#maybe some people resort to making silly fun posts to cope but I think not enough people read his blog posts

[blackberry-jam]

That post about cannibalism becoming too mainstream and destigmatized by certain sections of the internet and therefore losing its weight and horror and visceral nature just has me thinking about how HABIT ate a baby and everyone was like oh lmao he’s just an edgy cool guy!!!! He’s just like me fr!! Haha!!! Which. I think not enough people are freaked out by the fact that he forced Evan to eat his own child raw and possibly alive. He mentions “the bones” and implies that it took awhile. Like that wasn’t Hannibal-style Brioche With Baby Pâté and Shredded Zucchini in a Plum Vinaigrette, he just opened Evan’s mouth and bit down until the job was done, and I think that says a lot more about Habit than people want to examine. Idk it just. has me thinking. The number of times hurting children comes up in entries and supplementary materials about HABIT is kind of overwhelming, really. I’ve seen people talk about how they think he’d draw the line at hurting children, but the source material goes out of its way to state otherwise- just about every time he’s in contact with children they die. Or worse. He’s the summation of the worst of humanity, the combined aggregate of all of our flaws and crimes, and one of those crimes is cannibalism, so honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if he made a habit (ha) of it.

#he would not respect your pronouns he canonically made a man beat his own dog to death and he made Evan eat his own baby. #like maybe some people are not ready for horror media #maybe some people resort to making silly fun posts to cope but I think not enough people read his blog posts #they are genuinely horrifying and evil and so is he! #and that’s why he’s an insanely good villain! he’s so charismatic despite it all! #but god like. the fact that he was friends with Albert Fish. and Goebbels. #emh #idk ignore me I just think like. not enough people care about the violence done to women and children in emh and nobody wants to give it #the weight and meaning it was intended to have #if you don’t care about Jessa and Jess and Steph and the baby and the kids in the stories and Vinnie from the past it’s like. okay #nothing HABIT does will mean anything to you #because nobody you care about got hurt except Vinnie #it’s pretty telling. to me #everyman hybrid #everymanhybrid #cannibalism tw #I guess???? if you’re on here you probably don’t care but just in case

[katierosefun]

creator tag

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 (ish) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works! 

thank you @kckenobi​ and @pandora15 for the tag!! <3 so here are the works, in no particular order and also oh gee i am so sorry this got so painfully long you can tell i’m procrastinating on my final + also i just tend to run my mouth when im talking about writing asdffd

to these memories (After Darth Sidious is defeated, everything changes. Some for the better, others not so much. Mostly better though. (Or: Anakin becomes a dad. Rex rehabilitates clone troopers who no longer want to be a part of the army. Ahsoka gets a call from an old friend. And maybe Obi-Wan finds out it’s not just his enemies who don’t stay dead. Basically, everyone gets the happy ending they deserve.)

so this was my first major longform tcw fic, and i just. i have a lot of feelings about this fic, mostly nostalgia and lots of gratefulness. first of all, i think i met a lot of super cool people through this fic, and i also? just? idk, this was a major project that i kind of worked on to cope with post-tcw sadness + also just. general sadness about the world’s situation. writing this story was actually super healing for me, mostly because i just. really wanted to have something where happy endings existed. 

so this really...was an experience, and i’m so super grateful for everyone who read along. to this day, whenever i get a comment about this fic, i feel super happy because it makes me feel glad to know that there were some people who took comfort in this work, because i really wanted this fic to have that kind of effect on people. :’) 

there they are (Right before Ahsoka leaves for Mandalore, Rex distracts Bo-Katan so she could give her family a proper goodbye. (There's hugging. We just needed our trio to hug.)

i think this was one of my first tcw fics of 2020, and. i just remember impulse writing this after watching old friends not forgotten because i was just. so sad that we didn’t get an anakin and ahsoka hug or a trio hug or anything. i understand why they didn’t--like, i really, really do, but. but i think if there’s a theme i’m going through this year, it’s ‘this was sad, so i’m gonna make it happy!!!’, so...as my masterlist puts it, ‘dave filoni said no trio hug, so i said fine, i’ll do it’. 

uhhhhh, how very unusual of me, but!!! probably my working on a new original story. i’ve got the fourth draft of another story siting in the background, but. this other story idea came at me, and five outlines later, i started this story. i’m about three chapters down now, but. a snippet of the prologue: 

“Well…it’s also a rather important story,” Rosalind said. “Do you enjoy stories?”

“I want to be a writer,” I blurted, and I stopped at that. I fiddled with my mug, heat that had nothing to do with the hot chocolate or the fire rushing to my face. Silly, oversharing me—oh, what a young, lonely child I was back then. So desperate for conversation that I had grown out of practice and resorted to sharing details that the average stranger would not care for.

But then again, these were not the average strangers—although I’m sure you’ve figured that for yourself.

“Yes,” I said meekly. “I enjoy stories.”

“Well,” Dae said after some time, “it’s good that you’re a writer.”

I lifted my head, and this time, I saw Dae and Rosalind smile at each other. A softer smile, one that made me feel suddenly dreadfully, dreadfully lonely.

“You might want to write this down,” Rosalind said at last. 

And so I did. 

*and cue the actual story* i won’t say too much because adsfsdfsfd talking about my original work makes me feel awkward + also i am constantly in fear of people stealing ideas even though,,,even though i know the only person who can write this story is me, anyways, but uh. i will say that i have a plan for a five-part series that’s basically about a witch and a princess. there’s a prophecy in the background. there’s magic. there’s rivals to friends to enemies to lovers. there’s father figures + big sister figures + found family + ancient kingdoms + the real world blending with the fantasy world + uh i’ve said enough okeee bye that’s it

the moment was enough (The war ends. Ahsoka and Obi-Wan try to work things out since the last time they actually saw each other.) 

it had been a long while since i had written anything that was really just about ahsoka and obi-wan, but. i think everyone knows that i really love my grandpadawan and grandmaster duo? idk, this fic really made me feel things because i was thinking a lot about how obi-wan and ahsoka had left things. i wanted to make it pretty clear that they both clearly care about each other a lot, but like. also. there’s still some hurt there. i just had so much fun writing this, because obi-wan and ahsoka are such an underrated duo and i love them :’) 

loose stitches (The discovery and aftermath of Maul. Anakin and Ahsoka find themselves pacing in front of the Council chambers multiple times. They might have taken Obi-Wan to Dex’s. Something might have unraveled, only to be stitched back together.) 

kasey before you say anything pls know that i would talk about this fic until literally the day i die i am sorry if i am making you feel self-conscious--but anyways this was a collab with the ever-talented, ever-wonderful @kckenobi. so uh, quick story which mayhaps i might not have told anyone before, but whatever, i’m listening to evermore and therefore have no choice but to be emotional huh--this fic was like...one of the first collabs i’ve ever done? in general, collaborations were always something that made me nervous because it required lots of vulnerability and honesty, and there’s a side of me that’s very obsessed with having this image of Neat Writer Who Has Coherent Thoughts (which,,,doesn’t even exist so why was i obsessed? no idea). so that said, this collab was just. so wild + wonderful because it really was, first of all, such a cool, magical experience. there’s something so amazing and insane about passing words back and forth and like, even a screen apart, there’s something magical about like. sitting down at a laptop at the end of the day and feeling like you’re about to step into a portal where it’s just two people trying to spin a story. writing with kasey was just such a wonderful, absolutely magical experience, and i’m really glad that we got to write this story + the many more that we did. just. there’s something really personal and beautiful about writing until 1, 2, 3 am when the world’s asleep. anyways. magical. 

asdfsdfd i’m very sorry that this got so incredibly long, but!! that said, 2020 was a hard year for lots of different reasons both personally + because of *gestures at the world* but. like. i’m really, really glad that i got back to writing clone wars fic this year, because i’ve met so many wonderful, wonderful, wonderful people here, and. yeah. y’all are my serotonin suppliers, and i do refer to a lot of people here as ‘oh yeah, my friend and i were talking the other day about...’ and ‘why are you smiling?’ ‘oh, just something a friend said--’ and. yeah. i hope y’all have a wonderful, wonderful rest of the year + also a wonderful life because y’all are simply the best :’)) 

no-pressure tags: @lightasthesun @meandmyechoes @soplantyourownflowers @ilonga @sonderwalker @mytardisisparked @60sec400 and really, honestly, anyone else who wants to!!! <333 (like. i mean it. literally. just tag me and lemme scream encouragements at you.)

#tag game #thank you!! #caroline stop writing essays challenge!!!! #i cannot and will not stop writing essays i guess adsfsdf

[belliesandburps]

Followup with MGS4 Peace Walker and 5?

History has a funny way of repeating itself. :P

This one's actually gonna be long, so I'll cap it here to spare those uninterested in non-kink posts the burden of having to scroll past this fanboy rant. 'XD

Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots

3. It's Okay

Soooooo...not a controversial opinion to say that I don't think MGS4 is GREAT. I adored it when it first game out, and I still enjoy replaying it from time to time. But good lord, so many of the interviews shed light on a LOT of this games problems.

Some backstory is required. Hideo Kojima was done with MGS by this point. He planned to move on and leave the series to the younger generation. But then, there was a lot of internal conflict and struggle to determine what MGS4 should be after Fukushima quit (AND was rumored to have been murdered by the Yakuza...how that rumor started...and became a SERIOUS rumor that millions believe, I do not know...). So Kojima came back, course corrected, and the end result was kind of a giant mess.

I'm not talking story because, there's just way too much to unpack. But as a game, MGS4 can't decide what sort of video game it wants to be. It had a brilliant idea that had never been done before with its Battlefield Stealth, which were the best parts of the game. And then they get dropped two acts in, and what gets replaced in their stead is not nearly as fun.

The game had substantially less boss fights than its predecessor, and a lot of them were mechanically simplistic or just didn't let you get creative with how you fought them. And we later learned there were a lot more bosses planned, more gameplay sequences planned, and an entire other PMC group that got canned in favor of the Scarabs so Shadow Moses could be guarded by machines instead.

There's a lot about MGS4 that I love. I think the first two acts are amazing, ESPECIALLY Act 2. I think the mechanics are great. REX vs RAY is criminally fun. The sheer buffet of insane weapons gives the game a good amount of replay value. And the graphics still hold up to this day!

But what I finally realized is that the game juggles way too many ideas and doesn't give any idea the time they deserve to flourish. Battlefield Stealth could've CARRIED MGS4. But it gets dumped before we can get our moneys worth. A disguise sequence could've been really creative, having to juggle different identities with OctoMask every time one identity is burned. But it's only used once and wasted because it's only used for a terrible tailing mission that doesn't let you actually explore the European City. And too many of the action set pieces are kind of bland except the bosses and piloting Metal Gear.

MGS4 should've been MGS4. Not MGS's "Best Hits."

Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker

1. LOVED it!

I know this is unpopular to say, but I'll say it. Peace Walker is one of the best Metal Gear games ever made. I adored almost everything about it. The gameplay improves on MGS4 in most ways because it doesn't juggle a billion ideas all at once. It's MGS4 stripped down to stealth action from start to finish, and that's all I wanted. The level design is great. The insane volume of guns changes the entire feel of combat in later post-campaign gameplay. The mission select options mean you can jump into all the parts of the game you enjoy the most. There's TONS of bonus missions that are really inventive and fun to replay. And the story is one of the best in the series. It's straight forward, very tight, characterized well, and is the best iteration of Big Boss to date.

Peace Walker's also the FUNNIEST MGS game by Kojima as well. There's so much more personality and levity to everything, to the point where Big Boss often feels like an MCU character. That might sound bad, but it's really not. That corniness fits MGS PERFECTLY, and I'd argue is tonally spot on for this series. MGS doesn't need to be dark, gory or explicit. It's a silly series that's about giant robots, corny bad ass super agents with an anti-nuke message.

The only downsides to Peace Walker are the QTE's and the boss fights. This was a feature that only ever appeared in this game and for good reason...it was fucking terrible. So basically, you had cutscenes that forced you to do various QTE's or else get dinged on your ratings at the end, even if you played perfectly. Fairly minimal, but then, you get to Strangelove's torture. And this is the single most rage-inducing part of any MGS game ever made. It's an insanely physically painful button mashing sequence that will leave your fingers raw and your PS3 triangle buttons jamming. And the ONLY way you can replay one of the best missions in the game (the prison escape where you have no items) is by redoing that sequence over and over. And the boss fights? While inventive, they're all just grindy bullet sponges with no personality, no stealth tactics, and no room for creativity the way you can get creative with every other MGS game's bosses. This was the biggest disappointment for me because the stealth and combat mechanics of PW are great and would've been SO good against human enemies like what Portable Ops had. Instead, every boss is a mini-Metal Gear all voiced by the VOCALOID AI from the mid 2000's, and each one takes forever to destroy. It sucks because PW had a TON of bosses, but only a few of them are any fun, and that's only if you have weapons that are strong enough that they don't take ages to destroy.

But asides from the bosses, the REST of the game is so damn good that I don't even care because that's just one element to a much larger, grander game. Which is even more impressive when you consider PW was originally on the PSP before the PS3 port. And this game has more content and replay value to it than most games I've played since.

Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain

1. LOVED it!

Hooooooookay...so, I've rambled about my storybook romance with MGSV for YEARS now. (Just ask @twistedtummies2, he's been subjected to my fanboying of this game more than anyone in existence XD) But there's a reason I regard this game as one of my all time favorites and the best MGS game to date.

It's REALLY freakin' fun.

Kojima had been re-energized by the time he got to MGSV. He'd been working on the game around the time he finished Peace Walker in 2010. He KNEW it was his final MGS game and wanted to do something completely different...

...He wanted to make a game where the central focus was on...waaaaait for it...the gameplay...

MGSV was designed to be, what he described, as a toybox. You have these missions that all take place in structurally unique outposts like any level in MGS. And the missions are designed with the structure needed so that they all feel different, but all remain so open ended that you can play them countless different ways.

MGSV's game model is everything GTA SHOULD'VE been. It fully embraces the open world freedom and incorporates that into the missions flawlessly. And it plays in such a way that stealth and combat both feel like they were the primary point. In MGS, combat is usually a last resort. But with MGSV, you can fly into an outpost blasting away on your helicopters mini-gun, shoot up the bad guys, rescue your target, throw them back into the chopper and fly away while "The Final Countdown" blares on your choppers loud speakers.

Every method of gameplay is valid and the controls, the enemy AI responsiveness, it's all, bar none, the best I've experienced in ANY video game. Sneaking around feels tight and tense and combat makes you feel like Jack Bauer on adrenaline. (I mean, he IS the voice of Venom Snake)

And I really like the story for the most part too. Its weaknesses are really glaring. Namely, the "Fun" of MGS is completely devoid in the story (which is really odd since it's FRONT AND CENTER in-game). Venom Snake only has maybe six minutes of dialogue in the entirety of this 30+ hour long game. And the way Skull Face gets completely undercut right at the home stretch is something I have NOT stopped bitching about for almost six years, and my friends can personally attest to that.

That and the ending feels too abrupt.

We know that Kojima got fired by Konami's VP and said VP scorched the entire production company after that and made a series of dickheaded decisions that pissed off a LOT of fans, burning much of the good will Konami IP fans had towards the company. But that had nothing to do with MGSV's abruptness. That was the plan from the start because only Kojima would think to end the entire series on a plot twist like that.

And I think the issue isn't the twist at all. In fact, I LOVE the twist. The issue is that the game should've continued beyond it so Venom Snake could cope with the truth and realize how badly he'd been screwed. I think even people who hated the twist could've been won over if there was a little more to the games epilogue than Episode 46.

Also, the games boss fights were a tad underwhelming. Not the fights themselves, I LOVED all five of the games bosses.

Oh? There were twelve?

No. I meant what I said. Because so many of the games bosses are rematches against the same bosses. All MGSV has is the Skulls, Quiet, Eli, The Man on Fire, and Metal Gear. They're great bosses that do everything the best MGS bosses always did; give you tons of options, incorporate combat AND stealth, have varied attacks AND even have multiple methods to sneak around the boss and avoid the fight completely. But for a game as long as MGS, you need more variety. And frankly, the bosses NEED more personality. Skull Face should've had more XOF assassins acting as the bosses in the game along with the ones we have. Elite assassins like Quiet, with their own powers and specialized weaponry so the fights feel completely different from the ones we have. And oh yeah, SKULL FACE HIMSELF SHOULD'VE HAD A GOD-FUCKING-DAMN BOSS FIGHT!!!!

Buuuuuuut those issues don't even matter if for all the games issues, I still replay it frequently when it's almost six years old.

So yeah! There's the massive rant you totally didn't ask for! :D

#ask belliesandburps #mgs4 #mgsv #peace walker #metal gear #metal gear solid #seriously #i'm very very VERY bitter about how Kojima did Skull Face dirty #here's this really great villain with a super complex backstory and motivation #whadduya wanna do with him kojima-san? #I'VE GOT IT!!!!!! #we'll do...absolutely nothing! #he'll show up in five missions out of a thirty nine mission long game #he'll talk at venom snake a few times and do some cool things #then right around the time we're supposed to fight him? #a random twelve year old will hijack metal gear through a PSYCHIC twelve year old and crush Skull Face before we can do anything cool! :D #hold your applause children! :D #................we weren't clapping kojima-san........... #also sins of the father? #heaven's divide? #donna burke is amazing #seriously she is an in-freakin'-CREDIBLE singer #sorry cynthia hall #i got love #but... #whoooooa-HHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!

[writing-radionoises]

forgive?

ship: none, platonic father-son bonding with akutagawa and dazai

genre: hurt/comfort

prompt: akutagawa and dazai cope together

notes: more ada akutagawa.

mega tw for csa, child abuse, and suicide. they’re not spoken about in depth but this drabble is centered around dazai talking about his relationship with mori.

It’s been a few months since Akutagawa joined the agency.

Something that has never been quite discussed was this relationship with Osamu Dazai, it’s something Akutagawa never felt like he had to explain.

His and Dazai’s relationship was personal.

… But, mostly, that’s just a cover up reason.

His and Dazai’s relationship is difficult, complicated beyond belief.

It’s only gotten worse since Akutagawa did join the agency.

It’s like some underground reason between him, Dazai, and Fukuzawa, the secret that it was Dazai who hurt Akutagawa, who threw him on the ground, broke his ribs, broke his arm, pointed a gun at him, tried to kill him at least twenty different times and, and, and-

A lot of different things. Dazai did a lot of different things to Akutagawa.

Even after his apprenticeship with Dazai ended and Dazai left the mafia, he still used Akutagawa. He hung his approval over Akutagawa’s head for years, like dangling a carrot over a horse’s head so it’ll walk. And no matter what Akutagawa did, Dazai would never approve of him. He’d just laugh and walk away, call Akutagawa names, make fun of him.

And Akutagawa would never forgive Dazai. Even now.

Dazai knows that. He doesn’t seem upset, and Ryunosuke knows well now that it’s because Dazai knows he fucked up.

It’s been awhile since Dazai formally apologized, though, and Akutagawa refused to forgive him with a half-assed apology. Instead, they’ve both decided to draw a line between past Dazai and current Dazai.

It was past Dazai who hurt him and used him, current Dazai would never.

Akutagawa is pretty sure Dazai would take a bullet before doing that now…

It’s not a perfect relationship, they still have fights and bumps in the road, but mostly it’s developed into a father-son relationship.

It’s thanks for Dazai that Akutagawa even figured out his feelings for Atsushi.

And it’s thanks to him Akutagawa and Atsushi even became friends…

So, maybe it’s natural that Akutagawa feels the need to check in on Dazai while he sits in the corner of the training grounds, facing the wall.

They both have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, after all. Ryunosuke has had flashbacks, they’re never good, and it always hurts.

Akutagawa approaches him carefully, getting on his knees beside Dazai, though keeping a distance.

“Dazai-san, you’re not looking too good. Are you okay?” He asks.

Dazai lifts his head from his knees, looking over to Akutagawa, followed by a pained smile and laugh.

“Akutagawa, what’re you doing here?”

“Checking in on you, what does it look like?”

Dazai turns his head away, the pained smile still plastered to his face.

“Actually, I’m doing awful. Thanks for asking.”

Akutagawa glanced off to the side, trying to figure out what to say next.

His social skills are failing him.

“Do… You wanna talk about it?” He asks.

Dazai pauses for a moment, thinking.

“I’ve… Never done that before, but, I guess, if I were to talk about it with anyone, it should probably be with you…”

“Is it mafia related?”

Dazai nodded, dropping his knees from his chest and instead sitting criss-cross applesauce. His hair is messy, the ends of his hair was wet from crying, eyes red from the same thing. His shaking has subsided, though, which is a good thing.

“Do you know anything about what happened to me in the mafia?”

Akutagawa nodded a no.

“Good…” Dazai mumbled, “It wasn’t fun. It was awful. I don’t know how to talk about it…”

Akutagawa sighed, brushing a piece of his hair behind his ear, “Then let’s start with this. Why did you join the mafia?”

“... I was basically kidnapped into it. I never really knew my parents, I was passed around from a lot of different people since I was young. I assume my parents were apart of the mafia as well, as I was passed around between mafia members mostly. I was an unofficial member of the mafia most of my life, I received training and all that other bullshit from the age of nine,” Dazai began to explain, “I developed suicidal tendencies from there, the training conditioned me to be ready to die at any moment, to give my life to somebody else. It backfired on them, because I found myself wanting to kill myself to avoid the violence and bloodshed of the world around the age of ten.”

Akutagawa nodded understandingly, the background wasn’t surprising. He’d seen this happen to other children, it’s not uncommon for children to be born into the mafia, either.

“Then… How did you formally join the mafia?”

Dazai smiled a bit, looking off to the side, “I kept trying to kill myself, they were unable to put me in a psychward because of the information I held. So I met Dr. Ogai Mori, an underground doctor at the time. It was a mistake, he was a homicidal maniac, a manipulative piece of shit… He used my suicidal tendencies as a way to climb up to the top. He took me, age fourteen, with him to meet the former boss, and I watched him slaughter him. He used me as insurance, to get him to be the new mafia boss. In hindsight, it was good he did decide to kill the former mafia boss, but… Mori is no better.”

Akutagawa’s eyes widened, nodding along with Dazai story. He could tell this was likely the first time he had never said something like this to another person, he kept fidgeting with the buttons on his coat.

“... Mori is a pedophile. I’m sure you’re aware of that, right?”

“Yes, I’m well aware,” Akutagawa, “That why I used to tell Gin to stay away from him.”

Dazai chuckled a bit, “Clever, but you probably didn’t need to do that. I was fourteen at the time, correct? Well, when his plan fell through as I never ended up successful in killing myself, he ended up resorting to other methods… He groomed and manipulated me, abused me. Don’t imagine it, I don’t want you in the same state I’m in, but physically he did just about everything I did to you, but much worse. A doctor knows exactly where to hurt you without it being fatal, it’ll be the most painful experience of your life, but you won’t die…”

Akutagawa frowned. He took Dazai’s advice, not imagining it, and trying to avoid the thought of Mori standing above Dazai, who is in a pool of blood.

“... I hesitate to talk about this. I’ve talked about the physical side of things with people like Odasaku and Fukuzawa, Fukuzawa knows most of the crimes Mori has committed… But I never did get the chance to tell Odasaku about the sexual parts of the abuse,” Dazai explained, his voice getting quieter.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Akutagawa answered, “But sometimes it’s good to get things out, especially if you’ve never talked about it. I can promise you I’ll never tell anyone.”

Dazai ruffles his hair casually, “I know, Akutagawa. You’re a good kid, you’d probably take this secret to your grave.”

“If you asked, I happily would.”

Dazai takes a breath, running his hand through his hair as he continues to speak, “... I’m not gonna speak about it in detail, but he assaulted me on many different occasions, usually after he had beaten me up so I couldn’t fight back. I don’t usually get upset by it anymore, I’ve blocked out most of the memories, but sometimes I still remember.”

“Is that what you remembered today?”

“... More or less. I have constant reminders pasted all over me, whether or not it triggers me depends on the day,” Dazai replied, slipping off his tan jacket and beginning to roll up his sleeve.

Dazai began to unwrap the bandage on his right arm, the white fabric falling away to reveal dozens of pale white scars. Some were messy vertical incisions, if Akutagawa had to guess, they were self inflicted, versus the neat and clean horizontal ones more towards Dazai’s upper arm and shoulder.

… What I went through is nothing compared to what happened to Dazai. I don’t really have an excuse to be so upset over what he did to me, Akutagawa thought. It was a bad thought, he knew better. Atsushi told him better, his therapist told him better. There was no need to compare trauma with Dazai, but sometimes, he just couldn’t help it.

So caught up in thought, Akutagawa barely noticed Dazai beginning to shake again as his eyes ran over each scar, muttering something.

Muttering the situation each scar came from.

Akutagawa, desperate to bring his former mentor back into stability, took the bandage Dazai dropped and began to wrap it around his arm again.

“You don’t need to remember that anymore,” Akutagawa replied, reapplying his calm facade as he continued his work, “It’s in the past. It was awful, it hurt a lot, but you’ll never have to face it again.”

Dazai visibly relaxed as Akutagawa finished applying the bandage, rolling down his sleeve as Dazai then pulls Akutagawa into a hug, Akutagawa’s head against his former mentor’s chest. Ryunosuke relaxes against the other, Dazai brushing through his hair with his fingers, likely as a distraction.

“Akutagawa.”

“Yes?”

Dazai smiles a bit, “Past you would’ve just ignored me, brushed off me sitting in the corner as just me being silly, but instead you approached me and made sure I was okay.”

“Yes, and?” Akutagawa questioned, raising a brow.

“You’ve come a long way,” Dazai replied, “And I’m proud of you.”

Akutagawa pauses, feeling tears begin to well up in his eyes as he brushed it off and buried his face in Dazai’s chest again.

He’ll never forgive Dazai for what he did.

And he’ll never forgive Mori, either.

… But Akutagawa can’t lie. He’s pretty happy all of those awful, awful things led to this moment.

#tw csa #tw child abuse #tw suicide #bsd #bungou stray dogs #akutagawa ryunosuke #ryunosuke akutagawa #osamu dazai #dazai osamu #bsd akutagawa #bsd dazai #writing #writer #writers #fanfiction

[nobodies-png]

Sorry about that! Here's the letters I would like for Luxu/Xigbar: c d f j l x y z

gotcha ! 

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

Xigbar’s learnt to face everything head on and work around the problems, but he knows that kind of approach might not work for everyone - so if that doesn’t work for you, he’d try to figure out and see what does work. Maybe you need to wind down and go to a safe place without strong stimuli, just chill and stay grounded. Maybe you just need to scream and vent it out. Or maybe you just wanna curl up in a ball and cry for a while. That’s all valid. 

 The guy has pretty much a lot of free time, so if you can’t tell him specifically what he can do to help you in these situations, he doesn’t mind helping you find out. Needless to say, he doesn’t condone any type of habit or behaviour that can be harmful to you in any way. 

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

He doesn’t, easy. Boom. Can’t stress over what you so blatantly ignore and avoid to think about.

Also i’m answering these on reverse so i’mma go out and say that the last answer of this post can also apply to this question here.

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

Xigbar is rather lenient. The man knows how to play his cards to his favour and avoid the subjects that would genuinely get him mad. And the fact that time and death stopped having any sort of meaning to him also adds to this. What’s the point in staying MAD when everything is fleeting and bound to end ? Why not enjoy it to the fullest ? If you did anything to need to ask for his forgiveness, you can b e t Xigbar would just brush it off eventually - maybe joke and tease here and there about it. I think I even mentioned this before, it’s not necessarily a good quality as it can easily mean he doesn’t take things seriously.

So yeah, any argument with Xigbar is not a fight you can win. Even when it’s proven that you were in the right, you’ll always be left with a feeling of uncertainty, like you didn’t quite get your point across and you were simply told “yes, dear you were right” so you would simlpy avoid losing your temper. Again, very frustrating when you need to properly communicate with him. 

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

He acts jealous and spoiled, but only for fun. If you start befriending someone else or if you get along with someone new, Xigbar will butt in afterwards with silly jokes like “Oi, don’t forget about me” and such, keep you on your toes with his sudden appearances and public displays of affection. But all in all, he trusts you, so he has absolutely no reason to actually feel jealous. He also trusts that his reputation is infamous enough to let others know better than to try anything with you, whether it’s flirting or bringing you any harm.

But you know, the guy is still uh… human, I assume, so there are some things that bother him - Xigbar is known for switching bodies to continue his mission, but he kinda resents being so old ? So there are those rare moments when he sees you messing around with more active and young members like Demyx or Axel and he’ll just sulk in his own because this current vessel is getting old.

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

It highly depends on how receptive you are, really.

If you acknowledge his advances and even flirt back, then he sees no point in stopping the fun to get all mushy and gushy and touchy feely. There is a clear mutual attraction, no need to confirm it oudloud with a love confession, right ? Unless you show him that’s EXACTLY the kind of romance you want, then he doesn’t mind pullling something outta his ass. 

If you’re the dense type, he’d take it as a personal challenge - how far does he have to go for you to realize that he’s into you ? If it backfires and you still have no clue, then Xigbar would just resort to letting you know directly. No blushing, no stuttering, no cute confession, just him and his straight forward nature. But I can also see him as giving a half-assed confession, kinda direct but also kinda confusing, a challenge for you this time, see if you can figure him out yourself.

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

Yes, yes and yes. The casual, light hearted and fun kind of affection is his favorite - like when he sweeps you off your feet out of nowhere just to see your reaction and then see how your first instinct is to hold on tight to him, only to get mad when you realize it’s one of his stupid ass pranks ? And then hearing you laugh when he starts blowing raspberries on your neck so you forgive him ? The best. 10/10, he’s gonna do that again. 

One of Xigbar’s favorite games is to see how many kisses he can steal from you on a daily basis without getting his ass beaten by you. And having the power of controlling s p a c e and portals really gives him a lot of advantage. But he loves it even more when you’re the one to take the initiative for these things, like smooching and cuddling. As much fun as he has when he’s messing with you, Xigbar also loves knowing that you like him just as much. 

Y earning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

This is the kind of guy that would sneak out of work just to bother you while you work, so take a wILD GUESS. But of course, Xigbar has plans to keep an eye on, make sure it goes according to plan so if he really really cannot afford to sneak away for a bit to see you, then he’s going to complain. Very loudly and very annoyingly, to whoever’s nearby to listen, probably turning it into a game to see how much whining they’re willing to withstand before their breaking point. It helps him forget that he misses you and keep his head in the game. 

And now that i’m thinking, it kinda sucks that bad guys don’t get phones cause otherwise, Xigbar would be blowing up your texts, spamming you at every given chance with cryptic shit, memes or stupid stuff.

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

I -

I’m actually NOT sure :thonk:

Cause it’s obvious that he takes after the Master of Masters, in the way he jokes and even moves. Xigbar is loyal to him and his own mission, he’s changed wildly for the sake of completeing it. Both physically and emotionally, meaning that while he might be one cunning bastard, he might not be sensible or in tune with actual emotions. There is that small chance that everything he does unrelated to his mission is just idle entertainment, something to pass the time. 

Sure, he might love you. But he might’ve loved a dozen other people before this, all probably long gone. Sure, you might love him. But he’s had a dozen other identities. And while Xigbar values the present, it’s kinda hard to go to a great length for a relationship when in his eyes, it’s bound to end due to his responsibilities.It’s very bittersweet. But even so, we still know little about him - so this loyalty of his could easily extend to you, just like it applies to MoM and the other lost masters. 

So I dunno, gamers. I think that as long as Xigbar doesn’t have to directly choose between you or his mission, he’s ready to do pretty much anything, even if it’s just for the sake of seeing what happens. 

#kh headcanons #reader insert #alphabet prompt #xigbar #mariahmaru #can you guys tell I spend a lot of time thinking about xigbar after that big reveal #i dunno its like these specific tropes always get me

[baileys-quarantine-journal]

Day 1: “it’s getting hard to be someone but it all works out”🍓

Day 1:

bonjour mes amis. today i start this ‘corona journal’ as a daily log and outlet as I cope with this quarantine. as an ESFJ, someone with a dire need for human connection and physical touch, and as someone with diagnosed major depression and generalized anxiety, just the couple of weeks since school has shut down with the rest of life as I’ve always known it have been increasingly scary and difficult for me. so here is my shit. i hope that if you are reading this you may be able to find some form of comfort or solace in this, and know that you are not alone. i’m tired of rules so i’m gonna make this the E.E. Cummings of blogs and give 0 fucks, cuz that is about all I have left in me...

today was a hard day, thus inspiring this creation. i had to open today, working at the grocery store as a cashier from 7-2 pm. yesterday i got an awful migraine at work which threw me into a series of catastrophic thoughts self-diagnosing me with covid. which has happened far more than once. unfortunately my anxiety has led me down the path of what i would call ‘phantom symptoms’. things like shortness of breath are something that comes from my anxiety (and actually sent me to the ER once before I figured out it was just a panic attack). and conveniently that is also a symptom of covid. so i am sure you could imagine the vicious cycle that this creates. my dad told me about my stepmom’s best friend who went to a ski resort and then found out someone had it there. she then reported a sore throat. but my dad said that if that happened to him he would probably feel a sore throat to and i find some calming value in that thought (he also suffers from anxiety). to quote one of my heroes george harrison, “it’s all in the mind” and although georgie was probs talking about LSD or some mantra repeated while plucking away at his sitar, i find meaning in that. it is important to remember that a lot of what we are feeling may have more internal cause than external. anyways, I got home yesterday and k.o.ed at 6 and woke up at 10 ish. by then i said fuck it and went back to bed an hour later cuz i knew i would have to be right back at work in the morning. today i woke up 20 minutes before work. i’ve been taking my mom’s 2008 odyssey to work most days during this weird fever dream which has been very helpful. i got my license about a month ago. i am very glad i did it before all of this craziness truly began because at least now i have a way to get out when i need it. a little escape into the car radio is very very necessary sometimes. this past week my main coping strategies have been listening to fleetwood mac and playing mario galaxy 2 however these can only go so far lol. strongly recommend both though ;) screaming “damn your love damn your lies” in the car like you’ve really been wronged is surprisingly VERY cathartic. today work went by mostly fast and painless, thankfully. after i got home i found myself caught back in a snapchat and twitter loop in my unmade bed in my messy room (which i hate to keep messy). i really believe in the idea of clean space clean mind. because my room is usually a solid reflection of my mental health, and my room definitely affects my mood in turn. 

after a certain point, a conversation with a close friend where i crossed a boundary and started momming them awakened me to how tense i was. i decided to go for a walk. the first thing i saw was a little playground with caution tape around it. there is something eerie about that but it looked so silly considering it is a tiny toddler sized playground. i walked the path around my neighborhood and this is when thoughts began to pour. you never ever think you will live through something as crazy as this until it happens. i thought about people who wrote through insane times, like Anne Frank for example. not to say i am experiencing a plight anywhere near hers, but, i just thought about the fact that one day some historian might read this blog post and archive it in some fancy futuristic file and use it as an example of how the youth of america experienced the covid-19 virus in the year 2020. i honestly have felt such insane denial throughout all this. this can’t be real right? missing a month or more of school? grocery stores looking like a best buy on black friday?? these are things i could have never imagined. and yet i feel nothing. maybe it is just my nature that it is hard to surprise me after all i have seen. or perhaps it is just the nature of my generation. the psychologists and sociologists in me would love to have these answers. i walked across the street to a park area i have roamed since childhood. i sat on my favorite rock bench. this is what i refer to as my happy place but today it did not look or feel so happy. the sky was gray and dreary and the only life surrounding me were some sweet little ducks. oh to be a blissfully unaware duck during such trying times. memories surrounded me on this walk. i remembered how months prior there was a pride fest in this very place, and a carnival, and how i danced in front of a stage to cover bands of earth, wind, and fire and the beatles. and i also remembered walking on these paths in 1st and 2nd grade feeding wonder-bread to ducks (i'm so sorry babies), and rolling down the hill, and that one time my dad pushed me over the little bridge on the stroller so fast that a fun time ended with me slinging out and scraping my little knees. memories of what i call the secret garden where i went to see the flowers every spring, and took pictures at quinces at, and snuck to during theatre rehearsals in middle school. but there was barely a soul there today. no flowers and no light. i cried. i closed my eyes and breathed in the wind that was rustling the trees. at sundown i walked home and showered and decided i might as well poor all of this out before i lose it. i love making playlists so maybe i will start a quarantine one to share or do some daily song suggestions.

today’s song (where the heading quote is derived from) :  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtUH9z_Oey8

some pictures from my excursion today: 

#quarantine #quarantine thoughts #covid19 #covid-19 #coronavirus #coping #mental illness #depression #anxiety #self care #positivity #journal #journaling #diary #thoughts

[voyageviolet]

Just for the hell of it, I’m going to post the responses I’ve been writing for the Great Homestuck Reread.

DAY 1

I could have sworn I wrote something for this day, but apparently no??? Weird.

DAY 2, PAGES 127-247

Favorite Panel: John: Scold TT

This one's just cute to me.

Favorite Pesterlog: John: Answer chums.

Rose is being high-and-mighty about the FAQs while John panics about impending doom; meanwhile Dave is talking to himself about planet fucking Jupiter. These kids are a disaster.

Favorite Flash: S: John: Take a bite of the apple.

There's not a lot of competition for "favorite flash" in these pages, but I do think it's a great way for the story to really get started with a sense of urgency.

Missed Moments: Not much, but is that oil on Rose's wall? And I've never noticed John's shirt changing color.

Today's Question - Is Act 1 actually bad or are people just not giving it a chance?

I think Act 1 is great, but I didn't the first time I read it. It takes a while to get past the initial "What the fuck am I reading" response, what with the captchaloging and the cruxtruding and the other fake words. I started reading and gave up twice before I finally buckled down and decided, "I am going to find out what the deal is with the candy corn horns I'm seeing everywhere if it kills me." But if you decide to just relax and enjoy the ride, Act 1 is a lot of fun. It's just frustrating for the people who've been sold on Homestuck being this great epic adventure to have to get through the kids screwing around in the beginning.

DAY 3, PAGES 248-384

Favorite Panel: Dave's little gasp here. ~SO COOL~

Favorite Pesterlog: And here we have the first example of two of the gayest kids in Homestuck calling each other gay. These two are so much alike in their mostly-playfully-adversarial ways; they crack me up.

Favorite Flash: [S] YOU THERE. BOY. I'm the kind of RPG gamer that walks around and talks to every NPC and checks every little corner for items or info, so the walkaround flashes are always especially fun for me.

Missed Moments: -In the [S] YOU THERE. BOY. flash, WV knows who John Cusack is, as if he's some kind of universal constant.

-When I first read Homestuck, I didn't expect this quote to be referenced again: "You wonder if this rain will ever let up. It's driven since the month began, perhaps long enough to forget its purpose. It no longer even knows to assuage fire. Somewhere a zealous god threads these strings between the clouds and the earth, preparing for a symphony it fears impossible to play. And so it threads on, and on, delaying the raise of the conductor's baton. "

-And for something I missed this time around: Does anyone know what songs used to be on the [S] on page 338? There's still "Harlequin" and "John do the windy thing," but some have been removed, probably for copyright reasons. (If you're not sure what I mean, click the four corner buttons on that page.)

Today's Question - Who was truly at fault in the Rose/Mom pseudo-imaginary feud?

I talked a bit about this yesterday, but to simplify: It's Mom's fault, simply due to the fact that she's the parent. It's the parent's responsibility to engage with their child in a way that the child can understand and appreciate. Mom reacted to Rose in an overbearing way that had more to do with her own feelings than her child's feelings. For example, when young Rose asked her mom to have a funeral for her cat, she wasn't asking for an elaborate permanent monument; she was asking for help saying goodbye to a friend and coping with that loss. In spite of what I assume to be her best intentions, Mom failed to provide that. Their house is filled with this sort of elaborate expression of affection that completely fails to provide any real emotional connection.

Let me state for the record that Roxy is one of my favorite characters in Homestuck, but she's the version of the character who managed to pull herself together and support the people she cares about. For whatever reason, Mom is the version who didn't.

DAY 4, 385-509

Favorite Panel: ==> I forgot about this one, but John flying around the room with the pogo and the shaving cream is still hilarious.

Favorite Pesterlog: Dave: Pester Rose. The first crack in the cool kid's facade.

Favorite Flash: [S] Rose: Youth roll right out the front door. This is SO dramatic, what with the "empty suicide threat" and the "ironic negligence," and yet it's presented in such a cartoonish "lol whatever" manner. I wish we got more detail about their relationship at some point in the story - something like Dave's introspection and his interaction with Dirk - because this flash presents a pretty bleak picture.

Missed Moments: -From page 404's commentary: "Also, I like how WV is now helping out with the Con Air references through his terminal commands. He shows a striking ability to adapt to and participate in running gags. He is the type of guy who just "gets it", you know?" I definitely didn't pick up on this before. It's hard to pinpoint the places where the commands stop being authorial input and start being characters' input.

-424's commentary: "Judging by the commands, WV is just as caught up in the story as John is. Let's agree this is adorable." Definitely adorable, but I wonder, does WV know at this point that this is the story he was already caught up in?

-447: "There's the PUPPET CHEST he stores LIL' CAL in when he takes him out on gigs." BRO TAKES LIL CAL ON GIGS. LIKE GIGS IN PUBLIC? THERE IS NO WAY ANYONE WHO'S NOT A TRAPPED 13 YEAR OLD WOULD EVER ENTERTAIN THE IDEA THAT VENTRILOQUIST RAPPING COULD BE COOL. BRO WOULD GET DESTROYED ONSTAGE.

I always assumed that the puppet thing was exclusively online, but it sounds like Bro's life may be weirder than I ever realized - which is pretty fucking weird to begin with.

Today's Question - Is WV really just a one note joke character? No, I don't think he is. Every character in Homestuck is a joke to some degree, but that doesn't make them flat. WV has an emotional journey and narrative development that starts with his his silly obsession with eating green things, evolves through flashbacks of his rebellion against a corrupt monarchy and his friendship with PM&co, and ends with him starting (what seems to be) an egalitarian democracy on new Earth. He also serves to explain to the audience what happened to the old, now abandoned Earth without resorting to boring exposition.

Plus he's adorable and everyone loves him, so there's that.

Bonus Question - WHAT'S YOUR POGO MINIGAME HIGH SCORE???? Yeah I can't say I spent much time on that, but I did enjoy the song.

DAY 5, PAGES 510-644

Didn't get time to respond to this yesterday, oops. I'll make this quick.

Favorite Panel: Vaulthalla, baby.

Favorite Pesterlog: Rose: Answer Dave. Still love these kids, and the fact that Rose makes up a poem on the spot is pretty impressive.

Favorite Flash: Well, there's only the one, so...

Missed Moments: None this time.

Today's Question - Which of the items in your house would you combine to make a cool weapon? I'm gonna be a dumb nerd and admit that I'd like to see what I could make with some anime figures. I've always thought that umbrellakind was kind of fun, so why not mix animu figures with that. Like, a Sailor Moon figma with an umbrella could make a cute cheesy magical girl wand. I also have an old biting pear statue that I'm sure could make some interesting things.

DAY 6, PAGES 645-759

Favorite Panel: Democracy. The deadpan faux-seriousness combined with WV's cuteness is just delightful.

*Favorite Pesterlog: * There really weren't any of note in this section. This day's all about WV.

Favorite Flash: WV: Ascend. I've always found the longer flash videos a bit confusing; there are so many things happening at once. Damn if they aren't fascinating, though.

Missed Moments: -Page 721: "All of the chess moves were copied exactly from a famous game played by Bobby Fischer. I forget which one exactly, but it was super famous among dudes who bone tight up on their chess." Never would've guessed that. For some reason, it never even occurred to me that these would be valid chess moves rather than WV just throwing things around. -"The station's terminal is meant to "control" the client player of the kid whose house once existed where that station is. So WV's station, which was in Rose's location, gives commands to John, because John is Rose's client player, and she commands his game similarly. And the apple station commands Jade, because she'll be John's client player, etc. Did you realize this?" NOPE

Today's Question - What would WV's classpect be? Mayor of Can? I dunno, I've never spent much time on classpect theorizing. It's too complicated and too heavily based on speculation for me.

DAY 7, PAGES 760-885

Favorite Panel: Jade's holographic computer. Her life is ridiculous and otherworldly. Seeing the crazy things that are a mundane part of her reality is pretty great.

Favorite Pesterlog: A rare Jade-Rose pesterlog. Best appreciate these when you can.

Favorite Flash: [S] Rose: Ascend. There are a lot of fight scenes in this section, but this one is the most fun, and the one involving the least amount of child abuse.

Missed Moments: -"I wonder which troll named her Farmstink? Do trolls even have farms? Maybe they call them musclebeast pastures." It never even occurred to me that it was the trolls typing in names. I just thought of it as reader input.

-"With the (playable!) FRESHJAMZ playlist, we are provided with the implication that these are all songs produced by the kids collaboratively. Their icons indicate who was involved with the songs. Just another sign earlier in the story that these kids have some musical talent and this is the sort of thing they do with their spare time." I don't think I ever noticed everyone's icons next to songs, or if I did I didn't put it together that they were the ones making this music.

-"It's almost as if Bro is training him to face the last boss. Or it would be if last boss had the slightest thing to do with this creepy puppet, which of course is preposterous." Never connected those dots.

Today's Question - Is early Jade a good character? Why or why not?

Yes, on the grounds that she is precious and delightful.

More seriously, though, I think she's as good of a character as any of the kids, but she doesn't get as much narrative attention or development as I'd like towards the end of the comic. Early Jade, though, is arguably in the most fucked up situation out of all of the kids: Her grandfather took her to a deserted island and died when she was very young, leading Jade to assume he committed suicide, and leaving her with the responsibility of emptying out his innards to taxidermy his body (?!?). Ok, there's no way that last part ever could have been played straight, but the point remains that Jade has had to grow up in a pretty bleak and lonely situation, but she remains unfailingly positive and friendly. She's never had any hope of leaving her island and interacting with the rest of her planet before the game destroys it, but by watching the clouds on Prospit and by enjoying her friendships, she stays happy and hopeful. I can't see that as anything but impressive.

#homestuck #meta