali and debating who was right that someone needs to make a deep-fried meme with a person holding their head overwhelmed. i'd like to pick your brain about this even though i don't know much about her solo project

Uhh I don’t know what “mentally fucked up” means and your being anon-disabled doesn’t really give me any better indication here lol😭 I mean I think he very obviously struggles or has in the past struggled with mental health and in both his lyrics & interviews he’s been super candid about that so? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ [EDIT A friend told me he’s mentioned on Patreon being autistic as well which is cool, I had sorta assumed given the title of one of his recent tracks but there is also that and good for him 🖤]

But idk man as much as I love both Sneaker Pimps and IAMX I don’t consider myself apart of any “bandoms” (hate that word) and I’ve never seen some vast majority of people who consider Chris fucked up, I follow goths and rivetheads idk, like I’ve seen the discussions on the SP band drama here and there but enough to say the whole rest of “the bandom” finds him fucked up? And as far as any drama or discourse goes I guess I just don’t care all that much about trying to pick sides or make perfect moral sense of a situation that happened between bandmates before I was even born lol. Especially when it seems like it amounted to poor handling of a situation rather than like, someone being traumatized and abused or w/e. Everyone involved was young (if my math’s correct Chris would have been like, my age, and he’s in his late 40s now…) and trying to make art and human to human the situation just seems like messy interpersonal stuff and I genuinely cannot express enough how much I don’t really care if Chris Corner was somehow “in the wrong” or “didn’t handle it super well” etc. Like I could sit here and list all of the not-very-tactful things every one of my favorite artists may or may not have done, the majority of which happened before I was in the womb, but unless it’s actually something that I feel warrants discussion due to the extremity or persistence of the shitty behavior (and there ARE artists I listen to that I would say like, do deserve frequent reminders of their behavior so people don’t start getting too cocky talking about how great they are LOL) I couldn’t possibly begin to really care all that much.

I think it’s like. Very annoying how “bandoms” or whatever try to treat musicians like fictional characters and “figure out” if they’re problematic or not, if they have mental illnesses or not or what labels they use or what’s going on in their heads exactly and the reasoning for doing what they do, like if an artist actually objectively does something that harms another person or is incredibly bigoted and expresses no remorse or anything then yeah of course that warrants discussion but I feel like that’s a far cry from trying to give in-depth diagnoses on the workings of interpersonal band drama from the 90s and decide from there if the people involved are forever fucked up people from then on. They’re all just some guys idk. I also simply do not know Chris Corner as a human interpersonally & the read I get from him in interviews and stuff is that he’s a pretty private person who’s not about to share his deepest darkest feelings and secrets for an interviewer or to the public in general. Ultimately from what I’ve read I find him kinda funny sometimes & there is stuff I tease about but ultimately I respect his overall beliefs and opinions when he expresses them and he is responsible for some of my absolute favorite art ever produced and I very strongly relate to a lot of it, I don’t think he comes across as a fucked up person though he certainly comes across as someone who has been very very fucked up before and is processing that through his art, aren’t we all? I would be genuinely disappointed if news were to come out that indicated he had genuine ill intent towards others. Also I trust cEvin Key’s taste in people overall and they are good friends and have been for years.

[volturicangetit]

D.V- Sassy

Summary: You go to Volterra with your sister Bella to save Edward but a handsome vampire takes an intrest in you while you’re there

Request: YES/no @kpopgirlbtssvt​ :Hi!! Can I please request a Demetri x human! fem! reader where she’s Bella’s fraternal twin sister and she goes with Bella and Alice to save Edward, and when Demetri comes and gets them and Y/N and Demetri feel drawn to each other (flirting with each other much to Bella and the Cullen’s dismay), and she’s sassy (amusing Aro, Demetri, and Felix) when Aro starts to let them go Y/n and Demetri don’t want to be apart because she’s his mate. (Or this could happen when the Volturi meet Renesme!)

Warnings: swearing

Wordcount: 1517

You would go to the end of the moon for your sisters. If you murdered someone, you would help her hide the body. But now you're really doubting if you should be killing her instead. Her depressed vampire boyfriend was going to out himself to the world so that the Volturi would kill him which you thought was first of all, super selfish and second of all very, very dumb. But you thought that the vampire venom might have done something to his brain, causing him to lose a couple of brain cells. You run after your sister through the people-filled streets of Volterra. You watch her stop in her stops as she watches Edward stand in the door opening of the castle. he takes small steps, getting more and more out of the shadows with each. Bella yells out his name before she starts to run towards him straight through the fountain. You shake your head as you run after her. "You're paying for new shoes, Bella," you mutter as you run thought the fountain. You cringe internally as you feel the cold water soaking through your shoes and socks. Bella jumps on Edward to push him back into the shadows.

You follow behind her and push both of them further into the castle. Once they are fully inside, you close the door so that all sunlight is blocked out. You look over to your sister to see her hugging Edward and sharing some loving words with him. "Why don't you come by to check if she's actually dead next time, Dracula?" you say. Edward doesn't even look up at you, though. He's too busy with processing that Bella is alive. He was never the brightest of the Cullens, in your opinion. From behind Bella and Edward, you can see two people walking towards you, one being significantly taller and broader than the other. As the people come closer you can see that they are two men with red eyes. "Great, more bloodsuckers," you say with a sigh.

The smaller of the two stares at you with big eyes. You can feel something in you wants to talk to him but the rational human in you reminds you that he is a vampire and that he probably only sees you as a good snack. "Your services won't be needed, after all, gentleman," Edward says. His voice is laced with anger. The tall man shakes his head.

"Aro wants to see you," he says. His voices send shivers down your spine and not the good kind. The smaller man nods. His hair bounces along with his movement. The smile that sits on his lips sends waves of warmth through your stomach. Something about vampires always made them look impossibly beautiful.

"And I think he would like to see the Swan's as well," he adds. You look over to Bella to see that she has the same panic in her eyes as you do. You take a deep breath to calm yourself down a bit.

You place your hands on your hips and cock your head to the side as you look back at the smaller vampire. "Who says I want to see him?" you ask. "Because would rather not be in a castle full of leeches, thank you very much.". The man lets out a chuckle as he shakes his head. He looks at the tall man next to him and they nod at each other. The tall man starts walking as he waves for you all to follow him. Edward drags Bella along with him but you stay planted on the floor. You're not going to follow these vampires. The smaller man runs over to you and grabs a hold of your arm as he drags you along with him.

His grip on you is surprisingly soft. You still struggle against him and try to pull out of his grasp but it's to no avail. "Let me go, your oversized mosquito!" you yell. The man chuckles as he shakes his head again. "I have a name, you know," he says. He keeps his free hand behind his back. "Do I look like I care, fang-boy?" you spit back. "It's Demitri, mi amore," he says. The nickname causes butterflies to swarm through your stomach but you mask them by throwing more insults his way. "Oh, go choke on some garlic". You remain silent after that. The walk to the kings only takes you all five minutes but they are the longest five minutes of your life. Once you enter the throne room, a weird feeling sits on the air. You and Bella stand close to each other while Edward tries to negotiate with Aro. You are both a bit too aware of the fact that you're the only humans in a room full of vampires.

"But Bella and the other human know of your existence, we can't have that,' Aro says. Edwards opens his mouth to speak but you beat him to it. You hold your finger up at Aro to silence him. "Hold up," you say. Everyone's eyes turn towards you as Bella tugs on your arm to desperately try to get you to shut the fuck up. "The other human? I have a name, you undead little fucker. Second of all, I don't know shit except that you're all dead.". You point at the kings, twins and the two men from the hallway. Finally, you point at Edward.

"And that, that man has the emotional stability of a toddler and you all have some weird blood kink so you better keep me out of this.". Aro cocks his head to the as he takes a couple of steps towards you. He is insulted by your lack of respect but intrigued at the same time.

"Who is this?" he asks while looking at Edward. You roll your eyes, "I'm right here, you can just ask me yourself," you say. "I'm Y/n Swan. Human and wondering if I should put some garlic in your blood or put a stake through your heart. Maybe both.".

Caius stands up from his throne as he stomps his foot on the ground. "How dare this human talk to us like this, brother? This is disrespectful!" he yells. Aro holds his hand up and turns towards him. He shushes him before turning back towards you. He follows your eyes to Demetri. You have been stealing glances from him ever since you laid your eyes on him.  Aro looks at Marcus who nods at him. He lets out a gleeful laugh before walking back to his throne and sitting down in it.

"They are free to go, for now," Aro says. Edward's eyes grow big in surprise but he knows how quickly the Volturi can change their mind so he grabs ahold of Bella's hand and tells her that they're leaving. "Come on, Y/n," Bella says. You shake your head. Your eyes are still locked with Demitri's. Something in you doesn't want to leave him. Something in you wants to stay with him forever. "Let's go," Bella tries again.

"No," you say softly. A smile grows in Demitri's face. Edward looks between you two and Marcus and quickly realizes what's going on. He drops Bella's hand. "Y/n, we got to go.". You shake your head at your sister. You take a couple of small steps over to Demitri. "No, I think I'm going to stay here with this ugly bloodsucker who clearly hasn't been able to look in a mirror since the birth of Christ," you say as you point to Demitri. Aro lets out a chilling giggle as he clasps his hands together.

Bella shakes her head. Edward lays a hand on her shoulder to hold her back. "You can't stay with him! He's a monster," she says. You turn towards her with your brows furrowed. "Umh, I don't think you can see a single fuck about my choice in man since you got together with mister 'I-cry-myself-to-sleep' over here who we just saved from suicide because he couldn’t just call you or come by to check if you were actually dead. I really think that you guys need some couples therapy by the way," you say. You take a couple more steps towards Demitri until you're close enough to shake his hand.

"Hi, I'm Y/n," you say. He nods with a smirk makes your stomach do cartwheels. "Nice to meet you, mi amore," he says. You smile at him. The coldness of his skin against yours calms you down somehow. It actually feels nice. You can hear Edward dragging Bella along with him and out of the throne room. He doesn't want to test the Volturi patience today. "So like, do all vampire have like some weird attraction thing with humans? Are you guys like ugly, blood kink having sirens now?" you ask. Demitri shakes his head. He turns you around and lays a hand on the small of your back as she starts to lead you towards the exit of the throne room. "Have you ever heard of mates?".

TWILIGHT TAGLIST (OPEN): @scuzmunkie e @thanossexual @prettyinblack231 @kpopgirlbtssvt​ @cullens-stuff​ @rexburn12​ @jelly-fishy-babie​ @puer-de-infinitate​

#demitri volturi imagine #demitri #demitri x reader #demetri volturi imagines #demitri volturi x reader #demetri volturi #twilight #twilight imagine #twilight x reader #twilight fanfic #volturi #volturi imagine #volturi fanfic #volturi x reader #Charlie bewley #Charlie bewley x reader #Charlie bewley imagine #fanfic #x reader #fanfiction #vampire #human!reader #Demitri x human!reader #volturi x human!reader #soulmates

[yikesharringrove]

Steve waits a good week before telling billy he got diagnosed with depression. of course billy was the one who suggested therapy but it's still odd, saying it outloud. I'm TOTALLY not projecting when I say that obviously he grew up denying it, on bad days he couldnt tell himself 'oh I'm struggling cause I have depression' instead it was 'I'm struggling cause I'm stupid and no one loves me' so it's weird.. but good.. being able to confirm that maybe he isnt stupid and unlovable and maybe that's just what the now very real issue in his head was telling him. he has a very complicated relationship with his own mind.

“We need to have a talk.” Billy tried to keep his voice as light as possible.

It didn’t work though, based on the way Steve’s eyes went huge.

“Just about, I feel like something’s up. You’ve been weird for like, a few days, and I want to make sure you’re okay. That I, that I didn’t do anything.” Steve was chewing on his bottom lip. Billy reached out to softly pull it out from between his teeth with his thumb.

“I, uh, I went to the doctor on Monday.” Billy furrowed his brows.

Usually Steve was pretty up front with these things. Plus, when he was sick, he was all whiny and needy, making Billy take care of him.

Not that Billy didn’t love to o it but-

That’s not the point.

“Is there something wrong?”

“Well, I went because, because remember when I got that physical like, a month ago? Well my doctor recommended me to a, to another doctor. A specialist.” Billy’s heart was pounding against his ribs.

“Are you, is there something wrong?” Steve wasn’t looking him in the eye.

“It was a psychiatrist. He recommended me to a psychiatrist. Who has, uh, diagnosed me, with uh, with depression. With chronic depression.”

Billy had to sit down. He flopped in one of the mismatched chairs at their kitchen table.

He was expecting cancer, or something like that. Something tangible.

And this isn’t really news. Steve has had a certain, sadness to him as long as Billy’s known him.

But this is something that’s affecting Steve. In a big way, if he didn’t tell Billy about it.

“Okay.” Steve was staring at Billy’s right knee.

“Okay?”

“Well, I guess it makes sense.” Billy shrugged. “I’ve always kinda known, I think.”

“It’s weird I just, there’s this word, you know? Like there’s something. When I went in for my physical, I had that chart, with all the symptom stuff, and I just marked down everything, like, like weight and appetite changes, and, and fatigue, just like, stuff I thought was normal, and he was like how long have you felt these things? and I was all on and off since high school and he was like I think you have depression, and it just, I don’t even know how to feel about it.”

Billy didn’t either.

“Well, its a good thing? Like you said, there’s a word. And with a word comes help, and treatment.”

“It’s just fucking wild. Looking back on like, those days in high school when I just, couldn’t get out of bed, or the thought of having to talk to someone and fake being fine was just too much. It’s like, why didn’t I do my homework even though I knew failing an assignment was gonna make me freak out? It’s because I was depressed-or am depressed, I guess.”

“It explains your feelings for you.” Billy gets depression. He figures he’s dealt with it. Maybe not like Steve, with the same symptoms, but looking back on life in his father’s house, and the sheer hopelessness he felt most of the time, he figures that’s it.

“The doctor said it’s a medical condition. The chemicals in my brain are, are off. Which is why I can be happy in my life with you, but still be depressed, or-or, have happy moments, but not be fixed, you know?” Billy can picture Steve asking that.

“Yeah, that makes sense. And don’t worry, Baby. I’m not taking it personal.” Steve looked up at him, giving him a weak smile. “But, I mean, you know that I love you a lot, right? That I care about you?” Steve nodded vigorously. “Then, uh, why didn’t you tell me?” Steve shrugged.

“I was trying to process, I guess. I’ve always just kinda ragged on myself. Like I’d think that I’m having a hard time because I’m stupid, or I feel bad because I’m worthless. Stuff like that. That I’m unlovable.” Steve was back to staring at the floor. “And now, all those feelings, all the times I felt bad, or was struggling all of it, it was because of this. And even, even the ragging, like that was just my mis-chemicalled brain being, being fucking rude, if you ask me.”

Billy barked a laugh. It made Steve look up, made him smile.

“I’m not mad, just so you know. I can see how this would be a lot. I just love you. A whole lot.”

“I know.”

“And anytime your mis-chemicalled brain tries to tell you otherwise, I’m here to remind you.”

“I know that too.” Billy opened his arms.

Steve crossed the small kitchen to perch himself on Billy’s lap, sitting sideways with his head on his shoulder, Billy’s arms around him.

“So, what’s next?”

“Like you said, treatment. Therapy, I guess. They said maybe medication but I don’t really wanna be drugged out everyday.”

“I don’t know. It’s worth a try. And you won’t be drugged out. They’re jsut gonna help your brain be less mis-chemicalled.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“I’m always right.” Steve just hummed.

“I love you too.”

“Yeah, I know.”

#yikes writes #TW depression #steve harrington #billy hargrove #harringrove

[anxiety-banana]

hey

i wanted to remind everyone of something.

things get better.

i'm currently struggling with a lot of stuff. but as of today (november 16, 2021), i'm a year into eating disorder (ed) recovery.

i struggled pretty badly from around july through november. i was constantly hating myself and all i was seeing was failure. but then a friend reminded me of things that i couldn't remind myself, and i started getting better.

this is about to get really deep and emotional and in depth, so i'm warning you now

(longer version below the cut)

i have two specific memories i'd like to share. first of all, tw for ed's and purging, and overall crappy mental health. i'll put ======== at the beginning and end of the nitty gritty details if you'd like to skip them <3

========

the first memory is about me when i was out with my family. it was after church, and everyone was going out to eat chinese. this was at a point where i was trying to go as long as possible without eating anything, and when i did eat it was as close to nothing for lunch, and a little bit of whatever dinner my mom made.

i was just told i was going out to eat greasy, fatty food, surrounded by people. and for those who don't know- that was probably my worst nightmare.

i sit down, eat as little as possible (two forkfuls of rice and a chicken finger, to be exact), and excuse myself to use the bathroom. i'd tried purging before, but i could never make myself actually do it. i still didn't, but i tried so hard, and i was in tears a couple minutes later, still not having actually purged.

i wiped my eyes, fixed my makeup, and walked back out feeling like a failure. it's one of my worst memories regarding this time.

my second memory is a slightly better one. i don't remember specifically when this was, but it was after the previous incident. i hadn't eaten anything since six p.m the day before, and it was one p.m. then. i was starving, and drinking water to try and stop it. the only thing that did me was giving me cramps because my stomach was begging for real food.

this is when my sister in law stepped in. i was shaking, something i hadn't really experienced to this magnitude before. my hands were shaky and i was cold. she looked at me, and having been in an unhealthy situation similar to mine, she told me to go eat something with that look that said "i don't know what's happening but i care about you."

i went and made myself a sandwich, screaming at myself the entire time.

i ate it, then went and ate a bowl of cereal after that because i was still so hungry.

i think that was the first time i remember ignoring my messed up brain in that way. i often think about the first incident where i felt like nothing but a failure, but i like to think about the time that i fought back, even if i didn't feel it then.

========

lastly on this little (big) explanation as to why i felt like i needed to make this post, i want to tell you why i know the exact date i started healing. november 16, 2021 was the day i was texting my friend, who had started catching on to what was happening.

he basically just told me "i'm scared for you, and i don't know what's happening, but i need you to know that this isn't healthy and i need you here with me."

no one had ever told me that.

people told me they loved me, sure, and they cared about me, but not with such raw fear i felt in what he had said.

i don't know if i still have the conversation, but i went and wrote a song about what i was feeling (i've been writing songs for five years or so), and instantly something clicked. i looked at everything i had written and cried because i suddenly saw how sick i was.

there's even more of an explanation here but i thought i should tell my full story, in case someone needed to hear it.

one year later, and i'm still struggling with other mental health things, but i can say that i just ate caramel apples without a second thought. it is such a good feeling, and i promise that if you're struggling with something similar, you can experience that.

it feels so hard in the moment. because you keep trying to convince yourself that what you're doing is somehow right, and that you'll be better. that you'll be in control of something, finally, that in some convoluted way, how you look and how small the numbers are will define who you are.

nothing physical can define you. if someone tries to make it so, they aren't worth your anxiety. they aren't worth you losing your sanity.

and if you haven't heard it recently, i hope you know how much i care about everyone struggling with anything similar, and i want you to know that there are more people than you realize who will help you. and if you don't think there are, find them. because you don't deserve to fight alone. my biggest regret was not going to anyone until after the fact.

i promise it'll get better, if you only let it. your thoughts can't control you. you can fix things, and not by starving yourself or erasing the food. you can fix things by trying to understand that your body knows exactly what it's doing.

i love you. and so many people do too.

i hope you can see what others see in you: worth, outside of your body.

#eating disorders #eating disorder recovery #anorexia recovery #anorexia #bullima #mental illness #anxiety #ed

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

(1/2) hi there! so, i don't really consider myself a "new" christian- i've felt drawn to god since i was young- but i only started reading the bible about a week ago. i set a goal for myself of reading 20 chapters a day so that i will have read the entire bible in ~2 months, which was very manageable initially because april break was still in progress when i started. however, now that i have schoolwork to do, i'm finding that i just don't have enough time in the day to read that many chapters.

(2/2) i don't want to disregard my goal, but if i force myself to read too much each day, i fear that i won't be able to retain or appreciate much of what i read. i'm not sure what to do. should i lessen my ambitions at the cost of taking longer to read it overall, or somehow muscle through 20 chapters a day at the cost of not fully understanding them? sorry this isn't relevant to lgbt matters- i'm just always comforted by your advice and wasn't sure where else to turn. thank you for your time!

______

Ah, don’t be sorry! If I could talk about the Bible all day every day, I’d be thrilled! (I’m autistic and scripture is my mainstay special interest haha)

This gets super long so tl;dr: I vote for revising your goal and reading less per day. You don’t wanna get burned out, and you want to be able to retain what you read and have the chance to really mull it over! 

It means a lot to me that folks like you come to me for suggestions; I’m by no means an expert but golly do I love the Bible, and I’ve been reading it since childhood -- first picture book & abridged versions, then the “real deal” starting in ninth grade, and these days I often translate passages from the original Greek and Hebrew. So I’m always joyful to share what I’ve learned about reading the Bible, particularly in ways that combine the spiritual and the scholarly. 

_____

I super admire your dedication to reading the entire Bible; most Christians never do so and while it’s by no means a prerequisite to being Christian, I find that actually reading it all can be a great help in many ways:

First, it means that no one can tell you what’s in the Bible without you being able to bring your point of view to the discussion, because you’ve read it too. You don’t have to just accept what others say about it, ya know? 

Secondly, there really is deep richness in the Bible; the Holy Spirit will breathe through the pages as you read and enliven your heart. You’ll learn more about what it means to be in relationship with God, with yourself, with other humans, and with all Creation. 

Finally, only in reading the entirety of the Bible to you come to see the overarching themes of scripture, the fullest glimpse of the God it reveals. The separate fragments and books of the Bible are distinct from one another in many ways, written by many authors with differing opinions and understandings of God; but once you’ve read them all it is possible to trace the path of the Divine across them all. 

Hopefully, you’ll grow more comfortable with things like contradiction and doubt. You’ll learn how to scoop up glimmers of the Divine even in Bible stories that make you shake with anger or scratch your head nonplussed. You’ll learn that being faithful doesn’t = having all the answers, but instead is about a willingness to engage in dialogue with God and with others, to constantly learn and question and grow. 

All that being said, 20 chapters is a lot to get through in a day!! Whew!! I do recommend reconsidering your goal. It was a valiant one and I’m impressed you were able to do it for a time, but it’s totally okay to re-plan things. I used to be really, like, averse to the idea of revising goals; I felt like a failure or like I was weak or something if I had to change them? So if that’s what you’re feeling, do what you can to let that feeling go. There is no shame or weakness in realizing that your current plan isn’t working for you. The true shame is in refusing to change your ways when everything is pointing to a need for change! 

Decrease your goal to something more manageable, so that you don’t start dreading your scripture reading and get burnt out. You don’t want to resent the time you reserve for reading! You want to be open to the Spirit’s wisdom as you read. 

Honestly, if your goal were to become as general as “read at least one chapter each day,” or even “read at least one paragraph each day,” that would be totally fine! There may be days when you get more done, but even a little passage of scripture is full of richness. And you’ll be showing your dedication and learning spiritual discipline in making time for even a little passage in a busy day. 

Yes, you’ll be reading for a lot longer; but there is no rush. Reading the whole Bible isn’t just about cramming all its contents into your brain; it’s also about letting the words seep into your heart. That takes years, lifetimes even. 

Still, I understand the desire to have the whole Bible in your head. So the rest of this post is going to try to balance the “scholarly knowledge” of the Bible that you logically want to get into your brain as soon as possible with the spiritual wisdom and impact of the Bible, which is cultivated over a lifetime.

______

The spiritual side of Bible reading

I’m gonna share a passage from Sister Macrina Wiederkehr’s book A Tree Full of Angels about Bible reading, because she describes the richness held in the tiniest crumb of scripture and the wisdom in taking it a little at a time better than I can. 

Let’s start with her explanation of the spiritual discipline called “Lectio Divina,” reading the Bible in an embodied way that enriches our understandings of God’s presence in all Creation:

“Here is a way to harvest the Word of God. 

The monastic tradition to which I belong has always stressed the value of seeking intimate communion through persistent dwelling with and in the Word of God. We call this form of prayer Lectio Divina (Divine Reading). Lectio Divina is far more than what we ordinarily understand as spiritual reading. It is reading...with the eye of God, under the eye of God. It is reading with the desire to be totally transformed by the Word of God, rather than just to acquire facts about God.

The incarnational aspect of Christianity reminds us that all of life is full of God. God is in all. Lectio Divina, then, is a way of reading God in everything. ...

In the tradition of our desert fathers and mothers...the emphasis was on the reading of the Scriptures. This was the Word of God par excellence. The discple was encouraged to hover over the word of God in the Scriptures as the Spirit once hovered over the birthing world. ...The one who is immersed in the Word of God in the Scriptures is eventually able to read God in all things. ...

Macrina then brings up Guigo II, a monk from the 1100s who came up with four phases or degrees of the Lectio: reading, meditation, prayer, contemplation. 

It sounds to me like you’re currently most focused on the “reading” phase, since you’re busying yourself with getting through the whole Bible as soon as you can. That is totally cool! 

Guigo II described the reading phase as putting food in the mouth, while “meditation chews it, digs for the treasure. Prayer extracts the flavor and helps us get to know the treasure. Contemplation embraces and welcomes the thirsty soul.”

I know that there are days when I just can’t seem to get my spirit into the latter three phases of the Lectio; I can only manage the reading phase. So I read, with the faith that by absorbing the content of Bible pages into my brain, there will come a time when I chew on that content, digest it, find the treasure in it. Thus I don’t think it’s a bad thing to read the Bible primarily in that “info-gathering” mode -- the more scholarly mode -- but when you’re ready and able to wade in deeper, do so! That might be every day for you, especially if you don’t spend all your time and energy on cramming in as many passages as possible; or it might be something you don’t really get to until you’ve read whole books of the Bible. I’m not saying there’s one right way to do all this -- just stuff to consider! 

But I will emphasize the “meditation” phase Macrina describes next, because I think it might help you decide that yes, you do need to cut down on just how much of the Bible you read daily. Here’s what she says about how much of the Bible she reads in one sitting:

“Read until your heart is touched. When your heart is touched, stop reading. After all, if God comes in the first verse, why go on to the second? A touched heart means God has, in some way, come. God has entered that heart. Begin your meditation. 

Meditation is a process in which you struggle with the Word of God that has entered your heart. If this Word wants to be a guest in your heart, go forth to meet it. Welcome it in and try to understand it. Walk with it. Wrestle with it. Ask it questions. Tell it stories about yourself. Allow it to nourish you. Receive its blessing. To do this you must sink your heart into it as you would sink your teeth into food. You must chew it with your heart.

... You may ask if there is ever a day when my heart is not touched. Yes, there are many. On some days each psalm or gospel passage is like the parched earth. There is nothing moist or life-giving to be found in the words I read. I see this barrenness as a message from God also. ...God also speaks in silence and darkness. So when nothing comes, when darkness prevails, then too, I lay my Bible down. My word is silent darkness. I carry the dryness, the emptiness, the silent darkness with me through the day. It is only in darkness that one can see the stars. I have seen too many stars to let the darkness overwhelm me. Even though You are silent, still I will trust You.”

So, yeah. That’s Macrina’s instruction for reading the Bible -- it leans very heavily onto the spiritual side of Bible reading. But the scholarly side is important too, especially for your first go-around! Let’s get into that.

______________

The scholarly side of Bible reading

People who have to read part or all of the Bible for school know that Macrina’s method of reading only “till your heart is touched” is pretty, but not pragmatic. There were times when I’d be assigned all of Exodus, or all of John, or all of Paul’s letters to read within a few days or a week in seminary -- so I wasn’t that focused on getting spiritual fulfillment out of the words then! I just had to cram that info into my brain so my teacher would know I did the homework!

I feel like your first Bible read-through is probably going to lean more heavily on the scholarly side than the spiritual, because if the stories aren’t already in your head, getting them in there is your primary goal. 

As you read I cannot recommend enough the use of footnotes or commentaries or other resources to help you make sense of what you are reading. Especially when you come to the more problematic or culturally-complex parts of the Bible. You’re not the first to have questions and confusion and distress about things in scripture; so let others who’ve been in your shoes and done research help you out! By finding trusty resources, you’re leaning on a whole community, just as Christians are called to do. 

I’ve got a post here with recommendations for Bibles with good footnotes, for online Bible resources, etc.

One of the resources listed in that post is the Bible Project’s YouTube series that offers a short video for each book of the Bible. It might be cool for you to watch through all of those in the coming month, so that you can get those “main ideas” and Bible stories into your head now, even while your reading of the actual Bible slows down. Those videos can be like a “sneak peak” for what’s in store as you continue to read through scripture. 

If you prefer text to video, you could also consider getting a “family Bible” / “children’s Bible” to read through! I recommend the DK Illustrated Family Bible, because it has wonderful historical notes and images, and it quotes from the Bible verbatim rather than paraphrasing it in kid-friendly language. Reading through that Bible could totally be done in 2 months, no sweat, unlike getting through the whole Bible. And then you’ll have the main stories and themes in your head asap, while not letting your Bible reading overwhelm you or burn you out.

________

To wrap up, here are a couple other resources you might find useful as you continue your reading:

A webpage I made discussing a framework for scripture that takes it seriously and affirms LGBTQ+ persons; concepts like divine inspiration, “cherry-picking,” and the rule of love are also discussed

A post addressing misogynistic passages of the Bible; oh and another post on sexism in the Bible

A post addressing the potential for antisemitism when reading the Bible through a Christian lens

And in my Rachel Held Evans tag you’ll find quotes from her wonderful book Inspired: Slaying Giants, Walking on Water, and Loving the Bible Again, which is such a helpful little book for those wanting a crash-course in things like cultural context, divine inspiration vs. human authors, and grappling with violence in the Bible.

I hope that something in this post helps you out, anon! And best of luck to you as you continue your journey through scripture! 

#bible tag #lectio divina #reading and studying the Bible #new to christianity #< i hope you don't mind me tagging this with that tag just because this might be pertinent #to those who are new to christianity #Anonymous #macrina wiederkehr #long post #essays #resources #exploring and discerning

[sewertour]

Note: I wrote this exactly 6 years and am bringing it back, since I just got back from my 2019 cruise (page count: 0!)

Writing Workshop at Sea for One or My New Expensive Hobby

I am a terrible writer.

Not that my syntax is any more clunky, my stories any less interesting or my prose as equally tortured than the average scribe's, but my writing frequency is infrequently fecund. For me, writing is hard. And after years of wall staring self-analysis, I've decided my troubles stem from the fact that the very act of writing makes me think. Hard. Very very hard.

And since thinking hurts my brain, and my brain does not enjoy painful experiences, spends time focusing me on other cognitive tasks that have more immediate rewards, like reading an email, eating a pint of ice cream or staring into a middle distance thinking about all the awesome things you could be doing. When I finally make the effort to concentrate on writing, I start by planning to write.

There are all kinds of plans to make. There's different medium to mediate, places to pontificate, and scuttlebutt to schedule. And by the time that's settled, I'm suddenly hungry and have to deal with that crisis immediately. Before scratching no more than a few words, I suddenly have the urge to check my phone which reminds me that it's essential I watch TV. Then the day's over and I start to despair my lack of word count, but there's always tomorrow and tomorrow.

So for 2013 I decided that I was going to spend a big chunk of my work vacation time leading the romantic life of a non-professional writer. This way, I wouldn't have to hole up in a dank garret worrying about where I was going to get my next bottle of MD 20/20, or worry about any distractions at all except for the glow of the blank page.

Unfortunately, I knew holing up at home wouldn't work. First off, there would be too many distractions and besides, it wasn't working now on evenings and weekends, so why would it if I had a whole week or two? I needed to go on more than a metaphysical writer's journey, I needed a place to unhook from reality, and the Internet. I'm really bad about the Internet.

My first thought was to book time at a writer's colony in the mountains. Away from the internet and worldly distractions is traditional, but a quick search on the internet revealed a sad truth. Not only were these retreats expensive, but for some of them I would not only have to do some cooking and cleaning, but listen to other people's touchy-feely paper revelations and talk about how it made me feel. Ugh.

Maybe I just need to find a cheap hotel that feeds me whenever I want. What about Vegas? Still too distracting for me. But what if you took a vegas-style hotel, leached it of all hope and placed it somewhere far from the prying hands of a national government and the internet? That would be a writer's paradise. And that would be a cruise ship.

It's a jail cell without the shivving - a monastery without the religion - a lonely shack surrounded by nature, but with a doctor on standby. There would be an unsuspecting audience for my karaoke and an ever present army to prepare my snacks 24 hours a day. And if you're willing to take the least popular routes available, all of this can be yours for a very low, low price.

To many people, a cruise is synonymous with fun. There's a certain appeal to sitting around all day by a pool, eating at the buffet, and then at night soaking up all the bountiful light entertainment. But it's not really for me. Distraction-free living is like a form of prison and makes me anxious. That's why I have a smartphone. But on a cruise, where the internet comes at a Great Cost - around 75 cents a minute unless you get it in bulk - I'll only have writing to keep me entertained. Or I'll go crazy.

So here I am, in the middle of the ocean writing this thing you're reading instead of watching a movie, cruising Twitter or attending a comedy hypnotist show that bills itself as one of the greatest in the world. But there may be time for that on the ship tomorrow. It's a whole day at sea and my head is already pounding like crazy just anticipating typing more of this out.

And so far, I've not only managed to knock out a few pages, contemplated throwing myself overboard and seen a few places along the way, but I lost 14 lbs. (It may have more to do with the endless pacing from anxiety than healthful living, but I'll take it.)

Want to lose weight, make friends, combat Internet addiction and writer's block? Form your own Workshop at Sea! Or better yet, pay me to make your writing dreams come true and I'll organize a bunch of you to come on a boat with me and tell each other our mediocre scribblings are, 'On the Write Track'? Because after spending nearly a month at sea, guru-ing seems like a more fun than struggling with this stuff alone, finally freeing me to enjoy myself by the pool until that drives me crazy too.

[mad-madam-m]

So I'm just curious, how do you get yourself to write? And do you use prompts and if you do where do you get them? I meant to use NaNo to get me to write but it took 4 days into November for me to realize November started so I failed lol. I've been meaning to start this original thing and it's just not...working.

First of all, anon, you could start writing RIGHT NOW (yes, with 10 days left in the month) and you would not fail NaNo. You might not hit 50k (although I know people who have hit 50k in that amount of time, or less), but you won’t fail. NaNoWriMo isn’t about hitting 50,000 words so much as it is about putting a stake in the ground and saying, “Here. Today. I will start writing the project I’ve always wanted to.” And doing it. Doesn’t matter what that project is—original novel, short stories, fic, poetry, revising something, a series of blog posts—NaNo is about just. Fucking. Doing it. And you still have time to Do It.

To answer your questions:

Do you use prompts and if you do, where do you get them?

For original stories, particularly novels, I usually don’t. For fic, particularly short fic I’m writing for events, I do. Tumblr has a wealth of writing prompts that range from “here’s a situation” to “here’s a line of dialogue GO,” and I tend to reblog them under the tags “fic prompts” or “writing prompts.” Honestly, most of them would work for either original fic or fanfic, so if you are a writer who likes to work from prompts, go forth and enjoy!

How do you get yourself to write?

That’s kind of a big question, and uh, the answer to it got long. Very long. (I said once that if you give me half a chance, I’ll talk about writing all the live-long day, and this answer is no exception.)

Different things motivate me for different projects, and as with all writing-related advice, YMMV, but here’s a few things that really help for getting myself to write:

1) Develop your story.

The current original story I’m working on, for example, I have not really had to struggle to get myself to write at all because 1) I’m stupid excited about it and 2) I have developed the hell out of it.

I’ve talked before about outlining my stuff here, so I won’t go too much into it again; suffice it to say that I have done about the same amount of development on my current original story that I had on ADA by the time I started writing. I started around the very end of September developing my characters and spent a good chunk of October working on setting, worldbuilding, plot, and finally my notecards.

Shockingly, having some idea of what’s happening and where I’m going is making this story easier to write.

Right? Like WHO’D HAVE THOUGHT.

Because of that, I’ve been excited about writing my story, so getting myself to write on it has been (comparatively) a cakewalk.

That’s not to say any of the writing is good (oh God no) or that there aren’t parts that need fixing, or that I haven’t been stuck. But it’s been stuck like “how do I describe seeing a tree-covered mountain in the middle of fall from the POV of someone who has never seen something like this” rather than “I have no fucking clue what happens next uh…”

The stories I struggle the most with writing are the ones that I’ve worked the least on developing. The stories that have been the easiest to write have been the ones I’ve spent at least a month doing prep work on before I ever start drafting.

2) Love your story.

Being in love with a story makes it a lot easier to write, at least for me. Because here’s the thing, ideas are easy.

If you’re a creative person, you’re going to end up with a file of story ideas—maybe prompts you liked, dialogue that stuck with you, one of those “humans are space orcs” tumblr posts that’s just really clicking in your brain—that will be longer than you could conceivably write if you had a hundred lifetimes. That’s okay! That’s great. But it means a lot of them are never going to get past the idea stage.

For me, the stories that get finished—the ones that not only get started but actually make it through the first draft and then three rounds of editing and revisions—are the ideas that I’ve been percolating on for months, if not longer. They’ve been cooking in the back of my brain while I’ve been doing other things, sorting themselves out, and most importantly: they will not let me go.

Coming up with ideas is easy. Finding an idea that will last and sustain a story and my interest for at least a year, if not longer? That’s harder.

Y’all know how much I’ve been talking about Tiger & Bunny over the past year? We’re talking that level of obsession with a story that I want to write, whether it’s fic or original. Sometimes it takes months or years for all the puzzle pieces to come together. Sometimes the whole thing will congeal within a few weeks, or there will be one crucial piece of story that will just make EVERYTHING come together, I will literally shout “OH MY FUCKING GOD” and that’s it, I’m off to the races. (In this particular case, it wasn’t anything I’d done in the first two weeks of poking at steampunk-y ideas; it was the realization that I could put a circus on an airship. The whole story just went WHOOSH after that.)

BUT. But. Sometimes you don’t have that. These stories are great and I love them and they remind me why I love writing so much (and if you’re writing something that’s gonna be 90k+, like I have a tendency to do, you need to be in love with it, IMO), but sometimes you’re in situations where you just have to get it done. In those cases:

3) Resort to bribery.

I’ve been poking at the third part of Alpha & Emissary, oh, basically since I posted the second part. My problem is that my fandom focus has been, shall we say, split for the past year. *coughs delicately, shoves Tiger & Bunny fics under the bed*

But here’s the thing: I hate having a published WIP on AO3 (it’s why I don’t publish long!fics until they’re completely drafted and mostly edited). I hate—HATE—having an unfinished series on AO3.

So that’s the rub: I have an unfinished series that I want to finish because I hate that it’s not finished. I also have a new fandom that is wresting my attention and inspiration away from said series. What’s a girl to do?

A girl tells herself she can’t write any more Tiger & Bunny fic until she finishes this one WIP, that’s what she does.

And it’s motivated me to sit my ass down and work on that WIP, because goddammit, I have a “but there was only one bed” TaiBani fic that I would really like to have up by New Year’s.

Your bribery will be different. Maybe you get to watch 1 episode of your favorite show per every 1k you write, or you get to try a new knitting project when you finish this short story. Maybe you binge-watch an entire season of your favorite anime if you exceed your NaNo goal. Or you write 50 words and get a cookie. The point is, find what works for you to get it done.

4) Figure out a minimum daily goal and stick with it.

For me, this was 500 words a day. 500 words. That’s it. That’s one 30-minute word sprint for me. That’s something I can do without stressing myself out.

Because of this point and point 3, I wrote more than 7000 words on a story I’d been stuck on for the better part of a year before I had to stop to work on NaNo stuff. Another 7k, and I’ll probably have it finished.

Your minimum word count will almost certainly be different. Maybe it’s 300 words a day, maybe it’s 1000. Hell, maybe it’s 100 words. Again, find what works for you, what you can write regularly without stressing yourself out.

Another important thing: If I didn’t hit 500 words, I didn’t beat myself up about it. Maybe I wrote 350. Or 220. Or just 93. The point is, did I write? Yes? Then I did good. I got myself a sentence or a paragraph closer to finishing. And it all adds up.

(And hey, you don’t have to write every day. I do, or I try to, because that’s what works for me. If it stresses you out to do so, then find another way to make it work.)

5) Deadlines, deadlines, deadlines.

This one’s hard because I can rarely keep a deadline that’s not set by an external source. If you tell me on December 20 that you need a story by December 22? Then on December 22, you’ll have a story, edited and ready to post. But when it comes to something I set for myself, the chances of a deadline working are 50/50.

That being said, it is something that helps me keep on track and even if I don’t finish something by a self-imposed deadline, it does get me writing.

6) Sprint with friends!

NaNo is really great for this because all your writer friends are coming out of the woodwork going I need to hit 5k by the end of today, will you sprint with me? Sometimes it just helps to have that kind of accountability. You all get together (I’ve used Discord, Google Hangouts, IRC, and Twitter DMs for this), set a timer, and write for 15 minutes or 20 minutes or 30 minutes. Then, when the time’s up, you post your word count, everybody congratulates everybody else, and then you take a break before doing the next one.

Sprints are the reason I’ve been able to make some pretty significant headway on my word counts, and few things get me writing like knowing I’m going to have to tell everybody in my group what my word count is in 30 minutes or less. >.>

Like I said earlier, YMMV on all of these. What works for me may work for you, or it might not. But if you aren’t sure, it’s worth giving it a shot.

Happy writing!

#Anonymous #M answers #long post #M talks writing #can I count this toward my NaNo count for the day or nah

[xmistyriversx]

Fight your Demons

It's super refreshing to be the good energy. I do feel myself getting tired, running out of energy, running out of focus, and starting to panic because I'm in the middle of this project. I always start something and then get distracted and never pick it back up. I have been doing really good at keeping on track, so much so that everyone around me notices. My boss commented on how well I've been doing since I've been back. My family, my sister, even my brother notices but It's hard to distinguish with him, because men and feelings… he has always been worried about me. He sees me as what I used to be again, the little sister he was always able to protect. We just aren’t good with feelings. I did have a shift in attitude before I went back to work. It sounded like I was in a really good place and I have been following through with it. Attitude is important and I need to keep my attitude positive. It rubs off on other people. It makes me fun to be around and the happier I am, the longer I want to stay happy, and it just continues into a cycle. I do put all my thoughts together with a purpose, for myself to keep on this track, to talk through my process, figure it all out and keep going because I know I'm going to struggle and I'm preparing myself for what's to come. It really feels like I'm starting to master mind control. It's all in the way you look at things and I like to have fun with stuff so keep having fun and make it work. It is a hard process to figure out though and that's part of why I'm documenting it and doing it the way that I am. My writing style might be confusing and hard to follow but it's truly my thoughts coming to me organizing and hitting the page. There's a little bit of editing but it really is mostly me figuring it out. Because I get the thoughts out and go back for an edit, feel a thought wasn’t complete and I complete it. That was something I felt was a negative about myself,I felt the need to be relatable and it's not a need so much as wanting to help other people. It sounds lame maybe, high hopes and I'm not upset if I don't reach people but I know what's working and what's helping me now. I'm trying to help fix myself and come back. Inner child work? Shadow work? All the stuff I won’t buy into? It’s also kind of like reaching out to my former self and give her a guide, an instruction manual to figure out her brain. And she would have tried to figure it out without the instructions because she hates instructions, she'd rather just play around, but It would have been a lot easier if she had something to reference to help her out a little bit. I've said for a long time, since beginning to try and process this and accept it, and I'm not fully there yet, I'm not really even that close it feels. I know there is someone out there, just like me, a reminder music helps… “I know there’s someone out there just like me probably keeping to themselves” Music always brings something out of me and feels so relatable and helpful. But truly I know that I'm not facing unique challenges, and that everybody deals with things differently and I truly just want to help someone. And it's not that no one tried to help me, it just didn't get through and maybe this won't get through, but maybe they'll stumble upon it, relate a little bit, sit with it and figure it out eventually. It is one of my favorite parts about myself, when I'm in a good mood, silly, goofy and I can tell that I'm making other people happy around me just by being so positive… you really do get back what you put out. So I'm working on it and I'm pushing myself and we are going to try to get rid of the ghost in the basement. Because I have the energy, I’m in the right headspace, we can come back out. I'm sitting on the concrete floor, surrounded by candles, incense, sage burning. I've already done my cleansing. I'm trying hard to maintain my positive focus, to put the positive down here to take the negative out, but I do feel it pulling on my energy already. It's okay, it's just not easy… I hear Birch prancing around upstairs back and

forth, feet touching the floor. It's a reminder that this is now not then but it scares me because I know there's something down here. Birch hasn’t ever been down here and I can’t coax him down. Dogs pick up on energy… I recognized he picks up on the weird mood I put out too… but regardless it’s confirmation something isn’t right. I do believe in my power and speaking things into existence, so I'm speaking my thoughts, trying to overcome them and get them all out. It feels corny and stupid, stuff I hate but I have begun dictating my thoughts. It helps spit them out and come back for edits… It all does feel kind of silly, which makes me smile, and that's a good thing because it keeps me happy. So I’m going to try something silly, to go to the dark place. The sillier it feels, the more fun I try to keep is a tool. I can laugh at it not in a hateful way? Keep myself light about the situation, not negative about myself. I always go the wrong way and look at myself as dumb when it feels silly but that’s not what it is. I’m not laughing at myself in this… we’re gonna be laughing right in the monsters face… I can manifest things, the ghost it's my fault… It was an accident, I use fault lightly… because ever since I moved in here I always said Dewey spent far too long having too good of a time in my basement. If he is roaming this Earth as a ghost this is where he is and I often referred to the Ghost being in my basement. It was meant to be a joke… And it didn't turn out quite the way I meant, but I spoke something into existence and ended up bringing negative energy into my basement… or more so inviting something to come stay. But it isn't Dewey down here, it's not really a ghost, it's just all of your negativity that will not leave me alone. Maybe it is energy in me when I come down here and this is me pushing it out. I really do wish it would stop, it creeps up and I just shut down because you always make me shut down. I even hesitate, not sure where to go from here feeling like there needs to be a beginning but I always know once I start it keeps coming. Maybe I can conjure you here and look at your disgusting self… being here is reminders of you ruining everything you touch because you lack concern, you have no respect for me and can’t even try to be careful. It’s a reminder of how fucking lazy you were, how much time you spent down here in this dungeon. At some point I tried to make it what I wanted but we always argued. It is mind-blowing to me, you trying to convince me to refinish this basement for you… and not compromising a single step of the way. Accusing me of being cheap when I found alternatives that stylistically I liked that yes were less money and made more sense. because you contributed absolutely nothing but wanted everything. You made me feel selfish it's “us” and “we” when it came to money, but when it came to wants it was you? It's the reminder of just how fucking selfish you were and it's funny to me because you always accused me of being selfish and honestly I just… I have never seen myself as a selfish person. I spoil myself now and get myself whatever I want and it's so refreshing because I never used to buy anything for myself. And you never bought anything for me which isn't surprising because you had no money and I don't even care about getting things honestly, but you contributed nothing, but wanted a lot. I would buy you nice things and not spend any money on myself and spend all of my money to support you… oh I’m sorry “our home” because it’s selfish that it’s my fucking house. The house that I fucking worked for and paid every single penny for and every single bill… But sure you deserve it… who’s selfish? And that's just the beginning.. you always flipped every single thing around. One of the only things you were good about was twisting stuff around. You did it so often that it became so messy in my head. Strings getting tangled together until they were an unrecognizable mess… I’m still stuck sorting it out. I think about you and how smart you think you are and it

makes me laugh, especially because you treated me like I was so stupid. But I knew what was going on the whole time the more I truly think back, I was really careful about certain things, the house that is MINE not OURS and that's a really good reminder that I didn't stay because I was dumb because I have that thought all the time and it’s time to let it go. I stayed because you manipulated me and scared me, played tricks with my brain. Because I was naive, I was a teenage girl and I always find myself relating the most to her and missing her because that is me, she just got lost. It’s understandable, you always twisted everything around and I don't know how you were so good at it. Because you're not smart, you're honestly one of the dumbest fucking people I know, you just had me fooled because you remembered a lot of stupid facts and did well at school and that's something I struggle with so it seemed impressive to me. But your logic and reason was all flawed, you don't understand at all how the world works but you tried to convince me that I had no idea. You always used my insecurities against me. That was my first mistake, letting you in at all, because some of my fears have always been there, the fear that I'll be like my mother, the fear that I’m bitchy, my body insecurities, all of it, you knew I felt unlovable and you used it against me. It did circle around to love bombing, you’d make me feel good enough sometimes but it was a lie. Honestly my insecurities really weren't that bad, it was typical teenage girl stuff mostly, I would have gotten better with it… instead it compounded because of you. You're just the fucking asshole that needs to put other people down. I was such a bad bitch, seriously, because I really did see right through you and I did try to stand up for myself… But you were better at arguing and that was probably my downfall. Honestly to this day it is a little ironic, because at one point I wanted to be a lawyer, but I hate arguing. It just feels like a waste of time when you have something you're clearly not going to agree on to not just drop it and move on essentially… And you would have made a good lawyer, you could twist it all, manipulate it and use all the lies… lawyers are liars… and I’m not the best at concealing the truth… We argued about stuff that had a clear right and wrong. Over facts of things that happened… I don’t remember the specifics but I knew I couldn’t be as wrong with my recollection of the situation as you made me think I was. You always caused just enough doubt, that never happened, prove it, etc… It started the mind circles… me knowing I was right and starting all the doubt. You’d be soo mad about how I was wrong… so convincing that I didn’t fight it and gave in but then I knew you would always win and confuse me and you just had me… you somehow did make me feel dumb. I was always worried about being crazy… and the psychological warfare you played on me completely amplified all of it. I went into the circles and second guessing, fell deep into the hole trying to understand. I did see all of your ways and I did try to fight it… You made me feel so ashamed for a very long time because of all the mix of naivety, teenage confusion and embarrassment, none of the emotions making any sense. But I'm not ashamed to have hit you. You did really use that fact against me very well, making me believe that I was in the wrong. and this is where I struggle with the details and needing to take myself back to remind myself things and I'm not going to get it quite right and I'm not going to struggle with it but I did hit you if you did deserve it. And when I get there and describe the way you treat me no one is going to disagree with me. I did something early on that you made me feel was so wrong and threatened to expose me to everyone. I would be this awful being and I don't know how you did it but she bought it. She did stand up for herself but a few times.. I really can’t remember the details, it’s not important, you always pushed it and deserved it. The thing

that scared her enough was the shame you put to it, the use of the insecurities against her… how you make her look to others… and you always threatened to “tell everyone how terrible I am”... because unfortunately perception is important… and I watched you talk so much shit about so many people… lies… bullshit… just fucking ugly because you have to hide behind it… I could only imagine the things that you would say about me. I shared myself with you and you used it against me. You would openly berate me in private… let alone the things you would say about me when I wasn't around, especially if I left... And I know now I don't give a fuck, you can say anything you want about me, because I'm not ashamed of anything I've done. I was worried about the lies you would spread. Because you are a very good fucking liar, well I take that back, you think you're a good liar but people see through it quicker than you think… it does take a little time so maybe don’t get too close to anyone... It would always disgust me to hear you make up stories to get out of things… and I’d tell you they didn’t make sense and people wouldn’t buy it… There's a lot of things you think you're really good at and it's funny because you're not good at much of anything, maybe some video games and smoking weed. I feel myself get so much more comfortable here because I do want to just let loose and shit talk you so bad I always spared your feeling every single step of the fucking way, no matter how you treated me, I always was concerned about your feelings. And that's part of just what's in me regardless of how you treated me. I cared about you as a person unfortunately and it probably did come from fear a little bit, the twisting from the occasional love bomb... I know that you're super insecure too, I know that I could absolutely destroy you and I'm still holding back like stopping myself, scared of you. It’s really funny. Honestly I feel silly about it and that makes me move on. I'm tired of feeling stupid like I did something wrong that girl she saw you, she's a smart fucking girl, she's a tough fucking girl. You tricked her in the beginning, love bombs, used every ounce of her against herself. You were a predator searching for weakness. Time goes on, things get comfortable… as comfortable as you can being completely uncomfortable with somebody because I always was wildly uncomfortable with you. You did have me scared to leave, comfortable enough, convinced there was no way I could do better. Time just kept passing, initially I stayed out of fear. I'm not going to pretend that there wasn't some fun sprinkled in the 12 years, but mostly misery, anxiety. I really don't know why I thought people would believe you over me, somehow there was just enough fear involved and insecurities. You started to flip it around on me no one's going to love you, you're such a btich, you’d call me a fat fucking cunt all the time, it did lose the sting the more you said it... and it's funny because like… you seem to like it most of the time I mean you were choosing to be with me. You did want to have sex a lot… too much… trauma inducing begging pleading… disgusting… this is hard to get out but it was almost always every single time forced. I never wanted to do that with you… why would I have. But I really did know that's how you felt, the mean comments were true, the loving begging was just used to get what you wanted… I'd hear you make comments, shit talk about people that look like me calling them supid fucking cunt bitches like a total fucking asshole. All the name calling, all the using my insecurities against me, just in the dungeon thinking about how fucking gross you are, how I had to fucking tolerate that. I feel bad for her putting up with your disgusting self. I probably avoided down here because I'm worried there's semen and Vaseline and chicken finger grease prints all over every surface. This is just a den of masturbation, marijuana, and video games and it sickens me. I need to take it back, like you got to go now I don't understand. I do want to attack

you, I killed you in my dreams a lot of times. You did flip a switch after my brother beat the shit out of you though and I did get more scared because you never fought me back until that happened. Just another thing you used against me and held over my head was me and my entire family and how truly evil we are. You secluded me from everyone that I loved and cared for… I know how big of a fucking pussy you are… “oh I didn't even try to fight back” … yeah okay. I know how much it bothered you because you always bring it up, make me relive it, not let me see my brother for years afterwards and when I just wanted to go see my family you'd bring it up. Sometimes you’d tell me how you could totally kick his ass and how lucky I was... Yeah I fucking see your insecurities dickhead because you are scrawny little fuck face. You did start going to the gym because you were scared, because you got the shit beat out of you. And you did toughen up and get to be a little scary. Honestly I became terrified of you because I didn't notice you were going and getting ready to fight back. And then I think about how fucked up it is that you had to go gain muscle so that you could convince yourself to fight me back. And I mean I didn't keep fighting you but so clearly you were terrified of me. I hit you like one time and you use it against me so flawlessly. But it was so fucking stupid and silly… like wow you were scared of me I know you were so fucking scared of me you had to go to the fucking gym… to prepare… to fight a girl my man. I mean don't get me wrong you accomplish being able to take me, congratulations. I feel myself getting savage and I love it. Weed, games. arguments, the fighting, screaming, yelling, spitting, I shut down. Sometimes it would go on for so long time eludes me. I just don't understand how time passes slow, fast has it been an hour? Has it been a year? I guess that's how I got wrapped up in 12 of the years. I really didn't participate much in the screaming matches in the beginning. I tried to argue with you and then I always got lost. And it was more giving up because I saw it was just going to keep going in circles and it wasn't going to stop until you got your way. I'm not stupid so I gave up and moved on. And it's not the same giving up that I'm doing in life maybe a little bit because you beat it harder into me, but I did see where it was going, I did know I had to let you win. It was never enough even with you winning the argument you wanted more from me. You push me further and further and further every single time. You accuse me of something. I deny it. I can't think of specific examples because here we go with you would want a specific example for me to justify myself. You would put me on the spot, make me super uncomfortable and I would completely freeze up and not be able to provide one. We would literally argue over my inability to provide you a specific example and how outrageous it was. And you wouldn't even accept my “I don't have one” it would get uglier and uglier and you would yell and scream, get in my face start screaming inches from my face spit flying. And again I cannot recall what we were arguing about to even think what I needed to give you examples about because that does not fucking matter. I admitted I was wrong even though I know I wasn't. You did know I was lying, you’d want me to explain myself further… I wouldn’t know how. It would get to be entirely too much and truly I stopped fighting back a long time ago because you made me feel terrible about it becoming physical… You tried to convince me I caused it and you didn’t want to hurt me, you were protecting yourself… But again I know how insecure you were, and how scared you were of me. And I don't see this as a lie. It's kind of an excuse because you are a good liar but it's not a lie that you're scared of me. But there is no reason for you to be scared of me in situations where you claimed you were scared of me. I was always in a completely unthreatening position. Most of the time I would be sitting motionless heart-pounding

scared shitless. Sometimes I would try to get up and leave. I really would try to leave and I never made it far. The times I did leave my phone would ring over and over and over you would literally call me 50 times until I picked up the phone and then you'd start your manipulation crying begging me to come back to you. And that's where it gets interesting because somehow I did care about you and you were so fucking disgusting that you use the shit like I'm going to fucking kill myself on me and it's going to be your fault. And like I know you're to pussy shit to do it, but it did fuck with my head obviously. It does come back full circle, you using my insecurities against me. Flipping it around I guess, because I fought depression genuinely for a long time and you knew that and I really just don't believe that you're that depressed of a person. You knew that my uncle killed himself and that it bothered me and that I didn't take it as a joke and that it was not something you should use against me. And it just goes to show more and more that you fucking suck. You used my depression against me so well, you lied and tried to help me but you always stopped me from getting help. You didn’t like pills so I couldn’t try a fucking anti-depressant… I'd always come back fucking have to comfort you, crying and it was really disgusting because I could always tell… you work yourself up and do some kind of fake disgusting crying, like a was not real. I couldn't always get away when I wanted to though. After I left a few times you tried to stop me, stand in my way, and block my path tired if I tried to push past you to get out of the way and run away, clearly not trying to fight, trying to get out. You would start pushing me around, sometimes throw me to the ground, you didn't really hit me, I honestly can't recall a single time you threw a punch because again you're chickenshit. You knew you couldn’t leave marks… but you did fuck me up. You pinned me down on the fucking floor, always holding me down helpless, pressing your elbows into me hurting me however you could. I was lifeless, not moving and it felt like hours you’d just sit there on top of me crushing me. And it always came back to excuses: you were just defending yourself, you were scared of me, I started pushing you around. I was always the one that started it… Honestly, I hesitate, is this too much now? I don't know, maybe this is just an attack and not me processing but I do feel like I'm reminding myself that I fought back… I have to keep fighting back and be who I was. I just should have kept fighting and that's a reminder right now that I'm going to keep fighting. I hold myself back sparing your feelings maybe a little bit scared I'd work you into a frenzy but I really just don't give a fuck. Especially when we go back to you thinking I’m selfish… I am being selfish right now, I need to expose you. I'm working on myself and so you're finally right for once I am extremely selfish. You can say whatever you want about me and I'll know what's the truth and I'll know what's a lie and I won't mistake it anymore. And also selfishly but kind of selflessly I really hope you're reading this… the next girl… he’s always gonna be after the next one. Not to take back and tell him but truly honestly I do worry about you. No one deserves to be treated like that and you do remind me of myself. And you are beautiful and special and you need to get the fuck out. I really don't know how processing works. I don't know how detailed I need to get and I don't know what this will do but I visited it and it felt good. It felt empowering. And that's what's important is it does feel like every time I go back a little bit on my terms when it comes up in my life it's not causing me problems. I’ve been working on this for a while now and it’s time to come out of the hole and take a break. You worked hard for this one. When I think about my energy level, my happiness level, I buy into my awakening more and more. I remind myself I deserve to brag about myself… because you ruined every single

accomplishment I worked so hard for. You stifled every single part of me. I was asleep for years, I have so much energy because I’m finally awake and ready to go again. I got so much shit done when I was asleep, just think of what I can do now that I’m awake. Because I do wanna brag, I have worked so hard my entire life, and it was all for me at the end of the day. You fucked me up got me distracted but I’m still here in the best place of my life. I worked my ass of to get through college, taking on a crazy fucking class schedule while working. And biggest fucking OBSTACLE in my life that I had to deal with - you, the drain the fucking needy bullshit. So I worked my ass off did good in school, got a fucking amazing job, got an aparment, several cars, finally a house, a promotion, I fucking did everything with you pulling me under. And everytime I accomplished one of these things you fucking stifled me, made the celebration of me into a fight giving me anxiety, not letting me enjoy the win ever. I never got to stop and appreciate all of my hard work… well I fucking do now. And I know I can come here and do this work and come right back because this was three days of writing, stopping, coming back, giving myself a break here and there stopping and having fun. You didn’t suck me back into a hole. I went from knowing shit to understanding, believing. I really did know I didn’t deserve it but I always circled back to doubts… just because you really fucking made a mess up there big time… and it’s not my fault you tied knots in my head that took a long time to untangle… but you’re not allowed to be up there and make a mess anymore. I always have to do more work… but I think I made a lot of progress here.