#ive been trying to ignore it to not fuck my mental health into a spiral but i do hav to face it I guess o(-<
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my mom said my cats cant live with us in the trailer which . i just can’t do that man i cant live w/o them they are my only reason for getting up everyday,..... they’re the only thing i have irl that makes me smile or feel any amount of joy or anything whatsoever. i wonder if i could get my own used trailer too,,,,, i was looking & there r RVs for 12k,, if only i could get hired somewhere maybe i could afford it by summer :(
#im still probably going to kill myself hving to go back to my childhood . there is no escape#it never ends its always there & it’s always rotting me away#even my therapist agrees i need to get as far as i can#but i never can.#also#i got turned down from the other cafe i was trying to work at a month or so ago#ive been trying to ignore it to not fuck my mental health into a spiral but i do hav to face it I guess o(-<#there’s still the bubble tea spot I’ve been trying to get my resume to since they opened#but i checked my resumes today and something pink spilt on them o(-<#and i have no way of printing new ones#unless i go buy usb stick and pay to have them printed at staples or something but i. don’t have any fucking money#they really make it as hard as possible huh
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unrelated to the stick but have you seen cooking with geno?
Haaaaaaaaaaaa. I have :) i mean...what self respecting geno fangirl hasnt? If im honest i think it was the first thing with him that i watched, but i was not paying attention to him at all at all then. Aside from noticing that Fuck He's Exactly My Type If I Ever Had One and being very annoyed by it. My ADHD research spiral in the summer of 2022 went something like this: ra*ngers -> pana*rin -> russ*an red w*ngs -> larion*ov...and then i side tracked over to alyonka's mental health/ E*D*O videos, and then her podcast which also interviewd several hockey players including her brother (which are really interesting btw)...tldr i actually watched that video more curious about alyonka than geno, cause in her more current stuff she talks a lot about those early 2000's days and what it was like working in the league as a woman. Unfortunately for geno at that point the only thing i knew about him was that he was on the penguins and that he said some shit in one interview about bread, and i had already decided based on that and his instgrm that he looked like an asshole. I cannot find that interview quote about breadman, for all i know it could have all been made up, but it reaaaaally made me dislike him. So the first time i watched the video i was doing my best to ignore geno and pretend like he wasnt radiating attractiveness. My one conclusion about that video and a few other old pens videos with alyonka (and not geno but other players) i watched was that i was surprised how much more informal things used to be. She felt very casual and more like a friend to the players than the more professional style interviews i have seen while watching this stuff live now.
And if none of that research spiral makes sense just be grateful you dont have ADHD.
ANYWAY then lucky for geno he features in my favorite hockey photo ever - that one of him sitting on the boards with the snow and baby blue jersey. So i had to draw that photo, and then i started paying more attention to him that season, and watched that dan and sushi interview, and realized shit i might have been wrong about this guy. And maybe my change of heart only has a little to do with his Very Pretty Eyes.
And moooooonths (a year?) later i finally rewatched the cooking with geno video and had to basically admit that my initial gut instinct of Oh Shit He's Hot reaction remained the same. He's a terrible cook, somehow even worse than me which is saying something cause i'm really fucking bad at it myself. But his physicality/personality rather shines in the clip. (i have heard people say he was sexualizing or staring at alyonka??? It doesnt look like that to me, they just seemed very comfortable with one another and maybe a little teasing but im not the best at recognizing flirting etc). Young Geno's got that same confidence/swagger as old(er) geno that in most guys would come across as arrogant but with him it's very quiet and understated. He makes a lot of dumb jokes. Even on my second viewing i still didnt understand the basketball joke. He didn't talk much but there were a lot of shy smiles. He reminded me a lot of my old friend ethan in attitude and height - just like how he kind of awkwardly looms in the background at times, and how all his obvious strength is sort of soft in a gentle way. He also seemed like a guy very willing to listen, which was cute. But -and this might be me projecting. But sometimes when people try to 'teach' me how to cook i play dumb just so i can check out and not use my brain and let them do all the thinking and tell me exactly what i need to do. Its very lazy and i recognize this but sometimes my brain is tired. And i swear geno was maybe doing that to alyonka at times. Like i think his effort in the video was at most 70%. Maybe 50%. It takes one lazy cook to know another one. And i am a very lazy cook.
Sorry anon, ive been cleaning and working all day so you got more than you asked for, basically a character study, whoops.
Oh, also on the second rewatch i realized the weird short grimlin who only appeared to eat the food and then disappeared was tanger. I did NOT recognize him. I still cant really believe thats him.
#Oh i left out the part where i had an E*D*O when i was 14...thats why i was curious about alyonka#Nicole talks about E*D*O too although hers was in relation to modeling#Where as mine was more like alyonka's in that i was literally just trying not to exist anymore curl up and fade away#Mine was situational and as soon i was separated from my abusive mother it started getting better#And then after the abusive relationship when i was 22 ish i found a dance instructor who i kinda fell in love with and#Helped launch me into full recovery to where im at now#But im always curious how E*D*O presents itself a little differently in everybody#Similar things like the tricks and such but the underlying reasons and mental stuff can be so different#Food and cooking is one of those things that will probably always be complicated for anyone who goes through that no matter how recovered#Its definitely one of the reasons i dragged my feet for so long about learning how to cook#Girls need a reason to not learn how to cook#Unlike guys such as geno who gets to go his whole life unconcerned about being a bad cook#I have also seen that 2014 video of him at home cooking eggs in a skillet with a fork and then eating it straight out of the pan#He clearly has not progressed much#And dont forget omelete boy in 2022....lol didnt sid refuse to eat geno's cooking then?#Poor geno#i sympathize#unlike him my cooking mishaps have never been caught on video#i have never burned anything down exactly but there have been close calls
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You Aren’t Somebody? (Bucky x Reader)
Bucky x reader
Word count: 2647
Summary: Bucky knows that the reader has struggled with an eating disorder before, but thought they were doing better. Little does he know, they had just gotten better at hiding it. Until one night, he catches her doing something she had promised she had stopped
Warnings: eating disorder, purging, angst, fluff
Tags @abitgryffindorky @buckys2thicc @thatfangirl42 @buckfics @barnesplums @mardema @stucky-on-spiderman @thundering-barnes
Main Masterlist
A/N: It’s finals week and I am running on energy drinks, reading fanfiction, and longgggg hot showers. But the semester is almost over, and then I have no obligations aside from my hobbies. I see the requests and I’m working on them I promise! I have a list of all the requests that I get, and I am working through them I PROMISE!!! Thank you all for all of your support.
A/N 2: This deals with heavy and dark themes of mental illness. The specific warnings are above. If you feel that in any way reading this will be harmful to your mental health and your journey, PLEASE skip it. I write from my own experience and I know what I would’ve wanted to hear in these situations, and writing/reading fics helps me feel comforted. This fic is based on one experience more specifically than most of my fics, so I apologize if it’s not exactly the same as your experience. This is what I would’ve wanted to hear. If you need or want someone to talk to, vent to, or get advice from, feel free to message me, really. I’m here! <3
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Bucky was standing in front of you, blocking the door. His piercing blue eyes were locked on you, your own refusing to meet his.
He wanted answers that you were not ready to give.
“Y/n, please. I just want to talk about this”
“There’s nothing to talk about, Bucky.”
He looked you up and down. Your hair was in a messy bun, a few loose strands sticking to your tear stained cheeks. Your eyes were puffy, and your face was red, voice raspy. He took a deep breath. “You told me you would tell me if it was getting bad again.”
“You promised.”
You closed your eyes. He wasn’t wrong, you had promised. But that was because you never thought you’d see the day when you were purging again. You thought you had gotten over it. You really thought that this time you wouldn’t slip up.
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You had been struggling with an eating disorder for a while. The cause, you weren’t quite sure. An innocent diet soon turned into a competition for yourself, but the end goal was never there. At first you had thought it was just about the weight and how you looked, but then you found that some of your behavior patterns were tied to your emotional ones.
Stress was the major trigger, you had come to learn.
Whether it was a mission gone wrong, you getting injured, someone else getting injured, or even just basic social interactions you thought could’ve gone better, you found yourself inclined to comfort yourself with food.
Until you panicked, which would lead you to the bathroom with music blaring and water running to cover up the noises of your retching.
You hated it, and every time you told yourself it was the last time. But the more you did it, the more you felt the urge to do it. At first it was triggered by large stressors, but now smaller things could trigger you to want to throw up. You tried to keep it hidden, unaware of the true reasons for why you did it. You were able to help yourself sometimes, it wasn’t worth bringing anyone else into.
You couldn’t explain it to yourself, so how were you supposed to explain it to anybody?
The best way that you had figured out how to describe it was that whenever you felt a negative emotion, you could soothe it in a physical way with food, especially with all the warm comfort foods that are known. But at the same time, that feeling lasted as long as you could taste, and you would feel guilty as you felt full. When you threw up, it felt like you were also throwing up the negative emotions.
But when you said it out loud, it didn’t make sense. When people are sick and throwing up it’s one of the most uncomfortable feelings ever. Inducing it hurts sometimes, but it’s almost not as bad. Like you know it’s coming, and you’re in control of what’s happening and you could stop at any point. And there had been times where you could soothe yourself in other ways, and you knew your own physical limits. You knew when you had to stop for your own health.
Until you couldn’t stop.
Which is what led to you fainting on a mission after purging too much. Your electrolytes had bottomed out and you almost had a heart attack at an age no one should. Bucky, your boyfriend who was on the mission with you, had put it together when the first words out of your mouth upon gaining consciousness were “Is this a glucose drip?” while tugging at the IV.
He hadn’t been mad, not exactly. He wasn’t mad at you but he was furious with himself for not noticing, and for making you feel as though you couldn’t tell him. You assured him that you did trust him, but he wished you had come to him before you could’ve gotten yourself, and those on the mission, seriously hurt or killed.
Nonetheless, you still didn’t know how to talk about it.
“Can you try to tell me about it?” he asked gently, running a hand through your hair. He held you to his chest, you unable to meet his eyes.
“It won’t make any sense,” you had said, tears glazing your eyes.
“I want to understand. Can you help me understand?”
You paused for a moment. “It’s a long story and I don’t know where to start. There’s so much going wrong.” you had said, tears beginning to streak down your face.
“I have all the time for you. And it doesn’t have to make sense, these things rarely do. I’m not here to judge you, I’m here to listen.”
And true to his word, he had. He had listened and held you while you tried to talk about what you could. He didn’t understand everything, he naturally had a ton of questions, but they weren’t for that moment. He had promised to help you the best that he could, and you had promised to try and tell him whenever you felt the urges get too strong. And if you couldn’t, to tell him after.
It was easier to talk to Bucky than anyone else. Not because he was your boyfriend, but because he seemed to understand you more than anyone else could. He had his own share of mental health struggles. Neither of you knew exactly what the other was going through, but you both understood that it was easy to feel alone and guilty even though you couldn’t control it.
It was rough, but he was never mad. He was sometimes firm, and sometimes you had gotten angry with him. Only to later apologize to him with tears in your eyes. He was never mad with you. He understood that this was something internal. Upon research he had done and conversations he had had with Bruce, he understood that this had nothing to do with him. Some people thought eating disorders were about getting attention when it was one of the furthest things from the truth.
All he could do was love you and be there for you.
And to your surprise, talking about it did help.it took a long time, months, of long and hard conversations, panic attacks, slip ups, and really dark days. But it got to the point where Bucky felt that you were doing better, making an effort to tell you how proud he was and how much he loved you.
And you were doing better, in a way. But you had been slipping up more recently, and you hadn’t told Bucky. You didn’t know how. After going the longest you’d ever had between slip ups, you found yourself retching over the toilet. You would have gone to Bucky but he had been away on a mission that was extended a few days. You couldn’t interrupt him because your feelings were too much to handle. People needed his help more than you did.
You were going to tell him, but he had been so tired when he had come back. He needed his time to relax, and it wasn’t the right time to tell him. And the next day when he was rested, you felt that it was irrelevant. Any negative feeling you had felt the day before had since past, and you didn’t see the point in bringing it up today. It would worry Bucky, he wouldn’t want to go on missions, and you weren’t going to do that to him. Besides, it was just one time.
Right?
You soon found yourself purging when Bucky wasn’t around. If he had gone out with Steve, if he was on a mission, or if he was down in the gym you found yourself taking more opportunities to give into your urges. It wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been, but you were spiraling. But at this point you had been slipping up so many times, you had been so secretive about it.
It would kill Bucky inside to know that you were hiding this from him again. He would feel like you didn’t trust him. You trusted him with your life.
You just didn’t want to let him down. Not again, not when he had explicitly told you to come to him and you had been blatantly ignoring that.
You wanted to tell him, you did. But you couldn’t let him being so proud of you be based on a lie.
One day you were hunched over the toilet, legs sahking and tears streaming down your face from exertion. Bucky was away on a mission, so you didn’t even bother with the music or the water. What you hadn’t anticipated was him coming back hours earlier than he should’ve
The mission had gone much more smoothly than anticipated, which everyone was happy about. Bucky was glad he would get a few more hours with you. He had gone up to your shared room and let himself in, surprised to see you weren’t there. But then he heard you coughing from behind a closed bathroom door.
He felt like someone had punched him in the gut. You had been doing so well, what had happened?
He walked over to the door, knocking on it and calling out your name. He heard you muffle a small fuck before he knocked again.
“Y/n please, let me in.”
He heard the toilet flush and the sink turn on, you on the other side washing your face. You could feel the tears from exertion be replaced by ones of shame and embarrassment, biting your lip slightly. What the fuck were you going to tell him?
When you finally turned off the water, you rubbed your face with a towel, sighing heavily into it. When you took it away, you looked long and hard at the doorknob.
Bucky sighed on the other side of the door. “Y/n please. I’m not mad. We’ve been here before, I just wanna talk to you.”
You closed your eyes for a moment, taking a breath before you made your expression nuetral and opened the door.
Bucky’s eyes immediately saddened when he took you in. your face was still red and there were tears in your eyes. You had tried to put up a front, he could tell that too. Sometimes you got angry with him because you didn’t want to be vulnerable. He was prepared because like he said - he’d helped you before.
Before he could say anything you crossed your arms. “You’re home early,” you said coldly.
“Y/n.”
“How’d the mission go? Well, I assume.” you tried to slip past Bucky but he was blocking the door.
Bucky took a deep breath. “Yeah, yeah, the mission went well.” He wanted to be gentle with you. “But how are you?”
You shrugged, trying to appear oblivious. “I’m fine,” voice wavering slightly as you looked away.
“Y/n please. You’re not fine. Can you tell me what happened?”
“The same thing that always happens” you said bitterly. “Something stupid comes up, I start feeling like shit about myself and I ignore it until I’m puking it up with everything else, alright? It’s the same story, different time, and now I have you looking at me all hurt just like I was worried about which is why I couldn’t tell you!” you exclaimed, eyes filled with anger and tears. Bucky looked at you as if you had just punched him in the face. He would’ve much preferred that you had.
“Y/n.”
You shook your head, trying to get through the door that he was blocking. “Bucky, just let me through the door, forget it.”
“Y/n just talk to me please, I -”
“JUST LET ME THROUGH THE GODDAMN DOOR.” You yelled, surprising Bucky. It had been a while since you had gotten this angry or defensive. But he stood his ground. Bucky was standing in front of you, blocking the door. His piercing blue eyes were locked on you, your own refusing to meet his.
He wanted answers that you were not ready to give.
“Y/n, please. I just want to talk about this”
“There’s nothing to talk about, Bucky,” you said, feeling tears threatening to spill over.
He took a deep breath. “You told me you would tell me if it was getting bad again.”
You closed your eyes and felt a pang in your stomach. “Bucky, I - “
“You promised,” he said, voice cracking.
You shook your head. “Why do I have to talk about this. It’s not like I’m hurting anybody”
“You’re hurting yourself, y/n.” he said calmly.
You shook your head and narrowed your eyes slightly, tears falling. “That’s different Bucky, you know it is.”
“You aren’t somebody?”
You looked at him for a moment before a sob escaped your body, leaning on the counter for support as you brought a hand to your mouth. Bucky quickly came up behind you and pulled you into him, wrapping his arms around you. You started crying harder, embarrassed and ashamed.
“I’m sorry Bucky, I didn’t know what else to do, I didn’t know how to tell you, I -”
“Hey it’s okay, it’s alright y/n, I’m here.” Bucky kept whispering reassurances in your ears, rubbing a hand up and down your back.
After some time passed, you didn’t know how long, you were able to calm down enough to take some shaky breaths, hiding your red face in Bucky’s chest.
“When did this start happening again?” he asked softly
“I don’t know… few weeks at least, not really sure.”
He took a breath, trying to stay calm. A few weeks and he hadn’t suspected anything, and you were alone. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You were on a mission, I couldn’t interrupt that.”
“Why didn’t you tell me when I got back?” he pressed gently.
“You were so tired Bucky - ”
“Y/n.” he said more firmly.
You paused for a moment, knowing he wouldn’t take those answers. If they were truly the reason then you would’ve told him the next day or the day after, as soon as the opportunity came. There was more to why you waited, and Bucky knew that.
“I didn’t want to disappoint you,” you whispered.
You heard Bucky sigh. He was angry with himself, for not being approachable to you. All he wanted was to make you feel safe enough to come to him, and to hear that you hadn’t because you thought he had expectations for you crushed him. “Y/n, I told you you could tell me about this. When have I ever been disappointed or angry with you?”
“You haven’t. You were just so proud and I - I didn’t want to ruin that for you. I didn’t want to tell you that you were proud of a lie.”
“Hey, hey look at me.” Hesitantly you looked up to meet his eyes. “None of this was you lying. You put in the hard work day after day, and I told you I was here to support you. But I never did the work for you. You did that. I’m proud of you and I always will be because you’re a fighter. It’s okay to have bad days, it’s okay to slip up. It’s okay to need a little help too, and that’s what I’m here for. A slip up doesn’t erase all the hard work you’ve put in before. I’m proud of you for the progress you’ve made, and of the work you put in. This doesn’t change anything sweetheart.”
He pulled you back into his chest.
“I’ll always be proud of you.”
#Bucky Barnes#buckybarnes#bucky fanfic#bucky barnes fanfiction#bucky barnes x reader#bucky#bucky barns fanfiction#bucky barns imagine#bucky barns x you#MCU fanfiction#mcu imagine#mcu fic#MCU#marvel fanfic#marvel fanfiction#marvel#eating disorder comfort#tw eating disorder#tw
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many years ago, i was in a coven.
i joined when i was about 12 or 13, having found them through a classmate of mine that i found wearing a pentacle necklace. for many years it was a safe haven, a community that opened my eyes and my mind and my heart and poured in song and dance and hikes through the forest. these people became my everything, and in this community we had each other’s backs. together the coven were there for each other’s divorces and marriages, births and deaths, and anything else that could possibly come up. determined to be a caring and supportive community, radical against the capitalist mold of independence.
all this to say that it was beautiful. it truly was. and then it wasn’t
i left the coven, personally, when i was 20. this was a couple years before the inevitable downfall of the rest of the coven, but even then i think it was already coming. i had been living amongst them for a little over two years at that point. i moved in to the home of a priest and priestess of the coven and their toddler child only a month and a half before my 18th birthday, though it didn’t occur to me until a long time after that my first red flag should have been that they were taking in a minor. i had left my parents home for their transphobia and the members of the coven were just trying to be helpful....but still. They took me in as a child. I suppose this is important to keep in mind
over the course of my living with the coven i would experience some of the absolute worst anxiety of my life; i felt every single pressure to conform and perform, to do what was asked of me and to hold the same opinions as everyone around me. at this point in time the lead priestess had already begun her own downward spiral, in that she was beginning to be caught up for her history of transphobia and for asking for too much money from congregates, and then that she was caught turning people against each other and actively trying to tell members of the coven to cut off family and friends outside the coven, to devote themselves ONLY to the coven, to devote themselves to HER. while it hadn’t always been this way, she had begun disencouraging people from seeking proper mental health guidance, saying that there was nothing that other coven members couldn’t help with. she began delegating labor, physically and emotionally. she began to excommunicate and isolate coven members.
when i was 19, my mother died. as they had many times before with many other coven members, the coven rallied around me and showered me in affection and comfort. given my extraordinarily complicated history with my mother, her death impacted me in a severe way, and half a year later i was still depressed and nonfunctional. it was at this time that the covens compassion for me ran thin. first i was kicked from the room they had given me, that i had been paying rent for, into a corner of the living room with the promise of putting up curtains for privacy, and then later i was given an ultimatum to either find a new home or be homeless. no one in the coven would speak to me. im still not entirely sure why, except that i was in a vulnerable place and questioned the decision to put me in the living room and take my privacy, which then blew up in my face...but soon they would literally not speak to me. coven meetings would be held in the very home i was staying and they would all enter in and refuse to look at me. i was in the living room! there was no way to enter the home without seeing me! and yet.
so a month or so after my 20th birthday, i shoved all of my things into a 5’x5’ storage unit and began couch surfing. i would later go on to be actually homeless. i am now doing great and living in a stable home with my partner and his mom, but there were many years where i was very much not okay. in my mind i think, why did they take me in? why would they take in a vulnerable queer youth, only to then throw him out on the street when he became even more vulnerable? they should not have welcomed me into their home.
when i left the coven, i lost communication with everyone. these were people who had known me since i was 12. these were people who had watched me grow from a child. and suddenly it was as though i were dead to them. it should not have come as such a surprise to me, because i was not the first person they had excommunicated, but it hurt. my best friends mother, who had in some ways been like a mother to me as well, who had been close with my own mother and who had tried her best to help me when it was clear my mother was severely unstable, was among them to just drop me. im now 25 and i have not heard from any of them, even to check in that i am still alive.
anyways. a couple years after all of this fallout, i happened to be looking at facebook’s memories feature when i came across a comment on an old post of mine from one of the coven members. i clicked to her page out of curiosity, i suppose to see how she’s been doing. i quickly found a piece she had written detailing abuses she had seen within the coven, and specifically calling out the lead priestess. i did more digging and found a statement on the coven’s official page denouncing involvement with the now previous high priestess. as though washing their hands of her. as though she had been the problem.
and she was. don’t get me wrong. but every single one of those fuckers participated.
they helped excommunicate and isolate other coven members. once when i was 17 there was a campaign against one of the lead priests, and maybe they were right that he was making some people uncomfortable, but he had never made me uncomfortable. they convinced me that he was predatory. they convinced me that he was an issue. the next time he tried to interact with me, just to say hello and ask how i was, I ignored him and found a priestess to say that he had approached me and i was uncomfortable. i was the final straw for their decision to excommunicate him. he’d been a part of the community since the beginning. i still remember feeling weird and guilty as they stood me there in front of the others and had me repeat what id said, frenetic gleams in their eyes. i was their evidence that he was untrustworthy and unsafe.
he had never made me feel unsafe.
i still feel guilt that i participated in that, even if it was practically fed to me.
as far as i am aware, the coven still does not take responsibility for their part in everything that happened. it’s much too easy to point the finger at the person in charge! last i heard, they had rebranded and renamed themselves to disassociate with that priestess, who has, herself, gone on to continue her practice through online seminars. no idea if she’s still hurting people or if she changed herself at all. i hope so.
all of this is to say that, ive been watching the situation around @simonalkenmayer unfold from a carefully kept distance, and i am so fucking disappointed in all of you. y’all participated. if you’re mad, look in a goddamn mirror. if simon is an abusive cultish creep, y’all participated until this point. what did you do while apart of that space? what are you now not taking responsibility for? even i often think of myself as a victim in regards to my time with the coven but then i have to stop and remember that im the reason that man lost his place in his community.
on top of that, half the evidence y’all are using to say that simon is shitty is coming from...questionable sources, to say the least. people who are either outright creeps themselves or who have proven themselves as holding that same frenetic energy that the coven did when it was seeking out reasons to isolate members. if you’re angry, that’s understandable. if you’re seeking comfort from shitty people, you’ve completely lost me.
what the fuck y’all.
and for the record, the coven that i had been a part of was Come As You Are (CAYA) Coven in the San Francisco Bay Area. i don’t remember what they rebranded to. I think they may call themselves Wildflowers now or something like that.
#ive had so many thoughts the past few days because it just keeps reminding me so thoroughly of the coven#and how it collapsed#if you come to my inbox to fight i will probably ignore you#im not interested in debating. these are just my thoughts on the matter#as someone who had been following simon since 2016
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i’ve been trying to figure out my sexuality again the past few days after years of just trying to ignore how confused i am because i still think i’ll end up alone anyways so i don’t feel like it’s relevant to come out. idk how it happened but i reactivated my okcupid again and that’s when it all started again. i just don’t fucking know.
i think i’m bi but it’s like i’m constantly gaslighting myself bc im autistic and am generally always insecure about voicing my own opinions cause they never get taken seriously. it’s just so hard to figure out and really pin down because it’s not something i can measure. i try to look for evidence but being so introverted and generally not really that interested in fellow humans makes it really hard. i’ve never been in love with an actual girl i’ve met before and that’s what always makes me think im making this up in my head. yeah i’ve had several strong actress/fictional character crushes and some teacher crushes but what if that is just some strange consequence of my autistic brain being obsessed with something? what if this is just what they call ‘a girl crush’ or is that just some bullshit made up by heteros and are all those ‘straight women’ who have ‘girl crushes’ actually bisexual? idk what’s true anymore. it doesn’t help either that once my sister came out as gay i told her i thought i was bi and she kind of dismissed it and called it ‘a phase’ that a lot lesbians have and that just made me feel horrible honestly. so that has made the gaslighting myself thing even worse. i feel like i should just drop it because atm my mental health is so shit and socialising is not a need i have in my life and i can’t image anyone ever loving me anyways so why bother pinning it down anyways. but i just can’t drop it. because if i hear my family say they hope i find a nice autistic guy to be with one day im gonna go insane i swear. no hate towards them but the idea that i should just settle for people of my own kind, and a man, makes me so upset. don’t i deserve more? im gonna go insane if my friend mentions her male tv/film crushes and i just couldn’t give less of a fuck about these men and don’t see what they see. instead i’ve spent my late teenage years being absolutely infatuated with julie andrews and since then ive been spiralling with crush after crush. im going insane. i just wanna know. i don’t wanna doubt myself. anybody got any advice? honestly just want someone to validate me thinking im bi and if someone says im probably straight ill feel terrible and i don’t really know why.. but ugh help please.
#im gonna be talking to myself again aren't i#doubting my sexuality again#someone gimme some advice please#i'm upset
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i havent been active on any of my blogs or ao3 in a while and i feel kinda bad about it. im having another one of my stupid days where i dont have the energy to do anything and i hate it i hate how im so useless i cant even make myself do things. i wake up, i function for maybe an hour and im tired again. all i can do is sleep apparently. and have headaches. and get triggered by my family. i havent done any work since the holiday started and im so stressed and scared and i keep playing it off because nobody wants to know im having a hard time, im either annoying or im making people worry unnecessarily. do you know how fucking useless you have to be to get crippling headaches whenever its hot and bright outside. ive been avoiding all my responsibilities, i havent touched the piano outside of wok. someone asked in the gc if we wanna meet tomorrow. i know they probably didnt mean me because they dont care about me but i hate how theyre all free and having fun and relaxing and im stuck not doing work and i cant drag myself out of this stupid hellhole mental state to actually function and im fine when im talking to people and then im not and im so tired all the time and i hate it here. i have to deal with my insensitive racist homophobic ableist ignorant father who cant leave me alone when i need it and doesnt know i exist when ii actually need help. not that he can help me. and everything sucks here i want to get out and i dont even think i can get out anymore because everything hurts and i should be worried about myself and i am worried about myself but does it matter? im not ok. i havent been in a long, long time. i am not going to be okay. i thought i already figured it out so why is it bothering me again and why am i getting another stupid headache from this. ok so maybe my mental health isnt good and im spiraling and im having more intrusive suicidal thoughts than normal but ive been here before and i got over it, i still paid attention in class and got good grades and everything so why cant i do that now. and why cant i ever be enough. and why cant someone just tell me that im good enough because maybe i am but i cant convince myself that anymore. i need someone else to say it. or maybe i cant convince myself because i really am not good enough and i should stop torturing myself by trying and pretending
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literally just want to get over my fucking straight best friend like is that so much to ask? everything's been so much better lately in terms of my mental health and big decision making i have had to do as an 18 year old. and ive been ignoring how i feel about her in the midst of it all. but then like she always does after i finally feel like im going good and not thinking about her, she pops back up. and ive come to the conclusion that me truly getting over her won't ever happen, or at least not for a long ass time, realistically. so i've been fine with just busying myself with my own life until then. but wow...why does it always come down to this? i don't want to spiral again and jump on myself for this and be the perfectionist im trying to grow out of. im in a good place, things are changing for me, and i feel happy. this is just a thorn in my side. i hope i can pluck it out soon
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This week has been the week from hell. I've been so worried about Smokey.
I've been crying every day, having really depressed/obtrusive thoughts like "why should I take a shower? Smokey's dying." Or "why should I keep eating healthy? Smokey's gonna die. Eat french fries and drink soda." Or "kill that bottle of wine." Or "fuck work, just call out." And on and on and on.
Like I would get up and think, "I need to do things." And then immediately feel guilty like, why should I get to do this or that? SMOKEY'S HOOKED UP TO A FUCKING IV DRIP IN THE HOSPITAL.
My brain kept telling me, "How dare you feel happy. You don't love your cat." Etc.
I'm making this post because I want people to recognize these kinds of thoughts are very dangerous and as soon as they appear, you really need to try to seek some sort of help. These are thoughts that can begin to lead you down a path of destruction and harm to yourself. They ARE harmful to yourself since they often stop you from seeking healthy behaviors.
I used to have these thoughts when my father became sick and later died. And then again when I had to put my dog down and then my cat.
Today the vet called me to tell me Smokey has vastly improved though we still have work to do. She's no longer spiraling downward. She's a lot better.
Hearing that has helped me tremendously pull myself back up. But it could have just as easily gone the other way.
Please don't ignore your mental health, your thoughts or feelings. Mental health is important and ignoring problems only escalates things.
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Umm im sorry i worried everyone!
Long story shory i managed to get past the suicidal moment and managed to talk to a staff member about it, albiet through the indirect awkwardness of sticky notes on the front of my door. Well, it worked! Even if it was quite a while of frantically scribbling and trying to go downstairs and hand it to someone and then giving up and ripping it upnand then trying again. Im almost out of notebook paper now!
So umm i talked to a nice lady who's YET ANOTHER new rotating staff member i never met before. But she said that maybe she can be assigned to me as my main nurse so at least im always talking to the same person each time when we're talking about the whole ptsd and anxiety thats the whole reason im here. And OH GOD THANK YOU she gave me validation that the Constantly Looking Through Your Door Every Hour So You Never Get Any Privacy was a REAL BAD IDEA in a goddamn psych ward! Apparantky its a stupid rule forced upom them by changing NHS standards since stupid brexit and our revolving door of new politicians cutting corners everywhere. It makes sense cos really its a very bigoted/stereotypical view of mental health people faaaaar away from a distance with no consideration to what they actually need to get better. "Oh check on the crazies to make sure they aint dangerous or killed themself when you arent looking", conpletely ignoring how such 24/7 surveillance could cause more suicides than it catches! And seriously let me reiterate how it did NOTHING to catch me when i wanted to kill myself the two times its happened already, its not like there's big visual signs, sometimes its just me sitting in the corner staring straight ahead and thinking things i feel unable to tell the staff members cos i cabt trust them cos of this bullshit. And if i really wanted to do it it would be so easy to just wait in between the checks! Its so dumb! And its so easy to just turn to face the door and say 'yes i'm here' every time they check and they just leave cos thats literally all they do?? Im able to do that in the middle of a damn breakdown! They dont even know if im okay or not, just that i didnt leave the room. And nobody noticed i had a big ol cut on my arm for three days!
So uhh yeah anyway the lady was mega nice and said they actually did anticipate that this rule would start off my paranoia and make me worse as soon as they first read my symptom list. And they said they were able to give me a guarantee of two hours unsupervised to just finally sit down alone and think and cry and get this combined weight of 8 days stress all out. And im allowed to go sit in the corner of the room where they cant see me and put the wardrobe in the way just in case i dont believe them.
So ive been sitting here in my little fort for a while and finally being able to hug my plush toys and just close my eyes and think through all of this shit. And like just.. Just this lady's kindness and knowing that im not being irrational for worrying and that i might have one person i can indeed talk to. It just helped a lot. I had a big stupid think and i think i'm..well im not okay but im not at risk of hurting myself anymore. I feel more optimistic that i'll be able tp endure all this if i know i can sometimes have a moment to just be allowed to be sad about it. And just not be seen. For the first ten minutes i was just all scrunched up repeating 'nobody can see me, nobody's allowed to see me' until i really believed it. Man im so fragile, just living in A House With Several People has already broken me down to that point! I feel proud i was able to build up a bit of a foundation again just by talking to myself and hugging a giant pokemon tho! And dear god all your messages really helped, thank you everyone! I feel a little bad that i wasnt able to draw anything good and post it for the one drawing request, but then i realized if its just to make me feel better im allowed to draw badly. Like how i was scrawling absolute nonsense on my arm with a pen two days ago, just so i wouldnt cut myself. It worked! It looked expectedly like what rabid depression scribbles look like, but it worked! So i probably wont show anyone my bad doodles but thank you for suggesting i do it! And the idea from someone else of just imagining some story prompts for those ocs i thought up shortly before i moved here. That cheered me up just to know people are still interested in that idea! I hope i can feel better enough soon to actually start drawing proper good stuff again so i can give them fittingly adorable designs! But just thinking up ideas in my head for lil offscreen mini stories helps me develop them even when i dont feel up to actually writing or drawing. And then there's the other people who just sent me hopes and prayers and messages of friendship and nice pictures! Oh god you guys are my actual lifeblood! One of the things i thought about while i was just chilling out was how i met all of my friends throughout my life and how they shaped who i became and how im like.. Just a big person shape made of links of friends, and all the ways i want to make them proud, and all the ways they saw worth in me even when i couldnt see it myself. And even thoigh many of them have left me they all helped lead me through so many spiralling paths to meet the others and to accomplish other things and to get to where i am today!
And just generally.. Uhh.. Love you guys a lot, okay.just wanted to let you know that im doing better, in case my mobile credit runs out. I love you so fucking much.
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just feeling a bit shit lads i'm once again having a crisis no shocker there
i'm having my third mental health crisis in a month and i've self harmed for the second time in this past month for the first time in 2 years so that's great ive just been spiraling down and down all month and it's just been everything adding up and i'm just so tired i've been trying so hard to be mindful and healthy and nothing is working and i'm on 3 fucking antidepressants i'm so isolated and everyone im friends with either moved away or have basically stopped messaging me or texting me it's clearly a sign and i'm 1000+ miles from all my family i have 0 support and i'm so lonely i would anything for just a fucking hug like i get im weird and kind of bitch but it still hurts when clearly no one wants you around the only support i get is being told to go to fucking therapy which is where i get told to keep a fucking journal or meditate when that kind of craps just makes me more angry and suicidal and i'm so sick of i love you and i'll always be there for you message crap after i post crap like this only for when i actually need some support or you know just want a fucking hug to be ignored or blown off and let's not forget my health problems ive been barely eating and sleeping because of chronic pain i've been getting at the most 2 hours of sleep a night my bones literally will not stop aching and i get migraines constantly i literally have brain damage from getting hit by a car i get content migraines from that and loss of motor and language skills from it on really bad days and a million back problems i've had since being a kid that have just getting worse as i keep living in this god forsaken planet and let's not forget my so messed up gi tract and truly cannot eat or drink most things without being ill and it's so embarrassing and pathetic i'm just so sick of everything life keeps handing me massive L after massive Land i can't take it anymore truly wouldn't mind being hit by a car again and being put out of my fucking misery i'm just so tired
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hello yaejin. i wanted to apologize for last night. i'm sorry i brought your mental health into an argument, and i'm sorry i invalidated your feelings. that was out of line, and i honestly fucked up. i saw a pattern ive seen before and i jumped to conclusions and it was inappropriate and cruel, especially while we were having an argument. i was dealing with a mental health crisis of a friend and i let it influence me and i wasn't good enough to walk away and say i couldn't talk rationally.
(sorry, limit). my own situation doesn’t make it okay what i said, and i don’t want to imply it, i just wanted to let you know the context. i’m sorry again.
apologizing for what exactly. sorry for what exactly. you “brought up my mental health” as if it was just a little no-big-deal comment when you used my vulnerability in talking abt my recent mental health struggles as proof that i’m going insane & thus everything i say is illogical when i was talking abt racism in white ace/aro discourse. the ableism was literally a vehicle for you to derail a conversation about race so by copping to just the one, you’re not actually acknowledging the underlying issue framing it. this is such a vapid, spineless, fake apology that doesn’t acknowledge the underlying intent or impact of what that ableism did which was to derail my points abt RACISM & my experience as a lesbian woc who’s also ace. you’re just copping to the obvious thing that even some of the ppl in your clique might feel vaguely bad abt & ignoring everything else.
& you say you just “invalidated my feelings?” LET’S GO IN-DEPTH. first, you were openly hostile for even daring to question you. you brought up corrective rape as a gotcha bc you knew that was an explosive thing to drop & you could derail any objections i have to your ranting as invalidating survivors. & when i asked for proof for your claims of ace/aro oppression & them facing corrective rape, you said you didn’t want to look at triggering material when YOU were the one who dropped corrective rape in the first place w absolute no warning & w no thought if it would trigger ME (which it fucking did btw, thx.) it was curious to me that you used corrective rape as a gotcha for ace/aro oppression when it was created to describe the violence that black lesbians face in south africa. esp in light of how you seem to have this pattern of insinuating how lesbians are somehow so accepted by the lgbt community when we’re so uniquely bigoted & we never try to keep out terfs but don’t seem to take into account how ace/aros can can also be transphobic/terfs as well as homophobic & lesbophobic. that’s not a matter of a few “shitty” ppl. lgb ppl are also allowed to be wary of any non-same sex attracted person being homophobic as they necessarily benefit for not being same sex-attracted esp when have been oppressed for displaying any kind of sexual desire & deemed better if we are asexual. & it seems like you have a pattern of only calling out lesbians instead of like also gay/bi men which i find curious. maybe you do tho & i just haven’t seen. but lesbophobia in the lgbt community esp against lesbians of color is real so it’s just odd that for you to keep saying that we have a completely comfortable position in it. also you positing lesbianism & ace/aro identity as exclusive categories does play into the stereotype that lesbians are hypersexual which is esp damaging to lesbians of color.
anyway, when i researched on my own & found no convincing evidence to support your claims, you threw a tantrum bc NO MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCES & FEELINGS OF BEING OPPRESSED = ULTIMATE TRUTH OF ACE/ARO OPPRESSION. your experiences are valid & all. you’re allowed to feel upset by them. but i fail to see being ace/aro constitutes institutional oppression. in my search, i mainly saw claims of individual microaggressions and acts of verbal violence as evidence of oppression when those things by themselves don’t prove that there’s an explictly anti-ace/aro system of oppression. i can experience microaggressions for being asian & also not being into sex but those are entirely on different levels for me. i know instinctively that racism is an institutional oppression. i’m literally ace & microaggressions for that mean nothing to me in comparison. you feel differently abt it & you’re allowed but again, personal experience of microaggressions doesn’t prove institutional oppression. i also saw vague citings of a study of ppl apparently being more likely to say they’d discriminate against asexuals than lgbt ppl. the study seemed too flawed to me & doesn’t seem to take into account how ppl might know it’s bad to admit they’d discriminate against lgbt ppl but that doesn’t prove they’re not actually homophobic/transphobic. like liberal white ppl likely won’t admit that they’re racist bc they know that looks bad. doesn’t mean they’re not racist. as for corrective rape, i don’t remember finding anything that wasn’t abt violence against black lesbians & certainly not any that cites specifically anti-ace/aro motivations. i’m not saying it can never happen. but in comparison, it can be proven that cr is part of an explicit system of homophobia & misogyny against black lesbians in south africa but i didn’t see any for ace/aros. & i mean, i researched this while reading abt cr which is deeply upsetting to me as a lesbian so it’s not like this was easy for me. but i don’t rly think you have a leg to stand on in this instance bc you never provided any proof & didn’t say what your exacting reasoning on this is. it didn’t even have to be abt cr & i’m not saying you should disclose traumatic experiences, but just… say something to help me understand where you’re coming from. otherwise you look like you’re just expecting a woc to blindly accept & follow you.
& i have to bring up white ace/aro discourse elides how misogyny & patriarchy & racism & other -isms impact pressures to be sexual or asexual. poc esp black ppl are stereotyped as either hypersexual or asexual. being seen as hypersexual is dehumanizing & can be traumatic & lead to real life serious consequences. i’m literally asexual but i empathize w non-asexual poc esp woc & the struggles they face & thus have no interest in white ace/aro rhetoric that posits being sexual as a universally normal, ideal, uncomplicated privilege & asexuals are oppressed by them. also being seen as asexual/actually being asexual can be so damaging & traumatic to poc which is why so many of us are alienated by white ace/aros who posit it as a universally positive thing to be proud of. white ace/aros also imply that they can somehow face oppression by like non-sexual poc which is concerning in light of the history of racist/colonialist ideas of backwards, hypersexual black & brown menaces & seductresses versus the purity & chastity of whiteness. controlling the sexuality of poc is a key part of white supremacy so there isn’t an obvious oppressor/oppressed dynamic here like men/women, white/poc. & considering how reproductive justice is constantly under fire & how there’s societal pressure for women to be effectively asexual until (hetero) marriage, it’s hard for me to think how non-asexual women not in hetero relationships actually… benefit from being non-asexual. there’s also different expectations abt being sexual for men, esp white men, than women & white ace/aro discourse tends to ignore that. sure, men are generally encouraged to be sexual & the shaming of asexual men likely sucks. but shaming doesn’t necessarily mean ace/aro oppression & seems more like to me a symptom of patriarchy/gender roles & heteronormativity. so in my estimation, misogyny & patriarchy & racism as well as other systems of oppression like ableism, homophobia, transphobia, & classism better explain these differing expectations for being sexual or asexual rather than ace/aro vs non-ace/aros being an entirely separate dynamic. i literally couldn’t find any evidence for your claims & you got so upset at me for that but never tried giving me one piece of proof. yes, i know that oppressors demanding the oppressed to prove their oppression to them is a legitimate thing & the oppressed don’t need to feel obligated to educate them. i’ve experienced this frustration many times myself. but your behavior in this instance strikes me as white entitlement & again, a sign of you being frustrated that a woc isn’t blindly accepting you’re automatically right.
& when i started getting rly into the racism in white ace/aro discourse, you rly lost your shit. you dropped your abuse history & claimed i was invalidating you being abused for being ace when i literally never did. you straight up lied abt that. & also i know you know that i have experienced abuse & if you like bothered to think, you would take into account that i could be triggered by you dropping that out of nowhere, but instead you dropped it in an attempt to derail & get me to shut up. now this is when you suddenly rave abt how it’s obvious i’m on a bad mental health spiral & i’m believing in conspiracy theories & i’m paranoid, all a transparent attempt to make everything i said abt racism apparently wrong. w/o giving me a chance to reply, you promptly blocked like a coward. oh, also truly hilarious how you’re such a hypocrite for bringing up your friend’s mental health crisis as an excuse for your racialized misogyny when you literally used my mental illnesses to derail & attack me & dropped 2 instances of potentially triggering shit as gotchas & never took into account how this all could impact MY mental health.
rose also sent me a long ass screed abt how i’m rigid & narrow-minded & crazy & paranoid & lied abt how i’m guilting her abt not being an activist which i explained multiple times i wasn’t. she blocked before i could respond. so not just you but your clique sure seem to love throwing tantrums abt how your feelings equal the ultimate truth & how dare some bitch try to think critically abt institutional oppression & process her thoughts on her private twitter & be, god forbid, socially conscious. who does that chink think she is, am i right? why isn’t she just a doormat & shut up? why is she making us UNCOMFORTABLE?!?!?!! like maybe ask yourselves why you take it so personally & you all don’t like it when i talk abt sj & activism. rly look inside yourself for why that is.
& as soon as you’re all done with your ravings, which are full of lies & deliberate misinterpretations of what i said & massive projection & anti-intellectualism & manipulation & guilt-tripping, you all block so you don’t have to face the consequences or have to hear me out. that’s so fucking spineless & cowardly. & that’s so loaded since you all prevented me from saying anymore on racism. that’s just classic white fragility & a fear of outspoken, critical woc making you uncomfortable abt race. oh, also shout out to runa who acted “impartial” but did effectively the same thing as you. she acted concerned abt my mental health so she could convince me i’m crazy & get me to shut up abt institutional oppression & racism & instead focus on “fun things” (i.e. non-political, safe topics so she could feel comfortable). i feel esp disappointed in her bc that kind of wishy washy behavior is extremely irritating & patronizing & two-faced to me. i hated her acting like she was worried abt me when she was effectively doing the same thing as you, silencing me & making me feel crazy which means everything i say is wrong.
really try to reflect why you all thought it was threatening when i tried to facilitate a productive dialogue, i did try to be level-headed & open-minded, emphasized that i just want to understand your pov, researched on my own for your claims, & processed my thoughts on institutional oppression & my experiences as a lesbian woc who’s also ace. i tried to open up a dialogue but you refused & threw a hissy fit bc i dared to not join your echo chamber & tried looking at actual data instead of just believing that you’re automatically right w no proof which is esp loaded in this situation bc you’re white. sjc also pulled this on me too so yes i am angry you also did the same. you all treated me in such bad fucking faith & pulled such fucking passive aggressive, manipulative, cowardly, idiotic bullshit.
god, you know what? your behavior in this indicated a huge sense of white entitlement & a problem w black & white thinking & accompanying self-righteousness. i try so hard to be nuanced & compassionate & flexible & see from your pov & i clearly stated i wanted a dialogue.. what did i get in return for it? not even the bare minimum. you treated me like fucking shit & never gave me even a tiny bit of effort or consideration. that’s racialized misogyny. how fucking dare you give me this fucking insipid half-assed fake apology. you didn’t even fucking try to think abt how you actually hurt me. all i’m getting here is you attempting to assuage a vague sense of guilt FOR YOUR OWN SAKE. not even attempting to think abt how i’m an actual real human being w my own emotions, thoughts, & will. how fucking selfish can you get. not the first fucking time white ppl wanted me just be a doormat, to be their submissive smiling oriental doll only there to validate their stupid, self-centered asses & not the first time their apology was abysmal. actually, you know what, i don’t even know why i even bothered writing all this fucking shit trying to explain myself & wasting my time on you again when you’ve never tried to do anything for me, not even make a fucking decent apology.
in conclusion, this was all v obviously steeped in racism & white entitlement/fragility all in an attempt to silence me bc how fucking dare some woc bring up social justice issues in a way that’s not catered to you. you’ve all shown your asses & clearly demonstrated ableism & racialized misogyny. i’m profoundly disappointed in all of you & you’ve all hurt me so much. i’m blocking you now bc you’ve proven yourself to be a lost cause.
#corrective rape tw#rape tw#ableism tw#the-final-resplendent-pam#the final resplendent pam#askbox#uig.y.eon#abuse mention
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Personal Update
Ignore if you wish. I just need to get this crap out of my head instead of mulling it over.
So. End of bloody 2017. Not as bad as 2016 was but definitely weirder.
Im not where I want to be. So many things are going right through sheer fucking stubbornness but forcing myself through isnt working.
My credit score is finally back up around 630 from nearly 400. I got my student loans in forbearance. I’ve been able to pay all my bills except for one small medical bill for my wrist that I need to call about tomorrow and buy some time on. Speaking of, this brace should be off at the end of the month and itll be the first time since Sept Ive had full range of motion. My health insurance kicks in in January. Ive made a bunch of new friends and Ive been financially stable enough for the first time in years to help them and strangers.
But Im bottoming out again. I’ve struggled for 15 years with my mental stability without ever getting help. Im not eating again, not sleeping, not taking care of myself or my things. I can see the spiral but I cant break out. My work is not helping, its pretty much been a catalyst, but itll be months till I can get out. Because of the stress I havent been able to write since Sept or Oct and thats a bad no-no. Writing is my biggest way to vent and stay sane because I do my damndest never to talk to people about how bad it is. I’ve lost too many friends by trying to explain and asking for their help. SO, even though my work insurance probably wont cover mental therapy at all, or just a few sessions if it does, I’m going to try and find therapy for both diagnosis and support in my area.
This being all it has been, I feel fucking terrible for not being able to keep any of my promises on posting writing on Ao3. Im trying to get back into things by writing small things for friends and for the HolidayHarbinger. Im going to try and get a bit more active on here and my Mass Effect main again. 2018 is gonna be about getting more stable so I can write with more regularity before I even attempt to boost and get any readers again, and getting a new job.
For the few of you who have been hanging onto me instead of letting me drift into obscurity, thank you for being there. For the rest of you, Im sorry Ive been way too terrified to speak to you. Hopefully that’ll improve.
Happy end of the year, here’s hoping we can all make 2018 be what we need it to be.
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i guess im gonna try and restart the personal journal thing i had intended originally for this blog, but ill keep it tagged so it can be blocked/ignored & under the cut if im being followed by people who don’t have interest in that kindve stuff !
its a lot easier for me than keeping up with a physical journal, which sounds ridiculous but is mostly because this’ll be at my fingertips whenever i need and feels more secure than something in my house
its kindve jarring to find out that your household and family arent as good as you always thought
not just in the ways of “their mindset is kind of bad”, or even “really bad”,
but in the way that your family’s damaging your health. it’s scary to genuinely look at the words “mental abuse” and be so overwhelmed with anxiety at the thought of ever labeling your family like that, both out of fear that maybe you were wrong all along, maybe that pain you're dealing with isn’t valid, isn’t any kind’ve real abuse, just “tough family life” or something like that, and out of fear of things being so bad.
i’d never really looked far enough into it, until the last year. never really processed how my aunt’s manipulative, how my grandmother blames me for everything or gets angry at me for not knowing the things because she didn’t teach me. gets mad at me because i don't know how to clean something, how to work something, how to keep myself from spiraling out of control and then having the gall to say “i’m working on it” when i beg her to teach me or help me learn. i never really realized it until my grandmothers fiance was drunk and yelled at me down the hallway for the first time ever in my life, getting angry at me for not having eaten dinner but having dared take a tiny, bite-sized frozen snicker out of the freezer. i never really realized it until i was shaking out of fear that it’d escalate, with my grandmother stepping in to stop him. i never really realized it until the dinner i had eaten dinner and that in my attempt to make something for myself as a snack, hearing his voice to my grandmother in a sharp tone, talking annoyedly about how “we need to figure out what all of us likes.” as if i hadn’t eaten the shitty canned-prepared food. it wasn’t like he didn’t know how to make anything more, he did, and i always ate the things he put effort into.
its scary, the more things i pick up on being unhealthy. the way my grandmother blows up on me, getting mad i forgot one thing that led to a small mess, as if a single mistake i’d never made before justified her irritation and muttering. as if i’d want to say “thank you” to her after making me feel like melting into a puddle of guilt and regret for asking for her help, instead’ve just trying better to handle it myself. “you can say thank you” for what? making me cry because you told me in an angry voice that i should never be allowed food back in my room again, that because i’d never dealt with the ants back there, that they’d never shown up there before or gotten to any food there before, that i should have known better? i’m still young. im still terribly young compared to you and everyone and age in general. i still have plenty of first-time mistakes to make, don’t make me so afraid to make more.
i still remember my aunt crying because at the poor age of six i had broken down, before i even know i had anxiety, sobbing and saying i couldn’t stay over for a sleep-over because it made me want to throw up, made my body shake and my head spiral with panic i didnt know was panic. i still remember her crying, trying to pretend her feelings were hurt that i was so genuinely panicked and troubled, that she was justified in forcing me through something i didn’t want, the way my grandmother played along with it. i was six when i realized that my outward panic and distress would get me nowhere but guilt-tripping. no attempts to calm me down, no telling me why i was panicked, no helping me calm down. just “stop crying”s, “why are you crying”s i couldn’t begin to identify to tell them, i was only six, and then the guilt of forcing me to stay at a household i didnt want to, with a part of my family i was scared and uncomfortable with. i remember just wanting to go home the entire time.
i remember when i used to at the very least enjoy my cousins, until the oldest disolved into racist jokes, profanities and jokes made out of serious problems, making my chest tighten and realize why i’d felt so disgusted by him when i finally heard him make those jokes. but, seeing from the way every other child is prioritized, showered in gifts and good things, given the help they need, pitied, i suddenly realized that i am not important. i suddenly realized i was not a priority. am i too late to help? is that why they dont look at me with pity? why they don’t say “he has anxiety, he can’t help it”? but his unjust fits of rage and anger and threats to hurt his little sisters are okay, because he “cant help it, he has anger issues! hes working on it.”
i still remember pinning him away from lily because he rose his hand, threatening to hit her for playing on the phone. i remember hissing “don’t fucking touch her,” i remember for the first time feeling like i could stand up for somebody. i still remember how that became the start of when i really hated him, for threatening to hurt a four year old because she wanted to play a phone. i still remember that and i still remember how i was told that wasn’t a valid reason. i still remember how they did nothing, never soclded or talked to him about it.
i still remember learning i am not a priority, that i am not important and that i might as well rot away here like a sad-story-rapunzel, never going outside and never getting to do things, stuck in a tower and scared of the real world, not sure what it’s really like because ive always been so indoors. the only two family members that understand me are the ones that passed down this anxiety. i don’t blame them, though. i’d never be mad at them for this. at least they knew what it was like. at least my grandpa told me he had anxiety, how my dad struggled with it and never got therapy for it either. it made me see why he was so understanding, so “easy” on me in my grandmothers words. he was the one that understood, he was the one that helped push for my therapy. of course, she only gave in so easily the first and last year i had therapy when i was twelve because it directly stopped me from functioning and doing schoolwork. but i guess until im in crutches again, it won’t be dire enough to her to get me into therapy.
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ignore this.
i think im finally out of the weird funk i’ve been in, but consequences haven’t waited. i more or less ghosted everybody in my life for a solid month, including both of my partners. i want to apologize, but... fuck man. i haven’t said anything to either of them. they tried to reach out. i feel awful, but what do i even say? “sorry, i was trying to combat my spiralling mental health by forcing myself to maintain a healthy living environment but because ive never been in a healthy relationship that required regular maintenance, i forgot that you guys have needs and fuck.” i feel awful, but i dont think i deserve another chance with them. they already know im wishywashy, and its more than fair of them to want someone more reliable and accountable. im tired.
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it’s the Jake’s Mental Health Corner Update time (this is long and probably Do Not read it)
let me Tell u something. me? i gave up that ‘trusting people’ shit a LONG Time ago. bro ive been so fucking paranoid and depressed lately its not even a bitfunny anymore and having semi-relapses and some of its not my fault but also Some of it is? Like i’ll legit get a thought in my head and instead of stopping it like i usually do ill let it spiral. and spiral. and spiral. and spiral
until all i can think about is how everyone probably talks about me behind my back or they dont like me as much as they say they do or i’ll Fuck up(tm) again and make the worst assumption but ill make the mistake again of saying it out loud and i wont be able? to Explain why i think the way i do other than ‘ idont know Guess im just fucked up’ and then that’ll get all my friends to leave
But maybe that would be better you know? Because sometimes i think im such a shitty person anyway like, the last time i tried to help someone ,REALLY help someone, it was just for my own gain. I just wanted to prove to myself i could do it , so that i could lift up my own self esteem. And even to this day sometimes i still feel like that about people? not...Like i dont act on it anymore but it seems lately
sometimes my only two feelings for people are either this fuckin Pity or a ‘oh god ill never be as good as them’ envious feeling? Which are both awful? i either get fuckin like... freakishly jealous yet idolizing that they’ll always be better than me, or i feel They can never get on my level (not that thats a bad thing because whomst the fuck wants to be on this shitty stage) and i’ll be nice to them but out of pity?????
that or nothing at all. that or i dont feel anything at all and im just acting out the part of being their friend. sometimes i wonder if im really even capable of caring about people Genuinely? like other people talk about? and that sounds so .....like, Mind-boggling, but sometimes i feel like the ‘care’ that i give people will always be dirty and unclean. and tainted by my own desires. is that normal? like is it normal to feel like no matter what, you can’t really selflessly love someone else? even if you do favors for them and never ask anything in return (which to be fair i never do that anyway, i Always gotta have Something), you’re still using them to some degree because you’re just tricking them into liking you you know? like youre only doing those favors for them to get them to like you Its Manipulation(TM) right?
I can try to be as Nice as a fuckin saint but in the end im still just doing it so that ill feel loved. Like it’s still only just for me. and i see so many people that love their friends and s/os so dearly and so...purely? like that sounds meme-ish in this day and agebut i mean it. i see people that have a pure love for others and i just wish i could. feel that. i wish i had that because i feel like i cant give it to people even when i want so Badly to
or thats how i see it in my head anyway
but maybe im overthinking it? And also talking about it just makes me feel even more awful for a second because i dont want people to see this part of me that feels like im a shitty person because when you talk about how shitty you are i feel like people start to see it too. like ‘oh yeah you Do do that now that you Mention it’ and i just cant stand the fact that theyre gonna hate it as much as i do
I wish people didn’t hate me? or i wish i didnt constantly feel like they did. I feel like even if people don’t hate me for good reasons that they cant see they’ll find something else to hate about me that’ll be just as valid. like that i interrupt people too much or only know how to make conversations by making everything about Me again or im so torn up about isolating myself but i wont stop doing it, i wont stop ignoring people and turning people away even though it Fuckign eats me away inside? I Hate doing it!
and then i cling to a specific number of people while pushing everyone else away, every one that tries to get in and see what im all about i just push them away and stick to the same people who already Know and are gonna get sick of me eventually and then who is gonna Care? no one will because i ignored them and the people that i didnt ignore found out how awful i am , still am, even after all this time even though they trusted me to get better
I feel like i havent gotten better at all
Outside of my social life I still can barely feed myself, i still can barely shower or brush my teeth, i still cant go on walks even when i really , really want to even when i just want to feel the sun i cant. I cant go outside because ill get people looking at me and i cant stand strangers looking at me. i just want to be alone but also im more terrified of it than anything and being so alone in this world is whats eating me up inside. not doing anything is whats killing me, not getting to talk to anyone face to face is whats killing me, But i cant stand doing it! i cant stand doing it whenver i do get the chance
And no one can help me but myself and i know this. i know its my job. its my responsibility. i Know this
but you cant stop wishing you know? when youre like this, you cant help but wish for something to come along and just magically. make it all disappear. magically make all your problems better and thats the problem? thats the entire problem with people like me. because logically, the only thing that makes things disappear? The only thing that makes it so you dont have to feel bad anymore? well
Well.
You Know What.
But im not gonna ever attempt That again
I think im fine now. writing it all out really...helps...even if this is just like some nonsensical piece of garbage and honestly i think i make it out to be worse than it is. Its fine yknow? it goes away pretty quickly. and it feels nice to have a platform to put it on , where people Might see but not guaranteed see? like theres a chance they can, and you can still feel acknowledged and like you exist, but you dont have to freak out about it. thats nice. thats kinda why i still use this site after its descent into Hell
if you made it to the end of all this Congrats my friend and i know this might seem like super....uh, Heavy but Really....it Passes. it comes and goes. Im Done Now good DAY
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i hate the take of “just stop looking at stuff you dont like online then if it upsets you!!!”
like very obviously, in case you need me to say it: don’t run discourse blogs and don’t seek out things that upset you to be mad about it. it’s bad for your mental health. just stop looking for it. stop commenting on it and engaging with it. block people. get blacklist extensions. if you want to say smth abt it say smth abt it on ur own time (like i am right now)
but also even if you block people, even if you get blacklists, even if you download extensions, even if you block triggering content, the internet is not designed how it was in the past. its all on big name social media platforms that make their money via engagement. they make money shoving as much content as possible in the users’ faces. if anything might get a rise out of you and lead to engagement, good or bad, they have a vested interest in showing it to you. except tumblr which runs on pure incompetence at this point.
i have a bunch of extensions. if i see someone i dislike so much bc their takes piss me off so much i do not just block them on twitter, i have an extension that blocks every single person that follows them. not because i’m inherently making a moral judgement about every single person that follows one user, but bc that’s how dedicated i am to avoid it. i filter triggers and things that range from things that will send me spiraling to things i just find fucking annoying. i have extensions to do this for basically any major website i use with any semblance of regularity.
and yknow what? ive had to just stop engaging with fandom as a whole. when i complained about untagged age gap stuff in my favorite character’s tag years ago i got sent irl gore along w my friend of mine who was publicly agreeing with me. i just don’t go into most large fandom tags. i see fandom content sporadically. i very rarely go looking up most kinds of fics. i very rarely do anything new, look up new art, look up new fics. i no longer enjoy my time there. fandom has become something i actively resent, when it’s supposed to be about shared love of a media. there have always been shit heads, but this goes beyond a few assholes you can block and ignore. i shouldn’t have to block all 2500 of someone’s followers with a janky extension designed to block alt right speakers who sick their followers on others to harass them bc i kept getting dogpiled with insults, triggering media, and sometimes slurs the moment i interacted with them w/o knowing their shitty ship opinions. i shouldn’t have to avoid engaging with the fandom at all. i shouldn’t be afraid to look at new art and stories without being blindsided by triggering content left untagged (usually in art but you would be AMAZED by the fics).
i do not seek it out. i do everything in my power to avoid it. and you know how that looks? that looks like barely engaging online with anything i like unless the fandom is fucking dead, because if i do it’s actively destructive for my mental health. it looks like me having fun ideas for art and stories and talking about them with my friends and never following through because i don’t want to deal with more dogpiling and nonsense and triggering content. it looks like me losing all my steam for fics and leaving so many unfinished because the fandom behavior makes me actively hate my own work, and i’m tired of getting shitty comments on my stuff that undermines what i’m even trying to do and what i like about it.
“don’t look at things you don’t like and stop complaining about it!!!” really just looks like “get out of every fandom space then already” and it’s getting annoying. maybe stop bragging about how much YOU personally tag stuff (spoilers most of you bragging about it only tag on ao3 at most, though most websites also don’t make tagging easy at all, but at that point you should just admit the websites are shitty and it isn’t the fault of other ppl finding it either if its also not yours) and start telling your followers not to dogpile, and start looking around at other creators making things like you do that can be triggering or harmful and asking them to give warnings and tag it.
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