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notesapp-neurotic · 5 months

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What is Narcissism?

nar·cis·sism

/ˈnärsəˌsiz(ə)m/

noun

excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one's physical appearance.

selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.

PSYCHOANALYSISself-centeredness arising from failure to distinguish the self from external objects, either in very young babies or as a feature of mental disorder.

The word also derives from the Greek myth of Narcissus. A God whose standard was far too high for anyone to reach… that is, besides himself, of course. In Ovid’s Metamorphoses tale of Narcissus, a nymph named Echo fell tragically in love with Narcissus. When she advanced him, Narcissus did not comply. Heartbroken, Echo ran away into the woods, and for years her crying was heard from acres throughout the land, all until that was the only thing left of her. Echo's home-girl Nemesis(the goddess of reputation) heard of this, and cursed Narcissus to fall in love with his own reflection, ..since that was the only thing he ever paid attention to anyway. When Narcicuss was at the lake, flirting with his reflection, truth daunted on him that he could never actually have a physical relationship with himself… so he committed suicide… the big guy felt big lows.

Widely used as an insult on some of the most atrocious people. Perhaps even used to describe some of the people in your own life. Narcissism has been looked down on by society, and even deemed a mental illness for hundreds of years… and no one is safe. It has spread to the brains of every influencer who is obsessed over their looks. It could be your ex’s, or friends. Parents, relatives… it is noted as a horrible, and toxic connotation of selfishness and greed. For thousands of years, our communities have depended on each other to help one another improve as a whole . If you did not serve in your community, you were looked down upon, or even ignored completely. Even people who just thought differently were considered narcissists, all because they didn't help the community improve in the way the “officials” knew how. Soon, individual thinking became a rebellion because it was so taboo, and Individuality won free rein over the people. The era of supermodels, artists, and inventors were at the summit. Unfortunately, there was a plateau somewhere because the narcissists who branched out, and created a new world, soon created the narcissists who use “self care” and sexuality to earn more money for their already multi million dollar businesses. The ones who thought outside the box, not only paved the way for the dreamers, but also the manipulators who memorized the exact script used to get their way. They thought outside the mob, and observed for their own interest, without empathy. Now, notice how I used the word ‘narcissist’ both as a negative adjective, and a positive adjective…

I had a teacher tell me that “Narcissism is neither good, nor bad. It just depends on what you do with it.” Highly influential artists like Andy Warhol, Cleopatra, Eartha Kitt, and Davie Bowie were all considered narcissists, but look at how each of them created a new world for everyone who came after. They trusted their inner intuitive instincts, and removed themselves from the crowd for the better. They expressed themselves over, and over in deep interest in themselves, in order to learn about other people. Andy Warhol's art was for him to explore his own sexuality, which inspired many to explore, and to express their sexuality in their own way. Eartha Kitt was simply a confident woman who knew who she was, and what she wanted, and she was described as a narcissist. Cleopatra, highly intelligent, had an image she showed to her people in order to gain respect. David Bowie put on an image to make way for the free spirited. Each of these major, iconic historical figures thought selfishly, to believe selflessly.

Then there is the negative narcissist. The righteous one. The one with the mind of an artist and free soul, but with the sacral chakra of a dictator. The taker, the manipulator. The apathetic. This narcissist is smart, and aggressive, and a little bit of a sociopath. They use their image to control others, and to always grab the attention, and validation from any poor soul who happens to get near them. The fallen angels. The demons. The ones God said “no, no” about. This narcissist is empty, and although always filled with new, and fantastic ideas…each one is for the success of one party, but at a huge expense for another. The obsessed, the ones with temporary confidence, until they actually become who they boast about. A fraud. These remind me of politicians.. Some… some.

Now the teacher who taught my class and I about Narcissism, was our teacher who taught us about the cultural balinese performance of masks called Topeng, a tradition that dates back from 896 AD. Topeng tells stories that are hundreds of years old, played by the same characters, by the same people for decades. These actors are dedicated to their characters for life, as well as their own. It is an incredibly honored art, used in healing retreats across Indonesia to help unblock the subconsious. When the actor puts on a mask or tapel, they transform and take on the spirit of the character within the mask. The tapel, is charged by intentions. First, the mask is carved by an expert, and then for months after the actors training, and after countless mediations and ceremonies, they are allowed to put on the mask. When you start to move with the mask on, naturally, your body and psychology will adapt to the mask's spirit. You will see the world through the eyes of the character, even if you do not agree with them.

My first wild experience with the mask was a surprise. Our teacher handed us a velvet bag, each with our own archetypal mask inside. We were asked to stare at our bag, and to send the mask our energy and then to imagine that it was sending it back. Next, we were told to not look at the masks when taking it out, and to keep it face down when putting it over our face. None of us knew which mask we had on. We moved for an hour in the room, all crawling or jumping, or strutting. Yelling, or laughing, growling, or snarling.. Hey! It's an acting school, what do you expect?

Suddenly, I started to feel very strange. I looked around at everyone, and expected them all to be as well, but none were. Everyone was fighting, and the ones who were laughing, were the ones who pitted everyone else against each other. I noticed that two of my peers were pushing one another, arguing in babble. (You don't use words in masks when you interact with other characters.)

I approached them in distress, as if I were a stressed out mother wanting her sons to stop competing with one another. If you don't know this about me, I am naturally very timid due to my wretched anxiety. I tried to stop my peers from hurting one another, but I was too afraid to get in between. I became overwhelmed with all the hate around me, and I couldn't understand why there was so much of it. I didn't have the strength to stop it.The idea of any evil in this world began to frustrate me, and at that moment I couldn't understand why it even existed. I ran from one person to the other, yelling at them to wake up. To wake up, and to see how beautiful life is supposed to be, and how they need to enjoy it before it is too late. That all the battles they have now, don't matter nor have they ever , and nor will they ever, but no one was listening. I already don't feel like I'm listened to in my everyday life, and being in a position where I felt like I could help but with no one listening, and with my lack of confidence, I gave up. I broke down. I cried, with drool pouring out onto the floor. My teacher came behind me, and rubbed my back harshly to activate my spine, which activated the chakras, and activated the character even more. I was screaming in agony and in pain.

At the end of class each of us discussed our own experiences. When it got to me, I told everyone. My teacher responded and said, “You went to each character and felt like a mom. Your two peers who were fighting had the King and the Warrior mask. Those two always come at eachother's throats, just like brothers. You felt like a mom to them, and does a mom have a higher rank over her kids?” he asked. I nodded. My teacher continued, “Back when these archetypes were created, the king had a higher rank over the warrior, but God was above them both.” He smiled, "the mask you have… is the Priest.”

The reason why I was crying was because there was something in me that refused to surface. Again, like in my first entry, movement releases trauma in the body. Moving the body unlocks the physical traumas, the mask unlocks the mental ones. Forever, I thought I resisted the mask because I was being cleansed of some sort of demon, or because my grandfather was a preacher, and I had some sort of religious guilt, but really,... it was because I wasn’t courageous enough.

(Working with the masks also helps an actor unblock their subconscious so they can find a part of themself that relates to the character that they are playing, who happens to be the complete opposite of who the actor was actually brought up as. I say” brought up as”, and not “who they are” because our “self” mostly consists of words, judgments or beliefs passed down from family.)

After the experience, it left me in even more awe over energy, intentions, performing, and the use of oneself. It also made me highly interested in the concept of narcissism, and how narcissistic I was, and how the world is now. How, before this class, I was stuck to only one way of thinking, or how with other things, I changed my way of thinking in order to please someone. Both examples of narcissism.

1. I refused to connect with others,

and 2. because I wanted someone to like me.

I made it a personal goal of mine to break my narcissism and ego . Narcissism, to be made clear, is who you think you are. Who you portray yourself as, the one dimensional you. Ego is what you believe you can do. Everyday I’d do something that I was normally afraid to do. Mind you, I've jumped 14,000 ft out of a plane,and I perform in front of people everyday, but for some reason introducing myself to strangers one on one makes me want to die on the spot. So I started small, like going to the movies by myself, going first in class, taking myself out on a date. Anyway I did it. I wore all black for a while before too, so I started to wear clothes that made me stand out again. I also stopped fixing my hair right away after movement class, and stopped worrying about my makeup spreading. When I have an in depth, heartbreaking scene in class, my mascara always runs. Now I've just stopped fixing it. I don’t care when my mascara is all over the place, it means I did well. It meant I fucking gave it my all, and now I wear my smudged mascara as a badge of pride. With movement… I have very long hair, and I sweat a lot too. After movement, people would say ”your hair!” in amusement because it would look as if a tiger had given me a bath. Again, I didn't care. I was giving it my all, and I didn't think a lot of it. When I stopped, I noticed that a lot more people cared about the way I looked than I did. There were little things, but I found it funny that people even cared to audibly state stuff like that.. like..I know what I look like… I choose to look like this lol.

I'm not blind , I'm working.

I began to find it a very funny observation from people, considering we all had the same classes, and learned about the same topics on how to stop giving a fuck. It was every class too…Its funny how long we take to normalize things.

What really stuck with me .. were those comments from others. Harmless words that in truth don't affect me in an offensive way, but a in a peculiar confusing way. It brings me back in time to when I supposed to care, but had to pretend I didnt. Those who had trapped me into one way of thinking for such a long time. In grade and middle school, or in mine anyway, because it was a super small uniform school… if you stood out you were pretty much harassed… being the top student, being the dumbass, ect, ect (and also the first 10 years of anyone's life becomes the setup for the rest of it, i went to that school since I was three) I took what others said as negatives, because others looked at it as negatives. I fixed myself up because thats what they liked. I genuinely thought that that is what i was supposed to do.

I let other people's narcissism affect mine. I realized… fuck, I actually do care alot about how people see me, or how they thought of me.. Only because they care! And the people before them! I started to catch myself judging others because I, MYSELF, would NEVER be caught DEAD acting or dressing, or whatever like them. That I was the righteous narcissist. I realized that even the most genuine people could be narcissists too, but again, that's not even a bad thing! But they acted like bad people because that is how they received the word! That was what was expected of them.

What's bad is ignoring the truth about yourself, and continuing to hold yourself up to an imaginary pedestal simply because you do not understand the other person's point of view. This goes with EVERY topic. Serious, or not. Heart wrenching, or not. Good and Evil, Evil or Good. If you refuse to look at the intentions on both sides you are resisting evolution. Continuing to judge one another, continuing to belittle their hunting abilities in a world where it's most important, leaves them with nothing to eat. No, it does not mean to AGREE, or even to allow specific situations to keep happening like abuse, or wars, or chaos in general, but to find what it is that's good. Find what is good, and build off of it. Law of humility. Find the essence, find what, or how to transform their violence into passion, and their evilness into creativity, expression, and to where it harms no one but opinions. If manifesting is real, which it has been proven to be, why aren't we collectively manifesting actual peace?

Imagine there was a church, that wasn't actually a “church”, but a temple or something where everyone, no matter your religious ,spiritual, or political beliefs, could go and come together to just meditate?

“Sitting around the campfire, singing kumbaya isn't going to do shit!”

Well fuck, I mean, if it takes months of ceremonies and mediations to CREATE AN ACTUAL SPIRIT, then do any of us really understand energy? Are we really being taught the extensiveness of science? And why the hell is spirituality not being taught hand in hand with it??? Those "you'll be in my prayers" might actually mean something. Meditating together, as well as action might actually help… just a little bit. Fuck… why cant we all just get over ourselves? Why can't we all get over our narcissism and really try and understand each other. Understand the world deeper, the universe deeper. You are not one way of thinking, and believe it or not, a person could be the most stubborn person on the planet, but who knows who they would be in an unexpected situation. Think...who would you be if this happened? Or that? Who would you be in this family or in this life? How would you imagine yourself in any, and every situation you come across?.How would you honestly handle it? Who would you truly be? Instead of hiding from the dark, light a goddamn candle.

Be so full of yourself that you see yourself in everyone, and they in you.

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